NOVEMBER 19W VI1.at Do Yozl Tlzink Aboz~tYozilh Group

From f’/ti~(i(l(~lp/ti(( A g o u p of A.A.s l ~ n sIxen formed at I’liilitclell~l~ia women, 35 years of age for ~ n e nn ~ ~ t l nnd uritler. This group wns formed in Jnnilnry, 1946, with just six mcmhcrs, only three of wl~oniI ~ i dI1ec11 dry ~ I I C four niontlis requiretl for voting menil)ersltil~. This riicml~ersllil~ I~us sir~cc11cc11exl~i~~ltlctl to .tl)ol~thirty, 11c11rlyI I ~ I I I ‘ of wliorn have IMXII dry over four mon~lis. We were ur~tlcr the i r n l ~ r c s s i o ~ ~ when we hegull lhis group t h t we were ~ruill)lazersi l l lhe field, l ) u ~reporls from some of our visiting A.A.s l~uvc i~~tlicc~~ccl t h t it lius I)ecn tried I d o r e , ti1111011g11with very littlc s~~cccss.\Ve nrc not sccki~lgpioi~ccrc:rctlit i l l writing illis tc.~tcr, f ~ t r t rnlher, constr~~ctive criticism. \Ve hope to lienr from olher groups thro~~gliout the country, ~ i v i ~ i g11s the benelit of your experielice with yo1111g peol~lc and with s t ~ c horgnnizntioris as ours i f tlwy have IICCII nttcrnl~lctl. We were slow i l l p t t i n g sturled with our gr011p and we nre still I ) r o c e e d i ~ ~ g with cautio~i since i t is appnrent thut our abilities lie niorc in the reulni of prevention than in cure. Most young people have not h e n hurt badly enough or often enotrgh, so t h y tl~ink,to feel that they ure ill m y need of wlint we in A.A. hnve to oflcr. It is f ~ n r c t lIIIUI for this rcnson wc will exj~erienccniore tlinn 11 nor~nnlnurnl~crof rclal)ses, nntl that our progress will of necessily I)c slow. IIowever, mniiy of our later meml~ers IIUVC udniit~cd t11ut lind it not h e n for his yo~rnggroup h e y woulJ not linve stuck to So, we ore doing s011ie good. Let’s hear from otl~ergroups. We would like your suggestions, ntlvicc, criticism and opinions on wlint we are trying to do.–B.n.A!c.

June 1947

\Vc, loo, lture stl~~u!ltlcredtime, rlloney, and ~~~l,g hlhe grace of God-o l ) l ) o r l ~ i ~ ~ i l y – I l~l r~r o nncl orrly 1llro11g11the grtlce of Cod-doa’t ever Iorgt.t 11rc11, SIC of our time l ~ n s1)ec11savctl for us. I h g t ~ i r ~t i ~h ~lost g 1rto11cyn ~ ~ocplj ) o r t ~ ~ l l i t i e s i s 1111 l o 11s. \Ve 11c:ctl IIIII~~ t l ~ n nphysical I ~ e l p , we i~eecl spirit~~ill nit1 ~llso. \Ve are clcpentlent 011 God. \ hrk \Ve s l ~ o ~ ~ l t l o u r nrms ill ench other’s and go on, I ~ e l p i ~ul g d s t r c l ~ g l l ~ e n i te~n g d l o l l ~ c r ,accepti n g IICIIB w l ~ c l lwe need i t and I ~ a m l ) l i ~ l g our- SI:IV(-S, SO \VC ICI SO~IIW rcut:It IIICp n l wc arc: striving l o n~tcti~~!–I.A.C.

March 1948

Advice on the Yonl~gerSet . From Quiucy, Flu.. I would like to notify your’readers of the for- 011nulncrous occasions oldcr members of A.A. mation of a group here in Quincy. At present havc cc)lnc 111) and soid to 1nc, “Son, I wish I our membership is small, only three, but we co~~ld hnve joincd A.A. o l d caugl~tmyself Lehave great expectations. lore I go1 h i s old.” Oll~crshave said, “I won- In the January Gmpevirre, Florence S. had an der if I wol~lcil~nvchat1 the courage to admit I article asking how the younger people might I)e wns nu nlcoldic nt your ogc.” If t l ~ r o u g ls~o n ~ c brought into the fold beforc I~ittingbottom. Illcasurc cull 11oi11lthe way lor otl~crs1 s h d bc I have been told that I unl one of the youngest, hoppy. My most clificult tosk is c o n v i n c i ~ ~ g the if not the youngest menlbcr of A.A. in the Unitcd “l)rosl~ecl”tho\ I an1 an aIcol~olic. States. I am 20 years of age ond have eight solid 1f tllcre arc othcr nicmhers of A.A. who ere as months o l sobriety behind me. I sullered quite o yourig or yol~t~gcr, plcase write to me as I would l i t of I ~ ~ ~ t l ~ i l i n l i o (Icfcat, ~ ~ , n d miscry in the like to exchange lelters.–J.A.L. .4 scvcn years I tlronk. 1 would like to suggcst tl~csepoirils to s o t ~ ~ c o n c wanting to explain A.A. lo sonic young person. ( 1 ) Expluie tlic con~paaionship,and c o m m o ~ ~ I)o~~cl of ulcol~olisr~~ that lies all A.A.s into “OIIC I~ig,I1i11)1)~ fanlily.” (2) Explain to hi111111ephysical side of alco. lllwcccssary niiscry 11olis111.S l ~ o whim l~orvI I ~ I I C ~ I COII I)c nvcrtctl.

(3) l’uke 1ii111to a ~ncctingand show him we ore not o b u ~ ~ cofl ~”sissies” o r temperance workcrs. ( I – ) Ilclp I ~ i m~ ~ ~ ~ ( l c r s lhat tn~ he~ d doesn’t losc his frecclonl 11111 gains a greater freedom than he 110scvcr k ~ ~ o w n . (5) ex plait^ h o t cveu tllo~rgh he hasn’t hit boll on^ 0s I~orclas solnc, he nwy still come and gct all t l ~ cI)c~icfitsof tlm 12 Stcps. (6) Ilclp hi111 ~.calizc lhnt h i s way of l i f e ‘will enricl~his outlook oil lilc ond pave llic way lo greater oc~iicvc~nc~ils.

May 1948

Young Men Solve Meeting Problems – — — – – – – .- – – P

From Snn Diego, Cali/. , things alcoholic when they were our age, there- The first meeting of the Young Men’s Group ‘ In the January issw of The A.A. Gmpeuicte fore tlley had to go down until their hand was was held October 31, lC)rlG, with six young men there is a letter from Florence S. of Forest Ilills, forced. We have beell fortullate in having the and 20 of the older men in attendance. The sec- N. Y., asking for suggestions for the younger subject discussed in almost each magazine we ond meeting saw 15 young fellows and 23 “old ages who need A.A. rcad these days. Their immediate fanlilies are .goatsw attending. The “old goats” stayed with In San Diego, this problem has been met by usually better established so far as understanding us for three n ~ o n ~ h s Ly, which time we l ~ a dsuch h e formation of the Young Won~en’sGroup (on- 60eS, hxausc tlley hnve heen lnarried for a much a large a~tcndanceit was necessary to form a new . . clcr 35), and the Young Men’s Group (under 4O), longer period* Tllc average young man is just ,l Ilcse groups ]lave Lccn very suc~cssft~l a11J beginning his family life and it is often harder meeting. Left on our own, we changed to roundtable type meeti~~gs and outlawed any applause . scem to have tapped a11 uncnding sourcc of IICW to get his wife to 60 along in the new way of life. A.A.s. , l h e young wifc is more apt to resent the I~usfor the speakers. The mwer men soon f o u ~ ~itd was quite easy to speak since it was no longer The young men seemed to have the idea, “IIell, I)and’s atkndance at closed meetings. necessary to stand in front of an audience. Also, if I was as old as John Doe, I’d quit drinking, The vast majority of our members are combat some df the quieter men found it easy to questoo.” It was d i s l ~ ~ ~ ~ to ~cn lister1 i n ~to veterans wit11 some horrible memories in their tion the speaker since it wasn’t necessary to adsomcone tell of 20 years of hard clrirlking, and minds. The older members have the same niemodress the cha{r. realize that we had five or ten years to go Leforc ries but time does do a lot to erase the strength we could even approximate the same low botton~. of such thoughts. Ollly a few of us have seen Questioning and general discussions led to These “old goats” gave us the idea we hod to , prollibition days, but a lot of us have put away . deeper explanations, better understanding and, llit several cures, try a few types of “goof balls,” a surprising amount of G I alcohol, de-icer fluid generally speaking, better working of h e A.A. arid have at least two or more t r i p to psycI~o- (that was what we distilled in the Air Corps, and Program. The younger fellows strike right at the pathic wards, before we werc ready for A.A. it wasn’t too bad then), saki, and other drinks heart of any problem placed before them, and It gave us the feeling we colllcln’t make t l ~ ePro- that are native to IIaweii, China, the Philippines IIeaven help the person who isn’t serious when gram because we hadn’t bee11 knocked around and 0 t h I’acific Islands. he offers a problem or question for discussion enougli. and possible solutiorr. We let our hair down in The younger man has an inherent cockiness The first accomplisl~mentnoted I)y the Y o u ~ ~ gtlmt givcs hian a bit of trouble once in a while. no uncertain manuer with no holds barred. There Men’r Group Boon became its strongcvt selling Tlle~eare quite a few r)roblcms tl~atconfront are times when we have asked for help from the point: It bad automatically raised. t l ~ clcvcl for the young man of today; problems that the “old older members because of their greater experitllc young man’s turning poiut. goats” must have had but have now forgotten. ence in handling some particular problem. , The older person’s p r o l h n s are greatly dif- l’bcse problems anti ninny others, we believe, can On the whole, our group has been a great success. Some of the boys have naturally dropped ferent from ours. There was no education on best he solved by a Young Men’s Group. by the wayside, but most of these have re-enlisted

in A.A. a n d a r e now doing a eplendid job. Wc have had quite a few drop out in favor of meetings nearer their homes, but this is a natural separation and we feel that our group has played a .huge part in selling them on this new way of life. The temporary win and lose columns of A.A. will show our group with an exceptionally high percentage in the win section. For almoat 17 months, our active member list has averaged about 50 men and the average meeting will find around 30 menhers attending. IIolidays have not affected our attendance. Rather, it has been found that the men are glad t h t their meeting will be held on the eve of a big holiday. The third Thursday of each month we open our meeting to the oldtimers and they are very ‘welcome guests. They do not speak unless the leader asks for any word they may have, or unless one feels he may have a message of special benefit for the group. All business discussion of any sort, clubs, parties or what have you, must be left until the A.A. meeting has closed for the evening. The only ironclad rule that ia never excepted: NO WOMEN. We “charter members” are’ very proud of our group and ib work, and’certeinly hope it will continue to grow long after we have passed on into the category of “old goats!’-W.B.A.

May 1948

Anotlier Youngster Front Shawnee, Oklu. I claimed to be h e youngest member of A.A. , in the United States until I read J.A.L.’s story in the March issue of The A.A. Grapevine. Believe it o r not, I started drinking at the age of six. 1 uln 21 11ow a i d lluvc I)CCII ill A.A. for about u year, a l t l i ~ u g h1 rcgwt 10 say 111at I Ilad a slip arlcr rliy first three 111ont11s.I Ixlicve that I was n i l ul(:ol~olicfro111l~irtlrI)ccause I liked the first think 1 cvcr took. 1 have Iwe~iill severul hospiti~lsfor ult~ollolis~li I l y tltc tilue I was 17 1 was tlrimk ruoic t l l n l l I was sol~cr. I mu now tllal~krdt l ~ i l tI I I ~ V Ca pcrsollal rclatiorisl~il~ wit11 God uutl tllc desire to drink has left. It i s itlclccd a miracle. I am giving my life to the jmcachiiig of IIIC (;osj~el. I an1 now n stirdellt at Oklulmnn Ihp~istSa~~iiiary.–fi.C.E.

April 1949

From Eleutlrera, Bahamas is a plea for alcoholics who, A Plea H E i F e myself, are young in ngc as well as drinking expe&nce. Perhaps I am merely over-scr~sitive or1 the For the Young subject, but it does seem to me that we are the children of A.A. who, like the well bred kiddies of little, red In Years schoolhouse days are expected to be seen (in ever-increasing quantities) but not heard. I do not mean that we are ignored; to the contrary. And that is my point. We seem to le looked upon as curiosities and are sentimentalized ourselves for 12th-Stepping these over until we have assumed an ini- young people in, while forgetting portance we just do not rate. If some- that we might be turning away muny how we could be accepted on a give- more because of the “listen to me my and-take basis by the older members children and you shall hear what you with records &ore dramatic than have been spared” attitude. If we ours! But the over-kindliness and pa- had listened to our elders we would ternal and maternal solicitude for us, probably not have become alcoholics to my way of thinking, is apt to arrest in the first place. When we join our develo~mentin A.A.; either that A.A. we arrive complete with IIIC or we are tempted to retire altogether same stubbornness which prevented with a promise to return in 20 years, our profiting from the experience of white-hbired, decrepit and drunk. elders in the past. So, when we do This is the age of realism. Most accept the 24-Hour Program and beof us are veterans of a thoroughly gin to climb the 12 Steps on wobbly real war and most of us never had a but determined legs, we do so because taste of the golden age of gilt edged of a firm desire to grow up and besecurity. We do not ask to be come mature individuals in A.A. No cushioned in A.A. or forgiven our one, however well-intentioned can do trespasses on the grounds of youth that for us. and international dyspepsia. We are My earnest belief is that we can drunks! profit immeasurably from the ex- During 27 months I have noticed perience of other A.A. members if an increase in young people joining we are accepted on a simple basis of A.A. but I often wonder if, perhaps, equality-alcohol and not age or we are not inclined to congratulate escapades being the criterion.-PJ.

w – July 1950 Youngsters ore members to attend the meetings of of a comparative age level. Memalcoholics, too – older-age groups, so as to foster a more rounded and stabilized type bers of this age group are facing the many sided problems of living the thirty- fivm of thinking about alcoholism and at relatively the same time and it and under groups the therapy of AA. is encouraging to know that other are helpful — Every member of Alcoholics Anonymous learns, after attendyoung people are hurdling similar difficultieswith success. Most im- ,

ance of the first few group meet- portant is the comfortable feeling ings, that the Twelfth Suggested which comes of being able to dis- Step is a most important one in cuss problems such as Marriage, the prolonging ,of his or her so- resumptionof studies,the inherent Bridging the A g e Gap briety. It is not easy for a young person in his early twenties or tendencies of alcoholism, its prognosis in relation to certain family ODAY, more than ever, people thirties to be of assistance to the situations and other factors which and having “Morning drinks” had are becoming aware and taking sick alcoholic who has been drink- might otherwise endanger sobriety. become strongly entrenched while greater concern with the serious- ing 20 or 30 years and many times It is important because of the feelthe alcoholic was still a college ness of ow major public health leads to dangerous comparisons ing of mutuality and the lack of student or in that age bracket. problems. Alcoholism, our fourth by the younger person. How much any taint of “Preaching,” “Paren- More, however, started to have largest Public Health Problem, has more useful this younger member tal-Counsel ling,” or “Scholasdifficulties such a s “Solitary more increasingly been brought be- can be when using his or heref- tic Pedanticism.” Drinking” and “Benders” quite fore the public mind. Many of the early in their business careers forts in ‘twelfth-stepping’ a person –I. B., Brooklyn, N. Y. taboos and myths former1y attached and resulted in the loss of jobs, to alcoholism are gradually being family, finances and other assets. supplanted with realistic thinking Alcoholics Anonymous has taken and serious attempts toward pre- a realistic look at the problem of vention and the arresting of alco- alcoholism in relation to young holism in its earlier stages. people. In the last three or four One of the most important myths years, groups whose specific aim that has been shattered is that is to reach the younger alcoholic young people, who are still in their have mushroomed throughout the twenties and thirties cannot be country. In New York City alone, suffering from this disease. The the Young Peoples Group better stories of numerous alcoholics, known as the “Thirty-Five and now members of Alcoholics Anony- Under Group” has grown from a mous, has proven that in a large mere handful in 1947 to its present number of cases symptoms of this membership of some 75 to 100 aldisease showed quite early in the coholics ranging in age from the period of active drinking. The pat- twenties through 35. This group tern of “Blackouts,” “Excusing augments the older and more estaba drink,” “Becoming anti-social” lished groups and encourages its

June 1953

or more in tl~c morning before 1 been searching for for such a long could get on tile bus to go to work; time, and I have found someone who some more in Hoboken before I could knew and understood this disease I A YOUNG go to the ofhce; I had my usual liquid am suffering from. To me, this is the lunch; and more at 5 P.M. Then I most wonderful thing of all, next to . got into trouble with the civil au- my sobriety, of course. AND SHORT thorities for .being drunk and dis- If there are any young people of orderly, and%was given a year’s pro- my age who may read this, and whose bation, which I am still sewing. lives had “become unmanageable, and SNORTER FINDS THE WAY Still, no trouble with the booze. were powerless over alcohol,” do as 1 A few months later, I quit the job, did-contact AA, either by younelf because my alcoholic thinking said I or through a friend. Here you will was being persecuted, as everyone find friends-140,000 of them–all IAnonymous. AMa young member of Alcoholics Rhode Island, and the law, both civil I am twenty-two. I wanted me to stop drinking. 1 went with the same problem: alcohol. If on a grand and glorious binge from you doubt that it will work for 3 * and military, stated that a person must admitted my defeat at the hands of be twenty-one to drink. My usual ex- December 29th, 1952 until February person in the young twenties, you alcohol on February 15, 1953, which cuse was that I was ignorant of the 15th, 1953. It was when I woke up know now that I am a walking, talk. was three weeks from my twenty- law, which I was not. Anyway, 1 after being in a continual blackout ing, living example that it does. How? second birthday. ‘ never got into any, trouble. Just that time, which was one of many. I still don’t know, and I doubt 1 My heavy drinking started six warnings. \. that I decided I had better do some- ever will. But here it is, yours for the thing about my drinking. I contacted taking. months after I was in the Navy. To During the next,two years in the me, all sailors drank, and I had to be Navy, I had two court martials for my police Chief, Mr. William B., How do we do it? Just by “sitting and asked him for aid. Next evening back, relaxing, and listening with an one of the boys. So-0-0-0, when I went being absent over leave, once for a on liberty with them, I drank just as period of twenty-two days and the three men came to see me. They told open mind” to whatever is said at the heavily as they did, if not more. If other one for attempted grand lac- me their stories and I figured if AA meetings. Just live for today and for these fair weather friends, as a few ceny, while intoxicated. I spent nine could keep these men sober after all today only. If you can’t seem to make that drinking, it could help me. it for twenty-four hours, do it for were, ordered a scotch and soda, I months in the brig, three months on twelve; or for six; or for three; or had to order double, just to show the absent over leave charge and six Since that time, I have at last found the power higher than ourselves, for however long you can …even if it them that I, also, could take it. months for the larceny charge. is a half an hour at a time! I did it Within the short space of six months, whom I choose to call God, and After my discharge from the Navy I was to appear before the Command- in January, 1952, I got myself a fairly from whom I had been away for that way for my first month. The ing Officer no less than twenty-eight good job in Hoboken, N. J. as a nearly five years. I am back again happiness, the friendship, that you times for intoxication. At that time, typist. My drinking became progres- serving him as an acolyte which I will find in AA is beyond meuure. we were stationed in Quonset Point, sively worse, and I had to have one had been doing for three years prior Everyone is your friend, whether or to drink; my family is again happy; no: you have a buck. They will help. but best of all, I am sober, which I and gladly, with any problem you had never thought possible. I have have, no matter how trivial. found that happiness which I had R. S., Wesl N. Y.,N. 1.

January 1954

A “young upstart” pleads

Don’t Change the Program!

S whetherof youus oltler OME newcomers wontlcr You lime shown us how to manage heads in Ah are our lives and regain our self-respect. surprised at the influx of damp-cared This thing you have done for us i s of youngsters into your groups. We have such cnormity we can never fully excome to you out of black despair and press our gratitude. you have takcn us in. LIut the alcoholic But don’t let us young upstarts ever misery we’ve endured i s short in meas- chang your program to “conform to ure, conipared to the decades of it you the times.” We trust in it the way it had endured. is-demanding, yet simple. We also Well, maybe we Iiaven’t got tlic ask you not to think there i s a gulf of stamina, dogged obstinacy, or cast-iron difference between your age and ours. girts you possessed, Old-Timer. Or You are radiating happiness and confimaybe the Jet Age is accompanied by dence to us. Success with the program supersonic drinking misery in yoltng has kept you young in heart-younger aIcoholics. But we’ve stepped out of than you may realize. And in a kind of the same hellish alcoholic treadmills ratio, ‘we young mcmbcrs have grown! you once knew. Jails and asylums and up with the help of the program. Skid Roads? Some .of us know ’em This i s to say we have attained a new well. emotional maturity. We know what it Now, by daily attention to your pro- i s to conduct ourseves as responsible gram, we have come to sense the pres- adults. ence of a God we can understand. Some That makes us both evcn, Old-Timer. of the air has khooshed out of our in- Help us and we’ll help you in conflated egos. I t has been replaced by a tinuing from there. working humility. h o n . , Snn Francirco, Calif.

May 1955

times a year. The doctors labeled me as “emotionally immature” e d visit thirteen months I stayed’in the SMF old pattern of drinking a&d ionfusion.,: ii I made. Each time I would l a v e the Then I thought if we moved t o on-., j hospital I would make faithful prom- other town I would be all right. A . ises that I would never drink again, new start, I said. I w;rsisure this was but as soon as things didn’t go exactly the answer. We moved but: I took myas I wanted them I would get drunk. self along. By this time:my alcoholim Then it was on the wagon, off the had reached an acute+’sta& and I was

r .! P you were to visit a tubercular sanstarium and hear a young patient say, “I’m.glad I’m tubercular,” you wagon, with the first little upset calling for that first little drink. I really put in another hospital, this time in a psycho ward. I spent seven’wedcr .in would probably be shocked. Yet I have did not dream I was an alcoholic then, this hospital but they codd~,nolbnd ..: and neither did my family consider my &My ti.., anything seriously wrong LWiwithth , valid revom for being happy with a problem an alcoholic one. A young problem was still “rmotiolial imrru- , J. disease which can be just as deadly as tuberculosis. woman of my age at my social level turity.” After this hospital I rrsumcd My introduction to John Barleycorn alcoholic? Impossible! But, of course, the pattern’ of ,drinking%nii running. . : was one of those things you call “love I know now that I was, right from One day the phone rang. It was m at first sight.” W e belonged together the start. old friend of mine ‘frbm’out.of town from the very start, and we remained As the months and years rolled by whom I had not seen in a long time. constant lovers for eight agonizing it seemed I could no longer tell the She said she was going to be in town truth. I had set up a pattern of thinli- for several days and would be out t~ I yean. .-.: I was nineteen years old when I took ing that was as impenetrable as a brick wall. I would tell needless lies see me. The next day we talked at first for .my fint drink. I was not visibly different from thousands of other young about myself rather than tell the truth hours about everything in the world coeds attending universities over the which would have been so much more but drinking. And then, I don’t know country. My sorority was socially tops. simple. I was sinking lower and lower what it was that qade mestell hcr’the . Mine was a good home environment. into the depths of self-pity; but, worse. story of ‘the livind hell I had known . I had every reitson in the world to be I was losing my own self-respect. the past few yqrs,’,but ‘1.did and her happy and I was happy—until I agreed After leaving school I decided that friendliness and interest were a worm to be a good sport and have just “one travel would be the solution. But welcome. She said she could unlittle drink.” every place I ran, I made a mistake: I derstand exactly what I. was going a

Within a year from the time I took took myself with me. And myself was through. Then she told me her story. that first drink, I had to have a drink not a very nice companion. The story of how she .had: come to in the morning to start my day. I had Travel having failed. I decided that Alcoholics Anonymous t h k pe3n Pgo. . also begun to try to hide the fact that settling down would be the answer. I sat for hours and listened. She I was drinking too much. At parties, Even before our marriage, my husband seemed so happy and.relaxed, so p w e – ‘ I was “on the wagon.” N o one knew was aware of my emotional instability ful and so alive. &’

.I had been well-fortified by numerous but wns at a loss as to what should be I went to my fint AA’meeting exstraight shots before I arrived. O r did done. Neither of us thought my symp- tremely confwd and p h y s i d y sickthey? In. my confused mind, my % toms marked me as an alcoholic, since The first weeks and months ‘in M moods, resentments and anxieties were we were no! accustomed to the thought were full of fear-and hope: I w ~ s . of alcoholism as a disease. The next fighting my way against the bottle.. , growing day by day. It wasn’t long before I was in and out of hospitals at least four or five

At first it wasn’t easy. Through the unhappy. I have learned ‘th?hthe past constant help of my AA friends, I is gone and the future is only 3 d r m . kept driving myself to those meetings. I know what I did yesterday is not I wsn’t alone. important, but what I do today is Suddenly I found I was beginning important. I no longer run away from to have what I called and referred to life. I can now live each day with an as my “good days,” about two good opportunity to help someone else who ‘ days every week. These good days my be suffering the same tortures I were filled with hope, serenity, a c l ~ did. I have regained my old friends mind and calmness. Then gradually and have made many new friends. those good days turned into good And best of all, I have learned to live weeks. I began to quit fighting every- with myself sober. thing, including myself. I began to Now I am twenty-seven years old listen and I begm to learn. and I am lucky because I am young . , I learned that I can live only one and have found this wonderful way of day at a time. If I want to feel sorry life and most of it lies ahead if 1 don’t for myself and let negative thinking take that first drink. . creep into my life, I can surely be Betty E., Dallas, Texdr

June 1958

YOUTH GROUP DISBANDS THE YOUNGPEOPLE’SGROUPof Boston, after a great deal of deliberation, has decided to disband. Ten years ago when the group was formed, there was a definite need for a Young People’s Group. Today, young people are well represented in most groups. We feel that there is no need for a specialized group. The group is happy to report that most of its original members are active in other groups. It is encouraging to know that young people can enjoy happy productive sobriety such as these original members are experiencing. Roy L., Winthrop, Mass.

A p r i l 1961

; For most alcoholics, the disease develops slowly and grows f insidiously. Here, it was a quick bonfire, searing keeping us home meant a little beer, My ambition dissolved. Though I ‘ ‘ a young life in a few months at least they knew what we were had never been a real brain in school, – . 8

A TEEN-AGE ‘. ;’HELLERa 0 @oB~ ~ASI’. drinking (they thought) and where. Some of the parents used to furnish the beer occasionally. My own pop, thinking he was choosing the least of available evils, set us up to more than one keg. I could always be counted o n f o r a solid C foundation. By the time I was sixteen, I struggled against bogging down to D’s and flat flunks. I got my, high school diploma by a,narrow squeak. When I was eighteen, an At my first keg party, being with older girl, a friend of our family and. an older crowd made me terribly self- a successful model, offered to get me conscious. I was frozen with fear that started in modeling. I stand about A T first I couldn’t see the idea of telling my story-the story of a girl who drank. Plenty of teen-agers was not unusual. There were a few kids who never drank at all, and lots who never carried it very far. But the 1 might do or say something wrong, and could hardly speak. And then, even before the beer keg was tapped, five-eight and weigh about 130, when in trim. It was at this time I was smuggling bottles into my room. Bloat bt-. are making a mess of this drinking average student in our crowd felt he Jack handed me a whiskey highball. gan (my weight zoomed from 130 to proposition, that’s sure; and plenty of had to try it at some point in his high I drank it quickly and nervously. 160) and any chance of a modeling well-meaning parents are only mak- school career. My own experiments If I had known a little more, I career slipped away. ing matters worse when they try to began when I was a freshman. might have spotted my trouble right Now I was living mainly t i drink. help. Somebody who has learned the The kids used to gather at a certain then. All my social problems van- Had I once been too proud to go out. ropes must speak out. ice-cream parlor-I’ll call it Nick’s. ished; I became relaxed and chatty with boys my own age? Now.I’d go I had to go the whole route. I took At about that time I guess I was prac- and, I thought, completely charming. out with even younger ‘ones if they. my first really full-length, full- ticing for bobbed-haired bandit roles; A long time afterward I learned that could get up a keg. The keg parties . strength party drink when I was four- I had a saucy, challenging approach this use of liquor to obtain social ease were all about the same. They’d set teen. At seventeen I was sneaking designed to attract the attention of is one of the indicator-symptoms of up the keg in the kitchen or living. bottles into the house under my par- older fellows. early alcoholism. On this same first room and get the radio or record- I ents’ noses and drinking alone in my The night life of the crowd that venture I experienced another prime player going; the old folks would. I room. When I was nineteen I made hung out at Nick’s revolved around symptom, the lapse of memory – a trudge upstairs with a newspaper and, my first pass at alcoholic suicide. I’ve the beer keg. In more ways than one, blackout. Next day I could remember a magazine or book, and try to prehad what they call auditory hallucina- our bunch was a fluid group-people nothing about the last four hours of tend they weren’t there. There’d be a, tions and I made Alcoholics Anony- were always moving away or drop- the party. little smooching and after an hour or: mous a t . the near-record age of ping out, and their places were taken It became a vicious circle. I’d feel so the squabble about lights on or, twenty-one. Not a long way past that by new faces. Most of the time there low. I’d get with the bunch and have lights out would begin. By that time. age now, I’ve lately become a mother were fourteen to sixteen of us, boys some beers that night and be “charm- I wouldn’t care, so long as I could see and hope to be a sober one. Wish me and girls. If seven or eight fellows ing.” Next day I’d learn I’d been so to make my way back and forth to , , well! chipped in two dollars apiece they the keg. loud and quarrelsome the crowd was Of course I can’t say how many could get a quarter barrel. glad when finally I passed out and My poor parents! They tried every- American high schools have drinking Parents, poor things, what could had to be taken home. Then I’d be thing, during all those years, to customs like those prevailing at the they do? I learned later that they used blue about that disgrace on top of straighten me out. Mother was always one I’attended. Talking with gradu- to have serious talks about the mat- whatever I’d been low about in the waiting up for me when I got home; ates of other schools leaves me with ter, and decided it was better to have no matter how late it was. She and, the impression that our local pattern first place–and so on, down and us home than running the streets. If Dad tried setting early hours by which down.

I had to be in, and prohibiting my and we pulled over to the curb. Joe going out at all. They tried lecturing jumped out and hauled me after him, and scolding and pleading and rea- and began to slam his fist into my soning. They took me over to the face. He’d knock me downsandthen church and had the clergy give me a pick me up and slam me again. When going-over. I finally he’d finished, I was so smashed Nobody else in our family ever had up they were afraid to take me home. any trouble about drink. My mother They threw me out at the end of our is,a teetotaler, never having had a street and I walked the long block to drink except just to taste, though she our house. I had no shoes. My mother ,doesn’t mind others enjoying it. My was waiting. brother can take it or leave it, and Next day they took me to the first usually leaves it. Ever since I’ve doctor I’d met who had an underknown him my dad has had a couple standing of alcoholism as a disease. of beers a day, never any more. Only I spent three long hours answering I have had the trouble. questions and working psychological During this period I fell in love tests. The psychiatrist made a diagwith an older boy, Frank, and when nosis of alcoholism and recomthe rumor started that he was en- mended AA. came back. The gang welcomed me finally restored in AA, that I was gaged to a girl from Syracuse I got I’m still close enough to the teens back, and everybody was happy. One hearing bells that weren’t really ringdrunk:On the following day I tried to remember the thought-patterns, day, miraculously, guess-who came ing and music that wasn’t really playsuicide for the first time. I’d heard and there’s one vein of teen thinking to call? The rumor about the Syra- ing. I came to my senses only after that if you took enough aspirin tab- I know to be quite common. Now I cuse girl had been false. another suicidal episode, in which lets they could kill you. I took forty- see how mistaken it is. I speak of the Frank and I were married before Frank found me in the bathroom with eight and only got a little groggier widespread theory that you have to my twenty-second birthday and had bleeding wrists. than usual, though they tell me it was do a certain amount of drinking to babies bang-bang-bang, one-two- There’s an AA saying, “Once an. a very dangerous thing to do. stay with the crowd; that you’ll lose three, boy-girl-boy. alcoholic, always an alcoholic, who The high school boys, though in standing, particularly with the oppo- It would be nice to be able to say cannot safely take the first drink.” some cases a little slow to shape up, site sex, if you don’t. I was deeply in I learned my AA lesson right away Now I know what it means. Of the were good boys. After a while, the grip of this notion and know how and never relapsed, but I can’t. We five years that have passed since my though, I fell in with a tough bunch strong it can be. It was only when I hadn’t been married many months twenty-first birthday, I’ve been sober From a nearby community. One night gave up drinking, as a matter of life- when we attended a wedding where more than four. With God’s grace I my friend Paula and I were out with or-death necessity, helped by friends champagne was served. I asked hope to live out my life that way. two of these boys, call them Pete and who understood, that I was able to Frank what he thought about my hav- People who know a little about my Joe. At about three in the morning, break free of it. ing a glass with him. Next morning I story sometimes ask, “But isn’t your Pete was driving, Joe was in the front I began to feel a wonderful new woke up at my mother-in-law’s case unusual?” seat, Paula and I in back. Joe passed freedom. The moment I stopped house, not remembering anything Several of us in Yonkers have been thedquart back and, after taking a drinking the bloat began to leave me, that had happened. wonderfully helped over this hump by drink, I had the notion it would be and in a few weeks I was back to my This was the beginning of many an “under twenty-five” group, made cute to throw the bottle out of the proper weight. Once I was eating and months of lontly, sneaky, apartment up of young people from a number of car. I did so. Joe told Pete to stop sleeping normally, pep and sparkle drinking that got so bad, before I was New York suburbs. There is Bob,

who, at twenty-two, spent two out of parents might be more helpful. After his three army years in the guard- all, some day I may have to deal with house, because of compulsive alco- it, as a mother. Some parents, I know, holic escapades. And dapper, good- have made matters worse for their looking Eddie, a returned hero of children by placing the whole busitwenty-three, who has had trouble ness on a moral basis. Now that my .adjusting to civilian reality. There is head has cleared a little, I can see Tom, our youngest, who at nineteen why that approach has not worked has already been sent home from two too well. No reasonable person would colleges because of his uncontrollable say that eating strawberries was imdrinking. There is pretty Babs, vet- moral, just because some people are eran of two serious driving accidents, allergic to them. The most a parent who was carried off in the emergency can do, it seems to me, is make the wagon, at the age of twenty-two, to facts about alcoholism available and have the alcohol and barbiturates let the younger person draw his own , pumped out of her stomach. conclusions. I’ve often tried to figure out how Anon., Yonkers, N. Y.

September

A Report on tinuous sobriety is four years and monplace among these AAs. There nine months. When they first came to were enough skid row alumni to form YOUTH GROUPS AA, two of these forty AAs were in their teens; twenty-two were in their twenties and fourteen in their thirties. a group of their own. Another could have been made up among the former reformatory students. Warden John Speaker after speaker told of C. Burke of Wisconsin State Prison, One of a proposed series of articles on dozens of arrests in their teen years. Waupun, greeted a number of his One girl had an eight-year prison former charges at the conference, inspecial interest groups in AA record behind her when she sobered cluding the chairman of the host up eight years ago, aged thirty-four. planning committee, who introduced When one thirty-one-year-old, sober the Warden, with a straight face, as eight years, said from the platform, “my former landlord.” The prison “I had my seventeenth conviction on official told one of the sessions that my seventeenth birthday,” no one in probably eighty per cent of the young the audience seemed particularly im- convicts in his institution have a pressed. drinking problem. Many had started drinking at Several speakers told of lying twelve, thirteen and fourteen. One about their ages. to get into armed said, “I was an alcoholic at thirteen, services: “because in uniform I on skid row at fifteen.” Another de- would have no trouble buying clared, “I know I was an alky at six- drinks.” There were frequent stories teen.” One girl said, “I was on the of broken youthful marriages: “I streets at seventeen, and knew then thought it: would settle me down.” I was an alcoholic.” So it wasn’t surprising to hear Commitment to mental hospitals speakers say-in private conversain their early twenties seemed com- tions-they felt puzzled upon first

Are “special interest groups” a good thing for AA as a whole, T ATTENDED the Fourth In~terna- British Columbia, and San Francisco, or a danger to our Fellowship? Why have they arisen? What’s the 1 tional Conference of Young California; from as far East as New outlook for their effect on AA’s future? t People in AA in Milwaukee this year, Yofk. Three Australian members, in Seeking light on-if not answers to-these questions, the I and interviewed everybody present I their thirties, sent their greetings and Grapevine has gathered facts and opinions on some of these , special groups. could pin down. About 250 AAs, Al- talks on tape. Anon members and guests attended How young are these AAs, really? One hundred and thirteen groups for women are listed in tnt the threeday meeting in Milwaukee. Among forty AAs who participated 1961 World Directory; forty-three groups described by name as AA groups for the whole family or for couples; fifty-eight groups AAs and Al-Anons of all ages as speakers or on the host planning for men; forty-seven miscellaneous groups. from the Milwaukee-Chicago area committee the average age is thirtymingled at the meetings with young four-ranging from twenty-two to ,Information about any one of them, it is hoped, will increase understanding of each of the others. AAs from as far West as Vancouver, fifty-two. The average length of con-

coming to AA to hear older members hol has done to your life that makes say, “You’re too young to be an alco- you eligible for AA.” holic.” Several reported being ad- Often these young speakers told vised to “go out and do some more of being tolerated within groups of drinking. You’re not old enough for older members, but never being given AA.” any AA jobs to do. “Even now,” said As one speaker put it: “I was leav- a fellow in his early thirties, sober ing one of my first meetings when I over three years, “when I’m sitting in overheard an older member remark, the clubhouse and a Twelfth Step call ‘I’ve spilled more booze on my vest comes in, they say I’m too young to than that young punk has drunk.’ go on it.” Probably he had,” continued the This lack of acceptance has also thirty-one-year-old good-humoredly, taken other forms. When a young “but it was the alcohol I had drunk, people’s group was formed in one not the liquor he had spilled, which city, an AA clubhouse used by sevmade my life unmanageable.” eral other groups refused to let the A twenty-eight-year-old, in AA young people meet in one of its three years now, demonstrated the , rooms, ,one young , “founder” reseriousness of his alcoholism this ported. “But .then,” added the memway: “My drunken escapades made ber with a youthful grin, “the clubthe papers so often that my first wife house found it needed money badly, began to speak of it as my ‘column.’ so they let us rent space after all. And Then they began not printing it, be- lots of them come to our meetings cause my booze troubles just weren’t now.” In fact, one fifty-five-year-old news in our town any more.” slipper attributes his re-grasp of so- He laughed when he recalled the briety to this “infant” group. “deep freeze” older members gave Such stories were told in private him his first year. He recalled one conversation, not in talks from the older man who had said, “Never had platform. And only in one of the the DTS?Sonny, go drink another ten forty people I talked to did I find anyyears. You’re no alky.” thing like anger about such treat- The youngster said seriously: ment. In that one case, the stinging “Once the older fellows started memory seems a goad that spurs this laughing when I told them about a young fellow into ferocious energy marriage problem I had. So, since for twelfth-stepping other young they assured me I couldn’t be an alco- guys. holic at my age, I decided I must by These experiences and reactions a psycho. I kept seeing a psychiatrist, are by no means universal among and drinking, for a whole year. Later younger AA members in all locali- I learned it isn’t how long you have ties, but they had a direct effect on a drunk, or how much, but what alco- number of those I talked to in Mi-

waukee. Younger members began twelfth-step lots of other younger ones can face them together and help If any quality besides enthusiasm banding together in their own groups. people, and when any of us goes to one another. That’s in addition to and love seemed a hallmark of the In some places, naturally enough, speak at another group, six or eight helping each other stay sober, which brand of AA at the Milwaukee getyoung AA groups were started with carloads of us go along.” must come first always, of course.” together, it was seriousness. Healthy, high hopes and flood-tide energy, but “Older people always did scare (In many ways, this was truly honest self-criticism, frank and open little stable or wise leadership. me,” one girl admitted. “I guess we more a “family” convention than self-inventory and wide varieties of Groups turned into social clubs, or just rebel more at our age, even in other regional AA conventions I have opinion, were evident constantly. other Traditions were broken, and AA groups. In the younger groups, attended. Many pretty, young, non- A thirty-seven-yearsld,’ sober six groups died. Thus, members of large, though, there is no temptation to alcoholic wives, active in local family years, summed up the value of healthy young people’s groups point compare my drinking with that of the Al-Anon groups, helped at every young people’s groups this way: out that in some areas the youngsters fellows who reminisce about bathtub stage in the planning, served as host- “We show younger alcoholics that may miss the encouragement and in- gin or speakeasies.” esses and guides, and talked at both they are not different just because terest of older, wiser members, and Others took a different tack. “My AA and their own meetings. One they are young. We show others that most attend other AA meetings, young group helps me with current family present had four Alateen you can be young, and alcoholic, yet where they find “immediate identifi- problems,” one fellow said. “As a members along. Its fifteen-year-old still be sober and happy in AA. Booze cation with other young alcoholics,” young guy I have lots of domestic, had painted the enormous, handsome doesn’t respect youth any more than as one man put it. professional and other personal blue-and-white “Fourth International it does age.” “We find activity,” said a thirty- problems. Choosing a career and get- Conference, Young People in AA” The Milwaukee conference helped eight-year-old who has been sober ting started in it, or starting a family, banner which decorated the main AA prove those facts in a big way and : nine years. “We are made members are not problems most older mem- meeting hall for the Milwaukee ses- must have carried the message to, : of the group steering committees, we bers are now facing. So we younger sions.) many other young alcoholics, or their..

I

{* ‘ – — .. t-7-

One twenty-three-year-old mother at first. I didn’t see any room in this friends. Both of Milwaukee’s big problems with other young people of daily newspapers ran many stories of two came to AA when she was outfit for a young man to ‘get ahead’ their own age.” eighteen. “I used to window-shop the -that is, get to be group secretary!” about “Young People in AA.” Some young members, as we have Local ministers and hotel officials fancy stores on Fifth Avenue, in New He laughs at that now. At the age of seen, claim that such groups made York, dead drunk, dressed in sloppy thirty he was chosen by the name-inalso helped, as did many older AA it possible for them to receive and members of the Chicago-Milwaukee blue jeans and a filthy sweat shirt the-hat method prescribed in “The maintain a sobriety they found im- with university letters on it, so people Third Legacy Manual” as one of his area. A Milwaukee clubhouse co- possible in other groups. Most of operated and so did the secretary of would think I was a college kid! AA state’s two delegates to the Eleventh them insist, though, that it is neces- is not for kids; it forces us to mature General Service Conference in New the Milwaukee Central Office. Both sary for any young AA to attend and I didn’t want to grow up. So I York. Illinois delegates to the Eleventh other meetings in addition to those slipped around for two years before Do the Young People in AA con- General Scrvice Conference sup- for young people. I really got sober. It happened in a ferences divert energy that could be ported the youth conference with Other speakers in Milwaukee de- regular group.”, better utilized in contributions to AA their presence. nied any intention to encourage the Of the thirty-nine AA speakers on Her husband was in trouble be- as a whole? Maybe so. formation of special groups. “We just cause of drinking at fifteen, swore off None of the young members on the program, only three talked spe- want to encourage the acceptance of cifically about young people’s groups, at eighteen because of “a car-theft the program in Milwaukee spoke of Young people in any AA groups. We charge.” Shaking his head wonder- service to AA as General Service or the Young People’s Conference do not favor any kind of AA segregaidea. Others told their own stories, ingly, he says, “I thought I was too Representatives, local Committee-. tion, by age or anything else. We do young t o be an alcoholic!” He men, or’G. S. Conference Delegates. as AAs do everywhere, or addressed not seek to divide AA, or set up any themselves to the three theme words sobered up in a group full of older (However, the Milwaukee Central separate organization. We just want members. Office Seqretary says local youngsters of the Conference: Gratitude, Obedi- to add an extra bond of fellowship ence and Devotion. His buddy’s first drinks were are avid GSO supporters.) There to the cement of AA.” morning ones. “I reached under the were no Grapevine Representatives But do the supporters of these Three young members in a New Canadian-American conferences of bed for the jug before I got up, in a or contributors among them. Little England state-who were not at the Summer work camp,” he said. “I was said of institutional work and young people in AA really advocate Milwaukee Convention-say they was fifteen years old.” Ten years later nothing about correspondence with the formation of more groups desig- have found no need for special young nated especially for young people? he came to AA and “slipped around loners; lack of information about AA people’s groups. as a whole and its Third Legacy As might be expected among any seemed on a par with what .I’ve found collection of good AAs, opinions in almost any other AA gatheringnot diier, and each seems to have a valid specifically devoted to those larger, foundation in its holder’s own indi- more demanding aspects of worldvidual experience. wide AA service. A pamphlet distributed at the Mil- There was at the Milwaukee gathwaukee sessions is entitled “Facts, ering, though, an unusually intense Aims, Purposes of Young People’s awareness of AA Traditions and the Groups in AA in the United States and Canada.” It declares: “. . . there need for Public Information activities by AA members. Newspaper reportis a great need for at least one young ers were especially well treated. Nonpeople’s group in every city so the alcoholic guests included the execu- . young coming into AA can get together once a week and discuss their tive director of the ChicagoAlcoholic

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Treatment Center, a prison warden, some of those present in Milwaukee, everything we can to encourage them, it or divide it. They taught me a lot, and a high school principal. A re- a permanent “Advisory Council” to help them communicate with alco- and I’ll be sentimentally grateful for habilitation counsellor of Chicago’s was formed there to help perpetuate holics they can reach and we can’t. a long time. police department was also present the youth conference idea and ac- They don’t need our censure. We One thing is certain: young people, by invitation. cumulate a body of guiding experi- owe them our love.” thank God, are coming to AA in in- On the value of special young ence. I felt quite at home among these creasing numbers. They hold the people’s groups, here is what one Two officers from each of the first younger members. I was impressed promise and the power of our future central office secretary from a large four conferences make up the Ad- by the quality of their sobriety, their leadership, and the older members city said: “These young people’s visory Council. They hope to estab- dedication to AA principles and must help them to utilize their youth, groups are the lifesavers of AA in our lish a permanent fund to insure the work, their determination generally vitality and great potential. area. They are actually open to mem- financial solvency of future confer- to add to AA, never to detract from B. L., New York City bers of all ages but the service jobs ences (incidentaily, all who went to in them are held by those under Milwaukee, even the speakers, paid thirty-five. It’s from these young their own way); set up their own people that we get most of the best newsletter and public information workers who keep our Central Office activities, and set up a permanent functioning. They’re the ones we can address for the exchange of informacount on most to take on Twelfth tion about young people in AA. Step jobs, institutional work and “We’re not a movement, or a breakpublic information tasks.” ing away from AA,” one conference One of the older “advisors” of the leader kept insisting. “Our primary Milwaukee Conference said: “We purpose is to help carry the message noticed in my regular group that to younger people.” young people didn’t stick with us, and Perhaps these young people have we had a meeting to discuss it one a genuine, valid need for a new AA night. We wondered if maybe it service arm, in line with our Ninth wasn’t our own fault. That’s why we .. Tradition: “. we may create servhelped establish a young people’s ice boards or committees directly regroup and now do all we can to help sponsible to those they serve.” Perthese conferences. You see, it’s great haps not. for us!” The member I know who has been The Milwaukee Conference had sober longest seems quite unperthree such advisors (“We spoke only turbed by such new developments as when spoken to,” grinned one of the young people’s conferences. He them), a practice established at the says, “Don’t forget, we have a selfsecond youth conference, in Chicago corrective factor in AA. These spein 1959, when the youthful sponsors cial groups either function in the of the get-together found themselves framework of AA, or they fold up. with some pretty tough problems to I don’t know what we have to be lick. afraid of, as long as we put ourselves Over objections and waminp by truly in God’s hands. We ought to do

November

Youth groups From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania: Congratulations to B. L. on a fine objective job YA Report on Youth Groups,” September]. The article was most interesting. I was fortunate to be able to go to Milwaukee this past May and found it very inspirational. I do believe that young people’s conferences are beneficial to all, that young people’s groups are an asset to AA and, that as the article says, “We just want to add an extra bond of fellowship to the cement of AA.” Being a member of the first Young People’s Group in the world I can honestly say that it was in my group that I found the path to a new life. D. C.

January 1 9 6 2

feel the same way. husband that she had tried to per- We read the pamphlets. We bought suade her husband to take her back, the books and read them. We kept and he had refused. going to meetings, and we met But Laurie talked less and less people. Being married, and desiring about the program, and more and to remain so, I concentrated on learn- more about her great love for Joe. ing my ABCs from the women, but Then came the quarrel. After that ‘ Laurie gravitated toward the men. came tears and hysterics, the frantic This seemed natural enough to me. making-up, then more quarrels. She was lonely and she was free. She didn’t want advice, she wanted Sometimes Cupid’s darts However, there were murmurs sympathy; but I suggested that she from a couple of the women who stay away from Joe for a while and hit the wrong mark were giving me a helping hand – concentrate on AA. After that, I mutters about “emotional involve- didn’t see her or hear from her for a ment” and how it could be a stum- few weeks. Finally, she turned up at a bling block to sobriety. “Romance is meeting with a black eye and a swollen

“I. FLAURE just wouldn’t drink,” said her friends, including me. Anyone could see that Laurie back. I said I didn’t know; I was busy trying to hold on to my own husband. After some verbal sparring for the one word for it,” said one of my jaw. She and Joe had gone on a binge counselors. “There are others.” together. He had turned out to be a “What’s suddenly so wrong with rough customer, she complained a and drink didn’t mix. After that right opening, I told her I seemed to romance?” 1 wanted to know. real nasty drunk. second or third martini, Laurie be having a problem with alcohol, “it can be dynamite for the new It was the end of the romance, turned into a Miss Hyde. Whether and my doctor (and my husband) person,” I was told. “Emotional up- needless to say. But from then on, she was at a cocktail party, at a wanted me to try AA. sets. Rejections, maybe. Resent- Laurie was unable to maintain any restaurant, or at home, she informed 1 could almost hear the stunned ments. Slips.” length of sobriety. She kept grabbing all within cannon shot of her hus- silence at the other end. Then: “But Discreetly, I tried to convey this at this man and that, hoping each one band’s shortcomings, many of them you never drank much.” definition and the admonition to would make her both happy and intimate. At the finish of this recital, “Oh yes, I did,” I said. “I sneaked Laurie. “Oh, pooh,” she said. “I sober. None of them did. she would darkly hint at Reno. it.” know better than to get involved. I Laurie packed up and left town. I Sober, Laurie was a good kid. She Another long silence. Then: “I simply enjoy talking to men, that’s had brief notes from her now and was attractive, intelligent, and warm- used to sneak it, too. 1 wonder – all.” then as she moved restlessly from one hearted. But she seemed to be sober would you mind if I went to AA with Nevertheless, it wasn’t long before city to another. She had given up AA, less and less. Finally, she threatened you? ” Laurie was going to meetings with she wrote. She was trying religion, Reno once too often, and her hus- “Swell,” I said. “I hate the idea of one particular man. Then, they began health diets, Yoga. band bought her a one-way ticket. going alone, and there’s a meeting to date steadily. He seemed a nice 1 don’t know what she’s trying Three months later, Laurie turned tomorrow night in our neighbor- enough fellow, good-looking, well- nowadays. She never writes anymore. up again. She phoned. She said it was hood.” dressed, around her age. He had been Since Laurie, 1 have seen the same marvelous to be free and she had a So it was that Laurie and I came to sober for a year in AA, and to me that mistake occasionally repeated by wonderful new job in view. A week AA together. After our first meeting, meant he was as solid as Gibraltar. other women with other men: too , later, she phoned again. The job had I knew 1had come to the right place. I Surely, I thought, he would be good much, too soon; misdirected erne , fallen through, and she wondered if I wanted what they offered, and 1 for Laurie – for her morale, any- tional drive. Most times, it just thought her husband might take her wanted it badly. Laurie seemed to how, because I had learned from my doesn’t work out. We are sick f e

males when we arrive in AA – sick lives and correct all of their faults in a emotionally as well as physically, few weeks? They can’t – of course mentally, and spiritually. Most of us they can’t – but they can begin, and have little, if any, good judgment that’s all they are asked to do. left, and even less sound reason. When 1 first came to AA, 1 heard Now, anybody knows that when an older member state the things that doctors discover that their patients AA was not. It wasn’t a loan agency; have tuberculosis or diabetes, they it wasn’t a lonely-hearts club nor iin seek to bring the disease under con- employment bureau. Yet there are trol; and until it is under control, the many newcomers who are desperate patients are under daily supervision for money, romance, jobs. And for and must follow the doctors’ orders. many the greatest need, beyond the “First Things First” means arresting urgent need to get sober and stay that the illness, before a patient under- way, is love. Many of us have not takes anything else. known love for a very long time. It seems to me that the same proce- Many want it but have not the slightdure applies to new “patients” in est idea how to give it. AA. It requires time, effort, patience, In my own h e , most of the trouto bring our disease under control. It ble in my life stemmed from one takes time until we can safely pick up source: my self-centeredness. In AA, the-threads of “normal” living. As I I have found 1am not unique. We all see it, the trouble stems from the fact suffer from this defect, in a greater or that we recover physically long before lesser degree. To my way of thinking, we recover emotionally. This physical self-centeredness can foul up any recovery fools us. Because we feel relationship, and particularly a love better, look better, we begin looking relationship. We have to grow to the around for rewards for all our hard point where we consider the other work. person’s good, the other person’s This is the time to watch out for needs. So let’s try to be patient; let’s trouble, the time to remember that go after sobriety and let love find us attractive covers can conceal a gar- in its own time, when we are ready to bled and only half-written book. It give and receive it. has to be rewritten many times before There are a lot of happy endings in it is finished. A writer will often AA. Many members find love, marry discard most of his or her material each other, live contented lives. For and start fresh. Even then, it will not my own definition of love, I like the be perfect; it will be merely a step- one offered by a psychiatrist, Dr. pingstone of experience toward writ- Erich Fromm: “Love is the active ing another and better book. So why concern for the welfare and growth should sick, confused human beings of that which is loved. . ..” think they can rewrite their whole F. c.

January 1962

Re: Youth Group report From La Pbrte, Tex.: I sure liked the report on Youth Groups by B. L., New York City. At sixty-one I say it is a good thing for the younger set to have groups of their own. I never did enjoy spending all my time at Gramp’s house, but when I paid him a visit once in a while, we both enjoyed it. J . C . S.

April 1962

Since I no longer have the faintest AA meeting or talked to an AA compulsion to match stories with friend for some four years. Technianyone, I have had some second cally I had amassed thirteen years of I WAS TOO thoughts about this “out” I gave myself. Somewhere in the AA literature sobriety. But what did I have to show for I read recently that effective Twelfth it? Superficially: scars. I had in- YOUNG Step work of any kind is one of the gauges we have of our spiritual decurred defeat in every department of my life. I had pursued and failed to velopment. I am inclined to accept achieve all the false prizes in the this. Child-like Faith is a pretty book, and a couple of the real ones, fully to grasp thing, and rare, and I am grateful and in the course of pushing myself that I had it, but it wants a bit of toward goals I did not attain-and the Program. Then, after 13 years o f reinforcing as time bumps along and collapsing when I didn’t-I had the road gets a little rougher. broken my health mentally and, to sobriety, there came a 12th Step call Perhaps partly as a consequence some extent, physically. of a lack of this particular kind of This “breakdown” occurred about growth, and bccause two of my

w a year and a half before I returned HAT I have been taught by life it (on my good days I am awed closest friends in the Fellowship de- to the program and it is not what of grief and loss, and even the still). It was easy for me to turn over cided it was not for them, I drifted brought me back. In fact, I made no experience of guilt, has come to me my will, which had proved non- away. It was an unpremeditated, connection between my sick tensions not as a by-product of drinking but existent, to a power greater than my- gradual separation. My reasons for and the lack of AA in my life. I did as part of being sober; not in the self which had worked, in one day, sticking around and going to any one conclude, howevcr, that eight years years that came before AA but in a wonder I had not been able to ac- particular mecting seemed to have of a supposedly terminated analysis the years after I joined it. This is not complish by myself in one year. evaporated; I had done my stints as had gone a little wide of the mark. how the story is supposed to go, but I t was a joy to me to listen t c ~ secretary of one group and treasurer The psychiatric authorities to whom it’s my story and that’s how it went. stories of recovery told by people of another. Drinking no longer both- I repaired rather indignantly with In part, this was a result of timing. with eight, ten and fifteen years of ered me; I found there was plenty of news of this failure, declined to enter My actual career as an active alco- sobriety, for this gave me courage fun to be had in the world without into the guilt for it with me, And I holic was over almost before it be- and hope that my recovery would a glass in my hand. I was starting to declined t o e n t e r i n t o f u r t h e r gan, and certainly before I had a last too. But when it came time to work very hard in my profession, therapy. I just stopped believing in chance to find out much about the give away what had been given to which is writing. And I was going it. (For me.) rest of living. I started drinking at me, I ran into a snag. I felt inade- to an analyst five times a week to This left me in the unenviable but sixteen, was drinking alcoholically quate when it came to carrying the straighten out my personality diffi- interesting position of being slightly by the time I was nineteen, and threw message and twelfth-stepping strang- . . culties. Loyalty-as childlike as my nutty, knowing it, showing it and dein the towel three years later at my ers. I put this down to the fact that Faith-would have forbade me say- ciding to let the condition heal itself. first AA meeting. In the course of I was so young (it was not as usual ing so, but I really think I felt I had Insofar as physical health is conthat meeting and the many that fol- then as it is now); and to the fact outgrown the need for AA. cerned the decision was hazardous. lowed, I was relieved entirely of the that the high bottom nature of my At any rate, when I came back to. But perhaps it is questionable what compulsion to drink. drinking made it impossible for me the program last fall after my long mere physical doctoring could have Relief from this obsession seemed to match stories with the people I was absence which surprisingly did not accomplished at that point without a miracle to me and I was awed by trying to help. include a slip, I had not been to an some psychic and emotional change. .

In an attempt to grasp at reality are calamities which come under the have described? And once I wanted ing health-mental and physicalin some form, I took the first job that head of natural disaster. Such a it, what defense was there left against restored order, even productivity in came my way. It was like trying to calamity overcame a very dear fiiend that first drink? By my own admis- work, although in coming off cloud drive a car with several teeth missing of mine in the form of a sudden fatal sion, I had no defenses. seven as in coming off a drunk, these from the gears. It left me open to illness. Seeing the life of a loved one Except that once upon a time I are the first indications of progress, rejection by the people who had cut short shocked me into re-evaluat- had been taught these words and and welcome ones. I am referring to hired me. And this occurred. I t was ing my own. Just being alive became made them my own: “We admitted inner events which are affirmative: an experience without satisfaction of important. I began to pray again and we were powerless over alcohol . . . the identifying and relinquishing of any kind and the reality I sought to to think in terms of the survival of that our lives had become unmanage- attitudes which block growth, and embrace receded farther away. the spirit rather than the revival of able. Came to believe that a Power which match all outward progress In some desperation I rented an the ego. If I still did not seek mean- greater than ourselves could restore with mounting inner strain. office away from my apartment in ingful human help of the kind that us to sanity. Made a decision to turn In my case the most hurtful and order to try to get myself on a day- was needed, at least I became ready our will and our lives over to the insistent of these was the pursuit of time schedule instead of missing for it. And then help came. Someone care of God as we understood Him.” happiness as a goal in itself, an inevery third night’s sleep which had I knew socially turned out to be wor- I think that this admission, this be- sistence upon personal happiness as become almost a habit. I tried to go ried about a drinking problem, lief and this decision survived in my if it were my due. By attempting to back to writing for myself, some- wanted AA and called me. heart-part of AA that I did not let go of this last obsession I have at thing I had avoided. All that I man- I have come to look on this as one know was there, a bond that was last been introduced to the experiaged were scraps of things-an occa- of those AA miracles you read and felt but not understood which kept ence of trying to live my life on a sional poem, notes for longer work. hear about. Apparently there had to me safe. And that by ignoring or twenty-four-hour-a-day basis, an ex- This was a sort of faltering first step be a drinking problem somewhere simply not comprehending the other perience which has brought me a in the direction of re-establishing on the horizon to get me to an AA nine Steps of our program I fell into very new peace of mind. Who is to identity, if not contact, with the out- meeting. Surely it is the Grace of error and paid a certain price. say that this is not the beginning of side world. God that it was not a drinking prob- But affirfnative events of the past happiness? It feels like being happy, At this point the outside world lem of my own. What else could pos- year have convinced me that al- lately, much of the time. Sometimes contacted me with a vengeance. All sIbly explain my not wanting to take though “cafeteria style” selection by giving up the dream we make our woes are not self-induced; there a drink under the circumstances I among the Twelve Suggested Steps room for the reality. And I have had works for sobering up, to remain enough of phantasy to last me for a truly sober I must try for the whole lifetime. program. I cannot possibly make it. I think it is only the most elemen- But my deepest need is to try. And, tary justice that this surrender was this above all, regular attendance at not without pain, this relief did not ‘

the meeting of my choice is the rock come overnight, and this change, on which I stand. most devoutly to be wished, could By “affirmative events of the past not be observed in the twinkling of year” I am not referring only to the an eye. outward signs of life such as return- E. M . V., Manhattan, N . Y .

December 1962

accepted that I was an alcoholic I felt the first big relief, as I had finally accepted myself for the first time. My next jolt came when I realized Too Young To Be Alcoholic? there were other people. These people had to be met sober. I was so used to having a couple of drinks when “Not so,” says this 21-year-old sober two years, having an obligation to meet, that the thought of holding a conversation a n d adds: “That might be a dangerous remark.” was almost too much. At mv very first meeting a woman said she hab always felt she had a wall between purpose and a goal. By daily asking ANY times in meetings I hear lucky? Here’s my reason for thinking M people say “I was introduced to this program when I was younger, I am perhaps one of the most fortunate. herself and other people. I was so amazed, because this was what I had felt, I also expressed disbelief that God’s will and the power to carry it through, I found my Higher Power hadn’t left me as an empty vacuum. but-.” I would like to say that I My first break was right off the bat. this woman really had this problem. This, the Eleventh Step, has changed came to AA when I was twenty-one I had to make a decision-was I or She seemed to express herself so well my attitude toward life. I know that years old and have had two years of was I not an alcoholic? This was not and seemed not to hesitate in what whatever I am doing, wherever I am, ‘ happy and wonderful sobriety. You my doctor’s decision, was not the she was saying. So I learned that I that is the best possible place for me see I feel so fortunate that I do have decision of people in AA. Incident- was not alone. I had felt so cut off because it is God’s will for me. I can the rest of my life to work this pro- ally, quite a few will try to tell you from others; felt that God had given relax and be myself because I no gram. that you are not an alcoholic. It’s me so little and yet I always wanted longer worry about the other two When I was a newcomer to AA, probably one of the greatest disserv- to do so much. I found that most thousand tungs that might be the people used to tell me how lucky I ices one alcoholic can render another, people in AA felt this way. In this “way.” The very fact that I am here was that I didn’t have to go through regardless of age. Because only the knowing I rejoined the human race. is enough proof to me that this is what they did. At first I resented this, person with’the problem knows. One My problems, my feelings of inade- where I belong. The moodiness, the because I, too, was shaky as they should be only an authority in his quacy (things that caused so much feeling of one day wanting to jump were at their first meetings. My mind own battle with the bottle. guilt) were just part of being human, out the window and the next day couldn’t seem to grasp the speakers So I first made the big decision- and all humans, not just me, have being up in the clouds, i s gradually ideas. I resented the fact that at Yes, I was an alcoholic, I could not their failings. In finally accepting that diminishing to where each day seems twenty-one I could not drink so- go on like this, I could not stand liv- I was an alcoholic, I don’t think I gratifying and an accomplishment. cially; this seemed to leave me out ing and naturally felt quite incapable have ever felt more normal. Needless To practice these principles in all my of “the crowd.” That two years pre- of coping with life. I remember my to say I am finding the wall is crum- affairs is my daily goal and is my vious to coming to AA, my med- doctor telling me that I always had a bling, that at last I can stand at a answer. I find that I am so busy livical doctor told me I was an alcoholic; choice-I could make the best of a meeting and identify myself as an ing that drinking very rarely occurs that I was allergic to alcohol; that situation or I could be resentful, alcoholic, that I am one of you. to me. So this is why I feel proud and psychologists had refused to work hating my life and what I represented. And last, and the most important, fortunate, that I do have the rest of with me under “those conditions.” This has helped me more than any- is the thing I had searched for in the my life to work this program and to And at last in an unsuccessful at- thing else-the knowledge that by bottle. I found that life had meaning share my life with the nicest people tempt at suicide I wound up in a my choice or my attitude, I make my FOR ME. That I was useful, that I know-alcoholics. psycho ward. So really why was I heaven or hell. I think when I first through the Twelve Steps my life had Z.C., La Jolla, Calif.

June 1963

Lucky youngster, or patronizing oldster? done and the people I had hurt, let From Indianapolis, Ind. : alone the bodily harm I had done to When I first entered AA I was myself. The times I was jailed, the quite disturbed by older members. barroom brawls, etc. I felt cheated They would come up to me and give because they thought that I hadn’t me the usual hand shake and smile. undergone t h e i r experiences. I Then the question would come. thought, brother, if they just knew! ”HOWold are you?” Well, I have had some bad experi- I would redy nervously, “Twenty- ences, experiences that I’m not-proud two, sir.” of. I have hurt people so bad that Of course you know their reply! they may never forgive me and I “You sure are lucky that you couldn’t blame them one bit:But in entered AA while you’re young.” any case I will try my best to make Well, this would make me mad for amends to everyone that I hurt. a moment! In that moment thoughts I have only been in AA for a few would go through my mind at a speed months but I am learning something unbelievable. at every meeting. I would remember the things I had Now when someone says, “You sure are lucky to find out while you’re young,” I don’t get mad. I just chuckle to myself and say, “You’re right.” I know now that things could have been worse or gotten worse. So I thank everyone in AA for my sobriety these last few months and I thank God that I am alive today! D. C . W.

