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Source: Chris S – BOX OF CHOCOLATES – 2025-10-09.m4a File: chris-s-box-of-chocolates-2025-10-09.mp3 Duration: 00:50:38
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Everybody, my name is Chris. I'm an alcoholic. Ramona, thank you for that introduction. It was really fun meeting you, too. That was a, that was a cool workshop, doing it with my buddy Rich. This is a lot of fun. So, so anyway, you know, I'm an alcoholic. I'm going to, I'm going to dispense with, you know, my qualifications as an alcoholic pretty quickly. The last years of my drinking, what would happen is I would start to drink and, and the first drink would always do one thing, would ask for the second, second would insist on the third, the third would demand the fourth, and I'd want the 25th drink more than I wanted the 24th. The more alcohol in my body, the more I wanted alcohol. This was sometimes not even a conscious thing. It was like, if alcohol was around, why wouldn't you drink it? You know, but there's a lot of other people that I was hanging out with that were not doing that. They were not getting teed, they're not getting knee walk and tongue chewing drunk at like four in the afternoon on a Saturday, you know, and, and I was. So, so that's, that's, that's the, the allergy. That's the phenomenon of craving. It was awake in me like you wouldn't believe. And the obsession of the mind, I can, I can describe it basically like this. I would come to in the morning wearing the clothes that I passed out in the night before just as shattered as you can be. You, you, you remember, it's, it's like beyond hangover. You remember that? Like you're just, you're just shattered. And, uh, and I'd be, I, you know, I'd be like tense and sick and headaches and, and, you know, the vodka is like coming out of my pores and I'd get in my car and I'd go off to my terrible job and I'd just be swearing to God, you know, this, this is crazy. This is crazy. I do this, you know, tonight I'm, I'm not going to drink tonight. You know, I gotta stop. I never want to feel like this again. I swear to God tonight's the night. I know I probably said this 300 before, but I know this time is something's different. I feel it in my heart, you know? And, uh, and if you would have put a lie detector on me and asked me, are you ever going to drink again? I would have said no. And then, you know, it would have gone right to true. I met with every fiber of my being, but there's something called the obsession of the mind. And what it looked like with me was as the day went on and I rehydrated and I got half a sandwich down and, and quitting time is four 30. It's like four o'clock quitting time. What had happened over that course of time is I'd started to think to myself, you know, that, that decision you made this morning, you know, never to ever drink again.
That that's a, that's a strong position to take. Uh, you know, we, you know, we never, ever drink again, ever, ever, ever, you know? And I, I, we, you know, we might have to modify that decision, you know, it's, it's like an overreaction, I think. And, and we might have to modify that decision. And I would have modified it all the way home from work to go to the liquor store and buy another bottle of vodka and make myself drunk and sick one more time.
Now that went against, that went against everything that we do putting out. It was poison. I knew it was risky. I got in a lot of trouble. I knew I lost my family and my driver's license, you know, uh, countless times and everything, all my friends and all my good jobs were always, and it was always problems, right? So I knew not to do it. I knew the smartest thing would be not to do it. And I was doing it. And, and what the obsession of mine, how it looked like for me was it's a thought that crowds out all others. You know, I could be thinking, I'm going to AA tonight. I'm going to be calling my sponsor, you know, I'm going to make coffee. I'm going to clean up the ashtrays, you know, I'm going to go out to the diner with everybody. You know, I think I'll go to the liquor store and get a half a gallon of vodka.
And, and it crowds out all rational thought. That's the obsession of the mind. And when you're, when you're an alcoholic of that type, uh, they describe us in the book Alcoholics Anonymous as hopeless. So I tried treatment, you know, I stayed sober maybe a month and a half out of treatment. Uh, it was a debacle. I ended up back in Alcoholics Anonymous. What had happened was Christmas 1989 did not go really well. You know, like, like everybody came over to my mother's house and, you know, I was, I was drinking Johnny Walker black, which was my Christmas drink, you know, isn't, you know, everybody's got a Christmas drink. Yeah. And, uh, and I'm drinking it and somebody said something and I went crazy. I went crazy. I'm going to kill all you, you sons of bitches. I'm going to kill all of you. And, uh, and my family really wasn't, you know, expecting that, you know, they were expecting something a little bit more festive, you know, than me running
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around, running around the house, telling them to kill them all, you know? And so they picked up their Christmas and they went elsewhere. And, uh, and I came to, and I staggered into the kitchen, found the giant pile of vodka bottles. I didn't even remember buying. I'd been on a blackout for days. And, and then I started to go into the DTs and, uh, you know, anybody in here who's experienced the DTs, uh, if you haven't, I'll describe them like this, take terror, take convulsions and take hallucinations and jam them all in a blender and push the 10 button, you know, and that's, what's going to come out, you know, with the DTs. And I was freaking out, you know, there's like animals trying to get in the house and maggots all over me. I was flipping out and, and, you know, and then I start to make some phone calls and I start to figure out, you know, how I destroyed Christmas and threatened everybody's life. And, um, and that, you know, that was, that was a bottom for me. Okay. A bottom is simply a place we wish to dig no deeper and we will take suggestions we don't even believe in or think will work for us. That's a bottom.
