July 1958

intelligent non-alcoholic, concerned how understanding the non-alcaholwith helping the alcoholic make the ic is, be he clergyman or even phyprogram, to realize some centrally sician. important matters. However, he In the mind of the average alcomust not try to take the place of holic there is an implied censure in the alcoholic in doing Twelfth Step most advice and certainly in critiwork. Even though he uses the same cism, however mild. The non-alcowords that an alcoholic would he holic, in my opinion, can do his best does not communicate the same work with his AA friend or relative message, since he has not had the or the AA group as a whole by same experience as a fellow-alcohol- learning, listening and generally ic. He may talk about alcoholism as leading the alcoholic to deeper and a disease to the active alcoholic but, more meaningful AA experience since he,hasn’t suffered the disease, wit6 his alcoholic confreres. his conununication does not carry If, in AA, it is taught that one the same acceptance value and con- alcoholic cannot take the other’s inviction. He may talk about the ventory, how much the more absurd value of attending meetings but, be- is it for a non-AA friend to attempt yond saying that the meetings are to evaluate and judge the program meaningful to him for other things of his alcoholic associate? As a Need To Listen By Rabbi Herbert Bloom in life, he cannot bring to the alco- clergyman many of us, and I ine. holic what the meetings may mean clude myself, are all too prone to Kingston, New York in terms of sobriety. He has never pronounce pseudo-professional orbeen faced with the struggle of be- acles about alcoholism in particular PERHAPS THE MOST DIFFICULT prob- in a language which ex-drunks will coming sober, and remaining sober, and life in general to the alcoholic lem in human life is communication. understand is an important part of or of understanding the value of AA sufferer. I t is not my purpose here The science of semantics has made the therapy, based on communicat- contacts and meetings. to go into the personality analysis great strides in recent decades be- ing the common suffering and com- It is the non-alcoholic’s business, which motivates this kind of comcause of the growing awareness on mon fund of emotional experience. it seems to me, to direct the alco- munication. Suffice to say’that these the part of intelligent people that it Does the non-alcoholic, working holic toward his fellow-sufferer and judgments are harmful to the alcois necessary to have a common area with his alcoholic friend or relative, to accept humbly the role of an un- holic, whether they are pronounced . of meaning when we communicate find it possible to communicatewith derstanding supporter. Because of by clergyman, physician or other with one another. Such words as the sick member of the family? If his common problem an alcoholic professional, no matter how compefaith, religion, friendship may be his effort to help the alcoholic is de- may advise and rebuke a fellow AA tent he may be. understood differently by different rived from the false premise that al- member, effectively using the same One of our most important funcpeople, but there must be a common coholism implies guilt, moral lapse terms as a non-alcoholic. But if the tions for AA as non-alcoholics is to care of agreement in order for the and sin, among other things, the non-alcoholic rebukes and advises in develop an empathy and underwords to convey anything which will non-alcoholic cannot communicate matters of sobriety, the resentments standing of what the specific group impel living action. with his sick friend, no matter what likely to be engendered and tho and the fellowship in general are In AA the constant emphasis on words he may use. guilts likely to be evoked are many, trying to do. By attempting to edsimplicity and the necessity to talk I t is therefore necessary for the no matter how well-intentioned or ucate other non-alcoholics as to the

workings of the program we may friends of the alcoholic sufferer. Alhelp greatly. There are times to though I know that these groups are stand aside, as non-alcoholics, and often very helpful, Al-Anon meetlisten. I t is hard enough to commu- ings should never be used as oppornicate with people who have not tunities for reviling and berating been confused, guilt-ridden and hurt the alcoholic member of the family. by a disease greatly misunderstood. If they help us to apply the pro- I t surely requires deep sympathy gram to our own lives and gain and care to communicate effectively faith, serenity, courage and wisdom, with the sick, self-hating, defensive, and above all, forbearance, this is sometimes hostile, alcoholic. all to the good. If they don’t they All this is not to say that the may harm. non-alcoholic has an easy task or The value of communication is to that our human weaknesses, resent- produce the common area of meanments, and anger can be dismissed ing between two human beings. To as unimportant, but our communi- me, it seems that communication becation will be more effective if we tween the alcoholic and the nonremember that the alcoholic is sick alcoholic should engender in the and we treat him as we would treat minds of both the mutual enterprise any other sick person. of building a better life with each In some,,areas there are non-alco- respecting, if not always underholic groups for relatives and close standing, the other. (End)