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Source: 1985 Montreal International Convention – Multi Speakers – LOVING SOBER – RS 06423.mp3 File: 1985-montreal-international-convention-multi-speakers-loving-sober-rs-06423.mp3 Duration: 01:07:18
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Let's open this meeting in the usual manner with a moment of silent meditation followed by the serenity prayer. Serenity prayer. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. My name is Nancy Rushing and I'm an alcoholic. My home group is the Big Book group in Meridian, Mississippi. Now I think that's the best group there is. Now, we have an old fellow in Mississippi that says if you don't think your group is the best one, don't go off and start another group and screw it up too. Now I'll read what I'm supposed to do. It says let's ask for a moment of silence in gratitude for the AA recoveries of the past 50 years. Just one moment of silence. Thank you. Anonymity tradition. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion. We need to always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, TV, and films. Thus we respectfully ask that no AA speaker or indeed any AA member be identified by full name or photograph in published or broadcast reports of our meetings.
The assurance of anonymity is essential in our effort to help other problem drinkers who may wish to share our recovery program with us. And our tradition of anonymity reminds us that AA principles come before personalities. Now, I think I'm supposed to get up here and act real dignified. But those who know me know that's impossible. Now, as all of y'all already know, the topic of this particular meeting is loving sober. Now, I think everybody in here looks sober anyhow. And it's not like one of the meetings I went to this morning, they were kind of confused about what they were supposed to be talking about. But I doubt that our speakers are. But I know some of us when we first get here are confused about what loving sober should mean to us. And that leads up to my favorite story, which I don't think I'm even supposed to tell. But anyhow. There was another old gal out in Texas and she was real new in AA. And that was back in the days when we really had to go down to the AA meeting hall and clean up and scrub up and do things. And this gal's name was Helen. And she was so excited because she was getting to do her first bit of service work. So she put on her old breeches and had her hair tied up in a scarf. And y'all know what she looked like. She was a great big old buck from gal. She was the only one up there. And this poor old drunk came wandering and opened the door. She looked out at him and she says, Well, hello, fella. If you bought what I got and are willing to go to any length to get it. That poor old drunk left. We haven't found him yet. Now, I don't know why they put the lady last, but she says that's all right. So it gives me great pleasure and I apologize for my foolishness to introduce to you Gene W. from California.
[00:05:17]
Hi, everybody. My name is Gene Webb and I'm a grateful alcoholic. And Nancy's a tough one to follow. But I'm full of gratitude and full of love and nervous as hell. But it's great to be here. When my friend Frank called and asked me if he'd like to put my name into GSO in New York, I thought it would be for ushering. But it's great to be part of this convention. And today's topic is loving sober. And isn't that what this is all about? I know I can feel the love here in this room, but it wasn't always that way. I like the word that my three-year-old granddaughter uses when I say to her, Noel, come to Grandpa. And she says, I can't want to. That's the way it was. That's the way it was with me when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. But everything that's happened has been wonderful. But it wasn't that way, like I said at the start. I was standing in front of the judge with my second 502. I was having a little bad luck. The judge said to me, he says, do you have a drinking problem? And I said, only when I drink. I can't believe I said that. My wife had been calling me an alcoholic for a long time, but what the hell did she know? She didn't drink. And I just knew that I had a lot of problems. But like I say, it wasn't alcohol. It was the job. It was the boss. It was the wife. It was the kids. And so when I went to Alcoholics Anonymous, I was sentenced for 24 meetings in 60 days. And I said, my God, he threw the book at me. And thank God he did throw the book at me, the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And for a guy that wasn't an alcoholic until I joined Alcoholics Anonymous, that's been a little over 19 years ago. I did not say that to impress you, but impress the hell out of me. Because I can't believe today that I am sober. And the miracle is that not because I'm sober, but the miracle is that I don't want to drink. Now, loving sober is what AAA to me is all about. If you don't change, you don't stick around. And I didn't want to change because I didn't think I was alcoholic, like I said. And I didn't want to be like you people. You were sick.
The first drink got you drunk. That was not the way it was in my case. You were standing up here saying you were an alcoholic. They were down in skid row. You were saying that you're having birthday parties. And I used to go home and I would tell my wife about you funny people. But I kept going to meetings and I didn't drink. I wanted to drink, but I didn't drink. Because I had a little court card to have signed. And I figured, I understood that if I drank and went to the meeting, they wouldn't sign my little court card. And I wanted to get this all over so I could go back to the business of living.