That's the kind, that's the kind of hope. That's the kind of desperation that comes from, from the hopelessness of a bottom. And I went back to Alcoholics Anonymous and I grabbed the sponsor, uh, Fish Food Phil and said, Phil, Phil, I've been in hell. There's demons, blood, guns, everything. I gotta get out of hell. I gotta go. Will you help me? And he did what all good sponsors do. He like, I could use a new pigeon, you know, back in 1989, we were all pigeons.
And so, uh, so I became his pigeon and, uh, and he told me one thing. He said, Chris, I'm just going to tell you one thing because you're, you're, you're, you're a mess. If I tell you two things, you'll get a backwards and upside down. So I'm just going to tell you one thing. I want to see you at a meeting until I tell you to stop every night. Okay. Okay. Okay. So I, you know, I had, I had the willingness born of desperation and I just did it. I, you know, that's what Phil told me to do. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm not going to let it hit me. And I swear to God, I went to a meeting every night for eight years. Cause he forgot to tell me to stop. So, so, you know, uh, and what happened was that cemented me into the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. I had been, listen, alcoholism is an illness of, of separation and loneliness and dislocation and disunity. You know, you look at your life over any considerable period of time and people, places and things start to disappear. Uh, and things over the course of time get worse and worse and worse. And, and I retreated into the bottle and I retreated into a room in my mother's house where I wouldn't get arrested. You know what I mean? And, and, and I couldn't really go out drinking anymore because the, the, the velocity of my drinking was like this at the end, I would start drinking and it was always hard liquor.
I'd start drinking, drunk in an hour, I'd be in a blackout in two hours and I'd be unconscious in three every time. I mean, that was what the phenomenon, that's how the phenomenon of craving was working in me toward the end. And, and I see that as end stage alcoholism, but folks, you know, if you're anywhere near that, you're in so much trouble. And, uh, and so I show up in Alcoholics Anonymous and, and I have willingness, like, I also have anxiety, you know, belief. It's like hard for me to, Jersey, you, you walk down the stairs into a church base, but that's where all the meetings are. Right. I don't know how it is where you are, but, but, you know, walking down those stairs and into the bright lights where everybody's standing around and they all look at you, you know, walking in and, and, and, you know, just anxiety. Oh, they're looking at me. They're going to be thinking at me next year, you know, and, and it was really difficult, but I had such willingness. I, it's not that I didn't want to die. It's that I didn't want to kill my family. Like in that last drunk, uh, you know, I was pretty convinced I had the capacity to kill them. And, uh, and I just didn't want to be that guy. I couldn't be that guy. I actually had some fondness for my family. You know what I mean? I, I'm not going to kill them. So, so I, I am in the Fellowship Alcoholics Anonymous and people are doing fellowship suggestions. They're saying 90 and 90, you know, become the coffee maker, become the secretary, you know, uh, you know, do all this stuff and, you know, uh, pick up the boobies from the hatch and, uh, bring them to the meeting. And, and, you know, I was doing all that stuff. I was doing all that stuff. Like, like, like what it started become passionate to
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me. I started to like it. I started to make friends with you. You were accepting of me. Thank God you weren't, you weren't like, like, you know, Chris, you're a scumbag. You're not welcome here. No, it was like, it was like, we want you in our meeting. We know you're damaged, you know, beyond belief, but, but we want you in our meeting, you know, you make the rest of us look good, you know? So, so, so I'm going to all these meetings and, uh, and I'm a mess.
