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Source: 1985 Montreal International Convention – Multi Speakers – OLDTIMERS IN AA Oldtimers in AA – RS 06320.mp3 File: 1985-montreal-international-convention-multi-speakers-oldtimers-in-aa-oldtimers-in-aa-rs-06320.mp3 Duration: 01:29:12
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In my group, leaders lead and speakers speak, so I'm not going to take any of your time with my story except to tell you that I do belong here. I drank too often, too much, too long, until I was finally given the grace to make the right choice, and the right choice was you, and since then my life, like your lives, like all of our lives, has been completely turned around. I'm truly grateful and feel very privileged to be able to introduce the speakers on this old-timers in AA program this afternoon, and I'm simply going to call on them and ask them to come up and tell their stories, share their experience, strength, and hope with all of us.
Our first speaker is a lady from California. I understand she was one of the very early members in AA in that great AA state, Dottie I'm an alcoholic, and my name is Dottie Shore, and I'm from North Hollywood, California. I can't believe this, I really can't. It's like making the palace, if you know what I mean. I wish you'd say long-timers instead of old-timers. But I'm just grateful to be alive, any time I have is borrowed time.
I pursued alcoholism to the gates of insanity and death. I was insane when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I was in blackouts and hallucinations. I weighed 82 pounds, I was suffering from malnutrition, my lips were split and bleeding at the corners, I couldn't drive, I was unemployable, and I was totally crazy. And when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous the very first night, you gave me there what you gave me today, and that's agape love, unconditional.
I'm not who I am or where I've been, not what I should be, but you said if you're an alcoholic you're in the right place. And you put your warmest arms around me that night, and you welcomed me, just as I was. And I thank you for that. And I thank you for all you people who are at this convention, because I don't know any of you, but I know you. I know you, I know you. I came into Alcoholics Anonymous on February the 8th, 1950, that was 35 years ago, and I was only 8 years old when they got me in here.
And I tried to identify with drinking patterns, and I couldn't. I kept thinking, I'm not like you people, I didn't drink that much that long, I didn't do those things. I was crazy, but I wasn't an alcoholic. I think all alcoholics are crazy, and I love you for it. So anyhow, what I did, because back in 1950, it was like a men's tag group, and there was very few women, and they were tired of hearing the man talk, and they found out I had this gift of gab.
Now, you didn't know that if I hadn't told you, but they put me on the circuit when I was 49 days dry. And I spoke all over the state of California, and I was 82 pounds, my weight came back on, and my family quieted down. People started telling me how wonderful I was, and I began to agree with them. And I just thought you were the luckiest people in the world to have me for a member. And they kept telling me I didn't look old enough to be an alcoholic, and I loved that.
And so I stayed dry, and I became the circuit speaker, and I had babies stacked up like cordwood behind me. And I waited for that first year, and oh, my God, I rehearsed my acceptance speech for six months. Loved ones, ego will get you drunk faster than the next drink. Ego is edging God out, E-G-O. And I got drunk on ego. I had my first year, and I got more pins than I ever got on any needle birthday, and I got the pats on the back, and I got the adoration.
And I hadn't taken an inventory, because that's for you ding-a-lings, you understand that? So all I did was just memorize, teach, preach, read, recite, do everything, but work them.
[00:05:05]
And so it was just a matter of time until my foundation, which was so rocky, my foundation was on sand, and it just, it was just no good. On June 11th, 1951, I was to take it up that morning and take three drinks, the first one I remember. And when the whiskey burned my throat, if someone had slapped me in the face and waked me out of a dream, it couldn't have been more violent. And I thought, my God, what did I do?
There goes 16 months of sobriety shot to hell, and I waited for something to happen, and nothing happened. And I waited. And see, I wanted this thing, oh, please, loved ones, relieve me. It was the finest thing that's ever happened to me, and I had blown it. I stood there terrorized, nothing happened, and my next thought was, I knew all along it wasn't like those drunks over at North Hollywood. And I went out in the kitchen to have my second drink.
What I tell you now was told to me by my husband, my sponsor. He was an outside salesman. There was no Ellen on in those days. But he knew I was upset, and so he decided to knock off the territory and come home, thank God. He heard me screaming a half a block before I got to the house. When he came in, I was on the front room floor, kicking and beating my heels till I almost broke the bones in my feet.
I dry-heathed, I broke a blood vessel into my esophagus, and I'm vomiting blood. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding.
I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. I went to the emergency hospital one time and they told me to get the dirty drunk out of their waiting room. But he knew I was dying and he ran from our house two blocks to the medical center. And there were seven doors along a sidewalk and he came to the first one available. And he crashed past the hole office full of people. And the receptionist was busy and he went past her, into the doc examining room, grabbed the doctor and said, my wife's been sober sixteen months, she's drinking and she's dying, for God's sake come.
And the first of many miracles which was set forth for me. Because he didn't say get the rescue squad, my God, another drunk, do you have hospitalization? Who recommended you? Fill out this report. He just knew that my husband was telling the truth and so he picked up his black bag and ran the two blocks back to my home with my husband. And do you know why? He was an alcoholic. Thank God. Thank God.
He was the only one in the building that would have come and when he got to my house he put the stethoscope on my chest and he turned to my husband and said, I'm sorry, we're too late. All vital signs are gone. No heartbeat, no pulse, no respiration. So on June 11th, 1951, Dottie Shore died of a killer terminal fatal stinking rotten cunning baffling powerful disease called alcoholism. And the only reason I'm before you today, loved ones, is by the grace of God.
And I mean truly. The grace of God is a free, unearned, unmerited, unwarranted gift. And I didn't earn it. I was on the floor bleeding to death when I got it. When I came back to alcoholism, the only reason I started breathing is he gave me a shot directly in the chest cavity. Gave me artificial resuscitation and truly by the grace of God I started breathing. The sum total I had that morning was three straight shots of whiskey.
Here's how much you drink, how long you drink, what brand, with whom, how old you are, whether you're married or divorced, eat or don't eat, you know all the things we do. No, dear ones, can you guarantee what's going to happen when you take your next drink? And see, I can. For me to drink is to die, thank God. And when I got back to AA I had to become willing as only the dying can to find out what's wrong.
