Good evening, everyone. My name is Don Sea. I'm an alcoholic. I am a member of the Mohican Nation. I was born for the Turtle Clan on my mother's side. I was born for the Coyote Clan on my father's side, and my Indian name is Tantankawambli. That name was given to me by the elders when I was, um, made the keeper of the sacred hoop. But in front of all that, I got a… My best name is I'm an alcoholic. I, I can't, I can't ever forget that. I have been, uh, fortunate in, um, my recovery and, uh, even before that to, uh, have been in the circle of elders. And in our culture, we have a great respect for, for our elders. And one of the things, uh, they tell us is that whenever people gather together, we should take the time to connect with each other. And, um, by that, if I were to switch and speak in my own native tongue, then what I was gonna say next would be very easy. But in English, sometimes it's, uh, different. You can't say the things the same. And, uh, when they talk about connecting, we're talking about, uh, the spiritual world and that world that we, that we cannot see. And, uh, when I refer to the spiritual world, uh, I don't mean, uh, religion. I'm talking as soon as the eye cannot see it, then that's in the spiritual world. Or as soon as your ear cannot hear it, then it's in the spiritual world. Like, you cannot see electricity, but if you stick your finger in it, you'll have a spiritual experience. That's the world I'm talking about. There are powers there. And, uh, in our language, we have a word that describes this connectedness in, in our language is called, uh, netushniha. And what it means is, um, there's many different levels of connectedness in the spiritual world. The first one is usually done with one of the five physical senses. As soon as you look at someone, you can tell when it, your eye connects. So in the old days, the elders, they were very, very aware of that world. Now, the second level of interconnectedness i-in our language is called netushniha, and this is what it means. It's like when you look at someone, there's a second later, there's a feeling goes across. That's netushniha. So when it's, uh, connecting, you can tell. When you feel that, then you nod. And I think that's, uh, one of the things that's so present in, uh, in, uh, AA, is that feeling of connectedness. It doesn't matter whether you are not connected or not. If you walk into that room, you feel that connectedness. And that was the thing that brought me back to my first meeting. I felt that connectedness that the old people talked about, and I think that's why the steps say we, because it takes more than one. And so, uh, to get going, and I guess to maybe help with my nervousness, I would like to, um, to show how we at gatherings get that feeling of connectedness going. And the first thing, uh, before we get going I would offer is, uh, is these four colors of cloth. It stands for f-the four directions: red, yellow, black and white. But it also represents the human being. And what the old people tell us is that the creator did not make four races, the creator only made one race. Just like you have flowers, different color flowers, you have birds, different color birds. And a human being, when we're born, they say the creator gives to each one of us a earth suit. It's just a suit. Some are red, some are yellow, some are black, some are white. And then when we come out of the womb, then we are different. But, uh, the skin, this is not who I am. And so when we do this ceremony, then it means that we look in this room, and we see all different kinda earth suits. And it's, it's, uh, always, uh… This alcohol, you know, it's a EEO disease like it was said earlier. It doesn't care whether you're red, yellow, black or white. And, uh, that's what we have in common, is the alcohol, in that we come in here and we sit in these rooms and we look past the earth suit, look inside each other, and then we become one, just a human. The humans, exactly how the creator made us. And so I put those, uh, those colors down there. And, uh, elders, they say you, you say that because then no one feels excluded. We want you here, everyone. We belong here. This is where we come together to recover. And then what I'm gonna do is, uh, I'm gonna light just a little bit of sage. It's a plant that we use. Uh, we were taught that every, every plant has a medicine. Um, pharmaceutical companies know this to be true. They're always looking for that plant so they can find that medicine, then they sell it. Now, uh, we are taught that every plant is sacred. It has a medicine. You know, we human beings, we're, we're kinda weird sometimes. Like, when we don't like something, then we label it. Like, you see a certain plant If you don't like it, you call it darn weed, you know. Or we see some kinda animal, we don't like it, oh, that pest. Like, maybe it shouldn't be here. And that's what we have to– That's one good thing about what we have to do here, is we look at everyone. It doesn't matter what you did, how many times you did it, where you come from. You're not a weed. You're not a pest. You're a human, and w- and we want you here. And so the sage, uh, what it does is it has a medicine, and it helps with that feeling of connecting. And that's why the old people say, the elders say, start that way. And then, uh, what we, uh, do, is we just light a little bit of it. And then, uh, we'll use this eagle feather. And, um, when you light the medicine, then it comes out in the smoke of the plant. That's how the medicine gets out of a plant. And then we take this eagle feather, and then you run that feather on top of that plant so the medicine sticks on the top. It sticks to the feather, and then you take that medicine, and you throw it. And it goes a great distance, and it is used to help us to connect with each other. And then they say too that whenever you are– you hold the eagle feather, or you stand in the presence of a eagle feather, you can't lie. You must always tell the truth. So I'm gonna just leave this laid out here because I am a alcoholic, you know. And so… I'll just lay it there, you know. Just in case. And, um, one of the– I, I, I have been, uh, from the time I was picked up at the airport, I have been just treated so well, just so well here. And, um, it was, uh, of a great surprise to me to see so many of my relatives here. Um, you know, the groups that come down and from different places, and it just really makes me feel good. And I love, uh, seeing our Native women here. Um, someday we men are gonna have to apologize to our women. They are the ones that have held our communities together. They hold our families together. Through all the things that have went with our peoples, it has been our women have been our strength. And so, um, it's, uh, with their permission, I, I, I ask to speak, you know, tonight, to be, to be in their presence. Our women are sacred beings. And, uh, it's just, uh, really a honor for, um, for me to see, you know, our people here. It used to be you didn't see many here. Now we're seeing more and more and more, so you guys better watch out. Pretty soon you won't be having s– You won't be having steak. You'll be having fry bread out there, you know. But fry bread's good. Um, and then I wanna thank that relative also that, um, that brought this medicine. This is something within our tradition that is, that is done and has, uh, a great meaning to us. And so I, I wanna, um, also thank you for that. Well, I was told, uh, here to, um, just to tell my story on what happened and, um, you know, and, uh, what it was like and, and what it's like now. And probably the best way I could, uh, share my story is, uh, maybe to tell you a story. Some of you here know Don P. Um, he was, uh, very instrumental in the early days of my recovery, and he, he was the one I first heard this story from. And it had a great significance, uh, when I heard this story 'cause I related to this story very, very well. And he said that, uh, there was, uh, there was this place, an arena, and it was like a boxing ring was there. And, um, and in one corner of this arena was, uh, one of the boxers. His, his name was Alcohol, in the black trunks. And in another, other corner, there was, uh, another boxer in the white trunks, and that was me. And, um, there was a lot of people coming in, and they were sitting in that arena to watch this match. And, uh, they were filling up, filling up, and everybody was waiting. And, um, you know how that is, like, when they have