Here's what I believe today. This is my topic, Ramona, finding recovery in the fellowship. That's what I want my topic to be tonight, because this was the most significantly important thing that's happened to me in 35 years, being a card carrying member in good standing, you know, it's the most significant, significant experience that I had, but, but I want, I want to tell you what, what happens when you separate from alcohol and you're, you're a chronic alcoholic and somehow you're going to meetings and you're able to separate from alcohol for a period of time. You are going to experience an overwhelming toxic, uh, manifestation of self-consciousness. That's what's going to happen. The book Alcoholics Anonymous is very, very clear. They, they ask us to ask God to relieve the bondage of self. And they talk about selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of our troubles. We must be rid of the selfishness or it will kill us. The book is very, very clear on what our problem is once we've separated from alcohol. And I found that to be absolutely true, but nobody was talking about that in, in the New Jersey meetings I was going to in 1990, you know, it was all fellowship suggestions, you know, uh, come early, stay late, you know, uh, uh, get a sponsor, uh, get a home group, uh, you know, all the, and there, and those are fellowship suggestions and they are absolutely appropriate and wonderful, but not drinking and going to a lot of AA meetings is not a trend for alcoholism. And, and that's what I found out. Luckily toward the end of year one, it was this guy, uh, uh, was, was his name. And, uh, and you know, he'd given me a bunch of stuff.
He'd go to new age bookstores and crystals and pyramids and affirmation books. And he'd throw all this stuff at me. He saw how damaged I was, but you know, he became like my first best friend in Alcoholics Anonymous. And, uh, and one day his roommates were passing around a series of tapes and he listened to him. He didn't like him very much. So he gave him the mix and I didn't really like these too much, but, uh, you know, I have a feeling they're gonna, they're going to say something to you. And they, and they certainly did. And it was a, it was a 12 hour workshop by the late great Joe and Charlie. And I, you know, I'm sober eight, nine months or something. Right. And I'm still spitting dry. I am still the guy like, what did you say? I know what you meant by, you know, you know, I was, I was like that guy in the meetings.
And so I started to listen to these tapes and they started to talk about a recovery program, something that wasn't really being discussed. And I was going to a lot of discussion meetings and, and, you know, it just, it just, you know, people might mention, Oh, I did a four step, you know, but somebody would go, how do you do a four step? And some wizened old jerk would go with a pencil, you know, I mean, there wasn't, there wasn't a lot of, uh, of direction.
And so I'm going through these tapes and they're talking about inventory and they're, they're talking about prayer and they're talking about rest, you know, uh, making amends. And they're talking about, you know, the disciplines of 10 and 11 and, you know, how you're supposed and I'm like, I'm like, what, what are they talking about? You know what I mean? Like, maybe that's how they do it in Arkansas, but in New Jersey, we share, you know, we go to meetings and we share. So, uh, so, so I got upset. I threw the tapes to the side and, uh, and then I got put in a sober bottom. Listen, many of us experienced this. You can call it a second bottom. You can, you know, you can, you can call it a nervous breakdown if you want, but what, what, what happens is situations, um, jam, jam us up so much that we, we can't handle the, the emotional trauma of these things. And, and what happened to me was, you know, my first girlfriend broke up with me. Uh, uh, I lost my job and, uh, and the state of Florida, computers were coming online then. And they, they found me and they, you know, sending me correspondence with like fleeing to avoid.
Sending Me Correspondence With Like Fleeing to Avoid Prosecution Kind of Language.
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You know, I'd been in Florida for a while causing some trouble. And, uh, and I crumpled. It was, it was way too much. I, I was sober maybe eight, nine, ten months. And what happened was, you know, I went over to my sponsor's house and, you know, I, he, he gave me a couple of suggestions. You know, they didn't make any, he said, Chris, do you pray? And I'm like, pray, pray? What's that to do with it?
I, I need guns. You know, I mean, I was so out of touch. I was so out of touch. So, uh, so I threw the tapes to the side. I had this, I had this, you know, emotional bottom and, uh, and because the tapes spoke about alcoholism in a way that was experiential and with authority, uh, they haunted me. Uh, the information in them haunted me, you know, how would, how would you like to be, let's, let's say, you know, how would you like to be a football player?
You've been a football player for years and all, and all of a sudden there's this book that comes out that talks about a football playing. You've never heard of, you know, your ego is going to be, uh, is going to be challenged. Like what the hell are they talking about? Right. But, but, excuse me, but, um, the information haunted me. So what I did was I, I blew the dust off my big book. I started listening to these tapes and, uh, and I started to the best of my ability, trying to, trying to approach these steps, trying to actually take these steps to understand, you know, what they are and, and, and how to apply them in my life.