And I'll tell you something, you can feed your body and we've eaten a lot of food and drank a lot of coffee since we've been here, haven't we? And you wouldn't think of neglecting that because if you didn't, your body would die. And you must keep your mind going or it'll have to feed. But I let my spiritual soul die. And I was tilted. See, we're not a body walking around. If you get dry, that's not going to help.
That's important. Oh, don't mistake me. You go back to school and you get your Ph.D. and your M.A. and you brag about how much money you're making and it ain't going to do it either. And you can become so spiritually minded you're no earthly good and that ain't going to do it either. But become so spiritually minded you are some earthly good because that's the answer. No human power can relieve alcoholism, but God can and will have sought.
I celebrated 34 years on the 11th of June, just last month, by the grace of God.
[00:10:10]
I've had a lot of things happen in my life since I've been sober, good things and bad things. I have a daughter that's an alcoholic addict, sober on the program. I have a grandson that's an alcoholic addict on the program. I have two sisters that died drunk, never had a day back-to-back sobriety, divorced after 33 years of marriage. Wonderful joys. I've been privileged to speak almost all over the United States now, and now I'm international.
And I'd like to share one thing with you because my story was my story. I'm younger-looking today than I was three or four years ago. My spirit is young. I found a God of my understanding, and I came here to get sober, and you gave me my God. And you gave me back Jesus. And I happen to be a Christian, and I go back to the church of my choice and I read the Bible. I asked God to reveal himself to me as he really was.
And I prayed that prayer for a week, and you know what he finally said to me? I'm not a Catholic. And I was so glad to hear that. But he went on to say he's not a Baptist nor a Methodist. God is not religious. Aren't you glad? Twenty-five years ago I was privileged, oh, my God, so privileged to sit alongside of Bill Wilson at a lunch in Long Beach at our twenty-fifth anniversary. And I'm not usually at loss for words, you've got to believe me, but I was almost speechless.
I wanted to just kind of touch him, and yet he needed adoration I think more than anybody I've ever known. And I looked up at him and I said, How does a person thank you for their life? And in a slow draw he looked at me and he said, Don't ever do that. Never thank a human being. God takes the credit for all this. And I thank God that he told me that. I thank God that he chose Bill and Bob, these two modern-day prophets, surely to God as he chose people through all generations to whisper a message to, he chose Bill and Bob.
And really way back there he chose Ebby. And I was privileged to meet Ebby. I was privileged to meet Sister St. Ignatius and our beautiful Lois and Bob and Dr. Shoemaker and all those people, most of them are gone now, and they signed my 25th anniversary book. And I feel very privileged to have been in AA at that time. Young people say to me, My God, you've been sober longer than I've been born, and I'll say, Aren't you glad I stayed around long enough to have something when you got here?
I think growing spiritually has been the answer for me. I have never been able to do things right, because I didn't know what right was. I don't even have to know now what's right and wrong. I have to know how I feel comfortable. And when I'm comfortable here at the center of my being, I'm in God's will. If I'm not comfortable there, I know I'm two feet ahead of him. And so I pull back, and I have two enemies, the only enemies I have in the world.
One is alcohol and the other is my free will. The only thing that's ever destroyed me, which is my mother and my husband and my kids and the weather and money and all that kind of stuff, is alcohol. And by the grace of God, I put that aside with his help. And my will, daily, daily, Dr. Thiebaud said we must have ego deflation at depth. And unless we put our ego where we're supposed to have it, which is down on the bottom, and know that by ourselves we are nothing, but that we can do all things through God in this AIM program.
And, dear ones, don't take credit for your sobriety. I did, and I lost it. Don't take credit for your babies. I did, and I lost it. Don't take credit for the fact that you're asked to speak. I did, and I lost it. And above all, I almost lost my life. And I think what I would have missed in these past 34 years if it hadn't been for his divine grace. And I think that if I should have to go in this next year, that the highlight of my life will be because you asked me to be here today.
Thank you for my life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Dottie.
[00:15:15]
Our next speaker is a man I've known for some 24 hours now. We've been friends in AA for quite a while, we've worked together, this is one of the blessings that come to us when we manage to put together a few 24 hours, at least for this drunk, that's the way it is. I feel very privileged and I'm very happy to introduce to you an AA member from the other side of our continent, Connecticut, Bob M. My name is Bob and I'm an alcoholic, hi, I don't know any other organization that applauds when you're introduced and applauds when you sit down, I understand one of them but not the other, well I am an alcoholic and I say that more than as a identification but as a reminder to me that I have an illness, self-imposed, one of two that you buy, and fortunately this one, while there is no cure, it can be arrested by the simple process of not picking up the first drink one day at a time.
I was born in 1905, it'll take me a while to get up to the present, just preparing you, and you've probably already discovered that I have two speeds, slow and stop, but I had a good life, a good family, mother and father, good schooling, I was an honor student, I peddled sad evening posts through high school, country gentlemen, ladies home journals, and I made more money then than I did when I got my first job after I graduated from high school.
Which was in an insurance company, what else do you do in Hartford, Connecticut? I started at $60 a month, paid once a month, in 1923, yes. I was a track man, had possibilities and a scholarship, and something of an athlete, never smoked, never drank, and a couple of years later some things changed my life, my father had, had we been wealthy he would have had a nervous breakdown, but he broke up and never worked again, so I inherited two parents, and it changed my plans a little, and then I met a girl, the first girl I'd ever really gone out with, I was busy being an athlete, and met her in 1925. Well I'm slow, it took me until 33 to ask her to marry me, because I was brought up, you didn't ask a girl to marry you unless you could support her, and I couldn't support two families, but she suggested that we waited much longer, we might as well forget it.
