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Source: 1985 Montreal International Convention – Multi Speakers – WHAT DO I DO FOR AN ENCORE – RS 06419.mp3 File: 1985-montreal-international-convention-multi-speakers-what-do-i-do-for-an-encore-rs-06419.mp3 Duration: 01:22:40
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Good morning, everyone. If everybody would like to take a seat and get this started. I told somebody, I don't know, in the room that there was going to be maybe 10 or 15 people here. I've lied about other things, too. Good morning. Woo! I am so excited to be here, I can barely stand it. My name is Kathleen, and I am an alcoholic. I'm from the biggest state in the Union. Hey, Jeannie, how are you? Hi, Frank.
God, this is exciting. I'm here in a crowd of 45,000 miracles. Oh! I'd like to open this meeting with a moment of silence to reflect on the reasons why we're here, and it's not to have a good time, guys. I don't want any smiling. I have a serenity prayer for those that would like to join me. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot say, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I've been asked to chair this meeting, and I feel very, very excited about that. To be a part of this convention is probably the most exciting thing that has happened to me in my sobriety. If somebody would have said to me that I would be standing in a room full of sober people enjoying myself, when I first came into this program, I would have said, it ain't no way. And since I've come into this program, every single day has gotten better and better and better.
And I'm afraid I'm going to die, because I don't know how it could get any better than it is right now. The people that we have speaking today, I have not met before, but I've heard, I've gone around the room, and there's nothing nice about them. You want to know for a fact. And I found out that one of the advantages that I have, you see, is the fact that I am right now the present delegate for the state of Alaska, and so I happen to know all of the active delegates right now.
So I go to them and I ask them, what do you think of this one? And they kind of give me a report on things. Well, first speaker Bev, I went to Mel and I said, what do you know about Bev? And he said, well, other than the fact that she's probably one of the hardest working service members, that's important. One of the nicest women that he knows. I made him say, except you. He said something about a purple robe.
And I don't know if she's going to share any part of that with us, but she probably had a drinking purple robe. Orange purple robe. Orange purple. So I would like to have you help me welcome Bev from Ontario. Thank you. I guess my name is Bev. My name is Bev and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, everyone. I am just overwhelmed to be here this morning and I'm equally as overwhelmed to see so many friends here that, as far as I'm concerned, I suppose I think that they could be somewhere else listening to someone they hadn't heard a thousand times before or haven't been listening to so much recently.
It's just a tremendous, tremendous honour to be asked to be any part of any AA meeting,
[00:05:06]
to be at any AA meeting. But I guess the fact that this is the 50th anniversary and there are so many other members of Alcoholics Anonymous who make such a contribution to have been chosen to be part of this convention. I'm not sure if you're supposed to say that you feel humble or not, but if there was a time that I had a humbling experience, it was when I opened the letter and said that I was receiving a loving invitation.
They said, this is a loving invitation. Now, to me, a loving invitation means they're asking you if you want to do that. But it went on to say where I was doing it and when I was doing it. So, anyway, to tell you the truth, I thought it was a receipt for a donation we had made for Tuesday North and I was just overwhelmed. However, I am not so foolish as to tell you that it might as well have been a command because I was coming.
There was no hesitation. I didn't have to think, now I wonder if I want to do this or not. I wanted to do it. It will be an experience and a memory that I am sure that I shall never forget. Speaking of Mel, I'm not sure what he said to you, but I said to him a few minutes ago when I was introducing him to some friends, this, I don't know why I'm being so friendly in speaking to Mel with such warm affection.
He's the one that at this moment is making me sick to my stomach. Anyway, when I opened the, I don't know about any of the rest of you alcoholics, but I think, you know, egos are not that easy to get rid of. And when I noticed that my name was the first on the program, let me tell you, I noticed it. It was very nice. And it reminded me, and I told my friends here from London, all those dear people that are here this morning, it reminded me of the first time I spoke at a convention, the Western Ontario Convention, and the program chairman of that convention said I had not had much experience speaking at conventions at that point, and it was the first panel also on the Saturday morning, and he said, well, folks, this one's all up to you.
This is the one that makes or breaks the convention. And I really took it literally, and I was absolutely sure if I did not speak well, there would be no more Western Ontario Conventions. So if you hear in five years there's no more international conventions, you'll know that's because I didn't speak well. Anyway, of course at that time I really believed it. I don't now. I was pretty crazy. Our topic is what do I do for an encore, I think.
And I wasn't exactly sure what all that meant, but I learned this morning that there were three, four others that didn't know what it meant either. So God knows what you're going to hear. They said that means you can talk about anything. Well, I thought you usually do anyway. We really do. We get topics, but seldom does anyone ever stick to the topic. Anyway, one thing that someone said to me, well, what do you do for an encore?
That really means that you're a has-been.
[00:10:02]
They're putting you out to pasture. But then they said that that's better than being a never-was. So just around, you know, I was feeling kind of bad. I thought, you know, does that mean that I've done sort of everything? Where do you go from here? And you often sort of think that, you know. And then around that same time, God works in mysterious ways. My neighbor was telling me, and I think she was meaning this as a compliment, that her husband had said to her one day, you know, Bev is really a very nice-looking woman when she's all dressed up.
And I thought, you know, why can't I be just a nice-looking woman? Then the work that I'm doing now, I have some involvement with some renovations that are going on in a building of which I am supposed to know something about and know nothing. And so I was over there talking to one of the young boys, trying to explain to him what he should be doing, and I didn't know either. And so I was talking and trying to make it sound like I did know and looking at him very seriously.
