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Source: 1985 Montreal International Convention – Multi Speakers – CAME TO BELIEVE Came To Believe – RS 06403.mp3 File: 1985-montreal-international-convention-multi-speakers-came-to-believe-came-to-believe-rs-06403.mp3 Duration: 01:10:57
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Number one is to ask for a moment of silence and gratitude for the 50th AA anniversary of Alcoholics Anonymous. Thank you. The anonymity tradition is as follows. There may be some here who are not familiar with our tradition of personal anonymity at the public level. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion. We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, TV, and film.
Thus we respectfully ask that no AA speaker or indeed any AA member be identified by his full name or photograph and published or broadcast reports of our meeting. The assurance of anonymity is essential in our effort to help other problem drinkers who may wish to share their recovery program with us. And our tradition of anonymity reminds us that AA principles come before personalities. I don't have any current announcements up here except that the tapes of this meeting will be available at the tape sales booth in the convention center.
And this meeting is a Came to Believe is the name of this session. And now that we've got Herb from Hawaii, he's got all his kissing and hugging done, we can get on with the meeting. Our first speaker is Sister Pat W. from New Jersey. Please help me welcome her. Good morning. My name is Pat and I'm a grateful recovering alcoholic. I will begin as I always do with a very brief poem from William Butler Yeats, or Yates, depending on where you're from.
He was an Irish poet famous for his long narratives. This was virtually unknown. And it says, you have taken the east from me and the west from me. You have taken what is before me and what is behind me. You have taken the moon from me and the sun from me. And my fear is great that you have taken God from me. Had I the time or the wit or the talent, I could have penned those words at the end of my own road of active addiction to alcohol.
Particularly the last two. And my fear is great that you have taken God from me. So that you know how I came to believe I am the youngest child of an Irish Catholic family. We were a family who were not of a great deal of material means. My mother and father were both immigrants who came to this country to work very hard and to sacrifice to give us what they didn't have. I hope this morning that they know that they gave us much more than anything money could have bought.
They gave us a faith. They gave us a set of values. They gave us many, many wonderful things. Drinking was a positive experience in our home. My father drank only Boilermakers. It didn't make his life unmanageable and subsequently didn't make ours. My mother was one of ten children. Seven of those children never drank and she was one of them. The three who did, it caused utter disaster in their lives.
So I believe this morning, without hesitation, that no matter where my life would have gone, that once I picked up that drink, I would use it and ultimately abuse it. Because I do believe that whatever it was that was on my mother's side and on my father's side, I also have. One talks about their early years and, again, I have to say that most of mine were positive being the youngest. Perhaps that colored it a little bit.
I went to school without any great difficulty. I remember being in high school in the fifties and I came to believe that the Fonz was alive and well and living in our neighborhood.
[00:05:07]
I loved it. I loved all the social aspects of it. I loved the proms. And somewhere in there, I believe I had my first drink. I worked for Blue Cross Blue Shield of New York and it was customary to cash your check on Thursday evenings in the Silver Slipper on Lexington Avenue, I think. And I remember cashing my check with everyone else, taking a drink, perhaps two, going home, consequently getting sick and attributing that illness to the hot subway ride and the very warm weather. It was the summer.
There was no drinking history because there was no drinking. The following September, I was to enter the Dominican congregation of Our Lady of the Rosary, of which I am still a member. And I also have come to believe through the goodness of God and the grace of this program that I have never regretted that decision. I have often felt very unworthy of it. But today I think I can say with some practicality and reality, the decision was good.
My early years were spent in my own formal education and in teaching. And again, no drinking history just because there wasn't any drinking. It was the time in the fifties when rules were rules and one was asked to keep them or move on. I really never tried to explain our church. To those of you that know it, no explanation is necessary. To those of you that don't, no explanation will do. Thank you.
Again, those early years were spent with a minimal amount of drinking. Vatican II came along and some of our rules relaxed. And again, I've come to believe that I relaxed with them. I must say to you this morning, especially for the newcomer, that my history may not be yours. But I hope you will understand my feelings. My history of saying to you that there wasn't much of a drinking history simply means that it caused me to stay in massive denial for a long, long time.
The controls were outside of me. Left to my own devices, I believe I would be dead from this illness today. I would have drunk in a manner that this disease would have demanded. There were people in my life who cared. At that particular time, I wasn't sure that I would have used those words. I wasn't sure that I would have used those words. But I do believe that it was care and concern that had people force me to go to see the people who were in charge of me.
