October 1944

MARTY INTERVIEWED ON COMMITTEE

A new committee has been mention A.A. Or to give A.A. full credit for “For a long time, I’ve felt formed. It is to be nationwide in scope. my recovery a ~ d break the anonymity the way lots of us older members feel. Although it’s not an A.A. baby, it’s to rule. I couldn’t conceive of not publicly Namely, that there was a need for a have a lot to do with A.A. The name of it giving A.A. all the credit.” wider program of education. To teach not is the National Committee for Education only individuals, who’ve hit bottom and on Alcoholism, and its executive director We then started to ask Marty come to see us in desperation – but to is Marty Mann, one of our leading A.A.s questions. Our first question as an A.A. teach everybody in the whole country in the New York Group, and one of our was: “How much has A.A. got to do with that this is not a moral issue, but a health finest speakers. Marty plans to go all all this?” problem. By the way, it’s Public Health over the country lecturing on alcoholism, Marty answered that this way:% the five and a half years I’ve been in Problem No. 4. Did you know that?” and more than this – she hopes to help A.A., I know that a lot of us have “Yes, we said, “But it’s true that get local committees started wherever wondered and worried about this idea of most people don’t. Tell us how you got she goes. These local committees in turn general education of the public, that goes into all this.” “An old friend of mine will educate their communities on the way beyond A.A.’s specific job. deserves the credit for that,” Marty said. problem of the alcoholic, and teach the “I’ll talk about myself for a minute, “Grace Bangs. She’s director of the Club whole public, throughout the country, and that’ll show you what I mean In the Service Bureau of the Herald-Tribune. what we in A.A. already know. That last five years of my drinking, before I That means she has one of the top jobs alcoholism is a disease, and a public came into A.A., I didn’t know what was dealing with clubwomen all over the health problem. That the alcoholic needs wrong with me. And neither did anyone country. Some time ago I ran into her, to be brought out in the open and else. No one knew what had happened and she hadn’t seen me since my helped, not hidden away in shame. to me, why the quality of my drinking had drinking days. She didn’t recognize me,. As you see by this article, Marty changed. I thought I was having a I told her about A.A. and what had has shed her anonymity. She talked it nervous breakdown, and that that was happened to me. She asked me and over with a great many other A.A.s, and making me drink too much. I didn’t know several of us to help her with a relative of they all felt that view of this larger nonwhat an alcoholic was. I didn’t find out hers, a young man. Well, he’s just not alcoholic field she was entering, she’d until I came into A.A. And all of us A.A.s ready for us yet. But she was terribly have to. have found the same thing, over and impressed with A.A. She felt that more As Marty said in an interview with over: that people, on the whole, still don’t people ought to know about it. She felt us yesterday: “I’m going to lecture nonknow anything about alcoholism. they ought to know about alcoholism as alcoholics about alcoholism. I could be Although A.A. has been in existence ten a disease. She said, ‘Marty, there are a much more convincing, and give them years, and although many authorities on lot of women all over this country, much more understanding, by speaking this subject, including doctors, have told mothers who’ve unwittingly helped make as an alcoholic – from the inside – and me we’ve done the best education job of their children alcoholics, who invariably they would be much more likely to listen and believe. That left me with two all to date, still our first job isn’t education did all the wrong things about them, and of the public. It’s work with individual who don’t know what to do for them now. choices. To say that I was an alcoholic and had recovered, period. And not alcoholics. Wives who don’t know what to do about

their husbands. Even women alcoholics A.A. is doing, adds up to this: now there pamphlets. When they’re ready, we’ll themselves, who are often harder to are plenty of real facts to tell people. help them set up an information center or reach than men, because they feel Perhaps most valuable of all these, from a clinic.” guiltier than the men do. Now, can’t you the human point of view, is A.A. F0rA.A. Ques. “How are you going to do that?” do something for them? Can’t you think has proved that great numbers of alcoholics Am. “We’ll train anyone this local of some way to reach these women? I’II can get well. committee selects to run their information back you up and help you any way I can. “When we started talking about center. They’ll go to the Yale Clinics for ‘ She kept after me, and finally I worked the National Committee, we discovered this training. If they want to set up a out a plan, based on going out and that interest was more widespread than clinic, we’ll send an expert organizer to speaking to organized women’s groups we had dared to hope. Grace Bang help them.” all over the country.” found it easy to form Woman’s Ques. “But how are you going to get your Organizing Committee – many women, Ques. “What did you do then?” speaking engagements in the first each one important in her field, were Am. “Well, we knew we needed place?” immediately interested. When we formed scientific backing. We went to Dr. Am. “Grace Bangs and her Woman’s the Advisory Board, it went the same Jellinek. A lot of you know who he is: Committee will handle most of that.” way. And I found an A.A. in the New Director of the Section on Alcohol Ques. “Why, Marty, what about us A.A.s York Group, Marian M., to be my Studies at Yale University. Now I want to secretary. helping? I should think that a special stop and explain a little. Dr. Haggard is Ques. “Can you tell us now, exactly what open meeting would be just the place. your job is, and what A.A.s can do in all We ask all the people that you just director of the Laboratory of Applied this?” mentioned to our big open meetings Physiology at Yale. For years he’s been Am. “My first job is to lecture on anyway. I should think that any A.A. studying the physiological problems of group that has open meetings, and is alcohol. He realized that was only part of alcoholism in general. I’II try to arouse enough interest so that people will want interested in this idea, would be a natural the picture, and he started Dr. Jellinek’s department to go into all phases of the to form a local committee. This – I mean a starting point for a local committee should include representatives committee.” problem. What interests us A.A.s as of all groups who have to struggle with Am. “There’s no reason why they much as anything they’re doing are the shouldn’t be. It’s my hope that they will, Yale Plan Clinics. Because these clinics this problem. People like doctors, either as groups or as individuals. After are working on alcoholism in the ministers, social workers, magistrates, all, we A.A.s are the people who individual. And they’re also sending a lot and above all, A.A.s.” understand best how misunderstood this of new A.A.s to their nearby groups. Ques. “What is this local committee going whole thing is.” to do?” “Now to go back to Dr. Jellinek. Felicia G. Am. “Its going to carry on the work of He read the plan. He seemed to like it. education. We’ll do everything to help He said he though it would work. He said them. (By we I mean the National that educating the country on alcoholism Committee.) We’ll give them plenty of is the next step. All the research that’s literature, and it will cover every phase of been done, all that Yale is doing, all that alcoholism. That includes our A.A.

November 1944

A BEGINNER IN THE WACS

We are indebted to the the beginning I used to envy you all so Philadelphis Group for a letter from a much. You seemed so light-hearted and comparative newcomer to A.A. The gay, so thoroughly happy and at peace author of this letter, upon learning of A. A. with the world. I used to ask myself, “Will through her doctol; wanted help so bad& I ever be like that? Will my mind some that she moved to Philade/phia from her day be free from worry and care?” I home 725 miles dstant and got a job so doubted it then, for I was still confused, that she might attend meetings regularly my brain a tumult of conflicting emotions. a

The fact that I have not written The future loomed ahead as some before is no indication that I have hideous nightmare. I was convinced that forgotten you or any of the members of nothing could ever make me enjoy life A.A. I think of you all quite often, again. But you were all so kind, so remembering the few short weeks I spent tolerant, so helpful, so willing to listen to in your midst. With that in mind I my tale of woe without censure, criticism purposely chose today to write you. It or boredom, that gradually the cobwebs may be just another day to you, but it began to disappear, the weight was lifting marks an anniversary for me. It was just from my heart, and 1 was learning to three months ago to date that I first smile again. And then before I quite entered your clubhouse in Philadelphia. knew what had happened, I suddenly Three months that I have remained “dry” realized that my decision in coming to and maintained complete sobriety. How your group had not been in vain that I well I recall how far away that three- had at last found the contentment that I month period seemed then. Until that had been so long in searching for. time had expired I could not feel as if I Nothing that I could ever do or say could had accomplished anything, but now at sufficiently show my gratitude. I regret least, my feet are on the first rung of the very much that I was unable to do ladder. But I’ve learned my lesson well. anything about the 12th Step, but this My fingers are still crossed. I know I can war won’t last forever and the A.A.s will never be sure. always be in existence, so perhaps, God Little did I think then that I would willing, some time in the future I will have be a member of the Woman’s Army the opportunity to put that into effect. Corps today. I led such a useless, wasteful life – and now, though I an! May God bless you all. playing only a small part – I am, at least, K a useful citizen. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to see if I am dreaming. h

November 1944

How It Feels To Join A.A. Long Before You HaveTo

It was a lovely spring morning last “fear of screaming nut loud. Safe in the me after work and spent many evenings June, warm and full of promise – a day apartment the wa!!s staded moving in nn with me when I should have been that fills you with love of life and a desire me. The long vacation yawned ahead fnllnwin~snme n f my nther interests It to live it fully, to accomplish all the things like a dark valley of horror. In my despair frequently went tn hed with me and was you have dreamed, to work, to love your I doubted if I’d find myself alive at the there in t h m ~ ~ m i n gwhenever ! needed fellow man. It was the first day of my end of it, let alone well and ready for it in the last ~ n ~ r pof l eyears It had I~trlch vacation after a busy year – a vacation work. Here was no reality but the fight with me when it could. It mnnopolized my eagerly planned for and set aside to do between me and my panic and the only vacations because I was carefree. I took a piece of creative work which was joy to weapon I knew to fight it with was a it with me when I knew I wouldn’t find it. me. The night before there had been a drink. I had my psychoanalysis and Several times I decided that a temporary late party to celebrate the finish of the supposedly should not be suffering this vacation would so me good but I never old and the bright beginning of the new. recurrence of panic but it was worse than stayed away more than several days. I was shaky that morning, having in its original form. There was no further Generally, it had been a good celebrated thoroughly, so before I started help to be sought from that angle. Slowly companion, reliable and restrained for to shop for my new equipment I decided a thought had begun to focus in my years, especially when I had work to do. to have a martini or two before lunch. I terrified mind. Could the panic have any It indulged itself on weekends and at awoke at twilight with a bewildered sense relationship to my drinking? parties and plagued me with hang-overs of loss. The lovely day was gone. A I didn’t believe it for a moment but – some pretty bad ones in the last two shiver of terror went through me and in my despair I couldn’t afford to ignore years, but it had never interfered with a then the slow, steady creep of the possibility. If that were all, then job or made me sick for more than a smothering panic. Something terrible was everything was simple. I’d just stop holiday or Sunday. It hadn’t separated the matter with me but WHAT? This drinking and things would straighten out. me from my friends or landed me in a wasn’t the first time this had happened in I hated to stop drinking, of course, hospital. My doctor had never discussed spite of my best intentions and plans. It because I actually enjoyed everything it with me, having no reason and my had happened with increasing frequency about it: the taste, the smell and the analyst had told me that it was not the whenever I was released from effect which gave me a sense of well- factor in my disturbance though it might responsibility. A cold, damp sweat folded being, gaiety and courage, for I suffered be wise not to drink so regularly. around me like a blanket and I was filled from an awful shyness and tension with But now I made up my mind to with violent nausea. Later I phoned the people. Also, liquor had been a daily part stop drinking for the rest of my vacation. liquor store. 1 had to have a drink so I of my life for years; helping me through To my horror I found I couldn’t. The could think this through clearly. difficulties, being a reward for work well decision to do so seemed to enhance At the end of a week with days done and a solace when I was terrifically the desire to drink and all I beginning and ending in the same way I depressed. In fact, as I thought about it, accomplished was to make of myself a was reduced to despair and gibbering liquor was a pretty constant companion battle ground – one part of me fighting to panic. I couldn’t go out in the street, let in good health and ill, for better or for drink and the other part fighting not to alone ride in a bus. I was afraid to get in worse. It went on weekends with me and drink. The battle lasted one day and that an e!evatnr. ! co?!!dn1tsit in a movie fnr came home with me. It was waiting for night I got plastered. The victor rode the field for a week in varying degrees of

being slightly tight to being drunk. I never has you by the hand!” Something bigger passed out but I kept trying through the than myself certainly had me by the fog to figure out what in hell had broken hand. 1 stopped drinking with my friends loose. One side of me was making a and began the work I had wanted to do souse out of me with all the symptoms, placing my whole problem in the care of while the other was reeling around the Power greater than myself of which I helpless. had heard so much. My mind cleared, an Then I remembered reading about unknown sense of peace quietly took A.A. and hearing that a friend of mine hold of me, my work went well. I humbly had joined. I phoned and went to see her followed the 24 hour plan and asked no not, of course, telling her the whole story question of myself or IT as to what path but inquiring about symptoms. She I was being lead along or what it advised attending a meeting, where I signified. behaved like the patient outside the That was two months ago. I dentist’s office who decides he doesn’t returned to A.A. so glad to be back and have a toothache after all. I fought every with no inner resistance. Since then I identification of myself with alcoholism. I have attended all the meetings that my had stopped drinking with no effort after work permits, have started some 12th the second meeting and for two weeks I step work and have grown to know many attended every meeting with the sole people and to depend upon their help purpose, I recognize now, of proving to and wisdom when I am frightened, myself that I wasn’t an alcoholic. But in troubled or depressed. The panic has that time I read the book several times gone and I have no desire to drink now and began to follow the program. I talked though I don’t avoid parties and with other members but nowhere could I situations where there is drinking. There get what I wanted – a flat, factual is a new, fresh interest in my job, an statement that I was or was not an unexpected reserve of material and ideas alcoholic in their opinion. It seemed that for it, and an unexpected energy of a I had to decide for myself with the wealth different quality – deep, easy and relaxed. of knowledge and experience spread Most important of all is a consciousness before me at meetings, talks and in the of a growing experience with a Power literature. Then, suddenly, I had to go outside myself which 1 depend upon and away for two weeks and I began to drink trust and which takes over for me things again with the friends I was visiting. But which are too much for me – more things something had happened to me. than my drinking. All this fills me with Sometimes I think you get this program awe and a profound gratitude to A.A. for through the pores by just going to this new and happy life I am living. meetings, being with members and Beatrice keeping your mind and heart as open as you can. Once you get inside, as my father used to say to us kids: “the Lord

January 1945

In Texas, Women Too, Are Wonderful

In May, 1943, Esther E. arrived in beginning we had only one meeting a Dallas! For the problem drinkers of this week in Esther’s home. Then we used city that is an historical news item, and the office of one of our members for what the history of the Dallas group of we called our business meeting, having Alcoholics Anonymous must necessarily our social gatherings in the various be a eulogy to that lady. homes. For quite a while we were only Esther is a comely gal with about seven in number, but that period personality plus, who had assiduously meant a great deal to those seven. Then carved out one whale of an alcoholic we began to overflow the office at our career for herself until she became disposal, so we hired a hall once a week innoculated with A.A.; result – she has at the Y.M.C.A. found not only sobriety but a happy life; The first year of growing pains she’s comelier than ever and that witnessed the customary fluctuating personality fairly reflects the beneficent membership, but we believe that the past influence of the A.A. way of life. seven months have brought us a certain For two years Esther had been coordination and that our future growth one of the most active members of the and expansion will be surer and steadier. Houston group, but upon her arrival in Now we have forty active members and Dallas she found herself High and Dry we definitely feel that at least we have (contradictory in our language but true) emerged from our swaddling clothes. without the life-giving activities of an A.A. The request for this article comes, group. So she really went to work. The it seems to us, at an opportune time, for material was here, of course, for Dallas we are a happy bunch. On December like any other city has a plentiful supply 2nd we held our business meeting in our of alcoholics – good, bad and indifferent; first home – if you can call a space in an but Esther’s first efforts among some of office building that. But it’s ours – the her former drinking buddies were pretty coveted Club Room, and we’re proud of discouraging. Then one of her Houston it. Meetings are held on Mondays and “Babies” (another lady souse) put in an Thursdays of each week but the Club appearance, and finally Esther found a Room is open on every other night as male alky – an A.A. from Oklahoma City – well as on week ends, so some of you just what she had been praying for, she traveling A.A.s remember to look us up. said. Merle S.,Dallas, Taus That was the origin of the Dallas group of Alcoholics Anonymous. In the

February 1945

Letters….

Dear Grapevine: It seems to me it complete possession of my bewildered is quite important to stress the danger to brain. “Go out and get a drink or an A.A. in taking medicines containing two …y ou need it ….you must have it,” a the minutest quantity of alcohol. Some voice seemed to whisper over and over are susceptible, as I am, to the “poison” again. I was frightened, and began to in these medicines, no matter how tiny fight that first drink, we all know is so the dose may be, as it sweeps fatal. insidiously thrpugh the blood stream to Again the voice, “Oh you can do it, the brain. For many years I have been a just take one or two and come straight periodic drunk. Years ago a physician, home…. hurry up and get dressed.” Then endeavoring to “cure” me, remarked that I thought of the little black address book I should never touch aromatic spirits of with the names of many A.A. members. ammonia, tonics, or any medicine What good did that do? I had no containing alcohol. telephone and did I go out to phone It is an amazing fact, to me. since might I not take a drink? I sat transfixed joining A.A., that six months before this in my chair for one hour. I tried to occurrence I had not had the slightest smother old John 6 . with the steps of our craving for the old stuff. I contracted a program, the shame I’d feel in the eyes severe cold, followed by a stubborn of the members I loved, if I let him beat cough which was a pippin. So I dosed me up. I prayed. Finally I could wrench myself with two bottles of a well-known myself from the chair to get to the cough mixture. I noticed it said on the kitchen for a glass of milk I did not want. bottle 14 per cent alcohol, but forgetting I had won the battle. It was short what the physician had told me ages and tough. It was he following day. I pas, I dismissed that from my mind thought: Could that have been alcohol in entirely. One night alone in my my medicine? I knewit was. I don’t want apartment, nothing annoying or worrying that to happen to others, like myself, who me, a sudden compulsion for a drink are struggling for a new and better life. ObLrcame me. It seemed to take Marie B., New York, N. Y:

May 1945

Do You Know : THAT YOUR CANDOUR IS CONTAGIOUS

I’ve been in A.A. for two years and MY other reasons stem from this It is drinking and getting drunk that during this time I have told hundreds of one, and yet they are more important bothers friends. relatives, neighbors. And people about it. As a writer it is my reasons. For I feel that my own even this is being looked on with more business to know all kinds of people. As unembarrassed attitude, my own and more understanding, thanks to the an individual, it is my pleasure to do so. frankness and freedom in the matter, frank attitude of the average A.A. For the I have friends and friendly acquaintances affects everyone with whom I come in more people learn about A.A., the more of all ages, backgrounds, religious contact, and with whom I talk. Freedom creeds, and types of education. People in more lenient they become toward the from guilt and embarrassment is the only every imaginable occupation from cook alcoholic and his problems. And the attitude that we alcoholics can have. If to Cabinet Member. Also in these two easier it is for the alcoholic to shed his we want to “forget” about our drinking years, I have met countless strangers, fears, and face himself. and conceal our past and pretend or made endless new acquaintances. I sound like a bushel of sweetness wish we weren’t in A.A., then we have Whenever the subject has come up, I and light. Alas, I am far from that. There not yet forgiven ourselves. It is highly have said that I don’t drink any more. are plenty of people around these United important that we forgive ourselves And if people have shown any interest States (not to say a few in Europe) who utterly, or others won’t forgive us. They I’ve told them all about A.A. But in all this hate my eyeteeth and wish I were will continue to sense in us shame and time I have had only one hostile reaction, pushing up buttercups this very minute. fear. Then they in turn will feel uneasy. and that from a woman who is now I have not gotten them all to forgive me. They will continue to think of the subject considering A.A. for herself. I’llbe doing well if I get half of them to do as a moral issue, censurable, My reasons for talking so freely so before I’m through. Yet I think that as objectionable. We must be ready to say are several. First (but not the most I progress in A.A., I will be able to get a to people what we say to ourselves. That important) is my own selfish reason. I am few of them to realize that I’m not our past is our sick behavior, and that so relieved, so glad to say I am an responsible nowfor what I did then. That our present and our future is our alcoholic. To know why I was sick, to convalescent and our well behavior. That I am trying, to the best of my ability, to know that I am not immoral, evil, or we are living from day to day, in our new make amends, through 12th step work, crazy. I am so glad to be able to go back present, which is our strong secure and in all other possible ways, and that I, to those people before whom I got drunk future, forever. Herein lies all the hope of like everybody else who is working at in the past, before whom I behaved our lives. A.A. have undergone a change that is a badly, and be able to say: Look, I am an I think that this attitude within miracle. alcoholic. That’s why I acted the way I ourselves is most contagious. Over and This brings me o my last reason did. Now I don’t have to act that way any over I have heard from other A.A.s how for telling the world. When 1 say to my more. For this load is now lifted This they have gone to a frightening boss, friends and strangers, I’m an alcoholic, I awful load of shame, fear and guilt. and talked to him, only to find him belong to Alcoholics Anonymous, I am Instead of avoiding people’s eyes, friendly and helpful. How they have won saying something wonderful, something instead of wondering what they think of over stiff-necked relatives, or a narrow- good. I am saying, look at me now. Look me, instead of crossing the strqet when minded community, in the most magical at what I was. Maybe I’m not much now. I see them coming, I can keep on and wonderful way. For seldom does But I am well. I am happy. Happier than walking down the street, say hello, shake anyone lose a job, a friend, the esteem I’ve ever been in my life. I am no longer hands, and smile. of his neighbors because of notdrinking. scared to death. I can work. I can love

people. I have hundreds of new friends who understand what I went through because they went through it, too. I am no longer lonely and alone. From being a dead weight, and useless, I have become of great use. Not because of myself as an individual, but because of what I’m a part of. For this thing I’m a part of is one of the greatest things this world has ever seen. Hope, and belief in the goodness of people, and love. In this present world, where we are living in the precarious shadow of our mistakes, is it not wonderful to belong to a thing like this? I’ll tell the world it is. Felicja G.,New York

” Anniversary reprint pursued to the bitter, often fatal, turn can take the newcomer’s hand From the May 1945 Grapevine end. and lead her into a world where What, in that case, has killed there is real equality- where all these “hidden alcoholics,” these are alcoholics together, acceptable “protected” women? Not alcohol- by their own admission of that fact. ism. Stigma. They can help her to feel no longer We women who have found the alone, a marked creature to be hidanswer to our alcoholic problem in den and shunned, but a wanted and Women Alcoholics AA have learned also that there should be no stigma attached to needed part of a vital, living society of her own kind.

Have a Tougher Fight ‘. %’/K7, 1 this alcoholic disease so many of us share. We have learned that it is The return to honesty is hard for all alcoholics, but for most women nothing to be ashamed of, that it is it is harder than for men. Everyan illness like any other, with a thing in the pattern of a woman. name and symptoms, and we have alcoholic has conspired to make her How this fact oflers an exceptional opportunity learned that we can get well. dishonest. It hasn’t been entirely to women members of AA Many of us found it almost im- her fault; the world and its ways possibly difficult to take the First are much to blame. But we women Step, to admit that we were what can get there as well as the men-

‘ W OMEN alcoholics do have special problems. To begin with, the double standard works overher liquor in a few months of alcoholism than most men alcoholics learn in years. In the process, she we had considered that shameful thing, an alcoholic. What would people say? Wouldn’t it be still witness the number of us, good AA members (one in ten of our 1945 membership). We need perhaps a time for them. Even before they also learns a great deal about hid- worse than our hidden, bitterly pain- little more help, a little more tolerbecome alcoholic they’re in a dif- ing her true thoughts -in other ful, pre-AA state? Could we pos- ance, a little more time. We need ferent position from men who words, about dishonest thinking. sibly admit anything honestly any extra education on the sedative drink. They are expected to handle And finally, a great many women I more? We’d been away from reality problem, too often for us the Siamit if they drink at all. “No one likes alcoholics learn the last retreat ,I so long- we’d twisted and turned ese twin of our alcoholism. We need to see a woman drunk” is a phrase from possible exposure: they dis- so adroitly in our speech, our ac- the example and encouragement of we’ve all heard ad nauseum. As a cover that sedatives are easily hid- tions, and in our very thoughts- other women, and we need to give matter of fact, we don’t like to see den, can be taken almost unob- could we come back? And if we that example and encouragement to it ourselves, much less to see it in served, and leave no smell. And tried, would they let us? Would we those hidden women alcoholics who the mirror, but if we’re alcoholic that they produce the same effect be acceptable? Or would the double need us. there isn’t much choice. as quantities of liquor. . .with ten standard work here too? Those of us who are already well There is one thing a woman times the danger. In AA groups where there are and happy members of AA have a usually can do about it though, and Added to her own efforts to hide already a few women members, great responsibility in the battle most of them do. She can do her the fact of her alcoholism are the some of these early doubts can be against stigma. If we can freely and drinking privately. She can “hole well-meaning efforts of her family quickly resolved. Those who dared proudly admit our AA membership up” and present the world with a to hide her shame -their shame to take the plunge early and alone when there is an opportunity to do picture of besetting headaches, -from the world. Regardless of into this seeming man’s world, so, if we will speak at meetings practically of chronic invalidism. the fact that such efforts rarely de- found themselves not in icy waters, whenever we can, and work with She can learn more about hiding ceive anyone, they are desperately but in a warm fellowship. They in other women, we can win that bat-

tle. Women in smaller cities and free of her illness, happy and well towns have the toughest fight on and ready to tell how it was done, their hands, for the smaller the can perhaps set hundreds more free. community, the more monstrously Women alcoholics are today, in big grows the ugly head of stigma, ever-increasing numbers, seeking fed on ignorance, misunderstand- the answer to their alcoholic probing and gossip. Only the light of lem in AA. It hasn’t been easy for knowledge will eliminate that mon- us to reach them, and it hasn’t been ster, and the light of knowledge is easy for them to reach out to usbest shed through the shining light but it is getting easier all the time. of human example. One woman, We women are making it so. Marty M., Manhattan, N . Y .

MAY 1945 – – -.

One Woman Alcoholic Writes t o Another 1)1-11r I ~ O I l l , rll~olllyo11 wI1c11 1 1 1 ~ 1 1 ~ 1 fl!ll vcry ~ l l l l l ~ l p ] ~ y u p tlrc otllcr cvcnillg. I 110 so wish I coultl 111.11) you. If 1 cotllcl only r~lilkcyou untlcrslnntl whilt it is ~~cccssnry for you lo (lo ill orclc:r to I’ccl 11s hnppy as I (lo 11ow. Wc ilrc vcry r n r ~ c l ~ ~llikc,you krlow-nt leitat wc wcrc 111lti1 I got the A.A. progr11111. 8 I Ilc* stuulhlilrg block will) you, 11s I sc:c i1- .

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w Anniversary reprint as though I were an acquaintance just this way. It is a pattern and you who had dropped in. Time passed. are not alone. You are not the only From the December, Grap Marty came in. woman who has been like this. “I spent six months in Bellevue Thousands and thousands of men and a year in Blythewood,” she an- and women have been like this. And nounced. “I used to go to cheap bars now they are sober. See, it is an illon Third Avenue, when my money ness, a disease with symptoms that ran out. If I had no money, I could we all have. Not a private sin that always ‘borrow’ drinks from men.” you alone have invented.” Marty had sized me up. To an- And so this is the end of my other newcomer, she might have story and the beginning of it. talked gently, asking questions. She For years I thought I was the only knew that for me this would be one. The only ‘nice’ woman who wrong. She talked and talked. She behaved this way. The worse I felt, didn’t stop. I, who had feared to the worse I got. One doctor said to I speak, couldn’t get a word in edge- me: “Remorse has contained within wise. I tried a couple of times. No it the intention to do it again.” This soap. She was a girl with my sort was a brilliant and wise saying. But There’s No Double Standard of background. She and Helen both I could not auit beinge remorseful. – – —

had my tastes and interests (that is, I could’ not, stop doing it again, getwhat I still fondly considered my ting drunk again and again. It’s a tastes and interests. I really had progressive disease. . But I didn’t none but liquor and self-abasement.) know that. I just thought I was be- I sat there and listened. Two coming a worse and worse person. I SAT jittering in Bill’s office. My psychiatrist had sent me to see Bill. call. He wrote a name and an address on a slip of paper. “Here is an alcoholic girl,” he women like myself. They were like me. They drank the way I did. Es- I avoided my ‘respectable’ friends more and more. My ‘unrespectable’ I had said to her: “Good. I’d like said. “Why don’t you go and see pecially Marty. Marty, who like me friends, with whom I had cast my lot to meet him. Wouldn’t it be fun to her? Now?” had gone to cheap bars. At last, (in order to drink all I wanted to in get him to take a drink?” I fell for that. I said, “Is she still someone else who was as horrible company) -even these friends crit- She laughed a nice easy laugh. drinking?” as I was. And she was horrible no icized me more and more. They, She’ said, “You couldn’t get him to “No,” he said, “but she will al- longer. who had thought at first that I wag take a drink.” ways be an alcoholic just the same. I heard every word Marty and such fun, now avoided me. They I heard that. It stayed with me. Just as I am; just as you say you Helen said. In that short hour some- told me not to come around when I You couldn’t get him to take a are.” thing was lifted from my heart, never was drinking. And I was always drink. ‘ I didn’t know where I was going, to return. Three psychiatrists had drinking. So I, the girl who was going to or what to expect. I didn’t expect an failed to do it over a long period of I, who, like most neurotics, had a get Bill to take a drink, now sat attractive apartment. I didn’t expect years. high, pure ideal, an unattainable here, talking to Bill. the girl who answered the door- “You are sick,” Marty and Helen ideal of the person I should be, now He told me a few things, the fun- Helen, a friend of Marty’s -to be said. “You are sick, not wicked. See, found myself unwanted everywhere. damentals. I heard all of those like that. I was a sight and a mess. it is a pattern. You have followed I, who had meant to be the wittiest, things, too. Then he made a phone She didn’t notice it. She talked to me this pattern. We, too, behaved in the prettiest, the most desirable of

women. The woman whom every- what is known as a family bar. There the intention to do it again.” Many people all over this country, body would be just crazy to have was a little group that dropped in Yes. Every morning (or after- indeed all over the world, still think around. (You note here that I regularly. They were as gossipy and noon) I’d swear never to do it again. the same way. They think all drunks wanted to be liked and loved, but moralistic as a country club set. I must stop, I’d say. I must taper off. are a disgrace. They think women didn’t want to like or love anybody They were not alcoholics. I must swear off. It was not only the are doubly disgraceful. But now, at in return.) So I, who planned to be the most hangovers that bothered me. I did last, through the press, through the I was now reduced to going to a beautiful, witty, charming and not have the ordinary remorse of more widespread knowledge of AA cheap bar for my social life. I hap- sought-after woman in all New someone who has merely gotten and of alcoholism generally, these pen to have a small income. I never York, was spending my evenings drunk. It was as though I had some old witcheries and taboos are breakcadged drinks from strangers be- annoying the customers in a gin mill. inner skin disease, something awful ing down. cause I didn’t have to. I never was The customers moved their bar stools and sore, eating away at the fabric More and more people are underrobbed, assaulted, beaten up. But I when they saw me coming. of myself. And then, at night, this standing that alcoholism is a disease; might have been. The difference be- But this place was my last refuge. fabric would reverse itself into the that the alcoholic, whether man or tween the ‘protected’ woman alco- Here was the last spot on earth to bright, joyful excitement, the antici- woman, can be helped and is worth holic (even the woman who drinks search for ‘It.’ The joy of living. Ful- pation. I would think, I’m going to helping. secretly in her room and never goes fillment. I called it pleasure. I went the bar tonight. I’m going to get And as for me, who felt so terout) and the panhandler on the there every night looking for pleas- drunk. Not too drunk. Just enough. rible, I now feel wonderful. I am Bowery is economic. Are you ure, the pink balloon. Something This is a common experience. In getting well as a person. I, who did shocked? But this is so. A drunk, sick and hungry in me set up an AA you hear this story told over and not believe in anything except my- , man or woman, will do anything to inquiry for this elusive thing. “I will I ‘ get a drink. Anything -eventually. drink, and it will come,” I said. over. But I know how all the women in the world feel who have had, and self, and who cared for no one but myself -I think that a Higher Perhaps the men, more than the “This thing I have never had, and are having, this grief and misery and Power must have sent my psychiawomen, know that this is true. never found anywhere in all my life. shame and guilt. More and more trist to hear Bill talk just at that I didn’t hit the gutter economic- A few drinks, and 1’11 get it.” But women are coming into AA. But time. It was around the time that my ally, but in spirit I was there. I spent during the disappointment of those there are still countless women who last chance was at hand. I was very every night in that cheap bar. I was first drinks, I knew I didn’t have it. are afraid to come. They are afraid near death. And I, who was going to able to drink there ‘safely,’ but I was This was a boring gin mill. Sordid. to admit they need help. Sometimes get Bill to take a drink,. I have despised by everyone. What could I find here? And I they won’t admit it to themselves. learned what the word humility Lots of people think that anything would drink more to overcome this They have applied the double stan- means. I have learned what the goes in a gin mill, that you can get terrible emptiness. I did not know dard to themselves. They think that words love and understanding mean. as drunk as you like and behave any that the lack was in myself. That joy, they are worse than men. I have a long way to go, but AA is way you like. Not so. Women, es- fulfillment, pleasure and love were And they do not know that they like that. You keep going. You never pecially, are expected to behave. A chronically absent from me; that all are just sick people who need help. stop. AA is a constant restatement lady lush creates disturbances. Men the pleasure I had from my drinking A woman who has TB doesn’t think of a few simple things that we must are bound to want to pick her up. If was anticipatory. she is worse than a man who has all have if we are to keep sober, to she doesn’t want to be annoyed, as I was so sick mentally, now, that TB. It’s the same thing. be happy or to live at all. the saying goes, the bartender has I was afraid to drink alone. I was Felicia G., Manhattan to protect her. If, on the other hand, going toward my death, and someshe encourages advances from men, how I knew this. I stayed in that bar there may be trouble with the police. till it closed. ,The little bar I frequented was “Remorse has contained within it

March 1946

AFTER HER “WILL POWER” FAILED

For several months my drinking straighten up. I didn’t know how to spree ended in a sanitorium. There I habits were becoming steadily worse. I straighten UP, except by taking a few heard more about A.A. would not give up hope that at some drinks to quiet my screaming nerves. Thinking that I would contact future date I would be able to control my Naturally, the second day duplicated the them, I went home. The humiliation of drinking. Somewhere in the back of my first, and the third and the fourth, until at having to be locked up in a sanitorium to mind, I had the idea I would trot out this last it would only mean death if I didn’t get sober kept me from drinking too “will-power” others seemed to have and get off the stuff. Finally I shook it out with much for a month, but Brother Alky to put it to work when I needed it. the help of my sister. caught me again in his trap. It was then Somehow I had been able to shake it out This was the first time I has ever I began to believe that I was hopeless. after a night and day of drinking but this been on such a spree. 1 resolved never I at last turned around and faced time I didn’t seem to be able to face the to do it again. But I did. Again and again. the woman from whom I was trying to get kitchen stove until I had a drink. Each time it became increasingly worse. away. I listened to her say, “You are a Fortunately, there was a little left in the My hangovers were almost unbearable. doomed woman, you know you can’t stop bottle, so while my husband was in the There was no happiness when I was drinking by yourself. You’ve tried many bathroom shaving I took a “quickie.” This drinking. It was simply oblivion. I knew times but always failed. You’re future is steadied me enough to enable me to nothing of what transpired for days and black as sin. You will either kill yourself cook our breakfast, mine consisting of then remorse would catch me in its or die in a drunken condition. Your black coffee. clutches. husband is sick of you. Your sister is sick As we all know who have travelled At least the voice of my sister of you; even you are sick of the thing you this road, along about 10 o’clock the penetrated my befogged alcoholic mind. have become – you must have help.” shakes return. I saw no point in suffering. She read to me an article in our local I tried to pray, but no words came. Another “quickie.” Needless to say, I ran paper – something about an organization I felt I had wondered too far from God for out of whisky, dressed and went to the called Alcoholics Anonymous. She asked Him to hear me now. liquor store and returned with a fifth. me why I didn’t write them. I paid very Being unable to hold a pen in my It now became necessary to take little attention to her, but after she left I shaking hands I asked my niece to write the drinks more often. By nightfall, hunted feverishly through the paper for a letter to A.A. for me. This she did with instead of having a clean house and hot the article to read it myself. I never found some doubts as to the wisdom of her supper when my husband returned from it, so thought she must be “nuts.” action. Two nights later, while lying on work I was a drunken object piled in the I decided now was the time to use the couch holding a book before me bed. I had hidden the bottle in the this “will-power” of mine and at the next wishing I could read and get some sense bathroom and all during the night I would party we attended I trotted it out. I took out of what I read, someone knocked on slip in and take a wink. Of course, only two drinks the first hour, but my door. I now know that knock opened morning found me a sha!ting mass of goodness knows, that “will-power” of mine let me down. After the first two I the door to a new world of opportunities. nerves. My husband again left for work Three women and a man entered, all with a warning that I m u d stay sober and wound up as usual – drunk again. This

nice looking people. People who looked Now in my sixth month of sobriety like neighbours – but they were different I can laugh about it, but then I had a for they were members from A.A. They hard time forcing myself out to meet were alcoholics, they had come in people, to expose myself to public view. answer to my feeble cry for help. Thank goodness, I wanted As I sat there holding my hands to sobriety enough to go through anything keep them from shaking, listening to to achieve that happy state, so I went to them talk, I thought, “They can’t possibly work on myself, and others. I have know what I’ve gone through. These emerged from a state of foggy misery, people all look happy and healthy, they and understand my trouble. I understand have not ever been drunks.” They soon that I am afflicted with the disease of dispelled this doubt from my mind. They alcoholism, that though I can never be opened up with both barrels and let me cured, I can be an arrested case. With have their stories straight from the that I am happy. I am free from the shoulder. desire and want of drinking. My eyes are They then asked me if I thought I opened to the needs of others. The good was an alcoholic, if I was unable to and pleasure I receive from helping control my drinking. I reluctantly admitted another is indescribable. I have learned I was an alcoholic, but was whole many things through A.A. I am learning hearted in saying I could not control my something new each day. When the final drinks. They didn’t tell me how to stay curtain falls I shall be learning. sober but they did leave me with How I have achieved this happy, literature and an invitation to attend one healthy state, I cannot say. I do know I of their meetings. could not have achieved it without the I very eagerly seized the literature help of A.A. I do know it is not the and as I read each story in the booklet, mythical “will-power” I once thought I I said, “Yes, that is me. That is me!” had. It is more than that. It is “God- Thus began my new life of power.” sobriety – grateful for any crumbs of Needless to say I am deeply wisdom that came my way, thankful to be grateful for A.A. For what they have able to attend the meetings. taught me – how to live happily – though I went to my first A.A. meeting sober, a state I once though impossible. resembling something someone had Every day I than God for the dreamed of in a nightmare. My face and eyes were swollen, I had bruises all over organization and ask only that I may be able to help other unfortunate persons to me. I always seemed to have trouble staying out of he way of furniture. On my find their true place in life as I have. last binge the tables and chairs, even the M.S., Memphis, Tenn. radiators jumped out and hit me, or it seemed.

April 1946

Men&/ Sobriety Means Spotting Danger Sign&

In 1940 1 took my last drink. A certain pattern of physical aborting the truth. Nor does it stop there. Naturally I hope I will never take another. sobriety had been established. There It invariably leads to a sense of self- But can I be absolutely certain? No, was no longer a definite physical urge to importance that is translated into terms of because I do not believe that I can ever take a drink; but what about mental my wanting to play God. In my own life accept my sobriety as an accomplished sobriety? From then on I began to think and in the lives of others I want to be the fact. Yet, neither do I mean that I am, as much less about a physical slip and director. How smoothly the show would in the early days of it, haunted by the much more about a mental one. I lost the go off, if only I was allowed to manage it fear of returned drunkenness. Then it fear that I could “catch drunk as I could all! This feeling is often directed primarily was a ghost always with me, casting its “catch cold.” In its place developed an against the group – that intractable, dark shadow across the way. What ifthe awareness that if I remained mentally obstinate body of men and women who old pattern reasserted itself? What if I did sober, I would never find myself surely, after all, do need me more than I get drunk? I, who wanted so desperately physically drunk. This became a firm need them. When this happens 1 know to stay sober! conviction and has remained one ever definitely that it is time for me to act. I thought much and with concern since. For me, it is not enough to merely about it, and then one day, quite I determined to recognize all recognize these danger signals. I must unconsciously, my son gave me what subversive thoughts. What better sign, take action against them. This I find can has seemed to have been my answer. for instance, that I am going off the A.A. best be done by doing immediately some He was a bay of 10, captain of one of track than to start feeling sorry for A.A. work. Any one of a dozen ways may those little boy football teams that play myself? That “nobody loves me” felling suffice, but the one which so far has not the game so very enthusiastically and and its companion, “no one really failed is getting myself to an open with such very bad results. His heart was understands me.” Or the pressure signal. meeting. Taking the attitude that it is my set on winning the game against the Here is a world to be remodelled. I, and first meeting, I try to clear my mind of all school’s great rival. As the day drew near I alone, must do it, and that immediately that I have previously known about A.A., I asked him how things were going and or at the most within two weeks. Just as and open it only to what I do not know.’ what the chances were. Earnestly he when the intolerance signal flashes. Then That I shall never know much, can never looked at me and said, “It’s a funny thing, indeed must I be on the alert for when I feel myself to be immune, or as not Mummie, they all want to win the game, start worrying about another’s failure to needing daily practice in the 12 Steps, but they don’t want to practice!” practice the 12 Steps I can be quite becomes plain. I am once more Instantly it struck home! Had I certain I have mislaid them myself. No impressed with the need for and wanted to win the game of sobriety stranger, either, to my impulses, is the greatness of A.A. without realizing that to do so would one which prompts me to believe that I Back on the scrub team I am depend entirely on my own willingness to have never been fully appreciated; that content to let someone else call the practice regularly those things in which circumstances have cruelly diverted plays, certain that if I respond with my mental sobriety has its origin? genius into mediocrity, that old ego best efforts, A.A. will through its program, give top me in return a deep, rich assurance that I need never take another drink. – Farmie L., Manhaftan.

May 1946

An Ex-Secretary Pleads for Anonymity

(The following letter is printed in the hope Things were smoothed out to I want to make two suggestions that it will draw attention to the good reasons for some extent when three months later the anonymity in all public dealings, to avoid undue that may help prevent someone else embarrassment to A.A.s and their families. A policy same thing happened. The night before from the unnecessary grief that has of identification on addressed pieces of mail was the last telegraph company called my come to me from such public use of our adopted by the groups in May, 1945. – The Editors. father-in-law’s home near here, where he lists and names: First, that when sending has recently moved, and asked if I, telegrams or letters the abbreviations be Six months ago I resigned as secretary of Alcoholics Anonymous, was used, and that anyone to whom an secretary of a midwest group to move to there. He gave them my number and address is given be instructed not to the West Coast. I had been successful they called and delivered the message – spell out the word Alcoholics Anonymous up to that time in keeping both my with full identification again spelled out – on mail; second, that groups use up-toproblem of alcoholism and my two years’ from someone in New Mexico wanting date lists as secretaries who retire often membership in A.A. from the knowledge me to locate a drunk in my former home move and their mail goes into the hands of my husband’s family and part of my town. of families or friends. own. They are people totally incapable of I have thought each time would be understanding the problem. the last and there isn’t much more This may save someone else from I had been here only a few weeks trouble and I know that if I had not been damage can be done to me, but my when a telegram arrived at my former so thoroughly grounded in the program of husband says the least I can do is try to home addressed to me as secretary of A.A. the trouble caused by this incident help prevent someone else from having Alcoholics Anonymous with the words would have caused a spill. I wouldn’t like the same problem. It seems so spelled out completely and asking me to unnecessary. One of the principal values it to happen to someone else. If citing locate a drunk believed to be in a cheap of the organization to me originally was this incident would help, I’ll be happy. hotel in the worst section of town. Unable its anonymity. I am sure this is true with R.E. to locate me, the telegraph company many members and in my opinion the delivered it at my father-in-law’s office, more anonymous we are able to remain where it was accepted by his secretary. the greater will to be our strength. Lack . He came out here to California of understanding of our problem by those with the telegram and “faced” my close to us is not a reflection on their husband with the disgrace Iwas bringing intelligence; some people can’t to the family. This placed my husband in understand and since for so long we did the position of having to defend his wife not understand it ourselves we must be to his parents. He came near breaking tolerant of them too, but this lack of up with them permanently. It took all the understanding can cause us a great deal tolerance of their attitude we could of personal unhappiness and I believe muster to “stay on the beam” and we members should try to protect one smooth things over. We had never had another from this misunderstanding. any trouble before.

June 1946

A.A. Discussed on ”We, the Peop/ef’Program

Editor’s note: In answer to numerous requests. The Alcoholism, I an glad to use my name. that has always surrounded this subject Grapevine reprints that portion of the We The The purpose of the National Committee will no longer work in the face of such People radio program on Sunday, May 4, in wh~ch figures, and that by bringing it out into Marty M. explained Alcoholics Anonymous and the is to teach people the truth about work of the National Committee for Education on alcoholism – that this is a disease – and the open we may contribute one step Alcoholism. alcoholics are sick people. By using my toward combatting the problem. name and telling my story, I believe I can BOULTON: (Master of Ceremonies): further that truth. My name is Mrs. Marty M: Mr. Boulton, I’m so glad you said The story of the young lady who is Mann. and I live here in New York City. that, because that’s the reason I beside me now at our microphone, can consented to come on this program be told in just seven words. I want her to B: Mrs. Mann, it seems incredible that tonight. I don’t enjoy airing my personal repeat those seven words for you. a young and beautiful woman like you life, but perhaps others may profit by my should have once been an alcoholic. counsel. Marty: For ten years I was an B: Mrs. Mann, will you tell us now how alcoholic. M: Mr. Boulton, I still am an alcoholic. or why it was you started to drink to excess? B: That’s a shocking statement isn’t it? B: But – I thought you’d been cured. And what courage it must take to make M: First let me tell you a little bit about such an admission. But it’s just that sort M: Oh, no. You must realize that my background. I was born in Chicago, of courage that has made this young lady who is our guest on We he People one alcoholism is a disease a disease which and my family had a good deal of today is as prevalent as tuberculosis or money. I had everything a girl could ask of the leaders in the fight against cancer. My illness has been arrested, for. I went to a boarding school, finished alcoholism. She is a member of and I think and hope it will s!ay that way, abroad, and had the usual coming-out Alcoholics Anonymous and executive but people like me can never safely party when I returned. I was young and director of the National Committee for touch alcohol again, so you can never happy and gay and thought it was fun to Education on Alcoholism. Welcome to say we’re cured. drink. We The People. B: Mrs. Mann, before you contil-rue B: How old were you then? M: Thank you, Mr. Boulton. The name your story, I want to tell our listeners why Alcoholics Anonymous speaks for itself. we invited you to be our guest tonight. M: Eighteen. If that seems young to We are a group of alcoholics who have Alcoholism is mounting at an astounding you – remember that was in the early anonymously banded together to help rate in this country. Reliable sources 20% and that was the era when decent ourselves and each other get well. We have informed us that there are an young men thought it was smart to carry have preferred to remain anonymous for estimated three million alcoholics, and hip flasks. I didn’t know then – in fact I obvious reasons. But – as director of he that one in every six are women. We The didn’t find out until seven years ago – that National Committee for Education on People feel that the hush-hush policy I’m one of those people who should

never have tasted liquor. I thought I startled me, and 1 began to read. As I could drink in moderation. I thought I read, the truth became apparent, and 1 could stop anytime I wanted to. admitted to myself for the first time – I was an alcoholic. B: When did you discover that you couldn’t stop? B: Well, then – 1 assume that Alcoholics Anonymous is responsible for M: A couple of years before I landed in your rehabilitation. a sanitarium. But those years in between were frightful and frightening. I had M: Indeed they are. They didn’t lecture married an alcoholic. He should have me, or look down on me, or make me been an example to me , but he wasn’t. sign a pledge. They did advise me to After our divorce I drank even more. promise myself that I would not drink for Then my family suffered financial 24 hours, and when the 24 hours were reverses, and I had to go to work. My past, to make myself another promise. drinking still seemed under control. Then They taught me to live without alcoho/. I I remember later telling myself I was slipped once or twice in the beginning, drinking for business reasons. Still later it but today, because of their help, I’m well. was to calm my nerves, for by then the We know the alcoholic can be helped liquor was beginning to affect my and is worth helping. We feel this is a nervous system. I thought I was going public health problem, and therefore a crazy. I had to have a drink to make public responsibility. We want the public myself feel normal. I reached the to realize drunks shouldn’t be jailed, but melancholic stage and twice tried to sent to hospitals – because a drunk is as commit suicide. I was a confirmed drunk sick as a man with a mortal disease. But he can. with proper treatment, become a – and didn’t know it. It was then that my useful citizen. I am proof of that. And I friends persuaded me to go to a sanitarium am devoting all my energies to aid those who are afflicted with this dread disease. 0: What treatment did they use there?

M: Psychiatric treatment and it helped a lot – but not enough. Then one day my doctor handed me a copy of the book A/coholicsAnonymous. I was furious with him. I was not an alcoholic! In a fit of temper I threw the book across the room. The book landed on the floor open. More angry than ever I went across the room to pick it up and my eyes lighted on the words, “We cannot live with anger.” The words were so apropos of my mood it

June 1946

No Time for Mere Tolerance

We in A.A. are set in a great system of reciprocity and interdependenceupon which our whole existence rests. We cannot follow the modem-fashion. It will take stronger stuff than this to build in a world so near to catastrophe. What we need more than a fashionable tolerance, which is fundamentally patronizing in spirit, is a burning faith which can change men’s lives. Power comes not by supposing that one view is as good as another, but by finding in honest inquiry what the objective truth seems to be and then following it with stubborn courage tempered by humility. – Sarah K

August 1946

GOD MADE OUR RELA TAVES, TOO If there are more than twenty is not likely that they are going to thousand A.A.s scattered throughout the Urge Reading of Book achieve this alone; they need help as we land, there must be, guessing do. conservatively, at least sixty thousand of Point One might well be, then, to Sponsors and older members can their relatives. That means 60,000 introduce the book and chapter to our do a generous service by pointing out additional problems – ours! Our attitudes own families, and to relatives of those on these values repeatedly during a toward them, affecr our sobriety, both in whom we are doing Twelfth Step work, newcomer’s early months. quality and duration. Should we not and urge them to read it! The more that our relatives consider carefully what those attitudes But that is only a starter. If we appreciate the program, take an interest are, since family is often the most expect to be happy in our own A.A. life, in the group, are welcomed among A.A.s, important influence in our lives? and want newcomers to make the grade, and given a sense of belonging, sharing Over here on the right, ladies and we must be more understanding of our and helping to further the good work, the gentlemen, you find a school of A.A.s near-and-dear ones. We are so sick and less friction, frustration and hinderance who mentally tack up a large sign: No weak ourselves by the time we reach each of us will suffer in progress. Relatives Or Dogs Allowed! And over A.A., we are so full of physical aches, Take, for example, the extreme here on the left, is another group who mental pains, moral sores and spiritual disapproval of so many relatives in complain that their relatives take only a bruises, that it is hard for us to realize regard to our closed meetings. Or long-suffering, skeptical interest in the that those who have lived through our consider the resentment many of them program. Again, here and there, dotted binges with us are generally neurotic feel about the long, intimate twosome around the country, are A.A. groups that cases, too. At this point, relatives are not A.A. powwows that are a major aid to are actually relative-ridden. Some groups their real selves at all, they have lived clarifying our outlook. Naturally, such don’t even dare to have closed meetings, too long in hourly fear, dashed hopes, occasions must seem suspect to because relatives object. Some privations, humiliations and disgust; they relatives left out in the cold. If the gatherings are attended by more have been the objects too often of situations were reversed, might we not relatives than alcoholics; the wives and drunken revenge, vituperation and conclude that we and out intimate affairs husbands come, even if their A.A. is sick betrayal. Justly or not, they have been were being discussed – with no chance or out of town – kin, hell-bent on getting blamed extravagantly for everything. Is it given for us to tell our side of the story? well for them! not natural that they, too, will have to go Or, according to our imaginations, might An old-timer recently hazarded a through a faltering period of recovery and not we surmise that these were bull guess that 95 per cent of the relatives readjustment and recapture of faith? sessions, and sex discussions, and might had never read the chapter written just Certainly, they need sympathetic we not be jolly well articulate about it all? for them in our book Alcoholics understanding, too – and need it badly. Or, supposing we were long-suffering Anonymous. Most of them, however, did And they can come to see, and let us enough to forebear, wouldn’t we feel not know that there was such a chapter; hope, experience, how eleven of the estranged and self-conscious? of course a lot of them didn’t know there steps can be adjusted to their own was a book! benefit. Human nature being what it is, it

– Only by thoroughly understanding drinkers, giving them time to iron out competently. What A.A. hasn’t wished, at that an alcoholic will talk to another their character snags, helping them to do some point, that he had 48 hours in his alcoholic as to no other human, can our so when we can, and even examining day? We have all heard many relatives relatives possibly come to tolerate, our-selves exhaustively on a challenged say, with real humility, that they would approve and even encourage meetings point, to reaffirm or readjust our own gladly be “hewers of wood and drawers and confidential sessions. views. It stands to reason that it would of water” – errand-boys and envelope And as their complete pay off in spiritual and social growth to addressers, if it would help. And as soon understanding is necessary on this point, give the same tolerance and kind as they learn loyalty to observe he so the solution to a great many of the patience to non-A.A.s. All non-A.A.s, but sacredness of our anonymity, so that conflicts that often put relatives on one most especially non-A.A. relatives. they can be trusted, not gossip or spread side of a barbed-wire fence, and information, what mistaken altruists we members on another, lies in the Relatives Can be Helpful make of ourselves to refuse their help! enlightenment of relatives in the whole A.A. program and all that it implies and There are any number of relatives Why Deprive Them of Joy entails. We should stress the word who would be happy to feel useful and a enlightenment, too – and avoid the word part of things. Why waste such a source If, however, the feeling persists ‘ – – – for the very righteous, egoinstruction of good works? Why not tap such a with an A.A. that relatives must not be puffing attitude that the word “instruction” powerhouse of constructive effort? We involved in any way directly with our causes us often to adopt, is salt in a find ourselves with a great work to do – activities, should this exposure to the joy suffering relative’s wounds and helping other alcoholics – and because and strength to be obtained through detrimental to our own pursuit of humility. we seem ordained by our own suffering direct personal giving of oneself to help It is said – and rightly – that A.A. is to do that work as no one else can, and another go completely to waste? A the greatest example of democracy in the since it helps us “make amends” to the husband or wife, mother, son or daughter world. But don’t we risk that ideal if we world we live in to do so, we know the might be encouraged to find another make and feel a class distinction against strength and healing help that being avenue of good samaritan practice. normal drinkers or non-drinkers, and find useful gives us. No relative who properly There is too much suffering in the world ourselves associating happily with understands will want to interfere with or besides alcoholism for them not to find alcoholics only? The luxury of being intrude on 12th Step work – it’s not his an absorbing source of spiritual growth in understood, and of being able to talk forte. But why can’t our folk help with the unselfish aid, with our enthusiastic freely can wreck us if overdone. As soon relatives of our newcomer? And aren’t support. as we were able to look out as well as in, there often a dozen things to be attended In some towns, relatives have we might do well to set ourselves a to for a new and perhaps rambunctious asked for Relatives’ Meetings, and some definite goal, to meet and like a// our prospect – anything from broken of these are successfully under way with fellows, rich and poor, educated and carphones to be fixed, irate landladies to one or two A.A.s speaking briefly, two uneducated, men and women, young and be calmed, broken appointments to be relatives speaking and a long questionold, bores and charmers, a/coholic and explained, trains to be met in place of the discussion period. non-alcoholic! With our slogan of “live drunk – and wouldn’t a surprising lot of Many of the old-timers around the and let live,” we soon learn to relatives be happy and proud to work as country are beginning to wonder whether sympathize, to listen patiently, to shrug at co-partner on some of our cases? further development might not be a great the prejudices, the foibles, the Certainly there is more work to be done contribution to happiness and coeccentricities, of perfectly stranger fellow- than there are A.A.s to do it fully and operation all around. Why not groups of

relatives, run as a sort of auxiliary? They even more than a man, needs the might welcome a list of things to be done warmth of approval, interest, enthusiasm from which they could chose their of those closest to her. Unshared activities; chief of which might well be to interests do not contribute to a happy welcome relatives of newcomers and relationship or a harmonious household. work with them as we work with the The understanding of her folks can do alcoholics. There are so many kind much to cement a woman A.A. to her things to be done for newcomers AND new activities and can certainly add to their families, to bridge them into peace the quality of her sobriety. Surely, there with themselves and ease with the world, is little serenity when a woman is trying all quite aside from the program help to readjust her whole mode of living which only an alcoholic can give to an amidst surroundings that are cold, alcoholic. There are some groups that unresponsive and filled with misgivings, put across outings, bowling teams, or even downright disapproval or tinged baseball or softball games successfully. with ridicule. It would seem wise, Frequentand smaller get-togethersmight therefore, to make a far more concerted be stimulating, helping relatives to know effort with the relatives of women A.A.s each other. than any other. A husband greeted, welcomed and treated as an important Express Your Appreciation element in the picture may well be an oblique kind of 12th Step work that can On the little matter of parties – it well forestall a future slip. might go big if more A.A.s expressed Isn’t all of this collateral 12th Step appreciation and praise oftener to those work in its way certainly, “practicing wives of members who are forever giving these principles in all our affairs?” In forth with sandwiches, cookies, cakes winning and helping a relative to our way and coffee after meetings. We are apt to of living, we make a fellow-member’s take so much for granted, and neglect road easier in the program – and we add the graciousness that could give a kindly another happy and enthusiastic heart joy. propaganda-spreader, which is aiding in With women A.A. members, the educating the public in alcoholism, if opinion and attitude, of relatives are, nothing else. – Grace O., Manhattan often, the keynote of recovery and success. Women are generally more answerable to their relatives, less apt to have freedom of movement and time without disrupting a household. If the woman A.A. is a wife and/or mother, or even a daughter, her comings and goings affect other people. And she,

September 1946

Climbing Back

From San Francisco, Cal. I have to take hold of myself as quickly as I can and try to get that harmony As a person in A.A. becomes back. If I do not, I may get drunk. And I more willing to have a Higher Power help don’t want to get drunk. If I do, I lose all him, he thinks less of himself. He is I have. sustained by and lives only as the It’s a long way back. Believe me instrument of this Power – called God. As I know. I am trying to climb back now. It’s he receives help, he gives help to others. not so easy .The willingness and desire Sometimes, the harder he tries, to stay sober more than anything makes the less he attains. So he must take it me try once more. I hope and pray I can easy and live each 24 hours the very correct those evil things before they build best he knows how. Slowly but surely he up within me again – before they make gets the feeling that he is being helped me forget that 1 am an alcoholic and I by this Higher Power. He feels peace take that first drink. Should I take that and happiness, something money cannot drink, I’d be off to the races – another buy. drunk – the same old pattern of thinking Who am 1 to tell you what it is? I and living. do not know. But when I feel it, it is I know. I tried it. It was not fun. wonderful. Sometimes I lose it. Then I Why? Because A.A. had taught me have to try o get myself in tune again so better. I also know in my heart if I had I can receive the help I know is there. asked this Power for help before I took Because I have felt that help before, I that first drink, and if I had really been on cannot now doubt that it is ever present – the 24-hour program, I would not have if I be willing and ready to receive it – if I got drunk. I hope and pray that all of us do not close my mind and heart. ask for help, and when we receive it, we When I lose this feeling of shall use it the best we know how – each harmony, 1 lose my temper, self-pity 24 hours. returns, I am dishonest with myself, Juanita W jealousy creeps in – so does selfishness.

October 1946 —

I’ W o m e n in A.A. Face s p e c i a l P r o b l e m s — – . -. tnen use it for punishment, or revenge, or cut- Not IJliir~kctl l d i c ~ r l l c n t ti116sorneonc down to size. Once the news d u e

N O\V h a t women for111nn iricrensing m c ~ n bershij~ in Alcoholics Anonynious, tl~cre feeling 111atthey not s c e a ~ sto be n g c ~ ~ c r n l Ilere, tllcri, is a list of ~)crldcxiticsrind snngs. I3ecouse the r e s u l t i ~ ~ g friction discourngcs newhiis ~ C C I Ii~l~sorl~ccl, IIICII gaicrnlly drop n topic. I h t won~coworry the s t m e dead mouse until it’s o d y l~uvca sl)ccinlizctl p r o l ) l a ~ ~ , 1)11t, likc t l ~ c corners, and 1)ccnusc such matters oftcn cause uorecognizn1)le. p ~ r p l ccow wc’tl rotl~crscc, t h y are one! 011cc slips of 1ne1111)crswcll nloug ill sol)riety, no one 6. Wornen nre o qucslionablc help working every blessed so often, a \ V ~ I I I ; I I I c o ~ n c sin, works who s c r i o ~ d ywonts to (lo the I~cstjol, possil~le with lnnl rind vice versil. 111 12th Step work, the on the progrom, l e o r ~ ~ tostolerate and evcn to likc with nnd for sick people, should postpone f t i c i ~ ~ g iutirnntc c o ~ ~ l i d c ~ ~ c oftcnc s lcnd to thc pity thot’s all her Icllorv-nic~~-nt~tl-wo~~~e~~, nut1 in generol the sul~ject.But rcmcmbcr, ns you read, h a t tlic ilkill to love, r~ntlis oftell mistaken for snmc. The ~nokes herself on’ a t l ~ ~ ~ i r i dn~l l~cl l l l ~h r~ t~ .for foults ond co~nplointsopply only to sorue women protective, the mntcrnol, the inspirntionnl in- – cvery dozen who (lo t h t , lhcr e is n I~;lskelfillwho -to many, perhops-hit not to all. They ore te~estoften lands one or both in n broadside slip – iind s o ~ n c t i ~ ~ ine sextra-maritnl experi- ‘ I)econie a c o ~ n l ) i ~ ~ n~l i ou i~s~o ~ ~ c e , I~cnclnchc and not blanket accusations of the sex. I — – – — proI)le~~~. ~ncnts,which, J~owevcr clothed in tlic glory of Now tliere ore plcr~tyof men who wnkc t r o ~ ~ l d e . “l~o~rcsty,”nrc c l i s i l l ~ ~ s i o n i ~ to~ gmnny others, Ilut s o ~ i ~ c l ~tol ~wc1r0111)lowo111c11CilllhU is ci~ll(:r 1. l’he percentage of women who stay with ant1 frequently present a troubling question to so clromntizcd, or so ( i i s l ~ c o ~ t c ~ l iso~ ~ g , sl~odcly A.A. is low. Too ninny of tliem drop out nfter rind ~ ~ n ~ ~ c c e s s o r y it scenis far largcr and 111ii1 111ci~ovclty wcars oll; o few months to o yeor those who are actually trying to live the 12 Steps. 7. Sooner or later, n woman-on-the-make solmore i ~ ~ i p o ~ t thnn is. At i t l i y rule, o ~ it~ liit-t~~ully n11t1.n111ilf. lies illto o group, OII the prowl for phone numon ualortunnte or h a ~ ~ n l u l cpisode here nnd 2. Many women form attichments too intense I w s nnd d o t ~ s .Oddly c:nougl:, perhnps, she docs t l ~ c r eis 110 longer nn isolatccl cxpcricr~ce. And – I)ortlerir~~on the e~notio~lnl.Best-friends, not wenr a plncord and is not olwoys easily w11iIe the w r i ~ c rof this is just o i ~ c\ v ~ ~ ~ i i i A.A. ~ i crushes, hero-worship cnuse strnined relation- rccognired. Results of her operations can couse sticking her ~ ~ c cout k (ir~~tl very gr:~tclul,tlii~nk ships. Ilovoc. you, for or~ony~nityin doing s o ) , it is the 3. So r11a11y\ V ~ I I I C I I w o ~ tto run things. T o 8. A lot of women are attention d e m a n d e k tl~o~~gl~tfu opinion l of n n u ~ ~ h eofr old-tin~crs, boss, ~nn~lnge,supervise, regulate nnd chnnge Sl)otligl~tsisters. They wo~it lo Le s p o o ~ ~ f e d , ill groups nll over the c:ou~~try, 111nt i t I I I ~ 1~ )~ ~I ~ 111i11gs. T w a ~ t ywnnt to decornte; one will scrub coaxed, babied, er~cournged,tcnsecl, prniscd rind wcll to rccognizc t l ~ c sl)cciul tlillicultics thot or ~nentlwhat is alrencly nround. personnlly concluctccl inlo recovery. wolral p~.escntn11d ~nectI ~ I I Iho~icstly.So this 4. Too 11li111yW ~ I I I C I I(IOII’L like womcn. (Continued on I’agc 6 ) is a syniposium, gothcrccl from o n11111l)erof 5. \Vonien tnlk too ~nuch.Gossip is a cnncer gro~tps.And Iettcrs of opi11io11nucl r c a c t i o ~ ~ ore to all A.A. groups iind must be constantly wclcorne. wntcl~ctl.hlen gossip for too much, too. I h t few

— —_-___ — – – i, * – — –

I). FCWw o ~ i i e ~ i cnli thi~rk ~ I I 111c i11,stroct. resentful. And were we in 11icir slioes, might we C) Ulteri& nioiive for cntcring A.A. She wns Evcryhing must l ~ clakc11 p c r s o ~ ~ i ~ l l y . Univcrsiil not firicl it I~nrdmedicine to let our rnan tnkc? not honcstly sccking to gct wcll for hcrsclf nncl t r u ~ l ~ sto, many w o ~ ~ i e n , nrc ~iicaili~~glcss ~CII. Even were we good sports, we m i g h ~feel self- her life, but for some purpose. Once that goal eralitics. These wo~nen are i~npatient of phil- consciorrs ill front of tliese snme W O I I I ~ I I . IIow is nchievccl, her sobridy nnd her cn~l~usiasm for osophy, ~ileditation and discussion. This is ~ h c many women A.A.s stop to realize thnt? A.A. evaporate. kiritl of woninn ~ l l ofigures “Just let’s hnvc h i s Ilcforc nuy othcr considcrntio~i,Ict us r c n ~ i ~ i i l (1) S l ~ cnever grnspctl 111c full program. She I)argai~i;we’ll pay so iliuch hit11 tlow~in ~ i dIIIC oursclvcs agni~i that not all women hnve thc was olie of tliosc, perhaps, wlio found n ~nirncle relt in ias~allments.” \Vliicll is a deceiving deal, fnulls mcr~iionccl, nor has any one womnn nil return of health in tlte 1st and 12th Steps, plus for SIICII buyers nre gclicrnlly tlic once who h o w 11ie faults. And Iiu~nannnture being wlmt it is, group thcrapy. But those who brought her in 10 ivatcl~IIIC collec~orcome and toke tlic pinno n 11u111l)cro f ~ n c nIinvc tlicse sclfsn~ncfaults to ~~evcr sulliciently i~npressedupon her thnt there Imk. n disastrous degree. But somehow, wolncn cnn are 11 Steps thnt mean work on ourselves and 10. \Vo~ncn’s fccli~igsget hi1r1 too 0fte11. ‘I’IIcY cnuse more troul~lc,and wlint is cvai worse, keep only one thnt nienns work wid1 others! rupidly nncl freque~itlyarc niisnridcrs~ootl. the niemory of ~ h cunplensnnt~less nlive longer Then too, women, while drinking, frequently nnd more ncutcly. hnd the ~lirill-wholly false, but very con- 11. Far too lnnny women A.11.s cellnot gct – ~ilotigwith 11ic lion-nlcoholic wivcs of 12.12. mcnl- Not all groups liavc slilTcretl from l i a v i ~ ~ g vincing at the t i ~ n e- of feeling they were cute, \sloliial olcoliolics eilhcr. Bul those thnt Iinve, amusing, bright and witty, or full of energy and bers. Tliey feel asha~iicd o r definnt, n r d t h y show it. Oflei1 llicy ~ i ~ i i v i t ~ i ~ for1)itl i ~ l~ ~\ * ~ r ~ u r c s n ~ i t l 111c i~idividunlswho care (1) thnt women power. They find so1)ricty crnsliingly bleak and — n11c1 IIIW f c d ~ 1 1 1 1 l h d ! LOIS of A.A. W O I I I C I ~ make n s ~ ~ c c c sofs recovery, nntl (2) illat they hurt ns fcw pcaplc ns possil~le cloing it, hnvc their ego bleaker. Sirice compnra~ivelyfew have come in at a very young age, most women- find-reel they n ~ ~ c na d~ i i e c ~ ito~ ~ 1)cg liclpcrl – rind given long nnd cnreful thougllt to t l ~ cdific~~lties. dic-rcdily of facing ul, to midhlc-ngc’or adcoricentrnte to the point of rucle~~ess on 11011-A.A. twlncts. If ~ h c y1)clinve si~pcrciliously ~ownrtl Tcsrctl nntl S ~ ~ g g c s t cSdo l u h n s vancing years just loo gngging – pnrlicularly since they have wasted tlicir cnl)al)ilitics, driiik- IIIC iion-nlcol~olicwives of ~ i ~ e r ~ ~ l , o 111cys ,slioc~ld Ilcrc nrc so~iicof t l ~ cgcnis of wistlom – nrld I~nrcllyco~nplninof Leing trcntcd coolly in rcturn. plcnse write in nny Oiough~syou hnve on the ing away time and thought – rind a r e so poorly equippcd for mnturity. suI)jcc~: 1. Wo~ncndrift airny. Roolet1 ill S u l ) c o n e c i o ~ ~ a. 111a grcnl mnny cnscs it is those ~ ~ o ~ ~ – n l c o l ~ o l i c This secn~sto coriie from four calms: Put this down to rnlnpnnt vanity if you will wives w h o x attitude cnuscs t11c geaernl ill-will. n) Disapproving, or resentful, impnticnt, o r but i t gocs tlccper into the aul~conscioosthan Ton oftcn ~Iicy Iccl sepcrior – i ~ n dshow it. ~~osscssivc relatives. No woman will remnin long that, for men too know vnnity and clrcnd of ngc. Sonle nrc co~lvi~icetlint ulcoholic wo~nea are with nny interest if she is forever having to defy, Add the fe~niniscslow poisons of 111c I’rincc loose mornlly or lrnve Lccn nncl probnl)ly \rill or make npologics closest to her. or take wrcasm from those Cl~ar~ning drennls, the Cinderclln-rngs-to-~hlics, . b e again! These suspect all woinen A.A.s as po- the glninoiir-girl crn, the slay-yorrsg-nt-lcnst-lookle~i~inlrivnls. Evcn wlic~i lio ~lireet of scx is I)) Renctiwi. Whcn the liotieylnoon is over young cn~tipnigns ~ h n t , liowcver disnvowcd I)y nnd it’s n nintter of scttlir~gdow~ito stendy lovpresent at all, a Inrge ~iunlbcr o i t!icsc wives the thinking womnn, nrc ns rnuch n pnrt of her ing work, when the swing of the p c n d ~ ~ l i ~ goes ~n resent closed rrreeling n i ~ dthe irrlirnete (elks n r ~ d subconscio~~s ns nir is 11 1)nr.L of rvntcr. (With from cxcitanent, discovery n ~ i d elation to the co~ilidencesnt ;vl~icli 110 I~OII-alcol~olic cnli bc exceptions, ns to nny rille, of coi~rsc.) Will1 A.A. cxtrcn~cor borcdo~n,npntliy, dislnslc, o r tlisilpresent. They feel left out, hurt; outraged and she faces renlity. The rcco~iversio~i of the biglusionmcnt with nnoiher mcnil)cr, she is apt to gest war fnctory is n no i~iorci~~volvccl joh t l m go ofT tlic dccp cntl. that !

T – .- . – — – — — — – – .A – — – 2. Ncwcolners (men, too, but p n ~icr~lnrly trcncllcry-or lrolll ccllti~ry.old livnlry. For too liu~nnnl~eingregntdlcss of who or wl~nth e or women), should bc mndc t l ~ o r o u g l ~ l ~ conscious Illluly gcllcrnliol~slo courlt, n woninn’s only hollc she mny be. For wolncn to set tllenisclves up as h a t tlicy nrc vcry sick pcoplc – fnr skkt:r 111nrl of wllntcvcr luxury, cnrc, nntl comfort Ilcr world n specin] cnse is qocstionnblc to say the lcnst they fully renlize, and h n t their otr~look nnd ollercd, wns through favor in n mnn’s eycs. Simc – pnrticlllnrly wl~crl one of our cllicf w n k vie\vpOint, their tnstcs nlld lIleir jlIdglllcllls rile ‘ SUCWSS ~011ltlnot nlwn)’s he C O U I ~ I C ~ 011 lhr011611 ncsses ns nlcol~olicshas hccn to strcss the I’mneitller dint h e y once mny I~nvebce11 – or will our own wilcs, lllcre tlcvelopcd a ucnt tecllniquc tli~fc1cr~t-n11tl-nol~ocly-11t1~1crstnnds.m solitutlc of be nher a testa1 nnd sustnilled lwriod of sol)ric~y. i n CIIII~II;: our sis~crsfro111u~ldcr-good! thought thnt lcnds 10 desolnlion. o n these nrgu- A woman coming into A.A. is usllnlly llipl~ly Ccrtninly n c!lilllgc of Ilcnrt – or n chnnge of nients, mnny A.A.s nre ngoinst W O ~ C I I ‘ S groups. emotional; she hns livcd 1liror1~11n pcriotl ol vicvpoi~lt- is ~~cccssnry ill n solllltl, I~cnltl~y, nut illere nre no rulcs and regulntions in A.A., thnt pcculinr kind of nbysslllnl lollclillcss l h t hnppy I I I ~ I I I ~ . \\II)IIIIVInrc p-d h l f O[ I ~ I Cpop- nnd n nu111Ler of wo~lial’s grotlps nrc cloing reonly drinkers cnn know, nncl her f i r n t i ~ ~ ~nnd dc ulntiol~,nntl it I)cl~oovcsus, l~owcvcrslowly, lo r~lnrknl~ly ~vcll.Sonic women prcfcr them. clependency on tliose who nrc kind nnd llclplul 1cnr11 to likc, lo u~~dcrstnr~tl nncl to Itcll) ench ‘I’l~crc nrc otllcrs who llnve lnnnnRccl to strndnre npt to be all out of bounds nntl mistrnnshted olher; nntl ivllcn wc llnvc Icnr~~ecl tllnl, to pnss dle 111ispoint hy for~ning~VOIIICII’S unils that both by lierself nnd otllers. 1\11 her renclinns nre on the itlcn ns cnrly ns possil)le to our clnugllters have weckly gatherings, meeting in private ‘apt to b e inlcnse (even ~liosewho rencl~rd the ntitl fcninlc nssocinlcs. holnes. T h y arc not run ns groups per se, but an Icthnrgic slow-thinking slnge cnn for111 fixnliorls~ It’s otltl nntl it’s wo~~tlcrful, 111111 nlnlly WOIIICII hour’s di~ct~ssion is heltl on n previously selectnnd she sliould Rilnrcl ngninst ntiy s ~ r o ~ i g n11nc.11- 11avc Icnrncd to likc wonlcn for the first timc in cd nllicd lopic or n point in 11ie progrnm, aflcr ments, male or fcmale, until she hns I~cctlsol)er A.A. We Ilnve, to I)cgi~iwill], thnt mngical h o d d i i c h tile ninirl portioll of ~ l l eevaiing is g i w l long enough to Iinve ocliicvcd sollie s~nl)ility. of colmloll sullcring h n t joins 11s in lllc hnltlc lo infor~ltnl ~ n l k ovcr rcfrcsl~men~s. T h s encli – – With men ntld wonicn 111row11togctllcr ill for rccovcry. It’s n sullcritlg lllnl prclty 1111lch woman comes to know a number ‘of-otliers-well vnrying degrccs of recovery from n discnsc thnt s t r i p us of tllc s u l t ~ c r f u ~ c s nntl cloclgcs wc’vc ‘ enough to feel a kinship, to go to meetings with, . is charged with c~notionnl disturl~nnce, the pit- prncticed so long. \Vc shoultl rltrrturc this bnsic to phone without a sense of strangeness, and to fnlls nre mnny. Any nlcoholic h s COIIIC tllro~~gli cultivnlc loynll y lo cnch olhcr, w h l – ~ w c ~ ~n ~t di s c do 12th Step work with. There can develop a a long lonely time of it (gencrnll y scl l-inflicted, cvcr cnch otllcr’s fn1111s. Nolhing, pcrlinps, will fine feeling week by week of confidence and unbut lonely just thc snlnc), nnd nflcctio~~n~c rc- IIC rnorc snlulnry lo the whole pnrccl of A.A. ., derstanding that is often of great aid in averting actions, t h e old, old rebound, 111c ncw rclur~lof p r o l h ~ i stllnn n feeling which nll A.A. wonlrn a slip. life and zest, the happy experience of undrr- sllould scck to cs~nl~lisll, surrtnin n r d c o ~ i c ~ it 5. So does everybody, and too often the curb stonding, tolernnce and synipatlly, Iinve been thnt we stnt~iltogc~l~cr. Not against anyl~odyor is neither stressed nor practiced. A lot of newthe cnuse of too ninny slips to do Alcoliolic~s nnytl~ing,but nlost ccrlninly logellwr. And show comeu earnestly resolve to refrain from gossip Anonymous any bit of uncl hnve d o o m d ourselves nnd he world tlmt we cnn, do, and like, to work togetllcr. – only to be disillusioned by others who glmmany an individunl to total fnilurc in pcrmil- fully broadcast confidences and embroider denent recovery. Newcomers, tllerefore, sliot~ldbe tails. A “repeater” is something like a Typhoid ‘il’oa~cn’e Rlcc~iliga impressed dint we nre all sick peoplc in some Mary.,Any A.A. who tells intimate secrets and stnae of recu~mation. Wolncn’s groups nrc working out s~~ccessfully – u 3. smse humor seelns bc tile rcmcdy in ninny cities, 1llo11gI1fllndnn~cn~nlly segrcgn- blabs case histories is as false to her trust as a ti011 is sot~lervllnt contrary lo A.A. principles. priest or a doctor who would publish a patient’s liere – plus the first nclive prnctice of n little confessional outpourings. Discretion is a valuhumility. Alcollolics nre 1)nrltlccl l o g c ~ l ~ cinr tllc fcllowsliip of n bnsic ~nalndynntl ns n pnrt of our llenling able lesson to learn; loyalty and kindness are 4. This mny be due to a specific cnasc of even more so. Nothing should be told unless for we nir~st I ~ r l pcncll otllcr nntl likc our fcllow I the immediate and express purpose of aiding

– — – – — – A — – — – –that sick person. ~ e s h o u l dprivately vow never The rest of the difficulties stated in this article ruthless and so intolerant that it led them into to tell anything without the knowledge of the are due to the particular struggle women have in drinking. They perhaps more than anyone dse person who gave the original confidence. If we understanding and acquiring the two founda- have to pick themselves up out of the deepest set the aim that high, our tongues will be pretty tions of A.A. – humility and honesty. We are disillusionment. And they, far more than men, –well bt idled. born with organs that involve suffering and sac- are the ones apt to be most impatient and criti- 6. Those who are sincere in 12th Step work rifice. We find that this inheritance evokes in cal of their slower sisters whose minds and are not apt to approach it with the remotest our fellow man the highest and the lowest of in- moral standards have had no training for the sense of flirtation, Lord knows. But sex con- stincts. Is it any wonder that our emotional new so-called freedom. sciousness is not t o be denied by those even a values, supercharged alternately with fear and When we were in favor, in the past, when we fraction more than eunuchs, and if we pray “Lead desire, are apt to be unstable? Add to that the pleased, we were praised and flattered and treatus not into temptation,” it should follow that traditional conditioning of centuries of chattel ed tendedy. We instinctively expect such treatwe do not lead ourselves into it. St. Paul’s ad- status – of servitude, of the menial . .. ment now for whatever we do. Of course our monition that we “avoid the appearance of evil” Recently in the world’s history women have feelings get hurt easily; we are oversensitive can save much misunderstanding and manv false emerged as individuals with rights. Few as yet we are cruelly aware of our secret inferiority, conclusions. have been fully aware that with rights and and many of us are acutely conscious of our in- Certainly a woman new to A.A. should be ad- privileges go responsibilities and obligations. adequacy to handle freedom. vised to tread lightly – and never singly – But when women irk you, keep remembaing So let’s be patient and understanding, we with male members. She should be encouraged how very, very recently were they permitted an women, of ourselves and of each other. And let to work with a man, or get.help from a man education, allowed even to sing in a choir, be men remember, when baflled, that women are member only when anotha A.A. is present, male accepted in a college, or be permitted to own working out of an inheritance of abject slavery. or female.’ . and dispose in their own names. The real problems aren’t so different in the’ This practice of having another A.A. along is Until yesterday then, a woman’s only way to ‘ . main from those of -men. . Men perhaps-,have a quickly acquired resolution with many women whatever standing she achieved was chiefly other basic defects, some harder, others easier to anyway. (Except of course on visits to hospitals through enticement, cajolery, defiance, subter- recognize, admit, and discipline. Except that we or other public places where help or witnesses fuge, the weapon of the deadly tongue, and pan- cnn be dnngerous to each other, tllnnk the Lord if needed can be easily summoned). dering to man’s basest instincts. Honesty comes who made it so. Let’s not kid ourselves. And let’s 7. For every lady “tramp” who comes into a hard? Humility comes hard? It’s small wonder. not make a point of it. ~ ” tlet us recognize it group there are several times her number in wolves and would-be wolves. Unehcouraged On the other hand there are innumerable – honestly and humbly. women of our day (many are in A.A.) whose It’s true that circumstances alter cases. But she’ll drift rapidly out – or buckle down and honesty and innate perfectionism became so not much.-Crace O.,Martha~tan. do a job. Who are we to judge? We should refrain from judgment and give everyone a full exposure to our ideals. But being open-minded and tolerant does not mean to condone anything verging on loose morals. ,

DECEMBER 1946 . .

A.A. Wonten and Vives Sometimes Smz~g? sparsely occupied diriiug car rolling t l ~ cgroilp. SIN co~npli~i~iecl tlmt her own home, Dixie, I coultln’t help but ovcrl~curtlie llcr own social set was as good 11s any of those conversation at n ncnrhy tnhle betwccn a nian slw snw on A.A. visils, and yet tllc wivcs of a d nrr ottraclive woninn. She wns suggesting ~neml)crsalways treated her ns though she were A.A. for his wife, and prnising its works quite nil upstart nncl they let her know by word nnd auclil)ly, tlrough she herself wns downing a Iliglr- cxprcssiol~that if it weren’t for A.A. they wouldn’t ball. Because I am tlie wife of a n A.A., mysclf tolernte her. and not an alcoholic, I g~lesscd she was too. A s I cxl)luir~cd,I’m n wife mysclf, nnd prob- Then 1 Iienrtl l ~ c rexplrii~ithut shc l~ersclfllncl n ihly gllilty of rnnny of tllc oflenses ngninst ncw dritlkilig prol~leni wlliclr slia I I I I ~ I ~ ‘ Ilee11 nblc girls rliid women which wnrp their first i~npresto lick, o d 111ir1, comi~ig,nftcr licr e s p o ~ ~ s aofl sions of all A.A. wonlea. And we wivcs, wliilc A.A., ~nntleme wontlcr why shc Ilntl rnissctl con- iilso Ilavilig personality and cllnrncter-developnections wilh it. ment prol)lcms of our own to cope with, ciln Wl~cnthe tnnn Icft, I joined her, i l ~ i t lwc con- ~~o~iotliclcss 1it:k them lriore cnsily tllnn tlic nlcolinued h e coi~vcrscl~ion. Sllc we111 on lo 1cl1’1nc liolics if we realize tllnt they nre potentially h a t she lived in n medium.sinctl soittlicrn city clnmuging as theirs, nnd apply h e progrpl which llns two A.A. groups, llncl nt~cntleclmeet- our own i~ctivitiesnntl ~lrinking. , x ings for many ~nontllsiir~tl hntl scrio~isly en- I cilti’t sl)cnk for wonicn ulcohnlics, Inlt I (lo clenvorcd to stny otl llic prograin. Whnt drove ~liiak11ii1t the wivcs of A.A.s slio~iltlnlwiiys 1)c llcr out, or rntller I~nck?’I’lie otl~crwomcn! o ~ illit~itlto lielp \VCICOI~IC, and rcnlly wclcoine, True, I clicl~i’t know licr pcrsonnlly. Shc wns nny won~cnwho wish to nvnil tlicrnsclves of h i s good to look nt, wcll dressed, well tnannered, and wny of life. What if they (lo nttcnd closed meetwell spoken. She told me slic had n Ilusl)nnd who ings wl~crewe nrcn’t present? Aren’t they work- Ilucl never fniletl to elnnd I)y hcr, and 11 grown ing on tllc stimc prollcrns ns our I~ushnntls?A ~ i d son. Notlring o u ~ w n r t l l ~ ol)jcc~ioriul)le;ill fact wouldn’t they I)e far less fcilrsoinc wonlcr~if they cxtrcmcly pcrso~ial)leant1 plcnsnnt. wcrc our good fricncls? What tlie~ihnd Iiappe~iedbetween licr nnd tlic I’ric~~tlsllip within her own scx is ns import;lnt wolncn alrcntly stifcly witllin the A.A. lmven in to a \vo~riiw 11s ilrc h c I)o~lclsI~ctwccnIncn, nntl thut town? It intcrcsted n ~ cbccullse a few clays that goes – for us wives ns well as for nlcol~olic before I liacl rend G.O.’s piccc ill lhc October A.A. won~cn.\We can help ciicli otlicr by keeping our Crapevine on the special problcms of wonicn. ~ n i ~ i t l s open tlnd our llenrts open nricl our eyes ‘Tliis slory I llenrtl ~ncitlccvcry word of thiit open to wnys in wl~iclito ninkc nny ncwcoiricrs nrticle come to life. 7’11~ city, it seemed, bonsted fccl 111 home in our Irolnes. only a l l u ~ ~ d l uofl wolriell A.A.s, and this ncw- I Iiope every woman, in or on the fringes of collier fount1 them closely knit n ~ ~ d jcillous 01 A.A., I~iisrend c~nd.tnkcn to lrci~rt thnt nrticlc their prerogatives ns the few fclrinle lights in an about wonlcil – rind pnr~iculnrlythose in smnller otlwrwise ~rinleiissemblnge. The wives of mnlc owns where fewer people have more influence. mcml)ers she described as nice but no~icenl)ly A.A. is nitrcll too precious lo save for just o few. co~ldesccncling 10 any new won~enwho entered -KT., New York.

February 1947

Whaf Price Sobriety?

From New York City Until I took my moral inventory joined A.A. I could see that they needed thought, the one I have?” on any given some months ago after being in A.A. much more working on than I had at first subject. The one you have may be wrong several months I was content in being suspected, if I was to change my way of as it has often been in my case. It might sober. Oh, I did 12th Stepping and a little thinking about problems and people. To be well to forget what you have leamed thinking on the Steps in between the 1st “know thyself” is really a lifetime job. It and learn anew. and the 12th but until I actually wrote out can also be very interesting because to I am no longer willing to accept my inventory chart and was completely know why you react to situations and the statement that sobriety is the most honest with myself I found I could no people the way you do you first must important thing in life. Unless you have longer be content with mere sobriety and realize you can’t “judge by appearance MENTAL sobriety along with it your life 12th Stepping. sake.” Your habits have been formed can be just as frustrated and complex as I was first aroused to action at from childhood and I found I had to ever. To live with yourself and get along hearing an older member say that he did search way back to see why I reacted to with your fellow-man you have to change not believe in getting mixed up or problems today the same way I did in my from within your old thoughts and habits. confused by wondering why he drank. He drinking days. To change my way of You have to change yourself and not the was content to accept the fact that there thinking I would have to rid myself of old other person. This is no easy task, I were no real reasons but excuses. This lifelong fears and get a new slant in know from my own experience, and may be so but I found I could not just order to effect a new re-action. I though my goal is still a long way off I accept that fact or if I did I would do discovered that what I believed was a am sure sobriety is worth the price if YOU nothing about my character defects. True minor defect in my character analysis, don’t stop there. – Mildred 0. as it may be that there are no real IMPETUOUSNESS, was my down-fall reasons for drinking there are surely and that would have o be cleared up reasons why we tried to escape from before I would be able to make much reality or thought we did by drinking. I headway with my other imperfections. I found this out when I found myself as would have to strive for PATIENCE both mentally drunk for several weeks as I in myself and other people. had ever been physically before A.A. I One does not need to be confused found myself in a vicious circle and could by learning. What is he meaning of not seem to step out of it because of “Keep an open mind” if not to hear other mounting frustrated wrong thinking; the opinions which may be better than your very same mood I was so often in while own if you would but take heed? One drinking. does not have to get mixed up to make I went over my moral inventory a “fearless and searching moral chart and made a more careful analysis. inventory” of ourselves. Wouldn’t you I found that my character defects were think it childish of anyone to say, “There not much better – if at all – than when I is nothing new to learn – I know everything?” Or “I can hold but one

March 1947

– Remembering a Gir/ Defeated Except Once

From Adinston, Va. Today I am remembering. But tomorrow was no different. Remembering a girl of 25 who was She arose full of determination, but ….”born too late, Scratched her head and kept on buried not so long ago. This ridden by fears of almost certain defeat. thinking, remembering is a form of insurance for There was grit, but small hope. And She, too, coughed, and called it me, insurance for more days like today. before long, our time-wom game of Fate, I don’t want to forget the conflict, the duplicity was being played. We fenced And kept on drinking.” frightening struggle she and I had. Idon’t with one another, and her strokes I watched her slide from the want to forget how often she won. I do became more and more forceful until she phantasy of the perfect to the figure of not resent her, and I do not fear her any won. And with her victory, again I had to the down-trodden reformer. Why must longer, for now she will have to fight both sit as an onlooker, with pity but no God and me. And God never loses. strength to help in my heart, and watch there be wars? Why were children I want to remember the day she this awful thing she was doing to herself. starving? Who were the fools who ran acknowledged with quiet despondency I watched her as she slipped beyond my things and how did they get there? And that she was hopelessly addicted to reach, into the never-ending flight, why didn’t they have the intelligence of a alcohol, that it was no mere beverage, chasing an ideal, and not knowing what chicken? A chicken for President! No but he food and drug of her soul. And she wanted or why, but wanting it she was losing her grip. That wasn’t with that acknowledgment began the fear desperately. I watched her as she rode sensible – she’d have to pull herself of source of supply far more than the the highway of phantasy: – she was a together. Do the homework, that was it. fear of inevitable consequences. No – better read something first – elevate great writer; she called her book The Intellectually she knew the outcome – Battle of The Bottle, but the first line of the mind. Too much superficiality in the emotionally she could not see far enough her message for posterity was never world today. Not enough people read ahead to care. And a drink always written. She was a great pianist, but her Shakespeare and the Bible. Why, did you pushed the care aside temporarily. genius was thwarted by the affliction she know if you really knew Shakespeare I want to remember the nights I bore. She was the personification of the and the Bible, you need never know talked to her – talked, threatened, perfect wife, and would be the perfect another thing. Those two books had pleaded, ridiculed and condemned her. mother, too, if only given a child to prove everything – all wisdom, all knowledge. How often we tried to get together to it. She was a well-balanced, cultured, She’d read the Book of Job. She was like whip this thing! I told her no one else charming young woman, an inspiration to Job herself – everything was wrong. drank as she did, that she had everything all who knew her. She was artistic, And then I watched the indignation she wanted, so why didn’t she stop? I creative, enthusiastic, bountiful and at life come upon her. The world was run watched her try to pray, saw her fumbling compassionate – oh, infinitely by ignoramuses. She knew! She had to remember the words of the De compassionate. But misunderstood, and worked at a war plant! And oh, the Profundis “Out of the depths I have cried alone. So alone. I followed in her shadow waste! She’d call the President. She to Thee, 0 Lord.” And then we would and thought, like Miniver Cheevy, she too dialed the White House. National 1414. resolve that tomorrow would be different was: He was busy. He C~uldn’talk to her. – we would start with a clean slate. Some democracy! ‘

And then the remorse and self of unknown voices. She could not read. pity. I watched as she vaguely She could not sleep. She could not pray. recognized her condition. Here she was, And she heard music – a fragment of a drunk, and only this morning she had haunting theme, repeated and repeated, been so full of determination to do better. ending each time in a discord. And then She had tried – oh, yes, she had tried. In oblivion. fact, all her life she had strived o be a No, I do not want to forget that real person. Lots of people floated along girl. I want to remember that she is only never giving a thought to the meaning of one drink away. I don’t want to forget Life, but as far back as she could what time was to her. She suffered remember, she had consciously worked through yesterday a thousand times in on herself. She had worked harder than her remorse. She feared tomorrow with most, she had read more, she had terror, and hoped by some means she studied, everything from Greek to could escape it. Today never existed for millinery. She had known what she her. I am glad she is dead. wanted and had bent all energies and And what has taken the place of capacities to get it, whatever it was. Oh, that girl? Quite a different person the cruelty of it all! What a dastardly trick altogether. I find I am a simple person – Fate had played on her. She was of no no thwarted genius after all. That great use to herself or anvone else. And-for a American novel will have to be written by few minutes she got a morbid pleasure someone else. Ifind, after sober practice, from these thoughts. How tragic! But sort that the concert stage can do without this of pathetically,-beautifully tragic! Here average parlor pianist. I find that being a she was, so young, so gifted, and the perfect wife requires some exertion other world would never benefit because of her than dreams. I find that today builds into cursed malady. tomorrow. I find that we don’t just “get And then, I watched the fear set somewhere” – we go there, one day at a in. At first, a mild rage at the unfairness time. I find it a luxurious sensation to be of it all. But later, I saw her wracked in sane. stark fear and hopelessness. She was And what is time to me now? It is frantic with fright – fright for her sanity, a most precious asset. I have the luxury fright for her life. What was to become of of being able to cherish the memory of her? I was as one on the outside, a yesterday, to live today with serenity, to spectator to this horrible transformation, wait for tomorrow. I find great and was helpless. She watched the door, contentment in just knowing where I was furtively, anxiously, knowing it to be and where I am. And I am grateful for he locked, yet afraid. She dared not look out existence of Alcoholics Anonymous, the window for fear of vague faces. She grateful to my God for leading me to the dared not answer the telephone for fear doors of A.A. and to Himself grateful for hope. I am grateful for this minute. My eternity may be in it. – CEMcD.

May 1947

No Tihe On My Hands!

From White Plains, N N.Y: professional lines or in just pure point of view had changed. I no longer Those of you who were early scholarship. I was fascinated, but in a wanted to be a great or a famous subscribers to The A.A. Grapevine state of conflict. There was an anything. I just wanted to be a more perhaps remember a column called embarrassment of riches to choose from adequate A.A. I looked up courses that “Time on Your Hands,” which ran in the and I wanted them all – instantly. I was appealed to me in these two subjects, first six or seven issues. Though not a going to be a chemist, psychologist, not to become a great orator or a famous columnist, by the stretch of the most writer, but to be able to do my A.A. jobs social worker and Greek scholar; I was elastic imagination, and certainly not an going to write plays, get in the diplomatic a little better and with more assurance. expert in occupational therapy, I had the service, design houses and learn About this time I realized that I temerity to write that bit each month. I Portuguese. was many moons away from my school sent for catalogues, questioned friends Yes – I’m an alcoholic. But I’m an days and had forgotten, during my and strangers, pored over lists and befuddled years, much of the basic A.A., too, so the slogan, “First things advertisements in order to collect data – knowledge which I had learned, way first,” popped into my mind. What was and what happened? I got caught in the back then. My first courses had to be the first thing in my life? Why, A.A., of toils! course. What would help me most in my decidedly elementary – but I loved them. I had been sober about three They were the intellectual stimuli I A.A. work? Well, a lot of studies probably years when the first A.A. Grapevine would. So there I was with only a few needed to get over my itch. My brain, appeared and had begun to get itchy long inactive, started slowly and painfully, things eliminated. I started again. What, about myself – but I didn’t know it. especially, was I doing in A.A. at the to wake up. Previous to A.A., I hadn’t done much to moment? Aside from 12th Stepping, I That was three years ago. Since improve myself or to bring out any latent was one of the editors of The A.A. then, I have gone on to study some of abilities – even as you and you! the more challenging and exciting things, Grapevine and, therefore, had to write a little and edit a little, among other things. but, always, with the thought, first, will Possibilities Unlimited I was also called upon to speak here and this help me to be a more useful A.A.? there and the unfortunate situation I am sure that there comes a time, My first three years in the group in our process of growing up, when we existed that I was terrified both of proved to me that I did have at least a speaking and writing. Kind friends told all think about our wasted days. We modicum of ability – but alas, very little me that I didn’t show my fright, But /felt realize that life is slipping on – and where fundamental knowledge to back it up. it and deep down inside of me was a are we? It isn’t that A.A. is not enough. Going to school never occurred to me. horrible feeling of unsureness. It’s that A.A. thinking awakens ambitions, Heavens! I was in my forties and school long dormant, and we feel frustrated Well, thought I, maybe if I study was for adolescents! That was before 1 because we believe that it is too late to writing and speaking I’ll overcome my read the catalogues and brochures which do anything about it. It isn’t! Take it from fears – just like that! This, at least poured in by every post and saw the Grandma Lois! I have done something narrowed me down to two subjects and marvellous opportunities offered for adult I discovered that my approach and my education – along specialized trade or

about it and 1 never have had so much fun! What if you do feel that school is for adolescents? Isn’t that what we learn we are we alcoholics?

Programs Offered Widely

A stimulating and varied adult education program is offered in almost every city, town and hamlet in America if you want to look for it. You can learn how to weave baskets or you can study law. The possibilities, especially in the universities, colleges and trade schools, are practically unlimited. There is only one word of warning that I would like to give. Don’t get started if you can’t go whole hog! When that sleepy brain gets through yawning and stretching, it finds that it is ravenously hungry after its long hibernation. It nudges you and pushes you and whines and howls to be fed – and, paradoxically the more you feed it the more insatiable becomes its appetite. – Lois K

May 1947

Prayer Answered Ten Years Later

From Hartisburg, Pa. the few things left of the business and In 1937, ten years ago. I began to decided on a new start. He following grope in the dark for the life I have found Christmas she gave me a note stating through the 12th Step work of A.A. It is that my debt to her was paid in full. It the way of life I searched so long for. has taken ten years to make amends for My life was a complete mess. I felt my past behavior. The prayer follows: beaten and frustrated. Where was I going? What could I do about it? I was Supplication 22 and had been drinking steadily for four years. For a year I had owned my Dear God, teach me to be patient; own business and then it was gone with to be steadfast to myself; to be true to the faith of the woman who had made it the ideals I have set for myself. Never let possible. me grow weak before I have atoned for Unconsciously in a prayer I the unhappiness I have caused others. covered several of the Steps but the Teach me the way of atonement and important first one was missing. I put my help me to bring to those I have hurt and prayer away with other aimless dreams wronged the thought that I regret my and proceeded on my alcoholic way. I behavior and I earnestly beg their came upon this prayer again about a forgiveness. month ago and the whole series of Oh God, let me see the light, that events came sharply into focus. It was I may live as others live, love and be one of the things from which I had been loved as others are. Give me strength of escaping. Before this reaches you I will purpose, soundness of mind and health have made amends to a kind and of body to accomplish my reconciliation bewildered friend. On her advice I sold with the world. – Grace

June 1947

NEWS CIRCUlT

Institution Feels A.A. ~ffeci- An article, ‘five Years of Progress,’ published in ?Be C / ‘ nof California Institution for Women, says: “In December, 1945, the initial meeting was held of Alcoholics Anonymous with a membership of 15. That group has now grown to 120 with regular meetings every Monday and open meetingswith outside groups the first Sunday of each month. The entire campus has felt the effect of this A.A. program for a better way of living.” In another part of the anniversary publication is an account of the visit of an A.A. Group from North Hollywood which concludes, “Live one day at a time. Be selfish to the extent that you let nothing come between you and your sobriety. Outside influences cannot effect you if you build from the inside out.”

July 1947

The Disease Is Sexless

From Binghamton, N. Y: questions? Here I am again. I cannot help Why should ideas like this be myself, I feel compelled to write you. conveyed because we are women? Having read some of the articles Thought has no sex and our males (God in The A.A. Grapevine by my sister bless ’em) make the same admissions alcoholics and today reading the article we do. by Mary M. from Chicago they leave me When I came into A.A. I heard somewhat bewildered. They separate nothing of this nature to set me apart us with sex. We the women alcoholics from the male and perhaps that is one are far less tolerant than the male. We reason why so far A.A. has worked for are labelled different from him. We me. contain more deceit, resentments and Don’t you think it high time we false pride. We are far less tolerated than changed some of our views on the the male. If it is intolerance it?me thzt women alcoholics? Can’t we just makes me feel compelled to write on the remember that she is alcoholic and just subject then I welcome and will accept as tired of it as her brother? Should we viewpoints on the matter-if they contain up our eyebrows and decide this case is God’s truth. different – She’s a woman alcoholic? Having visited a few groups I have All due respect to my sisters’ heard these questions raised time and viewpoint if I cannot agree. 1 remain very again. “Why is it so hard for us to hold much interested and happy in A.A. It’s women alcoholics?” Why is it so much wonderful what I have found. harder for a woman to get honest with -Elsie J. W: herself?” Don’t we perhaps fail by these

July 1947

Personalities in A.A.

From San Francisco getting drunk, if you drink when you’re Some alcoholics confuse happy or when you’re blue, or if you just personalities with A.A. They let petty, get drunk for no reason at all. personal differences drive them away Through A.A. you can learn to from the program. I feel sorry for anyone look at yourself fair and square and see who lets anything or any personality keep yourself as you really are. And, by him away from A.A. looking at ourselves honestly, we Stick to A.A., if drinking has become more understanding of others become the major problem in your life, if and their difficulties. We become more most of your troubles are caused by tolerant of their opinions. drinking, if you can’t take one drink and So it is to our interest to stick to stop, if you have lost a wife or a A.A. and our obligation to carry the husband, if you have been in jail, if you message to the alcoholic that still suffers. are shaking out a drunk or thinking about – Juanita W

July 1947

Life Is Fuller

From Fresno, Calf ourselves. Through A.A. we learn the I’m glad I’m an alcoholic! power of unselfish giving, and To many people that statement helpfulness, the outcome of which is sounds fantastic, but to me it’s the fulfilment, satisfaction, and ultimate honest truth. Life has dealt a far from happiness. We have worked hard for our pleasant hand to us alcoholics, one of sobriety, but the fulfilment of success is which brings disgrace, sickness, insanity a never ending reward. Life is fuller, its and many times even death. But an meaning greater, and its beauties more alcoholic who has found a new way of vivid. life through A.A. is far richer than those To say I am glad only because I poor mortals who have seen only one have learned a new way of living, is side of the picture. It’s like being deprived untrue. I am glad because of the people of something you wanted desperately all I have met. They are so honest and your life, and then, all of a sudden, sincere. They are people who work hard having it handed to you on a silver at making life worthwhile, people YQU can platter. People who have always had that depend upon when you need help. Going silver platter seldom know its worth, but through the agony of alcoholism and we alcoholics know. overcoming it seems to soften heart, Life offers little that we take for open his mind, and give to him an infinite granted now. After having lived in the understanding. depths of despair, full of disgust, hate People who live in a world where and fear, we appreciate and hang on nothing drastic happens, and living is with all our strength, to every moment of comparatively nonconfused, miss the happiness. We revel in the fact that each complexities in life that we alcoholics day is new, is beautiful, and given to us experience, and through which we gain a to do with as we see fit. To live better, to fuller value of life. Perhaps these people learn more, and to help others. Life is think we’re unlucky creatures of fate, but very small, meaningless and unhappy, if to me we’re the luckiest of them all, and we live it in a shell, never giving of I’m glad I’m an alcoholic. Betty F.

August 1947

Spiritual Awakening

From Spokane, Washingon able to decline alcohol for 30 years Two years membership in A.A. without an awful urge and a struggle so gives me a clearer viewpoint toward terrific that may times it was beyond my spiritual growth. A neighbour passed our self-control. This time, instead of a strong house one morning during one of his desire to drink, I felt as if a mighty force periodic binges; he appeared quite shaky possessed me, shutting me out of the old so I surmised he was after more world into the new. It opened my eyes to alcoholic beverages. On his arrival home an untroubled, clear and steadfast world he ventured out to hand me a quart of which seemed far above the world from beer over the fence. 1 refused it with no whence I came. I felt the mild faith which temptation whatsoever. Having been in I once held had been restored, the same sorry plight so many times, strengthened and a much greater faith in however, I couldn’t help but sympathize God assured. I was strengthened and understand another so afflicted. I spiritually, mentally and physically; had a deep desire to be helpful, to find directed in this new world with clearer assistance but at that particular time 1 meaning and deeper realization of was handicapped in being any great spiritual power brought into existence. It help. Then it came to my mind how all made me humble – my heart was helpless and completely lacking we touched and I was made glad, and it truly mortals are at times even in our desires convinces me that we as individuals can to be helpful and how very much we rise above our old modes of thinking and need the help of God. do more in accordance with A.A. After coming inside and working teachings by reliance and dependence in about the house I suddenly remembered a Power greater than ourselves. the beer incident. I stopped my work and Lillian R. just stood. It came to me as a miracle it had been so easy to refuse without a struggle! It didn’t seem that it was I, of myself, for with my will I haven’t been

– Last Chance Group From The Eye Openerof Los Angeles, Calif., comes the following account: “One day the writer went to Llncoln Heights Jail with J.L.V. to carry the message of A.A. to the women there. Although they listened intently I seemed to sense an unexpected reaction from them which said, “This is all very well, but what about me? I am here now. I have no clothes, no money, no friends.’ Driving home the nagging thoughts persisted. Could anything be done to complement the splendid work J.L.V. is doing? An idea took shape. Could a group of alcoholic women be formed whose main activity would be to make personal calls in Lincoln Heights, the hospitals and institutionsto sponsor a girl before her release so that when she regains her freedom her outlook is toward A.A. with its abundant living instead of toward the first bar? The idea materialized into a new group for women alcoholics – the Last Chance Group. It has met with outstanding success so far.”

September 1947

Stepping Stones To Sobtfefy — From New York City Religion took a back seat with me rather enjoyed my ruts and didn’t do Gaining an insight to the spiritual for many years. I was neither an agnostic much about getting out of them. I had to part of the program has helped me tackle nor an atheist though I had definite have excuses to drink and by playing the problems by getting to work on myself resentments against my own church. role of a martyr I found sufficient reasons and not blaming circumstances or Most of them puerile, I realize now, but I for drowning my sorrows periodically. people. I am comforted by the realization clung to them and rationalized that I had that I am not alone no matter what had too much religion in my childhood. happens. I know that I shall be shown Patience Helps the way if I do my very best each day Perhaps sometime in the far distant future’l might again turn to God, I would and sincerely try to improve. Without the I joined A.A. about the same time spiritual approach I doubt that I would muse, but now I was not ready for or I tuned in on a spiritual program on the inclined towards any sort of organized have had the desire or initiative to stay radio. The two seemed synonymous to sober. With it I have seen how futile and religion. I believed myself to be a good me and I took a genuine interest in the Christian in the broad sense of the word empty my life was and how complete and daily inspirational talks. I believe and took Shakespeare’s “to thine own whatever spiritual program I have made full it can be. Problems are not so much self be true” philosophy as mine. Here has come from my delving into to be dreaded as expected. How I rise again I was rationalizing because now I metaphysics. I have only touched the above them is the important part. Gaining know I was not true to even myself. I surface in the past year and a half but an insight to the spiritual angle has also blamed circumstances and people for my am convinced I have been helped. I have made me realize I must know myself misfortunes and felt that hard luck was turned to God and discuss with Him before I can sufficiently help my my fate. My motto was “God helps those anything that bothers me. I have learned fellowman. who help themselves” so instead of Faith, belief and practice have to wait, “to let go and let God” instead of turning to Him I turned from Him and taken the place of analyzing and not rushing ahead without thought of became a self-willed, determined consequence. I have always been utilizing with me, resulting in a new set of individual intent on taking happiness impetuous, and have had to do much values and principles. I am not implying where I found it. disciplining on this score. I have leamed that because I have recognized my need My search for happiness was to accept my temperament and to strive of a spiritual approach and am doing my never realized for I never knew quite to improve those character defects I best to lead a better life that all is what I wanted from life. I was dissatisfied recognized as potential hurdles. I have serene. Rather it means that I now know with my lot, bored, bitter and resentful as many low moods as before I stopped that all of life has its ups and downs. We and tried to cover up my frustrations by drinking but they don’t last as long must all face it in our own way with a will pretending to be the Pollyanna. I made a because I am fortified and recognize and determination to do our best with the feeble attempt to retum to religion but them for what they are and know that in help of God. It is only by facing without a sincere desire to get to the root time they shall pass. difficulties that we strengthen our minds of my trouble and organize my life. I and our mistakes of yesterday can be stepping stones for tomorrow if we do something about them today.. -Mildred 0.

November 1947

And A Mother Wins Back Her Son i-

From Chicago

It is sometimes said that the age From then on the pattern is that of months are difficult. We are impatient to of miracles is past. I’m afraid that I can’t thousands of others. More drinks to calm grasp all at once all that A.A. has to agree. Why? Because I’ve been sober for down, frequent oblivion as the result of offer, to grab at it like a package we a year. 1 don’t remember what I was too many, a hangover in the morning. might purchase at the store. We want doing a year ago, but I am sure of one Then all day drinking, and all night immediately to become as non-alcoholic thing. I was drunk. I detest the word and drinking, then just drinking, not knowing in our thinking and actions as we once all that it implies. It isn’t ladylike. Neither or caring whether it was night or day. A were alcoholic. was I ladylike then. compulsion to drink that I couldn’t control, Despite my haste, one thing firmly Twelve months ago I was finishing and the certain knowledge that my imbedded itself in my reasoning very up a binge that had been going on for continued drinking would take from me early in my rehabilitation. To me it is he years; a binge that grew steadily with the everything that I wanted and held dear. most important thing in following the 12 passing days, and months, and years; a Then came the inevitable collapse. Steps. That requisite is honesty, not binge that was robbing me of my health; I was hospitalized. Three days later I honesty with others but honesty with a binge that had all but alienated my son realized where I was. Those 12 days of one’s self. It has been harder for me to and my husband; a binge that had terror, fear, misgivings, recriminations, be honest with myself than anything I completely divorced me from all friends. physical torture, the beginning of D.T.’s, have ever tried to do. 1 find, though, that I didn’t realize it then, but I was at the of which the Good Lord permitted me if I am honest with myself, I don’t have to end of my rope. I was on “skid row” only a glimpse, make up a period in my worry about honesty with others. It figuratively if not literally. life which I recall only with horror. But comes automatically. I had done all the usual things. I through the that my alcoholic mind With that as a stepping stone, I had been a social drinker. One drink wandered constantly recurred the only am slowly building a structure in which I would give me a lift; two, a bounce. thought that had penetrated from a visit can live with myself. As the structure Three brought a delightful fog in which of three A.A.s the night before my illness rises I find many of the bricks and stones the world was lovely, everyone was so became acute. are placed imperfectly and have to come nice, and “weren’t we having fun?” That thought was” “A.A. can save out and be reset. I make mistakes, but I But this didn’t last long. All my life you! A.A. can save you.” am soon aware of them and make an I had suffered from an inferiority I clung to it as a drowning person honest effort to rectify them. Many times complex. The drinks – in those days does to a straw, for I knew that without it I am not honest with myself. But when I bathtub gin – made me forget myself. I would die from drinking or end in an am not, that which goes hand in hand They calmed me down, made me seem insane asylum. with honesty – conscience – asserts itself like other people, in fact made me To most of us the early days in immediately. And to live with myself I “superior” to many of them. It wasn’t long Alcoholics Anonymous are days of have to do the right thing. before the quantity had to be stepped up. confusion. The transition from a life of I accept A.A. on blind faith. I didn’t And it wasn’t long before I had to have a alcohol to a life divorced from the bottle try to reason it out. I couldn’t rationalize few drinks before dinner. is abrupt. Those first few weeks and it. All I knew was that other people who

had embraced A.A., people who said they were as bad or worse alcoholics than I, had become sober. It was the last street car as far as I was concerned. I accepted what I was told to accept. I did what others said they had done, and out of that blind faith has arisen a faith of my own, a faith that has carried me along for a year. I don’t know whether it is truth, or honesty, or conscience, or good, or God. I call it God. And I pray for his help each day to enable that faith to carry me through a succession of 24 hours as long as I live. I think my greatest desire for sobriety was that I might restore myself in he eyes of my son, a 19-year-old Navy photographer. I wrote him some time ago that I had been hospitalized, that I had become an A.A., and I told him what I was trying to do. I’d like to quote a portion of his answer to me: “It wasn’t such a horrible thing to admit you needed care, Mom. You said this fact might startle me. On the contrary, it is the best thing that could happen. I am prouder of you than I have ever been before. Please believe me. This is from the bottom of my heart. I am proud of you for facing the music and your spirit for not quitting. I feel all empty inside when 1 try to express my gratitude. I thank you, Mom, with all the humbleness in me.” And they say the age of miracles is past! – J. Y:

December 1947

Grafefu/ for Serenity

From Vincennes, Indiana was an A.A. gave me the book to read It will be a year in November since and I attended my first meeting. Here I read the book, Alcohohcs Anonyms, was the answer. and attended my first A.A. meeting. Tonight I was thinking of the many Although I am only 39, drinking has been things for which I am grateful to the A.A. a problem to me for over 20 years. way of life. To mention a few – for being Because of several unhappy incidents in able to awaken in the morning knowing my childhood, by the time I was in high where I am and where I was the night school I had a full fledged inferiority before – for being able to hear the phone complex. I discovered this vanished into ring and not being afraid to answer it thin air after a few drinks. As the years because of what I might hear about my went on, my drinking progressed until I actions while I was drinking – for being was using alcohol as the proverbial able to meet my neighbours and look crutch – as an escape from any and them in the eye without a feeling of everything of an unpleasant nature that 1 shame – for the wisdom to see my had to face. Like all alcoholics, I had shortcomings and the desire to do caused much unhappiness to myself, my something about them – for my good and husband and little girl. Last year I had understanding friends in A.A. – for being reached the point where I would walk the able to go to bed at night and sleep floor at night unable to sleep, frightened and not dream! Big things, these, for an at the kind of person I had become and alcoholic. I hope I may be an A.A. the at what our future held. I knew I could rest of my life. – Connie M. not stop drinking. Then a neighbour who

January 1948

From Clearwater, Florida “How good an A.A. are you at I was black and blue, both My children have come back to home?” – that’s the question the wife of a mentally and physically – I was resentful – me – last summer I had all three of them five year member asked me in Minnesota last summer. It opened up a new trend of I had no-training for work – I was together – they know what I am thought. practically middle-aged and I knew that it attempting – they respect me for trying. I would be easier to die than to go on used to be too wrapped up in my own When Icame into the organization struggling, but I could not leave that misery to realize that I was destroying 1 had no home – although in the 20 previous years I had had twenty different heritage to my children. I began to their sense of security and leaving them ones. I still have no home but a hotel understand that it was up to me to do no one on whom to depend. When my room. My husband divorced me while I something hard. I had never realized my own son was 15, he told me he did not was in a sanitarium and took the custody selfishness. Iwas ignorant of the reasons think it was a disgrace to be an alcoholic of my three children. I had been sure that for my actions and I began to absorb but that it was a disgrace not to do such a thing could never happen to me; some of the philosophy other A.A.s had something about it. Adolescents have a furthermore I was banished from Kansas worked out. way of looking at things squarely. You City and exiled to Chicago. My lawyer, People asked me to their homes; can’t fool them. Last spring my 16-yearwho had been in A.A. three months, they took me in and were gracious about old daughter wrote me that her favourite made it plain that it was up to me to it: I still envy people whose partners see teacher had told her about an open make a success of what was left of my them through. I have real admiration for meeting she had been to in Kansas City life – to adopt a “sink or swim” policy. those partners because I am sure it is and what a wonderful organization she Halco was my first home in Chicago. The easier to be an alcoholic than to live with thought A.A. was. Cynthia wrote “I did resentment was too much for me, and I one. I no longer blame my husband or something you may not approve of – I had not learned to accept my limitations. my children for not wanting to live with went against the anonymity and said my I spent two miserable weeks on the near me – I could not even live with myself – at mother belonged and that if there’s north side with daily trips to the A.A. times it is still difficult. anything you’d like to know about it I’ll be office because I did not trust myself. However, I know now that the real glad to tell you.” I am thankful she feels Everyone was kind to me – Grace gave cause of all my troubles lies within that way. When I went to her graduation me the small sum of money that had myself. I have learned to accept my in June that teacher and her alcoholic been sent in her care from Kansas City, limitations and to go on from there husband were at an A.A. meeting I saying, “Here it is. If you want to get without rehearsing grievances and attended. drunk, go ahead.” I have never had a dwelling on symptoms. If, by being a I try not to look for perfection in drink since. horrible example, I can help anyone I am my children – after all who am I to even I movod to Evanston because humbly grateful. Alcoholics Anonymous dare hope for anything approaching such there were no bars, the possibility of a has granted me a reprieve – I appreciate a state? I have to remain emotionally job and more women members. my blessings and if, knowing the undisturbed and to keep away from Everyone knew the worst about me to answers, I take the first drink, it will prove bitterness and self-pity. When the begin with, but gave me the benefit of I am actually ready for the insane children are with me I have to rejoice in the doubt. asylum. their presence and resign myself to the fact that I can’t have them always. I have

to create a home of the spirit in which we It’s not enough to solve the all have a part. I want them to know they problem of the moment – you have to can depend on me and all my efforts are solve yourself as a problem and make bent toward that goal. A.A. has given me the answer come out right. renewed faith in God – I have learned to surrender my problems and to wait for The phrase from one of Cole His guidance. I have been privileged to Porter’s songs – “Use your mentality, help a few people with their drinking wake up to reality” fits aptly into the life problems. What more could I ask? of an alcoholic – be thankful you still have Dr. Edward Livingston Trudeau, a home in which to practice your A.A. principles. the American physician who spent It’s easy enough to throw out the virtually all his adult life adjusting to life line to a drunk who yells for help but tuberculosis, wrote some profoundwords it is infinitely harder to lead a balanced which apply equally appropriately to life with a family when you live up to your alcoholics: “To cease to rebel, to stop own responsibilities. – Po& A. ME fighting back, to be content with half a loaf when you can’t have a whole one these are hard lessons but all of us must learn them. I have found that the great word is ‘acquiescence.”‘ By writing letters to my offspring I try to make them realize their part in my life and what a boost their approval gives me. At present one is in Paris – one at Harvard and one in Washington, but they know I am on the beam. I can’t give them a home but I can give them understanding, even at long distance. I believe in them all thoroughly. I settle small differences as they arise and refuse to look for slights or to give them. I am trying to teach the children to stay big without stooping to pettiness and to look for privileges of service rather than their rights. I expect the best from them and have been amply rewarded.

March 1948

To Give Is More Blessed And Vital! – From New York Cify An old theme perhaps, but we can Above all, I was afraid of being so openhanded that it was ridiculous. I only speak from our own experience and hurt emotionally, rejected, pitied or wanted to give, share, love. It worked like to me, at the age of 50, the truth of it ridiculed. I guess I must have figured magic at first and for the first time in my comes as a startling discovery. Is that, if I didn’t give love or friendship, I life I could be natural, unselfconscious couldn’t and free of fear. forgetting it the reason why some of our .— be hurt by having them thrown best A.A. success stories end in a bad back in my face. We all know what happens. Friend slip? Man gets sober, man regains Poor, pathetic, mean, selfish, Alcohol tums into a devil and takes us important job or finds one even more miserly little girl. If this is self-pity, I will over, body and soul. It frees us only to lucrative. Girl marries man of her dreams admit to it. My object in life was to get tie us up in more horrible coils. Now, it is and when everything seems very rosy, what I wanted or needed for myself, take alcohol that we must have – not money, he or she gets drunk and ruins the whole it back to a safe place and sit on it. not love, not respect. We need it so set-up. How could such a child love or be badly that the bottle is our only security. Someone said to me quite loved? How could the girl she grew into Give it away? Share it? Not a chance! recently, “You hate yourself, don’t you?” fail to know she was a selfish coward Hide it in your closet, in your clothes I answered that I did, and why shouldn’t and hate herself? “Get what you want, hamper, under your mattress, any place I? The mess I’d made of my life, the hoard it, protect it, learn to do things well where it will not be found. It is yours, and harm I’d done to my children, etc., etc. so that you will be smarter than the other no one must find it, or drink it, or take it Then I started to think and realized that girls, play games better than the boys so away. Other people are enemies, even the self-hatred started long before the you can pay them back for ignoring you. your nearest and dearest, particularly drinking. It began in my childhood, as far Pretend to be kind, for that seems the your nearest and dearest. It is man and back as I can remember. way to be liked and to be liked is vastly his bottle against the whole world. I was a shy, frightened child, important, but don’t stick your neck out, Now we are sober, or to go back scared of so many things that it is difficult be sure you don’t give anything away to me, now I am sober. I have accepted to enumerate them, but some will do. I that you might need yourself.” the fact that I must be, and want to be, was afraid of horses, strange dogs, What a way to live, and it was my sober for the rest of my life. At last, after cows, even chickens, although we spent way until I discovered alcohol. Alcohol (it many years, I can think clearly again, our summers on a farm. The elements seems tragic that the things that helped can make plans and carry them through. frightened me – intense heat or cold, me so much at first, turned against me What kind of plans? What do I thunder storms, wind storms; I was almost fatally in the end) freed this want? Is it going to be the same old story frightened in the woods and in the fields cramped, mean, little soul of mine. It over again? “Get what you’re after – be unless I could plainly see our own house gave me temporary courage and secure – save money – be smart and get and know that I could get back to it security, it removed the barriers between a good job – save your own hide and to quickly. I must have been afraid of me and other people, men and women. hell with the rest of the world.” poverty, for I hoarded my allowance and I really wanted to be kind, I wanted to be This is the danger point. – M.N. when I did spend it, it was on myself. generous. Like all alcoholics, I became

April 1948

THE CLIPSHEET

Sentenced to A.A.

Westport, Conn., Hera/d= A sentence The drunkard, he ordered, must This is a little court but into it can was imposed in Town Court this week by once more become a member of come problems of great importance, and Judge Leo Nevas that deserves more Alcoholics Anonymous. She must report this was one of them. Other courts might than local attention. to the Yale Clinic for treatment. She must well emulate the example set by Judge A chronic alcoholic who is a keep in close contact with her own Nevas. Other courts, too, might well solitary drinker was before the bench. physician. She must report to the watch how this case turns out. It should Such cases have been there before, probation officer weekly. Should she fail be of interest to everyone. leaving the judge and prosecutor worried to do these things she must go to jail And the case plus the decision because the state has no hospital to even though Judge Nevas knows well emphasizes anew the need for a statewhich the habitual drunkard can be sent that a term there will do her no good operated clinic in Fairfield County set up for treatment. Although medicine and unless it should frighten her to do the properly for the treatment of habitual jurisprudence are today looking upon things he has ordered. drunkards. There seems to be no other these cases as sick people rather than This sentence was imposed in the way to help them. as only inebriates, nothing official has hope that the woman wants to help been done to cure them. herself. If she doesn’t, none of the The court cannot overlook the suggestions will help. Alcoholics offenses when the drinkers become Anonymous, with its increasing record of public nuisances, which the case of this aid to drinkers, can accomplish nothing week definitely is. But the fines do no without the determined cooperation of the good and jail sentences too often patient. It is unlikely that the Yale Clinic aggravate the mental illness which can help those who refuse to help makes a man or woman a drunkard. themselves. What can the court do? Judge Nevas, however, was Judge Nevas decided. He willing to believe the woman’s insistence imposed a jail sentence but suspended it that she did not want to drink and would on certain conditions. These conditions do anything to stop the habit. If she really are what make his decision important. means that, the clinic will probably turn her back to society completely cured.

June 1948

” . Women ‘s Group Tells Surt Diego 1

O/ Oganlzation Procedures ~ r o n rS& Diego, Calif. In answer to the reqttest by the editors During tlre first year and a half of .op- sponsible for the manner in which the of The A.A. Grapevine for ‘ suggestions eratiot~,the group used the plan of Imv- meetings are conducted. This also seems a .from women alcoltolics, we feel thnt we i116 a leader attd a secretary who served very fine plan, as it gives the chairman are justifiably proud of what has been ac- terms of t h e e months and were required confidence and a chance to use her. own coml)lislted here in Son Diego, Calif. We to ltave a tninimum of three mortths so. ideas. are happy to share our experience with I~ricty. As the group grew h e work of A hospital committee of three is also other women’s groups. these members grew also. In February appointed and changed each montlt. The The first women’s meeting was I~eltl, 1947 the setup of the groltp was reorgan- responsibility of this committee is to check Septeml)cr 9, 1945. ized a ~ ~ thed present plan seems to work on new prospects who may be hospitalwell. ized. Cold A.A. Pins We set up a rotating committee of five We also have an elected secretary and women, two seniors nncl three juniors; the treasurer. Each have at least one year In Fel~ruaryof 1916 a suniciently strong seniors are required to ltave over one year of sobriety and serves for six months, their nucleus had been attained, numbering of sobriety and the jmiors over three terms corresponding to the A.A. Direcnbout 15, and an outside meeting place montl~sbut less than a year. Each month tory issued by the General Service Headwas rented for regular meetings. A weekly the woman who 11as been longest on the, quarters, New York City. meeting has been held every week since committee serves as chairman for the The 12th Step work with women pros- Septcrnber 1945. morttl~and then steps oat. She is replaced pects is the responsihility of the members, In September 194.6 we inaugurated the l ~ yanotlter sel~ioror junior as the case who make calls in pairs whenever possible. custom of presenting tiny, gold A.A. pins may be. The: sertiors are named in order The follow-up contacts are made by the to the women who had achieved a year of of duration of sobriety and the juniors women making the original call. sol~rietyin the group. Forty-two of these are elected by blind ballot at the regular o w year pins lmve been given to nlem- montldy business meeting. Complete.Card File I~ers. Our records now show more than ‘ All business is confined to meetings A complete card file is kept on all con- 20 women with.over six months of unin- which are held once a month, prior to the tacts, including the names of sponsors and terrupted sobriety. We feel tlmt nothing regular meeting; any emergency business dates of calls. Most of the requests for cr~n now disturb the stability of our rvhich comes up is brought to the chair- help come through our Central Office, \Vomen’s Group. man of the group who consults with the whicl~we find invaluable. The women who In the past year, a second group has other members of the rotating committee. make the calls report back to the onice I~een started confined entirely to. women They decide whether the business is im- so that their records also may be comunder 35 years. ‘I’ltere are now about 20 portant enough to bring up at a non-busi- plete. of these young women who are holding ness meeting. This is evidently a good We have recently opened a club house their own weekly meetings. Another idea, as it gives us the entire meeting time wlticl~we feel will be of great help. The Women’s Groap it1 the outlying area is in f o r A.A. study and discussion. The rotat- Women’s Group is entirely self-supportt l ~ cmaking, – and we have also been able to ing committee through its chairman is re- ing and on several occasions has been able help one of our northern cities get a group started.

to raise funds to help with various A.A. projects in the area. We feel that the growth of our group is due to the rotation of responsibility, keeping business and personalities out of the meetings as far as humanly possikle. We would be very glad to offer any help ‘ we may and when we hear that old cry “Women can’t get along together” we know ‘it isn’t so.–CYomen’s Croup.

June 1948

Contagious!

From San Francisco Each day try these simple Alcoholism as a disease is unique experiments on at least one person: in that it is not contagious, but its effects Smile…You were a sourpuss before! are felt by all who come in contact with Be Tolerant…You could be wrong! those afflicted. How often the alcoholic’s Be Understanding…And soon others family, friends, and employers must have will want your way of life! thought a light case of tuberculosis would For your way(practice of A.A. be more welcome! principles) is the road to peace and Now, we alcoholics who are serenity for which all are searching, arrested cases via A.A. still have whether they know it or not. something which can affect those with Whereas others lived in terror of whom we come in contact; and what we your former condition, they will now want have now can be contagious, to the to be a part of the life lived by the new happiness of the infected. you. Let us be as unselfish in sharing With a sense of humility and a our new way of life as we were in sincere desire o help others, let us be sharing the ways which went with our generous with ourselves. N works. drinking days. – Jane

November 1948

FTER much thought and ground curing jobs and above all are taught A work “The Women’s Studio the A.A. way of life. ‘ Club” has opened in Seattle, Wash. Its purpose is to help in some Regular A.A. meetings for women only are held in the club. There is way the rehabilitation of women re- a housemother who is an A.A. volunleased from jail and who have only teer. It is her job to supervise such an alcoholic record. regulation as is necessary. Although the thought originated The running expenses are so far with the women A.A. members who carried on by the original donations, had been working at the jail, the collections taken up at committee Studio Club actually came into being meetings at their own A.A. meetings. under the sponsorship of the non- It is suggested that after a girl alcoholic wife of one of the members. secures employment and housing, she The club cannot be termed strictly repay the club for her expenses there. an A.A. project because it was necessary in the beginning to accept The usual length of stay in the funds from the outside. However club is 10 days, although there is no much of thi money came in the form dead-line on this. The accommodaof contributions, niembership fees tions are not limited to girls released and pledges from the A.A. members. from jail only, but are open to any There is a homelike atmosphere woman in need of the help that the about the place and the girls who club has to offer. come to the club are given every At present the capacity is limited chance to straighten out their tangled to seven girls, with the expectancy lives. Here they may sleep, are of enlarging as soon as finances clothed, if necessary are aided in se- permit.

The Case History of a Lady Lush

sharp, raspy taste of whisky. Around bars, begging, booze, and beatinge. and around it spun. When new rec- The little men with bells were everyords went into the juke box, includ- where that Maggie went. Ringing ing “White Christmas,” Maggie re- . … . . ringing ringing. membered it was the season when One night a female patient was

N OBODY ever took a bottle away from Maggie. She wasn’t a secret drinker, either. Bold and belligerent-that was Maggielittle men in red suits rang bells on street corners. A beer-foam artist came to festoon holiday designs on the mirror. Gorgeous lithography admitted into the hospital of the little country village where Maggie had been raised. She had been found in a house outside town. The place was fierce in defense of her “rights.” showing the healthiest looking Santa unheated ; the telephone disconnected. Years of self-will had hurried this who was wealthy. Maybe from her Clauses in the world went up over A postman had found a frantic note frail young woman from an exclusive family, which was respectable. May- the bar. “Here’s health,” repeated in the RFD box. State police entered school for girls to the saloons of be from her husband, who was com- the customers. “Good health, pal!’ the house and called an ambulance. High Street. Maggie made her home passionate. Maggie didn’t care; she That was almost Maggie’s last ride. there. It set a dingy stage for her was thirsty. The blue slip of paper AGGIE’S own health wasn’t as She was recognized at the hospital. nightmare dream. cashed readily at any bar on High good as the testimonal. She had Family and clergy were called. But Well-behaved customers were privi- Street. Few dollars went for food; lost weight; her clothes hung like the Lady Drunk of High Street leged to spend a11 their days and less for rent or clothes; Maggie kept borrowed rags. Her last few allow- wanted only one thing in this world practically all their nights in High her cash strictly liquid. She was gen- ance checks had shrunk alarmingly, (or the next). It was something she Street saloons. Opening hour was erous as a princess. “Give that Joe too. But not her thirst. Maggie didn’t fully know, an aid of which early, to snare a buck from morning- a drink,” she would order, spotting a poured her money out generously as she had only heard. “Gimmie A.A., drinkers. Maggie was always out- wreck who needed one. “Poor feller, always. When it was gone, she begged Maggie. “Please let me talk side, waiting. Rain or shine; warm he’s got the shakes awful bad!’ bummed drinks. “Set me up, pal,” to the A.A. people.” or snow. She was well-behaved, too, she caged. “Put it on the cuff.” Old according to the strict rules. She AMILIAR faces came and went, cronies melted away like slush on the 0,Maggie joined that small army didn’t break anything; she didn’t FshuRling along with the hands of chase other customers away; she al- the clock. Maggie knew everybody. floor. Invitations to chase herself S who came into A.A. literally “on “outa the joint ‘n’ stay out,” became their hands and knees.” Maggie is ways paid. “Gimmie jus’ a hundred She greeted the regulars; observed increasingly frequent. Someone beat still on hers, in spirit. In flesh, she’s customers like you, Maggie,” en- the “characters”; said goodbye to her up a couple of times. A cop doing a 24hour job, pouring double thused many a barkeep, eyes shin- one barkeep and hello again to the pulled a girl out of the snow one headers of energy, enthusiasm and ing like a “ball” of whisky in the new man on tbe sbift. Maggie passed night. Maggie made a short trip to devotion into her local A.A. Group. bottom of a glass. along all the gossip; all the atories. the hospital. Release; then, a doctor’s No night is too dark or stormy for Maggie received an allowance. Her tiny world was built on cigarette warning and the old road back. A Maggie to visit an A.A. Meeting. Maybe it came from her grandfather, smoke, the clink of silver coins; the twilight of delirium sifted down; No 12th Step call is too hopeless. No

trip too distant. “Maggie didn’t just her. Not far away, a lighted wreath read the A d . Book,” remarked one shone from a window in the house newcomer, “she ate it.” where she had crawled to die. . This year Christmas carols didn’t “Merry Christmas and Happy New ring out for Maggie from a saloon Year, God Bless You,” tinkled the juke box; she heard real choir voices. silvery bell on a snowy corner. Coins clinked, bills rustled in a plate “Happy New Year, God Bless being quietly passed from hand to A.A.” came the answer from the hand. Maggie’s husband sat beside Lady Drunk of High Street.-L.D.

March 1949

. . tl~atsn~acksof reality. Of course if f;em~me been hiding, ratior~alizirrga d fleeing for a long time, us 1 Irad, it’s Fraud not going to be easy to emerge from your carefully constructed shell and find someone to work on. Frorn Defiance, Ohio. I made a few feeble attempts nnd the slightest signs of progress dis- ONSTlTU- turbedme. TIONAL dis- I began to think, “What if this l~onestyis gener-friend finds out all about me, how a I 1 y considered undeserving I am, for example?” to be the prirt-Then I’d begin to pick myself to ci [)”I reason for pieces unmercifully. leminine failures in A.A. I’m in- INALLY I discovered thnt I had dined to s a Y 9 F t o begin on myself if I wanted to “l’OP~~cock!” ~nnkeany real progress. I took a know from my own personal e x ~ e r i – kind of inventory. I checked e l m h a t wen a deeply illgrained up on my few virtues instent1 of my hahit of disl~onestycan be overcome, faulb. Believe it or not, I struck a and it need not be exchanged snag here, too. I began rationalizing tIwt “brutnl frankness” which is so my poor little virtues. I Ijeat tllem often confused with honesty. down to a pulp and called them “du- Constitutional dishonesty, ns I see ties? ln time this passed and I it, comes from a lack of love. I found that I could love myself in the don’t mean romantic love; I mean right way rather than in the egotistithe common garden variety of broth- cal manner. 1 found that I could erly love. spend several hours alone and sober It works like this; when we learn without getting the heebie-jeebies. to love a n y o n e y e s , even Then I started out on others again. –in the right way, we find that we This time I found that I had sometrust that Person. When we love thing to give. I wasn’t gypping them. trust someone wholeheartedly, it is I knew how to find the good in almost impossible for them to refuse and help illem the most to make the feeling mutual. Then a of it. I had exchanged suspicion for true friendship is made. faith and I begnn to receive faith in return. It’s not easy, l)ut if you’ll a true friend it is no longer let your natural stubbornness work W g L s r y to bide this, to ration- for you instead of against you, you’ll alize that, or to flee from anything find it is really worth while.-4.11.

May 1949

Lady A.A.s Get Their Heads Toget her

Some From Ilirnlingharn, Ala. Husbands montl~sago the lady alco- O”:T lolics with their numerous problcrns dericlrd they would get their In for a I ~ r a d stogcdwr, strp out a r d gnther in sorno clay I inle A.A. teacl~ings. It SCCIIIC~It l ~ a tsome Il~rsl~ands weren’t too anxious to stay home and babysit wl~ilemama went to A.A. meetings n co~ipleof nigl~tsa wcek. ‘I’he scurrying to fix dinner, wash Our meclings – stick close to usual clisllcs, p r e p r e kids for I d , dress A.A. routine with a speaker every yourself and make the meeting across a wcek and once a month round-table tow11 by 3 o’clock was in itself an cliscussion on “rcsentn~ents” and so emotional strain. Most women (so1)er forth. women) take a little time out for We find a great deal of hell~ful l~~ncll cvrry tlay, so we put those min- material for disc~issionin The A.A. utes, plus a few more, to work and Grapevine and got a pnrticularly I ~ i g Ilave formed a grand luncl~congroup. kick out of the article, “Getting the This all-fernale group has Iwouglrt Family Sober,” wllicl~ appeared in a great deal of A.A. teaellings to our the February issue. mcml)ers, both old and new. We have We knew that a large nrimhr of fo~lndthat beginners conquer tllrir lady nlcoholics were not being sclf-cor~sciousnessand get into the reached Imause of numerous dim- . real A.A. Program from s ~ ~ r , i n . I lwn, of course, with their mrctl ~ cdties. Now we have some nlcrlll)ers whose I~osbandsare not aware tI1111 peace of mind, l~ctter dispositions they have A.A. connections and nre and “rnsy docs it” n~ethodsof Ilorne- amazed at the about-face their wives nnking, .fricnd husband is ovcr- Iluvc taken. In time tl~eseI ~ u s l ) i ~ ~ ~ t l s 6nxio11s (in time) for any extra nigllt will be told. In the mear~timewe ore sessions we wish to attend. going “grent guns.”–Anonymous

J e ‘

September 1949 This Could Be Y o u r Group meant to me, an A A away from home and on a convention at that. years) and that the South didn’t have a monopoly on hospitality, Before I knew what had happened, fellowship or manners. I’hilt afterwe were on our feet closing with noon I visited the A A Club, the ( the Lord’s Prayer. Downtown or Central group. After sitting around for nearly 20 minutes

I STOOD around for a bit but no one made any effort to speak to me s o I went up front and comlike a bump on a log–again nobody paid me the slightest bit of attention-1 finally located the plimented the program chairman on office and introduced myself. What her meeting.Several times we were started out very dully turned out ) A M an alcoholic. I belong to a visiting A A to “drop by for some interrupted while she spoke to to be a very interesting bull sesgroup in Charlotte, N. Car. coffee or coke” on the way home. other members, turning her back sion of an hour or more on AA– In all of our group meetings, whe- The week ending Saturday, June on me without an “Excuse me” or naturally! The point, though, is ther open or closed, the secretary 25, 1 was attending a convention “Pardon me.” She finally did pre- that nobody spoke to me; I had to or the presiding member asks if i n a large eastern city. My first sent me to three ladies–simply make the first move and break the. there are any new n~embers,guests act on arriving was to phone an because they almost stood on my ice! A l t e r the ice was broken, or visiting AAs. The visiting A A AA friend whom I had had the toes. Quite abruptly she walked everything wns swell–they were is asked to introduce himself to pleasure of meeting at the N. Car. away, I was not asked to partake very hospitable and nice, the group and to say a few words State Convention in Asheville last of any refreshments. I stood around if he cares to. When the program May, where she had been a guest like a f i s h out of water. I was com- )chairman has concluded the program and tnrns the meeting back speaker and had made one of the outstanding talks of the convention. pletely ignored–not another soul spoke tome. I definitely was burned T “AT evening I attended an-/ other group meeting. Had m y ‘ friend not given me the name of a to the secretary for closing, the up at that group’s complete lack woman A A to ask for, I’m afraid secretary again asks i f there are any visiting A A s who were not I ASKED her where and when A A meetings were held. 1 atof friendship, fellowship and hoopitality. 1 left, and then rememberthat it would have been a repetiof the previous group. There again, recognized at the beginning of the tended two, missing convention ing that I didn’t kllow where to I had to break the ice–no orle meeting (for the benefit of those meetings i n order to attend AA- locate a cab to take me back to spoke to me, welcomed meorasked who might have come in late) and a sacrifice 1 was more than willing the hotel, I returned and asked the me where I was from (although I a s before, these are asked if they to make. The first meeting that I firet man I saw where the nearest had my convention badge on my would like to say something. Inme- attended was excellent; fine speak- phone was to call a cab. Curtly, I lapel with my name and home city diately after the closing prayer, ers, good ideas and opinions were was told that I could find one on it i n type large enough to be our members introduce then~selves heard and exchanged–one could- across the driveway. read across the room!) I had to to the visitor and in turn introduce n’t have heard better A A talk any- make the effort and ask for this him around to the rest of the members. He is offered coffee and where. I fully expected to be introduced to the group a s a visiting I CALLED my friend the next day and related the above. She was surprised but in effect said lady. IJnfortunately she was not there but I was asked, “Can I do I cake and generally made A A from Charlotte and I anything for you?” l explained that I to feel at home and at was looking forward to tell- that only the South extended the I was a visitor. Then I met some ease. More often than not, ing the group what an ex- hospitality that I was used to. I A A s and from then on everything one of the members w i l l ask cellent meeting they had reminded her that I was R North- was in the groove, particularly when ‘ a few members and the had and how much it had erner (I’ve lived in the South 12 I was asked; ‘ DO you know-?”

M Y point in writing this article is this: Where was the hand of A A fellowship? l felt like an outme that we are individually and collectively falling down on our 12 Steps if we fail to make a visiting cast. Had I been one of those un- AA at home by extending the right fortunates who can’t quite seem to hand of fellowship, frienclliness, get and stay on the Program, I hospitality and courtesy. would have gone out after that first meeting looking for the nearest bar and, brother, I would have gotten Rloriously drunk–1 could have MAY sugeest, humbly, that all [ make it a point to regroups cognize visiting A A s , that you do ‘ found fellowship at the bar and a a s much a s possible towards make

darn sight more friendliness than ing their visit in your city or town was shown me after the first meet- a happy one s o that they will look ing–at least that is the way forward to returning and renewin8 stinking thinking could have AA friendships. We all do a lot of figured it out. 12th Stepping-we go out and get It seems to me that AA i s much a drunk, sober him up and get him more important away from home. A to attend meetings, thereby keepperson i s among strangers–he ing him sober and happy. You needs the understanding fellowship wouldn’t intentionally do anything that AA should be able to give to make an A A mad s o that he I him. No one understands a drunk would go out and get drunk, would like another drunk–whether they you? Then why would you do anyare drinking or sober, thanks to thing that might risk a visiting Cod and AA. In a strange town fellow AA’s sobriety? Extend your with time on one’s hands, AA hand in fellowhsip to the visiting meetings and the fellowship that AA and you won’t ever regret it. should go with those meetings will “But for the Grace of Cod” you help to keep the visiting A A sober. might be that visiting AA.–H.S., A A got us sober and it seems to Charlotte, North Carolina

September 1949

A PTEH eight months of more or l e s s “straining*’ sobriety, I flopped into a six-months skid. I,ast night at the meeting, (Oh, I’ve been back on the beam since July 29, but I felt pretty glum and hang-doggish.) Anyway, after 1have MI a female alcoholic, and been “dry” for eight ‘

doughnuts and coffee, 1 meandered months. The Program appealed to up to the literature table. me at once and I’ve h ~ d more hap- There lay a couple of sheets of piness and fun in these eight moruths an old copy of The A.A. (;rapevine than I’ve had in many a moon. (May, 1948) among more recent The hurdles s o far a s my friends works. “Even the n e s t Ilave are concerned have been few, but Slipped” was the caption that there has been the odd occasion caught my eyes (and heart!) when I’ve known some so-called “Look, Pop!” 1 said to an old friends to feel sorry for “poor old timer. “What have I got to worry Mary, sitting around with her tongue about? See this?” hanging out!” I try s o hard not to “Nothing at all,” said he, “this harbor resentment toward these i s not a ‘worry’ Program !” “dumb bunnies” who just don’t When I came home, free of that know how light hearted and “stay back in the comer” (self- happy I am. mutilation of spirit) and told my One thing I don’t went i s pity. alcoholic wife about this, she said: I haven’t lost an a m or a leg or “Remember how one of the best of my sight. I’m healthier than I’ve Christ’s disciples ‘slipped’ three ever been, I honestly enjoy my times before the rooster crowed?” family, friends and the world in Yeah, you get it. He went back general, all except these few Pity on the beam, and stayed on Patrons who just don’t know what the beam. There was no other it’s all about. I guess I’ll even “saving” for him either!!– learn to love them too.–Mary M., W. K., St. Petersburg, Florida Kitchener, Ont., Canada

November 1949

to which alcoholic and non-alcopd@ As wives of A A members, we are, you might say, ,. (3 the helpers of the helpers.*’ This is 0’thecourse we understand that new woman alcoholic must holic women are invited. Whether we play cards, knit, bowl, golf, or our role and we gladly accept it. Like our hus- turn to the alcoholics in the group, bands, we feel we have grown In mind and spi- particularly the women alcoholics, just plain chat isn’t too important. rit through contact with AA, and as we share for their vital and fundamental help The alcoholics seem to blossom with them the blessings it has brought, we find with their drinking problem. The in the genial, friendly atmosphere. that w e too have been touched by a new humility. non-alcoholics play a secondary The new woman feels accepted, We know through A A teachings that alco- role. We merely supplement the wanted, understood: On such days holism i s a disease which we have escaped work of the alcoholics, and try to she i s not hungering for the comthrough no special virtue of our own. With this lighten their burden. panionshib of the drinking pals in mind, and with a deep desire to help others Aside from making our mental she had to give up to protect her toward this new way of life, our attention and attitude clear to the alcoholic sobriety. And she begins to feel

fi W w concern is turned to those we can aid in our own group, especially the woman alcoholic. Perhaps only a woman can understand and worr.en, we can help in a more tangible manner. We are not called upon, nor are we equipped to do that the non-alcoholic women really mean what they say: They are not critical; they actually are lriendly! appreciate the courage it takes for another 12th Step work. The alcoholic And at such gatherings, the older woman to bring this problem out into the open. women do that tirelessly, dili- alcoholic woman i s contented and For if a man, coming into AA, feels beaten gently, and enthusiastically. But happy. She feels, and her newest down and humiliated, this feeling is intensified they need occasions where they protege must feel, that the whole in the case of a woman member. Having lost can relax, sit back, and smile! group stands solidly behind them her own self-respect, and having suffered un- We can provide those occasions in their fight for sobriety.–K.C., told pangs of remorse, she paints a picture of by staging little “get-togethers” Pu//alo. New York herself which is pretty black. To her it is alw t & c c d most unbelievable that our picture of her i s entirely different. So she i s leery of the nonalcoholic women in the group, and although she is indesperate need of understanding and companionship, she tends to veer away from us. Gently and tactfully we can dispel any misunderstanding on their part by going out of our way to take a friendly and personal interest in them. Little by little we can impart to them the r e d nature of our uttitude t o u w d them: (a) That we have not been burdened with the same problem a s they only because of a different physical make-up; (b) That we have nothing but respect and admiration for their c o u r age in wanting to combat this problem;(c) That we have faith in their ability to make the grade; (d) That we are there to try to help them, in our limited capacity, however we can.

December 1949

A I I T one of the first A A meetings that attended with my hus- The Arena band w a s touched by the way a lady member t o whom we were introduced suddenly left her chair beside me and went t o s i t on t h e other s i d e of my husband. I thought In this corner, the l a d i e s that s h e wanted t o give him moral hairpulling barred! support, s i n c e h e w a s a newcomer t o the group. But s i n c e then s h e h a s avoided me a s carefully a s if I had leprosy, and I am forced t o conclude that s h e simply doesn’t obvious lack of response conwant t o have anything t o d o with vinces me that I would need t o a mere wife. wear a n e l e c t r i c blanket t o get T h e fact that I am not an alco- within three feet of her. And I holic myself s e e m s t o b e an un- realize again that t h i s one h a s forgivable fault in t h e e y e s of the a l s o heard–that I am only a wife! other lady members, a s well. Does s h e think that I have no- Sometimes I try t o break down t h i s thing t o offer her but contempt? barrier. Disengaging myself from Do the o t h e r s feel the same way? my s p o u s e a t t h e coffee hour, I When we wives know that some of find some female on the edge of the nicest people in the world are the crowd who looks lonesome. We in the same shoes–for instance, g e t t o talking. She t e l l s me b i t s the men we married. of her history t o which I listen Perhaps t h e s e cold-shoulderers with breathless interest. Then we don’t realize what a welcome remay discover that we have t a s t e s lief they woula- b e a s luncheon in common, or even children near g u e s t s who wouldn’t feel cheated the s a m e ages. And I think. .. we if you didn’t serve cocktails, Some must invite her over t o the house of the mere wives would relish . .. maybe when I know her better we c a n g o t o a matinee together friendships that could b e cultivated without the taste. and smell … she’s had a tough time.. . of alcohol, because of t h e more s h e must need friends. or l e s s unpleasant associations We part with the utmost cordial- that go with it. ity. I congratulate myself that a t T h e friendliness of the p u p l a s t I have broken the ice! i s s o heartening–why should But inevitably, when I s e e t h i s vou l a d i e s leave u s out in the new friend a t the next meeting- and cold? D o p l e a s e .defrost !–C. T., g i v e her my warmest smile, her Greenwich, Connecticut

February 1950

I NA. theA. December issue of The Grapevine, Mrs. C. T. a non-alcoholic wife of Greenwich, Conn., aired her views concerning the attitude of women AAs toward the wives of AA members. She sounded like a alcoholic women very pleasant, friendly person and her complaint was no doubt justi- objects of pity ordisgust, and most fied. However, beneath every hu- of all, they suffer from that desoman emotion and action lies a rea- late feeling that they are alone in son, sometimes apparent, but most their suffering and completely misalways hidden. Thus, there i s a understood. Then they have disvery definite reason for the lady covered AA, For the first time in AAers to be on the defensive in many years, they feel that they bethe presence of non-alcoholic long, they are understood, they women. are accepted without question, First of all, I believe, the woman they are not censored. They realalcoholic is afraid. She has been ize that there i s no ulterior motive afraid for years. She. has always in the kindness they encounter. been emotionally insecure. That It i s little wonder they retreat i s why she sought solace in the into their shells when they find bottle in the first place–that themselves in the company of one golden liquid which bolstered her of us wives. We bring back those ego and made her feel like an i m unpleasant feelings. They cannot ponant person. Our learned psy- feel that we sincerely understand chologists have decided that the them or sympathize with their premost important element to human vious actions. We have been happiness i s a feeling of impor- “good” wives. We have not negtance, a feeling that we are needed, lected our husbands or our childthat we matter. For a great many ren. We have shunned them and reasons, alcoholics lack this trait. gossiped about them. They have Of course, they may act important, no wish to be patronized nor do but there is no greater evidence they want our pity. They resent of a latent inferiority complex than being treated in that overly e h s i v e an attitude of superiority. manner which pigeon breasted These women, therefore, regard- dowagers bestow upon orphans at less of social position, wealth or a picnic. Naturally, they are on any other material advantage, are the defensive and I don’t blame afraid. They have been afraid that them. They take their fellow AAs their abnormal drinking would be a s is, but we have to prove OWdiscovered, afraid that they were selves, and it can be done.

March 1950

RanadornThoughts of a Middle-woman

A LL t h i s talk of “old-timers” who want something more than AA now offers, l e a v e s mevery cont o b e that kind of person. An AA member told me once that the sort of statement, “I will be f u s e d a s t o their meaning. I have good if you will, I will love you i f just p a s s e d my sixth anniversary, you will love me, I will disarm if which must make me not an old- you will disarm,”will bring u s no timer nor yet a new AA, but a sort peace–no lasting harmony. ‘*I of middleman (though I should s a y will b e good–period.” No if. Each middlewoman). Yet I cannot help of u s must d o our own thinking, but feel that t h o s e who have had make our own decisions. the great good fortune t o have had But t h e v i s t a s that t h i s Program a longer time in AA than 1, have of ours opens up a r e endless. that much more knowledge–that There just isn’t time t o explore their interest should b e that much half t h e interesting s i d e s of our more keen and their gratitude 4A kind of life. How c a n you b e greater with every extra year. I an old-timer with s o much new t o cannot s e e where life c a n hold a b e learned? T o me it i s life itself more gratifying kind of growth than –how t o live. t h i s of ours–to learn t o know and So, my answer t o those who feel understand ourselves and our they have graduated i s that they brother man. have forgotten t o b e grateful. T h e whole world i s s i c k today, Gracitude i s another name for hueven a s we were s i c k a s alco- mility, I think. Let u s b e grateful, holics–because it i s drowning in then, for a l l t h e s e blessings we i t s own dark fears, hatred and have received in AA, then s e e insecurity. As individuals we have what further eood and wonderful learned t o behave ourselves, t o t h i n g s may b e in store for us. think honestly b e c a u s e we want –Becky W., Montclair, N. I .

May 1950

Where were the lady columnists? was which. And nobody, but no- Woman of Distinction Where were the lady movie stars? Where, for that matter, was me? body, drank anything other than whisky and. soda except at meals. m a t , in short, about the beverage So,. feeling the nee2 of being of u s ladies of distinction? somebody, I drank whisky and It was a subject to which I had soda. It was the genteel, the utterly devoted some 15 years of ear- correct drink, and nobody could nest research–without, I regret get plastered on it. Look at the to state, coming up with a satisfac- British. tory answer. My fledgling drinking I looked at the British, and I got was done during prohibition, and I plastered all the same. On me, it can personally testify, more h c e – did not look distinguished. Neifully than I wish I could, that there ther, later, did bo&bon, straight. was nothing distinguished about the Neither did gin. Neither did cheap after effects of bootleg gin. I can sherry. Neither, finally and last testify s o forcefully that to this of all, did vodka. Do not, my s l i p day I can’t bearto lookat a certain ping friends, believe the pleasing brand of ginger ale, the kind we myth that vodka leaves no hanghid the taste with. Immediately over. I can guarantee otherwise. after prohibition, I took to fluff+ vodka is, however, a solvent of a ruffle drinks–pink ladies, Aler- great many things, and any claim to anders. Genteel to look at, refined distinction i s among them, especito order; in what they did to me, ally when the stuff is gulped raw, not any more distinguished than what emerged all raw and primal from a Bronx bathtub. So I shifted with the times, a s did my pals when rigor mortis was setting in on the 18th Amendment, and everybody who was anybody (or thought he was) approached the I N MY elbow bending days, I used to be a great girl for equality of the sexes, except when Assorted gents used to have their photographs taken to prove it-airplane manufacturers, movie newly legalized beverages with extreme refinement and self-constars, writers, photographers. All sciousness. Red wine with red it came to buying the next round. meat, and some things just at room A lot of people, however, didn’t very poised, all very elegant, all temperature and some other things s e e eye to eye with me. Among wearing carnations in the suitable otherwise and Ijeaven and Emily t h ~ m ,I’ used t o n&e with extreme lapel. All discerning a s all-gekut .Post help you. .if you forgot .- which pih”‘the bbvioukifwesence of a cer;~ ‘in their taste for whisky. All mare:? tdin ‘;hi& ‘manufa&&er’. Men of . ~ ~ f u f iI yused ‘ to watch the ad-” Distinction had their favorite brand. vertisements a s they came up;

straight from the bottle. pink mel$ed goo at the bottom. Hot Endeth the downgrade. I shall fudge, clinging cozily to the teeth. always bless vodka; it brought me, Caramel nut, with a blob of whip from my highly undistinguished ped cream on top. Even, on days personal low, to the Program. It of wildorgy calling for a full scale also brought me (or s o I thought) bender, a banana split. to the conclusion of my research. At length, alas, I noted a curi- But in this I was wrong. Mine, ous phenomenon. My clothes had like s o many projects, was to flour- shrunk, to a garment. Waistline ish anew once I had gained my so- zippers no longer zipped, buttons briety, and was destined to be popped and hooks refused to look carried through to its triumphant me in the eye. The situation called conclusion. . for courage rather than serenity. I It began again with a new ap- forswore sundaes; I am a beverage proach– not with beverages at all. girl again. My s p o n s a told me sugar was the Coffee? By the gallon. Teq? A answer to that cnd-of-the-day let third cup, please, with lots of l e m down, the fatigue which used t o on. ~ e v e k u ~ ? Yes, thanks, and call for a quick one. My studies, time out for thepause that refreshtherefore, resumed in a devious es, and abucket or so of lemonade. . way with candy. I graduated from come August. I am at last in a pothe Hershey bar to the chocolate sition t o give you the feminine peppermint, thence to peanut brit- beverage of distinction. Rally atle and on to my personal home round me, sisters, while I whisper made fudge. Which nobody could the secret. Any drink at all, pink call distinguished. Then my cur- or pale, cold or hot, long or short, riculum extended itself. I became of with or without a sprig mint, so a sundae fancier. When staIe and long a s it hasn’t stick in it. sagging after the daily toil, I used And it will still be perfectly all to think in termsof highball. I now right with me if the boys will buy thought sundae. Vanilla, with scar- the next round. -4C., . let strawberries on top and lovely Los Angeles, Cdifornia

June 1950

BETTY crawler not a cocktail lounge-loafer. The boys always referred to her a s a two-fisted gal who drank like a man. She was always decent.

WAS A “Why I never even scratched a fender on my car,” laughed Betty. (8 But I sure twisted my soul.”

LADY Betty had received every advantage that a well-to-do family could give an attractive, intelligent only daughter. Her marriage to a prominent attornev had been a much- -but she drank like a m a n . . . heralded social event. .. And Betty’s life had continued along its secure, unworried, sheltered B ETTy i s a grandmother–one of the post-wu type, who doespattern. Betty and her husband were active in civic affairs, leaders in n’t look much older than her young the city ‘s country club life, and bemarried daughter. Betty also i s a longed to what we on the outside very fortunate woman. She has re- called, “the heavy drinking set.” tained her comliness, despite a persecution complex that pushed her over that line of demarkation that separates those who can handle liquor and those of u s who can’t. I’d known Betty since we went to grade school together, but hadn’t -no one seen her for about three years. Now we were catching up, having re- knew what duced ourselves to a common denominator–membership in Alco- went on behind holics Anonymous. To one whose chief contacts with my locked door.. . alcoholics had been with those unfortunates who soddenly climb out of the gutter looking for help, Betty afforded me a charming and intriguing relief, plus a new slant on uncontrolled drinking. Betty had always been a heavy drinker socially, but never a pub-

Her own capacity for liquor made would eventually lead you to hell three months I never left my room secution trap you’ve put me in.” Betty intolerant of others who and gone?” I asked. except to sneak out to the liquor Patiently he ignored my taunting: t* couldn’t handle theirs. Despite her Betty pursed her expressive stare. And another strange thing Honey, listen to me. I know a cow reputation as a drinker, Betty had mouth. “No, because I could control my drinking at that time … happened … I switched to wine. ple of our friends who I think can never been involved in any scandal, Wine! Imagine me, a two-fisted help u s solve this problem. They nor had experienced any trouble believe me or not! You see, I was whisky drinker getting drunk on understand about compulsive drinkother than an occasional hangover. only a compulsive drinker for three wine. But a s I look backon it now, ing. They’ve been all through it, I knew this part of Betty’s story, months . .. the three months prior I believe I had become saturated Will you let me call them?” but the persecution complex was my finding Alcoholics Anonymous.” with hard liquor, and I didn’t re- I lookedat himdefiantly. But his a new twist. Here was a new pitch. I’d have quire much to put me out. Plus the gentleness, his earnest tolerance “When did you learn about this to think this over before acquies- fact that the wine did it so gently. with me, his voice without any phase of your drinking, Betty?” ing with Betty on her “three months “Until now no one except my criticism, cut me as nothing else I asked. “You certainly had no compulsive drinking.” husband and daughter knew what in the world had. tt reason to feel persecuted.” Betty was warmed up to her sub- went on behind the locked door of Suddenly I was swept with an “I first noticed it in college. ject now and continued: “Take the my bedroom. And not even they re- overpowering sense of remorse. I After I’d had a few drinks, I sud- two months preparation for Judy’s alized the panic, the complete fell into his arms and sobbed hysdenly felt that my family were per- wedding. From the time the date frustration and confusion that clog- terically. I knew at that moment secuting me. How they were doing was set, right on through the plan- ged my brain during the hours when that I couldn’t whip this thing, it, I never quite figured out. When ning and activities attendant to the I was seeking oblivion. During whatever it was . . .” I got married I switched t h e f e e l q wedding and reception, down to the more or less sober moments I’d try “Did you know about AA, Betty?” over to my husband. Obviously, moment when the last empty- . cham- to figure why I had no desire to “Oh, in a vague way. But I didneither party deserved such ueat- pagne bottle was carried out, participate with my husband in our n’t even ask who my husband had ment. Now I h o w it was the alco- I never touched a drink.” usual frolicking, party life, or at- in mind. The word that interested. hol working. “Watch your humility,” I laughed. tend civic events with him. Actu- me was ‘help.’ I admitted that much “You’ll be telling me you’re not an ally, 1 didn’t care. All I wanted to and whimpered, ‘Do something, tt It slowed me down at parties, Secause I’d be looking forward to alcoholic in a minute.” * tBut wait,” said Betty. “The do was drink until I passed out .. . please.’ And passed out.” then rekindle the foolish fires oi Betty paused as though she were getting home and locking myself minute Judy and her husband drove my self-inflicted persecution, and reliving that frightening few minin my bedroom and going to work out the driveway, something inside add duel to my intolerable self-pity!’ utes. Then she resumed ‘with a on my own bottle. Mixed with the me snapped. I rushed into the house “And all this happened prac- smile: ‘*When I came to, I saw persecution complex and my self and two hours later I passed out tically overnight, Betty?” Milly and Frank sitting across from pity, the whisky soon blotted out across my bed–drunk once more. “Yes, and it ended almost as me. I was too foggy to bedisturbed the whole matter. When1 awoke the NY husband wakened me later that quickly, thank God . .. Qne night that these two expatriates from our obsession had completely passed. evening and asked me what had my husband cornered me a s I was social set, whose careers included When these times became too fre- happened. Honestly, I didn’t know!’ returning to my room. He put his unsavory divorces, scandalous esquent, I’d stopdrinking for a while, “Wherc’d you go from there?” arm around my shoulder. “Darling, capades, nights in jail and for and become the most appreciative, I quizzed. “Back on the water isn’t there something I can do to Milly, protracted visits to drying- I loving wife and mother in town.” wagon again?” help free you from this terrible out spas, were the individuals ! “Didn’t these drinking bouts trap you’re in?” chosen to help me. I drew a laugh give you an idea that you might be setting up a drinking pattern that Betty hesitated a moment before answering. “From then on I became I screamed: “That’s it! trap!.. a damned trap! .. … a pera from them and my husband when 1 mumbled that my drinking had neva compulsive drinker. For the next

er caused the trouble theirs had. ing, plus what she’d said about But Milly, good old Milly, straight- what happened after we started ened me out–and quick, on that drinking, knocked me off the tree. score, by telling me that it wasn’t From that point on whatever htilly necessary for a person to roll in or Frank said seemed to make the gutter, or even become a too- sense. And they’d beendry for two regular customer of a cocktail years and knew a few of the anlounge to qualify a s an alcoholic. swers. I think I even smiled when That it wasn’t the amount of liquor, later that evening I got into their or the kind, nor the length of time car to be taken to the hospital for one drank, that mattered at all. It a five day stay . . .” was what happened after we started Detty got up and executed a few drinking. . . .” soft shoe steps. “D’you know I’m Betty laughed that buoyant laugh celebrating my first anniversary for which she was famous; “Good tomorrow night? I’ll be extra grateold Milly, poured me a drink of ful and humble, but,” she folded wine at this point. A s she handed her hands in supplication, “1’11 me the glass, asked me if I honest- also be very dignified, because I’m ly wanted to quit drinking. You a grandmother now!” –R. McK., know this little act of understand- Lansing, Michigan

August 1950

holic- She Ilus ,Yo S l ~ c c i dI’roh- like a Southern lady is suppose to. (ems – or llus She?” You know the “toy with a glass of T o those who may immediately sherry” type. I could toy beauti- ‘ shout “no”, may I meekly state fully with a quart of whisky, a case that I am a Southerner, a woman of beer and eventually a few slugs and an alcoholic …and to me, the of paraldehyde. So I never could most important of all, an Ah mem- quitereconcile that picture of what ber for some six years. On those I wanted people to think I was with qualifications I base my own per- what I actually was consequentsonal opinion that s h r has. ly, I had to get very drunk private- Let’s consider me. Proper home, ly, very often, to bring that reconproper education, proper friends, ciliation of pictures together. You proper social work such a s church can reconcile anything, if you’re guilds and Junior League, proper passed out. marriage – no special amount of Yes, I finally lost the husband money but that isn’t very important with the last quart of whisky, and in the South. “Proper” also in- almost lost me. A A stepped in just cluded making a wry face over a before the last happened when I drink of corn whisky, out of a pa- was transported from a Southern per cup at the Country Club! Yes, State to a rest home in the East. that dates me, it was the prohibition I found AA in a large Metropolitan era in which I grew to young lady- area, and to me, that i s the easier hood and supposed maturity. I road for us women alcoholics. didn’t know then that 1 couldn’t I’ve tried to indicate that the have both alcohol and maturity. picture of this ‘Carrie Confederate’ About 1934 I had crossed that well during the 10 years of fade-in, known (to us) but invisible red fade-out, could be summed up in line into alcoholism and the crav- one word hiding. Hiding from my- ing for just one more drink and I self, hiding always from the public. still felt “it can’t happen here.” Which in the final analysis, i s the – But it can and it did. What price most sordid picture of all, because a college degree, what p i c e a you alone know the complete picfirm code of morals and ethics, – ture and it isn’t pretty. The begmix them all up with highballs and ging for beer on my knees to my I REhWMIIER s o well an article in the June 1949 Grapevine, cocktails and the net result was utter confusion in my thinking and Southern mammy, who went everywhere with my husband and me. which was headed like this: my life. Only another Southern woman would “Consider the Old Timers – They I toanted the respect of my know what that would mean, men- Ilave No I’rohlern – or Ilutje They?’ friends, I wanted the love of my tally. The lack of physical dain- Paraphrasing that, let’s “Conhusband and family – but I wanted tiness, which epitomizes the picsider The Southern U’utuan Alcoall this plus the ability to drink ture of a lady, from any locality.