Somewhere along the line I met some people who introduced me to a speakeasy, a very fine one, and I liked the taste of booze, I liked what it did to me, and I liked what it did for me, and I liked the taste of it, and in retrospect it wasn't long before I became a daily drinker, never drinking to get plastered, but just to feel normal, to eat breakfast in the morning, after start, to stay at work, and to sleep at night, and for 20 years I did pretty well in my job, and then I got a little angry at the insurance companies, they refused to allow a part holiday
[00:20:06]
for Lincoln's birthday, and I'm very fond of Mr. Lincoln, seriously I am, and so I went out and had a lunch, a little something to drink, and at three in the afternoon I sent him a telegram which said this is Mr. Lincoln's birthday, I'm very fond of him, you did not observe the holiday in honor of him, he freed the slaves, and I'm resigning. I went home and waited, and the bastards accepted it, but drinking was getting quite serious, I was found a job, or was given one in a war factory, and I couldn't lose that because I couldn't get drafted, and I didn't die, but it got worse and worse, and 45 I went to see a doctor, told him I was in trouble with booze, that I tried to stop and couldn't, I know I was losing control, it was messing up my life, and asked him what he could do, and he looked at me, and he said I can't do anything, it's up to you, and I said well I've tried, and when I don't have it, I fall apart, and he can you give me something, and he said no, I won't give you anything, when you've had enough stop, and I left and thanked him, and I shouldn't have expected any more from him really, because he was my wife's brother, and we never paid him, but a day or so later I got a call from a man who said he was a member of AA, and my brother-in-law suggested I might need their help, and was I interested, I was both interested and indignant, because I felt that the other family had had a meeting and made a decision about me without my being there, but I did go to some meetings and met some people, men, they gave me the book, I read it twice, the chapter I thought was not in there, I asked for another copy, and it wasn't in that one either, and I didn't particularly like any of them, I wasn't really going sober, I was better, but and they never said anything about that, they just said well if you want to get sober, we're meeting every week, I decided to prove that I could do it alone, set out to try to do it, it took two years to prove that it couldn't, I read that statement that it's the first drink that gets you in trouble, and I thought that was the most ridiculous statement I ever read, because how could you get drunk if you didn't have the first one, and one morning I was in bad shape and lying on the floor, because the bed was too high, and my wife approached me and said, you're pretty sick, I can see your pulse in your temple, and you're beet red, I don't know what to do, I'll do something I've never done before, I'll bring you a drink, and she brought a cheese glass of whiskey, yeah, and I looked up and I said, where's the jug, and she said, I said I'd give you one drink, and here it is, and I rose up from my bed of pain and said, what the hell good is one drink, and she said, maybe that's what they're talking about, you wouldn't, so it came in the back door, I got it, and in 47 I made an honest call for the first time, and someone believed me, came to see me, told me a little about himself, he said I had choices, and only I could make them, because I wanted to, and that there'd be a meeting the next Thursday night, and he'd be there, and he hoped I would be, but if I wasn't, that was my choice too. When it came time, I wanted to go, but we were broke, I was jittery, and so I asked
[00:25:04]
Eleanor to go to the meeting with me, as I was afraid to be on the street alone, and she did, and she's been walking to meetings with me ever since. That guy was there, some other people, I don't remember much of the words for two months, but I came away with a feeling of being with people who understood, who offered friendship, who told me I was welcome. No one had said that for a long time, not even family, and they gave me a kind of love I had never experienced before, and perhaps best of all, they were an example. They were sober, and I was sober, and I have been sober ever since.
It was much good fortune. Of course, I was impatient. I finally got a job after Eleanor reminded me that there was a little difference between me and most of the other men, and I couldn't understand, and she said most of them seemed to work. She said, what do you think of the people? And I said, they're a great bunch. She said, aren't they the same ones? And I said, but they've all changed. Well, things went along pretty good. Of course, I had a lot of meetings with my wife, and say, when is it going to get better, and she would point out little things like the sheriff hadn't been there, and I missed him. He was a nice little guy, but we're still in debt. Finally, I asked some AA how long it took, and he looked at me and said, how long did it take you to get in the mess? And I said, 15 years, and he said, what do you expect? So I asked another man, of course, and he said, seven years, and he was near a right, and good things happened. I became part of Connecticut's first assembly to elect the first delegate. I got active in service and have been for a long time. Many good things happened, many friendships. I finally found a good job, a solid foundation. I went to work for a ready mix outfit, and became their office manager. And one day I called up an old friend and said, you know, they're taking advantage of me. They're not paying what they promised. They're making me work till 7.30, 8 o'clock at night. And he said, yeah, I understand, Bob. He said, you know, Italians are funny sometimes. They don't hire you, they buy you. And I said, yeah, and he hung up, and he called back, and he said, well, just thought I'd say to you, Bob, you and I remember when you didn't have it so good, don't we? And he hung up again, and I thought, what the hell kind of a friend is this? He was an AA that you either loved or hated, you know, and I loved him. He called back, and he said, you didn't like what I said, and I said, no, not really. And he said, well, I wouldn't have said it if I didn't love you, and he hung up again. And those are the kind of good friends that made a difference in my life. I became acquainted with Wes Irvine, who was the manager at High Watch. We got acquainted on a mutual resentment. We both, we both disliked the second delegate from Connecticut. And through that, I got active on the board at High Watch. Through that, I met Bob Hitchens, who came on to help out in a problem. I was treasurer of High Watch and president of the board, the oldest drunk farm in Connecticut. And then eventually, in 59 or 60, I was asked to be a delegate from Connecticut, and I was elected unanimously. My name was pulled out of a hat. That opened up a lot of things. Connecticut had not been too well joined together, and I decided to try to do that. We started to have yearly get-togethers with a lot of help from General Service, Hazel Rice, Ann McFarland.
Vice, Ann McFarlane, Liv Symington, and Eve Marsh, and bit by bit it grew into a yearly
[00:30:06]
thing. I was about ready to retire and I got a call from Bob Hitchin saying that there was a vacancy on the AAWS board and would I be willing to become a director, and it came at a good time. I'm supposed to be good with figures, all kinds, I'm basically a leg man in that department. So I became treasurer of AAWS and that was more or less a title. Occasionally they let me sign a check, but and then I was in the right spot at the right time in the structure of these AAWS and the general service trustee board. There are always two AAWS directors on the trustee board, one rotated off, so I became a trustee and I had seven wonderful years working with wonderful people all over. I was on the committee for cooperation with the professional community, that's the right name now isn't it? Yes, it was something else in the beginning, the drunk said they didn't like it. They don't like the word professional.
And it was interesting, eventually became chairman of that and met a lot of people all over. It's been a great life, a beautiful life, full of friends. One of the things I learned early from trying to find my sense of a spiritual faith was from a man that I liked, loved, drunk, sober. We talked well into the night and he said, Bob, if you can keep an open mind and have a little faith, you will find something, something rather nice interfering in your life and much too often to be a coincidence. And it's kind of good if you say thanks.