On January 13, 1971, at 11.45 a.m., I was called to the office of my mother general. You will notice I know that date better than I know the Civil War. She was a very kind woman. She was also a no-nonsense woman. And she said, Patricia, I'm very worried about you. I'm afraid you're drinking too much. And I said, Mother, no more than anyone else. She said, well, whatever the case may be, dear, I think you really have to see someone.
I don't know anything about alcoholism. I don't even know if that's what you have. I don't know if you've been working too hard, but you look dreadful. And she said, I will see that you get to see someone. I don't know who at the moment. She was true to her word. She said to me at that moment, go down to New York City and stay with Sister Patricia Ann. Sister Patricia Ann and I have been friends for 28 years.
And when I walked into her office, she said, how did it go? And I said, it was okay. She said, Mother was very concerned about my health. She was worried that I was working too hard. You notice my alcoholism, don't you? And she then said, and I'm afraid you may be drinking too much.
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And Patricia Ann, without hesitation, said to me, sit down. You must be relieved. Four years later, I was to learn that she turned me in. I wasn't relieved, she was. We set about going. Mother was true to her word, she called. And she said, Patricia, I have a favor to ask of you. Once again, as the fellow says in The Godfather, she made me an offer I couldn't refuse. She said, we will go down to New York City.
She said, I have found a doctor who knows a great deal about alcoholism. And she said, I have one favor to ask of you. Please don't wear your habit. And I said, okay. Now you must understand that this was one of the first times I had been out of my habit in a long time. And I don't look too bad this morning. Things match a little bit. But to put together a little outfit for us, my hair was shorter than it is now.
Because of purposes of hygiene. And it was January, as you recall. And I remember putting on a sailor dress. There was a scoop neck, so we had to cover that, and we put a scarf through it. We then proceeded to cover my hair with a wig. And my black Oxfords. And I still was in denial. We went to the sixth floor of the Henry Hudson Hotel. There I was to meet a very wonderful doctor, who was very astute.
Knew the exact questions to ask. And she said, Pat, I have a question for you. And I met a wonderful doctor, who was very astute. Knew the exact questions to ask. And she said, Pat, do you like to drink with people who drink like you? And I said, no more than anyone else. She said, do you drink at a certain time of the day? I said, no more than anyone else. She said, do you have your own private supply?
I said, no more than anyone else. She said, are your father and mother alive? I said, no more than anyone else. She tagged me immediately. She told me very beautifully that I probably needed AA. I didn't know what that was. And then she told me, very succinctly, about the 12 steps. Perhaps I needed 90 meetings in 90 days. And somewhere I said to her, I think they want me to go away. She said, well, why don't we talk about it?
Mother came into the office with Sister Patricia Ann. And whenever Mother got nervous, she whispered. At one point, all four of us were whispering. I got to go away. But unfortunately for me, I did not come to believe. I didn't come to believe because I do believe this morning that coupled with my disease of alcoholism, I also suffer from the disease of entitlement to alcohol. And from the illusion of immunity, this couldn't happen to me.
It was already happening. I didn't come to believe then because of the massive denial that was operative in my life. I came home from that treatment center, and it was inevitable that I would drink. I came home from that treatment center, and it was inevitable that I would drink. I have found alcoholism to be very predictable despite its unpredictability. It makes promises, and it keeps promises. And it made a few to me, and it kept them to me.
Fortunately for me, I lived with 15 women who were as determined that I would recover as I was determined that they were foolish and foolhardy to think I had to drink. Fortunately for me, I lived with 15 women who were as determined that I would recover as I was determined that they were foolish and foolhardy
[00:15:01]
to think I had alcoholism. Somewhere in one of your wonderful meetings I heard that vodka didn't smell. God help me. That's about all I heard. And I remember coming home and buying a bottle of vodka and hiding it. And I remember going through the rituals of the evening and as I was going to my room I went to pick up the bottle of vodka and it wasn't there. You've had that happen. You will understand my dismay and that's a polite word.
I went to my room at about 10.30 that evening. We lived on the fifth floor of a school and I thought maybe I better go down and see. Perhaps I had made a mistake. So at 10.30 I went down through doors that seemed to creak and I went directly to where I had placed the bottle. I had not been drinking so I was not in a blackout. And I went into the room and sure enough the paper bag was there. I would like to say to you that I believe in miracles.
I think all we have to do is look around Montreal and look in this room and we have miracles. I publicly professed to follow the miracle worker but this was more than I could handle. When I lifted the paper bag it was heavier than when I had put it there. When somebody saw me hide the bottle they went directly to Patricia Ann and said Pat is about to drink again. Pat went directly to the phone, called the doctor and the doctor again and her wisdom said will you please let her know that it's alcoholism.