You know, I'm not stupid, but boy, I was sure ignorant about alcohol. I drank it and I loved the stuff. And I loved what it did to me. But I sure didn't know I was an alcoholic. I mean, the guy down the street was. I mean, he drank all the time. But he was never in any trouble. And I was in trouble all the time.
[00:10:00]
But it was just a bad luck. But I know today, well, like I say, this program is not a religious program. Yet I found a God here that I love and understand. And that didn't come overnight. I always believed there was a God, but I looked up around there somewhere for him. I didn't know that he was inside. I know that there was somebody in there once in a while saying, hey, you know, you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing. But I know today that I have a higher power that's loving God. And I take things one day at a time.
And I've got to tell you about this wonderful program. I mean, like I said, I am so grateful. Words can't even express what's happened. So I'm going to tell you that on June the 10th, my wife and I left to come here. A little over-anxious. In fact, I think we came to Montreal to see our friends probably about the end of June. It's great when you have a saint of your own. The one I have is called Saint Pierre.
He lives here in Montreal, and he and his wife have been great. But anyway, we came to Montreal, then we went on down to Maine, and then we went through New Brunswick, over to the Prince Edward Islands, over to Nova Scotia, and back up through Canada. Now, I mean, I'm telling you, this is a dream that I didn't dream. We're seeing the states for the first time back east. We've always been in the west coast. When somebody would mention Mississippi or Maine or Missouri, they were like foreign countries to us.
And we're beginning to see them. And you know, everywhere you stand, it's beautiful. I mean, I don't know if it's just the perfect time of the year or whatever it is, but it's been beautiful. And I'm proud to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I'm proud to be an alcoholic, because some of my best friends are alcoholics. But it wasn't always that way. But I don't really realize how much more time I have.
Funny. It's not that I don't have a lot to say. I do. It's just I don't want to step on somebody else's toes, because I am grateful. And so maybe I should tell you what happened to me on my last drunk, because I never want to forget my last drunk. And it's all these things that's happened to me that makes me loving and sober today. So I hadn't been up yet to court for my second 502, but when I was out celebrating with the company, the next thing I know, my car was on the railroad tracks.
And the cops had me up against my car, and I was in the gravel on the railroad tracks. And he said to me, the policeman said, we've got to get this man off the railroad tracks, because there's a train due any minute. And so they went making a call, you know, to have a tow truck come and everything. And all of a sudden, this man appeared from nowhere, and he said, give me your keys. And I said, what? He said, give me your keys. And he said, you're drunk. I said, oh, and I give him my keys.
And he said, now he said, when they say to you, get in your car and drive, you say, Mo, get in the car and drive. So sure enough, the tow truck came, and they said to me, get in the truck and drive. And I said, hey, Mo, get in the truck and drive. And so he did. Now that was the first, to me, was the first sign of a miracle. The first sign of a miracle, and if they would have accepted a check that night, I probably
[00:15:05]
would have had my third 502, but they didn't, so they towed the car off. But the second miracle that happened right away in my life was when I was sentenced to AA by the judge, a loving judge, and then I was going to AA and I had to call up, I was a salesman, an outside electrical salesman, and of course, you know, that was part of my job to drink and entertain, and so I had to call my boss and I said, you know, I'm going to resign, and he said, I thought you've been kind of quiet lately, and he said, what's going on?