That necessity for hiding, both woman was protected from the boo on ttle streets, here in ttle luncheon in my honor, served very from myself and from the public, i s “hard” things of life – s o protec- North and East – just s o is i t potent cocktails, a s was her wont, all part of my reasoning that the ted that she didn’t get to know easier for us women to say “I i i m and the honoree was the only co- Southern woman alcoholic does many of thc realities of living. AnJ an alcol~olic and still n I d y , ca-cola drinker. Did it matter one have special problems. I am not speaking of just the griat sober” in localities other than particle that my chief affiliation Why? realities. Protection can end al- the South. ,. was m y AA alfiliation? Those who Because today, in the South most in sulfocation, or at least Because I was a Southerner be- werereally fond of me, were happy still, i s the fragile, dainty “I nev- enervation. Protect ion can end in fore I was an alcoholic, my heart because I was happy, those who er could balance my check book” the refusal to face oneself hon- goes out to Carrie Confederate were casual, really didn’t give a ideal woman, cherished in the estly, and finally, the inability to who still won’t or can’t let go of hoot. A soher alcoholic has a hard hearts of i t s men. I am not decry- d o so. And I feel that protective these false fears, reassemble her time convincing her friends that ing that – that i s the kind of wo- sheltering spirit still e x i s t s more values, come to A A and become she i s an alcoholic. llut- here’s man I still want to be (with the in the South than elsewhere. Which happy. She has nothing to lose and the catch. The fear of what people exception that I can balance my wonderful a s it is, makes it har- everything to gain. So her Junior were thinking or saying, whispering check bonk .)I am saying that the der for us women alcoholics. League friends know she i s in AA. behind their fans, s o to speak, had Southern woman alcoholic, to per- Perhaps this will explain what So what? So her maid knows she gone out of me completely. And petuate that myth in the minds of I am trying to say. While in the i s in AA. So what? So her hus- when it went out of my heart and the general public, still prefers in South some months back, having band knows that Carrie has an ill- mind, I did not meet it in the many many c a s e s , the oblivion of dined very pleasantly with a good n e s s and if only she will g o t o A A , thoughts or faces of others. Ilad the locked bedroom and the bottle, friend, who i s himself an AA of she canrevert back to her fragility, I lost the respect of my friends? to coming out and admitting “I’m many years, I walked nonchalantly soher. None of us can be dainty, No. [lad I lost my social standing still a lady, sober, but I’m an al- to his car. When I sat down he cherished – drunk. (if there i s such a thing?) No. coholic. Where do I go from here?” said “Will you do something for A year or s o ago, I went back to Had I regained my own self re- In other words, I do not believe me – please don’t smoke on the my old home in the South for the first time, a s an acknowledged alspect? Definitely Yes. that the stigma, s o called, of the street.” The lighting of a ciga- Oh please, all Carrie Confederillness of alcoholism has been rette had been s o unconscious on coholic. It was all very social, ates come out of hiding. It i s s o lifted a s well in my wonderful my part, that I was startled. The with teas, cocktail parties and wonderful not to be afraid. Southland (which I love) for the natural answer to that was, “of whatnot. My hostess gave a large –Anonymous woman alcoholic, a s it has in other course, I will watch that in the localities. For its men, yes. But future.” What realIy startled me, that d a t e s back to “Johnnie i s was the fact that whereas he had just sowing his wild oats.” But noobjection whatever to my smok- Janie was never allowed to. A Mid- ing, it was definitely taboo in his western lady drunk may take um- thoughts between restaurant and brage at that, saying that the diffi- car. I am not arguing for the right cultiesof lifting that stigma holds of women to smoke, or their right true for all women alcoholics. Yes, to smoke on the streets a s men do. but in a greater degree in the South. I am saying this is, in a sense, the Perhaps it all dates back to the perpetuation of the sheltered wocrinoline, slave days, when labor man ideal of the South. Just a s was plentiful, and the Southern one does not meet the smoking ta-

September 1950 TIME ? – what’s that ?

L IKI.:many another female alcoholic, I asked my sponser the $64 question. In anguish I howled, man, but I’m sure any alcoholic could give him an entirely new conception of the relativity of time. “What will I do with my time?” Thursday I was at the meeting, 1 was her first call, I discovered and my little sponsor wasn’t there, later. Nervously and brightly she a fact I hardly noticed I was so answered, “Oh, A A will take care absorbed. Came Saturday noon, and of that.” Quite an order, I thought my little sponsor called and said, to myself. “Do you want a baby?” \Ifell, i t I still bought my liquor by the flashed through my mind that cercase and spent every miserable tainly would be an answer to the waking how trying toget myself in question of time. I was sure the shape to drink a s much a s I could, diaper services were open on Satin the upholstered cell my Beverly urday afternoon. After all babies Hills home had become. I had yet didn’t understand the 40-hour week. to use my energies in that enter- The laundry basket would serve prising bottle hunt that I was soon amply for the week end. Milk was to hear about, consequently every readily available. Let me see, what thought was of alcohol. were those hours, two, four, six My sponsor suggested a meeting. and ten. Something like that. It My first one was on a Thursday, sure would keep me busy. Wonderthe following one of the same group, ful people those AAs. Blithefully on Sunday.. As I didn’t ask, no one I went to my sponsor’s home. informed me there were other meetings elsewhere, and my first meet- You know what I found. A very ing had instilled in me one desire, drunk little sponsor … It was a to get to a s many a s possible. So fine lesson for me, unfortunate for between Sunday and Thursday I her, and never for a moment did 1 wrestled with that old element time. doubt. Wonderful people those AAs. I doubt that Einstein i s a drinking –I). Y., L o s Angeles, California

September 1950 when a woman sobers up she is apt to have greater remorse for sbme of the -episodes that may have accompanied her excessive drinking. The A A Program teaches us that it is good insurance for our continued sobriety to take ”a searching and tearless moral inventory” and wherever possible to make “amends” to those individuals we have harmed by our conduct under the influence of John Barleycorn. It does not encourage us to continue to dwell on a possibly regrettable past. N a conversation recently The ladies, it seems, do not I with one of the women members of A A who is called upon to like to have it implied that they were fallen angels by being told do a lot of speaking at various they are incredibly noble. Possibly metropolitan and suburban groups, they may even feel there is the a protest was voiced at the build- trace of a suggestion that at long up that the male leader of a meet- last they have exchanged a single ing i s apt to give a female speaker. scarlet letter A for a double A of This lady’s objection seems to be absolute purity. Be can hardly well founded. Since most of the blame them for being annoyed! men accept the women in A A on an In any event, all a woman speakabsolutely equal basis as to their er at any A A meeting is trying to need for the Program and their accomplish is to help carry the right to belong to the fellowship, message to other alcoholics (eswhy should we men characterize pecially thoseof her own sex) that them a s especially noble characters a 12e of sobriety and peace of mind in admitting their problem to the is possible in living the A A Progroup, or to the world at large for gram to the best of one’s ability. that matter. It would appear that For all leaders, therefore, it might i n so doing we only cause the be wise when introducing fellow girls unnecessary embarrassment. alcoholics of either sex to do so Granted that a woman in her a s simply a s possible, making no cups may not be an attractive reference to their nobility in doing representative of her sex, neither, a job that is supposed to be, in the for that matter, is a man of his. first instance, helpful to them. However, it is possibly true that –A.T., New York City, N.Y.

October 1950

her pulled face into a sernhlance shufled her way into the livingroom of polite welcome. The result was My friend and 1 hurriedly took . a leering smirk. She executed a the profiered drinks before they backward step and bow that invi- slid off the tray onto our laps. A s ted u s to enter and almost proved soon a s Susie’s back was turned disastrous to her. we set them aside. I was sure her We were no sooner seated than feelings wouldn’t be hurt and the Miss Susie suggested a little glass untouched drinks woulnd’t remain of wine. I am not allergic to alco- that way very long after we left. hol but a member of my family i s And leave we did a s soon as posand I attend AA open meetings reg- sible. Fortunately, Susie seemed ularly. Also, I have never been to have forgotten the invitation, able to see any percentage in the considering our visit purely a D o You Know Miss Susie? use of intoxicants. My friend and social one. My friend’s reaction was to I both declined the offered drink but apparently Susie didn’t recog- henceforth avoid Miss Susie. TO nize the word “No” for she wob- me, Susie’s condition and the matbled off kitchenward. ter of the extra drink in the kit- From where I sat 1 could follow chen made it all to clear that now I NVITED by a close friend to be one of her two guests at a club entertainment, I was pleased mussy; suits wrinkled. Her hair, ‘ which, when I first knew her was her uncertain progress about the kitchen. First, she lined up three more than ever, she needed a friend. I reproached myself for always carefully combed, now often to learn that she had also asked was unkempt. These changes in wine goblets. From a place of the many times I had passed M i s s Miss Susie S—. Miss Susie I attributed to her liv- concealment she produced a bot- Susie by with only a nod when Miss Susie is a bachelor girl ing alone all these years. tle of wine. With studied dexterity I could have walked with her. nearing the mid-afternoon of life My friend and 1 had frequently and precision she filled the glass- The good intentions I’d had, but and I had oftell wonde!ed about the discussed Miss Susie — her ap- es. Recognizing the unwisdom of trying to carry three glasses at didn’t carry out, to call on her; to invite her to my home. 1 hope solitary existence she lived. She parent lack of companions and was always alone when we passed withdrawal from all social life. one time, she found a small tray that Miss Susie will let me be her on our way to and from our office Consequently, when she accepted and placed them on it. She looked friend; that she will acc.ept the jobs. I had noted Miss Susie’s face the invitation, I hoped that this at the tray, then, with a sly smile, help of AA and thereby find comgrowing more and more set in a might be the opportunity to get her she quickly liftedone of the glass- panionship and real happiness t *prunes and prisms” expression. through sobriety. out of her “shell” and into a more e s and drained it. Reaching for the She walked with exaggerated care, normal way of living. bottle she refilled the glass and –:Muriel, Olympia, Washington taking each step just so. She seem- Arrived at hliss Susie’s it was ed anxious to give an impression necessary to ring long and loud of extreme propriety. before the d o a was opened. Then There was also another change it took a moment or two for us to in Miss Susie. Her former neatness recover from shock. Miss Susie was giving way to a careless man- was woozy! She stood before us ner of dress, Blouses wilted and trying to draw the lax muscles of

October 1 9 5 0

futilely I would someday drink like a so-called lady a s I had done many years ago. Finally one night I reached the point when totally defeated and remorseful I called for help from the local AA group. Who should come to my aid but the same fellow who tried to steal Miracle the wine that day three years before. He was cleanly shaven, well dressed and possessed a shining inner glow. He was most kind, sympathetic and understanding. He explained AA and how it would work for me a s it had for him and thou- The Wine sands of others. That night he planted a seed of AA in me and it grew and grew a s I attended each meeting. I am now starting on my second year of an entirely new way of life, contentedly sober. I

F OUR and one half years ago a s I was cashiering in a super understand and am resigned to the fact that I still am analcoholic but market I glanced over my register a dry one with all the peace of and saw a dishevelled, unshaven, mind, self respect, (which I had ragged individual slip a bottle of lost) joy and happiness which wine from the shelf into his tat- comes with following and practistered black overcoat. Feeling a ing the Twelve Steps to the best good deal of pity for the poor al- of my ability most assuredly, it coholic bum, I politely stopped him has waked for me and will work a s he tried to leave the store and for any alcoholic who has a sinasked him to either pay for the cere desire to stop drinking. wine or leave it on the counter. A new way of life was shown to He left it on the counter. I, myself me by a former “old alcohoiic bum” at that time was drinking heavily who had also found solace in Alalmost nightly but still able to coholics Anonymous. He i s still work, never believing myself an on the Program and I call him “my alcoholic. angel.” One human being can be Three more years of drinking and down, come up and help a fellow on a straight downhill slide, try- human being do likewise. ing to battle alcohol and hoping — Iielene, Astoria, Oregon

March 1951

though, and s h e watched how e a s y T h e game worked out, all right.

CASE IllSTUllY it seemed. She watched how really witty h e got, how gallant and, oh, just sort of comfortable t o be with. T h e next time out s h e tried, her- She picked the man. T h e engagement w a s short and a delightful whirl of parties and gay times and enough tender times, too, and self. Nothing much happened, there everything exciting. T h e office of Someone You Know wasn’t very much t o even make her feel different t o herself. And a l l send-off party w a s a pip, and if s h e got a little too high, it was t h e crowd did it, anyhow. At t h e . emotion working out.. it w a s the graduation d a n c e s h e had a lot, good s a d n e s s of saying goodbyes, b e c a u s e everyone did, and it w a s and showing even the office peoa very s p e c i a l occasion, and some- ple she’d never liked that s h e w a s thing pretty important t o remember. a regular sort, and after all it ROE, JANE It w a s no trouble a t all. might b e the l a s t time she’d ever Then there w a s a job, and older have with t h e s e clock punchers. friends, and growing up from a There wasn’t any particular law Female. Rlonde, blue eyes. About 34, school girl i n t o a b u s i n e s s woman, against t h e bride-to-be having more could pass 25-bOt 5’81t, weif:ht and c o c k t a i l s after work with the than qnyone e l s e a t the showers 140 (estimated) gang from t h e office. She didn’t or the’bridal parties that filled up need t h e c o c k t a i l s for excitement, t h e next two weeks. She w a s the Background: Small town, Fastern and swank. s h e thought, for everything w a s s t a r of t h i s show, and the s t a r w a s Iducated in private school, finishing with exciting now. Buying her own expected t o give a good show. h i ph school conrnercial course. clothes, s a v i n g her own money, There’d b e plenty of hum-drum time setting her own hours, going her for settling down. T h e big dry

. Lives with parents. hlanaeer hployed a8 Office own way a lot. D a t e s were a bit different now. Men, not boys, and the game of s p e l l would come naturally with learning t o order meat, and putting up curtains, and sending h i s s u i t s measuring them u p a s possible t o be pressed a t the right times. fiances, possible life partners. Right now, and until some yague Dates were mostly after-office time after the wedding trip, w a s cocktail s e s s i o n s where everyone her time … big time. s a t of paired off, and cocktail A strange thing happened a t the \ She w a s a nice child, a happy child, and almost no trouble a t seem t o pay much attention t o her. Not for a long while. time ran into dinner time, and din- .. very l a s t party .the l a s t big one all. She remembers that s h e w a s a Senior year s h e w a s getting alony ner time ran into going somewhere before the wedding. It w a s a wonquiet child, but not shy until the pretty well. Good marks, some g6od t o hear music and have a drink. derful party, and s h e had thought transfer t o public high school. friends by now, and pretty soon Or just going somewhere and hav- u p the most wonderful response Here, s h e w a s frightened just a some good times. Little parties and ing drinks.She decided you played for the inevitable toast that would t h e game by drinking along with open t h e supper part of the evelittle of t h e other girls. They seem- . e d s o s u r e of themselves.. s h e little d a n c e s , and then double d a t e s , and then dates. ?ler second your date. Equal rights for women. . ning.. and s h e w a s dancing with imagined they resented something s o l o d a t e the boy offered her a Anything you c a n do, I c a n d o bet- one of the old, old friendsof the about her. T h e boys just didn’t drink which w a s silly. He drank, ter. Who s a i d the weaker s e x ? the family. And then it wasn’t a

party a t all. It wasn’t evening a t wasn’t time for dinner usually, anyone to a s k about it until he train, s h e could come back home all. It w a s morning, and it w a s her and everyone e l s e had gone their came home in the evening. She and have a pretty interesting day. room, and it w a s a headache, and own way, and not eating dinner Housework could b e done ever s o wouldn’t a s k him about yesterday, a curious dried-out feeling, and it would h e l p her keep some weight much more efficiently if you just anyhow, s h e decided. w a s t h e three bridesmaids trooping off, and s h e could just go home relaxed for a while first. A drink One morninfi w a s different. There inand shoutingwasn’t s h e the one, and have a few while s h e wrote settled the day down to where you didn’t seem to have been .lny day and everybody, just everybody i s her daily letter. could g e t hold of it, and you could before t h i s morning. It was just a waiting for breakfast, and w a s s h e She quit the job a full month s p a c e the household chores out detached, separate mornins from ever funny when s h e made her before he came home from the Pa- quite nicely. By noon, most of the a l l the others. It w a s a party mornspeech. cific. . She had discovered that breakfast d i s h e s and the ones he inq. A strange, special party day All that busy and bothered re- most of the o&ce crowd were ac- had used for dinner t h e night be- that started with her right in bed. hearsal day s h e wanted t o a s k tually pretty stupid, and practically fore could be washed in e a s y s t a – Not her own bed, even. A high someone, by afternoon even any- a l l of them were busy with other ges. She’d heard some frightened, white bed, and new party people one, just what had happened and people now, and s h e realized the frantic man in a bar once lift his s h e had never s e e n before in her why didn’t s h e remember it. Rut cocktail lounge where they went g l a s s and shout “Easy d o e s it!” life. They a l l looked like nurses s h e supposed wedding nerves c a n w a s really pretty shabby, and s h e Well, e a s y could d o t h e whole d a y and thin4s. And then they didn’t d o that t o a girl. might a s well break off from that if you just relaxed and had a drink look like nurses. They just looked There wasn’t anything strange crowd before he came back. She now and then t o sort of maintain like utter strangers in white, and I again for nearly nine years. hurried from the office t h o s e l a s t the status qw. S h e made a game then s h e couldn’t s e e them for a ! T h e early married y e a r s were few weeks t o a little place she’d of lunchtime. She’d make some while, and then s h e couldn’t regood years, and happy ones. T h e found where just no one knew her c u t e little c a n a p e s just for her- member, and s h e didn’t care who parties weren’t much different ex- or cared. And then she’d go home, self, and some cocktails, and just they were, and s h e supposed you c e p t that you weren’t playing t h e and suddenly it w a s too late t o have a private little party. It w a s could wake up and even forget t o game any more. You knew who you write a letter, and b e s i d e s it seemed try t o remember. very orderly and very alone and had chosen, and t h e crowd w a s a silly with him t h i s near home now. She woke up three different very pleasant. swell crowd, and being a n old mar- Things didn’t g o right when he times in two different hospitals And then it w a s morning again, ried woman w a s swell, and a n oc- did come home. Somehow, he had that way. T h e s e times s h e didn’t and i t w a s her room, and it wasn’t casional h e c t i c evening w a s part changed. Everyone s h e knew had wake u p thinking it w a s a strange her own s p e c i a l lunchtime a t a l l , of being in t h e smart crowd, and of showing you hadn’t l e t go, and changed. Having a war over seemed t o do that — it changed everyand quite often – most often he party of some sort. Sooner or later had taken the c a r and gone and s o itwould b e n u r s e s f a c e s again and that you were s t i l l a pretty regular thing, and everybody except her- bedpans and needles and whirring, there wasn’t any breakfast t o get, young matron. self had changed. They had all had high-pitched explosions in her and there didn’t s e e m t o b e h i s T h e three years her husband w a s babies, and now they played bridge, head, and nurses again. And it dinner d i s h e s t o do, and there w a s away a t war, s h e went back to the and hardly served a drink when would be her husband helping her a whole pleasant d a y t o just take old office. Some of the people s h e you called. They were a pretty t o the same old out-dated car, and e a s y like. And by t h e time s h e had used t o like seemed pretty s t u q , damned s e l f i s h bunch, and if they the long silent ride home again. gotten a little l e s s nervous and and some of the o n e s s h e never wanted t o b e a clique s h e could And there would be dad helping gotten downstairs a l l right and used t o like seemed pretty regular. get along without them very well. her take her coat ofi and just s i made t h e c o c k t a i l s for her little T h e cocktail hour after work seem- She knew something most of them lently patting her shoulder, and s e c r e t party s h e could try t o ree d e v e n better than it used t o be. didn’t know, anyhow. After breakmember where t h e d a y before had mother leading her up t o the old It w a s a longer hour, and there f a s t and driving t o t h e commuter gone. There wasn’t, thank heaven, battleground of a bedroom, and after

the sedative capsule, mother just .. .Easy does it. And it was prncsitting and then tiptoeing out, and tically the first thing the girl said c l o s i n ~the door. And each time when she came back that afternoon she tried tostay awake to decipher and began talking again. the hushed words from the family And at the first AA meeting they conference downstairs. went to together, those same words The fourth time was different, had gotten there ahead of them. not at the hospital, but after she For the first person who got up to got home. A girl she hadn’t seen talk said them again.. “Good . .. in years .not since the old first evening, friends. Easy does it. .” . office days.. was there, right in She told us at last night’s meether own living room. The girl came ing that that was nearly 15 months upstairs with mother, and then ago, and easy i s still doing it. stayed when mother went downstairs. The girl began to talk.. .. If AA or anyone kept case rec- After the girl left she could only ords, the last entry in her c a s e remember one thing.. .the girl had file a s of today would look somesaid again and again that old thing thing like this:

Female, Blonde, clear eyes, Fifteen months dry, could pass f o r several years dry. Eating regularly. W l i n g speaker. IIas husband’s f o r 12th Step c a l l s . Croup Secretary. No s l i p s , No ‘

trouble at a l l .

July 1 9 5 1

GGHe knew what I was going through”

a lone member in Virginia City, placed in my hands.

RASE HISTORY and the only sponsor I had w a s God. In my l a s t desperate attempt to rebuild a worthless life and a s I started to read it with little hope. When I had finished, I was actually stunned, and I was afraid. a final gesture t o lift myself out of 1 realized for the first time that I was an alcoholic. Oh, I had called M Y home i s in Virginia City; and I am a n alcoholic. I dislike that word “alcoholic” – 1 have received through AA, I am not drinking. I have been on the Program successfully so far for the depths of hell and despair, I had decided t o take the cure. It seems miraculous t o me that immyself a “no-good drunk” in moments of remorse and self-condemwould rather s a y “I used t o b e a nine months. mediately after makin8 that de- nation, but I never admitted really drunkard,” and now by t h e grace I virtually received my AA by cision, someone’s prayer was an- that I w a s a drunkard. God h a s given me and t h e h e l p I correspondence,^^ to speak.1 w a s swered and a little booklet w a s My n i e c e s and nephews referred

t o me a s their drunken aunt. Mo- t o take a social drink without going drunkard. You know, all that old and a slave of alcohol. ther was directing a pageant a berserk. third generation stuff! During those Well, I left myself in the gravecouple of years ago pertaining to the history ofVirginiacity and the I used to say to Mother, “Believe me, I don’t want to get drunk, times that I thought I was surely . yard, s o I’d better get myself out. going to die, I took comfort from My meditations were interrupted talk came around t o Bill Fair- Mother; I don’t know what’s the the fact that I was like my Grand- by voices and I looked up to see weather. matter with me, but when I get one father, because he lived t o be 83 members of my family approaching If you happen to know any Mon- drink, I can’t seem to get enough tana history, the name of Bill Fair- of it and I just go crazy it’s a n and pneumonia killed him, not whisky, even though he did take me cautiously. They were unus- ua lly nice to me didn’t reproach me in any way nor did they ask . weather i s a familiar one in that insatiable thirst I can’t control.” the cure three times. he was the one who discovered S o that part of my sickness was I recall once in the summertime what I was doing there a t that hour gold in Alder Gulch. In the course explained to me and I was able to of 1949 when I staggerd up the of the morning. I expect they didn’t of the convers+tion, it was men- lift my head a little higher, and to hill to the graveyard one morning know what moment I might get viotioned that he used t o get drunk hope for the first time in my life. about 4:30. It was just breaking lent and weren’t taking any chanand ride up and down the streets I s a t right down and wrote to AA day. I s a t down on Grandpa’s grave ces, s o I let them lead me docileof Virginia City on h i s horse throw- Headquarters in New York begging and leaned up against his tomb- ly homeward. Guess that’s a c a s e ing gold nuggets to the people and them for help, telling them I was stone and dragged out a pint. I’d of the blind leading the blind. They that subsequently he died a drunk- desperate and I was afraid and s o take a drink and then I’d dump out couldn’t s e e what made m e tick, ard’s death at the age of 38. alone with nobody to help me. One a IittJe on thegrave. In my morbid- and I just couldn’t see. My niece looked very knowingly of the secretaries started writing at me and holding up three fingers said, “Three more years.” I was . t o me. .encouraging me,. .and sent me the Big Book. That’s how ness’and insanity, I received some measure of comfort because I knew The last five years of my drunk- enness were the black years the he knew what I was going through. desperate years. I rarely was aim- 35 a t the time. I got my AA by correspondence. As a child, I had always been very pletely sober. I was afraid to get Anyway, I knew I couldn’t han- I read the B i g Book and thought I close to him. It was quiet there sober because when I’d go three dle alcohol in any form, but I did- was the author of it. I saw a whole and peaceful and I wondered about days without a drink, I’d get the n’t know why, and I consistently new vista open up for me. I found many things: the why and where- shaking D.T.’s. Only when I had kept trying. On reading that little booklet, 1 could no longer deny t o out what ‘was the matter with my prayers. I have always been religfores of life. Who am I? What am I? a broken bone leg, arm, nose or Whither am I going: where will I ribs, or had blood poisoning from myself the fact that I was an alco- ious and have had a good religious end? Why, oh, why, has this h a p burns did I sober up because I w a s holic. I admitted it to myself, and background but I found out how forced to do s o in the hospital. pened t o me? The unanswerable frightened though I was, it was a futile my prayers were after I read During those years I had 15 black questions! Immersed in self-pity, great relief to be honest with my- the book. I used to get on my knees I asked God why couldn’t I have a eyes besides an occasional car self for the first time in my life. The fact that I learned that alcoand cry and beg and plead and cajole God; I used to try to bargain . normal life like my friends. a home wreck thrown in for good. measure.

– and children. I had never deliber- I was continually having stitches holism was a definite disease with him a s k him t o give me ul- ately harmed anyone and had al- taken some place or another mostthat I was a sick person did cers, make me sick, anything to ways tried t o be charitable and yet ly my head; the result being that much for me. It brought back a lit- remove the curse of drunkenness I have a quilted scalp. I got all the tough breaks. I had t l e of the self-respect I had lost from me. And curse I thought it lost two children. I had divorced I think one of the most humiliaand I thought, “Mary, maybe there was. It was an accepted fact in one alcoholic only to turn around ting and ignominious experiences is some good in you -maybe there the family that it was congenital, and marry another one, and after I ever had was brought on by the i s hope for you.” It explained s o that I had inherited it from my eight years, he divorced me. The death of a friend who drank himvery well to me why I was not able Grandfather because he was a grounds? Becoming addicted to self to death. During the last con- I I

vulsions in D.T.’s, he chewed h i s that dogged me during those years tongue t o pieces. I thought i t w a s when 1 w a s immersed in the blacks u c h a horrible way to d i e a n d it n e s s of a c t i v e alcoholism, I will upset me, s o instead of vowing not g o into t h e heartaches. never t o drink again, I went uptown S o when you think that no one and got drunk. I left the basement c a r e s , know and believe that there bar in which I w a s drinking and i s someone who cares. That’s went up t o t h e r e s t room in the something A A taught me to talkhotel lobby. It w a s used b y both to God – not t o b e g nor t o plead men and women. I bolted the door – – t o open my heart to him and t o and p a s s e d out in there. qualify a n y prayer 1 s a i d with No one could g e t in and there “Thy will b e done, Lord, not mine.” w a s no a n s w e r from me. There w a s A A gave me t h e lift I needed t o a good-sized c r a c k under the door h e l p myself. T h e Program i s sound and people got down and looked – psychologically sound. It i s under there and poked me with a logical; it i s common ordinary broom, s o they tell me, but I dis- horse s e n s e . When I found out I played no s i g n of life. Anyway, i t w a s s i c k , I decided to try and get c a u s e d a large commotion and peo- well. Any fool with a lick of horse ple gathered from near and far. Be- s e n s e ought t o know enough to s i d e s o n e drunk had just died and leave t h e stuff a l o n e that he knows they thought they had another one i s going t o kill him. S o when we o n their hands, so they had t o merge logic with a n utter submist a k e t h e door off t h e hinges to s i o n of our will to God, we have a get me out. That’s a fine way t o combination that t o me i s literally live, i s i t not? one of t h e wonders of the world, Another time I w a s attending a namely: t h e restoration of life; a party and I w a s so limber drunk re-birth; and t h e knowledge that we that my upper p l a t e fell out of my have a soul. mouth onto t h e floor. I ttied t o get it back in without being too ob- T h a t is what AA h a s done fot vious but for some reason I had me, and with t h e grace God h a s difficulty getting it back in my given me, and will continue t o give mouth. My girl friend, who w a s me, I s h a l l walk no more in the drunk, too, thinking to a s s i s t me, shadow. Through God, my life i s hollered: “They’re u p s i d e down, filled with high purpose; through they’re upside down.” And s o they God, my life knows order and harwere. One good thing s i n c e I’ve mony and peace; and through God, sobered up, my dental bill h a s not I am victorious over a l l difficulbeen quite s o high. ties. – Anonymous, Virginia City, T h o s e a r e just minor happenings Montana

July 1 9 5 1

1 began to read AA literature. When I HAVE spent a lot of time thinking about the wives of my husband came home from the meetings I wanted to know what alcoholics. I wonder if anyone else had the trouble I had. they talked about. I was searching Some of us did a lot of drinking for something that would bring me along with our husbands. We drank out of my confusion. I spent nine for various reasons. Maybe at the miserable months – dry but far from sober. My husband was sober beginning we thought by drinking and seemed to be happy about it. ourselves we could break them of I wanted that something that I saw the habit. Or perhaps we just plain onthe faces of the sober alcoholics, didn’t want to be left out of things to sit home alone. In my case after I had to wind up on a drunk to ever I took the first drink I was sure to get honest with myself. get looped. I know now I was an Since I have become honest and alcoholic from the start. However joined AA, I have found a way of due to the fact I didn’t go on pro- life that gives me a certain peace longed drunks I wouldn’t make of mind and happiness that I never that admission. knew, even before I ever drank. When my husband made his first Girls if you are having that probcontact with AA in 1948, 1 was lem try to face yourself honestly. very happy. I thought it was a After all it’s not s o bad to be an wonderful thing for him. I joined alcoholic. I feel like I once heard a girl say that if it took That to the Auxiliary and determined I would stay sober with their help bring This then thankGod for That. and my own will power. — .Vitch, Ft. Worth, Texas I was disappointed. They didn’t talk about the things I needed to hear. And why should they? They were not alcoholics. They just didn’t talk my language. I knew something was wrong – with me.

August 1 9 5 1

A so-called old-timer has a very have turned our will and our lives deep responsibility to AA, not to over to the care of God, a s we unact, say or do those things which derstand him, we will be at war

OLD-TIMER? he knows is not good for his fel- with ourselves and those around low member’s welfare. Since through us, and we will miss that inner our sober actions we can prove to peace that all men who have been the one coming into our Fellowship able to be submissive to the will that we have risen above the mis- of God have found. ery, hopelessness, and bad repute, Only now am I beginning to unand that we have started on the derstand what an old-timer really

you can’t miss! road to recovery, through a spirit- is. A day to day living example of ual and revitalizing force that is one who is willing to let this greater than we are. Greater Power work through him, We must of necessity for our own and that this Program really works well being, live the life for the for anyone who wants this new others who may come to us for help. way of life, with no mental reser- We at long last do not wish to live vations. Then we become another any other kind of life than the good spike driven into the structure of life a s we have come to know it. AA a s a group of recovered alco- We have begun to rid ourselves of holics. 0UR length of sobriety means on1y one thing. Insurance, through trying to the best of our someone else to try our way of life. If there were no old-timers, where our old ideas, and have come more From the last drink I took six and more to depend upon the God years ago, I give a little time each or to whom would the new member idea for us, (and if you cannot at day to thereading of the book, prayability to practice the twelve prin- look or have a s a proof that this this time accept the God idea, let ing each morning for guidance for ciples a s suggested in the book Program works? There is no one in us call it the Good idea.) We have the day and not forgetting to thank Alcoholics Anonymous. this world who would deny the re- learned through trial and error that God for carrying me through another covered alcoholic one day of sober love i s the right way for all man- day of sober living. Another thing’ We can only stand by and live living. We have had to earn it and kind. I do is to remember that I am an the Program a s we understand it, it i s ours by right of the Power The old-timer has learned to s i t alcoholic, and that if I forget to and through the example of our day Greater than ourselves working in back and be teachable, for we be- live the principles suggested for to day sobriety, perhaps inspire and through us. gin to realize how much there i s my recovery, 1 will be right back to learn. We realize that we will where I started. never be able to fully grasp the I am aware that if I take a drink full extent of meaning contained today, it will be a short time when in our Twelve Steps, because we I am a s sick a s before I found AA are striving for spiritual progress, because my malady has been arrather than spiritual perfection. rested, but not cured. If I forget We begin to get a glimpse of un- the lessons learned in these past derstanding into the teachings of six years, and take that first drink all the great spiritual teachers who I have aroused the physical allergy have gone before, that until we that has been lying dormant all

these years. Those who have myself, that I have some insurance tried some research tell me they against that first drink, and there are worse than before joining are principles to live by which AA. It i s a progressive disease. shows me what I can and what I The meetings and the fellowship, cannot do. If I follow this daily, the new-found friends have created hourly if needs be, I will have in me a new mind and the obsession added another day of good living. has left to desire a drink. B u t this In closing the only thing that I has happened only because each can pass along t o you is this: day I have tried to live the life, If you continue your day to day faithfully following these precepts living the Program to the best of in the Book. your ability, you can’t miss being. So,being anold-timer means that an “Old-Timer.” I have learned some truths about — Mae, Mesa, Arizona

August 1 9 5 1

I WAS work the girl who loved her loved it, lived in it, drowned in it,did it too many hours I w a s a ball of fire on every job I ever had – while I lasted. I w a s a fiend for overtime; b o s s e s loved None of them ever saw t h e demons who sat on my shoulder and scream- There was, finally, what had to be the l a s t next time – the time ed a t me until I could no longer run when the demons came out of t h e a d a y and then took it home t o run me. Not one of them understood why away from them into work, and bottle bigger and more terrifying I around i n my head a t night. Dull I took off, under my own power, be- drowned them in a bottle. than they went into it, and I knew ! jobs I couldn’t bear I interviewed fore many months. They offered me Then, for awhile, I would be s o they couldn’t be drowned and it fascinating people about this-and- r a i s e s and wanted me back. None tired I couldn’t run, t h e demons w a s no good running any longer. that, I had a way with printers, I of them ever s a w inside my head at would hide i n their cave and go t o I w a s fresh out of a job when I could write headlines with a sting night, where type and paste-pots s l e e p for a little, and while they came t o AA, and I w a s fresh out of i n t h e t a i l and a double pun in and double-pun headlines went slept I wouldn’t need the bottle. money. I w a s too tired t o run. Eatt h e middle. round and round, faster and faster. Until t h e next time. ing, by some means or other, look-

ed important. I took a straight look was spectacular enough for me; but trying to be smarty-pants. I built a s I looked, to watch them take to at my trade the strenuous, I’m-a- they were cooperative. smart-girl trade which had been Typing and reading proof and up confidence in myself a s I learned to do a dull job well and to be their terrible black wings and fly away for keeps, one by one. helping to drive me to drink. talking to people, not all on the content in doing it. Evenings, with Slowly, in the hours left after What was a job, really? Not some- same job, but one at a time – it’s energy left over from work for the the jobs which were neither cgothing to take home at night. Not proved a good road back, for this first time in my life, I began to try building nor exhausting, and in the something to make a life from. Not alcoholic. Nothing much stands or some of the thingsI1d always want- days between jobs, I found that I something to build the ego on. Not falls by a temporary job, they come ed to do and been ashamed to ad- was learning to live a life with a something to Nn away into, until fairly easy, there’s no ego involved mit I didn’t know. I who had never lot of new facets. I was turning there was nothing left of me to run. and no hurt when they end, and the been able to sew a straight seam into a contented woman with a lot Just a way to eat and pay the rent dullest work in the world i s the took a course in dressmaking; I who of quiet, pleasant interests, and and a couple of bills, that was best way to practice living a day at who always thought I couldn’t use not a hardbitten gal with a career all a job was. a time. I, who never could stand my hands learned to knit, and which didn’t quite come off. I was But I was lucky. The work I routine, typed addresses for four loved it. learning to be a whole person, inknew entailed a lot of unexciting, months for a credit house. I who Sometimes there was a day or tegrated, all in one piece, and not nonego-building skills. A small- was above tinging doorbells rang two, or a week, between jobs. It just a tangle of screaming neuroses time editor has to type, and read them, doing market research, taking didn’t panic me and it didn’t hurt running away from each other. proof, and talk to people. Maybe if census. I who could handle only my new-found dignity. I had no After awhile the temporary jobs I did just one of them, not the whole sparkling copy read proof on ream face to lose, now I wasn’t trying sort of ran together.The one I have batch and a few dozen other things after whereas-studded monotonous to maintain face. Each uncharted now looks like lasting. It uses a besides, a little of me would be ream of legal notices. You don’t day I did everything I could to few of the old skills, but it isn’t left over to learn to live with my- buy mink coats that way, but you find the next job, and then if it smarty-pants. The boss likes me self, Maybe if I didn’t run so hard, pay the rent, and, five dollars here didn’t rear its head I took the free because I’m easy to get along with, I ‘ there wouldn’t be s o much to run and a couple of dollars there, you time a s a delightful gift, and used which AA ta~ghtme to be, not be- I from. whittle away at the bills. it accordingly, I made Twelfth-Step cause I put in overtime, which I Not drinking seemed to me then, For me it has been a good way telephone calls. I went to museums. don’t. a s it still does, even more impor- to approach the Fifthstep, a good I drank endless, leisurely coffee, I can still make double puns if tant than eating. I wanted to go to way to find out what I’m really with my sponsor. I walked in the I must, but only by daylight, They lots of meetings, and to think about like. All the years before, I’d been sunshine and windowshopped. don’t run around in my head at them. I needed to work, but I knew busy running. At first I was too night; I shut them away under the that I never again wanted to tackle confused to do much after work ex- ,I If the demons came out of their typewriter-cover and leave them at a job that took all of me. I said a cept go to meetings, and I was ter- caves, a s they still did occasion- the office. I’m a gal who likes her quick little whatdo-Ido prayer in rified of myself and of responsibil- ally, I had time to learn new, sober work reasonably well; but what’s a a telephone booth, and called the ity. The hours spent at an unim- ways of dealing with them. They job, really? Just a way to eat, and plwh employment agency which portant repetitive task were good didn’t scream a s loudly in my ear pay the rent, and whittle away at had sent me out with fanfare on for me; what I’d learned at meet- a s they once did; I began to learn the bills. the last of the bright-girl jobs. ings had time, through the unde- to run away from them into reading, Any kind bf work I could do, pGase manding days, to sink in; I found I or to talk, fast and endlessly, un- I’ll never have the price of a I said, a s long a s it was temporary. liked myself better, and was hap- til they were a s tired a s I was. I mink coat, and it doesn’t matter. They were stanled, having dealt pier with other people, now that I began to look them in the eye and I’d rather have this new self. with me when nothing they o&red wasn’t in competition with them to s e e where they came from, and, — M. C., Hollywood Calilomia

September 1951

(Excerpt from A.A. in Chicago)

WOMEN The first two Chicago A.A. women limited to working with women alone. Any working out plans for and supervision of were contacted in the summer of 1939, a such curtailment would virtually have hospitalization. few weeks after the book, Alcoholics deprived the first few women of sufficient There is another group of women Anonymous had been released. At that opportunities for Twelfth Step work. for whom Chicago feels deep gratitude. time there was no Chicago group. There These are the non-alcoholics – the wives, was only one man in the area, Earl T., Chicago has never segregated nor sweethearts, mothers, and sisters with who had effected his recovery through laid any emphasis one way or the other whom it has been blessed. From the very the Akron group and had been sober for on its women. The woman is accepted, first wife of the first member, Chicago two years at that time. A.A. was without simply, as another alcoholic, and it is taken for granted that her problems are A.A.s have received encouragement, a name and its total membership was less than 200. Women members were nearly identical with those of any other sympathy and intelligent cooperation member of the group. from this important quarter of the group. scarce. “Outside of A.A., women may Their faith in its success and their The two women were advised to encounter ignorance and a consequent willingness to give in loving service has go to Akron for a week or two of narrowness of view,” Chicago’s first added more of stability and serenity to indoctrination – to see the recovered woman A.A. commented. “However, this area than can ever be measured in alcoholics there in action and leam more within the understanding of her group words. about this plan of recovery. Both adopted associates in Chicago she has never The Chicago group has become the Program immediately and one still is been made to feel that her sex may known for its unity, for the absence of an active member of the Chicago group. handicap her recovery or place her one friction and for its smooth operation. There were six persons present at jot lower in the social scale or moral There is a climate of tranquility in this Chicago’s first official meeting in September of that year. While the group scale than her brother alcoholic.” large area that has existed from the started to grow slowly from this point, At the end of the first two years beginning. Those who have watched the women prospects remained scarce. The the Chicago women averaged only 5 per development and growth in his handful of women working in Chicago cent of the total membership. Today, ten midwestern center of A.A. feel strongly would have found the going difficult had years later, their ranks account for 14 per that a great part of this peaceful and not the men been wise enough to adopt cent of the total. These figures represent harmonious atmosphere is due to the an attitude of complete equality. From only those women actively participatingin very real fellowship existing among all the beginning, women in the group were group life. members of the group. The men and made to understand that sex hadnothing The staff of the Chicago central women alcoholics, together with the nonto do with alcoholism. service office is composed of four alcoholics, all seem to sense the equal The assumption was that a women, three of whom are active A.A.s. importance of their respective recovered woman had as much to offer Women also serve on the various contributions to the working whole. a sick prospect as did a recovered male committees governing the central alcoholic. Consequently, women were not services as well as the regional activities and have contributed materially in

October 1951

begun teaching, discovered that from some tangible, outside source.

Knowledge alcohol was the wonder drug to end I awaited its deliverance on a silall wonder drugs. It paralyzed all ver platter. fears, guilts, inhibitions, unselfish Eventually, I disassociated my- motives and shining hopes. From self from the group determined, then on in, with a mild success for with that irondetermination char- I Application several years in nightly, secret, acteristic to alcoholics, to make lonely imbibing, it was every man my life over to suit myself and acfor himself and me for me in the cording to what others seemed to

Freedom, whirlpool of self-ruination. I man- expect of me. Superficially it apaged to gradually alienate myself peared to work for awhile. I refrom all souls including the great sumed teaching, stayed dry and beone of God. haved, as nearly as I was capable Why repeat the :familiar pattern of judging, like an average, mature of horror, illness – feigned and woman. The trouble was, no change real; realization of the stinking, had taken place on the inside. The clinging trap I had gone down into; old resentments, fears, guilts were and the final, desperate, futile ef- still deeply imbedded and now there forts to escape it? They are famil- was no escaping them if I stuck iar to us all. I am no difkrent. Per- to my determination to remain dry. haps I am a little worse in some How incredibly stupid it all seems ways than others but my behavior now. Symptoms cropped up; a contook the same trends. My compel- tinual battle raged against the reling demand for alcohol took shape turn to the bottle. Dry drunks tore in all sorts of antics and all kinds at the nervous system and finally of drink. I awoke to the dreadful knowledge Somehow or other, I was just that the old rat race was going to barely spared the loss of my hus- begin again. All that I had built up band and children and in the spring by sheer perseverance was not goof 1948 I agreed to try a sanitarium. ing to halt it. There was nothing This provei to be a brief, frustrat- else for it. Peculiarly (now I at- FOR the sake of clarity in classification and qualification: I trol and ordinary will power are not the answers to the “imaginaryw ing recourse. Hopefully, I tried AA. tribute it to the grace and consid- It did not “work” because the ges- eration of my Higher Power) I wanam o m of the admitted minority a femme alcoholic; a teacher and disease of alcoholism. I am the mother of three sons a fact which ture was just that – a gesture to dered into a book store and came rehabilitate a remarkably fouled-up across a book specifically, Louis happy member of an AA group in never deterred the vicious, insid- life. I listened politely to what Paul’s, Breakdown – and therein Virginia, ious, progressive course of alco- was said at the meetings. I read found myself and my solution. – I am the wife of a non-alcoholic a marvelously secure, well balanced, intelligent human be ing who holism with me. Social drinking was not the source of my particular problem. I quite simply, one day over what literature I thought would Since the solution was involved, in interest me and applied none of any AA, I made a dash once more for of it to myself. Subconsciously, AA; this time knowing that the has never understood why self-con- after I had completed college and I suppose, I awaited the miracle whole thingapplied to me if I cared

to make the application. The effect near me – are equally amazing. was immediate and startling. I wish I had not wasted the years I honestly, trustingly and with of life God gave me to use for him. great humility made the search – Nonetheless, with this a s a result, within my own soul – for my High- I cannot but be glad. er Power and beseeched Him Being the hair-trigger action throu~hprayer to release me from character that I am, I am afraid my spiritual, mental and physical that I did expect the metamorphosis need for alcohol. The obsession of self to occur of itself immediwas lifted and removed almost a s ately following my spiritual u p if by a physical force. I have no lifting and release. After a year, words to evoke belief, for I only I am learning now that actually, know it did happen to me. That “The truth shall make ye free” miracle was granted me over a year never “The truth has made ye free.” ago. Since then, through the will- There is much more than mere ing application of the Twelve Steps drunkenness from which to be made to my life, day by day, I have been free; and with the help of God, as appalled and amazed to watch my I know him, the continued use of inner self become someone I never the Twelve Steps in my own life knew could exist within the likes and service to and for others perof me. The engulfing effects upon haps one day, “The truth shall all channels of my own life and make me free.” upon those who must live with and — E.P.B., Front Royal, Virginia

October 1951

CASE HISTORY A came YEAR ago this June, my son not in accordance with my plan for home from College and fore enlisting- the government, He let me talk and then he talkhim. I began to figure how I could itself, wished him to finish his ed. He said I was prostituting myjoined the Army. When he told me what he had done, I blew my top. undo the thing that he had done. I used up my whole bag of tricks- formal education first he was to self to his drunken father for the His enlistment at that time was be an officer, and not a foot- sake of that formal education, and he should have consulted me be- soldier. in s o doifig, I had become a dtunk-

ard myself. He said he could ac- and I stayed that way for 11 days.. Later, how long I do not know, line, felt that she had given us complish nothing in school, know- When the first bottle was gone and how, I will never know, I man- everything that it was possible to ing what my life had become. He I knew I could not negotiate the aged to find and dial the number give when she married my father said he could no longer face com- stairs to go out and buy another. I for Alcoholics Anonymous, The and begot his daughters. She said, ing home to play the pan I assign- stayed in and ordered it, and then voice that answered said that “None of our family ever did or ed him in the comedy-tragedy I had I ordered another and still another. someone would come and see me thought anything like that and you set up for the three of us. When I began havingdifiiculty mak- that night. I said that would be roo must not. Nice people just don’t He said, “It’s just no good. I ing out a check, I concentrated for late. I must have told the voice do so.” appreciate everything that you have hours, in sweat and in tears, using that I was deaf and would leave My father was a tyrant: clever, . done for me, but I will no longer up almost all my check book before the door oT: latch, for that was all charming, irascible and impatient, take any money gotten in this man- I was able to write one that would I remember until Chet walked in. a thoroughgoing despot. His word ner. I will never come home again stand a chance of clearing my bank. My world had become completely was law, not because of thought or 1 while you are living this way with I made it for a large amount and I grey and it was difficult for me to wisdom or justice on his part, but ‘ him. You will not let me help you. gave it to my liquor dealer with the make out more than his outline, because he was the master of his You will never change Dad and I order to bring me a fifth each morn- I was miserably ashamed to have house. He said, It cannot stand by and see you de- ing and to leave it on my door-step. anyone see me in the terrible con- Do as I tell you to do. I am stroy yourself.” He asked no questions and complied dition I had permitted myself to your father!” He meant everything he said and I reviewed my entire life, telling get into. My sister came along rather late he had every right to say it. I rec- it to myself outloud, over and over He drew up a chair before the in their marriage and to compensate ognized the justice of his decision, again a s I walked and walked and couch on which I was sitting and for the shock and surprise of havyet I cried out, walked, always to and from the kit- sat down. He asked me if I con- ing her, they saw in her everything *I I am old, I am deaf will I do?” and he answered, – What chen where the bottle stood. I sidered myself an honest person. doting parents can find of themselves in their child. She was, and could not sit or lie down for long. I said, I thought I did. He took “I don’t know, Mother.” All the things I had done wrong out a phamplet, and folding over she is even now a paragon. All that was left of the fine and were there to plague me the mo- the top, handed it to me. It was a The picture was perfect until 1 good in me would go with my son. ment I was inactive, s o I walked list of questions. He asked me to walked in and threw it off balance. I was upagainst the insurmountable and talked and from time to time read them to him and to answer My sister, quite naturally, hated barrier at last. I thought -I thought fell upon any of the beds that was them truthfully. I did a s he asked. me on sight. For a while I demanddeeply and searchingly, and then handy to me, or on the floor where – The answers were yes, yes, yes ed and got all the attention. She I called a family conference and ever 1 happened to be. I remember – right on down the line. I never began to be not quite up to things. ‘ told my husband of my son’s de- some very hard falls and my sur- had any difficulty at all admitting Her health was thought to be delcision. I asked him to live apart prise that day had become night that I was an alcoholic. icate. It was she who needed my from me until I, at least, could get and night had become day, without I have heard some of you say mother’s and father’s full attrntion. myself in hand again. In sheer my being conscious of it. I kept that you were born alcoholics. I I was assigned the role of the cashock he agreed. crying aloud, questioning always, think I was also. Anyway, I was pable one. – Mother’s little girl One morning shortly afterward, “Oh God, what am I to do? What born into a family of Prima Donas; can comb her hair so nicely, Mo- I went with my son to the airport to can I do?” each of us four, equally charming ther must help sister – always see him off for his basic training. Then I cried out once s o loud and each of us equally determined stay near your big sister, she may On my way home I bought a bottle. that I frightened myself, t~God, you have to do something to run the show. faint and need you So it went, – I went home and drank to the ruin My mother, secure in her ances- and I was proud. I was the one of my life. I got shockingly drunk about it. I have to have help.” tors and the imponance of her they could depend upon.

I I loved my mother’s stories of wrong in failing to know that above to the States and found ourselves with me than to have to go out with ! her people. hfy father was some- all, I was then, always have been at a family reunion in the country. his friends?” what hazy abour my paternal back- and will continue to be, beloved My Northern cousins were shy of She didn’t answer my question ground, but he w a s the best story and protected, even against my- me and I hunted for Dad. I found and then I said, teller of all. Through him I learned self, by my Heavenly Father. Rut him in an old earth cellar with the 88 B I I! not make you the promise that I was N- — -, Mavourneen, being used to life under a tyrant, male relatives gathered around a you asked but I will make you anan Irish princess, the daughter of I immediately busied myself mak- keg, drinking cider from tin cups. other. Trust me, if there is to be Irish kings. It was a bit confusing ing my husband into one. His wish They were all s o jolly. I stayed a another drunkard in the family, it to be a missionary to the Indians was my law. I was his true help long time, leaning against my fa- will be me.” and to perform s o valorously, along his dear companion, h i s adoring ther’a knee, sipping occasionally At first hard liquor made me very side my mother’s people in both handmaiden. Our marriage never from his cup. It was a long time sick but I had many good teachers, the Revolutionary and Civil Wars, had a chance. My husband couldn’t also, before I understood why I all of them seasoned drinkers. I a s well. My sister was untouched and a t last would not even try to, came t o wake up from sleep in an never had to find out that I had to by all this glory of out past. She live up to what I expected of him. apple orchard, with the hogs root- have a drink the next morning. That was busy becoming a legend her- He went along with me until he ing me along with the fallen apples. lesson came right along with the self. reached the top in his profession. For a short time after my mar- rest. In order not to have to spend Dad was ill for a long time when He could not then broaden his po- riage, I thought that my husband’s my time lying on the bed with the I was four, s o he taught me to read sition.My son had every advantage many friends drank near-beer with wraps or retching out of the window and sent me t o school. Unfortunate- that it i s possible to give a child. insatiable enjoyment. They were of the car or in someone’s back ly, I was always able t o keep up I aes a n ambitious and understand ing wife – and intelligently affecall s o full of fun. They welcomed me s o cordially. When I learned garden, when everyone e l s e was with my classmates. Consequently having such a good time, I learned I was entered in college before I tionate, guiding mother, an excell- that the beer was home brewed I to take olive oil or swallow a goodwas sixteen. Being a n Irish prin- ent housekeeper and a pleasant could see no wrong in it. Then I sized chunk of butter before I startc e s s and my father’s daughter I hostess. The world was mine and met my mother-in-law. She got me ed in, not to mix my drinks, to was permitted no dates until I was I gloried in the possession of it. to herself and with reluctance and space them and to stand up with 18. So when I was 18 and a junior I did not know a t first that a pain told me that my husband’s the boys. I was their little darling in college, I was married. Dad spectre paced me always. When I father had been an habitual drunk- and they loved me. The friend who thought he could get me our of that did come to know that he did, I re- ard. I was frozen in horror, not initiated me into the drink over the by making me feel how badly I had fused t o recognize him. When I had knowing what a drunkard was. She kitchen sink, the morning after, let himdown by not finishing school. t o recognize him, I faced the fact said my husband had the same and who stood by with tomato juice I went back t o school, but I stayed that he had come t o stay. weakness. That, I could not be- laced with Lea and Perrin, followmarried. When I left home, he said, I had my first drink when I was lieve. My husband was s o gay and ing that up with black coffee, was 88 Remember that a woman i s no- six. My sister was ill and the doc- s o very clever. She asked me to the best teacher of all. thing in herself. She i s always un- tor ordered whisky. That did not promise her that I would never At first I had time fot recuperader some man’s banner. First her seem right. Mother said whisky take a drink with my husband and tion between parties, but a s we father’s, then her husband’s and was evil. I locked myself in the never t o permit him to have liquor grew socially the parties began to sometimes, t o her sorrow, her bathroom with the medicine cabinet around me. I laughed at her fears. overlap and then I was drinking lover’s.” and ran a research. I took a slug I kissed her and said, everyday. Everythingwas still well I heeded his warning. Papa was out of the bottle and I knew that “But I d o drink with him and we under control, I had servants and always right. Perhaps it i s better my mother knew what she was talk- have such fun. Don’t you think it our life read like a gay young novel. that I cannot tell him he was very ing about. When I was 11 we came i s better for him to drink ar home Then things began to change. My

husband was brutal and completely glad to s e e me and to come home I came home and fell on my hear.Somehow God found a way for unreliable a t times. I know that he at first. We didn’t go in for recrim- knees and prayed. I know I didn’t m e to have it and to enroll in the had begun t o experience black-outs. ination but I always started in use words. It was not a prayer a s University. He has sustained m e Naturally he could not tell me picking up the pieces and he just , we know it, but more an indefinite there throughout an entire school where he had been, what h e had didn’t want to go along. Before period of longing for and yearning year of intense application. done nor why he had not come long I would be drinking again. It toward the Power greater than my- I have just finished that work home. He would tell me that I ima- was dangerous for me to drink with self. I knew that I, alone, had no and it i s fitting that on the eve of gined the things I had seen him him. power to do anything, that my life my first birthday in AA, that I tell do. He denied any knowledge of W e had just started all over as I had dreamed it was in ruin, you all of the things that have haphow I came by black eyes and again when our son came home from but that I wouldnever have to work pened to me through Him, and bruises on my body. Saying that I school last June. That time w e with the pieces of it again. I knew through each of you. must have run into something or were mutually determined t o be- that God would help me find mahad a fall. Then the people I liked seemed have ourselves for his sake. The first night the child was home his terial within myself to build this time, and that he would show m e I amN—- . I am an alcoholic. I am a fairly serene person. My not to want t o come to our parties father left after we had gone to bed how t o d o it. It was all in his feet are solidly on the ground. I am and fewer and fewer of them asked and was gone three days. When he hands. I got up and put fresh linen overwhelmed and completely surus t o theirs. My husband said I did the same thing a second time on my bed. I slept deeply and rounded by love. I have found a was alienating his friends. He the boy enlisted and was subse- dreamlessly. comfortable place in my son’s would leave me in anger and come quently sent to Korea. I had my tools. I read and stud- heart with you my brothers. I know, home maudlin. Finally he spent the Chet came back the next day ied, ate and slept, prayed and put that it is the place God wishes night in jail. It was very plain t o after he had first called on me and my house in order. I learned of a me to be. me that we had to stop drinking. brought me my book. He said he new ear phone with which I could — N.K., Coral Gables, Florida I think .we could have made it to- would be by the following night at gether if we had known how. Per- eight t o take me t o a meeting. I haps even then my husband was finished what whisky I had in the tired of pretending to be what he house, read the whole book and was not and could never be. All was ready for him when he came I know i s that he would say, by. At that time I had beeneight- (a No one is going to tell me teen hours without a drink but I when and how t o drink. Just be- had managed some food. It was a cause you can’t take it, you nag hot night and the stairs were very me. I’m sick and tired of it and steep. Everyone was very kind. I of YOU.” was a shell from which everything I sent my son to preparatory had been drained. All I felt was an school. In the summer and during overwhelming relief that it was all holidays, 1 sailed and did whole- out in the open a t last, and that I some things with him. My husband was no longer alone. I s a t up front was disgusted and would leave for and managed t o make out something long periods of time. When the boy of what the speakers said by conwent back to school I would go centrating on their lips and their and get my husband. He was always facial expressions.

January 1 9 5 2

TINA’S ONLY COMPANION e e e LONELINESS INA doesn’t talk much, even T now, but she’s not lonesome and quickly pulled the stopper out of the bottle. anymore. That is, s h e isn’t a s The family gatherings hadn’t lonesome a s s h e used t o be. A been the same since Mom and P o p while back s h e found that there died three years before. Tina w a s were thousands in the world just lonesome. The sherry had put a like her. glow over the day but the heavy It was a fellow named Jim who meal had taken the edge off the changed things. Tina likes to think glow, The lonesome feeling had about that night. set in. It w a s Thanksgiving. She had been nipping sherry a l l day be- Her s i s t e r s talked about the tween turkey bastings. She had children. Tina nodded and smiled worked busily giving the table vaguely a s s h e thought of her nieces a festive air. F i r s t s h e smoothed and nephews, but they were s o far the damask cloth carefully over the away, s o distant. Tina was fond dining room table. Then s h e open- of her brother-in-law. He was s o ed Mother’s silver c h e s t which w a s sweet to her, but he wasn’t close, on the sideboard and started set- No one w a s close. T h e g o s s i p ting the places. There, before her, about her sister’s friends didn’t w a s some sheny.Tina took a swal- interest her. Her s i s t e r s and the low. She surveyed the gleaming visiting family were not for Tina. silver with pride. Next the d i s h e s Not any more. The sherry pint w a s . and glassware, Then s h e got the her companion and there wasn’t g l a s s e s from the china-closet and any more sherry. Tina had never on the way back t o the table s h e been in a bar in her life s o it never passed t h e sherry, She thought s h e occurred t o her to go seeking commight as well have another nip. panions of her own kind. Not there Carefully s h e set the g l a s s e s down anyway.

,, i

Recently s h e had been attending Then P o p got sick. Mom w a s next. day. It seemed t o drive the )one- Then s h e would c h a s t i s e her. Then meetings with a group of people Tina stopped working and stayed l i n e s s out. she’d treat her with what s h e hoped who used to drink a s much a s s h e home to keep house. Her s i s t e r Kate w a s probably w a s kindness and understanding. did. Now seemed the time t o g o t o Tina liked t o keep house. She the first t o notice that something n’ith every effort, s h e met with the a meeting. I t wasn’t the first time bustled around a l l day, kept the was wrong with Tina. The first inevitable end, Tina’s resentment. s h e had gone t o the meetings s o house gleaming and always had a sign, Kate h a s told Tina since, Finally, Tina tried t o hide away blurry that s h e couldn’t s e e or hear good dinner waiting for t h e girls. w a s when s h e came home one night from everyone. As soon after dinmuch of what was being said. No It w a s nice when they came home and found the vacuum cleaner and ner a s s h e could, or even before one would notice that s h e had had a t night. They’d s i t down before d u s t mop in the middle of the liv- the girls got home, she’d lock hera few drinks. T h a t Thanksgiving dinner and g o s s i p about the hap- ing room floor. self in her room. There s h e w a s night s h e slipped into a s e a t in the penings of t h e day. Sue a l w a y s ‘t It w a s just a s if you thought never alone. Loneliness w a s al- . back row of t h e meeting hall. After made Tom Collins. T h i n g s were ‘To hell with it, what’s the use!”‘ ways on hand to greet her. t h e meeting Jim came up t o her. nice and gay. Then Mom and Pop Tina doesn’t remember clearly One night, the girls held a fam- He took o n e look a t her and s a i d , died. Tina s t a y e d on a t home. what s h e thought except that s h e ily pow-wow. They decided that it “What’s the matter, Tina, too much S h e liked keeping house. Rut w a s lonely. She didn’t think that would b e a good idea if Tina went I turkey?” T h a t did it. T i n a h a s it figured out now that what Jim really did w a s walk up there didn’t s e e m t o be much u s e t o t h e effort. While the other girls anyone could possibly understand. Kate didn’t understand … t o work. Tina thought i t might be a good idea. She was s o lonesome. quite, neither did Sue or Peg. Working would help. She would were a t work Tina wandered around t o her and look p a s t her to the t h e b i g empty rooms. T h e rooms They a]] knew something w a s meet new people. She would g e t gaunt gray wraith s i t t i n g in t h e next seat. T h a t gaunt gray wraith w a s Loneliness. No matter how were lonely. There w a s a n e c h o to t h o s e rooms that hadn’t been there before. There wasn’t anyone t o a s k … wrong with T i n a and they wanted out and see things. t o h e l p her especially Kate. She went t o work. It w a s worse. From t h e time her s i s t e r s found She couldn’t face t h e girls a t the hard Tina tried s h e w a s always for “a g l a s s of water,dearU or “do out, i t seemed that Tina shrank ofice. How could they possibly with her. When Jim barged up and you know where I put my g l a s s e s ? ” farther and farther away from them. understand, if they found out what said, “Too much turkey?” Lone- No one t o s a y , “Hey, Tina, did T i n a knew s h e did too. When the was wrong with her. T h e y would l i n e s s knew, Tina f e e l s sure, that you read t h i s about t h e man who came home from work and find out, s h e knew they would. s h e might a s well scram. Jim did walked 50 miles -, or what pro- settled down for t h e evening, s h e How many of them had drunk huge two things for Tina by saying gram i s on t h e radio now, d e a r ? – would s i t with them in the big liv- quantities of sherry, s i p by s i p , t h o s e few words. He l e t her know Isn’t i t three o’clock?” There w a s ing room but s h e wasn’t “with” g l a s s by g l a s s , pint by pint until s h e wasn’t getting by with any- no one t o s a y “Whst’s for lunch?” them. She would wonder if there ;hey weren’t anything anymore. thing and h e offered her compan- or, “That souffle w a s good.” Some- w a s enough in t h e bottle upstairs The in the office seemed t o ionship. T h e companionship that times s h e c l o s e d her e y e s before to l a s t her through t h e night. belong together. They laughed a Jim offered T i n a w a s t o o potent opening a door, thinking maybe T h e more s h e drank during the lot. They laughed a t the o f i c e boy. for loneliness. T i n a likes t o think someone i s in that room waiting day, t h e more s h e seemed t o tight- They laughed a t a new h a i r d o . about that part o f it, too. Why o n for me; waiting t o talk to me; wait- e n t h e cocoon of loneliness that They laughed a t the boss’s jokes. e a r t h had s h e ever been s o lonely? ing for some breakfast; needing w a s strangling her.Of course, Tina They were cheerful and happy. S h e had three s i s t e r s , a l l a t pillows plumped up. Then s h e would think, i t isn’t really me, They knew e a c h other. home. But s i n c e Mom and P o p died, Everyone w a s nice t o Tina. But t h e big old house seemed t o have lost something. At first, while Mom would slowly open t h e door. No one w a s there. It w a s s o lonely. Then s h e got t o taking a g l a s s of .. . it’s just t h a t the girls don’t understand especially Kate. Kate went through – phases. they seemed t o know that T i n a F i r s t w a s talking t o loneliness. When and P o p lived, they a l l worked. sherry now and then during the s h e would ignore the tipsy Tina. .. the .- “-eirls went out t o lunch they

invited her to g o along. She would Oh God, not you too!, Tina move t o g e t her own drinks and try anything if it would only get go, her e a g e r n e s s to make friends wailed to herself, I don’t care if her out of t h i s trap. the nurse refused t o get any for her. hidden d e e p down inside. n u t they t h y don’t understand, t h e family, When s h e began to walk about T h e meeting w a s on a Friday didn’t understand. Maybe they the girls in the o f i c e , t h e people again, t h e s a m e old pattern set in. night and s u r e enough, Tina w a s would laugh, s h e thought. Maybe on t h e s t r e e t s , but p l e a s e don’t , T h e same cocoon. reasonably sober and went to the they would giggle a t her – Tina. l e a v e me. Oh God, am I that low? Kate had tried everything. Now meeting with Kate. She didn’t g e t And T i n a shrank farther and far- Have I sunk t h i s f a r ? T h e t e a r s s h e w a s reading everything that much out of that meeting except ther away. Way down inside of her- would s p i l l down her cheeks. God s h e could g e t her hands on that that a l l around h e r s h e s a w people self. Way down t o t h e sherry had d e s e r t e d her too. had t o d o with alcoholics, for that who seemed t o be enjoying themwarmth and c o z y numbness. She would leave the church and w a s what T i n a had become and selves. They actually looked happy! T h e job didn’t l a s t very long. on her way home would buy t h e Kate knew it. Tina s a y s now, “I couldn’t tell After that, T i n a didn’t want t o see groceries and a pint of sherry.Only One night s h e came upon a n ar- the alcoholics from the non-alcoanyone anymore – ever. T h e co- a pint. T h a t i s a l l s h e intended t o ticle in a newspaper which told of holics.1 didn’t get much out of that coon of l o n e l i n e s s wrapped tight. drink. Somehow a pint didn’t l a s t the workings of Alcoholics Anony- meeting. I w a s s t i l l t o o misty, but She began avoiding t h e family com- very long. Always by the time t h e mous. One drunk, the article said, I did find out that t h e s e people pletely. S h e used t o g e t up a t dawn to g o t o Mass; that i s , every d a y girls got home a t night, s h e didn’t c a r e what they thought. She and helped another drunk get well – if knew what they were talking about. the man, or woman, had a sincere They were talking about me!” s h e w a s able. There never had l o n e l i n e s s had gone off together. desire t o get well and would h e l p It might have been the cocoon of been a n y question about Tina’s Often in t h e afternoon s h e went too. Kate knew that T i n a didn’t loneliness, or it might have been belief in God. for a walk. Maybe 1’11 s e e people, like her cocoon and wanted t o g e t Tina’s shyness; or the fact that i t I t w a s quiet in t h e church in t h e s h e thought, maybe I c a n s h a k e off out of it. Kate hadn’t been a b l e t o t a k e s longer to get over a wine early morning, and peaceful. Rut s h e a l w a y s found the gaunt gray loneliness. Maybe I c a n find a way out of the cocoon. help. Maybe. Maybe . .. Kate is the cautious type. She . drunk but Tina didn’t get the program right away. Rut that Thanksfigure i n t h e pew b e s i d e her. Lone- T h e w a l k s were almost a s bad went t o a few open meetings before giving night when Jim walked u p l i n e s s w a s waiting, every morning. a s t h e church. At times it seemed s h e s a i d anything t o Tina. She and s a i d , “What’s the matter, T i n a ? I t seemed t o T i n a that t h e feel- t h a t s h e became a gray ghost found out s e v e r a l things. She found T o o much turkey?” T h a t did it. ing of h o p e l e s s n e s s and loneliness too. Floating through swarms of out that there were millions in the Loneliness hasn’t been around w a s worse than ever, s i t t i n g alone unseeing e y e s – e y e s – a l l of world like Tina; that i t did not much s i n c e Tina knows that a n i p i n t h e high vaulted cathedral. T h e them had e y e s that didn’t see. Why c o s t anything more t o belong than of sherry won’t help if s h e d o e s gray figure seemed t o grow and can’t they s e e ? Why can’t they h e l p a s i n c e r e d e s i r e t o get well and pay her a n occasional call. Tina grow and envelop her completely. me? Why won’t they h e l p me! Why that alcoholism w a s a disease. can’t t a k e that first nip. She had s h u t herself away from can’t I h e l p myself1 There w a s nothing wrong with And Jim? Tina s e e s him once in h e r family, T h a t somehow w a s bear- T i n a came home from one of Tina’s morals. She w a s just trap- a while a t meetings, but that’s all. able. But s i t t i n g there in t h e t h e s e walks one day, d e e p in her ped in a maze and couldn’t g e t out But Jim’s the one who changed church e a c h morning s h e f e l t t h a t s h e w a s c u t off from God too. misty turmoil. On her way up the s t e p s , s h e tripped and fell. She u n l e s s someone helped her some- things. He understood and T i n a o n e who had been there too and knew h e understood. Through know- That, t o Tina, w a s beyond human didn’t feel much butwhen s h e came knew t h e way. ing Jim, T i n a is getting t o talk t o endurance. Oh, God, s h e would u p out of the h a z e s h e w a s on a Kate talked about the meetings more people now. She i s getting pray, h e l p me! F o r s o many, many fracture bed with a broken hip. companionship and giving underone night and told Tina what s h e d a y s it seemed that God didn’t h e a r She couldn’t drink while s h e w a s had found out. Tina had never standing. For her, loneliness is o r wouldn’t listen. lying in a p l a s t e r cast. She couldn’t aged and vineyard bottled, heard of AA but she’d try it. She’d

J a n u a r y 1952

sreater than myself w a s just God- It’s e a s y t o mark the twelve ; t u t ~ d r e s s e d up. There must b e s t e p s s h e took, just like you’d churches for that stull. Take a n mark twelve miles on a map or inventory. Well, trying to find out who got her down a s far a s s h e was . .. that w a s inventory enough twelve marks on a calendar. A power greater than herself well you s a w and felt t h e shine … of t h e time that s h e came t o be- ONCE UPON HER TIME for her. Help somebody e l s e with this message .. when s h e could- lieve that. And the inventory well, I think the whole group . .. n’t e v e n h e l p herself. Eight months of it, dry 2s a new s e n s e d when s h e w a s doing that, wash cloth, and it wasn’t really and I g u e s s a lot of us started

S HE’S very short ….. it’s s u c h periods s h e w a s down in t h e s t a t h i s AA b u s i n e s s that w a s keeping her from t h e drink. looking our own inventories over again just from that feeling about a short time a g o . short story very much like many older and longer o n e s , I guess. and just a tion c a f e bolting a few. Pretty s o o n s h e w a s asking for emergency work breaks that were just time for After all, s h e reasoned, no o n e e l s e got me sober hut me. … nohody her that we got. The twelfth s t e p … well, there aren’t many gals in our group t o It’s a s o r t of “nobody but me” two. Pretty soon they weren’t ask- Rut after the big slip somebody h e l p their s i s t e r s out. We don’t story. I t s beginning w a s when s h e ing her t o come along when work but her did help her come back. need many; not with Shorty around. w a s just twenty-one, and t h e new girl a t t h e t i c k e t window. w a s over. No one w a s s e e i n g her home. No o n e w a s s e e i n g her when A lot of somebody people . .. and T a k e , for instance, t h e c a s e we heard about l a s t night that needs Nights, s h e worked. Four t o ten, t h a t is. At t e n they’d a l l g o a c r o s s they could help it. After all, s h e found, there’s not h i s time s h e w a s too licked t o d o anything but listen. She s a t help. Who would d o it … ?? Alter all, s h e told us, who should sort of limp, but little by little the s t r e e t , t h e whole ticket window gang. I t w a s t o o l a t e for body left t o drink with body but me. … no- s h e tried learning and leaning on .. why nobody but me. — A.L., New j e r s e y what s h e learned. shows, dinner they a t e in, and t o o She can’t really remember who early just t o g o home. She had first got AA planted in her infre-

. .. never had a drink before, not real- quent thoul:hts. S o many, a l l of a ly. But when you’re short, and new, sudden, told her s h e ought t o

. . . .. . and anxious t o belong, you have and somehow s h e did try AA. t o s h o w them and show your- Seven meetings a week, sponsors self t h a t you c a n t a k e it. a n d sponsors, s p e e c h e s and Alter all, s h e thought, it can hurt nobody but me. speeches .-. . and physical s o briety. L o s t pounds coming back,

… At t h e e n d of a year t h e gang told her t o take i t e a s y to beer, kid .. . switch it don’t work for memory l a p s e s further apart, food looking good enough t o actually eat … and physical sobriety you like it d o e s for us, t h i s hard rolling up d a y unto day. stuff. At t h e end of two y e a r s Rut it w a s a dim way. She workeasy-going J o e from window kt5 e d d a y s now, and took t h e meetc a l l e d h e r “an alcoholic” one ings in stride, a l l right. It was night. Her fifteen minute relief t h e stuff you heard there! Power

March 1 9 5 2

FTER almost four years, the believable – new lives, new jobs, A Ladies Luncheon Group is new babies, new homes (that is, restill going strongl All our lady A A s habilitated ones). look forward to Fridays and shelve In our meetigs we cover l a s of temporarily a h e r business that ground – vary our p r o p m s to inmight interfere. clude excerpts from some of tbe Generally any given group of fe- better books (idamative ones) males would be prone to have dif- outside speakers, our own speakferences – petty arguments and ers toturd table discussions and jealousies but not s o with this generally we have a r d c r f u l time group. They ail1 literally “fight” while gathering these qeeds of fa each other. wisdom. Some wonderful friendships have been famed through this group, We hope that there r i l l be l a s life-time friendships. That ever- more M i e r g o u p because after present bond of alcoholism is truly all alcohol doesn’t pick andchoose binding. whom it hits, and r e ladies The miracles tbat h a y happened plenty vulnerable. – Anonymous, during these years are almost un- Lodies Group, Binningbam, Alabama

April 1 9 5 2

HOUR UPON HOUR … ONE WOMAN FINDS THAT TIME IS TO BE LIVED I N

IT w a s four years ago, or five, or something in-between. Time’s vague, when I look back then,and lull of Great B a l d Truths when under the influence. I watched him a s he added just a twist d lemt o t h e peculiar hazy era which on peel, sniffed appreciatively, and – –

came just before AA. It w a s early sw~llowed. enough so that we were s t i l l blend- “What d o people d o with their ing them carefully and fussing about evenings,” he said, a s much to the onions in t h e Gibsons and hold- himself a s t o me, ” people whodon’t ing the stemware up t o t h e light t o drink?” admire t h e glow through the pale It w a s a question not worth an- . amber – s e v e r a l hours yet before swering, s o I nibbled a cracker t h e inevitable h e l l w i t h d i n n e r , t h e evening being yet youn8, a s I straight-shot stage. have mentioned -and didn’t answer. He w a s one of my favorite drink- Everybody I knew drank – which ingcompanions s a g e and soundly w a s , of course, everybody who matreflective, or s o it seemed t o me tered. Some more, s o that they lost

a bottle, I had learned t o knit. Off pattern grow. Knitting’s a pleasant jobs a got caned away a one voices from the meeting that was. and on, in sober moments, I had thing t o do evenings, if you don’t thing a a n a h e r ; some just a little less. But evenings were made for breaking up. I remembered what my friend had said and I smirked a worked at it d e s u l t a y and reluc- happen t o drink any more maybe the pleasanter because you can retant-like, preferably in the presdrinking. There was nothing e l s e little, smugly, in the dark. There ence of a n audience who couldn’t member the time when your hands t o do with them. are some poeple in the world who d o likewise. I couldn’t a s k anybody weren’t steady enough. .If you don’t If you are like me, if you spent have something t o d o with their for help in the puzzling spots and mind any more asking for help in a s much time a s I did a t a bar or a t evenings besides drinking, I wanted I was short of the necessary pa- the puzzling spots, you can learn home with a bottle, it takes awhile t o tell him, They are the people tience, but I’d cobbled up a child’s easier ways, and new patterns. after you find AA before the fuzz who spend themat Alcoholics Anon- sweater a two and a couple of caps. I had another thing to d o evenings. gets out of your head. You don’t ymous meetings. One of the blackest, most terrible Nobody who hasn’t traveled it look beyond today; you don’t try t o I was a little bit right. It’s one times in my drinking career,one of knows the distance between the see what direction you are taking. good way t o spend evenings, and the times when I thought I’d bet- world that’s bounded by a b a t l e You don’t try t o look ahead; you for me a t first it was the only pos- ter s l i t my throat and & done with and the w r l d peopled by pleasant, move carefully, trying a few new ible way. I was a five-meetings-a- it, was the time I realized my hands active men and women who never program-taught hab it patterns today; week girl a t f i s t , and then it shook couldn’t hold the needles and the had bottle trouble. But it’s a n inyou go t o another meeting tonight. down t o three meetings and it stay- yarn tangled s o that I couldn’t d o a teresting road, and companioned. It’s enough, a t first, t o be assur- ed that way for a long time. The single row around a sock. I was s o Two things led me out on it, shyly ed over and over again that other old crowd, the come-and-get-plas- frightened that I couldn’t tell any- and slowly; the knitting afaergenpeople got sober and like it that tered cronies, stopped calling be- body in the world. I hid the terri- tioned, and a big fat book non-fic- . way, It’s enough, single day after cause I didn’t drink any more, and fying blue wool bird’s-nest in the tion, which someone lent me. Never single day, t o realize that maybe you can too. everybody who i s anybody drinks, of course, in their lexiconas once bottommost pile of rubble in the mind its name youmight not like drawer I never opened. it; t o each his own. And then, after two months, or in mine. But new people took their Now I drew a long breath and got The knitting made measnt t o use I three, you begin t o look back and places – peopk with a new idiom it out again. Strand by strand I my hands in other ways.The big ! see patterns, to realize that things which included phrases like “easy straightened out the snarls. fat book, which was an interesting have happened t o you.Good things. does it” and “taking inventory” Stitch upon stitchuponstitch, is thing t o read evenings now that I After I hadn’t had a drink far and “twenty-four-hour plan.” Some the way you knit. You can’t hurry no longer drank, let me know that about three months, after I was be- of us got together by twos and it. You can’t skip over the middle my brain had waked up t o join my ginning t o be a little surer in the threes, evenings when we weren’t and d o the end b e f a e ~ o u ‘ v emade senses and my hands. new life and not quite s o frightened, I walked out of a meeting one night a t meetings, a d talked in the new vocabulary. a l l the stitches, with the shifts I am lucky – I live in a city and changes of pattern, in-between. which i s full t o every school-house and saw the stars, really clear, I had another use for evenings. It’s like getting sober; it’s like roof and the limits of evety univerreally steady, fa the first time in Then I looked at my hands one changing a personality-pattern. sity campus with evening’classes. years. Walking down the dusky street day and saw that they were steady. Easy does it, and keeping at it, of every kind under the sun. The I smelled night-blooming jasmine, Dependably steady. Forgotten skills and not looking too far ahead lest ones in tbe high schools cost a and felt thewind cool on my cheek. came clamoring back a t me with the you be appalled by the number of quarter a semester; others, a little I straightened and breathed deeply realization, hinting and nudging. knits and purls between the begin- more. of the scented breeze, knowing 1 A long time b e f a e , on one of ning and the end. If I wanted t o use my hands mare . had a l l my fagocten s e n s e s back. those tiny plateaus of aanquillity Besides which, it’s fun watching skillfully,I had t o learn t o sew. I It’s a wonderful feeling. which rose between the terrible a sock take shape, watching the quavered timidly into a dressmak- I could hear voices behind me, valleys into which I had dived with

ing class, perfectly sure I was the ren on buses, kidding with the only grown women in the city who cops, learning a whole new point lacked that skill. It took me five of view about the city from the minutes flat t o learn that there social worker. were 30 others, a l l in the same It’s a fine way to s p e d an boat. evening. It was fun. And none of the 30 Suddenly I looked back and reaspent their evenings drinking. lized I’d crossed a bridge of some Neither did anyone in the ocher kind. Evenings weren’t a problem, c l a s s e s I went to. Nor a t the lec- t o me any m a e than t o anyone else, tures I began t o hear about, and at- except that suddenly there weren’t tend. I began, what with AA, what enough of them. I was part of the with o m c l a s s and another class, lively, useful world, the world most t o find I knew a l a of people who people live in. didn’t drink, a not much, and who I must look up my friend somedidn’t care whether I did a not. time and tell him about it. I wonder I was doing Twelfth Step work; why aayone drinks away an evening. but I began, a s my hain went on I wonder why I used t o drink away working a little better, t o want t o s o many of mine. Hardly anybody be useful other ways too. I s a t in a drinks – a t least, not very much; Travelers Aid booth one night a not anyone who is anybody. There’s week, telling s a i l a s on leave how too much e l s e t o do. t o find the U.S.O., putting child- — M.C., Hollywood, Calilornia

May 1 9 5 2

IJZZY-HRAINEU and shaky, FI made half-hearted swipes over the furniture in my daughter’s t h e red diary lying open on the desk. Automatically I s t a r t e d t o c l o s e the book when suddenly the bedroom. I interrupted my dustin8 words in t h e open diary seemed ilt o pull t h e long c a d tighter around luminated, e a c h one a hot sharp my waist. It w a s the cord t o a n old s t a b reaching through my foggy flannel wrapper I liked t o wear around the house when alone. T h e .. s e n s e s . Slowly I read , May 27, 1946 – Well, I am home wrapper w a s full of cigarette burns again and now what? I lound out toand brown s t a i n s but it w a s com- night just what i s t he matter with fortable. mother and believe me it’s bad – I moved t h e dustcloth over t h e much worse than I ever suspected. desk. T h e cord around my waist I / I could only help, but how? Honcaught on a drawer knob. A s I estly, I don’t see how this hell can stooped t o untangle it, I noticed g o on. I came upstairs in a llood

CASE-HISTORY My sickness Had To Be Diagnosed By My Daughter’s Diary . . . o/ tears and here I am. I/ only we centuated my gray skin. T h e l i p had the lamily we used t o have. It s t i c k smeared on my slack jaw h o r really truly kills me to come home. rified me. T h a t w a s my face in the 1 know I’m just a weakling but I mirror, not the words in Mary’s can’t help it. 1 swear I wish to God diary. But somehow they were the I were dead! – Mary knows my daughter knows same … they said t h e same thing. All t h e living hell of t h e tortured – I wish I were dead, wish I were years spun ’round into the now. deaddead-dea&w ish-God! T h e pin- How did Mary find out? What had I wheelingaords slowed down; came done t o give myself away? into focus. Dimly I remembered my daugh- I looked a t my face in t h e mir- ter’s homecoming from college the ror and s a w t h e puAy lids, almost night before. Somehow we had g@ covering my blood-shot eyes. The through a dinner of s o n s . After black smudges under my e y e s ac- dinner, Mary had insisted on helping

E r with the d i s h e s instead of going t o now, that 1 was not different. sion. T h e inward s i g n s that I knew bag full of g l a s s guilt. T h e guest t h e living room with Daddy for their T h i s d a y , t h i s bedroom with i t s col- t o o well but t h e outward signs! room! Then came the hours a t the usual pow-wow. And then I had legiate souvenirs w a s my gutter, When had t h e family noticed? beach. Hours full of s i c k apprehentried t o s l i p away upstairs but Mary my straitjacket, my committment. T h e cigarettes! T h a t w a s it. sion. Under the bed in t h e guesthad very cheerfully followed, insist- Somehow, sometime t h e definite Sometimes I can’t light my cigaret- room a t the head d the stairs. T h e ing that s h e wanted t o talk t o her pattern had set in. “When? Why? I tes. I drop them too. I burn things. one bed in the house with no pro- Mom tonight. T h e n Mary and I lived the same kind of life a s a n y I looked down at the scarred tecting d u s t flounce. T h e one bed were alone. of t h e girls, I grew up with. We a l l wrapper. But I’ve been nervous. which would expose my guilt. “Isn’t there something I c a n do?” s h e had asked. “You a r e s i c k , Mod r e s s e d a s well a s e a c h other. We – T h e b a t t l e s that w a s it. But no, What if someone should find them? d a t e d t h e same fellows. Same par- I’ve a l w a y s hidden t h e b a t l e s . My first thought upon returning ther.Can’t I h e l p you in some way? t i e s , had our t e e t h straightened a t T h a t l a s t house party of Mary’s, home – t h e b a t l e s . In a frenzy Isn’t there something w e c a n d o t h e same time. Vacationed together maybe that’s it. Did I stagger, did s h e ran u p the stairs. T h e bottles for YOU?” summers. What happened?” I s p i l l t h e s o u p ? Did I? Oh, God, I were gone. Someone did know then. ‘ Cruelly, bitterly then I lashed T h e pinwheeling began again. can’t remember. I can’t even re- Someone had known a l l t h e s e months. out, “Don’t you know? Can’t you Rack t o the kid fun with my four member who w a s there. But they I had known for a year that I s e e ? I’m drunk. Your Mother i s a drunk!” brothers and sisters. Rack t o the girl’s schoo1,then college. Rack t o couldn’t have known. I did c l e a n w a s a n alcoholic . .. could have g u e s s e d ? ‘Round and Who e l s e the house. I polished a l l t h e silver. I Now huddled in a frowsy h e a p a t t h e f o a of Mary’s bed I had come marriage with Steve. All in t h e proper order, we had had t h e child- . I.. I, ofcourse, I hid t h e bottles – ’round c a g e – – t h e pin-wheeling squirrel were they really oblivious s o how could they have guessed. t o t h e end of t h e years of self- ren, Steve’s s u c c e s s , a n d t h e briqht Funny, I thought, how hard it t o those trips t o t h e bathroom when loathing. T h i s w a s t h e bottom. I new home in t h e suburbs. i s t o hide a flock of empty bottles. drinks were served? I had a s u p couldn’t stand mv daughter’s pity. T h e pinwheel whirled back t o t h e T h e big brown bags. I packed them ply of whisky in several little bot- How a n d when had I b e e n trap- .. . ped in t h e squirrel c a g e around bathtub gin era. Nobody ever saw me a l l in big brown bags. I took them t l e s in the medicine chest. During .. l would e s c a p e upstairs . . a drink, another and then another, oblivion, then floating back u p t o drunk. I w a s t h e girl who could hold her liquor. “That Nell,” they would away. Nobody could have s e e n them. I put them in t h e neighbor’s a and party. fortify myself ,then return. Had s a y , “What a sport!”She c a n drink trash cans. I know I did. I took they found out about t h e bottles t h e self-loathing again only t o g o anyone under the table.” Now look them in t h e car. in t h e medicine c h e s t ? back as quickly a s possible. a t me, a frowsy, huddled mess! Of T h e squirrel cage, around and Did they really think I w a s s i c k What made Mary first s u s p e c t ? course they never saw me drunk. ’round, bottles, bottles, bottles, when I fell flat on my face? I’d only Why I’m different, I kept telling I never got drunk. you always had t o get rid of them. had two drinks with friends; Is my myself. I’m different. I’ve a l w a y s When t h e pattern took s h a p e w a s Why should 1 b e thinking of that s e c r e t common g o s s i p in town? drunk alone, most of t h e time. I not t o o important. T h a t it had, w a s now ? Did they know when I got a telewouldn’t g o to a bar and get drunk. sure. P e r h a p s it beganwith t h e four Why should I b e thinking of phone jag that I w a s drudk? It’s I have some pride! Why I’ve seen d e a t h s in t h e immediate family in another week-end when we went t o funny how I always dived f a t h e alcoholics, drunks slobbering in quick s u c c e s s i o n ; or with the dis- t h e beach. A s usual just before phone. Years of “number please” gutters. I’m not like them. T h e y appearance of my brother. They we left t h e house, there were the sifting through my foggy brain. t a k e t h o s e people to hospitals, t o found h i s body in t h e river s i x bottles facing me. I had had t o Whom had I c a l l e d ? What had I s a i d ? jails. T h e y commit them t o asylums. months later. T h e n suddenly there get rid of them. I put them in a Could they t e l l by my voice? At I’m not like them. I’m different. it was, the occasional drink alone, big brown bag. T h e phone rang. l e a s t they couldn’t s e e the bottles T h o s e things never happened t o me! t o quiet t h e nerves. T h e n slowly Frantically I spun around in over t h e phone.They couldn’t smell But I knew, I really did know the necessity, and now t h e obses- search of a hiding place for my my breath over the telephone wires.

I must go away. Steve wanted m e bought a c a s e of X-brand! Steve towards the desk. * * * ,

t o PO away a year ago hut I knew ,was none the wiser. The little diary lay open. She turned away and walked to- -‘Round and ’round these silly Mccy 27, 1949: Motiwr is won(1er- wards the window, a victorious 1 . that wouldn’t help. 1 can’t have little smile momentarily brushed ! people sayinc I’m a drunk. ‘Round thoughts. They weren’t getting me /ul! We’ve s e t the dntr /or the wedand ’round – the bottles – who anywhere. Huddled there a t the f o a ding. Last night Mothcr told john away the marks of the pnst. knows? – the bottles – who is of Mary’s bed, I knew, 1 knew. she’s an alcoholic. 1’11 never lor- She looked out the yindow. Her husband, Steve, was systematically talking about me? Certainly, the Now something much greater than get how he looked when hr said, man in the liquor store can’t know. myself must s t e p in t o help me. , shc’s an alcoholic nnrl toltl him tapping at the inside walls of the a6out AA. 1’11 netlrr forxet how be garage. He seemed t o be searching

.. . . . I’ve changed stores. I only buy the My life had become completely regular ration from the man we’ve unmanageable j looked when he said, ” I f your M ~ r y for somet hing,Term ites ,she thought. always gone to. My own private Oh, God I prayed, p1eas.e hear turns out to be t h person you arc As she watched, she s a w t h i s exhell, I buy dawn the street. Surely me and help me. I can’t go on any’ now, 1’11 be sutis/it*d!” pression change. He scratched his the man hasn’t seen me go into the more. I’ll only heap hurt upon hurt. Quietly, I closed the book. Yes, head, then he tapped a pla* and other store. Running away won’t help. I can’t the face in the mirror was mine, listened. Suddenly, he jerked the F a weeks .. I had tried t o control my drinks. And why couldn’t I? run away from myself. Please, God,, help me t o get well. . .. really the face of a happy new person housewife, mother. plank loose. A clattering deluge showered him. ‘Round and ’round, whisky, that Whipped, miserably whipped, I Empty bottles! was it, whisky. I’ll switch t o beer. crouched there beside the bed. How Now that Mary knows, I can control it. I’ll just drink beer. I did it long it was .. I couldn L tell, but suddenly a s if I was being led once before, but it’s s o hard t o hide a full c a s e of beer! Oh, why must I’ think of those .. … I made a n effort t o rise, then fell back.Slowly ,I crawled, sobbing

silly things now, that day, that day I finished off the c a s e of X-brand. a shattering sobs each painful move I made . .. I gasped with

hung on t o the bed-post quivering, I . Steve’s favorite drink. He must not desperate. find out! It was during the beer Deep in my conciousness there strike. You couldn’t get any kind was a glimmer of a thought. T o my you eanted. Funny! I must have aching brain, it seemed almost like looked funny. I drove and drove. a voice, a clear small voice. There X-braad,that’s what I wanted. I got is help, there i s help for you, What it and went home. I lugged it t o the i s it? There are people like you cellar. I looked a t it. It was Y-brand. who can’t drink and don’t. What i s Foolish t o take it back, might want that thing? Slowly, determinedly, it someday, As if driven .. I searched the house faa hiding place. The c a s e I began crawling on my hands and knees and dialed AA. t o the telephone … w a s unbearably heavy. Again in- It was a sunshiny day. Now spiration led me t o the naked bed. Mary’s room gleamed and I walk- Very smug and satisfied with my- ed swiftly across the room lightly self I went back t o the store a d brushing the furniture a s I moved

May 1 9 5 2

,form of alcoholism and don’t have he did. Right after drinking it, and t o work quite a s hard a t t h e Twelve before our very e y e s , he passed THE LITTLE LOOPHOLE S t e p s a s t h o s e who .reached the out cold, a n ambulance w a s called a c u t e stage. But t h i s i s not true and h e was rushed t o a hospital t o and i s dangerous ground, I think, be treated for a c u t e alcoholism! for t h e alcoholic t o tread upon. \/isbottom w a s way up in t h e c l o u d s T h e truth is that, even though our somewhere – but he w a s just a s symptoms may never have been much a n alcoholic a s anyone whose narely five feet two but not a “little alcoviolently obvious t o t h e c a s u a l ob- bottom w a s in skid row. holic.” A higb bottom lady drunk finds that server, t h e underlying d i s e a s e i s My brother, whose example led there are no alcoholic degrees … e x a c t l y t h e s a m e as in t h o s e whose sympcoms were violent, and me t o AA in the first place, b l e s s him, once wrote me: “I think the s u c c e s s f u l treatment must be just principal difficulty you a r e going t o a s painstaking – if not more so! encounter in the near future i s go- Many women alcoholics fall into ing t o be a growing suspicion that w HEN I w a s speaking a t an A A meeting, in my early d a y s of sobriety, I referred t o myself whim- Of course .there a r c no degrees of alcoholism a n y more than there a r e degrees of cancer! You either t h i s category, a s I myself d o maybe “but for t h e Grace of God” or perhaps b e c a u s e most of u s did you are not qualified a s a n alcoholic a a t l e a s t t o a deqree which requires a n all-out and unqualified s i c a l l y a s a “little alcoholic.” Be- not have t h e opportunity or the fi- a c c e p a n c e of t h e program in order have it or you don’t. There a r e in ing something short of five feet two, nancial means t o drink a s much a s t o achieve a state of being dry.” both, however, s t a g e s of progres- I fondly hoped for a laugh – and sion of the d i s e a s e and some of u s often a s we wanted to. Whatever t h e reason we didn’t advance t o a Happily, I have never had a n y such doubts s i n c e I came into AA, but didn’t get it.1 didn’t know just why a r e fortunate enough t o c a t c h it in then – but I know now. Some of its early s t a g e s -and some a r e not. low bottom, t h e d i s e a s e i s there, will a l w a y s be there; t h e horrors h e w a s quite right, s i n c e that w a s exactly t h e experience I did have t h e s e a s o n i d AAs in that meeting But, unlike cancer, which may remust have suspected that I had a r e there, waiting for us, with that four years b e f a e coming into A A spond readily to treatment if def a l l e n into the common error of a s – first drink and,above a l l , the s p e c – and is, perhaps, t h e reason I am tected early, alcoholism may b e suming that there a r e degrees of ter of death i s there for u s if we s o constantly aware of t h e pitfalls more difficult t o a r r e s t when diagalcoholism, and foreseen diflicul- s t a r t drinking again, just a s it i s waiting t o e n s n a r e the “little alnosed in i t s incipient forms. Beties ahead. And I wouldn’t have at- fa a n y alcoholic. coholic.” c a u s e , of course, many of u s who tempted that minor joke if I had In my own treatment, there a r e In June of 1945, I first found, in a r e termed “high bottom drunks” a booklet i s s u e d by an AA group, known then how very common and c a n readily delude ourselves into certain things I must remind myself f a t a l that error of thinking is. of from time t o time. One i s an a n explanation of what alcoholism thinking that we have only a “mild” i s that neatly encompassed my drinkevent which took place many years ago, before I knew anything a t a l l ing problem and knew, with a l l the about alcoholism – or e v e n s u s – bright clarity of a revelation, that spected t h a t I w a s a n alcoholic t h e one thing a n alcoholic could myself. I met a young man a t a cock- not d o w a s drink and I thought it t a i l party one afternoon who, rare w a s a s simple a s that. I admitted being, had never had a drink in h i s that I w a s powerless over alcohol life. Some bright fellow induced – and stopped there. I didn’t think him t o have a g l a s s of beer, which I needed anything s o drastic a s

going out t o meetings a t night where that I didn’t have everything in com- I wouldn’t know anybody anyway. mon with every other alcoholic. I w a s intelligent, wasn’t I? If t h e And when I talk a t meetings, I doctor told he I had ulcers’ and no longer s a y , a s I used t o and a s couldn’t e a t raw fruit, s o I wouldn’t i s usual for “little alcoholics:” e a t raw fruit. So I wouldn’t drink. * t My s t a y i s not dramatic. 1 w a s And t h i s s imple-minded expedient worked -for exactly 13 months. Afnever imprisoned, hospitalized.. B e c a u s e that isn’t true. I w a s im- .” t e r I started drinking again it took prisoned by a compulsion whose me four years t o s t o p even though name I did not know. I w a s hossomewhere down d e e p I p o s s e s s e d pitalized – in my home, t o o ill t o t h e knowledge that I w a s a n alco- live a normal, happy life. I was hol icl racing into a periodic oblivion from It w a s a l o n ~time after I came which I had t o crawl painfully, torinto AA before -1 could see clearly turously back; I w a s rushing into enough t o know t h a t what I had t h e blind a l l e y of alcoholism and done w a s to a c c e p t t h e fact that I repeatedly fighting back through w a s alcoholic with reservations. physical h a r o r and mental shame; In other words, I had cautiously I was, over and over again, commitleft myself a loophole large enough ting spiritual suicide, twning my t o crawl out through in c a s e I did back on life, facing nothing, unnot like being sober. And it i s t h e derstanding nothing. Not dramatic? nature of a n alcoholic t o crawl Not on t h e surface, maybe, but through a loophole if there i s one nevertheless a life and death struqlying around anywhere. gle. And t h e r e l e a s e from t h i s inner S o now I a c c e p t ‘the AA program imprisonment i s just a s spectacuwithout a n y reservations a t a l l – lar a s a n y r e l e a s e from a locked a l l of it. I don’t want t o l e a v e a n y c e l l into fteedom. loopholes t o get out through. I don’t just “use what I need” of t h e pro- But I’m out on p r o l e and I’mgram – I need it a l l , because high not forgetting it. I’m not leaving or low bottom’we a l l have t h e s a m e any little loopholes to e n t i c e me d i s e a s e and I’d b e cruelly deluding back into enslavement! ‘ myself if I thought for one moment — M. K., South Salem, New York

May 1 9 5 2

OMISSION NOT COMMISSION coming (but had s h e a s k e d him humbly?). It cropped up every night when s h e conscientiously renewed

SaHEb l ehadlength been sober for a reasonof time – s e v e r a l her inventory, and s h e certainly didn’t deny that her problem existyears – a n d with t h e h e l p of A A ed. She did pray for knowledge of and by the Grace of God s h e hadn’t God’s will for her. It didn’t make had a drink from t h e very beginning., s e n s e t o think that He wanted her She w a s happy, too; content in her t o go on t h i s way and not find the sobriety, s h e had found a measure solution t o her difficulty. of that peace of mind others spoke Often s h e thought that the answer . of. Rut there w a s one difficulty: like a l l of us, s h e had another problem, lay in the 24-hour P l a n that she, unconsciously perhaps, worried a problem not connected with alco- what the future might bring if s h e hol, but a problem s h e could not failed t o solve her problem. So s h e seem t o solve. tried t o live for today only, and it T o many of u s it might not have looked so bad; s h e wasn’t doworked – but only for a few d a y s a t a time. She prayed desperately ing anything really wrong, it w a s a for t h e courage t o change t h i s perf a u k of omission rather than commission. But t o her it w a s terribly sonality defect surely God didn’t want her t o g o along serenely ac- s e r i o u s it robbed her of that full cepting it a s something s h e couldn’t and complete serenity s h e s o sin- change! cerely wanted. She thought of it And then the answer came likeconstantly: surely there w a s some- a bolt out of the blue, and from a thing in the ptogram s h e w a s miss- totally unexpected source. She was ing, something s h e must find and worrying over the future, terrified g r a s p in order t o rid herself of t h i s a t the thought of living the balance character defect. of her life forever saddled with T h e answer must b e right there t h i s shortcoming. She stumbled on in the Steps. Surely her problem a short quotation in a small magahad appeared in her original inven- zine – now s h e could face t h e futory, and s h e had freely admitted it ture without fear and with her chin t o God and t o herself, and now t o up. For now s h e realized: another human being me. She w a s “The b e s t part about the future ready t o have God remove t h i s i s that it comes only one day at a problem (but w a s s h e entirely rea- time.” dy?), and s h e had asked him count- — Anonymous, Rhode lsland l e s s times t o remove t h i s short-

July 1952

– — – – -. — — – – – —-

.+? . A lot of pennies tlo nu& a dollar

day Monday. I thought of phoninrr fears. I put the matter out of my that I had to go out of t w n , or ro 8 min.4, came back the following day funeral, or something else equally . .. and it’s funny, but the dentist childish; but that was silly, I’d ,it i ~ ? hun me a bit! have to go through with it sooner a SOWwhy was I ashamed of a later, and 11o’clock Tuesday found slnplc mistake in dates? Well, per- ODAY l’m happier than for me staring out the wait in^ room u p s I wasn’t consciously ashamed feel I have come at least a little m y w e p a : my dentist w i d w s at the traffic on the busy ,,I myself at the time .. . but I am now, whenever I think of it. For way during my few indescribably marvelous sober years; otherwise, has finished with me! I know I’m Square. Presently the receptionist fortumte, and I’m profoundly grate- appeared, with the most senseless tau see I had been in AA for three what profit my AA membership? ful to him f a his skill: over the possible question: n w n r h s or so, and I hadn’t yet For lookit: when I had my little years I’ve lost only four of my “Good morning, Mrs. D., and <r.lspcd the faintest glimmer of run-in with the receptionist, I could teeth, and much of the creditqfa what can we do for you?” t h e vi~lue,the absolute necessity, not even call to mind one of the this must go to him, for when I was drinking I gave little thought to .. If looks could kill. !This v a s no time f a humor, a for whnr this of living only 24 hours at a time. I h d three months of sobriety, oh very first cardinal principles of AA life “Just for Today.” But this t o a h brushes and dental floss and woman apparently considered hu- bcs! but I was staying dry by pure- last time: well, maybe I can say that kind of thing. mor. I went on being childish, wirh Iv mechanical means, without a that I kept in mind those final I It m l l y wasn’t bad, this latest someson of reply that I considered rhought of asking fcr help of any- words of the 12th Step. I like to 1 siege. I do have tender teeth, but humorous: “Lead me to the sacri- one, just ‘# using my will-power,” think that, just every now and then, admittedly I’m a coward and a baby ficial altar, I’m here because I It&. perhaps; I hadn’t yet learned that if I remember how much help I will . and can’t endure p i n . But some- to visit this office. Do you think I’d I asked for the will I would be receive by trying to practice these harP it was di&rent this time; I ~ i v e nthe power. principles in all my affairs. don’t h a just how to explain the di&rcnce, but I do k n w it wasn’t .. . be here if I didn’t have an appointment?” something like that, and then she laughed! L u u ~ k c l , f e hear it said that length of sobriety is of no importance, Well, Maybe these were only small experiences, neither important nor I ! tbe same awful ordeal a s on some mind you!! I dunno. I know I’ll soon be drink- particularly interesting. But I, like p c t i o u s occasions. ” ~ u tMrs. D.! Your appointment in^ heavily and disastrously again everyone else, had to creep and Take that time a few years ago, is fa tomonow at 11; you’re 8 if I rake that first drink, just like crawl befae I learned to walk, and f a example. I had an appointment whole day early!” and I c r e p out w r y alcoholic who ever lived, be a lot of little pennies do make a a t 11 o’clockd a Tuesday morning of the office, blushing and ashamed she (or he) an AA member for a s dollar. a d fmtcd a d f ~ over d it all of myself famy foolish, c a u ~ c h s mny years ‘ a s you please. Yet I -Anonymous, Attleboro, Mass.

July 1 9 5 2

that t o me it w a s pitifully devoid of board the wine wagon ( s i n c e it w a s vitality … t h e element I deemed to wine that I catered), perhaps No Longer A most e s s e n t i a l t o a l l truly productive living. S i n c e orthodox religion permanently. At t h i s point 1 had begun t o experience shame and befailed to s a t i s f y me in a n y r e a l wilderment and consequently I des e n s e of t h e word, I dismissed it cided t o c a l l a halt t o such non-

“Doubting Thomas” entirely on t h e b a s i s of what I termed its undeniable inadequacy. I became stocial, briefly, and fisense. Not until several months and many attempts later did I have in my p o s s e s s i o n the painful knowledge that in reality things were be- . .. nally, defeatist. Life indeed w a s “full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” Or s o I thought. yond my control. I had become powerless over al- But life or God a whatever h a s a cohol and I discovered myself f a c e T WO years a g o I had a convers a t i o n with t h e person now my sponsor. Ostensibly, I went t o see labeled t h e enigma of life, I would not have been interested in t h e way of a s s e r t i n g itself in s p i t e of a n individual’s own particular mode t o f a c e with a decision which appeared both humiliating and almost . f i r s t place. R u t they obviously had impossible. Relatively few people

… . . . her to d i s c u s s t h e matter of some found something and e v e n though of thinking. P l a i n l y life became t i c k e t s for the AA banquet that w a s I told myself I would never need more than nothing it evolved were even aware that I drank, for, being a loner, I had never really s o o n t o be held. Now, however, a s I look back, there must have b e e n their solution, I was, in my own spiritual dilemma, greatly attracted a s something something largely confusing and painfulwith which drunk socially … a t parties and a t t h e Country C l u b I exercised something providential about that t o any philosophy which apparently I w a s miserably unable t o cope. encounter, f a it s e e m s I a s k e d worked so effectively. Little did I Eventually to induce s l e e p I took rare restraint with little difficulty. questions not only about t h e forth- dream, e v e n in t h e wildest flights a g l a s s of wine, having once no- (Hypocrisy, Thy Name w a s Mine!)

.. . coming banquet but I quizzed her of my imagination, that l e s s than ticed it had made me rather drowsy. Seemingly I had suffered no losson religion a s well. T h a t i d o not two short years later I w a s t o re- T h i s prticular glass was the first es friends, job and even my r e c a l l specifically either t h e ques- turn in utter d e s p e r a t i o ~ t o t h i s real drink I had e v e r partaken of, reputation remained intact. It w a s t i o n s or t h e a n s w e r s is of little im- s a m e person in q u e s t of whatever for until then alcohol had held for incredible that I could not pull myportance. What really matters is she, and others like her, had that me no peculiar significance. T h e n self together. I had every reason t h e fact that I felt in her and t h e I so s a d l y lacked. gradually, insidiously, wine worm- t o d o so. But underlying a l l the arprogram of which s h e i s a part some I am now quite firmly convinced e d its way into my life. E v e n a t a guments w a s t h e growing convicv a s t intangible clearly indicative that a l l my conscious life I had much later d a t e I believed 1 could tion that if I were t o survive I must of s u c c e s s f u l living. Of course, if been a diehard agnostic. I c a n re- s t o p drinking, or, a t least, reduce s e e k help. I had not a h a * believed t h e s e member questioning t h e validity of t h e amount consumed. J u s t a s soon It w a s only natural that my pre- AA folks had found some s o r t of organized religion a t a compara- a s life adjusted itself to meet my vious contact with AA led me in adequate answer t o what I then tively early a g e with t h e r e s u l t demands 1 would d o so. In t h i s at- its direction. Perhaps the surprise titude of naivete I w a s a l s o sincere. of my life w a s t o learn that although Somewhere in t h e realm of tomorrow. l had not remembered t h e e x a c t nalay a l l t h e answers. ture of the conversation of many At l a s t the d a y arrived when I months a g o between my sponsor knew I w a s literally more off the and me, she had remembered and beam than I had e v e r before been. h a s s i n c e refreshed my memory. T h e remedy w a s simple. I would She was, therefore, not t o o aston-

ished when I approached her for which I felt badly needed clarificahelp. She had known ever since tion. I chose t o report on “Serenthat fateful day that I was sorely ity,” an article from the January disturbed, After all, had I not ask- 1952 Grapevine, and was slightly ed, “What are the characteristics upset when I came across the word of a n alcoholic?” and almost im- “humility.” Only when 1 placed mediately upon receiving the an- the word “without” before the swer had s h e not had t o offer me antonym “vanity,” did I arrive a t her bed in order that I might rest a a satisfactory meaning. In the actfew moments to recover from the ual delivery, strangely I felt a terrible dizziness that overwhelm- s e n s e of peace and relaxation that ed me then and there! And t o think contained the very essence of my I thought I had her fooled, she who topic … “Serenity.” had experienced some of the self- It was a s if through admittance, same wine hangovers. acceptance and then simply “let- Since being born into AA, De- ting go,” God, for the time being, cember 1951, (yes, I am a n AA was finally having his way through baby), my entire outlook i s begin- me, I say for the time being, for ning t o alter. I sought desperately while I seek continuously to grasp and s o have not been averse to more fully the AA way of life and plunging. Thus far I have attended consequently find my skepticism a l l the meetings and intend t o keep slowly vanishing, the conflicts on doing s o whenever it i s human- arising from my own willfulness ly possible, for it i s primarily from are still with me. Moreover, I feel the spirit found among t h i s group that I shall always be contending

… of people a l l seeking the same with them. But I seem no longer goal … derstanding spiritual growth and un- afraid … only cautious in the that one derives face of their existence. h i s greatest comfort. I have a l s o With the 12 Steps of AA before … read widely and seriously huge me amounts of literature which has /ore me … and they are nearly a l l be- I feel a s though I have proved most helpful because my come unto something which i s pracsponsor, knowing me, has known tical for not only alcoholics but for what t o give me. In fact, I have anyone who sincerely wishes t o even gone s o far a s to participate put the fundamentals of the teachon one of the programs .. . a s t e p ings of Christ into each of h i s 24 if perhaps presumptuous h a s a l s o hours. I have a t long last begun t o been most rewarding. try, and somehow just exerting the In preparation for my talk it was effort seems t o make a l l the difnecessary t o resort t o the diction- ference. ary t o clarify certain definitions — L.H., New Bern, N.C.

July 1 9 5 2

could even wash the dishes. Just them I was sorry I didn’t have a one and that’s a l l I’d have today. drunk t o o&r them and then I laugh- I’d keep my promise. I wouldn’t get ed.That was a real funny joke. But drunk. One, two, three … well, they didn’t laugh; it wasn’t funny A Fine Lullaby ! four won’t hurt anything and by t o them. They just politely said noon I was literallly flying around they wouldn’t take a drink if I did the house. Dust brushed off here o&r them one. They handed me and a dirty pot stuck there … the some literature to read and I had hell with the dirty clothes: I’d wash t o close one eye in a d e r to see it, when I felt better. By night time I s o I carelessly tossed it aside was sleeping off a good one, maybe and said I’d read it later, (much Whisky Bottle Blues” three pints. Oh sure, a pint a t a later.) time, the fifths were too hard t o These good people didn’t stay hide. long and I rushed in and polished Until one day it came .. . day when 1 said t o myself, “You … the off the good old pint. Then I really got sick no more in the house. are a sick gal; you need help; this My husband had “fixed” the cu “Dear God, Please help me!” . .. what a degradation: How could damn whisky has got the best of s o I couldn’t drive it s o I said to you.” But who t o turn to? My doc- hell with everyone and went t o bed I live without alcohol? I couldn’t. tor? Yes, he tried everything .. . t o toss and turn and s c h e w and … That was the feeble prayer I uttered a s simple and pitiful a s that, but it was answered and I was I would sneak, lie and steal to get another drink and I always managed pills that I would wash down with plan how t o get a bottle the oen a good big slug of whisky … then day. Everyone was watching me t o get one some way. Didn’t want started on a new road of life. Do it, but had to have it. dope? Heroin? I would c a l l him up and tell him too closely s o I didn’t have a you know why I was emitting such Opium? NO, but just a s t e p from it. his damn pills were no good. A chance; I was doomed. a childish prayer t o our Maker? I In fact if I had known where t o ob- psychiatrist? He could help me. Walking the floor and tearing my will tell you why. I am a n alcoholic; tain the stuff, I would have, a t He did. He told me I was a bit of hair I happened to remember what a n exdrunk … but a n alcoholic. I cannot take a single snifter of least no one could smell that. The look in my girls’ eyes as a n alcoholic but for $400.he could Jane from AA had told ‘me. She help me. 1 walked out of his ofice said t o ask God t o keep you sober any alcoholic beverage. That I they would beg and plead, “Please figuring out how many bottles I for just 24 bouts a day aod a s k learned the hard way, but thank Mother, don’t get drunk again today. could buy with $400. So one day him each morning. S o I walked into God, I learned it before it was too Don’t let my friends see you drunk, when I had one pinned on, I picked the bathoom and with tears in my late. A woman drunk i s the worst Daddy will be mad at you. Please, up the phone and called AA. eyes I said these simple w a d s , kind of a drunk and a mother who Mother, promise us that you will My last stepl Didn’t think I’d “Dear God, please help w!” is a drunk is worse than that. stay sober today.” ever stoop s o low. Little did I know Today I am a free wornin; I am a ‘Whisky Bottle Blues,” that is Sure I promised. Anything to get it was a lucky day I reached s o happy roman and I can talk and a good one t o sing t o your children. them off t o school and out of my high. They came t o see me that walk without the k l p d whisky, Bottles hidden in every nook and hair, then a mad rush to the closet, night, a man and a woman. I had a beer or gin. cranny; bottles being smuggled in- bottle hidden in the closet when “Thank you God, fa keeping me … clothes hamper, garbage can, dresst o the house under my coat; in my er drawer where did I hide that they arrived. Several times d ~ i n g sober today and for giving me Alcoholics Anonymous.” purse. The futile search for a misplaced one or finding one empty last one? I was going crazy; had to have that straight shot before I their conversation I’d excuse myself and go take a big slug. Told – M.Y., Awaa, 111.

July 1 9 5 2

TO A BEGINNER wonder who looked to the bottle nerve. Just the mental black-outs. for solace and company. How I hope and pray that the ever … thun the love of one dead The husband who left me for greener pastures; the two children growing knowledge of AA will reach more people who are still high drunk for another. Trite? Yes. True? I adored; the neighbors; my busi- bottom alcoholics or even p e n t i d Thank God. ness associates; none knew of alcoholics a s it did me. No one will ever know how hard those hours after the children No more loneliness; no more fear I’m trying t o get these thoughts were fed and put to bed that 1 of the future; added pleasure in the down on paper. Each time I start a drowned my lonesomeness with sun, stars, moon and Mother Nasentence it sounds like a testimo- quart after quart. Suddenly the ture. And the constant joy of sober nial for a gospel saving, chautau- black-outs. Waking in the maning wonderment at the antics of two qua, or revival meeting. But how wondering if the baby had called growing children. Alone? Yes, else c a n I explain this bursting for me a t night. In the house a l l figuratively. I’ve still my two t o feeling inside myself without sound- day Saturday, Saturday night and raise myself. Actually? No, not for ing like a yammering, bat-brained Sunday, and then during work Monnincompoop ? I’m the most fortunate alcoholic day trying t o remember what I’d fed the wee ones; whether or no … one minute a s long a s AA continues inexistenceand a l l because of the love of one dead drunk (or in the existence of AA circles. theirclothes were ready fa school. another. Argue about it if you wish, but not Even that wonderful housekeeper — 1.N. L., Sacramento, Cali(omia with me, for I know I am. Alcoholic- fathe childrendidn’t know of those ally speaking, I’m a high bottom hours of drinking after she and the drunk. My past history would bore children had retired. But enough you to death. Suffice t o s a y I was of that. a drinker for 20 years before my Most fortunate? Again I s a y yes. alcoholic pattern became apparent For I called AA the first time I t o myself. Then, I became that sol- itary, hide -behind locked -doors, miserable, self-pitying, gutless couldn’t remember feeding the children. Not a day missed from work. Not a hangover. Not a sick

August 1 9 5 2

whisky. ics Anonymous, I shall always be Skipping the sordid details of the indebted for that inspiration.

Imagine — next 15 years, s d i c e it to say that I drank intermittently but with incrcasing frequency during that period in order, a s I reasoned with I want to say this for the record, and please don’t flinch when I say it, that while I’ll be eternally sorry for bringing sorrow to folks who myself, to get that festive feeling lorn me, I’m grateful that I am an when stepping out. A more compel- alcoholic! If it. was in the cards ling reason, no doubt, was the de- that I was to be the victim of an in- Looking in a Bottle sire to covet up an inferiaity complex prompted by the feeling that curable disease, it could have bean cancer or heart ailment. For I was not a s well dressed on most the victims of these ailments there for Happiness! occasions a s my associates. S t u pidity kept me from realizing that seems to be no second chance. We alcoholics have that blessed sec- I would have had mote enjoyment ond chance! And for those other in-

… and have been more enjoyed in calico hard, hard way1 sober! Wc learn the curables there may be available the best of medical attention and hospitalization money can buy, yet I AM a woman in my late, late forties with a married son, a ‘teen age daughter and an ex-hus- … medicinal purposes only, and that meant a toddy f a Dad only eight children and mamma were we Meanwhile I had accumulated many new reasons (in reality they they do not have access to AA and the design f a a richer and better . were only excuses and alibis) for life which it offers. You see, it band, who went **the way of the merely spectators. Later, I learned drinking. I drank when I was lone- was through AA that I found a livwild goose.” For the latter, I to use it medicinally ( I ) too. a s “a some, and became mote lonesome. ing God a s I understand him. AA grieve and moan not at all, for I bit of the hair of the dog that bit I drank when I was blue, and be- opened the d o a s and windows of I ! . .. have what I consider an excellent substitute an electric heating pad! It does not stay out nights me,” in the cold gray dawn of the morning after. Then, with marriage, came the came more blue: I drank when I felt bad, and woke up sick for sure. my mind s o that the w a d s of an understandiog preacher, bless his And then I drank, whether by my- heart, came though to me, made playing poker, has no temper fits “RoaringTwenties”and the age of self a with somebody, and f a no sense, and helped me tiad the Pilot. … and can be turned on and off at will eruemely companionable, I find, and inducive to peace of home-brew. No home was a home without one bath set and. one ready to come off. Thus, it was on home panicukr reason. By now I bad arrived at the rea- See why I’m grateful? All through the years of my life mind. I was born of hard-working piobrew that I received my baptism of alcohol and my prep course in the lization that I was definitely an dcdrolic, and although hating and detesting tbc very thing I f a m a l y … before finding AA I was searching for something sat of a hidden spiritual hunger, I believe, and I neer parents, honest and strict a s gentle an of drinking. But I didn’t they make ’em but not religious loved, 1 was still unable to resist searched in the oddest places. like the stJf too well and was a craving for it. It was at this Imagine looking in a bottle for h a p folks. We used our Bible, mostly, thrilled when our bunch graduated stage in my life t b t a persoa very piness and peace of mind! Yet that as a family record and to press from that class and enrolled in the dear to me and formerly one of. is just where I looked. Instead, I flowers! I was raised with the idea that whisky was to be used for … fruit jar college. There, I was an apt and eager student I liked my choice guzzling companions, joined M and, almost over night it found remorse, worry, unhappiness, loss of respect and a set of damagseemed, became a lovelier and nic- ed equipment! er person. A d s o I f o d Alcohol- — V.S.. Seminole, ONahoma

October 1 9 5 2

CASE HISTORY II c athey AM one of the few who think were born a n alcoholic. n remember when I w a s a little gotten t o the p i n t where being out in the middle of the street frightene d me. I always walked within girl faking t o a h a c h e s s o my Grand- inches of the building on the sidemother would fix me a hot toddy, walks; s t a i r s terrified me. Even t h e and later, when I w a s allowed t o b u s ride from my home t o the other s t a y u p for parties, being very s i d e of town t o my hangouts w a s

– -“I was on helpful in carrying out the empty g l a s s e s s o a s t o finish up the last .. a n effort without a drink. Finally, after threedays of strug-

a vacation – few drops left. Even then I w a s a lone and “on the sly” drinker. My drinking remained in the soc i a l drinking c l a s s until after 1945. gling with me and fighting me, my family called the paddy wagon and had me committed t o the mental institution a t Provo, Utah. T o no problem, mine!” I w a s then 23 years old, and “on show you thc s h a p e I w a s in after t h e loose,” after divorcing a hus- my so-called vacation when I enband who “drank t o o much.” tered t h i s institution, I weighed Through 1946 and the early part of 103 pounds, and s i x weeks later 1947, my drinking became progres- upon my release, I weighed 172. s i v e l y worse m t i l I quit a good Members of AA had approached me job a s it w a s interfering with my of course, during my s t a y there, drinking . .. a few s t e p s ahead of but that w a s a joke! Ha, alcohol … my b o s s , I am sure! I lived from w a s no p o b l e m t o me I had d a y t o day, drink to drink, on Skid a nervous breakdown! Row, only going home when a It w a s right after my relrascl change of clothes became neces- from Provo, that I met the man I am sary, and only then during the d a y now married to. He stood by me when I knew my mother would b e when I needed help but refused a l l a t work. efforts of AA members t o break All t h i s time, I did n a think my through the hard s h e l l surrounding drinking w a s abnormal just having a vacation … .. . I was a good my whole being. We were married shortly after meeting (I had first time. On one of my infrequent trips t o get a divorce from a second home, I had a sixth s e n s e , a strange husband, a boy of 18 years whom feeling that I should not leave I had married during one of the right away t h i s time, Whoever w a s numerous blackouts) and went t o looking over me, God, t h e Higher Denver, a s I had decided it w a s Power, whatever you wish t o c a l l t h e town that had been t h e c a u s e it, guided me right, for I started t o of my “troubles.” Of course, t h e g o into d.t.’s that night which last- pattern there w a s t h e same, and e d for wet a week. after exhausting a l l efforts t o curb Previous t o that night, I had my drinking, we moved on t o an-

other “less troublesome” town. by AA. I again returned t o my home people who I had been ridiculing tion in Chicago, placed there this Our penny, which we tossed up in the air, landed on the map right and back to the group “to keep peace in the family.” Within three were my salvation … and even time by the Army. My husband was f l w n home, and was allowed to though I was not cognizant of anyover Peoria, Illinois. W e would g o weeks I was in a local jail, and thing I had heard at meetings sink- stay with his very penitent and there, I said, and I would get a the following morning my husband, ing in, many, many things came very ashamed wife until my a d e r s good job, no worries, and I would who had put me in, and the court back t o me. Things I had laughed f a overseas were received. have no drinking problem. At that decided I should be sent back again at now made sense t o me.That was Upon our arrival in Germany, I time I had talked my husband into t o Elgin. This time my young son my spiritual awakening that I had could not acclimate myself t o no reenlisting in the Army, which he and the one t o be born were both been hearing about in the meetings. contact with AA, no meetings, no had always liked, assuring him legally taken away from me, and For the next three years I was being able t o lift up a phone and that “if we had the security and my husband given custody of both. unbelievably happy with my hus- hear the reassuring voice of anstability of the Army pay” I would My husband a t this point was not band, my two sons, and by then a other AA. Now what? I was alone, have no cause t o drink a worry. patient, an attitude I could not un- in a country with no AA. I took in- Other ridiculous excuses were given, always something e l s e besides derstand. Hadn’t I done what he wanted . . .hadn’t I attended those baby daughter, when my husband got a d e r s f a Europe. This was ventory … Was I all alone a s I thought? There were still the thoufine, as I would be able t o follow blaming myself. At that time, I silly meetings a s he wished? Of him within a few months. However, sands of others; my coming t o Eufound I was pregnant, and my hus- course, with this attitude no amount sometime during the three months rope had not changed AA. . band was overjoyed a s he was sure of “hospitalization,” especially in after h e left, I lost my faith in the So, armed with my own b a n d of that having a child would make the a state mental institution would God that had helped me. The re- AA, I have once more gone forth. diAetence in my drinking, About help me. After leaving this hospital sults were obvious. At Christmas Not alone, f a a s long a s my God four months before I had my baby f a the second time, I made up my is with me, I will never again b e my husband had’to take me to a d o c t a because of my drinking, and mind that I “would show him.” Four months before my second time, I was s o enveloped in dangerous self-pity that I slipped, and -alone.. . Anonymous, Augsburg, Germany again ended up in a mental institu- .this doctor intorudced me’ t o AA. baby was b a n , I was hospitalized I was welcomed into this group, and in a private hospital two times should have been grateful, but f a within a month, and within a week two years I attended this group’s of the second visit went again into meetings, laughing inwardly at their d.t.’s. This time I was pronounced futile efforts t o aid me. These stupid people were weak; I could hana hopeless alcoholic by a l l … the d o c t a , the state mental instidle my liquor, I told myself. Even tution, and even some of the A.\s during the first year with them, who had been s o kind t o me. Our when I was again committed t o the minister advised my husband t o s t a t e institution a t Elgin, I laughed leave me there this time. at them, not a t myself. After many But something happened this time, promises, I was released and went thank God. During the most violent back to the AA group, giving lip pert of the d.t.’s, something a service only t o the good things s o m e b d y unknown made me stop ,these people were saying and doing thrashing and fighting, and it was for me. St months later I woke up a s if a door into another world had in a hospital in Chicago sponsored been opened. I sensed that these

from the a . GRASS ROOTS. a

I h a v e thonght of it much since. M should c o r n first, before personalit i e s , but should I get u p and s a y , “we a l l love Mary and it i s a joy t o have SHOULD I STAND UP AND TALK? her here, she’s a help and encouragement, etc. But, it i s s t a t e d epecifica l l y that one must have an e a r n e s t ome months ago, a lady, we’ll earth or words t o that effect, but un- S c a l l her Mary. appeared in our fortunately s h e could not because s h e d e s i r e to s t o p drinking in order t o b e a a AA, .ad if one i s not a n alcoholic rather small group (from 35-50). She i s charming. well-educated, attractive i n i s not a n alcoholic. She s a i d s h e l i k e s a few drinks, but c a n regulate her how c a n s h e have s u c h a desire if she c a n control it and it i s but a mild appearance, and in every way likeable drinking, and repeated that s h e could pleasure, not a d i s e a s e ? If we admit and agreeable. Personally, I like and not c a l l herself a n alcoholic. So when Mary then w e should admit a l l t h e s e ,admire her vety much indeed. s h e s a t down amidst deserving a p moo-alcoholic wives and friends and S h e came in with friends who a r e plause, u p bobbed a member, a very assortment of non-alcoholic clergya l c o h o l i c s and took a vital interest n i c e young chap, and said: “I propose men who come s o ohen.’, in AA itself. S h e attends a l l meetings, that Mary become a member of o w AA It would take courage, for I am far e v e n g o e s t o other c i t i e s with her group anyhow, whether s h e i s a n alfrom being a busy-body. I c a n just friends. She helps with t h e coffee, coholic or not.” ignore it…let it s l i d e and trust toGod makes herself useful, and i s just fine. So someone s a i d : “Fine. T h o s e l o straighten it out, or I can be labor- A week or s o a g o s h e w a s asked t o who think s o s a y ‘Yes’ and thoae who ing under a n illusion t h a t it i s somes p e a k a s a guest, and gave a very d o not, s a y ‘No*.” T h e Ayes had it. body’s duty t o get up and s a y just lovely talk. She s a i d that s h e would of course, though I s a i d nothing either t h e above. C. D. rather belong t o AA than anything on way.

January 1953

regard for our real capabilities, we try dom can be attained. I like the word to the other people in our lives. to live up to the standards of others. process because this growth must ‘

We are in complete bondage to In this attempt to please all. we live a necessarily be one of degree and it is those significant in our life. As children, we did as we were told and rigid life of conformity without any accomplished slowly .. . really an lawful “breaks” of just being our- ever-growing development. expxted parental praise. Now, as selves. Nor are we aware of this un- Positive thinking, positive action. child-like adults, we are completely due influence of others as bondage. definite objective will all have their dominated by the opinions of others. However, each person who influences part in the genuiue replacing the r r – We try to be any type person the situa- us is different, and unconsciously, in ~ifirlalin our lives. tion calls for with the expected ap- pleasing such a varied group, we be- My adult life was a complete mess, proval of those involved. But this come many personalities and com- particularly pertaining to my relationsubconsciously gives us many conflicts pletely lose our identity. We become ship with others, intimate friends and and torments. We invite these in- unstable, but we cannot see the lack members of my family: I like to think . fluences and at the same time resent of stability because so many of these for myself a complete change, a thorthem. We are completely dominated manifestations occur in our subcon- ough reversal of my relationship with EMANClPATION because we dare not be otherwise. We . have no real being . . we make phony scious mind, unknown to us. How significant is this bondage and . . these people . the ultimate end being some degree of control of intellect attempts to live to please others. Our over emotion. We must become comlack of stability in the behavior of lack of character is so self-evident, pletely honest with ourselves. There the alcoholic? Tensions build up everybody sees it but ourselves. must be a complete change in sense of within us until we reach the breaking We are not aware that without any values. Things that were once conpoint. Then comes the binge to escape. Since we dare not rebel when sidered humdrum become means of 0 speak of the emancipation of an sober, we need alcohol to temporarily real achievement. alcoholic seems at first a paradox, relieve these conflicts. These problems We’re often hesitant to let go of because isn’t the alcoholic the one per- are momentarily erased by drunken- our childishness because we don’t son who lives completely free and un- ness and we escape into our dream know what adulthood offers. Our unhindered by responsibility? This is world. There we become the self- manageable lives. however, demand the popular conception. As an alco- taking away sufficient person we want to be . . . a that we take some steps to once again holic, 1 want to be emancipated from person respected, admired, and needed. control ourselves, to submerge ourthe torments of a life completely dev- But this oblivion is short-lived and we selves in something greater. astated by the opinions of others . . . the bottle return to reality with our problems In becoming a real person, the rea torment which plays an important greater and our inadequacies increased. spect and admiration of others will part in my whole alcoholic problem. Abstinence from alcohol does not alter didn’t bring Our only other recourses are arrogance and defiance, in competition with follow. Only then, we won’t feel as keenly the need for their good my situation in this respect. others, and our personality is com- opinion. A sense of inner satisfaction W e are dominated because with her freedom pletely devastated by this competition. will replace the once necessary praise . childish means we endeavor to take How then do we become free from of others. When we give of ourselves our place in an adult world. Advice this total ineffcctiveness! Webster de- we give the genuine, thus attaining from others is invited but never toler- fines emancipation as “an act or process independence (not defiance), selfated. W e become uncomfortable in an of setting or making free.” Through reliance, and genuine respect of others. exaggerated form . . . even bitter and the channels of AA I think this free- N. L. B., Spar~a~~brrrg,5. C. discoura~edby this apparent bondage

February 1 9 5 3

NEWCOMER CONFUSED ABOUT SLIPS

I WENT to see an alcoholic, very sick, who after attending three woman says offhand hehhe has been sober five, seven, ten, fifteen years, it meetings said she was through, makes an enormous impression upon . washed up . . because “those AAs newcomers. It did on me. I once saw still drank and got drunk.” It was a young couple sitting up front, first uphill work trying to dissuade her meeting, man shaky, wife hopeful, and but it developed she called to see me a speaker said ‘Tonight is my tenth the next day, sober, and I had an year of AA sobriety, my anniversary.” opportunity to explain that people I saw that young wife’s face light up; did “slip.” I write this because I be- I saw her nudge her husband and I lieve when AAs get up to “confess” saw distinctly that ray of hope kindle in order to ease their own conscience in his eyes. They seem4 amazed, they should be very carefuf to explain fascinated, and enormously edified. , it was a slip, and that they recognize So folks, forgive me, but on this point it as such and that they do not drink I disagree with you. Tell ’em how and practice AA simultaneously. In- long you’ve done it to encourage deed it was a tough job convincing them, too. C.D.,Bradenton, Flu. this woman that we are not all a lot of hypocrites. She left me still doubtful and as this is the first time I have encountered any objection ,to AA on this point I am very anxious to express it now and here. While still feeling chatty, I’m going to say something which will make a lot of AAs throw a bottle (of icewater) at me. So often we hear that an AA should not mention the length of hiseer membership. Must be modest. That has its point, but I’ve noticed one thing: when a man or

MARCH 1 9 5 3

and then wherever possible turning the It is within this fellowship that she What NEARLY every woman know!.. . liabilities into assets. Our habits of behavior spring from will begin to practice the principles she is learning and to experience their a person. They also recognize that EVERY woman has seen tho& dress patterns especially designed for beginners in the art of dressmaking. one factor is usually a great deal more pronounced than the other, and that drives in our subconscious mind. There is nothing wrong with any of these drives but only with the use we make effect on herself and others. Thus new attitudes and new habits arc formed, to become a part of henelf. There are very few pieces but they are where the problem is largely emotional of them. When they actually are a part of her basic and all are essential to a dress, it is the more difficult one to treat Two examples come to mind; they nature they will govern her in all de. Simple, elementary instructions come successfully. are common to some degree in each partments of her life, private ant1 with each pattern-pictures show how Alcohol is used by the woman alco- of us. They are, first the faculty wo- social. to lay each piece on the material to holic as a means of total escape from men seem to have for being foolishly AA does not offer us, in this group avoid waste. Each step is described: the task of living through a normal lavish a ~ ~ d trusting toward unworthy fellowship, a Utopian existence where allow so much for seams, sew this day with its little decisions that must people. In exchange for attention and everything is always peace and sunpiece and that one together, attach the be made, small frictions, and even cheap flattery she is liable to do almost shine. waist and skirt parts, and eventually, moments of elation which become too anything asked of her. The drive be- At times association with us will if you follow the pattern, you have a much to cope with. hind this behavior is a longing for seem like a very dubious blessing until dress. Her most immediate need has always love and approval. There is nothing she understands that she is here, by That first dress may look more like been for some personality stronger wrong with that drive. It can enrich her own choice, to learn something a potato sack than anything else, but than herself to meet every situation for her life and that of others around her about practical, everyday living, and to that isn’t the fault of the pattern nor her and take care of it. So it is easy to if she can learn to evaluate character be successful it is necessary for her to of the material. It is only that we were see that the part of our program deal- in the personalities she is attracted to, meet and cope with personalities, inexpert at the job. More practice. ing with faith in a Higher Power to understand what constitutes help in pleasant and otherwise, with honesty more patience, closer attention to those and his willingness and ability to another’s need. in varying degrees, with kindness and simple instructions will improve each guide us is an important part of the The second example is our faculty with cruelty, with ignorance as well as new effort. pattern we offer to the newcomer. It for gossip. I think that habit springs . enlightenment. . with everything that , Alcoholics Anonymous is like those will appeal to her and make sense. from a desire for attention and a de- goes into making human nature what it I patterns. Our Twelve Steps are the Husbands, families and society fre- sire to look well by comparison with is. basic pattern and directions for a quently desert the alcoholic woman at others. As we learn that there is a the time she becomes most helpless wide variety in the quality of attention I think the secret of the happiness happy, mature life. Our character poand hopeless. So the discovery of a we attract we also come to appreciate we are all searching for lies in this tentialities are the materials we have Power greater than herself who will the fact that we do not enhance our- understanding of one another, in the to work with. Our first attempts at help, without deserting or damning final realization that there is little diffollowing this pattern will be clumsy selves by destroying others. Thc perher, is vital to her hope of health and son who speaks kindly when malice is ference in any of us, in either our and the results not the beautiful thing vices or our virtues. we hoped for, but that will come to happiness. flying in all directions soon finds she those who continue to practice and The inventory steps are just as sig- attracts plenty of attention and looks And having learned this we find we work at creating what they desire for nificant for her. She needs to under- decidedly well by comparison with have a rather special part to play in themselves. stand, though, that inventory is not those around her. the scheme of things: we women al- Students of alcoholism recognize just a form of flagellation, of making It is important too for the woman coholics can tell others about this that two factors, emotional immaturity long lists of what an awful creature alcoholic to understand the purpose of simple, learn-as-you-go pattern for and physical intolerance for alcohol. she has been. Inventory is list- association with her fellow alcoholics sober, useful living. must be present to create alcoholism in ing one’s assets as well as liabilities, through the medium of AA groups. C.C., St. Rose de Ldval, Quebrr

MARCH 1 9 5 3

reason for it. However, after being to give of myself in service to others. same husband. . . informed on alcoholism, the first part of the First Step was relatively easy for me. I learned I must not only accept the Twelve Steps but mwt work ach

same house. . . one as written, in the order named, To receive this education on alco- e l J l day that it k my privilege to holism, I spent ever), day for two greet; and from that time on, my life weeks from noon until midnight in should be made up of hrmb-fouone of the AA clubs of a neighbor- hour periods. , ing city, where I t d e d to men and The shplicity of fie whole thing women of all ages and wide experience

. . . but , p e e d to me. w h t a relief to and where I attended an M meeting oveiw after the ever), night. I went there with the highly complicated design I had for idea of looking over the situation and living! 0 all outward appearances, many in which I worked was waning and in deciding whether I would be interested T things and circumstances in my some instances had disappeared. Worst life are much the same as .they were of all, my attitude toward my fine in the program or would condescend intoN~~ &at the days have lengthened a few ps, my husband is kt’ usainte with of loved and cherished, the house th, years ago: same husband, same husband was changing to the point What a h o w , same economic standard, same where my love for him was rather to my ears and become a home again and some of the eyes awaited me ! community interests. But to me and to vague and detached. Sometimes I community projects have progressed “I WAS JUST RUN-OF-THE.MILLU because of my willing service. &st my dose family and friends who are wondered what was happening and be- &serving, thew things and 1 are came thoroughly miserable over it ~ h o xpeople were all sober of all, there have been invisible great17 changed. lhae changes have but I always found that a cocktail they were all happier than I had been changes in me and each day my heart come about since my faltering and or two magically changed the com- for at least five years. Toward the sings as I tr), to do His will for I U ~ . &nost disinterested approach to AA. plexion of things, temporarily at least, end of the two weeks, I had learned All this did not happen overnight. It I did not think myself alcoholic, and it was always tomorrow that I that I was an alcoholic, that my case rquired diligent working of the pnd if I had, probably would have would face reality. Aside from one was just I was not Twelve Steps and application of the tried to conceal it, had I not learned incident, there was nothing to indicate special at all. I had also learned that principles, and the task is far from that alcoholism is a disease no more to to the casual observer what was slowly if I continued to drink, it was not accomplishment, but the dividends are be shamed of than diabetes or tuber- and insidiously eating at my very soul. impossible, indeed it was highly prob- growing- L i e many others in AA to whom able, that my material circumstances Even though 1 m the grand-daughculosis. My symptomr were similar to those I have talked, it was easy to admit that would change for the worse, my health ter of a clergyman, the daughter of a of many others, no very exclusive ones my life was unmanageable but not that would decline and my mind become clergyman, the niece of four clergypcmliar to my very special cue. For I was powerless over alcohol, the latter more befuddled and foggy . . all . men, and the cousin of three clermsome time I was aware of the fact that for several reasons. I did not drink in these if something worse did not get men, God had never been real to me I could not depend on me, especially great quantities. Sometimes, because it me first! But I also learned that my and it certainly had never occurred to after that first drink. My former en- was not convenient, I would not have disease could be arrested, if I would me to get him mixed up in my pmbthusiastic interest in my home, the ap- anything for as long as six months. accept the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics lems. Strange that I should find my ‘ preciation of the beautiful rural sur- I had never promised myself nor any- Anonymous as a way of life, and best God in a group of recovered alcoroundings in which I live, the enjoy- one else that I would not drink again. of all I would be happy again, would holics, yet it is the most magnificent ment in my dogs, my music, my in- The only person who had suggested feel love in my heart, would enjoy and humbling crpcricnce I ham ever terest in the several community projccts it was my husband and I could see no God’s beauties and would be anxious known. G.R.P.,Richmond, Ind. 121

April 1953

..1~ nr? opinion,rbrrr uw us nranj, if rat ) ) m e , female problem It seems to me, for the amount of It is possible we are not providdrinkers aJ maie,” uvites a &falo doctor in a recent issue of Twelfth Step work we’ve done and ob- ing the right atmosphere, the right served over a five-year period, and for conditions, or the correct therapy. DO GP. Does AA mernber~hip refiect this trend? A woman the number of women who have come we have group defects which create member raise.r this and other disturbing questions. through our doors, far too few ‘have wrong conditions that could be weeded stayed, and far, far too many have out? Are we willing to do some group found our groups or our set-up, some- inner searching and examine what \ whcre, somehow not appealing or at- fmlts may be the obstaclcs? It seems \,tractive to them, and have never re-, these things are not to be discussed. turned. The men, on the other hand, Bring up the question of women alcoseem to fit in and find what they are holics and you’ll see what I mean! If lobting for. there isn’t an embarrassing silence or a It is too easy to lay the blame on the “pooh-poohing” of the question, I’ll

Are WOmm individual and say she just didn’t have eat my hat. Yet the problem exists. a sincere desire to get sobriety; and to There are many subtle undercursay she’ll come back when she’s ready rents and much “hush-hush about is another fallacy that tends to make us them. Without going into the smaller

the Orphans of AA? smug and self-righteous about what but nonetheless significant details conmay be our own shortcoming. cerning these undercxrents and ac- AA meetings as they stand now are tions, I say there is much room for imgeared for the male member, espec- provement and many possibilities for ially the closed mwtings. At open change. That is why I m in favor of meetings a women speaker is usually women’s discussion groups, where a sandwiched in betwcen two other new member who is shy, timid, and speakers even though, as in a smd- very self-conscious may ask questions; wich, the very meat may be there. where she is accepted wholeheartedly. Closed meetings are very rarely con- These discussion groups in no way W O M E N are only tolerated in AA; they are the orphans of AA! ductcd by women spe~kers. Why, I need supplant the mixed groups but This fact may account in part for the ridiculously small percentage of don’t know. There’s no tradition that rather may serve as a stepping-stone to women members who have achieved stability m d rolled up some years of so- makes this a rule. larger meetings. They can also serve briety. I never dremed there existed so much hostility toward women alcoholics Invariably, I have noticctl in my 3s a reservoir for Twelfth Stcp work, until I started to attend AA meetings. I bless the woman member who steered visits to otlier groups as I t:.~:.cl bout, as some youps do not have any me ‘to a woman’s discussion group in the hard first months of my sobriety, be- there is a very tiny prcxit.lge of women mcmbers to send out to hclp cause without its guidance and intimate group therapy I might have dropped out women. This, according to statistics, other women. They may also acquaint as countless other women do. should not be so. Nationally, it is com- tllc few wolncn ~ncmbersin their re- The few women who have “made” the program have done so despite the tre- puted that there is one woman alco- spective goups with others in similar mendous handicaps placed in their way by other women, by men mcmbers, and holic for every sir mm. Our groups circumstances. by non-alcoholics. I know for a fact that too many women AAs are suspicious do not seem for the most plrt to reflect Thesc are onlv a few of the rcasons of and hostile toward their own sex. The men, conditioned by their bar 1-xperi- this fxt. When you add the “hidden” why women’s discussion groups are ences, also view the female alcoholic with suspicion and hostility. Thrre are women drinkers, the percent.t:;e m~kcs needed and wanted. many exceptions. of course. and my present group i s one of them. our groups look even worse. B.D., IVoodside. N.Y.

April 1953 ‘ She used to find 365 days to “celebrate1’ . . . now she has one-TODAY Cross?” I felt that the entire reputation and responsibility for the workin ’49 (incidcntaj~~,I Icft thcm in Brooklyn, N. Y.), 1 wish t h t I could ings of thc Red Cross from May 21. tell her about the tortuous. winding 18S1, up to and including the present road that took me from thc oacc.uponanniversary, was on my shoulders and a-time. non-alcoholic vicwpoc~~t of disthat I was the only one in the world cnchnntment, to sag thc Ic.~st. regardwho cared about the achievement of ing escessive drinking . . . through Clara Barton. scvcral ycars of social drinking . . . My husband didn’t understand and into a nightmare of compulsive, obit was very sad. sessive drinking with its accompanying But if it wasn’t Clara Barton who tcars, promises (ncver kcpl) loss of had my damp sympathy on a particular self-respcct . . . hospitals, rcst-homes day, it could well be the New York and final culmination in separation Central Railroad which opened for the from my husband, beloved so11;ind the first time on October8,1851. Our Allies rest of my family. came in for their measure of recogni- I would tell my sistcr too about tion from me for their having libcr- my recovery from alcoholis~ntllrough H A V I N G rcccntly enjoyed my morning was to look at the calendar ated Greece on November 4, 1944, AA, the wonderful friends and the fourth Christmas season sincc 1 to see what nzo~l~h it was. Eventually and so it went. I always found some- helpins hands I found in oltlcr, wiser last had a drink of “the cup that I could narrow it down to the right , thing to cclcbnte! membcrs of this wonderful organiacheers ( ? ) ” I have been reminiscing week and if last night hadn’t bcen too So, if there is any gal who knows tion. They knew how 1 felt bccause about holidays, past, prcsent and fu- bad I could finally come to the de- that she is an alcoholic or even sus- they had been through the s m c thing. ture, especially past. cision that it was Tuesday, May 21, let pects it, and hasn’t’made up her mind My confusion, bewilderment and ch3- Just before the Christmas scason us use for an example. to investigate AA but who needs a grin was not grist for tllc mills of there was quite a lot of talk and good The day would proceed to snarl it- few more good, sensible rcasons or gossip, ccnsurc or blarne but rather, advice given at group meetings re- self up into the usual pattcrn and excuses to drink. I wish shc’d gct in my fricnds p o i n t e d out. emotions garding the fact that any holiday is when my husband came home for din- touch with mc. She may havc my which could be rc~laccd by oncs of only anothcr twenty-four hours. Some ner I would be in my late afternoon calendar ! faith, hope and confidcncc. o f the newer members expressccl ap- or early evcning normal condition. – The decision to d o something con- And out of thc unhappiness crcated prehension as to how they would make Which is to say, not good. hly Ilus- structive bout our drinking habit is hy my ~lcoholismhas corl~clo me 31-14 out. I couldn’t help remembering how band would say, “Now don’t tcll me a ditF~cultone especially if the person to my f;lmilv. rcltnitcd ontc more by thoroughly I used to “celebrate” holi- that you have been drinkinp itgain is .IS stubborn as I was. It doesn’t ply the grace of God and AA. peace, days. And not just Christmas, New today.” I always tried so hard to keep to say. “Tll;~t couldn’t h ~ p p c nto me” contcntlncnt and true happiness. Year’s Ere or other notable holidays, things peaccful and happy so I would because it did happen to me (im- So these days when I l ~ atk the mind you. I don’t think there are many reply, “All right I won’t tcll you.” q i n c ! ) and to thousmds of otllcr calcnd.lr. I thank God for A holiday alcoholics more conversant with mem- The unjustified inquisition would womcn. And take my word for it, that I can really iclcbrate . . . TODAY orable days of the ycar which call for continue with, “WHAT holid~g are those words are a lot hardcr to swal- . . . bccause t o d ~ y1 am s o l ~ r .And i f some kind of a celebration than I am. you celebrating today?” I wo~lltltry low than the last drink I had cele- that isn’t causc to cclcbr;ltc with the I can think of at least 365! to stop a11 that by haughtily inquiring. br1tin.c (again) Columbus Day. 1049. universal drink of AAs tllc world When I had my drinking boots on, “Do you realize that on this vcry day. Getting back to the gal who m.ly be over, the brew of the Btyzilian b m , the first %thingI used to do in the in 1881, Clara Barton founded tllc Rctl standing today in the boots 1 took off wh;lt i c ? L. A,. R’~rre. Vermont

f,- MAY 1953

A NEW MEMBER DECIDES THAT “LIVE AND LET LIVE” where I ~ J Sgoing, and went to ~a and, more p~rticululy,in my homc. CAN MEAN TOLERANCE FOR NON-ALCOHOLICS … AA meetins in order to get control of myself. In defense of myself, I do want to make it clerr that my antipathy to the Another thing: I sewe liquor in my thought of a drunken person did not

‘ H i h and Mkhty Me” home to those friends who wish it. include an drobolic who needed help; Never once has one of those friends it was directed only to a social drinker, over-stepped the bounds of social drink- presumably non-alcoholic, who by ing; nevertheless, I have found myself chance exceeded the bounds of social worrying over the possibility of such drinking. But even so, I realize now an occurrence, and it has seemed to me that my attitude is a form of snobthat I could not bear to have drunken- bery and that I must erase it, as it cerness in my home. tainly comes under the heading of “re- Suddenly, it occurred to me that I sentment,” which we know no alcowas getting pretty self-righteous and holic can dford to have. smug. I had been cherishing the slo- So although I am still on my “AA gans “Think,” “Easy Does It,” etc., honeymoon” (and I hope I will always but even while I was chanting “Live be), I have been taken down a peg or E OK iour months now I have been a me~i~berof AA and for that might be doing. If the moon and the sun in their courses are stable, no less so is my husband. However, he is a ,md Let Live” in my heart, my two and I am grateful for it. I am trythoughts and actions were a living lie ing every day to be more tolerant and period I have been dry (escept for one slip wllich turned out to be the best pretty rugged individual who, during to everything it stands for. I know that if I will truly “live and thing that ever happened to me-but most of his adult life, has been accus- I was very disturbed by this realiza- let live,” my life will be a better one. that is another story). During the tomed to a certain amount of drinking tion and I recently took up the matter In case it wasn’t noticed, there is past two months I have been having and, most important, he is nor an alco- at a beginners’ meeting which I try to mother moral to this story: If I hadn’t what a certain witty AA calls a holic. There is no friction between US attend once J week. The leader listened brought up my problem at the begin- “%oneymoon with AA.” I believe I because I do not join him in drinking to my problem and then analyzed it ners’ meeting and had not been h e l ~ d cm honestly say that the program as alcoholic beverages; he understands for me very intelligently, I think. He so much by the leader, I might not a whole has been revealed to me, and my proble~nand is content to have me said that perhaps I was bothered by have been able to solve it. So to you my new w ~ pof life has brought me stick to soft drinks. the idea of having some one in my people who, like myself, are newsuch personrl Iuppiness that it is a But here is the rub: sometimes when home get intoxicated because it would comers to AA, I should like to emlittle difficult for me to even remem- he is tired, a few drinks will make be a living reminder of what I once phasize the importance of going to ber myself ~s I was a year ago-or him sleepy-“dopey” I have called it was, and that subconsciously I shrank beginners’ meetings. I should like to six months JSO. That is probably the in my higli-handed way. He has none . from that picture. I do know that my add that in my opinion the ideal way principai reJson for my stubbing my of the manifestations of the alcoholic, old life while I was drinking seems of conducting the beginners’ meetings toe over a problem that emerged from is never loud nor hostile, but he may very remote and I should like to forget is by informal group discussion. The my new-found happiness. drop off to sleep in his chair and have it entirely. The leader suggested t h ~ t leader can always find adequate ma- Like many other women, I have what a short nap. On three or four occa- I take a new inventory of myself as I terial from which to talk from a qua- 1 think is the best husband in the sions recently this has happened and used to be and that perhaps in recall- tion or problem posed by one of the world. He is honest, industrious, kind, has irritated me far beyond reason. A ing the tolerance that no doubt was group-and it provides a wonderful attentive and has never given me a couple of times I have told him that he extended to me, I will have more opportunity to air problems such as the moment’s anxiety as to where he might is a “drunk” and once I left our apart- understanding for the person who one I had. be at a given moment or what he ment abruptly, without telling him might drink too much in my presence I.E., New York Citj

May 1953

i.

DRUNKS SCARED HER Finally, we started drinking two realized a miracle had h a p p e d to me. days before Christmas, New Year’s My husband had left home and was was approaching, but . . . I couldn’t now living in a mom, still drinking. get sober enough to get ready to get I was going along on the twenty-fourdrunk for New Year’s. hour program. I didn’t like being With the help of my mother and separated from him, but I could stand sister, I found AA, and, sick and it a day at a time, with the help and drunk as I was, the first thing I asked knowledge I had gained in AA. my sponsor was “What shall I do Then came a second miracle . . . I had TWO miracles- when my husband drinks!” My sponsor answered: “Don’t worry about my husband is now an active member in AA. We each have over two years him. Worry about yourself, one day of sobriety and feel that we have just my own sobriety and.. . at a time.” So I put my husband out of my mind and started going to meetstarted to live. Both of us found after we had been in AA quite a while that we had never grown up, that we were * -. ings. I progressed slowly. The more my husband drank, the more meetings both escaping into the bottle. It is a AS a young girl in my teens I was terrified every time’ I saw a perdead than not be able to drink when he does.” So, I went on my miserable I attended; they gave me strength. After a while my fears seemed to wonderful feeling that we both are beginning to learn how to grow up, dwindle and 1 felt like a human being. and are trying to practice the AA son drunk. way for ten more years. I began to feel that whatever faced me principles in our daily lives to the best . Why? I can see no reason . . I had I tried many times to stop drinking wasn’t as bad as facing a five-day hang- of our ability. We are grateful to the a very happy home and saw no cause by myself but the fears were too great. over. AA program and the grace of God. to fear liquor as my parents could take As time went on I progressed to the After eight months of sobriety I B.P., Dorche~ter,Mdss. a drink or leave it. I married the man morning drink, all-day drinking, and I loved not knowing he occasionally the five-day benders. My last year of liked to get drunk. I had gone steady drinking, out of fifty-two weeks in the with him for four years and had seen year, I had twenty-seven five-day bendno traces of liquor. The first time I ers. The first night of drinking, I saw him drunk I was petrified. From a would get drunk, then the next four quiet reserved person, he was com- days I would drink at home, trying not pletely changed. As time progressed, to get drunk, afraid of gctting sober. so did his drinking, and in order to By this time my husband’s stomach overcome this fear of him I found a gave out after three days of drinking drink helped me. and he couldn’t understand why I After a while three or four helped didn’t stop when he did. I couldn’t better, but the next day the let-down understand either, as I thought I was was terrific. I decided to see my doc- only drinking when hc did. Then came tor. He told me I was an individual the bender when I realized I was still that could not cope with alcohol and I drinking and this was the eighth day! should not take even an ounce. I I certainly was progressing. I thought remember saying “I would rather be I had had fears before . . .