It is not responsibility. It's not pressure. It's not anything. It's alcoholism. Stop throwing away the alcohol. Now these good people wanted me to know in a hurry that it was alcoholism. So when I lifted the paper bag it was heavier. When I opened it there were three bottles of vodka. Now you understand I couldn't do anything about that because they knew that I knew and I knew that they knew. I walked to the top of the stairwell, met Patricia Ann and she said hi.
And I said hi, I know that I'm sick but God knows there are people in this house much sicker. For two years I lived a lie from 71 to 73 and I don't mean just telling lies. I mean living the lie. I got up each morning and put on a habit and tried to go out and preach the good news of salvation. When inside I had become angry and resentful, full of self-pity, why me? The hypocrisy was unbelievable, the guilt was overwhelming and the only way I knew how to get rid of both those kinds of feelings was to take another drink.
And as predictable as alcoholism is, that one drink led to two and then to many times a drunk. So it was predictable that I would drink again on September 29th 1973 and I heard about compulsion, your compulsion. I read about it but I had not experienced it. But alcoholism is progressive and it promises and it promised compulsion and it gave it. I was to drink on the 29th and I was the kind of drinker who could stop.
Prided myself on that, part of my great denial but I was unable to stop drinking. I remember Patricia Ann and Mary Gray coming into my room and saying, Patricia please stop drinking and I said I will and I meant it and I wanted to and I couldn't. I remember going down to the chapel that morning for prayers and for mass and somehow once again by the grace of God I came to believe that this disease was more powerful than I was.
And I gave Patricia Ann my keys and said I can't do it.
[00:20:04]
They called our mother house and people came to see whether I needed to be buried or to be sent away again. And fortunately for me they sent me away again. For a longer period of time I went to a place where I should have signed in for six weeks because that was for straight alcoholism. And I remember the dear woman who said to me, I said why is it 12 weeks? I only drank alcohol and she said church people are hard nuts to crack.
So my moment of truth was over and I said I'll stay away from her because she's probably a bigot. I would like to tell you that I stayed 12 weeks, I didn't, I stayed five and a half months because I have come to believe often and with a great deal of clarity that my illusion of immunity and my disease of entitlement were in the way of my acceptance of the enormity of this illness, what it had done to my life and how unmanageable not only my life but I had become.
In the second step when it talks about the insanity of my illness, it wasn't the things that I did when I was drinking. The insanity of my illness was manifested in the fact that everything that I loved was becoming unimportant. Everything I had promised was second to getting that drink. I have come to believe today that unless I start my day by acknowledging my powerlessness over alcohol or any other kind of mood or mind-changing chemical that I'm already in trouble.
I've come to believe that I will drink again when I am first emotionally drunk. I have come to believe that that illusion of immunity and disease of entitlement are very strong. I have come to believe in the words cunning, baffling and powerful because my experience of me was that I too became cunning, baffling and powerful. As soon as I ingested the chemicals. I have come to believe in that word care in the third step.
I've come to understand the care of my higher power. I've come to understand his mercy and compassion and forgiveness and understanding. And so it isn't so difficult for me to believe that I can turn my life and my will over to his care each day. Not to the jurisdiction of, not to the vindictiveness of, not to the judgment of, but to the care of. And I've come to believe the necessity of knowing the gifts and the blessings that this higher power has given to me.
Alcoholism totally submerged those things. I had not only received those gifts for myself, but had publicly said I would use them for other people. In my act of addiction that wasn't possible. And so today I am grateful for those gifts and blessings. And I am more and more aware each and every day of the many shortcomings, the many character defects, whatever you choose to call them, that are operative in my life.
But what this program has taught me and what people like yourselves have taught me is that a day at a time I can live with Pat Walsh. Because if I can't live with Pat Walsh, I know what will happen. I have come to believe that it is necessary for me to tell often my God, myself, and somebody else the exact nature of my wrongs. And I've come to believe that it's easy enough to ask my higher power to remove my character defects.
It's not hard to give them over anymore. I've come to believe that amends is to make right. That there are many people that I meet each and every day that I owe amends to. And I've come to believe that seeking my higher power, whom I choose to call God through prayer and meditation, makes the day very livable. I also know that practicing these steps offers me some sort of spiritual awakening each day.
[00:25:06]
And by the grace of God in this program, I find it not only a privilege, but a great joy to carry this message to other people and to try to practice these principles in all my affairs. I've come to believe in the promises of this program on pages 83 and 84. I have come to know a new freedom and a new peace. I have come to believe that no matter how far down the scale I've gone, that my experience will benefit somebody else.
