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Source: 1975 Denver International Convention – 1975 Denver Int, To Hell with Traditions skit, Mary S Loretta L Mary R Michael S Mary P.mp3 File: 1975-denver-international-convention-1975-denver-int-to-hell-with-traditions-skit-mary-s-loretta-l-mary-r-michael-s-mary-p.mp3 Duration: 01:29:37
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Oh, sorry. We are now about three, four minutes late, and we have very valuable time here which is allocated. So, before, I don't know whether this, there's no light. Before really starting, there's a couple of announcements that I wanted to make. One is that the tickets, you can't hear. The tickets, nothing happened. There's something here that ought to plug into something, I think, but I don't know what it is.
Is this, is there a cord anywhere? It's over here. No, it isn't plugged in. Oh, not over there. Over there. Because I think this way. We have to get going. Is the greeter here? Can you hear me now? Bravo, bravo, we're off. Now, the first thing I wanted to tell you is that all the tickets to Laura's breakfast are sold, so there's no use looking for them anymore. There are a few tickets left for the picnic in the park, which will be available down in the, next to the hospital, where they're selling everything, in the mall.
The Delaware's luncheon tickets, there are a few left, and they will be on sale until 11 o'clock this morning. That's for the Delaware's luncheon, which will be held tomorrow. Now, as we open our meeting, I also want to say that, just out of interest, I'm asking you to register, and some of the girls are passing a paper, and this is simply for our own, and for my own interest. I want to know how many people are interested in traditions, where you come from, and it's helpful to us.
So if, when that paper comes along, you're not signing anything except ours here. Now, as we open our meeting, I'll ask us to join together in a moment of silence. Thank you. This we have done in gratitude for the changes that Al-Anon has brought to our lives. Now, before starting the program, too, I wanted to say what the anonymity tradition is, because there may be some people not of our fellowship here who are not familiar with our tradition of personal anonymity at the public level.
If so, we respectfully ask that no AA, Al-Anon, or Alateen speaker or member be identified by full name or picture in published or broadcast reports of their meeting. The assurance of anonymity is essential to our efforts to help other families of alcoholics, and our tradition of anonymity reminds us that Al-Anon and Alateen principles come before personalities. Now, the first treat that you have in store for us is to bring you Shirley of Denver, who has gotten together and directed a superb cast of actors who are going to show you what Al-Anon is all about.
We expected to get a lot of laughs. There's one. We don't have a superb cast. Hi, I'm Shirley, and I'm a grateful member of the Al-Anon family group from London, Colorado. It's nice to have you all here. I'm surprised at the attendance, because it's beautiful.
[00:04:59]
It's so good to see you all here.
[00:05:02]
Our skit this morning is about a fictitious Al-Anon group. We hope they're really fictitious, because in a sense they're saying to hell with tradition. They're having a meeting that breaks about every tradition in the book, and we hope to have a lot of fun with it. We hope to get the message across, what can happen. I would like to introduce the cast of characters to you this time. First we have Charlie.
He's our chairman, and he's from Colorado Springs. Good morning, everybody. Welcome. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. Does anyone have an aspirin for my headache? Our next character is Ken. He's the do-gooder, and he was supposed to wear his halo, but he said he lost it. Ever since he's been up here at the conference, he's tried to find a halo, and he says none of these Al-Anons will give theirs up.
Next, from Fort Harnes, we bring you Mickey, who's the fundraiser. I thought she'd have her hat in her hand. And, you know, it's really too bad, but you know what it's like living with a pretty bad, physical, abusive alcoholic. Some of us here do. And Wilma is our newcomer from Loveland. Come on up, honey. We're glad to have you here. We're glad to have you here. Our next character, and I use the term mostly, also happens to be our beloved state chairman here in Colorado.
Her name is Val, and she's so mean. If you can drop a dime in her pity pocket, well. Okay, next is our sexy Denverite, Jim. He's our promoter. Come on up, Jim. I knew you guys were him, but this is ridiculous. Sometimes we think this is the only sensible one in our group, this next character, and I think you're going to find out different. Alberta's from Denver, and she's our old-timer. Come on up, Alberta.
Okay, have a seat, Jim. We hope this will be the first and most important, the last meeting of this kind you're going to see. Well, good morning, everybody, and welcome to my group. I want to tell you this is unusual here today because usually we like to keep our groups small and intimate so we get to know one another's personal histories and stories so we don't need to worry about them too much. I got to tell you, this morning I had a speaker set up, but he canceled out.
He was the local guy running for senator down here, and I was going to give him Al-anon's opinion on birth control. But I'm the chairman, and we only have a couple of elected officers. Hello, the treasurer. You know, I think we ought to make it legit and make me GR just to get everything going. I'd like to welcome all the newcomers here this morning. By the way, my name's Silver. How about yours? Violation of traditions 10-4-1-2.
Yes, my husband's so weak. My husband told me to come. He gave me a lecture today. He gave me some literature to read. I'm off to grab a cup of tea for me.
[00:10:03]
Stand up. I'm really very interested in your sex and stuff. Listen, don't confuse yourself with all this sex and stuff. I've been around for four years. Well, of course, that don't count for the year that my husband had sex. He had sex. But I'm very active in church activities and all that stuff, and I don't always get to Al-anon. But I've done just fine without all that boring stuff. In fact, I just started this group last year to get away from it, and I picked him for chairman because he agrees with me about everything I say.
You look very familiar to me. Don't you live down on Mary Smith Street? She does, too, you know. Her husband's in AA. Violation of traditions 5-11-12. Guess what I found out about poor Mary? Poor Mary's husband is really sick now, and he's in bad trouble financially. So here's what I'm requesting, that we take the money from our trade group and send it to him. Now, I remember telling people that you also disappreciated our gifts at Easter.
Did you remember that? Yeah, that was all right. They really liked us. Yeah. And if necessary, would you put off hiring our group psychoanalysts for next year? I don't think anybody can go against that. Violations of traditions 6-8. Well, yeah, I think that's a great idea, Tim, but I think we're a little short on our treasury, aren't we? Why don't we have a dance and a raffle, and I'm sure I can get the local merchants to donate gifts.
