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Source: 1985 Montreal International Convention – Multi Speakers – WILLINGNESS IS THE KEY Willingness The Key – RS 06375.mp3 File: 1985-montreal-international-convention-multi-speakers-willingness-is-the-key-willingness-the-key-rs-06375.mp3 Duration: 01:16:18
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There's lots of places to sit on the floor up here. We'll have a circle group. It's carpeted and there's a wall and you can sit here and lean against the wall. And if some of the gentlemen will come down and do so so they can help the ladies up, I'd appreciate it. Otherwise I'd be sitting there all day. Do you have to go, sir? The man with his hand up in the back? Have a seat over there. I keep thinking I'm going to be serious and sensible, but it hasn't come so yet.
Well, let's have a moment of silence and gratitude for the AA recoveries of the past 50 years. And then we'll join in the serenity prayer. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. There may be some here who are not familiar with our tradition of personal anonymity at the public level. Is there anybody here who is not familiar with our tradition of personal anonymity at the public level?
That's what I thought. We're going to skip that in that case. That's one thing nice about leading a meeting by yourself, without anybody here from general service, you can do what you want. We're going to talk on willingness to key this morning. And I always like to tell the story of how I became willing. That's why we skipped the anonymity part, so I could talk. I had about six weeks on the program, and I went down to Santa Maria to hear a speaker.
And the speaker was Jack from down at Santa Monica. And he gave this terrific speech, and at six weeks, you know, you don't hear a thing, you don't know what they're talking about. But I heard one thing, and what he said was, be sure that your own house is in order. I rushed home, eleven o'clock at night. I didn't know how he knew. I scrubbed the kitchen floor, I did the dishes, I vacuumed, I washed the windows.
At four o'clock in the morning, I was exhausted, but my house was in order. I finally bought a self-defrosting refrigerator, and I've been sober ever since, so it worked. They managed to get me a group of people up here to talk this morning, who are all connected with California. And our first speaker is Ray B. from New Mexico, who does business in Los Angeles. Come on, Ray. Good morning, everyone. I am a Great Fort alcoholic, and my name is Ray Bell.
Hi. My friends in my home group told me not to come home if I didn't let you know that I am a member of the best group in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, the El Centro group in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Okay, now that I've gotten that out of the way, I'll tell you how I became willing. And it wasn't a very easy task, to be sure. I had come to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous a couple of times, came with anger, and I left with anger.
Because there was no way that my sick mind, full of the denial that it had, was going to allow me to convince myself that I had a problem with alcohol. I believed that I had spent far too much time and far too much practice in trying to gain a level of superiority over those with whom I drank, in order that I could look down upon all those who had not been able to hold it the same that I could. It wasn't until the god of my understanding, who happens to be my higher power, had two individuals, one in and out of the Fellowship, who got together and kind of decided that there was something they could do to help me out, but as you know, we don't go out and drag people in.
And so the one not in the Fellowship had to tell me a little lie to get me to come back. And I'm grateful to this day that the god of my understanding took everything away from me that I had. And the thing that he took away from me most was my unwillingness to listen to somebody who wanted to help. Because when I came in the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous the first time, the only thing I wanted to do was talk.
And I didn't want to talk about being sober. I wanted to tell you how you could live a better life if you followed the program that I had. People laughed a lot then, too, and I didn't listen. And I really didn't understand that. I really kind of felt that I had a philosophy of living that had helped many people along the way.
[00:04:59]
What I certainly did not recognize that I was creating disaster for all with whom I came in contact, including myself.
[00:05:06]
But after I came back to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, two kind gentlemen took a day off of work, and they took me to a treatment center a hundred miles away. And it was at that treatment center where I found out about the disease of alcoholism, including the fact that I could make my own choices about whether I wanted to drink or not. The god of my understanding is not a foreigner to me.
In my lifetime, that's exactly how I grew up. To my mother. I can't say my father, even though my father was not an anti-anything. My father was a very passive individual who cooperated with his wife for 55 and a half years before she died, and right on up until he died just a few months ago. His son, Raymond, was not that way whatsoever. Because his son, Raymond, had found out that he hit his licks in first.
That was not what he was taught. What he was taught was how to be fair with every other person that he came in contact with. How to understand and appreciate what was right and what was wrong. So when I was sitting in that treatment center, full of the sickness that most of us have when we come to this fellowship, because I was a person who suffered physically, mentally, and spiritually. My body was racked with pain physically for the last three or four years of my drinking.
And my hospital record has a, it stands out and proves that. But as he talked about the disease of alcoholism and about some of the things that I could do, choose not to drink one day at a time, at least I listened. I certainly am not going to stand here and tell you that I rushed out and grabbed this program with open arms. All I'm saying to you is that I didn't resist any longer. It took me a few months, one day at a time, to come to these meetings to find out what I could do to be willing.
And there's a gentleman sitting here and he and I shared last night at the convention center how I listened to him many times over and over. Repeat the how. Honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. And he kind of said, geez, I didn't think anybody was listening to me. I was certainly listening. I still wasn't trying yet. I was trying to stay sober, but I was listening. You know, it's not one of those things where you kind of back into it.
I mean, I used to have an expression when I drank is, you know, I back into a door to give the impression to those that see me that I'm leaving. I guess that comes from the old days of people asking me to leave long before it was decided by me that I wanted to go. But I found out that willingness is the key. And when the door of willingness opened for me, it was not because I turned the key. I didn't know anything about turning the key of willingness.
But I did begin to find out something about me is that I could allow you to penetrate the shell that I had built up over the many years of my drinking. And in the process of doing so, I found out a lot of things. And the first thing I found out was that I could choose not to drink one day at a time. And as the days began to grow one at a time, I found out that the key to willingness that opened that first door began to open many, many other doors, as they have done one day at a time for better than six and a half years.