And believe me, when my mortgage payments are due, I have come to believe that God can do for me what I can't do for myself. But most importantly, I have learned and have come to believe that living each day one day at a time takes risk. And I leave you with that word, or the words of Bette Midler in The Untimely Death of Janis Joplin from Drugs and Alcohol. And they perhaps say it much better than I could.
And it says, it's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance. It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes a chance. It's the one who won't be taken, who cannot seem to give. And it's the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live. So when your night has been too lonely and the road has been too long, and you think that love and sobriety are for the lucky and the strong, just remember in the winter, far beneath the bitter snows, lies the seed that with the sun's love in the spring becomes the rose.
To each of you today, I wish and I pray that we will all come to believe those things that we all need faith to believe. As I look out at some of the faces in this room, I see people who believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. I see people who loved me when I couldn't love myself. And I thank you for that. And I hope that our silence and our noise will be heard throughout the world so that people will know, indeed, there is a place to come and believe that there is hope for us.
God bless you. Thank you, Sister Pat. Our next speaker on Came to Believe is my very good friend Herb W. from Hawaii. Please help me welcome Herb. Thank you very much, Herb. Aloha! Are there any television camera or reporters present? Hearing none, I'll give you my full name. My name is Herb Weatherwax. I am an alcoholic. It so happened I came all the way from the paradise of the Pacific to come to this convention.
I might sound a little funny to you because I don't speak English like most people do. But then, on the other hand, it could be that you don't listen the way that you should. So with that, I'll get started. You know, my friends, I have come to believe that everything that has happened in my life was meant to be. In my life was meant to be a good and a bad. To bring me right at this point on this podium where I'm at. Had anything changed in my life, I would never have been here. And I want you to think about it yourself.
[00:30:20]
I came out here, I think, on the most wonderful way. I came over from Hawaii, from Honolulu to Montreal by AA. And I'm standing here at an AA meeting speaking to you AA people at an AA convention. And after this is over, I'll be going back home on a AA carrier, American Airlines. You know, I'd like to tell you a story. And I hope that you can relate to it. Many, many years ago, I'd say about 50 years ago, I came. I made a friend among my many, many friends. And this friend, Alfonso.
You know, he was to stay with me for the rest of my life. But I didn't realize it at the time. Alfonso was a great teacher. He was to take me along my life pathway and show me what life was about. He was an inspiration to me. Where at one time, I just didn't have any inspiration. And I found that I had to rely on Alfonso. Alfonso was good to me at the beginning. He showed me the very, very different experiences that I would have never had had I never got to know him.
As time went by, he got better and better. You know, it was through Alfonso's leadership that I was able to know what prison jails were. If it wasn't for Alfonso, I would never have known the inside of a jail. You know, Alfonso showed me how to get along in a padded cell. And I don't think too many of you have had that experience. So this is the reason why I'm mentioning this, that I've gained quite a lot of experience that many of you have never had and you may have wished that you had.
I had the experience of being in a lockup in a drunk tank, raving mad. Alfonso was on the side just watching me and nodding his head, telling me that was the right thing that I was doing. I remember a time when Alfonso was with me when I was driving home one night. And somehow or another, I got distracted. I don't know why. Maybe I closed my eyes too long. And I ran into a parked car. And Alfonso smiled at me. He said, that's the right thing to do. And somehow or another, as time went by, Alfonso was with me and somehow or another, I figured that he was good company. I enjoyed him.
But then there came a period in my life that I met a beautiful young lady and we fell in love and got married. Now there was competition for Alfonso. He was my best friend. Now I got a wife. Alfonso didn't like that very much because he didn't have my company. And a year, just about a year after that, we had a little daughter. And Alfonso was still around, shared in our family and just didn't want to let go.
But there came a day in my life that I had to make a choice whether to have Alfonso as a friend or my family with me as a friend.
[00:35:14]
So on January the 13th, 1955, I came home with a package in my hand. I walked into my bedroom, fell on my knees, cried, and asked God for help. You see, Alfonso had such a hold on me, I just couldn't get away from it. But I'd like to tell you, at that moment that I asked God for help, somehow or another, that bond that was between Alfonso and I was broken. I lost the desire for Alfonso's friendship. The compulsion that I had in me was released. I asked my wife to call Alcoholics Anonymous, which she did.
The following day, I had a decency not to have her call at night. Somehow or another, I had a little decency then, and she did call Alcoholics Anonymous. The following morning, there was another person on the phone on the other end that asked me a question. I asked her a question. Does he want… He wanted for himself. And my wife said, yes. Well, he said, call him to the phone. Let him speak for himself, which I did, and he asked me a usual question. Are you still drinking? Have you any booze in the house? Do you desire sobriety? And I told him, yes.