Yeah, we can advertise on PTA Magazine like we did last year. And I think we could get all kinds of money. You know, remember how we did last year when we had that Al-Anon retreat? Yeah. Violations of traditions 6-7. Yeah, that's good. You know, I know the guy who wrote that new book, How to Lose Your Head Bracelessly from Everyone Who's Losing Their Grooves. We could have him come down. He'd draw a real crowd, and he'd be glad to autograph copies of his book while we sold them.
We could make something out of each book. We might even get a donation from his publisher, and he'd love to publish it. Yeah, he could write that off. He could just write that right off. Sounds good. Oh, by the way, that reminds me of something else. I heard that Headquarters says that we've got to have a public information project this month. Before you go on. Violations of traditions 6-7 and 8. Hey, I came here for help, and I haven't got to say a word yet.
You guys, you know last week that AA detained his wife's drink? He hogged the whole thing. He don't need to fly here. Boy, that poor guy. Now, I want to tell you what my husband did to me last week. Violations of traditions 3 and 5. Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait. My group tradition is we went to the AA meeting Dolbert. I just had to walk home. I get a lot of drinking to do. Oh, the nerve. Stand up, cast, and take a bow.
We're going to sing this little ditty for you, and then we're going to ask you to join with us. New girl, all girls, gentlemen, members all, we think traditions will help your group to grow. The experience of others proves this to be very true. The founders of our fellowship were wiser than me and you. If you're a member of the district or that you like our show, please take this message home to you.
When back to your group you go. Okay. Okay, how about running through it with us this time? Everybody got a copy? If you don't, maybe you can share with your neighbor. You can share with your neighbor.
[00:15:01]
Look at all those girls that Danny and I remember too. Wait a minute. I can't hear you, Jill. I can't believe it. I think you're all asleep. Stand up. Everybody up. Come on. Let's do this thing upright. Wait a minute. I got an idea here. Let's take the people on my right. The first half. Is there any gentlemen in the audience? Raise your hand. Well, is there any just me and them? Oh, yay! I see some hands.
Can you guys whistle this tune? Let's hear you whistle. Come on. Okay. Yay! Okay. That's better. You look a little alive. Let's see how awake this group is here on my right. Can you guys sway in time to the music without falling asleep? Good. Someone said certainly. Let's see you put your money where your mouth is. Okay. Let all those girls that you'll remember too. We hope tradition will help your group to grow.
We hope you will support others who live to be very true. The founders of our fellowship were smarter than me and you. Beautiful! Give yourselves a hand. Okay. Over here on the left side, while you guys are swaying, let's see if you guys can clap your hands in time to the music. Everybody sing. That's going to be tough. That's your problem. Okay. Okay. Let all those girls that you'll remember too. We think tradition will help your group to grow.
The experience of others pushes to be very true. The founders of our fellowship were wiser than me and you. We hope tradition will help your group to grow. We think tradition will help your group to grow. Thank you very much. That was great. Okay. Now that you're all wide awake after being up half the night probably, we'll turn the meeting back over to Mary. Well, let's give Shirley a real round of applause.
If we don't go home certain of what the mistakes are that we maybe have made but that we're not going to make in the future, we've lost the point. I think that was great, Shirley. And all of the cast, well, I'm speechless. Great. Take it that way. Thank you so much. Now then, that we're off for the last, we're going to turn to a little more serious talk and hear some of our traditions discussed. You'll note that we've grouped them by fees.
We're having four people to speak to. You're on three traditions. Now, this is putting them to a great test to get a real meaningful word into ten minutes. They are going to be limited to ten minutes. We have a bell ringer here who has, she's going to strike the bell once to give them a little warning and then they will wind up. And when she finishes, if they're in the middle of a sentence, as I told them, they stop because we want to leave enough time at the end to have some discussion from the floor.
And I think this is very valuable to all of us to have an opportunity to either ask a question or express an opinion. And then our panelists will answer you. So first of all, Mary R. from Pennsylvania is going to talk to us. She'll be talking on the first, second, and third traditions.
[00:20:04]
My name is Mary R. from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Hi, Mary! Thank you for that hi. I sure need it. Because I am one nervous soul right now. I don't know how I'm going to make it, but I'm going to try. I've never had a bell to ring and ten minutes to talk. Because I'm such a long-winded person, it takes me ten minutes to say my name. But I have been asked to share with you my experiences and how the first, second, and third traditions, how I've been able to apply to my life.
First of all, I would like to say that whatever I say is strictly my opinion, and as the traditions have worked for me through the years. In one of our books, Living with an Alcoholic, no, the favorite forum, it says this about the traditions, and I will read it. The purpose of the traditions is to make certain that the Al-Naml program will endure throughout the world. And this is my quote. And I have the responsibility to make this a reality.
Through the years since I have been in Al-Naml, I have thought of the first tradition, which talks about unity. The second tradition talks about the authority in Al-Naml. And the third tradition, which talks about what an Al-Naml group is all about, and in looking at the rest of the traditions and listening to others discuss them and discussing them and saying what I felt about them myself, I have come to believe that the first tradition, in my opinion, is really the last tradition.
Because if I am able to apply the other eleven traditions to my life, then I will have what it says in the first tradition. I will have unity. First of all, I will start, as I said, with the third tradition, because that is where I started. I came into a group. I had tried to handle my life all alone myself, and I wasn't able to. So therefore I needed a group. And the group is very important, and therefore the third tradition talks about what an Al-Naml group is all about.
And as the skit was presented, I think sometimes I can get off the track and bring in so many other things that are not Al-Naml and should not be in an Al-Naml group. I think the third tradition says very plainly that the relatives and friends of an alcoholic may call themselves an Al-Naml group provided that we have no other affiliations. And it also says that the only requirement for membership is that there be a drinking problem in a relative or friend.
So therefore, I really believe that almost anyone can become a member of Al-Naml. And it's not my responsibility to go around trying to find out whether you meet the requirements. It is my responsibility to know what an Al-Naml group is about and apply this or share these experiences with the group. I feel that all the traditions is a personal thing, a personal application. I must apply these traditions to my personal life and then share what I find in the traditions with the group.
I feel that this is the responsibility of each Al-Naml member. If I am able to do this, then I go into the second tradition which talks about the only authority in the program is a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. And I find that it would be very difficult to have a group conscience if I were not sharing with the group my experiences. And I must remember at all times that I am only one part of the group.
