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Source: Harold L – BOX OF CHOCOLATES – 2025-09-25.m4a File: harold-l-box-of-chocolates-2025-09-25.mp3 Duration: 00:47:41
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Hey, everybody. Can you hear me? I'm Harold. I'm an alcoholic. It's great to be here. Thank you, Ramona, for the beautiful introduction, and thank you for, you know, Stephen and Annette, for, you know, being the fire and the pillar to get box of chocolates spin up and run. I don't know how long you've been running. They've been running for a while. I've had the privilege to be here before, and it's always good to come back. Threads of Recovery will always have a special place in my heart because the actual meeting started in St. Louis on Mike McKillop, you know, a long time ago, and then when COVID happened, it jumped onto an online virtual experience, and it's been going ever since. So, hats off to all the committee that keep virtual programs and meetings going all around the world. It's, who would have thought, you know, just five years ago, you know, six years ago that we'd be doing any of this. It wasn't even anywhere on my mind. I wasn't one of those fourth edition preface or the forward to the fourth edition modem to modem guys at that point. I wasn't doing meetings online in 2019, I can promise you, and I, you know, like everybody I was new, and it's freaked me out at the beginning, but, you know, I thought, you know, it took me a while to accept it. I think I had the word Zoom on my head because I was on Zoom so many times for three or four years, but I know it has its place. It's special. We have a lot of people in St. Louis that are shut in, you know, because of whatever. They can't drive anymore. They can't go anywhere, and one of those people is Miss J, and you all know Miss J, and she's a member of my home group, and she's 93 years old. She's 49 years sober, and she lives in a long-term care facility, but, you know, she, one of the 12-step positions in our group is that you sign up to go get Miss J and bring her to the meeting. So, she's brought to the meeting and taken home every week, and somebody brings her a veggie burger because she's a vegan so that she gets an impossible burger. She gets the royal treatment. She's like the queen of England in our home group, but, you know, that's the only live meeting she goes to. Other than that, she's on Zoom 24-7, 365, and she'll tell you that it saved her life. That's what gives her any kind of purpose to live, is this virtual platform. So, I'm a fan of them. I always think if you can go be in person, you definitely need to add that to it. You know, it's kind of like I got tickets to the Rolling Stones. You want to watch them on YouTube, or you want to go sit front row and watch them. So, there's a difference. You can't create the kinetic energy at the same intensity and level, and you can't hold hands and hug and all that stuff and spread germs, you know, and all the good stuff that we do, you know, when we're alive. But, so, there's a difference, but they're both important. They're both valuable, and they're both powerful. So, it's great to be here. My sobriety date's April 7, 1987 in St. Louis, Missouri. Home group is A.A. on the Rocks, and we meet on Wednesday nights in St. Louis in the heart of the city. If you ever come to our group, we welcome you. It's a co-ed. It's very inclusive. It's very diverse, especially being in the city. It's a wild bunch of people. It's a lot of fun, a lot of energy. It's a strong three legacy group. So, we'd love to host you, and if we get a hold of you quick enough, I promise you, we will put you to work. We will get some mileage out of your sobriety. Some of you have been sucked in when you come here, and I put you to work, but if not, but if you mark on your calendar, if you're a foreshadowing person, the International is going to be in Big Mo in 2030, but a lot of people come in early. So, if you do come in early on Wednesday night, A.A. on the Rocks is already planning some kind of special event that night. So, there'll be an extra special, I don't know what it all looks like yet, but the block party doesn't start till Thursday, but we'll be rocking it on the rocks as long as I'm still alive and breathing. I'll be there in 2030. I plan on it anyway. So, mark it on your calendars when you're making your plans for the International. Come in an A.A. early and hang out with us on the rocks that night. My home group, I told you, I got a sponsor. I come from a great line of sponsorship. You know, I've had four sponsors in my sobriety. Roy was my first one, and Roy's still alive today. He's 80 years old, almost 50 years sober. Unfortunately, he has, you know, he has cancer right now, lung cancer. It's spread to his hip, and he's, you know, he's in the fight of his life. You know, we all know what the big C does, but I was just visiting him in the hospital a couple weeks ago, and, you know, his spirits are still strong, and he still loves A.A., and he's still plugged in, and I owe a great, I owe my life to that guy, and so I might mention him here in a few minutes. My second sponsor passed away. His lungs went out, kind of like Mike McCullough's did. His lungs went out. He was down to 11% lung capacity. He was fortunate enough, like Mike, to get a lung transplant, and he lived, you know, almost 15 more years after that until he passed away, but my sponsor, most of my sobriety, was Tom Eye from North Carolina. Some of you had the privilege to know Tom, or you've heard his tapes or his CDs. He was definitely a grassroots pioneer in alcohol
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exonimus in many ways, loved by so many, traveled the world to share the good news of alcohol exonimus, so a very special man to me. Helped me become a 3Legacy member. You know, my 3Legacy inspiration definitely came from Tom Eye, and then when Tom got ill with Alzheimer's and dementia, Steve L. from Nashville kind of filled that role for me, and Steve's my sponsor today, and, you know, a great friend of mine, so that's kind of just my lineage of sponsorship. I tell you that, especially if you're new, a great sponsorship and a 3Legacy sponsorship, 3Legacy home group will make a huge difference in how your life turns out, period. Those two things are highly important, so if you don't know what those are, get with your sponsor, hook up with somebody on this meeting, get in the chat, get some phone numbers, and ask this question. What is a 3Legacy group? What does that even mean? What does it mean to talk about that stuff, and it's important because I didn't know that either. I know from my own experience being an AA, and all I can tell you is what I've seen, what I've heard, what I've experienced, that there's three types of people that come to AA. There's those who make it happen, there's those who watch it happen, right, and there's those who don't know what's happening at all, and I've been all three of those guys. I absolutely had no clue what was going on when I got here. I really, you know, just was an observer of AA for the first