Thank you. My name is Bill Corbin, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Bill. This is kinda new for me, using these things, because the longer I'm sober, the more light-headed I get, and, uh, this gives me a little direction, hopefully, that my talk will follow some kind of pattern. Uh. I like, um, the idea of knowing for me what it means when I say that I'm an alcoholic, and what that means is that I do, um, attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings on a regular basis. I have a sponsor. I work the steps on an ongoing basis, and I in turn sponsor people, and I try to the best of my ability to live the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous in all my affairs. Uh, I have mixed feelings about being here. One, gratitude that I'm sober, and you invited me. Um, I'll be really grateful an hour from now. Um, uh, I've had the opportunity as, as we've traveled a little bit to make AA meetings in other parts of the country, and, um, I just feel so grateful that I know who I am and where I belong, and that when I'm with you, I am home, and you make me feel welcome. And it's the first place I can remember coming to and feel unconditional love and acceptance. No matter what I had done or how bad a person I thought I was, you accepted me and loved me and let me stay here, and I'm really grateful for that. Um, and I felt that wherever we've gone to meetings. Uh. The, the bigger picture of that is that I also came here just to stop the pain. I just didn't wanna– I couldn't handle the pain anymore of, of my alcoholism, and I've been given so many more gifts than just to have the pain gone. And, and one of them is a meaning and purpose for living the rest of my life. Uh, no matter what I'm doing business-wise or, uh, relationship-wise, uh, for the rest of my life, I have a meaning and purpose for living, and that's to the best of my ability to carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous to the still suffering alcoholic. And there's people that spend all their lives looking for a purpose, and I feel just grateful to have the purpose that was given as a gift of this program. Um, I didn't know what alcoholism was. I knew my dad was an alcoholic growing up. Um, and, uh, I, I had the privilege of vi-visiting with Blanche in April in– at her home in Texas, and she gave me a, a tape of one of her favorite speakers. And on the tape, this fella talks about making a presentation with a French Canadian who was also in the program to a group of non-alcoholics. And the French Canadian, he said it's the best definition of alcoholism that he's heard, and I'd like to share that with you. He said, uh, "Alcoholism, she has three phases. Phase one: fun. This is when you are having fun. Phase two: fun and problems. This is when you are having fun and having problems. Phase three: problems." That's the definition of my drinking and my alcoholism. Uh, I grew up in an alcoholic home. My dad got sober, dry when I was sixteen. I remember mixed feelings, some happiness in my childhood. Uh, and then I remember the pain of having a dad that wasn't there and, uh, what that felt like. And I said then that I would never do what my dad did. I would never become like he was. And, uh… I took my first drink– Many AAs say they don't forget their first drink. I, I'm not sure if I remember my first drink, but it was fifteen or sixteen. Um, I don't recall much about it. Uh, I remember w-we were– I was born and raised in Connecticut and going to, uh, New York State. There was a place called Put– in Putnam Lake called Jimmy's, and if you were tall enough to reach up and put your money on the bar, they served you. And, uh, they used to sell Schaefer beer by the quarts for fifty cents. And, uh, I remember going there and liking that place and liking that feeling and liking how I felt when I drank there. Um, alcohol was my friend for a very long time. It enabled me to do things that I was unable to do. Um, Sally talked about being the life of the party. I never could do that sober. I had to do that drunk or drinking. Um, I didn't get in a lot of trouble with my drinking until we moved to Colorado. So prior to that time, uh, you know, I brought a lot of my stuff that I grew up with as a kid into my disease. You know, I, I had it as, as a child of an alcoholic. And the thing where I felt I didn't fit, I was always the tallest and skinniest, no matter where I was, kindergarten, first grade, all the way through school. And I felt that I– You know, I was a late bloomer, and I just felt that I didn't fit from that standpoint. I was always physically afraid of violence and would do whatever it took to get out of being in a fight or in a contact sport. Uh, and so with good alcoholic thinking, I joined the Marine Corps. Uh, and I did that for two reasons. One… Well, three reasons, actually. Uh, my friend Tony, um, we went out one day to decide we were gonna join the service. So Navy guy was gone, the Army recruiter was out of town- … the Air Force guy was giving a talk, and we walked down the downstairs in the post office around the corner. We saw this guy in his dress blues, you know, and we just signed up. Um, there were two other reasons. You know, we could have gone back to the other place. One, I wanted to learn how to be tough, you know? And I, I– all my life I hung out with tough guys because I wanted to be like them. Uh, and the other reason was I wanted to go in there, get out of boot camp, come home and kick my dad's butt. And I was terrified of him, so that's how I was gonna do that. Um, so I made it through boot camp, and I, I don't know how, but I did. Uh, and it, it did something for me. You know, I, I wouldn't want my son to do it, but, uh, it, it gave me something that I hadn't had up to that time, was a confidence in myself that I did make it through, and it changed my relationship with my dad, too. Uh, he didn't change. I changed, and then it, it– our relationship got better. Uh, Sally and I started dating when I was in the service. Um, I got out of the service. I, I spent, uh, 13 months in Vietnam, and when I was drunk I used to tell marvelous Marine stories about Vietnam. Truth is, I never fired my rifle. Truth is, I got busted for being drunk and disorderly in Da Nang. Um, I got caught sleeping on guard, passed out. Um, uh, I guess the real truth of my drinking is that whenever there was enough time and enough booze, I got drunk. I never drank to be social. I