those, those events. They usually put a little ribbon on the front row, and that's where they save seats for your family, so they, they can have a close view of what's going on. And so, uh, my family came in, and, uh, sure enough, they m-moved that ribbon, and they let 'em sit right in the front, so there was nothing to block, so they could see what was about to happen. And so, uh, pretty soon a referee come out there, and, uh, he call us to the center. And he said, "I'm gonna explain the rules here, so that we want this fight to be fair." And so he says, "No hitting below the belt, and And he explained his rules very carefully. And he said, "If you're in agreement," he said, "both of you," he said, "you hit your gloves." So we did that. Both me and alcohol, we understood the rules. And so, uh, we went, and we sat down, and it wasn't very long, that bell rang, and we hopped out there, and we started fighting. You know, in the first round, it, it was kinda cool. You know, the– it was, it was kinda fun. We're dancing around and punching away at each other, and, uh, the alcohol had like a charisma. There was something about the alcohol. You know, I, I was kind of, uh, memorized, memorized by this alcohol. And so the bell rang. We sat down, and pretty soon, uh, we're watching, staring at one another, and I got up. Bell rang. We got out there and started bouncing around. And it wasn't very long, uh, the alcohol, uh, I don't know how it did it, but it snuck in this one punch, and it just really stung a little bit. And, uh, it kinda caught my attention, and that alcohol said, "Hey, that was just a lucky punch." He says, "You can whip me." Restored my confidence because I knew of my assessment of that, that I would be able to whip this alcohol. And so, uh, bell rang. We sat down, got up, and we got out there again. By the third, fourth round, that alcohol is, uh, it's stinging me more than, more than I thought, you know, in the same round. And I keep looking at this alcohol, and it would just say, "Hey, it was just a lucky punch." He says, "You can whip me." And somehow, in my, deep down in my innermost being, I knew I could whip this alcohol. I just knew it. And then, uh, as I sat down, uh, next thing I noticed is people started to leave. It, it was kinda boring, I guess. And, uh, I just kinda caught that out the corner of my eye. And so, uh, that bell rang, and we got out there. And this time, uh, uh, the alcohol, it, it hit below the belt, and I looked at that referee, and the referee didn't say nothing. But that was one of the rules. It wasn't supposed to fight dirty like that, but it started to fight dirty. And it wasn't very long, uh, pretty soon I started to swell up, and I started to hurt, and the alcohol was, uh, really, uh, hurting. And, uh, I was getting all scarred up. And by the sixth or seventh round, I'm, uh, I'm sitting there just all bruised up, and I'm, I'm staring over at the alcohol, and it's got this big smile on his face, you know? Like, uh… And, and it kinda m-made me determined. And pretty soon, I f– I felt this tug on my arm, and, uh, I looked down there, and my son, he come up, and he said, he says, "Dad," he said, um, "Mom says let's go." She said, uh, "Just c– just come on with us, and let's, let's get out of here." And I looked down at him, and I says, "You, you tell your mama one more round." I said, "I'm gonna show him my stuff. I've been kinda holding back. I'm, I'm gonna show you." And so, uh, he went back, and, uh, I was really determined. I was focused on that alcohol. Bell rang. We got out there, and this time alcohol is just, is doing the duty. You know, my knees are wobbly, and I'm, uh, just really hurting, and I can't hardly see. And it's, it's like screaming, "You can whip me." And, and inside, this voice got even stronger. I knew that I could. And so, uh, the bell rang. I went back, and I sat down, and I'm staring at that alcohol, and pretty soon I felt this tug on my arm. And this time it's one of my daughters, and I, I looked at her, and I said, "What?" And she says m– she says, "Mom said if you don't go now, we're gonna leave." She says, "We're gonna leave." And I said, "Just tell her one more round. Just you guys just sit there just one more round." And, um, so I got out there, and, uh, the alcohol was, uh, just dropping me to my knees. And, uh, I'm not sure I know when they left. I, I don't– I'm not sure I know when that left. I, I was so obsessed with that alcohol. And then by the last round, when that bell would ring, I was like on my knees going out there to whip that alcohol. It kept saying, "You can whip me," but I'm now on my knees, and that alcohol is just kicking and doing all the things it wasn't supposed to do until I fell f- all flat on my face. I could only see the alcohol's tennis shoes. And I guess it was there I had this moment of clarity, and I said to myself, "You know, this alcohol is lying. It's not, uh… There's something wrong here." And so I, I crawled out that arena. And, uh, as I was going out, this alcohol is screaming, "You can whip me. You can whip me." And I said, "I don't think so." So I got out there, and so I started to do a little personal work, and I started feeling pretty good, you know? I started reading books and trying to get my act together. And then, um, about a month, I started thinking. I said, "I think I know one more move." I think I know a, a thing that it doesn't know. So I made that decision. I said, "I'm gonna go back there. This isn't gonna take long." And so I walked in that arena, and there that alcohol is standing in that corner with his arms on those ropes. And, uh, with confidence, I said to alcohol, I said, "Alcohol, I'm back." And it said, "I knew you would be. I knew you'd be back because you can whip me." And so I, uh, I said, "Yes, I can." And so I went up there, and, um, the alcohol didn't even let me crawl on the ropes. It wasn't supposed to do that either. And I, I got dropped right away. And, uh, it didn't take very long for I was just looking at the alcohol's tennis shoes again. And so once more, I crawled out of that arena, and, uh, the alcohol had really done a lot of damage. And so I did some more personal work, and then I got thinking again. I says, "You know, I think I know a move. I'm gonna go back in there." And this time I went back in there, and, uh, alcohol was standing right there waiting. And, um, I went back in there, and alcohol did it quicker this time. So once again, I crawled out of that arena, and, uh, the last time I was in that arena was August 10th, 1978, and I haven't found it necessary to go back to that arena 'cause I know alcohol's still waiting there. And it was with, uh, that, that I, um, I came to you people. It took, uh, what it took, but I came to you. And I think my moment of, uh, clarity was, uh, it happened really, um, outside of Colorado Springs where I live. There's a park there. They call it Garden of the Gods. And, uh, it's a very beautiful place. Used to be a very sacred place to the Arapaho and the Utes. And I always felt really connected in that Garden of the Gods. So by that time, my drinking had progressed that, um- I drank alone. Uh, I didn't have friends who would go drinking with me 'cause I was a little bit too unpredictable. I, uh, was– I never knew what was gonna go on or what I would do with it, you know. I was sharing with Lyle earlier, you know, I, I, I'd go in a country western bar, and I would… I'd just wanna be by myself. And I would sit there, and I, I, I don't know why it was, but I got… I always had, uh, easy resentments against cowboys. I just hated cowboys. And this how stupid I was. You go in a country western bar, I'm only Indian in there, and I'm sitting there getting resentments, you know, for cowboys. And so, uh, I got a lot of experiences, um, of getting out of those country western bars and getting stupid, you know, busting them ahead with pool sticks and stuff like that. It was, it was not good. So by then, I, I had learned, um, how to play guitar. I… And I like country and western music and, uh, the ones I liked the most was Hank Williams. And there are a hundred and twenty-nine Hank Williams songs, and I knew all hundred and twenty-nine Hank Williams songs. So I used to take my guitar and my whiskey, and I would go out to that Garden of Gods, and that's where I would drink. And there was this, uh, place you had to kinda walk to get there, but there was this rock you had to crawl up on. And you know how sometimes a tree will grow out of a rock? It