three years I was here. It took me that long before I really surrendered, I mean really surrendered to the root of the problem, and just took a chance on the program of this design for living that was being presented that it might make a difference in my life, but it took me a while to get there. Some people, they surrender day one, they're all in, but that wasn't my story. If that's not yours, well, then welcome to my world. Happy birthday to Susan. I love Susan dearly, and I'm excited she's here. She's got 24 years. She's awesome and represents, you know, she does an adequate demonstration of recovery and sponsors a lot of people and has helped a lot of people, including me. So, I'm glad she's here and celebrating her birthday, and it's great to see so many friends on here, but I asked Ramona, what are we doing? How do you know what we're doing? What are we doing? I always, you know, when people ask me to talk online, especially, I ask them three things. How long am I supposed to talk? So, I honor that. What am I supposed to wear? So, I honor the attire, the request of that, and then what am I supposed to talk about, you know, and she said, well, I'll read you exactly what I just got it a few minutes ago before we got on here to confirm what I was doing, but this is what she told me. She said, you never know what you're going to get as long as it's literature-based, you can choose the topic and the theme. You know, I just got that a few minutes ago. So, if you have your book, this book, this is the third edition, the book of Alcoholics Anonymous, grab it. So, that's what I'm going to refer to, just about three pages and just kind of work through them for the time that I've been given today. I have no idea where it's going to go, but that's what I'm going to do.
I call it, we like to call this in Missouri, the book of big, you know, we always like to, years ago in the prison, we were laughing one night, just reminiscing of what it would have been like if they would have been back, like before there were books, like when they still had scrolls, and we'd sit and role play it, you know, it's like somebody come out and like a court gesture or whatever and say, thou shall not drink, so saith the book of big, you know, and so the book of big became our laughing point. So, we laugh about the book of big. If you ever hear me say that, that's what I'm referencing it. So, we're going to be in the book of big tonight, and on page 151, vision for you, there's three pages that I had to go to in Alcoholics Anonymous and say, here's my story in three pages, really two pages and a paragraph, this is it. I mean, I haven't found any pages that define my whole experience with King Alcohol, you know, after King Alcohol, coming into AA, what my experience was like and what it's like today. So, this is, I figured in a general way, I would just share from these three pages. If you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous, welcome, and you know, our job, as Bill tells us on, I think it's on page 105, but Bill sees it, is to deliver an adequate demonstration of Alcoholics Anonymous to the newcomer. So, if you're new tonight, I hope tonight is definitely an adequate demonstration of what recovery looks like. There's a lot of amazing people on here. So, if you're new and you're a female, I would definitely be taking a lot of names. If you're a guy, get my name, get Stephen's name, get a lot of people's names, Lewis's name. So, amazing guys on here that can make it, you can widen your network pretty quick. But here we go. I'm on top of page 151.
And this first paragraph really defines, if you're a hopeless alcoholic, I mean, of the hopeless variety, where you were just powerless, I think this paragraph does a really great job of just kind of, these first two paragraphs, describing my, the progression of alcoholism. And I would say the progression of alcoholism, if I kept it simple, if I was in a treatment center talking, which I do regularly, I would say, you know, progression looks like this, and these three sections of progression are different from person to person.
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But drinking was fun. That's the first piece. It was fun. I loved it. It set a guy free. It set a kid free, really, and that was me. That's what alcohol did for me. That was the magic. But then it became fun with problems. And eventually, it became nothing but problems. And that progression can differ from person. The fun can last longer from one person to the next. The fun with problems can last a different time. And then you get into the problems. And unfortunately, most people never get recovered from the problems. And the problems take them to the bitter end. But we're here tonight. So, we've got a chance. And regardless of how long we've been, so let's dive in.
For most normal folks, and I love that, Bill uses that entry to a lot of pages. The page 30 starts with that, almost the same language. For most people, but here it is for most normal folks, drinking means conviviality, companionship, and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom, and worry. And if you're new, I want you to hang on to that very sentence. I'm going to come back to it in a little while. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good, but not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking. The old pleasures were gone, but memories never could recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did, and a heartbreaking obsession that some new miracle control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt and one more failure.
And that, friends, is the story of my life. I mean, that is what it is. You know, my mom, I was raised by a single mom, greatest winner of my life. I mean, by far, she died in 2015. Um, just an amazing woman. I wish you could all met her. You would love mom along. And, uh, she drank her whole life. You know, as far as I remember, you know, she always had cheap beer in the refrigerator. She grew up during the depression, never had any money. And even when, even later in life, when she started to have a little bit of stuff, she still bought whatever was on sale. She still shopped at yard sales and thrift stores, and she bought the cheapest beer that ever was. So it's always nasty beer, like Milwaukee's best and light, you know, just stuff like that. Never nothing good. And she always had a fifth of old crow whiskey underneath the sink.
And some of the old timers call that the dirty bird. And, uh, you know, and she smoked Virginia Slims. That was my mom. And, uh, did I sneak some of her liquor as a youngster? You bet that I smoked some of her cigarettes as often as I could. But those early drinks and playing around with drinking, I don't really like to refer to that as my first drink. I like to go back to the time when alcohol, when the magic really happened for me and it changed my life. I think that's the important timeframe. And I was somewhere between 12 and 13 years of age. I, uh, I'd already been dabbling in a little bit of drugs, smoking cigarettes by then, dabbling in sex by then.
