February 1945

Letters….

Dear Grapeme: It seems to me ~t complete possession of my bewildered is quite important to stress the danger to brain. “Go out and get a drink or an A.A. in taking medicines containing two …you need it….you must have it.” a the minutest quantity of alcohol. Some voice seemed to whisper over and over are susceptible, as I am, to the “poison” again. I was frightened, and began to in these medicines, no matter how tiny fight that first drink, we all know is so the dose may be. as it sweeps fatal. insidiously through the blood stream to Again the voice, “Oh you can do it, the brain. For many years I have been a just take one or two and come straight periodic drunk. Years ago a physician, home…. hurry up and get dressed.” Then endeavoring to “cure” me. remarked that I thought of the little black address book 1 should never touch aromatic spirits of with the names of many A.A. members. ammonia, tonics, or any medicine What good did that do? I had no containing alcohol. telephone and did I go out to phone It is an amazing fact, to me. since might I not take a drink? I sat transfixed joining A.A.. that six months before this in my chair for one hour. I tried to occurrence I had not had the slightest smother old John B. with the steps of our craving for the old stuff. I contracted a program, the shame I’d feel in the eyes severe cold, followed by a stubborn of the members I loved, if I let him beat cough which was a pippin. So I dosed me up. I prayed. Finally I could wrench myself with two bottles of a well-known myself from the chair to get to the cough mixture. I noticed it said on the kitchen for a glass of milk I did not want. bottle 14 per cent alcohol, but forgetting I had won the battle. It was short what the physician had told me ages and tough. It was he following day. I pas, I dismissed that from my mind thought: Could that have been alcohol in entirely. One night alone in my my medicine? I knewit was. I don’t want apartment, nothing annoying or worrying that to happen to others, like myself, who me, a sudden compulsion for a drink are struggling for a new and better life. ObLrcame me. It seemed to take Marie El., New York, N. Y.

June 1945

A Prescn’ptiorz for Sobriety

(Editor’s note: In the opinion of the staff, the In the opinion of a man who has profession to Support A.A. and having importance of the following interview lies in the fact administered to at least 10,000 guided Scores of alcoholics into A.A. that it represents the deductions of a man who is in alcoholics, the attempt to make this kind during the last ten years, he also the unique position of being able to appraise A.A. as both an ‘insider” and an ‘outsider”, as both an of compromise is one of the most appreciates the fact that a “slip” for an old friend of A.A. and an M.D.who began working common causes of failure to get a safe A.A. involves an extra degree of remorse with alcoholics long before A.A. was conceived.) hold on A.A. Dr. W.D. Silkworth, genial and misery. and beloved little patriarch at Town’s Dr. Silkworth is particularly Anyone who tried to impress an Hospital, New York, for 12 years and emphatic on one point. alcoholic with the approach, “you can’t now also in charge of the new A.A. ward “Slips’ are not the fault of A.A. I have your cake and eat it, too,” would at Knickerbocker, also New York, defines have heard patients complain when probably draw a scornful, “So what! who it as the “alcoholic double-cross.” brought in for another ‘drying out’, that wants to eat cake? Tony, make it a “The majority who slip after A.A. failed them. The truth, of course, is double this time.” periods of sobriety,” says Dr. Silkworth, that they failed A.A. The same idea expressed as, “have double-crossed themselves into “But this mental maneuvering to “You can’t have your bottle and drink it, thinking that somehow they can have the transfer the blame is obviously another too,” might get his attention because to a unopened bottle and drink it, too. Even indication of fallacious thinking. It is drinking alcoholic a fresh unopened though they have been in A.A. and going another symptom of the disease.” bottle, brimming brightly with abundance, to meetings, and following parts of the A quick way to get Dr. Silkworth’s is a symbol of good things to come. He program, they have accepted it with ‘ appraisal of A.A. is to ask him how he knows, well enough, of course, that he reservations somewhere. They actually thinks “slips” can be prevented. can’t drink it and still have it, but he have been only one step ahead of a “First,” he explains, “let’s blocks his mind to the inevitabilrty of that drink. Then they begin playing around remember the cause, The A.A. who horrible moment when the last bottle will with the notion they can drink a little and ‘slips’ has not accepted the A.A. program be empty. still have the good things of A.A. The in its entirety. He has a reservation, or The untapped bottle remains a outcome is as inevitable as the bottle reservations. He’s tried to make a symbol to the non-drinking alcoholic, at becoming empty once it has been compromise. Frequently, of course, he least to the alcoholic who has dried up in opened by the alcoholic.” will say he doesn’t know why he reverted A.A. So long as it stands unopened it When Dr. Silkworth discusses A.A. to drink. He means that sincerely, and, represents drinks he has not taken – and “slips” his usually cheerful face becomes as a matter of fact, he may not be aware the good things of life he has found by serious, even a little grim. Through his of any reason. But if his thoughts can be not drinking. long years of practice in the field, he has probec deeply enough a reason can Yet now and then a persevering become increasingly sympathetic, not usually be found in the form of a soul tries to have both the figurative and case-hardened, to the alcoholic. He reservation.” the liquid contents of the bottle. He tries understands what they experience. “The preventative, therefore, is to make an impossible compromise. Having been one of the first in his acceptance of the A.A. program and A.A.

principles without any reservations. This “To be sure, A.A. offers a number weeks or less. brings us to what I call the moral issue of highly useful tools or props. Its group “Since I have been working with and to what I have always believed from therapy is very effective. I have seen A.A. the comparative percentage of the very first to be the essence of A.A. countless demonstrations of how well successful results has increased to an “Why does this moral issue and your ’24-hour-plan’ operates. The amazing extent. belief in a power greater than oneself principal of working with other alcoholics ‘The percentage of appear to be the essential principle of has a sound psychological basis. All of success that A.A. has scored leaves no A.A.? First, an important comparison is these features of the program are doubt that it has something more than found in the fact that all other plans extremely important. we doctors can offer. It is, I am involving psychoanalysis, will power, “But in my opinion, the key convinced, your second step. Once’the restraint and other ingenuous idea have principle which makes A.A. work where A.A. alcoholic has grasped that, he will failed in 95 per cent of the cases. A other plans have proved inadequate is have no more ‘slips’.” second is that all movements of reform the way of life it proposes based upon minus a moral issue have passed into the belief of the individual in a Power oblivion. greater than himself and faith that this “Whatever may be the opinions Power is all-sufficient to destroy the one professes in the matter of philosophy obsession which possessed him and was – whether one is a spiritualist or a destroying him mentally and physically. scientific materialist – one should “For many years I faced this recognize the reciprocal influence which alcoholic problem being sure of one the moral and physical exert upon each scientific fact – that detoxication by other. Alcoholism is a mental and medical treatment must precede any physical issue. Physically a man has psychiatric approach. I have tried many developed an illness. He cannot use of these orthodox psychiatric approaches alcohol in moderation, at least not for a and invented some new ones of my own. period of enduring length. If the alcoholic With some patients I would be coldly starts to drink, he sooner or later analytical, if they were of the so-called develops the phenomenon of craving. ‘scientific’ type who is apt to have a Mentally this same alcoholic develops an superior attitude toward anything obsessive type of thinking which, in itself emotional or spiritual. With others, I a neurosis, offers an unfavourable would try the ‘scare’ method, telling them prognosis through former plans of that ifthey continued to drink they would treatment. Physically science does. not kill themselves. With still others, I would know why a man cannot drink in attempt the emotional appeal, working moderation. But through moral both the patient and myself into a lather. psychology a new interpretation of an He might be moved to the point of old idea A.A. has been able to solve his shaking hands dramatically and telling former mental obsession. It is the vital me, with tears streaming down his face, principal of A.A., without which A.A. that he was never going to take another would have failed even as other forms of drink. And I knew that the probability was treatment have failed. that he would drink again within two

July 1945

No Repeaters!

To avoid possible disadvantage to the hospital, New York’s Knickerbocker Hospital service for A.A. sponsored alcoholics (The Grapevine,June, 7@5) provides for acceptance of an alcoholic patient only once. No repeaters.

September 1935

Two Classes Who Fade A Third Finds the Way- (Editors note: Here is an analysis of the kinds of once believed would have been their Members of this group have a sincere people who come to A.A. as seen by one of A.A.s desire to stop drinking because their past best non-alcoholic best friends a man who has salvation. They may become the worked constantly at helping others and who has severest critics of A.A. Their short-lived life has been revolting to them. They guided many men and women to contented sobriety sobriety was merely emotional. – have a firm desire within themselves, in A.A.) with the help of God, never to return to Looking for a Rabbit the nightmare of yesterday. At times, one wonders what happens Frequently we hear from speakers that to the large groups that enter the A.A. As pride dominates the heart of the they have had a personality change, yet meetings. New faces are seen weekly first group, self-centeredness or when we boil it down, this personality -and time after time they fade out of the selfishness is the driving power of’ the change is nothing other than intellectual picture; others remain and stay within the second group. These enter into the conviction that selfishness is out in this fold three, four, five months; some – program expecting a rabbit to be pulled social world. A new sense of values has altogether too few – continue on and from the hat in their case so that they will come into them, coupled with the remain faithful to the end. be able to drink in a sane, sociable conviction that a loving God is at the end To a person observing this manner. To use the parlance of the of the road. These individuals speak of phenomenon, he would judge the street, they are merely “on the wagon.” past transgressions. They smile and ciientele of A.A. to be tiivitieti into three Selfishness and the love of their laugh or see humor in the things they groups. neighbour for God’s sake cannot be have done, and what to them was a combined and hence they are not willing terrific problem or upset, now provokes Temporary Sobriety or anxious to attempt to bring others into their sense of humor. These are the the fold because in the belfry of their members who do not hurry or race to this In the first group would ‘be tnose brain they nave thought they can drink individuais wno enter with tne best of one or that one who is drinking and they. again. After three, four or five months, do not approach a prospect until they intentions but are only emotionally these indiviauais begin to miss meetings, balanced for the time being. These themselves first have the program firmly find fauit with other members and use in their minds and are on the straight and applicants grasp only a few steps of the every possible excuse for not attending program, especially the one that they narrow path themselves. witn regularity. As a rule, they drop out of ‘ In other words, they seek quality rather should go out and help others. Not the picture, claiming that A.A. has having learned the “ABC” of the program, than quantity in the number of nothing for tnem, yet a large number, approaches they make. Humility and in general they go out to sell a product after a long period of drinking, eventually the nature of which they know little thankfulness to God are the dominant return. factors with this group. about. Hence when someone contradicts their viewpoint either outside or inside a Contented Sobriety meeting, they become resentful and in their pride, which has been hurt, they The third group, to my way of thinking, reject in toto the program which they -has what is called contented sobriety.

September 1945

Affer Three Months

My impressions of A.A., after controlled by intelligent analysis and will a character and personality that had being a member for three months: power. potentialities for accomplishment. I doubt whether anyone, except Several of the women members An inscription on a wall at the myself, realized how necessary such a got in touch with me but I was entirely American Museum of Natural History contact had become. Following a nine unable to talk with them., Emotional seems to me a most admirable month period of no drinking, during which conflicts were making it difficult for me to e x p r e s s i o n of p h i l o s o p h i c a l I was most unhappy, I decided hat it do anything except not take a drink. I encouragement. I quote, in part: would be possible to start again, holding found the open meetings more beneficial “Only they are fit to live, it under control. Strangely, I was for there I could sit quietly and try to Who do not fear to die, encouraged by my friends who understand what force prompted these Nor are they fit to die mistakenly insisted that I was not an speakers to express themselves so Who shrink from the joy of life, alcoholic, and should not be deprived of candidly and with such sincerity. and the day of life.” this pleasure. For the next six months I Although I am a person of no particular seemed to be progressing satisfactorily – religious conviction, it gradually occurred never taking more than two bottles of to me that here I was finding access to a A X , New York Ciy beer or a few glasses of wine each day. new philosophy of living, which is the One evening, however, after this quota I essence of all religion. I have not tried to surreptitiously drained a small vestige of completely analyze the 12 Steps or even rum remaining in a bottle, and almost the book, in its entirety, for to me the immediately came the thought, “This is three essentials are honesty, humility and not so good!” Although I didn’t realize it, faith. Upon these Ihave set my standard, after that action (A.A.s wouldsay it was and I am making progress. that first bottle of beer) I was in danger. The oft discussed personality You see, I was a lone and secret drinker, change I have already experienced. the very worst of all. From then on, the Courage, through the help of God, has old habit reasserted itself and while Iwas been granted me, at a time when I need able to hold it within bounds of detection it most, to face a personal crisis. Humility I knew that probably it wouldn’t be has replaced arrogance and the desire possible for long. One day 1 had several for unselfish action has superseded small glasses of rum before going to egocentric proclivities. Iam not unaware work, which terrified me. After this I of the fact that there is a long way to go, decided to seriously consider the A.A. for as I look back on my life I see it program. Ihad attended meetings before followed an alcoholic pattern from he but always with the mental reservation very first drink. The opportunity to make that I would not enroll myself until I was amends for a sadly messed up life has convinced I really needed it. I harboured come late but Iam immeasurably grateful the delusion that this habit could be that it came before total disintegration of

September 1945

Two Strikes fo Starf

Dear EdtocThe more I study “slips” in an effort to understand their causes, the more firmly I believe that he two most common reasons for them are: Doubt about being an alcoholic; and, selfishness. Anyone who is still wondering whether or not he’s an alcoholic certainly has at least one strike against him insofar as drinking goes. As long as he has that doubt he’s almost sure to try it “just once more.” Likewise, anybody who is so selfish he won’t stir himself to go out and try to help someone else has a strike or two against himself, because he’s bound to be thinking about himself most of the time. That’s fatal for us. Our hope lies in getting out of ourselves, rather than dwelling on ourselves, as we have during the 10 or 20 or 30 years of our drinking J 1,San Francisco, CaL

October 1945

Foretelling “Slips”

From Mobile, Ala. I would like to see a discussion started in the “letters to the editor” department on why “slips” occur. ‘ My theory is that anyone can foretell the coming of a “slip” in time to avoid it if he does something about it. I don’t think anyone has ever had a “slip” that he couldn’t look back on and discover there were danger signs he either ignored purposely or didn’t recognize. In my case, if I find myself griping about people or things, I know that I’d better do something quick. I learned that from a “slip.” That “slip” was preceded by a mental attitude best expressed by the old saying, “Everybody’s out of step except me.” There are many other causes, of course. I think anyone who looks hard enough can see them. – M. Y:

January 1946

A Slip Is Hell

From Youngstown, O M I have just returned from a trip through hell; and found that the punishment for one who has been blessed with the knowledge of how to get sober and remain dry is far greaer than it is for those unfortunates who have yet to hear of the A.A. program. As an alcoholic, there is one thing I must tell you. No calamity is threatening nor is there a calamity that can befall you that could possibly be compared with the calamity that follows that first drink. I kicked around the most beautiful gift that God ever bestowed on me five years of complete and absolute sobriety five years of great happiness for my wife and children and much pleasure for many others sobriety, the key that opened the door to a way of life the beauty of which I thought lost to me forever. It is with profound appreciation of the inner conflict that engulfed St. Paul that I recall the words he was caused to utter: “The good that I wish, I do not; the evil I wish not, I perform.” It was a long, lonesome journey, and as 1 thank God for my safe return I know hat I must never permit a day to pass without offering a prayer or rendering a service for the help of those still out there. – M.A.H.

February 1946

A Search in Persona/ Data for Key to “S/ips”

What causes “slips?” Is there one, It may be helpful to appraise some I considered myself 40 per cent or 49 per fundamental cause, or are there many of these answers now, and at least to cent or what – I don’t know. But I put a exchange suggestions, based on qualification on my status in the matter causes? Can “slips” be blamed on acts of omission or commission? experience, as to what measures have and therefore, of course, put a string on These questions deal with one of seemed to work thus far. For this reason, my coming into A.A. the most discussed subjects in A.A. In .the editors of The Grapevine asked With this mental reservation it was _ only a matter of time before I had to try fact, it might seem that the amount of several members, to contribute their discussion concerning “slips” runs far out thoughts to a round-up of what might be it again. Or, rather it was not so much a of proportion to the percentage or called clinical data on “slips.” The first of matter of trying again, as that when a frequency of “slips.” But, if so, there is a these contributions follow; others will situation arose in which I felt it would be ready explanation. appear in subsequent issues. very difficult to refuse a drink, I took one Rarely is a slip a matter of with the thought that the results might be exclusive concern. It naturally concerns bad, but not too bad. I had to do that the unfortunate victim’s family and three times before I discovered the friends, his sponsor or sponsors and I have no doubt about why I had cause. everyone else in A.A. who has been three “slips” in eight months after first Once I realized that so far as trying to help him find solid footing. making contact with A.A. I won’t say I alcoholism is concerned, one is or not; Of course, a “slip” is primarily a was “in” during those eight months, and that while the results of one matter of concern to the one who has because actually I wasn’t, even though I particular drink may be better or worse this disturbing, baffling experience. At attended a fair number of meetings, read than some other drink, the inability to best it is humiliating. Never again can it the book and listened to older members. control which it will be is the real test be said to be pleasant. I had a mental reservation about once I realized all of that, I ceased Back of the search for the cause being an alcoholic. That is, I was ready having trouble. or causes is the hope of finding the to admit that I was an alcoholic – to a means of preventing a recurrence. And degree. I was not 100 per cent alcoholic. that, of course, alone justifies the Now, of course, that seems ridiculous. questions and the discussion of the Yet, I don’t believe I was the first and My. only “slip”came after an subject. only one to harbor that cockeyed idea. evening when a bunch of us sat around Many theories have been I had never been in any jails, telling tall stories of our past drinking advanced, many answers have been asylums or hospitals. I had not lost any days. I had been dry for more than a given, and many more will be heard as jobs or family, and had not suffered year and the unpleasant consequences the practices and techniques of A.A. are much economically. So, although my life of some of the sprees that came to mind developed. Through examination of these had become unbearable with myself, and had faded a little from my memory. theories and answers, and by testing although I did recognize that my drinking Hearing the exploits of this person them in the great school of hard was out of control and a real problem, and that person in the group brought up experience, which is A.A., will finally be nevertheless I thought I was only partly exploits of my own. I remembered only found the right answer. alcoholic. To just what degree – whether

Ir occasions on which I had had some fun, be sure we bring up into our conscious Little by little 1 seemed to catch on and somehow my recollection didn’t mind the not so pleasant pictures; that is, a bit. One time I prayed for three straight follow through to the morning after. the unfunny memories of the happenings weeks, day by day, and then wandered Right there, I know now, is where that made us come into A.A. off the habit. Months later I was drunk I made a dangerous mistake. Strecker and I couldn’t understand, since I had writes on this point in his wonderful book, been twelfth-stepping out all over town. Alcohol – One Man’s Meat. He warns And I had been talking my head off at against the danger of letting your mind Don’t get sore with what you read the clubhouse “helping the newcomers,” dwell on one the rosy, fuzzy dreams of below…l know how you feel and would and not realizing my alcohol heroics. the fun you used to have. He points out have been sore had I run onto the Each slip seemed to jerk me that one should force himself to push his following a few years ago. up….to face me up to the inevitable crisis recollection on to the bitter end, whether I think the slips I have had during on the issue of prayer or humility. That that end happens to be the next morning my five years in A.A. have taught me point came on the battlefield and prayer or two years later at the end of something, so a word may he helpful, has seemed a natural fundion ever alcoholism’s progression. although controversial. But you don’t since. ‘ I failed to do that. When that have to slip to learn. Now I am convinced that my well evening session broke up, there still I blew up on a one-night stand being is in direct proportion to my attitude lingered in my mind glowing recollections after eighteen months of being dry; then of humility, honesty and helpfulness. And of days when I could drink and of those the others came after various intervals. In that my constancy in that attitude can rare occasions on which I did have fun. retrospect, the answer seems simple. In only be maintained by daily prayer as I comparison with my present prayerful am essentially an ornery jaboney. I started home with plenty of pictures of fro& glasses, sparkling liquids and practice and comfort in A.A., I am certain Now I don’t think there is a I had unconscious reservations “spiritual angle” to A.A ….rather that A.A. bright lights. I didn’t force myself to think also of the cold, grey dawn of reckoning. concerning the so-called “spiritual angle.” is totally a spiritual program. But don’t get I didn’t get home – I had my “slip.” It had been big of me to nod when sore….since this can be wrong. For the good it might do others, I’d people spoke of a power greater than like to stress Strecker’s warning. I would ourselves. I also vaguely mentioned it to also like to say that I don’t think it’s wise be fashionable, yet felt sporadic gratitude or helpful to anyone to sit around and tell toward the principle working in my behalf. As a periodic, the cause of several “slips” I had after my first A.A. meeting drinking tales just to tell them. I agree That was as far as it went, and I felt my that there is great therapeutic value in course was safe. may not apply at all to the former steady In talking to newcomers I felt drinkers. Although all drinkers may be getting things off one’s chest, and it’s basically alike, I contend that there are good when one can laugh about the apologetic on the spiritual references. 1 past. thought I was keeping an open mind but certain very important differences which But, I think we should indulge in actually I wasn’t tolerant of the prayer should be taken into account especially that kind of thing only when we are doing boys and girls in A.A. But I couldn’t when coming into A.A. – Like most periodics, I didn’t want it with a real purpose – either to relieve escape the fact that they were going ourselves of something or to help through unscathed by slips. a drink during my in-between or dry someone else. Always, then, we should periods. Nobody could make me take a

drink during those times. I could serve it myself ever filling a glass. But then would to other people with ease and have come that unexpected, unpredictable absolutely no urge to take anything change of mood. myself. Finally, I got my tip from another During these times, I usually felt periodic, and am passing it on for other pretty good physically and mentally too. periodics. Though I would have moods, I was for The lesson is that a periodic must the most riding along pretty well, with a learn to work just as hard at this fair degree of confidence, and passing business during his dry periods as when bars and liquor stores with scarcely a he may be approaching the wet cycle. thought about them. He must build up insurance. He needs to Of course, I never knew when go on the 24-hour plan just as much as these periods were to end abruptly in a the daily drinker. Only by setting up the sudden, inexplicable urge for a drink. But right habits of thought, day in and out, while they did last I was “safe.” can he protect himself against ,that Naturally, when I came into A.A. I moment when he suddenly moves from was just coming off a spell of drinking. the dry period into the wet period. As always at the end of these, I was But, if he does build every day greatly depressed, and as always before, -and if he does ask for help on those the depression lifted as I recovered my mornings when the idea of taking a drink health. Gradually, I regained my seems to him to be an utter impossibility confidence. 1 listened to and read A.A. – then he’ll have the protection he needs with great interest. It all sounded and when the time comes. seemed very understandable, logical and wonderful. But, I felt so confident that I failed to take all of the precautions. Because I had no urge to drink, being then in a dry period, I didn’t think it was necessary to go on to the 24-hour basis, to give the matter a little thought in the morning and at night, and to keep it uppermost in my mind. I “slipped” as you would expect. I repeated that sequence several times. I thought I was trying hard and I honestly never wanted to drink again. The strange thing is that during the dry periods I really didn’t see how I could ever drink. At those times, I just could not imagine

March 1946

“SLIPS” (Second in a series of discussions on the your mind to find the trouble. But, the Don’t get me wrong. I have seen cause or causes of ‘slips,’ in which different AA.s point is, you can do it and you can get agnostics and even people who thought present their ideas, experiences and suggestions as possible help for others who m a y be having rid of the reservation. they were atheists come into the group similar trouble.) and get along all right without any trouble. But they kept an open mind on Now that I have matured the subject, where I actually and somewhat, at least, and can to a certain consciously went about denying the extent face reality, I have no further Nobody ever has to have a “slip” subject – only to myself, of course. doubts that the only reason I “slipped” if he’ll just go back to one of the oldest Fortunately, I wanted to stay dry after starting meetings was because I axioms in A.A. Don’t take the FIRST so desperately that after I “slipped” I just hadn’t made up my mind definitely drink. That’s all. Forget all the rest of reexamined my viewpoints, had a talk that I really wanted to stop. them. You will anyway. Just remember with some of the oldtimers and decided I thought I had reached the that FIRST one and duck it. After I that even if I couldn’t go along at least I decision. I was fully convinced that my learned to get up in the morning thinking could keep an open mind on the subject. drinking was a serious problem and that upon that one point and go to bed at I discovered that if the mind is really I couldn’t stop alone. Certainly I had had night thinking about it. I had no more open, something flows into it. Just when enough trouble to convince me on all of trouble. or how it happened, I don’t know. But it these points. So, I thought I had decided happened. I don’t have to compromise that I wanted to stop. Now I know I still now. had a little reservation in my mind. I can’t explain how one k n stay in The reason I had two slips during that state of mind after going through my first six months in the group – now misery for years and after demonstrating I’ve been in over three years without any I am a member of the Phoenix repeatedly his own inability to cope with relapses – is that I thought I could group. Joined Dec. 15, 1944, but made the situation. But I do think that it is not compromise on a couple of points. quite a mess of things for one year. Now an uncommon state of mind. Many, I Brother, it can’t be done. The same to looking back, I have been able to believe, have a hard time getting out of Sisters. Your either “In” or you’re going to understand why things went so badly it. be “out” eventually. with me and have finally at long length Perhaps the most useful I tried to compromise on the found the strength and guidance from suggestion I could pass along to anyone spiritual business. I though I could do the God, for which I vainly searched for so is this: If you have any reservations of job on a scientific, clinical sort of basis. long. I have experienced the spiritual any kind about wanting to stop, no matter None of the “God stuff” for me. I said I couldn’t take it, couldn’t believe it, so I’d feeling that is referred to – not once, but how tiny those reservations may be, several times – so I do not think, but you’re likely to have trouble. Sometimes just deny it, and do the other things in the program. know definitely that God now is helping you have to do a real scrubbing job on me.’ I have reached a calmness

heretofore unknown to me. In short, I am humble and gratefulfor the blessing A.A. has enabled me to receive. I am 35, married and have three …. children l had been drinking for 19 …. years and an extreme alcoholic for 13 of those years. Even then, 13 years ago, 1 was trying to quit with no success whatever. – F.M.W /To be continued in subsequent issues. The Grapevine will welcome contributions to this series from any A.A.s, and especially from any who have experienced ‘slips’ and recovered.)

April 1946

d e’ Four More Explanations in “Slip” Clinic

(Third in a series of discussions on the cause or mind receptive and charging himself due to a strict practice of all the A.A. causes of ‘slips,’ in which different A.A.s present each morning with the responsibility of principles and the discipline which their ideas, experiences and suggestions a3 staying sober for that particular day. possiblehelps tor others who may be having similar resulted from a rigid determination to live trouble.) I don’t thirik any alcoholic can be within the A.A. pattern. completely safe from slipping until he has At about this time a change of When I was introduced to A.A. I attained that inward peace, that residence and a new environment made gave unqualified intellectual tranquility of mind that comes from the it easy to drop away from the group. I acquiescence to the entire program. I sure knowledge that he is performing his failed tO attend meetings, lost contact was naively amazed to find it was a duty to the best of his ability. Duty, for with A.A. members. Trithfully this was concentrated extract of the meatier parts the greater part, being the observance of difficult at first, but it became easier as of my entire upbringing; something from the precepts of the Sermon on the time went on. which I had wandered far afleld because Mount, the obeying of the Ten. YOU will of course recognize that I had found it interfered with my Commandments, and the avo,idance of my thinking was entirely negative and the opinionated ways. the Seven Deadly Sins. He must put his desite to build was, if not lost, seliously I admitted to being an alcoholic ideals on a high plane and then impaired. with what I considered minor endeavor to climb up and join them. It was about this moment that a reservations. I resolved i n a most unreliable friend said, “But, Bill, you indeterminate sort of way to stay sober. never were really alcoholic.” This was not I attended meetings regularly for a few new but it must have been what Iwanted months until the repetition became Why did I slip? Islipped because to hear so the nibbling began, not to any bor.lng. I made a number of helpful I took a drink. extent at first, just sort Of flirting with the acq6aintances but no friends; my old pal, John Barleycorn. negative actions would not attract – The result, of course my thinking anything positive. My material affairs became negative – fancied slights, improved considerably. I began to nibble “How is it,” a friend asked, “that imagined injustices, suspicion of others and ended up as of yore. In two years I had five slips and all you stayed dry for a number of years and then went off the beam?” all the old familiar themes increasing inaccuracies both in my work and in my for the same reasons: I was accepting I suppose there are a number of life – finally a very real loss of all the the protection of A.A. until my health and answers which make sense. The first values which had been built during the finances were in good shape and then I which occurs to me is that in my period of sobriety. was leaving the haven to face the issues immature development I still had the Where there other causes? of living with the same incomplete childish desire to play with fire, hoping of Doubtless, but really what is the equipment I had always had. course, not to be burned. A false sense difference? The point seems to me to be I believe any alcoholic who of security must have been developed as that daily we must reinforce our sobriety accepts A.A. can be reasonably sure of a result of several material “successes.” by a conscious acknowledgement to the not slipping by doing nothing more than The plain simple truth is that the Supreme Being, that it is only through attending a weekly meeting, keeping his only success which I may of had was His help and guidance that we are sober,

and to fill our minds with the principles I thought I had made an honest face oneself honestly) but the reward Is and teachings of A.A., and to practice them in all our relations with others and effort to stand on my own feet my own great. The reward is a rounder, richer emotional feet. But I learned that I must personality. in all our affairs. do more than that. I must, also, leam my I see this sort of effort as part of limitations. the A.A. program. The 4th Step – I earned my living at a full time job interpreted in my language – reads on – Iwas treasurer of my group – I spoke at part “A fearless and searching self- After twenty-one months of outlying groups and did considerable analysis.” sobriety I got drunk. Until a few hours 12th Step work. I left myself no time to before, the idea of drinking hadn’t I do not delude myself that I will be patient or pupil. I should have spent do a thorough job – that I will become as occurred to me although I had been part of my time with older members on confused tense – frustrated – completely whom I could lean – from whom I could whole a personality as I could wish but I will do the best I can. negative in my thinking for several receive counsel and strength, for I had That which is too costly – that months; turned in on myself. not yet developed objectivity – except in which causes more emotio,nal I had thoughts of suicide – planned flashes. I could not sustain it under disturbance than I can support, I shall try it in my mind but I hadn’t thought of pressure. drinking. “To drink again,” I would have to side-track temporarily. I hope to be Some of my friends said said, “I’d have to be insane.” Well I was afterwards “You worked too hard sufficiently alert to learn my tension capacity. – temporary insane. exhausted yourself physically.” True, but Behind me is another fifteen For days I sobbed my heart I cannot escape the fact that I had months of sobriety and I am content. out and relaxed. My immediate aim had created the circumstances that made it Things have shifted back into perspective been achieved. necessary to work too hard. and I feel somehow free. After years of Then followifig a perid Of To avoid everything that is blundering attempts to fight life, I am complete dependency. Dependency On disturbing, even if it were possible, would trying now to live it. my doctor – on my friends. Perhaps this be limiting. It would limit emotional was my greatest aim – dependency. growth, intellectual understanding and BU~ why? I had long been aware narrow the scope of one’s activities. Yet, of the fact that my pssitive – aggressive – Imust learn what I cannot endure safe&. extremely independentattitude was false. If I cannot resolve the conflicts that drive False in the sense that Iforced myself to me blindly, Imust avoid what disturbs me be all these things against the wishes of – too much. the largest part of my personality the – This is an individual matter which unconscious. This false front was each must discover for himself. It is a intended to prove to the world and myself question of learning not only what to do, that I wasn’t too frightened to live. In the but what not to do. language of psychiatry, I was Over- Inaturally wish to integrate without compensating for an unconscious desire sacrificing too much of my personality. to be very dependent indeed. I had seen This requires considerable work quite clearly that alcoholism ultimately (analyzing – explaining – reeducating) and makes a dependent of everyone. some unhappiness (it isn’t pleasant to

May i946

Slips Laid to Lack of Faith

Confined to tied with a prolonged the answer without the daily prayer, as matter of fact, if a man is desperate illness, Ihave had ample time to dwell on unorthodox as that prayer might be. enough to admit to himself that he’s an the problem of “slips.” Through a process Every A.A. knows it is the first alcoholic and in crying need of A.A., I of elimination I have arrived at one drink and its effects that does the trick. don’t believe that the injection of a little conclusion. He or she has learned through A.A. the more of the need of the “Greater Power” Family upsets, business and chemical reactions that drink has on the into his initiation would greatly disturb financial troubles, etc., have been alcoholic. We all agree that no one but him. It also seems just as important to advanced as various reasons for these an unmitigated idiot would take that first me that A.A. not neglect the fact that no “slips,” depending on the individual case. drink under the circumstances. Yet matter how long a member has enjoyed Let me not lose sight of the fact that no knowing all this, an alcoholic will take sobriety, he’s just as liable to go off the matter what conditions prevailed at the that drink unless he places completefaith deep-end and in as much need of time A.A. was accepted by these in that “higher power” and he’ll do it consideration as the most recent members, they managed to stay sober. every shot out of the gun unless he has member. So after many months or years of that faith, A.A. or not. Those of you who are inclined to sobriety, none of the conventional There are some A.A. who always look upon A.A. as an association of reasons, or excuses, for going on a have been good churchgoers, but whom drunks standing shoulder to shoulder bender can be advanced for these cases. the church failed to help with their against the common enemy, alcohol, and I believe there Is only one reason drinking problem. There are other A.A.s feel that all you need is each other’s for these slips. The errant members who say attending church fills them with help, just look over your shoulders and negiecied – pemaps ior one day – io resentments. Some profess upon sense where your real strength lies. A piace their lives in the nanas oi that ..wearer Power.:’ entering A.A. that they are agnostics and others say they ara downrlght atheists. friend of my wife, a woman who is not given to being emotional, after attending i e i us noi wiame ine inaiviauais But all who have succeeded in an open A.A. meeting, summed it up like ioo much ior inis. Ratner – is it noi maintaining sobriety over a prolonged this: “It was inspiring – it is the most because ar many oi tine meeiings there period have done so by turning to tinat religious group 1 have ever seen.” has been too much of a tendency to “Greater Power,” eiiner consciously or Perhaps she’s right, folks, perhaps she’s accentuate the fact that “this is not a subconsciousiy, fnrougn wnoie-nearieci right.religious organization”? The group accepiing A.A. J. L.N., Mern’ck, Long Island: N. Y: therapy has been stressed to the it is my belief inai Ah. members extreme of late, while the religious aspect who have “siipped” have done so has been side-stepped as much as because they first “slipped” back to their possible. old ways of thinking. This has been I know from my own case (and brought about in a large measure by the others to whom I have talked have had playing down of the religious angle of the same experience) that , althoughdhe A.A. in the belief that it might have an group has helped, it alone wouldn’t be adverse effect on new members. As a

June 1946

“Slip Clinic”

The time to give eamest consideration to in China or Peru, as they do in New York “slips” is before they happen. or Oregon. It is little use going back for one’s There is no imperfection in them. umbrella after the storm breaks. Better to The imperfection is in ourselves. ‘ have taken it along. To score one hundred percent in The direct or overt cause of a applying the 12 Steps in all the affairs of “slip” is known only to the person our daily life is impossible. involved. But the real, fundamental cause But so far as maintaining sobriety is easily found. is concerned we can so improve our Somewhere along the line, one or score that these unhappy “slips” if they more of the 12 Steps has been do not become impossible, will become overlooked, by-passed, or neglected! far less frequent, less prevalent, and Even one neglected step can more and more on the way to becoming cause all the trouble. “unthinkable.” One slip on an icy pavement is all “Controlled slppiing”” leads to an that is needed to break one’s leg or attempt at “controlled drinking. fracture a skull. The 12 Steps can’t be edited, not The 12 Steps earnestly followed, “blue-pencilled.” prepare one for every contingency. We “shot the works” when we The 12 Steps need no were on our bats, binges, and benders. amendments. They cover everything And now if we want to stay dry, necessary to our new pattern of life and we have to “shoot the works” o/n/The every safeguard for maintaining complete Program. – LC., Portland Ore, sobriety! They are not local, or national only. They have a universal significance and application. They work as effectively

June 1946

Better to Be Drunk Than Merely Sober

“If coming into A.A. meant nothing have become alcoholics; they felt the more to me than being sober, I’d get out irresistible compulsion to drink to escape of it, get drunk and stay drunk!” said from life. They feel that if they merely get H.D., a all personable gent, as his “dry” and still remain in the old rut of opening blast at a regular meeting of the thinking, living and working, they’ll fall flat Orange (New Jersey) group. on their faces in slip after slip. “What I mean is,” explained H.D., “If some guy is sitting around “if I continued to think and act and live feeling awful and fighting off taking a the way I used to in my drinking days, I’d drink – he might just as well go out and be so unhappy and miserable I’d simply get himself stinking . On the other hand, have to drink.” if he’s stepping right along into his new H.D. was expressing his own world he’ll be too excitedly happy as new opinion but it turned out that it was vistas of what his life can be, open up actually the keynote of this particular A.A. before him. It’s as different as looking at group. Starting out with seven members the world from the bottom of the well or a little over a year ago, they now number from the top of a mountain.” around 60 and have made quite a name One of the most interesting things for themselves. They aren’t very about H.D. and his gang was the interested in the drinking histories of the conversation after the formal part of the new recruits and you don’t hear the blow- meeting. There was very little of the by-blow accounts of drunks, even in their typical A.A. talk which is so often heard open meetings. “All us alcoholics sound in most groups. Everybody was bursting alike – why listen to a lot of chatter about with the things that had happened since binges?” they say. the last time they were together A h e As a result their meetings are very new job, the new home, the different alive and not at all repetitious – everyone books they’d read, civic affairs, and what tells what happened since he got into was the basic reason behind the drinking A.A. “It’s a cinch nobody would be fooling in the case of some newly contacted around here if he hadn’t had trouble with prospects. liquor. We want to hear what people’ve It struck the writer that here was a done since they got ‘dried up,’ not crowd of A.A.s who were really before.” concerned with the next 24 hours – not This bunch subscribes the last 24 years, weeks, days, hours unanimously to the belief that they were yes, minutes. – C.C., Manhattan. pretty unhappy people or they wouldn’t

September 1946

Lookhg at Myse/< After Six Months in A.A.

So – you haven’t had a drink for noble about giving up something that last in town where liquor was handy in six months, and you feel pretty smug ruined your life and that of others? Let’s any quantity and for the first time in your about it! You think you are quite a guy to examine those reasons you think up for life there was no one to tell you to stop? have given up something which was so wanting a drink and then let’s see if any Or did you stay awake and remember it important to you for quite a few years! of those reasons are any good at all. all – every wrong you had ever done – But you think about drinking many times and that your wife was dead because a day and even look back on those she no longer had you, and when you I NEED A FEW DRINKS TO RELAX drinking years with regret that you can’t went to sleep didn’t you dream of it all ever drink again. just the same? So a couple of drinks would relax The other night you even you? How about your journey from doctor I WANT TO SIT AROUND DRINKING remembered waking at 2 or 3 or 4 to psychoanalyst to psychiatrist to SOCIABLY WITH PEOPLE O’clock in the morning, taking those psychiatric hospital, and the trips to Rock drinks, then getting back in bed and Island and the Ozarks and then to the letting that beautiful peace creep all over ranch to get away from those knots in About how many times have you you until you went to sleep again. the stomach which disappeared only tried that, and how did it turn out every Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? But why when you stopped drinking? Those knots time, without exception? Did people say don’t you remember what went before were from tension you know was brought what a swell guy you were to drink with, and came after that same peace? Why about by the very liquor you say will relax or did they steer away from the guy who don’t you remember that you woke up you. Just how does that make sense? drank himself stupid and couldn’t lift his sick and tense and terrified before you You really should know that you are head after those drinks? You always got had those drinks, and although they did more relaxed now than you ever were away by yourself to drink because you make you feel awfully good, you woke during the drinking years. knew you were not a pleasant sight ‘ up, and has to go through the same drunk and you always got drunk. procedure? Or it was time to get up: you I WANT TO DRINK TO FORGET had to talk yourself out of bed and to the I THINK BEITER WHEN I HAVE HAD A bottle and in to a breakfast that nearly What do you want to forget? The COUPLE OF DRINKS gagged you, and then had to get through things you did and didn’t do when you a day that was hell until you could get were drinking; that you lost your money Did you think very well those back to that bottle. How about , and friends and your wife? You lost drinking years, and if you did will you remembering some of those days after them by drinking, you know. Did you explain just what brilliant headwork on ‘ that night drinking? forget on those days and nights you were your part lost those jobs, your wife, etc.? That is just one part of it. Why do in that room at the ranch with the bottle How well did you think that night when you want to drink and why do you think handy? Did you forget when you were in your wife called from New York and said so often about drinking with regret that Willcox and nothing seemed worthwhile that it was very important for you to write you had to stop? And why do you feel so and you just drank because you were at to her and tell her how you were doing?

You borrowed a bottle and were going to did in the ten years you were a drunk? the first few and what did the first few do drink very carefully so you could write You want to drink to get over something to you? Didn’t they make you feel rotten, her the best letter you ever wrote so you that drink caused. Nice if it worked that so rotten you had to take more to get could go back to her and really work and way but it doesn’t. over feeling rotten and where did you live. You got drunk again if you wind up? Do you remember the last time remember and the letter wasn’t so much I NEED A LllTLE EXTRA NERVE AND you tried that and you lasted three and right then she gave you up. ENERGY RIGHT NOW months but wound up in bed in the hospital after quite a few noble feats like I USED TO HAVE SO MUCH FUN How about the time you got the you always did. Got any more reasons or WHEN DRINKING job in Princeton and tried the same idea? excused? If I remember rightly you took some As near as I can figure you want . “Used to” is the correct phrase. drinks for that purpose and lasted to drink to relax, to pep you up, to dull Those days have been gone for a long through three days and then came home your memory, to sharpen your wits, time. How about those parties at Dobbs drunk and wound up at St. Luke’s because you feel good or feel bad, to Ferry and other places when you left Hospital again. I can give you more have fun when it isn’t fun, to get over early and had to hole out somewhere examples or will you remember that one things that drinking caused, and a lot of because you hadn’t waited until the party the rest of your life? other contradictory reasons. Actually you started and were drunk before the party just drank on any excuse. Are you really even arrived? How many good times did I WOULD MEET MORE PEOPLE IN THE stupid enough to hang onto a lot of you miss by being drunk or by being in BARS AND I LIKE THE EASY phony reasons based on times when it the hospital sobering up? Do you miss a INFORMALITY OF BARS seemed to work when you have to admit lot of fun by not drinking or did you miss now that it never worked for yov? I can’t a lot of fun by drinking? You know the That wasn’t really so much fun at really believe you forgot that drinking answer to that one. Chez Marie, the Mayan Room, Toot took just about everything away from you Shors’, the Stork Club, the way you did it, and brought ail the things you are trying was it, and was it so much fun in the to work out of now. Sure, you are I AM NO FUN WITH OTHERS IF I Third Avenue saloons? Was it fun in lonesome. Did you expect people always DON’T DRINK Steve’s, and the Dublin Bar and Grill, and to put up with you as you were all there the Cedar Tavern, especially in the early years? Will drinking fix it up, or is it a Does the record really show that morning? Would you like those days better idea to keep away from liquor and you were the life of the party when you back or do you like the life you lead now live so people will trust you and like you were drinking? I think we have already a little better? and want you around? Maybe that will covered that, don’t you? happen if you do stay sober but you know it won’t if you drink. I WANT A DRINK TO GET OVER THIS I JUST WANT A DRINK OR TWO A Wouldn’t it be a good idea to tell HUMP DAY the truth? You really want to drink yourself into stupidity and just give up. It What hump are you on that the seems like an answer if you don’t look at drinking didn’t put you on? Haven’t you This is the worst one you have it very closely but just for fun let’s look at done more these last six months that you pulled yet. When did you ever stop after it closer, lots closer. All right, you give up

and drink plenty – for you will drink So you have thought up a lot of plenty, you always have, if you drink at reasons for taking a drink but none of all. You can’t work and pretty soon you them stands up very well. Are you going can’t eat. That can’t go on because you to keep on trying to find an excuse you need the money your job brings you and haven’t already knocked apart or are you nature says you have to eat. It is just that going to keep on knowing that you can’t simple. No one is going to take care of take even one drink? Try to forget about you financially or physically. And it takes drinking and use that new clearer mind to so long to drink yourself to death – get the things you know matter to you remember that fellow the doctor told you and that you want so much. Don’t you about, and he had almost unlimited think you have a much better chance wealth. It took him three years, and in without liquor than you ever had with it? that time he lost both his legs and his Keep on being honest with mind. It doesn’t sound like such a good yourself – you cannot drink and you do idea, or such an easy death, does it? not want to drink, and you do not have to Suppose you don’t have what you drink. You want friends, and your job and want, are you going to get any of it by the things that some money will bring drinking? How much more do you have you. You want to have some pride in now that you haven’t had a drink for six your-self and confidence in yourself and months than you had a year ago when other people’s confidence in you. You you were drinking? Do you remember want the knowledge that you can make when you came over here from the your own way to where you want to be. ranch, just a drunk to everyone but You know that you can’t do it full of liquor yourself? You have a job, some real but maybe you can do it sober. It really is friends, you have a chance now and you your only chance, you know. Remember are beginning to feel that some day you – there never will be a good reason for may find a life that is not only- tolerable taking one drink but there are thousands but happy. Would you have said those of reasons for you never to take one. things if you had kept on drinking? B.C.,Tucson, AArzi

September 1946

Climbing Back

From San Francisco, Cal I have to take hold of myself as quickly as I can and try to get that harmony As a person in A.A. becomes back. If I do not, I may get drunk. And I more willing to have a Higher Power help don’t want to get drunk. If I do, I lose all him, he thinks less of himself. He is I have. sustained by and lives only as the It’s a long way back. Believe me instrument of this Power – called God. As I know. I am trying to climb back now. It’s he receives help, he gives help to others. not so easy .The willingness and desire Sometimes, the harder he tries, to stay sober more than anything makes the less he attains. So he must take it me try once more. I hope and pray I can easy and live each 24 hours the very correct those evil things before they build best he knows how. Slowly but surely he up within me again before they make gets the feeling that he is being helped me forget that I am an alcoholic and I by this Higher Power. He feels peace take that first drink. Should I take that and happiness, something money cannot drink, I’d be off to the races – another buy. drunk – the same old pattem of thinking Who am I to tell you what it is? I and living. do not know. But when I feel it, it is I know. I tried it. It was not fun. wonderful. Sometimes I lose it. Then I Why? Because A.A. had taught me have to try o get myself in tune again so better. I also know in my heart if I had I can receive the help I know is there. asked this Power for help before I took Because I have felt that help before, I that first drink, and if I had really been on cannot now doubt that it is ever present – the 24-hour program, I would not have if I be willing and ready to receive it if I got drunk. I hope and pray that all of us do not close my mind and heart. ask for help, and when we receive it, we When I lose this feeling of shall use it the best we know how – each harmony, I lose my temper, self-pity 24 hours. returns, I am dishonest with myself, Juanita W jealousy creeps in – so does selfishness.

September 1946

PARDON ME, YOUR SLIP IS SHOWING!

Yes, your slip does show that you “belonging to” A.A. may ameliorate a have failed to have faith in yourself and hone or business situation – at least for in A.A. the time being. Slips are all too common in A.A., It must be remembered that there primarily because any and all with an is nothing in the A.A. program that alcoholic problem can and do come to makes it work. We have to put it to work some A.A. group for help. There is no on ourselves. Our only measure of pre-selection by A.A. as to the sincerity success is the sincerity of our desire to of the applicant. stop. It has to be assumed that the The attitude of the people who slip newcomer is sincere in his desire to stop sometimes seems to be one of surprise drinking. No one is eliminated. This is a sort of “By God, it didn’t work!” important to remember as it accounts for It seems almost unnecessary to a large number of the small per cent of talk about alcoholic thinking. Yet few failures to achieve sobriety. realize that only one Step mentions Naturally it has to be assumed alcohol – the balance are concerned with that the new-comer is sincere in his our characters and our thinking. Could desire to stop drinking and that after an there be a clue here to slips? explanation of the A.A. program of 12 There should be great sympathy Steps and its purpose, he should be able for and all the help possible given to to make up his mind. There isno way of those who slip. How often we should knowing whether the prospect has “got help should be based on the reason for to” or “wants to” stop drinking. In that such slips and measured by the amount may be the basic reason, without any of effort put forth by the victim of the slip. rationalization, for slips. It must not be – Norman B., Manhaftan. overlooked in this connection that

September 1946

Playing at A.A.

From Po/t/and, Ore.

As new groups are continually recuperate and build up for another being formed throughout the country, and binge. In short, they are playing around we are receiving more and more in A.A. Every honest member of 4.A. publicity, it is inevitable that we shall must know one or two. It often takes attract numbers of persons who do not some little time to recognize them, but po.ssess the first requisite foe when they are recognized they should be membership in Alcoholics Anonymous. at the very least, discouraged from, or We mean those who do not honestly perhaps 1 should say, firmly, but politely admit that they are powerless over denied admittance to meetings open or alcohol, and who do not have a wholly closed when they are even slightly sincere desire to be helped to quit “under the influence.” drinking once and for all. The harm that can be done by Numbers of such persons are such persons to honest, but doubtful already to be found in every large group. newcomers is too serious a consideration The class we refer to are not “true to be ignored through a mistaken alcoholics” desperately in need of help, conception of tolerance. but just more or less intemperate Nor should the contents of this drinkers who come into a group for letter be mistaken for “smugness” or selfsympathy, and for a breathing spell complacency – on the contrary I feel that between bouts with John Barley corn. I am voicing the opinions and sentiments There is an old and apt quotation that of many others. goes: “The devil was sick, the devil a I hope that you will print this letter saint was he; the devil was well the ‘divil’ in order that we may have the views of was he.” others as to how this situation can best They have a tendency toward self- be dealt with – L. C. dramatization, and come into a group to

November 1946

Sobriety Makes the Price of a Drink Too High

From Grand Rapids, Mich, I’ve been thinking of all it would until the quite few dollars I have in my with all prestige, seniority and confidence cost me if I took a drink today …Strangely pocket now will have dwindled to only a wiped out (that’s what happened last enough, I find that the longer I go without few. Those of you whom I may have met time). Or, I may have a commitment to a drink, the greater the cost of taking one and who might have tried to pull me out Kalamazoo hanging over my head or be will be! of it will have given it up and I will be left in jail for 30, 60 or 90 days – if 1take a If I take a drink today, I’II get into entirely alone. My wife, by the absence drink today. the YMCA some time after the bars close of mail from me, will know what has But at very best, I can only be tonight, fairly drunk, for I won’t take just happened and all the confidence she has back to work under reduced earnings one drink, and about seven tomorrow built up in me these past several months and restrictions. I doubt that I’II have my morning I’II get up, feeling rotten and will be gone and probably never restored room at the “Y” – I’II have all those debts wanting a drink. After the drink and a cup – if 1take a drink today. to pay back, including a doctor bill. What of coffee, 1’11go to work, feeling guilty and nervous and with a foggy brain. If no one The Old Squirrel Cage clothes I have left will be too large, for questions my actions, I’ll probably the 15 pounds I have gained in the past struggle through the day, but certainly no Realization of these things will few months will have been consumed by later than 5 P.M., and then I’ll head for a only cause me to drink more and faster alcohol; all those who I can now call bar – if / take a drink today. and within a couple of weeks after that friends will be skeptical at best and with The next night I’II be so drunk I’II first drink I’II have moved to cheaper very good reason to be if / take a dnhk be afraid to go to the YMCA (1 almost got quarters, and soon my funds will be all today. kicked out of there before) so., when the gone and I’II start borrowing – ten here, However, regardless of what kind bars close I’II end up….in a high-priced five there, at first, then two and one, until of recovery I might make, with the things room where I’II stay until my funds run I can’t borrow any more – if 1 take a drink I absolutely know, it will cost me – THE low. On the third or fourth day I’II still be today. PRICE IS JUST TOO GREAT! I know it at the hotel, paying exorbitant prices for Then I’ll begin sneaking into the will cost me every dollar I have now and things I don’t need and the bellboy on the WMCA to get things to pawn first my- what I can borrow, in addition to the loss of income, totalling in all, seven or eight way up to my room with a drink will meet radio, which I enjoy so much and which another on the way down with empty I had a hell of a time getting out the last hundred dollars. I know I’II suffer the glasses, for as long as the money holds time; then first one suit and then another, pangs of hell, wherever I am, both out, the drinks will keep coming – if ltake until here is nothing left but what I have mentally and physically. I know I’II lose a drink today. on my back – if / take a drink today. the encouragement and respect of my By this time I’II be very nervous From here on it is hard to predict wife, and my employer and associates and concerned about avoiding people 1 just what will happen – I may be working will speak and think of me in terms of know. I’II probably go to my room at the in a restaurant or my present employer doubt, at least temporarily – if / take a “Y” some morning and clean up, but may take me back, reluctantly, and give drink today. things will run along like this several days me another chance at a reduced salary

Since I started thinking about what I don’t know how nearly parallel a drink would cost me, a lot of good my case may run with any of yours, but things would happen to me that would certainly close enough that none of you not have happened if I had taken a drink. can afford to pay the price of a drink My wife has spent a grand two weeks today if you are an alcoholic. And for vacation with me – the first time we’ve the benefit of you newer men, if you are been together for more than 24 hours for an alcoholic take a tip from one who is six years – all on account of John an alcoholic, you can?take a drink today Barleycorn. My brother and his wife have any more than I can, without getting been here to visit me – the first time in drunk and into trouble. nine years -and I’ve had a week’s So, summing it all up and adding vacation with pay at the boss’s cottage it backwards and forwards, the answer is and with my wife. I’ve seen several good the same and I saw it again and again ball games, a couple of circuses and and again, the PRICE IS JUST TOO numerous other things that Ienjoy – none GREAT, if 1 take a dnhk today. of which would have happened if ltooka – Tom D. dN’nk. My wife is ready to come to Grand Rapids and make a home for me any time it can be arranged and the future in general looks brighter for me than i n many years. So, you see, the price of a drink does get greater with the passing of each day of sobriety.

January 1947

Doctor Calls “Slip”More Normal

by DL W?/iamDuncan Silkworth

It is very wrong to consider many can be mistaken for alcoholic behavior. The mystery of slips is not so of the personality traits observed in liquor The “slip” is a relapse! It is a deep as it may appear. While it does addicts as peculiar to the alcoholic. relapse that occurs after the alcoholic seem odd that an alcoholic who has Emotional and mental quirks are has stopped drinking and started on the restored himself to a dignified place A.A. program of recovery. “Slips” usually among his fellow-men, and continued dry classified as symptoms of alcoholism for years, should suddenly throw his merely because alcoholics have them – occur in the early stages of the yet those same quirks can be found alcoholic’s A.A. indoctrination, before he happiness overboard and find himself among non-alcoholics, too. Actualy they has had time to learn enough of the A.A. again in mortal peril of drowning in liquor – often the reason is very simple. are symptoms of mankind’ technique and A.A. philosophy to give him solid footing. But “slipsn may also People are inclined to say: “There Of course, the alcoholic himself occur after an alcoholic has been a is something peculiar about alcoholics. tends to think of himself as different; member of A.A. for many months, or They may seem to be well, yet at any someone special, with unique tendencies even several years, and it is in this kind, moment they may turn back to their old and reactions. Many psychiatrists, above all, that one finds a marked ways. You can never be sure!” doctors and therapists carry the same similarity between the alcoholic’s This is largely twaddle. The idea to extremes in their analyses and alcoholic is a sick person. Under the behavior and “normal” victims of other treatment of alcoholics. Sometimes they diseases. techniques of Alcoholics Anonymous he make a complicated mystery of a gets well, that is to say, his disease is No one is startled by the fact that condition which is found in all human relapses are not uncommon among arrested. There is nothing unpredictable beings, whether they drink whiskey or about him any more than- there is arrested tubercular patients. But here is buttermilk. a startling fact – the cause is often the. anything weird about a person who has To be sure, alcoholism like every arrested diabetes. same as the cause which leads to “slipsn other disease does manifest itself in for the alcoholic. It happens this way: Let’s get it clear, once and for all, some unique ways. It does have a that alcoholics are human beings just like When a tubercular patient number of baffling peculiarities which recovers sufficiently to be released from other human beings – then we can differ from all other diseases. At the safeguard ourselves intelligently against the sanitarium, the doctor gives him same time, many of the symptoms and careful directions for the way he is to live most of the slips. much of the behavior of alcoholism are Both in professional and lay when he gets home. He must be in bed closely paralleled and even duplicated in every night by, say, 8 o’clock. He must circles, there is a tendency to label other diseases. everything that an alcoholic may do as drink plenty of milk. He must refrain from The alcoholic “slip,” as it is known smoking. He must obey other stringent “alcohotic behavior.” The truth is, it is in Alcoholics Anonymous, furnishes a simply human nature! rules. perfect example of how human nature

In both cardiac and the tubercular The preventative is plain. The For the first several months, cases, the acts which led to the relapses patient must have full knowledge of his perhaps for several years the patient were preceded by wrong thinking. The condition, keep in mind the facts of his follows directions. But as his strength patient in each case rationalized himself case and the nature of his disease and increases and he feels fully recovered, out of the sense of his own perilous follow directions. he becomes slack. There may come a reality. He deliberately turned away from For the alcoholic, A.A. offers the night when he decides he can stay up this knowledge of the fact he had been directions. A vital factor, or ingredient, of until 10 p.m. When he does this, nothing the victim of a serious disease. He grew the preventative, especially for the untoward happens. The next day he still overconfident. He decided he didn’t have alcoholic, is sustained emotion. The feels good. He does it again. Soon he is to follow directions. alcoholic who learns some of the disregarding the directions given him Now that is precisely what technique or the mechanics of A.A. but when he left the sanitarium. Eventually happens with the alcoholic – the arrested misses the philosophy or the spirit may he has a relapse! alcoholic, or the alcoholic in A.A. – who The same tragedy can be found in get tired of following directions – not has a “slip.” Obviously he decides again because he is alcoholic but because he cardiac cases. After the heart attack, the to take a drink sometime before he patient is put on a strict rest schedule. is human. Rules and regulations irk actually takes it. He starts thinking wrong almost anyone, because they are Frightened, he naturally follows directions before he actually embarks on the course obediently for a long time. He, too, goes restraining, prohibitive, negative. The that leads to a “slip.” philosophy of A.A., however, is positive to bed early, avoids exercise such as There is no more reason to charge walking up stairs, quits smoking and the “slip” to alcoholic behavior than there and provides ample sustained emotion leads a Spartan life. Eventually, though, a sustained desire to follow directions is to lay a tubercular relapse to voluntarily. there comes a day after he has been tubercular behavior or a second heart feeling good for months, or several In any event, the psychology of attack to cardiac behavior. the alcoholic is not as different as some years, when he feels he has regained his The alcoholic “slip” is not a strength and has also recovered from his people try to make it. The disease has symptom of a psychotic condition. certain physical differences, yes, and the fright. If the elevator is out of repair one There’s noting “screwyn about it at all. day, he walks up the three flights of Thepatient simply didn Y follow directions, alcoholic has problems peculiar to him, stairs. Or, he decides to go to a party – And that’s human nature! lt3 life! perhaps, in that he has been put on the or do just a little smoking – or take a if8 flappening at7 rne fime, nor merely defensive and consequently has cocktail or two. If no serious after-effects among aicohoiics but among ali kinds oi developed nervous frustrations. But, in follow the first departure from the people. many instances, there is no more reason rigorous schedule prescribed he may try to be talking about “the alcoholic mind” it again, until he suffers a relapse. than there is to try to describe something called “the cardiac mind” or “the T.B. mind.” I think we’ll help the alcoholic more if we can first recognize that he is primarily a human being – afflicted with human nature!

April 1947

Arrogance Daesn 7 Pay

From Dharhan, Saudi Arabia

On lonely evenings out on the Arabian desert I think often of you and wish I could drop in for a moment and greet you, shake your hand and thank you. But behind that wish there is also a vain and proud motive and that motive is to show off. I would like to show you a sunburned, healthy and infinitely happy replacement of that sallow sick, dejected and unhappy specimen of manhood who came to A.A. for help that summer morning of August 17, 1946. It is only a little while ago and even in that short time I slipped. It was in Cairo on October 5, because of my new-found strength there was also arrogance, an Egyptian moon and I…..oh, well, the rest is like A.B.C. to the a postgraduate. Can you arrange to send me The A.A. Grapevine? Let me hear from some of you soon. – O.C. M.

June 1947

Golden Opportunity

Alanews, Dubuque, Iowa – “The question arises if there actually is such a person as a hopeless alcoholic. We don’t think so. We don’t believe any person is ever placed on this earth and destined to become burdened with an obsession which would be so strangling as to preclude any hope of recovery. It’s probably axiomatic to say that despair is the only barrier to hope. If one talks to an alcoholic who is in despair who believes there is absolutely no hope – if you meet such a man, your answer is tailor made. We believe that every man, no matter how far he may have strayed from the normal way of living or how numerous his transgressions, will some time in his life, at least once, maybe oftener, be presented with an opportunity to return to a decent way of life. The very fact that this despairing alcoholic met you you, who are living, visible proof of recovery the very fact he came in contact with A.A., that he had a chance to hear about, the program and see what it actually has accomplished – all this constitutes the opportunity and the means he claimed he’d never get. Whether or not he accepts the opportunity is beside the point, but this person can never again honestly say he did not have the opportunity. It is up to us to help him realize that this is his opportunity.”

.July 1947

Guides Only

From SeaMe, Washington When an older member who has sponsored many of his own group slips, his position surely must be more painful than the average. If no one pays him any mind, he feels neglected and if a former baby gives well meant advice, it gal’s him. His greatest need is relaxation and group fellowship, now, doesn’t give it to him. He hesitates, too, in throwing himself again into 12th Step Work. Generally everything works out all right, but a lot of strain, I think, could be avoided if everyone had the proper viewpoint of sponsorship. Some people are specially gifted in working with others, but after all A.A. does the work. Christ himself never took any credit for any cure, saying “My Father, He doeth the work.” We who have often times very little on the ball should remind ourselves quite humbly that we merely pointed out the way – “A.A. did the work.” J. OD

August 1947

A TIP TO “”SfIPPERS, ” A N D NEWCOMERS, TOO

From Bronxville, N N.Y:

Before we joined A.A. most of our A.A. to succeed with the program if he One of the things that may prolonged drunks were in reality just a does not fully realize that the entire confuse the budding or full-blown egotist “slip” – we thought we’d have just one Program is based on the foundation and in A.A. is the statement that the program drink. premise of not taking the first drink. is a selfish program. There is a The foundation of sobriety in A.A. The 12 Steps and other A.A. difference in meaning here. A.A. is a is simplicity itself – it is simply not taking teachings are made effective only by not program that concerns self, true enough, the first drink. You can call it Step No. taking the first drink; the repetition of this but the keynote of its operation is 112, or 1112, but it is simply NOT taking phrase should not be tiresome to those certainly not selfishness, lest 12th Step the first drink, and the ones who succeed of us who always failed because of ‘!just work should never be done – and most of in the A.A. program base everything and one.” us who have attained sobriety should not every good that follows upon this. The new member who, feeling his be here. Instead we would be nursing Ifan A.A. embraces just one or all case is unique and different, comes to “self” in some saloon, or more probably 12 steps, his success still depends on meetings “to see what you people have in a booby-hatch – with a plush-lined NOT TAKING THE FIRST DRINK. to offer,” is doing it the hard way. Why is tongue and a brain composed of last Nobody has yet found lasting benefit such an attitude an immediate tip-off? year’s jello. from A.A., no matter if he or she be dry Because it indicates a “show-me” The spiritual side of A.A. one day or ten years, unless before and attitude. It overlooks the fact that in most which admittedly is what makes it tick for beneath everything is the continued cases A.A. has a great deal more to offer the most successful followers of the practice of NOT TAKING THE FIRST the candidate than the candidate has to program, helps most those who are DRINK. offer A.A., but more importantly it shows humble and desperate for help. And what In A.A., what is a slip? It is that the candidate doesn’t realize this, is the help we need? We need help in TAKING THE FIRST DRINK. hence his path will be more thomy than walking a new road in life – but before we Who has slips? Mainly, those who that of the fellow or gal who steps up and start let us fully realize that the may have placed great importance on says, “I don’t care what you have to offer foundation of sobriety in A.A. is simply: any one or all of the 12 Steps in A.A. – – if it keeps you sober, I want it!” If he NOT TAKING THE FIRST DRINK. You and still persisted in taking the first drink. says instead, “If it will keep ME sober I can’t slip until you forget that! – Often those who have slips have want it,” you can detect a lack of humility. mental reservations. Often hey think of He is saying in effect, “Maybe it can keep their own case as different from the all of you, and thousands of other others, as being unique. Personalities alcoholics sober, but boy it’s good it can and circumstances may differ among keep ME sober, etc.” “Me, I, Me, I, Me, I” A.A. members, but one thing does not – – not the best sign of humility. and that is the inability of anybody in

January 1948

KEEPER: TO carry water, sir. MR. A.: TO carry water! What were they carrying water for? How to Tell the Bad News KEEPER: TO put Out the fire, of course. MR. A.: Fire! What fire?

T HE FOLLOWING (humorous) aCcount has been adapted to the experience of a well-to-do alcoholic KEEPER: Your father’s house; it burned to the ground. MR. A.: My father’s house burned who wakes up in a sanitarium after a down! How did it get on fire? slip. KEEPER: I think it must have been the cigarette, sir. MR. A.: Ha, keeper! How are you, MR. A.: Cigarette? What cigarette? old boy? How are things at home? KEEPER: The one you dropped KEEPER: Welcome back, sir. when you arrived drunk at your Things are bad enough since your mother’s funeral. slip. The magpie’s dead. MR. A.: My mother dead! MR. A.: Poor Mag. So he’s gone. KEEPER: Poor lady, she never How came he to die? looked up after it. KEEPER: Overeat himself, sir. MR. A.: Did he? A greedy bird. MR. A.: After what? What did he overeat of? KEEPER: The loss of your father, sir. l-3 ‘\.i/~ MR. A.: My father gone, too? KEEPER: Yes, good gentleman, he died as soon as he heard of it. , MR. A.: How did he come to get so MR. A.: Heard of what? KEEPER: Why, the bad news, KEEPER: All your father’s horses, begging your pardon, sir. MR. A.: What! Are they dead, too? . C P- MR. A.: What! More miseries? Y

KEEPER: Yes, sir; they died of More bad news? your commitment papers. Poor lady! KEEPER: Yes, sir. Your bank ac- She couldn’t stand that song you MR. A.: And why were they over- count is overdrawn, your credit is were singing last night. lost, and you are not worth a penny. MR. A.: What song? Your wife asked me to tell you the KEEPER: “Another Little Drink news, sir. She took off with the Won’t Do Us Any Harm.” Welcome iceman immediately after signing back to Bugley Hall, sir.

January 1948

14 Pointers To A.A. Success

From Manhattan, N. ).: 12. Cultivate a helpful association of If I am to stay sober, I must: 8. Not permit myself to think a drink or two would make some bad situation ideas. I associate a drink as being the 1. Cultivate continued acceptance of single cause of all the misery, shame he fact that my choice is between better, or at least easier to live with. and mortification I have ever known. I do unhappy, drunken drinking and doing Substitute the thought that one drink will !his ac! infiniturn. I associa!e a drink as without one small drink. make it worse, one drink will mean a being the only thing that can destroy my 2. Cultivate enthusiastic gratitude that drunk. new-found happiness, and take from me I have had the good fortune to find out 9. Minimize my situation. Think, as I my self-respect and peace of mind. I do what was wrong with me before it was see here and there a blind or otherwise this ad infinitum. too late. handicapped person, how joyful such a 13. Cultivate gratitude: gratitude that 3. Expect as being both natural and person would be if his problem could be so much good can be mine for so small inevitable that for a period of time (it may solved by just not taking one little drink a price; gratitude that I can trade away be a long one) I will recurringly today. Think gratefully of how lucky I am just one drink for all the happiness experience: a conscious, naggingcraving to have so simple and small a problem. sobriety gives me; gratitude that A.A. for a drink as such; a sudden, but 10. Cultivate and woo enjoyment of exists and that I found out about it in compelling, impulse just to take a drink; sobriety. Catalog and recatalog: how time; gratitude that I am only the victim of a craving, not for a drink as such, but for good it is to be free of shame, a disease called alcoholism, that I am not the soothing glow and warmth a drink or mortificationand self-condemnation; how a degenerate, a moral weakling, the selftwo once gave me. good it is to be free of fear of the elected victim of a vice or a person of 4. Remember that the times when I consequences of a drunk just ended, or don’t want a drink are the times in which doubtful sanity; gratitude that because of the coming drunk you have never to build up the strength not to take one others have done it, Ican in time bring it before been able to prevent; how good it when I do want it. to pass that Iwon’t want or miss the one is to be free of what people have been 5. Develop and rehearse a daily plan thinking and whispering about you, and drink I am doing without. 14. Seek out ways to help other of thinking and acting by which I will live of their mingled pity and contempt; how that day without a drink, regardless of alcoholics and remember the first way to good it is to be free from fear of yourself. what may upset me or how hard the old 11. Catalog and recatalog the positive help others is to stay sober myself. urge for a drink may hit me. enjoyments of sobriety, such as: the J.S.B. 6. Not allow myself to think: “Isn’t it a simple ability to sleep and eat normally, pity or an injustice that I can’t take a and to wake up glad I am alive, sober drink like so-called normal people.” yesterday, and glad 1 have the privilege 7. Not allow myself either to think or to of staying sober today; the ability to face talk about any real or imagined p!easure whatever life may dish out with peace of I once did get from drinking. mind, self respect and a full possession of all my faculties.

January 1948

Some of the Answers

From St. Pete~burg,Ra,

Knowledge of “answers” never made anyone slip – it was failing to practice the answers known. There is no premium on ignorance in A.A. – that is why we have the Big Book, which contains all the answers needed. A.A. does not postulate a gloomy, tedious life of self-fighting – far from it! We have merely learned the common sense value of substituting new and better pleasures for our old, and highly dangerous ones, acquired in abandonment to alcohol. lnstead of poisoning the brain, we cultivate and nourish its productivity. lnstead of courting a dismal hangover, we awaken refreshed and gay. lnstead of inviting financial disasters, we spend our funds judiciously, with an eye for sensible saving. lnstead of repeated borrowing, we are far more apt to lend. lnstead of inward condemnation and petulance, we have access to A.A. fellowship, and “at-oneness” with a Higher Power, fully able to aid and cheer us, at all times. To know these answers is not to know all the answers – that’s true – but it must be a lapse of sanity to choose the worst, when the best is always available to an honest alcoholic in A.A. membership.- Walt K

February 1948

The C/iche Experl Tesfifies on A/coho/ism (With apologies to Frank Sullivan)

Q. Mr. Heister, you are an expert in the Q. Very well, but how did you feel? Q. Just what are the 12 Steps, Mr. use of the cliche as applied to A. I had a brutal hangover, violent Heister? alcoholism, are you not? A. Oh, hey are the various Steps which A. Indubitably. nausea, hot and cold sweats, no appetite and a completely shot nervous system. I most slippers skip. Q. In that case, would you give us your was full of guilt and remorse. Q. Which one did you skip, Mr. Heister? definition of an alcoholic? A. The first one. A. An alcoholic is a very sick person. Q. What caused you to do all his to yourself – to start drinking again to slip? Q. How Sick? A. I had an argument with my wife while A. Sick as a dog. an old Navy chum and my college Q. Mr. Heister, what are your plans for roommate were in town for a visit. the future? Q. Any particular kind of dog? Besides, I had just lost my job and I was A. I Don’t worry about the future. I’m on A. No, just any old dog. thirsty. the 24 hour plan – day-to-day living.

Q. Mr. Heister, what happened to you the Q. Hmmm! Tell me, Mr. Heister, what last time you had a drink? does ~lcoholics’~nonymous think of such Q. Does that help? A. I had a slip. goings-on? A. Yes, I’m on top of the heap. A. I think they call it “wet thinking.” Q. What is a slip? Q. What heap, Mr. Heister? A. A coy word used by m’embers of Q. Would you say, Mr. Heister, that this A. On top of the world, feeling fine. I’ve Alcoholics Anonymous to convey the slip had anything to do with a personal had a tremendous release. idea that they almost murdered feeling of frustration, resentment, elation themselves. or self-pity? Q. Release A. Yes. A. Yes, my divarce decree became final Q. How did this slip make you feel, Mr. Q. What was your next course of action? yesterday. Heister? A. First, I felt high as a kite, then tight as A. I put a nickel in the slot and had a a tick. After that I was loaded but the long talk with a fellow who’s got the police said I was soused. Program. Q. Are you an alcoholic, Mr. Heister? A. I don’t know but I.am an expert on Q. And how did you feel he next day Q. What did he recommend? cliches. when it was all over? A. Sobriety. A. It wasn’t the next day; it was the next Q. That will be all, Mr. Heister! – A.P. month. Q. Anything else? A. The 12 Steps.

Q. Let’s stick to alcoholism, Mr. Heister! What are you doing about it? A. I’m tapering off and reading the book, Alcoholics Anonymous.

Q. How do you like the book? A. It doesn’t make sense to me. Just a lot of case histories proving that alcoholics have to stop drinking.

February 1948

DOES A PILL JAG COUNT AS A SLIP?

From Greenwich Wllage, New York City

I know a person who is planning depressions. Inevitably, he winds up in supply, vary from 10 cents to 50 cents a to celebrate three years of “sobriety.” He the old squirrel cage: goofballs, piece. hasn’t had a drink in three years. He has hangover, benzedrine; benzedrine, And so it is quite easy to get been a sturdy member of A.A., often a hangover; hangover, goofballs, and so on goofballs. In fact, many A.A.s, ‘

speaker, For the past eight months, until he hits bottom. sympathizing with fellow drunks, carry a however, he has been using pills Let’s look at goofballs. Like many supply of pills with them on 12th Step secretly. On a number of occasions, he other medicines, they come in tablet, calls. It doesn’t occur to these persons has appeared at meetings and elsewhere capsule or liquid form. They come in all that they are not only practicing medicine under the influence of these drugs. Has colors, even in stripes. without a license but may be he had a “slip?” Can he honestly The drunks have tagged them with endangering the lives of their prospects! celebrate three years of sobriety?” many nicknames. Narcotic users qui’ckly The reason doctors warn against The answers to these questions discovered that most of them would indiscriminate use of these drugs is the seem obvious, but it is surprising how “cook up” in a spoon for injection to bring fact that the average layman doesn’t many persons celebrate A.A. an almost instantaneous relief to jangled know anything of the history of his anniversaries, although they continue to nerves. Drunks discovered almost as “patient.” All too often, the patient may use pills. In New York and other large quickly that they would bring at least have taken a handful of pills before his cities it is by no means unusual to hear temporary escape from the shakes, rescuers appeared on the scene. When of persons who claim long periods of insomnia or “that depressing feeling.” he receives more of the same, he may sobriety while they stagger around under Until recently, such pills as barbital die from an overdose. the strange influence of goofballs. and benzedrine could be purchased over The A.A. who gets sober on the Personally, I think a pill jag is the counter at the corner drugstore. Now Program has no need for pills. He will worse than a slip. Surely it is more most states require a prescription. In have days when he feels the need for a dishonest. Psychologically, the pill baby some states only the first prescription is lift in spirits; when he thinks that he has a worse time than the garden variety required. The purchaser simply takes the needs “something to sleep.” He avoids drunk who says to hell with it and grabs box back to the store for refills. In other alcohol in any form because he knows a bottle. Physically, he has a much states barbiturates must be obtained by that he can’t take the first drink. And yet worse time. Drugs are not eliminated prescription but benzedrine and, the dry jitters persist. He knows nothing from the body as quickly as alcohol and curiously, paregoric may be bought over of pills, he solves his problem by he suffers more. He has no one but the counter. “toughing it out” or by getting together another pill baby to discuss his problems In New York, where habit-forming with other A.A.s to “talk it out.” with, even if he feels so inclined. He drug laws are strict, all of these drugs If he knows about goofballs, he soon takes to the benzedrine habit to may be purchasedfrom bootleg druggists may end up by using them. He c o m b a t t h e sedative-induced and doctors. Prices, depending on the rationalizes that pills are not alcohol and

that he, an alcoholic, can take pills In my opinion, an A.A. who without any of the bad effects. If he deliberately gets goofed up on pills has resorts to these drugs and finds slipped. He cannot, with honesty, claim temporary relief, he may very well be on to have been on the A.A. Program during his way to becoming an addict. the period in which he used pills. Some doctors distinguish between That the pill habit is dangerous – “addiction” and a “dependency” on drugs. indeed, far more dangerous than the But it is absolutely true that goofballs, alcohol habit – is an accepted medical like alcohol, develop a tolerance in the fact.,There are many cases of users who body of the user. The more you use, the suffered permanent brain deterioration. more you need. The period of relief from One case on record describes a doctor the drug shortens and the user who built up a seconal habit to 60 grains compensates by using larger doses. Just a day. He was hospitalized for eight like whiskey, only the name and the months before he began to show signs of effect are different. slow improvement. Now let’s look at the effect of pills Another curious effect of pills on on the user. Some persons become ‘ the body of the user is the fact that pill elated after a pill or two. Their reactions addicts lose all interest in the sex urge. sometimes are similar to reactions from The drug not only incapacitates the alcohol. Others appear only to be quieted addict but destroys the desire. This effect for a period by pills. Symptoms of often is the factor that brings about the overdoses are drowsiness, lack of discovery of the habit in a husband or coordination, disorientation and a general wife. appearance of “goofiness.” The hangover The A.A. who takes to pills is eventually becomes just as severe as an trading the devil for the witch. If you are alcoholic hangover, but it lasts longer. If using pills, openly or secretly, don’t try to the drug is withdrawn immediately, convince anyone that you’re still sober or patients may go sleepless for a week. living the A.A. way of life. It just ain’t so. – It has been said by observers that J.T: Pills bring out all of the “worst qualities” of the individual. Be that as it may, the reaction is progressive and soon the user suffers violent withdrawal symptoms. Because there is no odor on the breath of the pill baby, he is often at loss to explain his eccentric behavior. For this reason, he becomes all the more secretive, guilt-ridden and frustrated.

March 1948

NOSODY IS HOPELESS

From Canada

We read much about cases like on Believe me, it works, I know, asylum but after that, what?” Frankly, I page 13 of the December issue: On because it has worked for me – prayed for him. I said, in effect, “this is in September 29, 1944, 1 was literally numerous times in a manner absolutely Thy hands. No man, no other power, can carried into a meeting of Alcoholics incontrovertible. do anything and none other can take the Anonymous. The next day I stopped One of these cases called me one credit for returning this man to contented drinking. Today I am celebrating three busy morning from a hotel room. He was sobriety.” years of total abstinence.” Such cases in terrible condition. His “shakesn were When his first week in the asylum well advanced convulsions. He hadn’t was ended and he was committed for are marvelous. Thank God they are so eaten for days. His body was emaciated, trial on the insanity charge I had laid, he numerous. We have many in our group. his eyes sunken and he was very weak. was acquitted but returned voluntarily to But what about the so-called incurables? He had accidently killed a man. He had the institution for a longer time because Personally, I don’t think an misappropriatedcompany funds. His wife he was still shaky, his wife and family incurable case of alcoholism exists. The was pregnant and she and their other six would have nothing to do with him, he trouble with so-called “incurables,” I children were destitute. He had been an had no money and couldn’t risk living in believe, is that we believe them active and enthusiastic member of A.A. rooms or a hotel and, needless to say, incurable. We start at the beginning by admitting that the victim is, himself, previously and had gone for nearly a he couldn’t work. When he did come out incapable of exerting any will power. We year without a drink but he had taken a and got his first work a laboringjob he job in a lumber camp “down north” and collapsed under the strain. We got him know that no other person. (including had been unable to withstand the desire lighter work. He became reconciled with church, doctors, and the police) has been able to do anything for him we think that for liquor which was plentiful – and his wife, and was at hand when their son because we have become acquainted regarded almost as essential to life in was born and this Christmas spent the’ with A.A. therapy hold the magic wand that region. I called a doctor and we had Yuletide with his family for the first time that can turn the trick. Of course we are him put in an asylum but, while in five years. He thanks God not me. wrong, so we fail and, because we have discussing his affairs with him, I had a He has not achieved contented sobriety. been unable to do anything, we consider good opportunity to explain to him the God has given it to him and God thereby the victim incurable. hopelessness of his case without the has .also given to all of us the It should stand to reason that, if help of a Higher Power. I could do indisputable testimony that, if, in His the victim and everybody else has failed, nothing for him – I was merely another name, we ask Him and if we give to Him no mortal influence will help. Then why human being and none other had ever alone the glory, no case is incurable. not leave the matter to that Power been able to help. I stressed this point Another case involved dope. The greater than ourselves? We all had to do and added, “God alone can do anything first time I encountered it personally the that in our own cases. Why not do it with for you. I can’t. I’ll make certain that you victim had lain in a snow bank all night, cases we encounter in 12th Step work? don’t get any booze for a while in an Police had found him and taken him in. The doctor at the jail said he might not

live through the day and ordered him to The man spent a year in jail. In a hospital at once. I went into the case that time he got away from dope. When with the police and with another member he came out, he started to celebrate his of our group who had gone with me to release and, for a time it looked as if he the jail. It certainly seemed’ hopeless. had hit the skids again. But an Indeed, it was the most hopeless case I opportunity presented itself and I gave have ever encountered. him the works just as I had given hem to While the others were still talking the other man. Already he had turned to about the details, I got away in a corner the use of hypnotic drugs but had kept of the guard room and committed that away from the narcotics so I felt that case to God. In my pretty colloquial there was still a last shred of hope. It’s a terms, I pointed out that it might be His long story, of course, but he has been on desire to make an example of this case – the beam for months and has spent his to show everyone who knew this man first sober Christmas in 20 years among that booze and dope were terrible killers relatives. but I added that, if He would restore him I’m not even keeping my fingers crossed about either of these cases. I to health and contented sobriety, His, alone would be the glory. And I said, too, don’t have to. They are in better hands “If he recovers, I’ll write a letter to The than mine, believe me. Both are back on the production line’ both are again Grapeme and tell about it so that all gainfully employed. And neither of them who read the story may know the lesson that by Thy grace alone are we Wade thanks me. They thank God, so I’m not whole.” worrying. – C.E.D.

May 1948

Some Peop/e Are Much Sicker Than Others

From New Yo& N. Y:

“Some people, a friend of ours says, “are Probably there are as many and we tell ourselves, “Well, he knows a lot sicker than others.” methods of dealing with this problem as the answers. He’ll come back when he’s He was talking about a man who there are members in A.A. One formula ready.” after months of sobriety in A.A., was now cannot fit all cases; we are individuals By this attitude we are adding to floundering from bar to bar. He was and are dealing with an individual. But it the burden of guilt that the “slipper” talking, moreover, about a man whose is certain that no method will be carries. And we have ample evidence to failure to maintain sobriety and whose successful unless we make some show that guilt and remorse, the constant typically aggressive alcoholic behavior attempt to recognize a slip for what it is – companions of the alcoholic, are doubled had created considerable tension among the anaesthetic of a man in pain. in weight by a dose of A.A. his would-be companions and helpers. It makes little difference whether Bur guilt is entirely foreign to the He was talking about a sick man. he has been sober five days or .five concept of alcoholism as a disease! Our friend, we think, stated the years. It does not matter whether you, What our unfortunate fellow-member case with rare insight and common personally, like the word “slip” or not, or needs is treatment and not punishment. sense. He realized that the man’s prefer to qualify it as to duration and The treatment that we can offer is drinking must have been a source of intensity. A slip means, in all cases, that almost unlimited. It consists of deep personal distress or he would not a member is still sick or sick again. companionship, patience, tolerance and have come to A.A. He also realized that When most of us came into A.A. the example of our own sobriety. Above sobriety must have been even more we were relieved to learn that we had a all it consists of being convincing in our painful, or the man would. not have disease. Everyone around us recognized willingness to help. resumed drinking. that we were sick people, not pariahs or We may listen and we may Here is a familiar problem; lepers. Furthermore, instead of remaining suggest but only rarely to we advise. someone reaches for the Program, gets helpless before the onslaught of a dread Even though the cause of a slip is crystal his hands on it briefly, but cannot hold moral decay, we set out to combat our clear to us, we can usually impart this on. What are we to do? enemy with weapons of proven knowledge only by indirection, by relating “Let him go,” we sometimes hear; effectiveness. part of our own experiences. This is “he isn’t ready yet.” Or, conversely, “We Yet somehow this idea that the because the “slipper,” for the time being, can’t give up. Let’s keep after him.” alcoholic is a sick person seems only to is entirely subjective; he is inside the We think that whenever a member apply to newcomers. The member who picture looking out. He can see a fact as slips he stands before us as a challenge slips is too often put into a different it applies to somebody else, but not as it – a challenge to our understanding and to category. “He should have known better,” applies to him. That is part of his sickness. the way of life which has brought us we are apt to think. And then our serenity. judgment suddenly grows near-sighted

When we “read the riot act” to a brother in distress, we usually defeat our own purpose. In the first place, any criticism we make of him is of such a deeply personal nature that it is bound to increase his guilt. We don’t lighten his burden; we add to it. Secondly, we don’t offer anything new. The art of helping a “slipper,” it seems to me, lies in finding some part of the Program which he has overlooked, and then showing him how he can use it. The chances are he will grasp at something new, provided we make it real. “The thing that cures a neurosis,” writes one of our foremost psychologists, “must be as convincing as the neurosis; and since the latter is only too real,’the helpful experience must be of equal reality.” For many alcoholics who have slipped and come back into the fold, the assurance that they were not rejected, but were awaited and later welcomed, was a real strength in a world of evasive unreality. This gift of assurance is within the power of all of us. As our lives in A.A. have become dynamic, as our Program is positive, let us put some positive, dynamic and optimistic effort into our treatment of the member who slips. MJ.-

May 1948

How Stuffy Can We Get?

From New York N K

Are some of us losing our Having decided to join A.A., he Several days later the drunk tolerance? Are we inclined to be critical began to attend meetings. For two telephoned his wife and asked meekly to of our fellows? Do we feel superior to months he managed to go without come home. The wife, feeling completely new members who are having trouble drinking in spite of the fact that his justified, refused. The drunk then ‘ with the Program? Above all, are we shyness hindered him in making friends telephoned our visitor who agreed to getting stuffy? and entering group activities. He slipped. drop around to talk with the wife. We think these questions are My visitor had made a slight On his arrival, he was met by the important. And if we answer them “Yes,” acquaintance with this man and. learning older member who not only refused to let we may be heading for trouble, no of the slip, went around to see him. He him talk to his wife but bawled him out kidding. Ifsome of us don’t straighten up suggested another reading of the book for being so lenient with a “damned and fly right, we’re gonna be drunk. and regular attendance at the beginners’ slipper.” Eventually both went out in Maybe some of us need a refresher meeting. The new man agreed. He also search of the lawyer. They found him in course and a kick in the pants! agreed to make an extra effort to a gin mill. These sentiments came to us the participate in group activities. After two The lawyer was plastered and other day. An A.A. visitor called and told months, he slipped again. He was kicked feeling sorry for himself. After looking us of a case of rather “unsympathetic” out of the house by his wife. over the situation, the older member handling by an older member in his According to our visitor, an older gave another lecture on the evils of drink group. Here’s what happened: member of the group decided to do and began to lay the lawyer out on A new member – a lawyer of something about this new member. general principles. “You’re just a retiring nature – joined the group about Although he had never talked with the hopeless bum, anyway,” he said. . four months ago. He had been suffering new man or been friendly with him, he Our visitor reports that he was from alcoholism for 15 years. He was a took over. plenty disgusted with the older member steady drinker. He couldn’t remember a The older member, an A.A. who by this time and urged him to lay off. The day in six years when he hadn’t had a had been dry six years, went immediately lawyer got drunker and finally passed drink. Although he knew of A.A., he was to the man’s house and talked with the out. He awakened in jail. too shy to approach the group and too wife. He agreed with her that she should We promised our visitor that we timid to discuss the problem with his make him “suffer it out,” go his way for a would do what we could. We agreed that friends. month or two,” “be hard as hell on him.” this case was poorly handled and that After a particularly serious binge, He then delivered a lecture on the evils there probably was something we could he wandered into an A.A. meeting and of drink, the road to ruin and the way of try. We agreed that we shouldn’t give up took a seat in the rear of the room. After all flesh. He did not bother to contact the on the man. the meeting, he sneaked out and took a slippee. When our visitor left we got to few drinks to fortify himself for some thinking. Surely, this older member deep thinking. wasn’t typical. He was just the stinker

who can be found in almost every group. We also got to wondering if there were many A.A.s who were as intolerant as this fellow. We think not but we sill wonder. We can name several borderline cases in our own group. Last week two older members were reported drunk. Did intolerance have anything to do with it? The story of this newcomer and this older member is extreme. It probably doesn’t happen often. But does it happen more often than we think? Does it happen too often? We have been dry almost four years and we honestly don’t believe that we are as tolerant as we should be. Or as grateful to A.A. We can remember several guys that we gave up on recently. We are getting worried. Has anybody got a real tough 12th Step case? – W: T:

May 1948

Even the Best Have Slipped

From Pacific Grove, Cal.

