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Source: Jennell F – BOX OF CHOCOLATES – 2025-08-28.m4a File: jennell-f-box-of-chocolates-2025-08-28.mp3 Duration: 00:50:22
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Okay. Hi, family. My name is Janelle, and I am an alcoholic. And thank you, everybody, for being here. Thank you, Ramona, for doing service and asking me to speak. And I want to welcome anybody that's new or coming back or counting days, you know, welcome. You're in a safe place. My sobriety date is March 30th, 1994. So I have something like 11,474 days. Just saying. And for that, I'm truly, truly, truly grateful. And, you know, I was thinking, you know, about my life and how God has been taking care of me from day one, really. And, you know, growing up, I was a good kid, you know, like I had everything that anybody would ever want for their child. I had a good family, two parent home. I have a younger brother.
I was the oldest. I was the firstborn. So I was spoiled. Both grandmas on both sides were alive when I was born. And they just spoiled the buttons out of me. You know, I got all the new dolls and all the new the new clothing and the roller skates and the bicycles, all of that good stuff. But there was something going on inside of me. And I was like irritable at a young age. Like, I think it was too much love that I was getting. And it made me very uncomfortable. And I think about like, how could you get too much love? Well, I got too much. And I was uncomfortable.
So at a very young age, I found out how to lie and steal. I had sticky fingers when I was a little kid. And I remember when I was about 11 years old, 11, 12, my grandmother had some money in her pocketbook. She had a $100 bill in her pocketbook. And I took the $100 bill and I went to the corner store and I bought myself one piece of two cent bazooka bubblegum. So there was a neighbor in the store that day too. And she saw me and she was like, Janelle, what are you doing with all of this money? And I was like, my grandma gave it to me.
It's a little liar. So she was like, all right, we're gonna go down the block and see what's going on. So she took me down the block and she confronted me and told my grandmother what she saw and what I did. And my grandmother kind of like, just like, oh, yeah, that's okay. You know, so that told me like, oh, I could get away with these things, you know. So I kept at it, you know. Then I had some, my aunt and my grandmother, they smoked cigarettes. And I was very interested in cigarettes because I saw them, you know, I don't want to try that out.
And they smoked Winston cigarettes. Really bad cigarette, really hard, hard, hard. But I stole a pack of their cigarettes, went outside, smoked a cigarette. It made me dizzy. And I liked that feeling. So I'd smoke four cigarettes, you know, just this feeling, you know, I was chasing a feeling. So, okay. So now let's move to like 13, 14 years old. I had some friends that lived around the corner from my grandmother's house.
And we used to drink like Golden Champagne and little Budweiser nips and stuff like that and smoke funny trees. You know, we do that. And I love going to her house because her grandma, I mean, because her mom was bedridden. So we could do whatever we wanted, you know, in her house. And I remember we would always keep the shades down because like when you kept the shades down, you were cool, you know, you don't want any sunlight, you know, to disturb you while we were doing what we were doing. And I loved it, you know, and I remember one day her mom had said to me, you know, she said, Janelle, you're such a nice girl. Why are you hanging out with my daughter? Because she already knew her daughter was up to no good. And she just couldn't understand why, you know, I was hanging out. And I need to tell you, I was going to Catholic school at that time. And I used to wear my uniform and come over to the house and get blasted. It just was just something I did. And so when I got to high school, I went to this high school, New Utrecht High School. And every day going to school, we ride the B train, the back of the B train, and we would drink and we would smoke cigarettes.
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And like sometimes when the train would stop and the doors would open, the amount of smoke that would come out of the back of the train, you thought it was on fire. Like that's how much we were smoking and drinking and partying. And we did this every day. So every day I go to school, and I would just sit on, be on the outside of the school. I never went inside. I didn't want to go inside because the party was always outside. And if I did go to any classes, I only went to two classes that I was interested in. And that was gym and typing, because I wanted to look good. And I wanted to be a secretary. So I had some ambitions and some goals, you know, but you need the other classes too. But, you know, I want to stay out and party with my friends. And by the time I got to 12th grade, couldn't get out, didn't have enough credits. And I was already pregnant with my first son. And I didn't drink when I was pregnant with him. And I took care of myself and I had him at 17. And I was able to go to a program where I could get my GED, and I could also go to work. So I got out of high school, got the GED. My mom and my grandmother said that they would take care of my baby for me and told me to go on and work and do what you have to do. And the first job that I got, I landed on Wall Street. And, you know, Bill talks about how he had arrived. Well, I had arrived at this job because you could drink for breakfast, lunch and dinner. People used to have on their desk a styrofoam cup full of orange juice and vodka. Nobody drank coffee. Nobody. I was like, wow, this is the place, you know.