I'm not the whole group. Therefore, I have to learn. And this is a learning experience for me to respect the opinion,
[00:25:01]
whether I agree with them or not, and the experiences of other people. And I have to love them for what they are, not try to change them. And I know this is definitely new for me because my basic nature says change. Change everything, everybody. So if you don't agree with me, you change to my thinking. So, therefore, this was a new thing for me. And it has been a wonderful and a spiritual way of life for me because I am learning.
And this is my recovery. I am learning to accept people for what they are and for who they are and then let myself share with you and you take and use what you can use for my experiences. I never tell a person they are wrong. I try not. I don't say I never. I try not. Yeah, you wouldn't agree with that, would you? I try not to say, oh, you know, that's not right. I try to use words as, well, that's not the way I see it.
Or you could be right, but this is not the way I see it. And my husband's also a Brennan. I'm trying to practice these principles in all my affairs. And, uh, you know, I also find when I get into these heated discussions with people and in my group that one thing comes through that is not in either one of these steps that I'm trying to discuss this morning but very important, that is, what is the principle involved here?
And all of the things that the tradition talks about are principles. You know, after I say what I have to say, whether others agree with me or not, and we all get it together, and if we really believe, and if I really believe there is a God, and he will express himself in the group's conscience. So although sometimes I say, if Satan did come out strange, I didn't expect it to happen that way, but I must believe that this is God's will for the group at this time.
And I'm not afraid of being wrong, as I might say to myself. I'm not afraid today to make mistakes. I don't have to be perfect. And I don't blame the group for what happened. I say, oh, you see what they did? You know, I am learning to say, you see what we did. So if I am able to practice these principles, the first, the third, and the second tradition, which tells me what an All-Knowing Group is all about, and I share this, if I know how to allow God to express himself with the group's conscience, and I think this is extremely important, that everybody should be heard, I should be very careful when I say, I pass.
Because the thing I pass might be the very thing the group needs. Whether I think it's important or not, because if I say, I pass, whether I think it's important or not, because being married is not really important. The group becomes the most important thing, because that's where my strength lies, within the group. So if I am able to practice the principles of the third tradition, and the second tradition, as I see it, then I am bound to understand what we talk about when we're talking about our common welfare.
And when we do find this common welfare, because I know what I'm about in the group, I don't have to run it, I don't have to bring in, you know, these strange materials and topics for discussion. We, as the song said, we have people that was wiser than I, who has laid out a beautiful program here, and all I have to do is not shake the water, just follow directions, which is a difficult thing for me to do.
I don't like to follow directions. I like to give directions. If I am able to do these things, I call them practice these principles, then I will know what the common welfare is all about. I will make personal progress, and there will be unity in the group. Thank you. Excuse me, but I'm a great note-taker, and I'm busy writing a thought I don't want to lose that she just said. And it's that point about the development of the group conscience.
I think that can be a very… Well, sometimes, well, what is the group conscience? We say let the group conscience speak.
[00:30:00]
Well, this expresses to me how it is developed. As she said, it is my responsibility not to pass because somebody else has said something I think is great. That expresses it. I'll just pass. No, what I have to say is not important. It is important because all of those thoughts are put together and then it becomes the group conscience. This is a very important point that you've made, Rose. Thank you.
Now, I think that I was in error not to really read the tradition that they're going to talk about. Just so that we have in mind, the traditions that Rose spoke of are our common welfare should come first. First, personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity. Second, she was talking about for our group purpose, there is but one authority, a loving God, as he may express himself, in our group conscience.
Our leaders are our trusted servants. They do not govern. And that is applicable right through the program from the group three members straight up to the top headquarters. They are servants. We are working together toward one aim. Third, the relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, they call themselves an online family group. Provided that, as a group, they have no other affiliation.
The only requirement for membership is that there be problem of alcoholism in the relative of a friend. One point there is we often get questions in to the policy committee about the eligibility of somebody because they don't feel that they are coming there for alcoholism in their family, just a friend, somebody they know. Well, I think Rose also brought that point up so well. And the fact is, do we have the right to deny what we have to share with somebody if they feel the need for us?
If we are not meeting that need, then they will just fall away and you'll find there will not become a problem in your group. But don't close the door and say, oh, no, you're not eligible. Now, the next point you see on your programs, Michael S. of Kansas. Michael, unfortunately, had trouble with his car yesterday and was unable to get here. And we're hoping that he will get here for the balance of the convention, but he could not make it in time to participate in our program this morning.
He wants to speak to us on the – where's my little pen? Four, five, and seven. On traditions four, five, and seven. Now, I'm a great one for pressing people into service. Terry called me to say, hello, I'm here. I said, good, you're going to be there in the morning at 8.30. I just had an ox fall in the ditch. You're going to come and take that ox out of the ditch. Do you know what that means? She said, no.
Well, I said, my ox falls in the ditch. I can't pull it out alone. You're going to come and help me to pull it out because you're going to take over this job that Michael was going to do and speaking to us tomorrow morning on these three traditions for ten minutes only. And I knew you would accept. So I told them when they said to me down in the office, you've got a problem, you've got a substitution to make.
I said, it's taken care of. I hadn't called her yet. So she couldn't say no. This is Terry, who was our first full-time delegate from the province of Quebec. And a lot of you here, I hope, are old enough delegates to remember her. Bonjour, mes bonnes amies. Bonjour. My name is Terry, and I'm from – hi. Imagine me, I'm standing here, I'm still bewildered. My mouth's open. I can't usually be without words, but this morning I am.
I am so grateful to be standing up here. I don't like that word old member, Mary. I know I have gained weight and I have to wear glasses now. So those of you that knew me a long time ago, I'll take them off and then you'll know who I am, okay? There it is.
[00:35:01]
However, I see all of you much better with them. Now, I was in Toronto at their international convention ten years ago, and that was my first international convention and I was so full of warmth and love from that convention. And I attended the tradition panel meeting that morning, and I heard this wonderful person speak about the way she applied the tradition to her own life. And I just listened and listened, and I thought, I wonder if I'll ever get to that.
Because to me, tradition was part of the program and I thought I applied them, but they were sort of like the second fiddle, sort of. You know, you use them when necessary, but that was it. But she was just wonderful. So I went home and I started. I'm shaking. Excuse me, I'm going like this. This is terrible. If I don't make sense, you understand. Anyway, I went home and I just thought, well, let's try this a bit, and I started working on them.