Jun

Classes were forgotten. I did not reg- my first blackout and was unable to ister for the Spring Session. A short- hi& my drunkenness from mother. I lived engagement served as excuse for felt my first real shame about having quitting. I drank daily, usually at drunk too much. Even so, I continued lunch, always at cocktail time and in to drink more or less as before. With the evening. My drinking habits seem- this difference: never again did I drink ingly resembled those of my friends. socially without a feeling of apprehen- But I kept silent about the five or six sion. But it was not deep enough to times I went off with strange people suggest stopping. to drink in strange places, returning Nearly always I successfully convery late and very drunk. trolled /he amount I would drink. I October 1936 I returned home. always controlled when I would drink. tells the facts of her life Again I was busy with volunteer jobs 1 could take it or lcave it for weeks. and drank only when out on dates or even months, on end. Year after year to her incredulous friends away. I started running with an older passed this way-more trips abroad, crowd at the Country Club. W e never annual motor trips, many dates, much bothered with cocktails, sticking by volunteer service work, then War Re- AM an alcoholic. I have been for drank less often. But at least three Scotch and water from start to finish. lief and Seamen’s Canteen work. After 1stupidyears.story Once you know the whole times during this period I ended up I think you will accept tight when I had meant to get only I still managed to hold my liquor well enough to fool mother. Pearl Harbor a war job, and then another, which took me far from home. this. Maybe you will discover storm happily high. Knowing I could not By the summer of 1937 my usual I worked hard, with seldom the time warnings are flying, all unrecognized, drink at home, my friends merely quota of drinks’sometimes gave me or inclination to drink. for you too. thought I was out of practice and trouble. One friend’ mentioned this. Yet each year saw the score against I took my first drink Freshman year laughingly calmed me down before “Don’t you think you’d better count me increasing by five or six incidents at college, as non-drinking parents and taking me home. your drinks? You didn’t control your- a year. Ever more times when I got a strict preparatory school background In February 1935 I went to New self very well last night.” I replied drunk contrary to my firmest deterpractically precluded any earlier op- York to study again for my degree. that she was silly to fret, since ordi- mination not to, ever more blackouts, portunity. Not, however, until the end The first session I saved drinking for narily I managed beautifully. Only ever more binges on the sly and a of Sophomore year did I really become the weekends. I drank well now. now am I aware that she was worry- slowly growing sense of guilt that I a drinker. Junior year I was all set; Many of my friends were envious of ing about an unpleasant personality was letting down sbamcfully those many dates with always a little too my ability to imbibe heavily without change, not about my liking for liquor. who bclievecl in me. Sometimes I came much to drink, but never so much I becoming as irresponsible as they. The slowing down I attempted after very close to serious trouble. In 1939 couldn’t make it safely to my dormi- Twice, however, I got in tow with this was of short duration as I re- I escaped a drunken driving charge by tory room. Weekends away were gayer, people outside my group. So far out- peated the performance that fall while the skin of my teeth. In 1942 a symalthough I didn’t get any tighter than side I was glad my friends did not visiting this same friend in Scotland, pathetic park guard set me on my way my friends. suspect. Each time I came back to the and nearly added another on the re- again when he should have taken me Senior year saw* the same routine. apartment very drunk. turn crossing. in. In 1944 I fell into a mess so deep By mid-November I was so exhausted The second year my social drinking New Year’s Eve 1937 marked a and sticky that only the help of loving physically I had to leave, planning increased rapidly. Lunching leisurely, change in my drinking pattern. I not friends extricated me. to return the second semester. My with cocktails before and brandies only got absolutely drunk when I had By the summer of 1945 I was home father’s death prevented this. Now I after, became a favorite pastime. planned to be especially careful; I had again. Then a blackout at a local

i ~ ~ t y frightened me. My fright soon to comprehend some of my drinking. alone, no matter how ins~stent my k c ~ u s cof loneliness, because my hfc evaporated as I became involved in I do not know. Certainly by now my thirst, led to this sadly damaging epi- seemed pointless, because it was fun. managing the move to the country we uneasiness was growing, else I could ‘ sode. I could stop if I 11ked. My drinking found necessary. I had less than a not have verbalized it so readily. In- Now I worked even more franticnlly Was okay; no straight shots, no morndozen drinks in the next year. Oppor- stead, we deliberately started using PI- to expedite the moving, hopefully be. ing drinks. I tmk perverse pride in tunities for social drinking were slow coho1 to ease, at least temporarily, Iieving that, once we were securely sweating out my hangovefi. to arise in our new location. I still an ever more painful situation, since settled in town and the pressures on BY mid-september I cut down on controlled when I would drink and it neither of us was yet able to under- me e d , I would c e m this grim a[- drinks with other people and omitted had not occurred to me to drink alone. stand his great nervousness and hos- most insane way of drinking and pre-dinner drinks alone, lest someone In September of 1946 1 married on tility towards me. could again drink without the certainty catch me half shot. NOW I waited till the rebound. On our one night honey- In December he gave up his job and of going on to get blind drunk. bedtime. Then, after preparing for moon he passed out and I had only voluntarily entered a private institution we all thought b i % didnntwe? F~~ bed and tending to mother, I slunk the Philadelphia Blue Laws to thank for observation and psychiatric trcat- a few of you, who of one or off to mY kitchen. I had told PPC for my comparative sobriety. I did not ment. I drank only when we lunched another of hcselast few incidents, I often sat out there reading when she like this performance. Before he left outside the hospital, and stopped were kind and quick to make excuses was So know, for his ship I said, “I think we should short at two each time. When he came for me, &ncc that who could guess, that 1 Was drinking go easier with liquor when you get home to Iook for a job I did not drink dridiDg out of b d onlykalphighballs (I clung to the highball g l w back next Spring. I think I could be- at all; he was drunk most of that I was overtired and overwrought. as symbolic of decent social drinkcome alcoholic or something if I’m not awful month. Finally he found work How wrong we were. For I am an ing!) until I was blind drunk, then careful.” H e disagreed. Thus reas- which would keep him traveling most alcoholic and bound always to carry sitting quietly by my sft1y tuned sured (!) I dropped the horrid of the year. Between March and July my b h o l i c with me Wherever 1 radio, still drinking, sometimes till thought. But I began reading any he sometimes was able to get home for go. You still~don~t believe it, do you? articles on alcoholism I came across. I a few hours at a time. Unexpectedly But you will, once .you know what In M e e n these all-night -ions never found anything which seemed to I always got drunk with him on these h a p p e d b e q e n moving day and I “Ore that 1 would be Strong. that describe my way of drinking. special occasions, even though I had mid-November. Listen. . . : I would stop leading this lonely double Nor did we drink excessively until been told it was imperative I remain life, which was cutting me off from 1949. Mother had become bedridden in complete command of the situation July jla we moved. The wand my friends. I hated this deceit. I –blind, paralyzed and partially deaf at all times. night in town a neighbor asked me wanted to drink normally. I longed –and evenings out were difficult to By early April it was clear that over for a nightap. Soon we were to be the decent, intelligent, ~ s e f d arrange. So we fell into the habit of mother and I should move back to drinking togaher frequentt. At first urtr~onSO many believed me to be, that getting companionably drunk together town. Carrying out this task nearly I managed beautifully, although once I believed I could be. in the kitchen on weekends. If friends finished me. 1 did not keep any liquor I wandered in the car again. In early October I was terrified by joined us we still finished up out on hand. But several times I’bought a Suddenly the pattern changed. If the discovery that I could not stop there after their departure. At least fifth with the deliberate intention of 1 did not xe my friends, I started drinking. Nothing helped. All my three times during these years I hesi- knocking myself out if I could find drinking done before dinner when de- determination and will, all my vows, tantly suggested that maybe I, at least, someone to drink with me, never a p e d or tired. Soon I was gulping a all my prayers for strength to quit this , should cut this out, since frequently dinicult problem to solve! In May a couple ahead of time when we planned mad rat race seemed useless. I clutched the way I drank seemed peculiar. Per- mild birthday celebration, which turned t o meet. Next, I was having a couple at the chance to take a vacation, to see haps if my husband had not become into a drunk after my guests had left, more afterwards! places and old friends I loved. Surely increasingly disturbed emotionally he blotted my record ineradicably. My Although alcohol now ruled, I still this would work. might have helped me in my groping stubborn refusal to consider drinking believed I was boss. I thought I drank The week was perfect. 1 had three

nights on the hill I love best in all Wc had four apiece. As I left, I the world. But even there I drank. I invited them to have a nightcap with ‘ cash from Florence and buy some thing by myself. Could you come talk prayed again. This time I didn’t ask me at ten-thirty. At nine-thirty I wrote ‘ more whisky when I took her to the to me.” for strength. My prayer just burst a check and went off-to the wrong bus. “Do you need me?’ out, “Dear God, what must I do? I’ll place-to buy more liquor. A pint of All this time I was worrying about “No, not tonight. I’m all right for try, 1’11 probably fail. What MUST I whisky and a dozen beers were put my intermittent blackout. By one-fif- now.” do? Because I just don’t know.” in my car. There was time enough for teen I had the walking jits. Suddenly “1’11 call you tomorrow.” The first day home I was on top. a beer, sa I stayed-and drank till I unloaded all the coffee. Then I was Quickly I crept to bed. Now I . Now I could win. A virus laid me closing time. able to half lie, half sit on my bed. wanted only to sleep and to be ready low the next three days. Saturday I I woke up more bewildered than I’d I tried to think what to do. And this for whatever tomorrow would bring. was well enough to go out lo market. ever been before. The clock said ten- I shall never understand-it seemed as I cannot remember much about that I included a fifth and a case of beer in thirty; I knew it had to be morning as if a voice said, “Why, Corrie, you Sunday. I was restless. I wondered the week’s supplies. it was light outside. How could I get KNOW what to do. You’re like that when Ray would call. I wanted to Saturday night I was drunk. Sunday up? nurse you read about in the Saturday know what I had to do. There was night I started again, but ran out of But I had to. Someone was coming Evening Post. You’re an alcoholic. no impatience in my restlessness. Most liquor. about the boat. Florence was due about Telephone Ray C. He’ll know some of the time I lay on my bed, waiting Election night I ended up very noon, and I must, since I had been one who will help you.” quietly. drunk, although I drank properly at very drunk again, go through my nor- For a few minutes I could only stay Again at eight Ray called. He would the Smith’s until midnight. When I mal daily routine, lest people suspect. shaking on’the bed, saying over and be around soon. Suddenly I was nergot home I could scarcely wait to get I forced down some tomato juice. over, “Dear God, it’s true.” I called vous and embarrassed. This wasn’t at the bottle in the kitchen. I bathed. Panic hit me when for a Ray. He wasn’t there, but they would easy, although it was what I desired time I could not find my glasses-if I have him call. above all else. Wednesday and Thursday I was had lost them before I had come home, Although my jitters intensified dur- Ray soon put me more at ease. I sick. My ulcer rebelled. Riday night I was drunk. bringing those strange people with me, ing the next ,few hours, 1 was less felt that he believed I understood what Saturday I was sick. some of my friends would know I ‘ frightened about drinking. Help was I was doing. I wanted desperately to Sunday night I was drunk by nine. had been off again. I dressed and went coming. I did not take Florence to the have him believe that; I thought may- Dangerously early! for the mail, noting with sly satisfac- bus. I cancelled the invitation for be he had to be sure I really wanted Monday I was sick. tion that I had parked the car neatly drinks. As six o’clock came nearer my to stop drinking before heed let me Tuesday I drove to New York and the night before. fear returned. Why didn’t Ray d l ? into AA. back. I considered a drink. Then this same Finally we went to call on the wo- Later, after the tomato juice bounced, voice seemed to say, “Hey, look here. man he had asked to sponsor me. My Wednesday night I was drunk. I felt so much better that I decided I Thursday I was very sick. If you pour the whisky and the com- embarrassment returned. But her welcould not have been so drunk after all. pany Madeira too, down the sink, come to me was indescribably kind Friday I tried to think. I put away the tell-tale glasses and you’ll get by this. You’ll have none in’ without condescension. I was still sick. I was desperately made coffee. When Florence came I the house. Then you can hang on till 1 can remember little of what she afraid of what I was doing. I was drank four cupfuls. When Mrs.Smith help comes.” I did this. said. Only that it was what I had afraid I would wander in the car called to apologize for skipping the again. I was even more afraid I would I telephoned again. Once more they come to hear, because I was licked nightcaps (apparently they had stood be caught. At five my neighbors sug- promised he would call soon. Now without help; I, who had never ken me up too) I quickly said to forget it beaten before. gested cocktails with them. I went. I the shakes w e d ; I almost slept. and to come for a drink a little before When I reached home and hd was a gentlewoman, and this time, by At eight the telephone rang. six. There was no beer and almost no God, I’d prove I could drink decently. “They said you wanted me to call.” thanked Ray, I felt safe and at peace whisky left. I planned to borrow some “Yes, I did. Look, I can’t lick this with myself for the first time in years.

I know now what was in my heart and lieve me when I tell you that only with mind. But then all I could think and the guidance of a Higher Power and say was, “Oh, God, thank you.” the human help of AA was I able to So you see, my dear normal drinker become free of my obsession, and that friends, I am an alcoholic! You must only in this manner can I continue to not be ashamed, bless you, to accept remain so. this; I am not. Do not continue to in- Open your minds, acquire knowlsist that I merely “drank too much edge and understanding of the alcosometimes.” Do not scoff at AA. holic and Alcoholics Anonymous. When liquor had me licked you re- Help us, in your special way, to help mained steadfast friends. Now please “the million who don’t yet know.” believe in me as loyally as before. Be- PCY, Delaware

June 1953

forever on your guard lcst thc tcrm not think that His plan was for me to

For a br&… “AA” escape your lips. Won’t that bc stay sober for a year, or two years, or a little difficult, after being so willing five or ten or twenty; that doesn’t -yes, eager-to talk about AA these make sense. Had He wanted onlv that many months past? And is that too he perhaps might have taught rile to good a way to start off a marriage, control my drinking, or something like even though your “secret” is not a that. No; I humbly believe that H e thing you are ashamed of? O r are you wished me to be bber indefinitely, ashamed, Helen? Don’t be; all you through the medium and power of have to say to yourself is: “I’m an AA, so that from time to time I might alcoholic-so what?” If’s so simple. try to help others and thus relieve Another t h o u g h t comes to me: him of a tiny part of his burden. Hc won’t you miss AA meetings, and the suggested that I do this thing but one Youalwaysunnerve me, Helen: you’re correct in these decisions of yours. doing something unusual, I could not tell you what to do or fun and the friendships and every- day at a time, for he knew my weakthing that goes with this good way of ness and inability at the beginning to and at the most unexpected moments. what not to do, Helen-neither you living? Won’t you now and then miss do more; but in his wisdom he knew But last night was the pay-off: you nor anyone else. In my distress of the having someone ask you to try and do that after a while I would begin applytook me completely by surprise when moment I could only suggest that you a bit of Twelfth Step work? You ing this twenty-four-hour principle to Don called on you to speak and you look up AA the instant you reach Chi- know yourself that your happiest times all my affairs, and that this would told us of of your approaching m u – cago, so that if any thing ever should have been when you were trying to help me greatly and be a bulwark to riage. happen you will already know where help. .-. my continued sobriety. For a long time As you were speaking, though, a to seek human aid for your fellow- And from this,’too, I cannot turn it didn’t look that way, but it does peculiar thought entered my mind. members. my mind: have, you forgotten that we now. This was your last meeting here, since But today I have had the chance to never graduate from AA? Just as our And so-since God gave AA and you were leaving for Chicago in the think, and, since I have long figured alcoholic troubles were progressive sobriety to you and me-have we morning, and you said a goodby to that God was with us on the day we downward, so is our recovery progres- any right to live in such a manner that all of us, very prettily; but I felt you first met, I dare now to believe that sive-upward. You are personally ac- we in turn will be unable to pass on really were saying goodby to AA, and he wishes me to speak with you again. : quainted with women-and with men, God’s gifts to another? I do not think our conversation over coffee later D o not take this amiss, Helen; we are too-who thought they had graduated, so. When you attended your first AA strengthened this impression. You told of different faiths, but God speaks and you know what happened to them meeting, o; the first few, and sensed me that you planned not to tell your alike to 111 when he has work for when they drank again; would it be the birth of that hope that you could hand of your AA membership, nor them. different with you? or with me, or rccover, that you would recover, as did you plan to attend meetings in T o me the picture is this: if you with any AA member? I have no rea- you so splendidly have done, what cre- Chicago after you w e n married; and keep your secret, your conscience will son to think so, about myself, anyway. ated that hope in you? The presence you asked me if I thought you were bother you, and perforce you will be The most important reason of all at those meetings of the women and why I do not think you will “give up men who already had found AA ., . AA” is this one: I believe that we AAs and nothing else, in one sense. Obhave a particular debt to repay Him. viously there would have been no Surely you believe as I do, Helen, that meetings for you had all these mem- God reached down and touched me bers decided to “graduate.” when he brought me to AA. I can- Alice O., Sarz Diego, California

July 1953

“They were delighted to help me he was living done in Portland, Ore- to live through AA. before I had turned to drink.. ” . gon, in a little dingy sidestreet apart- I have been married five years, now. ment house. I decided to go away and we are quite happy, but it is a from my family for awhile and see if heart-breaking thing for me to see I couldn’t get straightened around, d- these others about me now who arc though 1,didnlt know how I was going in constant mental turmoil and arc to do it alone, and we couldn’t llford barred from the doors of AA because a psychologist. I went to Portland to t h y do not drink. set dad, and told him my troubles. He In AA halls everywhere you see said he was going to AA, and asked the motto: The Only Rule Of This ‘2lcoholu Problem ” me ‘f I wanted to come along. 1 I was a desperate, lost soul when I Club Is A Sincere Desire For Sobriety, and the stricken eyes of downfallen walked into the AA hall that night, and beaten men and women rest upon and as the meeting progrrsxd, I began it, desiring sobriety more than anylistening more closely to the things thing on this earth. AM a young marricd woman with ~nclsanitariums evcr since. the fellows said. Then I got a terrific And yet, within their hearts they 1overa thefamily. I have never lost them When I was sixteen, I met and I~IJCproblem of drink, and feel ried my husband, and he has proved 40 shock as I realized that everything they know that one of the toughest strugaid completely stated mj case, accept gles they are going to have in their quite certain that I never shall, but I be the most understanding and tolerant for the part concerning liquor! never-ending climb to reach total and a111 an alcoholic just as surely as the person I have ever known. At that I went back again the next night, complete sobriety is the struggle to fellow who is right now trying des- time I was subject to violent temper and the next, and for three weeks I conquer the thing that is the driving perately to keep sober for just twenty- tantrums, moodiness, sulkiness, and didn’t miss a meeting. I began going force within them that has pushed four hours more, or just ten minutes sometimes for days and weeks 1 wouw down to the hall in the afternoons and them down into the blackness they more. 1 barely speak to people, and uncivilly talking to the men and women who dwell in, the skid row in their hearts. I must ask my Higher Power every when I did speak. I had my moods of c a m in. For there is the eternal sense of failday for peace of mind and tolerance happiness, too, but then I went over- It hit me like lightning when I ure, the inferiority feeling that kwps of niy fellow man, for although my board and expected everyone to forget 1 realized how happy I was becoming. them away from their sober friends. alcoholism is not in the physical sense, immediately all the mean and childish and for the first time in my life I and the fear that they will never be within my mind there dwell the fears, things I had done. could \look around me and say thank- able to conquer alcohol. prryers, hope, and despair that are I could not livk with anyone peace- fully, “1 really belong. These people I have done lots of Twelfth Step within the breast of the world’s worst ably, and when my first son wastborn are my people, and they really like ivork since I returned home, lots of alkie. a year after we were married, I could me.” And it was true. The people in counseling and suggesting to those I was born into a poverty-stricken see that my temperament and intolek- that group could see my trouble, and who have no problem of drink, but honle, and the worry of debts, sickness, ance was going to destroy my marriage they were delighted to help me before have a11 the mental sdering that and where the next meal was coming unless something was done. I had turned to drink. dkies have, and my counseling all from has been with me constantly ?s And both my husband and I knew They taught me to believe in people, comes right out of the “Big Book.” far back os I can remember, growing that if I didn’t do sMnething about not only thmselves, but in those who I send the alcoholics to AA, where worse and harder to bear as I grew older. When I was five, dad started drinkmy warped mental outlook on life that I was heading, and very rapidly, for a mental institution. r erm’t alcoholics. In that three weeks learned to pray their prayer, and pray it sincerely. I learned tolerance, and I know they are in competent and understanding hands, but thank God I can help the others, for AA taught ing and has been in and out of jails Dad and mother had separated, and humility, and faith. In brief, I learned me how. OJ.,Omak, W4sh.

August 1953

as AA is concerncd. I do feel that turned your will and your life ovcr to when we havc rcally workcd this pro- the Highcr Powcr, Ict him worry about gram, as it has been put down for us, things.” I havc told myself that a for five years we do grow up to face thousand timcs a day, but it doesn’t the realities of lifc and live a more work. I’m sobcr today, and with God’s adult lifc than we ever did bcfore. I help, I’ll bc sobcr tomorrow and the know I’m not afraid of what’s to hap- rest of my days on this earth, I pray; pen to me, as I have turned my will but I’m tired, I’m half sick bccausc I and my life ovcr to a higher power. can’t slccp. I’m as honest as I can I call that power “God.” possibly bc and yet-what’s wrong? Now, what I’m trying to gct at is Can anyonc tcll mc? Has anyonc this: I’vc had so many things happcn clsc comc along this path, or am I to me in the last few months, in fact alone in it? I’vc ncvcr read anything the past two years, that it seems every- like I’m writing now in The Grape- . thing is crowding down and around me. vhw, but can there bc a first time? I I can’t seem to sleep. I’m at the club pray so, as I’m a good AA member in our city wery spare momcnt, I g o and nced sorncone’s advice that may to meetings as often as I can. I help have had this trouble as I am now. 1 people when asked. In fact, I jump in go from early morn to early morn, before, if I know they’re new on the and it’s bccn going on for a long program. I’m knocking myself out, but’ while. Two or three hours’ sleep is I can’t sleep anyhow, so . . . what do about all I get. some of you readcrs’suggest ? What’s to happcn to a gal who can- I don’t feel’ I’m going tot drink. It’s not rest? Have I missed something just that I can’t seem to stand still. somewhere? Please, you all tcll me. “Easy does it,” they say when you I’m no saint, but darn ncar it as far first come in, “first things first,” and as AA living is concerned. If there’s our beloved prayer. But on I go, living just one of you that reads my story AA with every breath I take, saying and you feel you have an answer, our prayer, praying my own, attendrng please help a five-year-old “baby.” meetings four or five nights a week, The Grapevine gets to all the states, and yet here I am at 2:30 now, still and I feel someone must have an an- . awake, thinking . . thinking . .. I. swer somewhere. I can’t find it here. can’t stop my mind. Please don’t say, “Well, you’ve Mrs. I.M.W., Phoenix, Arjzorla

August 1953

me out of this nigl~tmareI WJS living. didn’t I know every ccnt I could sparc HOW long hid it becn this time? hncl to be sjxnt on drinks? Wcll, Three weeks, or was it a month? thank heaven; she’s gone. Doctors . . . hospitals . . . everything My Last Nightmare had becn tried agin. My intentions were good whcn 1 I must stop this drinking, but how? What was that article 1 read n I’cw years ago about Alcoholics Anonyleft the house, but like all other al- mous? Maybe that’s the answer but coholics, I told myself I couldn’t do will it be listed in the phone book anything without first having a drink. and will I have strength to look for . . . Many drinks later I wandered it? Thank God, there it is. The tempfrom one place of worship to another, tation to get back in bed is veiy and about that nothing is very clear, strong, but no, I must do something except the place they told me to put to help myself. My life depends on it. out my cigarette, as I was in the house At last it’s over, and someone will of God. bc around to see me that vew same Next came the blackout, then my day. In the evening two ladies came, husband helping me into the car. and we had a long talk. Then came Someone had called him to come and the night I was to attend the meettake me home. I had taken a head- ing, and what a night! A sort of hurdive some place and had a broken ricane, no less. Will there be other nose. people attending on such a night? That was the end between us. He Those shiners were very prominent. had been very patient with me, bid People will stare at me. The temptathere’s a limit to everything. I didn’t tion to stay home almost overwhelms blame him. me, but finally I got there, and 1 Now it was Monday. What will 1 waited as I was the first one there. N bed, I listened to the patter of then jump up and get it, but before do now? Can I get out of bed if I But I didn’t have long to wait and I the rain outside my bedroom window. This was Monday. I was sure I got to that number I was back in the terrible world of the whispers try? Yes, I must try. First, I will lock the doors and pull the drapes, pull soon there were at ieast a dozen people, and everyone so kind and unof that because yesterday my husband again; through it all I could hear my down the blinds. N o one must see me derstanding. At last I had found what had been home a11 day and he never own voice talking and arguing with in this condition, both my eyes swol- I had been in search of. stayed home from work unless he was t hcse whispers. len and black. Well, I made it, and Two years have now gone by since sick, and he seldom was sick. Not The day before that had been Sat- I’m in the livingroom. There’s a that Monday of long ago. Two years l i e me. urday. What did I do Saturday? Some knock at the door. Dear God, who can of sobriety, not so contented at first, What had happened yesterday? of it came back to me now, the cars that be? Trembling so I can barely but like most AAs I learned as I O h yes! Those awful whispers, the tooting their horns at me as I stag- stand up, I peek through a space in went along, by keeping an open mind. room had been full of those whispers. gered across the road; but where was the drapes. That face . . . where did I have come to know my Maker 1 I had that drink behind the picture I going? What was I looking for? I see her before? Oh heavens, yes, again, and the contentment and peace on my dresser, but I was unable to Ah yes, now I remembered; I had left that’s the lady I ordered twelve pairs of mind is a treasure that by the grace get, up. 1 must get it or else die. the house determined that somewhere of stockings from in a hotel bar one of God I shall never lose. Count to ten, I told myself, and I ‘must find something that would get day. Why did I do those things, C.H., Laketiew, 011tnrio

September 1953

wrs getting under wry and t t was only rnornlng or during the day. My eyes The story of a woman who thought: “I knew all were going brck on me. I learned that a matter of time before I was faced the pitfalls and would be able to avoid them.” with the necessity of getting a job. I had high blood pressure. Being r which I thought would be only a semi-medical librarian I read up on matter of temporary expediency. I high blood pressure and walked ended up with two jobs, one five days around for a couple of years expecting a week and one on Saturday. The to have a stroke at any minute. I Saturday job I gave up after sixteen couldn’t sleep and had to drink to’ years; the other I have held twenty overcome that. Liquor bills were a

The Rules years to date. Also being ambitious 1 started night school and this lasted for seven years. problem. In 1947 I stopped drinking for d year, hoping that my eyes would im-

Were OK But things kept going from bad to worse and I found that a couple of drinks on the way home in the eveprove and that I would again be able to drink normally. I countcd the days until the end of the year. About a ning or before dinner were a very month after I came off the wagon I for Others welcome relaxation. My father died after a long illness. I didn’t seem to had a bad blackout and was ill for several days. It seemed absurd not to be getting anywhere. The years began drink during the day when I was so slipping by and my youth was slipping sick and was making myself conwith them. I was getting frantic. I spicuous with my jitters, and a drink ,V’I’IL I was about twenty-four found myself drinking for more than would make everything OK immc- U years old. I was hardly conscious of alcohol at all. I didn’t like the taste relaxation. Anything and everything diately. I was very careful. Two ounces would last so many hours and in was a good excuse for a drink; I was of it. If given a drink I more often definitely leaning on liquor. the evening I could drink freely. But than not put it aside untouched. It was Things had began to straighten I was on a merry-go-round and afraid the time of prohibition. Most of the themselves out when the war came to face the days. Every morning 1 young men I knew carried hip flasks along, bringing with it an accelerated prayed to be able to get through that and most of the parties we went to schedule and added strains. After 2 one day . . . the twenty-four-hour rule were BYOL parties. A premium had been the bane of my existence. It long waiting period my brother w.lr in reverse. been put on drinking. was a sociable thing to do. I had sent out to the Pacific whcrc he re- If my associates knew how I was It was when I made a trip to New a much better time. Liquor was not mained for several years. 1 was drink- drinking they gave no sign. They York that I really became conscious a problem to me and I thought never ing more and more and getting aw- knew I was ill and very nervous. I of how important it was socially to would be as I seemed to be able to fully nervous. I knew I was drinking kept my drinking from my family and be able to get into speakeasies. I drink much more than most people. too much and began going on the friends as much as possible, and hardly had a date while there that Several years later I made a trip wagon periodically. I tried all kinds thought I succeeded, thanks to chlorodidn’t at least wind up at a speakeasy. to Europe. Liquor was even more im- of things. Drinking only wine or beer phyll. I had eight liquor stores on It was at this time too that I began portant to Americans over there. They helped, but also put on a lot of my list and never bought from any to like liquor, cocktails that is. It did had to drink as much as they could weight ! one more than once a week. I don’t things for me that I liked. It over- while they could-and they did. By now I was drinking Aily and believe that I was too much of a probcame the shyness that had always When I returned, the depression from necessity, but not as yet in the lem to anyone but myself until almost

t l ~ ccnd of my drlnhlng tl.~ys. marrid. I was on top of thc world. you be, pray tcH me? yond hope, 1 was given a ncw out- And so, beginning with having my This lnstcd for six months. I could hardly wait to put the new look and strength to face the mcss eyes examined, I finally landcd in tlic Then my world crashcd. A terrible theory into practice. I laid out a pro- that 1 had made of things. gram: two drinks before dinner I found that here were people who hands of a doctor. I had always been illness in my fianc6’s immediate famwhen dining out-period. I made ar- really undcrstood my problem. I afraid of doctors; afraid, I pcss, o i ily stnrtcd us on thc rounds of daily rangements to dine out as frequently learncd that I was suffering from an what they would find out about mc visits to the hospital. All plans were and of their stcrn disapproval. I had cancelled. The wonderful honey- as possible and for several weeks illncss that had no cure but that an idea that they wouldn’t bothcr moon in California had to be forgot- really cnjoycd those two drinks. could be arrcstcd. Instead of being with anyone who drank. So, even ten. I started to drink like a fish and However, I was scared. The idca of told I was a weakling, I was given a when I suspected that I might be the merry-go-round started again. Be- getting into troublc again made me constructive program with help and seriously ill, I found some excuse for fore long I had to drink to keep go cold all ovcr. And sure enough, guidance in following it. the first time something went wrong From the first I was very much not going. T o my amazement this going at all. I drank myself through the funeral, the hasty wedding, the the two drinks increased to more. irnpresscd by the people I met in young doctor proved to be wonderfully sympathetic and understanding. honeymoon. I was married at 6:20 Nothing too serious happened, AA. Here was an attractive group It didn’t take him long to discover in the morning so that I wouldn’t however, and I went on for five of people, all more or less successful what was really wrong and he insti- have to go without a drink any weeks carefully watching my step. in their lives, yet who were deeply tuted a program of rehabilitation that longer than absolutely necessary. I Then came a family wedding. This interested in others’ problems and might well have been successful, if it was constantly ill and liquor had was a real cause for celebration. Be- willing, at any inconvenience to lost its old pick-up. It didn’t seem sides it was on Saturday and I would themselves, to drop everything at a hadn’t been for a set of unfortunate circumstances, my willful emotional to have any effect at all. have time to recover from any illness moment’s notice and go to the aid After four hectic months I agreed that might result. O n Monday eve- of even a complete stranger. There nature, and the fact that I had not yet to try antabuse. This was fine while ning we were ‘expecting some very seemed to be a warm personal untasted the bitterness of complete deit lasted but after about four more special guests and I provided high- selfish fellowship among thcm such feat. I owe him a deep and lasting balls for them. At the last minute as I had never encountered before. It debt of gratitude and, as he is still months, I had another emotional storm and took another nose-dive. all the plans were upset and I drank was impossible to think of thcm as helping me more than I can say, as the drinks myself. The next morning being alcoholics. far as my case is concerned, AA will Each time was worse than the last. I am still struggling with the in- This time I landed in a hospital, a I couldn’t operate without a drink, have to share the credit. Too, he was several very stiff ones in fact. I knew termediate steps. I know I am more the first to suggest AA to me. kind of nursing home, for ten weeks. And my drinking was no longer the it was dangerous, but I had no patient and tolerant with those However, in the back of my mind choice. around me. I try to be more conthere was still an idea that I could deep dark secret I had liked to think it was. I was disgraced. My family It was eleven months ago today siderate and unselfish. Things that I lick the thing eventually. I didn’t that I quietly left my home and thought were quite justifiable causes know exactly what an alcoholic was. was all upset. I was beside myself with remorse and apprehension. called the AA number from a neigh- for resentment don’t seem to occur I didn’t know that there was no ‘ such thing as going back and starting You would think that I had borhood drugstore. The young wo- any more. man who responded to my call I have filled my life with activity. over. There must be some way of learned my lesson. But no, I was too proved to be someone I had known I have a program that I follow no overcoming what seemed to be a smart for that. The rules were OK for many years. That afternoon bc- matter how tired or disinclined I weakness, a lack of self-control. for others, but I was different. The side a swimming pool I met and may be. And 1 am bccoming ex- Under the doctor’s care I was soon reins had been too tight. Things had talked with her and two other mem- tremely interested in the things that in top physical shape. My blood pres- to be approached more gently. I b e r ~of the local group, and from I first took up to distract my attensure came down to normal. I stopped kncw all the pitfalls and would be being ill and discouraged almost be- tion. For instance, I have been takdrinking entirely. I made plans to be able to avoid them. How stupid can

ing horseback riding lessons since There is certainly no dearth of inlast fall, and while I was scared to teresting things to do once you start death at first, now I can hardly wait looking for them. Someday I hope to for the nights to come around. I go have the serenity to just sit. to horse sales and horse shows and As for the Twelfth Step, that of my big ambition at the moment is to helping others: not long ago I made own a horse-any kind of horse, they the remark that it was nice work if all look beautiful to me. I would like you could get it. Now I am here. I one that wasn’t quite so smart. am living for today and not worry- I have taken up bridge again, a ing about the future, although I thing I had little time for not too don’t believe I am neglecting it. I long ago. I read as much as I can sleep soundly and wake up full of and for the first time in my life find interest and plans for the day. I feel myself deeply interested in non-fic- wonderfully well. I am doing all the tion. I have been studying chemistry things I always liked to do and some and going to seminars. I am plan- that I always wanted to do and ning some research on my job. couldn’t. So far I haven’t missed an AA I think I can truly say that I am meeting except for several medical finding happiness, peace of mind, meetings on Thursday evening. I and even a measure of serenity in expect to go to Florida shortly on my A A. vacation and do a lot of swimming. Z. W.,Clayton, Missouri

October 1953

LICE in the Wonderland of AA. spite the breath of stigma that clung A r n e comparison keeps running to such an action, stood straight and Alice in the Wond?rIbnd through my head. My name isn’t Alice at all. For many years, though, proud and in honesty admitted the obsession and allergy to alcohol that I did play Elizabeth in Fogland. I had thrown them into sanitariums and am still Elizabeth and still an ako- situations horribly unlike the lives they holic. had dreamed of and hoped for. I felt Neither did I come to the Wonder- that none had sunk so low, spiritually land of AA as did Alice, a “child and morally, as I had. of the pure, unclouded brow and I saw men and women from every dreaming eyes of wonder.” Quite to walk of life meet and merge on the the contrary, nothing about me was common ground of need and hope unclouded and my eyes had been and help. dreaming for so long that they were Watching them, indeed, I felt quite entirely unaccustomed to focusing like Alice in Wonderland. I thought, upon realities. in my panicked and despairing soul, NevcRheless, I did resemble little that if I did not have what these won- Alice in that I looked with great won- derful people had-and quickly-so der upon the folk who made up the that I too might become one of them small group of AA into which I 6rs1 and be safe and secure and sure in stepped some years ago. their love and concern, I must die and These were-and -1 thought, be done with it. the most remarkable and unusual You know what the Fogland is, people whokver lived. I watched and don’t you? Do you know about the listened to the incredibly amazing his- horror of living all your remembered tories of widely different lives. The life in constant fear of one thing or whole pro~rpmof AA, its powerful another? Of never feeling needed or simplicity, and the people who were wanted? Running from one thing to weaving it into their own and others* another trying to establish oneself in lives, overwhelmed me in its drama. the world with other people? I won- Like Alice, I looked on in wonder. der if you found, one day, when you I lookcd, c h p i o n i n g and cheering had grown up physically, that alcohol, at the self-ternred stumble bums now like some magic brew, took beautiful all slicked up, holding good jobs, care of all those dmdful fears and sober and wanting to share their hope; frustrations and their progeny that at the professional people who had wormed in your mind like maggots. rronr tlN odglml by Ik *J ‘I.mirl gone down into r bottomless pit of Of course you know how, much too “After a while I began to realize that when I looked, like an confusion, fear, hatred and filth and soon, the alcohol flowered into the most Alice, into the mirror of AA, I law not a great host of other people JhunbIed across a truth that had made horrifying devil of all and there you but just-myself .” a ladder txuk to the sun and good were, trapped in your own inescapable dean earth; at the women who, de- hell.

‘ 1 – I > By the time I reached this stage I I strove to be honcst in all things that when I looked, like an Alice, always for the good in others. This had acquired a husband and three sons but unspeakable and terrifying secrets into the mirror of AA I saw not a I believe to be a way of God’s forto whom I must somehow explain and pretensions out of the past great host of other people but just giveness. And I believe in utter -myself. faith that He is with me in all things, how 1 had come to get into this trap. blurred the honesty; I loathed myself large and small, so long as my I couldn’t find the proper words. so bitterly that I could not be rid of Here, and only here, I realized, must my efforts be concentrated. W e each motives are from good toward good, Everything sounded all wrong when I self-obsession; 1 was afraid to asgot it said and if I were drunk when sume the responsibility of sharing differ from the other and I must use and according to His will. HOW faced with my sins and misdeeds– what little I had of the program be- my own bootstraps to start my own humbly grateful I am to have come to well, my tongue grew irrational, bitter cause I felt unfit to claim as mine rise. I must calmly face all facts and belicve this. How gladly will I share and vicious. My family had little the beauty of this program. But- work at them-moment by moment it. if necessary-but never beyond twenty- AA is still my vcry real Wondertrouble explaining it, though. To hus- be a part of this wonder I wo&. band it was just a plain case of hav- I ceased the effort really to what four hours at a time. God would land, and my eyes still widen with ing no sense or will power about I wished to be and began working help me as I needed to be helped, and wonder at all I see and hear; but drinking. T o him, God bless him, it toward convincing others that 1 w a he would direct others to help me if the greatcst wonder of all is that I was as simple as that. I have never indeed what they wished me to be I needed it; I was now face to face belong and am a part of all this. with Elizabeth and the job was partly The habit of mentally recalling pact been able to make him understand it, and thought I was. There is only one hers, too. failures, fears, and disgraces can still but I no longer lie sleepless brooding end for this sort of journey up Dyna- I knew, standing there and looking be a little upsetting at times but I over this. I remember that he re- mite Hill-the inevitable explosion. at just me, that that is exactly what find the queen’s advice in Alice in mained with me at times when he NOW 1 had added to the madness of must have despised me. H e didn’t mental confusion, for I tried very hard I was-just me. It struck me that this IVonderlu~rdis excellent: different, separate quality lay within “The horror of that moment,” the have to. to turn this binge into an avenue of To the boys, who were pre-adoles. permanent escape. It didn’t work. each of us and that each of us must king went on, “I shall never forget!” use, freely and gencrousIy, in his own “You will, though,” thc queen said, cent at the time, it was simply that The results were pretty degrading. . “if you don’t make a memorandum ‘ Mother Was Sick. They were won- What I felt I had to face if I ever ‘way, all the good he has within him and simply pray that God will take of it.” derfully understanding and thought- wanted back into the Wonderland of Elizabeth B., ful at the bad times. I think per- AA made me cringe to consider. But away the bad. I have found that this bad decreases within me as I search Fron! Royal, Virginia haps God knew that I could not have would you believe it? I to borne their derision and hatred and crawl back and be song all the beso did not impose it. Well, the story’s loved characters in ~y Wonderland. old and threadbare. You know it any- I look back now and half smile at way. the attitude of my A 4 people toward Let’s go back to me in the first flush me and my trouble. Nobody punished of AA Wonderland. I wanted so me in any way. Nobody implied that desperately to be a part of the miracle I had slipped, faltered, stumbled or of AA. 1 automatically and deter- whatever. I was simply accepted minedly set about to do all the book warmly and given a boost b x k UP said. My AA group gave me a11 of again. It was so practical and u n s themxlvm that they could. God did suming. Just as the duchess said to indeed hear me but I had difficulty Alice, “Tut tut, child. Evetpthinges hearing him. I asked his forgiveness got a moral if only you cm find it.” but could not feel forgiven, ever. After a while I begpn to m l i z

January 1 9 5 4 b

At every meeting look for

Smthing to take Home

a meeting several days A ago, two speakers TTENDING But supposing we are unable to gave me somc- attend a meeting or are unable to con- Chapter Five it says ‘Rarely have we have always fclt that my actions do set thing to take home with me. Most of tact our sponsor or another alcoholic? seen a person fail who has thoroughly an example for thc newcomer so lie us try to listen to the speakers with an Then we have the other guard rail followed our path.’ ” The speaker ex- or sl~cmay follow my path. In hcaring open mind and take something with to hold on to, and that is our spiritual plained that this path set down in our my story they can see hqw the program us that will help us; if we don’t agree help, the Power greater than ourselves. Twelve Steps by the first alcoholics to works for mc: by following the princiwe just set it aside until later when If all clse fails we can put our depend- recovcr pointed the way clearly. As the plcs of AA and trying to practice them we can use it. ence on that Power, and ask for help. newcomer followed that path, hc set to the best of my ability in all my The first speaker said that not only If we depend on our Higher Power an example, following the suggested affairs. This has helped me to become do we have our Twelve Steps but we and sincerely desire help, our prayers Twelve Steps and the principles of AA a sober member of AA. l’oo, I try to also have on each side of the steps will be answered. As it says in the as we try to practice them in all our set an cxample by attendiag many AA ‘ guard rails to hold on to. A guard book Alcoholics Anonymo#~,page 55, affairs. Each newcomer sets the pace meetings, being willing to take part in rail on one side, if we have any indi- “Once more: the alcoholic at certain on that path for the other fellow to group activities, to greet the new- ‘ cation that we might be confused and times has no effective mental defense follow, each one setting an example comers, pour coffee or do anything headed for trouble, is the AA group against the first drink. Except in a few for those coming after him. .necessary to make a successful AA therapy, the A A meeting, and our rare cases neither he nor any other In my opinion we do try to follow rnecting. In so doing I try to set an phone therapy. human being can provide such a de- the older member when we first come example for the newcomer to help In group therapy we meet and talk fense. His defense must come from a to AA. It is thc sober member who rs them to find their sobriety so they too to members of AA, or we listen to the higher Power.” trying to give us this program and we can help the ones yet to come. As I speakers at meetings. In phone therapy The second speaker gave me a new can look to them for guidance and ad- try to follow the path of sobriety I am we call our sponsor or another mem- understanding of the responsibilities vice if we are sincerely honest in our very grateful to AA and all the member of AA, to talk over our problems of a member of AA. He said, “If we desire to stay sober and willing to bers that showed me their path. and try to get our thinking straight. follow our Book, at the beginning af learn to live this way of life. These suggestions helped me as I Betty T.,Los Angeler, Calif.

March 1954

Come on, Girls! I’hrough the years I have listened to a succession of male speakers announce to all and sundry that alcoholism as a disease is no respecter of persons. They have informed me, in varying Jegrees of eloquence, that alcohol is cunning, batlling and powerful; and that anyone of any race, color, creed or sex can become possesscd of tl~istwo-fold malady. They’ve asked mc to believe that “action” is the magic word of our divinely inspired program. They have also assured me that participation in group activity is vitally important. Then, after the applause has subsided, the leader, more often than not a man, blandly announces, “and we also have our lady alcol~olics.” This automatically relegates us to a place in the shade. We feel like squirming microbes vicwcJ through a lens of strained tolerance. Knowing of the remarkable growth of Alcol~olicsAnonymous, one becomes a bit dismayed that more women are not to bc found on the. steering committees or as leaders of our meetings. Happily, the groups whcre one finds such oversights are becoming fewer in numbcr as time goes on. Often have I watched these stccring committees driving their ox-carts hither and yon looking for a male to fill an oftice when within their own membership there is most likely a very capable “lady alcoholic” yearning for the therapy so strongly stressed ih our book. The writer will welcome the day when she can be provcn wrong about this circumstance, and she wishes to remind the gals action is the magic word, so let’s do something about taking out place in AA. Eye-opener, Long Beach, Calif. -,.,

June 1954

practice, especially thc onc about mak- A question was asked at a rnccting ing itmends even when I only do some once: “What is the greatest thing you small wrong thing. (You know how have found in AA besides sobriety?’ hot-headed I am, sometimes.) Answers varied: contentment, hap- “Naturally, I could not admit I am piness, faith, spiritual growth, and so an alcoholic, but I could see there is a on. Perhaps it all can be summed up This Freedom possibility of it. As you suggested, I by saying, “At last we are free.” asked myself if I found (looking Once, according to circumstance, I E have a letter from a college back) that there were increasing num- was compelled: To take a drink, to W s o p h o m o r e who rides big jump- bers and kinds of occasions when I blow my top, to quit my job, to move ing horses, dances many a night away, thought a drink was really needed, I to a new town. Now I am free to and seems about as generous and sel- had to admit there were. Also, I had choose my course in more and more fish, lazy but energetic, tough, and to admit there were times when I areas of living. Once my friends could gentle, and spoiled and blonde as it wanted to drink alone, when there only be drinking men; now they may is possible for one twenty-year-old to was nothing else to do. Yes, I could be, or not, at my choice. Once, if be. She says: see the possibilities, based on what troubled, I could only drink and for- “I had my first drink when I was you told me about alcoholism. But I gd-inviting further troubles. seventeen; my last about six months didn’t want to promise anything; not Now, I may consult a lawyer, a ago. I was never tight but once, and to you or even to myself. priest or preacher, a physician, a pothen not very. But I enjoyed it, I “So I was in doubt, but I just liceman, a member of the Fellowship; . must admit-until the next day. started putting off taking a drink, see a movie, read a new book, p for “Your Twelve Steps interested me just for a day at a time. That was, as a walk, play chess, say a prayer, or very much. Some of them I’ve tried to I said, six months ago. Today, in a “just set,” according to my need and cocktail lounge I ordered a coke, and inclination. answered somebody’s remark about it My choice! Mine, and not out of a by saying, I don’t drink. It was the bottle. first time I’ve ever said it just that Just possibly, in answering the quesway, flatly. And it surprised me be- tions of young drinkers, we need only cause I’m not sure even yet whether to say, “& sober and you’ll be free I don’t drink. Thinking about it, I of many things, many fcars.” realize some of my friends really are No one ever lost a job, stole a car, troubled about drinking. Not that they swallowed a goldfish, insulted a 110sare so bad, but they get out of line tess, forged a check, woke up in a once in a while and are ashamed even strange town with a strange bedfellow, though they may brag about it. It’s beat his wife, or quarrelled with a mixed up. Anyhow, I’m free of all friend, and had for his only excuse: that, and it is a good feeling.” “I’m really not the sort of person who does such things, but I was sober ‘ Significant word: “Free.” Perhaps the most important word for the young at the time.” person, doubtful about his or her po- Thr Golden Galer, Sun Pranrisro, : tential alcoholism. Cali/orrria ‘

July 1954

An Accumulation of Unhappy Events

in my family caused up nursing, hoping to solve my drink- A an accumulation LCOHOLISM of unhappy ing problem. events in my life for the past fifty This enterprise had little beneficial years. To start this grim cycle of empty effect. I continued to drink heavily and years, my mother was an alcoholic. excessively. I was always sick; I was This created in me a fear of life, a experiencing “blackouts”; my hangwithdrawal from realitv, and an ut- overs were frequent and intense. Sooa, terly insecure attitude..~o help my I resorted to morphine to help cure my mother, we traveled the world and fi- terrible hangovers. Iatcr, I became adnally settled in California. The ulti- dicted to heroin, and it almost killed mate separation of my parents left me me. This addiction caused a recurrence . even more insecure, unsettled and dis. of arrested TB. Spending several mayed. I married young, thoroughly months in a sanatorium, I was able to despising liquor for splitting my fam- lose my addiction. ily. Released from the sanatorium, I Nevertheless, I took my first drink moved to Southern California. My in 1918, realizing even then that I health was poor; there was no immecould never drink socially. Within diate prospect for a happy life; I had three years, I had lost my home, my difficulty adjusting to new jurroundhusband, and was separated from my ings and circumstances. A year later, two children. I went downhill fast, I started drinking again, but with no working in various cafes as an enter- apparent disastrous effects. As the years tainer, drinking being an integral part passed, however, continued heavy of my life. 1 was arrested twice, slip drinking warped my personality and ping deeper into despair as time went character. I acquired a selfish attitude; on. Foreseeing the consequences, I to& I became dishonat, despondent, and

bewildered. I blamed everything and back to glatious sobriety through mem- unchanged and unaltered in precept or everybody for the troubles fermenting bership in AA. goal, will work for them if they faithwithin my heart and soul. ~f&r five months of sobriety, I con- fully practice AA principles, irusmuch In 1939, in a drunken stupor, I tacted a friend, and it was suggested as the same basic personality problems, walked in front of an auto. Suffering that I become more intimatcly ac- mental disturbances, and chancter deserious injuries, I was hospitalized for quainted with AA members. Although ficiencies are essentially ,the underlynine months. This could have been I did not want to drink anymore, I ing cause of either alcoholism or drug the turning point in my life. I almost was not yet convinced I was an alco- addiction. This is just my personal accepted the challenge offered me as holic. ~ t t e n d i nan ~ AA Dance one opinion, but it has worked for me and a result of those long months of medi- Saturday night, I was invited to attend is working for many others whom I tation and reflection. While I was still a meeting on Monday. Doing so, I lis- have helped and with whom I am achospidized, my youngest son had vol- tained financial security, had every- tened to a speaker who made a power- quainted. unteered to serve in the Eagle Squad- thing I needed for a sober life. It was ful impression on me. I followed his Today, thank God, I am happy, soron. Friends drove me to the airport too good to last. I became a secret suggestions, keeping an open mind, be- ber, and have a new understanding and to bid him goodbye. I was still helpless drinker, and became addicted to the coming willing to attend meetings fre- appreciation of life. In 1952, I visited and crippled. I needed false courage narcotic effectof muscatel wine. Work- quently, reading the AA Book, trying my mother in Montana, after a s e p to face this parting under such critical ing hard each day, drinking nights to work the suggested Twelve Steps to ration of thirty-six years. I was instrucircumstances. Easily, I permitted whis. and weekends, feeling low in spirits, recovery, finding many true and sym- mental in bringing her into AA, as a key to bolster my courage. I was drunk needing pep for the daily grind, I be- pathetic friends in AA. I met and mar. “loner.” Now, my oldest son and his when I patted with my son, and I came addicted to benzedrine. The com- ried a member of AA. family are proud and happy to see the never snw.him again. He was killed in bination of benzedrine and muscatel My marriage helped me even more complete change in my life. My years action four honths later. When this was truly a nightmare. This lasted in my efforts to find and preserve an of unhappines and frustration have happened, dl hope disintegrated. I nearly five years. Despite spasmodic ef- absolute sobriety. My husband had a prompted me to dedicate my life to lived in a wild nightmare for over four forts, I could not stop my course of double problem-sedatives and whis- helping others who have been dependyears, escaping life and its problems in action. I became increasingly fright- key-and had been sober seven months ing upon alcohol and/or drugs to susa sea of alcohol. ened, resentful, hostile, and suffered when we married. Before that, it had tain them through life. In 1945, I attended an AA meeting frequent blackouts. Through d l this, I taken him over three years to find so- I now have faith in a Power greater with a friend. Altho1vgh interested, I dragged myself to work each day. briety, even with AA, because of his than myself; I stay sober one day at felt I did not need tbis program. A yru By now, I was licked, full of self- combination problem. Going deeper a time; I try to help others who still later, my friend stopped attending pity, lonesome and bitter. Leaving my into the AA program, we combined suffer; I try to gain an understanding metiap, and a short time .go she position, 1 spent the money I had our efforts to assist others who were of the problem so prevalent todaydied, d d i to sleeping pills and d- saved, drinking until I reached the similarly a c t e d with this dual addic- the use of drugs as a substitute for &l. Looking back, I know I owe point of no return in preparation to tion. alcohol. I pray I may continue to carry . this woman my life, as it was through end my life, a fitting conclusion to a In 1951, I started a small informal the message of hope to others; I live her that I initially found AA. miserable existence. But, on the 11th group of alcoholics also addicted to to the best of my ability by the prin- I realized n& that I must make a of December 1949, I took my ‘last drugs. For three years I have devoted ciples and traditions of AA, carrying change in my way of living, but I knew drink. I had a spiritual experience my time and efforts to trying to help the message to alcoholics and addicts I must first alter my thinking patterns. quite impossible to describe. The Pow- those who had a two-fold addiction in society and in prisons throughout I attended a Medical Secretarial er greater than myself had penetrated problem, those who substituted drugs the country. In this way, my own so- Course, moved away from old entice- my tortured heart at the last moment, for alcohol, and vice versa. My work briety is assured for the rest of my life. ments, #cured a good position, at- and His Spirit led me slowly but surely indicated that the principles of AA, B. T., Santa Monica, California

August 1954

“Tin all you, HANK Judge.” I say that They came-two charming girls-and sincerity, I who always the way they tossed the word “alco-

A Victim of Circumstances have felt that judges and cops were monsters who took some kind of distorted pleasure in displaying their holic” around and the stories they told me-well, they were either disgustingly honest or damn good liars. The authority ‘over drunks. twenty questions? Sure 1 answered When that dear little judge in San them, all but one I answered in the Diego got tired of seeing me before affirmative. Alcoholic? Not m e 4 0 him so many times and told me I’d heck with twenty questions, girlsbetter get in contact with AA and try don’t tell me how to quit drinkingto straighten myself out, or there tell me how to drink like a lady. would be more drastic measures taken When I was fifteen years old I drank -I little realized he was doing me a for the first time (blacked out, too) great favor. and I’d been trying ever since to accomplish the “Art of Social Drink- I’d heard of AA, it, fact it had been ing.” As for those twenty questions, suggested to me, but I didn’t feel that there were exceptions to all rules, and I was eligible. AA was for people that I’d prove there was to this too. were in such dire circumstances that they had no where else to turn. Of They took me to meetings, I talked course, I could no longer hold a job. to this one and that one, but I was I’d been kicked out of Civil Service, fighting desperately to prove I was not had lost a good job with the Post an alcoholic. I was in a lot of trouble Office and now couldn’t even hold a at the time; so I tried staying close job in a third rate restaurant. I was in even though I was sure it wouldn’t Police Court four to five times a work. Believe me when I say those week, I only weighed about 90 pounds first days in AA were terrific not only (on a 5’ 7″ frame that doesn’t look for me, but for those who tried to good.) There were days in my life sponsor me. that were total blanks. It was nothing I was in and out, up and down. for me to wake up and wonder what Every time I had trouble I’d go back, day it was or what town it was, and something kept drawing me back, at sometimes what state it was. Dire the time I didn’t know what. Did I circumstances? I should say not-I prove my exception to the rule? Well, maintained I was a “victim of circum- I proved something, at least the next stance.” The folks I knew seemed to time the twenty questions p w c d my take pleasure in persecuting me. How way (several years later) I answered insane can one become? all twenty in the Pffirmative. Out of fear of what might happen, Finally circumstances brought me however, I complied with the dear back to the middle west where I’d judge’s wishes and contacted AA. been born and raised. For awhile I

did hne. 1 was going to show ‘an. w~s sobcr, and for, thc first time in all invisible dangers. It is not AA t11.1t “While you’re grcen you’re growing; U I ~Shot Me-l showcd ’em all right. h e time I’d been in AA that was a11 failed should that happen. for the light when you’re ripe you’re rotten.” It is :-,,ne flip I took was really a dilly. I that mattered. Gonc wcre the regrets of it shall always burn, but I who a constant prayer that I may always t drdn’t go back to A A right away, of the amount of sobriety I could have failed because once more I lookcd for remain green as grass in spring, for ,either. Those characters that had so had, had I stayed sobcr from the be- a short-cut. today I’m sober, and today I have so many years of sobriety weren’t going ginning. Gone werc the resentments I’m only a child, still crawling, but I many lessons to learn. ‘- to look down their noses at me. Re- of the guys and girls who had enjoyed likc to remember something that I Once more I say “Thank you. Judg.” 1. sentments? There werc many. long years of sobriety; certainly it was heard a man in San Diego once say, S. L. K., Sourhertz Minnesofa : At last I sneaked back for a few no fault of theirs that I had not. So meetings. Then boom-a drunk driv- 1 came home, and whcn I walkcd in – ing charge. By now I was really desperate.- 1 had to figure out a way to the meeting hall that night I knew I was really home for the first time. .. stay sober. The answer was, of course, It is no longer important that I was . AA combined with antabuse.. Others sober yesterday, or that I’m sobcr to- -could stay sober for many happy and morrow, but just for today. I like to .-‘long years, but I was different. I fcei that the scales are beginning to needed that added crutch. I stayed balance. The good I’ve received from ” sober all right, but 1 realize now it was AA (even when I was at my worst) more out of fear of drinking with is far out in front of anything I’ve antabu abuse in my system than the true ever had before. k* desire to say sober. Finally the day T o me AA is a lighthouse. Just .came when l ‘ r q l i t e d that I couldn’t as the lighthouse guides the ships ,,take antabuse forever; that might be from unseen dangers in the night; x dangerous. I ,talked it’over with my- so the AA lighthouse guides me ., self, and with my loving husband, and from the rocks and sandbars that a he with words of wisdom realized that are invisible to me as I journey through the decision had to be my own; so this good old world. But the AA light- ,after days and even weeks of struggle house is burning twenty-four hours a I quit taking antabuse. day, and as long as I follow its steady Gradually the tension tightened, and beam then I may travel safely. W e * the main spring grew tighter, and after have all been shipwrecked many times ‘ a number of weekBOOM-this before AA, and have been dashed , time a trip to the State Hospital. I against those unseen dangers, and stayed one week of the six I agreed to floundered about until it seemed we ‘stay on my arrival. In those seven would be tossed into the abyss. Even ‘ miserable days spent there I’d found now if I falter to look behind for too .,ou out some thing. A A didn’t need me, long. or I think I can find a safe shortbut I certainly needed AA; so what if cut through those dangerous rocks, I never enjoyed uninterrupted sobriety, that the test of time lus proven to be 9.at I w t I no longer suffered from treacherous. then once more shall I be ‘ untinterrupted drunkenness. Today I dashed ag~instthe cold fury of those

November 1954

alive. My hands we= shaking, my 1 wrs watchmg from my window thoughts so onbarable I just knew when the couple who were to be my that I could never live through the day sponsors came. I was terrified. A without a drink or preferably a lot ot thousand excuses ran through my them. mind. How could I get rid of them? I staggered into the bathroom where What was I getting myself into?

I h twrse r when, A.M. I. 3:00 the day after for the first time in I was overtaken by p x y m s of dry retching. I wiped my streaming eyes These were the ogres who would rule my life from now on . . . forever. I my lifc, I wrs completely honcst with and groped my way back to the tele- would never again draw a free bmth. ~ y ~ l f1 .admittcd I was an alcoholic phone. Again I called AA. After I was caught with no way out! . u d ~ltatI was powcrlcss over liquor. prolonged ringing the operator an- I opened the door with my beart in In thc throes of a first-class hangovcr, swered. my mouth. I was appalled! Far f m my wltolc world came crashing down “I want to talk to someone,” I thc horrible monsters I expected, here .~routdmy cars. Some power greater stammered. She told me she was we= two quite ordinary peopIc–but tltm niysclf must have been watching done at the switchboard and couldn’t w~tha difference-they weryhappy ! ovcr me, for that morning at six, be- talk, but could she have someone call Their smiles were so mntagiaus thrt, low niy husband could say a word, I as bad as I felt, I smiled too. It was me? I gave her my aunc and phone told him I knew that liquor was wrcck- number. a weak and shaky smile, but it passed! ing my lifc and the lives of those For the first few minutes I was painaround me, and I was through drink- ‘ The half hour that followed was pure hell. I dressed and combcd my fully ill at case. I wasn’t used to talk- ~ng. It was the best decision I ever ing to people without a couple of ~nadc. Hc told me that it was a good hair, grabbed a broom and attacked my neglected house. I longed for the drinks inside and a glass in my hand. thing 1 had decided to do so as this However, my alcoholic hospitality came was thc end, he was through, I would phone to ring, yet drcaded.it. . There must bve been a spark of to the rescue and I offered coffee. After lose him, my son and my home. I that conversation was easier. told him that I was going to call AA i pride I d t in me for when the secretary of the loal group called to say that Perhaps I had a better grasp than for help. As a social drinker, he thought this Was a Out. He – ‘ a couple would call on me around the average person of the purpose of needed pickup, I called AA the min- eleven, I knew that I would never AA. For years I had m d every utide believed that all it took to quit was ute he was out the door, H ~ ~ let~anyone ~sober see ~ my house , determination. But I knew I needed t h r e was a difference this.timc. nis in the I could find on alcoholism, mainly to help. Alone I could never attain so- time I was on the condition it was in. I was physically congratulate myself that I, of d l peoof right. and mentally so ill that it was p w ple, was definitely not alcoholic. How bricty. Even if I did I would be un- lt was about 8:00 in torture, but I managed to make it pre- stupid can you be? and of the fact that when I first called to M. My head different sentable. My sponsors-to-be explained the other people, and went down as the phone rang and rang . could not h d a normal existence with with no answer. I tried to tell myself The sectetary, a most wonderfully principles of AA and told me a few alcohol as a part of it. compassionate and understanding per- of their past experiences. Why, they it was a will stronger than my own, son, gave me her phone number and had done things as foolish and evil u Using the same determination and it was fate that there was no answer. told me to call her whenever things I had-yet here they were sokr and cussedness to get my own way that 1 I went back to the kitchen, my brain ‘ happy! 1 didn’t make sense. But it got too rough. I felt sorry for her used to employ to get that much whirling, the most miserable person that day as I burned up the wires be- did give me a ray of hope. Maybe, tween her house and mine. I had if it worked for them it wodd work made a frimd. for me. It gave me something to t h i i

about, for the first time. self-respect. 1 felt a little better. They made arrangements for me to That first meeting was r revelation attend a dosed meeting that evening. to me. Never in my life had I seen .~ l s othey gave me the phone numbers such a group of sober, happy people. of other members. Now I had three In that first split second I knew I had ir~cnds. come home. These were my kind of That afternoon I read the literature people. Friendly and uncritical. The they left me. I took the rest of the day kind of people I would pick to go on five minutes to half an hour at a time. a party with. They had humor and I called and talked to some of the humaneness. But, best of dl,they had members I had never met. Each gave serenity and they were sobec. me sympathy, understanding and en- That evaring at table one I found couragement. All day I backed and I was an alcoholic without r doubt. filed about going to the meeting. Of all the questions there were only When my husband came home he was three that I wasn’t guilty of. I didn’t a great help to me in making my de- prefer to drink done and I had never cision. I felt too bad. Wait until I been treated by a physician or hospifelt better. The’meeting was too late talized for alcoholism. When the meetand I needed my rest. Anyway, I ing broke up I had more friends than wasn’t ready. I could lick the habit I could count. alone. Just exactly what I wanted to On the way home my new friend hear. The perfect excuses. That is, all and I stopped at a restaurant and disbut the last one-I could lick the habit cussed what we had learned at the alone. meeting. I told her things about my- When a girl came to drive me to the self that I was so ashamed of I had meeting she talked to him. 1 am afraid never even admitted them to God. It that not a word of it sank in. She was as though a g m t burden had been asked him if there were a pill which lifted. I could see a whole new horiwould cure me, would he consent ? He zon opening before me. said that would be fine. She told him That night I slept little. I said a that it was too bad medical science little prayer of thanksgiving to the hadn’t produced one yet but AA had Almighty. It was the first sincere helped hundreds of thousands. He was prayer I had said in I lay still sceptical. That night without rea- sleepless but unlike previous nights lizing it, I started on a progam. I my head was so full of what I had didn’t want to go to that meeting but learned at the meeting that there was it was now or never. Knowing I was no room for remorseful thinking. For displeasing my husband and making the first time in my life I was not my child very unhappy, I went any- afraid. For the very first time I dared way. The girl talked to me on the to be just a little bit happy. drive and I began to gain a crumb of G.S., Seattle, Wasbington

December 1954

w l ~ . ~ thad 11.1pl~cnctlto Santa Claus, ;lllolJlcr what had happcncd to the faith and this is :il

er Vzrgznza lovc that the cditor of a big newspaper had assurcd his young correspondcnt still cxistcd and would live into tile othcr Yi This I forcvcr in the hearts of mcn. The O I ~ ,to world was bleak, and held nothing last, Lhar for this other Virginia but broken we have dreams. The future promised even lcss. For pcrt An eternity of disillusionment yawned we may ahcad. Her only refuge was a bottle. give of With it, she could still conjure up vi- rial trinl sions of long-ago Yuletides when scribble “peace on earth, good will to men” store at were not just words and “Merry first thin Christmas” was not a mockery. the neao That bitter, heartsick Virginia who our duty huddled over a bottle in a dreary hotel money o room four Christmases ago did come mentally to believe in Santa Claus once again, would b and she found him through the fellow- sumptior ship of Alcoholirs Anonymous. Her someone proof of his existence was not the fact have all that it was printed in the columns of Santa CI a newspaper. It was in the shining. this Chr serene faces of the hundreds of other surable v I men and women who had found rc- everlastif lease frorn bondage through AA’s Just a Twelve Steps of recovery. They offered has brou, ;it1existed as certainly as love and gener- radiant evihence that ~ h t alau us and banded 1 di- osity and devotion existed.. Nobody love and faith and hope still existed. fellowsh~ im saw him, but that was no proof of his It all happened to me. You see, I might be Ier non-existence. The most real things, in was that other Virginia. neither + in the world, the Sun editor told Virginia, This is no season for digging u p we? Th were those that neither children nor sordid memories, for resurrecting us all, tl r d men could see. Santa Claw lives, and ghosts of a past that is gone and much AAs eve n e he lives forever. .better forgotten. If I had never come sincerity, ‘6. Only a few years ago another Vir- ‘ t o shudder at the sight of alcohol, if Comrade IS” ginia-this time a grown-up, world- it had not made my life completely un- that shoj he weary Virginia -wondered cynically manageable, I would not be among the for each people of AA, my cbosen people, as And r

ward cvi~lcnceof tl~oscinncr treasures Ncvcr .~,+n ~ l c dwe w.di alone. All AA has brought US—peace of minal, of us, like Virginia, have comc to becontentmcnt, sell-rcspcct, asccptnnce ol’ lieve again in Santa Claus. God’s will for us, reg.~rd for tic Let us, tl~cn,with full and Ilunlble rights and fccli~~gs of o h x s , toler- hearts enter into tllc spirit of Christance, sympathy, slccp tli.11 conies nl- mas. Lct us rid our hcarts ol malice most the momcnt our hcacls touch the and rescritrncnt and rcplnce thcrn with pillow, healthy appetitcs, good diges- love and faith. Let us clasp the hand tions. of the pcrson next to us, and bid him There must be many today who tllc scason’s greetings straight from count thcir weallh in millions who the heart! would pay inconceivable sums for thesc Thc New Year pauscs impatiently gifts which are ours this Christmas on the threshold, waiting to enter to . . . and all our lives through as long help erase the sorrow and disillusionas we take daily the prescription which ment that have stained previous years. brought them to us. It can remain bright and shining only W e of AA do not keep our Christ- if we do our part in keeping it so. mas alone; never again need we know l l e year 1955 is God’s Christmas gift tliat aching loneliness which once to the world. Let us not disappoint shrouded us. W e have each other for Him comfort and for strength, and we have V . E., Hyde Park 111 Group learned the magic of togetherness. Chicago, Illinois

–

times a p r . The doctors labeled me thirteen months I stayed in the same u as “emotionally immature” each visit old pattern of drinking and confusion. Life Begins I made. Each time I would leave the Then I thought if we moved to anhospital I would make faithful prom- other town I would be all right. A ises that I would never drink again, new start, I said. I was sure this WBS but as soon as things didn’t go exactly the answer. We moved bur I took mpas I wanted them I would get drunk. self along. By this time my alcoholism you were to visit a tuberdar sana- Then it was on the wagon, off the had reached an acute stage and I was I tarium F and hear a young patient wagon, with the first little upset call- put in another hospital, this time in a ing for that first little drink. I really psycho ward. I spent seven weeks in say, “I’m glad I’m tubercular,” you would probably be shocked. Yet I have did not dream I was an alcoholic then, this hospital but they could not find valid reasons for being happy with a and neither did my family consider my anything seriously wrong with me. My disease which can be just as deadly as problem an alcoholic one. A young problem was still “emotional immatuberculosis. woman of my age at my social level turity.” After this hospital I resumed My introduction to John Barleycorn alcoholic? Impossible! But, of course, the pattern of drinking and running. was one of those things you call “love I know now that I was, right from One day the phone rang. It was an at first sight.” W e belonged together the start. old friend of mine from out of town from the very start, and we remained As the months and years rolled by whom I had not seen in a long time. constant lovers for, eight agonizing it seemed I could no longer tell the She said she was going to be in town years. truth. I had set up a pattern of think- for several days and would be out to. I was nineteen years old when I took ing that was as impenetrable as a see me. my first drink. I was not visibly differ- brick wall. I would tell needless lies The next day we talked at first for ent from thousands of other young about myself rather than tell the truth hours about everything in the world coeds attending universities over the which would have been so much more but drinking. And then, I don’t know simple. I was sinking lower and lower what it was that made me tell her the . country. My sorority was socially tops. hline was a good home environment. into the depths of self-pity; but, worse, story of the living hell I had known I had every reason in the world to be I was losing my own self-respect. the past few years, but I did and her happy and I was happy-until I agreed After leaving school I decided that friendliness and interest were. a warm travel would be the solution. But welcome. She said she could un- , I t o be a good sport and have just “one little drink.” every place I ran, I made a mistake: I derstand exactly what I was going – Within n year from the time I took + took myself with me. And myself was through. Then she told me her story. that first drink, I had to have a drink not a very nice companion. The story of how she had come to in the morning to start my day. I had Travel having failed, I decided that Alcoholics Anonymous three years ago. also begun to try to hide the fact that settling down would be the answer. I sat for hours and listened. She I was drinking too much. At parties, Even before our marriage, my husband seemed so happy and relaxed, so pice: I was “on the wagon.” N o one knew was aware of my emotional instability ful and so alive. . I had been well-fortified by numerous but was at a loss as to what should be I went to my first AA meeting ex- . straight shots before I arrived. O r did done. Neither of us thou~htmy symp- tremely confused and physically sick. they? In my confused mind, my toms marked me as an alcoholic. since The first weeks and months in A h moods, resentments and anxieties were we were not accustomed to the thou~ht were full of fear-and hope. I was growing day by day. of alcoholism as a disease. The next fi~hting my wag aginst the bottle. It wasn’t long before I was in and out of hospitals at least four or five

At first it wasn’t easy. Through the unh~ppy. I have learned that the past constant I~elpof my AA friends, I is gone and the future is only 3 dream. kept driving myself to those meetings. I know what I did yesterday is not I wasn’t alone. important, but what I do today is Suddenly I found I was beginning important. I no longer run away from to have what I called and referred to life. I can now live each day with an as my “good days,” about two good opportunity to help someone else who days every week. These good days may be suffering the same tortures I were filled with hope, serenity, a clear did. I have regained my old friends mind and calmness. Then gradually and have made many new friends. those good days turned into good And best of all, I have learned to live weeks. I began to quit fighting every- with myself sober. thing, including myself. I began to Now I am twenty-seven years old listen and I began to learn. and I am lucky because I am young I learned that I can live only one and have found this wonderful way of day at a time. If I want to feel sorry life and most of it lies ahead if I don’t for myself and let negative thinking take that first drink. creep into my life, I can surely be Betty E., Dallas, Texas

June 1 9 5 5

my drinking pattern for as many years reality a blur, nothing solid to dinS as I can recall. to, willful and fearful. I had to step Then five years ago, I sought help down at the end of every “run.” It ‘ and found the answers to my many may be symbolic that I left this parquestions, at my first AA meeting. ticular train some miles short of the The speakers neither drank nor be- division point. for I stopped my drinkhaved as I did but our thought proc- ing too, some fifth short of probablc esses, guilt feelings and fears were destruction. fantastically alike. Through some Through the help of Alcoholics miracle, I was able to draw the paral- Anonymous, I didn’t need to go the lel. If I wanted sobriety, I need but entire frightening distance. follow the path so ably engineered by Today, I have ;1 measure of sclfthese recovered alcoholics and accept respect. I have a feeling of belonging. the help they offered. of being needed. My heart is so full The decision to follow the AA way of gratitude to the AA fellowship that of life was my first step up in twenty there is no longer any room for the yeus. fears and resentments of yesterday. In retrospect it appears that I was L~st,but not least, I am secure in the -, constantly on a fast-moving freight, love of my eisht-year-old grandson. S manifestprecariously 1mNG on top of a Some three hours later the train freight train, high-balling stopped for water. I stepped down my h a d in the clouds, the world of Aclrielrrre B.. Al/deu,t, G l i f o i n i ~

through Arizona, I was completely ab- and, with the gang, headed for the sorbed with the problem of a drink: combination bar and pool-room. Fiftyhow to drink from a pint and still two miles further was the division ‘ clutch madly at the cat-walk I straddled point. I didn’t choose to go the full I was terrified. It took mental anti route. What I was looking for, a I’ . physical maneuvering, a devil-may- drink, was in this whistle stop. A care about-face and-you guessed it. Being a “top flight” passenger of I drank heartily, throwing a11 caution this train was just another escapade ” to the hot,’ dry winds. that brought me closer to the safety I could very well have been con- and security of the AA program. ,

‘” templating the next milestone in my As an employee of the railroad, I own life. Soon I was to be a grand- was to lire and cook on the bridge- * mother for the hrst time, providing gang work train. As an alcoholic, I of course, I hung on tight (no pun rode on top with the “pndy dancers.” intended) and arrived without incident This eagerness to do the unusual and at the division’s end. spectacular was part and parcel of

July 1 9 5 5

great overwhelming loneliness, the lost- night but I seldom ate much of it. My ness, the shune. husband and children. in considera- I can only tell you what I am, for tion and courtesy, would behave as if I u n an alcoholic. My pattern may be everything were normal. But oh! altogether different from yours . . . how I would skillfully avoid each day it may be identical. I made no pub- referring to the dinner conversation lic spectacle of myself. I made no of the night before. You see, I didn’t jails, no hospitals, and I lost nothing remember any of it, and I didn’t want tangible, but I am an alcoholic. them to know. Every morning I I lost nothing tangible. I was awakened with a pounding head, but rich in tangible. I had a wonderful never a word did I say about it. Much husband, two beautiful children, an ado I made of leaping out of bed witb attractive home, a well laden table; a glad cry, insisting what a wonderbut believe me, it is possible to be an ful day it was. alcoholic and still be rich in tangibles, When my husband and I went out for those are the last things to go. socially, no one could have conducted It is the intangibles which drain herself with more decorum and digaway day by day, hour by hour, min- nity. At the country club, people all ute by lonely minute: self respect, around me got drunk, got mad, fell dignity, poise, joy, happiness-all of down, cried-the usual country club the qualities which the human spirit non-alcoholic “funu-while I, from must possess in order to accept the my ivory tower, sipped carefully at my wonders and blessings of life as well second highball and surveyed the field as “the slings and arrows of out- with fine contempt and scorn. At a rageous fortune.” meeting in North Hollywood recently, What was my pattern? I heard an excellent speaker say that his rig over a cliff; it might be an executive who I drank all day long, starting usu- in his opinion the alcoholic is the plans his appointments at lunch or the cocktail ally at about ten-thirty in the morn- “controlled” drinker; the red nonhour in order to give an acceptable aspect to his ing. alcoholic doesn’t wen have to think compulsion; it might be that lawyer who jumped What excuses did I make to myself about it. off the Golden Gate Bridge a month or so ago- for doing this? All my friends thought of me as a and it might be that housewife, like me, who, in I was bored and lonely. I had never gay, madcap, unpredictable creaturethe dark watches of the night when her husband and lived in a small town before, and I and you can bet your last hangover children are asleep, and the house is still, is pos- hated it. I believed the population to that I did everything in my power sessed by that loneliness she has held at bay all day. be made up of stupid fools with no to live up to their evaluation. And I It is pushing her brain, and bursting out of her intellectual interests. I was wasted kept myself from thinking by much heart, and she is asking why? Why? Why do I do here-rare, interesting, intellectual me. scurrying around; by taking up new this? And the quiet house does not answer and the When my husband came home interests (French lessons, university clock ticks on, and somewhere in the night a dog from the ofice at night, we would courses) and of course dropping them. barks. but there is no answer to her question, only the have martinis before dinner. Some- In friendships I was like a fisherman how, I managed to get dinner every who, after hauling in and storing his

silver catch, must mend his nets so that liness, the attitude of acceptance of me second gin and tonic. I ordered lunch, lurkcd an arrogant doubt. Tell me next time we won’t lose so many fish. for what I was, made me feel that I enjoyed it, and went home. But here now you do not think I m an alcn- After every party, I must telephone or had at last come home, that I was no is where alcohol took over; herc, holic, and I will meet you at twcnty go to see my hostess, and rmke gay longer an alien in an alien land. friend, is where I plunged into thc paces to defend my conviction. li&thevted chatter about the night Miraculously, all the intangibles I had old quagmire of guilt and loneliness My life has been blessed and enbefore, just to assure myself that my lost along the way were restored to and despair. On the way home, 1 riched in many many ways during insecurity, my pariah complex, my me. For the first time in many months bought a pint of gin, and when I was these past seven months. Each day, loneliness, wasn’t showing through. I felt part of the human race and not half way through it, I called AA. many times a day, I give spontaneous But those dark watches of the night just a wraith on the shadowy fringe. A lovely women came to see me. thanks for all my wealth of intangbecame too much for me to bear. The The cloud I inhabited for the next My thinking was all fouled up, but I ibles, and for the constancy of my looks with which my husband and three months was beyond all descrip- wasn’t tottering, or physically sick. tangibles. children began to greet me-looks of tion for beauty and one-ness with the All of my sickness was in my heart Perhaps the finest gift I have reappraisal which clearly said to me universe. Overnight I had been trans- and head, and she said to me: “Think ceived came from my sixteen year “are you drunk again?”–became too formed. Everything had a pristine of it this way. While slips are not old son who said to me recently, hard to face. A11 of my days, as well quality like the first day of Creation. necessary, and we each pray and hope “Mom, 1 used to think AA was just as my nights, became filled with Then something happened. At the we won’t have one, perhaps in your a way to help people stop drinking. worry-ah, with despair-about what time I blamed it on some non-alco- case there was something more you Now that I’ve watched you, and ‘ I was doing to myself and my family holic (their evaluation, not mine) needed to learn, and this was how listened to what you are learning in by this senseless, useless need to friends who filled me with sudden you had to learn it.” AA, I think of it as a beautiful drink. , uncertainties. The old doubt assailed That night I went to a meetins. garden. Not drinking is just a wall Like every &er alcoholic who is me: was I an alcoholic? So I set abont Everything was there waiting for me you have to get through. When you secretly worrying h u t his problem, finding out. I was, conveniently, out again-the peace I had prayed for, get through the wall, you still have I read everything I coidd find on the of town when I had what AAs call lived with, and depended on for three to work to keep it beautiful, but at subject of alcoholism. You under- a “slip.” It was just a little one, months, and all my good friends in least you are on the other side.” staad, of course, that this was a purely friend-I’m modest about it. It wasn’t A A. Thank you, all of you. for helping objective intellectual interest, and had a grand, tremendous, riproaring slip That was seven months ago. I me into the garden. I hope I s h d nothing to do with me personally. -just a little one, not much, but think I know now what I had to remain here. And you, newcomer; And then b t May I read a book mine own. It lasted only one day . . . learn. I had accepted intellectually come share it. Come help us work to,:. of alcoholic experiences written by a but it might as well have lasted three that I was an alcoholic, but in some keep it beautiful. – .I woman who had had to reach a very months, because guess what went dark corner of my heart there still Anonymour, Napa, California low level of spiritual, mental and phy- first? First went all the intangibles, sical degradation before she sought and in their place all the uncertainties, help. On my own, the evening of the all the loneliness, enveloped me again. day I finished reading the book, I and I was once more on the shadowy went to my first meeting. It was a fringe, unable to communicate. , c l d meeting, for I at last admitted It started out with the quality of my alcoholism. innocence. Before dinner one evening, I didn’t talk; I just listened. Some- I ordered a gin and tonic. Then I one said, “an alcoholic is the loneliest ordered dinner, enjoyed it, and went penon in the world.” That remark, home. Before lunch the next day, I . combined with the spontaneous friend- ordered a gin and tonic and then a

October 1955 6:-

blacked oat early in the evening, be- good one, too) to makt me ste that 1-i cmse i; is a complete bhnk to me .dcoholism could and should be con-

. b e Delayed Reaction until my rude awakening at the hospi- sidered as a three-fold illness, of the tal. Std: 1 was not humbled, or wen mind, the body, and the soul. frightened. I like to think that I lost my pride, A case of being truly Instezd I began giving everybody and regained my self-respect, in AA. orders, and bawled out the sheriff who Because I was proud of all the wrong better late than never was trying to question me. “You are things-proud of my s h q tongue; now addressing a lady-remove your proud of my abiIity to charm people night about ten years ago I behind him, in AA, while I am just NE hat!”-I told him from my horitontal (although sometimes when I thought . ‘ 0 staggered up a flight of stairs completing my first year of sobriety position on the operating table. Funny? I was at my most charming, I was, I Not v e q but at the time I thought I regret to state, drunk) ; proud of my into MAA meeting room in Baltimore. I was still drunk, but able to . . . for the second time. was well within my rights and added insistence on bending other people to After I had been going to meetings navigate under my own steam. Per- for a month or two, I had a bad re- a few remarks about how he was a my will; proud of my airy disregard haps that was always my trouble, think- lapx and came to in the hospital, acci- servant of the public and next year of unpaid bills (I thought it indicated ing I was able to navigate under my dent ward. 1 had met a friend in the was election year, so he would do well the artistic temperament) ; and proud own sten, without help of any kind, bar of the local hotel, and we had been to remember it, etc.-all of which only of what I fondly thought of as my and without guidance. drinking double martinis. I must have speeded up my path to the local looks and sex-appeal. It was quite a The people in that room were kind- Botille. shock to me when I was in a bar one n e s itself to me. Thev washed- mv Of course I was indignant, and after afternoon and a young soldier adface, fed me black co&, somebody –I numerous telephone calls I managed dressed me as “Ma”! I was so imrook me out for-a sandwich, brought to get things so arranged that I was mature, emotionally, that I really me back, and we all grouped around spared the embarrassment of appear- thought Father Time would W d still the piano and sang songs. When I left ing in court the next day. This also for me, but for nobody else. All the I promised to come back for a meet- spared rn? family a great deal of em- grandiose plans made when I was in ing, but I never kept that date until barrassment. I think now that if I my cups were things I was p i n g to about five pevl later, md then I was had been made to take my punishment do “some time”-when I got sober in another city, and married (for the along with all the other drunks it .md felt like it. second time) to mother alcoholic. might p v i b l y have speeded up my After a series of dwastati& epi- I went into AA at that time osten- entry into .{A, although my inteflec- sodes, I had the good fortune to come sibly for myself, but in reality, as I tud snobbery was such that this is under the understanding gaze of now rrPlw, in order to show my hus- doubtful. great and good psychiatrist. He wasn’t band that I could stay sober although I snorted indignantly whenever any- rough with me, but he nhde me xe he could not, and “rub his nose in it.” body mentioned AA. “Bunch of how i m m m I w3s; and how much If there w u e ~ e tan illustration of the evangelists,” I said. “Hitting the saw- I owed to AA. This was after I had maxim that you cannot use AA for a . dust trail . . . not for me.” Well, it rolled up two and one-half y#n of wicked purpose, this was it, beorusc wasn’t for me, then, but it is now. It sobriety in AA, only to decide that I today my husband who had drunk too took me seven1 years of losing jobs, wasn’t really an alcoholic, after all; much too of- for over thirty years, losing friends, making enemies, losing that I was too intelligent to accept all has 6vc and one-half years of sobriety my looks. and the combined efforts of those slogans on the wall: “Easy Does family, friends, and a psychiatrist (a It”-“Lire and Let L~ve”-“Twenty-

Four Hours a Day,” and “Think.” provided me with an excellent excuse “Why dont you go back to AA?” -not that I ever needed one–for he asked me. “I am sure there must pitching a good one. be other women like you, who don’t Most important of all I, the person like the slogans and some of the liter- who had always sneered at slogans ature, yet who need help, too. and at people who needed them, found “There is no greater raipe for suc- myself clinging like a limpet to the ressful and happy living,” he told me, Serenity Prayer ! I cannot change some “than to try to live only one day at a of the circumstances of my life; I cantime; and to keep so busy, particularly not change other people; but I can and busy helping others, that you have no will change myself, and my response time to consider how unhappy you to situations and peop1e. arc.” After the htst few times, it gets I thought it over, and decided that easier and easier to admit that possibly perhaps he was right, and that I would I might be wrong, in my attitude and try it. I wish I could say that it was approach; md it gets easier to :say all smooth sailing after that, but it that I was wrong; and best of all, it wasn’t. It took me about six months gets easier day by day to do something of floundering to get started again. about it! Today I envy newcomers in AA who I am not sprouting any wings, and have a chance to make a clean record. there are no noticeable halos around I had the chance, too, and messed it my head, but I am surprised at the up after two and one-half years. This number of people I formerly found time I made the- first year, the hard unbearable for one reason or another, ‘ way. My mother died last July . ..I who are now proving to be quite nice. stayed sober. My father died in Janu- I am surprised and grateful at my . ary . . I stayed sober. I had to husband’s dection for me–I don’t have all my upper teeth removed know how it lasted, but I am grateful . . . I shyed sober. Time was when that it did. any and all of these things would have L.B., Palm Beach, Fld.

November 1 9 5 5

ncw dcal in life. I needed something and string in the water waiting hours down to earth and I found it in the for a fish to bite. Fishing is an art and North Side Chicago Groups. My North an adventure. While I was drinking Shore family did not help any when I never gave myself a chance to find I started AA, except my dad, whose it out. faith never waned through d l the long After I had over a year of dry time, years he waited with God for me to I was x a ~ h i n garound for something turn better. besides catching up on my reading; I moved Lo Chicago, and AA there something that would replace alcoholic proved my salvation as of today. I indulgences. That summer, I dixovhave a better place to live for less ered fishing. By the end of the summoney, and many good friends. I was mer, I had accumulated over fifty able to act* the fact that I cannot dollars worth of fishing equipment. I take the first drink, that a G m k r could never have afforded ,hat while Power does help me. Despite a strong I drank. I used to live in rented holes rligious background, I had concluded where I was often asked to move. that God was for Hippocrata and, as Things drove me nuts. I suffered ex-

Life a sinner, I deserved nothing. Furthermore, I wanted less. But I reached a point where it was cruciatingly. My mind went in consistent circles. My family distrusted me. People lost confidence in me and I a matter of life and death that I call could not figure it out. I was never

After upon a Power greater than any I could find on earth, and believe me I called. As my mind became less fogged, I nsure of my conduct the next days, until I “felt out” the bartender. Slop and filth were all mine and I couldn’t dized it was H e who had seen me stand it. through cancer operations, across AA has taken these things away. It s t m t s while drunk; it was He and His has given me a greater degree of peace faith and hope that had protected me of mind as I grow along with it. I in the ghastly places where I ended up wen have moments of serenity alwhen drinking. though many who “knew me when” Some people ended up in jails and may doubt it. I have learned a new I.rfound is wonderful to me, this life I When I’m happy enough to celebrate, since I began to understand I splurge on steak or take a trip a insane asylums where I too might have been taken, but He saw me through angle on praying to a Greater Power whom I call God. No longer do I the AA plan a little. No longer am somewhere. If I’m depressed I call an I bound hand and foot to a bar stool and helped me weed out what would bargain or dictate to Him, “I’ll do this AA friend and pour it out, not letting “take” with me. and You do that,” always breaking my in an air conditioned cocktail lounge, things get pent up until I mpulsively only to graduate to the non-air.condi- At first it was enough that the trees end of the deal. For I never recdl that take a first drink. It’s like going to a He failed me in any way. tioned dives where prices are cheaper. were before me; nature’s beauties had shoe store for shoes, to the dress shop He put me on this earth to learn N o longer is my answer a bottle or a for a dress or to the milliner for a new escaped me while I imprisoned my- “couple of drinks.” self in alcohol. Later, sticking to na- and He helped me get AA so that I chapu. may learn. I’m willing! When I’m in pain, I go to a doctor. ture. there were fish to be caught and It took me a long time to grasp this V.F.E..Chic-np. 111. it meant more than holdins a pole

December 1 9 5 5

me than my bottle of shampoo does. this little so-and-so! How could I let It meant something to me when I a little old bottle of liquid run me bought it. I shook all over inside and and my life? It is nothing. I am out and I got that terrific pressure in something. I am a human being and Adding Up the Score my head again. I looked around outside the drugstore to see if anybody had observed me. I felt so guilty that on the wily to becoming a pretty darned good one. This bottle has power to make sniveling cowards out if a cop had tried to arrest me for of people. I can go it one better and brcaking the law I would have gone beat it at its own game. I could go along and willingly pleaded guilty. out right now and give those same Of course, buying a bottle on Satur- people the knowledge and the power day night is not against the law of the n e w to drink it again as long as they land. But it is against the “AA law” live. I am the master here and I say and it is not God’s will that I get to hell with you.” A girl drunk; it is a p i n s t your principles I got up and set it on the dresser: who found and mine. I turned on the overhead lamp and I bought it to prove something to let it shine full in my face. I looked AA in prison myself. If I drank it I wanted to in the mirror a long time. I saw the writes her know how it would affect me. Would strain 1 had becn under for the past “outside” I have the DT’s? Would I stay at week-the ‘flu and fever I’d had, my sponsor a home or go prowling? Would I get swelled sinus-but, I saw a lot more. my novel out of my locked suitcase- I saw eyes that were bright and clear few weeks I haven’t read it or workcd on it for and looked out at the world with after her months–or would I come down to good will and kindness. I saw that release your apartment and say, “Well, what the friendship of the AA members d o you think of me now? You are had made a great difference in the always telling me what a nice person expression on that face and that the I am and how much faith you have mouth looked like it might be able to in me . . . what do you think of this?” grin at any time. It uscd to be so Would I cry for Joe? Would I go to grim and hard. the bowling alley and look for Kenny ? I sat down in a chair and added up Would I ever be ablc to stop? the score, the pcrsonal score. It goes Dear Georgiene: If I did not drink it I wanted to like this: I am going to write this and clarify h a l f – ~ W Iof whiskey) know why. I am finding out as I 1. Georgiene B. gave me more than it in my mind as I g o along. I want to As I write this it is sitting on my write it down on this paper. I left it sponsorship. SIle gave me lier friendshare these thoughts with you. You dresser along with my hair oil and lyins wrapped up and on the bed for ship. She didn’t have to but she did have just now received your present cologne. It is the same color as my fifteen minutes. I ignored it and it because she likes me, believes in from me and along with it this letter. shampoo and it means n o more to fooled around straightening up my me and really cares. cdoset. Then I took it out of the sack. 2. Elline M. is proud of me and sat down on the chair and stared at it makes it a point to talk to me at the and read the label. I thought: “Why. meetings. She invited me to her

d~ughter’swedding. That is the best 13. I have attended three, four and compliment I have ever had. 1’11 go, five meetings a week and six different too. AA groups in order to get the mes- 3. Rosemary D. and I are forming sage as soon as possible so I can be a a fine friendship. good working member and give back 4. Dean B. says keep up the good what I have received. work and shakes my hand. 14. I have found out what Chris- 5 . Charlie M. says I’ve “got AA.” tian love is between people. Bishop 6. Alex V. singles me out to en- Sheen talks about it all the time but courage me at meetings and really I couldn’t believe in such a thing. likes me. Now I know. 7. Margaret B. offered to share her 15. I have takenethe first seven of home with me. the Twelve Steps and I am letting 8. John H. enjoys my company. God have his way with my life. He 9. Fran W. and Gene R. will be my is doing a pretty good job. friends as time marches on. 16. I am happy in one room. My 10. I have the opportunity to make happiness has little to do with what a dream of Georgiene’s come true. I own. This should be No. 2 blessing on this This is the list of the best things list. I can go back to the Indiana that have happened to me in the Women’s Prison as a speaker, sponsor thirty-one days since my release from and example and help the girls and prison. How could I expect or h ~ n d l e help make up to Geogiene for all the any more than I have at this time? grief and heartaches she has endured Before I started this letter I wrlked the last three years. over to the closet to get my paj;lmls. 11. I was made head waitress after All of a suaden I said, “Father, watch three weeks on my job. I am doing over me. Hclp mc to do as You want good work there. me to do.” 12. I work hard and on my one day Georgiene, He did. off a week I got up early and went to Your friend, Champaign, Illinois to try and help Dorothy Janie B. I~ldiruznpolis,Indintta

December 1955

my tune

T aroundusedcalledto be”I aAin’tpopularGot song HERE obvious fact that I’m a big girl now No- and should be grateful for the loving Tulerant ! I was the most intolerant person alive. The only reason I made husband, home, baby and friends, certainly, but it was a selfish kind of body.” Like most alcoholics, I found care my mother gave me. a joke of other people’s drinking too happiness. I considered myself and myself almost literally without a body Instead of catering to my own xlf- much was simply to prove to myself my life superior to others. The rules and certainly many times I wished I is11 whims I should be giving the that some people did worse tllings were not made for us; we prided ourdidn’t have one. A body with the same consideration to my own sweet than 1 did. I enjoyed repeating other selves on our Bohemian existence and screaming jumps was no good to me little girls:. When I think of their people’s episodes with over-indul- hooted at the idea of “civic work,” or anybody else. welfare I wonder how I can have been gence; it made mire more tolerable. taking no part in community affairs. I’ve been in AA only three months. so blind to reality? I figured that Now I hope that I can be as tolerant So the first bad blow, that of sepabut I sing the old song with a differ- when they were in bed my drinking and kind to other people as they have ration from my husband, threw me ent slant: “I Ain’t Got Nobody-NO- was my business. I rcfused to think been to me. If I can keep my eye on into addiction to alcohol. body to Blame But Myself.” about the “sick” times when I lay in the AA ball, I think I will never I am trying now to grow up; to My first excuse for self-centered bed with a ghastly hangover and a ~ o s s i pagain. I don’t believe I can be find my life by losing it in the high self-indulgence in alcohol was the sick stomach, once even unable to sober and cruel at the same time. standards of AA. As one of our fact that I was a spoiled child. My make it to a birthday par9 which my The third fallacy I discovered in my Group members said to me last night, father died when I was a baby. Poor, husband had to manage alone. thinking was this: when my husband “What do you want most out of life? half-orphaned little me, petted by my “I Ain’t Got Nobody”? I smg it was in the army I thought my su- Be sure, now, because you are almost mother-how could I help k i n g to myself about my friends. F i r – premely happy existence was shattered. certain to get it.” I know now that weather friends! If they couldn’t spoiled ? This silly rationalizing was the first 1 understand a person getting a little After a long look at my ante-bellum state, I’m no longer so sure that it I want 3 sane and happy life, and I believe I can find it here. thing to go when I started trying to too much they hadn’t been around. was idyllic. I was wrapped up in my More Anon, hleigh, N. C. practice AA principles. Only a few The tme sophisticate like myself was days of sober thought showed me the more tolerant, I thought.

December 1955

Since moving to Florida, I have run AA” : “Personal criticism you must exinto a great deal of criticism about pect, lack of appreciation will be cornmen being sponsored by women! mon, ridicule will be your lot, your A LADY’S GRIPE Over the past five years, I can honestly motives will be misiudged.” HOW say I have sponsored more men than true! And the pathetic part of it is I am a woman alcoholic and a women. Most of these men are marmember of AA. I have achieved five that the gossip and criticism has come ried and their wives have become some from the so-called “old-timers” who and a half years ot continuous sobriety of my closest friends. One man up and have been a subscriber to the are too busy to devote hours to the north whom I helped had tried AA new man or woman, who are so smug Grapevine ever since I came into this with two previous male sponsors and wonderful fellowship. This is the first and self-righteous that they feel they had continuously had trouble. One have a right to take another’s inventime I have written a letter of this night after I had spoken at an open kind but I feel I have a legitimate tory. meetins he asked me if I would he- Now that I’ve gotten that off my “gripe” and knowing that we are come his sponsor, which I did. He supposed to discuss with each other chest, I feel better! Incidentally, in recently celebrated three years of so- closing, I want to say that whenever anything that is disturbing our seren- briety and has always maintained that i ty-here goes ! I get a call, regsrdless o l who it is, I was the one who made him realize man or woman, if they are alcoliolic I originally found AA in New that he had to “surrender.” and sincerely want to stop drinking, England and as soon as I was able to We a11 know that no one sobers 1’11 be on my way. My life has been I became very active in all phases of anyone up except himself, but I feel saved through AA; the rewards of this activity. Twelfth Step work ultimately that certain people “click” where way of life have been unlimited and absorbed most of my waking hours others might fail. Don’t you think it’s the only way in which I can keep it and even if my new prospect didn’t more important to “carry the message” is to give it away. “see the light” immediately, I knew it than to worry about who carries it? Anonymous, Ft. La~rderrlnle, F h . was helping me stay sober. Many of Certainly, any good member of AA is the guys and gals I worked with did trying to “practice these principles in become sober, conscientious and sin- all our affairs.” cere members-and last, but not Quoting from “God Speaks To least, very good friends. Now here is where I come to my “gripe”.

December 1 9 5 5

he lay in his bed across the room, I thc first homc he had ever really would try to hide my bottle in the had. Everything was wonderful. Why

M y Son and I and AA night table. And then I would wake shouldn’t I have a few drinks to in the morning with a hangover and celebratc? frayed nerves and take it all out on Our first evening in his new home him. I was drunk when his bedtime came. I remember the summers he spent While fumbling trying to make up in the country, alone, with only a dis- his bed, I fell down. Bob is not a boy interested nurse to watch over him. to show his feelings but he burst into I would visit him, and he would beg tears. “Oh, Mom, what’s the matter?” wasn’t with me during the period of me to take him home-it didn’t mat- he sobbed. my heaviest drinking. But the fact is, ter where “home” was if only he What uur the matter? I so much as I now know, that I sent him away could be with Mom. But I would wanted to stop drinking-for him and to school because if he had been with make the excuse that the country air for myself too. I was determined to me, he would have interfered with my was good for him, and come back to follow the doctor’s advice, and give drinking. . . the city alone . to my loneliness, up drinkins forever. During those boarding school years, my tears and my bottle. I went on the wagon for eight I would promise to visit him on week- I loved him so. I wanted above months, and couldn’t haw been more \. f. ends, often to disappoint him on Sat- everything to be the mother he thought miserable. I was sober. no more urday morning with the news that I I was, the mother he adored and was hangovers and jitters, my self respect proud of. But, though I didn’t realize was back, my son would be with me “G drunkMom,so everyone EE, should get they can join AA.” couldn’t make it. Or, when I did, it was with the help of a few drinks it at the time, alcohol had taken charge -but I was most unhappy. And so in August I began my lone drinking My son, Bob, said that to me. He before I got on the train, and a bottle of my life. How could he understand puts it pretty strongly, but he feels in my bag, with the result that 1 when I didn’t understand myself? again. strongly about AA. would be in’ no condition to enjoy How I prayed that I might die. I knew about AA. My doctor had I’m glad my son knows I’m in AA. him. Suicide – the easy way out – would told me I didn’t need it, but I de- I’m glad he’s proud of it, and I’m I remember his tenth birthday, and have hurt him too much. But if I cided to go to a meeting and see for glad he’s proud of me. That wasn’t the party his schoolmates gave for could simply die, his grandparents myself. That was fourteen months always so. him. How he looked forward to my would see that he was raised with ago, as I write this, and I haven’t had Bob’s father and I have been di- being with him in the boys’ dining love and understanding. a drink nor a desire for one since. vorced since the boy was three years room when they brought in his cake! It was my family doctor who first The nest month my son came home old, and any day now he’ll be four- But after sitting in my room with my told me that my trouble was drinking, to live. How would he react to my teen. Through most of those eleven bottle waiting for dinnertime, I was in and that I must stop, move to a chcer- being in Alcoholics Anonymous? years Bob’s time has been spent with no condition to make an appearance. ful apartment and bring my son home Would he be upset? Would he lose his grandparents or away at boarding So I mumbled a feeble e x c w and to live with mc, if I wanted to respect for me? Wow would it affect school. He hardly had a mother at spoiled his big day. straighten out my life. his life to know that his mother was all. I remember the vacations he spent I followed his advice, found a lovely an alcoI~olic? My only friends werc I know now that it’s fortunate he with me in my furnished room. While apartment, and looked forward to hav- in AA. Thev came to our house, and ing my son home for Christmas vaca- naturally we talked AA. There was tion. I was delighted that he brought no way of keeping it from Bob. a friend with him, to share the joy of I knew that at the right time God

would make it possible for me to ex- and he spent many happy afternoons plain it all to Bob. After he had with her. been home for some time-and was as The mother of one of Bob’s classhappy as a lark to have his own room mates phoned me the other day. and be with his Mom-I said to him, “Your son told mine that you’re in “Bob, I have something to tell you. AA,” she said. “I just thought I’d I know you don’t want me to drink, let you know that I cautioned him not and I’ve joined a group-” to repeat it around school.” “Oh, please, Mom, not a church I thanked her and had a heart-togroup,” he said. heart talk with Bob. “No darling it’s-” “Maybe it’s best that you don’t “I know, you’ve joined AA. I think mention to the other, boys that I’m it’s a wonderful organization. I learned in AA,” I said. “I know you love about it in school. Alcoholics arc sick AA, but maybe other people might people and AA helps them.” not understand.” You can imagine how thrilled and “I don’t care what they say!” was relieved I was. Bob lows the AA his immediate answer. “I k i ~ o t uit’s a way of lifc and thinks everyone should wonderful way of lifc.” live it. When he hcnrs mc on the Bob gets a lot out of AA for himphone trying to help someonc, he is as self. At homework time, when he has interestcd and concerned as I am. H e so much to do that he hardly knows thinks I’m lucky because nll thc rest where to start, he applies his AA sloof my life I can look forward to help- gans, “First Things First” and “Easy ing people whereas other women, Does It.” and the work gets done. when they grow old, hnvc nothing The Serenity Prayer, which we both to do. love so, hangs in thc kitchen. W e Whcn he said to me, “hlom, AA sometimes have a good laugh after has made you such a wonderful pcrson I’ve shown irritation at standing over and you’ve changed so,” he gave me a stove, when he says, “Be careful, more happiness than I’ve ever had in hlom, you’re losing your serenity.” my lik. I have only one child, and he’s This past summer, he spent his va- fourteen, but it’s only in the.past year cation in the south. And just as I or so that I’ve really become a mother would do, he looked for sotnconc who -since AA gave me back my life loved A A as he did. Surc enough, hc and restorcd to me the son that alcofound the person – a simple Lovely holism had robbed me of. farm woman (a non-alcoholic, inci- I hope other AA mothers have dentally)-who told him she went to found the happiness I have. I hope meetings quite often becausc she loved their children love AA as much as AA people and the AA way of life. my Bob does. S l ~ eimmediatelv was his best friend P.H.W.. New York

January 1956

—

tain woman in AA, and I carried a pathetic puzzle of what happened dur- . very great resentment toward her for ing blackouts. Many times *I. have . several months, so that I could scarcely pushed to the back of my mind the speak to her. One day recently I had knowledge that I am an alcoholic, and occasion to talk to her. She inquired have gone out in search of this nonabout the reason for my slips. I told existent pleasure . . . non-existent be- A Simple Acrostic her there were many, including re- cause once we become alcoholic perkntment. She asked whom they were sonalities there is no pleasure in drinkdirected at, and if they included her. , ing, but only the same old hell of I said they did and then came the illness, regret, and disillusionment. We real blow. She had never known. She hear in AA that we are just one,drink said she had attributed my coolness away from a drunk, but I prefer the toward her to not feeling well and way a friend of mine puts it: ‘We’re . just being moody. Think of the en- just one think away from a drink.” ergy I wasted hating someone who P-the first letter of the word pride, HE main reason for my slips after S-represents self-pity. One of the T c o m i n g into AA was the fact that biggest causes, for me, generally ac- didn’t even know I was mad at her! , one of. the most deceptive traps for ‘ L-representing laxness. Often preced-‘ lost sobriety. W e say to ourselves, I wanted to drink more than I wanted companied bi resentment. Someone ing a slip I have grown lax in many well, I didn’t drink like she did. I to stay sober. A simple explanation, does something I consider not right. perhaps, but I do believe there are things: attendance at meetings, taking managed my life a little better. I ‘- I’m peeved, and the more I brood a daily inventory, tolerance, and most didn’t hit skid road. Or we toy with a many reasons that cause the desire to 1 drink. I would like to break down the over it the bigger it J: :s ~ntilre:entment and hate creep in, and then I important, in communion with Go!. . thusand other false. ideas . . maybe ! word “slip” into letters that express ~ruthfully, I must admit I turned there has been a little misunderget drunk. away from God. When I felt the de- standing with someone. W e are too some of them. Once I formed a hatred for a cer- sire to drink I would not pray for proud to make a friendly overture. help. I forgot I was an alcoholic Maybe we are in the county-club set, whose life was unmanageable without and just can’t *mixwith anyone from help from a Higher Power, and so I the other side of the tracks or vice I One w a y got drunk. It has been said that who- versa. Maybe, like myself, we’re in to take ever asks God sincerely for help each poor financiai circumstances, and day will not slip. I believe this is true, darned if I’m going to be nice to . apart to give thanks for that help will’ also those high-toned gals!, Any thinking . a word prevent a slip. of this kind can trip us up, and false &for improper thinking. This one pride is back of it all. In a discussion,. nobody has thrown many, including myself. with his sponsor, a member said, “I ‘ likes For example thinking about pleasure just can’t come back to AA. I’ve lost found in past drinking bouts. In think- all my pride.” His sponsor said, . ‘ ing about these past episodes we en- “Good, now maybe we can get somejoyed, it is easy to forget all the mis- where !” ery of the morning after, the terrible Maybe we can. sense of guilt and remorse, and the City, Missouri . Ann T., K a n ~ a ~

Apri1 1956 ashicnNotis 1SOMBREROFRIO V FILLWITHSHAVEDICE ORSNOW- “TURBANS ALWAYS INSTYLE Some ot, the Heaoks…. BUILTIN EARMUFFS wointhisEustes arillle “ORIENTALFATAL KEEPPEOPLE CWILLMSO. FROMHEARING HOLDGIN laigertran otters MERINGUE GLAE STRANGE’MOSK ONTHE ROCKS’ RINGINGIN YOUREARS (TIEITTIGKT. KEEPSYOUR HEADON) HiDDEN COCOCOOLER ICEBAG dmustPothelhungoreta REDAR HASINNER GREEN COMPARTMENTS TOMATCH youR. FORDRYICE, EYES ALARGE BLACK HAT BROMO,ASPIRIN, ALSOBLACK (ANDLARGEBLACK(OFFEE) EYEWASHAND STILLTHEFASTEST 60Z.FLASK TREATMENTFOR (FuLLy RINSULATED BLACKEYES(ORRED) FORROWNDTRP This orp is. TONNTMARYS insE VOTE,

May 1956

/’ At first, it became a mental atti- The pattern which I had cut out tude; as my mind dwelled on alcohol, early in life was to blame someone

ESCAPE so I was drawn toward this escape exit. I found escape not only from life itself and dealing with its probor something for my problems. I had often blamed my husband. Now, for the first time in my life I reached

TO NOWHERE 1 lems, but drinking seemed also to ease my torture-temporarily. At the time, I was employed in government defense work; it thereout for h e l p 1 asked my husband. He failed to give me the understanding, the love and attention, I SO d e ~ perately needed. Perhaps in his own fore was necessary to keep my drink- way he tried, but because I had nwer w& a potential alcoholic in my fused and bewildered. This is the ing under control and undetected. As accepted advice or help from anyone, Iexperiences early teens, because of the many point where I found another substiwhich took place in my time progressed, my need for alcohol was more demanding, and the amount I failed to recognize his way of h e l p ing me. tute for facing reality, another easy life. When I was faced with prob- escape: alcohol. required steadily increased. It began I turned to AA for h e l p a n d I lerhs I could not cope with, I hastily to react on my nervous system . . . found it. I found understanding left the scene. I turned my back on then I began to break down physically. people there, willing to help me. For d l y , refusing to accept an un- I became aware of the fad that I had several months I lived in sobriety, but pleasant situation. I ran away from finally graduated from a potential to I made a mistake: I brought AA home everything life stood for. I would an active alcoholic. I gave up my job with me. I tried to cram it down my neither seek advice, nor would I ask . in fear of being discovered, and con- husband’s throat with, my incessant for guidance. I knew it fined myself to the solitude of my chatter. The result? He rebelled. The quently, I always sought the easiest home. events which followed were very unway out of any and all situations. As Once the mental aspect and the pleasant and deplorable, and I was I ran from one unpleasant experience physical co-ordination are severed the back in the pit of desperation. to another, I became enmeshed in a morale is attacked, in my opinion. I have finally walked out of the web of circumstances. Self-pity was what plunged my ego valley of fear and confusion. My re- Five years ago the crisis came: I in a pit of despair and hopelessness bellion against society is an action of was involved in an accident which re- and, finally, self-degradation and emo- the past. Now as I meditate; I pray sulkd in the loss of one eye. I could- tional disintegration. I found myself for guidance and with this guidance n’t understand why this had happened in a hell of my own making. I was a better understanding will take rod’ to me. My first impulse was to run; filled with remorse, for everyone re- within my heart. And as the dawn then I realized there was no place to jected me. Friends dwindled away, breaks through the night and I run any more and no place to hide. even my loved ones turned their backs awaken, the higher power will give Panic seized me . . . I became con- on me. me this day. I will live and recon- During the intermissions between struct my broken life, day by day . .. my alcoholic oblivion, I wanted des- along with my contact with AA, so perately to get out of this living hell. that I may be a useful citizen for the I wanted to find the answer; I looked society I once turned my back on. for the end. S. S. T., New Britain, Connettitnl

June

You can’t give this program away to the unwilling. He had it but A little more th& six years ago, couldn’t give it to his own daughter. after a half-hearted attempt at suicide In the five nightmarish years that folduring a drunken argument with my lowed, he stood by helplessly and husband, I was sent to a psychiatrist watched alcoholism gain control and who pronounced me the victim of a finally engulf me entirely. Of all the nervous breakdown and recommended heartache that my drinking caused, I shock treatments. Again Daddy think his was the worst. The rest of stepped in wi,th M and again I re- , my family hoped and prayed all the jected it. I much preferred the psy- vain hopes and prayers so familiar to chiatrist’s answer to the problem I every alcoholic’s family-that I’d cut was now aware I had. down-learn to control my drinking I wasn’t an alcoholic-not me. I -have two or three drinks and then was a highly strung, extremely sensi- stop. But Daddy knew that I couldn’t’ tive girl, suffering from a tempomy do any of those things, no matter how ‘VE just completed my fifth month much I tried and wanted to. His hopes I of sobriety. But it’s not my battle nervous collapse. The more I thought of it, the more convinced I was. In and prayers were that I’d have that spiritual awakening every arrested with the bottle that I write of. It’s of order to convince Daddy- but mostly AA, working over the years and of to shut him up-I went to a few AA alcoholic must have before it was too thm lives it joined together in a meetings. The only thing Daddy asked late. On October 12, 1955, I had that complete circle. me was to keep an open mind and spiritual awakening. My father is one of AA’s oldest that, for me, with that large hole in Daddy did help others to gain their members. He joined seventeen years my head, was quite easy. sobriety. Among them is Ruth. I had ago when AA was in its infancy. He’s The stories I heard at those meet- met her once briefly years ago but I stayed with it through the years, ings only confirmed what I already don’t think I’d ever spoken more than watched it grow and in some cases, knew. But the thing that really tied a dozen words to her: And yet it was helped it grow. When he saw me dis- a nice blue ribbon around it all was to Ruth that I turned, in desperation, play the first signs of alcoholism that for three months I stopped for help. (they were there from the very be- drinking without any effort at all. I was drunk the night I called her. ginning) he tried to help me. “There-that ought to show him I’m I don’t even remember looking up He brought AA to me, for the first not an alcoholic. I can stop drinking her telephone number and how I time, ten years ago. I was a little more when I want to and alcoholics can’t found it I’ll never know. Why I called than nineteen, and had climaxed my do that.” The thing he tried to tell her instead of the AA answering servengagement party by getting drunk, me and the thing I wouldn’t believe ice–I had copied their number out running barefoot through a nearby was that the compulsion to drink of the paper that afternoon-I can’t park and head-on into a stone wall. hadn’t yet set in-that terrible, over- explain. I like to think it was the Next morning he handed me stacks whelming compulsion that I was t~ hand of God, moving through AA, of AA literature. They meant nothing know so well in the years that came drawing a circle. to me and I read them just to get off after. And so again he had to step ‘ It was into Ruth’s ear that I sobbed the hook. So Daddy had to step back back. out my story and she who took me

by the hand and led me back to AA. brated his sixteenth anniversary on She stayed beside me through those Christmas Eve and at that meeting I first di&cult weeks and her help and carried in his cake. (Ruth sat in the sympathetic understanding helped me audience and cried a little.) over many a rough spot. She was The end of February, Daddy and I always there, ready to step in, if she spoke at a meeting together for the thought I was going too fast or my first time. Daddy as the oldest speaker thinking was getting mixed up. in our group and I as the youngest. We had Ruth’s full approval that One memorable night, after three night and again she was in the audimonths of sobriety, I mentioned at a ence-smiling this time. Together we meeting that I’d like to speak. Ruth made a complete circle. Daddy her got Daddy in a corner and told him sponsor and she mine. in no uncertain terms, “She may be The most wonderful part of it all is your daughter, but she’s my pigeon. that, through AA, we start each day, She’s not ready to speak and don’t you each new twenty-four hours, the same push her!” He finally convinced her -three arrested alcoholics who pray that he wasn’t and wouldn’,t push me to the same higher power for the and I adhered to her judgment and same things-the serenity to accept waited a little longer to speak. the things we cannot change, courage .. Last Christmas, i4A made it pos- to change the\things we can and the sible for me to give my father the wisdom to know the difference. present he’s wanted for a long, long Phyllis R., time-my happy sobriety. He cele- Greenwich, Conmecticut Group

August 1956

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TODAY IS MY AA BIRTHDAY and I’ve been thinking over some of the things that. have helped me keep away from taking that first drink. One of the things that helped most was that at the very first meeting I went to I believed what I heard. When I heard other members say that they had learned how to stay sober one day at a time and that I could too–I believed it. Then I was given the Big Book and when I read the part that says, “Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.”-I believed it. The steps are the foot-steps of the people who have learned to stay sober before meand the book tells just how to take each step. Next I came to believe that God, as I understood Him, would help me and I learned to ask His care and protection for each day and to pray, “Thy will, not mine, be done.” I found out that it isn’t easy to change the habit patterns of daily actions and daily thoughts and that it takes a lot of AA meetings and a lot of association with other members. You taught me that everything we ( learn can only be kept if we pass it on to someone else-so because yo1. passed it on to me I thank all of you and thank God for my sobriety. Jo Ann, California

October 1956

ONE –

P d with the ANGELS THERE’S a sentence in the Big six months were my honeymoon; I cut-and-dried malady, as a bad learned how to deal with growing Book that refers to psychotics was indeed “one with the angels”! tooth and a fractured bone are cut- pains in AA. in terms of hopelessness and The years since have brought me and-dried. The doctors discharged My husband is an Air Force man how we can only pity them. a measure of AA maturity. Sobriety me as well in June, 1951 and I and we give frequent &tail has included many more ups and parties. One particularly gay d a i r From my own experience with downs, but there was one big deep have had no recurrence. My Higher a specific, limited psychosis I’d dark “down” that may be worth Power and AA have helped me helped celebrate our seventeenth like to point out that I got well. sharing ,with other AAs. maintain my sanity. wedding anniversary recently. A And, thank God, AA was still With alcoholism, I realize, I am house guest later wrote us the fol- In July of 1950, while attending merely an arrested case. Happily ar- lowing: “A party such as yours was waiting for me when the hospi- the Cleveland Convention and not rested, I hasten to add. I do not feel a credit to the might of AA.” tal gates opened! having had a drink for many deprived of alcohol nor sacrificial I think he meant that I had as months, I became psychotic. I lost when I watch other people enjoy the big a time as anyone, but AA gets THE TERM alcoholic ceased to contact with reality. I lost my san- conviviality of the grape! I used to the kudos. Anyway, that is my frighten me on a warm March night ity, in the clinical sense. For ten envy them bitterly, but I have story. K.P.N.,Boston, Mass. in 1949 at my first AA meeting in months I was treated in a Maryland the Panama Canal Zone. There were hospital. The illness required elfour women and eleven men present. tric shock treatments and intensive Although I felt shy, I was not psycho-therapy. On one occasion, . scared . . of the truth-at last! just before discharge, I asked my There sat a group of men and doctor how he related my alcoholwomen to ‘whom alcoholic meant ism to my psychosis. He showed self-recognition and Alcoholics how the fingers of the hand are dis- Anonymous signified recovery from tinct, separate and still connected. a disease. I liked what I heard, and Thus closely are alcoholism and I told my own story, unadorned, for mental disease kin. the first time in my life. My psychosis was completely To reach AA I had had to fly cured by trained medical people to from Peru to Panama and for mas- whom I am ever indebted. They resive doses; thence by ship to Los stored me to sanity. But that psy- Angeles. As I look back, those first chosis would seem b have been a

October 1956

What’s wrong with PINK CLOUD’S3 MY PERSONAL FEELING Inseparable from life–from the really living life-is an inherent The transformation in my life optimism and good cheer. Believe is that recovered alcoholics ought feeling of joy and thankfulness. The from a state of degradation to one me, I display my quota of bad not to shy away from whatever joy greatest soul who ever trod the of joy and peace is something I be- tempers and have my share of and happiness comes their way in earth, according to records, told us lieve will never lose its wonder. troubles. But since AA came to me the natural order of their recovery. The term “pink cloud” is frequently over and over again: “Rejoice, be Having experienced the satisfaction I found that when I didn’t try to used in AA circles as a term of dis- glad.” of being able to live without alcohol, run away from troubles, either they favor, denoting self-delusion which I know I ,couldn’t !have stopped I can never, I think, be utterly passed or I found a certain strength might in any way interfere with the drinking by myself. While I was downcast. to do something about them. proper facing of reality. Sometimes, still talking through my whiskey- Before I got involved in my addic- It is my privilege to rejoice over I find, the term is extended to take glass I stated that I not only tion to the bottle I was a naturally the living miracle that started hapin practically any form of well- couldn’t stop, but that I didn’t want happy person. During the fourteen pening to me several years ago. I being. This mistrust of pleasant to stop, since drinking was all that years of my drinking career I was hope that I may always rise to emotion springs, I suppose, from a made my life bearable. How was I mhwable to the point of suicidal meet whatever happiness comes to fear that such feeling might be despair. As soon as-through AA- me, and even to dramatize it, so to know things were going to start false or illusory. looking pretty wonderful to me, I could and did stop drinking, I ‘ that when the pendulum swings in- Facing reality is essential to get- again reverted to my normally evitably back to the commonplace, ‘

dating from just about the moment ting back into life after a long period happy self. Seems logical, doesn’t I may reflect what glow I can re- I finally gave up hoping for solace of alcohol-befuddled death-in-life. it? member and carry in my heart, of in alcohol? From then on it is essential to keep Don’t get me wrong, either. I’m those pink clouds of glory. There is no doubt in my simple one’s grip on reality as one of the no little Goody Two-Shoes, drooling Ruth P., Portland, O;egon feminine mind that my rehabilita- I ,surest ways to insure living on good tion is something of a miracle. The ! terms with oneself. Facing reality grace of God certainly came in doesn’t mean being cynical, pulling somewhere. Also, two or three ina long face and expecting the worst. spired individuals, sensing the sin- What is the thing a newcomer, al- cerity of my need, never failed to coholic or not, first notices about a give out with just the right, good AA group? “Why, they’re all the indomitable thought. These so jolly and carefree!” thoughts struck and stayed with me.

January 1957

Cherished Malady 1 HAVE A D I S E A S E A FATAL DISEASE ture, so emotionally bankrupt that which cannot be cured. I am an al- I could feel neither despair nor hope. coholic, but I am a grateful, happy I remember thinking: a wise man alcoholic. I am grateful because as of once said, “pain opens the doors of this day, my implacable illness has the mind.” But I no longer had even been arrested in its progress. I am pain, much less a mind. I thought happy because the inspired therapy too of the next day now drawing irwhich returned me to health and revocably nearer and of where I sanity has also given me an oppor- would be when that day came to an tunity for personal fulfillment in a end. I was about to commit myself world of values I never knew existed. to another psychiatric hospital on Without this therapy, I know that I the last chance that “they” might . would now be dead . . or living discover the cause of the psychic self-committed and without hope in darkness that engulfed me. some institution. That night by a miracle I then This then, is why I cherish my called coincidence, I was taken by a malady. stranger to my first AA meeting and January 1, 1955, I sat alone in a I found that what the wise man once hotel mom in a city of strangem-a said about pain is true. In a few city I had known all my life. For quick months AA opened the doom companionship I had a bottle which of my mind and flooded my life with had long since lost whatever power meaning. That first meeting ended of therapeutic oblivion it once pos- my search for diagnosis. I knew at sessed. There I was, a female crea- last what illness I had-AA gave

me a choice and I was freed. All of order to guarantee our sanity. Phys- rather fulfillment in a world of new and heightened awareness that those painful, self-inflicted wounds ical sobriety alone is not enough; it values where sharing is the key word comes with my physical sobriety. are now the weapons of experience, never keeps anyone sober for long. to success. A world in which I had This year I watched the spring ad- ‘ tools of knowledge which AA is The very nature of our disease to learn that in order to gain the vance. I was alone once more, but teaching me how to use. makes constant moral vigilance im- satisfaction of helping someone else, this time it was the aloneness of pre- My “stranger,” my brother, my perative. I must first understand how to ac- cious choice granted to me by an sponsor into life died accidentally I know that ego, pride, self-pity cept help for myself. A world where- AA friend who loaned me her house this spring. One of the last messages and resentments are the carriers of in responsibility is a privilege and in the country because she under- I Teddie sent, by the friend who had the frustrations which created the not a burden and where maturity stood my need to work and think in originally directed him to me, was unendurable tensions I drank to al- can and does begin at forty or fifty silence for a while. I was aware of one of encouragement, pride and joy leviate. I am aware that these dan- or twenty. A world of tolerance and every newly blossomed bud. I had for me, his willing apprentice. I like gers to my peace of body and mind of belief that every man can find not seen nature with unbandaged to think – indeed I know – that are only partly submerged, and that “the thing he might be, beating be- eyes since childhood and it was neath the thing he is.” absurdly exciting. I find a special somewhere his true and protective their re-emergence would lead again spirit is with me each day, as long as to the drinking pattern which could These may seem like intangible enjoyment in the discovery that eat- I do not wantonly discard the gift take me across the invisible point rewards, difficult of attainment. ing is fun and not an endurance conhe gave so freely. of no return-where I must drink to They are not, but they do not ap- test ruled by my struggle to retain Because of Ted and what he gave live, and ultimately, to die. pear easily or overnight. I t took enough nourishment for bare subto me I want to tell you, if I can, a I understand now that the Twelve most of us many years to come to sistence. little of why I am glad I am an alco- Steps were designed to safeguard me the complete realization that our Perhaps the most wonderful of the holic and would not willingly be against the revitalizing of my evil own way was both empty and hope- active benefits of sobriety is the freecured, even if some day an as yet spirits. I know that they are not a less. It takes time and patience to dom from fear. I. am no longer undiscovered remedy were found. formidable array of impossible spir- re-groove old habits. We learn very afraid of people. I have learned that These are the values I have found itual tenets as they at first seemed. soon in AA that time is our friend it is fear that causes hostility and .. . this is the world I wish to in- These recovery suggestions are in- and not our enemy. There are no that it is difficult for hostility to perhabit … this is the knowledge AA stead very simple guides, governed graduates or alumni in this program. sist when fear is absent. This knowl- We have the rest of our lives in edge makes for a more equable relahas given me as of my second birth- by two little words with very big day January 1,1957. meanings: “willingness” and “try- which to listen and to learn. tionship with everyone necessary to A large part of the answer lies in ing.” What other illness demands of There are many immediate and the routine of my daily living. the Twelve Suggested Steps of our its victims nothing but a willing visible blessings, too. I love living I am no longer paralyzed by recovery program. I t rests in what spirit to receive a foolproof remedy? without the corrosive self-contempt heights. I can ride in any elevator, those Steps contain of profound and In order to survive, in order to main- and guilt that disfigured my life for no matter how high or how swift. ageless truths, directing a code of tain a safe margin of sanity and bod- so long. I had forgotten, if I ever For the first time in twenty years I behavior and an attitude toward liv- ily health, I must only live the rest knew, what it was like to approve of am able to use the subway, even ing that good men everywhere al- of my life “trying,” in all my affairs, myself. I find endless pleasure in during the rush hour. I can drive a ways try to incorporate into their to approach a little nearer to that being respectable. I inhabited a car again with skill and relaxation; lives. Many succeed, and they re- concept of personal fulfillment each state of juvenile social rebellion long traffic is now a challenge and not a +

flect in their person and in their man carries in his secret heart. past its usefulness and now I under- nightmare. I observe my steady finworks, an effortless spiritual and I do not mean fulfillment in terms stand the advantages of being a good gers with incredulity, remembering mental health-which we in AA of material success–although that citizen. the countless times when even the must consciously strive to perfect in comes too, more often than not-but I revel in the sense of well-being signing of my own name required

an agony of concentration. These reliable social assets, one of which without reservation. I did not say, I have found the absolute convicmay seem small things, but they was a quote-studded assumption of “I will try again to find my way.” tion of a God whom I can undermake me feel almost as if the laws militant atheism. I believe now that the omission of stand. I can ponder His miracles of gravity had been suspended-I Later when intellectual curiosity the one word “my” in that promise every night of my life. These are the walk with so light a step. and snobbishness demanded a more opened the doors of my mind to will- miracles I see around me, living We learn in AA that alcoholism serious appraisal of philosophy and ingness and that I could at last hear evidence of His power. Every time I is a threepart disease. I t is a sick- religion, the pattern had already the word of God still sounding faint- say the Lord’s Prayer at the end of ness of the body, of the mind and of been set. I rejected any evidence of ly in my abused soul. I threw in an AA meeting, I am very close to the spirit or emotions. I now know the existence of a Higher Power as my pride and listened. None of this my God. I feel His pmxice in the that while I was affected in all of irrational superstition perpetuated I surrender occurred on a conscious love and fellowship around me. As these areas, my greatest defeat was for those too weak to rely on scien- level. I was much too confused to long as my will is submerged in His, an emotional or spiritual one. I pre- tific “realities.” be aware of what had happened to I can manage both happiness and fer to call it spiritual because I know When the end of the long road me. I was still so conditioned by advemity with the same serenity. now that after years of living on came on a mountaintop in Mexico, years of sick thinking that I would I have tried to convey a little of purely external stimuli, my total I did not consciously cry to God for how rich and content my life has have rebelled automatjylly at any lack of faith in any God had ren- help, although I used His name, but suggestion of a religious program. been made, of the faith I have found dered my emotional capacities ster- I did make a promise that I would AA is not a religious program but it and the freedom. I have spoken of ile. In time the periods of drunken “try once more to find a way!’ For is a deeply spiritual one, and there the “how,” “what” and “why,” but oblivion became the only endurable the first time in all of these spiritu- is no faith with which it does not very little of the “who.” I t is to the ‘ sequences in a life grown utterly ally barren years I made a promise harmonize. latter, my .fellow hembem in A& meaninglm. that I owe my life and my sanity. . It was that spiritual solitude They have givenme all the wonders which I believe made me drink to I have tried to express, and much, escape from a life which had no in- much more. They are the miracles ner conviction of God and therefore I ponder nightly. They are my evino belief in the validity of self. I dence of God’s grace. Because of lost my belief in God at about the them, I am no longer alone. I need time I discovered that my charming, never be alone again. Plhto says, agnostic, alcoholic father was also “By wonder are we saved!’ And Santa Claus. While the other as- Jesus says, “Wonder at the things pects of my emotional immaturity before you, for wonder is the beginwere stifling enough, this lack of ning of knowledge.” “They” have faith was deadly. given me wonder and the beginning I paid lip service to religion dur- of knowledge. Is it strange that I ing my early youth. By the time I cherish my malady? reached college I had found several H.W., New York, N. Y.

* 1

January 1957 In the first elation of my new- In sobriety other people can be a found sobriety, I was told this by a shock to you – people you could WE DON’T GET member: “Don’t get too saintly . . . or we’ll wipe you.” stand under the influence. Many things we never noticed I thought that a funny thing to while drinking are hard to take. say but before long, I came to un- Very often, our families find us a

Honest derstand. I hadn’t been changed overnight. My faults were still there, although I had thought sobriety was all I needed. different person to deal with after years of ignoring our place in things. One thing stands out: just as the I find that today I have a full alcoholic has to learn to take calmly OVERNIGHT time job for the rest of my life in altering my defects of character. the things that once caused him to drink, so the partner has need to You don’t get rid of them by say- show some tolerance for the struggle THEREIS ALWAYS ing, “I will no longer do so and to become honest. achievement at last of sobriety is so one very big factor to be remem- amazing to the alcoholic that it is so.” You find you may overcome a After all, the alcoholic is battling bered in summing up the alcoholic. not surprising that some get lost in fault for weeks or months and then for life itself and surely if the Higher Power is willing to give us He did not wilfully make himself a maze of words, trying to convince one day the fault overcomes you. an alcoholic and in the past did not There is one thing to do-start all the chance to recover, the non-alcoothers of what sobriety is like. over again. holic, who must also be full of faults know he couldn’t handle that first Some who have never been expresdrink. sive before lose themselves and of a different kind, ought at least be There is another very important tolerant towards those of us who The dishonesty, cheating, and ly- others-in the endeavor to cover all thing. None of us have all our faults ing is forced upon him to enable the Steps – more forget, perhaps, must endeavor to get rid of our revealed at once. Perhaps if we did, faults . . . or die! him to get his main need at that that simplicity is going to help the we would never recover. time-alcohol. newcomer more. An alcoholic, with all his faults Even after years of searching for removed at once, would lose his He doesn’t know of any other But please don’t let us bandy the reasons of depression or upset, a way; therefore he has set up a dis- words “honesty” and “sincerity” value to AA. new fault is revealed, or rather one honest pattern of living over a pe- around so lightly. we weren’t aware of before. And, of It is only by knowing we still riod of some years. How can we really judge any course, we are amazed that we had have all our defects that we can, If suffering has created an urge to alcoholic’s honesty? We know he such a fault. with help, overcome them. be free from alcohol, it is fairly easy must be improving even in a very In other words, we have our sobrito be very honest about the First small way – otherwise sobriety The non-alcoholic, too, should realize, that sobriety isn’t easy to ety and the knowledge of all we Step. In fact, it is a necessity; other- doesn’t stay. The knowledge that I must do to keep it. Honesty, like all wise we can drink again without am as sincere as I know how to be keep. As this process of achieving getting a chance to try the other at this present moment helps me. I sobriety is going on, it means doing the other virtues, can only grow Steps. know that this programme gave me things we never had to do before in slowly as we move along in this new Having taken the First Step, from the chance to practice being honest. our lives, sometimes distressing way of life. then on comes gradual change in I believe our honesty can only things. We do. Otherwise-we die! the make-up of the alcoholic. ‘€’he Improve with practice! Nothing seems to be gained in Betty, Sutherland Group f;j any easy way. “The Reviewer,” Australia

January 1957

(I don’t know how long I fooled good old reliable bottle. them, but the day inevitably came Where does that lead us: when I Alcoholics Love a Challenge when they scornfully refused their after-school snacks.) More carelook back on my drinking days, all I can see is a dull, endless, mofully-spaced drinking until dinner notonous stretch-drinking, passing was on the table, then another pass- out; waking to remorse; more drinking-out. Mother so often wasn’t well ing, more passing-out-a grim, in those days! hopeless cycle, a trap! So that was my pattern and here Sometimm this lack of seeing was this call from school. I t was a challenge hits us women after our crisis of the most vital importance children are grown and we haven’t and I had to face it. I could not ap- their needs to meet any longer. It pear at school with liquor on my hit me when my children were in breath nor with a hangover! Even their formative y e a r e G o d help if I drank no more that day, I would them! He did; He had His arm . be shaking like a witch and have around them. the dry heaves the next morning. I I’ve heard women in this youngh I LUjTENED TO THE MEETING On a day in which I was, as usual, did the only thing I knew: every mother group say, in &&, “I felt I LEADER last week and to various fairly well into the drink, I got a time I had to have a drink, I took was being used! I was fulfilling my 1 members of the group during’ the call from school that my younger fruit juice and the sweetest things I biological function according to na- I discussion period, a thought popped child’s T. B. test had been positive. could find. I even resorted to eating ture’s plan. I was meeting my h w into my mind which has been in The school authorities wished to sugar by the spoonful. Was I sick! band’s need for wife, mother of his the back of my head all week and talk with me about this. Could I be But I got to school that morning children, housekeeper and general has become a conviction: alcoholics there at 9:00 o’clock the next morn- with nothing more conspicuous than factotum. But what of me? What of have been granted a rare gift. We ing? red eyes and a runny nose. “An this unique thing that is I?Certainwere created for challenge! We were My drinking pattern went like allergy,” I explained-more truth- ly my need to grow as an individual born to live completely and to ful- this: I got up, prepared breakfast, fully than they could know. was not being met” I looked back fill our potential. got my husband off to his job and That crisis was faced and passed. through my own experience and I’ll wager there isn’t a person walked the children to school- There were many others. Anyone realized something of what I’m tryreading this page who has not met without a drink. The minute I was who knows anything about child- ing to get over to you now. I really and come through more than one free of those responsibilities I start- rearing knows that it means one don’t think that it was the f a d that crisis. However large, however ed a carefully-spaced toping. I crisis after another-with long, mo- I was being used, but that I was not small, we met them with our full re- would reach the passing-out point notonous intervals of sheer drudg- being used up! sources of courage, energy, intelli- by one o’clock. Then I’d sleep for ery. The challenge wasn’t to all of my gence, patience and humor. D o those two hours, at which time I would That is the obverse of this coin potential, and I didn’t know what sound like odd characteristics to get up to tidy up a bit and greet of challenge: we can not stand mo- was wrong because I was not find in the forgotten and the lost? the children-with a glass in hand. notony! We feel we are tied to dull thoughtful enough to examine my- One incident from my drinking Fruit juice, of come, and would routine and we can’t take it. We self and find out about myself and days will illustrate what I mean: they like some with their cookies? want to scale heights and here we what my real needs were. are plodding along on the flats-so Good God! There is challenge all we do a little elevating via the about us! There is so much that we

have to be highly selective. We have what you know so well? That he to know ourselves-good old inven- can’t set a course yet, but is willing tory Step! We have to know who to learn as much as he is capable of and what we are, and that takes all learning. we’ve got. The most potent lesson in humil- I’ve talked with men, too, who felt ity I ever received was when a big that they were being used-by na- beef of an AA said from a deep revture, by their wives, by society in erence, “Teacher, I am ready to general. Well, what is wrong with learn.” Have you, discouraged over meeting the material needs of our the many other craft you have mates? Of society? Why shouldn’t fouled in your prePilot d a y , heard we take our places as adults in the someone tell how he rescued tho88 world we live in? he could, learned from those he So. We reach bottom, as we say. could not, and commended to the . We’ve had it. “Thus far and no fur- Deep those he would have harmed ther.” We come to AA, “from many further by an attempt at salvage? ways and wide apart,” but we un- It’s an abiding and creative experiderstand each other. We help each ence to realize our limitations. We other. We grow with each other. We don’t find out about ourselves for all find these magnificent generaliza- time; as we grow and change we will tions: The Twelve Suggested Steps. make other mistakes, so it is com- Only the first Step is specific. forting and challenging to hear That is the h, realistic point of someone else say that these very departure from which we may each mistakes are part of the growth go the way that is uniquely ours. process and will aid that growth so In our AA meetings we share with long as we recognize and admit them each other the riches of our different as mistakes. journeyings. We tell how our Pilot How warm and good it is to hear has plotted a course for our particu- others tell of increased knowledge lar seeking. We share our under- of their Pilot and of mutual understanding of our Pilot and our de- standing increasing between them! cision as to why we know we can Don’t we kr~ow,when we hear our trust Him. I t is indeed helpful to fellow AA speak of these things, hear how another person approached that something has happened to the problem of knowing himself. him, that something is happening to How many times have you been us? That we as alcoholics have our helped by hearing another person specific challenge, but that life itself tell how he discussed with his Pilot is a tremendous challenge, and that and fellow voyagers the destination each of us can meet it according to , and his own faulty navigation? Isn’t his ability? it wonderful to have someone say A.K., Sun Francisco, Calif.

May 1957

‘q+ ,\? ‘Zet * .* – “must” and “honesty” appeared make a safe happy landing when many times over and over again. The the time comes. — brevity, the simplicity, the direct ap- God in His infinite mercy and wis- 5.- proach of the entire chapter was dom has been so good to me, ever – There be – –. -c- .< amazing in itself. Being so compli- mindful of my needs, supplying me cated, and so mixed up as I am, I with numerous blessings–too many needed something just this simple– to count in a day. My blindnessand so did plenty of other folks, else alcoholism – addiction – and all it would not have been written in these physical ailments that some just this way. may speak of as crosses-they are Elsie’s letter to her AA sponsor, If there was ever a possibility of not really crosses at all, only as I Betty T., first appeared in the February the door of Heaven being opened for make them so. They are indeed “Exchange Bulletin” from GSH. The Grape- me it happened this morning. As my blessings, for without them God vine editors felt it speaks eloquently fingers glided across those pages I would not enter into my heart, beto all of us. had a sudden experience, a contact cause I would in that case refuse to with God that I’ve never had before. admit H i . I know you and other helpful friends What people here on earth see of THISMORNING IT ARRIVED just like With the hungry eagerness of a per- have paved the way for this, that I me is but a fleeting material thing, thaGI mean the Big Book in son who has reached the point of might be in a receptive mood. but the soul is eternal, and it belongs braille! The postman placed in my starvation I quickly opened each Eight years ago it wouldn’t have to God. If I continue living I know arms four of those six precious vol- box, my fingers gliding over the table meant a thing, but this was just the I will make mistakes, for being huumes, cautioning me to not drop of contents until I found Volume right time, the right day, and I find man I am subject to error and weakthem. Drop them-how could I? Two in which Chapter Five is first. I am ready. I fervently pray I shall ness. But I fervently pray to live This for which I have waited so You had spoken of this chapter so recover. I t is my decision. In Chap- my best each moment, for a just God long! The postman has probably much, and I have heard a little of ter Five I found the key that opened expects no more than my bestnwer seen a face like mine, but it-+ I read Chapter Five. I mean the door. Should I throw away that which He knows is all I have to offer. homely ae this “pan” may be, I’m I studied it carefully, and this took key the door will close. Being honest with God a i d myself sure he has nwer seen a smile such all morning. First things being first, There is hope for me if I continue should leave me no cause for worry, as the one that spread over it as I, with the help of God, hope next each moment to turn my will and my no reason to fret over mistakes of I atood clutching the four boxes in to copy this entire chapter in braille life over to the loving God of my the past, present or future. In this my arms. Tbis old face literally so as to be able to carry it around understanding and this morning He way I can enjoy the happy hours, beamed, and the ‘Thank you” I with me along with the 12 and 12. gave him must have been some- (“Twelve Steps and ‘Pwelve Tradi- . is nearer to me . . I feel I do un- and all the good things in life. You derstand Him better. have reminded me at times that you thing out of the ordinary in his tions”-Ed.) After that I will fin- As of this moment I repose serene- have short-comings and are not perexperience. ish reading the Book . . . the chap- ly on Cloud 19, being thankful in fect, but perhaps it is the imperfec- I atood there for a long moment ter, “A Vision for You,” must be in – silent meditation. I know then the tion that brought you to understand holding thoee boxes in my arms, volumes one or five, which are prob- grim realism of this troubled world me, and to set my feet on the road clasping them to my breast as ten- ably on the way somewhere between will bring me sharply back to earth to recovery. . . . derly, lovingly, gently, as a mother here and New York, and I will have at any moment, but I pray I may Elsie T., Cincinnati, Ohio holds her newborn infant. Then, them also at any moment. Ed. note-Elsie has not confined her gratitude to beautiful letters . . .she has jolted back to reality, I placed them As I read, question after question transcribed “Tyelve Ste s and .Twelve TqFtions” into braille. Information ahout these comes mav k obtained bv w n h g to: Sec’y. HFD Group. 1319 almost reverently in my big chair. was answered for me. The words

May 1957

Blonde Bornbshell

I HAVE MET SOME WONDERFUL I’ll never forget his answer. Mr. shell helped me, too. Certainly I Some of us never manage to WOMEN in AA. In fact, 1 can re- Bill said, “Marie, when a woman admired the more dignified women ‘build more than a raft. Some of us member only one for whom I felt walks through that front door and on the program and I wanted to build private yachts, safe for ouranything but friendliness. She was says she has a drinking problem, emulate their h e examplea. But selves only. The vast majority of a small blonde with a Marilyn she automatically becomes a lady. somehow when I was tempted to us strive to build ocean liners to Monroe figure and an ultra-smart It’s up to all of us to help her be- drink again, I never thought of provide safe passage for any who hair-do. have like one,” Esther, Mowena, or the other want to climb aboard. The sea The boys in the Club referred to Up to me to help that blonde? women whom I respected so much. remains turbulent, but whatever her as the Blonde Bombshell. She I couldn’t. But thinking of her Instead, I’d think of the blonde and craft we sail, we learn wiQl faith, took that as a compliment, but I from that angle made me realize I’d say to myself, “If that dizzy honesty, tolerance and patience to was confident it was a prophecy. that perhaps the thing about her dame can stay sober, so can I!” weather each new storm. I just knew that her carrying-on that irritated me most was the way While we flounder around in our From our own experience, we was sure to blow the Club sky high. her voice dripped honey when she first feeble effort to fight our way learn that no two people board the One day, in righteous indigna- spoke to the man who is now my out of the a b y s of alcoholism, our Good Ship Sobriety in the same tion, I went to our beloved senior husband. Maybe that same warm poor, sick minds grasp some odd manner. Some of us reach up and , stateaman. I told him the girl’s con- personal greeting was just the thing . straws. The important thing is that grasp a helping hand . . some of ! duct was a disgrace, that it would some of the boys needed to keep in AA somewhere, somehow, each us have to be boosted aboard. I’m give visitors a bad impression of them coming to the Club long of us finds the right straw to keep thankful today for a good stout all AA women, that she should enough for the program to begin to us afloat until we can grasp strong boost from a blonde bombshell! either behave like a lady or leave seep into their liquor-fogged minds. timbers to build a seaworthy raft. Marie C.,Salem, Oregon the group. I am aware now that the Bomb-

June 1957

…1 AM A N ALCOHOLIC … I am a patient at this hospital as a result of an automobile accident. My AA group sent me a very lovely planter. I t is a super-giant, king-sized glass brandy snifter, partially filled with rich- soil and planted with various types of m i n i a t u r e ivy a n d green plants. A few crystals of white rock have been sprinkled on the top soil to give the appearance of snow. , It is a vision of — beauty.

The brandy snifter is a reminder a ray of hope, the voice told me. of the shallow transparent eighteen Today my nurse and I have been years that I spent with the bottle admiring the lovely gift. She asked .. . the empty life that hit physical, me, “What does AA mean to you?’ financial and spiritual bankruptcy. I would say as I said to her: No resource was left to me. The “Envision that glass without the only bank was the river bank and plants-that was my life-empty the bridge was getting closer all the until I found AA. That glass is now time–but I was afraid to leap. full – with life and innumerable In February 1954, after a ten-day leaves and roots that continue to bender, my body and my heart grow-I can’t count how many.” couldn’t take it any longer, and I AA has as many meanings to me. had reached death’s door. During I have learned courage, serenity, a heart attack, while waiting for and faith. Today I pray, “God the physician to call, I prayed: “If give me the strength and courage there is a God in heaven, please to pull through and put myself in spare my life and show me the way your hands. I know you are there.” -if only long enough to make up Had this accident happened prior to the many I have hurt, especially to my association with AA, I serito my parents and my sons.” ously doubt that I would ever have A voice came to me to contact pulled through. . AA . . only through AA was there Sandra L., Las Vegas, Nevada

July 1957

M y Coming-Of-Age

1 AM NO LONGER CONCEXNED WITH When I finally came to the realithe cause (or causes) of my afflic- zation that I had remained a child, tion-only with the effect. When I unable to cope with life and its norfirst came into AA, I searched for mal trials and tribulations on an reasons that caused me to acquire adult basis, and when I therefore the disease of alcoholism. I t seemed stopped blaming people and situato me that this search was necessary tions for my drinking, I believe I in order to justify the kind of per- bzgan to grow up. son I had become and what I had I made my amends where possidone to my family and friends. I ble (” . .. except when to do so believed that nothing happens with- would injure them or others”) to out a reason, and I still believe so. those whom I had hurt. Although But gradually, as I struggled to- I had firmly believed that they had ward complete honesty with myself, hurt me, I began to see that in real- I found that the reasons I thought ity I had hurt them, or that my had caused me to drink had not behavibr had caused them to act been of sufficient importance to re- as they had’towards me. This realisult in my becoming an alcoholic. zation brought me a wonderful feel- I came to the conclusion that I ing of peace and relief. There is simply had never passed from child- tremendous satisfaction in looking ish to adult thinking. In other a t oneself honestly-both the good words, I had (for reasons beyond and the bad sides–and discovering my ability to comprehend) failed that we can really begin to like and to develop an adult point of view respect ourselves after all. I actualtowards life a n d consequently ly welcome responsibility and feel turned to liquor to avoid problems for the first time in my life that I or situations which I felt I was in- am becoming a mature and responcapable of handling-such as being sible person. ill at ease with people; the responsibility of marriage; the subsequent The AA program is a wonderful responsibility of divorce and the way of life, and i t i s the adult way. rearing of a child alone; the fear This program is not for children, of loneliness that drove me out to but for grown men and women. We the bars to drink, to be among peo- may come into AA as children, but ple and yet never to feel accepted in my opinion it is impossible to by them; finally, the inevitable stay on the program and remain a drinking alone, with the resulting child. downward dive to despair. Marion Z., Lafayette, Calif.

July 1957

and reverence of her children, the divorce, with a correspondent she world’s approval. Respectability hadn’t even known was in her house! lays a heavy hand upon wornan- But aren’t we safe if we drink at kind, and for this reason AA’s “self- home, with the shades drawn? Not ish program,” for us, wears a differ- from neighborhood gossip and delivent face. ery-boy innuendo. Not from humil- Let’s turn the cards face up and iation for our children, threat to our call them spades. What do we risk, home-life, risk to lives and property we gals who slip? Stupefied infidel- through our fogged carelessness. ity, for one thing, with its danger of The most hideous awakening I private discovery and shame, or know of came to a shade-puller public exposure and disgrace. Rape, who’d managed most cleverly-up for another, with its train of shock, to then-to hide her addiction. That disgust, blackmail and worse. Ar- woman came out of a stupor one rest and obloquy. Suicide, man- awful midnight to find her husband slaughter and maiming, if we drive shot dead and herself about to be when we drink. indicted for his murder. She wasn’t. I met a lot of heartbroken gals, The evidence was too hopelessly stumbling around in liquor’s laby- confused, and that is the ghastly rinth, and some of us never did find burden she’must carry to the day The Door. I knew a widow, inde- . she dies.. she does not know what The Last Trip to the Well pendently wealthy, with a host of friends and relatives-nothing to really happened. . I t couldn’t happen to you? fight but grief, and all the weapons Don’t kid yourself. Read the on her side. Yet after twenty years newspapers. -let’s face it-is less than kind to of respected homemaking and twothe female drunk. A man with the We gal-alkies are “pitcher-pushmartinis-before-dinner, she was an em.” When we are fortunateenough same degree of illness is “Poor alcoholic in full swing within a week to make twenty, or a thousand-and- Charlie,” “Good old Charlie” . .. a of her husband’s funeral. And in twenty, trips to the well without woman is “that bag,” or names not four sordid years, not a shred of reso palatable. The man may still smashing the crystal jar in which we spectability remained to her–or, bear our whole happiness, our comamuse humor, sometimes even ad- cruelly, to her children. Of course, pulsion drives us to carry it there miration, at the very least pity. The it isn’t fair-but that’s the way it woman-teary, bleary, dishevelled once more, and yet once more. It and loud-meets ridicule, derision go=. will break some day, and we know I knew a sweet, pretty young ma- it wi1I. and disgust. tron who drank herself out of a hus- Worse . .. every single time the band she truly loved. Because she I repeat to myself and to every other woman alcoholic: wh& yours woman alcoholic takes a drink, she was alcoholic, more bottles were her balances in her two shaking hands is shattered at last, can you ever, answer to his walkout. And then, ever gather up again the precious every single thing that spells the one day, she sobered up to find her security of her womanhood: the love stuff you carry inside? two youngsters removed by the au- Polly D., and trust of her husband, the resped thorities, and herself facing suit for DeWitt Group, Syracuse, N . Y .

July 1957

A SUCCESSFUL AA WOMEN’S GROUP

WOMENALCOHOLICS have the un- together in sober, healing unity. enviable reputation of being cagey, We believe. that it is our good secretive and so ashamed of their fortune to have found AA and let it drinking that they are considered work for us as a solution to our very difficult to reach in efforts to drinking problem. Female groups arrest their disease. dissolve easily without firm beliefs. Since we AA women in our city New members, still suffering alrecognized this fact we formed a coholics, come in and our attendclosed meeting group of women ance continues to be large enough only. We believe it is simpler for to justify our conviction that a our gals to let down their hair in an women’s group can go on. unmixed society. Our constructive manual labor We have ideals and aims. Re- consists of our decorating halls, premembering that principles are more paring and serving food for our important than personalities, mod- county-city quarterly meetings. The erating resentments, speaking truth fellows appreciate the work. and being open-minded will hold us Joyce D., Tacoma, Wash.

August 1957

ing days, every detail was a prob- short drink, a drink that will never, lem, now most problems are a detail. never end. But we want it no more Ease of Sobriety They are that way to God. They will stay that way unless we wrestle because we have learned through experience a truth which cannot be with them. refuted, a living truth which is God salvaged the human wreck- responsible for the pulse-beat a t age which was us and one way or our wrists today: that we were HAPPY SOBRIETY is not the result another, in s p i t e of ourselves, specially blessed people made to of not drinking. I t is the result of shunted us into Alcoholics Anony- live abundantly, and more abuna new way of life. We cannot live mous. We do not know why, but dantly still, made to know humility a new life in the way that we used we know it is intended for us to be -and joy-and new life. Our life to live the old one. To think that happy in our new way of life and is made worthwhile. we can is like thinking that we can that to maintain our happiness we I t takes time to learn to live the control our drinking. The habits of must seek to share it. It is a simple new way. It takes time to uncomthe old life are not compatible with rule that when we give we get, and plicate ourselves. It takes experithose of the new one and the new we can give to anyone, anywhere, ence to learn by experience. It takes one, because it is new, is simple. any time. The day is bulging with just as long as it takes-but mean- When our ego is finally busted opportunity. The day is as good as while with our new-found gifts of and our sick will completely broken we let it be. honesty, ,open-mindednessand willwe become aware, often very gradu- ness and love. Thus cleansed by I read in the Big Book one short ingness we w e very much taken . ally, of a supreme power which this feeling of forgiveness, relaxed sentence in the chapter “Into Ac- up in something which we had no makes the program of Alcoholics and strengthened by this love, we tion.” It says, “We don’t struggle.” part of before: living life in the Anonymous work. With this grow- are able to start the adventure of To struggle means, eventually, to world as it is, and liking it. Our ing awareness that we are not God living with gratitude and simple drink. To struggle means to take selfishness begins to fall away 1 we are enabled to receive forgive- trust. Whereas before, in our drink- every opportunity and turn it into through neglect as we start giving ! a problem which cannot be solved. of what we have, and the least of To struggle means to clutch to our- what we have in AA is hope for the selves fear, pride, shame, remorse, hopeless and love for the loveless. jealousy, dishonesty, conceit and The program of AA is unlimited. selfishness; to make a great show of Its healing action is infinite. Moreovercoming; and then, in an orgy over it is not intricate. It is simple, of self-pity, to be overcome. straight-forward and proven. If that is what we want we can It works. get it straight and quickly in one Tani W., London, England

August 1957

then and never fully released it. stopped by to see her every day or

Ua ~ s y This led me back to AA ten dreary took her to a meeting! Wouldn’t months later. Since that time I have you think that by this time some taken no alcoholic drink or any member of her family might have substitute therefor. Daisy’s thread written me a little note of thanks? is now the basis of a broadened web Then the storm crashed about Never whose strength protects, encourages me! Please God, may I always reand delights me beyond measure. member the gist of my husband’s I t has taken many threads to stern and pitiless lecture, so richly form this web and they have been deserved? “Won’t yo11 ever learn . Knew wonderfully given me during these that what you may be able to do past nearly ten years. Some stand for another you are permitted to out sharply in memory, of others do only as God’s representative on I am hardly aware, but for every earth’?” tiny strand I am deeply, sincerely The thread between God and Jusr ONCE I TRIED TO LIST all the celebration of our new-found friend- and eternally grateful. myself had worn thin indeed by blessings I have received from AA ship was a matter of far greater “God as we understand Him.” I my own actions and thoughtlessness but I found them so numerous that import but as we were leaving a suppose that I never completely lost over the years, yet it never broke I couldn’t remember them all a t door opened behind us and a girl’s contact with the God of my own since I was able to accept my husone time. However, I am very hap- cheery voice called out. We stopped understanding but after finding AA band’s timely criticism. Today in pily aware of a few things that and turned. That first thread had been just long enough to reach hold I did nothing to improve this con- Twelfth Step work I ask God’s are terribly important to me, little tact for a shamefully long time. I’m guidance and help, I recognize the things that form a pattern of life. of us. Daisy spoke to us. Well, yes, afraid I still felt, though quite un- road when God’s thread leads me. Pressure sent me to my first we had planned to attend the meetconsciously, that I myself was some More than once, while on this road, meeting. I had no desire for so- ing but now we were going to. . .. sort of God, particularly in Twelfth I have literally seen my conception briety, nor did I find in my heart Oh, never mind the meeting. Have Step work. Playing God was a of Him. an intention of stopping drinking, a cup of coffee with me, won’t you? vicious habit but my beloved hus- About a year ago, suddenly and for ten long months. Yet on that Simple decency and politeness de- ‘ band finally brought me to my unexpectedly, I was faced with first evening an invisibly slim manded that we accept, other mem- surgery on my hands. When I left senses. thread was woven which has proved bers quickly appeared and, natustronger than any bond ever de- rally, we stayed on. I had been trying to help an the doctor’s office panic seized me. signed by man. Daisy was my sponsor, I guess, older woman and, in fad, had ex- He had explained that following the I came early, Heaven knows why! in a way though I never thought to pended much time and effort in her operation my hands and wrists I n the hallway outside the meeting ask her. Now I never shall because behalf. (Prayer? None!) I came would be fully encased in permaroom I met a girl of about my own a year or so later Daisy made the home one early evening in a mag- nent dressings for quite a long time. age, as frightened and alone as I. program in its entirety and is no nificent tempest of self-pity. When I would be absolutely helpless for We chatted briefly and discovered longer with us. But it was Daisy my husband showed what I con- weeks! I wouldn’t be able to do that AA was a mutually strange, that God chose to fling out that sidered proper and sufficient con- anything! The drive home was a highly questionable outfit. We cern my torrent of resentment burst nightmare but again my husband’s first magic thread He had woven quickly decided that an immediate forth. Look at all I had done for wisdom and strength brought me for me. I believe that I caught it Mrs. Doe! I had gotten her sober back to earth. He made me realize and I was keeping her sober, I still that, as of old, I had allowed myself

to be victimized by an indescribable surgery. I doubt that your case will fear of the future. come to that. As a matter of fact, I t was then I really recognized your hands seem considerably betthe strength of the threads that ter than they did last month.” bind me to AA! There must be When he had gone I closed my something in the program that eyes in near-ecstasy. I wanted to would cover this situation and of kneel on the sidewalk in order course there was. There were many properly to thank God. Then I things: Easy Does It, twenty-four knew that He would hear me as hours a t a time, our Serenity I stood motionless on that quiet Prayer, living, not merely staying street, for a t long last I felt that sober. Before too long my thinking I had learned how to really thank began to clear, fears left me. I war, Him. This thread had become a a very lucky girl, indeed: fortunate truly conscious contact with the that my condition was an operative God of my understanding. one, lucky that this prospective sur- The friendship of my AA comgery would not involve some vital panions is another thread of unorgan. believable strength. These friends A month later fear struck again not only do wondrous works but during a chance meeting with my often they say quite wondrous doctor on a quiet side street. Now things. I ha$ not seen a certain dear I know that our encounter was not friend for months and when we mere coincidence but another of chanced to meet she cried, “It’s so God’s unexpected and miraculous good to see you. Oh, Anne, I’m so rewards. Somehow I avoided the glad you came tonight!” But that subject of my hands as we chatted wasn’t quite it. “Oh, Anne, I’m so together; then suddenly I asked the glad I came tonight!” were her doctor how soon he planned to actual words. There is a difference, operate. isn’t there? To me that greeting still “Operate?’ he exclaimed, “Oh, rings sweetly. you mean your hands. Let me see These are a few of the threads them. . . . ” A moment later I that have been offered me and so trembled uncontrollably a t the utter freely given. They are strong, tested beauty of his words. and true. Together they form a “Did I tell you that surgery fellowship whose value one cannot would be necessary?” he softly estimate. As a priest who shall be inquired. “You must have mis- nameless so beautifully labels our understood me, Anne, or I didn’t Society, “AA is the Golden Thread make myself clear. At any rate, that binds the hearts and souls of what I meant to tell you was that men to the Feet of God.” this condition frequently indicates Anon., Providence, R. I.

September 1957

high-sounding but careless state- helpfulness that are AA. I had babments in regard to the recovery of -bledawaywith ablithe disregard for some of my fellow members. Salvag- the oftvoid caution to “Live and ing my sclf-respect, I found that I Let Live.” I had not been sharing was genuinely happy for these peo- my hope and strength-but only the ple and that this was the basis for unhappy experiences of others, all mentioning their progress. But I also wrapped up in a tawdry, tinselly Confidential uncovered some pretty shoddy facts about myself. package of pseudo-generosity. Hard to take self-revelations! But, I discovered, for instance, that I now aware of the seriousness of my am not nearly as broadminded about defection, of the potential and last- “ISN’TIT WONDERFUL, I’ve just got- so magnanimous it can’t humanly be other people’s mistakes as my open- ing damage involved, of the license ten word Elaine is celebrating her true? hearted words would indicate. I dis- I had taken unto myself as an oftfirst anniversary,” proudly pro- As one who has been guilty of covered a mental smacking of the time sponsor of newcomers in AA, claimed a long-time member of AA. such thoughtless verbal rejoicings, I lips and a lurking patronization be- I was determined to follow through “I remember when I first saw her- now realize that when I talk this cause I had escaped some of the more with this inventory. , she was so miserable, so scared- way there is something wrong, some- shocking experiences with which I was struck with shame at the wasn’t even sure she wasn’t preg- thing unwholesome, something dan- they had paid for their drinking. smallness of my own character in innant because she’d been on a real gerous to the hard-won sobriety of dulging in such hypocritical rejoicwing-ding for about a week.” the people referred to in such seem- ings. Particularly, in regard to spon- “Josie is only four months out of ingly altruistic remarks. sorship, I realized how deeply I had a state hospital and already she’s My thinking along this line started violated the privilege of service to doing a grand job of helping another when, without a conscious desire to others. I knew I had to put a tight girl who’s just been released.” recall the tragic disclosures so light- check on the reins of my loose talk “It’s great to see how well Harry ly tossed off in the quoted remarks if I were not to continue doing irreis doing these days, when you think and others like them, I found I was parable damage to fellow members, of the time he spent in prison for remembering them; that they came as I sounded off from my smug plathat hit-and-run accident he had in to mind whenever I ran into the peo- teau. And, selfishly, I knew this very a blackout!’ ple involved; that I was uneasy when smugness was an ever-widening “Jack’s making such wonderful I saw these people and that I hoped chink in my own sobriety. progress with his sobriety. Too bad they would never know that I had I realized that as a sponsor-4thhe can’t handle his homo problem listened to these unhappy event? out I discovered there was even a small er listening at the bedside of another as well.” of their alcoholic pasts. And I be- but exciting thrill, inherent in gos- alcoholic, sufficiently desperate and . Warm, generous statements. Or gan to remember, with a distressing sip, of passing along a sordid-and sick at heart to have called for help, are they? Take a second sounding. jolt to my own smugness, similar, damaging fact, under the legiti- or in the early exchange of talks A deeper one. Sense anything more and equally injurious utterances of mate guise of well-wishing. In in- with a new member able to get to than a genuine expression of joy at which I’d been guilty. dulging this thrill I had destructive- meetings under his own steam-I the present good fortune of Elaine, I decided if I were going to stay ly overlooked the precious sobriety must impose upon myself strict ad- I Josie, Harry or Jack? Something honest with myself, I’d better take of the newcomer. herence to the confidence expected ! just a shade too noble? Something a look at what lay behind my own Even worse, I had been selling of a doctor, a minister, a social workshort the very principles of love and er or a psychiatrist. Need I stress

that AA has taught me the impor- justifiable instance for sharing these tance of assuming solely the listen- personal confidences (until such ing aspect of these other therapeutic time as they were self-told from the agents. platform) that I could find to salve I unearthed, with further digging, my cringing conscience is when, that however well-meaning I might after an unsuccessful try at helping, have been in an attempt to explain I turn the newcomer over to another some difficult-to-cope-with quirks in some new members, I had unneces- sponsor. Even in that case it would sarily shared some of their intimate, better be done with his permiss’ion deeply personal confidences with and in his presence. others. Clamming, anyone? Mea maxima culpa! And the only M.H. McM.,New York City

October 1957

WHATIS FORGIVENESS? AS an alcoholic, now sober in AA, I think failing to observe some action or I find myself wealthy in love and attitude which we would have seized friendship. This is the wealth that that I know what it feels like to be upon as an outrage before. makes possible for me forgiveness of forgiven by other people. I could not , Where there is lack of forgiveness others, acceptance of their forgivefeel forgiveness in my drinking days there is likely to be some resentment ness, and forgiveness of myself. because I could not forgive myself. from which, sooner or later, we may Personally I find it more difficult I was playing God and counted my- seek release. But when we have to forgive myself than to forgive self worthy only of punishment. learned to forgive we shall not need other people, perhaps because I have any release. been in the habit for so many years It is written in the Big Book that of beating myself on my own head

ABOUT half measures availed us nothing. Half-forgiving will not avail us very much either. I t was described by a with my own brick-bat. It seems to me that now there is no question of whom to use it on. Since we are no

FORGIVENE minister I heard recently as “holding a club in readiness behind our back and saying, beneath our breath, longer our own property, but God’s, we must let the brick-bat go. With it goes that alcoholic love of punish- ‘so long as you don’t do it again.’ ” ment. With continuous sobriety comes a It seems to me that forgiving on There is no doubt in my mind that gradual and happy awareness of the condition is not forgiveness at all God has made us new. Otherwise I forgiveness of God for our previous and will avail us nothing, whereas would not be sober writing this now maltreatment of others and our- true forgiveness is the outcome of and you would not be sober reading selves. Only with this gradual realizing that nothing except our it. This marvelous fact is in itself awareness comes the ability, ‘ Ibe- own thinking can hurt us now. evidence of Divine Forgiveness, so lieve, to forgive others and ourselves Other people, alcoholics and non- what forgiving of self do we have to some degree. alcoholics, can give us what we are left to do? At first forgiveness seems like a told to expect-injustice, criticism, Now I see forgiveness as a loving cessation of resentment, but later it ridicule, misunderstanding. They spirit which cannot be misinterbecomes the putting of God’s love 3.r 0,’. cannot harm us now, for they lost preted. It knows nothing of fear into action. True forgiveness means ‘ the power of injury when we lost our and nothing of holier-thamthouletting fall from the mind all han- desire for self-destruction. Only our ness. It is without reservation. It kering after recompense and all thinking, if it becomes negative and is one of the greatest powers and secret reservations regarding the self-centered, can harm us now. blessings of our new way of living. protection of ,whatwe consider to be I find that as I try to live the new It can only bring harmony and our own rights. We are only secure this world and I believe it is neces- way of life in AA I am gradually goodness-and sometimes tears of enough to do this when we have sary to our spiritual, mental and developing a new way of thinking. joy. I t can bring these blessings to personal proof that God is “for” us physical health. We are bound to This way of thinking, this attitude one who is forgiven, but in much and not merely “in spite of us.” We receive it in order to receive sobriety to all my affairs, is the only one I greater abundance to the one who are then rich enough to forgive the and we are bound to give it in order can have. It is the truth for me- forgives. It is a power-line to soworld. to maintain sobriety. I t is so much that truth which is setting me free. briety. Forgiveness is the most trans- the essence of love that sometimes In following this way of thinking Let us never pass it by. forming and healing operation in we forgive without knowing it by and living to the best of my ability Tani, London, England

November

lege, through my working years in New Orleans and Baton Rouge, bit more. I got a part time job that drinking I had to do it then-for Louisiana and throughout several my husband did not know about, her sakrbecause I was her only post-graduate courses in New York. which enabled me to drink up my living relative and it was necessary entire salary each month. The in- for her to be with us. I stayed sober In 1932 a t the very bottom of the witable showdown was put off tem- for a week or two. But I just depression I married my childhood porarily but the time finally came couldn’t take my mother’s suffering when my husband realized that I and started taking a little nip now . sweetheart. We continued to drink socially and, when we could afford must be getting money somewhere. and then to relax me. With my it, during the early years of our He knew I could not buy and con- salary and the little money my marriage. Alcohol must have, even sume the whisky I did on what he mother had I managed to give her a t that time, had a pretty strong allowed me for house money. So I adequate care ( I guess) and keep hold on me but I did not realize to swore off for a time and got a good myself well supplied with liquor. what degree until my second daughjob in a hospital. I t was then that Many nights I would sleep in her ter was born in 1938. my drinking really became serious. room so she wouldn’t be lonely and All during my pregnancy I Possibly the extra work and respon- there drink myself into a stupor. I stayed at cross purposes with the sibility or the added burden of was that way the morning she died. doctor because I would not temper home making and child raising con- Nice picture! Yet deep down inside my drinking. When finally I really tributed but the real reason was I feel that wherever she is she knows tried to stop because I was nursing that I still wanted to drink. I how things are with me now. thought it was smart and that I After her death I really started could drink like a lady if I were drinking with a vengeance, but A Woman’s Story only allowed to handle it my way. somehow was able to get my job Well, I did it my way. At the hos- back by promising that I would quit I A M FORTY-NINEYEARS OLD, a col- this baby I found that I absolutely pital I found it very convenient to drinking. I put off doing anything lege graduate, a graduate in medi- could not. Soon I quit trying. help myself to the barbiturates in about that promise and at last got cal technology, a registered medical After all, I reasoned, alcohol in order to overcome the terrific hang- the brush off. technician, a member (inactive sta- moderation was good for me; it was overs and shakes that were now haptus) of the American Society of the only pleasure I permitted my- I then realized for the first time pening every time I took a drink. that I couldn’t handle alcohol and Clinical Pathologists; I hold civil self; weren’t we all entitled to a I did not take to morning drinking that I ought to do something about service ratings in bacteriology, little recreation in life? I didn’t because it was easier to slip a pill, it. I tried all the things that Bill X-ray technology and serology. I spend money on clothes, cigarettes, and cheaper since I stole the pills. W. tells us he did and nothing am the mother of two daughters, gambling; since this was the only My husband sent me to doctors, seemed to work. Finally I made a and have both a grandson and a indulgence I permitted myself, it psychiatrists, my priest and rest stupendous and horrifying decision. granddaughter. I cannot actually re- was certainly no more than I was I homes. At last he became fully dis- I would pocket my pride, my self member the first time I took a drink due. This simply meant that drink- gusted. Though he continued to live or why. I imagine it was in college ing meant more to me than any of a t home for the sake of the children respect, my good family name, I (I am reasonably certain that I did these other things and that I was he let it be known that our marriage would stoop to the lowest possible not drink in High School) and that going to keep on doing it, come hell ended there. When my mother be- level of degradation and look into I did it just to be smart. or high water. I did! came ill he did give me a chance to this thing called Alcoholics Anony- Whatever the reason, I continued Things improved for us finan- make one more effort. I agreed with mous. to drink on occasion all through col- cially. We could afford to do a little him that if I was ever going to stop I was still making up my mind to

! look into AA when a friend, who mer until Labor Day. I did not go ing daughter at home loves bring- mas since my children were born is a doctor and. my present boss, to work or do much of anything ing her friends home, my husband until I came into AA. They were was in need of an office manager else. My husband was fed up and takes pride in having me entertain then seventeen and thirteen respecwith some medical background. She had me put on ice. his business friends-and incident- tively. I had black-outs. I waked told me that if I would promise I recovered enough to go to an ally he is always on hand for AA up in strange places with no recolnever to take a drink and would AA meeting on September 21st, doings. I am fully responsible for lection of where I had been or with contact AA she would give me this and it is with a humble prayer that my job now. One year for six whom. I have known the terror much sought placement. I promised I can say thankfully, I have been months I was given complete con- of wondering what on earth I might and went to work for her. Concur- sober ever since. At least I have trol and power of attorney for my have done in a blackout-afraid to rently I presented myself abjectly not taken a drink. boss while she was abroad. I have find out and afraid not to. . . . to the local group of Alcoholics I was mentally drunk for about a a little money ahead for trips and Fortunately I never got into any Anonymous. I wasn’t too impressed year. I t was another year before I vacations. very serious trouble. I was lucky. but I did continue to go to meetings did something about the barbitu- I t is a good life and I owe it I never lost a job from drinking (it -mostly because I thought I might rates which were part of my daily every bit to AA. I have re-estab- was suggested that I resign from be able to be some help to some life. At first I did not realize the lished a conscious contact with God the hospital), never lost my family, of them. This was in 1951. terrible problem they pose. I took as I once knew him. I am invited never was institutionalized, always For six weeks I did fine-until my the attitude that I was entitled to many places, asked to serve on had enough to eat, to buy clothes, birthday. Some old friends were them since I had nobly stopped committees at church, the PTA, to operate a car and pay my debts. giving a party for me. I didn’t drinking. Eventually I learned how camps, activities within the scope But I am an alcoholic. I had really want to go. I knew there harmful this insidious habit was of h e arts and for the underprivil- reached my own personal bottom, would be drinking and that I and how the pattern of addiction eged. My children are accepted and so I went to AA. I have never failed couldn’t go through with it sober. was just as bad as alcoholic addic- made welcome in the social, cul- a single day since then to get down Above all I did not want these tion. So I stayed away from the tural and religious activities around on my knees and thank God. friends to see me drunk when I had first pill, just as I did the first town. J. D., “Old 90” Group so recently taken the pledge. I drink. Outside of a few shaky days I never remember a sober Christ- Mobile, Alabama solved my problem by slipping a t first I have managed to live withdown to the green front store (in out a drink or pill, by the Grace of Alabama alcoholic beverages are God, by living one day a t a time, state controlled and whisky stores by putting first things first and by are painted a uniform color every- trying to put into practice the wnere) with the idea of purchasing principles set forth in our Twelve two or three miniatures – just Steps. enough to make me less tense and In AA I am sober mentally, relieve my fatigue. physically and emotionally. I have I do not know where my thinking tremendous peace of mind-probgot fouled up but when I arrived ably as much as anyone without a a t the liquor store instead of buy- drinking problem. My family have ing two or three miniatures to con- all returned to me spiritually-maceal in my purse I bought two terially they were always there. My fifths of Scotch. That did it. I children respect me. My granddrank constantly through that sum- children love me. My only remain-

January 1958

Today I am Sober! by my bed and saying, “I want you How MANY TIMEShave I heard those to go back with me to Los Angela.” words in the past eleven months a t She piled my clothes and some for meetings of AA? I cannot say. But my daughter into a suitcase and to me they are the most beautiful away we all went. words I hear. I don’t remember the trip home I am a member of this beautiful but next morning I woke up scared life myself today. But eleven months half to death. . . . Where am I, what ago today I couldn’t say those words have I done, where is my daughter? for I was a woman that had hit bot- A drink was sitting by my bed. I tom, ready to give up completely to reached out to take it and then a someone who could help me get thought came: what are you going sober. to do, start all over again? There is an old saying, “God About this time Helen walked in, watches over the drunk.” This I be- a smile on her face, and asked, “How lieve. . . . On that day I reached for do you feel, Dorothy?” the telephone, called long distance and talked to a sister-in-law I had I asked myself the very same known only five months, a virtual thing -yes, Dorothy, how do you . stranger to me as I had seen her just feel? But she never gave me time to once. I talked to her and told her answer myself. my feelings. . . .I asked her to come She said, “I looked up the phone for my five-year-old daughter. I told number of AA close by here. Do you her I was going to commit myself to want me to call them?” I told her an institution. yes, I’ll try them . . . I have got to “Dorothy,” she said, “wait for do something about this drinking. me. Take another drink and go to She made the phone call. … bed.” Thank you, Helen, for calling AA. For some reason I did just that. Today I am sober. Four hours later she was sitting Dorothy L., Cutler, Calif.

