September 1969

-three legions (these could be It was felt that such an action might counted on for robust spirit, but at least salvage a few cans of beer, Wenni, Weedi, Weeki! their effectiveness was limited by whereas total defeat in the field by Gordonius their inability to distinguish friend might result in total drouqht. Furfrom foe); Rationalizers – two thermore, the fact that the entire legions (these troops could be action would be fought in the Being a boozy bit o f early Roman history counted on for a logical explanation Temperate Zone was construed as as to why they were in Rome when a very alarming sign from the gods. that was somehow overlooked the fighting was in Carthage); one Capitulation would most certainly by your high-school Caesar class legion of Lady-Killers, operating on have carried the day had not one the strategy that history is made at Mocus stepped from the ranks and night; one legion of Philosophers, exhorted the legions as follows, Translator’s Note: Quintus Vacuus Gordonius, so named for the equipped with fully enigmatic cafeteria-style: Vth* of gin he habitually emptied into the vortex to appease the smiles; also miscellaneous cohorts “Many of you have been my Furies, was born in the late second century after Carstairs. He was of Sentimentalists, Orators, Wags, comrades in the treacherous waters chief historian for the Drunkards during the turbulent era of the Monotonists, and Gaelic Despond- of the Dry Heaves. Many more Second Alcoholic Progression (see Chronic Wars – selected writ- ents. The cavalry consisted of 422 have known the horrifying visits of ings of Delirius). His style is considered by most scholars as the Poltroons mounted on barstools, Medusa and the Harpies. As I look apotheosis of akoholic prose: vague, incoherent, verbose, re- their chief asset being that no effort among these red-veined faces, I dundant, and plagiaristic. Nowhere is this more evident than in the -of whatever magnitude – could even espy survivors of the ill-fated selection which follows. The alert reader will immediately be pry these stalwarts from their expedition into the great Desert of struck by its fragmentary nature. Do not be misled into attributing mounts. Prohibition. Now, I submit, gallant this to partial destruction of the manuscript in the course of time. Added to this demoralizing deci- sons of Bacchus and devotees of It is simply characteristic of alcoholic writers to lose interest in mation of the ranks was the dis- Cirrhosis, that no man inured to their subject before they have come to the point. quieting fact that supplies had these and other terrors would shrink Curiously, after nineteen years of distinguished campaigning in dwindled to a meager fifty-four at the sight of a few lily-livered the legions of the Drunkards, Gordonius defected to his erstwhile barrels of Grant’s eight-year-old; teetotalers; no man swept with bitter enemies, the Sobers. Little was heard from him thereafter. twenty-two cases of Four Roses, regularity from the Augean gin mills It is conjectured that he succumbed to an acute attack of reality. symbolizing the sacrifice of the would give ground to a parched -G. W. C. flower of our youth; 188 gallons of moralist; no proud Drunkard con- Imperial filth – rollghly equivalent to one load under the Repnhlic. Old Crow, interpreted by soothsay- signed by tlie Fates to live in the ers as an ominous portent, since eternal hell of snakes and shakes FTER the rout of the Winos along Bellows Club Bourbon is just as would turn tail at the approach of A the Upper Drambuie, despair and remorse were the rule in the mellow and you can save four and a half drachmae on every case. In a handful of do-gooders. I, for one, citizens, would rather hit bottom camp of the Drunkards. Recapitu- the event of an extreme emergency, forty times than succumb to the lating the grave state of affairs, our forty cases of Vitalis were held in inglorious slavery of sobriety!” generals, Fatuus and Flatulus, es- reserve. Thus, with a loud hiccough, did timated the composition of the alco- In view of the critical nature of Mocus pass out heroically from the holic forces still on active duty to this situation, many of our bravest scene. be as follows: Barroom Brawlers officers proposed suing for peace. Gordon C., White Plains, N.Y.