was like that. And there was this big pine tree, and it only had about three branches that was alive on it. And then all the rest of that tree was dead. And I felt very connected to that tree because, uh, it was almost dead and, uh, so was I. And so that's where I used to like to go. So I went up there this one particular night, and I had my whiskey and, um, I had my guitar. And I was gonna go up there, and I was gonna sing. And, uh, as I was climbing up on that rock, I slipped, and I come tumbling down that, that rock, and I ended up kinda with my face in the dirt. And my… Somehow my feet was tangled up in something, you know. Like, I couldn't… I was trying to figure out what was going on there. And somewhere this thought came in my mind. It was almost like I had a fast-forward of my life. When I was raised by my grandfather, I was, uh, I was raised in a traditional way. And everything that I thought I would do, I didn't do that. I ended up losing everything that I loved, my children, spouse, everything. You know, it went… And that videotape in my head, it went by, and I just asked the Creator to help me. That's all I said, and it wasn't… I didn't… It just came in my mind to help me to live because I knew I was, I was dying. And, um, I just had a funny feeling, a feeling come over me. And then I don't remember too much more of that. It was just a, a thing. It was like a turning point. It's how the Big Book says. I got at this turning point. And it was, uh, from there that, um, I, um, I went into treatment. And I didn't stay sober when I got out of treatment. I was drunk twenty-four hours after I was out of treatment. So then I decided to come to, to AA. And so I didn't tell nobody I was gonna come to AA. I, I, I knew where the meeting was. I went and found it down on Tejon Street in Colorado Springs. I s- went down there during the day to see where it was. Then that night, I knew it started at eight o'clock. So that night, I went down there on Tejon Street. And, um, it's a place there that cars park diagonal. And so I drove by that door to that AA meeting. And, um, there was one slot right in front of that door. So I said, "I'm gonna drive around the block, and if that spot is still there, then it means I'm gonna go in there." So I drove around that block, and I… And there were people coming to that meeting. You know, it's getting close to meeting time, but they seemed to be parking on the other side of the street. So I, I looked at that and I said, "No, I'm gonna go around this block one more time." "And, uh, if that slot's open, I'll, I'll go in there." So I drove as slow as that old S car would go. I round that block, and I, I come there, and, uh, there it was, still there. So I, I drove in there. And, um, I walked up the stairs to go into the AA meeting. And, um, my first, uh, comment to myself when I went in that meeting, I stood there and I looked, and I said, "Oh, my God. They're all white people are in here," you know? And so, uh, there was a man come there, and he just shook my hand and told me where the coffee pot was. And so I couldn't leave, so I sat there. And, uh, I don't remember a lot from that first AA meeting. Um, it was really a mixed up thing. There were a couple things I really resented out of that first meeting. One was, is how you guys was telling on yourself. "Oh, I'm selfish, and I'm judgment, and I'm self-righteous." And I'm going, "Man, what is the matter with these white people? Why are they saying…" At home, you never would admit no weaknesses. You wouldn't tell nobody nothing, you know? And the second thing that I, uh, really resented was your laughter. There was just laughing, and they say something, and they would laugh and clap their hands. And I, I, I didn't s- I didn't see anything funny about nothing that you guys had said. But when I left there, there was something there. Today, I know what it was: netush neha. That word means the touch of love. It's that… It's a love. It's a feeling of love is what that word means, netush neha. But I didn't know. I mean, I don't think you guys even knew what that was, but you know how to care for that drunk when they walk in here. That's what it was. And so, um, when I came back, when I came to you, um, I had slipped after that and came back, slipped, come back, and you guys kept saying, "Keep coming back." You know, it was so weird. You know, "Keep coming back," and, and you, like you meant it. You know, I went to a meeting drunk, and you still said, "Keep coming back." And it was, uh, it was really new to me to, uh, have that experience. But when I come back that last time, I, I, my family was gone by then. You know, the, the reason I come to AA was alcohol. Alcohol drove me right into your, into your arms. And, um, that last time when I came back, I was willing to do anything. I had no resistance. I didn't care if you were white or what. I only knew you knew something I didn't know, and I, I had no resistance. So I knew one of the things that, uh, I had heard by then was, uh, I needed to get a sponsor. And so, um, I kinda watched around, and I saw this man, and, uh, his name is Big Frank, and I asked him to be my sponsor. And so he said, "Well, we'll talk about it." And, uh, he's about six foot six, I think. He's a very, very big man. Um, he's a real… He's all scarred up. He's, uh, he was hit with an ugly stick very early in his sobriety. And, uh, he was, uh, kind of fearful, but there was something about that man. Why I would ask him, I don't know. There was just that thing about him, so I asked him to, uh, be my sponsor. And so we, uh, after the meeting, we talked, and, uh, he, he had, uh… He was very sarcastic. His nature was to be sarcastic from my point of view. And, uh, he said to me, he said, "You know," he said, uh, "I've been around these rooms," I think it was 18 years or something like that at that time, and he says, he says, "I, I watch you Indians," he said, "all the time." He said, "You sat way in the back row." He said, "That's where you guys always sat." And he said, "You never say nothing." He said, "You don't talk." And he said, uh, "Sometimes you're here a couple of months." He says, "Sometimes not." He said, "You guys are really weird." He said, "This thing don't… I don't think it works for you guys." You know, he says, "Something about you guys are so weird. You, you don't get it when you come in here." And he was, uh, he, he, and, and it's like he was enjoying delivering that message to me, you know? And, uh, I don't know. If you've ever been a little kid, you know, and your parents get you a puppy and, uh, you're little and you tease that puppy. You know how you, you rub it in the face like that until it starts to growl? That's how I felt. He was saying, he was, to me, you know, "You guys don't get it, and you guys don't just…" And I remember I just sat there, and I looked at him just really strong, and I just thought to myself, I thought, "You know, I'll show you, you white son of a bitch. I'll get it. You just, uh, you just…" But he told me some things. He said, uh, he says, "First of all," he says, "I'm gonna tell you some things I'm not." He said, "I ain't your taxi cab. Don't be asking me for a ride." You know, he, he was… You go like that, right? "I ain't your banker. Don't ask me for no money." And he said, "I ain't your motel. Don't be staying around my, my place." And, and, uh, he said, "There is, uh, there is some things I c- I can, uh… I'll tell you what I'll give you." He says, "One is," he, he said and kind of snapped his fingers. He said, "I just decided right now I'm gonna be your friend, whether you like me or not, and there ain't a dang thing that you can do about it." He says, "It's not conditional. I decided for the rest of your life, I'm your friend." And then he said, uh, he said, "There's some other, there's some other things," he said. He said, "I know some things you don't know." He said, like, "I know how to stay sober." And he said, "You brown little son of a bitch, you know nothing about staying sober." You know, it's just like, "Err," you know, just- … rubbing me like that. But then he went on to say, he said… And he took this big book like this, and he said, uh, "This is how much a hundred and sixty-four pages are." And he said, "If you do exactly what's in these hundred and sixty-four pages," he said, "you will never have to drink again." And I, uh, I, I wasn't able to show many emotions. Alls I had in my insides was hate. I was a very hateful, angry person. But some of you will