January 1958

MESSAGE I N PSYCHO “Go HOME, SOMEONE WILL CALL YOU this evening and take you to a meeting. AA is a fellowship of men and women sharing a common problem, alcohol. You will learn more a t a meeting than I can ever tell you. Try meetings f r thirty days. Then, if you feel AA is not for you, turn yourself K in to Psyc 0.” How many times have I said that? How many times have I wondered if I helped? How many discouraging reports of those to whom I have talked? Where was the thrill of going on Twelfth Step calls? Where was the lift from institutional work? Am I doing or saying the right thing? Is institutional work for me? W h y do.1 do it? Do I reach the still suffering alcoholic? Why do I feel so guilty if I say “No” even though I feel so inadeguate? Questions! Questions! Questions! Maybe I had better stick to my typewriter. * It was a meeting I hadn’t attended for some time. One of the members came to me and asked if I remembered calling Vi several months ago from Psycho to see that Mary B. would get to a meeting. It seems Vi called her and she took Mary to her first meeting. I had a chance to talk to Mary that night and she hadn’t found it necessary to take a drink since that time. “I can’t thank you enough for being there,” she told me. D o you know how it feels to drop a nickel in a slot machine and have it light up, the bells ring and you hear the jingle of the jackpot? Well, that was just exactly how I felt. Just the thought now that someone somewhere is sober and happy because I was at the right place at the right time will sustain me always. Cathi M., Los Angeles, Cal.

best drunk day we can face our remove when I was entirely ready problems with a normal amount of for Him to take them. But He is serenity. my senior partner, His word and Most of the problems that beset will are the guides by which I to us are caused by trying to change fashion my sobriety. What Is Realistic Sobriety? the things we cannot change, such as other people and their attitudes. When it comes to restitution, again moderation and reality should That leads only to unhappiness and be the key note. There is no place frustration. Simple acceptance of in AA for hair shirts or sack ~10th people as they really are can save and ashes. With simplicity and us many heartaches. humility we try to the best of our Patience with oneself is another ability to undo the wrongs we have realistic goal. How often do we fall done. With those we cannot undo short of the perfectionist opinion we we must patiently accept the fact WHAT IS REALISTIC SOBRIETY? The where in life and finally, through have so deeply ingrained in our per- that we are willing. big book tells us that we are not the grace of God and the principles sonality. Rome was not built in a If we are humble, and see oursaints. When we realize that we are of AA returned to normalcy. day, nor was good character. I have selves as we really are our chances living as normal people, let us be The tumble off cloud nine can be been in AA for ten years and still for a realistic way of life are better careful not to daydream>ourselves very painful. I t is natural that we have character defects. I try to the than average. into a case of “halo-tosis”. The com- love AA and get a little hep on it best of my ability not to cling to F.S., Beach Belles (Women’s parison of what we used to be like when we first discover it has a way them. Some defects God saw fit to Group) Manhattan Beach, Calif. and what we are now may be very out of our dilemma but, if we can pleasing. But, with a tendency to- keep our goals realistic, we don’t ward inflated ego, we may go over- have too far to fall. board and imagine ourselves better A sober life contains many inthan we are if we are not careful. gredients: some happiness and joy, This is where humility can come to some sickness and sorrow. We have the rescue. If we just stbp and think the capacity of any normal person that there really is no seniority in to accept these things without turn- AA, that our leaders are but trusted ing to the bottle. servants, we can better accept the Emotional stability is the leveling fact that we are once again normal factor which enables us to live on an people who have taken our rightful even keel. We achieve this imporplace in society . . . not people set tant ingredient to a happy life apart. through the practical application of I do not go along with those who the Twelve Steps in our daily living. claim that as a whole we alcoholics Prayer and meditation is our greatare of superior intelligence-some est asset in achieving this goal, parare and some are not. But as a gen- ticularly when affliction or trouble eral rule we are just average people are our lot. If we remember that our who got off the right track some- worst sober day is better than our

February 1958

next Tuesday promises more of the meeting is temporary amnesia, selfsame and a year ago Sunday was induced to be sure, forgotten for just like last Thursday except for reasons unknown even to us except the indignity of a punch in the perhaps that they come under the nose, or some great crying jag that heading of protection of life, limb lasts for two swollen-eyed days and or ego. Those who have made a changes that day by a hair, what is study of the mind are not sure there to remember anyway? where the seat of memory lies. At I was incapable of viewing my the end of a long life our memo* past except as a maudlin creature are stored with information totalof fantasy in which things always ing more details than the nine looked better if not beautiful million volumes in the Library of yesterday. Pass out-blackout-or Congress. To remember is an irnjust refusal to remember a blister- pr’tant part of intelligence. How ing piece of truth-all helped to we manage to tell in fifteen or erase the pain. If the memory of a twenty minutes an impression of bad night persisted, I trimmed all our ten or twenty or thirty years the rough edges by neatly obliter- drinking past-to piece together I REMEMBER DRIVING along the Old acute alcoholism was recalled to ating a detail here, a fact there, the jig-saw of our drinking days- Montauk Highway at eighty miles my mind. until only a half painful picture is a miracle of the memory. an hour, a t night, and coming out As a drunk some days of my life remained . . . and it was “their” Only in AA has the freedom been of a blackoat just as I missed a in a twenty-four clock were man- fault anyway. given us to reach far back into our man walking along the curve of the road. Until I remembered that, gled except for one hour. Out of some weeks the fragments of a day How many of us even think we memory and pull out the truth . .. have a story to tell when we first separate the fantasy from the real I forgot that. I had ever driven may be hazily recollected. Months of drinking days melted one into come to AA-how lucky we are that .. . evaluate ourselves .now sober. while even slightly intoxicated. memory is what it is and nothing As we hear other alcoholics tell the I remember myself as a fun the other, with such monotony .. . more. The human memory is a truth of their drinking days our drinker-loud, funny, and sociable hangover – drunkenness – drunk- tricky mechanism. I t deserts us a t memory begins to uncoil and un- -and always being around people enness – hangover – to-the-bar – the tip of remembrance, it will re- scramble. It’s a slow, creaking proc- . . . until I remembered the un- sleep-sleepto-the-bar. . .. So call the dimmest facts, long forgot- ess which picks up tempo as the sociable, un-fun, empty mornings, much monotony that one year can ten, for survival. I t betrays us at truth becomes easier to bear. Thank the lonely summer weekends in a hardly be distinguished from the times and is limited a t best, where God we don’t have total recall at hot and beachless city bar. And year before except that the monot- I some details are concerned; yet it our first meeting or twenty-fourthe next morning the things I re- ony of the drunkenness seems in- I will keep, graphically and dramat- hours later-we couldn:t take it. It membered were black and blue and tensified, the hangover longer, the ically etched, one day which seems would flood us back into the bottle. foggy and crystal clear and awful. sleep less, the need for the bar to have lost any real importance, We remember as we are ready to I remembered only a “few” bad greater – a daily-weekly-monthly- so far as conscious memory goes. remember. When the shame is b nights in the last “few” bad yearly rendezvous with some fur- Even without liquor, memories moved and the terror diminished years of my drinking . . . until I ther monotony. Certainly a thing have the humane faculty for ob- our memory relaxes and allows us remembered the whole insidious to forget . . . and forget it is what literating that which is intolerable. new ease hitherto unknown in out progression of years of bad drink- I did. To forget an important date or puzzled and frightened minds. We ing in which a total picture of If Tuesday is like Thursday and

start to recover. I have heard it derful things to remember . . . said that gratitude is the memory things not so much measured by of the heart. We for some reason where we were at two o’clock last have been given back the gift of Christmas as by the magnificent life. In order to match this gift of comparisons of yesterday’s life with life with the gift of lovt+love that today’s. This gift is given us by is born of gratitud-it seems that memory. we, once recovered, have some won- L. A., New York.

March 1958

I worked harder to stay sober than renity Prayer and Step Eleven are I ever did to stay drunk. But it has my guideposts. been worth every heartache and Material possessions I don’t have tear. My husband has had twelve -but what I do have, all the money months of sobriety in five years. in the world could not buy: peace God and AA have given me a of mind and friends. I’ve lost my A Chance to Find Out strength I can’t express. I’ve been health since becoming sober, but not my courage. given the courage to change the things I can. Since being in AA and I’m still only in my thirties and practicing its principles in all my they say life begins at forty. With waking hours, I have found seren- the help of God and AA I am being ity and peace of mind. My father, given the chance to find out. with eight years of sobriety, has Anonymous, Calif. I HAVE BEEN RELUCTANT to but I had to find out for myself. I been an inspiration for me. My hus- P.S.’:I have been taking the Grape the Grapevine, but possibly it will was a rebel from the day I was band is still a practicing alcoholic, vine since August of 1952-1 didn’t be the only way I’ll find my an- born. I don’t believe alcoholism is and I feel that only by my honesty, read them much then but have sure swer. open – mindedness and willingness made up for lost time. Keep them hereditary. When I drank, I drank Although I have been to several only for oblivion-no worries or will I be able to help him. The Se- coming. Merent groups, I have not found a cares. I have never found an alcoparallel to my own drinking pat- holic drink that I liked; it always tern. I d o s t have years of drinking took several drinks before one would behind me. … I left home while in stay put. I never drank for any special reason except maybe fear. I hopped freights, and hitch-hiked, always changed my name for each town I landed in. (I was branded an habitual liar in the first grade.) I got married so many times, always blaming i t on my husband when the marriage went on the rocks. I never would sit down and find out what was wrong; I’d just walk away-go to some other state, get married, do it all over again. My last marriage was to another alcoholic. For over six years now my teens. Married young, had two this one has lasted-the longest of sons-both lost to me through my any. drinking. A1though I was first acquainted Since my father was an alcoholic, with AA twelve years ago, I have I knew what alcohol would do- only thirty-one months of sobriety.

March 1 9 5 8

about that time “somewhere in the that I did not have to be in Eng- Highlands” a s t h a t other time land to be at home. Home is where “somewhere on Cape Cod.” God is. Home is where two AAa Here in England we have all lived meet for the purpose of sharing very close together on a very small their problem, giving their thanks island for a very long time. In order and spreading their sobriety. Home to do so we have developed seem- is where the heart is and my heart ingly rigid rules of conduct and is plumb in the middle of the mokireticence (when not drunk). In est meeting to be found between Loe

are America there seems to be a good deal of space left and a good many ways of getting there, so that if you Angeles and London. When I got back to London my vision must have been less limited do not like your neighbor you can than it had been on my finst return not go and find another one (when not drunk). trip, because there was nothing wrong with AA! There waa only so When I found AA in America I much that was so wonderful that I

different was lifted off my feet by a kindness and consideration that I attributed solely to AA. I was never conscious could not get over it and never have. My fine, sound, soft-spoken English fellow-alcoholics were carrying that enough before to know whether the persistent and unavoidable message people were kind or not. I did not to flushed and shaking drunks like realize that warm and welcoming me, and the spirit of AA was in their hospitality is a national characteris- every utterance, that spirit of pa- AMERICAN PEOPLE, when they are shock when I had drunk myself to tic anyway, quite apart from AA. tience and good humor and laughter abroad, seem to be very American; the end of the rope in America. I Likewise when I came back to and sympathy and encouragement. and English people, whether a t was convinced of one thing: what- England the AA members seemed to We are not Uerent. home or abroad, seem to be very ever the customs of these people, be very orderly, quiet, and formal. Not American AAs and not Eng- English. This is just as trbe inside however it was they arranged their “What,” I said, “is WRONG with lish AAs but simply =drunks, are I AA as outside it, and is direct evi- meetings, their social activities, their AA?” “These are a new kind whom the only channels for a Power which I dence of the unique power of AA to companionship, their transport, you have never met before,” said achieves the impossible day after use our individual and national and whatever the climate and whatever the member with me. “You see,” day, week after week, twenty-four international differences. form their wonderful talks took-Z he went on, “they are English.” He hours after twenty-four hours, in The spirit of AA lives in our hu- had found my own people. Their was bubbling over with mirth. our thousands of sober lives. How man hearts and it is this spirit which language was my language and I We are not different. blessed we are to fhd our problem is heard by the desperate drunk who understood it from the start, and Recently I made another trip to a common one, but how much more comes seeking an answer-not the they understood me. America and I listened at many blessed to have the way to live passed accent or the phraseology. We are not different. meetings which to me were special on to us from Bill and Dr. Bob, The first therapeutic shock of joy I, for one, knew just as little and personal meetings. They were written in simple words on a card comes when we find, for the first about the years I was drunk in Lon- special and personal all the way that slips in any pocket! time, that we are not alone. I am don as about the years I was drunk from New York to San Francisco So if you would hear about Eng- English and I first received this in Washington, D. C.; just as much I and back because of my discovery lish AA, let me tell you that I have 1

found these things which are dif- oak chair occasionally. ferent: We are not different. (1) Usually we wear overcoats. “Personal recovery depends upon (2) Often we have colds. AA unity.” I t seems, too, as though (3) Usually we drink tea-large AA unity depends upon its freedom quantities only. to grow naturally in any place (4) Often we sit in rather heavy where people get drunk enough long oak chairs with arms to them. enough a n d unhappily enough, I have seen American AAs in where people treasure their sobriety “top-coats,” I have known them to enough to lend a helping hand in have a cold, I have known them to any language. drink tea (small quantities only), No. We are not different. and I have seen them sit in a heavy Tani, London, England

April

simply by our first names. After the glass to Jim saying, “You finish it. meeting my friend said she’d cor- I don’t want it.” Suddenly I had rect the error, that of course I thought of the beer as “brain poishould have been introduced as son.” And that was my last drink. non-alcoholic. But, secretly con- Jim and I attended four more cerned over my own drinking, I The Telltale Symptoms whispered “No! Wait!” The following week Jim and I meetings together. But despite efforts of several male members to sober him up, Jim kept on drinking. went to the meeting by ourselves. Soon he left town and I lost track One of the speakers, an Italian, said of him. But I continued to attend he’d drunk wine since he was seven. meetings. WHEN I HAD SCARLET FEVER and was Unlike the rest of his family, he’d I didn’t often participate in distaken to New York City’s “Peat been an alcoholic ever since. Al- cussions. Believing I hadn’t drunk House,” I was sure the doctors had though he hadn’t hnd much school- enough to qualify, I felt guilty being made a wrong diagnosis, that I ing, he’d won a scholarship at an there. So I was astonished when didn’t belong there . . . until, like art school and had done well as a members began to exclaim, “My! all the other scarlet fever patients, commercial artist. No one had ever You look so much better!” I hadn’t I began to peel. told him he drank too much or, ap- realized anything had been wrong Years later, when I started at- parently, had even suspected that with my looks. Later someone extending AA meetings I again be- he was a lone wine drinker. plained, “The swelling’s gone from lieved I was in the wrong place. I your face.” hadn’t drunk much. I couldn’t be At t h i s p i n t my heart speeded alcoholic! I was sure+-until, like up. I also drank wine alone. Few They remarked also on how nice other AAs–my symptoms began to . suspected. At parties I drank nor- my hair looked-that it had a show. Now, after a year on the pro- mally. If occasionally I got tight, sheen! And several people, both in gram, I admit to what Webster de- my drinking companions were in and out of AA, told me that my fines as “a diseased condition pro- the same condition and thought skin looked clearer and that my duced by alcohol!’ nothin2 of it. voice had improved amazingly. Yet even my family and closest Then t h e ‘ s h k e r mentioned “the For years my huskiness had been friends hadn’t suspected. insa&ty of that first drink.” I didn’t a tender subject. When. someone I didn’t seek help from AA. A know then what he meant. But it asked if I had a cold, I’d glare. For man I’ll call Jim had just returned brought up fears. What made me I’d been told fifteen years earlier by from sea and was “haunting” my forget names? Why did I some- a throat specialist in Sacramentohouse. He had charm. I’d been a times start a sentence, break off and where I wrote scripts and broadcast divor& for years and was lonely. start another? Why did I some- a woman’s program for a radio sta- But because of Jim’s heavy drink- with him, then invited us both to times have bursts of anger when tion-that if I wanted my throat ing, I was uneasy having him an AA meeting. alone? What made me so nervous cured I was not to smoke one cigaaround. A woman friend, Jean, was visit- when I was driving? rette, not to take one drink. A married couple I knew had re- ing me then, and we took her to the After the meeting Jim was thirsty I had tried to stop then, and cently joined AA, and thinking they meeting with us. and we headed for a bar. He or- eventually managed to cut out might help Jim, I took him to call The chairman introduced Jean as dered beers for each of us. On my smoking for six months at a time. on them. They had a long taik a non-alcoholic, but Jim and me But one cigarette, and I was right + second, I pushed my half-empty

back to the two-and-a-half-pack-a- which came in tenth-size bottles. I latched on to another habidcoffee. has completely cleared. My thinkday routine. I never completely was afraid of fifths, knowing that I drink ten to fifteen cups a day. ing has sharpened, my memory’s . gave up drinking . . I rationalized, within a few hours, I’d drink the But I’m not too worried. It’s just improved. I’m seldom angry, and I “Drinking isn’t really a habit like whole bottle. one more proof that I’m addictive. whisk through my housework in cigarettes. I can give that up any Sometimes after drinking my sol- I gave up smoking the same week I nothing flat. time.” But somehow I never got itary tenth I’d be invited out for gave up alcohol, and on the whole Several friends have asked, around to it. cocktails; perhaps also for dinner, I’m in better health than I’ve ever “What are you doing in AA? You A year after consulting this doc- with wine and after-dinner cordials. been. were never an alcoholic!” tor (and avoiding him thereafter), Then the next day I’d have a hor- Three months after my last drink, Well, maybe not, but I certainly I left Sacramento to work at a radio rible hangover. I got my first real writing break- did have telltale symptoms. And I station in Chicago. There I wrote in television. Now, after a year on know that AA has given me my I never went on prolonged binges, “second chance.” scripts, but my broadcasting was was seldom “high” for more than the program, I also have regular limited to a half-hour program a anhour or two. I’ve had only three magazine assignments. My voice E. K.,Mill Valley, Calif. week. Eventually it became such a or four black-outs, and have rarely strain to talk that I had to give up passed out. I used to count my broadcasting altogether. drinks, and rarely crossed that line When I returned to California to where I was out of control. But become a free-lance writer, my keeping my drinking under control throat specialist here prescribed di- was a constant strain. athermy, voice exercises, diet–even My thinking had become blurred. psychotherapy. But nothing seemed I was haunted by vague fears over to work. Talking became such an my predicament in life. I wasn’t effort that I began to avoid gather- married, wasn’t working, wasn’t sellings of all kinds and was deeply ing my stories. Often I couldn’t frightened…. But not frightened sleep. I dreaded the simplest jobs enough to give up smoking and like cleaning house. I had only a d~inking.Instead, I submitted to a few friends. M a t were heavy drinkdelicate and expensive throat op- ers, which made my drinking seem eration. inconsequential. Afterward I couldn’t speak for At the time I was led to AA several weeks and did manage to through trying to help Jim, an obgive up my twin vices. But when I vious alcoholic, I was down a t the started talking again and found my heel, discouraged, only half living. throat greatly relieved, I decided After I stopped drinking I develmy trouble was over and that a cig- oped a craving for sweets and was arette or a drink now and then soon eating up to a dozen candy wouldn’t hurt. bars a day. My weight soared until So, gradually, the old habits crept a doctor put me on a high protein back-and the old huskiness. diet which killed my desire for su- Usually I drank burgundy, sau- gar, and my weight dropped nearterne or sherry-wines I liked, ly twenty pounds. However, I’ve

May 1958

There I heard the word “God”- patience and love and understandand like Satan himself, I prepared ing. There was “many a slip ‘twixt to flee. cup and lip” before I was able to I waited, though, until the admit-honestly and from within speaker had finished his short talk. my very soul-that I am an alco- (I must admit I have always been holic. The day I admitted t h a t a very polite drunk-as long as I yea, realized it-a little light was allowed to have my own way. ) seemed to click on and I knew I Then I excused myself and left the was ready to start to grow. meeting . .. back to the bars, to Since I am an alcoholic I know i t brag about my own superiority to is only by practicing the Twelve Learning I AA-knowing deep down inside that I now faced only death. Steps that I can retain Sobriety (with the large S ) . I want to I had lost my ace in the hole. remember what a fellow member to live There’s not much point in recalling the terror of the following week. said: “The AA program is not so much one of repeated efforts to I knew it was either AA or the build up or re-build character; it end of the Big Me. Little did I is rather one of repeated acts o f know it was to be both. And do surrender in order to destroy charyou know that even in order to acter–our own twisted one! The return to AA I had to have an new one? God will take care of that excuse? I would have two days of in His own time and way, provided sobriety (with a small s ) behind we let go and let God take over.” me . . . I would be clean and And so I pray, not that God will ‘ appropriately dressed . . . and then use me but that He will make me I’d go back and “show ’em.” useful-and willing. I went back, all right-and you In a way I guess my. drunken LAsr SEPTEMBER THIRD was my bar to bar waving my arms and can guess who showed who. I came prediction was pretty true although, I thirty-ninth birthday. I had de- bragging about how I was never away from the meeting without a in typical alcoholic fashion, I ex- I cided a few days previously that I again to touch a drop of liquor. smart crack left in me and (by the pected it to happen too quickly. would go to an AA meeting on that “Today,” I hiccuped, “I turn my- Grace of God) willing to try. I Maybe at forty I can start to comday to find out what it was all self in to Alcoholics Anonymous. tried hard for three months and the mence to begin to live. about. Most of you reading this Life begins a t forty and I’m giving members of our group tried with Anne T . are familiar with the desperate myself a year of preparation.” (One me, giving unstintingly of their Kelsey ville, Calif. situation that would bring about of the world’s most bigoted fools such a decision. &–naturally, the had unknowingly uttered a pearl of possibility that I might be about to wisdom. ) quit drinking called for a celebra- A stinking drunken mess, I artion .. . three-day one which I rived at the AA meeting (by the called the Grand Finale. Grace of God) just at the reading On the great day I went from of Chapter Five of The Big Book.

May 1958

the room: “You don’t HAVE to despair and remorse would be terhave one.” rifying. My confused mind had somc- I thank God for the miracle of how grabbed onto the idea that a kindness He wrought upon me by “slip” was mandatory to growth. gently lifting me up to a world of Today I happened to read-in a serenity, peace and happiness. I Lesson telephone index, of all placesthat, “The man who thinks he has don’t ever want to have to tell Him to take that miracle away…. arrived is already slipping.” These I try to study the happy old two thoughts are very vivid today: timers, and almost to a man (and In Humility ‘ you don’t have to have a slip . . . a woman) they have the qualities but don’t think you are ever at the I want: Faith, hope, charity, kindpoint where you have it made! ness, tolerance, calmness, under- . It is my opinion that should I standing-and acceptance. And I ever take another drink, I must like the great sense of humor they realize ahead of time that my moral have: they can laugh at themselves. responsibility begins at the moment One of the most contagious attri- I I take it and that I am responsible butes around AA is the goodt STILL A NEOPHYTE. I don’t know for the rotten things I do when I natured kidding and the happy, what cloud I’m on but whatever am no longer able to think clearly kind laughter. There are tears and i t is, it’s wnderful. At the most for myself. I must put the blame compassion, too. And the heartbeat unexpeoted moments, the realiza- where it rightfully be1ongs-m me. of the AA group is love. tion of what sobriety means to me I don’t want to lose this way of I want to hold onto it tightly. I hits me and I whisper a little life. I think my first chance was my must remember as Barrie said, “Life prayer of gratitude that today- last chance and that I never would is one long lesson in humility.” I this moment-I am doing without have the stamina to fight my way must never forget what it was like alcohol. . back again . . although I have the day they took me in. I .. One year and nine and a half seen many others do so. I know Rita C., Travis Club months ago, I couldn’t visualize I would hate myself again and the Houston, Texas life without the “help” of liquor. I took my sponsor’s word for it that I could live without it, one day a t a time. That approach somehow seemed easier. I didn’t t want to have to look ahead to over a slip. The chairman unexweeks or years–or a l i f e t i m e pectedly called on me–I was still without it. in the shaking-all-over stage but I I remember so clearly one night did manage one question when I much earlier in the game, when got up: “When do I have to have everyone who got up to talk a t a my slip?’ – meeting seemed to be iust petting v – -MYsponsor shouted from across

these people. I tried the Twelve I found myself standing alone, Steps to the best of my ability. I thirty-seven cents in my pocket, thought I was getting along fine. the clothes on my back, and two And the words that made the most thousand miles from home. I said sense were, “… courage to change one prayer, “Lord, if I am to surthe things I can.” vive I must get to my children.” There wasn’t anything I couldn’t This time the prayer was not anand didn’t change. Every single swered by merely stepping aboard thing I didn’t like, I changed. And a plane and getting home in eleven how it worked! I stopped going to hours; it was not answered by stepmeetings-figured I now had the ping on the Super Chief with every program and had outgrown sitting desirable service known to man; at a meeting every week. I was at it was not answered by driving the top of the heap again in busi- across country with a good car and ness and life was perking along at a pocketful of money. a great rate. No, this time it was answered The day came when it stopped by making the trip across country perking and boiled over. I found broke and sleeping on the desert. myself on the inside looking out of Fear was my constant companion. a mental institution! And I hadn’t I remember I got to a town in had a drink in a year and a half. Kansas. I had to fry fish for my I came out completely confused. supper. I not only had to cook At least, I told myself, when I was them, I had to catch them first. drinking I never was crazy! Back My pride was great. I got drunk. to the bottle I went. I sat at that bar and happened WHISKEYAND WATER KEPT ME ALNE crashed it into a guardrail at I remember getting a plane a t to glance down and saw a pair of when I was born, and I believe I seventy miles an hour, only to find New Orleans. It was an American bare feet covered with mud. On have always been an alcoholic. At the car hurt but a little and me Airlines ship, and my seat was over second glance I saw the feet befourteen I drank two martinis and not at all; what was that impene- the left wing. I was shaking to longed to me. That was a nice passed out. At sixteen I had but one trable wall I crashed into and could pieces and kept saying to myself, peaceful little town that probably thought: “where do I get the next not get through as I headed toward “what am I going to do?’Glancing never heard of skid row. They saw drink, and when!’ the river with the one hope that out the window I saw on the wing it that day. For the following twenty-one I’d drown? two huge letters-AA. All across I got home and the family got years this thought motivated my After these happenings 1 finally said to myself, “Perhaps I should the country I looked at them. back together. I had done what I life. And so alcohol ruled. But not drink.” At that very moment I went back to AA in Douglas, had set out to do. Mission comsomething else was working, too. How else did I bring the car safely the doorbell rang and a fellow stood Arizona. I worked the program to pleted. I sat down with the bottle home night after night in a total there whom I hadn’t seen for three the extent that I went to the meet- in October and never got up until blackout? What held back all trains years. That night I attended my ings and I did not drink. Before February. Once again I put on my on a busy railroad track, while I first AA meeting. long, as was bound to happen, I got cowboy clothes (I’m a girl!), and sat in the middle of it; what held I saw there was a way out, that drunk. This time I lost my children, in the midst of a blizzard walked back my car, when I deliberately the AA program worked for all lost everything. down from my hill here, and was

heading due West, back to Arizona. Time went along, month in and A voice within me said, “Get to month out. I didn’t have a hope Marie’s.” or a prayer left. I didn’t drink be- There wasn’t any arguing with cause I was scared. It’s a horrible that voice, it meant what it said. thing to wake up every morning A cab picked me up and took me to another day which holds nothout to her home. The driver handed ing. me a bottle of wine as I was getting But I sensed this was the last out and said, “Here kid, you’d bet- battle. The conviction was firm that ter take this.” I heard myself say, if I drank again I’d never get an- “No. No, I won’t be needing any other chance. I got tired. Finally more.” The voice was mine; the and a t long last the morning came thought certainly wasn’t. when I put my head down on the As I said these words it was as kitchen table and said, “All right, though a block of ice melted and God-you win. Let me want to want a warmth went through me. to accept the things I cannot Back once more to AA I attended change.” the meetings for a time, and then That’s all it took. I believe I took stopped going. This was a battle the third step right then. I’m free I had to fight alone. The Twelve at last. I no longer have the awful Steps and me. The third step was responsibility of me. It’s in greater my block $nd I knew it. I did not hands. want to give my will over to God Today I am at peace and can because I knew He’d make me do only humbly say, “Thank You, what I was sure was not the right Father. I’m home at last.” thing for me! M . P., Binghamton, New York

J u l y 1958

1 A M AN ALCOHOLIC. started going to AA my first week I really can’t remember when I took a t home. I heard, saw, and talked my first drink, but when I did, it AA. got the devil’s strangle-hold on me. I am now a sober alcoholic. I I lost all power and sense of reason- have been in AA for sixteen months ing, my days and nights became and have earned the respect of my utter confusion. By the time I was husband, family, and my new-found twenty-eightmy life was one of fear friends in AA. I no longer live in a and despair. life of despair and fear, but my life I then met and married a wonder- is happiness and sunshine. Through ful man, but he was an alcoholic AA I have found the dearest word3 also. As time went by our life be- in the world-faith, hope, and charcame unmanageable, and we no ity. I have regained all my lost longer cared for the decent things in faith, and have put hope and charlife. Our marriage was on the rocks. ity in a new way of life. This was Then I went far astray and while just a small episode in my life. But I was drunk, committed a felony. I when I found AA it was a new bewas sent to our state institution for ginning. thirteen months. I am also proud to say that my While I was in there my husband husband has been a sober alcoholic found a new way of I i f e A A . Every for two years. We have succeeded, month when he came to visit me he thus far, by the work and love that talked AA. I became a believer; I we share together. made up my mind that if AA could D.J.D., Anon., Osceola, Nebraska help him, I surely could succeed, P.S. In our group of eight members with his help and the help of AA. I I am the only woman.

August 1958

deserted me. I had no faith a t all that happen only in fairy tales. My and I felt alone with the whole mother and I are not close and world on my shoulders. I believed probably never will be, but we can I was the only one with a problem accept the fact. All three of us have like mine. Everybody else had nice gone through a lot and the scan mothers who took them places and still show. We have all matured Questions bought them frilly party dresses. I felt miserable because I could not through what happened and can understand other people betterparticipate in their activities. not judging as quickly as we used My shell was my only consola- to. I think if we had it to do over tion. 1 drew deeper and deeper into again we would do it, because of all, it. I dreamed of everything other the wonderful things AA and Al- Little people took for granted. In other Anon .have to teach. words, here was society over there, I believe that just finding out that having fun and making merry, and I was not alone was the greatest here was I over here, alone and ter- gift Al-Anon bestowed upon me. I ribly unhappy. learned, too, that my mother was One night in March a lady came suffering from a disease and I felt to see mother. She told her about less ashamed. I realized for the first something called AA. Mother stayed time that I had faults. That was sober for two days and attended a something I had never thought of meeting on Saturday night. I went before. I felt that if the drinking to the next meeting and two weeks stopped everything would be fine. later was invited to Al-Anon. I did I t didn’t work that way though. I Wdrink?did Wmyh y mother HY have to We spent most of our time in the couldn’t she be Moose Club Lounge. not realize a t the time that Al-Anon was to be the key which would found God. H e hadn’t left me like I thought. I learned to turn my life like other mothers? Didn’t she lova When I was seven we moved to me any more? God doesn’t love me Medford, Oregon and I hoped des- open a whole new world for me. over to Him, to live one day a t a any more either. I f He did He’d perately that things would change, Our pink cloud didn’t last long time, and to accept the things I answer my prayers and make moth- but the bars were just as noisy and for mother stayed sober for only cannot change. er stop drinking. just as smelly. Things changed from one month. During a five months’ This is my last year a t high D o these words sound familiar? bad to worse. drinking period which followed I school and the first year I can smile Did you ever think them or hear Friends, I didn’t have any. How still attended AA and Al-Anon a t my fellow students in the halls. your children speak them? could I? I never knew when mother meetings. Why? I don’t know. Ev- I feel like I belong and that I am My mother got drunk every day would come honw drunk. I had ery time I think back and wonder accepted. My shell is completely from the time I was old enough to brought friends in bcfore and rnoth- why I continued going I come up broken. Society is still over there reason until I was twelve. My fa- er always came staggering in with with the same two words each time laughing and having fun but now ther worked for the railroad a t whiskey on her breath, and she -“God’s providence.” I’m over there too. I t was AA and ‘ night and during the day we would would make a fool of herself. So That was five years ago. I can’t Al-Anon that bridged the gap and make the rounds of all the bars in each night I would just sit in my say we have lived happily ever after made it possible. Laramie, Wyoming (until they put room and feel sorry for myself, because this is life and things like Sharon K., Medford, Oregon the “no minors allowed” signs up). wishing I could die. I felt God had I I

August 1958

Sober Foundation

ou are an alcoholic, and you’d children. I was terrified at the say I felt a change as if my mind mal today t h a n they have ever “Y better do something about it.” speed with which my mind and I heard a loud voice saying this and body had been cleansed and were ready for new thoughts and been, and each day of sobriety adds a stone to the foundation. body were breaking up. I was 10sas I was lying on the couch in my ing everyone and everything I right actions. My life was in a ter- To those friends who now say, usual stupor. The last couple of loved. I needed help! rible mess and it didn’t straighten “You could have done it yourself years I had heard a variety of When I first joined AA preoccu- out immediately, though I now if you’d only tried,” I just explain I voices, sten many unusual insects pation with self held me back. I knew what I had to do to make took the easy way-God and AA. and animals-but this, somehow, believed those friends who said that things right. Things are more nor- R. H.,Jacksonville, Florida made an impression. I stumbled to I was too young to be an alcoholic the phone, and after a frantic hour, and that I didn’t look like one. I I finally contacted an AA. That was got drunk and proved a point-I my first contact-thirteen months was. Then I felt sorry for poor ago-and thank God, AA stuck. little me because I was a doomed though not right away. I had alcoholic; so I got drunk again! trouble twice. But when I knew so- Finally I saw the light-just a briety was a life and death matter, little. I t didn’t actually matter when I wanted it more than any- what I thought when I thought the thing in life, and when I asked God wrong things because I always to help me achieve i t t h e way was ended up the same way-drunk. I made clear to me. had tried everything. As I sat cn- My life had to come to an end veloped in a black fog of misery, and a new one had to start. I had the words “Give myself over to the been drinking since I was a youny care of God” came to me. Without girl. All my ideas, attitudes and thinking about it or rationalizing habits revolved around alcohol. At my action, I did. thirty I was divorced, with two A new life began. I can honestly

September 1958

A Life To Win

E CAN FIND our own way with we have done to ourselves and tho who has thoroughly followed our thoughts and punishing self-recrim- W the help of God. An alcoholic idea we have become helpless to path. After twenty-five years of drinkination, and to realize that with a is lost-then through AA, i t s overcome this fear. We are con- Higher Power I can find the Grace members, the program and the stantly searching. But what are we ing, I found I had to do a big job of God. Twelve Steps–he is found, because searching for? A way to find our- on my body to get it back into some I celebrated my sixth anniversary he is a b b to find himself. That is selves. Then, beat and lost, we come kind of a normal condition. With in AA last February, and my huswhat our founders have shown us in the door of an AA clubhouse the aid of a good medical doctor, band, a carpenter who drank thirty -to find the way. They tell us in or a meeting, and here we find one who advised against tranquiliz- of his fifty-three years, celebrated two simple words spoken long ago men and women who look happy, ers even though I complained of his sixth anniversary in January. by Christ: “Follow me.” A man or talk kindly to us and, after a life- bad nerves and difficulty in sieep- I want to thank the Daytona woman who drinks needs to be free. time of hopeless despair, we get a ing, I built myself up by taking Beach AAs for a wonderful beginvitamins and observing a correct In order to be free, he of she has message. ning in a sober way of life, one day The message is hope. I t comes food diet. Then, the mental part of at a time. I believe each one of to straighten out his or her life, recovery was to overcome fear, to theth is still carrying the message starting with the First Step in AA. through a fog. It seeps through the learn each day to take a dose of to those who need it. I t was suggested to me that I hangover. Again, we begin to think. positive thinking and shut out bad admit I was powerless over alcohol Can I live with myself after what Marion M., Washington, D. C. and that my life had become un- I have done to myself and to my manageable. Surely someone who loved ones? There is an answer in had been drinking over the years- just one simple word-yes. We twenty-five of them with no pur- meet many people from different pose other than to forgeGhas lost walks of life and each one tells us the way. We can.not accept our- how they are free to live one day selves as we are and no one else without having to take the first can accept us either. drink. The Fifth Chapter of the It is not conceit that makes us AA book, “How it Works,” states: drink but rather the fear of what Rarely have we seen a person fail

October 1 9 5 8

– – “5i

close drinking companions. I was other was pulled along in a mood of scared. Earlier, trying to quit on skepticism, resentment, or amused my own, I’d had enough experience curiosity, wondering how long the Three-Way Marriage of going drinkless a month, getting spouse would stay on this AA kick. enraged at the carefree, stupid im- And there had been as many s l i p bibers around me and, in retaliation, as with the lone alcoholic. hitting the bottle again (and may- So I wasn’t surprised that it was L O O K E D over t h e pamphlets on – but what about the shaky, I spread out on the long table at the open meeting. I spotted one called The Alcoholic Husband, nightmare-ridden drunk like myself, who was trying the AA way and whose spouse was still faithful to be my wife, too, for good measure). a year before my wife showed some When I got back, I was dried out interest in AA for herself, came to enough to be able to live close to her first closed meeting-and got practicing alcoholics, including the angry a t the program all over again! another The Alcoholic Wife, a third the bottle? What special advice did one I love best, without resorting to A year wasn’t an unreasonably AA For The Woman. I looked at AA have for me? that particular infantile revenge. Or long time for her to wait before dethe rest of the titles. I t was just as Precious little-and yet that little maybe I was just lucky. At any rate ciding that her husband (always a I’d feared-there wasn’t one dealing turned out to be very precious, as I was able to start trying to stumble crazy enthusiast!) might be serious with the special problem of me and I fully realized only much later. My around on those Twelve Steps, get- about this new thing and that permy spouse. sponsor said to me, “There’s one ting sober on my own, for myself haps there was something serious There wasn’t one called The Al- thing you’ve got to face: Your wife only. about the AA thing itself. coholic Husband and Wife. Fresh may never quit drinking. She may Now, after a year or so on the Maybe she’ll have another go a ton the program, I felt somewhat ag- never even try to. Maybe she’s an program, I have a little more per- the program; maybe she won’t. grieved. The alcoholic husband-he alcoholic. Maybe she isn’t. Only she spective. I don’t feel my problem is Maybe she’s starting the business of had AA made, with his sober wife can answer that question. And special. I’ve learned a little more trying to quit under her own power. to help and applaud. Same for the there’s only one person you can keep about the AA husband and wife I spent an agonizing six months alcoholic wife with her sober mate. sober. Yourself.” teams. They aren’t quite the golden- that way before I called on AA. If But what if both husband and I t was a tough statement, the only guy-and-gal partnerships they’d so, how fortunate that I didn’t start wife were destructively heavy tough one AA has ever handed me, seemed to me during the early getting impatient with her a year drinkers-as I knew was the case and maybe a little tougher because days, when my alcohol-blurred eyes ago. And how much better it will be in many alcoholic marriages besides I remembered, somewhat guiltily, saw AA as the glowing home of if I show patience with her now my own? Each of them uses the that when I’d called AA I’d said I perfection. and always. other’s drinking to excuse his (her) was calling for myself . . . and my I gradually discovered that they But as for being a great help and own misbehavior. Each of them wife. Here was my sponsor taking frequently hadn’t come on the pro- example in getting my wife into AA claims it’s impossible to give up away from me my noblest reason gram at the same time. Sometimes -brother, I just have to watch out drinking because the other needs the for contacting AA: my desire to get the wife had made it first, sometimes that I don’t throw any monkey bottle so badly and love demands my wife on the program, too. But the husband. And sometimes the wrenches in her direction! Seeing to indulgence. A three-way marriage I filed away the advice with all the second member of the team had it that I don’t gum up her first ten- –one flesh permeated with alcohol. other steps and gimmicks AA had taken a long time getting on the tative efforts out of sheer conceit as I’d heard about husband and wife been offering me. field; sometimes, in fact, he or she an “old timer” is the best thing I teams in AA, but I gathered they’d A week or so later I applied this hasn’t gotten there yet. can do for her. always come on the program a t the advice without knowing i t when I Even when the husband and wife There are some things which I same time. Fine, fine-wonderful arranged to spend two months far went to their first meeting together, have to remind myself of ‘all the , teamwork, inspiring loyalty, and so away from my wife and my other generally one was the leader; the time. Very hesitantly I include themrt&

t

here as suggestions to the AA with Without saying a word, you may be a drinking spouse. They are in nega- exuding enough AA to give your tive form, which may detract from spouse an allergy to it as well as to them, but they help me. What they alcohol. I t may be best that your do for my wife is problematical. At spouse come on the program with a least they save her some black sponsor unknown to you. eyes. 6. Don’t judge–not only after 1. Avoid anger. the first week or month, but after 2. Don’t ever be embarrassed. the first year or five years. Only the While supremely tolerant and com- person himself can decide whether passionate toward the alcoholic he is an alcoholic and what he wants stranger, the AA is apt to be sensi- to do about it. That he or she is tive about the slips and fancied or your spouse”is quite irrelevant. And real faux pas of the alky close to don’t ever dream of her or his ultihim, whether pigeon, sponsor, or mate sobriety being your big reward spouse. Remember that you were a in AA. drunken bum yourself and may be 7. Don’t set your sights too one again and that you’re no para- high. Try to be a good average husgon of behavior sober. Relax. band or wife. 3. Don’t hug your sobriety to 8. Pray. This situation seems yourself. The AA living with a especially suited to prayer, if only drunken spouse and maybe drunken because prayer is silent and God friends may very easily start think- never tells. Contrary to some cynics, ing, ‘? made it; they didn’t. Am I a wife does know more about her not amazing?’ If one or more of husband than anyone else, and a them decides to quit, too, he just husband more about his wife. But might resent having to share his there are magical bars, perhaps a lone sober splendor. divine barrier, around this knowledge; if used selfishly or in order 4. Don’t envy the AA with a to manipulate the other person, it l i f e h e sober spouse. They both can bring disaster; it can be safely have problems you and I certainly used only to increase our tactfulness don’t know about. There are even and make our prayers more efficaadvantages to having a spouse who cious. drinks: You have the example of Incidentally, I still think there active alcoholism always before you, should be a pamphlet on this topic, and you’re married to your Twelfth maybe one called The Alcoholic Step work. (But don’t become de- Marriage. pendent on this.) The above article appeared in Chi- 5. Don’t oversell AA. In fact, cago’s Here’s How as “When Half of you’d better not try to sell it at all. the Wet Pair Dries Out.”

October

my husband has become since join- tain of bills, to give our children ing AA. the little stability they received, to Nothing I can say is not well hold together our shaky marriage known to any woman who has been and increasingly unhappy home. I the wife of a problem drinker, but was a victim of my own over-inperhaps there will be something in flated ego. I saw myself as an heroic my experience that will help to little martyr, struggling alone to clarify for some puzzled husband, carry the burden of responsibility new in AA membership, the riddle for my family. I would have scoffed of why the little woman reacted as a t the notion that, in’the drunken A I am oneI am LTHOUGH not an alcoholic, of the many people she did-first to the problem of his out-of-control drinking and later to weakling I considered my husband to be, I would find a strong ally, a who have benefited indirectly, but the changes which a husband’s par- per9on far better qualified than I to no less greatly, by the program of ticipation in AA make in a mar- lead our family to a better, richer Alcoholics Anonymous. riage relationship. life. Humility, a word I have often My story is basically a love story, Unfortunately, I never knew my heard a t the open meetings I have though I want to confess that I an1 husbmd bc.fore alcohol lwcame a attended with my husband, had a most improbable subject for a tale dominant factor in his life. If I had, little real meaning for me before of romance. I am a thirty-four year perhaps this new personality of his AA came into our lives. old housewife and the mother of six would not h a w come as such a sur- I knew in a vague way that I had children. prisch to me. I realize now that it is some faults. Hadn’t everyone? I was Ridiculod’as it may seem, com- not really a new personality at all. a very indifferent housekeeper, but . ing from a person like me, in the It was there all the time but so ob- wasn’t that justified by the fact that past few months I have fallen scured by habits of alcoholic think- my husband’s drinking had lost us breathtakingly, head-over-heels in ing and alcoholic behavior that even the house we were buying and nelove, for the first and only time. I, who should have known him best. cessitated our moving through a Oddly enough, I have AA to thank really didn’t know him a t all. I procession of progre;sively shabbier for the wonderful new emotidn that mistook the lies, the vacillation, the rented houses that never seemed has come into my life. selfishness, the petty deceits and the 1ike home? He is someone I met only a few lack of self-confidence-part of the I made little effort to dress atmonths ago, this man I love. H e is pattern of alcoholism-for an in- tractively but wasn’t that excusable wonderful, strong, dependable, con- trinsic part of my husband’s char- since my husband’s drinking left siderate. He has all the fine quali- acter and personality. I have since little money for clothes or rnaketies I envied more fortunate women learned that they were only symp- up? Surely displays of bad temper, in their mates, during the long toms of his illness-no more a part nagging, sarcasm and spells of painful years when I was married of the real man than the slurred sulkiness could be forgiven to a to a man who couldn’t control his speech and stumbling gait of drunk- woman who lived under the strain drinking. Other AA wives will rec- enness. of being married to a problem ognize immediately the identity of For years I considered myself the drinker. the wonderful new man who has strong one in our marriage. I, alone, I n short, just as my husband used come into my life. He is the man made any effort to pay our moun- alcohol as a crutch, I used my hus-

band’s alcoholism as a crutch to ex- one day to see if he could take one plain away my faults and justify or two drinks and stop. The result my own shortcomings. I didn’t drive was inevitable, but it left him even my husband to drink. He drank ex- more determined than ever to make cessively and abnormally for some the AA program work for him. years before he met me. But instead I have had hundreds of slips, slips of dealing constructively with my into arrogance, conceit, wrong own problems, I placed the burden thinking, but with God’s help it alof my own failures on top of the ways comes right again. My husburden which my husband already band isn’t alone in AA. We are an carried-the illness of alcoholism. AA family. We try to live and I don’t pretend to know much think and work with the AA steps about alcoholism. I do know that and traditions in mind. One doesn’t just as I cannot blame myself for have to have been a problem drinker causing my husband’s illness neither to benefit from the wisdom of living can I accept any of the credit for one day at a time or to place one’s his new freedom from the compul- trust in a power greater than oursion to drink. It is true that I am selves. trying harder than I ever tried be- That is one bond which you as fore to be a good wife and to make alcoholics and we who are nonmy husband happy, but even I am alcoholics have in common. As hunot foolish en%ugh to delude myself man beings we are all subject to that any effort on my part could the same foolish vanities, to patkeep my husband from drinking. terns of wrong thinking, and im- He is sober because he wants to be mature behavior. We can all benefit sober, because in AA he has found from taking stock of ourselves and a new way of life in which he is taking constructive steps to build happier than he was in the oldone. our lives into something better and I urged my husband to join AA, richer for our own sakes and for naively believing that with AA to those who are dear to us. reform him he might become worthy I cannot say that I am glad that of his children and of me. What my husband is an alcoholic for hr colossal conceit! Since that day I has suffered more than so fine a perhave had to adjust my thinking tre- son should ever have to suffer. I am mendously. I t is I who must work glad, though, that I have been given hard and continuously to be worthy an opportunity to become acof the wonderful man to whom I quainted with the AA program and am married. have found for myself and my He has had one slip. After attend- family a better way of life through ing AA meetings for a couple of .4lcoholics Anonymous. months he decided to experiment J . G. D., Saugerties, New York

December 1958

Hey- Santa!

D EAR SANTA CLAUS, Hold tight to your seatlook who’s writing! Bet you never thought you’d hear from me, you’d never want to meet. They have regular meetings and have a wonderful plan of life all laid out after lo! these many, many years. before them called the Twelve Steps. Just thought I’d pen you a line to A helping hand is always out-and tell you some startling news . . . I no sermons, either. They’ve all been don’t want anything for Christmas through the same mill. this year, not one blinking solitary The wives and husbands of AA thing. members have their own part in this I got to thinking it over, about program, too. A lot of them belong the time the stores let all the stops to the Al-Anon Family Group. They go and started pouring out their spe- also have their own meetings and cial “Come in and get your shop- their own program, based on the ping done early” music, and I came AA’s Twelve Steps. And they are to the conclusion that I’m one of the folks that are just as swell as the luckiest gals going, and there really AAs themselves-always trying to isn’t a darn thing I want this year-.- help and, like the AAs, constantly except to be allowed to go on as I trying to improve themselves. Try have been these past years. For, to find another group that does that! Dear Santa, I’m the proud wife of So, dear Santa, with a roof over an AA member. my head, all I want to eat and a In case you haven’t gotten the couple of nice healthy kids–plus a word way up there in your icy wonderful sober husband, thanks to homeland, AA stands for Alcoholics God and AA-what the heck do I Anonymous. A group of people, all need anything else for? Have a good with a common problem-alcohol- time this Christmas, Santa, and are banded together in a fellowship don’t worry about me. There just for the purpose of learning how isn’t anything I want for Christmas to cow with this problem. And a this year. grander bunch of k e n and women Mary A., Springfield, 111.

January 1959

in all of this: spiritually, I was -realization finally hit me that I coming alive. My first contact with did not have to drink, no matter faith was the AA program. Then, what. I was and still am fully . . I came to believe . in this for- aware that alcohol is cunning, bafgotten (but familiar) power greater fling, and powerful but, there is one’ than myself. Yet I was not willing that has all power and that one is to turn my life completely over into God. God’s hands. My sobriety became the most I was sober but still very much valuable and precious possession I

1st YEAR, a tyrant a t home. I gave in to nerv- had. By this time, I was sober one ousness and the family took the year and I woke up to the world brunt of my bad temper. I shall around me. I’d look up to the sky never forget the night that I was and feel ,the awe that comes with the last one to be seated a t the din- realizing how insignificant one realner table. When I looked around ly is. I thought about the miracle of the table there were my darling birth and looked a t my children children and good husband all and felt the love well up in me that waiting to see if mother was going had been dormant for too many to be her usual nasty self. I was years. I looked at my husband and appalled-and so damned ashamed. felt a mom&tary pang-I thought, I immediately made’ a silent prom- “If I could turn back the clock and s nns your first year in AA? day; instead, I concerned myself

I Do you get discouraged and about the future. The future looked wonder if it is worth it? Have you had those terrible black and the more I worried, the blacker it became. ise that I would change. The more I tried, the worse I became. So I prayed, and God answered the prayers. I don’t know start all over, be what I’used to be like before alcohol took possession of me.” But that was yesterday and one can never go back. I had grown doubts that you might not be able Physically, I was a wreck. Ulcers, when it happened but it did: one up somewhat and knew that I could to resist that first drink? colds, aches and pains and not a day I realized that I was behaving only show by my example and ac- Let me tell you about my first darn thing to numb the agony. more decently to my patient fam- tions, today, how grateful I am for year in AA. You, who might be Mentally and emotionally, I felt ily. his patience, tolerance and intestihaving a rough time. Hang on, cut the worst of all. The car accidents Just a note to non-alcoholics: nal fortitude. everything down to size-then- I had had during my drinking days don’t lose sight of the fact that we We hear in AA that it takes guts pray. Keep in mind that one can had taken their toll. When I drove to stay on this program but I bethe car to meetings I frequently alcoholics are really trying, even . only do what one is capable of do- though it does not look that-a-way. lieve it takes time. ing, today. We only have today; had to stop-three or four times, Time, patience and many prayers- I t is a little over three years since even less–just this moment. coming and going-because sud- that is the clue. I had my last drink. I t is also when The first year in AA was one denly I would start shaking vio- During that first year, I had one I first started .to live. I thank God heck of a battle for me. I hung on lently. This went on for a t least terrific compulsion to drink. I drove and AA for my sobriety and for life. to my sobriety by the proverbial six months, but AA taught me to around in the car, telling myself, True, I am insignificant and unimthread. Oh, I wanted to stay sober, go to any lengths for my sobriety “I am an alcoholic and I cannot portant but without AA, I would that’s for sure, otherwise I never and I was not going to let these take that first drink, Dear God, be nothing. would have made it through that “shakersJ’ get me down. help me.” It worked! What a relief Sharon S., Monte Sereno, Cal. . first year. I was not living for to- There was only one ray of hope

February 1959

ent than the rest, except I stayed gone back to Chicago, I’m back drunk at home. Then I found the among friends for keeps again. She truth and straightened out. Funny is doing the same in Chicago and thing though, there’s a smallish we’re both fme. Truthfully speak-

Back Among Friends Again town of about 7,800 people seven miles from here, yet it never occurred to me that there might be ing, I was so ashamed that I don’t know whether I’d have come back alone to AA. I thank God I did a an AA group there. I don’t know and thank all the AAs along the why I always associate alkies with line of twelve years who left me a the big town; probably because of little of themselves as I met them. ANY years ago I wrote to the my own experience. At any rate, Each small gift has accumulated General Service Headquar- a girl friend of mine from Chicago into a huge package that I can ters after reading the big AA who’s an alky tm came to visit me. open this coming Christmas with a book and described my miserable We both spotted an ad in the paper big “thank you and thank God for life. I was stupid though and and I called immediately. We went AA.” bounced in and out of AA like a to the meeting and, though she’s D. F., Greenville, Mich.Group rubber ball, knowing all the while that AA was right and I was so wrong. The helping hand of AA was always out to me and, though I’d take it, I’d drop it like a hot potato. Luckily for me each hand left a gift with me, even though I didn’t understand or appreciate it for twelve years. Everything would be fine and I’d be doing fairly well until I’d begin ‘ ‘thinking about the spiritual side of

‘the program and off I’d fly. Two took. All these years I’d had The years ago I faced up to that prob- Little Red Book and Twenty-four lem. I didn’t look at it squarely Hours a Day with me so I took but sort of peeked and fluttered them in hand again-this time with around it. After two months of that God, whom I acknowledged, on I decided I wasn’t getting any- my side. Of course I know now that where, so I walked in where angels He was there all this time but I fear to tread. It was a pretty bad couldn’t see through my fogged . picture I faced but once I started alky blindness. being honest with God and myself For four years I’ve been up here, and AA everything cleared up. Like away from practically everything. a vaccination, the whole program The first two years were no differ-

April 1959

beautiful!” And I guess this sounds D EAR B I L G I started drinking late in life all mad but he looked down a t me but right from the start I was from the porch and said softly, “My hopeless! After six tragic years, I’d dear, I can see something very had it. So had my husband and beautiful right from here,” and children. believe me he was talking about I found AA and a new and better yours truly. (So you see, Bill, all ‘ this way from where you and your way of life for all of us. My story little first few started, such wonderis on a par with most chronic alkies ful things are happening.) but today a wonderful thing has But here’s the ending. Six weeks happened, Bill. And if you can ago the council men cleaning the spare the time I’d love to share it footpaths dug my tree out. I felt with you and yours. silly but I stormed over and During my drinking days I often grabbed it and brought it home. And had to halt on my way across the put it in the shade of a fig tree. No street with my bag with the bottles. good to plant it, it was dead, but I was very weak and ill. Where I this morning my husband said, used to pause was a stunted tree, a “Come on, Mum, I’ve got somewattle, almost dead and leafless. I t thing to show you.” was a bit like me-stringy, ugly, Yes, Bill, you guessed it, he useless. Should have been pulled planted my t r e o u r tree, nowout, but I felt something for this and it wasn’t quite dead because it little tree. Don’t ask me why-I has a few green shoots. And there didn’t feel anything but thirsty it is down in the end of the yard usually. hidden with shrubs and pe.ach trees About two months ago coming and vines but when they shed their home from a meeting I paused leaves I’ll see it-always green. from habit, by the tree just across I send a heart full of thanks to the road from my house. I t had been you and yours and all our AA raining, and as I glanced up a t my friends everywhere with love and tree, the raindrops sparkled like gratitude. silver, glittering stars in the street Betty R., lights! The ugly limbs were like Palmyra, Western Australia black glass. I t was beautiful beyond any words I could find. My little (Ed. note-Of the many letters stunted tree. from all over the world that come I ran a m s to my husband who addressed simply “To Bill,” we had the kettle boiling and the light found this one especially pleasing on waiting for me. I called, “Quick, and asked permission to share it MY LITTLE STUNTED TREE dear-come and see something with our readers.)

April 1959

terrible slide into oblivion or a and new strength. Free to choose demi-life. A need to grow, to slough not to drink, free to listen and be off and discard-these will help to comforted, free to search the wide open the mind and heart. And now reaches of the mind and spirit, free the atory plays itaelf, need answers from the fear of discarded faith need and responsibility evokes a and the arid posture of non-belief. response. This freedom and repose is not de- Can we all do this, one for the fined, not worded; it is known only other? Is it not the heart of all we through actions and reactions, one wish to have and to share? Is it to one. We try to return in kind SPIRITUAL GOOD MANNERS not the nature of God as we understand Him, this kindness, this honwhat has been given. The snapped retort, the compulsive wish-to tell esty and this healing light? and tell again what is but half- T o many of us in AA the acting understood, are stilled. out of tolerance in closed meetings, For me there was no easy or in conversations, has been the only sudden help. Weighed down by the air in which growth was possible. rejected symbols of my past, ridden There was no lack of firmness as to by guilt for churchly dogmas left what the group experience showed, behind and scattered, I was without no fuzziness as to what the Twelve a home. Months passed and it was

“K EEP it simple,” says the oldtimer in AA. Heaven knows, the newcomer wants it that way. Anything else for not drinking and save ourselves this inner tearing? This conflict cannot be resolved, cannot be quieted, until it has been faced. Steps said. But each was free to move forward in honest purpose and high hope, the end unknown. Una Jewish friend leading a closed meeting one night who broke the spell. I saw what AA said so clearly. certain, insecure we may be but I t was God as each of us underseems impossible. “Stop drinking” Drinking has been its hoped-for stood Him. My intolerance, a sort -“Go to meetings”-“Listen” .. . anodyne-never its answer or its there is a living tissue underneath -accepted, warmed and fed. The of spiritual myopia, was a crippling soon the spine of the AA life cure. Can we refuse the confrontaprotection of the mask of arrogance thing. I, too, was freed to chooee, to emerges. To the agnostic, the dis- tion now? Can words spelled out, and bitter pride can be put aside find my way. Listen, I thought, to enchanted, the message comes just thus and so, freeze us forever in the half-light? and laughter will heal, not bum. those who talk of the Old Law, the slowly, inexorably. The life of the spirit is involved in this dawning There are gifts for all in this “be- I t is a good thing, it seems at prophets; to those who share with recovery-one’s relation to a power loved community,” unguessed and last, to travel the ancient road, the me the wisdom of Buddha the Engreater than oneself, no less. unsought-a kind of spiritual ele- way of man’s eternal search for lightened O n e t h e y too move in Many of us are cast down, wor- gance, an exquisite exercise of the purpose and for truth. The company the clear light along with those who ried, even frantic. I t is certain that, imagination that results in toler- is spirited. No one heads the pro- see the Man of Nazareth enshrined. short of sudden illuminations or ance and shows itself in a printed cession, crowned with authority. Listen to him who also appears in flashes of insight, we are in for a motto that reads “Live and Let Some, of course, have gone ahead; unbelief for he, too, bring8 gifta I long pull. Need for AA, for its heal- Live.” Take a deep breath, no one they seem rather quiet and soft- cannot see. ing friendships, for its sturdy hon- is pushing you, no one has the word spoken. We know that all began in Now I am a part of this fellowesty, pulls against the long years of on the Word for you. Change .. . much the same way, broken, bereft ship. Now I must take these gifta of darkness, the old habits of non- yes, that surely is indicated in the , of inner peace, alone. understanding and return my own. faith. Why bother, why not settle alcoholic capture, the tiresome and Freedom takes on new meaning Mary B., Chappaqua, N. Y.

June 1959

Martha, Chuclr’s wife. She thought so I’ve written her and explained it was lovely and asked me if I’d exactly how it happened and the made it. Immediately I thought: if thought sequence that led to the lie. I tell her I did she’ll like me. This I think she’ll understand. She was RON was just like the idea I had when I wonderful to me during the rest of was drinking that I could buy the visit so maybe it didn’t affect friendship with a drink or a gift or her much, but it sure jerked me out

ARTH a favor. Before I could straighten of my complacency. In fact there’s my thinking out I’d told her I’d still a slight rock to my heels. made it. Sober thinking people would un- Can you imag,ine the consterna- doubtedly ask, “Why did she make tion t,hat went on in my mind for such a big deal out of the apron the next hour? I could see myself business?’ but to an alky it’s proof letting such things happen, easier of how vulnerable we are, hence the each time, until I was back to a need for constant guard. I was so what-the-hell attitude and a drink. happy to be back at my group meet- I told her the truth but I don’t ing last night. What a wonderful think I made every thing quite clear bunch! D. P., Izenwick, Mich.

F OR the first time in many years I have my family back, at least part of them. My brother Chuck and his family asked me to Ohio for Thanksgiving. Though they’ve been married twenty years this coming July and have a seventeen-year-old daughter, I’d never met them all because of my drinking. At Thanksgiving they wanted to meet me and, except for one incident, I had a wonderful time. , When I first got there I wanted so desperately for them to like me that my guard was down and 1 told a bare-faced lie. I was so shocked and stunned at myself, after two years of sobriety, that it took me an hour before I could tell the truth. The thing itself was of no moment but the important thing was that I could, without realizing it, revert to the alky’s way of doing things. I had taken an apron that was very pretty and hand made for

July 1959

mothers at-well, say 60-give or to throw it all down the hatch-I take a few years! mean, down the drain? Well, IN- Since my daughter is the real SANITY is the word … “restore star of this remarkable performance, us to sanity” is right there in Step I must begin by admitting that my Two of our program. rapid descent into uncontrolled As each granddaughter was born, drinking began during her school grandmother proudly attended, in and college years . . . one step a t sober person, only afterwards retira time, but how rapid they were! ing to bed, with a bottle and the Sneaking extra nips before, during nearest doctor (new granddaughter, and-alas-after parties; then the new bottle, new doctor) but the hidden and secret bottles, the same old lies and excuses: no one, hangovers, the scrapbasket handy but no one, can understand how by the bed, just in case. (Because hard childbirth is on the grand- I had a “weak stomach” and some- mother. She suffers doubly, yes inthing I ate made me sick). Black- deedy, for daughter, mother and outs, remorse, desperate resolu- grandmother-really a shattering tions, my daughter’s hurt and be- experience, I can tell you! wildered eyes, as I disgraced her Next, when the grandchildren bea t home and embarrassed her friends gan visiting occasionally, the ques- -these and all warnings were of tion arose, “What’s the matter with MY DAUGHTER IS MY SPONSOR no avail. I became that most unlovely grandmother?’ She was “asleepwshe fell down-“she talked funny.” HIS is a story I needed to know personally in the wide fel- specimen of womanhood: a messy, Grandmother was drunk, that was

T write-first because I need to pay open tribute to my daughter, who with loving and intelligent lowship of AA, whose experiences and circumstances may approximate mine. For, as has surely ofbleary-eyed, resentful, teary, dreary drunk. Naturally, that was not my ill-considered opinion; to myself I what, and wouldn’t have known if the most precious of children had run into the street and been killed. patience brought me into AA as my ten been said, the most sheltered was a misunderstood, sensitive, wit- Only watchful friends and the grace sponsor and friend, and second to and “secure” of us, as well as the ty, wise and oh so generous and of God spared us that final tragedy. cncourage other children of alco- most insecure and unprotected, are kind person; so super-sympathetic So, came the day when my holic parents. They have perhaps indeed sisters under the skin. That to the woes of others that I just had daughter-I now know in anguish the most diflicult task of sponsor- old demon alcohol can reach into to help them (what my kind of and despair-took me to the county ship, requiring a total involvement the most apparently ideal life to kindness cost the helpees, I shudder hospital psycho ward for five days’ of sustaining faith in and loyalty demoralize and destroy. to think!) treatment. Neither of us knew of t o their parents-a reversal of the First the bare facts. I am an al- You would imagine, wouldn’t you, the “court” which was to hustle me natural relationship, to stand by coholic grandmother; I became a that any woman of independent off to the state hospital for a three and encourage a mother (or fa- periodic-as opposed to social- means, a pleasant home, charming month “vacation.” ther) in the AA program for their drinker for close to thirteen years. friends and devoted family, with a There – imprisoned, regimented, incurable disease. I will have had four years of sobrie- “practicing” Christian faith and all herded in wards of forty or more Then too I want to speak to ty this coming August. I can testify the best medical and spiritual aids women (the insane, the brutalized, other women whom I may never that life can begin even for grand- at hand, would have to be insane the cowardly, the courageous, the

fine and the foul) and stripped of fully humbling to come to recognize all protection or so-called prestige- the golden coin of our common I began to take the first tentative humanity, to accept and be accepted stcps towards maturity, and to lis- without pretence, to respect each ten with, at long last, an open mind individual-and through this exto the AA speakers who came to perience finally to achieve respect talk to us alcoholics. for one’s own God-given and giving Meantime my daughter drove personality. weekly to see me, wrote constantly This is my birthday thank-youand encouragingly, made friends letter to my daughter, to all my for herself and for me at AA meet- AA friends, to the children of alcoings, studied and became an active holic parents who stand by to help AA Associate in preparation for my and encourage. return. When she drove me through And, to the grandmothers in AA those gates, we faced together the whose best years are now theirs to new life, the warm welcome of new enjoy and richly share with others, and wonderful friends, who accepted God bless us-every one! me as I now learned to accept them, L. B. G., La Jolla, California simply and naturally. I t is delight-

August 1959

activities in my church, my clubs, son. Finally, I drank to numb pain

SO and in community affairs, but I did when the alcohol had dangerously not overtax myself. My AA friends damaged my liver. During those had told me Easy does it. I believed years my husband and my family MUCH that one had to do something and suffered along with me, trying in that whatever it might be, the way every way they knew to help me to do it was the calm, deliberate, out of my trouble. I traveled, had TO carefully planned, hopeful way. psychiatric and hospital treatment. That way worked for me. I learned My family protected me from to be grateful and gratified by even the frowns of society. I drank alone, BE a little progress. at home. I never became a public I have learned by listening at AA nuisance. The more I drank the meetings that I was fortunate, both more silent I became. I retired from DONE while I was drinking and after I my position when I realized that became sober. I had begun drinking I could no longer serve the public socially to be congenial and to be and drink. Alcohol had deadened accepted by friends resulting from the optic nerve in both of my eyes eat solid food, to develop the habit my marriage. My father was a Pres- and I became partially blind. This

A LITTLE less than a year ago I was without hope, broken in health and in spirit, tortured by shame and guilt. I was afraid of personal cleanliness and order in environment. I t was not easy to face my husband, my daughter, my byterian minister and the almost was my excuse for retiring. Thus, I Puritan atmosphere of our home escaped being fired from my work. did not include strong drink, cards, When at last I became ill enough to live and afraid to die. I had friends and neighbors, for I was still dancing, or other related secular ac- to consider taking my life, my husdrunk myself almost to death. ashamed and very uncertain. I was tivities. So with my first drink I band, on the advice of a co-worker Thus, at my first AA meeting I awkward. I looked miserable- experienced a strong feeling of whose father had been helped by humbly took the First Step in the blotched and bloated. I had diffi- guilt. However, the delightful feel- AA, called on AA to help me. I AA program. I admitted that I was culty deciding what to do first; so ing of blissfulness and abandon was invited by a member to attend powerless over alcohol and that my much needed to be done. Blackouts overshadowed the guilt and social a meeting as soon as I could. When life had become unmanageable. I and lapses in memory caused me to drinking became a habit. I became strong enough and predid not realize it at the time, but make many a startling discovery Years later, when I experienced sentable enough to appear in public, that same night I began working which interrupted the carrying out keen disappointment and complete I went to a meeting. on other steps in the program for of plans I made. Then it was that depression, I drank in order to Since that time my husband has I thanked the God of my under- the AA Serenity Prayer became my sleep, to escape facing the real encouraged my every effort to folstanding for sending AA >to me. I hourly creed. problems that disturbed me. The low the AA program. He is grateful gave thanks for my hope for a dif- Gradually I began to look nor- habit of drinking grew stronger and to AA because his home has been ferent life-a life evidenced by the mal. I got my house in order. My my reasons for drinking multiplied. restored to normal. He has again people whom I had heard at the husband, my daughter, my friends I drank to go to sleep. I drank to the Lou he married-richer by meeting. and neighbors must have been get fully awake. I drank to pep up. thirty years, half of which were I t was not easy to endure the aware of a change in me because I I drank to get ready to do things filled with struggle, suffering and inevitable physical and mental re- noticed a change in their reaction and again to celebrate having done tears. Our teen-age daughter, whom sults of a hangover, resulting from to me. them. I drank when I was happy or we adopted twelve years ago, at long years of drinking, to learn to Not without some fear I renewed when I was unhappy-for any rea- last has the loving protective care

of a mother. AA is now a part of character, faults which I am trying their lives too. hard to overcome. I still feel con- I t was not long before I realized fused and helpless a t times. But 1 that I no longer needed to drink believe in one God. I believe that because the AA program was help- He guides me through His inspired ing me to gain strength and satis- agencies, like Alcoholics Anonyfaction in facing my problems. I mous and the Church. had drunk for fifteen years to es- I accept disappointment, discape reality. Now I welcomed the couragement, defeat, pain or sorrow challenges of the new life I was as jolting reminders of that for living. Let me make clear the fact which we pray when we say, “Thy that although I drank good liquor will be done.” I do not understand and was protected by my family fully, why or how. I do not question. from social embarrassment, I suf- I do the best I can from day to day. fered the same physical and mental I am too grateful for the miracle agonies and the same moral degen- of my reprieved life. I try to obey eration as did those who drank the two great Commandments: cheap liquor and who, deserted by “Thou shalt love the Lord thy family and friends and associates, God with all thy heart and with were exposed to the cold hard judg- all thy soul, and with all thy mind.” ments of society and were finally “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as forced to pay the penalty of its thyself .” laws. We have all experienced a hell AA has led me back to the God on earth. We have a common prob- of my understanding. Let us keep lem-alcoholism. Regular attend- alive our fellowship with each other, ance at AA meetings, participation so that we may grow in wisdom, in in the program, working on the understanding and in strength. Twelve Steps are all helping me to Then by word and deed our lives order my life, one day a t a time. may inspire and help other alco- I am not a saint, nor am I a holics to see the light as it has been religious fanatic. My personal in- shown to us. ventory reveals many defects of L. L., Washington, D. C.

September 1959

I did could also be called an alcoholic. I drank mostly only on weekends (but sometimes those weekends lasted until Tuesday or Wednesday) and I almost always drank beer, fortified occasionally by a few shots of liquor or vodka for faster results. . There were a few signs to tell me, though, that I was heading for alcoholism, if I wasn’t there already. The stop in a bar in the middle of the afternoon for “just one drink” and then finding myself still there when the bar closed at one or two in the morning. The black-outs. The fears and worries and doubts over what was really wrong with me. The reproaches from my family-and most of all, those terrible feelings of guilt and remorse when the drunk Y name is Liz and I’m an suffered plenty from drinking, both was over with. alcoholic. One year ago I physically and mentally, but most Had I been through enough so me: I can’t drink. When I woke up could have made that state- of these people had been through that I could honestly call myself the next morning I was surrounded ent and convinced everyone in so much more than I, that I found an alcoholic? by Mr. Guilt, Mr. Remorse, and the room that I was telling the myself in a turmoil. I searched in vain for an answer that frightening thought-what did truth-with one exception: I didn’t Why should I be receiving all I do and how in heck did I get to that question and I searched in believe it myself. Sure, I had a these kindnesses from AA people if the wrong places-that is, I asked here? Every article of clothing that I problem with my drinking and I I weren’t an alcoholic? Surely there other AA members. You know the I was wearing was ripped. Did I ! realized I would have been much were enough real alcoholics around answers I got from them! “Liz,” fall against something sharp or did happier I I did not drink–other- who needed their help much more they’d say, “only you can answer some person do this to me? Most of wise I would not have called on than I did. And anyway, just what my money was gone. Did I spend that question.” Well, “only me” AA in the first place. is an alcoholic? I spent many, couldn’t answer it. God knows I’d it or did someone take it from me? After being in AA for a month many hours searching for an answer suffered enough during the few I was covered with scratches and or two and hearing other stories to that question but simply couldn’t years I drank and I didn’t want to bruises. Did someone slap me about people having the shakes so find one. around? suffer anymore. bad that they couldn’t hold a glass, I t didn’t seem possible that a After four months in AA, I final- I couldn’t answer these questions having the DTs, and how many person who drank liquor, rubbing ly found the answer, the hard way. then and I can’t answer them now, quarts of liquor they drank every alcohol and bay rum for weeks and I tried drinking again. I t waa a because I simply can’t remember. day for weeks at a time, I began to months could be called an alcoholic I was a pretty miserable person for short drunk-just one evening–but wonder–do I belong here? Sure, I -and that a person who drank like the next few days both in mind and that night was enough to convince

body. I kept asking: why? Why did I drink? I couldn’t answer that question either but now, nearly a year later I can say this-I’m glad I slipped. I’ve stopped looking for the reason I did it. That isn’t important anymore. I only thank God that when I regained consciousness the next morning I was in an old deserted barn and not in my own bed. I Thank God for my clothes being torn and dirty and most of all. I thank God that I can’t remember I could not drink like a normal what happened. Because all these human being. things, put together, helped con- That knowledge was enough for vince me that I am an alcoholic. me finally to be able to say, and I became convinced right then and really believe it-I am an alcoholic. there because I finally realized that Liz R., Geneseo Group, New York

December 1959

holly or mistletoe, no soft carpet of child. And I loved every moment of snow-just a very blue sky, a few it, planning well ahead so no one bright modern homes and, so intense would be forgotten, telling the chilyou can feel it, a silence. I t comes dren the stories as Mum told them sometimes with the heat. Gum trees to me. The fruits, the sweets, the shimmer in the haze and with the wonderful cake, fat little ducks, and heat also comes a smell from the crumbing the ham! And rememberbush. A mixture of gum melting, ing, each year, those Christmas flowers a n d baking s a n d . Real times gone before. Christmas weather, this! The first year that I drank, I had As a little girl I remember my only been drinking for three months mum, her pretty face rosy and damp when Christmas came along, so as she whisked those wonderful quickly and not at all prepared for. things out of the oven in her big However, a couple of days’ racing kitchen, telling us all the while here and there did procure, roughly, about Santa. Mum made Christmas the same things. With great imthe most heavenly time for us. patience I did wrap the lists of gifts; Plenty for all . . . every corner of with a browned-off feeling I filled the big cool old house packed with the larder. But the whole spirit of the loveliest things. I can smell even Christmas had gone. now the plums, peaches, cherries I winged and grizzled about the and bananas stacked in cases under vast amount of work involved. I the ironing table. The huge cake in cooked the ham and poultry the day a place of honor in the dining-room, before on the electric stove, although boxes of confections made by an old the children had stacked the wood-

I T H A S TO B E HOT man who must have been a genius, hidden (not well enough). No one ever thought it crazy that Mumbox full, expecting the big wood stove to be glowing red. I told them it was silly, it was too hdt, anyway, and most other mums – cooked we would have everything chilled. RISTMAS down to the last detail a traditional English Christmas mid-day dinner. And yet the only drinks served And although I made fantastic cold salads and sweets, I knew the thing I had done was, to say the least of o me, with thoughts of Christ- nearby there is always a church were those delicious bottles of cold it, lousy. T mas, come visions of snow- where an organ plays the hymns crisp and white falling soft- that can be the very spirit of Christ ly on the whole world! Twinkling mas. homemade “pop.” The pudding of course was soaked in brandy and lit amid loud cheers from all. Christ- No magic stories as we peeped into the big hot oven-no songs or carols by us all as I mixed the little. Christmas trees in the windows of This must seem so silly, because mas indeed! c a k e n o little red cheeks as willeach little house . . . holly, mistle- here in Western Australia the tem- All my married life, I tried-and ing tiny fat hands carried the wood toe, people with rosy cheeks and perature usually hovers about the do feel I did, really-to give my -no secrets told, as they shared the bright eyes, laughter and happiness. century, and in the outer suburbs children the same good time that licks from the bowl. We became Carols of course and somewhere there are no crowds hurrying, no was my happy fortune as a small separate. I was the busy, bad-tem-

pered old mother . . . they were a ruddy heat . . . I hated the heat. They have been with us ever since, I was almost angry with him. quiet bunch of unhappy children. The next five Christmas times I know, but it shook me to my very “What rubbish! Good Heavens, it The whole thing made me feel awful. were even worse. There came the soul. I had never expected anything might have rained–odd times it I felt guilty and beastly, and yet time I couldn’t hide the fact that like this. After tea in the cool on does!” and it would not have been resentful that I ever had to bother getting drunk came first anyway. the lawn, the crickets were singing, the same if the cool sea breeze had at all. And all this misery, all this mean mosquitoes buzzing, beetles falling come early. I t just has to be hot to Christmas morning dawned, to cheating of their birthright the fam- 1 from the trees . . . even add spiders be Christmas. the most fearful noise of the children. I had always loved this too, ily endured and tried to hide from other people because they still loved i out to cool in their webs. I remember as I tucked my tiny We looked at each other and burst out laughing with the jackass in the but this time I could hardly stop me. I new grandson under his net my hus- tree. myself from telling them to be Still God was good. He led me to band said, “Mum, you must be very I think the Age of Miracles has I tired, it’s been terribly hot for you, really just begun. quiet. I can laugh now at this but I AA and Christmas here is back, I couldn’t then: I slipped out to the we’re sure, to stay. It was wonderful cooking and all that.” B. R., Palmyra, Western Australia kitchen, telling my husband I would because strangely enough I got somake the tea, while he entertained ber three months before Christmas. the children. I am sure he didn’t And that was long enough to do guess the hangover I had. I t had things just as I had always loved to been all too easy to drink all that do them. I t was a very hot year. brandy in the confusion of Christ- Just as it should be . . . and while mas Eve. we talked of snow and distant I quickly splashed my face and places, and got ’round to rememberplugged in the kettle and set a tray. ing, my little son, who was then .Then I tottered to the ‘fridge to get eleven, came in very busy with the a long cold reviver. And there re- wood, and thought it would be good posing amid the salads was a very if I would sing “that song about long-necked duck which a kind Holy Night, you know, the one we neighbor had placed there the eve- used to sing when we made the ning before. The head of the beastly pudding.” One by one voices joined bird was still on the chassis, its eyes in. My eldest daughter, then ninelooked just as mine felt, red, half- teen, had a glorious voice, clear and closed–oh, just awful. I had to high–as Jeanne picked up the grope carefully, so as not to touch words we all fell back to humming it, before I could reach the bottle. the melody. Just as we had always Boy, did I need that drink! done before in all six long years The whole day was a washout away. anyway. I complained and frowned It was the most wonderful Christand felt sick. Too much work . . . mas I ever expected to spend. Lots too tired to run over to the neighbors of things were so new, and yet so for our usual Christmas five minutes old, but so many good things came .. .pulled a long face at everything. that day and all of them came to It was not me, I insisted, it was the us all, just because I was sober.

February 1960

RICH IN THE THINGS THAT MATTER s a tiny girl I adored my father. mildly intoxicated, went on a bat ‘A He was perhaps the nicest man I ever met. Charming, handsome, kind and thoughtful. that lasted for six years. Six unspeakable years of horror, degradation, madness and total chaos! Home was a happy, secure place I destroyed everything I had built until I was seven years of age; then with love and tender care. I could I recall things changed. My dad not live with the stupid lying idiot I whom I now know was an alcoholic, had become. I only wanted to die. gradually slipped down hill, until in After four years of this drink was desperation, Mum had to let him go not enough. I could no longer find when I was about eleven. I missed the oblivion I sought. So I turned to him unbearably, but in silence! I did sedatives–anything I could get hold not make friends easily when I mar- of that would give me an hour’s didn’t have to. The lady held my I t was months actually before the ried. I wanted, above all, the things respite. dirty hands and pushed my unkempt “voices” stopped, before I could befor my children that I had lost. Se- One day when I had been kept hair from my brow. She said, “I lieve that what I saw was real and curity, a nice home, a united family forcibly sober, I found a small ad- guess you are pretty sick of this. I not delusions. Three months before life. vertisement in’a magazine (I have am sure you desire to stop drinking I could turn my head when I walked We had these things until I was learned since it was quite an acci- , but you are going to need lots of without fear of falling. thirty-eight years of age. I nursed dent). It was about the work of Alco- help and as long as you will only But I will say now, from the day my young sister through an agoniz- holics Anonymous. On the bottom , try, honestly, you will get all the I accepted what AA offered I made ing fatal illness. 4 was heartsick and line were the words “There are no help you need.”Oh, the blessed hope progress1 had no rese~ationsabout unutterably tired, so one night I nehopers in AA.” Well my red I felt. But the next three months anything. I learned really to live one tried brandy egg flip. It acted like a rimmed eyes could hardly see, my were the worst of all. As soon as I day at a time, slowly but surely, not charm. I felt wonderful – able to hands were dirty, I recall, and felt could think, I would see what I had looking back. I crawled, then walked, cope and brighter than I had been paralyzed, as did my legs, but I man- become. My once shiny home was before I could run as free as my for days. aged to write a note which I pleaded grubby – my husband white and children. A few days later my beloved only with my husband to post for me. tense and beaten. The four lovely I did not expect to be happy again sister, a magnificent happy redhead, He, like many doctors, my mum children would not look me in the ever, but only God and I know how slipped the bonds of pain and sick- and all who knew me, held no hope. eyes. My mother too could not be- rich and deep and real has been my ness and closed her blue eyes in Neither, I will add, did I. When two lieve in me anymore. I had abused so happiness. These last two years gone eternal rest. people quickly came to see me, they much help. are the tawdry dreams that turned I did not cry, I couldn’t. But I did not shudder but looked instead I had to go to a hospital for a to frightening nightmares. I have needed many brandies to keep my- with deep shocked sympathy. I knew while. I was suffering acutely from reality and half a million real friends self from screaming and breaking before we spoke they understood. malnutrition. However, God meant when I reach for the hand of a sick things. I, who had never been even Neither asked why I drank. They that I should live again. So live I did. alcoholic, when I in turn wipe a tired 5 U&.

forehead. When I see faltering footsteps coming in the right direction I am rich indeed in the things that matter to me. I have never taken for granted the joy of waking, strong and well each day. I hope I always feel as I do now, Grateful, and still surprised. When I hear a rainbird cry, see the swirl of a winter river or a deep purple-black sky splashed with a bucket of stars, a baby’s face or the flowers early in the morning or the faces of my children as we smile and share a secret-how can I doubt that God, through the miracle of AA, has been and is still with me. I totally lost the insane compulsion to drink fairly soon. Who would want to change all this for one small drink that I neither need or want. And when people tell me I look too young to be a Grannie I can look at my face in the mirror and, believe it or not, we laugh because we know what we both have seen-that face in the mirror and me. And so, thank you God for the serenity that you gave me this day, and the courage you provided that I might live this way and for the wisdom I so needed to choose the right from wrong. You more than answered when I pleaded. Thank you dear God; please keep me ever strong. Betty, Palmyra, WesternAustralia

February 1960

when the spirit (or ,spirits) moved and flood and famine could not make me. In the small hours of one night me leave this child alone. The only

4 wad an oriy ina!A n 4 I thought of a point I should have checked with my employer. I knew this man had not gone home but was staying with a friend in town by the times I left him unattended was to make the run. And run I did, as fast as I could both ways; yet I never changed my pattern. It was always name of Goldsmith. I did not know the same half-pint and the same cir- Mr. Goldsmith’s first name but that cuit of stores, month in and month did not daunt me. I spent all night out. ‘phoning every family in the hook by When I first joined Alcoholics ‘ that name and there were many for Anonymous, I was appalled to find it is a common name in New York how many original drunks there where I lived a t the time. I’m afraid were. I heard and read the stories of there were scores of angry and sleepy drunks from the far wmers of the Goldsmiths. earth. Many of these, like I, had had My relatives and friends bought no contact with other drunks before their liquor a fifth a t a time when their AA experience so that everytheir supply was low. They custom- thing they did was original with arily bought it from the retail store them too. How could all these peoclosest to their home and always ple, whom I had never met and who from the same liquor store. But not had never heard of me, have followed I, for I was original! I bought mine a pattern of drinking and thinking a half-pint at a time and patronized so similar to mine? This gave me a a circuit of stores, the closest being mystical feeling and had a great almost a mile from my home. When humbling effect o n me a n d my my baby was a year old, I began to originality. drink again. I was a devoted mother A. M.,Burbank, Cdiforniu

– INCE I was the only alcoholic in setup was of course left in full view. S my family, had no alcoholic friends and had read nothing of or by alcoholics, I must claim that All the people I knew kept their liquor this way. But not I, for I was original! I kept mine under the dirty everything I did a t the onset of my clothes in the bathroom. drinking was wholly original with Amongst my circle of friends it me. was customary to telephone only When I began to drink, twin ca- when there was something to say and rafe sets were in vogue. One carafe the hour reasonable. But not I, for I was marked Scotch, the other Rye, was origisal! I would telephone and both were encircled by a silver whether or not I had anything to loop with a miniature padlock. This say, a t any time of the day or night,

March 1960

. before I finished the Big Book the wickedness . . and join a brotherfirst time and eight years before I hood of awful examples in order to : T h e Failure To Grow made it to Step Five. But it was still keep it fresh in my mind.” too fast for me and too soon. I was Once upon a time I would have not ready. So after eight years of said, and believed as I said it, that uninterrupted sobriety on this pro- I was doing something about all of gram I find myself once more look- this, about my character defects and

I . . . .. N the group that I choose to call my home group. though I say that I belong to all AA groups everywhere the fellows (and ing a t Step Ten, and seeing it for the my shortcomings, and even that, in first time. I’m beginning to under- a small way, I was improving. Now stand what it means and why it is today all that I am willing to say is, they’re all fellows in my group but necessary. The understanding, if it “If you’ll help me, God, I’ll try.” can be called that, came in slow So it is back to the kitchen table me-I’m a girl) always start the painful steps. I personally have yet for me, with pencil and with paper, to experience that inexpressible re- and results that are sickening, fruslief that we hear so much about as a trating and disappointing. I n quick result of it. In fact, I have simply one, two, three order they are: I become aware that I need our have always felt, and still do, that I twenty-four hour plan, and the sim- people don’t like me, though I make ple philosophy of our serenity friends easily and always have. In prayer and those five homespun school I was always elected to class I I slogans more now than I did my first and sorority offices, won awards and, I year in AA. on one occasion somewhere in my There are those in AA who find it career, was voted the most popular meetings with a great display of love impossible to believe that I have girl in my class. Yet I still pushed I suppose that I could be said to be really stayed sober (but a t no time people away. Now whenever I seem and warmth for the new man. He, it upon my plodding way-plodding seems, is always the most important has it occurred to me that taking a to get close to anyone, man or because I do not pass AA milestones drink would improve matters). They woman, I am suddenly and without person in the room and, as the chair as easily as most. I was, for example, goes, so goes the meeting. Not that I know that I have always had a clear- reason obsessed by an unreasoning sober in AA (and I do mean sober cut vision of the difference between fear that I am not liked-only tolerresent all this attention being paid because, as far as I am concerned, I to this joe (although I cannot recall right and wrong, which to me has ated out of pity. I fear that I put have been sober ever since I had my always been found within the frame- nothing into a relationship, only any such demonstration when I last drink of alcohol. No dry drunks work of the Ten Commandments. take out, and am therefore a burden joined the group) but since his for me. I am unstable, maybe, imaffairs seem to be in such good They also know that I had broken and an imposition; so I rudely reject mature, premature, juvenile, senile, most of these Commandments before the relationships that are so often hands, I’d like to make a pitch for neurotic, schizophrenic, psychotic or I had had my first drink of alcohol offered me in loving, warm friendthe so called old-timer. just plain nuts . . . but not drunk) and desecrated them through years ship. This hurts and because I am I now believe we never outgrow. approximately eighteen months beour need for help in this thing. I do of alcoholic drinking and that I still the hurter I hate. fore I kicked the drug habit which I (in taking my moral inventory) per- I say that I need help, that I yearn not know what the chronological re- brought into AA with me. for understanding and that I am alquirements for the OT are but, since form as the’coenobites are satirically I have had my eighth AA birthday, And (and I have never told this alleged to do . . . “piously shut my- ways willing and yet, and I see this before) I was sober in AA six years self up to meditate upon the sin of so clearly now, I am too proud to

accept what is offered me selflessly tinuing self-inventory-my continubecause I am not grown up. Again I ing fearless and searching and moral hurt and hate and push people away. self-inventory-than when I tell just In so doing I manage to kill the God and myself. For then my attenthings I love the most. In my most tion wanders and I cheat. recent endeavor I have had more I do not underestimate the disthan extraordinary success. I am tance I have travelled or the things now doing without a friendship that I have learned in nearly ten years. I would probably rather have than One thing I have found out is that any other and the closeness and love there have been lots of books written of the only one of my children who about alcohol, alcoholism and that ever had any tolerance or under- oddity known as the alcoholic and standing of the alcoholic to whom there are 333,000 different religious she was born. It’s been a tremendous groups offering spiritual suggestions price to pay. to him. Most of us know, or at any rate Out of this welter of words two big believe, that we (who have come ones have emerged-ralionalizalion through the kind of miraculous ex- and projeclion. They would cost you periences that most of us recovered hundreds of dollars anywhere else, alcoholics have) have necessarily be- but I am going to give them to you come kind, compassionate, big. With free, at no cost to anyone but me. me this is a fallacy. I have become The first one, rationalizalion, we self-centered, childish, hard to be have long known. I t is simply what with, and small as well. we in AA call “excuse making” and, Part of my job is’writing pious believe me, I had excuses for every platitudes that are supposed to be drink and every result thereof, behelpful to those in difficulties with sides a reserve set which I never even any phase of the Christian life; so I had to use. The second word, projechave a large file of patent answers for tion, is just blaming everybody else almost all inventory failures. Some- for the things we do. I think this was times I am even successful in remov- one of the first things I learned in ing myself from the scene and hav- AA. My failure was in not taking the ing them come straight through from second half of the Twelfth Step God, but it doesn’t work out so well (though I was a real jessie for a in practice. It is all so counterfeit while on the first half) and from this but if, in the telling of this, I can failure came the failure to grow and help even one of you this then helps to grow up. In case you do not have me. I can then at least feel less of the your copy of the Steps handy it says, parasite and perhaps more of the “. . , practice these principles in all contributor and, above all, a little our affairs.” ‘more honest in the taking of a con- J. D., Mobile, Alabama

April 1960

pily married to a man who would me!” And there were other membe happy with me. ories concerning former friends of Our marriage followed a whirl- my youth whom I had hurt and wind courtship; we hardly knew one shocked by raising a whole lot of unanother. We had a beautiful wed- merry hell, in ways too numerous ding on a June day. We left the cere- to mention and too imaginative to mony knowing that a power greater describe. than ourselves had brought us to- But here in Philadelphia, Dick has gether. his roots, his family ties, his means of We are not in our first youth. My livelihood. But even Dick didn’t.want husband was a bachelor; I had been to live in his old surroundings. So, married twice before, one marriage just as impulsively as we had gotten inspired by alcohol. I now thought married, we got a house. We saw it of myself as a mature, secure, disci- one day and bought it the next. It’s plined person. True, compared to my a lovely house in an old run-down old drunken self, I am St. Theresa neighborhood that’s being restored. and Marilyn Monroe combined. In Forty-eight hours later, I regretted ten years I had made progress. But buying the house. I began to wonder was it enough? I did not look beyond about our marriage. Here we were, the golden ring on my finger. I was renovating a house over our heads! . trying to prove something: that I was The plaster was falling, the buzz-saw lovable and desirable, a woman who started shrieking at seven A.M. The had got a man. I forgot that this man carpenter turned out to be a fellow had got himself a woman. And that sufferer, unreclaimed. One day he this woman was meant to serve in the arrived and put in a screen door we mature capacity of a wife. hadn’t ordered. He had confused us Now I was returning to Philadel- with another client. He kept wanderphia, the place I had run away from, ing off the job, as did the painters ten years ago. True, I had come back. and the plumbers who installed a here to make AA talks. I thought I new furnace. had made my peace with the old The house was a mess for months, town. The older members of the fam- and so was I. I wanted to run back ily are now deceased, and the home home. Dick was not the wise, kind of my childhood is in other hands. father-mother who would replace a But when 1 returned, the old meni- host of dear old AA friends in Cinories revived; the drunken quarrels cinnati to whom I could run’ in any I ONCE heard an AA1speaker say, “If you pray for something, look out! You might get it.” who is not mentally and emotionally prepared for new responsibilities. Two years ago I married “the most with my family; the final break, crisis. I missed my doctor, my lawyer, when I walked out on them. Passing the friendly grocer who delivered, He explained that an answer to wonderful man in the world,” an- that old Victorian red brick struc- the doorman, the girl at the apartprayer, in the guise of great good for- other AA. This was the answer to my ture, I did not turn my head away, I ment switchboard, and mv landlord, tune, can be a calamity to someone prayers, for 1 had prayed to be hap- glared at it: “I dare you to intimidate who fixed everything that broke. I

was a helpless, spoiled darling, who of wisdom, love and compassion. I honesty part of the program, wasn’t sistant,” I told Dick. “I simply canhad suddenly been set on her own. would have understood his own dif- I? not be expected to .. .” Why hadn’t Dick seen to it that we ficulties. But I made his problems Needless to say, Dick was also on I went into what I couldn’t be exgot the right house? into shortcomings and took his in- his knees, asking God. Like the blue pected to do, and Dick listened with I got into a nervous downward ventory every day. sky, breaking through clouds, good a flushed face. Lately his temper had spiral-the good old fear, depression, Ah, the sweet old life of Cincin- things began to happen. One by one, gotten short. He was getting increasi self-pity routine, that spells danger nati, my old, comfortable, protected my childhood acquaintances wel- ingly uncooperative about having his . for the alcoholic. half-alive life! Where I had been so comed me back to Philadelphia. inventory taken. So I took it again, Dick said, “But I’m a husband, independent, and yet so helplessly They all liked Dick, they were inter- going over old ground, and adding a not a father.” dependent. And where there was no ested in AA. We began to make new few new things. It ran about ten min- He dragged me to meetings. AA in one toward whom I had any contin- friends in the neighborhood, other utes, like a good AA talk. Philadelphia was new and strange to uous responsibility. brave souls who were pioneering. When I got through, I observed me, but being an out-of-towner, I I said to myself: “You’d like to be The awful hours of sitting around in that his face had grown stormy. “I was often asked to speak. Once I back there. And yet you wouldn’t. the silent house were over. An old am sick of having the rug pulled out absent-mindedly introduced myself What do you want?” friend made me go through the fam- from under me. Every time I need by my maiden name, and gave a “I don’t want to be any place. I ily house. She had access to it, and love and understanding, I get hostilgrand talk, without so much as men- want to get drunk.” we made a tour of the rooms. I ity and criticism.” tioning Dick. “You gave a good but “Now, that’s dangerous thinking. thanked her, and since then, when I What was there left for me to say? rather unusual talk,” somebody said. You know that?” pass the elaborate and hideously or- Nothing, but I said it! I stayed sober. So did Dick. He Yes, I knew that. I considered nate brick facade, I slip it a friendly “You’re a six foot, rotten spoiled, is a dedicated AA. “There’s nothing throwing myself on the bed and hav- wink. immature, unhousebroken alligator,” bothering you that AA can’t straight- ing a good cry. But the plumber sent his bill on 1told him. en out,” said he, saying it several But the doorbell rang. It was the the very day that Dick had had a He rose from the sofa, walked out times, and patiently. plumber. trying time at the office. into the hall, reached for his hat, and Finally the house was settled, but “What seems to be the trouble?” “It’s for twenty-five dollars,” he announced, I was not. I had not yet found a per- he asked me. said. !’What did we have, a flood? Or “You’re not a wife, you’re a reign manent maid. The nearest grocery “Something leaks.” a drought?” of terror.” store was a second-rate chain store, “Where?” “A thorough check,” I said. “You’re going? But you haven’t quite a walking distance, and Dick “I don’t know. Yesterday, it seems It happened that I, too, had had a had your dinner.” had to have the car. I had forgotten to me, I noticed a leak someplace. trying day at the chain store. I had “1’11 get it elsewhere.” that cooking a beautiful gourmet Just go over the house and check gotten a flare-up of emotional inse- The door slammed. meal for an occasional boy friend is everything.” curity over that wire baby carriage I was furious, I was gleeful. I .very different from getting dinner I kept on saying my prayers, some- you push around. I had tried to push thought, good! Dinner alone at last. every night for a full-time man. I times hourly. We kept on going to it past the checking counter, and then Peace and quiet. I shall enjoy a dehad to put out the garbage cans in meetings. I had thought that this my packages had gotten mixed up. A licious meal, read a book. I don’t the stink of gathered trash in a back marriage was the answer to prayer, line of harassed customers had stared care if he ever comes back. alley in August. One night a rat ran and Dick had thought so. Now he at me. The checker had said, “You But instead I ran upstairs, threw over my foot. had that tightly held-in look on his have to go back and get these un- myself on the bed and had that cry Everything was wrong and it was face. I absolutely loathe a nagging marked items weighed.” It had taken I’d been planning on so long. Sup- Dick’s fault. If he had merely been spouse. Had I become one of them? almost an hour. pose he doesn’t come home? an AA friend, I would have been full But I was only trying to employ the “I am not a trained plumber’s as- Suppose he gets drunk?

I went to the telephone and dialed could see, with a further reach of new, plus a lively interest in our new there with him, guiding him and the number of a wise and wonderful insight, that Dick and I were indeed neighbors. The other night we joined showing him the way. AA friend. As I sat waiting for her, meant for one another. A power a citizen’s committee to help our We talk quite often of starting a I realized that this scene was familiar. greater than ourselves had brought rapidly improving neighborhood. double Al-anon, to be known as A- In the past, I had so often become us together, and I had been returned Best of all, I still don’t agree with Square. Any customers? upset by things, and let myself be- to Philadelphia, because in this way some of Dick’s actions and opinions, K . W., Philadelphia, Penna. come involved in a crisis. I would I could work out problems that I but I am relieved of the burden of (Ed. note-Initials, natnes and locales neglect the business of living, and had run away from, and learn a ma- having to live his life for him. The in the foregoing have been changed for spend hours and days alternately ture way of life that I had always God of Dick’s understanding is right added anonymity-protection.) complaining to patient AAs and avoided. brooding alone. I took everything I saw hbw closely we were bound that happened as a personal affront. in heart and mind. We had the same How often had I not sat thus, waiting interests, the same background, with for an emergency session with some similar assets and liabilities. We friend? Yes, I was ready to listen to loved one another. Dick had never others. I was an expert in the “what really lost sight of this. He had tried the matter is now” department. I to help me. When he himself seemed knew I had helped people. But this unlovable, wasn’t that when he needconstant calling for help is selfish. ed love the most? There are other things in life. Just The next day Dick told me that he living it, for instance, and living your had been taking his own inventory. marriage. He was kind, for he didn’t say: “Un- When my friend arrived and I had assisted by you.” poured the coffee she said, “I think We decided that our shared life you’re doing fine. Just keep on doing was pretty wonderful. Since then the it, the AA way.” dividends have been pouring in. Have “But there’s nothing I can do to- we lived happily ever after, with night.” never a cross word? Of course not, “You tell me that you’re taking we are only human and, being alcoyour inventory.” holics, we are, as they say, slightly So I told her that I was grateful to more so. But our rows aren’t as hairher. I told her that she had been raising, our cross-fire inventories wonderful to come. We had a quiet aren’t as hostile. Dick has taught me talk and she left. that gentle, well-timed praise is worth That night before falling asleep I a pound of blame. saw that the faults I had objected to I can laugh at myself. Dick has a in Dick were, substantially, the faults radiant sense of humor, a fine mind. I had myself. In the next few days We help each other with our work, I worked on myself, not on Dick. when help is needed, when encour- Spiritual insight is wonderful-pain- agement is needed. And we have an ful at times, but wonderful. And I increasing circle of friends, old and

May 1960

pendent upon it to turn me, at least The sense of guilt and failure is temporarily, into Cinderella at the even greater, I think, in those of us ball, I was caught up in the delusion who have children. I could delude that I was indeed attractive when myself for a time that alcohol made tipsy. By the time the awful aware- me a better party girl but never, by ness that this was not true dawned any stretch of my handy imagination, upon me, I was hooked. that it made me a better mother. al The hangovers that had been Mothers in storybooks are gentle, something to brag a bit about as a fragrant, clear-headed in emergensign of sophistication had become not cies, truly loving, at peace with themonly physically painful but symbolic selves. T o be such a woman and such tio 4 of shame. Has not each of us lookcd a mother is the birthright of each of at a haggard or bloated facc in the us, and does not exclude intellectual, mirror and known it to be without civic or professional interests. But it loveliness? We may put on dark most certainly excludes drinking. glasses and artful make-up. We may For if one may fall short of the ideal let our appearance go and take to even when sober, one finds it totally drinking alone instead of in company. unobtainable when drunk, or even We may remember with keen re- slightly fuzzrd and redolent of alcomorse something we said at last eve- hol. ning’s party or when loneliness drove When I came into AA, most of my us to make that ill-advised phone friends among women were drinkers call. We may remember nothing we themselves (though not necessarily have said, which is even morc alcoholics) or had been contented frightening. Of one thing we are teetotalers always. It was’exciting to agonizingly sure in the throes of a find in our group women who had actions kittenish or aggressive. Yet, hangover. We are not attractive and been through the same kind of hell a s , when I was only sixteen I found my- we have somehow failed as women. I, and who had emerged from it with and inadequacy that is peculiar to self in a new environment where I It seems to me all very fine for a look of genuine, glowing and sober their sex. It is based on the deep inner felt shy and where I learned, to my women to vote and hold public ofiice serenity. It was comforting to be acknowledge that drunkenness tar- eventual sorrow, that cocktails could and succeed in business and the pro- cepted as one of them and to absorb nishes a woman’s most precious qual- be an antidote for timidity. I was told fessions. But when we try to drink as slowly but surely some of their . ity, her femininity, that it is invariably that I was “cute” and “sparkling” well as to think like men we almost strength and their hope. Tarnish, I and indisputably unbecoming. The with a few drinks inside me, and I always come a cropper. We often learned, is blessedly only skin-deep woman who starts using alcohol to failed to recognize in myself the first hear a man referred to admiringly and can be washed away by the feel clever or attractive in social situ- faint traces of tarnish. because he “drinks like a gentleman” cleansing abrasive action of the proations finds it, in the end, a razor- The sad fact is that for me, as for or “holds his liquor like a man.” But gram. I edged boomerang. many of us, alcohol really served for I have never heard a woman compli- From these women and the many When I was in my early teens, I a while as a passport to romance. It mented for drinking like a lady or men, God bless them, who had was offended when I saw what drink really brought warmth and gaiety and holding her liquor like a woman. The found they could no longer drink like did to “older” women at dances. a relaxation that masqueraded as very phrases are contradictions in gentlemen, I learned an infinitely their talk became shrill or slurry, their serenity. As I grew increasingly de- terms. consoling truth. This is that for the

special burden of guilt borne by the freed of the need to be coy or scintilwoman alcoholic there is a special lating in order to be at ease, of the compensation. long with the faith ravages of hangovers, the pangs of and sobriety that are AA’s gifts to conscience, the rebellion against myevery alcoholic who sincerely wishes self.and my role in life. I have been to stop drinking, she is given a second given back so great a gift I dare not chance at her birthright: I myself question if I deserve it-my own imhave not been transformed into a perfect, but untarnished and joyously beauty, a glamor girl, a great wit or feminine self. a saintly character. But I have been M . C . , Chappaqua, N . Y .

May 1960

had two meetings in the school house. this amount to enclosed address. We AA in A Wendy House Here we left a strong group under would be so very thankful if you the secretaryship of J. who inci- could send it as soon as possible. dentally is the Head Master. Then Well, dear friends, that’s about all on to Creighton where we did indi- for now (enough too I guess). With vidual work and where also we were all our good wishes and kind able to leave behind the nucleus of a thoughts, we remain yours in AA, group in our friend J. From here we Ted and Nan, Donnybrook, Natal hope to go to Matatiele in East South Africa Griqualand. So, you see, we have P.S. Nan says hello folks. been quite busy. Now dear friends, as Dear all of you, I have told you, the literature which This is Nan. So very glad to make you so kindly sent, for which many your acquaintance. Ted has asked many thanks, has been distributed me to say that he is marking the among these people. We require such items especially badly needed by a a lot of literature because people just cross on the order form as a point of don’t seem to be able to get enough interest. We have our somewhat aged about AA. I am enclosing five and dearly loved dog Lassie with us, pounds sterling, and will please have who is a good AA member. to ask you to send us the value of With love, Nan

D EAR Friends in AA, This here is an epistle. But first of all let us say how glad we are which I built a Wendy House, which during the cold winter months nearly froze us and in the dry spells let in to say hello to you all in AA. My half of the country roads in dust and name is Ted and my wife is Nan. when it rains, well you’re almost You have already heard about us welcome to have a secluded shower. from the Durban Branch and we had Anyway with lots of faith and prayer some literature from you addressed we have been able to help tremento us at Ixopo but that literature has dously. I am a refrigeration mechanic been spread out among the Branches by trade, so as we go from place to we have formed so far. This is how place, I do repair work which prowe work. We decided that the cities vides for our living, and also our AA were being well taken care of by the expenses. At Ixopo we had three various AA groups (gosh, how I do meetings in the Methodist Hall, one love to use that AA and 1don’t mean in the DRC Hall and one in the Automobile Association) but little Industrial Hall. Well we were able thought had been given to the coun- to leave behind a group under the try districts, and so Nan and I decided secretaryship of capable H. of whom to do something about it, and so D. has told you. Then at Umzimstarted out, with a DKW truck on kulu among the coloured people we

May 1960

were anxious to share our experience thought myself quite miraculously with our new brotherk in fellowship. healed of the corroding past. It took I had been speaking of the contrast a three-month sober AA, nearly between “that woman who once sat twenty years younger than I, to teach in sodden isolation by the same green me a deep and fundamental truth. It and flowering Plaza where we now has brought me a buoyancy and enjoy our midday coffee” when the lightness of spirit I didn’t know I “baby” interrupted. As so frequently existed. “Look,” he said, “it is like when happens, this newcomer brought the illumination that cleared for me an we went to the pyramids the other area of darkness I hadn’t known still day. Even though the people and cul- I I festered. (In telling my story 1 had ture that built them have disapgone deeply into the places and peared, the marks of them are still mores of my drinking that applied in alive. It seems to me that by killing this particular country, so familiar to the past you are really unconsciously these two who are residents there. I living as if it were part of your preswas of course trying to make it easy ent, a part you are afraid of. Isn’t the for them to identify with me.) past really only the life material of “You bother me,” said the inter- which the present is in part conrupting one. “You talk as if you were structed? It doesn’t seem to me that osr of us have made a return 11 .\\ ‘ speaking of someone else-someone this material, as such, should have

M had known death and rebirth but journey to the place or laces in our drinking life where w i have it had been too soon for me then to understand the motives and forces dead. How can you gain that self- such a hold that we have to kill it. acceptance you say is so necessary if Isn’t AA trying to teach us to change you separate your past from your our attitude toward our past and to most grievously defaulted our purpose, our being, and our gift of life. that pulled me back. This time, be- present, if you cut it off so sharply?” use it rather than to bury it in words cause a small AA group had started I retorted that the person I had been that no longer have meaning?” We approach it differently, depend- since my last visit and because I I knew of course that he was right talking about was dead and that I, a ing on the length and measure of our went with an AA friend, through newly born and furbished I, was all and that once again AA insight had sobriety. We gain from our revisit- them I came to another era of under- that mattered now. But even as I brought illumination and cleared ing, in pain or freedom, in propor- standing and freedom, probably the spoke I knew it wasn’t wholly true, away a mighty waste space. I had tion to those insights we are ready most important plateau I have yet to experience in our growing self- though it was what I had been telling created a void for myself and I was reached in my five miraculous years myself for a long time. trying to fill it with the present. No knowledge and awakening conscious- in AA. ness. Slowly, as the discussion grew, I life material in itself is bad if it is We were talking of drinking in this came to understand that this utter brought to useful fruit. The badness I recently returned from such a town (which happens to be in antrip to the place where, quite un- “cutting-off,” this killing of my lies in burying it as if it had no subother country) and I was particularly earlier self, had been a vastly hinder- stantive worth-in a void. The past knowing, I had reached the end and glib about these days because this started the beginning of what in a ing and destructive thing. I had genu- contains the seeds of today’s powernew group consisted of only two inely believed that by simply relating ful “now” and must needs flow into short time came to be life itself-my members, one of whcm was only , AA life. I had returned before, in the degrading episodes of my drink- the present, even as the first word of three months sober. With me was ing days I had been freed from them. this sentence informs the last. sobriety, to this lovely place where another visiting old timer and we Anon., A rlanta, Georgia I had somehow erased them and I

been drinking heavily for years, quite pital work never ceases to rack me. out of control for some time. I could Week after week, this goes on. Really, never get him to see the AA way of so few ever get this miracle. life. Yet he urged me to stay with it. However, our little clinic does well. I went up to the ward to see him. We had two new members last Sun- He was very sick, advanced DTs. day. Two men, one young, one not so Five people were fighting for his life, young. They were drinking at the two young doctors and three little new local beer garden, consoling each nurses. He went into a coma the next other and feeling sick, sour and be- Midnight day. He did not come out of it al- wildered when another bird joined though he lived a week. I sat with him them. He had had nine happy months when he passed away. I hope I do not of AA brand sobriety, so he told die that way. theni he was getting right back to Thoughts After his funeral the family held the security and happiness that he the usual wake. One lass offered me had thrown away. They listened, a Scotch. “Here, have just one for asked questions, and came along too, his sake. If he were alive he would because they both wanted to cut it be into it.” “No thanks!” I chirped, “that’s why he’s dead.” They came in good spirit but sick, This has been a bit dreary. I also of course. Both were in debt and all lost a girl fricnd whom 1 liked a lot. the rest of it, but sincere, honest and I met her two years ago. Young whole-heartedly glad to find AA. We (twenty-seven) two children, and it really turned it on specially for them, I lrAVE been busy since Christmas. Seems that so many things have happened at once. My daughter who and take great care of it. My husband plays beautifully, and it (the piano) is always treated with a fair amount nice husband. Her husband asked me and those two lads are the most at that time to see if I could get her promising material I’ve seen in a was living in Kalgoorlie came to live of respect, although I don’t fuss really to try our way of 1ife:Believe me, I while. I might add they have still got nearby. So we had quite a time get- to excess with anything else. tried, but eventually she locked me nice wives and children and we manting her settled in nicely. It is good Well, I could not make out where out: I often spoke softly to her age to get a car out there to get them to have her living close. Jeanne is her the faint sounds were coming from. through the door, and I know she from work. Then, after the evening name and she has two adorable Eventually I tracked down the kittens heard me but she was her own meal we go to a meeting or over to babies. 1 missed seeing theni grow,. and rescued them before any real prisoner then. I just couldn’t reach my place or something. The younger as her last home was four hundred horn1 was done. We always seen1 to her. Others tried too but I knew how lad’s wife is due for another baby ‘ miles away. They are very good and have a fresh batch of them. My hus- she felt. Many times during my worst soon, so I have been sewing. I love not at all spoilcd but, like ilny pair band has two gorgeous Persian cats, days I would lock the house and get making baby clothes. And it’s good of healthy young people, they think female, spiteful, unfriendly creatures under the bed with a blanket and to havc a couple of nice women to up all sorts of new devilment. 1 gct to everyone but him. pillow, with a bottle and sleeping come along to our little group. It’s a couple of grey hairs after each visit. I lost a dear friend a week ago. I pills, if I had any. And no one would aftcr midnight and 1 have not washed have got me out-willingly. the coffee cups . . . but 1 will. For This last tinie they dropped four kit- knew him all my life. I was at the tens down inside “father’s” piano. clinic meeting at Fremantle Hospital I This lass died so she won’t have to tonight I will close with all the best 1 have the piano tuned regularly when I saw him admitted. He had i lock the doors any more. Her torture wishes in the world. I is over. Gosh, I am lucky! The hos- B. R., Pult~~yrtr,W. A~r.vlrtrlia

only sherry (a nice old ladies’ drink) pointless as any of the other ones, -but the result was always the same: but as a result of it I wound up in I’d never quit drinking until I got the hospital, after being refused drunk, no matter how hard I had to drinks in three skid-row bars because work at it. Toward the end, I think I I was too drunk. I remained there could have gotten drunk on a pint of for what seemed an eternity, in a cough syrup if I just worked at it room with bars on thewindows, with a little. no clothes, no miney, pb radio, no Seven years ago, my husband TV-only the hospital’book-wagon, threatened to take my three children the morning paper, and ten to twelve away from me if I didn’t lay off the young interns a day coming in to bottle. You see, I was never a nice view specimen A: an alcoholic. lady-like boudoir nipper. I was a It was a pretty horrible and humilflagrant drunk. Some time during any iating time to live through, but I am evening when I had started drinking, grateful for the experience, because I would get bored with the company, it was in the hospital that I was forced irritated with my husband-and off to face my life and realize that I I W A S A BARHOPPER in my car I would sneak to barhop to oblivion, seldom knowing just where couldn’t go on in the same way; and it was in the hospital that I came into I had been or with whom I had spent contact with the psychiatrist who

M Y name is Dood, and I’m alcoholic. I get a nice warm feeling around my heart when I say an drinking that I either would have had sense enough-or not had the courage to do-if I had not been drinking. my time, when I got home again. So his threat really scared me; it scared me so badly that I stayed dry told me that there was nothing wrong with me that quitting the booze wouldn’t cure. He told me to go home that to you, but it wasn’t so long ago I obliterated that part of the defi- for two miserable, self-pitying, mar- and try AA for six months and if my that I thought I would rather die nition to myself by hurling myself tyred years. Finally, even my hus- life was as loused up a mess at the than ever have that word attached to into any worthwhile charitable or band couldn’t stand me the way I end of that time then I should come my name. To me, an alcoholic was a church activity that presented itself. was and begged me to drink again, back to him because I was really in stupid, weak, moral degenerate who I’ve taught Sunday School with such but to control my drinking. Poor guy trouble. lived only to cadge his next drink, a hangover that my class doubled in -the only way that I could control I followed his instructions and I inevitably wound up on skid row, and size with no increase in enrollment. my drinking was just not to take a was one of the lucky ones, for to me died in delirium tremens. When my brother joined AA, I I drink. AA has been the complete answer. Heaven knows I was stupid enough thought that was great for him, but Soon the old pattern was right By the grace of God and the help of .. . otherwise I wouldn’t have gone I certainly didn’t need it. I was sure back in place. After each bout with the AA program and the wonderful on for fourteen years after I started that I could stop drinking any time 1 the bottle, I would swear to my chil- people in AA, I have found contented having blackouts, trying to kid myself I wanted to, but I didn’t want to stop. dren that I would never touch an- sobriety-a way of life so satisfying that I was a social drinker; and I I just wanted to find a pattern that other drop and I wouldn’t-until the to me that my only regret is not that would have recognized the fact that would enable me to drink all I wanted next time. Who knew when that I can no longer drink, but that it took I never stopped drinking until I was and not get drunk. First I quit drink- would be? Usually when I was sure me so long to be ready to accept the drunk, once I got started. Perhaps I ing martinis and drank only bourbon. that nothing too tough to handle was help that was always there waiting was even a moral degenerate: I cer- Then I quit bourbon and drank only going to pop up from the last one! to be asked for. tainly did things when I had been beer. Then I quit beer and drank I My last drunk was as stupid and R. H . I., Crystal Lake, Illinois

July 1960

a new meeting on the same night of there segregation in AA or don’t the week, which caused considerable Negroes have any drinking problems? controversy in all other groups: In another vein, why is there so “That’s pretty good-fellows who little actual anonymity? Someone haven’t been dry six months starting might get up to speak, giving only new meetings.” If I seemed confused his first name, but everyone appeared by all this bickering within the sup- to know not only his last name, but posed serenity, someone said, “You how many times he’d been married should have been here back in such- and how much he still owed on his and-such a year-this is nothing.” car. Or someone would phone and say And how some of them love to “So-and-So says you’re not going to get up and talk. Disappointed thesenough meetings!” I have three pre- pians all, and how tiresome it gets! teen kids who need their new im- And how hideous when it’s you proved mother at home in the eve- standing up there, trying to avoid

F IRST off, I’m a female alcoholic, and I owe a year and a half of happy sobriety to the desperate telecan do anything about people? My only aim in writing is to convey the thought that many hopeful alcoholics ning. “So-and-So said this and that, dredging up the waste products of and I’m so mad I could go get drunk.” your past and wishing you’d stayed Children breaking their toys? “Well, home. I liked the round-table discusphone call made to the AA telephone may be discouraged and drop out of everyone got through the holidays sions best where coffee was served as number. I still think that AA is a AA-back into their private hells- okay except for you-know-who, but the talk went on, but I suppose they wonderful organization, although I when the first happy relief of not then she welcomes any excuse.” Is can’t do that all the time. no longer attend meetings. drinking passes and they take a cold each holiday a fresh emergency to I know I met some fine, sincere Making the decision to call for sober look at their comrades. I was check the casualties? Almost every people in AA,. some I would have help was the first step up out of the disillusioned and just stopped going meeting produced some idiotic de- liked to know better. Perhaps I let suicidal slime, and if there had been to the meetings. I had received the bate such as “Is it permissible to the petty personalities blind me to the no AA to call I might never have message, however. Just the thought drink sweet cider?” Once a bunch of organization as a whole. I’d love to made it. I’d already tried psychiatry of that horrible other me kills any drunks came to the door of a meeting help someode else who needs it as I with no success. Tranquilizers didn’t desire for drink. I pray God it will creating a disturbance. Everyone did, but would hesitate to introduce seem the answer. Trying to stop always be so. laughed. True, probably you can’t the quaking, fearful, but still hopeful drinking, with all one’s friends and The two charming ladies who help them in that condition-but creature to that assembly that met alrelatives still imbibing freely, though called on me that portentous May laugh? Us? most directly over the beer joint, not as persistently, seemed impos- afternoon (after I dialed the number I met women who were neglecting whose lively jukebox was clearly audsible. Apparently, however, AA suc- I’d been debating for so long) were their children by attending meetings ible throughout the uninspiring ceeds through group therapy-unfor- the best of friends-I supposed. This nightly-in town, out of town, anni- speeches and the after-coffee-andtunately the same group that I am pretense was maintained for at least versary, Al-Anon, speaking engage- doughnut gossip. To quote my former now going to criticize very cruelly. a week, when I found to my surprise ments, etc. Isn’t that a substitution pals, “It almost made you want to Most of my criticism has no doubt that they hated each other’s guts. for the liquor that separated them get drunk.” been voiced countless times, and Then a concerted effort was made from their obligations before? An- This won’t do any good, but it’s probably there is no real solution. by one group to unseat one of my other thing: I attended AA get- something I’ve wanted to say for a The trouble is mainly the people be- sponsors from her chairmanship. togethers off and on for nearly a year long time and I feel better. longing to local AA groups-and who Failing this, the conspirators started and saw only one colored person. Is Anon., Elmira, New York

other of us doesn’t call, even if we life so I may enjoy the freedom of have nothing to say except hello. leisure. Meetings to me are a must. I still I wish I could say that I always don’t make dates for Tuesday or feel near to God. There have been Thursday nights. Perhaps I don’t get a few occasions when I have really to both meetings, but I do attend at felt almost a physical nearness and least one a week. Last week I went those times have come when I least to three because I was particularly expected them. He seems to be nearupset and they all helped. I don’t go er when I am least conscious of makout of my way to analyze the whys ing an effort. I love the Serenity and wherefores of how AA works; Prayer, and where I don’t have the in my case it does and I am grateful. wisdom to know the difference be- Finding pleasure in action is an- tween what I can and cannot change other invaluable aid. I don’t mean I have to let God take over; I have no fun-seeking pleasure. There isn’t a choice. woman I know who enjoys all the You asked me to tell you what it menial tasks of everyday living, but is that you are doing wrong. I can’t I can find pleasure in doing them if Only you, in your heart, know the I accept them gracefully. Once the answer. There are some things I have house is clean, I certainly enjoy my finally learned to accept on faith home more. Cooking becomes more (which for me has never been easy). fun if I dream up an extra touch. Whenever I have tried to probe, ana- Even cleaning closets has a reward- lyze or question, I have gotten myself finally I can find things. Best of all into a morass of bad thinking. I is the reward of being sober enough think anyone can do anything one to be able to do these things. wants-if one wants to enough. There are days when I feel de- Financially and materially my life pressed and don’t want to do any of has not changed with sobriety. But I the above. Then I pamper myself can place no price tag on the peace Polly S., o f Rye, N . Y., sent us this copy o f a letter written by D. F. o f New and do something especially enjoy- of mind which has come with my Rochelle, N . Y., to a mutual friend in AA-Ed. able to me; perhaps I set up a date sobriety. To me it is the all important for bridge, sew, paint, read, go out to gain and I hope always to remember lunch. What I am trying to say is that it. I hardly know where to begin to seem, they are still working for me I have to have some discipline in my As ever, D. F. * answer your letter. You said, “I can’t and I don’t question the wisdom of go on living the shame of repeated those who have used them longer failure.” T o me there is no necessity than I. of repeated failure if you can get To me the telephone is one of the back to the simple things that were most important suggestions. Polly suggested to all of us when we first and I have developed the habit. came into AA. As simple as they There isn’t a day that one or the

August 1960

drunk and crying. She wore a torn flagged down a car. I asked the driver housecoat. Her son was only partly to help me find my little girl. I had dressed and was wearing a pair of a general idea in which direction she mismatched socks. had gone. We drove to a state high- I stayed there for a little while try- way about two blocks from our ing to figure out what would be the home, and I saw her go across. She best thing to do. Then I decided to passed through six lanes of traffic bring her to my home for the day. I on this busy highway and got across could not leave her alone for she was safely. I sat in the car watching her in no shape to take care of herself in helpless panic, yet this did not and certainly couldn’t take care of shock me into sobriety. I continued her son. to drink heavily that year. I was After I got her home, I put her to hospitalized many times for alcoholbed. Her little boy said he was hungry ism. During all the special days of so I fed him and left him to play with the year like her birthday, Fourth of my daughter. The woman slept for July, Halloween, Christmas-all the a few hours and when she awoke she days which can be such gay events wasn’t in quite such an alcoholic fog. for a child-I was either in the hos- I got her to eat and spent the rest pital or too befogged with alcohol to of the afternoon talking with her. do anything festive. I was not ready Golden Fringe Benefit Then she asked if I would take her home, get medical help for her, and for spbriety and AA’s help,until my last hospitalization a year and half ask one of her neighbors to take care ago. Then the realization finally of her boy. This I did, struck deep within me that I was I had had to take Patty with me destroying myself and this in turn W HEN I tucked my little daughter into bed last night, she put her arms around my neck, gave me a heavily for nearly a week and wanted help badly. I y e n t to her home to see how I could help her. She lives on this call. A youngster her age can be quite perceptive and perhaps the was destroying my family and home. Last year we didn’t miss a holiday. big hug and said happily: “Oh Mom- alone with her five-year-old son. Her things she witnessed that day had They were all exciting and thrilling my, you take care of me.” Patty is husband left when he could no longer stirred up old memories within her. events that she talked about for days just four and a half years old, but her tolerate her drinking. When she was three, alcohol was afterwards. But even more importrust in me is one of the most gratify- The house was a shambles when I the most important thing in my life. I tant is that I now possess the ability ing rewards of sobriety. arrived. There were dishes caked resented having her around me in the to assume my day-to-day responsibil- What prompted her comment was with stale food sitting on the furni- house because I wanted to drink in ities as a mother; I am able to meet the result of a Twelfth Step call I ture. Clothes were strung every peace. I would put her out in the emergencies, like the day she got hold ‘had received that morning. It was where. Her boy’s toys were scattered back yard, then would pass out while of a bottle of deadly ant poison. I from a woman I had introduced to all over the living-room floor. There she was outside alone. thanked God then that I was sober AA a few months ago, but she wasn’t were empty beer cans, part of a bottle There were times when she would and able to rush her to the doctor in ready to accept her alcoholism and of wine and part of a bottle of vodka run away and I would not locate her time. the help AA could give her. strewn in the kitchen. There was the for an hour or more. One day, when Yes, Patty, Mommy can take care When she called yesterday she was musty smell of stale alcohol and she had been missing only a short of you today. desperate. She had been drinking smoke. The woman was helplessly time, I went out to the street and G.M.,Sunnyvale, California

managed to exist throughout the days standing; he also had suffered a and months that followed. The hurt, broken romance. It was another inkeen and raw, prevented me from stance of misery loving company. facing life without the stupefaction For over two years we passed afforded by John Barleycorn. many an evening sympathizing with On a subway platform one day, each other over our beer, whiskey or I noted a sign, a Biblical verse which vodka. One day my friend confessed read: “Commit Thy Way Unto The that he could not stop drinking and Lord; Trust Also in Him, and He he wondered if he could be an alco- Shall Bring It To Pass.” holic. I didn’t think he was then but , As I progressed from frequent to a few months later when he exconstant drinking, I clung to the perienced blackouts and DTS, I knew promise of that verse, not realizing he needed help. I prayed for him and that I was failing to commit my way I prayed for guidance to help him. unto His keeping. I seemed to re- In the midst of my prayers one member only that a better, happier day I thought: “Why don’t you go to . life would come to pass and 1prayed AA and find out what it’s like? Then constantly for the realization of it. maybe you can help him to go.” I Somewhere in the time that fol- did that. I went to AA. I persuaded lowed I became aware that the hor- my friend to come also. However, rible, aching hurt within me had not he decided it was not for him and he been caused entirely by the broken stopped going to meetings. How engagement and the six lost years, much further down he will have to but that it had been due to the over- go I do not know. But I am humbly whelming repetition of the many grateful for the guidance that led me

So Long to Mature hurts I had endured as a little girl who grew up feeling unloved and unwanted. With this insight came the to AA..Through it I recognized my own alcoholism and I found sobriety. Through $he program’s teachings I parallel realization that I had never found the emotional maturity I fully grown up emotionally. But real- needed. I found myself. izing one’s failing and knowing what I also found the answer to the T T was raining in New York City married as we hacd long planned. to do about it are sometimes two dif- promise of the subway sign. For He on that late March week end 0-f I was ill prepared for the news has brought it to pass-a wonderful 1955. I had taken an evening train F—- had for me: he had become ferent things. Slowly my drinking pattern new way of life, rich in friendship from Boston and I was overjoyed at involved with a girl in Germany and and happiness and a love beyond my the thought of meeting F—- when changed from daily bouts to weekour engagement was over. Over! end binges. I began to date again. I fondest dreams. his ship docked on its return from Nearly six years out of my life! Do A. C. B., Lowell, Mass. Bremerhaven, Germany. Now, after met a man who seemed very underyou erase it as though it never hapfive and a half years, I thought, he vened? will be home to stay. The long sepa- ‘ What do you do? rations are over and we can be I drank. Fortified by the bottle, I

August 1960

I CHEATED MYSELF

I BEGAN writing this with a prayer that God would help me express my experience, so that it might bring plied to me with three little boys to care for, so I kept excusing myself. This went on for three years dehappiness to someone who may be spite the efforts of a very dear friend having the same problem I had. in AA who kept encouraging me to During my first year in AA I at- make another meeting. tended at least three and some times Then, after a particularly severe more meetings each week. It was a two weeks’ period of depression and wonderful year-a long, pink cloud. discouragement which I had begun Having adjusted very well to the to experience quite regularly, I found program and this new way of life myself desperately trying to keep and, having two little boys added to from taking that first drink. Fortuthe one I already had, I began to nately, I pulled out of it. And I made find it difficult to make so many a decision to make an extra meeting meetings. Finally, I limited myself to each week without fail. one “women’s meeting” a week. Thank God for the old-timers who Through the Grace of God and help us along these rough spots and trying to work the program to the steer us straight. This fifth year has best of my ability, I managed, with been so rich and full that I’m conthe help of many friends in AA, to vinced thoroughly that we get out stay sober. But I wanted some of of this program exactly what we put this bubbling-over happiness that into it. I feel certain that I cheated some of the members had. myself of four years of happiness and I had heard over and over again lost the opportunity of perhaps helpthat at least two meetings a week are ing another alcoholic. needed, but I didn’t think that ap- Mrs. G . L., Hialeah, Florida

The children were those “prom- fathers at drinking parties and never ises” to me. They kept me, I know, touched a drop. He had found it surfrom hitting the kind of bottom I prisingly easy. He knew that his son might have hit but for the simple fact had enjoyed his company and had of their existence. In spite of this, I been given no reason to be ashamed could not, during my first weeks in of him. He was a radiant man. AA, identify with speakers who had I felt at moments that this man was been in more obvious kinds of trouble talking right at me, showing me how than I. I could not, as a result, accept it could bc when my own son went off the First Step totally and get on with to college. He showed me that I need the other eleven. not be afraid to visit my son when

r PROMISES A; TO KEEP AA Mother Declares a Dividend Then at one open meeting I heard a man whose story hit me with a deeply personal impact. He had driven some distance to address us, having just flown in from the Middle that time came; that my son would welcome visits from me if he could know that his mother, no matter what else she might or might not be, would be sober. West where he had been attending the I felt urgently that I must start at that the only thread holding me to fathers’ week end at his son’s univer- T HE fall that I first attended an AA meeting my son was beginning his senior year in high school life was a few lines of Robert Frost’s from “Stopping by Woods on a sity. He was very tired and would gladly have begged off his speaking once, yith the help available to me in AA, so that I would be ready when my son went away. I felt, too, a surge and mv daughter was entering the Snowy Evening.” date but for the fact that AA had en- of gratitude that, if 1 started now, I same School- as a freshman.. The abled him to spend this first sober could be sober for his last year at’ The 1 1 ~ o d sare loi,eI.v, h r k names of these two children had for … ,111d … 1 1. ‘ Tr ~ .. week end as his son’s guest. He home and have three whole alcohola long time topped my n~rntalist of wanted to share with us the wonder free years with my daughter before reasons I should stop drinking. It is But I hme protnises to keep, of the experience. It would seem so she too was gone. I began to see that proof to me of the insidious power of And miles to go before I simple, I guess, to a non-alcoholic. the woods of alcoholism were not alcohol over the alcoholic that I sleep, That it was far from simple to me lovely, only dark and deep. I sensed could not stop on my own, even for And miles to go before I helped me to realize that I was where that the miles that stretched ahead my children. More than once I felt sleep. I belonged. He had sat with the other could mean a joyful rather than a

constrained and fearful journeying. did I? There is so much one doesn’t as the heartaches and responsibilities tive they are! I hadn’t realized in the Not until I had been sober for two remember. of the moment, I made life seem like depths of my alcoholic self-pity what months and felt the yeast of the pro- There is also much one remembers something to be endured rather than it must do to children to have a gram working within me did I dare with painful clarity. My daughter one embraced. A shocking legacy for the mother who is a cry-baby. And how tell the children what I was trying to evening: “You’re talking so funny, very human beings I had brought so marvelous it is to see the forgiveness do. Their reaction was spontaneously Mummy. If I didn’t know you so hopefully into the world! preached by Christ practiced by adoenthusiastic-proof enough that they well, I’d think you were drunk.” (If The pre-AA memories are not lescents-not by giving lip service to too had wanted this. This gave me she didn’t know me so well!) My son: pretty, but I never want to forget the word but by responding to a new another incentive to stick with it. “No cookies, thanks, Mom. I gave them. For, as one of the philosophers situation wholeheartedly and without They didn’t ask a lot of questions, them up for Lent. Why don’t you give has said, the mistakes we forget are recriminations. but my son did ask me some time up something for Lent, like sherry, those we are doomed to repeat. Of all the gifts I have received in later what we talked about at meet- for instance?” (How could I say that The unsavory memories are no AA, this is surely one of the greatest. ings. In answer, I gave him the I had given up sherry for Lent, on my longer a burden to me. I simply keep And to those women who. are still Twelve Steps to read. When he knees, in our church, and that within them on file to refer to should I ever having trouble in the nest, I should handed them back to me, he said two days I had started drinking again be tempted to take a drink. I like to say, don’t be disheartened. Resomething that made me inordinately again?) Either child, any time: “But have new memories on file now, too, member how slowly sobriety returns happy. “Well, Mom,” he said, “I Mummy, I told you that last night. that provide a second bulwark and how understandable it is that can see these steps would be good for Can’t you remember anything?” (No, against temptation. These are the your children, who never really unyou. They’d be good for anyone. But I couldn’t remember anything.) “But good memories.. . . derstood your drunkenness, cannot you don’t have to worry about the I want to go downtown, Mom, do you The night we said good-by to our believe right away in your new self. eighth and ninth. You couldn’t harm have to take a nap?” (Yes, I had to son in the leafy dusk of a small col- Don’t just stay sober for them. Live anyone, even if you tried.” take a nap, my motherly euphemism lege town; the gentleness with which every part of the AA program for ‘

Perhaps I had done no real harm for passing out.) “Why don’t you he leaned down to kiss my cheek and them every minute of every day. then? Ah, there’s a dangerous trend drive this time, Mummy? The other said, “You’re doing all right, Mom. Take it easy. Put first things first. For of thought! Of course I had done mothers always do the driving.” (So I’m proud of you.” The eager invita- every time you need help, they may harm, some of it undoubtedly so this time I gave in and drove a car tions for us to visit him at college need help of a different kind. Gradsubtle, so deep-seated that it could full of youngsters to a party when I from time to time, the easy way in ually, as you grow, they will grow too, ‘ never be undone. But, with love still had no business being on the road. which he has brought his classmates and changes that are imperceptible intact and with AA to guide and How criminally irresponsible can one home to visit. The fact that he has at first will one day become wonderstrengthen me, I could build a new be? And by the grace of God I had no decided on his own not to drink. . . . fully apparent. life for all of us, on a new foundation. accidents. ) T h e way my daughter hums I don’t know the name of the man I have heard other women, partic- For the most part I see my sins around the house with a kind of con- who spoke to our group about the ularly when they are relatively new against my children as those of omis- tagious inner contentment; the confi- fathers’ week end at his son’s univerin AA, say they can’t believe they sion rather than commission. I was dences she shares with me in the sity. I only know that he lived in New ever harmed their children because so often not there in mind and spirit knowledge that I care about them, York and the university was in Inthey never disgraced them publicly or when love and counsel were needed. that I will remember them, and that I diana. I hope he is still sober and knocked them around. This is a form I left undone many little things I am even able to give her worth-while still reads the Grapevine. I hope he of self-justification in which I would might have done to bolster their sense advice; the evening she said to me out recognizes himself in this story-berather not indulge, although I never of security and brighten their lives. of the blue, “Gee, it’s nice, Mummy, cause it is, in a way, a thank-you disgraced my own family in public By using alcohol as a means of with- now that you laugh at the things that letter to him. or knocked them around either. Or drawal from the simple joys as well used to make you cry.” How percep- M . C., Pleasantville, New York

September 196’0

Z a e d i t raion its purpose. . . . Now and then the around here about thirty-five years. . f* floor boards may creak but then I . . . Not very long, huh? . . No. . . . would too if stepped on so many In fact I feel like a first-grader starttimes. . . . On the bureau is an old- ing out in high school. . . . History, fashioned flatiron. . . . Been in the medical science, and the insurance family for years. . . . Now serves as companies remind me that the avera conversation piece. . . . Though it age stay around here is about sixtyi be seventy-five years old you would five years, give or take a little. . . . only have to heat it on top the So actually my stay is rather a pit- I kitchen stove to restore its useful- tance compared to the wealth I see ness. . . . about me. . . . Here I am, sitting at “Come to think of it, I have never . the halfway mark of life. . . Truly, . realized how much I am surrounded life is but a fleeting moment. . . . with aging things. . . . I look out the “What will the rest of my life be window at the tall, faithful oak tree. like? . . . I don’t know. . . . Haven’t . . . Let’s see, Grandpa once said it lived it yet. . . . But the past I have was about seventy years old. . . . That lived . . . lived with all all the joys, was twenty years or more ago. . . . tears, sorrows, frustrations, successes I imagine that old tree has seen that are the common heritage of all countless souls come and go in life. men. . . . I’m no different from them. . . . How many tears and sorrows, . . . . It has all been an experience. . . how much laughter of children have Perhaps if I try to live my future life its snaggy branches caught up a day at a time with the knowledge throughout the years? . . . I wonder. 1 have acquired from my past mis- . . . That white flagpole over by the takes, I could be successful. . . . But, rock garden was planted by a great- time is running short-only about uncle on his return from the war. . . . thirty-odd years to go. . . . May as Still, it courageously holds our flag well resign myself to making them on every legal holiday. . . . Across the best and most enjoyable years. the street is Johnson, the car dealer. . . . But I need help. . . . I want help. The age-old roughened brick struc- . . . I want direction. . . . I want selfture now houses flashy new autos confidence. . . . I want and need through its massive display windows. something stronger than me. . . .” At one time these windows served as My mind snaps back to reality. doorways for horse buggies. . . . My eyes return to the book. My “Time marches on. . . . The green hands skim over the pages and stop lawn now catches my eyes and I . . . “Rarely have we seen a person think, earth, just how many years fail who has throughly followed our have you been around? One billion? path. . . .” Who said there are no Two billion? Who knows? . . . Then musts in AA? I think of me. Yes, me. I’ve been Anon., Whidbey Island, Wash.

September

glowing warmth of self-esteem that enjoyed a very stimulating ego infla- quite simply it can be put on paper can so easily develop when the tion. We agreed that it had been a as 100 in ‘39,200 in ‘40,400 in ’41, climate is right. very fine group meeting; and we con- and so on, up to the astounding fact Back in 1953 at the Yale Summer gratulated each other on having had that as of 1960 we should have School session on alcoholism I had the opportunity to straighten out 209,7 15,200 members in AA. an experience that has stuck with me. a clergyman. We stopped by ‘the Now that’s a lot of people! That’s It was hot in New Haven that July; so rooms assigned to AA for a cup of a lot more people than there are in hot that many of us spent a lot of coffee; and, of course, we boasted a these United States. But there it is. time, nights, lying out on the campus bit to other AA members we found So what have we actually accomgrass instead of trying to sleep in the there. plished? dormitory rooms. Among them was an AA member Let’s be both fair and reasonable One evening I was one of three from the army engineers, a fellow with ourselves and assume that we AAs who were part of a small group who was quick with the figures. He probably have-including the many hashing over some of the things we listened to our remarks about the who cannot be counted-at least had been hearing in the lectures. A poor frustrated clergyman who had 200,000 former drunks now sober young clergyman from North Caro- managed to sober up only two drunks and living a normal life as a result of lina was one of the group. He told us in two fulI years of effort. To our AA, in the U. S. that he was attending the school in amazement and chagrin, the army So, if we assume that it should be order to learn enough about alcoho- engineer AA spoke up and said: a dead cinch to twelfth-step just one lism to be able to do a better job in “If you fellows will stop and think drunk per year per member into AA, dealing with the many alcoholics in for a minute you’ll realize that our then we are entitled to whatever satishis congregation and in his home friend the clergyman is actually doing faction we can derive from the fact community. He told us that for two a whale of a job; a damned sight that we have actually accomplished years he had been struggling despera- better job than most of us are doing.” just one-tenth of one per cent of what tely with nine different victims of He then went on to point out that, we should have accomplished. alcoholism and he felt that he had starting with 1939 when we assume So let’s not be smug about it. been successful in only two cases. there were just 100 drunks sobered I have tried many a time to defend No doubt you know how we-the up and on the beam in AA, if each myself against the above brutal facts. AA members-felt about it all. Sure, member of AA had been successful Of course I know-and everybody we felt sorry for him. The poor devil, in Twelfth Step work only to the seems to agree-that there just isn’t ‘ve been wondering, lately, wheth- he just didn’t understand that he had extent of just one person each year anything else that even approaches er we so called old-timers aren’t two strikks on him to start with. Just the membership of AA in 1953 AA as far as results are concerned. getting a bit smug about our wonder- what could he, a non-alcoholic-and would have been 1,638,400. But try as I may, I’m damned if I can ful AA. More and more we read worst of all, a clergyman-expect to Today I got to thinking about the name just one person that I can claim about the doctors, clergymen, law accomplish? Why didn’t he turn the terrific deffation carried by that definitely as a successful Twelfth Step enforcement officials, and so on, who job over to AA and let people who simple fact; and I got to wondering job of my own. And I’ve really been are telling the world (and us) that know how to straighten out the what the present score would be if trying for a little over nineteen years. there’s just nothing that can do the drunks do something about it? we had all accomplished just the one- Guess I’ll just have to reassess the job AA is doing. And I’m wondering When the group finally broke up a-year bit from 1939 to the present. old humility; stop being smug; and whether some of us (including my- and went off to try to sleep we three It doesn’t take long. There’s a try a little harder. self) aren’t beginning to bask in the very well-satisfied AA members had mathematical formula for it; but F. H . C., Phoenix, Arizona

January 1961

reasonable exhortation to, “Just sit the life of my son. For AA also r e Happy Birthday to.Me still and think it out,” or a gay, “Oh live and let live” after an indignant turned to him his long-alienated father who is now his mother’s close, complaint about a school friend who respected friend. These changes have has borrowed and broken his expen- brought with them disruptions in his An AA mother appraises tbe results sive camera. In other words his neat, controlled, adult-attractive patof her six yeus of robriely on b r son- mother is “way out” and it is not tern. He has become endlessly unand finds it good therefore surprising that he himself tidy, his even paced learning habits is uncertain, given to wild mood now fluctuate wildly, A’s in English, swings, lacking in discipline, and failure in math. He bites his nails, he prone to adult assumptions and child- works feverishly and then goofs off ish withdrawals. for hours. He is full of gaiety or black Any one of my “authorities” might with moods. He has no social charm stop here and say, “For heaven’s at all for most adults but he has a N this first of January, 1961-1 Now he finds himself coming into 0 am six years old. This absurd, pathetic yet somehow deeply grateful man’s estate with a little child to guide him. A mother who has lost sake if this is what AA has done let her by all means go back to drinking.” For my experts would see only hoard of devoted school friends of all colors, ages and persuasions. He statement comes from the mother of all certainty and with it most of her the surface of things, they would not a strapping sixteen-yearsld son who “divine” authority. He discovers his see the self-contained shell surroundwould often be the first to concur female parent is far more apt to say ing my son six years ago. They would with it. After all he had most of his “I don’t know, let’s try it anyway,” not see a ten year old who had no early years with a female parent of than the comfortable “Don’t try, it’s friends and gave himself to no one. lofty infallibility, of insistent and ab- wrong, it won’t work.” He rarely They would see a beautiful, wellsolute adult authority. He knew a hears, “I just KNOW, so do as I say” behaved little boy who never cried, chic, successful business mother, an he frequently, all too frequently did his lessons, sang his songs and accomplished and self-acknowledged hears, “Darling, you’ll have to l e a n walked his way with a rather terrifyegg head. His early conscious mem- it your way because I don’t know.” ing charm. They would see a boy so ories are perforce full of tender- He often finds himself accused in well-adjusted that he never menloving-care, of wholesome meals, of anger and a few minutes later over- tioned the father he had not seen for expert and correct freedom from whelmed with apologies for his tear- years, a boy without any visible “smothering.” All the attitudes, the ful mother’s loss of temper. neurosis, with adequate attention proven formulas, the right procedures This never happened in his early and “group relatedness,” with a cafor his emotional health and mental years. His older mother was never pacity for learning quite up to his stability were his to thrive and grow wrong and never lost her temper. high IQ. They would see all this beon. They came from the most con- Her control was perfect and icy. He cause this is what they did see. They cerned and competent of experts- finds a baffling lack of maternal con- would not know what went on in his from Spock and Gesell to the Child’s cern over failures in Latin and Al- heart and neither would I for by Guidance Clinic. gebra coupled with a completely un- then my own was frozen. This sharp shift from mother to mother, from no-father to father has brought deep and difficult changes in

I”+; suffers intensely a good deal of the Why do I dare make such an opti- young to understand, it is enough and I’ve found it in part in the trees time and goes into equal ecstasy over mistic forecast? I think it is because that it is happening, that he is becom- and the grass and the stones although Bach or Johnny Mathis. He is now I know what is happening to him. ing. As for me, well I 6nd in this it has kept me away from the other very definitely a problem child to all L i e his mother he too broke down new and ever wondrous reality a kids and made my mother mad all adults and his high IQ is rarely inside six years ago and like her he daily cause for rejoicing in both the summer. You have complained bevisible. But oh the utter relief of it!- too is now learning the pain and re- pain and joy of my six years. sponsibiity of life with love. For I cause you have worked so hard but because he is growing into a human I need only think back to what know that all of the early years of the school psychiatrist said to me I don’t feel sorry for you. You have being and I somehow do not think he will end up either in AA or on an my son’s life were bereft of love and five years ago, “Your son is having a mother who understands and you analyst’s couch. it is for that he is now paying and trouble in class because of some don’t seem to have any trouble with having at last to find his way with newly inner emerging guilts and con- God. 1 still do. It will be good to be others. I know that this must be so flicts that keep him from concen- back at school with you again. I feel because until this fellowship entered trating, we don’t know the answer I’m getting somewhere when we can my life and claimed me for better or yet.” And now I think of his coming talk it out.” worse, I had never believed in a God into my room at midnight just before My son and my son’s girl gave me of any understanding, and so had no he went back to prep school this fall my birthday present in September, belief in the reality of myself, my with a letter saying, “Ma, I want you now I am sharing it with all of you chid, or another human being. How to read my girl’s last letter, what do who made it possible, on my birthcan there be reality without some you think?” His girl’s last letter said, day January 1, the date of my first knowledge of God? The will of self “I’ve spent this summer as we dis- AA meeting. which governed my life is a will with- cussed, trying to find the Betty in me H. W., Pleasantville,N . Y . out the capacity to experience love and so I know that in spite of all the tender-loving-care, in spite of the bedtime stories, and the gentle kisses, and the devotions during childhood illnesses, it was only a longing for love I gave to my chid and not love itself. Six years ago his shell began to break but it was still a young thin shell, and although the going is gradual it is perceptible to all who know and love him. My armor was fortyfive years thick and it went overnight, so I am still more vulnerable than he, more nearly six than sixteen. The difference lies only in the degree of consciousness we bring to our reeducation. He does not yet know what is happening to him, he is toa

February 1961

From the dislaff side I ATTENDED a little meeting recently I’m an alcoholic and I’m a woman in which the topic of alcoholic women and when I am called upon to speak, in AA was brought for discussion. It my concern is not for what anyone is occurred to me that women do some- thinking of my appearance or my times have a tougher battle on their vocabulary or my sinful past, if it is hands than some of their fellows of considered so, but rather my thoughts the male gender, mainly I guess, be- are for the men and women who are cause women are supposed to uphold sitting in the audience wondering if the dignity and virtue of their sex and it is possible that they, too, will one not succumb to the temptations that day have some of the sobriety the befall the men. speaker is talking about. While I can appreciate this mis- These are the people that I, as a conception and wish that it were true, woman alcoholic, want to talk to- I can’t help but feel that we are still the ones that have their hand on the attaching moral stigma to our illness future of AA-the ones that will walk rather than accepting it as a disease this path after those who are on it of mind and body. If it is to be now; and these are the ones I want agreed, and it generally is, that alco- to assure that, with effort and fearholism is no respecter of persons or lessness and sincerity of purpose, the sex, then I think it is time for the women of AA to stand up and be women of Alcoholics Anonymous counted and not care if some holier- stand right along with the men in the than-thou is going to criticize her neg- dignity and evidence of their own lect of her feminine duties, or even sobriety. motherhood. If a gal is sick, and if L. N., Los Angeles, California she’s to get sober and stay sober then that sickness has to go, and with it must go the remorse, regret, and the criticism that sometimes comes from those who do not quite believe that this is no moral issue and that the allergy to alcohol can be found in anyone.

May 1961

FOR L-A-D-Y LUSHES In February we published a Drunk Quotient questionnaire for men. Now a reader on the distafl side submits a D.Q. for the gals

The recommended questions are: 1. Did you ever call everybody (or the ones you remembered) at the “night-before party,” hoping someone would clue you as to what happened or what you did? Died if they told you, died if they didn’t! 2. Did you ever pop two soda bromides into your mouth instead of aspirin and stand there and fizz and foam, wondering if you should call a veterinarian? 3. Did you ever come to, in the middle of the night, in your nightgown, find yourself pouring drink after drink for yourself, giggling and calling it “Whiskey Roulette,” wondering which shot would kill you? 4. Did you ever fall down practically all the time on drinking parties and swear somebody pushed you, even if no one was within twenty feet? 5. Did you, when drinking, give away everything but the kitchen sink, to m y b o d y and wonder where it went? 6. Did you make wild promises to take the neighborhood kids, ten or more, on a picnic while hung over up to here? 7. Did you use TV commercials as gauges for time to pour one-like bctween every other soap? 8. Did you ever find brown-stained whiskey-evaporated water glasses on top shelves, way back, where you’d hidden them, during a party, as reserves? 9. Did you always manage to “tie one on” before: meeting the boss’s wife, big family holiday dinners, or non-alcoholic parties? 10. Did you tell everybody that the reason you were all “puffy, red-weepycycd” was: you’d had bad news, hay fever, were allergic to juniper berries in the gin, or corn in the corn whiskey? Pure corn, that is. M. U.,Fort Collins, Colo.

May 1961

MICKEY MAKES A MIRACLE home I had phoned my pal and made an elaborate headdress and a sea date to have dinner at a restaurant quinned G-string. She was a show- Ex-showgirl I had never heard of-it seemed an girl for several years and then word (ind Dream Street lush, unlikely spot on the far West Side, got around that Mickey was a good well away from the bright lights, but kid until she got loaded. If there is she brought the message that was where he told me to meet one thing a stage door Johnnie abhim. hors it’s a noisy, troublesome dame. to this active By the time I got there I was feel- Mickey was dropped, and fast. The alcoholic ing no pain-I had patronized the booze had got her. It wasn’t long commuter club car and the bar in before the progression had booted Grand Central. her out of show business entirely. We gave each other the huge hello She became a denizen of one of the and ordered dinner. While we were streets in the West Forties, the one waiting for the food (I was on my which Damon Runyon called Dream fifth double Manhattan) I saw a Street-not because it was a well- But to be honest about it, AA had I N the article, “It Comes to Us,” [Grapevine, January, 19611 the writer told about the power of one come to me several months before and not with any blare of trumpets, tall, well-stacked girl come in and take a little table by herself over near the wall. I was having a bit of trouble known hang out for junk pushers, but because its habituts spend so much of their time dreaming about sentence, heard at an open meeting: either. It had come softly, “like a getting both eyes synchronized by what they have done and what they “It was about this time that AA first thief in the night.” this time, but I could always focus are going to do tomorrow.. ratne to me.” The usual formula, of I had been living away from my on an hour-glass shape. Then I rec- At this period of Mickey’s life her course, is “And that is how I first old haunts around Manhattan’s ognized her and let out a bellow, friends would dodge her when they come to AA.” Times Square, for some years. When “Mickey, sweetheart! Come over and I did get into town, I usually looked saw her coming because they knew This hit me hard and started me ‘ join the party. You’re looking mar- she would put the bite on them for thinking-did AA come to me? up an old drinking pal with whom I . velous!” the price of a fifth. It was too bad For quite a few years now I have had been on some rip-roaring parties. And she did look marvelous. described, in telling my story, how I He was not an alcoholic-just a two- Mickey had played leads in school about Mickey, but there was nothing stumbled into the Intergroup office fisted drinker who loved to get drunk plays, and had come to New York anybody could do about it-that is, after I had grown so desperate that I and raise hell on occasion. But down for a career in the “thitter.” Parts there was nothing her old crowd took the most desperate measure of the years my own pattern of drink- were scarce and it wasn’t long before knew about. all-I asked God for help. And I got ing had changed to what I know now Mickey shelved her ambitions and Along the line, somebody had the answer, “Look up AA-you’re was alcoholic. took a job strutting around the floor hauled off and pasted Mickey in the ready for it.” So in I tottered. On this occasion, before leaving of a big, noisy night club, wearing kisser, knocking loose a couple of

front teeth. She never had money to old pal and muttered thickly, “Isn’t waste on a dentist so she just tried it remarkable what this new AA renot to smile too broadly. Not that ligion, or whatever it is, does for she ever had much to smile about. these poor, unfortunate alcoholics? I had not seen or heard from Most inspiring.” I then wept a few Mickey in years. And here she was, quick tears to show that I was All wearing a “basic black” dress and Heart. white cotton gloves, her hair neatly My pal just said, “Yeah, Mickey combed (with a few unashamed is looking great.” He had seen her streaks of gray showing). Her make- before, knew she was in AA, knew up was on straight, her eyes were that she usually had her dinner in clear and she had new “China clip- that restaurant. And he knew that I pers” in front, so her smile was as -his old assistant hell raiser-was far pretty as ever. gone on booze. He had set me up When she sat down with us I hol- for innoculation in AA without saylered to the waiter, “A double rye ing a word about it. Pretty sneaky. for this lovely lady.” I have never seen Mickey again Mickey said, “No, thanks. I don’t from that day to this. drink any more. But don’t let that It was not long after that I hit my stop you. You go right ahead.” own bottom and was forced to let a The double came and I drank it glimmer of truth into my whiskeymyself-willful waste makes woeful darkened mind. Then it was that I want. asked the Higher Power for help, Finally I asked the big question: and got it. Intergroup, here we come. “Mickey, I’m glad to see you’ve But I will never again boast that stopped drinking-but how did you I “came into AA under my own ever manage to do it?” power.” AA came for me in that “I’ve joined Alcoholics Anony- little steak-house when Mickey mous,” she answered. “It’s a great walked in, clear-eyed and lovely, outfit. I’ve learned a lot in it-and “carrying the message” by her very had a lot of fun. If you’re an alcoholic presence. I was drunk at the time, like me, you can’t stop all by your- but not too drunk to know that I was self. You have to do it with the face to face with a miracle. It was group.” That was all she said. like seeing Lazarus, risen from the When Mickey finally got up to go dead. to the powder room, I turned to my Anonymous, New Rochelle, N. Y .