And actually, if I firmly believe that the 12 suggested steps are not where you learn to get sober, but how you learn to live sober and live a life again. You don't learn them by heart, you put them, I put them into my life for the rest of my life. The one that kind of brings me up short is the third one, because I turn my life and my will over to the care of God as I understand him. And not just for one moment, but for the rest of my life. And it works. It works. We got lost in Montreal and stopped on a corner and someone took us where we were going. So if you have faith, good things work. Thank you very much.
It's great to be with you. Thank you, Bob. It was wonderful. Our next speaker is a new friend, a very new friend. I just met him at the beginning of the meeting. I'd like to introduce to you now, John F. from Georgia. I am John and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, everybody. Sober. Another day, by the grace of God, working through the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. For this I'm very grateful. For this fifth year anniversary of AA.
And when you're talking about gratitude, I feel grateful. There's no way that I could have gotten from there to here only by God's saving grace.
[00:35:02]
And I thank him for letting me drink hard enough, and long enough. And when I got to you people, I had enough. Let's give him the praise, please. I had my first drink of moonshine at the age of 16. And it took 25 years of hard drinking to get to this fellowship. It wasn't easy. I lived a life and I had to pay the price. And they were very painful experiences, not so much for what I suffered, but what I did to others.
These are my regrets more than anything else. I met and married my childhood sweetheart in school. And of this marriage, there were four wonderful children. And I loved my wife. I loved my children. But being a victim of the disease of alcoholism, and not knowing that I was as sick as I was in the area that I was. And if there ever was anybody, a person, a person that I would have stayed sober for, if I could have, it would have been my family. I was a very sick person when I got here.
And in 17 years of this marriage, she couldn't take any more. She had to go. She and the children. In 1941, my younger brother told me about Alcoholics Anonymous. He showed me the big book. He said, John, this program can help you. And I saw that word alcoholic on there. I said, that's for a bunch of drunks. That's not for me. I don't need that. And of course, it didn't take very long. Just 11 years later, in 1952, and I woke up to the realization of what was happening to me.
I'd heard about AA, yes, but I didn't need it. I was a pretty good cook during my practicing days, but I wasn't a very dependable one. And I had to take a geographical tour for many years, and up in my, looking for work, because I couldn't get work in Atlanta. I'd gone through all of the leading hotels there. And I ventured up in Connecticut, Stamford, Connecticut. And of course, I went through the routine there, a good cook, but not dependable.
And on up into New Haven, Connecticut, I went to my first AA meeting at the Whitten Avenue Group in West Haven in 1951. I wasn't an alcoholic, and I didn't admit everyone. I was one. And then I went through the door on my first meeting, and people were extending their hands, says, John, my name is so-and-so, and I'm an alcoholic. The only thing that I said my name was John. I didn't say I was an alcoholic because I didn't believe I was one. And of course, I went to two or three meetings. I had some literature with the 12 steps on them. I read one night, I says, I've done all of those, so I don't need that program. And of course, you know what happened, the job, I had to go. I took a drink, a half pint of gin in January of 1952.
I took some little tablets, they're called baby breath, and I drank them behind that gin, and these people that I worked for, they're not going to smell it on me, and this proves that I'm not an alcoholic. No, I didn't get drunk over that half pint. And of course, you know what happened. A week later, I was gone. I had to go back south. I went to work at a hotel, an application for a job at one of the, it was an old wine called Host Hotel. It was a historical site in Atlanta. It had burned down, and this new hotel had been rebuilt. And of course, there was a cook, chef cook there from Virginia. He was new in the Atlanta area, and I saw this ad for a job, and I applied for it.
And of course, being the liar that I was as a practicing alcoholic, I picked up a lot of
[00:40:02]
qualities doing my practicing. I was a liar and a cheat and a thief, sexually maladjusted, sick in mind. I went the whole route. And of course, this chef cook that listened to me and applied for the job, being the liar that I was, I was the man that he wanted or needed. And of course, another thing, it was dangerous for me to have paydays. I couldn't stand paydays, you know. And so about three or four days later, he said, John, if I had listened to what some of the people said, I'd have missed out on a good cook. I understood what he was talking about, because there were people working there that had worked with me at other places. And of course, when he made this statement, the only answer I could give him was, mm-hmm. Of course, when payday came around, he found out what was happening. I was gone for two or three days.
And naturally, the liar that I was, when I got back, and that old flu liar, you know, sick with a cold. But he was an understanding person to a degree. He didn't understand the disease of alcoholism. Why was it that I couldn't take one or two drinks and stop? Like he says, I go home every night. I have me a couple of drinks, read the paper, and go on upstairs and go to bed. Well, he didn't know about the disease of alcoholism.
And of course, the liar that I was, I called him in to give me another break, and he did. And that lasted for two weeks. We were paying off on every two weeks. I started on my last drunk on the 20th of February, 1952. And it lasted until the 23rd of February, 1952. I had heard about AAES, and there was a little, uh, an announcement on the radio there's been an an announcement on the radio there's been an AA group being started in the community where I live.
And of course, I had been on this drunk, this last drunk, for three days. And, uh, I'd been away from home, and I got back that Saturday morning. And my wife wondered where I'd been, and I couldn't tell her, because I didn't remember. But, uh, I needed a haircut, and she gave me the buck, said, go up to the barbershop and get you a haircut. And called the chef, he might give you your job back. It's okay. I wasn't so much concerned about getting a haircut as I was getting another drink. I took that buck and went to the corner and got me a half a pint of moonshine.
And while I was drinking out of this half a pint, I took a good look at me. My life at that, on that day, it was a complete and total failure. I had destroyed the love and respect of a wife and four children that I loved dearly. I had drunken up many good job opportunities. And while drinking out of this last half, it was in a little tavern not far from where I lived, and drinking with an old buddy of mine. And he said, John, says, I'm having a little problem with the bottle too, says, I about drink up all my bootleg business.
And I told him that I had heard about Alcoholics Anonymous, and there's a little group being started not far from where we were drinking. And doing some soul-searching at that time, my life was a complete and total failure. And there's only one thing that was my problem, and that was the bottle. My problem, and my bottle was a problem. I am my biggest problem today, if I allow myself to get in the way. But anyway, I told him, I said, there's a little group being started just around the corner from where we were drinking. I said, I'd heard about Alcoholics Anonymous, and it's the same thing that I was exposed to in Connecticut. I'm going to latch on to it. And I feel that I prayed the most sincere prayer, and it was a four-letter word, a four-word prayer, God, please help me. And then something happened. It wasn't flashing a lightening or a roar of thunder. It was something happened inside, a feeling.