know if somebody tells you, "If you do this, you will never have to drink again." He said, "This program, AA, is not about slipping." He said, "If you follow the instructions, no matter what, you will never have to drink again." And, um, it made like a lump in my throat. I never heard anybody say that you never have to… You, you will never have to drink again. So then he, he, uh, decided, uh, that we could work together, and the way he did that, he said, "We work together 'cause we want to work together." He said, "You don't have to work with me. I don't have to work with you either." He said, "Supposing I just part my hair different, you don't like it. Quit." He said, "Don't even tell me." "We do it 'cause we want to do it together." That's how he, he set it up. And so he took a schedule, uh, meetings, and, um, he circled six meetings that I was to attend. The seventh I could choose whatever meeting I wanted to go to, but six of them he chose. A traditions meeting, big book study, 12-step. There were six of them that he chose and he said, "I want you to go to these meetings." And he said, "When you get there and they start the meeting, you say your name's Don, and you're an alcoholic." And he said, "That's all you're to say." He said, "You got nothing nobody wants. You got nothing to offer." He says, "So just shut up. Just say your name's Don, you're a alcoholic. That's it." He said, "Don't talk 'til after through the third step," then he said, "we'll consider maybe letting your lips move." So I went there, and, uh, I did exactly that. And, um, I remember I saw… In about six months I was going to these meetings, and, uh, I went to this one meeting, and, uh, this Indian woman walked in there. And she was a, she was a fine-looking Indian woman to me, and she sat down across that table, and she looked at me like that. Nay Tash Neha was very, very strong, you know? I think, I think at home we call that snagging, right? That's… We have a word for that too. And so I kinda looked around to either side to see if it might have been somebody behind me, but it wasn't. She was fixed right on myself, and I got thinking, you know, um, I am not gonna make much progress here if I just say my name's Don, I'm an alcoholic. I said, "You gotta at least quote the book or something. You know, you gotta say page eighty-six or whatever." Four forty-nine, you know, so- I started to share a little bit, and, uh, boy, when I quote that book, that Indian woman had the biggest smile on her face. You know, I could tell I was really making progress. And so, uh, it worked. We went for a cup of coffee, you know, afterwards, and I was really feeling good when I come back home. I had a very small apartment in Denver then by then I'd moved there. And I walked in the door and, you know, it was like a, I guess like a teenager or something, where you're going, "Yes!" You know, you're all by yourself or whatever, you know, giving the signs, you know. So the phone rings, you know, and I, I was so happy. I pick up the phone, and I go, "Hello." I, I thought maybe it was her, but you know who it was? Big Frank. That's who it was. "You little son of a bitch. What are you doing talking? I heard your lips was moving," you know. The sponsors are like the Internet, you know. They're everywhere. They find out everything. So then what he had told me was that in this big book here, that there was, uh, instructions in there. Now, I had read that big book before, and, uh, my honest point of view, the first time I read it, that was the most boring book that I ever read in my whole life. And I didn't see no instructions in this big book anywhere. But then he started to show me and, uh, what he said was, um, he showed me these 12 proposals, and he said, "There's two questions." "Before we start," he said, "there's two questions for you to ask with each of these 12 steps. One question is, 'Do you wanna do step one?' Do you want to do the step? And a second question I was to answer is, 'Are you willing to go to any length to do that step?'" And I was to answer those two questions for each of those 12 proposals. And, uh, he said to me, he said, "One, one of the reasons for that is," he says, "you know, you don't have to work steps to stay sober." It was his opinion half the AAs stayed sober, and they didn't work steps. He said they talk about it, but they never really worked that. And I remember I was sitting in his kitchen and, um, you know, he, he, he was cooking some lunch and, um, um, he was, um, he knew I liked peanut butter, so just make like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or whatever. And, um, so as he was making it, you know, and he give it to me, and he's talking about AA, and he said, he said, "AA is like a banquet." He said, "Uh, up on one end you got, like, lobster and steak," and then he said, "Further on down, you know, you got, like, meatloaf, and then, you know, further on down you got, you know, grilled cheese." And he said, "You can even have peanut butter sobriety if you want." Uh- Here I'm sitting here, I'm, you know- -eating this peanut butter sandwich and, um, you know, and then, you know, it's like always rubbing your face and… Then I, I… Sometimes we go to a meeting together. You know how it's like your sponsor will sit there, and they try to get your attention. They're trying to connect like that, and you, you're, you know, just doing everything not- -not to look at them. You know, they're trying to hook you with that Nay Tash Neha, you know, how they do. So finally, you know, I'd look at him, and he'd look at me, and he'd go . He'd make that noise, you know, like there's peanut butter was in my mouth. But then as we got more into this big book, he showed me the first 43 pages had to do with step one, and, uh, it was, uh, his requirement that I read that 25 times. I had to read those 43 pages, he said, "Because your mind," he says, "doesn't maintain very, very much." And when I went to a meeting, no matter what meeting I went to, I always had to look at it from the point of view of step one. If it was a 11-step meeting, I had to be from the point of view of step one. And he went on to tell me, he said, "The only problem you got now in the world is the step you're on." He said, "There's, there's no other problems, just working the step that you're on." And so as we continued to do that, then he showed me on page 52 in the big book where the instructions were for the unmanageability, and he called it the unmanageability paragraph. And in that paragraph it says something to the effect: We were having problems with personal relationships. We couldn't control our emotional nature. We were full of fear. We couldn't make a living. And he had me take that sentence and flip it into a question, and I had to look at personal relationships. Not what they were doing, but how was I acting in those personal relationships? So I had to look at my spouse. How was I handling that? Attacking her, running, shutting down. So I had to look at my part into it, and as I looked at relationship after relationship after relationship, I went, "My God." That's all I knew is I attacked, made fun of them, put them down, manipulated, run, left, go away. In every area of my life, that was the only s- uh, I, I guess buying more time is what I thought was successful or hiding it more or whatever, and I found out I didn't know anything. And so each of those nine areas, I was to look at that in terms of the unmanageability. And so I took that work back to him, and then he showed me the instructions for step two, chapter two, We Agnostics, and I had to read that twenty-five times. Then he had me take those nine areas from step one, and by the time I got done, is came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. He had me make nine visions from each of those areas in step two. So, uh, once I looked at the unmanageability of my personal relationships in step one, then I had to make a vision of what would it look like if we were working. If a relationship could be effective and there was a higher power, what could that power– how would that power make me be in relationships? And I had to draw nine areas in step two. And when I got that done, I took that back to him, and he told me, "That vision that you created in step two will be your having had a spiritual awakening in step 12." He said, "And that's all you get. Whatever is in that vision, then this is what will happen to you. So if you're wondering what that spiritual awakening will be like," he