And I was doing a terrible job, right? But, but, but here, here, here's the thing. I believe, I don't believe we're graded A, B, C, D on our step work. I think, I think it's a pass fail, you know what I mean? And, uh, and I was doing enough for, I was doing enough to, to move forward. And, and you recognized it, you recognized it before I did that, uh, that I was recovering. You were coming up and you're saying, you're saying, Chris, man, you sound so different.
What's going on with you? You sounded really good today in the meeting, you know? And I, I started, people started asking me to sponsor them and that was different. And back then what, you know, a good sponsor would give you their phone number and, and tell you they'd like to see you at meetings. So, you know, that's like about it. And, uh, and so I started to sponsor that way. Here's my phone number and here's the meetings I go to.
I want to see you there. You know, you ever need, you know, you ever need to talk, you know, give me a call. And, uh, and, and I, I gotta tell you, my experience with that was this, a lot of them were drinking on me. You ever have a sponsor drink on you and make you look bad? You know what I mean? Chris, is Harry yours? You know, you know, he's hitting on the new women and he's borrowing money from everybody.
Yeah, Harry's mine. You know, I'll, I'll talk to him, you know? And so, so at about year three, what I decided to do was I decided to bring people over to my house. This wasn't done much back then either. A lot of times you, you know, you'd never introduce your wife to any of the AA members. You'd never let them know where they, where you live. You know, I mean, anonymity was, was, uh, you know, was different back then.
And so, so I started to bring these people over to my house and I started to crack the book Alcoholics Anonymous and, and move through it in kind of a Joe and Charlie-esque way. I then discovered Joe Hawk and, you know, the Salvation Army tapes and stuff like that. And, you know, I started to, uh, to try to move people through the steps. You know, when there's an instruction, I'd explain, this is an instruction.
It says that we need to do this, you know, and, and I'd get a commitment from them. And, and I learned, I learned something really, really important. That's how I've been sponsoring for, for, oh God, 32 years. Uh, and I've, I've learned, this is my experience with it. The people that made it through the steps, the people that paid the money back and put a prayer and, uh, you know, meditation discipline together, people that worked with other alcoholics, you know, people that weren't afraid of a fearless and thorough moral inventory and sharing of that, uh, people that understood that this is a, this is a bigger challenge than they can take care of themselves and needed a power greater than themselves.
You know, people who, who, who went through that process, I know where every one of them, every one of them is, you know, every one of them is sober today. You know, I'm not saying there wasn't a little relapse here and there, you know, during COVID or, you know, during an operation, you know, the opiates got a little out of whack. I'm not saying that, but I'm saying, I know where all of them are. And I understand today that what happens is when we go through the steps with somebody,
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um, we bond in a way that's different than a fellowship bond. You know, listen, I love everybody in my meetings and everything, but, but I go through the steps with you and we share an experience that cements us together. It just does. And, and, and we, we enter what's known as, uh, you know, the, the, the fellowship, uh, the fellowship of the spirit together. So, um, so, you know, I'm, I've, I've moved along in Alcoholics Anonymous.
I want to talk a little bit about, you know, the evolution of, of, uh, of my recovery. And I want to make sure that, uh, what time do I stop Ramona? Like five up. Okay. You know, I want to talk a little bit about my experience with, uh, with the steps. I talked a little bit about step one, you know, the phenomenon of craving and, uh, uh, the obsession of the mind. You know, if you have those two things, there's not, there's no, no question that you're going to get from any of us, you know, you are alcoholic.
But I want to talk about the dash after the dash. Um, I mentioned a little bit about it, that toxic experience of self-consciousness, but, but what happens is, you know, when my first ending of step one was, yeah, my life is unmanageable. I get DUIs, you know, I, you know, I get thrown out of the house, you know, drunk, blah, blah, blah. I used to think that, you know, the unmanageability was, was, uh, you know, external reactions to, to my behavior.
And, and I don't believe that anymore. I believe the unmanageability is internal. I believe it's spiritual, it's emotional and it's mental. Uh, and we can suffer from it. All right. Uh, how does that work with me? Uh, in between the drinks, uh, you know, in an unrecovered state, uh, if it's a good day, I'm restless, irritable, and I'm discontented. You know, I, I just don't want, I don't know. You know, I said I was going to go, I'm not, I know I'm not going to really, I don't really feel like doing that.