And I made a decision on that. And I made a decision on that day, I'd rather be sober more than anything else in the world.
[00:45:02]
And something did happen. I needed a job, but I was more concerned about staying sober than I was looking for a job. And I started looking for one about two weeks later. And I went to the employment agency. And this fellow there, he said, John, I don't have any cooks jobs. He needed a porter down at CNS National Bank. I said, it doesn't make any difference what kind of a job. I needed a job. He gave me a little slip of paper, and I went down to the CNS National Bank.
And the personnel man in there, I feel like this application, and it has these questions on there about your drinking habits. And I left it blank for a reason, because I had filled out one similar some years ago at the Southern Railroad. And I lied on that application, and actually I got the job at the Southern Railroad, and it didn't take long for them to find out that I wasn't fit to work for the Southern Railroad.
I was a good cook, but. And so on this application that I filled out for the CNS Bank, I left it blank for a reason. And the personnel man says, why didn't you complete the application? I said, I couldn't put on paper with pen or pencil that I could tell you in person. He says, well, don't talk about it. The first thing that I told him that I was an alcoholic, and I hadn't had a drink in a couple of weeks.
And how I was trying to stay sober. And how I was trying to stay sober. Through the program of AA, not for the purpose of getting the job, to only let him know how I was trying to stay sober. You see, I feel and I believe that I did that first step 100% on the day that I asked God to please help me, because I admitted that I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable. And as I understand it, relating to those 12 steps, the first step, the journey of a thousand miles started with the first step.
And I did that first step. I got honest with me, the spiritual principle of the first step is it relates to being honest. I got honest with me and I began to get honest with another person. And this man was a complete and total stranger, he'd never seen me before. And in spite of my dark past, this man gave me a break. He said, John, if you don't show up on the job, as a result of your drinking, you don't have a job.
And I understood that. You see, God does work in mysterious ways. This man was an instrument of God that intervened into my life going in a new direction. And after 21 and a half years of good service with this bank, I retired with a good record. And I do know God works in mysterious ways. I went to my first international conference down in Miami in 1970. And it's an experience that I cannot describe to you other than through feelings.
To have the privilege and chance to see the man that was one of the instruments, Bill Dubya, when he made his last public appearance in Miami in 1970. There was a room there of 14,000 people. And the feeling of a serenity and peace that expressed itself in that room, I can't find the words to describe it. But in that room, I can't find the words to explain other than a feeling. And there's an identity that we all have something in common there for the same purpose of staying sober in the care of the message.
I've been to four conferences. This is the fourth conference, international conference, that I've been to since being sober. You see, God, as I said, does work in mysterious ways, and he does perform wonders. A friend of mine, about three months ago, said, Johnny, you're going to Montreal. I said, I'd love to, but I can't say for sure. But I'd love to go. He didn't say anything else about Montreal until about three or four weeks later.
He says, you're going to Montreal. It was another instrument that was planted in my life. And it was through these two people that I have the privilege of being here. And you talk about gratitude. I can't find the words to really express my feelings.
[00:50:03]
My feelings of gratitude. And these are not tears of sadness and sorrow like I used to shed when I was drinking. These are feelings, and they are good feelings, of joy and gladness. And to see so many faces that I've never seen before, and some that I've been seeing for some time, it's so good to see you again. So God is still working in my life, intervening in my life, making a way for me when I'm least expecting it.
Grateful, yes, I am very grateful. I'd like to share a little poem with you by Helen Stoner Rice. It's very inspirational and helpful to me. I love her writings and her poems. It says a lot. Through spiritual principles. And it's titled, Climb Till Your Dream Comes True. It says often the task will be many, and more than we think we can do. And often the roads will be rugged, and the hills insurmountable too.
But always remember the hills ahead are never as steep as they seem. With faith in your heart, start up and climb till you reach your dream. But always remember the hills ahead are never as steep as they seem. With faith in your heart, start up and climb till you reach your dream. For nothing in life that is worthy is ever too hard to achieve if we have the courage to try it and the faith to believe.
For faith is a force that is greater than knowledge, or power, or skill. And many defeats and a triumph if you will trust in God's wisdom and will. For faith is a mover of mountains. There's nothing that God cannot do. So start out today with faith in your heart, and climb till your dream comes true. So the journey of sobriety, it's rough and rugged sometimes. But I know as long as I keep in conscience contact with the God of my understanding that I come to know in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.
And there's nothing going to happen to me today that he and I can't work out without having to take a drink. Thank you and God bless you. Thank you and God bless you. Thank you. Thank you. You're a wonderful person. You're a wonderful person. Thank you. Thank you, John, for a beautiful message. It's really inspiring. Our next speaker this afternoon is a lady who shares the same hometown with one of our co-founders, Dr. Bob.
I'd like to introduce now Anne C. from Akron, Ohio. Thank you. She has me living in Akron. I thought I lived in Niles. You know when you're sitting over there and get so interested in what the other panelists are saying, it's easy to forget that you're supposed to be up here too, you know. I was, however, living in Akron, Ohio when I was born there. I never dreamed at that time that I would ever take a drink, much less have a problem.
I led a very sheltered life and did not associate with drinking people. And everything I wanted to do that I thought would be any fun was a no-no. You know, no shows, no dances, strict, yes. And I think even back there I was straining at the least, figuring if I ever get away from this strict discipline in my parents' home, I will do a few things in which I can see no harm. Drinking was not in my plans.
[00:55:02]
However, I got married, left Akron, moved to Warren, Ohio, and after loafing a while, decided to go back to work as a legal secretary. And I was working in Youngstown, Ohio. And this was the first time that I had belonged in a sorority or anything like that. And everyone in that business women's sorority drank, except me. And at our get-togethers, the argument would start, why don't you drink with us, why should I, you'll have a better time, I'm having a good time.
So one night I decided to take a drink and announce to one and all, I did not like the stuff and if they had any manners, I figured they'd leave me alone. As I downed my first drink, however, I was a little fearful of what it might do to me because little Becky and Wilma did the strangest things after any amount of alcohol. I saw it, I didn't know why they misbehaved like that. Becky was 19 years old, Wilma 20, and they did things to embarrass many of us.