And I'd go to work every day and I'd be drinking and doing other stuff. And every night after work, we'd end up at the Blarney Stone. And I loved the Blarney Stone because they'd have the drinks lined up for you and stuff. And sometimes during the afternoon, we would go to McCann's and people used to tell me, you got to eat French fries and gravy and coat your stomach before you go and drink so you won't throw up. You know, so I'd eat gravy with the French fries. Like that was the thing, you know. But something started happening. Like Friday, I would get paid in the morning and I'd be broke by Friday evening. And I was trying to figure out what was happening. Well, what was going on was that I owed people money, you know. I had bar tabs that I needed to pay and people I borrowed money from. And I started paying them back the money. And I was just trying to figure out, like, how am I going to get some more money to get some more booze and everything else I wanted?
So I started supplementing my income by trying to sell marijuana at work. And that didn't work out well. I became my best customer. So that was an idea. You know, as an alcoholic, like we have some good ideas. I got a bright idea. You know, maybe I should try that, you know. So that didn't work. So I said, well, I got to leave this job and go get another job. And at that time, you could get a job like, bing. So I left that job and I went to Midtown and I started working in advertising.
And advertising was a lot of fun. But we used to get free samples of all kinds of things. And they gave us two hours for lunch. Do you know what you could do for two hours for lunch? I would be so high, so drunk. And I used to keep Visine in my pocket because my eyes were always bloodshot. And I would eat those things called no-dose. That's way before Red Bull, y'all, OK, for the youngsters. That was our no-dose of the time, was those things, right? So I'm taking these pills. And let me tell you, you take enough of those pills, you'll be up for a long time. But when you got to go to sleep, look out. You're just going to pass out somewhere and just sleep. And that's what would happen to me, you know. And again, I'm having this money problem again. I'm running out of money. So I got another idea. I'm going to leave that job, go find another job to make more money. Because I didn't know that this alcoholism was like, it was progressing, like this disease, it was just progressing. And I didn't even know that's what it was until I came in here. And I left that job. And now I went to a pharmaceutical company.
Do you know what you could do at a pharmaceutical company? It's a lot of free drugs there. Lots of cough medicine. Oh, my gosh. Cough medicine on the rocks. Like, it was just crazy. Like, the stuff that I did. But after a while, I didn't want to go to work. You know, I was getting tired of going to work. It was a lot. And I started temping. And I thought maybe
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that I could manage my own life by temping. And that didn't work too well. And then I just stopped working. And I went on public assistance. And that's where my alcoholism really took off. Because now I don't have to go to work. I don't have to report to anybody. I just got to show up at the check cashing place to pick up my money, my food stamps and my money. And so what was happening was that I started hanging out with people that I really didn't want to hang out with.
And I was doing things that I really didn't want to do. I would take my food stamps and I would flip my food stamps. Like, you would have a $10 stamp. I'd go to the bodega and he would give me seven for ten. And I would buy alcohol with that money. And I was supposed to be buying food for my family. But alcohol, it was more important. And I remember in 1990, I was hanging out in an apartment with some people that had a really bad cold and it wouldn't go away. And the people at this place, they wanted me to get some help because I just sounded bad. And I remember I went home and I told my dad I didn't feel well. And he took me to the hospital. And when I got to the hospital, I had a fever of 104. I was hearing voices in the room. There was nobody in the room with me. And I was spitting up this like brown stuff. And the doctor came in and he said, you know, if you didn't get here when you did, you might have died. He said, because you have walking pneumonia. And then he says, and by the way, you're five months pregnant.