June 1961

I had to drink the vodka so I could a sort of road-company Judith Anpretend to be alive. The show went derson. The madcap had turned into on every day around four-thirty. a bitter, self-pitying woman who Performer 1 put the records on the hi-fi, didn’t know who or what she waspoured the first stiff one with ice and why or where she was needed-and tonic, started a glorious dinner (usu- was no longer young enough to state ally something French or Indonesian her demands boldly. -there was no stopping me), tidied I know that I’ve set down these This gal the house, fed and bathed my chil- thoughts in a theatrical vernacular. discovered only dren, read to them sometimes, But I’m geared to amateur theatriwatered the plants, fed the dog, often cals. It’s only since AA took over professionals are telephoned friends to reveal my latest that I’ve learned I’m an amateur at and most precious thoughts, mopped life, too. paid to act the kitchen floor. Oh, how I toiled to This is the kind of amateur status earn those few hours of liquid free- that hurts the most. At thirty-seven, dom! after fourteen months of attending By nine o’clock, the show I had three AA meetings a week, I now

u UNTIL a little more than a year ago, most of my life was spent play acting. And believe me, the concepts I had of mystlf (many of them But as I’ve said, life has a way of catching up. There I was, in my midthirties. My family and responsibilities had grown considerably. And I written, produced and acted in was must admit that I never knew very put to bed. And so was Mama. Drugged by the combination of much of anything about anything. If a wise and indescribably patient booze, hard labor, food and a little psychiatrist hadn’t shown me the diunconscious) offered an endless and hadn’t. My self-made images had be- tslcvision (hazily viewed), the old rection in which to go, I might never splendid repertoire! come harder and harder to sustain. girl drifted into her dull, uneasy have found this program, which is For awhile, cocktail parties and They needed something strong and slumber. And at 2 A.M., inevitably, becoming my spiritual home. I have. community theater productions pro- potent to hold them up. Like vodka, the slumber ended. had to start all over and my steps are vided a passable outlet for my dubi- maybe. And during the last two years This was the time-2 A.M.-when uneven and faltering. But there is , ous talents. I had to be “on” or I was of my drinking, the dosage got I knew my show had laid an egg. ground beneath me now. And there lost. Then, as the family finances re- stronger and stronger. Vodka was no Nothing makes a better mirror than is a special kind of family. to take my versed and my leisure dwindled, there longer a treat reserved for Saturday those wretched hours of pre-dawn hand. was reality to cope with. And I played nights and chats with friends, it be- wakefulness. Sick and confused, I at that, too. came a necessary part of my kitchen looked at myself in the dark and Real Life, I’ve since discovered, is equipment. Without it, I simply turned away. The play was over. And a drama that requires first-rate per- couldn’t do my job. the fact that I had sipped my mediformers. But no one can deny that I The children came to accept the cine from a Georg Jensen glass to made a stab at it. Really, I did! Mad- fact that Mommy got more cheerful the background accompaniment of cap career girl, bread-baking peasant, in the late afternoon. My husband Oscar Peterson’s piano did little to doting mother, lady philosopher, gay and I called it “Mommy’s medicine.” dispel my dull despair. sophisticate, off-beat matron, subur- Sometimes we fought about it. And You might guess that by the time ban soubrette. You name it, I played we even laughed about it occasion- AA stepped in and rang down the it. I ran the gamut of emotions from ally. Because then we didn’t know curtain, my play acting had lost its A to Zombie. that Mommy was an alcoholic. spontaneity. The truth is, I’d become

What is AA to me? It’s where little and how insignificant you are. you’re given a handful of twenty-four AA is where people say what hours and told you can make some- you’re feeling. It’s where people thing lovely out of it if you try. Tal- come after they’ve had enough to ent, beauty or wit isn’t necessary. Just drink and are tired. a scrap of faith to begin with. AA is where you aren’t lonely any A A is where you stop running and more. practice standing still, to give some- There’s more, much more, to this thing inside yourself a chance to wonderful Fellowship that I don’t happen. know yet. You must remember I’m It’s where you sit and listen and still in the toddler stage. sometimes you hear something that But AA promises me the answers will make tomorrow better. that I have missed in my silly, ama- AA is where you aren’t a house- teurish lifetime. And to think-the wife or a clerk or a beekeeper; it’s price of admission to this program is where you’re a human being and your merely sobriety! own person is born. With God’s help, I can surely AA is where, if you’re a big afford such a small fee. woman (like me), you find out how B. P., Chappaqua, N.Y .

June 1961

GRATITUDE FOR A SOBER DECADE T o this grateful woman alcoholic, these years bring “an inside happiness, something like falling in love”

AST June I celebrated my tenth spired, as is also its position among L year in AA, but despite all the the Twelve. benefits, my spiritual progress has I am grateful for all things said been slow. Recently, I re-read the over and over again in AA meetings. 1960 International Issue of the They are like themes interpreted, and Grapevine, and I wondered and mar- stated differently, by each of us for veled over the widespread influence the benefit of all. They help us realize of AA, and came to the conclusion the big ways, and the little ways, in that I had never read anything more which we identify with each other. courageous than the opening article I am at this moment gratefully called “Alone Across Africa.” aware that I learned from AA mem- Suddenly, I have a small concep- bers the adventure of Step Eleven: tion of what my inadequate efforts at Sought through prayer and rnedita- Step Three have done for me, and my tion to improve our conscious contact formerly unmanageable life. I realize with God as we understood Him, that, because of this key Step, my AA praying only for knowledge of His husband and 1 have been able to pick will for us and the power to carry it up the pieces of our lives and live out. The few times on which this them together. Though sober, my drawing closer to the God of my undecade in AA has not, until now, derstanding has happened to me, I been a happy one. Only God knows have felt myself to be the most fortuwhy I stayed sober through some of nate and happy and grateful person my experiences, and certainly I have in the whole world. This is to me what no feeling that I did it by myself. I is meant when, in AA, we talk about realize through the Third Step that happiness. I believe in a special kind no matter how irregular, or how of AA happiness that can get us small, one’s efforts are, God is gra- through any type of disaster, or, most cious enough to give us enormous re- important of all, that can get us wards. Sometimes I think the simple through our own low moods and dry wording of that Step contains all the drunks. This inside happiness is grandeur of all philosophies rolled something like falling in love. into it. To me, it was divinely in- A . C., Washington, D. C .

July 1961

children and vacationers, all glori- bruises, which bloomed all summer ously spirited and tanned. A few long. were hilarious, having rushed to the I felt’^ was a pretty anonymous dock from early cocktails. drinker. I rarely drank in public and LOST- But I was not hilarious. 1 was seldom, I was convinced, appeared drunk in public. Surely what I did in drunk. Upright, smiling, and glassythe privacy of my own home was my ONE ANONYMITY eyed. As usual. My little express wagon, the only means of transport- own business. My husband, however, ing anything to our house, was filled did not share my views. He drank with groceries bought at the last mo- mildly, and often not at all, and he ment to prove what a good wife I could not understand why his baby was. had to have her bottle. Conscious of error, I mumbled Well, baby didn’t know why either. apologetically, “Oh, dear, the wagon’s But one thing we both knew was that already loaded!” our summers were becoming more unpleasant and more intolerable. In My husband glared, then cried in the next two years, I ceased meeting a ringing voice: “To hell with the the Friday-night boat. In fact, 1never wagon. You’re the one that’s loaded!” left the cottage if I could help it. The There was a lull. Someone laughed. week ends were nightmares of at- Then the babble resumed and I slunk tempted control over drinking. 1 tried through the crowd, dragging the to hide the extent of it, but it was difwagon behind me, sure that everyone ficult when I almost drowned during was watching. By concentrating on some drunken swimming episodes. the white line along the edge of the As the problem progressed, so did narrow plank walk, I managed to the guilt and remorse. 1 tried to stop The Post Ofice was communications negotiate the six blocks to the cot- drinking and could not. 1 was very tage. I often fell off the walks, par- much afraid now. Something I didn’t center in this little seaside resort, and the good ticularly at night. In the middle of a comprehend had hold of me and was folks there really carried conversation 1 would simply vanish running me. from sight and would have to be resthe message cued from the sand below. I consid- The last miserable summer of my ered this amusing and not at all ex- drinking, I heard rumors about a traordinary. Other drinkers did the woman who clerked at our one gensame thing. It was customary. Ex- eral store. Rumor had it that she was I

I A T six-thirty on Friday evening my husband arrived for the week end. During the hour-and-a-half trip laden with packages, mostly items I had requested, including five pounds of kidneys for the cats. pected. Just like getting a “little high” on week ends was customary, and expected. an alcoholic, that she had joined AA, and hadn’t had a drink for two years. Every time I entered the store I eyed from the city he’d been jammed verti- The ferryboat dock on the island, But my husband had ceased to her with curious fascination. She was cally into .a train bearing a thousand where he finally landed after cross- be amused by my antics, especially fairly young, attractive, pleasant. I other week-end commuters to the ing the bay from the mainland, was when he surveyed my deep purple wondered how she had known she beach. He was hot and tired. He was crowded. In fact it surged with wives,

was an alcoholic. And what was AA, was going to know it. I brought no anyhow? slogans to tack on my walls, my AA Then one day she was no longer books and the Serenity Prayer were ‘at the store. Someone, that morning, kept in a drawer, and my husband had found her fallen off a boardwalk, was sworn to silence. So far as I ‘flat oh her back in the sand, and knew, there were no other AA memdead-drunk. ‘ bers in our village; if there had been, One or two women seemed to feel I would have shunned them for fear sorry for her; the other residents they might disgrace my beloved AA. shrugged and implied “once a drunk, Because 1 did love it with all my always a drunk,” and what could heart, and so did my husband. I serenity. By then my love affair with you expect? wanted no one to cast aspersions on AA had settled down into a happy Tbe woman disappeared from the anything so great and so miraculous. marriage. In the early spring, I had village, but theie were other tales of It had saved my life, my sanity, my celebrated my first anniversary. Dur- ,other drunks who had “tried AA.” marriage; believe me, I was grateful. ing the winter in the city, I had The year before, a young couple had The problem of meetings was spoken at open meetings and led a rented a house for a month. They pleasantly solved. Only a few miles few closed meetings. I had served as were summer regulars and in former away, in another small community, an officer of my group, booked meetyears had opened and closed the bars. were some staunch AA members with ings, sponsored a few fledglings and But last year they not only arrived many years of solid sobriety. They had made many wonderful friends. cold sober, they had brought along held a closed meeting once a week at When it was time to move to the AA slogans which they had thumb- one of their homes and I talked to at beach, I left my address and phone The next day she dropped in for tacked to their walls. least one of them by phone every number with a few members. coffee. She told me she had informed Before ten days were up, both of day. I explained the reason for my all of the town’s bartenders that she them were drunk and back at the anonymity in my own community. 1 didn’t realize my error until an was in AA. She had also posted a bars. This year they hadn’t been seen They said it was up to me; none of afternoon in midJuly. On that sunny notice in the general store inviting at all. Similar tales were told over them would give me away. quiet afternoon, a strange woman any friends of Bill W. to visit her. She cocktails drunk by people who could Well, with various excuses for not knocked on my door. Someone in the had spotted two drunks the night be- “take it or leave it,” or hoped they drinking, I got through that first sum- city had directed her to me. She was fore and handed them AA pamphlets. could. The subject of AA was one mer. I had become allergic to alcohol, a new member of AA, spending her She was filled, I saw, with missionfor humor, o r scorn. I usually said, which was no lie. In vacation here. She was overjoyed to ary zeal. I was filled with misgivings. It didn’t occur to me, then, that fact, dining with friends one evehing find another member to talk to. What if she had a slip during her their reactions might be based on in one of the cafks, my host pro- I was delighted too. We had coffee, vacation? Wasn’t our town skeptical ignorance, o r that some may have claimed with great amusement that I we talked AA, and I explained that enough without more proof? been motivated by secret fear of their was a member of AA, and everyone no one in town knew I was a mem- However, my qualms seemed unown problems. laughed merrily. Big joke! ber. I told her of the meetings in the justified. A quiet week followed. The next town and invited her to go with new member and I had coffee nearly Therefore, the following summer, Come fall, I breathed a sigh of re- me. Really, I was quite pleased to every day. We attended one closed when I myself had become a member lief. I had weathered the summer meet her. I didn’t even mind her meeting together and planned to atof AA, I was grimly determined that with my anonymity intact. I looked using my phone to call her two spon- tend the next, which it was my turn no one, ever, in that beach town, forward to my second summer with I sors long distance. to lead.

engulfed me. She’d had no right to break my anonymity. It was against “That’s what I said. Will power.” sarily drinking ones. Many were all the precepts of AA. I let it lay. In my book he was no spiritually hungry, many were going I started saying the Serenity Prayer alcoholic and never had been. Just a through deep emotional crises. Many over and over and over. I knew I heavy drinker, scared into sobriety. aspects of our program appealed to couldn’t afford rage or resentment. ( I Returning to my own problem, I them: t h e Serenity P r a y e r , t h e . kept telling myself I couldn’t until a called my friend in the next village twenty-four hour living; the belief lot of the anger left me.) I knew I had and related my tragedy. She was sym- that change is possible. On the morning of the meeting, I to accept what I couldn’t change. I pathetic, but she said, “Try to look Former acquaintances became real made my daily trek to the post office had to! at it this way. Your broken ano- friends. I heard no more jokes about for the mail. The post office is small Just as I was feeling a little more nymity may be part of a pattern you AA, and I thought that at last they and it is always jammed to the doors calm, I heard the rattle and bump of don’t understand as yet. Have faith, were able to see for themselves that with women, children, men and ani- the gas tank delivery cart. I went out try to believe that only good will AA could, and did, work. mals. It smells of sea water, sun lo- on the porch to insure the new tank come of it.” Life was beautiful. I was so filled tion and wet dogs. was installed without squashing my with gratitude that all my days were I didn’t share her optimism, but a delight and I ran around like a com- My AA friend stood in the thick flowers and shrubs. the summer passed without further of the crowd. Behind a grilled win- When the operation ended success- bination Pollyanna and Dr. Freud. mention by anyone of the great dow the postmaster was unhurriedly fully, I turned to re-enter the house. post-office revelation. The anonymity sorting mail and depositing it in the The delivery man called after me, Toward the end of that summer, breaker returned sober to the city, our town acquired a badly needed boxes. Without any preliminary salu- “Sure was surprised to hear you usta for which I was thankful. (Of course tation my new friend called out be a drunk, Miz-. Used t’be a item: a plumber all our own. Water 1had threatened to strangle her if she pumps were forever going on the loudly: “You’re leading the AA drunk myself. I got in all kinds a lifted that first one in my town.) meeting. tonight, aren’t you? What trouble, so I just up and quit twenty blink, cesspools were forever overtime are we going to Blankville?” years ago, and I ain’t had a drink flowing, gasoline pumps refused to By the next summer, anonymity pump, drains clogged, and pipes “Seven,” I mumbled. No longer since. Didn’t go to no AA, neither. didn’t worry me much. I was think- sprang leaks. Until his advent, we’d caring if there was mail or not, I tried Will power. That’s what it takes.” ing more of others now. I felt ready had to depend on casual service from to escape. My exit was barred by one “Most people don’t have that much and willing to help anyone I could. the mainland, and so he was web huge dog, two fat women in shorts, will power,” I said, gritting my teeth. However, this didn’t include our seathe owner of the general store, and “Most people need help.” comed with open arms. the gas tank delivery man. sonal crop of drunks who expressed Shortly after his arrival, he paid “Maybe so, but that AA thing no desire, honest or otherwise, to stop “Mail’s ready,” announced the don’t seem to work so good. Drunks me a call. The gas man had sent him postmaster. In the general scramble, drinking. I knew enough to leave to me on the premise that two exstill get drunk. Around here, least- them alone. I didn’t run about re- I fled. On the way home I thought of wise.” drunks and AA members should get brilliant evasions I could have made. minding everyone that I was an AA together. The new man and I had “Alcoholism is a disease,” I stated member, but whenever the drink Such as, “Oh, the Art Association firmly. “Alcoholics are sick people. coffee and got acquainted. He was a meeting,” or perhaps, “the Animal question came up, I made no bones nice fellow, Tom. Obliging and Even doctors say it’s a disease.” about my status. Admirers’ Guild.” “Do, huh? Whyn’t they cure it, friendly. He’d been sober over two But I hadn’t, and everyone now then?” And very strange things began years and he loved AA. knew my secret. Of that I felt posi- “There isn’t any cure,” I said. “We happening. People I had known casu- We hit it off fine from the start. tive. stay sober by staying away from the ally now sought my company. They Whenever he had a spare minute, he Once home, anger and resentment first drink a day at a time.” let down their hair and discussed stopped by for coffee and AA talk. their problems with me, not neces- He had lost his family through drink

went around telling everyone how wonderful I was, and how he was going to make me proud of him. He was, in short, going to stay sober for me. This time his resolve held firm for two weeks. Then the phone calls ‘ started again. Tom had not shown up at all, drunk or sober. He’d been seen on the mainland, oiled to the eyebrows. b! 1 -rrrr A delegation of home owners and *bpt he was in hopes of them how many times I tried to explain At least every other day I had calls business people called on me. They back.. He felt sure that if he stayed that Tom had to “get sober for him- from distrait householders imply- offered to pay for hospital care if I sober and established himself in busi- self”; that he could not, or would not, ing that I, as a member of AA, should could get Tom into one. Through an ness, paid off .his creditors and be- unless and until he himself “wanted” know the whereabouts of Tom and AA contact on the mainland I got haved himself in general, his wife to be sober. should be able to hustle him over to word to Tom. He declined with would return to the family nest, bring- My own emotions were not always fix pumps, wells or pipes. drunken hauteur. He could sober up ing the offspring with her. Butiwhen the most charitable. Especially when By now I wished heartily that Tom alone; he didn’t need charity. the fall and winter came and this did my phone rang in the early morning would disappear for good, before he Then he dropped from sight altonot happen, Tom grew desperate. He before coffee and the conversation blackened forever the shining name gether. Reports filtered in that he had stayed sober for his family and went something like this: of AA and made it again a subject of was in jail, in jams; that he’d been they did not appreciate it. What was “Tom’s passed out on our living- derision in the village. rolled, beaten up. Occasionally I rethe use of trying to do better? Who room sofa; can you do anything?” From that thought the next one ceived unintelligible calls from bars cared? What difference did it,make? “Not much,” I’d say. “Can you let leaped out: “How can Tom do this and hotels. Tom’s voice. I always Tom stayed away from meetings him sleep it off?” 4 to me?” tried to find out where he was, and and early the next spring he got “We haven’t any water,” the voice That was the idiotic reaction which whenever possible I set mainland drunk. He telephoned me in the city would complain. “He took our pump finally woke me up. I realized I was members on his trail. Nothing did to tell me about it and to assure me apart before he passed out and I can’t feeling sorry for me, not for Tom. I any good and it was heartbreaking. he’d had his lesson, and was off the fix it.” had completely overlooked one of the stuff for good. Summer arrived, the “Some black coffee might help,” I first tenets of AA; that in trying to In the village, people seemed more beach town was again populated, and would suggest. help others we help ourselves. baffled than critical. Several asked Tom was trying to take care of every- ‘ “He’s dead to the world,” was the I was sober, wasn’t I? Having Tom me why AA was able to help some one’s plumbing problems-with a answer. “Found an empty fifth of gin around had certainly kept me re- and not others. I explained that a bottle in his lunch box. by his lunch box. You coming down minded of my own problem, hadn’t drunk is a sick person. He is ex- He avoided me and I didn’t pursue here?” it? Where was my love and compas- actly like any other sick person who him. I was sad, and mad; sorry, and “There’s nothing I can do till he sion for my fellow alcoholic? goes to a doctor for help, only in his . exasperated. People I knew and peo- wakes up,” I’d object. Ashamed of myself, I hunted up case AA happens to be the doctor. ple I did not know stopped me on R e “Well, I wish you’d come, anyhow. Tom and invited him for coffee, any- The doctor prescribes treatment, but street to ask why I couldn’t do some- My wife wants him off the sofa. We’re time, drunk or sober, no strings or no doctor goes with a patient to have thing for poor Tom. I lost count of expecting guests on the next boat.” lectures attached. Delighted, Tom the prescription filled, nor does he

follow the patient home to see that he help visiting members who were new takes his medicine. Any sick person and shaky and brought to my house wanting to get well must do as the for AA sharing. I have more real doctor suggests. In AA, those who friends than I ever had. I have get well are those who follow the entered into the life of the community doctor’s prescription. Those who re- and am doing my share of civic work. main ill, or keep having relapses, The “civilians” have accepted me, are those who do not, for one rea- and I have accepted them. I have son or another, follow the doctor’s learned to relate to the world around advice. me in a normal happy fashion. I meet Slowly, gradually, the attitude of the Friday-night boat with an unmost people seemed to change to- loaded wagon and a sober me. And ward the alcoholic and AA. Voices Tom? Well, he has been sober now were sympathetic, if still puzzled, for several twenty-four hours. He when they spoke of Tom. They re- seems to want to get well this time, ferred to him as being sick. They just for Tom, and I think he will. pulled for him to “get well.” I no longer regret the loss of my A lost anonymity is not very imown anonymity. Some good has come portant, after all. Not so long as we of it, and no bad. The village resi- have faith that our primary purpose dents know more about the alcoholic is to carry the message to the alcoand about AA than they might have holic who still suffers. known otherwise. I’ve been able to F C., New York City

I August 1961

THE ORGANIZATION DRUNK An executive-type career girl found even A A coj lmittee work no substitute for the h d i n g fellowship o f the group soever I left all my old circles-all what? I did stay sober! But-and my drinking buddies -and went here’s the big rub–I wasn’t happy. wholeheartedly into AA. This meant Oh, I enjoyed the verbal head pats A M an organizing drunk. Through- giving up professional ties (I’m a which I received because I was “do- I out my drinking days I was busy joining various groups, forming comcareer girl) that had seemed very important and vital to my “success.” ing a good job for intergroup” but the inner contentment was fast dismittees and having meetings. During This, I now know, was hogwash. I’m appearing. Self-centeredness began to the worst days of my drinking-the progressing in my career at this time creep back in, as did the desire to be last six months-I would pull myself on a much sounder basis than ever back in my old “glamorous” circles. out of an alcoholic stupor, powder before with, thank God, none of Fortunately, through my husmy nose, put on a fancy suit without the cancerous ambition, envy and band’s good words, I was able to see bathing and stagger off to “run the frustration which previously haunted the handwriting on the wall. When show” at an organization. Somehow me. my year as secretary was up, I re- I always wound up as secretary of The point of my story, however, fused a second term, although I hated groups composed largely of men who is this: After being sober about a giving up the “organization” life. were heavy boozers. I’m still not sure year, I once again became an organi- I’m back now with my meetings whether I joined to drink, or drank zation member. I was asked to be several times a week and talking to more because I had joined; but I secretary of newly-formed intergroup new members and the old jay is reeventually reached the bottom of my offices in my area. I was thrilled, turning. I mean, that feeling of real own particular hell after a suicide at- needless to say, and jumped into love for others and sheer happiness tempt, was referred to AA by my work in much the same fashion I had at being alive and sober and doing . family doctor and was fortunate in my drinking days. my best each day as it comes. enough to sober up immediately. Instead of attending AA meetings I’m an alcoholic doing first things (That was over two years ago.) regularly, I wrote minutes. Rather first. I need my meetings and direct I heard at meetings that AA was than Twelfth Step work with new contact with new members and olda way of life and it was obvious to me members, I addressed envelopes. I timers talking the AA language. All that in order to stay sober I would kept telling my new husband, an AA the “organization” work in the world, have to change my entire way of liv- member of long standing, that this be it AA or otherwise, cannot keep ing. I’m sure that at the time, I was was Twelfth Step work and that I me sober and happy. receiving guidance from a Higher was doing my share in AA and that V . B., Arlington, Va. Power because with no regret what- this would keep me sober. You know

August 1 9 6 1

night calls. My sister and I had been science, my common sense, my ex- DON’T LOSE EVERYTHING raised, clothed and educated well, so I knew one didn’t have to lose everyperiences with Dad. And I had to face the fact that if I continued drinkthing to be an alcoholic. There had ing, 1 would no longer always be able Y o u need not been no daytime drinking for him, or to control myself in public or in front for me, yet Dad was a very sick man of the children. After having one i f , like this young wife, when he went to AA, and in this Fel- blackout lasting a couple of hours, lowship he found the answer and re- while behaving normally in the comyou diagnose the disease in covered. My parents’ social life was pany of my in-laws, I surrendered its first stages reborn around AA, and I knew many and stopped drinking. of the wonderful, happy people in For six weeks I worried, read and their group. studied; and learned that knowledge When I began to get that gnawing alone is not enough. The phrase from B ECAUSE it Seems to be a rarity to hear a speaker discuss the early stages of the disease of alcoholism, I in my mind that 1 am an alcoholic, for I well remember what was going on deep down inside me. “There but idea that perhaps there was something wrong with the way I drank, I “Just One More,” about how to stop drinking “and to be happy about it,”. suggest that we who have been for the Grace of God go I” is very tried to learn more about this prob- haunted me. I had acknowledged the helped to recognize the symptoms real to me, and all the case histories lem. Of the books I read, one that fact that I was an alcoholic but I cerand to recover before losing our I hear can also be a part of my life, hit me forcibly was “Just One More,” tainly couldn’t happily adjust to life health, loved ones, and self-respect, if I take but one drink. by James Lamb Free. In it he ex- with this knowledge. Resentments speak up loud and strong. Early Actually, other people have done plained clearly the “Prodromal and self-pity were alive in me. I could symptoms have now been identified, much of my suffering for me, thus Stage,” and I was forced to recog- not accept the fact that I could drink and it is certainly easier on everyone enabling men through research, study nize the fact that 1 had all the symp- socially in public and yet drink alco- ‘if they can be recognized, and the and education, to arrive at symptoms toms. Blanks (I couldn’t remember holically in private. Finally, my husproblem faced squarely, at this stage which I was able to recognize in my- paying the baby sitter) and little band, patient and loving through it of the disease. Some of us hesitate self. One of those who affected my lapses I hadn’t at the time recog- all, said he could help me no more to speak at meetings because we don’t decision was my dad, who was an nized; depending on alcohol to do for and that I must talk to someone. have much of a case history, but I active alcoholic until he found AA. me what others did for themselves; Thus, I found AA through a young wonder if perhaps our cases may not Having actually lived “two sides of a relieving tensions for social ease; woman my father had helped ten be more important than we think, for coin,” I knew the tragedy of seeing erasing the blues; drinking alone and years before. She is now my sponsor they may help someone to reach a someone you love progress into alco- then being evasive about how many and friend, and has greatly helped decision and save years of unneces- holism, and I also saw the miracle of I had had, and constantly worrying me find my way. I hope in the past sary suffering. AA. There was never a doubt in my about what was happening to me. nine months I have grown a little in When drinking is so much a part mind that this sickness affected all There was a very fine defensive the AA program. I know I am finding of our normal social pattern and is members of the family. web around me concerning liquor, a peace of mind and an inner serenity so universally accepted, it is very A lot of other things were also and it seemed the only time my hus- for which I have searched. Within easy to excuse ourselves and ration- made clear, and came to the fore band and I argued was when liquor me there is sincere gratitude to the alize our actions, not realizing the when I needed them. If there were a was involved. Since we are very close, AA Fellowship, and a deep convicprogression that is taking place. I still “cure” for this disease, certainly Dad, and intensely dislike friction, this was tion that regardless of the stage of have not been able to identify with being a doctor, would have availed of very great concern to both of us. the illness, help and understanding any speaker-woman or otherwise- himself of it. He had never lost his It was, with me, very much what is available for all alcoholics who yet there is no question whatsoever practice, although he never took happened inside of me-my con- want it. M. A. E., Wyckofl,N.I .

August 1961 f’. A

and respect of the “hep” profession- The strands of steel mesh on the winals in my field and the heady bonus dows were thicker than the E string of personal popularity with the male on my bass fiddle, and, when plucked, sex. they emitted a flat, somber, depress- . Nightly I appeared in the spotlight ing tone. in an expensive, seductive gown, giv- It was here, however, that AA first ing out the beat to my combo, and ( I came to me, through meetings conwas sure) increasing the pulse of ducted by members who journeyed every male in the crowded night spot. to the hospital from surrounding To quote no less an authority than communities, sometimes as far as the “me” of those days, “Man, I was fifty miles. livin’!” These meetings were a great event. I had come a long way from the At the time; I had little appreciation gangling, mousey, adolescent girl who for their message that sobriety was rescnted playing second fiddle to her desirable and attainable. To me, the pretty sister. Just how literally, I meetings meant chiefly that I would wonder, did my subconscious take see people from “the outside.” that expression, “second fiddle”? For the instrument I chose was an un- When I was released from the hosusual one for a woman to play, and pital, I took home with me the rewould have insured me of attention sentment against the members of my even in a full symphony orchestra, family who had caused me to be let alone a trio. You see, I played a committed to the institution. It was, bass fiddle! however, a hidden resentment, and I played it through five marriages, for that reason all the more dangerall to musicians. And most of these ous. marriages ended, like the arrange- It disguised itself as compassion ments my combo played, when I gave for my mother’s grief over the death the cue for the finale. I was then the of my father. In my confused state I sole manager of my life. When the thought the only way Mom could be tempo became a little hard to main- happy was for me to kill her so she tain at times, I turned easily to liquor, could be with Dad. then later to benzedrine and mari- Fortunately, instead of carrying juana. out this growing impulse, I somehow That’s enough of my background, realized that I was trying to give my- I think, to give you some sort of pic- self a rational reason for a horrible ture of the woman who, after a series act. Whether my insight came from of shock treatments, found herself the psychiatric treatment at the hosconfined in a state mental hospital. pital, or from unconsciously absorbed Gone were the glamorous gowns, AA talks on resentments, I do not the applause and the male admirers. know. At any rate, I found the hon-

esty and courage to tell my mother forgive myself as I wanted God to I continued I would soon run across now, for I have seen His help in my what was happening. forgive me. another stumbling block and again be life and others. And when 1,lose my Once more I was committed to the Now, with two-and-a-half years of continuous sobriety, I still have in the depths of despair, unable to way, I’m confident now that He will state hospital, this time at my own cope with life. help me. request. trouble turning things over to my Higher Power. I catch myself taking Usually I would discover my mis- Surely I can accept goodness into Although confused, frightened and back all the shame and remorse of takes too late to do anything about my life. I have accepted so much disturbed, I was determined I would them. Self-pity would overtake me, win this fight. I took part in all the the past. This makes progress slow, ugliness that throwing out the bad is but my efforts to practice the AA and I’d cry and moan in my darkness. pleasurable. Perhaps I can learn to activities permitted me. I went with principles have gained me this boon. Yet without fail He has directed my evaluate open-mindedly my own virthe groups to entertain the patients My periods of depression, when they footsteps and led me on in spite of tues and worth. With God’s help, and in the other wards. I kept as busy as occur, are no longer accompanied by these dreary backslidings. the tools AA has given me to work possible and I was happy, because for the first time in my life I was doing the desire to take a drink. In time, perhaps, I can grow with, I have nothing to fear if I am My gratitude for my sobriety re- enough to live as He wants me to. I but willing to try. things for other people instead of for quires that I not stop here, but con- claim no ignorance of His existence V . G.,Van Nuys, California my own selfish gain. Many resentments kept cropping tinue my attempts to increase my up, but with the help of the AA peo- understanding of God as He may reple with whom I was now associating, veal Himself to me. I learned to recognize them and laugh When I first turned my thoughts to them off. God, I found my mind full of hazy conceptions, as meaningless as half- The lessons I learned in the hospi- remembered myths. My image of tal I tried to take with me when again God had no reality, even to me. So I I was “outside,” and back earning a had to search further. living in my profession, music. Wher- Everyone said, “You can see Him ever my work took me, I carried AA everywhere. Look around you!” I with me-so I thought. My first thought everyone knew something I period of sobriety lasted eight months didn’t. No one could tell me how I -the happiest eight months I can was missing the boat. The idea came remember. to me that perhaps I could ask Him When I fell off, it took a long time to show me. to forgive myself. But I finally took a I prayed that I’d find Him and look in the mirror and realized that eventually calm feelings came from I had to do it, that resenting myself some dim remembrance of the Scripwas as destructive as resenting others. ture “. . . I will fear no evil for Thou I have to remember, always, that art with me.” Gradually I became it took many years to get my life in aware of His presence in small things; the shape it was in. I can never regain oh, so small-the ability to find some of the good things I threw away, things, to thread a needle. These but in starting over I must start free were minor miracles to me, and the of useless remorse. I began to try to way would be clear for a time. But as

November 1 9 6 1

DRESSING FOR DINNER

ped it in a towel, crocked it (wasn’t and again. Then I drank it. I rememdoing so bad myself) and double- ber saying, “The quality of brandy is sealed it against temptation. After a not strained,” and giggling, thinking few nips out of the spare bottle, I what a pity no one was around to went to work. appreciate my wit. I made a big dishpan full of juicy Came the dismal dawn. It was dressing, laced with onions, celery, Thanksgiving. I was not thankful. I sage and gobs of melted butter. It was sick-very sick. Then there came was very, very moist. The more I an astonished, inquiring voice from stuffed, the more it took; the more the kitchen, “What in the world went it took, the more I made; and the on out here last night?” more I made, the more I stuffed. The I staggered out of bed, fearfully bird and I were getting stuffed and crept to the kitchen door and raised loaded at the same rate. Then the my bleary eyes in the direction of the dressing and the company liquor ran pointing finger. I beheld, there on the out. H o r r o r s t h e clock showed mid- ceiling, a perfect bas-relief map-a . night! The curse of all drinking alco- reasonable facsimile of the Swiss holics was upon me. Dry, and all the Alps-made of dressing. I’d forgotliquor stores were closed! ten to truss the neck of the turkey After long and thoughtful medita- before I stuffed it. Thanksgiving that tion (ten minutes) I figured there year was strictly for the birds. was nothing left to do but exhume I hope this Thanksgiving, by the the brandy-interred fruitcake. Thirst Grace of God and AA, to be sober outweighs sentiment every time. I and brandy free, and that “dressing broke the seals on the crock, care- for dinner” will never again be a fully unwrapped the fruitcake and hazard in my life. It won’t so long as squeezed the brandy through the I work the AA program to the best of towel into a bowl. I sopped out the my ability. crock and strained the cloth again M . I . U.,Fort Collins,Colorado

December 1961

At the moment of greatest bleakness I suddenly became aware of my surroundings, the charm of my room The Best of All My Gifts with its pleasant balance of “things” I loved, and all of them gifts from an AA friend or benefits of my AA life. I became aware of the garden J e s u s does n o t ask f o r great deeds blazing with fall colors outside my hut o n l y f o r self-surrender and gratitude. window and, lastly, I saw my own St. Therese of Lisieux hands steady and firm despite my inner rebellion and torment-powerful symbols of my AA life. Then, like a warm wave, my sense of gratitude RATITUDE, I have often heard, is I had been given, this one-the most could and did thank God and AA returned and I knew it was a tangible G the most important word in the precious of all-was the most illusive, AA lexicon. Without gratitude we the least understood and the easiest with a full acknowledgment of the thing as real and positive as the air part of both in all my affairs, but I around me and, like the clean air, its . cannot hope either to give or receive lost. no longer had to be grateful. I had healing power was so strong that my the healing love without which we Slowly over the years, as the worked my way out of that “humiliat- dark self vanished and I was once alcoholics cannot live. As a woman mosaic of my life was realigned into. ing” need. And so, blindly and pride- more in the light of sanity and balwho had lived a long time without a sane and healthy pattern, the qual- fully, I let the lovely flower, the ance. either, this fact was so evident in the ity and the quantity of my sense of brightest and best of all my gifts, Strange as it seems to me now, I early days of my AA indoctrination gratitude also subtly altered. Once wither and almost die. still, in spite of this visible evidence that I took its presence for granted acknowledged, it became as perfunc- Almost, but not quite. If there had of the grace of gratitude, missed the as just one of the many miraculous tory as the act of brushing my teeth, been no lingering fragrance left, no deeper message and meaning of this gifts I knew I had not earned. I as- until at last it was like a vermiform little remembrance of the warmth and experience. I was so relieved and joyjoy of my early gratitude, I think I ful to be restored again that I negwould not be writing these words. lected to examine the texture of the I would have been submerged under blessing. It was not until I was trying the black tide of fear and depression to explain to my son why a sense of that hit me once again. However, like gratitude was so vital that 1 came all perceptions gained in AA, clarity finally to understand it myself. He came at the time when the need was was rebelling against denial of a most urgent and the willingness to special but unnecessary privilege. I hear, therefore, most acute. First told him he had seriously failed in appendix, something a part of and came recognition of the healing gratitude for other privileges of this sumed also that, like these other power of gratitude. It was in a time kind, and that the withholding was glories, my gratitude had become a once vital to me but now useless and frequently troublesome. I was earn- of dark despair when all the wheels not a punishment but a reminder by permanent part of my equipment and of my life seemed to have ground to which I hoped he would learn some that, like breath, I would never lose ing my virtues and the graceful ata dismal stop and when my prayers of the benefits of being appreciative. it or fail to use it while I lived. I t tributes of my life. I had paid my for deliverance seemed hollow and I could see he was still baffled, hurt never occurred to me that of all gifts debts, both temporal and spiritual. I without hope. and angry and I knew this went below

the surface of the conflict. Then I cently heard of the answer given by heard myself saying, “You should a Zen master when asked if sending learn to be grateful, not for things or the students to beg in the streets was acts of kindness or special privileges, to teach them humility. “Oh, no,” he but for the love that animates each said, “it is to teach them the joy of attention, each one of these ‘things’ gratitude and to give pleasure to that you receive. You should realize, those who give.” that gratitude is not a servile but a I don’t suppose my son, at sevenjoyous feeling and that it recognizes teen, will retain the message it took that you are generously and greatly, me fifty years to get, but 1 believe I loved.” truly can and surely will. Then I told him a story I had re- R. T.,Chicago, Ill.

December 1961

hope and help, showed me that my they could help themselves, which is true happiness was in being of serv- what they really want to do. The ice to other people. Now, living this method known as Each One Teach sober life God had created for me, One was developed by an American and feeling a sense of obligation to missionary, Frank C. Laubach, in the Him, I longed to dedicate what was Phillipine Islands thirty years ago. It left of my life to the service of suffer- has been translated into 270 laning mankind. After all, wasn’t I liv- guages and used in 100 countries. ing on borrowed time? With this method, any older person Because I have suffered and failed, can learn to read and write in just a In gratitude for her and been an outcast, my heart is few weeks. Once able to read, he may tender towards the men and women learn the secrets of know-how that sobriety she is helping to bring of the world down at the very bottom will help him to have more food, betliteracy to millions rung of the ladder. They are the ter homes and a voice in public afilliterate and hungry outcasts of our fairs. This is his passion today. He twentieth-century society, half of the could then read the Bible, and find my social d r i n k i n g answer to me was many things. Prac- God’s will for his life; or if he was an W HEN changed to problem drinking, ticing First Things First, He sent me I struck my lowest note in the scale to Alcoholics Anonymous to learn world’s population. The eyes of my heart were opened to the misery of their daily lives, in which, from birth alcoholic he could read the Big Book and find his way to sobriety. of regret. My life became a turmoil how to live a sober and worth-while to death, they never have their fill of There is not a corner of the earth of broken hopes, broken dreams and life, encouraged by the love and un- food. Driven by this hunger, filled that is not begging for a literacy broken hearts. I was the disappointed derstanding of others who had suf- with the fears of evil spirits, op- specialist. I could read and I could and the disappointing; sick in body, fered the same as I. From AA I pressed by disease and the poverty of write and I had love in my heart, and mind and spirit. I became a failure, learned to give my will to God, with- their circumstances, these one bil- when I learned the few techniques total and complete. out reservation, each twenty-four lion, three hundred million human necessary to communicate the Each I walked many miles on the wind- hours granted to me. The Twelve beings cry for help. Their cry tore at One Teach One, there was no short- swept beaches, trying to sort out my Suggested Steps became my guide for my heart. Most of them live in the age of work for me. Demands grow thoughts and find myself. The sea living. Day by day I began to live a countries of Africa and Asia that all the time. My work is volunteer. birds and the fishes and the small sober, happy life. have recently gained their independ- How could these people reimburse creatures who live in the sands, all I found myself and my relation- ence. A country that has an illiterate me? I raise the funds for my travel seemed to have a plan for their life. ship to God when one of the older population of eighty-five to ninety expenses by speaking and writing, God had made them this way. Per- members of AA told me to read the per cent has a scant chance for seif- and from .gifts from friends who behaps He, too, had a plan for my life. Bible. From the pages of the New government. I must find a way to help lieve in this work. Anyway, God had Surely He had not made me just to Testament I came to know that Jesus them, I thought. told me, if I do His work for Him, He live this tortuous and useless exist- Christ was real; He was “God as I My opportunity for service came will supply all my needs. And He ence. Perhaps if I would ask Him, He understood Him.” In believing, I was with my introduction to a simple plan does. would show me the plan for my l i e born again; a most profound experi- to fight illiteracy. This is the absolute In the developing countries of and give me the wwer to live it. ence. He was what I had been search- First Things First-get them off the Africa and Asia, three-fourths of the ~adn’t He given the gulls the wings ing for in the bottle all these tragic bottom rung of the ladder. If these people are totally illiterate. Poverty, to fly? years. Twelfth Step work with other people could only read and write, hunger, disease and despair are In desperation, I asked Him. His alcoholics, taking the message of and had simple books to teach them, everywhere. Hopelessness and hate

are bound tight by the fears of ignor- In Africa I have trained more than ance and the oppression of this dark- 2,000 leaders from 200 different ness. These are the lands I have vis- tribes, working in co-operation with ited to organize literacy campaigns. all churches and foreign govern- My heart broke over what I saw of ments. I have traveled across the this suffering. heart of that great continent in my Using this Each One Teach One small car, alone. I have been chased method as a means of contact with by wild elephants, and have been in the people, to share the love God has the midst of terrorists and cannibals. given me, I have traveled many thou- In spite of all these dangers God’s sands’of miles around the world. protection has covered me every mo- ~crois the oceans and the seas I have ment, keeping me safe and sober. I gone, my heart swelling with joy over expect it will again on my next jourthe sincere gratitude shown for the ney beginning next month. hope and help I could offer. To the From the low note of regret to my refugee Bedouin tribes of the Arabian high note of exultation runs the scale desert; up the slopes of Mt. Kiliman- of deep gratitude that overflows onto jaro with the Wachagga tribesmen; the lives of all these people. To be into the equatorial Ituri forest to the used by God to sow seeds of love, pygmy villages of the Congo; in the and to “practice these principles in shadow of the Great Pyramid with all my affairs,” has brought a joy to the Egyptian peasant; sitting at night my heart that cannot be measured; in the light of a tiny oil lamp, cross- and the light of hope to their lives. legged on the floor with Indian Un- Thankfully I rejoice in sobriety touchables, I have become a friend. today, now my thoughts are for the I have made books in their languages souls of men. I’ve lost my life to find and trained their leaders in these it again; ever since, one day in a quiet techniques, so each one could teach place, I met the Master face to face. one, or ten, or ten hundred. L. M., Washington, D. C .

January 1 9 6 2

me. I began to feel, oh so slightly, spoken message straight to my sick that all these words might be charting spirit. The miracle unfolded, the seed a new world where I belonged, a had been planted at the beginners world where the inhabitants might meeting, the speakers were the witpossibly lead me out of the isolation ness and the proof, the truth and thc that had encompassed me for so long. path. Where they had gone so must I saw the first gentle .ray of hope. I go, so could I go by the Grace of Just as I was losing some of my whosoever had lead them to that platrigidity, some of my icy fear and form that night. tired confusion, one of the older Tonight all over the world my little members pointed at the Twelve Steps story is being repeated in thousands printed on a large poster hanging on of rooms. “Beginners” are receiving a screen at the front of the room. I those same intimations of hope, and had not even noticed it. He started those same firm suggestions. And I I to explain that these were the abso- have turned to the Twelve Steps . was the difference between life and death lutely vital Steps to total recovery, many times when asked to lead a and that without them we could not beginners meeting, and I have said first time, that alcoholism is a disease. survive. As he talked, my little light M Y first AA meeting .was, fortunately for me, a beginners I learned that it is a three-part dismeeting. I say “fortunately” because ease, and from the story of the leader began to fade, hope died and the old despair again engulfed me. He was many times, “These Steps are the vital elements in our recovery. Without them we cannot survive.” I have in this city where the AA population I recognized that I was sick not only talking about God. I heard no more also said many times, “Will those is constantly shifting and where meet- in mind and spirit but also in body. but when he finished I uttered a who care to, join me in c1osin.g in the ings are very large, the beginners I learned, too, that it was the first harsh, disappointed cry, “Do you usual way.” meeting is structured to cover those drink that mattered and I was given really believe all this stuff?” I was I have come to believe “all that primary lessons so necessary to the a few simple formulas for avoiding it. lost again, and the Lord’s Prayer at stuff,” and with that belief I have newcomer. I was told that fatigue, loneliness, the end of the meeting only increased acquired an unshakable conviction I came to it by one of those strange self-pity and resentments were dan- my darkness. that so long as I can join in “Our miracles I no longer call coincidence. gerous to living on the recommended Afterwards the speaker caught me Father who art in Heaven,” with the It was on a New Years Eve, and so, twenty-four-hour plan. I was told as I was hurrying away. “Wait,” he said, “many of us felt like you do at rest of the inhabitants of my world, symbolically, each new year since has how to cope with these dangers. As these simple explanations were our first meeting. Wait; come upstairs I will never be alone again. “All that had a very special meaning for me. It marked the start of a beginning unfolded to me, and as the questions to the open meeting.” And at the stuff” has given me not only life and more purposeful than any I could of the new members and answers of open meeting upstairs I heard three light, but health and sanity and love. have imagined on that cold, snowy the chairman and the older AAs be- stories. None paralleled mine objec- January is a lovely month. night seven years ago. gan to penetrate my frozen fog, a tively, yet all sent a subjective un- H . W . , Pleasanlville, N . Y . I learned at this meeting, for the queer, light feeling took possession of

January 1 9 6 2

feel the same way. husband that she had tried to per- We read the pamphlets. We bought suade her husband to take her back, the books and read them. We kept and he had refused. going to meetings, and we met But Laurie talked less and less people. Being married, and desiring about the program, and more and to remain so, I concentrated on learn- more about her great love for Joe. ing my ABCs from the women, but Then came the quarrel. After that Laurie gravitated toward the men. came tears and hysterics, the frantic This seemed natural enough to me. making-up, then more quarrels. She was lonely and she was free. She didn’t want advice, she wanted However, there were murmurs sympathy; but I suggested that she Sometimes Cupid’s darts from a couple of the women who stay away from Joe for a while and hit the wrong mark were giving me a helping hand – concentrate on AA. After that, I mutters about “emotional involve- didn’t see her or hear from her for a ment” and how it could be a stum- few weeks. Finally, she turned up at a bling block to sobriety. “Romance is meeting with a black eye and a swollen

“I. F L~URlEjustwouldn’t drink,” said her friends, including me. Anyone could see that Laurie back. I said 1 didn’t know; I was busy trying to hold on to my own husband. After some verbal sparring for the one word for it,” said one of my counselors. “There are others.” “What’s suddenly so wrong with jaw. She and Joe had gone on a binge together. He had turned out to be a rough customer, she complained – a and drink didn’t mix. After that right opening, I told her I seemed to romance?” I wanted to know. real nasty drunk. second or third martini, Laurie be having a problem with alcohol, “It can be dynamite for the new It was the end of the romance, turned into a Miss Hyde. Whether and my doctor (and my husband) person,” I was told. “Emotional up- needless to say. But from then on, she was at a cocktail party, at a wanted me to try AA. sets. Rejections, maybe. Resent- Laurie was unable to maintain any restaurant, or at home, she informed I could almost hear the stunned ments. Slips.” length of sobriety. She kept grabbing all within cannon shot of her hus- silence at the other end. Then: “But Discreetly, I tried to convey this at this man and that, hoping each one band’s shortcomings, many of them you never drank much.” definition and the admonition to would make her both happy and intimate. At the finish of this recital, “Oh yes, I did,” I said. “I sneaked Laurie. “Oh, pooh,” she said. “I sober. None of them did. she would darkly hint at Reno. it.” know better than to get involved. I Laurie packed up and left town. I Sober, Laurie was a good kid. She Another long silence. Then: “I simply enjoy talking to men, that’s had brief notes from her now and was attractive, intelligent, and warm- used to sneak it, too. I wonder – all.” then as she moved restlessly from one . hearted. But she seemed to be sober would you mind if I went to AA with Nevertheless, it wasn’t long before city to another. She had given up AA, less and less. Finally, she threatened you?” Laurie was going to meetings with she wrote. She was trying religion, Reno once too often, and her hus- “Swell,” 1 said. “I hate the idea of one particular man. Then, they began health diets, Yoga. band bought her a one-way ticket. going alone, and there’s a meeting to date steadily. He seemed a nice I don’t know what she’s trying Three months later, Laurie turned tomorrow night in our neighbor- enough fellow, good-looking, well- nowadays. She never writes anymore. up again. She phoned. She said it was hood.” dressed, around her age. He had been Since Laurie, I have seen the same marvelous to be free and she had a So it was that Laurie and I came to sober for a year in AA, and to me that mistake occasionally repeated by wonderful new job in view. A week AA together. After our first meeting, meant he was as solid as Gibraltar. other women with other men: too , later, she phoned again. The job had I knew 1had come to the right place. 1 Surely, 1 thought, he would be good much, too soon; misdirected emofallen through, and she wondered if I wanted what they offered, and I for Laurie ‘- for her morale, any- tional drive. Most times, it just thought her husband might take her wanted it badly. Laurie seemed to how, because 1 had learned from my doesn’t work out. We are sick fe-

males when we arrive in AA – sick lives and correct all of their faults in a emotionally as well as physically, few weeks? They can’t – of course mentally, and spiritually. Most of us they can’t – but they can begin, and have little, if any, good judgment that’s all they are asked to do. left, and even less sound reason. When I first came to AA, I heard Now, anybody knows that when an older member state the things that doctors discover that their patients AA was not. It wasn’t a loan agency; have tuberculosis or diabetes, they it wasn’t a lonely-hearts club nor an seek to bring the disease under con- employment bureau. Yet there are trol; and until it is under control, the many newcomers who are desperate patients are under daily supervision for money, romance, jobs. And for and must follow the doctors’ orders. many the greatest need, beyond the “First Things First” means arresting urgent need to get sober and stay that the illness, before a patient under- way, is love. Many of us have not takes anything else. known love for a very long time. It seems to me that the same proce- Many want it but have not the slightdure applies to new “patients” in est idea how to give it. AA. It requires time, effort, patience, In my own h s e , most of the trouto bring our disease under control. It ble in my llfe stemmed from one takes time until we can safely pick up source: my self-centeredness. In AA, the.threads of “normal” living. As I I have found I am not unique. We all see it, the trouble stems from the fact suffer from this defect, in a greater or that we recover physically long before lesser degree. T o my way of thinking, we recover emotionally. This physical self-centeredness can foul up any recovery fools us. Because we feel relationship, and particularly a love better, look better, we begin looking relationship. We have to grow to the around for rewards for all our hard point where we consider the other work. person’s good, the other person’s This is the time to watch out for needs. So let’s try to be patient; let’s trouble, the time to remember that go after sobriety and let love find us attractive covers can conceal a gar- in its own time, when we are ready to bled and only half-written book. It give and receive it. has to be rewritten many times before There are a lot of happy endings in it is finished. A writer will often AA. Many members find love, marry discard most of his or her material each other, live contented lives. For and start fresh. Even then, it will not my own definition of love, I like the be perfect; it will be merely a step- one offered by a psychiatrist, Dr. pingstone of experience toward writ- Erich Fromm: “Love is the active ing another and better book. So why concern for the welfare and growth should sick, confused human beings of that which is loved. . . .” think they can rewrite their whole F. c.

January 1 9 6 2

TOPER’S TALE

The Case of the Lady Ssrgeant

A JEEP smash-up in Germany toward the end of World War I1 found me in a very unladylike posistate of heroic stoicism all the way home. What nobody knew was that the stoicism was actually ossificadoctor in charge seemed a warm, human type, so I challenged him: “Colonel, are you a drinking man?” That lovely sheer linen settled down gently, and there on my stomach was clearly outlined the shape of tion: I was trussed up in a cast, rigid tion. He looked surprised, but answered what couldn’t possibly be anything from toes to armpits, in a kind of However, tragedy struck when we like a gentleman. “On occasion,” he but a whiskey bottle. stiff, strapless V-neck gown. landed at San Francisco. They said, with a puzzled smile. But I The doc was fast. He whisked his By the time they were ready to dragged me out feet first this time, couldn’t go on; the moment had hand under the sheet, grabbed the ship me back to the States, I had de- not head first as before. As I rolled come for the cast to be removed. The jug and shoved it into a bedside tavised a way of hiding a pint bottle down the ramp I realized, with a lit- top half was sawed off, and as a chip- ble drawer. And before he left, he right where I could get at it, but erally sinking feeling, that the bottle per nurse threw a sheet over me just carefully moved that table so that it where no one else could. It was had slithered down my casing, to rest as the lower half of the cast was lifted was within easy reach of my hand. where movie stars used to hide love gently on my ungetattable navel. away, she cooed, “I bet it will seem Now I wonder. How did he know letters, close to what is frequently For weeks, as I lay in the hospital, good to feel something soft on your what to do? referred to as the bosom. I tried to haul that pint back where I tummy again.” K. P., Greenwich Village, N . Y . Thank heaven, there were many could get at it, but nothing worked. stopovers on the return flight and I’d No amount of wriggling, not even been in G I hospitals long enough to reaching with a wire coat hanger, was know that a lady sergeant could al- of any use. ways get a refill from a sympathetic Eventually the day came when I pal. As a result, I kept myself in a was to be unveiled, so to speak. The

February 1962

have been given through the AA pro- Benjamin Franklin. He had to seek hard to keep an open mind. I was I A M not fond of formal prayers. As a child I was made to pray and only ablc to do so in a negative way, made to listen to endless prayers. As by reasoning that, after all, what did gram. Before making decisions or trying to help someone, I ask quietly for guidance. Sometimes I merely disand find his own spiritual path, his own abiding faith. I feel sure he would have loved our AA program I grew older I was prayed over, end- I have to lose? Yet it came about, and our Twelve Steps. In fact, in a cuss things on my mind and heart as lessly, until finally I rebelled at all through willingness to try, that I little prayer he wrote for himself to I would discuss them with a trusted praying and would have none of it. found a faith that works for me. My say, he seems to embody some of our friend. I feel His help is as close to Years later, coming into AA, I was Higher Power, as I understand Him, philosophy: appalled by the “Our Father” at the is quite unlike the tyrannical nemesis me as my next breath. conclusion of meetings and even eyed of my childhood, spying on me con- I have come to treasure the Serenity Prayer. I enjoy the spiritual com- “O Powerful Goodners! Bountifd with suspicion the “Serenity Prayer.” stantly, and frowning upon all pleasmunication of saying “Our Father” Father! Mercifirl Guide! Increase in Needless to say, I balked, but good, ure. My Higher Power has a sense among a group of other AAs. The tne that wisdom which discovers m y at the word God in the Twelve Steps. of humor, He has tolerance, He has word God no longer disturbs me, for truest interest. Strengthen m y resolic- Just the same, because I realized great understanding and compassion. tions to perform what ‘that wisdom dimly the importance of the Steps, I In times of great stress I have called it is only a universal name for my Higher Power, as 1 understand Him. dictates. Accept m y kind offices to grabbed onto the qualifying “as you out to Him and He has answered It has helped me to know that thy other children as the only retirrn understand Him.” instantly, bestowing the strength and in tny po,olverforthy c o n t i t ~ ~ d f a v o i ~ However, since I felt I did not the insight needed to cope. many great men and great leaders have also had their troubles with t o me.” understand Him at all, I had no no- Most days my prayers consist of formal prayer. One comes to mind: F . C., Manhattan, N . Y tion of how to deal with Him. It was simple “Thank Yous” for all that I

I February 1 9 6 2

*

a couple of soft drinks-in return but I just couldn’t take the food out of all the people to get the for their value in empty bottles. It of niy trusting little dog’s mouth, was one of my cconomic depression could I? So 1 suffered along, sacrific- A A break. . . periods, and with two colas, I could ing myself bravely, eking out a noble make my partly-filled bottle of run1 existence making half a bottle of rum last considerably longer. spin out for God knew how long. I well remember the old lady who One particular day was slightly

WHY kept this dark, earth-floored bodega: she had far more dignity and security than la Darna Blanca, Dona Lilia as she called me. I wonder now, which different. I suddenly was hit by a noble ambition. I’d show “them.” I’d be a real English lady, alone in the tropics, deserted by all, except “front” of mine she was most accus- her inherent breeding. I’d make a

ME? tomed to: my condescending “patron” or the creeping, whining “fricnd,” when I had to bum a botpot of tea! And I’d recline gracefully, and elegantly sip this almost forgotten brew. tle of rum and a few cigarettes. But always, whatever my attitude, I T was the usual sticky, sweltering morning in a little oil-boom town called Puerto la Cruz, in eastern she treated me with quiet compassion and-was it pity? How I hated Venezuela. her for her pity! 1 demanded respect, By midday, also as usual, 1 was admiration or devotion, but took pooped, although 1 don’t recall hav- anything she was prepared to give, ing done anything more strenuous so long as my run1 and cigarettes went than a desultory “once over” of my with it. small apartment, which I shared only Meals? I never bothered to cook with a small dog, Blondie, and a host meals. My stomach was revolted by of unattainable ghosts, bitter resent- the very word “food.” At the bars ments and hopeless despair. and shabby old Hotel Polo Norte, During the morning, 1had dragged where we had once spent freely, myself down the outside staircase. friends often slipped me a bundle of crossed the deeply rutted dirt road “scraps for Blondie.” They were usuallv half a chicken. or a nice steak,

I carried the idea out, too-as far tacular but unsuccessful suicide at- shipped out in a straight-jacket. a stern “none of your business, Lil; as having a shower, slipping on a tempts. In that awful morass of self Finally it came to me: these unhappy you get on with the job of living AA treasured yellow silk robe, and car- pity in which I then wallowed, how souls were the more intellectual types, in all your affairs, and never mind rying the tea tray carefully to my could I realize that I’d been saved, who had to have an answer to all ‘why’ anything.” bedside table. for His Divine Will and Purpose? 1 ‘ their “whys.” So I use the “Keep it How beautifully easy and natural I was enchanted with myself: how After I had been in AA a few Simple Plan.” When I pray now for is the AA way of life, if we can truly elegant and ladylike I really am, I months, I used to recall these I sobriety each day, I pray for that spe- keep it simple. And how easy, and thought as I languidly lit the last of thoughts, and shudder and implore cial brand of sobriety which grows natural, to believe that other dear my bummed cheap black cigarettes. God to forgive me. I don’t now. I on AA members who practice the promise: “Blessed are the meek, for That’s as far as the elegance went! know that those sins were forgiven Twelve Steps in “all our affairs.” they shall inherit the earth.” For Dona Lilia passed out cold! I didn’t me-perhaps almost before I’d com- I pray for mental, physical and spir- surely, we who had lost so much, even hear the gong. mitted them. And I think of those itual sobriety. If a “why” pops into have inherited the earth. To this day, I can’t remember dear words of Christ as he suffered my head, it’s quickly tossed out with L. H., Internationalist whose frantic hands rolled me off on the cross: “Father forgive them that bed, whose alarmed voice it was, for they know not what they do.” scolding and yelling at me and who This particular incident was about emptied the untouchcd pot of tca four ycars before my life was, in an over the smouldering ruins of my instant, and again by Divine Provibed. dence, transformed from dark, noi- Nor can I understand why that some hopelessness, to bright scrcncigarette smoldered through the bed- ity-the day 1 picked up the phonc cover, the sheets, the mattress cover, and callcd for the help of AA. my precious robe, atc away the flock Even after having been lifted up surrounding the springs, and lowered so miraculously from this living my body gently onto the hot steel of death, I had periodic “slips” for althe inner springs, without bursting most two years, from the path so into flames! clearly and beautifully defined by the For many months I carried the AA way of life. brand of the Double Spring; otherwise, I might have convinced myself that this was just another regular nightmare. And what a penance it was, patiently replacing the burned-out back of my robe, with a six-inch band cut True sobriety finally dawned for from the hem. As I stitched and wept me when the import of those wise over this, a terrifying thought grew and wonderful words “Keep it Simwithin me, and soon obsessed me. ple” soaked into my wondering Even God didn’t want me. He didn’t brain. “Why should 1 be saved?” I want me, alive or dead! This I al- used to ask myself, when one of my ways thought after each of my spec- besotted acquaintances died, or was

March 1 9 6 2

“Mynameis.. .” personally. He told me not to worry, husband, about the children, our fithat he would send help. Ten min- nancial situation and all the disasters utes later the phone rang. A man’s of my spoiled life. Then I suddenly voice said: “I am Bert G. from AA. felt the need to learn more about Could I come and have a talk with AA and I read all the booklets your husband?” And he came. again. I found myself answering the ELEANOR One of the first things he said to me when he saw me lying in my bed twenty questions and I was startled when the result was five “yes” and was: “You called us for your hus- two “doubtful.” How could this be? the case of the Parisian housewife band, but I guess you didn’t catch I never had any trouble, no blackyour jaundice by chasing butterflies outs, not even a real drunkenness. I either!” I just laughed it off and re- never caused any prejudice to anyplied that I had no problem with al- body, nor did I lose my self-control. name is Eleanor and I am A few days later I left Paris with the M Y French. My home is Paris, I have an alcoholic husband and three children for a three-week holiday in Switzerland. Before leaving, I gave cohol except my husband’s drinking. Then they both went into the other room and talked for hours. My hus- I always knew how much I had been drinking even when I was tight. I was absolutely sure that I was not an children. During the last ten years I the letter and AA literature to my band had not had a drink that day alcoholic. have been nagging, yelling, exasper- husband, asking him to read it while and after Bert had left he was aw- But why did I become more and ating him day after day. I was the I was away. fully shaky and his face was grey and more concerned with this thought? most unfortunate, the most unhappy As soon as I arrived in Switzer- wet with perspiration. That night he Why did I suddenly remember the wife on the earth. Everybody pitied land, I had to be taken to a hospital had two horrible alcoholic convul- spells of several months or years me, family, friends, strangers. My with infectious hepatitis and I could sions. The doctor I called, said that when I had been drinking brandy at nerves and my health went to pieces only be taken home after six weeks. he must be taken to the hospital im- 10 o’clock in the morning? Why did and all the doctors and psychiatrists There I found my husband in a worse mediately. It was 11 o’clock at night it occur to me that my anxiety, nervtold me exactly what I wanted to condition than ever. I could not even and I knew nobody who could take ousness and other troubles might hear: that all my troubles came from talk with him as he was never sober. him. I remembered that Bert had after all come from my own drinkwhat I had to go through with my I did ask him once what he thought told us that there was an AA meet- ing and not solely from my hushusband. of AA. The answer was: “They are ing that night at the American band’s? Was it really true that I only Last year, the first article about a bunch of idiots.” My health did Church of Paris; I found the phone drank with him, to prevent him from AA by Joseph Kessel was published not improve, I was so weak that I number of the Church in the direc- drinking alone? Wasn’t this one of in the French newspaper France could not get out of my bed any more. tory and called there. Bert was still the thousand excuses alcoholics use Soir. I wrote immediately to the Two weeks after my return from the there and a few minutes later he ar- for their own justification? Where newspaper office and my letter was Swiss hospital, my husband came rived with another AA, named Mac. did all the nervous sweat come from forwarded to the AA group of Paris. home one night sodden drunk, he They took my still unconscious hus- when I had to drive? The horrible A couple of days later a wonderful had lost his job again. band to the hospital. awakenings in the morning, the conanswer, full of understanding and The next morning I talked with A few days later, after I had my stant strain I was living in, could hope, arrived together with some him and he finally agreed that AA husband transferred to a private nurs- this have something to do with drinkpamphlets in French about AA. This might be the right thing. H e gave me ing home, I had a very serious re- ing? These thoughts troubled me seletter, signed Nick H., was, I thought, the permission to call the phone num- lapse of the hepatitis. I was strug- cretly for weeks and weeks. My the first glimpse of better days to ber on Nick H.’s letter and to ask gling between life and death during health improved slowly and the doccome. I read all the booklets at once. for help. Nick answered the phone several weeks, worrying about my tor told me to drink a little red wine

with my meals. But there was some meetings as a non-alcoholic. Then it kind of an alarm bell ringing DON’T! had to burst out and without being And I didn’t. I had not had a drop of prepared, I made a public confession. alcohol for five months, during all Since that night I have devoted every the time I was ill, so once I recov- free minute .of my life to AA, which ered I had to go on staying sober to is not so easy, as my husband and I find out whether I needed alcohol or are on a second honeymoon and not. rather busy rebuilding our spiritual Then came the day when both of and material life. us, my husband and I could return We are now advancing hand in home again. He was still shaky from hand, and step by step, on a wonthe detoxication treatment, but that derful road, full of sunshine and hapvery night he went to his first AA piness, helping each other from meeting. A month later I went with stumbling, living twenty-four hours him to attend a meeting as a non- at a time, trying to be honest and alcoholic. But after two months of admit our defects. And I don’t bemeetings, it suddenly struck me like lieve that there is anything in the lightning that I had never been able world that could knock us down, to manage my life. My greater since we have turned the care of our Power was only myself and now I will and our lives to God. was cheating AA by attending the E. S., Paris, France

April 1962

Since I no longer have the faintest AA meeting or talked to an AA compulsion to match stories with friend for some four years. Technianyone, I have had some second cally I had amassed thirteen years of I WAS TOO thoughts about this “out” I gave my- sobriety. self. Somewhere in the AA literature But what did I have to show for I read recently that effective Twelfth it? Superficially: scars. I had in- YOUNG Step work of any kind is one of the curred defeat in every department of gauges we have of our spiritual de- my life. I had pursued and failed to velopment. I am inclined to accept achieve all the false prizes in the this. Child-like Faith is a pretty book, and a couple of the real ones, fully to grasp thing, and rare, and I am grateful and in the course of pushing myself that I had it, but it wants a bit of toward goals I did not attain-and the Program. Then, after 13 years o f reinforcing as time bumps along and collapsing when I didn’t-I had the road gets a little rougher. broken my health mentally and, to sobriety, there came a 12th Step call Perhaps partly as a consequence some extent, physically. of a lack of this particular kind of This “breakdown” occurred about growth, and because two of my a year and a half before I returned

w HAT I have been taught by life it (on my good days I am awed of grief and loss, and even the still). It was easy for me to turn over experience of guilt, has come to me my will, which had proved nonclosest friends in the Fellowship de- to the program and it is not what cided it was not for them, I drifted brought me back. In fact, I made no away. It was an unpremeditated, connection between my sick tensions not as a by-product of drinking but existent, to a power greater than my- gradual separation. My rcasons for and the lack of AA in my life. I did as part of being sober; not in the self which had worked, in one day, sticking around and going to any one conclude, howcvcr, that eight years years that came before AA but in a wonder I had not been able to ac- particular meeting seemed to have of a supposedly terminated analysis the years after I joined it. This is not complish by myself in one year. evaporated; I had done my stints as had gone a little wide of the mark. how the story is supposed to go, but It was a joy to me to listen t@ secretary of one group and treasurer The psychiatric authorities to whom it’s my story and that’s how it went. stories of recovery told by people of another. Drinking no longer both- I repaired rather indignantly with In part, this was a result of timing. with eight, ten and fifteen years of ered me; I found there was plenty of news of this failure, declined to enter My actual career as an active alco- sobriety, for this gave me courage fun to be had in the world without into the guilt for it with me. .And I holic was over almost before it be- and hope that my recovery would a glass in my hand. I was starting to declined t o e n t e r i n t o f u r t h e r gan, and certainly before I had a last too. But when it came time to work very hard in my profession, therapy. I just stopped believing in chance to find out much about the give away what had been given to which is writing. And I was going it. (For me.) rest of living. I started drinking at me, I ran into a snag. I felt inade- to an analyst five times a week to This left me in the unenviable but sixteen, was drinking alcoholically quate when it came to carrying the straighten out my personality diffi- interesting position of being slightly by the time I was nineteen, and threw message and twelfth-stepping strang- culties. Loyalty-as childlike as my nutty, knowing it, showing it and dein the towel three years later at my ers. I put this down to the fact that Faith-would have forbade me say- ciding to let the condition heal itself. first AA meeting. In the course of I was so young (it was not as usual ing so, but I really think I felt I had Insofar as physical health is conthat meeting and the many that fol- then as it is now); and to the fact outgrown the need for AA. cerned the decision was hazardous. lowed, I was relieved entirely of the that the high bottom nature of my At any rate, when I came back to. But perhaps it is questionable what compulsion to drink. drinking made it impossible for me the last fall after my long mere physical doctoring could have Relief from this obsession seemed to match stories with the people I was absence which surprisingly did not accomplished at that point without a miracle to me and I was awed by trying to help. include a slip, I had not been to an some psychic and emotional change.

In an attempt to grasp at reality are calamities which come under the have described? And once I wanted ing health-mental and physicalin some form, I took the first job that head of natural disaster. Such a it, what defense was there left against restored order, even productivity in came my way. It was like trying to calamity overcame a very dear fiiend that first drink? By my own admis- work, although in coming off cloud drive a car with several teeth missing of mine in the form of a sudden fatal sion, I had no defenses. seven as in coming off a drunk, these from the gears. It left me open to illness. Seeing the life of a loved one Except that once upon a time I are the first indications of progress, rejection by the people who had cut short shocked me into re-evaluat- had been taught these words and and welcome ones. I am referring to hired me. And this occurred. It was ing my own. Just being alive became made them my own: “We admitted inner events which are affirmative: an experience without satisfaction of important. I began to pray again and we were powerless over alcohol . . . the identifying and relinquishing of any kind and the reality I sought to to think in terms of the survival of that our lives had become unmanage- attitudes which block growth, and embrace receded farther away. the spirit rather than the revival of able. Came to believe that a Power which match all outward progress , In some desperation I rented an the ego. If I still did not seek mean- greater than ourselves could restore with mounting inner strain. office away from my apartment in ingful human help of the kind that us to sanity. Made a decision to turn In my case the most hurtful and order to try to get myself on a day- was needed, at least I became ready our will and our lives over to the insistent of these was the pursuit of time schedule instead of missing for it. And then help came. Someone care of God as we understood Him.” happiness as a goal in itself, an inevery third night’s sleep which had I knew socially turned out to be wor- I think that this admission, this be- sistence upon personal happiness as I become almost a habit. I tried to go ried about a drinking problem, lief and this decision survived in my if it were my due. By attempting to back to writing for myself, some- wanted AA and called me. heart-part of AA that I did not let go of this last obsession I have at thing I had avoided. All that I man- I have come to look on this as one know was there, a bond that was last been introduced to the experiaged were scraps of things-an occa- of those AA miracles you read and felt but not understood which kept ence of trying to live my life on a sional poem, notes for longer work. hear about. Apparently there had to me safe. And that by ignoring or twenty-four-hour-a-day basis, an ex- This was a sort of faltering first step be a drinking problem somewhere simply not comprehending the other perience which has brought me a in the direction of re-establishing on the horizon to get me to an AA nine Steps of our program I fell into very new peace of mind. Who is to identity, if not contact, with the out- meeting. Surely it is the Grace of error and paid a certain price. say that this is not the beginning of side world. God that it was not a drinking prob- But affirtnative events of the past happiness? It feels like being happy, At this point the outside world lem of my own. What else could pos- year have convinced me that al- lately, much of the time. Sometimes contacted me with a vengeance. All slbly explain my not wanting to take though “cafeteria style” selection by giving up the dream we make our woes are not self-induced; there a drink under the circumstances I among the Twelve Suggested Steps room for the reality. And I have had works for sobering up, to remain enough of phantasy to last me for a truly sober I must try for the whole lifetime. program. I cannot possibly make it. I think it is only the most elemen- But my deepest need is to try. And, tary justice that this surrender was this above all, regular attendance at not without pain, this relicf did not the meeting of my choice is the rock come overnight, and this change, on which I stand. most devoutly to be wished, could By “affirmative events of the past not be observed in the twinkling of year” I am not referring only to the an eye. outward signs of life such as return- E. M . V., Manhattan, N . Y .

April f.’

An alcoholic appears capable of making. Of course we can help it emotional extremes ranging from along by skipping lunch, rushing at feelings of unbounded elation to a double-time pace all day long, and depths of dark despair. As an im- engaging in the doubtful luxury of perfect but perhaps helpful analogy, such emotions as anger and worry. we might compare the personality of I learned that, in my own case, I an alcoholic with a weather map. A was more apt to become irritable and dry drunk is an emotional storm. confused toward the end of the work Ever been on The emotions of an alcoholic can fluctuate much in the manner of week, when accumulated tensions and lack of rest were at their worst. weather fronts. Things looked darker on Friday than When all seems to be compara- they did on Monday morning. In

DRY DRUNK? tively well for the recovered alco- time, I was able to realize that the holic, his general feeling of well being things which seemed so important on is like a “high pressure” weather Friday were really minor, and that area. This is a large mass of cool, such an outlook was due mostly to dry air, usually accompanied by my failings and not to circumstances. clear, blue skies and lots of pleasant We all realize that there are ways FTER ten years of exposure to the sunshine. As long as we try to carry of modifying or preventing dry

CHECK LIST: A AA program, I still experience that periodic phenomenon referred the message to others, attend meetings regularly, and seek God’s guiddrunks. A dry drunk is basically an illustration that we have much progto as the “dry drunk.” T o my own ance every day, we are frequently ress to make in our application of the amazement and everlasting gratitude, gifted with a sunny, love-filled spirit AA program. the last seven of those years has been –our own inner high-pressure area. The antidote is contained in the ( 1 Self-Pity a period of uninterrupted sobriety. You know, of course, that the Twelve Steps. We should attend more This fortunate condition has cer- weather changes: day by day, little meetings; we should seek ways to tainly been brought about by a by little, the cool, stimulating air help other members-even a simple Power infinitely greater than my may be replaced with uncomfortable, telephone call to inquire about a fel- ( ) Sick Pride puny capabilities. I believe that the oppressive, moisture-laden air. There low member can shake us loose from times of the greatest danger of self- develops a turbulence and confusion our exaggerated self-concern. No one destruction during these years were in the atmosphere, similar to the tur- can express love and self-pity at the those when I, consciously o r other- bulence and confusion in the mental same moment; showing concern for ( ) Resentment wise, attempted egotistically to take atmosphere of an alcoholic on a dry others helps us to see how foolish we over the reins of my life and tried to emotional jag. have been, how we have literally exercise total control over my own This is why we are cautioned trapped ourselves in the familiar affairs. against fatigue. Take a particularly mental “squirrel cage.” ( ) Rudeness This usually resulted in a dry difficult day with a sufficient number When nothing else avails, we can drunk. What is a dry drunk? The fol- of negative events, mix in normal say, “Today I am sick.” Of course, lowine descri~tionis based on a per- amounts of twentieth-century stress, this does not mean physically sick, ( ) Criticism of Others sonal viewGint, but is also ;up- give this dose to a fatigued alcoholic but refers more to a spiritual disported by those ideas which I have and you have a nice dry drunk in the order-a separateness from God as heard expressed at many meetings.

we understand Him. During an emo- clearly where we were wrong. It helps tional bender, the admission that we to discuss these failures with other are powerless over our own rampant members, in order to crystalize our thoughts, and that our lives are even mistakes and prevent their recurmore unmanageable than usual, is an rence. A series of unexpected condiact which equates with Step One. tions may have helped to bring about I believe a dry drunk is a period our emotional upheaval; this does not of temporary insanity for the sober justify it, but only indicates that we alcoholic. Step Two says: “Came to are in definite need of further spirbelieve that a Power greater than itual development. ourselves could restore us to sanity.” Perhaps, in the last analysis, a dry A dry drunk is a self-imposed sepa- drunk it mostly a childish tantrum, ration from others and from God. We an interval of immaturity, a regrestry to run on our own current, like a sion to those frantic drinking days of battery without a generator, which self-will run riot. Nevertheless, it can soon runs down and becomes quite still be a perilous period for the aldead. coholic struggling for recovery. I Step Ten-the Step of continuing know that there have been dark days personal inventory-should certainly when a will infinitely greater than my be emphasized following a dry drunk. own has been responsible for my so- We should attempt, in a spirit of hu- briety. mility and deep reflection, to see M. E., Dayton, Ohio

May 1962

This American had her own supply! Twenty-four bottles of Cola tucked beneath her berth. At first I was apprehensive over the language barrier, but I put AA to work. How many times had I seen newcomers to AA so befogged and befuddled that one might as well have spoken Arabic to them; yet a smile often penetrated a mist too thick for mere words. I smiled at the little woman returning home after a brief visit with her daughter. She knew no English, but my smile-the Four Hours,” and every day I would smile I had learned in AA which hold a meeting with God, myself and offerslove, understanding and friendmy AA books. ship-worked wonders. Very soon For her it was My ship was small. There were we were friends. She would take my only four other passengers beside my- arm as we walked about the deck, self, and, with the exception of a and words weren’t necessary. young man who had spent several It was the same with the others. “Join a Group and See the World” years in the United States, I was the only English-speaking person AA had taught me how to give of myself, and I found it could be done aboard. Some of the ship’s officers without direct communication; a OR as long as I could remember, going to my destination were foreign, spoke a smattering of English but spiritual rather than a physical con- F traveling had always been one of my golden dreams. But the possibility with wine served as a matter of course at meals. Could I do it? I would be were unable to carry on a conversation, and I knew only a few words of tact which reached the heart rather than the mind. became more remote each time I at sea for one month, no AA contact their language. Each morning I read AA, asked polished off a fifth. Finally, I found and temptation thrust under my nose At lunch and dinner a large carafe my Higher Power to guide me AA. Then, after a time of sobriety, every day. of wine stood on each table. The through that day, then meditated. a chance came for me to go abroad I went to General Service in New ship’s steward also informed me that Surrounded by the blue sea, the into visit my sister. York and talked with the people he had an excellent supply of liquor finite sky and limitless horizon, I felt But there wcrc dangers involved. I there. I took a moral inventory. I to be had for money. I’m happy to very near to God. But the nights were would be going alone to a country looked deeply into my heart, my mind say I proved a great disappointment the most beautiful. I would stand at where there was no AA, I would be and my soul and found the answer to that steward. He had expected, the ship’s rail, watch the foaming 1 gone for several months and among to be “Yes, I could do it,” but only if I’m sure, to garner a few American white path broken by the ship, then people who drank wine in place of I thought AA and lived AA each dollars and I would notice him eyeing look up at the heavens, so brilliant water. Also, for economic reasons I twenty-four hours. I would take the me incredulously as if he was saying and sparkling that I felt I might reach would have to travel the cheapest Big Book, “Twelve Steps and Twelve to himself, “All Americans drink, up and pluck a star. During these way, by freighter, and the only ones Traditions” and my little “Twenty- don’t they? Especially when travel- times the wonder of AA, the miracle, ing. What is wrong with this one?” the transformation of a human life

from a drunken, useless sot to the primitive village with no piers for ing dark, and we were told we would “me” standing on a ship’s deck, alone ships, but several were riding at have to spend the night ashore. with my God and unafraid, became anchor a good distance from the There was no hotel, pension or overwhelming. Gratitude almost shore, and the only way to get to our any other decent place for me to stay choked me, and all 1 could say wits a ship was by hiring a fisherman to in. The two men could sleep in alwhispered “Thank you,” for the take us out in his boat. However, we most any place, but I couldn’t. What greatest blessing in my life. I knew, first decided to pay a visit to the air to do with me? Finally, we found a too, that I would never have appre- base located up the mountain where man who was able to help us. He ciated the beauty and magnitude of we spent the rest of the afternoon said that I, as an American, might was, I didn’t have it with me, the the world around me so much if I wandering around. Then, tired, hun- be allowed to stay at the air base, pass meant nothing, and I could be hadn’t first tloundcred around in the gry and footsore, we took a bus back and he would find some place in the put into jail at a moment’s notice. black depths of active alcoholism. down the mountain to the village village for my companions. By now He even gave me some rather vivid Now, cverything was enhanced, where, anchored far out, we saw our it was night, raining and I hadn’t details about the local hoosegow. By made clcarcr, more poignant by ship. eaten for hours. None of this both- the time he had finished, my mind contrast. Hut the weather had changed with- ered me-I was too frightened. was literally frozen with fear, unable Mill-way in our journey, wc ar- out warning, as it does in those Taxiing back to the base, I found to function, while the words “Interrived at sonic islands, whcrc I cx- islands. From a clear, calm day it the billeting officer, who looked at national Police” rang ominously in pcrienced a true test of how AA had suddenly become a boisterously me with a jaundiced eye, scanned my ears. At that moment I could see works in any kind of situation. It was windy one, with dark clouds swirling my pass and asked me if I had read no way out but to go to jail. The our tirst port-of-call after leaving over the now rough sea, which was both sides, I confessed I hadn’t. He officer curtly dismissed me, saying America, and there the ship unloaded covered with foaming whitecaps gave me a look of utter disgust, then one of his underlings would see what a minor cargo before going around whipped up by the almost gale-force read it to me in an icy voice. I had could be done after I went to the to the other side of the island to un- winds. We searched desperately; up done everything wrong. It stipulated police, then he stalked out of the load a larger one at an Army Air and down the waterfront, to find that I could go ashore only at the room. Force Base located there. The Eng- someone who would take us to the point the pass was issued, that under However, I had been aware of a lish-speaking boy and another man ship, but, being the sea-wise people no circumstances was 1 supposed to man sitting at a desk nearby who suggested we disembark at the first they were, all refused. It was grow- go to another part of the island and had obviously been listening and, as port, take a taxi across the island that the pass was good for only I turned hopelessly towards the door, and meet the boat on the other side. twelve hours. he beckoned me to come over. He Due to the regulations of this par- I was subjected to a lecture on the was a native but worked at the base ticular country, the police held our irresponsible Americans who trav- and spoke excellent English. Taking passports and issued us passes to go eled abroad without regard to regu- pity on me, he offered to help, tellashore. I never thought to read the lations of the country in which they ing the taxi driver to take me to the back of mine, which 1 later discov- found themselves. I would have to police, what to tell them, then to ered was in four languages, includ- go to the International Police, I was bring me back. ing English. told, and get permission from them If ever there was a forlorn, fright- We were delighted to be on land to stay at the base. ened member of AA wandering again and blithely took a taxi across The officer was also horrified at around alone in a strange land, it the island to the other side, then my not having my passport, paying was I, and now I drew on AA for found we had several hours to wait no attention to the fact that it was strength. On my way to the police I for our ship. We were in a tiny, with the police on the ship. The point whispered the Serenity Prayer over

and over. We arrived at a huge, strange country and without a pass- the Grace of God I wasn’t tempted. sipped black coffee to celebrate our barracks-like building, practically port. I was scared again. I was also This, I assure you, was none of my rescue. empty except for some armed guards, feeling resentful towards the Air doing. There were any number of Because of AA I was able to make and while I waited for the official, I Force officer and his unfair treat- wine shops about; there was nothing that trip, have a successful stay with perched on a wooden crate nearby ment of me. “Easy Does It,” I whis- to deter me but my AA knowledge my sister and return, sober. I was and mentally recited every AA slo- pered. “Live and Let Live.” The and my Higher Power. able to fulfill one of my dreams, and gan, the Prayer again, and almost man was only doing his duty. Then Then, a ship’s company employee my experience has now become an everything else I had learned in our I reminded myself that it was “Just found us and said that as no change “adventure,” thanks to AA. When I Fellowship. From this I dcrived com- for today, tomorrow was in God’s was expected in the weather the could so easily have lost my head, fort and reassurance. hands,” and I began to pray. Sud- Captain had orders to weigh anchor AA helped me to achieve a clear The officer finally appeared, the denly, as I prayed, I wasn’t alone any and sail back around the island to mind and purposeful action. When taxi driver handed him my pass- longer. A wonderful strength flowed pick up three lost passengers. We I felt despair and fear, AA gave me which was approved-and we re- through me. I could almost feel a lost no time in getting back across strength. Above all, when I could so turned to the base. loving Presence hovering close by. the island, where we sat down in a easily have taken that first drink, AA A billeting clerk sent me higher Now peaceful and reassured, I got cafi to wait for the boat. My com- kept me sober. up the mountain to a vast, Quonset- into bed and slept. panions ordered an aperitif while I A. G., Manhattan, N. Y . type building, where I was shown my In the morning, after my prayers, room. I sat on the edge of the bed, I ate a good breakfast. Next, what said a prayer of thanks for being was “First Things First”? Find my taken care of for the night, took out companions. I took a taxi back to my copy of “Twenty-Four Hours” the waterfront to wait for them. I and read it. Soon I was calm, and watched our ship bobbing about in I thought of “First Things First.” I the sea, which was still too rough hadn’t eaten for hours, and since for small craft, until my companions I knew I must keep up my strength, I appeared after spending a horrible found somebody to direct me to a night in a bug-ridden house, and we mess hall. After a good meal and two started our vigil. The ship’s company big cups of coffee, I was much better office was close by and we haunted in every way. the place, but they only shrugged Back in my room, I listened to the and said, “Maybe tomorrow.” Sevwind howling, while the rain beat in eral times my companions went off torrents against the window. There for some wine or brandy to ward off I was, alone on a mountain top, in a the chill of the drizzly day, but by

July 1962

HOW AA CAME TO THEM The Party Line

M Y progression into alcoholism took much the same course as others-gradually over a period of this conversation between someone who was sober and trying to help another person over a rough day was a fifteen years of drinking, then quite revelation to me. I heard Winnie and rapidly for the next five. But eaves- Sally several times after that. I would dropping on a party line paid big pick up the phone at many odd times dividends for me. I was brought up in the hopes they might be talking. on a farm in Kansas where party Then several weeks and numerous lines were the general rule. But bottles later my Higher Power took listening in was never allowed in our over. I picked up the telephone and home. However, this morality was my future sponsor and her pigeon quickly forgotten when I .picked up were again on the line. Without any the telephone in my home many thought on my part I broke into their years later, and found it in use. This conversation, and said, “Winnie wasn’t the usual conversation going when you are finished could I talk on, but an AA woman talking to her to you.” She quickly said good-bye new pigeon. I couldn’t have put the to Sally. I told her I was on her party phone down if my life depended on line and had frequently heard her it. For the first time I realized I talking about AA and wanted to wasn’t alone in my drinking prob- know more about it. She asked my lem. Although I had read an article name and address and was ringing about AA and had telephoned once my doorbell in a few minutes. She to find out about it, I had done lived just around the corner. She nothing after learning it meant total took me to a meeting that night and abstinence. I thought this was im- many nights thereafter. A new life possible and only wanted to learn began for another grateful AA. how t o drink and not get drunk. So M.W.,Long Island, N.Y.

August 1 9 6 2

you are aware of your total commit- and spirit and strong in a conviction ment to and responsibility for your of God. sobriety, you may never have to go I know it does not always work to court. You may also gain more, this way-but children grow up. Any How My Child “Came to Believe” far more, than you ever had before.” I waited-two long and pretty appalling years, seeing my young son sober contact, no matter how brief and unsatisfactory, is better than association with the sickness of the only under the watchful and hostile actively drinking parent. In time the surveillance of his step-mother. I had child will come to know the iruth no An alcoholic mother has found that to watch his confusion and unhappi- matter how distortedly it has been making amends brings results ness and his questions had to be an- presented to him or her. I believe swered, “Why can’t I be with you?” deeply that the alcoholic parent is “Why were you away so long?” wrong even when right, until AA time “Why do I have to be with Daddy?” has cast its sobering and healing spell. who has returned to the human com- I had to answer and I had to I also believe that the power of the 0 N E of the most poignant and least communicated experience of the alcoholic’s life is the loss munity through the healing influence of the AA life. say, “I do not know how long it will be until your Daddy is able to share you. We will both have to wait love that AA can unfold for us is stronger and wiser than any court of children due to a marriage break- The most difficult attribute to edict. Time, if we but give it, will in acquire in this most painful situation and know that this is necessary now. the end not only restore but sanctify. down caused by alcoholism. I am a You are not away from me really.” mother who lost my son during the is patience. When I first came into I have since discussed this matter final months of my drinking and I am AA I was told by my non-AA attora mother who has regained not only ney and by many newer AA friends the physical custody of my child but that the courts were knowledgeable the respect and affection of his father. and lenient with parents who could Of all the blessings AA has bestowed prove their “fitness” through AA rethis is surely the most deeply felt and habilitation. I would have little or no the greatest daily reminder of the legal trouble re-establishing my gratitude I owe to this Fellowship. “rights,” they assured me. I thank My experience is far from unique God every day of my life that I took and not all of these tragic separations the much harder course advocated by Finally the day did come when his with my son’s father. He said, “You have such a happy ending. But after an AA attorney friend with some father came to believe, through what wrole to me that you would never go many discussions with both AA good long years of AA wisdom be- he had learned of AA and what he to court to do battle for our son, even mothers and fathers I have come to hind him. had seen in me, that I was the one though you might lose him. When know that there need never be a per- I’ll never forget what he said, with the greater “fitness.” Our son you said you’d wait until he was old rncrilent separation from any child no “Rights? Oh sure, you have a legal could now grow far stronger under enough to understand, I knew I could matter how alienated the parents may right, but what is your spiritual the influence of what this program trust you.” Great indeed are the rebe. Few parents, regardless of how right just now? If you insist on one could bring to his life than through wards of AA’s gifts, of love and pabitter their personal relations may be, before you understand the other you the climate in which his father oper- tience and willingness to let God’s wish to be responsible for the un- might well cause even deeper damage ated. My son is nearly ready for col- time, not ours, determine the way to happy results of separating a son or to your son and to yourself. If you lege now, he is indeed AA oriented, actions of balanced sanity. daughter from a father or mother wait until AA has had a chance, until which means hc is healthy in mind H. W., New York

September 1962

The one woman member, in a town o f 45,000, had her own set o f difficulties-at first

I AM a “loner” in a way-the only woman member in my large and active AA group. Tonight, I came mind, friendship and all of the other dividends of AA, I haven’t forgotten the misery of my drinking days, but members and their families) were not too bad. Those who didn’t know us, thought my husband was the alcocould stop fighting. To start seeking, to start helping instead of just absorbing all the help offered. I would home from an open meeting thinking until tonight I had forgotten the diffi- holic. That was just dandy with me. go home from meetings confused and about following the suggestion of an- culty and discouragement I went The closed meetings, (for alcoholics rebellious. How could it be possible other woman alcoholic, who was a through, as the only female in a only) were all nght, after I got inside that I was the only woman, in a town visitor from another state, where group, struggling to attain and main- the building. Believe me, I know the of 45,000, who had a drinking probthey have nearly as many AA women tain sobriety. horror of being one quivering, quak- lem serious enough to warrant AA. as men. Until tonight, I hadn’t In the beginning, I was more or ing, self-conscious female peering I knew Mrs. -J had been realized that my early life in AA less pushed into AA, by my family furtively, up and down the street of labeled a “lush,” and I knew that might be unique. and friends. I knew I was drinking a small town, frantic for fear that Jane was one. Why didn’t they have She suggested that I write my early too much. If I didn’t stop, I was go- someone would see me ducking into to go to AA? Sure, the next thought experiences. The knowledge that I ing to lose my husband and children. the AA meeting place. was, I was not as bad, or certainly no weathered it and an1 still around, But I couldn’t admit it and face my It was two confusing, frustrating worse than they. If they can still might be of help to another woman, friends. However, after several doc- years before my thinking straight- drink, so can I. And I did. who is now floundering along that tors and members of my family told ened out enough to rcalizc that I Amazingly enough, I continued to s a n e lonely road. me that it was either AA, o r else!, I After several years of complete finally, reluctantly gave in. sobriety, enjoyment of peace of The open meetings, (for AA

go to AA meetings. Once in a great nantly male localities, but I hope the while, another girl would come spas- seating arrangement is not like ours. modically, then we saw no more of Here the wives sit separately in one her. It was heartbreaking to me. I part of the room, the alcoholics all couldn’t undcrstand it. They too, had in another group. It is a small comseemed to need help desperately. I plaint, but I will never forget how could have helped these other sick conspicuous I felt. Poor, little me, the women and made everything easier lone woman drunk. That was before to cope with, if I had done some of I realized that the wives wanted to the things we were told to do. Just be my friends. Most of them had because I heard only men and been so thoroughly indoctrinated the male version of alcoholism, I with the theory that “only an alcowouldn’t or couldn’t “identify.” holic can understand and talk to an- The men had told me to confide in other,” that they were afraid to make someone, let them share my prob- the first move. Eventually, I learned lems. To telephone, or get in touch that the open meetings are of help with another member, when I had to the families of alcoholics. They doubts, became confused or de- need reassurance, hope and friends, spondent. In these familiar words, even as you and I. “to get out of the driver’s seat.” But I know, about now, you are wonuntil I finally realized, that the men dering about my husband, and how in the group were truly anxious and he fitted into this AA way of life. I willing to help me and were honestly have purposely kept this on the “me concerned about my welfare, I con- and the meetings” subject. I feel my tinued to have trouble. They asked if possible “lone woman” needs to it would be easier for me, if they know that there is another woman brought their wives with them when who has experienced a lot of the they came to talk to me. That helped. same AA loneliness. Believe me, I And at long last, with the help of haven’t meant to overlook or to that all-male group, I made it. So if minimize the devotion, love and you are a lone woman member in.a understanding I received at home. group of AA men, hang on! You will This is a continuing blessing. find, as I have, that friends in any As we say in AA, and it is true, AA group, form a life line always “I hope this has helped you.” It has within your reach. helped me to remember, what it was I don’t know how the open meet- to feel alone. I am grateful that I ings are conducted in other predomi- learned in time that I never am alone. M.C., Jutnestown, N. Y.

tober 1 9 6 2

problems. I could not imagine living At this point a doctor was called in “Myname is. . .BONNIE” I

even one day without alcohol. One and after a short conference he innight in suicidal despair, I decided formed me that I had alcoholic charto leave home for my family’s sake. acteristics and perhaps I should give I took the car and headed out of the program a try. I wasn’t at all contown, very drunk and not caring vinced but all I wanted now was to what happened. I drove and drank be left alone. for three days and dared not let my During my stay in the hospital I mind return to what was behind me. was introduced to AA for the first I can’t remember very much of my time. We attended several meetings trip. I don’t know what route I took a week and, although I regarded myor what took place along the way. self as different from the rest as far I want never to forget the first thing as my problems were concerned, I I did remember, for it was the turn- also have to admit that much of what ing point in my life. I had fallen I heard did apply to me and I was Mother of Five – and Alcoholic asleep in the car and when I awakened it was dark and I was sick. So very sick, still tired, hungry and, beginning to wonder if I were an alcoholic. I went along with their program without rebelling and worst of all, alone-the terrible hounded the counselors for help as I aloneness that one can know only knew I needed it badly. They all felt

F OR fifteen years I had been drinking socially. At least it might have appeared so to an outsider. I I thought a few drinks were essential to maintain my routine. Without noticing or realizing the when one has lost everything that matters. At this time I again thought of I was an alcoholic but, because of the problems my drinking had created, I was too confused to think very obwas twenty-eight years old, married danger, my drinking became so bad suicide and searched for my sleeping jectively. My main concern was to for ten years and had five children. I could hardly go to work without pills. There were only four left and straighten out my life. My children At parties my husband wanted to carrying alcoh’ol with me. I confined I knew this was not enough. I was were in foster homes and I couldn’t leave at a reasonable hour but I was my drinking to away from home and, four hundred miles from home, but bear to think of the suffering I had having too much fun. When I finally as a result, withdrew from my family I called my husband for help and inflicted on them and on iny huswould leave it was always with re- and any help or advice which they asked to be taken to a State Institu- band. The guilt I felt was so severe, sentment and I decided he just offered me was always interpreted as tion. He agreed and it took me two that being just sorry sounded empty wasn’t sociable. interference in my own little private days to prepare for my return-I and futile. I did realize that I would My drinking behavior began to life. Threats, accusations or pleading was still drinking. have to make amends without alcoshow up at a time when I was at an only made me more rebellious and At the hospital I meekly informed hol because, even if I couldn’t admit all time low mentally and physically. bitter until I reached a point where them that I should like to be admit- being an alcoholic, I did know alco- My husband had always been very I could scarcely tolerate being home ted. The attendant on duty inquired hol hadn’t furthered my cause. ambitious and, as I wanted very at all. as to whether it was mental or alco- The help and comfort I received much to make a good home for my The misery and grief experienced hol, as they also had an alcoholic during my stay at the hospital is to family, I worked outside our home during this time can never be ex- rehabilitation program there. I as- me priceless. I left, not feeling comto help. Between this and trying to pressed, and it became worse as days sured him it was mental, but my hus- pletely secure, but knowing that my keep up with five children finally I wore on. Time had no meaning and band very assuredly spoke up and sixty days of sobriety had done much wore myself down to a point where all I looked for was escape from my said he thought it might be alcohol. for my way of thinking. I had de-

just concentrating on sobriety. I standing others, but not myself. And in. With this new look at myself I knew I wasn’t happy but I had to be then I remembered-this is the AA began to see my past drinking besure of what I really wanted and what way of doing things. I had been re- havior more objectively. For the first I really was. belling against being an alcoholic time in my life I honestly admitted I had made many friends during and AA, but why? that I was an alcoholic. This realizamy stay at the hospital and I talked After a few days I received a letter tion made many things clear to me. to them on the phone often. Most of from a friend who had returned to I went back to AA right away and them had returned to drinking and I the hospital and to whom I had tried became very active. These happy always sympathized with the many to give help. The gratitude expressed smiling people had learned through situations they had become involved was overwhelming. Never had I ex- the AA Fellowship how to live again in, but I also maintained much of perienced such a feeling of satisfac- without the fear of being unwanted what I had learned in the hospital tion. Not even a few drinks could do or not needed. and tried to relay to them the impor- this. All of a sudden my whole fight I felt whole again, for by sharing tance of sobriety. My advice was seemed to have reason. I had failed my experience I can help someone cided to join AA and I attended my good but, as my own confusion was to realize that by branding myself who is going through a similar hell. first meeting about a week later. It still quite obvious, I was unable to and my problems as different, I had Right now I feel as if I could whip was very hard to believe that these make any impression on them. These overlooked the fact that probably the world and I believe this is what people could possibly have gone same people were the very ones who millions of others have problems just is meant when they speak of ‘radithrough what I had for they all kept telling me to return to AA. as big and terrifying to them as mine ant’ sobriety. I also believe that by looked so happy and content. I was Their advice also fell on deaf ears. I were to me. Common sense would placing my life in the hands of a also sure they would avoid mc like continued with the counseling for tell you that no one intentionally sets Greater Power and with the help of the plague if they were aware of niany months and eventually began out to make the kind of hell of their AA I can continue in this gratifying what I had done. to see myself in a new light. Social lives that alcoholics seem to wallow way of life. I was going to a counselor who contact was what I most needed and B. A ., Minneapolis, Minn. was helping me with my problems so I tried to interest myself in work and this recuperative period was with girl scouts, but it was too much very painful. I continued to attend of a problem because there was no AA meetings although I sat in the one to stay with my children; and back and refused to take an active this did not provide the outlet I was part. I wouldn’t discuss my experi- looking for. I couldn’t imagine joinences with anyone for I was sure they ing a club through the school because wouldn’t understand and I still had I felt, in view of my past experiences, not accepted the fact that I was an we would have little in common. Alalcoholic. ways searching. One thing I did every day was to The restlessness became unbearsay the Serenity Prayer and I tried to able and I spent hours crying or lyapply it to everything in my life. I ing awake at night looking for the secretly had turned my life over to a answers. I always felt quite radiant Greater Power. I had by now stopped when trying to help someone else going to AA meetings; in fact I had with their problems. I seemed to given up all social contact and was have a fairly good insight in under-

October 1962

sober. My life was useless; I had lost Then, at the beginning of this , PARIS REPORT: my friends and my family thought year, as I was ending a three-week of me as a failure and a desperate drinking period, my father thought case. My father continued to pay for again of another very good private all kinds of psychiatrists and treat- clinic where I could have gone for Lydia T., A “Special Case” ments but he, himself, did not want about three months, just for the winto admit that his own child was an ter so that I would be in good condialcoholic, though he saw me quite a tion for spring. Well, both of us went Even the gendarmes very genlly but surely asked this beautiful few times in a very bad state of mind. to meet the head doctor of this wonyoung French woman to spend 90 days in a psychiatric hospital … He and I blamed it on my disturbed derful place outside of Paris and, “on account of my special way of driving a car” way of thinking about life. I was just fortunately, there was no room availtoo smart to act as a normal person. able for a week. On our way back Life was unfair to me. I was born in home, as we were approaching Paris, a bad period, and it could not really I suddenly spoke out and told my and good AA-I also have a godson T HANKS to AA and the French AA Group in Paris, my whole life changed so much that my family who, since we started in AA, the very same month, is doing me a lot be my fault if I did not get along with plain, normal human beings. I had to be treated as a special case all the parents I would not go to any hospitals or private clinics again. There was no sense to it, since I did not offered me the trip to New York, of good. Thanks to him, I went back time, and I quite enjoyed it often, really want to change and hadn’t just for the time of the 12th Annual to hospitals but, for a change, as a up to now. even one good or bad reason for do- Conference meeting. As a matter of visitor, for I have to say that I spent fact, when I asked my father for per- more than eleven months in seven mission to come to New York for different hospitals and private clin- ‘ two weeks, I had been physically ics for very special kinds of nervous sober for about two months, and my breakdowns. Just once, for the real way of thinking was still very drunk. good reason of my alcoholism, the I knew and realized it, but I wanted French police asked me very gently to come so badly, and still I was so but surely to spend ninety days in a scared that I would not be able to psychiatric hospital near Paris–on represent the French Group, that I account of my special way of driving just decided to work on AA as much a car, sleeping in the daytime on the as I possibly could. I read Bill’s main roads of France with, of course, book, Joseph Kessel’s book, and empty liquor bottles next to me. Last I listened very hard to what our year, from July 1st to October 20th, old-timers in France did tell in the I had to leave Paris and my family meetings-by the way, I want to because I was so very tired. Nothing point out that the oldest member in to do or to think about except drink- Paris has added up a year and a half ing. It really was on my mind day of sobriety. and night. As for myself, I came to AA on Well, my sobriety periods never January 8, 1962, and some of the lasted very long. I always knew I had newcomers think of me as quite a a problem with alcohol, but I really respectable person-nearly a reliable did not see the point of my being

ing so. I just said I would try behav- of course, ups and downs-slowly ing a little bit better if they promised but surely-for we are pretty sure to keep me home and wait for a few we are on the one very good road to weeks till I was rested. They agreed, a better life for happiness and mindand on that very evening they fol- comfort. We all stick together since lowed my older sister’s advice and we need each other so badly, and it went to the American Church in is quite a wonderful experience mak- Paris where AA meetings are held. ing friends and discovering life with That took place on a Saturday, them. We learn the A.B.C.’s of hapand on Monday evening my mother piness and normal reactions. Persontook me to my first meeting-it is ally, I must say that whenever I get still working well. And with all my the blues and believe my sobriety is heart, and with the help of God and sometimes very tiring, I just accept the AAs, I sincerely hope it will last things as they are and thank God for very long-a day at a time. making me react in a normal way. I Now, in Paris, I am in charge of now appreciate tears that are not due the mail, the typing of our monthly to alcohol and remorse, and I also bulletin, “Regain,” and with Manuel, enjoy a good laugh and all the beauan old-timer, of the night phone tiful things in life. calls. I am quite busy, although wc So, I’ve just tried to tell all of you are but a few in Paris, but in the last that the French AA groups in France five months we had two new groups; are doing their best to follow the one in Marseille, down on the Rivi- Twelve Steps and Traditions, and era; the other in Rouen, on the way thanks to all of you-your experito Normandy and good drinking. As ences, your.stories, advice and mail for the fourth group in France, it will -we are discovering, every day of soon be a year old, and it stands on the year, a new and wonderful sense the Belgian border in Roubaix, the of living. part of France where I was born and Also, be very sure we often speak where people do appreciate beer and of you and admire what you are dogood wines. ing all over the world. If any of you Well, I must say the four French come to France at any time, please Groups are doing a great job and let us know and we shall make a real putting all their heart into it. We all feast out of it. do our best to learn and understand So, in the name of all of our the AA way of living. Day by day, friends in France, thank you and so we are advancing in sobriety with, long- L. T., France

November 1 9 6 2

attention, meantime get the full in the lap, palm upward; place the weight of your hand down on the right elbow squarely in that palm; surface of his desk, and slide the use the lcft hand to lever the right papers toward him. arm, the right hand and its precious Procedure for striking a match: burden gently upward. This tech- Holding the match-folder in the left nique also loses its effectiveness in STEADY GIRL! hand, brace the tip of the right-hand little finger against the palm of the the shaky-head period. I was lucky in one respect (among Try these tested, p r o v e d m e t h o d s left hand. Special note: Before start- many, many others), I never had for acquiring s i m u l a t e d stability. ing to light a cigarette in public, al- the slightest doubt about the reason ways make sure that your solicitous for my shakes; I knew the cause was waiter or your gntlemanly escort the same as the cure. All these tricks

w HEN I forget to be grateful, my hands remind me. I am absently lifting a coffee cup, and suddenly I laugh inside, “Look, Maactly how long I put up with the shakes, it must have taken several years to work out and master all the techniques for the efficient and disis looking the other way. If you are taken by surprise, quickly remove your hand and simply hold the cigarette in your mouth. This is not a were just emergency measures to preserve appearances until I could get to that lovely bottled cure. And, naturally, the more I shook the more one hand!” Though I’m not ambi- creet operation of shaky hands. ladylike or becoming pose, but at cure I needed, until the day finally dextrous, it may even be my left Procedure for applying lipstick: least there’s a better chance that the eamc when no amount of alcohol hand that is moving the cup steadily Grasp the right wrist firmly with the proffered match or lighter will con- was enough. I was fresh out of strataupward to touch my lips. What ac- left hand. nect with the end of your cigarette. gems-all but one. Shaking inside curacy! What control! Procedure for threading a needle When you reach the stage where and out, I still managed to fumble “I wouldn’t have had any trouble (this one is easy): Apply the heel your head is shaking too, it is ad- through the first pages of the teleif I hadn’t started to shake.” That’s of one palm to the heel of the other. visable to stop smoking in public. phone book until I found the right ‘ what I earnestly told the leader of a Procedure for handing office pa- Procedure for lifting the first page, and then to dial the right beginners’ meeting, early in my AA pers to the boss: Bring up a vital lunch-time martini (very impor- number. life. Though I can’t rcmcmber ex- topic of conversation to distract his tant): Rest the left hand gracefully Aftcr thrcc wceks of sobriety in

AA (om thc fringes of AA, that is), In a way, not only am I grateful 1 looked back at the time of thc that I haven’t the shakes today-I’m shakes and told myself heartily, grateful that I had them then. (Many “Well! That was a nightmare!” Now active alcoholics, I’ve learned, can I was awake; I was in good health reach for death’s doorknob with a (having been an eating-type drunk); reasonably steady hand.) At least, best of all, my hands were trium- my shakes probably shortened the phantly steady. I had always thought dreary efforts at control. During each that my problem would be solved of these experiments, there came a if I could stay off the stuff just morning when I arose to feel the long enough to stop shaking. “Mis- familiar vibrations, and I promptly sion accomplished,” I decided. “Of announced to myself, “I won’t put up course, AA is a splendid thing for with this!” Procedure: Spike the pcoplc who need it. As for me, I’m breakfast orange juice; nothing like going to start over again and drink it for speeding up the progression of properly, thc way I always used to.” your drinking and getting the non- Four months after my checrful sense over with. resolution, I discovered what it feels Could I draw a straight line or a likc to shakc so hard that you can’t perfect circle today? Well, not alstand up. ways; there are jitters that don’t I’rocedurc for coping with shakes come out of a bottle. I have a proof this type: Go back to AA. I t took cedure to combat those, too. I sneer still another experiment to convince at them. I look down at the tempome that I couldn’t “start over again,” rarily wobbly hand and laugh, “Hah! and that AA was a splendid thing You call that shaking?” for mc. J . G.,New York, N. Y .

November 1 9 6 2

Motherhood vs. meetings From Santa Monica, California: Many of the young mothers who have found the program, soon discover that they must put time in, too, with their young children and not neglect them by going to so many AA meetings, and leaving them at home to shift for themselves the way they did when they were drinking. This fact has&een brought home to many in our area, and it is good policy to set our own house in order first, and try and practice the AA principles in ALL OF OUR AFFAIRS. I had a visit with a young mother I introduced to AA in June 1950. She had three babies and, since that time, she has learned many things including one thing for sure-she must not be gone all the time, as her children need her most now that they are in their teens. She has been badly criticized and told she will get drunk because she only attends one meeting a week now, but I have tried to assure her that she was doing the right thing, so long as she remained sober and was a good mother to her children. B. T.

J a n u a r y 1963

She was getting close to the end of the line when it happened. . .

(( I T won’t happen to me” were my hypocrites, anyone can stop drinking words after attending a few with a little will power!” As I stayed AA meetings five years ago. I went sober and continued to go to meetand I spent the night in jail. In the morning, I was committed for two the baby I was carrying. I blamed all my behavior on my husband. He there to prove to my husband that ings, it seemed that my husband’s weeks’ observation. I was told by the was irresponsible, unfaithful and a I was no alcoholic! It was because drinking became worse and the prob- doctors there that I was an alcoholic drunk. of him and his behavior that I drank. lems in our marriage became more and that 1 could not drink. 1 then tried to assume my respon- The more speakers I heard, the more severe. So at the end of a few months, Upon coming out I found that I sibilities for the children’s sake and convinced I became that my husband I decided one night, New Year’s had lost the part time job that was found I couldn’t stop drinking. was the alcoholic. I could not iden- Eve, to take a drink. What was the of great importance to me. The next Finally, my five children were retify myself with the women I heard. sense of my abstaining, my husband few months are vague in my mind, moved from me. When the children They had all been in institutions, wasn’t going to change, so why but I do know I continued to drink were gone, the heart fell right out of jails, lost their husbands, children should I? One drink led to two, two and it got worse. I was pregnant at me. I knew I had to stop’drinking and so on. None of these things had to three-the usual pattern, and in the time and my husband had taken somehow, but I couldn’t. I went from happened to me. I was aware only the wee hours of the morning, I off. I had a few more trips to the job to job and lost them in a short that my marriage was a mess and found myself in an automobile acci- institution and then one day I lost time because by now I was drinking that with five children to support, dent which completely demolished my husband was doing a poor job of my car. Fortunately, I was not seriit because he drank too much, too ously injured. I don’t remember often. much about the next few days. I do After each meeting, I would go know I wasn’t able to stop drinking home and preach the principles of and my home became a skid row. the program to my husband. The Within two weeks, I had my first inonly answer I would get from him troduction to an institution. Two powas, “Those people are a bunch of licemen took me out of my home

all the time and sneaking it, thinking in bad shape physically as well as no one knew. I paid a few more vis- mentally. AA was called and shortly its to institutions. I was up to my after I was back in the institution for neck in self pity. My husband had medical treatment. I snapped out of become a philanderer and I didn’t it physically, but mentally the DTs know where he was o r what he was left me in another world. Then one doing. My heart ached for the day I slowly came out of this world children. and back to reality. AA surrounded About six months more elapsed me in the hospital and grabbed me when the news came that my hus- when I came out. I am very grateful band was dead. H e had put a rifle to my sponsor today, for if it hadn’t to his mouth and blown his head to been for her, I believe when I left bits. After this tragedy my drinking the institution I would have run became worse. I was now full of self right back to the only friend I knew pity and rationalized my drinking by, -the bottle! “What have I got to live for now?” I attended meetings every night. It wasn’t long before 1 was back in This time I went for myself. There the institution. This time I was told was no doubt in my mind about what not only that 1 was alcoholic, but my problem was. This was my last that if I drank again I would have chance, if I wanted to live. Fear severe brain damage. I had two con- brought me in but by listening with vulsions on this tour. This didn’t an open mind and doing as they sugfrighten me too much-they say you gested I am well and sober today. I can’t scare an alcoholic. slowly bought this new way of life When I got out this time, I didn’t on blind faith. In a short time, I will drink for three months, but 1 was be two years old in the program. It on pills and barbiturates. I had heard is a wonderful new way of life. Down that these would lead you back to deep in my heart, 1 believe eventudrinking. The day came when I ally my children will be with me to started to drink again, and the tours share this with me. That too will be of thc hospitals, jails and bars was when God thinks I’m ready. my life. When I wasn’t in jail o r the The feur that brought me into AA institutions I was in a bar on the no longer exists. In its place I have mcrry-go-round, twenty-four hours slowly gained a wonderful fuithof the day. 1 had no cares and the in God and AA. If you have ever sooner I died, the better. I couldn’t used the words “It won’t happen to think of a soul that would miss me. me” take it from one who learned It was only by the Grace of God the hard way-if you are an alcoand AA that I am well and able to holic it will happen, if you keep tell my story today. A t the end of drinking and you live long enough! my last drinking session I ended up Gmtefrrl Alcoholic, Wurwick, R. I .

January 1963

Slipping onto the program From San Antonio; Texas: Then 1 thought to myself, “I can My name is Windy and I went to use this ‘slip’ to my own advantage. my first A A meeting September 26, I’ll try to remember how I feel and 1961. tomorrow, or sometime, I’ll write it Recently though I had a slip. I all down.” Then I felt mad and remembered all the bad things that had know now that I was feeling resent- ever happened to me. 1 drank more ful and full of self-pity and anger, beer and 1 remember feeling dizzy and before I knew it I was in a bar and unable to hold up my head. Then gulping down beer. I remember I think 1 must have passed out for a thinking, “Now I’ve lost my so- few minutes. When I got home 1 felt briety,” and 1 wanted to cry. So, to terrible. I got this crazy feeling like keep from crying I drank more beer. I would jump out of my skin and I 1 thought about A A and all the felt as though I was in the middle of wonderful people in AA, and I was a nightmare that had no end. glad that they couldn’t see me right then. “l’m a failure, a cheat and I’ve The next morning 1 was remorsebroken the promise that 1 wouldn’t ful and ashamed-wanting to hide drink today. Might as well get good under the covers. Afraid and and drunk-nobody cares about me ashamed to go outside and have; now. I don’t deserve the love and people see me. Afraid they would trust of anyone.” say, “She was drunk last night. Did For about twenty minutes during you hear her shouting and yelling? the first six hours of drinking 1 felt Did you see her staggering home happy-not very happy, but I re- with a beer can in her hand?” member singing. A week later 1 went back to AA. I opened the door of the meeting place and walked quickly into the kitchen and got a cup of coffee. Then 1 sat down in a corner. In just a few minutes friends came over, one by one. “How are you, So glad t o see you back with us again,” they said. How wonderful it is to be wanted. W. M.

March 1963

were in very bad shape, obviously would not have to go through another in need of some form of rehabilita- nightmare. And accept the program tion. In desperation, I asked the I did, as if it had been made to order. waitress at the restaurant where 1 So it was I who found release from took them to eat what if anything bondage, from fear, anxiety and could be done about them. She whis- loneliness, through the God of my pered in my ear, very secretly, that I understanding. I have a partnership could take them to AA. I asked what now with a sure winner. What a AA was. She told me it was a place wonderful feeling to know where I where they teach you to drink nor- have been and where I am going. mally. In the early days there were My prayers are that I will grow not as many meetings as there are spiritually in the knowledge that 1 now, but I called the club room and can accept what I cannot change, learned that there was one that night. that all things are working through Woman on Skid Row My two friends condescended to me for my highest good. And I pray agree to go with me. I really felt like that the thousands who are now sufa guardian angel as I swept my two fering from this same disease may She tried to help two others-and charges under my wing to that meet- see the many opportunities ahead ing, and what I hoped would be, for for them if they will but yield a little, saved herself them, a release from bondage. and join this Fellowship. The miracle of AA! I no longer And what of my two friends whom know what the rest of the program 1 shepherded to that meeting so long AYBE I drank for a longer period consisted of that night. But I heard a ago so that they could be taught to M of time than a lot of women. I had started young and, as I look row that I found this wonderful new life, and in the most mysterious way. 1 had two women acquaintances 1 woman tell her story. I will never drink “normally”? What release did forget her. When it was over I was so they find? The Book tells us there back, it was a problem from the be- felt sorry for, inasmuch as they transformed with what I had heard are two roads that alcoholism unginning, but of course I did not recog- seemed to have lost their grip on liv- that I declared aloud: “I am an alco- checked will eventually lead us tonize it as such. It was many, many ing entirely, whereas I was still able holic.” Every pair of eyes in that the grave or insanity. One of my years later that I found myself in the audience was suddenly focused on friends is now in an institution if she . to sober up and work on a temporary skid row of the city where I was born, basis between ,episodes. In these me. Needless to say, after the meet- is still alive. The other was ‘found alone, friendless, homeless, desolate sober periods I would seek the two ing I was surrounded. dead from malnutrition and alcoand without direction. The pitfalls women out in the bars to see if they Thank God I didn’t take the atti- holism in a skid row doorway. I have that occurred along the way are too needed food or money, which was tude that as long as I was sober now just celebrated my fifteenth year in ‘ I didn’t need AA and would come AA-(5478 twenty-four-hour perinumerous to mention. But I once had generally the case. I felt somehow all the things that a woman desires- that they should be helped. There back when I drank again. Thank God ods). Is it any wonder that my heart a fine home and a good husband, must have been a certain kinship also that instead I took the attitude is so full of gratitude this beautiful every potential for a happy future. there; perhaps unconsciously I knew that if I accepted the program now I day? Then the bottle became more impor- I was like them. V.H.,Daytona Beach, Flu. tant to me than everything that makes At any rate, on this occasion when life worth while. I looked them up I had been physi- It was while I was existing on skid cally dry for about two months. They

April 1963

“‘ “My name is . . . attended the occupational therapy classes and then the last three months you see after you’re sober awhile yob can’t tell the difference. I was there I worked on the farm. The uneasiness passed in a while By now the world was becoming a and in six months I spoke at a meet-

MAE beautiful place to live in. 1 watched the sunrises and sunsets and I never knew they could be so beautiful. My parents came to see me every two weeks and I asked them if they would ing. This was the thrill of a lifetime. I had never-even been able to recite in school and now I actually could get up in front of all these people and speak. . . . a n d if it hadn’t been f o r God a n d AA . . .” sign me out and told them that 1 was going to try this AA. In due That has been almost eight years ago now. Five years ago I married a time 1 got out and in three weeks I fellow who is also an AA member. attended my first AA meeting. I We have built ourselves a home-a T the age of thirty-eight I gave up pretty foggy but finally I came to the didn’t have much idea what to ex- log cabin furnished with antiques. A trying to exist in the outside conclusion that I was really having a world and went to spend the rest of problem with my drinking besides pect but it was one grand surprise. The first few meetings were particu- We have a normal happy life. We have problems and what have you, as my days in a state hospital in which being a bit nuts. larly hard on me since I wasn’t used any normal people, but neither of us I had been twice before. I couldn’t I began taking the Steps. Since I to a11 this hand shaking and meeting has a desire for a drink-we’d have live on the outside without alcohol or was in a part of the hospital where people and 1 was sure they were all so much to lose. I recently got the with it. most of the patients had been from looking at me, etc. little black book “Twenty Four . One day, after I had been there for two to twenty-five years I didn’t I thought at first that everybody Hours a Day,” which I think helps. about five weeks, I picked up a little meet many alcoholics; if I did I didn’t there was an alcoholic but I soon If it hadn’t been for God and AA book called the “Upper Room.” know it so I started practicing the found out that some were the hus- where would I have been today? I Then is when I really started praying last Step by helping other patients in bands or wives of the alcoholics, so dare not think. ‘ as I never had before. I was in a real small ways. Before this I had been M.L. W.,New Jersey snakepit and had started to change afraid of them but by doing little my mind about wanting to spend the things for them I came to know them rest of my days there. better and liked several of them. The Not long after that an attendant reward I got from this was very great. asked me what I was there for? I told As time went on and my mind beher that I guessed I drank a little too came clearer I began to think serimuch. She brought me a pile of ously of getting out and trying this Grapevines. After a while I got AA, but by this time I had turned my parole on the grounds and so every life and my will over to God as I day when I went out walking I took came to know Him; lots of times in one or two Grapevines along with those days I felt that He was near me. I found a sort of private place and was guiding me. I felt that when in which I wouldn’t be disturbed and the time was right for me to go on the proceeded to read and study these outside I would know. I stayed in the magazines. My poor brains were still hospital a year and two months. I

May 1963

who was too sick to climb a stairs in Alcoholic reasoning told me I order to make beds or take a bath, dared not leave the coal as I had it’s quite a task to cover a house with scattered it, since this would lead to thirteen rooms, attic, cupola, base- even more careful concealment, once ment and garage. it was discovered to what lengths I One morning, lying in my sick- would go in my search, so I shoveled bed, listening for the daily contest to it all back into the original pile. Four begin,, I distinctly heard stealthy foot- tons of coal, shoveled by a gal too steps descending the basement stairs, sick to make beds and cook meals! heard the coal bin being opened, and “Restore us to sanity?” coal crunching underfoot. Aha- Not until I had been a member of taday I KNEW THE HIDING PLACE! AA for well over a year did my clever In nightgown and bare feet, I was husband know of this herculean feat. . in the coal bin before the family car But not until then, either, did I learn had left the driveway. There were to really appreciate his ingenuity. approximately two tons of coal- For he told me that his most often probably not paid for-all in a pile used hiding place was on a chair, at one end of the bin. lf you’ve never pushe’d in close to the dining room dug in a coal pile with your bare table. He said he always knew I hands, don’t; it’s messy. Finding it would not be entertaining guests at slow going, and being the impatient dinner, eating, or cleaning, so the type, 1 resorted to the coal shovel. prize would be perfectly safe, di- This was quicker, the coal fairly flew rectly over my head, four feet above , to the opposite corner of the bin. the coal bin! The Thirst That Moved Mountains f The bottle wasn’t there. Anonymous, Michigan

Testimony on the prodigious muscle power of the determined female

M Y husband showed great ingenuity in hiding bottles. I was always an at-home-in-the- All this effort was aimed at “saving me from myself.” (To this day he will not admit that this was done, bedroom drinker, and each morning, not so much to keep me from drinkbefore my husband’s departure for ing myself to death, as to insure his work, any liquid refreshment remain- having a “quick one” for himself ing from the previous night’s revelry when he arrived home!) was carefully hidden away, every day Only rarely did I find a bottle durr/ in a different place-I thought. ing my husband’s absence. For a gal

June 1963 – – – – –

She wondered what to wear and hoped we didn’t sing hymns. was a meeting that night not far from where 1 lived. It was in a church base- Then she came to a meeting. Were we all lunatics? ment, and that awoke an old conflict. I’d had no truck with churches for years and wanted none now. However, just going into the basement of one should not be too risky. Also, New York is a big city, and I doubted that anyone I knew would see me. First Meeting Recovering somewhat from the fright of making that first phone call, I reflected that I really should have asked that woman what the people a tweed skirt and a sloppy cardigan. did at the meetings, and what sort of On the phone the woman had sugclothes 1 should wear. Oh, yes, and gested I attend the Beginners’ Meethow much did it cost to join. ing. After wondering how she knew a Friday afternoon I finally Up to this point my knowledge of Before evening I changed my mind I was a Beginner, I decided to do so. 0 N got up the courage to dial a number listed in the telephone direc- AA stemmed from two sources: the much-publicized and harrowing acseveral times about going. Maybe They probably wouldn’t be so hard some other night. Maybe never. I ‘on beginners, and if it proved too tory. A woman’s voice answered, say- count of a female celebrity, and the was sober, wasn’t I? I’d been sober strenuous, I could plead a headache ing, “AA. May I help you?” male lead in a Broadway play. This almost four weeks on my own, hadn’t or something and run for the near- Just that, no more. Not alarming rather hazy knowledge was com- l? “On my own” was a rather de- est exit. in itself. posed of various impressions. One batable matter, since I was visiting a Promptly at seven-thirty I saun- “Could you tell me if there is a was the necessity of gulping large psychiatrist three times a week, one tered through a deserted passageway, meeting in my vicinity?” asked in a quantities of orange juice, another of who specialized in alcoholics, and well-marked with AA placards. I business-like tone. cakes with candles, the latter ex- visiting my own doctor twice a week descended steps, my heart pounding “Where do you live?” she asked. hibited in a dim room filled with for vitamin shots. furiously. I almost turned tail and “The upper east side,” I said hushed and reverent people. Fortunately, 1 still possessed ran a couple of times, but some grim . cagily. “The Seventies.” The orange juice and the cake enough honesty to admit that I had inner determination kept ‘my feet She sounded delighted with my were not so bad, but also I under- gotten sober many times on my own, moving downward. At the bottom of vicinity. There were a lot of very stood that to join AA one must stand but I had never been able to stay the stairway stood a nice-looking nice groups near me, she said. As up and publicly declare oneself an sober for long. I would probably man, well-groomed, in a wellcut she rattled off names and addresses, alcoholic. never be able to stay sober unless I business suit. I heard myself saying I

‘ I scribbled them down. Before she This last did not appeal to me at took some drastic action. to him, defensively: “I’m new.” could ask any personal questions, all. By this time I, myself, was con- I pondered long on what to wear. He smiled. “We were all new and I was positive she was going to, vinced that I was an alcoholic, but Leotards perhaps, in case we laid once.” He waved toward the open I thanked her and hung up. I felt I I did not feel inclined to broadcast down on mats for the exercises. Or door of a small room which led off a had won a preliminary skirmish: AA the horrible and detestable fact. maybe an old pair of slacks and larger one. “The Beginners’ Meeting possessed neither my name nor ad- Still, I wanted and needed help. sneakers, in case these were beatnik- is in there. It hasn’t started yet.” dress. No salesmen would call; no Looking at the list of meetings I , type characters. Finally I settled for I n the room were two other literature could be sent. had written down, I saw that there 1 knee-length wool socks, mocassins, women, both appearing as bewild-

ered and lost and uncomfortable as I. In a few minutes two men and another woman arrived. The man in the business suit came in, shut the door, and sat down on the bench of a grand “I decided they were a bunch of ghouls. . piano. I waited for him to play something, and hoped it wouldn’t be a hymn. But instead he turned his back derstand mine whether I understood “Mary’s getting out of Bellevue to- dous confession was made simply to the piano and faced the fan ar- his or not. And the craving need was morrow, isn’t it wonderful?” and honestly. Some of the Wigs rangement of chairs where the six the same-that I recognized. “I just hope she stays out this which had happened to them wen of us were sitting. Very leisurely he I liked Joe. The Beginners’ Meet- time,” he said. “Six times ought ‘to tragic and horrible. But every time. lit a cigar. He smiled at us. In a ing lulled me into a warm feeling of be enough.” that pity welled up inside of me, the. friendly, conversational tone he said: “belonging.” Then the meeting was “She’ll make it this time,” the girl room burst into laughter. I decided “My name is Joe Blank. I am an over and we were turned loose into said confidently. “She really hit her they were a bunch of ghouls, laughalcoholic!’ a large room filled with people. They bottom at last. Of course she’ll have ing at tragedy like that. Just like that. Easily, as if it were looked like any group of people any- to keep the cast on her leg for three As if blackouts and accidents were the most natural thing in the world where; at a movie, a football game, more weeks, so getting to meetings not bad enough things to happen to to say, and to be. Then he went on: on the bus. Their looks were reassur- will be difficult!’ him, one man had the outrageous au- “Alcoholiim is a disease. It is a men- ing, but the fact that all of the faces “A cast never kept her out of dacity to state that he was glad he tal obsession plus a physical reaction were strange made me feel suddenly bars,” he said. was an alcoholic. Glad! How crazy resembling an allergy. It is incurable. like an alien in an unknown land. Be- The girl turned to me, said apolo- could you get? It is progressive. Unless it is arrested fore I could panic and flee, however, getically, “Some are sicker than As I mulled this over, indignant, it has only two ends-insanity or Joe took my arm firmly, introduced others, you know. You needn’t go all the girl next to me produced a straw death.” me to a couple of girls, and sat me , the way down if you stick to the pro- basket. Up in front a woman was I was spellbound. Until this mo- down between them. Alas, escape gram.” reading some sort of announcements, ment I had never heard alcoholism was cut off. Program? What program? And then she stated again that there were described as a disease. Nor had any- Semi-frozen and tongue-tied I why did the one on my left keep no dues or fees, but added-coyly, one explained that it was a mental stared at the huge lettered signs ring- smiling at me? I thought-that they did have exobsession plus a physical allergy. The ing a large table at the front of the The meeting began. A man stood penses and appreciated contribudoctors had told me I could not drink room. The first one nearly threw me. behind a table and read some words tions. again, that abstinence was the only from a booklet. All that stuck in my Up and down and across went the cure, period. But I had not known BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD mind was his saying that there were straw baskets, just like the collection how to achieve total abstinence for So it was a religious thing, after no dues nor fees for AA membership. baskets in church. Coins jangled, any length of time. My few, short, all. Prayers and divine healers, no I couldn’t believe that. No fees. Free. bills fluttered. I was embarrassed for dry periods were achieved with sweat doubt. I squirmed in my seat, turn- There had to be a catch somewhere. the poor souls. How gullible did they and agony, often under duress, and ing to stare longingly at the exit. The In this world you never got some- think a person of my .intelligence I wallowed in the abysses of self-pity girl at my left gave me a big smile. thing for nothing. was? and resentment. Why should she smile at me? I didn’t Two men and a woman took turns Finally, the ordeal ended. When Joe told some of his experiences know her. speaking from behind the table. Each everybody stood and in unison rewith booze. They were not l i e mine The girl on my right leaned to- began with the assertion of being an peated the Lord’s Prayer, it seemed and yet I sensed that he would un- ward a man in front of her and said, alcoholic. As with Joe, this horren- the absolute positive end. There was

only one conclusion to draw. These things I had liked. The things that people were deranged. In short, luna- made sense. Alcoholism is a disease. tics. They talked about booze and There is strength here. There is hope how sick it made them-and every- here. We’stay sober by helping one body laughed. They spoke of hos- another. All we ask is that you come pitals and institutions and broken back and listen. homes-and no one’s expression So I went to the next meeting. changed. They spoke of faith in God, And the next. And now all the meetand said your Higher Power could ings have added up to years and they be a Fifth Avenue bus if you wanted have been sober years and good it that way. They said there were no years. I have drunk my quarts of dues and then they collected money. orange juice, eaten my candy bars, At the door on my way out, Joe swallowed my vitamins. I have pushed a half-dozen pamphlets into learned to thank God-as I undermy hands. He grinned at me around stand Him-for leading me to AA his cigar, but his eyes were dead seri- and keeping me there. I have stood ous and almost pleading. “Come up in the front of a room, admitted back,” he urged. “Keep coming back. that I am an alcoholic, and told my Just remember we stay sober one day story. I have had birthday cakes with at a time. Just remember it’s the first candles. I have learned the healing drink that makes trouble for you, not grace of laughter. I have learned that the tenth or the hundredth. Whether there are no dues or fees in AA, truly, you liked the meeting or not, remem- but if those of us who can will conber that the answer is here. We stay tribute the price of one drink, AA sober by coming here. We find can remain self-supporting and selfstrength together that we cannot find managing without outside help or inalone. Please come back. . . .” terference. That night, leaving the meeting, I And last of all, perhaps the most had no intention of ever going near important, I have learned that it is AA again. I t wasn’t my cup of tea. quite true that you never get some- They’d have to struggle along with- thing for nothing in this world. You out me. get out of AA according to what you But an odd thing happened be- put into it, in the way of time, effort, tween that first meeting and the next sharing and love. If Joe hadn’t given meeting three days later at Joe’s all of these things to me at my first group: I forgot the things I hadn’t meeting, I might not be around now liked and began remembering the to tell about it. F . C.,Manhattan, N.Y.

July 1963

Try, Try Again

AM the mother of three bright and grow. I did not protect my physical I healthy sons, and have a fine husband who has stuck by me through health, so therefore my mind could not function as clearly as it should. many years of alcoholic torment, ar- Another mistake I made more than rests and hospitals. My story isn’t once, was putting my faith in other one of success but of failure in AA. AA members instead of the Higher I’ve been associated with the pro- Power where it belongs. Other alcogram for a number of years. My holics, wonderful as they are, can longest period of sobriety was ten only do so much to help us. They are months. Many times I’ve felt like human too, with problems of their giving up, but thanks to the Higher own. Power I didn’t. I know I will make it I am fortunate to be a member of yet, for I am told if we want sobriety a wonderful group. They have been more than anything else and are will- so patient and encouraging. ing to work the program, we can stay Yes, I’ve had many failures or sober. slips, but I’ve had much more so- I know I am an alcoholic and I briety and happiness since I came certainly do want to stay sober. I love into AA than ever in my life before. the AA program and am willing and I can’t bear to think where I would happy to work for it. Why then have be today if it weren’t for AA. I had so much trouble? After every So, I will keep trying. If I give up drunk, when my thinking gets I know I don’t have a shadow of a straightened out, I can look back and chance. With AA I know I have a see what I did that was wrong. I did great chance. not keep the weeds of resentment, I have much to be thankful for; self-pity and jealousy out of the lots of reasons to keep working for good AA planting that had been sobriety. I have faith that the Higher done, so the fruits of AA could not Power and AA will help me make it. Anon., Batesville, Ind.

July 1963

born. That was my first prolonged an alcoholic, dry now because of dry spell for a long time, and my last God and himself, so I grew up knowfor a long time. ing what alcohol in excess could After that, beer ceased to satisfy mean to an individual and all who me. I couldn’t drink anything except love him. I watched my own drinkbeer in front of my husband, so I’d ing pattern develop from a “drink All t h e test questions always have a bottle hidden-some- would be nice” to “make it a double.” proved this m o t h e r times in the pocket of his overcoat. I took all the tests for alcoholism This I didn’t like too much. And in the magazines and newspapers. of nine wasn’t there were other things I didn’t like. They threw me for awhile because: an alcoholic, I didn’t like the fact I rarely felt I didn’t have blackouts; I didn’t pass right, physically or mentally, until out ( I just fell asleep when I was but . . . after I had had a drink. I didn’t like tired, and who wouldn’t be tired takthe fact that my next drink was my ing care of nine kids and a big number-one thought, when and how house) ;I’d never been in jail or seen I was going to get it. I didn’t like the a doctor or psychiatrist for my drinkway I looked; my face was pasty- ing; my husband didn’t leave me be- HIDDEN, LOST and FOUND sometimes bloated-and never did it cause I was a lush; I never had any sparkle or look alive. I didn’t like the great personal tragedy directly due financial drain of alcohol; I didn’t to alcoholism. But I had read about like the increasing curtailment of all tragedies and I knew they did hapoutside activities because I never felt pen to those who progressively drink

u NFORTUNATELY, I am a rarity in AA. I was what they call a hidden alcoholic. I hid everything that had anything were empty I hid them in the bottom of garbage bags; I wrapped them in newspaper and put them in the neighbor’s garbage cans; I dropped them up to par. I tried to stop. I made a bet with more, as I seemed to be doing. So I had to stop before it was too my husband that I wouldn’t drink late. Actually I didn’t know how AA for seven days. I spent six miserable was going to help me, or if they could to do with my drinking. Few people behind the walls of an unfinished days, at the end of which I decided help me. I only knew that before I knew I drank to excess, and not more closet. Once I even went so far as to we hadn’t had a real bet after all- lost all respect-the little bit of self than two or three suspected I might wrap an empty bottle in wet paper and it didn’t matter anyhow. I tried respect I had left-I had to stop. be an alcoholic. I hid bottles. I was towels, smash it to smithereens and not to drink until four in the after- So I called AA. In those first few a master at that. When they had flush it down the toilet. noon; I was miserable. I tried to weeks I learned certain little ways to something in them I hid them where I drank a lot. At one time I drank drink only a bottle of beer and one stay sober-to just put off having a . they could be easily available to me in excess of two fifths a day. After a shot an hour; I was miserable. drink. Sometimcs I didn’t even think -in the soap-flakes box under the while, I switched to beer. For a long And then, finally, one big glaring of it. At other times the desire for a kitchen sink, among the towels in the time I drank little but beer. For seven fact had to be faced: I was drinking drink became such an obsession that linen closet, in the pockets of my months of one pregnancy I didn’t when I didn’t want to. I kept excus- I could just put off that drink for five overcoat. I even threw out good drink at all. I made a bargain with a ing myself to myself. But that didn’t, minutes, then for another five mincough syrup and filled that bottle friend to lend my family a certain thank God, last long. utes, and finally the thoughts on the with what I felt was much more de- amount of money if I would promise In the course of my life I had read job I was trying to do would break sirable medicine. When those bottles not to take a drink until the baby was everything I could readily find on through and the desire would leave alcohol and alcoholism. My father is me. I kept active-that’s not hard

with nine kids, but I found I had to Yes, AA and God got me sober. do other things besides housework. And because of that I wake up in the There were a lot more ways: meet- morning with hope and love and ings where I aired my alcoholic prob- faith in my heart. I look at the dawn lems, reading the Big Book which as a beautiful thing. I go to bed at many times gave me the answers and night tired, but feeling good because talking to others, learning their prob- I have accomplished something. If lems and learning what might have nothing else, I have been sober. happened to me. M. B. C., Phoenix, Aria

August 1963 k

to “await.” I fitted in there like a My name is. . . square peg in a round hole but anyway my drinking did quiet down a bit. A beautiful baby boy was born. My mother was there to take the responsibility. I was too busy-off drinking mostly. At this point I

BILLIE drank between drunks. Full moon or rainy days I had to go to town ( I did take my heavy drinking away from home). In good time I had two daughters born to me. They were beautiful and healthy in spite of me. My sis- it was years before I could cry ter came to live with me and help again. I remained more or less in a my mother with my responsibilities. drunken stupor from April to No- There was also a hired woman, so vember, 1942, when I found myself that I could be free to go when I in the medics in service. This was wanted to. another form of escape. I really

M Y name is Billie and I am a gal alcoholic. Mine is a tale with many hills and valleys. My ma, so with this in hand I was going to become a “noble character.” Character 1 became, although not a My Navy husband was killed in March, 1942, and I chose not to believe the piece of paper that hoped to be killed. My last year of service found me experiencing blackouts and my fears began. Fear drinking started, you might say, at noble one. Two and a half years brought me the news. I wanted to of what? I don’t know except of the my father’s table. Being a French- later 1 was asked to leave the hos- believe that it was a mistake, so I unknown. I came out of service and man, he had wine at table and I was pital I had entered for nurse’s train- used the only eraser I had-a bottle. really went to the toboggan ride. allowed a glass at meals. This was ing. Why? 1 drank, and always at I drank around the house some and Back in New York City again I the beginning and the end of my the wrong time. waited for news of the mistake. My married a stranger and blamed him . “social” drinking. What next? Marriage. I was for- mother suggested I go to Boston to for my degradation. It wasn’t him My party drinking started in my tunate in that I found someone who attend some business there. I did, at all, of course-just me and the teens; in fact I wouldn’t go to a loved me as much as I did him and but the only business I attended to bottle. Once I tried to straighten out party unless I could drink. My he could afford me. Life for awhile was that of lifting my elbow. I re- and go back to work. That was father, whom I adored, had passed was a bowl of cherries-parties, mained in a stupor until I received when I really discovered I was away and Mother had no control parties and parties. Up and down a telegram to come home at once. hooked by the bottle just as an over me. I earned my own way (I the Eastern seaboard we traveled or, In a real foggy state I went. What addict is hooked by the needle. I was a dancer) so therefore was in- I should say, he traveled. I stag- had been my home had burned to had tried to go back to nursing and dependent. My career in show busi- gered. He thought I was cute and the ground. They told me that when because of my behavior I was ness was a long drag uphill and even bragged of his baby-doll’s ca- the ashes yere cool enough they stripped of the right to ever practice when I arrived on top I got drunk pacity. I did all I could to give him would remove the remains of my as a nurse again. That night was my and because of my drinking went something to brag about. mother and three children. My hate first attempt at suicide. I was to try downhill and out of the business- Then fate stepped in and I was for people started on that horrible to take my own life two more times. but fast! I had a high school diplo- sent to the hills of New Hampshire day. My faith in God was gone and I got acquainted with the lock-up.

I’ve been mugged and fingerprinted. step by step. I used the words How low can you get? “change the things I can” and I I went further, and my last drunk changed my marital status. I got a I don’t ever want to forget. As long job as a hospital aide and worked as I remember the. unadulterated as such, went to meetings every Hell I was in, it’s a guarantee 1’11 not night and finally decided to retake a drink today. On my last marry. Whom did I pick? An active drunk, my home was on a dirty alcoholic, of course. On telling him stoop of an empty loft building way about myself, I broke down and downtown. The “things” were with cried and that night and the followme, I heard them. I saw them. ing night at meetings I felt and Someone came along and took me knew there was a Presence there. I off that stoop and took me to the had really come back home. My municipal home for women. There fears have been replaced by faith, were more and worse horrors but my hate has turned to love for my that was the end of my drinking. fellowmen. I pray for a knowledge My material goods were the of “Thy will not mine.” I know it clothes I had on. Friends, none; was His will when I was accepted self-respect, none; weight, 85 lbs. back into my profession. I am now and absolutely no faith in God’or a practicing R.N. working with two man. This was very poor material to wonderful doctors who understand. work with but AA made me whole My husband has been a member (in again. I really came to my first meet- good standing) of AA since Januing with the thought that maybe the ary, 1950. people could help me enough to die How can anyone speak-much sane. That was in October, 1947. less write–of the gratitude a per- It was a long hard road back to son like me can feel? I do know eating, sleeping and trying to think that I was lost to myself and the like a normal person, but I had world and God. AA found me and many helping hands to hold on to. brought me back. Oh, those wonderful people! They God bless you all. guided me every inch of the way B. B., Dobbs Ferry, N . Y .

October 1963

couldn’t live for today because it improvement over my past behavior. was always tomorrow when I came Anyway, I certainly knew why 1 to. I didn’t dwell on the past. I took the second drink and the next, couldn’t even remember it. I had and the next, and the next and did my hands full living just one day at not remember why or when I took a time, staying alive, that is, and I the last one. couldn’t see why I bothered. And I never knew why I swal- I didn’t need a capsule for my lowed the fly. Eventually I swalspace flights, although I understand lowed nearly all the horse and nearone can get pretty high on them, too. ly “died, of course.” My last big My space ships were not called binge was a nightmare of dreadful “Friendship” or “Faith” nor did hues. they enhance my popularity much. Then AA came into my life. AA 1 called them Old S………. B ………. has taught me many things. Among and Old H ………. & H ……….. Here them are: my comparison with Mr. Astronaut 1. If I don’t swallow that fly (that begins to differ. No matter how first drink) I won’t ever have to WHO KILLED THE OLD LADY? high I got, nobody turned on any lights for me. In fact, most people swallow the horse, and “die, of course.” turned them off when they saw me 2. To swat that fly by asking God coming. I wondered a great deal to help me stay sober each morn- Was it that fly (the first swallow), “where everybody went.” I was ing and to thank Him each or the horse she used for a chaser? amazed how many “normal” drink- night. ers go home. I just went. 3. That an alcoholic can get too

L IKE the old woman in the ballad, “She swallowed a fly and never knew why; She swallowed a spider a shot of alcoholic fuel and blasted off right on schedule and, as usual, misfired. But I ciid often see little sparkly particles. I fell down a lot and bumped my head a lot. One com- “high” even sober. To stay “down to earth” and let some non-alcoholic go to the moon if to catch the fly;” (a bird to catch The story of one of our flights pensation: I didn’t mind icy, slip- he wants. the spider; a cat to catch the bird; a into space sounds strangely familiar. pery Colorado winters the way I do 4. To stop being resentful. dog to catch the cat and so on). She The astronaut left the earth on a now. I fell down nearly all the time 5. To listen to the advice of the finally wound up swallowing a Tuesday morning, passed into anyway. AA taught me one great sober AA members about me. horse. “She’s dead, of course. But Wednesday three times and re- truth: It hurts to fall down sober. I 6. To look UP for His ever-present she never knew why she swallowed turned into Tuesday afternoon. don’t fall down much any more but help and guidance. the fly.” I’ve often wondered if she Part of the time he was in the I still feel guilty when I do. I still 7. That nobody ever took a drink was an alcoholic. future, part in the past and was yet feel as if I should be penalized or out of a CORKED bottle and that I never knew, either, why I swal- in the present. It was common for request the balloon test. AA will help me keep that bottle . lowed the first drink when I knew me to start off on Saturday and Where did I lose the Old Lady corked. what was going to happen if I did. pass-out into a month of Sundays. and the Fly? I digress, but that’s an M . U., Boulder, Colo. That first drink was the detonator I couldn’t tell the past from the cap that set off the dynamite. I just present or the present from the sat there on my pad and tossed off future. I was way-out anyway. I

October 1963

So what happened when every- and to change the things that she thing didn’t go just right and every- could. one didn’t think just as I did? I Her talk freed me and I was able resented it. I got drunk. This lasted to see myself and understand what only over a week end and one holi- I was beating my head against all day. Again I went back. of the time. I had never learned to Unpretty Past Those weren’t very long “slips” for a person who is used to going on forgive myself for the person alcohol had made me become. I had three- to six-month binges, but AA never learned to be completely honhad interfered with my drinking. est with myself. I never lied to other Had 1 not had two doses of AA to people any more, but I had never sort of counteract my drinking, I been honest with me and, as a re- After two relapses, I heard the AA talk would probably still be “going to sult, my foot kept slipping off the town,” or in a hospital somewhere. Twelve-Step ladder and I could not that freed me for recovery in the present In my case, having drunk so stead- make any progress. ily and for such a long period of 1 had never honestly taken the time, I was quite desperate when I first three Steps-I had admitted came into AA. I was so desperate from the rostrum that I was an alspeakers who didn’t know what I HAVE listened to and read quite a bit about people who have had slips and people who have never they were talking about because they didn’t agree with my way of that someone made the mistake of saying “out of such desperation for sobriety, you should never have a coholic but never honestly to myself, because I felt to admit it was to admit I had been a failure. I had had slips. One woman once said, thinking; couldn’t understand why slip.” Me slip? Never. I had found not honestly admitted to myself that “I just can’t comprehend a slip.” people could laugh at someone who what I wanted: to work the Twelve my life had become unmanageable. Another said, “If I had a slip, I was drinking; why the talks were Steps in my own way. God to me had always been could never come back; therefore continually on the past when I had That was before 1 found out I someone who was to be feared. 1 don’t dare have a slip.” been taught to forget the past. What could have stinking thinking long Now I know He is One who is lov- As a person who has “slipped” I happened? The resentments built up before 1 had stinking drinking, but ing-how else could I have come would like to open my big mouth inside of me, and were the most the thinking can sure play the devil through all of these bumps of life , and even if it won’t help anyone perfect excuse to get drunk, and with the mind. Now I am able to and into AA? How else could I be ‘ else, it will help me just to write how I could find excuses! notice the change in personality be- sitting here writing if there wasn’t a about it. The drunk lasted only for a week fore taking the “slip” drink. It be- Power higher than myself that has 1 am forty-two (how honest can end. 1 went back. Stayed “dry” for gins to change when my thinking kept me alive when so many times a woman get?) and drank from the two months and twenty-nine days begins to change. I tried to do away with myself? He time I was eighteen until June of again. This time I would work the Finally, at the Corpus Christi forgave me so why wasn’t I able to 1960. I contacted AA and stayed program in a different way. I didn’t Jamboree in 1961, I heard a woman forgive myself? on a pink cloud for two months and get on a pink cloud, but 1 became a get up and talk, with complete hon- I took the Fifth Step in full. What twenty-nine days. Suddenly I de- fanatic about the spiritual side of esty, about the road I had been the program and read everything a relief when things are done honcided that I had the program down down. She and I had traveled down that 1 could get my hands on. I be- estly. Now I take a daily inventory. pat. I attended four meetings a the same path-she learned to forweek; took everyone’s inventory but came so saturated that I became Each night I say, “What did I do give herself and to accept the things today or think today that made this mine; decided there were too many water-logged. in her life that she couldn’t change day go as it did?” Some things I

have to change and some things I the program; you’ll never slip,” I just have to accept. open the door and look at my last I have a lot of things to straighten two slips. That’s enough. out. When anyone says, “You don’t The only thing I can say is, look or act like an alcoholic,” my “Thank you, God.” I am grateful blood runs cold and I open the for my sobriety today and for AA door to the past and take a peek. that makes it possible for me to That is all I need to do. know how to stay sober today. When I hear, “You’re really on L. H., Corpus Christi, Texas

December 1963

The Christmas Fighters the rebels. “It’s so commercial,” I CC T HE thing I’m really dreading: said Recently Divorced, “is Christmas.” would begin. “Disgusting and cornmercial!” There usually was a com- “Dreading Christmas?” asked mercial, piping cheerily and oblig- Recently Sober. “What about New ingly from a radio or TV set in the Year’s Eve?” background, “X number of shop- Since this conversation took place ping days until Christmas,” to lend in August, one might seriously won- support to my words. “Listen to der if it weren’t a slight case of mis- that,” I would say. “Just .listen.” placed anxiety. But to the really Of course I wasn’t the only one. dedicated Christmas Fighter, time There were plenty of voices raised is not an object. I know. I used to in protest, and still are. “How cornbe one. mercial!” they cry up and down the True, I didn’t usually start ful- land as they pour over the cataminating until the Monday after logues to decide what to buy, and Thanksgiving when the turkey ad- thumb through the ads to decide vertisements came down and the what to ask for, or get trampled in- Santa Clauses went up all over New to insensibility in the merry free-for- York City. And the wreaths. And all that is known as Christmas the bells. And the trees. Off with Shopping. the yellow and brown, on with the Perhaps there are some purists red and green. And in my case, up who eschew all that, ask not and

give not and let December twenty- ing that the holidays were a tricky fifth go by. ( I heard of a lady, not time for us, which is perhaps true, quite a purist, who shopped and in the beginning, laden as they are sent her presents in July with a “Do with old associations, obligations or, go and get one.” We rushed out “Well,” he said, “I guess it’s all not open until Christmas” written perhaps, new loneliness. So I armed and picked and chose and haggled right if it’s us.” So it was decided. firmly on the outside so she could myself for the “tricky time,” ad- with the sidewalk -tree people, and Inasmuch as we were all avowavoid her holiday hysteria.) vanced towards it with all my AA then we picked and chose and edly Against Everything, the ques- But most Christmas Fighters reinforcements, phone numbers, and haggled some more over ornaments, tion of presents was not even disaren’t that well organized. My own Slogans, which was fine then and a and whether snow or no snow would cussed. So when I got my next rebellion was a sort of over-all good idea. But the militant mood be better, and whether it would be inspiration I didn’t even fight it. “I dragging of the feet, shopping too persisted in the intervening years. more fun with lights. Perhaps that’s never said I wouldn’t,” I told mylate rather than too early, thus miss- And then, suddenly, everything the key word: fun. I t might have self, and plunged off into the depths ing the worst of the rush, but also changed. The family that had been for fun, that tree. Anyhow we of the Five-And-Ten, looking for missing the best of the things I seemed as immovable as the rock of got our selections back to the apart- jokes, odds, ends and trinkets that wanted to buy. Not wrapping any- Manhattan itself dispersed in one ment and invited some neighbors would fill two Christmas stockings. thing until I was en route in a taxi- short year. One branch went to over, and then another AA friend, When I got it all home I had too cab, if I could get a taxicab, and Hawaii, another to Vermont, a and soon the place was full of much for the red mesh socks the then letting it all go with some third just decided to get out of people deciding first that the star Five-And-Ten doles out, but I re- ,’ creased paper and a bit of tape. town for the holidays. Christmas at the top was boring, then decid- membered a pair of red tights some- Complaining to some members of became a blank, just another twenty- ing it wasn’t. one had given me the year before the family about having to cope four hours I could do with as I Once the tree was up in all its (wrong size, unreturned) and I with other members of the family. wished. Go to friends, not go to glory, another idea developed. I had filled both legs, marked them “His” Being late for Christmas dinner, friends, go to church, go to the two AA friends whose reservations and “Hers” and put them under slow to open my presents and dread- movies-it was up to me. I began about the holidays were as tried and the tree, laughing immoderately. ing the moment when others opened to heave a sigh of relief but it turned true as my own, confirmed Christ- But on Christmas morning when I the haphazard ones I gave. (And into a sigh that was oddly bereft; mas Fighters of the old school. walked sleepily into the living room yet once upon a time, as a child, I and then I started to behave in a One had a Family Affair to face up to start getting breakfast and saw had made my presents by hand, most peculiar way. It was not to in the afternoon; the other, as a the tree, the decorations and the wrapped them elaborately, and planned, or thought out, or delib- matter of conviction and resolve, “stockings,” the whole effect brought stayed awake all night. What had erate. It was instinct, impulse, spon- had Nothing To Do. I called them me up short. Supposing they didn’t happened, that now made it all so taneity revived; a motor that had both. “I know how Against Every- laugh. Supposing Family Affair just gray? been dormant since childhood thing we all are,” I started out, “and got m o r e depressed, supposing I couldn’t put it all down to my turned over and began to cough a how-we hate the phony sentimen- Nothing To Do got indignant. The drinking days, although the last little, chug once or twice, and fi- tality and all, but I’ve got a plan. doorbell rang. It was a little late holiday before I came into AA was nally catch on. A hum filled a silent Maybe if just the three of us did to worry. certainly the original gray Christ- space. something on Christmas Day, it There they were: Family Affair, mas. My hands shook so I could not The first sign of it came about would be fun. How about breakfast a little in the vanguard, a square open the mound of packages pre- two weeks before C-Day. I was at my place?” “Perfect,” said package grasped firmly in both . pared for me; Christmas dinner was sitting in my apartment with an AA Family Affair. “It’ll give me the hands. obviously the spokeswoman. an endless ordeal. The next year, friend and I said: “Listen, I haven’t strength to face the rest of it.” “I know how – ~ ~ a i n s t Everything very new in AA, I remember hear- had a Christmas tree for ages. Let’s Nothing T o Do was more cautious: we all are,” she began, “but I hap-

pened to be in a hardware store and real joy, alas, also gives a wide I know you need these and would berth to the sulker, the foot dragnever have the sense to go get ger, the complainer and the worrier. them.” She pressed the package on There seems to me now no more me. “It’s not sentimental,” she fin- point to being joyless on Decemished briskly, “it’s coffee filters.” ber twenty-fifth than to wake up Nothing To Do was more laconic. and deliberately encourage a bad “Here,” he said, handing me a small humor on any other day of the oil painting of bright spring flowers, year. Christmas holds the same executed and framed by himself. promise as a faultless Spring day. Since he is an artist by profession, And the same goes for New Year’s this was quite a present. For one Eve, Labor Day, the Fourth of ghastly moment I felt my eyes fill- July, your anniversary, my birthing with tears, but then, luckily, day. You never know until you go they both caught sight of my Christ- out to meet it what any given day mas trappings in the living room. is going to be, but the way you go Following a stunned moment of to meet it surely makes a differdisbelief, they burst out laughing. ence. As we all remember from ex- Breakfast was one of the highly perience, a change in attitude can successful social events of that sea- have effects more radical than a son. change in external circumstances. What came back to all three of And so, dear Recently Divorced us that year (the motor that started and dear Recently Sober, though I to hum again) was, of course, that know how Against Everything we much maligned X factor, the Christ- all are-the very best of us, at mas Spirit. I didn’t figure that out moments (and yes, these are “tricky for myself. Another AA friend to times” for us)-still, we are also for whom I described our odd celebra- the joy of living or we wouldn’t be tion, explained it for h e . “It wasn’t here, wouldn’t have picked up this odd,” she said, “it just worked be- magazine to read, wouldn’t know it cause it was spontaneous. It was the existed. The Christmas Spirit is just spontaneity that made it. Nobody another evidence of that joy. So why was obliged to do anything. There fight it? Let go and let Santa Claus. weren’t any preconceived notions. To the rest of the membership Everybody just did what came nat- who are galloping full tilt towards urally.” the holidays, arms outstretched to If joy eludes the noise maker and embrace it all, I say, “Wait for me cheer leader at your average party, this year-I’m coming too!” E. M . V . , Quogue, N . Y .