said, "it's with the work that you did in step two." And so I was just willing to do whatever he said. When he said, "Do this," I just did it, and I went to those meetings. A-And it was just– it, it was awesome to me how much you knew and how much I didn't know. It's like I knew nothing, but you knew everything. That was of value to me where I was at that time. So then he showed me the instructions for s- for step three, made a decision to turn our will and our lives over. And the way he looked at that is, uh, when you got to that part, you know, we were now at step three, that every sentence was an instruction. It wasn't just something you read. So when it said our life was run on self-propulsion, when we went through that third step, he would read that and he'd say, "Now, give me some examples. Is your life that way? Are you the actor? What's your examples of acting? Are you s-" And he went through that whole thing, and that's how I was to take that third step. And I had some fears on that third step. I think because, uh, all– I guess we all come in here sometimes with different perceptions of the– of God or the Creator. My early beliefs in God came from mission school that was on the reservations. And, uh, you know, some of you understand this, but, like, we had one church on the reservation and, um, they always had, like, food that you could get, and they always gave you clothes and stuff, but you always had to go for the sermon first. They wouldn't give them to you b-because you had to go for the pitch, whatever, you know? And so one year, the, the, the Pentecostals would– they would be in there at this church. So we all go to that church, and then you had to learn how to, you know, you had to go like this. And then, and then pretty soon, you g- you know, get your clothes and get the food and everything, and zip, they'd run out of money, and then the Catholics would come in there. And so then the Catholics, you know, they don't do that. They, they do a different thing. So we all had to learn how to- -do those things. Then you get the food, and then you get… And, and, uh, even, you know, like in mission school, you know, when you're a little kid, a nun is very huge. They're very, very big. You know, when you're really small like that, and you– they're, whoa, they're, they're… Y-y-you know, and they, they would be talking to you, and, uh, they'd talk about heaven and hell and, you know, y-you don't wanna go to hell, you know? You know, and they would say, like, "You ever been burnt?" I say, "Yeah, burn-" "When you get to hell, your whole body is gonna burn. You're just full of blisters," they'd go. You know, and the little kid just sitting there going, "Holy shit," you know. "Has you ever been thirsty? Well, there ain't no water in hell." "So what you're gonna have is a blistered body and there ain't no water, and it's forever. Now, you wanna see God?" And you go, "You bet I do," you know? "You bet I do." And so in a way, you didn't see God because of God, you, you had the flames of hell licking your ass, you know? Boy, I better, I better see God. And so then I come to you, and you want me to turn my life over to this thing, you know? And I'm going, "Boy, I don't know," you know? I'm not so sure. But I was at a meeting one time, and I, I heard this guy tell his story. And sometimes the stories, I, I guess because, you know, the elders, they tell stories, and then there's like a meaning to them, and maybe I was raised that way. So a lot of things that, that, uh, like the stories that you tell, they really help me a lot because I can relate to that. But this guy told a story ab-about, uh, third step. It was a third step meeting, and, uh, he said there was this, um, pond. And he said there was four frogs sitting in that, on a log in that pond. Then he said one of those frogs made a decision to jump in the water. And he said, "Now, how many frogs is left on that log?" I said, "Three." He said, "No." He says, "There's four." He said that frog, it was just sitting there making that decision to jump, and he said, "When you make this decision to turn your life over to the Creator like that frog would do it, then God makes that into a orange frog." Three green frogs. The frog that made the decision now becomes an orange frog. 'Cause I used to get mixed up in AA, you know. They say, "Well, I turned my life over, and then I took it back. And I turned it over, took it back. Turned it over, turned it over, took it back. Turned it over, took it back." And then, you know, and I was going, "Whoa." But the way he said it was, he said, like, "Once you become a orange frog," he said, "that's it." Supposing you turn your life over to the Creator on Friday, and then Sunday you get pissed off at somebody. He said, "You're just a pissed-off orange frog." And he said, "And suppose Thursday, you know, it don't get any better and you go get drunk." He said, "Then you're a drunk orange frog." And to me, I went, "Duh." What this thing is asking is do I want to be a orange frog? So I went to Frank and, uh, I said, "I'm ready to take that third step." So then me and that old man, we… He went through that line by line, through all the instructions in the big book, made me relate my experience to it. And so then, uh, we got on our knees and held hands, and then he read that third step prayer, and then I read that third step prayer. And so when that was done, I, I said, "Well, now what?" And he reached behind his chair and he pulled out a yellow legal paper a ruler, and a pencil. And by the time I left there, he had showed me how to write a five-column inventory. The person's name in the first column, what they did in the second column. The third column, there was seven things I was to consider for third column: self-esteem, ambitions, et cetera. And then in the fourth column, I was to write the defects of character. And in the fifth column, I was to put the name if I owed any amends, that I had hurt somebody. Four-column fear inventory and 11-column sex inventory, and he showed me how to do that. And so I started to write that inventory. In the first inventory I wrote, um, he said, "You write a prayer on the top of each page." God help me to be… God help me to remember, God help me to be honest, and God give me courage to do this inventory. So I had to write that prayer on the top of every page. And as I wrote that, I was writing this inventory, and one of the things that came up for me was… It was a secret that no one knew, and it was my sexual abuse. I was abused by a uncle when I was nine, 10, and 11. Weekly, weekends, all sorts of things went on there. Nobody ever knew. He would come over to the house, you know, to get me to go and help them do this garden, and I would r- I was a little kid. I'd run in bed, cover up, pretend I was sick, and my mother say, "You lazy little thing, you get out there. You gotta, you gotta work." And so I knew what was gonna happen out there. And then, uh, what happened next, there was a big party on the reservation one night, and a wild party, and, uh, somebody shot him six times right in the chest. And that morning I heard that he was dead. I was happy. I was so happy that that man was gone. But it was my mother's most favorite brother. Of all her brothers, 16 brothers and sisters in her family, and that was her favorite, and she never was the same. And when I saw how sad she was and how happy I was, you know, then you get to those feelings, and I kept that for a secret for a long, long, long time. Something I didn't want anybody to know that that happened because it, uh… You know, when you grow up with that, then it looks like you don't, you don't talk, you don't trust, you don't feel. That's how it seems. Even in relationships, I w- I could not be successful in relationships. You know, they'd say, "You're a wall builder." I'm not either. How about your own damn walls? You know, whatever. But I had a way of keeping distance, and I used to really mix people up, you know. I'd say, "Come on. Come, come, come." "No, no, no, no, no." "Come on." "No, no." I really mixed people up because I… You know, driving them nuts. And, um, so I wrote that inventory, in the fear inventory and the sex inventory. And when I got that done, one of the things they, uh, really made me sure, I, I had to tell everything, the dark crannies. That you gotta tell everything. If you don't, you drink. And so, um, I wrote that inventory, but I didn't exactly follow instructions. I did all the column inventory, but that sex stuff I put