You know what I'm not getting, you know, like that guy. Uh, on a normal day, I'm, I'm prey to misery, depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, remorse. I mean, you, you name it, you know, I'm an emotional, uh, basket case. My mind is, is playing these, uh, of wrongs that have done been done to me in years past. And, and, you know, and missed opportunities and, and bad breaks and misunderstandings. You know, I'm just, I'm just, I'm overwhelmed with all that stuff.
And on a really bad day, it's the hideous four horsemen, terror, frustration, bewilderment, despair, the hideous four horsemen, pitiful and incomprehensible realization. If you're an alcoholic, you know what I'm talking about that from experience. It's, it's amazing what we have through and, and survived, you know, cause we're the type of people that go to work feeling so bad that a normal person would be in the, in the emergency room, you know, feeling that bad.
You know, I mean, we, we have learned how to suffer and it's, it's overwhelming. So, so that's the, that's the spiritual malady. And that's really what needs to be treated. You know, the alcohol, the alcohol has to be treated through the application of the treatment for the spiritual malady. So how does that work? How did it work for me? Well, step two, I had to come to believe that there was a power greater than myself.
I mean, when it was explained to me like this, Chris, this is what powerlessness over alcohol looks like. You can't control when you take it and you can't keep from taking it. Do you understand? Do you, do you identify with that? Yes. All right. That's powerlessness, power, you know, lack control, you know, lack of voice leads to lack of power. So in step two, we're asking you to come to believe that there's a power.
I mean, do you see something going on in these rooms? You know, is there evidence in front of your face that there's something going on? You know, we're telling you our stories. We drank like you, we had experiences like you, and we don't anymore. Is it possible we've gained access to a power greater than ourselves that enables us to say, stay separated from alcohol and our lives get a little bit better every day?
Yeah, that's possible. Yeah, that's possible. Okay. Moving into step three, there's considerations prior to, you know, the confirmation prayer of step three. And that's what it, that's what it says. Selfishness, self-centeredness, that we think is our troubles. I have to get with, I have to get with, I've met the enemy and he is me. You know, I got to stop. I got to stop looking at everything out there is the reason why I'm all messed up in here.
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No, I'm, I'm messed up in here because I, because I, you know, I lack perspective. I lack good judgment. You know, I have very unhealthy thinking, you know, so, and there's a great line. There's a great line. Being convinced that self in various ways has defeated us. So Bill Wilson, Bill Wilson saw this concept of self as the thing we need to recover from. That's what he saw. I mean, I mean, you know, read the book.
It's all the way through it, you know? And so, so I have to, I have to understand that I move away from this, this critical self-consciousness. It's just, I'm not going to be able to survive suffering the way I suffer at the level of selfishness and self-centeredness that I have. I'm not going to be able to do it. So in step three, I humbly ask God to please, you know, remove, remove these shortcomings.
Relieve me of the bondage of self and then move into what they describe as a moral inventory. Now, I don't know about you, but did anybody ever come up to you and say, what is wrong with you? You know, I mean, I was getting that all the time. You know what I mean? Like, like I walk by a neighbor, you know, cause I was a blackout drinker and I, you know, sometimes I moved around in that blackout, you know, and I bump into somebody.
What is wrong with you? I wouldn't have any clue what they were talking about. It was like from a day or two ago and, and I, I could never answer that question. I could never answer that question. So I would turn it around on them. What's wrong with you, man? You know, what's your problem? Because, because it's inconvenient to like accept responsibility and, and blame. So I never did it. So, so in step four, I am to inventory the most common manifestations of self that have defeated me.
And what's defeated me most is my resentments. I'm pissed. I'm pissed at everything. I'm pissed at you. I'm pissed at the cops. I'm pissed at the political system. I don't like my neighbors. My boss is an idiot. There's maniacs on the road everywhere you go. You know, I mean, I'm just, I'm just, I'm just pissed. And that's a terrible way to experience this wonderful gift called life. You know, we're wasting life if we're always, always pissed off and fear.
You know, I liken, I liken his concept of the fear inventory as an, as an anxiety inventory. You know, I'm, I have, I have waves of anxiety. I'm not a coward type of fear, but I'm uncomfortable with myself and I'm uncomfortable with my environment. And it's keeping me from being where I need to be doing what I need to be doing. And I recognize this in the fear. So fear is an evil and corroding thread.