So the dark side already had its teeth in me, but I really hadn't really danced with King alcohol, uh, yet. And I was a drummer. I grew up a drummer. I was very successful at it. It provided me, uh, a gateway, if you would, into a lot of circles. I had no business being in, and my mom worked two or three jobs most of our life, uh, especially as a youngster. So she was never home. So by the age of 10, I just did what I wanted to do, went where I wanted to win. And the music took me into a lot of dark places and hanging out with older teens and people in their twenties and their thirties. And, and, uh, and just, and I was just playing rock and roll and, uh, doing the deal. So my buddy, Steve, he was a member of our band. He was about 17, 18 years old. His parents were in Florida. He lived across the creek and in a subdivision.
I lived in a beat up old trailer park all the way in the back where all the beat up nasty trailers ramp where they called everybody trailer trash. That's where we lived. But he lived across the creek and had a fairly nice house and, uh, in a subdivision. And I went to his house. He said, come over. We're having a party. Well, I've never been to a party in my life of that nature. And I went to his house and of course he's behind the bar playing the big, big shot. His parents are gone. He's got the bar. He's got the house. It's girls. There's dope. There's smoke. You know, there's rock and roll. It's loud, obnoxious, uh, intimidating for sure. Um, and then I came up and he said, Hey man, what are you drinking? And nobody ever asked me that in my life. I never knew what to say that I said, I guess whatever you're drinking. And I remember like it was yesterday and he handed me a big glass of slow gin and Coke. And I, and I swear to you, unless it was in a blackout, I don't think I ever drank it again. But I went over and sat down on the couch with that stuff. And it took me a while to get the courage to take a pull off it. But finally I did. And it tasted like cough syrup. It tastes like Robituss. I said, this isn't that big a deal and hammered a little more. And eventually the magic started to happen. You know, the buzz, the sensation we get through our body, that warm feeling. And I started to develop a smile on my face like I never had before. I smiled at my mother's love. My mother's love never A Smile That My Mother's Love, My Mother's Love Never Gave Me, At Least As A Young Man, A Young Kid, Nothing That Music Ever Gave Me, Playing Sports Never Gave Me, And I Drank It Some More, And The Smile Got A Little Bigger, And I Drank It Some More, And Eventually The Smile Wrapped All The Way Around My Head, And It Changed My Life, And That Was The Effect Produced By Alcohol, And I Loved It, And I Didn't Say It Out Loud, Because I Didn't Know How To Say It Out Loud, But I Pretty Much Made A Declaration That Day, I Pretty Much Just Planted A Flag That Day,
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And Said, I'm Going To Do This, It Wasn't Just The Drinking, It Was All Of It, I Loved All Of It, As Bill Would Refer To It, The Gay Chatter, I Loved The Gay Chatter Immediately, So I Pretty Much Made A Declaration, I'm Going To Do This For The Rest Of My Life, It Was An Apocalyptic Moment, I Mean It Was A Game Changer, And It May Not At A Very Subconscious Level, But I'm Just Telling You, I Can Go Back In Any Inventory, That Was The Day, If There Was A Turning Point In My Life, That Was A Big One, You Know, And I Definitely Made A Big Wide Turn To The Dark Side, And I Got As Sick As I've Ever Been Off Alcohol That Day, I Said My First Plea Bargain Prayer That Day, You Know How Our Fox Hole Prayer, You Know How Those Prayers Go, You Know, And It's The Porcelain God, You're Hanging On To That Cold Toilet, Or You're Laying In The Snow Outside, Or The Grass Outside, You're Just Sick As You've Ever Been, And You're Praying, Whatever God There Is, Just Get Me Out Of This, And I Will Never Do It Again, Right, And You Know, You Prayed That Prayer So Many Times, If You're Really Alcoholic, You Had To Add This To It, And This Time, I Really Mean It, Lord, Because I've Said That So Many Times, And Here I Am Again, But I Prayed, And I Lied To My Mama That Night, I'm Sure, About What Was Wrong With Me, Where I've Been, I Didn't Drink The Next Day, Or The Next Week, Probably, Or Even The Next Month, But That Was The Turning Point, That's When My Life Shifted, And That Quest, That Yearning, That Instant Yearning To Enjoy Life Once, You Know, That, To Capture The Old Days, Just Like It Says Here, There Was Always One More Attempt, And One More Favor, Those Attempts Started Right Then, And Unfortunately, You Know, Because We Didn't Have Any Money, And I Didn't Have Money To Go Party, You Know, My Mom Gave Me Five Bucks, That Was A Lot Of Money, You Know, Here's A Five, Here's A Couple Dollars, Ice Cream Truck, Come Around, Here's A Buck, Go Get An Ice Cream, But You Weren't Getting Twenties, And Fifties, And Hundreds, I Can Promise You, You Can Only Mow So Many Lawns, So It Led To Crimes, And Stealing Pop Bottles, Originally, When I Started, I Used To Go Steal Pop Bottles, And Cash Them In, Glass Bottles, But It Progressed, And Unfortunately, It Progressed To Where We Burglarized The Manager Of The Trailer Park, Got A Lot Of Money, But Also Got Caught, Got Arrested, And Broke My Mom's Heart, You Know, Really Bad, You Know, When The Police Come Banging At The Door, And I'm Not Even A Teenager Yet, You Know, And I'm Being Charged With A Felony, And Being Charged With A Serious Crime, And This Is The People She Pays Rent To, And This Beat Up Old Trashy Trailer We Live In Is All We Can Afford, And