So when he said that, I don't remember being pregnant. I just didn't remember it. And I had to sit in that bed for a while and think about it. And I was like, oh, yeah, I remember now. You know, and I tried to push that pregnancy as far down as I could. But you know, you cannot not be pregnant. I didn't look pregnant because I didn't take care of myself physically. I didn't eat properly. I would eat bags of potato chips and drink the colored water, which was 25 cents, and everything else went to booze. So I really wasn't taking care of myself. So I had to stay in the hospital for 10 days, and they pumped me up with penicillin and cleaned me out.
And for the rest of the pregnancy, I did not drink or do anything else. And it's only by God's grace that my son was born alive and healthy. And see, God was watching over me a long time, and I didn't even know it. So now I got two kids and went back to drinking. That's what you do. So now I'm out in the streets doing stuff, hanging out. And my favorite thing was telling my mom, I'm going to the store to get some milk for the baby. And I would take a couple of hours, sometimes two days, sometimes two weeks to come back. And if you could see my mom's face, she was so hurt. And I didn't know that I hurt people when I drank. I affected so many people by my drinking, because I only thought I was hurting myself. I didn't know I was hurting her.
So fast forward to 1994. My dad is really sick. And in January, he goes into the hospital. And before he went into the hospital, he looked at me and he said, Janelle, promise me that you'll get your life together, because he knew I was a mess. And I told him, I said, I would. And he died on January 24th of 1994. And I came in in March. So between January and March, I was going down. I was hitting bottom. I was hitting my bottom. And I don't remember his funeral. I don't remember a lot of stuff. I was just, I was drunk. So one day I was out from being in the streets for a long time. And my mom, she waited for me to come home. And she threatened me. She told me that she was going to make a phone call. And I really didn't know who she was going to call, if she was going to call BCW for them to come take my kids, or was she going to call the cops to come lock me up, because she just didn't know what to do with me. So that night I went to bed.
And I said, you know what, I got to do something about my drinking. And I remember I went to the Yellow Pages. And see, before cell phones and internet, we had the Yellow Pages. So it's a big book like that, you know. And I'm looking in this book for rehab. And I found a rehab. And I told my mom that I found a place that I could go. And she didn't believe me. Because everything that came out of my mouth was a lie. So was a lie.
So we get on the train, oh, the guy at the rehab said that I needed to be there at 5
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a.m. I heard 9 a.m. So we got on the train, we went somewhere in the city up on the hill, and I got there at 9 o'clock, and of course there were no beds. And if you could see my mother's face, she was really hurt that I wasn't going to go and get some help, because she really wanted me to get help, just wasn't ready. So a couple of weeks go by, and now, you know, I find another rehab. I called and I told them that I needed some help.
I drink a lot and I do other things. I said, I need help. And they said, okay. And they didn't have a bed right away. So they said, if you keep calling us, you know, maybe something will open up. So I remember I cut the ad out from the yellow pages and I kept it in my wallet, and I would call in between drunks, like, okay, let me see if they're ready for me. Hello? Y'all got a bed? You know, like, I was just calling them, just to be calling them, and then one day they said they had a bed.
I was like, what? I was like, okay. So like, at that point, I knew that I had to say goodbye to the people that I was hanging out with, because I knew that I was going someplace to get help, and I knew that I couldn't continue doing what I was doing with the same people. And when I got to that rehab, I must have been about 90 pounds, I had really dark, dark circles underneath my eyes, my fingertips were yellow, I had a scar from my head when I used to have hair, and my hair was all matted, and I hadn't taken a shower in a long time.
It didn't smell good. Because see, when I drank, you didn't shower. Like for what? That's too much time. You've got to do other stuff. So I didn't smell good. And I remember I packed a suitcase full of dirty clothes, because see, when I drank, I didn't wash clothes either. So, you know, stink on stink, okay? That's how I lived. So I remember the lady at the nursing station, she said, she gave me a big book, a basic text, a living sober, a 12 and 12, a notebook, and a folder, and she told me that I was going to be all right.