And then he said to me, interrupted what I was saying, and said, you know, I bet you were a good-looking broad in your day. In your day. Anyway, I'm not sure what the message is except that I'm all through. Anyway, I don't care what I look like now, it's better than when I was wearing that orange housecoat now. Anyway, down to the business at hand. I guess I would like to say that what do I do for an encore?
You know, when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, there is no question about it, I was a beaten woman. My alcoholism was, I am sure, in the final stages. I was incapable of doing anything except being obsessed and controlled by and with alcohol. I was absolutely petrified to quit drinking. I didn't have any will to live. I felt hopeless and helpless. I was not sort of suicidal in that I was trying to take my life except the thought that was with me all of the time was, I wonder how much longer this is going to go on.
I had not intended to become that kind of a person. As a young girl, I had not been deprived of anything. And when I started my drinking, I started it in a very social way. I would like to tell you just briefly that I had my first drink in a very social setting. It was in a beautiful home. I always like to tell this story because it's significant to me. It was around Christmas time. It was a beautiful environment, great atmosphere.
I had never drank when I was out socially before. I'd never drank at all. I just didn't see any reason to drink. I already felt that I was having such a wonderful time with life. However, I drank that night because everyone else was drinking and I wanted to be part of this whole thing. That's the only reason I have ever been able to figure out why I drank that night instead of other nights. And so when this lady came by and she had a silver tray in her hand with long, thin crystal glasses in that tray and there was some pink bubbly stuff in those glasses.
And when she asked me if I would like to have a drink, instead of saying no, If I would like to have a drink, instead of saying, no, thank you, like I had on every other occasion, I said, yes, please.
[00:15:07]
And although I thought life was wonderful up until that time, let me tell you that any time anybody came by and passed anything, they looked to that drink instead of saying, no, thank you, I said, yes, please. And if I thought life had been good to me up until that point, let me tell you, it picked up from there. Good things began to happen. What happened precisely was that I loved everybody and what was more important was everybody else loved me.
Now, when I was new in the program and I wasn't able to be honest and I didn't trust you, I used to say everybody. What I should have been saying was every man because I really didn't care what the women were saying, but I sure loved it when those men told me how wonderful I was. I was clearly the girl that understood, you know, and they knew that if they're, you know, they just wish their wife had been more like me.
And when I got to meet their wife, I understood that. Anyway, that was the story of my drinking for a long, long time. I didn't get drunk that time. I didn't think that alcohol is the answer to all of my problems. I didn't think I had any problems. I didn't think I can hardly wait to drink another time. Only this, I did drink every time I had a chance from then on. I loved what alcohol did for me, but most important, I loved what alcohol did for you.
And that was really my drinking story. I was able to control alcohol. I'm not going to get in whether, you know, we're social drinkers, control drinkers, but we are. All I know is I didn't get into a lot of trouble for a long, long time. But my disease progressed, and by the end of my drinking, I was, as I told you, absolutely controlled by alcohol, wandering around the house day in and day out in my old alcoholic housewife's uniform.
And that consisted of that robe that Mel was talking about. It was a beautiful orange and white terrycloth outfit that I made out of three bath towels and a zipper when I was in the psychiatric ward of St. Joseph's Hospital, supposedly for treatment, but teaching occupational therapy. Whenever I was in the hospitals, I never got, you know, I didn't receive treatment. I gave treatment. When I was in the psychiatric hospital in London, somebody mistook me for a social worker, so I became one.
And I counseled that my weaker brothers and sisters, and God knows where they are now. Anyway, I would wander around this housecoat, which consisted of this, you know, this old terrycloth thing. And I had an old pair of blue, fuzzy, gummy, sticky, gluey slippers. And they could never be washed because they had leather, so my feet sort of stuck to the insides of them and also to the floor. They kind of squished around.
And, you know, what is it they say in the fashion shows? To complete this ensemble, I had my old red wig. And actually, it was not unlike the color of Mel's shirt. Stand up, Mel. There it is. And at that time, wigs were made out of some sort of acrylic stuff. And if they got close to heat, they got all kinds of sins. And mine had been close to heat, and it was singed and fringed. And that was just like a security blanket.
It went on inside out, upside down, backwards, sideways, but it was always on. And if I wanted to look a little better for the day, I had this old orange and moss green kerchief that I tied around my head and put a little bow here at the side. And, you know, this was it. And my husband was away a lot in those days. And I took great exception to when he came home and accused me that I'd been drinking.
Anyway, I would get out of that outfit and go down to the market where I ended up my drinking.
[00:20:08]
And, you know, it's good for me to remember where I had my first drink in that beautiful home and where I finished up my drinking. It was in the market. And it was in the washrooms in the market, and it was in the john. And the john I went into was free, and the latch was broken on the door in there. And so I would have to sit on the john, and by that time I was drinking the cheapest of anything, and it was cheap wine.
And I would always be shaking and quivering. I had not intended to end up this way. And I would open up this bottle of wine sitting on the john with my foot on the door, and I would tear down the paper, and my hand would go up to my mouth with this bottle of wine, and the wine would be all sort of shaking out on the brown paper. And I would tip it up and drink about a half a bottle of that cheap wine.
And every time I did, I would cry the same thing. If my grandmother could only see me now. You see, I hadn't intended to be there. And then I would cry that cry that so many of us recall. Dear God, please help me. It tells us in chapter five that we were alcoholic and could not manage our own life, that no human power could relieve our alcoholism, but that God could and would if he were sought. I did not know I was alcoholic, but I was directed to the doors of alcoholic synonyms.