Here I Am Compromising That, But This Is Where Alcoholism Has Taken Me Immediately, So There Was Fun, But It Was Fun With Problems Immediately For Me, And It Would Never Recover From That, But This Is Exactly How It Went, And I Love, Nothing On This God's Green Earth Made Me Feel The Way Alcohol Made Me Feel, And Friends, I Can Promise You, If I Can Still Drink And Have Fun, And There Was No Problems, I Guarantee You I Would Be Drinking Today, I Loved It That Much, I Mean, I Loved It, I Had A Lot Of Great Times Drinking, Loved It, Loved To Go To Cake Parties, Hog Rows, Play Music, Loved All That Stuff, Red Solo Cup, Name, No Name, Hold A Cigarette, But It's Out Drinking The Next Morning, Who Cares, Whatever, You Know, I'm All About It, Let's Do It, And If You Would Have Tried To Convince Me At Any Time During That Part Of My Life That I Would Be One Day, I Wouldn't Have A Desire To Drink No More, And Want To Live A Spiritual Life, And Not Drink, I'd Say, Man, Do You Know Who You're Talking To, You're Out Of Your Mind, Man, Get Out Of Here, But That's What Happened, But This Is Where My Drinking Was, And It Just, I Lost All Control, And It Happened Immediately, And This Is The Progression Of It, This Is Where It Took Me To, Just Like I Think It Takes All Of Us To, If You, And It Only Gets Worse If You Continue To Drink, Even After Long Periods Of Abstinence, If You Go Back, And You're Truly Alcoholic, This Is What Happens, Next Paragraph, The Less People Tolerated Us, The More We Withdrew From Society, From Life Itself, As We Became Subjects Of King Alcohol, Shivering Venisons Of His Mad Realm, The Chilling Vapor That Only Note That His Loneliness Settled Down, It Thickened, Ever Becoming Blacker, Some Of Us Sought Out Sorted Places, Hoping To Find An Understanding, Companionship, And Approval, Momentarily We Did, Then Would Come Oblivion, The Awful Awakening, To The Hideous Four Horsemen, Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, And Despair, Unhappy Drinkers Who Read This Page Will Understand, Boom, Boy Do I Understand That, I Totally Relate To That, And Withdrawal From Society,
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Or Your World Got Smaller, Either Way You Want To Say It, My World Got Smaller Because I Just Had To Keep Hanging Around People That Drank Like Me, Live Like Me, So My World Was Pretty Small, But It Was The Only World That I Knew, And It Was A World Of Broken People And Hurt People, Guess What, Broken People Do Broken Things, Hurt People, Hurt People, And That Was The Constant Vibe And Context In Which I Was Growing Up In And Living In, Alcohol Took Me On The Run, And Sometimes We Say We Drank These Things Away, We Lost These Things, But Really Ultimately Because Of Our Powerlessness To Alcohol And Our Resistance To See The Truth, Really More A Delusion Than Anything, Um, We Gave These Things Away, And It's Hard To See The Insanity Of It Unless You Put It In This Right Context, And I Know Early On In Sobriety, Sitting With An Old-Timer One Time, He Said, Harold, This Is What It Looks Like, One Day You Walk Into The Bar And You Say, Sir, Bartender, Or Man Bartender, Whoever, I'd Like To Have A Cold Beer, What's It Gonna Cost Me?
It's Gonna Cost You Two Bucks, Man, That Doesn't Sound Like Too Big A Price, I'll Pay That, And You Pay It, And The Next Time You Walk In, It's Like, What's It Gonna Cost You? It's Gonna Cost You Your Job And Your Education, Yeah, That Don't Really Sound Like Too Big A Price To Pay, I'll Pay It, And You Pay It, And The Next Time You Walk In, What's It Gonna Cost Me? What's It Gonna Cost To Your Family? Your Relationship With Your Children, If You Have Any, Or Your Spouse, Or Your Significant Other, Whoever, It's Gonna Cost You Your Relationship, Yeah, That Don't Sound Like Too Big A Price To Pay, I'll Gladly Pay It, And The Next Time You Go In, What's It Gonna Cost You, What's It Gonna Cost? And It's Gonna Cost You Your Health, Well, That Don't Sound Like Too Big A Price, I'll Pay It, And The Next Time You Go In, What's It Gonna Cost? It's Gonna Cost You Your Freedom, You're Gonna Give Up Your Freedom, Well, That Don't Sound Like Too Big A Price To Pay, I'll Pay It, And Lastly, You Go In One More Time, And What's It Gonna Cost Me? It's Gonna Cost Your Life, Well, That Don't Sound Like Too Big A Price To Pay, I'll Pay It, And When You Say It Like That, It Sounds Like Total Insanity, Why In The World Would Anybody Do That? But If You Really Take That Illustration And Match It With My Life, It Fits Like A Glove, That's Exactly What Happened Over A Period Of Time, It Was Just A Progression, Again, That Progression Doesn't Have A Specific Timeline, It Could Be Short, It Could Be Long, But This Is, If You're Truly Alcoholic, In The Progression Of It, Exactly What We Read, That Illustration I Give Is What Happens, And We Could Just Take Each Of Those Four Horsemen And Just Do A Whole Meeting On Just Each One Of Them And Talk About What Does It Mean To Experience Tear And Bewilderment, Frustration And Despair, And Some Would Turn Those In And Say They're Gifts, You Hear That A Lot, The Gift Of Desperation, The Gift Of Despair, You Know That It's These Things Ultimately, As Dark As They Were, End Up Becoming A Gift Because It Brought Me To A Place Of Surrender And A Willingness To Do It Somebody Else's Way, You Know, And But Unfortunately, And I Think People, I Think Sometimes We Underestimate The Cunning, Baffling, Powerful Numbers Of What It Really Means To Be Alcoholic Because 90% Of The People That Have Alcoholism And Addiction, 90% Will Never Be In A 12-Step Group, Will Never Be In A Treatment Center, They'll Never Experience