And I said, well, I'm going to AA meetings and I'm going to be losing my license, and he said, well, are you an alcoholic, and I said, yes, but, I didn't want him to think the worst of me, you know, and so he said, well, I want you to come in and we'll talk about it, so I did, and he said, you're going to get a chauffeur, well, you know, I couldn't believe that, and he said, well, did you know that I'm a member of AA, and that I've been on the program for nine years, now, I never did like that guy, because, he didn't drink, and I didn't like him, but I did get a chauffeur for a year, I lost my license for a year, and I did get a chauffeur, and that chauffeur was a drunk, and he would show up to pick me up with wine on his breath, and then he would drive half loaded, and then when I would come out from calling on a customer, I'd have to find him in the nearest bar, I took him to a few meetings with me, and he said, you know, there isn't one attractive person in that whole Alcoholics Anonymous, I don't know what happened to him, but he did, he was only going to drive for a couple of months, but he did drive for that whole year, and the people in Alcoholics Anonymous kept me in my place, and I know every time they would say anything to me, I was so filled with resentment, hate, and full of self-pity, and this lady who was about 65 years old, who I thought she shouldn't be drinking anyway, she said to me, she said, you know, she said, any time anybody would say anything to me, I'd say, yeah, but I've lost my license for a year, and I'm an outside salesman, and so she said to me one day, she said, you know, you're just full of self-pity, and I thought, what the hell does she know about self-pity, and I was the one that didn't know anything about self-pity, plus I didn't know anything about anything, and I've got to tell you before I close, that one night in a meeting, and I don't know who was speaking, or what happened, but this particular night in the meeting, I thought, you know, these people aren't sick, they're here to do something about their problem, and I wasn't willing to do anything about mine, and so when I finally admitted that I was an alcoholic, and that I was willing to go to any length, it was like a monkey crawled off my back, and every day it's gotten better and better, and I can tell you that I love everybody in Alcoholics Anonymous, I really do, I love to be part of, and like I say, I'm proud to be an alcoholic, and thank you to Jeff J. from Minnesota.
Hello, I'm Jeff, I'm an alcoholic, and it's great to be here, it's been a long time, I'm
[00:20:04]
just full of gratitude, I'm really just happy to be here. I sat down here when I first came in, and we were here 45 minutes early, and I was just looking around, and it's such a beautiful place, the chandeliers, I was thinking, it is so beautiful, and I couldn't help but look back, and think where I came from, and here I am today, and it's a miracle. I've been thinking for three months about some things to talk about. I pray before every time I speak, just to be honest and sincere, and just be myself, and all this good stuff, I have to know that I have to be honest, because my fiancé is here, and my three best friends, I sobered up, guys I sobered up with, and I've been with my fiancé for the last year, and today, one year ago, I met Lori, and we're together up here this weekend, and that's a miracle. I was born into a big Catholic family in 1960, I'm 25 now, I just have to say that a lot of the old timers, where I come from, say that Catholic families are nothing but breeding grounds for alcoholics. That takes care of two minutes. But I see now, coming from that family, my alcoholic father, and myself being an alcoholic, probably six out of eight of the rest of the family are alcoholic, or married and alcoholic, and from my work in AA, and life, just about six years, I found that loving, and intimacy, and trust, and faith, has really become difficult, because as Diane back there says, when you're in an alcoholic home, you don't talk, and you don't trust, and you don't feel. And I've had a lot of work done in that area, and I'm just getting to a point now where I can talk about really intimate things going on in my life, even with Lori, my fiancée. I was sober six years, and I'm going through these things in an intimate relationship, and it frightens the hell out of me, because there's another person out there that knows just about everything about me, and it's like I can't even harbor any secrets anymore, she knows everything, because it shows in my face. I guess, going with the old format of any AA talk, what it was like, and what happened, and what it's like now, I'd like to tell you a little bit about what it was like for me when I was growing up, and using alcohol and drugs every day. There was a time in my life, when I was five or six years old, that I was really close to my father, and he took off, and whenever he decided it was convenient for him, he'd come back, and he'd be my dad again, and well, that went on for up until now. Well, I had a lot of anger and rage inside of me, and I was mad at everybody in the world, and I didn't have a friend, but I wanted to be friends with everybody. I always thought it was everybody moving away from me, but it was just me. I was too afraid to get close to another human being, because I was so afraid of being hurt, or rejected, and I must have had a big ego then, too.
[00:25:25]
Well, at any rate, that went on until I was 19 years old. I'd fight all the time. I'd just get fights. When I started using beer, I started drinking beer when I was probably 12 or 13 years old, even in spite of saying, well, I'll never be like Dad, because I know what happened to him and what happened to the family, so I'll never drink, and I even told Mom, don't worry about me. I don't even like the taste of stuff, and that's how tricky it is for me. It really got me.
Anyway, I found out when I started drinking, I felt really at peace with myself, and I could get along with people, and people were my friends, and everyone smiled, and I could see colors more vividly, and it was just great. I found a friend, and the best thing that ever happened to me in my life. Well, one thing led to another. Fights. I started stealing. It started becoming a habit. I did a lot of things that I really despised in myself. I hated myself even more than I did before I started drinking.