It is very clear to me I am here by the grace of God. I didn't want to quit drinking, but I learned here I had a disease. I had a tremendous desire to live a better life, but I had no desire to quit drinking. The people told me if I wanted to live a better life, I had to stay away from the first drink one day at a time, and I had to become involved. I had to become active, and boy did I become active.
There was nothing I didn't do. I just leaped around the city of London and points east, west, north, and sounds like a gazelle. I did anything anybody asked me to. Anytime they asked me to do it, day, night, it made absolutely no difference. I loved every minute of it. But in those days, I took a great deal of credit for the big help I was giving to everyone. However, I was willing, and I did these things, and thank God I did.
I thought that I was doing everyone such a big favor, but I have learned that the person that received the benefits and the rewards were myself. I became very involved in service. I loved it. I became involved in everything because, you see, I knew that you loved me, and you told me that you needed me and that you wanted me, and I needed that so much. And I am grateful to God. I didn't know I was doing things right, but I am grateful to God that I got that kind of a foundation.
Bill Wilson says, and as he sees it, that those of us that got that kind of a foundation were so richly blessed because it paved the way for us to get to the stage where we could become rehabilitated and we could have some diversion and we could have some balance in our lives. But for years and years and years, I continued on. My dry date is March 1, 1971. And for a number of years, my total involvement was Alcoholics Anonymous.
I went to work. I did the physical things around the house that I had to do, but believe me, I was immersed in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I am grateful to God because first I learned that I could live without a drink. Then I learned how to cope with life. And then I learned about how I could enjoy life, the joy of living. And I learned that I could not only be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous,
[00:25:00]
but if I practiced the principles in all my affairs, I could be a good family member and I could be a good friend and I could be a citizen of the world. And that's what I have tried to do one day at a time. I'm fortunate now. I worked with Mal in Western Ontario General Service and made a decision that I would not go on any further in that service. But I believe if we pray one day at a time to be open to what God's will, the plan will unfold.
And that's what's happened with me. Most recently, I have become involved in a treatment center. And at that treatment center, the program is going to revolve around the philosophy of Alcoholics Anonymous. And so I am indeed richly blessed because I am able now to try to incorporate the life that I have been so richly blessed with into a program that will help treat alcoholics and help them to turn their lives around and to stay sober one day at a time.
I believe that if I had not had the foundation in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I would not be equipped to do this. Life has been tremendously good for me and for my family and for my friends. I had absolutely nothing going for me when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. I was a vegetable. I was a zombie. I merely existed. Today, I do have the true joy of living. I am able to practice the promises that we are given in the big book.
And those things will happen and do happen one day at a time. I can remember one time at our group hearing a fellow say, I could just, when he came to his recovery and the rewards, I could go on and on and on. And there was a woman at the back of the room that had had a few drinks, and she yelled out, please don't. And so before someone would say that to me, I will not go on and on, but I will tell you that this is probably one of the most beautiful things that has happened to me.
And for whatever reasons, I really did feel as though I was going to be sick to my stomach. But when I stood up here and looked down at you and the warmth and the glow on all your faces and particularly my dear friends, I had a calmness that came over me that really would have allowed me to go on and on. But there are two other gentlemen that are going to speak to you, and I just want to thank you.
I love you, and thank you for this wonderful opportunity of sharing with you. Thank you. She is an encore. One of the things I wanted to do at the first of the meeting is kind of establish a non-smoking area. Is there an area where mostly non-smokers are sitting? It seems like I know a lot of them are. Oh, okay, why don't we… Yeah, there's a lot of non-smokers. Why don't we establish that? The back half of this room over here is a non-smoking area, and if you want to be a part of it…
Well, the only reason I bring this up is because I know there's members in our organization where I'm from that are literally allergic to smoke, and it does make them deathly ill. And being perfect like I am, I don't have that problem. Thank you. You are so terrific. You know, it's amazing to me that… Oh, everybody… Chuck from Alaska! Hey, hey! How great it is that God puts good people in my life that I need to hear.
Oh, I loved it. Thank you. The next speaker is Ed from Kansas and what I know about Ed is, well first of all what I know about Ed is I happen to know his delegate, God is now wonderful, and well the reason I know his delegate is because his delegate's son happens to live in Alaska and I got to call him so that's how I know him.
[00:30:18]
And anyway he also happens to be the area chairman and I would like to have you please welcome to come up and talk about what we do for an encore, Jacky from Kansas. Hi everyone I'm Jack Edwards and I'm a very grateful alcoholic and I hate it when anybody pulls out a piece of paper you know but they gave us this topic and I called GSO I don't know how many times and I could never get a hold of Vinnie to find out what she wanted us to talk about and so I looked it up in the dictionary.
Encore is once more again and that's as used by an audience and I knew you weren't going to ask me to speak more than once so that couldn't be it. The other one was there was three definitions in the dictionary and one of them was French so I didn't pay any attention to it at all you know I didn't know anything about French and I should have. The other one was the demand for repetition of or by and this is what my program requires me to do. It's a repetition program. I've been told that. I was told that at first and it took a long time for me to soak in what that really was.
Like Bev said I'm very poor about talking on a topic and I use any excuse I can not to talk on a topic. I was thrilled when I walked up and Bev and I were talking before the meeting and she said well you know it means what will we do after we get to where we are and I have to tell just a little bit of my story like Bev did. To explain that you know before I ever took a drink before I ever had that first drink alcohol was doing something for me. It was giving me those same feelings that Bev described you know I was somebody and I was something.