Anything We're Experiencing Tonight, 90%. I Know It's Hard To Believe When You're Really Immersed In It And You're All The Way And You Know So Many People And I'm In Treatment Centers Twice A Week, Prison Once A Week, So I'm Around Newcomers And Alcoholics Every Week, But It's Still, It's The Reality, It's The Cold Hard Facts That 90% Will Never Get Here And Then The 10% That Do Get Here, Us, You Know, Use Your Own Experience, Especially If You've Been Around, How Many Really Stay And Why And It's Just A Cunning, Baffling, Powerful Nature Of It, But It's Also, You Know, The Dilution That, You Know, If I Have Any Gas Left In The Tank, I'm Going To Try Because Alcohol So Magical, It Is So Magical That I'm Going To Try To Figure Out A Way To Not Give It Up Because It Is Magic And If You Don't Have A Sufficient Substitute, Which I Didn't, Then I'm Going To Fall Right Back To It. So, There's Nothing Between You And King Alcohol, Guess What You're Going To Do Every Single Time, You're Going To Cave Into It Because You're Powerless Over It And I Never Had Any Victories With King Alcohol, Any Dashes Of Hope Or Swearing Off Were Short-Lived At Best, You Know, And I Would Cave Right Back In And Be, You Know, Be Lost Again And So, That's Just The Hardcore Nature Of It. I, You Know, I Sit In The Treatments Every Week And I Sit With 50, 60, 70 Newcomers And I'll Ask Them This Question, I'll Give Them This Illustration To Make This Point That We're Talking About.
I'd Say, You Know, Let's Pretend That None Of Us Ever Jumped Out Of An Airplane. Let's Just Pretend And Here A Little Bit, This Big Old Bus Is Going To Come Up And We're All
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Going To Get On The Bus And We're Going To Go Over To Sparta, Illinois, Where People Jump Out Of The Airplane. When We Get Off The Bus, There'll Be Somebody Standing There And Says, Hey, Welcome To Sparta And Here's Your Two Choices, Door A, If You Go In There, There's An Old Warehouse, There's A Bunch Of Old Parachutes In There, Different Colors, Different Sizes, Go Pick One, Pick Whatever You Want And Pack It Up And Get It Ready And Hang Out, There's A Vending Machine In There And When We Call You, Just Come On Here About Three Hours And We'll Get On The Plane And You're Going To, You're Going To Get Ready To Jump.
We're Going To Jump Up About 5, 10,000 Feet In The Air Or You Can Go In Door B And There'll Be Somebody Meet You There Who's A Professional And They'll Actually Help You Go In And Get A Parachute And Make Sure It's The Right Kind And They'll Watch Some Videos, They'll Give You A Little Education On It, But Guess What? They're Even Going To Clip On To You, So When You Do Jump, They're Going To Go With You When You Jump Out Of The Plane. Now I Said, Now Be Honest With Yourself, How Many Of You Are Going To Choose Door A When They Offer That? And Of Course, Nobody Answers Or Raises Their Hand And I Said, Who's Going To Choose Door B? Well, They All Raise Their Hand. And Then He Asked The Question, Why Are You Going To Choose Door B?
And They Say, Because I Don't Want To Die, You Know, Because My Life Depends On It. I Said, Yeah, Amen. Now, When You Leave His Treatment Center And You Get Out There On That Highway, You're Standing On The Threshold Of That Plane And You're Going To Give A Choice When You Walk Out There. You Can Go Door A, Which Means You Can Just Go Figure Out Recovery On Your Own, Have Your Own Design Of Living And Recovery And You Get To Create It All And You Pick What You Want Or You Can Go Over Here And Say Yes To The Sponsor, Yes To The Group, Yes, I'm Willing To Take Some Actions I Don't Believe In And Which One Are You Going To Pick? I Said, I'm Not Going To Ask You To Raise Your Hand, But I'm Going To Tell You Not All You're Going To Choose Door B, Correct? Most Of You Won't. And Why? Well, I Answered The Question, You Already Answered It For Yourself Because You Don't Think Your Life Depends On It. Until Your Life Depends On It, To Walk Away From King Alcohol, Which Is The Thing That Took Away The Care Borne In My Life, The Only Thing And You Don't Really Buy Into The Substitute. It's Just Hard To Surrender To That And I Get It And That Was My Battle. And So, My Life Didn't Depend On It Until It Did.
And Then 1980, You Know, 1979, I Was Introduced To A Department Of Corrections And I Was In A Cell And So, A Couple Five Members From A Brought The Meeting Into That Facility. I Was Far From Conceding I Was Alcoholic. I Never Heard Of AA Before. And It's Really Important, Again, Going Back To The Ag Quid Demonstration Of AA Is That We Have To Realize That New People, Whether They're On Virtual Platforms Like This Or In Person, They Listen With Their Eyes And They Think With Their Feelings. And It's Really Important To Know That, I Think, That People Listen With Their Eyes. You Know, They Don't, They They're Hearing It, But They're Listening With Their Eyes. I Couldn't Tell You Anything I Heard With These In 1979, But I Can Tell You Everything I Heard With These With My Eyes. And So, I Said No To The Invitation And I Didn't Even Come Close To Conceding. I Was Given A Plea Bargain. One That I Easy To Say Yes To Is Either You Go Back To Where You Were At For Two And A Half More Years Or You Can Go Into Treatment For 30 Days. Well, I Quit School When I Was 13, But I Had Enough Math To Know That 30 Days Was A Heck Of A Lot Shorter Than Two And A Half Years. So, That Was An Easy Plea Bargain. Pretty Quick. Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. Before They Even Got Finished Asking Me And I'm Already Saying Yes To It. Did My 30 Days, Got Introduced To Alcoholics Anonymous On The Outside.