So what happened was I figured I'd better just switch, or combine drugs and alcohol. So I started smoking pot, and I never was much of an alcohol drinker. If nothing else was around, I'd always drink or take whatever was there. But it just got so bad, I used every day, and it was just like I was in a prison. I couldn't do the things I wanted to anymore. My hunting and fishing, and my rock collecting, and my stamp collecting, and all the things I did as a kid to make myself happy were thrown out the back door.
I was chasing something that I thought really made me happy on the inside, and it all turned bad on me. That was the hardest thing I ever faced in my life, was to actually break through that denial of the drinking and using drugs. That denial that told me that these things were doing good things for me. The drinking and the drugs was a glamorous way of life, and you deal drugs, and you got glamour, and you got power, and you got people looking up to you all the time. I found out that was a really false way of living.
All this time, my first 19 years, I could not accept any love from anybody, because I had all this anger inside of me. I'm damn lucky I never killed anybody, because I was pretty mad all the time, every day. In this prison I lived in, I was very, very isolated, very lonely, and I couldn't get close to anybody. I think that, more than anything else, prompted me to go into treatment when I was 19 years old.
What I learned in treatment was basically the bare essentials to help me keep going. I learned that people cared for me, and that I wasn't so bad as I thought I was, and that I was an alcoholic, and I was addicted to drugs, too. I learned that I had to get away from my family, even then, so I went to a halfway house, and I learned that relationships are really important with people. Relationships are really important with people and even in spite of being sober and really
[00:30:01]
doing pretty good, I always had trouble with relationships, being close to people and just sticking with my buddies. Let's see, that kind of brings me up to 20. I've got five more years to go here before I'm done. I wanted to be really funny when I came up here. This is really great to be up here. I sense a lot of love in this room. It's just kind of buzzing. I guess when I came in here, the one thing that really attracted me the most was the instant you walked into the club room. People were there and they shook my hand.
I think more than anything, that meant the most to me. I walked around for so long and I didn't feel like I was accepted in this world and that I didn't belong. Even though I didn't really think I was that bad when I came into AA, they still tolerated me and put up with me. They didn't say, but you are a chronic alcoholic. I guess just by talking with the friends, the people that were there, I found it almost easy to stay sober and stay away from that because I formed such a bond with the people and a love that I never had in my life.
It's still going on. The guys I've sobered up with are here tonight. What more could a guy want? One of my buddies was one of my first friends when I was five years old on the block. We traveled the same course and we're comrades in AA now. We even drank together. We survived. But this love business, love to me is a word I never used for a long time because I didn't quite know what I was getting into if I said I loved somebody. I didn't know how much commitment there was or how much they expected of me or how much I had to give.
On the way up here, I've got to tell you this. We took the long way around from Minnesota. We went around the Great Lakes north of Duluth and all the way around Lake Superior. It was a difficult trip. There were four of us in a little car. My buddy Jim was talking to me after we narrowly missed a head-on collision. He said, people don't often tell each other how they really feel. He said, sometimes they don't tell you they really care for you until maybe it's too late. I was driving, of course. I looked back in the rearview mirror and I couldn't quite tell where he was coming from.
He said, I would say I love you, but I'm too macho for that. I guess that's where I come from too. I have a lot of love now for people. I hate going somewhere without talking to people and stopping and sharing something. Even if what comes out of my mouth comes in the form of giving them a bad time or something. We were staying out at this college. There were these China men out there from China. They don't know a word of English. I'm really interested in talking to people. I went up and talked to them.
[00:35:09]
They were cooking supper. You know how they cook. They've got the woks and they stick fish in there and vegetables and things like that. It really just permeated the whole air. It reeked. I hope no one takes offense to that. I said I wanted to talk to them. They were watching the 20 minute workout on TV. It was fun. I was talking to these guys. I said, where are you from and how are you doing? They said, yeah, yeah.
But the whole point of it is that I really care for people. I don't mean to pick on minorities because I'm not that way. They were just there. It was something out of the ordinary. I'd probably never see it again in my life. I just had to experience it. I know my fiancée, Lori, she clamps her hand over my mouth so I don't talk sometimes. I can imagine her embarrassment sometimes. I'm not that bad, really.