I call them my family tradition. You've heard of all that. You have family traditions. You know, you have to put the ketchup bottle on the table and you never do a thing. You know, your mother taught you that liver is no good or it's very good or you don't like the taste of it. This is what I call family tradition, but on a very, very serious side. My fourth tradition, you see, each group should be autonomous, except in matters affecting another group or LNR or AA as a whole.
And I make this comparison with my family because we are a family. Each group is a unit that belongs to a big, big family all over the world, and we are joined together by the will of God. Each one of us can act, talk, and behave as we please, either in that group or in our own family, provided that my actions never affect my own family, my group, and LNR as a whole. If I react like I used to, and I still do sometimes, with loud gestures, you know, screaming and yelling like I did, and unloving attitude towards my family first at home, and I say now to thank God with this wonderful program I can control my emotions quite well, then I do affect my family if I misbehave.
And I affect my family even if I don't. If I'm a very, very good wife and mother, I affect them on the good side, like you would to your own group, and you would to the whole LNR as a whole. If you are a good worker for the program, you know, this is the way I look at it, I am autonomous as long as I don't affect anybody else with unloving attitude and actions. I put it this way also as an example, like say that I forbid my adolescent to go out, or I say you want to come in at a certain hour, and she will say, well, I'm 18 now, I can do what I want.
You know, so you say, yes, dear, you can do what you want, but be careful. If you don't come home, everybody else around you will be very worried, even though we do say our serenity prayer all night hoping to God that he's in his hands. This is what I mean. This is each group is the will of God, and we must protect it and respect it. If the group as a unit follows the principle of LNR, then we've made it.
The fifth. Each group has but one… This was written a little bit. Each LNR family group has but one purpose, to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the 12 steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics.
[00:40:02]
The way I see it, Terry sees it. The purpose of a normal family is to help one another grow with love and also in a loving atmosphere, and this is my goal in LNR. I find in my family sometimes it's extremely difficult to keep a loving attitude, especially if I forget that alcoholism is an illness. But if I put the 12 steps into practice, the beautiful 12 steps of AA, it's so much easier then. I know by encouraging every…
That's a terrible pronunciation, but that's the French one. Encouraging each and every one in my family, my other wonderful LNR family when I attend my meetings, always make them feel that they belong, that they're part of us. Encouraging them to come back, give them the love and comfort they need. If I never had this when I first came into LNR, I wouldn't be standing here today. Regarding understanding the alcoholic, I think I've given up understanding the alcoholic.
Because I have enough hard time understanding myself, because I still become very confused with all different things that happen to us in every little day in everyday life. Little things, they really bug you, more than the big ones, and they accumulate and accumulate and you're all confused. I think the part of the tradition is also understanding our other members in our group and understanding LNR as a whole, what the principles are about and what they bring to us.
I want to say, maybe I don't understand my alcoholic, but I sure love him. And I wish he was here. And I sure wish he was here with me today. We seek help, welcome, and give comfort to the members. Well, again, I start with my own family. I help by not manipulating my family. And at that point, you know, I think sometimes we try to not manipulate at our house, but then, you know, there's something lacking in us.
We've got to manipulate. It's part of our system. And you go to the group and you see one that's really pity pot there, and you say, well, that one, I can really, really give her the program. I can, you know, you know, if she would only understand it my way, you know. Or then you go and sit and say, oh, I feel sorry for you, you know. And this is what we mustn't do. And instead of that, we must give comfort and love.
And then I always put it this way. Use it the same way as you have done in your own family. How do you comfort your children and your husband when they feel miserable? Feeling too much, giving them too much self-pity doesn't help, does it? Sometimes you have to be a little cruel with love. I find this is the easiest tradition for me because I am very, very, very maternal and I can use that one very easily.
The seventh tradition. Each group ought to be self-supporting, declining outside contributions. And there's my family tradition coming in. The day before my wedding, my father said, I'll never forget it, I'll never forget it. Remember, borrowing from friends, acquaintances, finance firms, etc., is no way to start a new life. What you cannot afford, try to do without. And to a beautiful person. So again, I think this tradition applies, my family tradition applies here.
I feel strongly that our groups have a wonderful chance to grow spiritually if we stand on our own two feet, refusing outside contributions. Refusing Outside Contribution, and I thank you for listening to me. Applause
[00:45:09]
I'm just writing down her father's first admonition, stand on your own feet. And it's true that we as groups will appreciate a great deal more what we get if we have worked for it ourselves. Now, next we're having, Terry, thank you so much for sharing with us those thoughts. And I just want to say that I have had the privilege over the past years of sharing some of that family tradition with Terry and her family, and seeing them in action at home, and I think one of the most beautiful things to me was ten years ago, when I was in Montreal at the invitation of Terry for the Quebec Bilingual Conference, was seeing her and her children, who were then little youngsters, they were waiting, just avidly waiting, to become members of Alakeen, which was then just starting.
And this was a goal that they were working toward. You know how they got that goal? It was through what their mother had been able to give to them. Now, the little boy, the little boy, just graduated a few months ago, and has become a licensed engineer from McGill University, and he did a great deal of this through work of his own. He now has a job. And that little girl is now beautiful, 18-year-old, almost as tall as I am.
But I knew them when they were little tots like this, waiting to get into Alakeen, because it had meant so much to Mom and their life, their family life. So I thought that was a beautiful thing. Next we're going to hear from Mary P., from Iowa, who also, I won't say old, she was one of our early, she was one of our earlier delegates to the conference, and shared some time with Terry there. So she is going to share with us some of her thoughts from the way traditions 6, 8, and 9 work in Iowa.
Looking out, I see so many people that I know and so many people that I was in rural service office with, and Terry was one that I shared it with, and she was our baby. She was so young and the rest of us were much more mature. I'm going to talk on the 6th and 8th and 9th tradition. They say as you grow older and as you grow older in Al-Anon, you become more spiritual. And I believe this sincerely.
The 6th step, our family group will never endorse, finance, or lend our name to any outside enterprise. These problems of money, property, and prestige diverts us from our primary spiritual aim. Although a separate entity, we should always cooperate with Alcoholics Anonymous. One of the Al-Anon's greatest safeguards is stated in the opening phrases of this tradition. The wisdom of such action is evident when you consider that the Al-Anon family group is worldwide.
