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Source: 1975 Denver International Convention – 1975 Denver Int, Al-Anon, Let It Begin with Me, Jane, Betty B, Tom M.mp3 File: 1975-denver-international-convention-1975-denver-int-al-anon-let-it-begin-with-me-jane-betty-b-tom-m.mp3 Duration: 01:19:57
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My name is Jean. I'm from Ontario, Canada. I… We apologize for the delay in starting. We… Our intentions were to be very prompt, and we were all here. And the theme, Let It Begin With Me, does not apply to Norris, who was trying to get the tape recorder going. It was the tape recorder! At the last minute. Could we now have a moment of silence? Enjoying this silence, think of our gratitude for the changes that the Al-Anon program has made in our lives.
There may be some who are not familiar with our tradition of personal anonymity at the public level. If so, we respectfully ask that no AA, Al-Anon, or Alateen speaker or member be identified by full name or picture in published or broadcast reports of our meetings. The assurance of anonymity is essential to our efforts to help other families of alcoholics, and our tradition of anonymity reminds us that Al-Anon and Alateen principles come before personalities.
I have often been at meetings where all the chairs were filled and they brought in more chairs, and the chairman would say, we have wall-to-wall people, but I know now he didn't know what he was talking about. We mainly have them all over the floor. And the two panelists that are with me this morning and myself are just overwhelmed by the number. Yesterday when we were talking about this meeting, we said, you know, at 8.30 in the morning, and people are on holidays, well, the three of us can have a meeting by ourselves anyway.
We just had no idea there would be a room full of smiling faces like we see. The theme of this conference is Let It Begin With Me. We hope this morning to perhaps put your thoughts in motion along this line. Several months ago when I was informed about the theme, my thoughts certainly got into motion in a hurry, because as you think about it, well, it applies in so many areas. It's difficult to know what comes first and just, you know, what you're going to do about it when you think of it personally.
I went back to the days before Al-Anon when the problem was active and realized that even then, so much began with me. I was the one that began the anger, and I was the one that began the self-pity, really. I thought for a long time that that started with my husband, but I think it started with me before it touched him. My feelings were so long, running along the lines that, you know, if everything else was different, I would be fine.
I wasn't thinking in terms of it beginning with me. If only, if only. I lived on those two words for a long time. If only he would do this, if only he wouldn't do that, if only he wouldn't drink, then I wouldn't be like I am. I certainly wasn't thinking in terms of letting it begin with me. When I came to Al-Anon, of course, it was a different picture altogether. The first thing they told me was that there are no musts, and then they handed me a sheet of do's and don'ts.
And then they talked about hands-off, and of course that had to begin with me. Perhaps the first thing that helped me in learning to let things begin with me was giving the alcoholic in our home room to grow in his own way. For me to learn to concentrate on me and let him work his own program in his own time and his own way, and this wasn't an easy thing to do.
[00:05:01]
Now this morning we want all of you to think, how is it beginning with me? And after our two speakers have shared a message with us, this is a workshop, as I hope you realized when you looked at the program. And so we are hoping that you will participate, that you will either ask questions or share thoughts that you have pertaining to this theme. This meeting does actually depend a great deal on you and how you let it begin with you as well as ourselves.
So right now I'm going to ask Betty. I haven't known Betty before, but I spoke to her briefly yesterday and again this morning. The thing that impressed me was that wonderful smile that she has. She just seems to be, and I'm sure much of that glow comes from this program. I can't be sure of that, but I'm guessing that a lot of it comes from that. So I'll ask Betty now to give you a message. Thank you, Jean, and you're right, the glow does come from Al-Anon.
Good morning. My name is Betty Brown, and I'm a member of the Chagrin Valley Al-Anon group back in Cleveland, Ohio. It really is beautiful to see so many beautiful faces this early in the morning. As Jean said, we never expected this. I was telling my husband, who's here this morning, that one nice thing about speaking this early in the conference, or in the convention rather, is that once I'm through this morning, I really then can relax and enjoy the rest of the convention, you know.
It has its advantages. When I was first asked to speak at this convention, I was asked to tell what our declaration, let it begin with me, means to me. And of course there were so very many things that went through my mind at that time that it would really be impossible to try to tell you all the things that did go through my mind in such a short time this morning. I began to prepare for this talk, and the very first thing I asked myself was, let what begin with me?
And the first word that popped into my mind was love. Now, no matter how I tried to set it aside and work on something else, that continued to come back, that word, love. So I think that this morning this is exactly how I'll have to start. Let love begin with me. Love for this program. Love for you wonderful LNNs and AA that have been such a help to me. I especially want to talk about the love for my alcoholic.
I'm talking about the same man that 12 years ago I felt nothing but bitterness and hatred for. And today, through these programs, I have learned that alcoholism is a disease. Now, I never knew that before. I thought that all the things that he was doing to me, I thought he was doing them to me, was because he no longer loved me or the kids. And I'm grateful to LNN for teaching me some things, for telling me that alcoholism is a disease, because once I learned that and accepted it, it made things a lot easier for me.