drank to get the job done. And the reason I didn't get in a lot of trouble early on is my disease hadn't progressed to the point where there was that many– that much time spent drinking. But see, as it progressed, whenever there was enough booze and enough time, I drank till I was drunk, and, uh, that– those things showed up a couple times. I got an Article 15 in, in Vietnam for being caught in an off-limits, um, place you weren't supposed to be in. Um, and then y- we'd do bizarre things. Like I had a buddy that I drank with, and he drank just like I did, and we found– right next to the airstrip we found a Green Beret, uh, rest camp, and those guys had first class. We had to walk two miles to get a beer. You know, we were limited to two beers a day. Uh, and these guys had the rest camp, and they didn't care if you were Marine Corps or Navy as long as you took your si-signias off. And so we'd go over there, and they had all kinds of booze. They had bartenders, and we'd get drunk every day. Well, we started getting in trouble 'cause he liked to… He always carried a forty-five, and he liked to shoot it at things, you know- … on the way back. And so rather than maybe not drinking, we figured it out, that we'd take turns, see? Today he'd get drunk, and I'd take care of him. Tomorrow I'd get drunk, and he'd take care of me. And that's good alcoholic thinking. I have a friend in Loveland that she said, you know, she kept getting speeding tickets and losing her license, so she did the natural thing. She sold her car. She never thought to stop drinking. Yeah. I got out of the service. Um, Sally and I got married. We stayed in the small town that we had, uh, grown up in for a year. My dad was, uh– had been involved in politics, uh, and I was Billy Corbett. I was Bill Corbett's son, and I didn't want to be Bill Corbett's son. I wanted to be me, but I didn't know who the hell that was. So that's one of the reasons I wanted to move. Uh, and a year after we were married, uh, we moved to Colorado. That was in 1969. Uh, we had a '54 Chevy bread truck that had been converted to a camper, had a motorcycle on the back, and we arrived in Loveland, Colorado, with, uh, an ironing board on top and our motorcycle on the back and no money, no jobs, didn't know anybody, and settled in. Um, Sally got a job before I did. We went out every day looking for jobs. We lived in a Three C's Motel, and it was 100 bucks a month. And that– the, you know, the– there were some good memories in the early part of our marriage. Um, but right away, as soon as we got here, um, I went to work at a place that built modular and mobile homes, and Sally went to work at Safeway. And about the time I would get off work, she would go in. So I started going drinking after work, and I hung out with some younger single guys 'cause they drank like I drank. And, uh, you know, the longer you drink, it's really tough to find people that drink like you drink. And, uh, so you have to just find wherever they are. Um, and then I started to get involved in the community. I got into the Jaycees and worked my way up through the offices and became president of Jaycees, and we did really well, and, you know, we built it up, uh, till we had, I don't know, we, we increased the membership by a hundredfold or something. Um, but we did a lot of drinking, and, uh, that started to affect our relationship. I took a job on the road. Uh, it was about seven months. I was a manufacturer's rep. My territory was Colorado, Nebraska, Wyoming and New Mexico. Um- I was gone most of the time, about three weeks a month. Um, and I drank all the time when I was gone. I would– every third Sunday, I would drive to, uh, Scottsbluff, Nebraska, and then take a week working my way back. And the way I would work is I'd get up six in the morning. I'd make morning breakfast appointments. I wouldn't eat. I'd make lunch appoint– I'd just work until I was done, till maybe eight o'clock, 10 o'clock that night. I'd get a case of beer, and I'd drive to the next town, drink, have a steak for dinner, drink till I passed out, get up the next morning, do the same thing. And the same thing, the same pattern, whenever there was enough time and enough booze, I drank till I got the job done. Um, that job didn't work out. Um, I got in the car business. And, uh, without going to all the details, one of the– I, I would've kept closer count if I'd known it would've counted so much for prestige in the program, but somewhere around 12 cars is what I've wrecked since– in my drinking career. I'm, I'm not quite sure of the count. And that's why many people said that I got in the car business, so I would have an inventory to work on. Um, because at the dealership I worked at, if you paid the deductible, the first 50 bucks, then they paid the rest. So I, I still hold the record, uh, at the Chevrolet garage for paying the most deductibles, the– in the history of the dealership. Um, I found my niche when I got in the car business business-wise. I fell in love. I, I was just gonna take that job selling cars until I could get my real estate license. I was going to real estate school. After three months, I fell in love with the car business, and then I, I really started to do well. And, uh, I became truck manager, used car manager, and then new car manager. And I went to a, a dealer son school back in Detroit for five weeks. That was a wonderful school. Uh, and I was so excited about my career and my business, and it was, it was wonderful. But my disease was progressing just as rapidly. Um, the thing I hung on to was that I could still work. I would be– I might get home at three in the morning or four or five, but I would be at work at seven. And, uh, I'd work seven days a week or whatever it took to get the job done. We used to sell about 150 cars a month. I had 12 guys. It was 12 salesmen, and it was a real stress job. And of course, I drank. If you had my stress, you'd drink too. Um. The– our relationship, Sally's and my relationship, that's something that, you know, I'm not used to doing this note thing, so, you know, in AA, we're supposed to tell what it was like, what happened, what it's like now. And the thing we were asked to share is some things on our relationship, and I'll kind of do that at the end. Um, but our relationship, we had some real rough times during this period. Um, and I wouldn't face it, but, uh, once in a while, I'd get a glimpse of what I was becoming, and I was becoming