The fabric of your existence is shot through and it is going to cause every jackpot and every mess and every no-show and every missed commitment and every letdown that there is. That's, that's what, that's all anxiety is going to do. You know, don't really worry about it. And then it asks me to look at sex conduct. Now, it was like the, just out of the roaring twenties, everybody had sex on their mind, but really what this inventory is, it's a relationship inventory.
How do we, how do we, how do we treat the people we're, you know, we're claiming we care about, you know, that's really what this inventory is. And, and going into that inventory, I thought every woman I ever met, let me down. They were all crazy. You know you, you know, they left me when I needed the most to every single one of them. You can't trust them. I get done that inventory and I realized I'm the one that blew everything up.
I had some really, really good women who gave me a shot, you know, they gave me a shot. And, and, you know, I'm the one that, I'm the one that hand grenaded that thing all to hell, you know, with my toxic self-consciousness, everything was always about me. Who are you just talking to? You know, you know, I mean, it's just like that. So, so I blew them all up. So, uh, inventory, all that stuff. Now, now I have to share it.
My first experience, you know, sharing inventory with my sponsor, uh, we did it in a park. He was walking his dogs. He liked to multitask. And I remember, I remember walking down the trail. My, my head was low. I mean, you gotta understand.
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What's a sweeping sober? That's what you say. And then I'm puked on your sister's couch. I told you I wouldn't do that anymore. You know, I'm sorry. I don't know. You know, you know, yeah, like like haven't you tried so. So this is what I believe. I believe I humbly ask God. And I've done that. I've done that. And I've found an enormous amount of freedom and an enormous amount of power in in step nine.
You know, you want to remove anxiety. Do a complete step eight nine. There won't be anything to be anxious about anymore. You know, you'll have made amends to everything. You is everybody you resent. You know, you paid the money back. You'll do all that stuff. So you want true freedom. You want true freedom in your life. You know, that's that's that's the way to go. Step nine. So I've gotten a lot of freedom from that and a lot of power.
I think ultimately the 12 step process is about freedom and it's about power. You know, it's about this power greater than ourselves that will do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. And it's about freedom, the bondage of self, which is our real problem anyway. You know, that's what Alcoholics Anonymous is about. Now I'm moving to step 10. Step 10 is a cool step. It's like you've learned some real lessons with steps one through nine.
You know, you've had some real experiences. You're starting to have a spiritual awakening if you haven't had one already.
[00:35:02]
Now there needs to be what the Asher group used to call continuance. There has to be consistent application of these principles for them, for them to have lasting effect. So really that's the step 10 step. Continue to take personal inventory, continue to share with people, continue to make amends when you're wrong, continue to pray, continue to do these things that I've learned in the first nine steps as a reaction to life in real time.
You know what I mean? Like that's how you take this thing and turn it into a way of life, you know, by the application of step 10. Step 10 is very, very cool. You know, we improve our connection with God, you know, or the, or the power or the divine or the great reality or the father of light or however you want to describe your particular experience of higher power. That's totally, totally your business.
But no matter what, no matter what it is or how you describe it, it's possible to improve your relationship with it. And that's really what step 11 is. It's, it's upon awakening. You know, what we do is we, we plan our day. We, we say a bunch of prayers, we bring God into the day. You know, we, we try to, you know, we try to like scope out, you know, what we're going to experience, ask God for help and, and go as we move through the day.
You know, if we're, you know, we ask God, you know, thy will not mine be done. You know, we're supposed to do that many times each day. You know, whenever we're, we pause when agitated or doubtful, ask for the right thought or action. You know, those are all disciplines. And, and then when we retire at night, we constructively review our day. You know, Bill was a businessman. He knew how to like, he knew how to like troubleshoot, you know, business entities that weren't making any money.
He could, he could see like what wasn't happening, you know? And, and so he's describing all this stuff in like a business inventory, a business way. And if you think about it, you know, starting out the day with a plan and then ending the day with an assessment of how that plan went makes a lot of sense. And that's really what step 11 is. At the end of the day, we ask ourselves, do we owe any amends to, you know, what, what could we have done better?