And I thought the boys in the white coats had missed a couple the last time around. And so the fear was there. If it affects me like it does them, I'm in trouble already. Down it went, no effect, no difference in feeling, no change in behavior. So I made a different decision that night and decided the little bits that I would drink at our get-togethers would not hurt me and they'd be happy that I joined their party.
And that's the way it all started. And for a while there was no indication whatsoever that alcohol would ever, ever present a problem in my life because for a while I only drank when we got together, that crowd, later. I developed a tremendous capacity for alcohol and my friends were amazed at the amount I could consume without getting drunk, without having to apologize to anyone for bad behavior. And if anyone had told me then that someday I would be backed into a corner even by a little old beer, I would have idled with them, long and loud.
No problem in sight. I can look back now and see where I made the first wrong turn in my drinking. I had worked in Youngstown, lived in Warren, after a bad winter got a job in Warren. And I was working for the sales manager of an engineering company. Compared to legal work, it was dull and interesting. And my assistant was no assistant, really. She's long gone or I wouldn't be mentioning this. I used to say she sat on the first three letters of her title all day long while my work piled up, you know.
I had to start working long hours over time to keep up with my pile of work and discover what people meant when they said they were nervous I was getting there. I threatened to leave. The girl said, don't do that just because at the end of the day you're tied in knots. We all have those days. Stop in the cocktail lounge on the way home, have a couple of quickies. That meant gulp, didn't it? And I had never gulped drinks before, but they told me I could relax in a hurry and I tried it.
They were right. I loved the feeling of fast relaxation. What I didn't know then, and I do know now, is that my dependence on alcohol had just started. Prior to that, drinking was not important to me. From then on, I wanted to relax in a hurry. I knew how to do it. I did it. The intake was increasing. And during this time, we were forced to move to Arizona because of my husband's health at that time.
And out there I deliberately started seeking happiness in the bottle. And even though it was false and it was temporary, believe me folks, there were nights I was so happy. They could have blown Ohio off the map many of those nights. I didn't feel homesick. I didn't feel shut off from my Ohio friends. But my problem with alcohol had started and it snowballed real fast. I found myself doing insane things for which I had to tell somebody something.
Such as the night I thought it was a splendid idea to replace a singer in the floor show. I almost did. And someone pulled me back in time. And I don't care how many times I did it. I was so happy. I was so happy. I was so happy.
[01:00:00]
I was so happy. I was so happy. You never saw a birthday party get together so fast in all your life. The drinks were coming faster, they were singing Happy Birthday, and I was taking the bows. It was pretty neat. The only thing is, that was December, and my birthday's in May. I started having frequent birthdays. Every time I was over served, it was my birthday again. Well, strange things were happening out there, things I couldn't understand. I'd always been considered, and believe I was, a very unselfish person, but selfishness was setting in, and dishonesty was setting in, and I don't like dishonest people, so I was losing my self-respect out there, and I was bewildered at this change in me.
Well, after some time out there, we were coming back to Ohio, and I announced to my husband that I was not going to drink anymore, and he was so pleased about that, but he was in the dream world, I'll tell you, because after about two weeks, I sold myself a bill of goods. This time, it will be different, and I started drinking again, and much to my amazement, every time I drank, whether I was happy, sad, at home, or homesick, something happened, and I had to have more and more and more.
I was in the compulsive stage of drinking without understanding it, and I was just as bewildered as my husband, because nothing else had ever backed me into a corner, and here I was, hurting a lot of people didn't deserve to be hurt, and my husband knew about AA and tried to get me interested. Now, if his desire that I stop drinking had worked, I would have been in AA sooner. Daddy here said that he wished they would call us long-timers instead of old-timers, and I don't like the term old-timers either, and one time I said, why don't they call us early birds?
And then I had to kind of toss that idea out, because weren't most of us overdue when we got here? So early birds had to be, I don't know, someday they'll figure out another name for us. I am thankful to be part of it anyway. So I fought the office of help for my AA until it backed me into a corner so tight I had no way to go. I had let my mother see me in a drunken condition. She died shortly after that, worrying about me instead of worrying about dying.
I had four brothers and a sister also concerned about me, but I was so sure that someday, somehow, under certain conditions, I would find the answer, and I didn't need any help from anybody. That prolonged my battle with the bottle, and at the end of my drinking, my husband could see what was happening. After I knew that Mother had died, asking if anyone knew where I was, because I was supposed to be in Akron that weekend.
If they had known, they couldn't have told her. She died with my name on her lips, worrying about me, and I went into my last stage of drinking right after the funeral, where I wanted nothing out of the bottle except to blow it in. My husband, being the kind of person he was, came to me and said, Ann, I don't think you'll ever quit drinking. I believe that you will drink until you lose your mind, have people away, or drink until you die.
I married you for better or for worse. I still love you in spite of the fact that you are breaking my heart, and I'm not going to talk to you about AA. I know you're not interested. He said, from now on, you can drink all you want, anything you want. I'll bring it to you in any quantity, and I'll even drink with you, but there's one condition. Drink at home. The last period of my drinking was spent in lonely, solitary confinement in my own home.
A bedroom for a cell, a bottle for a cellmate, and people were shut out. I no longer wanted to see people talk to them. It didn't have to be this way. Nobody has to be as proud and stubborn and self-willed as I was. Nobody can help you if you don't want to help yourself, and I found that out the hard way. But on April Fool's Day in 1948, I awakened, and I poured that drink, which would mean another day of drinking, and I was waving in front of a mirror.
[01:05:02]
I glanced in the mirror, shocked at what I saw, fell back on the vanity bench, and took a long, steady look at me that day. I believe I voluntarily came out of my dream world and was willing to look at me as I had become, look at the shambles of my life as it was. And that's the day I quit blaming people and things. I threw out all my excuses for drinking, and I knew my only hope was to swallow my pride and call A.A. for help, which I did, after pouring that drink down the sink.
I did not drink it. I was never too good at tapering off. No, no. So I called for help, went to my first meeting in pretty sad shape, but I got a glimmer of hope there that I did not have when I walked into the meeting. And they asked me if I could stay sober one day. I said, I'm not sure, but I know that I'd rather die than drink again. I do know that. Okay, and I feel that way tonight. I have never wavered in my determination to stay sober no matter what.
We had a fellow in Cleveland who talked about the three D's of A.A., the desire to stop drinking, the decision to do something about it, and the determination to hold on at all costs. And I've had tragedy, heartaches, and sorrow, and a lot of that, but I've never been tempted to drink. I knew when I sought help from you that one beer meant eventual drunkenness. I went through the entire experimental department before I swallowed my pride and said, help me.