December 1963

writer as a thirteen-year-old would been doing an hour or so before. in her diary. (You’ve noticed the And when I sat down at my typemovies with titles like “I was a writer, by golly I was Edgar Allan Teen-age Werewolf”? I’m qualified Poe! I could write when loaded. to do a companion piece called, If I sensed trouble ahead, why, “I was a Thirty-One-Year-Old that was part of the game, an out- Teen-ager.”) This chapter in my standing charm of the legend. Oh, memoirs, all about the man that got the wistful, fated feeling about all away, naturally could be written those gay nights in New York only with the assistance of a few speakeasies, Left-Bank bistros, Irish drinks (at that early stage in the pubs, Spanish cafCs. Oh, the elegant game, a reckless three or four). Gothic gloom in Edgar’s daguerre- THAT NOBLE THIRST When I reread my masterpiece the next morning, with no hangover, I otyped face. Oh, the tragic Greco- New England grandeur of the On living’ it up like the big-time boozers – approved the style at the outset and O’Neill family saga. killed myself laughing at the finish. But I never made any of those when you can hardly keep it down It was a crying jag on paper. I scenes. The dramatic finale was not slipped the last sheet into the ma- for me. When I got up out of bed a bush-leaguer among big-leaguers; W HAT a pleasure to follow a whim! At two o’clock in the morning, I got out of bed, went into but I was thoroughly taken in by the legend of the romance of alcoholchine and typed ceremoniously: “I must make a note: I am not Edgar Allan Poe. I cannot write when to drink, the lovely light had gone out; I might as well have been a hospital patient roused for everythe kitchenette and put rye, water ism. Of course, the magnificent loaded.” four-hour medication. When time and ice into an Old-Fashioned glass, drunk of the legend is usually a The document was buried in the for the next dose came, I had lost then settled down beside the desk man. The idea of being surrounded home file, but the project suggested my membership in the club; I was in my one-room apartment with the by men (if only in spirit) didn’t in the postscript stayed alive and merely wondering whether the predrink, a cigarette and a book. I felt bother me at all. Like the lady poet, flourished through the next ten breakfast slug would stay down. delightfully secretive, splendidly ad- I thought that a candle burning at years. It brightened the 2 A.M. Occasionally, 1 didn’t get to the venturous. Outside my window, the both ends gave a lovely light. The noble thirst of novelists and mudrinks, which I thought were just bathroom fast enough. . city was quiet; the tall apartment whims. It even gave zest to the first No matter how loaded, I couldn’t houses were dark; the street lights sicians, painters and playwrights, I pre-breakfast drinks, which I knew Write like the genius I wasn’t. I shone on deserted sidewalks. All the believed, was part of their courwere practical necessities. From my couldn’t even write like the comdull conventional souls were asleep, ageous insistence on knowing every kitchenette window, I looked down petent hack I was. In fact, I couldn’t while I was awake, one of the sensation. So there I was at 2 A.M., on all the ordinary characters hur- write at all. So I called AA. Reglorious company of free souls who alone in my apartment, living life rying to the office while I. far above stored to health after three dry have roistered through the ages with to the full. the rut, was gallantly joining an in- weeks, I left the colorless nonbottle in hand. The tie-up between alcoholic drinking and lusty creativity was ternational, all-era club. I was out drinkers and tried to rejoin the I lifted my glass to them all, of the bush leagues! When I finally glorious company. I didn’t make it, from Omar Khayyam to Dylan not a brand-new idea. It had ocwent to work, I floated along the and a second failure showed me Thomas, from Stephen Foster to curred to me at least ten years before, when, at the end of a trivial street hiding wicked amusement which crowd I belonged with. Yet F. Scott Fitzgerald. With proper over the contrast between my re- at the start of my true AA membermodesty, I classified myself as only love affair, I confided in my typespectable appearance and what I’d ship I still felt that I was in exile. I

still thought there was a special brand of high-class alcoholism reserved for the talented and the famous. Now, at five years’ distance, I think the whole legend is a fake. Who sold a bill of goods to this willing sucker? Maybe it. was the biographers, mostly innocent nonalcoholics. They dramatize the lust for life and the weltschmerz and leave out the vulgar symptoms resembling ma1 de mer. I suspect that genius has ever come out of a occasionally F. Scott Fitzgerald bottle. When a drinking artist has ond thought, I had better just ap- As the fifth chapter of the Big didn’t get to the bathroom fast to face the actual business of getting pend a scholarly footnote: See Book says, we in AA “are not enough, either. They tell us that himself and his ideas down on paper “Macbeth,” Act 11, Scene 111. saints.” And not many of us are Stephen Foster drifted into the be- or canvas, I believe he succeeds in Another civilian playwright states poets. Some of us once tried to take yond murmuring something about spite of, not because of, his al- the opposite case: In “Our Town,” a vague abstraction called “life” in “dear hearts and gentle people.” coholism. I lift a respectful coffee Thornton Wilder asks, “Do any hu- great, thirsty gulps, and we choked Was it possible to die that grace- cup to the drunks who have been man beings ever realize life while on it. Now we try to get the full fully at Bellevue Hospital in 1864? brave enough and stubborn enough they live it – every, every minute?” savor out of the only reality, the Perhaps the con men are the to overcome wobbly quill pens, and answers, “No . . . The Saints small moment called “now.” artists themselves, who need to jus- shaky brushes, scattering thoughts, and poets, maybe-they do, some.” J . G., Manhattan, N . Y . tify their drinking as much as any dry heaves, all the humiliating hanof us do but who can give that jus- dicaps that make dignity impossible tification the persuasive force of even in an authentically tragic situgenius. How exquisitely Omar mis- ation. labeled the old jug. How beauti- As for living life to the full, fully Eugene O’Neill used “The Ice- somebody please tell me why this man Cometh” to immortalize the is a popular recipe: Inhale large old club cheer: “We might as well quantities of a chemical guaranteed be drunk as the way we are.” to dull all senses and reduce all Certainly, the great ones made capabilities. A pretty fair playwright capital of their alcoholic experi- named Shakespeare wasn’t taken in. ence. What other source would they Evidently a non-alcoholic himself, have but their own lives? What he is said to have spent a lot of time other outlook but their own, how- watching Marlowe and the other ever distorted by alcohol? My friend boys belting it at the Mermaid Bar Edgar apparently got some of his and Grill. In the Porter’s speech on best story material out of the DTs. the effects of alcohol, Shakespeare But I do not believe either talent or wrote: “Lechery, sir . . .” On sec-

January 1964

But something was wrong. I alized that this was happening to My name is – didn’t really want people around me because I was not competent to me too much. I didn’t like them any live with my fellow man and had more. I had become critical and become unacceptable to society. resentful. I knew, of course, that in I stayed in the hospital six the past four or five years I was months. The doctors nursed me drinking more and more but there back to physical health. They

RUTH were so many “reasons” for it. The war, a series of unhappy events such as come to all of us, and didn’t everyone drink a little too much showed me the way to some selfassurance. They made me feel they cared that I was sick and that they cared that I get well. I felt prooccasionally? tected, and I desperately needed to. The personality change was subtle 1 found some sense of well-being, and terrifying. The insidious de- the first in many years. I tried very terioration of integrity was incred- hard to be honest with my doctor; ible. I found, suddenly it seemed but I knew nothing of self-honesty, to me, that my husband and I didn’t and so I lied to him. I learned much M Y world said I couldn’t be an alcoholic. And I agreed. Let’s take a look at it. with each other and that rather rare ability to do so. Before my marriage I did not like each other any more. I was lying, hiding my whiskey, fighting from these people but I couldn’t use it at that time for I hadn’t identified Mine was a healthy, happy child- drink, but as our social pattern be- him and life every step of the way. it with my problem, ,alcoholism. At hood. My family was comfortable came established I soon came to The progression at this point was one point my doctor asked me what materially and my mother was an enjoy the cocktails which were a appallingly swift. The time came I wanted most j n life and my intelligent woman with a fine set of part of most of our gatherings. Life when 1 knew I had alienated Dick, answer was, “To do the best I can values which she passed on to me. was good! my family and the community. I with what I have to work with.” It I reached my teens with a sincere It was some twelve years later, was alone. It was then that I agreed still is. At another point he asked liking of people. I had no feelings when Dick and I moved to a small to psychiatry. I knew I was sick but me what I considered my therapy at of inadequacy and I mixed well with town in Utah, that we began to no- I didn’t know how or why. I knew the hospital to be. After some the groups I encountered. The tice a change in our relationship to nothing of alcoholism and it never thought I concluded it was an in- .world appeared to me to be a happy each other and our acquaintances. occurred to me that drinking played ventory and reappraisal of Ruth. place. I was eager to meet its chal- We had planned for a long time and any part in all this. To me, it was a All this I was to learn in AA. When lenge and hopeful of living an inter- with great eagerness toward this result of the things that were hap- it was obvious that there was nothesting and useful life. My marriage, goal. I had looked forward to life in pening to me. ing more to do psychiatrically for at the age of twenty-three, was more a small community-anticipating a I became a patient in a highly me and it was time for me to leave than fortunate. It was incredibly useful and full life with interesting qualified psychiatric hospital in the the hospital, Dick and my doctor wonderful. It was founded on real people and a wealth of new friends. Midwest. I knew nothing of such decided it was unwise for me to love and devotion and I admired and Everything was just as we had things at that time. As I walked return too soon to our home so we respected my husband. We liked hoped. Or I thought it was. We through the door that day and took an apartment in New York, the same things; we reacted much were accepted quickly, there was watched the white-jacketed attend- where business often took Dick. I the same way to people and to the much to do, the desert and moun- ant lock the door behind me, I was horribly afraid. I knew I wasn’t things that happened to us. We had tains were unbelievably beautiful. reached my bottom. The terror and really any different inside. I was still the mutuaI desire to communicate Shangri-La! horror I felt were shattering; I re- lost; I was still alone. ,

At the end of ten days of this that. 1 knew my life was unmanage- AA was giving up on me. And to soften the unpleasantness of liv- “new start in life,” and upon Dick’s able. But I could not, and would when, during the first and last con- ing and eventually to hide from what first trip away from New York, I not, identify with the man who sold sultation with the psychiatrist, he I had become. took my first drink in six months. blood for money to buy Sneaky suggested Antabuse, I agreed. This I consider my alcoholism a gift. After five days I found myself sit- Pete, or the woman who had been was not easy for me for I had had For, you see, I thought that growing ting on my bed calling Alcoholics arrested for public intoxication. a down-the-nose, superior attitude up was an automatic process. I Anonymous. It is incredible to me These things had not happened to toward my AA acquaintances who didn’t know that growing up is a now that I had so much difficulty me for I had withdrawn to the pro- had resorted to this medication. spiritual experience, that it is beaccepting AA’s flat statement about tective, hidden confines of my home “One does this one’s self,” said I, longing to the human race and being the first drink, for that one led to where, by myself, I could not recog- “and with the help of AA.” But it grateful to God for it. I am glad the sickest five days of my life. I nize the “Mrs. Hyde” that I had was the breakthrough. It left my and grateful for the experiences that do not know how I was guided to become. mind free of indecision. I was able brought me to AA where I have AA. I no longer demand intellectual I have learned that the miracle to hear differently. I was able now been given the opportunity to do or analytical explanations. I have of AA is that it works for us be- to feel hope rather than fear. I was the best I can with what I have to learned of God’s Grace. fore we have the ability to work it able to think. I needed Antabuse work with; where I have been able Intergroup sent a woman to see ourselves. Even though I continued only about two months. to reclaim the set of values I once me. Again I felt that someone cared to nip, with occasional overnight I know, now, that because I did had; where these values have been that I suffered. She spent many binges; even though I was lying to not know about the compulsive na- augmented and expanded. hours with me that day. She said my sponsor and to my AA friends, ture of alcoholism and the chemical Yes, I am grateful to AA, for it very little, but I felt her compassion I was beginning to hear what they change that occurs within our was through these people that I was and understanding. She took me to were trying to tell me. Although I bodies, I’ became unwittingly and able to accept the hand of God that my first meeting that night. When have never heard “my story,” bit unknowingly an alcoholic. Not in- was always waiting for me. I am we walked into the meeting room by bit I have heard the story of my nocently, however. Willfully! For in convinced that if I live the Twelve of an old church in Harlem, I found personality change, of my character the beginning I enjoyed it-I had Steps and practice these principles I was the only person of my race defects, and of my failures. I heard fun. Later, as the personality change to the best of my ability each day, there. I saw shining, compassionate the story of my inability to be the began to take place, I used alcohol my spiritual horizons are unlimited. eyes and I heard the tenderness and kind of person I had always hoped R. M.,Moab, Utah kindness in voices. The next night to be. I heard about my ego. And I we attended the meeting of a heard about the Grace of God. But Spanish-American Group. All three still I nipped. 1 misused the tools; T talks were made in Spanish. I don’t turned them against myself. I heard understand the language but I got constantly, “This is an individual the message! I felt what they said; I program.” “Do it your own way.” saw what they were telling me. But I was doing it the way I wanted I didn’t do well with the pro- -and there’s a big difference. I gram, although I attended meetings still could not recognize a Higher every night for months. I could not Power; I still could not accept God’s identify with a major premise of Grace. AA-that I was powerless over al- The time came when my sponsor cohol. The second part of the First suggested I return to psychiatry. I . S t e p a h yes, I could identify with was terribly frightened. I felt that

February 1964 A ‘ –

it better than anyone else, in fact. My name is – (I always thought I could do anything anyone else could do, and do it better. I sometimes find myself thinking a little bit that way even now; I stop still, take one look in the mirror, and say, “Easy does it,

ROSE old girl; you can’t think that way any more.”) As part of “adjusting” myself to going in the service so we moved to living a married life again, I de- St. Louis to be near his folks. They cided not to drink any more. But were nice in-laws and they thought my husband had a suggestion: it a lot of me. In fact, they thought I was O.K. to drink with him at home was what I really wasn’t. I led a on weekends or at parties, but not . I BEGAN to qualify for AA membership when I was only eight. My step-daddy was a bootlegger; riding into town with my brother and an uncle. On the way they stopped by a friend’s house and very good life when my father-in- O.K.to go out and buy a bottle mylaw, a Methodist minister, could see self. I agreed to the plan with all my me. But Oh, the night life! (Some- heart. It worked for two weeks. my mother, may God bless her, bought a pint jar of corn liquor. I how, I always managed to be able We, or rather he, would buy a was one of the sweetest, most re- was put in the back seat of the car; to go to teach Sunday School with fifth on Friday night. Saturday ligious women in the world. She had that’s where they put the booze. him, hangover and all.) morning it was gone. He never been widowed while still very young They kept stopping by other friends’ The reason I gave to myself for bought more than just the one fifth. and she had four children to raise. houses and would go in ‘for little drinking at this stage was that, with I found out pretty quickly how She remarried. It wasn’t until after chats, leaving me in the car. Every my husband away in the service, 1 much of it he could drink: too the wedding that she found out the stop, I pried the lid off the jar. I was lonely. I would sit up at night much. So I had to buy my own fifth man she had married was a boot- was having a ball, all right, but reading- four or five books in a and hide it from him. legger. He made a good home for when we got home I was a mess. night. I never got sleepy; alcohol My husband always stopped after us though, and it wasn’t his fault I My brother went looking for the affected me the other way: I stayed his one Mth was gone. He could became a customer of his so soon. pint of booze; he found it A.G. wide awake; I never went to bed put on the brakes. He never missed I’d been watching him hide some (all gone). This was another blow until the booze was all gone. If a day’s work. He wasn’t an alky. I booze under the house one day. As to my family. Here I was, only ten there was a pint, I stayed up half tried to put on the brakes too, but soon as he was out of sight, I years old, and I had drunk a half- the night. If there was a fifth, I mine wouldn’t hold. crawled under after it. I don’t re- quart of corn whiskey. stayed up all night. And early the It took my husband two years to member crawling out except that My older sister and brother went next morning I would be counting find out how I managed to stay somehow I ended up on the floor of on to college. They each married the seconds on the clock until the drunk from Friday night until Monmy sister’s bedroom. My mother and settled down soon thereafter. I drug store opened and I could get day morning (sometimes Tuesday) and stepfather found me there; I finished high school, got drunk, a bottle for that day. Things went on that one fifth he bought. When was tried and convicted. I got out sobered up a little, then got mar- on like this until the war was over he did find out I was buying my of it by promising not to do it ried. Before it was over, the poor and my husband came home. own, he stopped bringing any liquor again. guy I married had a time with me! He found me still teaching Sun- home. We were going on the wagon, When I was ten, I remember It was early in the war; he was day School, priding myself on doing he said. I agreed with him, as I

always did about everything, but I had a plan. I bought bourbon by the case, left the case’ in the store (which was owned by friends) and old I went to work. I was soon back in trouble. I would leave work on pay day, stand outside the liquor store and count over my money: away from AA and drinking sherry -blackouts, waking up at night screaming. I would pray to die. My boy was too small to understand, turned everything over to the Higher Power. I had had it. Somehow I made up my mind to go to a psychiatrist. He was really -1i . ! I sneaked one bottle home at a time. just enough for groceries, and milk but he was disturbed. a wonderful guy. I believe a psy- I When he found out, we both went for my baby. At that time I thought During these years my mother, chiatrist can only help you if you back to drinking openly and made I had to have Scotch or bourbon, my sister, all my friends, took away are completely honest with him. a hell of a mess of things -for a “good stuff.” There I would stand, all my props. My mother stopped This once I didn’t hold back any- ‘ , while. counting, trying to prove there was taking the real responsibility for my thing. I poured out my whole life By this time I was working at a money enough for one of those baby. She would still take care of history, in detail. (He didn’t get to hospital and going to school to be a bottles of good stuff. I found out him while I worked, but on week- see any more patients that day.) registered nurse. (Oh, I had a great pretty soon that sherry would do ends she went away and left me He advised me to really work the imagination! I wanted to go places the trick for me. It was cheaper, home with him alone. It is hard AA program. He gave me some and be things; not do any work, even at a half-gallon a night. And I enough to take care of a baby sober. pills, too; but I didn’t take them. I just be something big.) I really had got drunker on it. Imagine trying to do it as drunk as took AA instead. a ball at the hospital. I was the When my baby was about six I was. For the first time I called my supervisor’s right hand gal -until months old, an old friend, a Baptist My friends now never seemed to sponsor instead of waiting for him I started latching on to the hospital minister who had then fifteen years have any money to lend me. Every to call me. He came over that night; alcohol. I made a business out of of sobriety in AA, dragged me to source of money was cut off except we went to a meeting. For weeks I it. Besides what I drank, I would my first meeting. I \still remember what I worked for, and that wasn’t didn’t say a word, ,just listened. I cut some and sell it to some of the things he told me. But I would only enough. I kept the house all closed, started all over again with the Steps. help in the hospital. Everything was go to meetings when he called for up. No one ever came to it except I lived and breathed the program. It fine and dandy except that we over- me and took me, never on my own. the delivery boy from the liquor is now my hope, my only hope. It did it. All of us would get so drunk I went, actually, to find out how to store. It still makes me a little sick has brought joy to me. God has and sick we couldn’t go to work for drink. I wanted to drink and not inside to tell how hopeless I felt. 1 granted me the serenity to accept days. And even in the hospital get drunk, and I went to meetings felt I hadn’t anything. I felt I was the things I cannot change, and the there’s a limit to the supply of al- with a pen and paper so I could worse off than the prodigal son. He courage to change the things I can. cohol. They noticed they were run- write down the recipe for this as had the hogs to eat with, at least. I Thanks be to the Higher Power, I ning short. Finally, I went on my soon as I heard it. had hit bottom. I looked in the mir- am sober to know the difference. vacation; the vacation never ended. I used to call what happened next ror and talked to myself. Finally, I R. M., Memphis, Tenn. There went my nursing career down a slip, but now I know I was not the drain. yet really on the program. I didn’t I made up my mind that my hus- know all the Steps; not even two. I band and I weren’t getting any- wasn’t two-stepping as we somewhere. In spite of the fact that I times say, (using just the First and was going to have a baby, I thought Twelfth Steps) I was over-stepping, , it would be best if I said goodbye to trying to change the program to old St. Louis (with my husband suit me. Finally, I stopped going to thrown in) and went home to meetings. I wouldn’t call my sponsor Mama. and I hid whenever he called. When my boy was three months I had three bad years of running

March 1964

Never did I stop unless I was I suddenly seemed to be on a toforced to. I never ,went into bars boggan-slide and couldn’t get off. alone so I didn’t have to pick up I was a completely confused alkie men to buy drinks for me. But I’m and for years I’d been afraid my an alcoholic; I had to drink, and I husband would leave me because of was getting progressively worse. I’d my drinking. When the time came reached a point where I needed a that I called AA. for help I was drink when I was alone in the eve- afraid he’d leave me because I My Easter Celebration ning (although I still told my hus- couldn’t drink with him. But I band about it). And even though I ‘ wanted sobriety so badly I was willhadn’t yet picked up any men, I re-‘ ing to take that chance; of course member sitting in a bar in Anchor- when I told him what I’d done he age, Alaska, kissing some guy in was delighted, and has never ceased an Air Force uniform. I don’t even to help and encourage me. know what he looked like but I do So you see it was only by the remember the expression in my Grace of God that I found AA and husband’s eyes when he came over sobriety. Only my Higher Power T ODAY is Good Friday, the day is my spiritual faith, and I think it’s my Saviour went to the cross very much AA. to die for my sins. That’s my re- What I was like is pretty well to say we were going home. My can keep me sober even though I’m husband didn’t look angry, just the only one who can make me ligious faith and it’s as sacred and answered in the beginning of this very sad; I was so ashamed, and drink. For many years I’d prayed personal as my own private life. story. Everything good, bad or in- thought I must be going crazy. that if God would just take away But religion isn’t AA and AA isn’t different called for a celebration A woman I know left her hus- the desire to drink, give me the religion. I’ve had the same religious and my way of celebrating was to band after she got sober because strength to say “no,” I could manbelief for as long as I can remem- get drunk. I loathed myself; I she said she couldn’t respect a man age everything else. And it didn’t ber but I didn’t stay sober. In fact, couldn’t care about anyone else. I who would take what he had. She work, I still drank. But when I Easter was one of the times I was had little or no control over myself thought he was gutless, but I think could say, “Just show me the way, certain to drink. It’s a long holiday when drinking; I was afraid to it takes tremendous courage to I can’t take any more,” I was free. weekend, and it called for a cele- drink unless my husband was with stand patiently aside while the That’s what I was like and that’s bration. Getting drunk was my way me. He’d noticed my lack of con- woman you love kisses drunken what happened. What am I like of celebrating anything. trol when we were married fifteen strangers, always hoping for the day now? I’m alive and free and I’ve Today Easter has a special sig- years before and had extracted a when she’ll be normal again. My learned to love. I look at this beaunificance for me. It calls for a very promise from me that I’d drink only husband understood better than I tiful earth and give thanks for the special celebration. In humble gra- if he was with me. I thought &.was how sick I was; I hope I never for- privilege of spending some time on titude I think of my own rebirth, pretty nice of me to be so faithful. get to be grateful. I blamed him for it. I have no. serious problems bebrought about through AA and But I nagged and argued all the my drinking when actually he was cause I give them to my Higher faith in a Higher Power. Before AA time we were together if we didn’t my only control, and that control Power and I don’t have to drink. I didn’t care about anyone, not have something to drink. I was seemed to be slipping awfully fast. K. W.,Vernon, B. C. . even myself. Today I care very twice as bad if we did and he much what happens to you and thought we’d had enough. when you’re troubled I wonder if I That awful thirst! God keep me can help, because I love you. This from the first one that starts it.

March 1964

That thought, like water to a facing reality used to conjure up in dried-out sponge, seeped through my mind a picture of someone with my being and made me feel soft and eyes like a magnifying lenses degentle and kind again. And in the signed to enlarge all the dirt in the days that followed I kept thinking: cracks of the sidewalk. Or someone “I am accepted. Just as I am, .I am with telescopic vision who could see accepted.” All the joy of sobriety that the moon was not really beaucame back just as it was in the be- tiful, but only a gob of craters and ginning, when the members of AA dust, which didn’t shine at all except THE WILL TO LIVE welcomed me into the group and I knew that I had at last found the by courtesy of the sun. I have come to believe that although reality is place where I belonged. not always pleasant or pretty – The next small link in the chain there is dirt and mud- there are “Thereare days when I’m not happy, was the day I ran across a para- fresh new violets, too, pushing up but I don’t want to be drunk.” graph from something Dostoevsky out of the earth and they are just wrote: “Life is only given to me as real. There is pain in reality, once and I shall never have it again. but there are moments of surging, I don’t want to wait for the ‘hap- buoyant joy in just being alive and piness of all.’ I want to live myself, sober. our separation is deeper than usual, . or better not live at all. . . Where I T is a strange, yet comforting, truth that whenever we hit a low period in our life in AA, when when our disgust for our own being, our indifference, our weakness, is it I’ve read that someone condemned to death says or thinks an After all, even in the physical and mental anguish of drinking, I clung to life. I have heard some members we find ourselves depressed for no our hostility and our lack of direc- hour before his death, that if he say that if they were not happy soapparent reason, sooner or later tion and composure have become had to live on some high rock on ber, they would rather be drunk. I something outside ourselves brings intolerable to us. When, year after such a narrow ledge that he’d have suppose I have said it too, but the us back up to the old feeling of joy year, the longed-for perfection of only room to stand, and the ocean, more I think about it, the more I life does not appear, when the old . in our sobriety. It’s a feeling of everlasting darkness, everlasting realize I do not agree. There are cleanness, like talcum powder after compulsions reign within us as solitade, everlasting tempest around days when I am not happy, but I a shower. It is the warmth of sun- they have for decades, when de- him, if he had to remain standing on don’t want to be drunk. It is a light through rose-stained window spair destroys all joy and courage. a square yard of space all his life, matter of survival. With us, to panes. It is love that has forgotten Sometimes at that moment a wave a thousand years, eternity, it were drink is to die, and I want to live. to be jealous and self-seeking. of light breaks into our darkness, better to live so than to die at once! Live happily if I can; but if npt, I Over the pait few months a and it is as though a voice were Only to live, to live and live. Life! still want life, the AA way of life, number of seeming chance impres- saying: ‘You are accepted. You are whatever it may be!” for this holds the only possibility sions have worked together to cre- accepted, accepted by that which is I thanked God that I had been of happiness for me. Dostoevsky’s ate such an impact on me. And now greater than you.’ We may not be given a tremendous will to live. I words reminded me to thank God I am at peace again. better than before, we may not be- know that all people are not so that I still want to live, still want I was given an article by Paul lieve more than before. But every- blessed. It takes the will to live to life, whatever it brings! Tillich to’read. I found this: “Grace thing is transformed and nothing is strikes us yhen we arch great pain demanded of this experience …. be willing to go to any lengths for sobriety, which entails, among other Then came those inspiring letters in the January, 1963 Grapevine beand restlessness, when we feel that nothing but acceptance.” t ,.a:,.al:r things, facing reality. The idea of tween Bill W. and Carl Jung. It

was Jung’s opinion that an alco- same time somehow made me r e holic’s “craving for alcohol was the aliie that I had lately been forgetequivalent, on a low level, of the ting I was not alone in the world spiritual thirst of our being for with “my problems.” More and wholeness.” He went on to say that more I had been dwelling on perone of the ways to counteract our sonal concerns, reverting to the atobsession was by the “protective titudes of a. person whose liie does , wall of human community.” I not depend on not taking that first thought how well this phrase de- drink. scribed the life-giving fellowship of I was forgetting the meaning of Alcoholics ~nonymous; it is a fellowship. The things I waxited for “protective wall of human com- myself were not wrong, but wanting munity.” I was once alone and them so much that everything else afraid. I proved over and over again was being blotted out was wrong. I that I could not stay sober on my need to remember that I am “part own; without help I was doomed. of a lifeline reaching into a morass,” Then I found AA and was not and that I have ,no right to allow alone anymore. Suddenly I was sur- anything to cast me down. For if I rounded by people who understood do, not only will .I suffer, the people me, knew all about me and loved I love will suffer. New AA members me anyway. If my steps faltered, the I am trying to help will suffer and group was all about me to share its the hundreds that they might in experience, strength and hope with their. turn help will suffer. My life me. Never in all my life had I felt -much as I value it -is not my so safe and protected, so much a own. It is a joy to remember that it part of the living stream of life. belongs to Him who gave me life Seeing the moving picture, “Days and to those who need me. of Wine and Roses” at about this Marguerite C., Austin, Texm

March 1964

Hates meetings From Chelmsford, Ont. : I have been a member of AA for this way. I like being alone. I can’t fifteen months, and I cannot attend stand a large crowd. After a meetmeetings more than once a month, ing I am so nervous and edgy I when my husband isn’t working. can’t wait to get back to the quiet We live in the country and, al- of my home. though there is a new group in the 1 have all kinds of literature and town of Chelmsford, it is over ten real old Grapevines, that were given miles and I am not able to walk to me when I first called AA. Every that far. Also out here there are no night I read them, and really I get baby sitters, so you can see the more peace of mind from them than position I am in. In all this time I I ever have from any meeting. can’t truthfully say I have ever en- I would like to say, in twenty-six joyed an AA meeting. Maybe there years since I was born, except for is something wrong but my sponsor my husband and little boy, AA is says he doesn’t think so. He advised the best thing that I can remember me to write to you, and see if I ever happening to me. I thank every could register myself as a loner. one in AA for being AA. J. G. Maybe I sound ungrateful, but I have really tried to enjoy meetings, and I can’t. I have always been

April 1964 f * ‘

“Wot hoppon?” With my head in drunk. First I got high on my new the clouds I didn’t see that air sobriety and emotionally hung over pocket. Anything that high ought to as the newness and applause wore be grounded. I forgot to keep at off. I took a shot of that first releast one foot on the ground and sentment which led to more resentcouldn’t handle the charge. ment, self-pity which led to more Actually, I believe I had stumbled self-pity, and so on and on. I did over Step Three instead of taking it. not drink or lose my sobriety but I I had not made a decision to turn certainly lost my serenity, and as :AN EMOTIONAL FALL I my life and my will over to the care my thinking got out of control so of God as I or anybody else under- did my sanity. I’ve come to associstood Him. ate sobriety with serenity. Still lurching over this Step I de- I was actually indulging in an cided to take Step Four in writing. emotional binge. 1 proceeded to cut At once I resented the obvious im- open a lot of old wounds and rub How this Humpty Dumpty put herself back together again plications of my personal inventory salt in them. I rattled the skeleton in black and white. I figured they in my closet from the head bone never made enough erasers to rub down to the toe bone. I peered out my defects of character. Timidly through my old amber-colored I crept back up on Step Three. It glasses into the bleak future. I not was a long painful haul. It then be- only invited the dark bird of des-

. I CAN’T afford to take that first drink. One drink leads to another. Then, just like St. Paul: “The Then AA comes along and hamstrings “filthy liquor” and I rejoin the human race-almost. came plain to me that only a Power greater than myself could furnish the eraser, and 1 had to do the rubbing. things I should not do, I do. The The new-found sobriety has I’m still rubbing. things 1 should do, I do not.” Just wings. My gratitude knows no Somehow I realized what was one drink and soon I’m drunk; bounds, nor am I earth bound any wrong. I had become emorionnlly mentally, emotionally, spiritually more. I soar up on eagle’s wings and physically drunk. I become and, as such sustained emotional maudlin, self-willed, self-filled-a states are impossible for long, human dynamo out of control. My Humpty Dumpty has a great emoemotions, actions and reactions run tional fall. I do not take a drink or riot. That is until utter stupor sets even desire one. Other AA memin. 1 know it all; I do it all, disregard- bers say I’m suffering from a “dry ing the welfare of everyone else. I’m drunk,” an “emotional hangover” a human marionette. Alcohol pulls from flying too high on this new the strings. I dance, I sing, I laugh, sobriety. I’m not only low but I cry. I wax eloquent or become water-logged with tears of self-pity. moody, never knowing where the The fire of enthusiasm has not only emotional wheel will stop. It all de- burnt out but I’m burnt up with repends on my higher power, alcohol. sentments.

pondency and despair back into my people or things. To make me willlife, but clipped its wings so it ing to change my attitude concerncouldn’t fly away. I took my inven- ing these things and to keep my tory and everybody else’s by re- thoughts positive and constructive. viewing all my mistakes and theirs To help me develop tolerance and as they marched by in miserable love for others, to live just for tonumbers. I began listing dreadful day, accepting the things I can’t things that might happen in the change or can’t yet change, for future. My present was so cluttered courage for this day to change the up with rubbish from the past and things I can, for wisdom to use the phantoms of the future I had no knowledge AA has given me. To room for the present. I was truly ask for His guidance in all my afout of control, reeling with self- fairs and not to expect freedom pity, resentments and stinking-think- from life’s problems but freedom ing. I was staggered, in fact, by my from the fear of life’s problems, imagination instead of alcohol. which I call serenity. It was here I decided for the first I’ve learned, when icy fear creeps time to sit firmly on the Third Step: in, when I begin to take another’s to turn my life and my will over to inventory, to feel sorry for myself God’s care and to begin to try and or resentful or fee;l the urge to tell know Him and to try to understand somebody off or to throw the whole Him and His will for me. Being an thing over, to question myself. I’ve agnostic and part-time atheist, this learned to. ask myself not WHAT’S was not easy. I first asked Him to the matter with me but WHO’S the remove my “stinking thinking” as matter with me? Is it my self or is He, through AA, had removed my it somebody else that’s doing this? I “stinking drinking.” And I came to don’t think God’s will for me is for believe, to expect that He and only me to be emotionally drunk. With He could do this if I honestly and His help and the help of AA I can sincerely desired that this be so. I become sober in thought, word asked Him to help me avoid over- and deed. reaction to upsetting situations, This I believe. M . U.,Boulder, Colo.

May 1964

I f you say an alcoholic, try saying it

OUT –

had asked me to get up and say or came along, openly and unafraid. I LOUD declare anything! Nobody had told me whether I was an alcoholic or felt brand new. Could all this have come from that simple admission, not. When I asked, the members those four little words? would just grin and say, “What do I am not trying to change the you think?” So I had to decide. And opinion of those who believe dif-

W HEN we moved from one state to another, recently, there didn’t seem to be anything different 1 knew in my bones that sooner or later I would have to declare myself. ferently. I just want to express my own beliefs on the subject. It was important for me to make that deabout the AA meetings, except that One night, to my surprise and cision to speak, and to act on it. It many of the speakers, instead of horror, I felt an urge to do just was important I face a situation I saying, “I am an alcoholic,” started that. I decided to speak. In a qua- could not change, and accept it out: “I am a member of AA.” vering voice, I asked the chairman, with all its implications. There are I began to ask questions about “What happens if my knees give no Ifs, ands or buts about it. I am this during the discussion meetings. way and I fall or stumble going on what 1 am. No need to explain or Here were some of the reasons or off the platform?” rationalize, no need to argue about given: The Big Book does not say Roy replied solemnly, “Well, it any more. we have to admit or say we are al- we’ll have to take a blood test and The Big Book does not say we coholics. Webster’s dictionary de- a breath-o-meter reading.” have to do anything, not even that fines an alcoholic as “a person ad- I did get up that night of nights, we have to stop drinking. But I dicted to the excessive use of alco- and say, “My name is M- and I am want to say, “My name is Mholic liquors,” so if we aren’t drink- an alcoholic.” I had mixed feelings; and I am an alcoholic,” out loud. ing now, we are not alcoholic and I think some of the feeling was like I know now something that I am, cannot possibly be called alcoholics. shame. Then suddenly and unex- for sure. That’s more than I did All this, at first, left me feeling be- pectedly, I was, as it were, elec- some years ago. I believe that callwildered and bemused. trified. I felt ten feet tall, bigger ing myself an alcoholic was the first I began reflecting on my early than I had ever felt in my life. This frank, honest, open admission I days in AA, wondering at what was the turning point. I had a feel- ever made about myself in all my point I had begun to gain a better ing of belonging for the first time – adult life. And AA helped me get foothold. What had been the im- a real live member of AA. I felt as honest in this way. portant turning point toward real if I’d turned my back on fear and Besides, it keeps it simple. sobriety? For some time, nobody shame and could face anything that M . U., Brighton, Colo.

June 1964

when so-and-so shook my hand and member say “Put a buck in your told me he was glad I’d come, I home group collection and if somerealized someone cared!” thing keeps you away send it in, if Do You Drift Around Most of us who went the standard pre-AA course have forgotten you want to make sure you’ll have a group to call home.” I was what a good feeling being of service shocked then, but thoroughly agree Or Take A Stand? is. The coffee detail, the ash trays, picking up the meeting room, washnow. Things won’t always go to your ing the cups, serving on committees liking in your home group. Our way may not be desirable but they are is to take our august presence An argument for having a home group beneficial. By putting something thence and change our affiliation, of ourselves into our group we again justifying it with lordly comments practice being useful. It’s another about having been told that if anystep in maturing. thing disturbs us we should withcan nip destructive moods if I rec- In order for AA to thrive, some W HAT are the advantages of a home-group affiliation for ognize them early enough, but given me? Through constant and faithful a head of steam they get beyond my simple organization is essential. Doctor Bob is widely misinterpreted draw from the situation. I submit that it’s more the mark of a man (or woman) to stay around and attendance at our home group, we control. If I’m never anything but on the “Keep it simple” bit. It’s a either modify the situation or get to know each other “like a a visitor in all groups I cannot hope fine and unarguable clincher when change his attitude. Speaking for book.” It’s inevitable in the ebb and to have this fine tocsin sounded for you’re in a corner or are trying to myself I was a chronic quitter, preflow of our emotional life that we’ll me. A subtle regression is often justify shirking your AA respon- AA. Developing some staying power have periods of stinking thinking. noticeable to others who know us sibilities. I’m sure he’s quoted out is one of the many fringe benefits If we are getting to our home group intimately before it is to ourselves. of context many a time. of my AA education. every week, some of our fellow Most alcoholics have become Let’s try to be reasonable. When Drifting around being lionized, members will have the perception highly anti-social. Home-groups af- matters of community-wide or na- called on to speak, pointed out as a and the courage to jack us up. filiation and loyalty offer us a tional AA come up I believe we shining example to the new member “What’s the matter tonight, buddy, golden opportunity to sneak back should have one vote and it should and never being expected to wash a you don’t seem quite yourself” can into the human race at our own be recorded in our home group, not cup or set up a chair, can look be the tip off for us to take an in- pace. The tentative handshake and at every meeting we attend that mighty attractive after a couple of ventory, count our blessings, and faint greeting is often all we can week. Election of group officers and years of KP in your home group. tack off on a better angle. muster in the early days, but if it’s setting up group policy should be But I think we’re missing the boat Of course, we have to choose to done on behalf of “my group’s” by the group members. “Constant if there is not one meeting a week take this inquiry in good part. If reputation as a warm and friendly visitor” is disenfranchised! where we’re part of what makes it we’re determined to wallow around group, it gives us a little more cour- I first heard in St. Louis: “Our function. Family, friends, fellow in whatever is bugging us we’ll take age. Then as we continue the asso- interest follows our money.” A members and mostly we ourselves umbrage, pick up our dolls (and ciations we sometimes get the satis- meaty phrase! Fifty cents may cover are entitled to know where we resentments) and pursue the course faction of hearing the one we your conscience as a visitor but stand, at least one night a week. to destruction. I know personally I greeted so tentatively say “and years ago I heard a tough older Ada L. W.,Rochester, N. Y. . –

June 1964

was still able to get around. I soon act. My children were old enough My name is . found that I was drinking more than to be in school almost all day long. the other women at affairs I at- My husband went to work early and tended. I began suffering blackouts. returned late. I made it a point not However, these had no sobering ef- to become too friendly with any fect on me; I learned by devious in- near neighbors. My acquaintances

ALICE quiring that my behavior was not from the other side of town were all remarkable in any way while in informed that I had moved out them. When my gait would be stag- there for my health and I was not gering it was easy to palm it off on to be disturbed unless I wished it. the fact that I had a crippling dis- I was all set with the physical surease. When my speech would be- roundings, the emotional factors of come slurred I excused it on the self-pity, resentment and an exthan were the desserts, both in the grounds that one of the symptoms tremely egotistical attitude. I had H ow often in the past have I laughed and cried alternately at what 1 considered to be the poor contemplation and the ingestion. And so with this routine nightly of MS. was slurred or slipping long since given up going to church, speech. Seeing double, a phenom- so any spiritual belief was altogether unfortunates who lived in a world and parties on weekends, I was liv- enon of drunkenness, is also treated missing. without liquor. “Oh,” I would say ing what I considered a slightly cos- in multiple sclerosis by wearing a Because the disease of alcoholism to myself, “theirs must be a dull mopolitan but, on the whole, well- patch over one eye. Although one is an insidious one I did not imand a sad world.” Now, after living ordered life. night when I fell down a circular mediately arrive at the point which almost five years without alcohol, I After about two years of this flight of stairs in my drunken state, brought me to my knees seeking find that this was only one of many type of drinking and life, complete the excuses lost a little of their help. However, like all alcoholics, distorted viewpoints of mine. To- with two children, friends, bridge punch, even to me. I got there. The ride was slippery day, with the help of AA and God playing, shopping and so on, I My health was not improving and and downhill all the way. I was a as I understand Him, this world is was taken ill. The disease was di- the life I was leading was not help- “hidden” alcoholic in the sense that . often exciting and rarely dull. agnosed as multiple sclerosis, an ing it any. My doctors felt that it I was protected by my family and As a girl who was brought up in incurable progressive disease of the was imperative that I move to a always used my illness as an excuse an atmosphere of drinking, a non- nervous system, and the prognosis one-story home where stairs would for my behavior. But when I would drinking life was unbelievable. My was eventually a wheel chair or not be a problem. By this time, I spcnd weeks at a time in bed and family had cocktails before dinner bed. Along with preventive medi- had become more and more de- all day every day drinking from at home every night and were fre- cine a daily afternoon nap was pendent on alcohol for my very life. morning to night and then get up quent hosts at cocktail and supper ordered. I discovered that I was The idea of moving away from in the night and have some more to parties. My sister and I both spent unable to relax sufficiently to rest where I had made such a fool of drink, I could no longer hide the much of our young life at country properly; I found that a glass of myself so many times was met with fact from myself that drinking had clubs where drinking was prevalent. sherry would help me with this gratitude on my part. The house we become a very real problem to me. When I married, it was to a young problem. So I moved into my next selected was ideal for a practicing My every attempt to stop was comman who was also of this set and so phase of drinking. When one glass woman alcoholic. It was in the pletely futile; the longest I ever made a part of planning meals for this no longer did the trick, two became country and remote from possible it in one day was until five P.M. young bride was also planning cock- essential. visitors. A telephone call would or- Eventually, one December morntails and hors d’oeuvres. The cock- Fortunately, I was not too severe- dinarily precede any visits. ing, I decided that there was only tails were always of more interest ly handicapped from my illness and , The stage was set for the next one way in which I could stop and

hold after just one drink, to keep my onset into AA I had faith that that was to commit myself to a pri- made a furtive trip to the library on and on and on. the answer to my drinking problem vate hospital where I would be un- and took out three books on alco- All these books said there were was there. able to get a drink. This was the holism to try to find out what it was many treatments to help the alco- As time has gone on I have bebeginning of a tremendous change and whether this could be what was holic arrest his illness, but the most come aware that even though I no that was to take place in my life. the matter with me. It was like read- successful of these was Alcoholic longer drink I will continue to have After six weeks of hospitalization 1 ing the handwriting on the wall Anonymous. So, being thirty-seven problems of one sort or another. was released, determined that liquor when I saw how the disease starts years old and not wanting to die or My illness is much improved but it ,would no longer hold me in its and where it ends. The symptoms be committed to an institution, I is still with me. I am now remarried, power but that I was going to all applied to me; I fitted the pattern made my contact with AA. to an AA, and although this is a master it. It took a few months of perfectly. The cold and hot sweats, My oldest daughter entered our happy marriage it also has had its trying to do this impossible feat the retching every morning, the ter- horses in shows; I used to go along, ups and downs. My children are before I came to the realization that rible muscle cramps in my legs at and got to know the people who better adjusted and happier but the . there was a possibility that I had night, the swollen hands and feet, regularly attended them. For the scars are still upon them from the become an alcoholic. the lizards that used to crawl on the past seven years I had observed past. My circle of friends has Not wanting anyone to know that bedclothes; but most of all the with interest a man prominent in changed and through AA I have such a thought was in my mind, I physical craving that would take these circles who did not drink. This found what true friendship means. was a rarity around horse shows; I But the most important thing of all inquired about him. The story was to me is that I have found that that’he had been a real drunk at one through AA and faith in a Higher time but had joined AA and been Power, I am more able to cope with sober for seventeen years. So when life the way it is handed to me, with- I made the decision to stop drinking out drinking. and try AA, I approached this man. After these years without a single I believe with all my heart that the drink, I look at myself today in a greatest Twelfth Step work for a very different light. I have two inrecovered alcoholic is the power of curable progressive diseases but I example. I never doubted for a mo- am very grateful that at least I have ment that AA could help me stay found the answer to one of them. sober. I had seen living proof of Finding the answer to my alcoholthis. ism is helping me with the other. A George took me to my first meet- serene but active life is the order of ing and, although I had not had a the day for both conditions and AA drink for three weeks, I was a has helped me in trying to achieve mighty confused gal. I was im- this. mediately impressed with the sin- I believe that sobriety is to be cerity of the group and I also knew found in AA, for anyone who truly that I was with experts, both in past wants it. The end of the alcoholic drinking and present sobriety. The nightmare is the beginning of a new sobriety was long and strong and I and glorious life. ‘felt the strength there. And so for Alice J . , Robesonia, Penna.

July 1

were staying; I was leaving. In fact, me in a tub of cold water to bring my parents had already been called me to. I didn’t know what an alto come and get me. coholic was, but even had I known, My mother knew I had a drink- it probably wouldn’t have done any ing problem but my poor father was good, as it wasn’t until I thought . in for a horrible shock -the dis- death was near that I realized something had to be done to save me. Kalamity in a Kansas Kitchen covery that his only child was an alcoholic. Fortunately these parents “Remember when you, as head were made of strong material and, football coach, wanted to win so even with all my faults, they still desperately? It was I who suggested loved me and wanted to help if that a small glass of wine would re- A young mother starts her road to sobriety they possibly could. After I re- lax you so that you could get much with a letter to her husband turned to Colorado with them, there needed rest. Little did you dream was unlimited time to pray and that it was really I who needed the meditate, read all available books drink to calm my nerves while I and literature and study the Twelve listened to your games broadcast Steps. on the radio. Steps One,eTwo and Three were “Being home with two small chilcomparatively easy for me but then dren created problems. It was lone- I KNEW I was powerless over alcohol. I had tried numerous times to stop drinking and had twenty-four hours, those one hundred trips down the hall to the living room and back. It was imcame Step Four -a moral inventory. How did one go about taking an inventory? It seemed to ly, and if one of the girls got sick, which they invariably did when you were gone, I was scared. Although even consulted a reputable physi- possible to lie in bed, for the me that possibly this could be com- I was well educated, independent cian, but to no avail. My family horrible fear that I was losing my bined with Step Five; so I wrote and self-reliant, I was too immature and friends finally convinced me mind was ever present. Surely, if the following letter to my husband: to accept responsibility. Sometimes that what I needed was AA. Since I I dared to lie down and close my “My Dear H : Perhaps I should you were gone on weekends to the had tried everything else, I agreed, eyes I would wake up in the mental have known fourteen years ago in farm. Was it resentment or jealousy but after several unsuccessful weeks ward of our hospital. Finally came El Paso that alcohol was poison to that made me feel abused? ‘And still in AA I proceeded to go on a the dawn of a new day, and a new me. For that was the time when, I continued to try and convince you bender which lasted five days. I re- life appeared. I had hit bottom; it after a few drinks, you had to put and myself that I would never be f member practically nothing about penetrated my insane, immature a nagging or complaining wife. it, not even locking the doors and mind that I was truly powerless over Never would I say that you windows and turning on all the gas alcohol. shouldn’t or couldn’t go anywhere burners of the kitchen stove. It In the morning I was told the or do any thing that you wanted. almost proved to be a “Kalamity heartbreaking news that my patient “The early days of wine soon in a Kansas Kitchen.” and understanding husband had changed into a need of something Fortunately it was my contact taken all he could and would sub- stronger. We had just bought our with AA that saved my life, for two ject my two little girls to no more new home and I was happy but girls from our group came and with anguish and abuse. My family there was so much to do. But often patience and understanding sobered wasn’t going to leave me; oh no, in the daytime a ‘need for release me up. I’ll never forget those it wasn’t quite that simple. They from nervous tension’ devclopcd.

As I was in public quite often, I I was not ready to admit and accept changed to peppermint schnapps. the fact that I was powerless over Surely no one would know, for this alcohol.” was practically the same as eating That letter was all I could do on peppermint candy. Just how stupid Step Five for the time being, but can alcoholic thinking be? But life in tackling the rest of the Twelve was rosy with a few drinks. Surely Suggested Steps of our program I God was protecting me that day I had my work cut out for me. sideswiped a truck with our car. I Again the groundwork had to kept on going, but a friend made be done by correspondence since I me report the accident to the police was still away from home. Every before it was too late. letter I wrote brought an answer of “And then came the day when encouragement. another friend found me out cold As I continue up the ladder of on the living-room couch. You were AA, Steps Ten and Eleven are called home from school but be- with me constantly. Without the fore you could get a doctor I came other nine Steps I could not, of to enough to explain that I must course, have come this far, but have food poisoning. You, still un- these two Steps are keeping me suspecting, believed me, but made sober. me promise to get a general medi- Step Twelve is still in the future cal checkup. I had to keep my for me, as I have all I can manage promise. The doctor believed my so far to take care of myself, but I food-poisoning story, but also found have been very fortunate. With the me to be in a run-down condition, help of my wonderful friends in AA necessitating many trips for shots and God’s guiding hand, I am once and treatments, and much money again united with my family. I sinspent. And all the time I knew I was cerely hope that the affirmative endnot really physically ill. I was just ing of this story will give other an out-and-out cheating, lying women hope for freedom from the drunk. bondage of this horrible disease. “It was soon after this that you AA is truly a simple program for found out what the real trouble complicated people. was, and I agreed to join AA. But D. L. G.,Salina, Kan.

July 1964

“TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT. . . II

never touch .it again. . .two, four, L IKE most of my fellow members in AA, I had tried just about six, eight. . .” . everything to effect a cure for that I fought the suggestion furiousIy. last. My patient husband at this My husband and I often laugh point gave me up for all time. The about “the old school cheer” and old school cheer, buried deep in my the look on the face of the flabunquenchable thirst including will I knew I did not hate alcohol at all. subconscious was what 1 had bergasted hypnotist when I finished power, pills, and all sorts of well- This character was not going to get grasped to bring me back to full his intonation for him. I think it meaning advice given to me by lov- me off the bottle, and I summoned reality. was at that time I began to reaIize . ing friends and relatives. I finally my will to fight the thought. But Well, I went back to the bottle that no power but God’s working hit upon -of all things -hypno- in spite of myself 1 was becoming and this time it was a doozy. When from within myself could ever help tism! The hypnotist arrived at my drowsy. It looked like he might win I began to see little green men me. home one evening confident he and all that good booze under the under the bed, I called AA and I watch the days go by, live one could help me, but no one told him bedsheets would go to waste. I asked for help in one of my rare at a time and joyfully see them that I had remained bedridden for struggled to keep awake. flashes of sanity. Today I am a grow into weeks, months -at last the previous week, pleading a “Two, four, six, eight.. .” the steadfast AA member and have -a whole year! “Two, four, six, sprained ankle which was the best hypnotist intoned. Visions of de- been sober for one year, thank God. eight. . . .” excuse I could think of to stay close licious whiskey swam before my Anonymous, N. I . to my bedroom where my cache of closing eyes. I fought to get back rye was hidden in the linen closet. to the surface and sprang to my He began at once to exercise the feet. power of suggestion: “The taste of “Two, four, six, eight.. .,” he alcohol is very repulsive to you.” he said again. “Who do we appresaid. “You hate liquor. You will ciate?” I shouted, coming alive at

August 1964

and no alcohol. These were grim absence, and self-pity, resentment, months. Six of them in a row. Will imagination and a doozy of a thirst Higher Powers power prevailed. Truly, I became sylphlike (a worm or grub or an came to baby-sit with me. Surely I deserved a little social drink now .imaginary spirit living in (on) the and then. My will power was funcair, Webster). I became curvaceous, tioning perfectly, I’d proven that. nasty and very, very thirsty. I also Being all dried out so long, I probwore a snug-fitting size thirteen ably wouldn’t need much to drink. and an ugly expression. Besides I needed to make a lot of amends and get my friends back, Slimmer Figures When people said, “I believe you are better company a bit plump, I figured it was just envy. When they didn’t I? Alas, all my thirsty little pink suggested I was too gaunt and tired- taste buds sprang to life with the My crash d i e t was working looking I made nasty remarks. I first drink. Not only was I thirstier also began reading up on, and ex- than before but what an appetite! fine, t h e n came the day the power failed pounding on, the Evils of Drink. I Even food I had detested tasted became an authority on wet brains, like a Parisian chef’s delight. White health foods, vitamins and exercise. bread was like angel food cake. weren’t in my mouth the bottle was : I MOST certainly believed in a higher power from the beginning. My higher power was called will and vice versa. As time and ‘many, many bottles I managed to let them (my drinking friends) catch me eyeing them oddly as they sipped a cocktail. I never The more I drank the more I ate. In no time I became my old fat, gay, drunken self. I started burstpower. I figured will power could passed, I not only became drunk failed to mention their weird beha- ing out laughing again at everyget me everything, and I wore it but fat! I was in the battle of the vior at the last party. I became a thing and anything, and bursting like a yellow ribbon, proudly. I booze and battle of the bulge, and real cheerful Charlene at hang-over out of my new size thirteen at the carefully nourished my stubborn I was losing both. wakes. I never failed to act cheer- same time. will power in every trifling situa- Now, I knew I could stick to a ful and gay around the hung-over. Oh where, oh where was my old tion. For example, as a child I suf- get-thin diet if I called on my old My favorite expression was, “Sure dependable will power? Finally, I fered from chronic sore throat, but standby; my will power. I had been glad I don’t drink.” My presence at called AA. Now I have a more re- I steadfastly refused to open my on liquid diets before, .but I chose a party became about as welcome liable power -God Power. My old mouth so the doctor could swab it. the liquids! What a letdown to as a scorpion in the baby’s crib. I higher power which was alcohol Later in life I reversed this ‘closed- learn that alcohol contained cal- kept careful tab on the amounts has been replaced with God as I mouth’ policy, and refused to shut ories! That my higher power, al- drunk by each one. I not only understand Him. This was a good my mouth. As a result I found both cohol, was making me fat! I re- dampened spirits, I flooded the deal. M. U., Boulder, Colo. of my feet in my mouth most of the membered the time I decided to market. I managed to spoil as many P.S. I wear a size sixteen again but time. With one foot in your mouth quit eating altogether and just drink happy drinkers as AA spoils alco- sobriety fits all kinds and sizes, you still have some dignity or at for energy. I asked the doctor why holics. Needless to say I did not win wears well and is most becomleast a leg to stand on. With both I didn’t lose any weight as I was any peace prizes or the Pulitzer ing to “lady” alcoholics. Shop feet in your mouth you fall flat on eating absolutely nothing. He ex- prize for bettering public relations around at AA meetings and your error. As my mouth always plained I had to get the water out or humanity, that year. you’ll find just what you’re opened automatically when a bottle of my system first. (What water?) Then one day the power failed. looking for in the line of was passed before it, when my feet So I began my diet. Diet foods ;Will power suddenly took leave-of- sobriety.

August 1964

“Well,” said my hostess plunking top of my head onto a great, fat herself down on my bed and nar- curler. “My dear,” I said crushingrowly missing my best silk dress, ly, “I’ll think of something. I’ve thoughtfully laid out for the eve- been in much tighter corners than ning. “You have to. We all toast this. You’re sitting on my dress.” the Queen. It’s protocol.” That got her out of the room as I I picked up my comb again. “Tell had hoped, but she left with the me more,” I said evenly, turning rather despairing expression of the towards my own startled reflection hostess who wishes she had not in the mirror. I had now replied undertaken to drag a questionable ‘cooly’ and ‘evenly’ which just guest into the higher reaches of soabout exhausted my repertory of ciety. I turned to the mirror again. casual offhand answers in moments My reflection stared at me, round- ! of rising panic. But apparently they eyed. “What tighter comers have served to reassure my hostess, who you been in,” I said to me, “and couldn’t see my face, because she where?” WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT THE WINE? expanded on the dilemma in a calmer voice. I remembered my first trip out of the country about ten years ago, “It’s like this. There will be a also to the British West Indies, and Or, how I learned to toast the Queen whole row of wine glasses at your how odd I had felt when a tray of without reallv drink in^ place. The last one is for the port. free rum punches had been stuck You can refuse everything but the under my nose by the airplane port. It comes at the very end of stewardess, as a sort of preview of Cf L ISTEN,” my hostess cried as she burst into my room as I was putting up my hair in prepara- Name. (Mine not to reason whythat is what I was supposed to do.) And if by some terrible fluke of my dinner. When Sir First Name rises and says, ‘The Queen,’ you must get up .and raise the port to your hospitalities to come. And how I had asked for, and instantly been served with, a plain fruit punch intion for the evening’s festivities, wayward Yankee unconscious I lips.” stead. And how I had told myself to “did I remember to warn you about called the Governor Sir Last Name I gazed intently at myself in the remember always to seek a subtoasting the Queen?” and his wife Lady First Name- mirror. “Get up,” I mumbled, stitute, so as to be part of the occa- I put the comb down and turned well, after all, I am an American. “raise the port to my lips. sion, and not to feel separate and from the mirror. “No,” I said cool- The Governor had no doubt coped “Take a sip. That’s all there is alone. That, I discovered, was the ly, “you didn’t.” ‘with the Angry American and the to it. You can do that, can’t you? great pitfall for the traveling, non- We were due to dine at Govern- Ugly American in the course of his Just one sip?’ drinking alcoholic -that circumment House in exactly two hours. duties. Now he was going to be I turned to smile at her. “No,” I stances could conspire to make one Cocktails were to be served at eight faced with the Absent-Minded said coolly and evenly, “I can’t.” feel cut off even from fellow toursharp, dinner at eight-thirty. Proto- American. (The actual miserable There was a sigh like air hissing ists. This threat to one’s identity col, the life blood of a Royal Crown fact was that we would both be very out of a balloon as she sort of col- had sent some of my fellow AAs Colony, demanded punctuality. I lucky if I remembered either of his lapsed over onto my dress. “You flying home ahead of schedule from was to sit on the Governor’s left. 1 names.) All this I was prepared for. can’t?” she gasped. “What are you their longed-for trips abroad, and was to address him as Sir First But nothing had been. said about going to do?” in other cases had provided the psy- Name and his wife as Lady Last toasting the Queen. I rolled the last of the hair on the chological springboard for a slip.

.But it could be circumvented if one prepared oneself for surprise, instead of being alarmed by it. Enjoyment of travel is openness to surprise, but the AA traveler must “* * * I had the name of a substitute ready* .”

combine openness with readiness to cope. I remembered that first evening a pub crawl in London being intro- week vacation. If there were just true because I wanted a drink. in Paris when the waiter recom- duced to a then new beverage which one other non-drinkihg alcoholic I So I stopped crying and put a mended the specialite’ and then has since become my all-time favo- could now ask about that moment new face on and went up to the asked if Mademoiselle wished him rite soft drink -Bitter Lemon. when the Governor stood up and telephone center to try to put a call to recommend her wine as well. (This is a plug, but I can’t help it.) said, “The Queen.” If, if, if. “Just through to Spoleto without losing Mademoiselle was ready for the I could hear myself at AA meet- don’t tell me you’ve been in tighter my temper. There, leaning against question. She wished him to rec- ings on my return from these jaunts corners than this!” my reflection the wall was an American waiting ommend, instead, some substitute saying the same two things over and said by way of a parting shot as I for his call. He looked familiar. I common to French people -some over. “Nobody cares if you don’t left the mirror. knew I knew him, but I couldn’t nonalcoholic beverage that could be drink,” and “there is always a local And then I remembered that hot think how. Then suddenly I rememinconspicuously consumed before substitute.” Well, now I had come summer day in the railroad station bered. Before I thought further I meals and in cafks, when neither bang up against a situation in which in Rome. I had been misinformed said, “Hello.” His look was not coffee nor Coca Cola were in order. 1 ) someone did care if I did not as to the departure hour of my train very encouraging. “I know you Was there an acceptable French drink and 2) there was no sub- for Spoleto and had arrived at the from somewhere;” I went on lamely. substitute? Mais oui. A natural ef- stitute. You could not toast the track just in time to see it pull out. “Really?” he said in the voice of fervescent mineral water called Per- Queen in Bitter Lemon. That was I had found that the only other a man who had been picked up berier is by way of being a digestant becoming obvious. “I will raise the train would necessitate my changing fore by lonely American girls and and is as common as wine itself in port to my lips and not take a sip,” late at night at the Italian version was in no mood for another one. every restaurant and cafe in France. I told my bug-eyed reflection in the of the Jamaica change-over on the “How do you know me?” I remembered the first evening in mirror. But that stare remained. Long Island Railroad. I then lost I glanced over my shoulder Rome finding out that the naturally “You’ll be sitting on the Governor’s my temper, burst into tears, and nervously. How could I tell him? effervescent mineral water was now left; he’ll notice. They’ll all notice. tried to repair to the ladies’ room Supposing I was wrong? Supposing to be called Pellogrino. That it was They’ll think you’re a Communist, -only to discover that I had to we were overheard? He might be just as common as Perrier in Paris, or rude, or sometliing terrible.” I queue up in one line for a towel, embarrassed, furious. . . . Then I just as acceptable. I remembered looked at myself sternly, “I am not another for soap, and a third to thought of a perfect code. “Does the during my most recent trip learning any of those things,” I answered, gain entrance to facilities that in- name Lenox Hill mean anything to the Greek word for a carbonated “I’m The Alcoholic American” – cluded a wash basin. Since I do not you?” I asked, using the group label cider (better than any soda pop I there was a new one for the Gov- speak Italian, all these discoveries of a large metropolitan meeting. have ever had in the States and just ernor, or maybe not so new. I won- were made through trial and error. He burst out laughing. “Oh, I as common) so that I could go dered fleetingly if there was a But ultimately I wound up facing know you,” he said, all reserve along on even such cruise festivities branch of AA in this particular the old reflection again, tear-stained gone, “You’re so and so.” There as the wine festival in Rhodes West Indian island. If only I had and rebellious this time. “You need was my AA meeting. We spent the knowing that I had the name of a bothered to check GSO before I an AA meeting,” I told myself on next hour together. He helped me substitute ready. I remembered on set off in my larky way for my two- that occasion. And I knew it was get my money changed, bought me

a sandwich, and put me on the glass. Now what did I do? I looked train with a few well-chosen words wildly across the table for my host- sert came. Then cigarettes were come permanent. If they were waitin Italian to my compartment mates ess, but a foot-high floral decora- passed. “You can’t Smoke,” my ing for me to finish my liqueur b e to make sure I made my connec- tion almost totally obscured her. hostess had said, “until they pass fore they passed the port we would tion. I hadn’t felt so looked-after All I could see were her eyes. They cigarettes.” Well, she’d been right sit there until doomsday. I conand cared-for since my mother used told me nothing. about that, anyway. Coffee was sidered dumping it in the flowers, to give me to the Pullman porter The first course was fish. Wine next, just a demi-tasse, not enough the fingerbowl, over my left shoulwhen I took the train back to was poured. I let my glass be filled. to do any real good, but better than der. If only the butler would take it school. Maybe they were going to use this nothing. “Now,” I thought, “the away. . . . The Governor seemed I could hear myself telling about for the toast instead of port tonight. port. . . .” The Governor touched unable to look at anything else. I that strange, blessed coincidence After all, it was a small d i ~ e r my arm and gestured towards the thought that in one more minute I when I got back to AA in New party. Meat was served. Then more butler who was standing to my right would lean towards him and say, York. Providence, I had called it. of the same wine. The butler hov- with an entire trolley full of li- “Sir What’s Your Name, Governor One of those AA miracles. Well, I ered over my full glass. I gave him queurs. dear, I regret exceedingly that I reflected, here and now in February a frozen smile. He came back in a It’s been a long time since I took find myself quite unable to drink of 1964, in the British West Indies little while and took my untouched a really good look at a collection.of this spiked green mouthwash. But I could use another miracle. Like wine away. Well, there went the after-dinner drinks but in one glance I have never liked it, and if I ever maybe if the Governor would just ball game, toast and all. I could see there was no port. Per- have to go, I will not go on crt?me .. forget to toast the Queen. . Then I noticed that everybody’s haps, I surmised, we were to toast de menthe. Protocol or no protocol, I had no sooner reached my glasses had been taken away. Des- the Queen in liqueurs. The Gov- Queen or no Queen.” , place at the Governor’s left when I ernor, who was served first as the But suddenly the Governor and perceived that something was ter- representative of the Royal Family, his lady, as if at some secret signal, ‘ ribly wrong. There was no row of had taken brandy. I smiled frozenly rose simultaneously from the table. wine glasses. There was only one at the butler again. He smiled back. The Governor’s wife started to lead I pointed to the green mint. He the ladies out of the dining room. I poured me one of those little was the first to follow, dazed, unthimbles full, put it at my place, able to believe my reprieve, As she and moved on. I glanced towards took my arm, I blurted out the my hostess. Obviously I had made question that was uppermost in my the wrong move. Her eyes blinked mind. “What about the toast?” I disbelievingly across the hedge of asked. flowers at me. This time I could “What toast?” she smiled sweetly. read her look. It was quite clear “Well you know,” I fumbled, that she thought I had cracked “The Queen.” under the strain and taken to the The Governor’s wife laughed. bottle. I tried to wink reassuringly. “Oh, we don’t bother with that She shut her eyes in pain. The when we’re informal . . . and when Governor drank his brandy. Every- there are mostly Americans.” She body else drank his. Only my little peered at me kindly and added, “I green glass remained untouched. hope you weren’t disappointed.” The Governor looked at it and then I tried to supress a sudden, hysat me. My frozen smile had now be- terical fit of giggles. LLNo!”I said,

“just surprised -surprised is all.” the better, substitute soft drinks. But Which brings me back to my my experience of the night before starting point -the one fixed ele- had given me a new insight. When ment of travel is surprise. The next the chips are down, abroad as well morning when, as usual, I was as at home, there is only one anawakened by the glare of the sun swer to that old question: “What on the Caribbean, I remembered a do we do about the wine?” It can promise I had made to the editors be said in three words. Don’t drink of the Grapevine to write a travel it. Pour it in the flowers, in the piece for other wanderers in our fingerbowl, over your left shoulder. fellowship. What a perfect day to But don’t, repeat, do not drink it. begin it! I opened my typewriter, One lovely day at a time. put in the paper, and without think- So have a beautiful trip if you’re ing banged out the title we had going away this summer. Let no agreed upon: “What Do We Do unnecessary worries come between about the Wine?” I stared at it. you and your wonderful adventures. And then I burst out laughing. I Welcome those surprises. Bon Voythought of all my pet theories and age! Arrividerci! And, oh yes . . . pat sayings, and the brand names of “The Queen!” E. M . V . , British West Indies

August 1964

exactly two drinks and leave. On for AA, I might give it some Friday morning, a t , about 3 A.M. thought. I was delivered to my home. I was When I finally returned to AA, completely blacked out, so have no it was on my hands and knees, berecollection of what actually took cause, even though I still did not place. I was afraid to ask what had like it, I was afraid that I was not happened-and afraid not to- good enough and would not be al- My name is. .. and I lived through that awful re- lowed to go back. That was thirteen morse, listening for a chance re- years ago, and I have not had a mark that might shed some light on drink since. Today I would rather the subject. None ever came. be sober than have my next breath. In 1948, during my mother’s last Somewhere along the line I was illness, I was taking care of things introduced to the pills that pose as only drunks do. I was no longer such a threat to so much sobriety working, and she was living with today. It was while I was still workus. We had nurses, good domestic ing in the hospital that the habit of help, competent medical care – relieving hangovers with drugs but I took charge. Drunk around moved from habituation into addicthe clock, I gave the orders, made tion. And the patterns of pill takdecisions, administered oxygen my- ing and alcoholic drinking are prethe last years of my drinking I M Y name is Jo, and I’m an alcoholic, a grateful alcoholic. I mean it to the bottom of my toes, never want to forget. A friend once said, “If you are inclined to rememself, and ran the nurses out of cisely the same. I was already mother’s room at night so I could hoarding pills and protecting my drink myself into a coma from the supply long before AA. Because of for had I not been an alcoholic, I ber the fun in your drinking, then quart bottle I always had at arm’s this I could always make it to work, could never have gotten sick enough have the courage to finish the length under the bed. This was the and stay out of trouble in public. t o have my life saved, and to find drunk.” I have finished the drunk, picture when she died. Like so many women, I did most this way of life. I hope. I do not remember the fun. Such incidents have been called of my drinking flapping around in Very shortly after my last child It is the unfunny part that I look the “getting ready period,” and no a nightgown, behind drawn shades. was born I got into some serious back on now and then- just to more reliable words have . ever . been – — .-. trouble from drinking. I did not take stock. said than “man’s extremity is God’s want this to happen to me again, In 1947 I had a so-called key opportunity.” I was to reach my so I decided to stop completely – job in one of the hospitals in Mo- extremity after three more years of only to find out that I could not bile, and at that time it was the this kind of drinking. During that stop. And so, twenty-three years custom for new doctors coming to time I tried suicide twice, and I ago I started rationalizing my town to launch themselves with tried AA. But I did not like what I drinking. And my disease continued cocktail parties (the sophisticated found. I went to meetings late, and to progress. I think I knew even version of the well-known office I left early. Needless t o say my I brought the pill habit into AA then that it was the first drink be- party) and I was often invited. This brand of sobriety was not very with me and I did not kick it for cause I hated what it was doing to particular party started on a Tues- good. It did occur to me that may- almost eighteen months. So, once me. I determined to quit forever, day afternoon. Against the wishes be, when I got my own affairs again I was flat on my face, and it not for just a little while. One or of my family, I went, promising straight, and had a little more time was black down there, too. All the two t h i i that happened during them and myself that I would take

hate and resentment and obsessive meant first of all to try to put into ‘behavior I ever knew started to practice my AA teachings, not only return, and I was terrified. But be- in AA, with AAs, but in all my cause the God of AA is like He is, affairs, in all my relations with all it was just at this moment that a of mankind. If it took every single real sponsor (in every sense of the thing I did as a practicing alcoholic, word) emerged. Together we were and all that has happened since able to examine, through the I’ve been sober, to put me where I Fourth and Fifth Steps, our two am today, I could not consider the private hells -in complete integ- time to have been better spent. For rity, and I like to think, complete today I have given up the struggle, humility. For the first time I really and have a growing spiritual, sober came to know the meaning of the serenity. Through AA and all that words, “to practice these principles, AA truly means, I cannot, today, in all our affairs.” think of a single person with whom To change the me that was, I would be willing to trade places. Jo D.,Mobile, Ala.

August 1964 —

whereof I speak. One of my own begins to fade. We remember every- ‘slips’ was marked by seeming thing the next morning. We have a control, and I now think that it bit more money in the bank, or, at delayed my eventual recovery al- least, in our pockets. most a year. In fact, it was perhaps Other advantages are subtler, less even more damaging than my binges tangible, and slower to make themwere, because it permitted my Mr. selves felt. We grow more honest Hyde to whisper to my Dr. Jeckyl, with ourselves. Our fears and shame “Well, see! Who’s an alcoholic? and guilt begin to melt away. Our You must have just been emotion- values. become truer. And we begin ally upset all those other times!” simply to learn. AA can be a con- This sort of thinking is not only stant adventure in self-education. Letter to a Newcomer dishonest -it’s sheer folly. We’ve learned in AA from the bitter ex- – Then. DerhaDs still more eradually, ou; iPiritsAstrengthen.We start . perience of others (if not from our being able to cope with life as it is, own) that once our drinking has rather than as we wish it were. We become a problem, any temporary become willing to face and accept – control we may achieve never lasts. and try to solve problems, instead Herewith some random thoughts, trouble. The first drink is wonder- Sooner or later we find ourselves of trying to escape them in alcohol. which I hope will help you during ful -no problem at all.” Etc., etc. back in the squirrel cage. Our horizons widen. We find that these next important days and It took me much longer than I’m Don’t be discouraged if you don’t we can communicate more easily weeks. I know it will help me if I sure it will take you to understand feel thoroughly at ease right off the without the phony stimulus of try to articulate them. An attempt that we never need to take the sixth bat. Few of us do. It takes time booze, not only with our dear ones to put one’s self in another’s shoes or the ninth or the fourteenth or and we must try to be patient. Al- who begin to trust us and enjoy us is always good discipline, and after the twentieth (or whichever one most none of us got to be problem again, but also with all sorts of new nine years in AA I run the risk of that triggers the compulsion) if we drinkers overnight, so we can’t rea- and exciting people who want to taking my own sobriety for granted stay away from the first. So it is sonably expect our sobriety to be have us around. Our curiosity and -unless I remind myself quite the first drink that lights the fuse. comfortable overnight. But it can wonder reawaken, because our often that I, too, am a beginner. I Maybe not right away. But sooner happen sooner than you might minds grow more alert. We feel too am one drink away from po- or later. think. The more regularly we go to less inferior, because we .become tential chaos. This problem we There is something else which meetings, the quicker the mists less inferior. And in view of all share can be arrested (thank God), confused me for quite a while. Marty clear from our thinking; the sooner this, I think we slowly acquire a but never cured. Mann writes in her book, “A Prim- we get to know people and share sort of steady inner glow, which in I hope you won’t have the er on Alcoholism,” that even an our experience with them, the time replaces the spurious glow that trouble that I did with the whole advanced alcoholic can suddenly quicker we can relax inside and we used to get out of the bottle. mystique of The First Drink. For and for no particular reason drink feel comfortable without alcohol. It might help you -as it did me a long time I used to think to my- with apparent control for several Some of the fringe benefits are -to bear in mind that we are not self, “What is all this emphasis in days or weeks or even months. This apparent almost at once -as I’m giving up anything worth holding AA on the first drink? It’s the sixth is quite true. And it’s very tricky sure you’re already finding out. We onto. On the contrary, we’re getting (or the ninth or the fourteenth or because it feeds our awesome ca-: feel better. We look better. The rid of something that had begun to the twentieth) that gets me in pacity for self-deception. I , know: actual compulsion to take the drink blight our whole lives.

Finally, I think it’s important good music, take rumba or French that you treat yourself well. You’re lessons, or whatever. doing such a tremendous thing with Remember that in seeking my your life that you deserve to make help you help me. You give me an it as easy for yourself as you can. exciting opportunity to pass along Get lots of rest. Eat regular and to you a bit of the infinite wealth appetizing meals. (Fatigue and that so many others have given me. hunger are both pitfalls.) Allow Meanwhile, as a cold compress to yourself some enjoyable and relax- your battered ego, I want to tell ing recreation. With the time and you that you have never looked money that you used to devote to better than you did at the meeting liquor you will now be able to go to last night. So there. an occasional movie or play, buy Good luck. God bless you. some good books, listen to some F. B., Manhattan, N. Y.

September 1964

It’s an Action Program And our understanding of A A’s Steps comes culmination of the first eleven, and to help. If it worked for Bill W., it as we try to put them to work for ourselves tells us that we are now ready to might work for her. take physical action. Without Step Attending meetings is extremely Twelve we would be left hanging. important, of course, but we put It would be like reading a suspense our sobriety to the test after we R ECENTLY at a meeting in a state hospital, where she was confined because of drinking, a woman greater than ourselves,” but rather “-that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” story only to find that it has no ending. Likewise, trying to take leave the meeting. Very few members get drunk during a meeting, but quite a few do afterwards if asked, “Why can’t I stop drinking? Those who wrote these Steps a p Step Twelve without first trying the I have a sincere desire to stop and other Steps would be like turning they neglect to tell other alcoholics parently assumed that we already what they heard there, or forget to I have faith in God, but nothing believe in something, and were directly to the ending without reading the story. practice what they learned -in all seems to work.” merely trying to show us that this their affairs. The answer she got was simple Going back to our friend in the power can be put to good use. They hospital, a few questions after the I was fortunate to learn early in and to ine point: “Desire and faith then proceed in Steps Three and the game that sobriety is not going are steps in the right direction, but meeting revealed that she had had Eleven to tell us how to do it, and quite a long exposure to AA, dur- to come to me; I have to go out they are not enough. Sobriety re- while the words are clear they can- and find it. Not only that, but when quires action.” ing which time she had done nothnot be fully understood until they I do find some I give it away as How true this is! Having a de- ing but attend an occasional are experienced. These Steps in- meeting. There had been no Twelfth fast as I can, only to discover that sire merely qualifies us for member- volve action on a mental and spirit- it comes back two-fold. What Step ship, and faith is something, we Step calls, no talks at open meetual level, as do the Steps dealing ings, no making coffee or emptying Twelve is really saying to us is: learn as children. But unless we with taking inventory and making “You have the tools -go out and learn to turn our desire into action amends. ash trays, and certainly no attempt and put our faith to work we are at taking on the responsibilities of use them to build your own so- Finally, we come to the fulfill- briety.” We find that if sobriety is apt to fall flat. It is a little like try- ment Step, Step Twelve. This is the leadership in a group. It was suggested to her that after she dries worth anything, it is worth working ing to sit on a two-legged stool. Step which nails down our sobriety The Second Step does not say, out and gets back on the program, for. while we are helping other alco- J . S. C., New Hartford, Conn. “We came to believe in a power holics to achieve theirs. It is the. she go out and find herself a drunk

September 1964

I WAS NINE PEOPLE.. . are nine, you hardly need ten, do vou? And what did you tell your – . . family? Bv and large. vou didn’t. – Thev -we -I was verv* .~ r o u d And -that hesh shire-cat, off-the-cuff of this: It was smart to be solitary. laugh didn’t fool anyone, either. It Showed great self-sufficiency. It was rotten and you knew it, didn’t only became difficult when you you? Especially when you were longed for someone to smile. No heaving up, too weak to move. You one did. But you could have an- knew then that no one caredother drink, couldn’t you? And an- just the dog, and it was just the dog other and another and a-n-o-t-h-e-r. because you’d never loved anyone, Then you lost a job. . . and another not even the dog. It wasn’t your and another and another. Then a fault. You didn’t know how. Maytoken fiver was left for you on the be no one taught you, or maybe bureau of someone else’s apartment, they taught too well and you just and you needed it and you were took -without notes. But wherscared. But it wasn’t over yet. An- ever they were, they didn’t care other drink and another and another now. What did that matter? You and a-n-o-t-h-e-r. What did you tell had gotten used to that. yourself? That you were an extra- And maybe that’s why, “My ordinary genius holding a delicate name is D- and I am an alcobalanc; bktween society and the holic.” And now the only thing that slums, for research purposes. But doesn’t matter is the reason for it the seesaw tipped a little when the all, because nine lives have finally

I WAS nine people when I came into AA. My personality wasn’t split. It was shattered. One wanted Board of Health knocked on the belnded into one. And I love it. door because of the smell. D. S., Manhattan, N . Y . We were a drink. Another kept shrieking at I the first, and the other seven were “holding a delicate either too petrified to move, or they . were dead. But once thev had all had fun- sitting in a dirty apartbetween ment cracking iokes with each other. driving in b l ~ ~ k o u t s , getting chased and the slums.” by the police, coming-to while waving money at the police, cracking up the car, throwing things, banging on doors in the middle of the night, looking at the ceiling too sick to move, waking up surprised at being alive the next morning. Other people? Well, when you

September 1964

of drinks was a Federalist, I told had a lapse that evening for they him he was brilliant and the next completely monopolized the disworld leader! cussion with a ‘Can-you-top-this?’ At a party when someone began record for off-color jokes. And I sat telling filthy stories, I listened and meekly by -submitting and letting I laughed. my other AA guests melt away until The Girl Who Couldn’t Say No When someone began to poke fun at a minority group, I cheered only the jokesters remained. Today that would not happen! I could them on. easily tell my loveable friends to Or, how t o get back y o u r right t o disagree I just couldn’t say no. change the subject -or shut up. I couldn’t say, “I think, Mr. X, At one time, too, I was obsessed that you are bigoted and pompous.” with never refusing a job in AA or I couldn’t say, “Please, I hate filth a speaking date. I made myself sick T ODAY a strange thing happened! I disagreed with my boss! The original ‘yes’ girl actually told him arguments or daydreams. I wanted to fit in wherever I was, wanted no one to dislike me because I disand I hate prejudice and, most of all, I hate myself because I don’t of my own voice at meetings telling the story of my recovery. (And I’ll she didn’t like a theory he was ex- agreed with them, did not dare to have the courage to offend -even bet the nausea was not mine alone.) pounding! refuse obnoxious chores or assign: offensive people.” After several years of absolute ded- Now to noisy alcoholics who held ments even if it meant real hard- My problem with ‘no-power’ did ication to AA -and nothing else forth in bars at great length on ship, and always allowed myself not end when I achieved sobriety -I began to refuse occasionally. every subject, this may not sound monumental daydreams about the in AA. Group politics, for example, I felt sincerely that, for me, the like much of an accomplishment. extent of my ambitions or capa- always made me a nervous wreck. danger of boredom and fatigue For me -who had always rivaled bilities. I never wanted anyone to argue- from too much AA talking was Patrick Henry Clay as the Great I don’t remember having such a or go off and form a splinter group. very real. Compromiser -this was a unique chameleon-like character as a child Being an idealist, I wanted every- So I have sometimes said no. experience. Certainly it took enough but I certainly developed one as a one to live and let live; to be at And I have found a gradual retime- I’m on my sixth year of drinking alcoholic. perfect peace with their fellow turn to an interest in business and sobriety -but I finally found the My entire time was spent agree- members and to carry on our sole some hobbies. AA, naturally, is the nerve to defend my own opinion. ing with people. If I was being en- purpose of helping sick alcoholics keystone of my life. It, and AA I was born, reared and did most tertained by a gentleman, and lie with naught but noble thought. members, are the core of .my exof my drinking in the nation’s capi- N o w I realize that my fellowship istence. From the AA program, my tal. And a large part of my daily is composed of human beings and other activities radiate as the spokes (and evening) life centered around not gods. Honest discussion is good from the hub of a wheel. trade associations and other politi- and the formation of new groups, I can cite examples, however, of cal groups. So there was ample op- of course, is essential. those who have been sober about portunity (and demand) for com- To continue with my ‘no-power’ the same length of time as I. They promise. And when I drank, I began to praise the platform of the difficulties in AA, an anniversary are overwhelmingly active in their couldn’t say no. Not to the first Dyno-Progressive Party, I sup party that my husband and I gave groups and, upon request, have drink, nor to ensuing entangling al- ported his views enthusiastically! some years ago was ruined when it been known to speak before the liances, unsought responsibilities, If my partner for the next round was invaded by a band of story- same group three times in one tellers. These were, individually, month. (This is an area of many wonderful AAs, but perhaps they groups and many speakers.) They

have marvelous messages, are ex- that clean, honest feeling of selfcellent speakers and dominate the respect within my heart; so long as room with their vitality. But through the pendulum does not swing too repetition and familiarity, their wide and have me become selfstories have, I think, lost effective- righteous, then I shall revel in my ness. Those who used to hang on new role ,as an individual. their every word now groan when As for the daydreams and the they approach the rostrum. (And delusions of grandeur, I still have there are many nights when no them. They’re becoming less frenewcomers are around.) quent and far less important. When These people have told me the you love, and arc surrounded by reason they speak so much is be- love, and when you live in an old cause they can’t say no! Victorian farmhouse with an AA I’m sure there are those who will husband and around are lots of side against me in this issue. I birds and squirrels and dogs and hope, though, that even the dis- cats and kittens and chickens senters will rejoice in my new-found well, you just don’t feel the necesability to state my opinion. sity for leaving it all behind to And if they don’t, here’s another daydream about becoming the first benefit I’ve received from sobriety. woman on the moon-or some- So long as I am sober and my life thing equally ridiculous. is manageable; so long as I have V . B., Virginia

September 1964

and letting the horses out. I would “Did you get it on the Ouija ride through the gate on my little Board?” they wanted to know. pony, and go off into the toolies There were no phones in the valley (which means way out from no- in those days. where) and dream about being I rode over the pass in the horse- Little Eva in “Uncle Tom’s Cabin,” drawn stage the next morning, and Little Philldoll’s who was just too good to live. On actually went to California, where my deathbed, I was going to for- I worked in restaurants for six give my family for being so mean to months. me. I saw my golden hair spread Finally I went home. The ciron the pillow with my eyes rolled cumstances are too long to relate. heavenward and everybody weep- But the road I traveled was rocky, ing. Cal, the tough ranch foreman circuitous, dark, dismal. Any time Back at the ranch and out at the bar, was kneeling in prayer. it got a little easy, I’d stop, and put It took Cal a whole day to find some rocks and other sharp obshe wanted the ‘answer to everything’ the horses, that last time. They’d stacles in my own way. gotten clear up Death Valley, high The bottle was the answer-at in the mountains. first. And then, as we all know, it That evening, Cal went in to see presented accumulating problems my mother, “A kid,” he said, “is an with diminishing returns. I was still W HEN I was eight years old, I had a friend who has since become a well-known writer. He premely uncomfortable postures. In traveling from any given point to any other, I always did it the hard expensive proposition.” the wild child. The ‘gimme,’ the ‘I- I got the message from Mother, don’t-want-to’ kid. Little Eva, misand I invented stories and drew the way. and also the hairbrush on my be- treated. And Little Philldoll, forillustrations. He also had some char- I did it the hard way as a kid. Of hind. ever falling through her face, acters that I remember to this day. course, I was a little young for the The cure was not permanent. yelling, sucking up the booze, fall- One of them was Little Philldoll Twelve Steps. They had not been When I was eighteen, I flew into ing. Forever and endless, the night- Who Fell Through Her Face. She invented -yet I needed them. I a passion at the injustice of things, mare hunt for It, the answer to lay on the edge of a cliff, screaming was as egocentric as a spinning top; and rode away from the ranch on everything. The evanescent It her head off, sucking oranges and I had a constant psychic bellyache, my horse, with all my possessions happiness, peace of mind sought in lemons. Every half hour she fell off that vague feeling that I’d just in duffle bags, fore and aft. My the bottle, sought in cheap barthe cliff, performing a sort of in- been eating too much cement. And mother owned all the saddles and rooms. terior skin-thecat, in that she would my socks wouldn’t stay up -never. bridles, so I had proudly fashioned Now, since coming into AA, I descend through her own mouth, I was always yanking them, and I a bridle out of some old cotton have been presented with opporfeet first. was always throwing hair out of stockings, and I rode bareback. I tunities, I have been given chances, For years, before joining AA, I my eyes. This kept me busy think- put my horse in a livery stable in I have my sobriety. But Little P h i was in much the same predicament, ing about myself, so I couldn’t co- town, and spent the night in the inn. doll, the brat, and Little Eva, the since I was always squawking about operate or relate to others or an- “I am on my way East,” I an- humorless Goody-Good, still crop something, sucking up the booze, swer when spoken to or be any- nounced to the innkeeper and his up, and try to run the show. making sudden descents into limbo, thing but a headache to my fellow wife, who were great friends of I’ve been sober for a number of ‘ in an awkward, antisocial, some- man. On our ranch in Wyoming, I ours. “I got a telegram that Grand- years, but Eva, lachrymose and . times. illegal manner and in su- was always leaving the gate open ma is sick.” self-pitying, will rush into my mind,

and complain that I’m not getting friends notice. A couple of years the breaks. I will then retire into a ago, two of them gave me a dress. snit, and get absent-minded about It had a red ribbon threaded the mundane things that seem be- through the waist, and it was pretneath me like the sign that says No tily scalloped round the hem. It Parking, so that I collect parking was made of sackcloth. tickets, and, on the other hand, lose I began to laugh, of course. And every umbrella, glove and unat- neither Little Eva, nor Little Philltached object. doll can stand ridicule. They packed Inner plaint and sweet moan are their hot pitchforks and departed. devastating. They can lead to a Thank you, my friends in AA, slip. I know this. I work on it. But for helping me to laugh at myself. the work is hard. I leave the gate of You’ve had to do it, quite a few life open, and let a lot of good times, I know. Thank you for things out. Little Philldoll screams helping to restore me to sanity not once, but over and over. Sanity to me means, being at least fifty-one per cent objective, spontaneously cheerful, somewhat useful, more outgoing than not, more loving than not. And above all, self-forgiving, self-accepting, and self-forgetting, for heaven’s sake! For indeed I prefer not to be an expenand, try as I will, I still fall through sive proposition, to myself or anymy face when in these angry moods, body else. and the resentment shows. My AA F . M., Manhattan, N . Y .

October 1964

how 1 had arrived there. And so I able to continue this constructive was forced to face the truth -a life, for I will be helping others in truth I had known for some time but need, and others will be helping me, would not admit – I was an alco- and above our help there will be the holic in deep trouble and I needed strength of God-my Higher Power. help. With this strength I expect to find a 1 had to return home and ask to happy life and peace of mind. It has be placed in this hospital. Now two not been easy and I have lost my and one half years later I am still babies completely, but I have gained here. It was here that I found AA. something that I did not have be- I am now living soberly and care- fore coming here -self-respect. It My name is fully twenty-four hours a day. When is with the help of AA that I found I leave here, by getting in touch with it. an AA group elsewhere, I should be W.J . P., Missouri

WILMA I AM only twenty-three years old. I have lost my entire family and I am in an institution, yet I now feel two children, but this was not possible, because I was soon drinking more than my husband ever had. A that I have a future ahead of me. drunken maniac beat me up, break- My life has been turned over to a ing my jaw in four places. I was Higher Power, through the help of thrown into jail where I stayed for AA. five days while my broken bones I drank for several years with my were being wired together. At this alcoholic husband. Then I left him point the law found that I was not a because of his drinking. I thought fit mother and so took my children that I could handle alcohol, that I from me. This depressed me so could drink or not, whichever I much that the moment I was rechose. I called myself a social leased I sought my only comforter, drinker and I believed it. It took the bottle. I drank constantly for time for me to discover and admit three months, afraid to sober up and that I could not handle alcohol. By face my problems. the time I found this out I was When I came to my senses after powerless to break away. the frightening terrors of the DTs, I When I left my husband I had found myself twelve hundred miles planned to work and support our from home and with no memory of

November 1964

went out of their way to tell me that I’m not longing to get home about an approaching convocation. to a bottle. It’s a good feeling to There was to be a speaker on alco- stand before a class without shaking, holism, an interesting speaker, and without wondering how many stuthey hoped I wouldn’t miss him. I dents know I’m loaded. It’s wonconsidered this a polite way of mak- derful to look the Dean or the Presi- . ing the convocation a command dent in the eye and smile, rather performance, so, reluctantly, I at- than have to pretend not to see -/I She had her Ph.D. tended. “This will be the usuak goody-goody who doesn’t know them. Students recognize that I have time for them whether they’re lonely I but needed to add A.A. what what he’s talking about,” I and just want to bat the breeze, o r thought. But to my amazement, he they want to discuss academic or told of his own experience with personal problems. Every day now alcoholism and the answer hc had seems to me a wonderful opporremembered the mornings when I’d found in AA. After the talk, every- tunity for learning about myself, “W ELL, now, where did we stop last time?” I often began my classes this way; the students had to stop in the middle of a lecture to run to a rest room to throw one seemed to be conspiring to have me meet this speaker. I did, other people and God. I can only hope that some of this zest for would have to think back to the pre- up. I thought about how many and it was the beginning of many learning can rub off on my students. vious lecture, and continuity would classes 1 had missed because I was conversations. a warm friendship, 1 find that some of my students be achieved. But on this day, I was too drunk or too sick to teach them. and my introduction to AA. have the beginning of drinking bluffing, and the students seemed to I reviewed the excuses I had made Since I have found AA. every- problems. It may be years before know it. No one said anything. for not doing any research or writ- thing is different. I meet classes rcg- they’re ready to do anything about And I desperately needed to have ing, when the truth was that I didn’t ularly. Even early-morning classes it, but I hope that they’ll remember them tell me what had been covered have enough time left from my are no longer an ordeal. I can the professor they once knew, who in the previous day’s class, for I drinking. 1 realized that students no enjoy preparing lectures and an- found some answers that weren’t in had no idea. I vaguely remembered longer asked me for help with their swering students’ questions, now the textbook, and seek out AA. going to the class, but didn’t know problems; 1 was always ‘too busy.’ J . C., Emporia, Kansas whether I had lectured for five I realized what a miracle it was minutes or fifty, whether I had been that I still had a job at all. My trainon the subject, whether I had ram- ing was good. It included a Ph.D., bled. When none of the students but my ten years of teaching were would give me a clue, I chose a a crazy quilt of strenuous efforts to starting place at random, and feigned fit adequate classroom performance nonchalance. I fought down the into a pattern of constant and everpanic I was feeling until I got home increasing drinking. I had tried to to a bottle. cut down the drinking, only to see it But as I drank that evening, I get heavier. I had even tried going couldn’t forget other times in class. abroad for a couple of years, only to I couldn’t forget the exam papers find that drinking went with me. I’d been so slow in returning. Who Shortly after this day of panic, can grade papers while drinking? I several administrators at the college

November 1964 with plain old cofjee. Now there’s to temporarily forget your defects! a drink! When I make an apple pie, I feel To me, coffee is a lot like the good all over, and that’s the truth. friendships we make in AA; strong, Particularly this autumn when, with warm and rich. I love the smell of the enthusiastic help of my young it, the taste of it and the looks of it. son, I gathered in the fruit from

/. RECIPE FOR-R-IOLIDAY SHINDIG + -i: A a-‘ a \ On a crisp winter’s day or evening, can anything really beat the fragrance of fresh-brewed coffee, plus the cinnamon scent of an apple pie our own apple trees. Many hours of peeling and cutting went into the project, because the apples were scrawny and blighted. But with sufincubating in the oven, plus a roar- ficient and patient probing, there ing fire crackling in the fireplace? was enough yield for three lovely Hey, maybe I will have a holiday pies out of each basket-full! (Isn’t shindig, now that you’ve got me this a little like what we learn in started. But first, I’d look back on AA? If we stand still long enough, those parties of the past when I was and sink the blade deeply enough, over-compulsive in my cooking and don’t we get at the rotten parts and preparations, over-fatigued the night rescue enough good to make a of the party, and hung over the next whole human being?) morning! I’d think of all that and But back to the menu. What have this year I’d say, “Easy does it, we got so far? Coffee, apple pie. girl. Remember that New Year’s Okay. Doesn’t everyone know that when you made the Oysters Rocke- those early-AA medicinal chocofeller? And everyone told you how late bars have hatched masses of A no-longer-befuddled hostess reveals I wonderful you were? You were so chocolate addicts? So why not an t h e secret of a bountiful bash I wonderful that you got quite drunk enormous fudge cake with tons of that night. And wasn’t it shortly gooey chocolate icing? And let’s after that when you started seeing don’t forget the fruitcake, despite ou know how r u m o r s get Y around in AA. If you love to cook and do lots phisticated AAs can come up with some pretty jazzy concoctions. There was a cranberry-juice clubthe psychiatrist?” So with a party this year, I’d try to put first things first, and never the fact that I’d like to forget some I used to makc prior to AA! Whatever gave me the idea that any fruitof it, people talk. Eventually, some soda deal this one fellow served. mind the menu. There would be cake worth its weight in raisins had of them ask if you’ll suggest some Delicious! Another friend of mine gratitude for another beautiful and to be soaked in brandy? Even my recipes for nonalcoholic beverages offers ginger beer with a paper-thin sober day-and real friends with children protested, and they’ll eat to be served at holiday season slice of lemon. Yummy. Still an- whom to share it. It would be a anything. (“Mommy, what did you parties. other goes for quinine water with Coffee-and-Dessert bash, probably. do to it? It tastes funny.”) Now, I’m not knocking the fes- bitters. No comment. There’d be lots of apple pie, be- If you haven’t guessed by now, tive but nonalcoholic cup, even But I have a confession to make. cause in my humble opinion this is cooking and eating were my first though my favorite drinks happen Since my break-up with vodka and the most basic and honest of all loves long before alcohol moved in to be coffee, ice cream sodas and Scotch almost four years ago, I’m desserts. Also, it’s the best-smelling as my number-one compulsion. Even skimmed milk-in that order. So- still having this crazy love affair and tasting and it causes husbands towards the end of my drinking, I

took my “hair of the dog” from a the food lovingly prepared what else plate instead of a shot glass. Now really matters? that I’ve been around AA a while To me, the holiday season is a and heard some of the stories, I can time for counting and sharing blesssee that my passionufor good food ings. At this time of year, I like to was probably a blessmg. (Perhaps, look back to when I was a bountiful back in those dark days of the but befuddled hostess, a well-fed bottle, it even saved my life.) But but authentic nervous wreck. Then you can feed a hangover and still I can begin to appreciate anew the starve the soul. At the time, I healing of AA and what it has redidn’t feel so lucky. Just fat. stored. A listening ear, a seeing eye, But if malnutrition wasn’t part of the will to live, the awakening the baggage I brought with me into knowledge of what love is. My this marvelous, life-giving fellow- family and friends, in and out of ship, my other qualifications were AA. Health. The feeling that life convincing. Sickness of soul, rage now has purpose. and outrage, defeat-and loneliness. Let those who can and those who Oh, that awful loneliness! Which wish to, serve the Oysters Rockemakes me wonder suddenly if it’s feller and the champagne. I’ll settle really so important what we serve for the above. And if nothing’s at a party, so long as we’re with cooking, a plate of good store people we care about? If the soft doughnuts will do just fine. But that drinks are cold, the coffee hot and coffee. It’s got to be strong! B. P., Chappnqua, N. Y.

December

life with a new sense of well-being, with complete despair, on the floor, with new self-esteem. cradling my head in the seat of a I went about my shopping as I chair, and cried out, “Dear God, had everything else in my life- what am I to do?” headlong. You see, I hadn’t learned Something happened. Immediateyet that easy does it. I dashed from ly, the room around me was infused shop to shop in a mad frenzy, just as with a great wind-like force. Then, I always had. Jostled by other har- starting at the top of my head and

NEVA ried shoppers, I was in a crowded elevator when I smelled it. The ginladen breath of the jovial gentleman put me in a cold sweat. All at once swelling through my entire being, there was a gentle wave of indescribable peace and calm. I do not know how much time I wanted a drink. The old alcoholic had passed when a dog barked and wheels started to grind out, “Why the voices of children playing outnot? You deserve one after this or- side brought me back to reality. I deal. Have a couple and go on your arose and looked at myself in the way. You don’t have to drink the mirror. Surely I would not have the

D ECEMBER eighteenth found me without one package under the Christmas tree; in fact, December mother was drunk. But I had had a reprieve. Something had happened. Somehow the words Alcoholics town dry, ya know!” Making my way doggedly to the parking lot, the friendly neon signs same appearance, and I did not. My face was like a mask. What had happened? Certainly this bore some eighteenth found me without even Anonymous had gained entrance in- of the bars beckoned enticingly. I holy connotation, so I must look in the tree! Since I had attended my to my booze-befuddled brain, and I was tired, tense and thirsty. It was the Bible for the explanation. Scan- , first AA meeting only four days had made the sanity-saving, life-sav- five o’clock, and the old habit of ning the pages frantically, my eyes I previously, this was understandable. ing call. My sponsor had recom- years’ standing told me it was time fell on these words, blacker and I had been extremely busy. Three mended that I learn the Serenity to have a drink. Relax. Let go. bolder than all the rest: “…you AA meetings and four dry days had Prayer at once; and while I had Somehow I made it home, though defy authority and you refuse to alleviated the shakes, somewhat, and never been one to listen to advice, I have never known which streets I humble yourself to God and your most of the pigeons in my stomach much less to follow it, something traveled or if I observed traffic sig- fellow men.” The story of my life! had stopped vying for position. The had happened to the old rebellious nals or not. Never had such a battle You say this was some freakish time had come when I could pro- me, and I had set about memorizing been waged within a human mind. psychological visitation? The imagcrastinate no longer; I must do the the prayer. My brain was numb from arguing. ining~of a hypersensitive, neurotic necessary seasonal shopping. Fairly exuding serenity and ac- “Have a drink.” “No. No drink to- woman? Oh, no. This was very real, Grooming myself at the bathroom ceptance, I maneuvered my automo- day.” “Oh, for crying out loud! very physical, transcending lucid exmirror, I felt a rare surge of grati- bile through the holiday traffic-con- Knock off the goody-goody stuff and pression. And it would, indeed, be tude. Awareness of the approaching gested streets. Although I was far have a drink.” “No. Not today.” ideal if I could declare that with this season had never really left me dur- from being physically well, I felt “Have a drink.” “No.” “Drink.” blessed experience I became a new ing that last heinous binge, and I good inside. As I left my car in a “NO -N O -NO.” person, bathed in everlasting serenwould imagine, with scalding shame, parking lot, I heard the carols waft- I entered mv house (I had never ity and cleansed of the desire to my explanation to the children of ing from our only skyscraper. Ah, made it a home), deposited my drink. But, as the Persian king of old why Santa had not come to their indeed, peace was on earth, and I packages on the nearest table, stag- said, “Even this shall pass away;” house that year: your gay divorcee had embarked upon my new way of gered &to the living room, dropped, and gradually the good effects dim-

inished along with my good inten- come only when we have taken tions, and seventy-five days later I humble action; when we cease to was dmnk, and I continued to drink defy authority and finally humble in an alcoholic fashion for three ourselves to God and our fellow months. men. Few of us stay completely in- Now, four years later, I feel a ebriated for an extended length of customary surge of gratitude. I know time, and neither did I. I had sober deep contentment. The packages are days and nights when I would drag wrapped and the tree glistens. Peace myself to an AA meeting and leave, beyond understanding reigns in the filled with self-contempt and loath- home which I share in holy matriing. Then, one day, something hap- mony with the ‘one I loved first, pened. . . . some thirty years ago, and with Reading the Twelve Steps for at whom I was reunited after having least the five-hundredth time, I got had a spiritual awakening. the message! The words said, “Hav- Alcoholics Anonymous is a feling had a spiritual awakening as a lowship of men and women who result of fhese Steps. . . .” You see, share. Thank you for letting me even such a phenomenal experience share with you my joy this season as mine does not insure a spiritual my peace this season, as a result of awakening. Such awakening can these Steps. Neva, Abilene, Texas

December 1964

with dainty dresses, a heaped hairdo and slender ankles -and I think we should do something about it. Distaff For starters, here are a few thoughts: Powder pufl: a hooker of cooking Definitions sherry gulped while the old man has his nose in his soup. Bracelet: a series of shots spaced throughout the day. Housecoat: Apparel or handbag A typically misguided male proposes which will conceal a bottle of hooch. that the ladies adopt a new language Bikini: Apparel or handbag which won’t. Beauty nap: Passed out cold.

F OR an organization that’s supposed to be really cooperative in the coed department, AA is cerfamiliarity than for anything inherently ladylike. And I never heard any of them at an AA meeting. Massage: Pounding headache. Needlework: Crawling nerves. Knitting: Dry heaves. tainly missing a big bet in its overly And if a gal member seeks the Shampoo: Backing the car out bemale vocabulary. Yessir, the whole comfort of familiar kitchen words in fore opening the garage doors. lexicon of our (squeezed) Grapes of telling her story, it makes her tale Music: a long, fast guzzle to make Playsuit: Wearing nightgown dur- Wrath has the tinge of the locker no more feminine when she says she the baby’s crying bearable. ing day because of lacking coordinaroom; the boudoir note is all but un- was boiled or fried. These words, Starch: a stiff drink of flavoring tion to get dressed. known. I submit a random choice which in other contexts conjure up extract. Caterer: Liquor store. of words and phrases pertinent to visions of a dutiful Mom, suddenly Sandwich: a shot between two Obviously, the list could go on tosspot living which, though incom- lose their apron and low hemline beers or sherries. and on, and if you have the.time, plete, bears out my point: when preceded by the words I was. Manicure: a few early ones to maybe you’ll lengthen it. But using Belt, shot, cocktail, highball, boil- Since it is a tenet of AA that steady the hands (a hair of the dog). even this brief glossary, don’t you ermaker, sneaky pete, smoke, much of our understanding is based Hi-Fi:DT’s. agree that it would sound more couplabeers, three sheets to the on our sharing experiences, it fol- Stereo Hi-Fi: Hospitalized with feminine if a gal could say somewind, splice the main brace, stoned, lows that many women who ought DT’s. thing like this: swozzled, oiled, skiffed. Toper, tip- to join AA may find themselves in Ironing Board: Mixing together “I woke up to hi-fi every day and pler, tosspot, pot valor, under the a dilemma. There’s a language bar- the dregs of everything left from last had a manicure, but my big trouble table, drunk as a lord. (Never drunk rier, and some see on it a sign read- night’s party. started one day after starching myas a lady.) ing For Men Only. Peeling apples: Recling around self, peeling a few apples and put- Roget’s “Thesaurus” lists “pota- It seems to me that certain fe- the joint trying to find the fixin’s for ting away the ironing board. I had tion, blue ruin, rosy wine, love pot, males would rather stay tight than an Ironing Board. a long beauty nap and woke up to thirsty soul, obfuscated” and a few switch their language to say they Eair de Cologne: Kicked out by a continue my needlework and knitother words and phrases which sneaked a shot, or belted gin, or got sober husband. ting having a massage. I ate my might be thought of as feminine- rancid on boilermakers. The words Perfume: Kicked out by a drunk- very last sandwich, then struggled but that more because of their un- carry an extra jolt when associated en husband. out of my playsuit and into a house-

coat and went to the caterer to make in this amazing aid to female memarrangements for a few bracelets. bership. Somebody has to go into However, I had a shampoo first, so the bars and cocktail lounges and my husband, who was a great music make known the new language. lover himself, gave me a bottle of Who, me? perfume.” Friend, I will gladly sit here think- There, now -a horror story that ing them up till the dawn’s later sounds feminine. It should work light, but 1 simply ain’t a-gonna wonders for bringing in suffering fe- spread the words -not even at the males. caterer’s. There is only one small difficulty W.S. R., East Norwalk, Conn.

January 1965

Did I want to spend that money on for a while, I came to a surprising fun and goodies! But an irresistible realization. What I felt was gratitude On Making Simple Amends power greater than myself literally pushed me to the post office. for the absence of the guilt I would otherwise have had to feel if I had When ‘I got back home I waited frittered the money away. And fritfor the good feeling that should have tered it away is what I would have followed doing the ‘right thing.’ But done, automatically, a few months nothing happened. Nothing at all. I before. was greatly disappointed. What was Today I am very grateful for my The curious result of the use of doing right if I didn’t even Higher Power, which made me do feel good over it? the right thing in spite of myself. doing the right thing After contemplating the situation Nan B., Hollywood, Calif.

E are told in AA to do the right thing and the rewards will eventually come. I may be different, but I want my rewards right now. When I drop a coin in the slot of Life, the slice of pie or the package of cigarettes better pop out man about a job singing in his club. that instant or I’m going to start I didn’t get a permanent one, but he shaking the machine. did hire me to sing that night and I Recent events, however, indicate earned twenty-five dollars. that a change of attitude is being The next morning I was elated forced on me. The rewards I receive thinking about the things I could may not be the same rewards I ex- spend the money on. Then somepect, or demand. It’s taking me time thing happened. I got the sudden to learn that I get a better deal if I urge to pay a bill, one among many don’t try to dictate all the terms of that were long overdue. payment. I certainly didn’t want to pay it, I’m not one of these women but I got dressed and went to the whose “singing career was ruined by local post office, silently protesting drinking.” Mine never actually got all the way. I never did anything under way. One night not long ago, more reluctantly than mail that however, I went (sober) to see a twenty-five-dollar money order. Boy!

January 1965

world, and I nearly died of shame out. He gave me a Rorschach test and guilt. (the ink blots), and said it gave a The half pint of Scotch was a way fairly good sketch of my compulof rationing myself, because I knew sive drinking behavior, and that it My name is not that I could drink that much and indicated “this patient is in imminent go to work the next day and perform need of help.” He said he would my duties-well, at least get by. hesitate to say that I was an alco-

JANE On the weekends I would buy holic, but it looked to him as though more. I could drink all right at times, and About 1950 I began to realize I at other times I had difficulty with had a problem with alcohol, and I drinking, so he thought I should sought help from some of the best watch it! You can guess what I did. professional people in my state. You Then I went to Psychiatrist No. 3, might think that the mere fact I was and this beloved guy knew what this willing to admit to them I had a deal was all about. In fact, I think he drinking problem would have alerted saved my life. After he had very them to my need for help, but, I’m patiently listened to me for eight R ECENTLY I told a girl I know in the business world that I belong to the local Committee on Alcoholhow much help I have gained from AA, from group psychotherapy, and from a very fine psychiatrist. sorry to say, apparently it didn’t. First I went to our family doctor. months, he told me to go to AA. At that time I had just gone for ism. I said I hoped some day to get I had about fifteen years of drink- I would get enough courage about five months without a drink, and I into the field of alcoholism educa- ing before my first contact with AA. two weeks after a drunk to go to had a vacation coming up. That was tion. For many years I drank on what is him and explain that something was more temptation than I could stand “You won’t have to work with commonly called the social level. I wrong with the way I drank. He -two weeks with not a thing to do. those alcoholics, will you?” she wasn’t exactly a spree drinker. and I would look at me and pat me on the So I drank. I got pitch drunk. asked. wasn’t a plateau drinker; I was just a arm (he’d known me for years) and I ended up in a hospital for six I tried’ to explain what alcoholism regular drinker. Whatever I drank, it say, “Well, you’re looking fine, days, and then I went to AA. education would entail, and she re- was sure regular. Jane.” Once, that dear Psychiatrist No. 3 plied, “Well, I guess it will be all Each night on the way home from He said he did not think I was an had told me that what makes a good right as long as you don’t have to the office I would stop and get a alcoholic, and that was all I got out parent is the capacity to love and ‘ work with those alcoholics.” half pint of Scotch. I also used to of him. the ability to allow for growth. This I had to laugh. Little did she stop at a little sundry store and buy Then I went to my first psychia- is what AA is to me and to many, know that she was talking to one of milk, bread and some beer (just in trist. ,After about three months his many thousands of other people, I ‘those alcoholics.’ (I maintain my case the half pint of Scotch wasn’t diagnosis was anxiety state. I’d told believe. personal anonymity even in private enough to knock me out or put me him on my first visit I was anxious AA cares for me, it cares for in the town I live in now; alcoholism to sleep). Once my unconscious -about my drinking! So I went to every alcoholic regardless of the is still a very dirty word here.) tripped me up and I asked the clerk Psychiatrist No. 2. time he has been on the program. Some years ago, however, I would for “a half pint of vanilla ice cream.” I explained to him that I could It cares for the newcomer having not have been able to laugh. Then I I didn’t realize what I had said until drink perfectly all right sometimes, trouble, it cares for the suffering was ashamed to be one of those al- he looked at me kinda funny. Then in a social situation, using great will- alcoholic who has never heard about coholics, and I desperately clung to I remembered ice cream doesn’t power and control, but then I would AA. It cares for those people that anonymity. The change just shows come in half pints in this part of the go home and really knock myself AA can’t reach for one reason or

another. Definitely it meets that who felt as bad as we do would call number-one requirement of a pro- up the doctor and go to a hospital. ductive love: responsibility. In my opinion, our will power is AA will be responsible for me as simply misdirected. But through atlong as I carry out my responsi- tempting to work the Twelve Steps bilities to AA. Somebody recently of AA we learn how to direct our said, “If you think anything is wrong will power into constructive chanwith AA, look in a mirror and you nels. will find out what is wrong with I had worked so hard on Step AA.” Three before moving to this town Another quality of a productive for my new job that I felt there must love is respect. Many of us, when we be some reason for my coming here. come into AA, have lost self- But I haven’t yet found out what it respect. AA helps us regain it. is, and sometimes I get to feeling The inventory Steps of AA help sort of isolated. The snow gets give us self-knowledge, still another deeper, the cold gets colder, the characteristic of productive love. I wind gets wilder, and the job gets have learned fairly well to accept my harder. Recently I went to a meeting own limitations. That is pretty won- when it ,was 25′ below zero. derful, because I was a terrible per- My boss doesn’t know that I am fectionist, especially where other an alcoholic, and .I don’t dare use people were concerned! I have even my own first name on this started learning how to handle re- article. However, if it is found out sentments, and although I’m still im- that I am an alcoholic, I’m prepared patient, 1 have improved almost to state that my AA affiliation is 1000 per cent. more important than this particular AA has led me to a degree of job. emotional sobriety. The Steps which The group here in my new home do that, I think, are Step Three and town celebrates AA birthdays once Step Eleven, both of which talk a month. I’m happy to tell you that about using God’s will power, not not long ago those alcoholics our own. brought out a beautiful cake on I think alcoholics have a lot of which glowed five candles for a will power. We get up out of bed grateful, anonymous alcoholic, me. and go to work, when a nonalcoholic Anon.

January

“He’s going to destroy himself – carefully. Discouraging, isn’t it? (Of but why should yod go down with course, this does not apply to you him?” All well-meaning remarks. who are in the beginnings of what I spent six months or thereabouts you know is going to be the romance in the ‘blessed’ single state. I went to of a lifetime!) I Needed A Psychiatrist another city. I dated AA men. And I observed. As I said, I observed -my own behavior and that of the single AA Perhaps you are one of the many, women I saw around me, many of She was sober, divorced and on the prowl – many divorced members of our Fel- whom had been sober as long as or Then she found help in rebuilding her life lowship. Have you noticed how we longer than I. What were we like? fly into unhealthy emotional en- Tense, nervous, restless, seeking, tanglements with the opposite sex over-loud, over-aggressive, on the in much the same way we pursued prowl. Something was wrong with

w E share our experience, strength and hope with each other as well as we are able. Even though our views may be ‘unpopular.’ I our love affair with the bottle? Have us, I concluded finally. Yes, we were you noticed how these affairs almost sober and doing the best we could. inevitably end unhappily? Why do But was that good enough? Of course, we are told from the you think that is? What is it that With that warning for an intro- makes us put our arm back into the beginning that AA is concerned only duction, here goes. My experience: fire no matter how badly we had with our drinking problem. Yet from eight years sober, reasonably active been burned before? Why do we the inception.of my time in AA I in AA. Married to an alcoholic, also repeat the same old miserable be- repeatedly heard really fine and sober. I I havior patterns over and over de- highly respected speakers state that But he got drunk after eight years spite the fact we always end up hurt- AA was the answer to everything. of sobriety! How did I react? Full of ing ourselves and probably others, Probably for them it was. I have no righteous indignation, I left him and too. quarrel with that. My mistake was in began divorce proceedings. Quite What has gone wrong? Here we thinking that because they got from frankly, it was just the excuse I had are, sober at last and trying sincerely AA everything they needed in every been looking for. There were lots of to lead the good life. But we are department of their lives, I would things wrong with him sober, but lonesome, so terribly lonesome that too. drunk he was intolerable. Of course, it’s a physical pain. Surely, we I finally had to admit I still had there was nothing very much wrong think, we are entitled to settle down emotional problems (that mostly I with me. I was ‘living’ this program at long last with a partner and live kept hidden under a cloak of rightto the best of my ability and what happily ever after. So we reach eous do-goodedness) Underneath. more could a person do? out.. . . the surface of things the pot was So I left him and my AA friends I But look around you at the mar- boiling. The crisis that was brought backed me to the hilt. “He couldn’t riages or affairs in your circle of AA about by my marriage breakup have been working the program acquaintances (and usually every- forced me to look -really look properly or this wouldn’t have hap- one in the group – – knows when a at my own sick behavior. I found I pened.” “He just never hit bottom.” couple is having an affair). O r take had to do something about myself. “It’s simple. He wants to drink your own experiences in AA with My answer? To seek out help to more than he doesn’t want to drink.” the opposite sex. Examine them do what I (even with help of -AA

and God as I understood Him) had more than sobriety to make us into not been able to do. mature, responsible individuals. Of I needed a psychiatrist, I felt. course, sobriety is the first step. Deep down in the depths of me there Without it there is no hope, and I was a cancer that had to be re- shall be eternally grateful to AA moved. I had understood that vague- for providing my own. But I contend ly for a long time. And I had set there is more, much more, and that about removing it in my own way. some of us need to tear away the old Only after I had done everything I structures down to the very foundacould with all the resources I pos- tion (which too often we find was sessed -and failed -only then was built on shifting sand). Then, we I willing to place myself in the hands must build again. Our new structure of a skilled professional whose job will be built upon a rock and made it is to uncover and dig out the cause strong enough to stand, no matter of emotional dis-ease. what the pressures, either from with- Yes, it worked. My husband and in or without. I are back together and I believe we Only then, I believe, will we be have a new, mutually rewarding un- able to move forward to fulfill our derstanding of ourselves and each roles as responsible human beings, other that augurs well for our future both in AA and in the world in ‘ together and for our individual lives. general. My personal belief is that it takes Anon., Palm Springs, Calif.

February 1 9 6 5

ing out countless three-minute pe- meaning now isn’t just a few lines riods. It was three or four months in the Unabridged. It’s a part of before I could begid biting off my life! Mine, even, on occasion. life in day-sized hunks, and feel this To return to the beginning: how entire period might stay under con- had I managed to stay sober for five trol. Now I know that I shall not miraculous (though sometimes pretty drink today. Squirreled I may get, shook!) months? Then I began to The View from Five Months but sobriety is mine for the next remember. There were the meetings. twenty-four hours. I sometimes contemplated bringing Second: they told me it would get my sleeping bag to the hall, since They told her it would get easier, but for a easier. They said the sleeplessness going home hardly seemed worth the in the small dark endless hours, the trip. There were the empty cups and while a day looked like seventy-three years nervousness, the nightmares and, overfull ashtrays -but which of us above all, my constantly recurring beginners hasn’t gone that route? compulsion, would lessen and then Above all, though, there were, leave me. I could not believe it. They and are, the people. They said,

R ECENTLY, at an out-of-town meeting, they asked me to talk, and I began: “By midnight, I shall the top right off your head! It used to brew where my son could smell, but never find it -behind the botwere right, but it was several months “Call.” This is literally true: I had before I saw much change. Then, been on the program almost exactly finally, there was a day when I had three months when my phone, worn have been sober for five months!” tom panel of our prewar refrigera- a legitimate crisis, and my mouth out, fell,apart in my hand one day! Everyone clapped, and applause is a tor. Around the motor there was had the taste of vodka in it all after- There were’the midnight talks with lovely thing to hear, but then I en- room for two gallons and three or noon, but I had no conscious desire my sponsor, when she, poor hardlarged on what they were actually four half-gallons, a constantly re- to drink, no need to battle myself, working, half-sick gal, couldn’t quite .. honoring. . newed and renewing supply. because the urge was not there. Re- keep her eyes open, but stayed I wondered how I have managed When I first came on the program, cently, I’ve gone through several awake for the sake of my well-being, to stay sober these five months, be- members told me three interesting, events which were formerly more ignoring her own. There was the day cause I’m basically still so shook I though to me unbelievable things. than sufficient cause for self-con- when, completely shook, the only can make an acorn tree in autumn First: anybody can stay sober for gratulation or commiseration and I thing I could manage to say to anlook as unsquirreled as the middle the twenty-four hours of today. But did not even think about getting a other member was, “Talk to me!” of the Sahara. For the first time for fouled-up me, any given twenty- bottle. My thought patterns have She knew what I was going through, in several years I’m clearheaded four hours could easily be seventy- already changed so much that and had the compassion to hold on I enough to look at my personal prob- three years long – and nobody neither “My God, what hell! I need while I battled within myself. There lems and, as for all of us alkies, knows if he can stay sober for that a drink!” nor “This is wonderful- was the night when, even after a some of them are lulus. I’ve even length of time. I’ll have a drink and celebrate” is meeting, I called another member managed to pick up a few extras I thought: the liquor store was a any longer a part of my daily or and said, “I’m going to be sober for – since I’ve been sober. My drinking pattern had been block down (as I well knew from times my home supply fermented hourly thinking. tomorrow night’s meeting if I have Third: they mentioned serenity. to keep every AA member in town maybe one day with the cork in the too slowly) so if I didn’t walk out That, to me, has from my earliest awake all night!” He laughed and jug and the next three weeks with it the door right now I couldn’t be childhood just been a word in Web- talked to me for an hour. One afterout. I’d made my own supply, a getting drunk three minutes away – ster’s. I won’t say I have it -but noon a gal, just out of bed from the nauseating brew, but cheap and po– and that’s how I managed it most of I’m learning the definition, and its flu, spent hours riding around with , tent.iI;;ord love a duck, it could blow my first month or six weeks, sweat-

me, because I didn’t have the cour- helped me have not been sober since, age to go home and face my prob- but their help has given me my lems there. There was the evening I sobriety. got off work to find two members, So the other night, when I said, whom I’d phoned earlier, outside the “I have been sober-come middoor with an accurate “We thought night -for exactly five months!” tonight might be rough -how about and everyone clapped, what they a cup of coffee?” And then there was were applauding, and we all knew it, the night someone else took me out was not me, but the work and devoin the country and stopped, explain- tion I’ve been given, miflute and ing, “There are deer in this thicket. hour at a time, by an entire town If you can be absolutely quiet, they’ll full of AAs, so that I could build a start moving around.” So I was, and pattern of sobriety for myself. What they did. they applauded was simply another My sobriety was built of all these miracle, created from endless bits of little pieces of love and understand- AA compassion, and now becoming ing and compassion from other alco- the mosaic of my increasingly adeholics. Some of the people who quate, and sober, adjustment to life. L. D. F., Chico, Calif.

February 1965

hold ‘all-white’ meetings to go to my explain away the hurts they are to home group, which is integrated. encounter the rest of their lives. Even in this group I see, feel and I have a twelve-year-old girl who hear social prejudice. I’ve seen and is totally blind and it’s really heartheard enough of it to be thoroughly warming to see the utter indifference ashamed. Are we, even in this won- she displays to the color of a playderful program, “keeping Negroes mate’s skin. After all, it’s the perin their place”? If they don’t live in sonality of a person that should at- ‘ a large metropolitan area, that’s tract, not the bank book, or family where, in all likelihood, they will history, or church or club affiliation, have to go to get sobriety and a , or color of skin. helping hand. No, we don’t put up No, I can’t change the world, as a signs, or draw dividing lines, but I friend of mine has pointed out to me don’t think we’re going to kid any- a couple of times.. But if we all did body if our secret attitude is hostile. just a little bit, it sure would add up PTER what all of us alcoholics milies and communities. Feelings of A have been through, must we still have someone to look down on? guilt and remorse produced further undesirable behavior. If we honestly (remember, ours is an honest program) try to stand in a Negro’s shoes for a few minutes, -and make for a lot of brotherly love instead of dog-eat-dog and tromp-on-anybody. I may even run It sometimes seems that ,way. When we encounter colored men there would be no need for a Civil and women at our meetings, how into prejudice when I send this in to If you’ve strayed very far down Rights Bill. (I’m speaking here, of the Grapevine, andibe told to read the road of alcoholism, you’re cer- many of us realize that these are course, of the whole population, not tainly aware of the psychological people who have spent their entire the Tenth Tradition again. I mainlives under oppression, such as we’ve just the AA population.) tain that this is not an ‘outside issue,’ and social consequences involved. Think how we’ve forced Negro Our alcoholic behavior was socially known but for a few years, and then but a moral issue affecting e&h and unacceptable in most cases; there- only because of our drinking, not mothers and fathers, for generations, every one of us. So it may, just may, fore, society was hostile. Very often our color? to take their children aside, at age also affect our sobriety one time. we became isolated from our fa- I travel through three towns which six or seven I imagine, and try to 1. D., Trenton, Mich.

March 1965

I Am I Special? Will buses and taxis materialize when I want day, if I worked hard enough on enjoyed quite a long, lovely, egothem, and will my novel be a best seller? the Steps, and meditated and prayed warming period of feeling that I was often enough, I might gain this sort the cherished pet of my Higher of belief. Power. At times I had marvelous My mind, however, was not very feelings of omnipotence, almost as

L ET’S say it’s summer and that otherwise would be the cruelest of storm warnings have been delusions. posted all along the coast where I I knew a woman once who betractable as yet. Or perhaps, having embraced no religion nor spiritual practice since my teens, I was rusty. powerful as I once used to get from a bottle. In my group I was always an live. A hurricane is on its way. Al- lieved that no matter where she went Anyhow, even though I meditated officer. I spoke often. I did everyready the ten-foot tides and hun- the sun would shine just because she arduously one day, I might forget all thing by the book, to the best of my dred-mile winds have brought havoc was there. When I met this woman about meditating for the next three ability. I was convinced that I was all along the Eastern seaboard. 1 was very new in AA. She had days. Or if I prayed fervidly for faith practicing the greatest humility, hon- The hurricane may blow out to been sober on theprogram for many and enlightenment for two days esty, unselfishness and love. I took sea and miss my area. It may not. years. She lived alone; she worked straight, I might forget to pray at on sponsorship of several new mem- I keep the radio on, listening to re- at some sort of clerical job that gave all for the next two days (with the bers, confident that I would keep ports of the storm’s speed and its her a minimal wage, yet she seemed exception of my morning request for them sober and show them how to path. As I listen, I make orderly radiantly happy. She did more strength to stay sober that day). work the program. When it didn’t plans to evacuate my home, should it Twelfth Step work than anyone I After such lack of persistence, and work out that way I gave up sponbecome necessary. In former years had met. She had protegbs all over berating of self, I . had concluded sorship, saying that I was obviously I would have tossed clothes into a the place. They were young, old, men gloomily that I would never attain not intended for that branch of AA suitcase at the last moment, stuffed as well as women. She told me she even minor sainthood. I was far too activity. To salve my conscience, I frightened cats into carriers, and rose each morning at six o’clock so earthbound; much too pragmatic. worked harder than ever for the scurried to a rescue boat which that she would have a full two hours Nevertheless, during this time of group. Then lo and behold, the would carry me to the mainland and to spend in meditation and prayer spiritual effort, I did establish my group had elections and for the first safety. before she had to go to work. She own conception of my Higher time I held no office. Now, I do not believe that the belonged to no church, but she had Power. And believe me I was just as I felt like a bustling executive who hurricane will miss my area or my a Higher Power of her own and she . special to my Higher Power as my had been abruptly retired. As a laytown or my house just because 1 believed totally that she was so spe- friend was to hers. Then, having ar- man I didn’t know what to do with happen to be residing there. I be- cial to that Power that nothing bad rived at this conclusion, I went on myself at meetings. I had always lieve that I am as subject to the could ever befall her. to suppose that I was also pretty been so busy with group affairs I had laws of nature as any other living This simple and absolute faith special to my AA friends, to my spent little time talking to newcomcreature. In my opinion, to believe made me envious. I hoped that one group and to the world at large. I ers and now I found it almost im-

4, It was a cold, hard winter and the bad things can happen to M s just perish of the disappointment. For possible to do so. The old shyness as bad things happen to honest deand fear of rejectiop returned. I hid sun shone little. She came less and even in the Bible it states plainly cent people who are not M s . that the sun rises on the evil as well behind the coffee table, filling cups less to meetings. When she did come, So I finally decided that my and passing cake -and incidentally late, she didn’t seem to be listening. Higher Power would not get me a as the good, that the rain falls on the showing the group what wonderful I spoke to her on the telephone a just as well as the unjust. few times; she would never admit bus or taxi or a job or a million Since I am not a theologian, nor humility I had. dollars any more than He would More undermining things began that anything was amiss. do I subscribe to any formal dogma, knock a drink out of my hand if I my spiritual conclusions are my own, to happen. By profession I am a During the next summer, while I were stupid enough to pick one up. writer and I had written a novel was away, she died. I heard that she based solely on my own experience. Quite a lot of twenty-four hours I have sound reason to believe that about a man who, against his will, had been ill again and despondent. have passed since I decided this. I had been moved to do good works Apparently, she had had no really a sincere request for help from my am older and, I hope, wiser. I try to Higher Power is always granted. by his Higher Power. The book did close friends, for her death was not be useful to my group in any capanot sell, anywhere. I could not un- discovered for several days after it Many times I ask for strength to city whatever. After the meetings cope with difficult situations. I rederstand it. In my mind it had t o p occurred. Natural causes, the doctor I seek out people standing alone ped the best-seller list, and the truth said. What did that mean? Malnutri- ceive it. I have asked for guidance, and speak to them. I urge the newer for wisdom and very very often for was that nobody at all wanted it. tion? Loneliness? Self-neglect? Or members to speak, to be officers. I courage, and I am given as much of That same fall, when I returned bitter disillusion? don’t offer gratuitous advice, or these as 1 am able to accept. to my group after a summer away, For months I was haunted by her criticism. 1 don’t have to be a Bleed- If I am special nowadays, it is no one seemed overly excited by my death. How could it happen to one ing Deacon or a Know-it-all Old- only to myself, and it is because I return. There were several new who seemed so dedicated, so spiri- Timer. am sober. I am happy most of the members who had never seen me tual, so special? I no longer believe that I am any time. I have become a giver rather nor heard of me. My friends had That same winter several AA more special than anyone else, either than a taker. But the best of all is new proteges they talked to instead people I knew suffered adversity, in to AA or to my Higher Power. For that I no longer need to be special. of talking to me. The new officers various forms. They were devoted, me to believe this would be danger- Perhaps I have grown up at last, for were getting all the attention. sober members. Also, in that winter, ous. I would expect privilege; I is it not the child in us that demands Facing the truth wasn’t easy or I often heard speakers make-state- would expect favors; and if they did to be everyone’s pet? pleasant, but I did face it. I was no ments such as: “Since I joined AA not materialize I might, just might, longer special, no longer anybody’s I never have to wait for a bus. I F. C., Manhattan, N . Y . pet. Not even, I decided sadly, was always make perfect connections and I special to my Higher Power or He I never have to wait”; or, “I’ve had would have seen to it that my in- one promotion after another since spired novel would have sold. I joined AA”; or “I was so unhappy In the next few months several in my job, the boss was terrible, but more things happened to shake me today he’s gone and the new boss is up. My ‘always sunshine’ friend wonderful.” was running into rain squalls. She How to reconcile the bad happenkept changing jobs – losing jobs, ings and the good happenings? I was really. She had bouts with various puzzled until it occurred to me that viruses. Some of her protegbs were good things can happen to drunks I flouting her advice and seeking other just because they are sober and advisers. Some had gotten drunk. functioning on all five senses, and

March 1965

before. He was a nice fellow that I months, I decided he wasn’t helping dated steadily and had grown to like me, and was only taking my money. very much. Then, by accident, I I could drink and talk to my favorite found out that he drank and liked it bartender with the money he was and could hold it. My admiration costing me. knew no bounds, and so we were So the years passed and things married. I had a lifetime drinking slowly got worse. Life was a mess.

JEANETTE partner. Our marriage started out as one long celebration. About a year after our daughter was born I became very ill. The I still didn’t have any drinking problem! I reached the stage where I couldn’t cope with anything except a drink. My husband and I separated family doctor suggested that I stop several times. Each time we would drinking. He said I was potentially go back together and once again an alcoholic. I laughed because he move to a new neighborhood to start Y name is Jeanette, which isn’t I was in high school and going had told me I couldn’t have a baby over. I would have high hopes that really important. To me, the around with an older crowd. They and I certainly had a beautiful things would change. fact that 1 am an alcoholic is very drank, and I was in my element. healthy one. I ignored him and my They did. They got worse. I finimportant. Now that 1,enjoy a mea- There was nothing I liked better than family and friends that complained ally blew my top and ended up in sure of sobriety, I am able to see to go out to drink. Let me say now, about my drinking. Bellevue Hospital. My mother interhow blind I was for twenty years. that I didn’t drink for any reason ex- I did lose control more often ceded and~gotme out under private . I started drinking at thirteen. I cept that I liked it, and once I now. Sometimes, what started out as psychiatric care. This doctor told drank a large quantity of port wine started I wasn’t ready to stop with a few drinks for the evening went me I was a .schizophrenic. My on a bet. I became very sick and everyone else. Liquor was always on for a week. T o get off the hook, mother told me I wasn’t an alcoholic. drunk and promised myself not to important to me. I realize now that we moved to a new neighborhood I was very happy- I was crazy, a drink wine like that again. it was the measure I used in making and I went to work. I started finding nut. I wasn’t an alcoholic. When I I I My mother had remarried and my friends. If you liked to drink, I was excuses to drink more often. One finally stopped hearing voices and stepfather kept whiskey in the house. glad for your company. If you didn’t day on my way to work I needed a was well again, I had to celebrate. He liked his drinks on weekends. care for it, you didn’t see much of pickup and stopped for a drink. I This time with the doctor’s permis- We didn’t enjoy a mutual admiration me. Everyone I went around with remember having two more. The sion. He suggested that I drink society. He didn’t care for me and drank heavily. In the meantime, I next clear memory came three days nothing but good Scotch whisky I cared less about him. So I dreamed had developed a chronic illness that later and I knew fear for the first and no more than three drinks. He up a way to annoy him without was aggravated by drinking, so quite time. I told my family that I must didn’t say what size glass. I progetting into trouble. I drank his often I went on the wagon. I never be mentally ill for this to happen. ceeded to acquire a taste for Scotch whiskey. considered leaving alcohol alone at I started going to a psychiatrist. and was very successful. So success- This had a twofold result. It was any time. I stopped drinking when Again, I was off the hook. Drinking ful, I was soon a regular customer a form of revenge (I was too big I wanted to ( I should say when 1 wasn’t my problem, so naturally I at the pawnshop. for him to whip) and I also acquired had to or else get very sick). never mentioned it except to say I By 1958 I was drinking wine a great love for liquor. Naturally, By the time I was nineteen I de- drank only on occasion. I didn’t tell again. My husband and I separated my mother didn’t believe him when cided to get married. All my friends him I usually made sure I had an for the last time. He gave me a he complained, because he usually were married or engaged. I had met occasion to drink, and the occasions choice: him or the bottle. I didn’t , overdid it himself. my husband-to-be a couple of years included him. After a couple of have any choice. By now I couldn’t

live without a drink, or so I thought. by AA in the Twelve Steps- a The next two years, I lived in a model for today and all my todays. nightmare. Guilt, fear and remorse There are two things I’ve learned were my daily companions. I no from this program. First, to surlonger had any friends; they crossed render completely to the fact that I the street when they saw me. Most was fighting a losing battle with the of the time I was a drinking zombie. bottle. I gave up and through de- Finally, one day I woke up one more feat I won. Second, to change myself time in a strange room with a because the world isn’t going to stranger and knew I had to get help. change to suit ‘poor little old me.’ I couldn’t take it any longer. I This is a battle that frankly keeps called my mother and told her I me rather busy. It’s just this simple: wanted to come home. I was sick whatever that’s in me that led me and tired of the way I lived. down the alcoholic road to misery I But I hadn’t reached my bottom don’t want any part of! I realize that yet. Little did 1 know that for the I have to put away the childish next year and a half I would sink things and grow up. I spent fourteen further in despair because now I months in an institution, but because drank and didn’t want to; that I of this God-given program I have would lose my last friend, my the tools to live without the bottle. mother, by death; that I would seek I am home now, another cog in death myself as the only peace I the wheel of this Fellowship. I’ve could ever know; that instead I been given a second chance to be would go to prison for a crime com- the kind of mother I’ve always mitted in an alcoholic fog and fin- wanted to be. Yes, I have the greatally learn how to live through a est of all gifts: the return of my program called AA. daughter and her love. Yesterday I When I started attending AA only existed, without hope for anymeetings in prison, my prayer for thing but misery! Today I live with help was answered. One of the wom- hope because I carry a message of en used an expression which fits hope to other alcoholics. This proexactly what happened to me in this gram works and for these reasons: Fellowship. “I started living when I you want sobriety badly enough, and stopped crying and started trying.” once you have it you share it with I tried to work the pattern given me others. I . S., St. Nicholas Group, N. Y .

April 1965 4. * 8 2

in a bottle I generally drink it for suicide. So, for almost four years, -” My Name Is breakfast,” I admitted. “But that’s while I was seeing him, I hardly not drinking in the morning. That’s drank at all. This seemed to me to just my fruit juice!” prove that I was not an alcoholic. I Although I often had qualms know now that an alcoholic cannot about my drinking, I didn’t for a stop drinking for someone else. You

ELOISE moment think I was an alcoholic, because I was sure I could control it. When I went home to visit my family I could go for weeks without have to give up drinking for yourself. When my AA friend stopped coming around, I was frightened. . What would happen to me now? I a single drink. In fact, until I joined began to drink again, not very much AA, my relatives didn’t even know at first, but I had lost my tolerance I drank too much. But when I’d get for alcohol. Drinks affected me difback into my job environment (in ferently. I felt as though something another city) with drinking com- had gone wrong with my brain. And D URING my childhood I had very little contact with liquor, because there was practically no drinkserved, “Ugh! I wouldn’t drink that horrible stuff!” Afterwards, a friend bawled me out and said I was rude. panions, I was right back where I left off. At five o’clock I had to have oh, those awful, wretched, pounding, sick hangovers! Sometimes they’d ing in my family. Then one night, So at the next party my manners im- a drink. And later on, there were last for days. when I was about seventeen, a group proved and I drank a cocktail. At long lunches, too -with cocktails At about this time I was invited of us -boys and girls -had din- further parties I was even more or sherry. to my first ,AA meeting. When I ner at an Italian restaurant, with polite, drinking two or three. When But it wasn’t until I gave up my heard the stories I thought they were wine. After drinking about three I drank more than three I’d talk or job to free-lance as a writer, work- interesting but I had never pulled glasses I suddenly began to scream. laugh too loudly. Sometimes I cried. ing at home, that I began drinking out anyone’s hair in a barroom The kids rushed me out to the car Many are the parties I’ve been alone, wine mostly because it seemed brawl (although I almost did once), and had to hold me down. 1 just dragged out of in hysterics. Drink- safer and was cheap. I used to hide or been locked in a padded cell, or wish I’d known then that my reac- ing was not for me! bottles from myself. Crazy? had DTs. I was entirely daerent! tion to those first drinks was a pretty But I tried to drink like other I began to be afraid of big bottles. I didn’t belong! good sign that I was an alcoholic – To have a gallon jug of wine in the But at my second meetin .I heard that I was allergic to alcohol and should never, under any circumpeople and after a while I began to develop a certain tolerance for alcohol. In fact, I wanted and exhouse was almost as scary as harboring an atom bomb. I never could X a man’s case that sounde almost like mine. He also drank wine alone. stances, take a drink. I’ve learned pected liquor at every social occa- seem to leave anything in the bottle! Even his closest friends didn’t know since that a certain percentage of sion and when I went to someone’s So, I began buying tenth-size bottles he had a problepl. Then he said people can’t tolerate alcohol. I’ve house where I wasn’t sure liquor and, toward the end, little sample something about “the insanity of learned also that alcoholism is a would be served, I took a bottle. I bottles. that first drink,” and I suddenly redisease, incurable, at least up to thought then that this was just a During this period, I met a mem- alized that my queer sensations, now, but that it can be arrested. polite gesture. I could certainly ra- ber of Alcoholics Anonymous who fears, depressions, headaches, nau- After that experience at the Ital- tionalize my behavior. For instance, had been very sick from drinking. I sea, dizziness, the hoarseness in my ian restaurant, I didn’t drink for I’d swear I never drank in the mom- saw a lot of him. I was afraid if I voice, were caused by wine. Since several years. I was afraid of alco- ing. “But you drink wine some- drank I might start him drinking that night six years ago, I haven’t hol. I remember saying once at a times,” someone reminded me. again and he told me if he took one had one single drink. And I think d i i e r party when cocktails were “Oh, yes. If there’s some left over drink it was the same as committing these last years have been the best .

of my entire life. My health has im- AA meetings. It isn’t so much fun proved remarkably. New energy has any more to go to parties where seemed to well up in me and I’ve there’s a lot of drinking. And if it had fascinating jobs. weren’t for the contacts with other During my first two years in AA recovered alcoholics, life could be there were times when I was tempted pretty lonesome. to take ‘just one little drink.’ But There are, however, other, deeper then, just as I was about to pick up reasons why I feel a need to keep in the glass, I’d seem to hear someone close touch with AA. It has to do say: “Remember, one drink means a with the so-called ‘spiritual side’ of thousand.” Or “Do you think that the program. Someone asked me redrink will help you?’And I’d push cently: “Don’t you still have the the glass away. After each such in- complexes and frustrations which cident I’d call up a friend in AA or caused you to drink in the first rush to a meeting and soon all place?” I don’t know exactly what thought of taking a drink would caused my drinking and I no longer vanish. But after six years, shouldn’t care. Since I’ve been attending AA I be safe? No. I’ve learned that alco- meetings and have followed the holism is a progressive disease. Even Twelve Steps, I’ve been relieved of if an alcoholic is dry for a long time all sorts of anxieties, fears, phobias I believe that his disease has become and guilt feelings – and I had many worse. I heard about a man who had of them before I ever started to stopped drinking for forty years. drink. I seem, at last, to be learning When he was in his seventies he de- to solve my problems instead of cided one little drink wouldn’t hurt running away. And to me, this is the him. But that one drink set him off. miracle of AA: not only has it He kept on drinking continuous- stopped my drinking, but also it ly for ten days, then he died. seems to have relieved me of a But to keep from drinking is only great burden of resentment, anxiety one of the reasons why I still attend and guilt. E. K., Mill Valley, Calif.

May 1 9 6 5

than a normal drinker might have not hide bottles of whiskey around under the same circumstances. the house to use in cases of emer- My Name Is We took up the very common pat- gency? tern of social drinking in suburbia, When we had guests I was always cocktailing and partying, and things alert to the possibilities of dinner’s were great. Except me. I was always burning up or some other catastronervous and just a little bit scared, phe in the kitchen. I’d duck out of never quite sure of myself or of my the living room to my secret cache

BETTY abilities, never knowing if people really liked me although I had many friends -and still have, thank God. I was hardly worthy of their behind the flour can or the radiator; I managed to keep pretty far ahead of my built-in FBI. Or so I thought. It turned out they were more aware loyalty as things progressed. I don’t than I realized. Bourbon in my . 1 need to tell you all about those fears Cokes, in my coffee, in my orange and apprehensions, or about the juice, all these little tricks didn’t great plans I made and the great fool them; so of course you know things I was going to do any minute what happened. I entered the d e CTUALLY, I never had any com- now, like a female Walter Mitty, all fiant stage of alcoholism in which I A pelling reason to drink in the first place, if you want to discount a type of thing, plus the ability to talk. ( I was at one time known as Silent Cal. Now you know how old I am.) the time secretly resenting my friends who were doing them. boldly poured my liquor right out into a glass instead, of drinking it rather peculiar childhood – and At school when classes were bor- One day I made a truly exciting out of the bottle. After all, “Whose who can’t lay claim to one of those? ing or interfered with my outside and startling discovery. Why, I business is it anyway?” I drank because I liked it and, be- activities, I dropped them. By the asked myself, should I go around Blackouts were taking up half my cause, although I was not aware of end of two years of college the all nervous and jittery when there time by now; the doctors had started it at the time, I am an alcoholic. Not whole thing was a drag -there was was all that lovely booze in the getting on my neck with the mention that I thought so then. Nervous, yes, too much work to make up, and basement. Why wait for cocktail of cirrhosis and other dire things. I and high-strung, of course, but never who needs it anyway? About this time or a luncheon or some occa- suffered numerous accidents includthat! time I married a fine and under- sion? We did quite a bit of enter- ing a broken leg, but real compul- My first experiences in college – standing man who, I am sure, had taining and kept a full supply. My sion, both physical and mental, had ‘way back, bootleg style-were cer- no idea what was in store for him husband drank right along with me now set in and drinking had betainly not fatal, but not exactly nor- with his little darling. so who could criticize me if I had a come my way of life and my solumal either, as I always seemed to Like most couples during the few during the day to settle my tion to all problems. If I had been be away ahead of my friends and al- Depression, we didn’t have much nerves – not, so help me, when I scared and nervous before, I now ways in some kind of trouble. I money to throw around and we was about to attend a PTA meeting became terrified – trapped in the came from a non-drinking family, didn’t do much drinking. Children or something really serious, but just Glass Cage of my own making. My as so many of us do, but I loved the came along, we were busy and hap- now and then when life seemed a bit family had very little use for me, effect of alcohol. I liked what it did py. ‘There were no major crises in insupportable. leaving me to my own devices as for my inferiority complex (or anx- our lives, except one I recall: the I As time went on I was subjected much as possible, but they did proiety neurosis, or you name it). I sudden death of my parents within to some surveillance by my husband tect me to some extent or 1 would loved the courage it gave me, the one week’s time, which caused me to and older children. So another bril- not be telling this kind of story but , gay, madness, the belle-of-the-ball resort to the bottle more, I suppose, liant thought occurred to me: Why one far worse. When the day comes

that our magic medicine turns into portant desire to stay sober no mata real witch’s brew – a grim neces- ter what. sity for survival – anything can When I am asked how long I happen to us, protected or aban- have been in AA I am always hard doned alike. put to find an answer. For three long Finally, came AA, but not the years I played around the fringes, end of my story. It took me six coming back in when I became months to get up enough nerve to desperate and frightened, going back contact AA and exactly three out when something displeased months to decide it was not for me. me. I went through sponsors and The honeymoon was over. groups like a broken-field runner, I took all of my character defects never able to understand why they right to the meetings with me but couldn’t save me, always evading instead of making any effort to my responsibilities and failing to overcome them I was defiant and make that total commitment to this uncooperative, quick with criticism program and this way of life. I cried and analysis, bored with ‘clich6s and the war cry of the complete alcoplatitudes,’ and appalled at the pros- holic -“Do something for me!” pect of a lifetime without the bottle. Last July I celebrated my third To my surprise and horror, my re- anniversary of continuous and very turn to drinking didn’t make me happy sobriety. I no longer question happy either, although I tried des- why it took so long or why it fiperately to pretend it did. Unknown nally took. It is enough for me to be to me, that little seed had been sober today. What else but the grace planted and I was now being drawn of God and the faith so many people back by the pull of this remarkable had in me could have kept heading Fellowship of ours. I knew now that me back through that wonderful somewhere there was a better life, door of Alcoholics Anonymous but I would forget that some effort which is never shut to you if you was necessary on my part, some want to enter it -once or a hunwillingness, most of all that all-im- dred times? B. D., Wilmette, Ill.

June 1965

and farther afield, to work up to My solution is to dump all my probsuch an ambitious trip as the one to lems concerning a trip in a travel Alaska. Many alcoholics are afraid agent’s lap and let him worry about to travel. It’s not until we build up it -that’s what he’s for. So far I’ve a strong faith and surrender our- had no trouble and the agent has selves to God’s care that we can done far better than I could have attempt a long journey to a distant myself. Faith helps in the preparaspot. tion for a trip as in anything else. During my early days in AA After the initial preparations and even short trips by car to the local reservations for a long journey are ‘ grocery store were difficult hurdles made, don’t think about the whole io cross. The longer trips to town thing all at once. It may be too much I: seemed impossible in the beginning for you to swallow, so break it without the customary drink to down into twenty-four-hour intersmooth out the tensionoof the road. vals. Plan what you’ll do in the next On the Open Road : After I got going I was all right, but twenty-four hours to get ready to go i it was that getting going! – and then forget it. For a long time I dreaded plane Allow enough time! Fortunately I She can travel again without fear i / trips -it seemed there was aiways have ample time to prepare for trips i a plane crash somewhere just be- in a leisurely fashion, or I think I after house-bound years o f alcoholism / fore we were to take off. Also it was have, but something unforseen ala temptation to take that free drink ways happens to slow up arrangeon the plane when I was jittery any- ments. It’s best to have things done way. Then I discovered a prayer ahead to avoid last-minute frustration and worry. A T last I’ve smashed the imaginary he wouldn’t go on our planned trip chains which bound me to the to Alaska with me because I was booze bottle and weighed the imag- drinking too much! So that time we that helped me. Now I can relax enough while air-borne to know what I’m reading. When I’m temp- It may be hard to leave the security and familiarity of home, inary anchor which held me fast to canceled our beautiful reservations ted to try to hold the plane up in but you’ll find your fears will fade my darkened bedroom. Thanks to and stayed home. I’m thankful we the air I realize I can’t do any good into the distance in the joy of doing my Higher Power, I can ride in any didn’t go then because I enjoyed the that way. and seeing something new. You kind of conveyance from plane to trip to the utmost this time. Five Many alcoholics hesitate to travel won’t even stop to wonder if the bus, without fear, and hence without years ago I doubt if I should have because it means they must leave dogs are being fed or the grass is a drink. That nameless, horrible ter- been able to pierce my enveloping their safe little fenced-in twenty- being cut once you’re on your way. ror of the unknown which clutched alcoholic fog long enough to see four-hour shelters long enough to Wfien we’re sober we can appreciate me and aborted any attempt to the majestic snow-capped mountains make some plans and reservations. It God’s world-wide wonders. leave home has been put to flight. dropping so sharply to the sea, or would be nice if we could just pick Take advantage of everything on I’ve just returned from a delightful their blue-green glaciers snaking up and go as the spirit moved us in the trip, but don’t get too tired. I’ve cruise to Alaska, my longest trip towards the ocean. I wouldn’t have that particular twenty-four hours, found it a good rule, when my feet since I joined AA over four years made any new friends either. but unfortunately reservations on feel as if they’ll fall off from too ago. It’s significant because just five It took four-and-a-half years of. planes, trains and in hotels are nec- much sightseeing, to stop, rest and years ago my husband announced gradually increasing travel, farther essary during the crowded seasons. have a bite to eat. I learned this at

an early age from my grandmother grateful that God allowed me to go who could out-sightsee anybody and that He gave me the ability to even at the age of seventy-five! appreciate the things I saw. Al- Resentments could pile up if I let though I felt dwarfed by the towerthem. I try to soft-pedal the why- ing mountains and the vast reaches does-it- always-have-to-happen-to- of sky and sea, I knew He was me attitude whenever I travel. Such with me all the way, on plane, ship, things as unusually bad weather, train or bus. He’s granted me a colfaulty plumbing, or delays in getting lection of vividly beautiful travel started could happen to anybody. memories to light the inevitable After every journey I feel truly quiet times in my life. F. J . T., Crescent, Mo.

July 1965

one meeting without getting drunk you to find out all you can about

“I would do anything.. .It -can’t you?” his illness, alcoholism. “Well -yes.” You begin to learn all you can Repeat a little later, followed by about what he will be doing to overmore of the same with loss of con- come it (the treatment) so you will tinuity -going only when he feels know what he is striving for. You like it, too, and loss of interest. This listen to, learn and practice those is where you discontinue paying Twelve Steps yourself -for youryour sobriety insurance premiums. self. This is the most important An insurance policy takes care of thing you can do to help him. Pracan accident. There may never be tice those Twelve Steps -to the one but you will both need this in- best of your ability. Read the Famsurance policy should he have be- ily Group Book. Read the Big come “nervous and tense today” or Book. Read the literature. Don’t “lost that contract” or “just got only read these things – study thirsty” or “just don’t know what them. Become well informed on this much, for I no longer feel alone nor happened but there I was with that most important problem that can drink in my hand.” If you know make or break your home, and re- Case One what your insurance policy covers, alize that much depends on you. Has this happened to you? Time you could cash in on it here -or Remember you do not sustain interpasses. He is doing fine – staying you could say, “AA is fine but it est in things you know nothing sober. You get contented. “I don’t didn’t work for my husband.” about; you do sustain interest in – feel like going to the meeting tonight. ~ f t e rall, I don’t have 6 go. Have you demanded sobriety, on your own terms? things you know something about -and the more you know the HO among us – the nonalco- 1t’s his problem – not mine. And Case Two greater your interest. You will not holic~- has not said “I I’m tired of the same old drinking Or -has this happened to you? be bored at AA meetings if you do would do anything if my husband stories.” (Watch it -with this at- You come to meetings with him. this. The stories may become old would stop drinking”? titude, you only came to ‘get’- You are bewildered, frustrated, stuff to you after a period of. time, He does, and comes into AA. We with no thought of ‘giving.’) Next heartbroken and beat. You meet but not if you listen with your are so happy. God has answered our week or so you are too tired, or other women who are helpful and heart. Keep your heart open to the prayers. Now everything will be something, and soon a continuous friendly. You can talk to them new man especially, who makes his fine. And I love the program, too. haphazard pattern develops. about your problem. How good it first stumbling lead. Understand the Life is no longer hopeless. It all has Result – naturally, loss of inter- is to talk to someone who under- courage it takes for a man who has a beautiful glow. He’s changed. He est in the program and the people, stands – someone who has been never before gotten on his feet to even wants to help other people. and forgetfulness of what it was like through the same thing. They are speak to a group. This program must What a change! I can hardly wait when he was drinking. Then – “So happy -that gives you hope. You mean a very great deal to him for from meeting to meeting. It helps and so invited us for cards tonight want to know what you can do to him to make this effortwith shakme, too. And the relief in being and I accepted.” help. They tell you to come to the ing knees and fear of boring people. able to talk to other women who “But this is my meeting night.” meetings with an open mind. They Appreciate his effort, his sincerity have had the same trouble means so “I know, but surely you can miss tell you your husband has an illness -never mind his delivery. The and it will be helpful to him and to AAs have told him that giving a

lead will not only help him -but from this program in order to have others also – and so he is willing something to ‘give’ when the opporto do his best. His wife will be tunity presents itself. nervous that first night and she You will be if you are sustaining needs you then -just as you your husband’s interest and enthusineeded someone the first night your asm with your interest and enthusihusband gave his first lead. asm, and his success with his pig- Now -are you one o f those who eon by knowing how to help his will he there? You will be if you wife; if you are as concerned about have learned to love these people the new man’s success as you were for their weaknesses and their with your husband’s. And when you strengths – not just to hear the have had some small part in reunitstories. ing a family you will be grateful You will be, if you have prepared that you asked, “What can I do?” yourself to help the newcomer’s We nonalcoholics have a choice. wife; if you have asked for oppor- We can remember we said, “I would tunities to help others as you have do anything if my husband would been helped. stop drinking” – or -we can for- You will be if you ‘get’ something get it. ALANON~~OUS

August 1965

reason to believe I was undesirable an over, who, it turned out, had not or untouchable. I was hurt. been to the previous meeting. She I left with tears in my eyes and said that she had heard my comsat in my car for a few seconds and plaint many times. She always cried. I thought, “I’m sober and I looked for newcomers herself, she THE STRANGER have a wonderful sister and brotherin-law to go home to, plus a backtold me, but knew that she was one of the few who did. ground of many wonderful AA After the meeting, she introduced meetings.” I wondered, though, me to many of the women and told what I would have done if I had them all my story. They were all She was not a newcomer – been new and alone and had been very apologetic and said it was beseeking AA as my last resort. cause their group was so big. I It was hard to go to sleep that told them I had been to much larger but a warm welcome to everyone. Although many of night. Among other things, I won- meetings and that my own home them smiled back and some even dered if 1 had ever been as cold to group was twice the size of theirs. would have helped returned my “Hi,” none left their a stranger in my home group. I do One woman said she had not own little conversation groups to ask not think so. Howev’er, I know after seen me. I told her that I knew it, me if I were a newcomer or a visitor. this experience I will put forth even because I had seen her and she had more effort. I LEFT my home in California the I stood in line for coffee even first of last June to travel around though I didn’t want any, thinking the United States. I planned to that would be a way to get ac- I wrote a very bitter letter to the Grapevine that night, but, as I have talked only to her own little clique. I must say they all took it beautifully, and they determined to do spend five months visiting friends quainted. No luck. I took my coffee been taught in AA, I tore it up and something about it. They had a and relatives here and there, but and roamed around, making it very decided to go right back to the meeting a few nights later and demy primary purpose was to find obvious that I would like to get ac- people who had hurt me and tell cided to make it their regular praclandscapes to paint along the way. quainted. No luck. them about it. tice to shake hands with the per- My family was very concerned The meeting started. No one sat At the next meeting, I went to sons on one’s right and left at meetabout my traveling alone; they on either side of me. One of the the secretary and asked her if I ings, to get acquainted. . feared that I would get lonesome. I speakers mentioned that AA was so could speak to the group for two I am glad God sent me back to assured them this wasn’t possible. I warm and friendly – everyone ex- minutes. She said they just did not tell them of my hurt instead of alcould find an AA meeting wherever tended a hand to the newcomer. do that at their meetings, and she lowing me to send the bitter letter I went, and I would never be with- Actually, I had been in the program asked if I couldn’t talk to her. I to the Grapevine. These people are out friends. five years and four months, but no told her what I wanted to tell the now my friends; I went home to And sure enough, as I started one there knew that, and no one whole group: that they were the California with love instead of reeast, I found that I was received extended a hand to me! coldest, most unfriendly group I had sentment in my heart because I warmly. I was even asked to speak After the meeting 1 went up to a ever met, and that I had been clear know they did not mean to hurt me. in many places. However, it seemed woman who was one of the speak- across the country and had met Above all, I know that they will alto me that the farther east I went, ers and told her 1 had enjoyed her plenty; and that in comparison they ways welcome a stranger in the the less friendly the people became. speech. She gave me a cold thank- did not even seem to me to be an future. And if the stranger is a One night 1 went to a meeting on you and turned to friends. AA group. She said that I had bet- newcomer, it may mean his very the East Coast and no one at all Belicve me, I have many friends ter talk to an older member, and life. spoke to me. I smiled and said “Hi” and I’ve never before been given so she called a very charming wom- Anon., Calif.

August 1965

mentioned it to my doctor in a very I did, I could work with my doctor nonchalant way. “you know,” I for the first time. Every day that I laughed, “I’ve even thought about was sober not only meant a step trying AA!” I expected him to share toward clearing the fog from my My Psychiatrist, AA and Me my amusement at an such an obviously ridiculous idea. mind, but it also provided a small victory that I could build on in “Well, why don’t you?” he re- working my way back to self-respect plied, dead serious. Recovering from and self-acceptance. And the more my shock, I began telling him all the I was able to progress in psycho- F ROM time to time in AA, I have heard members speak with contempt of psychiatry, and of AA reasons that AA could never work for me: 1 was never much of a therapy, the more understanding and acceptance of myself I could members who sought psychiatric “joiner,” could not relate well to find, the better I could understand aid. Without claiming to be an groups; people in my profession the AA program, and the more I “authority” (I have learned in AA would look down on me, etc., on could move beyond the superficial, to be wary of “authorities”), I can through the list of excuses so fa- gimmickry level to the real wisdom tell about one case in which AA miliar to all of us in AA. It took underlying the program. The vicious and psychiatry went hand in hand: several sessions, but this under- circle not only had been broken, it What happened my own. MY first efforts to do some- standing doctor finally helped me to had been reversed! It was now thing about my drinking took the see that all my excuses boiled down working for me rather than against form of seeking psychiatric treat- to one: I was afraid AA would work me! Every gain I made in AA was ment. I visited a . . vsvchiatrist over a for me, and I wasn’t really ready to reflected in my therapy, and every considerable period of time, and stop drinking. With my excuses progress I made in therapy helped when o72e woman made little progress. The reason for stripped away, I was left with one deepen and strengthen my underthis lack of progress was clear: my choice to make, and only one. If I standing and appreciation of AA. doctor told me again and again that wanted to stop drinking, and if I This, of course, should not be sur- , ,

he could do nothing to help me until wanted to use psychotherapy effec- prising, since both were aimed at C billed O ~ I could find a way to control my tively, I would go to AA. helping me find a happy, construcdrinking. It was a vicious circle. I So I did turn to AA. In the tive way of life. could not control my drinking until months that followed, I was amazed If you’re one of the lucky ones, I dealt with my basic, underlying at how AA and psychotherapy com- and have been able to work out problems, but 1 could not deal with plemented one another, and how the your problems without outside help, therapies those problems until 1 could control two together helped me more than be grateful for your good fortune. my drinking. Despite this seemingly either could, alone. At first, I man- But don’t condemn those of us who unbreakable circle, I kept seeing the aged to stay sober in AA only on a used psychiatry as well. Anything doctor, perhaps hoping for a mir- very shallow level, using the gim- that can help us grow into richer, acle. micks, contacts, and a lot of con- deeper lives is certain to make us Then came my introduction to centration on living just one day at better AA members. AA. I met an AA member, heard a time. But I stayed sober. And since J . C., Emporia. Kan. him speak, and for the first time began to consider seriously the possibility that AA might be for me. I

September

sick bay. I now took belladonna and would not face it and, shortly after, GI gin and I had morning shots for having been shipped back from Ja- A Hopeless Case hangovers. I had experienced my pan, I opened my eyes in a Statefirst blackout, and realized that I side hospital and realized I was in a must do something to unravel the very critical condition. Because of mess I was in. I was also about to the excellent care of a nurse, I surget married! vived to go on to an even worse I did not marry for love but in a hell. Along with alcohol,I was now Overweight, d r u n k desperate effort to salvage my repu- taking thirty or forty pills a day. a n d on drugs – why live? tation. We were married at Camp Because I was violent during black- Pickett, Virginia. My husband spent outs it was necessary for me to have his honeymoon alone and I spent complete seclusion and psychiatric T h e n along came a doctor, a w w s e and AA mine drunk. For three desperate help. The Army tried everything years my husband struggled to keep and even sent me abroad once more. me out of bars and, when this failed, However, after a very serious autoto pick me up from bars at all hours mobile accident from which I awakof the night. Drugs were found miss- ened to find that I had gone through At seventeen I wanted to escape T HIS is my life in three worlds, and I dedicate it to two people I love, a doctor and a nurse. I write from my family and the small town in which I lived. I wanted advening at the base hospital and I was a windshield, and had ended up with quietly and quickly shipped to a badly torn mouth, broken ribs and another spot. For the next four a fractured collarbone, everyone just it not in pride but in a hope that ture and so I decided to join the years I was the most traveled WAC about gave up on me. I was alone. ‘

it will carry hope and faith to many Women’s Army Corps. I had always in the Service and my reputation And what really got me inside were who, like me, have returned to had a weight problem and at this went everywhere with me. the nights of not remembering and reality from the world of hopeless- time I went on a rigid diet. And so When I finally landed in New the fear when you had to ask how ness and despair. my addictions began. Benzedrine York City my troubles really began. you got in that cell and just how I am an alcoholic and a drug and Dexedrine! Immediately they I became thoroughly involved in much trouble you gave them in get- I addict. My story of drug addiction seemed to be the answer to all my narcotics and in the rackets, to the ting there. began first. I was raised by fine re- fears. I felt taller, more intelligent extent that a bullet was fired through I had my first shock treatments ligious people who took good care and I lost all fear and loneliness. the windshield of my car in Green- and all of the cool receptiods from of me and of my needs and wants. Before I even entered military serv- wich Village, in an effort to get rid people who wonder what to do with Yet, I never enjoyed a feeling of ice, I was hooked. of me. you. I built a high strong wall belonging, as a young person, but I went into basic training and I had to appear before my first arol~nd my life and I dared the seemed to be an outsider looking at found myself fitting in with the court-martial board which resulted world to touch one brick. I got gaiety and happiness around me, crowd. Often I arrived at classes a in confinement and hard labor. I physically well and was releitscd, not a part of me. I was a poor stu- little dipsy; this was a poor begin- knew I was hooked but could no but I was not rcnlly a human being. dent and already had the person- ning. I had begun drinking in quar- longer help myself. Attempts at sui- I traveled from state to state in ality of an alcoholic which was soon ters, and the drugs were affecting cide landed me in one hospital after search of my skid row. I still had my to land me in a world so devastat- my attitude, making me a belligerent another. and arrogant person. car. What a disaster this was, that I ing that had I been able to see into It was in Japan that a doctor still had my car. I left bodies on the future I would have been Transfers from one post to an- tried, unsuccessfully, to show me the highways dead, and I will never terrified. other came as fast as my visits to just what my life had become. I know who really was to blame.

Finally I lost my car and ran out dime, I made a phone call, choosing of money. My diet was wine. Money a doctor’s name from the phonemust be hoarded for pills, sixty and book. Frightened and sick, I went seventy a day – goofballs to get the to her and, although I remember day started, tranquilizers to slow very little of our talk, for the first down, sleeping pills to sleep and time in twenty years, I found a ceralcohol as my companion. At this tain peace. After repeated visits, point I stole for alcohol and pills. much suffering and pain in trying to I knew I was dying; I was a shell get rid of alcohol and pills, I was without the inside. able to take my inventory with the I knew that I had to go home to help of the good doctor. my family. After the money had I got my first job. Through this been wired to me and I had gone job I met a nurse who is dedicated on one more drunk, I arrived home to young people and their problems. with hardly any clothes on my back It was through the doctor and the and weighing 320 pounds. It was nurse that I came to Alcoholics impossible for me to stay because Anonymous and for the first time my very life depended on drugs and in my life met others who had sufalcohol. In a violent rage I nearly fered as I had, and who understood killed my mother with a butcher me and my problem. I found that knife. there is always a door open in AA. And so I left and, in leaving, 1 live with my fellow members and eventually found my way to Tren- learn about my disease and how to ton, New Jersey. This was not a live just one day at a time. Tears coincidence, this was my gift from flow now and then and it will be a God. Bleeding and crying inside, I long time before the scars will heal longed to ask for help. But how and people will forget, but I know could I ask when I couldn’t tie my I’ll find true happiness through AA. shoes, cross a street or talk to any- A short time ago I celebrated my one? I had to die. I bought rat anniversary in AA and my greatest poison and then went to a Metho- gift was in having so many people dist church and knelt in prayer in present. My second gift is my job, the chapel. How grateful I was to working with troubled young people find the doors open. Often I return and trying to help them. How can to that chapel, for it is a happy I find words for something like this? mcmory. Afterwards, with my last J . M. H., West Trenton, N. J .