just like my dad, and I hated that. And so I would change my definition of what an alcoholic was. I would change my definition of what I was doing. I would justify my behavior because I couldn't be like my dad because he was– he wasn't there for us. He wasn't there for my mom. Uh, and so I kept– I was able for a while to change that definition and to hide from the truth. Um, but there were times when I just– I couldn't deny, you know. Uh, so I, so I worked harder, and I worked longer, and I drank harder. And I went and told– I was a bar drinker. I loved the bar. Uh, several years ago, Meg and I went skiing, and Joe, and afterwards, we stopped at this place to grab a bite to eat. And you had to walk through the bar, and I walked in there, and that smell. And man, I just love that. I still love that. That's why I don't go in those places. You know? I change when I go in those places. I, I heard a friend say one time, "You don't even have to drink the drink. You just set it in front of them, and you just change," you know? Uh, there's power in that. Um, and I had to rely more and more on that life because every, everything in my life I had to live outside because I couldn't go inside anymore and look at what I was becoming. Um, I started to screw up at work and, um, not real bad, but some instances 'cause you can't drink that hard and stay up that long and play that hard and still get the job done. And, uh, so it started to show up a little at work, and it definitely showed up in our home. Um, towards the end of my drinking, some things started happening that I couldn't deny. Um, and some people, again, like Sally talked, a few– You know, they were little things to, to you, but to me, they were big deals. I remember calling home. I was out drinking, and it was the night before Easter, and Sally always made a big deal of the holidays. And Christy answered the phone, our daughter, and she was probably four or five at that time. And we were supposed to color Easter eggs that night, and I can still hear her voice saying, "Daddy, why aren't you home?" I said, "Well, honey, I'm working. I have to work." She said, "But why aren't you home?" And I couldn't go home because I wasn't done yet. I hadn't finished drinking. I had to finish when I started. Um, and now I understand that because I have the disease of alcoholism, when I drink, it sets up what alcoholics have that's called a phenomena of craving that can only be satisfied with more alcohol, and I didn't know that then. I thought I was just a bad person who drank. Um, what it is is I have that disease of alcoholism, and once I begin to drink, I don't know what's gonna happen, and I don't know how much I'm gonna have to take to get the job done. Um, I called a friend, the same guy that I joined the Marine Corps with, um, and he's always been a real s-honest, clear guy, and I used to get phonitis. About midnight, I'd start calling back east while it's 2:00 in the morning back there, um, just to talk to my buddies, you know? And mo-most of them had put up with it, and I remember calling Tony one night, and he said, "What time is it?" And I said, "It's midnight." He said, "You're drunk. Call me when you're sober," and he hung up on me. And I had about six of those things happen. Sally and I won a trip to Hawaii and, uh, through this, uh, the car dealership and, um, I remember everything was on– everything was paid for. It was a first-class trip, and we took, I don't know, three, four hundred bucks, and I was using that to drink with over and above what was paid for. And, uh, I remember Sally wanted to buy this little dress for Christie, and it was thirty bucks, twenty bucks, and I was so afraid I was gonna run out of money and not have enough money to drink with, and I said, "We can't buy that. We don't have the money." And I probably had a hundred and fifty bucks left, but I was so terrified that I wouldn't have enough to finish drinking. Um, and all of these things happened, and I wrecked a couple more cars. Uh, we went back to Boston. I had met this guy at the school I went to, and he invited us to his brother's wedding, and it was at this country club and, uh, that I didn't know my way around and I'd met– At the school, I'd met some, some of the big wheels from Chevrolet, and we got along well. So anytime I traveled, they had a car waiting for me at the airport, which normally they, they just reserve that for the dealers. And so we went back, and they had a car waiting for us at the airport. And that night, Sally said, "Promise me you won't get drunk." And I said, "I won't 'cause I, I'm using Chevrolet's car, and I don't want to get drunk 'cause I don't know these people, and I don't know where we're d– you know, what we're gonna be doing." We got there, and they had an open bar, and I took a drink, and I said, "I'm gonna have a couple drinks." And I can remember today still that feeling of watching myself drink. I couldn't stop because th-th-that phenomena craving came, and I just couldn't stop drinking. And I got drunk, and I wrecked that car that night with a car full of strangers, people from the wedding. And all this stuff happened in a real short period. Um, a friend had roped me into being, uh, since I was so community-oriented, to being on the board of directors of Larimer County Alcohol Services. Uh, so we used to go to those board meetings. They had posters that really used to make me angry. You know, if you drink a lot of beer, you drink a lot, um, and little sayings that I really disliked, um- -because at that point I could drink– In a sitting, I could drink a case of beer and, uh, I– Everything started closing in and, uh, work was getting tough and God put somebody in my life, um, that– Well, he came from California and, uh, his mom had given up on him, put him on a plane, shipped him out here, ended up in treatment. And, uh, one of the guys from Larimer County Alcohol Services called me and say, "This guy has car experience and needs a job, and he's an alcoholic and drug addict and just got out of treatment." And I said, "Well," I said, "We don't mind those alcoholics, but we can't have drug addicts here." And I had a huge, giant bottle of codeine cough syrup in my drawer to get me through the day because I didn't drink during the day, you know. So I, I would hit that thing during the day to get through the day, but we couldn't have any drug addicts. Um, they went o-over my head and hired this guy anyway, um, 'cause