It was as though a load was lifted off my shoulders. And I knew then that these things happened because he really was sick. And today, when I think of how we've been able to rebuild our lives, a beautiful life together, it really makes me ashamed of all the mean and the spiteful things that I did to him. So for me, love has to begin with me now, not only for my alcoholic, but for my children as well.
Now, they're teenagers today, and I really wouldn't be very honest if I told you that they didn't irritate me at times. You know, let's face it. But at least today, I don't have to scream and yell and slap like I once did.
[00:10:06]
Since going on, I really have become a more reasonable and a calmer person. But I know that I need always to work my program for myself, thereby creating this good atmosphere for my children, my husband, and myself. Let it begin with me to improve our family life. Let me always show love to the newcomer in LNN and to offer them the comfort and hope that was offered to me when I was really desperate for it.
The only way that I can thank LNN for giving me this new life is to try to carry our message and most of all to be available to that new person and to let them know that I truly care about them. You know, a while back, a fairly young man came to our group, and he was so unhappy and so confused and so bitter. And after we talked for a while, he really didn't think that, you know, he needed LNN. He wasn't convinced that he needed it.
And as he was leaving, I said to him, please come back. We love you. And you know, he looked at me so completely surprised. And he said, you know, Betty, I haven't heard those words in such a long time. Would you please say them again? Yeah. And I did. I said, we do love you, and we do care what happens to you, and we really do want you to come back. And you know, he has been a regular member at our group ever since.
Now, I'd like to believe that these few kind words that I offered to him are just the thing that he needed at that moment to come back to LNN and to find out what it's all about. And here again, this kindness has to begin with me. I hope I never get too lazy to get up and give a warm greeting to that new person that comes through the door at our meeting. May another's recovery begin with me, because through the grace of God and LNN, I am recovering today.
If someone had to show me the way, and they had to give me the tools of LNN to work with, you know, I'm very privileged to do a lot of sponsoring in our area back home, and this gives me the opportunity then to help the bewildered newcomer and to carry the message of hope for a better life to that person. I pray that I never get complacent and begin to think that, you know, I really don't need the LNN program anymore because I tried that many years ago.
I had been going to LNN and pretty soon I was convinced I really didn't need it that much anymore, and so I stayed away for a while. I like to refer to that period as my time off for bad behavior, because really and truly it didn't take me very long to slide back to being the exact kind of person that I used to be, the critical, jealous, and resentful person. So I did get back to LNN, thank God, and I really got both feet wet this time, and believe me, I've never been happier because my program helps me to stay aware of my shortcomings, and I know that it's only then that I can do something to try to correct them.
Let tolerance and courtesy begin with me. Now, LNN taught me how to keep an open mind and to listen to others. Even if I don't agree with them, because it took me a long time to realize that others are entitled to their own opinions without an argument from me, the know-it-all. I try to practice our slogan, live and let live, and what a great feeling it really is not to worry about what others think or do, and especially not to have to judge them for their actions.
I know today that I have truly a full-time job running Betty Brown's life without trying to run somebody else's life. I think that live and let live also helps me to cut down on the gossip that I may be tempted to repeat. I think this is so important. And I'd like to tell you that I feel that letting go had to begin with me. You know, I've always been the really bossy type at home and with other people, and I felt that my family should do and act exactly as I felt, you know, that they should.
And this caused a lot of unhappiness in our home. Now, when I began to release myself, Now, when I began to release each one of them with love and allow them to do the things that they like to do without the criticism and interference from me, I found, lo and behold, that they began to let go of me as well, and I began to do some of the things that I enjoy doing.
[00:15:18]
You know, I don't know why, but I always had this feeling that I wasn't allowed to do anything. You know, I just had to be there to take care of the home and my husband and the kids, and I wasn't allowed to do any of these things that I like to do, and consequently it made me very resentful. I didn't know that I could do them, and nobody would really care, you know, so this was really quite a thing, and now in our family we all sort of do our own thing, within reason, of course, and we are a much happier family.
You know, a friend of mine, some time back, who's not in Al-Anon, by the way, once said that she didn't think she'd like the idea of letting go of her family because this would seem to her that they would all go their separate ways and eventually drift apart, and I tried to explain to her that on the contrary, by letting go of my alcoholic and my family, this really has brought us closer together. I gave her a very small example of my husband golfing, for example. You know, he's a real golf nut, and I guess he really would rather golf than eat or do anything else, for that matter, you know, and frankly, there were many meals that he missed because he was out on the golf course, and this used to irk me to no end, really and truly, so that by the time he got home, I would be sullen and resentful and mad, and naturally this caused, you know, a great deal of arguments in our home, but you know, once I began to think about it, and once I learned to start letting go of him, to do the things that he really loves to do, without this interference from me, it really became very pleasant for all of us. Now, I have to say that now, very, very often, he will insist that the children and I come out to the club and meet him so that the kids can play a little tennis and maybe take a swim, and we wind up having a lovely dinner together, and we all come home very happy and a much, much closer family. So this is what I was trying to explain to my friend, that in letting go, I really became the winner, but you know, oftentimes, it's really kind of difficult for the person who doesn't belong to Al-Anon, you know, to understand our paradoxical ways.