Another Adequate Demonstration. But, You Know, The Minute They Walked Out That Gate, I Chose, I Chose Door A. I Wasn't Going Anywhere Close To Door B. Why? Because My Life Didn't Pin On It. I Hopped Out Of That. I Hopped In The Back Of A Pickup Truck. This Is The Ozark Mountains. This Is The Country. And Back Then, Probably Where You Lived To Back In Those Days, You Could All Ride In The Back Of The Truck. The Cab's Already Full. And There's A Whole Tribe In The Back.
And I Hopped In The Back Of The Truck. This Is Literally Minutes After Walking Out Of Treatment. And They Handed Me A Big Plastic Jug Full Of Pure Green Alcohol, Everclear, With Some Punch Of Some Kind, Called A Jungle Juice. And Go, Here You Go, Man. Hand Me That And Some Other Things. And, You Know, This Is Minutes After Leaving The Treatment Center. Going To The Sheridan River To One Of The Greatest Summer Parties I've Ever Been To In My Entire Life.
Walking Down To The River With A Coin That I Just Got From The Carrying Unit For 30 Days, 1980. Took That Shiny Little Coin That I Got Just Hours Before, Skipped It Across The River, Pounded My Chest, Made Some Hillbilly Rebel Yell, Something Debbie Will Learn To Do Since She's Moving To The Ozark Mountains. And I Swore Off Alcohol Like I Had Victory Over, Over Treatment. I Had Victory Over The D.O.C. And I Ain't Never Doing That Again Until Seven Years Later When I Burnt My Life To The Ground.
Until seven years later when I burnt my life to the ground, and now I'm back in a cage one more time, in a lot of trouble.
[00:30:00]
And this is where that loneliness came in, you know, this is exactly who was in the cell with me, terror, bewilderment, frustration, despair, and those were my cellmates. And I was hopeless, and I was desperate, and I was in trouble, and I got on my knees and said the most awesome prayers, the most honest prayers to say, ever in my life, it's one I've heard a million times from a podium, some rooms, and it was simply, God help me.
I don't even know if, honestly, I can't even say if I said, please, but I know I said, God help me. And I meant it with every inch of my fiber. And from that moment till now, I never drank again. But it wasn't like I was fully surrendered. I had a desire not to drink because I was in trouble, but I finally got bailed out. I went all the way back to northern Missouri where I was at, guess where, in 1980.
Went back there, two and a half hours from St. Louis. Why did I go there? There was lots of places to go in St. Louis. Well, just because I listened with my eyes, that's where I had experience with, I'm familiar to me. And I went back there and checked into treatment. This next paragraph is my first three years in AA. This is it. Let me read it for you. At bottom of page 151. Now and then a serious drinker, being dry at the moment, says, I don't miss it at all.
I feel better. I work better. Having a better time. As ex-problem drinkers, we smile at such a sally. We know our friend is like a boy whistled in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself. Errantly, he would give anything to take a half dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again for he isn't happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol, and someday he will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it.
Then he will know loneliness just as few do. He will be at the jumping off place. He will wish for the end. And friends, that's where I was at the first days after being out of treatment was 12 set by a guy named Gary. He saved my life. Gary was only two and a half months sober. He was the Ebi in my life. We've all had multiple Ebis at different seasons of our sobriety, but this is really the first one.
And he wasn't there to be my sponsor or to be to take me through the steps. He was just two and a half months sober, but he was on fire in what Bill would call the magnificent reality of Alcoholics Anonymous. The magic of AA was already happening in his life, and he was his alumnus of his treatment center. And he came back trying to be a good sport and be cheerful and help wherever he could. And he took me to my first meeting, and I got I went to my first meeting, and I walked into the meeting and sat down next to a guy, and I asked him this question, and maybe you'd have this question if you're new tonight, but here's the question.
I asked him, how long do we have to come here? And I meant it. I had no idea what AA was. How long do we how long does this last? Is it like six months? Is it a year? Is it a nine month? What is it? And he looked at me kind of perplexed by the question, but his answer is really prophetic. He said, well, you got to keep coming until you want to. And I thought, well, that's not good news. I'm thinking to myself, I didn't say it out loud.
I don't want to be here tonight, much less tomorrow night. And I darn sure don't want to be here when I look like you. That's what I'm really thinking. And now I look like that guy, unfortunately, all these years later, but I didn't know what AA was. I didn't know what recovery meant. You know, if you look up the definition of recovery, it means to be restored to health. That's what it means. It means to be restored to health.
Well, I was far from that, especially if you define it in the context of a soul. And I would define the soul as your mind, your will and your emotions. And you can take any one of those three. And I was as broken as you can get. My mind was out of it. I was out of my mind. I had been most of my life will self will run riot, rebellious dog all the way. Emotion. I was an emotional dwarf at best. You know, I was I was eons immature.