I said we couldn't have him there. And, uh, a couple weeks later, um, because of all this stuff happening and wrecking a couple more cars, I thought maybe I should quit drinking for a while. And my plan was to quit drinking for six months, get it out of my system, and then I could start drinking normally. I didn't know that you can't do that. So I did that and, uh, I started– After about a week, I started to go into withdrawals, and I didn't know what it was. Um, at the same time, I had quit smoking. Um, I was gonna just get real clean. And I hadn't been home for dinner for years and, uh, I'd be home at six o'clock. Uh, is dinner ready yet? Uh, I was just wired 'cause I was trying to get off this stuff, and those withdrawals were just terrible. I would have blackouts during the day. Like, somebody would come in and say, "Would you appraise this car?" I'd get in the car, um, wake up halfway to Fort Collins and not remember getting in the car, not remembering who asked me to get in the car, you know, who asked me to appraise it. Um, I'd– Somebody would walk in my office that was a friend, and I would be terrified of them. Um, and so I started keeping lists, and my list would get me through the day because I– in my blackout I would forget things. I would forget where my office was. I would forget what the car was worth or who asked me to get in the car. And I kept real basic lists and, uh, one of my lists said, uh, you know, get up, shave, get dressed, go to work, sales meeting, and I'd just have it, boom, boom, boom. And then I'd have a list at work that I had made the day before to get me through the day, and I didn't know what the hell was going on. I thought I was going crazy because I wasn't drinking. Um, what really brought the terror on, and it's really funny now, but it wasn't then, is, um, I was driving to work. It was in January. It was very cold out, and I was freezing, and I couldn't figure out what was wrong, and I looked down, and I had no shirt on. I had a tie on. A three-piece suit and a top coat. No shirt. And I was gonna go in that sales meeting and really tear 'em up that morning, you know? And it just terrified me so much, and I turned around and went home, got dressed. And I think it was that night or the next night that I just fell apart, and I, I made my last list, and the list said, "Tell Sally- Call Don, call the doctor. Um, I'd been hiding all this stuff from everyone, and, uh, Sally was taking a shower, and I remember watching the news, and Freddie Prinze– they announced that Freddie Prinze had killed himself. And I just started crying, and I couldn't stop, and I didn't know why. Um, and I was afraid of the dark. And Sally came out, and I started ranting and raving about all the stuff that had been going on with me. And she got, for the first time, physically afraid. And I said, "Would you call Don?" And he was a good friend of ours, and he's our attorney, and he's a real, you know, logical thinker, intelligent guy, and he's gonna help me figure this out. He's the guy that got me on that board. Uh. So midnight, she calls him. He comes over about one o'clock in the morning, and he stayed with me till three in the morning. And, uh, and, uh, it's fun to hear him tell it because, um, I c– he– if you looked at me in this time, I would start crying. And yet, if you turn the lights out so you wouldn't, uh, you weren't looking at me, then I was afraid of the dark. So this guy's arranging furniture so he could sit next to me, so we could leave the lights on, so I could talk. And what happened is I talked, and I got a lot of that stuff out, and that helped. And he said, "Bill, maybe you've given up too much. Maybe it would be smart for you to smoke cigarettes." And so I said, "Okay." So I started smoking, and I smoked two packs of cigarettes in about four minutes. And, and that helped. You know, all those things helped. And I– one thing I left out is that I had gone– Because of being on this board, I had heard about Antabuse, so I had gone to my doctor and gotten a prescription for Antabuse. And, uh, I was taking Antabuse, so, you know, I had the thought entered my head about drinking, but I was afraid to drink on the Antabuse. And I re– I can still remember the doctor. He said, "You have to come in the office because I have to read this thing to you about what happens if you drink." And he asked me how much I was drinking, and I cut it in half and divided that by three. And he said, "Oh my God, that much?" Um, so after I finished telling Sally, you know, about what was going on, she said, "I don't know what's wrong with you." Uh, Don listened, and he was really helpful. But when he left, he said, "I don't know what's wrong with you." Um, so my ace in the hole was my doctor because I was under the misconception at that time that they are, they were more than human. Um, and he would have the answer. And I called him at two or three in the morning. Don had left, and I sa– started to tell him, and by then, uh, my voice would sound something like, "I think I'm going crazy." The, the sentences were stretched out. And I tried to tell this guy what was going on. The first thing he did is he fell asleep while I was on the phone talking to him. Second thing is he said, "Well, I'm going skiing in the morning. Why don't you hang in there and come in and see me Monday?" Um, I, I have to admit that he was on my resentment list and- Um, that's the first time after I got sober and was in a program a while, I ha- I had to go make amends for an amends I made. Because I was out of treatment two weeks, and I had made an appointment to go see that guy, lied and told him it was about a physical. Got in there, handed him a big book, and gave him a ten-minute lecture on alcoholics. And I said, "You better get your stuff together 'cause you're killing people." Um, I had to go back and clean that up later because- … um, I'm the guy that lied to him about everything. And since then, he's referred several people to me into the program. Uh… So, uh- I went to work. I hadn't slept in four nights. Um, I was terrified of everything and everyone. I hadn't eaten. Um, I called Sally that Saturday morning, and I said, "You have to get me something 'cause I'm going crazy. I'm coming apart." I tried to talk to my boss. The doctor had basically said, "I don't know what's wrong with you." My boss said, "I don't know what's wrong with you." And Sally, I don't know what– where she found it, but she