At that time, the road from Honolulu to Kailua was a long, long drive, an hour drive. And I was so impressed by this person who was an engineer that had a high position in Honolulu in the business. To have him come all the way over to my home and speak with me. He brought the big book over and explained what Alcoholics Anonymous was about. Then he told me the meeting was to be held on Sunday morning.
And if I could get there, I told him, yes, I could, which I did. On January the 15th, I attended my first AA meeting. But this is the thing that stood, stands in my mind, that when I walked into that meeting, there was a gentleman there with his hand extended to me. And he said, I'm Bill. And my response was, I'm Herb. I didn't realize at the time that was the best introduction that was ever made. It has been embedded in my mind that that was the first impression and the best impression. And that I didn't realize it then at the time that I was to go out and extend my hand to everyone that I meet.
And I have done that ever since then. And that's well over 30 years ago. And I hope to continue to do that until the day the good Lord call me over. Now, at the time, we had old timers. I was a young man at that time. But I was 37 and I felt very, very old. I was unhappy, miserable. And as time went back, you can see that what has happened to me after 30 years, I'm young, I'm happy. There's such a transformation that has taken place.
[00:40:11]
We did have, at that time, the group was just about 10 people in Hawaii that was making the program. I think there were about 30 altogether that was on the program, but about 20 of those 30 were still out experimenting. And I think things haven't changed yet. I remember a few people, like the chief. Of course, we used to be around, I'll never forget him. We had one of the members then by the name of Al.
And Al was our coffee maker. And you know, Al would never relinquish his coffee making job, although he was afflicted with cancer. And he knew that he was dying. But he was out there faithfully making our coffee until the day he died. And this was the kind of dedication we had at the very beginning. Most, all of them are gone now. Because, as I say, I was a young man. They were old men then. And time have caught up with me.
I got involved in, I couldn't help but get involved in service work from the very, very beginning. Because I got carried away with Alcoholics Anonymous. I got carried away with this program, the enthusiasm that came within me to carry the message. We needed meetings on that side of the island. We had nobody then. Finally, we just managed through imports from the mainland that came over to the Kailua area, and especially through the Marine Corps Air Station.
We got together and started our meetings at our homes first. We had no place to meet. And then we found that we had to get away from our homes because the meetings started to get bigger and bigger. And it has continued to grow since then. It's been getting bigger and bigger and bigger. I'd like to mention that Hawaii, in Hawaii, it has grown tremendously. At the beginning, when I came in, there were only two groups. One of them was the central group. It was a closed group. Just imagine.
And they just catered to the lawyers and doctors and ministers and priests and people of that caliber. There weren't too many street people, many people like me, ordinary people that went to the meetings. But the Aloha group that I got to was the first open meeting. They welcomed everybody. And that is the way it was to be. I'd like to say that Aloha group is still going strong, still going strong.
I think it is the oldest meeting place that has had continuous meetings ever since the beginning. And I've never taken the time out to start to calculate and figure out how long that is or how many meetings have taken place. The central group has moved over to the halfway house. And they cater to the people that are coming in to the program that are sick and need a place to go to. So they have two purposes there.
I'd like to say today everything is beautiful for me. I have three children that are grown. Children that are grown, but four wonderful grandchildren. I'm pretty sure all our grandparents think their grandchildren are wonderful and beautiful, and I am no exception to that.
[00:45:08]
And I'm retired now. I've had the good fortune to somehow or another maneuver my son into taking over my business. And if you don't think that's quite a Paris chair, you try it sometimes. It's been a beautiful life, a wonderful life. And as I say at the beginning, it was meant to be. This is the way it was meant to be. I have beautiful friends out here. I even brought my cheering section out here from Hawaii. And my many, many other friends that I have met.
They shared a different kind of drinking history. And it's so important there are as many drinking patterns as there are people in this room. And it's always important for me to share my drinking pattern. And hear Pat share hers and Herb share his. Drinking allowed me to be what I couldn't be any other way. It allowed me to escape the value system that I grew up with. It allowed me to do the things that I wanted to do and knew deep down inside wasn't okay for me to do. It allowed me to not be afraid, to be able to mix with the people. For me to stand here in front of this body of people, and this is a body of people, is a miracle. I guess for me the promise that means most to me is that the fear of people will leave us. And it has left me to a degree. I'm still afraid of people and I still don't mix well with people. But it is truly a miracle for me to be able to stand here and look out among these people and know that you all are more like me than we are different. That we all have different stories and my accent is different than Herb's and my accent is different than Pat's but our feelings are the same. And I'm grateful for that today. From that moment that I shared with you, I didn't want a God.