I know it took me a long time, and only through regular attendance at meetings that we can learn these things. You know, we also have a married daughter back home who has a lovely family, and I really enjoy a truly close relationship with them, and it's simply because I practice my Al-Anon program, because without Al-Anon, I know I'm sure that I would probably have my nose in all their business, trying to tell them how to live when I, you know, really didn't even know how to live myself. It's no wonder that I love the Al-Anon program so much. It has given me just an entirely new way of life with love, honesty, purity, and unselfishness uppermost in my mind, and I pray that I will always have a grateful heart, because I really do have so much to be grateful for. You know, I was thinking this morning, here I am in beautiful Denver, Colorado, with a sober husband who really has turned out to be the greatest, and thinking about my wonderful kids back home, the good kids, and you know, because of the progress that I'm making in Al-Anon, I'm even beginning to like myself a little, you know, so I really have to count my blessings every day.
And I know that if I continue to live by the principles of this beautiful program, I shouldn't have any problem letting it begin with me. Thank you. Thank you, Betty. It's amazing, because she told my story. There's only one place I really could differ, and that was she said that she felt that she wasn't allowed to do things on her own. I didn't feel that way, but I didn't have time to do them. I had to stay home and worry.
[00:20:16]
That is one of the best descriptions, should I say, of how our attitude can be completely changed, and how beautiful an attitude we can develop when we let it begin with me through this fellowship. I look at this decoration as perhaps a measuring stick for me to assess my growth in this fellowship. As I say, I can look back in the early days before Al-Anon and realize that many things that I didn't want to happen to me began with me. And then in the early days of Al-Anon, we learned to make the coffee and welcome the newcomer.
And then Benny spoke to us about sponsorship, which is such an important part of our program. I would have never, never stayed in Al-Anon if it hadn't been for my sponsor. At that time, we were meeting every other week, and it just wasn't enough for me, and I was too sick. But my sponsor was… I talked to her several times a day, every day, for over a year, and I must say that I can never stress sponsorship enough.
And when I think of this, when I thought of it a few years back, I realized that this had to begin with me, too. My sponsor is no longer living. I was growing in this fellowship, so it was up to me to develop and prepare myself so that I could be a sponsor and help others as I had been helped. And this, again, had to begin with me. And now I'm going to ask Tom to share with you. I talked with him a few minutes yesterday and again this morning, and the personality just seems to bubble out.
And I asked him a few minutes ago how long he'd been in Al-Anon, and my reason for asking was he seemed so young. But then I wondered after I said it, am I getting to that point where everybody under 35 is young? Tom? Thank you, Gene, Betty. I'm like Betty. I try to be grateful for little things, and this morning the thing that I'm grateful for is that I had a chair automatically provided. I just can't begin to tell you how impressed I am to see so many people here at such an early hour. That's the truth. We thought that it might be just a handful. On top of that, when I got my letter, it said a panel, and I was thinking of a big, wide, long panel, and all of a sudden there's two of us.
So if any of the things that I say parallel the things that Betty said, it's because she could have told my story too, like Gene said. There may be a few people out here who could relate to some of those things. I don't know. Let it begin with me. This theme, when I first heard it, I thought, gee, that's a rather ambiguous theme. Let it begin with me, or term. Like Betty, what's the it that they have in mind here? Let it begin with me.
Right away, I fell into this trap that I had fallen into so many times of putting the emphasis on the wrong syllable. I'm putting that spotlight on it. Dr. Paul F., I think first I heard it from him, he called it analysis paralysis. We're so intent on analyzing the situation that we become paralyzed. We can't move forward. Let it begin with me. Some of the things that ran through my mind was let it, a new personal life adapted to the live and let live philosophy. Maybe that's it.
[00:25:13]
A new family life with me at the head, of course, where we could replace some of the tension. A lot of it has been replaced already, of course, but we could replace more of the daily frustrations with more understanding, more tolerance. Maybe it was meetings. Maybe the it was the meeting where we would go to and let every meeting that I attended begin with me in the sense that I would always be on the lookout for a new face.
Possibly this was their first meeting where I could break away from the group. You know how we get into groups with friends and a new person comes in and they just kind of wander around. It's sometimes difficult to separate ourselves from a nice discussion and go over and put our hand out and make this person feel really welcome and secure because as we all know, we're frightened. Make this person feel that here their problem will be understood and they'll get what they came for.
The more I thought about it, the more I, as I said, this analysis paralysis, I realized that the it wasn't the important word in that theme, that it was me was the important thing. All of these other things were true and as you and I know, a lot more could be added to that. There's just an endless number of things that the it could refer to. The important thing is that I'm the one who must initiate the improvements if I expect improvements in my life.
As Gene said, our only reason for ever looking back is simply to give ourselves a yardstick by which we can measure our growth. A lot of things began with me before Al-Anon. My wife had attended some AA meetings before I began attending Al-Anon and all of her AA meetings began with me. You know, we talk about alcoholism as being a family disease and I suppose this is as good a time as any to bring out some of the similarities that can occur.
For example, alcoholism being a family disease, there'll be some symptoms that we'll be able to recognize and I think it's important that we can see how these symptoms apply to ourselves. For example, I guess most alcoholics hide their bottles and my wife was no exception. She had a compulsion to hide her bottles and I realize now, of course, that the reason that she had to hide her bottles was to support a sick body. She needed that protection, that supply. But why did I have a compulsion to find every bottle that she hid?