My grandfather and my uncle lived out in the country and they both drank. My grandfather was a periodic drunk and he didn't drink until I was 12 years old from the time I was born and then he went on and when he had his first drink I could really understand that when he said about the first drink when I first came here because I'd seen it with my grandfather so many times. He'd go for a number of years and then that one drink and he was off and running for weeks until he just physically could not go any further.
But my grandfather and my uncle would take me with them and we'd drive about 10 miles into this little town east of Kansas City to the local honky tonk. It was really a fancy place but you know that was one of the most wonderful places in the world. It could have been the palace theater for Jack Edwards because anything I wanted or desired I got there. They were very well thought of customers so if I wanted to play the pinball machine I got to play the pinball machine. If I wanted to coke well I did it. They brought the coke to me and this really made me feel like somebody.
But the thing that really topped it off was when we'd leave I'd walk grandpa and my uncle out to the car and they'd kind of go to sleep. Today I call it passing out or blacking out. But then they went to sleep and here I was a 12 year old and I had to get a pillow and drive that old Ford home. They lived out in this little tiny country community. It was a little store and about 6 or 7 houses with a whole bunch of other kids. Of course I drove the furthest that I could to get there and then I had to drive 2 or 3 times past all these other kids to get in the driveway.
Boy by the time I got in the driveway I was 12 foot tall. In my eyes and theirs I thought. So alcohol had done for me already before I ever drank it what I wanted. To continue that then later on I had to drink.
[00:35:09]
I couldn't keep my own. My grandfather got old and my uncle got old and when they got old they just physically weren't able to drink. And so they quit. And yet after my grandfather had several strokes and was paralyzed and in a bed all the time he'd ask my grandmother for a drink. And that was all I could say was drink. And he could sing Jesus Loves Me. And it got to the point where I couldn't even go to the scene because this was all the man that I loved could do. But when he'd say drink and they'd try to give him water he'd knock the glass out of him. And when he'd say drink and they'd give him orange juice he'd knock the glass out of him.
And I was only one in that room with the nurses and my grandmother and everybody else that knew what drink he meant when he said drink. And I made several promises to myself that I'd never do like he had and drag my kids into those situations. And that I'd never become an alcoholic. And I did all these promises that I made to myself. I broke every one of them just like all of us in this room did. And I got the feeling just like he must have. But you know this did several things for me. I had the impression then that to be an alcoholic that most alcoholics when they were ready for AA were old men that could not drink physically anymore.
And they couldn't run around on Saturday night or do the things that I considered fun when I was drinking. When I finally got to the program I was sent by a judge. And this judge required me to come to AA three times a week. And I came faithfully for four or five months. Now it depends on whether you talk to my wife or myself whether it's four or five months. But then I found that it snowed once and I missed a meeting. And my parole officer didn't say a word. So I decided two meetings a week was fine. And that lasted a week. And the next week I went to one. And she still didn't say anything.
And so I just quit going. I didn't meet those meetings. I had a lot of resentments. When I'd gone to the judges chambers I'd gotten into politics just on a local level due to my ego and my drinking problem. And I'd been invited to the, my wife and I had been invited to the Governor's Inauguration that year. And for Christmas I'd received the DWI or DUI or whatever you want to call it. And unfortunately the date for my, to go to court was the same day as the Governor's Inauguration and you know which I thought was most important. So my wife and I had left. We'd lived out in the country and we'd left and driven to town and stopped at a garage sale and bought my wife a new outfit.
And then we'd gone to a men's store and we bought myself an outfit. And truly being an optimist we went to the judges to get a continuance to go to the Governor's Inauguration. And we got to the Governor, to Judge's office and it wasn't nearly as impressive as this room, you know it was just really a closet. And there was his desk and two chairs in front of it and we got in there and my wife went with me.
And I thought my gosh, you know he started asking 20 questions and before I could say a word she'd answer them. And I knew that I wouldn't get a continuance as soon as she did. But I was going directly to jail just like a monopoly. But instead I went directly to AA. And I was very proud later on I got to really like this judge and thank a lot of him. And he did a lot for our program, a tremendous amount. He was very influential in our area.
And I was proud of the fact that I went back to him and I was very honest and told him that I drank seven days a week and he required me to go to AA three days a week and that just didn't work, you know. That left me four days to drink. And after that I don't know if it had anything to do with it or not but the people I talked to that had been to Wayne's court were required to go five to seven times a week. And they seemed to be making it a little better than I did.
[00:40:07]
And you know last fall, or this winter, Wayne died. And they announced on the news on the way home and I had to pull him to the side of the road, you know, and I was crying. My nephew was killed last fall and I hadn't felt this feeling when he was killed or anything like it. And I wasn't ashamed of it. You know, when I was drinking I couldn't do that. One time I had to pull him to the side of the road because my wife had been locked up in the mud house where I had driven her. And I drove her in both ways. And I was very ashamed of it.
I tried to park in a place where nobody would know what I was sitting there for, you know, and pull over and maybe ask me if things were alright. But it didn't bother me when I pulled over without Wayne. You know, when I finally got to this program, like I say, we were talking about what we thought AA was the other night, Richard and I, and our delegate that got me here without a hotel room to speak.
But I'm not going to say any more about that, Richard. Because our higher power watches out for us. But when I finally got here, the judge sent me in and I used all kinds of resentments that he told me I'd form if I didn't do what he told me. And I didn't do what he told me, so I got the resentments, got drunk. And then when I finally got back, I'd slip in and out. And I'd tell them it was a full moon because I'd attended the bar and that was when I'd get drunk was when it's full moon, you know, and they'd laugh.