September 1965

to me, John reached a point when you’re such a fine, capable person, he could no langer endure my and you have such a good father, drunkenness. We were outdoors and you probably would have done well I was making a fool of myself in even if I hadn’t stopped drinking.” front of his friends. Suddenly he I meant this. His quick, honest reply grabbed me, picked me up and lit- brought a lump to my throat, and a erally threw me in the house. I hope swift, brief dive into the past. He that I shall never forget the words looked up, looked me straight in the he said to me under his breath. eye and said, “Mother, I don’t think “Mom,” he said, “you’re nothing 1 would have had the incentive.” but a drunken bum.” Those words If you are a parent, you may recut deep; deep enough to start me flect – as I did- on what terrible

you’re thinking about my future and our future. Not long after that day, I came into AA. And, with God’s damage we do to our children when we drink. What devastating harm I might have done to John and his help, the help of AA friends and the sisters! How lucky I am to be sober! HILDREN, all children, are very C precious people. Troubled and wayward children sadden me. Famhelp of an understanding family, I have had continuous, happy sobriety. Rewards in sobriety? Mine are so many. Family unity and respect are restored in our family, and they ily unity, and family harmony and John is now a junior in college, grow stronger every day. To me it is love can prevent emotional problems and we are truly proud of all his a true blessing and an honor to be in children. No, I am not a profesaccomplishments. When he came able now to face the responsibilities sional person, but an ordinary alcohome for Christmas during his first for which I became sober: the giving holic housewife and mother. In 1957 year away from home, I again took of myself and my time to those who I was doing a fine job of destroying the Eighth Step with him. I thanked need it right here at home. We sober myself, my husband and my children drunken through my alcoholic drinking. Family unity and love went right out the window. him with all my heart for all he had done for me during my drinking days and during my recovery. To up for ourselves, of course, but sometimes (as with me) a child shall lead us. My gratitude, goes out “break the ice” a bit I added, “But to you all. S. F., Conn. My oldest son, John, was thirteen – aVbigboy, an excellent student, an athlete, handsome and healthy.

bum.1 9 9 Though I have never loved one of my children more than the others, I share with many mothers the kind of special feeling we have for our firstborn. I hope I shall never fail to be grateful to this boy for doing me the greatest favor I have ever experienced. After several years of protecting me, and never faltering in his loyalty

October 1965

pity and can be minimized. Apply- have willingly accepted responsibiling the AA program is invaluable ity to my childrdn, society and myin recognizing and pdtting these feel- self. I have become a contributing ings aside. As for being nervous and member of humanity and no longer tense, I remember how much worse a “gimme” girl. I am not and will “I exaggerated sex out of all proportion.” I was while racing desperately never be a prude, but I have learned around the countryside full of rest- that some things are worthwhile lessness and undefined longing. I and some are not. They only refind a measure of peace in faith that quire a bit of forethought to place God will produce a handsome man them in their proper perspective. on a symbolic white charger if I All of this has come about by my A Woman Alone have patience, and continue to improve myself in order to be ready staying sober and applying AA philosophy, I had tried, fitfully, psychiand worthy and to have something atry and religion, willpower and to give. After all you cannot give hospitals, but nothing happened what you don’t have, and that in- until I came to AA and took the cludes love. First Step. And that, of course, is A bonus is the discovery that I another story. Anonymous

T HERE is a subject which rarely comes up in meetings, but which is vital to all of us: sex. I believe made me feel I had a right to look elsewhere. What self-pity I had! After sobering up some months that sex played a large part in our ago, my attitude has changed. For confusion while we were drinking, one thing I had the simple curiosity , that it often proves a complicating to find out what abstinence was like. factor in retaining sobriety. I started on a policy of being friends I am separated from my husband, with men and avoiding the sex bit. and have been for about two years. T o my surprise several things hap- As a married woman living alone pened. I began to place a higher the problem must be faced. While I value on myself and thus could look drank and was still with my hus- people in the eye, whereas formerly band, I exaggerated sex (I see now) I believe I was devious and shifty. out of all proportion. Failing to find I found that men, once I made my ‘ companionship with my husband, I position clear, became friends.Also, ran around in alcoholic desperation I had a growing awareness that trying to find love and understanding someday I should have something with someone – anyone. ( I failed to give other than a “quick roll in to realize how unattractive I was – the hay.” in my sodden condition.) With my There are disadvantages of a sort, stinking thinking, I easily rational- to abstinence. The most bothersome ized my actions and, since my hus- is lonesomeness. But I’ve found that band remained uninterested, this lonesomeness is at least half self-

November 1965

Bed. After the first sober night’s acle of smooth whiteness and order, restful sleep I had known in months, and I had done it myself! I woke and looked around me in a And now that I am home, and sort of incredulous joy at simple recovering, no matter in what pleasbeauty and clean linens. I started to ant haste or hurry I find myself, my toss the bedcovers into just a sem- bed gets made! No matter that I blance of neatness, when a light am not going to get back to it until broke over my mind. Perhaps this after midnight, it will welcome me was my first spiritual awakening. I with its blessed cleanliness and thought, “I’m not capable of much, peace, and I will find an orderly but surely I remember how to make haven which I myself, with God’s a bed properly!” help, have prepared. So I tore off all the covers and Keep it simple? What could be AH, SWEET ORDER! beean to re~lacethem in order. MY simpler? fukbling hands had a little troubie d o d bless clean beds, and all In praise of a modest accomplishment with hospital corners, but I finally toothpaste caps! I finished. The bcd was now a mir- H . W . , Philadelphia, Pa. with a significance both commonplace and cosmic

I N the August issue of the Grapevine, the article by M. D. B. is one of the finest I have ever read. It ing, and all created things would die of thirst and desperation. And all this sense of the necesappealed to me in every paragraph, sity, truth and dignity of order is . because I believe so completely in symbolized, for the author of “First its major premise – that the first Law,” by the replacing of one toothlaw in all things is order. paste cap on its tube! Without order, things would never For me, it was the making of a occur in the same way twice. There bed. would be not one stable bit of I had been falling into a mess of ground,. physical, mental or spiri- disordered, dirty bedcovers for tual, on which we could rest a foot months, it seemed, vaguely hating and say, “Here is peace, and 1 know myself for doing so, but quite init will be here tomorrow when I capable, in my alcoholic haze, of need it!” A rose might come up next finding any clean ones. time as an ugly weed; birds would Then, with the help of God and not sing at sunrise. In fact, if there AA, I found myself in a beautiful were no order there might be no calm place where they hoped I sunrise for them to sing to, unless would find peace and recovery. The perhaps next week the sun might rules of this place were few and rise twice as close, hot and devastat- simple. One was Make Your Own

November 1965

Congratulations! From Lakewood, Ohio: The West Side Closed Women’s Group is the first Closed Women’s Group in the world. It held its first meeting on May 19, 194 1. I thought you would be interested in knowing that at the Convention in Toronto, there were sixteen of our group present (some said eighteen but 1 actually counted only sixteen). I do think that is some sort of a record for one group. I might tell you that through the Grapevine I have been able to enlighten my minister as he puts every publication on the Church Literature Bulletin. It is also proudly displayed in my doctor’s office. Another wonderful place for it is a beauty shop. My beauty operator

says that I would be amazed at the number of her customers that pick it up and read it time after time. N. P.

December

key down, and in some kind of icy They treated my sudden, total abcalm, I cleaned the ceiling, walls, stinence like a whim they must incupboard doors, refrigerator and dulge graciously and quietly because floor in that end of the kitchen. Still of their loyal affection for me. They taut and cold, I walked carefully in tried hard to make me feel at home to my favorite chair in the living at our get-togethers. TOOhard. They room and sat down. My husband welcomed me too warmly. They and our three children had long poured my coffee too casually, and since gone to bed; it was nearly four it was too fresh and too hot. With A.M. The silence was tense and exquisite care, they avoided notice ominous. I lit a cigarette, and sud- or mention of any change in me. I’d denly I relaxed, giving way to a have given my soul for a wisecrack flood of feeling whose weight all but from one of them, maybe about the swamped me, and whose nature was “Sudden Saint” in their midst. Or a a complete surprise. It was loneli- frank question, “Hey, what’s with ness, and it had been building up you, Sis, stomach trouble?” But for weeks beneath my awareness. there was only kindness. But they had told me in AA I Gradually 1 had lost the ability to needn’t ever feel alone again! What talk to them. The old, easy chatter was wrong? I looked at the tele- was no good anymore; it was too A Terribly Lonely Christmas phone, but one doesn’t call even a good AA friend at four in the mornoften without meaning or sincerity; it verged too often on thinking ha- Her first sober holidays were taut and cold. ing if it is possible to avoid taking bits 1 was trying to break. And I a drink any other way, and I didn’t could not talk to them about the Was a drink the answer, or want a drink, I wanted understand- shining new things I was learning. I ing -from my husband and from tried it a time or two, but the efforts was there another way?. . . being sober; then I picked up the our circle of cherished, long-time were met only with polite puzzlecookie sheet, steadied its load nice- friends. I wanted the feeling of be- ment. ly, and turned to cross the kitchen longing among them again. I wanted I made it through Thanksgiving HAD been sober in AA about with it. As I turned, the corner of those things on Thanksgiving Day, Day, but the trouble had begun, and I three months when Thanksgiving rolled around. At two in the mornthe cookie sheet bumped a twoquart pitcher nearly full of milk. but they wouldn’t be there, and 1 knew it. half-way through the Christmas holiday season, it threw me. During one . ing of Thanksgiving Day, I finished The turkey never waivered on its It was the kindness that had been rather long evening of festivity, stuffing and trussing a large turkey. precarious perch, but the pitcher hurting. Friends and husband were when the others had had a few more The rack which held it stood on a spun crazily, spewing milk with ten- all moderate social drinkers. None drinks than usual, my alienation was big, flat cookie sheet, and moving tative glee, and finally, in total, joy- of them had ever come anywhere complete. The behavior around me the whole arrangement to its place ous abandon, it fell to the floor, near that dreadful moment when a became silly, just plain silly. There of rest for the remainder of the spattering milk clear up onto the drinker looks at a bottle and knows was no other honest word for it. night was going to be an adventure ceiling. that he can neither take the stuff nor And these were the people I loved! in balance. For the hundredth time Everything inside me seemed to leave it alone. And none of them I slipped unobserved out a side that night, I gave silent thanks for freeze tight and hard. I put the tur- knew that I had faced that moment. door, went home alone and poured

myself a double brandy. Too bad I tiness. I had always read and didn’t look at the* telephone this thought much about life and how to time. It was right there beside that live it, but I had never tried living same favorite chair of mine, but I anything I thought or read. I had a didn’t see it. My last coherent head full of ideas, but not a convicthought was, “I can’t stand not be- tion in the whole contradictory ing like other people.” mess. I had approached AA, only Now, well along in n.y second intellectually at that point; I underyear of sobriety, I can see that much stood it, I believed it, I talked it. of that loneliness I felt was imagi- But I never really applied it. nary. And the rest of it, the real And again, loneliness for me was loneliness, was a clue to all my boredom. I was in a vacuum bemajor problems -the ones I would tween old ideas and new, unable to have to tackle first and hardest in go backward and unwilling to go living AA’s principles. forward. I had not even attempted Chains are the tightest and they to replace the illusory pleasures of cut the deepest just before they drinking with wholesome new fun. break. Loneliness for me was, first, I had almost forgotten how to laugh. the pain of breaking with a lifelong Last – and this was the hardest mistaken idea that it was essential to take – loneliness as I fought it to be like other people. I was suf- and clung to it at the same time fering the pain of individuality was self-pity. which was trying to be recognized With this much clear, my job was and resvected at last. Here was. for cut out for me, and the place to beme, th; beginning of honesty. ‘ gin was evident: AA and the Next, loneliness for me was emp- Fwelve Steps. Anonymous

J a n u a r y 1966

I began a novel. Perhaps I expected Step; like bread, I humbly offered my new-found joy to set free the God my day’s work. creative well-springs and the words A change took place. The words to flow as never before, illuminated began to come more easily. I seemed with new insight. This did not hap- to loosen up, and one day I found pen. In fact, the going was rough, myself laughing at something unex- Author’s Bugaboo: rougher than I had ever known. The fiction writer is familiar with the expected one of my characters had said. I was off the ground at last! hilaration of his characters taking There followed the months of comttCan I Write Sober?” over and the story soaring as if pletion, the months of revision, and writing itself. Nothing I wrote now finally the book was on its way on got off the ground. I plugged away the round of publishers. doggedly, but it was an effort to put My AA life, meanwhile, was unone word after another. In the light folding, a life more rewarding, more She used booze to start the ideas flowing; of longer sobriety I’m certain I was revealing, more filled with drama laboring under the physical after- than any fiction I had ever read or would sobering u p mean the end of her career? effects of barbiturates and alcohol; dreamed up myself. I hardly knew perhaps, too, I was still giving birth myself. I think I must have been to a new self. But a terrible question largely the product of my own lonearose in me: was I ever going to be ly imagination in the old days. Now ism I could make myself wait until able to write again? with the help of a marvelous variety S OBRIETY was such a miracle in itself, after the years of alcohol and pills, that I did little else those after working hours for the first drink. But the stealthy progress of God was answering my daily prayer for sobriety; would it be askof AA friends, I was beginning to grow into a real, even useful, human first few months but explore it, de- the disease caught up with this ing too much at this point for help being. light in it, hang onto it – day after ,schedule, and the day inevitably in something of secondary impor- Another year passed, my novel incredible day! I am a fiction writer, came when I had to have a drink tance? Then I read somewhere that was still going the rounds, and I and once considered myself a ma- before writing. My fingers wouldn’t nothing is too unimportant to give had just had a short story returned. ture and sophisticated woman; what coordinate on the typewriter. Well, God; that a woman can even bake rumors of AA reached me amused that was a mistake, I told myself, bread for the glory of God. So I beme. Now, deflated, helpless as an in- but since the day was shot anyway I gan to say a little prayer each mornfant, I clung to AA for my life. In turned it over to the bottle. The ing when I sat down to my typethose early months I took the first same thing happened the next day. writer, something like a dedication, steps towards sanity and health, And the next. And so, along with something patterncd after the Third towards faith. Sobriety, I found, was the rest of mv life. mv work disthe joy of being alive, after a long solved in an *ennuifin; chaos. An /2X obsession with death, as positive as all-but-successful suiclde attempt my drinking was negative. brought AA into my hospital room, At last I decided it was time to and even in the depths of sickness get back to work. It had been a long and shame, I knew I had crossed a while since I had written anything. threshold. In the middle stages of my alcohol- Now with the miracle of sobriety,

Once again I told myself that sobri- novel born of sobriety had been acety was enough, that I ought not to cepted, and the editor hoped for want or expect more. In fact, one more. I could feel God’s world day I came to the realization that if changing around me as if the sce- I must give up all ideas of accom- nery were being shifted. A great plishment in exchange for sobriety, singing was going on inside me. I I would relinquish them gladly and was smiling at everyone. in gratitude. Yes, I was putting first At last I knew that we can acthings first, but I was still underes- complish big and little things not in timating the generosity of God and spite of sobriety or in exchange for far from comprehending His wis- it but because of it. In my rejoicing dom and the genius of His timing. – so much more glorious than any- Yet perhaps, after all, He intended thing ever produced by alcohol! me to make this evaluation, placing it was almost as if a voice were tellneeds above wants, to learn humility ing me: “I do not hold back My and acceptance. gifts. You are not only a new per- A few days afterwards the phone son, the threshold you crossed gave rang: would I lunch with the editor you new horizons. You have opened of a well-known publishing house? the door of fulfillment. Because you After that lunch I walked up are sober anything is possible. Why Madison Avenue. It had been rain- would I wish to limit your serving ing and it was still wet but every- Me?” thing seemed brightly colored. My C. C., Mirror Lake, N. H.

January 1966

5 . ~ I I wanted to marry a year ago. someone saying, “All the answers I’m grateful we didn’t then because are there in the Big Book.” An alcoholic’s own story I wasn’t ready. I was too erratic and I started at the beginning and needed to work on me. read again. It was there. The time The Twelve Steps and Twelve when the alcoholic has no defense Traditions speaks about our rela- other than a Power greater than tionships with others (Chapter Four, himself. pages 54 and 55). This hit me be- We have a daily reprieve. I found, tween the eyes the first time I read for myself, that surrender, for me, it; it helped me come to a better was an everyday affair. Every morn- Name Is Dawn understanding of what I was and what needed to be done about me. ing I’ve asked for twenty-four hours of sobriety. My progress has been slow. It Many times I’ve had to say, “I’m came as a shock to find this out. I sober, it’s enough.” I couldn’t afford learn slowly. I memorize rather to get too discouraged. The first year quickly. I memorized and quoted was hard for me. The first half of parts of the Big Book, with ease, on the second one was rougher, but I many occasions – and got drunk. held onto the things I heard. “Hang Anyone can memorize it, but learn- on, it’ll get better if you don’t take M Y hair is drying because I just washed it. My head didn’t reel and I didn’t wonder if I would ing to apply it is another story. The promises are true, being fulfilled in that first drink.” “Work on an attitude of gratitude.” “Stop running be able to raise it once I leaned their own time for each one of us. the show.” over the sink. This is sobriety. 1 remember after I had been with And then the good things began We started a new closed women’s AA and drank again – and again, I to come, not too fast, but they began meeting yesterday morning and they sat in a meeting after I hit bottom to happen and so did some bad ones. elected me leader, which didn’t in- and asked with utter bewilderment, But there was a sort of balance now. timidate me a bit or leave me feeling “How could this have happened?” I’m doing the best I can today and inadequate, because I’m simply a No one told me, but I remembered it works! A day at a time. It works! trusted servant. After over two years D. B. W., San Diego, Calif. of continuous sobriety they trust me to do this job and 1 love the privilege. Recently I married again-a man who is a nonalcoholic, whom I have known for a long time. We have a beginning that many people could envy. We both try to work the pro- 4 gram and are taking our marriage and using the same philosophy on it that keeps me sober – a day at a time.

February 1966

enough about me to try to keep me stagger through to look for a drink. from the gutter. Other drunks may I could crawl off into a corner of have friends or employees or an the TV room in the basement and employer who fulfills this function. slecp it off instead of crawling into My relatives also served to inhibit a doorway. I had relatives who my drinking and my drunkenness. picked me up and took me home When I was on the way to getting and dragged me upstairs to my bedmockus, they would often interrupt room, so the cops were spared the and pull me back into a state of trouble of picking me up and taking semi-reality. me to jail or to a hospital. They tended to make me self- My relatives are why my story is conscious of my drunkenness and, that of a high-bottom drunk and not when they were around and I felt a low-bottom drunk. They aided and a crying jag coming on, I would go abetted the fantasy that I was not a take a shower so they would not drunken bum. The only reason I’m hear all that frightful uncontrollable called a high-bottom drunk and not sobbing. I had lots of crying jags a low-bottom one is that I found and, therefore, lots of showers and, AA and got sober before I ran out therefore, I was a lot cleaner than of relatives. the average drunk. But that was If you think you are not an alcoonly when the relatives were around. holic for some silly reason like you On those occasions when no one are not a low-bottom drunk. I would was home for a couple of days or like to ask you to look again at the so but myself, I went to seed fast. parallels between a high-bottom I WAS A DRUNKEN BUM My relatives were the hair-split- drunk and a low-bottom drunk that ting difference between my being a I described above, and I suggest you -WITH RELATIVES high-bottom drunk instead of a low- give AA an honest try. A high-botbottom drunk. They kept a roof tom drunk has a choice: He can over my head and my bills for seek sobriety now or he can.try for years. I was not capable of doing a lower bottom. Provided he doesn’t these things for myself. die or go insane in the attempt, he Bccause of my relatives, I had a can become a low-bottom drunk. F OR several sober years, I have considered myself, and have been considered by others, a highgot picked up by the cops and never went to jail, nor was I ever sent to a hospital. sofa and a cocktail shaker instead The script is the same, only the of a park bench and a jug. Because stage props, the setting and the sup- ‘

bottom drunk – one whose drink- I now see that the only difference of them, 1 had a hallway and a porting cast are different. ing did not cause him to lose every- kitchen instead of an alleyway to C . H . , Manhattun, N . Y, between a high-bottom drunk and a thing and go all the way down. low-bottom drunk is how long the I never sat on a park bench with drunk has someone to support and I a bottle. I never staggered through protect him and so keep him from an alleyway looking for a drink. 1 falling into the gutter. In my case, never slept in a doorway. I never I had relatives who still cared

March 1966

nary routines of my life, and would church, and at least try to find what give my life direction and meaning. 1 sought there. So I attended regu- In much of my early drinking, I spe- larly, for a period of several years, cifically sought this transcendent ex- and every Sunday brought an everperience; 1 wanted to experience deepening disappointment. At times, something bigger than myself, some- I felt very bitter. Other people didn’t thing that wouM enable me to fit my seem worried about whether or life into a larger pattern. Often when not they believed in something, why

ttKnock, And It Shall Be Opened.. .” 1 drank, I felt that I was almost within reach of this experience. It often seemed that one more drink should I be? Why couldn’t I just leave the question alone, and go my way in peace? But without this would make the difference. There al- necessary center to my life, 1 could ways seemed to be a truth and a re- find no peace. 1 felt more an out- After a diligent – and critical – search ality just beyond my reach, and 1 sider than ever, and drinking seemed kept striving for it. But, of course, 1 the only way to peace. never got there. Another drink did When I first came into AA, 1 she foillid the door to faith found that 1 envied those members not bring a mystical experience, but merely a clouding of consciousness to whom the “spiritual side” had reand, finally, stupor. ality and substance. I felt cheated Even during my drinking, 1 kept when 1 thought that I could experi- ,

ence only part of the program, and A LTHOUGH sobriety itself is, of My experience in AA was much course, the main gift that we the same way. At first, keeping the get from AA, 1 have found that cork in the bottle was the very best seeking this higher reality. I read widely in philosophy and comparative religion, but I found that learnthat there was a dimension which was closed to me. The desperation there are also bonuses -gifts that I could possibly hope to achieve. ing about the beliefs of other people of my need helped me to concen- , we never expected, but which come But as 1 went along, 1 found much merely made me envy them – it trate on the parts of the program almost as side effects of achieving greater satisfactions than I would simply showed up my own emptiness that I could accept and use, but I sobriety in AA. These bonuses often ever have thought possible. The in sharper relief than ever. My inner couldn’t help feeling wistful when I make me think of the phrase C. S. greatest of these bonus satisfactions hunger only grew sharper, and of -heard members describe their con- Lewis used as the title of his auto- came in finding a real, living faith in course it was natural to turn to the tact with a Higher Power in terms biographical book, Surprised By a Higher Power. bottle for relief. that bore the ring of unquestionable Joy. Lewis explains how he sought, I can’t remember a time when I But I kept looking. My inclination sincerity and reality. throughout his life, to experience didn’t want something to believe in. was to stay away from formal re- As always, I kept looking for anreal joy – not just pleasure, but the But I wanted that something to be a ligious observances. But then I read swers in books. And it was about deeper, richer satisfactions that we genuine part of my experience; I de- something that stuck with me, a this time, as I longingly and wistcall joy. No matter how he sought manded that anything I might be- statement that one could doubt the fully listened to others talk about joy, it eluded him. But when he lieve in must be a vital part of my sincerity of the person who says he their faith, that I found help in a stopped looking for it, it came to life. I kept thinking that there must seeks religious truth, and yet stays book. Paul Tournier, in The Meunhim, and he was surprised to find be something, somewhere in the uni- ,. away from the most obvious source ing of Persons, tells of advising one that he was, truly, experiencing the verse or beyond it, that would help of such experience. So 1 decided that of his patients to act “as if” he had very joy he had sought. me transcend myself and the ordi- if I was really sincere about this faith; the patient began doing so and quest for faith, I would attend found, eventually, that his faith had

become a reality. I decided to give cepted part of my life, and AA this as-if approach a try. For ex- ideals became more integrated into ample, I genuinely asked a Higher all my affairs. I didn’t think much Power to take away my desire to any more about acting as if I had drink, as if I felt sure He would. I faith. But eventually 1 began to reasked that I might find meaning for alize that the spiritual hunger didn’t my life, as if I were sure that I seem to be there anymore. There could. And I began trying to live ac- had been no spectacular spiritual excordingly. I kept testing my actions perience, but the awakening had in terms of whether that was the taken place, nonetheless. It seemed way I would act, or react, if I really that something had happened to me had faith. The applications were while I wasn’t looking – I had been limitless. In dealing with other peo- “surprised by joy!” I looked back ple, I tried to behave as if I really over my introduction to AA and my had a core of meaning in my life, as early experiences in the Fellowship, if I had the real security that faith and there seemed a purpose and dicould bring. It was amazing how rection in it all that simply couldn’t many annoyances and conflicts took have been chance. I felt beyond any care of themselves! doubt that a Higher Power had been At times, I asked myself whether directing my life, and would conthis was hypocrisy. Was I pretending tinue to do so. to something 1 didn’t really believe? Now I find that the solidest reality But it was impossible to label my at- in my life is a foundation -a core titudes hypocritical, because I was – a direction – that I can interpret not trying to fool anyone. My as-if only as God. I don’t try to explain it, technique was purely personal; it but God is the most real part of my was not a front I was putting on for being. I know that it is my contact the benefit of others. with this Higher Power that has As time went on, sobriety became transformed my life and reshaped easier. AA becamc more an ac- my personality. I . C., Topeka, Kart.

March 1966

wondered why my friends were not sounds instead of tile knell of doom. present at the wake. Friends? Any- I joined my family and my angelone with whom I had a nodding wife had a rather devilish twinkle in acquaintance, was probably boozing her eye. it up at the local gin mill; they had “When you fell down, dear,” she no time for funerals! Too busy said, “our daughter became upset. 1 working on their own. told her you’d be fine and we’d just Looking up at an angle, 1 saw my play a little joke on you and teach wife and daughter gazing down at you a lesson.” Some joke. She was me with mournful expressions. So the picture of angelic innocence. this is how it feels to be dead, 1 Later, I could imagine those two thought; you actually see and feel all setting thc stage of my untimely dethat goes on about you. Joe the bar- mise. My girl couldn’t possibly be tender did not put in his appear- experiencing a trauma or feelings of I Went to M y Own Wake ance, the skunk! Perhaps it was late and all had gone home. I had conanxiety while all this “fun” was going on. Her mother was learning to sidered myself a popular guy. “take it lightly” and helping our It was some time before I figured child to do the same. out that the two familiar faces were Just now, 1 heard my wife whis- Y EARS of heartbreak, when she was taking my compulsive drinking pretty hard, finally led my “John,” she said, “it scares our girl to see you drunk and me upset all the time; I am sure my reaction actually looking down from the steps leading to our duplex apartment and tling in the kitchen as I got ready to go to my AA meeting. Her attitude wife to Al-Anon and eventually I to your drinking is far more fright- I must have passed out in the foyer. gets “lighter” all the time. A miracle joined AA. I am hoping it will do ening than the fact you are on a Presently my wife and daughter has occurred, since I was “raised for me what it did for her – that is, binge.” came romping down and untied the from the dead.” She didn’t plan it sprout a pair of wings, for since she “What do you propose to do cords which bound my ankles and that way but it was this experience, found that organization, she has about it? I asked tentatively. wrists, snuffing out the candles at more than any other, 1 think, that gradually turned from a shrew into “Try to keep it light,” she said, the head and foot of my “bier.” brought me to the decision to join an angel! I was flying high for many smiling a secret little smile. I won- They took the artificial roses off my AA. years but no more “wing-dings” for dered about her words as I went out chest and I recognized them as hav- After years of strife and estrangeme from now on, please God. The to fill up that hollow leg of mine. I ing graced the living-room table. I ment, I am “whole” again and find change in me, as it was in her, is went on a bender to end all benders. was so happy to be alive, I almost myself living with an angel. By the slow but magical. I had almost been Groping my way out of a thick fog, broke into a cheer. Instead, I made grace of God, I was able to take a able to see the wings sprout gradual- I landed smack in the middle of a my way upstairs sheepishly and qui- peek into a possible and perhaps ly from her overburdened shoulders. nightmare and completely passed etly. I was slipped between cool not-too-distant future and join AA Our young impressionable daughter out. Unable to move, I could see sheets and drifted off into another the day after I went to my own had been the concern of both of us flowers on my chest and candles at long sleep, waking to hear kitchen wake. J . F. M., Brooklyn, N.Y. through the “Days of Wine and head and feet. I tried to rise, to call Roses” – or should I say “pitch and out. “I must be dead,” I thought, brimstone”? Then my angel got an . “and good riddance . .” idea. Suspended in semi-darkness I

March 1966

fC SHOP around for a group you find congenial.” For some, this may be a sound gathered that these strangers did think I had a problem similar to view or their mores were pleasing to me. suggestion. We all come into Alcoholics Anonymous weakened, both Some theirs. I loaded up with free literature and the Big Book, and started 1 attend one or two other meetings each week, some fairly regularphysiologically and psychologically, to study it out for myself. ly. And I have yet to find a group and at first some people require an Advice Selecting it from the printed schedule of local meetings, two evethat is entirely congenial. One is so self-consciously spiritual that someenvironment as protected, as nearly stress-free as can be arranged, while nings later I went alon:: to the meet- times it gets a bit sickening. Another they gain the strength to start living I Don’t ing which became my regular meet- is so jolly that I can’t keep up with differently. ing. As time went on the people in it. I never was good at wisecracks this group became separate entities, and superficial banter. Even at cock- For me, however, it would have delayed recovery to shop around for Take with individual personalities. Now, tail parties I preferred to discuss people who best suited me and my to paraphrase the song, I’ve grown (and settle) large philosophical isneeds. Without fully thinking it accustomed to their faces. sues. through, I chose the meeting closest Listening to them, I discovered If I had followed the advice to to my home, on the evening which that the members of this group were shop around, I would probably still was most likely to be free from A cool predominantly Republican, socially be looking for a world which met other demands, and I went to it conventional, and inclined to place a my specifications. But since, even every week, and I sat there. appraisal high value on possessions and job among my own kind -the alco- Three days before, a friend who success. I am a Democrat, ultra-lib- holics-I have found that there just was himself a practicing alcoholic o f a few old eral, and little concerned with ain’t no such thing, I have to ask and had half-heartedly dabbled in money and status symbols. My car, myself: where will I find such a AA off and on, had, for the first A A saws for instance, among the Cadillacs world? Out of this I have learned time, seen me in the throes of an and Thunderbirds in the parking lot that if I just sit back and take it, not “allergic attack.” He came around by a gal member on meeting night, is the ten-year-old only am I able to endure an imperthe next day to ask if I wouldn’t like Olds with the right front fender still fect environment without undue disto go to an AA meeting. For a long caved in from contact with an unfor- tress, but I find myself coming to who stays sober tunate tree which got in my way one love and enjoy the imperfect creatime 1 had wanted not to be taken down drunk anymore; but since my evening when I wasn’t really drunk, tures who inhabit it. anyway just not gauging distances too well. Another suggestion I hear fairly psychotherapist had told me I wasn’t an alcoholic ( I merely drank too As, with advancing sobriety, my often is, “Look around and find the much when I got upset) I hadn’t felt past began to present a clearer pic- people who have succeeded on the 1 was eligible for Alcoholics Anony- ture to me, I saw that I had tended program. Then associate with them.” mous. When this friend suggested I to narrow my social contacts to peo- Again I can see that for some this visit AA, I seized the proposal ple who thought and felt about life is good advice – at least at first. If eagerly. Those real alcoholics could as nearly as possible the way I did. y9u are too weak to stand, you had surely tell me just where I did stand Anyone who didn’t agree with me better hang on to someone who is on this matter of drinking. -to hell with them. So, in my case strong enough to hold himself up, So we went to a meeting, neither it was therapeutic to take people as not someone who is likely to fall of us knowing a soul there. But I I found them, where I found them; down with you. But I have some never mind whether their points of doubts that you will ever be able to

get onto your own feet if you keep ly. I never withdrew. Especially parasitically clinging to the suc- when drinking, I hurled myself at cesses. Your own legs grow stronger the world, screaming, “Look at me! from trying to hold up someone less Look at me! See who I am!” strong. So now, instinctively I feel that it The attitude behind this stay- is sobering to identify myself merely close-to-the-successful advice strikes as a human being who had trouble me as encouragement to be takers, with alcohol. Who or what I am not the givers we should be. And, if other than that does not matter. I read the AA message correctly, we Even my name is not important. had better start learning to give, and I feel, without being able to exdamn quickly, too. plain it exactly, that these lines of Some members of the groups I go Emily Dickinson’s are apropos for to announce themselves, not by the me: “I’m nobody! Who are you? / classic, “I’m Joe; I’m an alcoholic,” Are you nobody, too?. . . 1 How but more or less in this fashion: dreary to be somebody! / How “My name is Cornelius Fitzgerald public, like a frog I T o tell your Montgomery, the Third, and I’m name the live-long day / To an definitely an alcoholic.” admiring bog!” 1 can understand and sympathize These remarks are not meant as with this performance. It indicates a an admonition to pay no attention commendable desire on the part of to what people tell you in Alcoholics the speaker to come out into the Anonymous. If the advice given by open, to give himself to others with- others is wrong for you, the only out reservations. I suspect that pub- way you’ll find it out is not by ignorlicly stating his full name is especial- ing or rejecting it but by paying atly therapeutic for the drinker who tention, and weighing it carefully lurked in corners taking surrepti- with the help of your own inner tious drags on the bottle, naively voice. This may, according to your hoping that nobody would notice. own convictions, be either the voice For the person who withdrew even of your God, or the total functioning when sober, who wanted to crawl of your Self-senses, emotions, reaaway and hide, this symbolical rev- son. Call it Soul or Spirit or what elation is undoubtedly an important you will, it combines to make you step in recovery. what you are, working toward the But for me it would be an en- objective you have chosen-a sober couragement of traits in myself life. which must now be dealt with firm- Anonymous

April 1966 1 . -t

An alcoholic’s own story vironment of their home added asked me to talk at a meeting in much to my dilemma. But I didn’t Brooklyn. A week later I was incare and I was happy to be in their vited to speak at a man’s fifth annicompany. I continued to drink and versary. However, my sponsor has it was getting worse. suggested that I not speak too often. Some months ago this couple I am now fourteen years old but mentioned AA to me. I never heard appear much older than my age. I of AA. And I told them that I was attend AA meetings four or five too young to be an alcoholic. They times a week. I go to school regu- M Y N A M E IS M A R Y were going to meetings and bring- larly now and I enjoy it very much. According to Dr. Marvin A. ing home literature for me to read. Then they asked me to go to an AA Block, Vice-president of the Nationmeeting. I al Council on Alcoholism, “. . .chil- At my first meeting I was intro- dren find their responsibilities overduced to one of the speakers whose whelming, and if they haven’t been story had a slight resemblance to trained to handle them, they often mine. He took me under his wing resort to the alcoholic method of and brought me to many AA meet- escape.” I used that method for a I STARTED drinking when I was eleven years old. 1 lived with my mother and my grandmother. My at my house. They would very seldom find me at home. I got into trouble with the police ings. I followed his suggestions and fatherly advice. Every time I got long time but now 1 feel very much relieved because 1 have. found AA. father died when I was a baby. My and I was placed on probation. My upset or had a problem I would call I have found an entirely new way mother was born with a speech de- neighbors tried very hard to have him up. I was very much confused of life, and I only hope that this is fect. 1 am the only child and I felt me put away but I was “needed at but each time he would put me back not a dream because I am afraid to it was my duty to assume all respon- home.” Why was I “needed at on the right path. wake up in a world of darkness. sibilities. I hung around teen-agers home” when I didn’t do anything A short time ago I attended a I sincerely hope that my story who were much older than myself. to help the two persons I loved? I meeting out of town. Much to my will be of some help to other young From them 1 learned how to would hold wild parties in our three- surprise, I was asked to say a few teen-agrs with an alcoholic probdrink. I was introduced to goof balls room apartment and the neighbors words. I spoke for about five min- lem. 1 only know that by submitting and cough medicine. It wasn’t very would call the police. utes and 1 honestly do not remem- my story I have helped myself a long before I discovered that alcohol As I got a little older, I depended ber what I said. great deal. and pills would solve all my prob- more and more on the bottle of A few weeks later my sponsor Mary L., Brooklyn, N. Y . . lems. 1 found that it was a heavy whiskey. 1 was now getting to the burden for me to take care of my point where 1 would drink just to mother and grandmother. seek oblivion. My problems disap- As my drinking progressed, I dis- peared temporarily when I would go f covered that my whole world was into a blackout. How could a per- I in a bottle of whiskey. I attended son, thirteen years of age, have school only three months a year. I problems? would hide the bottle in my desk I was now baby-sitting for a and take a drink at every opportu- young couple, who, by their own adnity. The truant officers were always mission, were alcoholics. The en-

May 1966

An alcoholic’s own story .sort of order and feed my family. Somehow I kept them in clean clothes for’ school, but they soon learned to do for themselves while I was sick. God knows I was in no M y Name Is Jackie condition to pay much attention to a psychologist, and she suggested I them. go to an AA meeting. She told me My husband and two older chil- if I didn’t like it I didn’t need to dren did a lot of housework, and got attend more than one or two, but it a lot of meals in those two years. couldn’t do any harm and I might STARTED drinking in my senior the operation. Things went fine, and But I never heard one word of com- enjoy it. I year at school. I never drank more than just enough to have a I spent a sober and very enjoyable two weeks in the hospital. A week plaint. Perhaps they had given me up for lost, and knew it wasn’t any I hesitated for two weeks, because I didn’t like the idea of entergood time until the last couple of after I got home, my daughter had use. During my drinking periods, I ing a room full of strangers. As I years. I never drank much after I an accident and I had to rush her would drink for three or four days, had stayed sober about a month, I got married -perhaps a glass of to the hospital. She had a broken eating little, until I was so sick I was reasonably able to meet people, beer after supper. If my husband hand and this didn’t help my nerves prayed for God to let me die or else and finally went to the meeting. and I went out, we would have two one bit. I stayed sober a couple of that someone would put me in the There were three men and a’girl sitor three highballs and we didn’t go weeks, then back ‘to the bottle. I hospital for the insane. I had many ting around a table, smoking and . out often as we had three small didn’t enjoy it at all, and just the thoughts of suicide but never had talking when I entered. They all children. I never had enough to get thought and smell of it made me the courage, thank God. smiled and spoke and I felt a little sick. But, about three years ago, 1 sick. But I needed something for my My mother was very good to me, better. They asked if I belonged to began to be more nervous, gain nerves, so, gagging, I would drink, and, living nearby, would come in that group, and when I said I was weight, and have dizzy spells. The and feel better for a while. It got so and do the housework and be with visiting it turned out they were visitdoctor told me that I had a goiter bad that I had to have a drink be- me when I was in bed with a nerv- ing also, from a different group. As and should have it operated on. He fore I got out of bed, so I kept a ous spell. I had to have someone they were strangers there too, I prescribed thyroid extract and gave bottle under my bed to take a shot with me, as I couldn’t stand to be didn’t feel so alone. me some tranquilizers. I hated the before starting the day. I had to alone while I was sobering off. I Soon my sponsor came and she thought of an operation and began have a drink every hour and some- would stay sober about two weeks, introduced us, telling the girl to exto dwell upon it. As a result, I be- times couldn’t wait until the hour and then start all over again. I was plain something about AA to me as came more nervous. About a year was up. I just couldn’t hurry the still taking tranquilizers, and also I was new. We sat together during later, I found that I was drinking hours away fast enough so that I sleeping pills when I couldn’t sleep. the meeting and I became very inmore and the doctor gave me could go back to bed and sleep. By the grace of God, I never took terested when the speakers told their stronger tranquilizers. As time went Sleep! A drunken unconscious- a lethal dose. stories. I hadn’t known what to exon, I drank more and more and was ness until the effects wore off. About I had two different doctors for pect but it was entirely different taking stronger and stronger tran- four A.M. I would be wide awake, checkups, and they bpth suggested from the idea I had formed. I atquilizers. I would drink periodic- shaky and dreading the hours of I visit a psychiatrist and let up on tended two or three meetings, and ally and then, shaky and sick, go to misery until I could take a drink alcohol. I couldn’t afford psychiatry, then had car trouble so I couldn’t the doctor for a shot. and start the vicious circle again. so I tried to quit on my own. I hon- go the next week. As it is hard for Finally, I got up courage to have I tried to keep the house in some estly wanted to stop drinking but me to make myself known to others, couldn’t go it alone. I finally visited I felt kind of left out. I missed five

meetings in all by just letting them knew that Someone was watching slide by. The next week, one of the over me. girls called and told me everyone I haven’t had that terrible need wondered why I hadn’t been com- for a drink since that moment. I ing and they missed me. She asked have spoken many times since then, me to try to come again when I told even though I am still nervous when her I was ashamed to, after missing I do. I also try to apply the Twelve so many. Steps and the Slogans to my daily I had stayed sober during this living. I have stopped taking trantime, so I must have got something quilizers, and have been much hapout of the first few meetings. I went pier than I ever was before. As I back, and everyone was so con- live quite a distance from where we cerned and friendly that I felt like meet, there isn’t much chance of a long-lost member of the family, Twelfth Step work for me. Instead, coming home after a long absence. I have been contahing alcohol-re- The first three months were hard search organizations for material for me as I still wanted to drink and and have been writing articles on felt sure I wasn’t an alcoholic. I alcoholism. This is my way of k e e p thought I just needed to stay sober ing my own sobriety and peace of for a while, until I got my health mind. back and then I could drink again! If they prove to be of help to oth- But I kept going to meetings and ers I will feel even better. one night I felt I had to speak. I I attend my own AA meetings asked the chairman if I could say every week while my husband goes a few words while I had the cour- to Al-Anon. They have helped us age. I was very nervous and scared both and we wouldn’t miss a meetwhen he called my name but up ing now for anything in the world. front I went. When I told my name It has opened up a whole new way and admitted I was an alcoholic, I of life for us; an enjoyable one, and suddenly had the feeling that God we want to keep it that way. I know was right beside me, holding my that God has my problem in His hand. I didn’t talk long and can’t keeping and it couldn’t be in better remember half of what I said, but I hands. He is with me every moment, felt so much better that I could have keeping me from evil, and leading shouted out loud. I had accepted me in His way. the fact that I was an alcoholic and J . B., Farmington, Me.

July 1966

bad happened to me. I was a silent holic fog. I dropped my friends, A n alcoholic’s own story suffering martyr, and naturally I neglected my appearance and slowneeded more to drink to console ly slid to a lower-class environment. my suffering soul. My initiative was gone, nothing When my husband finally in- mattered but my drinking. formed me that he was getting a After two years I was arrested divorce because he wanted to re- again and put on probation. I had M y Name Is Ramona marry, I started in earnest to pur- spent seventeen days in, jail. My ‘sue my downward slide. 1 couldn’t job was gone, I couldn’t find anface up to the fact that I was really I other, bills piled up, more and more ousted, a cast-off. problems arose. I groveled in self- Alcohol solved the whole prob- pity and resentment. At last, driven lem. The more I drank the more I into a corner, with no money and STEPPED into the little bare our community, my conscience re- decided to prove to him that he no help, my fear became blinding I room, the door closed behind me and I heard the lock slip into place. volted against my freedom of actions. My doubts arose and with was giving up what other men and I burst forth in a final selfwanted. My morals became disgust- destructive act of violence. I ating. I drank at night and awoke to tempted to steal. I was caught in It was the first of many times that I them an increase in drinking. would hear a door lock behind me, I tried to blame my guilt on oth- guilt; I suddenly found myself a the act. closing me off from the rest of the ers. My family was at fault, my very pious drunk. I prayed for After twenty-seven days in which world. I was unwanted, alone, lost husband was to blame, my friends humility and drank for forwardness. I had blindly gone through court , were bad influences. If they had I prayed for virtue and drank for proceedings, and the filing by my and afraid. I was a prisoner in a done things differently my security freedom of morals. I prayed for a ex-husband for custody of our child woman’s state prison. and way of life would not have been good job and home and drank for I was transferred from county jail, This was the end of the slowly disrupted. I soon found that my a release from responsibility. to state prison. I faced eighteen degrading slide I had taken in the guilt complex could not be eased by The beginning of the end came months to five years within the enpursuit of the ever necessary “one blaming others, only when I drank when I was locked in jail over night closing confines of prison. I was no more drink.” My slide, like every other alco- was I able to feel free. My guilt and my driver’s license taken for longer just a drunk and a failure, I holic’s, was constructed of self- became worse and at last I vowed I drunk driving. I left court reformed, was now a prisoner, withput rights would change. I became a hypo- I vowed that my life in the future or identity. My life was done, there pity, resentment, guilt and fear; its ultimate goal, self-destruction. crite. I hid behind an assumed role would be different. was no future, nothing but lone- I began the one-way ride as a of religion. I tried to become God- For a while I did change, but my liness and fear. social drinker, relaxing after work like only to find myself more con- loss of transportation brought about I could not face it, I regressed. I with friends, because I had to ease fused. In my confusion I, drank new problems and T knew onlv one hid from the world and reality. I my way through the aftermath of a more and my drink-clouded brain way to solvc problems. I turned did what I was told without thought broken marriage. After several gave me my answer. Everyone in- once more to the bottle. or feeling. 1 worked and slept and . months of separation I began to cluding God was to blame for my Drinking was now a necessity for ate. date but found myself feeling guilty. troubles. survival, I had nothing else to cling I was told to attend AA classes. After having been married to one My guilt now had a new bed to. My job and home life began to I went and I listened but I did not man for thirteen years, having partner – self-pity. I had tried to suffer. When I sobered up I couldn’t understand. They talked of God borne his child, and worked with be a humble, virtuous person but face the mess I was causing. It was and self-inventory and said to turn him to build a respectable place in God had let me down. Everything casier to stay hidden in an alco- your life over to a “Greater Power.’.’ .

I admitted I needed help but I had afraid-afraid of being alone, afraid What was I feeling sorry for? – it did no good to worry about them. already tried God and He hadn’t of the future, afraid of the past, but my life was what I had made it. No 1 had to live for now, the future given me help. now I had no bottle to drown my one had forced me to do anything I would take care of itself when it They said to admit your wrong- fears in. At the AA meetings 1 re- hadn’t wanted to, except me. Who came. doings. I did, but I wasn’t all to membered them talking about turn- could I resent? My family? They I found that once I accepted my blame, my faults were the outcome ing our lives over to a Power greater weren’t perfect perhaps, but then I present life it wasn’t really as bad of what others had done to me. than ourselves. This then might be hadn’t given them much in return as I had thought. I found new inter- They discussed resentments and my answer. I sure wasn’t able to for what they had given me. They ests and new friends. I was able to ego. Of course I had resentments. do anything by myself. My nerves ‘were living with my shame and had sleep without nightmares and do I had lost everything, my family were shot, my thinking confused. lived with it as much as I had. a day’s work without complaint. had turned against me – all be- My whole life revolved in a never Could I resent my ex-husband? I Where I had once dreaded the cause no one understood. Everyone ending turmoil of resentment, self- had begged for understanding; what thought of going out into the free including God had let me down. I pity and a mixed-up attitude about him, maybe he needed a world, alone and branded, I now had no ego. By accepting my fate towards God. little, too? The judge, the penal looked forward to it. I now knew without fighting I was certainly I went determined to listen and institutions administration? None of how to face life and there were a proving myself to be among the learn, instead I talked and learned. them twisted my arm to make me lot of things I wanted to get done. humblest of humble. I poured out my soul. I got rid of break the law. I had needed help I was growing up and I wanted to I crawled further into my hole. pent-up resentments, my ego and they were trying to give it to try out my new-found freedom. I cried and worried about what was showed its true self, but my self- me. It sounds strange to talk of freehappening to my child and what pity refused to be budged; I still be- Humility. I hadn’t known the dom while locked in prison but I ‘. would happen to me. My nerves be- lieved myself wronged. meaning of the word. I had prayed, have a freedom that I have never came jangled and I couldn’t sleep. I tried hard to understand, but “Thy will be done.” I had .really known before. I am not afraid, I I lay awake looking out the lone some pieces simply would not fit. I meant, “My will be done.” I had know that I can face up to my window of my little room and was sure that it had been my ego in been trying to bargain with God problems because I am no longer dreamed of ways of getting out. I the past that had sustained me, but and was mad when things didn’t alone. Call it faith, call it a Greater was sure that I had been wronged now I was told to turn my life over turn out my way. Power, call it God – it is there. I by society and felt that if only to a Power greater than myself. I My entire outlook began to take have a sustaining hand, I can bend people could be made to under- was told to live for today only and on new meaning. I still had prob- with life and spring back because I stand, I would be helped. in all things I must trust in God: lems, big ones, but I couldn’t solve now have a Power that will help me. I began to ask for help; I wanted “Thy will be done.” them while I was still in prison and I need never be alone again. to be understood. I really didn’t When things were getting to a R. W.,Plymouth, Mich. want constructive help. I wanted point of utter confusion our AA sympathy, and if people didn’t counselor let us listen to a tape reagree with my views I became re- cording by a leading psychiatrist. I sentful. No one would try to under- listened, but only one word stuck stand. with me. That word was “phoney.” After three months of confine- I was a phoney; I hadn’t meant ment I realized at last that I was to be but I had woven such a tight alone. I was helpless. Nothing that web of self-pity and resentment that I could d o was of any avail. I had the truth had become lost in the reached the end of the road. I was tangle.

July 1966

fully for dinner even if I eat before for company or for a nice outing. I go. Fun doesn’t always mean having Sometimes, at the risk of being a roaring party -quiet times are an impolite hostess, I have to ex- just as enjoyable in a more subtle and then there cuse myself and take a nap or go way. A holiday could be an excuse to bed earlier than my guests may for doing something new and difwant to. But after all, my sobriety ferent. I remember when I lived in booze sessions . . . is so important to me that I can’t New York I loved a summer weekrisk a relapse by getting too tired. I end in town when the crowds were the try to remember always that my away at the beaches and I had disease is arrested, not cured. room to appreciate the real beauty Fourth NOTHER ~ o u r t hof ~ u l yholiday is coming up. Even after six If possible it’s nice to fill your of the magnificent city. New York holiday with people you really want without its teeming mobs is quiet dry years I always have the feeling to be with and things you want to and mysterious. of do. Perhaps there is a family you The noise of the Fourth of July know who would like to go to the makes me tense and jittery. It’s no ‘ country for the weekend and who holiday for me because I still have would see its beauties, not through a stupid phobia about fireworks. came an alcoholic. For many peo- drink-glazed eyes, but with clear For two weeks before the “Gloriple holidays mean drinking bouts. undimmed vision. ous Fourth” I jump out’ of my They probably feel awful the next Perhaps your activities will take skin when someone throws a firemorning, but that’s part of the cel- place at home because of the well- cracker out of a passing car. My cbration to them. At least I feel fine publicized danger of highways on dogs and I cower in a comer tothe morning after! I’m tired, but long weekends. But there are al- gether! Try as I will I can’t relax what a relief to have that twenty- ways fascinating books to read and my tension unless I shut myself up four hours behind me! interesting TV programs. Just sit- in a room with the air-conditioner The fatigue I feel after a holiday ting in the sun and relaxing is going and the radio on full blast, is over is a puzzle. Perhaps it’s a pleasant. I’ve been reduced to even if it does seem cowardly. I result of entertaining and talking to , cleaning closets on holidays, just to used to get so drunk I couldn’t hear people for hours on end without the keep busy, but even that gave me a the fireworks! That’s why it’s such benefit of liquor to lubricate my feeling of accomplishment. a difficult holiday for me now! In tongue. It’s not too bad in the day- The people I feel sorry for on addition I brood over all the awful time when there are activities such long weekends, and I’ve been one assorted accidents happening all as swimming, or tennis going on, of them, are those who live alone. around. But this is something over but at night when my friends settle But they will probably find that which I have no control and down to a long evening of drinking + either their AA group, or their AA shouldn’t worry about, so I try to and don’t care when they eat, I find club will have special activities be- squash those feelings. Somehow, it hard. If I’m hostess, it’s not so cause they realize the temptations my most hated and feared holiday bad because I can control the hour that can arise on such occasions. passes and is gone for another year. of mealtime, but if I’m a guest it’s There’s usually somebody who is July fifth is my favorite day. . i: difficult to wait endlessly and cheer- , just as lonely who would be glad 1Mo.i; Florence T.. c r e s c e n ~

August 1966

so grateful that I was putty – and ing passed out or so oblivious of lost nearly $300 which was never everything that I didn’t care. By the returned. After that experience, if end of those eight months I couldn’t An alcoholic’s own story I was not a cynic before I suddenly even get jobs I didn’t want. became one. But finally, I did get a job, again with the money and title I wanted. Bitterness When I got it I was so grateful that After working at a job which I I was a real fish. Whatever I was hated for nearly two and a half asked to do I did. I stayed many years I quit it and went to college. hours overtime without pay. My I drank throughout college but boss was nice for awhile but finally didn’t think very much about it. I turned mean. I had liked her, and felt gratitude for the job; now I was I BELIEVE that if there is such a thing as an alcoholic personality I had it long before I ever started to graduated in 1961 hoping to find a job doing some sort of writing. I found that my only real assets were deeply hurt and I sought the usual answer for an alcoholic – drink. In drink. My parents separated in typing and stenography -which I August of 1964 I got drunk in a 1957 and I was glad because my had had from high school. I had way that involved not only myself father had made life miserable for entered college bitter, I came out but other members of my family both my mother and me. However bitter, and continued to feel ever- unpleasantly and from that time on from that experience I developed an increasing bitterness. I got a job until I came into AA in 1965, I overwhelming hatred for my father and the world. It seems to me now Theresa which I really didn’t want and it lasted three months. I got a tempodon’t think a day went by that I didn’t think of suicide. It really that at that time the world stopped rary job and was fired from that. I bothered me that I just didn’t have and I got off; I never again felt got another job then, a rather good the nerve to take my own life. “with” anything or anyone until I job with the kind of money and title Beginning of the end came into AA in January of this that I wanted but the pink cloud (if year. it may be called that) lasted until The day came when my mother When I was about fifteen I had a on these weekends except to drink. I found out that in this company sat across the table from me and very bad cold. A girl I went to I had an aunt, uncle and cousins raises and advancement were un- cried because of the condition I was high school with told me that a shot in Connecticut. I began to visit heard of. My drinking picked up in and the more she cried the more of whiskey was the thing. I not only them. For the first time I began to here and I started losing time from I drank. During my last drunk, took a shot that night but my mother see what it was like to belong to a work. I lasted a year there and got which started out with my intending had to help me to bed. I don’t re- family. They all drank, so I drank. fired. Then was to follow eight to take “a little” blackberry brandy member drinking again until I fin- I felt this was the thing to do. I months of unemployment; I started and ended up by my taking the ished high school and started to couldn’t belong unless I drank. drinking during the day. I would go whole quart plus some of a pint of work. Then the party weekends As I look back I remember al- for interviews in the morning and whiskey (even though I was dreadstarted. I went away on weekends ways feeling lonely. I felt so lonely start drinking as soon as I got home fully ill while I drank), I thought of just to drink. I had no other inter- that I used to pray for a friend – in the afternoon. I knew I would AA because I felt I had tried everyests. I did not dance, swim or ski so not friends, just one friend. At last have to go over the whole thing thing else and nothing had worked. there was no reason for me to go I found that one friend, and I was again when my mother came home, I wrote to AA the next morning. and I solved that by either be- A woman called me from Inter-

group on Wednesday. By that time taking them again. I had had one I didn’t feel too badly since usually whiskey sour at lunch that day. I Group. I didn’t think AA would stupid.” “Oh, but you are when it after I got drunk I couldn’t look at told the man who led the beginner’s help me but I decided to try it. For comes to drinking,” he said. And I a drink again for four or five days. meeting that evening about the one the first time in years (maybe even realized he was right. I hadn’t I tried very hard to convince that whiskey sour and I really expected in my lifetime) I felt a sense of be- wanted my life to turn out this way woman that I wasn’t worried, only him to tell me to go home that I longing. I became active in my and I hadn’t wanted to be the heartinterested. She told me there was a didn’t need AA. But instead he group right away and was asked to break to my mother that I was. I meeting at Gotham Thursday night. said, “You’ll have one today and be secretary after about two and a think when I first joined I did it for one next week but eventually you’ll half months. I was scared but I my mother and to hold onto my Second thoughts be drunk.” And I knew he was accepted because I was told that job, but I very shortly realized that I started out for the meeting from right because this had happened this would be good for me. I wanted this for myself and this work. I worked on Forty-Third over and over again. was a good thing since I lost my Advice job after I was three months sober, Street, and Gotham is on Sixty-Ninth He said, “Whether you know it Street. All the way up I kept telling or not these are the people you The night I joined Sutton the and my mother still does not undermyself that I should go home, that have been looking for all your life.” man who signed me up said, “The stand why I have to go to so many I was all right. But the woman from That appealed to me since I knew best way to go about this program meetings. Intergroup had told me to look for I had been searching for something is to be stupid.” Well, my college de- After I lost my job I went someone at Gotham and I was for years. gree flashed in front of my eyes and through a period where I was very afraid if I didn’t go in this woman I stayed for the open meeting and . I thought of my job and I was angry dramatic. I more or less discharged would come after me. I kept looking a young fellow said in his talk that and replied, “I am not exactly my sponsor saying that it was just a into restaurant windows and seeing he hadn’t laughed for a long time drinks on trays and I wanted to before he came into the program drink badly but I had never gone and I realized that it had been a into a bar or restaurant alone for a long time .since I had laughed. In drink. I reached Gotham and stood fact, it took me a long time in the outside the door. A man was going program before I could laugh within who looked dreadful to me. My out saying to someone, “Don’t I reaction was: “Now you’ve done it. sound funny?” However, I didn’t Now you’ve hit bottom.” And I had think AA was for me. the most terrible urge. to run away The next morning I wanted to and go home. However, I went in drink the minute I got up. And I and I met a woman there who told did drink that night. I had two rum me she had been in AA for about cocktails, then I brought two bottles three months, and she was still of stout home with me. (Quite a dizzy. This was the first time that I combination!) I knew there was ever equated liquor with dizziness. also a bottle of whiskey in the house I had been dizzy for months but I and I sat for a whole hour trying to thought it was because I was taking get up the nerve to ask my mother vitamin pills and then I would stop for a drink eved though I knew she the vitamin pills and find I was wouldn’t give it to me. still dizzy and then I would start The next night I joined the Sutton

matter of time till I drank again since I couldn’t see what else I Confident and grateful could do to face the realities of life I am still out of work but I have and I said I didn’t want her or AA confidence that I will get a good job to feel responsible. Actually I did; soon. I am a very grateful alcoholic. I wanted to blame it on someone if I realize I have a long way to go I drank again. However about two since I am still not very good at ‘ days later I went back to her in facing the realities of life which absolute desperation and one of the sometimes can be frightening, but things she said to me that night was, even in this short while I know I “Aren’t you grateful at all that you have come a long way from where are sober today?” I wasn’t. In that I was in January. If there is any short time I had forgotten what it advice I can give, it would be the had been like to be sick and des- advice I took. Be stupid about the perate. But since that night I have program. Try to listen and practice realized what a great miracle it is the things that are being said and for any of us to wake up in the advised. And just have blind faith morning and not be sick and des- that it will work for you. perate. N., Y. T . F., ~ i o o k l ~ n

August 1966

band would never be able to stay sober. I compared him to the other alcoholics and was sure he didn’t have what they had. He seemed so weak and spineless and the oth- Confidence ers seemed so strong and confident. I was wrong! He kept going to every meeting that he could get to. Days passed and he didn’t get drunk. I couldn’t believe it! But I still didn’t have any faith in him. I knew DIDN’T realize that the day that that as the days went by the inevi- I looked the darkest actually was table drunk drew nearer. I grew the beginning of the first sunny and more and more nervous. I even happy time of our marriage. hoped that he would start drinking; I had gone to seek advice from I felt my tension would let up. How our pastor. I was desperate. Our selfish and wrong I was. Instead of marriage had gone from bad to helping my husband, I was hoping worse. In the first four years of our he would get drunk!, It was a long life together my husband’s drinking time before I began to see myself was a constant worry and disap- as I was. My husband stayed dry. pointment. I won’t go into details, without any help from the one perbut it was the usual story of losing son who should have been at his jobs, lying, jails. The pastor’s only side. advice was for me to take my hus- It has been many years since band to Alcoholics Anonymous. My these events took place and my only thought was that he was not an mate is still dry. Today he has conalcoholic. He just drank too much! fidence in himself. He looks strong But I suggested it to my husband like those men in our first meeting. anyway. He reacted as I had and The day that looked the blackest refused to admit that there’was even was the end of my husband’s a possibility that he needed AA. drinking. His drinking got worse for the I do hope my story will help next nine months. Then of his own another alcoholic’s mate to have accord he walked into the AA club. confidence from the moment the That evening we attended our first mate enters AA. When a person meeting. I remember that meeting decides to join AA he is desperate as if it were yesterday. The people and he needs all the help he can were so kind and friendly. I wanted get. How gratifying it would be if so much to be able to remain among we could say, “I helped a little.” them, but I was sure that my hus- Jane A., Denver, Colo.

September 1966

know he was the town drunk. In ficers’ club. I was laughed at for Hialeah, Florida, I took a taxi to speaking German with a Southern keep from driving, and the taxi accent and also laughed at for singdriver was arrested for drunken ing it that way; also laughed at, no driving and me along with him – doubt, for being drunk and unable though I had never seen the man be- to sing! fore and I was not drunk. I had My alcoholic downfall came right ,merely tried to doctor a hangover before Germany. I had had some with a couple of drinks. My car was success as a writer in the summer of parked outside my apartment. 1946 and my usual hermit-like ex- In Fort Worth, Texas I spent istence was disrupted by the pub- $700 paying lawyers to help me licity. T o put up with it, I drank a keep my driver’s license. Since I great deal more than I had before. lived on the lake outside the city, I Only now can I see that it was avoided the police by using my excessive. I didn’t realize I could boat more than my car to get to have drowned swimming alone in I MORE LIFE ALL THE TlME the grocery store or drugstore. Any the ocean off the coast of North day I could be seen weaving my way Carolina at midnight, and didn’t across the lake. care. In North Carolina they caught The kght before I was to sail She capered from Texas to Landsberg am Lech, up with me – $350 and I lost the for Bremerhaven, I had a blackout HEN I was drinking, I said I license. at Fort Hamilton. My doctor said would keep it up until I was My Southern story seems to amuse later it was a nervous breakdown. but too broke to buy more. I did. When I I my Yankee friends. The fact that I No doubt it was. I didn’t want to go I quit I was broke. It took a lot of do everything backwards amuses to Germany. When I got there it hard work and a devil-may-care everyone. At nineteen I married and was as bare as I had known it the best place was showered with the usual sterling would be. The apartment had three

of all is suicidal attitude but I made it. I could never claim to be a quiet, lady-like boudoir drinker. When I tried that, I woke with the fireman i silver and linen pillow cases. From cots, three chairs and a kitchen then on I was too poor to buy any- table. There were no rugs, curtains, thing. I spent years as an army wife cooking utensils or furniture and my shaking me and the room full of I serving hamburger or grits with the clothes were permanently lost in smoke. Though I never really sterling, and making up beds in shipping, but there were two footsuch unlikely places as Landsberg lockers filled with the best of every- Miami -sober started any trouble intentionally, it found me. I attracted it and cops am Lech in Germany, Fort Bragg, thing to drink. We opened the like a magnet does filings. Every Cheyenne and London, with linen champagne by whacking the bottom time I got drunk, I either fell down pillow cases. of the bottle on a pillow held against or was knocked down and always I had studied German in college the wall of the living room. This got a black eye. When I drove my never thinking I would use it. When celebration was to make up for my car, I was arrested. When I hired a I did, it was to buy eggs on the birthday and Christmas spent in a stranger in a bar to drive it, he was black market and to sing “Lili hurricane off the Azores and in the arrested and me with him! I didn’t Marlene” in the original in the of- English channel. We had the finest

note to come to her house sober the realized that nothing but a bottle next night and go to a meeting. I had tripped me up, all the way down did and stayed sober six months, the line. I picked up the pieces of bought a car, had a nice apartment, me that were scattered around and money in the bank and a good job. went back to AA on Chistmasday, Then, I was fired for being in AA! 1959. Now, each Christmas day I This was a real blow. I know now deduct the year I added on my !that my boss was an alcoholic. He birthday. I stay the same age since died later in the alcoholic ward of I feel I add a year to my l i e each a hospital. (He thought I knew year I stay sober. when he was drinking and it made I grasped at everything AA had had had no one with whom to dis- him uncomfortable.) to offer. Nothing was too trivial and cuss the problem, so I drank again. I got drunk. The six months that nothing more important. Miami is a When I returned to the States I followed were the longest and hard- good place for this, with its many was afraid to drink and stayed sober est, for I didn’t want to drink, but groups and clubs and active memanother year but had no contact was only able to stand myself when bers. with AA. I amused myself by be- I did. I have had the opportunity ofchampagne, for ’46 and ’47 were coming an insurance agent for our My landlady locked me out even fered me to manage the agency that vintage years. But we had no cork- family firm. Later, when I had to though the rent was paid! fired me for being in AA. This is ‘ screw, and we drank it from thick earn a living, I was glad that I had. Then I couldn’t get drunk. Either just a minor thing compared to the handleless GI cups. Though I knew very little about the whiskey would run out or the ability to accept life as it is and I didn’t like myself drunk and insurance except selling it, I landed money, or I didn’t want it and make the most of it. The AA way never remembered being drunk. In a job with the usual alcoholic sometimes couldn’t get it. there is more of life all the time. a blackout I danced the tango, aplomb in Washington, D. C. as an By now the fun was gone. I M . T., Miami, Flu. skiied and ice skated and fell down- underwriter, figuring rates. Naturalstairs. No recollection. Always when ly, I knew nothing about rates but I awakened with the knowledge of did manage to stay sober enough a blackout, I had usually done during the week to learn, and sur- . something I didn’t want to remem- prised everyone by earning a living. ber. It was often recalled to me in By the time I had worn out my detail, and I could never deny any welcome and fur coat and made of it. the round of Washington jobs, quit- I read about AA and ordered ting and being fired for drinking, I the book and stayed sober as a headed for a warmer climate loner for nearly a year in Germany. Miami. , I accepted the fact that I was an I soon had several jobs to my alcoholic and couldn’t drink. My discredit. This time, I called AA. doctor disrupted this period of so- By the time help arrived I was briety by pouring me a drink after drunk again and told the AA mem- I had cut my hand accidentally. He ber that I spoke fluent Latin and I ” knew nothing of alcoholics, and I knew all about AA. She left me a

October 1966

lounger member’s story me. I do recall lying on a cold ce- returned home by jet (via Daddy’s ment floor shedding into little bits bankbook) to a pair of miserable, several pieces of stolen identifica- hurt parents. tion cards, and washing my face in It was here I began to hate mythe toilet bowl trying to sober up, self, and drank primarily to ease my screaming hysterically while cling- conscience and forget. The more I ing to bars too high to see out of drank, the worse it got and the more and cursing everyone that came I had to drink. Every day became near me. that much harder to live through Naturally this didn’t stop me. It and I began to take a look at myself. only bccame another excuse to What had happened to the shy, drink. The fact that I lost my driv- lonely, churchgoing wallflower? I er’s license, was made a ward of the had never been very happy, but now court and put on probation, not to it was unbearable. I KNEW I BELONGED mention that I might have killed I had lost all faith in God and thrce friends and myself, never man; I was a bitterly rebellious teen-

w HEN 1 was a kid, my friends seemed to be the answer to all my used to tease me by calling me problems. What I didn’t know then an “alkie,” and 1 got a big kick out was that one drink was too many of this for a while. But somewhere and one hundred not enough. Gradreally occurred to me. Soon it bccame apparent that my schooling was definitely interfering with my drinking. Without hesitation I did ager. I hated the world and its people. I’d managed to drink my way through all my friends. I had no one in the world to talk to. I had acthe only logical thing and ran away quired a fast-growing police record during my short drinking career, I ually this became more and more from home. I was in the fourth quit laughing. apparent to me so I drank more, in and had thrown away my education. quarter of my senior year at high With increasing guilt and never end- It wasn’t funny anymore when I a hurry to achieve my goal. school, and my mother was quite But it began to be an awfully ing depression I planned my death. had to call Alcoholics Anonymous sick in the hospital. I was too weak to continue this for help at age eighteen – still a painful process as hangovers, black- Can you picture two girls hitchkid. outs, trouble and remorse set in. My day-by-day suicide. hiking their way to Las Vegas from Thank God I was too gutless to I had my first drink when I was parents’ car had a strong attraction Washington State? We did, and go through with it. I knew of AA, fifteen and my alcoholic potential had to fences and one night I blacked spent a month boozing it up, pop- so I called- l had no idea what ripened me to the point of necessary out, and drove the car down a bank, ping pills and smoking marijuana, would happen – 1 just knew I escapism. 1 needed alcohol from ramming the steel fence around taking shelter where we could, didn’t want to live if life was going that night on and it in turn used someone’s backyard. By the time I which included a veterinary hos- to go on like it was. me. ruling my life for three years. figured out what had happened, I pital one night. Accepting meals Today I’m counting my blessings 1 never drank socially; I drank as saw two flashing red lights atop from anyone, actually begging and often and as much as I could. My squad cars, sedately coming around instead of my troubles. When I stealing anything we were in need walked into the friendly atmosphere eventual goal was to drink myself the corner. of, which was about everything. I certainly wasn’t my shy, quiet of my first AA meeting I knew I to death. This little escapade also ended up All my life, it seemed, was spent self that night – as I was informed in the clutches of the law, and my was where I belonged. Here wcre people who had thought and felt as on the outside looking in. I had been the next morning. It was a pretty friend was institutionalized for eight I had. Here was the understanding unhappy, lonely and scared for so blurry night. I could hardly see at months. Myself having turned eigh- I’d been searching for all my life. long that the discovery of liquor all and my memory kept eluding teen during the “trip,” despondently These people wcre my friends and I

felt their sincere interest in me. self, the discovery of an inner being; tor I could not sleep and needed Finally, all pill supplies ex- With these new and enlightening an awareness of God. It’s been an these pills, and had him believing I hausted, all of my money gone from doors opening up to me, I was able education in thought, an unraveling needed larger and larger doses. buying on the black market, my to make the eventual decision to mystery in humanity, in living. Still walking in a fog, I found mind turned to a pill-taker’s second stop drinking, a day at a time – I wouldn’t give it up or trade it other sources for my pill habit. I deadly enemy – drinking. because I too was an alcoholic. And for anything. And the only one that discovered my father had a good But fortunately, there was a break with this came the only real free- can take it away from me- is me supply (though it only lasted a few in this story. At the last hospital I dom, the freedom of truth. -by taking that first drink. months). So-called friends helped went to ( I am still there) I have My sponsor used to say to me, 1 go to a lot of meetings to keep me out too. However, by the time as my doctor a person totally inter- “If I could only paint you a picture my thinking straight, to insure my these sources grew scarce, I had en- ested in alcoholism. I had not of how beautiful life can be without sobriety. I’m not fighting the desire tered a psychiatric hospital. There thought of myself as an alcoholic, booze. . .” I wanted so badly to see or craving for a drink anymore. I was seemingly litle chance of getting since I only got drunk once. But the picture as it was in her mind and just don’t want to drink. I go to hold of pills, but I became “edu- now I consider myself a potential, now I’m living it and trying to paint meetings because I like them. I en- cated.” yet not actual, alcoholic, and find it for others. joy the friendship and the bond that I stole prescription blanks upon myself involved with AA and other A whole new world has been makes this Fellowship indestruct- which I wrote my own orders for services which can help me. In AA opened up to me. Life as I never ible. Love. Here we are learning to pills. When at last everything I found one thing which has been a dreamed it existed. AA has become give of ourselves to help others; we failed, including my last mentioned big problem for me and is being a way of life and living for me, a are doing God’s work and I hope I “hobby,” I grew so desperate I solved by AA. This is a feeling of guide for my thinking and doing. It spend the rest of my life this way. took any type of pill I saw on the belonging. I want so very much to has brought about a revelation of L. K . , Seattle, Washington floor of the hospitals I was in, or belong somewhere; even though I even from trash cans, and any pill am not, I suppose, a full-fledged (cold capsule or anything) that alcoholic, I wish to be part of AA. read on its container “federal law I hope AA will accept me. A trouhled teenager says prohibits use,” etc. . . . L. M., Norristown. Pa.

I WANT TO Y name is Linda. Most speak- , ers at AA meetings start out, ” l’m an alcoholic.” I do not! Please Ict me explain: I was really disturbed and my life was upset. I decided to commit suicide. 1 was fifteen when I took my first barbituates. From then on 1 took to “liking” pills, my new escape. For quite some time I walked around half-drugged. I told my doc-

November 1966

power,” I said. “That’s my motto.” days, 1 bought the simple, “reason- Soon, 1 discovered many practi- able” reasons that nonalcoholics decal uses for my new talent. If 1 was mand: I had taken to drink because too upset by circular pondering on I worked in a high-pressure field, a hopeless romance to digest my because I was not married, belunch properly, one cocktail would cause I was not famous. Other ease the food down. If I had to days, 1 chased my wily subconscious bring work home and stay at the around corners to find classic, clintypewriter till two or three in the ically detailed reasons that might nlorning, it seemed sensible to al- satisfy this amateur analyst. Still ternate coffee and highballs in order other days, 1 came to a different to stay awakc but not jittery, alert verdict: “My problem must be that but not angry. If waiting for a I have no problems. My life was a promised phone call or an overdue movie scenario with a dull story letter became irksome. I could de- line; it needed some element of liberatcly blur any solitary evening conflict. But this much is ridicuor blot it out. If 1 had a weekend lous!”

Will Get You owh here toothache, Old-Fashioneds proved more effective and tasty than as- Avoiding life pirin tablets. I’ve never been chicken about Then 1 arrived at the strongest visiting the dentist, so the toothache of all reasons: I drank to escape W h y did she drink too much, and why did she stop? was not permanent. Neither were reality, the ugliest reality I had ever the cardiac fractures. On the job, I encountered, the reality of alco- “Seven years a w a y from a drink, I’m still not sure.” staged a polite rebellion, so the holic drinking. overtime work didn’t continue. . . . 1 would say to myself, “How do The drinking did. I get off this merry-go-round? How ND now let’s look at the next can I get out of this trap? If I.keep “A question.” The leader of the discussion meeting picked up a until about ten years later, in another environment, that I got around to acquiring skill through practice Drinking increased on like this, I will have to stop, but . . . Oh, the hell with it. I’ll have card and read this baffled wail: and became proud of my ability to In fact, it increased steadily. another drink.” I would examine “Why, oh why, am I an alcoholic?” put away plenty without feeling or That’s when 1 began asking myself, myself in the mirror of an evening The question was not mine, but its showing it. Pcople had been in- like the anonymous question-writer, and say, “You are a no-good drunk sentiment struck home; the days clined to take me for a strait-laced, “Why, oh why?” I’ve always con- and I do not wish to look at you. when it had obsessed me were not conventional type. I had been ag- sidered myself a very bright woman; 1 will knock you out cold.” long past. grieved by this case of mistaken at this point, I discovered that a It was a temporary K.O. that I Why did I take the first drink of identity, and I was sure that my creative intellect is ideal equipment had in mind. One day, I did glance my life? That’s easy. Why not? In public image was improved by my for the practicing, dedicated alco- out the window, down nine floors to my family, alcohol wasn’t sur- proficiency as a daintily two-fisted holic. It can produce such a splen- the street, and think, coolly, “That rounded with any atmosphere of drinker. “Always go home with did range of reasons, imaginative would be a quick way out. But I emotionalism, pro or con. It wasn’t dignity and u n d e r y o u r own and cogent, plain and fancy. Some don’t want to do it.” Since I as-

sumed that all alcoholics were from headquarters. Automation was would-be suicides, 1 was thoroughly being carried too far! Quickly I confused. I knew myself for a cock- said, “I-cannot-face-my-Iife-withouteyed optimist. Without any religious it.” beliefs, nevertheless 1 had always 1 was whispering (only nuts talk drifted along feeling protected, im- to themselves out loud) in a stilted mune to disaster. I was sure some- singsong that I can hear today: “I thing would happen to rescue me cannot-face-my-life-without-it.” It from this astonishing fix, magically, had become necessary to show who with no effort on my part. was boss around here, to announce It didn’t happen. And the day I firmly, “I drink because . . .” In the 1 but unfortunate circumstance or with all of my present problems. realized it was not going to happen, emergency, I had grabbed at the emotional imbalance had made me What about the alcoholic who I I called AA. During a couple of standard plea; everybody knows drink alcoholically, then what would does believe, sometimes justifiably, brief interludes of sobriety, I went that’s why all alcoholics drink. But, I happen if ever I got my life all that he must track down the true to a few meetings and focused my having earned my living as a critic, straightened out and my emotions all reason in order to satisfy his cunlistening on speakers who could I could recognize an awkwardly squared away? Obviously, I would osity or save his life? Whether he present good, solid reasons for their read, unconvincing line of dialogue begin thinking that I could drink seeks professional help or wants to drinking, for example, an unhappy when I heard one, though it was socially, and I didn’t want that hope play sleuth himself, surely this rechildhood. Compared with their op- whispered in my own voice. ticking away in the back of my search can be conducted with much I pressive backgrounds and grueling No wonder I hadn’t been able to mind like a time bomb set for some greater efficiency while the subject experiences, all my splendid rea- say the line with conviction. I didn’t unknown future date. is sober. Otherwise, how can cause I sons looked feeble and insignificant. believe a word of it. About six Accurate or not, the physical- and effect be unscrambled? As long I 1 concluded that I was in the clear! weeks later, it was reversed into disease answer was for me a serv- as the drunk is still at it, either Confidently, I picked up another the truth. The new idea was not iceable gimmick; it made accept- swilling or “nibbling,” how can any- “first” drink and later (too late) spoken aloud or whispered or even ance easier. I don’t remember just one tell whether he drinks because asked myself, “Why?” I could an- verbalized in thought. Something how long I clung to it, but a sober (for instance) he feels inadequate swer only, “I did it in cold blood.” far deeper than a humiliated intel- year or two must have passed be- -or feels inadequate because he One sunny afternoon on the lect sent up a wordless cry that fore another notable discussion drinks? verge of summer, I came home from meant: I cannot face my life with it. meeting, when the leader asked, Controlled experiments may be work not particularly blue, not par- “How many people in this room difficult or impossible in the field ticularly nervous, and promptly Surrender , are sure they know exactly why of human behavior, but in this case, went for the bottle, as usual. But they drank alcoholically?” There I should think, one move toward that solo cocktail hour turned out “This time I think you mean were about fifty AA members pres- the scientific approach would be to to be distinctly unusual. Along business,” my sponsor said when ent. Five or six raised their hands, subtract the alcohol from the situabout the third or fourth helping, she welcomed me back to AA. and the leader was not one of ation. Nobody would postpone cansuddenly I had the eerie impression Weary of complicated post-mor- them. Neither was I. Today, seven cer surgery on the ground that the that my brain was being completely tems, I settled for the notion that years away from a drink, I still am cause of cancer has not been isobypassed. My hands poured the I had an entirely physical disease. not sure. Some of my reasons seem lated. Alcoholic drinking, whatever drink and lifted it, my mouth I wanted no truck with logical or plausible, but sorting them over has its cause, is itself a malignant opened, my gullet swallowed, all in- psychological reasons, because they become merely a pastime for the growth. dependently, with no directives implied “reservations.” If nothing odd moment when I’m not dealing Anonymous, Manhattan, N . Y .

November 1966

to Her

FTER the death of my husband to talk with a man from AA. I was A I returned to work in social service as counselor to alcoholic sick and frightened and I agreed. The AA member was kind, and patients in a mental hospital. I genuinely worried about me, an abmade talks at Al-Anon meetings in solute stranger. He talked quietly the city and attended open meetings with me about future plans, cashed of AA. I went to work with hang- a check for me, drove me to the overs, but never for one minute did airport, ordered’ food and sat there I consciously line myself up with patiently while I somehow managed the people I was trying to help. to swallow it. They had reached rock bottom; I received from this one man they had lost families, income, what I had failed to get either from friends. I just sometimes managed my professional study of alcoholto overestimate my tolerance for ism or from the therapy groups alcohol. within the hospital, or former con- Some months ago I went to tacts with AA. another state to apply for a po- It has not been easy to apply to sition that I wanted very badly. En myself what I learned about alroute I started drinking when I coholism for use in counseling. most wanted to remain sober. I was “Sauce for the goose is sauce for firmly rejected and told the reason the gander” is a hard maxim. But why -because I was drunk. I re- I feel reborn, and I have this day, turned to the hotel in a strange and I have close, tangible, contact .town and a strange state and re- with a Higher Power. I know that sumed my favorite pastime. The with His help, I am now privileged hotel manager advised me to go to pass on to others a glimpse of home where I had family and the power and love I received befriends, but a compassionate hotel cause a complete stranger carried maid did what she could for me the message of AA to me. and then asked if I would be willing M . H., Little Rock, Ark.

December 1966

husband, children and home. I be- said very little at meetings, but I did ,” lieved that I didn’t need my husband listen more and more. Finally, my An alcoholic’s o w n story or anyone else, so down I went mind seemed to be clearing a little with the bottle, and me the willing and I began grasping the program, slave. Alcohol was my way out – becoming really interested. It was that is, until God took over. then that I began to seek a sponsor One day, years later, after night- and I found Christine. She said, mare had followed nightmare, after “Thank God, I thought you’d never many hurts, car wrecks, broken speak up, now I suppose you won’t bones -once even being left for shut up.” Christine gave precious dead, beaten for no reason, just time to me for the next two years, another person wanting money to maybe longer, I don’t keep track E VEN now, a few years later, I remember the words “cunning, baffling, powerful.” Every time I drink. That day I heard myself say, anymore, now it’s only one day at “Help me, I have hurt long enough; a time. walked into the clubroom, still sick take my hand and guide me.” I feel like an entirely different MY and in a fog, one AA member looked at me and repeated these AA came slowly to me. A sweet person in every respect, my bar woman I’ve never seen since, sat on friends no longer know me. And three words. Nothing made sense to the side of my bed. She told me her that’s good. Like the woman who me then; I was going through too story and I said very little. I noticed sat on my bed and talked to me, much – troubles of all kinds. Why? her hair, her nails looking so nice, I, now, often sit on the bed of an- It was my first year on the program her clothes, and that she did not other sick alcoholic and talk. Chris- NAME and I needed so desperately never to take another drink, yet it took me shake. She took time to talk and try tine and I go together and do our to calm me, saying that I’d get best to carry the message to prisons so long to become interested and to better if I wanted to. It was hard for and to other towns and states. want what everyone else had – me to believe that I would be up M,- who used to say to me, sobriety. Then suddenly I was not and around and look and act like “Cunning, baffling and powerful” just on the program, I was in it. her. never says it anymore. He just Things began to get better. Soon came the meetings; they smiles at me. I had hit a very low bottom; I made very little sense to me, but I My home is in Florida, where could think of nothing but whiskey. was not drinking. Everyone there I shall return for Christmas. My I ran to the bottle at any excuse was happy and laughing. When I little boy will be there with love, and came to depend entitely on listened to the lady speaker, I his arms opened wide. My oldest alcohol to solve’ all things. My trou- thought, “She never was as bad as I. son will join us. You see my work bles and problems were still with 1 could sure get up there and takes me through several states. me, only worse, and my health was tell them what hurt and sickness I have always been able to find wrecked to the point where I could really is. I’ll bet she never hurt the meetings in my travels until lately. no longer walk or even talk. I only way I did.” The lack of meetings bothers me; I ate when I was fed through my veins I smile now and thank God each can feel the difference. I am glad by a doctor. I drank to keep alive, day that I’ve found AA and have that I went regularly when I was but I was already dead. , this new and wonderful way of life. home in Florida. They warned me In those years I turned on my For more than a year and a half 1 at my home group that I might

not always be able to find a meeting I have writen some of my story. so I brought the AA books and the Today I am a very grateful Grapevine with me. In one Grape- mother of two wonderful sons. I vine it said that if you couldn’t find a laugh now and I can give instead of meeting and you needed one, try to want because I have received such help start a group. It also said that a full life of love. I have a special if you were interested in twelfth- love for those who are in that fog stepping 45,000 AAs at once, write and doubt through which I came to articles for the Grapevine. Right AA. away, I felt better and that is why Annabelle F., Kewanna, Ind.

December 1966

,:re; not as my fears and. doubts admit out loud that happiness was a paint you. Lord, I believe; Help farce. They were all just playing Thou my unbelief!” the part at the AA “Humble-Hour.” During that first year plus, I I’d always gone to seven or eight …God as we understand Him learned some self-control and self- meetings a week, and during the discipline; something I’d never next few weeks I let them all have learned before. Many of my char- it. I ventilated all the spiritual acter defects grew smaller. I lost doubts and turmoil; the fears and refifty pounds, and learned to laugh sentments at God. I got honest in again. I believe I became a more my own unusual way! And a strange interested and mature mother to my thing happened. six children; a companion and un- Many of the older members knew derstanding wife to my AA husband. exactly what I was going through I got an outside job for the first and told me what was happening time in eleven years. I grew emo- to me. They told me it was an im- I Hated the Thought of Surrender tionally and mentally. And unknown portant step in my spiritual growth to me, I was maturing spiritually! for I was beginning to think for At thirty-three I was tasting life in myself. I was becoming acquainted all its reality for the first time and with God as I understood Him – I was staying sober – me, whose not as my parents, pastor, brother, Grudgingly she submitted to w h a t couldn’t be helped. last drunk had lasted a year and a neighbor, husband or friends under- T h e n a curious change began in her half; who had been hospitalized for stood Him. Suddenly, I was quesdrug addiction after six weeks in tioning all of my childhood beliefs AA. It was a miracle! and faiths. Did I really believe these Maybe He cared things for myself? Life was not all roast beef and The house built on sand was gravy, but it was digestible. My crumbling and God was laying the

F OR over a year in AA I fulfilled the Third Step by submitting my life and my will to the care of your show anyway! You’re going to make it end up your way -so here I am. Show me what you want spiritual awakening was breaking foundation of my home on a rock. through. Maybe God had a heart Rreaking through ritual after all! Maybe He did care about A few weeks later during my God, as I understood Him. me to do and I’ll try my damnedest insignificant me! evening meditations, which were us- It was a fighting year! Fears were to do it. If I can’t do what You ask But the doubts lashed over my ually uncomfortable, I abandoned still my most frequent companions. of me, well, just remember I’m only mind and soul again and again, mak- the old pattern of ritual and instead, Doubts battered my thoughtful mo- human!” That was my “surrender” ing me cringe and tremble, fight and on my knees, poured out my heart ments. Turmoil boiled inside the prayer most of the time. rebel intermittently. Finally, at one to God. I wanted to trust Him to cheerful exterior. But there were fleeting moments AA discussion meeting I dropped take care of my children, my hus- Prayers were an uncomfortable of faith and a desire to love. “Oh, ‘ the smiling facade and called them band and myself for now and eterritual with me. I feared not to pray God, teach me to love you. Enable ‘ all a bunch of Pollyannas. I wasn’t nity. I knew there’d never be peace and was rebellious when I did. me to place my life, my heart, my happy or peaceful inside and was or freedom for me without that With clenched teeth I was saying mind and my will, into your care. sick of using self-hypnosis. I didn’t faith. to the strict God I feared, “OK! It’s Help me to know You as You really want to drink but I finally had to Sometime during that long night

I knew I’d been stubbornly sub- mitting to a superior force, I let go mitting niy life and will to God. I’d of the old fears and rebellion learned well the rules of niy new and voluntarily surrendered myself, life over the previous year, but I’d body, mind and soul, to a loving been a fearful student, terribly God. frightened of the Master! There is one tremendous differ- Yet, strangely, I’d totally sur- ence for me between submit and rendered my alcoholic problem to a surrender: When I submitted to “different” God. The God who took God I was still festering inside with my drinking problem was a loving, ideas of how I wanted my life to be merciful and understanding God, for and the events that should take He’d given me freedom from the place. I was still first. But I was compulsion to drink. a prisoner of me. Needless to say, I didn’t believe Yes, there’s still a superior force in several Gods. For me there was in my life, but now it is a gentle, only one God! So it had to be me sympathetic and loving God. He who was out of focus. doesn’t crack a whip or demand What, I asked myself. was the real anything of me. I gratefully and difference between submit and lovingly givc all that I am and have surrender? In Webster’s Now World to Him. I’ve learned that if 1 give Dictionary I found: to submit is to these gifts to Him grudgingly, then give in to authority or superior force they’re of no value. Only a gift (to submit to a conqueror); and, given in love and gratitude is blessed surrender conimonly implies the giv- to the giver and precious to the ing up of something completely after receiver. striving to keep it. At last, I’m acquainted with free- After more than a year of sub- dom and peace. F. B., Orchtrrd Lake, Mich.

January 1967

alcoholic’s own story

M Y NAME IS

ANNIE

M Y name is Annie and I am an alcoholic. With twenty-two years of hard practice I drank my- Now my twenty-third wedding anniversary is approaching. I have reason tq believe that, this will be a self into a state almost beyond re- lot d 8 e r e n t . J have found a way covery. Everything I touched and out. I have found something that everyone I knew seemed to suffer helps solve my problems as a drink from my drinking. I had completely never did. I have found friends such given up hope of ever gaining any as I never knew existed, and most self-respect and being able to be a of all, I have found a loving God wife and mother again. I had come and peace of mind through AA. to be looked upon by my family as Along with sobriety I have the a drunk who dropped in now and tools I need to rebuild my life. I then to sleep it off and give a few truly believe that I have only started orders as to how things should be on the foundation. I have, a lot of done. building yet to do, but with the One incident that stands out in Master Carpenter at my side I know my mind very clearly is when my I have a chance. children and husband decided to I like to feel that I am more than have a twentieth wedding anniver- one drink from a drunk. I like to sary dinner as a surprise for me. feel that I am Twelve Steps from But I guess it wasn’t too much of a that first drink. Twelve Steps that I surprise to them when I didn’t show work on every day to the best of my up for the dinner but was found ability -forever grateful to God hours later at a very disreputable and AA. bar, soused to the core! A . R., Hammond, Ind.

J a n u a r y 1967 Fhst and the Second, can be taken I realize 1 am one of the more without action. We have to work fortunate ones, and can show conhard in order to change ourselves, crete evidence of the benefits of soand we have to learn to grow out- briety in terms of my own life. I side AA as well as inside it. We believe that without AA I would can close ourselves up behind four certainly be dead. Instead I have a walls and emerge only for AA ac- home and family, my health and tivities and remain sober, but I don’t sanity and, greatest of all, sobriety. think we can achieve happiness that I know that I am fortunate in being DON’T HIDE IN AA way. able to enjoy life because I have s 1 may offend some good AA lot of physical energy. In terms of members by my next statement, but my own sobriety I find that to sit I do feel that some of us in AA around doing nothing for too long A m e m b e r asks: Isn’t it A A J s job t o r e t u r n u s think we have achieved Nirvana by is bad for me. I need a certain getting sober, and that this is an amount of time for quietness and t o n o r m a l living, n o t furnish a substitute for it? end in itself. They may go on for meditation, but in general I have several years giving lip service to to be up and doing; this is my nathe program and not reap its full ture. The restlessness that while 1 benefits because they are still afraid was drinking was nothing more than ROUND our AA program we gen- a destructive drive, can now, A erally hear, “Keep active in AA and it will help you to remain all areas is essential for his wellbeing. People in AA aren’t the only ones who can benefit from our soto rejoin the human race and go out and face reality – that is, lead a normal, productive life. through sobriety, be channeled in constructive areas, and the same sober.” What about our activity on briety, and the world, as I see it, We are told very often, especial- energy be applied for good, not evil. the outside, in our daily lives? I now that I have been sober nearly ly by old-timers in the program, Action to the newcomer may have seen AA members whose en- three years, is a wonderful place “Utilize, don’t analyze.” I think mean just taking a walk when he tire personal activity seems to be filled with wonderful things to do. this, to me, means living my life the gets the jitters. Even reading can be centered on AA to the exclusion of I, for one, can’t find the time to way God meant me to live it and a form of activity – at least we are everything else. I may be wrong, accomplish all the things I want to not the way I was living it while I thinking of something besides ourbut I do feel that this is a form of do each day. was drinking. .I had lost my hus- selves while we are doing it. Keephiding, something like what we did A word of warning here, too. band and was in danger of losing my ing busy, no matter how, is a good when we hid behind the bottle, and Don’t overstep yourself. Activity, three lovely young children and my way to avoid self-pity. We can find just another escape from reality. It like all of man’s pursuits, should be sanity and finally my life, through new interests, new scope for our is actually using AA as a crutch. done with moderation. Over-reach- the use and abuse of alcohol. With returning enthusiasm for life (which Of course for those who have ing ourselves may lead to over-tired- the help of my sponsor, good AA may seem a long time in coming little or nothing else to focus their ness, to fatigue, to rotten thinking, friends and the Twelve Steps of our but it does return). lives on, AA must be the pivot of to drinking; it’s as easy as that. program I have been able to stay Hard work never killed anyone, is their existence in order to keep them Inactivity, to me, is a form of sober, one day at a time, for nearly an old maxim, and a true one, but sober. But for the average AA death, and I see AA as a program three years, and today am fortunate apathy can stunt and warp the mind. member, who has a job, a family, of action. I came into AA in order in having not only my children, but And what did we get sober for if not good health, and is, of course, so- to live, and everything that lives my husband (who is now also in to live and enjoy life? AA gives us ber, it .seems to me that activity in grows. None of the Steps, except the AA) again with me. the tools to do this. In our Twelve

Steps we have a blueprint for living. get rid of a resentment or anger that I read things into them which I way. My husband calls me a comcould not do in my first year of so- pulsive housewife. In my drinking briety. I am learning to work them days I used to argue and resent this, to the best of my ability, and I see but now I just smile because I know, constant changes in myself and my (and I know he knows too) that attitudes and in this way I know I for me this form of activity is essenam growing. tial to my well-being. We all have But most of all I think we should our own gimmicks to hang onto, try to get with it, get back into the and this is one of mine. swing of life. We all belong to so- So to all AAs, newcomers and ciety and we each have our role. If oldsters alike, I say again, keep we don’t like the role we have, we busy. Rejoin the world, and find it must try, if we can, to change it. again the exciting place it can be Our Serenity Prayer in which we when we are not viewing it through ask for the courage to change the the distortion of an upended bottle. things we can, is therefore, in part, And don’t use AA as a crutch. a prayer of action. Nothing will Come out from behind that shell change for us if we don’t give a and give a little to the outside world helping hand. Neither God nor AA and you will get back a lot in return. can help us if we are not open to Use the wonderful AA program in help. all areas of your life. Take heart; There are many physical and live your lives to the utmost now mental outlets for our pent-up en- that you are sober. Isn’t this our ergies. Don’t let them atrophy, or I way of giving thanks to God and believe the precious gift of sobriety AA for the wonderful gift of sobriwill turn back on itself and decay. ety? Use your sobriety, don’t abuse In my own case I know that doing it with inaction both in and out of my housework was a form of thera- AA. To me, an active sobriety is a py in the first days of sobriety. I happy sobriety, within the reach of still use it to work off pent-up emo- us all. tions and sometimes can actually Bobbie C., Forest Hills,N . Y .

March 1967

I

An alcoholic’s own story I lived on an island and one night drinking. I kept a bottle by my bed I was bringing home a load of to put me back to sleep after one manure, driving back to the boat of the nightmares I was havingdocks where I, the truck and my horrible nightmares about everyone load of manure would be trans- I loved-my children, who long ago ported by ferry boat back to the is- had been taken from my custody, land. I was very drunk on the wine dying horrible screaming bloody I had been drinking all day and my deaths. I would wake up screaming head hurt from the awful pressure and the pressure on my head grew that had been building up in it and grew until it felt like I could whenever I drank. In one of my last not raise my head for the tons of lucid moments I thought, “Is this weight there. what my mother sent me to college I decided there was only one for – to pilot a manure barge?” answer – I would die. Being a The thought of what I was made coward and having heard that death me so sick to my stomach I had to by drowning was pleasant, I decided have a drink, and I remembered the to swim to oblivion. I did not look six-pack of beer I had stashed away on it as a suicide attempt – this in the back of the truck, somewhere was my death on the cross, my treatments had erased the night- amid the manure. I climbed up into burning at the stake. The world had mares but had left me in a near the truck bed and found the beer, done this to me and I was taking catatonic state, feeling nothing, slightly warm by now, but alcohol all the sufferings of the world on PAULINE knowing nothing – no memory, no plans, nothing. nonetheless, and with it in my hand I leaped down from the truck, my back (or on my head the way it felt). I had a Joan of Arc complex The road to this hell had been catching my free hand on a rusty that was part of my insanity and I long and rocky. It started in Ohio, nail and ripping it wide open. I was really heard voices leading me on,

J U N E 26, 1966. .Tonight is my AA birthday – I am five years old; my group baked me a cake with five accelerated in Alaska, snowballed downward nearly ending in death by suicide in Las Vegas, then progseveral miles in the country and I drove into town to the docks and from there was taken to the hosstep by step. With decision .came relief, the pressures in my head vanished, I became light as a feather candles on it and sang “Happy ressed rapidly down in Florida and pital, bleeding and stinking, where all 180 pounds of beer-drinking, Birthday.” back up again in Ohio where T several stitches were taken. wine-drinking me. I floated on air, I Five years ago I had reached the ended in the mental institution. Looking back I know now it was walked on water or tried to, but I end of the line – I was dead for In three years I had traveled the another one of those miracles that sank so I took off all my clothes all practical purposes. I was still route from respectable housewife kept me from death before my time. and beatifically swam out to meet breathing though; my eyes moved a and mother in Ohio, active in civic The next day I decided to do my master. A kindly fisherman little and I got in line to eat when affairs and church activities, to a something about my drinking – not plucked me out of the water, took the attendant aimed me in the right wanton, promiscuous, play-girl lush, stop – I knew I could not do that. me back to shore, naked and shiverdirection. Sometimes I put food in and at the end I was a drunken Every time I tried, I would get the ing as I was, wrapped a blanket my mouth; sometimes I didn’t but truck driver, hauling wine and shakes and my head would throb around me and told me to go home. would stare sightlessly ahead. I was manure (not in the same truck) for so badly that-the only way to make I did go home but only long a patient in a mental hospital. Shock the winery where I worked. the misery go away was to keep enough to get dressed, pack my I

of that day, oblivion was complete. That was five years ago. Thanks My mother had me committed to to the Grace of God and the loving the state mental hospital and I went hands of those .who cared and who there in a trance-like state and re- guided me all the way, I have not membered nothing more until after had a drink since that first meeting. several shock treatments. God removed all desire to drink on The shock brought me back to a that day and this was surely a mircertain reality but had not given me acle. the desire to live. The very thought These five years have not been of going back into the outside world easy. I was seriously, almost fatally would send me into a trance-like emotionally ill and suffered severe, state of fear. Then my lovely lady depressions for many months after psychiatrist said I was to go to AA I was out in the world again. The meetings. I said, “No” -she said, hospital had told me I would be “Yes,” and I went to my first AA back if I gave up my tranquilizers suitcase with heavy things to help on me I smiled, for now my mission meeting accompanied by an attend- but with the help of AA and the me sink. I walked down to the docks was accomplished -Joan of Arc’s ant. courage I found there I gave them and got on the ferry. ( I was well jailers tied her to a stake. Mine Some say AA won’t work if up and I have not been backknown on the island and my handcuffed me and led me off to my you’re forced into it – I say “bal- thanks to God. drunken escapades had given the fate and I smiled benignly on my oney.” Had I been released into the I have stuck close to AA; I go to islanders many laughs.) captors and the crowds who had world without a knowledge of AA many, many meetings; I have a About halfway out I jumped gathered. I would be dead today. 1 know that wonderful sponsor whose underoverboard, suitcase and all, and pre- I was handcuffed to the plane, as surely as I sit here tonight. standing and patience are those of a pared again to meet my master – flown over to the mainland and I went to my first meeting, dull saint. My children have been rethis time I was lassooed by the there handcuffed to a heavy steel and lifeless, unhearing, unseeing, stored to me. My mother has seen Coast Guard. table outside the waiting room of but the mitacle of life occurred – me sober and well and making my It was Regatta time and hundreds the airport and left in the hot sun God’s hand reached out and touched way in the world again. I have of small boats gathered around to for what seemed like hours. me, my ears opened; my eyes learned to laugh again (this took a watch the drama. The Coast Guard All this I remember as vividly as opened; I saw beautiful people, I year but it happened). I have a fine. hauled me over the side of their though it were yesterday. I’m sure heard beautiful words of love – I responsible well-paying job and I ship, draped me over the bow to dry God gives me this memory of what saw compassion and understanding. am continuing my education to betout. I looked up, saw the flag wav- happened so I will never forget I looked at myself. I saw a fat, ter myself. I have also rejoined my ing over me, sat up, took it down where alcohol took me. Finally a slovenly, shapeless blob. 1 felt church and I realize each day what and draped it around me ( I was al- dark-haired woman came and tried shame at my appearance; for the a long way God and AA have ways very patriotic) and when we to take me away. It was my mother first time I felt emotion. I cried the brought me from that night when I came into land I was Joan of Arc and I did not know her – she wept first tears I had shed since they took tore my hand open jumping off the in a flag and was singing The Star as they led her away. You mothers, my children away. manure truck. Spangled Banner. My mind was imagine what it would be like to see Pauline S., Miami, Flu. beautifully clear now – I was all your daughter as I was -and the heroines of history wrapped up alcohol did it. Then darkness dein one. When they put the handcuffs scended and I had no more memory

April 1967 days what agonizing ego-deflation I cated to the improvement of man- An alcoholic’s own story was headed for late;. – kind. My paternal grandfather Probably a potential alcoholic taught Greek, Latin and Hebrew in from childhood, I had two neurotic a boy’s college. My maternal grandparents. I was born when my mother father was extremely active and imwas forty-five and was often re- portant in YMCA work in Philadel- M y Name Is ‘ minded that she didn’t want or ex- phia for many years. He worked pect “the last one.” As there were under John Wanamaker, well-known five of us kids, I always wore made- leader in that field. They were close DOROTHY over, faded dresses. Unwanted, un- pals. interesting, unsocial -these are my My paternal grandmother spent early memories of me. Desirable, much of her life working for the brilliant, beautiful -these qualities Women’s Christian Temperance I got only in fantasy, and I got them Union, and was an officer of it in easily from alcohol. Escaping from Philadelphia for twenty years. I I T took me a long time to get to AA because I didn’t understand about alcoholism being a disease myself a hopeless, helpless, drunken bum during that terror-filled last year, the one just before AA. Now a dreary life into a rosy glow, well, that was just the beginning. signed several pledges saying I’d never touch alcohol. (Poor Grandthat can affect the life of almost I proudly say, “I’m a recovering Before I ever worked on Step ma!) anyone. I had the wrong picture of alcoholic.” Four, I used to say, “I had to take So you see, I’m lousy with rewhat an alcoholic is. I remember the night I took my that bar job where I became a prob- spectable and cultured ancestors. I never drank any canned heat first shot of straight whiskey. I was lem drinker. It was the late thirties, I’m the black sheep, the only alco- (pink ladies), shellac, bay rum or working in a bar and had been drink- the worst depression years. I couldn’t holic that hatched out of this fancy get any other job.” set-up. The disease can occur in even a bottle of vanilla extract. I ing a weak highball or two every drank fairly good liquor for around evening. But there came a time when Actually I loved the life around any family, as can cancer, diabetes twenty-five years. I never slept in I was real busy and a man insisted bars. The variety of acquaintances, or measles. alleys, behind signboards or in on treating me. I took a straight the air of gaiety, the drinks -it all In 1944 I was working in a dress freight cars. My skid row was right shot, gulped it down, and suddenly suited me fine. I had a fairly good factory, making uniforms for the on my own kitchen floor where I I had a temporary personality education and could have done of- WACS and feeling very patriotic. lay drunk, bruised, near death, until change. I became bright, friendly, fice work, selling, many other things; By that time alcohol was important a state trooper came in and got me outgoing. The beautiful warm glow but I chose bars. When they tried to to my comfort and I had to carry a to the hospital. That was the day I in my heart made me love every- make a bartender out of me, the small bottle of whiskey in my handhit bottom. Everything I valued in body. This liveliness, this loving- disease of alcoholism really flour- bag so that my blood never became my life was gone -health, loved ness, this laughter -this is what ished. I had access to bottles galore. quite free of the stuff. People in AA ones, self-respect. I’d been looking for all my life. No L Still I hadn’t lost all sanity in those often ask, “Were you a daily drinker, The same uncontrollable craving longer the shy misfit I’d felt like so days. I got home safely and can or a periodic drunk?” I was both. for alcohol that has wrecked the often (the poor self-conscious girl recall few incidents. During my worst drunks, however, lives of countless derelicts was also who blushed and came close to stut- If you have much interest in he- I was loved and protected by a my craving, although I did my worst tering), I was now the life of the redity, you might not have picked patient and long-suffering husband, drinking at home, in a comfortable, party. I was expansive and import- me as a candidate for habitual so I never made the jails. food-stocked house. I often called ant. Little did I know in those early drunkenhess. My ancestors were I did make the hospitals -four mostly professional people, dedi- times. I was carried out -on a

stretcher close to death, fed through At my first AA meeting I found the veins and all that routine. The out that I was suffering from a disdoctor said I had cirrhosis of the ease -alcoholism. I wasn’t a mean liver and couldn’t live more than person, a monster who inflicted pain six months if I didn’t stop drinking on those I loved. I was a sick perat once. I couldn’t stop. I didn’t son, and I could recover. have AA at that time -not until What a load this took off my January of 1962. heart! What hope I suddenly felt. When I finally got to an AA meet- Those first three Steps were easy ing I was desperately sick, physic- for me because I was completely ally, mentally and spiritually. For beaten down (by myself and by the quite a few years I had not been disease), and so I surrendered to employable. For one entire year I my Higher Power at once. A week had lived alone; all those closest later I returned to work, rejoined and dearest to me had passed on. I the human race. didn’t want to live any more. I Today I haven’t found it necessary thought of nothing but alcohol and to take a drink. In fact, since the suicide. first AA meeting it’s been like this every day. Tomorrow, if I continue to practice AA principles, I believe I’ll be even healthier, happier and more useful in this wonderful way of life. D. C., Los Angeles, Calif.

April 1967

had a drink since. But, for a person that they didn’t think I was ready to who likes to be “different,” who is make talks (in spite of what the much more intelligent than most of Louisville people thought!). That’s her peers, who is superior in every how much they knew! way, I managed to make the same Finally a really dear “war horse,” mistakes in the same way as most as I like to call her, listened to my new AA members. tale of woe for about as long as she The first six months were typically could take it, pointed her finger at “cloud nine,” though I do recall me and said, “Young lady, you’re . wondering why, since I was sober, headed for a drunk.” That snapped the little elves didn’t come and clean me out of one phase of sobriety only my awful house. The only thing I to land me into another. THOSE ever did was iron. A man called “Red-headed Gene” finally said to I became “Mrs. AA” and practically drove one poor girl into her me, “Janet, smoke one cigarette, grave – or the nearest bar -with

GROWING have six lovely, healthy, relatively intelligent children. Considering that drink one cup of coffee, think about my meddling. This stage was ended one job, then get up and do it. Then gently but abruptly by a man who repeat the process. If you smoke convinced me that I might possibly I was a practicing alcoholic, full of twenty cigarettes you’ll have done be somewhat in error. I cried a little, fear, self-pity, resentment, feelings twenty jobs.” That was my first bare blew my nose and proceeded to my of superiority, and so forth, I’d say comprehension of one thing at a time next chapter. we were as happy as could be under – learning to live one day at a time. I told a dear relative that she was the circumstances. After six months’ sobriety we alcoholic, a sad mistake that taught But, after years and years of moved from Louisville to Grand me I don’t know who is and who thinking, “Tomorrow will be better” Rapids, Michigan, where I fell off isn’t an alcoholic. Later another

I ‘LL never forget sitting in the doctor’s office, pregnant with one of my many offspring, being lectured -L’Tomorrow my ship will come in” – tomorrow – tomorrow – tomorrow -one day it occurred to the cloud with a thundering crash. member of AA told me that God And, of course, this wouldn’t have usually gives us at least one person happened had we stayed in Louis- to practice on. for being overweight. I commented me that tomorrow would not be ville where there was good AA. I Then came the one that still that I drank beer, which was fatten- better. If anything, it would be remember writing to an AA friend amuses me and yet makes me furious ing. The doctor leaned back in his worse and this nightmare would in New York telling her that any- with myself. The time had come for chair, smiled and said, “Do you never end. There was no hope for, one who could stay sober in Grand me to “accept my responsibilities.” drink beer when you iron?” me until I came to that realization, Rapids could stay sober anyplace! I informed my husband that from I said, “Yes, how did you know?” which might be described as a “spir- In the first place, when I made now on I would take care of the He replied that most of his women itual awakening.” At least I like to my grand entrance at the Grand children, do my housework, pay the patients who drank beer did so think it was. At any rate; it shoved Rapids Alano Club and said, “Here bills, do the yard work and shopping when they ironed. From that time I me into the first glimmering of re- I am!,” they all said, “That’s nice,” and even his job if he wanted me to. ironed all the time. ality I’d ever experienced. and that was that. No one appreci- Then, not a week later, I told him My adult mamed life has been Then began the battle. I contacted ated me; no one knew or cared that he expected too much of me! quite happy. My husband has been AA in Louisville, Kentucky more I made a smashing talk. In fact, It seems that almost everyone in a loving, good companion, and we than three years ago, and haven’t some people went so far as to say AA whose spouse drinks at all comes

to the conclusion that he or she is slowly. I began to learn that happian alcoholic. Well, I hit that one ness truly does come from within, too. A frustrating (but, fortunately, from giving, from learning just a short) episode. little how to love. I learned that God Finally, after all this, I found a is love. It became clear that it isn’t sponsor. Thank goodness! If I important to be noticed, to be a hadn’t, I’m sure someone would good speaker, to be intelligent or have been driven to distraction – beautiful. There is nothing wrong myself or Grand Rapids AA. My with these things -they just aren’t sponsor is a perfectly lovely woman, important. God doesn’t expect much has been sober a number of years, of us and I am learning that it’s and has many qualities I hope to rather foolish of me to expect more acquire. of myself than I have to give. It took From that time on I began learn- a long time to become what I was, ing to be quieter, became willing to and it will take a long time to belisten a little more. I learned to wait, come what I hope to be. not only for others to come to me And, I can only do it one day at for help, but for me to progress a time! Janet V., Blantyre, Malawi

May 1967

were dead.” He quickly explained obtained for their meeting and he that when he last saw me I had been was most warmly received. deteriorating so rapidly that it Fortunately our group had a Go would have been physically impos- telephone answering service because sible to continue for long. He told very soon calls began to come in, as Tell It me that he had been fully aware of patients were referred by the docmy excessive drinking but had fig- tors. We were practically inundated ured that if he tried to talk to me with Twelfth Step calls. As some of to the about it I would have been scared these materialized into sober happy off and as long as I still called on AA members, the enthusiasm of the Doctor him he could try to take care of local doctors increased. me. Then he wanted to know what One of these doctors told his had happened to make the great clergyman the story – and gave change and improvement that he him the phone number of the could easily see. answering service. Next thing we With great pleasure I told him knew the process was being re- The doctor thought she ought to be dead how I had found AA and learned peated with the clergyman. to live without drinking. Dr. S. was Results? Our group has grown and was curious to know why she wasn’t fascinated by the whole story and and two new groups have formed delighted with the obvious results. from it. AA has become a vital Although he had heard of AA this and well-understood community rewas his first contact with a member source for alcoholism. At our reand he asked many questions. cent group anniversary meeting fifteen doctors and nine clergymen W HEN I arrived in AA, sick, shaky and defeated, I was positively smoldering with resentment attitude was “I’m not going to tell you anything. You’re the doctor with the fine education and you can It happened that Dr. S. was an active member of the County Medical Society. He asked if I could get attended. Most important of all some of our neighbors have found at doctors. In my opinion they were just find out what’s wrong with me an AA member to speak at one of sobriety in AA and joined us in this a stupid, incompetent lot whose only for yourself.” This was a most in- their meetings. An AA speaker was wonderful way of life. mission in life was to take your solent attitude -but actually I was M. Mc F., Millburn,’N. I . money. so very afraid he would discover the This thinking was brought about extent of my drinking and try to because during my last very bad make me stop. Then how could I drinking years I had visited or called exist? a doctor many times. Always I had When the day came that I knew I been treated kindly and courteously could no longer live with alcohol -but never helped. As a matter of and didn’t know how to live without fact I received just what any middle- it, I called AA. aged female hypochondriac de- Some five years later I had occaserved. Not once was it suggested sion to visit this doctor again. When that I stop drinking – and not once I walked into his office his first was I honest about my problem. My words to me were: “I thought you

May 1967

On Wednesday morning, I was to send me back to you. Others I T was only a few weeks after my first AA meeting that you told me if I would breathe a little prayer awakened by the rude jangle of the telephone – a wrong number. Minutes later in the bathroom, I learned never get back. 1 did. Back to the meetings – those warm, magically inspiring meetings. Back to the first thing in the morning asking that “someone” (1) had left the hot morning prayer. God to give me just this day without This time I risked no spasmodic alcohol that that’s the way it would water faucet open just a dribble, and there was no hot water! Splash- application. Knowing how easily I be. I had heard many of you say can be side-tracked by an early that you attributed your sobriety to ing cold water and swearing roundly, there were no thoughts of a morning phone call, or some similar this simple practice; but, you see, I disruption of my routine, I tied a had also heard stories about DTs, prayer that morning. It was the pealing of the church bells on Sun- piece of colorful yarn on my toothconvulsions and jails, and since day that reminded me again. brush. My first act of the new day is none of these horrors related to me, brushing my teeth, and the yam Toothbrush I didn’t identify with the prayer This erratic program, coupled with frequent AA meetings, got me reminded me that I must not get ‘

angle either. I had to be told. through about three months of dry- into the busy-ness of my day without I climbed into the alcohol squirrel ness. Then, during one of the first petitioning my God for this day cage at age fourteen and emerged, “misses,” when some acquaintances without any desire for alcohol. I battered and bruised, at age forty; were drinking the liquor they had have never been tempted to take a that gave me some twenty-six years She forgot . . . to fog up my brain. Perhaps it is brought into my home, one made drink since. the astute observation that it would But I had had to be told. understandable that I had to be told and soon got seem their hostess could take just “Repetition strengthens; habit what to do. I marvel when I see one drink with them to be sociable. confirms; and faith follows naturalnewcomers latch on to this program After all, one didn’t have to drink ly,” someone has said. No longer is drunk. through simple identification with , the town dry- just be sociable. my toothbrush adorned with a piece the successful ones. When you told Completely overlooking the fact that of yarn; 1,735 mornings of remem- She decided me what you did, my reaction was I had been quite sociable for three bering have set the mold of beone of, “Oh, really? How nice.” months without a drink, I said, havior. to remember Never dreaming that you were subt- “Why, of course. That makes sense. This is not to say that my sobriety ly suggesting I do the same thing. I will have just one with you.” Fa- has been maintained solely through So, about the morning prayer. at all costs. After you told me this, point-blank, mous last words. practicing a morning prayer; but it All of you know the next sorry did serve as the impetus I needed to I decided to give it a go. What did I chapter of this narrative. Back on initiate the Twelve Steps and to put have to lose? Foregoing an audience the treadmill. Back to remorse and our Slogans into a living philosophy. cramped my elocutionary style self-loathing. Back to mortification, Alcoholics Anonymous is a felsomewhat, but unappreciated and alone on Monday morning, I went hangovers, blackouts and that over- lowship of men and women who all misery peculiar to our disease. share. Thank you for letting me into what developed to be my hitor-miss routine. Sure enough. Just Yet, I was a fortunate one. It took share with you. like you said I would, I had a won- only three months of this living hell N. G., ~ b i l e n e ,Texas derful day. The impression was a lasting one. It lasted through Tuesday – another good day.

June 1.967

We talked for two or three hours. (I’d rather buy a bottle than take An alcoholic’s own story I T was a sunny day when I flipped that coin. A day that was to change my whole life and my whole I’d lost all track of time. I told my whole story. I was thirty-five; I’d any more amphetamine pills. They fray your nerves and you feel just way of thinking. I couldn’t have been drinking for twenty years! A like you’re ready to jump out of cared less if the sun shone and little slow drinker at the beginning, a your skin. Then comes the drink to white angels flowed all over the bedroom drunk at the end. I ended bring you back down. You try and place! I was hung over -bad! I up in the bedroom after my children cool it, as my older son would say.) needed a drink. Somehow I put the had asked me to go there and stay. Well I came to the end, telling checkbook in order – $30.00 to I shamed them in front of their my story to my new sponsor -and NAME last for two weeks’ food. Yet I’d ( friends. I was unhappy. That was then. done it before and effortlessly! But So I lay in bed with my six pack Now, after meetings and with her where would the booze come from? or my martini and talked to my sticking beside me, getting me dry How could I cut the corners and in- radio. Even the dog walked out on one day at a time, I ask myself this clude the booze too? There was me. Somehow I would drag through question. How come God gave me home brew but that took two weeks supper but the family was much the best family a woman could ever at least to process. I needed, help. happier if I’d go lie down. have and then turned around and My husband came hode for When I became so darned fat loaned me the best sponsor in AA? lunch and gave me the answer. Call from drinking and eating, there was That was my introduction to the AA. I flipped a coin. . . . dexedrine! I’d crash diet. It’s a program. I’m still new and still I dialed with no little difficulty. funny thing that not only did those reading the Big Book. My mind An answering service told me to pills make me work like a horse changes from day to day along with leave my first name and number but I’d end up drinking like one! my whole way of thinking. God and a friend would call me back. Little did I know it was just a Bless You, Betty, and all of yours. She did. A cool voice talked to me stepping stone away from the self- Come to think of it, isn’t it a and asked me to come over to her destruction of the bottle. beautiful day? A nonymous house that evening and meet the family, not knowing me from Eve. I was simply a human being in need of a friend, the only qualification needed. My storehouse of tears poured forth. I wept for everyone I knew and then for a dog I’d lost when I was twelve; then for myself. I was alcoholic. I went to her house that evening and was greeted at the door by a very successful-looking woman and met her very successful-looking husband. I said, “My you’ve a nice house.” She said, laughingly that AA had paid for it. Was I curious!

June 1967 – . -.- –asked, quite firmly, to see a doctor. the group. I was sober, yes, but not I was told, “She’ll be around later.” by my own choice. I felt bitter and Luckily, “she” .was standing in the resentful. I could feel those state doorway of the lab and accom- numbers as though they were visibly panied me back to my polar cham- stamped upon my shoulders. ber. I was thankful, at least, to see My economic situation was a “top brass” and very earnestly asked great struggle. It was hard to s u p where I was. Her very tolerant reply port my family solely on my limited was, “You are in a reform school.” income. I contacted my ex-husband Thus began my first experience whom I had previously divorced. at the Connecticut State Home for He wanted no part of any further Women at Niantic. By drinking to legal action, so he promptly proescape despair, I had lost my right duced a check for us. I paid the rent – to freedom for three years. As this with this, only to have the landlord was my first offense for drinking in return it for insufficient funds. ‘Torn for Twenty Years9 Connecticut, I was given only a A new landlord appeared who It took three trips to a “state farm” and untold six-month term. meant business. He would not wait I knew that AA had contact with for his rent. Forced to move, we had anguish before she would surrender state institutions. How I could reach to leave newly acquired friends, give it, I didn’t know. I asked. On leav- up our church and choir activity,

I cot. AWOKE one morning, ten years shaft, but I was compelled to wait ago, to find myself on a hospital silently. If this was a hospital, surely I would see a doctor soon? ing the infirmary to begin a working assignment, I found I had the privilege of attending AA meetings and settle in a housing project across town, where my children were miserable. I did not know I tried to retrace my thoughts. I In about an hour, I was con- three times a month, and I was where to turn. I soon turned all right had been drinking the previous day. fronted by an Amazon not unlike grateful. -straight to a nightly bottle. This I had felt very lonely because my myself in form, only she was well- I returned, in six months, cha- brought harsh words of reprimand children, aged ten and three, had molded into white starch and a grined, but in no way chastened, to from my mother. She was so agisent no valentines from the foster black-striped nurse’s cap. She told a busy town on the Eastern sea- tated that she had to go to the home into which they had been me to come with her. board where I soon found work. hospital. forcibly placed. The judge had said I followed her down a dark laby- Slowly, but with the determina- Again, due to my satanic drink- I was found guilty of breach of the rinth of corridors to a laboratory. tion that comes with a woman’s ing, my children were removed from peace. Therefore I had had to move She said I was to have a blood test. fortieth year, I regained my beloved me, and I was soon on a new comout of my apartment very rapidly Hoping the alcohol within my sys- family. I was able to get my children mitment back to the state farm. and with a .great deal of informal tem would discourage any lab work, back. My mother had recovered Upon returning to Niantic, I be- ‘ assistance. I was told that I had I presented my chilled finger. She from a nervous breakdown suffi- came very active in AA. I had the to go away for a “few” months. gaye me the laugh of Dracula and ciently to help me with them. I had, privilege of getting to know the AA (Judges can be cryptic at times.) I asked me what I wgs going to at last, my own home again. adviser at the farm, and of being was led into a building which, at do with that! She started massaging I kept my parole for the required able to seek her counsel before she night, looked like a hospital. my right arm. There is nothing like three years. However, although I later attained the office of superin- From the sounds in the corridor eight A.M. for a good sharp Wasser- attended meetings during those tendent (warden) of the institution. I thought I was in an active mine mann. She got it, believe me. I years, I felt somehow apart from During my second turn, my interest

d”- T— in AA developed,I w a s able, as I spent a weekend at her house. I obtainedvery efficient legal ad- vate hospital. I have lost the desire secretary there, to help edit the I was not on a case at the time and vice, but I knew I was guilty of to drink. farm’s AA magazine. This activity I was physically overtired. I had breach of the peace again! The I am eternally grateful for the o p helped a lot. broken my connections with AA judge slowly pronounced my sen- portunity I have had. I had been Time passed. I returned, finally, and had started to drink again. She tence. Thirty days’ work in the same torn by ambivalence for nearly to a mediocre selling job and a went right along with this, of jail. Suicidal thoughts ran through twenty years of my life. I only pray grim room – alone. My love for course! Within forty-eight hours, my mind. I could not face this tor- that others may find faith sooner my family was such a compelling after a two-year separation, her hus- ment again. I remembered my guid- than I, at last, found mine. force within me that I was deter- band appeared. He promptly had ance in Niantic in recent years. W . G., Westport, Conn. mined to try to get my children her arrested for “disturbing the Within five seconds I had reached back again. I finally obtained a peace,” and I went to jail too! I was my final point of desperation -I hearing at the juvenile court, only not allowed even one phone call to was asking to “do” three years of to suffer intense disappointment. my son, as I vividly recall. I was my life in Niantic against one month I am thankful to this day to my sent to a state hospital for observa- in that jail! This time I must have parole officer for her help to me tion, came to court, where my case been seeking very deeply. I not only during that court session. I heard was postponed so I could obtain a the decision against me and I literal- asked for Niantic but promptly got lawyer, then was swiftly taken to a it. ly became hysterical. I can hardly municipal jail to await a court apbegin to remember my parting This had been my choice. I was pearance. totally defeated. words to my children. I have never, in all my experi- By this time I had another apart- I spent almost a year again at the ence, suffered as much emotional state farm. I knew the routine, by ment. I could not bear the loneliness and spiritual torment as I did there. of being sober – I could find noth- now. I knew that I could work for The cross section of street life near- –ing to relieve my despair – I detwenty-five cents a day. I knew ly made me uncontrollably violent. enough not to try to pick potatoes c i d e d t o bring my mother home My will to get out was stronger, from the hospital again. for a quarter of a mile at my age. however. I had given up my free- The only part I hadn’t learned was I completed my parole. Liquor dom again, only this was really the how to come out of there and wish seemed not to hold its former strong bottom of the pit. I had no means to stay sober. I used to memorize temptation for me any longer. My of communication whatsoever. I the psalms again at night during my .life with my mother continued, until don’t think I have ever been as confined hours. David really has a an AA friend offered me a chance to lonely or as desperate ininmy life. I lot to say! apply for a nursing position in a pri- kept asking for AA but was told I became active in every available vate hospital. I placed my mother in that only the men could attend field possible. There were many o p a convalescent home and accepted meetings. the job. portunities there, if one truly wished This is where I discovered how to find a method of using serenity About this time I ran across an to pray. The Gideon Bible was the old friend on the bus one day. She in the midst of, believe me, pure only method I could use to keep my “brimstone.” had been an AA member, but was sanity. I would sit in my cell and “too busy” to attend meetings. She What a blessing AA was to me read the psalms most of the day. there, and is to me now! I, at last, called me for Twelfth Step work several times, but I never seemed was truly knocking, and pounding to do any good. hard on those doors. In September, my final day came and I returned to my previous job as a nurse in a pri-

July 1967

no faith in man, because along with Step) into my own personality 1 my drinking I had lost faith in my- found a new substance inside me. self. I trusted no one, for others It was new because it had never were but a mere reflection of my been there before even in childhood. . own self, and I could not trust me. Either a stone or an empty hole I got sober in AA and like a had been where it should have miracle the warm flood of reality I grown. had feared for so long flowed over Now something was taking root. me, and I was no longer afraid. I I began to feel for others, to be able, began to wonder why. Along with for very brief moments, to put mysobriety something new had come self in their shoes. New worlds into my life and for a long while I opened up. I began to understand could not define it. I’m not sure I the world about me. I was not the can now, but it is worth the attempt center of the universe (heavens! if I can convey a little of my own what a calamity it seems to discover feelings to someone, perhaps only that!) I was part of a gigantic, one person. wonderful mystery. I could not I began to have concern for probe it because I knew nothing others. This word concern, along about it, I could only circle it with with its sister consideration, was an a childlike curiosity. I am still alien thing to me. I had believed circling about it. I shall never, nor myself capable of falling in love, I shall any of us, discover the secrets had thought myself a loving mother, of the universe. But we can accept but these emotions I now perceive their mystery, our part in them, and ‘NO M A N ISLAND’ had been reflections of my own self- our lives and deaths as something interest. Nothing penetrated beyond spiritual beyond our understanding. Concern for others has opened the way to God for her my self. I began, in early sobriety, I began to watch my children. to feel compassion for other drunks, They were small, important people. then for my children, then for my I realized I had never treated them B EFORE coming to AA I thought being spiritual was pretty oldfashioned. Joan of Arc was spirially, could not exist, in spite of his teaching that not a sparrow would fall, if he allowed such monstrous ex-husband. This compassion, a while I was drinking as anything feeling accompanied later by love, more than little machines I had opened up the door to a huge created, as if I had erected part of tual; Florence Nightingale was crimes against man as the black fortress inside me which had been a meccano set and been proud of it. spiritual. I was not likc these ladies, scenes at Buchenwald, Dachau, forever locked. Now this was the I saw them begin to blossom as my nor did I want to be. Their male Hiroshima. strange thing. I was not, in sobriety, treatment of them changed. I counterpart was, to my mind, a 1 was, as you may assume, spiri- returning to my former state. I was reached out a hand to help somehalf-naked hermit with ragged hair tually bankrupt long before AA not resuming a “well” state which 1 one, sometimes even only by listenwasting away in some dcsert cave entered my life and long before al- had left when I began to drink alco- ing, and I felt a strange contentment while contemplating visions of God coholism took over like a parasite holically. I was becoming, as I at being able to help – an incred- -not a very likely candidate for a under my skin. 1 had nothing, no heard it vut once. “weller than ible discovery for me! modern husband. And God, natur- faith at all to which to cling. I had well.” In probing (via the Fourth – I learned mv own version of ~ ~

what spirituality is. It does not senseless waste of human life)? I mean I have to be like the saints began to think frighteningly of who claimed to have direct advice death and suffering, not my own, and visions from God. It means I but all humanity’s. I began to queshave to be concerned with my fel- tion my new beliefs too much – I low man; through this alone can I began to panic. 1 began to read receive the grace of God, my Higher beyond AA’s literature for answers. Power, for in the words of John Fortunately for me, before I had Donne, so long before AA: “No read too much about the subject of man is an island.” spiritual beliefs (an area which was At an AA meeting I heard a only leading me to confusion), I speaker quote these lines, or as realized I was asking for too much close to them as I can remember: too soon. Wisely I left the philoso- I sought my God, and he eluded phy books to minds more capable me. / I sought my soul, and it I than mine, 1 could not risk further could not see. / I sought my mental confusion. I returned to the brother, and 1 found all three. teachings of AA, which had already How many, many years it took to saved me from a life of torment. make me understand the simple I needed to look no further than truth in these simple lines. the Twelve suggested Steps, and the I began to feel a safety in my powerful phrases of our Serenity new spiritual feelings, until I was Prayer. “. . . to accept the things we shaken up one night by an AA cannot change.” My personal anfriend who said, “All right, so you swer is there in the word uccept. can apply the Third Step and a Accept man’s place in the universal spiritual belief in God to your per- scheme, and my life as one minute sonal life, but how can you accept particle of the whole. None of us the terrible calamities which happen can ever fathom the glories and the around us every day?” I was faced uncharted regions .of the universe. again, perilously, with the questions But we can live on earth and love of my religious but non-spiritual one another. We can let in the bechildhood -how can I accept a be- ginnings of concern, compassion, lief in a God who allows the death, consideration, and watch ourselves for instance, of two hundred Welsh grow. With the tools and guideposts children under a heap of mining of Alcoholics Anonymous we can rubble ( a newspaper story which learn a little of this precious gift tore at my heart because of its our gateway to human spirituality. – B. G., Forest Hills, N . Y .

August 1967

with them. At first I told them I coma or whatever you call it, only couldn’t come. They said if I didn’t this time when my family came to come they would come after me. see me, they had to call the doctor. So I went. He told them to tell me to come in When I got there they had an- and talk to him when I got over other couple there and a bottle of being sick. whiskey and a bottle of gin. At first I went to see him and he sug- I did not drink with them. I was gested AA, but I told him I was not surprised to see the girls drinking, an alcoholic. He just shook his head. but I thought so much of this friend, I kept right on staying away from I thought if she did it then it work without calling, until someone couldn’t be too wrong, so I started told me to call in and tell them I drinking too. I didn’t get drunk was sick. So I started doing that. but I felt crazy. I really was sick, but I caused my- I got home all right but the next self to be sick. I didn’t know what morning I was so sick I thought, I’ll day of the week it was, or what LL my life I have wanted some- never do ‘that again, but I did, month. When I would close my eyes, A one to lean on. When I got married, I stopped depending on my when we got to the hospital Mother was in the emergency room. I went up and down the hall looking for my again and again, until I didn’t want to go on without it. I could see things which weren’t there. I ,was put on, “leave of abmother and father and started de- sister. I saw a man lying down on a One day after about three days sence” from work to get straightpending on my husband. I did not bed with both hands in bandages to and nights of drinking, my family ened out. want responsibility of any kind. I his elbows. I never thought about found me in bad shape. I didn’t Then I started coming to AA. I was willing to do anything as long Daddy being burned too. know any of them. I was swelled up am ready and willing to do anything as someone else was responsible. I saw my sister. I asked her about so much my little girl said I looked so I’ll never get that awful feeling My husband died suddenly of a Mother. She said they still had her like a monster. They took me to the again, and I believe with the help of heart attack. I took my little eight- in the emergency room. She said doctor and I got over that one, but God and a group of people that yearsld girl and went back to my Daddy was right down the hall. He it didn’t stop me. I would go for two understand me here in AA, I am on mother. My husband was gone, but had third degree bums on his hands. or three days not eating, and didn’t the way to recovery. I still had Mother. I stayed with He had tried to put the flames out go to work. Then I went into a Emma Mother and Daddy for three months, that were covering my mother. The then I wanted to go back to my only part of her that was not burned own home, but I wanted Mother to was her feet. She lived two days. stay with me. She did part of the I was completely lost. time and when she wasn’t at my Daddy was good to me, but he, house, I was at hers with her. too, wanted someone to lean on. I One day I got a phone call at tried to go on and did all right for work that my mother had been a while. Then in December, just badly burned. I had to go home first before Christmas, I was baking a and get someone to drive my car to cake one night when the phone rang the hospital. I thought Mother had and it was some friends who asked just burned her hand real bad. But me to come over and play cards

September 1967

sure was a good feeling to be with God has given me a second people who understood how some- chance -AA. With this chance one could be so messed up. there is nothing that I can’t do in Because I am sober doesn’t mean this twenty-four hours that are mine that all of my problems are gone – alone to use. far from it, but at least I can look at I can’t say that I will be assured them squarely and fight them one by of being dry just because of the proone, and not let the lot of them gram, but at least I know that when throw me. I still retain the most I go to bed tonight, it will be with a precious gift that I have ever had, clear head and a glad, not sad, my sobriety! I may have lost a mar- heart. riage, but I have regained my rea- Thank you all for being so h e l p son. I no longer look through the ful and understanding, and for veil of drugs at the world and all of showing me the way to fight my its responsibilities. I see it in the problems the sane and sensible way, right perspective now. through the AA program. A . McU.,Minneapolis, Minn.

I’m Sober Today, and Off Pills … s I write this I am sober and with which to swallow the pills, and ‘

I A happy. I am also free of the pills that had been a part of my life maybe provide an extra kick. I wasn’t completely unknown to for many months. I am twenty-four the police at this time, but as I years old, both an alcoholic and a wasn’t breaking laws to obtain the barbiturate addict. stuff, their hands were tied. It was I have been “clean” and sober only after I had spent a horrible for eight months now, and I am night in jail that I thought of it as a happier than I have ever been be- problem. fore. I turned to pills after the bottle It was at this point that one of my had seemed to lose its kick for me. few remaining friends told me about It wasn’t long before it was both AA. I didn’t give it much thought pills and booze, not just once in a but, as I was at the bottom, I tried while but all of the time. it. I went to my first meeting. I was It was the first thought of the day plenty scared, but to my surprise and the last one at night. I lived these people all accepted me. only from pill orgy to pill orgy. The They accepted me not only for booze finally turned into something the booze, but for the pills, too. It

Absolutely Crackers in Caracas “Nutty as a fruitcake” her sponsor said. But she had the golden key to unlock the door to life life. 1 like to think that directly in- I T took a long time for the knowledge, or truth (or is it spiritual progress?) to dawn on me, that side that door, if in our fumbling we have not dropped and lost the plain old sobriety, beautiful as it precious key, are twelve long, shalmay be, is not quite enough! We do low steps, beginning in a frightening have to learn to live. Would you darkness but becoming steadily believe it, that after twenty-eight brighter as they climb into the unyears of wild, chaotic drinking, I limited vistas of brilliant joy and imagined in those first few golden happiness above us. . days, weeks and months when I Christ said, “In my Father’s floated around on huge, fluffy pink house are many mansions,” and clouds that I “had it made!” I isn’t this so for us who have turned thought God had just pressed a our lives and our wills over to the magic button and I’d been sprung care of God as we understand Him? like a jack-in-the-box from the All we need, to take this first falterdepths of my lonely hell-hole. ing step back into life, is enough I feel now that the golden gift of hope, or faith to put our hand in sobriety in those early days is a the hand of our Higher Power tiny key, placed into our trembling usually via our sponsor, or the hands, which unlocks the door of group. And it’s just for today. What

4 ” P

a wonderful reprieve for the so recently hopeless ones. Another little quip which has 66 given me much food for thought, is I knew with a certain satisfaction that I was stark, raving mad.” this, “The only job you can begin at the top, is digging a hole.” I don’t know about you, but I didn’t even because if I fall asleep I shall “What was it about?” my sponsor cause 1 still had my nice home, my know I was digging a hole until I strangle and choke and die.” “Dear asked me. own Jaguar car, a husband I adored was so far down I couldn’t imagine God, I don’t want to die!” “Dear “I don’t know, but now it’s gone (though he had mentioned rather any way up and out of it. What a God, let me die!” And, most of all, and I’ll never know that beautiful frequently of late that he wanted his’ deep, dark, lonely hell-hole I dug the baffling, unanswered question, thing.” freedom). “Dear soul,” I thought, for myself in those twenty-eight “Dear God, why, why, why?” Why My beloved, cocky little sponsor “how can he possibly know what he years of drinking! At first, it was what I don’t know; why am I like smiled down on me from her vastly wants when he’s never seen me sowide and shallow, just the merest this? why don’t You hear me? superior shelf of “one month longer ber before?” I had absolutely no indentation wherein I danced in Seemingly, never an answer. On the than me” sobriety and said (sneered reservations about Step Two benymph-like abandon. All was fun, various occasions when I tried to I thought at the time), “Lil, you’re cause (let me tell you this in consun, rum -and lots of gay play- get out of my hell-hole by taking my as nutty as a fruitcake” and she fidence) though I had never conmates! Somehow, all that dancing life, and miserably failing even in produced a copy of the Prayer of sciously heard the word “alcoholic*’ and jiving, the parties and whirling that, I’d moan, “You see, even God St. Francis of Assisi. “Was this it? I knew, with a certain satisfaction. around, deepened the hole. I found doesn’t want me, alive or dead.” I typed up a copy for you!” that I was stark raving mad. Now, I had fewer and less playful play- Chapter Five tells us in clear, I tell you this little episode to that’s a consolation, isn’t it? Who mates; we entered the “sin and gin” concise and understandable words show you how well I’d read the Big wants to be an alcoholic, when you phase. “how it works.” It also gives us a Book the first few times. I didn’t can be a lunatic? So much more re- Though there wasn’t so much plain, foolproof blueprint, drawn up know the meaning of one word I spectable, isn’t it? You can blame spontaneous laughter, and drinking from the divinely inspired experi- read, much less had I understood just about everyone for driving you became a much more serious and ence and knowledge of our revered the simple directions. How was I to nuts–certainly not rum! As a mattime-consuming matter, and though founders. It is so simple really that, know what this “rigorous honesty” ter of fact I’d called Alcoholics I began to hurt, striking against un- if all else fails, we just have to fol- was, when I was already perfectly Anonymous not to hear anything suspected and unseen obstacles, I low the directions, as if we, were honest? What did they mean by about alcohol, but because the ad still felt no fear of impending doom; baking a cake or assembling a mod- “going to any lengths to get it” if I said, “for help or information, call” I continued digging away at the job el airplane. I devoured the Big wanted what they had? Hadn’t I and I urgently needed help to get I’d begun at the top. Book (stories first of course) in the proved I wanted it, by not taking so myself locked up in the one and How and when does the awful first few days, and knew all about it. much as one teeny-weeny cocktail; only Manicomio in Caracas at that knowledge come to us that we are A couple of weeks later, I frenziedly not one little shot of my “medicinal” time! alone, frightfully alone, at the bot- searched and re-read it, and cried in rum which had been keeping me That’s all I wanted, and look tom of we know not where? Cut off loud anguish that I’d read a won- alive these many years? Wasn’t that what they gave me- those two from all those we love, unable to derful little prayer and “now it’s going to any lengths? Hadn’t I ad- wonderful girls, Tink and Marylook at ourselves, lost, lost, lost. I gone!” Page by page we searched mitted I was powerless over alcohol, Jane. It was Tink who’d brought fought and screamed and prayed – together, my sponsor and I, but no, and that my life was unmanageable? AA to Venezuela. There she sat, in how I prayed! “Dear God, let me the precious prayer was gone. I was There was some little reservation my living room across the coffee sleep.” “Dear God, keep me awake, sure I had gone crazy after all. about the unmanageable bit, be- table, and coolly told me to my

drunken toil-worn face, that she The doctor who had treated me hadn’t had a drink for five years! for nine years, privately and in Who ever heard of such a wild and clinics and hospitals for all kinds of ridiculous statement – five years! ladylike complaints, and whom I’d She must think I’m nuts! Then she seen the afternoon before my miracturned to the younger gal, and said, ulous call for help, didn’t even rec- “Mary-Jane will be your sponsor; ognize me after a few months of she’s been sober a whole month!” sobriety. Weeping for joy (these I turned my bleary eyes in that Latins, y’know!) he then told me general direction, and may have I’d been living under a sentence of asked how but only remember her death for six years prior to this, and saying, “It’s a miracle.” that he had written me off as a Months later, M-J confessed to chronic alcoholic and a hopeless me that at our first meeting she schizophrenic! “Why didn’t you tell thought, “Poor old bag, she’ll never me I was an alcoholic?” I asked make it.” I share this with you now, him. “Would you, or could you quite joyfully, because that’s just the have stopped drinking?” he asked way it was with me -hopeless! me very sadly. Tink kindly suggested I wasn’t I knew the answer was no. mad; that I might possibly have a Today, I started reading a book drinking problem, and that I was a called “Passport to Illumination” by very sick cookie. Harvell P. Williams, a scientist. I 1 knew 1 was sick! “The best- only reached page eleven of the dressed corpse in Caracas,” I flip- introduction, and came across these pantly called myself. I weighed words: “The passport to illuminaeighty-four pounds (dressed) when tion is Knowledge with Understand- I called for help, and that’s not ing.” It goes on, “the Teacher of quite enough skin to cover 5′ 5%” Nazareth said, ‘Know the truth, and of bones. I’d developed a little the truth will set you free!’ ” Sudstoop, partly from carrying the denly this burst of sharing my exworld on my back, partly to dis- perience, hope and strength sprang guise the tall and skinny effect, and from me. partly to hide an embarrassing little I’m one of those nuts who applies pot-belly, which didn’t sit too well everything she reads to the AA way on the best-dressed corpse and al- of life, and those words. made me ways gave me the look of being think, think, think. What is knowlslightly pregnant. Might have passed edge, if we don’t have understandon a younger woman, but on a ing? And what is sobriety, if we “lady” of my dignity and fifty-one don’t understand how to live and years, it definitely needed camou- love and laugh with it? flaging. Lil H-C., Castro Valley, Calif.

October 1967 -. 4, – 1 whom to contact. It was in my hus- keep working the program twentyband’s final desperation that he four hours at a time, we can con- – A11 In The Family! asked me to call a phone number tinue to grow. that had been given to us, and we May I make one observation were directed to our first meeting in which has become important to me Georgetown, Delaware. I feel cer- just recently, as a result of seeing i tain that it was our absolute faith in difficulties arise in another husbandwhat AA could do, as a result of wife AA membership? Mom’s and Dad’s example, that we Bill and I are husband and wife, fell for the AA program hook, line but he is an individual alcoholic and and sinker. I know that it was faith I am an individual alcoholic. As and what we found in AA that has such, he works AA his way, and I saved both our lives, mentally, work AA my way. We discuss probphysically and spiritually. lems together, but we work the pro- Since coming into AA our lives gram individually. We go to meethave been entirely different. We ings together (home group), but She found A A for her parents. Then, years later, ourselves are different. We both there are meetings he goes .to alone know this, and don’t want to go and there are meetings I go to if I she needed it for herself and her husband back to what we were. We feel feel so inclined. We each respect the secure in the knowledge that if we other’s need without question. L. T . , Lewes, Del.

I WAS not a newcomer to AA in the true sense of the word when I came to my first meeting. My first something called Alcoholics Anonymous. They consented to talk with some of the AAs, began to attend knowledge of AA came from a story meetings and from that day, almost in True Story magazine when I was eighteen years ago, to today they in my teens. That story was impor- have worked the program. I have tant to me at that time because both always said that AA gave my of my parents had a severe drinking mother and father back to me. problem. It at least made me under- As the years rolled by it became stand that they were sick and not more and more apparent that my just plain “bad.” husband and I both had a problem, Many years later when, as a re- but we thought we could do it oursult of the continued problem of selves. You know the answer to that their drinking, my mother and one. By the grace of God, we father were forced to live with my reached our individual bottoms at husband and myself and had been the same time. The fact that my with us for over two years, the prob- mother and father had attended the lem became so bad that I finally Lewes-Rehoboth Group when they remembered about the possibility of visited us was the reason we knew

November 1967

– Big Book Stories – Updated , This is the third article in the Grapevine’s series by authors of the personal histories in the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous. The Big Book was published in 1939; the revised, enlarged version came o u t in 1955. Now, the author of “Stars Don’t Fall,” page 401 in the revised edition, reports on the vital experience-some of it rough going—of the second half of her quarter-century of sobriety in AA.

At Last No Longer Apart

Then the old selfdoubts would re- another mood swing, and I would W HEN they told me my story would appear in the “highbottom” section of the last edition in jail, in a sanitarium, or on the Bowery in actual fact. But this, I felt, was not any fault of mine. I turn, and I would sink into yet another long, black depression. feel on top of the world again. L i e was wonderful, everything was cornof the Big Book-the section la- had done my best to make the low- Thank God for AA and the meet- ing my way. I would never, never beled “They Stopped in Time9′-I bottom section of the book. I said to ings and thank God for my wonder- have another depression. And then, was hurt. Had I not suffered more myself (and most secretly I said it), ful friends in AA. I had help, and when something came along to u p than anyone else? Was I not a rag, “I am different. I am not quite like so I was able to stay sober. And I set me, back I would go into *ana bone, a hank of hair, when I fi- other AAs. None of them have been could say to myself, “I have a great other long, dark tunnel, that surely, nally came staggering through the so self-debased, so bitterly ashamed, many wonderful friends. Since they this time, was for eternity! . door of the old clubhouse at 324% so mortally guilty. I don’t care what like and love me enough to stick by Well, I did work and pray and West Twenty-fourth Street? How they say; I don’t believe that any- me, I can’t be all that bad.” The persist. And my friends did hang on, could they say .that I had had an body else in AA is quite as bad as I person I couldn’t really sell was my- God bless them all. And I did keep easy time of it? was and, in many ways, still am.” self. Trying to talk, pray, and work going to meetings, no matter how I You see, I had a secret idea: No- This feeling of being a little bit myself out of these moods was like felt, and I tried to do Twelfth Step body really appreciated how much worse than and therefore a little bit trying to push an angleworm uphill work, even when my pigeons were I had been through, how searing to different from anybody else in AA on a rainy day. It couldn’t be done. in better shape than I was! I knew the soul my last three years of stayed with me for many years. I Of course, I dramatized this soggy one thing: I had not really been able drinking had been, how low I had could not shake a maudlin sense of condition. I called it “my inner to let go and let God. I did not trust really sunk when I had practically unworthiness. I would lick it for a sense of bleeding loss.” I thought anybody but me to get me out of lived in the cheap Greenwich Vil- while and think, “Now I’ve made it. that perhaps I was trapped in the this. Oh, I kept right on praying, as lage bars, never knowing how I got Now I’m really sober-on the pro- coils of original sin. My, my, how I best I knew how. But it was that home. Of course, I had never been gram in thought as well as deed.” did carry on! And then would come same old sense of apartheid-a

spiritual segregation from life-that I had not had before. It has been . was the problem. It had been my growing slowly ever since. I have problem when I was drunk, too. made it a habit to pray at least twice One day, a couple of years ago, a day, and sometimes oftener. (I I was walking along a sand road on have been praying ever since I first the West Coast of Florida, when an came into AA, but this is different.) answer came to me. I suddenly said I feel that the Higher Power is, in a to myself, “I want everybody whom mystical sense, the sum total of my I hate or fear, everybody who has true being, and is working with and ever injured me, or whom I may through me at all times. This Power have injured-I want them all to can and will do anything necessary be as happy as I want to be. I want for my good and that of others, if I them to be happy right now, wher- let it. I have, at last, learned to trust ever they are.” And then I thought God. And so, at long last, I am no of a couple of people and named longer alone, no longer segregated them out loud and said, “I want you from everybody else. It has been a to be happy.” Something happened. great relief not to expect life to be It was as if a black bird flew sud- easy all the time. denly out of my heart. I felt a won- I used to think prayers for spederful sense of peace, and my eyes cific things should be answered filled with tears. specifically. I no longer expect the After that, things began happen- answer to prayer to be the solution ing. The first thing that happened that I can envision. A lot of the was that I slowly stopped fearing time, now, I’m able to let go and let these people. I went through the God bring about a solution that whole time span and forgave them transcends any solution that I could retroactively and in the present and have thought of. Things that would on into the future. I forgave them have thrown me for a loop two forever, and in this way I slowly be- years ago, now merely upset me, as gan to forgive myself. This self- they would anyone, and I do the forgiveness brought new self-re- best I can about them. Under these spect. Even when things went circumstances, a load of minor irwrong, I didn’t hate myself as I had. ritations or a couple of real big And then good things began to problems don’t frighten me as they happen in the outer world. I was used to. For I am not alone. As for given help in several things where the good things of life–great and help was very much needed. The small-why, I never knew what help seemed to arrive at the right happiness was until now. time and in the right way. In May, Oh, wonderful, wonderful, won- 1965, things really began looking derful, I am sober at last. up. I experienced a joy of living that F. M., New Canaan, Conn.

November 1967

me in order to get through the deci- anybody, not even to our children, sions of the following hours “be- until sobriety is placed above everytween meetings.” With four chil- thing else, including our sons and dren, the decisions are usually small daughters! If I had not been as deby nature, but decisions they are – feated as I was, if I had given in to and vast in number. To me at that my guilt and “stayed home with the time, they were enormous. So a children” (to share with them my Meetings 4 I meeting was mandatory for survival. But the pangs of guilt I often felt at sick thinking), they would not have a mother today. leaving the children every night I am no longer striving to be Without \ were a real threat to my sobriety. I have discovered in the last five the “perfect mother.” I am just another mother among the millions in years that in this, as in everything this world. But I am here. When Guilt “\ else, I have many sisters. In more instances than not, however, the they need me, when they want the warmth of the presence of another guilt wins because of the lack of human being who loves them, I am perspective we have when we first here. I still do many things wrong, Should get here. We cannot see that in our but not as many. I still lose control present condition the children may of my temper and sound like a fish-:: a mother feel guilty vv OMEN who still have their children with them seem to have the strongest conflict over regular meeting attendance. I had my four well be better off with a few houri away from us, regardless of how they feel about it. A minister friend of mine once said, “It is not the wife, but not as often. I no longer’ wait on them hand and foot to compensate for my guilty drinking. I am learning to help them help themquantity of time we give our chil- selves, as this way of life is teaching about leaving children and a marriage intact when dren that counts, it is the quality.” me to do. I found AA. The marriage was bad- The value of my presence in those God bless the guilt that brought her children ly shaken, and the children emotion- days was negligible. me here, and God bless this proally upset, but we were still together. If the newcomer could only see gram for relieving me of enough to go to AA has kept us together and saved that “this is a selfish program” of it. our family. My husband loves the means that we cannot be of use to M.P. C., Los Angeles, Calif. A A meetings? program, and the children appreciate the difference in our home atmosphere. In fact, they take my Trick of Living sobriety quite for granted now. I I believe that one person in a thousand knows the trick of really living in don’t. I the present. Most of us spend fifty-nine minutes of an hour living in the In the beginning I did what I was past, with regret for lost days, or in a future which we either long for or told and went to a meeting every dread, and every minute we spend in vain effort to anticipate the future is a moment lost. night. It was no real task for me, because I knew without a meeting There is only one minute in which we are alive -this minute here, the next day would be unbearable. and now. The only way to live is by accepting each minute as an unre- I had to have the strength and sense peatable miracle. That is exactly what it is -a miracle and unrepeatable. of identification the meeting gave G.R. W.,Shreveport, La.

November 1967

and spent my next year in Italy. people I didn’t even know, and This was wartime. Enter fear. when I had no faith they had The Mother of the Bride That’s when I discovered that alco- enough and were willing to share it hol could erase fear. Alcohol and I with me until I, too, could come to became dearest friends from that believe. moment. This is the way it has been for upon a bar stool there How 0 NCE (practically) lived a girl named -let me see-her name was any- I met a man in England and mar- fourteen years, one day at a time. ried him there just after the war. I I used to wonder what I was doing had to begin a new life now as a wrong, because my child and husthing she wanted it to be. She could wife, and a year later as a mother, band weren’t restored to me. Then I a child also be anything she wanted to be. and I wasn’t equipped for either job. realized that I wasn’t doing anything She could have gone far in this How I longed to be a good wrong-I was staying sober and trylost through world and she did-so far down mother! But I was an alcoholic. I ing. That was all I could do then, that she fell right off that bar stool {

tried to find answers to problems in and it’s all I can do now. alcoholism one day. But, by the grace of God, the bottom of bottle. The answers God has His own reasons for all became she fell into the loving arms of Alcoholics Anonymous. C were never an will never be found things. Had we been brought back there. together, perhaps I could never have That’s the story of the beginning I left my child and husband – had a real message of hope for “part of A A ” of my life-a life I didn’t know how ironically enough – on Mother’s people just like myself, who didn’t to live until AA. There is no ending, Day. I’m writing this story on regain their families either. My for her for as long as I breathe the story Mother’s Day seventeen years later, daughter has been the most power- . will go on. . . and my thought now is to ask for- ful part of this God-given message. .. . I cannot and will not blame mv giveness of my daughter, because People-AAs-all over the country alcoholism on anything or anybody. my alcoholism robbed her of a have never met her, but they know It is an illness. mother during her growing-up years. her in my story, and so she has been But to go back-I was a dreamer. I’m not giving a drink-by-drink and is a very vital part of AA. I quit school to seek fame and for- account of the horrible years until In the first twelve years of .my tune–doing what, I didn’t know. I AA. Let’s say it was like a snowball AA life my daughter and I saw each was working when I was sixteen. going very rapidly down a moun- other only six times. There was a Enter alcohol. It made me beautiful, tain. I lost every job I had. My temptation to despair in those days. brilliant, and confident. These were honesty was gone, my self-respect, But you have to have the valleys things I was not when I was sober. my family, my everything. When before you can appreciate the view I liked the feeling. this snowball got right to the edge of from the mountaintop. Now, in the At eighteen I joined the Army the cliff and it seemed as though past year and a half, we have and for a year drove a three-ton nothing could stop it-enter God become friends – as mother and truck. This was not the glamorous I (as I understand Him). daughter. It was worth the wait. life I had visualized. Then, at nine- The door to AA opened, and I How wonderful it was at last that teen, I went overseas with the Army literally fell into life. I was greeted on my daughter’s wedding day I with outstretched hands, hands of was able to be there. The mother of AAs who were willing to lead me the bride! ,* along the sober path. I was loved by E. M., Mich.

December 1967

No pills, please! From Buena Park, Calif.: Pills: all kinds of them; all shapes; all sizes; all colors. There are the tranquilizers, sleeping potions, muscle relaxants, and that “little something for the nerves.” We’ve all heard the route. There are some who still claim success with it. I never met with success. Pills only helped me along the long, hard road that led straight to a drunk. After playing around with all the little goodies for so many years, sometimes right along with booze, I honestly began to believe that I never could be completely without them and stay sober. I kind of had it twisted around. I never could have stayed sober with them. Thank 0

0

God and this program, I don’t need them now! D. A.

darkest just before dawn.” If I think you will stay sober traveling dared, I would say this to each on the nightclub circuit?” suffering soul 1 twelfth-step, for I retorted in a mincing, mocking even as I shakily dialed the AA an- tone, “Just as long as I don’t take swer-service number, I sensed a that first drink!” tiny, faint glow of light dawning Then they knowingly said, “We’ll within me. wait.” Seven delicious years have passed, They did. And I am so glad they and if seventy more are added I did. I am so glad they were still shall never forget the voice that was there when I needed them so dessoon on the wire in response to my perately, after those three months call. A lovely, refined voice asked if back on the treadmill of hangovers I thought I had a drinking problem. and self-loathing and guilt. They At that moment, I would have said welcomed me back without a single yes if anyone had asked if I had “We told you so.” Nothing but love cancer. I only knew that I must be and sympathy. They seemed to the sickest human being in the state sense my total submission and my of Indiana, and if they wanted to willingness, now, to go about my diagnose it as a drinking problem, AA in the same fashion I had gone A n d in very s h o r t order, t h e sober, fine and good. about everything all my life-whole not-so-gay divorcke w a s no longer alone When I hung the telephone up, hog! No more half-measures. No I knew I was going to be helped – more tinkering around the edges. somehow – and then a bit of the old arrogance returned! I had been impressed with the caliber of the

, H ERE we are again at that glorious time of the year -Christmas. A season of holiness, gratitude, Bowery flophouse or a San Francisco waterfront mission ever awaken to a starker desolation than I did woman on the phone, and I recall thinking, “Why, they must have one or two in that outfit almost as smart The next six pages of the calenand happy sharing. A season of joy that wintry morning? as I am.” dar flipped by, as I traveled countand good cheer, of lights and piny This was the day I had never I wish I could tell you about my less miles making amends to those boughs. And for this grateful alco- dreamed I would face. The day early days around AA -those wise who had loved me, to those who holic woman with pen in hand, a when the magic was gone from life ol’ Hoosiers trying valiantly to get had given me the breaks (only to be season for remembering. . . . -the day when the Answer to All through to me. Trying so hard to let down again and again). Now it Has it been seven whole years Life’s Problems had itself become a steer me clear of the slip they saw was December again. December since that awful December morn- problem. .The day when I knew I coming. They would say to me, 1961. The gay divorcee .wasn’t so ing? I awakened on my skid row, could not get another drink down, “Why don’t you slow down? Easy gay that season. The sophisticated bitten by an ugly realization: “You yet knew I would surely die if I does it.” gal-about-town wasn’t so sophistihave had it, baby. You are at the didn’t. I would reply airily, “It has al- cated. There were fewer guffaws end of the line.” Is it not strange that the tired old ways been my nature to be quick. and more warm smiles. There was No, r hadn’t left home. I had platitudes we always thought so Can’t change human nature.” less tinsel and more light. But there passed out in a sixty-dollar dress on corny seem today so profound? They said, “How long do you was no mate, and all of us yearn for my own sofa. But did anyone in a Take for example: “It is always

a mate. AA meetings in my area 23 the postman brought his letter. were, for the most part, attended by You know the rest of the story, couples. Dates to do the town were don’t you? Yes, we were married a fewer in the sober life. Here was a hundred days later. woman alone. Now, December 1967 finds us as My Christmas cards were in the far removed from the old life as the mail December 16. Included with Gulf Coast of Texas is from Norththem was one addressed to an Air ern Indiana. Retired from the Force major whom I had not seen military career, Colonel G. is as devoted and grateful to Al-Anon as Mrs. G. is to her blessed AA. Truly, “all is calm, all is bright,” only through the exquisite grace of a Power greater than ourselves. or heard from for over twenty-one Alcoholics Anonymous is a felyears. But back in the dear, sweet lowship of men and women who days almost beyond recall, he had share. Thank you for letting me been the first sweetheart, the first share with you these precious Delove, and school had been a better cember thoughts. place because of him. On December ,\ Neva G., Alvin, Tex.