I wanted there to not be a God. I spent a lot of time convincing myself that there was no God. I spent a lot of time convincing myself that religion and God was for the masses and I could do it myself. It seems often through the years, through the drinking years, that I would from time to time catch myself in a prayer of God help me. And immediately after saying that prayer I'd say, oh why did you do that? You know, and this is all dialogue in my own head. Nobody was listening to me. But I didn't want to hear me praying because I was sure that if there was a God, he was laughing, that I would be silly enough to pray to him. And that was the way I felt about God. So when the end of my drinking came and I was beginning to think that maybe I was alcoholic, I certainly didn't know that I was going to have to find a relationship with God when I came here. Herb shared about his wife calling Alcoholics Anonymous. Pat shared about her sisters and their talking to her about her drinking. I have a friend who says, Deanna, you should write a book on how you conducted your own intervention. There was no one around me saying you're drinking too much. I had isolated myself from my family enough that no one really knew what was going on in my life. I had a daughter, at that time she was 10 years old, she's 17 now, and she had grown up with me drinking the way I drank. So to her, her mother drank normally. Her mother drank like her mother drank. And to her that was normal drinking. So there wasn't anyone around nudging me to do something about my drinking. I was divorced from the time she was 2 years old. So there was no husband. Nobody in my life. I didn't have a male-female relationship close enough for them to be concerned about my drinking because
[00:50:01]
usually their drinking problem was worse than mine. That's another thing that kept me drinking for a long time was they were always bigger than me and always a little older than me and they could always drink more than me. So how could I have a problem when they were drinking a lot more than me? So that kept me going for a while. I want to share with you a little more about my drinking before I start talking about that last year or so. I was 21 years old and attempted suicide 2 times. And I was close to my family then and they didn't know what to do with me because you see as I said nobody was nudging me saying, you know, you're drinking too much. What I was doing too much was I was not doing what I was supposed to do. I always felt that if I had been more responsible, if I had worked harder, if I had been a better mother, everything would be okay. I have 3 older sisters and an older brother and all 4 of them are very successful. And my older brother and sister just older than me went away to college and worked their way through college. And one was salutatorian and one was valedictorian in high school and all that stuff and I didn't do any of that. Mine was totally different. So I always felt well if I could just do what I'm supposed to do, get through college, make more money, do a better job with this child, I'll be okay. So I was in college for 11 years. And I have a real colorful transcript. I really enrolled with a boom. You know, I enrolled in 18 hours and by the end of the semester I'd have 9 left and, you know, and I have A's and F's and I have drops and adds. And that pretty much colors the whole history for me. But that's what I always did. When I got in trouble, when the drinking got rough, things got bad, I thought well the problem is I need to go back to school. So I'd go back to school again and try to get more responsible.
I appreciated Herb's comments about everything that ever happened to him was all about coming to this podium. And I shook my head. I'm a head shaker. Because that's true for me. Everything that ever happened in my life is all about bringing me to this point today. The last time I went back to college, for some reason, I don't know what I was going to, I changed majors a lot too. You know, when you go back to college as often as I do, you change majors a lot. And I went back to school that time and I enrolled in a course called Drug Abuse.
They talked about alcoholism in there. I diagnosed my boyfriend as alcoholic in that class. And the woman who taught that class, I wish that I could tell you that she's a member of this fellowship but she's not. And I believe today that that was all about God putting me in that classroom and she was all about getting me to here and whatever that's about I don't understand it all. I mentioned the suicide attempt earlier and I didn't finish my point I want to back up to it. The last time I attempted suicide, I almost succeeded. I took a huge amount of sleeping pills in a blackout. Woke up from a blackout just long enough to take a huge amount and went in and laid down in my bed in my mother's house. And I remember laying there thinking, Dianne, if you go to sleep you won't wake up. And I mean I'd just come out of a blackout long enough to do that. And I got up and got dressed and started out of that house and my mother said, where are you going? And I said, I'm going to the hospital to have my stomach pumped. And I did. I don't remember the drive there, don't remember anything about it, but I almost died. And after about three days of being unconscious, I woke up and was very, very sick, but I gave myself credit. It was my will to live that saved me that time. I think of that often today and I think about where my life was and I know today that it was not my will. I know that there's no reason for me to have lived except God was saving me for something. And that's just one more of the steps along the way. And it's several years down the road before this woman came into
[00:55:05]
my life who taught me about alcoholism. A woman who knows as much about alcoholism as anybody I know, but is unable to apply it in her own life. From that course, there were two or three other courses and there was, as I said, I diagnosed my boyfriend. I didn't diagnose myself right away, but I began to research this disease and find out as much about it as I could. And in May of 1978, I went to the state AA convention, the Oklahoma state AA convention in disguise as an Al-Anon.