But then I finally went to treatment. And while I was in treatment, my first sponsor died. And I'd known that Earl was dying with cancer, and I'd subscribe to the morning and evening paper to see when he died. And that was the first miracle that ever happened in AA for me. Because his obituary never appeared in any paper that I got, and it was in the Kansas City papers, both morning and evening, but not in the ones that I received.
And I never found out about Earl's funeral until I got out of treatment. And if I had, I'm sure that I would have made the program, you know, I'd go into his funeral and gotten drunk. But that left four people in our group there. And two of the people, when I first walked in this group, this small country group, there was four people sitting there, including Earl. Three of them were the old men like my grandfather and my uncle that I knew had to go to AA, you know, and that's what AA was made up of. And the other one was a lot older than me, but he was still able to run around and have a good time on Saturday nights, so I thought maybe there was hope for the two of us.
But these other two older fellows that were left didn't care if the group stayed, and Bud and my sobriety depended on that group. And so we got very active in service. He was GSR, he was made GSR at Earl's funeral. And the first meeting I attended, they made me alternate. And neither one of us knew what we were doing, so we went to all the district meetings and we found out. And a year later, they nominated me for alternate DCM, and I had enough knowledge then that I turned that down.
I didn't have enough sobriety. And I didn't know this is the way elections worked in AA then, but I do now. They told me, no, your group's special, your GSR has a year, and you're the alternate, and you have a year, so that makes two years, and you're qualified. And I found that that's the way most AA elections are. We like to feel like we're different, we're a little more special or something, so if we make them believe that, we can get them elected.
But later, our district, and Leon's, well, my old district, Leon's DCM, he's here today, I'm glad to see him, and Donna's back in the back, she's from Missouri, and Richard's here, there's a bunch of people, gosh, it's great. I'm all over. But anyhow, our district was the best in Western Arizona. But anyhow, our district was the best in Western Area, Missouri. It really was. It really was. And it was growing. And the Western Area was just starting to boom then.
[00:45:00]
We were just starting to do anything. We had an institutions committee and thought we were really growing. And I made the mistake of going to an assembly. And they had an election there. And nobody would, they were trying to elect a secretary. And all these women kept applying. And my sponsor always told me you can't say no. And finally, this fellow I used to consider a friend, like Richard, he nominated me as secretary.
And I didn't say no. And I thought, well, I will get elected. But there was nobody else. I don't know why I thought that. We have a lot of encores. We have a lot of things we do. Besides, I can almost do a 12-step call now. And I've had the occasion even recently. And we had the occasion last night. We had a fellow, all the people that walk up and look at your badge, and mine's on the floor back there, but they look at your badge, and they're like, you know, it's in Missouri or Kansas.
And one fellow walked up and was proud of us. He shook our hand and said, I used to be in the program. 17 years ago, but my wife died. And we talked to him for quite a while, or he talked to us, I'm not sure which. He was eating a sausage, and when you eat a sausage, you have to drink beer. But unfortunately, he's not here today, and we are. But, you know, we have a lot of encores, just doing the things that we're told to do because this is a repetitious program.
You know, I have to get up each morning and say please, and I have to say thank you at night. And as long as I can continue to do this and have these feelings that I have today. When I came here, I had no feelings whatsoever. And I didn't know, the only smart thing that I could do with my kids, they were in FFA, Future Farmers of America. And I would go to their meetings, and they had a lot of social things.
So I'd go to those, and I'd be drinking. Well, there was one fellow there that was really a drunk. You know, everybody knew that he was a drunk. So I'd get by him, and the person on the other side of me said, Yeah, he stinks like hell, doesn't he? And I thought I was covering things up. But the kids would get awards, and other people would stand up and applaud. And until I saw somebody else stand up and applaud, I had to sit there.
I didn't know what to do. I couldn't identify my feelings, and today I can. You know, today I can have those feelings and pull over to the side of the road when it's necessary. And I'll be ashamed of it. And as long as I can recognize those feelings and I've given them by my higher power to them, then I don't have to worry about staying sober or what I want to do for AA because we'll always need people to do things for AA, whether it's empty the ashtrays or be chairman of the West Canary Reserve.
Thank you. Thank you, Jack. Our next speaker is from New York. And, George, I didn't find out anything dirty to tell about you. Would you mind telling it about yourself? Have we got some volunteers here that will do it for me? Oh, okay. I'd like to ask you to please welcome George from New York. Well, as you already know, I'm George from New York. And I must have quite a reputation for what I heard over there, huh?
And I'm glad none of them had a chance to talk. But I guess that's the way it was when I was in my alcoholism, practicing alcoholism. And to me, that was the main performance. And I have to say that because when I got that very nice letter, too, from GSO, as Bev said, I was thrilled and certainly humbled. And then there snuck in a little bit of pride, too,
[00:50:01]
which I know we're not supposed to have. But I felt deserving of it because I thought, my God, what I used to be like. Nobody would ask me to anything, like a pig lasso or anything like that, you know. It's like the drunk that was laying in the gutter with the pig. You've heard that. Nice ladies walked by, Bev and Catherine, you know. And they looked on and they said, my, isn't that terrible? Wouldn't you think you'd get up and move?
And the pig did. So that's why I was humbled and a little bit of pride. And I let it sneak in because I felt perhaps I was deserving of it. But that deserving was a bad thing for me, too, because when I thought of deserving, what did I think of? A drink, naturally. Because I'd worked so hard. I was so responsible. I had done so much and everybody depended so much on me. But what a tremendous sacrifice I'm making.
And so at 1130, I deserve a martini. At 430, I also deserve it. You know, you've got to let down after all that experience and all that responsibility. And you sit down and you say, oh, now I feel better. It was like that at the beginning. But then it used to be I'd say, oh, I feel better. And then a couple hours later, I'd fall off the stool. That's when you're completely relaxed. But again, that little pride and well-being snuck into my thinking when I received that nice letter.