There was a grid for spiritual maturity or emotional sobriety or however you want to frame it. And it went zero to 100. I wasn't even on the grid. I was like a minus something. You know, I wasn't even close to zero yet when I got here. So I was broken every facet. So when I started to come back to St. Louis, I didn't go to AA. I had a trial. That's all I cared about. I had this friend who, Gary, he kept calling, managed to go to AA.
No. Why? I don't know why, Gary. I don't. I have an answer for you. And I really didn't. I couldn't explain why I wasn't going to AA. I had a strong desire not to drink, but I didn't have a strong desire to call myself an alcoholic. You know, sitting in a meeting going, my name is Harold and I'm an alcoholic sounded like a confession to me. You know, it's like sitting at your honor. I'm guilty. How do you plead?
I plead guilty. I plead alcoholic. That's what it sounded like. It was pathetic. I'm not going to do that for a day, much less the rest of my life.
[00:35:02]
You're out of your mind. That's what I'm thinking. And then you want me to get a sponsor, dude, I've had a probation officer since I was 11 years old. And seriously, at this time, my whole teenage life into my 20s, now I'm in recovery. I still got a probation officer. I can answer you. And you want me to voluntarily go, hey, you want to come and have some say so in my life? I don't think so. That's not happening.
I'm not interested in that by far. And so and then you look at the 12 steps and it's like, dude, that's not going to change my life because I had too much individualism, consumerism, materialism in my life. You know, my mindset and I think it's the mindset of most people. You call me crazy, but I think I could be a little bit more spiritual if I had a few hundred dollars in my pocket and a better looking girl and a legal driver's license.
And I didn't live in the basement of a house and I didn't have a piece of crap car held together by bumper stickers and I can't legally drive, but I do anyway. Yeah. You give me some stuff. I could be a little bit more high and mighty and walking a little bit taller and smile a bit bigger. You know, this is my delusional mind. I had no idea what they were talking about. And so I didn't do anything they asked me to do.
I was on step none of, you know, the fellowship, really. I mean, I conceded I was powerless, but, you know, but I didn't concede my life was unmanageable. That's obvious. And I didn't buy into really much anything else. And I avoided it like the plague. And so if you don't get unblocked, because really we got a separation problem, that's the easiest way I can say it. If you're a skeptic or don't believe in God, just call it separation.
Whatever makes the world go around, the scientific piece of that, whatever makes the little light and lightning bugs rear end light up, you know, in the summertime, whatever that is, you're not connected to it. Right. If you if you're a spiritual person or a religious person, then call it spiritual separation. But whatever, I'm separated from this power and had been my whole life long before I regret it.
That is the root of my problem. You know, and through that, I'm living on self-repulsion and I'm full of irritable restless discontent because I'm trying to fill this void in my life, this connection with everything worldly that I can possibly do, even well into sobriety, and it's not fulfilling anything. I feel still disconnected. And and so I struggle. But there there's a bridge between me and this higher power, this science, this reasoning, this God of our understanding.
If there's a if there's a bridge between me and that and there's something blocking the bridge, well, you're not getting across the bridge. It's the simplest way I can say it in the reality is I can promise you there's a lot of things blocking the bridge and you have to remove those things. You know, if you want to look at it in the context of the channel and there's a channel between me and this power conduit, if you would.
It's blocked. It's been completely blocked. So nothing's getting through and nothing's going to get through unless I take some action and invite somebody in my life who has some excavation skills can help me to excavate. As my my my grand sponsor Bob would say, it's an old Buddhist term, but it's this is really about subtraction, not addition. Right. We're trying to remove things that are blockings.
But when we finally do that, guess what? The sunlight of the spirit shines through that conduit into our soul and we start to heal our mind or will and our emotions. We start to recover from the soul sickness and we change. But if we're not doing that, then we're like this boy whistling in the dark because the care, boredom, worry is still magnified my life. And I really would give anything to take a few drinks and get away with it because it doesn't feel good.
The pain of sobriety can be very, very excruciating to the point that you're willing to go drink some more despite all the problems it brings to you. You're willing to do it one more time just to take to take away the care, boredom and worry in my life. So that's it. You're at the jumping off point. You can't pitch your life with alcohol, but you can't pitch your life without it. That's it. And what's it say?
You will know loneliness just as very few do a level of loneliness. And I experienced that in recovery. Finally asked the guy to sponsor me. I was almost three years sober. That was a boy I referred to earlier. He lived down the street from my house. That's why I asked him to sponsor me because I walked to his house. He had about 11 years of sobriety. And I said, can you help me? And he says, well, you've been around about three years.
Tell me about your life. I said, I'll tell you about my life. I'm 25 going on 26. I don't have an education. I don't have a GED. I got a criminal record. I don't have a driver's license. Probably never will. Got a dead end job. Live in a dead end space. Got a piece of crap car held together by bumper stickers. I can't legally drive, but I do anyway. That's my life, Roy. Just vomit that all over his table.
My life sucks. Capital letters, tally size it, highlight it, make a neon sign. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks. That's my life. And I just vomit that victimese. that you've been dealt a pretty tough hand. I'll concede that. But I hope you're going to hear what I'm going to tell you. And what he told me changed my life. And what he told me that day is as true that day as it is today on 9, 25, 2025. He said, Harold, every single thing you have in your life, right this second, you've attracted
[00:40:04]
to you. You attract it to you like a magnet by the person that you become. And the day you're man enough to own that truth is the day you're on your way to some real change. But until you can own that truth, this vicious little cycle you're on, you're eventually going to drink again because you're not happy about your sobriety. And I know you may not be a conscious thought right now because you still have a desire not to drink, but you're like a candle in the wind or just a little flicking in the wind.