Al-Anon's unity stems from this tradition. I'm nervous too, Terry. Al-Anon's primary aim, its very reason for being, is determined as a spiritual program. We would run into difficulties in keeping it spiritually by entering into material considerations in our own communities. Our problems are the problems of alcoholism and to learn to live with the problems connected with alcoholism. The second part of this tradition shows us we are not a part of AA, never have been, nor likely to be.
The AA fellowship have enough in their hands to insist that they remain separate from anything else, just as Al-Anon does. We are not affiliated with AA in any way, but they have cooperated with us beautifully. Without AA and our sharing with the steps of their wonderful traditions, we would not have grown in the fellowship that we all cherish. I am sure there is no resentment that we were not taken into their fellowship because their cause is for sobriety and ours is for others seeking help in Al-Anon, spiritually and physically.
We owe AA so much that our cooperation in any way of showing our gratitude for all they have given us, we conduct our meetings in the same manner as AA, we keep their steps and traditions in our fellowships very much alive.
[00:50:03]
We do not lend our name to any outside enterprise or support it financially or morally. Our work and efforts should be for the Al-Anon's alone. Now we all steal things from different people and this was stolen from Bill. He was a delegate from Nevada and I thought this very appropriate because we have some new groups in our city and they all want to use outside literature. There is one thing which I believe can cause confusion regarding the Sikhs' tradition and which has been something of a problem in our area.
In the use of the material other than Al-Anon conference-approved literature at group meetings, although some of this outside material is often very helpful, picture the confusion of the new member being told that we do not lend our name to any outside agency while he or she holds in hand a pamphlet stamped or imprinted with the name and addresses some religious organization, medical society, rehabilitation facility.
This point is well covered by AA's publication, Cooperation but Not Affiliated. Surely we stand a better chance of carrying out our primary spiritual aim as stated in the Sikhs' tradition if we are all attempting to study and put into practice the ideas expressed in the same basic text and publications. Those approved and distributed by our own fellowship. I want to emphasize of course that as an individual we have complete freedom to read and study medical, spiritual, educational, or any other type of literature of our individual choice.
We also have the freedom to participate in any outside activity to which we wish to lend our support. Our group purpose, however, I believe we should abide by the Sikh tradition and remain forever uninvolved with outside agencies. I have something to add that has come up just recently in our area, and it says also in Tradition 6, a few years ago retreats were brought into our area. To get around this, this was called a workshop.
This is something that has died down in the last three years. Now it is showing its head again. We as individuals may participate, but not as an all-in-one family group to go to a retreat house. I was told in a meeting recently, this is left up to the officers of the state, but they are but trusted servants and still should abide by the Sikh tradition. Whew, I'm out of breath. I'll wind you up, Nancy.
Okay. The Eighth Tradition, Al-Anon's Twelve-Step Work, should remain forever non-professional, but our service centers may employ special workers. In this tradition, we in Al-Anon are non-professional, and what a great experience it is to share what we have gained. Part of our philosophy and obligations in Al-Anon is to share our thoughts. To watch the new person grow in Al-Anon is very rewarding to know that they are in the higher power's hands.
Each tradition is a new spiritual experience if we are not just giving lip service. As an Al-Anon family group, we can encourage each other and get help and receive spiritual guidance. Because of our human frailties, we sometimes fail miserably to do an outstanding job, but we keep on trying. In our service centers, we may employ special workers, and most of us volunteer all the help possible. As we grow in our inner groups, it will be possible to employ clerical help, as in our World Service Office it is necessary to employ help in various works.
They in the World Service Office have many volunteers, one of them sitting right next to me. The reason for mentioning this, I have found in working with an inner group, we must follow the guidelines and success and unity in this tradition points out. We do not accept gifts for sponsoring or being the most popular person in a group. We in Al-Anon are so grateful for the sharing we have received and the reward by seeing the person we are helping in Al-Anon and receiving a degree of serenity, and that is for the both of us.
I'll hurry. Number nine, our groups as such ought never be organized, but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve. We speak in Al-Anon as a fellowship, indicating each member is equal in every way. We are not organized. The word organized is a no-no in our society.
[00:55:03]
We are free to take what we like and leave the rest. Al-Anon follows the Golden Rule and their only thoughts are not to hurt others or infringing on their rights. We have members that have been around for a long time and only trying to carry the message, but at times they are misunderstood when a statement is made when the speaker is just trying to protect the tradition. In 1955 in St. Louis at the Second International Conference, I heard Bill Wilson make this statement, quote, Drunkenness and discrimination are not penalties inflicted by people in authority.
They are the result of personal disobedience and spiritual principles. We must obey certain principles or we die. The second same stern threat applies to the group itself unless there is conformity in AA's twelve traditions. The group too can deteriorate and die. So we in AA do obey spiritual principles first because we must and ultimately because we love the kind of life such obedience brings. These principles also, this was in the AA Comes of Age on page 119 and 120 if anyone wants to read it.
These principles apply also to Al-Anon. Our group conscience must govern us. We too must obey our spiritual principles. I believe that in groups it is necessary to stress the fact that principles should be put before personalities. Thank you. Thank you ever so much Mary. You shook real well. And I'm just going to tell you I've got a line of yours I'm going to use again too. We end our panel of speakers with Norma from Massachusetts.
Now I've had the pleasure of working on another panel with Norma quite recently at our conference in April in New York. And she was of such great help to me. And our work together there illustrated something which I'm going to tell you about right now. I hope that it will be in off the printers machine very soon. Something called Digest of the Principles of Policy that govern Al-Anon. This has come about through two years of hard work by a committee of which Loretta, I sat on the committee with her, which Loretta chaired for two years.
We worked and worked and worked and going over the whole tradition of policies that have developed or evolved over the years. And gotten it together in one single booklet for you. And this is going to be of invaluable help to all of you as you strive to uphold the traditions of our whole fellowship. Now as the girls were talking, as this was going on, there were so many answers that I could see in my mind that in that book, if you've got it, you'll have the answer there.