came in, she brought some Valium to me. And, and it said, "Take one every four hours." I took four immediately, and for two hours, I thought I had discovered the cure for alcoholism. I just felt wonderful. Um, I knew what the cars were worth before the people even got to the dealership. Uh, I think we sold twenty-three cars that day. I believe this thirteen years ago, they still have some of the trade-ins because, uh, I, I missed on the values. Um, I was supposed to terminate this guy that I told you about that had been an alcoholic and drug, drug addict because he missed some work, and I said, "You have to come into my office, and I need to talk to you." And up to then, I had been a real hard-ass boss, you know, tried to be like my boss was, and by now, I, I just was trying to get through the day and, and so he said, "Okay, but I need to finish customer." And he came in my office, and I had had four people in the last ten hours that told me they didn't know what was wrong with me, and I just didn't know what I was gonna do because I had nothing left. I was terrified of everything, and I was falling apart. And this guy said, "Well," he said, "the reason I've been late for work is, uh, as you know, I'm an AA, and I've taken Antabuse, and I accidentally– I was out listening to a band, and I got a mixed drink instead of a Coke, and it made me sick." And I started to tell him about this friend of mine. And, uh, when he tells it, it, you know, it's, I have this friend. And, uh, and he listened to me. And, uh… This only happens when he's here. I hate it. Um, he said, uh, "I think I know what's wrong with you." See, because I got up, and I closed the door, and I said, "It's not a friend. It's me." And he said, "I know." And he said, "You're probably afraid of the dark, and, uh, you're afraid of people, and, uh, and you can't remember things." And he started to tell me about alcoholism and withdrawals and blackouts. And God, I was so relieved to find out that there was something that had a name of what was wrong with me. And, uh, so I turned my will of my life over to Joe, and, uh, he called this other friend of ours who was a psychiatrist and was on that board with me, and he put me on the phone, and I talked for three minutes, and he said, "You go home and get Sally and come up here." Went up to his office, and Joe watched the kids, and, um, in five minutes, Ken tricked me into te– saying I was an alcoholic. And he said, "You have to go to treatment now." And I said, "Oh, I can't go now." And he said, "Why?" I said, "Well, if I go now, I'm gonna lose my house, my wife, my job." He said, "What's gonna happen if you don't go?" I said, "I'm gonna lose my house and my wife and my job." So I went to treatment, and, uh, my life changed. Um, you know, the advantage that we have, AA alcoholics have over Al-Anons is we've escaped into the booze for all those years. We had a, we had a way to get relief from the pain. Um, and Al-Anons don't have that, you know. They go quietly insane. And when you take the booze out of us and clean us up and give us a shower, man, we get well real quick. And sometimes too quick. But I, I was so terrified that I would have to go back to the life that I had that I did everything you told me to do for two years. Um, I got out of treatment. They said, "Get a sponsor. Uh, read this book." And I just did it. And, uh, I can remember the first clear feeling of love and sanity. I, I stayed up– I was probably in treatment two and a half weeks, and it was a three-week program at Harmony then. And I stayed up with John Foster a lot of nights talking on into the morning, and it was like three in the morning, and, and I was walking back to my cabin, and it was probably thirty degrees or colder, and the snow was crunchy, and there was a full moon. And I walked back, and I felt so clean and so loved. Um, and it, and it took me right back. I remember one time– I was raised Irish Catholic, and, uh, I used to go to confession every Saturday because that's what mom said we had to do. And this one time, I remember telling the priest everything before I'd, you know, not tell everything. And I remember it was a spring day walking out of St. Mary's Church, being on the top of the steps, and, and I remembered how everything felt, and I felt so clean and so good. And that's how I felt that night. And I, and I had talked to John that night about me and about the pain and about all the stuff that I had done and been through and, and that's when the healing took– started to take place for me in the program. I hadn't written any inventory yet, but I did a fifth step, uh, of the real heavy stuff. And it was so wonderful, and it gave me so much hope. Um, so I left there, and I went, got to AA, and I got a sponsor right away, and, and I, I picked a group. I went to lots of groups, and I, I picked a group where they met in the church, and I could hear– I got to the top of the stairs, and I could hear this laughter, and it was just that awful bar room laughter that I love, you know. And I, and I went down, and it was the AA meeting, and they made me feel So welcome and, uh, loved me unconditionally and accepted me that first night. And very shortly after that, I asked this guy to be my sponsor, and that's one of the hardest things I think you have to do in this program. You know, I thought he was gonna throw up or run away or find an excuse. But what he said to me, I still remember, is he said, "I'd be honored to be your sponsor." And I said, "Yeah, but let me tell you" And he said, "But there are some things we have to talk about." And, and, uh, and he said, "Let's meet, and then we'll talk about these. And if you agree to these things, then I'd be honored to do that." And we met, and he told me how he had been sponsored and that, uh, we worked out an a- an agreement on how many meetings I would go to a week, about when we would meet and do the steps, about how often I would call him, about, you know, just kinda some guidelines. And I did that, and he would call me and say, "I'm coming by to, coming by to get you for a meeting." I said, "Okay." And I never knew for two years that I didn't have to do that, see? And by then I was, I was hooked. And, um, uh, one of the– one of the most wonderful things he did for me, um, was that he– we would get in the car, and we'd just go. And he was– had been delegate, state delegate, so he was invited a lot of places. And at the end of his talk, he'd always