And I'm truly grateful for that. The key of willingness has allowed me to change my lifestyle through the help of you people and the higher power of my understanding. I certainly cannot stand here and tell you that I did it by myself. Though in the beginning days, I figured if I could get a year in, I would find myself in a position where I could kind of stand back and watch the newcomer come in. See, I didn't realize I was still a newcomer.
And I'm still a newcomer today. And the reason I say that is because I'm still willing to learn. There are times when I talk to my higher power at the beginning, during, at the end of a day, when I kind of say to him, did you see, did you remember what I did today? You know, I kind of let my guard down and my patience got a little short. And my willingness went out the door. And in the process of doing that, little things kind of caved in on me and it became something big.
And I reacted. That was what I was used to. I haven't gotten it down to a fine art, and I hope that I never do, because I always want there to be something that I'll have to be working on in my sobriety. That not only includes just staying sober, but being willing to share with other people how I stay sober. I stood last night and talked to a gentleman. I do not know how long his theater sobriety is, but I know it's a lot longer.
I kid him and say it's longer than I've been sober. I mean that I am old, but that was just kind of a humorous joke. But as he kept talking and he kept referring to the years further and further back, he was just about stopping when I was just getting started. And the only willingness that I recognized in those days was the willingness to drink. And now I can see an entirely different attitude about my living.
And I'm certainly grateful to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous for giving me a chance to get a new life. I said again last night, it's one thing about coming to a meeting like this, you get a lot of new people that haven't heard you talk before. And so you can say something that you probably have said to someone else, but they won't say to me, hey, you've already said that. That I went in and out the door and I had more than three chances.
And my God kind of said, there's something I want you to do. And the only way you're going to be able to do that is to stay sober. So that's why he let me come back. And I'm grateful for being back here. And looking out in this room and seeing all the people and not even knowing who all of them are, though I spot lots of friends around here that I know, everyone's a friend to be sure.
[00:10:02]
Or ones that I know. And ones who have helped me. I certainly can't give everyone of them credit. I'd like to give this young lady sitting in the second seat here, my temporary sponsor, Mary Ann B., who's the delegate from New Mexico, who put my name in to give me this opportunity. Because if you had told me just a few months ago I'd be standing here, I would have laughed at you. I knew I was coming to the Fellowship, at least I had planned it.
Let me be careful about what I say here. I still believe that my higher power is the guy. I believe that firmly. And I make a little humor, but I don't make any humor about my higher power. See, that's serious business with me. I don't laugh and joke with him. When I won't laugh and joke, I do that with people like you. I let my higher power put me on the straight and narrow. And it's fine. There are times I know when my legs ache, it's because of the fact that I'm trying to turn off to the right.
I saw something over here that I believe I can help him out with. But you know, there's always ways to get back on the straight and narrow. Being willing is more than just willing to put the cork in the bottle. At least that's the way it is for me. Because just not drinking would not be good enough. So I have to have something else in my life that makes it worth living. And living sober is just the beginning.
Because in the process of living sober, there's so many other things that I gain. I can't become close to telling you all the things that I've gained in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. The easiest ones to mention, of course, are the ones which are related to the material. But the most important to me today are the ones that are related to me. But the most important to me today are the ones that are related to me.
If you finally broke down that shell little by little, and you know, I used to call you sneaky. Because nobody would just walk up to me and say, hey dummy. See, I heard those people, but they weren't talking to me. Because I've been called dumb and stupid and SOB and all those other things too many times in my drinking days. And so my ears don't hear that today. What my ears hear is the love that you have willingly offered to me so that I can stay sober.
I hear that all the time. You may not be talking to me, but I hear it. And I read it. Not only in the big book and the 12 and 12 and other AA literature, but in that grapevine. And the grapevine has helped me many times. As Ann introduced me about traveling, I put, if I haven't read it for that month and I'm going on a trip, I put that in my bag. Along with all the other literature that I read every single day.
See, that was a part of my willingness. The first time someone said to me, if you happen to travel, take the AA program with you. And of course my rebellion at that time kind of said, not me. You know, I got enough room there to put my clothes and stuff in, you know. That was my attitude. And sometimes when my early sobriety showed up, you should have seen me traveling. My arrogance and all the other grandiosity that came along still came along with me.
And I went to England on a business trip one time. You would have thought I was going for a year. I had three bags. Because that was my style. And one guy said, how many suits have you got in there? I didn't tell him it was my entire wardrobe, but I, I didn't tell him it was my entire wardrobe, but I, but that was my style. I mean, it took me a while to kind of get out of that. But little by little, as the barriers broke down, I take what I have to have.
See, I also have meetings wherever I go. And I'm grateful for that. Because I know many times that, you know, my willingness would kind of say to me, well, let's think about this for a minute. And my thinking didn't take very long to realize, you know, you got to stay sober today, wherever you are. And in the process of doing that, you have to go where you got the information to stay sober. One of the early days when I came in, a lot of the old-timers says, whenever you get into trouble, go back to the basics.
How did you get started? Well, you told me to shut up and listen. Well, do that again. You know, you'd be surprised how it works when you listen to someone else. Sharing a cup of tea this morning with a lady from Connecticut. And we were talking about this, you know, this willingness to pay attention to what you've got, as compared to what you wish you had. And we were talking primarily about the location where we're staying.
And I kept saying, you know, when listening to that, it immediately reminds me of being grateful. First of all, I'm grateful for being in Montreal. I'm grateful for being alive and sober. Whether I was speaking here or not doesn't matter, because I'm not going to speak at all the rest of the meetings, in case you don't know that. I'm going to be doing what you're doing. You see, because I learned how to stay sober by listening.
And I'm willing to do that today. See, I'm willing to let somebody else tell me when I go wrong. See, I wasn't too cool about that. Not too long ago, I was talking to my sponsor about a situation, and she provided some information to me that I had not thought of. And not only did it help me with that particular problem, if you want to call it that, that I was working on, but it has helped me with many others, because it opened a new door.