And I wanted to know, how did she know I was going to be all right? Because I didn't feel all right inside. I had such a hole that was in my stomach, in my soul, and I tried to fill it with alcohol, men, sex, whatever I could fill it with, and it just stopped working. So I took all of those things with me to my room, and, you know, my journey began. AA would come up every night at eight o'clock. They would put us in the day room, and they would say, AA is here.
And I was like, oh, they're a bunch of losers, you know, because I didn't believe nothing y'all had to say. And I resented y'all, because you would come at eight o'clock when all the TV shows came on, and they'd cut the TV off, AA is here, so I was like, whatever, you know. So they would come and tell their stories, but this one day, this guy was telling his story, and I was, listen, I was like, wait a minute, I drank like that, I did those things too.
And what I remembered about him was that you could see the whites of his eyes, and that was something that really just, it just blew me away, because for a long time, you could not see the whites of my eyes, and I wouldn't even look you in your face. And this guy was looking everybody in their face and telling their story. And I wanted what he had. And they had another speaker come up there, his name is Willie T, he's passed on, but I remember he said, you know, make sure you read page 449 about acceptance in the third edition.
And then he said, don't get too complacent in this program. He said, if you get complacent, come place your behind in a meeting. And I've never forgotten that. So don't get too complacent, you know. And they also said one out of the 30 was going to make it. And I was like, really? Well, maybe that one has to be me, because I didn't want to go back to where I just came from. And they said that if I was to pick up one drink, my misery would be refunded right at the door.
And see, at the end of my drinking, I was hanging out in abandoned buildings with people doing things that I did not want to do, saying yes, when I really wanted to say no. And I didn't want to go back there. So after I came out that rehab, I took the suggestion, I said, go to a meeting.
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So where I lived, it was people, places, and things. It was my neighborhood. And I was like, what am I going to do? So I remember I had a Walkman. Yeah, I'm dating myself. I had a Walkman. Put on my Walkman, my headset, you know, went to the meeting. And people waving to me in the street, hey, Janay, looking good, you know. And I heard at that meeting, they said, you know what, the first one is free.
So I just kept on walking to the meeting because they would get me high before I would try to get them sober. You know what I'm saying? So like, I didn't want nothing they had. So I went to my first meeting, and the people at the meeting, they were like, they were just happy. And I was like, how are these people happy? Like ain't nobody high, and y'all happy? Like I just couldn't understand it. I remember they gave me a meeting book, and they circled all of these meetings in the book.
And they said, we go to these meetings every day. We want to see you at these meetings. I was like, well, I don't know if I go to a meeting every day. And somebody said, well, did you drink every day? I said, yeah. They said, well, you go to a meeting every day. So I started going to these meetings, and they told me I needed to get a sponsor. I was like, why I need that? You know, like I'm grown. I'm 26 years old.
I'm grown. Yeah, OK. I need me a sponsor. But I did not like the women, really. The guys really look better. You know, like I was like getting with the guys. That's what I wanted to do. And so I found a lady that I asked her to be my sponsor, because I liked her sobriety. And she told me that she couldn't take me on at the time because one of her sponsors had overdosed and died. And she was in a lot of grief.
And she was like, Janelle, I can't. She said, but I want you to still look around for a sponsor. And I started going to meetings and just listening. And I found a woman that I liked, and I asked her to be my sponsor. And she said, OK, we can do this. And I called her every day. You know, she told me to call her every day. She said, call me for the first 90 days. Let's see if we, you know, mesh. And I was like, OK.
And I call her and we talk. And it was OK. You know, it was a new experience, like picking up the phone and talking to somebody, you know. And I remember they used to tell me, like, keep some quarters in your pocket and keep candy in your pocket. And you know, because I'm detoxing still off of the alcohol. And I didn't really know that alcohol had that much sugar in it, but it made sense because I used to find meetings that had good hospitality.
If you had some good cookies and good cake, I was there. And the coffee needed to be spot on. That instant stuff, OK, that's what kept me coming in the beginning. So I saw the steps on the walls, like, oh, those are nice, you know, shades, you know. And I thought about, you know, maybe picking out a couple of those steps that I would do. I wasn't going to do all of them, you know, like cafeteria, like, I like number one.