But anyway, life goes on. Our trip up here was really special to me because we were all together and I had a favorite woman that I had a real special relationship with. We were with Jim and his wife. We spent a lot of time talking on the way up. We didn't do a lot of talking in four days. We were in the car. We camped. I think we shared quite a bit. I guess coming up to this world conference for me, it's just, it's awesome.
I mean, how many thousands of people, what's the last count? 60,000? 90,000? That's great. That's great. 90,000 people recovering alcoholics, I feel really good about it, just being up here. My second world conference, the first one was in New Orleans. It was great down there. In some respects, I like New Orleans better. Just the southern hospitality, I guess. But Montreal, to me, has so many facets of the city, so many different things to do.
We went to the Jazz Festival last night. And that wasn't exactly Loving Sober, but close enough. Wall-to-wall people down there. To get anywhere, you had to, you know, crawl about in a piece of a turtle. Then we went to Old Montreal. It was just beautiful down there. I'm an artist myself. Since I came into AA, I found another fellowship that I really feel strong about. And that's the Artist's Guild in Faribault, Minnesota.
It's just a bunch of people that support each other, just like AA, there's no profit motive. Just to help each other out all the time. I know in AA, I've learned that we support each other and kind of give each other a boost every once in a while. And that's what they do for me, too. I really give them a plug for doing that. I guess, wrapping it up, it might be a little bit early, but I don't like struggling for things to say.
[00:40:05]
I do love AA more than I realize. I have so much gratitude, and it's just like a river running through me right now. I'm careful about the words I choose, because I don't have a Kleenex up here, and I don't want to start sobbing up here on the podium. I'm too macho to break down up here. But I do find it easier to talk about my feelings and be more sensitive. And not be so damn hard-nosed. And take myself a lot less serious.
I do love AA, like I said. I have a guide, and he follows me wherever I go. He keeps us from crashing cars on the way to world conferences. He puts certain people in certain places. My buddy Mike from Chicago called when I was registering at the conference. And I just happened to be in this lady's office. And that was the only phone number that the operator gave him. The only one I gave him. And I just happened to be sitting there in that office when he called.
So coincidental. Fluky, this gentleman before me said he understands his guide. I don't. And I don't understand how it works. Sometimes I try to figure it out. But I know that somehow, some way, I'll find some gimmick or some part of the program. To fill that hole in my guide to help me get through one day at a time. So, thank you. Applause Did y'all just happen to notice he didn't look at anybody but her?
Laughter Now, it is my great pleasure to ask you to help me welcome Susan M. from Texas. Applause Hi, my name is Sue and I'm an alcoholic. And I'm sowered today by the grace of God and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. I cannot believe this. There's a little story I always like to tell because it really sums up the way I feel today about this program. Some of you are probably wondering, I don't sound like I'm from Texas, do I?
I'll tell you about that later. But there was this alcoholic and he was very much like me. He found a bar that opened very early in the morning. I was one of these. I found a bar that used to open about 9 o'clock in the morning. In fact, that was about the time of day that they used to make the beer trucks that make their deliveries. So, I found out if you got there right when they were delivering that they'd usually give you a pitcher of beer.
So, they could kind of get you to drink their beer. Laughter If you were a cheap drunk, that was the way to do it. Anyways, this alcoholic was very much like myself. He'd been in a bar drinking all day long. He came out in the afternoon and decided he was going to go home. He had a bicycle. Evidently, he had so many DWIs that they took his license. So, he had a bicycle and he hops on this bike and he's kind of, you know, how we are.
We just, you know, kind of weave down the street.
[00:45:21]
officers start running behind him, and, and he knows they're after him, and so the faster he, some of these things, so I, I, I was thinking about this, and thinking about this, and I asked everybody that, you know, that I was running into about this, well, what do you think this, what do you think they want, what do you think that they mean, and I asked my husband, and he says, well, what do you think about loving sober, and he says, well, I'm not sure, he says, but I sure know it's better than loving drunk.
Applause. I know quite a bit about that loving drunk business. I guess it's kind of a contradiction in terms. I personally believe that I was fully equipped to be alcoholic long before I ever took my first drink. I had all the emotional symptoms, and, and like Jeff, I was born into an alcoholic home, and a Catholic one, too, I might add. Laughter. And during school, I tried very hard to, to overachieve in order to get more attention, and I did quite well for a few years, and that I just loved the, you know, the attention, the spotlight, and that sort of thing that went along with getting good grades, or, or whatever it was I happened to do.