And that's the way the program has worked for me. One door opens another, and another, and another. What I have to keep remembering, and I remind myself of this every day, is I'm only one in the fellowship. I am not the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. See, I'm not in charge of anything. I'm not in charge of my own life. I'm not going to stand here and tell you my life is unmanageable, and yet I believe in my higher power.
My life is more manageable than it ever has been. You see, I don't like to go to meetings and sit down and say, my life is still unmanageable. Because that's not giving my higher power any credit. That's not giving the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous any credit. …my higher power any credit. That's not giving the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous any credit.
[00:15:01]
That's not giving anyone any credit for helping me to turn my life around in the path that my mother and father would be proud of today, were they alive. My mother didn't get the opportunity to see me sober, but many times she would tell me in my drinking years, if you were more willing to look inside of you, you'd be surprised at what you'd find in these working on. See, my mother lived by the spiritual principles in which she talked about.
She walked the way she talked, and I didn't want to hear it, because my mother wanted me not to do the things I was doing. She didn't want me to go around beating up children and wives. She didn't want me raising hell every place that I went. My mother wanted me to live a respectable life. Unfortunately, I believed when I was drinking that my life was respectable, because I was in charge of it, and that's what the disease did to me.
And when the door of willingness opened to me that very first day, 13 February 1979, I had no idea what was going to happen to me, because at that point in time, I really didn't care. I asked the two gentlemen who were taking me to that treatment center, do they have bars on the window? That kind of tells you where my mind had gone to. It took me about a year and a half in this fellowship to realize I'd already been to one of those places that had bars on the window.
But I didn't want to tell you that, you see, because I didn't think anybody had been to one of those mental institutions except me. In fact, there are lots of things I didn't think anybody had done except me. We were kidding, I met another Ray B. yesterday, and I said, now I'm convinced again that I am not unique. So every time I think that uniqueness is about to surface, you know, just meet another Ray B. and that takes care of it.
See, it doesn't take much to make me happy today. See, my wife kind of kids me a lot. She said, what do you want for dinner? And I said, well, whatever. And I'm serious about that, because I eat, you know, everything. It doesn't matter to me. You know, whatever she fixes. And there are times I will kind of toss it out and say, I'd love to have a hot dog. A plain old hot dog. Because that's what I wanted to eat at that time.
Just a plain old hot dog. And what I want living sober is just plain old AA. See, I want anybody to give me a new copy of the big book that's been rewritten. I'm satisfied with the one I've got. See, I want another 12 and 12 rewritten. I got the one I got. I mean, it's starting to kind of come loose at the seams. But I got tape that patches that up. I've seen people running around with rubber bands on theirs, because if they open it up, I mean, the pages will fall out.
See, that tells me something. What I'm willing to do is look around at you and see what you do. See, when you stay out of the bars and when you stop, when you change your language, I can hear that today. Because if you're doing it and it works for you, it'll be alright for me. I'm not from Missouri, but you don't have to push me to Missouri anymore. See, wherever I am, I'm willing to listen to what you've got to say that helps keep me sober.
One day at a time. I have not been to Los Angeles to any meetings yet. And I say yet because I'm just starting to do business down there. Most of my business in California has been in Sacramento and in Palo Alto. And I met a lovely young lady there back in 1980 in Sacramento who has been like a sort of a sponsor away from home for me. And what she said to me one time opened another door. I mean, it was one of the huge doors that opened.
But one day she was sharing something with me and she says, you know, that you're doing a fine job in that area. And I gave her, I began to give her. One of my old stories, and that was this long dissertation about why it was alright for you to say thank you to me. You know how we do. And all she said to me was just say thank you and keep going. Boy, I mean, hey, what happened to my time on the stage?
You know, just say thank you and keep going. It's like being up here. You know, the opportunity to come up and share, whether it be a large meeting or a small meeting, it doesn't really matter. It keeps reminding me over and over and over from whence I've come. I've already been to hell. And now that I've had my chance to get out when the ladder came down in that hole and I started climbing to the top with help, of course.
Both pulling and pushing because that's what I needed. The pulling and the pushing. And people were talking about going to meetings and my first thing was, well, I'm going to three. That only took one week for me to get out of that habit. Because I remember going to two. And I got drunk. And after a while they kept saying, you know, if you want to stay sober, you keep coming to meetings because you want to come.
Can you believe that? You're telling all alcoholics that drank for 30 plus years that I can choose to come to meetings if I want to. I can choose to read the big book if I want to. I can choose to do anything I want to. But if I want to stay sober, can't drink. Well, now you know you got me this one little thing over here and all these good things over here. I'll take all these good things over here.
I can see what's going on in Montreal. October of 1966 I came to Montreal. I've got the pictures to prove that I was here. See, I wasn't willing then. See, the important part of the willingness to me, and it's very simple, is that I'm willing to talk to my higher power at the beginning of the day. Because someone said to me, get a morning program. And I said, you know how we are? We don't want to ask any questions about what you're talking about.
So I had to go to a lot of meetings to finally figure out, is just talk to your higher power at the beginning of the day and ask for some help.
[00:20:07]
It's not a new program. It's not an addition to, it's a part of the overall program of staying sober. At the end of the day, I could always say thank you, because I did that a lot until the last couple of years of my drinking. And when I woke up one morning, I was still on my knees and I wasn't praying. See, I had just passed out. And so I had kind of gotten out of that habit. As long as I stay willing, I'll keep doing the things that you told me about.
And I'll keep adding. And I'll keep adjusting. And usually the times that I know when I get the best help is when you said something to me that I didn't care for. You know, it kind of made me freckle a little bit, or maybe it's something I've kind of pushed off to the side. And yet it has resurfaced. Because I've ignored it. And my higher power is saying to me, it's time to do something about that.
And I've had enough pain and suffering together. I can't get rid of the pain. You already told me that and I believe it. But I'll let the pain be a provider of teachings for me. See, I am teachable today. You know, I clean out my ears regularly because there's something new that I need to put in there. I let my higher power talk to me through the things that I read, the things that I see. I let the God of my understanding talk to me through the things that I feel.