Now, I need to tell you that I turned myself in to Al-Anon six months ago and I claimed to be a member of Al-Anon today, but I didn't then. I went to some Al-Anon meetings and I used to worry about, my God, what am I going to tell them if I have to qualify myself? And I knew that the only requirement for membership in Al-Anon was to be a friend or family of an alcoholic. And I really didn't think I had that many friends that were alcoholic at the time and everyone I claimed as a friend was probably. And I didn't think I had any family members. And at that time, I guess I didn't. So I felt like I was lying going in to qualify. And I'd sit in those meetings and the steps on the wall meant nothing. And the Al-Anon meeting would be in one room and the AA meeting was next door. And it was Thursday night meeting in Oklahoma city at the Western Club and they celebrate birthdays there and they get loud and noisy. I just got off the track again. I wondered what you were doing in the AA meeting, but I couldn't dare go over there and look. Back at the state convention, I heard an Al-Anon speak at that state convention and something she said touched my heart. And I left that room in tears and I couldn't listen to the rest of what she had to say that day. And I went to the room and I got drunk as an Al-Anon at the state AA convention.
And I stayed in the room. I didn't get out and mix around with you all. I wouldn't have dared do that. I'm always amazed at drunks who come to meetings drunk. I was too afraid to do that sort of thing. But from there, that was in May. And for the next several months, I kept score in my head. Am I alcoholic or am I not? There was no one close enough to me to say anything about my drinking. There were some people, there were a few people around me that were concerned, I found out later, about my alcoholism. But nobody close enough to say something to me. I went to work every day. I came to Alcoholics Anonymous with a lot of I-nevers. I had a job. I had a home. My credit was intact, in pretty good shape. I was in school, making good grades. All the outside things looked okay. But inside, you know, I was dead. Spiritually and emotionally, I was dead. And I'd come home every day then. I had given up going to bars and had again decided going back to school was the answer and not going out at night was the answer. And to be a better mother and be more responsible was the answer to my problems. It was never my drinking. I never made the connection between my drinking and the problems in my life. Just couldn't make that connection until the very, very end. And my life then was about coming home with this little kid, this 10-year-old kid, to an apartment that we lived in. We'd moved out of one place and into an apartment while a house was being completed. And I never unpacked. I don't know if any of you can relate to that, but I never bothered to hang a picture on the wall because, you know, we just weren't going to be there too long and it wasn't real important. Life was not very important. I wasn't very important. Nothing was very important but whether I was going to drink or not. And most days I drank. And some days I knew the scotch bottle was empty and I wouldn't go by the liquor store because I thought, I really don't have to drink today. And of course I got home and managed to doctor up the bourbon enough to go ahead and get it down. Once you get the first drink down, it doesn't matter what it is. Bourbon always had an icky smell to me. And so I'd get that first drink down of bourbon and then it didn't matter. So I I drank down a bourbon and then it didn't matter.
So I drank every day for that last 18 months. And it was the kind of drinking that is real hard work. You know, I didn't get drunk every night.
[01:00:00]
I worked really hard at maintaining just drinking enough to get by and cooking dinner and then falling into bed at just the right time. And that's really hard work, and I didn't always do it successfully. Often I found myself passed out or something totally bizarre was going on, you know, and it got totally out of hand. But that's the way my life was at the end of my drinking. I lived to watch Mayberry RFD at 5.30 in the afternoon, you know.
I watched it at 5.30 and then if you changed the channel at 6.30 you could catch it again. And then I watched Gomer Pyle. And those were my favorite shows, and that's what my life was about three months before I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. There's this little 10-year-old kid, and I was into food a lot the last of my drinking. I'm into it again now. But I'd plan things like, you know, huge dinners on Wednesday evening when this little kid needed to be in bed at 8.30 to go to school the next day.
I couldn't feed her dinner at 6.00 like most folks and put her to bed at 8.00 like most folks because my drinking, I had to be very, very careful to drink just enough and get dinner on just right and serve dinner at 8.00 or 8.30 so that I could feel just right and eat and then fall into bed. And her life wasn't most important, obviously. But that's the way life was near the end, and to say that I didn't have a God in my life would be an understatement.
I finally had that last drink that we all know about that I don't ever want to forget. And one of my friends that didn't have, I started to say the courage, but that would not be right for me to say. She didn't say to me, I think you're drinking too much. But I went to her that morning and said, I think I'm alcoholic. And she said, thank God. You've been drinking so long without a drink in your hand that I've wondered what to do.