save five minutes, and I'd have to get up brand new sober at the, the podium, and it was so frightening. But I'm so grateful that he did that. And one time, I was three months sober, and we got on the interstate, and we're heading south, uh, he and I and Bob J. And, and I s– I never asked where we were going. I just didn't know I could do that. So we just went through Denver. I said, "Well, we're gonna go to South Denver." And we went through, uh, Colorado Springs, and I said, "Okay, where are we going, guys?" And we were going to Pueblo to the state hospital. And as we're walking up the steps, Don turns to Bob and I, and he says, "Oh, by the way, you guys are the speakers tonight." And I said, "I can't do that." He said, "What do you mean you can't do that?" And I, I said, "Well, I…" I said, "I haven't been through the pain these folks have been through." I said, "What have I got to share with them?" And he said, "How many stories do you have?" And I said, "One." He said, "Tell that one." And so that, that's all I've ever done since then is just tell that one story that I have. Um, he took me through the steps. He showed up at work, um, three or four times a week. Uh, he'd drive by and come in, and we'd have coffee. And most of the time I loved it because I, I did a lot of fear the first five years. I was afraid a lot. Um, and– but there's some days I didn't wanna hear any more of that AA stuff, and I'd go hide in the bathroom. And I'd come out, and sometimes he'd be gone, sometimes he'd be waiting, you know? But he loved me sober, uh, and that's what the program has done. You guys have just loved me sober. And no matter what I did or how I was that day, you accepted me and loved me and allowed me to stay. Um… I, I feel that what I got out of Judene's talk last night was that if you're willing to show up and do the work, that you build an incredible foundation in either one of these programs that just constantly pays you back. And there's some times today when I call my sponsor, and I say, "Well, God, I'm really sweating cash flow, and then, and then this guy won't," and da, da, da. You know, I go on and on. And he said, um, uh, "Have you written it down?" You know? And I'd say, "This is not about ten step. This is about my problem." And, uh, he'll say, uh, "Well, why don't you write that down and call me back?" And, uh, see, I've been willing– I have attacked the program since I've been in it. I, I did– Out of fear the first two years, I just did what you said and showed up because I didn't wanna go back to being like I was. And then it started to work, and I got so– lots of paybacks. And so I started to do it because I wanted to do it. And, and now I do it today just because it's such a privilege to belong to Alcoholics Anonymous. And the paybacks that I've received are so incredible. All I came here for was to have the pain stop, and the gifts just keep coming. And– But they don't come unless I do the work. My second sponsor used to always say, "It's much easier to act yourself into right thinking than it is to think yourself into right acting." You have to do the work. Um, I believe today that it's as simple– I– On my big book, I wrote up at Harmony, I wrote, "Go to meetings, work the steps, read the book, talk to my sponsor." And I believe that's what I have to do today on an ongoing basis. And when I do that, things keep getting better and better. Um, some of the… I guess the– other than the gifts that I've been given, the, the, the most– The biggest payback in this program comes in, uh, giving back what was so freely shared by being a sponsor. It's such an honor to be asked by someone and to share the program with someone. As, as long as I understand that I can't get anybody sober and I can't get anybody drunk, and I'm just a window. I love Chuck C., had an analogy that God's the light, and I'm the window, and my job is to keep the window clean so that the light can shine through. And that's my job. That's the most important reason for me to be here, to be here this weekend, to be alive, is to keep my window clean. You know, and I always thought it was to be president of something really large, you know? Um, I, I– it varied between that and Someone — a friend says that, you know, we constantly fell off our pedestal, but the pedestal was in the gutter . You know, it's, it's so hard to, to fall up. Um. So I vacillated between crawling out of there and being president of something large, and today I realize that, um, I'm one of God's kids and, and it's no big deal, but nobody can do what I'm here to do. And my job is to just carry the message about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Um, I'd like to just share a couple of the personal things that have happened to me since I got sober. Um, and again, they're no big deal, but they're– it's, it's part of what's part of my recovery. Um, uh, I decided to, to stop smoking, you know, after I'd been sober, uh, a year. I took up running. One of the things I never was, was an athlete because they always said, "Well, if I was as tall as you, I wish I could play basket…" And I, you know, and I, I always thought it was 'cause I was bad, but it turned out it was because I was just a late bloomer. Um, and so I was never good at sports. I took up running, and after running a couple of years, I ran a marathon, twenty-six miles without stopping. Um, I've done some mountain climbing. I did Outward Bound. I've gone, uh, uh, on a raft– rafting a few times. Uh, there's been so many gifts that the program's given me because you have choices to be and do what you wanna do and be– and go where you wanna go. And, uh, the relationship with my kids today, um, is, is just incredible. I, um… Oh, I'm jumping ahead. I– At two and a half years sober, I, I'd gotten what's called a Golden Slippers Big Book study, and it– all it is, is in nineteen seventy-five, the, the international convention was in Denver, and a, a bunch of happy Canadians came down, and they did a workshop called the Golden Slippers Group. And it turned out that there was five or six guys that couldn't stay sober in this program. They kept slipping, and it wouldn't work for them. So they asked this guy named Mack if he would take them through the steps. But they didn't want any other people there from AA because these guys couldn't get it, and they needed special help. Mack said, "Well, you can't do that. You have to have the meeting open." But he said, "Why don't