Can't do two, three, four. How about one and 12? Like, I wanted to do those steps, you know. But what I really liked was the slogans. The slogans are my jam, OK, because that was something that was so much easier for me to digest at the time. And I look at the slogans as the banisters to the steps, because I eventually got to the steps. But the slogans, like, keep it simple, but for the grace of God, there go I, this too shall pass.
I still use slogans today. So, you know, I started, like, looking at the first three steps. I said, you know, I need to start doing some of this stuff, this work. And I stayed on the first three steps for a long time, because that fourth step, no, I'm not doing it. That's too much. Like, I didn't want to tell my sponsor about me. I didn't want her to know nothing, you know, I just wanted to keep things to myself.
And I remember I used to go to a big book study meeting, and we'd go over the first 164 pages every night. I mean, every week we'd read parts of the big book. And this guy, Arthur, who passed away too, he said to me, he said, Janelle, when are you going to become a part of the program? And I was like, what do you mean? I was like, I am part of the program. He said, no. He said, you're part of the fellowship.
He said, this is the fellowship. He said, the program is the first 164 pages, and doing that fourth step, that is the program. So I was like, okay, okay, so all right, you know, you got me. So I went home, started doing this fourth step, you know, because I had the sheets and
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all this stuff, whatever, it was a big project, right? So I'm doing this fourth step. So now I got to do a fifth step with my sponsor. So I called her, I told her I was ready to do this, and she was like, come on over, you know, and I went to her house and sat down on her kitchen table, and she was at the sink washing dishes, and I began doing my fifth step. And you know, my sponsor was laughing at some stuff, and she was like, ooh, yeah, I did that too.
Ha, ha, ha. And I was like, what? And she said to me, she said, Janelle, you're not unique. She said, if it has a name, somebody's already done it. So I didn't even invent nothing, you know what I mean, I was like, oh my gosh. So anyway, I did that, and you know, I really felt some relief, because I had finally told somebody who I was. And I was finally able to see those character defects, you know, those survivor skills that I was out there using, that I no longer need to use them in here to survive, because I'm living in here, I'm not surviving today.
And you know, after I did it, I went home, I sat, and you know, I started writing down, you know, some of those character defects and looking at them. And I work on those on a daily basis, you know, they're not all gone, like, they'll never be all gone, you know, it's just like, just for today, I haven't acted out on a character defect, just for the day, that's all I got is today. And when I got to the eighth step, you know, I made the list, and my list wasn't that long, but there was some financial things there, like the IRS and higher education.
And it was funny, because in year two of my sobriety, I had gotten a job. And when you get a job, and you owe people money, like big, big, big people, they know you working. Like, she's working, she's working, go get your money, you know. So I told my sponsor, I was like, the IRS is after me, blah, blah, blah. She was like, okay, well, we're going to sit down, and you're going to write a budget. And then you're going to call them and tell them this is your budget, and what can you give them every two weeks.
And this is way before I was at step nine. This is my second year of sobriety, and I was still in step three. But at that time, I had to go to nine, as soon as I got a job. So I started paying these people this money. And in the middle of paying off this money, like, I think I was getting ready to make another payment, the last, close to the last payment. And a letter comes in the mail, and it said that I didn't owe as much money as they said I owed.
It was actually cut in half. So it was less, and I was like, God was in the computer. He was in the computer. He broke down that balance, and I was like, whoa. So when that happened, I said to myself, God is preparing me for something, and I don't know what it is, but He's preparing me for something. So in year four of my sobriety, my family got evicted, and I had to find an apartment. And what's the first thing they do when you're looking for an apartment?
A credit check. And they did this credit check, and it came back in two days, and I had perfect credit. And I said to myself, that stuff that I took care of in year two was preparing me for year four. Oh! So, like, God be working some stuff out, and you don't even know it until He brings you to it. And He's like, see? And I was like, okay. So that's how I got my apartment, because I took care of that stuff.