January 1968 ‘*’ )I

drinking problem. Who are we to problem with your drinking – weljudge? I feel I have an obligation to come!” whoever walks in the door -to I hope they won’t hear: “You’re An alcoholic’s own story . . . help them give themselves a break. too young,” or “You couldn’t have We all know it’s hard enough to let drunk enough to be an alky.” If go of alcohol. they are not alcoholics, they will With ever-spreading knowledge leave. If they are alcoholics, they of AA, there are bound to be more will stay, as I did, and grow into this young people like me who will new way of life. Y N A M E is Sharon, and I am an M alcoholic. I came into AA one and a half recognize that they have a problem. Or their families may recognize it and suggest AA. AA has given me so much. I don’t have lots of material gains, but I have my sobriety and enough years ago at the age of twenty-one. I .only hope that the people in AA comforts. Through the grace of God I knew a great deal about AA be- will heed what we hear in meetings: and the people of AA, I know that I fore I came, because a very close “We don’t care who you are, what won’t have to drink today if I don’t member of my family is in AA and you are, how much you drank, or want to. has been for a number of years. where you drank. If you have a S . S., Reno, Nev. I started drinking stead;ly at the age of nineteen, and in two short FARAWAY PLACES years I had lost my self-respect, Recently I was in a small ship at anchor in Finland, near the Russian family, children, and the will to go frontier. All day the vessel had been troubled by persistent inquiries from on. the locals for whisky, much favored in Finland. By evening I was in the When I came to AA, I had been right mood to strongly repel any further useless demands. IS dry for three weeks. As I sat in an Alanon club, four old-timers told Just before dark a rather tough-looking character clambered on board from a rowboat. He was followed by a piratical-looking gentleman with one me that I was too young to have arm who was pushed and pulled over the bulwarks and flopped onto the any trouble with booze. deck rather like a seal. His pusher quickly followed. I thank God I was broke, home- I advanced to “repel boarders” and caught the word kisky for whisky. less, and most of all sick and tired I was about to blast them when the words “Ah Ah” followed. Now AA is of being sick and tired. In spite of pronounced “Ah Ah” in some languages. In a flash it dawned on me. what they said, I knew this was the They wanted “Whiskers” (my AA name). I had written ahead to AA only place I could learn to walk Hamina. again if I would only try. Well, you should have seen the backslapping and handshaking, the joyful The other day, a gentleman ap- greetings. My shipmates were quite mystified at the sudden change in my proached me and said, “You can’t demeanor, from blasts to blessings. The three “pirates” were whisked be an alcoholic-you’re too young.” (not whiskyed) to my cabin in a chorus of “Forst Trappa,” or “Tolv All I could do was smile and reply, Trappa,” Swedish for’steps, First or Twelfth. “I know that I am an alcoholic, and These good members had rowed several miles to welcome a fellow thank God I don’t have to prove it member, and to cement a great (worldwide) Fellowship. to anyone.” Yes, AA meets in some strange places – even unto the Arctic Circle. I believe it is terribly dangerous Mainstay, N . 2. to tell anyone that he doesn’t have a

February 1968

AA. She gave me renewable pre- have the same depressions, hysteria, scriptions for amphetamines to act and fears I had while drinking. Fias an antidepressant. I also took nally, I picked up a drink. I had no tranquilizers for nerves and bar- control over my thoughts or actions. I Went biturates to sleep. My exhilaration I didn’t want to drink, but I couldn’t at getting a new prescription was help myself. My drunk lasted one from Booze to Pills similar to an alcoholic’s at buying a night. bottle the morning after. When my My relapse into alcoholism was prescriptions ran out, I was frantic. inevitable, because my pill habit led I was dry for ten months – I was using drugstores all over town. me back to that drink. A few days but I was not sober for one minute After a two-week dry period in later, I went to a closed meeting and AA, I started taking my pep pills. poured my heart out. That night I I told no one in AA, as I had surrendered my life to AA and deheard pills mentioned once or twice cided I would go to any lengths for

w HEN I Came to my first AA a secondary problem came into the meeting, I had a lot of prob- forefront. I became a pill baby. lems. I thought this was why I drank I took amphetamines, commonly so much. A few months previously, called pep pills or goofballs. I raand I didn’t want anyone to tell me my sobriety. I threw out all my they were dangerous for me. I got pills and have not taken anything very little from my meetings, and stronger than aspirin in seventeen after a few months started to stay months. It was not easy staying I had divorced my husband. A year tionalized that pills would not hurt away from them. I was dry for ten away from both booze and pills, but before, my mother had died. Now, I me as long as I didn’t drink. I felt months -but I was not sober for I listened to my sponsor and did was living alone with two small chil- that I needed pills to rid me of my one minute. During that ten months, what I was told, and in time my dedren in a large house in the suburbs, depressions and my fatigue. I didn’t my pill intake increased. I started sire for something to blur reality drinking from morning till night, know they would lead me back to stealing pills from my father’s office passed. sick, depressed, and ready to give it drink and nervous near-collapse. (he is an MD), and I was headed I attended a lot of AA meetings all up. I hated life, which I felt had I had fooled around with pills towards the pill black market. In and became active in my group. dealt me more than my share of from the time my second child was AA I listened to no one. I was Now I fully accept my disease of misfortunes. I hated the respon- born, when I took an appetite-de- keeping myself “sober.” alcoholism, and I’m doing somesibility of my children, and I loathed pressant. I loved the kick it gave I thought I was a situational alco- thing about it. There are no submyself. me, and continued taking it long holic. I thought I was too young stitutes for sobriety. There is not a I entered AA because I had to after I grew thin. I ended up terribly (twenty-nine) and too intelligent to pill in the world that can give me stop drinking. My physical condi- underweight. I needed prescriptions be a real alcoholic. My thinking the serenity and happiness that are tion was pitiful, my life meaningless, to get the pills, so I went to many , during these ten months was irra- mine every twenty-four hours I am and my behavior when drunk de- doctors, some in my family. They tional and foggy. I continued to sober the AA way. grading and dangerous. I found it didn’t check my weight, and so Anonymous difficult to identify with the people never realized my addiction. Alco- I met at meetings. I knew I drank hol was my primary problem then, too much, but I felt my problems so one or two pills a day satisfied me were unique and that anyone in my -until I started drinking in the situation would drink heavily. afternoon. I stayed dry, however, a day at a I had been seeing a psychiatrist time; but when I stopped drinking, for two years before I came into

February 1 9 6 8

Challenge in Jamaica

The lush resort life was making her restless until she remembered to be grateful for A A

Photographs courtesy oof Jamaica Tourlst Board

w HEN I got the letter from my father with the airline ticket to Jamaica enclosed, my friends thought I should be thrilled and drinkers and live in a world of retired, well-off, and interesting people. I also knew that they were very pleased that their daughter was divorced, living alone and drinking around the clock. The court case had to be put off three times until I could become sober enough to apthe Ocean View Group in Kingston. Alas, I was to be in Ocho Rios, . many miles away on the other side of the island. Still, it gave me a grateful. I was indeed grateful; this “off the booze,” but I wasn’t sure pear. small sense of security, as I was sure was one of the rewards of sobriety. they understood alcoholism. They This was probably minor in com- I could make contact somehow. I But thrilled I was not. Instead, I had attended a few Al-Anon meet- parison to the late-at-night phone should like to mention that during was apprehensive. ings, but from some conversations calls 1 would make to my parents my threc years’ sobriety I was used Two weeks with my parents in we had had I sensed that they gave across the country, my hatred for to and enjoyed around three meet- Jamaica would include my third AA will power credit for my sobriety. myself turning into cutting drunken ings a week, plus being very active anniversary. My sobriety had been Two weeks in this atmosphere words for them. In the end they in my home group here in Philadelvery hard for me to come by. It had would be frightening to me. rightfully had had nothing to do phia. I talked everything over with taken me a number of years to learn On the other side of the coin was with me, and now with my three my sponsor, and finally 1 decided to that I must surrender to be free, the thought that perhaps by visiting years’ sobriety I saw very little of make the trip. although during this period I had them in this manner I would have them. So this gesture of offering me My parents met me at the exciting been in the last stages of chronic the opportunity to make some a two-week vacation in Jamaica was airport at Montego Bay, and we alcoholism, near the brink of in- amends. I had hurt all who had be- indeed a reward. And, of course, I drove the seventy miles to the house sanity or death. Therefore, an AA come involved with me, especially loved the thought of seeing the ro- they had leased for the season. The anniversary was terribly important my parents. Once, they had come all mantic West lndies island. breathtaking drive was the beginto me, and I looked upon each as a the way from Paris to California to Filled with conflicting feelings, I ning of my yearning to share this miracle. be in court with me on a drunk- got our AA World Directory and trip with someone. Their house was My parents are very heavy social driving charge when I was first looked up Jamaica. Listed there was absolutely lovely, high on a cliff

reason I was not at all at ease. The miraculous recovery from cancer. out into the water. h s t of the mornings were spent “She lives now only one day at a Out there on the raft I began to either playing golf or beaching, both time,” he said. I observed the lady, think. It became clear to me that I of which I enjoyed. and she had the look of people in could not appreciate this heavenly Then came lunch: the long, pro- AA. I longed to put my arm around place because I had absolutely no longed two or three hours of cock- her and tell her that I, too, lived one to share it with. How important tails, ending with food. The house- twenty-four hours at a time. our sharing in AA is not just the man had been told I did not drink, The day before my anniversary, troubles, but good feelings, too, esand I think he had fun mixing up I tried to reach AA in Kingston, but pecially beauty. exotic fruit drinks for me. I was so the phone connections were impos- It was then the thought came to weary after lunch was over that I sible. I almost started a deep con- me: What about the Loners? I knew above the Caribbean, with steps was unable to sleep when the rest of versation with the houseman, who there were many of them, stuck leading right from my room to the the group (there were sometimes I knew was a very religious man. away in places where there was no sea. The colors, the foliage were guests) went for a nap. These Though I think it was in some con- AA. Here I was, frantic after only a unbelievable. lunches went on every day that I nection with the voodoo spirit, any few days’ lack of communication, This house was leased with a staff was in Jamaica. spirit would have been welcome at while throughout the world there of native servants, and before the Teatime was at six, and I soon this point! My restless feelings were hundreds of Loners getting day was over my parents had tact- learned to eat everything in sight, mounted. along well and staying sober. I felt fully asked me not to mention my as the cocktail hour and late dinner The day of my anniversary was ashamed of myself. In a few days I AA affiliation or my past drinking were a repeat of the noontime or- warm and balmy. My parents knew would be going back to my meetings career to them – or to anyone. At deal. And I mean ordeal. Never in a that this day was special for me and and to people who knew my innerfirst, I was really taken aback, as I hundred years of sobriety do I think had planned a picnic at a private most thoughts and cared. From this had not counted on this at all. The I could learn to enjoy this pro- beach. I thought I would indulge day forward, I would know in no AA way of life was now really all longed cocktail chitchat coupled myself before we left and call my uncertain terms just how much that was important to me. When I with a growling stomach! My par- sponsor long-distance. The phone meetings and communication with thought it over, I realized that I ents are very well-read, well-trav- was not only impossible; it was com- AA people really meant to me. didn’t have to change anything that eled people, and so are their friends, pletely dead. The mail was delivered Then, as if the sun had come out I felt. I just didn’t have to talk but you readers of the Grapevine hit-or-miss style, and today was a from behind one of those magnifiabout my drinking. This attitude know what booze does to the art of miss. Not a card from home. I again cent cumulus clouds, a great gratiwas understandable on my parents’ conversation! experienced that terrible loneliness- tude warmed me. I knew that this part, and I was a guest in their I wrote my friends many letters, in-the-midst-of-people that so many holiday in Jamaica would ever rehouse. However, this was the start but felt silly complaining, as I knew of us felt when we were drinking. mind me just how empty my life of my uncertain serenity in Jamaica. many people would wish for the By the time we got to the beach would be without AA. Early in the mornings, I was free opportunity I was having. I had my for the picnic, I was full of self-pity, Days later, when my dad took to roam around outside or walk 24 Hours a Day book with me, and ingratitude, and depression. I had me to the airport, he told me that down to the sea. Being close to I must have read it four times no desire to drink, but I was afraid my visit had made them very happy. nature has always given me a special through. 1 was going to blow my emotional This pleased me, but as the plane awareness of God and in the past At a party one night, with the top. When the anniversary picnic soared on takeoff over the lovely has made it very easy to meditate. calypso music in the background, an turned out to be three-fourths mar- island I didn’t look back once. Not This was the most beautiful place I elderly British gentleman confided tinis and one-fourth food, I rather even once. had ever seen – and yet for some to me that his wife had made a rudely took a rubber raft and floated D. P. R., Philadelphia, Pa.

February 1968

Four Sober Again

She had had a sober gear once – ten years ago.

But each new morning still challenges, and promises. ..

Honeychild, one thing I have I T WAS four o’clock in the morning, and I had not danced the whole night through. I was four to a meeting and try once more, my father had had it. No one can blame him. managed to do (at a “farm” up in Saratoga County, New York, sevshower when I’m washing my hair), but one gets hungry. The reading went slowly. A man days sober, and trying to sleep at So, sober, I was ordered out of eral years ago) is kick pills. I may sat down beside me and asked if I home, in my father’s small apart- the house at four AM. yet, by the grace of God as mani- were job-hunting. Stunned at his ment. He’s eighty-seven. My father I had four dollars on me, which fested in AA (one of his greater prescience, I said yes. H e told me in began to cry. I suggested, it seemed an AA friend had slipped in my works, like one star differing from colorful terms that I had one if I to me reasonably and gently, that denim-apron pocket in an elevator. another in glory), manage to kick wanted it, and I said I’d call a cop. we had better try to get a night’s (Actually, it had been a five-dollar liquor. But cigarettes I must have. (Thank God I’m not a cop-fighter. sleep. bill, and one had already gone for So I moved to the vast waiting I adore New York’s finest, and in The heavens fell. aspirin.) But the future loomed room, spent a dime on the New happier days used to take my I had just had my forty-eighth dark, as I was jobless and had no York Times, and tried to read. I daughter, who is now a mother, birthday, which I celebrated by go- bank account and the wealthy had a tentative plan -to go over to down to West Twelfth Street to ing to the Open Door meeting, two friends were becoming bored and Bickford’s Employment Office on watch the mounted police ride off blocks from the frowzy hotel where the poor friends needed their petty Seventh Avenue near Thirty-Fourth in the early morning. I still think my poor father had been living for cash for urgent reasons of their own. and apply for a job as a waitress. New York’s mounted policemen are the past thirty years. Although I So I walked to Grand Central One can always sleep in the ladies’- the most beautiful men in the world, was happy about the fact that I had Station and sat down in the ladies’- room lounge (no, I don’t smoke but then my great-grandmother was actually managed, once more, to room lounge. when I’m sleeping, and that’s the a Dougherty.) The pest moved off. pull out of an appalling tear and get There were no ashtrays. only time I don’t – I smoke in the Time passed. And then – it is,

and I sat there actually grateful that Greater New York has ever poured I looked so frightful: dirty blue me a free cup of coffee. God is indenim apron, a ragged cardigan of deed good, and, although this is a my father’s with all but one button simple story, advancing no theory, missing, a smashed kneecap leaking it might not be inappropriate for me through a bandage, and, best of all, to set down what are, for me, the a cut over one eye which had be- three most important and the most come infected, with another leak beautiful words in the program: that was gently coagulating on the Came to Believe. eyelashes of the right eye. At nine I tore upstairs next door The American aristocrats moved to Bickford’s hiring hall (it really off, and a man opposite, who had opens at six if anyone is interested) been watching me closely during this and was turned down for lack of brief agony, smiled and got up and experience. It was a Tuesday. The moved toward me. At such a point, inexperienced are hired only on wild thoughts run through one’s Mondays, when they’re desperate. head, like: All is lost anyway, is So I started walking. By this time, there money in it, why not, what’s of course, the bars were open and I the difference? But there was a dif- had three dollars and change left, ference, because in a voice like but – and it amazes me – I just Patton’s at the Battle of the Bulge I didn’t feel like having a drink. If I barked: “Back!” And he backed. had, I would have had one – it’s a It now seemed to me it was time simple program -but I didn’t. I . even in recollection, incredible one of my classmates from a small, private elementary school appeared, for a change of scene. So I spent twenty cents on subway fare, shuttled to Times Square 1 I walked. This, on a smashed kneecap, and I said smashed. And in my haste to leave my poor, weeping, phone the Grapevine under the impression that it was the AA Private Detective Service. Not a bad idea. arm in arm with her husband, an and crashed down to Thirty-Fourth I outraged, desperate father, I had of And he practically wept with relief ‘ editor of Fortune Magazine, and her Street on the local. By this time it course forgotten the aspirin. when he saw me, and begged me t o youngest daughter. She had no was seven o’clock, so I had only two By noon, it was no longer funny. forgive him and kiss him. My makeup on; she didn’t need it, the hours to kill till the Employment I Also, my aged father and I are mother’s in heaven, I am his only tan was that perfect. She had no Ofice at Bickford’s opened, and I very much alike. It’s the old story: child, and even if I am a chronic jewelry on; she didn’t need it, the decided to kill them at Childs’, go Whenever you call anyone names, alcoholic whom many consider ‘ dress was that good. I suppose for broke, and have a breakfast it’s yourself you’re talking to. His hopeless (but I refuse to), I guess they’d been in for a dentist appoint- special, 896. Most beautiful meal I wild temper, like mine, has its other I’m better than nothing. ment or a theater or something and ever ate in my life, at the counter, aspects -he’s a warm-hearted per- So I had a bite of lunch and a were taking an early-morning train and the counterman – who was I son, as, with all my faults, am I. nap, and then I made it over to the back to the Connecticut countryside. nobody’s fool, bless him -let me So I went back to the bed-sitter and Old Twenty-Fourth Street Women’s God knows. sit there for two hours and even peeked in. Lucky I did so. Eight Group (two o’clock on Tuesdays), God is also good; she didn’t rec- poured me a second cup of coffee hours alone, and he was phoning all and it was a smash. Helen, the secognize me. There are sweet uses of for free. It is the only time in my I New York, and (this is rather a retary, is a remarkable young womi adversity, as the poet reminds us, life that any waiter or waitress in sweet one) he was just about to an, and the speaker was one who,

when she had finished, left a giant The work arrived, and it was a very question: Trouble? What’s that? healthy object. lesson to me on what Never heard of it. We lingered over I must have put others through coffee, and then the speaker taxied when I was drinking on the job. downtown, and Helen, complete There was nothing I could do but with two miniature white poodles proof and edit the labels. They were with diamond-studded collars and already pasted on, and the rest of Mark Cross leashes, drove me them lost. But the proofing and across town in her own car. (This editing itself was a labor worthy of bit about the Old Twenty-Fourth Samuel Johnson’s dictionary crew. Street Clubhouse being a lower And this was just on a secretarial depth feeds me a bit. Yes, there are level. What must it have been roaches, but then, as my favorite like for the top brass as they sat drugstore clerk, a White Russian and waited for my immortal prose, who knows his Tchaikovsky, once and the deadline approached, a p said to me: “What is home without proached, approached. . . ? a roach?” And besides, obviously, And there went the rest of the such things are so secondary.) twenty-four hours, on schedule, and Back at the bed-sitter, the phone happy. By midnight it was done. I rang. It was Thea, an Al-Anon hurled myself on my folding cot whom I had met at the local doc- my aged parent was already asleep tor’s, where a fellow group member on his ditto – and slept. had taken me for penicillin for the At four o’clock sharp, the weepkneecap. Thea had a problem. The ing began again. But this time I alcoholic to whom she had farmed held my peace. I remembered someout some high-fashion typing, enve- thing that my original sponsor told lopes, labels, and lists, a rush pro- me ten years ago, which was when motion job, had instantly gotten I had my one and only year of soblotto, and it was due the next briety, my only AA birthday: morning. Could I? Would I? She “There’s only one thing worse than was hesitant – she had not known being an alcoholic, Joni, and that’s me when, but she had known the having to live with one.” name. And then she added, “I won’t So I lit a cigarette and picked up tell who typed it.” She knew the job a book, prepared for the worst. was for an extremely successful Sometimes it goes on for hours. younger woman who had been what (Don’t worry-he won’t read this.) in the Paris salons they call my But God is good; after a few min- ‘lapin de couloir before the fall. (We utes, he turned over and went back call it errand-girl.) to sleep, and so did I. “Tell her what you please,” I Joy comes in the morning. said, delighted at anything to do. loni R., Manhattan, N . Y .

March 1968

Name

You M Y N A M E is Irma and I am not an alcoholic. I am married to one. A kind, thoughtful, sensitive ment overflowed into everything they did or even thought. They had nothing on me. I resented having to resentment? I am not the only wife who had to go back to work. There are countless women who, because man. A man whose family comes go out to work to keep the family of illness in the family, business colfirst. A man who is interested in his together. I resented the fact that I lapses, unemployment, employment don’t need children’s welfare. A man who worcouldn’t entertain friends at home or that doesn’t meet all the needs of the ries about money matters, about balancing the budget. A man who is go out to friends’ homes. I resented family, or a host of other reasons, bent on repaying his debts. Sound the uncounted nights I walked the have had to find work to supplement to be an like an alcoholic? Well, he is one floor, waiting and worrying. I re- their income. Why should I have in AA – and therein is the miracle. sented the fact that the children been more resentful than they are? didn’t really have a father. I re- The “entertaining friends” resent- But this is not to be the tale of his alcoholic battle with the bottle. It is the story sented the fact that the children ment, on inspection, looked really could not bring their pals home or stupid. It was remarkable, when at of my struggle with my own peculi- live lives like other children. I re- last I discussed this problem with arities. to get I can recall being desperately sented the condescending attitude of friends and relatives. I resented havclose friends, how very understanding most of them were. How silly it grateful when my husband stopped ing no money; I even resented Alco- is to think that our friends are going drinking. Is there a paradox in that holics Anonymous because it didn’t to stop being our friends because resentments. description of my feelings? A con- stop my partner’s drinking (right our partner is an alcoholic. I realize tradiction? Not at all. All my emo- off). Resentments? I had them all. now that a good deal of this resenttions were desperate. The word Finally I was willing to look at ment stemmed from pride. Pride – But it helps “desperate” itself comes from “de- my resentments one at a time. Now, there’s a lovely emotion! It’s so hard spair,” and that is what somehow how about the “having to work” to be humble. I think that, of all seems eventually to color all our to use emotions. Hate, for instance, is a desperate emotion. I hated. How can you hate someone you love? I AA did. How can you want to hurt someone you love? I did. I built up a set of resentments on them that could have been the envy of any alcoholic at his worst. I have so often heard alcoholics say how resent-

emotions, pride is the most destruc- What about boys overseas? – and spade out your own resentments, to my doctor: He was sympathetic, tive. many, many more. Was I any worse you realize how wearing old grudges and because of this, I suspect, I was How about the “going to parties” off than they? are. I look back now, and I know able to find solace in my diseases. resentment? I would say that here Then there is the “The children that 1 started to feel so much more During all this time, of course, I pride was again the prime factor, don’t have a father” complaint. It useful and to look at life with a new wasn’t helping anybody, least of all but another emotion entered: the has taken me a long time to realize perspective as soon as I began to myself. desire for sympathy. What is it how much I played on that. How get rid of resentment. And this Finally, I had what I am sure is about human beings that makes many children literally do not have quite wonderful state of affairs came comparable to the alcoholic’s “spirithem both want and dislike having fathers? How many children have through my association with AA as tual experience.” When my husband people feel sorry for them? It seems fathers who behave a great deal I, too, tried to live a day at a time. had a slip to end all slips, I seemed we seek sympathy, but hate to have worse than my children’s father did? As partners of alcoholics, we non- able to face up to the problem withanyone know it. If we take the trou- He was a sick alcoholic -so what alcoholics can and should, I think, out going off half-cocked. I did not ble to look around, we can find in- else is new? – as they say in their use as many of the Twelve Steps as have the same attitude as before. numerable people in deep difficulty teenage way. possible. The Steps are a way of life The children and I were able to talk. who do not give in to this emotion The “money”‘ resentment! The suited not just to alcoholics, but to I spoke freely to my AA friends and, as a result, are happy. More grocery bill could not be paid, but anyone with life problems. about the problem. important, they make those around Dad somehow found the cash to get I imagine, that it is obvious that One big thing never to forget: them happy. his hooch. This is the one that I at one time I was a first-class neu- Don’t expect an alcoholic to become We then have the “walking the found very difficult to eradicate. rotic. My specialty was hypochon- an angel overnight. Alcoholics don’t floor and worrying” resentment. However, getting rid of other resent- dria: I can remember having a gall- become angels, and neither will we. What about parents with a sick ments seemed to make this one fade bladder condition, arthritis, pleurisy, We all have human failings and child, a wife with a dying husband? out somewhat. Once you are able to migraine headache, cancer, and sev- character defects. Just because the What about those without incomes? look at yourself squarely and try to eral other things. Psychologically, in drinking has stopped doesn’t mean this way we are trying to draw atten- there will be no more problems. tion away from the alcoholic and to- Daily life goes on. But thank God wards ourselves. We want sympathy. for the precious gift of sobriety All of my ailments, needless to say, which has given this family a fresh were denied by my physician. There start. was one saving grace in those visits Irma, Montreal, Quebec

March 1968

r “

Old-timer’s lament there is a certain percentage of old- lament, enjoys a sort of status in timers who behave this way, but we AA, but I’m betting that most of us should try to understand them, too would rather be just one of the – perhaps their egos were too bad- gang. (Can’t we please join AA?) Do I Have Problems? ly mutilated ever to be patched up The old-timer must play a role i again. But it seems to me it would which can be demanding and fright- The red carpet’s o u t for. t h e newcomer. belie the effectiveness and work- ening. He must personify the pro- / ability of the program if the major- gram at its highest level,, have the What’s o u t f o r I

ity were guilty. answer to every question; and have t h e old-timer? The red carpet is rolled out for achieved total self-mastery -what- Well, n o w . . . the newcomer and the struggling ever that is. And he is not free to slippee (and let’s never change that), throw out a problem at the discus- ‘ but the old-timer is relegated to a sion table, for he has none. A big back seat to bask in his own glory. order for an ex-drunk, a very hu- I N NOVEMBER of this year, God willing the cork stays in, I’ll celebrate my twenty-sccond anni- The old-timer is often regarded, albeit affectionatcly, as a square, an old fuddy-duddy with outdated man, very fallible, and often very frightened ex-drunk. Don’t get me wrong – again. I’m versary in AA. not trying to reconstruct a program Several years ago, while going ideas, very much as a teenager regards his forty- or fifty-year-old that is so dear to my heart. Please through a difficult period (perhaps God it remains as changeless as its the most difficult in my AA life), I parents. We understand this, but we : have not only the right but the ob- cornerstone, truth. But you want to ran into a young-timer who also was beset with problems. At first she ligation to speak the truth as we know something? We old-timers do stood in awe of me as a hallowed have learned it. We, too, have felt understand. We do love you. We do the sting of the chastening rod and know a thing or two. And we d o creature who, because I was an have .rebelled. We, too, had to have problems. old-timer, ha$ been miraculously learn that group welfare and group So won’t you try to be patient released from any capacity for suffering. Later on, she got around to conscience must come before our with us? After all, you, too,. will unburdening herself. She said to me, I own ego satisfaction. We, too, had become an old-timer if you live long “It’s okay for you, you’ve got it to learn that grow we must, for enough. made. What problem could you pos- I growth is peace. And may the road rise with you. I The old-timer, to go on with my C. J. R., Manhattan, N . Y . sibly have?” I adjusted my halo and said nothing. I find this kind of thinking quite prevalent in groups, and I feel that in many ways the old-timer is misunderstood. We’re bleeding deacons, throw our weight around, want to run the show, impose our views on others, forget the days when we were new, ad infinitum. Assuredly,

May 1968

think of it, who was more important? All of me or all of them? (You can imagine the answer I came up with.) Oh, Still, through all this painful period of “growth” I did learn one terrible truth: People outside AA Lonesome are pretty nice and loving and understanding, just as people in AA are – and, often, more mature. Aside from that, over this period of a year I managed to accumulate a good number of friends – even women friends. I even went to coflooking stranger. Then I’d “ar- fees and teas and, heaven forbid, range” myself nearby, waiting for sewing groups! my cue. Eventually, if I wasn’t picky Well, believe it or not, I finally (and I never wasj, a cue came and discovered that 1 was enjoying these I’d casually toss into the conversa- “outsiders” – these people who An AA Loner in Africa finds there are tion the remark that I was alco- “didn’t understand” -and that they holic. Then I’d get an eager, casual, also seemed to enjoy me. They lots of pretty nice people around astounded, frightened, bored, or didn’t even think I was too terribly disinterested “Oh, really.” Depend- weird. Some of them were good and ing on what type of answer I got honest and fine and true-blue and ‘VE NOTICED that a good deal of (well, to tell the truth, I’d take any upstanding. I would go around say- I learned that when I did that with emphasis lately has been placed “normal” people they thought I was on Loners. Well, since I’ve been a nuts! old kind of answer), I’d tell my fascinating tale of alcoholism, Alcoing, “You don’t look like a nonalcoholic,” and they’d smile and say, Loner for the past nineteen months, holics Anonymous, and alcoholics “Well, all nonalcoholics aren’t on I might also add that I have to I personally think this is a good associate with those “outsiders” in general. If my listener wasn’t in- skid row, you know!” Remarkable! idea. We need attention, pity, loving who “don’t understand” – or else terested in what I had to say, I Seriously, when a person such as tender care, and a lot of back- associate with no one but me. Well, usually decided he must belong in me finds herself a Loner, there is a patting. Why? You really want to much as I love me, my company that third category. reason for it, a “master plan,” so to know? Then, when the game began to speak. As a member of an AA has a tendency to bore me no end Well, in the first place, I have after a minute or so of unbridled pall (took about a year), I started group, I probably would never have nobody to call on the telephone and self-pity and resentment. wondering what was wrong with me found one world for myself, but gripe to about the fact that I’m Not only that, but I can’t go to -aside from being alcoholic. Well, would have continued to have two simply going out of my mind with meetings. There aren’t any! So what it was pretty obvious, as most of my worlds: the world of AA and the the children, the housework, the do I do? Well, at first, when I’d faults are. I was trying to integrate world outside AA. So God felt that pressure, the husband, or what- join a group of people, I’d eagerly society into my world of alcoholism, I needed to learn to “integrate into have-you. I can’t do it because I search the room for a sympathetic- , rather than to integrate myself into society.” society. After all, when you really I was one of those people who

use AA as an escape -as a crying to take advantage of a gift so nicely post and a haven from the trials of given. the everyday world. AA isn’t that at In truth, my Lonership has been all. It is a way of life, and its prin- happy and profitable, a smooth time ciples should be incorporated into -for me, that is. I can’t speak for all my life. I do think, and truly all my “normal” friends. I’ve a hope, that when the time comes for feeling they will never be quite me to be back among my AA normal again. To have a practicing friends, I will no longer “use” them, alcoholic in their midst would be but make them a part of my whole bad enough. But to have a recoverlife. At least, at this point I feel that ing alcoholic wandering around I was placed as a Loner to learn among them must be a real trauma. this lesson. It would be a shame not Janet V.,Blantyre, Malawi

June 1968

That Happy, Happy First Meeting She looked it up in the directory and took a bus, alone, not knowing what to expect

a man announced

I S OLEMNLY, from the podium, “You -the newcomer -you are the lifeblood was all about. In fact, I had some faint idea that I’d learn to drink sensibly at AA. Slowly. Intelligently. feeding them black coffee? I arrived a few minutes before meeting time and identified myself heartedness, their friendly acceptance of me. I loved AA during the meeting; I loved it better as I rode ‘ of this meeting.” When I lived near the East Coast, as a newcomer. (Good for me! That home well-escorted. Me? Poor sick me? If they were on a small farm, just ten minutes’ helped.) New hope dawned at once. They dropped me off at my doorcounting on me for any healthy life- drive from nearly a dozen bars, I These people spoke my language. I step. Even had I wished for a drink, blood, any strength, any enthusiasm, needed AA, but never got to it. warmed to them more and more. I would have had no opportunity to they were going to be disappointed. Following the death of my hus- After doughnuts and more coffee, buy one. But fortunately they didn’t insist I band, I flew out to Los Angeles to a blond girl said, “Are you driv- “See you next meeting?” the girl talk. So I drank coffee in half-dazed help keep house for my brother, ing?” called back. silence. Just a few days out of the whose wife was ill. I was little help “No,” I told her. “I used the “Of course.” How could they hospital and scarcely over the to him. One cocktail on the plane Wilshire Boulevard bus.” doubt I’d stick with AA? shakes, I did grasp some of the got me back into the drinking rou- “Blackie,” she said to a pleasant- So I lost my love for alcohol. I messages given that night. Enough. tine again. It took a short visit to looking man, “shouldn’t someone gained a new love, Alcoholics God was helping these people an L.A. hospital for me to run into drive her home?” Anonymous. The new love may stay sober, I discovered. “God help any specific information about AA. L’S~re,’7he said. have chased the old love from my me, too,” I said in my heart. “Let Then a visit to the AA Central Of- “Shall I – or will you?” heart, as happens in young romance. me, too, lose my craving for alco- fice in that area gave me my meeting “We both will,” he said. Evident- I haven’t returned to drinking in . hol.” So my new sobriety began. directory. ly they both had cars, so he drove these five years. Coming slowly out of a fog, I had Frightened, strange, and desperate his, and the lady went along. Some of my AA experiences have taken our first three Steps, though I in this big, sprawled-out city, I “This is nice,” she said, taking a been pink-cloud bliss. Some have wasn’t aware of this glorious truth caught a bus, asked many questions long breath. “It’s such a beautiful been slow torture. But every day has until later. of the patient driver, then settled night” (as though we were all doing been interesting so long as I share During my twenty-five years of back and wondered what I’d be get- her a favor). my strength and hope with other drinking, no one ever offered to ting into. Many drunks trying to Since that night I’ve uttered many alcoholics – and remember to be a take me to an AA meeting, and I sober up? Stretched out on two prayers of gratitude for these two little grateful. didn’t know what the Fellowship chairs or on the floor? With others people – their kindness, their light- D . C., Los Angeles, Calif. I

July 1968 ‘<* t

– Big Book Stories – Updated

After Twenty-Nine Years The author’s story, “Women Sufler Too,” appears on page 222 o f the Hers was the first woman’s story in the Big Book; revised edition o f Alcoholics Anonymous, published in 1955. after three decades, AA is still her spiritual home

assurance that I would be able to side it. The feeling of warmth, of ceive) from AA is the knowledge of stay away from drinking. love and understanding, of ac- where and how to draw the strength In 1968 I feel no different about ceptance and belonging that I get at and flexibility to meet problems. the Twelve Steps. They did give me a meeting is to me one of the great My life seems made up of problems, what I needed to stay away from rewards of being in AA. It is a rare but I have learned that I am not drinking. Within a few years I came thing we have, which the nonalco- unique, that life in general is just to realize they had given me far holic world rarely experiences. It that. Problems and strain and stress more than that: a glimpse at some- makes me know how lucky we are the stuff of life in our times, and thing I had never known – peace really are. my AA-given philosophy helps me In my working life, my personal to accept this and to live with it. T ODAY, as in April 1939 when I attended my first meeting, the Twelve Steps are to me the heart of of mind, a sense of being comfortable with myself and with the world in which I lived, and a host of other life, and my spiritual life (which last I owe to AA, for I did not Each day is a new one, and I try to meet it that way, as if each day I, the AA program. By the time I things which could be summed up have it before), I find the Twelve too, were fresh and new. The 24gathered up courage to attend a as a sense of growth, both emotional Steps a nearly constant guide. I hour plan gave me this outlook, and meeting, I had read the Big Book and spiritual. carry them in my wallet. I refer to each day it confirms me in my three times. And I had studied Always, to me, meetings have them – to particular Steps that effort to make it real for myself. several hundred times the pages been important. They renew the in- meet a particular need -with regu- Twenty-nine years later I feel as containing the Twelve Steps and the spiration I felt at my first one. They larity. deeply immersed in AA thinking suggestions on how to use them. remind me of whence I came, and The Serenity Prayer runs through and the AA way of life as I did at They didn’t seem easy to me-they how near I will always be to that my life like a litany; I find myself the outset. For me it is increasingly didn’t even seem simple, in spite of twilight world of drinking. Most of using it on a vast variety of occa- necessary as I grow older. And it is their clarity of language. But I was all, they bring me in contact with sions to meet a vast variety of always there for me, just as it has eager to go to work on all of them, my friends and introduce me to new problems. always been since I first found it. for they seemed to me the key to ones – in my case, because I travel Perhaps the greatest thing I have For this I daily thank God. that which I so desperately needed: a lot, all over this country and out- received (and still constantly re- Marty M., Manhattan, N . Y .

July 1968

gan taking sleeping pills to forget sheets, lulled to sleep by tranquilthe loneliness and to sleep. izers or barbiturates. Life was rosy, When I heard that Daddy had and I loved to sleep. I slept four quit drinking, I was inwardly happy, years of my life away, while friends but I shoved the feeling aside with took care of my children, kept my a pretense of indifference, seasoned house, did my laundry and ironing, with bitterness and fear. I was and fed my husband. afraid to hope -afraid to care. He The inevitable happened: a danand had quit before! So I put on an air gerous overdose. Stomach pumped of nonchalance, and took more pills -pain! Fear, recovery, remorse. , to go to sleep. But months passed Back home, I knew someone was Off Pills and he continued to stay sober. AA out to get me. I lost my sense of had happened to him. Today he is equilibrium and couldn’t seem to Ten Days still sober, and has been for ten keep my feet on the floor. I had to years, with the exception of one slip. hide bruises and cuts that I inflicted I was seventeen when I floated upon myself in my drugged awkdown the aisle on my father’s arm, wardness. My doctor delicately in a wedding gown. I was wheeled suggested a psychiatrist, so I moved out of the delivery room nine and a to another town and found another She ran from a drunken father into a nightmare half months later – again floating, doctor. I lived in a constant nightmare of pills and booze . . . and lost her own children . . . from the effects of medication, and extremely proud of my new baby for the next two years. The begingirl. ning of the end came when I My life was a ritual of destructive couldn’t get any more pills. I had repetition from that time on. I took started going to a psychiatrist after Y N A M E is Joyce. I am twenty- was fourteen, after I moved out of M six years old, and have been off pills and alcohol for ten days as I a two-room farmhouse that my mother, my father, and seven of us pills to sleep, pills for new-mother all, but he was exhausted and recblues, pills for nerves. Two years ommended a state mental institulater, I gave birth to a beautiful tion. I refused to go – and began write this. My friends and neighbors kids called home. I called it hell. I baby boy. I should have been hap- drinking. That was something that once would have said I was one of had to get away from the destruc- py, but I cried a lot and took pills I had sworn I would never do. I the happiest people in the world. tion created by an alcoholic father for hysteria. would never be “like Daddy”! But Me, Joyce, with my fingers in every- -then a “no-good drunk” to me. The shakes’and hallucinations be- I had to have something. So I thing: Sunday-school teacher, youth I moved to town and found a gan about a year later, accompanied drank, quite discreetly. I wasn’t director, always smiling, always part-time job. To pay my rent, I by lies and stealing. I had to have proud of it. laughing, the girl everyone loved cleaned the house where I lived. more pills. I was. seeing three or My husband was pleased with my because she was so lovable. Days weren’t so bad; I went to four doctors at a time and buying or “success” at breaking the pill habit. I was far from happy. My hus- school and kept to myself. Nights stealing bottles at the drugstore. He was unaware of the liquor that band and children could have told were terrible. I was lonely; I wanted Then came the first of a series o f ‘ filled the bubble-bath decanter, or you that. to go home; but the ever-burning forty-seven trips to the hospital. I the bottle tucked carefully under the I was an addicted pill taker even memories quenched that desire spent nine to seventeen days a mattress. I took two sleeping pills I before I married. It started when I quickly. In utter desperation, I be- month tucked between .sterile at night for appearance’ sake, and

“Help me! Oh God, help me! took pills, and sniffed glue for a ing reservations, instead of being Don’t leave me alone. I can’t stand delirious period of sixty days. The honest. I got too self-sufficient and this loneliness. My own children sheriff asked me to leave the state. forgot that I was dependent on a don’t even want me.” I did. It was only twenty-one miles Power greater than myself. The I stayed drunk for almost sixty to the state line. I had no home, no craving and the shaking started days, and sobered up to find I had job, no money. I lived wherever once again. I had trouble controlling no family. My husband had taken anyone would have me. I didn’t my emotions, indulged in an insane me home to my parents -perhaps need money to drink. After another argument, and ended up with thirmy father would know what to do overdose of pills, I sobered up in teen stitches in my scalp and a with a drunk. jail. I had evidently been in a fight minor brain concussion. I took pills It had been only ten short years with someone and I was a bloated, for the pain, and stayed on them for since I had walked out on him, be- bloody mess. I spent eight days thirty days. I lost seventeen pounds waited in impatient agony until he cause he was in about the same there, until my mind cleared some- and suffered terrible blackouts. went to sleep so I could drink my- shape that I was in now. what, and then I returned to AA. Now I am somewhat alone. Yet self to blessed oblivion. Nights when “Someone -help me!” My husband divorced me, and not alone. I have Alcoholics Anony- I carelessly ran out of liquor, I This was how I found Alcoholics the children went with him. I could mous – where people simply like .

paced the floor like a caged animal. Anonymous, and this was how they hardly live with the overwhelming me and understand me. When they I ran low more and more fre- accepted me. My father took me to flood of guilt and remorse. Why did cannot understand me, they accept quently. The liquor didn’t satisfy the my first meeting. I scarcely remem- I continue to do the very things I me anyway. These are my kind of nagging, burning need. I ran my ber it. I smelled from being sick all despised myself for? people. fingers frantically through my hair, over myself. I was forty pounds At the end of six months’ sobri- I live each day with a little less pulling it out in handfuls, not even overweight. ety, my children were given back to fear and a little more faith. feeling the pain. I shook uncon- That was just before Christmas of me. I cried happy tears that Sixty miles away are two small trollably, and my insides were tied 1966. I spent Christmas Day with streamed down my face and min- children who need a mother. 1 am in knots. I fought hallucinations and my children, but they were afraid of gled with theirs. . . . That would be trying to make myself worthy of tried to think with a mind that me. I was a quivering mass of a good place to end my story. But it them and capable of caring for vacillated until I feared for my nerves, drifting around like a ghost. does not end there. them. sanity. I wandered off alone, and soon I I had had my children for six I can live. I can hope. I can pray. I promised my babies feeble, was in the bathroom emptying the weeks when I began to get too busy I can wait. The AA way -twentyfairyland fantasies that could never medicine cabinet of aspirin and any- to ask God for help. I started hav- four hours at a time. come true. I felt them slip out of my thing else on hand. I . L., Liberal, Kans. off-balance embrace and saw them After the first of the year, I atwipe a drunken kiss from their tended every AA meeting I could faces. get to, and managed six weeks of “Mommy doesn’t smell good, continuous sobriety. The nights Sissy,” were long, and filled with night- “She’s sick, I told you.” mares, but I wouldn’t bend my “Oh?” foolish, stubborn pride and call They went quietly to play, with someone to talk to me. I suffered questions written all over their in- severe depressions – and finally I nocent faces. resorted to drinking again. I drank,

August 1 9 6 8

TOOK that first drink at seven- drunk, I called AA the next mom- day at a time. I learned the Serenity I teen and stayed drunk for four years. ing. I had fears of getting divorced and losing my children, but I went Prayer, how to read again as a child would and listen to the members I ran away to the big city of to meetings for about three months. with open-mindedness, tolerance, Chicago and, after working as a Then I thought I was still too and respect. dice girl, started work as a stripper young, and too dumb, and so I My home life improved. All my MY because of my high cost of living mainly the cost of booze. At first I dropped out for three more years of hell. needs were met. Self-respect returned. My whole life changed. I drank whiskey two-fisted, then any- One day, as I was about to get was asked to accept responsibilities thing with alcohol in it. My inferi- drunk, I talked to an aunt, telling that no one would ever have had a ority complex, mixed with not being her my domestic troubles. She asked second thought about giving me if I what happened to AA. Somehow I Name able to accept the idea of being a stripper, was in back of my getting didn’t take that first drink, but had been drunk: as baby-sitter, volunteer worker, coffee-maker, secredrunk every day for four years – a called our downtown office instead, tary, chairman, and decent wife and living hell when you’re only eight- and found that the group I had been mother. Thank God for AA. een, nineteen, twenty, and twenty- attending was, sure enough, still Those guys and gals I worked one years old. there with the door open! I started with in nightclubs were mostly very I was jailed twice. Beaten up sneaking to meetings, paying a unhappy people. Some committed numerous times. Lost job after job. baby-sitter twenty-five cents an suicide. Some ended on skid row I traveled the states, but didn’t stay hour when I could get some money before they were thirty years old. sober. Long-distance calls, dt’s, and from my husband. (His trust in me God knows where some of them loss of self-respect were my life. I had gone down the drain.) are. How I pray they’ll read my hit bottom at twenty-five after try- I learned I didn’t have to take a story and know there is a new way ing marriage, having children, and drink if I asked God for help in the of life. trying to stop drinking on my own. morning, and took the program one 1. C.,Wayne, Mich. I felt I was ready for the mental hospital, but always put off getting some kind of help till tomorrow. I attended a movie called 1’11 Cry Tomorrow. I didn’t know what kind of a movie it was, but the name AA stuck in my mind. After a real good

September 1968 2 e

– Big Book Stories – Updated

So Changed Life The author’s story, “Fear o f Fear,” “AA has taught us to be grateful . . . appears on page 330 o f the revised the one thing neither edition o f Alcoholics Anonymous, published in 1955. o f U S k n e w . . .”

Now, after these happy years, a receptionist at my age was some- panky was new. The thing that what do we have? thing. It was fun, not much money really concerned me was the fact We still, thank God, have each and-not much work, but fun. that the people did not believe me other. Through the advertising-agency at all times. When I called to say AA has taught us to be grateful. work, I gained enough confidence I was sick, I really was sick. The That sounds trite, but gratitude is to look for a job that would mean other gals sort of snickered at me the one thing neither one of us more responsibility and thus a bet- when I said, “I do not tell lies.” 1 knew before AA. ter salary. I came to my present do love my workaday life, and I Our families can trust us again. job and have been here for almost know if I had tried it about nine- As for our friends, most of them, eight years, getting advancements teen years ago, I would not have each year. After I had been here a had the serenity to take it as I do

w HAT a change in our lives since that day eighteen years ago when George and I came into AA! We were two spiritually, with the exception of our church friends, are in our Fellowship. And what friends! Physically, we are in better shape (and I do mean shape) than when few months, George also got started again in his profession. Working has been quite an experience for me. I had always done now. Friends ask us why we continue to go to meetings, do Twelfth Step work, and speak at other groups. mentally, and physically beaten we came in-two shaky, befuddled volunteer work at my children’s They ask, “Isn’t eighteen years people. Our children were ashamed people. schools, our church, and our AA enough time to prove you have the of us; our family did not want any My life has completely changed. Intergroup office; but getting along alcoholic problem licked?” My part of us. Our drinking friends (the George found it tough going finan- with people who were my bosses answer is always the same: that I only ones we had) were almost as cially for quite a while, so my gals and were paying me good money love my AA. It is the one fellowfar gone as we were, so we were in AA asked me why I did not find was a new and, for me, a frighten- ship that has given us our lives, two lost lambs-more like goats, I myself a job. For years, I had been ing thing. My AA principles had to freedom, and happiness. We are not would say. We were afraid of ask- a housewife, with absolutely no be applied not just one day at a reformed drunks-but informed aling anyone for help (if we even knowledge of office work. One of time, but every minute of each hour. coholics. knew we needed help), fed up with our AA gals got me a start in one The politics of an office were I know to whom I owe my gratieach other, ready to call the whole of the very swanky advertising strange to me. I have always been tude: my fellow members of AA. thing off, without the strength to agencies, as a receptionist. Not honest in all my dealings, even I hope I shall never forget to be know where to look for help. much was required of me, but to be while drinking, but this office hanky- grateful. C. F., Manhattan, N.Y.

September 1968

‘Darling

For a while – in AA – a week, to ease tension at bedtime. sometimes triple, and sometimes I holics because they are mood- Phenobarbital always handy, in lost count. changers.” she w a s never without case that after-dinner brandy or I began to feel the same affection Then I thought, “What’s so them, until o n e d a y evening highball ( I always thought for my pill bottle that I had felt wrong about changing a lousy in ones) made my heart race. But for my gin or bourbon bottle. And, mood? Especially if one is des h e heard t h e w o r d liquor was my hang-up. I did not strangely enough, I began having pressed or jittery, sleepless too toss pills into my mouth indiscrim- side effects similar to getting drunk. many nights, worried, tense, all ‘dishonest’ After a day’s overdose of pills, my those things. And more especially inately, nor combine booze and pills to get a countdown to a bigger ‘ speech thickened and I slurred my if one has valiantly kicked the al- N M Y early life, pills were things blast-off. words. My motor activities became cohol habit.” I that grown-ups swallowed for Finally, my alcohol problem bevarious disorders. In fact, pills came so severe that a doctor put quite undependable. I fell down steps, sober. When I walked, I I kept taking the tranquilizers, but now I felt guilty about it. In were a source of amusement in my me on tranquilizers and told me to “listed” like a sailor walking a deck spite of myself, my ears listened at family, that is, among the non-pill- cut down on drinking. I’ve heard in a high sea. Also, I carried the meetings when pills were discussed. takers, for my grandmother and my both doctors and laymen say that a darling little pills with me wherever Reluctantly, I began to admit that father were always gulping down combination of tranquilizers and I went, just in case an emergency the pills might be preventing emosome kind of pill. Upon occasion, liquor can be deadly. Perhaps it is, arose. In fact, the pills were like tional growth, maybe even mental should one of them run out of his for some, but I only felt more re- Mary’s little lamb, going with me growth. Then in one of our books I own pills, he would borrow from laxed and less guilty about all the everywhere. And my mind was just came across a line stating that the the other, whether the medication drinks I was “trying” to cut down about as sharp as Mary’s lamb’s. taking of any sort of mood- or was pertinent or not. These nos- on. This cutting-down didn’t work. I was well on my way to a hard- mind-changing pill was dishonest. trums were presumably harmless It never does. So I bravely volun- core addiction when I happened to For days afterward that word (unless one got hooked on Lydia teered for AA, with several people pick up and read the AA pamphlet haunted me. Dishonest. I, who had Smasher’s tonic, or Blaster’s liver behind me pushing me. on sedatives and tranquilizers. After always prided myself on my honpills). These nonprescriptive drugs, I stopped drinking; I stopped reading it I thought, “So that’s the esty, drunk or sober, was now dis- e

however, were not of the mind- taking sleeping pills; but I did not hitch. These pills are bad for alco- honest. ( I forgot that I was never altering or mood-changing variety. stop the tranquilizers. My prescrip- Therein, for me as an alcoholic, tion read: three a day and one at lies the difference between one kind bedtime. This had been enough and another. when I was drinking, but now, , Until a few months before I came sober, my frazzled nerves screeched to AA, I had no real pill problem, for more and more tranquilizing. So I thought. Sleeping pills a fkw times I u a ~x ~ ethed ~ i l \intake: double.

very honest about my drinking with took them “as needed.” In time, I anyone.) Anyhow, one morning I began digging into the Twelve woke up and acknowledged that I Steps. Funny thing is, all these AA would never learn to cope with methods proved to be the greatest everyday living if I continued to mood-changers and mind-alterers swallow a tranquilizer every time I ever invented for an alcoholic. They had to face a real or an imaginary changed fear to a very real faith, problem. I got out of bed, seized suspicion of people to trust, tension the almost full bottle of pills, to relaxation, guilt to acceptance. flushed every last one of them down Do I sound as if I had it made? the drain, then tore up the label so I don’t feel that way. I am aware I could not get a refill. that the temptation to escape reality For a week after this, I had via pills, even briefly, still exists in fevers and chills and insomnia, but me, despite my devotion to the AA I knew these were withdrawal program. I am aware that the road symptoms and would pass, so I of the pill is the road of madness stuck with it and came through for a recovered alcoholic. I know it sober and with a clear head (and I can lead to a blind and mindless haven’t taken a tranquilizer since). addiction, or it can lead to the I now had to face reality without bottle. Or both. So I must never either alcohol or pills. When I felt become smug, or take my “total” tense or worried, I said the Serenity sobriety (which includes pills) for Prayer. Over and over. It changed granted. One day at a time, I am a my mood better than a pill. It watchdog of my own honesty. For worked faster and lasted longer. me, so far, this works. Then I “bought” the Slogans and F . C., Manhattan, N.Y.

November 1968 f,*

‘L’

An alcoholic’s own story . . . on my bed. The walls would be And then I met a wonderful man transformed into brilliant colors, with whom I fell in love. During our and then the ceiling would come courtship, with a grueling exertion down and the walls would close in of will, I tried hard to be better. Better! The world became a glowing I on me. I don’t know how many And I was, though it was an ordeal thing, a fun thing. Gone were my times I experienced these hallucina- that I wouldn’t wish on my worst shyness and my quiet nature. And tions, for after a while I lost count. enemy. One day he told me he MY the more I drank, the better I felt. Before the dt’s started, I had al- wished to marry me. It was then I was smarter than anyone, could do ready begun to have blackouts. The that I told him all about myself. ‘ things better, was prettier than any nights were few and far between Everything. But h i loved me, and I girl around. when I was sober enough to remem- him, and so we were married. Name During those first months, the fel- ber them after I awoke the next For a little while after we were lows flocked around. I was fun to be morning. married, I continued to be a slightly with. I laughed and joked and sang I was good at my work when better person. But it didn’t last. and made everyone happy, including moderately sober, but one day my Our life together grew worse and Is myself. I never went out, though, with any man who didn’t have sense boss informed me that I was fired. “If you ever straighten out,” he worse. So I decided that I would stop drinking. Just like that! It was enough to take me to a bar or, at worst, a restaurant that served I said, “come back. But not before.” Well, now I had a choice bethen I ‘ first realized that I had a problem. drinks. I wanted to have fun, and tween earning my livelihood or stay- I was !an alcoholic., Maw anyone who wasn’t interested in ing with my now all-important god, For six weeks I went without the showing me a good time could jolly alcohol. I chose alcohol. In the booze. I broke things. I screamed. well get lost. form of brandy. Or wine. Or vanilla I cried. I did everything but climb Well, I graduated. Beer wasn’t extract. Alcohol had become my up the walls, and I think a few times I came close to doing that V IVIDLY, I remember taking that enough any more. It wouldn’t give first drink. I was, at the time, me the extra kick I needed by now. recovering from an unfortunate When I went to work, I had to have higher power. “Alcohol first, other things later” was my motto. I couldn’t live without it. I had to literally. I had heard of an organization marriage. I was given to understand a few before I got down to business. have it. If for some reason I went called Alcoholics ~nonymous,comthat a beer or two wouldn’t hurt me. And a few while I was on the job. for an unduly long time without it, prising mostly, I had surmised, a In fact, it would probably help me And quite a few after work. such as nine or ten hours, I would bunch of nuts. But after six weeks very much. And so I took my very Hangovers, of course, have never be in raving misery until I got it. of hell I was ready to try anything. first drink. I was eightcen years old, cured an alcoholic, and I was no And somehow I always managed to I made the first call to the downand within four months I was a fall- exception. I had a hangover every get it. town office in my city, and asked ingdown drunk. I know now that I morning, because I drank every I Many horrible and degrading for help. The next day two memwas an alcoholic from the very night. things happened to me during my bers came to call on me, and they beginning. And I had delirium tremens. drinking career. And there were took me to an open meeting. I also vividly remember what it Now, if an alcoholic could be scared many terrible things I did while Well, I went to meetings for three did for me. I had always been a shy, out of drinking, delirium tremens under the influence of “friend” al- weeks after that, and tried hard to withdrawn individual. I rapidly dis- would do the trick. Many mornings cohol. Most of them I don’t re- absorb what was said to me. Many covered that with a few beers – (after I had sobered up), little white I member, but other people kindly kindly, dedicated people, all alcowhy, I was just as good as anyone! men would dance on the floor and supplied me with the details. holics who had known the same

suffering that I had gone through, spent two months in a mental hosdid all they possibly could to help pital. I had extensive care, including me. twenty-six shock treatments. And 3 At the end of the third week, I lot of newfound friends from Alwent out and got drunk. I somehow coholics Anonymous. They never managed to get home that day, and stopped coming to see me and never for some reason my mind was still stopped sending cards and letters of functioning well enough. I remem- encouragement. ber thinking that I couldn’t live with It has been a long time now since alcohol and I couldn’t live without I have had a drink. Sure, there are it. I could see no way out. That was times when I still desire it, but now I the blackest moment of my life. Full have all the help I need. I have only of utter misery, unable to see my to pick up the telephone if it gets way through it, I went to the bath- too bad. But usually the help I have room, got a razor blade, and slashed received comes back to mind, and at my arm until I was satisfied that I I never take that drink. For this I had cut the artery. My only wish shall be forever grateful. then was to die and be out of my Alcoholism has been called the torment. heartbreak of the medical profes- When my husband came home sion. I have no doubt that this is that evening, I was almost dead. In true. It is not a curable disease; it record time, an ambulance was at can only be arrested. And it can be our house. Five minutes more, the arrested only when the alcoholic sindoctors said, and I would have been cerely desires help and admits withdead. Well, that’s what I wanted to out reservations that he has a probbe. I despised them for saving my lem. He has only to reach out for life. help. I did. The rest of my story is short. I M.T . L., Chicago, Ill.

November

All in the Family. . Many a spouse joins AA only to find that the search for sobriety brings new problems in family relations. Here, three members share their experience in making necessary adjustments

Divided I stand

T HAT’S right. One foot in AA and the other foot in the civilian world. Divided I stand, like thouhended the value of the Slogans, the Serenity Prayer, and the one-day-ata-time approach. He even approsands of other AAs who are married priated what he could use. So I had to nonalcoholics. I have heard glow- no skepticism to deal with, no ing reports of Al-Anon, but my denigration of the A A program. husband flatly refused to go to Al- We had been married for five Anon. Also, from the beginning of years when I came into AA. I had my AA life, he made it quite clear already gone over the narrow line that he had no intention of sitting from heavy drinker to alcoholic home nights with our three cats and before I was married, but no one the TV set while I gallivanted off to seemed aware of it-probably be’meetings. And he made it equally cause I was a weekend binge clear that I was to expect no cod- drinker, still able to exert some condling or pampering just because I trol on weekdays. The first two and was ‘sober. a half years of marriage were one I ‘am thankful that my husband long, agonizing effort at control. had a fairly open mind. He compre- Many times, I entertained guests

as other new members were doing. I bother me (their drinking didn’t, interesting new people; we joined an ached to go. I was in love with AA. that is), my coffee began to bother art club. The school and the club I yearned to throw myself into the them. I think they began to feel provided some social life with peoprogram as a parched desert pros- uncomfortable about drinking booze ple who knew nothing of my drinkpector wants to leap into a water while I refrained. They began to ing problem. Occasionally, one or hole. (I love that water-hole bit.) make excuses not to come over so two noticed that I didn’t drink, but Instead, I had to channel my en- often, and when they did come they made no comment on it. (A lot of thusiasm into hospital visits to new hurriedly explained they’d already people in this world don’t drink, members, daytime Twelfth Step had a drink, thank you. So I cut and they aren’t all alcoholics, work, a turn on the phones at our them out. either!) The point is that I was at with no memory whatever of what I Central Office, and quite a bit of About this time, we were being ease with them, and they with me. had served for dinner, nor of how speaking. These things, plus my two invited now and then to AA parties. Since then, together, my husband I had conducted myself afterward. group meetings a week, kept me Sometimes there were other non- and I have formed new friendships Of course, I always pushed drinks sober and on the program. Also, I alcoholics like my husband, but and found good friends. At parties, on everybody, so they wouldn’t no- read all of our books and literature, more often there were not. Since he I hold a glass of ginger ale in my tice my heavy consumption or ( I and rationed myself to make each cares little or nothing for liquor, hand; no one seems to know or hoped) my behavior. issue of the Grapevine last a whole that aspect didn’t bother him; but care what’s in the glass. The last two and a half years month. he just couldn’t take all that coffee Over a period of time, we have were ghastly. By then, I was alter- As I began feeling better phys- and all those hours of animated also made friends socially with AA nately confessing and denying, to ically, as well as clearing up men- chatter about AA matters. He felt couples, some of them half-and-half myself, that I was an alcoholic. I tally, I tried to live a “normal” life. left out, a stranger in an alien land. as we are, and some not. Most of don’t think my husband knew what But strange things began happening. He began making excuses not to go. the members have been in the proan alcoholic was, except for the When I entertained the same people I overheard him telling a friend of gram for a while, long enough to Bowery-bum type. To him, I was I had known for years before AA, his, “They live in a different world. incorporate AA into their lives, not perverse, weak-willed, etc. He was it just didn’t work out very well. They understand each other, but the other way round. Sobriety is the ‘ baffled, miserable, resentful. Only I had told a few of them I was in you can’t understand or join in. It’s first concern with all of us who are an awful lot of love could have put AA, but most did not know. A lot no use trying.” alcoholics, but we are also interested up with the mess that I had become. of them were heavy drinkers, and I could see his point of view; I in the world about us, in our jobs I joined AA with my husband’s I began resenting their lushful wanted desperately to be fair and and children and hobbies. blessing, and after the first week or emptying of my bottles of liquor to make him happy. So we stopped It has taken a long time, and a so he began attending open meetings during an evening, their boring, going to AA parties. It seemed a lot of experiments in friend-making, with me. However, if I mentioned repetitive stories. So I cut out the dilemma. We had no social life at to arrive where we are now. After going to any meeting beside the heavy drinkers and hung on to the all except for visits with relatives. many years, I still go to my two-atwo a week at my group, he grum- “light” imbibers, who did not bother Finally, I took up a hobby – week meetings at my own group. On bled that I was doing fine and why me. In fact, I scarcely noticed after hearing a woman speaker state the other five nights, I live as any did I need to go. In all fairness, I whether they had one, two, or that all AAs should get a hobby as normal person would live -with, realized that he had spent his eve- three, for I was drinking my one or soon as they had been sober a few of course, a few exceptions: no nings with a zombie for years, so I two or more cups of coffee at the years. I began art classes in a small more big, horrendous cocktail par- ‘felt I ought to please him. same time. school. After a while, my husband ties; no more big evening bashes; Reluctantly, I decided I could But again strange things hap- decided to study sculpture at the no more drink-swilling pals. I don’t not go to several meetings a week, pened. Although these friends didn’t same school. We began meeting want them or need them, and my

husband says he loathes them and and my life. I worried because my holic might use the threat of a re- port, affection, and trust. But for always did. The fact is, our marriage family’s habits of thinking and feel- lapse to extort almost anything from these I must work. They must be now is workable, rewarding, and ing, based on living with an alco- the partner. The threat would prob- earned. They are not a right granted just about as happy as we care to holic, had to be changed. They ably be successful because the part- me merely because at last I am make it -one day at a time. apparently thought they ought to be ner would do almost anything to sober. F. C., Manhattan. N.Y. careful not to refer to the past, be- avert a relapse. For me, this is a selfish program cause for me the alcoholic past was Sometimes I wonder whether I do only in the sense that I stay sober , over and done with. Added to this, practice this form of blackmail, un- for myself, not for anybody else. I supposed they must fear that my consciously. I hope not. That would Beyond that, once I tackled Steps sobriety would not last, that it was be too selfish for my own good, Eight and Nine, it became a most probably a phase and, like so many because my sobriety depends to a unselfish program. others, would pass. What of the large extent on my husband’s sup- W . H., Rhodesia Beware dread when entertaining that this of Blackmail

SELFISH program. That’s what I A heard when I joined AA: It is a selfish program for staying sober. I heard no mention of how this would be the night when I was “selfishness” might affect the non- tempted to have a drink? alcoholic partner in a marriage. Can the marriage partner really For years I must have created a forget the past? He or she may for- tions, they either are repelled by his hell for my husband. The miracle is give us, yes, but can they actually with condition or consider him weakthat for some unknown reason he forget? Perhaps, after a time, they willed and lacking in character. didn’t throw me out. Then, through may become used to the new person The founders of Alcoholics Anon- AA, sobriety introduced a stranger in the home, but is not that fear of a ymous realized that an alcoholic into his home. Without liquor I was relapse in the background of their must find a “community” where he a completely different person. My husband might not even have liked me as well sober as he had drinking. minds all the time? I still have my bad days, my fits of depression, when uncertainties T HE ACTIVE alcoholic is “a man can be comfortable in discussing his in a glass box,” a person who problem, where there is no misconcan see others and be seen, but is ception about what is wrong with Certainly, there was no guarantee sometimes creep in. I have been utterly unable to communicate with him, where there is no stigma atthat he would love this new person. tempted to wield my weapon of them. He knows that some terrible tached to his condition. And AA be- For the fortunate few it may be so, “selfishness.” If my husband doesn’t thing is happening to him and that came that community. but it does not necessarily follow. behave as I wish, I can hold the his life is being ruined by it. But he For the first year or so, many a I found that adjustments had to threat of that first drink over his does not know how to explain this newly recovered alcoholic can be be made in every sphere of my home head. In fact, an unscrupulous alco- to other people. With rare excep- really at ease only with his fellow

alcoholics. This often irritates family hold, emotional maturity starts to members, who do not seem able to develop, and most of us begin to communicate with him as well as take our places with family, friends, do “those drunks.” In the early and business associates in the workperiod, most of us are involved in aday world. But this task, too, is intense application of the AA pro- accomplished one day at a time. gram. I well remember my wife say- The process calls for patience on the ing to me, during the middle of my part of the new AA’s family -even more of you when you were drink- though they have felt neglected or first year of recovery, “I used to see rejected or just plain puzzled during ing and going on benders than I do the alcoholic’s initial “obsession” now that you are with your alco- with AA. holics. But at least now I know you Observation of thousands of recome home sober when you do get covered alcoholics will assure them, home.” however, that before too long (ex- This is standard operating proce- cept in a small minority of cases) dure. Actually, family members the intensity of the new member will should be concerned when a new indeed abate as he settles down into person joining Alcoholics Anony- a calmer, more balanced approach mous does not get into the intense to the AA program. He must do this application of the program this way! for the Fellowship’s good, as well as As one speaker at a New York his family’s and his own. Coming meeting said recently, “Don’t be a along behind him are new members ‘September Mom,’ dipping one toe who must take on all the activities of at a time into the program -plunge group leadership, participation in in!” the program, leading the meetings, On arrival in AA, the alcoholic and helping with the Twelfth Step finds himself, for the first time in calls. If all the old-timers continued his life or at least for the first time to carry on in the same way over in many years, able to be of use to the years, the benefits of the intensomeone else. No matter how re- sive early period would be denied cently he has acquired his sobriety, to the new man or woman. if he is “on the program” he can It’s safe to say to families of alcohelp another drunk. He can lose holics that, if they are patient and himself in another person’s problem, bear with the recovering alcoholic and this, of course, is a basic part during the first year or so, with the of AA therapy; it takes him out of understanding that he has to go himself, gets his mind off the need through this phase as part of the for another drink, keeps him busy recovery program, they will find and awav from the bars. things will swing back into balance. Once *the AA way of life takes Y.G., Hempstead, N.Y.

December 1968

Of Cakes and Ale

She thought it was time to get drunk, but she couldn’t. She had to bake a cake.

recognition-something that had long been lacking in my life. And I loved it. In fact, I said I’d continue I NVOLVEMENT. Participation. Service. These are important to our continued sobriety in AA, the winnight, my sensibilities as a good hostess were offended. Mind you, I hadn’t entertained for perhaps eight to bake cakes every week. And I did. The people continued ners tell us. These concepts would years, because I was too occupied to say nice things. I continued to have been Greek to me when I first with the bottle; but by golly I knew glow. But you can’t expect people to dabbled with the program – and what was right for that AA meeting, rave about a cake every week, ad yet my own early experience bears and I was vociferous about it. infinitum, can you? out the wisdom of this advice. For I “Somebody,” I declared, “should About a month later, on a Tuescan say quite honestly that I owe my provide a nice cake for the next day, things had gone wrong at home. day. I was committed to furnish one . sobriety to a cake. meeting.” Either I didn’t like the color of neck- of my incomparable cakes again that Not a birthday cake or an an- “Okay,” they replied. “You do tie my husband wore that morning, night-committed not so much to niversary cake, but a run-of-the- it.” or some equally world-shaking crisis the group as to myself. I was conmeeting, refreshment-type cake that So l’ did. I bought a luscious mix had occurred. And suddenly all the vinced that the group would fall turned out to be the most important and put loving care into it, too, and effort I had been putting into my apart-or, at the very lebst, its carecake of my life. decorated it nicely and brought it sobriety was just not worth it! I fully nurtured reputation for hospi- It all began because there were no proudly to the next Tuesday’s meet- wasn’t getting the appreciation I de- tality and delicious refreshments doughnuts. I had been going to ing. served, nobody loved me, and there would be tarnished-if I didn’t promeetings only a few weeks, but I It was a hit. The other members was no solution but to get drunk! duce a cake. knew there should be doughnuts for admired it and said it was delicious The trouble was, there was no And it would never do to deliver refreshments at the meetings, along and showered me with compliments. liquor in the house. So I was about the cake with my breath reeking of with the coffee. When someone fail- My ego fed itself eagerly. This was to go out and buy a bottle. As I liquor. Bad for my image as Hostess. ed to provide them this particular exciting and flattering. It gave me headed for the door, a nagging So, reluctantly, I had to postpone thought hit me. Dam! It was Tues- getting drunk until tomorrow. Then

I would, for sure, just to show the a precious iewcomer, whom she was ungrateful world. But meanwhile I helping. I accepted the assignment commenced work on the cake. eagerly. When I arrived at the meeting Not until I got home that night that night, sulkily sober and with did I think: Ye gods, that means I cake in hand, an older member in- can’t get drunk tomorrow either! troduced me to a new girl. She ex- And from that moment until today plained that she was going to be I haven’t had another desire to take unable to take the newcomer, whom a drink. she was sponsoring, to a meeting the Oh yes, the upshot was that I confollowing night in an adjoining com- tinued to bake a cake for every munity. “I know you usually go to Tuesday-night meeting for fifty-two that Wednesday meeting, Midge,” weeks! But it was that one silly cake, she said, “so could you take this that magic cake, that introduced mc girl?” to involvement, participation, serv- I was thrilled. This was real re- ice -and to my first subconscious sponsibility. This was real appreci- application of the 24-hour plan. ation of my sobriety. Here was an Surely my Higher Power had His older member, whom I respected, hand in that batter! actually trusting me to take care of ‘ , M . M., Millburn, N.J.

January 1969

New Year’s Eve, and Remorse set in after I had re- job because of alcohol? Never lost I T WAS Christmas Day had been my sixmonth anniversary of following the called this, but I hurriedly said the the love of my family because of Serenity Prayer and got back into alcohol? Always behaved in a puri- Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions the holiday mood. All that, I said to tanical manner while inebriated? of Alcoholics Anonymous. During myself, was in the past, and it would High-bottom drunk? Well, when those months, I had established sev- be a good idea to again shelve it in you’re as tall as I am, you are just eral friendships; things were looking the deep recesses of my mind. naturally high-bottomed, but that is up; and I was feeling pretty smug. George, my escort, who is also in no measure of your sobriety. While getting ready for the New AA, came by, and we set out for the And I learned another lesson in Year’s dance at our club, I was evening. While we were in the car, talking to those men. Isn’t it true Year’s Eve looking forward to an enjoyable he said he was taking a program to that we all, as alcoholics, know and evening, not knowing what was the Dallas Alcoholic Center, Inc., a understand any fellow alcoholic? about to happen. rehabilitation center for the male Even if I hadn’t passed out in the I Startled During my drinking career, black- alcoholic. George and I would be weeds by a railroad track, would not the program. My first thought was: a fellow alcoholic still be capable

Myself.. 9 . outs were frequent. However, since the beginning of my life in AA my memory has played a reverse trick: Events of the past suddenly flash “But what can I say to all those of loving and understanding me? men?” Whether we were in the same city or And then I remembered that lost the same material things has scene from the past. When I started little to do with it, if anything. We through my mind without any provocation. This New Year’s Eve to talk to the men, it was easy to all lost the most important things: I startled myself by vividly remem- tell them just what had happened to our self-respect, our self-esteem, our bering the following. . . . me on New Year’s Eve; how I had self-love, and our love of our fellow- T h i s woman come to recall the fears that had man. We can all identify with each It was nighttime, and I was cold surrounded me that night while I other. member had nothing and wet. Someone was talking to me Now, when I’m asked to speak, I and jostling my arm. At first I was drinking; and how only because I was sober and God was with me don’t worry about whether I’m going thought it was a dream, but the to say to an all-male dream sharply became reality. Somecould I piece my life back together to be talking down to anyone. (Reagain and make some use of it. member, I said I had gotten pretty how, I had managed to fall down audience. Then s h e along a railroad track. Something It is also my belief that God was smug.) The Big Book tells us: “Our had frightened me. Real or imag- trying to teach me a lesson that stories disclose in a general way remembered a ined, drink-induced fears engulf you New Year’s Eve. I had obviously what we used to be like, what hapbeen suffering from the delusion pened, and what we are like now.” completely; so I had run. Being drunk, I had apparently staggered, that I was some kind of high-bottom It doesn’t say a word about having cold, wet night drunk, always ladylike while tip- a contest to see who got the drunkfallen, and passed out by that track. pling. Had I forgotten my many est or sank the lowest. when . . . Two trainmen were trying to visits to the local cooler? Had I for- And, of course, there is one thing awaken me to tell me that I must get off their right-of-way. Believe me, gotten stumbling through weeds, I sincerely say in any talk without then I was ready to move out, and snow, and rain trying to get home, worrying about whether I will be apparently I did, but I cannot today far too scared and drunk to make it understood. That is “Thank you, recall how. God once again was tak- in any normal fashion? Did I think I God, for Your love, and thank you, had never been discharged from a AA.” 1. A. H., Dallas, Tex. ing care of this alcoholic woman. . . .

January 1969

“‘ Big Book Stories – Updated Sobriety? Yes, of course, for there structive action will be greater. Also, can be no future without this. But if when we learn to take a good look I can maintain sobriety-then what? before we leap, we can eliminate the Don’t Take Our What can I do with what remains of purely emotional decisions we used my life?” to act upon, so often to our sorrow Word for It The answers may vary somewhat, and destruction. but I think there are certain funda- The AA approach to life steers us mental desires that are much the along a maturing course. We be- ‘same in all of us. We want, first of come willing to accept the responsome kind of noble, self-sacrificing all, to be liberated from dependence sibility of our actions. We learn to contribution. Nothing could be fur- on any human crutch. Next, we improve the quality of our living by ther from the truth. This tremendous want to achieve dependability and constantly striving to improve ouractivity, by bringing me into almost trustworthiness, so that our self-re- selves. Although we cannot change constant contact with other mem- spect is restored and we can earn the the world, we find that for us relabers doing likewise, provided me right of respect from others. Then tive (yet miraculous) change does with everything I most desperately we must find some reason for our occur outside ourselves as we needed to save my life–quite liter- existence, so that we may obtain change inwardly. And after a while ally. As I look back I realize this purpose in our lives -a purpose we begin to realize that we are de- An early Chicago member was the most excitingly beautiful worth striving to achieve. We need veloping a pretty sound philosophy ., writes the sequel to her story period of my life, filled with great to learn to laugh again, relax again, to live by. , 1,

humor, incredible thrills, and revela- enjoy living again. We want to be The very Ature of this approach (page 304 in “Alcoholics tory happenings. Out of these were capable of meeting the daily chal- to life calls for a cbntinuous striving Anonymous”) and clearly born human relationships the like of lenges as they come, with courage toward the personal goals we have which I wouldn’t have believed pos- and good humor. Instead of running set for ourselves. We will never outspells out the progression sible. from life’s problems, we’d like to grow the program. Always, as more of sobriety By 1955, when I wrote my story find we can meet them head-on and vistas open up for us, or when we for the revised edition of Alcoholics handle them well. reach a new plateau, we find the Anonymous, our membership in the It seems like a pretty big order, need to climb a little higher, or go a

‘ T HE FIRST ten years of AA in the Chicago area (1939 through 1949) were years filled with much Chicago area alone had grown from six to six thousand. Now, there were many to carry on the work. The and it is. Yet all these wishes and many more can become realities if we will just follow the AA blueprint bit further. “What is it I really want from life?” Now we can answer that activity. During the first four or five group did not need us in the same for living. question. ‘years, the activity was at times even degree as it had earlier. But our The AA concept tends to simplify We want to mature. We want to feverish. Our numbers were small need for the group had riot dimin- I life. It teaches us how to keep our- be able to make a constructive conwhen AA received its first national ished. After we come into AA, after selves straightened away by weeding tribution to our world. We want to publicity, so all of us were pressed the fog is lifted from our thinking, out the crippling attitudes and re- develop well-integrated, whole per- . into service in an effort to answer then we begin to find ourselves. placing erroneous premises with true sonalities. We want balance in our the flood of requests that poured in When we have had the time to com- I values. It wisely counsels us to turn lives; we want to develop all the from all over the Midwest. plete that all-important, searching the inner searchlights on what un- areas of our being equally. We want It would be nice to intimate that personal inventory, we must ask, derlies our motivations before we to improve our understanding of and my part in all this amounted to “What is it I really want from life? act, so that the chances for con- appreciation for our fellowman, and

‘ thereby learn how we may serve theoretically. We truly know only him. We want to earn the privilege that which we have experienced. and the joy of being wanted, needed, And this is why we say to the new . and loved by those around us. person, “Don’t take our word for it. We find that the principles of Instead, try it for yourself. Only honesty, purity (of motivation), un- then can you be sure you have selfishness, and love (without our- latched on to a design for living that selves at the center) do work, when can really work for you.” we apply them to any and all de- My faith in our program conpartments of our living. It often tinues to increase through my pertakes courage to make the experi- sonal experience with it. The last ment of applying these principles in thirteen years have found me still our daily affairs, in our personal striving toward the shining goals relationships, or in our business con- laid out for me long ago. I now live tacts. But by gum these principles in Florida with my husband, and we do work. They work because every- will soon be celebrating, most hapthing we have to do in this world pily, our eighteenth wedding anniinvolves other people, and people versary. He is an alky, too, and our will and do respond to this kind of lives have been enriched by our approach, no matter what the prob- mutual faith and perseverance in the lem at hand. I can make this state- AA way of life. Through it we have ment because I have had, not one, found a quality of happiness and but many experiences with all kinds serenity that, we believe, could not of people in all kinds of situations have been realized in any other way. over the last twenty-nine years. Small wonder our gratitude knows We never really know anything no bounds. S. B. S., Sarasota, Flu.

– February 1969

* – From the February 1969 Grapevine seemed to be settling down to AA cardboard box of goodies, and upon old age. To be candid about it, I my lap is a freshly frosted layer cake. think 1 was getting a slight case of Both of us have gotten into secretarglue-dry, which is the occupational ial and KP work. disease of both antique furniture I not only go to more meetings, I and the AA old-timer who’s coast- really get into them. The “new” AA ing. -a new approach, less formality, I was embarrassed by compli- less “God business” for many new ments from young people. Things people-is something to get used to. like “You are such an example to In trying to swing with it, I some- Generation Gap others!” made me feel like a mini- times get thrown. “Please, everymonument to sobriety-something Revisited slightly above it all, and not at all body!” I shouted at a very small meeting. “Please stop talking all at with it. But believe me, if several once. Grandma can’t hear.” meetings went by and nobody re- There was dead silence and then marked upon my physiological and/ solicitude. “We’ll move our chairs Looking back over a quarter century of AA, or AA age, I would work it into a up closer to you,” they said. this member finds it changing and changeless… talk as fast as you can say Bill W., I also went through a self-conwith remarks like “There was only scious stage where I was trying not to and has’an Rx for indolent old-timers one open meeting in all New York! lay down the law, and yet knew that . Think o f it!” I was. “And were you stuffy for a There 1 was, above it and out of it, while back there!” says a beautiful, going to meetings to speak more blue-eyed blonde. L ISTEN. my children, I’ve been on this program for a quarter of a century, and when 1joined I felt old, cold, just about breaking even, all the time I’ve been in. What’s different is my own attitude. I have felt up than to listen, when what should come into my life but an infant pigeon, a man two years younger But lately, I find myself relaxing into this new world. I don’t have to call every single meeting to order, used up, consumed, and done for, as and down, young and old, according to my own inner state of being. I than I was when I joined! He says he nor sum up everything that’s said. old as Grandma Moses’ grandmoth- likes me as a sponsor because I clear- At least, 1 hope not! er. I had wasted my youth in know now that in my attitude, not in the state of the world, lies the kernel, ly don’t have any of the answers and The other day, a good friend callneuroses and alcoholic psychoses. I my confusion at this late date is most ed me from New York, an AA concould hardly see the use of sobering the heart of the matter. That is the essence of what I have learned encouraging to him. temporary of mine. Sadly, she told up at the advanced age of thirty- 1 now go to a lot of meetings quite me that another mutual friend, so eight. My sponsor and her helpers, through all of you. It’s what keeps me sober. And I am sober, thank regularly, something I haven’t done lovable, so unable to stay sober, had who were all more or less my age, in years. Heoften takes me in a long, finally died on a drunk after all these assured me that if I’d try it a day at a God. I want to talk about the last two silver gray, streamlined, many- years. time, there might be something left gadgeted sports car. And we go levi- My pigeon came over shortly after to dredge up out of my pool of tears. years since I’ve moved up here to Connecticut. Life on the whole has tating through the night, along dark, this, and 1 told him about it. “But at Sure enough, in the last twenty- winding country roads, with the top her age,” he said, “how could you five years we’ve all been right! Life been extremely pleasant, not to say meaningful. But at the meetings down and with ourselves strapped in tell that it wasn’t from natural has been perfectly wonderful and like a couple of World War I stunt causes?” perfectly terrible, blowing hot and around this neck of the woods, I pilots. Between my feet is a large At a meeting in New York, I heard

a girl of twenty-two describe a year’s sobered up. I have to say “Hurray!” sobriety in AA. Her talk had both in- to my pigeon, who was in grade telligence and heart. 1 thought, “In school at the time. To everybody in one short year, she has learned more AA everywhere, young, old, new, than I ever will.” And 1 started to not so new, I say “Cheers!” as I give way to the old self-pity. That raise my coffee cup skyward. All of sense of being really old, used up, a us belong to this wonderful Fellowmisfired rocket-all those things 1 ship, and it has to change, and it has thought at the beginning-came to grow, because that is the nature of back to me, and I got depressed all a life-giver. over again. Once, my sponsor was asked to But after what might indeed be describe AA in one word. She said, called mature reflection, 1 have to “Love.” That was a quarter of a say “Bravo!” to this kid, who century ago. I think that’s as true of wasn’t even born when I first the “new” AA as it was of the old. F. M.

February 1969

frantic. All I could see, not having had washed away the hidden fear much maturity, was that she was not and the secret, exaggerated guilts as pleasant and nice as she had I had lived with. I realized that been. One day she threatened me, simply by taking the Fifth Step my in a veiled way, with the knowledge inability to see anything outside my- The Fifth Step was a she had acquired when I took the self had been removed. I now was Fifth Step with her. 1 could hardly able to think in terms of another giant step in her progress, taking believe it. My husband was present person. . at the time, and all I had to do was Then I started to understand her farther than she realized glance at him to know that the what this Step means: release from threat wasn’t in my imagination. fear, in order that we may begin. My first reaction was disbelief. For until this release from fear Then a great sorrow and compas- is effected we can’t possibly find the sion flowed through me, that a hu- freedom that is vital for progress man being could be so desperate in our new way of life. The Fifth APPROACHED the Fifth Step re- Step isn’t, after all, an ending. It Release I luctantly. It was like swallowing a bitter pill. I knew that it had to for reassurance. Only later did it occur to me that is the beginning -of truth, of there was absolutely no fear within reality, of living in the present, be done, that it was best for me. me because of what she knew about rather than in the nightmarish past But I didn’t know why. me or might possibly reveal. The or frightening future. From My choice of another person with mere fact i f having taken the Step I . V. Malawi, Africa whom to take the Step would be quite different now, because I feel Fear that I have become a better judge of maturity and mental sobriety. But the person I chose at that time was a dear friend, at least on a superficial level, and we seemed to have much in common. It is true that she made it quite easy for me. Afterwards, I still didn’t know why I had taken the Step. But I had done it! I felt terrific relief, knowing that it was behind me and that it was one Step I could say had been taken. It was finished, I thought. Then the woman with whom I had taken the Fifth Step seemed to have a relapse. While she didn’t drink, she became quite erratic and

I March 1969 I

A two-coast story of profound despair a n d a new life

F rom time to time as I have sat in AA meetings this past year, I have watched the winners proudly gave no clue. Was it six AM or six PM? Terror stalked my days and acknowledge a first, a fourth, or a nights. I couldn’t write. I couldn’t twentieth anniversary. The applause eat; a dab of food meant nausea. has been sincere and enthusiastic for My legs were made of rubber, and each one of them. On the walk or my balance was precarious. The drive home, I have thought of these ever-present half-gallon jug of wine tremendous accomplishments in no longer held solace. A quick dessobriety. perate swallow – but no relief. An- But this week is different; it is other, another. my own anniversary, my first. What On May 22, 1967, my quaking have I accomplished in 365 days? fingers held a glass of wine. Chok- I look back to the dark days of ing, gasping, I drained it. winter and spring 1967, when the This was to be the end of a wave of alcoholism was engulfing fifteen-year path hi@lighted by me in a whirlpool of self-destruc- treatment in eight psychiatrists’, tion. I was alone, surrounded by a offices, on both coasts, and two weird world, a wilderness, a desert. visits to a mental institution. It Dawn and dusk were the same. A lowered the curtain on a series of faint glimmer of sky came through frantic motions in the last three my bedroom window. The clock months: running through a three-

/> story house in the bleak hours after midnight, looking crazedly for a bottle; calling a $4.50 cab at dawn >3 -with no money in my purse – “That was how lifp came back to me-little bursts at a time. so I could get to my mother’s apartment fast. At the end of the trip there was wine. I visited a motel home. With numb emotions, only Some even looked as slovenly as I ture: learning to walk. There was ‘carrying a quart of 100 proof half-breathing, half-living, I sat in did. a wide driveway leading up from bourbon. I staggered down Lexington Avenue in New York, carrying a pint of rum in my purse – and the car as he drove me up to Westchester County. There, in a large, rambling house, lived a man who ! I About the fourth day, I tried a the road, and I practiced, a few few forkfuls of scrambled eggs and steps at a time. They were jerky, sipped coffee. This was the first irregular, but it was exciting to pulled myself into each church I had been in the AA program for food, apart from milk and tomato step onto the asphalt, then onto the passed, to pray. Oh, how I yearned twenty-six years and was dedicated juice, that I had had in six months. grass – one step, then another to be sober when I was drunk. to the nurturing and rehabilitation In the spacious living room, cozy among the June flowers, and then Immediately after that long swal- of alcoholics. His wife, an RN, pre- with deep couches and lounge suddenly I saw the young buds on low of wine, my husband put me pared excellent, nutritious food and chairs, I sat by the hour, sweating the trees and the bright clear sky. into the car and drove me to a hos- administered vitamin injections to and shaking. The pain of living was That was how life came back to pital for alcoholics on Long Island. those who asked for or needed almost intolerable. me -little bursts at a time. They told me later that I screamed them. One day my host came by and On my ninth day, our ownerin rebellion. I couldn’t live without I cried when my husband drop- handed me a large blue book. “Read counselor announced at lunchtime a drink! ped me off. I stood alone in the this,” he ordered. that anyone interested could drive About the only thing I can re- dining room and looked miserably I I leafed through it. When had I with him that evening to an AA member about being on the hospital about. Framed in the picture win- I last looked into the printed page? meeting thirty miles away. The bed is the agonizing pain that dow were soft green hills climbing Even glanced at a calendar? Written thought of driving on a warm night wracked my body. My nerves screeched. All I could do was toss back and forth, back and forth, like up to the blue sky, making a magnificent backdrop for the multiple rows of African violets ranging from 1 a letter? Months before? Years? through the countryside was an in- Thus, the first sentence was an viting one, and I agreed. Four men ordeal. Painstakingly, slowly, I read also staying at the rest home joined a tortured, demented animal. Some- deep purple to the palest lavender. and waited. My brain was not re- us. I wish I could write that this times I must have been unconscious, The table was long and immaculate ceiving stimuli. But time was for- AA meeting overwhelmed me. I t for most of the days were a murky and accommodated twelve guests. ever in this old, silent house; I was didn’t. I was still too ill, too haze. Once, I opened my eyes and At mealtimes I listened to the aching with loneliness; and even wretched. I sat by myself, watched the patient in the next bed said, other guests, but I didn’t eat -just though the book didn’t hold any the people, and waited for the ride L L Y ~ ~just ‘~ehad a convulsion.” drank milk. Nobody seemed to message for me, I ploughed through, home. The hospital records no doubt tell notice I was there. My hair was seeing just sentences first, then Thereafter, each night those of quite a story! unkempt, my clothes ill-fitting. I paragraphs. I kept returning to it; us who desired were driven to meet- I just waited and wanted to die. was swollen in the wrong places. 1 I one day I read through the last page ings in Connecticut and New York T o me, God was very far away. But In short, I was ugly all over. The , and closed the cover. God’s healing -in a state hospital, an industrial I He was there. talk at the table was mainly about hand closed over mine, and the AA town, a suburban church, a village When I was discharged seven drinking- the good part and the book was handed on to someone meeting hall. One wonderful night, days later, my husband was advised bad part. On some days new people ,I else. a woman spoke to me. She didn’t to take me to an alcoholic rest arrived, often drunk, often shaking. Then I came upon a new adven- notice I was ugly.

* ~ But now I began to worry about and determined redhead, she was going home. I knew it wouldn’t be forthright and honest, and decided like this. No mealtime gatherings; my recovery was to be in earnest. no delicious food put before me by I was to discover AA. b the plateful; no car full of chatter- How many nights she echoed the ing people roaming over country principles of the program as she hills to hear AA talks. I had been drove me to meetings near my in the rest home nearly three weeks, home -forty in all. Night after and I was returning to the same night, at eight o’clock, I waited for house where I had developed into her station wagon. “Never mind an uncontrollable, frenzied, obses- how you look,” she told me when sive drunk. I fumbled for excuses. “Get What would stop me from revert- dressed.” ing to that condition? She showed me how to talk to Every potential or desperate al- others; she introduced me to everycoholic who may be asking this one she knew. Soon the comments question right now can find an were encouraging: “You’re lookanswer in Chapter Five of Alco- ing better.”. . . “Good to see you holics Anonymous: “But there is again.” . . . “How are you tonight?” One who has all power -that One Miserable drunk that I was, I is God. . . . That probably no hu- didn’t deserve this. Never before that recovery had been slow until mine. It was apparent that he had man power could have relieved our had I been treated so thoroughly the awareness of God’s presence in given this request deep thought. alcoholism. That God could and well. that radiant June day. From then “You will have to find your own would if He were sought.” One morning, while I was taking on, my sense of well-being increased way from now on, make your own God would stop me. a short walk, the summer sun steadily. AA meetings were becom- life.” In my past drunken moments and warmed the world and penetrated ing welcomed occasions. I traveled I had been sober two and a half in my convulsive, craven sober my being. “I am feeling better!” I , by bus and subway to reach them. months. My brain must still have moments, I had called out, “Oh exulted inwardly. A surge of new I traveled into New York City, to been saturated with wine, because God, help me.” It was a dying gasp health, new strength became a part I the church where I had been mar- my response, as I recall, was neither more than a prayer. of me. Massive vitamin doses and ried many years before and where, dramatic nor despondent, though On the drive back to our house, good food were adding up; the quiv- a few months earlier, I had spent he was – and is – my life. He has my husband – a great, patient man ering, shaking, and sweating were a drunken night in the ladies’ room. been my backbone, my moral fiber, -explained that a lady and gentle- ebbing away. Then came a mortal blow. My the nucleus of my existence. Our man had visited me in the hospital, The healing hand of God, again. I husband, who had given his life to three children, at school during my she suggesting that I call her upon Over and over, I heard from the his home and family and had been heaviest drinking years, had silently my return home. When we arrived, podium, “Step Three: Made a de- led through ten years of hell by my drifted away, and I had not been my husband handed me a phone cision to turn our will and our lives alcoholism, announced one night aware of it in my continuing struggle number. I knew what I must do. over to the care of God as we just prior to dinner, entirely with- for one more drink. The phone call I made put me in understood Him.” This Step was out warning, “I want a divorce.” Now, in my ego-centered mind, touch with an AA sponsor who was powerful. His voice was steady; his eyes were I was confident that with my newsummoned by the angels. A dainty As I glance backwards, I see now unemotional as they gazed into found sobriety we would be a

happy, reunited family. But this was daughter sent me a card on Mother’s than the easy wrong. Give us a faith a dream. A grief-stricken road was the reality. In the days ahead we visited divorce lawyers, who were very willing to take over and arrange the action smoothly and I am feeling better, I exulted inwardly. Day -after five years of waiting.” that has backbone and arms and . . . “It took me three years to make hands of strength. Give us the satisthe program. Sober up and slip, faction of taking things-as-they-are again and again. Now I think I’ve and shaping them into things-asmade it.” they-should-be. By the power of ‘

speedily. And it became equally clear that Thy might, change us so that we One morning some time later, I Every day became a discovery. the tragedies were as real in South- may glorify Thee. Amen.” It b& pleaded with my husband for just The morning after I arrived in the ern California as in New York: “My came a daily ritual to read these a year’s separation. He agreed. Sud- Pasadena area, I found a bus that son -college age -died because words. denly, I was very alone, and even brought me to downtown Los I couldn’t stay sober one weekend.” And I worked on myself: “You the separation was terrifying. Still Angeles. Employment agencies, as . . . “I’ve had the grand slip for all stupid girl! Feeling sorry for yourclinging to hope, I made a decision in any modern American city, were you people. Please, I beg you, I self again. Don’t you know there are to move to California, where my numerous; interviews and tests be- plead with you -don’t take that thousands who need your help?” three children were living. Still came the order of the day. drink! Don’t!” . . . “They took my The only way I ever found to fight thinking that I could reclaim and One night, holding the AA di- driver’s license away. You know this utter desolation was to think rebuild a family unit, I boarded rectory in my hand, I crisscrossed what that means in California? How how I could help someone else. I a train in New York with a ticket streets, retraced footsteps, and do you work?” . . . “Ever had a did it in queer ways: allowed people for Los Angeles in my purse and asked directions until finally I came door locked behind you?’. . . “I’m to enter a line of traffic in front of four months’ AA sobriety in my upon a clubhouse and timidly an ‘ex.’ Ex-jobholder, ex-husband, me; bought a little boy a chocolate heart. opened the door. I ex-father. You name it and put an bar; wrote a thank-you note for a There were vague financial plans Everyone was chatting. The ‘ex’ in front of it. That’s me.” stranger; sent poetry and prose to a in the background: Our home was scent of coffee and the sound of But in my eyes they were winners. friend. Little things that sometimes to be sold and some of the furniture laughter mingled. For a moment I To me, there’s something about a didn’t amount to fifty cents. shipped to me when I had an ad- hesitated; three thousand miles is recovered alcoholic that lifts him The tears returned, but now after dress. I was cutting off the old life, a long way. Then I stretched out far above the crowd. longer intervals. Some nights, I just Ordinarily, a geographical change my hand. “Hello. I’m from New Tn the first six weeks, I walked does not work miracles of sobriety, York.” blocks and rode miles seeking work, but if the individual is sober upon May I state conclusively, from finding an apartment, locating a arrival, the results can be impres- my own experience, that that is all church. The loneliness was oversive. When I set foot in California you ever have to do at an AA meet- whelming and I cried often -deep three days later, things began to ing – introduce yourself. sobs from far down inside. I was closed over mine. happen. My two daughters and my One conversation led to another, rejected; I was overcome with reson gave me an indifferent welcome one meeting to another, one phone I morse; bitter memories would rise walked the quiet streets and looked and soon were busy with their own call . . . As I listened to the speakers and subside, like massive waves. up at the deep blue southern sky lives, after waving a fast goodbye. in the following months, it became One day I found a prayer: “We fringed with palm and fir branches. Despondency could have threat- clear that all these men and women thank Thee, 0 Lord, for health and The gentle air would dry my ened. I didn’t know a street name, a had accomplished the same momen- strength of body, and we pray Thee cheeks. A lit window occasionally telephone exchange, a familiar face. tous victories over themselves: “I for inner health and strength of revealed a family group around the But with the struggle for survival, a found at AA what I had been look- soul. Give us courage so that we dinner table. Some day, I resolved. sense of freedom began to emerge. ing for in the bottle.” . . . “My I may choose the hard right, rather Some day, I told myself fiercely, it

., would be for me. of my friends say of speaking, “It I have written. Prior to May 22, a fervent and reverent “thank you.” Sunday mornings had a quiet gets the rot out of your system.” 1967, I was immature, self-centered, After walking the burning sands of radiance: a walk to the 9:30 church What we say is part of us- our incapable of listening, learning, or the desert, I can see a distant service and then a hike up the hill backgrounds, our attitudes, our bat- growing. And I was dying, a day horizon. These words from Isaiah to an 11:30 AA meeting. You know tles, our achievements. No one at a time. describe it: “The wilderness, and how those morning meetings are – writes the speech, supplies a format, Therefore, to God -deep, eter- . the solitary place, shall be glad . . particularly on Sunday. Everyone is nor dictates what comes next. It is nal, and unchanging -I surrender and the desert shall rejoice, and glowing. The memories of former born of our suffering. my life this day. blossom as the rose.” drastic Sunday mornings seem to The complete give-and-take at an And to each one in AA, I offer E. M. K.,South Pasadena, Calif. urge the Fellowship into a new joy- AA meeting can never be measured, fulness. I have found out. As one member By the end of six weeks I had put it, “You are responsible for secured a position – the one that holding the door open for the help- God chose for me out of all the less drunk, as it was once held open hundreds available. By a long series for you.” I must share my sobriety of coincidences, a special niche was with someone else, share it with my being prepared for me -that of fellow AA member or take the newwriter -while I was learning to comer’s trembling hand as it reaches walk in the world. out to me. By the seventh week, with funds Sometimes, when I meet my from the East, I owned a car and drinking friends of former days (as was learning to drive again. Now I I did on a recent trip to New York), began to wheel my way along the there is an emptiness I cannot dewinding streets and broad avenues. fine. Whatever was present before Names became familiar. Each new is no longer there, and we cannot community with its AA group be- close the gap. It is best to say goodcame one more victory in relocation. bye. One night I was invited to speak. To all of us in AA, it seems, there Shivering with anticipation (how comes a time when we realize we could the other speakers look so are functioning comfortably and calm?), I walked to the front of completely without liquor. The rent the room. is paid; the car is greased; the din- The chance to speak means ner is cooked; the checking account everything to me. Perhaps some day is balanced. We look at ourselves my message will reach a tortured and almost can’t believe it. Responhuman being. I pray and meditate sible citizens at last? Valued embefore each talk; it is reinforcing; ployees? Stable members of AA? I am not speaking alone. These When that happens, we know we talks make me relive experiences are living a miracle. that are harsh and shameful and What have 365 nondrinking, 24need to be remembered. As some hour days taught me? Most of what

March 1969

MY Name Is Bertha.. . “Theytell me that I killed a man . . . .N

money that I should have used to M Y N A M E is Bertha. I am an Afro-American alcoholic. I don’t know when I became an alcobuy food for my two little boys. As time went on, I drank more. thought if they smelled whiskey on my breath they would lock me up, and I couldn’t live without my holic, but I do believe I became I was not able to hold a job – no bottle. I hated that judge for sendone because I drank too much too one wants a drunk around. I was ing me to a place with all those often. t always able to get a boyfriend who drunks. I wasn’t an alcoholic! Oh, I I always blamed my drinking on had a joint, or sold whiskey, but it might drink too much at times being poor, or on anything other didn’t last long. I would embarrass everyone I knew drank. But I don’t than that I liked what booze did for everyone. by coming in drunk or ever remember that any of them ‘ me, that when I had a drink I was passing out. Then it got to the place went to sleep in joints and woke up as big and had as much as the next I couldn’t drink without getting in with no shoes on in the winter, or person. I would never admit that I jail. On one of these trips, the judge fell out of chairs. But I did. I don’t was drinking too much, or spending must have thought I was worth remember any of them getting put saving, for instead of sending me to out in the winter because they didn’t jail he sent me to AA for one pay their rent, but to me whiskey month. meant more than a home for my I went to AA. At least, my body sons. went. I hated every minute of it. Things got so bad I was afraid to I couldn’t wait until the meeting was go on the street, so I turned to over to get a drink. I was afraid Mothers’ Aid. That was one of the to drink before the meeting. I worst things that could have h a p

J, pened to an alcoholic woman. I A , would wait for the mailman each month, like any good mother, but as “Today I thank my Higher Power for giving me another chance at l i f e . .. 99

soon as he handed me my check, I put on my best dress and went look- I thought if the cops did come to served three years. It was there that I do think that some of the ing for my alcoholic friend. Once I the hospital the doctors would tell I really found out what AA was. I Negroes here – and other places, started drinking I didn’t care that them I was crazy and didn’t know had rejected AA on the outside, but too -are afraid to go to other the rent wasn’t paid, or that there what I was doing. But then one now it came to me in prison. Today, meetings. I just want to say that you was no food in the house, or that good doctor told me there was noth- I thank my Higher Power for giv- don’t have to be afraid, because no my boys needed shoes. I would stay ing wrong with me except drinking ing me another chance at life and one at any AA meeting will bite out until my money was gone. Then too much. He said if I came back AA and being able to try and help you. There are no color bars in AA. I would go home full of remorse, again they would send me to the some other alcoholic. I have been If you give us a try, you will see and wonder what I was going to do state hospital. I didn’t want that, so I home since March, and have not that we are really human beings, until I got my next check. I stopped going to the psycho ward. taken a drink in four years. and we will welcome you with open In time, I began to go out and Now I had gotten to the place Since I have been in AA, I have arms and hearts. I am talking about forget the way back home. I would where I would wake up with black more friends than I ever had in my AA people, who have gone through wake to find myself in some beat-up eyes and not know where I got life – friends who care about me some of the same things that you rooming house, where roaches were them, or wake up with a lot of and my welfare, friends who don’t might be going through now. crawling over everything. Then the money and not know where I got it. care that I am black and that I I’m writing this in my room at the time came when I couldn’t afford Later, I found out that I went into have been in prison. All they care Ken-Bar Inn, Gilbertville, Ky. I am” whiskey, so I turned to wine. stores and stole clothes, then sold about is that I am a human being at the Eighth Tri-State AA Conven- Finally, I got so low-down I was them. One morning I woke up with and that I want to stay sober. Since tion, where I have spent the weekashamed of my friends seeing me, a thousand dollars. I was trying to I’ve been home, I have been able end with nothing but white people. so I went to the worst joints I could remember where it came from, when to gain the respect of my two sons They haven’t eaten me yet! I have find. If it was daylight, I would go two of the biggest cops I ever saw again. So many wonderful things not seen a black face but mine since down alleys to make sure no one walked in and took me to jail. It , have happened to me that at times I’ve been here, and if I didn’t look saw me. My father was and still is came out that I had sold a woman a I can’t believe this is me. I think I in the mirror I wouldn’t know that a minister, and I was afraid that I fur coat. The cops had picked her am dreaming and will soon wake up. I was black, because these people might run into him, or that some- up, and she told them she had The only thing that bothers me is treat me as one of them,. which I one might tell him where I was, and bought it from me. I got out on bail that there are only about five am. We all have the same sickness, I could still remember what he had right away, but when I went to trial Negroes in AA in Louisville. Even and in helping one another we are done to me when I got drunk one the judge gave me thirty days. When those don’t take part in AA func- able to stay sober. Christmas when I was very young. my thirty days were up, I started tions as I would like to see them do. I am hoping that writing this may I felt that I didn’t have anything back on my rounds. I didn’t last I don’t know if it’s force of habit bring some poor, mixed-up soul into to live for, so I tried suicide many long. They tell me that I killed a or something else that keeps them the program. It’s time to stop findtimes. But I would always wake up man during that period, but I can’t in one place, but I do know that in ing excuses for drinking and getting in the psychiatric ward to begin an- remember anything. It was a total AA there is much work to do, and into trouble, because now there is other long treatment. After a while, blackout. Because I had been drunk, none of us can do it standing still. a way out, and if you want what we I found that the psycho ward was a the judge gave me only a twelve- I hope I haven’t hurt anyone’s feel- have, try coming around and giving good place to hide when I had taken year sentence in prison. ings, but maybe we could all grow the program a chance. something stolen to the pawnshop. By the grace of God, I only and change. B. D., ~ouimille;Ky.

April 1969

I Chance Encounter.. . She had

forces parties, the dances, the pub no liquor store close by. As soon as to drink T HERE were blue skies over the villages and green fields of Southern England. British pilots I crawls, the receptions. For anything that seemed disturbing or disapthe house was empty I took our one bottle of celebration liqueur, drank were engaged in combat high up, pointing, I held other people respon- it all, cracked the bottle on the stone her way and one could hear their far-off sible. I resented my husband floor, and called it an accident. zooming from the garden where, because I hadn’t time to change into Years later, in another house, in when I was eighteen, I attended a suitable costumes when traveling another town, I was alone for a through a war cocktail party for army officers and and attending functions en route. I week with my door locked against blithe young people. There were resented him because I omitted to all comers. I sat on the .floor and white-covered tables on the lawns, notify a landlady of our date of drank. There were voices at the bearing trays of sparkling iced arrival. I resented him because I had door. There were little voices in my and across drinks and cocktails. nothing to resent him for. I was head. Day and night merged, and I drank my first cocktail rather miserable and guilty inside, especi- location had no significance. Pieces quickly. It seemed so small that I I ally after I went to a beautiful ball of equipment and silverwire left the an ocean had twelve more. During the ensuing in a Scottish castle and fell over house, and bottles of brandy, gin, eight weeks, four things happened: drunk in front of the brigadier gen- and liqueur moved in. I kept wanting more of the numb eral. My husband put up with me We changed to another living before it security effect of alcohol; I felt very in spite of it all. He loved me, yet place, this time to a converted boat unsure of how to “manage my life”; he must have felt as powerless over moored to a quayside near a city on ‘ my problem as I had become. the coast. Ostensibly, we were there I became engaged to be married; I I At the end of the war, my hus- because of the postwar housing occurred got married. But I was incapable of adopting any responsible attitudes. Instead, I ‘ I ! band achieved a good job and we settled down. A morning came when I had to have a drink, and there was shortage. Looking back, I now think my husband hoped that my behavior would either right itself in this outimmersed myself in the armed I

door environment, or at least be less conspicuous. As it happened, the reverse became true. I spent long days . “5 my life became3~pended and its emptiness drained out.” hunting bottles of this and that, with which I filled an enormous shopping utterly blind to that disintegration of passing a bar and it occurred to me have nothing to do with me. But an basket, topped by a loaf of bread personality which helpless drinking that after my profound experience impression must have gone to the and a tea towel to give an impres- brings about. Equally blind now, I I must be all right. It wouldn’t hurt back of my head or touched my sion of respectability. Disposing of thought I could make a fresh start to have just one little’ drink. So I heart, even though I covered it over empty bottles was no problem when on my own. 1 found a job in a small did. One drink, and nothing hap- and forgot about it then. the tide was high around the boat; nursing home, where for a time I pened. So a week later, when I was Finally, I lost my job because of when the tide was down, the sur- worked hard and well. I started to passing the bar, I went in again. drinking. This looked like the last rounding mud became speckled and become happy. I believed that at last This time I had two drinks. The run-in with my partner and my then nearly covered with empties. I could turn out right, that I could following week I had three drinks, killer, my enemy and my friend. It Soon afterwards, I left my hus- give the whole of myself to some but somehow there was no lift. I had me sitting on park benches, band, all of me chattering with the service or endeavor-until I dis- bought a bottle to take home, just in walking with no place to go, seeking shakes, carrying two bottles of gin covered that there was not a whole case I should need it. This precipi- to hasten towards some end, and I in a shoe case, and wearing a hat mind, nor a whole person, to give. tated the last years of my drinking. could conceive of only one kind 6f that wobbled. I took an airplane to Jekyll and Hyde, while they can- Once I was walking in the street end. America and availed myself of the not face one another, can occupy in a sleeveless summer dress in a On one last attempt to control my . hospitality of a couple who believed the same body for a considerable snowstorm. Once friends called to behavior, I had two small beers. Of that I was suffering from “nerves.” length of time. It was all of two see me and, I didn’t know who they course, there was no control. Not While staying in their house, I hid years before I became aware that I were. Other times, at night, I drank any more. The following morning supplies in the surrounding woods, was powerless over alcohol and that in a railway yard, or in telephone was rock-bottom morning. I stood into which I would stray for un- my life was unmanageable. I knew booths with the hinged door half near a bus stop, just for somewhere known periods of time. After two I needed help desperately. I loathed open to keep the light off. Some- to stand, wary lest someone should months of this and various episodes liquor now, but it seemed to keep where downtown, somebody stuck approach me. The vacuum of the of disgrace, they were suffering as me alive. I yearned for love or truth a paper flower in my hair, and I past thirteen years was a’dreadful much from nerves as I was. They or God. I wanted an answer from think I hit them, or tried to. Some- weight within me. A day later, I offered me an assisted passage to somewhere, to tell me why I was times I would sit in front of a mirror was in Washington, D.C., and on almost anywhere I would go. So I getting nowhere. sipping a liqueur out of a wineglass the final bender: gin and sherry, went to Canada. There, between a Finally, I visited a minister. I to prove that I could’ drink like a mixed with “canned heat” (squeezed bar that was a haze of green and asked if he could help me to stop lady-but in between sips I made through cotton), to give it punch. another that was a haze of pink, I drinking. He told me not to fight the quick dashes to the wardrobe, Suddenly, from the back of my mind somehow presented myself to the bottle, because it was too big for where, with the door to shield me came a memory of the words “Alcoauthorities and was granted papers me, but to surrender the battle and from the mirror, I could put the holics Anonymous” and a fragment permitting me to reenter the United walk past the saloon bar. I emerged hard stuff down. of the film about people like me. States and work there. from the talk with a deep feeling of One time, I was sitting in the I decided to find Alcoholics At the time my friends requested peace. That night I slept very well back of a cinema drinking gin, when Anonymous and to commit myself me to leave them, I was nonplussed and I had nothing to drink for a they showed a film called Some- to the plan by telling somebody by their attitude, so different from week. thing to Live For. It was about somewhere that I was going to’ do the way they had greeted me. I was At the end of the week, I was people like me, and so seemed to so. I scratched a message to this

effect and posted it to someone in end was casual, friendly, and wel- England whom I had not seen or coming. “I am calling,” I said, “on heard of for many years. behalf of a friend.” Then I found In the following twenty-four my way across town to the address hours, my life became upended and given. It was a very hot day and I its emptiness drained out. It was was very cold, shaking with hangas though the long process of dis- over and fears. In the darkness of integration that started in the the entrance, after the sunlight of English garden had been completed. the street, I had nothing to say. As With an impact and warmth of I turned to go away, a man behind inner experience that cannot be de- a table called, “Hi, gal! Sure you’ve scribed, it was made known to me come to the wrong place?’If he had that there is a God or Higher not done so, I would not be writing Power. Struggle was relinquished. this today. I would never have Faith and fact became one and the known what it is to have something same in the evidence before me: to live for, to experience a hope hopeless alcoholics who had become that brings you up from the depths happy people. I was moved as I like a cork. had never been moved before, by My mental fogginess in the begina Power not only greater than my- ning was a blessing, for it paralyzed self, but greater than the illness protest and question and just let the which had possessed me, the sort of hope flood in and put down rootspower which really could move the hope of belonging, the hope of mountains. becoming a worthwhile person. For Externally, three things happened I was wanted among these people on the day that I came to AA: I in AA, and that knowledge alone finished the mixture of drink which helped to start me on the road to I had left, vaguely wondering somewhere. In AA I came to my whether it was the last I should end and my beginning. The almosthave; found Alcoholics Anonymous chance encounter proved to be the listed in the telephone directory; chance of a lifetime. called them. The voice on the other T. W.,England

May 1969

and then serve as “toastmaster.” AA meeting-you’re not a member, “Psychiatry (or medicine, or re- because you’re taking pills.” I overligion) is no good.” Of course, the heard this being said to a young speaker probably doesn’t really girl who had very recently become mean that; what he most likely a member, and it upset her so that means is: “Before I found AA, she immediately left the meeting psychiatry couldn’t help me, because and drank again. I already was a I wouldn’t tell the truth.” But s u p friend of hers-and I knew that she pose a nonalcoholic psychiatrist (or suffered from an unrelated illness other doctor, or clergyman) is a that necessitated medication for her visitor at the meeting, for the very to go on living! Besides, isn’t there first time, perhaps. What is he going something in our program about A long-time to think of such a remark? The Live and Let Live? chances are, he will take it literally. “All other alcoholism agencies I T HAS been said that humility is the ability to accept criticism from those who are qualified to offer member speaks u p about certain This is an example of something I’ve believed for a long time: I should be operate in competition with or in opposition to AA.” I think that’s a it, plus the ability to disregard such I careful of what I say, and very care- ridiculous thing to say. Hasn’t our observations when made by un- generalizations ful how I say it. (Incidentally, I co-founder, Bill, often urged us to qualified persons. Now I don’t know know a number of members who “be friendly with our friends”? just where I stand in this respect; she hears ‘at have been helped by psychiatrists- “If your way of staying sober is I can only say that I’ve been an AA after finding sobriety in AA.) different from mine, I don’t want to member in continuous good stand- meetings “Doctors shouldn’t give pills or hear about it. My way works for me. ing for, well, nearer twenty years . prescriptions for pills to alcoholics.” I’d just get confused if you told me than fifteen; and I have in mind a Now I’m as aware as any other about your way.” Well, AA may be few suggestions that might prove alcoholic.” Is it? If it is, I don’t member that some alcoholics do “a selfish program,” but surely not helpful to someone or other. quite see why. Seems to me that abuse medication-but so do a that selfish! I love to listen to every- I’m thinking of certain things we everyone present knows I’m an al- certain number of nonalcoholics. one’s way of maintaining sobriety, occasionally hear at meetings up coholic when I’m privileged to chair Maybe they feel that if a teaspoon- for two reasons: Chances are. lots here in New England-statements a meeting; otherwise, the group ful every four hours will make them better than even that I’ll hear somewhich I’m sure speakers make in all secretary or program chairman better, then a tablespoonful every thing I never thought of that will sincerity and honesty, but-which, I would have been out of his mind in hour will make them well that much help me; and I never should forget feel, may be misunderstood and asking me to sit up front. My ob- more quickly. I wouldn’t know. But that talking about herself help the therefore may harm the over-all im- jection to this opening remark is if we’ll only stop and think a mo- other AA member. age of our beloved Fellowship. Let that a chairman may be, let’s say, ment-beyond urging a woman or a Any member may speak as she or me add this: I don’t mean to be carried away by the sound of her man to join AA, what can a doctor he pleases. If it helps a girl to bedestructive in criticizing these re- own voice and go on and on and tell do for a sick alcoholic? A nonalco- lieve that the moon is made of green marks, so I hope to add a construc- her entire story. I don’t think that’s holic doctor, a good friend of mine, cheese, let her go ahead and say so. tive suggestion after mentioning a chairman’s job. Let her speakers once asked me, “What do you peo- But let’s try to avoid handing out each statement that worries me. do that. Her function, I believe, is ple want me to prescribe for my our own unsupported generaliza- “It’s customary for the chairman to speak briefly about the program patients? Shoe polish?” tions as if they were gospel. to identify herself (or himself) as an -what AA is and what it isn’t- “You have no right to be at an I . F., Cape Cod, Mass.

May 1969

loudly, for finally it happened, just two weeks. My new Romeo didn’t as romantically as in the fantasy I find me physically attractive, as I had been conjuring up. thought all men had to. He saw The eyes met; the hands touched; right through my lwking-for-aall the old juices started flowing, friend approach and knew I was looking for a lover all the time. He ‘What Am I Here For?’ and I couldn’t stop them any more than I could stop after that first didn’t buy any of my dreams about drink. All the old ideas went into delayed youth. He understood all Four years o f ‘dubious sobriety’ paid OD action in a new setting: the mad my resentments against other womschemes to make the same meetings en. And he was just honest enough when she learned what she really that he made; the always so urgent to put all this into words. Ouch! family problem which just had to How lucky I was to fall for a guy wanted out of A A be discussed and solved by him (he who wouldn’t forget why he came to couldn’t solve his own); the same AA in the first place. (Yes, he was a old teenage palpitations when I man; I did get a few quick kisses in looked at him. Surely, this would be a car; but then he always had a date the last and greatest ego-building with his wife.) I ‘VE JUST had the kind of experience that cannot be shared with one’s fellows from the podium, but and that I’d never grow old. Maybe he could see that underneath it all I was a good, decent woman who affair, which would see me through all the traumas of middle age. ( I I wasn’t sure at first that I could survive such rejection from a partstill holds such promise of hope and had certainly been the victim of hor- thought his ego could stand a little ner in AA. Somehow, I thought he growth that I must share it some- rible circumstances. Subconsciously, overhauling while we were at it.) should have more compassion and how. As you will see, I don’t have I knew some day that perfect ro- I had had enough experience understanding for me. Ha! Dangera close woman friend to share it mantic love would come along-the along these lines to carry everything ously, I fell into my.old habits of with-thanks to my old idea that one denied me at an earlier age off very discreetly, I decided; no one remorse, shame, and self-pity, hatonly men (many of them) under- because I had been too confused to would ever suspect us. Besides, ing all men, hating myself, damning stand me. recognize or accept it. hadn’t I heard many AA people say AA, and wondering, “Why? Why? Typically, I have always felt that To state the case simply, I a nonpracticing alcoholic could do Why?” But even the dubious type of my drinking problem and, indeed, brought all my old ideas into AA anything he o r she had the desire sobriety that had been mine for four my whole life situation were caused with me. Only now I avoided all and talent for if it didn’t make him years came to my rescue, and.paid by people, especially the male men like the plague, because I was or her drunk? Man, I knew I had off. All the principles, clichCs, and species. I realize now that it was I beginning to suspect (but never ad- the desire and especially the talent prayers came to me, and I used who had been pursuing men all my mitted) what my weak point was, for this! Any thought of taking a them as I had not done since my life, instead of the other way and I felt that it would get me drunk drink was crowded out. I was really earliest AA days. I was able to around. Actually, I had always been just as it had before AA. For nearly in love this time, and at forty-seven meditate and pray and read and on a mad search for the one man four years, I walked around like a I should be able to recognize love, I pray and pray and pray and humbly who could make me feel like the paragon of virtue, condemning girls thought, especially after four years ask God to please help me again beautiful and intelligent woman I who did not avoid men and bragging of being dry and disdaining promis- just as He had done when I was knew I was supposed to be. He proudly and loudly that I would cuity. AA had already given me so drunk. would be a man who could make me have nothing to do with any man on much, and now true love! How Finally, I was able to feel some believe that I was really different the AA program. I protested too lucky could one gal be? peace and get some answers and, Well, my great love lasted about most important, be grateful for:

( 1) not getting drunk; (2) my hus- and the humiliations.” I didn’t have band not finding out (yes, 1 have too much to lose in the respect deone, and he probably is unwilling to partment; I didn’t lose my sobriety; go through another three-party ro- but I did lose something that I was mance); (3) not getting beaten up beginning to get for the first time in as I did when I was drinking; (4) my life, and was beginning to likehaving the sanity not to pester this trust in myself. I also lost the friendman and his wife by phone, de- ship (which is worth having and I’d manding that he “get over here” (I really like to have) of the guy who had done this in earlier encounters) ; wouldn’t forget why he came to AA (5) recognizing the dangers of try- in the first place. ing to get revenge-like tipping his Maybe it was necessary to give up wife off as to what was going on these things for the sake of the les- (even though nothing was) ; (6) not sons I’ve learned. Lessons like: (1) trying to persuade any of our mutual Men haven’t changed during my AA friends to talk to him for me. four sober years; (2) I haven’t Thank God that I was able to changed, either, but I have a set of see some growth. I realized how principles to guide me now; (3) my self-centered and sick I still was, search for a mad romantic love must even after four years. How sick can end if I am to stay sober; (4) AA one be and still remain sober? Don’t has nothing to do with any affairs its answer that! All I want to know members may care to have; (5) I’ll now is: how I can more humbly have to find at least’one friend to ask God to remove these defects of confide in-a woman; (6) most imcharacter, and how I can always re- portant of all, I’ve learned always member to say, “Thank You, God, to remember what I am here for. for the lesson, including the shame Anonymous, California

August 1969

When she told her story every woman in the room Helen called herself a “late bloom- spent three months in a rehabilita- P

found new meaning in some old-fashioned er.” Though her father was in the tion center, where an artificial limb wholesale liquor business, she was being built for her. She drank words like: valor, passed through Prohibition’s end steadily through its construction and courage, and the wild period thereafter with her subsequent therapy, and left the

fearlessness F ROM her very first meeting, Helen was a puzzlement to our women’s group. It was obvious no desire for alcohol. Her descrip- center, never mentioning what she tion of learning to drink in post- had come to know was her real college days from a party-mad problem. At the end of the line, she from the start that she might have cousin was hilarious. Simultane- came to AA and our group. a different sort of problem from ously, she learned how to down When she finished her narrative, the rest of us. Her right leg had Scotch and how to bring it back up every wonian in the room found new been severed above the knee. by “whoopsing.” meaning in some old-fashioned Petite, flawlessly groomed, beau- Her story continued with her words seldom used or even thought tifully dressed, she marched in marriage to a tolerant, beloved man, of today: valor, courage, fearlesscarrying herself arrow-straight on her senior by a dozen years. His ness. Every woman took home a crutches that could be described Her only as chic fashion accessories. Sometimes they matched or comfriends provided postgraduate work new concept of honesty. in her drinking education, serving Helen is no longer puzzling; she’s “Baby” more and more because it a much-loved and thoroughly acplemented an outfit: other times was so cute to watch her. After cepted member of our group. She’s they were painted or jeweled. Helen and her husband adopted an the “whole woman” we’d all like to Name She neither asked for nor silently sought pity or special consideration. infant girl, her drinking progressed be. It has become necessary for her from “cute” to “problematic.” to call our attention to a fetching Helen listened intently, and when Then came the debilitating dis- new pair of crutches-a tribute to it was her turn to speak, she said ease that resulted in the amputation the fact that her person is so beau- Is the right things or asked intelligent, searching questions. of the leg. She remembered think- tiful, we now see only Helen, rather ing, through her pain, that some- than any visible difference. The majority of us, still close thing good would come of the We remember the conclusion of enough to the bottle to remember terrible operation: There could be her moving personal history, using the myriad excuses for drinking Helen we had invented, could not figure it out. Here was someone who had no more drink-sneaking, no more words of St. Francis de Sales that surreptitious trips down the cellar sum up the philosophy of her giving stairs to hit the liquor cabinet. . . . life: “Do not look forward to what a built-in reason to get drunk and Within three months of her ‘re- might happen tomorrow; the same stay that way. Who could condemn, turn home, she had taught herself everlasting Father who cares for you who could recriminate against a to navigate those stairs on crutches today will take care of you tomorwoman with such an infirmity? and to climb a stepstool to fetch a row and every day. Either He will Helen stayed and became one of hidden bottle down from a top shield you from suffering or He will us. She made friends quickly and pantry shelf. give you the unfailing strength to became a telephone twelfth-stepper The rest of Helen’s story was bear it. Be at peace then, and put to backsliders and new contacts. familiar: the toboggan of drinking, aside all anxious thoughts and im- One night she told her story, simply, sobering up, repenting, promising, aginations.” forthrightly, and without emotion. drinking more. At one point, she Mary C.,Missouri

said pills into your firewater, escape of a businessmen’s luncheon, just hatch, bomb or whatever you call it, when we’ve gotten our victim pleasin order to get you ( 1) to your own antly soused, he pops a pill and home; (2) to jail; (3) to an asylum; comes up sober-and the big deal’s (4) off your hostess’s (or host’s) off. Or we both pop bills, sober up, The Sober-PiII neck; (5) out of the wrong rest and can’t remember what the big room; (6) or to keep you out of deal was. any of the above and, above all, Scene three: A policeman stops out of the morgue; (7) -YOU an erratic drunk driver, who sneaks Guaranteed fill in this one. a sober-pill, soberly smiles, and Just suppose that during our most innocently says, “What’s the trouble, instant sobriety – officer?” Of course, the pill would exhilarating alcoholic wingding we if they ever Because I love good food, during got hold of a sober-pill instead of have to be combined with a powermy drinking days I studiously an aspirin. Exit the exhilaration. ful breath-freshener. There is no get it avoided combining food and alco- Suppose we punched our host or end to the possibilities (until somehol. Booze ruined the taste of the hostess in the chops, and then some body invents a blood test for traces out o f the food, I always said, so I naturally character slipped a sober-pill in our of sober-pills). Last but not least, tried to swear off eating on festive brew. We wouldn’t have a leg to just think how handy it would be laboratory . . . occasions. Let even an innocent stand on-if, that is, we were fortu- for finding your car after gettinq olive pass my lips and I could feel nate enough to have been still stand- tipsy-or remembering whether you the brakes being applied. I never ing at the time sobriety hit us. had a car–or just remembering did like cocktail parties, and I dis- The scene changes. We are sneak- who you are. There is one catch,

I SEE BY the latest news reports liked even more those gooey, that they are trying to perfect a sneaky little tidbits I could never “sober-pill.” When it’s available, resist. They nipped the effects in ing home late, stepping on the cat, however. First, you’d have to remember where you stashed your sober-pills! you’ll be able to drink all you want the bud, Likewise, the goobers, spud As for me, I shall continue tot at a party, take the pill, and then (it chips, and pretzels also took the take my AA pill, which daily, bit by says) drive home as sober as a buzz off the bubbly. It still seems bit, releases small, continuous doses judge. A nonalcoholic judge, of goofy to me to expend all that effort of sobriety. It got me sober, and course. getting bombed and then start ap- it keeps me sober and reasonably Now I can’t recall having had, in plying the brakes to slow up the happy, one day at a time. It seems all my drinking years, the least process. And what would the sober- to work even while I sleep. Tt helm desire to swallow anything that did pill have been? Not only efficient me to stay in daily touch with my not add to the conflagration. Only brakes, but a fast reverse gear. It Higher Power. My AA pill also has on rare occasions did I ever desire would have gotten a great veto from overturning the fishbowl, falling up- made me able to help other alcoto put the fire out. Yet my alcoholic me. stairs or downstairs or -YOU holics if they want help. As far as mind (the experts don’t believe I Then just think (and I shudder fill in this space. Our sober mate I am concerned, it’s more than a have one-and they may be right- to) of all the horrible situations this wakes up, so we pop a sober-pill, sober-pill-in this old world, it’s have a mind, that is) toys with and pill could create! For instance,, some laugh, and say, “You thought I was the closest thing I know to a hapis intrigued with this sober-pill and sneaky friend or misguided non- drunk, didn’t you!” piness-pill. what it might have done for me. alcoholic mate might slip one of Scene two: Right in the middle M. U., Brighton, Colo.

September 1969

Letter From a Nun story, of course, was unique, but took her to a meeting, and she has three common themes ran through been sober ever since. She told her Written to friends, this letter ultimately reached each: ( 1 ) Each did not think that story calmly and admitted that she a member of A A who, with permission, sent it to the he or she was an alcoholic until was aware of a kind Power helping later in his experience when he her. Grapevine. We feel it is a sensitive and moving report of an realized that he could not lick this After John told his story, we had A A meeting as experienced by one who is not a member thing alone; (2) each one was so coffee and doughnuts. I thanked humble in telling his story; (3) Jack and told him sincerely that, but who is with us in spirit each one came to realize from although at present I was not an attendance at AA meetings that his alcoholic, I could easily be one; strength came from a Power higher that I had to watch gaining weight, than himself -God, “as we un- watch my temper, and also get my Dmt FRIENDS: A couple of nights ago, I had a members could bring guests. The “Anonymous” part is strictly held to. No one uses the other person’s derstood Him.” For some, the work done, all of which requires power higher than themselves was willpower, of which my supply is low. He understood. One man, a the AA group or AA as a whole. wonderful experience. You could last name. The group consisted of In his story, Jack said he had truck driver, came over to speak to never guess where I went, so I will about twenty-two people, men and been sober for three periods of eight me and told me how he had found tell you. I went to an AA meeting. women. They sat around a confer- years. At the end of each period, God at AA. Another gave me litera- Alcoholics Anonymous, not Artists’ ence table. The minute we entered the craving. grew to be too much. ture and the Big Book. He said, Association. I have a friend, Joe, the room, both of us were struck But now, for the last eighteen years, “My daughter went to your school. who is an alcoholic. He knows he by the spirit of warmth, friendliness, he had been all right. He admitted I guess I can afford $4.50. Read it, is, and he seems almost proud of it, acceptance, understanding, and wel- his fear of succumbing again, but and pass on to others what it says and now I can see why. come. One rule is: No questions said, “Since joining AA, I know about the AA program.” I was going to go alone with him asked, unless one volunteers his or there will be helping hands to pull All of these people had .found to this meeting, but then I had to her story. I was expecting someone me up where it’s dry.” happiness. What wonderful Christhink of what the effect might be if to say, “Hi, Sister. How did you Jean told a longer story. She tians we would be if we accepted my attendance was noted by news- get started?” But no one did. Later started at twelve with beer, went on one another’s burdens as they do. papers or our chancery office. It’s in the evening, after the talks, I and on with no one caring. She If we loved and welcomed each too bad that people can’t live with- did say, “If I took to alcohol the married and had two children. Her other, knowing we had the same out fear of someone taking offense way I take to olives or sweets, I’d husband left her and divorced her. problems, no one would be fooled; or misjudging, but it had to be have the same problem. Anyhow, She got into the cycle of sedatives there would be no hypocrisy. thought of. So I askcd Sister P., I don’t stand a chance – every- and gin, knowing she was in trouble, I think I’d fit in best on skid row. who is a trained nurse, to go with thing is locked up.” but not admitting to herself that It’s only a lack of self-power. me. Well, there were three speakers Sent to the Grapevine by C . K., she was an alcoholic. Finally, she This was a kind of meeting where -Jack, Jean, and John. Each Clinton, N.Y. met a man who told her of AA. He

September 1969

Why did airing her problem in the confessional not help? Because, she says, it is not a moral problem A should not have in speaking to and promptly put me to bed. At Nun’s someone you address as “Sister.” fourteen, I accidentally got very We both laughed about it then, and sick drinking three cocktails on an hc promised to send a lady to see empty stomach on Thanksgiving. Story me. I was supposed to get plain punch, The next night, two ladies called, but there was a mistake. I had no and we talked for at least two hours. turkey that Thanksgiving. Also, I I stated my problem and heard my lost my liking for alcohol. Then, sponsor-to-be’s story. The next some years after entering the con- Sunday, this good lady called for vent, I had wine on important feast me in the pouring rain and took days and enjoyed it and was not me to my first meeting. I was sure sick from it. I began to look for- LCoHo~lcs Anonymous. Can I A help you?” said a man’s pleasant voice. they would tell me not to come ward to having wine for dinner. back, that I was not wanted. In- This would occur about six times a stead, I received the warmest wel- year, not too often. As time went “I am wondering if I have a come I’ve ever had anywhere. I’ve on, I sometimes got the job of problem. I’ve been hiding little bot- not missed a meeting with this par- pouring out the wine, and then I ‘ tles of liquor and drinking more ticular group since that first Sunday returned later to finish off whatever often.” in December. was not consumed. “I think you do have a problem. When I was called upon that day In the past three or four years, Will you give me your name and to tell my story, I did. There werev Sisters have gone along with the number, so we can help you?” many chuckles, as they began to modern changes, which include “I can’t do that. I don’t want identify with me. I spoke of how social drinking at dedications, aneveryone to know I am affiliated my dad told me I used to drain the niversaries, wedding receptions, and with AA.” glasses after a dinner party; of how feast days in the convent. This has “If you don’t give me your name, I entered a workingman’s tent in all been very pleasant, but in my everyone will know about you any- the mountains when I was four case it was not enough. My appetite way.” years old and on the prowl, and for alcohol had increased. I wanted When I said, “My name is Sister found a flask half full of an amber more and more. So I began taking , ” the voice at the other end fluid, which I recognized on smell- it cautiously (stealing it from the died entirely. When the gentleman ing it. I pron~ptlyswallowed it, all party) and hiding it in my room to recovered from his shock, he won- of it. As I staggered back up to the drink later during the week. I also dered if he had used language he inn, my mother met me, smelled me, had a unique way of going into the

cobbler shop through the back door, needed it. out through the front door, and I wondered and wondered what down the street to the liquor was causing the obsession; there market, picking up a bottle or two, had to be a cause. The answer, of half-pints, and putting them in the course, is that I am an alcoholic. briefcase, then picking up the shoes I watched my conversation with the and proceeding out the back door Sisters. It was mostly about liquor: to the waiting car, with the Sister how to make certain cocktails; jokes driver none the wiser. about drunks. It was financial: com- In the meantime, the soft voice parison of prices of liquor here and within kept asking, “How does all prices on the mainland. I listened this fit in with your life as a nun? to myself more and more. I knew What are you after, anyway? I had to call AA. Oblivion? Do you see where you I am happier now than I have are headed if you continue?” ever been. AA has saved my re- I thought I would air my problem ligious vocation for me. The way in the confessional. My confessor I was going, I would soon have hit was very kind and asked me to a bottom lower than anyone, beoffer it all up and not to take a cause I am an extremist by nature. drink without permission. I prom- I use the 24 Hours a Day book for ised. The next day, I forgot all my morning meditation and refer about my promise and went out and to it again during the day. The Big bought a half-pint of gin. While Book I keep in the chapel and use fixing a drink for myself, I remem- very often, as well as the Twelve bered, and thought of pouring it and Twelve. The desire to drink all down the sink. Instead, I thought is gradually leaving me. A couple of I would finish the bottle and not weeks ago, I began to think maybe buy any more. it would be all right now to try to By this time, I had found out drink the way normal Sisters drink, that a sip of gin on rising took but my mentors advise strongly away that awful headache. I would against it. drink any hour of the day or night. I have been in the program nearly However, I never quite lost my five months. My birthday is Novemsensibilities. I finally stopped buy- ber 23rd. The words that meant so ing anything alcoholic and called much to me, a Loner, are: “Re- AA. Why did airing the problem in member, Sister, you are not alone.” the confessional not help? Because it I correspond with two Sisters on is not a moral problem, but a phys- the Atlantic Coast and want them ical and psychological problem. I to remember they are not alone was obsessed with the idea of having either. liquor hidden away for whenever I Sister M . E., Honolulu, Hawaii

October 1969

own addiction and salvage my own life by not taking the first drink today. I went to many meetings, both reluctantly and out of fear, and combination of cowardice and at each one I heard in simplified sloth: I must be pushed to the very form the same truths my psychi- limit of my endurance before I can atrist had constantly repeated to accept or act on anything. In the me: The past will never return; the peace of an unspoiled colonial town in Mexico future is undependable; one must live today. that dozes in a perfect climate among gentle hills, with the gener- Mentally armored with a thin ous friendship of Indian and Mexlayer of self-confidence as protec- ican alike, I found myself becoming There was no A A in the Mexican state tion against slips, liberated from my daily more and more withdrawn, drinking compulsion by a few until I scarcely left my bed. I rewhere she had gone . . . and her sobriety months in AA, I decided to return sumed my lifetime habit of devourwas saved only when she acted out to “normal” society and live in the ing trash literature to ward off the present -in my favorite place in all depression that came from conher responsibility to others the world, a small city in Mexico. stantly reviewing my past, as one I did have sense enough to phone would run an old movie in slow the General Service Office, which motion, examining each scene to put me on the Loners list, because unlock the meaning. WAS LIKE most drunks: The only the point of paralysis, so I fre- there was no AA in the entire state I responsibility I’d ever really felt was to myself. My needs, my dequently spent days at a time in bed. Just as carefully, I did not tell him of Oaxaca. I’d always managed very well as a loner, I thought – except I was exhausted long before the books were. Eventually, all available material had been read and I was sires, my life, and the devil take the about the quantity and quality of for drinking, and I was now cured again alone, isolated, without the hindmost! He did. In the last sodden my drinking, nor did I mention my of that. No group in Oaxaca? So resources of psychiatry or alcohol. years of my drinking, my only con- daily blackouts. Yet somehow the what! I was at last in my right mind If this was sobriety, it was an incern was my bottle, for it solved doctor revived my moribund sur- and sober, and there was nothing supportable cross, not to be borne all my problems with a blackout vival instinct, and I became emo- else AA could do for me. I had by me. For days I brooded, until starting early every evening – my tionally ready to give up the bottle. room in my luggage for pamphlets the only solution became fixed in private trip to my own personal hell. But it would not give me up; to my in Spanish and English and for my mind -a bottle. But which After a drunken suicide attempt, profound terror, I found myself so Twelve Steps and Twelve Tradi- bottle? A gallon of tequila or 100 I went to a psychiatrist. Through physically addicted and the pro- tions, in case I ran into some un- pills? Both were ridiculously inexthree years of analysis, I carefully gression so rapid that I terminated fortunate who might be in need of pensive, and no prescription was told the doctor: All the people I’d therapy and quietly resigned myself a crash plan for kicking the habit. needed there for any powerful ever let close to me had charged me to death by drunkenness. “Crash” is a mild term for what barbiturate. with being totally self-centered; On a Sunday soon after, as a happened when my lofty fantasies Prescription . . . I had admitted feelings of isolation and extreme favor to one of my few remaining of eternal serenity without AA col- that I was powerless over alcohol, loneliness were intolerable, so I friends, I helped her get her fiancC lapsed and I fell flat on my assur- and my life was still unmanageable. sometimes drank alone; inexplicable to an AA beginners meeting, and ance and self-sufficiency. I believed I had a fatal illness. I depressions rendered me helpless to there I learned how to overcome my One of my character defects is a had heard at nearly all meetings that

long as I cared to use it. It was arranged for one of the doctors to AA is the only medicine for our all my “I can’ts” overwhelmed me drive me the eleven miles to the disease. Yet the only thing I had for a few months, until I realized hospital every day, and the chief done for myself was to stay dry. To what more selfishness would surely nurse gave instructions that the al- the highest percentage of alcoholism postpone the choice of the bottle I lead me to. Then I asked God to coholic patients were to be as- in Mexico and offered to help me would use for my death, I decided help me; for the first time ever, I sembled at the same hour each begin a group in town. At the docto really try the AA program, to stopped trying to run the world and morning. tor’s suggestion, I went to the turn myself over to that program, my own life and opened my mind Here it was, all of it done and Franciscan fathers, who immediand to give it every chance to save and heart to receive whatever might made easy for me through no effort ately gave us a room that would my life. be given me. I telephoned the hos- of my own. Even the language prob- seat 100 people. The nurse and I The only book in the house I had pital and made an appointment to lem was solved, for I had the went to all the newspapers and radio not read was the Twelve and see the director in town. pamphlets in Spanish from GSO stations, where we were charged, Twelve, and I sat down to study it. As I walked across the city that and began the meetings by reading if anything, less than half-rates. The Not much reached me until I came evening, I became more tense with from them. local equivalent of the TV Tonight to the Fourth Step. Selfishness was every step. I remembered my shy- At first, the patients (who were show gave us excellent publicity by certainly one of my major character ness with strangers. I recalled the under varying degrees of sedation) reading from AA literature over defects, and selfishness had brought Latin customs of maiiana and fre- listened politely, but were unre- the air. me to this suicidal depression. For quent reluctance to work with sponsive. What could a foreigner, In a country where many urgent several months, I’d had the name foreigners. I thought of my own re- and a woman to boot, know about things are relegated to an indefinite and phone number of the director of sistance to any commitment which the drinking problems of Mexican maiiana, where indifference can be the federal mental hospital, the only demanded time or effort. But I also men? For several mornings, I told and frequently is devastating, all place in that area where alcoholics thought of what the alternative them carefully selected episodes these things were done at once, and were treated; but I had not wanted would be if I did not keep the ap- from my own story; but it was not eagerly; many times, a scant miniany impositions on my time, nor pointment with the director, and until I became honest, confessing mum of aid was requested and a had I wanted anyone in that small through all the confusion came one theft of my neighbor’s liquor and double sufficiency received. town to know I was an alcoholic. idea, sharp, clear, and unequivocal: other alcoholic insanities, that they As the hour for our first public I had also rationalized my reluc- He who would gain his life must believed we shared a problem. It meeting approached, I became more tance to contact the director with first lose it. Some months later, I was not until I missed my ride one and more anxious -I had. never the excuses that I knew nothing of discovered I had taken the Third morning and took a third-class bus, spoken anywhere in public. What how to start an AA group and that Step at that instant. walked, and hitchhiked to the hos- could I say, especially in my faulty my Spanish was inadequate, both The director was, if possible, pital that they believed I needed the Spanish? This problem, too, was true enough. But now I had not the even more enthusiastic than I about AA program and their help to sur- solved for me. The Franciscan slightest doubt in my mind that it initiating AA at the hospital, and vive. Then our AA meetings really father superior, the chief nurse, and was indeed my responsibility to told me I could begin meetings began. a medical doctor read from AA bring AA to Oaxaca, that to help maiiana. He meant precisely that, The chief nurse, a very young literature and helped me explain the . myself I must help other alcoholics, for when I arrived the next morning woman who wanted to specialize in AA program to over seventy people. and that I must therefore go to the a registered nurse met me at the alcoholism and had visited AA In- When the meeting was opened to mental hospital. gate and showed me to a private tergroup in Mexico City with the questions, one very old Indian stood All my fears of other people and office, which was to be mine for as thought of forming a group in and told his story: how he had been Oaxaca, told me that this state has his village’s notorious drunk all his

adult life, until, ten years previously, an AA couple had passed through town and given him a few pamphlets and the Big Book. He had been sober ever since, without having known any more AAs. He told us that the literature alone had saved him, and that he had walked into town for this meeting and would walk back, over fifteen miles, just to meet other AAs. He was one of only three at the meeting, other than the hospital patients, who had ever heard of AA. room for nearly an hour, I thought After the second public meeting, I heard a knock at the door. By the AA became my 24-hour way of life. time I got there, the street was de- Closed meetings were held every serted. In a little while I heard the night; there were Twelfth Step calls knock again, and found a young and visits with distressed relatives; man who had not been with us for social workers requested informa- several weeks. After the first knock, tion; priests from other parishes he’d gone to a cantina and taken a asked for AA groups in their drink; then, terrified, on a desperate churches. For the first time, I was last chance to see whether AA really feasting at life’s abundant table in- was always there to help him, as stead of staring, famished, through he’d been promised, he had rethe banquet-hall window. turned. Beginning with that evening, However, all was not a delicious he grabbed the prcfgram and held gourmet dish, completely free of any on, soon becoming one of the bitter flavor. Meetings were dis- staunchest and most unselfish workrupted by some who came to deride ers in the group. and ridicule; slips among the new Am I still self-centered and members were frequent, and some selfish? Yes indeed, I am! I thank did not return; I experienced a my God every day for my respondebilitating dry drunk brought about sibility to my AA, for it has brought by frustrated ambition. me my most precious possession – One evening, ready to leave after my growing sobriety. having waited in our empty meeting M. H., Oaxaca, Mexico

October 1969

Me and M y Traditions

tools to help me fulfill the last part 5. To take whatever extra time is of the Twelfth Step: trying to prac- needed to keep the primary purpose tice these principles in all my affairs. primary -to put first things first. Sometimes 6. Not to be beguiled into activi- Together with the Steps, they passed over all have helped me learn what little I ties and involvements, no matter

too lightly, our M OST OF US tend to slide over the Twelve Traditions, because we feel they have to do with know about staying out of the way -my own and other people’s. They have taught me: how worthy or how attractive, that might undermine the primary purpose. Twelve Traditions “organization.” Since our primary 1. To try to put the common wel- 7. To carry my own weight in concern is our own sobriety, most fare first, rather than just my own economic matters, and to support are designed of us couldn’t care less about “or- -by being willing to yield, even those things in which I believe. ganization.” If we take a really good when I may heartily disagree. 8, 9. To remind myself that I am to protect look at the Traditions, however, it 2. To put faith in the group con- simply one of many trusted servants, will be revealed to us that the struc- science, and to try to believe that it with no special training or talent YOU, ture they set up has but one ultimate represents God’s will for us today beyond my desire to serve, responthe individual objective -the welfare of the in- -if not forever. sibly and to the best of my ability, dividual AA member. 3. To remember that the most those people who have trusted me. member of In the past few years, I’ve had the significant experience of my life was 10. To be aware of the fact that, feeling that for me the Traditions becoming a member of AA, that as an individual, I am entitled to AA are really an extension of the Steps. AAs had room for me even before hold any opinions which seem right They affect, not only my activities I wanted to join, and that they gave to me and to defend them in the as a member of an AA group, not me the time to develop the desire to appropriate places. only my daily work in an AA stop drinking, though at first I didn’t 11. To try to be prudent and not service job, but also my efforts as an have one. promote or oversell even my most individual to relate satisfactorily 4. To remind myself that nothing cherished beliefs and ideas. If they with other people. In other words, is really good for me unless other are all I think they are, they will I feel the Traditions are additional people are considered, too. have made sufficient difference in

my own life and performance to respecter of persons; it strikes the carry their weight in that way. I am famous and the obscure, the rich reminded not to seek personal and the poor, the educated and the credit for anything that I may do, ignorant, male and female, black and not to feel that I deserve it. and white, young and old alike. No 12. T o remember that the prin- matter what our position in life may ciple expressed is the important be, in our Fellowship we participate thing -not the person who is ex- as equals in sharing our experience, pressing it. strength, and hope with one an- The wonderful thing about our other in an atmosphere of love and Fellowship is that we are a society caring. In my book, that is a spiritof equals; the famous, the hand- ual idea, and the Traditions that some, the wealthy, the articulate, keep us united therefore must be the glamorous are no more repre- spiritual, rather than merely organisentative of us than is the most zational. obscure member. Alcoholism is no C . L. B., Manhattan, N.Y.

November 1969

climbed. I thought he merely had I discovered the Laundromat. I a “weakness.” My mother said so, wou!d gather up all my soiled again and again. clothes, as much as I could cram When I was nineteen, I married into a grocery cart, and be off. Near the Laundromat, I would The Laundromat Lush a fine man who had never known an insecure moment in his life, let buy one bottle of pop and a few alone the trials and tribulations of bottles of beer or wine, go into the booze. He and I had a large family rest room, empty the pop bottle, She lost so many o f her husband’s -six children, to be exact. We refill it with the booze, and proceed shirts, she almost lost him went out occasionally, and I would to do my laundering. SO innocent, take a drink to ease the tensions of so discreet! The only drawback was, daily life. It was fun at first, since I always knew how I arrived there, I never had indulged before. I had but somehow, between the rest

M Y NAME is Monica. I am an alcoholic. In my drinking days, I found the ideal spot for the alcono qualms, because I felt the source of a drinking problem was all in how weak one was, and I wasn’t like room, the rinse, and the fluff-dry, I never knew when or how I got home. I lost a lot of shirts that way, holic housewife: the neighborhood my dad ( I thought). and sometimes I was minus a whole Laundromat. There, I could be a Then my father fell down a flight wash. All this while, I wondered proper mother and wife while drink- of stairs on one of his lost week- whether I could do laundry for the ing up a storm. At the Laundromat, ends, at the peak of his career, and neighbors as a part-time job. That I was undisturbed by barflies with died. It left us dazed, because he way, I could spend most of my time questionable and unwanted inten- had seemed so indestructible. After at the Laundromat! tions. Also, I believed I was the im- his death, my mother soon picked Before too long, my husband age of all domestic virtues, secluded up drinking where Dad left off, and (who seemed to prefer his shirts in my washday (any day) refuge. in a very short time she died of dirty) put his foot down, declaring My childhood was shrouded in cirrhosis of the liver. And I still that our family might have the the fumes of alcohol. Dad’s image felt it was a weakness -plus, in cleanest clothes in town, but that I for me was that of a big Irish oil- her case, adverse circumstances. hadn’t been out of the same old man who came up through the Very soon after I lost Mother, dirty slacks and blouse for a week. school of hard knocks and so had to my five-year-old little girl was killed He said he was through and would be a two-fisted drinker. My mother by a neighbor’s car. I felt this was seek a divorce. With that he told was a lovely, sweet woman, whose the final blow. Within a few months, me to leave, because I was unfit as only weakness was my father. We I was admitted to a state hospital a mother, a wife, and a laundress. lived a kind of seesaw existence in for the mentally ill. A few months I knew he was right, except for the early days. It was never boring, after that, I was released and left that last statement. So, with mixed but I developed a feeling of deep the world of insanity, only to return feelings of humiliation, anger, and insecurity. At times, when I noticed to the world of alcoholic insanity. fear, I decided to look for an another families, I felt something was I couldn’t drink at home, because swer. My sister-in-law took me to a very wrong with ours. As my father my husband frowned upon this. (In place she had heard about that helps climbed the ladder of success in the fact, every time I saw him he had women like me. I had nowhere else oil-field business, his drinking also a frown on his face.) So that’s when to go, and I knew something was

terribly wrong, and the reason had few weeks after joining the Fellowto lie within myself. At a women’s ship, much to my surprise and de- Twelfth Step house, I became light I saw a familiar but no longer associated with Alcoholics Anony- frowning face. It was my husband, mous and became aware of alcohol- and he was learning, too. We soon ism as a disease, not just a resumed our marriage, even moved “weakness.” Slowly, my life seemed away from the street of sad memoto unfold before me, shedding in- ries and found a new home. But sights on childhood resentments, what is more important is that I jealousies, and fears that had mush- found a new life in Alcoholics roomed in adulthood, and also on Anonymous. I’m very active in AA the self-pity that I had wallowed work and active at home, too, with in at every opportunity. I saw at my family. I still wash clothes, lots last that I had the same disease my of them, but I no longer lose them father had, only I was being given at the Laundromat. That’s right! a chance to live, not die. During three years in AA, I haven’t I went to many meetings and met lost so much as one shirt. many beautiful people. One night, a M.S., Cypress, Calif.

November 1969

The Joy That Walks Ten Feet Tall

Thb abandoned church was once the old West 41st Street clubhouse.

during those years. I lived in a gray found hope and, as the program un-

This F IRST let me say, I am grateful that I am an alcoholic, and wouldn’t have it any other way. I world which was becoming increas- folded, the realization that I could ingly wearier and drearier. John lead a decent, normal life -which had a pretty dreadful experience Barleycorn, tyrannical, destructive, was all any of us wanted, anyway. longtime member with alcohol, but the suffering was corrosive, was master – and yet, in So started the remedial years, still richly rewarded, for it brought me my opinion, he became my bene- continuing. So much to be done! looks back on . to God and AA. factor, for it was he who released Operations Mop-up and Reevalua- And what have God and AA me from his bondage with his final tion got under way. There were so her last battle blow. My last encounter with Mr. many new discoveries -especially brought me? Neither space nor with the bottle. ability permits me to express what Barleycorn taught me a lifesaving the discovery of self and the redisis really in my heart, but 1’11 try. lesson, which has become even covery of God. How we alcoholics She lost the fight I had my last drink in November more vivid over the years: It is hunger and search for Him, know- 1946, after nineteen years of uncon- easier to stay sober than to get ing in our hearts we’d not be searchbut won a sober! In 1946, I was impoverished ing if we had not already found Him trolled, sick, ugly drinking. I had victory started when I was sixteen and was in all areas of my life, thoroughly – if we did not deeply believe. One defeated by it practically from the defeated; more than anything on 24 hours after another multiplied beginning. It progressed rapidly, earth, I wanted a way out. Never into months and years. The healing and the humiliation, the misery, the can I cease to thank God that He power of this miracle that is AA cringing fear and the bewilderment, directed me to the haven of AA. was working. The time came when the self-loathing, the failure, the The old ramshackle clubhouse on I was able to forgive myself; after why-why-why, the wistful yearnings West 41st Street was like hallowed that, guilt, shame, envy, and even and the “if onlys” were with me all ground to me, for it was there I the sense of inferiority -all the

enemies of the spirit – seemed to the light shine in. dissolve or at least become mini- Should all this sound .euphoric, mized. There were also deep satis- be not deceived! Sound values and factions when obstacles once so emotional growth are not acquired unyielding were overcome. And in three easy lessons. Keeping the there was joy: the joy that is outs cork in the bottle does not insure when we can walk ten feet tall in absence of all problems. The road our restored self-respect; the joy back can be long and devious. Many when we learn that we are able to character defects die hard, and dislove others, for at long last we love appointments are many in our strugourselves; when we value our own gle to face our real selves. “Wait, opinion of ourselves more than the wait,” we are told, and we accept opinion of others; when we can be- the necessity of patience and perselieve in our own thought and be verance, for we know they nurture able to defend it uncompromisingly self-discipline, indispensable to the , if we feel we are right. alcoholic. Let’s face it, self-develop- Yes, I felt that I had come out ment is a lifelong assignment; but, of darkness into sunlight. Man can though the planting be backbreaksplit the atom, but only God and ing, how rich the harvest! AA can split the human heart to let C . J . R., Manhattan, N.Y.

November 1969

was covering all the bases, just as knows of our Tradition of anonym- I had in previous interviews. ity. Mistakenly, I took for granted I hope I never again have to en- that this reporter had prior knowldure the shock I felt when I opened edge of AA and had done a little my newspaper a few days later. research before the interview. This There was the article. with a three- was unfair to the reporter, as well as column picture of me and two other to AA. M y Anonymity Slipped women who serve on the board of Perhaps it will help us to avert directors of the home. My full name such undesirable incidents if we was given. as director of the home remember our own misconceptions With all the goodwill in the world, – all fitting and proper. But, to my of AA when we ourselves were first a lack of understanding can surprise and acute embarrassment, exposed to the program. All of us, I was also identified as a member of after a year or so of sobriety, have have unhappy results Alcoholics Anonymous. Later para- had the experience of working with graphs described fund-raising activi- newcomers and finding their knowlties common to many worthwhile edge of AA to be virtually nil. And enterprises, but the wording, unfor- many of these people were intellitunately, could have given readers gent and highly educated, with an I WOULD like to share a shattering the firm belief that each of our experience, in the hope that it precious Twelve Traditions forms a may help other AAs avoid the pit- bedrock foundation for us to build I the impression that AA was involved in soliciting public donations exceptional background of general information. fall of failing to impress upon others on, a blueprint for us to live by. and in the actual operation of the Ours is an unusual association. the vital importance of personal Confidently, then, I agreed to be facility. Its recovery program is unique. anonymity at the public level. interviewed on this recent occasion, How had this happened? Hadn’t Even the structure of our “loosely It began innocently enough, on recalling the old AA principle that I informed the reporter that AA knit Fellowship” has little in comentirely familiar ground. A reporter we shouldn’t say “No” to anything members do not reveal their full mon with that of most business, from a metropolitan paper wanted that could help the alcoholic who names at the public level – else social, fraternal, or charitable orto write an article on the rehabilita- still suffers, and with the thought why the name Alcoholics Anony- ganizations. It often defies logic and tion home for alcoholic women that only good could come of it for mous? Had I failed to state that (in common sense. But it works. Unless where I am resident director. Dur- the recovery home. keeping with Tradition Six) AA is informed specifically by us, reporting the eighteen years I have been The reporter was young, eager, not affiliated with any other organi- ers will make reasonable assumpengaged in rehabilitation work, I and bright -fresh out of journal- zation or enterprise? A close associ- tions, assumptions which would be I have been interviewed many times ism school -and this was her first ate, present during the interview, accurate when applied to ninetyby the press and have appeared on exciting feature assignment. Perhaps confirmed that I had indeed men- nine out of a hundred organizations, radio and television. In all these it’s the “ham” in me, or the normal tioned these facts. but which are not true of AA. previous instances, I had been delight in sharing with others the My error, I discovered, was not As far as I know, my accidental mindful of our AA Traditions, par- important things in our lives, but one of commission, but wf omission. anonymity break liad no harmful reticularly those urging us to maintain anyway I enjoyed telling this intelli- I had failed to stress these important sults. But I can’t be sure of this. anonymity in public and to avoid gent young newspaperwoman about AA precepts to the reporter. I Some suffering alcoholic, at the lending the AA name to an outside the operation of the home and the learned, too late, that we can be so verge of surrender, may have seen enterprise. Early in my twenty-one AA recovery program available to well indoctrinated with AA prin- my full name in print as a member years of AA sobriety, I acquired the women residents. I figured I ciples that we assume everyone of AA. Through misconception and

dread of stigma, this person may being the central figure in a breach have avoided seeking AA help, for of Traditions, unintentional as it fear his or her name would also was. I can testify, however, that become public property. normal regret is quite enough with- Further, some AAs not too well- out the added pain of accusations grounded in the life-preserving from some members quick to asreasons for our Traditions may seize sume the most selfish ulterior upon my inadvertent example as an motives. excuse and a model by which to ex- The proven success of AA, toploit in public their special interests gether with the growing public con- -using, of course, the too-ready cern with the problem of alcoholism, rationalization that it’s all “for the will bring more and more of us AA good of AA.” members into a position to discuss As Bill observes in The AA Way our recovery program at the public of Life, “If every AA felt free to level. How many of us are suffipublish his own name, picture, and ciently informed to explain to others story, we would soon be launched such AA principles as anonymity, on a vast orgy of personal public- self-support, and cooperation but ity.” And in AA Comes of Age he nonaffiliation? writes, “One hundred percent per- I can’t retract the 1,300,000 sonal anonymity before the public copies of the newspaper that conis just as vital to the life of AA as tained my anonymity break, but one hundred percent sobriety is t~ perhaps telling of my experience the life of each and every member.” may remind others – and myself Since the danger to our Fellow- -to be constantly aware of the ship is the key issue, I will not dwell Traditions, which Bill tells us were on the personal embarrassment of “forged on the anvil of experience.” Anonymous, California

November 1969

New view of the Traditions From Manhattan, N.Y.: I think the article “Me and My Traditions” in the October issue is one of the most helpful things I’ve ever read in the Grapevine, for two reasons: 1. It reminded me that the Twelfth Step specifically says we should twelfth-step ourselves by

trying to practice all of the Steps in our own affairs. 2. By showing how she related each Tradition to her own life, the author demonstrated that they do apply to me and not just to AA as a whole. I’m grateful to learn to see that the Traditions are literally a spiritual extension of each Step and not just “organizational” tools. T. R.

December 1969

absolutely nothing compared to the trip I’d made the year before, when I came back from the brink of death through addiction. A lifetime away, though only one year before, the very act of getting up in the morning was more than I could stand. One small year before, every morning began at four AM. No matter when I had collapsed in , bed, at four AM would come the jolt of awakening with eyes gummy, mouth thick, stomach heaving, body drenched with sweat, and inside me the real, painful, gut-twisting knowledge that only one thing could make it possible for me to get up, to get the children fed, dressed, and off to school, and then to go to work. Only one thing. Whiskey. Or beer. Or wine. Hot or cold.

It was medicine, to be taken with or, if I was very lucky and had the There had been years and years again have to hide the bottles in the a shudder and a grimace, painfully, right excuse, I went out to lunch when I just “drank a little too laundry hamper or next to the washcarefully, hoping desperately it and had two careful medicinal much,” when my husband would ing machine, buried in the soap would stay down. If it did, there was drinks and a bowl of soup. say, “Watch it, please. Be careful powder. (Oh, how many loads of momentary peace and rest. Then Going home after work was like tonight.” He was patient, and he laundry I had done at weird hours, more whiskey, and the day began. anticipating a first date, for at home didn’t, couldn’t, or wouldn’t know so I could drink secretly in the base- In my silent agony, the children was $e heavenly release of the first that I didn’t mean to drink too ment and explain my breath to my were sent off, and I left for work. Of tall drink. With it went the perpetual much, but that once I began I husband by pointing to the one beer course, no one must know of my firm promise to myself that “To- couldn’t control the ten quick ones I was nursing upstairs.) Now the shabby weakness, so I chewed night I’ll only take a couple, just that followed. bottle could be right out there in coffee grounds and kept a constant enough to survive, not enough for It was obvious that I hated my- front of me. Now I could charge supply of breath mints handy. (Now a hangover, not enough so I need self. If so, said my husband, “Why the whole business. Now, in another I know how pathetic this effort was, some in the morning to live. I’ve got not simply stop?’ Eventually -not fifth, I could hide from worry over since the smell of alcohol was corn- to get off this treadmill!” quickly, but surely – I lost my the money I was spending. ing out of every pore.) But, hours later, I’d wake up looks, my figure, my voice, all am- Sometimes I was a wonderful Work – and soda and seltzers, wondering where I was, what I was, bition, all caring, and, at last, my mother. With just the right amount several bottles a day. Sometimes I who had put the children to bed husband. He left me because all of whiskey, I could be queen of took tranquilizers, prescribed by co- (they went by themselves, because feeling was dead, without seeing me cookies and wild laughter. But, the operative doctors who could see my Mommy wouldn’t wake up), and as I was: ‘ a desperately sick woman children learned, the next moment nerves were bad, but were never how, oh how, had I managed to kill in need of help. All he saw was a I would be completely out, almost told that I drank. I had to take tran- another fifth of whiskey without woman who obviously hated him, dead, frightening. It always hapquilizers; I couldn’t drink on the even knowing I’d done it. too, and therefore drank. pened, it had to, because I always job; and something had to calm my That was me and my life, at a Insanely, I thought, “So be it.” took another drink just to stay at nerves. At lunch, I ordered a glass point close to the end. But, of His leaving was like giving me a the peak of well-being, and so topof tomato juice or a poached egg, course, I hadn’t always been so bad. license to steal. Now I would never ped the hill and skidded down the

– other side into oblivion. Painfully, the children learned that, even if out being ashamed of my appearance and my breath. I did -yes, I “I deserve some relaxation, with children, a job, and no husband,” scrimping to do it; take a 7,000-mile camping trip; even meet a man and they couldn’t wake me up for four did -want to live., they smiled and were patient. They decide to marry again; or get a new or five hours, after that length of Sitting at the kitchen table in the asked me to believe that some day, job; or teach a Sunday-school class time I’d stagger out and blurrily bleak long hours of the night, I when the alcohol had left my mind (at least I know I can get up each and guiltily feed them. So they faced the almost empty whiskey bot- completely (it takes months to leave morning -sober). learned to ignore Mother and live tle and faced the pills and -very the mind, although only seventy-two Almost two years have passed without her or around her. tentatively -faced myself. Slowly, hours to leave the bloodstream), I since I decided to choose life instead Finally, one dreary night, the I reached for the telephone and would find the new life was a good of death. Each day I hug myself end came. I was almost out of whis- called a woman I vaguely knew had life, and my cries for “fun” would anew to find the world so good. key, and it would be interminable quit drinking years ago and still seem insane in retrospect. Problems arrive and are handled; hours before I could drive to the seemed human, despite the rumors The day came. One bright morn- sickness can be faced; there is nothnearest liquor store. I was sick and that she’d once been quite a lush. ing, I stood on my back porch, and ing so big that it can defeat me any shaking, and I couldn’t sleep. She talked to me, patiently, and I behind me.the radio played “On a more. With the gift of life spread Nausea filled every fiber. Only whis- finally murmured the magic words Clear Day You Can See Forever,” out in front of me, nothing seems key could make me sleep or cure “I need help. I admit I’m an alco- and I knew I was on the first step impossible. the nausea, and I didn’t have holic and my life has become un- back to life. It was good. I hugged The horror fades; the children enough to last the hours. And even manageable.” myself and I hugged the children trust me; and the life that was once then all I would face would be day Was it easy? Was it simple? No. with the joy of being alive. spiraling toward destruction has after endless day of the same tor- It took months of backsliding, days I had come back from the dead risen to new heights. I chose to live ture. I took every pill I had and of shakes and terrors and fears and -and anyone who does that can with reality – not to seek oblivion. set them on the kitchen table in the certainty that I’d never be happy do anything: pay bills, and be happy J . H., University City, Mo. front of me. I lined them up- or smile or have fun again. It took tranquilizers, sleeping pills, antihis- nightmare nights, filled with memotamines, and aspirin. If I took them ries so disgraceful I was sure I could all, hundreds of them, I could make never learn to live with them. it to bed and call it quits. The girls Nevertheless, I wanted to live would be better off, and I’d be more than I wanted to die. I wanted through with this farce called life. to want to stop drinking. So I went All along I’d been saying, “Stop the to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings world, I want to get off.” Now was and learned to sit and listen and abthe time. sorb. There, I acquired a peaceful Some latent spark, ‘way down be- warmth of assurance and acceptance neath the despair and torment, be- by listening to many other women neath the self-hate and self-pity, told who had been down my road, had I me I didn’t want to die. I really did rebuilt their lives, hadn’t touched a want, more than anything in this drink in three or six or nine or sixlife, to be sober, to be normal, to teen years, and said they were no be able to face any day without longer haunted by a craving. terror, to do sane and simple things When I said, “How will I ever like attending a PTA meeting with- have fun again?” or when I said,

December 1969

beneath a sloppily trimmed tree. All ego. Gone were the excuses and I was in order. The dinner was ex- alibis. Although I did not reach the cellent; the fowl was done to a turn, depth of physical illness I had Every Day Can Be neither half-baked nor charred to a crisp. The tree was lovely; the gifts, known in December, a new sickness assailed me: I was sick of me. Now, Christmas Morning in good taste. Christmas was a joy rather than a nightmare. God willing, I was teachable. On June 8, 1961, I crept into the meet- I relished the new life. I liked my ing just ten minutes before it closed. The Higher Power helps her live Christmas, new acquaintances. I enjoyed the Home free! stories I heard, particularly the ones Today, I can make a decision to one day at a time where those alcoholics had experi- go anywhere in this big state I call enced arrests, jails, psychiatric home; but if I deviate from the outwards, and other horrors which I lined route, in all likelihood I shall T HERE is no word to describe that distinctive misery when consciousness comes crawling in had escaped. For two and one-half months, I listened to tales of their antics and convinced myself that never reach my planned destination. I must first decide where I am going and then follow the directions, and one is sickly aware of another (just as I had suspected) I was not closely. dawn, another hangover, another an alcoholic – not really. I had In December 1960, I made a day without purpose or direction. simply let liquor get the upper hand, decision to change the way I lived, December 14, 1960, seemed wretch- temporarily. Thus, none of the sug- but I refused to follow the guideedly like all the preceding days. gestions aimed at recovery applied lines as they were suggested to me, Sighing blasphemously, “Gawd! to my case. and so, of course, I lost the way. Isn’t there some other way?,” I With such head-in-the-sand think- Since June 1961, I have earnestly directed the body toward the kitchen ing, it was inevitable that I would tried to adhere to the path cleared and a badly needed eye-opener. At return to drinking. I had nothing by those wise ones who have gone that moment, all similarity to other before us. The going has not always mornings ended. Two words ex- going for me to protect me against a relapse. And relapse I did! Back been to my liking. But I have learnploded in my mind: Alcoholics ed, through our blessed Fellowship, Anonymous. I consulted the tele- in the squirrel cage, I vowed nightly, “Tomorrow I will get back with that I can have Power going for me phone directory. Laboriously focus- for the duration of one day; by ening my eyes, I scanned the A’s. Sure AA.” But each tomorrow found the chains of active alcoholism binding listing the aid of that Power in my enough, there it was, big as life! me more tightly than before. daily life and through attempting Tremulously, I dialed the number. Three months passed, three to guide others onto the way, I can An answering-service voice inmonths of hellish remorse and live Christmas, one day at a time, formed me that someone would redeeper self-loathing. Someone has for as long as I choose. turn my call within an hour. I felt strangely relieved of any need for a said, “It takes what it takes.” And Alcoholics Anonymous is a feldrink. for me it took reducing myself, lowship of men and women who Eight or ten meetings later, through my own distasteful behav- share. Thank you for letting me Christmas morning dawned clear ior, to one big fat zero! Gone was share with you this joyous Yuletide, and crisp and holy. There was not any self-esteem, even the false self- sober and grateful. one “store bag” hurriedly thrust esteem I had felt. Gone was the sick N. G.,Alvin, Tex.