On the other hand, you write to us and we do give serious thought to these questions that come in. And we want to take time to not have one person answer the letter so that you get one opinion. We discuss it in a meeting. And then that meeting is attended by innumerable people. The chairman of all committees and by the trustees and by all the staff members, all of whom are Al-Anon members. And then it goes to the board and they pass it.
Then it goes to the conference, they pass it. Then it goes into our policy book. So there are some people who are afraid of the word authority. They think there's going to be some boss telling them what to do. We had great discussion at this conference about policy. Somebody felt very strongly there should be no such thing as policy. There's got to be policy. We have to be organized to some extent or we accomplish nothing.
We just go this way. And therefore we have our traditions. We all try to do the same thing, react to these things as they come up so that we are keeping our fellowship undiluted. That's the whole purpose of it so that if you go to Al-Anon in Denmark, you're going to find the same thing as you're going to find if you go to it in Denver or if you go to it in New York. This is the whole purpose. Now to wind this thing up, oh, what I was going to tell you about Norma, I had a letter that needed answering.
And so while we were having, she and the other girl who helped me out having our session on the part we were to do in the conference, I said, here's something I've got to answer. What do you think? So she and the other girl. What do you think? So she and the other girl working with me read it. They sat down and put their points. When I got the chance to write the letter, I took those and my own and the policy digest and I got an answer together.
[01:00:01]
So this is how it works. We all share and work together so that you don't have one opinion, but you have many opinions. And as was said, that I have a responsibility when a question comes up not to pass. I must express my opinion even if I don't think it's worth anything because when it goes together with other opinions, it then makes group conscience. So now we're going to hear about the last three traditions by Norm.
Hi, everybody. I'm Norma from Massachusetts. I was real happy to hear Mary talk about taking the tradition so personally because I do. I think they're as vital to my recovery as the steps are. The steps are presented to us as guides for our personal recovery, but you know, if our groups and our fellowship don't survive, I don't think on my own the 12 steps would sustain me. I think I'd flounder. I need the traditions.
Tradition 10 says the Al-Anon family groups have no opinion on outside issues. Hence, our name ought never be drawn into public controversy. The first thing I hear in this tradition is that our fellowship has no opinion on anything outside the program. The second part suggests to me that our group should never involve the name of Al-Anon in any outside issue. This suggestion is not directed exclusively to the group, but to me personally.
I'm a part of a group, and I'm a part of Al-Anon, and unless I want to see Al-Anon torn apart from within, I will willingly follow the suggestion. As individuals, we can, if we choose, support any outside issue. We may, from time to time, feel we have a responsibility to support or oppose an issue. That's often our duty and our right. But as a program, if we were to take sides on any outside issue, it would destroy us.
You know, recently in the Boston area, during the past year, there's been a very violent struggle going on in the entire community with regard to forced busing as a means of desegregating our schools. And think what would happen if any of our Al-Anon groups began taking sides in this issue. Al-Anon in the Boston area wouldn't last long. Again, recently in our area, a group of people in the community in which I live and work are becoming a little bit organized to try and do something about the problem of battered women and battered children.
And very soon they became quite aware of the fact that a great many of these battered women and children come from homes where the illness of alcoholism is prevalent. I'm known to some of the people on this committee as an Al-Anon member, and a woman approached me not too long ago. She was preparing an article for a newspaper and wanted to know what Al-Anon's opinion was. And I declined to answer because Al-Anon has no opinion on outside issues.
Tradition 11 says, We need to always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, TV, and film. We need to guard with special care the anonymity of all AA members. I'd just like to say here, you know, I think sometimes one of the reasons that people think of the tradition of Al-Anon is because they think it's a bad idea. I'd just like to say here, you know, I think sometimes one of the reasons that people think of the tradition as dull and boring and uninteresting is that some of them are long.
They contain various messages. And I think it's important that we break them down, that we take each part and look at that rather than trying to study and talk about the entire tradition. This is one of the long ones, as I see it. It's in three parts. The first four words tell me that public relations or public information is acceptable and important. And we have a policy to guide us. Immediately I know that we are not intended to be a secret society about which people know nothing.
We do welcome and need good publicity. And the policy which guides us is based on attraction rather than promotion. So then I want to know what the difference is between attraction and promotion. I want to understand these two words. Our definitions tell us that to attract is to invite, to draw to, to cause, to approach. We understand promotion to be to push forward, to further advances in a business venture,
[01:05:02]
which implies hard sell. We don't have membership drives. We don't try to lure anyone into Al-Anon. We don't make any promises. We don't give any guarantees. But we do let people know what we are and where we are. You know, it's not enough to be attractive to those that have already found us. We need to let people know that we're here and what we are and that there are people who want to help. We need good publicity.
Over the years we've had it, and many of us came into Al-Anon as a direct result of good publicity. Reading on in Tradition 11 is a special message to guide me in my involvement with the press, radio, TV, and film. And I'd like to add here that that includes closed-circuit television too. Again, I say this involves me personally. As an Al-Anon member, I am responsible to maintain my anonymity at the public level.
I will not allow my name to be used in the press or on the radio. If I'm appearing on a television program, I will take special precautions to avoid being recognized. I can do this by changing my appearance in some manner, by having my back to the camera, or filmed in silhouettes. You know, many years ago I did appear on a television program and I altered my appearance by wearing a wig and dark glasses.
Our youngest son, I think, was about three or four at the time, and they were watching the program at home. And he turned to his sisters and he said, I can hear Mommy, but I can't see her. So I don't know what to do about a voice like mine, because you can't disguise that. If I'm appearing on television as the relative of an alcoholic, I can face the camera and I can give my full name, providing I don't identify myself as an Al-Anon member.
Another thing that has come up in our area recently, and maybe in other areas you're beginning to see things like this, if I'm employed in the field of alcoholism, and if I'm appearing on a television program as a staff person from my place of employment, again, I can face the camera, I can use my full name, I can talk about Al-Anon, I can recommend it, I can encourage people to seek its help, as long as I don't identify myself as an Al-Anon member.
I'd like to comment here, just make one little comment, on the difference in the wording between our 11th tradition and AA's. AA's traditions were prepared before the advent of television, and that word TV does not appear in their tradition as it's written down. But certainly it is implied, and they are as responsible as we for avoiding recognition on television. Finally, the last message I receive from this tradition is that I must at all times be responsible for protecting the anonymity of all AA members.