October 1964

how I had arrived there. And so I able to continue this constructive was forced to face the truth -a life, for I will be helping others in truth I had known for some time but need, and others will be helping me, would not admit-I was an alco- and above our help there will be the holic in deep trouble and I needed strength of God-my Higher Power. help. With this strength I expect to find a I had to return home and ask to happy life and peace of mind. It has be placed in this hospital. Now two not been easy and I have lost my and one half years later I am still babies completely, but I have gained here. It was hire that I found AA. something that I did not have be- I am now living soberly and care- fore coming here -self-respect. It My name is fully twenty-four hours a day. When is with the help of AA that I found I leave here, by getting in touch with it. an AA group elsewhere, I should be W.I . P., Missouri

WILMA I

I I AM only twenty-three years old. two children, but this was not pos- I have lost my entire family and sible, because I was soon drinking I am in an institution, yet I now feel more than my husband ever had. A that I have a future ahead of me. drunken maniac beat me up, break- My life has been turned over to a ing my jaw in four places. I was ~ I

Higher Power, through the help of thrown into jail where I stayed for AA. five days while my broken bones I I drank for several years with my were being wired together. At this alcoholic husband. Then I left him point the law found that I was not a because of his drinking. I thought fit mother and so took my children that I could handle alcohol, that I from me. This depressed me so could drink or not, whichever I much that the moment I was rechose. I called myself a social leased I sought my only comforter,

1 drinker and I believed it. It took the bottle. I drank constantly for time for me to discover and admit three months, afraid to sober up and that I could not handle alcohol. By face my problems. the time I found this out I was When I came to my senses after powerless to break away. the frightening terrors of the DTs, I When I left my husband I had found myself twelve hundred miles planned to work and support our from home and with no memory of

February 1966

and through all this, love- love as thanks it was only a matter of one can only be shown by a child. day. That day I called up AA. Two When I could get up from my members came over on the follow- own private hell, I went back to AA, ing afternoon and took me to my and that time I did it by myself. The first meeting. They were accepting girls, my husband and my houseme as the sick person I was. They hold could wait. Everything had the were kind, nice and friendly. How- second place, after my sobriety. ever pity did not exist there. And then, after nine months of The days that followed were a my returning to AA, I received annightmare. I walked and started per- other wonderful gift. I had a son. spiring. I could not pray; my mind And strangely enough, through this I Can Keep M y Head High could not be quieted for a long time. child I started really understanding My hands were shaking. My legs the AA program. were weak. I felt as if my eyes were When I came home from the hossays one y o m g drank from the time I got up until going to go thrrough my skull. I had pital, he was completely dependent I fell in bed again, or until I was put a restless sleep. Each nervous fiber on me, in the same way I had en: mother who come to in bed. This nightmare lasted four of my body screamed and I had to tirely been dependent on AA at the years: cocktails in the morning, at stamp my feet to make the blood beginning. He learned to crawl, as noon and at night! circulate again. I had during these first unbearable During the last year of my drink- The girls and my husband tried days. He learned to sit up, listen, ing I lost many pounds, and I acted to understand me, but they could observe and know, as I did in AA.

w HEN I was a little girl, my father used to give me beer often; he said it was good for me. I think I started my alcoholic initialike an automaton. I was afraid of everything. To open the door, I had to hide my cocktail. I thought that talking to my neighbors had to be not. My AA friends told me to eat. I had to force myself but I did it. They told me to increase my intake of sweets and candies, and I also He learned how to walk – and he fell -just as I had fallen when I came to AA. I picked him up, as AA did when I got drunk. tion when I was fourteen. I got mar- an outdoors activity, so that they did this. They told me to keep in Now my son is learning that the ried at eighteen and this was only would not smell my breath. To go touch with them, to read the Big world is bigger than his home, as I another step in the procession: mar- shopping at the market, I needed a Book and the literature. I also did learned (through the suggested riage and beer! My husband always drink. To have the courage of at- this, and I enjoyed it. Twelve Steps of AA) that I, once a had a good job, thus I had money tending a parent’s meeting at my For three months, I went regu- drunk, can be accepted in the world. available for my switch from beer to daughter’s school, I needed a drink. larly to the meetings and stayed so- I can keep my head high. My soul is what I thought was the most won- Even to go to church, I needed a ber. But then it happened. I started clear and my heart clean. I know derful drink in the world: the drink. feeling nobody loved me at home. that as long as I am with God and Manhattan! One August morning, my nine- Nobody was encouragingly patting AA, I will walk with his grace with- After ten years of marriage, I had year-old daughter came in and me. Nobody was seeing this new in me and be protected by AA’s two daughters and I had started asked: “Mommy, have you been and glorious me. Well, I got drunk love and friendship. thinking of reducing my drinking. drinking again?” I hope I will never (on Manhattans, naturally). This What else can 1 ask for? Yes, However it only became worse. I forget the look on her face: fear, was not “a slip,” because I do not thank God for being a recovered turned into a continuous drinker. I desperation, anxiety, pity, shame believe in such a thing; one thinks alcoholic.Anon., Medellin, Colombia the drink before having it. I give

April 1966 i – ‘ i

An alcoholic’s own story vironment of their home added asked me to talk at a meeting in much to my dilemma. But I didn’t Brooklyn. A week later I was incare and I was happy to be in their vited to speak at a man’s fifth annicompany. I continued to drink and versary. However, my sponsor has it was getting worse. suggested that I not speak too often. Some months ago this couple I am now fourteen years old but mentioned AA to me. I never heard appear much older than my age. I h of AA. And I told them that I was attend AA meetings four or five too young to be an alcoholic. They times a week. I go to school regu- M Y NAME IS MARY were going to meetings and bring- larly now and I enjoy it very much. ing home literature for me to read. According to Dr. Marvin A. Then they asked me to go to an AA Block, Vice-president of the Nationmeeting. I .. al Council on Alcoholism, “. chil- At my first meeting I was intro- dren find their responsibilities overduced to one of the speakers whose whelming, and if they haven’t been story had a slight resemblance to trained to handle them, they often mine. He took me under his wing resort to the alcoholic method of and brought me to many AA meet- escape.” I used that method for a I STARTED drinking when I was eleven years old. 1 lived with my mother and my grandmother. My at my house. They would very seldom find me at home. I got into trouble with the police ings. I followed his suggestions and fatherly advice. Every time I got long time but now I feel very much relieved because 1 have. found AA. father died when I was a baby. My and I was placed on probation. My upset or had a problem I would call I have found an entirely new way mother was born with a speech de- neighbors tried very hard to have him up. I was very much confused of life, and I only hope that this is fect. 1 am the only child and I felt me put away but I was “needed at but each time he would put me back not a dream because I am afraid to it was my duty to assume all respon- home.” Why was I “needed at on the right path. wake up in a world of darkness. sibilities. 1 hung around teen-agers home” when I didn’t do anything A short time ago I attended a I sincerely hope that my story who were much older than myself. to help the two persons I ,loved? I meeting out of town. Much to my will be of some help to other young From them I learned how to would hold wild parties in our three- surprise, I was asked to say a few teen-agers with an alcoholic probdrink. 1 was introduced to goof balls room apartment and the neighbors words. I spoke for about five min- lem. 1 only know that by submitting and cough medicine. It wasn’t very would call the police. utes and 1 honestly do not remem- my story I have helped myself a long before I discovered that alcohol As I got a little older, I depended ber what I said. great deal. and pills would solve all my prob- more and more on the bottle of A few weeks later my sponsor Mary L., Brooklyn, N . Y . lems. 1 found that it was a heavy whiskey. 1 was now getting to the burden for me to take care of my point where I would drink just to mother and grandmother. seek oblivion. My problems disap- As my drinking progressed, I dis- peared temporarily when I would go covered that my whole world was into a blackout. How could a perin a bottle of whiskey. I attended son, thirteen years of age, have school only three months a year. I problems? would hide the bottle in my desk I was now baby-sitting for a and take a drink at every opportu- young couple, who, by their own adnity. The truant officers were always mission, were alcoholics. The en-

August 1966 4′ ‘ t

so grateful that I was putty – and ing passed out or so oblivious of lost nearly $300 which was never everything that 1 didn’t care. By the returned. After that experience, if end of those eight months I couldn’t An alcoholic’s own story I was not a cynic before I suddenly even get jobs I didn’t want. became one. But finally, I did get a job, again with the money and title I wanted. Bitterness When I got it I was so grateful that After working at a job which I I was a real fish. Whatever I was hated for nearly two and a half asked to do I did. I stayed many years I quit it and went to college. hours overtime without pay. My I drank throughout college but boss was nice for awhile but finally didn’t think very much about it. I turned mean. I had liked her, and felt gratitude for the job; now I was I BELIEVE that if there is such a thing as an alcoholic personality I had it long before I ever started to graduated in 1961 hoping to find a job doing some sort of writing. I found that my only real assets were deeply hurt and I sought the usual answer for an alcoholic – drink. In drink. My parents separated in typing and stenography -which I August of 1964 I got drunk in a 1957 and I was glad because my had had from high school. I had way that involved not only myself father had made life miserable for entered college bitter, I came out but other members of my family both my mother and me. However bitter, and continued to feel ever- unpleasantly and from that time on from that experience I developed an increasing bitterness. I got a job until I came into AA in 1965, I overwhelming hatred for my father and the world. It seems to me now Theresa which I really didn’t want and it lasted three months. I got a tempodon’t think a day went by that I didn’t think of suicide. It really that at that time the world stopped rary job and was fired from that. I bothered me that I just didn’t have and I got off; I never again felt got another job then, a rather good the nerve to take my own life. “with” anything or anyone until I job with the kind of money and title Beginning of the end came into AA in January of this that I wanted but the pink cloud (if year. it may be called that) lasted until The day came when my mother When I was about fifteen I had a on these weekends except to drink. I found out that in this company sat across the table from me and very bad cold. A girl I went to I had an aunt, uncle and cousins raises and advancement were un- cried because of the condition I was high school with told me that a shot in Connecticut. I began to visit heard of. My drinking picked up in and the more she cried the more of whiskey was the thing. I not only them. For the first time I began to here and I started losing time from I drank. During my last drunk, took a shot that night but my mother see what it was like to belong to a work. I lasted a year there and got which started out with my intending had to help me to bed. I don’t re- family. They all drank, so I drank. fired. Then was to follow eight to take “a little” blackberry brandy member drinking again until I fin- I felt this was the thing to do. I months of unemployment; I started and ended up by my taking the ished high school and started to couldn’t belong unless I drank. drinking during the day. I would go whole quart plus some of a pint of work. Then the party weekends As I look back I remember al- for interviews in the morning and whiskey (even though I was dreadstarted. I went away on weekends ways feeling lonely. I felt so lonely start drinking as soon as I got home fully ill while I drank), I thought of just to drink. I had no other interests. I did not dance, swim or ski so that I used to pray for a friend – in the afternoon. I knew I would have to go over the whole thing AA because I felt I had tried everything else and nothing had worked. not friends, just one friend. At last there was no reason for me to go I found that one friend, and I was again when my mother came home, I wrote to AA the next morning. and I solved that by either be- A woman called me from Inter-

group on Wednesday. By that time taking them again. I had had one I didn’t feel too badly since usually whiskey sour at lunch that day. I Group. I didn’t think AA would stupid.” “Oh, but you are when it after I got drunk I couldn’t look at told the man who led the beginner’s help me but I decided to try it. For comes to drinking,” he said. And I a drink again for four or five days. meeting that evening about the one the first time in years (maybe even realized he was right. I hadn’t I tried very hard to convince that whiskey sour and I really expected in my lifetime) I felt a sense of be- wanted my life to turn out this way woman that I wasn’t worried, only him to tell me to go home that I longing. I became active in my and I hadn’t wanted to be the heartinterested. She told me there was a didn’t need AA. But instead he group right away and was asked to break to my mother that I was. I meeting at Gotham Thursday night. said, “You’ll have one today and be secretary after about two and a think when I first joined I did it for one next week but eventually you’ll half months. I was scared but I my mother and to hold onto my Second thoughts be drunk.” And I knew he was accepted because I was told that job, but I very shortly realized that I started out for the meeting from right because this had happened this would be good for me. I wanted this for myself and this work. I worked on Forty-Third over and over again. was a good thing since I lost my Advice job after I was three months sober, Street, and Gotham is on Sixty-Ninth He said, “Whether you know it Street. All the way up I kept telling or not these are the people you The night I joined Sutton the and my mother still does not undermyself that I should go home, that have been looking for all your life.” man who signed me up said, “The stand why I have to go to so many I was all right. But the woman from That appealed to me since I knew best way to go about this program meetings. Intergroup had told me to look for I had been searching for something is to be stupid.” Well, my college de- After I lost my job I went someone at Gotham and I was for years. gree flashed in front of my eyes and through a period where I was very afraid if I didn’t go in this woman I stayed for the open meeting and I thought of my job and I was angry dramatic. I more or less discharged would come after me. I kept looking a young fellow said in his talk that and replied, “I am not exactly my sponsor saying that it was just a into restaurant windows and seeing he hadn’t laughed for a long time drinks on trays and I wanted to before he came into the program drink badly but I had never gone and I realized that it had been a into a bar or restaurant alone for a long time .since I had laughed. In drink. I reached Gotham and stood fact, it took me a long time in the outside the door. A man was going program before I could laugh within who looked dreadful to me. My out saying to someone, “Don’t I reaction was: “Now you’ve done it. sound funny?” However, I didn’t Now you’ve hit bottom.” And I had think AA was for me. the most terrible urge to run away The next morning I wanted to and go home. However, I went in drink the minute I got up. And I and I met a woman there who told did drink that night. I had two rum me she had been in AA for about cocktails, then I brought two bottles three months, and she was still of stout home with me. (Quite a dizzy. This was the first time that I combination!) I knew there was ever equated liquor with dizziness. also a bottle of whiskey in the house I had been dizzy for months but I and I sat for a whole hour trying to thought it was because I was taking get up the nerve to ask my mother vitamin pills and then I would stop for a drink everl though I knew she the vitamin pills and find I was wouldn’t give it to me. still dizzy and then I would start The next night I joined the Sutton

matter of time till I drank again since I couldn’t see what else I Confident and grateful could do to face the realities of life I am still out of work but I have and I said I didn’t want her or AA confidence that I will get a good job to feel responsible. Actually I did; soon. I am a very grateful alcoholic. I wanted to blame it on someone if I realize I have a long way to go I drank again. However about two since I am still not very good at days later I went back to her in facing the realities of life which absolute desperation and one of the sometimes can be frightening, but things she said to me that night was, even in this short while 1 know I “Aren’t you grateful at all that you have come a long way from where are sober today?” I wasn’t. In that I was in January. If there is any short time I had forgotten what it advice I can give, it would be the had been like to be sick and des- advice I took. Be stupid about the perate. But since that night I have program. Try to listen and practice realized what a great miracle it is the things that are being said and for any of us to wake up in the advised. And just have blind faith morning and not be sick and des- that it will work for you. perate. T.F., Brooklyn, N. Y.

October 1966

me. I do recall lying on a cold ce- returned home by jet (via Daddy’s ment floor shedding into little bits bankbook) to a pair of miserable, several pieces of stolen identilica- hurt parents. tion cards, and washing my face in I t was here I began to hate rnythe toilet bowl trying to sober up, self, and drank primarily to ease my screaming hysterically while cling- conscience and forget. The more I ing to bars too high to see out of drank, the worse it got and the more and cursing everyone that came I had to drink. Every day became near me. that much harder to live through Naturally this didn’t stop me. It and I began to take a look at myself. only became another excuse to What had happened to the shy, drink. The fact that i lost my driv- lonely, churchgoing wallflower? I er’s license, was made a ward of the had never been very happy, but now court and put on probation, not to it was unbearable. mention that I might have killed I had lost all faith in God and three friends and myself, never man; 1 was a bitterly rebellious teenreally occurred to me. Soon it be- ager. I hated the world and its peo- I was a kid, my friends seemed to be the answer to all my W HEN used to tease me by calling me problems. What I didn’t know then an “alkie,” and I got a big kick out was that one drink was too many came apparent that my schooling was definitely interfering with my drinking. Without hesitation I did ple. I’d managed to drink my way through all my friends. I had no one of this for a while. But somewhere and one hundred not enough. Grad- in the world to talk to. I had acthe only logical thing and ran away quired a fast-growing police record during my short drinking career, I ually this became more and more from home. I was in the fourth apparent to me so I drank more, in and had thrown away my education. quit laughing. quarter of my senior year at high With increasing guilt and never end- It wasn’t funny anymore when I a hurry to achieve my goal. school, and my mother was quite But it began to be an awfully ing depression I planned my death. had to call Alcoholics Anonymous sick in the hospital. painful process as hangovers, black- I was too weak to continue this for help at age eighteen – still a Can you picture two girls hitchouts, trouble and remorse set in. My day-by-day suicide. kid. hiking their way to Las Vegas from Thank God I was too gutless to I had my first drink when I was parents’ car had a strong attraction Washington State? We did, and go through with it. I knew.of AA, fifteen and my alcoholic potential had to fences and one night I blacked spent a month boozing it up, pop- so I called – I had no idea what ripened me to the point of necessary out, and drove the car down a bank, ping pills and smoking marijuana. would happen – I just knew I escapism. I needed alcohol from ramming the steel fence around taking shelter where we could, didn’t want to live if life was going that night on and it in turn used someone’s backyard. By the time I which included a veterinary hos- to go on like it was. me. ruling my life for three years. figured out what had happened, I pital one night. Accepting meals Today I’m counting my blessings 1 never drank socially; I drank as saw two flashing red lights atop from anyone, actually begging and instead of my troubles. When 1 often and as much as 1 could. My squad cars, sedately coming around stealing anything we were in need walked into the friendly atmosphere eventual goal was to drink myself the corner. of, which was about everything. I certainly wasn’t my shy, quiet of my first AA meeting I knew I to death. This little escapade also ended up was where I belonged. Here were All my life, it seemed, was spent self that night – as I was informed in the clutches of the law, and my people who had thought and felt as on the outside looking in. I had been the next morning. It was a pretty friend was institutionalized for eight I had. Here was the understanding unhappy, lonely and scared for so blurry night. I could hardly see at months. Myself having turned eigh- I’d been searching for a11 my life. long that the discovery of liquor all and my memory kept eluding teen during the “trip,” despondently These people were my friends and I

felt their sincere interest in me. self, the discovery of an inner being; tor I could not sleep and needed Finally, all pill supplies ex- With these new and enlightening an awareness of God. It’s been an these pills, and had him believing I hausted, all of my money gone from doors opening up to me, I was able education in thought, an unraveling . needed larger and larger doses. buying on the black market, my to make the eventual decision to mystery in humanity, in living. Still walking in a fog, I found mind turned to a pill-taker’s second stop drinking, a day at a time – I wouldn’t give it up or trade it other sources for my pill habit. I deadly enemy – drinking. because I too was an alcoholic. And for anything. And the only one that discovered my father had a good But fortunately, there was a break with this came the only real free- can take it away from me – is me supply (though it only lasted a few in this story. At the last hospital I dom, the freedom of truth. -by taking that first drink. months). So-called friends helped went to ( I am still there) I have My sponsor used to say to me, I go to a lot of meetings to keep me out too. However, by the time as my doctor a person totally inter- “If I could only paint you a picture my thinking straight, to insure my these sources grew scarce, I had en- ested in alcoholism. I had not of how beautiful life can be without sobriety. I’m not fighting the desire tered a psychiatric hospital. There thought of myself as an alcoholic, booze . . .” I wanted so badly to see or craving for a drink anymore. I was seemingly litle chance of getting since I only got drunk once. But the picture as it was in her mind and just don’t want to drink. I go to hold of pills, but I became “edu- now I consider myself a potential, now I’m living it and trying to paint meetings because I like them. I en- cated.” yet not actual, alcoholic, and find it for others. joy the friendship and the bond that I stole prescription blanks upon myself involved with AA and other A whole new world has been makes this Fellowship indestruct- which I wrote my own orders for services which can help me. In AA opened up to me. Life as I never ible. Love. Here we are learning to pills. When at last everything I found one thing which has been a drcamcd it existed. AA has become give of ourselves to help others; we failed, including my last mentioned big problem for me and is being a way of life and living for me, a sre doing God’s work and I hope I “hobby,” I grew so desperate I solved by AA. This is a feeling of guide for my thinking and doing. It spend the rest of my life this way. took any type of pill I saw on the belonging. I want so very much to has brought about a revelation of L. K . , Seattle, Washington floor of the hospitals I was in, or belong somewhere; even though I even from trash cans, and any pill am not, I suppose, a full-fledged (cold capsule or anything) that alcoholic, I wish to be part of AA. read on its container “federal law I hope AA will accept me. teertager says – A tr~)i~t>lcd prohibits use,” etc. . . . L. M., w orris town, Pa.

I WANT TO BELONG

M Y name is Linda. Most speakers at AA meetings start out, “I’m an alcoholic.” I do not! Please let me explain: I was really disturbed and my life was upset. I decided to commit suicide. I was fifteen when I took my lint barbituates. From then on 1 took to “liking” pills, my new escape. For quite some time 1 walked around half-drugged. I told my doc-

October 1966

IN AA?

. . . nud disappear. what’s hccppening

a sneeze. If his petrified features could look at me with disdain, they did. And all I had asked him was what he thought of the young people coming into A A lately. As he fixed my face into focus with his beady blue eyes, 1 felt like a youngster myself. In fact, I’m a pear-shaped, balding ‘thirty-nineyear old. 1 felt like saying, “Look Jim, all 1 did was ask,” but before I could franie the sentence he was off again in a voice i1s lilting as a hargc whistle. “When I come into the program twcnty-onc years ago, there was a different spirit!” The shoe stopped waving. He was now thumping my shoulder with his forefinger, narrowly missing my face with his cigar cvcry time he thumped. I was carrying a post-meeting pitper cup of

coffee and piece of crumb cake, so I fashioned AA. Many’s the night I these kids the folks who make in- go? Do they take a look at AA and was defenseless. 1 was also, I no- used to sit up with some poor slob.” stitution meetings on Sunday after- decide they’re not alcoholics and ticed, in the corner of our meeting The old-timer interrupted him- noons? Who cleans up this meeting go back to social drinking? I guess hall. Trapped. self with another grunt. “I’m no hall? Does dirty work? Just an- it doesn’t matter, but it’s the old- “In those days,” went on the old- expert, sonny, and I don’t have any swer them questions yourself. And, timers in our group who keep the timer, “nobody had to make dozens college degrees. But if you wunt me by the way, what about you? Can rest of us sober. Without them, of phone calls to find somebody to to tell you what’s the matter with you give me a hand at the Salva- there would be no AA around here, go out on a Twelfth Step call. Any- the kids in the program today, 1’11 tion Army meeting next Saturday as far as I’m concerned.” body who woke up sober was eli- tell you.” night, or d o you have a date with Now Gwen couldn’t disagree gible, and it was a privilege, mind T h e c r u m b cake was coming your psychiatrist?” more. Gwen is a twenty-four-yearyou. What’s more, we didn’t yap apart, and I didn’t say I wanted I made the Sallies’ meeting on old youngster (anyone under thirty about pills and psychology and hos- anything. Sunday with Jim and another old- is a youngster to me) with whom pitals. We were older. We were “The kids in the program today timer, but he had given me some- I talked the problem over in a mostly men. There was nothing re- haven’t ripened on the vine! Your thing to think about. 1 took the kitchen of a church basement not fined about being clntnks, and the average youngster has a fling o r two matter up with my wife who is in long ago, shortly before a meeting AA I came staggering into was a with John Barleycorn, maybe ends A A too and belongs to a different was about to start. Gwen is an atmixture of the Big Book, the grace up in jail once o r twice. Then he group – an older group than Jim’s tractive brunette who always looks of God, and our own guts. The reads a few bus posters about how o r mine. She has had over a year’s as if she has just been crying. Durenemy was booze, which in my time alcoholism is a disease, has the more continuous sobriety than I ing her first few months in the prowas anything from gin to phony blazes scared out of him by a TV have and usually sees things that gram she usually had been, but French absinthe.” show or movie about a broken- 1 miss, at least as far as AA is con- even after she got over the weeps I managed to slide in a question. down drunk actress o r that “Wine cerned. I found her agreeing with she still looked the same way- “isn’t the enemy still booze, even and Orchids” picture. His next real Jim. weepy. for the young people in the pro- hangover has him in a hospital, “This old-timer business is mostly “If we young people don’t d o gram?” taking anti-booze o r whatever you a myth, of course,” she said, “but much Twelfth Step work, it’s be- Jim made little attempt to conceal call it-and hanging around A A when you get right down to it the cause we’re edged out. I haven’t his contempt, but much to my re- meetings, thinking he’s a hero. old-timers are our group! When I been sober a long time, I know, but lief he had by now smashed his “Then everybody says how won- came in three years ago, I was con- helping another alcoholic means as cigar into a nearby ashtray. “Kids! derful it is how many more young sidered a youngster. Today there much to me as it does to anybody Not on your life! The trouble with kids are getting into the program seem to be an awful lot of kids else – more maybe. Yet I’ve been you young fellows is that you’re now than they used to. Me? I’m around – and it’s not just because eligible for Twelfth Step work and too smart for your own good! You nearly eighty and I didn’t know A A I’m getting older. Thcy’rc coming on the list in my group for months, spend half your time talking about even existed until the booze had me into the program in what appear and nobody has called me. They what some half-baked psychiatrist down on the mat the way Dempsey to be droves – particularly girls in think I’m a kid and 1’11 fall apart did o r didn’t d o to you; you argue took Willard. These kids-where are their twenties. But they don’t seem if I see a drunk man or woman over about this new tranquilizer-drug they a year o r two after they come to hang around. I see them at a thirty. Well, that’s just not true! business as if you were professional into the program? D o you ever see couple of meetings, give them my By accident I met a woman ‘ten biochemists, and when one of you them after their first few months? phone number and that’s the last years older than I am at a meeting has a little slip you run off to a hos- Who does the Twelfth Step work in I see or hear of them. Even when I last week. I can’t say that I’m pital somewhere instead of sweating this very group, sonny, the infant call them it doesn’t do any good; sponsoring her exactly, but I’ve gotit out to the tune of some good old- group o r the old reliables? Are they just drift away. Where d o they ten a better hold on the AA way

1

of living trying to help her than Maybe it’s easy to ‘get stupid’ after very word ‘alcoholic’ means a differ- fill the gap. Everybody has to stay anything else I’ve done since I you’ve been through the mill, when ent thing today than it once did.” sober on his own terms – and came into the program.” you are older rather than younger, “How do young folks feel about maybe I won’t feel this way in ten I asked Gwen whether she and after you’ve been through a the program then, Hank?” I asked, years, but this is a selfish program .thought more young people were decade or two of alcoholic hell.” sipping my coffee as we sat in the as they say. And if I can’t devote coming into the program, and Gwen didn’t answer me, but I back of the church auditorium after myself heart and soul to AA seven whether this was a good sign. could tell that she was thinking the meeting. days a week, twenty-four hours a “How do 1 know”? she replied, about herself, not me. Finally she “I guess it makes more problems day the way the old-timers did, and “I hadn’t even had a glass of wine spoke. “l’m not going to trade for us than it does for old people sometimes do, so what? The importen years ago! All I know is why drunk stories with you, George. I like you, for instance. First they tant thing is that I stay sober.” I’m here.” know what you mean, but you’re tell us to stick to the winners. Okay. I made an agreeing noise. “But “And why is that?” I tried to dead wrong and you know it too. So the winners are mostly people a what about helping others, Hank, make the question sound as if it Different people are different. You good deal older than we are. And the Twelfth Step, what Bill had to made sense. It didn’t. Gwen gave know as well as I do that one per- if we have a social life to live, say in Toronto about responsibility? me a deadly look with those moist son can be older at twenty-four we’re not going to be able to live HOWcan you . . .” eyes. than another at sixty-four. Maybe it with AA people, the way you do, He didn’t let me finish and from “Come off it, George! Why are some kids do come into this pro- for instance. There are plenty of the way he started pounding my you here? And don’t tell me about gram before they’re ready, but not men and women your age around. shoulder, he reminded me of the your twenty years of drinking, and only kids do. I just know that I’m But what does someone my age do old-timer, Jim. Some of my black your alcoholic wife and your three ready, that I’ve had all the liquor in the program? Where are the gals coffee sloshed into my lap. “Rekids and your busted marriage and I’m ever going to need, and that for me? Or the fellows for a chick sponsibility? Who is my main rebroken bank account; I’ve heard if it wasn’t for AA and groups like in her twenties? The men and sponsibility to? Myself, isn’t it? To your story. 1’11 just say this to you: this one and mine, by now I’d be women in this group, for instance, stay away from that first drink for if you’re so damn smart that you lying in some . . .” all wear trusses and girdles or twenty-four hours. That’s the way go around asking questions about Gwen did not finish the sentence, both!” I take AA with me wherever I go. young people in AA, where were and I was glad. The meeting was “Now Hank,” 1 replied as evenly If you or anybody else don’t beyou during your twenties and thir- about to start anyway. as I could, “to the best of my knowl- lieve that we younger people feel ties? With your nose in some gin Another member of the same edge AIcoholics Anonymous is not a responsibility to AA, just ask us bottle . . .” group, Henry, age twenty-three and a lonely hearts club.” -or better still, give us some re- “Scotch bottle,” I interrupted. two years in AA (eighteen months “Of course not, but when you sponsibility and see what we do. “Scotch bottle then, instead of sober) looked at the whole thing take a barfly like me out of the “Both my parents were alcohol- AA where you belonged? Look slightly differently. saloon – something social has to ics,” continued Hank ferociously, George, my sponsor told me to ‘get “Aw -old-timers! You know as stupid’ when 1 came into the pro- well as I do that old-timers always gram and I tried to do it, and I’m look back at the past as though still at it.” olden times were golden times. The I was getting a little uneasy. younger generation is never any “Well,” I suggested, “I had to ‘get good, and things are always going stupid’ too to get a grip on sobri- to the dogs! Well, AA is no excepety. But after twenty years of being tion. And the oldsters are right in ‘smart,’ maybe I was ready for it. their way. Everything changes. The

“and I’m no baby where the sauce days?” he asked more quietly now. is concerned. I. grew up with the I nodded. “Wednesdays these bottle in my hand. I was half lit the days, at one P.M.” day I graduated from elementary “Can 1 come with you next Wedschool – elementary school, mind nesday?” you! I got an undesirable discharge “Why not”? I answered, finishing from the Navy because I was a both my coffee and the Serenity drunk before 1 was twenty. I saw Prayer 1 was saying to myself at my own father. . .” His voice trailed the same time. off. Hank joined Tom R. and me at Then he was silent, and I was Bellevue that following Wednesday, sorry I had started asking him any and we had a fine meeting. Tom led, questions. He looked directly at and Hank and 1 spoke a bit, but we me, and I felt like an idiot because spent most of our time answering my coffee cup was shaking. I don’t the patients’ questions about AA. shake often these days. Neither Tom nor Hank nor I is “Do you still go to those meet- an old-timer, of course. Yet. ings at Bellevue Hospital on Fri- G . N. G., New York, N . Y .

March 1967

Never too young soon as I am free to, I want to get From Ft. McClellan, Ala.: back to meetings, because I miss the I came on the program in Cali- atmosphere of the program very fornia when I was seventeen. No much even though I have the spirit one would have bet I’d stay a with me. If some of you old-timers month. I was in such bad shape I see a young girl in uniform at meetwasn’t sure I’d live that long. I am ings in Baltimore, remember that twenty now and I have almost three young people can do it, too. years of constant sobriety. I’ve seen a lot of young people In two months I haven’t been to drop out of sight. We had a lot of a meeting because I am just com- them in California but they come pleting basic training in the Wom- back and they don’t look so young en’s Army Corps. I may make Hon- anymore! or Trainee of my group. I have lived a happy normal life since I started applying the principles of the program to my every action. I am being sent to a special service school for six months and eventually will be put into a job that requires security clearance. The old-timers may scoff at young Baltimore, here I come. I know teen-agers coming into the program, the AA people there will be as wonbut here is the story of one who has derful as the ones I left. done her best and is making it. As PVT. PAT W.

August 1967

places so anonymous you couldn’t The social life I knew before had even find the AA members! centered around booze, and my old My six-day drunk two years ago friends seem to lose interest in me had me worse off than I was before when I quit drinking and buying. I I came to AA the first time. In 1961 shouldn’t really blame them. as I when I first came to Alcoholics sure never trusted a guy at a party Anonymous it was like coming to who didn’t drink. I tried to go to Refresher Course at 23 the last house on the street. When I bars and other places to meet people slipped, I went out the back door of my age, without drinking, but it that house, into the lonely field that didn’t work. They seem to think you only a drunk who has returned to are some kind of nut if you pay drinking can know. Coming into AA fifty or seventy-five cents for a the second time was much more dif- small glass of 7 Up, and I guess they ficult. I believe it gets ever more are right. difficult as years of sobriety mount. I soon became very lonely among How many members do you know the only real family I had, but I rewho have gone back to drinking mained sober. After a year in AA I and has stayed &A after say eight or ten years of being met a girl in a small Manitoba town sober, and who have made it back and later married her. I had no idea to the program? There are a few, when I first met her that her father on the program but few indeed. Sometimes, the had been sober in AA for some peg AA members I was able to get member who has wandered away years. And I still don’t put this all but six days back into the fold. never finds the “hand of AA” again. down to a coincidence. Now I have let my job chief here, Being a young person in AA has This is not a Cinderella story and and the clergymen, know that I am its problems for both the married we did not live happily ever after. a member of AA. They seem quite and single person. I was single when Married life brought new problems. . M Y life has changed considerably from that of the drunken street-sweeper I was at nineteen. happy about it and have offered their services to help set up a group here. We held a meeting last month I first came to AA and remained so My wife was two years younger than for the first year. The first period in I and had never seen me drink. For AA was not too difficult. I was will- her to accept the fact that I was an Now, at twenty-five, I have a fairly which all the section heads attended. ing to go “to any lengths” to achieve alcoholic and must place AA ahead responsible job with the Canadian We talked alcoholism – as a dis- sobriety, but after a while I began of everything else was difficult in- Government. I don’t make this point ease, not a moral problem – and to miss being with people my own deed. The problems of social life to show that I am a success, but to we talked AA. age. Meetings were fine indeed, and took on added problems for both of show the program will work for you We have posted AA and govern- I attended and enjoyed all there us. There was more to life for her if you work for it. ment pamphlets on alcoholism on were, even traveling to out-of-town than just going to open meetings on ‘ I have enjoyed two years of so- bulletin boards where the workers groups, but I still could not seem to Sunday night, even though she did briety in Brandon, Manitoba, and can see them. I have also posted my get as close to the other members enjoy them and tried to understand three years in Winnipeg. I took a telephone number and post office as I wanted to. I was nineteen at them. six-day refresher course in drinking box number on each pamphlet. This the time and there were very few In early 1965 at the Brandon in Winnipeg two years ago, but doesn’t do much to preserve my members who were less than ten or Roundup my wife found Al-Anon. thanks to the persistence of Winni- anonymity but I have found some fifteen years older than I. At this time she was as desperate

for an answer as I was in the be- in AA now and even young people’s ginning. Through the Al-Anon pro- groups. gram she has grown to understand At present we live in an isolated me and also herself. We also were radar station in northern Ontario able to do a small amount with the and life seems pretty g o d indeed. Alateen group and have certainly We have lots of literature, scores of found out that what is a family AA friends, even though some are problem requires a family answer. miles away, and we have an oppor- We have come to realize the true tunity to carry the message. meaning of the Fellowship. The age This is not the end of my story barrier no longer seems so impor- but the start of a new chapter in my tant as we have many young people life. B. R., Ontario

January 1968

drinking problem. Who are we to problem with your drinking – weljudge? I feel I have an obligation to come!” whoever walks in the door – to I hope they won’t hear: “You’re alcoholic’s own story . help them give themselves a break. too young,” or “You couldn’t have We all know it’s hard enough to let drunk enough to be an alky.” If go of alcohol. they are not alcoholics, they will With ever-spreading knowledge leave. If they are alcoholics, they of AA, there are bound to be more will stay, as I did, and grow into this young people like me who will new way of life.

M Y NAME is Sharon, and I am an alcoholic. I came into AA one and a half recognize that they have a problem. Or their families may recognize it and suggest AA. AA has given me so much. I don’t have lots of material gains, but I have my sobriety and enough MY years ago at the age of twenty-one. I knew a great deal about AA be- I only hope that the people in AA will heed what we hear in meetings: comforts. Through the grace of God and the people of AA, I know that I fore I came, because a very close “We don’t care who you are, what won’t have to drink today if I don’t member of my family is in AA and you are, how much you drank, or want to. has been for a number of years. where you drank. If you have a S. S.,Reno, Nev. I started drinking steadily at the Name age of nineteen, and in two short FARAWAY PLACES years I had lost my self-respect, Recently I was in a small ship at anchor in Finland, near the Russian family, children, and the will to go frontier. All day the vessel had been troubled by persistent inquiries from on. the locals for whisky, much favored in Finland. By evening I was in the When I came to AA, I had been right mood to strongly repel any further useless demands. Is dry for three weeks. As I sat in an Alanon club, four old-timers told Just before dark a rather tough-looking character clambered on board from a rowboat. He was followed by a piratical-looking gentleman with one me that I was too young to have arm who was pushed and pulled over the bulwarks and flopped onto the any trouble with booze. deck rather like a seal. His pusher quickly followed. I thank God I was broke, home- I advanced to “repel boarders” and caught the word kisky for whisky. less, and most of all sick and tired Sharon of being sick and tired. In spite of I was about to blast them when the words “Ah Ah” followed. Now AA is pronounced “Ah Ah” in some languages. In a flash it dawned on me. what they said, I knew this was the They wanted “Whiskers” (my AA name). I had written ahead to AA only place I could learn to walk Hamina. again if I would only try. Well, you should have seen the backslapping and handshaking, the joyful The other day, a gentleman ap- greetings. My shipmates were quite mystified at the sudden change in my proached me and said, “You can’t demeanor, from blasts to blessings. The three “pirates” were whisked be an alcoholic-you’re too young.” (not whiskyed) to my cabin in a chorus of “Forst Trappa,” or “Tolv All I could do was smile and reply, Trappa,” Swedish for Steps, First or Twelfth. “I know that I am an alcoholic, and These good members had rowed several miles to welcome a fellow thank God I don’t have to prove it member, and to cement a great (worldwide) Fellowship. to anyone.” Yes, AA meets in some strange places -even unto the Arctic Circle. I believe it is terribly dangerous Mainstay, N. 2. to tell anyone that he doesn’t have a

May 1 9 6 8

Come early, come late From El Paso, Tex.: At our meeting, a young man in his early twenties recently expressed a resentment that the over-fifty age group is always telling him how lucky he is to have found AA at an early age. They tell him how fortunate he is that he won’t have to go all the way down, as they did. Actually, the program was in full swing twenty-five years ago, when most of these “bleeding deacons” were twenty-five years old themselves. I got drunk my first time in 1943, when I was only sixteen, and I already knew about AA even then. When I came in and took my last drink at age thirty-five, there were welcome and tell him how glad we the old bleeding deacons telling me are to be sober. Be patient and let it how lucky I was to have stopped be- be his idea to say he is glad he fore I went down as far as they had. stopped in time. If we can do this, We old-timers should stop com- he will see not only that we have plaining and work on our own in- stayed sober, but also that we have ventory and welcome any alky, no acquired some measure of humility. matter how young. Make him feel J. F. T.

July 1 9 6 8

gan taking sleeping pills to forget sheets, lulled to sleep by tranquilthe loneliness and to sleep. izers or barbiturates. Life was rosy, When I heard that Daddy had and I loved to sleep. I slept four quit drinking, I was inwardly happy, years of my life away, while friends but I shoved the feeling aside with took care of my children, kept my a pretense of indifference, seasoned house, did my laundry and ironing, with bitterness and fear. I was and fed my husband. afraid to hope – afraid to care. He The inevitable happened: a danhad quit before! So I put on an air gerous overdose. Stomach pumped of nonchalance, and took more pills – pain! Fear, recovery, remorse. to go to sleep. But months passed Back home, I knew someone was Off Pills and he continued to stay sober. AA out to get me. I lost my sense of had happened to him. Today he is equilibrium and couldn’t seem to Ten Days still sober, and has been for ten keep my feet on the floor. I had to years, with the exception of one slip. hide bruises and cuts that I inflicted I was seventeen when I floated upon myself in my drugged awkdown the aisle on my father’s arm, wardness. My doctor delicately in a wedding gown. I was wheeled suggested a psychiatrist, so I moved out of the delivery room nine and a to another town and found another She ran from a drunken father into a nightmare half months later – again floating, doctor. from the effects of medication, and I lived in a constant nightmare of pills and booze . . . and lost her own children . . . extremely proud of my new baby for the next two years. The begingirl. ning of the end came when I My life was a ritual of destructive couldn’t get any more pills. I had repetition from that time on. I took started going to a psychiatrist after Y N A M E is Joyce. I am twenty- was fourteen, after I moved out of M six years old, and have been off pills and alcohol for ten days as I a two-room farmhouse that my mother, my father, and seven of us pills to sleep, pills for new-mother all, but he was exhausted and recblues, pills for nerves. Two years ommended a state mental institulater, I gave birth to a beautiful tion. I refused to go – and began write this. My friends and neighbors kids called home. I called it hell. I baby boy. I should have been hap- drinking. That was something that once would have said I was one of had to get away from the destruc- py, but I cried a lot and took pills I had sworn I would never do. I the happiest people in the world. tion created by an alcoholic father for hysteria. would never be “like Daddy”! But Me, Joyce, with my fingers in every- -then a “no-good drunk” to me. The shakes’and hallucinations be- I had to have something. So I thing: Sunday-school teacher, youth I moved to town and found a gan about a year later, accompanied drank, quite discreetly. I wasn’t director, always smiling, always part-time job. To pay my rent, I by lies and stealing. I had to have proud of it. laughing, the girl everyone loved cleaned the house where I lived. more pills. I was seeing three or My husband was pleased with my because she was so lovable. Days weren’t so bad; I went to four doctors at a time and buying or “success” at breaking the pill habit. I was far from happy. My hus- school and kept to myself. Nights stealing bottles at the drugstore. He was unaware of the liquor that band and children could have told were terrible. I was lonely; I wanted Then came the first of a series o f ‘ filled the bubble-bath decanter, or you that. to go home; but the ever-burning forty-seven trips to the hospital. I the bottle tucked carefully under the I was an addicted pill taker even memories quenched that desire spent nine to seventeen days a mattress. I took two sleeping pills before I married. It started when I quickly. In utter desperation, I be- . month tucked between sterile at night for appearance’ sake, and

“Help me! Oh God, help me! took pills, and sniffed glue for a ing reservations, instead of being Don’t leave me alone. I can’t stand delirious period of sixty days. The honest. I got too self-sufficient and this loneliness. My own children sheriff asked me to leave the state. forgot that I was dependent on a . don’t even want me.” I did. It was only twenty-one miles Power greater than myself. The I stayed drunk for almost sixty to the state line. I had no home, no craving and the shaking started days, and sobered up to find I had job, no money. I lived wherever once again. I had trouble controlling no family. My husband had taken anyone would have me. I didn’t my emotions, indulged in an insane me home to my parents – perhaps need money to drink. After another argument, and ended up with thirmy father would know what to do overdose of pills, I sobered up in teen stitches in my scalp and a with a drunk. jail. I had evidently been in a fight minor brain concussion. I took pills It had been only ten short years with someone and I was a bloated, for the pain, and stayed on them for since I had walked out on him, be- bloody mess. I spent eight days thirty days. I lost seventeen pounds waited in impatient agony until he cause he was in about the same there, until my mind cleared some- and suffered terrible blackouts. went to sleep so I could drink my- shape that I was in now. what, and then I returned to AA. Now I am somewhat alone. Yet self to blessed oblivion. Nights when “Someone -help me!” My husband divorced me, and not alone. I have Alcoholics Anony- I carelessly ran out of liquor, I This was how I found Alcoholics the children went with him. I could mous -where people simply like .

paced the floor like a caged animal. Anonymous, and this was how they hardly live with the overwhelming me and understand me. When they I ran low more and more fre- accepted me. My father took me to flood of guilt and remorse.. Why did cannot understand me, they accept quently. The liquor didn’t satisfy the my first meeting. I scarcely remem- I continue to do the very things I me anyway. These are my kind of nagging, burning need. I ran my ber it. I smelled from being sick all despised myself for? people. fingers frantically through my hair, over myself. I was forty pounds At the end of six months’ sobri- I live each day with a little less pulling it out in handfuls, not even overweight. ety, my children were given back to fear and a little more faith. feeling the pain. I shook uncon- That was just before Christmas of me. I cried happy tears that Sixty miles away are two small trollably, and my insides were tied 1966. I spent Christmas Day with streamed down my face and min- children who need a mother. I am in knots. I fought hallucinations and my children, but they were afraid of gled with theirs. . . . That would be trying to make myself worthy of tried to think with a mind that me. I was a quivering mass of a good place to end my story. But it them and capable of caring for vacillated until I feared for my nerves, drifting around like a ghost. does not end there. them. sanity. I wandered off alone, and soon I I had had my children for six I can live. I can hope. I can pray. I promised my babies feeble, was in the bathroom emptying the weeks when I began to get too busy I can wait. The AA way – twentyfairyland fantasies that could never medicine cabinet of aspirin and any- to ask God for help. I started hav- four hours at a time. come true. I felt them slip out of my thing else on hand. I . L., Liberal, Kans. off-balance embrace and saw them After the first of the year, I atwipe a drunken kiss from their tended every AA meeting I could faces. get to, and managed six weeks of “Mommy doesn’t smell good, continuous sobriety. The nights Sissy.” were long, and filled with night- “She’s sick, I told you.” mares, but I wouldn’t bend my “Oh?” foolish, stubborn pride and call They went quietly to play, with someone to talk to me. I suffered questions written all over their in- severe depressions – and finally I nocent faces. resorted to drinking again. I drank,

August 1 9 6 8

TOOK that first drink at seven- drunk, I called AA the next mom- day at a time. I learned the Serenity I years. teen and stayed drunk for four ing. I had fears of getting divorced and losing my children, but I went Prayer, how to read again as a child would and listen to the members I ran away to the big city of to meetings for about three months. with open-mindedness, tolerance, Chicago and,- after working as a Then I thought I was still too and respect. dice girl, started work as a stripper young, and too dumb, and so I My home life improved. All my because of my high cost of living – dropped out for three more years needs were met. Self-respect remainly the cost of booze. At first I of hell. turned. My whole life changed. I drank whiskey two-fisted, then any- One day, as I was about to get was asked to accept responsibilities thing with alcohol in it. My inferi- drunk, I talked to an aunt, telling that no one would ever have had a ority complex, mixed with not being her my domestic troubles. She asked second thought about giving me if I what happened to AA. Somehow I Name able to accept the idea of being a stripper, was in back of my getting didn’t take that first drink, but had been drunk: as baby-sitter, volunteer worker, coffee-maker, secredrunk every day for four years – a called our downtown office instead, tary, chairman, and decent wife and living hell when you’re only eight- and found that the group I had been mother. Thank God for AA. een, nineteen, twenty, and twenty- attending was, sure enough, still Those guys and gals I worked one years old. there with the door open! I started with in nightclubs were mostly very I was jailed twice. Beaten up sneaking to meetings, paying a unhappy people. Some committed numerous times. Lost job after job. baby-sitter twenty-five cents an suicide. Some ended on skid row hour when I could get some money before they were thirty years old. I traveled the states, but didn’t stay sober. Long-distance calls, dt’s, and from my husband. (His trust in me God knows where some of them loss of self-respect were my life. I had gone down the drain.) are. How I pray they’ll read my hit bottom at twenty-five after try- I learned I didn’t have to take a story and know there is a new way ing marriage, having children, and drink if I asked God for help in the of life. trying to stop drinking on my own. morning, and took the program one I . C., Wayne, Mich. I felt J was ready for the mental hospital, but always put off getting some kind of help till tomorrow. I attended a movie called I’ll Cry Tomorrow. I didn’t know what kind of a movie it was, but the name AA stuck in my mind. After a real good

February 1 9 6 9

As A A grows older, its new members grow younger. Young Winners Here are three stories from AAs who need never ,. r

know how far downhill the road runs . . . and one I.

( <

from a 25-year member who finds the guideposts unchanged

And then I would sit back and I was not being given. the work I’ think, “I may not have gone to skid could do and my ideas were not row physically. But emotionally I being taken seriously. But now, all Well under thirty but not “too young to be did know the remorse and guilt and of a sudden, I’m busier in AA than an alcoholic,” the author is one of the smart new fear.” How I knew the fear! I knew I have ever been in my life. I amfears so bad that I couldn’t eat in asked to do things that I couldn’t breed that understands skid row can be theirs a public place nor decide where to have done ,before, to go places buy a pack of cigarettes, nor state where I couldri’t have gone before. . an opinion. And the special fear: To state it honestly, I couldn’t have ing at me how sick I was. And what Where was I going to get that next done these things before because I T HE YEAR was 1962. I was sick, and I hurt. I was twenty-three they did tell me was this: “You years old, a college graduate, well are lucky that you have found AA drink? No, those blood-and-thunder stories were not so different from wasn’t ready. Contrary to what some people dressed. I had been teaching school SO young.” my own. I came to realize that Joe may think, young people in AA are for two years. I was an alcoholic. At the time, I questioned this (who was fifty and came off skid not all losers. We realize that we I walked through the doors of statement. I thought I had lived. I row) and Betty (who was a house- have been given a chance to live. AA and asked for help. Nobody thought I knew what life was all wife and never went outside to We realize how great a gift has been asked me whether I had slept in about. I was wrong. I knew only drink) and George (who was a given to us, and we realize the rethe gutter, had lost everything, had one side of life: my side, the side bank president) and I were all alike. sponsibility we have to AA and been drinking for twenty years, or I had created for myself, the side We all had a common problem; we ourselves and the still-sick alcoholic. was a low-bottom drunk. Nobody I no longer have to face. had all fought the same fight; we I have a younger sister now in told me I was too young to be an My years in AA have not been had all lost. Now we were all work- AA, who has been sober one year alcoholic. easy. My relearning process has ing at becoming winners over the and is active all the time. We have In fact, 1 was waiting patiently been difficult. Often, I would at- thing that had beaten us: alcohol. two AA friends not yet thirty, who for someone to tell me to go out tend meetings and listen to the My first years in AA were good have been sober two years. I often and come back later, when I was blood-and-thunder stories and won- years. I received a lot of help and see a fellow not yet thirty-five who old enough and had a sordid, sad der, “What am I doing here? How I needed a lot of help. I still do. has been sober five years. Two other story to tell. can these stories possibly apply to Once, I occasionally felt that, be- members of our group are not yet Those AAs knew just from look- me and my drinking life?” cause of my age and background, thirty. We all take our AA seri-

ously. We, too, want to be “win- the club says to the hostess, a wonderful group in Columbus, Ga. young people come into our all-male ners.” “Marge, something has happened to Then I returned to my home in a group. Many of them have stayed. What I know of early AA and you. Why, before, the least little large Midwestern city. Some have left to do more drinking. the founders is simply what I have thing would set you off!” When I came into AA in Georgia, But I don’t think they left because read in the Big Book and AA And Marge replies, “What hap- I was the youngest in the group. I they felt isolated from the older Comes of Age. I have learned a pened to me is a simple remedy was an oddity. But I learned most members. We younger members great deal from both of these. But called- .” (Just like the mir- about the program by talking with who stayed didn’t feel that way. something else brings home a acle I was always looking for when the older members – thirty and I have no quarrel with young. stronger message to me. I was drinking!) over. I questioned them about their people’s groups. However, I would It is a Twelfth Step call on a Now, when somebody says to the drinking, and they assured me like to know how well they are twenty-five- or thirty-year-old per- sick young girl who walked through through their stories that it would doing in other places. I don’t think son who hasn’t lost everything and the doors of AA four years ago, only get worse if I continued drink- they are necessary any more. Of didn’t sleep in the gutter, yet cries “Something has happened to you, ing. I was fortunate, I realized, be- course, that is just my opinion. out in despair, just as I did, “Help Kay,” I’ll tell them that what hap- cause I had gotten off the booze I find that in our group the presme! My God, what is the matter pened to me is a beautiful thing merry-go-round when I was so ence of the older members is very with me?” This person I know, called AA. young. helpful. I know that without their because this person was me yester- K . P. Buflalo, N.Y. When I returned to my home help I would not be in AA today. day. This person could be me tomorrow, and I don’t want it this way. It is my opinion (as is everything I have said here) that AA today is no different from AA thirty years ago. If alcoholics want it, then it is here for them with all the help they need. If they don’t want it at the time, we will still be here when they do. ~ h e ‘ ~ r i d g e twenty-two and the oldest was eighty. But they The other day I sat down to watch TV- something I could had one common goal -sobriety never do when I was drinking. If I tried to sit for ten minutes, I had to break it up into sections. But this particular day I saw a com- I ‘VE BEEN an AA member for nine years, and the problem of the young AA has been one that I have town, I joined an all-male group. It is their steadying influence that I’m still a member of that group. kceps the group going on an even However, for a few years, other keel. What’s more, I’ve not found mercial that set me to thinking reflected upon for some time. I came younger AAs and I formed a young that they try to prevent the younger about how AA has changed my into AA when I was twenty-two and people’s group. ( I still went to the members from taking positions of life. by the grace of God have remained all-male meetings, too.) We did not responsibility in the group. In fact, It seems this wistful little chick is sober ever since. have much success with the young they encourage it. having a luncheon, and it is just When I joined AA, I was in the people’s group. So we broke up and ‘ We have other young members in the most wonderful luncheon the Army, stationed at Fort Benning, ‘returned to our other groups. our group with long years of so-‘ girl ever gave, and the president of Ga. I spent my first year in AA with Since that time, I’ve seen a lot of briety. One has eight years, anothei.

seven, and two others less than that. longed to the young people’s group, lies the kernel, the heart of the W., with remarks like: “There was None of them, to my knowledge, I attended a young people’s conven- matter. That is the essence of what only one open meeting in all New has ever belonged to a young peo- tion. I enjoyed it immensely, but I have learned through all of you. York! Think of it!” ple’s group. This is not to say that that was five or six years ago. Today, It’s what keeps me sober. And I am There I was, above it and out of if they had they wouldn’t have found I think that a young person would sober, thank God. it, going to meetings to speak more it helpful. have no trouble feeling comfortable I want to talk about the last two than to listen, when what should Of course, some of our interests in a regular AA group. Perhaps this years since I’ve moved up here to come into my life but an infant are different from the older mem- isn’t true all over the country, but Connecticut. Life on the whole has pigeon, a man only two years. bers’, but that doesn’t prevent us I think it is true in our city. been extremely pleasant, not to say younger than I was when I joined! from enjoying the fellowship with I hope members of young peo- meaningful. But at the meetings He says he likes me as a sponsqr them. At one time, our youngest ple’s groups won’t take offense at around this neck of the woods, I because I clearly don’t have any of member was twenty-two and our this. I would like to hear what other seemed to be settling down to AA the answers and my confusion at oldest was eighty. Our common young people think about it. Are old age. To be candid about it, I this late date is most encouraging goal -sobriety -has enabled us young people’s groups still neces- think I was getting a slight case of to him. to bridge the age gap. sary? glue-dry, which is the occupational I now go to a lot of meeting When I was younger and be- K . M., Webster Groves, Mo. disease of both antique furniture quite regularly, something I haven’t done in years. He often takes me in a long, silver gray, streamlined, many-gadgeted sportg car. And we’ go levitating .through the night, Generation Gap Revisited along daqk, winding country roads, with the top. down and with ourselves strappa% like a couple of Looking back over a quarter-century of AA World War I st&,,pilots. Between this member finds it changing a n d changeless . . . my feet is a large cardboard box of goodies, and upon my, lap is a a n d h a s an Rx f o r indolent old-timers freshly frosted layer cake. Both of : us have gotten into secretarial and be something left to dredge up out and the AA old-timer who’s coast- KP work. L ISTEN, my children, I’ve been on this program for a quarter of a century, and when I joined I felt of my pool of tears. Sure enough, in the last twentying. I not only go to more meetings: I was embarrassed by compli- I really get into them. The “new” old, used up, consumed, and done five years we’ve all been right! Life ments from young people. Things AA – a new approach, less forfor, as old as Grandma Moses’ has been perfectly wonderful and like “You are such an example to mality, less “God business” for many grandmother. I had wasted my perfectly terrible, blowing hot and others!” made me feel like a mini- new people -is something to get youth in neuroses and alcoholic cold, just about breaking even, all monument to sobriety – something used to. In trying to swing with it, psychoses. I could hardly see the the time I’ve been in. What’s slightly above it all, and not at all I sometimes get thrown. use of sobering up at the advanced different is my own attitude. I have with it. ‘But believe me, if several “Please, everybody!” I shouted age of thirty-eight. My sponsor and felt up and down, young and old, meetings went by and nobody re- at a very small meeting. “Please stop her helpers, who were all more or according to my own inner state of marked upon my physiological and/ talking all at once. Grandma can’t less my age, assured me that if I’d being. I know now that in my atti- or AA age, I would work it into a hear.” I , . try it a day at a time, there might tude, not in the state of the world, talk as fast as you can say Bill There was dead silence and then

solicitude. “We’ll move our chairs I have to say “Hurray!” to my up closer to you,” they said. pigeon, who was in grade school at I also went through a self-con- the time. To everybody in AA scious stage where I was trying not everywhere, young, old, new, not so to lay down the law, and yet knew new, I say “Cheers!” as I raise my that I was. “And were you stuffy coffee cup skyward. All of us befor a while back there!” says a long to this wonderful Fellowship, beautiful, blue-eyed blonde. and it has to change, and it has to But lately I find myself relaxing grow, because that is the nature of into this new world. I don’t have a life-giver. to call every single meeting to order, Once, my sponsor was asked to nor sum up everything that’s said. describe AA in one word. She said At least, I hope not! “Love.” That was a quarter of a The other day, a good friend century ago. I think that’s as true called me from New York, an AA of the “new” AA as it was of the contemporary of mine. Sadly, she old. told me that another mutual friend, F. M., New Canaan, Conn. so lovable, so unable to stay sober, had finally died on a drunk after all these years. My pigeon came over shortly after this, and I told him about it. “But at her age,” he said, “how Coming of Age In Sobriety could you tell that it wasn’t from natural causes?” At a meeting in New York, I TNMARCH of 1961, 1 Was twenty- drug addict. The only thing that heard a girl of twenty-two describe 1 eight years old. I had been bothered me was a queasy feeling a year’s sobriety in AA. Her talk The young dentist elected president of a civic club. I I had in the pit of my ‘stomach had both intelligence and heart. had success, was a deacon and a Sunday-school which hinted to me that everything I thought: In one short year she teacher. I had a lovely wife and was phony. I had accomplished has learned more than I ever will. family, recognition: three children. I had just begun a all the right things that our society And I started to give way to the dental practice in a beautiful new expected, and I had no real peace everything office. I had completed a three-year of mind nor gratitude. I was nothold self-pity. That sense of being really old, used up, a misfired rocket he needed tour in the Navy. My wife was in ing more than a spoiled, indulged, -all those things I thought at the the Junior League, and I was on and talented brat. beginning came back to me, and except . . . the board of directors of the local In less than two years I lost my I got depressed all over again. center for the mentally retarded. practice, my home, my wife, and But, after what might indeed be No one could have told me that my children. I tried the church and called mature reflection, I have to March that I had not earned all my psychiatry and finally came to AA. ‘say “Bravo!” to this kid, who wasn’t success, nor could anyone have told The last time I drank (in 1962), I even born when I first sobered up. me that I was an alcoholic and a drank for only four days, yet I

threatened to kill my children, I beat my wife at home and on the church steps, I mistreated a child in ”I came to AA because no other doors were open to me. 9 9

my office, and I ran to a hospital for mental illness to avoid jail. wife give birth to our second child kept me from running away. I do not know is difficult for me. I am one of the growing number and have several miscarriages, liv- My AA experience has been My gratitude to AA grows deeper of AA members who are second- ing in a turbulent household, and active: three meetings a week, each day I am sober. My second generation AAs; in fact, I was taken making continual attempts to be many tapes, many AA conferences, wife is a young AA member, too, to AA by a woman whom my father the respectable dentist, husband, much work on the Twelve Steps, and what a terrific adventure this had taken to AA thirteen years father, and community leader. and much work with other alco- is for us! All the statistics are earlier. I neither drank nor smoked A return to the united States holics and their families. AA has against me. I am a young alcoholic until I was nineteen years old. I proved effective as a geographical given me a new wife, a beautiful with a drug problem, a doctor, was an honor graduate in high cure, and a period of sobriety en- stepdaughter, a new practice, a new the husband of an alcoholic, the school, and I was a “good boy” to sued, with the help of the church. home, and a new relationship with son of an alcoholic, and a man once whom mothers pointed when their When I went back to my home my four children. Most important, diagnosed as a violent manic-desons went astray. Awarded a schol- town to go into private practice, I AA has enabled me to go back pressive. Why am I alive, free, a arship to a famous old Eastern experienced another brief lull in my and start growing up all over again respected member of my commucollege, I began to drink at the end addiction to alcohol and drugs. But in all areas of my life. Truth and nity? Because AA really works for of my freshman year, and by junior it did not take long for the pressures sincerity do not come easily to me. me! )ear I had to transfer to an easier of living to bring out my immatur- Admitting that I am wrong or that H.’ M. K., Texas state university to keep my grades ity and my insecurity. I depended up. Oddly enough, the dentist who on optimism and ambition to live in started AA in Amarillo, Tex., society; when I began to tire, 1 had benevolently arranged my admission to depend on chemicals instead to to dental college. During my first keep going. year there, I married. I came to AA simply because Fear, love of dentistry, and an there were no other doors of help imitation of my father’s periodic open to me in my home town. In drinking pattern took me through AA I have had to be torn down dental college soberly, except for and then put back together differthe few parties and vacations in ently. No one could live such an those four years. I graduated with irresponsible, immature life as I had honors, but could not feel any real without consequences. AA made it responsibility as a father or a hus- possible for me to face the conseband. quences of my past actions. After Then came my tour in the U.S. I came to AA, I was divorced by Navy, part of it being two years my wife; I lost my practice; I was in the Philippines. My life there was legally restrained from seeing my a nightmare of periodic binges on children; I went broke; and the alcohol and pills, adultery, unhappy dental society threatened me with hours at the dental office, seeing my the loss of my license. Only AA

July 1969

Young People and A A

Thank You, Casper Hurt, frightened, confused, she Young People and AA found help through her Higher Power, whom she chose to call Casper 0 NE OF THE most heartwarming happenings of our time is the ever-increasing number of young people joining the ranks of AA. Somehow the message has come through that it is not necessary to throw away a lifetime before asking for help. And rarely, nowadays, do we hear old-timers saying, “You! You’re not old there was no God, and felt sorry enough to be an alcoholic!” In AA, we are building bridges across the generation gap. I WAS THE little kid hiding in the clothes closet, crying “I hate you, God!” because Dad was drunk for those poor little wishy-washy lambs who were being fooled. How During the weekend beginning the twenty-fifth of this July, the again and fighting with Mom. In could there be wars, poverty, death Twelfth International Conference of Young People in AA will be that closet, I made two decisions: -how could Jan be so unhappy held at the Benjamin Franklin Hotel in Philadelphia, Pa. The the first, that I would never drink; if there was a God? stated purpose of the conference is to foster strength and unity by the second, that there was no God. I went my own way to find “the bringing young people together to exchange ideas and to discuss When I was twelve, I had a five- real answer.” Soon, I had several problems of living and recovery. There will be workshops, special year diary. On every single page I partners on my search: loneliness, events, AA meetings, a banquet and a dance, and unique contri- scratched, “I’m not going to be here resentments, and self-pity, then utter butions by Al-Anon and Alateen. on that day, anyway!” or, “I just despair and a very real fear. I re- In recognition of the growing importance of young people in AA want to die!” All during my high- sented my parents, my teitchers, and as a special salute to their upcoming conference, the Grape- school years I felt different. MY all these so-called adults. I resented vine offers the following section in which young people share their father was a drunk, and I couldn’t society and humanity as a whole. strength, hope, and experience with all of qs. . . . dress the way the other kids did. My journeys included traveling to My father was a drunk, and I had various cities. I was going to find to go home to the fighting, when the true meaning of life in -. the other kids went home to normal Things were really going to be families. different in – . They never Eventually, I withdrew, and re- were. In one city, I found a group sorted to staying in my room read- of “intellects” like myself, and we ing. I thought 1 was really better had discussions (in pubs and pads off, because other girls my age just where there was always booze talked about boys, deodorants, boys, usually just beer). I eventually clothes, other girls, boys. I knew found my “answer.” It was to get

plastered, to drink until that “Who gives a damn?” feeling came, then “Yes, that is how 1felt. I felt that hurt you are talking about!” to sit down with my fellow intellects and discuss the problems of the but I returned home more frightened was) with alcohol. I saw how al- strange, wonderful things began to . world. and confused than ever before. Very cohol had turned my utter confusion happen. But I still felt different, because I late one night ( I had long ago into mental hell. Today, my family is seeing me wanted to do something about the stopped going to bed before four I put the book down, grabbed happy (most of the time), when state of the world, and they just o’clock in the morning, because I the telephone directory, and looked before they could only stand by laughed at it. I tried and tried to knew I wouldn’t get to sleep be- up Alcoholics Anonymous. While helpless, seeing me lost, afraid, and develop this attitude, thinking, fore six), I was pacing the floor dialing that number, I knew my unhappy. Today we actually com- “Maybe it will come with the next in the living room when I noticed life was at stake. I spoke with an municate! My mother now looks at drink.” I became the one who sat a big book on the coffee table. AA, and after making arrange- me with joy in her eyes. My father, alone in the corner or on the bal- It was called Alcoholics Anony- ments to attend a meeting the who had been to AA a few times, cony, telling everyone who ap- mous. following night, I put down the decided to give it another try, and proached me to just go away and I picked it up and flipped through receiver and cried with sheer re- it is really beautiful, because this leave me alone, If I tried to explain it. First of all, I (the great intellect) lief. You see, I knew the AA mem- time it is for himself. When I first how and what I was feeling, I be- criticized the writers’ grammar, but ber understood how I felt! For the came into AA, I called him every . came more confused and alone, and reached the conclusion that the sin- first time in my life, I had hope. day and shoved the program down screamed that they didn’t and never cerity of the stories overcame the Upon entry into AA, I was issued his throat. It didn’t work. Out of would be able to understand. style. Then I felt scorn, for they some tools to help me survive, a sheer helplessness, I went to Young The booze had stopped working, mentioned the word “God” several program I could use every day. The Al-Anon, which is sort of juand I panicked. Of course, I never times. That, too, passed when I first tool was the Serenity Prayer: nior Al-Anon and senior Alateen. associated these deep, horrible de- began noticing that they added “as “God grant us the serenity to ac- (These fellowships, for relatives pressions with alcohol. I just I understand Him” after the word cept the things we cannot change, and friends of alcoholics, follow the knew there was something definitely “God.” My third reaction took the the courage to change the things we AA approach.) Here I was taught wrong with me emotionally. So, form of overwhelming waves of can, and the wisdom to know the to “Let go and let God.” I eased when I was about eighteen, I start- self-pity. “If only Dad had not been difference.” Of course, I couldn’t up on Dad, and one day 1 realized ed with the psychiatrist bit, and an alcoholic, these things wouldn’t pray, because I didn’t believe in that I actually loved him -wet or was introduced to pills. The pills have happened to me!” God. So I thought of it as a poem dry! were great -but only for a while. I continued reading – trying to and recited it first thing in the The most beautiful miracle of all For about four months, pills wash- get more food for my self-pity, I morning, about a thousand times is that today I am sane (comparaed down with booze became the now believe. Thank God (as I un- during the day, and before going tively), sober, and facing reality. answer. Then all hell broke loose! derstand Him) that I did, because to bed. I started going to sleep! I have a beautiful feeling of peace I ended up trying to do away with I soon realized that I was saying, They told me to stay away from inside me, where before there was myself, only to find I didn’t have “Yes, that is how I feel. I have felt the first drink, to get to a meeting just an unbearable hurt. I’m not the “courage.” I was so sure there that hurt you are talking about. I, every night, and to ask for help alone any more, and I am happy. must be a reason for living that 1 too, did strange things while drink- from a power greater than my- I celebrated my twenty-first birthwanted to stick around and find ing that I couldn’t remember.” self, a power of my own under- day in AA – man, what a way to out what it was. Then it hit me! Could I be an standing. Well, I did. I had to fake begin life! Thank you, Casper, for I agreed to enter a psychiatric alcoholic? For the first time, I as- it. I started calling this higher power Alcoholics Anonymous. hospital and try shock treatments, sociated my illness (whatever it Casper (my friendly ghost), and Anonymous, Boston, Mass.

July 1969

started wanting to get well. An AA There have been painful times, Young People and A A member suggested I try Al-Anon. happy times, fearful times, and There I was told that if I was to glorious times. Growing pains are get anything out of the program I sometimes hard lo bear, but the enshould give up all chemicals. I asked joyment of life on a more mature Growing Pains the Higher Power and called on the strength of the group to help basis more than compensates for the pain. This month I am twerityme do this. I have been free of all nine years old and almost five years From “high” living in Thailand to a down-to-earth chemical crutches ever since, one sober. I am still trying to reach search for understanding back home, day at a time. new levels of honesty and higher Exactly one year after my arrival spiritual dimensions and most of this youngster found maturity in A A at Al-Anon, I was behind the po- all to know the truth and be rid of dium in an AA group, admitting I ego. was an alcoholic. P. A. K., Amarillo, Tex.

M Y FIRST encounter with my selves into working hard, and drank addictive personality came on only on weekends. We had a commy fifteenth birthday. I was in the fortable home and lots of friends, Young People and A A hospital; the diagnosis was “nervous and were known as “that nice young condition”; the treatment was mor- couple.” To round out this beautiphine and tranquilizers. Very quick- ful picture, a girl child was born. Young People’s Groups ly I learned to produce agonizing Then, during the third year of our headaches to keep those needles marriage, my husband lost his job A chance to share our “inexperience” and pills coming. But my physician and accepted another one that took .within the framework of A A soon caught on. I was withdrawn us to Thailand. We were making from the drugs and sent home with more money than I had ever dreama bottle of sugar pills. I had over- ed possible. heard the plot, and I wondered why After two years of hard drinkon earth the doctor would do such ing, pill-taking, and hospitalization M Y FIRST contact with AA was in Buffalo, N.Y., over eleven years ago, at the age of physically, and some old-timers believe we’re doing great. But our insides still boil like mad. It appears twenty-three. The number of young that members of young people’s a thing. for operations, I came back to the people in AA was small, and I was groups have faced this fact and From that time until AA, I was United States. I had lost thirty a part-time hypochondriac. I say pounds; I had blood poisoning and lost and lonely as ever. I could begun to challenge each other’s part-time because making good a myriad of other physical problems. identify readily with the members’ fronts. We pretend not to care about grades, caring what people thought, I was hospitalized for about six stories, as I’d been in bad shape a job, a wife, a car, or anything from day one, but how to get well else that is brought up, until someand wanting to be somebody be- weeks and put back together physcame more important to me than ically. I knew I was emotionally was something else. I stayed sober body finally sits us down and tells playing the “sick” game. purely on guts for almost two years. us about fear of failure. and physically ill, but I did not In Buffalo, and later in Colorado In my senior year of high school, know I was an alcoholic. My doctor This is probably the most signifi- I started dating my husband-to-be. told me I must change my pattern cant problem the young person Springs, it seemed to me that AA He was eight years older than I and of living or I would not have much faces: He has little or no productive people thought it was great for well into his drinking problem. After longer to live. I don’t remember past, and organizing a life terrifies young people to join, but when it our marriage, we both threw our- consciously asking for help, but I him. Being young, we recover fast came to really “allowing” us to ..

participate in group activities, that characteristic of young people’s Most young people who have been starting out at low-salaried jobs. never happened. Feeling left out of groups. When you take the bottle around awhile seem pretty ada- Many view a y0un.g people’s society and merely tolerated really away from a young, active, hos- mantly antimedication. They feel group as an immature bunch. That bugs many of us. I will add here tile, antisocial character, you have most of us can survive without it is probably true; often, the members that these sick feelings I had didn’t the same character, minus bottle. and should suffer a little so that include few stable, longtime-sober help the group to warm to me, but It is probably hard for any group we will stick close to the group. people. Good members with one, many of us come to AA in that kind to stomach this opinionated, obnox- According to the World Directory two, or three years of sobriety someof shape. ious cat. Therefore, he doesn’t fit and local financial statements, the times seem to gravitate to more In 1961, in Denver, I finally in well and ends up with little financial contributions of young mature groups as they grow, and sobered up again and walked into a activity in the group and few people’s groups to GSO and Cen- then they only occasionally show group with a new attitude: I am friends. In a young people’s group, tral Offices or Intergroups appear up at young people’s meetings. Alhere, and I will get in, and I will most of us were or are like this, to be very low. Most of our groups though this keeps the group small get well in spite of my sick feelings, and the group can understand and are very poor. Many young people and immature, it also keeps it from fears, hates. After a while, I realized survive such behavior until the new- do not recover financially for a long getting too big and creating a that other young people weren’t comer settles into the group. Like time. Divorce, becoming more prev- schism. staying. I had to have someone any group, most of us have lots of alent yearly, is one big cause. Also, we do not wish to draw our to relate to and get help from. So problems, but the understanding Many young men I know are either members away from the general some of us got together to form among us and the talking about hung with high support payments run of AA activities in their areas. a young people’s group. ourselves prevail. I’m sure these or are running from them and are We want to participate in AA-all It had been tried before, and had facts are true of other groups, too, afraid to get good jobs. Many others of it; but some of us do better if failed. Over and over we heard but I think they are most important have little or no employnient we first share our inexperience that it was unnecessary and that in young people’s groups. background and, therefore, end up among ourselves. ours would fold as the other had. Surprisingly, the problem of sex 1. G., Sun Francisco, Calif. Being an unpopular group, we were is not any bigger than in other not particular about who came in, groups. Some chasing goes on, as and we had all kinds. We struggled, it does in any group of people. Most Young People and A A and were still there to welcome the groups and individuals I’ve met face International Conference of Young the problem with a good degree Youth Reaches Out to Youth’ People, held July 1967, in Denver. of honesty. Drug addiction is a Yet the only thing we ever did in problem in many groups, but here ESS THAN a year ago, Bunky that early group was talk about us and how we really felt before we have a slight advantage. A young addict who comes to one of our A teenager himself L was a patient in the alcoholic ward of a state hospital. and after getting sober. Had I not groups is accepted provided he not too long- ago, During the past nine months, been forced to be responsible for remembers it is an AA group. he has influenced the lives of more my group, show up every week, and Between the alcoholics and the ad- Bunky found it’s than a hundred Alateens as their talk about me, I doubt if I’d be dicts, the problem is usually faced; a short step from sponsor in Fort Worth, Tex., and here and sober today. help is offered; and the person either this is only a small part of the work In these groups, it’s pretty hard gets well or gets lost, without helping Alateens to of an AA member who is himself to put up a front when everyone spreading his problem to the sick only a few years past legal voting around you has the same hang- alcoholic who is trying to get well. helping all teens age. v ups. That is the second significant The pill-head poses a real problem. He and his devoted Al-Anon wife

Jerry’s first day with Bunky, there was a city-wide Intergroup meeting, where the protCg6 helped with serving coffee and cold drinks, All the AA people welcomed Jerry into the Fellowship. He also came to the Alateen meetings. Jerrv was amazed at the friendliness oi the Alateens and AA memhave eclipsed anything that has bers. He had lived in the jungle happened to the Alateen movement along the railroad tracks and had in the past quarter of a century in never before associated with per- Forth Worth. Alateens have regular sons like them. His appreciation and meetings once a week at the Harbor comprehension of the AA way of Club and have a number of projects life were immediately discernible in under way at all times. They have his complete change of character. brought programs to many groups When his court hearing came up, he in North Texas and to the state was admitted to a juvenile home hospital where Bunky was a patient. maintained by the city, and was left But Bunky’s work is not con- under the sponsorship of Bunky. fined to sponsorship of Alateens. A Jerry is now-in school, and Bunky few months ago, he read a story has received good reports of him in the newspaper about a fourteen- from the home’s advisers. year-old boy who had been held in Bunky became aware that other . jail several months for glue-sniffing. boys i n ~ t h esame category as Jerry This seemed to Bunky an injustice, needed help. He organized other so he went to see the city judge young Mexican-American glueand found the child had been ad- sniffers into activity groups and judged a delinquent and was soon sports teams to help them all. The to be sentenced to the reformatory. boys know Bunky is on their side Bunky broke his anonymity to because of his interest in Jerry; they the judge and told him he would respond immediately to his leaderlike to utilize the AA program to ship and counsel. help this boy recover. After several Bunky and his Alatecns are in conferences between the AA and demand all over North Texas for the judge and probation officers, the help with programs, and other judge released the diminutive Mexi- groups hope t o emulate their can-American boy to Bunky and his example. All they need is another wife. They took him into their home, Bunky to provide leadership, inspirand Jerry, the prot6g6, came to the ation, and impetus. club with Bunky every day. On J . C., Forth Worth, Tex.