But I always had this feeling deep down inside of me that I never really was a part of anything that was going on. I didn't really have any close, close friends. I, I had a group of, of what I used to call friends in high school that I was associated with, but I never really had a very, very best friend like so many others I know did. I was really pretty much a, a loner. But I always felt like I was on the outside of these, these little groups that went on. One of the things that happened to me when I started drinking was that I found that, that after a few drinks that I could become a part of what was going on.
In fact, I can remember my very first drink was at a high school dance, and we were kind of gathered out in the parking lot, and they were passing this bottle around, and, and when it came to me, I had never had a drink before, but I, there was no way I was going to turn this down because I knew that if I did, I wouldn't be accepted at all. And I found out after taking a big drink out of this bottle that people were patting me on the back and, and, you know, they just thought this was really great, and, and I did too, and it only took a few minutes before I started to feel that, the effects of alcohol. And, and then I found something that this was really my friend because then I was, oh, I could become really the life of the party.
I was very quiet, you know, when I wasn't drinking, I was extremely quiet and very, very much in a kind of a corner type person. And after a few drinks, my gosh, I was right out there in the middle performing and, and having a great time. And so I really enjoyed drinking. In fact, it got to the point when I was later in college that I drank all the time. I drank as soon as I could in the morning because I could no longer go to school or do the normal things that everybody else did during the day without having a drink. I couldn't go to a grocery store without having a few drinks because I knew that, you know, I'd get in the middle of a store and this panic would hit me.
And I just knew that, that I would do something wrong or I'd be the one that would knock over the display rack or something, you know. And I usually did these things when I, when I wasn't drinking. You know, I was just so concerned and so self-centered that, you know, I wouldn't even see when I was pushing my car to run over people. So drinking for me was really, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. But it didn't take too many years until it started to really have its, its bad effects too. I had, during one of my geographical moves, I had, I was doing an internship in a state hospital in Minnesota.
[00:50:16]
And met the, that's where I met my husband. He was working there then too. And during, we were married nine months then before I got to the program of AA. My husband was in the program though not sober at the time. And that's something else I'd like to say. Off and on during my, my life, I, I knew what AA, well I didn't know what it was but I'd heard of it. My, my dad had been in the program off and on though he never really stayed until a few years ago. And so I didn't know much about it. I, I really didn't think that not drinking was something that you did. I just thought that you continued to drink, you just learned how to do it better.
The other thing I, I can remember was one time I found, and this is something that was not discussed openly in our home. I never, ever remember hearing the word alcoholism or alcoholic being used. Though I knew what drunk was from probably the time I was about two or three years old. But I remember one time I had found in my dad's truck, I found his 12×12 and I picked this up. It didn't have a dust jacket on it so I didn't, at the time I didn't know what the name of it was. And I picked this book up and I was about to thumb through this book to see what it was all about because I was really curious. And my mother grabbed it out of my hands real quick and I thought, aha, there's got to be something about sex in that book.
And so I was really glad when I got here and somebody gave me a 12×12. But I was really disappointed. Well, not really. Anyways, during that first nine months of our marriage we really didn't have much of a honeymoon so to speak. I ran away from my husband three times. And I always thought I was a very mature, capable individual and I can remember on Thanksgiving of that year my husband and I were having an argument about two o'clock in the morning over cooking a turkey or a pie or something.
The in-laws were coming and I can remember that feeling of just really wanting to drink and not being able to because I knew that these people were coming the next day. And I can remember this horrendous fight we had and I was throwing pots and pans and kicking doors and stuff. And I'd like you to know that since coming to Alcoholics Anonymous I haven't found it necessary to throw pots and pans either.
And a lot of good things have happened here. But this was about the time when drinking really became out of control for me. I could no longer control once I had a drink what was going to happen or how much I was going to drink. Before that there had been times where things bad would really happen and I would maybe quit for a month or two until the heat was off. And now I was to the point where I couldn't do that no more. That control that I thought I had was just gone.