There is the similarity in the disease, you see. It was just a driving force. I had to find every bottle that she hid. And finally, after associating with you wonderful people, the same compulsion that drove her to support a sick body and hide her bottles was the thing that was driving me to find every bottle. To find every bottle, I had, I was supporting a sick ego, you see, there was no way that she could hide a bottle that I couldn't find, and me again, she, like most alcoholics, she lied, and so I would choose truth as the counter to this,
[00:30:22]
I would demand an admission of guilt on her part when she would lie, I would say you were drinking, no, no, say you were drinking, no, no, and right away, you know, I bring this out purely to point out how sick I was, how sick we are when we come here, I demanded an admission of guilt on her part, here again, to support a sick ego, the idea that I, when I made an accusation, it, I had to have her admission of guilt to satisfy my ego that I was right, these are some of the things, you see, that I have learned, these are some of the things that, that I find kind of interesting, it's a family disease, it's, there are symptoms, and it's easy to look at the symptoms of the sick alcoholic, they have a psychological illness, physiological illness, spiritual illness, we have many of these same things, the psychological is some of the things that I just mentioned, physiological, when I came to this program, I was much thinner, if you can believe that, I don't know whether that's good or bad, I had a lot of other problems, stomach problems, diarrhea, throwing up all the time, you know, ego, if I had gone to my family physician and explained my symptoms to him, he would have said nerves, and he would have been right, and he would have put me on tranquilizers, number one, I wouldn't have gone to my physician because I was too proud, number two, if I had gone, he would have been right, but I certainly would not have told him the reason for my nerves, the fact that I was living in an alcoholic situation, because, you see, that would be an admission that I couldn't, that I couldn't be the head of the family as men are expected to be, you see, this is another trap.
So, some of these similarities in symptoms I think are kind of important to bring out. When I came to the program, a lot of times ladies will say, I think it's interesting to have a man in the meetings or as a speaker because you get the other side of the picture, you get another viewpoint, and this is probably true, particularly when it comes to the area of love. Women being strictly, mostly psychological and men being so physical, it's quite easy for a man to glow up or to glow with the idea that love and sex are synonymous, and this is, sometimes presents problems.
As Betty said, this man that she mentioned in her meeting when she said to this man, you know, that we love you, I can kind of understand how he would be confused. When you come to this program, you're sick, you know, and this is kind of a new philosophy. Thomas Merton, who I admire and try to read a lot of his work, he talks about love and he talks about selfishness, and he equates, he says that we are all born in selfishness, and then we grow out of this.
Now, in my case, being an only child, I missed some of the things that are very, very important in normal growth, psychological growth. When you have brothers and sisters, you learn at an early age to share, share your time, share your possessions. If you're an only child, you have no demands put on your time or on your possessions.
[00:35:14]
As a result, you grow just as selfish as you were at birth. You don't really change. Now, I, if I step on anyone's toes here, I must apologize. I stepped on someone, another lady's toes at another meeting when I said this one time. She said, well, my son is an only child, and he certainly is not selfish. Maybe not. That's good if he isn't, but, you know, the majority of times this is the situation.
So, as a result, you see, I grew not truly appreciating the meaning of love or what it meant. So, when I got into a situation here where love in the true sense of the word was really necessary for my survival or for me, it presented quite a stumbling block. I came to Al-Aman, and I don't think it's the abnormal to, when I say this, I think it's probably normal, but at that point, I wasn't sure whether I really loved this person that I had married or not.
She was just out of the hospital. She was doing something about her problem. She was desperately trying to resolve her problem. Still, here again, here is the abnormality that we experience when we come to this program. Ordinarily, if a person is hospitalized for an illness, the family is happy, but in the case of alcoholism, if the person goes to the hospital, how often does it happen that the patient is there in the hospital, and their family comes to visit them, and this patient thinks, boy, they're really going to be proud of me.
They're really going to be happy because here I'm doing something about my drinking. And we go in and say, well, it's about time. Just take all the wind out of their sails. That's a dangerous, very sad thing to do. It shows, again, some of the irrational type of thinking that we go through. We don't give the normal response that we should give. So when I came to Al-Anon, a lot of the things that would have been helpful to me, for example, an understanding of love, was absent there.
And I told Jean, she said that I was young and looking out over these people, you know, I feel very inexperienced in this program. But again, I think that the rate of growth in the program is directly proportional to the desperation that you have when you reach the program. And I was certainly a desperate person because I didn't know where to go from that point, you see. My wife had just been out of the hospital. She was in her program, but did I love her? I was really a very confused person.
I had very unhealthy ideas about alcoholism. I didn't understand that alcoholism. My father had been an alcoholic and had created the normal problems. So my attitude was very poor. And I reached out, you know, for help. I mean, what else is there? You know, you reach this point and you say, where do I go from here? I need some kind of help. So I started attending the Al-Anon meetings. Now, as I said earlier, she had attended AA meetings before I attended Al-Anon.