When one of us A.A.s gets feeling we are headed into trouble, we call up some of the gang and some one will come out to try to get the fellow who is having trouble over the rough spot. A lot of us have kept sober by doing that. That’s a big part of A.A., knowing we don’t have to meet our trouble alone. Now I’ve noticed and some of the fellows have told me that when they had their slips, they thought all hope was gone, that A.A. couldn’t help them. All that is poppycock. Some of the very best A.A. fellows have slipped, not once but several times before they could get right bang on the target. The slip is just another wallop on the button to knock into us the knowledge that booze is just plain poison to us and we might as well figure we’re through with it. Hope isn’t gone as long as A.A. is still here, and you still think you want to stop drinking. You’re not to be ashamed to meet the gang again because we know. A lot of us have slipped and the rest of us have come pretty close to slips. You’re not guilty of anything except not calling upon every ounce of reserve and not realizing we’re ready and happy to come and help when the going gets rough. You don’t have to fight just by yourself. You’ve got a company of pretty good soldiers behind you – H 7:

June 1948

Wants Letfers

From Toronto, Canada

Six months ago I was rescued by I was a tough one and had a relapse members of Alcoholics Anonymous, Toronto, (lost my reason for nearly a week) – had a Canada. seizure that fractured my spine – spent 32 days Prior to this over a two year period I had on boards in bed, 52 days, in all, in hospital, yet gone through physical, financial and mental hell. the ideas and thoughts these A.A. men gave me But I know as I pen these words that I stuck with me. It is, I believe, to their everlasting am free of both drug addiction and alcoholism. credit that the kindly and helpful thoughts given And having had a bad case of both I can me by these men stayed with me all through the definitely testify that he A.A. therapy, so terrible ordeal that I undewent. effective for alcoholics, is equally effective for So I would like to invite anyone who addicts. reads this and who has had he misfortune to be But here again it is of utmost importance, addicted to drugs to write me. For I shall first to free one’s mind of whatever upset or consider it a pleasure to correspond with disturbance it was that caused the addiction in anyone – so happy am I that I am well and am the first place and secondly to have a deep, experiencing the oft-quoted but little understood sincere, inward desire to quit. “peace that passeth all understanding.” I was down on my back with both bare To all addicts; I would feel it a privilege to shoulders in the gravel when A.A. men were correspond with you if you write Hugh in care of called in. I was impressed by their sincerity. The A.A. Grapevine. – Hugh. When I attended their meetings and met their members I was convinced these men were so “sold” on their Program and so imbued by the spirit of it – so obsessed – that it amounted to a religion; and I am not using the word “religion” loosely.

June 1948

Careful – Slippery Road From Chicago, I/!/. just once in a while won’t get you anywhere. This is a twenty-four hour From time to time it becomes necessary program, yes, but 365 days a year, 24 for some very plain speaking about slips. hours at a time until death severs your It is high time to abandon finesse and wedding to alcohol. You must work at it come out in the open with some plain and be of it wholeheartedly if you want to truths and facts. retain your sanity. Nothing less can or If we look at it squarely and will do. There is no compromise. honestly, we ask some very pertinent On the proposition of dealing with questions, such as :Is the Program others, why not do your first 12th Step insufficient? Are its Steps too difficult to work at home where it is so sorely grasp? needed for the others of our families to The answer is definitely no, for readjust themselves? The more they does it not teach all of us the futility of know about the Program the more they trying to subordinate reality in alcohol? can help us. The teachings and Steps of There is no point in trying to put the the Program are not secrets or blame on anything but ourselves. anonymous, only the persons and their Reasoning will show lack of interest in problems are, so feel free to discuss A.A. the Program, and an unwillingness to with your loved ones as it makes for understand it, mental and moral better understanding and lessens he reservations as well as the desire to chance for domestic problems. keep on drinking. These are the causes Above all, talk; don’t be the silent of slips. type. It doesn’t work in our case. If Furthermorethe unwillingnessand problems arise let’s talk them over with refusal of the slipee to bow in humility to the parties concerned, and then when the Power greater than himself, the only that has failed it is time to call in a third thing that can restore him to normalcy, party as arbitrator, who may help us to will cause trouble. see things more clearly. Grousing and griping about real or All through the period of our fancied wrongs doesn’t help. Why not drinking our constant wish was “God instead do something about these things restore me to sanity and normalcy.” This yourself? The Program car.? do it for prayer heretofore should make us you. hesitate to excuse ourselves for alcoholic Be open and aboveboard in your thinking and slips by saying, “Well, I’m dealings with others, quit kidding alcoholic.” You can’t be normal and be yourself, your wives and families, above alcoholic, so make your choice. Either all don’t try to kid your fellow A.A.s All face life as a normal person in sobriety this pretence and sham must cease if or hide from it in a bottle. An honest you are to be sober happily instead of drunk is more to be admired than a lying dry miserably. dry. – Ernie of Ravenswuod Lip service to A.A. once a week or

July 1948

“Easy Does Nu One of A.A. ‘s Most Workable and Useful Sayings

From Nashvile, Tenn.

and to a return to more normal living one of those by-products of alcoholism One of the most useful of the which continue to come up long after the sayings that have been adopted in A.A. outside. Physical relaxation has long. been urge to drink has gone. The reaction of is that which advises, Easy Does It. ” So the alcoholic, and of more than a few universally workable is this good advice identified as a characteristic of great non-alcoholics, is to fight the problem, to that it qualifies as the expression of one athletes. The DiMaggiosand the Williams worry about it, to get into a stew. The of the fundamental steps in personal have an easy swing that belies yet tension begins to mount. Emotions run rehabilitation. accounts for much of the power of their wild. Self control is spinning rapidly. If this particular saying is applied bats. The fastest swimmers relax with sincerely and intelligently, it will greatly each stroke. In football, the relaxed That’s the usual sequence. It can ease the path of the newcomer in A.A., player is less prone to fumbles and be broken if in the midst of it, the victim avert “slips” and further the development injuries. The great runners have a sits way back, physically and mentally, of a mature life both inside and outside relaxed stride even when they are driving and relaxes. First he must relax his A.A. the hardest. muscles, because that’s the easiest to Axioms are only words in Relaxation frees the intellectual, do. Then he must relax his mind, by themselves, of course, and the the emotional and even the spiritual directing his thoughts to pleasant phraseology has become trite in many functioning of the personality no less subjects, to a reminder that others have cases. Pseudo-intellectualsare especially than it loosens the muscles of the body. succeeded and so can he, to mental scornful of old sayings, and even less ‘Easy Does It” for the newcomer pictures of peace and success. If he will snobbish observers may ov’erlook the during those first early days of confusion, but direct his mind away from the worth to be found in the meaning behind fear and doubt. if, instead of worrying problem, he will find a new source of the words. and “tensing up” because he does not strength rising up within him. grasp the whole A.A. program in the first It Means Relax sitting if he will relax, he will find that Has Advanced the emotional understanding as well as For example, “Easy Does It,” the intellectual understanding of the A.A. At least that is the way it has means relax! Don’t fret and worry and philosophy will come along much more worked and still works for others. The stew and struggle! Take it easy! Relax! readily. individual who has learned how to relax Everyone who has an intimate Fortunately, this is a saying which has already advanced a long way knowledge of the alcoholic will agree that can be tested easily. It does not have to towards happiness and success. one of the first things he needs to do is be tested on faith alone. Anyone can find Relax and enjoy A.A. Relax and to relax, not only in the early stages of out for himself whether it works simply by enjoy life. A.A. but forever after and a day. “Easy trying it himself. “EasyDoes It.”If you don’t believe Does It” applies no matter how long one Supposing a problem has arisen. it, try it. – J.M.0. has been in A.A. and, in fact, it is Suppose it is the old urge to reach for essential to continued progress in A.A. the bottle. Or suppose the problem is

July 1948

An Oldtimer Answers the $64 ‘Sl@ee”Ouestior?

First of all I want to congratulate ten, or a thousand, isn’t ever what makes you on The A.A. Grapewhe. I suppose Were Thrilled – .. an A.A. It is, rather, that spark within the that as A.A. grows throughout the world person himself, born often of desperation more and more material is available for We couldn’t have been more and best described, it seems to me, as a our national paper, but the task still thrilled! Here was really an instance of sincere desire not to drink, a recognition remains of making it interesting and “sudden rehabilitation.” What, we that he alone is powerless, and the readable – and you are doing a fine job. thought, could be more appropriate than acceptance of God’s help. The $64 question posed by A.G. a housewarming? It was arranged for of Rochester, N.Y., in the June issue is Saturday night – a surprise picnic dinner Aid of Greater Power about as old as A.A. itself. More than ten with each one to bring his share. years ago a nice young fellow came to Of course we arrived early, before When this has happened, then a our group and told what liquor had done Joe was due home from his job. For an new member should enjoy all the to him – and of course to his family, a hour we sat around enjoying ourselves in privileges of sobriety, for he has the aid wife and three fine children who had anticipation of this fitting climax to our of a Greater Power for his personal been forced to live with her parents. Our efforts. But Joe was late, and then later, problems. new friend’s furniture was gone, he had and finally he came home – drunk. All this doesn’t mean that we lost his job and had no place to sleep. Yet, as far as we know, Joe had should let a guy go hungry, nor is it Well, we got together and found completed his longest period of sobriety – suggested that sometimes a buck or two joe a room (and in those early days two months – in many years. What we won’t be helpful, but this sort of anything over a buck in A.A. was high had overlooked was the simple fact that encouragement should be a matter finance), a job was secured, apd with our we can’t buy sobriety for anyone, even for ourselves. Nothing had happened to between individuals, not a part of A.A. help he persuaded his wife to give him another chance. She came to the next Joe; he’d only be on the wagon; he’d and we must always guard against meeting with him, and instead of transferred the responsibility for his life “keeping a man drunk with kindness.” hopelessness, hope shone in her eyes. and his family not to himself, but to us, “Pampered Homer” in the June Shortly afterward we had a picnic and his new-found friends. Vino Vignette is a good example of how the whole family attended, including the I have often wondered if we hadn’t we can kid ourselves that we are being children. ruined any chance Joe had to learn A.A., helpful. – R.S. – New York, N, K It was agreed that “something by not giving him the same opportunity should be done.” A house was rented, we had.- that of becoming an A.A. and their pitiful scraps of furniture were added straightening out our own affairs. In my to a chair from one A.A., a bed from opinion this is a very important part of another, a stove from a third – and with the A.A. Program of recovery. the help of several A.A. mates our new I think we should never give up on member’s wife made her home attractive. anyone. To say a person is hopeless is to limit the power of God. But a buck,

August 1948

What’s the Answer?

In the June issue of The A.A. Probably I can offer a small Grapewne I read an item, entitled, “What fraction of help by citing a mistake I Is the Answer,” written by A.G., made. An alcoholic, whom Ishall call Ed, Rochester, N.Y. came to me under similar circumstances. According to the item, Brother He had a large family, a sick wife in a A.G.’s A.A. Group was discussing the sanitorium, and he was broke, disgusted case of a hypothetical “slipee” or an and sick. I took Ed along to our group unfortunate member who had had a meeting at Williamsport and he took to relapse. To make a long story short, the A.A. like a duck to water. Within six victim had hit bottom, and hard, – no job, months time Ed was looking at the world no money, no room and no friends. A through rose-colored glasses. We, in our group takes hold and reclaims him from groups, had given Ed the tools to work the dregs of humanity. After three with. months in A.A., he is sitting on top of the After seven months of sobriety Ed world because of his sobriety, but he has slipped. No, he did not fail us; we failed been lax in attending meetings although Ed. His case was parallel with the constantly contacted by the men who neophyte who was given the finest set of brought him back from the “living dead.” watch-making tools and then instructed And then he slips and within 48 hours he to build precision time pieces. This he has lost everything he had gained in was unable to do because of lack of three months of sobriety. training. We gave Ed the finest set of Now, permit me to ‘quote my working tools, the 12 Steps, and told him friend, A.G. “Now comes the $64 to become master of himself. Realizing question. Do we start all over again? The the seriousness of our mistake, we again man has been given the tools to work got Ed back on the Program and taught with, but did not use hem. Are we him the fashion and use of God’s supposed to go through all the same Working Tools for alcoholics, the 12 things? Siting up nights, getting rooms, Steps. getting jobs, for this same man who Perhaps that will answer your $64 ignored the members pleas to come to question. – Dick K Watsontown, Pa. meetings?”

August 1948

Nosedive Was Both Ruin and Rejuvenation

From Toronto, Canada

Seventeen months ago I quit drinking for eight months, through just the reading of the book “Alcoholics Anonymous.” How my ego rose then. I was the big shot. I didn’t need the meetings or the fellowship. Only old fogies and weaklings had to attend meetings. I could do it all by myself. Oh yeah? And then a ten-week nosedive that was at once my ruin and my rejuvenation. Now that I am really working the program and making unbelievable progress in every way it irks and surprises me to hear the occasional old-timer in A.A. talk like this:- “You say you’ve been dry six months? Well, you are entering the danger period. Be careful! Watch out! I did so and so and so and SO and so and so – ” Now the old timers may mean well. They may intend this for a helpful warning; but it becomes monotonous. I’ve got God on my side now and I am not worried. Hasn’t it been written “If you are afraid of a machine you’re bound to get caught in it.” – McK.

August 1948

What Causes A Man to Slip? The Program ?

From Ponoca, Neb.

What is there about a man that real A.A. Program. Perhaps he began to God Not Important causes him to slip? Why, having once believe that these activities were the accepted something which he so Program. God was not so important desperately wanted and needed, does he because he had become important in suddenly get drunk? himself. His prayer was no longer “Thy Surely there can be nothing wrong yith will be done,” but “My will be done.” The the Program. It has been effective in too poisonous vapors of self-concern began many cases to lay the blame on it; it Thus the over-emphasis on the attached but basically unrelated activities to cloud his vision. the reliance upon God even proved effective for the slipper for a was over for he had become a selfgood period of time. It can and will prove tended to obscure in his mind his continuing need for the basic A.A. sufficient alcoholic again, concerned effective for him again if he chooses to about his own importance and welfare. use it. If the fault does not lie within the Program. He began to drop his own A.A. in favor of conventionitis and banquetitis Then lo and behold – he slipped. Program then it must be that the fault lies In view of these slips it seems within he man himself. Either he never to such an extent that what was once recognized as a desperate need essential that we continue to re-examine actually accepted the Program in the first ourselves as alcoholics and our place, or else he accepted it with gradually came to be considered as no need at all. His ego and self-sufficiency relationship as alcoholics to the A.A. reservations. Program as our way of life. – L. TC. began to build itself up again. Too Much Attention From a program of personal salvation the shift was to a program of But perhaps, and most likely, he personal glorification. Instead of worrying gradually lost sight of the A.A. Program about the problem of alcohol, he began in favor of some other related activities worrying about making his speeches and thus just as gradually began re- click. Instead of seeking help, he began inflating an ego that had once been to seek applause. Pride began to replace satisfactorily deflated. humility. He began to lose his salvation Perhaps he began paying too because he forgot that he needed it. He much attention to the related activities no longer needed to be saved because that have somehow become attached to he was saved already. He could now turn A.A. The result being that he began his attention to things more important attaching more and more importance to than the search for God. these related activities and his relation to them and less and less importance to the

September 1948

An old-timer Says: –

We Forget to Duck!” From New York, N. Y. In spite of his knowing, “once an our actions each day. Check where good to get away by ourselves and alcoholic always an alcoholic,” he we could have been a little more think things through, honestly, hum.

T HE question of persons, who after two, three, even five or more years of continued sobriety in A.A., “having trouble,” came is forgettiug the 10th Step. Envy has slipped into his thinking. Jealousiesand resentments lurk within him- The fellows at the office o r shop are understanding, or tolerant to someone else–whether the time we blew up was really as important as we bly, as we’d advise a newcomer to do. I’d like to see the ideas of others regarding this subject published in tried to make it. Let us try to re- The A.A. Grapevine. It will help up in a discussion meeting recently. picking on him again-The wife ! capture the wonderful fceling we you to write it: It may help someone How to avoid the “trouLle” is an doesn’t understand him anymore- had when we first came into A.A. who needs it and ckrtaiilv it will important question. Other A.A.s are running, or trying We’ll usually find, as always, that helo the newcomer to realize that It seems to boil down to something to run, the group-The speakers are the fault is within us. So let’s talk this is a continuous Program. To like Jack Dempsey’s reply to a ques- horing-He resented the fact that he the misunderstandings out. Let’s get full benefit out of it we must tioner, after Gene Tunney’ had flat- couldn’t drink with the other fel- give the other fellow the word of live it continuously-not just give teded him, who asked, “What hap- lows at the company outing-Peo- encouragement that he needs. It is lip service.-Dick S. pened?” The “Mauler” answered, “1 ple don’t appreciate his staying soforgot to duck!” ber. We, too, forget to duck. We get These and a thousand other little out of practice. We learn early in things may be the slip he didn’t A.A. that we should practice the Pro- catch soon enough. gram continuously. That slip doesn’t We are never going to reach peroccur when we take the first drink- fection. The above-mentioned things it may have happened a day, a are insidious, but we can strive to month or a year before we take the keep them out of our thinking. They first drink. Indeed, I have observed are our weeds. Unless we remove cases where everyone but the chap them, they will choke out our correct himself saw it coming. Strangely thinking to a point where we will enough, no one can talk to the get into trouble. “slipper.” Usually he has been on Years ago I was taught by those the Program longer-dry longer and who preceded me that I must ever has all the answers. Le on guard-that I’d always be an However, he has fast grown away alcoholic-Thank God I’ve always from the very simple Program he remembered it. learned when he first came in. That When we find envy, jealousy, reis kindergarten stuff to him. Through sentments, creeping into our thinkthe habit of not drinking, he feels ing, let’s weed them out. The simthat he is safe. ple way, it seems to me, is to review

November 1948

getting ahead in his job and that the Is Your boss has more respect for him. His situation at home improves and his Honesty wife begins to take his dependability and sobriety for granted. He discovers that’he has money in the bank. Shopworn? He is accepted for an insurance policy. A d . has begun to pay dividends that he did not seek. As time goes on, however, Joe ANY of our A.A. friends are starts to take these good things for M distressed about the increas- granted. He no longer feels grateful ing number of “slips” among for the recovery that made them posmembers who have been dry three, sible. He finally gets around to feelfour and five years. It eeems to be ing that he is entitled to A.A. divithe topic of conversation everywhere. dends. In other words, his honesty There is much “viewing with alarm” with himself is becoming shopworn. among the elders; much incredulous It becomes too much trouble to atsurprise among the newcomers. tend meetings, to speak, to give up a How often have we seen elders night of entertainment to do 12th loee interest? How often have we Step work. Because Joe has lost his heard a friend my, “What’s become honesty, he has lost his interest and of Joe? He used to be around all the his gratitude. time.” We have heard it many tima. Unless something happens to cut Later, we may hear murmurings that him down to size, Joe is heading for Joe is drinking and we are alarmed trouble. He may not have a “slip” or surprised because we figured that but he may find himself in an unit simply couldn’t happen to Joe. happy state of mind. He may have Let’s look at the situation from a “slip” which is the worst thing that Joe’s point of view. He has been in could happen to him because it will A d . for five years. Most of the time demolish his self respect. Generally, he has been active and interested in it will take him months of “bouncing his group and in the activities of around” to regain honesty. A.A. He has been completely honest To prevent such “slips” and, more in his thinking about himself in re- important, to understand them is as gar4 to alcoholism. He has been much a part of A.A. growth as the unselfish and his thoughts have been Program itself. We feel that there of others rather than of himself. He is a great need for honesty. We beremains sober and happy. lieve that its a good thing for all of Soon, other good things begin to us to “Count yourself again, you happen to Joe. He finds that he is ain’t so many!”-I.T.

December 1948

the old lift out of tlie iis~laltlii~~gs, come niy early p r e j ~ d i c ennd nctw afraid to leave the safe way for tlie ally tliirs~cdfor tliat wllich once had untried roads ahead. I remember been u~iacceptnble to me, for tliat venturing a little wny down tlie road wl~ich must be kept out of A.A. if of a “return to the nornial life,” the A.A. is to continue to he succcssful and rond which leads to great activity with new people. I also wanted to around the house, the accumulation apply the things 1 had learned in of material possessions, and concern A.A. to other fields. I have fortu. Discussion Pages for respectability, only to lind tl~at riatcly found these opportunities in this was fundanientally a selfisli life a Christian group movement wl~icl~, which led to unheallhy mental atti- tliougli completely separate from From Gurden City, N. Y. in allendance at meetings and who tudes. As I knew that these attitudes A.A., has much in common with it. CCASIONALLY we hear about passed their 12th Step work on to 0 slips after three, four nntl others, feeling sure that they were more years of sobriety. S u c l ~ heatling for trouble. And there was disturbing to considerable data from which to slips are p r t i c ~ ~ l a r l y would result in trouble I retreated Otlier friends of mine liave sucto full A.A. participation, again to cessfully chosen different avenues of find a lack of satisfaction for the usefuluess outside of A.A. on which drives that A.A. itself had fostered to concentrate their energies. Such all of us and must be shattering to draw such a conclusion with very in me. It was then tliat I perceived activities may be infinitely varied in the unliappy victims. little evidence that anyone could clearly that I must go on. detail, but must, I believe, includr In all humility 1 want to offer one materially reduce his A.A. activity Spiritual growth has been likened tlie element of self-giving-of sacriman’s idea of a way to avoid this with safety. to riding a bicycle. As soon as yoti fice of time, money and strength in sort of trouble. Many, no doubt, will May I say here as strongly a s I stop moving forward for any length the interests of other people-if they disagree, may even disagree as to con say it that I still believe this to of time you fall down. And many of are to provide the way out for the the wisdom of encouraging discus- be true for a period of years in the us must move out to move on. old-timer who has really reached niasion on the topic. My conviction, A.A. life of an individual? However, I came to understand that my ex- turity in the group. I feel sure that Iiowever, is that because A.A. is when the time comes, as it does co~ric perience in A.A., the studying I had nnytl~ing short of full com~nitmest growing older as well as larger, dif- after a few years of regular, frequent done, the devotion to prayer that was to some such enterprise conthins the ferent problems are presenting them- attendance at meetings, that the con- a direct outgrowth of as full an ap- seeds of decay and will inevitably selves which call for solutions mod- tent of the talks holds no novelty; plication of the 12 Steps as I could lend to a return to the old, vicious ified somewl~at from those tliat when we find our length of sobriety manage, had brought me to a place patterns of thought that sooner o r suficed in its younger days. to be an actual barrier between us where I wanted to deal with spiritual later bring their unhappy possessor At the 24th St. Clubliouse in the and the new man so that the old rap- things in religious terms. I had over- to the foot of the bar.-R.D. Fall of ’42 1 learned about the slo- port is lost ; when we have served our gans, the 12 Steps, working with terms as secretary, treasurer and so others in A.A. and the importance on; when we have carried the A.A. of frequent, regular attendance at message to several non-A.A. groups; Deflating the Alcolmlic Parent meetings. This was the basis on wlien we have, in short, run the which my new life was built and it gamut of conventional A.A. experiwus always to be the basis. I was ence we come to a cross-roads. AN A.A. father of our acqunintnnce recently sat down to dinner with hi8 wife and three children wearing a most p o u d and special air. After a bothered with no indecision on such For a time most of us reaching the moment of deliberate and dramatic silence lie announced solemnly: “This is matters and looked wit11 a jaundiced parting of the ways turn back re- my third anniversary of sobriety in A.A.” eye on members who slackened o n peatedly, trying once again to get “So what!” chimed tlie three kids simultaneoosly.-V.S.

January 1949

As one must ascend the 12 Steps The 12 Steps gradually, I feel the “slip” is the result of unconsciously descending these Steps. And as descending steps is always accompanied with less eflort than ascending them, the steps soon assume the behavior of an A Slip escalator. As the “bottom” is reached it invariably results in taking that “one drink,” which leads, for us, only to Front Dunkirk, Ind. all the remorse, terror and unhap- EKSONS who attain sobriety piness that follows a binge. P through the A.A. principles, do Thcse, then, are in my opiniot~the so only after a thoughtful ap- “12 Steps to a slip,” and are the plication of the 12 Suggested Steps direct result of failure to consciously to recovery. They happily find apply to our lives the 12 Suggested themselves on a level plateau of Steps to recovery : sanity after ascending these steps, We neglect 12th Step work. one after another, and they main- We omit contact with the Higher tain their sobriety by a contuinuing Power. application of these same steps. We forget personal inventory. Those unfortunates who lose their We assume grudges against others. sobriety are said to be having a We miss A.A. meetings, and avoid “slip.” 1 believe this is a misnomer, A.A. friends. for it suggests only a momentary ad- We 6radually lose humility. versity that unexpectedly pounces on We fall into self pity. its unwary victim. A more apt term We worry about unalterables. would be a “glissade,” for a slip is Our thinkin’ really starts stinkin’. . the result of a gradual process, be- We become “cocky” and overconginning long before its logical ter. fident. mination, and progressing through a We neglect to ask help from the series of wrong steps, to a drink, and Higher Power, and take “just one.” for us, a drunk. We become a “social drinker!’ A slip cannot be said to occur (Temporarily.)-R.H. only when it culminates in a drink, for many of us, in our failure to apply the 12 Steps to our living, frequently have slips, which are none the less slips merely because we do not slip as far as a drink.

January 1949 Richnrond Ifill, N. Y. WEspeakers hear much said by various Who Says about “slips.” Some l’hc rcriic:dy is not too dillic~ilt, idlc and 1 inor~ientarilyIiavc r~otlii~ig people are of the opinion that there owe you get used to it. It is simply to do; or when things begin to “pile is no such thing as a slip; that tak- The Is to apply the 10th Step; put it into up” and seem to be getting out of practice. The 10th Step does not control. I find it takes only a split ing another drink is a deliberate act. With the latter part of that statement say, “Take another moral inventory;” second to swerve off the highway and this writer agrees: the taking of a No Such Thing! it says “continue to take a moral in- start down the wrong road. It is ventory.” To me it merely means then that o w little slogans help me drink is a deliberate act. However, in my opinion, I cannot agree with check over your life within the re. a lot: Easy Does It; First Things the statement that there is no such cent past. Do not go back to some First. If 1 find myself getting worked thing as a slip. stead I was putting one or two nights of the things you did while on a up over something and ready to “fly I have found that in my own case a week aside for this purpose, pro- binge; that is covered by the 4th off the handle,” I pray for the wisthe taking of a drink after heing in vided nothing else came up. Step. Merely continue to check your dom to know whether or not I can A.A. was not the slip itself, but This pattern, with some slight devi. current past to see if you have im- do anything to remedy the situation rather the result of a slip that started ations, was so consistent on each proved in your normal living, in your at hand, and if I can, for the courage anywhere from an hour to a week slip that it was worth while think’lng dealings with others, and in your to do so, and if not, for the serenity or more prior to taking that drink. about it to pull myself in check once dealings with yourself. If you are to accept it. Then I try to relax, do In looking back and thinking over and for all so as to be able to rec- not honest and fair and square with the best I can, and leave the rest each slip that I have had, a definite ognize the next potential slip &en yourself you cannot be so with others. to God, asking Him to help me and pattern was noticed in connection it first starts. If I can recognize I, as an alcoholic, cannot stand let me know what He wants me to do. with each one: The slip always came that first apparently insignificant but still in life: I must either progress I have found that this has helped when I was physically or mentally tremendously important deviation or slide back. If I want to progress me tremendously in my fight with tired, or both; it was always pre- from “Route A.A.,” pulling back on I must work at it; otherwise I know John Barleycorn. I know 1 cannot ceded Ly a nervous irritation which the main highway before getting lost I will eventually slip. I try to make lick the Old Man, but with the help eventually got out of control; prior on some side road will not be too this progress by applying the 10th of God and A.A. I can keep him to the nervous irritation I was critical difficult. To me, the ability to rec- Step every time my mind becomes from licking me.-T.J.P. of the shortcomings of my fellow ognize this first indication of a slip, workers; I was intolerant of the other and thereby avoid the processes of man because he disagreed with me alcoholic thinking which it brings, or could not comprehend my feel- is as important as avoiding the first ings-that old “egotism” sprouting drink which always brings on a out again! And, if I go back far drunk. My mind has bee11 so used enough, to the very beginning of the to following the road of least reslip, it usually disclosed the fact that sistance that if something is not done to pull in at the very first sign of a I was missing a meeting here or deviation and if some real effort is there; I was not continuing to take not made to get hack on the right the moral inventory as suggested in road I know I will follow the old the 10th Step; 1 was not practicing course to the first drink and finally and living the A.A. Program, but in- to who-knows-how-much tronhle.

February 1949

From Mr. Forest, Ont., Can& we have an unfailing resource. In Him we have a Friend who through SOME do not like the word “slip.” the great medium of pyer will Some prefer to call it “a period never let us down in our fight for of insobriety,” “relapse,” or “falling sobriety.-~.~. off the wagon.” Call it what you will, it dasn*t make it one whit less annoying, baffling, and tragic for the victim. However, our observations and a too, too, personal survey has led us to believe that there b always a very definite cause. It may be financial, domestic, plain boredom, or our own over-confidena. Somewhere in the sub-conscious it lurks, whether we care to admit it or not. It often occurs through trying too hard and is often actually premeditated. What of its prevention? That ageold warning to avoid the first drink and not to miss meetings cannot be improved upon. Other methods equally worthy are: to call another member when tempted; avoid being alone; keep occupied. Basically, if our original resolve to master the obsession and allergy for drink was sinare enough, a mental recalling of those anxious days when we vowed that “we had a sincere desire to stop drinking,” should be a powerful enough incentive to prevent that first drink. Should that fatal relapse occur, there is a remedy. Go back to AA. Many a slip has proved the missing link to permanent sobriety. It took that slip to jolt the alcoholic back into line. Yield to the Higher Power. Here

April 1949

mom. Like so many other “slip- tory, honesty, spiritual awakening– 1I T H E A.A. 1 pers,” Ned had been trying to work the Program on one pamphlet, which that were “stumbling blocks” to this man who stumbled often. “Let’s just someone had given him, and listening keep God out of this,” had always to speakers at the meetings. But the been Ned’s fervent wish. But every pamphlet had become lost and the story he read demonstrated again speakers Ned enjoyed most were the that the Power greater than self was ones who told funny stories. Some- in root and branch of A.A. experithing was missing. Maybe the book ence. Steps Two through Eleven would explain what. were spiritual. Two-steppin’His Way Three hundred and ninety-four pages of “solid” A.A. reading began Perhaps in shock, perhaps in resentment, perhaps because he secretly opening new doors for Ned. Here knew it must be the end, Ned then were the original stories of recovered embarked on the drunk that was to To a Slip slippers, stumblers, drunks such as he. This was the beginning; here end all drunks. It almost did end a particular one. Weeks of drunkensalvation had been worked out. ness, delirium, sickness and insanity “Bill’s Story,” LLThe Unbeliever,” spun their mad dreams. “Get drunk “The Back Slider,” “My Wife and I,” -go to sleep-wake up’n’ get drunk “The Seven Month Slip!’ Each ag’in. The 01′ One Two, boy, it’s a From Norwalk, Conn. chapter opened the most rewarding little 01′ Two-Step.” Down, down A.A. meeting Ned had attended in sank Ned until he finally came to the almost a year. He wasn’t reading T HE most balled lot of people in A.A. are the steady “slippere”like Ned. They accept the Program, attend meetings, make 12th “Just two Steps of the Program is all Ned really wants. First and last. First, he admits he’s an alcoholic. Twelllh, he’s willing to try to help for amusing stories; he wasn’t aeeking sociability. Ned was studying to learn. In his hands was a textbook, j u m p i n g – o f f – p l a c e . Below l a y a shadowy realm known only to the ones who “don’t make it.” At last, on the very edge, the Power that Ned Step calls, frequently know more someone else. All the Steps in the and the “Two Steps” victim was go- was stumbling blindly away from inabout the philosophy of “Alcoholics middle Ned leaves out.” ing to school. tervened. Ned stopped; all was dark- Anonymous” than long time dry ness ahead. He turned back. The N O W it became clear why he members. What the “slippers” keep missing is the end result of the Pro- NEDA.A.hadto know grown wise enough in he was not listen- slipped so hard, so often, so dislost man tried one step toward safety -We admitted that we were powcrgram-sobriety. ing to idle gossip or a “panning!’ astrously. The Steps in the middle less over alcohol-then two steps- One of the chronic stumblers in Both members were sincerely trying were sobriety’s foundations! Of Came to believe in a Power greder ‘ the Norwalk Group overheard a cof- to figure a way to help. He walked course it had been easy for Ned t6 tlran ourselves-The ground was firm fee and donuts convention that did away quietly, because he had some admit he was alcoholic-a few meet- -Made a decision-Ned whispered more to set him on the right road private thinking to do. “Two Steps,” ings made that fact inescapable. the words that gave him strength. He than nine months of meetings. “Trou- his mind repeated. One, Two; One Easy, too, being willing to help some- looked up and began walking back ble with Ned,” said one member, Two. That’s been my trouble, all one else. Ned always wanted to be the rest of the long way. With each “he’s a Two-stepper.” right. Two Steps.” considered a good fellow. It was Step the light he had been promised “What do you mean?” inquired Next day Ned bought a copy of the great, strong building blocks in in the A.A. Book shown more the other. the big A.A. book, Akoholics Anony- the middle-humility, moral inven- Lriglltly upon his face.-D. Jr.

April 1949

most thoughts. He won’t give us The Periods of Sobriety against all moral law if they were carried out in action to completion. knowledge of his will if we harbor So we restrain ourselves from doing thoughts that are contrary to his these things but that is not the end will. of it. We must do something in On the other hand, if we ask Were Short place of them. There must be a compensation of Him for a clean mind and are willing to have our mind clean, he will some kind for all our thoughts. give it to us. And when, as in the Either we dismiss a thought from 12th Step, we have had a spiritual our mind compIetely and forget it awakening and have turned our or it will bear fruit in our lives lives over to Him we have assurance From St. Pad, Minn. words or actions they never had any that he will settle our thoughts, whether we like it or not. If we CAME into this Program after life. Therefore the thougl~tsof my turning them into commendable in- I 13 years of drinking, during mind were solely my own and had which I had tried many timm to overcome my drinking habit by no bearing on my actions. In other words I had the idea that I was entertain wrong thoughts they will bear bad fruit (drunkenness for me), but if we have honestly made the 3rd Step and turned our will over stead of contemptible channela Any thoughts that are purely selfish, that represent our personal comfort, deprayer and trying to maintain a con- keeping my mind under subjection sire, or covetousness can work an to the care of God how can the scious contact with God. I had short which was all that was required of thoughts behind our will be any- alcoholic’s downfall. If those periods of sobriety followed by worse me. But I had erred almost fatally thing but good thoughts bearing thoughts aren’t satisfied we experiperiods of drunkenness. I was get- about the power of my thoughts to ence frustration and we drink. If good fruit? ting progressively worse and if given demand an expression in some way. those thoughts are satisfied we aay In the 11th Step we pray only for opportunity I had no control over While my thoughts on certain sub- we have all we need now so we knowledge of His will for us. As alcohol whatever. I knew that A.A. jects never found expression in ac- we grow in this Program we come leave the A.A. Program and we was he last resort and if it didn’t tion on that subject, they did find to believe that the Higher Power is drink. So let us guard carefully our help me nothing could. So I started expression in drinking. secret thoughts because they deterinfinite, so let us be under no deluattending meetings and as the whole Peychologists call it frustration. sion that he can’t read our inner- mine for us our very lives.-KX. Program sounded reasonable, I be- To me it was like a child blowing gan to feel that this was what I had up a toy balloon. If he blows long ban looking for. But I had been enough it will let go somewhere. in only about five weeks when 1 Man’s motivating thoughts come had a slip. Another three weeks- from deep within him somewhere another slip. There was something the heart-the soul–call it what you radically wrong with me. will. They are infinitely deeper than My squad leader and I had a talk the thought processes we use in pertbe night after the second slip and forming our daily work. They are our conversation turned to tho power the thoughts that come to us, as it our thoughts had on our actions. I were, while we are daydreaming. had never considered the thoughts Day-dreams are not necessarily of my mind to any great extent be- pleasant. Some of them are nightcruse I had tho idea that as long as mares of resentments, pits of dethoughts were never translated into bauchery-things that would be

i n April 1949

“IT’Sjust a matter of fitting this said, “Yes, Sally is Lack with me smple I’rogram to your own and we’re buying a little home. She’s personality,” he said quietly. “Let the other fellow work it according to working again to help, because you see I have a lot of dead horses that The his way of thinking. Take it easy- have to be paid for. .. .I’m not geton faith. But remember, work it every day, son.” He patted me on ting very rich selling adding machines and typewriters,” he smiled. Cockeyed the back. “If you honestly want it, “Duke” and I often had lunch together. One noon he looked worried. you won’t have any trouble.” I saw a great deal of “Duke” after “You know,” he said meditatively, “it’s not right for these new fellows Halo that. I became an ardent disciple of his A.A. philosophy, until one day to set me on a pedestal. I’m just one he warned me against the dangerous drink from a drunk, .. . as close as practice of setting up heroes. … they are!’ I be telling you, the old master, what to do?” I laughed nervously. “But “I’m just as close to a drink as you ‘ I do think you’re building up a re- From Grand Rapids, Mich. are. In fact, I made a horrible mess of my first two months in Alcoholics IfromSHUDDERED to think of the consequences of “Duke” slipping, and then on I imagined I could desentment!’ Anonymous. It wasn’t until I’d stop- 1 FIRST met “Duke” at my initial ped trying to pattern my new way of tect an increasing irritability and ‘T HERE you go again,” he said, “straightening my halo!” When meeting in Alcoholics Anonymous, life after someone else’s, that I fretfulness in his conversation. But and even through my rum-soaked found sobriety and some peace of when he intimated that he and his “Duke” deliberately missed the plane vision I recognized that he was no mind,” said “Duke!’ boss had had some difference of his boss had made reservations on, ordinary individual. Smartly, but in- opinion, and that he felt he’d better I was sold on the idea that perhaps expensively attired, his poise, gentle mannerisms and vocabulary certainly MY first 12th Step job was made w~th”Duke,” and I watched in resign, then I really began to be fearful. I knew “Duke’s” boss very well. he shouldn’t go. But he caught the .. next flight. . belied my sponsor’s description of silent admiration as he put our pros- He understood my friend’s alcoholic Six days later “Duke’s” boss him . .. “That guy is a living miracIe pect at ease by recounting episodes problem and had done everything he phoned me. The sound of his.voice of what this Program can do. Just from his own drinking career. Deftly could for him without pampering broke me out in a cold sweat. … 17 months ago an old college pal he wove in the progressiveness of him. “Duke made the convention OK. Atdragged ‘Duke’ off skid row, tattered, his disintegration, his early frustra- A couple of days later “Duke” in. tended all the meetings the first day. stumbling and sick. He’s been in tions and fears, his numerous at- formed me that his boss had asked Played poker all night with a bunch more booby hatches and jails than he tempts to halt his drinking, broken him to attend a national convention of drunks without taking a drink. can remember. .. . I’ll introduce you promises to reform, the disgrace he in a large Southern city. “Nothing Then took 05 for home that morn- .. to him later. !’ brought upon his family and finally but a big drunk for most of the fel- ing. . ..*, Later when I looked into “Duke’s” his loss of self-respect … which clear, friendly eyes, I got a lift from tumbled him from the love of a relow~,” “Duke” snorted. “I’m not going. It’s not that I’m afraid of what “NO,” I mumbled, “I haven’t heard from him.” his encouraging amile, and his words spectable and prosperous family to will happen. Anyway, the boss will Then the boss told me he had just dispelled my apprehensiveness as to the point where even the denizens of get more out of it than I will!’ received a phone call from “Duke” how the chatter I’d just heard about a hobo jungle despised him. I tried to show him that it was an from a mid-Western city, requesting a new way of life was going to keep Our prospect’s bleary eyes re- indication of confidence on his boss’s funds, and asking him not to tell me sober. flected a flicker of hope as “Duke” part even to suggeat it. “Why should Sally. Said he’d sober up in a day

or two. “Sure I’ll go,” I whispered, I made arrangements to have him when the Boss asked me if I could entered into a hospital and waited take a slrrper that night and h i n g for Sally to arrive. . . . “Duke” home. … Next morning TWOwreks later “I)ltke” and I thc clerk nt the desk of the, cheap had lunch ill our favorite spot. He hotel gave me tllc pitcl~ 011 nly had healed miract~lortsly. The radifriend. “Had to call the doctor. He’s ant complexion had retllrllcd. Sally in I W C ~ ~ Ybad shape.” As I entered had given him a present of a new “Duke’s” room I saw that the clerk sllit. But his eyes had a sadness that was a master of understatement. was unfamiliar. 1 knew what was Ile gulped the drink I’d poured. worrying him before he asked wit11 With a wry smile he mumbled, “See, some hesitation: “What would you c11un1, my halo’s crooked again!” do a1)orrt tclling the gang? The ef- ‘I’II~II with a frown 11e inquired, “Did fect on the new fellows, you know. you tell anyone?” It might he had.” “l’l~at, I I I ~good pal, is a question E was relieved when I told him for you and your Cod to answer,” I only I loss, a and 1 knew replied. “Ar~dwhile we’re discussing of his troul~le. you, have you given any thought as He didn’t really know much, out- to what You missed on Program side of the facts that he had become that caused You to slip?” disgusted wit11 the convention, had laken a l h n e for a mid-westem city, rather t l ~ a ngo home, had or- S UDDENLY tile old light of con. fidence and honesty flashed in his clrred a case of beer in his room. … eyes. “That I have, pal. … I had jmt to get his thinking ironed out. the exact nature of my ‘I’l~en 11e went out for whisky. A wrongs, but, I hadn’t humbled mycouple o l days later blacked out. self enough to ask God to remove “Wo~~ld you like me to call Sally my defects. . . . I believe these and have her come over and nurse tlloughts are found in the 6th YOU? … or do you I V ~ I I I ~to drink 7t11 Steps.” some more?” That night at our regular meeting “Duke” related the whole story of made a grimace with his one his slip, pointing out in his charac- HEgood eye. “‘&’hat d’you drink, teristic manner how he had failed to Bud? Go &ad call ‘er- nut ]issen, use the t 0 0 1 ~Alcoholics Anonymous mum’s the word to the gang.” had given him. . .. “And,” he said I was too upset to discuss honesty, in closing, “Let’s not have any more I~umility or any part of “Duke’s” I~ero-worsl~i~)~~ It’si n g ! dangerous for future in Alcol~olicsAnonymous. So both parties.”–H.C.M.

May 1949

I Have Had a Slipmy l~ouseof sobriety has collapsed w11e11I ca~neinlo A.A.; and 1 CLLII r 1 I I E rescnlch work and tests I have (lo it again. 01′ ccjld, if uot greater 1 recently bccn conducting bavr inipor~ancc,I ci111cl~angcI I I Y 111i11k- IN:CII higllly Lct~c:ficinli r ~giving ~ n y , From I?cntringtorr, Vt. ing. W l ~ c ~1r came illto A.A. I ac- thr wisdorn 10 kr~ow111ctlilTerer~ccIle- “1 have hod a slip. My curclully cor~structedhouse o l sobriety has col- cep~cd the 1st Stcp-“IBe udrnitted tween normal tlrinkir~gand my clislupsed. All the time and thought and cflort I have put into following thc we wcre powerless over alcohol.” SO, case of alcoholism. I p i d a lot for A.A. Program has been wasted. I am right back where I sbrted from.” regardless of the circumstances that this wisdom, but now that I llavc acled to and culminated in my slip, I quired it, 1 can profit by it, ill spite must now recognize and face the fact of the fact that headaches, jittcrs, re-

I F I had a slip it is quite probable for that matter: Yesterday is gont*, that I too would be thinking never to return. The only period I along these lincs. My present and have in which I can accomplish anyft~tureprospects would appear to me thing is this particular 24 hours. So that for the moment I forgot to re- morse and a lot of other extras that member that all alcoholics are power- I did not order were included in the less over alcohol – that only one purchase. drink, the first one, stands between Summarizing this experience, I to be prctty bleak. I might even fcel let me forget the past. Let me ask me and a return to destructive need merely say to myself, “I forgot humiliated, and certainly wouldn’t humbly for serenity, courage and drinking. that I am powerless over alcohol. &ok forward with any degree of wisdom to meet the problems I am If I get right down to cases and This slip has been helpful in conplcasure to the thought of returning to my group and telling the members facing today. If 1’11 do that, and nothing else, I’ll lop off at one stroke . aln honest with n~vself. – 1’11 conduct vincing me that I am an alcoholic, a little test. Quite obviously no fur- and as such, I am no different from about my trouble. I may have won- a sizable chunk of worry, remorse, ther research is needed in this direc- more than a million others who canclcred why and how other guys got regret and Iiumiliation. tion, and from this angle alone the 011 the beam and here I would be in I can’t change the thinking or the not safely use alcohol in any forr; slip has been beneficial. I can now the same predicament. circumstances that caused the slip, change my thinking-I can again ac- I have paitl a high price ‘for thc If I will calmly scrutinize and and little if any good will come from cept this limitation in my life. If this k~~owledge because it was acquired anulyze the situation and endeavor trying to analyze them. For some should seem a bit tough and hard to in much the same manner that 1 to separate the good from the bad, I reason, which is not too important, take, I think of some of the many would lcarn from trial and error that might be surprised to find how much the slip inevitably followed my mo- other things which I and millions of it can never be safe for me to sit OII of immediate and future benefit to mentary lack of acceptance of the other people (alcoholic and IIOII- a hot stove. So far as any further myself and others could be extracted fact that neither 1 nor any other 81- alcoholic alike) have to change and attempts at normal drinking arc WIIfrom such an experience. coholic can drink normally. clreerfully do change, every day of cerned-this slip has given me–“the #< our lives without getting drunk over serenity to uccept the things I currnvt Grant us thc sererrity to accept things “Couruge to change the things we them. we cannot c1runge”- can.” chunge, courage to change the things “-and wisdom to know the JilJcr- I can, and wisdom to know the diflltST of all, let me face the fact What can I change? Obviously, 1 ence.” Ierence.”–Y.M .U. can come from cry- can stop drinking by going back to iug over spilled milk-or gin either the 2Chour plan. I did it before

May 1949

From Broclrtun, Mass. adversity of this nature. I’m afrnid however, that those who can Itoacst l y E d l believe’ that no one can find the answer to that questio~~, T t ruly understand the nlcoholic “Where did I miss the boat?” nrc as can another alcoholic. Ily the in the minority. same token, I believe that no one can As I look back on my slips, each fully understand the problem of an one was preceded by a period of A.A. member, who has had a slip, wrong thinking at the end of which or several slips, the w a y another I was not spending ellough thought “~li~)~)ee can. ” Having had mine, I on the Power Greater than myself. feel qualified to speak a few words At this stage my guard was down and to those who find themselves in the I was wide open for most any dissame category. couragement or adversity. Without a doubt you have sin- If and when you find yoursclf cerely tried to diagnose and analyze thinking wrong, either grab t l ~ c your slip or slips. What caused it? Book, go to a meeting, contact an In some instances you are fortunate A.A. member or start thinking A.A. enough to put your finger on the Ily all means give yourself a mental answer and therefore you are well- shake. Don’t go on this dry drunk! sqoipped to guard ngninst any fi~ture It’s too dangerous.-W.O.G.

June 1949

bearings in perpetual alcoholic lubri- Quiet !I . . cation. . The man remembered in his pinwheeling mind just enough of A.A. Imagination not to get excited. “Nothing can happen to me that a drink won’t make it worse.” He recalled men who’d At Work been worse off, and their talks. First, he stayed sober. That in itself was a miracle, to hear him tell it, but he From Bayside, N. Y. made it back to work by an agreedupon time, shaky but dry as a bone. HE man had absorbed about five The boss was tough as a boot, yet he Tmonths of AA,, then slipped- did get another chance, because the i.e., deliberately got drunk. He wasn’t boss knew more ohout him than he’d “as bad off as those guys.” ,Within a ever thought. And he talked to the week he was much worse off, and try- creditors, first ones first, as he felt ing to get the Program in operation up to it, and they-possibly out of again, because he knew somehow that surprise at seeing him earnestly sober he could. instead of half-fried and pulling a big- But that horrible, phantasmagoria1 shot act-laid on, gave extensions or imagination was at work. The end- variously made new arrangements he of-a-big-binge imagination. Within could handle. And the wife came back this week the family was gone, leav- within a couple of weeks, for she was ing no assurance of when or if they one of those fine, true people we alcowould return. The job was gone, if holics choose for wives and she knew he remembered correctly what he’d that if he had salvaged his job and’ said over the phone while instructing got the creditors on his side aftcr the boss on its ultimate disposition. that last whingdingaree (she was a He had in a few years promoted him- good judge of those, too, after 12 self into debt some $3,000, on a sal- years with this guy) then all he ary no single bank would have rated needed was her and the kids and if for a loan of more than half that. God meant for him to keep on living And if this drunk didn’t get him at all, with A.A. he’d make it this fircd, he knew that another garnishee- time. ment would, which would mean start- Moral : Don’t get excded; ing at the bottom again in the only nuty as you are, you may be the trade he knew. Which meant he h t level-headed squirrel in the couldn’t support the family if he got cage- certainly the only one them back. … The finest squirrel w b can make the cage stop cage that ever revolved on roller spinning.-K.K.

June 1949

other alcoholics have clone, tlic tragic it is A.A.’s busincss too, since I am fancy that someway and son~cl~ow the an alcoholic who knows he can’t hantin~ewould come when I could take dle it, and who wants to stay sober. that iirst little sliot-(and probably And yet, the A.A. Program is just a few more little sliots!) and something more positive tllan the abthen go normally about nly affairs, sence of drunkcnness, more satisfying instead of incvitnLly going off the than sobriety alone. It is infinitely dcep end, and continuing to go off, more than sobriety, but it is imposdeeper and deeper. sible without sobriety. All this was before the “gentle- I can encourage the newcomer in , man-of-distinction” wl~isky adver- many ways, of course, but I cannot tisements had been dreamed up, but turn the power on in his behalf: A.A. From Washington, D. C. ber of A.A. as that individual under- that idea about represents the will- doesn’t work by proxy nor operate stands Him, or tries to understand. . . o’tlie-wisp I was then chasing. . I through substitutes. A member of I BIIOUGHT my unmanageable life to A.A. four years ago, and I A mere parrot-like repetition of idle words and empty promises is not wanted to drink pleasural)ly, decently, with e~~joyment and stimulation- A.A. can inspire another, can point the way, can lead tlie newcomer to have not had a drink since. I now enough to keep me sober. I used yet restraint. Ilestraint! As an alco- the Steps-ht he cannot tdce the find it just as natural to stay sober in plenty of those before I ever heard holic, I might with as much prob- Steps for his friend. A.A. power can- A.A. all the time as formerly it of A.A. I have to mean business in ability of success, have sought to not be delegated. It is direct, perseemed natural (or inevitable) not to A.A. before A.A. can do business overtake a mirage, or hoped to grasp sonal, self-action all along the line. stay sober anywhere o r anytime. with me. a rainbow and hold it for my very I still have no power over alcohol, own! … I CAN ofier the newcomer the unand I know I will never have any. A.A. power has done it, and A.A. B EFORE coming to A.A. I long cherished the delusion that some derstanding of a fellow alcoholic power has been able to do it because rare day I would commence handling I myself have worked hard,-(hon- I HAD to go a long, hard way be- who shares his experiences. I can fore I learned that … before I point to what other alcoholics have alcohol, instead of alcohol always faccd and accepted the cold, I)ut sinl- done in A.A., and tell him what I estl y, I believe) -and persistently, handling me. Rut I had no idea how ple fact that because I am an alco- believe I have learned in A.A. … at turning on that power. that condition was to come about. holic I can never drink pleasantly, and, I can help him most by staying I learned how not to take that first Of course, I did not select the life controlledly .. . that no alcoholic sober myself. drink by learning how to turn on I was leading then. No man in his can … that if there is to be any In fact, unless I stay sober myself, A.A.’s power and to keep it turned right mind-nor woman-accepts hy pleasantness, any control, in my life, 1 cannot help him, us an alcolrolic. on. That means plugging right along . preference the follies, miseries and I cannot drink at all .. . that the If I do not stop drinking myself, how at the principles of the 12 Steps. I tragedies which haunt the days and final payoff for a drinking alcoholic can my example intluce anotller alplug in the power when I plug at the horrify the nights of a practicing al- . . is extinction, not distinction. . coholic to try to stop? Not taking Steps. coholic…. I just wanted to drink A.A. is not concerned with the that first drink myself must be my In my experience, this power con- some more! … And not be hoth- drinking of those who can handle it. primary personal preparation for sists of (1) our mutual encourage- ered! .. . I wanted to drink without (And those who can’t handle it, but Iiclping the other guy,–for being any ment and understanding-(often re- piling up the consequences and pen- still want to try, are not our meat better at 12th Step work than a “Misferred to in A.A. as group therapy) alties which, for an alcolrolic, are in- either-unless and until they cllange sion Stiff,” or than Jimmy the Bar-‘ – p l u and mode possible by (2) a escapable. . . that idea.) . Ilut. I nm concer~~etltender. They can tell him he can’t Higher Power: God, for each mem- And so 1 nursed, as thousands of with the ion-drink& of myself, and handle it. I have to do more than

that, as a working A.A. I have to I now try in A.A. to consider the show him . .. and not show him how things that happen to me as being of to drink. He already knows how to less consequence than the way I act do that. – about those things when and as they happen. I do not always succeed any

0NLY I can turn off the A.A. power for me. No other human too well. … But I certainly do better than I used to do. can-and God won’t. .. . I cannot know what the future But this we learn: if we keep on holds. But I believe it will hold soworking in A.A., keep on trying to practice its principles, that very fact briety for me, if I will hold A.A. I -the very making of the effort- believe that with A.A. power on, I keeps the power alive and on, and can tackle whatever comes better the result is a different life and a than I possibly could with A.A. sober one. power off.-Pete D.

June 1949

From Oakdale, Iowa bered up so I could be brought to the hospital. HAVE been in A.A. now for abut I One and a hdf Years. Rea”~, I Since had my examinations here, I find I’m not so bad. of I’ve been kicking it course, it will take time and rest, but around. The first year I did all right. 13, on the road to rwover): in more Then got to sorry for ways than one, I’ve done a lot of because so-called romance praying, A.A. reading, and thinking wasn’t working out. As long as I’ve since lvve hem in here and l v m getbeen an ‘ have ting so many things straightened out known that getting drunk didn’t help in my mind. 1 know that cod will matters Just the same, I did, never let me down. Several members and lost my job at the hospital, where I, the gmup in lows Q~~have was a nurse. I so- been out to see me. Doc C. especially bered and could think better* has helped me so much in talking to went back to the ”’s~ihl and ta’ked me and bringing me the A.A. Cqeto suI’ervis”r. She knew I was in vines. My group in Burlington has A.A. and was doing everythingin her lost faith in me, I guess, as they have power to help me. In fact, one of the helped me M, much and I have well-known doctors in Burlington slipped, ~h~~ don’t write or come to and my suPr”isor spent an after- ,e me, 80 I gue, I’m marked up as noon and evening looking for me a bad bet. when was out on my spree. when 1 find &at the %Hour Program I heard this, I really felt bad. not only helps me with my drinking Through the kindness of these two problem, but in my evevdny people, I got my job back. Every- routine here in the hospital. I get [hing was going along fine when bang! The nurses came up for all muddled up and then think, “Easy routine H~~~ I war given Does It.” I would love to hear from the news that I had T.B. according mme of Tb A.A. Grapevine readers* to my X-rays. When I came to my as I have plenty of time now to anright senses, 1 was in jail to be so- swer letters.-M.B.

J u l y 1949

It’s Harder for Some!

From Chicago, Ill. “Did you see h a t drunk out there?” My heart sank within me, not in noticed a few times in my sympadry for this poor drunk fellow I Z k f d years of being in A.A. nim of mine, hut for the lo~iclincss h a t there often is, in a group, some h i s other man will surely s ~ ~ f l efor r poor soul who has more difficulty lack of understanding, nlayl~e not making the Program than others. He now, but in time to come he will. however returns again and, again. I do not believe we can continue to Not so long ago I met one of my enjoy this beautiful Program, and more unfortunate brothers outside judge our brother who is more slow out club room, very much disgusted to learn. with himself. He said, “I don’t sup- Thank God it didn’t make any difpose I will ever make it.” I am sure he felt just that way. I gave ference to my sponsor in Tulsa or him a dollar for drink, and went 1 wonldn’t be here to write this note into the club room where one of our of gratitude to A.A. and to all who more worthy brethren, who for~u- hove been tolerant of me in my weak nntely has never slipped, said to me, moments.-D.A.

August 1949

Editorial:

“It’s a Cinch!”

Before a Slip

wl~ilc smirking, “wlmt a good Ijoy shows no visible signs of tension, they am I.” Last stand of h e Old Big might easily miss some of the basic “I T’S a cinch!” said the big red- confident, calm-eyed ex-drunks ; by headed fellow after three offhand references to “80,000 of us”; months. At four months they by speaker after speaker saying, “I’ve carted him off to the alcoholic ward. had no trouble .. .” Shot! As to turning heir wills over lo a Iligher I’owcr4orthle Mafiaria! They weren’t ready for that God stuff training we all got in the less amuenl days and in smaller, more intimaye groups. “It’s a cinch!” the little woman These three were victims, literally, yet! At any rate, these three were consaid. She’d been dry seven months, of A.A.’s success. If so many could The result was that when a few fused a i d there may be many others qocky for about three. They found do it with such apparent ease,-well, adverse circumstances dovetailed with innocently discounting the power of b r all but dead in her bedroom-a it n u s t be a cinch! Then, to top it a tempting opportunity to drink- Jol~nIhrleycorn. The A.A. Program binge, and an overdose of sleeping off, there was that slogan “Easy Does hang! There was no r e d subslance is s i m p l c b u t not easy! There’s a pills. It9′-good old “Easy Does It!” to their brand of A.A.; no habit nice distinction. Building the Great “It’s a cinch!” Don’t kid yourself, For a while it was easy-or seemed thought of sobriety carefully built up Wall of China was simple–merely brother! to be. After sincerely taking the to replace the take-a-drink reflexes of a case of putting one stone ,on top We have in mind three recent ‘slip- First Step, then a running broad many years. Their error was a hu- another. But it wasn’t easy! Fortuees’, two men and a woman, whose jump to the Twelfth Step, these three man one and maybe part of the blame nately no great harm was done and falls from grace have one point in managed 4, 7, and 11 months of be- lies with you and me. A.A.’s growth three people have learned the hard common-a too casual approach to ing dry. Dry-period! The inter- is so rapid these days, the groups are way that “Easy Does It” does nol sobriety. Lulled by the comfortable vening ten steps? Mafiana! Didn’t often so large that the old personal mean “Tnke it easy!” As a memento atmosphere of A.A. they got the idea that last speaker say, “Easy Does touch is sometimes missing. So if of their slips let us paraphrase two that alcoholism wasn’t so tough after It!”? a man or woman isn’t drinking and lines from that epic poem, all, merely a matter of going through a few motions. Alas! They didn’t HE moral inventory was side: “Why, it’s a cinch”,! hc! said. know it was loaded! Ttracked. They toot a whirl at And smiling, the boy /ell dead! Steps 8 and %making amends. In ODAY, sadder but wiser, they retrospect, however, they see that T r e a l i z e they were “taken in*’ by even here they mistook pride for lelf illusion, by suddenly finding humility. The “amends” consisted themselves among so many smiling, mostly of paying up old bar bills

August 1949

The Tough Nut- He Won’t Give b’r or11 Sealtle, Wash. make the meetings, bumps his IIOSC, nnd lards right hack in the guttw. ItAT about the man who admits W lle was not ready. There was that he cannot now and never way we could know that. We cell 1111

could handle his alcohol, and who only know what hc tells us, a d in the same breath states that he proceed from that. Perhaps he told still gets a lift out of his drinking? 11s the truth as he understood it in He could be the fellow who feels his muddled, confused mental state. he needs some outside influence to He may have redly wanted the Promake his boss, his wife, or some gram, but he was still looking for a other disapproving inlluence think bargain; our price was still too high. IC is now going to do something As sure as anything, his need for $ ,out the situation, and after making the I’rogram will increase, and the this impression, intends in his secret price will seem more reasonal)lc, IIIImind to continue just as he has I)t:rn ti1 he will find the Program cheap at in the habit of doing, although prob- any price. ah1y more cautiously. Nothing is really lost, when wc Ile may know in his own mild apparc~~tly fail ill an attempt to hell) that he is washed up as a social a prospective member. drinker, but is reluctant to give into Twelfth Step work has been called the idea. A.A. insurance. It is also education, He may not wish to admit to any- mental exercise, and experience. If one that he’s through, for fear that we have followed the rules, we need he might convince hirnself. not feel badly when we fail on an This man should have all the assignment, for if the prospect is all friendship and help we can give l ~ i m alcoholic, he’ll be back, and when now. But we should not feel de- this happens, the groundwork has feated if our well-intentioned assist- already been laid, and he will probance apparently fails. He may sur- ably never run into some of the pit- .ive a few meetings, appear to have falls that more quickly successful &uide” the l’rogram in fine style, members have had to meet and to when all of a sudden, he fails to overcome.-A.M.

J* ‘ August 1949

A.A. in Reverse- 112) kc.c*ltyour (I::) Take 311 tl~e A.A. PI.O~FUIII eyes optw gives—but clon’t give it any. for Sollle- thing 11ut hell. t Ir i 11 ( 19) Kick almut IIIC wcekly dewwrong and tioil you rnukc- -even thougl~ Twenty Ways to a Slip when you you have spent 52 timcs that find it-yell your head off. amount on one drinking bout. (13) At every opportunity threaten (20) After you have been sober to quit and get your friends over a period of time- Front Orltalru, yourself to hc nominated for to quit with you. through the Grace of God and NcO. one of these jolts. (14) When you vote on ally clues- tlrc teachings of A.A., tell tion, vote to do something – everybody you don’t nced the (1) Seldom, if (7) \Y’l~c~ia I~arquetis givcn, tell then go home artd do the group or club arty more -and ever, go to everybody motley is being opposite. that you are now ready to go a group wasted on blowouts which it alone.-M.T.E. (15) Agree with everytlting said at meetingor make a l ~ i gnoise and nccomplish nothing. a meeting – then disagree a regdur meeting. with it outside. (2) If you do attend, find fault ( 3 ) When banquets are not given, ( 16) When asked for information with the work of the men who say that the group or club is -don’t give it. are conducting the meetieg. dead and needs a can tied t e l 17) Cuss the local group and the it. t National Headquarters for in- (3) Never accept an assign~nentit is easier to criticize than (9) Don’t tell the group how it completeness of information. to do things. can help you, but if it does not help you-resign. (4) If asked by the chairman to give your opinion regarding (10) If you receive help without some matter pertaining to joining, don’t think of join- A.A., tell him you have noth- ing. ing to say, but always say (11) If the group calls attention to I Am Thankful plenty after the meeting. abuses of your own, get mad and resign. (5) Do nothing more than is necessary, but when other mem- 1 om thankful a be frec from the undefined fears with which I traveled, but bers roll up their sleeves and I am more thankful to walk in the shadow of known feara today. give willingly and unselfishly of their time to help matters I am thankful to be released from spiteful envy of the talents of others, but along, howl that the group is 1 am more thankful to be desirous of even meagerly emulating those virtues. run by a clique. ) am thankful to lose my cankerous and cantankerous jealousy of the gihr (6) Squawk about the board of of others, but directors, but never allow 1 am more thankful to gain a free and glowing appreciation of those gifts.

September 1949

Another type could be labeled A nice motive, but one that runs “the doctor.” Preoccupied by the roughshod over the fact that most disease aspect of alcoholism and alcoholics, in their first timid approbably being a hypochondriac proach to AA, are usually God-shy. Missteps himself, he “treats” his Twelfth Step cases as if they were clinical pa- Maybe they’re not atheists or even agnostics, but they’re likely to have a I tients. We’ve known some who deeply ingrained aversion t o being think nothing of handing out pills preached at. on the Twelfth Step when their “patients” have trouble We have deliberately overdrawn sleeping. these types so as to create a sharp Then there are our “thirty-day contrast with the humble spirit of the psychiatrists.” They explain to the Twelfth Step-the simple picture of is typical. Let’s not quibble! This in- newcomer just how an alcoholic gets one drunk sitting down with another stance is no isolated case of a “spoil- that way, and they do it with an ease to bring him the one thing no one ed sponsor.” The Twelfth Stepis a that must have Freud spinning in his else can-understanding! beautiful thing when it is performed grave. In many instances, they make In its finest form, the Twelfth Step with complete humility and compas- AA sound so complicated that the is impersonal. Each new call for help sion by any AA who understands poor drunk, already confused, runs is a fresh opportunity to give of ourthat he has been given another op- screaming back to the bottle! selves-a workout to exercise and portunity to help and to serve. It is Then there are those who “play strengthen our own ability to grow. not so pretty when he sits in judg- God.” Self-aggrandizement is what Naturally, we hope with all our ment. Too many of us, perhaps, are they’re really seeking, not help for hearts that the poor guy we’re talkconcerned with running up a big the other guy. Consciously or un- ing to will get sober and start living. But if he doesn’t . .. A LETTER TO the AA Grapevine began, “I’ve just had a slip, after only three weeks in AA. It was “score,” forgetting that we are dealing with human lives, not playing some game to see how many people consciously, they get so overcome by their own good works that pretty soon they believe their efforts alone well, strictly speaking, that’s his business, not ours. It calls for no holier-than-thou only a one-night stand, but I was we can “sober up.” Surely, we’ve are sobering people up. One man lecture. It may call for a more scared, scared I couldn’t stop. So I learned by now that the only people took himself so seriously that he thorough searching of our souls t o called my sponsor to talk it over. He we sober up, or will ever sober up, couldn’t find time to get a job and see what more we can give-a further came, all right, but we didn’t talk. are ourselves. support his rather large family. He chance for us to become still bigger He lectured! Demanded to know None of us is perfect, but on the honestly thought so many, people persons, and better ones. why I hadn’t remembered the things Twelfth Step some of us really go were depending on him for their If, on the other hand, our man he had taught me, why I did this, haywire. The more obvious misusers sobriety that he couldn’t be spared does “get the program,” it is for us why I didn’t do that, etc. It sounded of the privilege of helping the other for such base, mundane matters as to be humbly grateful, not smug. Its just like before AA. Why, why, fellow fall into certain easy-to- earning a living. Charity still begins value to us is lost if we take any part why? Gosh, those were the things 1 recognize categories. The lecturing at home! of the credit. Our reward is in seeing, had hoped he could tell me! If sponsor is the “judge and jury” Comes now “the preacher, the a t first hand, the miracle happening another AA hadn’t got hold of me type. He sits above his “baby,” who saver of souls.” Having had his own all over again-the renewal of our that same day, I don’t think I would is treated like a prisoner at the bar. “spiritual experience,” he feels own faith in the miracle of our own have come back to the group.” He hands down decisions from on duty-bound to share his knowledge sobriety! He wants to know if that sponsor high, out of his infinite wisdom. with the world, by force if necessary. Anonymous

November 1949

What’s a Good Reason?

From Detroit, Mich.

WHAT’S the best reason to give when refusing a drink? Probably the particular excuse used is secondary in importance to It’s a common question, especially the fact that it is an excuse. If the for the newcomer. excuse used is a fabrication, this in When it’s a new experience to re- itself is inconsistent with A.A. befuse a drink where others are drink- cause it is 4 form of dishonesty. ing, the new non-drinker is likely to No one has to blat his whole life feel quite self-conscious about it and history, or disclose his membership to think he must give an explanation. in A.A. to decline a drink. If he As time goes on, the self-conscious- feels he must offer some explananess fades, of course, especially af- tion, he can say: I’m not drinking ter the non-drinker discovers that today. Or, I decided to bee if I other people are much less concerned could get along without it. Or, I . about his refusing a drink than he feel better when I don’t drink. is, just so long as they get theirs. Any one of such simple statements In the meantime, however, what to is usually sufficient. Rarely does the say? Should it be–I’m on the situation actually become embarrasswagon. It doesn’t agree with me. I ing, except in the degree of embarhad too much last night. I have a rassment that the non-drinker himbad liver. Or what? self generates.4.C.

December 1949

Heed is go back to where the cable parted and splice solidly to the time to attendance of meetings, doing 12th Step work, and participart that stood the strain. pating in the generally available social activity of ones group is a hazardous procedure. Without fear

The Warning! M Y principal regret, and I t h i n k I’m entitled to one, is that this situation could have been so simply of contradiction I state that it is never safe for a member to curtail averted by continuing to attend his participation entirely. meetings regularly. Oh, yes, I said It is far from my intent to make I wouldn’t cry on your shoulder, of this a tear-jerker, and it is not a prison returnee’s plea didn’t I ? motivated by a preponderance of . Here I think it appropriate to re- self-pity; the simple fact i s that cognize the consideration extended had I not permitted my thinking to by the California Prison Adminis- become twisted to the extent that P ROBABLY the most abrupt realization that the oft-repeated warning to attend meetings faith- I knew all there was to know abour it, that attending meetings became unimportant. It was a very simple tration to prisoners seeking to find a new way of living through AA. 1 devaluated A A ‘ s importance in my life, I most certainly would not , fully cannot be taken lightly comes matter to shirk the responsibility We are visited by an outside group have traded a happy, carefree life to men returning to prison. It is of a 12th Step call. To make a long each week, and you may believe for the relative nonentity of being the writer’s hope that such will story short, I’ll omit the monoto- it, these meetings are enthusias- just another number in a sea of never be your experience. Men who nous details and take you with me tically anticipated by all. Several them. After more than two years of havethad AA experience, either in to the wedding reception where I groups contribute their time and uninterrupted sobriety in the San prison or out, or some of both, and knew perfectly well that ”I can energy to make, in many cases, Diego area, I stubbed my toe, but who fail on parole or come back take a little–and then leave it the long drive here. Often it i s good. Be that as it may, I am not with new commitments, have con- alone.” My halo had been pinching with perceptible display of relief discouraged. siderable advantage over men who hell out of me for a considerable that some speaker refers to his A M starting anew with the 1st have failed for the same reason, but who are seemingly unwilling to admit it. The A A “returnee” has time anyway. It is the simplest of matters to stay out of bars these days, however, for this little gem near-eligibility to having been one of us. A. A. Crapevines provided by several of these generous groups I Step, and with the help of 01’ Buddy, I’ll make it next time. If had forcibly hammered home again of illiteracy is originating from what are a source of information and this sincere disclosure of what, that he i s powerless over alcohol. Winchell recently tabbed, “the entertainment to agrowing member- more than any other factor, caused His ego is unmercifully wounded, luxury of a n American prison.” ship here. me to fail to make the grade helps yet on the asset side he has a kit just one member to realign his thinking and gives him impetus to of tools before him to begin immediately the process of rebuilding his life. The 12 Steps are ever C RY on your shoulder I will not; there i s not a single resentment toward anyone. I’m convinced W HOMEVER you may be, wher ever you may be–if there i s one unvariable dictate in A A itis: clear the everimminent obstacle, I will be well compensated for setat arm’s reach. that everything happens for the Failure to apportion unreservedly ting it down.–Your Pen Pal, h l – My own particular case is not best, and the path I had so un- a regular, reasonable amount of som Prison, Kepresa, Cali/. unlike dozens, perhaps hundreds, wisely started down could certainly of others. It was not until I thought have led to a more grave situation. A disgruntled A A is a man who has taken moral inventory of himself I had thoroughly mastered AA, that A s it appears now, all I have to do and got sore about it.–The Alunon News, Newark, N.I.

December 1949

& ” 1 So you have been coming to A A 4 Warn your family and relatives So you have been coming to A A for awhile and you are thinking (and be sure to insist that you are for awhile and you are thinking about taking *’just one little sorry) to be prepared for any or about taking “just one little drink”? You have (sad to say) all of the following: abuse, inju- drink”? You have (sad to say) heard somebody talk about “just ries, hunger, poverty, private heard somebody talk about “just a little slip.” So maybe you’ll shame and public mortification, a little slip.” So maybe you’ll just “take a little one.” assorted misery, degradation, de- just “take a little one.” Also, you can further cooperate lerium tremens and death. Here i s a better plan: in your own funeral as follows: (If some of these miss your I Check i n at A A again–drink- , loved ones, no thanks to you. You less. I Let A A know your personal pteinvited the full works for them 2Ask some of the “old-timers in ference in undertakers ahd cemewhen you took the first “little 0ne.Y A A how many “another little slips” taries; also your taste in coffin models and floral designs; like- they have helped bury or seen carted I I wise, tombstone inscription, if 5Tell the boss you are going off away for permanent confinement. any. (Unless you give us this in- on another big drunk. (That will 3Check in with God, in your own formation, we will have to use not jeopardize your job any more form and fashion–but still drinkour own judgment, which might than the usual lying about it later.) less. differ from yours. So, let us have 4 A s k yourself the ugly question, your advice while you are still and check list above ground to give it.) 6 Notify your favorite cop or police station that, again, you are transand answer it honestly, whether you are using “a little slip” as forming yourself into a sodden, just another alcoholic excuse for 2 Leave a list of prospects we driveling fool; an obscene, danger- getting drunk again, because you might put the bite on for the cost want to do some more drinking ous maniac; a helpless, stupid of burying you. (We can pass the more than you want to get on the wreck, or a quivering combination hat promiscuously to one and all, AA Program. of them all. of course, but maybe there are some old and long-suffering pals (And be careful to tell them not 5 Now, having faced yourself, check in again with AA, and you ought to gouge again–for to call AA. Explain to them that (more important) with God. the last time.) since you are not, yoursel/, going to call on A A he/ore you take 6 G o to work on the 12 Steps. All 3 Tell everybody you know–and your “one little drink,” they of them. Honestly. tell a few total strangers, too– cannot change the score by call- And you will not take that first that you apologize for the insults ing A A about you, a l ~ e r you “little one.” You will not go on you are going to give them. are already drunk.) a drunk!–/’./)., Washington, /LC.

January 1950

‘ SIX ‘ Having ,trouble saying, “No,,’ to a proffered drink? Does a murmured, , “No, thank you,’* bring a lot of ledge t o set it on. You’ll be SUP prised a t how quickly it will be “Listen, Mac! As a drinker you are only an amateur. Me–I’ve graduated.’, (And here you can i o appropriated by some thirstier WAYS unwelcome attention to your sobriety? Do explanations embarrass brother who will obligingly leave h i s empty glass in exchange. If into your story, embellishing, if need be, some of the more lurid you? Better brush up on your tech- this i s your first such party since details.) TO nique. There are several ways of turning down the convivial cup drying out,you may be a little hurt to realize that nobody in the room 8 without getting involved in a re- gives a damn whether you are By this time he’ll begin to feel REFUSE sume of your personal habits. More and more AA members I drinking or not. a little shaky and you can close with an implied threat. “Now if I know use the blunt approach. “I’m did decide to take a drink with A DRINK an alcoholic. Can’t touch the stuff.” This i s a conversation A real toughie i s the chance meeting with heavy drinkers where you, you can forget about the glass and just hand over the bottle. If stopper if there ever was one. It your own ability to be a man among there are any more bottles around the house, bring them in too. When can lead to: (a.) Those around you ‘leave you strictly alone, a s they men may have a bearing on a pending business deal or sale. “I had . we’ve polished those off. ,” would a leper, or, (b.) They crowd a rough night, s o 1’11 just coast if around with their own symptoms you don’t mind,” will usually do If he hasn’t already gulped the and doubts and’give you an o p p o r the trick. Because of their own drink intended for you, don’t worry, tunity to do some 12th Step work. experience, they can understand he will, and he’ll probably try to Just a s honest, and a little l e s s that, or a similar appeal, and will hide the bottle too. You’ve conharsh, i s the equally effective, accept it without thinking. vinced him where ic hurts by eeSorry, Ism allergic t o the stuff, threatening his own supply and but you go right ahead.” Those the quicker he gets rid of you, the who know nothing about AA p r o b At least once, every AA runs up safer he will feel. ably have a few allergies of their against the ruthlessly insistent own, certain foods make them host. Usually half in the bag himbreak out, s o they nod wisely and self, your refusal t o drink i s an Well, there are other ways, but let i t pass. Others may want to insult to him, h i s wife, his hos- the important thing to realize i s discuss the subject, but you haven’t pitality, h i s a h a mater, or any- that it i s possible to say “NO*’ committed yourself and can say a s thing e l s e that comes to mind. without causing the roof to fall in. being a not too much or little a s the situation dictates. There i s no use telling him that you are alcoholic. He won’t u n d e r It i s easier sometimes if you can anticipate a situation and have an

serious discussion of what to say when offered I Then there are the many occasions when it isn’t necessary to say anything. These include weddings, office parties, and other forms of mass inebriation. Take the offered g l a s s and walk around stand what you are talking about anyway. You might a s well let your hair down and give it to him straight from the shoulder, something like this: answer ready, but if you are caught short without one, it i s better to admit that you are an alcoholic, no matter who you are with, than take a drink and prove it.

with it until you find a convenient

March 1950

no1 work for me. no thin^ e l s e had brother that way, but still couldn’t wash himself in a certain river and before. s e e why the phone should work, hc would be OK. ‘This made Naaa Some of the men 1 met there told me enough of*their troubles for me you, not knowing anything about electricity or anything like that. man very angry, because he didn’t believe it and thought the man w a s letter to see that they had been just a s bad a s I had been, and as they had Would you s a y you wouldn’t try it any more just because you couldn’t trying t o make a fool of him by telling him such a simple thing. So he would not give i t a try and to stopped drinking, I decided I would give it a real hard try too, and folunderstand it? I dimly remembered a story in went away in a rage. Rut Naaman’s servant s a i d t o low the directions they gave me the Bible, which seemed t o remind. harry just t o s e e if it would work. Thgt didn’t take any faith, did it? me of a new guy coming into AA, s o I looked it up t o s e e if it did fit him, “Do what he says. if he had told you t o d o something difficult, About t h e hardest thing they the case. (I had an awful job find- you would have tried it, s o why asked me t o d o w a s t o a s k for help ing it, but I did, and made a note not try this e a s y thing?” Dear Harry, from a Power greater than myself, of it s o I could find it again. It’s S o Naaman thought it w a s silly, I know how you get your nick- which really means saying a kind in the second book of Kings, Chap- and certainly didn’t believe i n it, name, “hardboiled,” and you come of a small prayer, you know, and it ter Five. and to h i s surprise found that it rightly by it. It i s not just “be- seemed awful silly t o me, but I worked, and , h e was cured. And c a u s e you think you are tough,” had s a i d I would d o what they told HE story, which i s a pretty that was a miracle. as t h e man told you a t the meeting me, so I had a g o a t that too. I p o d one, tells of a man who Now, Harry, that man Naaman t h e ocher night, it i s because you g u e s s it didn’t make’ much s e n s e had leprosy, which i s no doubt one didn’t have any more faith that t h e really are tough. Why shouldn’t you a t the ocher end, coming from me. of the worst kinds of disease, and thing w a s going t o work than you b e ? T h e life you have led for t h e I hadn’t tried anything like that for was incurable. His name was Naa- or I did that AA would work for us. l a s t t e n y e a r s h a s been n o s i s s y a s long as I could remember, and man, and he w a s a very big shot, Rut it did work for Naaman, business. maybe you haven’t either. only the fact that he w a s a leper without faith, and AA d o e s work Well, you t e l l me that the thing put him right behind the eight ball. for us. that floored you t h e other night w a s t h e idea that you have t o have S meOMETHING started t o work for then, making it e a s i e r t o He heard of a man who could work miracles, s o he went to try Now we may feel our alcoholism is incurable, gnd we may feel that “faith” t o make t h e AA Program keep off the whisky, and I think it him qut, a s he knew only a miracle what AA t e l l s u s to d o i s not work. Look Harry, if you went t o a w a s that, although I didn’t r e a l i z e could fix h i s trouble. (That w a s going t o help us, and maybe it’s doctor with a pain in your stomach it at the time. just the way I felt about boozing.) silly, but remember the telephone and he s a i d he could only cure it J u s t look a t it t h i s way, Harry. T h e prophet, for that’s what he and remember Naaman, and for if you had faith in him, you would Suppose you had never s e e n a tele- was, told Naaman he would cure your own sake, give it a try. That think h e w a s a pretty bad doctor, phone before and a guy told you him if h e followed h i s simple i s the way it worked for me. wouldn’t you? So would 1. S o why tfiat you could talk t o your brother directions. He told him t o go and -A. H. B., Bermuda should I try t o t e l l you t h e s a m e who w a s t e n miles away by using thing about stopping boozing? It t h e phone. doesn’t make sense. You probably wouldn’t believe it, but if you did a s h e told you HEN I first went t o a n AA and tried it, you would find it Wmeeting, t h e only kind of faith would work. Ifound it just like that. I had w a s that I felt sure i t would Su?pose you spoke to your

March 1950

OU couldn’t help liking him – –quiet, shy, neatly dressed, YOU MAY eager to be helpful, and so, s o anxious to maintain his sobriety. That was during the months he was sober–but every so often receive from AA only what you of His will fa us, convinced of his deeply rooted, fundamental put into it.” Look at our efforts our ability to do His work without problem once _again swept over him, and off he would go. U’e knew TO PLAY and labor of the past month. What were we receiving in return? Nosufficient prayer and meditation. True, we had been practicing the his periods of uncontrolled drink- thing–less than nothing–dis- 12th Step, but again without due ing were merely symptomatic of appointment, disillusionment, sad- and proper consideration. that fierce trouble he still could not face–we thought we under- GOD ness. No, we didn’t take a drink but for an hour or two we suffered Certainly we had forgotten Easy noes It–here we were rushing & stood–and we sympathized, anx- I mental torture. into a mental turmoil of selfiously and ,sincerely and far, far good and all–and we had doneitf 1 Gradually we began to see our recrimination. And where was Keep too much for our own good. Totally forgetful of the dangerous errors in retrospect. That evening It Simple? Surely we were unwise So we reached a decision. This path we were treading, we un- we attended a meeting and asked to become s o embroiled in antime we would really give him the consciously began preening our- for help, and received it in gen- other’s troubles and difficulties. help he needed, not just for a day selves, patting ourselves on the erous measure from those far wiser Gone by the boards was that prinor two but over a period of time back with smug satisfaction, glow- I than ourselves. Later that night ciple that we thought we had sufficient for him to gain the COW- ing with false pride at the mag- we put the 10th Step to long and learned–that the AA Program is age and strength and knowledge of nificent thing we were certain we good use, emerging with an amaz- a selfish one–our first concern himself s o vital for his own re- had accomplished. ingly lengthy list of faults– must be with our own sobriety and habilitation. Hospitalization was faults which we now hope to avoid peace of mind. Perhaps, too, we necessary, and after that he came home with us for a few nights. W HEN the blow fell. The telephone call, the explanations, the remorse, the noises of the barat those future times when we again try to help our fellow man. had forgotten the 7th Step-in our concern over our friend we had no Soon a job turned up. No questions It was plain to us that we had longer been humbly asking God to were asked of the past, and he room coming over the wire, the forgotten the A A Prayer. We had remove our awn shortcomings. found a room well removed from stumbling, senseless alibis, and ‘ not had the wisdom to know the Most of all we found, to our surhis former haunts and the temp- finally the terrible, insane insults. difference between things we could prise and dismay, that we had un- I tations of his old drinking com- We hung up the receiver, our hand change and things we could not, wittingly been trying to play God. nions. He came to meetings trembling and tears in our eyes, nor the serenity to accept the We had failed to remember that cry night, sitting quietly and and the inevitable reaction set in. latter. Instead we had plunged whatever good we may do in AA i s attentively at the back of the room He had broken our h~arts–that blindly ahead, certain that we but the fruition of God’s will for and politely declining if asked to old, trite expression, but at the could, accomplish our avowed goal. us, and that if we are factunate speak. He helped with the coffee, moment we felt the fierce truth of We had totally overlooked the se- enough to be privileged to help and cleaned up afterwards. the words–our house of cards had cond part of the 11th Step, sure someone, we are but acting a s His Oh, everything was beautiful, tumbled about our heads, what was that we were doing right and for- ins&ents on earth.–Anonyand our own happiness knew no the use of going on? There was no getting to ask God for knowledge mous, Prouidence, R. I. bounds. We had turned the trick, truth in AA. All that we had heard this time he would stay sober for at meetings was but a sham. ”YOU C

March 1950

– — – – – – — – . -sonally, the absence of drink has henefits they did receive. If they —can’t put my ceased to be a privation or hardship. I associate constantly with did expect too much, did we oversell them or permit them to oversell \ drinking friends. I loaf in bars themselves on what AA had to offer finger I and clubs and serve liquor at home. I do not drink and my friends them? A A is not a cure-all. A A cannot promise happiness to all do not expect or want me to drink. –it can and will stan us off with / on the key— 1 do not crave a drink and it would a good foundation–but we must not add one iota to my own pleas- finish the job ourselves. ‘ ure, or that of my friends. There- All A A can possitily do is to for I deserve no credit whatever give us an opportunity to get and ‘ for 5doing without something I do stay sober–plus some kindred not wdnt or need. AA of course is spirits to work with from there. It

I OUGHT to know a lot about AA–but I don’t. I have seen others we were sure of will quit after a few short months? These responsible for this condition. I did not feel this way the first year. does not guarantee to make us a financial wizard or a popular hero, it work successfully on 200 dif- failures had the desire to join, and I know a successful AA member or cure the piles or a golf slice, ferent drunks, regardless of age, they demonstrated they could stad who prays only that he will want or improve our luck at gin rummy. sex, color, creed, contour or bank sober–yet they didn’t. Why? were to stay sober, because he knows People who never drank have account. I don’t know what makes they disappointed in sobriety? Did AA will keep him sober–if he their share of troubles too. Why it “click” with such regularity. I they expect too much? Did we pro- wants it to. This is why I lay should we expect to have all our still can’t put my finger on the mise them too much? Or what? so much stress on the happiness troubles removed the first year, “key” phase, or thought or act, htaybe the job has two distinct angle. If we can keep the tangible just because we quit drinking? If that changes us from wet to dry. parts–one to get sobriety–and and visible benefits before us at that were logical or assured, every- The 200 members and dozen clubs the second to enjoy it enough to all times, we will have more re- one would become a drunkard– I know each have a pet and dif- maintain it. 1 sistance if tempted. just so he could reform. ferent high spot in the Program A good memory i s especially Most of these conclusions, acthat appeals to them. They will even argue to defend their pet I HAVEN7 set the world af’ire financially or intellectually, important to an alcoholic. We must constantly remember where we cumulated through nearly fiye years in AA, were learned the hard way. solution. Each new meeting leader with my newly found sobriety. ,In were before AA, where we are nour If you have not been through that brings out a new angle that did some ways I am worse off than and where we might have been disappointed, abused, self-pity the job for him. Even if it works before. However, this does not with no help at all. If we can re- stage, you probably have it before only tor him, it i s justified and mean that fate has dealt me a low member nll of our troubles without you. With some of us, it i s not a sufficient. Therefore, the only blow, or that A A i s a failure. It remembering some of the benefits, passing stage but a chronic conreal conclusion I can reach, is merely proves that we can’t have then something is radically wrong. dition. My purpose i s to help you *that A A wili work somehotv for everything our own way–either Maybe we should strive to improve recognize the symptoms and give anybody who will let it. drunk or sober. We can’t all be our memory a s well a s our character. you some ammunition to fight it. If all this i s true, why do we brilliant and beautiful and rich and The failures I know have failed If we can stay sober a month, have slips r\nd complete failures? famous. If we could, there wouldn’t to find whatever they sought. we can do it for a lifetime–if we Why do the people we least expect be anybody left to admire us. Either they expected too much and want to. But we must find and rebecome permanent members, while So far a s I am concerned per- were disappointed, or they did not member the reasons why we want r recognize or iemember the tangible to.–Anonymous, Vincennes, Ind. –

A letter constant association with the an- will have it built. n u t you will find swers for sobriety. I do not mean the one piece missing–Jim will to J i m – that the First Stepalone is the en- be missing. tire answer to provide a better, I have always liked the theme happier, sober existence. n u t there that Dan hammered at me, and that is no other way to work on your- is that one has to see bothpictures, self through the Program unless you the picture of himself drunk and are willing toacceyt the First Step the picture of himself sober. U he in its entirety. This is your fist likes the one of himself sober, stay consideration. You must again open sober. If he likes the one of himthe primer and study your lessons self drunk, go ahead and stay drunk. with a view to learning theni–not The only thing is, that if it’s the just to pass the time or to ease latter one you like, you are going

Still Seeking theHard Way some temporary pain. You know, that we in AA are striving hard to to be a strict minority of one, and that’s a rather lonesome existence. refute a long, time-honored prin- But it’s just a s simple a s that. EAR Jim: ciple established, I think, by the If you ever decide to take the D Your note came yesterday and my reaction–even after sleepyour method for maintaining sobri- legal profession and that i s “That the only way one can judge what First Step there are no set of circumstances extant to make you ety, you had better go back and ing on it–is one of terrific dis- study the, First Step. That is the one will do in the future is by take a drink. Things, a s we say, appointment. You see, I had fin- one,properly taken, that absolute- what he has done in the past.” never get that bad. The business ally built up some faith in what ly precludes the possibility of It’s only natural to expect that you of taking up with old John Barleyyou had been doing. taking a drink. When the stark fact are “back at work this Wednesday corn because of family arguments, Of course, it still boils down to finally sinks in that we are power- . morning. .forgiven by everyone.” financial straits or just plain social temptation is definitely stuff for the fact that you haven’t yet taken less over alcohol, and we continue We have learned down through the the First Step in the Program. I had to drink, it is almost proof abso- years how to put on the front of the birds. That’s for people who hoped that you had. A s with most lute that we are lacking in common contriteness, humbleness and I- thrive on trouble. If one is able to of the effectiveness in A A the sim- intelligence or analytical power. made-a-mistake-I’m-sorry attitude. forget the feeling of utter hopelessple, obvious, oft-repeated state- From childhood up you don’t go In your case, you’re a past master ness and absolute despair that has ments are those requiring the most around laying your hand on hot at that art because in some way surrounded him a thousand times thought and practice in the final stoves–you are not immune to you can project your sober person- he must be impervious to reason. analysis, and those are the very heat, and you learned that at about ality–which i s one of the best– However, despite my reaction to ones that seem to insult our in- one year of ape. It has to dawn on into the situation and the play on your “fall from gate” you cantelligence by being so simple that you that the same applies to alco- human characteristic of forgiveness not–if you are at all sincere-we don’t devote the time and effort hol and when this knowledge is is tremendous. But don’t count on give up trying. You must come back to them–still seeking the hard, retained you simply leave it alone its effectiveness the rest of your and come back and come back. This , complicated formula for sobriety. a s you must. When do you think life. This instant you are simply letter i s not something I just dream- In spiteof the analysis you must you are going to learn that? beginning the jig-saw puzzle deal up a s Farm 17-&-this is exactly have made of yourself, your cir- You have kicked AA around for you built of Asheville, Vashington, the way I feel about it–if you cumstances, your temperament and a couple of years now–in almost Jacksonville, Charleston and var- don’t believe me, ask me. -E.W.D., ious other cities, and directly you Asheville, North Corolina

September 1950 sions? Well, we are only human and AS SOON as ycople hear that a person ha5 lwcome associated w i t h A A they assume that all will as such wevisualize events, circumstances and situations in the be clear sailing. Those who have light of how they affect us. Perrelapses, or “slips,” are consider- haps not in their true perspective, ed t o be weak-willed, will never but nevertheless as we choose to make the grade, and are therefore view them. Our ability to see things not worth the bother. ‘This is far in their true proportions is usually from the case. A large percentage the immediatecause of the tension of those who have relapses make which in turn leads to the slir. the grade on the second or third Somewhere we have gotten off the ‘

try.To say thatone who slips isof beam. When we feel t h i s is the necessity a moral weakling is to case, we would do well to reanviolate our initial premise that al- alyze ourselves – review our recoholism is a disease. To carry covery program. It is not something this fallacious line of reasoning to we can just memorize. It is someits logical conclusion you would thing we must live. The further we have to hold that a person who project these principles into our has a second attack of pneumonia daily lives the easier it is going to or pleurisy is morally responsible be for us to divorce ourselves from for his condition. In any numher of the compulsive nature of our illnesses, relapses are anticipated disease. in ;1 given percentage of cases. Emotional tension is the result Those who have made a study of one or more of the following of the problem of alcoholism feel stimuli, namely; fear frustration that there are three predominant resentment and/or remorse. The reasons for slips: Mental reserva- presence of any oneor combination t ions, physical depressions and of these mental attitudes is a clefiemotional tension. nite warning signal to the alcohol- For those who are well along ic. To ignore them is to court disin their recovery program emotional aster. The collective reaction to tension is probably, in my opinion, these upsets is worry, which is the greatest cause of slips. After the most common form of emotional a person has progressed to the tension. point where he no longer has men- Two courses of action are open tal reservations and has conquered to the alcoholic who feels tension the initial physical craving for al- mounting within himself. These cohol there still remains this one can be roughly classified as “achurdle to be negotiated for the suc- tion without” and “action within.” cessful arrestment of our disease. A number of the suggested remedies Why are we subject to these ten- are a combination of both. Which

remedial pill to take on any given . we will make greater use of those A s the i n i t ial step toward ccc.tion causes the trouble, hut allowing occasion will vary directly w i t h instruments placed at our disposal. tcidtin, we shoul~lrevicw our sug- any situation to so distort our the circumstances surrounding the Our first concern when we get emo- gested recovery program. llave we thinking that it gives rise to emosituation giving rise to the tension. tionally woundup i s to find some gone astray from the prinrirles, tional unbalance. In general, any action that has way to ease the tension. What can either expressly or by implicat ion? In accordance with this line of a tendency to get us away from we do? Action without. Direct ac- liave we been practicing these reasoning, we should accept the ourselves, so to speak, will prove tion in the form of: principles? The periodic takins of the fact that many events occur beneficial. A s active alcoholics Attenclina an A A nreetinq. a personal inventory is one of the and circumstances arise over which we were prone to be extremely self- Telephoning or visrting another best ways to check our thinking. we have no control and no amount centered. Continuation of an ego- A A member. ltntionalization is a product of our of wishful thinking is going to centric attitude, together with its Finding a Truel[th-Step case t o .dcohol ic thinking. If our thinking change them one iota.Nor is “tyconcomitant feeling of self-pity, itpork on. is straight we will not he plagued ing-one-on” going to improve the will inevitably lead the alcoholic 7’diing some form of physical by the four horsemen of alcoholism: situation one bit. When things Ret into a relapse. The importance of exercise, p e f e r a b l y one re- {car, / r u s ~ r a t i o n , resmtrrrcvrt and too much for us, it is often well to extruding one’s personality cannot quiring some mental concen- renrorse. If we recognize the pres- ponder upon the six points of our be overemphasised. A A and its tration. ence of one or more of these dis- suggested recovery program relatphilosophy are readily available Losing oneself i n some r e l u t – turbing elements we iue in a better ing to the Power greater than ourmedia through which the alcoholic d o n thut toill Jitwrt the mind position to ward oif its ravages. selves. Perhaps the ancients had can express himself. The airls and [rom the problem givinf: r i s e There is a classic saying that, something when they placed things tools available to members of A A t o the tension. “You can’t f i ~ h twhat you can’t in the “laps of the gods.” If we can g o a long way toward relieving These courses of action may or see.” While literally you cannot have gotten far enough away from tension caused by emotional upsets. may not give permanent relief. see emotional tension, you can rec- our egoism to recognize that the To put it bluntly, in my opinion, Should they fail to do more than ognize it for what i t is andas such workings of the universe are conwe take ourselves too seriously. afford temporary alleviation they create a defense against it. After trolled by some Power other than Emotional tension like physical will still have served their purpose determining its true nature, you ourselves we’ will be on the right exhaustion can, in a large number at least carried one through the can ask yourself one question; path toward seeing our problems in of cases, be ascribed toour attempt immediate crisis. Where permanent “Can I do something about the true their proper perspective. . to crowd three days into one. To relief has not been obtained, then cause of t h i s upset?” Obviously, Action within can best be sumquote from our literature: “It is not action toithin is called for. This there is only one of two answers: marized by our prayer -the experience of today that drives type of therapy i s usually possible yes or no. If something can be men mad – it is remorse or bitter- only where time i s not of the es- done – do it and quit worrying God grant me t h e serenity ness for something which happened sence. If you are about to “blow about it. If nothing can be done – T o accept things I cannot change yesterday and the dread of what your top” use direct action by all accept it and quit worrying ahout Courage t o change things I can tomorrow may bring.”The philoso- means. This will tide you over un- it. The truth of the matter is, that And wisdom t o know the diflerence. phies of the ages are replete with til such time as you can more ob- it is not the existence or non-exisadmonitions, pleading for man to jectively reflect upon the basic tence of a given situation that -4’C., Manhattan Croup concern himself only with the cause of your emotional disturbance. things at hand and not with the Even where you feel that the tension dim past or the distant future. has definitely passed, it is a sound If we recognize our inability to idea to do some introspective analmaintain our sobriety on our own, ysis to prevent a recurrence.