And when I usually go around and my gut is, you know, kind of wrenching with pain and I'm starting to shake a little bit, he's telling me, not now. This is not your time. You see, there are lots of times when I see a newcomer running to the door and they're kind of talking that foolish talk. And I want to rush over and grab him and say, hold it. And something says to me, that's not the way it's done.
At least that's not the way it is for me. See, I want to give it back the same way it was given to me. With love, concern, and compassion. And no, I don't want all those hugs, especially from the guys. But it's all right today. It is all right today. Because I know that's the way that we do things. Before I close, I want to say something that I say at the end of every day along with another prayer.
See, I've learned that a lot of things which I used to call kind of rote type, you know, the idiot things, the Lord's Prayer and so on. I use that regularly. But there's one that I picked up in one of my spiritual readings. And I say at the end of the day because it kind of encompasses the entire program for me when I'm saying thank you. Because sometimes I'm so concerned about saying thank you for other people.
Somebody may have given me some new information that day. Or maybe that day went in such a fashion that I kind of felt just extra good. I'm not going to try and stand here and define humility and serenity and all that stuff for you. But I know there have been many moments and hours that I have felt extremely well about the gratitude that I have for the fellowship of alcoholics and non-muslim beings.
So fundamentally it says, God, I thank you for this day. Wait a minute. Lord, I thank you for this day. And every moment that I pray. I woke at mornings dawn afraid to face my problems, but I pray. One by one each need was met, but thou hast never failed me yet. Dear God, henceforth my prayer shall be for strong, abiding faith in thee. By me saying that, I'm saying to him, I thank you for getting my day off to a fine start and staying with me every day.
And every moment of every day. Because there were times when I got into difficulty, I thought God immediately says, uh-huh, I told you you didn't pay attention, so I'm leaving you alone. And that's not the way it is. It's the same way in the meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I travel a lot, and wherever I've gone or wherever I will be going, according to the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, there's somebody there who will welcome me in the door and say, welcome.
And I don't mind saying I'm a random alcoholic. This time I'll be saying from Albuquerque, New Mexico, instead of Dayton, Ohio. I love each and every one of you, because it's the love that you've given to me that I'm just giving you back in return. It's not all cleaned up the way it's supposed to be. Somebody will tell me about it, and that's something I'll have to work on. I thank you for the opportunity of being here first thing this morning.
I hope each and every one of you enjoy to the fullest the 50th anniversary celebration of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous here in Montreal. God bless you all, and thank you. Well, we're off to a great start, aren't we? I forgot to tell you that my home group is in Los Osos, California, and it meets on Monday night. I won't be home this Monday, but I'll be there next Monday if you'd like to come.
It is no further from there to here than from here to there. And most of you are somewhere in between, and everybody wants to see California. Just let me know so Joe can have enough coffee. Our second speaker is Wilma W. from Nebraska, another transplanted California. Wilma. Good morning. I am Wilma Weston, and I am an alcoholic, and I am from Omaha, Nebraska. Hi. It is indeed a privilege and a pleasure for me to be here this morning.
Oh, good morning, Dick. I had something planned for you this morning, but unfortunately I see an awful lot of people that I know here. So I guess I'll just have to tell you how it really was.
[00:25:03]
How it really was. I thought in Montreal it's not possible. It is indeed a privilege to be able to participate in the 50th anniversary of Alcoholics Anonymous. To think that I am standing here feeling as well as I do, not in spite of the fact that I'm an alcoholic, but because I'm an alcoholic and a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I often think about the years that I spent drinking. And a woman alcoholic, there's a lot of women in this room today, I don't believe that there is any degradation worse than the woman alcoholic.
I drank for better than 20 years of my life. I was a barroom drinker. Saw an awful lot of different wallpaper in my life. It hasn't been necessary for me to look at any wallpaper and think, that was a bad idea. You see, I wasn't a blackout drinker. So, unfortunately, I remember everything I did and I always said, sounded good going in. But it hasn't been necessary. But it hasn't been necessary for me, since March the 22nd, 1969, to have to ever apologize for where I woke up in the morning.
Isn't that marvelous? That's fantastic. It's the marvel in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. But our topic this morning is willingness, the key. And without that, for me there is no program. When I received the letter, first I was astonished to think that there's probably about 400 people that will be doing what Ray and I, this morning, or today, are doing the convention. And that to be one of those that have been asked to participate, it was unbelievable.
From whence I came to where I am today, it is totally, it's impossible. It's impossible to be here, standing here today. And you know, the years of sobriety on the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, there is one thing that I'm still in awe of, is every morning when I wake up, I take a look in that mirror, and I am in awe. I truly am. It may not impress anybody else, but it certainly impresses the hell out of me.
To be sober and to be clean. And not to have to do the things that I did before. When I walked through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous, there was an awful lot of things that I had to learn about willingness. I came in, certainly a disillusioned, we are, we are disillusioned. Some of us are very lonely people. And I was a very sick individual. There was an awful lot of things that I had to learn when I came in.
There was an awful lot of things that I had to learn when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous. One thing that I had to learn, and I had to become willing to accept, was me. And that was very hard for me to do. I am very fortunate, when Ray talked about his parents passing away, I am very fortunate to have my father alive, who is 99 years old and in fabulous health. It's unbelievable. And he, we just bought him a new house in Southern California.
He's planning on living a little longer. Can you imagine? I used to think, I used to think a lot of different things when I was a kid growing up. I was, I was an anti-social individual. I lived in a country and in a world and a situation I neither cared to live in or wanted to. You could have stopped the world and I would have been happy to get off of it. My mother passed away in 1977 and she was able to see me sober and we became friends.