July 1969

Don’t read this if you’re over thirty. ..

1. COPPED OUT that we were the 8. MADE BOOK on all the Cats least with the Lush – and, like, we had cut and came on to make everything we were puttin’ down it groovy. was nowhere. 9. MADE IT COOL with all these 2. CAME ON that the Big Daddy-0 Cats, but not, like, if it bugged could free us from Camarillo. them or some other Stud. 3. MADE IT TO TURN the whole Gig over to the Top Cat. 10. KEPT SCANNING t h e Scene, and if we came on funky – Cop- 4. LIKE, WE SCANNED i t a l l – ped out. our Cool Scenes and our Evil Riffs. 5. COPPED OUT to the Big Man, 11. CONTINUED T O MAKE I T another Cat and to Number One with the Big Dad and tried to pick just where we lost the Beat. u p on his Arrangement – and blow the Right Sounds. 6. TOLD THE TOP CAT – “Like, Take it, Man!” 12. HAVING DUG OUR DHARMA 7. WALKIN’ HUMBLE, we told we came on with the L u ~ hwho is the Man – “Let me cool these Evil still turnin’ on, and tried to be Gigs.” cool in all our Gigs.

July 1969

Young People and A A

In A A at twenty-one, he had five years o f sobriety before taking what he calls

The First Step: Phase Two

though I was going through all the T ONIGHT I attended a discussion meeting on Step Three. It had such an impact on me that I am by being chosen chairman of a large group in Manhattan, having my story appear in the Grapevine, and motions. I would constantly separate myself from the others before the still shaken as I write this. As speaking at New York Intergroup’s meetings by standing in the back a guide toward long-term, comfort- annual dinner. I lost sight of what of the room or off to the side, or able sobriety, this meeting is prob- brought me to AA. I forgot that by coming in late. Then after the ably of greater importance than the without gratitude and honesty it was meeting I would run from person first meeting I attended. In a sense, a sure bet that I would not stay to person, stopping only long enough I retook the First and Third Steps sober. to say, “Hi, how are you?” A friend tonight, only with much greater It is not easy for me to admit that asked me, on a couple of .occasions, awareness, faith, and feeling. in many ways I have been dying if I was getting votes. I knew what I am in my fifth year of sobriety, inside, while trying to maintain a he meant, but I made like I didn’t. having come to AA when I was confident pose on the outside. The Another friend remarked that the twenty-one years old. Too often, I constant, frantic activity that I have only way I could greet more people have been treated as, and thought engaged in during the past thrcc after a mccting would be on roller of myself as, the boy wonder who years has effectively served as a not run any longer. I must ask for, skates. gets to AA early in his life, then means of preventing me from hav- and be willing to accept, the help Part of the reason this behavior goes on to become an inspiration ing to face me. It is easier for me of fellow members of our beloved persisted so long was that I could and an example to the young ones to be among a hundred persons at community, the Fellowship of AA. easily justify it as work which should who follow. My character defects meetings than it is to be alone or Just as people were aware of my be done and as a means of helping have allowed me to think of my- with one person. It is easier for me drinking problem long before I was many people. Also, I seem to be a self in such a way. Had I truly to speak to a crowd than it is for aware of it, or was willing to admit leader by nature; people expect . been working the program, I would me to write this article. But I have to it, so, too, were people aware that me to be a leader, and it is a job not have been so adversely affected gotten to the point where I just can- I was not working the program, al- 1 enjoy and feel comfortable doing.

But it was becoming increasingly be his sponsor. Whenever I sensed night, the decision that I have to of gratitude, and of faith that I am difficult for me to lead, since I was that someone was about to ask get well, and that I cannot afford doing what is necessary. I have been always fearful that people would me, I would take off. I did not want to waste one more day in isolation. alone long enough. I want to have, discover I was not what I seemed. the commitment, nor did I want For me, this decision means the and to be, a friend. I want to break I have spent far too many hours anyone to get to know me. I ex- difference between living and exist- out from behind this self-constructed and too much energy trying to cused myself by saying that there ing, between being dry and being wall. satisfy every person I know, so that was so much work to do with new sober. The degree to which I am Sharing my experience and hope no one person might feel ill will to- people who were young that I could willing to get well and care about ward me if I did not do what was others will be the degree to which

T not devote to one or two individuals expected of me. I was always a re- a greater part of my time than to I really live. My inner man came onigh~I am filled flection of the group and the opin- the others. into being only through working ions of those I was with. I would For this reason, I must be grateful the program, and the things I con- with a deep abundance go to any lengths to have people to a friend who persisted in treat- sider defects of character can be o f being, o f gratitude, think I was doing well, and at the ing me like a sponsor and then start- changed through using the teachings and o f fai~h. . . same time I resented their failure to ed talking about me as being his of AA. My inner man has standards see how poorly I was really doing. sponsor, although he never really of conduct and right thinking, a I wanted people to compliment me asked me. Actually, he has been knowledge of what is goodness for at tonight’s meeting was important, and express gratitude, yet I ‘would more a sponsor to me; his persis- me. I hurt and suffer to the extent since others soon joined in and did be very upset when they did. I knew tence was the initial thrust that pro- that I outwardly violate those stan- the same. A member with many I had many good qualities, but I also duced the admission and decision of dards. years of sobriety admitted that he knew I could not use them to ad- this evening. I took what might be I am grateful that only twenty- has felt the same way as I, and still vantage for fear “they” might not considered the First Step, Phase five years of life have gone by. When does, and only in the last three approve -whoever “they” were. Two: admitted that I was powerless I first came to AA, I felt that I had weeks has realized how he has com- There has been an increasing over what people thought of me, been on my way to an early death, promised his recovery, how he has gulf between the inner me and the and that my actions and thoughts and I thought that would have been denied himself the full benefit of outer me. This has created an iso- had become unmanageable. I had to tragic. But I soon realized that the what the program offers. How surlation and an inability to feel for admit that I needed friends, that real tragedy would have happened prised I was to hear men and others. Since I no longer choose to friendship was not a threat, and that if I had lived and had had to en- women much older than’ I, some . use alcohol to escape myself, I must the inner me and the outer me had dure the deterioration, disintegra- married and with children, also tellnot only face myself, but do some- to achieve a oneness, a unity. tion, misery, and hopelessness of ing the group that they feel this thing about caring for others. Until My gratitude also extends to a the active alcoholic’s life. sense of isolation and of alienation. now, for someone to tell me that woman whom I wanted to love, but I believe that tonight I reached What hope it inspires to know that they loved me was like pointing felt unable to. She, too, persisted a “sober” bottom in AA. I believe this problem transcends groupings I a dagger at me. It was not a com- in a show of affection for me. I I can now really start to get at the and categories. fort but a threat. It explains why could accept the relationship only very deep, basic personality defects. For a time, I used the rationaliza- I “fired” my sponsor last fall when so long as she did not expect any- Having established a firm founda- tion that this problem was con- I felt he was getting too close to thing of me. I am thankful that she tion in AA, I hope to start building nected with my youth, relative to the inner me, and why I have not made it impossible for me to run a comfortable home within myself, most in the Fellowship, that it was called him since. It also explaiiis away, and thereby helped me to a home that I can allow others to the period of questioning and alienwhy, after years in the program, not face myself. Both of these friends see and share. Tonight I am filled ation that I had skipped while a one person has ever asked me to are responsible for my decision to- with a deep abundance of being, teenager. I am grateful that a young

people’s group was started recently although I am in graduate school, here in New York, so that I could have traveled, and have worked. measure myself against my contem- This lack of confidence in myself poraries. It became apparent that was one more factor in my decision other young AAs did not share this to try to change the person I am. feeling to any great extent, and I felt that some force, greater than therefore I lost my rationalization. myself, was at’ work tonight at that Another experience contributed AA meeting, trying to show me to my discovery that as a man I that I did not have to be sick any was doing very poorly. A few times longer. The leader of another meet- I attended parties where there was ing, a few weeks ago, said: “The moderate drinking and most of the long-range comfort is worth the guests were around my age. I felt short-range hurt.” uneasy and miserable. They were I now believe that to be true, for not impressed with my length of “comfort” is what I want most. In sobriety. They knew nothing of AA deciding to get well I insure a greatand the Grapevine, both so much er awareness and appreciation of a part of me that I didn’t like being my sobriety, my sanity, and my in places where they meant nothing. serenity. Thank the Higher Power I felt that if I had to compete with for AA. any of these people I would fail, A . H., Manhattan, N.Y.

July 1969

A teenager tells it like it is I would stop there, for I would be From Viet Nam: with friends, who would keep tabs My first drink, at the age of on me. I stopped taking dope, but seven, was given to me by my the drinking got worse. Up to that brother-in-law. I got drunk and time, I had had three or four blackpassed out. My mother made me go outs, and the shakes a couple of to school the next day, as sick as I times. I knew about AA, through was. Alateen, but did not want to admit I didn’t drink again for seven that I was alcoholic. years, but then I started to drink I was doing no good in San Franfor the taste of it. That lasted for cisco, so I looked into the Army about a year and a half. Then I got and enlisted. I was sober while my driver’s license and a car, and I was in boot camp. Then came my excessive drinking started. I AIT training in Fort Gordon, La., went to Alateen, but after meetings and I started drinking again. It I would drink. I drank every chance lasted two or three weeks, two of I had. When Mom and Dad got which were a complete blackout. a divorce, it got worse, for I was I hurt a lot of people that time. working -or trying to -and the It was then I decided I was having money I made went for booze and trouble with booze. dope. I wrote this to my mom, who al- At the age of seventeen and a ready knew I had a problem. By half, I was sent to San Francisco the way, she has been a member by my mom. She and I thought of AA for almost six years. I have not had a drink since then, and I have admitted I have a problem with alcohol. I am in Viet Nam and would like to become a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am now eighteen and a half years old. WARREN W.

September 1969

“May I never repea! those words.. .” discord along with the usual remarks they didn’t think I was an alcoholic From Reno, Nevada: from the older ones: “We don’t last year and that they still thought I first met AA when I was twenty- think you are an alcoholic.” that way. I would like to get sober one years old. The members were I kept in touch with some of the and stay sober. I know I can’t do all middle-aged and had been good, members, but I started drinking it on my own; this is why AA has hard drinkers. They told me I wasn’t again. For about four years, I made always called me back. I have a old enough to be an alcoholic. So I life hell for my family and almost drinking problem, and I think I’m continued on my merry drinking lost them. I am surprised that they an alcoholic! ways. stayed around. We moved three or Groups wonder why some mem- About five or six years later, I four times, and last year I con- bers don’t stay sober very long. How was tired of my drinking and wanted tacted AA again; went to one mcet- can they? – when they hear, “We to quit, so I again went back to ing, and my contact said he would don’t think you are an alcoholic.” AA. This time there were more pick me up for the next meeting, If I ever get sober, may I never remembers and younger ones, so I as I had no way to get there. I never peat those words to someone who was able to get sober and stay that saw him again. So I continued drink- is looking for help. way for about seven years; but for ing. L. D. S. about the last five of that seven I This week I went to the meetdidn’t go to meetings, as there was ing on my own and was told that

September 1969

‘I like life this way!’ From Temple City, Calif. : When I hit AA in 1952, I was vinced, the underlying spiritual printwenty-nine. At that time, in our ciples and power that are our area, I was very much a youngster. Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions, Most members seemed to be fifty and Twelve Concepts are quite imand up. I still marvel that I began mutable. The only change could be becoming teachable-quite incredi- in our application of these to ourble for a pseudointellectual snob selves, our groups, and our Fellowlike me. ship as a whole. Why argue with Since I passed the forty mark, I success? have had, on many occasions, D. B. doubts as to my ability to communicate with our present influx of members in their teens and early twenties. I do make the effort to carry the message (Big Book style). However, I have been able to shuck off much of my phony sophistication. I’m a virtual square according to my former standards, and I find that I

like life this way! I don’t want to put on an act for anyone any more As Popeye says: “I yam what I yam and that’s all I yam.” For me, I have become con-

November 1 9 6 9

Young members and AA unity From Philadelphia, Pa. : On behalf of the Planning Com- From Dallas, Tex.: mittee for the 12th International A big “thank you” to the Grape- Conference of Young People in AA, vine staff, who have been so I send our heartfelt thanks for the thoughtful toward young people in outstanding job you have done in AA the last few months. Six years the publicizing of this event and in ago, when I got sober in AA, I the general articles you have run eagerly looked forward to seeing concerning young people and Alco- letters and stories from other young holics Anonymous. people – especially those in their We feel sure that because of your teens and twenties. And now, in articles even people who have not 1969, already you have run two had the opportunity to attend have editions with sections devoted to a much better understanding of the young AAs’ stories. purpose of these conferences. There- This week, we returned from the fore, the articles have advanced the International Conference of Young cohesiveness and unity of purpose People in AA at Philadelphia, with we all wish for all AAs of all ages. knowledge that the conference next While the local press was ex- year would be in Fort Worth. (We tremely kind and cooperative in are members of the Fort Worth publicizing our conference, we real- Young People’s Group, which will ize that the only real and significant be host.) vehicle we have for communication While in Philadelphia, we heard within AA is the Grapevine. a number of people commenting, “I DON C. came here because of the articles in the July Grapevine.” These people were from Chicago, Kansas, and points west. D. and c. w.

November 1969

Young People in AA States and provinces represented in- Do Their Thing cluded California, Iowa, Texas, New Invigorated by an abundance of young York, New Jersey, Delaware, Maryland, people attending from throughout the Massachusetts, Connecticut, Georgia, U.S. and Canada, AAs of various ages Virginia, Montana, Illinois, Kansas, Mistook part in a something-for-everybody souri, Colorado, Ohio, Hawaii, Ontario, three-day International Conference of and Quebec. Young People in AA, held during the Meeting concurrently with the Phillast weekend of July in Philadelphia, Pa. adelphia conferees, the-international Ad- About 550 persons purchased tickets for visory Council of Young People in AA the climactic banquet; a total of 770 announced that the site for the 13th registered at the conference. International Conference of Young Peo- The Philadelphia conference was her- ple in AA would be Fort Worth, Tex., alded and accompanied by many articles, during the weekend of August 14, 1970. announcements, or presentations by the -G.M.,Philadelphia, Pa. press, radio, and T V channels. Both the unusual public attention and the massive intra-Fellowship drive to attract participation generated much direct and indirect Twelfth Step . activity, certain to have a reverberating effect through the years. Worksho~swere held under such titles as “Age I s – ~ o tMy Problem,” “Multiple Addictions.” and “Is Sobrietv Your Thing?” Both Al-Anon and Alateen held sessions during the conference. Alateen put on a laugh-evoking fashion show and luncheon, and experts in the field of alcoholism took part in the Al-Anon discussions. Entertainment highlights included dancing to a live orchestra in the main ballroom of the Benjamin Franklin Hotel and a guitar-playing, folk-singing fete held in the hotel’s Independence Room.

December 1969

The “tender years” From Woodhaven, N.Y. : I realize today that I had one I have just finished the September issue of the Grapevine, and two problem in that year and it wasn’t my age. I didn’t want to stop drinkletters in the “Carrying the Mes- ing. When, at last, I wanted to stop sage” department have prompted I found people my age and younger my writing. The two letters are who were sober. I have a sponsor closely related in that they both deal with whom I can identify, although with younger members and the age he is almost twice my age. He has of the alcoholic. been and continues to be a great I came to this tremendous Fel- factor in this new way of life that lowship at the age of twenty-eight. AA has given me. I used my “tender years” as a cop- I have found that any member who is working the program is flexible enough and open-minded enough to communicate with any other member, regardless of age. No member has ever told me that I wasn’t an alcoholic or that I was too young. out and continued to drink for a G.MCC. year in and out of AA. I looked for younger people and couldn’t find them. 1 said the older members didn’t understand me.

April 1970

Close That Gap! W e measure our disease, not in years, but in pain, says this grateful young alcoholic

A T THE age of twenty-three, I have not had to take a drink or a pill for over sixteen months. fellow alcoholic into a special category, that of the young alcoholic. I consider myself a young human Often, I am reminded by older AA being, but I suffer from an old dismembers how fortunate I am to have ease. found this program a t such an early Our Fellowship’s second Legacy, age, since it is saving me from the that of Unity, is being affected in years of pain it took for them to get areas where there ark many young here. I am very grateful to have AAs, I think. If anyone feels, as I do, found this way of life at my age, but I that there is a communication or don’t feel that pain can be measured generation gap existing in his group, in years or classified and labeled in then he must agree that this can only the same manner as stock on a super- cause disunity, an extreme danger to market shelf, with a certain amount the group and to AA as a whole. of stock calculated to fill the shelf to I think the gap can be closed and capacity. It took just what it took to sealed by a little effort among both bring me to AA, the same as anyone the older and the younger AAs. else. Yet, sometimes, I feel like an If we younger people, who are apprentice when older members con- entering AA in increasing numbers, gratulate me for coming to AA be- will make it a point to become more fore I went. “all the way down.” My involved with the program, in all decision to call AA was made out of areas, sharing our experience, desperation and with only two other strength, and hope, there will be no choices possible: insanity or death. gap! And if the older AAs will look, I realize that these older members not at our youth, but at the facts that are sincere, but I wonder whether we have the same disease and that they understand that these state- without help we’ll suffer the same ments have created and widened an end, there will be no gap! AA generation gap, by placing a Bob F.. Pacific Grove, Calif.

May 1970

A lcohol and Pills I don’t remember where we got it all. We picked up some girls. We drank all of the stuff we had, and we tried a few new pills. This went Anything on for some time, and the kicks seemed to die out for us. So we for Kicks decided to try a new drink. We took what was left of the wine, whiskey, and cider and boiled it in our This yoirngster coffee, then drank it between us. It knocked us into a drunken stupor. tried it d l During this time, my younger nnd now trr’s brother tried to get up and fell into the fire on his right shoulder, burntrying A A ing his arm badly. The result was that it had to be amputated. I have used pills and tried LSD

I A M NINETEEN years of age and have been in trouble most of my life. When I was nine, my brothers for kicks, though marijuana never did appeal to me, but 1 guess the cause of most of my trouble was and I had a habit of swiping whis- drinking and pills – and hating to key and beer from our dad and do the right things. I was always drinking what we could. We always moving from younger gangs to older had a desire to be on our own, to ones, from little drinks to bigger fight our way alone, and our folks and bigger ones, learning more and didn’t seem able to show us whether more of the seamy side of life, they cared for us or not. I guess we drinking more and more to get were too many. All of this comes away from it all. home to me now as I listen to Finally, 1 wound up in this hosothers tell their stories, and I sit pital, where I am trying hard to back realizing why lots of this hap- help myself. It is a difficult matter, pened to me. I am right along with as I’ve been through so much, but them, and they understand me. 1 believe that with AA help I can During one of our camping trips, improve. It’s bad to be such an my brothers and I went to the river alcoholic at my age, but I am ready for a day or two. The folks didn’t to accept aid, and I hope that the care where we went. We were out understanding of those about me for a good time, as kids of today will keep me on the AA way. I understand a good time. We had pray the year ahead will be better camping food, enough for’ three for me. days, and equipment, too, though W.G., Fulton, Mo.

May 1970

6et off our backs! From Granada Hills, Calif. : My first sergeant in the Marine Corps told me I’d never live to age twenty-five. But I made it to AA at age twenty-four, right under the wire. When you get your first 502 as a teenage marine, you have a problem. I certainly don’t enjoy hearing how fortunate I am to get to AA at this young age from some lofty old

daff who’s never lost a family or jobs (fifteen one year), never had his head split open, etc. I guess what I’m saying to the forty-plus set is: Get off the backs of young AAs. I’ve never met a person in an AA meeting for the first time who wasn’t there for a very important reason – sobriety – regardless of age. Each year, AA gets younger. At twenty-eight, I am an old man at some of the meetings I attend in the Los Angeles area. One more thing: I don’t shout from rooftops that.1’m an AA member, but I would do so if I thought it would help some poor wet one. I believe in twisting a man’s arm to get him to a meeting. L. L. ,

September 1970

What generation gap? From Yorkton, Sask.: Lately, there seems to be a lot of was a good out, so I attended AA discussion at AA meetings over the for eight months, during which time generation gap. This is great! It I heard older members tell how they gives the younger AA members a had lost their families and jobs and chance to express their views and had been in jail. None of these also to hear the views of the older things had happened to me, and I member. I, for one, am glad to hear was always told how lucky I was, this subject discussed at meetings. coming to AA at such a young age. At seventeen, I joined the Army, But this was the out I was looking and at the age of twenty-one I was for. I had no honest desire to stop in a psychiatric ward. The doctor drinking, and having quit for this told me I was a weekend alcoholic, long, I figured I could handle the a payday alcoholic, and an alcoholic, stuff. Well, eight years later, I had period. I did not believe the doctor. lost family and jobs, and most im- ,How could a young man in good portant, I had lost my self-respect. physical condition, active in all I hated myself. One morning, after getting out of jail, I knew in my heart that 1 was an alcoholic. Everything I ever had that was good was ruined because of alcohol. Through the haze, I remembered the AA stories, and I wanted out of the rat race. I went sports, be an alcoholic? back to AA. . After a month in the psychiatric Today I am grateful to the older ward, I was told I could go if I members of AA. They kept the attended AA meetings. Also, my doors open for the younger generacommanding officer said all charges tion. There is no generation gap in against me would be dropped if I AA as far as I am concerned. In attended AA for three months. This AA we all have the same sickness. J. L.

January 1971

rather was sent back -to the States. My husband was discharged dishonorably after a thrsc-month stay at a penitentiary in Germany. We got back together, rented a M y Name Is house, and got a junkie hoarder. Now wc had thrcc habits to support. never stopped my drinking for any My child Wils four years old. I had Patricia length of time. I divorced my first husband and just gotten hcr back, but I stx)n lost her to my parcnts, which I thank remarried seventeen days later. Out God for. I lost hcr for a lot of good of the frying pan into the fire! My reasons, including my husband’s bcchild was six months and six days ing shot by my boyfriend, the junkie old when this second marriage oc- boarder. He was shot fivc times, hut curred, in February 1962. This timc, lived. I got several charges, but they I married a guy two years my senior. were dropped. The boyfriend got jail “I can M Y N A M E is Patricia, and 1 am an alcoholic and an addict to almost anything addictive. I am He had been a boyfriend of mine in high school, but an enemy after my timc ;ind was released after about fivc months. twenty-seven years old. I have been graduation. Anyway, we married During this five months, I wcnt to now see thdt through two divorces and have an more or less on a buddy system. We the Federal hospital at Lexington, eight-year-old daughter. I have been both said “I love you” and “I do,” and so did my husband. tic left a a member of AA for about three or but what we meant was “I need you” week before 1 did and got a job and good is good four weeks. (misery likes company) and “I will” another good start on drugs and al- 1 had my first real drinking prob- (each of us had a will to do what- cohol. He came to Louisville and got lem at the age of eleven and a half ever the other did). Drinking, taking me, and we arrived in Daytona and had or twelve. In the years after that – pills, and finally shooting narcotics, Beach. Fla., four days later. ( A more than half my life – it got con- we were real miserable. We fought straight-through drive would take tinually worse. When I was barely with one another, stole together, only eighteen hours.) To maintain is n connived, and lied to and for one sixteen, I married a man six years our habits in Daytona, we worked, my senior, who was bisexual. We another for about two years. We stole, and all the rest. He went to a good were married without the consent or even got a house, furniture, all the state reformatory for a threc-ycnr knowledge of either of my parents. rest, but then we got busted and lost sentence, heci~usche had bccn caught In about three years of marriage, I everything. We did six months. in il drugstore after it closed. I did lesson” only lived with him for about a year Somehow, we got into the Arm:/. not even try to get him out on bond and a half. During this time, I com- That is, he did. We went to Texas or consult an attorney. I came back pleted my high-school education and and Germany and took along our to Louisville sick and stayed hooked about one year of college. I also had alcoholism, addiction to drugs, and and drank excessively for two a child, when I was nineteen. My all the habits we could. It was quite months. I then wcnt to Lexington husband was not the father. And I an experience for us and for all con- again. This was my fourth or fifth cerned. Needless to say, we got into time. I stayed there one wcck. I trouble again. I came back – or didn’t take narcotics for about two

nlonths after 1 canie out, but 1 did a blackout that time. My sponsor drink. Finally, I got a good job, and came over the next day. My parents I immediately started drinking wine wanted me committed. But I wasn’t. and tcrpin hydrate. It got worse. I Since then, I’ve not drunk a drop of got on the needle. anything. I’m getting off pills with I withdrew at home this time, in the help of a physician. It will soon January 1968, with the help of a be four weeks. physician. niy parents, and a few I’m beginning to have peace of friends. It took three weeks or more, mind more and more, day by day. during which time 1 nearly died. Just I’m finding out more about life, beforc this, I had had a complete learning to love, and-gosh! I don’t Ilysterectomy. (1 had had n partial know what all or how to say it-I’m in 1964 at Lexington.) Anyway. finally getting to know and underagain I stayed off narcotics for a stand God and happiness. I am able short length of time. I never quit to share life with my eight-year-old drinking. I got worse again. I starred daughter, too. on pills of any kind, cough syrup, By the way, on the day of the i \ h h o l , prostitution, and the whole moon walk I was shocked to learn involvcnicnt. On Christmas Eve, that there had been ten other Apol- 1968. I woke up in a hospital emer- los, and I shed tears for the work of geocy room. Then I was taken to a God and His miracles. Before, I had doctor’s ofice and to the city morgue had the opinion that it was all fanat the hospital. There I was told by tasy, and why did they want to exa familiar voice, “Raise up and look. plore the moon when they had their 7h1s is where you’ll end up if you hands full with the mess here on don’t stop.” The voice belonged to earth’? 1 had lost all belief in God, i1 detective I feared. except when I got into trouble or I just collapsed. I had not eaten needed a way out of jail. or slept in nearly a week. I learned AA is my life in many ways, as I I ~ i r t ltaken an overdose of diet pills. I’m sure all who seek it and follow I had drunk too much, too. They its program have found out. It is my wouldn’t keep me at the hospital or pathway to righteousness and human thc jail. They released me to my concern for my fellowman. This is pandering so-callcd boyfriend. my “high” in life. The AA Grape- After that, it got even worse. I vine is great and has really helped was in jail twicc and in ;i psycho me. I now can see that good is good, ward tor live days. I got into AA and bad is a good lesson. I can also dtcr the nut-ward incident, only to see that God didn’t throw the mold shp, ;tnd woke up in my bed at home away after He made me. He just In a pool of blood, with both arms alters it a little for each of us. cut all to pieces. I had had a dilly of P. McC., Louisville, K y .

October 1971

‘Because I wanted to’ From Faribault, Minn.: I’m onc of the so-called young punks in AA. with lcss than thrcc ycars’ sobricty. undcr thirty ycars of agc. I suppose I’m also in mother minority, hccausc I havcn’t cxpcricnccd a slip since my coming into AA, approximately two and a half ycars ago. A young fellow asked mc onc day how I did it, how I maniigcd to miikc this period of sobricty without having trouble. I nnswcrcd simply and sincerely. “Hccause I wantcd to.” I wanted sohricty so badly that I bccamc willing to shut up and listcn to the wisdom handcd to me without charge by oldcr members of AA, who had cxpcricnccd sobricty and proved thcir wisdom by maintaining thcir sobricty. The gcncration gap may become evident in a new h;iir fad or clothing stylc, but humanity’s problems rcm;~inthe samc as they always have bccn and always will he. cspccially in the life of the alcoholic. M. H.

December 1971

hind in their education. And the wasn’t what it used to be. “All this idea of Jimmy, aged fifteen, seeking talking about pills and drugs. You through prayer and meditation to wonder where the hell boozc has . improve his conscious contact with gone. And the kids! Some turning God is unusual. Nevertheless, they up at meetings who’ve never even are very much in earnest. had a shave yet, let alone a drink.” Then come the announcements: He seemed to feel his AA was being meetings of similar groups, anniver- threatened. He liked it bcttcr when saries, the dance at the end of the everybody was an honest-to-God month (admission one dollar), and drunk and you kncw exactly where chips for any who have stayed off you were -you could identify. drugs for three or six months. His friend agreed. “If they want Afterwards, we listen to the to get off drugs, why don’t they have speaker, who seems young to have their own meetings and call it Pills gone through all that she talks about. Anonymous and leave us alone?” The format is comfortably familiar. Their conversation, hostile and An AA Doctor Opens His Heart “My name is Debbie. I’m sixteen querulous, lapsed into reminiscence years old, and 1 am a nonusing drug about the many members they had Young people solving their problems addict. . . . I thought I was being real known who didn’t seem to be remind him that only a closed mind cool, but actually I was right out of around any more. “I wonder what it, couldn’t even remember where I happened to old Pete. Of course, he can hurt our Fellowship was. . . .” could be dead. I lost his telephone During her talk, I allowed my number after he moved.. . .” I

A T M Y AGE, it is not easy to sit cross-legged on the floor. It’s hard to get down and even harder modem crucifixion. There is a coffee urn. There are some adult AAs, like me, and one or two parents, mind to wander. I paid attention, gathered these two didn’t go to but was excited by this application meetings much any more. of my way of life. I marveled at I remembered a conversation I had to get up, and I need a wall to lean who look self-conscious. Mostly, this philosophy being responsible had with Dr. E. M. Jellinek. almost against. But the chairman had said though, it is just kids. They meet for a new salvation. I have been in exactly ten years ago. That kindly to grab a piece of floor, and I squatted in a circle. They are very AA longer than many of these kids scientist probably knew more about wanted to d o just that. I’ve been serious. have been alive. I remembered a alcoholism in particular and addicback a few times, and I think they Brian, aged sixteen, reads the friend telling me once, long ago – tion in general than anyone I’ve met accept me, these children -not steps: “We admitted we were pow- when we talked only about alcohol before or since. He talked about totally, of course, but partly. We try . erless over drugs . . that our lives and amphetamines were just some- drugs. He told me that any alcoholic to understand each other. had become un -un -un-man- thing people used for weight con- who took barbiturates was eating his The signs on the wall are fa- age-a-ble. Having had a spiritual trol-that to make AA work, you alcohol instead of drinking it. I remiliar: “Stop criticizing and start awakening. . .we determined to had to love it. I do love it, and I membered I felt guilty thinking being thankful” and “But for the help other addicts and to practice want to share it and give it away, about the small vial of pills upstairs Grace of God.” There is a picture these principles in all our affairs.” wherever it can do good. -not in the bathroom cupboard, but of a young man inside a hypodermic The reading is labored. Some I remembered a discussion be- buried among my shirts. A doctor syringe, arms outstretched over the words are not too familiar to teen- tween two members about my age, had told me they were all right, top of the barrel; it is called the agers, especially those who are be- who were complaining that AA since he felt I needed my sleep. I

didn’t stop to wonder why it had talked about taking pleasure in the group. The chairman asked us to Too much, really, for thcir years. becn that doctor and not my regular things a sixteen-year-old girl should stand and close the meeting with the not all of it worthily gained. Could physician, who knew me and cer- enjoy – relationships both in and Serenity Prayer. childhood return to those who had tainly would never have prescribed out of her home, friends and – Somebody helped me up from acted-out so destructively in adult a barbiturate for me. about her concern over the kids the floor. 1 looked around at the ways? Perhaps their freaking-out Dr. Jellinek told me he liked to still “out there.” bowed heads -long-haired boys, had been total enough that memobc among AAs -he liked the way She spoke of having talks with her longer-haired girls, kids with bands ries would be repressed, like bid we tried to live our lives. I asked father, who had come to one or two on their teeth, a couple surrepti- dreams. him how long he thought AA would of the meetings. “He’s really a great tiously holding hands. They were In my heart, I added my private last. He said, “AA will last as long guy, and I know he loves me. I very serious. “. . .Courage to change prayer: “God make me grateful for as it is needed.” guess he was scared before and the things I can, and wisdom to all that has been given to me. Spare “And if it dies, what will have didn’t know what to say, so he tried know the difference.” me from rigidity. Bless these chilkilled it?” 1 asked. to play the heavy parent, and I Courage’ indeed! They had it, dren, and bless AA wherever it is One word came from him without thought he was a real square. Now these children. They were here, and however it performs its miraa moment’s hesitation: “Rigidity.” we get along, and he often asks my weren’t they? Each had lived cles. Amen.” Then we talked of other things, opinion about things. Mum, too, through a kind of hell. And wisdom! D.G . M., MD, Montreal, Que. but the conversation stayed with though I’m really closer to my fame. How right he was, certainly ther. I guess I don’t have much about drugs (the barbiturate soon more to say, . . .” Debbie’s pigtails went down thc toilet, after some flapped as she raised her head. She shattering experiences) and probably looked calmer now, more poised, about othcr things, too.. . . after giving her talk. Debbie was finishing her talk. The chairman said it had been She said she was doing better in great. Across the room, a lanky school now, getting better grades, boy growing out of his jeans and enjoying herself more. She thanked Debbie on behalf of the

January 1972 –

thing the group said to do, I did. 1 am now losing weight and feel fine. didn’t like it, and 1 wanted out. My (1 weighed 200 pounds.) bottom came up and hit me – I 1 still get some questioning looks Soon 1’11 Be Sixteen didn’t go down and hit it. I got in contact with AA through from old-timers, but I know I am an alcoholic, and that’s all that counts. a doper friend. She just needed some- I feel rejected at times because the thing to do. I stayed. I liked the love young people in our group are mar- She k n o w s she is an alcoholic – that I got. I needed the love. ried and get together quite often, I stayed in, drunk, wanting to be without me. But, God willing in and that’s w h a t c o u n t s about four years 1’11 be married, and ‘.a part of, not apart from.” Finally, after eleven months, I started work- then I’ll remember to ask the single

w ing the program. Things began young person to join in. HEN 1 FIRST CAME to AA, I these kids who smoked, drank, and My father is still drinking but I changing, and it was really beautiful couldn’t have been an alco- took drugs. My parents begged, beat, have to “let go and let God.” Maybe My relationship with my parents holic. It was impossible at the age and argued with me. But what the some day God will find him, also. and other people is great. The love of fourteen! hell! They were the ones who had In two months I’ll be sixteen, but receive, I pass along to still-sick At the age of six, I had my first me and never wanted me. They were I urn an alcoholic. alcoholics. God-my God-is very drink. Being the only girl out of the ones who put me through all the D.B., Liberal, Kans. patient, thank goodness for that. I three and being the youngest child, years of misery. Now was the time I could get my way. I now believe to pay them back, I decided. I was an alcoholic from the first I started taking drugs and drinkdrink, because from then on I set ing. My self-pity really got on fire. my life up in the alcoholic pattern. Booze and drugs helped relieve it I lived in fear of the day, in hatred, all. Wow! It was really weird. Sex in resentments, in a dream world. I became very important because 1 would dream I had six closets full of wanted love. Lots of love! I felt clothes and all the girls were jealous dirty inside. 1 was filled with selfof me. In real life, I was fat, over- hatred. I wanted to die. I wanted to bearing, and jealous of others. I end it all. I couldn’t – I was too hated my mother because she would scared. spank me and not let me go without I hated my father because he starta shirt like the boys. ed drinking when I was three and We moved away from that town was drunk most of the time. I hated just before I entered fourth grade. him and hated him – but I could I was really lonely. I had no friends get money from him. and I couldn’t make any. I was I thought my homclife was the loudmouthed and pushy, lonely and problem, so I started going to coundepressed from fourth grade through selors, church, head-shrinkers, the seventh and halfway through the whole bit. It didn’t work. So here eighth. That was the turning point of came the booze again. my loneliness and depression. I met I always wanted to belong. Any-

March 1 9 7 2

. ‘Are we ready. .?’ too young to take responsible leader- From Crestline, Calif. : ship. Stay around a few years, and There have been many agencies we will give it to you.” busy during the past ten years edu- God forbid this should happen! cating the general public as to, the We have been sent the precious gift exact nature of the disease of alco- of youthful enthusiasm, the gift of a holism. It has been my good fortune direct and honest approach, so much to do this sort of work with youth a part of our youth today, and the groups, women’s groups, and many means of carrying the message for others. We are being rewarded by years to come. R. R. the coming to AA of young people who have recognized the early symp toms of the disease and wish to do something about it. The question is: Are we ready for them? As these young people become a part of our,groups and wish to express opinions and participate in the activities, suppose we say to them, “You couldn’t know what I know, because you haven’t had time to experience all I did,” or “You are

April 1972

‘Too young’? Two answers Grapevine, and the two stories “Is From Warren, Ohio: There a Generation Gap?” and I enjoyed and could identify so “Soon 1’11 Be Sixteen” really got to much with “Soon I’ll Be Sixteen,” me. in the January Grapevine. I’ve been I took my tirst “cure” in 195 1, a! in AA since November 14, 1971, the age of twenty-two. The docto1 and am only twenty years old. I was told me I was too young to be an scared, because of my age, that peo- alcoholic. What beautiful music to ple would reject or make fun of me! my ears! I didn’t even have to attend But I sure got a surprise.’Most old- the compulsory AA meetings the tin~erstell me how fortunate I am to rest of the women in the ward went find AA at my age, because I have to. I was discharged after seven weeks in the hospital. my whole life ahead of me. I’ve also got acquainted with more young In six days, I was back, with both I people in AA in my city, who are wrists slashed, so drunk I was in a really a great help to me! blackout and had been for days. The I’ve got to learn and am learning doctors decided then that I was an that it’s not how many years you alcoholic, but I wanted to remember drink, it’s what it does to you. There I was too young to be an alcoholic. are people who drank for fifteen This time I had to go to AA, but years or so who haven’t done as everyone was so old I felt like some much as me. Besides, I drank when type of mascot and nothing go) I was a little girl. I was a real Dr. through. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde, so I really had to Now I’m forty-three and too old wake up! Thank God I woke up. to think I’m too young to be an al- M. C. coholic. Besides, now the doctors don’t have to tell me what my piob- From Seattle, Wash.: lem is. I know I’m an alcoholic. I

I just finished reading my January God bless the kids who can ac- I cept their alcoholisnl just as soon as they know there’s something wrong. and God bless the older alcoholics who can accept the fact that alcoholism knows no age boundaries. DONNA S.

November 1973

Why mention age? From Decatur, Ga.: In sharing my experience, strength, and hope, I must be honest. I have heard and seen some members of our program over forty years of age become resentful and closed-minded when the terms “under forty” and “young people” are used in any context. 1 realize this is their problem, but I also believe that these members aren’t seeing what the primary purpose of using a distinction in age can do. I believe that it can save lives. I believe that if more young, sick, suffering alcoholics were aware that there are other young alcoholics who have found recovery from their disease, more would come, look around, and stay to share with us our answers in Alcoholics Anonymous. I realize that AA is not a program to be promoted; it is one that attracts. But what better way can one be attracted to anything than to know that there are others just like himself in AA, finding answers he has searched for everywhere else? The distinction between those over and those under forty in our program, to me, is not only necessary, but vital. If one young, sick, suffering alcoholic can come to believe sooner because he sees others of his own age doing so, then what else really matters’! To me, there is one primary purpose for a distinction in age in our program: to help carry the message to the alcoholic who is still suffering. D. B.

November 1973

same meeting, a 10-year-old .boy reported he had been sober for a month. According to officials [sic] in AA, drugabuse prevention groups, and government agencies, these youngsters are pari’of a growing number of child and teen-age alcoholics, estimated at 7,500 in the Los Angeles area and 450,000 in the United States. June, 14, had her first drink when she was eight. She accompanied her mother to a party and, like many child alcoholics, was handed her first drink by an adult who thought it was funny to see such a small girl drunk. June, sober now for I I months, [says,] “My mother was an alcoholic. I was five years old and taking care of her, and I .. never brought any friends home. . I was drinking sloe gin and taking pills regu- The Youngeet AAe larly when I was nine.. . .I knew I had As reported in “Aborrr Alcolrolistn, “many a problem, but I didn’t want to identify ttovspcrpers h ~ e recently troted rising in- myself as an alcoholic, because 1 didn’t cidettce of rlte illt~ess ontong rlte very want to be what my mother was.” Today, young. Tlre Torottto (Ottr.) Star, in a June and her mother live together and atspeciul story front tlte Los Attgeles Times, tend the same AA meetings. excerpted here, ettrpltasii~dthe way A A Another young member is not so lucky. is meeting this cltullettge. Mary, 12, leaves her Los Angeles home LOS ANOELES. CALIF. – At h recent meet- each Sunday morning and tells her ing of Alcoholics Ano~ymous in Cali- mother she is going to church. “Church” fornia’s San Fernando Valley, one of the is the local AA meeting, and Mary has to members was honored on his first “birth- lie about her destination because her day,” an AA event signifying one year of mother, a drinking alcoholic, does not sobriety. He was I1 years old. At the believe in AA.

June 1974

What every old-timer knows From Rantoul, Ill.: After reading the letter “Why Mention Age?’ in the November 1973 Grapevine, it came to mind how one member of our group hit the questions “How can a young fella relate to these old-timers when he hasn’t experienced all these things?” and “What does that old man know about my problems of today? After all, he’s about through with life. I’m still young, and I think differently.” The old-timer got through to the younger generation by this simple statement: “There’s one simple way to put it, I think. We old-timers know more about being young than you know about being old!” Everyone had a good laugh, and the generation gap was gone. J. B. M.

September 1974

‘1 Never Did Get to Go’ In this teen-age adventure, coming events cast their shadows before

CAN’T REMEMBER exactly when it I happened. I was at my girl Debbie’s house and drinking Southern At the same time, the policeman was walking over to me, so I asked if I could help him. He said, “No, but Comfort (100 proof). I finished off I’m going to help you.” Then he put a whole pint, and then Debbie and me under arrest. me had a little fight, so I decided to He put my bike in the trunk of take a long ride on my ten-speed bi- the car, and off we went to the police cycle until things had a chance to headquarters. On the way, he told cool down a little. me I was under arrest for drunken So I started on Route 70 and de- driving. cided to ride to the Brick Plaza, When we got there, they put a about ten miles away. I don’t really $50 bail on me. I called Debbie and remember, but it must have shown her mom came down and put up the that I had been drinking. I got about $50 for bail. I went to court the next halfway and heard a siren. I figured night, and the judge laughed. He the cars would be pulling over to thought I’d been on a motorcycle. let whatever it was go by, so I rode He couldn’t believe it was a bicycle. as close as I could to the side of the I ended up getting sentenced to road. I kept on going for about 300 driving school. I told him I didn’t feet, and the sound of the siren was have a driver’s license, and he said, still behind me. “YOUwill, some day.” I looked, and about fifteen feet I never did get to go, ’cause I behind me was a police car with the ended up here. flashing lights going, as well as the siren. I really didn’t know what was Pat R., aged eighteen, wrote this going on, and the thought that I had from a jail cell, where he was awaitbeen drinking never entered my ing sentence on serious multiple mind. So I stopped and got off my charges that resulted from another bike to find out what was going on. drinking episode.

September 1974

‘Thirteenth Step’? From Columbus, Ohio: come to AA for help? When I was .I’ve just come from one of my new, I thought the gals were wonfavorite Mmeetings, and I have an derful, but some of the men really old familiar feeling – resentment! seemed godlike .to me. The hero- Two new gals (young and attrac- worship bit just might cause some tive) were there. Do you know, serious problems, especially if either I had a hard time trying to talk .with the new gal or the AA man or both them, because the men in the group are married. The spouses are usually pretty mixed up, sometimes fed up, and pretty well sick of it all. They just can’t and won’t take too well to any more complications. They don’t need any more problems. So please, fellas, at least most of #e time let us try to carry the meswere surrounding them. I went age and hopefully help the new gal. through this same thing for a while, Okay? B. S. and believe me, it doesn’t help the new gal. I don’t hate men. In fact, I think they’re great! But may I please ask the men in the program to just give us AA gals a chance to help the new, attractive women who

December 1974

day is such a simple concept that satisfaction and fulfillment in my life my complicated, analytical mind had today. missed the whole point. It is an art I no longer wait to be happy when to be able to live one day completely such-and-such happens, nor to bein the now. A person living with one come creative and fulfilled when I foot in yesterday and the other foot get my degree from some school. All in tomorrow is unbalanced today. I I have is today. But, thanks to AA Return to Now know from experience. and my Higher Power, today has To live each day without either been beautiful and full, because I A member at eighteen, she found regret or guilt about my past or fear stopped several times to enjoy and herself outgrowing A A or anxiety for my future – that is observe the now. my one goal today. I believe learn- If there is someone else in this HAVE BEEN sober in Alcoholics ing to live in the now is the only Fellowship who feels he or she may I Anonymous for eight and a half years. I am twenty-seven years old. needs. What little humility I had gained flew out the window. Again, as’in the bad old days, I began diway real serenity, peace of mind, and freedom can be achieved. 1 do be “outgrowing” AA, I would like to say this: Please reread the Big I came into AA when I was eighteen. recting God, bargaining with Him, not for one minute claim to be able Book and the “Twelve and Twelve” My fringe benefits and blessings trying new, more sophisticated forms to give any great pearls of wisdom and honestly ask yourself whether have been many, but after my third of prayer that would get me what I about how to accomplish this. Any you have really done everything sugyear of sobriety, I began feeling un- wanted. progress I have made has been a gested there to bring about the peace easy. About that time, I discovered After two years of concentrated gift from God, because, for the first of mind, serenity, and freedom from a study group in my area and be- effort at self-direction, I was totally time, I am not trying to figure out anxiety that these books promise came very involved with the Twelve miserable and as deeply depressed the answer. Instead, each morning I and we all desire. Get the basics Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, as I had ever been in my entire life. ask God to guide me each minute of down pat and work all the Steps without which I would not be either Finally, I was again brought to my the day and to teach me how to live completely before you go on to sane or sober today. knees. During all this, I thank God in the now, just for today. I ask God something else. However, in about my sixth year, that I had kept a running acquain- to open my eyes to the blessings that God bless you, and have a happy I became dissatisfied with AA. I had tance with AA and that my friends are here today, and to help me find now! a vague idea that I had really out- had kept in touch with me. So, by R. F., Lemon Grove, Calif. grown my need for the program. So the grace of God, I did not drink I got involved with other endeavors, and eventually got honest enough “more spiritual, advanced, and in- with myself to see what I was doing. depth.” Insidiously, my ego reared I was able to become willing to turn its ugly head and sent me on a self- niy life and will over to niy Higher propelled, self-centered journey that Power and go on from there. I was was headed for a painful end, be- at last convinced that a life run on cause it led me to believe, “Of my- self-will was headed for disaster. self, I am everything.” Again, I began The most important concept I had setting the stage of my life and trying “outgrown” was living one day at a to position the actors. Again, I put time. I had thought I had that one forth great energy and effort in ar- down pat. In reality, I hadn’t even ranging life to supply my wants and begun to practice it. T o live just to-

February 1975

Never too soon From St. Louis, Mo.: During the summer, I attended all good. 1 can be very grateful for the Young I’eoplc’s Convention in sixteen years of happy sobriety. And Indianapolis. I’m an old “young I have a wonderful wifc and six people” – thirty-nine – but son^ wo~ldcrful children. God has been twelve or thirteen years ago, 1 at- good to me, and He will be good to tended a sinlilar convention in Mil- you if you let Him. K. A ~ C E . waukee. I marveled at how the numbers have grown. More and nlorc young people ;ire deciding to give their lives to this simple program while they arc in their twenties or even teens. And many of them found AA ;is it Iiist resort, iift~rgoing through jails, prisons, dctox centers. and Iwspitals. I used to burn with rcscntment when old-tin~erswould say to me, “1 wish I’d c o w on thc program as early as you h;ive.” Now I can tell these young pcoplc that, and 1’111 sure some of them will burn with resentment, too. Age has nothing to do with it. If you’re iin alcollolic at twenty-two, you’ll probably not live to be forty, so why kill yourself? There were 400 people at the Young People’s Convention hanquct, and following that, wc danced until 2:00 A M . Who says we young pcople can’t have fun without drinking? Next year, the convention will be in Memphis, Tenn. If you’re under forty, it will bc a treat you won’t want to miss. If you’re forty like me, you can be young at heart and conle anyway. Young people in AA, take heart. There is a life after booze, and it’s

May 1975 f< + 2

.. Young people in AA vcrsary. Now, we see a lot of young- of people still don’t. Putting the Precr pcoplc and other people who amble in the paper niight help somedidn’t h v e to go down as far as 1 one else some place else. We put the did, and I’m glad. 1 just wish that AA central ottice phone number at Preamble to Recovery everyone knew about AA, but a lot the bottom, and they got some calls. W. C., Rockjord, Ill.

w E PUT the AA Preamble in the Labor News, a once-a-week paper. Last week, a man who left AA twenty years ago happened to four months whcn she became ill, and you know, I didn’t evcn think of a drink, evcn when she was in intensive care and they didn’t know It Was Hard to Believe How could people so much older understand? read it. Even though he was drunk, whether she would live or not. If it he got hold of another AA member hadn’t been for AA, I wouldn’t have wouldn’t take me any more. (I had C A M E ‘ro Alcoh~licsAnonynlous and went to his first meeting again. And last night at a meeting, a friend made it. Last Scptember, my wifc had our I whcn I was twenty-eight years old. It was not my worst drunk that become accustomed to going there for food, lodging, cigarettes, and a told me he was still sober. I guess first child – a boy. So, you see, I’m warm place to stay.) I was in the that makes it all worthwhile. sent nle, nor was it the one that really thankful for AA, bccausc it c;luscd nic the most problcnls with same plight as many people who had When I came around the first time gave me lily wifc and son. I nict niy gone to AA before – except that 1 at age sixteen, I just couldn’t iden- thc law, but it was the worst for me wife, who is a nurse, while on a nlcntally. I had nlirdc a contact with was the youngest person in the Reno tify with anyone. AA wasn’t out in Twelfth Step call. We had taken a area at that time who was obviously, the open as much. Then I came back AA one year before, and I had fellow to the hospital for help. conlpletely, helplessly alcoholic. Ten at twenty-five, in January 1970, walked out of that mecting very dis- When I was young, I was a wino years ago in my area, there were not after living two years on Clark Street gusted with the caliber of people on the street for two years, in mental many young people in AA. in Chicago. There still weren’t any thcrc, as I saw them, and more dishospitals about forty times, and in It was hard for me to come to real young people in AA. The young- gusted with the things they said. jails about as often. I t got so bad, terms with the fact that people so est were in their thirties. But I made ‘l’hcse things niadc me feel guilty, the AAs didn’t want me, ’cause I nluch older than I was could acup my mind to stay anyway. I’ve insecure, and uncertain. So, as had had used then1 so many times. I was tually understand the frustration of only had one slip since then, at the become my pattern, I ran away. even barred from the hospital at the a young person with a drinking end of two years, sinlply because I end. I’m grateful that this past One year later, all the things they had talked about in that meeting problem. They say God protects didn’t work the Steps. 1 was lucky Christmas I didn’t h;ivc to slccp out- fools, and I believe today that He it only lasted six days. wcrc my story. The degeneration of side in a back allcy wticrc it was protected this one. I rebelled against ;I fcni;rlc alcoholic, the guilt over After my slip, I started working twenty below zero. In fact. I’m destroying my family and ruining the average age of the other group all Twelve Steps in order, and I lost grateful to I>c around at all. On one lily young children’s lives, the loss members, though many were promy compulsion to drink, even when of my drunks, whilo on skid row, 1 of friends. and the long record of viding me with food and lodging and 1 went through a lot emotionally. passed out on top of a railroad arrests wcrc all mine in the short attempting to get me to listen to a My wife came down with Guillain- trestle and was run over by a freight Barre syndrome. It’s a form of polio. span of a year. way of life that I could not believe train. When I camc to, thc only would really offer any hope for me. She was completely paralyzed for I c;rnle to AA that day in Novemthing I thought of was whether my And yet, sonlehow, I stayed with eight months and out of work for a wine bottle was busted. ber 1964 because I finally was bankyear. I had only been sober about rupt. I had no friends, no family. AA. For many months, I struggled In January, I had my third nnni- with the contrast between my own Even the Reno, Nevada, city jail

life and their sobriety. Alone, I had greater than myself had to take ovcr. many hours to think about the pos- After all those months on the prosibility that I really wasn’t like them. gram, it was clear to me that I could But when I was with them, their never take command in the running stories began to have an impact on and management of my lifc. me. The past way of life they talked Since that time, ten years ago. I about and the “acting out” behavior have no: found it necessary to take that is referred to in the Big Book a drink. The older members of AA were mine, in a different time and a that I resented so deeply at first different place, but mine nonetheless. have turned out to be my dearest It wasn’t easy to learn to let peo- friends, staunchest supporters, and ple help me. 1 had been running personal confidants. Many times things for many years, since the time ovcr, they have shared their cxperi- 1 was thirteen and ran away from cnce, strength, and hope with me. home. I ran the show once again and I remain eternally grateful. I when I ran away from my first mar- remember how my values (which riage and four children. I ran the were phony) and nly pride once show the first time I was ever ar- kept me from i~cceptingwhat those rested for being drunk in public, kind, wonderful people had to give. when the police officer was attempt- I no longer believe in generation ing to get me to go home and I was gaps. I know today from experience insisting that he arrest me. (After I that history and life repcat themhad insisted for twenty minutes in selves, and that the problems of toall the obscene language I could day with alcoholics arc just the same summon, he obliged me.) as they were many ycars ago. The For many months, I depended only real gap is a gap in commujust upon the fellowship of the peo- nication. ple of AA, especially in my home The slang terms change, but rcgroup. But when they told me I scntmcnt is the sanlc today as it was would have no life unless I relin- in 1935. Stinking thinking is the quished my hold on my old self, I same. Lack of faith in the Higher wouldn’t listen. Finally, it became Power is the same. Because AA alobvious to me that 1 would have to lowed nlc to learn these things. I am work the Steps of AA to have what a better pcrson today, and lifc is they had and what I did not havc. Illore positive, and I once again havc Still very young in my thinking, the love of my family and the respect I balked at all the methods that I of my children. Most inlportant. thc had heard about. I made it harder past tcn ycars with AA have Ict me on myself than was necessary, but grow to like myself and to be able to through that exasperating struggle, I live with myself, one day at a time. finally came to believe that a Power P. B., ~ar.uhrCity, Nev.

August 1975

ran short. Friends suddenly had fore that same unknown force which Help the Young People more important things to do than had brought me to my first AA accompany me to the French Quar- meeting sent me back to AA. And Identify! ter, only to have to undress me for boy, was I back! -hating everyone bed because I couldn’t find my apart- there, staring angrily at them, mak- They don’t have t o keep on drinking ment. ing ugly comments. But I heard I suppose, deep down, I knew something that night, after the meet-

A LCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, evergrowing, is experiencing a steady influx of young people a strong academic background on which I could fall back. The night of my cighteenth birththere was a problem. But I’d die be- ing. An AA, the mother of a fifteenfore admitting the possibility of alco- year-old who had a serious drinking hol’s control over my life. Instead of problem, remarked on her frustrasome of whom, unfortunately, are day was spent in the campus infir- accepting and working on this seri- tion in trying to help her daughter not willing to give the Fellowship a mary. I was away at college at this ous illness, I’d find myself thinking, who thought she was too young to be fair shake. I was one of those who time and had begun drinking non- “Bur I’m only twenty-one. I’m too an alcoholic. The AA said she was would rather rationalize, prolonging stop almost a week prior to this young to be -ugh! -an alcoholic.” sorry that her daughter would have my drinking career, than lend an ear glorious occasion. A short time A friend thought otherwise and to drink a few years more before to the carefully spun philosophies of later, I found out that my dormitory made an attempt to get me to an AA becoming aware that alcoholism the old-timers, the “winners.” And friends had planned a surprise party meeting. When all else failed, she claimed no special age group. It my greatest rationalization was my for my birthday. Anyway, I think it’s made a snide remark regarding a re- wasn’t particular as to its victims, age. needless to say that I didn’t meet the cent blackout I’d had at her place. she said – it would kill anybody! I had my first drink, drunk, and college’s academic requirements and Since we had been great drinking I’ve been in AA for only seven blackout at age twelve. (And other flunked out. buddies and she’d already decided months, but I can’t emphasize that drugs were already in the picture.) Although I had had part-time jobs to attend the meeting. I suppose I point enough. To be an alcoholic, That same year, I was committed to since I was thirteen, I had dificulty agreed only to humoi her (ha!). you don’t have to be half-dressed, on a mental institution and diagnosed as in finding a job now. I was nineteen; When 1 walked into a room filled skid row, reeking of alcohol, and having a schizoid personality. By the I didn’t know who I was or where I with people twice my age, my “age aged fifty. You can be sitting in a time I was fourteen, I was drinking was going. I was drinking daily. A theory” was, in my sick alcoholic comfortable lounger in a $50,000 every weekend, all weekend. 1 had year later, I had my first morning- mind, reinforced. Hearing bits and home at age twelve. If alcohol is a new set of “friends” as a result of after drink. 1 hoped it would suffice pieces of their twenty-year drinking your higher power, you’re in trouble! concerned comments from my for- for the day. It didn’t. Without a job lives didn’t hurt, either. I mean, I’d But you’re not alone. Alcohol has mer clique; it was less difficult to and with very little self-confidence, only been drinking for nine years! become America’s number one drug. indulge in drink and drugs with my I moved to New Orleans. For some reason, I continued to As a twenty-one-year-old alconewfound peer group. At sixteen, I So there I was, twenty-one years attend meetings. Then I started iden- holic, I extend a verbal hand to my . started skipping school with the only old, in an entirely new environment. tifying with too many people for fellow young people who have fallen friend I had left, the only person I found an apartment, a fantastic comfort, and my theory was threat- victim to alcoholism. Try Alcoholics who hadn’t insinuated that I had job, and a new set of friends. But as ened. Well, I was no fool! I’d just Anonymous. The sincerity, warmth, a problem. She and I would lift a my drinking progressed, interest in quit going to those meetings and get concern, and love you’ll find in these couple of bottles of Scotch in the the job deteriorated. Hangovers be- back to more constructive activities alcoholics of all ages, all walks of morning and sober each other up all gan to be a daily affair, and my wor- – like drinking. life, can’t turn you off if you walk afternoon. At this point, my high- ship at the porcelain altar took up Daily, I drank my way in and out into a meeting with an open mind school grades had dropped consider- many hours of my precious time. of trouble. blackouts, oblivion, and and a sincere desire to stop drinking. ably. I was fortunate to have had Excuses for frequent absenteeism hallucinations for four months be- “Woodie” L., New Orleans, La.

February 1976

A Plea for Age Distinctions There’s a plus in letting young people know that there are young people in A A

N THE FALL of 1966, I attended young, sick, suffering alcoholics be- I my first AA meeting. I saw no one my age and immediately decided come aware that other young alcoholics recover from their disease, I was too young to be an alcoholic. more will come to AA, look around, Through the grace of God, I was al- and stay to share our answers. lowed the privilege of coming back I realize that AA is not a program to AA in 1968 at the old age of to be promoted; it is one that attwenty-three. At that point, I didn’t tracts. But what better way can one be care whether or not I saw anyone attracted to anything than by knowmy age in AA. All I wanted was a ing that others just like himself are way to stop drinking and taking already there, finding answers he has pills. searched for everywhere else? T o In sharing my experience, strength, me, the distinction between those and hope, I must be honest. I have over and under forty in ou. proheard and seen some members of gram is not only necessary, but vital. our program over forty years of age If one young, sick, suffering alcobecome resentful and closed-minded holic can come to believe sooner bewhen the term “under forty” or cause he sees others of his own age “young people” is used in any con- doing so, then what else really matnection. I realize this is their prob- ters? I believe there is one primary lem, but I feel a need to share my purpose for a distinction in age in opinion. I believe these members our program: to help carry the mesaren’t seeing the primary purpose of sage to the young alcoholic who is using a distinction in age in AA. I still suffering. believe that it can save lives. If more D. B., Atlanta, G a .

March 1976

‘I can’t identify’ From Athens, Ga.: “It’s nice to see you young people.” That’s what 1 hear all the time. It’s not that I don’t like it. My ego loves it. But as a young man of twenty-two when I came to AA, I did not feel too young. Nor did I feel like there was much to live for. When I was drinking, I was looking for a place to belong. I was looking for this, too, when I came to AA, and I want to thank all those who did not look at me as a young person, but as an alcoholic. To me, there are two types in AA: one who places principles before age, race, and personalities; one who doesn’t. The Big Book states, “Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now” – not how much we drank or how long. So let’s stop saying, “I can’t identify because I’m too young” or “too old.” And let’s share on how to live one day at a time without a drink. J I M W.

he insisted that the answer to trou- years of drinking left sounds very ble and the road to young dreams like the older person who claims he lay in geography. . . . has handled it for thirty-five years Too Young? Statistically, it is hard to prove and can still handle it. Yet each whether there actually are more thinks he is unique. young alcoholics today. But com- I know one young person who re- A A can work for anyone mon sense tells us AAs to get set for sumed drinking so he could “enjoy” such a development, even though a skiing weekend. He ended up with who has an open mind and a the need isn’t yet indicated by hard both legs in casts. He still can’t addesire to stop drinking facts. A lot of the younger people I mit he made a mistake. In some have met in AA have had the guts strange way, he thinks what he did and good sense to stop drinking be- is part of being young. Actually, he fore they fit into the stereotype of is growing old extra fast. There is DON’T THINK I’ve ever really for- that he loved poetry. Though he I gotten anyone I twelfth-stepped in AA. Sometimes, I pause and wonder hadn’t had much formal education, it was obvious that he was intellithe late-stage lush. They still have the open-mindedness of youth. Also, we see people conling in earlier in no joy left in drinking for this young alcoholic. People give a long list of reasons what ever happened to so-and-so. gent. He agreed to attend AA, but their drinking careers because there in claiming that AA won’t work for It’s a lot easier to stay in touch with swore he was no alcoholic. Larry is more education than ever about them. They say it won’t work for sober members and those who go on thought he was too young to be an alcoholism. Thanks to the work be- the minority group they belong to. trying than it is to keep track of those alcoholic. gun by Bill W. forty years ago, there They say it won’t work because they who come around for a time and van- He listened only to the harshest has been a steady lessening of the are rich or poor or too old or too ish. The human mind must repress stories about cirrhotic livers and de- stigma surrounding our disease. young. I knew an experienced memsome things, or we would all go mad. lirium tremens. He saw a few peo- Does age really make any great ber who, when he heard these re- So it’s sometimes good that we for- ple with red noses and talked to difference? Older members take a marks, would grumble, “It’s all baget. Still – I think all the people I’ve members with half a century of slow local and arrive in AA after loney, no matter how you slice it.” tried to help are still in the back of drinking behind them. He did not well-defined stopovers in bad situa- There are many sober young peomy mind. pay attention to younger people or tions. Younger members arrive on ple in AA. Why does the program Like Larry. to members with less harrowing an express, but they have packed work for some and not for others? Larry was twenty-seven when we stories. He claimed he was in trou- just as much sorrow into the trip. Probably for the same ‘reasons it met. He was sent to AA by his em- ble only because he was young and Older members may simply want to doesn’t work at first for some older ployer. His job performance was er- blond, and envious people at work hold on to what they have or to re- people. ratic because of his drinking. When held him back. He said all this with gain responsibility. Younger people One of the great comforts of AA he arrived at the meeting, he admit- a boyish grin. The group hoped he have yet to chart the courses of their is the lifetime follow-up it provides. ted to drinking some, smoking pot would eventually get the program. lives. Our program helps people of Alcoholism doesn’t just vanish after some, and stealing from the boss Bills, summonses for parking vio- any age make free choices. a few months of sobriety. It’s nice some. He allowed as how he had lations, and pressure from his wife The language at meetings is the to know that AA will be there anybeen an all-around rascal for many forced Larry to take action. He told language of the heart. It is sober talk where we go in life. Some day, we years. Larry had a twinkle in his his wife he would go to another with which young or old can identi- will be hearing about people who eyes, spoke like a dese-dose-and- state to make a fresh start. Even fy. Ego problems are alike for the have a half-century of sobriety in ‘ dem guy, and was shy about the fact though the group advised against it, alcoholic at nineteen and at ninety. AA. A young person claiming to have Several years ago, I met a twenty-

nine-year-old at his first meeting. He went to Texas to work. He The physical ravages of alcoholism wrote me after two months and said were not evident. I talked to him our group had been right. He was after the meeting. He was over- homesick and unhappy. We mailed whelmed to find people who under- him a list of meetings near his new stood his problem, and he told me a home, and he attended for a week story that any older member could before drinking again. He phoned relate with. He has been sober many me and said that it wasn’t working years now. He has had a lot of grow- out too badly, and that maybe he ing-up problems, but the way has wasn’t an alcoholic at all. He was all been upward since he joined AA. about to hitchhike back to New A sixteen-year-old girl I knew re- York. He got as far as South Caroentered high school after getting lina before being killed in a headsober. She was delighted to find her- on collision. self going to school and doing things Everyone who heard about Larry just like other respectable people. was saddened. We had tried to de- This would have sounded strange at liver the AA message, and that was an AA meeting years back. all we could do. I hope I have more And on and on the list goes. . . . insight when I try to help the next Larry, however, had trouble. person like Larry. E. S., Manhattan, N.Y.

November 1976

Young winner From Cambridge, Minn.: 1 am twenty-one years old and in t o me? I’m only twenty!” But it did. AA. The other members of my Thank God and AA, I’m sober group are older. 1 enjoy their expe- today. I’m actually free to make a riences. But after 1 leave my AA choice, instead of alcohol making meeting, I sometimes feel alone, be- my choices for me. It’s not always cause among my other friends I am easy, with peer pressure and all the the only one I know of who has other temptations that we go done anything about the problem of through, but it’s well worth it. We alcoholism or chemical dependence. are alone only if we choose to be. 1 once started thinking, – “Well, I’m now going to college. The life maybe I’m not alcoholic.” That of sobriety is a winner. I’ve won, way, I could drink and run with the and I’ve lost. I like winning better. gang again. But then, I realized, R. J. back would come all the lying, blaming, remorse, procrastination, and other symptoms I had when drinking. It’s not worth it. Once, I could not understand how being sober at my age could be so great. I thought if you didn’t drink, life must really be a drag. I was so very wrong! I’ve wanted to go to college since I’ve been out of high school. But my drinking said, “No. Me first!” I went along with my so-called friend for three years. Then came the realization that my drinking wasn’t fun any more-it was hell! My friends had gone, along with other things I had striven for earlier in my life. I wondered, “How could this happen

March 1977

On ‘age segregation’ usually by a younger member who From MBnhattan, N.Y .: lacks the experience of being a As an alcoholic who has been parent. Perhaps this is why there is “young in AA,” may I offer my so little recognition of how much a comment on young people’s parent suffers when a son or groups? I believe there is more of a daughter is in trouble with alcohol want involved than a need, and I (or anything else). I’m a parent who seriously question the long-range knows, as well as having been a wisdom of age segregation. I believe neglectful daughter, and so I speak that years of living and AA ex- up on behalf of the parents who perience offer a different perspec- aren*t there to d o it. I heard a memtive- often a wider view of what is ber (not a parent) once come to their relevant and what isn’t. The defense, too. He said, “They would , younger person needs this exposure. come through for us a lot sooner This view is not a popular one, but it than we would for them.” B. B. would have been beneficial for me to have spent less time with my peers in my youth. My peers and I reinforced one another’s limitations and prejudices, and in many ways it was the blind leading the blind. For instance, 1 a m very troubled by the “down with parents” attitude or scapegoating of parents often expressed at AA meetings,

June

because of those beautiful people but was hanging on by her fingerand the special something they had. nails. We fell into each other’s arms, They were alcoholics, too, and laughing and crying, each having my peers, and they had something been looking for the other for so 1 wanted. Aha! Perhaps that was it! long. Now, where did we go from My peers. Perhaps what was needed there? Well, AA had started with was a peer group of recovered alco- two, hadn’t it? Judy plus me made They Knew Better Than I holic teenagers who could relate to two. By the next day, we had a these sick ones. church lined up and a meeting night Carry the message But how and where would I find decided on. With a little help from them? 1 had started AA groups be- our friends, the word went out in to young people, and they will fore, and couldn’t help feeling it all directions. would be possible to start a new one In starting any new group, the run with it for teenagers; but 1 couldn’t start it first thing is to be there when you alone. Besides, who did I think I said you would be, then hang on was? I was forty-five years old, and wait. The two of us talked and that just wouldn’t do it. (Of about the Steps and told our stories T HOSE OF US free in the daytime find hundreds of school classes asking for AA speakers. Over the Jim haunted me. Although they were so young, they said the old familiar words: “I can’t be an alcoholiccourse, since I’d been sober thirteen to each other and waited. Meanyears, maybe that made me a teen- while, 1 was wondering, “How can I ager at heart; but they wouldn’t tell the kids to handle the transyears, I have come to love these an alcoholic is my uncle Charlie”; see it that way.) portation? What will I do about any youngsters, their aliveness and cu- “I don’t have a drinking problem- I reminded my Higher Power that young people stoned on drugs? Is riosity, the joy in their dawning just help me fix up my life and I 1 was willing if He was. I got in abstinence something I can sell to understanding of something previous- will be able to drink normally again.” touch with everybody 1 could pos- these kids?” (Me, me, me.) ly baffling. I ached for these young people sibly think of for referrals, and Slowly, the group began to grow. In recent years, there have ap- and prayed for a way to reach them. waited. And waited. Then one day, “Can I bring a friend who needs peared more and more sick kids, One school system invited me to the AA central office in our area this program?” And then there were hurting kids, drunken kids, seeking come and try to work with a few on called to ask, “Are you planning three. Two more came to look us answers I could only begin to give a one-to-one basis, but my status on going to a meeting tonight? over and returned occasionally. I them. Also, teachers, ministers, and as a recovered alcoholic wasn’t Could you take somebody?” didn’t have to worry aboht the counselors are asking, “What can enough to reach them. “You don’t “Well, I hadn’t really thought transportation-they got their own we d o to help in this epidemic of understand. All the kids drink and much about it one way or the other. booze, didn’t they? teenage alcoholism?” do dope. I won’t belong any more if Who did you have in mind, and One night, a boy came in stoned Many nights, I lay awake seeing I stop. Just show me how to stay where do they live?” on drugs, and my heart stopped. the lovely face of Linda, age four- out of trouble.” “There’s this fourteen-year-old Fortunately, 1 was too frozen to say teen, too drunk at night to d o her It seemed hopeless, yet somehow girl . . .” anything, because Mark said, “Hey, homework, drinking for breakfast, there had to be a way. I asked my “I’ll go! I’ll go!” man, we’re glad you came tonight. nipping between classes, failing all Higher Power for knowledge of His That’s how I met Judy. She had But, like, you can’t understand any- . her ninth-grade courses. The agony will for me. I believe it came like gone through a drug and alcohol thing when you’re stoned. If you in the eyes of Connie and Mark and this: One reason I wanted AA was program in Houston and then moved want to play games, we won’t play here. She was still sober and clean them with you. If you want help,

come back next week, but be sober AAs there, and somehow I felt a and clean. In the meantime, sit down little hope.” She is sober now five and shut up!” Beautiful, beautiful, months and going back to finish oh God! I’d thought it was all up to high school, a lovely young woman me, and they knew better than I did of eighteen. all along. I’m out of breath just trying to What about the question of keep up with them. Here’s a referral abstinence? Tom said, “Every time of two thirteenlyear-olds, and every- I stole a car and ended up in jail, body wants to call them. The youth I was drunk. And I’m sick and tired center wants speakers; a TV station of being in jail, so I need this wants to tape a special; a mental Higher Power and this group to stay health center wants help with alcosober and free.” holic kids they can’t reach; and Then Ginny said, “I would sleep a-w-a-y they go, with me trailing with any boy who had drugs and along behind in the dust. alcohol. 1 don’t even remember my It all started because “I want the sixteenth year-1 was drunk or high hand of AA always to be there. And the whole time. 1 ended up in a court for that: I am responsible.” And program, forced to sit there and listen now, they feel responsible for their to all that stuff they lay on you. fellows. Thank you, God, for just But a couple of times, there were what 1 needed. P. B., Denver, Colo.