June 1951

don’t mind sayins. We damn him, sible. Some of u s will be faster – YOUR SLIP’S poor chap, bell, book and candle. I know a fellow who was two years in A A and a good member recovering than others some of us will be slower. Is that a reason why those who are not getting bet- SHOWING he was too. Worked at it. Did a lot of good. Was ever ready to help. ter without any trouble should be looking down on others who aren’t Then – bing – he collapsed. He doing so well? got drunk. Well, you’d have thought I don’t know what your idea i s he intended it a s a personal insult about the purpose of group meetto each and every one of us. You ings, but to nie they are clinics. . never saw a fellow get such a I go there to recover and to help rough moral going-over at the hands others recover if I can. I don’t of his fellow alcoholics. want to be judged morally because . L ET’S talk a while about this matter of slippers. It’s one that seems to be always causing I wonder if we’d have been a s hard on say, a TB case because I am a sick man and I’ll try not to judge my fellow alcoholics morally concern in AA and yet there’s no the doctor had found a new spot on his lung? Or a man sick with a because they are sick men. Instead of the moral point of reason, really, for all the tragedy. Oh I know it’s disappointing to cancer because his sickness had view I take the clinical point of see a fellow or a girl you’ve come attacked another vital organ?Or a view. It is one of the things in AA to know, and like, suddenly going diabetic because he’d gone off his that is helping me to get betteroff the deep end. Maybe you’ve diet and taken some chocolate bars. to recover from my particular sick* been meeting him at meetings – U But anyway this friend in AA, And yet an alcoholic i s a sick man or had you forgotten? ness which is alcoholism. Perhaps if you gave it a try it may be looking forward to seeing him there for whom we were hoping s o much, – talking to him growing to understand him. And then – all of a has had a slip – and what’s our reaction to it a s it i s so often the We can’t all be showing the same degree of progress – it’s imposof some help to you too. — C. C., Montreal, Quebec. sudden you miss him. He doesn’t reaction of people who haven’t had come to the meetings any more. a slip in AA? Isn’t it a fact that He’s been drinking again, you we’re apt to look down on him hear. He’s had a slip. even to condem him completely? Of course it mayn’t occur to you Oh we don’t always come out with – a s it didn’t always occur to me- it in s o many words, but deep down that perhaps you’ve been overlook- in our hearts isn’t it what we’re ing one very essential factor in AA: thinking? that we’re all liable, any one of Of course if he i s new or comus, t o go off the deep end at any paratively new in AA we’ll excuse time if we don’t watch out. And him. We’ll say that this is the bender that will do the trick. We’ll say s o perhaps we musn’t take ourselves and one another – too much for granted. We’re all of us, he has yet to reach his low bottom. But if he happens to be an older as we must always keep in mind, member -one we’ve seen a lot of well we’re hard on him. And we v a y vulnerable.

JULY 1951

failure. ested in getting back into the Pro- Those of us who reason that way gram and making a success of it i I … if it can be called “reasoning” at all.. .simply make things toughthis time. It follows strict A A principles er for ourselves by prolonging our in every respect. Its membership i s suffering; and it was to cope with composed exclusively of men and the problem that these people pre- women who have had trouble with sent that the Rebound Group of the Program, and all of the speak- New York was formed last February. ers at its meetings are members of The Group, meets weekly at New the group or are eligible for mem- York’s Alanon House at 353 West ship by virtue of their own diffi- 46th Street under the leadership of culties. Although it hasno meeting Tom of the Manhattan Group. Meet- place of its own, it i s growing s o ings, which are attended by 30 to rapidly by word-of-mouth that it i s 35 members, follow the general not unlikely that it soon will have, 1 plan of the regular opendiscussion or that sectional branches will meetings of AA. A single speaker have to be formed to provide for i s selected to lead, and after he all of the needs of AA members in has told his s t a y the meeting is the Metropolitan area. thrown open to the discussion of Just a s in AA itself, it i s possible to form a Rebound Group in . specific individual problems. In the few short weeks that the any area where two or more AAs

GROUP group has been operating in New York, it i s estimated that more are having difficulty with the Program. The success of the first Rebound venture in the Midwest and than 300 alcoholics have been of us come into AA with “processed” through it. “Process- of other groups in widely scattered M Othe … S Tbest intentions in the world with a deep loathing for the ed” is used here advisedly.. for the Rebound Group i s not a per- . sections of the country, seems to point to the fact that there i s a kind of life we have been leading manent organization in the otdi- need for this organizatibn that i s and with the quiet determination to nary sense, Its primary purpose i s second only to the need for AA do something about it … and to keepon doing it,one day at a time, to attract faltering AAs and, after straightening out the difficulties itself. If you are interested in forming for the rest of our lives if that is they are having with the Program, a Rebound Group of your own and possible. to return them to their own groups feel that you need any more infot- Some of us are able to stay with with a clearer understanding of mation, Tom will be glad to answet

/ that program indefinitely. Others have occasional trouble. And when we do, many of us think that the only thing to do i s to cut off all where their difficulty lies and what they can do to overcome it. The Rebound Group i s not interested in how often you have “slipyour letters. Address:

Tom S. % Rebound Group association ,with AA and avoid a deepening sense of shame at our . ed”. or how badly. It is interested only in the fact that you are inter- 353 West 46th Street. New York City, N.Y.

July 1951

That FIRST Drink T HE new guy in AA hears, and should always hear, a lot about that first drink. ~ h = nthe days without a drink. Furthermore, for 18 months, I’d been writing my wife, assuring her that alcohol Good Lord permits u s to present was no longer a problem in my life. ourselves to AA for salvage and/- It wasn’t. Getting it was no proba repair, we aren’t, to say the lem whatsoever. So, I gave some least, marvels of reason and bal- surface thought to “doing someance, Definitely not out of the top thing about my drinking.” drawer. We are confronted with But why beat madly around Mrs. sober, happy people, who often O’Reilly’s rose bush? I was spinspeak a language foreign in scope ning my wheels in typically alcoand meaning to ours. The fact that holic fashion and that evening they AA is a Way of Life to 120,000 caught securely on a first drink. alcoholics, the fact that millions On January 11, I was tucked away of sober, happy people flourish along similar spiritual lines, is of in a hospital – again. Certain mathematical certainties become small interest at the moment -to us. peculiarly real to those of us who My cancerous ego only prompted honestly survey the matter of the me to think twistedly, “Yeah, I first drink. know this welldressed phoney, ” H o ~ d oI stopdrinking?” I stop with the impeccable linen, got drinking n o d There’s no way of down to his last chauffer, but how stopping yesterday. Surely, no room do I stop drinking?” This line of for the too familiar gag – to me, novitiate thought has been gently anyway – of drinking now and and tolerantly described a s con- stopping tomorrow. When “social fused. A nice difference from being or business reasons” place me as called plain nuts. the candidate for the proffered A continued repetition (and, drink, I merely say, “No, thank surely repetition can be the key you.” In other words, I stop drinkto learning!) of the first drink ing. theme finally induced me to iso- Under these ground rules, I might late some first drink sequences of stop drinking twenty times of an my very own. Among the many, the evening -one stop at a time.Need time I stood on a pier at Staten it be mentioned that I ask God’s Island, December 24, 1945, lately help in these grave matters and, and safely returned (with small to date, have had the privilege of gratitude, to be sure) from a war. thanking him. On a ship at sea, I’d been 13 — Anonymous, Worcesl er, MUSS.

he is not in the position of pursu- we cannot always appreciate the It’s a short ing God who flits about in a spiri- justice of this quality we find in haul from tual medium somewhere beyond his those who make up our particular reach. Instead, he would come to world. Yet it appears to be one of cornbread to know that he has by-passed God the few of our social traits receivhoe cake.. . during his mad rat-race, therefore must traverse the sometimes diffiing the whole-hearted endorsement of “The Man Upstairs.” Upon recult journey back again before flection we note that He i s overfinding the solace he seeks. generous with blessings, physical, I cannot help but believe that spiritua I, ment a1 and material, when the anonymous sage who passed on we sincerely apply outselves to to posterity his bit of cornbread His will according to our underphilosophy must have been an al- standing. On the other hand, we coholic struggling to back up to rarely find ourselves overwhelmed’ “taw” and start all over again. At by miraculous progress when askany rate it appears a fairly safe ing that He approve and further bet to assume that for some reason the aims of our will. or another he passed through an ex- My friend is yelping long and perience of discovering that this loud in anguished indignity that a battered old world is still capable man with his formal training and of plenty of stiff competition and former social position be subjected A LONG WAY BACK that it i s the wise challenger who to the shattering experience of has “The Man Upstairs” in his $40 a week. Surely there is better I My friend’s dilemma brings t o corner. than this for him, he cried, and once RECEIVED a letter a few days I past from an alcoholic who may mind a remark I have either read or a may not be putting forth a seri- overheard in a discussion some- From the tone of his remark it seems indicated that our philosohe “catches up with God” there it will be! His many, many problems where: “It’s a short haul from corn pher learned the hard way that will be removed, neatly packed ous effort to line himself up with this AA Program. (About that, I am bread to hoe cake, but an end- while there i s recognition and suitable rewards for genuine ability away by his Guardian Angel out of sight, out of mind, forevermore! keeping an open mind.) However, less pull back tocornbread again.” 1

buried in a maze of complaintive Transposed into words better fit- when applied in this terrestrial I can picture our philosopher a s wordage I encountered the follow- ted to my friend’s p d i c a q e n t , sphere, there i s present also, a s he considers this attitude in the ing sentence: “I am still trying to this bit of wisdom might advise we s o often sorrowfully discover, light of his personal experiences. catch up with God.” That sentence him more pointedly than I could an uncanny alertness in the old He scratches his chin and grins literally jumped from its hiding hope t0,that it,is a short step from boy when it comes to detecting wryly. “The lad’s right,” he says place with a frantic bid fot atten- God-consc iousness to self-con- fraud. A genuine handicap found in slowly. “There are better things tion truly startling by way of its sciousness buta hard journey back a sincere person is generally re- instore fa him. Underneath all that implication. Here, to all intents to God-consciousness again. If he gatded with considetation, but the emotional garbage cluttering up and purposes, was a lost being could assimilate the idea with what guy who climbs aboard for the ride his mind, your friend senses truth he would like to achieve in sereni- m o t e often than not gets unloaded in the promise that in the Father’s chas& madly afteraGod who was on his fat posteriot. And, like my house are many mansions according studiously, even with diabolic ‘ ty then possibly it would not take cruelty, eluding pursuit! him long to realize that actually friend in his present frame of mind, to the needs of each of us.” There

is an effective pause before our the finished product of what he sage adds: “What he hasn’t rea- would like to be while realizing in lized a s yet is that the rent on ’em greater detail what he actually is ain’t free! I don’t reckon there are and, tragedy of tragedies, knows many occupants revelling in them not how to bridge the gap. ‘ on I.O.U.’s, either.” How I wish that he might come , I suspect our philosopher hit the to know that in the Twelve Steps nail squarely on the nose with this he has the material and in God the observation in respect to my friend. Superintendent for bridging the Further along in the same letter he broadest of human personality canrefers twice to the pattern for liv- yons; that he has only to clear ing he found in my own family away the top-soil and get down to while visiting here. He compliments bed-rock in order that the foot of us with the positive assertion that the bridge may be firmly planted at achieving an identical goal, or de- the very outset. g e e of harmony, would provide all the ingredients necessary to his Yes, indeed! ‘Tis truly a long own happiness. Doubtless a simi- way back to cornbread again. Rut lar theme for living with suitable happy thought! A fellow can in modifications to his personal needs an honest day’s labors on that would produce considerably more down-to-earth sort of nourishment. A harmony in his life. This much he hard pull back to Godsonscioussenses. However, he doesn’t com- ness? Yes. But a fellow can total pletely understand how he can up another 24 hours of honest enfind room for the necessary new deavor on that sort of down-toideas in the oversrowded corridors earth philosophy. of h i s inner-self. He visualizes — D.H., Jacksonville, Florida

August 1951

ing at a certain time and place iving AA carries great responand let it go at that. The poor bewildered drunk is on his own from L sibilities a s well a s the d e e p est joy human beings can know. then on in. God help him, no one There i s no question about the else will. If he makes it the spon- joys. They are accepted’expected, sor takes all the credit, if he does not make it then the hell with him. demahded wholeheartedly – but And What Of the responsibilities? These are What Price Slips The old saws then come to light. Such a s “he isn’t readym and “I grave matters requiring a sense of duty,’a willingness to sacrifice for ResponsibiIity can’t work it for him” and the the love of others, a consciousness rest of the chesnuts. of obligations. Only the courageous You can’t long expect anyone to disciplined soul takes them on and have and keep an interest in some- faithfully carries them on to a thing he or she krrows nothing triumphant end. about. We must be able to give AA requires an adult viewpoint, them enough food for thought at ‘ T 00 many slips and poor group loyalty a s well a s dilatory attendance at meetings must have each meeting to make them want to come back for more. and it would seem some of us dwell too long in adolescence (the first three Steps) during this time we fun a s freely a s before. Even the atmosphere of the house must be suited to the requirements of our reasons. Could the following be Of such stuff is sobriety made, are a s children in a halfway stage new life. The coming of AA can the explanation? common interest in a common prob- of growth, a most uncomfortable change a house into a home, and ‘ What has happened to the old lem the right and privilege of free situation. We have ambitions with- a couple into a family. fashioned discussion groups circa discussion and expression. The out ability, desires without self We have now begun to learn to 1946) The lack of them i s getting right to accept what we hear and control, appetites without descre- grow into well rounded seasoned more evident a s i s indicated by learn and apply it only a s it affects tion, and life is not kindly in its souls; to know what life really the appalling amount of slippees our particular needs. dealings with us. means to us. AA i s a great disciand the failure of the various groups Any recital of our past is only a Either we submit to the laws plinary force. Not only does it to hold people after they have come repetition of the other fellows case that require duty, sacrifice, love change habits by changing’the on the Program. history, s o what worthwhile pur- and relinquishment, or we godown center of interest, it changes charpose does it serve for us to make in bitter defeat a s failures, unhap acter. We watch our wads, our Group after group i s following comparisons? We both got drunk. py to the end, Either we grow up, attitudes; because those who love the easy indifferent way, i.e. getting Please let’s again talk and think sober up, and fly right, or we get us will absorb every tone, every speaker after speaker to entertain about our 12 Steps of recovery and into a hell of a mess. Fot u s there gesture, every word. with a recital of their sordid drunk- tradition and put AA back upon a is no other way. We alcoholics feel long before en past, rather than to educate real solid foundation, we owe this AA i.; a great force in the edu- we know, and behave accordingly. with open and free discussion of not so much to ourselves a s to cation and maturation of men and And we know long before we can the 12 Steps, problems, character those who are yet to come in and women. It demands the abandon- express our knowledge in action defects and habits which are pe- partake of this glorious new way ment of former habits, and the ac- and words. Most of us find AA a culiar to alcoholics. of life. ceptance of maturity and its duties, great responsibility, but well Individual sponsors do no bet- joys and sorrows. We can no longer guided by the Twelve Steps, our ter, they make a 12th Step call, Let’s give it a try, shall we? feel free to go away from home at maturity crowns us with laurels. tell the subject to come to a meet- – E.L., Chicago, lllinois will, no longer spend money for — P.S., Huntington, West Va.

October 1951

— through the u s u a l s t a g e s

of indecision —

I Believe

I~ave Discovered Prayer – FTER 13 months of sobriety, Each time I feel a s though a s my hospitalization a few days ago. crash again sometime. Hut I want A during which I went through the usual stages of indecision, though I have learned something about AA, and, although many will In thedarkness of my room, I lay there sick in body and with brain You always at my side when I’m troubled. Amen.” I crashed. 1 kept on crashing for nodoubt disagree, I appear to have still befogged, unable to sleep. It was the first prayer I’d offered three days, the first two of which benefitted by my slips. I knew For a time I pondered whether to in years. It was probably a pretty was spent invain attempts to strug- “all about AA” soon after joining t o offer a prayer– a little bit of poor excuse for a prayer. Not begle back to a semblance of normal- the movement. Now, just after a prayer — and was on the verge ing an expert, I did not, and still cy, and finally led t o my place- Slip No. 3, I find I did not know a s of deciding that if I had not done do not, know the deeper beauties ment in a rest home. much about it a s I thought. s o previously, it was asking too of religion. T h i s was not my first slip. I was During my recent hospitalization, much to offer one now. But all at once, I went to sleep, introduced to AA in May, 1947, at which camd at a time when I did ‘ My decision came suddenly. I the first peaceful sleep in sevwhich time I sobered up the “hard not have a job t o worry about, I be- do not think I was begging. I did eral nights. way” land remained on the beam lieve I discovered prayer. Never not ask for deliverance from the for 14 months. Came Slip No. 1, having been a religious man, and tortured nerves for good and all. I know now that I’ve learned followed by another lengthy period certainly not being a zealous one I merely said: something more through AA, and of sobriety. Then Slip No. 2, and even now, I experienced that peace- “Lord, I guess I have not been I’m deeply thankful. now No. 3. , ful feeling on the second night of the best kind of an AA. I might — W. C. D., Erie, Pennsylvania

March 1 9 5 2

istics, which at the time 1 thought that 1 am the difficult onc to get were sound, I now despise. I got along with – not her! He tells me the first loop around him one night my job is lousy (how about some in 1942, in South Orange, New Jer- relaxation); he never mentions the sey the first A A meeting I ever jobs I lost through relaxing with went to – and I have been adding him, and he doesn’t know that I am extra loops and knots around him lucky to have a job at all. He sugever since by going to AA meet- gests many other things to me which I have to refuse. I tell him ALCOHOL ings and making AA members my associates and friends. He seems he is the one who had the fun, and I am the one who paid the p i c e to be cheerful enough about my IN BOND tying him up, but of course, I know he is always scheming and trying and suffered the hangover. Now I know it is possible for to get loose again and take com- him to get loose again, and s o I mand once more. have studied the possibilities and . He tells me there are lots of gay am building my defenses. There new places which have opened up are three ways he could get loose: 1. A black depressive mood of FOR I five years before I joined AA, had been trying to stop nine years ago was known all over town a s a drunk – the same person since 1942; that there are lots of new drinking pals to be met; new anger or hatred, if allowed to simdrinking without success. It seems t o me that my decisions were just who smashed up three cars … And so one night, after a lot of sonRs to sing; new bartenders to be pomoted for that extra drink for mer could burn his bonds free. 2. A dishonest a immoral way a s firm and strong when I decided AA coffee, I couldn’t sleep and 1 free. Why don’t I let him loose for of living on my p n could rot his to stop a s they possible couL1 be, begao towonder if I were really the just one day while we look them bonds away. but I always either changed my same individual. Surely, I still over again? On a hot summer day, 3. A couple of drinks would mind a failed. But when I came have somewhere within me the same he suggests a cold beer; on a cold set him instantly free, because his into AA “some intangible some- weakness, the same bad qualities,’ day in winter, he suggests a hot bonds are immediately soluble in thing” gave me the e a r n push, or the same character deficiencies that Scotch a Manhattan. If I am overly alcohol. courage, a determination, that I I had nine years ago. tired, he tells me a nice highball And so, I do nor want to take the had kcked before t o stay dry. I Then I arrived at the fantastic will pick me up. He tells me my first drink; 1 do not want to get don’t know what i t was – it may idea that there were really two of wife isn’t always easy to live mad or hate anyone; and I hope no have been tbe c a s e histories I me. The other Don L. is still with- with – how about a vacation with dishona of mine will ever rot his heard; it may have been a sense of in me, but I have him tied up! We him – he i s really quite a stupid bonds away, and at the same time belonging; it may have been that are still good friends – we still guy, because he never seems to tarnish the brightness of AA. — Don L, Orange, New jersey I did ask God for help; it may have talk to one another – many things realize, a s well a s he knows me, been the friendships aod associa- about him I still admire. Although, tioos of the group – whatever it after many years of close associawas, some intangible something tion with him, I realize that while changed me. he was in control, he lead me a It i s hard fa me to realize that grtuling chase, an urchin exis- I a m the same person, the same tence and was almost my complete individual, the s a w Don L. who ruin and that most of his character-

March 1 9 5 2

RECENT article by George my feet,” etc., etc. Then, a s soon A Mathew Adams, an American journalist who writes for out papers, as their problems are looked after they disappear until they are in gave us the inspiration for a new trouble again and s o on ‘ad infinislogan which we fiod helpful – it turn.” We believe that to encourage is “Be a lifter not a leaner.” a new member in this way of think- From our group experience, it ing does him far more harm than would appear that the less success- good and might be fatal to his ful members are those who try to chances of getting the Fogram. use AA for what they can get out So now when the “gimme boysw of it. You know the type – “fix are looking for handouts we point things up with my wife,” “Do to our slogan and say “Be a lifter something to save my job,” “just not a leaner,” We find it works. a small loan to help me back on – J . L, Haliiax, Nova Scoria

Apxil 1 9 5 2

HORROR STORY

FTER almost six years of so- A briety, I had my first drink the other night. I had heard many times “Glad to hear it!” I remarked, reaching for the electric percolator. After drinking two delicious CUPS of the bad effects of that first drink, of coffee, I settled down to pleas- – but it never could happen to me! ant dreams. This is how it came about. A It was good to still bea qualified group of friends were celebrating member of AA. some victory or other and phoned — E.L., Hollywood, Calilomia me to join them in the bar. 1 did not even hesitate, “I’ll be right down” I said, joyously. At first it was easy but after several non-alcoholic beverages, the old time odors,almost forgotten, intrigued me. I decided, “I may have lost the allergy and obsession:’ I took one – then another – then another. Finally I realized what I had done. “Why did I take that first drink?” I am not a crybaby, but believe me I cried and cried, saying between sobs, “Why did I take it?” A violent shake woke me from a sound sleep. My roommate was say-‘ ing, “What are you crying about? You woke me up and I can’t get back to sleep,”

July 1 9 5 2

over again, and again I s a y t o my- The individual and the group have self or perhaps out loud, “I just both played God, and denied God * – .

can’t see why they can’t get new a place in their program to helpthem. members, or why that gioup has T a k e it easy, quit playing God, failed for they sw have worked and give him a chance. In God’s and tried hard t o make a success- own way and in God’s own time let him restore us t o sanity. Be ready … ful group.” Now I’ve got the irdividual and the g o u p both up t o date with t o have God remove a l l our defects of character by wotking a l l 12 the same problem, but heck, God Steps, not, perhaps a s fast a s you

w HO done i t ? You done it, I didn’t. T h i s i s a good who done it mystery, and a t times it that feeling that comes over me when I learn of Jim, Joe, or John having a s l i p and I have said along didn’t make them slip. S w l y my who done it doesn’t sound right t o s a y “Who done it? God done it, I want them, but a s fast a s God knows you are capable of progressing, always remembering t o give didn’t.” Bur-7, ain’t 1 the typical God the entire credit. When we really does become a mystery t o with others, “Ain’t it a shame, I alcoholic to get my tang a l l tungled give God the chance t o ‘ w w k for the individual alcoholic, and even never saw anyone try any harder up like this. God didn’t make the us, let’s leave it that way. The t o the alcoholic group. It should than he did t o keep the program.” individual slip, nor did he cause driver’s seat never was a safe place never be a mystery but never-the- Let’s leave the individual with t h e g o u p t o fail. fathe active alcoholic, neither i s … less the facts and the evidence are a l l too prominent. Now done it? Let’s erase the unknown Who his s l i p alone for the present and look a t the alcoholic groups and find where they fit into this who What made the individual fail when he was trying s o hard? The it a safe place for the inactive one. Then a s we see ourselves proanswer i s there .plain a s can be t o g r e s s without a slip, and when we “you” and replace this little t k e done it mystery a d bring them up me. He has been trying s o hard t o see our group growing and doing letter pronoun with a three letter t o date, along with the individual. good, be ready to say, “Who done noun beginning with a capital “G” I have s e e n new g o u p s formed and work the program that God did not get a chance t o help. The group it? God done it, I didn’t.” If wel and s a y God done it, I didn’t. watched their progress a I should fail, God surely must say. “who Many times I have.been shocked, s a y the lack of progress, and even did the same thing.They worked so hard that God did not again get the done it? You done it, I didn’t.” hurt, numbed, or what ever you call failure. I get that s i c k feeling a l l chance t o strike a lick for them. — L.N.C., Oak Ridge; Tennessee

August 1 9 5 2

You needn’t sit there with that sil- in’ to no AA meeting t o lookat them. ly grin on your puss! All you AA “So, when the lady first sergeant feel loury1 L o u i e in ’47, I sent some dough t o New “BfaUD,30 I went than lousy. I don’t get it. I Y a k and got t b t M book. T h t ‘ s days this time without a ti& 1 did. gtrys run around griming like a bunch of goofed baboons. But you ain’t fooling nobody, Bud. You get gets through calling the roll, I figure we’d fall out and police up the area. That’s a la%, huh? But, anydrink. Aod two r e e k s used t o be ” R e d that book, too. So, I says, just a s thirsty a s the next stew, way, the meting goc started. my house record. Thirty dsys a d this is f a me. It’s a good deal. only you’re scared of the stuff. Real ” A guy goc up and told all about boom! Here I am agaio. Four white Of course, I ain’t a s bad a s tbese scared. No guts. his drinking. And I do mean all! He a’ So, anyway, like I told you, I walls, a ceiliag t o match, with jokers but at least I c m lem t o be was really wound up and did he Life screaming, ‘Hit him .grin, 8 conaolled drinker. get the book and I read it. And look rough. He coulda goc up, taken he’s Irish1 “Nahing complicated in that that’s enough f a me. But still a bow, fallen on his face and I’d “How long did you s a y you’d book. After all, I reat t o d o 0 1 too. I’m pretty cozy. I didn’t have all know he’d had it. Why all the jibb u n sober? All b y . Ah, plenst those good jobs because I ain’t berjabber? So, it probably helped don’t give me tbat old baloney1 YOU cozy. I’ve been thrown out of bet- him, you say? Ah, nuts! musm been sober f a over four y e w s ter joints than you ever s w e p floors “Then, some bird gets up andeasy, and still chirping t h t all in, and don’t f a g e t it, Junior. starts talking about God. Higher day nure. Who you trying t o kid? “Well, being a smart cookie from Power, praying, and stuff like that “Lissen, feller, I got news for way back, I figured I’d play it safe there. Boy, was he ever screwed you1 Vben I got out of t k service and look up a couple of these meet- up! He didn’t know nothing about ings like it says in the book. Been religion. sober a week, too. Had it made “How did he look? Classy, Bud, right out of the whole cloth. classy! Strictly Brooks Brothers “What a deal! There ain’t any- and obviously a Bradstreet job. Oh, thing unusual going in. Everybody you mean ocherwise? What’s the is acting like people. No better. No worse. Except … .. . and get this difference? Well-1-1, O.K., s o he . was healthy. What’s that got t o do

… there’s about ten nurses in uniform sitting in the front row and some starchy head nurse type with preaching without a license? Steady, boy, steady! * tAnyway, I sweat out a couple

i s calling the roll and these girls more speakers who seemed t o be are all making, ‘Here!’ making a lot of those 12 Points or “All right,all right, s o it was the Steps or whatever you call ’em. group’s usual weekly open meeting. Then, they said the Lord’s Prayer And the nurses are there to get hep and I got out of there while they s o they could perhaps handle these were passing the hat. so-called alkies more sympathetic- “I’ll clue you, Bud,,there ain’t ally. Sympathy! You’re way late nothing new to me about AA. I and silly,boy! That’s a word in the knew a l l about AA when you were dictionary. Or, haven’t you heard? still bumming short beers down at

PIECE “Besides, I can see too many nurses right from here without go- Cronin’s. “But, here’s the pay 0%. This’ll

kill ya! During that particular two nursing- drunks. ” weeks, I run into Harry. You remem- Yeah, that w a s over two years ber Harry? Brother, i s h e s i c k that a g o a t that. Sure, sure, you see day! He’s groaning. He’s dying. him every week a t meetings. You’d L i k e a smoldering log and no t e a have t o get that in, wouldn’t you? 1′ He w a s asking for me? So what! f a t h e fever. ” So, I s a y s , I ain’t drinking. No, I wouldn’t like t o have good And he s a y s , ‘You ain’t drinking?’ old Harry drop in and s e e me. J u s t And, I s a y s , hell, no! I joined Ah. between you and me and t h i s bed- You’d oughter try it yourself. post, I never had a n y t i m e for that “About in t h e summer of ’49, a phony. In my book, he w a s always coupla y e a r s later, I run into Harry short a couple coupons, drunk or a t a b a l l game. Don’t a s k me what sober. T e l l him h e c a n help me I’m doing a t that b a l l game. I’m most by getting lost. t h a t rumdum, I should of been “Well, Bud, thanks any way for framed’ and hung with t h e r e s t of looking me up. Who, me? Ah, don’t t h e art. But, anyway, I’m a t t h i s worry. I’ll come up out of t h i s p s t b a l l game. house swinging like always. They “Like I said, who d o I run into ain’t made the box t o fit me yet. I but Harry. And he’s looking good. s t i l l got it, boy! Prosperous. He a d d s up. “And look here, come b y again, “So, after t h e game, I s a y s let’s w i l l y a ? I’ll be out for sure next g o and I’ll buy ya a boiler maker week. Stop by t h e store week after

… to g o with t h e helper. And h e s a y s … just like t h a t you, I ain’t drinking!’ You ain’t ‘No, thank next. B u s i n e s s is great. J u s t coin-. ing t h e stuff. ‘t You never amounted t o anything drinking? ‘Oh, no,’ h e s a y s , quiet in t h i s town, Bud,but I a l w a y s s o n like, ‘I took your kind suggestion of liked you even when we were in that time, went t o AA, and haven’t school. You ain’t t o o sharp and had a drink since!’ you’re a gone-John on t h i s A A st&, “Well, you coulda c u t me down but I s t i l l can’t h e l p feeling w e with one perfect r o s e petal. You have something in cofimon. know, L s t a r t e d t o f e e l kind of jeal- “Hold o n a minute, will y a ? Beo u s but t h e n I figure, who g e t s fore you go, I gotta t e l l ya somejealous of punks like Harry? He thing I ain’t never told anybody. never did no thin^. Something I ain’t even told myself. “Whadda ya mean, whadda ya And believe me, if you ever s p i l l mean, a good 12 S t e p job? Oh, that! this, I’ll break your back in small Ha, ha, you s u r e follow t h e Party pieces! Line, don’t you? L i s s e n , I got enough troubles myself without wet “Bud, 1 . .. . . . I I’m scared!” — Anonymous, Worchester, Mass.

November 1 9 5 2

I began t o be conscious of little re- had decided that I could take a drink. ‘ sentments. Trivial things seemed t o A drink. And a drink w a s a l l 1 took bother me more than they should. I a t that time.

A Split-Second started to s k i p meetings. 1 can honestly s a y that I had no d e s i r e t o take a drink. Certainly n o d e s i r e of which I T h e moment 1 polished it off I condemned myself. “You’ve done it!”- l had torn down the barriers1 I had lost w a s aware. Yet. somehow. a sort of something! I w a s terribly upset! And u n e a s i n e s s came over me. while 1 didn’t get drunk right then, A d a y c v e when I w a s attending t h o s e thoughts continued t o haunt me the races. I skw a few old cronies, a l l during the s p r e e that followed a but that didn’t bother me. T h e y knew few d a y s later. I had quit drinking. Luck w a s average 1 didn’t enjoy that spree. There ..not good, not bad. I w a s not emo- w a s not one single instant during tionally on edge. And t h e thought of t h o s e d a y s and nights o l drinking

Meant Chaos! taking a drink never entered my mind. Until suddenly, just before leaving. I turned, stepped into t h e bar and ordered “a double.” In a split-second I when I had the slightest bit of enjoyment. Not one! During lucid moments 1 w a s horribly ashamed. I felt like a marked man and, in truth. I was. T h e

Y ou’ve done it You’ve done i t You’ve done it!” “Now what?” – when I decided t o g o on t h e program. And 1 w a s just a s s i n c e r e during my T h e full realization ,of t h e terrible two a n d a half years. 1’11 never forget thing I’d done crashed in o n me1 After t h e s u r g e of happiness that swept t w o and a half y e a r s of sobriety I had through me t h e evening our group pre- “slipped.” I had taken that first sented m e with a “three months drink. And I had gotten drunk1 cake.” A gorgeously decorated cake, “How d i d it happen?” … “What with three lighted candles. Three tiny brought i t on?” … “How did you harbingers of hope. Hope f& t h e fufeel?” … “Why did you d o it?” … ture. 1 sincerely believed that my “What’s your excuse?” … “Somebody problem had been licked. 1 waa {inurge you?” … “Think you c e n come ished, for a l l time, with drink. back?” ‘ T h e w e e k s and mouths piled up, T h e s e and a hundred otber ques- a n d 1 w a s well along toward my third tions, I have been a s k e d and have year of s o b i e t y . 1 w a s happy with it. a s k e d myself. Now, eight months l a t a , And thoroughly confident that I would I will try t o answer a few of them. never drink again. Not only confident. Believe me, I w a s 100% s i n c e r e but over-confident1 As time tolled on.

bell-hop, t h e barber. t h e manager of I might l o s e a leg. A d e l i c a t e operat h e hotel where I holed up a l l knew tion s a v e d that. Months of s l o w recovme. T h e y knew nre from the old days. ery followed, during which time my And they had s e e n ma, later, a s a condition w a s s e c o n d a r y in my n~ind. s o b e r man. T h e y had been proud of Uppermost, w a s the slip. I don’t l i k e my sobriety. Now, I s a w only pity a n d t h e word, slip. It i s t o o flippant, too disillusionment i n t h e i r hurried glan- i n c o n s e q u e n t i a ~ . t o o s h r u ~ of the c e s . I w a s bedeviled day and night by shoulders. I hadn’t slipped. I had t h e c o n s t a n t thoughts of what I had pulled t h e rug out destroyed everydone! I could not e s c a p e from myself! thing, brought on a tragedy in my life! S o I continued t o drink. A besotted L i s t e n , brother: you can’t go out fool. A man who had killed something a n d d o t h o s e things and get away with .. something f i n e and good. Some- it! T h e r e a r e not two r o a d s t o A A .. thing, I thought. that w a s l o s t lorever. only one. You’ve got to b e 100% L e t ‘ s p a s s over t h e w e e k s when I h o o e s t with yourself, and with others. eventually returned t o sanity. I didn’t It s p e l l s t h e difference between being return t o AA. Not then. I w a s s t i l l too s o b e r a n d being drunk! if I c a n only ashamed. and fillcd with remorse. AA make you, who read this, fully r e a l i z e friends tried t o comfort me by s a y i n g , t h e things you’ll l o s e , and t h e terrible “All right. So you were drunk for a way you’ll f e e l in your heart, if you few weeks. Rut look a t a l l t h e t i m e t a k e t h a t “first drink,” my efforts a t you were sober. T h a t tinre hasn’t been putting t h i s on paper will have been wasted. It hasn’t been thrown away. justified. (And maybe I’m strengthen- I t i s s t i l l a l l t o your credit. T h e point i n g myself a t t h e s a m e time.) If I had now i s t h a t you’ve learued a bitter continued t o a t t e n d m e e t i n g if I had l e s s o n , and want t o remain s o b e r fronr been o n guard a g a i n s t r e e e n t n ~ e n t s h e r e on out. T h a t ‘ s what you should a n d petty thinking. I might have avoidsay. And that’s what w e believe you e d my tragedy. I’ll put it stronger than mean. So forget t h o s e few weeks, that. I’m s u r e I would. I would have a l o n g with a l l your other ‘past per- heard something, from somebody t h a t formances,’ and thank God for ;he would h a v e helped k e e p me straight. opportunity t o g o on from here. Hemember, there a r e t h o s e anrong u s who T h a t ‘ s why I’m back in AA again. h a v e s h a r e d t h a t experience with you, Yes. I’m back stronger than t v e r l too.” And, with t h e a i d of t h a t Power great- But 1 couldn’t forget. When I s a y e r than myself, t h e s a m e Power that t h a t I w a s literally haunted by what helped me through my other i l l n e s s , I I’d done, I mean just that. T h e back- hope t o ultimately wipe out of my wash w a s terrific! T h e n i l l n e s s mind t h e d e j e c t e d thoughts of what struck. I w a s confined t o a h o s p i t a l some term a s l i p but what I regard a s bed. a n d for a time i t looked a s though a r e a l tragedy. E.E., Carlsbad, Cali/.

December 1 9 5 2

w t of u s wish to remember our All joking aside. 1 lound out just last binge. Me too. I was a s l i p how many fine AA friends I had while per. My last s l i p was off a horse. I I (was in that hospital, and with Cod’s had pitched for three days and then 1 help and a 24 hour AA program I a m got pitched – straight off a horse’s back.1 cam in. a s usual, at the crack dry and feel that 1 can remain dry. Roy. Richmond. Indiana. of dawn. I stalled into the s t a l l to hiccup a drunken good morning t o my daughter% new Palomino. T h i s mare w a s not’only new but s b e w a s as wild as a March h u e . My fifteen-year-old daughter had “broken” the filly but t h e horse evidently s e n s e d a differe n c e between the feel of my lovely rober daughter and her inebriated dad. T h e m u e did not like the contrast. There w a s no bridle and no saddle on t h i s s t e e d when 1 eased a looped l e g over hsr spine. I mounted her from the manger. She flew out of that bern door l i k e a d o t out of a cannon. All I had t o hold on t o w a s that tiny tuft of blond mane at the base of her neck. She jumpad, and s h e kicked. and s h e balked, and s h e bucked! Homes must have some sort of secret springs in their flanks, because s h e got me out of rhythm with her romping s o that when d e w a s going up, I w a s coming WAS down. With that laat lunge I wae pitched into tbe air like a flying q u i n e l : When 1 came down on that ‘ b u d b& lot I w u out of breath and oat, period. At the hoepital the x-rays revealed three broken ribs, internal injuries end pmblic intoxication. I w a s on the tick f a 19 daym. But that w a s my l a s t OFF A HORSE – BROTHER b i i . Resentment h a s thrown me, boredom h r thrown me, hut when that m u e threw me, h o t w a s IT. That Was It !

January 1953

slave to alcohol and that our welcome I can remember the wrinkled, slept-in I ONCEentitled witle read an article in the Grape- “Your Slip’s Show- to the fellowship of AA has pointed clothes, soiled shirts, food-spotted ties, his footsteps toward the goal of last- sloppy, unshined shoes with holes in ing.” This article seemed to me to reto ing sobriety. But how do we feel the soles, which I had to wear because flect a slipper’s view of what appeared to be the reaction of some of his fei- when one of our fellow members has a the money for a new pair went to a avoid low members of AA toward his slip. slip? Is our reaction any different bar owner who must have needed a It hinted pretty plainly that the atti- whether the slipper has been on the new pair worse than I did. I can tude of some, particularly those who program a month or six months? Does remember the tortured nerves, the trouble had been fortunate enough not to slip it matter whether he has become a desperate, crying need for a drink, the since their acceptance of the AA pro- close personal friend through associa- slobbering, slavering, bestial gulping gram as a guide to lasting sobriety, tion in AA, or a member for whom of the “hair of the dog.” With that imagine embodied such poorly concealed re- we have not developed a real personal picture before me, how could I posactions as impatience, intolerance, attachment and affection? sibly slip? I haven’t, as yet. but others facing criticism, disgust, and even contempt After considerable thought on the with fully as sordid experiences have, for the unfortunate member whose slip matter of slips, I have come to the so who am I to say that I will not? showed. (What it showed, I shall in conclusion that my personal feelings More pathetic even, to me, is the it! this article try to picture as I see it.) and reactions are not important. The picture of the AA member who has In AA we tell our stories of what important thing is that a slip, any- slipped, both during the slip and comwe used to be like, what happened, body’s slip, poses this problem: how ing out of it. The release, which he and what we are like now, in order to can I help a fellow member of AA had either consciously or subconsciousskow other alroholics that there is a avoid his first slip or the recurrence of ly hoped to find in the binge, is lost proven, simple, workable solution for a previous slip? in the feeling of guilt which the alcoeven the most seemingly hopeless A slip, to me, is simply a relapse hol cannot quite drown. Coming out drinking problem, if the individual into the status quo ante of the indi- of the slip, he has to face the greater having such a drinking problem sin- vidual’s .pre-AA stage of alcoholism. shame and remorse resulting from cerely and honestly wants lasting so- Can we not, then, help to solve the knowing in his own heart that the briety and is willing to fight for it problem of slips in much the same slip was inexcusable, that he has dewith every weapon at his command. way as we attacked the original drink- liberately tossed away weeks or months W e place at his disposal one of the ing problem? If telling the true of hard won progress in’ his fight most effective weapons yet devised for stories of what we used to be like, against his bondage to alcohol. I

. the control of alcoholism . . the AA what happened, and what we are like There are in my mind four graphic now, helped an alcoholic to realize illustrations of “Your Slip’s Show- What If program of recovety, with an unlimited supply of ammunition as rep- that AA could help him solve his ing”; pictures of AA members as 1 drinking problem, isn’t it logical to saw them during and coming out of resented by the understanding help and support of the h A membership. assume that a true picture of a slip slips. One, who couldn’t or wouldn’t I Should It is, as we all know, a grand feeling to know that the telling of our can help a potential slipper to avoid come out ,of it, in spite of efforts of this pitfall on his road to recovery? fellow members of A A to help him stories (frankly revealed although we A true picture of a slip, as I see it, back to sobriety, progressed from slip are far from proud of parts of them) is pot pretty. No more so than the to jail for drunken driving, to escape has enabled another alcoholic to find true picture of ourselves when we were from prison farm. to fugitive from the a ray of hope in his extremity as a at the bottom of our alcoholic cesspool. law. Shall I follow his example and

t take that very dangerous first drink? back on a slip, he must, if he is hon- C.m I truthfully call it anything but tainly would have to lie to myself. I Out of deference for the feelings of est with himself, admit that there is sellishness that would, for any reason would have ,to convince myself that I the other three slippers, I will refrain absolutely no excuse for tak- whatsoever, countenance the deliberate would go crazy if I didn’t get drunk from describing their slips as I saw ing that first drink. destruction of the happiness and com- and forget all my troubles. Maybe I them, but paraphrasing a well-known Second: For me, taking that first fort and satisfaction that my sobriety could say that my family relations were quotation from Bobbie Burns, I will drink would be an act of utter stupid- has given to others? unbearable, worries were getting me say this, “Wad some Power the Giftie’d ity. Why? Look at it this way. Sup- Fourth: I do not consider myself down, or I was in terrible physical gi’e them, to see theirsel’s as I saw pose I am a diabetic and on a strict cruel, yet what greater cruelty could I pain. Certainly I must have convinced them then.” For each of these fellow diet. If I adhere to that diet, I can show than that which would be evi- myself that drinking would relieve the members I have a very real feeling of prolong my life, save myself pain and denced by gravely wounding, perhaps tension, or the strain, or the pain, and friendship, the outgrowth of our asso- suffering, and lead a fairly normal life. even destroying, the hope and faith what could be more dishonest than to ciation in AA, for I was unacquainted Would it or would it not be proof of . inspired by my living the AA program. pretend that I knew that alcohol would with any of them before I became an colossal stupidity if I were to toss that Fifth: Wouldn’t there be more than keep me from going crazy? Lastly: AA member myself. Each of them has diet out of the window and indulge a trace of spitefulness in my slip? In T o be honest, I ‘would have to attrimy gratitude, for they have strength- in prohibited items of food? 0. K., back of my fabricated excuse or ex- bute my slip to a lamentable lack of, ened my own belief in AA by giving I am an alcoholic and on a strictly cuses, wouldn’t I be trying to hurt faith-in God, in AA, and in myself. me the opportunity of trying to help non-alcoholic diet. I am getting along someone or show someone that I didn’t And why this lack of faith? For me, them toward the renewal of their faith fine and know that I will continue to have to stay sober? Am I sure that I it would have to be the result of subin the AA program and in themselves. improve as long as I adhere to that woudn’t be spitefully trying to show conscious recognition of personal in- In analyzing my reactions toward each diet. The crass stupidity of taking that someone that he or she had better ap- sincerity in my acceptance of the AA 5

of these individuals, I can truthfully first drink must be obvious to anyone preciate my sobriety, or else? program, skepticism of a power greatsay that’l felt only sympathy and un- who is not feebleminded. To be sure, Sixth: Much as I hate it, this picture er than myself which could restore me derstanding of their lapses and found we have all done stupid things iniul- (or inventory) of my slip would have to sanity, and lack of willingness to myself trying to justify their slips by vertently, but, in my book, if I were to admit to cowardice.’. A moral cow- go to any lengths to attain lasting ard, I would have to refuse to open P trying to see through t eir eyes the to do a stupid thing deliberately I factors that apparently contributed to should certainly convict myself of be. my eyes to the facts or to see the consobriety. I can only hope that, after seeing my slip through my eyes, the loss of their sobriety. ing “on cornpos menris. sequences of a slip. I would have any fellow member of AA who may Knowing, however, ‘that such an at- Third: In slipping, I would have to shut out from consciousness all be tempted to take that first drink, titude toward these friends of mine been guilty of pure, unadulterated set- thoughts and memories which might will draw for himself a true picture does not in the least help in solving fishness. How? Look, I have been r tend to dissuade me from slipping. of his impending slip before it haptheir problem, I have decided that per- member of AA long enough to have It is surprising, isn’t it, how easy it is pens and resolve to go to any lengths haps the answer is to examine a slip seen the lightening of the burden of to do just that when one is in the to avoid it, using every means available .. my slip, if you will . . in the clear, fear and worry and uncertainty on the mood for a slip, yet I have heard alcoholics bemoan their inability to shut to him to bolster his determination not uncompromising ligllt of truth. as 1 part of those nearest and dearest to me to give in, and particularly do I hope see it, and point out the conclusions which has resulted from my sobriety. out from their minds old resentments, that he will avail himself of the help that I would be compelled to arrive at My friends have shown their approval worries, etc., which prevent them from from a fellow member of AA before in regard to myself and my slip. of and their pleasure in my non-alco- enjoying the real peace of mind that surrendering, instead of waiting until First: I can honestly discard from holic association with them. My fellow comes from sobriety. he is driven to it by the desperate consideration any and all excuses that members of AA have given me help Seventh: Would it be possible for . realization that . . and God only I mav have trumped up in advance of and encouragement and are delighted me to take that first drink if I were . knows why . his slip is showing. my slip for when an AA member looks in my progress toward lasting sobriety. honest with myself? Hardly. I cer- A~to~tyrnous,Willows, Calif.

February 1953

Happy Landing 1 HAVE an i d a &out “slips” that might help someone else as it has helped me. Here it is: Often when I go to the meetings and what AA has scc accomplished and how nice and clean and happy everyone looks, I think of a nice shiny plane waiting to take off on the runway. The pilot has been instructed for months on what to do in case he hits an air-pocket and the going gets tough . . . but sometimes the pilot &ts a little cocky and a little too sure of himself when he’s sailing dons up t h e e in the beautiful blue sky and because he doesn’t follow instructions he en& up in a beautiful mess of twisted fuselage and wreckage. That’s what happens in AA when we get cocky . . . when we miss meetings ” . . . when we think we don’t need AA and when we think we can t&e one or two drinks and get away with it. We wind up on a beautiful binge and in an awful mess, just like that plane. In the C ~ Xof the plane crash the wrecking crew immediately r u s h s to the scene and does what it can. To me . .. AA represented the wrecking crew . . . and in my case they pilot is , arrived in time. In some cases, unfortunately, it arrives too late and t l ~ lost ! D.M., RtaJing, Pennd.

February 1953

NEWCOMER CONFUSED ABOUT SLIPS

I WENT to see an alcoholic, very sick, who after attending three woman says offhand he/she has been sober five, seven, ten, fifteen years, it meetings said she was through, makes an enormous impression upon washed up . . . because “those AAs newcomers. It did on me. I once saw still drank and got drunk.” It was a young couple sitting up front, first uphill work trying to dissuade her meeting, man shaky, wife hopeful, and but it developed she called to see me a speaker said “Tonight is my tenth the next day, sober, and I had an year of AA sobriety, my anniversary.” opportunity to explain that people I saw that young wife’s face light up; did “slip.” I write this because I be- I saw her nudge her husband and I lieve when AAs get up to “confess” saw distinctly that ray of hope kindle in order to ease their own conscience in his eyes. They ~ ~ amazed, d e they should be very careful to explain fascinated, and enormously edified. it was a slip, and that they recognize So folks, forgive me, but on this point it as such and that they do not drink I disagree with you. Tell ’em how and practice AA simultaneously. In- long you’ve done it to encourage deed it was a tough job convincing them, too. C.D.,Bradenton, Flu. this woman that we are not all a lot of hypocrites. She left me still doubtful and as this is the first time I have encountered any objection .to AA on this point I am very anxious to express it now and here. While still feeling chatty,’ I’m going to say something which will make a lot of AAs throw a bottle (of icewater) at me. So often wc hear that an AA should not mention the length of his/her membership. Must be modest. That has its point, but I’ve noticed one thing: when a man or

APRIL 1953

two quarts of gin and a quart of rum some extreme reason. To my utter con- Knowledge Is Not Enough in an evening 1 had no desire to drink the nest day. llierefore 1 was not dcosternation, in two short weeks, for no reason whatsoever I again started to liolic. ’10~riylong-sdering wife 1 ex- drink. I was horrified; I had been so plained that were I able to convince sure that with conviction would come “But the actual or potrh,tial alcoholic, with hardly an exception, mysell 1 was dcoholic or if 1 believed sobriety. will be abrolurely unable to stop drinking on the bash of self- as so~iicAd that a drink would lead to I drank for five days. On the mornk~otuledge.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, page 50) eventual death or coniinement, then 1 ing of the day before Christmas I was would haw no trouble following the lying in bed completely disgusted with HIS is not the story of my drink,- For the next nine months I con- progr.un. 1 actually believed this when myself for what I was doing to my 3′ ing u m r . which pray God is tinued to fool myself, because I could over. That story would be more lurid control my drinking for varying 1 s ~ it. d but not bcmg convinced 1 was dt constant war w ~ t hmyseli, not family, especially at’this time of year. I called my wife and asked her to than some, not so shocking as others. periods, but inescapably I always against tak~nga drink but about the b r i n ~me a drink. She, God bless her, A typical story of a social drinker with ended in a bender. Finally on April necessity of refraining from taking did. A drink of tea! Then patiently a lvge capacity for hard liquor, grad- 1, 1952, after a particular heavy go e\en one drink. and sympathetically she began to red y coasuming larger and larger at the bottle, I stopped drinking ab- About this time 1 cali~einto sonie view the AA doctrine. At last she quantities because, unfortunately, I ruptly. The resultant shakes, nerves, rnoncy with which 1 intended settling said: could remain the gentleman and keep depression, etc., necessitated my stay- my financial worries. In less thm three “You know the program, one day out of trouble. Then the gradual de- ing home from work for a few days. weeks I found mysell hanging on the at a time. Why don’t you ask God to dine to the occasional, then frequent, Then for the first time with some de- ropes. In the middle of a drunk and help you just for today?” binge. ‘ N u l said, you know the rest! gree of sincerity I went back to AA. afraid 1 wouldn’t stop until all my I had always thought I had faith, Here I would like to tell of my com- I had never before attempted an ad- much-needed money was gone. In des- but that morning I believe was the first ing to AA-my little success, my fre- dress of any kind to a group, AA or peration I asked my wife to call AA. time I sincerely, without reservation, quent failures, and the final devastat- otherwise. Now I did. I also tried to They responded quickly. I asked to bc ever asked God to help me through ing blow that so nearly laid me flat. read the AA literature intelligently. I hospitalized. This was my first experi- just one day. I suffered horribly that I am the father of xven children. listened carefully to the various speak- ence of this nature. The desire to be ci~ybut 1 was never near taking a Some two years ago my drinking began ers. I tried, sincerely I thought, to hospitalized came from fear . . . fear drink. God knew I could stand little to cause me serious financial worries. pray. For the next seven months all born from the knowledge I had gained temptation the way I felt. So He gave It also started to intrude into my work. went well as far as sobriety was con- in AA. me none. Taking stock of myself I decided it cerned. But there continued to build During the drying out I read an ar- On ~hristmas’night I attended an would be necessary to stop drinking up in me a conviction I was not act- ticle by 3 doctor. In it he claimed alco- AA meeting. Many told how happy until I succeeded in getting things ually alcoholic. I could find no reason holisn~ was an irreversible chemical and thankful they were that night but squared away. I came to AA. With satisfactory to myself as to why I was change in the body and that all human there wasn’t one in the hall as humble these reasons for coming you can im- alcoholic. Others, yes, but not me. beinp if they drank long enough and and thankful as I. God had become agine the success I had. I lasted three Eventually I decided I had been only a hard enough would eventually become personal to me that Christmas Day. months, attending the odd meeting heavy drinker and that now I could alcoholic. This I accepted. I then was He had stooped down and drawn me and reading a little of the literature. once more control John Barleycorn. I no different than anyone else. I had back in the middle of a drunk, badc About a year later, coming off a deliberately started to drink. just reached my saturation point. I was from the brink of disaster, back to the bender, sick and shaking, I came back I was careful to inform the members satisfied. I was alcoholic. I left the safe haven of AA. I had finally had to AA. Still not believing I was alco- of my group after my first night, say- hospital with the firm conviction that my “spiritual experience.” holic, I lasted about two months. ing that though I had helped to kill if I ever drank again it would be for H.G.. Cb~rlotfetorun,P.E.I., Canadd

May 1953

*

My first membership in AA lasted I was ashamed to g o back to AA, but ten months. 1 had absorbed enough of I finally did, and of course was welthe program to stay sober that long, comed. At this point I had not figured but I was not happy. I resented the out exactly wherc I had failed in the I was glad I was an alcoholic. I have traded the fear, remorse, desfact (and I kncw it was a fact) that I program, but was determined to start This I call my spiritual awakcning. pair, financial insecurity and unhappicould not drink like non-alcoholics. all over, and trusting in God, see what I havc remained in this state of mind ncss of my drinking years for a life of Prior to my resigning from AA (as I would happcn on this second attempt. ior about a year and I hope and be- sane happiness. Since joining AA the clloose LO refcr to it) I had been more I 11nd not bccn aware of any spirit- licve that it will last through my life second time I have married a wondcrt h m usually dissatisfied with life in ual awakening during my first mem- on this earth. As an alcoholic, I can ful and very understanding n o n – ~ k o gcneral, and when I thought of drink- bership in AA, and that was what I forcver put aside the many problems llolic girl who has been of inestimable ins, as I look back at it now, I gave was hoping for when I returned to the which continuously confront the non- help in keeping me on the program. in without putting up any fight what- program. In a sort of vague way, I felt alcoholic drinker. When it happens I All I have to do the rest of my d ~ y s soever to prevent it, and without any that my failure to have a noticeable am oficred a drink at a.party I don’t to remain happy is to remember that rcgard for the’result . . . not even to spiritual awakening was the reason I have to offer the excuses we have all I am an alcoholic and work on thc A A heard from non-alcoholics when they program twenty-four hours at a time. don’t writ a drink, such as “I hare to f..C.,\f.. P ‘ d o ‘ i ~ , Jf.n I.

June 1 9 5 3

After some very choice words I did go otherwisc, or the judgc rules against in the house and stayed there for three him. Now a while later he gets a days and four nights. similar case, but does he go to the li- After a couple of days I was suffici- brary for the same old case he used ently sober to realize I had to get on before and on which he was beaten? the ball to straighten matters out. I NO, he continues looking up cases; h e w AA would work, but did I really when one fails he does not continue want to quil drinking? The fourth to use it. night was spent in repeatedly asking The doctor practices medicine. H e the Higher Power for guidance in has two patients w’ith the same disease. making up my mind on this point. I He gives them both penicillin. One finally fell asleep and the next morn- rccovers rapidly and the other breaks ing when I awoke my mind was made out with a rash. Does he continue to up. That wasn’t the end of it. The last give the rash customer penicillin? Of drunk was really expensive. I lost my course not, hc tries something else! wife, my job and about everything The chemist, with his test tubes and else, but I did go back to AA and materials, experiments with various since that time I have never had a proven conclusions, and as long as he drink. does this nothing unusual happens. During my tenure in AA my mind But suppose he decides to try somehas cleared a great deal as well as my thing different and the result is a terbody, and many, many times I have rible explosion. Does he continue to heard speakers talk on d i p s and slip- try this unorthodox experiment? I pers and slippees. T o me those words think not. have become almost obnoxious. I have As soon as we have reached the age thought and thought of what must go of rcason we arc told that some day on in the minds of these slippers and we are to die. This soon becomes innow I have concluded that a slip is born with us and, while we might not nothing more or less than an experi- like it, history cannot produce any of ment, no matter what the cause or re- the greats of former days because they, sult. Speaking from a logical point too, have died. There is no experiof view, let’s look at a few matters: ment that will work to keep us alive The lawyer practices law. When he forever in the flesh. has a case of any consequence com- Now comes the alcoholic. He is told ing up in court, he will go to his about AA and he gets a ray of hope, library to yek information on past a bit of faith and becomes willing to cases and decisions covering this type hclp his fcllow man. Out of the clear of case. He finds what he thinks is blue sky comes the thought “Am I the answer and during his trial he really an alcoholic? Do I have to conbrings up the law he has uncovered, tinue making meetings, practicing the but lo, and behold! the jury decides Steps, living the life God meant for

me to live? I think I will experiment.” ment of not drinking and replacing He trics it again and again. Doesn’t this with clean thoughts, clean living common scnse tcll us wc are pcople and a desire to help our fellow man. who just cannot titkc a drink? W e all If we have recovcrcd any of our forhave tcrnptations and many fall to mer self surely we will realize that thcsc, but surely after a good bite of each time we try this experiment we AA we have learned we are dependent are playing tag with the dcvil and on the Higher Power, and as long as sooncr or hter Ilc is going to gct us. we keep in touch with Him we are able Let’s turn oi~rsclvesinside out and put to conclucr tllc tcmptation to drink. in just half the timc cxperimcnting But cven with thc Steps, the big AA with ourselves and our fellow man as book and the conclusion that we must we put in experimcnting with liquor. rcccivc help from a Highcr Power, The results will be amazing. some of us are still inclincd ‘to experi- Incnt. Why? Why not try the cxpcri- C.A.M., Kav.ras my,Mo.

July 1953 L

“The human psyche-as the body-ontains within and ~t was always so the first time 1 ber the fun we wed to have when th; its own nature the power to heal itself, so long as trkd AA. gang cashed their ch& at Joe’s and tha injury i s not too far-reaching.”-4r. C. G. lung I firmly believe he doesn’t see it we all had a few. Once we’re listenln~ coming f a two reasons (maybe there to the radio and out comes some favorare more, but these two are glaring in ite drinking song and we reminisce on their repetition). First: he blinds him- the times we mixed that with bourbaa self to the results of his tearing down or beer. Each time, we wonder a l~ttlc his safeguards because he has himself bit . .. “maybe I’m not exactly an Ninety Days Will Do It set to prepare the stage for a drunk. Second: he comes to a point in which alcoholic.” W e shrug our shoulders. but we don’t do anfling about it. he wonders if the price he’s paying is Instead of reaffirming that we know worth the p a l . The first needs no we are doing the right thing in this explanation. You and I know how it new way of lifd and redoubling our works. There are times when this at- efforts on the program, we leavk our MAVE always been a kind of a honest, sincere, and conscious effort at Idon’t misunderstand crank on roalled slips. P l ~ p p living this program. that word “crank” I firmly believe that any of us who titude takes a direct short-cut: pick a fight with the wife or boss, develop minds confused and uneasy. We forget that these memories drc an overpowering self-pity, etc. only the good ooes. We forget h m as meaning highly intolerant. That is drink after ninety days of this program Now that second reason may seem many times we sat in jail and prayed mot true, for honestly, in my heart, I suffer dong with anyone who has must actually labor to make that downfill a reality. First, we must tear down . . strange, but it’s real . because I for help, how many mornings we have gone through it and think I un- swore it would never happen again trouble with this program, or who one wall of defense, whether we do it derstand it. and how often we envied those who shelves it temporarily for a bout with by staying away from meetings, build- Did you ever xe a kid who has been lived clean and good lives, envied t l ~ m old John Barleycorn. However, I do ing a resentment, ignoring our work- jerked out of the yard, disrobed of his to a point where we would deride and lmainhin that any man who makes a ing relationship with our Higher comfortable play-clothes, scrubbed and ridicule them to cover our own failure. cwcious and sincere effort to live this Power, or no matter how we start. One polished, poured into his Sunday-go- . So . . we did nothing. That’s program and stays dry for ninety days wall leads to anothu and then an- to-meeting best and then told to sit something you can’t do in AA . . . –end then d r i n k d o e s not have a other, until alcohol as a means of still until the family were ready to go? nothing. There are no plateus in the dip! It is deliberate! escape from our restless, frustrated He’s like a fish out of water. He uphill struggle against akoholiun. The tremendous recuperative powers reaIity leaps from the subconscious to fusses and fidgets and fumes. His at- Peace of mind, contentment and the of the human body, the wonderful the conscious and the multing physical titude hasn’t quite caught up with this good useful life demand constant and fog-clearing process of the brain, the thirst is a natural reaction. new environment. tireless effort. fmned spa& of iricrcasing peace of You can’t call that a slip! So it is with us. Our attitude hasn’t Either you go forward or you slide sod, bring him in ninety days to a The odd and awful truth of the mat- quite caught up with our new environ- back. point where he has quit fighting alco- ter is: we could have caught ourselves ment. Willfully, you can destroy in orre hol. It is no longer a physical factor. at any point along the way if we had Some Saturday night, we find our- day the walls of d e f e n ~it took months As a mental factor, it should by now wanted to throw the light of personal self sitting home reading or listening to build. Just as surely, though not SO be limited to the subconscious where honesty on our thoughts and actions. to the radio and suddenly it hits us: fast, doubt and confusion with a standday by day new walls of defense are Any man who has had a so-called what am I doing here? This is my old still attitude will also tear down t h ~ built around it to prevent it from tak- slip will tell you, if he is honestly night to howl! Come a pay-day and walls of defense and lead us back to ing over any conscious act. penitent, that he should have seen it we head straight for home as is our drink. W e came to AA because we R&ember that I said ninety days of coming. I’ve heard it dozens of times new habit, when suddenly we remem- were licked; we came seeking a -7

– out of the confusion,’ frustration a d one side and coast our way into 3 unnmageable existence that was ours. dmnk. We knew we faced death, insanity or W e came to this program desperlong jail terms, or, at best, a hard, ately hoping that here was our answer. beaten life on Skid Row. We came honestly. W e admitted and Why do we forget so soon? accepted the fact that our lives had I can understand a slip-I said one become unmanageable. s l i p i n the first three months. You This program hasn’t changed. It’s don’t condone them, neither do you still the same as Bill W. and Dr. Bob pass judgment, but you do understand laid it out. them. How much better it would be If we return to drinking, it’s we who if they didn’t happen! have changed. Somewhere along the However, I can’t for the life of me line we set out to beat down our walls undfrstand a desertion from the pro- of defense. W e scrapped our honesty, gram after three months of sobriety tolerance, faith. W e omitted the spirunless we honestly would rather drink itual power from our daily lives. or we deliberately put the program to E. G., Sf. Pard. Mirru.

The khild who fell out of bed. . . .’ And screamed for help. . . . Hurt from the bump. . . . Frightened because he did not seem to know what had happened . . . . And, as always, when a child calls for help, the patient mother came. . . . And directly, and simply, said: “How, child, did you fall?” And the-child-still frightened-replied: “I must have gone to sleep too close to where I first got in.” R.L., Tulsa, ORla.

August 1953

Where a slip means tzme I AM submitting this article more or that have bccn through this, and are IfromlessAAasmembers an appeal for suggestions qualified to answer it. We have tried who have had to go everything tliat we can think of to help through the various phases of rehabili- these men make a success of their A A ta ion from incarceration to immunity program wliile they are here, yct we ‘I and a place in society. We here at Lon- still have too many coming back. don Prison Farm find that too many We have outside speakers come in of our former active members in AA every other Fridjty night to give talks, are again coming back as parole viola- and hold inside meetings the other two tors because of drinking, and naturally Friday evenings, which cover disruswe would like to dig deep, and try and sion work, panel discussions, Twelve find some solution to the problem. Step instructions for the new members. W e know that while they were in- We try to promote the good fellowship carcerated, these same men participated program which is a necessity in all AA to the greatest extent, taking active programs, and stress the spiritual side parts in all the meetings and many considerably, and our , members are gave very good talks. . . . quite active in all meetings. Whtrt ir it that bri)i.fr these men These slips in here are very imporback? Is it loneline~s?Is it the period tant, as it means months and sometimes of incarceration? Do they have a feel- years lost when a man slips and has to in^ of inferiority when around otherr come back to a penal institution; therewho have beer? free n~ost of their fore, you can see why we are very conliver? Is it lack of companionship with cerned about fellows going out, and J the rfxht person,? not being able to make it on parole. These are some of the questions we I R.W., London Prison h r m , would like to have answered by those London, Ohio.

September 1953

In almost every group in AA there is always a character who earns the cognomen of the “Golden Slipper” ; however, when one considers all things and is observant the same individual always returns to the club-house or his favorite group after a comparatively brief bout with John Barleycorn. He is not given ,an ovation, nor is he in any sense condemned for his having returned once again to AA. As for myself, I have been trying to get the AA program and to enjoy the AA way of life for the last eight ycars. Can I make it? My slips have been so numerous that it would really try the patience of an adding machine; however, no matter how sick and remorseful I feel, I always wend my weary way back to the club-house to associate with the people who understand and whom I appreciate. The older members or “Senators” as they are commonly known in AA here . with whom I have spoken not infrequently advise and encourage me in saying “I will get the program.” I am going to try! Try! Try! once more. M.E.F., Montreal, Canada

October 1953

achieved omniscicncc and beatitude. AA was founded, and for whom it Could they have once, in their less continues to exist. The statements I “An Open LRtrer ro AA” (Iuly Grapevine) asked: “Can a~zyoueex- happier days, beaten and despairing, have quoted make no distinction beplain thz difference belween Twelflh Slep work, workh~gw i ~ ho~hcrs. crawled out of the same gutter from tween “good alcoholics and “bad” and guys and gals who know /he solution b u ~con~inueto drink a d which I came, and to which so often alcoholics, con-men alcoholics and use AA connechons?” Two answers appear below. I returned? It hardly seemed possible, haloed alcoholics; they refer to the for there are often lessons to be practicing alcoholic who still suffers. learned in the gutter, and they had Our function is to help, not to judge. obviously forgotten them. Certainly, no human being (AA or J.F.M. is disturbed because he can- not) can be of much help to another not find an appropriate answer to his towards whom he feels a total lack problem in the Big Book. May I refer of sympathy. But here again, no probhim to a still Bigger Book (Mat. lem exists. We are not called on to like Too Many Saints 18, 21-22) wherein he may learn, by our fellow-members, but to love them, the application of simple arithmetic, and this merely means to have for that only on the occasion of his fellow- them a feeling of active good-will. and Experts member’s 491st slip is he entitled to If we find this small requirement too withhold his forgiveness. If this difficult, we can at least hold our 2,000-year-old hint is not sufficient to peace. solve his precious attitudes toward his Aside from the obvious lack of fellow-alcoholics whose behavior is charity revealed by the letter, its most BELIEVE J.F.M.’s “Open Letter” con- stant slipper,” but I do know that I Ishared tains an expression of sentiments have slipped a suficicnt numler of by a number of alcoholics who times. I have been in AA since Ocdispleasing to him, let him re-read deplorable feature is the unconscious Number Five of the AA’s Twelve picture which the writer gives of him- Traditions: “Each group has but one self. Here, in unmistakable accents, have been successful in maintaining tober 1940, and on one occasion went primary purpose . . . to carry its echoes the prayer of the Pharisee: their sobriety over a period of years. four years without a drink. At pres- message to h e nlcoholic who still “God, I thank thee, that I am not as I feel that it may be timely for this ent, I have not had a drink for nine snBers.” other AAs are, petty blackmailers, group of “the righteous” to re-ex- months. More accuiately, as a friend And if this reference still fails to con-men, clippers, or even as this conamine not only their own motives who has had fifteen years of continu- carry conviction, let us go back to the stant slipper. I am starting my sevand attitudes towards their less fortu- ous sobriety just wrote me, “I haven’t basic principle of AA from its first enth year of continuous sobriety, I nate fellow-members, but also the had a drink to-day.” beginnings: “Our primary purpose is have many times read thc Big Book, I fundamental principles and purposes In my capacity of “constant slip- to stay sober and help other alcoholics still work with my old drinking pals, of AA. per,” during the past thirteen years I to achieve sobriety.” This, then, and help them weather many a rough The Open Letter begins: “I am . . . have been made most acutely conscious should enable J.P.M. to resolve his Monday morning and have compasstarting my seventh year of continuous of the growing army of saints and dilemma. Applying the above state- sion and concern for any drunk who sobriety. I have many times read the experts (I forbear ‘to estimate its num- ments to the case of the erring mem- wants help and I can help.” Am I Big Book (but) nowhere between the bers) which has sprung up in thc ber he has cited, Member X either is being unfair? Turn to the original: . covers am I able to find . . any ranks of AA. I have never ceased to an alcoholic who still suffers, or he is Luke 18. information about how to carry the look with awe and amazement at not. If he belongs to the first cate- Reduced to its essentials, the AA message to constant slippers.” these patterns of behavior, and to gory, as &ems evident, he is clearly program is: Honesty, Humility, and I do not know how many slips arc wonder by what mysterious process of a member of that class from whom ~elpfulness. Let us examine the letnecessary for one to become a “con- reason or self-hypnosis they had

ter in the light of these requirements. would have found a perfect answer to Honesty: It pretends to be a request his question: “It seems to me that we for information; in reality, it serves older members could give a bit more to a) air a grievance, and b) testify encouragement now and then to the to the writer’s personal righteousness. other older members who might be Hltmility: Consider the opening discouraged. Iust a kind word NOW sentence: “I am starting my seventh and then might make all the difleryear of continuous sobriety.” Are we ence.” now staying sober for a year at a C.Q.G., Paris, Frailre ,time? Intrigued by this manner of stating the situation, I examined every statement in the July issue relating to length of sobriety and found that in every instance, save the one just Sow the Seed quoted, the individual referred to the [THIN reasonable limits of my duration of his sobriety in the past W h n a n c i a l ability,, 1 will help anytense. “I refuse lo arcepl the constant one, anytime. There is only one ques- . slipper . . with the same solicitude tion that I feel I should ask and I ask . . . I object to his continued using that of myself: “Who is drunk and of AA contacts.” Is this the tone of who is sober?” When a fellow human the humble, or of the cocksure and the is in a bad spot he needs help right arrogant? then. The Good Samaritan didn’t Helpf#lness: It would be interesting conduct a Congressional investigation to know what alcoholic has been before he took the man from Jerusahelped to stay sober and to carry lem to an inn. the mesage to d h c r alcoholics as the I am doing this work to try to keep result of the Open Letter. Assuming myself sober. If it accomplishes that that it helped the writer, which 1 purpose, then it is worthwhile. doubt, what probable effect would it There is also the additional reward have on the poor unfortunate against that maybe this time the person we whom it was directed? are helping really will make the grade. It is too bad that J.F.M. could not Maybe all we can do is sow some seed have read the same issue of The so that when our subject does “hit Grapevine in which his letter ap- bottom” and is ready to change, he peared. If he had looked at the bot- will know where he can be helped and tom of page 48 (When We Are what to do. Older, H.P.Y.,Tuxaloosa, Ala.) , he W.C. B., Bucyrus, Ohio

Cctober 1953

S. 0. S.’ *same old story old story. drink, I was not going to take another talk to I dccided to writc to The WAfter it’sfive theand same ELL, a half years of drink until I closed my business at 5:30. I drank about twenty beers the Grapevine, and it has helped a lot. (1 am having my “one-man meeting” Don’t cvcr get the idea that you can do it by yoursclf, and bcgin missing sobriety, I quit attending AA rnectings AA meetings. Don’t try and run the about a year ago, stopped reading The next day. Yep, that’s still me, the guy down at my office and even have a “whole show” by yourself. AND Grapevine and to sum it all up, I that thought he knew how to drink. coffee pot going.) When I leave I DON’T EVER FORGET that there is FORGOT THAT I WAS A N AL- Maybe in my case this slip was am going to say the Lord’s Prayer, a power greater than yoursclf, if you COHOLIC. A week ago I took that necessary. Maybe I had to prove to as we do at regular meetings, and- 1 have problems or troubles, because first drink, and actually thought that myself again that I was an alcoholic. believe that I already am beginning if you do, you will find out the hard I could drink again. I even bragged but I think the real reason was that to feel a little better. way, just as I did. about it and told my wife that since I forgot. I forgot all about humility. I would like to add a word to some Roy B., York~olu~t, Texas I had been in AA I knew all the I forgot all about taking an inventory of you “older” members of AA. answers, had become educated upon of myself, instead of others. I forgot the subject of alcoholism, and that all about the power of group psy- I now knew how to drink. chology. In fact, I forgot all of the It didn’t take long, and I was Twelve Steps. I forgot that there was pretty drunk. The second night I had a Power greater than myself, and so I whiskey hid all over the house. W e tried to run my life my way. Well, have our garage built on to the house, it didn’t work. and so I even oiled the springs on I live in a small town, the nearest the door so that my wife would not group is fifty miles from here, and hear me slip out during the night, to I am pretty shaky this afternoon. (I one of my hiding places. Yes, me, the just got out of the hospital two days guy who knew how to drink. During ago). I am having a sort of “onc the day, I never drank beer in the man AA meeting.” I read aloud the downtown places. I slipped out to the Twelve Steps and also the preamble edge of town to out-of-the-way beer that is read at the opening of many joints. The next day, after that first AA meetings. Since I had no one t o

November 1953

ENOUGH ABOUT SLIPS! DON’T like to hear too much talk about slips at my weekly meetings. Last Islips.holiday season we had one meeting when all the speakers were talking of their It got me to thinking that after having been sober three months for the first time in my drinking career, that perhaps I was deserving of a little slip for myself. To me, a slip m m s a set-back, or sudden transition from an upright, straightforward position, to one flat-on-my-back again, looking up at the world around me with that old befogged stare. During my six months of AA I have built up within myself a great fear of that first drink and that h the way I want it to be. I know that that first drink out of the bottle will lead to many more and that would be very sad. Once again I w ~ l d be in the old rat race where no one but John Barleycorn is the winner. So, less talk of slips would be fine, but if one must talk of such things, let’s use the word “set-badc”, for that is a truer word for such a situation. W.E.B., West Springfild, Mars.

December 1953

THREE-TIME GAINER In trying to work the program for the past three years to the best of my ability and understanding I seem to have been one of the so-called “slippers.” Trying sincerely and honestly to find the answer to why 1 slipped, I realized that I had let my will instead of God’s will take over; but again, why? I am so truly grateful for R.W.’s (Daytona Beach, Florida) article “We Are Two People” in the October Cmpevine. That is the answer I have been looking for. In spite of the fact I had three slips, I can be so humbly thankful that through A A and the wonderful p$ople in the fellowship and the literature, I feel I am a “three-time gainer” rather than the ‘old proverbial threc-time loser. D . ~ . E . , Cdver City, Caliiornica

January 1954

take a drink or two without doing pens to four out of the five. any particular harm. Although you But according to the law of aver- H AVE YOU been dry for quite a whatever would be done (not even long time? Is AA becoming a a hangover). Of course, there is little boresome, something that is that fifth chance. . . that one chance think you could do it, you don’t believe they could; you’ve learned ages as we have witnessed it over the years, it just doesn’t stand to certainly needed by most of the that would mean disaster. . .cur- , too much about alcoholics to be- reason that five out of five of these group, but in your case has probably tains . . . the end. But the chances lieve that. Well, if you’ve forgotten AA stalwarts will make the grade. served its purpose? Do you secretly are, four out of five, that wouldn’t how to look at yourself honestly, At least one of the five will never believe that, with all the knowledge happen to you on the first try. let’s look at you through their eyes: come back, and his slip will evenyou now have of alcoholics and al- Now, you think that’s silly? You They don’t believe you could do it, tually end in disaster or death. At coholism, you could probably han- think only a moron would do such either. So the consensus indicates least one of those five is now having dle the stuff? Are you perhaps toying a thing? And what does that have that each of the five will get drunk his last chance at sobriety. with the idea that some day, when to do with your taking a drink, any- and not one of them will emerge You probably agree with that time and place and all other factors way? from the spree a controlled drinker, premise, but “It wouldn’t happen to are just right, you may try it again? Here’s what it has to do with,it, after pulling the trigger and taking me,” you say . . . and “wouldn’t If those are your conscious or my fellow alky: You’re planning a that first drink. happen to me” echoes in four other subconscious thoughts, if you feel much more foolish and danger& So what? Five good AAs, who minds. The grim consensus ‘again that another try at the bottle might game – you’re going to play AA have grown to appreciate their so- indicates that not one of the five be a pleasant thrill, why don’t you roulette. briety, each have a slip. What harm has a better chance than any one try, instead, the thrill of Russian In AA roulette, you must (men- has been done? – to the individuals of the other four. roulette? You know . . . that game tally) select four other players who, themselves, that is. The chances are Of course, the odds are it wouldwhere you put only one bullet in a are “good AAs,” with long periods1 that one or two of them will come n’t be you; four chances out of five, revolver, spin the cylinder, point of sobriety behind them. You would back into AA with no apparent perhaps, this isn’t your absolutely the thing at your temple, and pull bet your last dollar that not one harm having been done at all, per- final opportunity for sobriety; four the trigger. of them would take a drink – ever. haps even stronger for having learn- chances out of five, a slip for you The odds in Russian roulette are But for the sake of this game, we’ll ed a lesson the hard way. We’ll wouldn’t mean death or disaster. very much in favor of the player: presume they have the same idea in stretch a point, for the purpose of Do you want to pull the trigger Four chances out of five, no harm mind that you have, that they could this game, and say that such hap- and find out? 1 don’t. F. W. M., Sharon. PN.