I am one of 21 children. I, I am the only alcoholic. My father is Oriental and my mother was Latin. My mother was Mexican. I am of Buddhist faith. I had to come to Alcoholics Anonymous and I had to become one of them. I had to come to Alcoholics Anonymous and I had to become willing to accept a power
[00:30:00]
greater than myself. I had to wrestle with that. And I found one thing when I talked to my dad and he said to me, those feelings that you have inside about Alcoholics Anonymous, I told my father, I said, I've gone to Alcoholics Anonymous. And he kind of looked at me and I'm sure he didn't really know what I was talking about. And he says, how does it make you feel inside? And I said, good. And he said, that is good for you then.
And you know, it's strange. All the things that you have taught me in Alcoholics Anonymous, I knew those things. My father comes from one of the oldest living races in the face of this earth. He had told me that I would never know peace or happiness because I had nothing inside of me. I came to you, but I wasn't willing. There was no willingness. I thought, what does he know? He's from over there. That's not the way we do it here in this country.
He'd better become Americanized. That's for those people. You told me the same thing. You told me it was an inside job. It was as simple as that. All the things that I basically knew from a family of good people. Obviously, they were very good. I worried about them constantly. I worried about my parents being married. I worried about the religious aspect of it. I took it upon myself to run the show.
I was the one who certainly would not, I couldn't understand why my father married my mother, and then at times I couldn't understand why my mother married my father. But there is one thing. You taught me another thing. It was none of my business. It was truly none of my business, but I wasn't willing to understand that. You know, the success of their marriage is September the 26th, 1977. They had been married 70 years, and I was worried about their relationship.
It took me an awful long time to learn small things in alcoholic phenomena. The key to willingness. My home group in Southern California, because I was born and raised in Southern California, came into Alcoholics Anonymous in Southern California, got my basic roots, the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, a foundation on a way to live. The key to this is not my just not drinking today. Not by the stretch of anybody's imagination in this room am I a Pollyanna.
Not at all. I've never thought of suicide, homicide, yes, you, not me. And yet alcohol and drugs damn near took my life because I pushed everything across the table, my dignity, my self-respect, my pride, my values, all of those things that I had as a little girl growing up. I was a big ugly looking kid in a room, in a home full of little people. My parents are like five feet tall, and at ten years old I was as tall as I am today.
I could eat soup off my dad's head. And I thought, I don't belong here. It was absolutely right. I didn't belong there. I didn't belong in a household of people that loved each other. I don't know whether I was an alcoholic prior to taking my first drink. I have no idea. I might have been. But I know one thing, that I felt different, and I felt odd, and I didn't feel a part of. And on Sundays when the warden, that was my mother, let us go, it was kind of like Grand Central Station.
I was sitting on the bench watching the others. I was never a part of my sisters. I had eight other sisters beside myself. I never was part of them. I never felt part of the family. I was just an ugly, gangly kid, left-handed with the biggest feet in the house, bigger than any of my brothers. My shoes were called gunboats or whatever was in submarines, no, carriers, that's right.
[00:35:10]
And I felt odd and funny and alone. You know those feelings. I'm sure most of you in some way or other have felt those feelings. But I wasn't willing. I never in my life was willing to accept anything that I hadn't rationalized and justified myself. The sick tool working for itself. And one day, and I won't go through it, one day by some miracle, and it had to be of power greater than myself, because I was certainly, I had never heard of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I had drank and did all the things that one does in their life, and I certainly wasn't ready to come to Alcoholics Anonymous, nor had anybody told me that I suffered with the disease of alcoholism. I had no idea. I was also, as I mentioned, a drug addict. I'm an alcoholic first, and somewhere along the line when I was going to college and trying to work at the same time, I started to use amphetamines, because I needed to stay awake.
And after about seven years, when I graduated, I was a full-blown drug addict. Now that I knew. I knew what I was. I did not know that I was an alcoholic. I had no idea. I was a two-fisted drinker, and I didn't wake up with hangovers. And I did not dislike alcohol. I liked alcohol. I liked 100-proof Smirnoff Blue Label, straight up, with a nice water back. I never thought I would be buying 40 cases of Diet Cola, just so I won't run out.
That's what I do in my spare time in Alcoholics Anonymous. I knew what I was, and yet there was nothing I could do about it, because I didn't know that the combination was killing me off. I was an executive in traveling for my company, and was with them for better than 24 years in Southern California. Be careful, as Ray said, be careful when you have that marvelous communication with your higher power.
Just be absolutely careful of that. After coming onto the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and that was a miracle in itself, and I'd like to kind of tell you about that, because, you see, a higher power had to give me the gift of sobriety. And I think all he asked from me was the small willingness to just to open up the mind a little bit, just a little, so that I could come through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Because I will tell you, not for my family would I have come. Not if you had have told me I was an alcoholic, would I have come to Alcoholics Anonymous. Not for my son, because I didn't put anything or anybody before me. I could never figure out why they said I needed him. I signed the checks. I thought he needed me, and that's the way it was. And that higher power, the power greater than myself, had to make the surrender possible for me and give me the key, the key of willingness, and that's truly what it was.
And he surrendered me in an area that I had never in my entire life ever been surrendered, and he caught me off guard. I admit the man that I am married to now didn't know what he, I didn't know he was an alcoholic. I do know that he drank like I did and sat on the same bar stools that I did, and we just had one hell of a time. God, we drank it up, did we? We had a ball and a half. And he didn't ask me those strange questions that other people ask, like why do you have two names and three cars and all those things and you're never available.
He didn't ask me those things, and I thought that was marvelous. I never could figure out, though, how a grown man could call me up at my office and sort of hint like he didn't know where a Continental was. You see, I didn't know he was in a black car. I could have went out with my curlers on. He would never have remembered. He couldn't remember his car, and I thought, isn't that strange? He has no idea where he left his car.
[00:40:01]
And he'd call up and ask for a clue, kind of, a clue. But one evening I was sitting in our favorite watering hole, waiting for him, and he arrived at 7.30. I probably arrived at about 10, just so I wouldn't miss him. But by this time I was helping the bartender cut his limes and his lemons and get set up for the customers, and then so that they wouldn't take my favorite seat, because when I walked in, boy, I wanted that seat there.