And I went to all the AA meetings with her and she didn't make much progress. And I could understand that really because she wouldn't follow any of my suggestions. I had a sponsor all picked out for her. I made sure that she understood all the important parts of the speaker's talk.
[00:40:01]
And I really, I did everything for her. So when I got to Al-Anon, when I got to this point where I realized that I needed help. You see, here I was beginning to put the emphasis in the right spot. I was taking that big spotlight that was always shining on other people, on her, on my father, on other people. Saying, you know what, if that was different, you know, this would work out for me. See, but it was always another, someone else was responsible.
Finally, when I could spin that big spotlight around and on me and say, Tom, you need help. You can't control, you can't control yourself, you can't control your wife, you can't control anybody. And you better get some help. You're in trouble. So, I came to Al-Anon and they gave me all of the things that are available. The reading materials. And I think that when you're at that point, when you're desperate like that.
Plus, when people say to you, if you keep coming to meetings, something will click. You'll hear something or you'll read something that will mean something to you. So, and that's good psychologically, you see, because they prepared me for some experience. And when I had made the decision that, well, you know, I'll give it a try. What have I got to lose? If it doesn't work, well, you know, I don't know where I'll go from there, but I'll give it a try.
And I wanted help. So, they gave me the literature and I started reading the literature. The ODAT book. Someone gave me the ODAT book. And I didn't read, you know, the way you're supposed to read it. I just sat down and I had a lot of time. I sat at the kitchen table and started reading my book from cover to cover. And when I got up to June the 13th, I stopped. You see, I had been prepared for this click to go off in my head.
And I guess psychologically I was kind of looking for something to latch on to. When I hit June the 13th, there was my old friend Thomas Merton again, see. And he said, the beginning of love. I thought, that's it. That's what I need. See, I'm all mixed up about love. And I need a beginning point. Because the ladies in Al-Anon had said, you know, that this would be my program. That I would have to work my own program.
And if I would work it right, this would be a beginning. And I thought, you know, where do you begin? And so this is what I was looking for, the beginning of love. The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves. And not to twist them to fit our own image. For by doing that, we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them. And it was right there. The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves.
So I thought, well, that's what I'll do. I'll let my wife be perfectly herself. Or imperfectly herself. Whichever she chooses to be. And I, of course, went on from that. But that was the thing that I hung on to. The beginning of love. And so when I don't get too far off, as I probably have already from the theme. The theme, let it begin with me. Here again, you know, how some of the words go together.
Let it begin with me. The beginning of love. All these things, after a while, run together. And like Betty said, love, whether it's in AA or whether it's in Al-Anon. Is the most important, is the key. The most important is the keystone, the cornerstone of both of these programs, and it's a kind of a love that I had never known before, and I certainly know it now, um, it's just, it's something really that, uh, has…
[00:45:21]
But when I think now of this slogan, Let It Begin With Me, this is what I think about, it's the, uh, it's just the whole, it's all of the, it's the bottom line on all of the slogans, those slogans don't mean a thing unless each one begins with me. There was a, uh, we attended a conference in French Lick, and, uh, one of the first conferences that we attended, and there was a priest said to Mass, and he was, he had a stroke or something, I guess, I'm not sure, but he was very slow, and he had a hard time saying things.
And we walked into Mass, and I saw that, I had talked with this priest earlier, and I saw that, uh, that he was going to say the Mass, and I thought, oh, I'll be here till noon, you know, it's going to take him forever to say Mass. And right before he, he said the Mass, he comes, comes walking down, and he says, I'm going to say this Mass this morning for all of you because I love you. And that was one of the first times that I had ever heard anyone say that with such conviction. And from that point on, of course, you know, I would have probably knelt there till supper time, you know, till he got finished.
But this was the feeling there. See, that's the, that's the feeling of love. It's, uh, it's just something that you really can't put into words. You have to put it into actions. So, let it begin with me. This, if you look around, excuse me, if you look around and you don't like what you see, you know, if you don't think, if you think there's people being discourteous to you, that you're not getting, uh, uh, the kind of treatment that you should get or things aren't just the way they should be, well, uh, change it by doing something for that person, you know, let it begin with me. It's, like the slogan, it's better to light one candle in the, uh, to light one candle than to curse the darkness.
And, uh, this is, this is what it's all about, really. I mean, let it begin with me. The, the, that spotlight must always be on me. If I don't like what I see, let it begin with me. That's it. Thank you, Tom. Thank you, Tom. There's one area that we haven't touched on, and I, I really feel strongly about it, too. Uh, I can remember several years ago being quite concerned about our fellowship as a whole. Uh, we didn't have the World Service Conference then, we didn't have assemblies.
And I was concerned as to just how permanent Al-Anon would be, and I knew that my very life depended on it. So when it came time to form assemblies and, um, for us to, we were asked to elect GRs in our groups, um, right away I could see the importance of this. And I looked around at everybody else, wondering, you know, who would do this. And although I didn't have this declaration at that time, I realized, why should I be looking at everybody else? Why not do it yourself if you're asked to do it?
And since that time, uh, growth in service for me has been just a tremendous experience. I feel that I have gained as much personally from working in service as any other part of Al-Anon. I think it's a wonderful way to get a full grasp of the program and to appreciate the value of a worldwide fellowship.