January 1954

The problcni of “staying stoplwil” ha$ been with AAs since the early days, bchvlor:” ‘fie tri~tli is, it is simply Iic has had trmc to learn enough of when each hmtlicr who fell forever by the wayside or rcturncd. briclly and the AA technique and AA philosophy clisrstrously, to drinking raised a terrible question mark for tlir small hand who human naturc! still were not surc that “it works.” The passing of timc revcaletl that a certain It is very wrong to consider many to give him solid footing. But “slips” perccntaRe of relapses (and even fatalities) amnnR arrcstetl alcoholics is as norms1 as i n tlic coursc of other tliseases. An wticlc in :In early Grrrpesine by of the personality traits observed in 1 may also occur after an alcoho ic has Dr. William I h n r a n Silkworth, AA’s bclovrd “littlc dartor who I w r J ~lruriks.” licpor addicts as peculiar to the alco- been a member of AA for many helped ease ahxiety about slips and grcatly forw;~rllctl AAs’ ontlcrstanJinl: ot holic. Emotional and mental quirks months, or even scveral years, and it how to cope with thcm, both i n theniselves and others. The article is reprinted arc classifred as symptoms of alcohol- is in this kind, above all, that one finds in response to numerous requests. ism merely because alcoholics have a marked similarity between the alcothem-yet those same quirks can be holic’s behavior and “normal” victims 1 found among non-alcoholics, too. Ar- of other diseases. ~r~ll y are JytltpIonls of mankind! rhcy N o one is startled by thc fact that Doctor Calls “Slip” More Of course, the alcoholic himself tends to think of himself as different, relapses are not uncommon among arrested tubercular patients. But here is Normal Than Alcoholic somcone special, with unique tendencies and reactions. Many psychiatrists, a startling fact-the cause is often the same as the cause which leads to doctors and therapists carry the same “slips” for the alcoholic. It happrns idca to extremes in their analyses and this way: By William D. Silkworth, M.D.* treatment of alcoholics. Sometimes When a tubercular patient recovers they make a complicated mystery of a sufficiently to be released from the condition which is found in all human sanitarium, the doctor gives him care- HE mystery of slips is not so deep beings, whctl~erthey drink whiskey or ful directions for the way he is to Cive 7 a may appear. While it does seem oc!.; that an alcoholic who has restorcd bnttcrmilk. when he gets home. He must be in ‘Ib be sure, alcoholism like every bed every night by, say, eight o’clock. hinkwlf to a dignified place among his othcr disease does manifest itself ;n He must drink plenty of milk. He fcli~wmen, and continued dry for some unique ways. It does have a must refrain from smoking. He must yea 5, should suddenly throw all his number of baffiing peculiarities which obey other stringent mlqs. ha;.piness overboard and find himsrlf a p 1 0 in mortal peril of drowning in . differ from all other diseases. At the For the first several months, perhaps “Silky” same timc, many of the symptoms and for several years, the patieni follows lit; m – o f t e n thc reason is very simple. much of the behavior of alcoholism directions. But as his strength in- (1873-1 951) I tople are inclined to say: “There are closcly paralleled and even dupli- creases and he feels fully recovered, is ,.,mething peculiar about alcoholics. anything weird about a person who cated in other diseases. he bccomes slack. There may come the TI1 p may seem to be well, yet at any has arrcstcd diabetes. The alcoholic “slip,” as it is known night when he decides he can stay up mo wnt they may turn back to thc~r Let’s get it clear, once and for all. in Alcoholics Anonymous, furnishes a until ten o’clock. When he doe this, old ways. You can never be sure!” that alcoholics arc human beings just perfcct example of how human nature nothing untoward happens. ?he next ‘i liis is largely twaddle. The alco- like othcr human beings-thcn we can can be mistaken for alcoholic behavior. day hc still feels good. He does it hoi;c is a sick person. Under the tech- safcguarcl o u r s e 1 v e s intelligently The “slip” is a relapse! It is a re- again. Soon he is disregarding thc n i y a of Alcoholics Anonymous he against most of the slips. lapse that occurs after the alcoholic directions given him when he left the gcf , well; that is to say, his disease is both in professional and lay circles, has stopped drinking and started on sanitarium. Evenrually, he h s a rearrt .kd. There IS nothing unpredict- thcre is a tmdcncy to label everything the A A program of recovery. “Slips” Inpse! able about him any more than there is that an alcoholic may do as “alcoholic usually occur in the early stages of the The same tragedy can be found in *rrprintrd from The Graprvinr, Val. 111, N o . 8, Jan. 1947 alcoholic’s A A indoctrination, before cardiac cases. After the heart attack.

t l ~ cpaticnt 1s put o n a strrct rcst schctl- tubcrculxr bchavior or a sctord h a r t attack to cardiac bchavior. ulc. I:rightcnctl, he naturally follow; tlirrvtioris obctl~cntl~ for a long time. Thc alcoholic “slip” is not a symp- WIMSZ;Ppd Tell About It He, too, gocs to Lwd early, avoids ex- tom of a psychotic condition. Thcrc’s I L O S T MY G R I P ercise such as walking up stairs, quits nothing “screwy” about it at all. The smoking and leads a Spartan life. patieill s i t ~ p l yd i d d l jollo~udirections. , Eventually, though, there comes a day For the alcoholic, AA offers the I h ~ v cbecn fortunate in regaining abled mc to enjoy those many months after he has been fceling good for directions. A vital factor, or ingredi- my sobricty and a ccrtain degree of of sobriety and thosc many months of months, or several years, when he ent, of thc preventative, especially for peace of mind, since my tumble last a new way of life. I was failing to , feels he has rcgained his strength and the alcoholic, is sustained cmotion. fall. Only too wcll did I know why I recognize the importance of a Higher has also recovered from his fright. If Thc alcoholic who lcarns some of the got drunk. On the surface, certainly, Powcr in relation to my1 recovery. t l ~ celevator is out of repair one day, tcchniquc or the mechanics of AA but there were circ~imstancesthat caused mc When the climax came, as the result hc walks up the three flights of stairs. to take that first drink but, my problem of dlowing thcse circumstances to enmisscs thc philosophy or the spirit may Or, he decides to go to a party-or do gct tired of following directions-not was to 6nd out why, after many ter into my life and the remorse and just a little smoking–or take a cock- becausc hc is alcoholic but bccause hc months of trying to practice the princi- my intolerable thoughts were gnawing tail or two. If no serious after-effccts is human. Rules and regulations irk ples of AA, I allowcd thcse circum- at my heart and my soul, I turned ro follow the first tlcparturc from the almost anyone, because they arc rc- stances to creep into my life. Oh yes, the Good Shepherd for help but he rigorous schedulc prescribcd he may straining, prohibitive, negative. The my wifc’s illness and the knowledge wasn’t there, for I had driven him out try it again, until he suffers a relapse. philosophy of AA, however, is positive of her ultimate death were indeed con- of my tiouschold and turncd the key. and provides ample sustained cmotion tributing factors, but not wholly res- How had 1 done that? Because these In both cardiac ~ n d tubercular cases, -a sustained desire to follow dircc- ponsiblc. Those facts should havc been circumstances I speak of were preventthe acts which led to thc relapses were tions voluntarily. sufficient to keep me sober. ing me from practicing the principles prcceded by wrong thinking. The In any event, the psychology of thc Early last fall, with this wrong of AA. I had indeed lost my contact. patient in each case rationalized himalcoholic is not as different as some thinking, I started to feel sorry for my- I couldn’t be a hypocrite. The seed was self out of a scnse of his own perilous rcalrty. He dclibcrately turned away people try to make it. The disease has self. Hadn’t I done a pretty good job sown. The damage was done. So, I ccrtain physical differences, yes, and in AA? Hadn’t I been sober for over drank to cxape from my hellish an from this knowledge of the fact that hc had becn the victim of a serious the alcoholic has problems pcculiar to five years? Hadn’t I done this and tortuous thoujihts. P disease. He grew over-confidcnt H e him, perhaps, in that he has bccn put . hadn’t I done that? One of my most Another pathetic thing was the fact decided he didn’t have to follow direc- on thc dcfensive and consequently has vicious shortcomings was active again that, when I realized some time prevideveloped nervous frustrations. But, in and was tearing my heart and soul ously that I was off the program, I t ions. many instances, there is no more rea- apart . . . self-pity. When I found said to myself “Oh well, I’N get back Now that is precisely what happens son to be talking about “the alcoholic someone who was willing to sympa- on again, I have been sober for over with the alcoholic-the arrested alcomind” than there is to try to describe thize with me, that self-pity became an five years, I will never drink again no holic, or the alcoholic in AA-who something called “the cardiac mind” obsession, bringing with it further im-, matter what happens.” It is pathetic, has a “slip.” Obviously he decides aginations of my miserable lot in life. isn’t it? And when I took that first again to take a drink somctimc before or “the t.b. mind.” I started to lose my grip. I was be- drink, I knew I was in trouble ‘and I he actually takes it. He starts thinking I think we’ll hclp the alcoholic more ginning to lose my contact with a immediately went back to the thinking wrpng before he actually embarks on if we can first rccognitc that he is Higher Power. I was failing to accept of the days prior to AA: “probably the course that leads to a “slip.” primarily a human being-amided the things I couldn’t changc. I was take me a couple of weeks to pull out There is no mdre reason to charge with human nature! failing to recognize the source from of this, but I will.” I was forgetting the “slip” to aIcoholic behavior than (Two AAs dtrcrrr their own where 1 derived my hclp, that had en- that this thing called alcoholism is of there is to lay a tubercular relapse to slips on jollowing pages)

I wanted to get back but couldn’t find drink, but by the state of thinking that a progressive n.ltu~c.tnd tnstc;~d of n gen Lo livc . . . now thcy wcrc going the way. God aeppcd into the picture I allowed my mind to get into 2nd forcoliplc of wccks. ~t lasted two months to givc nlc some ol thc poison l h t put and said “You have had enough.” and riglit to the ((;I);. mc in that contlition and I was vcry getting the Twelve Steps and the AA with his infinite mercy, Rave me one Draver. l’wo montlis in which my good hilppy . i h t tlic idca. TIw unqucstion- more chancc. ~ v e r ~ o n ;isn’t as fortu- 1 I

fricnds tricd cntllessly to assist me. able cvitlcncc of a vicious and cnstdi- I I . I ~ as th;~t …. It is all right to have an open mind. Hospitalized thrcc timcs and I know it ous disease at work! but keep something in it. have had was on the tip of every tongue . . . l’wo days latcr 1 was crazy with the George D.,Toronfo~C4”adn three or four sponsors during the ~ a w George is not going to make it. D.T.’s-the result of the liquor and four years andthey have t r i d h a r i to Through it all God was so merciful. the pills they wcrc giving me and the :i: : $ help me, some giving me up as hope- H e granted me a week’s repricvc. extra liquor I was able to get in to that less, I guess. Sober. To be with my wife and to hospital without thcir knowlctlgc. That A SLIP I S A DRUNK I thank God and thc sponsor thak i hold her in my arms before she went night was thc worst night of my alco- have had for the past years Or After having my first drinks apto the operating room, to be there holic career, the dctails of which are more for having the faith and counge waiting for her whcn they brought her too lengthy to rclatc. However after proximately twcnty-two years ago I am now convinccd that I was an alcoholic to carry on in the face of abuse and back, to be with hcr continuously for many nccdles thcy finally got me from the starl, as my life during this criticism, not only from her own f u n tlic next two days, to be knceling be- knocked out and I staycd knockcd unside her bed with my children, praying, ti1 the ncxt morning. ere is the part time certainly was unmanageable. I ily, but AA members as well and from went on my merry ( ? ) way, finally me, too, when drunk. when she took her last brcath. I will 1 have bccn lcading you up t o . . . I awakcnctl that morning to a tcr- hitting the Rig House, jails and re- A few months ago, coming off a always bc grateful that, in face of all formatory, losing and quitting numcr- spree that lasted around ten ecks, I my trouble, I was allowed to be with rible realization of an awful tragedy her to the very last. Indeed it was just that had happened the night bcforc at ous jobs. saw my sponsor several times on thcT’ a reprieve . . . 1 drank again after hcr my homc. It was a tcrrifying thing. I cntcrcd A A a little over four years weekend, and we certainly did a lot of burial. I Finally I had to call the nurse in to ago and stayed sober two to three I dccidcd I had had enough I was finally hospitalized in an out- confirm the whole thing and to cn- months at a time, then out drinking and was sick being sick. After dodeavor to gct the full details fromller, for a few days and back to AA once ing a lot meditating and praying h of-town hospital. I havc no recollcc- help and guidance, I received it after tion of entering that institution. I as 1 figurcd she kncw thc whole story. again. The drunks started comiu8q awakened once during thc first night She just stood staring at mc w h ~ l cI closer and closer and each one lasting Over four long Years drinking and tlicre and the only thing I rcmcmbcrerl gave hcr my vcrsion and finally said longcr, and back to A A again, often suffering. can make the “Mr. I)., you havc had ,a terriblc night- more drunk than sober. program without practicing the Twelve at that waking momcnt was an oxygen marc. Nothing like that has happcned Steps, especially Steps Three and tank beside my bed. Then I slipped During the four years 1 tried to help Eleven, I do at all.” I kncw shc was telling mc the whoever I could and carry the message, know. away into oblivion again. The nurscs and my doctor told me the ncxt morn- truth. I sank back on the pillow and helped another member and pal of I have mently found out that part ing I had to be givcn oxygen twitc ottcrcd aloud, “Thank God!” T h c next mine to form a new group, and secured of the A A program is “to be critiud during the night to keep me alive thing 1 kncw I was holding my liands several meeting places, among which and to accept it,” and that contented liter that day the doctor suggested I in front of mc without shake or trcni- is my own group, but as far as help- sobriety comes from peace of mind. 1 should bc tiven some liquor ‘to help or, the butterflies wcrc all gone from ing mysclf and getting the A A pro- am quite happy and contented now me straighten out, as he didn’t think my stomach and again I said aloud, gram, it was impossible. by working the program the wav it that 1 should be cut off so fast. I rc- “Today I don’t want a think.” These so-called “slips” are nothing should be,one guihnce day at~a otime. asking dfor help(;nd mcmber I welcomed the idea with I Iiavcn’t wanted one since. A combut just plain ordinary “drunks.” prcat enthusiasm. A few hours before plctc rclcasc. My answer. I madc some bad mistakcs. 1 paid a terrible price. brought on not by taking the firs1 D. Mar., Welland, Onf. Croup they found it necessary to givc me oxy-

May 1954

pleasing experience it is something soft. The party began at W for aa member HAT of AA to’ catch nZne and at one-thirty the two AAs some chance remark from a stranger or discovered common ground ! Had there new acquaintance, which results in a been some pat, but not too obvious, good visit with a member from some expression of turn-down the needed other town or city! fellowship could have developed much And, what a horrible thought it is carlier. that each of us may miss such visits AA is not a secret society with passbecause there is no common phrase for words, hand-grips, rituals, etc. but the identification purposes. identification word could be nicely The writer has occasion to talk with standardized and made known to all many strangers each’pear and since groups. becoming an AA member has found It must be an expression which will m y new friends by developing some not be picked up by everyone as someexpression into the revelation that he thing smart. and the visitor enjoy a common bond. For this reason, and with respect to Still it is by slim chance that such those who use the terms, the writer information is exchanged. It is my does not think “Make mine a nonbelief that we should have a world- skid” or “I’m a coffee guzzler” quite wide expression when speaking of or fill the bill. I would prefer something turning down a drink so that other on a milder but equally definite order I listening members would immediately such as “It’s not for me.” know that here is a friend. The Foundation has minds which I need give only one instance to are much more nimble than mine and illustrate the problem: Last year the I hand the problem along in hope that writer and his wife were at a party at the many groups will shortly be adour golf club seated with six or seven vised of one or more verbal means of other couples at a large table. The identification when we might be in the writer and a visitor from out of town prcsence of other, perhaps lonely, were repeatedly turning down the members. drinks and taking coke. nineer-ale or I . Mrl.. Kenora. Onlario

May 1954

xxcusx mx if I usx thx lxttxr ‘xn instxad, which is confusing only in words likx xxcusx). As I was saying, it tastxd finx, just finx. Say, takx it from mx, you dopxs don’t know what you’rx missing. Yt (damn, Y just tryxd to fyx thx lxttxr that comxs aftxr “hn and pullxd yt out by thx roots, so wyll havx to usx “ynYnstxad.) Wxll, you’rx myssyng plxanty. Boy, Y havxn’t fxlt thys good yn a long whylx, and dxspytx zll (thx fyrst lxttxr of thx zlphzbxt just czmx out yn my hznd, too, so wyll usx thx lzst lxttxr of thx zlphzbxt ynstxzd, but thzt’s no problxm yf you zrx zs sobxr zs Y zm, why thzt ys no problxm yf you zrx, zrx you?) 2nd dxspytx all thzt you ZZ’xrs szy zbout zvoydyng thx fyrst drynk, yt hzs not zffxctxd mx zt zll, zs you czn sxx by my lucyd prosx. Pardon mx for lxzvyng thx typxrytxr, but Y Correspondence C o u r s e just hxd to throw thx txlxphonx out thx wyndor. Yt wzs ryngyng, znd Y czn’t zbydx yntxrruptyons whxn Y zm yn z crxztyvx mood, zs Y zm now, czn you? Dear Editor: Wxll, Y zm not goyng to wzstx z wholx You AA’ers think you know it all, I suppose. xvxnyng txllyng you ZZ’xrs zbout my nxv-found All this talk about not even one tiny drink frxxdom whxn Y czn bx down zt Jox’s myth thosx after being dry as English humor for seven whole fynx fxllows Y’vx dxsxrtxd for z wholx wxxk. days. Nonsense. I am going to take a drink Z wholx wxxk! My wifx hzs bxxn gonx zlmost two and prove you wrong. wxxks. Shx xvxn took hxr czr, so Y’11 hzvx to There. That tasted fine. Rich, smooth, czll z tzxyczb. mellow. It tasted wonderful. It tasted like So long znd goodbyx, you ZZ dopxs! another. Ah, that was even better. The first one HZPPY~YYours burned just a teensy-weensy bit. To be honest, W. S. R–X this one did a very little bit, too. I don’t (Sczrsdzlx) think the next one will. P.S. Dzxr Xdytor: Whylx Y hzd my bzck turnxd I was right. It didn’t burn a bit. It was wrytyng thys to you, somx dyrty thyxf stolx my a tumbler full, too. It tastxd (I just bustxd txlxphonx! Now Y’11 hzvx to wzlk to Jox’s thx lxttxr that comxs aftxr “d,” so you will plzcx.

September 1954

AA, but if one forgets for an instant If you arc sobcr, which you likely this warning, he has “had it.” will bc when you r e d this, think of Everything, yes everytl~ing, hinges tllcse fcw lines if at all possible when on this. If you don’t take h a t first that craving strikes, when all one has one, thcrc wdl be no sczond one, no to do, as a recent article stated, is thous~ndth onc. Hundrcds of AA “walk into a bar and start to drink.” members, at least men and wonicn who Rancmbcr, don’t-don’t take the first sonlctmcs, l i d the aforcmtntioned one. length of sobr~cty,,ire dead today be- And how do we accomplish this? cause with it all, thcy forgot those five How do we stay the hand that reached DON’T TAKE little words. Hundrcds of others are back groping in the half-world of for the bottle or glass? By prayer, simple words will do it. They have, alcohol because in a weak unguarded to this time of writing for me. They nloment, they forgot that it isn’t the will, they will for you! Simplicity THAT FIRST DRINK! third or fourth or hundredth, but the itself, all one needs to say and mean first one that spells doom. it-yes, mean it. “Oh God, help me- After nearly five ycars, all I want now-to refuse that first drink.” to get across to you and you and you, Herc, the key to life itself in a simbe you millionaire or pauper, intellec- ple phrase, a tnagic all-powerful adtual or unlearned, one day dry or monition for cvery alcoholic the world eighteen years sober, if you want to over-“Don’t-Don’t take the first soon be five years since I had In every other line of endeavor we Ithismywill T last drink. As 1 look back over ask for and are impressed by length period, I have .tried to arrive at of experience on the theory that experiattain permanent sobriety, Just Don’t Take That First One. one.” H.C., Morinr Forest, Orrtario, Carr’rda certain basic~conclusionsthat might be ence is knowledge. So why not in helpful to newcomers who may read AA? When 1 hear a man with years this piece. Out of some 120,000 AA of sobriety say that he suggesk or members thcrc arc probably nearly recommends certain mcthods of workthat many various interpretations of ing the AA program, my reactions are the program, but each one has a com- favorable because I know that he has mon aim: to attain contented sobriety. tested his methods and thcy have While there are two distinct school^ . worked . . because he is still sober. of thought on the value of length of So, for what it is worth, I wish to sobriety, I for one put grcat stress on suggest to every AA member regardit. Frequently I have heard it implied less of how long he or she has been that when members mentioned the associatcd with this grcat movement to number of years they have been sober, keep in mind this slogan: “Don’t take they arc boasting. Personally, I do not the first one.” T o me, it is the keynote think so. One of the first things I to permanent sobriety. like to know about a speaker is how One can have noble ambitions, one FIRST THINGS long has he been dry … what length can be able to talk errdlessly on the FIRST of study and experience has he behind glories of thc spiritual side, the eduhim to back up his vicws. cational side and every other angle of

October 1 9 5 4

of raw dirt the flowers never quite pick-me-ups in the morning. Round hide. Two, Three, Four, Five and Six all The fight started when I left AA. I went against me via the hidden bottle, didn’t go off on a bender; as a matter liquid breakfast, wrecked water wagon, of fact, I “wasn’t really leaving the withdrawal from society and bitter reprogram at all.” No, you see, I moved sentments route. I started to take a away from New York City to Mary- really fearful beating in Round Seven land and when I reached here I made with blackouts, wide-awake night- DECISION inquiries and learned that the nearest mares, institutions and, finally, cute AA group was in Baltimore, about little numbers called grand ma1 contwenty-five miles away. Sure, I could vulsions-dmk fits. IN 8 ROUNDS travel to Baltimore or, better yet, I Now, all this time I hew I could could find some other alcoholics in my end this torture by throwing in the neighborhood and start a new group. towel and going back to AA. 1 knew But. . . that was the only way I could save my Well, I had the program. The Big sanity, my life. Did I admit defeat? Book was always within teach and I Not until one more endless, horrible, IT a WAS ttough fight, friends, but I lost-thank God! In the next round, or the next, or the next, I’d find that secret punch that had the Twelve Steps down pat and delirium-ridden year had ground past. I had no thirst at all. So why go to the Finally, God be thanked now and I mean the eight-round fight I made millions of other fighters like me had bother of driving to Baltimore; why forever, came the day when I stayed against coming back to AA, counting hunted for and never found. With that get involved in setting up a new down and shook my head groggily and a year for each round. Uh-huh, eight one, wonderful wallop I’d kayo Kid group? It would take time I couldn’t said: “I’ve had it.” That was the day rounds and every one of them a loser, Alcoholism and win the title of Alco- afford and these new neighbors of I crawled to the phone and called AA with me on the canvas more often than holic-TurnedControlled-Drinker. mine might start looking askance at and gasped: “I need help.” I was on my feet and beaten, blinded In the meantime-boom-I was me if I began buzzing around in search Eight years before I had had it and bloody when I did manage to get down again and they were hurrying the of brother alcoholics. proved to me that I would get help up to paw feebly at Kid Alcoholism count on me a little more with each And-you’ve probably guessed it- from AA when I called for it. I got it in a fight I never could win. knockdown. One of these times it was there was the sneaking suspicion that now, when I quit my 1ong.fight. I’m Everybody yelled “Stop it!” but not going to be onetwothreeOUT and that now I could handle a drink as well as still getting it with every meeting I me! N o sir, I’d never throw in the would be the end of the fight and clear the next man. It had becn my hitch in attend, in my county, in Baltimore, In towel, admit that alcohol had me beat. the ring for the next guy who was sure the war, the hectic job I’d had, the Washington, wherever I am. I’m gethe had the secrct punch. hurly-burly of Manhatt~nlife; it had ting help from the first sincere prayers Eight rounds-yeah, they left their been this, it had been that, ad injni- I’ve ever offered in my .life, from the marks on me, all right, but better the tum, ad naxscam. Now, here in Mary- unbounded friendships I’ve reclaimed scar tissue I wear than what I would land, with a country home and hunting in AA, from the serenity that grows have suffered if I’d tried to stretch that and fishing and good dogs and gra- and grows until right now, in this bout a little further. Because there arc cious living among nice people, it twenty-four hours, I am so full of no split decisions in this racket. When would be different. grateful happiness that I say again: the word is OUT, it means OUT- It was a tough fight, friends, but I Why bore you. Gentle Reader, with Skid Row at best, or the “disturbed the details? I lost Round One when I lost-thank God ! ward” or, most mercifully, the mound D. T., Anadpolis, Md. started gulping what are cheerily called

November 1954

IT’S LIKE RABBITS

l’hc conversation I am about to relate occurred a few years ago in t l ~ cNorth Hollywood Club House. It was told to me and I never forgot it, I have used it in talks countless times and it occurred to me you might be able to use it in your Grapevine. D-went into the club and sat down. A-said, “What’s the matter you look worried!” D-said, “I am. 1 got enough troubles to sink a battle ship. I don’t know what I’m going to do. And if you want to know the truth a good drunk seems the most sensible thing in the world right now.” A-“so you got troubles. Tell me, just how many troubles do you have ?” D–“What do you mean-how many!” A– -“Just that. Sit down here now and count up your troubles. How many are there?” D-“Well, uh . . . thcre’s one big one … and, uh… there’s , rnothcr almost as big. And there’s this one … .. and that . well, tl~crr’sfive, yes five troubles that I can think of off hand.” A—“So you have five troubles. Now I’ll tell you what to do. You $0 down to the corner and you take a drink. Then you’ll have sixand from then on its like rabbits!” M.E.B., New YorR Cily

February 1 9 5 5

the rumor spread around that I was drunk! BEWARE RUMORS The true reason for my condition For about two weeks I have missed was revealed in various physical tests going to AA meetings. After making given to me: low blood pressure, low sobriety my life’s business for the past blood count, diabetes and arthritisfour years and seven months, I have plus a few other latent ailments, a just realized how much I missed those combination of which would makc meetings and what they mean to me. even a self-confident ex-alcoholic stag- Fortunately, I have not had a slip, ger, weaken, and be-fog! but merely a nervous and physical I was beginning to feel full of selfbreakdown which has been just as bad. pity and very resentful: this should Like all alcoholics, I had reached that happen to me? Upon hearing the point where I egotistically felt nothing rumor I was bitterly hurt, but my could lick me again. boss and my AA friends thought it I have found such comfort in por- extremely funny. I found no humor ing over the October Grapevine. When in it, however, but not because of me. one is out of touch with the group I was sober and I knew it, and had one feels lost, and since I have been never had any intention, with God’s ill, I have been staying in the country help and that of AA, of losing my with relatives. I called up a nearby precious sobriety. group but, though they promised to The vicious rumor might have hurt phone me later and let me know if others, even some of my own fellow members who believed it, but I wormy niece could accompany me to a meeting I never heard irom them ried especially over the new members agiin. who had looked up to me-and I Before realizing that something was hope still do–as an example of conthe matter with me, I had gone tinued happy sobriety. around for a week befogged, stagger- Why are AA members so quick to believe and repeat rumors? In my ing and with little co-ordination. One day I went to work in a very confused own case the rumor was untrue, but state. I was far from my usual effi- even if the rumor you hear is true, cient, scli-confident, zestful self, .ind why not practice some of our AA tolerance and charity and keep our faith in the higher power? D.B., Atlantic City, h’eru lersey

March 1 9 5 5

fall into a lesser evil to keep us from a greater one.’ i don’t know what was involved in your negative frame of mind but that was worse than the slip, chances are. During that time that you were Letter From An Uncle dry to all intents you were succceding and yet may have been in much greater peril than during the slip-I’m talking about the time you were dry while still in that frame of mind. “What is the ‘destructive thought?’ You didn’t call it by name to me. Have you called it by name yourself? ‘Have you pinned the HIS is the first letkr that I have s.0.b. down so yo11 could see it and walk around it and look it orer? October back in the year 1945. “There’s something else. We admitted we were powerless over T e w written to any publication as My last relapse occurred about five writing is out of my line, but I have alcohol. All right, according to that you were through several years years ago after twcnty-two months of ago. You yourself, so far as what you could do, were through. Came felt obligated to pass on to you my own experience with the hope that absolute dryness. I have a nephew who is a minister and because of me . to believe that a Power greater than ourselves. . . So, something something here may “click” with some else comes into thc picture. I’m through; I have no power-but there he had taken an unusual intcrcst in is a Power. There’s a new elenlent in the picture. And evidcntly that other AA who can’t get his feet back AA, since our feeling towards each on the solid foundation of our pro- second thought is as true as the first because you have been dry a other were mt1c.11s l o ~ rthan the avei- long time . . . dry a long, long time for a guy who said I have no gram after a relapse. (Let’s stick age uncle-nephew relationship. At with the phraseology since we call power! All right, now there has been a slip (and just between you about tlic t i l l end of my drinking on and me 1 hope it was a stem-winder) and you’re burned. up with alcoholism an illness.) this relapse I wrote him a lettcr. What My inability, .or reluctance -and yourself for being just a plain damn fool and even more burned up I said in the letter I do not rcnlember, becausc you realire self-condemnation is not ~ o o J .Well now l ~ k . possibly a large dosc of both-to grasp but why I wrote it is still very clear: a satisfactory spiritu.11 ‘conccp: kept for a fellow who couldn’t do anythins in the first place because he I wanted sympathy. His reply came didn’t have the power and yet has been sober a Ions time because the^ me in hot water mentally, and on by return mail and the following experiodic binges physically, for four is a Power-then just to want to go back to the admission that it tracts from his lettcr I!/ve made a was a mistake, a human error, isn’t going back far cnough. Coesn’t it years after I hollered “c.df rope” in tremendous difference in my life: call for going all the way back? I not only was, I AM powerless. But there is a Power. He came through once; He’ll come through again. “Your letter came this morning. I was sorry to hear about your Maybe my calling it a mistake is a sign of my wmting to get back slip, but-and I don’t think it is ignorance on my part-I’m not into the driver’s seat and saying that I will take orer the driver’s seat particularly upset about it. I’m not upset because I believe AA is again. Maybe. So it’s a11 the way back to the beginning. I am powerrooted in you too deeply for you to ever get away from it. If I didn’t think that I would be upset. . less . . there is a Power. “You did not ask for advice m d I am not giving any, but I would “. . . That part about ‘trying to AA too many people.’ AA isn’t my good to anybody unless a man yields himnlf to it lwk, stock and like to say a couple of things that came to me as I read your letter. barrel. Why is there a fallacy in the old saying, ‘It is more blessed One is that it may be J. darn good thing that you slipped. Old Church to give than to receive? This is hitting below the belt and I know Fathers used to hare a saying that is so old that it is seldom used it but I don’t mean it that way. Is it because your pride has been any more and it goes something like this: ‘Sometimes God lets us hurt in not being able to give as you would like to? If that is SO,

then 1 could only say what is in my heart and I feel is in the heart of others too: I would rather a man would give me his love and trust than any other gifts in the world Don’t sell the heart short in a material world. Whether we like it or not people are still people and so little, and weak, and.lonely, and afraid.”

This letter started me thinking and To get on the beam we must go brought me to the realization that a back in our [thinking and actions a simple personal relationship with God little beyond where the relapse really -as I understand Him-was my an- started. I believe that is the only way. swer. No frills, no dogma, no magic I think this accounts for the fact that wands-just God and me. the longer an AA has been dry before To have a relapse and expect to the relapse the more difficult it is to pick up our AA life at the point become well again. where we took the first drink won’t Since this letter came to me five get it. Almost without exception the years ago I have not had a drink. So relapse begins from twentyfour hours long as I keep these thoughts in my to six months before we take the mind I don’t think I will. physical drink. A.C.B., Lirrle Rock, ArAansar

March 1955

%” – —

, . ATTITUDE I. Sohrcrp ,\lrrrr Cortrr also be in the pature. Kel~et itom -*. First-For Aft?. The member who tries physical pain sometimes seems to be yd to make AA a second or third class an excuse to drink-not a suRcient hobby,usudly has trouble. W e have a excuse of course-but it serves the ky ‘ Number One problem and we have to aIcoholic who wants a reson. ?- treat i t as such. Sobriety cannot defer This kind of nervous or painful con- 2 to job, family, friends, neighbors, pain, dition is familiar to most alcoholics. I embarrassment, anonymity4r to any- Some who have been dry many y e ~ s thing else! If we do not have sobriety have to put up with it from time to ‘ we ultimately will not have any of the time. They recognize the situation, things we hold dear. While the “high- however, and know that the feeling Tgroupnewcomer HE has not been in the very long but he has h a r d a bottom*’ drinker may not have lost will pass. Newer members may not, .much of anything-yet-some day he be so sure, but they should resolve not good deal about slips and has begun to worry about himself. Someone may lose everything if he continues to to drink even if they are going to die should inform him emphatically and drink. If he gets sober and stays sober on the spot. Not many alcoholics acauthoritatively, V o u don’t have to then everything else usually falls into tually die in this manner, but when dip!” place and the more he has of other you are willing to die for your sobriety There arc a few other members, not things the more he can enjoy them. you will probably stay sober. ” newcomers but men and women who Hence, the member who really wants ATTITUDE 111. I lVill Snfrr Any have been around six months to two to stay sober should place sobriety as Ernbarrrrssn~e~zt For My Sobriety. Fear hi$ first objective and then rearrange of what friends or associates will think his life accordingly. or say has led many alcoholics to take Slips often oc&r,when r member a drink. They fear the pink ears and does not f q well. .He is nervous, burning checks. They conjure up in – jittery, about to explode. A second their minds all the accumulated ridicule situation that prompts a drink is one of their colleagqes. This type of situaof expected personal embarmssment. tion is a great mental hazard for many The alcoholic is out with friends or new members and others not so new. business associates and he just cannot They can survive these situations if aside and shout politely, “Yorr don’t bers ovkr a period of nine years, I have say ‘No.” The next two attitudes they will cultivate the following line the feeling that continuous sobriety is, – relate to these frequently-encountered of thought: One of the persuasive bits of evi- in part at least, a matter of attitude situations. “l’ve wffered terrible embarnssmmt dence that slips are unnecessary is the and that those attitudes can be culti- A ~ D li.EI 1v;ll suffer ~ h ; in ~ the past because of my drinking. If I Jrink again I will suffer still simple fact that thousands of members vated by the member who really wants Pain. It will Pdrs. Even If I Die NOW .grater cmbarwsment in the future. have two, six, ten. and more years of to stop drinking. The member who I Will Die Sober. The nervous situa- So why not suffer a little embaruninterrupted sobriety, Some of them does not want to stop drinking should tion is the bais of many slips. ne rssment for sobriety? I will refuse that drink even if a dozen people a q n o t vcty smart–maybe not as smart go eelsewhere for advice. alcoholic begins to shake mentally and point to me with scorn. E v a if I as the slippers-but they are sober. What are those attitudes? They may sometime physically. He gets so ex- fall down in confusion and disgrace. While it is easy to say that slips arewry with the individual but the fol- cited he nearly loses his reason. He I Will ‘lrink!” unnecessary, how do you avoid them? lowing pattcrn should fit a ,good many feels as though he might go right Actually, the frightful embarrass- After oberving hundreds of A A mern- cases. ;” through the ceiling. Physical pain may ment with which the ~1coholic mentally 9

uc\cr W C U I ~ – I ~ L / /All / f l y l / ~ ‘ t / ‘ f ~ l ~ c ‘ l~ O L I I C wrcstlcs p r ~ ~ t a a l l y LICH 1IICII1- They emphasize to us that huriev that Higher Power through suppIica. the alcoholic must be preparcd for it. bers mry;not be rcady for thosc Stcps s u s t be our first concern and that to tion and &&giving. If he resolves to die of embarrassment which relate to the Higher Power. For ,brain it we should be willing to You don’t L v e to slip and if you rather than to take a drink he will them the cultivation of Attitude V d e r any pain or embarrassment. We cultivate thew five suggested attihlda, almost certainly stay sober. may have to be delayed; but they can 😕 to earn our sobriety by giving of you probably won’t! , A’ITITUDE IV. Sobriety Mlrrt Be probably read this short section with- I xmelves generously rather than stingib It’s worth a try, anyway. Lrned. Sobriety cannot be bought with out doing violence to their principles. and we maintain close contad with Anonymous, Scarsdale, N. Y. Some of us who enjoy sobriety ask .. money. Many of us tried that to no avail. But sobriety has its price and if that Higher Power each morning for we try to buy it too cheaply it may grace to get through another day. “No elude us. matter what happens, don’t let me take Hence, if I attend two meetings a that first drink today-no mat/er wbat we& and do not get sober I will step happens!” up my program to four or five meet- At night we give thanks for the day ings and Plso incraw my other AA just gone and look forward to the moractivity: work in the kitchen, chauffc~r row, humbly asking Him “for twentyothus to meetings, go to lunch with four more hours of sincerity, sobriety, other membm, help at Intergroup, and serenity”; asking His he’lp tomakc hospital calls, read M literature morrow to rrimprove the qudlity as a few minutes each day, use the tele- well as t~ increase h e quantitj’ of our phone more (particularly if I am sobriety. debating about a drink) and so on. W e don’t feel compelled to limit our This intensification of activity has requests to the morning and evening. particular applicability to members When we enter that restaurant with who have been around some time but the boss and two VPs; when we waik with limited success. They may be try- off the eighteenth green and head for ing to buy sobriety too cheaply. It the dubhouse; when we feel alone in usually can’t be done. Sure, Joe stays that distant city; what is wrong with dry without going to many meetings. repeating, “No matter what happens, Some few shy dry on their own . . . don’t let me take that first drink!” That is conscious contact with God! but wbat brll that to do with me? If a member finds he is not “getting It is as simple as that. And it won’t the program” he should consider do the slipping agnostic or atheist whether he ought to increase the vol- mu& damage. Who knows, it may ume of his AA activity. In other get him sober. Nothing else has, so words, g i v e n o t money-but of him- what has he to lose? self, more generously. Naturally this These five attitudes by no meals fuller scope of activity may mean some tell the whole story. Some members sacrifice. Perhaps that too is necessary. may have to think through other ap- A’ITITUDE V. Try To Put Greater proaches for themselves but these five Empbusis on Personal Contuct with arc bqic to a wide range of cases.

March 1955 – -.-return bout with John Barleycorn, may – -disturbing additional detours have escaped a drink and eventually a have occurred. drunk, by a much narrower margin than they realize. Though very anxious to Before going further, I would help, we have been somewhat like to add another entirely personal puzzled, as I am sure our opinion. I am extremely skeptical of friend has, as to why the the statement I have frequently heard successful return has seemed so that a mXiIber of AA, after a considerable period of sobriety and different in view of the real Participation in the program, desire to regain the type of believed that perhaps he or she could good sobriety that lasted over now become a social drinker. This a long period. It is very Sort of thinking usually leads to a baffling but in our talk we disas test of the idea, and never, so far as I know, a successful tried to find the missing One. It appears to me this is the clues. Plain rationalization of a m&er who Several factors, I think has wanted to drink again more than were d~scovered. One was that to ?=main sober and I just don’t , the first enthusiasm of the believe the individual honestly thinks the experiment will work. newcomer in the initial phase – Recently, 1 had an enlightening the “pink cloudN stage, if you talk with a very close AA friend like – is not easily re- — who, after many years of- obtainable after the passing of

c~YeT&ng is fine . . . :, continuous sobriety and an years. Something more concrete apparent lasting conviction of is needed: perhaps the hard not wanting or needing to drink fact of always continuing to Ed. note: I n response to many letters, w e asked a n AA with thirteen again, took the fatal first try to face reality which we drink some six months ago. all avoided for so long. We are years’ unbroken sobriety to tackle a tough subject. — apt to have relapses in that why, after long periods of serious difficulty, in this department prior to actual seemingly contented sobriety, do AA instance, did not overtake my members have relapses? It may be friend for several months but trouble with our old escape presumptuous for any AA member to mechanism, the bottle. then inevitably Some of the old Another probability in attempt an answer to this $64 question but their does appear to be pattern reasserted itself. At a thiscase was that the several a need for frequent consideration of new desperation point AA was episodes of drinking, even this problem to help particularly the again sought out; the drifting older members of our fellowship make away prior to taking a drink though quite widely spaced, a reappraisal of their own progress. had been gradual, and was never actually constituted one First let me state my a conscious neglect of relapse. considered opinion that relapses among older members of AA seldom principles. Since this return, start at the moment of the physical regular attendance at meetings act of swallowing the first drink has been resumed, old and after a long dry period. Subtle trusted contacts renewed and influence or emotional disturbances often unrecognized, have long begun some solid new ones acquired. . . to DreDare the wav for the actual relapse. I further believe that all Despite a real effort to go on from the point of departure must be constantly on guard against from the road of sobriety, the kind of tlnnking that seems several comparatively brief but eventually to cause the damage. Many who have not actually again to a

even though quite widely spaced, is somewhat different. After approxi- idly perhaps, under what circumstances bc perfectionists and when they find actually constituted one relapse. ‘ mately two pars of sobriety and active the road back is the more difficult. they or others around them are not Lastly we discussed whether a suc- participation in the Group following The other day I was discussing the conforming to their perhaps unattaincessful return to one’s profession had his first exposure, he managed to get problem of relapses with an AA friend able standards, they become .unduly caused a gradual forgetfulness of the off the beam and for the ensuing ten who has had no deviation from SO- disturbed and forget the old adage part that AA and sobriety had played years he found himself unable to make briety since joining the fellowship that “Rome was not built in a day” in making this re-establishment suc- any real comeback. He lost every- some years ago. He brought out an and that they should continue to be cessful. thing and apparently hit his all-time interesting point that had eluded me. grateful for what has been accom- Considering some of these possible low, and nearly everything destructive Going back to our First Step which plished. Otherwise m n h e n t and causes of difficulty,’ we first suggested happened to him that can happen to says, “We admitted we were powerless frustration, always dangerous, will take a partial remedy from our own ex- an alcoholic who continues to drink. over alcohol . . . that our lives had hold. perience for the loss of the initial, Then he really returned to AA and become unmanageable,” he talked Then, too, older members often ‘ buoyant enthusiasm. This suggestion decided to start again from scratch. about the two parts into which this rightly counsel newer brethren that was the importance of making a few Though without money, he did not step has been divided. The first part when the going gets rough, they should friends among the strong younger borrow a dime from even the few is, of course, the key. to sobriety but phone a trusted AA friend and talk members who still maintain the real nleinbers he still knew. He had neiher the second is the key to enjoying a things out before taking that first drive and enthusiasm. Their span- a job nor clothes-other than those reasonably serene life constructively. drink. But when these “oldsters” arc . taneity should brighten the outlook of he was wearing-and he had soon to Our meetings are all-important as a disturbed, and I can vouch for this older and perhaps sometimes weary face a serious operation. But he. like reminder that “we were powerless over fact from my own experience, they members who, without such contacts, my other friend, wanted sobriety now alcohol” and will be again if we revert often lack the honesty or humility to may forget that AA is ever young in more than anything else. He attended to even one drink. Our own efforts admit they need help for themselves. spirit. as many meetings as possible (carfare and thinking, aided immeasurably by This is dangerous. They become x- As regards the occasional recurring was sometimes a factor) and listened the help and understanding of our cretive sometimes, and, if askd, say detours, I am not one to scorn the quietly for a long time as if every- friends, should return our lives to a everything is fine when they really possibility of professional help from thing discussed was brand new to “manageable” status but we cannot know better. Perhaps this refusal to psychiatry or the clergy, provided there him. relax these efforts without skating on seek help springs from the old ego is an understanding of the aIcoholic Gradually he made many new dangerously thin ice once more. In msserting itself and the desire to play problem and provided this assistance friends and renewed old friendships. other words, we need to pay attention the part of elder statesmen, .a shade , docs not create a lasting dependency. H e kept away from his family for to our entire program to guide us at above seeking advice. Such help may bring out the causes many months, not enlisting their help, all times, even though there may be Certainlv none of us really knows ‘ of unrest, resentment or self-pity and even at the time of his operation. His many days when we don’t work it what goes on in the mind and heart may help mtore faith in oneself. progress over the year since his return successfully. of another human being and our efforts On the question of one’s vocation, to AA has been amazingly steady and Probably I have not really answered to help must, I imagine, heed the adit seems our slogan “Easy Does It” he has now, besides many friends, a the question I started out to discuss, as monition of the English poet of the usually applies. Also if not currently good relationship with his family and to just why older members of AA last century, Robert Browning, written working at one’s job, one can try an abiding faith in a Higher Power, have relapses. If anyone could come in connection with a quite different additional activity in our avocation, though his economic situation is not up with the right answer to fit all problem: helping other “drunks” and thus bring yet greatly improved. cases we could really go to town on ” ‘Tis an awkward thing to play with our own troubles into better perspec- As my first friend had lost neither Twelfth Step work of this nature, but souls, tive. home, family ties, friends, nor eco- it seems we can pnly generalize. Most And matter enough to save one’s own.” The case of another good AA friend nomic security, it causes me to wonder, alcoholics, for one thing, appear to AT.,New York Cdy

May 1 9 5 5

How can such an unfortunate per- alcoholic who has had trouble with son possibly hope to make his return the bottle again and doesn’t know the anything but a retarded and slow necessity of self-forgiveness in order process unless he has the discernment to make the best and fastest progress

Make Friends with – to redize that he must make peace with himself, in order once more to toward recovery. It’s offered by the person who seeks spiritual forgiveness from God bebe amenable to the AA program? cause of some wrongdoing and re- Yourself Self-accusations have never profited a man or woman under these conditions. They destroy receptivity rather than ceives it by. way of sincere contrition -yet won’t forgive himself, but conproduce it. They keep him on the tinues to wear his senx of unfitness borderline of “what’s the use!” like sackcloth and ashes. Y hat is off to A. T. whose make a quick .and sure start toward kl k\Ierything is Fine” article in regaining his self-respect and restoring the March issue so clearly spotlighted himself to sanity? Perhaps the very Learn to forgive yourself first in anything which mitigates against re- Mistakes are made in any form of human endeavor. Some of them are possession of sobriety. Forgiveness grievous or catastrophic. something which has long been a first thing should be-forgise oneself! Alcoholism can bc arrested-not from others will come as a matter of cause of concern and bafflement to I N o other method toward recovery cured. There is no guaranteed prevencourse when you have “come back.” many of us. from a relapse will produce quicker Many of us are born with a small tive against the first drink and any The writer wondered, “Why, after results, because unless there is com- inner voice, a conscience wl~ich,canbe- dry alcoholic whose thinking becomes long periods of seemingly contented plete forgivet~essof one’s self-betrayal, come self-accusatory in reminding us muddled can be vulnerable. sobriety, do AA members have re- the remorse, self-pity and self-accusa- “Physician, heal thyself !” This has of our shortcomings. lapses?” H e also reviewed the almost tions will complicate and retard any In our fceling of unworthiness, that a mental and spiritual as well as a herculem efforts required by some un- effort to make a. new and satisfactory m a l l inner voice can sometimes be- physical interpretation. Remorse is one fortunates to come back to AA and readjustment. Self – forgiveness is come ,I goad. It seems to say “I ac- of the ,most destructive forces to the stay on the beam. more cssential to reestablishment of human mind, and when wc take the cuse ! I m u s e !” W e all know there are occasions our sobriety than forgiveness of others tirst comtrr~ct;ve step toward self-for- It insinuates itself into our thoughts when the cause is readily a p p m n t to : ~ the beginning. giveness, the healing has begun. and ctnotions until in our desperate the unfortunate one, or to J. helpful Let’s examine thc state of mind of When one comes to an e n d – o n e efforts to escape it, anoth-r drink seems Twelfth Stepper. Where the cause is an individual who has just recovered can .dso come to a beginning. like the only m y out. obscure, however, ~ C I V of us have the from .L relapse. “How did it happen? Tl~crcis ,I striking p;~rallel to the I.F.,E/J~I!J~IJY~, L w , ~I d d psychic insight to pinpoint it without Whcrc did I start on this path?” considr.rablc digging into complex His “cup runneth over”-self-abaseemotional, mental or spiriti~alfactors. ment, self-recriminations, resentments Thc discover!. of the whys and and hmniliation are more horrible and w!ierefores is wry important and essen- inclcsiriba\dc than ;mything hc suffcred tial to the sick person. so h t tlmgcr before AA. He’s racked and torn by of repetition is lessened or tlccrcascil doubts and confusion. His mind races in the future. ’round and ’round and there’s almost Bat next in importance, it seems to .m owrpowcrin,~ temptation to run me. is-wh~t should the s l i j r ~<lo to ;I~V.I) from ever)-body he knows.

July 1 9 5 5

in my \ v . i ~ ~ v c h1 i A e sourqe cic- Ire sald. Sometimes I’m so anxious )rot rived from self-will and hence thc to forzet either that I get mired up “wisdom” I sought frustratingly nevcr In the order. Sometimes I start imcame? Was my serenity a sometime mediately upon awaking, thanking thing? A thin frayed cord, held for the sobriety I haven’t yet asked loosely while I somplaccntly b e l i e d for. It doesn’t matter. He knows. He I “had it made” because of past knows. rough going I’d weathered, past in- Go with me, though, back to my ventories I’d taken, past improvement first meeting. Not the big open one, in character defects (those most ob- first by actual date, but the first om. vious to others). after the slip-a discussion (neighbor- 6. Dry Drunks? Depressions? Naah. hood type) group. Not for me. There sure was some- The town is unimportant. Look in thing wrong in the thinking of those from outside. An old store, hanging who admitted them and were seeking light bulbs, a long table, coffee mugs, help for them. the Steps on the wall, about twenty OR old times’ sake, listen a bit, will 3. Open-mindedness? To a degree, And so I went on, blandly unaware people. (I know only three.) Go in, yoL please, and as a friend of mine but was I truly so open-minded as 1 of the approach of the Big Flip. N o Jetermined not to talk. “Who’ll yard says, “think on it.” was at the end of t!le second year? need to go into it. Can anyone de- help?) Sit down, far end of table, Briefly: after eight years of continu- Inclined, I see now, to espect others scribe Hell, mental Hell? ‘Illvlk God sip your coffee. You find yourself ous sobriety, I got drunk. Let’s face it. with anywhere from fire y e m sobriety only a few of us can know what it’s smiling at something a speaker says It was not a slip. It was not a relapse. up to have improved the .weas of their like to have had years of freedom down the table a way. Each one iu It was an out and out drunk. character defects to the ewcr extent and to awake one morning hog-tied succession speaks. A sober year later, as I write this. that mine had improved. But wait! in the same prison. To feel like the Suddenly it’s your turn. You open I’m still exploring the why of it, for how clearly could I see those defects thief who stole roast beef, imprisoned your mouth to say how nice to h I dare not slide into any of my former /hey still had, despite their old-timer on bread and water. Meals at home visiting. It doesn’t come out that way. pre-drunk thinking, lest it happen category, and how conveniently blind had not been sumptuous perhaps, but The tears come, your lips shake, you again. was I about my owl^ , oh, the choice-freedom of choice- talk and talk. You can’t recall later Let’s take the seventh year, the one 4. Gratitude? How did it slowly, be it between beans or potatoes. what you said except that here, HERE before the drunk: imperceptibly slip away? Was it when No use taking you along on the is HOME,may God never let me for- 1. Meetings? Sporadic. Sometimes I moved to another town where I’d road back, so much rougher than eight get it again. And nobody’is scornful. once a month, sometimes four a month. never been known as 3 drunk? Was it years before. No use trying to de. Nobody goes out the door cynical Sometimes once in one, two, three or when I started to think of myself 2s scribe the misture of heartbreak and about AA because you didn’t make it four months. a nice normal integrated person with gratitude when I encountered one with from scratch. Everybody smiles. 2. Twelfth Step? No brand-new misty recollection of an allergy 😮 the exact story: except-there, tberr They’re glad. Glad for you. Glad for calls; I felt newer members were morc alcohol? Was it when I mixed for the war p e n t damqe, like a punch-drunk themselves. effective. Still do, but now I am not first time in years with people who fighter; there 1 saw bitterness; there, And, now a year later I know that in the too-far-away-from-the-lat-drink- drank, and became rather proud and oh God, there but for the Grace of it’s not important that I’ve lost my category, so don’t honestly know if pleased and smug that “Thanks, no” God am I. place in chronological line. It is imthis was a contributoq factor. Speaic came so easily? And now, each day and night, the portant that I love those still up there.’ at meetings? My yes, I grew bored 5. Serenity Prayer? Was it when I “Please Gods” and “Thank you Gods” It is important that they never ceased listening, so often. started trying to rhangr my obstacle

They emphasize to us that sobriety that Higher Power through suppIicamust be our first concern and that to tion and thanksgiving. jitain it we should be willing to You don’t have to slip and if you j d e r any pain or embarrassment. W e cultivate these five suggested attitudes, 1-3′ to earn our sobriety by giving of you probably won’t! ~urselvesgenerously rather than stingi- It’s worth a try, anyway. :r and we maintain close contact with Anonymous, Srarrdale, N. Y.

September1955 PILL-TRAP wehearpuzzledmembersaskthat fatigue.The tendency to be argumentaquestion about a fellow-alcoholic who tive,to beludicrously absent-minded. Right about then,usually,comes the for several years-until Kid Barleycorn crash.We hear the shocking news that nailed him with his Monday punch. a one-time pillar of the group has The victim’s fellow AAshave valid landedin some hospital after an overcause for bewilderment. They have dose of sleeping pills. And the 64. watched him grow in sanity over the capsule questionis:“What hapyears. They have admired his willing. pened?” ness togive time and effort and the Well,I can answer that, in part,by things he has learned in AA, to help switching to the comfortable,alcoholic other alcoholics. They have heard him first person singular. Because it haptake constructive part in open and pened to me. closed meetings.Theyhave soughthis I’d had three-and-a-half years of advice and found it good. sobriety in AA. I’d come to it the Then they begin to notice all is not hardway,after a lot of slipping and as it should be.There’s a change some. sliding around.It was good,growing where but it’s hard to define it. His look,his way of speaking are different. lifeI felt Iwas fitting into the place He seems to be growing inward,inin God’s scheme where I belonged. steadof outward,tohavelost some- Often thesailingwasrough.Ihad the thing of his eager interest in the other usualnumberofproblemsbutAA had fellow and his problems. steadiedme through them. Later the signs grow more worri- Then because I was working irregu-

sleeping at night. I began to use baf- nervousncss brought on by the coffee. much more Jarrgerour-form. Power a little time off and run things biturata. I’d taken them in the past to I made some good solid resolutions That was four years ago and I have yourself. That’s one we can all spot get me over hangovers and I was sure the morning I found I’d taken fifty been able to apply the principles of by getting to meetings and talking with they’d help me get the regular sleep of the pills in four days. I’d better AA to my pill problem in the same other aicoholics, thereby achieving a I needed. Right in my own neighbor- watch myself, I decided, or I’d get to way as I had to my alcoholic problem. constant and healthy self-examination. hood I ran across a “friendly” druggist be one of those pill-babies you heard ‘ The pills have been removed from my In my case, instead of going to a who supplied me with as many as I about around ‘AA. That’s what I told life and will, I know, stay removed doctor who could have helped me over thought I needed-at about ten times myself, so help me. as long as I remember this: for me, my sleeplesness I acted as my own the regular rate. My resolutions lasted a couple of they are drit~ks. doctor, and my lack of qualification So, everything was fine. I was get- weeks. But the withdrawal a g o n i e s 4 This article has been written in the for the role was demonstrated disting plenty of sleep. I was handling didn’t know them by that name–were hope of catching the potential pill- astrously. my job, looking after my wife and our too much, so I bought a new supply. taker before, instead of after. I try each day to live consciously baby as I should. Anything wrong Ten dollars worth because my pal, the It is impossible to give specific rules with the knowledge that I’m a flop at with that? pharmacist, pointed out that I could to avoid falling into the pill-trap after running my own life and I must con- Then things began to happen. The save money by quantity buying. a lengthy period of sobriety, as I did. stantly turn over my will to God. Livtwo pills I’d taken so “sensibly” on The crash came not long after that. All rules cannot apply to all A h . ing that way I know He will help me going to bed, didn’t quite do the work I arrived home from work early one However, there is one vital warning each day to walk quickly past’ any any more. I doubled the dosage. That morning, full of pills. I was indignant note I can strike without hesitation. doors that seem to bear the seductive was reasonable, wasn’t it? Or was it? when I found my wife and my son-in- Beware of the first glimmer of a feel- sign, Escape . . . in any form. Much later, a doctor told me that, in law waiting for me. I asked if anything ing that you can give the Higher A. H., Brooklyn,~N.Y. an alcoholic, the pill pattern will fol- was wrong. ‘104 the individual drinking pattern Later I learned something of the Ed. note: this is the first of a series on the “pill problem” as seen by AAs. exactly. He was so right! I’d always frightful fears my wife (also an AA) Future articles will tourh on other aspects and experiences. been a violent periodic drinker, full of lived with as she watched her sober good resolutions about cutting down- husband turning into a zombie-like never lbout quitting-as I fought my stranger. But that night all I knew was way through progressively more hide- that I still had seven pills hidden in ous hangown. Now I began taking a vest pocket and I’d better take them pills the spme way. before they were found and confis- T h e increased bedtime dose began to cated. leave me with a next-day jitteriness. I put on a pot of coffee and, be- T o calm the nerves I began taking a tween cups, sneaked into the bathroom pill or two in the morning. Sound and took my precious pills. familiar? The next thing I knew I was tegain- The real acceleration set in then. It ing consciousness in a city hospital wasn’t long before I’d hit my old alco- where I’d often been delivered drunk holic stride. I’d take a couple of my in the past. I was told that I’d come little yellow cure-alls to ease the jitters. close to ringing down the final curtain Then a couole of cups of strong coffee on myself. to ward off the resultant drowsiness. It was then that I realized that I’d fhen a couple of pills to calm the been taking drinks in capsule-und

October 1 9 5 5

Wick-ed People The longer we go to meetings the longer the wick becomes. That may be why nothing happened when I almost had a little trouble. I had a long wick and I could see it burning and getting closer to me and the explosion. I could see it coming and was able to reach out and snip out the burning wick. .. . All because I had lots of AA meetings under my belt. Remember the more meetings you go to the longer the wick gets. So keep coming back. Thanks to AA I did not explode and neither will you. Anonymous, Norrh Hallywood AST week I almost had a little Group, California L . trouble . . in fact I was so close to taking a drink it wasn’t funny. But I did not take that drink! Why? Maybe because I have quite a bit of AA under my belt. After I had calmed down and realized that I succeeded in getting through this ordcal it occurred to me that we are like firecrackers. Yes, when we first go into AA we are a firecracker with a short wick and when that short wick gets lighted with resentment or self-pity or any of the things that cause us to go off on a tangent it doesn’t take long before we explode.

November 1 9 5 5

The Day Wile Slipped ‘

o siree, I don’t think I’ll ever mood. His job had reached that “therc N forget the day Willie slipped! won’t be a next time stage” so he was It’s stuck with me for over five years willing listener. a now and every time I hear of somc Willie took to the program like any member having-well if you like it guy who knows he has to do somcbetter, a relapse-I think of Willie. thing–or else! He went mceting- What really decided me on relating crazy; he turned into a fanatic on AA. Willie’s case history was that just the His boss and his wife and his kids all other night a prospective AA member fcll on my neck and were grateful all came up with that old one, the one I over the place. In turn I glowed all worked right down to the last: that I ovcr the place, with becoming modesty, was twenty-one, that this was a free of course! Willie sure was it, at firs!! country and damn it all, if I wanted But after six months Willie began a drink it was my business! Our own to gct ideas. Hc dccidcd that certain business, yes and everyone’s who re- low types, in brief, laborers, men who motely had anything to do with us. werc uncouth enough to have to work ‘ Willie’s case sure provcd that. with their hands, should be segrcgatcd Now, I sponsored Willie and he in a group of their own. Then he was a bad one. An cstremely clever started to rearrange thc Steps and rechemist, a likable fellow but a real organize the layout of the Big Book. dyed-in-the-wool alcoholic. I’d gone SO, actually, when Willie slippctl I to school wit11 him. His wife lcarnecl wasn’t too surprised. What did sur- I belonged to AA, called me onc aftcr- prise me was the number of people noon, and asked me please to comc affected ! over. Well. Willie was in a repentant To head the list was Willie’s boss.

‘ Hc called me a t the ofice and gave me our little group was upset too because quite a blast. Seemed I’d fallen down: Willie’s activities had got around didn’t sponsors look after fellows, so town. I got Willie a lawyer and he why the hell had I let Willie get sot OB with a stiff fine. Two weeks drunk? I’d better snap out of it and later he got back to work, luckily, but get hold of Willie quick–or else! not before one of his creditors went And, just to clinch it, he inferred that around to his house and threatened maybe this AA wasn’t so damn hot to take away a new chesterfield suite. after all! I put the phone down, softly The neighbors saw this one and they cursed the low-down so-and-so and were affected too, in various ways. figured maybe it wasn’t much wonder Some were sorry and some thought it Willie slipped. would be a good idea if they took Well, that was only the start. Willie, his wife and kids as well as Willie’s wife phoned, said to come some of those holier-than-thou AA right over. I drove around, expecting guys who had been hanging around to find Willie there but she didn’t so much, especially since Willie had even know where he was. Seemed he’d been away! started Friday night and this was Mon- Well siree, I figured it! There were day. The household was so disrupted thirty-four people directly affected, she’d kept the kids home from school. upset, disturbed, perturbed, thrown off Tess had that frightened, hopeless look schedule from the time Willie skidded again, just like she’d had the first until he got back to work and to AA. time I’d gone there. The m o boys, How many were affected indirectlytwelve and fourteen, looked sort of well, who knows? dchant, as much as to say, not again! Yes, the story ended better than In fact they all kinda looked at me some. Willie learned his lesson and as if it were all my fault. I promised I’d bet real foldin’ money on Willie I’d scout around. now. And you know, I’m sorta glad So far Willie’s boss and his office Willie slipped because one night last associates were stirred up as well as year I nearly slipped myself and then his wife and boys. I went home at I got to thinkin’ of Willie. I figured noon in a vile mood, bawled out the I didn’t care so much about myself but wife, raised the devil with my little I sure didn’t want to upset thirtygirl and sent her to school almost cry- four other people. ing. Yes siree, Willie’s slip was sure 1 didn’t take that first one! And I catchin’ on! So it went. I finally know none of you guys would want caught up with Willie two days later, to either. in jail. He’d got into a fight, broke a Sure as hell makes a fellow think. plate-glass door in a barroom and No siree, I’ll never forget the day, raised hades in general. W~llieslipped. I went to a meeting that night and H.C., Mount Forest, Ontdrio, Canada

January 1 9 5 6

tain woman in AA, and 1 carried a pathetic puzzle of what happened,duv very great resentment toward her for ing blackouts. Many times I :’have ‘: several months, so that I could scarcely pushed to the back of my mind the speak to her. One day recently I had knowledge that I am an alcoholic, and occasion to talk to her. She inquired have gone out in search of this nonabout the reason for my slips. I told existent pleasure . . . non-existent be- A Simple Acrostic her there were many, including resentment. She asked whom they were cause once we become alcoholic personalities there is no pleasure in drink- . directed at, and if they included her. ing, but only the same old hell of I said they did and then came the illness, regret, and disillusionment. W e real blow. She ,had never known. She hear in AA that we are just one,drink said she had attributed my coolness away from a drunk, but I prefer the toward her to not feeling well and just ,being moody. Think of the enway a friend of mine puts it: “We’re just one think away from a drink.” I THEmain reason for my slips after S-represents self-pity. One of the 1

ergy I wasted hating someone who P-the first letter of the word pride, ;-,coming into AA was the fact that didn’t even know I was mad at her! , one of. the most deceptive traps for biggest causes, for me, generally ac- L-representing laxness. Often preced-‘ lost sobriety. W e say to ourselves, I wanted to drink more than I wanted : to stay sober. A simple explanation, companied b j resentment. Someone does something I consider not right. ing a slip I have grown lax in many things: attendance at meetings, taking well, I didn’t drink like she did. I managed my life a little better. I : ,:I perhaps, but I do believe there are I’m peeved, and the more I brood +? many reasons that cause the desire to over it the bigger it gets until resent- a daily inventory, tolerance, and most didn’t hit skid road. Or we toy with a f -$*- drink. I would like to break down the ment and hate creep in, and then I important, in communion with God. thousand other false ideas .. . maybe t t: word “slip” into letters that express Truthfully, I must admit I turned there has been a little misundp I get drunk. away from God. When I felt the de- standing with someone. W e are :too -;’ some of them. I I Once I formed a hatred for a cer- sire to drink I would not pray for proud to make a friendly overture. i help. I forgot I was an &oholic Maybe we are in the country-club set, whose life was unmanageable without and just can’t mix with anyone from help from a Higher Power, and so I the other side of the tracks or vice One way got drunk. It has been said that who- versa. Maybe, like myself, we’re in to take ever asks God sincerely for help each poor financial circumstances, and day will not slip. I believe this is true, darned if I’m going to be nice to , apart to give thanks for that help will also those high-toned gals! Any thinking a word prevent a slip. of this kind can trip us up, and false I-for improper thinking. This one pride is back of it all. In a discussion,.; nobody with his sponsor, a member said, “I , has thrown many, including myself. likes For example thinking about pleasure just can’t come back to AA. I’ve lost ‘ found in past drinking bouts. In think- all my pride.” His sponsor said, ing about these past episodes we en- “Good, now maybe we can get somejoyed, it is easy to forget all the mis- where !” ery of the morning after, the terrible Maybe we can. sense of guilt and remorse, and the Ann T., Kan~asCity, Missouri

March 1956

Ed. note: Your editors disagreed about this one. Said one: “Sometimes we learn through just such episodes as this that you really can’t fool around.” From attended I met a lot of pcoplc who glycerin~and you hit a little bumpanother: “This piece says some- . had had no slips since their first mect- it doesn’t matter how many miles you thing very important, ,ing. I met them on purpose. I was hauled it before the explosion. You especially t i newcomers, looking for them. I did come here to gotta start all over again, and hope but it’s a negative approach, short get sober, not to learn how to slip. you don’t get born as an alley-cat the I on compassion and humility.” And so Nowadays I am not as desperate, and next time. the argument went, until your editors came up with an agreement: it is my luck to meet swarms of AAs Some of us, it is true, have the pro- “It’s one guy’s opinion and he’s entitled to its’ We’d like to refer who are “having a little difficulty.” verbial luck of a cat. Perhaps it feels the reader, however, to “You Don’t Hav,e To Slip” (September Grapevine) … just to balance things out. All right, that’s 0. K. for them, and . good to come back . . I wouldn’t here’s how it also helps me. know. But I do get a good feeling in I am planting my four feet right seeing someone else come back. AA plunk on this here ground and saying has taught me that I do not have to tt ‘Mglad you slipped!” did. not is a powerful shot in the arm I 1 have never actually said these to my quavering self-confidence. words, but have often thought them. Lots of people hit this program right now that there is no such thing as “a little difficulty.” I tolerate people take a drink. When someone else has a slip, it saying they have “been in AA about puts me on the alert: “There, but for It’s a strange feeling, but I am really hard, as I did in the beginning, a little two years now, but can’t make more the grace of God, go I.” It could stung with a weird excitement when over three years ago. I had one net- , someone I know in AA has a slip. vous week trying to make. up my than three months at a time.” have been me, but it wasn’t. So, to You see-the roof fell in, the bomb mind, and then I decided this was for A “line” like that is for the birds, those whom I know to have slipped went off, the knife fell, the same thing me. Since that decision I have not in my opinion. I am grateful to make (and most of them do no1 come back, that threatens all of us happened, but taken that first drink, though I have one day at a time, and I do not have it seems) I say “Thanks foi slipping,” -not to me. had my share of troubles and have the exact tally of days or even months and I mean that I am glad it was not It is not an unfriendly thought. I made my, share of mistakes in other figured and ready to tell anybody on me and doesn’t have to ‘be me (or do not wish anyone ill. But the fact departments. split-second notice. The way I figure you, either). that an AA friend got drunk and I At the first few dozen meetings I it is this: if you’re hauling nitro- B. G., New York Ciry

May 1956

SLIPS V S . SLIDES 1 HAVE BEEN LUCKY during the last fall, but we claw and feel around five years in that I have not ex- for any small crevice or protrusion perienced any slips. This might be we can cling to until we can collect attributed to two reasons. First is ourselves. On our feet again we a feeling of fear. When I come in continue on our journey to the top. contact with someone who has had ‘ Take another person on the same a slip I fear what might happen to incline who reaches the half way me if I again took that first drink. mark. He too falls but, instead of The second reason you might class trying to grasp onto something he as arrogance: When I see or hear can hold, he just lies inert and says, of someone who has attained a cer- “What the h,- I can’t do it.” tain goal in their fight for sobriety, Naturally the law of gravity will I feel a certain arrogance inside soon start him down the incline. which says, “If they can do it so He ends up at the bottom with a can I.” I can! thud-not to rise again. This is To me, there are two kinds of the one I call the backslider. slips. One we can call a plain, or- While sobriety for the last five dinary slip. The other we will call years has been the most important a backslide. For example, we all thing in my life, I have tried not to have probably experienced the dif- become overly excited about it, nor ficulties in climbing a steep incline figured I could do it all in one day. on a cold, foggy, damp day. S u p During each twenty-four hour pepose we start up this incline and riod I have tried to use sobriety to we get about half way by hard enjoy old things better and each work and perseverance. Then we day to add new experiences and pleasures. Gilson W., Mitchell, S. D.

June 1956

A “SLIPPEE” STANDS UP TO BE COUNTED I sist theuntil HAVE, now, been able to re- more openly, not only in the AA impulse to write to you in Grapevine, but in our meetings as well. this reaction more tragic than just plain ridiculous, but it takes all kinds . regard to the article, “Thanks . . for I have been identified with AA for to make a world, or a fellowship. I Slipping,” written by B.G. of New ten and a half years now, off and on. cannot and will not accept the premise York City, which appeared in the After seven years of sobriety I had a that an AA member who has had a March, 1956 edition of the AA relapse which resulted in periodic relapse must thereafter be regarded by Grapevine. I have at last resolved to binges for almost two years; for the his fellows as a second-class member. commit my observations on this article last year, through the grace of God I suggest that the term “slip” might to paper because I feel it is high time and the AA fellowship, I have again well be dropped from our AA vocabuthat someone who has had one or been actively associated with AA, and lary since it connotes a slip from more “slips” stood up to his full I want to go on record as saying that grace, rather than the relapse into an height and told the self-righteous ele- my relapse may turn out to be the illness which, in fact, it is. ments in our great Fellowship a few best thing that could have happened We alcoholics are characteristically of the facts of life. to me. I regard it as a positive rather impatient people, and I am no excep- In writing these observations, I am than a negative thing, and an experi- tion, believe me; but I get awfully not intentionally criticizing anyone, ence which has given me a new and impatient with AAs who persist in and I am aware that your editorial fresh appreciation of what life can sitting in judgment on those of us staff was not in full agreement as to hold. who have suffered relapses. To them, whether the article should be pub- I have encountered many instances perhaps this gentle reminder may be lished or not. Nevertheless I, for one, since coming back into AA of self- both timely and appropriate-“rememwould like to see the whole very seri- appointed “elder statesmen” looking ber, and ponder well, my friend, that ous and important subject of relapses down their noses at me in one way or everyone in AA is exactly the same discussed more often, more fully, and another for having slipped. I find size.” P.A.R., TorontoBy-Pass Group, Cunadd

July 1956

The Time of Dreaming

T HERE IS a single thought about re- ture were not real creatures; nor was lapsing from sobriety that adds a it a real time. little more solidity to my program for . A great block of time was thereliving. dt is this: visible only to me, poised between Any slip from sobriety will cost me the years-and this was the time when a terrible percentage of that vasr, won- all would be magnificently well. This derful future I have planned for my is what the Australian aborigine calls Jons and myself. “the time of the dreaming,” the never- Add that a slip will possibly cost never misty state of unbeing that never everything-not merely a percentage, becomes true time before and after and that I may never come back. reality. . .. But a total ‘whole is too round, too But in sobriety our future became complete, always less comprehensible, a living, strong, wholesome probabil- ‘less impressive than a cruel portion ity. There was a chance for tomorrow, missing or destroyed. The man who for that big block of time to start, bcsweeps at you the generalization that ginning right now. My boys will have everything is wiped out makes less that future that was postponed so dramatic sense than one who states long; and long before it’s too late for that seventy-five percent is shattered them. Each day in AA adds a percentbeyond recall. That is so possible, pre- age to their future. That is the positive cise and defined in its mercilessness. accent. That awful percentage of my future Any slip will cost them and me at and of the program for those I love- at least a huge part of that future. One that is the appalling thought. For the silly drink means a hideous deformaideas about a good, bright future were tion of their real lives. An ounce of planned deep in the slough of alcohol. liquor in me will put them back again These plans had always been post- into that drcary, meaningless dreamponed or set back because they were time, making their shouted happiness (11 happen in that vague future time once again impossible figments of a that is the glory-horror of the dipso- drunk’s doomed imagination. maniac. Those happy boys of the fu- W.T., New York City

September 1956

I when the time came to go to the IT TOOK ME A LONG TIME to become After I had been sober for about meeting he was so drunk he could I let temptation get the better of me and I really went on a good one. convinced that I was an alcoholic. two months I got a big brainstorm. I decided I would do some Twelfth barely walk. That was the beginning of the end ,. I batted around the country for .about ten years, drinking my way Step work and bring a lot of new I gave up right then. I was so dis- . . . three weeks later the front gate “from one job to another. I never got guys into AA. I figured if I could do gusted that I didn’t go to the meet- of the prison closed behind me. -! ‘fired from a job-. . . I’d get drunk that, all the older members in the ing myself. I t was the first one I had I have attended every meeting and quit. Every time I woke up with group would think I was a “good missed, but I figured I could afford since I have been here, and from a hanggver, I swore that I wouldn’t fellow.” to stay away-I wasn’t going to now on, no matter where I am or ‘take another drink, but I always Most of the roomers in the hotel drink anymore! how I feel, Z’m not going to miss wdund up in another bar on another where I stayed were sheep-herders that AA meeting. How wrong I was. The next night W. G., Boise, Idaho. .; ,drunk. who had come in from the range 4: One day,’ a friend of mine asked with their pocket. full of money, me if I would like to go to an AA ready for a good time. (To them, a 2 V :meeting. I said, “Sure, why not?” good time meant to stay drunk until 3, didn’t figure they had anything that all their money was gone.) L t .would do me any good, but I thought I started out on my project with ,I’d humor him. a full head of steam, but after about & 4- Well, somebody must have said one month I was ready to chuck the ,$ :something a t that meeting that hit whole thing. The guys I talked to ..lhome, becaye I found myself stay- wouldn’t have anything to do with -.*. -.mg sober. It was a great feeling and AA. They said they weren’t alco- :: I began to get pretty cocky. I beholics-they were just having fun. ;. came convinced that I wouldn’t ever I did get one of them talked into drink again and I made a point of going to a meeting. I told him he bragging about my sobriety to every- should be sober when he went, and body who would listen. he promised that he would be; but

January 1957

our many problems with’ drink. able to our capabilities, and that Owed money, the roof sprang a leak, doubtless one of the fellows in AA T V out of whack, Junior got a bad would help toward this end; that our ‘ report card, car on the blink and we health would naturally be better, Some Reminders for Old Timers have a bad case of neuritis. Who that we could tackle our problem in could blame us for seeking escape a mature way and learn to plan, from these troubles? pray, work and be honest, sensible, , Nobody. If it worked. But when self-respecting people. REMEMBER HOW IN OUR EARLY DAYS sparkling turns to surliness, the wit- we come back from the bender I t seems incredible, but I honestly it was drummed into our heads ticisms to insults and quarrelsome- everything is just the same. They know of cases where AAs have .that the first ,drink is the one which ness-and so we are off again into are !still there-the problems . . . sulked-even got drunk-because :makes us drunk? . . . if we are truly sodden drunkenness, with morning with additional ones, maybe a police something did not materialize for alcoholic, that is-people affected headache, self-disgust, bitter re- fine, smashed car,perhaps hospital- them. We can’t bribe God! If we with the disease called alcoholism. I morse, shame, despair. ization, a warning from the boss, and say, “How’s this now, God? I’m think we really cannot emphasize That’s the way that first little old the realization that the money we sober. I stopped drinking, see? Then ‘this truth of the first-drink-danger drink winds up; so stop we should spent on our drunk “escape” we why didn’t You work out so-andoften enough, and that as time goes and think, “Is it worth it? Worth might have used to help pay off some so for me?” on we are inclined rather to put it pulling down all I’ve so slowly built I of our obligations, repair the car or And God might say: “I know lots in the background of our accrued up?’It’s up to us, pal! We have to roof or TV, or got Junior a much- of people, many of them far better knowledge in Twelfth Stepping. make the decision. needed new pair of shoes – and than you, who have always been . We well know that the old com- Instead of calling such deliberate taken a little interest in his prob- sober. They seem to be shouldering pulsion will return with the first decisions a slip, let’s call it what it lems besides. their problems and do not ask imdrink. We may rationalize and is – a landslide. “Slipping” A h The fatuous idea thatbecause munity from the ordinary ups and think, “Why can’t I take a drink, surely pay some enormous penal ties. we are AAs-things should move on downs of life.,You made your debts. ‘just one small drink, like other peo- We’ve all seen them . . . oiled wheels for us is one way to I didn’t.” ple?” Because: we can’t and that’s Some, unhappily, have experi- bring about our undoing. Why we And He’d probably say, “Keep the answer we might as well face enced them. should be blessed above other men trying; do something to help somenow, tomorrow and forever so long We would not deliberately eat is a $64 question. I once heard an body else; give up your ha& and .aswe move about upon his particu- ground glass, or cut our hands or old AA who should know better say, self-pity; put your shoulder to the lar planet in our particular shoes. burn our fingers, or-like those piti- when mentioning the death of an- wheel and I’ll be there helping too. Looking back, remember how we ful prisoners in the news recently- other older AA, “I don’t know why 1’11 never let you down.’ used to say so gaily as we reached take rocks and smash the bones in such a thing should happen to a I seem to have wandered wide of for the good old bottle, “one little our legs, thinking thereby to make a good AA!” the mark-that first drink. Yet, I bei old drink never helped anybody!” bad condition better, would we? But No sponsor (unless he is an idiot) lieve it may be germane-that often ,Sure didn’t. Not us anyhow. So to- such in a measure we do deliberately ever told any of us that when we too great an expectancy for too little :morrow just as it was yesterday we to ourselves-physically, financially, reached AA sobriety all our troubles effort, too much self-pity and seethtare going to add to that slap-happy- spiritually and mentally-when we would melt away, that we’d become ing resentment, lead us to that first slogan, “must have just another one make a decision to down that first an executive and drive around in a drink and the landslide from which, to acquire that pleasant edge.” We drink. new car. He probably told us, if he’s some day perhaps, we might never again must pparkle, utter witticisms, Things became too much for me, a sensible man, that with sobriety again be able to extricate ourselves. keen the ~ a r t vgoing. Until the we whine, and we just had to forget we should eventually find work suitc Anon, Bradenton, Flu.

July 1957

THE WARNING O N THE WINGS ON A PLANE traveling from Mexico The young man sensed a warning City to New York a young passen- in this and decided to heed it and ger told me the following story. He forget his plans to drink. On arhad been sent to Mexico on a busi- riving at his destination he discovness trip. He knew that he was an ered that the person assigned to alcoholic, but he had decided that meet him and aid in transacting since he’d be far from home and the business was on a prolonged unknown he’d go on a rip-roaring, drinking bout and unable to get there. Thus my fellow passenger drinking spree this trip (although had to put through the deal hima member of AA). self. Enroute home he was so thank- Musing thus, he glanccd out of ful he had heeded the warning on the window and, immediately, the the wings. full moon shining on the wings He had to relate the story to brought into view the huge AA let- someone-so he chose me. ters (American Airlines symbol). A.V.S., Bedford Hills,N.Y.

October 1957

over a long period of time. It is my beds. One drunk had passed out on intention to reveal this secret to the one bed and two were dead to the world through these pages; it will be world on the other. On the floor, re- WHY my great and undying contribution to AA, to which I owe so much. clining blissfully, was another-and an over-stuffed chair contained still I will defer the announcement of another. From the bath came the this world-shaking revelation until unmistakable sounds of still another the final paragraph. . . for one thing, with a well developed case of dry I want to recite a typical slip that heaves. On the dresser was an asonce came to my attention and was sortment of fifths in varying degrees

SLIP largely instrumental in the formulation of my conclusions. It happened in Miami-as anyof depletion-far too numerous even to estimate. The magnitude of the problem that confronted me was terthing is most apt to do. I was on rifying, to say the least. vacation and making the old Lincoln I explained to the Texan that I BECAUSE I AM POSSESSED of a gener- Road AA Clubhouse my daytime had not come prepared to undertake ous share of patience, tolerance, un- hangout, when a call for help came a wholesale job–that I was primarderstanding and gullibility, I have from the San Juan Hotel. ily a retail sober-upper. become the Community Wailing The Club custodian asked if I He assured me, however, that I Wall, since my advent into the ranks would take care of the call and I need only concern myself with the of AA. gladly accepted the invitation. After occupant on the first bed. This My broad breast has been deluged all, Miami is no place to become young man, he told me, was ripe for with more tears than an undertak- lax. AA-he knew what it was all about er’s “Lending Handkerchief,” and On arriving at the hotel my knock and was all ready to be wrapped up my coats go to the cleaners so damp was answered by a man whose and delivered. I am sure they think that I bathe length, breadth and thickness indi- “Where did he get all this inforwith my clothes on. … cated he was from Texas. My indicator was right-he was. mation on AA?” I naturally inquired. I have become an expert on slips -not the kind the ladies wear-but I inquired as to whether he was “From me,” he replied. “I’ve those very mysterious slips occa- the one who called and if he was been a member for eleven months sioned by an alcoholic brain “jump- having any trouble with his hooch but I’m having a little slip.” (Why ing time.” consumption. He assured me he had is it always a little slip and never a I’m the type guy that a vast host made the call and that he had “a big slip? ) of slippees run to with the sixty- room full of trouble.” I told him I would do the best I four-dollar question: “Why, oh why, I did not understand his remark could for the youngster but meandid it have to happen to me?’ because he was not too drunk (he while I asked him to tell me about Ladies and gentlemen, I have the was standing up without holding on his slip–and I herewith relate the answer-acquired after great study, to anything) but then he invited me lamentable tale he told to me: research, and personal observation into the room and I got a better in- “There’s not much to it,” he besight into his difficulty. gan. “I saved up six hundred dollars The room contained two single and then I rode up here to the hotel

and engaged two roomssone for my the answer to the sixty-four-dollar wife on the next Aoor and this one question: for myself. I did not want to dis- The reason we have slips is beturb her. Then I deposited the rest cause we still want to drink. of the roll-five hundred, to be ex- Anon., Alexandria, Va. act-with the desk clerk so I could not get rolled. I had of course held out a hundred so, I then went to a package store and bought sixteen fifths and had them delivered to my room here. Then I went to a bar for a drink and I invited these boys to come back to the room with me and then I had the slip.” In this story the good Texan told me I got a glimpse of the truthwhich I will now reveal; and my subsequent study of many, many cases has convinced me beyond any reasonable doubt that my scientific findings are well based. So brace yourselves-here comes

December 1957

PAMPHLET FOR “SLIPPEE”? I HAVE O ~ N HEARD the wish expressed within our group that Alcoholics Anonymous Publishing, Inc., publish a little pamphlet directed to the AA “slippee.” It could perhaps express the “Come Back Home7′ feeling which so many of us feel when we see a fellow member fall, but which we all find so hard to express when the slippee , is drinking. Perhaps other AA groups have felt the need for such a pamphlet. I would certainly appreciate any comment upon this. D. A. B., Central Group, Augu@a, Georgia

February 1 9 5 8

Facts Have A Life Of Their Own NOTLONG AGO I read a sign on a program and then, too, it is always wall: “Don’t confuse me with facts, doubtful whether we will have anmy mind is already made up.” It other chance at all. occurred to me that that could be The facts gleaned from past exapplied to the so-called “slipper.” If periences of alcoholics and available we call our sponsor or a fellow AA for all of us to read in the Alcoholfor help before we take that first ics Anonymous book make clear too drink, we won’t make our minds up that alcoholism is progresive; so, without at least a reminder of the too, is sobriety. Don’t wait until facts. Better we should be confused you take that first drink to call for with facts than with alcohol! help–call first! Regular attendance One fact that helps me is that at meetings and asgociation with felonce an alcoholic has been intro- low members of AA are constant reduced to AA he will usually come minders of the facts, too. Thank back-and although I have never God and AA we do not have to slip had a slip (yet) I understand from . . . we can profit by the past exthose who have that each time they periences of others. come back it is harder to make the Norma T., Carlsbad, Calif.