it on another piece of paper, and I didn't include it in the book. And so, uh, this one particular Friday night, uh, my inventory had been done about a week, and I knew it was good. I knew everything was on there. And so, uh, that afternoon I started to get that feeling. You know, that one like your wrists get nervous and your ankles go like that, and you start thinking about, uh, "I'm gonna go down to the bar, buy a pack of cigarettes, and maybe I'll have a Pepsi while I'm there." And I knew what the deal was. I was headed for that bar, and I could feel it getting stronger and stronger and stronger, and I knew I either had to fifth step or drink. That's what I knew. It, it was that moment again. Alcohol driving me to see what decision would I make. So I call up, uh, Frank, and they're just taking him to the hospital. And I went, "Oh, no." So there's this another guy in AA. I call him and, uh, he d- he wasn't home. So there was this third one. I call him, and I didn't know him really well. I had heard him in meetings a couple times. You know, it's kind of hard, like, you're first one to Call somebody that's a stranger and say, "I need– I wanna do a fifth step." It's hard to do that, hard for me anyway. So I was kinda making a conversation on the phone. Finally, he said, he said, "Do you need to do a fifth step?" And I went, "Man, yeah, I d- I really need to do a fifth step." He said, "I'll put the coffee on." So I went over there, and we drank coffee, and I had my little notebook, and I read everything, you know, to him. And he says, "Is that it?" I says, "Well, that's it." I said, "That wasn't, that wasn't just too bad." And he said, "I'm gonna make us another pot of coffee." And so, uh, as he's making that coffee, he started telling me s-some of the stuff that he fifth stepped, and I'm telling you, it was juicy stuff that he told me- -that he did, you know. And so then, uh, I mean, it was sick. That guy was really sick. So then, uh, as he poured us a cup of coffee, I said, "You know, I, I do have a little bit more that I would like to read to you." So I pulled it out of my pocket, and I can remember I was thinking to myself, you know, I said, "Okay, I'll read this, but you tell on me, son of a bitch, I'll tell on you too because you're really sick." But see, I, uh, I didn't know he had freedom. He had the freedom to do that. I didn't know that. You know, I thought it was something else. And so I started to read what was in there, and it was really hard. And he would just put his hand on my shoulders, and he'd say, "Just read another one. Just do one more." And I would read that, and I would choke up, and sometimes I would– my stomach. I couldn't believe that I was telling to the Creator and myself and to this man what I had written on that paper. Just one more. Just one more. Even his eyes would water. You know, he was… That connectedness, nitashniha, he was right there with me, and I could tell it. He wasn't joking. He knew what had to be done. And I got through that. I got through all that dark, cranny stuff. And so he then showed me in the big book how to do a review. I was to review the five proposals when I got back home. So he said, "I'll stay by the telephone. If there's something there," he said, "that you need to, uh, tell me," he said, "I'll be right here." So I went through and done that, and then he showed me the promises of fifth step. And he said, uh, "The odd steps in the– The odd steps have the promises, but they're not free. There's a condition you gotta meet. Withholding nothing, then you get it. Withhold something, you don't." Every set of promises has a condition to it. And so it was there that I started to read those promises. You can look the world in the eye. You can be at peace. And I had read that before, but it was way different when I started to read that. It was just like a light come on. And I got out of there, and, um, and, uh, and I started to, uh… I, I was different. And you know, one of the things happened, like the freedom of the sexual abuse. Um, I was getting feelings, and I didn't know what they were. It, it's hard. If you've never had… It's weird because you're thinking what happy feelings are, sad, compassion, understanding. I didn't know what those feelings were. And I was really close to my sister, you know, at that time. And so I, I, I… She lived in Denver. So I went up to her, and I would say, I would try to describe this feeling. And it, you know, y- it's like you stutter. And, and she'd say, she'd say, "What that feeling is, it means you care." She says, "That's how it feels to care." I did things for people. I thought… I didn't know it was a feeling. I didn't know that when you are sad, and you have a lump in your throat, that I could get a lump in my throat. That's that connectedness. I never knew it was that way. And it– Then that's what's… People thought I was on drugs. I, I mean, all of a sudden, I, I could hug, and, uh, you know, I couldn't touch before that. It was really weird. Touch was… You know, first time I held hands with you guys, I just about vomited. Holding hands with a guy? Jesus, I couldn't. You know, it was just the weirdest thing. You know, we didn't, we didn't do that stuff, at least the circles I hung around in. You know, it's, it was like learning to be a human being maybe for the first time. And so then I got into, uh, my step six and seven, the character defects. And that thing really confused me for a while because every time I would turn those defects over, what would happen is everything would turn to shit. And so I said, "It can't be working." You know, and so I'd, uh, go and do some other stuff, and I'd try to turn them over, and it's like things got worse. So I thought I was really doing something wrong. Until I was in a meeting one time, and I heard this guy tell a story about step six and seven, and he said, "Supposing that you're baking a cake, and, uh, so you get the stove, turn it on three fifty, and then you put the flour, sugar, you know, whatever to bake it. You stir it, you know, and you get it ready." And he says, "When a cake is ready to be cooked," he says, "you open up the oven," and he said, "you put it in, and you close the door. And then the cake will be baked by the stove." And he said, "What you gotta do is," he says, "when you come to step six and seven, you gotta put those in the oven and let God bake you." He says, "What, what you're doing is you put it in there, and you, you wait like that, and you go, 'Well, how's it going?'" He said, "Close the door back up." "Wait, wait, wait, wait. How's it going?" See? Close it back up. He said, "Just put them in there and let God bake you." And I went, "Duh." You know, and that's what I learned to do. I just turned those over. It didn't matter what was going on. I said, "I'm not gonna inspect that no more. I will let God bake me." And so I was from there. I went to that fifth column from the resentment inventory and a column from the sex inventory, and I had my list for amends, and I had a lot of amends to make, some tough amends. One amend, uh, financial amend, it took me eight years to pay it, monthly payments. I go cut a deal. 'Cause I thought how the amends work, I thought you didn't get the freedom until you paid the debt, but the freedom is making the arrangements and then making your word good. If you say you're gonna pay every month for eight years, pay it. The freedom's not in when it's done. 