October 1977

What age gap? From Pomona, Calif. : meetings, all I could see were old The other day, I heard about a faces-people I could never identify new young people’s group starting with, I thought. But 1 wanted and -absolutely no one over thirty-five needed to be accepted, and they allowed. accepted me with open arms. After I’m twenty-five. When I came to a while, my closed mind started to AA, 1 was twenty-two. 1 had lo,ng, open, and I began to know and love stringy hair and wore faded jeans the old fuddy-duddies. The age gap and an old yellow T-shirt. 1 had narrowed. that hippie look. The first guy who Today, the person I consider my twelfth-stepped me was a construc- best friend is over forty-five. He is tion worker, what I labeled then a that “redneck” who called on me. “redneck.” He asked if I wanted to One day at a time, I hope 1’11 stay sober and remember that anyone, young or old, male or female, who says, “I’m an alcoholic” is just that -my fellow alcoholic. M. c.

have coffee, and we talked for a couple of hours. He never suggested 1 check into a halfway house or get in touch with young people. Just “Want to go to a meeting tonight?” I’ve had many people ask if 1 wanted to go to a young people’s meeting, and I’ve never attended one. Why? I came into AA in a small town in California. At my first few

– section A nine-page by and about ruung People \7- , , ,

1 I

When IWas Sixteen, IWas Ready

I CAME lNTO the program of AA when 1 was sixteen years old, and believe me, I was ready. My when I found what alcohol could do for me, you can understand why I had found my heaven. her and put her on a pedestal. She was my idol. 1 wanted for thirteen years to live with her, and always a headshrinker. I lied, conned, and everything else, so this did no good. Teachers would try to tell me that drinking had started some ten years I went back and forth between my my father would say no. People I was a nice girl and that I shouldn’t before, at the age of six. My pilling parents after their divorce. Finally, were just watching to see if I would be hanging around with these kids had started at the age of nine. So when 1 was nine, my father remarried turn out like my mother. who stayed in trouble. My shrink you see, I’d had ample time to be- again, and we supposedly had a When I reached thirteen, all hell gave me tranquilizers, and I had come an alcoholic. home. My new stepmother and 1 did broke loose. Rebellion was my way found my heaven again. Both of my real parents were not get along at all. I hated her and of life. Hate, bitterness, self-pity, I became engaged to my Sunday- (and still are, of course) alcoholics. the whole world. My life was filled and resentments controlled my entire school teacher, so that I could be I was brought up in this environment with hate and self-pity. I found out being. I wanted everyone else to hurt good, and that didn’t work; I joined and I swore to myself that 1 would that if you took a nice-size amount like 1 did, and 1 therefore caused a the church, and that didn’t work. never become whatever they were. I of aspirins or other home remedies, lot of pain in other people’s lives. Dear God, nothing worked! I went had three stepparents who also were you could feel different. You weren’t I ran away from home, was sus- through another engagement, and alcoholics, and I couldn’t believe so ugly or fat or anything else that pended from school, carried whiskey finally, three months after I turned that there was any other kind of life. you didn’t want to be. I read to in my purse in a mouthwash bottle, sixteen, I hit bottom, the lowest From as far back as I can remem- escape reality and imagined myself and got soused to the gills in other pits of despair. I was a nervous ber, I felt that I was not as good in the characters’ place. I dreamed people’s houses. Escape! Relief! All wreck and a walking zombie. I had as anyone else. The other kids had and lived in a world of my own, I wanted was out. I’d had suicidal been in the hospital for “nerves” nice clothes and looked as though and no one else could come in. tendencies since I was nine. Now, some time before that. I couldn’t they couldn’t be happier, while 1 Even though my mother stayed I was trying to carry them out, want- take any more. 1 thought, “Well, stayed in the background, wishing drunk and often abused us, I never ing to die but also afraid to die. this time I am really going t o kill that I could be like them. 1 felt fat hated her. For some strange reason, My parents thought I didn’t mean myself and do it right.” and ugly and clumsy as an ox. So I knew she was sick. 1 worshiped to be this way, so they took me to But God stepped in and gave me

a thought: Call Mother. So I called a problem. They are both in AA, has done for me, and to tell them her and said, “What can I do to and I wanted help so desperately that through AA they can find hapcome live with you?” that I tried AA. But the fears were piness, serenity, and a way to arrest She said, “Pray.” still there, and I had to go to a new this disease called alcoholism. “Brother!” I thought. “Whymask school with new people, and I couldn’t 1 thank God every day for this Him for something when He has let face all those people on my own, so wonderful program, and I also pray all this happen to me?” How could I went to the medicine cabinet and that out there there may be some He be the good and almighty God reached for the mouthwash. Drink- young person who has a problem that everyone said He was? But 1 ing it gave me courage at first, but and will read this and realize there thought, “What have I got to lose?” then it did nothing but make me sick. is hope. For the fust time in my life, I prayed. Finally, with the help of two won- J. I.,Magnolia, Ark. I said, “God, if You want me to derful, understanding parents, 1 live with my mother, give me the came into the program of AA, and I

words t o say. ” I tried to get what these people had. Young People When the opportunity arose, I It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve slowly went to my father and said, “Daddy, can I talk to you?” For the first found what living really is. Now, I can hold up my head and mix with Old Enough to Qualify time, he said yes. I told him I couldn’t live with him any longer and that 1 wanted t o live with my mother. For people and not be afraid of what they are thinking of me. I am finding an inner peace that 1 have never S OMETIMES, I get discouraged and lose sight of our primary purpose. Tonight, I was reminded share on a level not always possible at the bigger meetings. I guess we all tend to judge groups as either sucthe first time in my life, 1 saw my known before. I don’t have to rely of it and given the encouragement cesses or failures. If we never hold father cry. This man who had no on sex to know that I am loved. I to keep on working in AA. another meeting, I know that we feeling except for the bottle was cry- am accepted as an alcoholic, even When asked why I so strongly have been successful. ing. He told me that he was not giving though I am quite young. I’m learn- support young people’s groups, I Last week, two of our members me permission, but he wasn’t going ing to like myself and love and ac- have always said, “To carry the went out to a boys’ long-term deto stop me. So 1 got on the bus with cept love. This is truly a miracle. message to the alcoholic who is still tention center nearby-usually called the feeling that everything was going And now, with almost a year and suffering-and feels he is not old “the ranch9′-and carried the AA to be all right. 1 wouldn’t have to a half of sobriety, I will soon be enough to be an alcoholic.” The message. pill or drink any more, I thought. eighteen. People often say, “What a value of young people’s groups is Tonight, we began the meeting I even gave a poor man on the bus a horrible thing to happen to one so not so much for those of us who with seven regulars and one new man supply of pills. young!” But I am not sorry. I am have found sobriety as it is for those in his twenties. In the middle of This didn’t last very long. Less glad for everything that has happened young people who don’t yet know reading a portion of the Big Book, than two weeks later, I went on a to me. I have found a way of life that they qualify for AA. we were disturbed by nine strangers. week’s bender. During this time, 1 that I wouldn’t trade for anything I’ve always said this-but I haven’t The spokesman among the nine asked became engaged to a man I had in the world. I can honestly say I alwaysfelt it. Tonight, I know it. if it was all right for them to come known for a week. He was headed am proud to be an alcoholic. God Our little young people’s group in. He is a recovering alcoholic who for Vietnam. He said those three has found a purpose for me, and I has struggled here for eight months. is a counselor at the ranch. After little magic words that I craved am truly trying to fulfill this pur- It started-out with about fifteen and last week’s session there, sixteen of hearing so much: “1 love you.” pose-to carry the message to other quickly dwindled to six or eight in the boys had asked if they could I realized then, with the help of sick alcoholics and say I understand, regular attendance. I came to love come to our young people’s meeting. my mother and stepfather, that I had to show them what my Higher Power our small meetings, where we could Unfortunately, their van could hold

J’ ‘

only eight of them. months of working at the ranch, he There were not very many of us. We It took place in a monastery some What a beautiful meeting we had! cemenibered where his newfound life saw the same faces all the time and distance away, and I considered my God alone knows what the future had been found. He went to his worried when anyone was absent too assignment while driving there. What holds for these young men (all under superiors, broke his anonymity, and long. should I say to a group of boys and twenty). They want us to come to asked if he could bring the A A pro- I t is different now: anniversaries, girls for the most part less than onethe ranch once a week, and they gram in to these kids. conventions, dances, golf games go- third my age? The twenty-four-hour want to come to our meeting on Maybe none of these kids will ing on all over the place, and special book that morning had reminded Wednesday nights. While the guys find sobriety now. Then again, may- affairs worldwide. Anyone missing me that the day was my own anin our group (two of whom are still be one, two, or all eight will. Who for a while is likely to be happily niversary. That settled it: I would in their teens) were rapping with the knows? But 1 believe in miracles. sober somewhere else. Every meet- tell my stor:, . 1 felt at peace and ennewcomers, I had a chance to chat Tonight, the seed was planted – ing seems full of more and more joyed the drive. with the counselor. He found his so- and we welcomed back an old meni- people of every age, sex, and condi- The monastery was hardly what briety three years ago in New York ber, who remembered where he tion. For a while, I thought many you might expect. Kids were everyin a young people’s group, developed found his sobriety. must be curious observers, sympa- where, around coffeepots and softother interests, and did not stay This will keep me going for a thetic relatives, or just friends; but drink machines. There were many active in AA. However, after six long time to come. it is the same at closed groups, so groups, large and small, and lots H. T., Martinez, Calif. all these people must feel they have of laughter. There were silly caps a problem. with name buttons attached and the Young People 1 especially love to see young letters “E.A.S.Y.” across the front. people, because many, by being there, This stood for the motto of the con- Youth Enjoying Sobriety may be spared much of the hell I once knew. Whatever their problems vention: “Enjoying Any Sobriety Yet?” The kids came from far away (and many are very definitely alco- as well as from neighboring states M Y FIRST two years in AA were among the most exciting of my life. I was more than middleholics), the hope and love and understanding in our Fellowship can be therapeutic. But I believe the and provinces. They seemed to be having a good time and to be very concerned tbout one another. The aged, like most of my fellow mem- magical ingredient of our meetings atmosphere was comfortable. I sat bers, and I was very sick and did is identification, a by-product of with some intimate groups as they not know it. I went to many meet- honesty that establishes the wave- discussed special problems having to ings. I always thought I was “not as length of our communication. And do with such topics as spirituality, bad as thatw-“that” being anyone the generation gap can be bridged sexual orientation, and honesty. I whose experience differed from my by sobriety and our common pur- felt close to them and grateful for own. I have since found that most pose. “Old-timer” and “newcomer” their love and acceptance. We older of us used a conveniently adaptable are labels of no significance, espe- people are 1:kely to forget the pain yardstick. cially when alcoholism, cunning and of growing up. Then my turn came. The occasional young person I baffling as it is, can change today’s Each of us has, essentially, one saw there was usually a child ac- old-timer into tomorrow’s newcomer, basic story. Among ourselves, sharcompanying a member parent, looking for help all over again. ing our strength and hope, we find probably with Mother’s admonition So I was flattered and pleased support and encouragement as we to “see that your father comes when the chairman of a young peo- discover we are far from unique. straight home after the meeting.” ple’s convention asked me to speak. My audience was gracious in giving

me its full attention. I mentioned “Yes,” I said, “and both sober and my will to live. I was embarrass- The difference since I’ve been in how, at that precise moment some today!” ing my family, and no longer was I AA is amazing. Before, I kept everyyears before, I had been attending They presented me with a hastily the life of the party. I was a drunk. thing to myself, because I didn’t my first meeting. Afterward, a pretty improvised cake and asked me to stay I knew what I was doing was wrong. think I needed anyone. I had forgirl said to me, “Do you know, when for their dance, an invitation I de- But what was I going to do? I would gotten how to smile, and laughing you joined AA, my mother was just clined. But 1 watched them for a try anything to stop. was a thing of the past. But since five months pregnant with me? And while before setting out for home, I knew someone in AA and de- I’ve been on the program, it has here we are both alcoholics!” and I saw obvious happiness. cided to try it. With no idea of what helped me more than I can say. I’m D. M., MD, Montreal, Que. to expect, I went to my first meeting learning to smile and laugh again, on January 16, 1976. I was afraid to and I’ve even gotten back some of Young People talk. If anyone came near me, I my self-respect. The friends I have started to shake. Through my sponsor in AA are the best friends I’ll ever and my Higher Power, I made it- have. I still have problems, but AA Seventeen and Sober but not right away. It took me a has taught me how to handle them couple of months. Now, I know and not run from them. I am very I AM AN ALCOHOI ICand I am also seventeen-not surprising, because there are many teenage aldrinking, and now I didn’t have to drink alone any more. We would walk up to the deli and get a couple why. It was because 1 didn’t open up. 1 wouldn’t’ let anyone help me. Then I surrendered. It was the most grateful to AA for my new life. I believe God has given me a second chance. So I will carry the AA mescoholics. Half of them don’t even of quarts apiece. But I was never important thing I had ever done. I sage to anyone who needs and wants know they have a problem. I’m one satisfied with just two quarts. This just let go and let God. it. of the lucky ones; I found out in was when I suspected something was Anonymous, Richmond, N. Y. time. wrong. I have been drinking since I was By this time, it had really caught Young People eight. Physically, it didn’t take its up with me. 1 missed days from toll until the last three years. But mentally, it affected me from the school, mostly Mondays and Fridays. No longer did I drink only on week- ‘Thank You, Old-Timers9 very first drink I picked up. My story is a common one. I drank because I had problems-in other ends. I drank on weekdays, too. I drank in the morning to calm my nerves and steady my shaking hands. W HEN I FOUND AA, I felt like I was 200 years old. I had hiphugger jeans (which were all I words, to cop out. 1 wasn’t very Then the resentments and the fears owned), tight-fitting shirt, and long, happy at home. Although I was set in. sexy (I thought) brown hair. I was loved, 1 didn’t feel wanted. The At fourteen, I was contemplating as skinny as a bean pole but thought bottle was my friend. It helped me suicide. 1 couldn’t find any reason I weighed 400 pounds (1 now know cope. to live. I hadn’t even begun to live, that was all the guilt I was carry- As the years passed by and my and I wanted to die. It was a vicious ing around). Inside, I was dead. I drinking progressed, 1 became, ob- cycle of morning sickness and shak- felt like an absolute zero and that sessed with alcohol. 1 needed it to ing and night drinking. Drinking my life was over. The lady my mother d o just about everything. At about wasn’t fun any more. 1 didn’t enjoy had taught me to be and the God the age of twelve, I went from Scotch the high as I used to. By now, I she had taught me to believe in were on weekends to drinking beer with couldn’t function without alcohol. I both long gone, like ashes thrown to my friends. They had discovered had lost everything-my self-respect the wind. I was totally defeated and

scared to death. ning in AA, I found myself very The people in the AA meeting confused and very uncomfortable. room moved around, laughing, talk- 1 knew something was wrong, but I ing, and having fun. 1 knew some- didn’t know what. I knew I had to one was going to touch me any change if 1 wanted to live, but I minute, and I would explode irlto a didn’t know how to go about it. So million pieces. While I was feeling God, in His infinite wisdom, helped all this, 1 was also sizing up this me to recall the information I had group I had fallen into because I been given three months earlier. had n o place else left to go. I saw Sponsor! It hit me. I first approached older people, with graying hair or my sponsor out of total desperation. no hair at all. I thought, “Oh no! She helped me get through my con- This is what I’ve been running from fusion, and 1 made a new start in AA. all my life-authority and older The new course I had to take was people trying to run my life.” not an easy one. It meant leaving be- While I was still in this frame of hind the only young people in AA mind, one of the older members, a that I knew at that time. I t meant gray-haired, attractive (I did give that I had to be willing to go to any her that much) lady, came up to me length to get what I so desperately and told me she would be my tem- wanted-what those beautiful older porary sponsor. 1 thanked her but members had. It meant ridicule from wondered to myself, “What is she my peers every so often. I t meant talking about?” Thank God, I filed that for the first time in my life, I this information away. Little did I had to be willing to listen and take know how desperately 1 would need directions from the people I had it. rebelled against for so long. Often. My start in AA was very shaky. it meant being a fifth wheel and Looking back, 1 am scared when I wondering if I would ever have think how shaky it really was. You friends my own age who were trying see, I landed right in the middle of to live this program the way AA some young people who, unfortun- suggests we live it. ately, were quite often offended by Some of the hurt subsided, bethe old-timers’ suggestions, and the cause these older members must advice “Stick with the winners” have known how I felt, and they took would throw them into a rebellious me under their wing and loved me frenzy. It was also brought to their until I could again stand on my own attention that AA needs no special- two feet. Today, I know no age ization by age, that we are all in difference. I have friends of all ages, this together. That, too, they weren’t and my best friend is in her fifties. willing to hear. Thank you, old-timers, for my life. After three months of this begin- R. B., Chapel Hill, N. C.

April 1978

Only one requirement From Manhattan, N.Y.: In the time I’ve been in AA, I’ve One of the great things about AA heard a number of times when people is that we have people from all were asked to leave meetings. Re- walks of life. Rich people, poor cently, I heard about a boy eleven people, happy people, and sad peoyears old, who was asked to leave ple. People who are atheists and a meeting because members thought agnostics, people who believe in he was “too young” to be an alco- God, and yes, young people and old holic. people. So who are we to turn any- I’m twenty-one years old, and I’m one away from AA? Remember this: in my third year of sobriety. When I “1 am responsible. When anyone, first came around AA, I was seven- anywhere, reaches out for help, I teen years old. For the next one and want the hand of AA always to be a half years of my drinking, I was there. And for that: I am responsithrown out of the army, couldn’t ble.” Or how about our Third Trahold a job, lost all my family and dition: “The only requirement for friends, and lived on the streets and AA membership is a desire to stop the highways. Then I came to AA drinking.” So before you approach and got sober. I had hit bottom, and anyone, anywhere, ask yourself this: I was eighteen years old. Where would I be if AA had turned But who am I to say you should me down? D. R. hit the same bottom? What would happen if AA didn’t accept alcoholics who still had their families and friends? What would happen if AA didn’t allow female alcoholics? Or if we didn’t allow people who still had jobs to join AA? 1’11 tell you. There would be no AA.

June 1978

There was one thing he wanted more than anything else

Watch What You Pray For!

to soberup the world at this time and I CAME INTO the AA program by way of a seventeen-day stay in one of the hospitals for alcoholism, left behind. During this period, 1 worked and attended meetings daily. To my surtoo much, God, how about a girl? Not for sex, God – for companionship, someone to talk with, to also feeling like a teenager myself, I decided to call and volunteer to do where it was explained what the prise, I found myself sober longer share with. But no sex, God, ’cause I what I could. I was informed that a disease is, how to recognize it, and than at any time previous to my com- know that You know that I am still meeting would be held in a few what the treatment for recovery ing to AA. Was it the meetings that married. But it is lonely being by my- weeks and that I would be contacted. should be. I bought the package. It were keeping me sober? Was it my self. The fellowship is nice, but guys Time passed: going to work; meetincluded certain things that needed prayers morning and night? Or was aren’t the same as a girl, You know. ings in the evening; quite often, stopdoing, and one was coming to it a combination of the two? What- So how about it, God? No sex, just a ping with the fellows for coffee and a believe in a Power greater than my- ever it was, it was working, and by girl to talk with, share my feelings meeting after the meeting; then back self. All right. I did – but the results this time I had heard at a meeting, with. Thanks, God. Good night.” to the cave to give thanks for a day weren’t exactly what I expected. “If it works, don’t fix it.” 1 guess I was trying to con God, of sobriety and again to ask God for After I left the hospital and ar- Now God was granting me this telling Him I was not after sex. You a girl. rived home, my wife notified me of a see, I did not want to look bad in His I was finally contacted by the sobriety, and you people were telling coming divorce and asked me to de- me, if I wanted something, to pray eyes, because I was still married. youth organization, informed of a part from our house. I departed for it. So maybe He could help out in At church one Sunday, I was look- meeting the following week, and believing that when she saw I was other areas of my life. One night, 1 ing for a miracle, but left without told that I would be working with a serious, she would invite me back. 1 offered up this prayer: any message from God. I did pick up couple of girls from a neighboring spent a few weeks at various motels, “Let it be on my mind in the a church paper. While reading it, I community. I started to think. “A then found a cave to dwell in while morning that I am alcoholic. And if noticed a piece from a youth couple of girls . . .” They must be waiting for my wife to call. Well, it it wasn’t for You, God, and the pro- organization asking for volunteers young to work with teenagers, and was an apartment, but to me it was a gram of AA, I would be nothing. to work with teenagers on an alcohol they should be single, because a marcave, compared with the home I had Help me, God. And if it wouldn’t be and drug abuse program. Wanting ried woman would not have the

time. On the following nights, I stating she was a schoolteacher from prayed with more sincerity and more a community near mine. So there she belief in this Higher Power of mine, was, just what I was praying for. She but always finishing with “No sex, was young and single and quite God.” “Think.” That is just what I good-looking. And her name was did, dreaming of this girl that God Sister DeAnn. A nun! was bringing to me. She came up to me afterward, in- When I arrived at the meeting, I troduced herself, and explained that began to look around. By this time, I she did not drive. Would it be all knew that this girl God was sending right with me if we rode together the me would be young, single, and following week? Whereupon she good-looking. Needless to say, my handed me her phone number so I ego was mushrooming. I was sure could let her know in case I could not the girl would approach me first and make it. even offer me her phone number, So I got just what I was praying and would ask for a ride the follow- for, even the part that said, “No sex, ing week. God.” I also learned to listen more The meeting started with each of carefully around the tables of AA. I us introducing ourselves. 1 got by had not heard the one that goes, “Be with saying my name and city, and careful what you pray for – you sat down. Shortly thereafter, a girl may get it.” stood up and introduced herself by T. McG., Lincoln Pork, Mich.

August 1978

ly, feel sorry for myself, that always We find wholeness pops up as a fine way to escape. Underneath it, I’m feeling rotten in reliance on the program about myself. “If somebody will and a Higher Power love me, go to bed with me, why, then I’ll be somebody.” Whew, the times and ways I used women in that fashion when drinking! So there it is. I see today how very Sex Is Answer easy it is to plunge into a romantic love affair. A great high-to let go and just be free and swing together

B EFORE A meeting, an old-timer was telling me about his one slip. “It was the old story,” he said. somebody loves me, then I’ll be somebody.” I learned. to seem shook up, I just get right to it and the stars shine at noon and the and ask, “Who is she?” And sure world looks lovely and it’s, why, it’s enough, that’s usually the trip the intoxicating! “The redhead walked in, and sobri- 1 see lots of younger people, in guy is on. Having been there, I can But not real. ety walked out.” He pointed at me particular, struggle over this sex pick up some of the symptoms: a I see there’s a book out on love for emphasis. “There’s only one business. Sometimes, as a variation glazed look in the eyes, a tendency to and addiction. About how we have thing that’ll ever get you drunk on on what I heard, I tell them, withdraw into the self, a general air this tendency in us to become adthis program,” he continued. “There’s only two things that’ll ever of helplessness. dicted to escapes like booze, drugs, “Sex.” (Actually, the word he used get you drunk on this program, and It sounds kind of drastic to say, eating, sex. About how so many peowas a bit more colorful and explicit.) one of them is sex.” “If you can’t handle it, leave it ple who think they are in love are 1 thought about that. In those On every occasion I’ve said that, alone.” But it’s what I do say. It’s really just addicted to love, or addays, I thought a lot about every- the response has been a sudden what I do. Today. I can’t handle a dicted to sex, or dependent on thing, as though thought alone- pause while the wheels spin in the sexual relationship with a woman to- another person. Heavy stuff. and arriving at a thoughtful answer person’s head. I have this great day. It’s where I’m at. If anyone I sometimes wonder whether I’ll -would somehow solve something. punch line set up. I expect the person wants to think less of me for that, ever mature enough to handle a real I was trying to think why what he to ask, “What’s the other thing?” that’s his problem. man-woman relationship, which insaid couldn’t apply to me, why I was Then 1 could say, “1 don’t know Oddly, since I made that admis- cludes sex. That responsibility scares the exception. what’s in second place, but it’s way sion, I have many women friends me. I have a forty-year-old body but So far, I haven’t come up with an behind.” Only I never get to try my now, women I hug, kiss, go out with, a fifteen-year-old emotional frameanswer. punch line. No one has ever asked even have intimate, very personal re- work inside (which, in some ways, is I tried it anyway, and although I me what the second thing is. lationships with. I love them. To- almost fun, like going through didn’t actually drink, 1 did get men- I know there are a lot of other rea- day, I can love a woman as a person. puberty a second time). tally drunk, and it was the closest I sons people have slips-missing I’m very grateful for that. I’m sure the answer is that I’ll came to drinking. Over sex. meetings, losing touch with the pro- Where 1’11 go from where I’m at never be able to handle much of Now 1 know why. 1 had so little gram, all that-but the more 1 see, today, I don’t know. I’m human. It anything alone. 1’11 have to rely on self-worth that I was looking around the more 1 realize that sex is right up often seems harder to leave physical my Higher Power for help. for someone to love me, to make me there as a leading reason. sex alone than the bottle. 1 do notice Help! feel whole and complete. “If Whenever people I sponsor or talk that when I get depressed, feel lone- R. P.,Milwaukee, Wh.

November 1978

Old in years, young in AA From North Hollywood, Calif.: The article “How and Why AA Grows” by R. P. in the August Grapevine should be required reading for AA .members. 1 was particularly interested in a review of how some groups form because of a commonality in addition to alcoholism. A- listing of examples ended with “etc., etc.” I’d like to comment about one of those “etc.” Our newly formed Golden Years Group is probably the first group organized to provide closer identification for senior-citi- Zen newcomers to AA. It is, as all open AA meetings are, available to recovering aIcoholics of any age. Our group is growing, but it can never get too large, since we find that elderly newcomers hunger for small meetings where they are not overwhelmed by numbers, boisterous youth, inability to hear, and difficulty in breathing through tobacco smoke. C. C.

October 1979

Both old and young From Fort Lauderdale, Fla.: The magic of the meetings and the gift of the grace of God have produced a miracle in my life. A hapless, hopeless housewife-drunk has been changed into an elderly, grateful, sober woman, always young in thought and spirit. Right now, I’m getting ready to go to a meeting at 1 :00PM. It will be led and chaired by two young people under thirty. I have seen them grow and prosper in this program of miracles. And it will be composed of a big group of young people who take their lunch hour to attend this meeting. I go there as young and new as the girls or boys whom I hope to find at their first meeting. We can all find the magic and love that will be there. A. W.

AA Grapevine, Maltch 1980

A New Generation of

1980 survey results show increasing variety in AA ‘s membership

T” N YEARS ago, the beginners meeting of my group could all gather around one long table – a first AAs I heard mention their dual addiction in qualifying (though I had heard of fellow members who were Your wish can be granted -easily! -because our General Service Board of trustees realized back in the 1960s matter. AA obtains necessary computer services and frugally combines them with its own volunteer resources off booze but on pills or pot). I can dozen people or so, myself among them. Different ones showed up from still see thoss youngsters – lovely that educators, doctors, social work- – mainly, the delegate to the General ers, and other professionals con- Service Conference from each of the week to week. I was aware, too, of persons, once all but ruined, now cerned with alcoholism deserved to giving bright hope. ninety-one areas, and the trustees’ new people at regular meetings, espe- know whatever could be anonymous- Public Information Committee. cially in the back, and gradually Youth, women, multiple poison- ly found out about AA’s members ing, more newcomers are no longer Each delegate, in the summa of could recognize some who stayed on. throughout the U.S. and Canada. 1980, had the job of selecting typical There were few women when I rare. Grapevine articles and letters and AA forums and conventions The board’s Public Information groups – about three out of every came. One night, for the first twenty have been telling me that those ele- Committee decided to make a survey hundred – and arranging that quesminutes of a meeting, I was the only every three years. The fifth and latest tionnaires be distributed at a July woman among forty or fifty mem- ments are common in present-day was done in 1980, and the results – AA, and that growth is sometimes meeting, filled out, and mailed in. bers. after the slow work of tabulating and Almost 25,000 members responded abrupt and unsettling. Just how wide- Only once in my first several years did we see any young people in their spread are the changes? Are they analyzing – were offered last sum- – more than expected. continuing? Increasing? Fading? mer to professionals who have asked Remember, the results we’ll be teens. Two came from the suburbs as to be kept informed. looking at in this article are average exchange speakers. We had no one so Wouldn’t you love to hear from a lot To sample reliably a population as of AAs in places you can’t get to? across the entireW.S./Canada samyoung in our group. They were the large as our membership is no easy ple. We can’t expect them to apply to

./ any specific group – the finding that you’ve had too much of too much. AAs who attend meetings at least sought such help after joining AA (a the average height of U.S. males is And in fact, few young people once a month. However much we little less than half in 1977) decreased five feet nine does not mean that showed up in the surveys of 1968, ’71, would like information about alco- somewhat. Another survey is needed Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is five feet and ’74: about seven in a hundred holics who gain sobriety briefly or for to show whether those are real trends. nine! members. In 1977, though, an in- some length of time but then stop Surprising lack of communication crease was apparent; and by 1980, the going to meetings, we have no way to between AAs and their doctors shows young were almost 15 in a hundred of sample them. up through questions newly added in us. People aged 31 to 50 remain our Among sober AAs who filled out 1980. Seven members out of ten statlargest group, about half of the total; 1980 questionnaires, average atten- ed that their doctor knows they are in and about a third are over 50. dance was between two and three AA, but only three out of ten could My feelings about the increase of meetings a week. Naturally, there are say that their doctors present AA to young AAs deepened when I noticed few returns to count up from infre- other patients as a recovery program a letter on the editorial page of my quent attenders; but they do provide (six of the ten didn’t know either newspaper about death rates. They evidence that a large number of AAs way). Only one of ten said the doctor are decreasing for most of the U.S. are still sober but seldom come to had been to an open AA meeting population, but increasing for the age meetings. As in all the earlier surveys, (seven couldn’t say). group 15 to 24. And for that group, attendance shows only a slight de- Another trend revealed by our surin the last ten years, the suicide rate crease, on the average, among mem- veys is that more AAs list counseling also increased – by 60%. “Very bers older in life or older in sobriety. and treatment facilities as important often,” the letter said, “these deaths But don’t think that length of in leading them to the Fellowship. In are related to alcohol and drug abuse sobriety doesn’t much count! Just the 1977 survey, about one member and to depression.” focus on a hundred AAs, in a hun- in five cited that help; in 1980, about In 1980, there were more AAs ad- dred different places, who have five one in four. Among AAs in the 1980 dicted to another drug, as well as to or more years’ sobriety. On the basis survey who had joined since 1977, the alcohol, than the 1977 survey of the survey results, you can expect figure was one in three, which shows AA has come a long way since its showed, and dual addiction was that a year later 90of them will still be that the rise is continuing. earliest years, when women members much higher among the young (over sober and active in AA. Among An old yet fresh trouble about were just about zero. In 1980, 30 half) than for the whole sample (one members with one to five years’ so- newcomers is that half probably members in 100 were women, where- in four). It was higher among young briety, you could expect 80 out of a won’t last three months in the as in 1968, the figure was only about women than among young men in hundred to remain sober and active program. Of those who do remain 20. Of members coming to AA re- both 1977 and 1980, but the increase the next year. But among those with three months, sober or not, about . cently – since 1977 – about a third in those three years appeared greater less than a year’s sobriety, probably half will then keep sober and active are women, which shows that the rise for young men. only 40 out of a hundred would re- through the next year. continues. The “all of us” described in the main sober and active through the There is a Chinese poem that tells “Young” in our surveys means 30 survey consists of AAs who attend next year. of a mountain stairway where each and under-a big group in the general meetings often enough to be well About half of the sample AAs in step widens the view by 300 miles. A population, in which ages 14 t o 30 represented in the questionnaires 1977 sought counseling or treatment day of sobriety also means a big , make up more than a quarter of the collected at survey time. The volun- (medical, psychological, spiritual, or stretch. Let me remember that my whole. One wouldn’t expect them t o teer AA professionals who design and other) before reaching AA, and that presence, understanding, and encourshow up so largely in AA, since it digest the information say that we proportion increased slightly for agement can matter. takes a few years t o get to where have reasonably accurate profiles for 1980. However, the proportion who M. P., Manhattan, N.Y.

September 1980 lQ ‘

This alcoholic found he couldn’t recover madness. The longer the period of me who had been lost for years. I’ve sobriety (since I stopped drinking) learned that my Fourth Step invenif he continued to use a drug and sanity (since I stopped smoking tory includes the positive aspects of ?ot), the more I realize how screwed my character, not just self-castigaup my mind was. Getting adjusted to tion. reality was a new trip – a fine trip. I I work the pot right along with the started feeling, seeing. I used to alcohol in my Twelve Steps. For me, think my awareness of music, color, stopping drinking was only part of smell was heightened by pot. But Step One, and smoking pot meant Going to Pot colors are much easier to separate now; the world isn’t nearly as not allowing Step Two to work. Sanity was the treasure sought; pot wolfish, as snaky-looking. kept the door locked. Time! What miserable long days I I still am not completely well, but I had, stoned – a million years old, feel better than where I was, and I’ve and not quite twenty-nine; maturity got time now. When I was stoned, I 0 NE OF THE things that defines me as an alcoholic is that I drank for effect. One of the things Denver. As I started down the highway, I threw my last bit of pot out the window. A few miles later, I of a seventeen-year-old. Fog it. Go to a room to get something. Forget what it was that I went for. Look in a was afraid of dying – where would I go? I still have some fear, some days, but most days are a good day to die. that defines me as a pot addict is that emptied the ashtrays so I wouldn’t mirror and be disgusted at what And if it’s a good day to die, it’s a I smoked for effect. I didn’t restrict dig around for leftover roaches – looked back. Now, the man in the better day to live. my pot smoking to sociability. I like groveling in the dirt for a drink. mirror is my friend. It is me – the E. M., Bozeman, Mont. smoked to get high, but it was upside-down high. I still left my pipe in my pocket with enough – yecch! – black resin to – I know that you can go partway to “get me off.” recovery by just stopping drinking; Finally, after I got to Denver, I .that alone is a real plus. But I was pitched it, too. Backing away from resting on my laurels those first the precipice was easier there. I months in AA, refusing to grow, still found a sponsor and a lot of AA hanging on to the pot. That, I feel, meetings to go to, and didn’t smoke was when my Higher Power began to any pot. Right after I stopped, there try to move my thinking. But I don’t were withdrawal symptoms. A lot of move easy. Lack of faith. Afraid to images that had come to me earlier let go of another crutch-that kept – when I was heavy into pot and me crippled. freaking myself out by drinking into I was standing on the edge of a a blackout – came back. I still get precipice. I was, on the one hand, flashbacks, and I think they’re trying to get away from pot, and on reminders of where I came from and the other hand, lighting up another where I definitely don’t want to go dobie. back to. I couldn’t seem to get away from it By the grace of God and AA, one at home, so I went away to school, in day at a time, I won’t return to that

December 1980

Two young people come home From Desmarais, Alta.: first drink made me an alcoholic. My Alcohol was always around at my drinking brought me to places where home, so it was almost natural that I other drugs were being used. Wantdrank from childhood on. Week- ing to impress people and to get atends – and sometimes all week – tention, I used anything possible to were party times, so I got in plenty of be accepted. trouble. My father was an alcoholic. I have After my parents died, when I was a younger brother and four sisters. thirteen, I roamed the streets for None of them drink or use drugs. three years. At sixteen, I didn’t want Drinking made it possible for me anything from anyone. I was a tough to do, and be, all things for all peolittle city girl, haunting the streets. ple. After trying many times to clean I was lost when I walked through up my act, but never being able to, I the doors of AA. It was a beautiful got to the place where I didn’t want sight to see people laughing, sharing, to live. I was sick in body, mind, and and caring for me and countless soul. I did something I’d only done others. I had come home to a better before when I was in jail (and that way of living. Their love and under- was quite often) – I asked God to standing gave me strength, and I try please help me. I was in an alcoholic t o help others find the sobriety that detox at the time. In my praying, the was so freely given me. In turn, I best part was that I meant it. have been blessed with so much. I Today, I’m living in a recovery have a home, with the coffee on day house, and I thank God daily that I and night. I’ve learned that to get am here. I have been sober over four and keep sobriety, I must let go and months, thanks to AA and the peolet God run my life, every day. E. H. ple I believe God works through. Today, I am one of the people. M. p. From Mount Vernon, N.Y.: I started to drink at the age of fourteen. I believe today that my

February 1981

Twelve- Fifteen

water in the bottles. My mother only parts of me I remember hurting started searching my room for booze were my head and my ankles. You at this time. I had also started smok- see, when I got drunk, I would walk ing pot, so she found some pipes. on the sides of my feet. I wore out She was upset, but it didn’t bothet two pairs of sneakers that way. By me too much. In one of my now, I was fifteen and drinking one blackouts, I managed to get five pint in a two-day period. A friend pints of booze in my room. I don’t and I borrowed a car and were drivknow how I managed that one. ing drunk. We hit a telephone pole I drank mostly in school. In the head-on. I thought I was indestructiwinter, I really drank heavily, ble, because I survived this crash. because it kept me warm. By the time My last drunk was the worst. I I was fourteen years old, I was drink- tried to drink half a keg of beer. I I AM SIXTEEN years old. I joined AA when I was fifteen. My sponsor gave me the idea of writing down drinking whenever I had the chance. I had my first d a n k on my thirteenth birthday. My friend had stolen some ing about half a pint in a two-day period. The worst thing to me about all this was the hangovers – espewent into a blackout. I remember coming out of the blackout down the street from the keg party. I found my my story. I spoke to others about it whiskey, and we got drunk, went cially having a hangover and having way back and blacked out again. and got a lot of encouragement from over to his house, and got sick. 1 to go to school. By now, I was steal- The next thing I remember was bethe people in the program. stayed there until I felt better. Then I ing to support this habit. ing in detox. 1 finally had enough. I started drinking when I was walked home. I met this kid that was eighteen. I called AA and started going to twelve years old. My first drink was I started stealing booze from my He drank like me, which was great, meetings. I also got a good sponsor, after a party my parents had at the house. My parents saw the booze because he could get my booze for which today I am very grateful for. house. There was half a drink left on disappearing and marked the bot- me. We shared a lot of blackouts to- If I had not stopped drinking, I the table, so I drank it. I had a dizzy tles. I didn’t care. I just watered the gether and also shared a lot of fights. would have been kicked out of my feeling, and I felt good. So I started booze down until there was only When 1 was coming off a drunk, the house and kicked out of school,

because I was in trouble every day, because he could not stop drinking. had kept that one, through ten years with a beautiful contrast between his and I probably would be dead by I owe my life to AA. I drank of sobriety. material progress (he owns a topnow. Since I’ve been in the program, because I wanted to fit in with the The fifty-mile trip through the rated motorcycle) and his ability to my drinking buddy got drunk and crowd. Now I can have a good time scenic countryside was full of be sensitive in exploring his feelings. put a gun to his head and killed him- without drinking. laughter and fun. We stood in line at As we got ready to leave, I noticed self. He was nineteen. He died B. R., Bethel, Conn. the reception center, relaxed and inmates carrying souvenirs and joking. I remembered the extreme wearing conference buttons given to -guilt I had felt on previous prison them by the visitors. I approached visits; in those days, I knew -that I an inmate and asked him to autobelonged inside for undiscovered graph a Big Book I was carrying. I crimes. I was afraid that after the had learned that he was a close visit was over, the doors would not friend of the fellow I would be giving open for me, and I would have to the book to. I was able to reassure stay. him of his friend’s sobriety and tell After we signed ourselves in, we him that I was the friend’s sponsor. went into a small gym set up for a And I was beginning to understand meeting, and the first inmate to greet the message I was being given that ‘It’s No me was a friend! We shared for a while, and shortly thereafter, I saw day. The journey back was warm with Big Thing’ someone else I knew. I was begin- laughter. I was teased about my driving, as I was hungry and tired and ning to get some kind of message. The meeting began, and we were kept attempting to dominate the all introduced. An inmate spoke, conversation. telling about his life in and out of Full realization of that day’s van full of people. Waiting to leave prison. A fellow from Boston fol- message came that evening: I had was a group of twelve men: me and lowed him, sharing his own story. been exactly where I was meant to Helping out is not three other local Vancouver people Most of the other out-of-town be, even though I had thought I all that hard and eight- fellows from Boston, visitors gave short talks. When I was didn’t want to go visit the prison. I Atlanta, Wheeling, Seattle, Phila- new in AA, I sought new ideas and sought out the visitors who had riddelphia, Sacramento, and Van- principles and received them in great den with me and tried to thank them couver, Wash. abundance. Now, I seek to hear for helping the people I cared for.

A T ELEVEN o’clock on a Saturday morning, at the Twenty-Second International Conference of I was exhausted from overwork, overcommitment to conference duties, entertaining early arrivals, ideas to corroborate what I have already discovered. I sometimes slip my mind out of gear, to hear the The usual response was: “It’s no big thing.” Like many of our greatest gifts, help of this kind is so impor- Young People in Alcoholics Anon- and a need to talk to my sponsor; tone of people’s voices-gentle, tant to those receiving the help, exymous, in Vancouver, B.C., I stood and it had been twelve years since I warm, and sincere. I still find tremely simple and easy for those in the lobby of the hotel, wondering had visited a prison. I had promised diamonds of wisdom, some new, giving the help. It was a priceless gift why I had volunteered for what I was a relative of mine, when he was some forgotten. of understanding for a man like me, about to do. We were “taking the discharged, “That’s it. I’m not An alcoholic priest spoke moving- who ten years ago never knew where conference” out to a federal prison visiting any more jails.’.’ In contrast ly of freedom to be what we want to he stood. facility; I had vqlunteered to drive a to all the vows that I had broken, I be. A young man ended the meeting M. R., North Vancouver, B.C.

August 1981

suggested sponsors, the Twelve Iike my therapeutic approach to re- Steps, service work, or even attend- covery, and they rarely talked to me, ing more meetings; we usually because I showed no desire to hear sought out another form of therapy, quotations from the Big Book or since AA obviously wasn’t working suggestions that I get more involved. too well for us. We worked with the “This we owe to AA’s future: to Service Fanatic? tools we knew, and that program usually wasn’t exactly traditional place our common welfare first; to keep our Fellowship united,” says our Unity Declaration. AA. Now, that style of involvement is The program I practice today re- Young people’s conferences not taught by AA literature, and lies heavily on unity. I once assumed helped him find that’s my point. Many newcomers in Alcoholics Anonymous would always new meaning in the program our area, regardless of age, aren’t be there, no matter what I did. I being given AA literature. And assumed “somebody” was taking many of us miss getting the message care of it, so I could go about work-

R ECENTLY,an AA friend of mine was telling another local member about the role ::ervice work has program; treatment saved my life. But somewhere between the treatment center and AA, some informain the original fashion, eye-to-eye from an older member. Most people in my area first get the message of ing my “own program.” I had no idea that the Twelve Traditions and the Three Legacies applied to me. I played in his recovery. He was tion slipped through the cracks and AA the way I got it, from somebody thought the groups took care of sershocked when she said, “People was lost for a while. paid to give it to them. I might have vice work without the individuals. I have told me about you and service Most people – especially other been told – but I quickly forgot – was really the only fellow in my work. I don’t think it’s at all impor- young people – 1met in AA seemed that the spiritual life is not a theory; “fellowship.” Today, I know the tant. They say you’re out to save the to ask the same question first: it has to be lived. And 1 am not the basic text is titled Alcoholics Anonworld and you’re so busy helping “Where did you go to treatment?” I only one. ymous, not Alcgholic Anonymous. other people, there’s no time left for found a couple of groups that felt I had a slip at fourteen months. I And today, I am not alone. yourself.” comfortable for me, because they returned, not to treatment, but to I do want the hand of AA to be My friend protested that helping used familiar sayings like “Do what ninety meetings in ninety days and there for every newcomer, but I’m others was helping himself, and she you think you need for you today” my first International Conference of not out to save the world. I’m just replied, ” ~ o n ‘ t you know it’s a and “How do you feel about how Young People in AA. It was then, trying to be sober, the best way 1 selfish program and you have to take you feel?” These AA groups called and only then, that 1 found the know how, one day at a time. And care of yourself first? You people themselves feelings groups, social beginnings of a spiritual program, in that’s the truth, as I understand it toare really fanatics.” groups, growth groups, support place of my “selfish” one. day, knowing full well the truth has a Five years ago, I could easily have groups, or loving-confrontation That new road has made all the habit of changing everytime you said everything that woman told my groups. Our Twelfth Step effort was difference. You see, to me and to think you know it. (Never let it be friend about working a “selfish pro- usually accomplished as the new- dozens, maybe hundreds, like me, said that the Higher Power has no gram.” When I left treatment and comer stepped out of detox. And Alcoholics Anonymous had sounded sense of humor.) I hope to see many entered AA, that was my approach when anyone relapsed, we almost in- like just another institution, serviced of you at young people’s conferexactly. I want to be very clear on variably took that person back to and maintained by those “other ences, and if all this makes me a this point: Treatment never showed treatment. folks” who worked an. “old-fash- fanatic, let’s just say I’m a very me anything that could hurt my AA For the rough times, we rarely ioned” program. I rarely talked to grateful fanatic. them, because they didn’t seem to E. O., Minneapolis, Minn.

December 1981

I ‘M PLEASED to report that my the group spread, others began to athome group 4ied this year! Four tend the weekly meetings, which years ago in my town, young alco- eventually became semiweekly. ‘pure’ alcoholic is dead. From now on, almost everyone who comes into AA will be dually addicted. Only with being thrown out of our meeting space, and we rose above many personality clashes. We solved group holics and those who also had drug Fortunately, one of the old-timers you people will be able to help him. treasury problems and sponsored problems found that they were not in town wandered over to see what Don’t give up!” annual young people’s roundups. entirely welcome at some of the local was going on and stayed to become a Many of us got sponsors from We even managed to raise enough AA meetings. Several times a week, regular member and firm supporter outside the group, and they, along money to send our GSR (general serone of us would be confronted by of the group. Without his experience with several other not-so-young vice representative) to area forums, such statements as “What are you and stability, the group might never AAs, dropped in from time to time; then discovered, to our surprise, that doing here? You’re too young to be have made it; certainly, it would not as they got to know us, more and ours was the only group in town t o an alcoholic,” or “Don’t talk about have died such a happy death in just more people were referred to our fund its GSR. We even survived the dual addiction here – this is AA!” three years. – meetings. pride that developed over that fact! Confused and uncertain, barely His two decades of sobriety gave Because we wanted so badly to be Many of us got to do service work, hanging on to sobriety of one week us the example of recovery that helps accepted, we were always concerned which such new AAs usually don’t t o two years in length, we somehow a new member so much. His tact in with the Traditions and frequently even hear about. Because of the care found one another and formed a sharing quiet wisdom on group read the back half of the “Twelve taken, we found we were able to use young people’s group. The age range problems only when asked will be and Twelve” to find solutions to our youth and dual-addiction exo f early members was nineteen to forever appreciated. His strength and problems. We also studied the AA perience to help others, without thirty-nine, but the age limit was sometimes not-so-quiet testimonials pamphlets “The AA Member and violating the Traditions or harming blithely set at exactly one year older on the program were of great per- Drug Abuse” and “Problems Other the meetings. . than the oldest person present at any sonal help to many – and the twenty Than Alcohol.” Old Conference And so we grew to well over thirty given meeting! years of AA membership, plus his policy statements were reviewed, members. We stayed sober and At first, there were only three white hair, lent us a credibility in the and Box 4-5-9’s (bulletins from the clean. We got more comfortable steady members. Our public service AA community that yas sorely AA General Service Office) were with ourselves and other AAs, and announcements on the radio raised needed. Many a time,’we hung on to watched for any new information. they grew easier with us. Most of our some AA eyebrows, but as word of his words of encouragement: “The During those three years, we dealt members gradually began attending

. other AA meetings as well. easy to spot as we make our way in a Then, a few young young people, variety of AA groups around town. ages twelve to eighteen, appeared. We shared a beginning experience in Declaring that we were all “too sobriety that brought us close old,” they started their own meet- together; nevertheless, we are exing! Slowly, the attendance at ours tremely happy that young people dwindled; meetings dropped back to and those who are dually addicted one per week. It became obvious to are now so well accepted in AA here us that all that our needs were now that there is no need for such a group being better met by the older AA anymore. The young young people groups in town. Finally, we took the continue to meet, but as a part of a meeting notice out of the paper, regular AA group. canceled our group number at the It’s wonderfully ironic; out of the General Service Office, and let the suspicion, anger, and desperation group die a well-deserved death. that spawned the group, grew love, With our customary hugs and trust, and stability. How fortunate glowing smiles when we meet, we are we all were to have been a part of it! Anonymous

March 1982

Before AA . he was

A Very

Y ES. THOSE of us who are young can definitely be alcoholic. Early in my youth, 1 found myself living in next to someone very scary. yes, that was my bottom. I don’t mean td that I’d had a nice little drunk for a program trying to change it. If you start playing the game their way. want to get a bunch of AAs upset, At my first meeting, I shut my just tell them at a meeting that you mouth and started listening, really a family engulfed in the disease of few years. I had very quickly Pro- can stay sober and smoke dope. Or listening. To my surprise, I started alcoholism, though I didn’t know it gressed to the full rank of alcodolic that the Twelve Steps are great, but hearing and learning a lot. I began to at the time. My childhood was an before I hit my bottom. It was pnly the last ten really aren’t needed. My work the Steps, listening, hearing, alcoholic nightmare. when I was thanks to the grace of God that I favorite remark (that usually caused and putting what 1 heard to work. sixteen, my mother finally obtained the light. the biggest upset) was that I could go Yes, I am still young, only twentysobriety. I knew where to go. Through the out with my old drinking friends and two now. And yes, you have prob- But 1 was a very, very sick kid. change in my mother, I had seen #hat stay sober. At the time, I didn’t know ably spilled more booze than I drank. That same year, I began to drink AA could do, although I had no &On- what the word sober meant, let alone That’s okay. I am sober, and getting alcoholically. I had many reasons, so ception of what I was really going to how to stay that way. more sober every day. Truly, I 1 thought – school, my part-time discover. That evening, I entered my Of course, I got drunk, almost on have come to know what the word job, the need to be social. Today, I first AA meeting, not as a guest Or my six-month birthday. I immediate- means. know those feelings as self-pity, re- visitor, but as an alcoholic, a Yev sentments, guilt. But I did not really understand what I was doing at the frightened alcoholic. I found compassion, and understand! “g. Ire, ly came down with alcoholic hepatitis, The rewards that lie within this and I came to know the full meaning program when it is worked, really of hell. I stayed drunk for a couple of worked, are indeed unimaginable. time. I did know that drinking would Some members did say I was weeks. Then I couldn’t drink any- I have only begun to see them. only bring me unhappiness, yet I young, but thank God, I didn’t be- more, nor did I want to. When I was Through the grace of God, I will continued until, I was nineteen. lieve them. Through the tremendous detoxified, I vowed I would get continue to see them. One morning, I found myself on help of many members, 1got sober – sober, really sober. It was time to S. F., King Salmon, A lsk. skid row in Seattle, in a filthy, I should say dry. broken-down old apartment, lying I spent the first six months in Our

March 1982

Help needed for a ‘new breed’ The same ratio seemed to prevail at From Willamantic, Conn.: each meeting I attended. I couldn’t Recently, I have started going to believe the change that had occurred AA meetings again, after a serious even in the atmosphere of these meetillness that kept me away for two and ings. The need for effective sponsora half years. Because of my long ship or just extending a helping hand absence – or maybe because of my is so great. Like my old-timer friends, ordeal and increased perception – I have noticed some significant changes in a dozen or more different meetings. At an average meeting in this area, there used to be a dozen or so oldtimers (more than five years), an equal number of advanced beginners (two to four years), three or four 1 find it hard to relate to drug users, newcomers, and occasionally, a to identify with or even begin to brand-new persoq who was fawned understand these youngsters. upon and doted upon. Now, I am I would like to hear some intelliamazed at the number of new people, gent guidance, analysis of this probmostly kids who call themselves lem, suggested ways to preserve the “cross-addicted alcoholics” or even just “addicts.” Of forty people the Traditions of M and at the same other night, twenty-five were of this time rescue these deeply troubled new breed – all good-looking kids, kids. This is not a black and white either still in or just out of one or problem; it’s all shades of gray. more rehabilitation centers. Could the readers of the Grapevine I was almost overwhelmed with contribute any ideas on how to solve what I perceive as the need for older, this problem? D.R. experienced members to help these young people. I talked with my old friends and got mixed reactions. The generation gap is formidable. I spoke that night, recalling my experiences, and had a funny feeling afterward, doubting that I had reached many if any – of these kids.

January 1983

during that time, 1 was breaking my mother’s heart. She saw her little girl killing herself, and there was nothing she could do to stop me. So I ran, hard and fast, but my troubles stayed with me no matter where I went. Finally, the day came when I called mom and begged to come back home for help. She accepted me with open ‘Now arms but also with rules: 1 had to settle in a job, and I had to look into I Have AA. Well, there I was. I would have done anything to get out of the dark It All!’ hole I had buried myself in. I hated AA, but I stuck with it. Most of all, it stuck with me. I kept drinking, but AA messed up every drink I had after

I AM A twenty-one-year-old alcoholic. 1 was six years old when my drinking started and eighteen when 1 my first meeting. I had to look at myself, and I didn’t like me very much. When I finally started liking was first introduced to AA. myself, 1 found I could like other My story is one of childish atti- people and AA. tudes, because 1 was a child drunk. 1 That was three years ago. I now drank because grown-ups did and have one and a half years of sobriety, because my parents allowed it. My but only because God, AA, and my mother recognized I had a problem a mother believed I was worth saving. long time before I would admit it, but 1 am married, with one child, and my father still refuses to believe my life gets better with each passing alcohol was ever a problem for me. day. I never want to forget what I When I was out on my own, life went through to get where I am really became hard. I call it “on my today. own” because, though I moved in Without love from everyone in AA with my mother after her divorce, I and the love and understanding of the had to work and support myself. 1 most special husband in the world, I was supposed to be a young adult, would still be that destructive and but I hadn’t aged emotionally at all selfish little girl who had to have a since 1 had found alcohol. drink to survive. All I need now is AA Working failed as I moved from and my Higher Power. See – I have job to job, but I hlways managed to it all! get by some way. 1 know now that K . M.,Sf. Joseph, La.

February 1983

very high-heeled platform shoes; and her house. I got the idea of dyeing my she stood as straight as if she had hair red (looking for another identity, stuck a pole down her back. She perhaps). In her bathroom, she stayed looked almost beautiful – except with me as 1 tried to mix the perfect that there was a hard street edge to color. With her presence and converher. I thought the fellow at the central sation, she kept me from pulling the office had really made a mistake, hair out of my head instead of colorhaving this formidable woman try to ing it. I suddenly realized that it was relate to a sweet flower child and after midnight and that she had to be closet drunkie like me. up at 4:30 AM in order to be at her job The But as it happened, I looked twice and found her eyes. They were very on time. Then I knew: What was really happening was not just one Hard warm. They looked at me with love! Now, such a thing was beyond my woman helping another tint her hair, but one alcoholic sharing and caring comprehension. I did not look good; to keep another alcoholic sober. Woman I did not feel good; I didn’t have money; and my job, which 1 had a There were times when the gift of love was given, pnd nobody was With the hard time keeping, wouldn’t have impressed anybody. And here was there. That first night, the hard woman with the soft eyes took me Soft Eyes ‘ this woman looking at me as though I was her daughter and had gotten a home from the meeting while my drunk was beginning to turn into a straight-A report card! hangover. Panicked at the thought of That night, over five years ago, being home alone without booze, I was just the beginning of a shower of asked her, “How do you stop drinklove, acceptance, understanding, and ing?” She told me to get down on my giving that 1 have been receiving to knees and ask my God, as I under-

I T WAS another dreary Tuesday night, and I was drunk once again. I called our local AA central office to would take me to a meeting. Frantically; 1 made some coffee and brushed my teeth. I would have this day. 1 have received gifts of fellowship, like the birthday party my AA roommate gave me when I was stood Him, to relieve my compulsion to drink. I was extremely cynical, not having prayed for some sixteen years. see if 1 could get some hope, and been tempted to drink some booze, celebrating two years clean and But I was also pretty beat-up inside, asked for information about meet- but of course, there was none left. sober. I almost had to run out the and I was touched by that lady’s eyes. ings the following night. “Why don’t Nothing was ironed, but 1 really back door, because I had a hard time So I did what she told me to do you go to a meeting tonight?” asked didn’t care how 1 looked, as long as I accepting all the love and attention alone. What I received was the most the man on the other end of the line. didn’t smell bad. 1 went out to the that were being given to me. beautiful gift of all. It was as though “Because I’m drunk,” I said street and sat on the curb, hoping to 1 have recejwed gifts of caring, as 1 2,000 pounds of guilt and self-hate lifelessly. sober up before 1 got picked up. did one evening just a few months were lifted from my shoulders, and in “You can go to a meeting drunk. The woman who came scared me ago, when pain and anger had gath- their stead was a sense of being light How do you think we alkies get to death. She was just over three ered unchecked and I was screaming and of being loved. That night, I here?” He told me someone would years sober (“Nobody is ever three inside for a drink. I called that same cried alongside that unmade, winegive me a call to get my address, and years sober,” I thought); she wore hard woman with the soft eyes and stained bed for two hours. My time asked her if I could spend the night at had come, and I surrendered.

Recently, I have been aware of a knew also that no matter what the truly beautiful gift that I have been answer had been, I would never think receiving in bits and pieces over the of myself as a bad seed again. past five years. But again, I finally Today, I am beginning to underhad to be alone to receive it fully. I stand that seed of love. I am beginwas faced with an extremely difficult ning to feel deep inside that.1 need to decision that would, I knew, cause give freely in order for that seed to me great pain no matter what 1 de- grow. In my first years, I believed in cided. I feared that I would drink giving, yes, but really with the intent either way. My sponsors, AA friends, of making you think 1 was a good and AA “babies” were all totally person. And when my AA babies got supportive, and they knew, just as I drunk, I would be infuriated and did, that this decision was between would feel as though I personally had me and my Higher Power. It was a failed. If a drunk woman didn’t sober Sunday morning, and I tried to get up, I felt used. I was in the rehabiliout of bed’but was too filled with tation business, working with develtears of fear and unhappiness to stay opmentally disabled people, and I out. I cried until I was finished. Then, had to quit in my third year because I I went to a book, one that I had was taking so much personal responavoided reading because it dealt with sibility for the clients’ success or my specific decision, and I found that failure that I became “burned out.” others had indeed gone through sim- It seems different for me now. 1am ilar experiences. experiencing clearly the joy of giving. For some years, even in sobriety, I 1 don’t seem to have as much fear of had been carrying around one of my “being used,” and my energy in try- “old ideas,” which went something ing to be of service is high. like this: “No matter how much good For a person like me to say that 1 you do for other people, no matter am able to give without a price tag how nice you appear to others, once (sometimes, mind you, not always; they get to know you, they will see maybe that’ll happen when I’m fifty that you’re really a bad seed.” That years sober) is an amazing thing. But morning, when I decided to take re- it is not impossible. What I see here in sponsibility for my actions in sobri- Alcoholics Anonymous is a wonderety, 1 was able to look at myself in the ful Power. That Power not only mirror and see that, indeed, there was keeps hundreds of thousands of a seed inside me, but it was not the drunks sober and clean a day at a bad seed that 1 had feared – it was a time, but changes takers like me into seed of love, and it had been planted givers who not only need to give to and allowed to grow by the miracle of survive, but want to give because it Alcoholics Anonymous. I knew then feels good! the answer to nly dilemma, and I B. C., Los A ngeles, CaliJ.

March 1983

A t her first young people’s convention, she met brothers and sisters from all over the world –

N EW YORK CITY is where I live, but Alcoholics Anonymous is my home. In 1982, this city was chosen to drink and so not get drunk, and A A is now teaching me how to live a sober life. ber of us. That evening, after a welcoming boat ride around Manhattan, I attended the first session of the questions answered. (My Higher Power is listening even when I don’t think so.) I still have a lot to learn, a host the Twenty-Fifth International The theme of the conference was marathon meeting that would con- lot of growing and changing to do. Conference of Young People in AA. “Happy, Joyous, and Free.” I had tinue throughout the conference. As The conference strengthened my I had been looking forward to it for a not been feeling any of those but the we closed the meeting with the Lord’s faith in our program and in our while, as it was to be my first AA last. I had been somewhat in limbo. Prayer, I felt a warmth that I shall Fellowship, and my understanding conference and my first young After three and a half years of never forget as long as I am sober. that my primary purpose is to stay people’s conference. When it began, 1 sobriety, 1 was just beginning to I had heard honest sharing-shar- sober, continue learning to live sober, was amazed to seeahowbig my family accept and understand what living in ing filled with pain, fear, acceptance, and help other alcoholics to achieve had grown, with all my new sober the new light of being sober could caring, hope, strength, and love. We sobriety. brothers and sisters from around the mean. I had reached a plateau, o r weren’t drinking or drugging; we Once you’ve left home, they say, world. maybe the work on myself and thc were free. Yes, we had living prob- you can never go back. Well, I have a Before coming into AA, I was in changes were more subtle than in the lems, but we had choices and a home where I’m always welcome. Beprison for ten years. The walls were past. 1 was asking my Higher Power, chance to change. I walked into the fore we left, my friend and I picked made of alcohol and drugs. I had “Well, what now?” There had been a streets of New York feeling proud up registration forms for next year’s never grown up, had no idea who or revolution in my life, but now what? and strong. ICYPAA, to to be hosted by Cincinwhat I was. All I knew was how to 1 started the conference helping at I was sad to see my new family nati. God bless us all, and see you in drink to survive. AA taught me, a day the registration desk, and began to leaving what seemed to be too.soon, Ohio. at a time, how not to pick up the first feel overwhelmed by the sheer num- but I left my first ICYPAA with my P. M.,Brooklyn, N. Y.

i – June 1983

“Dvferent “people and “new” ideas were new thing about that young man was though he bristles a bit wherl anyone part of AA from the beginning the bizarre strawberry tint on his hair. refers to a divine presence, he is I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that happy with the AA group as his new people much like him were in the higher power. He is also busy as a bee first groups in Akron, Ohio, and New twelfth-stepping people and doesn’t York City, only without the telltale try to unconvert anyone. He wants to

The Kid hair coloring. 1 haven’t noticed much new in AA in eighteen years, only more of a tendency to talk about it all. My newer friends in the program keep his sobriety by giving it away. He is very glad that we don’t have to declare our belief in anything in order to go to meetings. He brought the

With the sure are vocal. I had trouble speaking up for a few months, but these people seem to yak about personal things right away and at such length, I somebody, and his mind followed. He has read the Bible, but more as a historical document. The earliest members brought it to meetings and believed every jot in the Good Book. My enertimes wonder whether they’re smarter than 1 am. getic pal is grateful that every AA is But no – we have had smart alecks not that religious today. in the program from the start. My AA is not a religion, but we cerfriends sober thirty years or better tell tainly do have experiences to share me the first group had to decide what with one another that work well for to do about someone with another us. Often, the first person to share an addiction, and it was resolved when idea that is not part of our program is Dr. Bob asked, “What would the seen as a bit of an oddball. Some- Master do?” The pioneers also let in times, such a fresh approach is disa shady character with another carded because it is not right for us. shameful .- -~ “~roblem.” because he Occasionally, though, we incoruorate would die d i n k if thiy kept him out. something new into our group con- I WENT TO a meeting iast night and was interested in a new young man who was trembling in his seat, Strawberry hair. I smiled. Now, “they” are coming into Alcoholics j Anonymous. Oh well, h re we go He became one of their most active twelfth-steppers, without letting his science because it does seem to work. Bill W. had this problem when he tried selling us the Twelve Traditions. having a helluva time holding his “problem” interfere. again! 1will be sure to attend when he Interfering ‘ Roman Catholics “Bill, we would love to have you hand steady with a cup of hot coffee, talks for the first time at a meeting, come and speak. Tell us where you and having just as hard a time making forced a decision on the issue of relisince 1 know very little about punk gious slant, and if they hadn’t, we used to hide your bottles and tell us his quavering voice steady as he told rock. In my eighteen years of sobri- about that hot-flash spiritual experius he was new.’ His skin was pale as wouldn’t have those lifesaving words ety, however, I have had lots of “as we understood Him” in Steps ence of yours. But please don’t talk milk from living at night, and his experience with new people bringing anymore about those damned Tradiblack shirt and black pants somehow Three and Eleven. God in AA would trends into meetings. What always have been a Protestant, and agnostics tions.” That’s what we told Bill when looked as if he’d been sleeping on impresses me is that I discover these he asked for time to persuade us to chalk. But the thing that intrigued me and atheists need not have applied. new people and their problems each One of my dearest friends in the adopt the Traditions. All groups are most was his hair – it was dyed and every time as if they were brand- Fellowship is a doctor and an atheist. aware of the Traditions today, or strawberry. new. There is nothing new. The only He is sober twenty-five years, and al- they would go out of business. We

1 am comfortable now with any- but I’ll bet he gets rid of the chalky body who sits next to me at a meet- clothes and combs the hair next time I ing. 1 haven’t met anyone especially see him. At his first meeting, 1 smiled astonishing in years. I’ll bet those and said hello and didn’t tell him too first groups had one of everything much about the program of recovery. among their members, but they kept I simply said he should keep coming mum about certain things and stayed back, and he seemed interested in a sober. forlorn sort of way. He doesn’t be- Keeping mum brings me back to lieve yet, but I will pray, and we’ll see the kid with the strawberry hair. He what develops. won’t keep that unique style quiet, E. S., Manhattan, N.Y.

June 1983

Sobriety Countdown

I T WAS mid-August 1982, in New York City, when 1,200 sober alcoholics gathered for the Twenty-Fifth was three weeks, two weeks, one week of sobriety – the shivers were getting us all. Six days, five days, and International Conference of Young ultimately the most, important and People in AA (ICYPAA). One of the memorable for all of us in AA: one highlights of the weekend of sharing day of sobriety! The place went nuts was Saturday night’s sobriety count- when one lone young man named down. There we were in the enor- Michael stood up. We all started mous ballroom, representing numer- cheering so loudly, I thought the hotel ous states and several countries, and people must be wondering whethwe were asked to stand when our year er we hadn’t all decided to break out or month or week (!) of sobriety was at once. Michael was the most imporcalled. tant person in that room of 1,200 At forty-seven years (then the age sober alcoholics – and we let him of our dear Fellowship), there were know it. none who could stand. Remember, The chairperson of the entire we were mostly of the under-forty ICYPAA weekend practically leaped generation. At twent y-seven, one did over tables wit4 the Big Book stand, and he received enthusiastic clutched to his chest. As a couple of applause. As the count went down to Michael’s new friends raised him to the- single-digit years, many more their shoulders, the chairperson gave stood up. I was one of thegroup with him the Big Book, hugged him three years of sobriety, and it seemed warmly, and wished him one more that there were over a hundred of us. day of sobriety. That’s what it’s all I loved it! about – one moment of caring for But the best part was yet to come. one other alcoholic. I am glad and After the call for one year of sobriety, grateful to be a part of AA. Today, I the count was by months: eleven, ten know the joy of living. (a sizable number stood). Then, it H. P., Boston, Mm.

October 1983

Let’s hear it for the kid! From Omaha, Nebr.: Now, I try to stay out of arguments are. They have a tendency l o no/ lir- I want to commend the writer of as to who does or doesn’t belong in ten, because they have been there. the article “The Kid with the Straw- AA. I have to read pages 449-452 in When a still newer person comes into berry Hair” (June Grapevine). I t was thc Big Book to remind myself not to the program, they tend to set ur aside kxcellent . criticize the purists. K.1′. with the idea that we don’t know how My friends lovingly remind me that to help. We may be newcomers lo I was the “last of the flower From Fort Morgan, Colo.: AA, but we are old-timers to 1110 children” when I stumbled, shaking Early this morning, reading “The disease of alcoholisni. Kid with thc Strawberry Hair,” I wab Be tough with us, old-tinlers, but very impressed. I wish thcrc was son~c still begentle. With the help of God, I way I could get all old-timers and all will someday (one day at a tinic) be newcomers to read this article. where you are. I pray I never gct com- I am a newcomer, and I nced to be placent arid always have time to reminded that that is what I am. I listen, not only to newcomers, but to want to know all now, see ;dl 1 1 1 ) ~ . everyone. R. W. and scared, into my first AA meeting. feel all now – Icarn all now! I think I Thank God, no one told me I didn’t have a good program going. Then I belong because 1 talked about drugs meet with an old-timer, and my more than booze. 1 went to both AA pretty pink bubble develops a hole. and NA (Narcotics Anonyn~ous)for All the thoughts I don’t need o w e the first few months, then made the out. I t is very hard, at forty-three choice to devote my energies to AA, years of age, to discover I an1 but ii because it had what I wanted – long- babe in the woods. term sobriety. The unconditional As newcomers, we do need 1 0 be love and acceptance of those first AA reminded of that. The older people members 1 encountered meant the are not putting us down. They are difference between suicide and giving us the I~elpwe necd to liw. Ihrt sobriety. I think the old-timers also nccd to be reminded of where we new people

January 1984

came to AA is no mystery. I’m an al- feeling in my chest. My heart was coholic! Use your imagination I’m aching. 1 felt desperately alone. I not unique. But something was dif- needed help, and I knew it. ferent now. The good times were Not only did I admit and accept gone. that I was alcoholic, but 1 then had to Even though I was unhappy with take responsibility for my recovery.