March 1958

NO BLACKBALLS I N A A

‘DOES ONE DRINK CANCEL YOUR recognizes the certainty that one al- another human being the &act nalammusw IN AA?” This question coholic can never sit in judgment ture of our wrongs.” So reverting posed by Tom-Tom, a publication of on his fellow sufferer and say “thou to the original question, we ask ourthe AA Federation of the Rhodesia shalt not enter here”; for no truer selves: “What human being with and Nyasaland, Central Africa, saying has this Society than, “There any experience at all of AA is going ‘-would certainly sound just a trifle but for the Grace of God, go I.” to tell us that after one drink our naive to older AAs; yet there must Thus the taking of a moral inven- membership is cancelled?’ be some who believe it to be so, or tory tempered with mercy should in It would seem to this writer that it would not also appear in the AA the first place begin at home. what is called group c o p s @ ~ . c a n Exchange Bulletin published at This fourth Step (such an all- give answers to a mass of questions General Source Headquarters. imhrtant one in the ladder of hap- that could worry the individual AA; Bill has made it very clear in all py serenity) is the answer to many and although sometimes even the his writings–and most lately in AG problems, and points the way out of group conscience might go a little coholics Anonymous Comes of Age a spell of self-pity or doldrum trou- awry, by and large the solution de- -that the mere fact that we say we ble to the AA in difficulties. In it cided upon by a number of experiare a member of AA makes us just we are taught how to analyze enced AAs themselves on the beam that. There is no “blackballing,” no ourselves, to probe into our inner would not be very far away from the firing, no closed door to the Society consciousness and turn out and right one. Jim A., Victoria, B. C. of Alcoholics Anonymous. In that clean the darker cells. This we do fact alone lies one of its strongest not have to do alone; for are we not appeals-we are given new hope, told that if we stumbls or become and that hope is never withheld. bogged down with doubt we must Alcoholics Anonymous mercifully admit “to God, to ourselves, and to

April 1 9 5 8

Doing it on Your Own 13 steps to controlled drinking

1. Never drink before 8:00 AM. (The bars aren’t open.) 2. Ncver drink after 4: 00 AM. (The bars close at four.) 3. Never neglect to have a couple of snorts before arriving at a cocktail party, luncheon, or dinner. (Your host may be short of funds or slow.) 4. Ncvcr take your eyes off the line of supply. (Thcrc might bc somconc there more thirsty than yourself.) 5. Never forget to have an emergency supply for medicinal purposes hidden in an old coat pocket or in the tank of the WC. 6. Never leave n party while there’s any liquor in the house. 7. Never leave without one for the road. (It may be a long, cold road.) 8. Ncvcr takc any journey, long or short, without extra ammunition. (You may have to pass through some dry territory.) 9. Never depend on Grandmother or Aunt Mary. (It’s better to control your own supply line in case of snakes, scorpions, tarantulas, cobras, or double-crossing relatives.) 10. Never keep your secret rum cache in the same place more than twice. (Your line may be tapped.) 1 1. Never allow your relativcs or guests to overindulge. (This is a program for only you to control, a selfish program.) 12. Never admit to anyone that you are not always aware of all that goes on around you and in absolute control of your drinking. (Even if you are paralyzed.) 13. Never listen to AA. Anonymous

June 1958

PILLS AND SOBRIETY? OURGROUP has a problem. One of our members after a few years dry on the program, started using pills and finally got so bad he had to be taken to the hospital. No alcohol was taken. He has been O.K.now for six months. His original AA birthday is coming up and we are divided: some say he now is only six months on the program. We would like the opinion of our General Service Office on this. Does having a slip on pills affect a member’s “seniority” in AA? Anon., Palm Springs, Calif. Ed Note-A portion of the answer from G. S.O. follows: YOURQUESTION is one which is viewed differently in various groups and parts of the country. In some areas, it is customary for a member to state that he has not had a drink or a pill since a certain date. Needless to say, it would be understood in those groups that having an anniversary would be contingent upon pills as well as alcohol. Many groups feel that it is up to the individual to make his own decision as to whether or not his AA anniversary is affected by “a slip on pills.” However, experience has shown that when a situation reaches a point that a member must be hospitalized, it is not expected that it be overlooked so far as progress in AA is concerned …

July 1958

villains behind the tree just ahead, ly I can handle a few drinks. After ready to pounce on him. all, it was only that damn job (or Sometimes the word ambush damn wife) that made my drinking brings to my mind a picture of a get out of hand. That cause is remotorist merrily speeding along at moved now. I’m going to try a few. * eighty miles an hour on a fifty mile You know, I never went at this Sobriety’s Foe an hour highway, unaware of the drinking business intelligently. I motorcycle cop behind the billboard never had a plan. I’ll fix it M y just ahead (apologies to P.A.X.). in my mind that four drinks is my The word also conjures up a vi- limit. 1’11 get that idea so deeply sion of an alcoholic who blithely etched . . on my brain that . why, starts out on the road to sobriety, it’ll be absolutely impossible for me FOURFEATURES of my drinking pat- drink- if all these things which alone. He has just said, “Sure, I to take that fifth drink.” tern stand out prominently. These happened after 1 took the first drink know I’ve got to do something about All this nonsense seems plausible are the characteristics which clearly were the sum-total of my alcohol- my drinking, but I’m going to do it to the alcoholic who is going it , set me apart from my drinking bud- ism, my problem ‘would be simple. I my way . . . if you don’t mind.” In alone. Of course, what he doesn’t dies for whom alcohol never became would just swear off and that would his naivet4 he doesn’t reckon with reckon with, in all this reasoning, is a problem. be that. I would have no need for the three enemies who lurk in the that the first drink will trigger off shadows. something which will blast his well- One feature was the urgency for AA. The first of these enemies is for- laid plans all to hell, whence they more alcohol which arose from just But there are elements of my getfulness. An alcoholic is one burnt came. one drink. Another,feature was a drinking prddlem which are not The third enemy that lies in wait child who doesn’t dread the fire. No compelling desire for’a drink when found among the developments oc- ‘ matter how vivid the picture of for the alcoholic who is “doing it I awoke beset by depression, jitters, curring after that first one. Yet they humiliation and suflering the last my way” is emotions. Unless an alremorse and morbid fears. Loss of are part and parcel of my illness. binge left him with, with time and coholic has the benefit of the checks appetite while drinking was another Alcoholism is an insidious malady. a regained sense of well-being, the and balance8 the AA program profeature of my pattern. The last of I used to hear it called that at al- picture fades. When the picture is vides, in a moment of emotional u p these features was blackouts-peri- most every meeting. I seldom hear dim enough, the unaided alcoholic heaval he will find himself in such ods during which I walked and it called that any more, but insiditalked as if I were conscious, but of says (if, indeed, he says anything), an unbearable state that to gain ous is precisely what alcoholism is, “That wasn’t so bad, after all,” and temporary ‘respite from his distress which I later had no recollection. and that’s why I need the condi- walks into a bar or liquor store, thus ‘he will draw the curtain down on I’ bbserved that my non-alcoholic tioning I get in AA. starting anoher jaunt down Lone- the consequences of alcohol and friends had none of these symptoms. The word, insidious, comes from reach blindly for a drink. some Road. But I had them all. Still, if the a word meaning ambush. When I Another enemy is optimism-stu- I have found that the closer I folcompulsion set up by the firet drink, think of ambush I get a mental pic- low the principles of AA, the more pid optimism. After a period of sothe need for a drink the next morn- ture of a lad sauntering through a secure I am from these three ene- ‘ briety, without the benefit of the AA ing, the logs of appetite, the black- forest, hands in pocket, whistling a program the alcoholic will start mies: forgetfulness, optimism, and outs, plus the other dismal phenom- happy tune, without a care in the musing, “I’m in better condition emotions, the F-0-Eof sobriety. ena which eventuated from the first world–completely unaware of the now, physically and mentally. Sure- A.L., Jacksonville, Florida

August 1958

A FINGER IN THE DIKE ‘.ATA CLOSED MEEIWG the other night the question was raised as to the ‘probable reason for an old timer of from eight to ten years having a slip or a relapse. We all know that whether an alcoholic has been in AA ten minutea or ten years, he is still only one drink away from a drunk. I t always alarms me when I hear of

GRASS an old timer slipping and thank God it is rare. However, I am not as alarmed as I was before this meeting. As we sat quietly waiting for some one to start the discussion, an idea came to my mind. God sent this idea to me, perhaps because I had been disturbed about this question. Very humbly I voiced that idea. You all know the story of the little Dutch boy who, by plugging a small hole in the dike with his finger, saved Holland from inundation. A ‘very small leak, if allowed to con- this seemingly unimportant defect tinue, can swamp our sobriety. Hav- in character. Soon the crack became ing accepted the AA way of life and a hole and from there on in we all by leading a happy, useful existence, know the answer. b e old timer may during one of the I believe that we are never too old twenty-four hours allow a crack to in AA to watch and think. I believe appear in his AA armor. I t may be the vast majority of older members a touch of self-prideor a bit of intol- do just that. Now I am not so much erance against Mr. or Mrs. X; a disturbed when I hear of older memmeeting he did not attend when bers slipping as sorry and compasmentally and spiritually he wanted sionate for the resultant suffering they must go through, but knowing to but physically he did not. One of they will come back, having put on any number of things could be men- the whole armor of God, the watch tioned here. Instead of pulling him- at the portal resumed and the b r q s self up short and plugging that small in the m e mended. I 1

hole in ‘the dike he continued with E. B., St. Peiersburg, Florida

July 1959

W H E N TO M . Y . 0 . B . — 0 much critical Cbnversation The difference between the champ prayer for the loved on+a prayer

S has been heard around this group of l a b 1 thought I’d write something that may help and contender-the amateur and the pro-the successfully recovered alcoholic and the slippee is inches that he or she may get back to the group in time for one more chance. If you’ve ever seen one who didn’t those who are criticizing or being and timing: inches on the clock. . . you know of what I speak. criticized. The major portion of this timing too soon or too late. New- There’s nothing like the hand silliness is toward the “slippee.” comers arrive “too soon.” Slippee shake, the smile or the funny quip We’re taught in this fellowship stays out “too long.” The b a l a n c e (and I mean funny-not brutally not to criticize, to “live and let finesse-punch is there but the sarcastic) to make the doubter want live”-M.Y.O.B., in other words. know-how isn’t. to try. You might also consider this (Translation: Mind Your Own Most slippees know they can’t viewpoint: the slippee shows you Business.) I agree that this is a drink successfully.They have work- what not to do-gives you food for very difficult task-but not impos- ed the program beautifully a t times thought. If you’re really sincere sible. I criticize occasionally and I and then tipped over. Why? Tim- you won’t bite the hand that feeds hate myself for it. I don’t dwell on ing, I believe. They didn’t wait a you. my error, however. I try harder to little longer. They reached out With this allergy, we can never maybe just one emotional inch- be sure. God forbid it should be watch my position more closely. I have discovered I don’t practice this the damage was done. The old pat- you or I who over-reaches his limiidle habit half as often now. May I tern was back into play and sooner tations some day and gets hit with tell YOU why I found it possible to or later they were drunk. a sucker punch because of an alco- S ~ P my vacuous back-biting, my Non-alcoholics undergo the same holic act or action. Let’s watch our destructive inventory-taking? pressures and make the same mis- position, not get caught off balance. One morning after waking I lay takes as we do–but either they We can be knocked out so easily. quietly smoking and suddenly it aren’t allergic to alcohol or else Anon., Bronx, N. Y. dawned on me that living is actually they channel their fears and frusta matter of inches and timing. I rations in other directions. They believe you’ll find the answer to don’t become as “chopped up” as any challenge in the loser’s dress- we do, though. ing room-not the winner’s. The So, my question is: why look so winner, because he has not lost-as amazed when one of our pals has a yet-is not conscious of the remorse slip? We’re actually not, you know. and humiliation of the loser. He is Amazed I mean. It’s something to removed from the loser’s disap talk about when we’re bored or prepoin tment in himself. tending. We might instead say a

October 1 9 5 9

BELGIUM

which is very valuable for our ad- ourselves are, like you, susceptible of vancement. being wounded-that is to say, sus- It is good for us to have, from time ceptible of slipping. But the enthusito time, experiences so clear and so asm is so strong in our ranks that our conclusive that by comparison, virtue wounded scarcely weigh us down; we THIS IS WAR! and work become what they really are-the true source of happiness and the instigators of the noblest reshuffle the load of their burdens among us and we all carry on toward the ultimate glory. The battle against alcohol is one in which feelings. In this struggle for freedom Are you by chance unaware of the defeats’are tantamount to victories. 5trugglc because your load is carried orrr “wolrnds”-or slips-cnti serve t o You alcoholics who have just not by yourself but by the rest of us? slipped, you alcoholics about to slip, Now, after reading thcse lines, you make Irs stronger you idling away your days and, know that our burden is doubled finally, you who abuse life under since we carry yours; but you know some form or other, (even if it is the also that as waves carry the ship and H E most basic law of the memory that is our fault. Not following AA T is that all thoughts which are not suggestions, we slipped. refreshed from time to time have a But we should not lose courage; tolerance of humanity for your weaknesses) know that you were born, like all the rest of us, for more worthdo not engulf it, just so defeats serve to raise us higher than the fall itself. Plunge yourself again into the battle. tendency to lose their clarity, to be- it is enough that, like a swimmer who while things. Be sure to carry your own load while come confused, to grow paler and meets a rapid current, we know that This freeing of ourselves is a work being ready to lend a helping hand to paler, and then to disappear com- we have advanced a little; or even, of long duration, a work which is the the others of us who might slip; pletely from the mind. it is enough to keep us from despair result of struggling each and every throw yourself completely and at This law can be applied to the to know that we progress, though day. A struggle cut out for us, a con- once into the good way so in oppoalcoholic, for if we relax the vigor of possibly less rapidly than we hoped quest worthy of our faith in its suc- sition to your usual habits. our attention on abstinence, we lose we would had we let go. We must cess, of our courage before obstacles, Perhaps then you would undersight of the way of life we have continue all the time. The power of our intelligence in the face of such stand better the words of Nietzsche: adopted to prevent slips. In other never to despair is a marvelous thing. a wonderful thing as our freedom “To those who interest me I wish words, if we had been fully aware of Besides, we may be able to turn even from self. suffering, isolation, sickness, bad the tactical preparations requircd in our defeats to our advantage-this is We are free only when we know treatment, opprobation; I wish them fighting this war (and war it is), we so true that we may consider the re- how to conquer our freedom, in the to know the deep mistrust of self, the might have been able to prevcnt our- sources for our self-perfection num- great struggle. No joy is gathered torture and defiance of self, distress selves from taking the first drink and . berless. without pain, all happiness presup- and defeat. I do not have pity for wc might havc bein able to direct the Several days of absolute self-in- poses some effort. them for I wish them that which war instead of submitting to it. dulgence (be it in the form of self- Know, brother in arms, that you alone can show whether they are of Our inattention, the slumbering of will, laziness, health abuses) are not are not alone in this struggle. All the value-if they are good.” our will, this relaxing, has been our slow in producing a feeling of intol- soldiers in the war in which we find E. G., Mons, Belgium undoing; the battle was inequal, and erance accompanied by self-disgust

November 1959

gratitude to AA arid all it stands “God grant me the serenity to acfor, gratitude that because of AA cept the things I cannot change,” I was there, safe and sober, for I and I know I cannot change an-

T HE telephone rang while 1 was dressing that Sunday night a little after seven and a familiar voice a t the other end of the line everything and go to him for I thought he loved n:e and needed me. I had come into AA via the back door looking for help for him. had a vision of where I might have bwn a t that very moment. I might have been sitting drinking other person. ‘l’he only person I can change is me. I pray that Cod’s plan will work out for my friend and that invited me out for a few beers. Im- I had stayrd bccausc I rcalixed with my friend in the night spot we he will come back safely to AA, mediately, I announced that I was I needed help myself. I1 had btaen had frequented so often in the past, but I cannot change him. H e must about to attend an anniversary a case of the blind leading the trying to drown the old sense of change himself. meeting, declined the invitation and blind but as time went on, he too misery and loneliness in the drinks “Courage to change the things I wished the man good luck. had come to AA. Now six months and in each other’s companionship. can. . . .”I am an alcoholic but I It was some time later that the and Lwo slips later, he had reached My car might have found i t . way don’t have to drink. I can live withfull impact of what I had said and the conclusion that he cmuld handle home that night as i t had so often out the boyfriend. I cannot live done dawned on me. Only the night a few hrers. He did riot want help. in thr past. 1 niight have woken up without AA. previously while chairing my own He only wanted my company acros.; thc next morning, head throbbing, “Wisdom to know the difference. group meeting, I had made the re- the barroom table. This he had stom;icli churning, nerves screaming. . . .” I ask only that, for all the mark that prior to coming to AA made very clear in our phone con- I might have gonc back to the old twenty-four hours left to me i n this I had never grown up emotionally. versation. way of life with :)I1 its devasbting life, I may live thcm, one day a t Now I had been t c ~ ~ t tA~ i . milrstone Sitting there that Sunday evening fears and its stabbing, aching loneli- a time, learning and sharing with had been passed. listening to the closing speaker in ncss. And Heaven only knows, I my beloved AA friends, for it is here For more than two years, when- a really tremendous meeting, I felt might have d i d that way. I might in AA that God grants me the wisever he called. I ran. I would drop hot tears sting my eyes-tears of licvcr h:we had the chance to get dom to know. t)ack to AA. A . C . B., I,owell, Mass.

December 1959

.q&&.! o siree, I don’t think I’ll ever +- N ~ u ~ft er’six rnontiw”willis forget the day Willie slipped. gan to get ‘ideas. He decided%at Its stuck with me for several certain low types-in brief, labarers, years now and every time I hear of men who were uncouth enough to some member having-well, if you have to work with their ba&like it better–a relapse, I think should be segregated to a group of Willie. of their own. Then he started to What really decided me on re- rearrange the Steps and reorganize lating Willie’s case hiztory was that the layout of the Big Book. So, just the other night a prospective actually, when Willie slipped I AA member came up with that old wasn’t too surprised, but what did one. The one I worked right down surprise me was the number of peoto the last, that he was twenty-one, ple affected. . . . that this was a free country and Heading the list was Willie’s damn it all, if he wanted a drink boss. He called me at the office it was his business! Our own busi- and gave me quite a blast. Seemed ness, yes, and everyone’s who even I’d fallen down–didn’t sponsors remotely had anything to do with look after fellows? So why had I us. Willie’s case proved that. let Willie get drunk? I’d better I sponsored Willie and he was snap out of it and get hold of a bad one. An extremely clever Willie quick–or else! And, just to chemist, a likable fellow but a rcal clinch it, he implied that maybe dyed-in-the-wool alcoholic. I’d gone this AA wasn’t so hot after all. I to school with him, and his wife put down the phone and softly hnd learned that I belonged to AA cursed the low-down so and so and and called me one afternoon to ask figured maybe it wasn’t much wonme to please come over. der Willie had slipped. . Well, Willie was in a repentant Well, that was only the start, mood. His job had reached that Willie’s wife phoned, said to come there-won’t-be-a-next-time stage, so right over. I drove around, expect- \ he was a willing listener. ing to find Willie there, but she Willie took to the AA program didn’t even know where he was. like any guy who knows he has to Seemed he’d started Friday night do something-ar else. He went and this was Monday. The housemeeting-crazy, he turned into a hold was so disrupted, she’d kept fanatic on AA. His boss, his wife the kids home from school. Teas . and his kids all fell on my neck had that frightened, hopeless look and wcrc! grateful all over the placc. again, just likc she’d had the first In turn, I glowed all over the time I’d gone there. The two boys,

THE DAY THAT WILLIE SLIPPED place (with becoming modesty, of ten and twelve, looked sort of decourse). Willie sure was It, at first. fiant, as much as to say, “Not

again!” In fact they all kinda looked they also took Willie, his wife and a t me as if it were all my fault. kids as well as some of those holier- So far Willie’s boss and his ofice than-thou AA guys who had been associates were stirred up as well hanging around so much–especias his wife and boys. I went home ally since Willie had been away. a t noon in a vile mood, bawled out Well siree, I figured it: there my wife, raised the devil with my were thirty-four people directly aflittle girl and sent her to school fected, upset, disturbed, perturbed, almost crying. Yes siree, Willie’s thrown off schedule-from the time slip was catching on. Willie skidded until he got back So it went. I finally caught up to work and to AA. How many with Willie two days later, in jail. were affected indirectly . . . well, He’d got into a fight, broken a who knows? plate-glass door in a barroom and Yes, the story ended better than raised Hades in general. some do. Willie learned his lesson I went to a meeting that night and I’d bet real folding money on and our little group was upset too, Willie now. And you know, selfishbecause Willie’s activities had got ly speaking, I’m sort of glad Willie around town. I got Willie a lawyer slipped because one night last year and he got off with a stiff fine. Two I nearly slipped myself and then weeks later he got back to work, I got to thinking of Willie. I figured luckily, but not bcforc one of his I didn’t care so much about mycreditors had gone around to his self but I sure didn’t want to upset house and threatened to take away thirty-four other people. I didn’t a new chesterfield. take that first one. The neighbors saw this one and Sure makes a fellow think . . . they were affected in various ways, no siree-4’11 never forget the day too. Some were sorry and some Willie slipped! thought it would be a good idea if H. C., Palmerston Group, Ontario

January 1960

thing -something one does not This pattern has continued the seem able to measure until he has past years though I continued to had an experience in AA. seek out the help of AA time and Whenever I drank I was a hospital time again. I had gone through the case unless the police saw fit to cut pattern of blaming everything and short my drunks. As time went on everyone. Over a n d over I h a d my periods of active alcoholism gained confidence in many things shortened as the periods of sobering only to lose hold of them through up in painful stages lengthened. the bottle. I thought: Where am I wrong? Last week hope came to me in a I see AA working for people who letter from a fellow who had spoken are staying sober by sharing their a t one of our regular weekly meetexperiences with me and others in ings of the hospital group. I had rethe room who are suffering. What quested copies of two poems he had have I missed while in my agony? used in his talk and he, in typical During a particular hospitaliza- AA fashion, sent them to me, along tion of about six months’ duration, with a short note saying he would I kept at the Big Book, The Twelve enjoy hearing from some of our Steps and Twelve Traditions. I read members. – .b and reread all the literature I could This note showed me the reason a a* SINCERELY IN AA find. I attended weekly AA meetings at the hospital. I was made secretary I repeatedly failed when it came to finding sobriety in AA. There was and tried to keep active. nothing profound about it, though 1 Upon release I obtained employ- appreciated it as a wonderfully typiment in an institution at which there cal AA gesture. For some reason, and F IETEEN trips in and out of State Hospitals. Many short-term hospitalizations and jail sentences. Time involved: eleven years. whole-heartedly I was of that small percentage who pathologically could not find sobriety, even though I wanted it desperately. was a very active AA group. By somehow piling up three months of sobriety there, I was made secretary I care to think of it as spiritual, I reread the note and like a flash four words bolted from the page. Present status: Hospitalized. Rea- As an alcoholic kid just out of the of the group. Three or four meetings He had signed it, Sincerely in AA. son: Chronic Alcoholism. At the age Navy I had sought out AA through a week in and around the county was He meant exactly that. I had heard of thirty-one this is my life in retro- a friend whom I knew had been hell my AA speed. By staying sober I him talk and nailed him in conversaspect. But now I know the reason I on wheels with a bottle, but had re- was advanced in my job. My wages tion after the meeting. He was AA. was unable to find the sobriety I had cently sobered up. He suggested I were increased and more responsi- Had I been sincerely in AA over wanted in AA. The reason, I found, go along with him and in a few days bility was given to me. the years? Even though I had gone came to me only a week ago and I I found myself at my first AA meet- Three months later, drunk, sick, through many motions and had been would like to share this experience ing. and emotionally out of control, I active many times, I had not been with you. As I look back I do not feel I was was rehospitalized again. As I so- sincerely in AA. I had left some During past years I had been ex- trying to placate my family or bered up physically I tremulously part of me out and it certainly has posed to good solid AA. Yet some- friends. Even a t that age and with sought out the help of AA, working been expensive to me and those 1 where I was in error. I had even only three or four years of drinking through the gloom of familiar alco- love. come to the point where I believed behind me I was looking for some- holic depression. Left out had been the practice of

thinking, eating, and sleeping AA in us out of AA if we are to remain all my affairs. sober. . In just the time it takes to read Last night I went to our weekly the last few paragraphs I had come meeting and I felt for the first time to know and believe that as alco- I was sincerely in AA. Thank God. holics we cannot leave any part of E . B., Orangeburg Group, N . Y .

March 1960

that I did not want to face the many guide my destiny. I saw in this’ people with whom I had shared my pride the foolish vanity of human strength and my despairs. I found frailty. And so I went back and back myself suddenly too proud to go and back, taking in five and six back to AA. meetings a week. Of course, I was at an AA meet- I knew that not once, even during three days after the downing of ing those horrible hours when I was that pint, but for a while it was as once more a captive of the bottle, if AA had changed. I began to feel had I retracted the knowledge that that the men of real character must I was powerless over alcohol and that be looking down at me for being my life was unmanageable. Cerweak. tainly there would be those who But thanks to my higher power I would look down on me, but what was able to take that all important of it? inventory. All of the truths which I was still the victim of a dread- I had come to believe without ful disease. I determined that if it equivocation no longer seemed abso- was necessary to stand in the middle lute as I began this self-analysis. of town and drink a bottle of medi- But why should this be so? If they cine labeled “For Alcoholism” I were truths before a pint, why were should do so if it would mean staythey any less true afterwards? I ing sober; for staying sober had came to one quick conclusion, that given me the best two years of my was this: if I had s t a y d sober for life, which included the ten years I two years and four months- the drank socially between the ages of longest period of sobriety in the last twenty-three and thirty-three. ten years of my drinking -was it Back to my old group, despite a logical that I could stay sober even dreadful feeling of being a weakling, a month outside of AA? The answer I found many tolerant members who

I USED to wonder why it was that give the answer, at least my own anso many alcoholics who had swer for myself. Because as I write come to AA and lived a happy this letter I am now dry for exactly life for months, even years, found it two months. I, because I permitted came back to me in an emphatic made me feel that they did not cennegative. sure me for my moment of weakness. I began to recall all the case his- And so I swallowed my false pride tories of those who had departed because I know that AA is the only impossible to return after a relapse. myself the indulgence of taking on after a relapse into the drink and prescription for the alcoholic. Why, I used to ask myself, was it problems which I could not resolve, what had happened to them. I real- During those grim days when I that a man who had enjoyed sobristy took down almost in three gulps a ized, too, that I had not always been was hanging on desperately to reand who obviously had come to ac- pint of gin. Even as I was drinking tolerant down inside myself of those gain the lost security, I was visited cept himself powerless over alcohol, it my AA self was revolted by the who had been weak. Was I not by another former member who once returned to the bottle, often spectacle, but it was two weeks be- projecting my own intolerance on three years ago had taken “a walk” tried to go it alone? fore I could think straight again. others? Of course I was. from AA. We talked of AA and Now, after two years and four I found myself debating if I could Pride had gone before a fall with whether it was necessary for him. months without a drink, I think I can not stay sober on my own. I found me and I was about to let pride Although he had been in the hospital

for hepatitis and DTS, he said that think. Those who have written me he did not want ever to come back off are of no importance to me. I canto AA-he knew that he could do not afford another drunk or another it alone. drink. I cannot permit myself to Looking at him sitting there, a write myself off. Many times I have man whom I had known since high repeated the line in AA talks that school, I could see the tenseness and there is no such thing as a hopeless the fierceness of his pride. He spoke alcoholic, but with one qualifying almost flippantly of his trouble and phrase: if that person is willing to I recognized these alcoholic ration- do every.thing in his power to stay alizations for what they w e r e p u r e sober. vanity. I must stay sober for me and so I told him that I had made the I am starting all over again with a decision to work the AA program a deeper knowledge of what I have to day at a time again because I had rec- do to keep away from utter despair. ognized that in my last four months I realize more fully that taking an of sobriety I had tried to change the inventory every day when things things which I just did not have the seem all wrong is vital. courage nor the ability to change. I I hope that all alcoholics who retold him that I had to have AA and lapse, whether it is after a month or I was willing to put up a desperate twenty years of AA sobriety, will fight to regain the ground which I examine themselves before they had lost. make the terrible decision to live Two months have passed and I no with this disease alone. . longer worry about what others F. E., Washington, D. C .

March 1960

again regain any semblance of con- alize as well as justify some of the tinued sobriety. I have seen so many things I can do or say that would not who a t one time were active, dedi- be God-pleasing. cated members become complacent, I am running scared that I might eventually inactive and finally at- sit back and take the attitude that tempt controlled drinking-all with- I’ve done my share. out any success in the attempt to be I am running scared because I social drinkers. don’t want self-sufficiency to get its I I am running scared because I foot in the door. Self-sufficiency in

Running know that insidiously I became an any case would be a return to my old alcoholic. I didn’t plan it that way. system of thinking and living. I have My parents didn’t plan it that way. all kinds of proof that it is the system But I sure got to be one. Now I am that put me behind the eight ball. I just as sure that insidiously I can want no part of it. again become a drinking alcoholic. I am running scared of becoming

Scared I have heard many people in hospi- involved-involved to the point tals and nursing homes tell me in all where frustration could set in. I seriousness from the bottom of their truly believe for me to be frustrated hearts that they would never drink for any length of time would cause again. Some of these people, after a me to drink just for the temporary week, five years, ten years, even relief I know I a n get with the use of eighteen years of continued sobriety, alcohol. No matter how long I stay have gone back to drink. Why? sober, I know that I will never forget Because somewhere along the line the temporary relief from frustration their thinking changed about their I can get when I drink alcohol. need for AA. How did their thinking I am running scared when I think change? Insidiously. They wcrc not of how many of my good.friends in being diligent and vigilant in their AA hide behind some poor excuse for application of the principles of AA. not taking part in AA beyond the confines of their particular group- I mean that I am in constant fear that I might drink within the next the track athlete who doesn’t want to lose the race; therefore he puts out the extra effort to win. The politician makes the extra appearances, They were no longer running scared that they might return to their old system of thinking and living. I am running scared that I might running scared for them because AA needs the time, talent and a little treasure from its members, so that hour or the next day. I’m running the salesman pulls out all of thestops lose this priceless privilege of staying millions who still suffer might be scared like a politician when he is and leaves nothing to chance and the sober through AA if I don’t fulfill the saved from a drunkard’s grave. running for office and he knows that runner excels in every effort to win. obligation that goes with mcmber- I am running scared because I his opponent is very strong. I’m run- I am running scared because I ship in AA. This obligation includes know that better men than I have ning scared like a salesman who is have seen, through the course of proper intentions and honest motivcs wound up on skid row because they . after a n order and he knows that his seventeen years in AA, a steady behind everything I do and say. all believed: “It can’t happen to me.” competitor also has a good chance to stream of men and women who “had I am running scared because I But it did happen to them. get the deal. I’m running scared like i t made” return to drink and never might become lax and start to ration- H.B.,Independence,Ohio

July 1960

OLD-TIMER PROBLEM?

questions and answers that-need to H AVING three-years’ sobriety behind me, I am not at all an old-timer-neither am I a newcomer back and wait for my valuable opinions to bc sought. And most important, I hope I will remember that come to light. But I want help from many others who have experienced to the program. These have been I have just been sober today, and like what I have been through. And there three happy years. It is a joy to wake the poor, shaking creature next to are many, far too many, who still up in thc mornings-no guilty con- me, I am only one drink away from haven’t madc it back. science, no remorse over yesterday, catastrophe. A billion or more words have bcen no despair at the outcome of today. M . B., Racine, Wisconsin written and spoken for the new mcm- Lately, though, an uneasiness has * * * ber. Perhaps now the cycle ..– of time. been creeping in. I have watched two has come around for AA to face ri THEREis not a single pamphlet forold-timers-each with more than ten new problem: the diminishing oldthe old-timers who go through two years of sobriety-slip and slip again or three years in a nightmare before timcrs. and not be able to resume practicing managing to get back on to the AA As a start on gathering and assimithe AA program in their lives. Why program . . . or else. lating information, I would welcome is this? These men had lived the pro- Thanks to God I made it back. letters from anyone who cares to gram well. They had practiced total Many was the time I thought about write mc on this “Old-Timer Comc abstinence for many years. They had Back Problem.” Maybe wc can come the lack of help for old-timers worked diligently with newcomers trapped as I was, but decided to wait up with enough material for an and one had been very much in de- until I had made it dry again for one article in the Grapevine. mand as a speaker all over the state. year. I finally did on St. Patrick’s day. L. A . B., Prairie Village, Kansas They did slack off going to meetings * * * Now I’m ready to pursue my ambitoward the last, though. Maybe they tion to help other old-timers. So many of the old-timers who felt they had served their time. . . . I had had ten years and eleven havc been out of touch with AA for “Let the younger ones take over. Late months in AA when I fell off into a a year or more are returning-some night calls are a nuisance and making living hell. who have had no trouble, others who coffee and washing cups is tiresome.” A year or so ago I wrote General have had. . . . You know what I hope? I hope, Services in New York for literature A . P. M., North Miami, Florida when 1have ten years’ sobriety I will and recdved an apology that there remember that I wrote this. I hope was no literature specifically for old- I will remember that I decided that timers; I was advised that I simply eternal vigilance is something an al- try to start over as a beginncr. This coholic must always have. T hope I advicc is right-up to the point where will remember that I know at feast the old-timer can again grasp his enone meeting a week is of utmost im- thusiasm for the program. This was portance to me and that it is part of my fight. my responsibility to see to the logis- Now that I have had my year to tics of these meetings and not just sit clear my head, I feel there are some

September 1960

I WENT THROUGH a sobering experience last February – after almost five years of sobriety in AA. I had wrote about AA: “I have questioned many who slipped, and I have never found one who took a drink if he struggled for some weeks with a per- asked God that morning to keep him sistent flu and was dragged down sober during the day.” physically and emotionally. I had a So what did I do? I prayed like hell, bad case of that “all gone” feeling, if you’ll pardon the expression -and plus a flare-up of chronic self-pity. the urge evaporated within five min- No fever by that time, but still – utes. under the doctor’s orders -confined Later, I did a little self-analysis. It to the house, and fretting about a had been some time since I had spepiled-up desk in the office. cifically asked for sobriety. I had Suddenly, about eleven o’clock one instead prayed to the rather nebulous. morning, I wanted a drink. Perhaps it God of my understanding that I might wasn’t the drink itself I wanted, but live the day in the way he would want the oblivion that would follow the me to live (which, I told myself, one-drink-plus-a-lot-more that I included staying sober, of course). knew I would take. Had I been getting a bit complacent, This was a kind of wanting differ- maybe? A bit too self-assured? ent from any I had experienced be- At any rate, the episode taught me fore. The other times were more like one thing that I knew theoretically wishful thinking: “My feet are cold anyway: No alcoholic ever has it – too bad 1 can’t have a drink to made. My near brush with drinking warm them up” or “I’m on edge and has also helped me to understand the won’t sleep – too bad I can’t take a sliders better, to be less intolerant nightcap.” with slips. “There, but for the grace But this was a real want, a definite of God, go I.” and specific urge. It was a bad five minutes, but it has The stuff was in the house, too – paid off in heightened realization of kept there for a nonalcoholic hus- my own helplessness and of my conband who needs it and nonalcoholic stant need for the support of other friends who enjoy it. AA members and of that Higher But from somewhere, I remem- Power. bered reading what a clergyman E. B.

March 1961

“Don’t skip meetings” From S. P., Baltimore, Maryland: dren and that I could bless them and I have never written to the Grapevine get a lot from them. You see, I had before, but here goes anyway. my three beautiful children taken I have been sober a year and a half from me seven years ago. My baby in this wonderful fellowship of AA. wasn’t yet two. I learned that, al- I first came to AA two and a half though these women had their chilyears ago and stayed dry eleven dren, they went to meetings and they months. I say dry, because that is all listened, because they had a disease I was. I was thrilled with everything that needed treating and an AA about AA and I wanted it. I thought meeting was their treatment. If they’d everyone in it was a saint. For the had cancer or TB they would have first time in my life I ,had friends, but needed treatment, so they accepted as time wore on, the glow wore off. this AA program and were staying I became resentful of the very ones sober. I’ve learned that I’m human who had helped me. One of my spon- too, and I need these treatments. sors started to drink. I wanted to be My sponsor once told me that all like the other one and couldn’t. I be- the faults I find in other people are came bored at meetings and started just reflections of my own. So when I going to fewer of them. In the end, I get into a fault-finding mood, I start got drunk. on me, and I get so busy, because I When I came back after my last have so many faults, that I don’t have drunk I wanted to be sober more than time to worry about anyone else. anything, so I decided so listen to I’ve found that the people in AA these people I had resented. I’ve are just people, thank God, for if they learned that they’re all humans with were anything else, I’m afraid I the virtues and faults of all humans- couldn’t live up to them. God bless in other words, just like me. I found all of you wonderful humans in AA. I was no worse or no better than any one of them. I found that many of the women still had their homes and chil-

April 1 9 6 1

what of an authority on the subject, meeting nobody was very friendly and, after having talked to a number and there were so many new faces. of others who have also returned He left abruptly, feeling a little guilty from limbo, has drawn a few timid and mothering a resentment against conclusions. Timid, because conclu- AA and all its works. He didn’t go to sions imply generalities and generali- any more meetings after that; it ties usually do not fit alcoholics. wasn’t worth the effort. Furthermore, Let’s look at Joe X., a typical AA he couldn’t stand all the talk about member, eight years sober, success- the Higher Power. There was no ful in his work, happy at home, living longer any doubt about it, that conthe kind of quiet well-organized life cept was just a lot of whipped-cream he wanted so desperately that soul- nonsense created by a lot of Boy shaking day eight years prcviously, Scout personalities who dreamed it when he stumbled into his first meet- up to blind themselves to the squareing. Now, for some reason he can’t cornered shape of reality. fathom, his complacency is shattered. Joe drank shortly thereafter, first He doesn’t feel good. His stomach is with moderate control, then disasupset. He gets headaches, he snarls trously, and is now trying painfully to 1 at his wife, snaps at the kids, and unravel the tangled yarn of his life. thinks he can’t stand another minute He was lucky. Some don’t recover An examination into the causes and consequences of the hectic pace that the world de- at all. of taking that first drink mands of him. His boss has becomc stupid, his wife dull, and his life a terrible bore and certainly a waste of ing comfort of a few drinks to alle- his natural talent. A few weeks ago R ECENTLY, a young man with six years in AA walked over to his liquor closet, poured himself a drink viate what the casual observer must think of as a minor and passing dishe found himself remembering how pleasant was the blue bar with the Insanity? The product of willful and, with a barely perceptible shrug comfort. For some reason, after per- light music and the dark brunette, distortion? Evidence of a neurotic of his shoulders, started off on a haps seven, or nine, or twelve years, and he lingered fondly over the personality? It could be all of these monumental slip. By odd and un- they pulled the cork on the bottle memory. Later he recalled the gra- things, but on the other hand, it could related coincidence, his neighbor, a of pain and misery that they had cious ease with which he talked after be no more than an average individlady with ten years of happy sobriety, once put aside with enormous relief a few drinks; he remembered what ual’s gradual return to alcoholism via concluded that state over the New and a new sense of hope. a really pleasant fellow he became. the route pointed out by three sign Year’s holiday. What can those who are left with He lingered over that too. posts to ruin: inertia, indifference Both of these people have several sobriety intact learn from these un- . Joe went to a meeting, the first one and complacency. things in common; they are bright, fortunates-those who do manage to in a month, but sat in a back row Joe forgot that years of sobriety pleasant, secure in job and home, come back? Why did these people thinking that the speaker wasn’t very have nothing to do, in themselves, possess nice families and lay claim slip? Don’t the years of sobriety good, that the crowd was a little with the quality of sobriety. There to a fairly peaceful present and ap- count for anything? gauche in its smiling and laughter, must be a daily renewal through the parently agreeable future. Yet they As one who has suffered a similar and that AA wasn’t really what it continued practice of the fundamenwere willing to risk all for the fleet- experience, this writer feels so.me- used to be. Worst of all, after the tal principles of the program. But

most of all, he did not remember to Joe knows now, in every fiber of use the simplest means at his disposal his being, that in order to protect to insure his continual sense of direc- sobriety o n e must keep a daily vigition, purpose, and well being; he lance..Those many old-timers whose failed to maintain a working contact sobriety broadens and deepens with with the fellowship of AA. He be- the passing years have kept it by came centered once again on self. He jealously guarding their contact with drifted into false pride, rebellion, the heart and soul of AA. And finally, fear, worry. Once again he became he has learned that on this highway self-sufficient, and when he did that one may travel a long way and reach he became an outsider-alone, aloof, many cherished destinations, but that and suspicious. He drifted and failed there is no stopping. to take note of his whereabouts. W . D., Rowapron, Conn.

May 1961

Heard At Open Meetings SLIPS

For an AA, drinking is wrong. And if he does something hc knows is wrong, it is liablc to lead back to drinking. A chain is no strongcr than its weakest link. The Twclvc Steps are like a chain-no Step can be safely ignored or rejected. Make a list of all that drinking cost you. Read it over whcn you feel like taking a drink. We alkies were great procrastinators. All right, now, procrastinate about taking a drink. One drink and we’re all new members. A slip is a slip of the mind; the drinking follows. Ask yourself, “What did alcohol do for me?” and “What did it do to me?” Then balance them. If twenty-four hours seems like an eternity, you can stay sober one breath at a time! For us, “experimenting” with a drink is like playing Russian roulette.

February 1 9 6 2

Please Kind To image, my mind became sharper and that night. I took off for this new my thinking more lucid by the day. neighborhood, arriving a little after The inventory I took was horrifying 11:OO A.M., drank in the area all and devastating. day, arrived on time-and pro- By Tuesday of the second week, I ceeded to leud the meeting. I would had had it; 1 could take no more and not stay afterwards, but old-timers 1 had to do something-anything. tell me that I stated in no uncertain On that ninth day, I came out of the terms that I would be back. Once flea bag, knowing that 1 was going to again I closed a gin mill. do something. I headed for the sub- The next morning I again called way. But my lcgs were wobbly so 1 AA and was informed that there was stopped in a bar for a double shot. an open meeting at the Lenox Hill . While 1 stood thcre, the thought Group in Manhattan. (In those days of AA came over me. I had never we did not have meetings in each consciously heard of AA; its reputa- metropolitan area every day in the Yorr never know when the word tion was by no means wide-spread in week including Sunday.) I arrived in the fall of 1948. Why or where the the Lcnox Hill area around 11:00 or may seep ttzrorigh magic letters came from, I will never 11 :30 A.M., drank around that secknow. In any case, I looked up the tion until 8:30 P.M., then attended N a Monday in October, 1948, number of Intergroup and called. I the meeting. I have no idea who -the guy in the mirror-and he had 0 I embarked on the final bender that brought me into AA. Since 1931 been the greatest living authority on any given subject, a fascinating conirelated part of my story to the person spoke or what was said, but I d o who answered and was told that I know that 1 came out filled with recould find help at a nearby AA meet- sentment. There had been no red I had suffered from chronic black- panion. This time, however, the guy carpet treatment for the great ME. outs and my benders were usually ing. in the mirror was undergoing a I knocked off the booze to get 1 had been completely lost and subthe same. I would start each morning metamorphosis. He was dirty and bcin a gin mill and stay until it closed there at the scheduled time of 8:30 merged in the shufne. coming dirtier by the day. He was P.M., not realizing that that meant The other two groups had been at 4 A.M. However, around eleven unshaven and his whiskers were beeach evening I would go out, buy a 9 :00 AA time. Fortunately, some- smaller and I had been. observed, coming shaggier. His white shirt was one was there setting up chairs and greeted and fussed over, even though quart of whiskey, secure a room in a changing to gray and then to greasy I was persuaded to stick around. I had taken over the closed meeting. neighborhood flea bag, leave the black. His clothes were getting whiskey in the room and then return I sat through the meeting. I don’t The members had seen an ember sloppy and spotted, unfit even for the know who spoke or what was said. I burning in the fire and had tried to to the bar until it closed. While I was ragman. on one of these bouts I would not re- refused to stay for coffee, cake and pluck it out. Lenox Hill had let it Finally, by the end of a week n ~ y chit-chat because 1 had an urgent burn, and it did. turn home for days or even weeks. companion in the mirror was a com- Friday morning I again called AA On this last bender I was unable duty to perform-securing a quart plete bum and my senses had become and a room to put it in and closing from my morning gin mill and to find the surcease of oblivion. The so acute, due to the reverse action of learned that the nearest meeting was more and longer I drank, the clearer my bar. the alcohol, that I could now smell Next morning, after I had had my at Richmond Hill, Brooklyn. Drunk my alleged mind became. This was him as well, and he stank more and sheer horror. Always before, I had double eye opener, I again called or sober, I have never been able to more. Worse yet, while this physical lntergroub rret to Brooklyn and back without . from a bar and was told had the finest company in the world change was coming over my mirror – u

there was a closed meeting at nine getting lost, and all I knew about

Richmond Hill was that it was No attended three meetings on the ninth, Man’s Land between Flushing and tenth and eleventh nights of a rough, Brooklyn, so I decided not to go to a tough bender, and on the twelfth meeting that night. I spent the day night of that bender, when I didn’t and evening in a bar drinking and go to a meeting, I quit drinking. I thinking. I was about to order an- had been a daily drinker and had other shot late in the evening, when never quit cold turkey. Somehow, I happened to look up at the clock though, something in those three and saw that it was two minutes to meetings had gotten through into my twelve. Out of the blue, I said to my- drink-sodden brain, something had self, “Two minutes to midnight and found the small smoldering spark of Saturday morning coming up. To humanness left in my vegetable-like hell with this.” I slammed my glass carcass. I no longer wonder what it on the bar, walked out and went was. I feel that I now know. The home for the first time in almost two spiritual atmosphere of the AA mectweeks. ings had somehow hit me. The spark My wife drove me to a meeting still left had been fanned into name every night after that for three ,solid by what actuated and motivated the weeks. At the end of that time, she people at those meetings, reaching handed me the car keys one night down inside me and stirring what and told me that she guessed I was there was left of my original spirit. now fit and able to handle the car. I Thank God I had been in AA felt as though I was being awarded a some months before 1 saw this sign college degree. in an AA meeting place: When I entered t h e J a c k s o n Heights meeting at 9:00 that night, IF YOU ARE SOBER I had not had a drink in twenty-one YOU ARE W Z ! days for the first time in thirty-five (F YOU ARE ORUNK years. I love to tell this story of my YOU ARE NDZ! entry into AA because many people many times question the wisdom of Incidentally, that sign has disapallowing drunken bums like me to peared. I may have been partially sit in on meetings, arguing that we responsible because I took good care, can’t possibly derive any benefit. Be- when 1 happened to return to that sides, some say, people in that condi- group to speak, to tell the detailed tion stink up the premises. story of my entrance into AA. I like to point out that, stoned, I P . W.,Jackson Heights, N . Y.

March 1962

ensuing six ycars was to escapc from provc 1 was “powcrlcss ovcr alcomyself-to bury my shame-as 1 felt hol.” But, I had wastcd valuablc timc I had failed in AA as I had failed my wondcring whcthcr a certain adjecfamily, my employcrs and my Higher tive applicd to me. Power. In 1953, having livcd through all how long should it take to During this six-year interval I lost . of thc things I had hcard rclatcd in evcrything I possessed, not only all closcd mcctings, and having been “make” A A worldly possessions, but family, beatcn right down to the gutter, friends and respect in my field of nothing mattcrcd to mc but thc hopc work. I went heav~lyinto debt, wcll of sobricty, which I wantcd more

S TUPIDLY, my grcat downfallafter nearly two sober years in AA–came about because of a mis- Uccause of staying sober in AA for awhile, I prospered in business. And the more I prospered the more into the five-figure brackct. than anything on earth. In fact, at . Early in 1953 I had reachcd a low this point I had to havc sobricty to “bottom,” and crawled back to AA. live. A few months bcforc, in a large conception of the First Step. I wondered about my experience as This time I read the First Step with hospital to which I had bccn admit- In 1945 I had suffered very little compared to my fcllow members who definite undcrstanding for thc first ted sufrcring from chronic and acutc from my chronic alcoholism. Sheer kept saying they were “alcoholics,” timc. I observcd that it said, “Wc ad- alcoholism and il livcr cnlargcment luck had saved me from jails, and a and had been so much worse off than mitted wc were powcrlcss over alco- niorc sevcrc than liad cvcr bccn sccn loving and patient family spared me I had been. hol”-nary a word about being “an in that hospital, I was givcn just two from many humiliations which I At the same time I heard it fre- alcoholic”! I was not sensitive then- weeks to live. richly deserved. I had lost several quently said that “in the First Step or before-about the word, but be- God must have had other plans for , jobs, but each time moved on to bet- we admitted we were alcoholics.” fore my interest had been in whether nie, as I pulled through to comc back ter ones. And I began to wonder whether, by I qualified as “an alcoholic” as I to AA, frcc from worry ovcr dcfini- Early in 1945 when I had just lost comparison, I was really an alco- hcard it referred to in mectings. tions, and dcdicatcd to hclping ncw a particularly good job with a rosy holic, or had I just been using a Now I suddenly realized that all nienibcrs who haven’t becn hurt too future because of a month-long wrong mental attitude in my drink- I had to do was ask myself a simple badly. I want them and thcir familics binge, I came to AA. In meeting after ing. In other words, I was doing a lot question: “Am I or am I not powcr- to bc sparcd all of thc suffering that meeting I heard fellow members tell of silly rationalizing, and dwelling on less ovcr alcohol?” I didn’t havc to will comc if thcy rcvcrt to drinking of gruesome experiences in jails the comparison of myself and fellow compare myself or my cxpericnccs as I did. I will urgc thcm to rcad the and “booby-hatches”-of wrecked members. with anyone, just answcr a simplc First Stcp literally, and ask themhomes, destitution and skid row, and Naturally this led to a “blow-of£” question. In 1945 I had had ample sclvcs thc sinlple question containcd each time they prcfaced their re- in less than two ycars, and I reverted evidence in twcnty-four years of irra- thcrcin-“Arc you or are you not marks by’saying, “My name is Joe, to drinking, but with increased con- tional or “alcoholic” drinking to ‘powcrlcss ovcr alcohol?’ ” and I’m an alcoholic.” sumption. My whole object for the J . L. S., Miami, FIa.

April 1962

Since I no longcr have the faintcst AA niecting or talkcd to an AA compulsion to match stories with friend for some four years. Technianyone, I have had some second cally I had amassed thirteen ycars of I WAS TOO thoughts about this “out” I gave my- sobriety. self. Somewhere in the AA literature But what did I have to show for I read recently that effective Twelfth it? Superficially: scars. I had in- YOUNG Step work of any kind is one of the ‘ curred dcfcat in every department of gauges we have of our spiritual de- my life. I had pursued and failed to I velopment. 1 am inclined to accept achieve all the falsc prizes in the this. Child-like Faith is a pretty book, and a couplc of the real ones, fully to grasp thing, and rare, i~ndI am gratcful and in the course of pushing myself that 1 had it, but it wants a bit of toward goals I did not attain-and the Program. Then, after 13 years of reinforcing as timc bunips along and collapsing whcn I didn’t-I had the road gets a little rougher. hrokcn my health mentally and, to sobriety, there came a 12th Step call Perhaps partly as a consequence some extent, physically. of a lack of this particular kind of This “breakdown” occurred about growth. and bccausc two of my a ycilr and a half before I returned HAT I have been taught by life it (on my good days I am awed closest friends i n tlic Fellowship de- to the program and it is not what of grief and loss, and even the still). It was easy for me to turn over cided it was not for them, 1 drifted brought mc back. In fact, I made no experience of guilt, has come to me my will, which had proved non- away. It was an unprcmeditatcd, connection bctwcen my sick tensions not as a by-product of drinking but existent, to a power greater than my- gradual separation. My rcilsons for rind tlic Iilck of A A in my life. I did as part of being sober; not in the self which had worked, in one day, sticking around micl going to any onc conclutle, howcvcr, that cight years years that came before AA but in a wonder I had not been able to ac- particular mccting sccmcd to havc of a supposedly tcrniinatcd analysis the years after I joined it. This is not complish by myself in one year. evaporatcd; I had done my stints as had gone a littlc wide of tlic mark. how the story is supposed to go, but It was a joy to me to listen tor secretary of one group and treasurer The psychiatric authorities to whom it’s my story and that’s how it went. stories of recovery told by people of another. Drinking no longer both- I rcpairetl rathcr indignantly with In part, this was a rcsult of timing. with eight, ten and fifteen years of ered me; I found thcrc was plenty of news of this failure, <leclincd to cntcr My actual career as an active alco- sobriety, for this gave me courage fun to be had in the world without into the guilt for it with me. And I holic was over almost before it be- and hope that my recovery would a glass in my,hand. I was starting to declined t o c n t c r i n t o f u r t h e r gan, and certainly before I had a last too. But when it came time to work very hard in my profcssion, therapy. I just stoppcd bclicving in chance to find out much about the give away what had been given to which is writing. And I was going it. (For me.) rcst of living. I started drinking at me, I ran into a snag. I felt inade- to an analyst fivc timcs a week to This left nic in the uncnviablc but sixteen, was drinking alcoholically quate when it came to carrying the straighten out niy pcrsonidity difli- interesting position of being slightly by the timc I was nineteen, and threw message and twelfth-stepping strang- culties. Loyalty-as childlike as my nutty, knowing it, showing it and dein the towel three years later at my crs. I put this down to the fact that Faith-would havc forbade me say- ciding to Ict the condition heal itself. first AA meeting. In the course of I was so young (it was not as usual ing so, but I really think I felt I had Insofar as physical health is conthat meeting and the many that fol- then as it is now); and to the fact outgrown thc need for AA. ccrned the dccision was hazardous. lowed, I was relievcd cntircly of the that thc high bottom nature of my At any ratc, whcn I came back to. But pcrhi~psit is questionable what compulsion to drink. drinking made it impossible for me the program last fall after niy long mcrc physical doctoring could have Relief from this obsession scemed to match stories with the people I was absence which surprisingly did rtot accomplished at that point without a miracle to me and I was awcd by trying to help. include a slip, I had not been to an some psychic and emotional change.

In an attempt to grasp ‘at rcality have described? And once I wanted ing hcalth-mental and physicalare calamities which come under the it, what defense was there left against restored order, even productivity in in some form, I took the first job that head of natural disaster. Such a came my way. It was likc trying to that first drink? By my own admis- work, although in coming off cloud calamity overcame a very dear friend sion, I had no defenses. seven as in coming off a drunk, these drive a car with several teeth missing of minc in the form of a sudden fatal from the gears. It left me open to Except that once upon a time I are the first indications of progress, illness. Seeing the life of a loved one rejection by the people who had had been taught these words and . and welcome ones. I am referring to cut short shocked me into re-evaluat- made them my own: “We admitted inner evcnts which are affirmative: hired me. And this occurred. It was an experience without satisfaction of ing my own. Just being alive became we were powerless over alcohol . . . the identifying and relinquishing of important. I began to pray again and that our livcs had become unmanage- attitudes which block growth, and any kind and the reality I sought to to think in terms of the survival of embrace rcccdcd farthcr away. able. Came to believe that a Power which match all outward progress the spirit rather than the revival of greater than ourselvcs could restore with mounting inner strain. In some dcspcration I rented an the ego. If I still did not seek mcanoffice away from my apartment in us to sanity. Made a decision to turn In my case the most hurtful and ingful human help of the kind that our will and our livcs over to the insistent of these was the pursuit of order to try to get mysclf on a day- was needed, at least I became ready time schedule instead of missing care of God as we understood Him.” happiness as a goal in itself, an infor it. And then help came. Someone I think that this admission, this be- sistence upon personal happiness as . every third night’s sleep which had I kncw socially turned out to be worbecome almost a habit. I tried to go lief and this decision survived in my if it were my due. By attempting to ried about a drinking problem, heart-part of AA that I did not let go of this last obsession I have at back to writing for myself, some- wanted AA and called me. thing I had avoided. All that I nian- know was there, a bond that was last been introduced to the expcri- I have come to look on this as one ‘felt but not understood which kept ence of trying to live my life on a aged were scraps of things-an occa- of those AA miracles you read and sional poem, notes for longer work. me safe. And that by ignoring or twenty-four-hour-a-day basis, an exhear about. Apparently there had to simply not comprehending the other perience which has brought me a This was a sort of faltcring first step be a drinking problem somewhere in the dircction of re-cstablisi~ing nine Stcps of our program I fell into very new peace of mind. Who is to on thc horizon to get me to an AA error and paid a certain price. say that this is not the beginning of identity, if not contact, with thc out. mccting. Surely it is the Grace of side world. But affir’mative events of the past happiness? It feels like being happy, God that it was not a drinking prob- year have convinced me that al- lately, much of the time. Sometimes At this point the outside world lem of my own. What else could poscontacted me with a vengeance. All though “cafeteria style” selection by giving up the dream we. make sIbly explain my not wanting to take among the Twelve Suggested Steps room for the reality. And I have had our woes arc not self-induccd; thcrc a drink undcr thc circumstanccs I works for sobering up, to remain enough of phantasy to last me for a truly sober I must try for the whole lifetime. program. I cannot possibly make it. I think it is only the most elemen- But my deepest need is to try. And, tary justice that this surrender was this above all, regular attendance at not without pain, this relief did not the meeting of my choice is the rock come overnight, and this change, on which I stand. most devoutly to bc wished, could By “affirmative events of the past not be observed in the twinkling of year” I am not referring only to the an eye. outward signs of life such as rcturn- E . M. V . , Manhattan, N . Y .

May 1962

ONE WE LOST

S UICIDE! screamed the obituary. A shotgun placed against his temple spelled permanent sobriety for whom he proudly presented to the world. Once again he was welltailored, neat and alert, clear and this poor alcoholic. What happened, bright-eyed, the picture of a wellwhy did he do it, why? These ques- dressed, well-brcd successful family tions, and many more, were soon on and business man. A memorable the lips of his AA friends. How old event to witness. security and new fears. Then came afternoon. Twenty-four hours later was,he? Did the deceased have any Timc passcd. Hal A. attended failing health and business reverses. Hal’s wife was a widow. Why? Why? family? many meetings, participated in the Hal’s step became less spritely Only God knows the answer but the About eightccn months ago Har- club’s social activities, made the and his handshake lost a bit of its question will remain alive in the old approached AA and through the usual quota of speeches, both to former confidence, his eyes darted minds of some who knew him. help of God, friends and family suc- alkie and non-alkie gatherings alike, frequently and he seemed ill at ease We do know that the afternoon of cessfully completed his first year of assisted his~fellowmanin every pos- with his former friends. He looked his death, Hal slowly packed his be-‘ sobriety. What a proud individual sible manner, always extended the worn and haggard, as if he’d regained longings and placed the filled suit- Hal A. was as he graciously accepted hand of friendship to every new a great burden, and truly he must cases by the kitchen door. A neighthe many gifts and congratulations alcoholic, and his good wife carried have for the illness of “compulsion” bor reported seeing Hal slowly walkpresented by his family and new- her share of his AA life and obliga- had once again become his master ing around his yard, checking his car found friends. I was present that joy- tions also. and the ultimate conclusion was “just which sat in the driveway, looking ous evening and thrilled at the sight Then Hal forgot, forgot that he one more drink.” At this point Hal’s at the beautiful flowers surrounding of pride and pleasure that shone in was an alkie, forgot just for a drink. wife, for what she thought was the the house, lowering his head as if in the faces of his two teen-age sons, Well, the members responded, put good of the family, asked him to deep meditation, glancing skyward, and shamelessly watched while his Hal in the hospital, and dutifully leave home. then returning to the house for the reconciled wife embraccd him pub- paid their respects. In due time he By now Hal was a sick man, very final time. Shortly thereafter Hal’s licly. was “up and at ’em again,” returned sick, mentally, spiritually and physi- youngcst son returned home and, to From all outward appcaranccs to thc club, attcndcd the meetings, cally, so Hal was hospitalized once his surprise and horror, discovered Hal had attained success and seren- and lifc apparcntly went on much as again. Following five days of treat- the lifelcss form of his beloved ity. Once again Hal was a family bcfore except that a cloud had ment, he was released on a Sunday father. man, had his good wife and two sons formed, a cloud of uneasiness, of in- W.P. C., Kansas City, Mu.

June 1962

AA’s “comfortable” sobriety From San Francisco, Calif. : We cut living down to our size, by On Christmas Day, I celebrated living it a day at a time. This is the my first year in AA. A year spent in beautiful promise of AA. A comfortcontinuous, comfortable sobriety. able way of living without the neces- Because I came into this Fcllow- sity to take a drink. By comfort, I ship when I was twenty years old, I don’t mean luxury comfort-but a feel especially grateful that I have comfort much more important. It is the way of life AA offers which I can that comfort-or call it serenitylive for many, many years to come. which lives within us that makes up Now I have a choicc too. To me the a part of that choice of a true happichoice boils down to either a mere ness of living. cxistcnce, based on fear, doubt and the unknown, or life-the true hap- I recently happened across a piness of living that I am sure was thought that certainly can apply to meant for us all. But this doesn’t this “slipping” business. The thought mean I can sit back and reap all the being: “Failures are divided into two good I would like to have. I, too, classes, those who thought and never have my part to do. Facts and case did, and those who did and never histories show us that this h a to be a thought.” I only pray that with the program of action for that is the help of AA and God, I never forget only way it can become a part of our to think and do the way I’ve so genliving as individuals. crously been taught. B. I. In many meetings I have attended this past year, there has been a lot of talk about people having “slips.” It is my contention that we don’t have to ever take a drink again if we apply the suggestions made to us in the book “Alcoholics Anonymous.”

August 1 9 6 2

ing my life a complete failure and When he told us at the’next meeting myself beyond all hope. The first and asked for our prayers, the soperson I saw-when I dared lift my called spiritual side of the program eyes-was John H. became forever a part of our group It was months later, when we be- life. came close friends, that I was told of As a group we watched a brave his prayers for me and how God had man live with God. It was John’s answered them when I came into that wish to live, to recover so that he room. I learned the lesson of com- might go on “carrying the message to plete anonymity from John. It was suffering alcoholics.” God did not not until I brought up the subject of grant John material life-but in His our former meeting that he said he wisdom gave him a great spiritual had recognized me. strength, so that, dying over those For me the essence of that group long months, John gave the gift of was John H. Not for nothing did they God to all the group and to all who call him “Uncle John,” and it was his came in contact with him. humor and his ready jokes that made We who loved him had rebelled at our group the place of happy alco- the verdict-why give John sobriety holics. and happiness for a year or so and Death of an Alcoholic John’s belief in that Power greater than himself was implicit and comthen snatch it away? What kind of a God was that? municated itself, like his humor, to But we learned that in the few T’S nothing new-the death of an he recognized my uncertainty, my the whole group. Not for nothing months of his dying John H. was I alcoholic. Drunks die in many strained joviality-and my desperaways. Some die in gutters or in the tion. And John talked over ways to were we also known as a “spiritual group.” The spiritual program that privileged to influence more lives, and give more people an insight into drunk tank of a city jail. Thc death help me after I had left. John H. believed in came to be a liv- God’s love, than most can do in a of an alcoholic is not an inspiring The friendly talk my neighbor gave ing part of us-along with his ready lifetime of living. John did not just event-but I know of one that was. me next day pointed up my drinking laughter. believe in a Higher Power, he mani- John H. was a member of Alcoholics problem to me though she offered no I had been on the program per- fested that Higher Power, and the Anonymous, and before I evcn knew solution, leaving me with the usual haps three months when John went miracles that occurred were the natuhim, John H. was my spiritual spon- burden of remorse and a deepening to the hospital with his first warning ral ones that come with such a faith. sor. conviction that for me there was no of what was to come. Pneumonia they There was not one of us who was not John H. saw me first over cocktails solution. I did not know that John called it, and were puzzled to find in some way changed by knowing at a neighbor’s. Through my alco- had become, that night, my spiritual that it did not respond. Then the John. holic fog-thickened by the usual sponsor, and that he had given me chilling news that they suspected a John came to our meeting a short “fortifying” in preparation for the and my drinking into the keeping of “tumor” in the lung and John was to time before his final visit to the hostwo-drink cocktail routine-I did not that Power in which he so whole- go again to the hospital for an ex- pital. He was not able to stay long, notice that John, the life of the party, heartedly believed. ploratory operation. Their verdict and when he left we knew it was for was drinking ginger ale. I did not It was six months later that I came was advanced cancer. Beyond hope. the last time. But the knowledge only even know John, but John kncw me. to my first AA meeting, hung over, Go home and die. strengthened the group. A new mem- Through his own bittcr cxpcricncc frightcncd, thoroughly beaten, believ- But they reckoned without John. ber turned out to be a practical nurse

-as was his wife-and the two of “When this is over I’ll have earned a them gave John the twenty-four hour good drunk,” and when John was nursing care that enabled him to gone, Jim was free to find that first come home to die. drink. Jim found, as many of us will, On tape we took our meetings to that it’s going to be pretty hard for John and on tape carried back his any of us to take that first drink now. “God bless you” to the group. We For even as he went to find it, he visited him up to the end and came suddenly found himself no longer away with a great uplift of spirit. needing or even wanting that drink. Not once in those long months did Jim was sober when he told us his John complain or give sign of his miracle. suffering. He wanted us there-even For us all the final blessing came when he was too weak to do more at the meeting the night after John H. than send us away with his “God had died. Our chairman introduced a bless you? in our ears. I11 as he was new man–one seeking in desperahe insisted his nurse, the ncw man, tion, as we had all sought, that Higher Jim, leave him to go to an occasional Power who alone could help him. meeting. When John’s work was done And the new man’s name was John. and God at last took him home, there No. There’s nothing new about the were still miracles left to us. death of an aIcoholic. They die in Jim, the new man who had nursed gutters and in drunk tanks-but this John, had nursed also the thought, one died with God. N . E., Mercer Island, Wash.

September 1962

SLIP COUNT 1 am a collector of alcoholic “slips.” With monotonous, if sad, regularity the story is always the same, namely, a multitude of small “mole hill” irritations which build up, in time, to a “mountain” of grievance. Individually, nonc of these irritations have anything in common with alcohol, such as shortness of tcmper, moods, everyday domestic irritations, misunderstandings, debt, loss of driving license, and so on-but, they do lead to the bottle. Maybc, the one word wc overlook in the Twclve Steps is contained in Stcp ‘I’cn-“pronlptly”–“wIicn wc wcrc wrong, promptly admitted it.” If cnch wrong, rcal or imaginary, is pronlptly admittcd, aired, and discussed, my alcoholic “slip” count would be in very poor shape. Dr. “Frmk.” Va.

January 1 9 6 3

John Barleycorn was a tricky adver- Not just general resentment about sary. other people and situations which I went back to see Harry thc next most alcoholics experience. Rather, day. His remorse was apparent. My a continuing, deeply rooted and principal effort at that time was de- often concealed, but sustained, resigned to encourage him and improve sentment against having to be lahis morale. For indeed, the world beled an alcoholic. “Why did this had not come to an end, however have to happen to me?” Often, in much it may have seemed so to the first glow of fellowship and Harry. At the end of his five-day friendship, this hidden resentment stay in the hospital, my first thought may be masked. As time goes on was to get him right back on the there is less and less awareness on program. But Harry would have the part of the individual that he none of it. “AA had failed him, and even has such a feeling about his he had failed AA.” seemingly enforced sobriety. What he really meant, I soon saw, An understanding physician once was that he, who had helped so said, “The alcoholic must first recogmany, who had considered hin~self nize his disability (alcoholism), then to be a “leader in the Fellowship,” he must uccept it, and only then can just couldn’t face admitting to the he successfully undertake a program group that he had had a relapse from to adjust to his environment (where “Keep Your Guard Up, Old-Timer!’ sobriety, particularly after he had most people c(in and do drink) in helped so many others. spite of his disability.” Note the Time went on. I pondered over word “accept.” It often takes serious Three R’s . . . R e s e n t m e n t , Rntionnlization, Remorse . . . my experience with Harry, and his and sustained self-examination to linger t o l l ~ ~ r n thot older m e m b e r attitude. It was not unfamiliar to me, detect the existence of this kind of as from time to time a few others resentment and our failure to accept who seemed to have found thc an- the fact that we just can’t .take that s I walked out of the hospital, I swer in AA had fallen by the way- first drink. A was plagued by emotions of bcwildcrment and depression. For the Earlier that evening thc phone call had come. There had been little time then, of course, to think of side. 1 began to listen a little more If awareness of the hidden resentclosely to some of the speakers at ment about sobriety should become man I had admitted for hospitaliza- anything cxcept getting him to a hos- meetings who had tried AA in the apparent, there is a second “R” tion was not a new “pigeon,” but in- pital bed and to competent medical beginning without succcss, hut who, ready to serve wily John Barleycorn steiid an old friend and long-time care. When I visited him the next after a period of experiment “in the -this is Rutionulization. A hundredmcniber of AA. I thought of the day or two perhaps he would tell me field,” had returned to the program and-one rcasons can present themmany people to whom we had “car- what lay behind this suddcn rcvcr- and now acknowledged that they selves as to why the doubter need not ried the messagc” together. 1 re- sion to the bottle. Whatever the had to learn “the hard way.” Those acknowledge that he can never drink membered Harry’s effectivcncss in cause i n this particular c:isc, it was who have experienced such “slips” again. This often leads to more athelping new members accept the pro- apparent to me that time alone, mere have usually becn victims of what tentiveness to the things speakerssay gram. What had made him start length of sobriety, was no guarantor someone has called the “Three R’s.” at meetings which do not fit his pardrinking again? of recovery from alcoholism. Truly, The first of these is Rescwrr~~enr. ticular pattern. Less attention is then

given to the Steps involving growth withdrawal from group participation and change or surrender to a after a number of years of activity. “Higher Power.” Ordinarily, it is Absence from direct exposure to the those who have most recently made AA program can do much to make their first contact with the AA pro- us forget the painful days bcforc sogram who fall victim to the first two briety and gives the first two “R’s” “R’s.” But often, unless they are a chance to come into play. Utilizacareful, old-timers, too, can become tion of the fourth and tenth Steps has their prey. The process may take a been notable by its absence. A busy little longer but, steadily and insid- surface activity rather than careful iously, resentment and ration*’1 I’IZi1- self-examination has been the rule. tion do their fatal work. And then And often, a personal relationship may come that sudden call for help. with a Higher Power has been un- The longer the period before the attainable. Behind such a situation, “slip,” the more threatening is the resentments and rationi~lizationscondanger of the third “R”-Retnorse. tinue to fester. Just as Harry felt shame and remorse, This old-timer, at least, is going felt that he had “let the group down,” to try to watch out for those three so do many old-timers when circum- “R’s” and hopes the good brethren stances, whatever they may be, have in his group will, with loving concern, brought into play the process which pull him up short, if he seems to be has led to a renewal of drinking. thinking and talking the way he did “How can 1, who have had the re- when he first came into the program. spect of my fellow members, who For it is very easy to be nlisled by have built up such a long sobriety pages falling off the calendar. We do record, ever face my group and start not necessarily always grow wiser all over again?” with the years. Remorse is indeed a painful emo- I’m glad I was the one who took tion. And with it comes a resurgence Harry to the hospital that night, beof the old pride so well known to all cause it made nic realize more than alcoholics. Here indeed is the test of ever that old-timers can never let humility, if our “Harry’s” are to get down, but must always keep their back on the road to recovery. guard up. The greatest danger arises from A notl. Grrrtl~tlCitv, N . Y .

J a n u a r y 1963

Slipping onto the program From San Antonio; Texas: My name is Windy and I went to beer and I rcmenibcr feeling dizzy my first A A meeting September 26, and unable to hold up my head. Then 1961. I think 1 must have passed out for a Recently though 1 had a slip. I fcw minutes. When 1 got home 1 felt know now that 1 was feeling resent- terrible. I got this crazy feeling like ful and full of self-pity and anger, 1 would jump out of my skin and I and before I knew it 1 was in a bar felt as though 1 was in the niiddlc of gulping down beer. 1 remember a nightmare that had no end. thinking, “Now l’vc lost my so- The next morning 1 was remorsebriety,” and 1 wanted to cry. So, to f u l and ashamed-wanting to hide kcep from crying I drank more beer. undcl- t h e c o v e r s . A f r a i d a n d I thought about A A and all the ashamed to go outside and have: wonderful people in AA, and 1 was people see me. Afraid they would glad that they couldn’t see me right say, “She was drunk last night. Did then. “I’m a failure, a cheat and I’ve you hear her shouting and yelling? broken the promise that I wouldn’t Did you see her staggering home drink today. Might as well get good with a becr can in her hand?” and drunk-nobody cares about mc A week 13ter 1 went back to AA. now. 1 don’t deserve the love and I opened the door of the mccting trust of anyone.” $ace and walked quickly into thc For about twenty minutes during kitchen and got a cup of coffce. Then the first six hours of drinking I felt 1 sat down in a corner. In just a few happy-not very happy, but I re- minutes friends came over, one by member singing. one. “How are you, So glad to see Then 1 thought to myself, “1 can you back with us again,” they said. use this ‘slip’ to my own advantage. How wonderful it is to be wanted. I’ll try to remember how 1 feel and W. M. tomorrow, or sometime, 1’11 write it ;ill down.” Then I felt mad and remembered all the bad things that had ever happened to me. I drank more

March 1963

Ten years dry-then a beer and a rye his brother to give me a job driving his taxicab at night. Then four years in hell-paved the way to get well With a few dollars 1 started in the same old rat race, got myself a bottle, and was drinking while driving the cab. The next thing I knew I was headed for a telegraph pole. When I came to, I noticed that I The Slip That Turned Out Sober was alongside a church, and once more I felt that God was near me, because I hadn’t been into a church in a good many years. This was at four o’clock in the morning. I walked into the church and woke up the priest. The blood was draining down my At the beginning I tried going back LITTLE better than four years ago Four years later 1 was in a field A I was driving on the West Side Highway, the tears were streaming near Miami. I hadn’t eaten for four days; I’d been living in a shack, the face and he was not particularly anxious to have a talk with me in the condition I was in, but I managed to to AA but somehow the glow was not there. I was completely under the compulsion to drink and had to addown my face and I was filled with only clothes I had were a pair of persuade him to give me some of his mit that I was powerless over alcotremendous self-pity. I was sure God sandals, a pair of dungarees, and a time. He counselled me about two hol. had forsaken me. I denounced Him white T-shirt that wasn’t so white hours, then took twenty-seven dol- After two years of trying to get audibly and swore that I would never any more. I broke into a grocery lars out of his own pocket for me to back into AA, I left it completely have anything to do with Him again. store and managed to fill my pockets take a bus back to New York. The and went to the doctors. They in turn I had just lost my job-unjustly, I full of Sterno and to drag out a large following day I did get on that bus gave me tranquilizers and other pills, felt. I drove off the West Side High- cooked ham. This ham was too heavy but only as far as Jacksonville, where as well as putting me on Antabuse. way and headed for a bar, laid some for me and the only way I could get I got off and thumbed my way back My wife used to watch me take the money on the counter, and asked for it to the shack I was staying in was to Miami. But this was the beginning Antabuse in the morning with my a double shot of rye and a beer. This by kicking it down the road. I man- because a few days later I got in orange juice, but after a little while was my first drink after ten years of aged to get the ham and myself into touch with my folks at home and they I found out that I could fool her, and AA sobriety. the shack and had a few pieces of the sent me money to take a train back instead of taking the Antabuse I 1’11 take you back to a time prior meat and some of the Sterno. At this to New York. would show her a white pill which to my entry into AA in 1948. I had point I believe with all my heart that My wife and I had a long talk was an aspirin and she would think just been fired from a very good posi- God, despite myself, decided to step about our future. Then I got in touch I was taking the Antabuse. The same tion in advertising. The reason, alco- in. I went into convulsions and must with Alcoholics Anonymous. I em- old pattern was recurring; the same hol. I went home to a new house I have awakened the man who owned braced this program whole-hearted- old self-destruction. had just bought, and to my wife and the shack, for the first thing I noticed ly. I had no difficulty. I took every- Now I would go off, start my three-year-old daughter. I told my was this man’s hand upon my shoul- thing on faith and stayed sober for drinking in the better sections of wife that I was a hopeless case and der and he looked at me, and took ten years, until that day on the West New York and end up in the alleys, it would be better if we parted com- pity on me, and so did his wife, who Side Highway-a day that began the gutters, and the Bowery; panpany. So I packed my bag and left bathed me, fed me and clothed me. another four year period of self de- handling for a nickel, a dime, or a on a trip to self-destruction. A few days later this man persuaded struction. penny, to get a bottle of wine. When

I would come home my wife would gram of giving as well. I became one could get through. All I was con- very active in the program again; I bum my clothes. This kept up for materially successful and instead of cerned with was myself. I forgot that see it in a different light. another two years and finany, in giving God credit for the success I the length of my sobriety was not as What does this program mean to desperation, I went back to AA again took it all on my own shoulders and important as the quality of it. This me now? It means Faith, Hope and cutting out the Antabuse and the I started running the show myself. I list I carry with me always; each day Charity. Hope that God and AA pills. forgot that my main purpose in life I look at it to see what I am doing gives me for each twenty-four hours; I have made an inventory of all was to stay sober. I stopped praying now that is correcting these faults. the Faith that I am regaining in my the reasons why I thought that I had daily to God for His guidance and I’ve come back to AA with a Higher Power and in other people; this slip from the program four years His direction and His help to keep changed approach. I have surren- the Charity that is my Love for God ago, and I’d like to enumerate them. sober. I forgot that when I first came dered my drinking problem to God. and for others. Many times I’ve After the first few years in AA I into AA I was reborn and that from I’ve started again at the very begin- heard the word gratitude spoken at gradually attended fewer and fewer that moment on I owed my life to ning as if I never knew the program meetings and always scoffed at it. meetings, and because of this lessen- both God and to the AA group-my existed. Each morning I pray to God Now I can humbly say that I have ing of AA activity, the problems of humility and gratitude changed to for direction and guidance and each gratitude to God and to every AA the past became dimmer and dim- pride and selfishness. I stopped con- evening I pray to Him expressing my member for the help I am receiving mer. I became bored with the same tributing my share to AA at meetings gratitude for the twenty-four hours, each twenty-four hours. I now have old thing at both the closed and open and became increasingly critical of to Him and the AA group. I am a purpose in life, which is to share meetings; the same old stuff I had speakers, less and less tolerant of making a determined effort to for- my experiences with other alcoholics, heard over and over again. I forgot other’s slips. My Twelfth Step work get self, to open up my heart a little and with God’s help and guidance, that this program was not just a pro- gradually diminished into nothing. I bit to others. The results this is pro- help others with their alcoholic probgram ~f taking, but that it was a pro- built a shell around myself that no ducing are amazing. I have become lem. Anon., Manhattan, N.Y.

July 1963

TROUBLE? Try, Try Again

grow. I did not protect my physical I AM the mother of three bright and healthy sons, and have a fine husband who has stuck by me through health, so therefore my mind could not function as clearly as it should. many years of alcoholic torment, ar- Another mistake I made more than rests and hospitals. My story isn’t once, was putting my faith in other one of success but of failure in AA. AA members instead of the Higher I’ve been associated with the pro- Power where it belongs. Other alcogram for a number of years. My holics, wonderful as they are, can longest period of sobriety was ten only do so much to help us. They are months. Many times I’ve felt like human too, with problems of their giving up, but thanks to the Higher own. Power I didn’t. I know I will make it I am fortunate to be a member of yet, for I am told if we want sobriety a wonderful group. They have been more than anything else and are will- so patient and encouraging. ing to work the program, we can stay Yes, I’ve had many failures or sober. slips, but I’ve had much more so- I know I am an alcoholic and I briety and happiness since I came certainly do want to stay sober. I love into AA than ever in my life before. the AA program and am willing and I can’t bear to think where I would happy to work for it. Why then have be today if it weren’t for AA. I had so much trouble? After every So, I will keep trying. If I give up drunk, when my thinking gets I know I don’t have a shadow of a straightened out, I can look back and chance. With AA I know I have a see what I did that was wrong. I did great chance. not keep the weeds of resentment, I have much to be thankful for; self-pity and jealousy out of the lots of reasons to keep working for good AA planting that had been sobriety. I have faith that the Higher done, so the fruits of AA could not Power and AA will help me make it. Anon., Batesville, Znd.

August 1963

guy Chuck,” said Ben possessively, source of knowledge for a child who “talks my language!” wishes to enlarge the variety of Most of us alcoholics know what foods on his menu. T o break the Ben meant. We have known the monotony of diet the child learns feeling of release, and relief, when to link new words to the various a speaker puts into “our” words our foods. despair, sickness, loneliness and When we went out on the playfear. And when Chuck tells his ground with the older kids to play story, barbers and bankers alike tag and ball, they didn’t bother to sense that he’s talking their lan- “talk our language.” If we wanted guage. to play, to be accepted, we had to But the barbers and bankers who learn the words of objects and acstay sober are one-up on poor Ben. tions: bat, base, strike, foul, “lousy Like Ben, they recognize that cheater” and other technical terms. 1\11 SPOKEN HERE Chuck talks the language of the ob- If we were rookies or boots in the sessive drinker. But at the same armed services, the sergeant or the A slipper’s trouble may come down to plain words time Chuck, and all effective AA CPO didn’t condescend to “talk our and what they mean speakers, are talking mother lang- language.” We learned what “messguage-the language of sobriety. hall” and “galley” meant, or we o doubt about it, that guy Now, seemingly, he was identifying Ben, so far, is deaf to this one. “N Chuck gives a terrific pitch!” Ben was praising an old-timer with Chuck, w h o e ~solid AA philosophy and dramatic drinking story Not even a fine speaker like Chuck will ever be able to speak of went hungry. If we were not “topside” or “in formation” on command, we soon learned what it who had recently talked before our are known to thousands in this area. real AA sobriety in Ben’s language. meant to be “on report” or “gigged.” group. “In fact,” Ben went on, “the Yet, I wondered, if Ben had been No more than an M.I.T. professor In every activity of our lives, best pitch I ever heard in AA was so impressed by Chuck “a year ago could explain nuclear physics to a from play to work, performing acts given by Chuck a year ago last last Easter,” how could he go out Hottentot in the latter’s own tongue necessary to our survival, or merely Easter.” and drink again and again? More- –or to you and me in our own lay- enjoying our luxuries, we must put This eulogy of Chuck, I reflected, over, while living this fuzzy double- man’s English, for that matter. forth effort to learn new words, new was more effective if one stood at life of bouts with the bottle and at- It is up to the Hottentot, and to vocabularies, new sets of actions, least six feet away from Ben, who tendance at AA meetings, why you and me, to learn the physicist’s new ideas, new concepts. smelled dankly of wine. would he remember with such evi- language of mathematics if we ex- How readily we picked up the This was not unusual. Ben has dent pleasure the time and place of pect to have an understanding of the jargon of the barroom! Whether we been “coming around” for nine that long-ago talk on sobriety? subject to the point of using its were working stiffs or executives, years, and so far his longest period Ben’s fitful drinking would have principles. how eager we were to impress the of continuous sobriety is about made more sense to me if Ben had When we were babies, we talked bartender with our knowledge and three months. found Chuck’s message boring, baby-talk, and we never learned any- fluency in using the terms of his When I heard Ben actually prais- ridiculous or infuriating. Then Ben thing from the adults who “talked trade. It was important to us, for ing an AA pitch, I felt encouraged, came out with the remark that may our language” exclusively. It doesn’t our prestige and status, to show the for Ben finds little about our Fel- be the key to the mystery of the take a toddler long to learn that the bartender that we talked his lanlowship to look upon with favor. “Bens” of every AA group. “That adult who coos, “Does ums want guage. ums din-din?” is not a reliable We pay the golf pro good money

to teach us the game; we pay the step is up to us. Unless we make an psychiatrist to help us find the effort to learn more of that sober source of our anxieties and mal- person’s language, we will continue adjustments. Naturally, each of these to prattle and to think in the terms cxperts must begin by using terms of the practicing drunk. that we understand. But we get Ben has one great thing in his fanowhere, either on the green or in vor. He does keep coming back. the analysis, until we learn to apply Maybe soon he’ll hear Chuck again, the special words of the pro or the or somebody else, and it will dawn therapist. on him that there is such a thing So it is in AA. as happy, continuing sobriety. We cannot expect to remain sober It will be an exhilarating disonly by listening to the familiar, the covery for him, after nine winecomfortable. stained years around AA, to look at True, the first step in the road to the group with clear eyes and rerecovery comes when we first hear alize how many there are who do the story of a man or woman who talk his language, his new one-the “talks our language.” But the next language of the recovered alcoholic. L. H., North Hollywood, Calif.

October 1963

I r i*

So what happened when every- and to change the things that she thing didn’t go just right and every- could. one didn’t think just as I did? I Her talk freed me and I was able resented it. I got drunk. This lasted to see myself and understand what only over a week end and one holi- I was beating my head against all day. Again 1 went back. of the time. I had never learned to Unpretty Past Those weren’t very long “slips” forgive myself for the person alcofor a person who is used to going on hol had made me become. I had three- to six-month binges, but AA never learned to be completely honhad interfered with my drinking. est with myself. I never lied to other Had 1 not had two doses of AA to people any more, but I had never sort of counteract my drinking, I been honest with me and, as a re- After two relapses, I heard the A A talk would probably still be “going to sult, my foot kept slipping off the town,” or in a hospital somewhere. Twelve-Step ladder and I could not that freed me for recovery in the present In my case, having drunk so stead- make any progress. ily and for such a long period of I had never honestly taken the time, I was quite desperate when I first three Steps-I had admitted came into AA. I was so desperate from the rostrum that I was an al- HAVE listened to and read quite speakers who didn’t know what I a bit about people who have had slips and people who have never they were talking about because they didn’t agree with my way of that someone made the mistake of coholic but never honestly to mysaying “out of such desperation for self, because I felt to admit it was sobriety, you should never have a to admit I had been a failure. I had had slips. One woman once said, thinking; couldn’t understand why slip.” Me slip? Never. I had found not honestly admitted to myself that “I just can’t comprehend a slip.” people could laugh at someone who what I wanted: to work the Twelve my life had become unmanageable. Another said, “If I had a slip, I was drinking; why the talks were Steps in my own way. God to me had always been could never come back; therefore continually on the past when I had That was before 1 found out I someone who was to be feared. 1 don’t dare have a slip.” been taught to forget the past. What could have stinking thinking long Now I know He is One who is lov- As a person who has “slipped” I happened? The resentments built up before I had stinking drinking, but ing-how else could I have come would like to open my big mouth inside of me, and were the most the thinking can sure play the devil through all of these bumps of life and even if it won’t help anyone perfect excuse to get drunk, and with the mind. Now I am able to and into AA? How else could I be else, it will help me just to write how I could find excuses! notice the change in personality be- sitting here writing if there wasn’t a about it. The drunk lasted only for a week fore taking the “slip” drink. It be- Power higher than myself that has I am forty-two (how honest can end. 1 went back. Stayed “dry” for gins to change when my thinking kept me alive when so many times a woman get?) and drank from the two months and twenty-nine days begins to change. I tried to do away with myself? He time I was eighteen until June of again. This time I would work the Finally, at the Corpus Christi forgave me so why wasn’t I able to 1960. I contacted AA and stayed program in a different way. I didn’t Jamboree in 196 1, I heard a woman forgive myself? on a pink cloud for two months and get on a pink cloud, but I became a get up and talk, with complete hon- I took the Fifth Step in full. What twenty-nine days. Suddenly I de- fanatic about the spiritual side of esty, about the road I had been a relief when things are done honcided that I had the program down the program and read everything down. She and I had traveled down estly. Now I take a daily inventory. pat. I attended four meetings a that 1 could get my hands on. I be- the same path-she learned to for- Each night I say, “What did I do week; took everyone’s inventory but came so saturated that I became give herself and to accept the things today or think today that made this mine; decided there were too many water-logged. in her life that she couldn’t change day go as it did?” Some things I

have to change and some things I the program; you’ll never slip,” I just have to accept. open the door and look at my last I have a lot of things to straighten two slips. That’s enough. out. When anyone says, “You don’t The only thing I can say is, look or act like an alcoholic,” my “Thank you, God.” I am grateful blood runs cold and I open the for my sobriety today and for AA door to the past and take a peek. that makes it possible for me to That is all I need to do. know how to stay sober today. When I hear, “You’re really on L. H.,Corpus Christi, Texas

October 1963

“Good to be alive” him and myself, but it worked and From Westonaria, Transvaal: my sobriety is safe for another It’s great to be alive! It makes me twenty-four hours. That’s why I wonder why I did not want AA be- said, “It’s good to be alive.” D. fore I did. We now have eight active members in the group, and are progressing nicely. 1 think this is due to the wonderful support we have had from Anton A. and the Carletonville group, and also thc fact that wc are adhering strictly to the AA Twelve Traditions. Had a guy this week who had been dry four months. He drew his leave pay and was ready for his vacation by the sea, but got drunk instead. It was a great disappointment to his wife and the group. I spent two days with him and I believe he has realized that he can never drink like a gentleman again. It was my first experience with trying to help a guy back on the road, and I am glad it was not too serious. He had me worried though. I was dead scared I was going to fail

November 1963

was, doomed to drink forever and, came and no meetings were availthrough no fault of my own, denied able. the Fellowship of AA, I milked Above all else, sobriety meant- Chapter Five dry of every excuse, and means-becoming a member of real or imagined, to deny myself AA itself rather than its still-drinksobriety. ing auxiliary, and accepting the fact For fifteen years I kept soaking up booze I believe now that I wanted so- that my problems are no different briety, but I was afraid of it. Sobri- from those of other alcoholics, and and attending meetings . . . ety meant riding through “the slings are greatly eased by giving more and arrows of outrageous fortune” than lip service to the Twelve Steps with the help of. fellow AAs. It and the Twenty-four-Hour Plan. ings frcqucntly and drank regularly. meant calling people when I was in Now, for the first time in fifteen I WALKED into the New York AA office on East 39th Street for the hundredth time (or was it the 1 made the jails and hospitals. DTs a n d convulsions ceased t o be trouble and talking about the things t h a t b o t h e r e d me r a t h e r t h a n , years, I believe that I can have sustained sobriety, a day at a time, and two hundredth?) some months ago, strangers, and I became familiar through fear, keeping them in and that I am like other men and not a feeling no different than I ‘had on with Domestic Relations Courts, exploding in a disastrous drunk that pariah. As I write this, I have been eight hundred other such occasions blood banks, skid rows, cheap wine, always, always made everything sober only eight months, a small (or was it a thousand?) since my panhandling, and all the rest of it. worse. Sobriety meant not sounding figure chronologically, but twice as first meeting. I was praying for a miracle that off at closed meetings with the ready long as any other time in the last That first meeting was in 1947. would keep me sober, but I was quip that brought peals of laughter fifteen years. I was in my twenties. I had just convinced that I was doomed to from everyone except the poor un- I can’t tell you what made the come off a disastrous drinking bout live forever on AA’s fringes and die fortunate at whom it was directed. difference ‘that day on 39th Street. and was trying to pick up the pieces. beyond its pale. Sobriety meant the effort to place It was not a blinding flash that I quickly decided that AA wouldn’t After a while, I was no longer “principles above personalities” and made everything clear. I do believe, work for me; I was too young. A11 “too young,” and I was certainly no concerning myself with my sobriety, though, that a miracle had been gothose around me had long histories longer inexperienced in the effects not someone else’s defects. It meant ing on for fifteen years, keeping me of broken homes, jails and hospi- of drinking, so I had to look else- using “gimmicks” such as telephone walking through the door to try tals, so all I heard-because it was where for differences. I decided 1 therapy, the Serenity Prayer and again and again and again, when I all I listened for-were stories of was “too intelligent,” or, more of- candy bars, when the urge to drink really believed it to be hopeless. things I hadn’t done and places 1 ten, that I had some personality Bill M.,Oxford Croup, N.Y.C. hadn’t been. Looking back, I now quirk that made my case unique know that even then there were and unresponsive to ordinary meth- Young People’s Groups with people ods. The Twelve Steps might work who were staying sober because for the rest, but the Big Book said, they would listen to a grizzled vet- “There are those who sfiffer from eran and identify with the many gravc emotional disorders. They are similarities, rather than look for the not at fault. They seem to have out, the loophole that could fortify been born that way.” No lines of further drinking. Shakespeare’s ever seemed as beau- For fifteen I came to meet- tiful! Poor unfortunate soul that I

November 1 9 6 3

Hoping From Van Nuys, Calif.: help. Maybe the miracle will occur 1 can’t face numbering myself and 1’11 find how God takes us out with those desperate legions who of ourselves. I t happencd to you. never make it. One day, before too Maybe it can (dare 1 hope?) haplong, I will die, if I don’t make this pen to me. program. Just let me kecp coming back 1 am a “slipper.” Don’t think I and keep on trying. I’m here, listenlike it. Don’t think 1 don’t want AA. ing, trying, hoping. But, however 1 attend meetings, How I’m hoping! W. 11. work the Steps, try surrendering completely, it eludes me. How can 1 have the success of those in AA I so admiringly envy? Six months, a year, and kerplunk. Why do I d o it? How long can it last? 1 hate it and do it. Please don’t say there’s no such thing as a slip. That I just want to get drunk. I don’t want to drink, believe me. Did you want to not drink, but drink nevertheless? I’m only interested in learning how to stay sober, to find a way to make AA work for me. Maybe some day the miracle will occur, and I can give love as I should, and faith and strength and

December 1963

The philosophy of AA From Daytona Beach, Fla.: In “Slips and Human Nature” Dr. Silkworth also said: “The (October Grapevine), Dr. Silk- philosophy of AA, however, is posiworth said: “The alcoholic who tive and provides ample sustained learns some of the techniques of the emotion-a sustained desire to folmechanics of AA but misses the low directions voluntarily.” Our exphilosophy or the spirit, may get perience has shown that a person tired of following directions.” cannot keep that “sustained emo- When the doctor speaks of “the tion” unless he has thc added dyphilosophy or the spirit” of AA, 1 namic of faith in a Power greater assume that hc means the spiritual than himself. This is why thc Big part of the program; the turning to Book, in spcaking of Twclfth-Step a Higher Power for the strength we work, suggests stressing the spiritneed to stay sober. When our found- ual feature freely in talking with a er, Bill W., had a spiritual experi- prospect. R. W. ence in his hospital, the doctor told him that he had something wonderful and to hang onto it. Dr. Silkworth added: “‘Slips’ usually occur in the early stages of the alcoholic’s indoctrination, before he has had time to learn enough of the AA technique and AA philosophy to give him a solid footing.” The newcomer goes to meetings; he learns to stay away from one drink for one day and he depends largely on the fellowship for his sobriety.