'Cause it w- it was then I could look that man in the eye when I was making the payments to do the thing that I said I would do. And so I went, uh, I went ahead and I made my amends. My sponsor was very adamant that the amends are made in person, not over the phone, not by mail. Your first pass is to make them in person. And some of them I, I couldn't find because I had done some traveling. Do you know the telephone company in Denver, Colorado, in the basement, they have a phone book of every phone book, I think, in the United States? And he would send me down there trying to find a list of the people so I could make these darn amends. So I went ahead and I did that. And then it was, uh, that that got me to steps ten and eleven. The first eighteen months that I did ten and eleven, I would just read it out of the book. Then I walked, I, I, I started working- the man named Johnny Looking Cloud, and here's one. He says, "You don't read a sentence," he said, "when it says, you think about the 24 hours ahead." That's what you're supposed to do: think about the 24 hours ahead. And when it says, you ask the Creator to divorce this day from self-pity, dishonesty, and self-seeking motives, it's a prayer. Creator, remove this day. I was just reading it, thinking I was doing it. And so eventually, I started to get some balance in steps 10 and 11, and, um, um, went to meetings on 10 and 11 and started to grow in effectiveness on those steps. And I was, uh, instructed to go through a set of steps every year. Not everyone has to do that, but that's how I was sponsored. And so each year, I don't go back to step one as I go forward to step one. And the way Johnny Looking Cloud told me, he said that… He said, "When, uh…" He said, "I watched you when you come in." He said, "You were in darkness," and he said, "this little beam of light come on your head. And then pretty soon that little beam of light started to grow." And he said, "You got a circle of light around you, and that's when you start to get a little clarity, got some room to, to move and make choice and decisions. But on the outside of that circle is the darkness," and he called it the mystery. And he said, "So when you do another set of steps, you go forward to it, to step into the mystery to see will the magic work again. Will it work again, stepping out into that, into the un- the unknown?" That's what, uh, our Indian word for the Creator is, called the Mystery, the Great Mystery. And so, uh, I do that every year. I have not, um, missed. Every year I go through a, through a set of steps. When I was four years sober, I was really doing a lot of work in, uh, in that, and all of a sudden everything started to turn to crap. I go to meetings, and meetings would just suck. And I call up my sponsor, and he was really stupid. And I read the big book, and there was nothing more in there to learn, you know? And I was just, uh… It, it started to fall apart. And, uh, I knew I was in danger. I couldn't grasp. I couldn't pray. Praying, 11th step, ah, you know. You c- you know, how many days in a row can you consider in the morning and, and plan your day and ask for this and… You know, I just couldn't. I didn't wanna grow. I was tired. You know, I just, just everything was, just sucked. So I went up to see Johnny Looking Cloud, and he was in the program sober a long, long, long time, but he was also very active with the culture. He didn't see, uh, AA as separate. It was only one. It was one spiritual program. So I went up, and I was telling him, I says, "I'm losing it," and I just was explaining to him. So he said, uh, "How long are, have you been sober exactly?" I told him. And he used to whittle on, uh, wood when I would go there and, uh… So he's whittling and he says, "Oh," he said, "you're, you're right on schedule." And you're, you know, that, that's the last thing you wanna hear, you know, like, uh- Uh, let go and let God. You let go and let God. I'm in crisis, you know. God doesn't give you more than you can handle. God does give you more than you can handle. That's why, you know, you, you panic. That's how it seemed to me. But then he said, "Everything travels in circles or cycles." Seasons, spring, summer, fall, winter. The moon goes around. So he started to bring into this the culture, and he started to show me that when you come into the program and you catch this halt, usually for many of us, how? We don't know that, but it's, uh, it's started by grace. That's how it was for me. I think I got my recovery going not because of my efforts. I think there were three forces. One is I had divine inter- intervention from the Creator. The second was the woman I was married to at that time went to Al-Anon. And I remember the weekend she got Al-Anon 'cause my damn life changed, I'm telling you. Whew. It was really something. That brainwashing on her worked or whatever they did. But she took no more crap from me. She wasn't arguing. She, uh, wasn't covering for me. Uh, my life changed. And I think it was the pray- there were prayers of my family. My relatives prayed, and they had ceremonies, and those things were done. That's how I think 'cause I wa- wasn't no effort of my own. So he told me, he said, "The first year is like you bud, and then the second year those buds unfold. So now it's like a tree. You kinda know who you are. Then the third year is that, like, like the f- the harvest time, and you got the fruits, harvests, nuts." And just like a oak tree would be standing out there the third year and you got fruits and yellow leaves and foliage, and people are taking your pictures, and it's, it's like you can do no wrong, you know, when you're in that fall season. You know, you still get flat tires but right in front of the gas station, you know? It just- There's a flow to it. And you say, "I'm in the groove." Now, just like that oak tree is standing out there, you know, and then all of a sudden it comes into the winter season, and all of a sudden temperature changes a little bit, gust of wind comes along, a few of the leaves fall off. And the tree's being positive. "I'm a step worker. I go to meetings." And then temperature changes a little bit, a gust of wind comes along, pshh, about half the leaves go away. Now, you still try to be positive, you know. The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh, and I am abundance thinker, and I do affirmations, and, uh- I sponsor people and all that. But inside there's this feeling, and inside, even though you're saying all of that, inside this little voice is going, "Shit." See? Yeah. 'Cause that tree knows it's losing all of its leaves. And so when a tree doesn't have its leaves, it's no longer… It's lost, 'cause it's supposed to be making oxygen and doing that. So Johnny Looking Cloud said, "Every four years there's three questions you can't answer. One is why am I?" So you lose your purpose, and you, you go around and say, "I don't know who I am anymore." You know. And then who am I? Identity. And then the third is direction. And so what happens, reflection. You start getting very, very reflective. He said a lot of people slip during that third to fourth year. And then it happens again seven to eight, and again 11 to 12, and again 15 to 16. And it's not that you're doing something wrong. He said even our relationships, two people come together, every four years our relationship will go through, like, a little struggle. Four years, seven to eight, 'cause that's how it is. Everything travels in circles or cycles. So he taught me how three years you do steps to kinda… In a certain way. But the fourth year, you work the set of steps to give up everything. Gotta give up your clarity, your power, give up meetings, the book, the steps. He said because you end up making them little pocket gods, and you don't know it. So you get in a little trouble, "Gotta call my sponsor. My sponsor saves my ass." He said, "Not really. Only the Creator saves your ass." "Oh, I gotta go to a meeting. Meetings save my ass." Not really. So you create these little pocket gods, so you go somewhere else instead of going to the Creator. So he said you gotta give up everything except trust in God. Gotta let everything go during that fourth year. And then you come out, and you bud, and you go on to that next part. I'll just close with two things. One was, um, I took these 12 steps to a group of elders when I was about seven to eight years sober, I think. And i-in my own arrogance, or whatever it was, uh, the elders were in a circle, and I said, "I come here to, uh, to get your advice on something." And I said, "I have this white man's program." I said, "They call it the 12 steps," and I was explaining about the white man's program. By then I started to come back to the culture, so I was trying to fit the culture in, so it was, like, two different programs. So they asked, they said, uh, "We don't understand this 12 steps." So I said, "Well, I'll explain them to you the best that I can." And so I went through a overview with them of those 12 steps, and when we got done they said, "Oh, that's not a white man's program." They said, "That's, uh, that's how we do it. That's a real old traditional way." And it was called natural order, that when you are out of harmony, there's certain steps, like a plant, like a flower. It's gotta be a stem, then the leaves, then the bulb, then the flower. There's a order to things. And he said when a human being goes out of harmony with the principle laws and values of the earth, the Mother Earth, there is a order that you come back to find the harmony again. They said, "The only thing that