No one b too young to be an alcoholic – I AM A seventeen-year-old, grateful, recovering alcoholic. When I came to Alcoholics Anonymous sevmy life, I had become accustomed to it. I knew how to act and react. It was easier to stay that way than it was to When I first came to AA, I was resentful that I had come to the program so young. Today, I thank God enteen months ago, 1 was desperate, change. But somewhere along the that 1 have the chance to be whoever or to get sober like so many of us who stumble road, the seed of AA had been or whatever I want. You see, God through the doors of AA. Just being planted. I couldn’t go on living like gave me the choice – but I had to young doesn’t mean we don’t feel the the no-good rotten drunk I was. I was make it. He’s been there to help me same pain as older alcoholics, or our tired of waking up every morning and ever since. problems aren’t as real. longing for the day to be over because 1hope that more young people find ; . I got involved with booze at a I just didn’t want to deal with it. The Alcoholics Anonymous. It really is a young age. 1 was a blackout drinker, absolute worst was going to bed every beautiful program. and I drank alcoholically from the single night with that tight, squeezing M. H., Lockport, N.Y. start. I also used drugs. So my progression was rapid. Eventually, my “Go big or stay . home” attitude got me into trouble – not to mention my mouth, my lying, stealing, and conning. On binges, I would disappear for days. My parents, who had been “enabling” me, finally sought help. They could no longer predict or control my behavior, and neither could I. I was a wounded, sick “bird” determined to fly. And it was killing me! My parents sent me to a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center, where I spent thirty-six days. People there gave me the tools, but 1refused to use them. Information seeped into my brain, but that was as far as it went. I built no foundation, made no effort. Consequently, I got drunk. . What happened between the time I started to drink again and the day I

March 1 9 8 4

months. 1 just couldn’t make lover I had pictured, but then God anything click. I had done and tried knows better than I, without excepeverything. 1 gave up! tion. There was no trade. We didn’t And that’s when it happened. need one. We both had what we That’s when my whole life became a wanted, and when we came together, dream come true. It didn’t happen it was a union that 1 never dreamed overnight, however. It took applica- could exist. tion of the Twelve Steps specifically We’re celebratipg our first wedto the area of my life that had been ding anniversary soon, and for me, it giving me so much trouble. It took a is literally my first. In all my earlier

Cookingfor lot of prayer and meditation, and a year of celibacy. In that year, I read everything I could and listened to everyone I could, to find my own understanding marriages, I never made it to a first anniversary. Without the patience and understanding of my friends in M,1 never could have made it this time, either. I couldn’t have stayed of God. I became as obsessive about sober without the acceptance that I that as I had been about looking for found in AA. I’d like to add a special

I WAS FOURTEEN when I first went looking foralove. I found a bottle instead. 1 wanted so much to be first time in my life, I thought maybe the reason my insatiable need for love was not being met was something love. It’s ironic, isn’t it? – how you can be looking for the same thing on two totally different paths. 1 disthanks to Ala-Fam; that’s like an AA meeting for couples. In all my years of coupling, 1never learned how to be needed and cared for. 1 wanted wrong in me. covered that God is love. God helped half of a couple! someone to feel they had the whole That was the beginning. I went to me to see that I was love, and that if 1 If you are just finding sobriety, world in their arms when they held AA. But it was not a cure! When I was love, I didn’t have to search for it and feel life lacks the love that should me. I wanted to belong to someone. was three months sober, I was two anymore. And lo and behold, when 1 be there, let me share this with you: From the time I was fourteen, I months pregnant – a direct result of quit searching, there he was! This – Don’t look for love discover it! needed alcohol to give me the courage thirteenth-stepping. I didn’t have al- man was absolutely nothing like the K. T.,Naples, Flu. to trade my body for love. I was cohol in me now, but I was still lookliving in such a dreamworld that I ing for love in the wrong way. By the never knew it wasn’t love 1 was grace of God, I didn’t have to live getting until it was almost too late. with that mistake, but I didn’t learn When 1 was thirty, I had three mar- from it, either. riages behind me, and I was living For nearly five years, I continued with a twenty-one-year-old man. One to compromise my self-respect in renight, the same old tape was playing turn for a little attention. My life was that had played so many times be- one continuous heartbreak, and I fore: I was drunk, feeling unloved, never realized, as I had five years beafraid he was going to leave, and I fore, that it might he my fault. I censaid some terrible things to him. I tered all my efforts on men in AA. loved him, and yet I had to hurt him Then, 1 rationalized that that was my before he hurt me. What happened to problem, and I married a man outme that night was a miracle. For the side AA. That marriagk lasted six

September 1984

About a month later, I had my how I felt. When we deaf with my third relapse – because I just wanted feelings, he always seems to help me. to drink. 1tried to justify my drinking I went to treatment for the second by saying, “Well, I wouldn’t have to time, and when I got out, I was feetdrink if my girlfriend hadn’t left ing good about myself. I had another Not Too Young h me.” Inside, I knew all along I was drinking because I wasn’t working relapse because I was feeling so good, so complacent. This time, it was a the AA program. But 1 was a perfec- little different. As soon as I drank my to Identify tionist, and my ego would not let me admit that. I came back to the profirst drink, I started to feel guilt and remorse. 1 drank three more to try to gram because alcohol had beaten me get rid of that feeling. 1 had four to a pulp once again. drinks in seven hours. I could easily One night, 1 was talking to my say that was social drinking, but the

W HEN I FIRST came to the pro- son. Well, needless to say, I had two gram of Alcoholics Anony- relapses after going to treatment, and mous, I was sixteen years old. The I finally decided to go and talk to my sponsor and told him that he could not help me, because he had not been in places I had been or done the important thing was what the first drink did to me. I’ve started on the road of recovery people around the tables told me to sponsor. things I had done. He said, “1 may once again, and I am doing well. I’m get a sponsor. Being the way I am, I 1 went to his house and told him a not have done some of the things you still the only teenager in my home got three. Two of them, I used a little about my past drinking and have, and I may not have been places group, but I am not the only person couple of times. The other one, I some of the things I’d done. When I you’ve been. But 1 have felt the same who feels the way I do. I’ve seen teendidn’t use at all. Since I considered left, I was a little upset, for two feelings you have felt. I may not have agers like me come in and go back them sponsors, I figured I was okay. reasons. First, he had not done any of walked in your shoes, but I’ve tried out, and all I can do is pray for them The two sponsors I used once in a the things I’d done. Second, he didn’t rhern on.” to find help. The age difference great while moved away. I still didn’t fall for the poor-me story, unlike my From then on, I started to tell my doesn’t matter, I have found. use my third sponsor, for some rea- other sponsors. sponsor what was happening and B. B., Oak Harbor, Wash.

* * i. A p r i l 1985

involved the first year.” Soon, we were going t-, meetings As usual, they were right. 1 did Well, between all the meetings and together and spending our spare time grow from the pain, and I did learn. I a lack of self-esteem, I didn’t give with each other. It was my first hon- learned that I am in no position to tell much thought to romantic interludes. est, loving relationship, and I was another how to feel. When 1 used to I didn’t think anyone would be inter- very happy. I also started to take on tell this girl what she should do and ested in me in the first place. I did her problems as my own, and in turn how she should feel, she resented it. I find a couple of fellows who were she took on my problems. We be- turned around and got a resentment about the same age and had the same came so caught up in each other it because she wasn’t doing things “my amount of time in the Fellowship. We was interfering with our primary pur- way.” (Sound familiar?) became inseparable, going to meet- pose, to stay sober. This life is filled Today, I know that all those sugings together and spending our spare with enough problems, and there is gestions I heard are as true and applitime “hanging out.” This made those no need to take on additional ones. cable now as they were on day one, early months much easier than they Then came the inevitable breakup. and will continue to hold true. would have been, had I roamed The only problem was that she did the Today, 1 see this girl again on a alone. breaking. My ego was devastated! regular basis. It is only possible, how- As time went on,’we all started to She said that she couldn’t handle a ever, because of the pain I felt and a share our mutual feelings toward relationship and work her program, new awareness and sense of priormembers of the opposite sex. Oh, we too. What hurt more was my ego tell- ities. Today, we both realize that our were such a lonely bunch! Here we ing me that if I had been stronger and own sobriety must come first, above were sober and without a woman to “more sober,” it could have been anything or anyone else. share our goodness with. I myself prevented. I hurt awhile, but there I try not to project how long this began to believe that sobriety and were many people around me to give relationship will last. Ours is a daycelibacy went hand in hand. When I support and a hug. I saw a lot of the by-day program of recovery. I only told my sponsor and others of my love found in this program. Along know that a relationship takes a lot of woes, they always brought up that with the hugs came the words “You work and is possible only by working A too-early romance “one year” suggestion. are going to grow and learn from our beautiful program first. got in the way Finally, after about a year and a this.” T. M., Iselin, N.J. half in the program, I met a girl. She of serene sobriety was also in the program, and we seemed to hit it off very well. A relationship between two in the program

I N THE FIRST FEW months of my newfound sobriety, there were, it seemed, countless suggestions from is indeed a beautiful one. There is more honesty and sharing than in a non-AA involvement. 1 was in love, my sponsor and others. I got very and the fact that this girl had only active and spent most of my time eight months in the program was of ‘ either at meetings or thinking about little consequence. As long as I had all I heard at those meetings. With all over a year in the program (my ego this going on, there was one thing 1 said), that was all that mattered. was told that hardly seemed worth Things were finally looking up for mentioning: “Don’t get emotionally this alcoholic.

October 1985

To me, the people who may have a An old-timer looks at young AAs rougher time are not we old-timers, From Claremont, Calif.: but the young people. I have seen How often we hear a speaker say, , youngsters who have lived a lifetime “If I can make this program, any- in a few years, who come into AA all body can.” People think that nobody strung out on heroin, cocaine, pills, else could be as sick or have a life as booze. All I had to fight was booze. fouled-up or have as difficult a time This morning, I was talking to a getting adjusted. The truth is, this beautiful little girl, just twenty years program is not a bit harder for one than another. Your past life does not have a damn thing to do with staying sober today. Whether you drank in bars or at home, whether you are a five-time loser out of a federal prison or have never been arrested makes no difference. You may have been a banker or a bum, a prostitute or a old, who had a $300-a-day heroin missionary; the secret of making it in habit. She just got her ninety-day AA is still working the Twelve Steps. chip. These kids are the miracles in AA. If you doubt it, sit up with a heroin addict going through withdrawal cold turkey. It is an experience you will never forget. I was in six alcoholic psycho wards, and none of them could compare a fraction. Yes, I admire the kids coming into AA. P.w.

j~ January 1 9 8 6 II

(that’s good program, right?). Long had either given me a chance to finish distance. That didn’t work out too my thoughts, or listened to what I did well. For a while I kept at it until I say, they would have realized that I, could visit with my sponsor. But in too, “have a number of twenty-fours” between visits, my stomach went and that my problem right now isn’t crazy. . .Now what do I do? Well, getting sober, but living sober. “Don’t drink, go to meetings, and I know I can’t change what people talk about it,” they told me. So I say, to me and to other young people, spoke up at a closed meeting. I said but I’d like to point out a few things that I was in pain (at that moment I that maybe you could think about. was), and the man who was leading 1. Gratitude is an important ingrethe meeting, interrupted me a few dient in everybody’s sobriety. You

I HAVE ALWAYS CRINGED when I hear peop1.e say, “I’ve been around for a number of twentyjoined a group, had sober peers, did Twelfth Step work, answered phones, and went to hospitals. I found out times. ~ e ‘ d beensober “a few twentyfours,” and couldn’t wait to use his “You’re lucky to be here so young,” had the expeienc; of learning it for yourself; please allow me the same. There are days when any alcoholic fours,” even though I’m definitely firsthand that this program really on me. Then he started to tell me may not feel too lucky to be here. qualified to say it myself. does work. I learned what it means to about ninety meetings in ninety days, Please stop pounding that into my I attended my first AA meeting be sober; I felt like a normal member and how about a sponsor, did I have head. long before my first blackout. My of AA. One time I was talking to a sponsor yet? 2. Please don’t tell me I’m too folks are in AA, and sober today. I someone about doing some public young to be here. I might just believe speaking as a young; sober alcoholic, grew up in Alateen, and we stayed very close to the local AA group, the and they told me I wasn’t what they c c ~arem&ys you. 3. Don’t freak out if I have to talk same group that today is my home group. It’s no longer such an uncomwere looking for, they wanted someone younger. I was too old. when any akohok about drugs at first. Some of us hid our disease under layers of pot-smokmon story, coming into AA through Anyway, I’ve moved away from that city, back to the area where 1first m y notjkl m lucky ing and drug abuse. Once we get the Al-Anon family groups, and I’ll more honest with ourselves we can be forever grateful to Alateen and my got sober. The adjustment to moving to be h m . P k e realize that our drug of choice was fi- Alateen sponsors for helping me get back into my parents’ house has been nally booze. honest with myself about just whose difficult for me. Being away from the stup pundiv that 4. By helping me to understand alcoholism I am powerless over. city I came to think of as home has It took me a long time to let go of also been painful. into my head” that I’m not unique, you will help me to stay sober. If you patronize me, I my “unique” trip, and it took a lot of I’m sober a few years, and I believe will feel different and think that pertime to get it through my thick skull I’m at the stage where “I’ve just got- Alright, this was just one guy at haps it doesn’t all apply to me. that when you said, “Don’t drink, ten my brains out of hock.” Many of one meeting, but the next night, I got 5. Please don’t assume that if we and you won’t get drunk,” you the feelings I’m having now are typi- basically the same treatment, and are young, we must be new. Despite meant me too. After this sank in and cal for people at this stage of sobri- over the weekend at a group anniver- popular belief, many of us do live I got some sober time together, I ety; many are also typical of people at sary, making small talk over coffee, a sober and drug-free lives. It hurts for found myself living in a big city, this stage of adolescence. man tells me “not to worry about all anyone to be patronized. where it wasn’t so uncommon to be Nonetheless, I’ve had a couple of that other stuff, just get some days 6. Last, we probably have drunk at as young as I. It was here I started to rough days in the past few weeks. My together, back-to-back without a least as much, if not more, than you build my foundation. I got a sponsor, first reaction was to go to the phone drink.” If any one of these people ever spilled, and if we haven’t, what

are you proving by bringing it up? mostly older men, farmers, and the I guess I should apologize, first for like. I raised my hand one night, and generalizing, and assuming that all said that although I didn’t want to older members react this way, and drink, my desire to be sober that day second, if I’ve been rude or snide, I’m wasn’t 100 percent. We went around just now learning how to express my the room, and everybody had a difanger, and sometimes I still resort to ferent horror story of why they would sarcasm. I apologize. I hope that I never drink again, how much they may have been able to reach people might lose, how tough it would be to who live in areas where young people get back their families and homes. I are starting to get sober, and perhaps had a tough time identifying, but I other young people who have stayed tried. However, the last man to speak sober, or are just now learning to live said something to me that I’ve kept sober. with me ever since. “Some of us are On days when I begin to feel unique lucky – we can stay sober on the fear again, there are a lot of things that of what will become of us if we drink have helped me. The one that has again. You, however, must stay sober helped the most was told to me at a on the faith of what will become of meeting in a town where I first at- you ifyou don’t. . .” tended college, at a group that was Anonymous, Jamaica, N.Y.

“I believe everyone’s entitled to his own stupid opinion.”

May 1986

who became AA number four. (We We always had a good laugh at that know from Dr. Bob and the Good passage in the Step study group I Oldtimers that this member later had belonged to. An old-timer gave one several slips.) of our members a suspicious glance AA today is more receptive than and said, “1 probably spilled more ever to young people, and the young than you ever drank.” Our friend’s people who went before us lovingly response: “Maybe that’s why I got paved the way to make it a smoother here so young. I rarely spilled any, journey. I am one of the many who and if I did, I licked it up.”

THE NEXT joined AA in the late 1960s and early 1970s. We were in our late teens and early twenties then, and most of us Of course, the vast majority of older members were delighted with our entrance into AA and enthusias-

FIFTY YEARS have been continuously clean, sober, and active since. But old stereotypes and attitudes die hard. Many AA members (including some young newtically supported our efforts at recovery. Actually, the point of that 7ivelve Steps and Twelve Traditions passage was to let high-bottom types of all comers themselves) mistakenly be- ages know they are welcome in AA,

A New Generation lieve that young AAs automatically have high bottoms or aren’t “real” alcoholics to begin with. One man and the Big Book statement has been footnoted: “True when this book was published. But a 1983 U.S./Canada

of Old-Timers told me his reaction to this stereotype when he joined AA thirteen years ago as a young, angry, broke, divorced, sick, unemployed, homeless, ex-convict alcoholic: “You mean I have to membership survey showed about one-fifth of AAs were 30 and under.” Many of these newcomers are half the age of those who have traditionally been considered AA’s “young peo- C oncern about alcoholism in young people existed in the very beginning of Alco~olicsAnonymous groups whose specific aim is to reach the younger alcoholic have mushroomed throughout the country,” be old, too?” Even the Big Book states, “We, who are familiar with the symptoms, ple.” Teen and preteen drinking is a growing problem, and some of these young drinkers are appearing at and has continued to the present day. giving us a glimpse of AA’s interest in see large numbers of potential alco- meetings. It is too easy for such The Big Book, published in 1939, re- young people in the 1940s. In the holics among young people every- young members t o be patronized, igfers to young people when it states, 1950s, young people were sufficiently where. But try and get them to see nored, or not taken seriously. Even in “Several of our crowd, men of thirty organized to address their own con- it!” The idea that young people were young people’s groups, the fourteeno r less, had been drinking only a few cerns, and the First International not real alcoholics or had not year-old newcomers may, other than years, but they found themselves as Conference of Young People in AA suffered enough yet was continued in alcoholism, have less in common with helpless as those who had been drink- was held in 1958 in Niagara Falls, Twelve Steps and 7belve Traditions, the twenty-eight-year-olds there than ing twenty years.” So Twelfth Step New York. as it describes the emergence into AA the twenty-eight-year-olds have with work with young people was occur- AA’s “young people’s depart- of “young people who were scarcely the forty-five-year-old members at ring in the 1930s. In an article entitled ment,” as Bii W. called it in Alcohol- more than potential alcoholics. They other AA meetings. “Bridging the Age Gap” in the July ics Anonymous Comes of Age, actu- were spared that last ten or fifteen So there are now teen AA groups 1950 Grapevine, the author states, ally started in July 1935 with the so- years of literal hell the rest of us had (not Alateen groups) being formed “In the last three or four years, bering up of a thirty-yearlold man gone through.” separately from young people’s

groups. Some young people’s round- that we weren’t doing our part to General Service Conference to insure ups offer “under twenty-one” meet- make sure AA is around to carry the our own recovery. But we do need it ings to help the teenage newcomer identify. More and more young peoccWhenw sobwed up, message to future generations of alcoholics. to insure the recovery of the alcoholic who still stumbles in the darkness, ple’s committees are springing up to throw dances and to show teenagers the older people in AA When we sobered up, the older seeking the light. We need it to insure the recovery of some newborn child, people in AA sponsored us into serthat recovery can be fun. The third sponsored w into vice in young people’s groups. Many inexplicably destined to alcoholism. edition of the Big Book includes “A of us started as tag-alongs, observers, We need it to provide, in keeping with Teen-Ager’s Decision,” a story about scrvh inymqg and alternates for the intergroup and the Twelfth Step, a permanent haven a girl who joined AA when she was eighteen. Pamphlets aimed at teenage people p p s ‘S ” general service offices we would eventually hold. Under the direction of for all alcoholics who in the ages ahead can find in AA that rebirth alcoholics are appearing at more and more experienced members, we which brought its first members back more meetings. .Ironically, young learned those traits of responsibility, to life.” people’s groups need to face up to Most of the AAs who introduced punctuality, follow-through, and Many of us “young people” in AA the fact that the true young people in me and my contemporaries to service compromise that now serve us so well today were the newborn children Ber- AA today are probably ten- to twen- work were older, experienced mem- in our business and home lives. nard Smith spoke of. We smile as our ty-year-old children and adoles- bers who took quiet delight in tending With the maturity and experience wrinkles, gray hairs, and AA birthcents, not twenty-five- to forty-year- to AA’s future. They were much gained from the older members, we days multiply. (One young man has a old adults. more interested in our commitment then rotated into “mainstream” AA receding hairline, but prefers to think In any event, there is an increasing to AA than in our age, hairstyle, service responsibilities. In our experi- that God likes his face so much he’.s pool of young people in AA who, by clothes, language, or other problems ence, young people who restrict their making it bigger.) We owe eternal demographic fact alone, will eventual- and addictions. Our sobriety and Twelth Step and service work to other gratitude to those AA members whose ly become the old-timers and elder willingness to serve was all it took for young people and young people’s efforts were responsible for keeping statesmen and women of the Fellow- them to entrust us with increasing ser- groups alone do not experience the AA alive for us when we needed it. ship. Some of these young newcomers vice responsibilities when we proved full healing power of Alcoholics We can do no less for the legions of will remain sober but inactive in AA, capable and ready. They taught us, Anonymous and deny themselves and young people now joining AA. and others will drop out, relapse, and when we found it difficult to let go of others the opportunity to work with If we follow the old-timers’ examdie. But many will stay to share their positions because “no one else would AAs of all ages. ple, then, God willing, in fifty or sixty recovery with others and will go on to do it,” that-we should create vac- So more and more people with years some bright-eyed, eager young become the backbone of our service uums so they could be filled. They experience in young people’s groups newcomers may approach us after a efforts down through the years. showed us that we don’t have to be in are becoming general service repre- meeting, offer to buy us a cup of cof- How can we help today’s young a hurry to hold every service office, sentatives, district committee mem- fee, and ask us what it was like to be people prepare for this responsibility? because there will always be some- bers, and even delegates. As that in Alcoholics Anonymous way back Perhaps we can begin by setting the thing for us to rotate into. These old- great friend of AA, Bernard B. in 1986. To all our young AA friends sameexample of service for these teen- timers also taught us that practicing Smith, so eloquently described it on active in service work: May God bless age newcomers that the older mem- these principles in all our affairs page 28 1 of Alcoholics Anonymous you and keep you – until then. bers set for me when I first joined AA. meant that overcommitment to ser- Comes of Age: “We may not need a P. C.. Del Mar, Calif. From coffeemaker to delegate, there is vice work could indicate a shirking of something for everyone in AA service. family and other responsibilities; but Special note: May 22-25 is the date for the 29th International Conference of And service work is as essential to no involvement in service work meant Young People in AA. The Grapevine will be there and will present a special recovery as it is to AA’s longevity. that our sobriety could be. shaky and article on this event in the October issue.

that she was “seeing” something else that miserable day. She was not seeing the loss of her job, boyfrjend, car, or the threat of being stranded in the desert that certain Sunday; she was seeing her faith in a Higher Power and her trust in the AA program and way of life. That is what she was seeing, lonely and stranded on Interstate 80 between Reno and Winnemucca. As I listened to her recount her story, I felt my own faith returning. I could see in her eyes the ingredient that had been missing in my own life. In her sharing I could hear the message of hope that AA offers to all of us, again and again. H. H., Reno, Nev.

the simple, sincere way of talking as each member shared experience, strengthTand hope. Then a young “cowgirl” spoke. Yes, she had boots, jeans, and a cowgirl hat. She was from the ranches of Winnemucca. She was nineteen years old, three months sober, and in obvious distress. She had lost her job, her boyfriend, and her car had broken down in the desert between Winnernucca and Reno. She had no money, no prosence last week. pects of employment. She had just I had just arrived in Vegas and was arrived in town and had no friends. attending my first AA meeting in But boy did she have “spirit,” and Nevada. I had had seven good years faith, faith that essential ingredient of

We got there early enough to get could see them off in the distance as good seats, and I sat back to observe they jostled their way through the the throngs of people that filed past. crowd, trying to save their sacred beer Their eyes sparkled with anticipation from spillage. It seemed an eternity, and their faces gave evidence of the but everyone finally settled in. excitement they felt. Raw energy By this time the band was working hung low like a heavy fog and mixed up a sweat and the crowd’s intense with the warm, damp air left over energy was growing. It didn’t take from the muggy day. Multicolored, long before the familiar smell of greased-up hair, six-inch chain ear- marijuana played on my senses. Oh, rings, black leather studded outfits, God! I decided right then and there to and bright, bold, colorful sunglasses thank God for my sobriety. It seemed caught my eye. Nothing was unex- only yesterday when at this same conpected, however. I was merely a spec- cert I was too stoned to even realize what songs were played. Hard rock is tough to figure out anyway, yet at least tonight my mind was intact and I could actually distinguish one instrument from the next and figure out the rhythm. Unfortunately my enthusiastic, absorbed state was interrupted. “What d’ya want?” 1 screamed at my sister over the grating sound of heavy metal. “We have to go to the bathroom,” she yelled. I had forgotten that wretched curse of beer drinking. “Okay,” I shouted, “but hurry , grown out of a lot ofihat loud, deaf- back. I can’t be saving seats all ening music, but since my sister really night.” Off they went again while I wanted me to go I agreed. What the continued to enjoy the show. Yes, by hell, I was still young – twenty-three tinuous grin would suggest to those God, I was enjoying this concert. years old that is, and flexible enough passing by. All around me people were losing to fit in with just about any group of The concert was finally getting their balance and falling off benches people. I decided to make it a good under way and my friends needed because of the effects of alcohol and time so I threw out my negative feel- more beer, so off they trotted to drugs. Yet I firmly held my ground ings and geared myself with a positive battle the c’rowds and long lines while and confidently stepped up my moveattitude. Thus was my mental state I attempted to save their seats. Of ments in the tiny spot I inhabited. I when I headed for the Riverfest on course they missed the first song, and was amazed at the amount of control Harriet Island to rock with R E 0 almost lost their seats. While I was I felt amid all this unleashed energy. Speedwagon. dancing and clapping to the music I Sweating bodies were pushed and

shoved in the whirlwind of mass RE0 Speedwagon for the first time. ple in this rowdy, rambunctious chaos, while endless screaming min- The thoughts and emotions that crowd were thinking of a God and gled in the air with pounding drums coursed through me that night are al- feeling the greater effects of his and electrifying acoustics – still, I most inexpressible. I recognized a energy and power? How many times was in control! My thoughts were year and a half of growth amid the while I was drinking did I become soon disturbed by the scrawny kid blaring, screeching, deafening sounds conscious of my Higher Power and next to me. of electric guitars and synthesizers, my inner feelings? I can’t think of “DOyou have an extra joint?” and saw for the first time that this was one. The only times I remember being “What?” I exclaimed, clearly flab- what self-esteem was all about. I was aware of that is when I cried out in bergasted. He was maybe fifteen or not afraid to do my own thing in this pain and desperation. He was there – sixteen. “Do you have any extra weed, the fin=ttime t.2 crowd. I was not worried about how I looked, nor intimidated by how then, but I couldn’t see him through my tears, my darkness, my raw pain. man?” he repeated, somewhat hesi- thzkJmwhat self- others looked. I was not comparing “Did you have a good time?” I tant this time. myself to others; I was not crazy, and asked my sister when it was all over. “I wouldn’t even have a match to esteem wlls all &&P felt no need to act crazy; I was defi- “Yeah, it was great,” she anlight one for you,” I answered. He nitely not unhappy; and I was not swered, but quickly changed the sub- , didn’t seem to believe me, but 1 really song. “Don’t go to the bathroom,” thirsting for attention and accept- ject to the amount of beer that was couldn’t help him. I looked at him she shouted in my ear, uninterested in ance, or trying so hard to feel that I spilled on her. I could plainly see the again and smiled. my comment. “You wouldn’t believe belonged. I was not inside looking effects of the concert were short-lived. Half an hour passed before I saw how long the lines are.” out, rather I was outside looking in. Tomorrow she would not remember the familiar faces of my sister and her As she continued to be preoccupied I stood in the middle of 35,OOO peo- the real music, only a loud, undisfriends. They were having trouble with lighting her cigarette and care- ple and felt free to be a different, tinguishable sound and a lot of peogetting through the wild crowd. Too fully guarding what beer she had sal- unique individual. The most impor- ple. I, however, had discovered a new bad they were missing the whole show. vaged, I absorbed myself in the ex- tant part of it all is that my Higher dimension to my sobriety, and it was When they finally made it, I informed citement of the live music and the fact Power was with me and I was con- well worth a hard-earned six bucks! her that they had played her favorite that I was seeing-really seeing – scious of him. How many other peo- B. Z.. St. Paul, Minn.

toughest things for me was to go to alcohol and drugs. I thought if 1 went discussion meetings, but I went be- to meetings (which I did), if I didn’t

Yea but.,. cause my sponsor told me to go. For drink (which I didn’t), every day three months I said nothing more should be pain free. When it didn’t than my name and that I’m an alco- turn out that way, 1became angry, reholic. But at least I went, and more sentful, full of self-pity, and didn’t year: morning drinking, blackouts, important than that, 1 listened. I think the program really worked. I lying and using people, dropping started hearing things for the first hadn’t dealt with feelings and emoclasses in college, people covering for time, though I’m sure they had been tions when 1 was drinking, and I me at work. Physically I had devel- said at meetings many times before. wasn’t dealing with them sober. But oped an enlarged liver that caused Little by little, changes were starting the program started working for me more …- ~ain than I could stand. to take place, and a bit of honesty when I started meeting life on life’s ~ & s ethan all those things were started developing. terms and not my own. the feelings of self-hate, the fears, the What I began to realize was that I I still go to five or six meetings suicidal thoughts, and so on. For a really was a lot like everybody else. I a week – open, discussion, and Step year I went to meetings but never put was sick, not bad. I started sharing a meetings. The Steps are so importhe drink down for more than four or few thoughts and people were very tant as I travel along the road to five weeks at a time. patient with me. Eventually the fear recovery. They help me with choices Almost a year later to the date, of sharing started to decrease. and decisions that have to be made I had what I hope was my last drink. These last three years have been day by day. How, at age twenty-one, could al- very different from the first two. I am not alone anymore unless 1 cohol have taken control of my There has been a lot of struggle, with choose to be. The relationship I have life? It didn’t matter though, because ups and downs, bouts with depres- developed with my Higher Power, it had. sion, defiance, and taking control. whom I choose to call God, is unbe- That was almost five years ago, But what 1 have learned not to do is lievable, and it can only get better as and by the grace of God, I am still keep it inside, because that only long as I keep doing what the prosober today. My first two years in the makes me sicker. gram suggests. I used to think that the . program were very difficult. I had Looking back at those first two less help I had to ask for, the better I constant depressions and suicidal years, I see now why it was so diffi- was, because it meant I could do more thoughts, and constantly battled the cult for me. I was loaded with anger, on my own. I see where that kind of desire to drink. After two years I end- resentment, self-pity, jealousy; the thinking led me. I ask for he1p.a lot ed up in a detox center, luckily before list goes on. I worked hard at being today, not only in the morning and at I drank. I spent three weeks there, who 1 thought everybody wanted me night, but also throughout the day. and it gave me a chance to take a to be, happy-go-lucky without a care In order for me to maintain my so- A s my five-year anniversarydraws better look at my sobriety. near, I feel not only grateful, I did not come out of the detox cenbut also overwhelmed. I walked into ter raring to go at the program. The in the world, but inside I was falling apart. My acceptance of life and situations always had an as long as briety and serenity, to livelife the way it is supposed to be lived, I need total reliance on God, sharing what is going my first AA meeting six years ago following two months I stayed on the attached. I could turn my will and life on in my life with other people, and ‘ looking to be taught how to drink the fence and f~nallycame close to drink- over as long as. . . .I fought life every doing what I am supposed to do no right way. Little did I know all the ing again. I had a sponsor, but now I step of the way. matter how I feel. m s that could happen only in a started to really use her. One of the I used the program the way I used D. J., Westboro,Mass.

unable to tell anyone how different I thought the book said not to do the felt. I saw all these sober people with Step with anyone, lest they might years on the program, and my insides misunderstand. How she must’ve just didn’t match their outsides, and I chuckled at this. Well, that night, we was too self-willed to ask anyone for did the Third Step together on our direction of any kind, especially knees and shortly thereafter I came involving the Steps. out of the breakdown and headed for At any rate, when I was eleven my first AA birthday. months sober and had left my The specialness of my first year, mother’s home the month before and with all my insanity and the patience moved into my sponsor’s previous my sponsor showed me, 1 shall be residence – a W a – m o n t h single ga- grateful for forever. Had I not been rage with a bathroom next door b~ able to develo~a foundation in sobri- F or some reason, I just started thinking about my first year of sobriety and remembering details head, the part of my story that gets really strange is my first year of sobriety. the neighbor’s pool – I was in thk definite process of a nervous breakdown. She came to see me and told ety through her friendship, I might never have made it this far. And I leave you with this: If you more clearly than I was previously My first sponsor was a “ninety- me to do the Third Step with her. I ever think you are overdue for a miraable to. I am coming up on my seven-pound weakling.” I remember told her to get out of my house, and cle in your life, just remember you”re twenty-first biological birthday and first “wanting what she had” after what did she mean by do the Step right in the middle of one. my sixth AA birthday. seeing her at an AA dance. At the with her? You see, in my insanity, I Anonymous, Palm Springs, Calif. Yes, I sobered up at age fifteen, time I was only a couple of months and if you’re wondering when I start- sober. She was young, she was a good ed drinking, it was when I was eleven. dancer (I was too), and I watched her. Of course, I’m an addict also, so that She was also very thin, and having helped get me to AA a lot faster. always been overweight enough to My drinking story is not much dif- bother me, I was envious of her size. ferent from yours except that alcohol I guess 1 didn’t meet or speak to her wasn’t as easy for me to get, so I until a couple of months later (in ‘ made sure that I ran with people who those days I wasn’t apt to just saunter could get it. We drank whatever and up and introduce myself – I was very used whatever, t o get as loaded as we hostile). But when I heard her talk in possibly could. My drunks were fairly a meeting, I found she was a year protected because my “friends” younger than I and had six months watched out for me, so I didn’t go to more sobriety. I don’t remember offijail or a hospital, but I now know that cially meeting her or asking her to was only through God’s grace. And, sponsor me, but we soon became of course, I was still living at home, close. We were to spend almost every so I didn’t have to fend for myself weekend night of the following severwhile I was drinking. If I had I surely al months at late meetipgs, coffee would’ve been a goner. afterward, and then all-night rap Even with all this confusion in my sessions. I needed that because I was

I have resigned from my position as bleeding deacon. I am through “viewing with alarm” the conduct of ened; I even thought of leaving it So they show up at our AA meetalthough I had been a co-founder of ings. They’re seeking the help they’ve the group over eighteen years ago. been told they will find. They’re certain newcomers in our midst. I Some did leave. Others started a new seeking sponsors. They often bring have stopped splitting hairs about group elsewhere on the same night. friends, and their friends are also terms such as “chemical dependen- Then, as has happened before in seeking help and sponsorship. my life, my Higher Power stepped in What a tremendous opportunity and gave me a good rap on the this is for us to carry the message! It’s knuckles. He did this by sending a up to us to help them. It’s up to us to young man sixteen years old to ask me see that they get active. It’s up to us to if 1 would be his sponsor. This young get them to contribute. It’s up to us to man, a dual addict, was just out of provide the guidance that they need. treatment. He said he had been told We shouldn’t be afraid of change to come to AA and to find a sponsor. in AA. This great program of ours I’ve always tried never to say no to has gone through change before and anything I’m asked to do in AA. So come through it stronger than ever. I this new sponsorship experience be- well remember when it was thought gan. It has been quite an experience! that one had to be down and out and’ When you consider that fifty years on skid row to be “ready” for AA. separate us in age, you can appreciate When I came into the Fellowship in that there is a slight generation gap! 1953 that skid row idea still existed.

Opportunity Knocks But I’ve been listening to this young Some of the then old-timers looked man just as I expect him to listen to askance at me because I still had a job me. It has been a learning experience and had my family. A couple of these for both of us. old boys told me later that they never the foregoing, because 1have found a trays, help stack chairs, or any of that I’ve learned that there are a lot of thought I’d make it because I hadn’t whole new opportunity to do Twelfth good stuff. And when the basket was young people going through treat- been hurt enough. Step work and carry the message! passed, all they did was p a s . ment these days. So many, in fact, Fortunately AA survived that kind Being a typical alcoholic, I man- The straw that gave the camel the that our facilities in Cleveland cannot of thinking. Yes, AA is capable of . aged during the past year to work my- pain in the back was the kid who handle them all. Therefore, many are change. We’ve absorbed the high self into a real tizzy over the invasion showed up with a radio and attempt- getting help in other cities such as bottoms and the women and the of AA by much younger people, ed to have a rock and roll concert for Columbus and Toledo. younger and younger people. I’m many of whom are dual addicts. himself during the discussion part of As a result of treatment and intro- sure we can absorb the kids with their It seemed to me that just overnight our meeting. duction to AA in hospitals, the young addiction to alcohol, pot, and pills. our group and several others were It all made me wonder. Where are patients are encouraged to attend AA AA will survive because you and I overrun with youthful mopheads these kids coming from? Had when they get home. They are told to know we can keep it only as we give it who noisily occupied space but con- someone, somewhere, turned over a go to AA and to find sponsors. away. And here come legions of new . tributed nothing. They just didn’t large rock? The kids seemed to have When you stop and think about it, people who have no place else to go participate. Oh, they ate the dough- no manners, no understanding of where else can they go? AA is their and who need our help. nuts and drank the coffee. But they AA, no sponsors. only chance for continuing help, just What a great opportunity! didn’t work in the kitchen, empty ash I felt that the group was threat- as it is for me. R.L., Bern, Ohio

June

clearly. I had another drink or two, yers, mechanics, engineers. . .you and the vision slipped away. The next name it, we had it. It was impossible morning I felt so depressed that I to attend meetings of this group withtried suicide, some barbiturates pre- out being different from (and also the scribed for my “nerves,” washed same as) some other AA present. I’indown with booze. I was astounded to gratiated myself with “them” by infeel elated and wonderful again now forming the schoolgirl that I had that I believed 1 had put all the misery spilled more booze on my necktie behind me. Less than a week later I than she had ever drunk, m u s y was drinking again and in full flight aloud that it was small wonder lawfrom reality. yers became alkies, and sneered Later I discovered other high roll- about “cookbook engineers. ” 1 fan- ers (as I saw myself) in AA who cied myself as being so bad that I was

S ick, sober, and sorry, I attended my first AA meeting, going all alone, in the 1950s. I was at least fifso on. Driven by the intense suffering drinking caused, I would return to AA from time to time, seeking relief thought and felt about life as I did. We reshaped AA, the rest of the world, and all the people in it. The unique and proud of it. I was a real alcoholic. The group didn’t throw me out teen years younger than anyone else from a life I did not enjoy. I became only trouble was, I could not stay (maybe that’s what I really hoped present, and did not identify with deeply embittered and hostile because sober. Walls to keep others away anything 1 heard. I went home disap- I could find no peace when I quit went up, and I became a prisoner in pointed and depressed even though I drinking. Life without booze seemed my own fortress. I had become was made to feel quite welcome. I dull and boring. I did more and more “different.” simply “wasn’t that bad.” solitary drinking, fearful for my The year 1978 found me in the most unlikely AA group that can be imagined. Members ranged from a

Just Another Grape A fifteen-year-old schoolgirl to a for-

on the Vine – Countless vain attempts to prove 1 sanity. I tried psychiatrists, treatment could drink like other people fol- programs, and read lots of “fix your lowed. Too proudly self-sufficient own head” books. and stubborn to admit I was bodily 1recall admiring my presence in the and mentally different from my fel- mirror behind the bar late one night. lows where booze was concerned, I Suddenly a great feeling of elation tried every imaginable remedy. I and wonder came over me. All at switched jobs, went to beer only, once 1 knew who I was, why I was counted drinks, tried antabuse, and here, and saw the meaning of life

was a Big Book study group, and AAs, and our AA Fellowship for my there is some truth in the old saw, “If life. There is a saying that when the you want to hide something from an pupil is ready, the teacher will alcoholic, put it in the Big Book.” A appear. Everyone in that group bebrand new paragraph still mysteri- came my teacher, and I learned the ously appears in my Big Book now basic lesson that people are different, and then. some maybe even special, but as alco- I became a regular at Big Book and holics we differ little in the pain we Step meetings and slowly came to suffered and the experience, strength, realize that AA offered a program of and hope we can offer to other daily living as well as sobriety. All my alcoholics. life I had no plan for living and was As AA grows there are more and just winging it, with disastrous more special groups forming for results. I was once a practicing men, women, policemen, gays, agnostic, and this group helped me to young people, and so on. I sometimes discover that God as I understand wonder if I would enjoy living sober him, plus prayer and meditation, today if I had found a special group bring the peace I sought all my life. whose members see themselves as My big ego crumbled enough for me different from other alcoholics. 1 also to get a sponsor. I learned that I can wonder if some of the AA groups I help myself by being useful to others. attend aren’t becoming just a bit I got a great feeling of belonging, and special without intending to. And I life began to take on pleasant aspects have to wonder, am I doing my best again. I no longer saw myself as so to make all newcomers feel welcome unique I had to be proud of it. to our Fellowship, just as that Big Most of those AAs I maliciously Book group did for old unique and insulted are still around today and are obnoxious me? good friends. I owe God, these gentle J. F., Aurora, Ill.

June 1986

soul sickness. You talked about al- The topic was the program! The tered attitudes. discussion meetings were my class-

Motw Mouth But you didn’t ask me if I had any problems that I wanted to talk about. If I’d had the liberty to waste an hour room. You spoonfed me what I needed for my own growth. You didn’t let me wallow around dissecting every

Meets the Mechanics of everyone’s time telling you how I’d messed up my life, what relationship problems had developed, and my other thousand-and-one complaints, aspect of my misspent life. “There is a Step for that – Number Four,” you said. And I never got to be the star of one single discussion meeting

“D oes anyone out there have a problem. . .? Need t o talk about it.. .?” Was World War I1 self-esteem. You taught me that we were all one. You talked to me in the language of the heart. You showed I would have loved it! When I started with, “You don’t understand, I’m different,” you were just because I had come up with the most elaborately worded complaint of the day. noisy? Of course! Talking about my me how to get a sponsor and urged compassionate but firm. Old-timers came to discussion ‘ problems was a way of life for me as me to begin the process of trusting You said, “We do understand. If meetings then. Today many of us . an active alcoholic. When I hear that another human being. You invited you’re having problems spend more shirk that opportunity. We complain statement at the beginning of a discus- me to talk to you before and after the time in prayer or with your sponsor. that the program is not properly dission meeting, I wonder if we are doing meetings. You touted telephone ther- If she doesn’t have the answers she’ll cussed, and then perpetuate the situajustice to our beautiful program. tion by not sitting in and offering our My first AA meeting was at a dis- miracles back to AA. We also cheat cussion group, and I know that I’m ourselves of the fresh spontaneity of partial to that experience. Like chil- the newer members. Without expodren who explore their loved ones sure to new people my program beand their environment, I was allowed comes dull and grey. to explore AA and sobriety. You knew I have recently been doing some inthat I didn’t know what was good for ventory work on my involvement in me and you guided me through those discussion groups. I need to look at early months accordingly. In my my motives for being there or not bechildlikeness I was fed a nurturing ing there. (Sometimes 1 am ashamed – diet of experience, strength, and hope. at my ego-centered motives.) 1 need When I came to you I didn’t know to look at my willingness to share a how to use the ‘Welve Steps to walk in spiritual way of life. I need to look at the sunlight of my Higher Power. You my program and see if I am living in gave me a wall of spiritual people so – the answers or creating new problems. that I could have a buffer from the in- apy as a “meeting between meetings.” direct you to one of us who does.” Or Does anyone have a problem you , sanity that raged through my entire At the discussion groups I attended, , you said, “Let’s talk about it after need to talk about? being. You gave me acceptance and you talked about the AA way of life, the meeting. The chairman already “Yeah, I do!” taught me the positive aspects of the Steps, the Traditions, and a spiri- has a topic for tonight’s meeting.” I’m going to take my problem to the word “discipline” (a word I tual experience. You talked about the And the chairman did have a topic, my sponsor and resolve it. Then I detested!). answers and how you had solved per- one he had prepared beforehand by want to take the answer to a discus- I knew that you had experienced sonal problems. You talked about reading AA literature and looking at sion meeting. my pain, my hopelessness, my loss of spirituality and how it replaced your his own life experience. J. B., Columbus, Ohio

members with the “Maybe I’m too young

hind a pair of dark sunglasses, with Texas Ranger’s spurs clanked to the his silver spurs propped up on the floor like a gunshot. He got up from table in front of him, and his hun- his seat and a path cleared in front of dred-dollar cowboy hat tipped back him as he sidled up to the newcomer. onto his sunburned forehead. The Ranger bent down, lifted up his Well, one day a young fellow sunglasses, and looked straight into showed up at the meeting in pretty the newcomer’s bloodshot eyes. bad shape. He was cut and bleeding, “Son,” he asked, “just how much “Forty-nine. . .? Fortyeight. . .?” and what clothes he had left reeked of damned fun can you stand?” With growing anticipation, the alcohol. Some of the older members The next stop on the sobriety countsobriety countdown continued until of the group quickly got to their feet down was thirty-one years, followed the audience erupted at forty-five and ushered the ragged newcomer to by twenty-nine, twenty-seven, twenyears, and Lou M. was demanded at the front of the room where they be- ty-six, twenty-five, twenty-three, and the podium by thunderous applause. gan to tell him what AA was all every year thereafter, all the way Once behind the microphone, this about. After a pretty good earful, the down to the brave newcomer who ICYPAA veteran proceeded to regale newcomer took a skeptical look stood up to announce one day of sothe audience of 2,450 .register& around him. briety. The chant broke out, “Keep

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Coming Back! Keep Corning Back!” rado put it this way: “So many peowhile people all over the banquet hall ple have asked, ‘What is it like?’ “I am a Big Book thumper and I ing, and transportation all became scrambled to find him a Big Book. It Well, it is commonly referred to as believe what it says at the end of the further opportunities for the Higher was clear that one day of sobriety was ‘conference-junkie fever.’ Appendix on spiritual experiences, Power to remain anonymous, as the greatest blessing in the room that “For me, the trip to Miami had something about contempt prior to “coincidence” after “coincidence” night. As Debbie S. of Des Plaines, many purposes. First, I’d been sober investigation. So, I went to investi- began piling up. Sandy R. from Vero Illinois noted, “We had a man who only three weeks when ICYPAA gate. But the theme ‘Sunlight of the Beach, Florida, sober less than two celebrated forty-five years of sobri- came to my state last year. I saw the Spirit’ bothered me a lot. I felt it was months, just happened to have a ety and a person with one day. The spirit then, and I wanted what they close to blasphemy. brother-in-law from New York who . neat thing is that God loves them had. In Miami, I got it for myself and “About three weeks prior to my ar- had an extra bed in his room. both the same.” just want to keep passing it on. The rival at the conference, I was involved Another member who had a problem “Sunlight of the Spirit” was the second reason for coming was to cele- in a personal inventory, reflecting on getting time off from her job was able theme for this year’s conference in brate my one-year anniversary in a it and doing a review of it with pages to work out a combination of per- Miami, Florida, and when the regis- special way, with a double treat – an 64 through 70 of the Big Book. As I sonal days, vacation days, and a tration desk in the lower lobby of the ICYPAA and a dream come true. was reading on page 66, I stopped “flex” day with her supervisor. Hyatt Regency opened on Thursday For ten years I had sat on bar stools cold. Realization struck as I read Car after car pulled into the Hyatt morning there was an excited, vibrant bragging about going to the Epcot these words, ‘ . . .we shut ourselves Regency. Baggage was unloaded, cab crowd in waiting. For many it was Center in Orlando someday. Now off from the sunlight of the Spirit.’ I bies were paid, and anxious, squinttheir first ICYPAA, while for others I’m grateful to say that Disney World was immediately comforted but also ing faces came out of the bright Florit was an event they wouldn’t dream and the Epcot Center have become a ashamed I had had those thoughts ida sunshine into the cool, darkened of missing, year after year. reality – thanks to God, AA, and about the theme of the conference. A lobby of the hotel only to adjust from Laura R. of Breckenridge, Colo- Florida young people.” spark within me ignited.” the glare, recognize a face in the mill- A woman from Illinois had this to ing crowd, and greet an old friend. say: “As I write this letter, I am Armed with T-shirts, coffee mugs, 31,000 feet in the air reflecting on my day-care facilities, and 400 pounds of second ICYPAA. I attended my first coffee, the Florida planning comrnitin Chicago and was reassured that tee was ready for the surge. Registrayoung people’s conferences did not tion proceeded (representing46 states, necessarily mean just young in age, three provinces of Canada, Puerto but rather anyone who was still will- Rico, the Virgin Islands, the Baha ing to grow. I have been sober a little mas, Venezuela, Ireland, and Saudi over six years and an important part Arabia), and unless one was either exof my recovery has been retreats, tremely quick or extremely shy, a hug conventions, and conferences. In my from the ICYPAA hospitality hugopinion, I have not attended any gers was inescapable. There were greater conferences where there was sign-up tables, too, for snorkeling so much love, warmth, and people trips and boat tours, if one could find just having fun enjoying sobriety time amid the ample program of than at the International Conferences meetings, anchored in the Steps and of Young People in AA.” Traditions, which was offered around In such a spiritually charged at- the clock. mosphere, problems of money, hous- “Walking into the hotel that day in

There were others, more timid per- steady flow of hungry travelers, and May, there were people, lots of peo- haps, who stayed on the fringes, un- the employees of that shop got a good ple, sober people, all over the place. able to break the ice. Many said, “I look into the clear eyes of AA’s future. Feeling very overwhelmed and can’t take it anymore. I haven’t shared Being a large hotel, the Hyatt had scared, I said, ‘I need a meeting.’ at a meeting yet and I’m miserable. 1 lots of other events going on in the There was one going on not ten feet know this is the only thing that will days just past, and the last large away. I went in and sat down. A man help, but I have so much fear.” group of faces these employees had had the microphone. He was ner- ‘Fear, lots of fear,” said a woman seen were those gathered for the Miss vous, recently out of a treatment pro- from Nebraska. “It was the same fear USA contest. In one twenty-fourgram, and had never been to an I had when I asked someone to be my hour period during the Miss USA ICYPAA before. His mother had sponsor; the same fear I had when I competition, the pizza shop had gone written to him while he was in treat- did my first Fifth Step; the same fear through twenty-one cases of beer. ment and his sponsor had suggested I had when I sincerely prayed the ICYPAA changed all that. he share her letter with us. He did, Seventh Step prayer. By some bizarre twist of fate, and I was amazed, for she had written “My boyfriend and I arrived at the though, the hotel’s scheduling called , “In my hometown groups I can what was true about me, too – how Hyatt. We registered and took a look sometimes deceive them about what’s for one of the meeting rooms in the my own friends had felt about my at the program to see which topics we lower lobby, directly across from one would sit in on first. Since I had been going on with me. I can comer a symbehavior and active drinking years. pathetic ear -but not with my peers. of the larger AA meeting rooms, to Those were the hard truths and involved in an incestuous relationship be the location for the Scotch as a child, we decided to go to the sex- For them to be sober seven years at realizations I was learning to face age twenty-five, they have walked in Whiskey Information Center’s recep about myself in my sobriety. Wow! ual abuse discussion. After some con- tion and tasting session on Thursday fusing room changes, I finally found my shoes. Yet nobody said it. Instead Lurking in my thoughts I knew I you could see it and feel it! And in night, the opening night of the conmust share the truth too, but would I myself sitting in a room with three ference. Participants on both sides of other people, wondering why I had equal proportion you could feel the be able to?” this unusual pairing of events mindecided to come to this meeting at all. love, the giving and giving and giving One woman remarked, “I was – freely, with no strings.” gled in the hallways, casting skeptical definitely ready for a weekend of “As more people wandered in, a As the bikers started pulling in, one looks back and forth. The odd mixmaking new friends, partying, atten- woman from New York started the by one and in groups, from as far ture of tasters and ex-tipplers did, ding super marathon meetings, and meeting. Then people began sharing however, afford an opportunity to taking risks to grow and change. their stories associated with sexual away as Boston and Montreal, the abuse, both incest and spouse abuse. conference picked up steam and the carry a powerful message of love to at Everywhere I turned, people were least one drinker. They all sfoke so honestly, finally I coffeepots flowed freely. A twentyhugging, and in the air was an four hour pizza shop on theconcourse As the evening darkened and the overwhelming attitude of gratitude got up enough courage to raise my cooler night air settled over the patio for being sober, alive, and free.” hand and share my own story of the Hyatt served to sustain the Others had similar feelings, even as honestly as I could. This part of my though they arrived late. “I arrived life had been hidden for some fifteen for the Friday evening activities, years, and after I finished I started to stayed overnight, and attended sev- cry. I knew why I needed that meeting eral meetings. There was wonderful – maybe not at first, but I knew after fellowship just moving from coffee I had spoken that I was not alone. urn to coffee urn in the lobby area.” Other people had gone through what For some, such as a woman from I had gone through, and I could final- Margate, Florida, the rich program ly talk about it.”

out along Miami’s streets, avenues, present did not intend to be passive and highways to shop, to sample recipients of the AA message, but Miami’s Cuban cuisine, or simply to rather were hellbent on taking an acwander. Snorkeling trips came and tive role. went, and ad hoc groups piled onto In the reading of “How It Works,” buses or into cars and headed for the for example, following the words beach. Meanwhile, back at the Hyatt, “Here are the steps we took. . .” the the poolside fellowship that was to audience “helps” the reader by continue throughout the conference shouting out the numbers of the Steps was shifting into high gear, as one of in unison. the fringe benefits of this year’s site “ONE!” selection – unlimited tanning – “We admitted we were powerless came to fruition. “My wife will think over alcohol – that our lives had be something’s funny if I don’t come come unmanageable.” back with a tan,” one New Yorker “TWO!” outside the lower lobby, a number of was heard to say. ‘Came to believe. . .” AAs had gathered outside to talk and ‘& I? But, by the time eight o’clock rolled “THREE!” and so on all the way share. suddenly, a man with a drink around, and the sun-ripened bodies through the Steps, until the audience in his hand appeared at the top of the were scrubbed clean of tanning oil overreaches itself and shouts out patio steps. He stumbled and fell and perspiration, a crowd began to ‘THIRTEEN!” headlong onto the patio bricks. With- gather at the banquet hall for an open This impulsive addition, however, in seconds, he was surrounded by a vine (the “Rock and Roll Sobriety” speaker’s meeting. For most, it was is met with a resounding and collecgroup of AAs who had seen the fall. issue) and stuck it into his pocket with the fist unveiling of the giant con- tive “BOO!” -putting to rest one of By “coincidence” two registered the hope that the Twelve Steps print- ference banner – a banner tradition- the common misconceptions about nurses (Lori K. from Detroit, Michi- ed on the inside of that cover might ally passed on from one host city to young people’s groups. gan and Kathie M. from Joliet, I1- someday be of help. the next. Spanning the width of the Then, finally, in the phrase followlinois) were in the crowd. As the meetings continued into the podium platform, the banner served ing the words, “Many of us ex- Though the fellow never did fully night, there was “an energy, a force as a stirring backdrop as speakers claimed. . .” the audience again regain consciousness, the two sober – very powerful, very dynamic. Yes, from Boston, Maryland, and Minne- chimes in, right on cue: “‘What an nurses stayed by his side until the it was the spirit! Those people (me) sota shared their stories. order! I can’t go through with it,'” Miami paramedics finally arrived. were possessed with a sense of power Again, as in the smaller meetings, adding, however, an emotional ad- Judging from the fall, it was hard to and direction. Sharing it and giving it the mood of participation and honesty dendum not written into the original determine whether the fellow had away. Just as the sun emits its rays, was strong. The meeting opened with text in response to this blatant form simply staggered froni the drinking or the Spirit of the Universe, Creative the Preamble, “How It Works,” and of denial. Can’t go through with it, had actually had a seizure of some Intelligence, the Great Reality – a reading of the Twelve Traditions. you say? sort. In either case, someone thought all those things the Big Book talks Familiar as these passages are to “BULL—-!” a little reminder wouldn’t hurt when, about – were alive in each and every many AAs, one of the more appeal- On Saturday morning, the longand if, the fellow regained conscious- one of us.” ing, and revealing, customs of the big awaited bidding session for next ness. Since a Big Book wouldn’t do On Friday, with temperatures meetings at ICYPAA breathed a new year’s conference took place in the under the ‘circumstances, someone creeping up into the low 90s, young vitality into these important readings. Hyatt’s auditorium. While exciteripped off the cover of a May Grape- AAs, Al-Anons, and Alateens spread It was clear that the majority of those ment was high and regional enthusi-

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asm at a peak, the point at which service meetings. In an hour-long inmoney and spirituality must mix had formational meeting, the first of its finally arrived. With ten cities or re- kind at an ICYPAA, the art director gions presenting formal bids to the and associate editor of the Grapevine ICYPAA Advisory Council (made led an informal session designed to up of fifteen elected members – open the doors of communication, three from each host city of the past answer questions, and highlight some five conferences), matters of prac- of the history and hopes of the ticality and reason began to prevail. Grapevine. One member who had some serious When the question “How many of doubts about what he was doing at you have ever thought about writing the conference was reassured by the an article for the Grapevine?” was powerful energy generated at the bid- asked, nearly every hand in the room ding session. “All of a sudden it felt went up. And yet, when the corres- lights from the April proceedings. affixing responsibility for the future like AA, and I finally knew why I had ponding question “How many have The third speaker at the workshop of AA just where it ought to be: “If come.” Anotkr member noted, “I actually done it?” was asked, no was the past Pacific regional trustee, AA goes to hell, it’ll be Your fault, wish political conventions would take hands went up. It was suggested that who, with the trustee from Arkansas, not mine,” he said. note of the bidding session. It was this was precisely the purpose of had been at the ICYPAA in Denver As the hour moved closer and clasorganized and impressive, but with the Grapevine’s participation at last year. Most impressed with the er to the traditional Saturday night the spirit of joy.” ICYPAA – to try and bridge that enthusiasm shown at ICYPAA, she banquet and dance – and announce- With serious considerations of a gap, and to offer young people an likened the spirit of the conference to ment of the 1987 conference site selecpractical nature before it, the Ad- opportunity to voice their experience, the spirit of “old-time” AA. There tion – the tension and excitement visory Council listened carefullyto all strength, and hope to the Fellowship. was, she said, “a sense of newness,” began to mount. Poolside bathers rethe bids. A considerable investment After the Grapevine meeting was a a freshness so welcome on the AA turned to their rooms only to emkge of time, energy, research, and hard General Service Trustees workshop, landscape, a landscape where AA is moments later in elegant dresses, work had gone into each of the bids, held for the second year in a row. so well known and so readily avail- jackets, and ties. The crowd milled and some sites were bidding for the Leading the workshop was the re- able that many often take it for grant- around the banquet hall in anxious second or third time. While banners, gional trustee from Arkansas, who ed. “ICYPAA is unique,” she said, anticipation, as state by state the bumper stickers, buttons, and do- provided some background informa- and later noted that any AA event doors were opened. Waiters in black gans had been passed around from tion on the duties of a trustee, and that could negotiate free coffee pants and ruffled shirts scurried to day one of the conference, and re- shared some personal experiences as a around the clock was most .certainly and fro, setting up tables and taking gional chants had spontaneously trustee and as president (since rotat- to be commended. care of last-minute details. Faces, broken out at the most unusual times, ed) of the AA World Services board While most of those present were once bent and twisted in pain, like the finally it was facts, figures, intuition, – one of the two publishing arms of service-oriented, it was hoped that face of the young newcomer in the and need which guided the workings AA’s General Service Board (the those members would carry back to tale of the Texas Ranger, were now of the Advisory Council’s group con- other being the AAGV). Also at the their home groups the enthusiasm radiant and bright. The hard work of science. One member of the Advisory workshop was Mary R. from Boston, and commitment of ICYPAA, and the Florida planning committee was Council put it this way: “We prayed a Massachusetts, a delegate to the 1986 through their example might influ- now bearing its fruit. lot, and then prayed some more.” General Service Conference and ence other young people to partici- Emilio M., from Florida, was the Following the bidding session, Sat- delegate chairperson of that Confer- pate in the service structure of AA as banquet speaker, and finally with the urday afternoon brought two special ence, who provided a digest of high- a whole. The workshop closed on a tables cleared and the after-dinner powerful and sobering note with a coffee poured, the program moved t*

4 ‘ ” “What did I find? An impressive these young people is in harmony with ward its peak as Larry Y., chairman too – on the initials making up the demonstration of AA’s language of the attitudes of Dr. Bob and Bill W.” (since rotated) of the Advisory Coun- acronym “ICYPAA.” It came out the heart at its very best – more than Once again at the microphone, cil took the microphone. In a classic, “Ippy-Kaa.” With understanding, 2,400 exuberant, joy-filled young Larry Y. reached into his coat pocket almost slapstick snafu, Larry was in- yet firm guidance, the audience lov- people sharing in an extremely attrac- to extract yet another envelope, sigterrupted on the podium while a birth- ingly corrected the chairman. tive way how they carried the message naling that the 1987 site selection was day cake was presented to him and “ICKY-PAA! ICKY-PAA! to other young alcoholics. They about to be announced. The banquet the audience sang a rousing “Happy ICKY-PAA!” they chanted. worked hard and played hard, but hall exploded into a cacophony of Birthday. ” Somewhat baffled but Gordon caught the wave of proper always in the forefront was AA’s chants. unruffled, Lany graciously thanked pronunciation and joined in the primary purpose and careful adher- “SOBAH! SOBAH! SOBAH!” everyone for their support, while chant, beating time to the rhythm. “I ence to the Traditions. The confer- “California!” quietly noting that his birthday was in think I’ve got it,” he said with a ence was a masterpiece of planning “Tennessee! Tennessee! Tenfact in November, not May. With that smile. and organization.” nessee!” expression of the group’s right to be “I came, I saw, I was conquered,” While the contribution of the pro- “TULSA! ” wrong neatly out of the way, Larry he later wrote. “When I first heard ceeds from this ICYPAA was not a “ICYPAA! ICYPAA! ICYPAA!” called the two regional trustees to the the acronym ICYPAA in reference to “one-shot deal” (ICYPAA contrib- When the envelope was opened podium along with Gordon Patrick, young people in AA, I thought it was utes to GSO each year), Gordon and the final selection named, nearly the nonalcoholic chairman of the a new obscenity, dreamed up by those placed emphasis on this contribution a quarter of the audience rose to its General Service Board. crazy kids who drank too much and when it was seen in the context of AA feet as one in wild, unbounded ccle Offering tangible evidence that used drugs. I also heard old-timers in as a whole. Noting the shortfall of bration. ICYPAA is in fact part of AA, in AA imply that ICYPAA was a threat group contributions to GSO over the “SOBAH! SOBAH!” the slogan accordance with the Seventh Tradi- to AA unity from yet another special last few years, Gordon expressed his of the Boston bid committee rang tion Larry presented Gordon with a interest group. concern not so much over the dollars out, making clear once and for all check made out to the General Ser- “Fortunately the enthusiasm of and cents of the situation, but rather just what a regional accent will do. vice Office for $7,300.00. regional trustees Natalie S. and over the disturbing implication that Quite sober, “SOBAH” will be the Visibly moved, in accepting this Wayne P. persuaded me to attend individual AA members seemed to be theme of the 30th ICYPAA. donation on behalf of the trustees of and to see for myself what the young taking the traditional principles Sunday morning, Joyce M. from Alcoholics Anonymous, Gordon of self-support for granted. The Florida capped off the conference tripped himself up – as many before ICYPAA check, then, was exciting with a moving qualification, in which him have, and many after him will evidence of the active and vital role she related the characteristic state young people were willing to take in ment she made to members of her helping GSO to carry the message of home group, early in sobriety, when Alcoholics Anonymous worldwide. it was suggested that she get involved With a final thought, Gordon con- in service, perhaps even making the cluded his reflections on the 29th coffee: “Who do I look like? Mrs. ICYPAA: “Our higher power has Olsen?” Needless to say she became done it again! Those beautiful young the group’s coffeemaker. people, most of whom have used When the final meeting of the condrugs, have no problem keeping the ference came to a close, in a swaying focus on recovery from alcoholism at chain of linked arms, the conference all times. As I see it, the attitude of joined together in a rendition of

“Amazing Grace.” “Right now I am still 31,000 feet in deserted airport.” the airon my way back to Chicago,” And finally, talking about-some wrote Debbie S. “But there is no backfired plans that landed his greater natural high than to hear sev- brother at the conference, Fred W. of eral thousand young people say the Cincinnati, Ohio captured what may Lord’s Prayer together followed by be the essence of ICYPAA. the singing of ‘Amazing Grace.’ I feel “I met my brother in Key West to as if I’ve experienced another spiri- go diving on Saturday. We couldn’t tual awakening, and for that 1 am make the dive, so I brought him up to truly grateful.” the conference. He’s not in AA and And yet, even the long trip home doesn’t qualify for the Fellowship, so afforded some the opportunity to this was a totally new and unique continue carrying the message, as Jo experience for him. It blew him away. Ann B. of Columbia, Tennessee Whenever I introduced him to somenoted. one they first of all asked him if this “Ou~planewas unable to take off was his first conference and then they on schedule, due to bad weather in gave him a big AA hug. At first he Atlanta, and when we fmally did was embarrassed, but as time went on arrive there were no more connecting he could see and feel the closeness of flights to Nashville. But my friend the fellowship and I know he underand I met two other young people stands. When I dropped him off at who were also stranded for the night. the airport on Sunday, we hugged for One of them asked us where we had the first time in our lives. Two men, been. After a slight hesitation, we and brothers to boot.” told them about ICYPAA. About two in the morning one of them pulled me off to the side and asked Note: The editors sincerely thank the me a lot of questions about AA. So Florida planning committeefor their we had an all-night meeting in the help.

January 1987

About ‘relalonshlps’ . . . Three years later, I admitted, ac- From Carlsbad, Calif.: cepted, and made a commitment to Over- the past ten years, 1 have myself and AA that I was an alcoheard the subject of relationships holic and that no excuse was valid to discussed many times. My personal drink alcohol again. It was already opinion is that a relationship is not a too late for my wife; she died fortycommitment, and thus will usually eight days after 1 became sober. Her lead to great emotional pain. death gave me an excuse to drink, but When 1 made my trial run at AA in my commitment was firm. I no longer 1973.1 established a relationship with had a relationship with AA; I was the Fellowship. 1 resolved to give it a practicing the principles in all try, but if something better came my affairs. along, I would change horses. Every I remember the words of my first move I made was tentative, until a sponsor, who said, “How come those better thing came along. I attended that want to have relationships never one meeting a week, bought the Big seem to want to become relations?” Book, made coffee, and always voiced The answer is fairly obvious to me ‘

my opinions at the meeting. I never now. Relationships are for those who , did read the Big Book, and I have no don’t want to accept responsibility i idea of what I said at those meetings. and really share themselves with an- Then the relationship ended! I other person. There is an easy out came home from work one Friday just leave. Commitments are solid after six or eight months of dryness and become more so with time. and found my then wife drunk. My You might just want to take a excuse to break up with AA was moment and reflect on you at this weaving in front of me, and I quickly very moment. Do you have a relatook advantage of that excuse. I tionship, or a commitment to AA and rushed to the nearest liquor store, to others in your life? C. R. bought a bottle, and was drunk within the hour. I fixed her, by golly!

May 1987

right? 1 mean, what about people seeing each other on a regular basis who are married when they come into with no strings attached. We decided AA. Do they divorce their spouses to give it a try. for a year? Just because I happen to Things went very well for about a be single, does that preclude me from month. I felt wonderful! I had a lady the enjoyment of the opposite sex? I in my life who I really liked and r e mean, I’m ready to be happy, joyous, spected, and I was staying sober! and free! Happy, joyous, and free was here at After discussing my plan with my last, right. . .? Wrong! In retrospect, sponsor, and assuring him I wasn’t no one was to blame for the eventual looking for anything heavy o r deep in break up. I guess we set ourselves up a relationship, just some regular with unrealistic expectations of each steady companionship and good com- other. She felt we should spend more pany, he responded in his standard time together, and I wanted my fashion, “I can’t, nor would I if I space. We seemed to disagree and could, tell you what to do. I can only argue more and more often about suggest.” He proceeded to suggest seemingly insignificant things. Rewhat I thought he would: “The sentments became reality and my AA advice is, no major decisions or rela- program began to suffer. I didn’t tionships in the first year.” I remind- pick up a drink; however, the thought

so, ed him that when I had admitted that of doing so entered my mind on sev- I was powerless over alcohol and that eral occasions. My options were my life had become unmanageable, clear: continue the relationship and 1didn’t realize that also meant taking try to deal with our problems, or conkbulV£tnta Relationship? a vow of chastity and preparing for a monastic existence for the first 365 days. centrate those energies on staying sober and working my program. I chose the latter with some regret. I

I had been in the program about two months and was starting to feel a little better physically, but that ness, hello togetherness. My brilliance sometimes amazes me! Why hadn’t I thought of this before? No He wisely reminded me that I had just two months of sobriety (it felt like two years), and that he could not really wanted this relationship, but I wanted it on my terms and that doesn’t work. awful void and the loneliness I felt more liquor-laced lines in singles bars remember reading anything any- My lesson was well learned. Luckwhen I was drinking was still rearing for me. No more hungover mornings. where that proclaimed you were s u p ily, the lady was understanding. I see its ugly head. Somewhere in the re- This would be a sober relationship posed to start feeling happy, joyous, her now and again at meetings, and cesses of my mind, the thought supported and blessed by my AA pro- and free in sixty days. 1 thanked him we have remained friends. I guess we occurred that a relationship with a gram. Besides, it was time I started for his opinion and set out to prove were just in different places. By the lady in the program could possibly fill feeling happy, joyous, and free, like him wrong. way, 1 invited my sponsor over for that void and lessen my incredible the others I had heard speak. 1 was attracted to a particular lady lunch after the break up. He enjoyed loneliness. What could be more per- I had heard about the warnings and in my home group who had just com- a bowl of my homemade chili while I fect? Two people enjoying each advice given to newcomers: no major pleted a year of sobriety. We often ate my own words. other’s company and sharing their decisions or relationships for the first went out for coffee after the meetings For the next four months, I kept a newfound sobriety. Goodbye loneli- year. There must be some ~xceptions, and had discussed the possibility of low profile socially. I made my meet-

ings and called my sponsor on a regu- transition to sobriety was, at the very lar basis. I started getting involved. I least, difficult, and certainly did not chaired and led several meetings and need the added complication of tryvolunteered to make coffee, to set up, ing to cope with stress in a relationand to clean up. 1 began to get over ship at that particular time. the loneliness that had returned after Is the prospect of a relationship in the break up.. sobriety realistic for me? Certainly it 1 had finally admitted to myself is. But only through fourteen months that 1 was wrong to try and have a re- of sobriety have I been able to relationship so soon after joining AA. I evaluate my concept of what I want in mean, two months really wasn’t long such a relationship. I’ve come to reenough. My feelings at the time were alize that a relationship, at the very of anger, I guess. Here I was, least, is a give and take situation for attempting to change my old way of both participants. Now, I was aware living, and trying to do everything of this intellectually while 1 was that was suggested. I just wanted drinking, but not emotionally. I someone to commiserate with. I always wanted things to go “my wanted sympathy as well as com- way!” If they didn’t, I pouted, got panionship. angry, or exhibited some other imma- At the time it was difficult for me ture behavior. to understand the reasoning behind A relationship represents a spirithe suggestion that there should be no tual and emotional bond between two relationships or major decisions in individuals. It must show genuinethe first year. All I knew was that here ness of caring, and a sharing of your I was, undergoing major changes in experience, strength, and hope with my life, changing my socializing and each other, as well as being supmy friends, as well as trying to adapt portive in times of need. to a new way of living, and I was In order to give all that I can to a miserable. relationship, I must “have my house Having given time time, I now un- in order.” The aforementioned rederstand the concept behind the sug- evaluation would not have been gestion. Relationships often lead to possible had I continued to seek a emotional trauma, anger, and resent- relationship within my first year. I ments. All of these are danger sig- reluctantly took the advice that was nals! These are luxuries I couldn’t given, concentrated on my program afford – then or now! 1 needed every and turned the rest over. ounce of sanity and all the energy I Hopefully, when the opportunity could muster to deal with life on life’s for an honest relationship presents itterms. 1 found that seemingly insig- self, my house will be in order and I’ll nificant problems were magnified be ready. and blown out of proportion. My R. B.. Greenacres, Flu.