I made those financial amends, and it was three of them I had to make, and I'm good today. All right, so fast forward, in year seven or eight, I have two sons, right? So my second son, I was trying to get some child support from his dad. I had some child support from his dad, and he wanted to take a DNA test, okay?
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So he took this DNA test, and it came back that he was not the dad. And I was, like, devastated, and it just showed me how deep my alcoholism went, because I was out there just doing whatever I wanted to do with whoever I wanted to do it. I didn't know who his dad was. And I had such shame and guilt from that. So I started thinking about some of the guys that I was hanging out with that I can remember, and I actually saw one of them, and I asked him if he would take a DNA test, and he was like, okay.
And he took the test, but he wasn't the dad. And then there was another guy that I saw in my old neighborhood, and he said to me, he said, how's my son doing? I don't know. But he was also the neighborhood drug dealer. I really didn't want to be bothered with him, because he said to me, I'll take the DNA test, but you'll have to be my woman. And I didn't want that. So I told my sponsor, and my sponsor said, Janelle, she said, God is his father, and you are his mother.
And I left that alone. And, you know, I carried that for a long, long time, because I have to tell my son that I don't know who his dad is. And it took a really long time for me to tell him that. And once I did tell him, he wasn't mad, you know, he was sad. He was very sad about it. And I just said, you know, but I love you, you know, and we're good. He and I, we're good, you know. But it just showed me how my alcoholism affected so many people in so many ways.
So now let's fast forward. We come to September 11th, 2001. I worked in the World Trade Center. I was in Tower One. And I was working that day. It was a beautiful Tuesday morning. And my home group is down there, Exchange Views, and went to the morning meeting like I usually do and then went to work. And I was typing this email because I was a timekeeper at that time. And I was trying to get everybody's time cards, and they just were giving me a hard time.
And I remember I wrote this like really nasty email like, give me a time sheet or else. And the next thing you know, the building shakes. And I'm like, whoa, you know, like what is that? And I remember I went outside of my cubicle and I looked out the window. And I remember I saw all of this stuff falling out of the window. I saw computers. I saw sheets of paper and stuff. And one of the managers there, he was like, Janelle, we got to get out of here because this doesn't look good.
I said, OK. And I grabbed my bag. And I remember I went in the hallway. So like in the Trade Center, it was like a T-shaped hallway. So you had stairs to your straight ahead and then you had stairs on the left. So I went to the staircase in front of me. And when I went there, I couldn't fit in the staircase because there was just so many people. And I got quiet and a voice was like, go to the left.
And I went to the left and there was room for me to get in. And I remember I was walking down the stairs and I remember seeing the firemen come up. And I just had a feeling in my stomach like they're not going to come back downstairs. I just had that feeling. And I'm walking down the stairs. It took about a half an hour to get down. I worked on the 37th floor. So it took about a half an hour to get down.
And when I came outside, when I got down to the ground floor, the elevator was like squished down. It looked like Godzilla had pressed down on the elevator. And there was like stone all over the place and water. And I remember I came out of my building and I just looked up in the sky and I saw the plane sticking out. And I said, well, they'll probably put the fire out and we'll be able to go back to work.
And and I didn't know what to do. And I thought, well, maybe I should go to my home group because that's a safe place for me. And again, the voice inside was like, no, go home.
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And I lived in the Bronx at that time. And I remember getting on the train and I made it to like this part of the Bronx. They call South Bronx, which I had never been in because I lived in Parkchester. And I got outside and I called my family and my brother was crying. And I was like, why are you crying? And he was like, the train center just went down. He said, I thought you were dead. And I said, no.
I said, I'm here in the Bronx, you know. And my whole family, they just couldn't believe that that I had made it out. So I'm standing on the corner in the South Bronx and I don't know anything. And I'm like, how am I going to get home? Because the trains had stopped. And the voice again, it said, go around the corner. And when I went around the corner, there was a taxi stand. I had never been in this neighborhood.
It was a taxi stand. And I go in and they have it on the TV and everything. And I asked them, I said, can you give me a taxi? I need to go home. And they were like, did you see that? I said, I just came from there. I was like, I need to go home to my family. And I remember I got home and my kids were there because my boyfriend picked up my kids for me. And I remember I had on an outfit that I just bought this outfit too from QVC.