February 1964

those people who had five or more wine.” Following this glass came years of sobriety and proceeded to another and another until all of the disregard those with less experience. business and parental problems that 1 would say, “Let the younger mem- had existed before, disappeared ber help the newcomer.” 1 was now without a trace. hanging around marking time and Upon my return home following waiting to collect my AA dividends. this weekend, my wine drinking Criticism of speakers and other continued in direct ratio to the members ran rampant in my mind, problems that occurred. Within a and this marked the start of my de- month, my consumption increased cline into old ways and eventually to a quart per day. Within six out of the A A way of life. My months I had switched to the hard eighth year arrived and my attend- stuff. Within a year, the morning ance went from one meeting a drink. Booze had now achieved first month to one every six months and, place in my life. It was at this point finally, to one during the nineteenth that my wife and children interfered THE LONG, LONG ROllD BACK year – and then the first glass of with my daily habit; so much so wine. that I walked out and left them to M Y first introduction to AA was in the early part of 1941. The few meetings I made at the time, the old-timers suggested that 1 make amends publicly at an open meeting regarding .this brief sojourn with I began by taking a weekend off exist by themselves. I took a small from my business and parental re- apartment in New York City in along with the letters received booze. This I did with all honesty sponsibilities in an effort to take order to enjoy unmolested drinking. aboard ship during World War I1 and sincerity and was voted back as stock of where I had been and wherc It was inevitable that my drinking from AA people, afforded me some chairman by a show of hands. I was heading. Cape Cod was the would increase under the circumdegree of sobriety. However, it ap- This perhaps saved my life at that place chosen for this two-day medi- stances of this new-found environtime, for I then worked at the pro- tation. ment. The drinking increased and parently was not enough for a young alcoholic, aged twenty-three, as I gram and its Twelve Suggested Steps After checking in at a motel, my the need for money rose. still continued to drink. My drinking harder than ever before. I began to eyes glanced out the window and fo- Several months passed this way, had become tempered and was not speak more when called upon and to cused on the neon lights of a then 1 was summoned to family a satisfactory experience because I do Twelfth Step work where needed. friendly tavern. Perhaps the answers court for non-support and awarded was now aware of my intolerance to Along with my progress in A A came , to my problems could be found in $50.00 per week to live on. The alcohol. material progress as well. My wife conversation with people around rest of my salary went home by I actively embraced AA a few and I were able to purchase a house the bar. I had decided that if I was court order. Living a drinking life years after the war and joined a and move to another state. Again, going to think clearly about my under these circumstances was difsmall group in .New Jersey. After I joined the local group in this town problems, ginger ale would be best. licult. It was at this point that my several months of sobriety in this and participated in its activities. After my order was placed, I no- job began interfering with my drinkgroup, I was given the job of chair- As the years passed, I began to ticed a piano over in the corner and ing. At one time I never believed in man and, to show my appreciation work less in group activity and be- decided the joint needed a little en- -drinking on the job, but the day for this job as trusted servant, I got came increasingly proud of the tertainment. After playing a few came when I found myself taking a drunk within a week. Fortunately, it number of years I had in the fellow- numbers, a patron came over and drink at noon, ten blocks away from was only a one-night stand. One of ship. I began to seek out as friends asked me if I would like a drink. I the office. The next trip for a drink said, “Sure, give me a glass of was five blocks away, then one

block and eventually across the attempt to exhibit maturity and week spent at home consuming, by have been able to rid myself of the street. Finally, it was across the responsibility. My drinking con- my wife’s accurate count, sixteen preludes to the first drink- resentstreet at eleven A.M., then ten tinued on a somewhat restrained bottles of vodka. ment, inactivity and ego. A balance A.M., then nine A.M., until the day basis. I had many jobs that year The time had come when some- has been maintained in AA, in the I had to set the alarm clock for five but none of them matched my thing had to be done. I spent two home and on the job. I have learned in the morning in order to prepare former income. It was finally de- days in the confines of a room in what the Twelfth Step means. ?Jot myself for the cares of the day. cided that I would accept a re- I our house armed with a Turkish to be a great celebrity in AA and a The money that had been con- sponsible position with a company towel and several quarts of water. I Frankenstein at home, but to “practributed toward a pension fund at located in the Midwest. Our home went through the ravages of hell tice these principles in all of our the office finally came into use when was sold and we moved. Here was sweating it out, cold turkey. This is affairs.” ! it was decided that I would have to our opportunity to begin a new life an event in my life that will never It’s not what we get out of a resign in order to get it. I got it. at last. Nine months later, for the be forgotten. On the evening of the meeting that really counts, it’s what With this new-found nest egg, I first time, I was fired for alcoholism. second day I called’ for help, and we bring into it in the form of a headed toward a long geographical We returned East after that and went to an AA meeting that night smile, a handshake and an occarest to Las Vegas, Nevada! somehow I managed to get another with my wife. sional slap on the back for a new- After many months of lonely job. For another nine months I What has the fellowship of AA comer or an old-timer. drinking, meager jobs and numer- went without a drink. Then I was meant to me during the last two I could have missed this life comous blackouts from vodka, I de- sent South on a business trip that years of return to sobriety? It has pletely. Each day now is a rewardcided to cash in my chips and return wound up in a seven-day blackout. given me a gift of gratitude that ing experience of growth in both home to my wife and children in the Several months later the company I does not tarnish as long as it is pol- mind and spirit. My Higher Power East and attempt a reconciliation. I was associated with went out of ished with the daily activity of AA. and all of you in AA have made was accepted, and made what I business. Between that job and my I have learned to stop getting so- these daily dividends possible. thought at the time was an honest current one existed a period of a briety on the seat of my pants. I S. I., New Jersey

J u l y 1964

I SLIPPED BACK TO PRISON “It has beet2 about a month now since you went to your last A A meeting . . . you think you have it all figured out.” ferent kind of alcoholic. Even as As you drink, the thought flashes you look back through the last through your mind of how wonders you step through the open a man and a woman conversing; A door and hesitate in the dim light, the fetid odor of stale beer little nervous spaslns twitch the sides of their faces. On your right twenty years of your life and see the wreckage, you believe this. And you still believe it even while refully you’ve done in the last nine months -it’s phenomenal, you think. Only nine months out of and wine bums your nostrils. It’s is that bewhiskered guy again in a membering not only the misery and prison, and you’ve successfully always the same, a stench you pair of threadbare flannel slacks, wearing a grimy white shirt. dissolution that booze brought you, started a business that is expanding imagine will linger long after the but the debris of heartaches and sor- so fast it’s a real hustle to keep up place is gone and the last dust par- It’s always the same scene,, the same place. You remember being row it has caused other people. But with it. You have a relatively new ticles have finally settled. In one you’re older and wiser now. You a part of this picture once yourself, car (paid for), money in the bank, quick glance your eyes photograph have cleverly calculated that your and a wonderful girl. Since being the small interior; the scene hasn’t but it’s absurd to think of ever beown inward strength will be enough associatcd with Alcoholics Anonychanged. ing reduced to such nothingness to insure you against any recuragain. mous you have made so many The squawking jukebox seems to rence of the past. No, you do not friends; you think of how wonderful rattle out the same forlorn tune as It has been almost a month now need AA any longer; you feel that everything has become. Yes, the always; holed up in a booth next since you went to your last AA you can play the finale of the drama final act of the drama is to reap the to it, oblivious to the blaring noise, meeting; since then you think you all by yourself. laurels of happiness and serenity is the same woman with thin, have it all figured out. Sure, you The bartender shuffles up to you, that you had always dreamed of. stringy, dirty-looking hair. As you still admit to being an alcoholic. and it’s the same nondescript face The business you have come into walk toward the bar, you see the You even confess you’ll always be one, except that now you have that you have spoken to so many town for is all cleared up, so you familiar, burned-out face of a man times before. “How ’bout a bottle of methodically and logically con- cannot think of any reason why you nursing a small glass of amber wine. beer?” you ask. ceived the idea that you’re a dif- should not sit for a while longer and On your left as you sit down are

drink another one. You even think was a guy who had sworn he would the bank. I even sold my car to cosmos of light, beauty and happiof the devil lurking in its golden not allow himself to be reduced to keep drinking. Finally, my girl had ness. It’s also one that does not depths, but the thought doesn’t stop a nothingness again. gotten disgusted. From rags to want the likes of me in it because you from asking for another. And My slip began as I’ve described, riches and back to rags, or from the ugly world that I’ve forged for why should it -after all, you’re an in one of the mangiest bars on skid misery to serenity and back to myself out of a bottle is not haralcoholic aren’t you? It’s just as row. As a result of having a little misery again. It’s the perennial tale monious with its own standards. natural as breathing that you’ll ask money saved, and wanting to be a of alcoholism; the end result of As my continual drinking sucked for that second one, and it’s also big wheel too, I immediately pro- stupidity: a story that has been told me deeper and deeper into it, the just as certain that there will be gressed to the more site and cost- since time immemorial by people members of AA gave me their many more to follow. You catch lier places. I was trying to play a like me, and one that will continue hands and said, “Here, grab hold the attention of the nondescript part, the big spender; so it only took to be told by other alcoholics. and we’ll help you out.” They not face again, “How ’bout another me a couple months before I was Night after night I’ve lain in my only pulled me free from the darkbeer, bartender?” It shouldn’t take broke and scrounging around the bunk until the early hours of morn- ness in which I had been floundervery many more before you’ll be bottom of the heap again. Once ing and asked myself the same ing, but they showed me a way to inhaling whiskey like it was going down there, it wasn’t long before question over and over. “What hap- the life that I had dreamed about out of style. Yes, you’re on your my parole officer saw fit to revoke pened-what brought me back becoming a part of for so long. I way now. It’s like nuclear fission. my parole and remove me from here?” I continually came up with was given the same Big Book, the Whatever follows now is just the society. the same answers each time, too. same tools to work with that are inevitable chain reaction. . . . Upon my return to prison I had But then, all the answers are in the given to everyone else in Alcoholics I was one who had thought it im- absolutely nothing left, no more book of Alcoholics Anonymous, so Anonymous. The only thing that possible that anything like this business that I had worked so hard it was no great tax on my own in- differed was our respective use of would ever happen again to me. I to get started, no more money in telligence to figure things out. them. Even with my half-hearted Chapter Five tells us that “there are efforts though, they still reaped me those that cannot or will not give a way of life I had never known themselves to this simple program.” before, and one that became more It also tells us that “half-way meas- productive with each passing day. ures availed us nothing.” When the The endless wonders never ‘ceased cap popped off the top of that first to unfold until I sold out for a jug bottle I was already on my way of booze -and another cell. “Halfback, and I took that first drink be- way measures availed us nothing.” cause I heeded too lightly the pru- 1 now believe those words lie at dence of those few simple words. the foundation of every alcoholic’s Almost twenty years of my life continued sobriety, and that if the have been wasted as a result of pillars of serenity are erected on the drinking, and I have intermittently shifting sand of reservations such chalked up ten years of that behind as mine, then everything I have bars. Looking out from this cell built will inevitably come tumbling block is like peering through a fun- down. The hand of AA is outnel, and seeing a completely dif- stretched to anyone who wants it; ferent world evolving all around me this time I’m hanging on. at the other end. It’s a magnificent Anon., Sun Quentin

October 1964

From then on I had the perfect that it is only possible for me to live out. Every time I was too ill to at- each day as it comes as well as my tend my ofice I saw a doctor and own limitations allow. he either gave me a certification of Recently an alky cobber took me ill health or admitted me to a hos- in his car to visit my old father and, IN THE pital. This continued for several when we were leaving him, he told ycars until 1952 when, at the invita- me he was sorry we could not stay tion of a man who called to see me, longer and visit him more frequently. GRIP I attended a meeting of AA. I am welcome at home again and I was worried as to what I might this has only been made possible have let myself in for and was afraid through my learning to become sober through the fellowship of Alco- OF THE it might be some form of evangelism. holics Anonymous. I now know that Thank God it was not. After that meeting I remained dry for about with booze I must always lose; with seven months. Then persuading my- AA I cannot lose. I thank God for GROG self that I had the game sewn up, I my sobriety that has been given me tried myself out with a couple of through my fellow alcoholics in AA. drinks at lunch and did not see day- I feel that the most vital factor in light for the following eight months. my recovery has been the power of After scveral false starts, in No- example set by others. I decided that vember 1957, 1 was admitted to the if they could do it, at least I could It took several false starts before he found hospital, as usual in the horrors. On try. When I looked around me I saw cr Power. greater than a limitless thirst the March following, of my own vo- that it was those who were most lition, I attended a meeting in a regular in attendance at group meetsuburb of Melbourne where I went ings who have stayed sober. I still attend meetings every night. I know F OR over thirty years I drank anything too thin to chew and was not particular as to what it was, out by my family and forced to find myself a job. The idea of working was pretty grim. But it had to be, because I was at last willing to accept my alcoholism. But I also was able to accept that there was and is that most of the joy comes from sharing in AA and the more I try to a power even greater than thc grog share, the greater the pleasure. I can where I got it, how I got it or where and so I found a job. After working now live in contentment with myself I drank it. At no time was I ever the for a short time I was admitted to which will keep it under subjection for as long as 1 want it to do so; this and with the knowledge that my altype referred to as a social drunk, I the military hospital and the author- coholism is arrested today. never left any place where there was ities told me that my irrational be- power being the power of God, as I try to understand Him. I was shown R . T . B., Victoric~,Australia booze unless 1 was thrown out or havior was the result of my having removed by the cops. an anxiety neurosis, due to war scrv- In the beginning it was easy. More ice ilnd having to accept responsithan adequate funds, no limit to bility. They presented me with a supplies and a limitless thirst. Came collcction of wonderful drying-out the war and I drank myself into the clinics and hospitals, a collection of army; drunk on arrival and still protective doctors and a subsidy for drunk on my discharge, six years my hangovers in the form of a de- Inter. Shortly after this I was thrown pcndable military pension.

April 1 9 6 5

all his feasts, but not sobriety disease at the beginning. The new, enough to give him a taste of its career hard-drinker, found early restorative power. He takes no more and showing few signs and s y m p heed than is just sufficient to keep toms, requires and warrants as dilihim from being a terror to himself, gent attention and guidance as the and he is as loath to be very sober wreckage-alcoholic arriving at the as he is fearful to be very drunk.” sanatorium or jail unconscious and My excuses were the usual ones: leaving a trail of damaged persons fatigue, boredom and aggravation. and properties. The treatment may But one excuse I made could be be less intense but it must be availvalid -there was no local group I able and believed in. AA can and could meet with. Going to a meeting does take increasing interest in the meant at least 100 miles of travel, younger and usually less severe alcothis obstacle may have been too holic, finding him and keeping him, great for the new non-drinker-to-be. in the best traditions both of AA and preventive medicine. Report from a Chronic Slippee I am thankful and happy to report that we now have our own village Just as his more successful brother group. AA obtains satisfaction and encour- Perhaps some chronic slippees are agement from anniversaries, the mild or moderate alcoholics with chronic slippee can do some measurlow resistance to the urge or occa- ing of his own if he feels he needs it. The author, a doctor, achieved 355 d a y s sion to drink. We may very well lack I have devised a Drink Day Index of sobriety in a year. He’ll keep trying . .. the more severe alcoholic’s protective memory of frequent hospitaliza- (DDI) which can occupy a competitive type and at least hold off tions, jail sentences, family upheaval indifference if it does not become a and disastrous job losses. Our suffer- goal in itself. It is as simple as this: ing during and after a slip appears DDI = X (No.days one had a drink) A RE we learning from the chronic slippee? As one of those, shall we say half-baked alcoholics we all cessful AAs, and floundering in general confusion of purpose. To paraphrase William Law:* relatively minor to others. But it is real and disabling to us. It signals the temporary depletion of grace 365 (No.days in the year) During the years immediately before AA, my DDI was at least 300/365 know, who come to meetings but “While he (the slippee) is divided from our Higher Power, that we or 80%. Last year it was about never seem to be able to keep booze- between sobriety and active alco- need to fight the battle. 20/365 and now is 10/365. If you proof for more than two or three holism he has neither the serenity of It is accepted theory in the ap- wonder if it has any real meaning, months, I need some assurance that sobriety nor the pleasures of the proach to other chronic diseases that you might ask my family. This is no my feeble tries for sobriety may in grape, but is always in the uneasiness the early case is as deserving of alibi or justification for occasional some fashion help other alcoholics. of a divided loyalty. He has only so treatment as the one in late stages. drinking by an alcoholic. Who Three years ago I went aground much sobriety as serves to disquiet Surely there is no evidence that aoubts that the chronic slippee is on my own whiskey reef, and I him, to show him the handwriting chances of a successful outcome are in double jeopardy? The slips eat called AA. Since then, it has been on the wall, to interrupt his pleasures in direct relationship to long-stand- away his hope and physical well-beuphill fighting, envying the anniver- and to appear as a death’s-head at ing progression. The best rationale ing and the resulting sluggishness sary celebrations of other more suc- * The Eighteenth Century English writer. for case-finding and care is to catch and despair deny him the grace he

needs from his Higher Power. And progress if the nun devoted herself Some of the dull antics of the slippee “The exercise of the purgation of the eventually the whole game will be- to her daily rule as she should. I be- might help the newcomer and even soul cannot, nor indeed ought it to lost if improvement is not the guid- lieve the experience in AA is the the old-timer if given more serious come to an end, until we die: let us ing beacon. (Editors’ note: We can’t same. The program works within us consideration. At least these way- not therefore be troubled because of help observing that our author’s through the Twelve Steps. We can- ward amateurs will remind us of St. our imperfections, for our perfection DDI is based on a year, whereas the not, it seems to me, will our success Francis de Sales’ encouragement to consists in fighting against them.” classic AA idea, it seems to us, is to with the program. At the fourth anyone – believer or nonbeliever: S. M . C., M . D., Manhattan, N . Y .

How a Slippee Made the Program What made the diflerence was a sufficient period o f hospitalization

base everything on a day. Then per- meeting of our new local group, this haps there could be a DHI – Drink Hour Index?) concept of self-abandonment showed me how to start my own daily study I FELL in love with AA. I went all out, attended meetings, not just one -ALL OF THEM. Man, I was Should every chronic slippee of the Twelve Steps – something I proud of myself. I worked like a bee nourish a conscious, honest, driving hope I have not neglected too long. in a honey factory. I ,thought AA hope to graduate suddenly to the Every group is, 1 think, likely to days and dreamed it nights. anniversary class? I don’t think so. have a growing number of chronic This went on for nearly eight The energy he spends on this ac- slippees as we uncover alcoholics weeks, when I was required to make complishment would be better spent earlier in their careers and they for- a long trip to California. I left by on the program. I recently heard a sake the glass crutch. I am sure they car with the utmost confidence that story about a nun who repeatedly have received and will receive their I was cured and completely dry. It asked the mother superior why she deserved share of group attention, lasted a full 450 miles through snow- (the nun) was making such poor affection and understanding. I am storms, fighting the roads. Then I progress in the religious life. The not so sure that the group will bene- spotted the cutest little liquor store mother superior finally exploded: fit as much as it could from the ex- ‘ you ever saw in your life. It looked “Stop this self-improvement busi- periences of slipping AAs. We are good because I had been thinking ness and get busy with self-abandon- apt to use the more extravagant fail- about how a can of beer would taste. ment!” What the mother superior ures and dramatic successes to drive Just one – or two? Guess what I pointed out was the inevitability of home the beautiful truths of AA. did. . . . No, I didn’t say the Serenity

Prayer, I didn’t say any prayer. I away and cried on his shoulder.’ could dry myself out. I did it all nurses. It takes me a good seven was underneath a cloud. It was a Now I don’t know if anyone else is ,right, too – ten times in the next days. stormy day. God couldn’t see what lucky enough to have a sponsor who six weeks. By now I was drinking I am not advocating that you go I was doing. . . oh, no. I stopped; would go to hell and back for you, brandy, it’s easier(!) on the stom- out and start drinking in order to there was a phone inside so I could but I am. Believe me I have the ach. find this out, but if you have this call my sponsor and talk with him a absolute best. I wound up with a I thoroughly believe there are same problem and your life looks few minutes. Did I see it? Nope. I good AA twelfth-stepper at my door some of us who can quit cold-turkey, anything like mine when drinking, was too busy buying just two little the next morning at 8:30, with a and some who cannot. When I drink, and you can’t get back on the AA . cans of beer. “Oh yes, stick in a can pot of coffee and two hours of talk- I drink every day from morning program for keeps, then perhaps opener too – and might as well put ing. I went to a meeting that night until bedtime. I am not an all-night hospitalization is for you. If so, a pint of whiskey in there also.” and sat on my hands. They weren’t stayer-outer, but bring my drunk don’t be afraid of it. Tell your doc- I got to CaIifornia all right. If cold, they were just a bit shaky. home where I can properly display tor the problem, he’ll take care of anybody wants the mail to go I tried hard that week, actually it to the wife and kids. the rest. You may resent him for a through; if anybody is trapped in a got so I could eat a bit. I thought I Let me tell you one thing though. few days, but he won’t care about storm on land or sea or air, even a could get off the stuff that way, with- Don’t go into the hospital to dry out that. The main thing is that if you raging blizzard -call on little Phil. out any hospitalization. unless you are sure this is it and you have tried repeatedly to stop drink-. He’ll go through all right. Just as The next meeting was Friday, but are going to come out dry and try to ing and found that within a few days long as he is on the booze and there along about Thursday I got to figur- stay dry. And for me to think two or a week or so you are right back . is plenty at the other end. ing that maybe it was the whiskey days will do the job is crazy. On my on the poison, then pick the time Yes, I finally thought of AA that was my trouble. It seemed to fourth day I am so mean that the and place and get real dry to start again. You know when? When I got get to me somehow and as 1 was hospital sends in orderlies instead of with. It worked for me. sick. When I needed help. 1 went feeling good I decided to investigate Phil W . , Sioux City,Iowa down to the clubhouse. Pretty shaky the merits of vodka. After all, most now, so I bought a cuppa coffee and of the salesmen I met at the motel told the guy behind the coffee bar: drank vodka, and didn’t seem to be “I’ve been drinking.” He said: affected by it. So along about 10 “Yeah, I know.” Big conversation A.M. I left my office and went to the – yeah. Where in the hell were the nearest nice bar. However, I manopen arms for little Phil? Met one aged somehow to stay on my feet guy who was talking about getting until I reached Los Angeles. back with his wife (another AA) I called my wife and had her for the first time in years. Who come to meet me there. She isn’t cares about him? Where were the one to interfere much with my open arms for me? I found some all drinking. She knows me! We burned right. I got out of there and found a our way back home in about a nice bar with soft stools, and got a week’s travel time, with appropriate welcome. stops on the way. Guess who did Sometime later, during another most of the driving? week of working a long way from My wife wanted me to go to the home, I really got sick. Crying sick. hospital as soon as we got home, So I called my sponsor 2000 miles and get dry again. I knew better. I

October 1 9 6 5

Now let’s go back to the panic- Tuesday, getting out of bed to get filled moments when Eddie was call- ready for work, he slipped on a ing for help. After a couplc of strike- bathroom rug and hit his head on outs he told his AA friends. “I know the bathtub. There was a small cut I sound thick-tongucd, but I haven’t at the corner of his eye, but the been drinking. Plcase believe me.” bleeding was profuse. They Thought He Was Drunk But nobody believed him. Not After it stopped, he went on to even his doctor. Understandably, work. The following day, in his doctors don’t like to waste time with apartment, his sense of balance drunks, particularly with drunks failed. His body would not obey the who have been to AA and should commands of his mind. He fell, vioknow better. Later, of course, the lently. Confused but determined, he “Would I have gone doctor apologized. At this writing got to his feet – and again fell, the AA members who were called hard. have not apologized. Not all of His vision was clear. Nothing was to him? them, anyway. And Eddie doesn’t fuzzy or blurred. But up and down expect it. He’s glad to be alive. had no meaning. His mind could One frightening thing about Ed- picture exactly what he wanted his Honestly, , die’s experience is that he is not a legs and arms to do. But gravity lived in a nightmare last newcomer, or a chronic slipper. He was yanking him from odd angles,

I don’t know. E DDle Wednesday. He was injured, sick, scared and has been sober in AA for more than thirteen years. Furthermore he slamming him against furniture, hurling him to the floor. Panic set in pain. At least ten times he had has been extremely active, holding in. He could see no reason for this fallen down in his apartment. Fallen an elective office in one of the larg- stupid stumbling. He fought it, That’s hard. Finally he reached the phone est groups in Los Angeles, attend- wildly. And got licked. He was and called for help. He called close ing meetings all over the metropoli- pounded almost into insensibility. AA friends. He called his doctor. tan area, both as a speaker and a He managed to get to the phone, the horror But nobody came. They all thought listener. He is always available for and experienced a new and greater he was drunk. His speech was blur- Twelfth Step work – and he’s on terror. After thirteen years ‘of soa committee at intergroup level. briety, his AA friends would not o f it.” . red . . thick-tongued. So nobody came to help him. All this doesn’t entitle him to spe- believe he wasn’t drunk. And they Finally he dialed his sister. She is cial attention, of course. (“There would not come. Nobody, that is, a nonalcoholic. She made no judg- are no big shots in AA!”) But it until he called his sister. ments, either medical or moral. She surely means that a lot of people After a couple of days they reheard her brother call for help, SO had seen Eddie sober and working leased Eddie from the hospital. The she came over. the progrilm, including the very peo- diagnosis: temporary loss of equili- She found Eddie battered and ple Eddie appealed to for help. Yet .brium resulting from a mild conbruised from his falls. But he hadn’t thcy did not believe him when he cussion. been drinking. She called the doctor, insisted he was not drunk. That’s all that was wrong with and soon Eddie was in a hospital What was wrong with Eddie? Eddie. And he’s O.K. now. receiving the best of care. What made him thick-tongued? Last But I’m wondering what is wrong

had lied about it? Would not this sicians or to ministers, but only to behavior, in an active AA member, drunks who have recovered. We be proof of a terrible sickness of the revel in this praise, and love to hear mind and spirit? Would it not be these tributes to us. evidence of a tremendous need for Are we so brilliant, so discerning, help, far exceeding the familiar re- that we can now withhold that tallapses of the relative newcomer? ent, hide it as we see fit, dole it Who of us dares to weigh such a out in dribbles only after clinical need on our biased, rickety scales investigation? of judgment? Folklore, myths and the basic As it was, Eddie could easily have writings of the great religions all died alone, his call unanswered. Ed- warn what happens when men and die isn’t resentful about all this. He’s women hold back the gifts bestowed grateful to be alive. I’ve seen him at by the gods. The gifts are taken several AA meetings and know that away, the well runs dry. he attended a meeting of sponsors Have we so little faith that we of a rehabilitation house. dare not exhaust ourselves to help Eddie’s experience gives rise to a another human bcing? spiritual sense of balance? I painful question: Is AA, as a fellow- I think of this as a horror story. I didn’t happen to be one of the ship, reaching a stage where its rate Originally I thought of the horror AA members Eddie phoned in his who arrests on a drunk charge a of growth is slowing? Have we of Eddie’s predicament as he vainly fear and distress. But I can’t be diabetic or a victim of cerebral passed the eager, uncritical stage called for help. But the real horror positive that I, too, wouldn’t have palsy. when we were not afraid of “wast- is deeper, now that I’ve thought said, like the others, “Sorry, Eddie, In the early months of our sobri- ing ourselves” on possible false about it. And the horror is closer 1’11 go to any lengths to help you ety most of us have done our share alarms? Are we afraid of bcing to me than Eddie is. before you take that first drink. Call ( I hope) of dashing out at the calls suckers, or being “used”? If Eddie had called me, would I me when you’re sober.” for help from the chronic slipper- We have been told by wise and have gone to him? Honestly, I don’t It’s easy to alibi that even a oos, the yo-yo drunks, the self- admiring friends, by writers such as know. That’s the horror of it. 1 don’t trained medical man was fooled by pitying manipulators who merely Fulton Oursler, and by noted psy- know. Eddie’s thickened speech. want a baby-sitter. It’s part of our chiatrists, that we in AA possess a Would yorc have gone to him? But aren’t we AA members the training, our “internship.” special gift, a gift not given to phy- L . H., North Hollywood, Calif. “experts” who frequently brag that But Eddie had not called for help we can teach the medical profession in thirteen years of AA sobriety. plenty about alcoholism? I’ve snorted Still, AAs who knew him well rein disgust along with other smug acted to his plea as though he were AAs when I hear about an M.D. or the type who had stayed away from a psychiatrist failing to recognize meetings and had reverted to his old “obvious” alcoholic symptoms in a “stinking thinking.” patient. And I’ve shaken my head 1 would like to ask this question: in exasperation when I read about Suppose Eddie had been drinking some “uninformed” police officer last Wednesday? And suppose he

January 1966

old cure. Gct a bottle! I didn’t get a crawled into the house at around big bottle, just a pint. Later that 5 A . M . afternoon, I got a couplc morc pints When I woke up sanity came just in case 1 wanted it that cvcning, back to me. I had proved it to my- I drank these and thcn had two self again. I am an alcoholic. I am morc the next morning. I bcgan to not a social drinker. I cannot mix think: if you are going to control booze and living. I was sick -Oh, this drinking you had bcttcr start. I had becn sicker in the old days but Aftcr all I had just bccn celebrating I was sick enough to remember, my new-found frcedom a littlc bit. and I did not want to regress any- The following day I had a couplc of more. bccrs just to provc I coulcl takc it o r Somehow I livcd through the day leave it. Thcn I skippcd a couplc of without ii drink and the next night days and had nonc, I had it madc; wc went to a meeting. It was a dis- I was able to take it or lc:~vc it. In cussion meeting and the subject that He lookecl this had been such a mcss. I got to thc mcantime my wifc had thought I camc up was, how can a person with thinking that possibly my life had actcd a littlc odd in the mornings four or five ycars of sobriety in AA gift horse it1 the been a rncss, and that my problem but she didn’t want to bclicvc that I start drinking again? If I didn’t wasn’t rcally alcohol anyway. (How had bccn drinking and, aftcr all, shc know better I would have charged many tinics had I heard this story at hadn’t seen me drink. I thought I conspiracy, but I was thankful for it hit hitn meetings?) I thought I could opcn was getting away with it. the discussion and glad to be back this bottlc and try a littlc of it arid I didn’t drink for a couplc of clays where I belonged. I havcn’t thought scc if I was not right. ( I had not and thcn one evening 1 thought I about drinking again except to shud- FTER almost four ycars of happy bccn to a meeting for almost two .A sobriety with everything going months, as the ncarcst meeting was along very smoothly, any alcoholic thirty miles from me. Also my wifc would have a few bccrs now that I dcr and thank God that He gave me was able to. Thcn it happcncd: I got anothcr chance. Many who stray caught on thc old pattern of compul- away ncvcr make it back. I could would be insane to drink again. I had t;~kcn a job working part time sive drinking. I wcnt from bar to bar, see my old life looming up ahead of had a case of temporary insanity. at nights and I was fccling sorry for drank anything I could get, madc a me and I couldn’t go through that The story starts last Christmas – mysclf and needed a littlc rclaxa- complete fool of mysclf hcforc I lost hell again. I am thankful for AA possibly before that. A clicnt of tion.) This bottlc hothercd nic for my memory and finally somchow and for mv’ own restored sanity. mine gave me a bottlc of boozc for scvcral wecks and I think that if I Fla., R. E., Key ~ a r ~ o a Christmas gift. I did not intend to had not wanted to takc a drink 1 drink it, but as it had bcen one of would have gotten rid of it. my favorite bcvcragcs 1 stored it I took thc bottlc and opcncd it. away. I had forgottcn about it, until This wils it. I snlcllcd it, I took a this last Scptembcr when I rcmcrn- drink, I took anothcr one. It was bered it and got to thinking about it. prctty good. Thcn the old glow camc My whole life had changed so much back and 1 drank some more. Aftcr for the better since I had stoppcd I had finished the quart I wcnt to drinking that it seemed as if it must bcd. The next morning I did not fccl have been some other person who extra peppy and I remcmbercd my

February 1 9 6 6

w HY docs someone who ‘has been obviously sober and ap- An inquiry irlto parently happy in AA for six, o r sixteen, or twenty-three years sud- what we call slips They stare into the middle distance, assure me of their earnestness, appear very faint of heart, and somehow create a terrible distance bepossible for me, now or later. I must learn from them. I must try to help them. May God will that they help me. denly go off the deep end, start tween them and me, or anyone else The thing isn’t simple. It just isn’t drinking, and repossess in full the in the group. It is going to be very a case of not making meetings and agony of active alcoholism? easy for them to elude the grasp of therefore getting drunk. Some made I don’t know, and I won’t be our group; they are unconsciously meetings right up to the slip. Not able to tell you in thc course of this practicing, I can see it, a kind of enough? Who knows? In any case, piece. If it is surefire answers you smooth slipping-away trick which meetings or no, the thing to look for want, turn the page and perhaps the presages more trouble, all the while is the point at which the program next article in this issue will offer they really do want to get back was lost, not whether the slipped some. But if you are, like me, sober THE what they very well remember hav- member made one, or four, or nine a few years in AA and quite con- ing had: comfortable sobriety. meetings a week while losing the tent, you may find yourself puzzled, With this article I solicit from program. dismayed and even a little fright- other more experienced AAs advice It’s not simply a question of gctened by the disastrous slips which occur occasionally in every AA RETURN on how to help the old-timer who slips, which I hope the Grapevinc ting too busy and not seeing AA people. The cases I have in mind group. Then bear with me for a few will print. Perhaps I should not say continued in active touch with AAs, minutes while I try to assess what advice; will you share your experi- plenty of them, and I, at least, never may go wrong with the attempt to ence on this deadly serious problem suspected that a long-term member, live the AA life over the long haul. OF of bringing back our slipped mem- also a personal friend, was about to Are slips among mid-timers and bers? takc a dive. old-timers getting more common? Here I should like to set down my It’s not too much coffee, or too Again I don’t know. And I don’t thoughts on what went wrong with little, or being overweight, or staysuppose it would help any drunk KING the sobriety of these members as ing up too late, or getting too much in particular to have beautifully best I can interpret what they tell sleep, or getting too rich, or staying sorted out computer-statistics on his me about the lead-up to, start, and too poor. The members I have in case as it relates to all others. It has course of their slip. I am interpret- mind have nothing in common along happened, however, that I have just lately been close to several AAs try- KONG ing, of course, and I may be wrong. I may be taking other people’s inthese lines. It’s not reading nutty or semiing to get back after slips. I have ventories. I am, at least, judging the nutty articles in popular journals been deeply impressed by how dif- contents of their remarks, made about cures for alcoholism; the peoficult it is. 1 have wanted desperately while in the deep depression of a ple I am writing about are not great to have better ideas for helping them slip, from my own fortunate van- readers in the first place, and are than I d o have. I have noticed es- tage of several years continuous so- not likely to believe just anything pecially that the old standard new- . briety. But this much I know: it about alcohol that they read in a comer-pitch that I learned from AA- could have been the other way mass-circulation magazine. They and have used to good effect on a around: they talking, I listening. I know, after all, the truth about alcofair number of occasions. has no am an alcoholic. No experience they hol, as it relates to an alcoholic. impact whatever on these slip cases. have had or will have can be im- They’re AA members, remember?

What is it? I say that it’s the The ones I have are OK by me, return oj King Kong. I put it this downright civilized, not at all the way to help me watch out. I write it nasty sort that other people have. I this way in the hope of sharing the can, as long as I stay sober, really concern, perhaps carrying to some- do no wrong. I deserve some ease. one, somewhere, a useful message. The hell with this soul introspec- The return of King Kong: the re- tion; I’ve got it made; I’m sober turn of the implacable, inventive, aren’t I? and deceiving inner ruler who knows I don’t for a second think that better than anybody how to work this language is the language any of the angles, run life, manipulate us use to ourselves in the moments people, stay sober, get rich, avoid when we are getting ready to ditch work, win at the ponies, cheat the the AA program and get back the wife, con AA, seduce the lovelies, horrors on a platter. I put it this swim the Hellespont, and explain way because I don’t know how else the stars, because, after all, he set to express an attitude, which needs, them in their courses. actually, no words, and which I sense It’s the return of the inner man is at the root of the alcoholic diswho is his own God; who will not position we have in common. And I how clown. am bold enough to say that this is It’s the rejection of the Third Step the attitude, expressing itself in a of AA, the taking back of one’s life million lying ways, which gets in and into one’s own care, not by saying rots away AA members’ spiritual so, just by a gradual process of lives until they slip, because it is an settling for ourselves as we are, and attitude which I catch myself in freno longer caring about the Fourth quently these days. 1 catch myself through Twelfth Steps of our pro- thinking that I’ve got this thing gram. taped; 1’11 do a few things in AA to It’s getting too comfortable with play it safe, but really, no need to minimal sobriety. Who needs to ask be concerned. I’m sober, after all, for God’s help – humbly ask -in and pretty smart. . . . getting rid of character deficiencies? Anon., Vermont

June 1966

About slips . . dred-spirit rapport. We seemed to we spoke at meetings we managed speak a special kind of language; to touch on our retread status and we shared a special kind of under- our groundless fears of rejection by standing. AA, our needless shame over our Unwittingly we began to help interim failure to work and live the each other: if one found an inter- program. esting group, he would invite the I don’t know that I could have Retread to Retread other; if one drew a committee as- persisted without Tom or someone signment, he would ask the other to in his category of mutual experishare in the responsibility and ex- ence. I do know that within this ecution. By attending an average of fraternity of retreads we have found

I N HIS timely article, “The Return of King Kong” (page 21, Feb. Grapevine), Anon., Vermont, retwo meetings a week, we were eventually asked to serve as group leaders and secretaries. Whenever that our ability to communicate is a most useful tool. S. J . M . , El Cajon, Calif. quests a sharing of experience in assisting interested but quasi-reluctant defectors in their successful transition back into AA and comfortable sobriety. Perhaps one useful key to this roadblock of inertia on the road back to AA is the unique ability of What We Don’t Kn one retread to communicate with another of his kind – a simple ex- AM in complete agreement with completely, conscious only of my tension of the theory and practice own ignorance, stupidity and helpof Twelfth Step work. lessness. I early learned that what In April, 1961, Tom and I got me sober would keep me sober. stumbled onto this formula by co- had enough years of sobriety in and I have consciously tried to practice incidentally attending our second through AA to be in the dangerous the mental exercise of realizing my comeback meeting together. Tom age; if there ever comes an age of ignorance, stupidity and helplesshad been away from AA for eight more – or less – danger. I write ness solely for the purpose of mainyears after eight successful years on this in order to share with Grape- taining my sobriety. the program; I had becn away seven vine readers other ways of saying I can also name too many who years. We had not previously becn the same thing that article did. gradually developed a very effecacquainted, however, our arrival at First, let me give credit to Bill D. tive program of living, and learned sub-cellar bottoms had been almost (now deceased), who was No. 3 it so well that their entire conseioussimultaneous. AA. By his example and with few ness was filled with their knowledge At the start of the meeting we in- words he impressed upon me cer- of this good way of life. Gradually troduced ourselves to the group as tain viewpoints which have been of the dry rot of boredom and the ‘retreads. After the meeting we and great help to me. crass egotism of do-it-my-way set in our wives established a warm, kin- When I first came to AA, I was the mind, deep within. Emmett Fox

refers to this as the sin of “spiritual solve it, but I can find that knowlpride” or the unforgiveable sin edge if I am not too stupid to pracagainst the spirit. As with a tree, tice the remaining eleven Steps. . many times when the first signs of Step Two may tell me my brain rot appear on the surface, it is too is not working properly, but experilate to save the tree. I lcarncd early, encc has taught me there is a Power “When I’m green I’m, growing. to make it operate properly. Step When I’m ripe I’m beginning to Three has me deciding to let this rot.” So I try to continue to seek Power handle the problem of any what I do not know, to find my mental malfunction. Step Four has ignorance and stupidity. Helpless- me search my mind for any errors ness is usually the result. But T which might in any way affect the have found more sobriety. problem. In order to check my sclf- Another way to look at it is this. honesty and to face the reality of My entire reasoning power is based the problem and any self-found erupon what is in my memory- rors I must discuss the errors with what I know right now. But that is God and at least one fellow-man all dead information collected dur- Step Five. Step Six tells me to be ing my life up to this moment. Tt is ready and willing to do what I must not living in the present but living to have these errors removed within the past, for the act of reasoning out regard to cost, and Step Scvcn brings bcforc the consciousness on- says I must humbly ask God to rcly those data that we know. Prayer, movc them. Steps Eight and Nine meditation, contemplation – the tell me to check any problem with reaching for what we don’t know is regard to all other men, and if any the only way to live in the present are adversely affected, and 1 can do completely. Sounds like Step Eleven something about it, I had better do doesn’t it? it. Steps Ten, Eleven and Twelve tell Yet another way to look at the me to begin again on Step One in problem involves use of all the shorter form and ask that God’s Steps, especially Step One. A safe will be done, with thc proviso that I method of reasoning for me (so will share the results with othcrs. far) is to realize that for any prob- All the “slippers” T havc known, lem I am ignorant of the answer, and those with the added problem and if I did know thc answer, no of narcotics, have all indicated by problem would exist. For any de- word and dccd thcir difficulty in rccision, if I knew for sure which way alizing that they were spending most to go, the decision would be already of their conscious hours thinking made. So for any situation which about what they know instcad of presents a difficulty, T do not, on what they don’t know. my own, have the knowledge to A. G . O.,Branson, M o .

June 1 9 6 6

DANCE HALL ANGEL

s the train sped north through A milcs of citrus grovcs and the niystcrious swamps with their trees An A A on a slip was ‘ ing I’d like to dance, I wandered into a dance emporium. anniversary plus some months but was having a slip. shrouded in Spanish moss, my sub- As I was staring at a cold beer Instead of ordering the usual watconscious mind was working, tor- bottle a petite blonde stopped beside ered whiskey and a drink for me, menting me. That desire for a drink Iookitlg for. escape and me and asked me if I cared to Helen ordered two black coffees and was getting strongcr! Maybe just one dance. The juke box music was we had a long talk, plus’ several wouldn’t hurt! good, but my feet weren’t moving in more black coffees. At Waldo the Miami section was found something diflerent – the right direction, so I ‘suggested It was a miracle that I had met an added to the train, including the we sit the next one out. AA in a dance hall and after leaving club car with a “Scotch on the After a.bit of chitchat the blonde Helen I wandered around a bit and rocks.” The results were inevitable. having a few Bloody Marys, 1 (I’ll call her Helen), noticing that I called a member of my own group 1 spent practically the entire trip in jumpcd in ii cab and went uptown to was having a struggle with my beer, who worked in the city and was a the club car. I did have breakfast on the gay white way where 1 figured suddenly asked me if I had a prob- fellow commuter. the train plus a fcw of “the dogs that there was no possibility of bumping lem with booze. I admitted I did, He was very kind, met me at the bit me.” into some AA friend who would and then to my surprise she said station and saw that I arrived home Arriving at my destination, I spoil my drinking. that she was a member of AA and safely. I prayed that night and looked for ;I phone to call the office, Several hours of bar hopping that I should seek help from them. thanked God for the miracle of AA, and found onc in a hotel bar, just hadn’t restored the happy feeling I’d I told Helen that I’d been in AA for for arriving home safe, and for the outside the station. Aftcr cillling and had the previous evening so, think- several years and had made a first AA angel from the dance hall. W . W . , Westchester, N . Y .

May 1967

On Wednesday morning, I was to send me back to you. Others T was only a few weeks after my I first AA meeting that you told me if I would breathe a little prayer awakened by the rude jangle of the telephone – a wrong number. Minutes later in the bathroom, I learned – back. I did. Back to the never get meetings- – those warm, magically inspiring meetings. Back to the first thing in the morning asking that “someone” ( I ) had left the hot morning prayer. God to give me just this day without water faucet open just a dribble, This time 1 risked no spasmodic alcohol that that’s the way it would and there was no hot water! Splash- application. Knowing how easily I be. I had heard many of you say ing cold water and swearing round- can be side-tracked by an early that you attributed your sobriety to ly, there were no thoughts of a morning phone call, or some similar this simple practice; but, you see, I prayer that morning. It was the disruption of my routine, I tied a On M y had also heard stories about DTs, pealing of the church bells on Sun- piece of colorful yarn on my toothconvulsions and jails, and since day that reminded me again. brush. My first act of the new day is none of these horrors related to me, This erratic program, coupled brushing my teeth, and the yarn Toothbrush I didn’t identify with the prayer with frequent AA meetings, got me reminded me that I must not get angle either. 1 had to be told. through about three months of dry- into the busy-ness of my day without I climbed into the alcohol squirrel ness. Then, during one of the first petitioning my God for this day cage at age fourteen and emerged, “misses,” when some acquaintances without any desire for alcohol. I battered and bruised, at age forty; were drinking the liquor they had have never been tempted to take a that gave me some twenty-six years drink since. She forgot . . . to fog up my brain. Perhaps it is brought into my home, one made But I had had to be told. ‘the astute observation that it would understandable that I ttcrd to be told seem their hostess could take just “Repetition strengthens; habit and soon got what to do. I marvel when I sec one drink with them to be sociable. confirms; and faith follows naturalnewcomers latch on to this program After all, one didn’t have to drink ly,” someone has said. No longer is drunk. through simple identification with the town dry -just be sociable. my toothbrush adorned with a piece the successful ones. When you told Completely overlooking the fact that o f yarn; 1,735 mornings of remem- She decided me what you did, my reaction was 1 had been quite sociable for three bering have set the mold of beone of, “Oh, really? How nice.” months without a drink, I said, havior. to remember Never dreaming that you were subt- “Why, of course. That makes sense. This is not to say that my sobriety ly suggesting I d o the same thing. I will have just one with you.” Fa- has been maintained solely through So, about the morning prayer. mous last words. practicing a morning prayer; but it at all costs. After you told me this, point-blank, All of you know the next sorry did serve as the impetus I needed to I decided to give it a go. What did I chapter of this narrative. Back on initiate the Twelve Steps and to put have to lose? Foregoing an audience the treadmill. Back to remorse and our Slogans into a living philosophy. cramped my elocutionary style self-loathing. Back to mortification, Alcohojics Anonymous is a felsomewhat, but unappreciated and hangovers, blackouts and that ovcr- lowship of men and women who alone on Monday morning, 1 went all misery peculiar to our disease. share. Thank you for letting me into what developed to be my hit- Yet, I was a fortunate one. It took share with you. or-miss routine. Sure enough. Just only three months of this living hell N . C . , Abilene, Texas like you said I would, I had a won- –

derful day. The impression was a lasting one. It lasted through Tuesday – another good day.

0ctober1967 man,woman,executive and derelict No pattern,no denominator, — why they? They are apparently nothing but sobriety in commonno different,really,from those who that we know beyond doubt.And fallfrom thecliff into the defile. hard on the heels of that thought (Many of them tried,you know. follows another:Is it, then, that the The Path on the Cliff’s Edge You saw it.They tried and tried sobriety given us is not for ourselves again.Over and over, their hopeful -not for ourselves,but for somereach exceeded their pitifulgrasp. one else or something else? There is Unusualwordsonaninevitablereflection: Then one day there was nothingleft a purpose we cannot know, can Why do some make AA and others not? to make the try,and the defile never fathom,but we keep faith claimed someone who couldnot dewith it by keeping sober. light in the path.) I want to stay on the cliff-side Therc is no common denominapath,that I may help someone or tor; no pattern among those who some purposc. VER andover again through the been walking the path for years can stay on the sober way. For being Sufficient unto the day is the years inAAithascome to me say with certainty,“This one will there is a favor (we must never warmth ofknowing——forwhatever like a dawn or a rainbow: the sensc make it,””This one will stumble.” forget this, nor take crcdit for it). rcason— that I am today on the of this luck,this favor,this selection Some who make it are rich, some It is a random favor, casily lost and path, and thc view is good. of those of us who have “”madc it.” poor.Some climb to the path from refound only with great difficulty. W.S.R.,South Norwalk,Conn. With the sense of luck, the joy of families withlong alcoholic hisbeing sober, rides the knowledge tories,some from teetotal homcs. Religions differ. Educations vary. that those of us whohavc madeit There is no “typical”member walkfor five years or ten or twenty or even more, are walking the same ing the cliff-side path. clif-edge path as today’s ncwest The cliff seems to rise higher for member. cach ofus as we walk toward our TIME There is joy in me when I look goal.The newcomer who falls from backwardtoday—thcremembrance it scrambles lightly back.When one of twenty-four-hour periods strung whohaswalked the pathforyears bright on the thread of sobriety, slips from it, the plunge is severe whichI owe to AA,under aHigher and the scramble back tothepath a Power. heartbreak of effort. So many threads have brokcn The file on the path keeps onduring those same years! So many ward,made up of pcople who are could-have-been-happy peoplc are intent,helpful, optimistic.It generdead,or fighting what cannot be ously includes thc widest array of fought except up here on the path. personal beliefs and colors, nation- Why do some of us makc it, alities and personalities. while others do not? A common denominator? Therc k No one can say for sure about is none; none except the desire to “I sobered up and got on the pills.I got drunk to get off the pills. anyone.Not even thosc who havc stay sober.Rich,poor,tall,short; ThenIneeded thepillsto sober up.Then…

December 1 9 6 7

Be sure to read this article – before reading ‘Sanctuary Regained’ on page 8

Sanctuary

years we are able to find relief from able” dilemmas from which we had 0 NE of the unique privileges of the Church during the Middle Ages was its right to grant “sanctupursued victims of alcoholic failure a refuge from the wrongdoings of our past. Our pursuers are not the wreckage we have made of our lives; we are able to “unload” our fled. Thus, the physical sanctuary can serve only as a brief respite ary,” a form of immunity from civil necessarily the arms of civil author- stored-up confessions of despair and from the terrors of our existence. authority. In practice, any person ity (although sometimes this is the failure without being greeted by But, and this is the most imporfleeing from the wrath of the law case); usually, the pursuit is main- reactions of contempt or patronizing tant “but*’ of our lives, we discover could receive full protection for as tained by the tortures of mind and disgust. In the process of this pri- something our medieval counterlong as he remained within the body which force us to the terrible- mary “confession and absolution” parts never knew – a “sanctuary” physical walls of the cathedral ness of complete defeat. phase, we begin to get a faint touch that can be taken with us, a permabuildings. The drawback was, of The first physical AA surround- of the peace which had for so long nent refuge from our hunters! This course, that the outcast, unless tak- ings to which we are exposed, escaped us. “portable sanctuary” is, very simply, ing the vows of the Church and whether they be a sponsor’s home Like the cathedral, however, the the peace of mind granted us if we becoming a Brother, was eventually or elaborate clubrooms, grant us a physical sanctuary of AA is value- choose to accept and practice the forced to return to the world of his “sanctuary” in which to “escape.” less once we have left the actual AA principles of living. Although pursuers and face the punishment Most alcoholics grasp at it in the walls within which we found it. The a few of us may say, “If it’s that from which he had fled. manner that the victim of the Mid- return to the world again brings us easy, I don’t need help. . .” (and go It is in much the same fashion dle Ages clutched at the doors of face-to-face with the same “insol- out and get drunk to prove it), most that our present-day AA offers to the cathedral. For the first time in uble” problems and “insurmount- of us use the discovery as the con-

f S a’ ri

vincing factor in making our deci- stronger and stronger ramparts be- ing for us, just as surely as if we over the wasted years, but we will sion to attempt the new life which. tween ourselves and our enemies. had never experienced sobriety. remember that we are much too the AA program extends to the al- At long last the day comes when, If we retain enough sanity to close to thcm to allow ourselves coholic. after constant effort, we are able to recognize our slip, we begin la- ever again the fatal indulgence of When we first utilize AA in revis- put our pursuers out of conscious boriously to refortify our lives, complacency. ing our patterns of conduct, we sight and mind. And what a glorious thanking a Higher Power that we Now, as each twenty-four-hour actually begin, in effect, the con- day it is! were given another chance. We may period of sobriety merges from presstruction of the sanctuary of mind It’s extremely ironic that this very rebuild our foundations on cynicism ent to past, we ourselves must deand body which enables us to en- time of “release” can become the or resentment and inevitably slip termine whether our program of dure, and eventually even enjoy, the end of our A A sobriety. Believing again, perhaps to insanity and recovery is worth the effort to keep physical problems that once sent us ourselves secure, we leave the sanc- death. Or, utilizing the knowledge our defenses secure. If it is, we will cringing to the bottle for relief. As tuary as represented by the pro- so painfully acquired, we can re- continue to climb the AA steps and, the benefits of this new personal gram. Under the delusion that the build our sanctuary on AA bedrock most important, will share what we approach to living gradually make specters of our past no longer exist, to a strength that will never be al- have found with those who still flee. themselves felt in our homes, jobs, we attempt to “do it alone” as we lowed to crumble. If we choose the We will, indeed, build a “catheand friendships, we make further had done before AA came into our , latter, we shall put the past out of dral” in our minds, and thereby find additions to the mental walls of lives. It is a most bitter lesson we mind – but not to the point of total the only possible peace in our alcoour individual sanctuaries, building learn – that the specters were wait- forgetfulness. We shall not brood holic lives. C . I . , Beloit, Wis.

‘The lessorl is a strict one: The curse of What cart arz A A who has had a ruinous slip teach us? Sanctuary Regained alcoholism is the inability to face reality’

L AST weekend, unpacking a box of odds and ends which had been stored in a series of garages for come to understand it in the past nine years. Its most gripping tug for me now, wife, and children; commitment to high-pressure public-relations job at the Texas State Mental Hospital as a Los Angeles agency. Moving to a a suicidal depressive; a place in the comfortable new home (the same many years, I unearthed a most however, came at the bottom of the line outside the blood bank on Los move that had unearthed the box of poignant souvenir: the Grapevine of second page: the initials and ad- Angelcs’ skid row during cold, rainy mementos retained by my wife all ‘February 1953. dress, “C. I., Beloit, Wis.” 1 had dawns; dissolution into a terrified these years). One page was dog-eared -the written the story.* animal loose on the streets, con- Incredible. Another of the legion page carrying a contribution called Certainly, such an article in- sumed with the knowledge that no of “AA miracles.” Another case of “A Portable Sanctuary.” In glancing dicated that its author was well on therapy, no fellowship, no unything an alcoholic suddenly discovering over the two-page article, I was the “happy road.” And yet in the was strong enough to offset the ter- sobriety and thereby finding a new amazed to discover that its basic six years following the night in rible sickness deep inside. . lifc. idea – that the AA program is a 1952 when I wrote those para- Yet here I was, sober nearly nine And yet something is wrong here. “sanctuary” which we take with us graphs, I was subjected to the most years. Living pleasantly with the It doesn’t quite fit, does it? The into the world – was a highly ac- violent experiences of my lifc: jail same family 1 had lost for the better theme of the article fits my current curate description of AA as I have in five different states; loss of home, part of a decade. Working in a thinking, but the article was written * Rrprinled o n page 6 oj this i.rsrre.

fifteen years ago. Somehow, its ap-. sprees, the arrests, the loss of family proach was insumcient to sustain and job, thc degradation. sobriety at the time it was written. This morning, as I sit in my den But exactly the same concept today and glance out the window, I see a provides the most sustained period world that has gradually become a of comfort that I’ve ever known. friendly place in which to live. I see It apparently flies in the face of my four little girls (now four big all logic. How can this be? An easy girls) throwing a ball with their new explanation would be that I did not little brother. I see my wife driving believe in the central idea when I off to the market, smiling and uavwrote it’ down, but have since be- ing. I watch a carload of people come converted. This is not correct. drive up – a carload of people who I believed in it as much on that cold call me their sponsor. 1 see, in short, Wisconsin night as 1 do on this a world that cannot logically exist sentence” that dropped the scales stead: bright California morning fifteen for a person such as myself. from my eyes; that suddenly a path (1) I achieved little or no physiyears later. Rut it does exist. 1 can see it and was unveiled before me; that all cal cvidence that I “no longer The difference is that simple word touch it. And the only reason that it despair fled forever when I found needed help.” My home for almost “understanding.” has come to exist is that 1 have been this new life. my entire first year of sobriety was In 1952, I did believe that AA driven to discover that I suffer from It is true that I discovered magic the back seat of an abandoned car was the most effective therapy in the alcoholism. As much today as in any sentences and concepts that changed at the far end of the AA-club parktreatment of alcoholics. But, at the hangover. As much in my comfort- my thinking. But each breakthrough ing lot. I was fired from job after same time, I felt a terrifying cer- able home as sleeping in a doorway. seemed to be transient, eventually job: janitoring, dishwashing, wraptainty that its therapy was applicable I have been a lucky one who sur- withering away. And with its disap- ping packages. Life became a 1 only to my periods of drinking. vived to discover that alcoholism is pearance would return doubt and twenty-four-hour project, just to I There was nothing in AA, I thought, not measured just by how much or fear and pain, They would force me survive. that could quell the demons lurking whew 1 drank, but also by my loss to struggle again until 1 came across ( 2 ) I had no social status to in my head after I was sober. of emotional tolerance for reality. another answer. Then another brief maintain. As one old-timer’told me Ipso fucto, I was not the type of The lesson is a strict one: The curse period of confidence. . . then the a couple of years ago, “You were a alcoholic that could be helped by of alcoholism is the inability to face rest of the cycle. 1 couldn’t find the perfect example of the type of AA AA. If I was an alcoholic at all, my reality. Thus, until 1 begin to ac- magic phrase that would put life in- bum that I didn’t want to associate case was complicated with those knowledge this with revised pat- to perpetual perspective. It seemed with!” grave emotional problems that are terns, I must always eventually re- hopeless. (3) 1 did not have to justify AA often described as “too much for turn to the bottle – or pills -or Looking back at those months in to my family. My parents had cut AA to handle.” whatever can chenlically smooth the 1958, it seems amazing that I could me off years before; I had no idea With this as a premise, I came sharp edges of my own emotional have erred so many times without where my wife and children were. very close to dying. Dying of alco- inadcquacy . drinking. (It is difficult to remember (4) 1 could not afford to mix holism, eliminated from the world But obviously it is easier to say that even those errors were progress – conjunctive therapies, as I had done because I could not understand that these lessons than to come to believe compared with what had gone be- in bygone attempts. I was forced inthese “grave emotional problems” in them in the pit of the stomach. It fore.) to AA’s mold, since I was no longer sobriety are often as much a part of would be pleasant to report that my 1 did have certain advantages, financially or socially qualified to alcoholism as are the drunken life was changed through a “magic however, that served me in good seek more ego-satisfying treatment.

All in all, it wasn’t a great deal of. not tender. He didn’t seem to have In short, I was goaded into learning get where I came from. I find fun. But it was evidently tailor-made understanding. He could not be ap- how to live in reality. myself tempted to survive on wise for the rehabilitation of a bitter, peased by explanations. He insisted And, in so doing, I gradually words rather than on corrective acterror-stricken, apparently arrogant on action. He demanded I try . . . came to believe that AA would tion. Sometimes I feel I’ve done failure in both AA and life. To- and try . . . and pick myself up and work for me, that my illness could enough for AA. gether with the guidance of my try again. rightfully be described as “an allergy But then comes discomfort. And sponsor, these afflictions saved my A number of nights, I made elab- of the body combined with an ob- discomfort triggers the memory of sanity and my life. orate plans on how some day he session of the mind.” It became ap- all the pain and agony that went The man whom I chose as my would be sorry. I would publicly parent that doing the actions – as before. I am glad to discover that sponsor. turned out to be an un- shame him by the consideration I opposed to discussing them, or eval- the hard-won habits are still strongj pleasant surprise for me. He was would show for people whom I uating them, or selecting them, or er than my self-indulgent rational- I sponsored. I’d get a better-type even writing about them -was izations. sponsor who would see that my so- bringing a result that manifested it- I still can habitually remember briety would be improved by finding self in the day-to-day business of that the comfortable world stays me a room and a job. I’d hire and living. with me only as long as I maintain fire people like my first sponsor. Alcoholics Anonymous did what it. Last year’s record is not enough. He’d be sorry. it said it would do – but only after Next year’s promises might not ma- ‘I have been Other nights, however, I was not I was finally squeezed into doing terialize in time. Now is still the a lucky one plotting revenge. I was consumed what it said I should do. time. And, as I heard many long by my failure, my inadequacy, my Sometimes it is hard, from where years ago, it doesn’t even matter who survived terror. On these nights, there was I sit today, to recreate that battle- whether I succeed in my goals, but only one man I respected and field. It’s been a long time since I it is imperative that I continue to to discover that trusted to hear my confessions of slept in the back of a car, was fired try. despair. He would use my pain as a as a dishwasher, went hungry. The I’m glad this sunny morning that alcoholism is not motivating force to direct me into man who taught me to re-enter the I came across an old and dog-eared still another series of actions and human race has been dead for a Grapevine. It took me on a long measured by how much progress which eventually brought number of years. Many of the peo- trip back down the trail. It made me blessed relief. Enough comfort, in ple whom I knew (and whom I remember what it was like when I or where I drank, fact, that I again could temporarily desperately envied) have somehow only had the words – before I was but rather by be resentful towards his lack of forgotten why they stayed sober and forced to learn the music. It reunderstanding. have returned to the terror. The called the days when I was “too the loss of The result? I was eventually co- world has gotten older. sick” for AA, and the memories of erced – almost always against my My role has changed immensely, my friends who became “too well” emotional tolerance will of the moment – into taking too. Now I am expected to under- for AA. “suggested steps” at the very times stand and guide and be an example. It is ironic that an article written for reality.’, I least wanted to. I was forced to Now I must handle the problems in 1952 by a man so totally unable relearn how to hold a job. I was that come with the rewards of sobri- . to live could do so much to give. driven to weather periods of fear ety. Now I must be a father, a him a warm glow fifteen years later. and depression. I was hounded into friend, a son, a citizen, a sponsor. Thanks for the article, “C. I., Beloit, earning enough money for a room, Occasionally, my growing com- Wis.” 1’11 remember how you felt. for food, for clothes, for my family. fort has a tendency to help me for- C . I . , West Los Angeles, C d i f .

F e b r u a r y 1968

Four Days Sober. ..Again She had had a sobey year once – te?z years ago.

But each new morning still challenges, and promises. . .

I T WAS four o’clock in the mmning, and I had not danced the whole night through. I was four to a meeting and try once more, my father had had it. No one can blame him. Honeychild, one thing I have managed to do (at a “farm” up in Saratoga County, New York, sevshower when I’m washing my hair), but one gets hungry. The reading went slowly. A man days sober, and trying to sleep at So, sober, I was ordered out of I eral years ago) is kick pills. I may sat down beside me and asked if I home, in my father’s small apart- the house at four AM. 1 yet, by the grace of God as mani- were job-hunting. Stunned at his ment. He’s eighty-seven. My father I had four dollars on me, which fested in AA (one of his greater prescience, I said yes. He told me in began to cry. I suggested, it seemed an AA friend had slipped in my works, like one star differing from colorful terms that I had one if I to me reasonably and gently, that denim-apron pocket in an elevator. another in glory), manage to kick wanted it, and I said I’d call a cop. we had better try to get a night’s (Actually, it had been a five-dollar I liquor. But cigarettes I must have. (Thank God I’m not a cop-fighter. sleep. bill, and one had already gone for So I moved to the vast waiting I adore New York’s finest, and in The heavens fell. aspirin.) But the future loomed room, spent a dime on the New happier days used to take my I had just had my forty-eighth dark, as I was jobless and had no York Times, and tried to read. 1 daughter, who is now a mother, birthday, which I celebrated by go- bank account and the wealthy had a tentative plan – to go over to down to West Twelfth Street to ing to the Open Door meeting, two friends were becoming bored and Bickford’s Employment Office on watch the mounted police ride off blocks from the frowzy hotel where the poor friends needed their petty Seventh Avenue near Thirty-Fourth in the early morning. I still think my poor father had been living for cash for urgent reasons of their own. and apply for a job as a waitress. New York’s mounted policemen are the past thirty years. Although I So I walked to Grand Central One can always sleep in the ladies’– the most beautiful men in the world, was happy about the fact that I had Station and sat down in the ladies1- room lounge (no, I don’t smoke but then my great-grandmother was actually managed, once more, to room lounge. when I’m sleeping, and that’s the a Dougherty.) The pest moved off. pull out of an appalling tear and get There were no ashtrays. only time I don’t – I smoke in the Time passed. And then – it is, I

and 1 sat there actually grateful that Greater New York has ever poured I looked so frightful: dirty blue me a free cup of coffee. God is indenim apron, a ragged cardigan of deed good, and, although this is a my father’s with all but one button simple story, advancing no theory, missing, a smashed kneecap leaking it might not be inappropriate for me through a bandage, and, best of all, to set down what are, for me, the a cut over one eye which had be- three most important and the most come infected, with another leak beautiful words in the program: that was gently coagulating on the Came to Believe. eyelashes of the right eye. At nine I tore upstairs next door The American aristocrats moved to Bickford’s hiring hall (it really off, and a man opposite, who had opens at six if anyone is interested) been watching me closely during this and was turned down for lack of brief agony, smiled and got up and experience. It was a Tuesday. The moved toward me. At such a point, inexperienced are hired only on wild thoughts run through one’s Mondays, when they’re desperate. head, like: All is lost iinyway, is So I started walking. By this time, there money in it, why not, what’s of course, the bars were open and I I the difference? But there was a dif- had three dollars and change left, ference, because in a voice like I but – and it amazes me – 1 just Patton’s at the Battle of the Bulge I didn’t feel like having a drink. If I barked: “Back!” And he backed. had, I would have had one – it’s a It now seemed to me it was time simple program – but 1 didn’t. I even in recollection, incredible – for a change of scene. walked. This, on a smashcd knee- phone the Grapevine under the imone of my classmates from a small, So I spent twenty cents on sub- cap, and 1 said smashcd. And in my pression that it was the AA Private private elementary school appeared, way fare, shuttled to Times Squarc haste to leave my poor, weeping. Detective Service. Not a bad idea. arm in arm with her husband, an and crashed down to Thirty-Fourth outraged, dcspcrate fathcr, I had of And he practically wept with relief editor of Fortune Magazine, and her Street on the local. By this time it course forgotten the aspirin. when he saw me, and begged me to youngest daughter. She had no was seven o’clock, so I had only two By noon, it was no longer funny. forgive him and kiss him. My 1 I makeup on; she didn’t need it, the hours to kill till the Employment Also, my aged fathcr and I are mother’s in heaven, 1 am his only tan was that perfect. She had no Ofice at Bickford’s opened, and 1 very much alike. It’s the old story: child, and even if I am a chronic jewelry on; she didn’t need it, the decided to kill them at Childs’, go Whenever you call anyone names, alcoholic whom many consider dress was that good. I suppose for broke, and have a breakfast it’s yourself you’re talking to. His hopeless (but 1 refuse to), I guess they’d been in for a dentist appoint- special, 89$. Most beautiful meal I wild temper, like mine, has its other I’m better than nothing. ment or a theater or something and ever ate in my life, at the counter, aspects – he’s a warm-hearted per- So I had a bite of lunch and a were taking an early-morning train and the counterman – who was son, as, with all my faults, am I. nap, and then 1 made it over to the back to the Connecticut countryside. nobody’s fool, bless him – let me So I went back to the bed-sitter and Old Twenty-Fourth Street Women’s God knows. sit there for two hours and even peeked in. Lucky I did so. Eight Group (two o’clock on Tuesdays), God is also good; she didn’t rec- poured me a second cup of coffee I hours alone, and he was phoning all and it was a smash. Helen, the secognize me. There are sweet uses of for free. It is the only time in my New York, and (this is rather a retary, is a remarkable young womadversity, as the poet reminds us, life that anv, waiter or waitress in sweet one) he was just about to an, and the speaker was one who,

when she had finished, left a giant The work arrived, and it was a very question: Trouble? What’s that? healthy object lesson to me on what Never heard of it. We lingered over 1 must have put others through coffee, and then the speaker taxied when I was drinking on the job. downtown, and Helen, complete There was nothing I could do but with two miniature white poodles proof and edit the labels. They were with diamond-studded collars and already pasted on, and the rest of Mark Cross leashes, drove me them lost. But the proofing and across town in her own car. (This editing itself was a labor worthy of bit about the Old Twenty-Fourth Samuel Johnson’s dictionary crew. Street Clubhouse being a lower And this was just on a secretarial depth feeds me a bit. Yes, there are level. What must it have been roaches, but then, as my favorite like for the top brass as they sat drugstore clerk, a White Russian and waited for my immortal prose, who knows his Tchaikovsky, once and the deadline approached, apsaid to me: “What is home without proached, approached. . . ? a roach?” And besides, obviously, And there wcnt the rest of the such things are so secondary.) twenty-four hours, on schcdule, and Back at the bed-sitter, the phone happy. By midnight it was done. I rang. It was Thea, an Al-Anon hurled myself on my folding cot whom I had met at the local doc- my aged parent was already asleep tor’s, where a fellow group member on his ditto – and slept. had taken me for penicillin for the At four o’clock sharp, thc wccpkneecap. Thea had a problem. The ing began again. But this time I alcoholic to whom she had farmed held my peace. I remembered somcout some high-fashion typing, enve- thing that my original sponsor told lopes, labels, and lists, a rush pro- me ten years ago, which was when motion job, had instantly gotten I had my one and only year of soblotto, and it was due the next briety, my only AA birthday: morning. Could I? Would I? She “There’s only one thing worse than was hesitant – she had not known being an alcoholic, Joni, and that’s me when, but she had known the having to live with one.” name. And then she added, “I won’t So I lit a cigarette and picked up tell who typed it.” She knew the job a book, prepared for the worst. was for an extremely successful Somctimcs it gocs on for hours. younger woman who had been what (Don’t worry-he won’t rend this.) in the Paris salons they call my But God is good; after a few minlupin de couloir before the fall. (We utes, he turned over and went back call it errand-girl.) to sleep, and so did I. “Tell her what you please,” I Joy comes in the morning. said, delighted at unything to do. Joni H.,Mtrnhtrttnn, N . Y .

F e b r u a r y 1968

bation because my creditors had the situation. This I am attempting written to the air force vainly try- to do by putting it down on paper ing to collect their just debts. With for a good, hard look, and to be my eight children to feed and an alco- constant reminder. holic’s appetite for booze, there was I once heard, and took as my firm Five Years in AA never enough money to pay them. belief, that an AA member passes I didn’t try. I made all the excuses through three stages of growth in there were. The only bills paid were the program. what my wife could handle by hid- First, there is the period of still ing money from me, those payments “wanting to drink” while knowing that would keep me out of court you can’t. For some, it is over (and I still have another summons quickly; others take longer. I per- An AA returning after a slip takes deliberate aim to go), and, of course, my bar bill. sonally find this period shortens in That had to have top priority. I direct proportion to how well I on wanting sobriety above all else would wake up at night sometimes work AA. and get a glimmer of my life and The second stage is “wanting to wonder what was to become of me. want sobriety.” I believe I have These periods of nighttime depres- reached this stage now. I sure hope

I T IS almost ten years since I was get more active. I faded right out of first introduced to AA. My drink- the AA doorway in no time at all. ing history had carried me across And so I got drunk again. The sion drove me to hide deeper in the so, for, like humility, when you drinking fogs. Although I recog- think you have it, you probably nized the problems, I refused to haven’t! During this stage, it would Canada 4,000 miles from east to slip was really a slide that lasted two face and accept them. be only too easy to become conwest, and as far north as White- years, followed by another two Upon my return to AA, I find I fused, get turned around, return to horse in the Yukon. This was not years of baffled attempts to get back am still running away from the re- drinking. This is about where I beboxcar traveling. It was in the air on the AA program. Finally I re- sponsibility of these problems. This lieve I was when I slacked off be- (in more ways than one), as a mem- alized I was not Mister AA and had could get me drunk again. I have fore. ber of the Royal Canadian Air much to learn and relearn about the stayed sober through the AA Fel- This then, for me, is the.turning Force. The RCAF finally sur- program. It took another trip to lowship and the program, but I am point. rounded me .with a veterans’ hos- the hospital, this time in the nation’s having difficulty in “practicing these Now, to remain sober with any pital in Winnipeg, Manitoba, for capital, to get me running scared; principles in all my affairs.” degree of contentment, I have to “acute alcoholism.” but now, thank God, I have re- Recently, I started to raise a fuss remember to review the Twelve Nevertheless, I still drank, out of mained sober for two and a half over the promotion that passed me Steps and my attitude towards them . control, despite efforts to force me months. by. However, some sober thinking as often as I possibly can. Then I into AA. Not until I was thoroughly I knew what honesty was, but the has convinced me that causing this will have reached the third stage of beaten, mentally and physically, did thought of really trying to look at kind of trouble will do no good and “wanting sobriety above all else.” I try AA for myself. It worked. myself honestly came to me after a the frustration of bucking it through It is here that I feel I will actually I I remained contentedly sober for particularly rough time over a pro- , may hurt my sobriety. .begin to grow in the AA way of life. I about five years. The last six motion, one that I was not to re- I have at least the honesty to see This is where I can at last enjoy life months of the fifth year, however, I ceive. Although my work had been the reason for my not being pro- for its own sake, rather than trying rested on my laurels, using the ex- assessed as more than satisfactory, I moted: My life is unmanageable. to make it over to suit myself. cuse that the younger fellows should had just come off a period of pro- But it is another matter to accept Jim C., Metcalje, Ont.

February 1968

Two Fortune CookCe Have

Happy Message

He was

wanting a

drink, but F ATE? Coincidence? A Higher Power? Whatever you want to call it, the event involved a printer, decided to eat a baker, a Chinese waiter, and a member of AA by the name of Ray. first. It was You can decide whether God, co- .cup of Chinese tea, sugared it, and well, they were in front of him, crisp incidence, or fate was also involved. Ray had been working long hours a wise move. . . got it down as quickly as possible. and slightly sweet. Perhaps the With the second cup of tea, the sweetness of one of them would help at the drawing board all week. Fri- world came back on an even keel. kill the unreasoned craving for a day, he tumbled into bed early in Then his chow mein arrived. drink. the evening, to wake up at about The foggy .headache persisted. Ray cracked open the first cookie nine PM. He was hungry and felt Maybe an after-dinner cordial would ‘and drew out the strip of green ragged around the edges. You know cure that. Creme de cacao, or may- paper with its printed “fortune.” the feeling -eyes a bit gritty, a dull be a B and B. That didn’t make any Here is what it said: “Sit tight; you headache, and a mouth full of ing, and Ray knew the specific pre- sense either -not even when the may do worse by changing your powadded cotton. Ray splashed some scription to cure it. A drin’k before waiter offered him ,a cordial on the sition.” And as if that were not cold water over his face, put on the dinner. A cold, sharp highball house. Ray had never gone in for enough of an AA message for somefirst necktie his hand reached be- (“Easy on the water, waiter”). For after-dinner liqueurs, any more than one who had accepted the First hind the closet door, punched his no definable reason, Ray. fancied a he had for bourbon. But it was up- Step, the message in the second way into a jacket, and went out for bourbon highball. That didn’t make setting to have it offered, and the cookie read: “There’s many a slip dinner. There is a Chinese res- any sense; he had never been a thought of it persisted even after he ‘twixt the cup and the lip.” taurant close to Ray’s apartment, bourbon drinker unless that was the refused the drink and ordered for- The desire for a drink disapand he headed there. A light chow only liquor available. But it did tune cookies for dessert. peared as rapidly and mysteriously mein dinner was just what he taste good -that is, he could taste The two crisp pastry volutes with as it had first appeared. Fate? Coinwanted. the juice just by thinking about it. their hidden messages arrived as cidence? A Higher Power? You The cotton-in-the-mouth feeling With an effort, Ray shooed the Ray was sipping his umpteenth cup decide. hung on. It was an old familiar feel- idea out of his mind and poured a of tea. Did he want one or not? Oh Anonymous

April 1968

ludicrous animal that crawls up out It was dependent on mc in only one of the slime and, at least for a time, area, in that I had to drink to bring becomes Al W. We are all mixtures it to life and into expression. No of good and evil, but this second problem. I was addicted to alcohol. personality of mine is more evil than I lived for it. For the whole first .good when in full alcoholic bloom. part of my life I honestly felt that I F r o m t h e t h o u g h t s t h a t went. couldn’t live without it. So my Mr: through my head recently (that I Hyde had a very active life of his can remember) and from the ac- own, and with every breath he took, tions which, other people kindly my self-respcct as Dr. Jekyll went filled in for me later, I realize that down another notch. The insane this “thing” was actually capable of part of it was that I knew what was almost anything. happening all the time. The more I ‘

Hyde The contention that one doesn’t do anything while intoxicated or hated Mr. Hyde for what he represented and what he did to me, the

w E ALCOHOLICS are, I think, double-personality people one person sober and an entirely different one loaded. This thought is hypnotized that is against one’s sober or conscious moral standards was proved wrong in my case – it was blown out of the water. I more often I brought him to life. I’m no scientist and I’m not trying to be scientific about all this. It’s just that, with a little insight very much on my mind because I proved that I did do things I would dropped in my lap the hard way, I resurrected this second personality never do sober. I never drive by a can (at least to my satisfaction) in myself when I recently strayed prison or a jail without experiencing piece together the repeated falls and off the AA reservation. a wave of gratitude that I’m not final resurrection of an Alcoholic This time, for pernaps the first incarcerated in it. For among the Named Al. time, I could separate the two per- criminals in any prison are a num- In the first three months of my The boozer sonalities. In pre-AA days the two ber of alcoholics (like you and me) exposure to this program, I buried were so frequently blended and in- whose Mr. Hyde personality trapped this entirely phony second self. Jt in us is still there, termingled that I accepted both as them. Mr. Hyde always leaves the sickened from malnutrition and making up the person, the whole tab for the real me to pick up, and died – I thought. A long time later, but put to sleep me. As a consequence I despised the size of the bill progresses with I found Mark Twain was right: The myself, though I did realize vaguely the progression of this disease. report of its death was greatly exagby A A . This that the things I hated most came In my early days of overindul- gerated. With one drink of beer, I out only while I was drinking. Now ‘ gence, alcohol merely changed some literally reached down into the botmember woke up I know better. aspects of the sober me, aspects I tom of my mind, where all the gar- The alcoholic personality, this wanted changed. But at one point, bage is, and stirred to life this Mr. Hyde to my Dr. Jekyll, is not and I remember it well, I went com- decaying corpse. This is one of the his Mr. Hyde me at all. It is a diseased product of pletely over the line into acute alco- reasons why there is no cure for , a temporarily deranged ego and em- holism. And this second self, my this disease we share: The “drinker” with a single beer bodies all the unattractive thoughts, Mr. Hyde, became an entity unto never dies until we do. I guarantee, ideas, and character defects I have itself, with practically no resem- however, that AA will put it to at the bottom of my mind. It is a blance whatever to the real person. sleep, and that is all we should ask.

It’s all 1 wanted to know once, and lookcd fine-old A], swinging again I believe – more than ever now – at last! It was only thc next day that it’s all I need to know from here on I saw it in perspective, at least up to out. the point where memory blessedly My recent relapse, I understand stopped. now, was a direct result of question- I was given a second look at what ing and wishfully disagreeing with the disease had wrought. That look part of a program my better self destroyed for all time the reservaknew was created by alcoholics with tion I guess I had retained all along: divine guidance. They devised AA that sometime, under controlled and offered help to fellow alcoholics conditions, alcohol plus me could who were sick of the complete de- equal fun once more. The.realizapendence that is addiction – sick of tion that rocks me even now is the unbelievable physical and mental literally God-forsaken chance I took pain, sick of causing pain to others, on dying before my time, for that sick of being so much less than they second look! rcally are. The real difference be- There ,was only one place I tween a drunk and an alcoholic is wanted to go as I waitcd in a jail not, as the comedians like to quip, cell for the court to convene. I that the latter has to go to all those wanted to go where the real action . damn meetings. It is hope and the was – action on a very different inward knowing that our Mr. Hydes plane, action not only seen but exare not the people we were meant to perienced, the human being in gentle be. and positive communion with the If there is any one motive com- absolute Power. I wanted to go mon to all humanity, it is the search where I had first found God and at for happiness. It is this state of the same time found myself. Like a being that we all hoped to find at small child who has stumbled over the bottom of the glass. Not finding his own stupidity and hurt himself it (except occasionally when the very badly, I wanted to go to the disease was young), we keep going only place I knew where even this from glass to glass until we are lapse would be understood. Not exfinally two people. cused, but understood. I was permitted a second look at I wanted to go back to AA. And my alcoholic personality. I saw it I did! reflected in bar mirrors and it A. J. W., Blue Springs, Mo.

J u l y 1968

From Bay Pines, Fla.: [Before my one-month slip] I had ( 1 ) nursed a sense of monotony; (2) turned to books of philosophy and mental hygiene – man’s know-how rather than God’s howto – and (3) failed to be thorough with Steps Three through Eleven; (4) failed to grasp the truth that “there is One who has all power.” I say now in prayer, “Please remove my worst things first” (Step Six). . . . W. K.

May 1969

Three slips, three reasons From Morrisville, Vt.: In 1968, within my realm of acquaintances, one man of twenty years’ sobriety has gone, back to drinking; another, with twenty-two years’ sobriety, drank and is trying AA again, but is still having trouble; a third, with over twenty-three years’ sobriety, got onto tranquilizeis and then booze. He went nuts and has, after many weeks, just got out of the loony bin, but no AA yet. Every one of these guys got away from ( 1) carrying the message, (2) meetings, and (3) associating with AAs, even outside meetings. Two of them, I know, were for some years the big wheels in area doings. If they didn’t have everyone following them, they were very critical of the few who didn’t. I rounded out sixteen years of sobriety on February 7, 1969, and it’s the foregoing happenings that keep me in AA at the simple, personal level. To me, the most important part of the Twelve Steps is “. . . practice these principles in all our affairs.” That is why-to me-AA is a means to an end, and not an end in itself. A. P. Q.

June 1969

No skipping, no slipping? From Toronto, Ont.: As the wife of an alcoholic, may I make a suggestion to all groups? Read all of Chapter Five of the Big -. Book at meetings. My husband was an active member of AA for seven years, but has had seven relapses in the past year. He still attends meetings (not enough, in my opinion), but can’t seem to get back to AA thinking. Very rarely do we hear all of Chapter Five, but it really hits home in this situation and is well worth the extra two minutes of time.

The Grapevine is a wonderful magazine and you are to be congratulated. Keep up the good work. ANONYMOUS ,–

Nove

Anatomy of a Slip

Things might have been different if I had said the exact words I wished said to me

T is PROBABLE that I had been un- begged for an excuse to go out. 1 meeting list in my pocket. There It was a young member of our . I consciously planning the drunk decided to take the subway to Times long before it started. There was a Square and see a movie. It was a were twenty meetings within subway group, a frequent slipper like me’ distance and five that I could walk (and also called Jimmy), standing temporary job as a warehouse leader good show, something to do with to. It was still early in the evening. by the curb, his back to me. I walked to get through, with a layoff and two gangsters and gun molls, but it left But 1 told myself that I did not.want up to him, he turned towards me, weeks’ pay expected at its end. Ideal me unsatisfied, on edge. I walked to go to a meeting alone. and I saw that he was drunk. He conditions: idleness, money, bad out to 42nd Street afterwards, know- Then, as I walked along the chilly, was dirty, unshaven, dressed in rough hck. The layoff came on a Friday. ing there was nowhere else I wanted neon-lit streets, I begin to pray. I work clothes and heavy work shoes. I did not head for the nearest bar. I to go now but to a bar. prayed that I would meet someone His drunk was not a fresh one; .he went home as usual, gave part of my A part of me did not want to sur- from AA. Someone who would take had the tired, self-disgusted look salary to my mother, then relaxed render my few months of sobriety me in hand and say, “Come on, Jim- which sometimes precedes sobriety and watched television. There was a in AA too easily. I thought of call- my. Let’s go to a meeting.” I walked and other times leads to a deeper meeting of my group scheduled for ing someone in my group. Then I along Broadway, through the inces- desire for drunken stupor. He could that night, but I told myself that I convinced myself that it would be a sant crowds, and I studied each face at this moment have gone either was too tired to go. The beer com- wasted effort. In turn, I thought of that I passed. I reached Duffy . way. mercials looked good; the evening each member that I could call. I Square, crossed over, walked east a For a second, his face showed took on a glow of anticipation. imagined what their words of advice block, and started down Sixth Ave- surprise and pleasure at seeing me: The following afternoon was one would be, and I felt that their words nue, still praying to meet someone. Then he must have grasped the look’ of those clear, mild winter days that alone would not stop me. I had a Then I saw him. in my eyes. We stood next t o i b c h

other, practically strangers. He said, went into a bar. his voice clear in spite of the fact That drunk lasted for a long time. that his body swayed, “I was hoping Prison interrupted it. It was a while I’d meet someone.” afterward that I read, in the fore- I knew what he meant. I ignored word of a book, a saying by the the plea in his words. I felt uncom- French philosopher Pascal: “divine fortable, as if the people who passed grace, external circumstances, hardwere staring at us. I thought of him ening of the heart.” It took me some sitting next to me at a meeting. Rid- time-to understand its meaning, but ing the subway beside me. I did not now I do. God had answered my want him along. I wanted to get prayer. But I had seen only the away from him. outer form of His answer. I had I took a dollar bill from my pock- closed my heart. et. “You’d better go home, Jimmy.” I can’t help thinking how differ- His eyes questioned me as he took ent things might have been if I had the money. “I .have to go some said the exact words I wished said place,” I explained lamely. “I don’t to me: “Come on, Jimmy. Let’s go have much time.” to a meeting.” I was angry as I walked away. By taking him to a meeting, I This was how my prayers were an- would have taken myself. And my swered! God was playing jokes on prayer, in its entirety, would have me! Giving stones for bread. I been answered. If I had not hardlooked behind me to make sure Jim- ened my heart. my was not watching me. Then I Jim McL., Goshen, N.Y.