So I was in the program, willing to do anything they suggested. And they told me about the importance of meetings, reading the literature, studying the big book, trying to help others, and trying to live by the 12 steps to recovery. And I was doing all these things to the best of my ability at that time. Five weeks went by, and no matter how I felt, I went to the meeting. They said it was important.
My health did not return right away. My A.A. friends worried about me, said see a doctor. I did. After a complete physical, he announced there was nothing wrong with me except my nerves, and what he recommended was a little whiskey three times a day. Yep, yep. When I got through with him, he wanted to drive me to the A.A. meeting to make sure I got there. And he's never recommended alcohol for any patient since. No, no help there.
The next doctor wanted to put me on sedation, and I said, I'm not going down that dead-end road. If I want to be fuzzy in the head, I'll go back to drinking. I don't want to drink. You're no help. The other doctors, no help. He said, you're going to have a nervous breakdown. And I said, doctor, made up my mind I won't. And I didn't. I really didn't. And he said, I don't think you will. So I started to tell you, five weeks after I was in the program, I went to my first big meeting, and a man started to get up to the podium.
And I said, what is that man doing up there? And they said, well, he's going to give a talk here tonight. This Dr. Bob. I said, you mean that's the man I have been reading about? I said, I knew him in Akron. He was a terrible drunk. They laughed at me, too. I used to, the first job I ever had in my life was in the Second National Building in Akron, and this character used to come down to the lunch counter, but he never ate.
Bromoselsers, Alka-Selsers, tomato juice, all kinds of junk. Well, that didn't bother me as much as the fact that he was shook all the time. And I said to Bill, the owner of the place, what's wrong with that man down there? Does he have palsy? Bill, the owner, said, no, all he has is a perpetual hangover. And I had to have the word explained to me. Can you imagine that? I found out later, but I did make a remark.
If that's all it is, why doesn't that crazy man stop? He surely doesn't enjoy shaking like that all the time. And here our paths had crossed after quite a while. He said, Ann, I often wondered what happened to you. Well, I got married and left Akron, that's what happened. And he said, do you know that I used to steer clear of you because they told me you were a little Sunday School teacher?
[01:10:00]
And I didn't want any more preaching. And I said, well, I stayed away from you for a different reason, Dr. Brown. And I said, well, I stayed away from you for a different reason, Dr. Brown. I said, you didn't smell exactly like a rose. And he had a laugh over that one. And then he said, anytime you're in Akron, feel free, come to my home, come to my office. I'll always be glad to see you. And I took him up on that, and I feel so grateful that I had time to spend with him.
During that long last illness that he had. And I didn't have a sponsor, and on one of our visits I said, you know, I don't have a sponsor. I was the first woman member in Trumbull County to come in and stay put. And I said, could you be my sponsor? I didn't know then that men should sponsor men, women women. Complications can set in otherwise, I found out. But he said to me, you know I'll help you in any way that I can.
So when I couldn't get a quick, satisfactory answer nearby, I would get him on the phone and say, here's my problem, what do I do now? He never gave me a bum steer, never. He always gave me good, sound advice, and if I followed it, I was okay. I never wanted to drink, but my nerves were pretty bad for a while, and then they simmered down after I told this doctor, you know in certain terms I wasn't going to have a breakdown.
Because the only nerve medicine I needed was realizing that I was in trouble on the amends step, and trying to make amends too fast to too many people, spreading myself too thin, not getting enough rest, and all that, and trying to live by the program, and finding fault with me right along, you know. But day by day, in every way, things did start getting better. And in the fall of that year, my husband insisted that I go to New York and send Bill Stenner.
He had heard about it, I hadn't. I said, honey, I don't deserve anything like that. When I think of all the money I put in, I just don't, but he insisted I went, and I met Bill. Well, Bill and Dr. Baum were as different as day and night in many, many, many ways. For instance, if you would ask Bill a question, and he would give you an answer off the top of his head real fast, ask Dr. Baum the same question, and he would say, and he would give you an answer off the top of his head real fast, ask Dr. Baum the same question, and he would sit and ponder a while before he gave any kind of an answer.
And Dr. Baum was one to kind of sit still and wait for things to happen, let them come and ask, you know. Bill, on the other hand, wanted to tell the millions that still don't know. And when Dr. Baum was moving too slowly, Bill could prod him and get him in gear. And then when Bill was going too fast with the ball, Dr. Baum would say, now, steady, fellow, let's talk this thing over. There was never a serious disagreement between them because, after discussion, they almost always came to a meeting of the minds.
But I feel doubly blessed because I knew both of them as different as they were, but wasn't the combination good for them and all the rest of us? That's how it all started. My time's about up here, but there's just one thing I'd like to share with you. We have the 12 Steps to Recovery. That's for the individuals. The 12 Traditions for the Groups, or Unity. And we have the 12 Concepts of Service, different ways to help the still-suffering alcoholic.
And we now have the 12 Promises out of the Big Book. But a number of years ago, I put this together, and I call it the 12 Rewards of the 12 Step Program. And the reason I put it together is because it shows you the contrast that can take place in any of our lives, any of our lives, if we will try to follow the AA principles. We can all have hope instead of desperation. Faith instead of despair. Courage instead of fear.
Peace of mind instead of confusion. Self-love instead of fear. The Respect of Others Instead of Their Pity and Contempt, A Clean Conscience Instead of a Sense of Guilt,
[01:15:05]
Real Friendships Instead of Loneliness, A Clean Pattern of Life Instead of a Purposeless Existence, The Love and Understanding of our Families Instead of the Doubts and Fears, And the Freedom of a Happy Life Instead of the Bondage of an Alcoholic Obsession, All this and more through AA. Are we grateful enough? Gratitude will continue the miracle of your sobriety. I've found that out. Thank you. Thank you so much, Anne. Wonderful hearing your personal experiences.
with Dr. Bob and Bill. Our final speaker this afternoon is a new friend also. I look forward to hearing his story and I'd like to introduce Joe C. from Ontario. Joe? My name is Joe Cushing and I'm an alcoholic. You people have been very patient and attentive. I think you deserve a break. I'll stand up for a minute, just stretch a little. All right, your minute is up. Feels a little better, eh? I'm reminded of the World Conference held in Toronto in 1965 when our founder Bill was present and he was addressing the total gathering. He took a look out in his own inimitable way and he said, what wonders God has wrought among us.