It was a nice linen outfit with rhinestones. It was beautiful. It was beautiful. But it smelled like jet fuel. OK, like it's not the look you're looking for. So I had to like get rid of that. I had to take a shower because my hair had gotten all messed up and I just smelled really bad, you know. And I stayed quiet for a couple of days. But you know what? I didn't drink. I didn't have a desire to drink.
Didn't want to drink. I was in shock for a couple of days. And I would go to meetings and I would listen and I would talk to people. But I, you know, I didn't drink by God's grace. And I look at it, you know, that day somebody tried to kill me, you know. But I tried killing myself with alcohol on a regular basis, you know. And every time the September 11th comes around, I do something for myself. I don't watch TV.
I'll go to either a movie or take a bike ride, bubble bath, massage, go to a nice restaurant, do something for myself. Because, you know, I just that day was a lot. And I'm sad because there are a lot of people that died that day. But there's also a lot of people that lived. And we're like in our own class, you know. But there were some people that I knew in the program that drank that day. You know, it was different for everybody.
But I listened to that voice that was inside, that connection that I have with God. Because he talks to me a lot. You know, I just have to like pay attention. So after 9-11, you know, went back to work not too long after that. And my job was like really close to the Wall Street area. And it was a lot. You know, they had somebody come in and like evaluate us to make sure that we were OK. And, you know, I just went to meetings.
I went to retreats. I did things, you know, just to heal myself. And I couldn't walk near the scene for a long, long time. I still don't really go down that way. But, you know, I didn't drink. A lot of things have happened to me in this program since I've been here. And I have not found it necessary to drink. So fast forward, you know, I moved back to Brooklyn in 2012, came here to take care of my grandmother and them.
And, you know, by applying the principles in my life, I'm able to help other people in my life by practicing honesty, open mindedness, willingness, patience. And I'm tested all the time with stuff, you know, and I just apply the principles of the program. Real, real simple. I live in Steps 10, 11 and 12. I take that daily inventory and I look at how was my day today? You know, where was I wrong? Did I harm anybody today?
You know, and if I need to make an amends, I make that amends.
[00:40:01]
You know, I try to keep my side of the street clean. And I love Rule 62. Don't take yourself so darn seriously. It's not that serious, you know. So. So I have a little grandson who is 10 years old and that is a blessing from God. And I look at him as a do over. My God gave me a do over. I got a grandson that I get to take care of and do things with him because I wasn't really a great mom with my kids.
So I look at that as a do over. And in the beginning of my story, I started on Wall Street, left Wall Street, got on welfare, got sober, and I went back to Wall Street. And I just retired in February with 30 years of service. And I'm done. I'm done. OK. I was like, is this really my life? You know, and and and. I get to live a good life today without alcohol, you know, and I went to the World Conference in Vancouver and it was amazing.
And and I took a cruise right after that and went to Alaska. Like, how does that happen? I couldn't put two nickels together. And I was able to, like, go on a vacation. And when I was in Alaska, I went to get a massage and I had to fill out this paperwork. And they had one question on there. What's your occupation? And I wrote the word retired for the first time. And I just sat there and I was like.
Me and the massage therapist, she was like, you retired. How did you do that? And I said one day at a time, which is true. That's how we do this program. That's how we do life. One day at a time. And I said, well, how many years you been on your job? She's like, I got two years. I said, well, guess what? I had two years one time, too. But you keep on living. You don't die and you can retire, too. You know what I mean?
So it's like, wow. I never I just didn't know this is what my life was going to be like. And before I retired, you know, I I really didn't want to retire. But circumstances were happening and things were happening and I really had to seek some spiritual guidance on it. And I have a pastor and I was calling him like every week just saying, what should I do? Please help me. Let's pray. And we prayed and we talked about it.
And I know that God was listening, you know, and I made that decision. I really want to retire in March, but February sounded a whole lot better and faster. And I did it. And then the fear set in, like, will I be able to, like, survive on this money? You know, because a lot of people said, oh, well, you know, you should get another job. But but I just retired, you know. But but I'm grateful that God put people in my life that told me how to save money, how to spend money, how to do things.