And the next two months were just really a nightmare for me in the drinking because it also no longer worked. Every time I drank for the effect to feel good and to feel a part of it just wasn't there anymore. And it didn't matter how much I drank all I got was sick. And I can remember spending New Year's Eve of that year sick and passed out on the bathroom floor by 5.30 in the afternoon. And I spent the entire night there. And I can remember at the time feeling so, at the time even I was still so blind to what was wrong with me. Because I can remember as I would come through during the night and be sick I was sure that what was really wrong with me was that I had cancer in the stomach.
And that everybody was going to be so sorry that they had treated me so bad when I died. Or when they woke up and found me dead on the floor the next morning. But that wasn't the case. It still wasn't dawning on me that what was happening is that when you drink too much you get sick. I'm not one of the bright ones around here I guess. And that was really my last big drunk was New Year's Eve. But it wasn't until January 28th of that year 1978 that I came to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now I knew a little more about it by that time because I was a member of Al-Anon.
[00:55:11]
And I'm very grateful that they allowed me to sit in on your meetings because I really was rather obnoxious. They were talking about things like detaching with love. And I'm thinking that these people really need me because you don't sit there and keep your mouth shut. You have to get up there and fight, throw things. That was the way I'd always lived. And I couldn't understand when they were talking about love and tolerance of patients. And all I knew how to do was fight. And that was just second nature to me. But I'm very grateful that they allowed me to sit in those meetings because I really think that it added, I think this is good, it added a little bit to that inner confusion and turmoil that I was feeling at the time.
And I think it just helped get me to the program of AA that much sooner. You know they never yelled at me and they never asked me to leave a meeting when I was being kind of loud. And I'll always be grateful for that. I'm sure they were glad when I got in the right program though. And I, that morning that I, I'll tell you to this day I don't remember. All I remember on the morning of January 28th, I was just sitting on the edge of the bed and I had the telephone in my hand and I had just told a friend that I knew was in AA, I just told her everything.
And I don't remember if I called her or if she called me and I don't know why I told her. All I knew was I just told her everything. And I just, I thought my God what did I do that for? You know, what did I tell her about my drinking for? And I'll never forget what she said to me. She told me that, she left the door open for me to leave this deal. She said if you'll, she says, I don't know, she says, your drinking sounds a lot like what I went through before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. She says that I don't know if you've got a problem or not. She says maybe you'd like to attend a meeting with me tonight.
And she says if you are an alcoholic and you like what you hear, that's fine, you can attend meetings if you wish. She says if you're not, she says I'll never mention it again. In fact, you don't even have to tell people your name. And if she hadn't have told me that, I never would have come. I just, I wouldn't have come. But she left the door open so that I could leave. And I'll always be very grateful for her to that. And I went to that meeting that night. And I'll never forget it. As they went around the room and they talked, they were talking about things that all my life I'd tried to keep hidden. You know, all that, all that, all those awful feelings that are inside of, the feelings of not being a part of, the feelings of guilt and the remorse.
And, you know, and the fears of blackouts and what we did and where we were and what we said to people. And I don't know about you, but I was always, when I was drunk, I just became one of the mouthiest people I know. And I was always saying the wrong thing or, you know, just too much and insulting people and loud and boisterous. And I always felt real bad the next day. And I was one of these, especially when I was in college, I was surrounded by these other girls in the dormitory who were, I think they all belonged in Al-Anon or something. But they, I'd get up in the morning and I'd hate going down to take a shower because they'd be standing there and they'd give me, they'd just tell me everything I said and did the night before.
And I just, you know how it is, there's part of you that wants to know and then there's part of you that doesn't want to know, too. And that's how it was every morning. I just dread finding out what I did or what I said the night before. And that's what they talked about that night. And I remember feeling, I remember getting about halfway through that meeting just getting real excited and I suddenly realized, well now I know what's wrong with me. I'm an alcoholic. And I remember I wanted to talk and they wouldn't let me. You know, and that's kind of how it was in the beginning. They just told me to, you know, take the cotton out of my ears and stuff it in my mouth and listen for a while.
Cotton out of my ears and stuff in my mouth and listened for a while, and I did that. You know, and I'll also be grateful for the… They told me three things at that meeting that night that have been just the whole basis of my sobriety.