you pick a time when other alcoholics won't show up?" So they had a Sunday morning meeting at six o'clock, and it was Mack and these six guys. And what happened is he took them through the book. I mean, uh, there's no magic in it. It's just starting at the flyleaf and working through the book. And, uh, all six of these people got sober and stayed sober. And, uh, I went and got in one of those groups and went through that Golden Slippers deal, and it took about six months, meeting once a week for two hours. And, uh, for the first time– See, I, I had a higher power if I was with you or if I was in a meeting or if I was, uh, doing an inventory. But as soon as I was alone, I would be alone. Um, I did that Golden Slippers group and at two and a half years sober, and from that point to this point, I have never been alone. And what it is, is I just, with your help, worked the principles of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I've had the privilege of being involved in some of those Golden Slippers groups. And, uh, I, I would love Dr. Bob and Bill to be here today, you know, and see some of the things that are happening. You know, you hear a lot of negative about AA's coming apart and there's special interest groups and there's a lot of this stuff, but I think that our program is wonderful and is getting stronger and stronger. And I think we probably even do some things a little better than they used to do. Um, not because we've changed it, but there's more understanding. There's more people sober. Uh, uh, watched that s-at state convention, I watched that movie, Doctor– or, uh, Bill's Own Story, and, uh, uh, from what I understand it, you know, the, it's said that book was authored by a hundred sober drunks. Well, Bill had an alcoholic's, uh, habit of exaggerating a little, and there's– I guess there was only, like, sixty-nine or seventy people sober when he wrote the book. But a hundred sounded better, you know? So, um- And we have a– You know, the quality of sobriety we have today by using the program that they wrote for us is incredible. Uh, something that– I, I read a wonderful article in The Grapevine. It talked about– It was entitled Where Are the Old-Timers? And it talked about all the old-timers that were staying away from the meetings because all these people were coming from treatment centers with treatment center talk and, like, "I'm codependent," and, "I'm duly addicted," and, "I'm an adult child." And, and the article addressed the issue and said our job isn't to stay home and say AA is getting ruined. Our job is to be there and welcome these people that are coming. What el- what are they supposed to know? I mean, they, they've come from treatment, and they're doing the best they can. And our job is to say, "Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. This is what we do here. Uh, we treat alcoholism." And, uh, and explain to them and welcome them and not stay home and say, "AA's falling apart." It's to stand up for the traditions and the concepts and the steps. Uh, w– I think it's so wonderful that we're getting all these people referred to our programs now. We shouldn't look at them like they're a threat. Um, we should welcome them and love them like we were loved. Uh, you know, they talked about– When Bill wrote the traditions, they talked about having all the groups send in their rules for membership when AA first started. And they added them all up, and they figured out if all the rules were followed, no one that– of the first hundred would have qualified for membership. So we just need to be open, loving, and abide by our steps, traditions, and concepts, and then the program will not only get stronger, but will just keep getting better, and we'll get more people in. Um… The last couple minutes, what I'd like to share with you is, um, probably one of the best things that ever happened in my life, and her name is Sally. And, uh, you know, the relationship we had prior to the program when we f- before alcoholism really started was one of infat- infatuation or whatever it is when you first get married. And, um, through the disease, the, the, the pain that we both went through, the fact that I became just like my dad, um, the fact that I not only told Sally about an affair, but I convinced her it was her fault because she was stupid, boring, and glum. Um, and to watch her lose that sparkle, like Dr. Kessler asked her, "What happened, Sally?" Um, because she always had that sparkle. And we lived like that for two years in this disease. And, uh, and I couldn't– It got as bad as that I couldn't look in the mirror anymore because I had become my dad. And, uh, and then we found you, and you gave us this program. And the night I got home from treatment, I, uh… And it must have been in a moment of clarity because, like I said, for five years, I was in a lot of fear, and I just showed up. And, uh, but I made a decision. We stayed up till three or four in the morning and talked, and Sally said, "I can forgive you everything, but the fact that you had an affair and you told me about it." Um, and I don't know where the answer came from, but the answer that came was that I don't do that. But me and alcohol do that, and I don't do alcohol anymore. And to myself that night, I made a commitment to Sally, and I just kept it to myself that she was my lady and, and I was committed to that relationship for the rest of my life, period. I lived that in place for three months before I shared it with her. I came home. Um, I tried to my best of my ability to love her unconditionally and did not do it right all the time. We fought. We fell apart. The wonderful thing was that the commitment was there, and the second thing we discovered is we did to the best of our ability to stop causing new pain. Um, it's so hard to live with someone, period, but if you keep adding new, new pain, you can't heal the old pain. So if you stop the new pain, it gives the old pain a chance to heal. And somehow we figured this out, and it, and it happened that morning when I got a knot in my stomach when that fight started, and I said, "I can't do this today. I just wanna be happy with you today." And the other thing that she didn't share with you is, remember the first time I w– you know, I was mad, and I was– said something to her, and, and she yelled back at me. And she never yelled back at me. And so she kinda yelled at me, and then she– it scared her. And be– And the next thing that