And I listen to them. You know, I take suggestions today. Just like our 12 steps, they're suggested. You know, I suggest you take the steps. Well, I did. And because of that, I have this life that I never imagined. Some days I walk down the street and I still can't believe this is this is my life and I get to do so many things. So one of my groups that I belong to, Good Morning Sobriety, they have a speaker commitment on Thursdays.
They go to a detox. And and I said, well, I can go now on Thursdays to the detox. So I go up there and I carry the message. I got two new sponsors, you know, since I've retired. And like and it's beautiful. And I go to more meetings. And I go to more meetings, any meeting I want to go to. And I don't have to go to bed at 8 o'clock. I can stay up all night long if I want. But sometimes that messes with my sleeping. I still
[00:45:03]
got to get my rest, you know. And I get to do so many things. I still like to ride my bicycle. I am an avid cyclist and I belong to a bike club. And matter of fact, I'm going on a bike ride tomorrow. And I like being in the outdoors, the great outdoors. That's God. That's an acronym, the great outdoors. And I get to, like, see the beautiful trees and the blue sky and smell, smell the flowers and just, you know, just enjoy this. It's like, wow. And I get to travel and go places and I'm good, you know. I had a hard week this past week and some home stuff was happening and I was losing my mind and I was feeling really bad. And I've had, like, anxiety. I never had that before. I was like, oh, what's that feeling? You know, your stomach's all in knots. I was like, oh, I don't like this, you know. And I went to meetings and I talked about it and called my sponsor and she wasn't available. And I called other people and I talked about it. And it's finally passing. My favorite slogan, this too shall pass. And it's passing. But if you would have caught me on Monday, I was no good. I was just, I was just a mess. I was in my head. And they always say, you know, stay out of your head. You know, it's such a bad neighborhood.
You get beat up all the time when you go up there, you know, and I was getting beat up. And instead of turning it over and giving it to God and that third step, you know, turning my will and my life over to Him. And I have to continue to do that on a regular basis. I was in a meeting the other night and this guy, he said, you know, he said, God sustains me. And I was like, let me look that up. And God is sustaining me right now. He's like taking care of me in the good times and in the bad times, the times of difficulty. I just have to keep leaning on Him and giving it to Him, you know, because if He can take the desire to drink away from me, He can do everything else in my life. I just have to let Him get out the way and ask for help. And I've asked for help and help has come. I got some people coming tomorrow to help me, not tomorrow, on Saturday, coming to help with the situations that's going on in my house. And I'm good. I'm like, OK, I can breathe a little. But I'm telling you on Monday, I was no good. So I'm glad. What a difference a day makes. Today is Thursday and I've done Thursday stuff. I am good. I didn't drink. I didn't hurt nobody. God woke me up this morning.
There were no strangers in my bed and nobody was ringing my doorbell talking about, you got five dollars, you know. So for that, I'm truly grateful. I hope that I've helped somebody here. AA works and God is real. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, Janelle, that's why we needed you tonight. I told you we needed you to come back to Box of Chocolates. Thank you all for joining us tonight where you never know what you're going to get. You'll just have to keep coming back. We surely hope to see you here next Thursday.
Our special guest is Diane R. And I will never tell you what her last name is because I can't pronounce it. But she's from Minnesota and she's a sitting delegate and she's just a cool, cool lady. So I know that you will enjoy her. If you like this meeting, please do as Bill Wilson always said. Pass it on. You can help others right from your phone or computer and tell him about this special meeting. Everyone is invited to hang out with us on the back porch where we have a meeting after the meeting where we can hopefully talk to Janelle a little bit more because she's fun to talk to. All right, Janelle, do you have anything you want to close with and would you take us out with a prayer of your choice? OK, I just want to say thank you for this opportunity for me to carry the message. And, you know, God's timing is always on time and he's always working it out. Let's have a moment of silence for the still sick and suffering, followed by the serenity prayer. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change
[00:50:06]
the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Thank you. Everybody can unplug the microphones and yell at them. Thank you, Janelle.