So I got there early enough. And of course I stayed late enough to make sure that nobody else took my vantage point. So there I was clicked. He walked in and he said to me the oddest words. He said to me, he didn't take his seat next to me, he said to me, I'm an alcoholic and I have to go back to Alcoholics Anonymous. And he said to me, would you go with me? I didn't know that he meant right then and there.
And I said, as I'm drinking my drink, yes, I will. And the man had the audacity to look at his watch and say, if we leave now, we can make a meeting. Now in those days, ladies, in 69, ladies, executive ladies wore little black suits, white pearls, and a bun in the back of your hair, and glasses, whether you needed them or not. And I, and little white, my little white gloves were on the bar, kept those clean.
And I picked up my drink and I drank it down and I put on my little black, white gloves and I slipped off the bar stool, walked through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I'll be damned, I've never had another drink since. Huh? Is that something? And I'll quickly tell you why. Because of that higher power and because of the Lady Lois who walked down the aisle. She walked down the aisle in a meeting in Los Angeles across the street from this hotel.
And it was Veterans Night and they came over in their little slippers and I strongly suspect that that's what alcoholics look like. And the lady walked down the aisle, in those days we wore long dresses in Southern California, a lot of us did, and she walked down the aisle in a black velvet long dress with white streamers and her hair was beautiful and she was a gorgeous lady and she is still a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.
And the lady took the podium and told my story. She told my story. Not only did she tell my story, but when she walked off the podium I was only a guest. She looked at me and she said the words to me. She said, you don't have to go to the end of the line, you can get off the train anywhere. And the lady didn't look down on the floor, she didn't look, she looked in my face. And for some reason I was angry, but I believed her.
And then I watched her. I'm an observer of people. I watched her and I watched her and the one thing that I liked about her is that when those guys came up to thank her, it's the first time in my life that woman looked at them. She did not look down at them. And so I never took another drink based on that. So if you call me and ask me, and I was sick an awful long time, and I'm not going to give you my story about that, I'm simply going to tell you that it took an awful lot of willingness.
They told me that I would do what I had to do and I had to go to any length to do it. And that it didn't make any difference whether I liked it or not. And that's still the way it is in Alcoholics Anonymous for me. And if I sponsor you, that's the way I still feel today. And it doesn't make any difference whether you like it or not. And it doesn't make any difference whether I like it or not. I am indeed grateful to be here today.
And the one thing I wanted to say about that is, if you call me for a 12-step call and it's in the middle of the night, the drunk will have to wait an hour, an hour and a half, because I do put on my makeup and I do get dressed. And if you've been drunk for 20 years, you can wait another hour and a half. Again, it is a privilege and it is a pleasure for me to be here today. I thank you all. I thank you for my life.
As a woman alcoholic, I walked hard.
[00:45:00]
There's still some more floor-sitting room in the front if you people would like to come forward. Why don't you let some of the ladies come through, or the gentlemen in between. I don't want you to miss anything. I sponsor a few people myself. Alcoholics Anonymous, and I heard her say it today and I thought, my God, she told me that many years ago and I'm still here too. It's amazing. Our third speaker is now Everett B. from North Carolina. We have a substitute and I'm sure we'll have no problems with the substitute. He tells me that he has 27 pitches running from 5 minutes to 3 hours.
And hopefully he'll pick out the right one for us today. Ogo K. from New York, Manhattan. My name is Ogo K. and I'm from Manhattan. The ultimate lesson of humility, your name is not on the program. When I first came to these rooms, that would have been impossible. And somebody just asked me, what am I? I'm a drunk. We used to be a drunk. My name is Ogo K. and I'm a grateful alcoholic. When I first came into these rooms, I used to sit back and I would say, if they only knew who I was. And everybody in the room knew exactly who I was.
Except me. I also suffered from a disease of, look what you made me do. And I finally, when I was willing to admit to myself that I couldn't do it by myself, that's when I was able to stay sober. Because I was also one of these drunks that did it all by himself. And since the two earlier speakers mentioned the best groups in a country, I come from the third best group from the country. Soho, New York. And also from Midtown, New York. Soho started with six artists. And why we started the group is that one of them was defiant enough, he didn't like AA, so we took AA to him.
And we're going to celebrate our seventh anniversary and our membership is about 200 people, mostly young. It's the inn happening in New York City every Friday and Sunday night. But looking back, when I was willing to accept that I wasn't the higher power, that's when I was able to stay sober. And when I wasn't in charge, I was staying sober. But the first time I had experience with AA was about 14 years ago.
And I think I had a little bit of a drinking problem. I always, my priorities weren't too well organized. And so I had a wife that didn't understand and I had a responsible job that only I could do.
[00:50:01]
And the government needed my help and so no wonder I drank a little bit too much. And so I called up the local intergroup and I said, are you really anonymous? And they said, yeah. And I said, no, no, really, I'm a very important person. And you better send at least your executive vice president. So I can just see the guy on the other hand, you know, covering up the mouthpiece. Well, anyhow, what happened is they sent three guys. And they were funny, they didn't drink. So I tried to offer them coffee and they weren't even particular what kind of coffee.
They were drinking. So I knew they weren't my kind of people. So I tried to stay off the booze on my own. And the ultimate defiance, I'm going to do it by myself. Now I know that I cannot do by myself anything really. And so it took me a couple more years before I finally decided to stay. And what happened is I had made the decision that I wouldn't drink in a continental United States. Perfectly logical thing to do. And after staying off the booze for about nine months or so, when I first came into the fellowship, it was like two years, but now it has whittled down to nine months.
And so all of a sudden my company developed problems in Africa. And I was in a position to straighten it out. And so obviously I had to go there. And as everybody knows, Kennedy Airport is an international airport. And as soon as I got there, I ordered a beer and I didn't drink beer. So it was a hot day and they brought the beer over and I mused to myself, for lack of nothing else to do, and I said, Errol Sarner really designed this building for me because the sun was hitting the beer.