And it was a lovely letter. I shall cherish it and keep it always. But Bev forgot to mention that they also said, your topic is what do you do for an encore. And I thought to myself, I've got to get down there someday and find out who thinks these things up. I'd just like to see them. But then I also remembered that in this Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, nobody tells you what to do. They suggest what you should do if you want to stay sober.
And they suggest what they think is the best for you and the best for the people that you're going to share with. And that's the way I accepted that. And the nice thing about it was that I knew I could talk any way I felt like I should in order to share the way I think I should with you people and you share with me. And that's the way the program is as far as I'm concerned. I'm sharing with you today.
But boy, are you ever sharing with me, I'll tell you. And then I thought again, I want to tell my group about this because, again, I was a little proud. So I went to my group that night, which is the Monday Night Group in Owego, New York, and don't even try to think about it because none of you know where it is. And I explained to them, humbly, what a tremendous thing had happened to me. I thought I'd get a realize out of that one.
And all I can say now, it reminded me of another story. I don't like stories, but these things really explain my feelings better than I can by talking. And it was about the AA member who sobered up, of course, and he had a very wonderful hunting dog, a bird dog, who he found out after he sobered up was a tremendous bird dog. And his friends in AA heard about this tremendous bird dog and they would come up and hunt.
You know, like AAs are inclined to be, if there's something free that they can use, they might want to use it, you know. But also, this fellow was a smart AA and he says, if my dog is that good and these friends of mine want to use him, I think I ought to get a little bit out of it, you know. So he said, sure, you can take my dog hunting, but it's going to cost you $25 a day. So they took the dog out
[00:55:00]
and they got their limit of birds and came back happier than the devil. The next year they came up and it was $50. The next year they came up and they said, we'd like to take the dog and go hunting again. The guy says, okay. I suppose it's $100 this year. Now give me $10. He said, $10? He said, yes. He said, what happened? Well, he said, you know, my dog's name was AA. He said, yes. Well, he said, some of my stupid friends came up here a month ago and they were so happy with the dog and so wonderfully influenced of how he worked and everything that one of those idiots called him Mr. AA and he said all he's done is sit on his ass and bark ever since.
So was I ever reminded? So I'll try not to be Mr. AA today, I assure you. I'll try not to be Mr. AA today, I assure you. I'll try not to be Mr. AA today, I assure you. So I'll try not to be Mr. AA today, I assure you. But as I read this, what do you do for an encore? An encore to me, because I used to be a musician years ago, was after you present the regular performance, everybody really claps and wants to bring you back onto the program, bring you back onto the stage, and then you do your encore, and your encore is supposed to be something that you save for the last, something good.
If you have a very good number, if you have a very good show, or if you have a very good experience, perhaps, in my case, that's the thing that you bring back for your encore. That's the way I looked at the subject when I read it in the letter. So this is what I think I can talk about this morning. I know Count Basie, I can't stop loving you, at the very end it says, one more time, wham, and they're doing that again.
Their encore. So the encore to me has to be a comparison of what it was like. That was my main performance, as far as I'm concerned, because I did it for so many years, and it certainly wasn't the best part of my program. But then my encore is what I'm doing now, which I think certainly is the best part of my life. And now you'll have to bear with me because my story, and I don't like to call it a drunkologue or anything of the sort, my story is my sharing with you.
It's a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope. My experience was what it was like when I was drinking. My strength is what got me into the program. My hope is what I have now. I hope that I can continue what I'm doing this morning. And it's so wonderful, I'm telling you. You can't know the feeling unless you're up here, as we have been. It's just unbelievable. And of course, when I got up this morning, I felt real good.
I had a nice time yesterday. We had a nice bus trip up here. We had a nice dinner. We got registered. Everything seemed to go quite well, except for one little thing which I'm not going to get into. My roommate took care of that, and I'm glad he did, because he's one of these nice, easygoing gentlemen, and I'm sure you realize already that I'm not. But everything was fine this morning when I got up.
And I came down here first to find out where the room was. That's an encore. As I can remember, years ago I was in Albany, and if I had to be at a meeting or speak somewhere, A meeting or speak somewheres, I didn't worry about it, I spent my time at the bar until it was time to go and then I figured somebody would point me at it, and then I would mess it up, but this is what I did this morning, I came down here and I found a room, I went back upstairs and I met my friend, we had a nice little breakfast and some other people joined us, and then I came back down here and
[01:00:18]
walked into the room and almost died, because my delegate who also was I'm sure responsible for my being here, because nobody in GSO knew who I was, I know that, so he had to do it, and I saw these people in there and I said oh boy, but I'm like Deb, I, my stomach was shaking, you know your heart beats, you know that feeling, but when I got up here everything settles down, it's great, it really does, it settles down, so I was making the comparison this morning of my coming down here, looking at the meeting room, coming in and seeing all these friendly faces, and being able to get up here and speak coherently and with a fairly amount of intelligence, compared to what, this is the encore compared to what it used to be like, when I would get up in the morning, I wouldn't get up, I would come to, it's like the cartoon, the guy sitting on the bed with one sock on and one sock off and don't know whether he's getting up or going to bed, but it was light out and my wife was not speaking to me of course and the room spunk, the bed smelled from my sweat overnight and so forth, and I would walk out in the kitchen and see how, immediately I was thinking how the hell am I going to get out of this situation, you know, it was the first thought that came to my mind, I've got to look at her, she never had an orange robe, might have helped, I had to look at her and she looked at me once in a while, usually she had her eyes down like this, you know, she couldn't stand the sight of it, and I would mumble something and say, I've got to get down to the office, I've got to get to the post office, that was my excuse, I had to get to the post office because we had a post office box and I wouldn't trust anybody to pick up that mail except me, might be something important in there, you know, like a summons to appear in court, I wanted to get it before anybody else did, so I wouldn't let anybody pick up the mail, that was my responsibility, but what was my real reason?