July 1987

floor and wandered my way. Without tears began to flow. any prompting on my part, she began Fortunately I had heard enough in to pour her heart out. At least she meetings to know how useless it was tried; since she was extremely intoxi- to try and talk any great amount of cated, her words were slurred and full sense to her. She needed someone to of emotion. Of course, having been listen. I also remembered my stubin her shoes many times, 1 could born nature when I was drunk, and understand every word. My heart knew this was no time to remind her went out to her. of AA principles. 1did tell Jenny how I had met Jenny a month or so much of myself 1 saw in her. She surearlier and had quickly established a prised me by agreeing that she saw special place for her in my heart. You herself in me. She asked me why 1was see, she’s a spitting image of me. 1 sober and she was not. Then, withdon’r mean that she resembles me out waiting for an answer, she dephysically. I mean that her behavior scribed how her life had been when is just like my behavior when I was she wasn’t drinking. drinking. The very first lime she came She said AA meetings had depressed bouncing up on campus, empty grin her (“nothing but sixty-five-yearon her face, cigarette in her hand, and old men who had lost everything”). bragging of her latest drinking esca- AA meetings used to depress me pades, I knew I was looking in a mir- too, until my sponsor pointed out ror. Try as she could, Jenny could not that I had not lost anything, yet. hide the loneliness and despair in her She shared with me how it made her ‘ eyes. I couldn’t help but think back angry when everyone continually told on my boisterous, self-centered at- her how “proud they were” when tempts at covering my own pain, not she wasn’t drinking. In early sobriety too long ago. I hated such comments too. I may So I got Jenny- a -glass of water and have been a little foaav. but I knew

A t a recent noon meeting on gratitude, I felt compelled to share my New Year’s Eve experiences. The its of some of my fellow celebrators. One friend in particular 1’11 call “Jenny.” Jenny is my age (early we went outside for some chilly night air. I was holding her up as we made our way. Everyone watched and if people were taking& time to notice I was sober, then they must have also noticed that I had a problem last nigh1 of 1986 gave me enough twenties). At one point she had stayed laughed. It struck me how often I’d with alcohol. No one bothers to comgratitude to last, hopefully, a lifetime. sober for a year and a half. She chose been helped out of public places in ment when “normal” people aren’t After attending our local New not to change her playmates and the same way-amid stares and drinking. Year’s Alkathon, I chose to spend the playgrounds, however, and soon laughter. Jenny got out a cigarette Jenny swore she could not imagine remainder of the evening with returned to the bars. As often hap- and dropped it. She leaned over to life without drinking. She expressed “earth” people. The evening went pens, she rationalized her decision to pick it up and almost fell on her face. disbelief that she still had friends. She smoothly enough, up until the stroke drink by concluding that she had only She couldn’t make the lighter reach hated the sight of her own reflection of midnight. As the last chorus of been depressed, not alcoholic. the cigarette so I helped her. (At least in the mirror. Finally, she cursed her “Auld Lang Syne” died down, de- Around 12: 15 on the night in ques- she didn’t light the wrong end.) I disease and demanded to know why pression and guilt dampened the spir- tion Jenny stumbled off the dance leaned Jenny against a car and her she was different.

I stood next to her and calmly lis- Finally I regained some serenity, tened. My mind was racing. 1 wanted safe in the front seat of Debbie’s car. to shake some sense into her. I want- As I sat there, fightingoff a headache ed to hug her and make it all okay. and waiting for everyone to be found, Most of all, I was thanking my Higher all I could do was repeat to myself, Power over and over again for show- “Thank you God, thank you God.” ing me myself in this other young Eventually Debbie got everyone woman. back lo the car. Jenny was filled with We went back inside and the saga guilt. She kept apologizing and swearcontinued. She picked a fight with a ing this would be her last drink ever. friend and then with a policeman. After one stop to let yet another pas- The clincher came when she needed senger gracefully vomit out the back to use the restroom. The policeman door, we were able to head t’oi home. wouldn’t let her out of his sight. Fi- Jenny asked me to take her to an AA nally he agreed to let me escort her meeting when she returned for spring straight to the toilet and straight semester. I told her all she had to do back. Imagine me, an ex-drunk was pick up the phone and I’d be who’s had more than my fair share of more than happy to. I told her she run-ins with cops, being trusted by a will always have a special place in my man in blue! Once inside the rest- heart. With that the back seat got room, Jenny’s tears began to flow quiet as its occupants drifted off. again and I thought 1 d never get her So that’s how 1987 got started for back in the lobby. me. It truly was a wonderful experi- By this time 1 was worn out so 1 ence. Most importantly, by the grace turned Jenny over to her best friend, of God, I stayed sober. I was also another source of gratitude for me given I he opportunity to see myself as that night. “Debbie” is one of those I used to be, as if 1 were watching a dry l~alcoholics”who’s never picked movie. Hopefully 1 set a good examup a drink but has all our symptoms. ple. After all, I may be “the only Big She immediately entered “control” Book some people ever read.” gear and went into action. This meant I am also grateful I no longer feel trying to fix Jenny and anyone else compelled to solve the world’s probwho happened to come within five lems, especially that night. AA has feet of her. As I watched her round taught me I cannot successfully manup all ten of our friends and herd age my own life, much less anyone them to the car, I was again reminded else’s. of my old behavior. Oh, how I used As I write this, I remember New to revel in any situation in which I Year’s Eve like it was yesterday. To could fix any person, place, or thing. insure a lifelong attitude of gratitude, Trying to control had been my only 1 hope 1 never forget it. source of self-worth. L. B., Charlofte, N.C.

July 1987

I just didn’t feel that I was old enough Young people to be an alcoholic. Then, a friend in- From Baltimore, Md.: troduced me to what is now my home I just finished reading the letter group. A group of “crazy” young from J. F. in the December 1986 people who were my age or younger. Grapevine regarding “special inter- These were people who understood I est” groups. I am twenty-three years me, had been where I had been and old and belong to what some would most importantly they were people I call a “special interest” group, a could not manipulate. I owe my life to young people’s group. this special group of people who could I was introduced to AA in 1981 love me until I could love myself. through the Maryland court system, For me a young people’s group is but did not get sober until 1984. Prior important for the newcomer who to this time I attended all types of feels that he or she is too young to be meetings. At most of these meetings an alcoholic. In the almost three years the average age was somewhere that I have been an active member of around forty or fifty. In light of that, my group, though, I have never seen anyone denied admission to one of our meetings because of being too old. The only thing that someone older than thirty-five cannot d o in our group is hold a position (i.e. coffee maker, secretary, chairperson, etc.). We have had speakers ranging in age from sixteen to seventy-six. And just like any AA group, “the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.” M. R.

March 1988

The Gift of Need junket to Memphis and the International Conference of Young People in AA where we put in a bid to have the conference held in Springfield. Houston beat us by one vote. What a heart breaker! We had raised $3,000 from area AAs to make the trip and had wisely included a few old-time area service people, both for guidance with AA Traditions and to help fend off flack from less progressive old-timers who felt this bunch of young upstarts needing curbing. “What do we need young people’s groups for?” we heard. “We don’t need all this talk about drugs.” But other old-timers were with us. In that first year, the young people’s meeting was packed with rank and file AAs from the whole Springfield area week after week. There was really only one yowig person at the time. She was twenty-one years old. Because of the loyal support of regular AA members, that group not only

S ometime early in 1970 after slip- lasted but grew. And other young peoping around for a year and a half, ple’s groups came out of it. Young I got a few people together and started people began not only to come into what I later learned was the first AA, but to stay. Dances started up young people’s group in western and conferences for young people in Massachusetts. I was so newly sober AA became routine. Today you can’t that I was ineligible to speak, but I go to a regular AA meeting without was asked if I wanted to helpclean up seeing young people. Recently in this after. I remember feeling grateful at area we are seeing a startling influx of Being included. After eighteen teenagers who are regular members monrhs in and out of sobriety, I had and very serious about sobriety. acquired a “loser’s” aura that was In the beginning 1 spent a lot of hard to shake. time carrying the message. As the The first few years were a whirl- group’s “founder” I got old very fast wind of activity. Conferences, service – at least in my head. I was there meeting, commitments – even a jet “for them,” but I could not let them

be there for me. It was always easier out to the balcony to be alone. But for me to give than to receive. After Millie found me. I was eating a sandthree years of ministering to the needs wich and she wanted to know what of the group, I was hounded by a few was the matter. That night I let my newer members and almost dragged secret out to Millie just as the marine to my first young people’s confer- had done to the whole room. I was ence. One of these newer people, Mil- crying and chewing a sandwich and lie, had been one of the ones who trying to talk and I wanted to push stayed with this “loser” long enough her away. for him to start being a “winner.” This wasn’t the way it was s u p She not only got me to go to the con- posed to be. I was the one who was ference, but she arranged for me to be supposed to help. But Millie’s reone of the keynote speakers, much to sponse is something I will never formy surprise (and delight). I felt that a get. She said, “We know all about little recognition was in order after all your problems. That’s why we want- 1 had done for young people in AA. ed you to come to one of these con- But guess what! At the big meeting ferences. So you could see and meet on Saturday night the guest speaker, others like yourself. You’ve spent all a marine, got up and shared things 1 this time helping others. Now it’s had never heard at an AA meeting. time to start helping yourself.” Personal things that were in my Fifth So the group had something in Step. The Fifth Step I had not taken mind for me which was far .better because I was afraid of being rejected than anything I was capable of havby the group, the same group that I ing in mind for myself: the gift of felt owed me so much. Talk about need – and the need to receive as well confused! But I was so overcome by as to give. what that speaker had said that I went J. N.,W. Springfield, Mars.

September 1988

had brought a lot of joy and love to until tomorrow, taking for granted our family, and I grieved for my sister that tomorrow would always be and brother-in-law and the pain that there. they had to bear. My experience has taught me that One Day at a Time But death can teach us so much if we may not have tomorrow. Today, we let it. Before little Justin died, if I want tcc see a sunrise, walk on the “One day at a time” was one of those beach, or just tell someone that I love slogans 1 could never understand. I them, I do it. Each moment is precious have been a member of Alcoholics never that bad, so I can’t be an alco- had always thought it was only for and I want to experience it in all its Anonymous for almost five years holic.” I was comparing experiences those new members who had to strug- glory. Life is really just this moment, now. They have been both joyous and instead of relating to the feelings AA gle through the early days of physical too filled with wonder to waste it on painful years, though always excit- people shared. cravings. 1.neverthought it applied to regrets of the past, or wish for all the ing, and I wouldn’t have wanted it It was not until I had completed me. It took a personal tragedy to things of the future. any other way. The sum total of my, Steps Four and Five that 1 could see make me realize that this simple slo- Each day is God’s gift to us; we can experience has biought me to who I myself as I really was, an alcoholic. I t gan can be used by everyone. reject it or wecan thank him by showam today. was a tremendous relief to finally Before joining AA, 1 was always ing how much we appreciate it. I am The first two years of my sobriety know where I belonged. At last I living in the past, either regretting never promised a tomorrow; all any were not easy; I fought everything. If could stop fighting that inner battle. something I’d done, or reliving old of us have is today. Every day I try to 1 was told that something was black, For the first time in my life, 1 felt free resentments. After joining AA, I repay in some way all that has been I’d knock myself out trying to prove to grow. would look to the future, wishing for given so freely to me. A smile or a it was white. I also fought a much I started to try things that other things I couldn’t have or dreaming of touch is often all that’s needed to more self-destructive inner battle. members had suggested all along, the way things would be. Although I brighten someone’s day. We in Alco- “I’m too young to be an alcoholic” things like getting a sponsor and had often heard the day-at-a-time slo- holics Anonymous have the power was always my cry. making the Steps a part of my life. gan at meetings, it never occurred to and the choice to live each day to its I had been dragged to my first AA And it worked. I was learning how to me to just take each day and live it to fullest – simply by learning to live meeting by my then employer, who be a human being again. the fullest. one day at a time. recognized long before I did the prob- But after a while I became so con- I was constantly putting things off P C., Dartmouth, Nova Scotia lems drinking was causing me. I was tent with my new way of life that I scared and shaking at that first meet- slipped into complacency. I had deing and, although I admired their hon- cided I was doing so well that I deesty, I certainly didn’t think for one served a rest. I stopped working the minute that I was an alcoholic. After Steps and I lost the conscious contact all, I was only eighteen years old. with my Higher Power that I had I am what is known in AA as a worked so hard to achieve. 1 no “high bottom” drunk. Mainly what I longer had that “on fire” attitude lost through drinking was my self-re- about the program. I knew there was spect and dignity. But every time I something missing in my life, but I heard someone at an AA meeting talk couldn’t seem to grasp what it was. about having their licenses taken Then tragedy struck. My twin sisaway, or going to jail, or losing every- ter’s baby died very suddenly. For the thing, I would say to myself: “I was short time he was here, baby Justin

October 1989

First A bout fourteen months ago, I got so;. I thought my sobriety was great. out of my seven-week treatment But my home life was not healthy. center. I thought life was great. I was My mom and I fought all the time. mom and 1were getting along good. I felt so strong. But in a way, I was not healthy. I had an obsession with my really let go. I’m seventeen years old and sixteen months sober. I got active in my sober and my mother and I actually She kicked me out of the house sev- ex-boyfriend. 1 called his house just group and went to a lot of meetings. I got along for the first time. I thought eral times. At thislime, my mom was to hear his voice. I followed him and spoke and shared of my feelings and my life was going to go the way 1 eleven months into the program. did really sick things. Things turned the pain. These are the things I need wanted it to. I was in a relationship Things got worse. I never talked around and got better for me. My to do to stay healthy and, most imwith someone who was using, and I about how I was feeling. I was hurt- sponsor helped me through a lot of portant, sober. got out of that as was suggested. I ing real bad, and I didn’t even know pain. I started to let go for the first 1 still miss my boyfriend very then got into a sober relationship be- it. He and I were both very posses- time. Just when I thought the pain much, but I must put myself first. I cause I thought that was okay. He sive. Things between us started fall- was getting easier to deal with, he cannot put anyone in front of me or I had one and a half years sobriety, and ing apart. came back into my life. We started will be a very sick person. I still think was such a power of example to me. He finally broke up with me and I talking and then started going out. I about him and what would be if we He told me how to do things, and I was hurting real bad. I felt I had no was nine months sober and thought I got back together again. But for todid them because I thought that was one. 1had given up all my old friends could handle it. In one week I saw my day, we are not together and that is right. And this is how it went for six and I had never met any people on my obsessiveness kick in. He had okay. Even if we do not ever get back, months. own. I had a choice: go back out or changed a lot in four. months, I 1 can accept that. I have myself and I never knew other people besides start to help myself. I decided to help thought. I wanted what we used to my sobriety. My Higher Power was his friends. We w k e always together. myself. With the few people I did have. All I wanted to do was to be with me through all this pain; even at I went to his meetings. I never joined meet on my own, I started to open with him. One week later, he broke times when I doubted his will for me. a group or got active. I did not go to up. I joined a group and got active. I up with me again. I hurt more now I am grateful for him, my sponsor, any discussion or Step meetings. He went on commitments, spoke for the than ever. I felt I was back where we and the friends I made through this told me to get a sponsor and I did. I first time, and went to discussion and had started, but the one thing I did program. . never used her. I used him as a spon- Step meetings. I got a sponsor. My have was the knowledge of how to Amanda B., U.S.A.

october1989 very vein and artery pulsated asif itwould explode at any given moment.Everymuscle in my body ached as if it would shred apart any 3econd.Every organ inmy body cried that thiswas surelytheend.Every nerve endingfeltasif it were exposed to extreme conditions. I remember like it was yesterday.It was actually over fiveyears agoas 1 shared,for thefirst time,anhonest TUNNEL account ofmy drinking andmyearly binges of sobriety. At the age of sixteen,I found my- VISION selfafull-blownalcoholic.Not knowing anywhere else to go,1 turnedtoAA. After many unsuccessful attempts at trying towork theprogram without actuallyworkingit,Ifinally surrendered.i gave my lifeandmy will over to aHigherPower. Upon thisenlightenment,Irealized thatmyHigherPowerwas doingfor me what I was unable to do for myself. As I sit here, many years later, many situationslater,Irealizegt out of thisprogramexactly whatIput into it. Sharingmyfelingspes,deams, and fearswith other AAs is amost abstract concept.But it really works! There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it’s not anoncoming freight train.MyHigher Power has a planforme,andIwon’tunderstand it until I get there. Until then,I believe that you be lieve. Keep the faith. Lysa S.,Everett,Mass.

October 1989

Although I was made to feel wel- sire to stay sober, I joined the group come by most people in AA, it wasn’t of young people who were fighting long before I was greeted with that all for their place in AA. too familiar line, “It’s good to see As I look back now, I don’t know you young people here before you how we made it. I often think that had to hurt.” After a few more re- God worked through our character marks like that from some of our defects of resentment and defiance to “over forty” members, I began to give us the determination we needed feel that maybe I didn’t really belong to fight for our right to stay. Once in AA, maybe I hadn’t hurt enough. when an old-timer told one of our In 1%9 there simply was not the members, “Honey, I spilled more knowledge or the awareness of our than you drank” she told him, disease that there is today. The typical “Yeah, well I never spilled any.” alcoholic had drunk for many years. As if we didn’t have enough p r o b It’s possible that the old-timers who lems being young alcoholics, many of thought we were too young were just us also had drug problems which passing on what they knew. After all, posed an even greater threat to the when they had come to the program old-timers. They simply did not want they were told that if they still had a to hear about it and would not let us wristwatch they weren’t ready yet. talk about drugs. They insisted we at- Past experience had shown that un- tend other groups like Narcotics less one had lost absolutely every- Anonymous, which we did, but those thing in life he would not be ready to groups seemed to be based more on – – grasp the AA program. Others who bragging about the drug abuse than on

El ike many other AA members, I feel thtit my life truly began the day I came to the program. That day way out of my alcoholism. Although I was familiar with AA and had been to meetings, I was unwere envious that we had gotten to the program at such a young age believed that we had been spared years the genuine humility which at the time could only be found in AA. With these issues at hand, we had no choice came for me on March 7, 1969. Prior able to identim myself as an alco- of suffering. Yet our stories were hor- but to learn to use the principles of to that day my life seemed hopeless. I holic. Had I not met another young rendous. Just because we looked the program. Tradition Three stated felt desperately alone and afraid. My person who was sober, I might never young didn’t mean we hadn’t suf- that the only requirement for memtrips to jails and hospitals weren’t the have gotten sober. This woman, who fered. True, most of us had not lost bership was a desire to stop drinking. worst things that ever happened to was to become my first sponsor, was careers or families simply because we We also found a paragraph in the Big me. Losing complete control over my also my next door neighbor and she weren’t old enough to have had them. Book from chapter three (page 33, own life, never knowing where I was a wonderful attraction of the We also hadn’t acquired drunk driv- third editon) which mentioned young would end up next, what I might do program. She seemed genuinely ing offenses or served a lot of time in people and said, “to be gravely or what would happen to me led me happy and she really cared about me. jail because as juveniles we were affected, one does not necessarily to the pitiful and incomprehensible Although she knew I was an alco- treated differently by the legal sys- have to drink a long time nor take the demoralization our book describes. I holic, she never tried to force the pro- tem. Some of us had never had a legal quantities some of us have,” which feared death and insanity. I was eigh- gram on me. So when I hit my bottom drink, but all of us had reached our we incorporated into our format. We teen years old. I had no idea that I I called her for help and she took me bottoms and we needed help. So, learned the Big Book and practiced I ‘ was an alcoholic or that there was any to a “young people’s meeting.” faced with a desperate need and a de- the principles. We lived them – we

+ ‘”t

– had to for one never knew when an the progression of the disease and it sponsible for their recovery but it is also important for them to remember It is very different to be a sober member of AA when you are young. old-timer would verbally attack, and does not mean they do not hurt or are quoting a line from the book would not ready. Even though there have that they are still adolescents and If you doubt this, think back to when stop him dead in his tracks. We been so many positive changes since 1 need to allow themselves to be. When .you were sixteen and try t o imagine quickly learned that no one would ar- got sober in 1%9, I still encounter we confuse spirituality with being yourself working the Steps in your gue with the Traditions or the Book. young people who have what I call good or grown up, it causes a jot of . life then as you do today. Couple this We went on Twelfth Step calls early in the “young person’s problem.” They problems. It’s important for the with other people telling you that you our sobriety. We carried the message are constantly apologizing for their young person to know that it’s still are too young to be an alcoholic and into institutions and we brought sick age and trying desperately to prove possible to have fun and do the things you can see how hard it is. alcoholics into our homes. With our young people do and stay sober. A young person may in fact have that they belong. Having gone been spared years of drinking and loud clothes, loud music, and long through this experience myself, I Last, as 1have grown older, I have hair we may have had different inter- would like to pass on some of my realized that there is some ability to misery and so much the better if that ests and values but we proved that as thoughts in hopes that someone may cope with life and its challenges that is true. But she may just as easily have alcoholics we were the same. And be- benefit from it. comes only with life experience. This lost her life, no one can say for sure. I cause of the principles and Traditions First, I think that to be faced with a is practically absent in the young do know that no young person ever we shared one common goal: to stay life-threatening illness as a young per- person because he has so little to draw needs to hear that she has gotten to sober and carry the message, and that son creates an unusual crisis because from. So it is sometimes difficult for the program before she had to hurt, we did. this is a time when life should be mov- him to separate his program prob- because she has hurt plenty. She As the first year passed and we ing forward (from childhood to adult- lems from just the problems of grow- needs to hear what every newcomer stayed sober, the old-timers slowly hood), not ending. Unlike other dis- ing up. A lot of the problems 1 had does who comes into the program: began to accept us. And though they eases which can be detected with were the same problems every eigh- “Welcome. This is AA, where the would hardly admit it, we had added medical tests, we alcoholics must de- teen year old had and had very little only requirement for membership is a a new dimension to their sobriety, for cide for ourselves that we have a dis- to do with my alcoholism or with my desire to stop drinking.” we had taught them about humility, AA program. Robin I?, Lm Angeles, Cali/. ease. No one can decide for us and tolerance and love. Many of them surely no one has the right to tell us had children of their own dying from we are alcoholics or not. That is why the disease and often asked for our I think it is so important for young ‘ help. Eventually we began to work people to learn the facts. That they side by side and I learned that this is can be alcoholics even at a young what AA is all about. age and that t h y can recover. Taking As time passed, we began to branch the “20 questions” and/or being out and start other meetings. Today around other young people who are there are a lot more young people in recovering are some of the best ways 1 AA and more young people’s meet- know to find out if you are an alcoings. We also have people coming holic or not. into the program from hospital pro- Second, in order to recover in AA, grams and through intervention. No young people are asked to practice longer do you have to lose everything self-honesty when they have no idea (36 hen I might as well be drunk!” example: “I did not come to AA to before you are ready for the pro- who they are yet and to be responsible A shocking statement? Yes, stay miserable and unhappy. If I’m gram. This proves that alcoholics can when they don’t yet know how. It is but one that I have heard repeatedly not going to enjoy life now that I’m begin recovery at an earlier stage in necessary for young people to be re- at meetings, which concerns me. For sober then I might as well be dm&.”

. Or, “I did not get sober to continue ed years at a stretch. Miserable? Un- needed it sooner than I thought. I I continued to d o what I had been wallowing in self-pity or else I might happy? certainly, but was drinking spent eighteen months in this pro- told to do: go to meetings, ask for as well be drinking.” an option? No! The goading desire to gram struggling to hang onto my old help in the morning, say thank you at A careless statement? Perhaps, and drink clung to Dr. Bob for a long ideas. I was miserable and unhappy. I night, read the Big Book, call my one that is certainly risky. Granted, time. Miserable? Undoubtedly, but accept the responsibility of choosing sponsor, take the Steps, and most imbeing dry and living sober are on did he drink? No! to make it difficult on myself. Today, portantly, I did not pick up that first opposite ends of the spectrum and on I can think of a number of old-tim- I believe that I do not struggle to stay drink. As a result, I finally surrenthe surface, such a comment can ers who have experienced the un- sober and I do not struggle with this dered and am now enjoying the beausound quite healthy, meaning: “Snap happy, miserable side of life: loss of program because they are gifts and I tiful gift of sobriety. out of it!” or “Happiness is a loved ones, financial collapse, broken don’t struggle to receive a gift. To- So if you are miserable or unhappy. choice!” or “Quit acting like a marriages. But was their sobriety on day, if I am struggling, it is to hang today, don’t give up twenty-fow drunk!” or “Misery is optional!” conditional terms? No! onto my old ideas and of course. . . hours too soon. Nothing is so bad But that meaning is far too often mis- To say that once we are sober, we the results are nil. that picking up a drink will make it , understood, especially by newcomers will never again experience misery My point is that during those eigh- better. I would rather be miserable to the program. and unhappiness is ludicrous. There teen months 1never got arrested for a with the hope of changing tomorrow When I was newly sober, an old- are times when things crash down DWI. I never suffered DTs, nor was I with God’s help, than to die drunk timdr pointed this subtle attitude out around our ears and misery, unhap- institutionalized to a detox. I was today. to me. He protested it with such vehe- piness, and even self-pity are our un- never sent to jail for a crime I commit- Finally, be careful what you say at ment conviction, that although I did wanted but constant companions and ted in a blackout. And my liver never meetings. Newcomers are Listening. not understand its significance at the all we’ve got that day is our sobriety. exploded from alcohol poisoning. Lisa A .,Jamesto wn, N. X , time, I have frequently thought about This program has never guaranteed what he said and have since listened us the special status of being for that comment and have heard it suspended above life arid all its hills often in meetings. and valleys, whether self-inflicted or What had at first seemed a trivia1 not. It has only promised us a way to issue, upon closer examination be- walk through life and its problems came clear to me. What I immedi- without having to pick up a drink. ately began to discover was that I After years of living a miserable never once heard an old-timer use this life full of self-Gty, obstinacy, anger, phrase and today, I believe, that is ex- fear and lack of trust, most of us do actly why they are old-timers-be- not shake these things off like so cause they have never put conditions much dust from our feet when we on their sobriety. arrive at AA. Often they hang on for I think we can all agree on one a long time after our last drink and, ponsorship – what a topic to story on sponsorship in the light of point, that a bad day does not neces- even after a period of relief, can come sitate picking up a drink. But what if back and haunt us at times. As one 9 lL grasp. It encompasses so many vital lessons in our program. But do sharing my experience, strength, and hope. My name is Brian, I am an althat bad day stretches on for weeks, member put it, “The best we’ll ever we use this tool to our maximum coholic at nineteen years of age. By months, or even years? Is drinking be is human.” benefit? This letter is sent to the the grace of God, the Fellowship of then an option? I will forever be grateful to that young people of Alcoholics Anony- AA, and a sponsor, I haven’t found it For instance: Bill W. went into old-timer who shared his feelings mous. Because I am a young person necessary to take a drink since Sepdeep depressions that sometimes last- with me on this subject because I myself, I would like to describe my tember 28, 1985.

started to work the Steps with his In order to open my eyes to the reworking the Steps and could guide me ality and importance of a sponsor m into-beingan adult while teaching me guidance. He would listen to my daily ‘? W U H ~ ° ~ tofind about this program. I couldn’t get pains and show me how to grow AA, I first had to do away with the this from my parents, so I had to look through the pain. The key to opening .young person’s syndrome of alcosmom who km to AA. It was my last resort. I kent the door to sponsorship was to aban- aolic uniqueness. abaut8’&w %p, who looking in the young people’s meetings for a while but everyone there r-

-don my thinking and carry out the instructions my sponsor gave me. Give the old-timers a chance! They have already “cooked the ham.” Just three months after I had met They know what adolescence is like, &wt WOTkiyg seemed to be looking for that same kind of person too! It was like some- Richard I had to move with my they’ve beemthrough it. Most impormother to Wichita, Kansas. So once tantly they can show us how to stay the Sms a d coud A one trying to tell you how to coot a ham, when they hadn’t ever done it. again I was faced with having to find sober through all of it. When I mrilemeintobeiwan ~h at kind of sponsor was too riskv a sponsor. The second time was much opened my eyes to these simple w -, simpler, though. I just thought about “truths” I saw that there are many ad& w h l w C w for me, so I started going to “regular*, AA . Richard and his qualities and experi- people just like these two men who ence with this program. It wasn’t easy have helped me along the journey of me about thzi By the grace o f God, someone grabbed me before I went off the to find someone as wonderful, but 1 sobriety. They are in meetings all soon came across a man named Teny. across the nation. We remain teachp g a m yy walls trying to find this sponsor you people told me I had to have. His He had eight years sobriety, was fifty able when we abandon our unique years old, loved to help young peo- ness, listen to our sponsors, and take name was Richard. He asked me if I ple, and knew all about me even action in our programs. During that time I have been would like to have some coffee with though 1 didn’t tell him! Brian E., Wichita,Kans. through some great and troublesome him. Our sponsor/sponsoree relaexperiences. But I wish someone had tionship began. told me the importance of sponsor- He would listen to me talk for ship from day one. Being young and hours at a time. My gigantic ego was full of energy I came into this pro- in full swing. I seemed to think at gram ready to start a new life, but I times he didn’t understand what I didn’t know where to begin. I was was talking about because he was so tired of the hell I was living in and AA much older than me. I thought that showed me some light at the end of only young people would be able to the tunnel. I knew I wanted what you understand my “unique” problems people had: the smiles, the happiness, of being young and trying to sober the trust, and the ability to live with- up. He told me I shouldn’t think so out taking a drink. It all seemed so much, I should go to ninety meetings confusing and far away. in ninety days, read the first 164 1 went to many young people’s pages of the Big Book, and under no meetings that first year looking for circumstances was I to take a drink of someone to show me this program in alcohol. I was so busy doing what he detail. Someone that had been told me to do that I didn’t have any through what I had been through. I more time to wonder if he really unwanted to find someone who knew derstood me. Slowly but surely the about growing up, who knew about program started working ip my life. I

V@UNB AGMANGE (7tjo many articles have appeared in the pace setters, just as our sponsors &) the Grapevine for and against our were. Criticism of others is not the younger generation and their chemi- way to handle these issues; in fact, it cals of choice that I wanted to write violates our principles. Why do we one taking a middle stand. feel young people and their choice of I am sober in AA for eighteen chemicals supersedes these prinyears. I say this not out of ego but to ciples? t was 1979 and I was seventeen ers for an hour. give a feeling for my place within our If we don’t like what we see, we as years old. Already I had been on I walked in and was stunned! You Fellowship. These eighteen years the “elder statesmen” have to voice the streets for six years. I had become welcomed me with warmth and love. have consisted of a constant commit- our opinions. If we don’t like how the very thing in life that I hated the I was handed a cup of coffee and ment to God, meetings, Twelfth Step our group is advancing, we have to go most, an alcoholic. Like mother, like shown a seat. You dedicated that first work, the Steps, the Traditions and back to basics and keep it the way it daughter? 1 was terrified because I meeting to me! You shared with me , carrying our principles into all my was when we got there. We have to didn’t understand how or even why it your experience, strength, and hope. affairs. In those eighteen years I have encourage open speakers meetings, happened. I was too young! You shared your real feelings with me also watched people come and go and commitments to outside groups, 1979 is when 1 attended my first that night. I found I could underfound that those who go are the ones Twelfth Step work, meetings over AA meeting. I already knew a lot of stand you and you understood me as who are not willing to take the next coffee after the meetings, reading you. After meetings you came into no one ever had before. step forward. from our literature, putting “cotton the coffee shop where I worked each After the meeting, there were heart- It is not always easy with eighteen in the mouth?’ picking up chairs and night. You smiled, you laughed, you felt hugs and handshakes. You even years sobriety to go into the rooms ashtrays, getting a sponsor, doing glowed. I resented you and feared asked me to “please come back.” I and hear our fellow members ex- Fourth and Fifth Steps, and on and you. You held happiness in your felt like I had finally found a place to pound on those subjects which they on until our young people settle hearts and 1 held emptiness. And you belong to, a home. I had finally find they need to expound on to avoid down, stop concentrating on what were all so much older than I, so what found hope for myself in you. the next step forward. This is where I drug they used and get serious. could we possibly offer each other? My sobriety back then was a real think many stand on the issue of Eighteen years ago 1 was thirty- How would you ever be able to un- struggle. I fought myself a lot, only to , drugs and young people. It is not up five-years old physically – mentally, derstand me? lose. I never could manage to stay to us to find fault but to teach; it is emotionally and spiritually I was fif- But a tragedy brought desperation sober and clean for more than nine not up to us to go “underground” teen. The only difference between me on and at the suggestion of one of months at a time. But I kept attendbut to stay above ground and set the and our now generation is I had a you who knew me quite well, I went ing meetings (even while abusing) and pace. Each one of us who entered husband and three children. God, I to a meeting. I was terrified of people you always were patient with me and these rooms had a need for direction wish I had gone to AA first! in general and didn’t know how I’d understanding. You always had time just as these young people do. We are Pat R., Lake Hojmtcong, N. J. ever survive in a room full of strang- for me.

I noticed, too, that it wasn’t just search for the answer not only to you, I wasn’t known and have been liter- gotten in the glory of your sobriety. me you treated this way. It was any but to myself. I needed to know why I ally ignored. I have seen others ig- When I say “you,” I mean not newcomer or old-timer who walked was an alcoholic and what that nored. You didn’t know if we were only the whole of AA, but the indithrough your doors. I wasn’t jealous, meant. And then one night my spon- new or not and you never bothered to ‘ vidual as well. We are a “whole Felfor I saw that there was enough of what you gave to encompass the unisor handed me a small white walletsized pamplet and said, “Read.” ask. Wonderful first impression. ‘lowship” and, Lord willing, we will 1 have seen sincere, shaking, strug-. remain so. The meetings and individverse. Seeing you made me want to Well I did, and the light bulb went off gling drunks ask legitimate questions uals who have lost their perspective give of myself. over my head and I found answers, and be told to either “shut up and lis- know damn well who “You” are. “All You were literally a dream come and a part of me found peace that ten, or leave.” They left. Can’t say as the false faces in the world cannot true for me. You ,didn’t care what night. I blame them. I pray they tried an- hide one sin& truth of the heart!” kind of clothes I wore. It didn’t mat- That was ten years ago. Things other meeting, somewhere else. You taught me that. ter that I smoked and swore dili- sure aren’t what they used to be! I’m The warm handshakes and smiles And yet I am eternally indebted and gently. Sometimcs I was the class different today. I finally got tired of have all but disappeared, and hugs grateful to you as a whole. You saved clown in meetings. You were always bouncing on my head and through are reserved for the “select” few. me from myself. You loved me when patient, you accepted me as I was on your doors after six and a half years. First timers don’t receive’the welcome I couldn’t love myself and your gifts any given day. My questions were Well, some are sicker than others! I did ten years ago. Oh, I’ve heard of spirit touched me when no one else never termed as “stupid” and you And each day I thank my God for the rumors in the wind that there are still could. You aided me and my Ood in always tried to answer as best you sobriety I now tenderly hold, and groups who do that. But in all my the very restoration of my soul. Lord could. My tendency to be the “prodi- pray that I will continue togrow, one travels, I’ve not seen a one. willing, I’ll die trying to repay that gal child,” which you so fondly called day at a time. I have gone to meetings needing to debt. That is my commitment. me, never once brought about a sin- And you’re different too! I only feel the spirit of fellowship, and have Yes, you’ve changed, but I’m not gle, “I told you so” from anyone. wish I held your changes as tenderly. left feeling only empty air. I have giving up! I won’t conform to those You never condemned me, you only Oh yes, still the vast majority is the gone to meetings as a stranger and misguided and I’ll keep searching. embraced me in the spirit of the Fel- same, but some of you are not. needed to feel at home, only to leave There are still meeting rooms where lowship and said, “Let’s try again.” I’ve seen AA these last three and a feeling sad and alone because you the group conscience is all powerful I hated authority figures and rules. half years in different states and even bickered so among yourselves. and love abounds; where suffering is You only made suggestions and shared countries across the Atlantic. I’ve I have read over and over again of healed and all are truly welcome; yourselves with me. You never once seen the changes in the meetings and the inner conflicts in our Fellowship. where “self’ is left outside the door; ‘ stood in judgment of me or my read of them in the literature and in “Dual addicts not welcome! Poor where members share generously in actions. letters from pen pals around the people not welcome! Gays, smokers, the literal struggle for life and don’t There was no sense of God in my world. Some of you have forgotten and those who cuss, not welcome!” pit themselves against each other. life. We had abandoned each other at where you came from and why you Keep it simple, people. Why not These groups are the true definition the age of twelve. But I learned from were chosen. just put a sign up that says “noncon- of “home group.” you that it was I who had moved and I was afraid of the geographical formists, not welcome”? You know, Bill and Bob foresaw you showed me how to find him changes I had to make. My sponsor I am angry and hurt at what has all this. They knew that a power again – a God of my very own un- though, always assured me that “no happened to some of you! much greater than men or women derstanding that I could have a work- matter where I was in the world, Group conscience has taken a back ruled the destiny of AA as a whole. ing relationship with. when I walked into a meeting I would seat to your own self-will. Love, com- To date, they’ve been right. I only Your ways amazed me! I had no feel at home.” I believed her, but it passion, understanding, and patience pray that never may the many outidea of what made you work, or why wasn’t true. have been sold out to a false feeling of weigh the few. you were. So I began a desperate I have walked into meetings where superiority. Humility has been for- Dacey B., Spring Lake, N.C. *- .

me, I take it, because today sobriety for you – as in the Big Book and is not a suggestion, it is a must. other literature. The hard way is to do Pain is necessary for growth, but it your way, which probably won’t suffering is optional. There are two work and you’ll drink or drug again. roads to recovery, the easy way and If you’re new or coming back, keep’ the hard way. The easy way is to fol- coming. AA works if you work it low the Steps and take suggestions – one day at a time. do the program the way it is laid out Jason K., West Havervill, Mass.

M y name is Jason. I’m an alcoholic and a drug addict. My father is an alcoholic but was sober my house that night. 1asked him if he wanted to go to an Alateen meeting and he turned the tables on me by seven years when 1 was born. At the suggesting that we go to an AA meetage of five, I was sexually abused by ing instead. 1 went to that meeting an uncle of mine, which I’m just and on the way he said, “Just keep an starting to deal with now. Some of open mind and take the cotton out of the experiences I’ve had with alcohol your ears and put it in your mouth.” were not too pleasant. I picked up my So I listened and heard a few things I .. .I * , first drink at my grandmother’s 50th could identify with. I . I)

wedding anniversary when I was seven years old. I didn’t drink again for about two years, but when I picked I now have over a year of sobriety because of this program, the people in it, and my Higher Power. It was all II recently celebrated my fourth year of sobriety in the program and I realized something I had known for a believe my ears. No one had ever asked me to come back. These people were different. They accepted me as a up my second drink, I liked the effect done one day at a time. In sobriety long time. I realized that I was treated fellow alcoholic, not as a kid, so I so much that I started drinking daily. I’ve got a life second to none. I have a as an equal. You are probably asking, kept coming back. These people, who Then I started using dope. My first better relationship with my parents, “Well, why is that so important?” It were as old as my parents and some drug was marijuana. At the age of my brother and my sister, which is is important to me because I was six- of them as old as my grandparents, twelve, I was drinking daily, drugging nice. I have my whole life to look to teen years old when I came into the were now my true friends. I wanted daily, stealing, cheating, and lying now at fifteen years old as long as I go program and there were no young what they had. AA is the only prodaily because that’s what I had to do one day without one drink or drug. people in my group at the time. gram I know of where age, sex, race, to get my drinks and drugs. I was ar- Today people respect me and like me I had done all the things a typical etc. make no difference. We all have a rested four times between the ages of the way I am and not how I was. teen alcoholic could do. I felt that I common bond – alcoholism. 1 do a twelve and thirteen for breaking and In sobriety, not everything is qualified as an alcoholic. But I want lot of things outside of AA meetings entering, and two times for posses- peaches-and-cream, but it is better to recall my first AA meeting. It was with them, never considering the age sion of alcohol and drugs with intent than being drunk. When I came into upstairs in a church. I remember open- difference because these people are to distribute. I was suspended from this program, a lot of suggestions ing the door and seeing all these my new playmates. school three times for possession of were given to me which I didn’t take. adults! It looked like a room full of So if there are any young people . marijuana. In retrospect, I realize I probably ‘ Moms and Dads! And believe me, I who think they could not relate to old- A friend of mine got me to this pro- should have, because not taking them wanted to get away from my parents, er members of AA, think again! You gram. He had just gotten out of a made things hard on me in the long not be around new ones. can, and you will be a better person hospital that day and stayed over at run. Today if a suggestion is given to After the meeting these people because of it. asked me to come back. I could not Lynn H.,Alabama

March

floor, believing that all was well. The My drinking progressed. The noise music would begin (the louder the inside of my mind could not be better), and I would be into the short- drowned out by the loud music. The lived fantasy. My body would begin voices inside my brain were deafento move in a frenzy (the wilder the ing, and they would not stop. The better), and I would believe I was flashing lights began to startle and someone else, living someone else’s frighten my liquor-and-drug-sensitive life, possessing someone else’s mind eyes. I would now get up on the dance and body. My new, brief identity floor and my legs would twist and would be that of a famous Broadway buckle under me. Coming to for a actress, a Bob Fosse dancer, or a Pu- minute, I wouldn’t know where I litzer Prize-winning author. Multicoi- was. Saliva would be running down ored lights would begin to flash from the side of my mouth, and my clothes above, the brighter the better. When would be wrinkled. I would look into the transformation in my mind was the mirror and see the grief-stricken complete, I would no longer be the girl. She no longer sat at the table girl who was flunking out of school, waiting for me to return. She was who was out of work, who threw up now on the dance floor with me. She and blacked out, who hadn’t called wouldn’t dance. She would just stare her family for over a month. back at me with a blank hopeless- I left that girl back at the table. She ness that frightened me. I would had no desire to dance. She didn’t try, feebly and in vain, to make her want to join the fun. She sat alone dance, or to dance her out of my semiwith her sadness. Every now and consciousness. But every time I looked then, I would catch a glimpse of back at the mirror, she was there. myself in the mirrors, and I was When all of this became too much impressed. In all my grandiosity and to bear, I would sniff the poppers self-centeredness, I would believe being passed around on the dance that the mirrors were reflecting a floor, or run to the table for a drink, wonderful creature. Every man in the or grab hold of the stranger dancing room had just fallen in love with her. with me. Anything to make the sad When the music stopped, I would girl go away. But she wouldn’t dance make a mad dash back to the table. I and she wouldn’t go away. The music always left the dance floor with my had gone out of her life. The joy of head down. I was afraid to look up escape could no longer be turned on. and see the illusion smashed, to I felt only a deadly stillness that I realize that I was the grief-stricken hope I will never forget. girl I had tried to leave back at the When I got sober, I still clung to table. She was always there waiting my drinking and drugging friends. I for me, staring at me, offering me an- was convinced that it wouldn’t be other drink. possible to dance sober with sober

people. Drunk people didn’t notice I survived the first few dances, my new self-consciousness, my new stepping on my partners’ feet, bumpfear about dancing. Sober people ing into other dancers on the floor, would, or so I thought. losing the rhythm of the song being 1 now know that I thought dancing played. Another part of my life was and having fun were ways of escaping starting over. 1 had to learn how to from myself. My view of having fun have fun as a sober adult for the first was distorted. time in my life. Dancing had been an Gradually, I began to realize that escape. Now, clean and sober, I no I had to break away from my old longer needed to escape from me. friends and make new friends in Looking into the mirrors, I saw the program. 1 sat in meetings and me, smiling! I started to cry. The screeched about how it was impos- grief-stricken girl was gone. The sible to dance sober with sober peo- music had come back into my life. ple. The old-timers smiled and nod- There was no noise going on, no ded. They promised that it would nightmare in my mind. A miraculous get better. transformation had taken place. The When I was about two and a half sunlight of the spirit danced all years sober, 1 went to an AA area around me, with me, and best of all, assembly in the city where I had done inside of me. a lot of my partying. After the busi- Now, with four years of sobriety, I ness meeting, a group of AAs were have a better idea of what dancing going dancing. I dared myself to and fun is. In sobriety, I have danced go along. naked under a full moon with a I took the same terminal unique- friend. I have danced by candlelight ness I brought into AA with me to the with a lover. I have danced in the solidance, but it soon evaporated. We tude of my home. were in the same room where 1 had When I dance now,’ I have an danced -to lose myself back in my awareness of who and what 1 am and drinking days. I saw that everyone I have a feeling that everything is else in the group was just as nervous all right. And I have that great rush i$s I was. We were all sixteen again, of joy in knowing that I have been lined up against the walls, sweaty given a second chance in life. That is palms, dry mouths, loud giggles, try- what dancing does for me. That is ing to get up the nerve to ask each what fun is today. other to dance. Bambi S., New Orleans, La.

August 1990

after midnight I must have decided to imagine my surprise? I was sick at the drive home against the advice of my thought. Could I have possibly said friends. (Did you ever try to persuade something like that? I loved my job an alcoholic who was drunk not to do and tried to treat all patients with something?) I came out of a blackout kindness and respect. But how could in an awful jail where people were or- I deny it when my memory of the dering me around and not too polite- whole thing was a blur? It seemed it ly. I must tell you I resented it imme- was their word against mine. Fortudiately. I was a nurse and a respected nately, I didn’t lose my job although person and who did they think they I was suspended for two days and were, treating me like this? I soon called in for counseling. Somehow I found out what had happened and managed to convince them (I think) why they were so mad at me. In my that I did not have a drinking probblackout I had hit a parked police car lem. I never drank before or during and smashed it up pretty bad. No one work – only after – so how could I had been in it, thank God. I was ar- have a drinking problem? And before rested for driving under the influence now, I never thought my drinking of alcohol and that’s why I was there. would affect my job. But that was not all. Apparently, dur- After two days and much pain and ing the arrest, I told this officer that I humiliation, I returned to work and was an ICU nurse, thinking that I somehow thought things would recould get out of it. I had been pulled turn to normal. But drinking would over for drinking and driving once or never be the same for me. The fears twice before and had gotten okt of it and guilt I’d felt before were now by telling them I was a nurse. This greatly magnified and I was terrified time it didn’t work. I was drunk and of what might happen in my next t was five in the morning when the ing drunk when she hit another car. I’d smashed up his car and he didn’t blackout. I knew there would be patient arrived. She was badly In the other car were a man and his care who I was. more of them. mangled with many broken bones and two children Gut delivering morning Shortly after that I started attenda collapsed lung. Her face and body The next morning, after being renewspapers. All three were dead now. leased from jail, I was sitting in my ing AA meetings on the recommenwere covered with cuts and bruises But this patient was alive. As I dation of the court; they said, “If you and she would need a machine to living room feeling sorry for myself worked to save her, my heart went when I received a phone call. The call want your driver’s license back you assist her breathing. This was not an out to the wife and mother who will go.” For about six weeks, I at- ‘ was from my boss and she informed unusual scene for me, but as I carried would now be alone. But I also felt tended meetings and started reading out my duties as a trauma intensive me that my director of nursing had something for this patient and her just received a call from the police the Big Book, but I was still unwilling care nurse, a sudden chill ran through predicament. I am twenty-eight years to give up the alcohol. Finally, after me. It was different for this patient. department. They told her what had old and an alcoholic. So as I worked, happened, adding that I had threat- thirty or forty meetings, I quit fight- If and when she survived, someone I reflected on my five months of ing the denial and let go. I admitted I would have to tell her that her car had ened the police officer by telling him sobriety in AA and how it came to be. that I hoped no cops would ever be was an alcoholic, accepted it, and struck and killed three people. One summer night, I had gone out picked up my white chip – the sur- The patient was a twenty-seven- patients in the unit where I worked partying as usual. Only this time it because I would get revenge. Can you render chip. I had decided to ask for year-old female who had been driv- had ended differently. Sometime

help to try to stop drinking one day at driver’s license, etc.). a time. I asked a God I had long since Today I am trying to live as an exforgotten about to please help me. A ample of what AA and sobriety can wonderful lady with eleven years of do. My life was a mess when 1 came sobriety was put into my life and she to AA and I didn’t even know it. No became my sponsor. And all of these one could have convinced me when 1 things I thought about as I took care was drinking that a life without alcoof this twenty-seven-year-old patient. hol could be anything but dull. I had 1 am one of the lucky ones. Today I to find out for myself how good it have sixteen months of continuous could be. Today I have many AA sobriety in the Fellowship of AA. I friends my own age. I have been to have had the love and support from young people’s conferences and met many wonderful recovering alcohol- many new people. I love my work ics. I have a loving sponsor who I and occasionally get the opportunity think of as my guardian angel. God to help another alcoholic who wants was directing my life before I even it. I love life today and I look forward asked him to. He had plans for me to each new day. that I didn’t. know about. I had a As for my patient, she recovered chance after one year of sobriety to fully from her injuries after three make amends to my boss. I told her months in our ICU. I don’t know about my new life and her eyes filled what ever became of her or how she is with tears as she hugged me. I have doing, but I pray for her sometimes had a wonderful work evaluation and and think about her often. You see, we have advanced in my career. I have are the lucky ones. 1 thank you all for finally wrapped up the last of the giving me this second chance at life. consequences of the DWI (money, Kim D., Ormond Beach, Fla.

May 1991

swarming with AAs and most of the My sponsor – he really is a relic hotels in town were booked solid. I told me he remembers the days before had reservations at the Smith Suites, the AA Cable Channel, when AAs a 350-room hotel complex built next read and interpreted AA’s literature to Wilsonland. for themselves and discussed what Like any theme park, Wilsonland they learned at meetings. It’s amazing has theme-related rides and attrac- any of those old-timers survived under tions. The Early Sobriety Roller such primitive conditions. Imagine Coaster, the Fourth Step Haunted actually reading the Big Book! House, and the HALT refreshment The Speakers Hall of Fame was my stands are just a few examples. I next stop. Here, in a quiet, softly lit stopped at the Gratitude Gift Shoppe setting were photos of AA’s greatest to pick up some souvenirs. I got a speakers. All dead, of course – post- Conference-approved set of Easy humous nominations only are accept- Does It jacket, shirt, coffee mug, and ed. 1 bought tapes of some of our bumper sticker. I was surprised to more famous speakers, and on my learn from my sponsor (who has fifty- way out the door I got the newest plus years of sobriety) that once upon edition of the “Speakers Directory,” a time there were no Conference-ap- since 1 am program chairman for my proved bumper stickers and other home group now. All the speakers goodies. How on earth they stayed are rated from one to four clowns sober way back then I don’t know. or one to four teardrops, depending The bumper sticker alone can save on their comedic or emotional audisomeone’s sobriety at 100 paces. ence appeal. The new studios of the AA Today My sponsor told me that when he Show are also at Wilsonland. Since was program chairman he just asked there are round-the-clock programs people whose sobriety he respected to broadcast nationwide on the AA speak at his home group. He said Cable Channel, I expected an elabo- there was no “Speakers Directory” rate facility and I was not disappoint- then. I tell you, it’s a miracle he’s ,ed. Only the most modern equipment sober today. Can you imagine some . was in use. Group contributions are of the speakers they must have had? well spent in this studio. How did they ever sit through meet- I stayed to watch the taping of the ings with those amateurs? next day’s segment of “Slogan Stud- I stopped by the Carry the Message ies.” Tom Jackson, a well-known Big video store and picked up one of their Book scholar, was explaining the real catalogs of 150 titles. The preview meaning of Keep It Simple. I watched room was showing Carry the Message the taping of the whole show and was Production’s newest film, “Yes, It amazed that Tom made the subject so Will Work For You, Too.” Part of clear in just half an hour. a far-reaching plan to increase our

outreach effort to specialty groups, fore a broad public audience without this film targets the mid-young (25- ever actually saying “I am a member to-30), blonde-haired, short, over- of Alcoholics Anonymous,” thus vioweight population. Although the lating the letter of the Tradition. Buzztarget group could have been more word dropping, conspicuous use of defined, I thought the film was well AA symbols, and ways to start unconmade, and will indeed help carry firmed rumors in the press are just a the message. few of the methods the tape explores. My sponsor told me about the days My sponsor told me that AAs used before films. Can you believe it – to worry about something he called how did they ever carry the message? “the spirit of anonymity.” This is He said they used to talk to people some outdated notion that anonymthemselves – that AA had only one ity has to be guarded at the public message and that message was the level whether the anonymity breaks same for any group. That would are explicit o r implicit. He said that never work today. And why should I hinting around at AA membership in talk to people about the AA pro- full view of the press is just as bad as gram? They can find out all they need stating AA membership openly. to know just by putting a video on Those old-timers certainly were an their TV. Besides, I can do all the intolerant bunch. Twelfth Step work I need to do by 1 guess it goes without saying that just showing up at my home group 1’11 never get my sponsor to visit Wilevery week – when that doesn’t con- sonland. He’s just too hopelessly lost flict with my busy schedule. And the in the past, and doesn’t understand “special group” people need a special what AA is really about. His curmessage. What would I say to them? mudgeonly view is that not all change In the video store, I bought a copy and growth is for the better. Well, of “The Evolution of Anonymity: I don’t care what that decrepit spon- The Letter of the Tradition.” The sor of mine says, I had a great visit tape’s jacket promises that this tape to Wilsonland and 1 plan to keep will help AAs learn the fine art of coming back. spreading their AA membership be- Kreg K., Manassas, Va.

August 1991

my friends would say, with what 1 lost it all, how willing would 1 have thought was admiration. been to surrender, to try the new way of This particular morning in the life offered by the program of Alcoholshower, 1 felt like an animal all right – ics Anonymous? Once my illusion of sick as a dog. I was seized with panic. control was smashed, I was defeated. 1 couldn’t do it this time, couldn’t I was desperate. 1 was ready for AA. fake it through another day. It was Today is my 826th day of continuthen I dropped to my knees in a prayer. ous sobriety. Had you told the poor, Looking back, 1 see that God did shaking woman in the shower that help me. He answered my desperate she would live on and be able toenjoy foxhole prayer, but not in a way I’d a life free from the agony of alcoholic ever dreamed. In the space of a few obsessions, she would never have beshort weeks, I had lost my job (sur- lieved you. prise, surprise), my fiance walked out It wasn’t easy rebuilding my life. (“I’m fed up! Why can’t you pull The Twelve Steps gave me a guide. yourself together!”), and I was hos- My sponsor gave me a shoulder. The pitalized for a concussion (I banged Fellowship gave me their experience, my head on the toilet when I was get- strength, and hope. And the Big ting sick – pretty glamorous, eh?). Book gave me answers. The program In addition, I missed out on a charge also involved a four-letter word 1-had of driving under the influence only never cared for: work. because I convinced the cop who “Are you willing?” my sponsor stopped me to let me go – through would ask, again and again. Ours is a the expulsion of copious amounts of simple program, but not an easy one. crocodile tears. But then, how much would the pro- 1believe God let me bottom out for gram mean to me if – like so many a reason. As my sponsor likes to say, of the things that came to me in my “Sometimes God empties our hands old life – it had been easy? t was a foxhole prayer. In a hoarse thing to myself that very night. On in order to fill our hearts.” Had I not Gwen t?,Madeira Beach, Flu. whisper, I pleaded simply, “God, weekends, it was easier to pretend please help me.” I could barely stand that drinking wasn’t interfering with in the shower. I was shaking and sick. my life. I didn’t have to wake up, or Again. Somehow, I had to pull my- get dressed to do anything. So 1didn’t. self together and get to work on time, “My weekends are my time,” I a task that was proving to be more would tell everyone. I’d usually leave and more difficult. the phone off the hook until noon, or So many mornings had been like until whenever I slept it off. I’d often this – feeling nauseous, my skin feel too out of sorts to see anyone all crawling, my eyes red and bloodshot. day – until I was ready to go out and 1 would vow, “Never again.” But, party that night. heartsick, I knew I’d do the same L’You’re a party animal, Gwen,”

March 1992

By this time, I had tried suicide. I me, because I called AA to “find out saw no point in living. 1 hated life. I what an alcoholic was” – just to be

,. hated everything. My big statement sure I never became one. was: “You just don’t understand.” As a result of the phone call, I was From the time we moved to Mary- taken to my first AA meeting. It was land until I got sober, 1 wouldn’t talk a women*smeeting and 1 was d l to my parents. There was always ten- 1 hated all the women. They seemed sion in the house if I was home. I was too phony, too sweet. What did they ‘ sent to my room nearly every day want from me anyway? After that, I without dinner and it seemed I was became extremely paranoid. perpetually grounded; That never 1 was afraid of seeing any of the bothered me. 1 just snuck out. women on the streets, so my drinky sobriety date is November 5, cutting school long before any of my When I was fifteen I tried to kill ing became extremely .secretive. I 1977, and I’ve had continuous peers were interested in such activi- myself again, but this time 1 want- couldn’t relate to those women besobriety since then. That’s not the ties. I started sit-ins protesting the ed to fake God out. (I knew if God cause they were all old (the youngest way it always was. One of the first Vietnam War simply because I was so caught you killing yourself you would was probably forty years old); they alcohol-related incidents 1 can recall bored with school. I thought I knew it go straight to hell and that did not ap- talked about having been divorced was when I was five years old and had all. The Catholic schools had really peal to me!) So I refused to eat any- two and three times, having marital . several sips of my parents’ beer and taught me well and I was bored with thing for three months; I lived off problems, problems with their chil- “fell asleep.” When I came to, I real- the public school’s cumiculum. 1 felt alcohol and sodas. I didn’t die but I dren, and so forth. I couldn’t relate ized that the cops, my parents, the it was too slow for me and that I certainly messed up my body. because I had big-time parent probneighborhood -everybody was look- didn’t need to go to class or study. 1 was cutting school daily by the lems. My parents were driving me ing for me. Apparently, I had fallen I had been drinking during all these time I was in high school because I to drinking -‘or so I thought. (My asleep for several hours under the extracurricular activities and began to felt it was a waste of time. After all, it parents were not alcoholics and I stairwell and no one could find me. I pressure my peers to join me. I be- interfered with my partying time! My do not blame them for my alcoholcertainly got in a lot of trouble for came the type of kid my parents had life was so black, so awful. I wished I ism.) I graduated from high school, that and I swore at the ripe old age of warned me to stay away from. In was dead and was obsessed with the by the grace of God, and decided to five that I would never drink again! junior high school, I finally found idea of killing myself. go to college only because I would be When I was achild wemoved often, some daring kids, kids who were not In the beginning I thought I was leaving home and my parents would and I never quite felt like I belonged afraid to cut school. They introduced cool because my tolerance for alcohol pay for it. anywhere. I could make friends very me to pot. Most of these kids later was so great. I would drink before The first year of college was disaseasily, but had no experience in keep- got sent away to reform school or going to school, during school, after trous. Too much freedom. I started ing long-term relationships. When I dropped out. Throughout these years school. It didn’t make a difference. off carrying twenty-one credits; after was eleven years old, we moved to I drank and partied, not caring about I was flunking out of high school, the first semester, I only passed nine Maryland and for the first time I was anything. though I never realized it until after I credits. I started some serious partyput into public school. Well, I went I was a terribly violent little girl and had gotten sober. 1just never went to ing and drinking because the guilt crazy. 1didn’t know how to handle all would cuss people out or beat them class with any consistency. When 1 was so strong. I knew about AA and I the freedom I had just been given. As up for no reason. Often, 1 would was a senior in high school (seventeen had a clue that the drinking could be a fifth grader, I had started smoking come to in a fight with someone – a years old) I had heard about AA in my problem, but I was trying to make cigarettes well before my time. I start- classmate, teacher, princidal, parent, one of my classes and something it my solution. It took me almost twg ed book-burning parties and began or brother. about the discussion must have hit years to get sober. I would stay dry

ation. The sober alcoholic I married work with deaf AAs and have made a would not work and was a pathologi- career of working at a university f a Todzy I am no i@er c m s M to have cal liar. I never could trust anything the deaf. AA has not only given me he said or did. It was awful. But be- ‘ my life, but also it has given me my been yuzg when I c a m into AA to stay at ing a good Catholic girl, I stayed in’ career. we ninetm . . .I’m now mkiycbr with a that marriage for six years, and did not have to drink through it. Thank AA has also given me my health mental, physical, and spiritual. To- God for excellent sponsorship and day, I know what it nieans to be a t h i ~ y e a r – o k dand his I# tjjwt cllr for AI-Anon. Without my sponsor friend and have many, many friends. and Al-Anon, I would surely have I know I never have to be alone again mssd up as mine ever wm. drunk again. and that I never have to go through I completed my undergraduate de- life alone.’ It’s been a wonderful, for a week and then reward myself on that bad. She went through the sui- gree one year after we were married. I wonderful journey. the weekends trying to prove all the cide attempts and DTs and it was ex- stayed sober through school, gradua- Today, I am no longer considered while that I was not an alcoholic – I tremely painful for me to watch. tion, marriage, separation, and di- to have been young when I came into was not that bad. In the end, I had to transfer to a vorce. Who would have ever thought AA to stay at age nineteen. I have I finally got seven or eight months different college (the old geographic that would have been possible? worked with kids in AA who’are together just to prove to myself and cure) to stay sober because everybody During the first few years of my so- much younger. I’m now working God that I was not an alcoholic. 1 did and everything seemed to be a slip- briety, I noticed deaf people coming with a thirteen-year-old and his life is it by going to one meeting a month. I pery place for me. The first sponsor to my meetings and occasionally their just as messed up as mine ever was. I didn’t follow directions, didn’t work who had sort of adopted me told me, interpreter would not show up to in- am sure I would never have lived to, any Steps, got involved in relation- when I was drunk one night, that I terpret the meetings. So we would sit age twenty-one had I continued to ships, and when two of them failed would never get sober. Well, that got and write back and forth for the hour. drink. I would have finally s u d e d on the same night, 1 got drunk and my attention. I would show him. I It was then that 1decided to learn sign in killing myself and possibly others tried to kill myself. was smarter than he was; after all, I language to be able to interpret at my in the process. Today, I am a very I only drank for one night that was a college student! So, I stayed AA meetings. 1 thought this was my happy, optimistic, friendly individual time, but it convinced me that I had a sober the first year on a resentment. calling for Twelfth Step work. who loves herself and loves life. serious problem with alcohol. I still At the end of my first year of sobri- As a result, I do much Welfth Step Lola G.,Greenbelt, Md. didn’t think I was an alcoholic, but I ety, I started dating the only other knew that each time I had seriously young person in the meetings, a man attempted suicide, I was drunk. who was seven years older than I was. I had met a girl in college who was I knew that the relationship was also my drinking buddy, and she wrong at the beginning, but we both could drink enough to keep up with had a program and we would work me. She was two years older than I things out after all: “Boy meets girl was and in really bad shape due to on AA campus. . .” alcohol. We tried to help each other Needless to say, we got married get sober. She ended up getting kicked and three weeks later I wanted out. I out of college and I ended up sober. I couldn’t believe what I had gotten had seen how bad she was due to alco- myself into, sober. If only 1 had been hol and I just didn’t want to become drunk, I could better explain this situ-

March 1992

mce. That’s a heavy load to carry. ginning and continue to apply those

Many Meetings,] Complacency also stepped into my things to every area of my life. 1 was .ife very slowly but hit terribly hard. pnhappy and knew I didn’t want to

/ Many Chances 1 Complacency was a mixture of not jemain that way. Alcoholics Anonyenough meetings and not really car- mous meetings were my answer. ing, not calling my sponsor and hav- Did you ever hear: Many meetings, ing a lousy outlook, not attending many chances; few meetings, few Step meetings and not reading litera- chances; no meetings, no chances? ture. It affected more aspects of my I’ve never forgotten that because it life than I ever thought possible. really helped me when I first heard i, my name is Gina and I’m anal- in high school, college applications, What was happening to this constant- it. In short, I love AA and the turncoholic. I am eighteen years old, and turning eighteen under my par- ly vigilant girl? around it has given me. Being a soon to be nineteen. 1won’t go into a ents’ roof but still conforming to This madness took months and it younger person means that in terms drunkalog, let’s just say booze and their rules. built up until 1 couldn’t handle my of years 1 have that much more to drugs began to own me; they con- At times, it has seemed unbear- life or my insanity any longer. I need- lose if I waste my life. Shame on me if ‘ trolled my every action and my every able; I’ve felt suicidal. What is going ed to get back to basics. I had to re- I am not grateful. word. I was to become full-blown in on? What am I doingwrong? The life member what I was taught in the be- G. C.,Lakeville, Mass. the grips of this deadly obsession in a situations I was facing were normal –

very short time. Needless to say, I to most people, but I was so used to didn’t win. Booze won and if I hadn’t running away from problems that 1 chosen the road to recovery, booze had never stood still long enough to would have destroyed every inch of learn what I needed to know. I am my life – including family, friends, one who has always enjoyed living in and relatives. What an awfully sad emotions; everything is one extreme thing to ponder, isn’t it? or the ot her. In April 1992, I will be celebrating In my first two years, I had enough four years of sobriety. That’s 1,460 to worry about – like staying sober, days, one day at a time, of not drink- working, sleeping, and school. As I ing. For an alcoholic and drug abuser, approached my third year, I awoke to I call that a miracle. I don’t brag but I all the things 1despised about myself. was twenty-three when 1 came to that conference, but I thank God and like to let others, especially younger The defects we learn about in the AA. I had a rough go of it for a AA that I made it back, alive, and w p l e , realize that it works. It’s very Steps and all the horrible things I be- while, but just recently celebrated willing to do whatever it was I had to important for me to hear people tell gan remembering that were in my three years. The following May I was do. I became involved with our state how long they’ve been sober. 1 get so Fourth Step became alive in my life. I introduced to one of the most beauti- young people’s conference in 1987, much hope and belief that it’s all out was terrified yet angry, sad yet pride- ful experiences in my life. I attended and was introduced to service. 1really there for me too. ful. 1 was filled with awful emotions the Twenty-eighth International Con- needed this, even though every week I This past year or so has been the which I transformed to anger. 1 was ference of Young People in AA held wanted to quit the conference comhardest, no question about it. I strug- angry at myself for aU the things I in Denver, Colorado. I discovered mittee. I learned about AA and how gled with my relationships to men, hated about me, therefore I was angry that a young person can sober up and it worked internally. 1 also wanted complacency, jobs, changes in my at my Mom, Dad, sister,’best friend, start to live a life truly worth living. desperately to do whatever I could to daily routine, being a grown-up kid my group, and my sponsor, all at I didn’t stay clean and sober after insure AA’s future.