we would do is we would put those steps in a, in a circle." So they had us draw a circle, and we put three steps in the east, like where the sun comes up. And they said, "That's the four… Of the four directions, that's where you find your relationship with the Creator, the higher power, new day, new beginning." Then steps four, five, and six is in the south, the inventory steps. That's where you find yourself, your strength and your weaknesses. Steps seven, eight, and nine in the west, like the sunset. That's the forgiveness, where you start to establish your relationship with all of those that you hurt. You put yourself back to the clan, back to the people, so you build your relationships with others. Then 10, 11, 12 in the north, that's the elders' wisdom, that wisdom to maintain in that day. And so we found out then it started to make sense because I think inside of us, we… The way that we're taught is to think circles or cycles, and we started to do that. And then later on they showed us how to do a ceremony with each of the 12 steps in the traditional way. Today before I go through a set of 12 steps, I do a staking ceremony. It's an old ceremony about commitment. Step three we take with the sacred pipe, with that chanunpa, to smoke that pipe. Step five is in the sweat lodge. They taught us in steps six and seven to make a tobacco tie with your character defect. The kinnikinnick, the tobacco, you put it in a tobacco tie, and then you tie it on there for each of the character defects. Then you go back into the sweat lodge, and you have them come sing those songs, the old songs. And you sit in there, and those hot rocks are going for those of you who know what that is. And when they start to pray, you take that first tobacco tie, and you ask the Creator to take it, and you put it on those hot rocks. And then they sing those songs, and you wait. And then the grandf- We call those hot rocks the grandfathers. And all of a sudden that tobacco tie will burst into flames when the Creator takes it, and you put another one. You can't wait. And another, and another, and another, and another. And you just feel this relationship between you and, and the Creator when you come out of there because, uh, I, I think it's that simple. You just ask, and He does, He does it that way. And so it's just been that, it's been that kind of a journey for me. Today, um, so many things have, uh, sort of have happened. I was made the keeper of that sacred hoop. It was right after the White Buffalo Calf was born in Janesville, Wisconsin, and they called me up there After that ceremony was done and they asked me to keep this hoop of a hundred eagle feathers. And I stopped the ceremony. I told them I, I, I can't do that. I, I said, "I, I don't feel… I, no, I can't do it." I said, "I'm really just a drunk, you know?" I said, "I'm just trying to keep my rez car going. I'm trying to build my family back up," you know? And then they told me, they said, "No, you're ready, that you're ready to do that." And I was given that honor of, uh… The mending of a hoop was talked about sixteen generations ago, and an old drunk like me was asked, was given that accountability to carry that hoop. And then I took that hoop on four journeys, and they said that wherever that hoop goes, our Native communities will start to go into healing, that we start to heal from alcohol. And so we made four journeys. One to all the tribal colleges. The next year, the elders instructed us to take the hoop to Los Angeles, and we had to run from Los Angeles to Washington, D.C. Twenty-five of us that was sober was the core group, and we ran for four thousand two hundred and ninety-four miles in a hundred and nine days to make that journey, stopping into communities. And we started to talk about, into our communities about getting sober. It's something we call a wellbriety movement. Not sobriety, wellbriety. 'Cause see, if you're, uh… S-sober is not everything. If you're a jerk and you're drinking and you just quit drinking Right? So there's a little bit more to it, and we know that when we come in here, it's about learning to live and to learn about life and learn to be respectful to women and how to get along and all of that. And then, uh, we eventually were to take that with those, uh, steps in a circle. We now call them the medicinal and twelve steps, and we have almost, uh, a little under five hundred groups going on in the communities. AA is get- we're getting sober, and we're seeing Indians are showing up here. Watch next year it'll be three tables. Next year, four tables. Our communities are recovering. Fool's Crow said one time, "The two greatest enemies we have as Native people," he said, "the number one enemy is alcohol. The number two enemy is jealousy." But on these hoop journeys, what we found is, uh, there's thousands of us are sober in our Native communities. Not a dozen, not a couple. There's thousands of us are sober, and thanks to those of you who took that time to take, carry that message to our communities. Thank you for going out there, 'cause sometimes it was hard. Maybe you wasn't accepted right away. Maybe they wasn't. I've attended… There's a Seven Clans AA group in, uh, with the Senecas that's twenty-seven years old. The group in Oneida where we went, where we met up there, fifty years old that group is, and it's, it's getting bigger. So sometimes you may not see your work just here 'cause maybe we don't come here, but AA is alive and well in, in our Indian communities. They just had a national Indian AA convention in Minneapolis, you know? It's working, you know, in our country too. So I guess I'll just close with this. I, I, I look at these twelve steps as being sacred. That's why I look at them as being sacred. If it would not disrupt meetings when they w- are read, I would stand up out of respect. But, you know, you can't do that 'cause people think you're weird. But that's how I feel. I, my body wants to stand up because they're so powerful. They're so powerful that you can take the things that we have done, and there's something that exists if we do it in order with instructions and are really clear, that we can transform and t- return ourselves into things beyond you could ever imagine. You wouldn't think… A-a-and it, and it works. You know, I, I, I watch it work, you know, all the time. I would say if, uh, I were to pick the worst thing in those drinking years, a lot of bad things, but if I had to pick the worst thing for me, would be the loneliness. That freaking loneliness, and what you do, it's like a hole that you have, and you try to fill it, and you can't. Y-you can't sleep with anybody to fill it up. You can't go somewhere to fill it up. It's just there. Then what I found out what that hole was, was I was missing my relationship with the Creator, and you are the ones that taught me that. They say, "What you were looking for is what your grandpa was telling you all along, this relationship with your Creator." If I were to pick the best thing that I have in, uh, this so far, it would be the relationship that I have with, uh, with the Creator as I understand Him. I have no fear of the will of God. I actually don't have much fear. I don't walk around and say, "I'm afraid, I'm afraid." I don't do that. I'll, I'll be thinking a little bit different flying on an airplane now, like, uh, If that thing gets a little bumpy, maybe Maybe it wasn't turbulence. Maybe it was one of those darn pilots. 'Cause sometimes you'll be flying, and it just leans like that for no reason. You ever notice that? Then it comes back up. So… Yeah. But it is that relationship. It's very practical. I've learned that it's not separate from my culture. It's the same as my culture, not two programs. I can use ceremonies. I can smudge. I can do whatever I want. So I just, uh, say this as, um… One time I went back to my reservation. I was drinking there, and I was doing some awful stuff up there, and, uh, I was taken to the border by some of my relatives, and they said, "You're no good." They said, "You get out of here. Don't you ever come back. We don't want you here. You're, you're embarrassing." And, uh, and I left there. And could you imagine it was some time later, but I came to you, and what you told me was, "Keep coming back." Wow. See? I, I think if I had to choose, if s- if the Creator came down and said, "You either choose your tribe or AA," I had to make that choice, I would choose you. You are my tribe because you said, "Keep coming back." It's here that I feel