And from there I went to a treatment center, and from there, of course, I went to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm grateful that I've not had a drink since December 3, 1978. I guess I did all the research I needed to do before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. I never tried to quit drinking before I went to treatment. I just knew it wasn't possible for me to live without alcohol. I got to treatment, and I took the first three steps in a very superficial way that first weekend, and I really did surrender my drinking.
I really did surrender as much as I was capable of surrendering at that time. And they talked about God a lot in that treatment center, and I cringed every time they did. And I thought, well, I know one thing. I can't do that anymore, so I'm going to have to do this. And that's exactly how I came into this program, is knowing that what was behind me was worse than what was in front of me. The known was worse than the unknown.
And if you all were going to talk about God, I would try to ignore it. You know, and I'd just try to sit here, and that's kind of what I did. And it was several months into the program that I cringed when I heard you talk about God, and I didn't want there to be a God. And then I finally got to a place where I thought, well, maybe I could ask about it. And you all told me to believe that you believed.
And that's how it began for me, was that I believed that you believed. And then you said another thing, fake it until you can make it. Act as if you believe. And I acted as if I believed. And I did come to believe in a power greater than myself. I believe in a God today that's a very different one than that one in my childhood. The God I have today is a lot different than the God I had four years ago, and a lot different than the God I had three years ago.
I finally have a very loving God. I still have a lot of the old tapes, the old punishing God, the old scorekeeping God. And I still am working on erasing those tapes, and I suppose I'll spend the rest of my life erasing those tapes, or a lot of them. But I'm grateful today to have the relationship with God that I have. I'm grateful to be able to stand here in front of you this morning and be proud of that and not be ashamed of it.
To be able to follow a sister on this program, you know, and feel good about that. And to be able to love you all and share with you all today.
[01:05:06]
It's just absolutely, I can't describe what it's like to stand up here and look out at these faces. Ninety-nine percent of you I don't know. There's some over here I haven't looked at that I know. But for me to come from where I came from and to stand here and share with you today is an absolute miracle for me. That's the God in my life. That's the God that lives within me. That tells you a little bit about how I came to believe.
Recently, in the last six months, I've come to believe in another area of my life. My life has been like I've heard it described so many times. It's like peeling an onion. There have been a lot of layers peeled since I first went to that treatment center and since I was first willing to say, I will at least not turn it off totally. I will at least listen. And that if this is what I have to do to do something different with my life, then I'll try it.
And that's exactly where I started in this journey, in this search for this God that I have today. In the last six months, I don't know, I've heard a lot of people say that the last place that you turn over your will in your life is in your checkbook. And for me, that's been true. Six months ago, I had a thriving business. And today, my business is not thriving at all. It's been a tremendous turnaround for me, for me personally.
And I feel okay about that today. And I know who's in charge of the whole deal. Apparently, my husband has a thriving business. I'm real grateful for that. But a few weeks ago, I said to my husband, it's okay, we have a new employer, remember? And he said, no honey, you have a new employer. I have the same employer I've had a long time. He's been in this program for 12 years and he learned that lesson, that layer he peeled off a long time ago.
But I'm grateful to say that there is one more area of my life where I have been able to turn my will and my life over to the care of God and understand that that is part of my life. And that I do today want to turn over every little area of my life to God. But it's been a little bit at a time, and it's been a layer at a time. And I look forward now to the next layer. And I look forward to the growth in this program.
And I know that you're going to make 50 years of sobriety. And I'm going to be with you. I want to thank you all again for allowing me to stand here and share with you and for letting me have this experience. And I want to say to Montreal, this is the most beautiful city I have ever been in. And our city at home, Oklahoma City, is I think my husband said we have about three-quarters of a million. I wasn't sure what our population is.
Of course, we're spread all over the plains. We're a huge city as far as mileage, but we don't have a lot of people. But this morning I got up and jogged without any fear at all in this city. And I don't do that at home in my own city. We came through New York, and I was a little apprehensive the whole time we were there. Just a little bit. Probably if I wasn't your basic country girl, I'd probably be more afraid than that if I hadn't been so naive.
But I have not once been frightened. The people here are friendly and welcomed us with just open arms. And I just love this city. I'd like to find out what your secret is and take it home. It's just beautiful. Thank you very much. Applause Thank you, Deanna. I wish to thank the General Service Office in New York for this privilege, and I wish to thank my speakers. And let's give them all another good hand.
I think they deserve it. Applause Now, if you would care to join me in the Lord's Prayer, we'll close this in the usual manner that I'm used to anyhow.
[01:10:00]
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Silence Come back without a drink, and if you have one, come back anyhow. Applause