scared her is I s- I actually applauded. I said, "All right." And I, and I just backed off, man. I said, "Jeez, she's getting really well," and, um… So we had the commitment. We stopped causing new pain. Um, we had very strong sponsorship. Um, we had, uh… Uh, Ed Hutch was my s- second sponsor, and, uh, he had been sober forty-three years or, um… And I would go to him and say, "Sally's not getting it, you know?" "Uh, she doesn't have a sponsor," and, and I'd go on and on and on, and he'd let me finish, and he'd say– And you have to excuse me. This is what he said. He'd say, "Sally is none of your goddamn business. Mind your goddamn business." And he probably told me that five thousand times, uh, over our relationship. Uh, and one day I asked him, I said, "Whose sponsor are you, hers or mine?" I'd been around a while for, before I was brave enough to ask him. See, we had that kind of support, not letting us play that game. And, uh, the other thing we discovered is that we needed quality time together, and I, I believe that the only way you can have quality time with your wife or your kids is to have quantity time. You know, that for me, quality time's a cop-out. It means, "Hey, I got fifteen minutes. Let's be real with each other." Um… So we started having weekly dates, um, and we still do. And, uh, probably when we were two years in the program, and they were– I mean, they were, like, written in stone. If we would be in Fort Collins having dinner, and someone would call me and say, "God, would you guys join us for dinner?" And we'd say, "Well, we'd really like to do that, but we're on a date, and we can't. This is our time." They were tough at first because I didn't know Sally, and she didn't know me. So what do you talk about? We, we made rules. You couldn't talk about kids. Couldn't talk about money. Couldn't talk about previous problems. There isn't a hell of a lot left to talk about. We couldn't go to the movies because that was a cop-out. So we started to learn how to talk to each other, feelings, and one thing that helped was the open AA meetings because we could go home and talk about that. Um, we've gone for outside help. We'd get stuck, and we'd go get some outside help, uh, get a third person. Um, th-this was– used to be real hard to admit about four years in the program. I had burned Sally with managing the books at home, um, and– 'cause I'd just write checks, checks, checks, drinking and, and so she refused, even in sobriety, to do the book, the checkbook and pay the bills. Uh, and I couldn't handle it. I got– That was an area I couldn't figure out, and I was stuck. So, uh, we went and got outside help at four years sober. I remember closing my eyes and calling my accountant saying, "I don't know how to balance my checkbook. I need your help." We went in. We had three meetings with him. Um, we worked it out. For seven years, I'd take my paycheck down to my accountant and give it to him. He gave me my allowance. And that's what we did. He s- told us about an envelope system, which we still use today. You know, Bill's got three envelopes, personal money, this, that. Money's gone, it's gone. I still don't do checkbooks very well. Um, I– we've been supported into, in going for outside help when we get stuck. Not to re-replace the program, but to, to support the program. Um, what, what I realized we started doing without knowing we were doing is, is loving each other unconditionally. And I, maybe because of my Irish Catholic guilt, I started it, you know, loving unconditionally. At state convention, it was wonderful. A guy spoke, was a lawyer from Chicago, and he said there's… He was Irish Catholic, and he said there's three kinds of guilt: there's Irish guilt, there's Catholic guilt, and there's Irish Catholic guilt. Um, we started loving each other unconditionally. And we used to speak on our– a, now on birthdays at Harmony, and I remember it was our fifth anniversary, and I spoke first, and then Sally shared. And we had five years in the program, and when she shared, she hadn't shared this with me prior to this, she said that it had been just six months or four and a half years in the program when she totally trusted me, and that's of doing it every day. So the pain that the disease caused goes very deep, and that's why it's so important to stop causing new pain, so you allow the old pain to heal. And, uh, today I'm, I'm married to my best friend. Um, I fall in love with her more every day. Um, I try to the best of my ability when I get up in the morning to see what can I add to Sally's day for fun and free. When she does something that I think might not be right, I remember. Ed passed away about five years ago, but I still hear that voice. "She's none of your business." And I stay out of Sally's business today, and I just… My only job is to love her unconditionally with no expectations in return. Um, it makes it real simple. It takes a lot of weight off me, uh, and it, our relationship just keeps getting better and better and, uh… The thing that has continued, I think, to support that is that we also both stay close to our programs. Um, and I don't know why when I cut back on meetings, I go crazy. I don't know why. But now I don't worry about knowing why. I just know that I need to go. And when I go, everything stays fine. Another little thing we discovered is a thing called putting it on the shelf. We had a fight one time. We were in Boulder riding around, and this wasn't that– a few years ago. And we were both actually in tears trying to figure out what the pain was about. I thought she was attacking me. She thought I was attacking her. And again, we said, "Look, this is really important, this problem, and we need to make sure we know who's right. But for today, let's put it on the shelf and just be together and love each other." And we did that, and then we went back to get to the problem, and we forgot what the hell the problem was. So th-that was a real good insight for us. Um, one of the last gifts I'd just like to share, um… Yes, time is passing. Um, this is something that I, I think summarizes the, what the program has done for our, for our lives. This is a Father's Day card from my daughter, and it says, "Dear Dad, the more I'm away from home, the more I realize how important you are in my life. The more I hear from friends about their families, the more I realize how charmed my life is because of you. Happy Father's Day. All my love, Christie." Thank you.