Eventually you're going to blow out and the pain will become so great, you'll you'll find your way back to it. Or are you going to do it? My dad did. My dad was an alcoholic that never found recovery at age 54. He took his life. That's how my dad quit drinking. So you're going to do one or two things, man, you're going to grow or you're going to go in a million dollar question is what do you want to do?
And that's the question every single person has to ask you, not just once. I think as you stay and you mature and life, excuse me, life on life's terms comes at you, there's going to be many moments in your sobriety when you're going to stand at the turning point and it's going to the same questions are going to be posed. What are you going to do? Are you going to grow or are you going to go? And so far, I've been able to say I want to I want to grow and I've stayed here.
But I know as I age out, I get an illness sets in and aging really starts to take over my life. It's already happened to the people I love. A lot of them that I'll stay at that turning point and be tested one more time and I'll have a choice to make depending on how far I'm in this deal will be how I respond to it. But here's the next question. And I'll conclude with this. So here's the question every member's got, whether you know you have it or not.
And it is probably these are about three questions here. And these are about three of the best questions you could ever ask, I think, in recovery. Here they are. We have shown how we got out from under you say, yes, I am willing to be consigned to a life where I should. Yes, I'm willing. But am I to be consigned to a life where I shall be stupid, boring and glum like some self-righteous people I see.
So this listening with their eyes. So just think about what they're talking about. I say, I know I must get along without liquor, but how can I? There's a second question. But how can I? And this is my favorite question. Have you a sufficient substitute? And the book says, yes, there is a sufficient substitute. It is vastly more than that. It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous. And there's that word, that sentence I said to hang on to in the beginning.
Here it is again. There you will find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last and the most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Thus we find the fellowship and so will you. And then it goes on to say, and I'll paraphrase to wrap it up, that you're going to have the privilege to walk shoulder to shoulder with other people and help them rediscover life.
And when you do that long enough, you're going to finally know what it means to love your neighbor as yourself. And that shift from a taker to a giver is what has to happen if you're going to stay here and really become happy, joyous and free and have quality and lasting sobriety. The good news, and it's not just good news, it's the best news ever. It's available for everybody. But you got to come all the way in.
You got to sit all the way down and you got to stay and stay in is the hardest part. But if you stay, you're going to be given this new fundamental principle way to live, live a life of humility, live a life of self-sacrifice, live a life of other-centeredness and most importantly, go out and learn to love everybody, everybody, including the people you just don't care for. And when you live that way long enough, it's a game changer and you wouldn't want to live any other way.
And you gave me that gift. So I owe everything, especially my life. So thank you for my life. Thank you for the opportunity to come back to Box of Chocolates and be one of my many. That's all I got. Thank you. Thank you everyone for joining us tonight where you never know what you're going to get. You will just have to keep coming back every week because we surely hope to see you here next week. Our special guest is Alice.
And right now, I can't remember her last initial, but it's Alice. And she right now, she lives in California. She's lived everywhere. She just likes to move around and spread the message and she's a good message spreader. So if you like this meeting, please pass it on. Do as Bill Wilson always said, pass it on. You can keep, you can help others right from your phone or your computer and tell them about this special meeting.
Everyone is invited to hang out with us afterwards in the meeting after the meeting on the back porch. And Harold, do you have any closing comments and would you take us out with a prayer of your choice? Yeah, I mean, the closing comments is as if you're new to town. to Alcoholics Anonymous, I hope that you accept the invitation that's been freely given to you and, and realize that AA, the
[00:45:01]
rooms are, rooms of recovery period are, well, people don't come here, broken people do. So if you've had some poor experiences in recovery, or not so exciting experiences, just keep walking around and asking, find the making it happen people, find the people with spiritual fruit hanging from their tree and reach out to them and let them walk shoulder to shoulder with you and help you rediscover life and help you introduce you to some very healthy, vibrant circles of people and that will make a big difference in your life. I promise you, you'll find a whole new flavor of recovery you didn't know existed. So, don't let a couple experiences ruin it for you. You know, come on back here and always remember, well, people don't come here. So, don't have any unreasonable expectations that you're just gonna find all these amazing people all the time, but most of them are pretty amazing once you get to know them. So, I wanna close with, I was at a retreat. I had the privilege to lead a retreat over the weekend. They, they closed out with a, a prayer from Tom Merton and so I wanna close out with that prayer. It's, it's called the Pilgrim's Prayer. Some of you may know it. I, I hadn't heard it in a long time. I, when he read it, I thought, man, I remember that prayer. I just haven't heard it in a long time. So, I wanna close out with that prayer. I got it right here. Here we go. Let's pray. My lord god, I have no idea where I'm going. I do not see the road ahead of me. Cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself. And the fact that I think I'm following your will does not mean that I'm actually doing so. But I believe that you desire to please you. Does in fact please you. And I hope I have the desire and all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from your, from that desire. And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road.
Though I may know nothing about it. Therefore, will I trust you always though. I say, I may seem lost in the shadow of death. I will not fear. For you are ever with me. And you will never leave me to face my perils alone. Amen. Bless my prayer. Okay. Everybody can unmute. Thank you, Harold. Thank you, Harold. Thank you, Harold. Thank you very much. Take care. All kinds of goodies. Thank you so much, Harold. It was awesome to hear you. Happy birthday. Thank you so much.
Happy birthday. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Share on your birthday, wasn't it, Susan? Oh, it was so special that he was sharing tonight. Yeah. I was in the car. Put some of your cake in the chat.