[01:00:02]
They told me, one, to don't drink, and two, to read the big book, and… I guess it was four things. Three, get a sponsor, and four, go to meetings. And I did those things, and it started to work for me. And, you know, I was sure after I got here, you know how it is, we were sober for about a month, and then suddenly we know that we're going to be the exception to this deal. And I was sure I was going… that it wasn't always… it wasn't going to work for me, but it did, just a little bit at a time.
And it's just been amazing. You know, this person that never seemed to ever be able to fit in, and I suddenly just had this one place in my life, my AA meeting, that AA group, where I just fit in. And, you know, I've always been just so amazed when I'm asked to do something in this program. And it's just how I felt when I got the letter to come here, or, you know, to ask me to speak here today. I just… I couldn't believe that they were asking me to do this.
You know, I would have been just as happy if I would have got a letter, and they asked me, would you like to make coffee? Oh, yeah! You know, I just love doing things for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, I had mentioned earlier that I had run away from my husband three times during our first nine months of marriage, and I'd like to say today that I'm still married to that same man today.
And we've been married for over eight years now, and that's something that, you know, that has nothing to do with me. I know that there's a God working in my life. In fact, if you'll indulge me for a minute, I'd like Larry to stand up there so you can all see him. You know, I've always felt that it's one thing, you know, when we go to our meetings, and, you know, if we go on a daily basis, or if we go, you know, every other day, or how many you go to for a week, you know, is my sponsor doesn't have to live with me.
The people in my aid group, they don't have to live with me. He's had to live with me on a daily basis since then, so he knows what it's really like. There's one other thing I'd like to say. You know, I mentioned to you that I grew up in an alcoholic home. I'd like to tell you that nine months after I got into the program of AA, my father entered a treatment center, and he's been sober in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous ever since.
And then on January 25th of 1984, it was, I got a phone call, and one of my brothers, 20 years old, had just entered the fellowship. And last week, right before leaving for Montreal, another brother had just entered a treatment center, and they strongly encourage AA attendance, so he'll be joining us very soon. And because of all those things I've been given, and a husband who's sober and in the program today, I have felt the strong sense of having to give something back to this program.
And I'd been sober about three, almost four years, and I just, you know, you do all these things, and Nancy and I were talking about this before the meeting. You do, you know, you get involved in your group, and you serve as secretary, treasurer, and you make a lot of coffee, and you wash a lot of ashtrays and coffee cups, and there just seems that there's got to be something more. And for me, that more was to get involved in general services.
And I had been asked a couple years ago to serve as GSR of my group, and I'll always be very grateful that they asked me to do that. And since then, I've had the privilege of doing that, and then the privilege of serving as the district committee member for my district. And I just feel today that I've just got to keep giving something to this program, because I've gotten so very, very much. And I guess, to me, that's what this Loving Sober is all about.
As I've been running around the convention center, I can't believe the people that I know. You know, that some of them I know very well, and a few of them I've just noticed from their name tags that I've seen at other meetings, either around Texas, or I've also been very fortunate. I sobered up in Minnesota. My home state is Wisconsin. This is a bunch down here from Waukesha. In fact, that's where I did most of my drinking.
They have a couple breweries in that state. Good to be close to the source, you know. And then I've lived in South Dakota and North Dakota,
[01:05:02]
and then now in Texas, and we've been there for almost four years. And I've had the privilege of attending meetings in all these various states, and most of them we've lived in for some time, so I've belonged in several groups. And I just love it. The people are just really so much the same all over. It's just truly like a family. And, you know, for a person who grew up who really didn't have that close sense of family in the way that I used to know that some of my friends in high school did, you know, the families that went to reunions, and they talked about things with their parents.
I really didn't have that. There was always, and it wasn't the fault of, you know, I should say my parents. It was just that there was always so much turmoil, and there were so many problems that had to be dealt with that there wasn't time for all this other stuff. And today I've just gotten so much from Alcoholics Anonymous, the friends, the fellowship, and the people. And I am just so grateful to be here and to be alive, and I think I'm getting sane, or saner today.
At least it feels like it's at times. There's just not really words to describe the change in my life, but I'm sure for those of you who are in the fellowship you know exactly what I mean. And I guess I don't know if I've talked too long or not, but I'd just like to thank you for being here and really for all of you for what I've been given. Thank you very much. Thank you. I'd like for Susan and Jeff and Gene to stand, and let's give them another round of applause.