[00:50:00]
Serving as a group member comes first, taking our responsibilities in our group. Serving as a GR is, to me, it's just a joy to do it, and it's really fulfilling our responsibility as an individual. And then, of course, when we, if we go on to be DR, delegate, et cetera, um, we gain all, the person that's doing this gains all along the way, but it does have to begin with me. I do have to realize that we need people in service if we're going to have Al-Anon. So why shouldn't it be me? Why look at the next fellow and wonder why she or he doesn't take this responsibility?
I would just like to leave that thought with you. Now I'm sure that each one of you have thoughts that possibly you haven't entertained before after hearing our speakers, and we would like any questions or any thoughts that have come to you that you could share with us. We'd all benefit, I know. We do want your participation. Don't all speak at once. Yes? What percentage of Al-Anon membership are the spouses of pregnancy alcoholics?
Oh, that's a tough one. I think this varies in different places. You wouldn't have any statistics on it, Holly, no. All I can say is that locally where we used to have, I would say, 90%, maybe 95% who the husbands were in AA, now that percentage would be, I would think we'd have maybe 30% who had husbands, mates that were recovering from alcoholism, and 70% of them were living with the active problem.
And they're younger. Yes, they are much younger. That's true. How long have you been in Al-Anon? A little over three years. I'm curious. I'm not sure I'm coming. Go ahead. I'd like to ask that they comment on the reaction to a runaway 60-year-old. Come over here. That's rather a tough question, too, I think, because she wanted to know if I had anything to say about a 15-year-old runaway child. I really, of course, all I can tell you is that I had a friend, I have a very dear friend in Al-Anon, who had this very same situation except that her daughter was 18 years old.
And through this program, she was able to accept, you know, the fact that the girl wanted to be on her own. It was a very, very difficult thing for her to do, naturally, to let go of our children, especially a runaway child. But through this program, through Al-Anon, she learned a lot of prayer and a lot of meditation to release this child as well. She knew there wasn't anything she could do. She couldn't drag her back. She didn't even know where she was.
And I don't know what your situation is, whether you know where the girl is or not. But my friend was able to accept this fact, and she said without Al-Anon, there would be no way in the world. Now, I might add that actually, by letting go and letting God, she released the girl, put her in God's hands. And it has worked out very well, because after more than a year of not knowing even where she was, the girl made a contact in this past summer, did come home to see her parents, but she's gone again.
Maybe someone else has something that they could add. Perhaps, well, I'm very sure that laws in various states and provinces vary.
[00:55:01]
I am sponsoring now a teen group in a girls' training school, and their ages are from 14 to 17. These are all girls that have run away, and of course, when they're reported missing and then there's the court procedure, they're placed in, the judge determines what happens to them. Usually the first time they're sent home again, and then if they run away again, they're placed in the training school. But talking with these girls, I always have mixed feelings.
It's the hardest work in Al-Anon. I've worked in penitentiary work, and this is the hardest I've ever done. I can't help but feel heartache for the parents, and yet I realize that these children can't help, they can't seem to help what they're doing. They've got to get away and do their own thing. And there's no way that you can convince them, you know, that maybe they're injuring their whole life.
They just have to learn by experience. And when I get very concerned about this, I look back at my own life and the things that I had to learn the hard way, you know. We all have to, some of us, they have to go to greater lengths possibly than some of us did, and still we all have to learn by our experiences. It would be so nice if we could say to these kids, now if you do this, this is going to happen, you know, and we don't want that to happen, but it doesn't work.
It doesn't work. It's difficult, I know. Yes? Would you come up here, because I know they want to hear what you have to say. We'd like to have it on the tape. I don't know that I can do this. Oh, sure you can. I'll talk to you. I have a son who probably was 22, and it's been eight years. But I've had one miracle in my life, and I'm sure I'm going to have another. In the beginning, it was so difficult, and I was so filled with guilt and remorse for the things that I felt that I had done to promote the resentment, and that he certainly felt toward his father and myself.
But in the years that have, I have let go with love, I guess, is what you would say. I don't know what I've said, but… Thank you. We know what you've said, and that's the important thing. We know what you've said, and that's the important thing. We know what you've said, and that's the important thing. We know what you've said, and that's the important thing. We know what you've said, and that's the important thing.
We know what you've said, and that's the important thing. We know what you've said, and that's the important thing. Would Mr. or Mrs. Seymour Pollack call Mrs. O'Keefe, room 542? Yes? Mary Little has been said about… I can't hear you. Mary Little has been said about… Let it begin with me about Alateen Sponsorship. I was a sponsor for three years. I don't want anybody to replace me. That's how I was sponsored.
That's a very important part of Let It Begin With Me. This lady says that very little has been said about Alateen Sponsorship, and she has been trying for three years to get someone to replace her, right? I was. You were. This is happening all over. It is very difficult to get Alateen sponsors. I'm just hoping that this declaration will improve that situation, that people will go away from this conference, you know, feeling a greater responsibility in all areas of Al-Anon.