There was a bar right around the corner from the post office which opened up at 8 o'clock, and I had to get that mail at 8 o'clock, so I'd get down, I wouldn't get the mail but I'd go into that bar first, and I hope we all have strong stomachs because I'm sorry, this is part of my story, and I would stop in that bar and I would go to the far end of the bar near the restroom, and can you imagine this, the only thing I could drink in the morning like that was Valentine's Ale and that stuff stinks, I smelled bad enough already, you know, by now, but that stuff is worse, and he'd set up a cold bottle of Valentine's Ale and he'd pour it in a glass for me because he knew I couldn't, and I'd sit there for a minute and I'd look at the ale, I'd look at the restroom and I'd, I'd sit there for a minute and I wouldn't make it, I'd make a beeline for that restroom and if you ever had this skunk ale come up on you, it comes up through your mouth, your nose and your ears and your eyes, and it's foaming, you talk about insanity, then I'd go out and sit down again and he'd give me another one, second, third one, okay, it would stay down, then I'd walk to the post office and he'd walk in, oh, I wish everybody else went home, eyes like this, you know, great, isn't it, I'd pick up the mail and I'd go to my office and I'd last until 11.30, so for an encore, what did I do this morning, I got up with my friend, I had a nice continental breakfast, I came down here and look at what I'm doing,
[01:05:02]
if that's not an encore, I don't know what is, it's a beautiful thing, I'm so excited, it's hard to even talk about it, you know, and if you think that isn't a privilege and an honor and a humbling experience, I wish you could all share with me right now, really I do, but that wasn't the first of my encores, I married a very lovely girl, I had two very lovely daughters, and how they grew up I had was the slightest idea, because all I was interested in was my own life, my own experiences, my own enjoyment, my own drinking, I was a selfish person.
Now don't misunderstand me, I was fortunate enough that I had positions enough and I was capable enough to supply my wife and children with a livelihood, they had a house, a roof over their head, food and clothing, but that was all they had, they had no father, they had no love, they had no sharing which a father should give to his children, my wife brought the children up in spite of me, not with me, and not because of me, but in spite of me, but I thought I was doing alright, you know, I was one of those typical alcoholics that said what the hell has she got to complain about, she's got a house, and she's spending too damn much money, you know that, because it's cutting down on my drink, and I had to get another job so I could drink, look at this, what I'm sacrificing, I'm working at this position, and I've already got this position, and I'm working these two jobs just so I have enough to drink, but that wasn't what I said, I'm working these two jobs to keep this family going, what does she expect of me, does that sound familiar to any of you?
And that's the way it was, I never considered them at all, I only considered myself, now I tried to compare that for my encore, and the only way I could think of to compare it was I was in Elmira here a month or so ago, with my youngest daughter, who is married and doing very well with a nice husband, and has four children, I have four grandchildren, and the oldest one is nine years old, and she was receiving her first communion, and I went to it, and it was a beautiful thing, and I sat there, and when my granddaughter received her first communion, my wife looked at me and there were tears coming down my face, and she shook her head and put her arm around me, and said yes it's very nice father, I said yes it is, but I didn't tell her the real reason, but I can tell you the real reason, because you're alcoholics like I am and you'll understand it, I was crying because I did not remember my two daughters receiving their first communion and I was there, to me that was the first time that I ever broke down really, so that was my encore, and I think I did a very beautiful job of it by sitting there and letting the tears roll down my cheek, beyond that I guess the other comparison I'd have to make, and I have to be careful because these friends of mine that I heard you heard a few minutes ago, one of them is a past delegate, and he was in the program when I came in, and he was one of my self-appointed sponsors of which I had five, so he couldn't imagine what condition I was in, he wouldn't let me do it, he wouldn't let me go to the bathroom without one of them,
[01:10:03]
anyway he came up to me and he said George I'm glad to see you, but remember if you speak longer than you should I'm going to get up and walk out, so I got to watch out that he doesn't get up and walk out, I'm not going to let him do it, I'm going to quit before, but anyway I guess the other comparison I would have to make would be when I got my second DWI, I figured I had to do something, I didn't have to quit drinking, but I had to do something because now I'm in serious trouble for the second time, of course I got out of the first one, I always could get out of everything, that was no problem, I got out of the first one, but now I got a second one and it shook me up a little bit, so I said maybe I should do something, maybe I should get somewhere where they can't find me, not quit drinking, but I got to get out of the way, I got to hide, I got to do something, everybody is after me now, I don't know what they're going to do to me, but what's going to happen, what's everybody going to think, so in my alcoholic haze, my alcoholic mind, I said the thing to do would be go to a hospital, because believe it or not my wife never said George you're a drunk, she never said George you drink too much, and my wife knows absolutely nothing about alcoholism, doesn't until today, and very little about AA, only she knows that I go and she lets me go now, she said you're sick, isn't that amazing, she'd look at me and she'd say you're sick, of course I was, I had the disease of alcoholism, so that kind of stuck in my mind, I said well I must be sick, so I said I guess I'll go to a hospital, and I'm a veteran, I saved the world for democracy, I was drunk for 4 years, I even stole a whole truckload of beer over in the Philippines, I did, I managed to steal a whole truckload, a 6×6 truckload, anybody over in the service know what a 6×6, I stole a whole truckload, so in my befuddled mind I heard about a friend of mine that went to a place in Canandaigua, a VA hospital in Canandaigua, I went up there, and on the way up I'm driving along Seneca Lake, which is a beautiful lake in New York State, and there's a nice road that goes right alongside of it, and then it popped into my mind, gee, I'm not worth anything, nobody loves me, they don't need me, my wife's doing alright, what am I here for, I wonder if my insurance is paid up, so I smashed my car up, but I'd gotten another one somewhere, I'm not too sure where I got it, but I know I'm driving some kind of a panel truck along the road there next to the lake, and I said I know what I'll do, I'll tow this thing and I'll go over the bank and zoom right down in the lake, and I thought about it for a minute and I said that thing must be awful cold, could I swarm in it, and I said I might hurt myself going down that bank, so I disregarded the suicide, because how can you do it without hurting yourself, and I drove on to this hospital and I walked in, I can remember this very vividly, I had sobered up enough so I can remember this very vividly, I walked in and there was a nurse there and a couple of guys in white coats, and that should have indicated something to me, but it didn't, and I said I think I've got a problem, I drink too much.