This might possibly mean that it would limit my own personal involvement in some public information work, and if it does, I'm sure I would find other ways of doing it. But I must at all costs do nothing that would break the anonymity of any AA member. Tradition 11 says, Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities. Tradition 12, our literature tells us, is the very substance of all the others.
First it makes us aware that all 12 traditions have a spiritual foundation, anonymity. Then we are reminded that the principles of our fellowships are much more important than any personality. When we first approach the fellowship of Al-Anon, we become comfortable with anonymity as a protection, a protection for us and for the person we love who has alcoholism. We find we can talk about things which we were never able before to share, knowing that our anonymity will be protected.
But as we listen and learn and grow, anonymity takes on deeper meaning for us. We begin to realize that the principles by which we live are far more important than any personality. What is said is more important than who says it. Anonymity is humility. It's the willingness to help others without personal glory. Everyone in Al-Anon has something to offer, and when we have learned to place the principles of our program
[01:10:01]
above the personalities in our program, we are then open to accepting help from everyone. We become able to love and to learn from people we may not really like. We close no doors which, when opened, might help us. The other side of that coin is equally important. Even our closest Al-Anon friends are not more important than the principles of our program. Placing principles above personalities assures us we will have no popularity contest, no glory seekers in Al-Anon.
Thank you. Did I make it? Thank you. Oh, that's wonderful. I like that line, there'll be no glory seekers in Al-Anon. Now then, I think that's a record. Nobody got the bell rung on that. And didn't you hear a lot in those short minutes? If you really concentrate on the essence of what you want to say, you can get an awful lot in ten minutes. Now, I want to open the floor at this time to hear from some of you out there, because this, I think, is one of the great things in Al-Anon, to share, not just from here, there, but from there, here, and then feedback.
So it's a give and take. And I was so pleased at this year's conference in New York, which I'm sure many of you have heard about and had your reports already, some may not. In some ways, it was quite different from other conferences we've had in that there was a lot of what could be called, by some people, dissension, others it could be called tension. But I think I got this idea from the writer that we had recently on our staff there.
And she said, she, her feeling was, there is such unrest in the whole world, everything, is so stirred up that this is bound. We are humans, we are people, so we are bound to react in some sense to this in Al-Anon. So that if you get some of this feeling back in your delegates' reports, or anyway, remember that that is a part of growth. If you've got something, and this is what's good about Al-Anon, that if we've got something that bothers, let's bring it out and talk about it.
Don't put it in the corner and let it build up and build up and build up and become some sort of a thing that gnaws at you and then gradually you're going to let somebody else gnaw on it with you. Bring it out, whether it's in a meeting or whether it's in a district meeting or in your state, whatever. Say it. You don't have to say it as though you're angry. Just let's see what this is about. Let's examine it.
And then arrive at an idea of whether you think it's good or bad. So that's what I want this morning now to hear from you people. If you have something particularly that either bothers you or that you want to share with us, it's good. So would you raise your hand and let us hear from you. Would you stand up? When you're talking, stand up and talk just as loud as you can. Unfortunately, you can't bring the microphone back.
In our area, we're having a lot of programs where there are people in Al-Anon or NAA that are getting into the counseling field of alcoholism. And part of the program, which are federally funded and it's kind of like on-the-job training, part of what they do is send people to an Al-Anon group three or four times to let them know what goes on in Al-Anon and so they'll know when they refer someone what to expect.
There's been some controversy in our area. Most of everyone that's attended our group in this capacity has had a relative or friend of their own. So there's been a double purpose in coming. But we wondered if there was no relative or friend, what does the physician say on this subject? Norma, would you want to have anything to say on this? I think quickly off the top of my head, one thing I'd say is that groups…
Off the top of my head, one thing I'd say is that groups can be open or closed. And if they're open meetings, I think it's great to welcome people who come to observe and to learn about a program, provided, you know, they don't participate and they don't get the focus off onto their agency or onto the alcoholic.
[01:15:06]
And I think that this is what happens very often with people from outside agencies or professionals, that the focus goes immediately to the alcoholic instead of to our program. If the group decides it wants to be a closed meeting, limited only to relatives and friends of alcoholics, then by group autonomy, they have that choice. When you say group content, do you decide? Whether it's an open or closed meeting.
In our area, our meeting list booklet lists the groups as to whether they're open or closed. And if a group does not list itself as being a closed meeting, they're open to observers. Thank you, Norma. Does that help you? Or do you want to hear another opinion? I said, does that help you or do you want another opinion? There was one question there. Are you saying that no outsider then, under the conditions, can come to a closed meeting?
Right. Right. Under no conditions. Unless they have a relative or friend of their own. Right. And the group has decided that it's a closed meeting. Isn't that very true? Isn't that very true? I work at Fort Carson quite a bit out there. It is a military post. And we only had a meeting for a very short time. We do have it as an open meeting. We do have the counselors. Those are friendly counselors. As Norma said, we ask them not to participate.
They're there not to learn. But it is an open meeting. Yes. Just like a closed, but you say it's an open meeting. What do you have to learn? We do ask them not to participate, as Norma said. Otherwise, we run off into their area. We ask them to come and they're welcome. They're there to learn from us. And if they're willing to go back and do the counseling, they can give the people, you know, advice towards that direction.
That's very good. It's up to the chairman of that group to inform these outside people about the anonymity of the program and that the members do not go out and talk about what they hear there, that this is a closed meeting, and that it deals with people's personal problems. It is not to be taken out of discussion. And it is also working not toward the alcoholics' problem, but toward the problem of those people who live with alcoholics, and that you will hear nothing here that is going to help you in solving an alcoholics' problem.
I mean, that, I think, is up to the chairman, to see that any guest who comes in is informed of the purposes of this meeting, that they are being privileged to attend, to observe. Thank you very much. Yes. Just a minute. Rose had something she wanted to say, wasn't it? Mary. Oh, Mary. I get that. Rose and Mary turned around. I've done it ever since I've met her, because she is a Rose. Well, I think what was said a minute ago is forthcoming.
She just about said it. That's why I didn't put my hand up again. In a third tradition, I wonder how we are going to separate when we are relative or friends. I know this is a very thin line, but how do you separate? Now, if you are going to help somebody, whether you're going to get monetary compensation for it or not, that is really, I don't think, my business. As I see it, as I said in the third tradition, I better know what Al-Anon is all about and share that.