Holly? I know it is very difficult. My name is Holly. Hi, everyone. It is very difficult to acquire Alateen sponsors, but within my own home group and within our district, we have tried to invite Alateen speakers… We try to invite Alateen speakers to our regular Al-Anon meeting, include them on the program, and sort of incorporate them right within our own group.
[01:00:01]
And at the district level, when there is a local function, area convention or something like that, we try to get the registration fee for as many of the Alateen members as we can and send them to these large meetings, and that's one way you can help. I'm beginning to feel as if I'm putting on a program and we have commercials every few minutes. I've been asked to announce that those participants in the panel, Al-Anon's Daily Dozen, will they please meet today, Friday, at 4.30 in the Al-Anon Hospitality Room.
Questions, anyone? There's one area that I have never heard of in Al-Anon meetings, and it's very real for me to say we're from a small town. And the beginning for me was to let go of my husband to help women alcoholics. There's criticism on this too. His answer is there's no such thing as boy measles and girl measles, and there's no such thing as boy alcoholics and women alcoholics, that alcohol is a disease, and that sex doesn't have anything to do with it.
And I enjoy town so much because we just don't have a male Al-Anon. And the only reason I haven't had a chance to sponsor a male Al-Anon, I know it, because I've been praying for this. It's because of my motive. I want to see my husband to be as unjealous as I am. There was only one law I laid down with him. I said, if you're going to call them honey, then you've got to call me he-luv-it. Well, all I can say is I hope that some nice, tall, dark, handsome Al-Anon member comes along and wants you to sponsor him.
And that may solve a lot of the problems. Hi, I'm Beverly from Winnipeg. I wanted to respond to what you were saying. This is very difficult for me. I am a daughter of an alcoholic, and I think I ran away. I was a bit older, and I have not been home. Even though my family knows where I am, I don't phone anymore because I'm told that it's not necessary. And that's their problem, not mine. I can't do anything about them.
And I found out about Al-Anon just a little over a year ago. And I have been living on my own. I lived on my own with my brother since 1961. And then I lived on my own completely from 1968, off the university and working. And for me, whenever I went home, which I did because I love my family and I miss them, I really felt horrible. I felt like I wasn't living my life for myself. And I wanted to live my life for myself because I was a pretty empty person, but I was full inside and just had nowhere to put it.
And we all knew what was happening in our family, and we were all aware of what we could do for ourselves. And I was the only one that God worked through to make it happen for me, to make me be much more than I'll ever, I can ever dream of. And my family know where I am, and I live in Winnipeg, and I was raised in Toronto, Ontario, and I never get a letter. And that's their choice. And I visited, and when I visit, it's extremely unpleasant.
[01:05:01]
And on behalf of Al-Anon, I understand much more now, and I'm able to use my program to reinforce myself, saying, Oh, you're okay, you're pretty nice, Beverly, and you're doing something about it. But it's really hard, and I'm still very young. I don't know when I'll ever be able to go home and not get sucked into the fighting and the manipulation and being made to feel like, you know, you're not like so-and-so down the street, and it's just because of me, isn't it, and everything else.
And to me, it's not worth it because, you know, I want to live because I really love life. And that's what God wants me to do, too. You know, I'm part of God. And the only way I can work in a healthy way for him is to take care of me first. I'm not selfishness. I wanted to respond to you because I, too, work in reformatories, and I work as a parole officer and family therapist. So I've had both sides of it personally and, you know, professionally.
And I can really understand how a person feels when their child isn't there, but I also understand how the child, doesn't matter what age we are, feels when they put forth 100% and more and get nothing. It's pretty lonely. So I just do away with it. I do away with it. I can't be bothered. But it's not a bitterness. It's just out of love for myself. It's beginning with me. It began with me years and years and years and years ago.
And then when I met Al-Anon just a while ago, it was reinforced. So I hope that, you know, you can maybe understand a bit more what it's like, too, to have to go home. For a younger person, maybe it's different reasons, but while I was very young, you know, when I was on my own with a kid brother, you know. So, and I'm all right. I'm happy. Thank you, Beverly, for sharing with us. I don't think that's selfishness.
I believe that we're all God's children and God wants each and every one of us to develop to our utmost, and that's what you seem to be doing. And I don't really, I think that's what's expected of us by a power greater than ourselves or a loving God, as I like to speak of him. And I don't believe that that's selfish. Can I respond to that? Yes. Hi, everybody. My name is Norris. I'd like to respond to the lady's question about the vice versa.
The way the men members of AA that I know handle this situation, the easiest way is to take the wife along because for many reasons she can be of great help. Of course, if the gal's in real bad shape physically, she can be of help there. So this is one of the simplest ways of getting around it. The only other thought I have on it is that just being an alcoholic doesn't change anybody's spots. And if this is the only excuse they have for doing this, they're strange people because if this is along their line of behavior, just 12-stepping a woman alcoholic is not going to be the only opportunity.
So I don't feel that it's that much of a problem per se as far as working with a woman. But the easiest way out is, at least for the people that I know of, is they take their wife along. Thank you, Norris. I'm looking for hands. Up. Hi, everybody. I'm Lenore from Calgary, Alberta, Canada. There's just one thing I think would make this beautiful meeting complete. In our group at home, we are getting more alcoholic,
[01:10:04]
I should say members of alcoholics anonymous joining our al-anon meetings, and they're just beautiful. And I'm just wondering how many, this is sort of a growing situation, but we also have a reverse where we have a male alcoholic coming in, too, where he's married to a member of alcoholics anonymous. But it seems to be a growing thing in our part of the country, and I hope that we get more information and help from the World Service Office.