You know, we ask ourselves a number of these questions and we start to become self reflective. We start to be able to, to, to self analyze our participation in the spiritual life. You know, we're not cured of alcoholism. We're granted a spiritual reprieve based on the, based on the maintenance of our, our spiritual condition. And, and how then shall I maintain my spiritual condition? Cause my life depends on it.
Well, you know, it's explained in step 10 and 11, you know, how, how that, how, you know, the, the continued maintenance and growth of our, of our, of our spiritual experience. And then we move into, then we move into step 12. So I told you, you know, people were drinking on me when I was just handing them phone numbers and, and people were really, really doing well who were moving through the steps.
But there were a lot of people who, you know, who weren't the steps. And this is the way it was back in the day with the early alcoholics. Bill, Bill went through like 60 guys before he found somebody to do the steps, you know? And, and it, you know, and if somebody asked me to sponsor him, I hung in there with them. You know what I mean? Like, like I put more work sometimes into their recovery than they did.
And there's a, there's a chapter in the book, Alcoholics Anonymous called Working With Others. And some of this stuff seemed very hard, very harsh. You know, if someone is not willing to work with you, meaning going through the 12 steps with you, you may have to drop them. You know, your time is going to be wasted if you're spending it on someone who's not willing to work with you. Now, now that, you know, the first exposure to that stuff was like, like, like, wow.
You know, like, that was pretty hardcore, you know, back in World War I. You know what I mean? Like, like we love them until they can love themselves today. You know, we throw them in the car, we take them to meetings. And that was, that was my experience. And, you know, I've, I've, I've grown toward the practices and processes in the, in the chapter of working with others. If I'll meet with you, I will help,
[00:40:00]
I will help identify within you so that you can identify it. Your alcoholism. I'll explain the steps, you know, what they look like, what they're, you know, how you take them, what you can expect from them. And I will get a commitment that there's at least a willingness to start this process in the 12 steps. If there isn't the most merciful thing I can do is move on. It really is. Because if I allow them to think that they're having a real sponsorship, real recovery experience, when they're not, that's disingenuous.
You know, and I really, I only know one way to do this. You know what I mean? Like, listen, my sponsor told me to go to all, go to meetings. That was a, he was giving me the best he had. You know, I have a different experience today. I will give you the best I have. And, and what that is, that's, that's a recovery experience. Now. I've probably sponsored, I don't know, anywhere between two and 300 people in the last 35 years.
These days, I seem to get more people with a lot of time who were, you know, just looking, they're not looking for an overhaul. They're looking for a tune up. You know, they've been sober a long time. They've got a lot of experience with the steps and they just maybe want to, maybe want to go a level deeper or, you know, experience, have a new experience. And those are usually the people I get. Most newcomers are just not attracted to, to, to me anymore.
You know, I don't know why that is. It's not like I wouldn't work with them. They don't ask me, they tend to ask the people, you know, with a year or five years. And, you know, that's probably appropriate. But, but I've sponsored, I've sponsored a lot of people. And I'll tell you this. It's been the most remarkable thing in my life. It's been one of the greatest gifts of my life. I can't tell you how many people I am in touch with now, because I sponsor a bunch of people and then they sponsor people.
No, I'm their grand sponsor. And then they're out sponsoring people. And then, you know, you know, and I meet them all over the country now, you know what I mean? And, and, and we're in this thing called the fellowship of the spirit together, this sponsors lineage thing. You know what I mean? And it's remarkable. Like, like I was down in South Carolina a couple months ago and I met six of my grand sponsors that I didn't know I had.
And, you know, that's like finding long lost children, you know, or hugging, you know, go going out. And I always wanted to have a crew, you know what I mean? I'm from Jersey. We get, we get crews, you know, and I was running a crew. And I never could because, you know, the guys that would hang out with me would hang around just long enough for, for, for the, you know, the, the two grams of Coke to last or whatever, you know, and, and they, you could never count on any of them.
You know, you wouldn't believe. And, and I, I'm getting a little older. I know I don't look that way, but I'm getting, I'm getting a little older. I think I just retired today, by the way, I put in a resignation today where I work. We'll have to see how that goes. But, but, but a lot of us are starting to get sick now. You know, a lot of us are starting to get, get the big C and heart attacks and strokes and stuff.
And then, you know, these are my contemporaries. And folks, we, we, we hang together. You know what I mean? You know, we're there for each other in a real big way. And that's, you know, that's part of my experience. That's, that's, you know, that's, that's part of my, part of my experience today. Practice these principles in all my affairs. That's, that's a challenge. That's a heavy lift. I can't say I do that anywhere near perfectly, but we claim spiritual progress, not spiritual perfection.