‘WO people were put into my life at What I find is a lot of early-sobriety thisconference- two men that would members, with from one to five years. later become my sponsors. They had Yet I know there are people in my both used young people’s groups in community with years of sobriety. early sobriety. One of them was a de- My point is this. 1 thought this was voted servant of AA. The other was a a teaching program. Member sharing loving and gentle man who was the to member. Those in sobriety can first person I really trusted. They only teach what has been taught to both have become a big part of my them. If there are no elder statesmen life. 1 love them with all my heart. left to teach, how can we younger Through them I began to learn people learn? about AA. They showed me what When I got here my morals and young people were doing that could values were yet to be formed. Today 1 really hurt AA’s future. That is what try to lead by example, by practic- I am writing about. ing what AA and my sponsors have The Twenty-eighth International taught me. My hope is that whenever Conference showed me that 1 could anyone undermines AA’s future, live as a young recovering alcoholic. there will be someone there to remind Yet 1 was told by my sponsor that one them of “what we used to be like” of the hotels that hosted the confer- and “what we are like now.” When 1 went into treatment, my ence will never have AA back. That really hurts. My other sponsor told me of another incident where attendees Look around, young and old alike, and give freely what has been given so freely to you. Take a risk, talk to the A t seventeen years old, I had my first baby, received my first welfare check, and started drinking and mother kept my children for me. I was in treatment with about thirtyusing drugs. For the next ten years, one other people, more whites than at a young people’s conference de- new person about your morals and blacks, more men than women. They stroyed hotel property- several hun- values, and maybe then we can all sit my drinking and drugging progressed to daily using and 1 had a total of were all older than me. All the while 1 dred thousand dollars’ worth. This is back and relax. was in treatment I thought I was difnot what I saw in Denver, Colorado I hope that when I become an elder three children. On Good Friday, after seeing my mother in the hospital, I ferent. If I was asked if I was prejujust over four years ago. statesman of this program and when 1 diced, I would deny it. When I com- I feel alone and powerless. I can attend young people’s functions that experienced my first major blackout which lasted two days. When I got pleted treatment, I took the book only share what I feel. I always hear 1 won’t have to worry about such Living Sober with me, thinking I that young people are AA’s future – things as vandalism. The young peo- home 1 finished my children’s Easter dresses and sent them to church. I felt could do it on my own, even though I but what future do we have when ple’s conference helped change my so scared, embarrassed, and ashamed. had met four recovering blacks who young people cannot or refuse to be life. I hope and pray that twenty years were telling me that I needed to go to responsible young adults? I know not from now we won’t have locked our- 1 went to see my doctor and he sugall young people are like this. Maybe gested very strongly that I go into a meetings because I couldn’t d o it selves out of the places that once wel- alone. 1 was given a sponsor and I it’s just a few, but these few demean comed us with open arms. treatment program and complete it. us all, young and old. He also told me that he had sent five was told to go to her house every day My belief and hope is that this will to read recovery literature with her Yet, when I go to meetings and look not happen as long as we have people other black women there and they for “examples” in AA, sometimes I didn’t finish. His last statement to me over coffee. willing to share what it was like when I was about two or three months must look hard. I don’t find a whole they got here as young alcoholics. was that the people at the treatment lot of “elder statesmen” in meetings. Todd C., Cheyenne. Wyo. center could help me if 1 let them. sober and clean when the group I had

hooked up with decided to have a sober and clean that I finally got my special meeting on Tradition Three, chance to become a counselor by in order to help me feel more a part of doing an internship. Again my AA the Fellowship. I didn’t know that family supported and encouraged blacks in recovery were few and far me. One of the AAs helped me write a between and the four I met in treatment would be the most with some sobriety I would see in a long time. But the group made a point of taking letter to the director, who allowed me to be the first one in his new internship program. I have been working in the field of IOU me to a lot of meetings all over the chemical dependency since 1984. And state. They supported and encour- I know, with all my heart, that I have had an unmanageable life for end. At fourteen 1would get served in aged me in everything I tried to do to better myself – things like going wouldn’t be where I am today if it hadn’t been for my doctor sending 1 as long as I can remember. When I liquor stores. 1 had many so-called was a kid, my family had moved, and friends, but I preferred to drink alone. back to school, trying out for a job in me to treatment, the staff putting 1 had a hard time adapting to the new Drinking and drugging became the the fire departmeht, quitting smok- up with me in treatment, and the town I decided to hang out with a most important thing in my life. ing, AA service work, and so on. patience and tolerance of all the AA crowd associated with drugs and alco- When I had no alcohol and drugs, I While I was at the treatment center members 1came in contact with (there hol. They were much older than 1was. felt alone, and 1 felt I had no other in 1977, I mentioned to the director of were times, for example, that 1 had to I had always taken sips of my fa- reason to live. that program that I had three-and-a- bring my children to a meeting with ther’s beer and would sneak alcohol All I wanted to do was get drunk half years of nurse’s aide experience me – either that or use them as an out of the liquor cabinet. When 1 was and die. 1 attempted suicide, and was and I would like to work at the center excuse to stay home). twelve I had my first drunk. I liked told 1 had to go to a psychologist. I after I completed the program. He Today my relationship with my the feeling so much I wanted it more lied to her about my drinking as I did . politely told me that he wouldn’t even family and children has changed for and more. 1 started to get drunk as to everyone else. let me do volunteer work there unless the better. And I still go to meetings much as I could. During the summer My friends had noticed how much I had one year of sober and clean because I can’t do it alone. it was almost every day. When school I was drinking so I decided to hang time. It wasn’t until I was seven years Juanita, Peoria, Ill, started, I would get drunk all week- out with different people. In April

1988, my boyfriend made a bet with gram – either I’m moving ahead or start feeling pain today is to ignore thought I had a problem. my sponsor’s suggestions. Writing me that I could not stop drinking and A week later I was in a rehab. 1 got I’m sliding back. During those first drugging for one week. I won the bet twelve months, I definitely slid back this article is an example: he suggestout six weeks later, and started going ed I d o it about a month ago, but I but it was the hardest week of my to meetings on a regular basis. Two more than I moved ahead. life. He thought I needed help so I In August of 1987.1 moved here to dkcided to wait for a while. When I months into my program, I felt so found myself feeling some pain, I went to a friend and he brought me to alone without drinking I attempted Ames to go to college. Shortly after an AA meeting. After this I thought I moving, the time came when I had to decided I’d better start writing. I look suicide for the third time. I was placed forward to the day when the periods was cured, so I left the meeting and make a decision – take a drink or got drunk. in a psychiatric unit; I stayed there start working the program. Thank of pain are almost nonexistent – 1 for six weeks. say almost because I strive for pro- 1 went to a couple more meetings I’ve now been in the program eight God, I chose the latter. I started going – I told my parents I was going to to a meeting every day, and soon got gress, not perfection. It’s important months. Things aren’t perfect, but as for me to remember that the pain I meet new friends. I really related to time goes by things get better and bet- a sponsor and began working through what people were saying in the meet- the Steps. Amazingly, my life started feel isn’t due to change – it’s due to ter. I owe my life to AA and the peo- my resistance to change. ings so I shared. People told me I ple in the rooms, because -without getting better. didn’t end up there by mistake, and Today, as long as I do the things in For the newcomers out there, the them I strongly believe I would be in best thing I can tell you from my exto keep coming. That night I went jail, an institution, or dead. front of me to do and accept the restraight home and told my parents I sults as being God’s will for me, I feel perience is to get a sponsor right away. Susan D., Wayne, N.J. My best thinking is what got me to good. Of course, this isn’t always the way it is. Pain is often my biggest this program, so it only makes sense motivator today. When I choose not that I should take someone else’s adto carry the principles into all of my vice. This program, I’ve found, is just

The Moment affairs, I feel pain. After a while, this pain beats me into a state of reasonableness and I realize, once again, like anything else in life -,the more you put into it, the more you get back, and the rewards are absolutely wonderful! of Truth- . that I can’t do it, but we can. One of the easiest ways for me to Phil S.,Ames, Iowa

– – – – – – –

%A is not for people who need it, it’s for people who want it.” This phrase has been on my the Big Book, didn’t work any of the Steps, and went out with my drinking buddies on weekends. Looking back, mind a lot lately. I’m a twenty-three- the only thing I did right during that year-old alcoholic who, through the period was to not drink and keep grace of God, sponsorship, and the coming back. AA program, has been sober since As a result of this lack of willing- August 2, 1986. ness to work the AA program, I didn’t At first, I wasn’t too willing to ac- grow much at all during my first year – cept AA. I hit one meeting a week, of sobriety. I believe that it’s imposdidn’t have a sponsor, didn’t read sible for me to stand still in the pro- I

May 1992

little lie can lead to. That’s how the taken away, and my mind just revolted. It tried pretty hard to get me back Not What disease works, and 1 must always be vigilant against my own mind. into oblivion. People told me that I was pretty much an agnostic, sugar helped ease cravings, and to eat leaning to atheism when I first started some hard, sweet candy. So I got my

I this program. But I was so desperate to get better, I made up my mind to try anything. 1 was told that if I was only willing to believe in the possibilfavorite type of this candy in stock – ‘ Tootsie Roll Pops. I grew to hate them. 1 had them morning, noon, and night. I polished off three of

Used to ity of a Higher Power, and prayed for acceptance, I would find it. I was more than a little skeptical at first, and really felt like a hypocrite, but I them on every drive to work. I saw people in beer commercials having fun and I would grab another sucker, cursing it. But better to be frustrated did what I was told. And guess what? with a sucker than drunk, possibly in It worked. 1 can tell you from my jail, or worse. heart that this in itself is something of The cravings aren’t so bad now and ,

a miracle. And there are a lot of peo- I’ve graduated to candy bars. Haven’t ple out there who will back me up, cursed one yet, so you can see that I haveonly recently been freed from people with whom I’ve venomously things do get better. the cycle of active alcoholism, and debated the existence of God. If you Probably one of the worst things while 1 am grateful beyond words, I had told me a year ago that I would I’ve had to deal with so far are the have often found it very difficult to come to accept God, I would have feelings of guilt and shame I have get through that proverbial “one day screamed “brainwash.” over things I did while drinking. I’ve at a time.” You know, sometimes 1 talked some of it out, and prayed a really hate that phrase. It sounds so lot about it, and this has helped me a easy, but living it is another matter altogether, Alcohol was lot. I’m even kind of looking forward to Steps Eight and Nine. But some- When I first got sober, a lot of people told me that I had tackled the my mind, nw~pt’q~ times I have to remind myself that I wasn’t really myself when I did those y name is Susan and I am an worst part of my problem by admit- my attitudesy my things. I wouldn’t have done them if I alcoholic. I am twenty-five ting I was defeated. While that may years old, and for all practical pur- have been true at the time, I find that behtvior. had had a choice. That doesn’t relieve me of the responsibility, but I know poses have only just begun to live. facing the rest of reality and continu- that I have a choice now. I know that I began drinking when I was eleven ing to live sober has been equally dif- What stood between me and God 1 never have to live like that again. years old and 1 now believe that I ficult. 1 have to admit my alcoholism was nothing more than fear and ego. There’s another thing 1 picked up in never had control in any way, not every day, just to keep my mind head- Mostly ego. Don’t you know that I one of the rooms that helps me treeven in the beginning. Even though ed in healthy directions. Because used to know everything! mendously: “I am not what I want to there were periods when 1suffered no there’s a part of my mind that always Cravings used to get pretty bad for be. I am not what what I could be. negative consequences, alcohol was wants to tell me that I’m not defeat- me. I think it was mostly psychologi- But thank God I am not what I used warping my mind, my attitudes, my ed, that I’m not really an alcoholic. cal. My old familiar pattern of life to be.” Amen to that. behavior. But 1 know from experience what that – the great escape – was suddenly Susan N., Clearwater,Ha.

June 1992

We Can’t Go Backwmds in Time I will not condone a heroin addict here when I needed it, because today I felt compelled to write this because of mind that I used drugs. need it more and love it more than I ever speaking only of heroin at an AA meetthe letters I have just read in the One night an old-timer asked me if I imagined I would need or love anything. was using drugs. I told him the truth. ing. At a Narcotics Anonymous meeting January 1992 issue of the Grapevine. I wish we could ease up on this parin Ventura I was not allowed to speak The letters that compelled me were His response was, “Well, we use no ticular issue. The greatest gift I can give because it was determined that I was fwm old-timers, with their ever-present mind-altering chemicals in AA.” to anyone, whether to an alcoholic or an more affiliated with AA than NA. I do opinions regarding dual addiction dis- My question then was why would AA addict, is my understanding of the Steps think if people are addicted to being cussed at AA meetings. set such a standard and then not allow and the belief that my God loves me no When I got sober in 1983, my spon- any of its members to feel comfortable loaded, period, they can share in a gendiscussing dual addiction? eral way both their addictions and how matter where I have been, whom I have sor scared me to death and I did exactly what I was told. I did not ever want to The old old-timers are truly my the program has helped them, or ask been with. or what I have done. All this heros. But some are pretty cantanker- what they can do to receive some peace 1 learned from the old-timers. Thanks. drink or use again. 1 was told by my ous. It’s their belief-or none. Well, we of mind. you guys! sponsor not to identify myself as an I am eternally grateful for AA being C. S.,Tujunga, Calif: “alcoholic/addict” because, she said, the are in the nineties, guys, and life just only reason I did this was to maintain isn’t the same as it was. Drug abuse is the “difference” that had kept me loaded more prevalent today than in 1935. So for most of my life. I believed her. AA is not the same as it was when you But I wonder what would have hap- all got here. It isn’t even the same as pened had 1 been able to share my dual when I got here, almost nine years ago. addiction in 1978 when I first attended AA seems to be in God’s hands, and you AA’! either believe that or not, and you either Back then, I was told we didn’t dis- accept that or not. AA changes as the cuss anything other than alcohol and world and its people need it to. It is here * alcohol-related problems, because this for all of its children. . was Alcoholics Anonymous and the 1 went to NA, but I never got what I only requirement for membership was a got in AA. AA was where I saw that my desire to stop drinking. I had the desire, addictions would take me nowhere but believe me, I had the desire. So I didn’t hell. That is where I found a program to drink. live by, and it’s mainly because of all I did however use drugs. I couldn’t those scary old-timers who were here talk about that so I figured AA didn’t when I got here.

June 1992,

I studied the question of what one there were groups of four and five peo- ‘ W o weeks,” I a n s w e d with a wore to an AA dance. My mind danced ple sitting together, laughing, backslap flinch. through my closet. Choices were few. ping, and enjoying themselves. Every- The girl in red. her eyes softening, because I had traded in Scotch for candy one seemed to know everyone else. A .leaned across the table, covered my , bars. I picked my pretty pink dress with black and lonely cloud settled over me. *and with hers, took a couple of chews the beaded butterfly on the shoulder. Just then I spotted a young woman on her gum, and said, “WII, honey, just I dressed carefully and then drummed who looked like she was headed toward keep the Lord with you every day and my fingers to the tick of the clock until me. Her brown hair was spiked about you’ll be okay.” A tingling like an electhe hands showed eight. Wouldn’t want five inches above her head and tipped trical spark passed from her hand to to be the first one there, I reasoned. red. She wore a crimson dress. It was mine. It was a spring evening and as I pulled very small, very short, cut low in back, Someone asked the girl in ted to into the parking lot, I heard lower in front, and tightly cinched. She dance and a few minutes later I slipped had on red lace hose and red spiked from the room. heels. Her eyelashes were heavily mas- The night was warm and balmy. A caraed. Very wide, very long beaded light mist was falling. music blaring through open windows. It earrings brushed her chest as she Driving home, I switched off the was country western rock-not my walked. radio and rolled down the windows. kind of music-so I vacillated. She was actively chewing a large wad Though the route was familiar, I drove Well, “God hates a coward.” 1 of bubble gum and there could now be slowly. The pavement glistened and thought and with that I parked my car. no doubt-she was headed directly to- there were auras around the lampposts. At the door a nice man relieved me of ward me. I could smell the promise of spring in five dollars and I was offiially at an AA With all the fledging faith of my two the air. dance. weeks of sobriety, 1 offered up a silent Inside the quiet of my car, I thought, A glance at the band indicated that prayer: “Please, Lord, let me think of “Well, I guess the Lord can speak to the musicians were in the process of something to say.” anyone, at any time, at any place, and killing their instruments-death by She said hello and made a few com- through anyone.” beating as I saw it. Another glance ments about and above the din of the I never saw the girl in the red dress music. In desperation I asked, “How again. But she had touched me at my 18 showed tiie that nobody but nobody had long have you been sober?” very core. I knew I would never forget t was Saturday-but not just any on anything like a pretty pink dress with Saturday. It was the second Saturday a beaded butterfly on the shoulder. “A year and a half,” she replied. my first AA dance. of my sobriety. Instead, everyone was dressed in cut- “How about you?” Sue R., Leawood, Kans. I was restless and angry. I felt like I offs, leather jackets, jeans, and T-shirts. hadn’t been anywhere in two weeks and I could not have looked more out of my seams were near to bursting. place. I felt like an alien who had just Then at a meeting, my eye fell on a landed. printed flyer tossed on a table. It said One more glance and 1 spied a coffeethere was to be an AA dance that night pot. At least I had something to do. I at eight o’clock. My past social life had bought a cup, spotted a vacant space at led me to many a dance but I wondered a long table, and sat down. I inhaled the what an AA dance would be like. I de- coffee as one would a good brandy and cided to go. nervously lit a cigarette. Everywhere

July 1992

nate not to have caught AIDS or been were over and my sugar daddies were caught by the police. There’s no doubt to gone. I had to sober up, if I was to conme that God was watching over me. I tinue living. 1 began sincere prayer, as lived near a busy highway where I used I .had in my childhood, having been to trick, hitchhiking back and forth. But raised in a religious family. then I didn’t think I could do it anymore. I joined Alcoholics Anonymous, I decided on something safer: I would which taught that God is kind and loving become a mistress. I went with the first and would help me in all areas of my big spender in a bar to wave money un- life. I met women who had gone through der my nose. I ended up being with him what I had and were now successful. I for five years. Behind his back, I was met my present husband in AA. seeing a banker through whose generos- I have since become a professional ity I accunlulated a wardrobe of expen- writer, learning from my husband, a sive clothing. My other gentleman ben- writer also. We’ve been married for over efactor saw that I had a car and a three years, and I have been clean and furnished apartment. Then, out of guilt, sober over six years. I have respect as.a I left hoth men. Very quickly money got wife and a writer, and I am in love with low. a wonderful man who adores me. God t was a rude awakening when, after ruined. Dirty Charley went to jail for Setting out again, I went to the near- kept me safe from real harm. Though I ninety-six unrelated college units, I something or other. We had been skip- est dancing establishnlent and offered to was beaten, stabbed, and raped in those discovered I could earn more money ping out on the rent in various places, audition-which meant stripping in days, I always survived. dancing nude than I could with an and I ended up alone in a fleabag hotel front of the boss in the back room. But Nowadays, my life is quiet. We write Associates Degree. Of course, this was run by Greeks. I am of Greek heritage, he took one look at me and said I was in our cozy home and drive a yellow nearly twenty years ago, before gravity and 1 wanted to be as much at home as too old. Too old! Hurt. I went on a Cadillac! I am at peace with myself. 1 had an effect on my body. I was what I could be. From there I worked the top drinking binge. fueled by rejection and still have some emotional scars but they they called a “fox,” and I shook my bare less clubs, making good tips. desperation. say love heals all, and I am confident the bottom in nude dancing establishments. I found Lcould make more money by When I came to my’ senses, on June future is bright. It was fun, and I loved to dance, cre- tricking with the customers when I was 5 , 1985, 1 realized my dancing days Christina P, Sun Diego, Calif. ate shows, and practice my routines. I off-duty. It wasn’t difficult. Some men sewed all my fancy costumes, even sold took me to nice motel rooms. Some pasties I’d made. But I couldn’t get on camouflaged their car between trucks. stage to strip unless I drank a bottle of Some parked under freeway off-ramps. apple wine-vintage whatever year it Anyway my fee was $20.00. The barwas. The dancers were chauffeured to tenders set up the deal, and I gave them different night clubs in a pink Cadillac. a per-trick tip. and I took LSD and smoked marijuana I drank a lot and took drugs in the in the car. Unfortunately, I got mixed up clubs, and lived for many years in that with an outlaw biker called Dirty lifestyle. I never knew what to expect. Charley who made me sell drugs in the I ran into a lot of dangervus characters, clubs. Inexperienced, I was caught and and nearly died after several attempts fired on the spot. My beautiful job was had been made on my life. I was fortu-

J .’ E August

She gets out of bed and intensely attempt at polishing them yesterday. showers, attempting to scrub her soul She could not keep her hands steady. as well as her skin. She finds a traffic As the reprimand continues, she finticket in her purse and notices that her ishes the pack of cigarettes that had recigarettes are as soggy as her money. placed the morning’s wet one. “Ineed Hcr ex-husband always told her she to calm down.” she thinks. “Maybedrank tcm much. In fact, he said that I’lljust stop for a couple of Johnny was the reason he left. He never nien- Walker Reds, then treat myself to dintioncd the other men she had been ner. After that. I’ll go home, take a with-maybe he didn’t know. “Maybe cool shower and polish my nails.” I should stop drinking,” she thinks, With renewed hope for a better eveand off to work she trudges. ning, she leaves work. What a plea- Her supervisor in the doctor’s office sure to escape from that nag and those Icn)ks at her and scowls at his watch as snobby, self-righteous clods she works she cntcrs. “Never again,” she silently with. She i s grateful that Chee-Chee’s ~csponds. Her ex-husband’s pretty, i s cool and comfortable. She goes to new wit2 arrives b r an appointment the juke box and Ronstadt begins to ‘, and is hIIof enthusiastic tales of how sing “When Will I Be Loved.” well the husband i s doing at work. By The alarm is ringing. Colorless fin- 4:oO PM her headache has gotten gernails hit the snooze button for the worse and the shakes have begun on third time. Outside, the already hot, schedule. As her boss is reprimanding humid August day is going to be as her. she angrily looks at her long, col- oppressive as the last eight. orless fingernails and remembers her Lynne J., Long Brunch, N.J.

he sometimes attractive woman in question. She wonders where she is. her late twenties painfully turns She i s home, but doesn’t remember over and shuts off the alarm. I t has how she got there. Her last memory is been ringing for more than half an of Chee-Chee’s dim, clinking interior. hour. Thick, oily, 80-proof sweat She remembers the noise. The juke oozes from the woman’s pores. The al- box, full of her quarters, blasting the ready hot, humid August day i s obvi- smokey air with Linda Ronstadt singously going to be as oppressive as the ing “Desperado.” She is then cursed last seven. ‘lkro thoughts emerge from with a vision of her vacant, drunken . her pickled brain. The first is of her face reflected in the gold-veined mirbody demanding something cold and ror across the bar. She had turned wet to drink. Her second thought i s a away from the image in disgust.

August

I

AA everywhere, we commenced to ship, we stayed right. We had our make fast friends. As found on page cliques, but as in all cliques those that 17 in the Big Book. “. . . There exists practiced solutions (strong sponsoramong us a fellowship, a friendliness, ship, service, meetings, a relationship and an understanding which is inde- with God, the Steps) survived, and scribably wonderful.” those who stayed in the problem scwn — – The feeling of sharing a common disbanded. young people, and what Nebraska did peril, a common age, and most impor- As we grew, our “twisted” motives to insure that the hand of AA was tantly a common freedom from the fell by the wayside. No longer did we truly there. Today much of our state prison of self and booze was almost need to stay in our little group and has designated “young people’s” AA roo powerful. We all agreed that alco- show those “old alkies” how it’s done. meetings that are thriving, lending a holism had caused a great need in our No competition between old and hand to the still suffering young community and the responsibility of young. We were all in this together. alcoholic. providing an atmosphere of identifica- Many of us got older sponsors and During the spring of 1981, a hand- tion was ours. started spreading our to other ful of young AAs saw a need. The In August 1981, we started the meetings. local treatment centers and halfway Young People’s Meeting in Omaha. We no longer had to prove to other houses were “pumping out” more and Our first turnout- 150 people. Yes, young people that we were better. more young sober alcoholics. With not the need was there! We quickly Initially, we wanted to host an much sobriety, yet a lot of enthusiasm elected officers and split up into four ICYPAA. We wanted to do this for and fellowship, this group set out to meetings; two smoking, a nonsmok- some good reasons: I ) To get more Minneapolis for the 24th International ing, and a beginners meeting. Our people involved in Alcoholics Anon- Conference of Young People in goal: attract young alcoholics through ymous, 2) to show young people that Alcoholics Anonymous (ICYPAA) in identification and expose them to a set there is life after booze and it’s a darn July of 1981 . of principles that had saved our lives. good one! 3) to carry the message to We went to see how other young Ultimately, we wanted to host an more young people through this people in AA were getting along. We ICY PAA. forum. We also had a couple of nothad a lot of questions. How do you As alcoholics go, we were no differ- so-good reasons: 1) Show young alcostart an “official” young people’s AA ent. There were arguments. There was holics everywhere how to put on a meeting? How do you get active in a lot of hanging on to just the fellow- conference, 2) show them where the A lcoholics underihe age of 30 have been coming to AA in Nebraska for severil years. Most were welcomed service? What do you have to do to become part of AA as a whole’? Is the Big Book current enough for us? ship and consequently getting drunk. But through it all, many survived. People who in 1981 were 14 and 15 best AA exists, and 3) prove to the over-the-hill gang we’re a hrce to be reckoned with. Once the constructive with open arms, while some were met These are the ’80s! And of course, are still sober today with 10 and 12 action was taken, however, the not-sowith much skepticism. But in the late how can I meet that attractive girl years. Some meetings were started out good motives dissipated. There was 1970s and early 1980s there began a from Chicago’? of resentment, or a desire for power (1 no need to prove ourselves to trend that has since become common- We were in awe as approximately want to run something!), but all were anyone-AA had tricked us again. place: young alcoholics by the hun- 3,500 sober alcoholics from all over started out of a need, for today there We did a few simple things (that were dreds showing up at the door of AA the globe, the majority under the age are 1,200 to 1,500 young alcoholics in hard!) and we learned a most valuable asking for help. The following is a of 30, converged on the Radisson the Omaha area alone. lesson. As long as we stay in control, thumbnail sketch of that influx of Hotel. Everyone had a ball, and like As a fellowship within a Fellow- our lives run rampant with fear, re-

sentment, pain, and hostility. Once we when everyone knows that when I die surrender to the ideals of AA, we be- I’m leaving everything I own to this come happy, useful, peaceful, and clubhouse and AA?’ whole. “Let me tell you the story of the pig Back to our story: A conference and the cow,” said the sponsor. “The was started. In July 1983, the Great pig was unpopular and the cow was Plains Roundup was held with an at- beloved. This puzzled the pig. ‘People tendance of just under 800, and it was speak warmly of your gentle nature a greia success. There were speakers and your soulful eyes,’ the pig said to who were young sober members of the cow. ‘They think you generous be- Alcoholics Anonymous, but there cause each day you give them milk were more who were just plain mem- and cream. But what about me? I give hers of AA. We learned another inval- them everything I have. I give them uable lesson: Young is ut~yo~ru who bacon and ham. I provide bristles for still has growing to do, and AA is a brushes. They even pickle my feet! Yet lifelong journey. Last November, the no one likes me. Why is that?’ Grc;it I’lains Roundup I X had an at- “Do you know what the cow antentlance of 1.500, twice whal it was swered?” said the sponsor. She said, nine years ago. Some of those on the ‘Perhaps it’s because I give while I’m con~mitteeof the roundup were there still living!”‘ for the first young people’s meeting Living is giving. Giving is loving. back in 1981 . Ironically, many of us Loving is God. We have experienced who were around for the baby boom God, because many of us are still of AA in Omaha are classitied as over sober and active in AA despite the the hill in Omaha today. Yes, what odds against us. To those we sponsor goes around comes around! under the age of twenty we can be There is a story an old-timer once overheard saying, ‘The most satisfactold that gcxs something like this: tory years of your existence lie “Why is it.” said a rich man to his ahead.” sponsor, “that people call me stingy Murk S., Apple Valley, Minn.

April 1993

A Teenager in Paris 6 Some of you also know the difficulties I’ve been facing in the last couple of months due to my job.” Difficulties was a pretty light word for it. I thought. My mom was acounsometime the next morning. I didn’t take much time to let the reality of this enormous change sink in – to figure out what the hell I was doing in Paris. But this grey cloud of jet selor for alcoholics and drug addicts lag soon evaporated, and rage and – teenage ones. The problem was that fear came to the surface. she had been getting co-dependent I went to many meetings, and at with her clients – most of whom were first I seemed to be making friends, friends of mine – and I’d been getting going out to coffee, et cetera. But it jealous due to all the time she had wasn’t long before I began to resent devoted to these kids. This had been the fact that I had lost the Fellowship an ongoing problem since I had gotten back in Oregon, where there had been sober six months earlier. many, many young members to whom “To get to the point, I’m not sure I could relate, and who were in- Sabrina and I are coming back.. . .” terested in doing the things I wanted She looked at me and I felt the to do. In Paris, it soon became clear, blood rushing up to my head. there weren’t any members my age; Everyone looked to see my reaction; in fact, none were less than ten years I think they were just as shocked as older than me. This by no means I was. meant they were old, but there was “I know this is kind of a bomb still a great gap between us. dropped out of nowhere, but I’ve Nevertheless I continued to go to thought about it a lot, and it feels meetings and grew to love many right to me.. . .” people in Paris AA, even if they hov- So that’s how I got the news. I was ered over me like mother hens. My moving to Paris the next day and leav- mom and I, although we had moing everything behind – everything. ments where we were ready to kill Christmas Day, we got our bags – each other, became extremely close. which had been packed for a two- But extremely close came to mean week vacation – and set off. No good- very co-dependent: Not only did I isobyes, no furniture, no valuable be- late myself from my peers at school, longings, no photo albums, no great but I did absolutely everything with grandma’s favorite antique dish, no my mother. This situation got worse dogs, no money, no nothing – nothing when, as the months passed, I still except ourselves, our sobriety, and couldn’t find a sponsor who could two suitcases. live up to my sponsor in the States. Our first week in Paris was fuzzy Needless to say, I was growing indue to jet lag. We slept until late after- creasingly lonely as time went on, noon, then hit a meeting at night, and and I couldn’t find a way out. returned to bed only to fall asleep At nine months sober, I could feel

an ulcer forming. I even tried to start days in the morning instead of midsmoking again, after I had quit for day, going to double the amount of over three months (thank God I didn’t meetings, praying on my knees mornsucceed). 1 questioned my sobriety – ing and night and throughout the day, even my life. I knew I wanted to be and accepting the fact that even if sober, and I loved the program, but Paris AA seemed to lack young thoughts started to flash through my people, it would have to do. I started mind like “Well, if you were drinking, feeling better and listening to the you’d make friends really easy . . .” similarities I had with people instead of the differences. I found that the spiritual aspect of the program filled the void I had felt in my sober life. I continued to go to It didn’t happen overnight – for sure. It was, and still is, hard. I miss meetings and grew to the younger people back in the States, and I still don’t socialize much with love many people people my own age. But I know it’s in Paris AA, even okay and it will pass. There are always solutions. For example, a while if they hovered over back I set a goal to earn enough money to go to the Thirty-Fifth Interme like mother hens. national Convention of Young People in AA in Cleveland. I knew that going there would help me keep the faith When my one-year AA anniversary that more young people can arrest suddenly popped up, I knew some- their disease here in Paris as they do thing had to change. Otherwise, there elsewhere. I believe that with this was no doubt I would relapse. Shortly program miracles happen, and thereafter I got a sponsor. I picked a perhaps God has given me the gift of Big Book thumper who wanted me sitting in a well-earned seat as an to call her at 7:30 every morning, and example, so that the next young perthe amazing part was that I followed son will have a less difficult time of her suggestions and did what she said. it, knowing that it is possible to stay It wasn’t long before I was reading sober at fifteen, in Paris AA. the literature constantly, starting my Ariel Z . , Paris, France

September 1993 7

4 : . > 1 q ‘ – 1 -, AA in the ’90s

GENERATION GAP I had to offer as a young person. need our help? What about all this And that’s when I found it, the energy we have? What are we sup- Generation Gap. It was there in my posed to do, calcify?” own home group, just waiting for me was Things were getting pretty tense. I scared. I didn’t like the conflict one member and a few other kids (an atheist among them) to fall in. And fall we did. Con- at all but there was no other group to looks for ways flict grew about every hot topic in go to. I had tired of trying to “find to bridge it AA life – institutions, meetings, treat- my place” in AA and had decided ment centers, drug addicts in the Fel- already this group was my–place. . I lowship, gays a d lesbians in AA, would give what I had to offer here. 1 was born in 1962, so I didn’t understand much of what I heard on TV about the Generation Gap of being judged was overwhelming. I kept testing the people who wanth to help me, trying to discover whether nrnfane language – – u in our discussions, I dug in my heels and said, “This is non-Conference-approved literature my home. I’m not going anywhere. being such a big problem for on our table. No matter what the sub- I have to have a place in AA where or not they expected me to change ject, it seemed our younger group 1 feel comfortable and I want to make everyone. I figured that whatever this for them. They implied they knew Generation Gap was, it was bad, lead- members had great new ideas to try AA comfortable for other people like what was good for me. – and no matter what the subject, our me. Here I am. I’m here to stay.” I’d ing to hurt feelings between people, Then I started thinking. I had been and that I should try as hard as I could older members seemed to think things never made a choice like that before, working the Steps and they were were fine the way they already were. except when I chose to stop drinking. growing up to avoid falling into one. working for me personally. I was still Somehow I managed it. My mom “Of course they’re fine,” the young But I was scared I wouldn’t be able young. I was still a little crazy, eccen- people would say, “but let’s try this!” to stay in AA if I didn’t live it the was one of my best drinking buddies, tric, wild. And I was sober. Being buying me beers during my high “No,” the older ones said in reply, way 1 believe it works for me, so I sober had made me healthier and “there’s no need. We might violate a kept offering my ideas, and so did school years, treating me to aperitifs, more responsible for my life but it sewing me wine and amaretto as I Tradition! There’s too much risk in- the other young folks. And eventually hadn’t actually changed my style. It volved. Better to leave well enough the old-timers got so frustrated they got older. My academic advisor at was my life and I was living the way college was another friend – if we alone.” started another group. And left us. I wanted it. That’s when I really “But nothing’s happening here,” We survived, due to sheer determididn’t share beer at lunch, it was joined AA as a full-fledged member cocaine off her desktop. I enjoyed my the young people chimed back. nation. Over time we’ve nourished a – ready to bring to the program what “What about all those alcoholics who group conscience unified in tolerance relationship with grownups. No problem there. and open-mindedness, by focusing on Then I got sober in 1984 at the age the Third Tradition and by not giving of 22. That’s not very young anymore up. We are, for the most part, younger by AA standards, but at the time I people. We share a common problem was practically the youngest AA in of alcoholism, a common solution in the area. I thought my life was over. the Steps, ant1 we find we can talk To spend an hour a day seven days a openly about our tlifferences without week with old guys and ladies seemed causing confusion, without taking very horrible indeed. But 1 was des- offense. perate, and they welcomed me in their But AA as a whole suffers right old-fashioned way. So I stayed. now fro111the same discord 111y group At times it wasn’t easy. My fear fell into – the widening of the Generation Gap. I recently traveled out of

A A In the ’90s AA in the ’90s –_ state and met several young people and thc Fellowship hecome a personal cially when you’re still young. (two teens and two in their twenties) choice, a ~omtliitlncntto a way of who had be.en to AA and not gone life we want becausc wc &sin: it, not SO my friend shared his questions – and the (1 Need more resistance to his questioning he encountered, back. I asked why and all of them because we are compelled to live it the more he ouestioned AA itself. “What about YOU^ A d V i ~ d said, in their own ways, “because of out of fear. It is the point at which all this cornpaision we’re supposed to have for the intolerance and narrow-mindedness we can discover what we as individuamong members.” als have to offer to AA. We start going One of the young men had been to meetings to give something, not suffering alcoholic?’ His suggestions, his ruminations about the spiritual life, his inquiries about staff member T his letter was m i v e d andunvmdby a at AA’s Gm- God were scoffed at by narrow-minded people. eralService inNew sober in the program for five years – just to receive. We go to change the He felt iudged and rejected. He was having trou- ., + he knew the literature, talked about group by being present with our ble, h a i t<ed to reach out, and was told in so I ” . -.

..Hi, My name is Dave. I having attended many meetings, unique experiences of sobriety, our many uncaring words to go to more meetings and ,drunk right now. I wt about his friends in the Fellowship. own ideas and energy and idiosyn- then get over it. want to drink, but I like the It seems he’d reached that turning cratic selves. We begin to know what It’s no wonder to me that he left AA – and high. I’mdrinkingscotch point in his sobriety which can come the spiritual life really is – to share perhaps he’ll be encouraged to come back some (straight). I got your sdat about five years and was wonder- it more, to explore it with others. day to a fellowship of friends, to a realm of spirit dress out of a mgszine. ing, “Is this all there is? Sobriety’s This young man tried sharing his that is truly broad and roomy. His experience, and I’m 13 Years old and got to be about more than not drinking questions at meetings -his uncertain- that of the other young folks I met, is a powerful just tOthisnsi@orand going to meetings: What about ties and wondering and doubts. He hood. I’ve been drinlring reminder of the importance of all our Traditions – fnmo yen. spiritual growth? Where is God any- was told to “try working the pro- especially the principle of attraction. way? Who am I? What does my life gram,” to “shut up and listen,” to “~answyedyestoatlthe AA is what we, the recovering alcoholics in +,e>tions in the mean? What does anyone’s life “read the “helve and ‘helve. “‘ Of AA, make of it. We are what the suffering alcoholic wmthelp (but I dodt mean? Is this all there is? Am 1 really course he’d reached the place of ask- receives when she or he walks in the door. Is ours want my to u). an alcoholic? And what is AA for?” ing his own questions in sobriety be- a gift worth giving? Of course it is. But we must I live with my mom and He’s twenty-six now, and some of cause he’d actually done these things make it so. I stayed in AA not only for myself, little brother. He M t these questions – the “Who am I? – had grown through the Steps to a but because I wanted to make AA attractive to know about me drialdng a What does my life mean?” pair – are place of wondering and uncertainty other people like me. It took me years and years lot, but haw m e w h a just the sort of things people at his and real potential. It’s also true that to find an older sponsor who can actually accept age are asking themselvesfor thefirst being only twenty-six years old, he “Idon’t like ‘beer’ a ” ‘ me. who likes me as I am, who doesn’t try to wb IodyminlrM time in their lives. These questions still has most of his life ahead of him. change me and who is willing to become part of liquo;. My friendsb.ck are not evidence of a person’s doubt There is a lot he won’t know for a my life and to be my friend., I finally found her – abasI ud to liH in the Higher Power, or of an unwill- long time, and asking questions is the ,an older member of the Fellowship who hates the bugg4 me aboot ingness to work the Steps. Questions best way to find out. So his questions like these from someone his age are were a normal, healthy thing – not a Generation Gap as much as I do. And I’m grateful. I w t sd . pot, but 1 . But will the new kids coming in be willing to wait used to. I smoke dgwttes. evidence of youth and health. problem to be fixed nor an indication six years for this understanding like I did? Should . , ‘9 dig musio, I play ‘*

But the questions “What is AA for? of an active “ism.” we expect them to? ‘drums, bass, radkd:,~,’,a~ Is this all there is? Am I really an I believe that young people need alcoholic?” – these questions, I be- to be supported and encouraged in God will keep us sober, but we have to be willing sgreat : u i t a r e I want t o w rrmsj&ln.. ” $$&pr”: ; to help. Let’s not abandon each other. Let’s keep lieve, are very normal for anyone their questioning. We need to learn learning from each other. And let’s remember we hg. . wWll, b a c k t o . t b e , b ,.- ~ Ineedyoursdulcsc: who’s been sober a while and who’s to trust ourselves and God in scary each have to find our own way in sobriety, in + , ,-+* . ,. come to that point in the program times of uncertainty and transition. when the Steps and the Higher Power There are many of these in life espespirituality, in life. ‘*.” , A. -c.;* – ;,$2:*, j&~& -a* ;-/

Karen L., Chapel Hill, N.C. ‘

January 1995

Youth with other practicing alcoholics. 1 was get rid of my concept of God and bedivorced more than once before I was come as teachable and open-minded as Enjoying twenty-fouryears old. Getting beat up a child who knew nothing. So 1 did. wasn’t unusual. Courtrooms became a Every morning I prayed, “God, I don’t Sobriety part of my lifestyle. I found myself on understand you, but please keep me sober today,” and every night I prayed, federal probation, with mug shots and fingerprints. I received deferred and “God, which I don’t understand, thank suspended sentences. I you for keeping me was in and out of sober today.” I read mental wards, treat- / didn’t want my devotions every morning and I prayed ment centers, and halfway houses – at immediately after- The least twelve that I can recall. Detoxing from to die from ward. I listened to people with sobriety

Great Reality alcohol became common for me. I felt hopeless. alcohol so talkabout the God of their understanding, and I began to realize / did what was Within , Meanwhile, I was in and out of AA for over two years. I just that the OH GO^ of my understanding was very different wasn’t willing to go to suggested=I from theirs. any lengths and I 1 made at least one wouldn’t get honest started reading meeting every day to put at least one hour with myself. Also the

M y name is Anna and I’m an alcoholic. I started drinking at fourteen and by the grace of God I sobered up ten years later. I never drank like a social drinker. The going to get in my way. I felt like a powerful truck. I went to any lengths to get drunk and stay drunk. I felt normal only when I was under the influence and totally inadequate when I was God of my understanding was this big man in a robe, with a long white beard, sitmy Big Book of sober thinking into my mind. – I..got. . .a snonsor. I called her ail the time. I also got ting in a big gold chair a lot of hone numfirst time I drank I continued until I sober. Before I knew it, I had a twentyin heaven, looking down at me. He bers from AA members aid I reached blacked out. Right away, I drank to get four-hour-a-day obsession combined had a book with my assets and liabili- out a lot. This was against my nature drunk. I woke up sick, throwing up, with a powerful compulsion to get ties. I was doomed. In my mind there because I was a loner before I came and not remembering much about the loaded and stay loaded. If I wasn’t inwas nothing I could do to make the into AA. But 1 didn’t want to die from night before. Yet 1 was excited and toxicated I was sick and scheming. Just God of my understanding love and for- alcohol so I did what was suggested. I looking forward to the next time 1 as a car needed gas, I needed alcohol to give me. I was scared of God. I couldn’t started reading my Big Book to the best could get drunk again. function. I turned my will and my life of my ability. My attention span was Before I knew it, I was off and run- stay sober with my old concept of God. over to the care of alcohol, short and it was difficult for me to conning. I wanted what I wanted when I The last time 1 came into AA, on Insane behavior took over my life. I centrate, but I tried and tried. I didn’t September 6, 1982, an old-timer with wanted it and absolutely nothing was lied. I stole. I cheated. i associated only want to die from alcohol. seventeen years of sobriety told me to

Changes took place. I had new God of my understanding, and 1 friends. I wasn’t physically sick any- haven’t found it necessary to drink in more. 1 came to believe that a power over five years. greater than myself could restore me to “We found the Great Reality deep sanity. I took one Step at a time with down within us. In the last analysis it is the guidance of my sponsor. One day I only there that He may be found. It was read the most beautiful lines in the Big SO with us.” Book. These lines helped me form a Anna S . , Fairview, Okla.

April 1995

A s my excitement grows for the upcoming International Convention in San Diego, 1 wanted to share the miracle that happened for me at the last International Concandle out again with a different parent and child team I was again overwhelmed with gratitude and sadness. I said a prayer for my family. The next day I returned home to a vention in Seattle. I was two years message on my phone machine to call sober when I found myself with a cou- my parents. My mother answered the ple of thousand people at the kickoff phone and I asked how she was doing; marathon meeting on Thursday at the answer rings in my ear to this day. midnight. A candle that was to burn She said, “I’m fine, but your dad has for the next three days was lit by a par- joined Alcoholics Anonymous.” ent and child. I was overwhelmingly 1 spoke to my father who said that grateful to be present at the Conven- he was in, had a sponsor, and was dotion and for the incredible gift of so- ing ninety-in-ninety. Dad celebrated briety. Rut I felt great sadness for my four years last July, and my mother family who still suffered. So through joined us in October 1993. Last New my tears of gratitude and sadness, 1 said Years Eve, 1 went to a meeting with a silcnt prayer (as I’m sure did many in both my parents, my brother, and a that room). cousin – truly an experience beyond 1 then proceeded to have the most my wildest dreams. So really I want to outrageous weekend of sobriety, filled thank God and all the members of AA with the joy of the Fellowship. After for the incredible gifts that I continue staying up all night Saturday at the to receive. I also want to encourage dance and marathon meeting, I went anyone thinking about attending the out to breakfast and off to the Sunday upcoming Convention to do all they morning spiritual meeting at the King- can to make it. The miracles abound dome. (I believe there were 48,000 of and the experience is phenomenal. us in attendance that morning.) I was Thank you all for helping a dream already feeling shaky from staying up come true. all night, so when they brought the Bob H., Eugene, Ore.

January 1996

Youth that was designed to fit twenty. I knew out. It didn’t help. That just gave me some of the others from AA functions more free time to experiment with Enjoying but most were strangers and much old- drugs and I took to it with a passion. er -seventeen and eighteen years old. My girlfriend wasn’t making me happy Sobriety I kept my eyes down and my mouth so I broke up with her. That didn’t help shut and told my parents it was fun be- either. Now I was lonely, guilty, and cause I knew that’s what they wanted drunk. Finally I found what the probto hear. I continued to go to Alateen lem was – I was a young progressive for a number of reasons -I kind of en- thinker in a slow old southern city. I joyed it, it made my folks happy, and needed real freedom, so I moved. there were cute girls. As time went on, That was a disaster. Away from those however, I came to be really miserable. who knew me, I went wild. I spent Blessed with I knew all the literature by heart but didn’t know how to work the program eighteen months drinking all the time and taking all the drugs I could find, with my heart. I was quick to give the buy, or borrow. I wound up living alone Memory of best advice but didn’t feel I really belonged and couldn’t bring any of my with no food, furniture, money, or hope. I was so sick that I tried to commit suiproblems to the group. cide. Thank God that didn’t work. My Pain-. ‘ But I found other ways to help me deal with my problems -alcohol and I was out of options, and 1finally returned to my parents’ home. My mothdrugs. At the same time I was becom- er asked if my problems might be ing quite a popular guy around school related to “chemicals” and I honestly hen I was born, my father and very alone. Since I was the middle didn’t think so. I was just depressed. I

W (though I never could figure out why). was a full-blown alcoholic kid (of three), my folks took pains to I was elected president of the school went to a psychiatrist to help me get and my mother was an un- make sure I wasn’t left out or lost as and hated every minute of it. I would out of this depression and after talking treated Al-Anon. However, when I many middle kids are: I thought they have quit but I didn’t know if I could for a while he asked me if I drank. Of was two, my father hit bottom and were justirying to be nice to me be- and still have people like me. course I drank, but not that much. In found the Fellowship of AA, and not cause I wasn’t as good as my brother After dating a real neat gal for a cou- fact I couldn’t remember the last time I long after, my mother found Al-Anon. and sister. ple of years we were engaged. She was had gotten drunk. He suggested that it My house often turned into the local By the time I turned twelve, my going to make me happy. She was a might be a good idea for me not to drtox center since the only treatment brother had been in Alateen for over real early bird, which helped me hide drink because I had the classic sympfacility in the area had a rule that two years. My folks saw how it had my drinking. After I took her home, I’d toms for alcoholism. That was a mighty drunks had to be dry for at least twen- helped him and told me I had to go to go out and get wasted and she never and confusing blow. ty-four hours before they could enter my first meeting. Anything after that knew. While asking myself if it could be treatment. would be my choice. I was not exactly happy at this point true that 1 was an alcoholic, I went to a So I grew up knowing all the pro- When I went to my first Alateen in my life and I started to look for rea- friend’s Fourth of July party. A strange gram’s slogans and philosophy. But that meeting I was petrified. There were sons why. I was twenty years old and thing happened there. I kept putting didn’t stop me from feeling different thirty teenagers crowd4 into this room still living with my parents so that had my empty beer bottles down in one to be it. I needed my freedom. I moved place instead of throwing them in the

Yortb I r J o y I r @Sobrlaty €4 garbage can. When I finished my ing! I was stunned but I knew that this eighth beer in an hour, I realized I was could be no accident. I just thought, just as sober as when I started. 1 had no “Okay, God, you put me here so I’ll lisidea that that was my last drink. ten.” Wonder of wonders, I could I decided it was a good idea for me identify with the people there. to go back to Al-Anon (it had been I’m now almost four years sober two years). I knew where a meeting one day at a time. Things haven’t been was and I made it a point to be there. I all roses but they are certainly not comgot to the church right as the meeting parable to the way they were. God has was about to start and headed for the blessed me with a vivid memory of my room with the lights on and in I went. pain which has helped me on many oc- Just as I sat down someone started read- casions when the thought of escaping ing the Preamble and then “How It pops into my head. Works.” I had gone to the AA meet- Dan R ., Kenner, La.

February 1996 Old-Tlnun and Young Pcopk In AA

Teachable n~ t p r e n k~d l e

M y sobriety date in AA is Sep- covery as an active member of a young tember 10, 1963 (one day people’s group. After 1 shared, the floor before my twenty-first birth- was open for questions and the first day), and my home group during my question came from a young man: first five years of sohriety was the Un- “Yeah, lady, but how old are you now!” der 40 Group in Long Beach, Califor- Then an adolescent treatment tennia. During those years I was almost ter began bringing a vanload of young always the youngest person in atten- people to my home group. We were a dance at any meeting. Therefore, small group, and soon many of us felt some of my friends felt I should be overwhelmed with the influx of very uniquely qualified to work with young young newcomers. One by one the oldpeople coming to the Fellowship. er members began leaving our group to I had one unfortunate handicap attend other meetings in the area, and when it came to this type of Twelfth soon there were only three or four reg- Step work – I didn’t like young peo- ular group members. 1considered leavple! I frequently stated that I hadn’t ing, too. I wasn’t hearing what 1 liked teenagers when 1was one, I didn’t thought 1 needed to hear. Then I relike my children when they were membered our primary purpose – to teenagers, and 1 still didn’t like carry the message to the alcoholic who teenagers. When asked to share with still suffers. young people in AA 1 did so, but nev- But how could I carry the message to cr felt that I was very effective in car- peopie younger than my children rying the message to them. not my message, or what they wanted On one occasion I spoke to a group to hear, but the message of recovery of teenagers in a treatment center for found in Alcoholics Anonymous? adolescents. I stressed my teenage al- What could I say after more than twencoholism and the beginnings of my re- ty years of sobriety that they would re-

late to? What was it that had helped and recovery. me to stay sober one day at a time? I After about seven years, I retired and began with the idea that above all I moved to a new home in another state. needed to be honest with these new- I visit my old area infrequently but alcomers. If there is one thing that will ways return to that old home group. turn off a drunk it is being conned. And on a recent visit what I found So I explained in our group how un- there was what I had found when I first comfortable I was. In doing so, I recog- chose to make the group my home nized that my dislike of young people group. Several of those first young peowas in large part fear of rejection. 1 told ple had stayed sober for up to ten years, the young people that I wouldn’t leave and they’d shared with younger newmy group, that I would stay and try to comers the things they’d experienced. share my experience, strength, and The group is alive and well, and the hope with them. (And I did what I said program is working. I would do; I had learned about com- What did I learn from this experimitment in the program.) ence? That alcoholism is the same re- I was honest about what had and gardless of the age of the newcomer, . had not worked for me, and I tried to and that the principles of the program talk to this group as I would to any oth- still work. I can allow my fears to drive er. I didn’t try to be a pseudo-teenager. me away from the principles of the pro- I recently saw a quotation that I liked: gram no matter how long I have been “Practice what you preach, and then without a drink, but when I become forget the preaching.” Outside the willing to trust God, clean house, and meeting I might be an authority figure, work with others (regardless of age, sex, a parent, an adult. Inside the meeting creed, or other superficial differences), I was another alcoholic, and I shared I still can continue to grow in recovery. . about my experience with alcoholism Mickey H.,SpringviUe, Utah –

February 1996 o l d – n i l l m u d Y ~ p . . p k ~ ~

er, the Fourth and Fifth Steps, and Sometimes I reach out aggressively thingsI should and shouldn’t do to stay as I did with one young woman I sponsober. sor. I first saw her at an early morning

We’K60t w k d t Ym need Sometimes they talked so much I meeting where she was reading to us thought my ears would fall off. But I from a book she had borrowed from her knew they cared and I was staying church library. She did this a couple of sober so I knew they were right. I loved times before I asked her if she would the way they talked to me: right up stay and talk to me after the meeting. front, no games, no foolishness, just the She was sober about a month and truth. had no sponsor. When I asked if she These sober alcoholics gave me would like me to be her temporary things I never knew existed – love, sponsor until she found a permanent time, acceptance, honesty, fun, laugh- one, she said, “Yes.” She is now sober ter, breakfast, showing up, coffee and four years, and we are still sponsee and doughnuts, and me. sponsor. anyone else. I was carrying around a

I n the early days of my sobriety, I asked this guy sitting next to me at a meeting, “Do you think I’m too young to be alcoholic!” “Oh, I don’t know,” he said. “What load of guilt that was killing me, and I hated myself and everybody else. AA taught me how to live my life without taking a drink by teaching me So how do I share my glorious gift of Another woman I sponsor is an alsobriety with young people?How do I coholic and drug addict. When she first reach out to them?What form does my asked me to be her sponsor, I said, Twelfth Step call take in 1996? “No.” She cried so much I said, “Let I attend four or five meetings a week. me talk to my sponsor in Louisiana.” are you: thirty-four, thirty-five maybe?” how to live the Twelve Steps. It gave I am visible, verbal, and available. I My sponsor told me that I could cer- “What!” I shouted. “I’m twenty- me an understanding of the disease 1 celebrate my anniversaries to demon- tainly go through the Steps with her, three.” was living with and how it manifested strate “eternal vigilance” when it share my experience, strength, and “Honey,” he said emphatically, itself in all areas of my being: physical- comes to staying sober. I have a home hope as an alcoholic, and be there “you’re in the right place.” ly, mentally, and spiritually. And it gave group. when she needed me. We agreed that Indeed I was and I am. me a Higher Power other than booze. When called on to talk at meetings I we would talk only about alcohol and Shortly after that, I asked my spon- Becausethe desire for a drink didn’t talk about my AA experiences: how she would attend NA for her drug adsor if she thought I was “too young to leave me for a long time, my fellow al- the Steps work, on a day-to-day basis, diction. She listens, she follows direcbe in AA.” Since 1hadn’t had any luck coholics spent hours and hours and to help me live a sober life. I talk about tions, and she is sober two and a half with “too young to be alcoholic,” I days and days talking to me about the my Higher Power. years. tried “too young for AA.” AA program at meetings, in all-night I hang around after my home group The third woman I am sponsoring is “Kay,” she said, “you are a fortunate coffeeshops, in the park, in the zoo, at meetings and fire off my one-liners: you twenty-three and has over two years of young woman – we’ve got what you the beach – anywhere and every- did good, come back, do you have a sobriety. Two statements she says she need.” She paused a minute and then where, they were there. sponsor, just don’t drink, hang in, hang hates to hear are: “Oh my goodness, said, “Let’s get with it, huh!” They talked about every aspect of tough, here’s my phone number, call you’re so young,” and “You’re only And I “pot with it” -May 22,1962. the Twelve Steps and Twelve Tradi- me anytime. And if they call, that’s twenty!” She says these statements I had no idea how to live without al- tions, the principles, the disease, spon- great; if not, that’s okay too. I don’t make her feel as if she couldn’t make a cohol. I didn’t know how to work, sorship, Twelfth Step calls, establishing have everybody’s message but if we decision about being alcoholic and she cook, eat, talk; care about myself or conscious contact with a Higher Pow- keep them coming back somebody will. couldn’t know the pain and devasta-

tion of acute alcoholism. have to be to die from drinking?Yo!” For my sake as well as the well-being she said, “Gimme respect.” of the women I sponsor I stay within Yo! kid. You’ll get it from me as it what I know. I tell them I’m not moth- was given to me. Young people get my er, sister, favotite aunt, therapist, coun- attention and my understanding for selor, guru, spiritual advisor, AA what they’re trying to do to stop drinkauthority, and sometimes not even a ing and change their lives. I love them friend. I’m just another drunk who because they know they have a probdidn’t drink and didn’t die for thirty- lem with alcohol, and they have the three years and 1 know how to stay guts to do something about it. Alcosober one day at a time in AA. I share holism is not an old person’s disease. my experience, strength, and hope. ~obod gets~ to AA by mistake. Also in order not to cloud the issue Young people need the same accepof getting sober and staying sober in tance, love, understanding, consisten- AA, I stay away from terms such as re- cy and time we give anyone who walks late, relationships, co-dependency, in- through the doors of AA for the first ner child, dysfunctional, adult child of time or after a slip or after twenty-five an alcoholic, drugs, the Bible, etc., etc., slips. I hope by our words, deeds and etc. It is my experience that these con- presence we make it known we are cepts get in the way of learning the AA willing to give them what they need. way of life, and quite honestly 1 don’t The AA I knew back in 1962 told know what they mean in relation to so- me, “Come on in, we’ve been waiting briety. for you, we’ve got what you need.” The Each generation has its own unique AA I know today says, “Come on in, problems; times change, people we’ve been waiting for you, we’ve got change, and language may change. But what you need.” the disease of alcoholism does not If old-timersdon’t tell young people change. It always kills. In thirty-three this, who will? years of sobriety I have not seen this Pass it on. change. Kay P., Beaumont, Tex. The resolution of active alcoholism is death or AA. One time when someone had pulled the “You’re so young” routine on my twenty-year-old sober alcoholic, she asked, “Where in the Big Book does it say you have to be forty or fifty to stay drunk all day?Where is it written there is an age requirement?How old do you

February 1996

life turned inside out and upside down Make no mistake. I’m not talking by a work-related injury. He was men- about a group of self-pitying, bleeding ty years sober, in his early fifties, and deacons. This was no whine and wail, serving as our area’s alternate delegate. group depression meeting. It was about Both his recovery sponsor and I en- finding the solutions within the spiricouraged him to live the Steps and to tual principles of the Steps and Tradishare his experiences with other alco- tions, and passing on that learned holics. So off he went (reluctantly, I experience to the new generation. might add), trying to be as open and ‘ All of us in that workshop had anhonest as he could with other AAs – other common bond: we had all served just as the Preamble suggests. The re- AA as members of the General Service sult?Not an uncommon one in the last Conference, and many of us have re-

T he words of the Preamble, does depend upon those coming to our ten years. He was hit with one verbal ceived the same get-lost-we-know-it- “share their experience, halls today. slap on the hand after another. Exam- all arrogance when attempting to pass strength and hope with each When sharing at AA meetings, 1al- ples? “You’ve been sober twenty years on what we’ve learned from wars of other,” jumped into my head when I ways try to include a thank-you to – you should be able to handle this!” service to AA beyond the horn: group. . read the Grapevine’s invitation in its those old-timers who wrapped their “You’re having difficulties?Your sobri- What I am saying is that there’s a grow- . June 1995 issue. The text? “Old-timers collective arms around me and showed ety must #0/0&@!” Hello?Excuse me? ing personality-based disregard within are the heart and soul of the Fellow- me the way out. Just as importantly, I’m A year and a half ago, at a regional AA today for the lessons learned ship, but young ~ e o p l eare its future. grateful that I was desperate enough to event, I was asked to step in at the last through first-hand experience. How can old-timers reach out to a listen. minute to chair a workshop. The top- The war cry heard at group, district, new generation of AAs?” How, in- Old-timers passed on to me the im- ic was “Walking Through Adversity and area level is, “I’m not sure what my deed? portance of embracing and living the with the Twelve Steps.” Of the three job is. No one stayed around to show Nice idea: old-timers reaching out to Twelve Traditions; they told me that panelists, two were sober more than me.” When those of us who have been a new generation of AAs. But perhaps without adherence to the Traditions, thirty years and had had to contend there attempt to pass on what we’ve another question needs to be addressed our AA groups will die (as my first with extraordinary emotional and spir- learned, the reaction is, ‘Whenare you first. If and I suspect that is a ques- home group did, which is a story in it- itual trauma in the preceding twelve going to rotate?” The information is tionable “if’ – if old-timers do reach self). They taught me, for example, months. They shared that the response thrown away and we’re criticized for out, will the new generation really lis- that while Tradition Three threw W s they’d gotten at the local, home group not knowing how to “let go.” ten? doors wide open, it did not give me the level was no different than the experi- I have no doubt that us old-timers , From my own learned experience I right to dilute AA’s singleness of pur- ence of my service sponsee. One by (whether in years sober or in years in can share that, yes, there are many pose. one, many of the forty AAs in the service) will continue to make the efyoung-in-age.AAs, as well as those So what’s the problem? In the last room confirmed that they, too, had fort, to reach out to the new generayoung in sobriety, who hunger for decade, I have seen first-hand a rapid similar encounters and they shared tion. The question is, will the new knowledge, who want to investigate increase in the harsh rejection and their relief at discovering that they generation stop, look, and listen? Ex- AA’s beginnings, who do make the rude dismissal of AAs sober twenty, were not alone in their painful experi- perience, strength, and hope: 1 hope time for AA in their fast-lane sched- thirty, and forty years-by the newer ences. Not exactly a resounding testi- that’s what we’re still all about. AA’s ules, who do actually read AA’s histor- generation of AAs. About three years monial for the condition of our future depends on it. q ical literature. AA’s future and unity . ago, one of my service sponsees had his meetings. Annernarie M ., Raynham, Mass.

March 1996

with his friends. I was shaking like a stockmarket for years, so 1 pulled my- Youth leaf. He came up to me and hit me in self together and went down to Wall the chest, and I pulled the knife and let Street, where I got a job as a runner on Enjoying the blade out. He stood back. Everyone the floor of the New York Stock Exmoved back and a crowd gathered. I change. It was great there were hun- Sobriety saw he was scared but I wasn’t shak- dreds of functioning alcoholics just like ing anymore. I heard yells for. me to me. I was home. “Stick him” as he moved slowly in my In four months I picked up a job direction. I knew I was capable of stab- with the second largest specialty firm bing him, and he knew it too. Then he on the floor of the Stock Exchange and turned away and went into the class- I was off to the races. There was money room. – and plenty of it: alcohol and drugs Everyone started screaming and and anything else I wanted. In four Like a Fish yelling. I was an instant hero. The older kids (the greasers) wanted me to years I made it to head clerk in the. firm, and by 1986 I was running my start hanging out with them on the own department. to 8 street and in school. They taught me how to drink and later to drug. I took On Wall Street I was king of the hill. But every day after work, I became to alcohol like a fish takes to water. It who I really was – an alcoholic who Water took away all the pain and loneliness in my head. I began to live my life acwanted to die. I was seriously suicidal from 1985 to 1987. I’d cut myself up cording to the mottoes of the times: with a knife, swallow a bunch of antipeace, love, drugs, Jimi Hendrix, and depressants, drink and drug all night, My drinking started in 1968; I was anger – lots of anger. I thought Jimi

I was born and grew up in New York then show up for work in a few hours City and Westchester, N.Y. When thirteen years old. At that time there Hendrix was going to show me how to and do a good job. I had crashed and I was two and a half years old, my was this one guy who liked to beat the get to the “other side” through the burned and didn’t know it; I was on aufather was killed in a plane crash. I hell out of me every chance he got. He lyrics in his songs. Then he died and I tomatic pilot. think that’s when my self-pity and was big and strong, and I was tall and knew he had made it. But I got left be- About a month after I began cutting anger and fear and depression began. skinny. One day while I was walking to hind. myself and hiding it, my mom came to As far back as I can remember, I school, I was stopped by this older kid By age nineteen, I was a functioning my apartment one day when I wasn’t never felt quite right in the head. who used to come to our school just to alcoholic. I worked and partied and home, found one of my bloody T-shirts, Everything around me had a sense of hang out. He asked me if I was tired of took a few courses in a local communi- and freaked out. I had been taking anunreality to it -a This-can’t-be-hap- getting beat up, and 1said yes. ty college, and after four years I got my tidepressants, talking to my shrink, and pening tint. It was like a dream in He said, “Then use this,!’ and hand- two-year accounting degree. drinking – all the while being comsomeone else’s head, or a nightmare in ed me a switchblade. I finally had a de- In 1980 I was sick of working in the plimented as one of the most highly remy mother’s head. The shrinks call this fense! restaurant I’d worked in for eight years spected and hardest workers on the feeling “detachment,” and that’s how I I waited outside homeroom class while going to school. I wanted to floor of the New York Stock Exchange. spent most of my life -never feeling with a couple of my friends, and my make some serious money. I’d been iso- After five years of skipping along an connected to anyone or anything. tormenter finally catqe down the hall, lating myself and reading about the emotional and physical bottom, I saw

the handwriting on the wall. drinking the night before and haven’t I knew I couldn’t work on the floor drunk since. and drink any longer. So in 1990, after I’ve been through a lot and it’s all ten years on Wall Street, I threw my my fault – pride, self~hness,self-cenjacket and tie on the subway tracks and teredness. I’d like to get to the point left. I told my associates, “Always leave where I can get past all the stuff in my when you’re on top” – but I knew 1 head and say “one day at a time” or was at the bottom. “everything’s not okay, but that’s okay” Two years later, in March 1992, I ar- and mean it. But I have a foundation, rived in Florida bumt out and sick. My and that’s my faith in God and leamdrinking was coming to an end (I had ing to live the Steps. That’s all that stopped doing pot and coke in 1985). saved me in the beginning and contin- By May I was in rehab, and on July 8, ues to save me now. 1992, I walked into AA. I had quit Rick P., Smasota, Fla.

April 1996′

of years in AA trying to make my own ing. A young woman spoke, revealii a story sound tougher and longer and as story that, as usual, was fifty million violent as I could without actually times worse than mine. Happily lying. enough for me, however, God caused Two and a half years ago I became my ears to hear her story a little differactive in canying the message behind ently that night. The first part of her the walls at a women’s prison. I found story could have been my own. What even less identification there, but it I heard was that hers continued. kept me grateful that the doors were There is a well-loved AA speaker closing behind me, and not on me. who visits this area from time to time, Currently, I serve as the outside spon- and she tells of our deaths having been sor for this facility. Sadly enough, it intempted by the priceless gift of soisn’t uncommon for the outside AAs briety, alcoholism being a progressive, to fail to appear. We’ve taken to occa- fatal disease. God allowed me to realsionallyhaving our own speaker meet- ize that night that my sobriety is only Interrupted ings in the case of such an event, one inmate chairing and three others an interruption in the rest of that story that could well be my own. telling their stories. These meetings are So I no longer begrudge my young incredibly powerful and moving expe- age at the time I got sober. I no longer riences (the kind that really keep you need to creatively embellish my story hooked on prison work). to feel like I fit in here. Now I joyously

“M y name is Chris, and I’m group, I did all the right things on the an alcoholic.” This was outside. But inside, I was never quite the first thing I learned sure that I really fit in here. I was too how to say when I came here. Believ- young. I hadn’t been through enough. ing it, however, was an entirely differ- On one recent Thursday night, it was my privilege to be at such a meetcelebrate the fact that God has given me nearly eight years in this program. Chris B.,Nonuood, Mass.

Many, many times I’d heard recited ent story. from the podium the prices other alco- I first came to AA at the age of holics had paid to be here: broken marnineteen, which is not unusual by to- riages, car accidents, lost homes, prison day’s standards. I chose to believe that sentences. None of these had hap.. it was, however, especially when so pened to tnc. Even the stories of other many people said how good it was to young people in AA seemed to he see the young people. Here was some- worse than mine. I was told to identify thing that my alcoholic ego could de- and not compare. I learned to put the light in: the spotlight of terminal word “yet” into my speech. I knew that uniqueness. 1 basked in that rich glow, my drinking even then was “no mere proud of the fact that I was my group’s habit,” so I stayed here, but I didn’t youngest member at the time. I had a identify with most of the experience good sponsor, I got active with my shared at meetings. I spent a number

May 1996

ing buddies and met Joe. I ran away to same time. I would go to meetings and Youth Oregon with him. Joe was arrested and talk the talk, but outside of the meet- I was put into a foster home. I ran away ings I would go to parties. I wasn’t Enjoying from there after iust three hours, and drinking, but the way I was behaving found myself ;otally you’d never have Sobriety alone and broke. I sold 1 known it. I tried to my body for $50.00 and lead two separate lives, some alcohol. The next but eventually my morning I hopped on a God-consciousnessgot bus and went to live to me. I couldn’t go on. with my alcoholic father, I was depressed and thinking my problem all confused. I was once along had been my over- again living my pro- Progress controlling mother who was interfering with my life. Three weeks later I gram, and it wasn’t working. Todav I tw to live found myself in a group I the A~ one home for vouth. based o n action and My last drunk was at my father’s honesty. I’ve’ come to know a peace house. I’ve been sober over fours years and serenity that used to elude me. ?he now. I’m nineteen years old and in my promises are starting to come true for second year of college. 1 sponsor two me. I’m so grateful for the God of my young women and attend a minimum understanding, my new sponsor, and started drinking at the age of blackout. I was raped one night after a for four AA meetings a week. the AA members who guide me.’ My

I twelve. My weekends were filled party, too drunk to fight back. Anothwith parties and driving around er night I overdosed on drugs. The alwith friends getting drunk. I learned cohol no longer allowed me to escape, quickly that if I hung around with old- but instead kept me as its prisoner, the My first year of college was a big transition. I found myself trying to be an “upstanding AA member” and a wild, reckless college student at the life is still very unmanageable in some. areas, but it’s getting better one day at a time. S . M.,Brookmgs, S.D. er guys and flirted with them I got as old tapes running over and over again much alcohol as I wanted. I liked the in my mind. feelings of excitement and escaping My mom and my counselor did an from myself. I wanted to be twenty, not intervention and put me into an adotwelve. I didn’t want my mom ruling lescent treatment center soon after I over me and interferingwith my drink- turned fourteen years old. Afterward, I ing and my social life. got a sponsor and started attending After only two years of drinking, I AA meetings. I stayed sober off and on crossed that invisible line into alco- for over a year, and ihen drew away holism. The summer before my fresh- from all my AA connections. man year in high school was one big, I started hanging around old drink-

May 1996

Hope springs eternal F m SprinpiIle, Utoh: enthusiastic group of people enjoy- 1just enjoyed reading the August ing life in sobriety. Thanks for all the years of great Grapevine and felt I should write to express my appreciation for the fea- sharing through the Grapevine. I’ve ture on Youth Enjoying Sobriety. been a regular reader for thirty-two While I am no longer a young years now -and I don’t think it is person and have even been referred a coincidence that this is also the to as an “old-timer,” it’s important length of my sobriety! When life’s for me to remember that my drink- problems seem overwhelming I can ing career spanned the years from almost always find hope in the pages age thirteen to twenty, and I got of “our meeting in print.” sober one day before my twenty-first Mickey H. birthday! That was on September 10,1963. By today’s standards this isn’t very young, but during my early years of sobriety I was usually the youngest person in every meeting. I kept waiting for someone to tell me I was too young, but no one ever did! I was fortunate that my introduction to AA was in my first home group,.the Under 40 Group in Long – Beach, California, which was an

June 1996

I don’t ever recall saying that I was lief that amends were an action and Youth sony. We both just explained to each not a simple apology. He had told me other where we were coming from. For that my actions would speak louder Enjoying the first time in my life I saw that my than my words. father was very human. I’d always pic- Finally, a couple of years later I was Sobriety tured him as a person who was there to on a hike with my father when I sudlecture me about my grades not being denly felt the need to thank him for good enough. something. I wanted to thank him for About a vear and never questioning a a half later he invit- difficult decision I ed me on a family vacation to a local For the first had made to leave a family function in national park, a order to go to an place we’d been to time in my life AA meeting. His re-. years before when I sponse was that he

Action. was still drinking. While we were there I made an effort to 1 saw that had never seen someone change to the extent that I had spend as much time my father ‘ and that he attributed it to my particas I could with him. ipation in

R ecently a lot of changes have for us to take a home pass. We hiked, went fishbeen happening in my life. One day my mother suggested that ing together, and was very Alcoholics Anony- During times like these I am I take a pass with my father since I usu- even attended a mous. Basically he often forced to take a look at the way things were at one time in my life and ally took them with her. Of course I hadn’t thought of that. And so I did campfire sing-along program. human felt that if AA allowed him to have to compare them with the way things just he and I. Lwas a little nervous be- Upon returning his son back in his are today. As always, I am quite im- cause I’d never spent that much time from the trip, he told life, he didn’t want pressed with the impact that the with him alone in my life up to that me that he wanted to k e e ~ me from it. Twelve Steps have had on my life. point. to talk to me before I went home. He All of these instances remind me of But one particular change really After he picked me up, we went to explained to me that if I had any doubt one thing -the power of God and the stands out in my mind. 1 was remind- his house. We decided to spend the in my mind that 1 still owed him Twelve Steps to change a person’s life ed of it recently while I was standing entire day together talking, so the first amends, as far as he was concerned from one of utter despair, loneliness, next to a lake that my father used to thing we did was take a long walk they were made. He also told me that and disaster to one of peace, joy, and 1’~ v eon. around the lake near his house. That he loved me and respected my way of usefulness. Since that day by the lake, This lake signifies the place where was the first time I ever remembered life. The way of life he was referring to our relationship has grown stronger my amends to my father began. At the spending so much time talking to my was the one I had been learning in Al- and deeper. He is truly one of the best time I was only fifteen. It was during father. I don’t even remember what coholics Anonymous for the last year friends that I have in my life. I thank my second stay at a treatment program was said, but I believe it was the be- and a half. At this point in my sobriety Alcoholics Anonymous for this. for alcoholism. Part of the program was ginning of my amends to him. I realized the truth in my sponsor’s be- Erik R.,Santa Ana, Calif.