June 1971

Principles and Personalities Keep your eye on the deliberation, I understand the meaning of “principles before personaliprinciple and don’t ties.” My friend’s misfortune has let the personality helped me gain greater insight into the AA philosophy, I hope. bug you I must never again allow personalities to play so large a role in my

M Y N A M E is Joe C. I have been sober four years now, and thc last three have been happy years, sobriety. Sober AAs are the finest people in the world, in my opinion. The though the first was miserable. I fellowship, friendships, and acquaintnever want to live through that year ances are a tremendous benefit to again, and, if I don’t pick up that our program – but they are not first ‘drink, I won’t have to. enough! There are many times when Recently, an AA friend of nine we are on our own, with no AAs to got drunk. I was crushed! He had talk with, and this is the time that ‘.been sober for two years. I liked we must draw on AA principles and him. We were friends. I had a lot of teachings. People can err;, time-testfaith in him. Too much! I took his ed principles cannot. slip personally. It really bothered I must learn that any of us can, me. He came back to the meetings and some probably always will, fall after the drunk, but his attitude had by the wayside, and that I must not changed. We spoke together after be shaken by these slips. It will not the meetings, but it wasn’t the same. be easy, but if I continue to realize My feelings were deeply hurt. I that my sobriety is “a daily reprieve” got mad at him for letting me down. contingent on my spiritual growth I didn’t for one minute consider his (as the Big Book says), that AA feelings his guilt, remorse, heart- principles must continually be worksickness. I thought not of his wife, ed on, and that I must remember children, or father. I dwelled only to put Joe second, then and only on my own hurt. What self-centered- then can I replace my egotism with ness and ego! compassion and understanding. Since that time and after much J. C., Enfield, Conn.

J u l y 1971 was not trying to hurt nie. She really does have my bcst interests at heart,” J told myself over and over. “Oh, really?” 1 answered myself. “Well, even so, she can’t go around calling my head stupid!” There 1 was, back where I’d started from. How often I’d said, “No one can rnuke us mad if we don’t let him.” Could I prove that for once? I began trying, with six good aids. The Serenity Prayer: “This, by golly,” I decided, “is something I She couldn’t afford can change if I have the courage to to lose her temper – do it.” Bill’s words on anger (as my sponand she has the slips to prove it sor had quoted them to me some sixteen months carlier) : “We have found that even justified anger ought to or left to those better qualified to Some of us are just slow learners, I I HAVE JUST COMPLETED a 24-hour period which is one of the most important I’ve ,experienced in my guess. To understand what a turning love. She has been of very great serv- handle it.” I found some strength and ice to me ever since I’ve been around help in thinking about those words the program, and she is the greatest and about the times I had tried to search for recuperation in AA. It point this is for me, you must under- .A]-Anon worker I know. Yet, in one pound that piece of wisdom into the isn’t a birthday nor any other kind of stand that I am famous for my vi- day, she made a remark about my heads of other women like me. But anniversary, nor have I resisted yet olent temper. My rages are bad “stupid head”; ridiculed a fellow fe- then I’d remember hearing the womanother compulsion to take a drink. enough for any and all who are ex- male AA member to mutual friends, an who had “insulted” me saying, During the past 24 hours, I have posed to them; but for me they are in my presence; and referred to a “Humility does not mean being a quite simply taken a giant step to- pure hell, as close to a drunk as I couple of my children as “sneaky doormat.” Wasn’t I being a doormat ward humility, fot me, and have can get without alcohol. For many a little so-and-sos.” Don’t tell me I by taking such “insults” without even moved noticeably closer to the kind year, I made no attempt at any time didn’t have the right to tell her off, registering a protest? At the same of AA love I want to exhibit and to to control my temper, most certainly to blow my top. What a struggle! time, could I protest without loosing feel. For the first time in the eleven not when I was “right.” I had a What a fight! Who would win? – the monster? I knew darn well I months since I took my last drink – couple of other slips in the six that demon of anger, or the AA pro- couldn’t! eleven months of daily AA meetings, months preceding that last dilly gram, which has saved my life? Who “Just for toduy”: “I will not show eleven months of studying the AA eleven months ago, and both were would come out on top? – a sober anyone that my feelings are hurt,” I program and struggling to practice the direct results of temperamental Joan or the monster within me? said to myself. “They may be hurt, it – I have managed to hold out outbursts. I tried “cooling” methods which but today I will not show it.” That against “justifiable” anger, some- In the space of 24 hours, I found sometimes work. “She didn’t mean helped. Surely, since I had put off so thing I can no longer afford, as I three reasons to be “justifiably” an- it. She didn’t realize how it sounded. many drinks, I could put off a temper have been told time and time again. gry with a woman whom I dearly She was not being malicious. She tantrum, “just for today.”

Live and Let Live: Could I man- coffee after the meeting. We chatted age that for once in my life, when it and laughed together like the good was my ego that was being kicked friends we are, and suddenly I knew around? that all my resentment was gone and The new member: Did I dare show ‘a valuable relationship had been her, at her fourth meeting, anything preserved. other than the image of the happy I came home with the greatest sobriety 1 wanted so badly for her? feeling of satisfaction I’ve known in Or could I skip the meeting tonight, some time. I have won a great vic- ,. when she was counting on my being tory for me, and the next time I have there? No. My troubles would have to do battle for the same cause, it to wait at least until after the meet- will be easier because of my struggle ing, and I would just have to “act as in the past 24 hours. This is the if” for her, if I wasn’t willing to do message I want to carry right now to it for myself. all those who have terrible tempers Prayer (as suggested in the Sev- like mine. We can do it. We can enth Step) : Hadn’t I desperately and fight anger and hold it off till it resincerely asked Him to remove this treats. We can get the better of this shortcoming after my last drunk? monster which, in my own case at But was I really doing my part? least, is almost as dangerous as the I don’t know what it was that first drink! And we can find a great worked – a little hit of everything, deal of satisfaction and inner peace maybe. After the meeting last night, and security in doing so. I suddenly didn’t have to think about I cannot tell my friend about the it any more. I wasn’t angry, didn’t part she played in today’s victory. feel like being angry, and didn’t even Even if she believed that I was sinhave to worry any more about cere in my gratitude, she wouldn’t be whether or not I should be angry. very flattered, would she? But I am The crisis had passed; the monster grateful to her, and I know we’ll within me was still in check. The continue working together, each in friend who “didn’t mean it” – and our own way, with friendship and I am now convinced she truly did love, for the well-being of AA. not – invited me to her house for I . G., Bogota’, Colombia

July 1 9 7 1

The Cage

From T HE CAGE is clearly marked with one big word sprawled over the front. It stands in the middle of the town square for all to see. Children the yea?* hurl garbage at it all day. The occupant moans a bit from time to time. She scratches her head and 1990 squints out at the children. Once in a while, they bring her a can of beer or a bottle of cheap wine. comes a “DRUNKARD,” says the label on the cage. It is the town’s drunk ;is Alice. Years and years ago, in the ing in an institution. Coming out. h o r ~ o rstory cage. Every time Alice gets bombed, dark ages when people were dumb Getting a sponsor. Attending meetthe townspeople shove her into it and lock the door. enough to believe in all that AA ings, meetings, and then some more for our She tries not to hate the children. I nonsense. meetings. Pert Alice was sober, busy, “After all, they’re only kids,” she “Well, I fixed all that – but apple-cheeked. She was speaking at thinks. “I shouldn’t have a resent- good,” Alice mutters to herself. meetings all over the place. She time ment against them. Resentment! That victorious feat long ago is sponsored people herself. She helped Why did I use that word? Here I am Alice’s fondest memory. Even here start groups. On and on the sobriety in 1990, still using those stupid old in the town drunk cage, she derives went, until Alice felt as if she were a AA words. Hey kid,” she calls, “get great pleasure from her memories. truly outstanding AA member. One me a beer, puhlease!” She nibbles on her beer can and night at a closed meeting, one of The hollow-eyed youngster Alice reminisces as overripe tomatoes Alice’s newcomers threw a particuis pleading with rushes to bring back splatter around her. larly flowery verbal bouquet at her. a can of beer. She knows him. His She thinks of how she began in Alice just smiled enigmatically, but father, who is roaring drunk at home, AA in the unenlightened days of the her thoughts soared. “At last, I’m used to belong to the same AA group early 1970’s. Going to an AA meet- getting recognition. I am . . . well . . .

f* sort of a star!”

. , Then her group began asking her to hold other jobs. “It’ll be good for She had led the fight to smash AA ‘s stupid anonymitv Tradition. your sobriety, Alice,” they said. I have something to learn!” Who won the first election? Who their phone service canceled, and “These people at the intergroup of- But a star is not that easily de- else? Alice became the first AA of tinally they all shut down. AA was fice are great.” feated. Before the next assembly. the Year. She was known wherever truly decentralized. “Why not?” thought Alice. “I cer- Alice sought out a few friends, a she went. Some time in the seventies, But Alice was still hopping mad. tainly have something to offer. I’ve handful of good loud talkers who she was the main speaker at AA’s It seemed that, no matter where she come so far so fast. 1’11 be happy to agreed with her. There were 300 first televised world conference, and went to speak, nobody showed up to go over and give them advice.” GSRs at the meeting. Ten of them she was happy to the core. She had listen. In fact, no group would be So she went confidently to inter- were friends of hers, allies, people led the fight to smash AA’s stupid there when she arrived. Already group. the central office for all the who were not at all afraid to talk up. anonymity Tradition. Now she had decentralized, AA became disorga- AA groups in the area. She didn’t to scream if necessary. the world for an audience! nized. Groups closed by the thoulike it at all! Why, those people knew At that assembly, she reintro- Alice stepped before the cameras sands. The new slogan was “Stay absolutely nothing about answering duced her motion. The chairman let and mikes. She smiled and bowed sober on your own.” phones or handling requests for in- his exasperation show. “Not again, graciously. Then she said, “Before One day in 1985, Alice had a slip. formation. They were actually help- Alice!” I talk to you civilians about what’s Why not? Everyone was doing it, ing people set up new groups all With that, one of her friends wrong with your lives, here’s a word going back to the old days. With a wrong. leaped to his feet. “Let her speak! for AA menibers from Alice, the bad case of delirium tremens, Alice “What idiots,” thought Alice. “1’11 Don’t nluzzle her. Let the group con- alcoholic. I move that we decentral- called il friend she thought might still try General Service work. Surely, science be heard, you bleeding dea- ize! Now that we aren’t anonymous be sober. The friend wasn’t. Alice they’ll listen to my ideas.” So she let con!” any more, everyone can open up his had nobody else to call. There was her group know that she’d like to be Alice’s nine other friends jumped own AA oflice right in his home. nobody left, nobody sober. They their General Service Representative. up, shouting. The chairman was Close all intergroups and central of- wcrc nil drunk, and they didn’t care At her first area assembly, she visibly unnerved. It seemed to him fices. They don’t know what they’re or couldn’t. really shone. True star that she was, that Alice’s opinion must be popular, doing, anyhow. Get rid of the assern- The world’s attitude toward drunks she stood right up, eyes ablaze,’and because the other GSRs sat in silence. blies and all the General Service has become stern and inflexible since gave all the other GSRs the benefit Actually, they were stunned, afraid 7 AA passed away. So here is Alice, nonsense. They wouldn’t know a of her brilliant thinking. “I move to talk, to be controversial. They felt great new idea if they fell over one. sitting in the drunkard’s cage, telling that we run a contest to determine that they had to stay out of fights to AA was never meant to be orga- herself, “I might have had’this slip the AA of the Year. Then run her – stay sober. It appeared that the be- 7 nized. Let’s change it all!” anyway. Those creeps in AA deor his – picture on the cover of the fuddled chairman had no support at Alice spoke for an hour. An served what 1 gave them. I was right! Grapevine, with her life story in- all. epidemic of AA quarreling followed, Me, Alice, the alcoholic star.” side.” Alice screamed for a vote. as resentments built up. Alice had Disnially, she throws her last beer Not a soul applauded. Alice was “All those in favor raise your freely expressed hers – why can through the bars of her cage. She deeply hurt. She hated the nlealy- hands!” called the chairman. shouldn’t everybody else? AA offices spies her little friend with the mouthed way they tried to placate Eleven were in favor. all over the world began closing. The drunken father. All the other chilher after the meeting with hints that “All those opposed?” he said. Grapevine stopped publishing. The dren are home in bed by now. her zeal might perhaps be misguided. Not one hand was raised. The General Service Ofice closed for “Hey kid,” she calls out. “Steal a “What gall!” she said to herself on other 289 GSKs stayed out of it. Un- lack of support. With no money corn- drink for a star, willya? Puhlease?” , the way home. “They actually think committed. Safe. ing in from groups, intergroups had E. S., Brooklyn, N.Y.

July 1971

And They Waited.. .

told to stop drinking, I refused to see sobriety as the answer. I A M A RECOVERED alcoholic. Eleven years ago, I had my last drink, thanks to AA. It had taken those patient, everforgiving, and often caustic people about four years to get When 1 heard the Slogans, they came through as kindergarten psychology. When I listened to the stories of others, I agreed through to me. that they were alcoholics and that they were in the right place I had as much humility as a dictator. I used defenses like for them. they were going out of style. I could make the Serenity Prayer S o . . . in and out, in and out, sober and drunk, drunk and’ seem the most controversial piece of philosophy ever written. sober. The smarts were working just fine. I lost the job, the I was an intellectual snob who tore the program to pieces. family, and last, but not least, my human dignity. Was this . And they waited. Yes, they had watched and heard guys like happening to me? Could a smart guy let himself get caught me before. While most of the group went on trying to help, in this self-destructive bind? I had never given a thought to I’m sure they were disgusted and disheartened. They trucked my emotional immaturity. To me, maturity had meant acthe body back and forth to drying-out places, and my sponsor complishing and getting ahead in this world, and by God I hung on. Somehow, some way, I got the program -because had done that! But there 1 was. Everything I had depended AA can wait “and not be tired by waiting,” as Kipling said on to prove my stability was gone. At this point, I knew I had in his poem “If.” to stop drinking. But I didn’t need AA! Die-hard? You had I considered myself a pretty smart and able person. It better believe it! should have been obvious, from the progression of my drink- But they waited and they waited and they waited, and they ing, that something emotional was short-circuiting my smarts; were not tired by waiting. but I could not recognize the emotional factor. When I was J . H., Meriden, Conn.

September 1971

forgetting that we can’t manage our lives, not from forgetting that we are powerless over alcohol. We feel “From the last part of :he First Step fat and sassy in our sobriety and start making the decisions again. to the end of the Twelfth, they are all about For me, the three most important principles of the Twelve Steps are: my life and its unmanageability.” 1. My life is unmanageable. 2. Pray only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry it out. Big Book o r t h e “Twelve and I GOT DRUNK after fourteen years’ sobriety because I stopped going to AA, stopped talking with AAs, Twelve.” If they didn’t appear in either book, I rejected them. I half of the First Step. I had no problem in remembering I was powerless my affairs. over alcohol. But I kept forgetting 3. Practice these principles in all

I don’t wake up in the morning and failed to practice the AA prin- wanted nothing but pure, hard- my life was unmanageable. and pray not to take a drink today. ciples in my daily life. After a year nosed, unadulterated AA. Today, for me, this is the core of Nor do the Steps tell me to do so. away from the program, I inadver- 1 was stunned to discover that the program. I think I’m correct to I refuse to live in such a negative tently took a drink. 1 had not planned almost seventy-five percent of the a good degree because, after the first way. I will not base my life on a to. After the first swallow, I thought, things 1 had thought were AA prin- half of the First Step, we hear noth- series of don’ts and must-nots. I “What the hell, I’ve had a swallow ciples and ways, things I had mouth- ing more in the Twelve Steps about want a positive approach. I’ll pray – I might as well finish it.” A year ed a million times in the old days, alcohol in relation to ourselves. From to be able to carry out1 His will, relater, I was an animal. were not in the books, were not a the last part of the First Step to the membering that my life is unman- When I returned to AA, I spent true part of basic AA. I realized end of the Twelfth, they are all about ageable. If I live this way, practicing three months without opening my that much of my previous knowledge my life and its unmanageability. The the principles, I’m never in any danmouth at meetings other than to say, had been learned at second, third, Steps teach me how to reorder my ger of taking a drink. “My name is Gail and I’m an alco- fourth, and hundredth hand. I had life, appoint a new Manager, then The way back has been tougher holic.” I studied the program. I still gotten my basic AA by word of make every effort to learn what the than I can ever describe. Rememdo. Intensively. That means the true mouth, nlit by diligent study of the new Manager wants, and carry it out. ber, I was past fifty years old and (for me) AA book, Twelve Steps Steps. Like all things that come by I have a living problem, not a drink- had to climb out of the gutter, and Twelve Traditions. word of mouth, my old precepts had ing problem. I don’t drink. But it can be done. I’m doing it. Everything I remembered from included unintentional distortion, Before I could ever take another Why, I don’t know- except that my fourteen years of sobriety, I personal bias, individual beliefs, etc., first drink, I would have to reach God decided this was right for me, pushed out of my mind. This time, all mixed up with the real AA prin- the point where I believed my life and He has given me the power to 1 questioned every Slogan, saying, ciples I was trying to practice. was o n c e a g a i n m a n a g e a b l e – carry out His will. That’s enough for phrase, and statement I heard. I The most important thing I learn- hence, I could manage a drink. I me. checked them back with either the ed was that I had neglected the last now believe most slips come from G . C., Miami, Flu.

October 1971

The the overs Came

T H E TWO burly moving men stared at my big, ebony Steinway grand, shaking their heads. I This move was to be stared at them in mute panic. 1 was certain that I had explained to well organized them, on the phone a week before, that I had this piano and that it even to the was on the second floor, to be moved to a ground-floor apartment half-gallon jug in another neighborhood. Or had I? to nip on Certainly, at least I’d called them, or they wouldn’t be here. Their while packing jackets were stalnpcd with the name of the firm I’d engaged specifically because their ad in the Yellow Pages cmphasizcd piano moving. a family treasure, rather than its ment and then nodded reluctantly. never drink again. I went to meet- But now they were talking as owner. “But we’ll have to get another man. ings enthusiastically, bought the Big though they had not known it was “Don’t see how it can be done,” If you want us to try it. Only I don’t Book and the “Twelve and Twelve,” a grand and on a second floor – as the bearded mover said. guarantee nothin’.” and read them greedily. In six though they were about to walk out “The legs come off,” I cried. 1 authorized them to do anything weeks, I went through the first eight on the job. And this was June 30, “And the pedals, and then you take they had to do, and then stood in Steps! 1 was really going to get the ‘the day I had to be out of this the keyboard . . .” the moving-day shambles of my program fast! apartment and into my new one. The bearded man nodded. “Only, apartment, fighting hysteria. Soon, I felt so well that I started My teen-aged son and his friends how to get the rest of it around the I was on my second slip in four- intensive graduate study in my field. were taking out thc cartons and turn of that landing is what I can’t teen months of AA (or what might After the first few weeks of school, lighter furniture, which they were see,” he said. better be called my impression of I realized that I would have to cufmoving for me. But the piano had “They got it up here four years AA). About a year earlier, I had tail my other activities. I cut out my to be moved by professionals. I had ago!” I pleaded. spent two weeks in the hospital, the social life completely, planning to inherited it from my mother. Be- The two men exchanged glances. first few days strapped down in a rely on my church choir and AA cause it was so closely identified and the redheaded one muttered, closed ward. After those two weeks, for nonacademic interests. I wasn’t with her and her brilliant playing, I “If they got it up here. . .” having bounced back physically, I sure that I could continue both . . . had always felt like the custodian of The bearded one thought a mo- had gonc to AA, knowing 1 should and I made an insane decision.

4 . i I told niyself that church would keep up my spiritual life and school would keep me too busy to drink, * ‘Y cannot remember taking a single drink that day, except for the first o n e . . . 99

so I would go to church and choir I sorted and packed, 1 do not know. was standing in front of me, angry moving men coming with the piano, practice regularly and attend AA I’d always drunk my way through and bewildered, asking, “How did though I have vivid recall of my inmeetings whenever I could. The moving, so, as casually as I’d have I you get here, Mama? Tell me, how ability to find my checkbook to pay choir really needed me! Nine months bought a magazine, I bought some I did you get here?” them and of their rough anger. I later, under the pressure of a long, sherry. I nipped at it throughout the I I thought he was asking what remember odd snatches of confused difficult academic project, 1 began days and nights of packing, and 1 route I’d taken, and I couldn’t re- activity: making my bed and my to drink, and 1 landed in the hos- have little memory of those few I member. So 1 said nothing. (I son’s, watching in hopeless terror as pital again the day after I success- weeks. My disease had progressed learned later that he was the one the living room filled with boxes fully completed the project. to such a point that I had instant, who had unhooked the wire in my and cartons, piled even on the I Again. I recovered physically, but walking-talking blackouts, during engine, to keep me from driving couch and chairs, so that there was I was still insane. When I came out which I apparently phoned people, while I was so drunk.) no room to sit down. of the hospital, I continued the arranged schedules, made plans, Then my son and his friends were Finally, I fled to my bedroom, same crazy pattern. I went to school and drove my car all over town. bringing in cartons of books and staying there while my son and his and church and choir practice reg- Now the actual moving day had dishes, piling them anywhere so friends brought over the last Ioads ularly – and to AA when I could arrived. After the unnerving en- that they could hurry back for an- and went out for a late dinner, stayfit it in. 1 didn’t drink, and I finished counter with the piano movers, I other load. I don’t remember their ing there through the whole horrible the school year successfully. The knew I had to get out of there, get leaving, but they must have been night of nausea and pain and halluevening after my last final, I went to my new place. I recall gathering gone when I answered the newly cinations, alternating with truly desto an AA meeting. It felt very good, up a few things to take with me – installed telephone. It was my perate prayers to God, promises and 1 told myself that I’d start at- my typewriter, my school satchel, former landlady telling me that I that if He got me through this night, tending regularly. . . as soon as I my purse. Then 1 recall sitting in had not turned in my keys and ask- 1 would never take another drink. had moved. my car, which wouldn’t start. I have ing me please to do so at once, I knew at the time that I must have This move was going to be well no memory of going back into the because I had no legal right to them been drinking, but perhaps the most organized! For once, I would be apartment and phoning the auto now. frightening thing, both then and ruthless in discarding useless things. club, but I do remember sitting in I don’t remember driving back to now, was that I cannot remember Anything I’d not used during the my car, while an auto-club man , the old building. I do remember the act o f taking a single drink dur- I past year would go. It would be checked under the hood. He glanced sitting in my landlady’s living room, ing that day, except for the first one, rough giving away some of the huge at me a little strangely and said, consoling her because she felt ill. I eurly in the morning. casseroles and trays that had been “Looks as though somebody pulled recall greeting neighbors by the I found the nearly empty half- I part of big-family life, but it was out a wire. Nothing else wrong.” I pool; they commiserated with me gallon of red table wine the next I time to face facts: 1 was now and signed the slip, thanked him, turned because I’d had to come back on morning when, after perhaps an 1 probably would remain a divorcde, on the ignition, and heard the com- moving day just to hand in the keys. hour of sleep, I rose at six. 1 was with one teen-aged child, and I forting roar of the engine. 1 don’t remember driving back to very sick, very weak, but I tottered should adjust my life accordingly. Then I was in my new apart- the new place, but I do remember out to the trash can and dumped Face facts. But I forgot the most ment; I remember nothing of the starting to unpack and put away the bottle. Then I went in and manimportant fact: I was an alcoholic. drive to it nor of what I did when dishes. I know that my son and his aged to clear a space on the couch Just when it occurred to me to I first got there. 1 don’t know how friends came with more cartons and to sit. And think. buy a bottle of wine to drink while long I’d been there when my son furniture, but 1 don’t recall the My hands were shaking so that I

could barely light a cigarette. I felt I went over the shelves and boxes was determined not to go to the One couple, V. and B., took me worse, far worse, than I had on again. I looked in my suitcase, in hospital, knowing that, except for over, not only by talking to me daily either of my trips to the hospital. boxes of linens and china, in my car. sedatives and tranquilizers, which I from then on and getting me to Aware of ,what I must have done in I felt utter and complete despair.’ did not want (they make with- meetings every night until I could those past weeks, but without mem- At least, though, I had the drawal too easy), I could do every- drive again, but by being the exory of it, I shook even more, think- “Twelve and Twelve.” I took it over thing necessary for myself. The amples of what all AAs would like ing of what might have happened. to the couch and sat down to read central office had said that someone to be -people of genuine humility, With the nearest to genuine humility Step One. Yes, I affirmed silently, might come to see me in the after- loving-kindness, wisdom, tolerance, I had yet known, I thanked God for I am an alcoholic, and I am sitting noon, and that certainly someone and God-consciousness. I’m treprotecting others from the conse- here amid the evidence that I can- would be on the lookout for me at mendously grateful now, after quences of my insanity. not manage my own life. “Who the meeting that night. twenty-seven days of sobriety, to be 1 decided that I would spend the cares to admit complete defeat?” I No one came that afternoon, and able to identify myself as V.’s day reading the Big Book and ask read. And I cried out silently, “I do, it was better that way. I really protigee. my son to drive me to a meeting God. I surrender willingly. And I needed to stand still and hurt, to V. was always certain that I’d that night. I began to look for the thank Thee humbly for having kept read and meditate. I managed a find my Big Book, and in a few days Big Book in the dozen or so cartons me from physical disaster yesterday, sponge bath (I was too weak to try I did. It was in my school satchel, of books piled in the middle of the so that I an1 able to recognize and to shower) and swallowed some the one I’d taken with me on my floor. It was slow work; as I went accept my total spiritual disaster cottage cheese and fruit juice. My wild flight on moving day. I rememthrough each carton, I put the today. From this moment, I turn my son eagerly and happily drove me ber taking that satchel with me, but books on the shelves, and I was so life and my will over to Thee, with to the meeting. I had to walk in I have absolutely no memory of ‘ weak I had to sit down every ten all my weaknesses, my arrogance, holding on to walls and chairs, but putting the Big Book in it. I believe minutes or so. I had put away the my character defects, my shortcom- I made it and sat down with a feel- that God directed me to take it with books from several cartons before ings. Please, God, only give me ing of blessed relief. me, to forget where it was, and to I began to panic. The Big Book knowledge of Thy will for me and I don’t remember much of what search for it forlornly and desperwasn’t there, and I had unpacked the power to carry it out.” was said by the speakers, of course. ately, so that I would vividly feel my most of the books from the shelves It was a jumbled prayer, made But afterwards good people came to need for it and all it represents, and on which it had stood in the old up of fragments of the Steps I had me and offered help. Their warm, sense at last sure knowledge of His place. 1 found my “Twelve and once thought I had studied and loving concern shamed me to tears. will for me. Twelve,” which had always stood practiced. But I knew that God did R. C . K., Los Angeles, Calif. next to the Big Book, but not the not want a perfect prayer, only an Big Book itself. I began going fran- honest one, and that I had never tically through the remaining car- before prayed honestly, because 1 tons, not putting the books away had never before surrendered. Now now, just pawing through them, 1 kncw complete defeat and sursearching for what was now more render, and I wanted to start over. important to me than anything, far I called thc local AA central office. more important than the piano, to 1 spent the rest of the day conwhich I had given so much care tinuing my search for the Big Book, and concern. reading the “Twelve and Twelve,” But the Big Book wasn’t in any sweating, retching, shaking, and of the cartons. I couldn’t believe it. watching the hands of the clock. I

October n r

felt justified in my drinking. I know the AA way of life with an open now that the guy I hated most was mind, and it worked, even though . myself and that, deep down inside, I at first I had no hopes that it would. I Cannot Afford wanted to destroy him. I quit wondering which came first: After my first AA meeting, 1 the hen or the egg. With positive to Forget managed to lay off booze for a little over three months, but I had more thinking, I started believing in a higher power, which at first was AA i problems than before, and I hated I and now is God. This God is differmy wife even more. Self-pity, hate, ent from the one I pictured before fear, pride, and rationalizations far AA. I am sure He does not hate me Essence of AA beyond normal drove me back to and, furthermore, He’ll give me booze. I know why we refer to this what I need as long as I let Him as a “slip.” Slip you do! I figured choose it. that if there were a God, He hated As for my past behavior, I use it me and He made my life miserable as experience to help me get through I because I refused to believe in some- this present 24 hours. I cannot af-

F OUR YEARS ago, I was a patient that I, too, had a problem with in a military hospital, undergo- booze. ing psychiatric treatment because of I spent eleven months undergoing one I could not see. After four months of hell on earth, my fear became stronger than my pride, and I ford to forget the person I was; memory prevents me from drinking my first glass on many occasions. a nervous breakdown. In June 1966, electric- and insulin-shock treat- ‘ \ returned to AA for the simple rea- For today, I don’t wish I had my I I went to my first AA meeting, and, ments in that hospital. I was ad- son that I had reached my low bot- wife back, but I don’t hate her any although I could not possibly face mittcd in January and discharged in tom and these people were the only more. I found out, with the help of it, a very weak voice inside me kept November of the same year, with ones that would accept me as I was. my sponsor and my AA friends, telling me that I was an alcoholic. my original problem -booze. At The fellowship and love in AA, that my hate for her was hurting me Yet how could I be? -when I was the time of my discharge from the along with God’s grace (and I must more than it was her. certain that my wife and family were hospital, I also got one from the not forget my sincere willingness to AA gave me love of my God, myresponsible for my nervous break- Air Force, after almost thirteen change), have helped me to stay off self, and my fellow alcoholics. Just down. Had not the doctor himself years’ service. And to add to my booze until today. As tomorrow think! In the world that I used to told me that the right girl could worried mind, a separation from my, I does not belong to me, I try not to hate so much, I now have approxchange my life? wife came through, and I was forced worry about it. imately 500,000 friends! I think While in the hospital, I came in to find room and board with com- I started making progress in AA that by trying with an open mind I contact with a few patients who had plete strangers. ” t when I found the meaning of two shall learn to live a useful life and drinking problems. Believe me, I had tried to kill myself while in simple words: open mind. With the perhaps also be able to give back a those guys used to irritate me when the hospital, but lack of courage and help of my sponsor, I started to try little of what I got from AA. they’d talk about their alcoholic life fear of physical pain stopped me. I C. S., Beauharnois, Que. in the group-therapy sessions. My tried killing my wife, but I realize answer to them was: “Quit drinking today that it was my children I ‘ if you know booze is bad for you.” would have hurt most if I had suc- Today, 1 remember that I even ceeded. This hate for my wife and drank shaving lotion mixed with everyone around me drove me to ginger ale. Still, I could not see then drink. The way an alcoholic does, I

November 1971

‘The Cage’ inspires thought ‘ From Manhattan, N.Y.: er it is today, yesterday, or 1990. From Reidsville, Ga.: I have just read in the July issue These facts were pointed out to me I have just finished reading “The of the Grapevine one of the most on my last slip: Cage,” and I want to say that it was entertaining and, more important, 1. I am still an alcoholic -I can- the most terrifying story concerning enlightening articles of the Grape- not control my drinking. I am no AA that I have ever read! E. S. is vine since who knows when. I am longer responsible for what I do to be commended for his insight referring to “The Cage,” by E. S. once I start drinking. into what may happen if we do not of Brooklyn. 2. Alcoholism is a progressive dis- jealously guard our Twelfth Tradi- After having a slip and returning tion. to AA a much wiser person, I real- ease. I had two minutes of social drinking, and the rest was drunk None of us can ever be a star or ize that the very thing that brought put ourselves up on a pedestal. Our the girl into the cage also brought drinking and then in a short time a complete blackout. The next day, I feet stay on sand because of our afflicme to the bottle again. Like the per- woke up and wondered how I got tion. Some of our people are always son of the story, I was guilty of be- home and where I was the previous so busy “running” for Area Comcoming a “star,” in that the feeling night. mitteeman, General Service Repreof nine years’ sobriety entitled me to 3. In spite of my nearing “saint- sentative, or State Chairman, I often judge and to criticize the speakers hood” for nine years’ sobriety, I still wonder if they could make it as at closed meetings and open meet- need the AA program and cannot “plain” members. ings. I also became very critical of do it alone. There was really no need to place the newer members that ran the It might not be 1990, but as of Alice in a material cage. She was in meetings and in general kept the a cage of her own, a cage of misery group together. And the feeling that today I need to be refreshed in the matters of alcoholism and what it and alcoholism. Let us hope and :’Times have changed and nothing is pray that a situation such as that de-. the same any more” pervaded most means to me. I am sending in the subscription blank for the Grapevine picted in the story will never come of my thinking. to pass. This particular article started me and have no desire to end up in a I sincerely enjoy your publication to thinking that things are the same cage with the sign “Drunkard” sus- and hope to be able to read it for and will always be the same, wheth- pended above me. R. B. years to come. , R. R.

December 1971

my first call to AA the previous shots are required at frequent in- ~hristmas Joy December. But now a new illness tervals.) assailed me. I was sick of me! I Always, 1 had believed in a Higher Comes Home Again could not face me another day. “Some of us have tried to hold Power, but I had limited utilization of such a Power to the emergenon to our old ideas and the result cies in’my life. God was a kind of But she had to give in order to receive was nil until we let go absolutely,” ethereal bellhop, to be summoned it says in the Big Book of Alcoholics only when I (or my kids or my job Anonymous. I had tried to hold on or my prestige) was in jeopardy. It to the old*ideas that I could go to never occurred to me that great the same old bars, play at love the power might be available on a rou-

I T WAS A COLD, blustery night in a Northern Indiana city when I decided to have a drink with the “Fine,” I replied, removing gloves and scarf. Taking my coat, he continued his same old way, and keep alcoholic beverages in my home to serve the same old friends. Apparently, some tine, day-to-day basis and, further, just might be able to help me not take that first drink each day, if beau of the day. I had just returned inquiry. “Do you mean to tell me persons can do these things and stay only I would ask each day. home from attending my forty-sev- those people have convinced you sober. I cannot. This is not to suggest that I simply enth AA meeting since joining up that you can’t drink even one beer, There is another line in the’Big prayed myself out of a messed-up seventy-nine days earlier with the just to be sociable? That’s the most Book which says that we must have life into a rose-petals-along-the-way outfit which was to put an end to ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! AA friends. I would enter the meet- kind of existence. It ain’t thataway. my drinking problem. Anyone can drink one little harm- ing place as the chairman was The antitoxin of action must ac- It had been a good-enough meet- less beer!” reading the Preamble. I would be company all applications of spiritual ing. Someone had related a rather “Why, of course,” I agreed. halfway out the door when they said remedies to protect me from the grim story of a tour in the state “That’s the answer. Drink only one m men.” How could I build friend- reactivation of my illness. alcoholic ward and several arrests and no more. Tell you what 1’11 do ships with AA people? I must be comfortable. I have an . and had ended by saying, a bit lame- – I’ll split one with you,’ just to Naturally, I had a slip. It was extremely low threshold for pain, be ly, that the program would work, be sociable.” . . . (and is) the natural result for an it physical or emotional pain. And although he had to admit he had Ninety-seven days (and 600 bot- alcoholic who refuses to protect I learned many, many years ago that never done much about the Steps. tles of beer, seventy-nine pints of himself against his illness. And, I a few drinks eased the anguish of When I entered my kitchen, there liquor, countless Martinis, Gibsons, reiterate, I did have a slip, not a guilt, smoldering resentments, inde- I sat my beau (who just happened to etc.) later, I surrendered. I finally premeditated drunk -unless you finable fears, and loneliness. Milown a bar), sipping some of his gave up! It wasn’t because I was want to call five seconds “premedi- lions of people have learned this, better stock-in-trade. that sick from drinking. I had been tation.” and no valid explanation for my “How was the meeting?” he asked. physically sicker when I had made On a June night in 1961, ten min- strange compulsion to continue utes before closing time, I slunk into drinking, once I start (thus creatan AA meeting. That night, I made ing further pain), has yet been outa decision to experiment with the lined, to my knowledge. But a way . suggestions which have proved, for to allay our discomforts before they me, to be inoculation against the become unbearable has been clearly deadly illness with which I am af- outlined in a prescription called flicted -alcoholism. (Not a perma- the suggested Twelve Steps of renent inoculation, mind you. Booster covery.

No one could have been more oughly followed and coupled with repelled than I was at the suggested a daily spiritual program, have promethods to achieve this inner com- tected me against a deadly disease. fort that I must have if I am to live More than that, they have opened without chemicals. Tell someone all precious doors – a door to holy the things I had done wrong? In matrimony, a door to Al-Anon for exact detail? Unthinkable! Go to a loving husband, a door to Alateen , those I had harmed (family, friends, for a good, well-adjusted daughter, bosses) and humbly ask their for- and that priceless door to friends giveness? Pardon me while I throw all across this land -deeply treaup! Come to grips with myself and sured friends, to whom I now say a admit I was wrong? Forget it! very special Merry, Merry Chiist- Yet those suggestions (painful as mas, wherever you are! they are to a sick ego like mine), Alcoholics Anonymous is a felfinally followed to the best of my lowship of men and women who ability, coupled with daily petitions share. Thank you again, Grapevine, to a Higher Power, are precisely for letting me share through you. what gives me this joyful Christmas season. Those suggestions, thor- N. G., Alvin, Tex.

March 1972 .(‘ ‘ t

,’ Once the decision was made leads me to the idea that I must come up with a solution for every problem. Not only must I find a so- Nobody Could Have Kept Me From M y Slip lution, but I must believe that there always is one, and it has to fit into my current concept of right and wrong, and it must arrive pretty a miserable goodbye at the airport, soon, like now. Usually, I can’t rest I headed for the nearest bar, know- until I’ve said the perfect thing or ing exactly the chance I was taking. written the perfect letter which will What I had no way of knowing was change the course of events -for ) what form the pattern of drinking somebody else. would take. I had never been a con- Another sentence in that same stant drinker-all day and all night, booklet hit home with equal force: that is – and I suspected that may- “Never underestimate the adverbe that was the next stage awaiting sary.” That, too, I must remember. me. The adversary’is not about to change Now that 1 look back’ on that to suit my will. In my tender stage morning at the airport, I know two of learning, I must keep plugging things: One, nobody could have kept and at the same time be patient with N o w t h e struggle t o c o m e back me from drinking once the idea was myself. Those same old creeping, d e m a n d s patience, honesty, and humility full-blown; two, I had not spent the grasping patterns of egocentric thinknecessary time (for me) working on ing may crop up more often for a the Steps, reading, and meditating, while now, but I’ll try to have the

F OR ALMOST A W E E K now, I’ve been having what I suppose are withdrawal symptoms from three rately, because it seems almost incredible that there has been such extreme progression in my inability , even though I had been attending meetings. The Third Step has never been club ready to beat them off. Patience with myself will involve standing still and riding out a bad mood, OF small martinis before dinner out, six to handle the poison. one that I could take to my bosom of the hardest of all things far m nights ago, plus two slugs of sherry at home later. Admittedly, I was I am a fifty-six-year-old woman who had three years and four months and call mine. But recently, in the booklet “Twelve Steps and the Older at this point. If I can hold on for a hour, or however long it takes, I’ll 1 wound up tight and only picked at of continuous sobriety in AA, end- Member,” a sentence hit home. It be victorious, whether the world sees dinner. When I got home, I had to ing on December 26, 1970. On that was about our wills and our lives it or not. j,

keep talking to my long-suffering particular date, I’d had it up to my already being in the hands of God. On that December 26, I had sevhusband and had to have the relax- ears, I thought, with my two young- I don’t have to work on it to make era1 martinis, and the results were i , ation of drinking – hence the sher- est sons. They had been here for a it happen; it is already a fact. For not too bad. During the following ry, which was the only thing in the week at Christmastime with their long me, the final acceptance of what al- period, the pattern gets hazy as I try house. My husband cut me off and hair and talk of drugs. Oh so subtly, ready is will make the difference; to recall it. I drank off and on and went to bed. That saved me from I had tried to influence their think- and then I will have to maintain went to meetings off and on. I never worse results, because when I’m ing with talk, and obviously I had constant vigilance. Without vigilance, got drunk in the old sense; at times, wound up I need an audience. I’d gotten nowhere. Though dry, I was I can so easily fall into a negative, I had myself quite convinced that I like to remember and report accu- tense and unhappy. So, after saying critical pattern of thinking, which was different and not exactly an al-

coholic, after all. As the months member this stretch. went by, however, the main thing It is somehow very hard to get that happened was the awful effect back in the swing of meetings and of two or three drinks on my sleep to feel the sense of belonging again. and morale. The baffling part was I’ve been to two meetings this week, that I seldom drank more than two one yesterday and one the night beor three (not at all like the stories fore, and I felt so conspicuous 1 of other people’s slips), but I could wished I could have disappeared actually feel the poison killing my from sight. I did not confess, but brain cells (or, at least, it seemed to instead tried to appear well, instead be hurting my head in some fright- of crazy. It’s hard to come out and ening way), and I was scared. Thank say, “I feel crazy. I’m scared to open God, I’m not quite ready to settle my mouth. I’m scared to walk to on becoming a vegetable. Before the coffee-maker and back, because coming to AA several years ago, 1 I’m that unsure of myself.” could drink to oblivion, but those You see, once I had talked like a days are past. big shot in those same groups. 1 re- Up until this last time, six nights member, too, being critical of slipago, the effect had progressed to the pers who came back and didn’t make point of no more than two or three a clean breast of it. I simply thought hours’ sleep after three drinks, and they could not last, because they then two or three more days and could not be honest. (We’ll see.) I nights of turmoil and agitated (cer- was becoming critical of a lot of tainly not serene) thoughts, with things and people in AA, so maybe little rest. I’d hide from people when- I needed a lesson. Now I’m shaky ever possible and be unable to $on- enough to wonder whether anybody trol my feelings of inadequacy. If I will believe me when I say so little had to perform (see people), I drinking can wreck this particular would double my defenses, appear progressed alcoholic, can produce halfway normal, and later collapse. the whole ugly scene and make me Still, frightening as it is for me to want to kill myself. I know better contemplate, I did try again six nights than to worry about that. If my salago, and I have gone through six of vation depends on spilling it at the the worst days and nights I can re- next meeting, I hope 1’11 have whatmember. They have not been the ever it takes. I’ll be as honest as 1 old, really torturous type, but just can, when 1 can, and hope that a bit downright grim and degrading. Each of humility has been added. God night, I’ve been thinking, “Tonight knows, I’ve been a mess of contra- I’ll be able to sleep, and tomorrow dicting thoughts and actions without I’ll be able to cope.” Thank God it the lifeline of AA to cling to. has lasted this long. Maybe I’ll re- C . S., Santu Fe, N . M .

March 1 9 7 2

Home again From Moberly, Mo.: I came into AA in January 1949 and since that time have had one slip. That slip began in May 1961 and ended in August 1969. I’m sure that for several years I had been a good AA member. I must have been, because I was elected Delegate from Missouri to the General Service Conference in 1952. If I hadn’t been sincere, I would not have been elected. As to what happened, I don’t know, but at some time I started forgetting all AA contacts, meetings, Twelfth Step work, continued inventory, and everything I had learned that was important to a recovering alcoholic. The reasons why I started drinking aren’t important. The important thing is that I now have a little over two years’ sobriety again. I now attend two or three meetings per week and realize their importance. My friends, let me say to you: Never forget what you learn in AA. I was lucky enough to survive an eightyear drunk -you might not be. J. B. C.

A p r i l 1972

‘What is bugging me?’ From Hotchkiss, Colo. : AAs who continue to drink after being exposed to our Fellowship usually have something bugging them, and return to the bottle for escape. Me included. The difference is that the others know what’s bugging t them and can do something about it, while I really don’t know what’s bugging me, what’s causing me to return to the bottle. If I knew, then I, too, could work on it and eventually get rid of it. But it won’t surface to where 1 know what it is. I Onc thing’s for sure – the group and my Higher Power aren’t failing me, I’m failing them. I’m the one that keeps withdrawing my hand from theirs. They have not turned their back on me, I’ve turned my back on them. Whatever the cause for my going back to the bottle is, it’s in me, not in the AA group. The question is, how do I go about finding out what is bugging me, and doing something about it? I’m very unhappy – and won’t find happiness on the program till I come face to face with what’s bothering me, and do something to gct rid of it. S. D.

May 1972

Keep trying From Titusville, Fla. : : For three years, I went to AA meetings as faithfully as I could, yet continued to drink. I had a wonderful sponsor, who helped me in every way possible. My husband threatened divorce; my children had disrespect for me; I was terriblyc

unhappy. But none of these things stopped my drinking. , Suddenly, the whole program of AA’began to get through to me. I began tolshed the “iron horse of remorse’l. for the things I had done while drinking, began to accept those things I could not change, started working on things I could change, and am gaining a serenity I never thought possible. I think that AA not only helps you stay sober, but gives you a great philosophy of life to live by. So, if a newcomer or someone who has slipped and come back can identify with my story, I’d say, “Stick with the program and you’ll eventually get with it.” c. C.

July 1972

be miserable as a result. And why Also, I had fallen in love with an would I be miserable? Because, AA lady, very much in love, and I when I found my emotional pain looked forward – after a certain pe- I and distress intolerable, when I des- riod of stable sobriety for both of us perately wanted succor from the -to the end of the loneliness of my The Slip That Didn’t Happen horrible discomfort of self-pity, I widowerhood. would not be able mentally to pull Boiling two eggs late one night Where he had failed before, the shade down on the AA way of after a meeting (I was restricted to life and find release in Scotch, gin, soft foods while awaiting my new Antabuse forced him to wait or vodka. At least, for seven days teeth), I felt depressed. My diet, the I would not be able to drink without extraction of teeth, anxiety over job until the crisis had passed the danger of Antabuse reaction. By prospects (indefinite entirely because then, the acute phase of my emo- of my own procrastination, an tional turmoil would have passed. emerging character defect of serious T H E K I N D L Y DOCTOR told me, “You are going to die, and it’s a shame. Aside from liver damage, may make all the difference,” the doctor continued, “and I urge you to follow it. Here it is: One, go to all But during the crises, I would be miserable, forced to face myself, unproportions) had left me physically and emotionally down. Moreover, you still have your basic health. But the AA meetings that you can- able to drink. rejection of my attentions by my AA at your age, deterioration will be every night if possible. Second, get I rejoined my AA groups, was lady had left the romance I longed rapid if you continue to drink alco- daily physical exercise. Third, take welcomed back by friends and ac- for in serious disarray, This had hurt. holically. In your case, the future Antabuse for a year.” quaintances, and entered upon the Resentfully eyeing the boiling may be particularly grim -a pain- Well, I had first gone to AA as AA life with gusto. Because of my eggs, I felt a surge of self-pity arisful, existence confined to a wheel- far back as 1957 and had enjoyed past failures, I decided to start with ing (as I analyzed it later) from chair, with impaired eyesight. All the marvelous fellowship and com- an entirely clean slate, working the feelings of inferiority, worthlessness, due to alcohol.” panionship. But after six months to Steps one by one from the beginning, fear, resentment, and envy. Here I knew that the doctor was right, two years of sobriety, I always had doing exactly – the best 1 could was the onset of the misery I had and I felt a surge of despairing slipped and ended up drinking alco- – what the Big Book and the other predicted when I agreed to take the self-pity. At fifty-five, I was forty holically for months before breaking literature suggested. Also, I tried – Antabuse. Here, exckpt for the Antapounds over my normally trim 175; down physically. A quart of vodka for the first time -to develop my buse, was the emotional’ situation my blood pressure approximated my a day for more than six months had spiritual life. Each night, I got down which had returned me to the bottle weight; the nerves in my feet and landed me in this doctor’s office. I on my knees and prayed, asking only from the AA way of life a number left hand had been so irritated by had, in the jargon, a long fuse. for God’s guidance. of times since 1957. ‘ the effects of alcohol that these ex- The road to recovery always had In a short six months, my health “Damn the Antabuse!” I thought tremities were numb. So was the tip required physical exercise for me, improved dramatically, with the neu- as I surrendered myself, my future, of my nose. And there was the pos- and this part of the doctor’s pro- ritis diminishing, and I felt that the my hopes of a new marriage -all sibility that this condition, alcoholic gram did not disturb me. But Anta- future looked as bright as it had my hopes- to dreams of the inneuritis, might affect my optic nerve. buse? I had in the past consistently somber six brief months previously. stant relief which I knew vodka Blind, in a wheelchair, awaiting rejected Antabuse, claiming it repre- I was going to my AA meetings would immediately effect. the release of death. So that was to sented a cop-out, a crutch. But this seven days a week – and enjoying It was a Tuesday night. I had be my fate. time I agreed to take it, telling the them. 1 was exercising each day and taken my last Antabuse pill only the “But there is a program which doctor, however, that I expected to dieting. I was undergoing major den- evening before. So I could not drink tal work. And I was taking Antabuse. until Saturday night at the earliest,

and even that would be cutting things food supplies (I wanted canned food pretty fine. I feared an Antabuse re- on hand, since some eating would action, but, I vowed, Saturday night prolong the drinking period and off- I would chance it. set the inevitable physical collapse). I’ll drink for the next six months, I gazed with loathing at the mute 1 thought, as alcoholic thinking over- Antabuse bottle. And then, on imwhelmed my crumbling defenses. If pulse, I dropped to my knees and I make sure to eat, get’ some sleep, asked God’s forgiveness for what I and hold off the morning drink until was about to do. I withdrew my life 8:00AM; I can get high in my apart- and will from His care. ment three distinct times during Madness persisted until noon on a twenty-four-hour period. I had Wednesday, when sanity emerged. done this before. And after the six The emotional crises had passed; the months? We shall see. Some unhappy acute discomfort had dissipated. The fate. But my AA friends would know slip had not happened. Perhaps I I had tried; I had fought the good could gain strength and understandfight and had gone down gallantly ing from the experience. I went to and bravely. And she would know. my knees and thanked God for His Poor little old me! help. With gladness, I took an Anta- Would Saturday ever come? I buse pill. tossed on my bed in anticipation of Best of all, I could go to my AA the release the weekend would bring. meeting that evening and enjoy the Oh, that blasted Antabuse! If it were assurance, security, and sense of benot for that stuff, I could get my longing that being associated with bottle at 10:OO AM, when package my AA friends- and only that stores opened. I should never have association -brings to me. agreed to take it! I was still free. Unable to sleep, I checked my D.C . B., Washington, D.C.

September 1972

‘Second time around’ From South Walpole, Mass.: There were many people in the The first thing I did was get back program who told me that if I went in the program. Myfirst time around, out of prison and picked up a drink, I had learned an awful lot about ‘things would get worse. I had reser- AA, but now I have to apply it to vations about this. Within three myself. I’ve been very successful weeks after I was paroled from state thus far in clearing up the things inprison, I had picked up that fatal side me that barred me from success first drink. For about two weeks, in AA on the street -hate, hidden everything was fine. Then it hap- resentments, etc. Now I feel the kind pened -things got worse. I experi- of sobriety some of the old-timers enced two blackouts and had a have -peace-of-mind sobriety. Life parole-violation warrant, and my sis- is much sweeter (even though I’m in ter asked me to leave the home she prison) the second time around. had provided for me. RICHIE C. i So there I stood in a blizzard, no home, no clothes, no money, thinking wouldn’t it be grand if it were

summTrtime. (At least. then I could sleep in the park.) I ran into a friend, and I stayed at his place. There, I started in on drugs, and finally I got arrested. I was brought back to prison and have been here almost nine months.

October 1972

Around the Tables

The Accidents That ~ o n ‘ tlust Happen

off. “It was an accident!” (My pas- describe it that way? I believe .the “You know what our genius for rationalization is. If, to senger has put together about ninety- thoughts behind the description go ourselves, we fully justify one slip, then our rationalizing five days and is growing, but doesn’t something like this: “Poor darling! propensities are almost sure to justify another one, per- want anyone to know she’s an AA.) I understand you had a slip by accihaps with a diflerent set o f excuses. But one justification “It was an accident.” Who said dent. Come on back, sweetie pie leads to another and presently we are back on the bottle that? Did I? Did you? Did the will- us good old AAs know an accident full-time.” 0′-the-wisp say it? No, if one had when we see one. After all, who Bill W., in As Bill Sees It – the AA Way of Life listened, what her story really said knows when 1’11 do it?”. . . , was “I wondered if 1 had another Who said that? No matter who drunk left.” did, most likely the cunning, b a i n g ROUND THE TABLES the other ting together -the punch was spik- A night, there was a certain amount of agonizing over a gal who ed -oh well, having had one glass, what the hell! The will-o’-the-wisp didn’t say it was an accident. My passenger said it. Who’s got the problem -the willmind of an alcoholic was putting into motion some powerful rationalizing to justify a slip of his own. I’m had been doing a marvelous job of Now she’s back, with the old mes- 0′-the-wisp or the passenger? glad I had listened intently to the one-day living. She had come so sage: “Don’t, for God’s sake, don’t Think hard and recall the exact will-o’-the-wisp. Thanks to’my pasdamn far over the past ten months! take the first one.” She’s back, and essence of what one member or an- senger, I learned something about She’d been a will-o’-the-wisp, all that’s important -for her and for other has said when he comes back slips. To keep my sobriety, I -not over the meetings in our town, chair- me. I,don’t want anyone out, not for from a slip. He never says, “It was you or she or he – must work dili- .woman here, secretary there, involv- a second. But she’s back. an accident” -not after he has cut gently to practice what fie Big Book ed in all sorts of tasks. She hadn’t I mentioned the incident to one away the self-pity and the remorse. says. Then I won’t be sonleone lookbeen at our group for about a month, of my riders on the way to a meet- Listen, listen to what these people ing for an accident to happen so that but we didn’t think that was unusual ing, saying, “It’s wonderful that she’s are saying, and you’ll know it’s never someone else looking for an accident -until she told us she hadn’t been back, but it’s sad that she picked up an accident. to happen can say of my slip, “It at any group for a month. that drink.” Then why do we so often hear was only an accident.” I. A party -just some people get- My passenger nearly tore my head someone other than the “slipper” D.W . R., Detroit, Mich.

October 1972

‘Nothing but beer’ From Tri~pllill,N.C.: watching TV. That was going on I have bcen a drunk most of my three years ago, and it has now life since WW 11, but attended your grown to anywhere from six to ten AA group meetings off and on over beers every night. So I can see that thc years and stayed sober once for over a year. Am old enough and have sense enough now to keep away from all hard stuff, but to be honest, I average a six-pack of beer every night ant1 am beginning to realize this has to stop, too, but keep putting i t off. I know your program will work I must be careful, as the next step if a man really tries, and so I hope is “white likker” and a five- to-sixthis is my final step to complete so- week drunk, which with God’s help briety. Anyone who thinks he can’t (and the AA) must never happen be an alcoholic if he drinks nothing – I have too much to lose. but beer just doesn’t know what he Anyway, will be looking forward is doing. The time I was completely to receiving your fine magazine cvcry dry for alniost a year, 1 decided to month. You may print this if you try a colt1 beer or two in the evening wish and if you think it might help someone. R. W. B.

March 1973

Open letter: ‘Welcome back!’ From Connecticut: It was wonderful to see you walk into that meeting today and to know you are going to try the AA way again. You said you had feared coming back after such a long slip, because you had not known just how you would be received. You know now, I’m sure, that your fears were entirely groundless. I think I can safely speak for all of us in saying that none of us felt anything but joy at your return. Personally, I used your return as an opportunity for a self-inventory, to make sure that if anything I may have done or failed to do contributed to your slip, I would be more alert to your needs this time. But more than anything else, I want to comment on the “guilt feelings” you expressed. Please consider this letter as stamping upon your “bill of guilt” the words “Paid in full by coming back.” Your return was a precious gift to me, a magnificent testimony to the power .and the workability of the program. My own faith in AA could have had no greater “boost’er shot.” Thank YOU! YOUR FRIEND

August 1973

become hypnotized by the resonant sound of the mufflers. It wasn’t until I glanced at the sky Light on the Road and saw the new day’s suntthat I realized daylight had come without my awareness. Dawn had always With the dawn came a promise been a time of solitude and quiet o f new beginnings reflection, but now I was awed by its beauty and sudden presence. In my mind’s eye, I saw in it the prom- .*VEHAD the cork in the bottle for confidence gave way to fear; and problems, which, by the small hours, ise of a new beginning, and awe I some time now. I’ve come a long way, but I still see crises where none negativism became the climate of my mind. had become mountainous. The effort of mountain-making had exhausted gave way to tranquillity and peace. Suddenly, I heard my own voice exist, and some of my castles have Fortunately, in spite of my love me, and I had never known such over the drumming of the engine foundations in the sand. Happily, affair with alcohol, I had hung on depression. I decided sobriety was give name to the God of my youth. though, so far I can usually put to other interests which provided me expendable. I needed a drink, and “Father, help me!” Then,, as mysthings in the right perspective. relaxation and honest pleasure. One I was determined to have it. teriously and quickly as it had come, From the beginning, I felt the of these was my attraction to motor- That resolved, 1 got up, dressed, the telepathy ended, and I was alone physical benefits of being dry. Fat cycles, an interest which I had de- and sneaked downstairs. There was again. fell away; muscle tone returned; co- veloped in my college days. Cycling no booze in the house, and it would Religion had never been a force ordination iinproved; and I felt has an element of risk and a beauty be hours before the stores opened. in my life, and perhaps it never stronger each day. The mental ad- all its own. The machine responds Impulsively, I went out to the ga- would be, I thought. But whatever justments took longer, because the to every movement of the body; the rage and guided my motorcycle touched me on that road that mornimage I had of myself had been born rider and the bike become a single quietly down the drive and into the ing was a gift of hope. In time, I in booze and protected by it most of unit. 1 always get a high feeling street. For unmeasured time, I crank- knew, faith and understanding would my life. The defects of character I when I’m riding and the bike is right. ed along winding country roads at follow. discovered were greater than I had an- These three elements -booze, slow throttle. I began to feel some I slowed the bike, made a sweep ticipated, and my humiliation seem- bombed mind, and the bike -all of the tension ease as the road rolled ing U turn, gently opened the throted more than I could cope with so came together one morning. I had away behind me. I put aside the real tle, and headed home. suddenly. I began to pity myself; gone to bed nursing molehill-size purpose of my ride and let my mind F. L., Groton, Cpnn.

August 1973

weather conditions were perfect, and three days later, I remember nothing. I took dozens of good color photo- During this time, my camera vangraphs that the couple would be able ished. I eventually developed one to cherish for the rest of their life damaged spool of film, which protogether. After the ceremony, cham- duced only two negatives. These pagne corks began to pop. At first, were relatively insignificant “crowd safe in the knowledge that alcohol scenes.” The anticipated “forever” , Anatomy of a slip and I were incompatible, I refused photographs of the bride and groom all offers of a drink. I toasted the and the wedding ceremony were irbride in ginger ale, but somehow retrievably lost. The personal trag-

“Not Even a Single Sip.. .99 , that didn’t seem quite right. I found myself accepting “just a sip” of champagne at the bottom of a glass. I will never know what prompted edy didn’t finish there. Two months later, the groom was killed when his truck crashed in the bush. Imagine the consolation those last pictures me to have a drop more – a wee could have brought the young widow. bit larger this time! Something told Very occasionally nowadays, I get me I was playing with dynamite, but a momentary feeling that I would AST OF SUEZ, in my late teens, ample for people who are debating, at the back of my mind must have like a glass of wine with dinner. I took my first alcoholic drink. “Am I or am I not an alcoholic? been the reservation that perhaps, The sensation is only fleeting, bei didn’t like it and left most of it in Can I now control my drinking?” after all, I wasn’t truly an alcoholic. cause immediately the lesson of my the glass on the table. Some months Because of my technical knowl- Subsequent thoughts and actions are slip in M’kushi obscures it like a later, in Malta, I had another beer. edge, I was especially invited to a jumbled, and I cannot remember the blanket. The one good thing that Although I still found it unpalatable, wedding, both as a guest and as the sequence of events after I had a came out of this unfortunate inci- I finished it off. That must have trig- “official” photographer. This was third and full glass. dent was the permanently imprinted gered my latent alcoholism, because not altogether unexpected; people Some fifteen minutes later, with knowledge that I can never ever take f for nearly thirty years I continued had noticed that I was no longer the typical aplomb and cunning of a drink, not even a single sip. to pour down any form of liquor making a nuisance of myself at par- an alcoholic, I was taking around a I can assure anybody in AA who that came my way. I learned to en- ties. One or two “test” invitations bottle to ensure that all the guests’ may be mentally dithering Nth “Am joy the flavor of all alcoholic drinks, had come my way, and I had been glasses were kept topped up. Most I? Aren’t I?” problems that I am but the taste was incidental to the observed consuming soft drinks and of that bottle was used to top up not unique in my lack of tolerance main purpose of drinking: to get had actually been heard to refuse one glass only! Later that evening, for alcohol. It happened to me in drunk. hard liquor! I again had “my own” bottle – this exactly the same way that it will My drunkalog, like that of most I had been associated with AA time brandy. I can vaguely remem- happen to every alcoholic who is alcoholic sailors, is devious, tedious, for some twelve months, during ber a table collapsing under me in a foolhardy enough to repeat my exand repetitive, and I have never at- which period I had managed to get shower of broken glasses and bot- periment. Let my rashness serve you tempted the telling of it. However, in a couple of pretty hefty slips. tles. Oblivious of the shards sticking as the object lesson it has become 1 do like to tell of one particular However, it looked as if I was be- in my backside, I was asininely for me. Time lapses may vary, but incident in my drinking career that ginning to make the grade, and I complimenting myself because my here is the final answer: You will happened after I had come into Al- was inwardly convinced that at long brandy bottle was still intact and I categorically and positively end up coholics Anonymous. I use it as a last I had got this thing licked. hadn’t spilled my drink. From then drunk. reminder for myself and as an ex- When the wedding day came, until I arrived back on my farm B. W.,Salisbury, Rhodesia

September 1973

From the September 1973 Grapevine A nine-page section of personal experiences with slips, slippers, and slipping

What Happened to Them Could Happen to Me T HE FIRST TIME Someone close to me slipped, I was shattered and amazed. How could it have hapdrink again? What can I do to keep this from happening to me? Without realizing it, I found mysame old stories and the same faces” or “My outside commitflents were such that I had to cut do@ On pened? What dramatic crisis had self attracted to these slippers. In going to meetings” or “I felt 1 had caused this tragic situation? My fact, I began to study them. I got received the optimum benefits from friend, who fortunately got back to close to them and tried to learn as meetings and sought further AA, seemed confused when he tried much as I could about what had h a g from more meaningful activitieb.” In to explain his slip. No crisis, real or pened in each case. I learned that it’s short, they stopped going to Peet- There are common imagined, had occurred. He said he quite possible for me to slip, too. I ings. There is an AA saying, “Them denominators in all slips, just decided to take a drink. can identify with these AAs before which stops going to meetings ale As time passed, my initial horror they slip, when they tell bits of my present at meetings to hear and from them we can learn and concern abated. I decided my story and express my own feelings – what happens to them that Stops how to protect ourselves friend was an unusual person and and then they drink again. I had going to meetings.” It’s so very trueand help others since he was safely back in the pro- better believe that what happened to Another common denominator is gram, all was well. But then another them can happen to me. too little use of the Twelve Steps. friend slipped. And others. They Is there any consistency among comments heard most are: “I never didn’t all come back, and some will slippers? Are there common denomi- did work the Steps,” “I never got never be able to make it back, as they nators that seem to apply? 1 found past the First Step,” “I work<, the have passed from this life. some. They don’t apply 100 percent, Steps too slow” or “too fast Or I began to fear that this would but they come close enough to be “too soon.” In essence, these slippers . happen to me. What caused these startling. considered the Steps, but did not Conslips? What happens to an individual In almost every instance, the re- scientiously and sincerely appW the who apparently seems to understand turned slipper says, “I stopped going Steps to their lives. and live the AA way, yet decides to to meetings” or “I got fed up with the Finally, I found, many of theP I

dissatisfaction with today. “I forgot. happy they are back, and that we we live a day at a time” or “1 began to want to help all we can. And we must anticipate the future” or “I began to mean it. project” or “I began to plan results, Since then, I have told slippers just not just plan.” They seemed to forget that. For me, it has been easy to mean that all we have is now. Life con- it, because I can still “go to school” tinued to get better for them, and as and continue to learn from them. many of us do, they forgot how bad it v. B. had been and began to think how dissatisfying it was compared to what asleep with my clothes on. I would it could be. In my own opinion, we wake up about 3:W or 4:W AM and tend to forget our blessings and try to start to wonder where I could get a compare today with tomorrow. This A “dry run” to keep drink, knowing full well that I had leads to disappointment when to- the memory green goofed and did not have a single drop morrow’s blessings do not measure to drink. I would now have to suffer up to our specifications. We must until the magic hour of 7:00 AM, at compare today to yesterday, so we may realize, by that contrast, what Memorandum of What Would Be which time one of the local bars would open. great benefits and blessings we have I would go through the motions of today. Most important of all the lessons I A FTER BEING plagued by a desire to drink, I wrote the following wanted to learn: What do we say to a memorandum to myself. I carry it would probably decide to move to a going to work. But as soon as I was bar closer to home, before I got too out of sight of my home, I would turn drunk to drive a long distance. In the toward the local bar, so I could get slipper who returns or to a slipper with me at all times, and whenever I middle of the third hour, 1 might feel over this terrible hangover. At 7:30, I who calls for help? I seem to be com- think about a drink, I read it. I guess drunk enough to go home. Then, I would call my employer and report . pletely ready and equipped to give the you’d call it a dry run. It goes like would remember I had no booze at sick. I would drink at the local bar message to newcomers; if they will this.. . . home, and a feeling of panic would until 9:00 AM and then go to the listen, I’ll talk to them for hours. But If I stopped at the Ivyland Inn for a come over me. I would quickly order liquor store, buy a bottle, make my what d o I have to tell the slipper who drink, I would order a bottle of beer, another Manhattan and a quart of way home, drink myself into a has had years on the program, has and it would taste like the nectar of beer to take home. At the end of the stupor, and fall asleep. When I woke read the Big Book, knows the Steps, the gods. I would savor every mouth- fourth hour, I would reel out of the up, I would go back to the liquor and has attended hundreds or thou- ful and relish each swallow. I would bar clutching my quart of beer, and store and buy another bottle and then sands of meetings? For a long time, I think about all the pleasure I had very cautiously I would drive home. return to my home with my bottle. wasn’t at all competent in this area. been missing by abstaining. This When I walked into the house, my By this time, my wife would have Finally, a slipper told me what to say pleasure of drinking would continue wife would look at me and know im- figured out some way to get my keys and, more important, what to do. He unabated for about one hour, at mediately that I had slipped. (Her and my money. (She was always very told me what he most wanted to hear which time I would decide to have a disappointment is something I do not successful at this.) But I could still and feel when he returned. Later, shot. The second hour would be spent like to contemplate.) I would go to walk, and I could still borrow, and I other slippers confirmed his advice. drinking shots with beer chasers. At the kitchen and drink the quart of could still go to the bank and ask He said that when slippers return or the end of that hour, I would change beer and either fall asleep at the them for a blank check. So for the say they want to return, we should tell to Manhattans. kitchen table or make my way, next couple of days, I would walk, them that we love them and are After one or two Manhattans, I drunkenly, to the bedroom and fall borrow, and keep myself boozed up.

f ‘ About this time, I would make an- many tabs I had run up and which sure all of us were prepared for a other call to my employer and tell him people I had insulted and – most round of toasts. There seemed to be that I was still sick. I would begetting important – how I could stop drink- no chance to protest, no escape, no sick and tired of trying to feel good by ing. If I went to the hospital, I would way out. drinking, since it would only make be off work another week. So I’d And suddenly, I just gave up. With me feel worse. My wife would also be have to return to work and try to full knowledge of what 1 was doing, I getting sick and tired of seeing me suffer it through. If this didn’t work, raised the glass to my lips and drank drunk all the time, and as a final it would have to be the hospital. the champagne, telling myself that it desperate attempt to force me to What a price I would have paid for was only a glass of champagne and sober up, she would hide my pants this slip! . . . drinking it wouldn’t be the end of the and shoes. For me, the moral of this memo is world, so why make a big deal of it? I By this time, I would be concerned think. Think before you drink. It even allowed the ever-present man about my job. Would I still have a really works. Thanks to AA, this is with the bottle to add more chamjob? 1 would also be concerned about only an imagined slip and not a real pagne to my glass. I drank again. the money I had borrowed and how one. A. M. Nothing happened. The toasts were finished; the glasses were surrendered; we said goodbye to our my hotel room and write some artihost and went back to our hotel. cles about the trip, while the whole Officially, the trip was over. thing was fresh in my mind. My boss I had gone to an AA meeting in Ot- would expect them. Why not get tawa during the middle of the week them done? and had planned to go to one in Mon- The battle raged inside me for Only Glass Champagne treal that night. I looked up Montreal in the AA World Directory which I more than an hour. For the first time since sobering up, back in 1956, I was had brought with me, made one call, struggling against an overwhelming got no answer, and abandoned the desire to get drunk. And anyway, no one would ever know idea. What I really needed was some- 1 didn’t leave my hotel room that thing to eat, I told myself. night, even to get something to eat. I 1 checked restaurants in the news- didn’t dare. And I wrote a series of A FEW YEARS ago, I accompanied a group of newsmen to Ottawa to spend a week as guests of the Caof wine and liquor at the meals and parties. Well-schooled in the art of saying no or taking evasive action, I paper, but I was more interested in the night spots with their offerings of wine, women, and song. Why not go articles, sweated them out. (They were subsequently published.) The next morning, I made another nadian Government. It turned out to found that my patience and ingenuity to one of these places to eat? After decision. My airline tickets were for be an exhausting experience, with a were severely tested nonetheless. such a hard week, why not relax, let late that afternoon. Instead of waitheavy schedule of briefings and press At the end of the week, we went to my hair down, enjoy myself? It was ing, 1 took the next bus out of Monconferences, plus luncheons, dinners, Montreal. On our schedule there was very tempting. Could I control my treal. On the way home, I had a and cocktail parties that we were ex- a visit to the office of the mayor, urge to drink? Supposing I did have a chance to think about it. Nothing had pected to attend. where we were greeted with great hos- few? I was sweating and trembling. If happened, 1 assured myself – only a As a ten-year veteran of Alcoholics pitality. One of the mayor’s aides I did get drunk, no one need ever matter of tension and tiredness. It Anonymous, I was confident of my produced glasses and a magnum of know. would be better just to forget about ability to cope with the constant flow champagne and proceeded to make On the other hand, I could stay in it.

For more than a year, I kept my ‘

secret, going to AA meetings, but finding myself less and less interested, drifting away. Ironically, the crisis came when I went back to Montreal. ‘Soon, we begin to feel a I experienced panic, the same panic I certain freedom from remembered from my first year of so- the desire to drink” briety, when I also was trying to free myself from dependence on tranquilizers. This new experience forced me back to the Twelve Steps, and when I The Two Phases Sobriety took an inventory, I was appalled at what I found. However good things looked outwardly, there was no doubt that the terrible egotism so characteristic of me in my drinking D URINGMY first two years in AA, my sponsor died after a slip at the age of forty-two, when he had five, ten, or fifteen years of sobriety go down the drain with vicious slips. A few recovered somewhat, but othmany of us proceed directly from Step One to Step Twelve, where we can begin to put into action some of 1 years had reasserted itself and was had about four years of sobriety. ers were lost entirely. This led me into the feelings we get from having had controlling all my thinking and ac- Only a few months later, a near rela- a deeper study of our wonderful pro- the courage to admit that we had a tions. The feeling of dependence on tive also lost his sobriety, after ap- gram of Alcoholics Anonymous, and problem. God and on other members of Alco- proximately seven years in AA, al- 1 began noting two very distinct Soon, we begin to feel a certain holics Anonymous that had been though the entire seven years had not phases of our journey through AA. It freedom from the desire to drink, such a powerful factor in my recovery been totally successful. Those two is quite possible that phase one has probably mostly because Twelfth had simply vanished. negative experiences involving people many subphases, and phase two cer- Step work puts us face-to-face with There is no worse sin than pride – close to me left me questioning the tainly has an unlimited number. It is suffering alcoholics who remind us of and pride had dictated that I tell no chance I had with this program. At my humble opinion that alcoholics ourselves only a short time ago. This one about my slip. There can be no the time, I had been sober in AA for a who continue to have difficulty or will keep us sober for a while, and is lasting sobriety without honesty – year and a half, but I found myself in I run into difficulty after many years often called the honeymoon or pinkand I was no longer honest with my- a very gray mood about my prospects on the program – let’s say, many cloud stage. If we begin to look at the self or others. Sobriety must be for continuing that way. years of being free from alcohol – other ten Steps, we may take them shared – and I was hardly conscious In the next several years of my AA are usually those who fail to pass rather lightly, not realizing the imof being an alcoholic. experience, I devoted a great deal of from phase one to phase two. portance of each one. It is quite possi- It isn’t easy to come back after you thought to slippers, and to AAs who We enter phase one with the First ble that pride in general and pride in drift away. The newcomer’s need for were finding sobriety very difficult to Step, the admission that we are pow- sobriety in particular form blocks help is apparent in his bleary eyes and maintain. I tried to seek out some of erless over alcohol and that our lives against going into the program in any confused thinking, and all in AA who the underlying reasons for their prob- have become unmanageable. And depth. If we do not begin to enter o b s e ~ ehim want to help. But those lems, not so much that I might help this very admission makes the rest of phase two at this point, we start to of us who have slips face a different them, but that I might avoid the same the program mandatory. At this lose interest in going to meetings and problem. Put most bluntly, it’s a matter of getting down on our knees, difficulty. A little later, I became associated point, however, the other Steps seem to be quite far from having anything become too involved with our own affairs. , and asking. . . W. K. with some members who had had to do with our drinking problem, and The second phase is necessary for a

contented and lasting sobriety. It is in life and then to wreck it. Only by the phase two that we must go to work on continued attempt to practice this the Steps we have taken lightly, be- entire program am I able to make cause we find that we are still plagued progress on Step Three, which gets with unresolved resentments and me into phase two. times of self-pity. Possibly, there is no limit to the “Ask, and it shall be given you; depth that one can reach in this seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it phase. As human beings, we are all shall be opened unto you.” When we imperfect and require continual work begin to do this and revisit all Twelve on ourselves to obtain the peace and Steps in depth, we realize thCre is serenity that are ours for the asking in much about these Steps that we have our AA way of life. Fears, frusnever been able to understand. Al- trations, angers, and resentments, or though I was agnostic when I came just letting other people make us ill at into AA, I now find that Step Three is ease or unhappy, are all indications the hub of my program, and the rest of a lack of progress. of the Steps are spokes leading out With the help of God and my felfrom that hub. Turning my will and low AAs, 1 hope that I will be privimy life over to the care of God as I leged to work on this program the reunderstand him is much more easily maining days of my life. At some talked about than practiced. It is very time in the distant future, I may be easy for the alcoholic personality to able to come much closer to accomtake over the command of his own plishing Step Three. Anonymous

October 1973

That ‘First Drink’ Trip

For an alcoholic, the journey TANTALIZING clich6 mocks the

to oblivion A sanity of an alcoholic at the verge of temptation: “One little period of sobriety ended. It took first a doctor’s statement and then a One more can’t hurt. Second Drink: Oh boy! What a feeldrink never hurt anyone.” It seems personal, almost clinical analysis of ing of relaxation! Troubles start to begins at that so reasonable, so logical in its sim- what happened to me with one drink melt away; can’t really concentrate, plicity. After all, we remind our- inside me to rid my mind of this don’t really care; what a wonderful mood-changing selves, we have at times had one or saying. feeling. My spirits are picking up; two or even three little drinks and The doctor’s statement was simply almost feel happy. One more, and moment got by without trouble. Maybe, just this: “Alcohol is a mood-changing, that’s all. this once . . . special occasion . . . mind-altering drug.” Third Drink: Now this is the way I when alcohol just one. . . when nobody’s around My self-analysis was more com- should feel, want to feel. I can even . . . Anyhow, everybody knows, plicated. Keeping it simple is not start thinking about my problems, first hits the “One little drink never hurt anyone.” my strong point, although it always rationalizing solutions, putting my An alcoholic who is to have daily boils down to that eventually, with world together as it should be. How brain peace of mind and contented so- an ensuing lesson in humility and simple and right it all is as I see it, briety must bury this deadly saying ego-reducing. You will see what I even my drinking. One more? Why once and for all, beyond resurrec- mean by following “the anatomy of not! tion. It holds no danger for those one drink” as applied to this particu- Fourth Drink: King again! HOW who accept without reservation the lar alcoholic. foolish I was to doubt myself, to contrary AA statement “It’s the first First Drink: For whatever reason, it let others frustrate me. They just drink that gets you drunk.” But me burns, bites, feels cool, tastes good; don’t understand. It isn’t my fault; – I slipped on the “one little drink” then comes a spreading warmth that it’s the way society is today. If only banana peel with deliberate regu- takes the edge off tension and tired- people would listen to me – I know larity. That was how each short ness. I feel better. Instant reward. I’m right! I am really a wonderful

person. 1’11 even buy one for this him, damn everybody! It’s a lousy, poor fellow next to me. stinkin’, rotten world! I just want Fifth Drink: Hail friend, well-met! to blot it all out. Bartender, fill What a feeling of friendship and ‘er up. comradeship I am about to bestow Oblivion . . . upon you. How lucky can you get, Sound familiar? Fill in your own to be the object of my generous, dialogue or sequence or drinks or witty, wise, and sage personality and tempo. Sometimes, I couldn’t get conversation? Let’s have another, from the first to the last one fast and 1’11 tell you what I think. enough. Sixth Drink: You don’t agree? You I hope I never forget that the secmust be kidding! Well now, I just ond alcohol reaches my brain happen to know -No, I don’t think yes, even “one little drink” -it I could be wrong. . . . I don’t give a alters my mood and thinking. It sets damn what you think. . . .Now, listen in motion a chain of emotions inhere! Aw, to hell with you! grained by years of drinking. The Seventh Drink: What’s the use! You outcome, sooner or later, is inevitry to be nice to people, and look table. what you get. I ought to invite him So back to basics. “Keep it simoutside and knock his block off. ple” – don’t take that first drink. Everybody’s against me -wife The only drink 1’11 ever need is the probably waiting to give me more one after I take the first one. hell if 1 go home. Damn her, damn W. W. G., Oconomowoc, Wis.

Old-Timers

HE M A N smiled and waved to both the closed and the open meet- T me from a passing car. Nothing, you say? It brought me off a disasonly thing that would stay down when I was drinking! But it wore the lining of my stomach so thin that ings and pay the bills. I belonged again! It was wonderful. trous two-year slip, after nine years my blood actually oozed out. Lying Then came my fifteenth anniverof sobriety, and back to regular at- there sick and weak in the hospital, sary and dozens of cards from old tendance at meetings. But that was my rump perforated with shots of friends and new. Before the meeting, fifteen years ago. iron, I received a phone call from the chairman called a girl to the Last night, I celebrated my fif- old Bill, in my original group, wish- front of the room to receive her teenth anniversary of continuous so- ing me well. That evening, I got a ninety-day pin. She said a few briety in AA, and again, it was that visit from young Bill, in the same words, grateful for being there, three simple but powerful touch of one group. They still cared enough about months out of the jungle of active person to another that had brought me to call, although I hadn’t been to alcoholism. I recalled how difficult me back. After thirteen years in AA, their group in ten years! This is “one that first ninety days of sobriety had I was attending only an occasional to one” in AA, and it is powerful been for me, and how happy I had medicine. been that I didn’t have to drink! meeting, to see a friend celebrate an And here I had fifteen years of anniversary or to hear another friend Self-pity left me, and I realized how terribly foolish I had been to happy sobriety and all its gifts, my speak. I actually belonged to no par- dear wife (who also had fifteen years ticular group any more. I was happy deprive myself of the friendship of people like old Bill and young Bill, of sobriety and celebrated with me), and sober, seeing and playing bridge our dear house all paid for, our good with other AA people, but not at- and John, who took me to my first meeting and now had thirty-one son driving us to the meeting in his tending meetings. Then I landed in the hospital with years, and Walter -who had waved big air-conditioned car, the two of at ‘me from his car thirteen years us enjoying my retirement because anemia from loss of blood in the AA saved our lives. All this because stomach and duodenum (they call it earlier – and Gloria and Therese. I came back to them as soon as I someone waved to a fallen fellow erosive gastritis!), from years of from his car, or picked up a phone, drinking and from my regular morn- left the hospital, and began attending the group’s closed meetings. Be- or went to visit an old friend in a ing breakfast of a raw egg floating in hospital. It makes you think, doesn’t Worcestershire sauce. It was the fore I knew what had happened, I was treasurer, so I had to attend it? C. C., Mr. Vernon, N.Y.

F e b r u a r y 1974

Around the Tables

The Tidy House

An AA friend says it this way: “1 Artd remember have an ironclad guarantee against both the unseen the first drink – that is to stay close to you people and try to practice the ntzd the seen program in all my activities.” The eleventh chapter of Luke includes a parable that exactly de- ROUND m e TADLES, we hear AAs A who have followed the beautiful written words of the founders and scribes a slip: “When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest; the other early members of AA. We anti finding none, he saith, I will realso hear the sad refrain about the turn unto my house, whence 1 came progressiveness of our disease, and out. And when he cometh, he findit is a cruel tribute to the brutality eth it swept and garnished. Then of alcoholism that this message is goeth he, and taketh to him seven somctimcs carried by a person who other spirits more wicked than himhas had a number of years in the self; and they enter in, and dwell program. But another aspect of such there: and the last state of that man stories is sometimes missed, because is worse than the first.” we are focusing on the abject trag- A sick, forlorn drunk, filled with edy of the slips. evil spirits, shakes his way into the If alcoholism is progressive, then program; the voice of some higher just as progressive and just as pow- power sounds; the drunk really gets erful is the A A way of life. “Blest the old house tidied up – physically, arc they who hear the word of God financially, morally, and spiritually. and keep it.” Those words, recorded Then one day he gets smashed. Talk by Luke, arc echoed at the start of itbout progression – now there are Chapter 5 in the Big Book. AAs eight devils inside, and look what’s who have “thoroughly followed our happencd to his tidy house. path” just don’t go out and get The alternative? To combine two drunk, whether they have been thor- messages: Blest are they who thorough for a week or for thirty years. oughly follow our path.

April 1974

miracle wrought by his Higher When you’re Power. This feeling lasted until Rustarting all o l w pert arrived. Amnesia again, it’s hard Rupert had been Ambrose’s old drinkingbuddy. i t was Rupert’s highminded goal to restore Ambrose to to know what sanity, so Ambrose would drink with to believe him again. To achieve this objective, Rupert dropped in daily to stuff Ambrose’s virtually empty skull with suffering and heartache during his practical scientific facts and logic I T WAS an unfortunate accident. After nearly a year of happy AA sobriety, Ambrose had slipped, and drinking. Some of his AA friends dutifully before those AA fanatics could again brainwash him with crackpot now he was suffering from amnesia. filled him in on examples of his myths and superstitions. Ambrose Oh, he didn’t drink.It was a physical stinking thinking they had observed listened to both Larry and Rupert slip, a fall from a stepladder. He during the first weeks of his sobriety. with a completely open mind. Amcouldn’t recall the mishap that had They reminded him of the fears, nesia had eliminated, not only his wiped out his memory, but the doc- anxieties, and failures he had reveal- prejudices unconsciously acquired tor reconstructed the circumstances ed to them in discussion meetings. from parents and peers, but the confrom the evidence in the den: the Often, he longed to hold his mind ditioning effect of his actual life exupset ladder, the huge, hard-covered blissfully blank, to hear no more un- periences. In their battle for *book lying by his bleeding head. pleasant and humiliating truths. But Ambrose’s brain, it might be said . Already, his brain surgeon and the it was their obligation, they told him, that neither Larry nor Rupert had neurologist were collaborating on a to see that he was restored to full any advantage from the bare terrain. medical paper crediting Anlbrose recollection of every defect of char- Rupert, who considered himself with being the first person in med- acter. an intellectual atheist, warned Amical history to have amnesia as the His AA sponsor, Larry, was dif- brose, “Don’t get hung up on that result of being struck on the head ferent. Larry read to him from the God bit. It’s unscientific and unby a book on memory training. Big Book and other AA litcraturc, provable, and nobody but weak- Meanwhile, many of Ambrose’s emphasizing the Twelve Steps and lings and morons believes it.” friends and relatives were rallying Twelve Traditions. He reinstilled in Ambrose reflected a moment. around, filling his mind with facts Ambrose an awareness of the spiritual “Larry recently showed me a clipthey felt were most important to principles of Alcoholics Anonymous. ping where Albert Einstein, a mathreplace those he had forgotten. His and the importance of practicing ematician, expressed his belief in family gave him daily refresher those principles in all of his affairs. what he called ‘a superior reasoning courses on all of his selfish, incon- When Larry left, Ambrose felt up- power which is revealed in this insiderate actions that had caused them lifted and full of gratitude for the comprehensible universe.’ A power

that Einstein called God. Was Einr stein a weakling and a moron?” ‘y want to be scientifiC like you instructed m e . .. JJ

asked Ambrose with absolute innocence. peated – by anybody.” “Whetl~er or not you believe it of cause and effect. Otherwise, some “He was probably misquoted,” With an effort at patience, Rupert has nothing to do with it,” insisted people would start out as adults, replied Rupert. “Besides, only a few answered his friend. “Look. There Rupert. “For the time being, you’d then revert back into babies, or porof us can understand Einstein. Some are some processes in nature that are better accept it on faith.” cupines, or wheelbarrows.” day, we’ll split a fifth of Scotch and reversible, and some that are not. I “But you’ve been telling me faith Ambrose pondered on this so 1’11 explain his theory of relativity can frecze water into ice, and melt without evidence is unscientific!” hard, his face was distorted in pain. to you. I think better with a few it back into water. You can do it. “Honestly, Ambrose, you’d try “Listen to me, Rupert, and tell me drinks in me.” The lady next door can do it. Any- thc patience of a saint! That is, if if I’m close to getting it. You’re say- “Rupert, may I ask you a personal body can do it! That’s a repeatable there were such things. Now use the ing that over a long period of time, question?” experinlent. Okay?” brains God ga- Use your brains people saw seeds grow into plants, . “Sure,” said Rupert. “Fire away!” “Okay.” and concentrate. There is a force in and babies grow into adults. So it After a long pause, Ambrose got “But-” Rupert jabbed a fore- nature that produces growth and was scientific of them to conclude, the courage to ask, “Rupcrt, were finger into Ambrose’s chest. “I – maturity. lmpelled by this force, by deduction, that an invisible force you ever a baby?” can – not – turn – myself – in- seeds grow into plants and trees. of nature caused these things to hap- 1 “That’s a dumb question,” Ru- to – a baby! Nobody can do that!” Babies grow and mature into men pen?” 1 pert blurted. Then he remembered “Then,” observed Ambrose, “it’s like you and me.” Rupert was delighted. “Now you’ve that poor Ambrose, at the age of absurd to believe you ever were a “I want to be scientific like you got it, Ambrose! That’s a real scienforty-two, was starting from scratch baby. It’s an unscientific premise.” instructed me, Rupert. Show me this tific attitude!” as far as memory was concerned. “Unscientific, hcll! It’s a fact of force.” Ambrose remained in deep con- “Yes, I was. Everybody was once a reality!” yelled Rupert. “For thou- “The force is intangible, invisible. templation so long that Rupert baby. You and me included.” sands of years, babies have been Nobody can sllow it to you.” thought he had fallen asleep. Finally Ambrose gaped incredulously. “I born. Their families watch them “Then what possible, logical rea- Ambrose spoke. “My AA friends don’t believe it. Babies are tiny and grow up into children, into adoles- son do I have for believing it exists?” have been describing things I did soft and cuddly and cute and weigh cents, and then into full-sized adults! “You know it exists,” Rupert when I was drinking. Things that hardly anything. And you are big It happens billions of times, all over sighed, “because you can see the re- made my family unhappy, and got and ugly and weigh 195 pounds.” the world!” s d t s of it! That’s how you know it!” me into trouble at work, and even “Just the same, I was a baby. “It does?” Ambrose was aston- Ambrose mulled this over for a with the law. Then they told me that Forty-four years ago.” ished. long time, painfully hauling escaping after I came to AA, I stopped doing After studying Rupert’s candid “Of course it does, you fathead! facts back into his almost-virgin those things. My family agrees that expression, Ambrose said, “Okay, 1 mean, if it wasn’t for your amnesia, memory as they slipped away. “Why this is all true. Then the AAs told me prove it. Show me. Be a baby again.” you’d remember when your younger couldn’t it just htrl~pen?Why does about themselves, too. My sponsor, “You’re being ridiculous,” snorted brother Bernie was a baby. And there have to be an invisible force Larry -he was locked up in mental Rupert. your own children, Gamaliel and behind it? It could be coincidence.” institutions and jails. He was called “No, I’m not. I’m scientific, like Milhous.” “Coincidence!” Rupert echoed in ‘ hopeless by doctors. He-” you’ve been teaching nle to be. You Ambrose thought it over, eyeing scorn. “That bump on your noggin “Aw, he’s a phony,” Rupert intertold me just yesterday that one Rupert suspiciously. “I don’t see not only wiped out your memory, rupted disgustedly. “He’s just bragscientific test of a principle was how it’s possible. In fact, I don’t be- but your conlmon sense, too! Events b(ring!” whether an experiment could be re- lieve it.” don’t ‘just happen’; they obey a law “But some of the other AAs saw

him in jail and in the nut house!” have for believing it exists?” “But you didn’t!” Rupert smiled Anibrose frowned. This was insmugly. deed a perplexing question. His “Shouldn’t I accept it on faith – mind felt like a dark, empty cavern, like when you told me all us ,big echoing hollowly, mockingly, with people used to be little babies?” Rupert’s question. Then, from some “All right then,” Rupert snarled. mysterious source, came the answer. “So your weak-willed alcoholic “You know it exists,” Ambrose said friends were in jail and insane asy- with quiet conviction, “because you lums. Big deal!” can see the rcwlrs of it. That’s how “My point is,” Ambrose contin- you know it.” ued, “that weak-willed Larry has Rupert arose from his chair with been sober for seven years, and in such violence that he upset Anithat time he’s never been back in brose’s coffee. “You’re hopeless!” he jail or a mental institution. He’s not bellowed. “I never heard such nononly held his job, but he’s been pro- sense in my lifc! I give up! I’m going moted. And his married daughter out and get good and drunk!” wants weak-willed, alcoholic Larry Long after the door slammed beand his wife to visit them and his hind Rupert, Ambrose sat glumly in grandchildren. That never happened his chair, blaming his own stupidity to him before AA!” for driving his old friend to drink. “Coincidence.” Now that Rupert had abandoned “But Rupert, before AA, Larry him, how would Ambrose ever fill couldn’t stay sober. Neither could his memory cells with useful, scienthe others. They tell me there are tific facts? over 650,000 men and women in The doorbell rang. Ambrose call- AA, and none of them could stay ed dully, “Come in.” sober on their own. They say that a Larry and two other AA mempower greater than themselves re- bers entered. Larry held the Big lieved their alcoholism.” Book in his hand. Ambrose waited “Superstition!” Rupert snorted. for his sponsor to speak. “Show me this power!” “Hello, you miserable, ignorant, Ambrose was baflled. Finally, he worthless, misshapen baboon,” grectsaid, “Somebody told me recently – ed Larry. 1 forget who it was – that there are Ambrose looked up at their faces, forces in nature that are intangible. and as Larry’s words penetrated the Invisible. This is one of those forces, cold void of his mind, there stirred I guess. Nobody can show it to within him something warm and you!” bright, and he knew that he was “Aha!” cried Rupert triumphant- loved. ly. “Then what logical reason do I L, H., Denver, Colo.