And I was a romantic drinker, by the way. My mother at one time in my early sobriety kept insisting that I wasn't a drunk, that I was very sophisticated and so forth. And so I replied to her, I said, I even fell down sophisticated. You know, pretended I was still standing up. But I am totally convinced that sobriety is on a marquee and nothing else belongs there. Nothing else. Everything else is in a playbill. And as long as I remember that, I'm not going to have anything to drink today.
I think every one of us is a miracle in this room and in Montreal and every place else. And the reason for it is very simple. We're willing to accept just one premise, that I can't drink safely. I think that the higher power is in all of us. And a lot of times, especially newcomers who still have maybe a little bit of a problem about the willingness, accepting the fact that we can't drink, they go out and buy a lot of books.
You know, we in New York have a lot of these spiritual shops, you know, how to find your higher power and all this, all racks of it, you know. And my sponsor gave me the simplest way to spiritual life.
[00:55:19]
Anytime you would run into Sam, he would say, if you asked him, even if you didn't ask him, he would tell you. And I said, Sam, what are you doing? And he'd look at you and he'd say, I'm staying sober. And many people used to say, I wouldn't want to have Sam's sobriety. And he attracted me because most people kept saying they didn't like Sam's sobriety. Most of those people kept going out. And Sam had been around at that time about 14 years.
But next August the 5th, I'll be celebrating 11 years of sobriety. And the defiance was still so great in me. I'd been just on a six-month drunk, literally 24 hours a day. You know, one of those drunks where you nod off for five minutes and subconsciously you say, I'm finally falling asleep. I'm so glad. And then you look at your watch and only five minutes went by. Yeah, I heard some years. And what happened is I was lying on a floor in my library and I was living. Somehow it has happened that the house I was still staying in didn't belong to me anymore. It belonged to my ex-wife.
But she was kind enough to let me stay in this one room. And what happened, and later on she told me that she expected to open the door one day and just call the undertaker. And I was sleeping in a sleeping bag. And for some reason, you know, real Freudian. And there were couches in the room and all this. I was sleeping in a sleeping bag with a Fulani sword from Africa next to me in case anybody broke in.
And what happened is I'm looking at these first editions smug as a son of a bitch, you know, really smug and saying, I really know how to live. And for the lack of nothing else to read in a room, I was reading the label on a vodka bottle. And it wasn't anymore the blue label. It was the cheapest home brand and they usually would invent these Russian sounding names on the label. You know, I can still feel it, how terrible it was. And for the volume, I used to buy wine, real cheap wine, so that I would have vodka and then wine. And then just in case you would drop in, I would always buy a small bottle of dry vermouth so we could have martinis.
But nobody was dropping in. So at the end of every night, my supply was a gallon of wine and a quarter of vodka and then a small bottle of vermouth every night. And so since you didn't drop in, the vermouth was always drank about six o'clock in the morning, you know. And I was looking at that vodka bottle and I was reading this long name and when I got to the middle of the name, I had forgotten the beginning of that word.
I had forgotten the beginning of that word. And that was the second of my willingness.
[01:00:02]
I looked at the bottle and I said, who the hell are you kidding? You can't even read a label on a vodka bottle. And I accepted the fact that I was an alcoholic. And everything since has been really great. What happened is I went to a rehab, and again, in retrospect, we always, and this is the beauty of it, when I first read the literature, none of you told me what to do. I would have left. But what you said is, if you want what we have, this is what we did.
You know, even a stubborn guy like me can't argue with this. It's a fact. This is what we did. Don't argue with me. I've been sober almost 11 years. So don't rewrite the literature and so forth. So what happened is I went into a rehab, and just lately I have realized how important this is. I'm one of these people that believes in service. That's what keeps us sober. That's what makes even these wonderful conventions.
And I had been in a rehab for about two hours when they brought in a guy that was worse off than I was. And another guy and myself started to help this guy because the attendants were making all kinds of racial slurs and remarks about this poor, suffering alcoholic. And the only feelings I had in those days was anger. And it was really good because I said, who the hell are those people talking about this poor guy?
And we started to help him. And this guy in turn wanted to punch us out, you know. And we paid him, and they threw him in a room with nothing except a mattress. And we fed him. And after a day of this, something incredible happened. I don't know what happened, but it was a new feeling. And all of the sudden I realized that I hadn't thought of drinking for the past, I don't know how long, but it might have been maybe an hour or five minutes or three hours.
But I had, because drinking for me was a full-time job, 24 hours a day. And while helping someone else, I wasn't thinking about me. I wasn't thinking about this poor guy that, it was totally a misunderstanding why I was there or anything. I was trying to help him, and by helping him I was getting better, right there. And it has been like this for the past 11 years. And of course, like everybody else, I've had trouble with uniqueness.
And so in my early sobriety, I used to always tell stories like, because I wanted to let you know that I was different, a little bit different. And I would say, well, at least I can tell you that I've done something that none of you in this room has done. And this lasted for almost two years. I thought it was a real good line, you know. And I said, one day I was sitting in London and musing. I was always musing at the end of the bar, you know, solving the world's problems and so forth.
And what happened is, I said, why do people always say, from here to Timbuktu? So guess what? I went and checked it out. So I've been telling the story that none of you has drank in Timbuktu. And after two years of telling this, one day some guy came up and said, which bar? And it's so marvelous not to be unique, you know. And since I wasn't on a program, I let everybody in New York know that I was going to speak.
But what I forgot is that New Yorkers don't get up this early.
[01:05:06]
And as was said before, it's also good to talk to friends that you haven't met. And I'm really deeply grateful and thankful for my sobriety, because I feel that my sobriety doesn't belong to me, neither does yours. It belongs to us. Thank you, and I'll be seeing you in a convention. How about Patti Poli? Is she here? If anybody knows Patti Poli, or… Are you Patti Poli? Have you got your wallet? No?