And it didn't say don't share it with the counselors, close the door, because they are going to carry the message a little farther than I can. I think we need more people that need the fellowship than I can ever come in contact with. So it's finding a way to deal with them, not keep them out. And that's what the third tradition is saying, because I can't decide whether they are friends or not. And the third tradition tells me I see very few people that we can say can't come to Al-Anon.
That's a good point. I remember some years ago a talk that I heard Bill make at one of his anniversary meetings. And the topic of it was, let's be friendly with our friends. Don't be afraid. We haven't got something to hide.
[01:20:01]
And that we are sort of sometimes inclined to turn off too much toward those people who want to help us. You were the one whose hand was up that I turned. Yeah. I'm Jenny from Florida. We had a problem in our area very recently. A friend of mine and I attended a seminar on alcoholism at a community college. And they had a panel that was supposed to be made up of the Alcoholic Rehabilitation Center and the Primary Alcoholic Rehabilitation Center, the Mental Health Board, and Alcoholics Anonymous in Al-Anon.
And my friend and I didn't recognize anyone that we knew from Al-Anon. And we were very interested to see who the person was going to be. And as it turned out, it was someone who worked as a counselor at an Alcoholic Rehabilitation Center that was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And the person who attended won Al-Anon. And what it was over with, my friend and I went up to the people who were responsible for getting this panel together and asked them why someone from Al-Anon wasn't asked to speak on the panel.
And the man said, well, we tried to get someone, but you know how these volunteer organizations are not very reliable. In fact, he wanted to know why I was so defensive. And so I asked him who they had tried to get. And he gave me this English lady. And I said, well, I happen to know that lady, and I'm going to talk to her. And she said no one had called her at all. But the person, what I was so curious about was that the woman that was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, the only thing she said was that Al-Anon was for thousands of alcoholics.
And I very quickly told the man that because she happened to be married to an alcoholic, doesn't mean she's a member of Al-Anon. You haven't judged her. Good, good. Well, tell him that you would like to give him a bit of introductory literature so he could find out why we are not just a volunteer organization. Inform yourself before you have another program so that you can ask people who do know what Al-Anon is about.
And that point about just being married to an alcoholic does not make you a member of Al-Anon. It's very well brought out. But I think inform them. Say, may I send you? Don't be defensive. Try not to get their ire up. But be just as sweet and show them how cute you are. The point that I was trying to make was that we had our spring assembly a couple of years ago and someone came back from World Service and said that, I think the Myers-Baggs was probably pretty much over the country.
I know it isn't in Florida. You know, so they volunteer things, volunteering papers for the alcoholics. Do you have that experience? I don't know. Well, it's called the Myers-Baggs in Florida. Anyway, we were talking at that time that there were going to be a law in the Alcohol Rehabilitation Center in Dallas. And in order to get federal funds, they were going to use the name of Al-Anon and Alcoholics in Dallas.
And I think that's exactly what happened. May I add one thing? That is, in our area, we've had the same type of situation. And one thing that has helped is for us to be aware of what is being claimed in the community. And then go to the people that are involved and tell them about Al-Anon and ask them if they do want a resident, or someone that's been around enough to be classified as an Al-Anon on their program.
And kind of keep watching and be alert of what's going on. And sometimes we found that it does work in getting our foot in the door before they get some jump on us. That's very good. Now, we have time for just the two of you, because I've just been warned. And so we'll have, you can have your hand up three times, and then we'll have three. I'm Mary Lee Strauss, from Ohio State. Hi, Mary! And we recently had an experience like this.
A young lady knows about areas of abuse, and she has a master's in psychology. She wants to send her to the clinic for people who have problems with depression. And she had heard about an Al-Anon, so she came to an Al-Anon meeting,
[01:25:01]
and she came back again on the Monday night meeting that she was supposed to. And my husband and I had to move last month. The lady came to ask if she could return again for a death study night. And I quickly had to ask if she could stop me, because no one else was around. And we asked a little time, and she said, What do you do? And he said, What do you do? And I was like, And I was like, I can't put limitations on the spiritual part of this person.
And occasionally, I do find it makes me feel a little bit sorry on the face of the young lady. The young lady did come back for a first step meeting. The second time that she came for a step meeting, she said, I have discovered from reading your letters that I need your personal and personal discovery, so I felt that I ought to talk to you. Very good. Very good. Thank you. You know, we're not always…
Now, you happen to be there to see the solution. But we have to also take an awful lot in Ellen on trust. You help somebody in the way that you can. And they may even move out of town three years later. You may discover that it took three years for the seed that you planted to germinate. And this does happen. I wanted to just ask you whether or not you have signed… There were a couple of girls from our host committee that were going to just pass a paper around for you to sign.
It's simply for attendance. You're not pledging anything. You're just telling us you were here and that you were interested in what we had to present to you on this program. And if you haven't seen it, Harriet has a paper there that she will pass around and let you sign. Just to let us know you were here. The two of you in the back there, could you say real quickly what you had… Excuse me. They wish they had known about Ellen Long before.
But they never. If you keep it to that, I'll leave you. You did not keep it to her and you still keep it anonymous. And one of the girls came and her marriage was on the ground. And she said, if I had known about this two or three years ago, I'm sure I would have saved my marriage. So how do we separate… Good. I'm going to give one of our cast of characters a final pot shot. One of them wants to… you had something you wanted to say.
Harriet, you know you can get posters. And we have been very successful in that, in getting newcomers. We have three newcomers meeting a week. And they're coming in, not in droves, but they're coming in better than they were. Because these posters simply say, and we put them up in laundromats, churches, chains, stores, wherever. And it says, you know, are you living with an alcoholic? And do you want to know something about it?
And it gives our box number. And we're having them torn down. We have to keep putting them up all the time. I think what's happening is that people don't want to see, don't want anybody to see them reading them. So they tear them down, you know, and put them in your shopping bag and hang them on the ceiling. Very good. We have to say two other things about that. In Flint, what we're doing, for a fact, is that in the Flint area, we have put that there are severe drinking problems in the family.
And we have a 435 number. We also have, in the telephone directory, the outline and the telephone number. And so that lets you…