I was really supposed to be an intergroup this morning, but I just had to come in here. So I was just wondering if there's any other comments and any help that I don't know about yet. We're just letting it start with me in this situation, too, where it's just a little different, and yet these dear, beautiful people have a double barrel problem. They not only need al-anon, but they need alcoholics anonymous, and my heart really goes out to them.
So if there's any other comments or help that we can get, we sure appreciate it. Thank you. Applause Norris would like to respond to your question. At the risk of talking too much, but this is something I feel very strongly on. There's only one reason for a person attending an al-anon meeting, and that is when they're concerned about the drinking of someone close and dear to them. Whether they're an alcoholic, a Democrat, a Republican, or a Presbyterian is completely irrelevant.
And for me personally, the minute a person announces that they are a member of AA, they've got three strikes against them because up until that point, I assumed that they're there for one purpose. The minute they make that declaration, they then put themselves in the position of justifying their attendance at a meeting. Now this is just my personal opinion. So I feel that as an alcoholic, their attendance at a meeting is completely irrelevant.
The only reason they're there is to get the support and the help that any other person who is living with this devil of alcoholism as it affects someone near and dear to them. And this is the only reason. Any other reason is completely irrelevant. Thank you, Norris. We feel strongly about this. We're in the group that I belong to, and it's a small group. It's a small town. For a long time we just had one lady who was a member of AA, and it was very difficult for her.
All the other AA members were men, and she felt different and she felt uncomfortable, and she felt because she was an alcoholic she wasn't a lady and, you know, all of these things that go through a person's mind. So because she was a friend of many of the Al-Nan girls, we invited her to come to Al-Nan. She always says that she got a great deal of help. She was certainly helpful to us. And after a while another lady joined AA, and she was invited to come.
And then there was a third, and I could see that we were getting too out of proportion with AA and Al-Nan, and it was going to lead to trouble for our group because you can't have both. It's strictly Al-Nan. So it was suggested. We explained, and they understood, and we suggested that they start their own group, a discussion group the same night, and then we could all have coffee together. And this has worked out beautifully.
So they started. It wasn't long until they had five girls, and then they decided that they were getting so much out of this discussion group that they would like to branch out, and they asked any of the members of AA, whether they be men or women, they were welcome to come. Whether they be men or women, they were welcome to come, and we, this is the way it has worked out, but I do think that we have to be careful to keep it strictly Al-Anon, and not, if it gets heavy of members who are AA, I think, my thinking is that they should have their own group.
[01:15:06]
Anyone at risk? I'd like to get back to what Betty and Tom were saying about let it begin with me in that the time was when we were trying to manage the alcoholic's life instead of our own. Well, a little, I don't know if anybody else has had this happen, but since my husband is sober, many times, he knows what I should be doing. I'm not difficult in handling this. Laughter Would anyone like to respond to that?
Yes. I'd like to reply to her a minute. When we started shutting down, there was one week in Al-Anon, which is Carolina, and the next week at night, Amos, and we would meet together, and talk to each other, and in Al-Anon, we'd sit up, payment for whatever the topic was, and so we'd tag Amos. And this way, they'd have to know both sides of the coin. And this might be a thing. Laughter I'd like to comment on your remark, Betty.
I heard one time that you should keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half-closed after marriage. Laughter And I'll add to that, your mouth completely shut. Laughter Not really. I think, though, that the AA members really miss a lot by not attending some Al-Anon meetings. It functions like this where it's very easy in not reading maybe more of Al-Anon literature. Now, this is, I don't think, a wise thing for a new AA member because they should be 100% engrossed in their own program, of course, but after they get some sobriety and some stability, I think it's good that they learn some of the things that Al-Anon has to offer just to prevent situations like this.
Understanding, of course, that they are not in Al-Anon and they really don't benefit from some of the things that we do, I see the only recourse to that is just understanding. Understanding that they really don't understand the Al-Anon philosophy and if they… And I've had this problem on occasion myself. My wife does an excellent job of running her own program. She really does. Much better than I run mine.
And she does such a good job that occasionally she feels that she's well-qualified to run my program, too. And I found that the best way to handle this situation is for me just to keep my mouth shut. And it just all kind of goes away. If I just don't say… If I say anything, it's just… Whether it's the right thing to say or the wrong thing to say, it always seems to, you know, muddy up the water.
So in my case, I've just found the best way is just to keep my mouth shut, not say anything. Let it pass. Applause I would like to remind you to pick up your Keepsake program. I think they're just… I think the information in them is something that we'll always cherish. I intend to take several copies back to friends that couldn't be here. So that's just a reminder. And may each of us benefit from this theme in our daily lives long after this convention is way down memory lane.
And thank you so much for your participation. You've been a great audience. Applause I'd like to thank my speakers and will you please stand and join me in closing with the Serenity Prayer? God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference. Amen.