I don't know about you, but I don't really like perfect people. You ever have a perfect person come over your house, make you look bad? You know, you know, why aren't you, why aren't you more like Henry? You know, he's going to law school. He's got a nice girl. He's got a job. I hate Henry. You know, I don't like perfect people. I like, I like imperfect people because it's the imperfections that make us lovable.
And you want to see, you want to see lovable people. They are an alcoholics. Anonymous are imperfections are what make us spiritual. Imperfections are what make us special. And we're working, we're working diligently, all of us,
[00:45:00]
to improve our lives and the lives of others. You know, and we claim spiritual progress, not perfection. And so, so I really try to apply spirit, spiritualism in my life. You know, one of the reasons I, I, I resigned today was, was I was confronted with a, with a situation that just, just, I, I, you know, I was, I was not going to be able to move forward under a particular, particular leadership. It was, it was not a, not an honest, not an honest approach to, to leadership. And I just, I just couldn't play. I can't play in that sandbox anymore.
You know, I can handle practically anything except, you know, you know, deep, deep dishonesty. And I, you know, I've got to go. Luckily, you know, I was retired before I got this job. You know, so, so I believe I'm practicing principles in all my affairs. And one of my, one of my principles today is integrity. You know, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna blow my integrity up. Carry this message to other alcoholics, practice these principles. We're, we're tasked, folks, we're tasked on a mission. We, we are, we are on a mission from God, like the Blues Brothers.
Make no mistake about it. We're on a mission from God. And I believe this, I'm gonna end, I'm gonna end with this. I believe, I believe today I'm a spiritual entity having a human experience on this planet Earth. And I believe this planet Earth was, was designed by the handiwork of God to be our playground. Like, like, look at some, look at some of the most coolest places on Earth, right? I, I, I believe that, that, that God said, I'm gonna, I'm gonna give you guys a playground. And our job, our job is like the kids on recess. Remember recess in second or third grade? How we had to, we had to learn how to like socialize. You know, we had, we had to learn how to assimilate, you know, with other third graders. You know, and we were taught not to hit, you know, and don't bear false witness and don't, don't take somebody's sandwich and all the lessons that we, that we had to learn. You know, I believe, I believe that's, that's the point. You know, we're, we're on God's playground and, and we're on recess and, and we're learning how to live with each other, you know, and, and there's an awful amount, awful huge amount of love in this thing called Alcoholics Anonymous. And I want to thank Ramona for asking me to come and share with you. Thank you, Ramona.
Do you want me to do it? Go through again. Okay, that's fine. Thank you, Chris. Thank you, everybody. Let me find the brand new script that I just got. And I'm so excited because now I can talk with some kind of reasonable behavior, right? Well, I don't know about that. But thank you, Chris. That was great. Come on now. Okay, there it is. Okay. Thank you so much for joining us tonight where you never know what you're going to get. You'll just have to come, keep coming back and we surely hope to see you here next Thursday. Our special guest is Hero S.
And so put on your fast listening earbuds. You know, you have to have fast listening earbuds for some people. And Hero is one of the some of those but fantastic speaker. I know you'll love him. If you like this meeting, please do as Bill Wilson always says pass it on. You can help others right from your phone or computer and tell him about this special meeting. Everyone is invited to hang out with us afterwards in the meeting after the meeting on the back porch because that's how we do it in the south. Chris, do you have any closing comments? And will you please take this out with the prayer or reading or anything? It's your choice as long as it's based on us, you know? So, you know, my closing thoughts is God bless all of you. You know, Godspeed in this recovery journey. And my closing prayer is going to this comes out of Denver. It's one of my favorite prayers in the world. And I would I would ask everybody to repeat after me. God, thank you.
Thank you. Good job. I love it. All right, everybody unmute. You can yell at him now.
[00:50:00]
Chris, thank you. Very, very enjoyable. Thank you. Thank you, Chris. I could relate to everything you said. And I love the topic finding recovery in the fellowship. It's a great topic. And and I just love that you talked about, you know, about this dishonesty and retiring today, because we do we do discover these things that we are very uncomfortable about. And we no longer can live that way. And you went through those steps beautifully. Thank you so much. Yes, thank you, guys. I just heard.