I think I've got a problem, I drink too much. Oh, this guy says, good, he says, you're finally admitting it.
[01:15:03]
So anyway, they put me in a room and it was all padded, it had bars and screens, and then the stairway was screened there. I couldn't even walk in the stairway, I couldn't even jump over the railing, I couldn't do nothing. About two or three days later, excuse me, when the fog cleared, I wasn't in a hospital, I was in a nut house with the nuts and balls, which was probably where I belonged. And this guy was a great big, oh, he was bigger than I am, and I'm not too small.
And everywhere I went, he was following me around. I said, what the hell are you, what are you following me around for? He said, when you came in here, you told us you were going to commit suicide. He said, you can do it outside, but you're not going to do it in here. So, I finally realized that this wasn't the place for me. George, you don't belong here, you know. But they kept me for seven weeks anyway, just to be sure I didn't belong there.
And I used to tell my story, and I'd say, I was a great con artist, which I think most alcoholics are. And I said, all these head shrinkers, psychologists, psychiatrists, and so forth, are sitting in the circle I am in the middle, and they're talking to me, and I'm telling them exactly what they want to hear. But I'm not telling them the truth. I'm telling them what they want to hear. So, they finally discharged me, and I came back.
But they said, perhaps if you don't drink for a year, you might be alright. And of course, that's what I wanted to hear, because that was my cure. But later, I realized that had I told them the truth that day, perhaps I could have been helped. But I wasn't. I came back and didn't drink for a year. And the disease progressed all that time I didn't drink. Because at the end of the year, I decided to drink again, of course.
Because I said, I can handle it now. And I've got to tell this part of my story, because even my friends seem to get a good kick out of it. The first day, I only had one martini. The second day, I only had one martini. And I had a good kick out of it. The second day, I only had one martini. And it was either the second or the third day. I don't remember which. I was at the bar, and I had one martini, and a couple friends come in.
They said, George, have another drink. And I said, no, thank you. What had I learned, huh? They asked me the second time, George, have another drink. I said, no. The bartender, whom I thought was a friend of mine, said, George, why don't you have a half a martini. I said, okay. Did you ever have a half a martini? But see, that was the only thing I was looking for, that excuse. So I had the other martini, and of course I didn't remember going home that night, and it was three years that way.
Until I finally hit my bottom, and I asked for help for the first time in my life. And I asked AA. Guided, I guess, by my higher power. I have to give something greater than myself, because I was unable to do it for so many years. So what's the comparison with that? It's like my friend Ed says, I try to do what I can for the recovering alcoholic by sharing my experience, strength, and hope. This is what I do.
This is why not only was I humbled and gratified and a little bit proud to be asked to come to the 50th anniversary of Alcoholics Anonymous and be on a panel. Can you imagine that? And this is why there was no hesitation as I was concerned. I said, my God, certainly I will. If they feel that I have a story that I can share, I certainly am going to do it. And this is why I'm up here doing it. If I'm asked to make the coffee, if I'm asked to be a speaker, if I'm asked to chair a meeting, I will do it.
Sometimes perhaps with things I don't want to do or I'm not too
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excited about doing them. Let's put it that way. But I do it. And that's why I'm here. And I even am a volunteer for a rehab center and things like that. Anything that I can do. I go to public information meetings and I speak. I do anything that I feel that I can try to pay back what a wonderful thing this program has done for me. And before my friend gets up and walks out, I want to thank you again for allowing me to share and for you to share with me.
And the only thing I say no to now is somebody that says, George, would you like to go to the bar and play cards this afternoon? And I say no. George, would you like to join us at a clam bake? We're going to have a lot of free beer and booze. I say no. George, would you like to go to a football game with us this afternoon? I say no. Because these are all of the things that I used to do associated with alcohol and I loved to do them.
Now I say no. Those things necessary for me to do, I can do now because I have the strength of the program to rely on, to lean back on. But the only time I do not say no is when Alcoholics Anonymous asks me or suggests to me, as that very lovely letter did, asks or suggests that I do something for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and to share my experience, strength and hope with you. Thank you.
Thank you very much, George. I don't know if the rest of you are having the same problem I'm having but there's about 14 things I want to attend in the next hour and so I will close this real quickly with in Alaska we always close each meeting with the Lord's Prayer, we stand and hold hands. I would like to do that here if you would please join me.