The security office has it. Let's give a hand! I just thought that was a question that wasn't going to be answered, frankly. So, well, here we are, and they say on the schedule that… Thank the speaker… Oh, no, it's before that. Introduce the first speaker. Are there any questions? No? Well, I hate to finish this 25 minutes early, and I hate to tell you my story, but I do want to mention the fact that my sponsor is here in general service, and I'm her sponsor, and because of her insisting upon me standing, I became willing to serve in general service, and I'm part of, and I'm grateful and pleased about that.
How many people in the room are involved with general service? There we go. So if the rest of you want to know anything about it, ask us. We have a few minutes, and I think that what we'll use the few minutes for is that some of you might like to stand up and give your name and say something, and we'll start with Mary Ann from New Mexico. There's a little mic. Right over here, right in the center mic.
Just speak for a second. We've got 20 minutes. No, that's okay. I'm used to facing this way. Good grief, you could hear me without it. I'm Mary Ann. I'm an alcoholic. Boy, Ann's wonderful. I was just about to sneak out the door into the restroom. God, leave me a stall in there. Willingness. Boy, I was never willing to get up at a microphone until I got sober. I'm thrilled to be here. I really am. This is what willingness has done for me.
It's brought me to Montreal. I appreciate our speakers and their sharing with us. I particularly enjoy Ray. He's been an inspiration to me. He's got a real straight, simple program, and he keeps me on track. He doesn't know that. It's neat sponsoring people who keep you straight. Gosh, I really don't know what to say. Thank you very much for being here. Thank you. My name is Bill. I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, Bill. The topic of willingness is a good one for me today. I heard a lot of things I needed to hear. It reminded me, too, of before I came in the program, willingness didn't come quickly to me. The first time I called Intergroup in New York, I was drinking, and I didn't want to call them. I was with someone, someone I like to be with, and we had taken the day off, and I was drinking. I was pretty well through a quart of scotch at the time,
[01:10:00]
and I didn't have hangovers, and I didn't have headaches either. So there wasn't much to punish me, to stop me from drinking, but the person I was with didn't like it much, and she said, don't you want to stop drinking? And I said, or don't you want to slow down? And I said, no, I don't think so. She said, well, I'm going to call AA. I liked her company quite a bit, and so I didn't take issue with that.
I thought that was all right. And so she called, and she said, they want to speak to you. And I really didn't know what to say. So the girl on the other end of the line said, is there anything I can tell you? And I was trying to think of something, and so I said, well, in the early morning when I can't pick up a drink, when my hand is shaking too much, how do I get that first one down in a hurry? And she said, well, a friend of mine used to pour it into a frying pan and drink it with a straw.
She could see that I wasn't ready. So I said, thank you very much for that, and I hung up. And my friend said, well, did they tell you anything? And I said, yes. It's fine. And so we went to dinner, and that was the end of that. It was a number of months before I really called intergroup again, and I went to a hospital. And it wasn't because I thought it out or because I wanted it. I didn't want to stop drinking at all.
I didn't stop until it hurt like the devil. I was crazy, and I was very uncomfortable, and I couldn't put down a drink. I knew I couldn't have read the label on a vodka bottle either at that point. But I knew what was inside. That was all that mattered to me at that time. And it's been that way ever since, that whenever I did change, it was because I was uncomfortable, because I hurt. And now I don't look at that anymore as a punishment and something to be avoided.
Because all my life I had thought, well, pain is stupid. Why work? Why go to college? Why get a good job if you're going to be uncomfortable? And so I thought that was dumb. I should do whatever I could not to feel uncomfortable. And alcohol always worked for me when nothing else would. Now I don't look on pain that way. I look on pain as God tapping me on the shoulder saying, Bill, it's time that you started doing something a little differently.
Thinking differently and acting differently. And so when I hurt now, even though I'm not sure exactly what to do, I do know to go to a meeting and to listen. And I always leave feeling better. And gradually I think maybe change is taking place. And I'm very grateful. Thank you. Thank you, Bill. My name is Teddy and I'm an alcoholic and I'm from Auburn, Mass. Hi, Teddy. Wow, am I glad to be here. I'm overwhelmed with this.
Shaking hands with everybody from all over the world. It just blows my head. I'm never standing up here, but I'm willing to do it because I want you all to know me. I don't want to know you all. And I was just thinking that, you know, how grateful I am that who would ever think that over ten years ago that my deepest heart's desire was to be an alcoholic anonymous. You know, God knew. And I'm here just to say that I'm willing to let you know who I am, whether it's sad or whether it's glad or whether it's mad or whether it's feeling sorry for myself or whatever it is.
And that's a big thing that God has given me. And I'm grateful for that. And just standing up here trembling and saying that makes me feel good. And thank you for being here. Thank you. Thank you. How about the lady in the red? Me? Yep. Thank you. Hi, everybody. My name's Pat. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Pat. And I guess that's right. I'm an alcoholic. So here's the bad news. Oh, I'm so glad to be here. I'm really so happy to be here.
I was the most devious, conniving, dishonest, lying drunk there ever was. There ever was an alcoholic. And God is good to me. I don't pick up a drink a day. It's a miracle. I don't pick up a drink a day. A Miracle. I don't pick up the drink a day at a time. And I'm working with Bill. And for me, that is marvelous. That is good. You're good. You're great. I love you all. I want to thank the speakers today. It's been a great session. Thank you.
[01:15:17]
Let's give the speakers another great hand. I think we have a wonderful start. When I walked into my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in Los Osos, California, which had a thousand people at the time, it wasn't anonymous, believe me. Everybody knew who I was. And they said, Hi Mrs. Phil, what are you doing here? I couldn't believe it. I had read the book and they said there were a hundred people and I didn't know they were all in Los Osos.
So it's nice. I know you all today. I'm grateful to have this opportunity to share. I think we've gotten this convention off to a fantastic start. And let's close with the Lord's Prayer.