July 1996 ‘f’ –

crack jokes about what he said but I some good years of partying left and Youth couldn’t. Although his circumstances that AA could wait until things got were different, his message hit me in worse. Also, I thought my f d y d Enjoying the gut. I knew right then and there be humiliated if it was known I was in that I was an alcoholic. My friend and AA. It didn’t occur to me that my fam- Sobriety I, however, left the meeting and went ily would be more humiliated if they out drinking as usual. knew about my drunken behavior and But I had a nagging feeling that I that the money they were paying for should go back. I didn’t realize it, but my education was being wasted. How I the meeting we’d at- managed to graduate tended was in a / wanted with halfway decent halfway house. I re- grades is still a mystery turned to the meeting to wait, to me. solo, having again im- I wanted to wait, to bibed Prior to my ar- postpone AA until rival. I must have to p ~ ~ t p ~ n e t h i n g s g o t ~ x s rThey shown some outward did. I didn’t go to ansign of intoxication AA until other ‘AA meeting for because the counselor ‘six years. By that time, spotted me immedi- I was drinking heavily ately and requested things on a daily basis, and

I was a full-blown alcoholic by the time I reached college. I did my heaviest, most dangerous drinking at this time. Blackouts were a routine occurrence, so much so that my friends I was so ashamed of my behavior. Most of my friends drank like I did. Those who didn’t sooner or later joined the ranks of people I’d alienated over the course of my drinking career. that I come to his office with him. Calmly, gently, and without judgment, he spoke to go f Worse. They did. very sick physically, mentally, and spiritually. I looked at those twenty questions again. I could now respondafme about alcoholism and I joked about having topiece to- One day a friend came up to me and and AA. I can’t recall firmatively to all wengether what we’d done the previous said, “I think I might be an alcoholic.” exactly what he said, but I do remem- ty. I won the prize -a sober, useful life! night. Promiscuous, bizarre, -andvio- I said, “I think I might be one too.” ber going over the twenty questions I’m grateful for that early experience lent behavior was the norm for me She asked me if I’d like to go with her with him. I could answer affirmatively of AA during college. It says in the when drunk, whicli was almost daily. I to an AA meeting and I agreed. It was to about fifteen of the twenty. A yes “Twelve and Twelve” that “when one began having the homfying experience 1983 and I was twenty years old. answer to more than three says that alcoholic had planted in the mind of of waking up in a strange place, not Of course I had to have a few beers you are definitely an alcoholic. I knew another the true nature of his malady, knowing whose house I was in, what before I went. We attended a speaker it was true. The counselor gave me an that person could never be the same town I was in, or how I got there. Even meeting. The speaker was about sixty AA schedule book and I took it be- again.” It could have taken decades for though I was usually able to laugh and years old, male, and when I took my cause 1 knew I’d be needing it someday. me to get to AA, had I not known that joke about my escapades, I really first look at him, I wondered what I I have it to this day. “there is a solution” from my first introwished I could walk around campus could possibly have in common with Meanwhile, peer pressure and the duction to the Fellowship back in 1983. with a paper bag over my head because shim. I was prepared to ridicule and disease convinced me that I still had Sheila N., New Britain, Conn.

July 1996

Nothing new From Rnleigh, N.C.: sober ever since. Thank God I I really enjoyed reading the wasn’t told I was too young to be an alcoholic. I was given the same soh- ~~b,.,,~~,,special section called “old- ~i~~~ and youngpeople in AA.” tion to my problem that was given However, I’ve never understood the myths 1hear around AA that all our the early members **. J q W. early members were older in age and that younger members are something new to our Fellowship. Our basic text, Alcoholics Anonymow, which was published in 1939, talks about young drinkers clearly in chapter three. It also mentions (on p. 33) that “several of our crowd, men of thirty or less, had been drinking only a few years, but they found themselves as helpless as those who had been drinking twenty years.” Clearly, young people are nothing new. They’ve been around since our beginning. I attended my first AA meeting in July 1989 when 1was twenty-two – years old, and I’ve been continously

August 1996

of “controlled” drinking, 1 too was con- mated newcomers transformed into liv- Youth vinced: I was powerless over alcohol. ing vibrant human beings who have It’s been sixteen years and one day found a God of their understanding. Enjoying since my last drink. Tonight I’m as- Of course problems do come. I’ve signed to an air base in Saudi Arabia felt more pain sober than I’d ever al- Sobriety and I’m reflecting on my many bless- lowed myself to feel while drinking. 1 don’t always see the purpose of these ings (yes, there are meetings here too). Wow, what a journey its been! I fin- struggles, but by the grace of God I’ve ished high school and became an army leamed not to fight as much and try to musician, then a helicopter pilot. I learn from them. went on to graduate college and be- Willingness to take the Twelve came an air force fighter pilot. Steps, the gift of a working faith, and 1 can’t begin to relate the joy and fellowship with AA members all over Supersonic discovery of living sober. Or the blessings of a family, a wonderful wife of the U.S. and half a dozen other countries has given me one more day of sotwelve @ars and three adoring daugh- briety, for which I am very grateful: ters who have never seen their father The next fifty years is as unfathomable drunk. Or the absolute assurance that as the day I first walked into AA. God is God and I am his. Even soaring What’s different today?The difference at supersonic speeds doesn’t compare is hope. with the excitement of seeing deci- Lon W., Henderson, Nev. walked into kyfirst meeting when 1 nothing to look forward to but anoth-

I was sixteen years old, lonely, sick, er day of not drinking. It’s sadly huafraid, and looking to find a way to morous as I think back to the drink and still survive. Of course, I “excitement” of my last year of drinkdidn’t tell the AA members that. I ing – sitting alone, pouring down quickly leamed how to parrot the right drinks as if t~ satisfy.a great thirst, atwords and convinced myself that a lit- tempting to reach my goal of isolated tle AA, combined with a redoubling of oblivion. I couldn’t imagine life withwillpower, would enable me to control out alcohol. my drinking and find release from my Perhaps the only thing I did right pain. was keep coming back. I thank God for You see, there were few very young the love and patience of those won- AAs in east-central Iowa in November derful old-timers. Even when I attend- 1978, and it was clear to me that the ed meetings drunk, I was never . old-timers had very little to lose if they rejected. In fact, it was among these gave up drinking forever. But I’d have “old” folks that I first felt a sense of to trudge through a boring existence genuine belonging. for another fifty to sixty years with Then it happened. After six months

September 1996

When I awoke, I vomited, and prayed thought I had a problem with alcohol. I Youth to God that I’d never drink again. I said no. Less than a year later, my cousin was In fact, the older kids at school Enjoying holding my legs as I reached through called me the “Little Alcoholic.” I the window of the drive-through liquor loved the attention, and thought that Sobriety store to grab a bottle of whiskey. We re- if the way I felt when 1 drank is what turned at noon and pulled a case of an alcoholic was, I couldn’t be more beer out of the back of happy to be one. the store. The manag- I had my dad’s muer came after us, and ‘Id to sic class first period

‘Happy Birthday – my cousin got caught but feigned extreme regret and a phony name and got off. Ninth grade. I was every morning. The S C ~ O O ~ other kids in the perdreaming cussion section said things about me, but my father pretended You’re an working as a lifeguard at the pool across the about being not to hear. I was the black sheep of the , family, causing disapstreet. I’d been drinking all night, and I a TV pointment upon diswoke up excited about appointment for my the fact that my p a r character. parents. My brother

What I t Was Like In third grade, I went up to the new ents were out of town. I decided – for the first time – to only have one, then go to ‘wanted to and two sisters were A students, popular. 1 played bas guitar after school and turned it high school that was being built and work and come back be anybody up loud enough so the

I had my first drink at age eleven, but even before then I can remember feeling that I just didn’t fit in. Before my fifth birthday, I’d figured out that death was inevitable. I remember smashed shelves full of glass jars with nails in them, and cut open all the cement bags and dragged them across the floor, struggling against the weight. later to finish the 0ther five cans. I came in drunk, having consumed it all, and was but me. jocks playing basketball could hear it. I discovered I had a knack for it. I’ll be a Why?I had thought it was fun, exhila- pulled out of the life- rock star, I thought, crying, afraid that “God” was coming rating, but today I know that I was a guard chair by the head guard. I was rolling back into town someday in a to get me. My older brother and his sick, angry kid. now on probation and a man came to black limo. Then they’ll be sorry. I befriends were teasing me, sitting on top My first drink was brandy and warm see me. His name was Rick, and in the gan to practice daily. of a fence which was too high for me lemonade. I can still remember the small North Dakota town where I When I was eighteen, we moved to to get to them. Fear. Anger. Resent- taste, like warm bile, but I drank it lived, he was something of a mystery, Oregon, my parents thinking they ment. I’d walk to school dreaming anyway. The music on the tape player having been a much-gossiped-about should get me away from my environabout being a TV character. I wanted which I had previously haied began to drunk who, according to rumor, hadn’t ment. Our first night in our new home .to be anybody but me. sound good. I felt adult. More drinks. had a drink for two years. He asked if I I got drunk and got lost. Subsequently,

I was drunk in front of the TV almost laughed, took lots of drugs, and joked the bikers were throwing drugs around. stayed up late talking to me while I was nightly. My father hid his bottles from that we were “happy alcoholics.” We This was great -women, booze, drugs. drunk, but as I began to sober up 1 deme by putting them in the garage, and had a crowd of fair-weather friends. I I was the center of attention. I had ar- cided I was probably not that bad and I I had many nightly episodes of looking joined a band. One by one, our friends rived! tried to forget the desperation I had for them, finding them, and carefully got expelled but I managed to hang in, When I was home again I played the felt. checking the marks he’d placed on the drinking my quarts of beer every night time game: got a quart and drank it, I met a woman in a bar. She had a bottle. I always ended up watering in my room, and putting in as little ef- tortured myself over getting another, daughter. Soon she had a fifth waiting them down too much. fort as possible. made the walk down to the 7-1 1, went for me every night. What a gal! I A year later, I broke into my parents’ Then I lost my driver’s license be- home and drank. By now it was after moved in. My mother told me 1 had to bedroom, sobbing, “Mom, Dad, I’m an cause of drinking and spent two days in one in the morning. I finally made the get married – it was unfair to the little alcoholic, and I need you to help me!” a real jail. I hated it and swore I would dash to the store, fearing that the clerk girl. Once, the child tried to put the I was drunk of course. They told me never, never, never go to jail again. I would think I was an alcoholic. I got a cap on my bottle of booze. I thought it that I was not an alcoholic and to sleep remember my mother’s crushed look, bottle, tucked it under my coat lest was cute but was secretly disturbed. She it off. There were no drunks in our fam- my dad’s glaring look, as they took me someone see me, and went home to and her mother tried to wake me for ily! home. Something had to change. I de- drink to oblivion. I found I had to the Fourth of July fireworks, but I was I went to college at their insistence. cided to stop driving. drink to get to sleep, otherwise name- out cold. When I awoke, I felt terribly There I met Dave. On the first night, That worked for a while. Then I less fears plagued me. I made late night guilty. Another drink fixed that. we overturned all the tables in the dropped out of college and went on the phone calls to AA. I got understand- I was playing a gig ,on my twentycafeteria. We were soul mates. We road. The first night in some biker bar, ing people on the other end. They fourth birthday, having my drinks

brought up to the stage. But I couldn’t wife called them and had me cut off. After promising once again I an AA meeting that night, hiding at cut it anymore. Later I told my fiancee, She tried to drag me to treatment sev- wouldn’t drink, I went to a gig with the top of the stairs and silently pray- “I think I’m alcoholic.” She said, “I eral times, but I reacted like the An- every intention of not drinking and ing for help. What 1 heard that I clung * know. I had a dream last week where I tichrist getting pulled into church. It came home drunk, as I had a thousand to was “You don’t have to live like that was bringing you a cake and I said, terrified me. times before, to the sobs of my wife up- anymore.” ‘Happy Birthday – you’re an alco- My wife went to treatment. I tried to stairs. “OK,” I told her. “I’ll go to treat- I was ordered to go to four AA meetholic.’ ” dissuade her. “You’re not the one with ment.” ings a week. I made seven. One of the I decided to stop drinking and go to the problem, I am.” It took months, however, since no men at the house told me I’d never AA. I walked to the meeting, my chest But Al-Anon had told her to do “respectable” place had an opening. I make it. I couldn’t sleep at night and killing me. I remember something about her truly became desperate and came to be- was filled with sick thoughts and namenothing. I got home. What / heard problem. She came lieve I wasn’t going to recover. I took less fears. If my problem was alcohol, 1 My chest was worse so home and kicked me my daughter’s pennies to a bar and could get sober and life would be bet- I went to a doctor. It out. I lived with my sis- poured them on a bar counter. I had a ter, right? I saw men in detox shaking was a collapsed lung. that ‘lung ter and took my bike friend tell me that he pulled a whiskey apart like leaves. 1 began to wonder if They blew it out and up to the market to get bottle out of my hand one morning I was too young; maybe I wasn’t a “real” put me on pain killers. onto Was my booze, filling up my and 1 awoke to have an animated, alcoholic. I was no longer drink- socks and coat, and rid- pleasant conversation with him before I saw new people come in, most ing but now I became an addict. No AA for . “YOUdon It ing down to an empty ball field where 1 drank he left for work. I remembered noth- much older than I was. They all said ‘ ing. One day I had one beer during the same thing:.”I’m not really an alme. 1knew how to stop beneath the bleachers. practice and stumbled into the wall. I coholic.” “My case is different because – it was called nar- ha ve to live I saved the last one and was drunk after one little beer. 1 . . .” cotics. I made my wed- popped it just as I I ended up going to a recovery house After two weeks I had a secret plan ding sober and out of like that walked into the house since the centers were all full. I was to get out and play a “breakthrough gig” pills, so I ate a bottle of so when they smelled only twenty-six, but I knew the only at a concert, for some has-been big over-the-counter cold anymore ” the h z e on me they’d hope for me was to lock myself away names. I told my drummer, a dealer, medicine, as was my think it was because I’d someplace. I walked in and saw men that I’d be there. My wife told me not wont when all eke fiils. – just opened one. who -looked down and out. This to bother coming hdme if I left the re- I was increasingly violent, smashing I awoke one day in a room filled couldn’t be for me -this scruffy clap- covery house. So did my “keepers.” The furniture, driving like an idiot when with bottles. I’d tried to commit suicide trap of a dive. I told the counselor I’d guys at the house all said to “follow my angry. I went to a class for violent men; and failed. I remember looking into a stay two weeks, tops. He said sixty days. dreams.” I listened to the concert ad- I went to a psychiatrist. I had vague re- mirror and having this thought with My wife was next to me. I said yes. vertised on the radio every night. I was ligious leanings, thinking I would go up perfect clarity: “If the eyes are the mir- forced to make a decision. I decided to into the mountains and get the answer. ror of the soul, then mine is dead.” I What Happened stay. I went to sleep, defeated. I began to go on periodic binges, always weighed 120 pounds, was bleeding That was the turning paint in my

I life. I decided to turn my will and my intending to just have one but ending nasally and anally, and heard strange remember sitting in my room, up the night still drinking, feeling music in my ears. I went to AA, said alone. I was afraid. 1 desperately life over to the care and direction of ashamed when others said I was crazy funny things, and continued to drink. wanted to stop hurting my family. I God. I remember waking up, looking for wanting more. I had many doctors I did things at home like sticking a had spent so many years wishing I were out my window and seeing a big oak supplying me with pills. One day my shotgun in my mouth and’fantasizing. dead, and now it seemed I was. I sat in tree. I had this thought: “If a tree can

grow to be so big, healthy, and beauti- that no matter what happened, Don’t kind of thinking got me nowhere. To- putting people’s poetry to music. It ful without booze or drugs, so can I.” Pick Up That First Drink. day I pray to understand them and find makes others happy and refines my There was a total, clean feeling inside I listed those whom I had harmed. I peace. I guess running away is what I skill. I don’t allow myself to fantasize me for the first time in my life. I felt a made amends. I got a job and held it was trying to do for all those years, to with grandiose dreams; 1 try to live in joy inside, a promise of hope. I made all for the first time in my life. I was self- stay in a painless place – like Peter the now, for that’s where God resides. vegetation my higher power and was supporting. No more glamour; I was Pan, never having to grow up. AA has I let my music-making go for over four able little by little to let go of the old, employed taking care of handicapped made me grow up and face life, to years because the old ideas were too fearful ideas. God must have wanted adults. I took a nightly inventory. I was move forward, to have the courage to strong. Then an old-timer told me it me sober. in service and had placed my recovery grow and change. I have not arrived, was time to share my talents. I’m join- I returned home, afraid I would fail. I in AA above all else. 1had to or all else but I’ve learned to enjoy the journey. ing a softball team this summer with went to many meetings and found a was lost anyway. When my thinking is out of sorts, I find my sponsee, who has had some of the sponsor. He told me that I never had someone who’s hurting and make the same experiences that I have. We are to drink again. This was my hope. Bob What It’s Like Now effort to help. Like magic, my percep- willing to move past our old ideas and made me take my inventory, and I was tions are restored. enjoy life today. Self-seeking does inafraid of what he would think of me when he heard it. I said, “I’m not going to go through with these Steps unless you can assure me that I won’t have to I have almost seven years now without a drink or any mind-altering chemical of any sort. I have a home, a wife who trusts me, three children I still make music, writing and recording songs. Recently I started deed slip away. Mike S., Port Angeks, Wash.

drink again.” He told me I’d drink if I (two adopted in addition to my wife’s didn’t. My wife found my Fourth Step daughter). I belong to a group that is and read it. I was furious. She was hurt enthusiastic and studies the Big Book and angry. I told her, “If this is AA, to and the Traditions. I have structure in hell with it!” Leaving in a huff, I re- my life. I’ve learned the value of disciturned only to make reluctant amends, pline in my life. I’ve seen the power of but make them I did. I was becoming God in my life and the lives of others. willing. Before, I w a totally self-centered, a 1 did my Fifth Step. My sponsor child who couldn’t see beyond his own shared some of his life with me, and 1 needs and wants. My own pain kept found out I wasn’t as unique as I me in a self-imposed prison. Today, I’m thought. I got willing and went to a part of a whole, and in this have found football field and got on my knees in completeness. the moonlight. I asked God to remove I know that unless I resurrender to my defects of character. I went home this program of action, I too will be. to tell my wife. She didn’t understand. come a statistic. I believe I take those I told her that God had now removed first three Steps every time I go into a all my defects of character! We fought, meeting. I left. I came back and made amends. I I used to pray that my parents would had to be willing to go to any length. come to embrace my alcoholism, for it And my sponsor had drilled into me hurt that they didn’t understand. That

quirements for membership. I only I leaped from dependency to depen- Youth needed the desire to quit drinking. But dency until I found the ultimate isolaeven though I continued going to tion from reality: alcohol combined Enjoying meetings, I kept drinking. with thoughts of suicide and many at- It took me five months to get serious tempts to carry this desire out. My life Sobriety about the program, and several more was truly insane and unmanageable. months to surrender to the fact that I After months of sobriety I could finalwas an alcoholic. But I finally quit ly appreciate that what other members drinking. A series of personal revelations had been telling me was true – it appeared during this time. One of these doesn’t matter what you drink, when was that I was an alcoholic because I you drink, how much or how long. couldn’t control the urge to drink – What matters is what happened to me something so simple, yet so easy to deny when I did drink. Now, with a little

Dependency when you’re still drinking. I only heard it when I was ready to listen. The biggest thing I realized, howevover a year of sobriety, nothing prevents me from taking that first drink like knowing my life literally depends er, was that I was an alcoholic from the on it, no matter how old I am. first drink I ever took. Before drinking ~MissyE. , St. Louis, Michigan

Eh ntering AA at age twenty-one, having drunk for only two years, I ew there was no way I could be an alcoholic. After all, I wasn’t old enough to be one, and I definitely my denial), I still felt very loved and very much at home. I thought my life problems were much worse than others’ problems; I’d been trying to commit suicide for years before I started hadn’t had enough time to slip into drinking.i also noticed my drinking what I thought was an “alcoholic stories paled in comparison to everystate.” At twenty-one, I was invincible. one there. Many had drunk as But AA meetings were the only teenagers; I didn’t start until I was shred of hope left for me. Recently re- twenty. Most had been in some kind of leased from the psyche ward of the lo- trouble; I’d never been pulled over for cal hospital for being suicidal, I was drunk driving or any of the other typidesperate to find some meaning in my cal problems. And even though drug life. So I took the suggestion of a friend abuse isn’t an issue in AA, I knew sevin Alcoholics Anonymous and went to eral members were also addicted to a meeting. Soon I’d gone to several. drugs, and I’d never even used them. Although I didn’t believe I was an al- What I didn’t understand at the time coholic like those other people (part of was that none of these’ things were re-

December 1996

was placed on probation for unruliness. coming a disaster, I entered a long-term Youth I followed the probation rules in the treatment center at the age of sevenbeginning but continued to drink. Af- teen. I was shown and began to be Enjoying ter a month or two, I began to break aware of my problems with alcohol and the rules of probation and suffered the what alcohol had cost me. I also be- Sobriety consecluences. such as being on house arrest Hnd doing time came willing to admit that I was powerless over alcohol in detention centers. and that there was a By this time my drink- Hieher Power and ing had accelerated I started othvers who could help me. I wanted to greatly. After a ten-month go to any length and period of being given drinking to get ask for any help that many opportunities by would keep me sober my probation officer to away from my one more day.

Learning change, I continued to rebel. When I was sixteen, treatment was family and I began to get on my knees and pray ,- every! morning and the last resort for my might, and continued rebellious behavior. to keep in touch with While in treatment, I rebel against my Higher Power. learned a lot about the Today I’m learning disease of alcoholism and was introduced to my parents’ the tools and I continue to go to meet-

M y name is Kyle S. I’m seventeen years old and a slowly recovering alcoholic. At the age of about twelve, I began to drink occasionally with friends. As time went could not achieve. My dad always made me play sports and disciplined me, to the egreme, for everything I did wrong in life. (There was, however, no alcoholic history in my family.) Alcoholics Anonymous but I didn’t acquire the tools to stay sober. After completing the treatment, I expectations and rules ings regularly. I talk to my sponsor frequently. I meet and talk to sober people every day, people who on, I came to believe that drinking was I started drinking to get away from wanted to stay sober are willing.to share something everyone did. As I started my family and rebel against my par- but thought I could do their experience, drinking, 1 figured out how the effects ents’ expectations and rules. I started it the way I felt was strength, and hope .of alcohol helped fend off my bad feel- skipping school regularly. When 1 did necessarv. I went back with me. I’m very ings at the time. I was brought up very attend, I didn’t participate and my to my old friends and places, thinking I grateful for the people God has put in well in a normal, middle-class family, grades went down. I also began to stay could deal with them. I stopped going my life; I don’t know where I’d be withbut there were problems in communi- away from home for long periods of to AA meetings. It took two weeks to out all of them. God gives me the gift cation throughout the whole family. time. When I did return home, it was get back to where I was before and con- of each day and 1 need to accept it as it Also, there were always high expecta- never on time. After a few years of be- tinue the downhill slide, but at a faster comes. tions from my father, which I felt I . ing out of the control of my parents, I pace. After living a life that was be- Kyk S .,Colurnbw,Ohio

December 1996

Room for Us ratio as men -young and older alike. of the Fellowship. Certainly there is Perhaps the two most dramatic room for everyone – new and older changes that took place within AA a alike. New members benefit immensenumlw of yciirs ago were I ) the refer- ly from the longtimer who can share rals that came from the courts, hcalth his or her experience, strength, and agencies, business and industry, and hope with the new members. And from probation departments; and 2) longtimers will benefit from the enthe numbers of young thusiasm, gratitude, ~ e o p l e coming in who had dual addic- I I was once told I and eager learning processes of younger tions or whose prima- folks. How fortunate by the founder

I ‘ve heard it suggested by AA long- with all those “old fogies” of fifty! ry addiction might be we are to have so many timers and younger members alike 1’11 soon have been active in this Fel- drugs other than al- young people entering that corrective measures must be lowship for fifty-eight years, with over cohol. now -they don’t need found to eliminate the growing concerns between them. In recent issues of fifty-one of those totally sober, in every possible way. I’ve been actively engaged Unfortunately, the arrival of this latter I that he had I to go through the long years of anguish and the Grapevine, for example, and in the field of alcohol studies for over group made an im- pain that many older ‘ GSO’s Box 459 and other area publica- forty years in many different parts of pact that we were ill- people have suffered. tions, there have been references to the the world. And I can only look back at prepared to handle. And many younger alneed for membeis “to speak out more my life with a deep and continuing (Regrettably too, coholics now entering objectively and openly” about these gratitude for my sohriety and the many, there followed a dev- AA are certainly more concerns. many hlessings I’ve received – includ- astating period when willing, open-minded, Naturally, now that the Fellowship ing friendship with memhers of all ages. good language and and teachable – fun- . of Alcoholics Anonymous has reached In those very early days, newcomers good manners disap- damental qualities of . its present position of growth and often went along on Twelfth Step calls peared.) Longtime being humble. recognition throughout the world, and when they weren’t even dry yet be- members of AA It has often been said as it expands in membership and ser- cause their sponsors desperately need- formed new groups without the that the program of Alcoholics Anonyvices, it must perforce serve an ever ed their help. I recall the many times younger drug- or dually-addictedmem- mous must have been divinely inspired. broader level of people of all races, we took one or more carloads of peo- bers. Other groups went underground Certainly the acceptance and amicable creeds, and sexes everywhere, as well as ple to a new group to help it get start- (and are still there). And resentments relations that exist among most memall ages. ed, or to answer a call at any hour of grew. Some of the problems were re- bers and those now entering the Fel- I can remember when it wasn’t al- the dily or night. I remember when we solved when that excellent movement, lowship substantiates that claim. ways so. I was once told by the founder first had women members come to the Narcotics Anonymous, came into be- Remember that our longtimers past of my AA group that he’d spilled more group. Initially they sat outside with ing and began to have the same success and present are the experience and booze on his tie than I’d ever drunk. If the wives and weren’t allowed to at- with their addicted people as AA had knowledge of AA -and proof that it the truth be known, it was probably the tend closed meetings – they only with its own alcoholics. works while our young members are other way around! Only twenty-eight joined us for coffee! Today women are I hope that we can be able to dis- the future of the Fellowship. when I attended my first AA meeting, the backbone of many, many groups agree without being disagreeable. Af- Geurge S., South Surrey, I wondered if and how I would fit in and are entering AA at about the same ter all, it is for the common betterment British Colwmbia

January 1997

Consequently, I developed a program didn’t want to do – particularly serthat wasn’t serious. vice work. I didn’t want to wash the Youth My dad’s AA friends called me a cups or sweep the floors, so I never be: treatment baby (even though I came came part of the gtoup. I never shook Enjoying from the psych ward not a treatment hands or brought donuts. Being GSR center). There were lots of us, or serving- on an H&I committee were Sobriety teenagers in the pro- definitely for alcogram. Adolescent holics with nothing treatment was big I did the least better to do. I business in Min- thought those guys neapolis. I did the least amount of were especially sick. With all my amount of work pos- knowledge, somesible to stay sober. I work possible how I’d missed it did whatever Step when someone said, work I saw in front “Read the Big of me, but I wouldn’t to stay sober. Book.” I never sat Clueless let myself see very much. Many of AA’s “promises” came true I didn’t want down and looked at it cover to cover; my copy still looked for me -superficial- new. I’d been in ly. But I really hadn’t to wash cups enough Big Book thoroughly worked meetings that I fig-

I got sober in Minnesota – land of Imever ended up in treatment. My 10,000 treatment centers. My father judge nudged me into an evaluation Step One. At a deep level, I didn’t believe or sweep ured i’d heard the entire book. Besides, had moved there four years earlier that determined I belonged in an ado- I was an alcoholic. I who had time for (when I was thirteen) and gotten lescent behavior modification ward. sober. My mother had done just My father reappeared at this time really thought 1could floors. 164 boring, outdatprobably have just ed pages?And those enough time in Al-Anon, before they and made it clear that if I wanted him one drink. in my life, I’d have to stay sober. More- personal stories divorced, to recognize my alcoholism. But I didn’t want over, he knew I’d have to go to weekly which went on for- When Dad left, I started to experiment to start over and lose my time, espe- ever! Hey, I had a life. with alcohol and drugs. My parents AA meetings. That would keep me cially as I neared the ten-year mark. So Of course the book sounded dull to had enough individual experience with sober or at least abstinent. I went to just enough meetings to prove he was I was superstitious about my program, me – I was listening to a room full of the program that I was diagnosed im- but usually cavalier. While I knocked other alcoholics reading it. Instead, I mediately. They dogged me so much right. By not drinking 1 was treating on wood every time I predicted future could have studied it myself and identhat I stopped for a while. the body. By attending the’meetings, I was treating the mind. I learned all ‘sobriety, I judged most AA folks as tified – especially with the personal I’m an alcoholic, however, so that sicker than me. I figured that the “ex- stories. I had no idea that my working didn’t last. I started up again at sixteen about alcoholism without having extracurricular” stuff was for them. of the Steps would be so enhanced if I in earnest. A year later, I’d done time perienced pitiful and incomprehensi- Extracurricular meant anything I became a part of the Fellowship -that in three psych wards and jail. However, ble demoralization .of the spirit.

it would place me in a position to hear For years I’d noticed that people about how to really work the Steps. I with more time than me were absent was truly clueless. here and there. I’d assumed they were On my tenth AA birthday, I more slacking off, so I did too. What I or less went crazy. I probably should found on my new adventure was that have been locked up, because I was they had other AA commitments. dangerously vengeful When 1 missed Joe and was having fan- with twenty-five tasies of murder. I’ll I was suddenly – years on Sunday spare you the details, morning, I though; but it’s a wonder I didn’t drink. It had in the he slep;in. ~ h e I i showed up at a GSR taken me ten years meeting and there for my fundamental crew of people he was. I thought dishonesty, self-delu- Mary with sixteen sion, childishness, yea& blew off Monand selfishness to who put On day night once a bring me to an emo- month: but then I tional bottom. the meeting, / ‘ .ran into her at the Suddenly, the H&I committee Steps’ and Promises meeting. were falling short. I Was becoming I didn’t think serwondered if AA was vice work had anvequipped to help me. I started going to part of the thing to do wiih solving my problem, therapy, but that because ‘1- hadn’t didn’t work. 1 had a group. done the service whole new program work to find out. to find, &cause 1 was When I did, it spiritually miserable. chaneed ” mv life. My new sponsor told me to get When I was desperate enough to three meeting commitments. 1 didn’t sweep the floor, 1 could listen to the know what I was afraid of, but I hated other people who had been as desperthe idea of being a greeter. Turns out ate as 1 was. it was great. In the past, I didn’t have So now I’m on the lobkout for the time to bring donuts. But when 1 young people like me. I hope that bedid, I was suddenly in the special crew fore they crash sober they’ll find the of people who put on the meeting. I solution that I found just in time. was becoming a part of the group. Anonymous

January 1997

Solution for teenagers Richdson, Texas:

I’m a very grateful alcoholic who’s After about six months, I was sitfourteen years old. ting in the back of the room with a I came into the Fellowship of Al- friend during a business meeting coholics Anonymous on the night of when the thought came to both of November 20, 1995. I had lots of us that we should a have a meeting doubts and concerns when 1 first for teenagers in AA. We brought came in. Would these people really the idea up with our group’s steering accept me? l3d these rooms full of committee and we were asked to cigarette smoke and coffee really make a proposal at the next business have something to offer me? Did the meeting. We wrote up the proposal, program really work? got some people to vote in favor of Being the youngest kid in the it, and at the present time we have a room (only thirteen at the time) I growing number of kids who attend. spent many nights in the back cor- I really stress the importance of ner all alone with no one to talk to. teenager meetings in AA because I 1heard many wisecracks such as know when I came into the Fellow- “My sobriety is three times your ship, I just needed a sober individual age!” Confused and hurt by these my age to talk to. I’ve been to many comments, I spent nights tossing meetings where my friends’ parents and turning in bed with thoughts or my parents’ friends were in attenrunning t h ~ u g hmy head: Do these dance. 1 sometimes felt as if my people care? Am 1 too young to anonymity was at stake and 1 was sober up? But one question really afraid to speak about how I felt on stuck in my mind: where were all certain issues. Having a teenager the other kids? meeting allows teenagers who are new to AA to see that there are people to support them and that there is life after sobriety. Remember when you first came into AA and you were yearning for someone to share your feelings with. Kenny K.

February 1997

morning I was so hung over, and I had tragedy before my boss even got there. 1 Youth a hard time functioning. I was sick and sat in her office with the door shut and shaky. I was asked to work late, but she told me her parents were alcoholics Enjoying since I was so sick I said I’d work late and she knew of a place that could help the next day. I left at five and began me. She called the Alano Club in Sobriety the twenty-mile journey home. I downtown Ann Arbor and gave me distopped at a light and waved back at rections and sent me on my way. this guy who was kind of cute. He got I walked in the door and there stood out and asked me if I wanted to have a an alcoholic: he was male, dressed in drink. Without hesitation, I said I’d black, and about fifty or fifty-five with have just one. (When had I ever had gray hair. He shook my hand and said, just one!) Well, I didn’t make it home “Welcome. Are you one of us?” I said, that night or to work the next day. I “No, it’s my dad.” What followed was

Gratitude did call my sister to let her know I wouldn’t be home -because, I said, I .was celebrating my eighteenth birthday. more sob story. The man got me coffee and donuts and called a woman in, and we talked, and I told her my sad story.

in Action My sister reminded me that my birthday had been three months before. I recovered from my drunk using She casually asked if I drank, and for some reason I slowly opened up and admitted that my whole story was some “speed” I was supposed to sell and made up; I’d been drinking and doing actually made it home the next day with drugs and I couldn’t stop. My resolves

, M y dad was the alcoholic in my late one Sunday night, my sister had a family; I lived with him from yelling fit about how worried she’d the time my mom died when been about me, how all my friends had I was four until I was seven. Me, I been calling and nobody knew my drank to celebrate life. That’s what whereabouts, how I left all the care of untold energy to fix all the messes. I loaded my purse with cold medicine to convince my boss and coworkers of just how sick I’d been and then arrived early for work. As I opened the door, a were useless. I was given the “twelve questions” pamphlet and “passed” with flying colors. That was nineteen years ago. After a year of sobriety I moved to Texas. I’ve I told the couit-ordered psychiatrist the house to her and didn’t even have wonderful thought popped into my been married for sixteen years to a man and that’s what I believed. By the time the courtesy to call her and let her mind; so wonderful was this thought who’s also been sober for nineteen I was eighteen I had a lot of things to know that I wouldn’t be home. I also that 1 actually said, “Thank you, God” years. Our three children have never celebrate: I was no longer a ward of the had this on-again off-again boyfriend out loud and proceeded into the office. I seen us drink. We are both active in court or on probation for drunk and upset at me for standing him up. Mean- decided I didn’t have to feign a cold, AA: work the Steps over and over, atdisorderly. Best of all I was of legal while, my job was gearing up on new and the first person who walked in the tend meetings, work with our sponsors drinking age, projects, and I was having problems just door heard my sob story. I told her I and sponsor others. That’s not to say My sister and I were living together showing up. I resolved that night that hadn’t been sick but I’d been too scared that I’m always happy, joyous, and free. to take care of my grandma’s house I was going to get on track:No party- to come to work because my dad -an What has happened is that I have the while she was in Florida. 1 had a habit ing for the week – I needed to “fix alcoholic -had been on a binge and peace that passes understanding most of not coming home and not calling things” in every area of my life so that was violent with me and wanted mon- of the time -even on the day the enfor days at a time. I figured I could do these people would get off my back. ey, and I didn’t know what to do. . .boo gine blew, the basement flooded, and what 1wanted. When I crawled in very I barely made it to work the next hoo hoo. The whole office knew of my the washing machine leaked and died.

Even when our sixteen-year-oldtold us I’ve watched a lot of people leave he had absolutely no idea what kind of AA after they get their life back. One grades he was getting (he wasn’t pass- day at a time, I’m given the opportuniing), our nine-year-old told his teacher ty to give back to AA a small portion he couldn’t do his homework because of what was given to me. Each time I he had to clean the whole house (he’d take the time out of “my” life to attend simply forgotten his homework), and a meeting, work with my sponsor or a ‘our six-year-old was rushed to the hos- sponsee, set up for a meeting or do any pital in an ambulance for a back injury kind of service work, it’s my gratitude (she’s fine). Life gets pretty hectic in action because I owe my life to AA. sometimes. I’m still quite far from per- The joy of sobriety is the best way I fection. But the Big Book tells me it’s know to celebrate life. progress not perfection that counts. Renee V., Dallas, Texas

March 1997

Daniels and cola. Somehow I wasn’t friend’s beer and was throwing up on Youth picked up for prostitution or driving his shoes. under the influence without a driver’s Thanks to my many trips through Enjoying license. I was usually the designated treatment I decided once again to try driver because 1was the only one who Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn’t have Sobriety wasn’t passed out by the time every- anything to lose. I did what people one had to go home. told me to do: went to ninety meet- Again, I was put into a treatment ings in ninety days, got a sponsor, , center where I spent sixty days. There started to work the Steps, and read the I was introduced to Alcoholics Big Book. My sponsor said this was Anonymous. No way was I going to “willingness,” but I preferred to call it spend all my time with those old fo- “going to any lengths.” I now have algies. They were all over twenty-five! most a year in Alcoholics Anonye After my sixty days of patience, I once mous. I love to spend time with the again went out and got plowed. people in the Fellowship whom I used

Left During the next six months I re- to think were “old fogies.” Every day I member three days. Those three days thank my Higher Power for them and were filled with suicidal thoughts that their acceptance of me. I was too scared to fulfill because I And, occasionally, when I meet thought I’d go to hell for all the peo- someone who saysthey spilled more ple I’d hurt. Once again I was placed than I ever drank, I politely reply, in a treatment center. Once again I “Perhaps if you hadn’t spilled so much, got drunk. I realized I might have a you would have gotten here sooner.” problem when I drank all of my Sunny B., Bountijid, Utah

“I spilled more than you ever drank,” said a man with three years of sobriety and three million grey hairs. My alcoholic mind used that phrase to excuse my next ten years old. I looked and acted sixteen at the time. I was a lot taller and more mature than the other kids. When I wG drunk I could be any age I wanted. By the time I was eleven I’d drunk. I was fourteen years old and do anything for any guy that would thought I was too young to be an al- buy me a bottle. I was hanging out coholic. I’m sixteen years old now and with twenty-year-old hookers by the know alcoholism has no minimum time I was twelve. That was when I age requirement. I realize that many was put into a treatment center. I fellow AA members have lost homes, spent thirty days there learning the marriages, and children to alcohol be- right answers and looking forward infore I acquired any of those things. tently to my next drunk. But I lost enough. During the next year I never went I drank for the first time when I was anywhere without a mug full of Jack

March 1997 f.” f

thirty years old and had come to AA rushing in, the stiffness had left me and ‘ OldmTimers in January of that year. He’d stayed I was shaking violently. My teeth were sober from day one but wasn’t happy chattering. (My doctor was a neighbor Corner about it. He was fast reaching the of mine; I’d welcomed him to the conclusion that he was too young to neighborhood with half a bottle of be in AA. He nursed that illusion all wine which I carried over in a brown through the meeting and right up un- paper bag.) He drove me home in his ti1 the moment I car and adminisdropped like a stone tered some kind of to the floor, knock- I finally came heavy sedation. Just ing chairs in all di- before the lights rections – I was went out, he told having a convulto AA in April me to be in his of-

Truth sion in the front row. By the time I came to and was 7950 …Young fice every day for the next five days to get vitamin shots. again aware of my The people in surroundings, I was people, thirty- AAi had told me rigid, my teeth were that acute alcoclamped shut, my hands and arms five and under, holism, which was what I was suffering were pulled up and from, was a medical were as scarce w couldn’t be moved, problem, and I en I was twenty-one years I finally came to AA in April 1950, and my feet and should see my docold, my doctor told me some when I was twenty-three years old. legs were drawn tor. 1 didn’t want people could drink with That was young in those days. Young down. I was unable as hen’s teeth. him to know how safety and others could not. He said I people, thirty-five and under, were as to speak, and the bad my drinking .m was one of the ones who couldn’t drink scarce as henheeth. Older members pain in my ribs was so I hadn’t heeded their advice. Had I and I should stop drinking while I still told me there were ten of us in that age so excruciating 1 could hardly draw a been teachable, I could have saved mycould. It made sense to me, so I quit. I category in the combined states of breath. self and everyone else a lot of trouble. didn’t quit for one day like we do in New York, New Jersey, and Pennsyl- Some well-meaning girl was trying The one good thing to come out of AA, but for fore&! Forever turned vania. (People who did not know me to force a spoonful of coffee between that debacle was that the young man out to be a week and I was off again. kept mistaking me for some member’s my lips. Luckily we had a member of in the meeting decided he damn well Prior to that time, when anyone daughter.) the group who was a doctor and an- better stay in AA while he was there. bugged me about my drinking, I’d say I I will never forget the night 1 com- other who was a nurse. The doctor in- Good decision! We’ve both stayed could quit any time I wanted to. Now I pleted six days without a drink. 1 was tervened and I think he saved my life. sober through the years. He celebrated was frightened. I knew I’d meant to making my way to the front row of the I heard him say, “We’d better get her forty-six years of continuous sobriety in never to drink again, and here I was meeting. A young man was watching own doctor down here.” January 1996,while I followed in April drinking again, worse than ever before. me go down the aisle. He. was about By the time my own doctor came with my own forty-six years.

Another rotten thing occurred be- apron strings, it was just tough! It hurt I think there were older members who that no one could benefit from what fore I completed two weeks of sobriety. my feelings when he gave me such a wanted to go back to the way things was being said. That being the case it There was a male member of AA who short shrift so 1 asked my husband once were. is best to do whatever is necessary to lived across the street from my hus- what I could do. He went to my moth- In my early days, if things got out of remove the source of the problem. I beband’s fiunily. He was more often drunk er and said, “I would much rather see hand, older members stepped in to lieve it is best if the active drunk can than sober. When he figured out who Marie go out with three men than straighten out the problem. At one be told he will be welcomed back when I was, he ran over to my in-laws to tell come home with one like she did point there were nonmembers at the he is not drunk or drinking. them I was a member of Alcoholics when she drank.” inner city groups Dual addictions Anonymous. He said I was too young My mother never mentioned it who didn’t have a have been a probto be an alcoholic and all I needed was again. desire to stop There often lem when they are a good kick in the butt to straighten This is probably enough to show you drinking. We wel- discussed in depth me out. So much for the anonymity I’d that while some members were proud rather than menbeen promised. We can do a great deal and happy to have us in AA, others felt comed them until they began to were n o tioned in passing. of harm when we see fit to break some- we really didn’t belong there. When I gather around our I’m not sure one else’s anonymity. (I must have had a resentment because when I heard became pregnant, after several years, I was the only “lady in waiting” to be doors to panhan- women o n the whether the ~ m b lem is from young dle. Some of the he’d died of the illness, I don’t remem- seen at meetings. I recall the male older members people or the way ber grieving over it!) members being frightened to take me told them they team because things are with A few years down the road, Bob and out to speak as my due date drew near. were welcome to drugs now. I do re- I were asked to be chairperson and secretary for the group. There were mem- Twenty-three is no longer looked upon as young. I’ve met some people come in for coffee or to get warm the f e w we call the changes that took place in bers who said the young “mot noses” who arrived in their early teens. One but we couldn’t AA once tranwere taking over the group. We just woman had completed four years of so- have them clus- h a d were quilizers became laughed between ourselves. Bob was briety by the time she was eighteen. tering around the readily available. the chair because one of the men al- Others have come to AA a few years entrance so that In New Jersey ways said, “When a man comes before it was legal for them to buy a members were ashamed t o AA, where 1spent through that door, he needs to see a drink at all. Many of us have been hap- afraid to come my first forty-five man up there!” py to see the young people join early, there. Anything soeak. 8 years of sobriety, When we sent out a speaker’s team before their lives have been wasted be- that interferes we were given a it usually consisted of a leader and yond repair. with anyone’s brass pin in the , three speakers. There often were no There have been some problems, ability or right to attend or hear the shape of a triangle when we completwomen on the team because the few however. The group where I started in meeting is a very serious matter. ed our first ninety days without a drink. we had were afraid to speak. When I AA was brought to the edge of de- There are differences of opinion The night I was to be given mine the went it was often with three men. This struction when young people gathered about whether someone who is active- older members were having a very seupset my mother who felt it looked in the parking lot on motorcycles. ly drunk should be allowed to attend a rious discussion. It had to do with an “bad!’ One night, at a closed meeting, They laughed and talked while order- meeting. I’ve seen people who were elderly man who was abusing some- I got up the nerve to ask the speaker ing in pizza during the meeting. The drunk manage to hear something at a thing called triple bromides and God how to handle this problem. He said if first “forty and over” group I ever heard meeting that was the start of their so- only knows what else. His face was a I was going to be tied to my mother’s of started because of this sort of thing. briety. Others have raised such hell strange shade of purple; he drooled and –

‘shuffled along. He claimed he had a chair. When 1 was discharged and went right to hi three month pin because he to my son’s home, Mike still came to had not had a drink in ninety days. It visit me. He drove a taxi and as soon was only to stop drinking that he had as I could get about with my walker, he come to AA. I didn’t know what to took me to meetings. These young make of it but they gave him his pin people are not only kind and good, but right along with me. The poor soul they take the program of AA very sedidn’t have very long to enjoy it be- riously. They study the literature and cause in two weeks work very hard to he was dead. He practice and live by had won the battle Now we the Twelve Steps to and lost the war. recovery. Age is not really a factor in drug use. know the pro- Recovery doesn’t happen by accident. I’ve seen people of The program was all ages fall prey to gram Can be .planned so carefully a

the practice of pre- by the early memscribing drugs for bers to make it posthemselves. passed from sible for us to know Now that I’m freedom from the one of thi: older members of AA, I generation to terrible lives of practicing alcoholics. fall into the catego- NOW-weknow the ry of people men- generation. program can be tioned in the third passed from generaedition of the book tion to generation. I Alcoholics Anonymous. The book says was astounded when I fcst began to thit a full third of our membership had notice how many children of people I yet to be born when we oldsters were had worked with were finding their grown up and in AA. way into AA. In many cases, they set- That brings me to how kindly the tled down and stayed. young people in the Fellowship treat I once read that a principle can be me today. defined as truth unchanging. If it is When I first came to California to true today, it will always be true. We live, I was very sick. I was in the hospi- can practice the principles of the AA tal for four months. During that time, program, and age will matter less and one of the young members who was a less as we continue to grow older and friend of my son’s would come to visit wiser together. me and take mejor rides in my wheel- Marie K. , Laguna Hills, California

April 1997

riods that I decided to steal some ten- time. As my criminal activities reached Youth nis shoes from a shopping center. I was a new plateau, so did my alcoholism. arrested and sent back to the previous Now, through my newfound connec- Enjoying treatment center. I was there three tions, I was able to access drugs on a months when I decided to depart, so I much larger scale, and of a whole dif- Sobriety packed a duffel bag and left, never to ferent type. Drugs that were once unreturn. known and therefore unavailable to I stayed on the run for approximate- me were now easily and cheaply obly six months. Dur- tained. As anv ading this time AA dict would, I &an served as my life- My activities to take full advanline, its members tage of these reproviding me with progressed from sources. Running food, shelter, work, and friendship. petty shoplifting My activities progressed from petty shoplifting and mi- Even though I was on Empty using the Fellowship wrongly and taking advantage of and minor \ . nor assaults to major th&, serious assault, and drug sales. I bethe kindness of 2ame an everyday members, I couldn’t assaults to major user I also of alcohol. began to I lasted about three months before I

I ‘m not going to offer a tear-jerking help but be flooded success story, for my present condi- had my first relapse. Even though 1 with AA philoso- use drugs I never tion can hardly be called a success. gave up, AA didn’t, and I quickly re- phy. theft, serious thought I would. At But I will share some personal experi- turned. Eventually, I was the age of sixteen I ences and examples. I was introduced to the Fellowship I bounced back and forth for about a year before the juvenile system arrested and placed in a juvenile faciliassault, and became a junkie, and I knew it. somewhere between the ages of twelve caught up Gith me. I was placed in a ty, This time the fa- Duringthis time I and thirteen. This was against my will, long-term treatment facility, where I cility was not for drug sales. got in way over my for my mother had placed me in an stayed for ten months. Here I was rein- substance abuse, head. I lost all my adolescent treatment center. troduced to AA. This time I took it se- but for actual crimi- old friends, my fam- I was instantly attracted to the pro- riously and maintained a year of nal correction. I’d been deemed a ‘ ily, and anyone else who’d ever-cared gram of AA, but viewed it as a game, sobriety. During this time I earned my “menace to society.” about me, and I kept running. and therefore set out to master it as release and found a sponsor. Shortly af- This program held me for six Finally, my mother kicked me out soon as possible. I memorized the Pre- ter my year anniversary I relapsed months and did nothing but teach me for good. I stayed with some people amble and the “How It Works” intro- again. Thus began another cycle of re. new criminal skills and introduce me whom I called my friends for a few duction within two months. I could lapse and recovery that lasted for three to more powerful connfctions. Upon weeks at a time, but my welcome soon recite dozens of cliches and slogans months. release my criminal activity entered a wore out. I had nothing to offer them, upon request. It was during one of these relapse pe- whole new arena; I’d made it to the big therefore I was no longer wanted. Tol-

erated, yes; wanted, no. Even begging then is still with me now. All the sloon the front porch in the middle of a gans, ideals, and philosophies are still cold autumn night couldn’t open the locked in my memory. But now they doors to my mother’s house. Cold, hun- take on a whole new meaning. I now gry, and broke, I was truly alone. understand why I must take life “one I slept wherever I could find a dry day at a time” and what it means to spot, and ate only what little the so- “Keep It Simple.” But it goes much called friends would offer. On occasion, deeper than that. For me, the Second I might buy food with the money I had and Third Steps would have been imleft over after purchasing the alcohol possible if it weren’t for the guidance I and drugs I needed to make it through got earlier. each day. I’m eighteen years old. Six years ago Homeless, cold, and hungry, 1 be- I took the First Step by saying the came desperate. Now no moral code words, “Hi, I’m Mike, and I’m an alcocould stand in my way. I burglarized my holic,” not knowing why or what they mother’s home and turned to trading meant. Yesterday, I said those same sexual favors for drugs, food, and shel- words and meant them. ter. Had I hit bottom yet?No. Words can’t come close to express- I was finally arrested for the burglary ing what I feel for the AA members of my mother’s home, and was sent to early on who took me into their hearts . a training school, where I am sitting, and who never gave up on me no mattyping this letter. I have finally hit bot- ter what. I wouldn’t have made it to tom. My next stop, if I choose to make this day were it not for them. I owe another addition to my record, will be them all I have. prison. I don’t plan to make that stop Mike W.,Taylor, Michigan today. o n c e again AA entered the soap opera that is my life. Although this isn’t a treatment facility for substance abuse, there are substance abuse programs available. AA is one of them. I have slowly, in the past five or six months, reestablished the bond I once had with the AA Fellowship. Was all the AA in my past a waste? Quite the contrary. Everything I learned back

April 1997

All we have is today From LouisviUe, Kentucky:

I’m a fourteen-year-old alcoholic named Leslie. I’m currently in a long-term treatment center in Louisville, Kentucky. I’ve been in and out of AA since I was twelve years old. I finally came to realize I have a disease that can’t be cured. I’ve now been sober for seven months but actually all I have is , today. The reason I’m writing is because I’d like to thank the Grapevine for having stories from young people in AA. Someday I’d like to send my story in so I can help another young alcoholic like me. Leslie 0.

May 1997

Youth Enjoying Sobriety

F ourteen years old and two thou- soon pass. This was life as I knew it. that they were unable to help me. I was ferent from anything I’d ever heard of. sand miles from home I realized I didn’t dream of the day that I’d be diagnosed an alcoholic and AA was I was wanted. something wasn’t right in my life. a success in a career. Instead I wanted strongly suggested. It has been over seven years since I I had run away from home two months to go back to the time when drinking At the first meeting I attended, I took a drink. Life hasn’t been all before so that I’d be able to be “on my was fun, when I could sneak out of the learned of the love that AAs have for smooth sailing, but because of AA, I own.” I found myself in Amarillo, house andreturn late at night, when each other. I was made to feel wel- no longer have to live in fear. I sleep Texas. I’d been running with a gang drinking didn’t bring me pain. I didn’t come. Unlike other organizations, at night. I have a new relationship but now I found myself on the street. I want to be alone anymore. I wanted a there were no dues or initiation fees. In with my Creator. I have a purpose feared the night. I found food in the friend again. fact, I was told not to contribute until in life. dumpsters of restaurants until I learned In the fall of that year I was placed I’d been there six weeks. AA was dif- Shane L., Mankato, Minnesota to steal, and stealing became a way of in an adolescent facility for teenagers life. It is the way I acquired my booze, with social problems. It was an intense my food, my cigarettes, and my cloth- treatment. Most of those with me were ing. I lived in the fear that some day I’d convicted criminals. Though I’d also be caught. Sometimes I got sick to my been guilty of crimes, I’d never been stomach just thinking about it. It oc- caught. The facility was safe and 1 liked curred to me that perhaps my life it there. After three and a half months, wasn’t normal but the thought would they released me with the explanation

July 1997

for me, but I knew that something had talk about anything else. I knew right Youth worked for my other family members. then that I would not miss the 8th. I went to a long-term residential treat- My oldest brother, Fred, told me Enjoying ment center in Michigan where my that he didn’t think he’d have stayed oldest brother was a member of the sober his first year out of treatment if Sobriety staff. I had no desire to stop drinking; he hadn’t gotten involved with MCY- I just wanted to stop the pain and the PAA. 1decided to join. Not long after trouble that had come to be normal in, that, a bunch of people showed up my life. wanting to go to Most of the resi- Boston to put in a bid for the next dents there were in their twenties and I had my ICYPAA (prothirties and didn’t nounced icky-G). I Bidding for a have glorious things to say about where they thought 1 was first drink at the st& for every p i tion and got elected to none. So I heading. We were ripe old age of – worked on the outtaken to a lot of reach subcommit- AA meetings, and were required to get seven, a t a party andthe around tees westate trycraveled a sponsor. We were ing to gather supmy brothers M y name is Johnny H., and I am a defeated drinker. I had my last drink on August 28, 1985 at the age of eighteen years and three days. Today I find myself a haplot and to hold it down. I didn’t like my life, and drinking allowed me to forget that (for a while). I never had enough to drink. I always wanted more; it was always the next one that also encouraged to take commitments at our regular AA meetings, and to just generally get Were having. port for bringing the conference to Michigan. Sometime that summer, one of the py, joyous, and free recovered alcoholic was going t,o do it for me. When I involved in AA service. I made a cof- chairpeople of the bid committee and I owe everything in my life to Al- wasn’t drinking, I was thinking about fee commitment my first day out and asked me and a friend of mine if we’d coholics Anonymous. drinking. have been involved in AA service at be willing to produce a musical skit I had my first drink at the ripe old My mom and stepdad came to AA some level ever since. that could be used as part of the bidage of seven, at a party my brothers in 1979 just after I’d gone to live with One of the guys I met in AA had ding process in Boston. No one had were having. One of them gave me a my father. I didn’t know much about gone to the 28th International Con- ever placed so much trust in me before. quart of beer, and challenged me to AA, but I knew it was a lot nicer when ference of Young People in AA (ICY- Nothing would have kept me away drink the whole thing. I tried my best I went to visit them. I also have three PAA) in Denver, and he offered to from Boston after that. not to let them down, but what hap- older brothers who came to AA in take me the 7th Michigan Conference I spent the rest of the summer workpened was that I threw up a lot and 1983 while I was away in a Florida mil- of Young People in AA (MCYPAA) if ing and saving my money (which was a had to be put to bed early. My drinking itary school (my father didn’t know the center would let me. It didn’t. Five first), and finding people who wanted didn’t take off until I was thirteen, what else to do with me). I didn’t be- or six other residents did get to go, and to be in the skit and go to Boston. We when I quickly became able to drink a lieve for a minute that AA would work when they got back, they could hardly practiced every week, and at the same

time I tried to get the music, without I have doubts about what’s around the found a sponsor, Tom N. of Milwaukee, deserved was Jackson Prison, and what the words, to “Heard It Through the next comer. Since that day in Boston, who has taken me through the “pro- I got was a new life.” Grapevine” and “Ain’t Too Proud To I’ve seen many others experience this gram of action” found in our basic text, AA is by far the best deal anyone Beg,” so that we could rewrite them same joy. and I have “had a spiritual awakening has ever offered me, though sometimes with our own lyrics about our bid. I’ve since spent many years in ser- as the result of these Steps.” But I want it takes a little while to grasp what I’ve When we got there, we still didn’t vice to “young ~eople’sAA,” not be- to give some credit to my involvement been given. I came in here an angry, have the music and I began to panic. I cause I think it always draws the in young people’s conferences. scared kid who had nowhere left to go knew that the show wouldn’t come off clearest picture of what AA is, but be- Through them I’ve made hundreds of (believe me, I would have gone any- – if only I had managed better. One cause I’ve never seen anything so ef- friends in AA from all across North where else if I could have). Today, my of the older guys on our committee fective at reaching our younger America. life is filled with great blessings, and I tried to calm me down by telling me, members and making them feel at I must be one of the most blessed owe it all to Alcoholics Anonymous. “Don’t worry, I’ll just go up there and home in Alcoholics Anonymous. It persons walking the earth today be- Johnny H., Dencner, Colorado get them all to clap a beat for us, and has also been the most effective vehi- cause no matter how hard I look, I canthen we’ll start singing.” I’d never cle, in my experience, in getting young not find justice in me getting to live heard a worse idea in all my life. The people involved in service at the dis- such a happy life. All I brought here whole thing would be a flop, and it trict and area levels. with me was a bad attitude and a desire would be my fault (I’ve never been self- Early in 1996,I moved to Colorado to find a way to drink safely. I have a centered at all!). with my best friend (David B.), basi- friend who once said to me, “What I Then our tum came. The room was cally because we wanted to ski and to filled with arounfi 500 sober drunks, get out in the world. When we got and even before we got into place, the here we found many young members “clapping beat” became so loud that I who were eager to get involved in AA was overwhelmed. I felt so much love service, so we got a bid committee in that room, I forgot completely about formed out here. After being involved my dance steps, and started jumping up in ICYPAA bids for eight of the last and down uncontrollably, crying out nine years in Michigan, our twoloud. It was like God reached out and month-old Colorado Bid Committee grabbed me and made me okay all at was granted the privilege of hosting once. At that moment, I knew that I the 40th ICYPAA in September 1997. had a home and it was Alcoholics Today, I’m very proud to be serving Anonymous. At that point, I was two as co-chairpersonof the host commityears and a couple of days sober. That tee (David is our secretary). The site feeling has never left me. In an instant for the conference -Estes Park Cen- I experienced a fundamental change ter, right’ at the feet of Rocky Mounthat I can’t describe except to say that tain National Park – is one of the I’ve never felt alone since then. I real- most magnificent settings I’ve ever ized that I’d been given everything I’d seen for such an event. ever wanted -love, freedom, a home. As I said earlier, I am happy, joyous, I always remember that lesson when and free today, mostly because I’ve

August

tually asked my friends if they would I tried to find some more fun in Youth chip in for a liver transplant and they drinking and the next six months were said no. hell. I drank alone because nobody Enjoying I’d try to control my drinking by go- wanted to baby-sit a drunk, and I woke ing out later at night and I’d just get up in the underground subway. It was Sobriety home later. I tried just doing drugs or total misery. My old girlfriend made just drinking. My mother brought a my drinking even worse because now Driest home and had him pray over me. I knew there was a way out, and I was ~othin~ worked. I trying to ignore it. could stop for three I ended up in my or four days, feel I was losing first detox in Janugreat, and then pick ary 1989 -the day up that insane first my friends, after Super Bowl Moving Into the drink and it would start all over again. I was losing my and my family Sunday. I spent five days there and got hope. I got out and friends, and my went to my first AA meeting with an old family members were praying for members were friend of mine, and me. They were al! went to another fed up. praying for me. meeting and anoth-

M y name is Tony and I’m an al- Three years later they weren’t saying coholic. I picked up my first that anymore. I drank, went to work, drink at age thirteen. That’s and slept all day in a tub or in my car. when my whole life changed. 1was told Now my boss said that nobody wanted later that I poured the last beer over me for their helper. My reply was, One morning I was sitting in a local coffee shop, badly hung over, when I looked out the win- They were all fed up. er, and I kept seeing people I thought had fallen off the side of the earth. They said they’d my head, vomited, rolled in it, and “That’s because they’re all idiots.” dow and saw my old been saving $ seat walked home. My drinking never got I got picked up for drunk driving at girlfriend whom I for me and gave me much better after that. age eightee~andhad constant arrests hadn’t seen in three the Big Book. I con- Everything I ever cared about went for walking the streets aimlessly. I was years. She came in and I noticed some- tinued to go, but I never got active in on the back burner, like sports and ed- drinking whiskey a lot and it wasn’t thing different about her. She was the Fellowship, had no home group, no ucation, while I hated anybody with strange for me to have a bottle of walking with her head up and her eyes Higher Power, no sponsor, and evenany authority over me, like teachers, Southern Comfort in one hand and a were clear. She had a confidence about tually I drank. I kept bounding in and cops, parents. I got kicked out of school bottle of Maalox in the other. I was her which was not cockiness. I asked out of AA, but I’d go to, meetings at fifteen and became a plumber full- starting to feel the physical effects of her, “Where the.hel1have you been?” drunk and they’d take me outside and time. I could drink like a fish the night alcoholism, like ulcers, an enlarged liv- She said, “In detox for thirty days and talk to me to take me back to detox. before and still show up and do my job. er, and hepatitis. I still thought there AA meetings every day after that.” She Nobody said, You’re a nuisance or a My boss told me everybody wanted me was a way I could drink in safety with a proceeded to tell me about AA and pain in the neck; they just said, Keep for their helper because I worked hard. bad liver. I tried different drinks. 1 ac- then said, “You should give it a shot.” coming, so I did.

Four or five detoxes later I got the nally had enough and was open-mind- 1 made peace with my past, especially sober four years, me two years, and we ‘ gift of desperation. It was Thanksgiv- ed and willing to try anything. I got a with my parents and brothers, and were both booking agents for our ing 1989, and I was in detox and glad sponsor and he said, ‘!Don’t drink no now we get along great. My father groups. After going out for two years, to be there, because I was sick and matter what. Go to meetings, ask for gave me my six-year medallion and my I set up a candlelight breakfast for us, tired of being sick and tired. I was will- help, and don’t worry.” He told me to mother gave me my seven-year one. and I asked her, “What are you doing ing to do whatever AA wanted me to never miss my group meeting unless I believe wholeheartedly in spon- for the rest of your life, one day at a do. I had had enough. 1got out on De- I’m at a funeral -my own! I went to sorship. I sponsor some guys and they time!” cember 21, just in time for an alkathon meetings every day for two years and are a big part of what keeps me sober. “What do you mean!” she said. (meetings around the clock on Christ- made every commitment for two They are gifts from God to me. I have I said, “Will you marry me!” She mas’eve and Christmas day). I spent years. A little obsessive?Who cares – two sponsors I use, one with twelve said, “Yes,” and that was three years lots of time there. Then I joined a very I didn’t drink. years who is also my best friend, and ago and she truly is a gift from God. active group that has a beginners I couldn’t help anybody in my ear- one with fifteen years who is extreme- We both work the AA program to the meeting and a Twelve Steps and ly days, but I could give back by giv- ly knowledgeable about AA. I really best of our ability. As I write this, she is Twelve Traditions meeting and goes ing to my group, by making coffee and appreciate my friends, family, and four months pregnant. on four or five speaking commitments setting up. Things started to happen work, because I try with the help of Just as it says in the Big Book: sobri. a week, including to jails and treat- for me, like they gave me back my dri- God and AA to work the Twelve ety is like being catapulted into the ment facilities. vers license. I graduated from high Steps in every aspect of my life. fourth dimension. I got active in AA and got on my school and 1got my masters plumbing I met my wife on a white-water raft- , i TonyA., knees every morning, because I’d fi- license -not bad at age twenty-nine. ine trio. with all sober oeode. She was Norwood, Massachusetts

October 1997

Youth when it came to “all of our affairs.” I group member was part of a larger sometimes learned the hard way. Mem- whole and might contribute to that. Enjoying bers of the group had to teach me, by My group did its best to let the hand of AA be there for the still-suffering alexample, how to enjoy life and have fun sober. I began to realize there coholic. I learned how to be a sober Sobriety would be fewer amends to make if I member of Alcoholics Anonymous. had fun without hurting others. I After five years of sobriety, literally learned how to take growing up in that res~onsibilitvfor mv group, it was time to actions. iea& another valuable 1 learned about the They told me lesson: le, go.I had group and the Twelve bounced from job to Traditions from AA members who put the i t Was time to job for a while, tried college, and began a common welfare of family. I decided to the group above their go, that God join the army. I cried own. We did group – – in- ‘when I said goodbye to ventories annually to the grdup. They told see how to better had a plan ‘ \.. me it was time to go, reach suffering alco- that God had a plan holics. We tried every- and wou/d take and would take care of

I was seventeen years old and knew deep down I was different from my fellows. Having never tried because of fear, I believed I couldn’t not drink even though I sajd I could. I “volundressed the need for such a committee, but I was very aware of how welcome I felt. There were almost one hundred people in the main discussion meeting. thing possible to carry the message, from day care to deaf interpreters. I didn’t want care of me me wherever my journey led me. I left knowing I would be okay. I also knew Beginners classes were held every Monteered” for a treatment center after day night, and we were strongly ento go to these “boring” inventories at first; I wherever my enough to find the FeL lowship as soon as I got some loving encouragement from a couraged to attend all of them before preferred one of the . somewhere new. 1 did high school counselor who said, “Go to treatment or don’t come back here.” joining the main meeting. Taking this suggestion gave me a solid foundation beginners classes in- Journey led l77e. just that seven years stead. My sponsor ago, and I’ve stayed At the center, I was introduced to my of sponsorship, the Twelve Steps, and a pointed out that the sober ever since. first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting Higher Power. It was a very powerful inventory was an AA meeting and that Recently, I visited my hometown – the Monday Night Young Peoples gathering of young AAs. Some of them every part of this spiritual program be- and found that my old home group’is Group. felt unaccepted at other meetings in longed in a group discussion. He said now much smaller and has moved to a At that meeting, I was welcomed by town. This group, I believe, gained that all the issues we would discuss new location. The people I got sober what seemed like hundreds of hand- much of its energy from the fact that were about being responsible and car- with have grown up and moved on shakes. The greeting committee was we needed each other so much. rying the AA message. He told me that just as 1 did. Young people are sober in very active. I was unaware at the time As young people, our behavior God worked through an informed nearly every group in that large city. I of a recent group inventory that had ad- sometimes was not that “recovered” group conscience and that every home used to be the youngest one in most

meetings by about ten years; now there to all. Today I have a new home group are teenagers sober in the suburb where in a new town and I try to bring the I grew up. Change is a part of life, es- spirit of that first one to my new one pecially in AA where we must grow or and make it the best in the world. If go. That group is exactly what God you don’t believe that your home wants it to be today, but I thank him group is the best in the world, don’t with all of my heart that it was exactly find a new one: stay where you are and the way it was when I walked through put your whole heart into it. God put the doors of my very first AA meeting. you there for a reason. I participate in Alcoholics Anony- Roger W., mous today and try to be an example Honolulu, Hawaii

November 1997

Youth but these members never told me to with me and cried with me when the leave. They treated me like any other choices I made were bad. Enjoying newcomer. I was always waiting for the Consequently, I grew up. I married, angle or for someone to hit on me and had children, went to college, found a it never happened. I was genuinely job, then went back for mote school. Sobriety loved into sobriety. I related to the Every step of the way my group was sharing in the meetings even though I with me as they watched me struggle hadn’t lost a job, a husband, or kids, with life issues. because we shared the same pain and , From my experiences, I would say hole in the gut due to our drinking. that sobriety is about living. My group I had to experi- is in no way my ence the same ” mw- whole life but I ating pains as any 1 Was living tend three meetings other adolescent. a week and volun- Just because I was teer my time when On the stfeet Sobriety sober did not make me exempt from mistakes and I made with whoever needed. I’ve seen young people hide in she Fellowship manv. I didn’t al- ‘ and I find this unways do what was fortunate. We’ve would fake me I came into the Fellowship when I was sixteen and haven’t had a drink since. That was in 1986. In that time I’ve literally grown up in AA. I’ve I didn’t see myself living to the age of eighteen so I had no plans past the immediate present. An especially bad episode scared me suggested because I was a teenager and most teens think they know everyin and drinking been given such a marvelous gift, so young, that we should live our lives experienced many growing pains; but enough that I asked to be sent to treat- thing. But my mis. with the same prim sobriety has given me a wonderful life, ment. After I was released, my home takes were valuable ciplaoutsideAAac and I’m grateful for this gift that so group saved me. I found the most lov- and shaped my well. We may live a freely has been given to me. I was fortunate enough to get sober in an area ing, accepting group of people. They character and my 1 could. long life, God willhad a sparkle in their eye and they life. I’m grateful that ing, and society can that could be tolerant to such a young, laughed all of the time. I couldn’t re- I was allowed to benefit from our immature person. I love my home member the last time that I had really make those mistakes with very little sober abilities. I am an active member group as a family. laughed. The other members may have criticism. The mistakes were a part of of AA, but I don’t hide in AA moms. I Before I came into AA, I was living had their doubts about my sincerity my growing up; they needed to be am out there experiencing life. on the street with whoever would take and requirement for membership but made. People in my group watched me I have heard some members wishme in and I was drinking as much as I after they heard me talk they changed screw up but didn’t hold me back and ing they had gotten sober at my age, could. My drinking started in the their mind. shared with me their mistakes. They but I don’t think they realize what morning and continued throughout My group back then was mostly men taught me the Steps and told me in a this means. I have grown up and been the day. I used everyone around me and mostly over the age of thirty. I felt loving manner if I seemed to be stray- very aware of my mistakes. Some misand had many dangerous experiences. different because of the age difference ing too far. They celebrated my joys takes even sober are embarrassing due

to youthful impulsiveness and I’ve strength, and hope. I’m not comhad to experience them straight and plaining but explaining so that others with no excuses. Young people in AA can better understand what it’s like are likely to make more mistakes only to grow from a child to an adult in because of their age; we should try to sobriety. help them by sharing our experience, T. F., Boone, l w a