Seems to me when I take a look at what we're witnessing this weekend, how many times more true that is today. I have an admission to make. I've been living with a lie for a number of years. He asked me on occasion, how long have you been in AA? I said, well, how old were you when you came in? I said, 11. You see, I'm a liar like Dorothy. Well, you know and I know that isn't true. And I want to clear the deck today. I did not commit to AA at 11.
I was 13. Now I can see if I can live with that lie for a while. You know, I think to sum up without an alcoholic story, sum up what I brought to AA, six or eight months ago, or maybe a little longer, I was reading the grapevine and there was one of these little two-liners at the bottom of the page. Sometimes we overlook them and sometimes I think they're very significant. This particular one, the chap said he had to quit drinking because he got tired waking up in the morning and finding his clothes strewn all over the bedroom floor and him in them.
You know, seriously, as I thought about that for a while, it suddenly hit me an awful impact. That in detail described my life. My life was just strewn all over the place. Totally without purpose. They speak of centeredness today. I didn't know the word then.
[01:20:05]
There certainly was no centeredness. The confusion, the frustration, the self-pity, the lousy, poor self-image, low self-esteem, it was that bundle of junk that I brought to AA on the 16th of August, 1945. And thank God, with his mercy and your kindness and your love, I've been reaping the benefits of this program ever since. Now, believe me, I don't say that as a boast. Because it seems to me that the longer we're in AA, the greater becomes our debt of gratitude.
So if you're in AA a year, my debt of gratitude should be 40 times greater than yours. And I trust I won't forget that. I can describe pretty well what I feel today that I think covers the whole works. I'm grateful for the past. I'm awed at the unbelievable present. And I'm confident of a promising future. Now, where else could we get a package handed to us like this? I'm not looking at the future as though I may be living tomorrow or not. I have no control over that.
But first of all, I no longer look back with deep, shattering regret at the terrible things, at becoming an alcoholic. I'm certainly very regretful of the people I hurt, the scars I left on lives. And I was a master at scarring people's lives. But I don't regret for one moment or a fraction of a moment developing this illness of alcoholism. I don't want to experience this activity for another moment, but I don't want to obliterate it from my life either.
And I can't begin to conceive how life could be any more meaningful than it is with all the beautiful messages, the insights, the understandings, the sense of compassion that has poured my way from you and from the one who originated this program, God himself. So I can look to the future without that sense of apprehension, without that sense of fear. And I don't need to describe that, do I? Those of you who are alcoholics, you know it.
There is so much about our past, there is so much about our present that we can't begin to express. Oh, we can find fancy clichés and so on, but they don't seem to express it, do they? All we can say, the same as when we speak to another alcoholic who is still suffering, we can say, I know how you feel. And when you come to me and you share the beginnings of your feelings of worthfulness, and you begin to feel a little more worthy than you did, I can say, I know how you feel.
We can bridge that gap, can't we? I didn't abuse alcohol. Alcohol abused me. And I think that's a very significant point for me to remember. Traditionally, it hasn't always been the fact, you know, he's abusing alcohol. I'd like to share a little scenario with you today that has become very, very meaningful to me and has come to me in clarity in recent years. I envision the day when God decided he was going to create a guy named Joe.
Incidentally, you'll see as I go along, I speak for him on occasion. Well, I think somebody should. Well, not me. Silly expression, isn't it? He speaks to us in so many wonderful ways. But this is what I see. I see him saying, now I'm going to give this little guy the same thing I give everybody I create. I'm going to give, first of all, give him a whole lot of negative capacities. I'm going to give him the capacity for anger, for jealousy, for bitterness, for hatred, resentment, lust.
I'm going to give him all these plus a whole flock more of negative capacities. But then to counteract that, I'm going to give him a whole flock of positive capacities. I'm going to give him the capacity to care, to share, to be concerned, to approve, to love, and many, many others.
[01:25:01]
And then I'm going to give him one other thing that's going to be very vital in his life. I'm going to give him a thing I call willpower, and I'm going to leave it all up to him from there on in. I'm going to give him freedom to choose whichever of these he wants, the negative or the positive, and exercise them in whatever fashion he sees fit. Over and above that, I'm going to give him some needs. And these needs must be met if he is to live a meaningful life.
I'm going to give him the need to be approved, to be loved, to be accepted. And I'm also going to give him the need to approve. But then over and above all that, I'm going to instill in him the most powerful force that I give to every human being, the thing that is going to govern every single activity of his life as long as he lives. And that is an urge to return back to me. Now, to take that off a highfalutin theological level, if you will, we can translate it into the marketplace that comes out this way.
I want to be happy. The core, the essence of every single thing that you and I do. Don't let anybody in this room tell me that they ever reached out for a drink for any other reason than to be happy, to ease the pain of the moment, to change the thoughts in their mind for something a little more pleasant. None of us ever took a drink with the idea of what it was going to lead to and I'll end up shaking hands with old man remorse and I'll have a hangover and I'll feel like the wrath of God and I'll want to die and I'll be scared I will.
Those were not our targets. Everything that I've ever been involved in in my life, I can see that powerful force at work. I don't want the unpleasant. Who in this room got up this morning and said, I'd like to have a migraine headache today? We don't do that. But we're not stupid either, we're realistic. We know that being human, these things can happen. We can have ruptured appendix, we can have a broken leg, we can have unpleasant things, we can meet people that become irritable and irritating.
We know that, but we don't seek them out. We only seek what is pleasant. Isn't it amazing? That same powerful motivation that drove me on to literal self-destruction is the same motivation that's driving me today to tap this program for everything I can get. The same thing. Isn't it strange? I thought I was going to gain that euphoria, that joy, that great achievement in alcohol, and I didn't. I'm striving for the same thing today.
I desperately want your approval. I want you to love me. But in the process, things take place, don't they? I believe the best way to describe, I think, the process we enter into in AA is this. We are entering into a process of becoming. Becoming what I think we were intended to become. Now, I'm not putting this on a moral level. But I think the reason I got into so much difficulty is I deviated from that course that he laid out for me.
Alcohol aggravated all those capacities I spoke of. Alcohol aggravated and enlarged and inflated the negative ones and downgraded the positive ones. Now, I'm not hiding behind that.