November 1974 I< *

From the February 1948 Grapevine spoon for injection to bring almost pills before his rescuers appeared on i instantaneous relief to jangled nerves. the scene. When he receives more of i Drunks discovered almost as quickly the same, he may die from an over- Since 1948, when this article was that goofballs would bring at least dose. published, there have been changes temporary escape from the shakes, The AA who gets sober on the in general attitudes, medical opinion, Does a insomnia, or “that depressed feel- program has no need for pills. He and laws on the drugs mentioned ing.” will have days when he feels the here – as well as in the prices. But it is historically interesting that A A Pill J a g Until recently, such pills as barbital and Benzedrine could be purneed for a lift in spirits, when he thinks that he needs “something to members were concerned about mis- chased over the counter at the corner sleep.” He avoids alcohol in any use o f these drugs long before the Count as drugstore. Now, most states require form because he knows that he can’t public as a whole became aroused. a prescription. In some states, only take the first drink. And yet the dry the first prescription is required. The jitters persist. If he knows nothing purchaser simply takes the box back of pills, he solves his problem by to the store for refills. In other !’toughing it out” or by getting tostates, barbiturates must be obtained gether with other AAs to talk it out.

I KNOW a person who is planning to celebrate three years of “sobriety.” He hasn’t had a drink in baby has a worse time than the garden-variety drunk who says, “To hell with it,” and grabs a bottle. by prescription, but Benzedrine and, curiously, paregoric [an opium derivative] may be bought over the If he knows about goofballs, he may end up by using them. He rationalizes that pills are not alcohol three years. He has been a sturdy Physically, he has a much worse counter. and that he, an alcoholic, can take member of AA, often a speaker. For time. Drugs are not eliminated from In New York, where habit-form- pills without any of the bad effects. the past eight months, however, he the body as quickly as alcohol, and ing-drug laws are strict, all of these If he resorts to these drugs and finds has ,been using pills secretly. On a he suffers more. He has no one but drugs may be purchased from boot- temporary relief, he may very well number of occasions, he has appear- another pill baby to discuss his prob- leg druggists and doctors. Prices, de- be on his way to becoming an ed at meetings and elsewhere under lem with, even if he feels so inclined. pending on the supply, vary from addict. the influence of these drugs. Has he He soon takes to the Benzedrine ten cents to fifty cents apiece. Some doctors distinguish between had a slip? Can he honestly cele- habit to combat the sedative-induced And so it is quite easy to get goof- addiction to and dependence on brate three years of sobriety? depressions. Inevitably, he winds up balls. In fact, many AAs, sympa- drugs. But it is absolutely true that The answers to these questions in the old squirrel cage: goofballs, thizing with fellow drunks, carry a goofballs, like alcohbf, develop a seem obvious, but it is surprising hangover; hangover, Benzedrine; supply of pills with them on Twelfth tolerance in the body of the user. how many persons celebrate AA an- Benzedrine, hangover; hangover, Step calls. It doesn’t occur to these The more you use, the more you niversaries while continuing to use goofballs; and so on until he hits persons that they are not only prac- need. The period of relief from the pills. In New York and other large bottom. ticing medicine without a license, drug shortens, and the user compencities, it is by no means unusual to Let’s look at goofballs. Like many but may be endangering the lives of sates by using larger doses. Just like hear of persons who claim long pe- other medicines, they come in tablet, their prospects! whiskey-only the name and the riods of sobriety while they stagger capsule, or liquid form. They come The reason doctors warn against effect are different. around under the strange influence in all colors, even in stripes. indiscriminate use of these drugs is Now let’s look at the effect of pills of goofballs [barbiturates]. The drunks have tagged them the fact that the average layman on the user. Some persons become Personally, I think a pill jag is with many nicknames. Narcotic us- doesn’t know anything of the history elated after a pill or two. Their reworse than a slip. Surely, it is more ers quickly discovered that most of his “patient.” All too often, the actions sometimks are similar to dishonest. Psychologically, the pill goofballs would “cook up” in a patient may have taken a handful of reactions from alcohol. Others a p

pear only to be quieted for a period gram during the period in which he by pills. Symptoms of overdoses are used pills. drowsiness, lack of coordination, There are many cases of drug disorientation, and a general appear- users who suffered permanent brain ance of goofiness. The hangover deterioration. One case on record eventually becomes just as severe as describes a doctor who built up a an alcoholic hangover, but it lasts Seconal habit to sixty grains a day. longer. If the drug is withdrawn im- He was hospitalized for eight months mediately, patients may go sleepless before he began to show signs of for a week. slow improvement. It has been said by observers that Another curious effect of pills on pills bring out all of the worst quali- the body of the user is the fact that ties of the individual. Be that as it pill addicts lose all interest in the may, the reaction is progressive, and sex urge. The drug not only incasoon the user suffers violent with- pacitates the addict, but destroys the drawal symptoms. Because there is desire. This effect often is the factor no odor on the breath of the pill that brings about the discovery of baby, he is often at a loss to explain the habit in a husband or wife. his eccentric behavior. For this rea- The AA who takes to pills is son, he becomes all the more secre- trading the devil for the witch. If tive, guilt-ridden, and frustrated. you are using pills, openly or se- In my opinion, an AA who delib- cretly, don’t try to convince anyone erately gets goofed up on pills has that you’re still sober or living the slipped. He cannot, with honesty, AA way of life. It just ain’t so. claim to have been on the AA pro- I . T.

April ,1975

– -. got a lot to say! But then I ask my- But the phones at Intergroup self, “Donald, how can you lead an bring the Now home to me. Some- Eleventh Step discussion when you one on my line feels insuperable never pray?” pain that only drink can balm. What Three Times I’ve Come Here “Sought through prayer and medi- can I say to him? “Bear with it. tation ‘to improve our conscious Come down. Let’s talk. This pain Now shall we try for lasting recovery? contact with God as we understood is your education. And mine, too.” Him, praying only for knowledge of “Thanks for talking with me,” His will for us and the power to that voice says. “I’ll be right down.” carry that out.” Conscious contact? “Thanks for talking with me.” T HREE DEAD people 1 10% stand in my bedroom, their bones warped, eyes crushed. They stand stuff I’m smoking?) Some atom that’s white-hot clears my eyes, heats my words. I’m willing, God. Power? Now. A 24-hour program called Well, I’ve already researched the Now. I leave Intergroup, floating over me for eight hours. I’m wide Strike me with Your big hand. Ad- Eleventh Step (oh, sure) on visits a feeling much like my pink cloud awake, horror passing in waves from mit some light through my haze. , to the Grapevine’s morgue and in of six years ago, but different, deep foot to scalp. They plead wordlessly, My faith is strong, but not enough. the Big Book, the Twelve and er, earned. with flattened, lightless eyes, that I Just as my first six-month pink cloud Twelve, and As Bill Sees It. But The crucible of the Steps. Invencome off my two-day slip. My first when coming into AA was unearned something’s missing. I can’t lead a tory. My sponsor, my rock. Deeds d.t.’s – and after five years in AA. – except by not drinking-so, too, meeting merely by mouthing Bill W. revealed at last from sea-bottom Horror so convulsive, it’s blissful. my new faith is unearned, a gift. I Donald, pray. muck, foul fingerings, never told be- For my dead to rise up and visit me talk a good program. Act little. For But first, even before praying, I fore, not to wife, doctor, or stranger. -what greater warning? three months, I cut my wrists at find God on July 4, 1972, at Inter- Fearful! Long-hidden, now gone in group, answering phones. Yes, the an electric ,instant of eye contact. For the third time, I throw my meetings, beat my breast about not body onto the big table at my home being active. Put up warning flares. statue gets active. For the first time Cool water healing me. group. Three times I’ve come here, Donald is going to get active! – in five years, I ask for telephone Amends. Write letters, some to utterly winded, to confess a relapse, when his ninety days are up. But I numbers, practice phoning (“Follow people I’ve hurt professionally, one draw on their hope and experience. sit on my nether parts, do nothing. directions”), get a sponsor, join a to a man to whom I owe $1,000. I leave each meeting renewed. What kind of convert is this? Whin- group, am appointed chief coffee He congratulates me on my sobriety, Shame? Surely. But now the full- ing sublimely about faith and hope, steward, lead meetings, get on the wipes out the debt. Take. $300 blooming d.t.3 after two days’ drink- he works not, neither does he reap. speakers’ circuit, and -at last – worth of records, stolen when an ing! To hell with shame! I need A fellow full of strong words, glibly hit the phones at Interhelp. If I active alcoholic, back to the library. strength. Higher Power, I want sur- sincere, bloated with gratitude. A boast, I boast of my weaknesses. Offer restitution. A lady Chinese render. I want rebirth. statue to Bill W.! Where was I for six years? Always, librarian reduces my $300 fine to Something happens. More meet- Jerry and Gordon, our co-chair- with my split mind, hoping some $15. Pay. Return sixty stolen art ings, new vigor, a wonderful lift to men, ask me to lead an Eleventh day to be free of these church base- books to another library. No fine! my words. No room for half-mea- Step meeting three months away. I ments, alive and drinking easefully Admit my last, most deeply covsures or stony jokes.(But what’s that rise to the challenge. Boy, have I in Paris and Rome, away from AA. ered-over slip to both my sponsors. I idealized AA, spoke gratitude con- “I knew you’d slipped,” each tells stantly, and never truly joined, never me separately. , without hope of some day being a My group accepts my relapse on controlled drinker. Never whole- pot-smoking. Again I leave renewed, heartedly, never white-hot. astonished. (Mokused on pot, I

one morning, my wife still asleep, and “Bless Jerry T.! Bless Leonard! couldn’t twelfth-step a stray dog, found myself floating six inches off had no Third Step, no Eleventh Bless Euell!” So many faces, so my bed on a sheet of blue fire, with many identities, not the mere flashes Step, couldn’t get past the pretty blue combers of light pouring to- and specks of my drinking (and pictures long enough to pray. Pot rob- ward me from the living room. I early AA) days! So many rounded, bed me even of the First Step. How told myself, “This is Bill W.3 spiri- ‘living friends whom I have grown long did I delay the Power for that tual experience. My sickness is with since I got active. “Bless Stankid stuff? Even my well-mouthed lifted!” After a while, I was once responses at meetings were veiled ley!” (A poet I sponsor.) Saying again fighting the bottle on a daily over this unself-conscious rosary of by pot haze.) Renewed. A deep basis. And so I learned that a spiri- faces, each with its lighted eyes, breath toward recovery. I’ve had tual experience was good for thirty takes the same gladly given time that several recoveries in AA. Now shall days’ sobriety – for me. we strive for lasting recovery? And I remember, at twenty-eight, meet- a miser gives to his hard cash. And I find myself on my knees at last, now I grip my hands. “Thank You! join AA heart and soul? ing a great genius and asking him, in September, having answered Meetings, meetings, meetings, “Do you believe in God?” Thank You! Thank You for grantphones since July 4, having twelfth- ing me the power to pray. Thank meetings, meetings. Getting sticker- He laughed, his face rosy. “Of stepped, thrown myself into the ed all over with mustard seeds. But course I do! Look at all the useless You for keeping me sober today. Steps, gone to meetings daily, given Thank You for the Third Step.” (I watch that halo, Buster. beauty of the universe, the gorgeous witness – hot witness tempered with July. August. Twelfth-stepping in uselessness of sunrise and sunset, of haven’t had a problem since July 4, knowledge of my weaknesses, back- 1972.) “Thank You for granting me homes. On Bill W.’s advice, I stress flowers, and all the miracles of the sliding~,relapses. At last, I must the Higher Power when twelfth- eye. These have no use in a purely the First Step at last, through the have earned something. That first power of the Eleventh.” stepping, and never fear ridicule. mechanistic universe. A spirit is prayer comes so easily, is answered (Never fear ridicule for praying at needed to receive them, a divine Nightly, I strive for a white-hot right in my marrow. moment which comes now and then your bedside -you may set an ex- spirit.” And so I lived with a reli- The Lord’s Prayer eases me, sets ample!) Any Twelfth Step work I gion of ‘beauty1for ten drunken -a cell-deep, nerve-bush touch of the tone effortlessly for my own first conscious contact open to all who walk away from sober is great years. prayer. At a loss, I say, “Bless this Twelfth Step work. And Twelfth But when I was lying on the sub- seek it. Be willing, but–hammer – on -night! Give me untroubled sleep, so Step work where the Higher Power way tracks with my leg bone crack- that I may awake refreshed” – those prayers like horseshoes. Grab uses me successfully as His instru- ed at four AM, a train bearing down though even a bad dream is an edu- hope like a thief! His ear is deaf to ment -that’s heavenly. on me, my friend’s religion of beauty cation (witness my d.t.’s). Again at mumblers. I begin to know at last the Lord’s Some time in September, without was no response to the situation., a loss. . . . a word of warning, I’m on my And when I drank myself uncon- “Bless Emery!” (My sponsor.) Prayer, for I touch each word nightknees, praying. I remember when I scious with my three-year-old son ly, and feel the breath of AA blow “Bless Jerry! Bless Gordon!” (Our through it. And I begin to know was five and a friend sneered to me, beside me on the front seat, and co-chairmen.) “Bless Jeff! Bless “There isn’t any God!” I feared such crossed the divider into oncoming where the kingdom is – in the big Saul!” I bless each group member table where I am renewed, in the blasphemy, but thought it true. I semis and tractor-trailers on a su- that I see nightly now, and soon remember myself as an airman, perhighway, and suddenly came to, friends I go out speaking with, in other groups I attend are offering these basements in heaven where I staggering into the base chapel at jouncing through a tomato patch at faces. “Bless John! Bless Fran! Bless midnight, and agonizing to God. He seventy mph, a religion of beauty feel daily the power of a handshake, Sidney!” And still others at meetings the glory of a sober eye. didn’t respond. Why should He was no response to the situation. out-of-state. “Bless Jack!” (His powhave responded? What did He have I remember, after being six Don N.,Bronx, N.Y. er of example got me into AA.) to say to a drunk? months sober in AA, how I awoke

April 1975

What’s a slip? From Bay City, Mich.: I drank for twenty-one years before I ever heard of AA. Every time I started out drinking in those years, I drank because I wanted to. But after many of my drinking bouts, it was hell stopping. I must have quit a thousand times in those years and started drinking again the same number of times. I didn’t have a thousand slips. These were all planned drinking bouts. . In 1965, I had my first encounter with AA. In 1973, I had my last drink. This gave me eight more years of drinking. Yet I never had a slip in those years, either. I knew when I was going to drink and what I was going to drink. This ain’t a slip. I think too many young people in AA get the idea that if they don’t have a slip, they aren’t true AA alcoholics. My hat is off to the fellow members that never had a slipand to those that did and have returned. R. M.

May 1975

say “just before.” If you wait until to get to the point of the emergency you’ve endured several weeks of call, or whether I would even have progressive misery or until you’re at made it at all. But I surely have no the Victor E. stage, you and your intention of doing any further responsor are going to have one whale search on the subject. of a lot tougher time getting you I am simply very grateful to my Call Me Early back on the track than you would have had two or three weeks ago. I HP for giving me that “impulse” last night. I’m grateful that He gave think it is reasonable to believe that, me the insight to recognize the imas with any other disease, the earlier portance of early action when I was Don’t wait until t h a t stinking thinking this stinking thinking is detected and confronted with a seemingly unsolv- I operated on, the better the chance able problem, and thereby let me grows into something that’s o u t of control for a quick recovery. skirt one of the pitfalls that I have What if I hadn’t stopped in at encountered during these first, shaky . Jim’s house? I don’t know how seven months of sobriety. much longer it would have taken me I . H., Lawton, Okla.

I ‘D HEARD and read a thousand toward the inevitable end of actual times “Call me before you take drunkenness. Surprisingly, not one that first drink.” I’d always pictured of them was new even to me, a sevmyself resembling the Grapevine car- en-month-old. They were egotism, toon character Victor E. outside the self-pity, reluctance to change me, barroom door, trembling, sweating, and most important, failure to use and almost frothing at the mouth the Serenity Prayer every time and before making that emergency call. as often as I needed it. Sound fa- ‘.Last night culminated a solid miliar? It did to me, too. I’ve heard week of steadily growing resent- it a hundred times from the podium, ments aimed at everyone in general, but, of course, it had never applied with no cause that I could see. I was to me. Jim also lent me his copy of unusually disturbed and unsettled, the Golden’ Book Resentments,* by because I just couldn’t find a start- Father John Doe, which I finished ing place to cure this ever-growing at 2 : 30 AM. cancer inside me. No, liquor hadn’t This morning, I felt great! I smiled entered my mind . . . yet. at the people I’d resented yesterday, After last night’s meeting, on an and I tried to show love. Though impulse (HP?), I stopped at Jim’s they obviously hadn’t read the same house (he’s my sponsor) on the way book last night, today it didn’t mathome. With deft questioning born of ter. I knew I was back on the sponsoring more than fifty “babies,” right road. he uncovered (or led me to uncover) But that’s not the real point to the causative factors in my headlong this story. Notice that “Call me bedash through the dry-drunk phase fore you take that first drink” doesn’t *Available iron1 S.M.T. Publishing Company. PO Box 1194, Indianapolis, Ind. 46206

March 1976

Can we learn from slips? ally functioning reasonably well. Never did I miss a single class because of drinking. When I hear members of the Fellowship discussing what they’ve learned Then, early in the summer, I befrom slips, my reactions are mixed. A gan drinking in earnest. At a dinner I firmly believe that a person who has had a slip can (“must” is a dirty nine-page party one evening, I was introduced word!) use it in only one way: to learn. Six years of slipping taught me a section o f sharing to home-brewed beer and enjoyed it great deal: the danger signs, how to avoid the slip (I never did), and, of from five AAs so much that, in my warped thinkcourse, the consequences of that first drink. ing, I decided then and there to buy On the other hand, wouldn’t I have learned much more in six years of who are finding the necessary equipment and make living the program – sober? W. R. their way my own. I rationalized that I would save lots of money in the years ahead as I relished my own concoctions! I bought the equipment, over the vehement objections of my wife, The Pink Cloud Didn’t Come Back made and aged the first batch, and went through twenty quarts of beer in two days. In spite of a homble hangover, I was mentally undefeat-

I – N FIFTEEN years of almost steady drinking, I had a one-year reprieve my first year in Alcoholics spoke to an out-of-town group. During all that time, the very thought of drinking even a beer was utterly reneeded to continue staying sober. ed. After making the second batch, Then one day, without praying, I didn’t even wait for it to age. I without trying to resist, I bought a drank it green and mixed it with Anonymous. After the period of the pugnant to me. So, when I was told six-pack of beer. cheap wine during a suicidal binge pink cloud wore off, I again devel- that I would probably want to drink For almost a year after that, I that lasted for four days, made me oped a reservation; admitting that I again, I didn’t argue the point, but carried out a program of moderately sicker than death, and caused me to was an alcoholic, I still thought I I didn’t accept it, either. Now, I controlled drinking. I attended meet- miss two days of class (the binge could on occasion control my drink- know better. ings as faithfully as ever, but I no began on a weekend). For the next ing. After that first wonderful year longer actively tried to resist the week, I suffered the agonies of the For a little over a year, I had no and few months, I began to want urge to drink. The things I heard at damned: profuse sweating, elevated desire to drink. When experienced to take a drink. For a time, I resisted my meetings failed to deter me from blood pressure, and the feeling that members of Alcoholics Anonymous – not by calling AA friends and drinking whenever the desire re- I was about to jump out of my skin. told me that the desire would prob- not by trying to remember the ter- turned, and it returned frequently. Tossing in bed, unable to sleep, I ably return, I simply did not believe rible hangovers, the guilt, the black- Many nights on the way home from would get up in the morning shaky this would happen in my case. I outs, the humiliation, the remorse, a meeting, I would buy beer or wine. and drenched in sweat as the poison secretly thought I had somehow dis- and all the other horrible results of (All this time, I was drinking only worked its way out of my body. The covered a magical solution to my active alcoholism – but by saying a those, never whiskey.) Meanwhile, 1 ring of a telephone would send elec- . drinking problem. I attended two prayer to my Higher Power, asking carried on my professional duties, tricity flashing through me, and I AA meetings each week, went to Him to take away my desire to teaching in a small college, attend- had trouble coordinating, thinking, local and state conferences, and drink. For a time, this was all I ing committee meetings, and gener- and talking. My teaching effective-

ness suffered badly, and the guilty fused to swear out a warrant, I and physical suffering. Back to AA, sober through the day, and have knowledge that 1 was shortchanging ordered the policemen off my prop- another white chip, and more VOWS. really meant it, I have been reprievmy students added greatly to my erty in gutter language. For days, I But now I don’t expect a pink cloud ed from a binge. One short beer now physical burdens. could hardly look any of the towns- -and that attitude, I hope, will leads me to binge drinking, with After that week, I vowed never to people in the eye, because I was so help me to a lasting sobriety. little or no control over my behavior. take another drink, began devotedly ashamed of the scandal that existed When things have been going too To me, this is the essence of alcoto read AA literature, picked up a in my mind, if not in fact. well and I have too much time on holism – a self-destructive obseswhite chip, spilled my soul at AA Recently, a dear friend of ours my hands, I am in danger. The de- sion with a killing poison. My only meetings, and expected the pink invited us to dinner. She had worked sire to drink comes upon me with hope for victory in this life-or-death cloud all over again. The pink cloud hard to provide a memorable eve- no counter desire not to drink. At struggle lies in a series of daily renever came. Oh, I stayed sober, all ning. It was memorable, all right, thcse moments, 1 feel completely self- prieves brought about by earnest right – for about a month. Then I but not in the way she and her sufficient, totally able to limit my prayer to God to help me for that had another slip or, as I prefer to friends expected. I arrived half- drinking. 1 do not call on God, be- day. call it, went on another drunk. loaded on three bottles of wine, had cause I want to drink more than I Perhaps the fatal compulsion will This pattern continued until one a few drinks before dinner, and be- want to abstain and I do not want disappear, never to return. But I am night when my wife became fright- came a loud and boring drunk in God to keep me from drinking. My convinced that my best, perhaps ened by my abusive behavior ( I am front of several important people, past sufferings do not even enter my only, hope for lasting sobriety rests sometimes extremely violent when who didn’t even know of my alco- mind. This is a sickness of my total with the grace of a loving God as drunk), and my nine-year-old daugh- holism. I damaged the car backing self, not just a problem with alcohol. He may express Himself in AA and ter called the police, who promptly out of her drive. Once again, I went When I have asked the God of in other caring human beings. paid me a visit. After my wife re- through a week of guilt, humiliation, my understanding to help me stay A college professor, North Carolina

Slip Insurance It’s up to you to decide which policy you’re going to buy at meetings, I made friends with ing one night without helping the I RECALL some advice I was handed when I came into AA, and I still try to follow it, because it made me Type B: Make friends with people who know nothing about the program of recovery and do not use Harry, a contemporary. Harry and I had fun. He was group clean up. He had ‘seemed frantic lately. He was becoming a wonder if slips or relapses aren’t the Twelve Steps as guideposts for newly sober again, having been different man right in front of my predictable. 1 was told they could living. You will find these people around AA for a while. The mem- eyes, and the change did not seem be. are fun and will sit out a drunk with bers of our group referred to him for the better. I decided to take a My sponsor said my sobriety just you. as “On-Again-Off-Again Harry.” chance and say something. “Harry, might depend on what type of slip I thought my sponsor was a nice Harry turned out to be one of my you are into too many things. Why insurance I took out. He smiled and human being, but a bit on the old greatest teachers in AA. While not hang around and talk before said there were two types. Type A: side. I knew what he was saying was growing up in those first few tender you run away?” Without harming other members, true, but I thought it would prob- months in the program, I was inad- “Hey, Eddy boy. Easy Does It. I simply watch their track records; if ably be easier to follow when you vertently doing what my sponsor have to go help Bill. He had a slip.” they are suffering, try to find out were older and wanted to do less had advised me to do: I was learn- “Are you strong enough to go by why, and avoid their pitfalls; travel exciting things with your life. Al- ing from all the people around me. yourself? You only have five months with serene, sober people if you can. though I saw my sponsor regularly Harry began to race from a meet- this time.”

“It’s a 24-hour program, Eddy to one another – cynical, sophisti- to decide now if my own AA life He was telling him about insurance. baby. Bill’s my pal. He helped me cated, negative things. They may was to be filled with strong friends. He was passing along the same mesoff my last slip. Remember, Ed 01′ have required alcohol occasionally If so, how could 1 find them? sage he had given me. He had simboy, I’ve been around a long time. to negate the hostility. But they It was easy. Now, I wanted des- plified it, and it still sounded like See you at the meeting tomorrow.” had each other when the going got perately to stay sober-and I seem- darned good advice. He said it was I did see him. He was outside the rough. They resented the admoni- ed to automatically wind up with up to the individual to decide which meeting hall; his tie was askew, and tion to “stick with the winners.” people who were enjoying the pro- policy he would take out. his hair was uncombed. Harry was They snidely inquired where AA gram. They were the ones who were I haven’t seen Harry lately. I off again and would be back in two kept the official list of winners, so doing the things I wanted to do. guess it’s hard to keep contact when or three weeks. Maybe. they would know whom to hang out They gave their very best in our I am busy trying to keep up my pre- Some time later, I saw Harry with. sharing sessions and expected the miums on Policy A. I do genuinely come back and repeat the entire pro- I was familiar with this type of same from me. like Harry and can’t help wondering cedure, sticking close to his friends. thing – friendships based on weak- My sponsor smiled one night as how he is or where he is today. They seemed able to provide some ness, rather than strength. I see now he was talking to another new mdn. E. S., Manhattan, N.Y. sort of help to one another. They that I did it in the bars myself. I was seemed to be capable of latching on the type who would buy you a drink to bits and pieces of sobriety. My to get booze into you and then bum Pill Problem wise sponsor quietly told me theirs ten dollars from you until payday. I was a sort of Band-Aid dryness that would do something nice for you There are many devils who would lead us into temptation at least prolonged life. After all, he because I might need you later. I so I wouldn’t drink any more. Nosaid, where there is life there is hope. He said it was up to me to decide if that was the type of insurcalled it one hand washing the other. Since my sponsor told me he had seen many so-called hopeless people I T WAS NOT a temptation so much as a conscious decision to take that first drink after I had been dry body would know. And I started for the bottle. ance I wanted. latch on and become great members, in AA for more than twenty years. What had happened? ad I miss- Harry and his gang were fun peo- I was confused. I kept hoping Harry Two ounces of brandy, left in a bot- ed a lot of meetings? No. Had 1 ple. They formed an elite club. I would eventually stop his predict- tle in the refrigerator, were to be “a failed to be active in AA? No. Was still did things with them for a time. able bouts with the bottle. When I medicinal shot” to get me to sleep. I sponsoring anyone? Yes, several I guffawed at the in things they said saw what Harry was doing, I had There wasn’t any more in the house, people. Serving a group as an elected

officer? Yes, reelected. Then how acknowledging that 1 am an addic- member of AA, and having slipped for all the many AA friends I have could I, knowing I was an alcoholic, tive personality. 1 can’t medicate enough times to pave my driveway made along the way. get this muddled? Was it a temp- myself. 1 can’t prescribe for myself with white poker chips, which are Yes, I knew that my life was untation, something all of us have or for you. I really can’t. given in our area of Central Florida manageable, and I did admit that I occasionally? Just that and nothing I t wasn’t until the pills made me for the first meeting without a drink, was an alcoholic during all of the more? No, it was a conscious de- want to drink again that 1 realized 1 now firmly believe that by sharing past six years. But the more meetcision. I started for the refrigerator. they had to give way to the AA my experience, strength, and hope ings I attended, the less I could And became conscious of a prob- program. That was more than ninety with my fellow alcoholics, 1 will be identify with the speakers and their lem. days ago. Since then, I havc experi- able to encourage the newcomer not stories. I was strictly the typical A pill problem. enced some memorable ups and to go down in defeat as I almost did. lonely, “out of touch with the world” I had let my muscle relaxant, my downs (none in pill or liquid form), It’s not necessary to have a slip! (or so I thought) housewife, who antistress agent, my little, harmless- many, many meetings, more under- In other words, these newcomers needed more and more alcohol each looking, five-milligram Valium tab- standing than I had realized existed need to know and understand that day to avoid the loneliness and selflets build up into a habit . . . and the in AA, new, deepened friendships, they don’t have to follow the long, pity that plagued me. next logical step was taking further starting a job 1 can handle without insane, crooked, sometimes tedious My resentments (and I made it refuge in booze. So I recognized the pills, taking the inventory Step p:lth I did to find the kind of sobri- plain to myself and others that I did enemy when it threatened to cause where it hurt, and letting go of some ety 1 am experiencing now. The AA not have my!) grew and grew until me to drink. That’s when I knew I problems. way is simple! I became sick with guilt. The guilt cannot take pills, whether ups, Still, there are awful moments of As for the old-timers, the people was real, because I was sitting on a downs, or sideways. That’s when I depression. But so far, I haven’t who are in a position to claim any lie, and I know now that I had no asked my friends in AA for their regretted throwing away the little number of sober years, the slipper chance of getting completely sober experience and advice. After a full bottle. can remind them that they, too, are until that lie surfaced. 1 am speaking hour’s discussion of my problem, There’s no splendid wrap-up in- only one drink away from a drunk. of tranquilizers and the way I used with a room full of helpful, sincere, spiration in a nutshell to close with. Some of them have a tendency to them. T o me, they were a doctornoncritical AAs, I decided to flush Here is simply another AA member get conlplacent at times, miss meet- recommended prescription, which I the Valium down the toilet. And I going at it in real life, one day at a ings, and eventually get out of touch needed, according to the doctors. haven’t gone looking for it. time, with help from a Higher Power with their main source of continuous (God bless them; they tried to be I am not advising you to throw and friends. help. This happened recently to an helpful.) But I &on found out that away your medication. I am simply Anonymous, Plainfield, N.J. AA member in our group. It was a “crutch” in AA is a dirty word. tragic experience for him, but he I continued to use my tranquilizsoon got back to AA, and now he ers and even celebrated a couple of Can Slippers’ Help Us? has more to give to the Fellowship scattered years, of sobriety, but I than ever before. He is an inspira- didn’t feel good – about anything! A R E “SLIPPERS” helpful to AA? In answer to my own question, I would like to say: Yes, I think so. The preceding paragraph might indicate to some that I am still sicker than others. Perhaps that is true. tion to old and new members alike. I even went so far as to experiment In all honesty, I should say my with vanilla extract to come off the entry into AA was not made with pills, and theh use pills to come off I completed one year of good so- You see, 1 was a slipper. The ad- the purely selfish motive of becom- the vanilla. The idea of drinking briety on August 14, 1975, but this jectives 1 used are correct! In those ing sober for myself first. I was vanilla was given to me “free” by a ‘ happened only after five grueling, years of attending meetings, 1 did ushered into AA by a very support- speaker who had been in the Army wonderful, lousy, euphoric, nervous, experience every emotion I named. ive family, and I might add that as a cook and used to drink it while happy years in AA. Having been a “hard to handle” they are still supportive. This goes cooking. Oh my! We do learn a lot

of new drinking tricks by listening to this article, I would like to repeat: speakers and by sharing at our AA Slippers do have a very useful place tables. One morning, I talked myself in AA. I know that there may be into getting some liquid Geritol, be- many alcoholics new in the program cause I heard someone mention that who, like me, admit but do not acit, too, had alcohol. I didn’t get any, cept (First Step); completely ignore because for once I was wise enough the insanity of the disease (Second to call my sponsor in time. Step); latch on to the Third Step Inevitably, I was sent to an alco- (that way, I was able to blame God holic rehabilitation center, where, for all my troubles!); skip to the by the grace of God, I was compre- Eleventh Step; hungrily take the hensively inventoried and suffered Twelfth Step. Some, as in my case, the agonies of withdrawal from pills, perhaps even have the audacity to go vanilla, vodka, and gin, which I had on Twelfth Step callsalone, completeused unsparingly for about two ly bereft of anything to give (except weeks before my visit to this center. half measures, which availed me I never went to jail, never drank nothing). It’s unbelievable that two in bars after becoming an alcoholic, people I called on have not had as never wrecked a car. But I did reach rough a time as I have had in the a very low bottom -which I know Fellowship. now is quite common to women al- So let’s go, slippers, and everycoholics- right here in my own body: “Keep it simple”; go to meetliving room. ings because you want to; and above To sum up my reasons for writing all, “Let go and let God”! L. D., Ocala, Fla.

March 1976

Reentry after relapse From West Mifflin, Pa.: Regarding your article in the December issue by Dr. Twerski: He makes some astute observations about the alcoholic trying to reenter the program. Having had many years of sobriety myself and then a relapse, I experienced difficulty trying to reenter the AA program to regain my sobriety. Therefore, I feel somewhat qualified to comment on his observations concerning some of the problems he so clearly pointed out. Very few AA members understand the problems facing a person attempting a comeback. Unless the problem is understood clearly, there seems to be no possible solution. Dr. Twerski seems to understand the nature of the problcm that does exist with the relapse; consequently, he offers some hopeful suggestions on possible solutions. Some of his ideas have been floating around my mind, too. But he seems to have unusual insight and the ability to explain clearly. The article gave me much-needed hope that I am going in the right direction and will eventually be put into action, resulting in maintaining a sober mind. E. B.

April 1976

“Your slip is showing.”

May 1976

~irthof a ‘reentry group’ From Denver, Colo.: The December 1975 issue of the He also spelled out another prob- Grapevine contained an article that lem: In most AA groups, there are gave me renewed hope, and resulted few, if any, who have successfully in the forming of a new AA group. reentered after relapse following The article was “To Be Always years of good sobriety. Teachable,” by Abraham J. Twer- Inspired by Dr. Twerski’s article, ski, MD. I submitted a letter to our Denver I had six and a half good years in AA newsletter asking if there were AA, then began coddling resentments any members intercstcd in forming in and out of the Fellowship. De- a “reentry group.” The response was pressed, I hit bottom emotionally quite gratifying. Half a dozen of US worse than I had before AA. I drank showed up for the first meeting. again – short, overnight bouts with Among them are some who, since alcohol for about six months, while their return to AA, have had many still attending meetings. Finally, I years of unbroken and contented sorealized I had to give up this hypo- briety. Our aim is to share our specritical, destructive game. For the cial experience while continuing to last two and a half years, I have becn attend regular meetings in the maincompletely abstinent, but a sense of stream of AA. R. MCC. failure and great loss persisted. Then I discovered through Dr. Twerski’s article that I need no longer exhaust energy trying to regain the original expericnce he calls “the first-growth thrill.”

June 1 9 7 6

Grateful readers – From North Hollywood; Calif. : more interest than before. It was in my mind that we might lose some I want you to know how much I something that was there, and I took of the collective strength in our enjoyed the March issue of the it for granted. It was then taken group by lack of mutual accord. I Grapevine-no doubt because those away, and I was taught just how sat in my truck by the side of the pieces without kid gloves about the important it is to my well-being. road at the top of the highest hi1 in need to work the Steps properly hit Find enclosed our advance pay- New Jersey and prayed to the God home. The issue is one of the best ment for ten Grapevines. L. L. of my understanding to let His peace I’ve read during my five or more come to us, because we all needed years as a subscriber. I wish I was Him so much. Me, too. an “older” reader, but I’ve had only From Madison, Wis.: . I arrived home and read the six years as of last November. The March GV hit home. “Slip- March Grapevine, which I had Wish I could tell D. 0.of Chica- pers” have taught me all of the bought at the meeting. I was reasgo how much his article, “My Nine- softer, easier ways that don’t work sured. I was particularly reassured Step Program,” pleased me while it and that I don’t have to try myself in by the article “Who Ran This rubbed my nose in reality. T. C. trying to practice the Twelve Steps Show?” of recovery. Without the experience This is one of many times the From Edson, Alta.: of slippers in sharing at AA meet- Grapevine has helped me along the After the mail strike north of the ings, I believe that I surely would road during the last twenty years of border ended, we finally received the have joined them myself, and that AA life. Somehow, I never quite got group’s ten copies of the Grapevine. would be fatal in my case, since I around to saying it. I guess it’s about The dates do not matter much to only have this one recovery left in time I said it. Thanks. S. P. me, but the length of time that we my life in sobriety. You see, I was went without receiving this material in the act of committing suicide seems years instead of months. when my sponsor got in touch with Looking with gratitude at all me at age fifty-one, over twelve years events, the mail strike or any strike ago. TED G. seems hard to find good, as so many people suffer. I now look forward to From Sussex, N .J .: iec&ving the Grapevine with much About 2,000 years ago, a great man healed ten lepers. One came back and said thanks. Tonight, after our meeting, I was bothered and restless over what had happened. We had different opinions, and there was some misgiving

July 1976

A A arid Prison -ItWas Only a Four-Day Slip But it ended in tragedy and a setrrrtt to prison

~ I E NI FIRST came into the AA on, I noticed that I was slipping in would soon be in the same position And then it happened. I had-; W program, one of the sayings I frequently heard was “onc day at a school and starting to lose friends. Somehow, 1 didn’t seem to care. The he was. So from that moment on, I followed all the suggestions. I even slip. It only lasted four days, but I will never forget those four days as time.” Until recently, I didn’t really only thing I really cared about was got into a program that allowed me long as I live-because in that short understand what that meant. I was making sure I had something to to go outside the institution once a period of time, I took a man’s life. a person who couldn’t live one day drink. weck, to a meeting in a nearby town. A11 during the time that I waited at a time. I was always trying to live At that point, 1 had an increasing I went to my first outside meeting, for trial, and even after receiving a in the future and the past. I was al- dependence on alcohol. But it didn’t and I was never so scared in my life sentence, I learned a lot of valways trying to avoid my rcsponsibili- bother me: 1 just wanted to keep on whole life. I remember that I sat all uable lessons. But the most importies. Now that I have the time and going the way I was. Then I started the way in the last row. But it tant one is that I am powerless over the patience, I am able to look back getting into trouble – small things seemed that everyone sensed I was alcohol and that my life has become and see what 1 was doing to my- at first and short sentences in a a newcomer, and one by one they unmanageable. If I should ever forself and to othcrs. house of correction later. all came over to talk to me or shake get that lesson, I would be doomed. I was running away, from the During one of these times, it was my hand or just say hello. t G . W . , Bridgewater, Mass. people who c a r d about me and suggested that I go to a few AA One person suggested that I should — pick a sponsor, so I picked the first from the responsibilities that were meetings. I laughed, because I put upon me. But most of all, I was thought an alcoholic was someone two people I talked to, a married running away from myself. T didn’t who was very old and had nothing couple. As time went by, I grew want to deal with people or their better to do than drink. A few weeks very close to these people. They had problems. But most of all, I didn’t went by, and I decided to go to at accepted me for what I was. They want to deal with myself. I was least one meeting. weren’t concerned with my past, but scared to see what I really was, I went, and liked it. But I didn’t with my future. They helped me get rather than what I was pretending like what some of the speakers had into a halfway house when I was to be. I was scared to let the real to say, because it really hit home released on parole. me float to the surface. So I kept with me. After the meeting, I pulled But things didn’t continue to be drowning it with booze. a speaker aside and asked him how so great. I started to change inside I had my first drink when I was I, too, could attain the sobriety and myself. I started to have doubts in junior high school, just to make happiness that he had. He told me about the program and to wonder if niyself look like an adult in other that if I continued to come to the I was truly living up to it. I got a people’s eycs. Then, as time went meetings and followed the sugges- little too smart for myself. I thought tions the Twelve Steps offered, I I had learned all there was to learn about the AA program.

July 1976

Change Your Habits Some folwer quirks call be switchd to help 11sstay sober

M Y SPOP~SOK told ii me, “Man is crcaturc of habit! If you want to stay sober, you have to awareness I gained much more than offsct the temporary inconveniences. I started out by changing all my changc niorc than just your drinking daily habits, down to the smallest habits.” Although I had changed dctail. I rearranged my room so that from alcoholic to nonalcoholic bev- I got out of bed on the left instead critgcs, 1 hadn’t rcalizcd that my of the right. I reversed the placedrinking habit encompassed much ment of niy clothes, shoes, and other niorc than just the content of the belongings. I put my pants and boots drink. on before going to the toilet. I brush- For cxaniplc, niy dcsirc to always bc drinking and hugging tlic great whitc Starting carly in my Army career, ed my teeth before I shaved. I started clean and well dressed in a white clcphant. That hour of morning 1 dwiiys got up at least an hour eating breakfast and lunch. (Later. shirt and blue, gray, brown, or black quiet is used for prayer and meditabcforc the normal wake-up time, I started on the first of many diets.) pants (which really made me stand tion to improve my conscious consupposedly to beat the rush to the I found different routes to and from out instead of blend in with others) tact with God as I understand Him. latrinc. but really to give me time work, the barbershop, stores, and all has remained. Now, though, I take The first examination of my habits to rccovcr from a hangover. I gen- the places 1 went. I found many1 an honest pride in my appearance;. came in .the spring of the year. The criilly skipped lunch. because the ways to gct from point A to point B I don’t dress well merely to avoid following fall, I rcexamincd them to mess ha11 was too crowded, but I without passing a bar or a liquor being different. make sure that I was not returning didn’t mind the crowd in the club store. On the job, I had stayed on time to my old ways. Every spring and at all. I did cat in the mess hall for Aftcr about a wcck of consciously or ahead of schedule with my paper- every fall since then, I have made thc evening meal, but I always thinking about all my actions, I was work and rcports, because I never an in-depth study of why I do what changcd clothcs first. That way, the able to determine which had been knew when I would be too hung I do. This period of self-awarcncss liw would be shorter and I could mcant to facilitate my drinking and over or drunk on duty to get the is an ideal time for a current Fourth save tinie by going straight to the which could bc part of a normal so- work done. Now, I do the same Step inventory. Throughout the rest club after dinner. ber life. I vowed to avoid all the thing because it insures that my of the ycar, as I find new habit pat- ‘These are just some of the more drinking habits unless they could be work won’t suffer when I go on il terns developing, I try to be sure obvious things 1 found when I ex- turncd into habits that would facili- Twelfth Step call (I have an under- that my daily actions will help to amined my daily patterns for the tatc a life of sobriety. standing boss). kccp me and my thinking sober. first time. My individual findings are Somc of the habits I originally I still get up more than an hour If I want to think sober and stay not significant; however, the nicthod wantcd to avoid are thc vcry oncs before I have to start getting ready sober, I have to change more than 1 used may be of interest to others. thilt, put to a niorc practical USC, for work, but now I don’t use the my drinking habits; I have to change The insight and first honest self- hclp mc most in staying sobcr today. time for early-morning medicinal the way I put on my pants as well. Dick G . , Fort Knos, Ky.

October 1976

Is there always another chance? “Don’t do it.” 1 nodded, but 1 was From Montgomery, Ala.: thinking, “Yeah, sure-you did it, Far be it from me to criticize the and now you know you can’t handle publication upon which my alcohol. But you glibly tell me not to sobriety, therefore my very life, so try it-don’t dare take that first much depends. I would, however, drink! ” like to take an opposing view of the The answer was given to me by an opinion quoted by E. R. L. in the AA member of some twenty-five July 1976 issue. He said in his letter, years’ solid growth. He told me “As the man said, ‘It’s much better something I had heard dozens of the second time around.’ ” That times, but to which I had not may be, but I don’t want to check it listened once. He said, “Go ahead. out. It’s your choice. But remember: We To have or not to have a slip was all know we have another drunk left one of the hardest decisions I had t o in us, but the question is-do we face in the first year of being sober. have another sobering-up left in During that period, I met only one US?” STAN P. AA who had not had at least one slip. I became convinced that slipping was the thing to do, that unless I tried it again, I would never know for sure whether or not I was really an alcoholic. Stupid? I was insane! I discussed having slips with several old-timers and some not-soold-timers. ‘They invariably said,

and be useful for another 24 hours. In the morning, I’ve got to get down in that same kneeling position to retrieve my shoes, and while, I’m there, I ask Him for those same things for another 24 hours. I wasn’tlable to accept being an alcoholic until three days after my first birthday, and I was burdened with the compulsion to drink for the Some things t o first nineteen months of my hang on t o sobriety. If I want to go to a while we’re still was upside down (the way my life meeting, I go! If I don’t want to go was). Then, I turned the spoon over to a meeting, I get there faster, hanging on and looked at the convex side, and because these people remind me that everything was right side up (the when I’m thinking not-AA, I am way I wanted my life to be). I not thinking AA. carried a spoon in my pocket for Today, I don’t have everything I eight months, because I was told want, but I do have what I need and time around that table for six and a that turning over the unmanageable can handle. These gimmicks are half months. was just that simple. tools that bumped into me, not me My next gimmick was a key. The I still carry and use the same bill- into them (reminding me of the members of a group I was attending fold I had in my last month of sidewalk that hit me in the face). said that if I made three months, drinking. It is plenty worn out (a AA can help me only if I keep and had my sponsor’s consent, I perfect description of my physical, coming back, because these people I USE A LOT of gimmicks for staying sober. My first was a table. We used this table to eat, to could have a key to the AA clubhouse. Although I no longer live in that town, I still carry the key. mental, and spiritual condition upon coming to AA for the third time). can be aware of my dry drunks only if I continue to hang around. As I feel my key, use my billfold, drink (coffee by the gallon), and to t These people explained to me that Today, I keep only one pair of light my cigarette, wear my shoes, sit and talk with one another. I was if by some miracle I could make a shoes. At night, I shove them to the remember that table, and read the told that as soon as I got off work I year, I would be given a lighter. But very center of the floor, underneath names of the thirty-four people who . shbuld clean up and sit at this table I needed another gimmick to last my bed, and tell myself that as long signed my first birthday card, I may and just watch the passing parade from the key to the lighter. Sitting at as I am down here on my knees, I by the grace of God be able to pass and listen. At least ten times a day, I supper one evening, I happened to may as well thank God for having it on for 24 more hours. had t o be told to sit down, shut up, peer into the concave part of my helped me to stay dumb, do good, J . M., Kinsley, Kans. . and listen. I spent most of my free spoon and noticed that everything I

I 1″; February 1977

Design for Disaster – Seven steps in the wrong direction 1. Hide the truth. Keep your emotions, ideas, and behavior carefully hidden. Reveal just 4. Nurse your guilt. Increa:;e it by enough to keep people guessing. continuing to do things you know Play the word game with your spon- you shouldn’t do. sor, doctor, or minister. This can be prolonged for years and can even be fun. 5. Invoke the Deity. When anyone gets too close to the truth q ‘I\ ‘,?

2. Blame others. Whatever your predicament, it’s somebody else’s about what you’ve been up to, call fault and responsibility. Start with for a time of prayer and devotions. standard scapegoats like your par- Any reference to God will throw ents, spouse, brothers, and sisters; others off the track. expand t o include your boss, friends, psychiatrists, and Congress. 6 . Assume people are out to get you. It’s only logical. If everyone is 3. Threaten. If you don’t get like you, they’re all out to get what your way, threaten to break things, they can. Beat them to the draw. run away, or hurt someone. Best threat is suicide. Remember, the threat is the name of the game. You get no points for carrying it out. 7. Nurse resentments. Face it people are always doing little things to annoy you and tear you down. Nurture all grudges in your mind and heart. Avoid checking your ideas with reality. Under a thick skin of secrecy, a little pinprick of annoyake can grow to a festering sore of madness. C. B., Plainview, Tex.

September 1977

“Why don’t you come to the meet- is today, not yesterday. As a coming tonight, Bill?” parative old-timer, I already know “I’m ashamed to.” the catch phrases, the slogans, the Perhaps the sound of these words gimmicks that had been fresh and from my own lips made a change helpful once before. It is hard to reoccur. Or more likely it was the sin- capture the magic I once felt as a After nine years cerity of the man who sat beside me. newcomer. The desire to drink sits of sobriety, can In any case, I went back to AA, to on my shoulders like the old man of try again. There was no shame, no the sea, every hour of every day. a drink be recrimination, no uncomfortable To counter this, there are Step feeling at all. I just came back. What meetings, which deal with the basics. had happened had happened. What And watching the power of AA work Just a Slip? is gone is gone. with new members. And believing I would be less than honest, though, that the desire to drink will pass if 1 did not tell you there is a differ- through the understanding of my ence the second time around. Today friends, which is the power of AA. A FI EK N L A H I . Y nine years of sobriety – good sobriety – I picked up a drink. This was not the and defenseless. I had weathered worse storms before in the cornpany of other alcoholics, but this time I W. C., Bloomville, N.Y.

same as a slip in the first few weeks started a dialogue with the lawyer into test the truth of slatenlents heard side me, who was the devil’s advocate. in AA. Many of us flounder about a I lost the case, naturally, because the bit before we surrender. decision had been handed down prior In the midst of a bitter quarrel, I to the lear~ledarguments from both got out of the car, threw the keys at sides. my wife, and strode off to the near- The drunk lasted two years. I t est bar. For just one drink, one drunk. lasted through three jobs and im- Just that night. I couldn’t stand the measurable domestic hell. It outlasted tension any longer. the respect of my sons and the love Of course, the drunk did not stop of my wife. Just a slip? Oh, no-a that night. Nor was the decision to contrived decision, no matter how drink really made at that unguarded unadmitted or unconscious. I made moment. I t had been made perhaps the wager thal could not be won. I two or three years before, when I bet a night’s drunk against a sober started finding fault with nly AA life at thousand-to-one odds. meetings, with the cliques, with the A few months ago, I was sitting sameness. I felt I had made a fool of in the public library, ashamed 10go myself by trying to innovate proce- home. I had locked my wife out of dures to liven things up. Finally, I our cabin the night before, forcing went only to token meetings – doing her to walk miles, to a neighbor’s it by myself. house. As I pretended to read, an AA When the crunch came, I was alone member sat down and spoke to me.

May 1978

W HEN I FIRST Came into AA, the old-timers, my sponsor, and everyone else drummed into my head that never again must alcohol pass my lips. Beware, they said, even My Three of such things as cough medicine or First Drinks other remedies. Read the labels to make sure there is no alcohol in the medicine-because, they added, once Twice it happened alcohol in any form is taken you’ll by accident, be off and running on another drunk. They scared me to death. but the third time I took to reading the labels on was different Coke bottles. I had nightmares of being hit by a car, lying in the street, dering of Heaven’s anger, and the ale as I had done a thousand times fight whatever against the first drink. . and finding some eager-beaver am- hell of another drunk approaching. before in a thousand bars as a police This time I had not thought of the; bulance man attempting to revive me After a moment, I opened my eyes. officer on duty or as a guest at a social consequences at all.” ‘.. by pouring a shot of brandy down The world was okay, the party con- gathering. I had no mental defenses. Even me-and I would come to in the tinuing, all things normal. I still held I was feeling depressed. It was my self-knowledge didn’t help. I entered. I hospital a raving, craving drunk. my honest desire not to drink. I birthday, and nobody had remem- a year of horror, helpless and h o p e ; Then, in my second year of con- pushed the offending glass aside and bered, and self-pity oozed from my less. I traveled all the way to the . 4

tinuous sobriety, the terrible moment got a fresh one-ginger ale only. soul. gutter-where I then belonged. came. At a party, I had been drink- It happened again at a party during By rnistake,’the barmaid put a shot Finally, the agony of my drunkening ginger ale. I picked up the wrong my eighth year of continuous sobri- of bourbon in my ginger ale. I took ness caused me to crawl across the glass-one that had a hefty shot of ety. But now I knew what to do. I a swallow and felt again that fear- floor to the phone and call M.Two ; bourbon in it. I took a big gulp. Like closed my eyes, asked God for help, some heat travel down my gullet. I men from the program were in my.. fire, the drink burned its way down then went and got a booze-free soft didn’t set the glass aside and reorder filthy, bottle-littered room within:: and exploded in my gut with the heat drink. plain ginger ale. twenty minutes. They took me o ~ t , ~ and force of an atomic bomb. It worked. I had now taken two “What the hell,” I said to myself, of my hole and got me dried out. a

Nobody had warned me that a “first drinks” with no dire conse- “I’ve taken one swallow. I might as A week later, I attended my “first”$ mistake like this could happen. I quences. I felt confident that as long , well finish the drink. So what can AA meeting, on crutches because of$; had no idea what to do. Had I been as I held to my AA way of life, and happen? Big deal, one drink.” alcoholic arthritis. I started all over: condemned again to drunkenness? I continued to want sobriety, there was I didn’t ask my Higher Power for again, and for three months of meet-‘; did the only thing I could think of. I no way in the world I could “ac- help as I had with the other “first ings never said more than “My name ‘ put the glass down, closed my eyes, cidentally” get drunk. drinks.” The outcome was predict- is Woody. I’m an alcoholic.” Mean-,? and said, “Oh God, please help me.” In my ninth year of sobriety, I took able. I got drunk and stayed drunk while, I set out to learn the AA pro- $ I didn’t want to drink. My desire that “first drink” again. This time, for one solid year. I blew nine years gram like any beginner. . ,.r’i.>. , was honest. the outcome was different. I was a of continuous sobriety. As the Big It worked. .5..: , I expected the earth to be rent cop staked out in a bar, for a man Book says on page 41, “Not only But then, it always does. , ,:&a

asunder, bolts of lightning, the thun- we wanted arrested. I ordered ginger had I been off guard, I had made no W.C.,Ajijic, Mexico’. f

One Sunday Afternoon Who knows what might result from a chance encounter?

T HE FIRST of my three home groups is the Laguna Beach Wednesday-night speaker meeting. slow down slightly as a drunk came out of a bar and stepped directly in front of me. It was Bill, a former Here, in the summer, from the back secretary of our Laguna Beach porch, one can watch the sun drop group. He had had a slip and had reinto the Pacific Ocean. Recently, my cently run off from a Laguna hoswife and I attended an AA con- pital alcoholism program, leaving vention in Manhattan, an island of some of his clothes behind in his rush seven or eight million population in to get away. a bay of the Atlantic Ocean. When 1 spoke to him, he recog- On Sunday morning, the conven- nized my wife and me, but declined tion ended, and everyone we knew in to have dinner with us, because he Manhattan went home. We stayed “had to meet a man.” When we inon as tourists and continued to walk sisted, he foggily came along for the streets and enjoy the sights and eight to ten blocks, but then decided especially the people. We saw the he couldn’t make it, because he had rich and the poor, the sane and the to go in some other direction. obviously insane; we saw drunks I told him where we were staying sleeping in the streets and prostitutes and held on to his hand as we said walking the streets; we saw a couple goodbye. I expressed my amazement of winos panhandling and trying to at the coincidence, asking, “Why in take advantage of a young couple the world d o you suppose ‘we met who were totally bombed out of like this?” their minds on drugs. We saw cheap He looked at me a bit bleary-eyed, shops and very expensive restau- .thought awhile, and said, “Maybe rants. some day we’ll know,” On Sunday afternoon, we walked And he walked away. And so did forever trying to find an open coffee we. shop. As we walked along, I had to P. 0..Santa Ana, Calif.

July 1978

I Came Back to AA I WAS INTRODUCED to AA when I was in a state prison in 1967. I had drunk up two marriages and sev- We had been told that all speakers who came into the prison were paid $9.00 for speaking, and I believed alcoholic. I got out of prison, went to AA meetings, and did as I was told-but daughter whenever I want to. I am writing this in a hospital bed, because I have been having some eral jobs and had missed other op- that. But when my friend the banker I didn’t believe that I needed AA or physical problems lately. But now I portunities because of my alcohol- came, I wondered why he would God to stay sober. The obvious thing have faith that God won’t give me ism. But I did not think I had a prob- drive seventy miles in a snowstorm happened: I got drunk, for one more than I can handle. lem. It was always bad luck, people for $9.00. So 1 asked him what the night. Then I went back to AA, de- Since I’ve been sober, I have been against me, etc. angle in this AA was, and he very ciding that I needed AA to stay able to start an alcohol treatment They say that you can’t be forced wisely told me to read the Big Book, sober, but still feeling that I didn’t , center with the help of many others, to go to AA, but the assistant war- because it was all there. need God. Again, the obvious thing ‘ some of whom are AAs themselves. den made me an offer I couldn’t I had heard of the Big Book but happened: I got drunk, and I stayed That was five and a half years ago. refuse, so I agreed to honor the AA had never bothered to read it. I got drunk for seven months. When I Four years ago, I was able to start a group with my presence. After a few the book, read it, and saw myself in came back to AA this time, I was halfway house for alcoholic men and months of attending the mandatory it many times. From that day on, I whipped, mentally, financially, spir- women, again with lots of help from meetings in prison, I heard an “out- have never doubted that I am an al- itually, and physically. I believe I others. The same judge who senside” speaker I knew as vice-presi- coholic. I wish I could tell you that I had to be in order to reach my bot- tenced me to prison now releases dent of a local bank, and he made an have been sober ever since, but I had tom. people in my custody-even one impression on me. to do more than admit that I am an I came back to AA March 16, who was charged with murder. 1971, and everything has been im- I realize that none of this is mi’ proving steadily since that time. My own doing. It has been made posfirst wife talks to me, and my three sible by Alcoholics Anonymous and oldest children know me and aren’t my Higher Power, whom I choose to afraid to say they know me. My call God. I think the greatest gift that daughter is in her second year at a I have received is that I’am happy touniversity. My second wife is friend- day. ly, and I can see my youngest D. McG., Wallingford, Vt.

July 1978

‘But I’m Only Human’

How MANY times have we heard another member or members say, “But I’m only human”? They Wouldn’t this give us a greater spiritual desire to practice in our daily lives, not only all Twelve Steps, use this cop-out after a slip or after but Steps Five and Eleven especialrepeating, with monotonous regu- ly? Wouldn’t the Serenity Prayer larity, some action their sponsors take on much greater meaning have cautioned them to avoid, as a through these endeavors? direct threat to sobriety. I honestly believe, with all my be- The fifth chapter in the Big Book ing, that our Higher Power (or God tells us, “We claim spiritual progress as I understand Him) loves us allrather than spiritual perfection.” To He just doesn’t like our behavior. I most recovering alcoholics, this am positive in my belief that He progress is a lifetime goal, which answers us through other people or they sincerely and honestly try to situations when we sincerely try to work for on a daily b a s k Rarely do turn our will and our lives over to they say, “Perfection? Impossible! His care. He knows that we are Progress? Maybe, because I’m only human. But I am also positive that human.” when we constantly take back this Wouldn’t it be to our own mental will and this life, with monotonous and spiritual satisfaction to work for regularity, we have no license to use daily progress with the hope of near the excuse “But I’m only human.” perfection as our ultimate goal? J. A ., Coopersburg, Pa.

August 1978

I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN my AA honeymoon, which started in September 1943. All I could see were relapse. My four-year honeymoon was followed by four years of increasing disillusionment. In my first exposure to AA. Only in the last three have I been blessed with growth in sobriety. I still lapse into to talk much about love, but I must feel it. It seems to grow naturally once we set ourselves on the AA happy people with the welcome hand mind, I became too good for my fel- faultfinding, but I recover before I way; we don’t have to try for it. out and a joy of living so obvious low AAs. In contrast1to what I’d allow stinking thinking to erupt. 1 In my mind, the greatest talking that all seemed to be well with the done at first in AA, I looked at all have to reverse my thinking. point for AA is that no one seems world. the human frailty. This attitude has The road back is tough for any- able to abuse it past the point of When I heard someone say with a way of blinding us to our own one. I had t o “go t o any length t o get redemption. All things are possible enthusiasm, “I’m glad I’m an alco- faults. it.” Foremost in this effort were an in this spiritual program. Nothing is holic,” I believed it. Skepticism has In eight years of being dry, I’d appreciation of all the miracles I see impossible with the Higher Power. a way of disappearing under the con- never really taken the First Step, or I in AA and an effort to be under- The blessed point of surrender is tagious joy of self-discovery. What a wouldn’t have taken it back. I’d standing instead of looking for the one ingredient essential to the berelief to be rid of the guilt feelings never really believed that I needed t o something to arouse my disapprov- ginning of sobriety, as 1 see it. As harbored in alcoholic frustration! be “restored to sanity,” o r I long as 1 surrender every day, I can , al. I look for inspiration rather than What a help to know that I had an wouldn’t have had that first-drink misapplication of principles. There’s keep sobriety and improve its qualiillness, instead of being a moral moment of insanity. O n down the plenty of both-we can find what we ty. Then I can see all the glory of AA leper! line, Step by Step, I’d skipped the look for. I’m not by nature inclined -what I want to see. My honeymoon lasted about four whole program. E. C., Santa Barbara, Calif. years. I saw my life turned around. The road back for me almost The pleasure of AA associations was failed-five relapses, and I’m still just a part of it. I accomplished more amazed that I was able t o come out in my work than I’d dreamed was of the last one, several years ago. My possible. Honors, money, and the story is simply a rewording of the admiration of others seemed to third chapter in the Big Book. I can come so easy that I didn’t stop to get add to “some of the methods we ‘down to the business of changing my have tried.” Pride made me more defects of character. Perfectionism, determined and obstinate than anyfaultfinding, and preoccupation one else 1 know who made it back. with material accomplishment began from the jaws of death. ?I

to take over. I’ve had about twenty-two dry After eight years, I had my first years out of the thirty-four since my

October 1978

It isn’t easy to know what to do

When an Old-Timer Needs Help A LL TOO OFTEN in our AA lives, conversations and situations like the following arise in one to do or say when an old-timer slips and you face the job of twelfthstepping a man (or woman) who has my front door drunk. The shock almost cost me my own sobriety. I fashion or another. more years and more knowledge of had no idea what to do for him or “Hey, Fred.” AA sobriety than you. What’s the say to him. All I did, really, was “Yeah?” solution? watch him drink, a sad terror and “C’mon with me. I’ve got a I’ve been on both sides of the helplessness filling my heart. Fear Twelfth Step call to make.” problem and still don’t know. held me frozen. If he could get “Okay. Who is it?” When I first came into AA, my drunk, with all his wisdom and “We’re going to see George. He’s sponsor was a big, hearty, outgoing knowledge of AA, then it could hapdrunk and called for help.” guy with twelve years of sobriety in pen to me, too. I felt threatened and “George? You gotta be kidding. the program. With his booming insecure. George drunk? Why, he’s been voice and quick way of moving, he Looking back now, I realize all I sober eleven years. One of the pulled me after him into AA as a did was twelfth-step myself, praying hardest-working AAs I know.” powerful magnet draws a particle of to my God for help and understand- of Step meetings, intergroup repre- ,

“Don’t tell me. He’s the guy that iron filing. He told me what to do, ing, praying this would never hap- sentative, public speaker,. convenbrought me into the program. And and I did it without question or pen to me. My sponsor never made it tion platform headliner, and all the now he’s the one who needs help.” hesitation. I was entirely ready, and back to the program. rest, I got drunk. The reasons are not There is a long silence. Then, whatever lengths he demanded of Later, I went out several times on pertinent to this story. The way I was I perplexed, bewildered, Fred says, me, I went to willingly. (A year later, Twelfth Step calls to “veterans” twelfth-stepped back into AA is. 1 “But what are you going to say to 1 discovered he was a “by the book” who, after six, eight, even twelve Maybe it offers one clue, one way of him? What can you say? What can guy, and everything he told me was years of AA sobriety, had gotten handling a drunk old-timer, and you do? George has more years in straight from the Big Book.) I built a drunk and were desperately seeking others may find it useful when they Mthan you and I have combined.” special pedestal for him in my hall of their way back. Some made it. Too face the task. , . “I don’t know. Pray, I guess. heroes. many didn’t. And despite these ex- I had left the country and buried C’mon, let’s go.” I had four years of sobriety and periences, I still didn’t know what to myself at what I was sure was the end There is probably no more vexing, was living in another city when he say or do. of the world, where I would never be disturbing problem in AA than what (my sponsor and hero) showed up at Then came my turn. found. I didn’t go with the idea of After years of sobriety as a leader drinking, but to escape other prob-

I .

lems, which were beyond resolving. I words “It’s the local clubroom for searched his face and his smile in- said, “Would you please help me get fled to a foreign country, to a tiny – AAs.” And he continued walking tently, looking for a sign of into a hospital so I can dry out? It’ll . village where there was no AA but away. smugness, cleverness, or triumph. I take medical help. I’ll never be able lots of drunks. I joined them. Slowly, I got out of the car and found only love and understanding. to cold-turkey alone.” Then one day, coming out of the followed him-mainly, I guess, be- And still not a word from him. Five days later, still shaky as a little market by the plaza with my cause it didn’t seem to matter one “Sam,” I said, “you know what I newborn colt, I appeared at the front half gallon of rum, I looked up and way or the other to Sam whether I need now? Really need?” door of that building that looked iqto the face of an AA member from followed. “What?” like a home, knocked, and entered. I my own city back in the U S – a Inside, the room was typical AA. “I’ve got to have a drink.” walked up to the first person I saw man I’d known well. I scurried away On one wall was a large poster with “Okay,” he replied, “let’s get you and said, “Hello, my name’s Woody like a mouse running from a tomcat. the Twelve Steps. Another held a one. ” and I’m an alcoholic. I would like to Of course, he found out where 1 poster with the Twelve Traditions. We got me one. We got me many be a member of AA.” lived, and he “dropped by just to say Other signs with AA slogans dotted that night on the town, and not once I was home again. hello. ” the walls. Sam was busy in one cor- did Sam mention my drinking, AA, So maybe that’s one way to Then began his strange way of ner, talking quietly with several men or anything remotely connected with twelfth-step an old-timer. Maybe twelfth-stepping me. He did it with and women. No one paid any atten- my drinking. you don’t have to say anything. Just silence. Total silence regarding my tion to me. Nobody spoke to me. Sam twelfth-stepped me with expose him to what he’s left and lost. drinking. Defiantly, I made and Not even “hello.” silence. Silence that let all my Chances are, he’ll know what to say gulped a drink in front of him. It I sat down, alone, far removed , memories of the good years in AA and what to d o better than you. It’s provoked no comment. Not even a from the others. My eyes lifted to the flood back into my heart and an approach that can work. glance of surprise or dismay. He poster carrying the Twelve Steps. I ‘ overflow down my cheeks. It did for me. merely said, “I’m going into – [a began to read them, saying the The next day, I went to Sam and W. C., Ajijic, M a i c o major city some distance away]. words silently to myself. I felt tears How about coming along? We’ll fill my eyes, brim over, and trickle have a night on the town, hit all the down my cheeks. I made no effort to joints and nightclubs.” I agreed. stop the tears, wipe them away, or When we drove into the city, Sam disguise them. I wept silently. , said in a casual way, “Do you mind? Then Sam was standing in front of I’ve got to stop at this place on some me. “Okay, I’m finished. Let’s go.” business. It’ll only take a couple of He saw my tears but said nothing. minutes. Okay?” Back in the car, he kept his eye on “Sure,” I slurred, already half- the road and kept his silence. Tears bombed. continued to wet my cheeks. Finally, We pulled up in front of a building I turned to him. “Sam.” that looked like someone’s home. He looked at me briefly, then “Want to come in with me? I’ll only turned his attention back to the trafbe a minute,” he said. fic. “Yeah?” Suspicion crept into me. “Wha’s I said, “You s.0.b. You know this place?” what you’ve just done to me. You Sam was already out of the car. know damn well.” Over his shoulder, he tossed the Sam looked at me again, smiling. I

January 1979

How responsible are we? From Decatur, Ala.: “I am responsible.” Can we all ed and received help. And think real say that? T ~ Omany times, we aye hard about “But for the Grace of guilty of taking an attitude that says, God.” “Old Joe’s had another slip. Who the hell does he think he is? I helped him through his last slip, and he stayed sober for eight months. Well, let him tough this one out by himself. I don’t even want to see him.” Think again, my friends. Old Joe may not be as strong as you. His I have been guilty of these things problems may be much greater than in the past. But after much soulyours, And he is surely suffering searching, hours of meditation, more this time than he did before. more personal inventory, and His remorse is more intense because earnest prayer, with the help of the he has not only let himself and his same God who lifted me from the family down again, but he has also gutter, 1 will from this time forward let his new friends in AA down. He be there to render all possible help has not personally affronted you by for any hand that reaches out, c. w. getting drunk again. So for God’s sake, don’t abandon him now. He needs you more than ever. Do you feel disillusioned because he still owes you a little money? Or maybe he has lost the job you recommended him for. AA does not say, “Help him one time, and if he does not make it, to hell with him.” Think how many times Bill W. need-

February 1979 Honesty

Offand running in AAatom of a Slip too busy to bother with all the Steps, too proud to take an inventory

G UESS WHO went out for a week of “additional research”? AA has really ruined all the good of become involved if a “cause” appeals to me, and AA really appealed. I was warned, “Don’t get too needed more time before going forward oh the Steps. 1 continued the meetings and all the other activities. he didn’t know! I looked like hell, worse than the first time I showed up. An AA woman took me to a Scotch for me. In fact, I was sicker lonely. Don’t get too happy. Call.” Got myself exhausted, too, but meeting that night. We talked. I this time than before. I’d like to tell But it didn’t really sink in. Anything figured I’d catch up on sleep Satur- finally began to do my Fourth and you what happened to me so you I’ve ever been involved in has re- day. I didn’t make it to Saturday. Fifth Steps-slowly and honestly. don’t d o the same thing. Let’s at quired time and produced some By Thursday, 1 was down-not Today, I’m writing it all down to least make different mistakes! But, I fatigue, so what’s new? I set myself depressed, just blah. 1 finally picked complete Four, and 1 will finish Five pray God, no slips. up perfectly. I never saw what was up the phone and called a friend- on. Wednesday. What I needed was a 1 “took” Steps One, Two, and happening. Honestly didn’t see! But but not an AA friend. He told me ex- good swift kick to make me see that I Three-bingo-no sweat. After all, a flicker of a thought in the back of actly what I wanted to hear, and I wasn’t learning anything or being Two and Three especially weren’t at my mind warned me gently (so I paid was off and drunk right after work. really honest, and I got it. I got a all strange to me. Then I sat back; no mind to it) that something wasn’t Couldn’t work Friday. Told every- cruel kick from the Scotch that I Four and Five could wait awhile. I quite right. one I was going to Philadelphia for loved, that had been so much fun. I led a meeting on Step Three. Every- Then I participated in a couple of the weekend (to see a doctor about never thought of it as my friend, but one thought I was doing great. AA really good Fourth Step meetings. my knee), so they wouldn’t call and I realize now it is my enemy. No perreally took. After that, the compli- Tried the Fourth Step and gave up interfere with my Scotch. That did son ever hurt me worse. ments were fantastic when 1 gave a on it. Another warning ignored. the trick. They didn’t call. This time around, I will be open, couple of secretary’s reports. Didn’t talk it out with a soul. I 1 went to work on Monday and not pridefully hiding anything that In truth, I was doing what I’ve should have known I wasn’t being had my first long lunch in two bugs me. If I get tired, 1’11 hit the always done. Just reset my old pat- honest with myself. That’s why 1 months. At dinner on Wednesday, sack. I’m learning slowly, and I’m terns around AA. Didn’t know it, couldn’t do the Fourth Step. I my non-AA friend had the nerve to beginning to realize how much there though. I was doing all the “right wouldn’t admit there were things tell me that my drinking was too ex- is to unlearn, as quickly as I can things” just for habit’s sake. I t was bothering me sufficiently to keep me pensive! recognize it and let it go. 1want to let so easy to be with the pleasant peo- from getting really sober, instead of , Thursday, I did the first sensible go now. ple, going out for dinner, being just dry. thing in a week: I took time off from I don’t think I have a good drunk busy, useful, and sober, too. People Naturally, I didn’t tell anyone. I work and slept awhile. I called an left in me. I don’t think I would surtold me how great it was that 1 got to knew I’d be able to handle it. After AA friend before I started drinking vive it. That week 1 slipped was so many meetings. Nonsense! It was all, I loved AA, so if 1just waited, it that day, and promised I’d go to his worse hell than all my other drinkthe most natural thing in the world would be okay-time, that was what anniversary that night. We met later, ing. Believe me! for me. I’ve always been ready to 1 needed. 1 drank for years, so now I and I told him 1 was drinking, as if N. O., Beltsville, Md.

July 1979′

sometimes think we know it all, and said it again now, then added, “I that spells real trouble.” haven’t learned much in AA yet, ex- “Maybe,” Joe acknowledged. cept that now I have a choice. So “But I still feel there’s more to it.” every day I say to myself, ‘With It went around the table then, God’s help, I choose not to drink to- ‘I Just each person sharing an experience or an opinion, offering a possible day.’ Whatever else I learn in this program, I hope I always hold on to Took One!’ answer. Some recounted a past relapse; some, a near miss. Among the that simple idea. Joe, you said the thought of drinking never entered speculations: resentment, dishones- your mind. Well, maybe the thought ty, ego, complacency. of not drinking never entered your Still, Joe. appeared baffled. He mind, either.” seemed to want something’more, a As offered with the fresh insight singular idea he could grab on to. In of a beginner, could this basic, unhis need, each of us sensed a deep complicated idea be the answer that need af our own. Joe, that all of us, should never lose Then Marie spoke. She was a new- sight of? comer, sober only a few months. Was it as simple as that? It was. N ATURALLY, everybody wanted to know what happened. Well, not exactly what happened – as ine. “If anyone can tell me why I did it after all these years, 1’11 be so grateful.” Until this moment, she had said little more at meetings than “My name is Joe smiled. “Thank you, Marie,” he said. Marie and I’m an alcoholic.” She D. B., Gulfport, Fla. alcoholics, we all knew that – but After a moment, George raised his why it happened that after fifteen hand. “You just said the magic years of active AA sobriety, Joe word, Joe: ‘grateful.’ Maybe you took the first drink. forgot gratitude. When life gets hec- Now here he was, many drinks, tic, we sometimes forget that, and bottles, and drunks later, back at the our thinking gets way off base.” closed meeting, weak and pale, but Joe nodded. “Possibly, but I dry. We all felt deep concern for don’t believe that’s the whole him; but, as much for our own sakes answer. I thought I had a good spiras for his, we wanted to hear what he itual program going. I thanked God had to say. every day for my new life, and was “I don’t know how it could’ve always willing to carry the AA meshappened,” he said. “The thought sage or help out wherever 1 could.” of drinking never entered my mind. 1 Sarah, another old-timer, spoke was standing there talking with a next. “You attended meetings reguclient at a business meeting, like I’ve larly, Joe, but did you always listen? done a hundred times before. The Occasionally, my mind wanders at waiter came by with a tray of cock- meetings or I start thinking ahead, tails. The client took one. And I – I of what I’m going to say. After all took one. I just took one!” The this time, maybe it was boredom or wonderment on his face was genu- self-importance. We old-timers

August 1979

‘Now .for. .Drinking’ I Had a Reason drunkenly stumbled, it was because I was blind, not drunk. My family and friends overprotected and pitied me, and I wallowed in self-pity. During man who presented it to me was later asked by his wife why he hadn’t taken the chip to the “poor blind man.” His reply was overheard: “If the last few months of this way of the blind little so-and-so can find his life, I would cry to the God of my way down to the corner liquor store understanding to help me – help me every day, he can find his way up -handicap Until he discovered his real to be able to drink, for I needed it to here to take a chip.” live. Sometimes, He would help me. Those words, spoken so crudely, Sometimes, He would tell me to go but with love and understanding,

A FTER BEING dry in AA for nearly two years, I considered myself armed with enough selfcourse! I admit I’ have a drinking problem, but I’m not that bad yet.” 1was repeatedly warned that I would to hell, and I would! One day, in desperation, I drank my own vomit, and it was then that I were an answer to my prayer. They erased any self-pity or any reservations I may have had about what my knowledge to be able to control my go totally blind if I ever got in the knew that I was powerless over real handicap was -alcoholism. My drinking, After all, there was too same condition from drinking again. alcohol. I had reached the “yet” life was transformed from alcoholic much to see and too much to d o But no medical advice could stop point in my life. Through the grace darkness into spiritual light. before I stopped drinking complete- me. The result was that I was dis- of Cod, I was given my choice of Now that I have accepted what I ly. I wasn’t that bad yet. In the next charged from the hospital because I heaven or hell, and I called Alcohol- am and what I am capable of doing three years, the progression of the was caught drinking. ics Anonymous for help. – first of all as a sober alcoholic, disease took me through hospitals, Now, I had a fixed income from In this part of the country, the AA and also as a visually impaired per- I

jails, divorces, loss of jobs, and loss Social Security and VA disability groups offer a white poker chip as a son – I find that there are stumbling of my eyesight. pensions, and I had a reason for token of surrender and of joining the blocks, but with the aid of the ‘ It was not by an accident that I drinking – 1 was blind. At a rehab Fellowship. I stumbled on the way Twelve Steps, I have not fallen. -became visually disabled – it was center for the blind, I had no trouble R1 K., St. Augustine, Fla. through the abuse of alcohol. 1 was at all in accepting my disability, and up to take my white chip, and the in such deplorable physical condi- was taught to be able to function in a tion that the pressure within my sighted society. All I had to d o was body had to be released, and my eyes practice some simple steps, such as served as a faucet. For three days, listening to others and becoming over a Labor Day weekend, the doc- aware of my surroundings. I was tors labored over my eyes to control told, “Easy does it – watch your the hemorrhaging, but to no avail. step and you won’t fall,” and Not only was I going blind, but at “Don’t be ashamed to ask for help. the same time I was experiencing my You can’t d o it by yourself.” All of first case of DTs, because I was these suggestions had a familiar unable to drink during those days. ring, but I couldn’t relate them to the When I was asked by the admit- AA program and my real problem. i tance officer in the VA hospital what So, after I mastered the use of the / I wanted to be treated for – blind- blind person’s white cane, I set out ness or alcoholism – I indignantly on my new way of life. The only difreplied, “Why, for my eyes, of ference now was that when I

August 1979

Newcomers

Welcome Back!

still thought I could get by with a need booze to function and live a I DID NOT realize that AA would offer me a new life and a renewed way of living. At first, I just wanted people tell their stories and wondered if I belonged there. “Am I an alcoholic? Do I have these kinds couple. I soon ended up ,right back normal life. where 1 started. I have learned to live a day at a an escape from drinking. When 1 of problems? Maybe if 1 stay long Coming back to AA was harder time, and not let things get the best surrendered myself for help, I walk- enough, I can learn how to be a than coming the first time. “What is of me. I try to keep my cool and ed into that first meeting, after tip- social drinker. I sure hate to give up everybody going to think of me? work things out. I have learned how ping a few to get the courage to go, all that good stuff and fun.” Will they accept me back?” When I AA can help me and anyone in need, without knowing a soul or having After a few meetings, I opened my faced the painful, humiliating fact how the program gives us strength any idea what to expect. ears and began to identify with what that I had had a slip, I was ready for against that first drink. I am Finally, I made it through the 1 heard. 1 soon learned that I was not what AA had to offer. thankful for that strength. I pray the only one who had those par- I learned to do away with my that others who need help to come door, into a room full of strangers. stinking thinking. I learned that I through the doors for the second Soon, someone came up to me and ticular problems, and that others were ready to help. didn’t need the “friendship” in time, as I did, will find it. It is here shook my hand and welcomed me there. I was introduced to others; Now, I know there is no way that I bars, that my best friends were here for the asking. can be a social drinker. But then, I in AA, and most of all, that I didn’t R. M.,Newport, N. Y. then the meeting started. 1listened to

September 1979

only because my Higher Power only a miracle was going to stop me! drastically shaped the events leading And, of course, I had already decidup to my not taking that drink. ed that miracles don’t happen-to Whenever I toy with the idea that me. having been a high-bottom drunk is There I stood, vanilla in hand, unsomehow beneficial to my sobriety, screwing the cap from the bottle. As it always comes to mind that for the I raised the bottle to my lips, a little first year I was off the sauce, my blue banner across the label caught wife took great care to buy only my eye: “Nonalcoholic.” I threw nonalcoholic vanilla and other ex- the vanilla across the kitchen and tracts. She wouldn’t have thought screamed my frustration, but I that advisable if I had established didn’t drink-there wasn’t anything. my track record only at the high- to drink! toned spots, now would she? Booze Later that afternoon, when my is booze, and I’d had a problem wife returned, I told her about the with all of it. I never asked her to do experience, adding sheepishly that I away with the alcoholic vanilla. As a made, not only a lousy drunk, but a matter of fact, I didn’t even know lousy “slipper” as well. She had a she already had. thing or two to tell me, too. The first After the first year of sobriety, I was that she had been careful to buy settled down considerably. I had lost only nonalcoholic extracts for the ‘ 7 Home Alone weight and was exercising; my meetings were regular; I had made first year of my sobriety, for fear that just that sort of thing would . progress on a Fourth Step . . blah, happen. Then she told me she had blah, blah. Comfortable sobriety! figured I was over that sort of thing, I ALWAYSthought that the chapter “We Agnostics” in the Big Book was for the other guy. Trouble with in spite of myself? Nonsense! As a matter of fact, I had heard it said again and again: My sobriety was a The farthest thing from my mind was anything like vanilla extract. My new attitude must have showso she had gone back to the regular products. Now came the kicker! On her last shopping trip ,the week believing in a Higher Power? Not “daily reprieve” contingent on the ed, because my wife started buying before, something made her switch me! I came from a religious back- maintenance of my spiritual condi- the real McCoy again. Of course, she back to the “safe” kind of vanilla. ground; had no trouble at all in tion. In my mind (and that’s your never mentioned it to me, because She couldn’t explain it-just a feelstraightening out the kinks in my clue right there!), this meant that she hadn’t mentioned that she had ing she had that it was better not to spiritual affairs since getting sober, nothing could be expected from my ever stopped using it! be a part of something I might not be over two years ago. Well, there was Higher Power unless I worked for Then it happened: At home alone able to handle. . . thing, a minor point. . , one . it. I had faith, all right-faith that -and for reasons that I don’t even Coincidence? Sure, that’s a good Miracles! Those, too, were for the my Higher Power and I worked on a Femember very clearly-I was going word for it. But does “coincidence” other guy. They were properly part tit-for-tat basis. I thought 1 could to drink. I had to drink! Forget the have an interest in my sobrietyof another age. Oh, they kept men stay sober like that. meetings, the sponsor, everything I even when I don’t? Even when my from being blown apart in war or Now I’m not so sure. At least had learned and loved in AA. Damn interest, such as it is, is feeble? What kept crippled airplanes aloft; but a once during the last two years, I’ve the torpedoes, full steam ahead! I don’t know keeps me sober, too! miracle that would keep me sober- stayed away from that first drink That moment was at hand-when R. S., Eugene, Oreg.

February 1 9 8 0

of Right Thinking

This AA found that happiness does not mean feeling high

0 N E CRY kept echoing through my head: “God, is this all there is? Is this if?” Something had Resorting to the extremes that an alcoholic like me normally does, 1 decided to end it all. I knew very well The phone did not even ring. And then, it suddenly occurred to me that I had a choice t o drink or not to from doing anything over the phone. With the intention of again telling at least part of the whole world that I

, 1 happened. Nothing was happening -that’s what had happened. When I wasn’t looking, stinking thinking had slowly crept in and was taking all I had t o d o was to stop taking my insulin and simply drink myself to death. Before commencing, I allowed as how I would give this Higher drink as I darn well pleased. An AA friend had told me a while back about her sponsor, who one was going to get drunk and die, I halfheartedly followed the advice t o call another member at times such as this. Well, this AA friend, answered 1 day had decided that God would over. Seven months of sobriety had Power a chance to save me, so 1 just stop her from drinking, and so she with: “Oh, I was just going to phone flown by as I sailed and floated from defiantly stood there demanding, entered a liquor store, bought a bot- you to tell you that I have a surprise AA meeting to AA meeting. Sud- “Okay, God, if You are really there, tle of vodka, went home, and got for you. May I bring it over tomordenly, 1 found myself down on this then show me some kind of sign that drunk all by herself. I’m sorry, row?” And so I found myself talkhard, cold earth, and I did not like it. You want me to stick around.” 1 folks, but the day does arrive when ing about my sad state of affairs. I found myself desperately trying waited. Not a single thing happened. that decision is yours and yours I dialed another friend in AA, and other means to get back t o wherever I waited some more, but the only alone, it seems. we talked some more. In between I had been for the past months; I was voice I heard inside me was saying, ny sheer chance (I wonder), I did these two calls, I had put a cake in in hot, determined pursuit of happi- “Go ahead. If you want to drink, go remember the silent telephone. Quite the oven, because I wanted t o go out ness, of pleasure, of fun and excite- ahead and drink.” a few other times in my life, you see, in style by leaving my husband with a ment. I was no longer content to end I puzzled over this a little while. I had decided to d o myself in, but I’d nice homemade cake. When it had the day by merely saying that I had No miracle happened-no blazing had to let the whole world know been in the oven about ten minutes, not taken a drink or a pill and had at- light, no heavenly voice bidding me about it first. There couldn’t be any my sponsor called. That’s right-the tended a meeting. if that was life, not to drink-nothing. What a harm this time in a phone call or cake burned while we talked. By well, I no longer wanted it. shock! I was on my own, after all. two; no one really could stop me now, it was time to fix supper, and

then it would be off to another of yet another institution and/or us between the seventh month and instead of goodbye to the world. those AA meetings. wouldn’t even die. If I really wanted the second year of sobriety-the “Is When I told my sponsor how I had None of these people actually told to do the job properly, the advice this all there is?” syndrome of typed all afternoon, and when I then me not t o drink. In fact, they all said continued, I should get a gun and, recovering alcoholics. We come off made a slip of the tongue by saying the choice was mine. My sponsor with careful aim, shoot myself the honeymoon, and this is when we how much 1 enjoyed it, she laughed, just chattered on about how much through the mouth. That sounded a really begin to work AA’s Twelve because she agrees with the Big Book progress I had made in such a short bit too indelicate for me. Steps. It was nice to be able to go up that happiness is a by-product of time, saying that I was probably on a To top off this discouraging to him after the meeting and thank right thinking and living. There is no ‘ dry drunk, and other things that wisdom, my friend’s surprise that him for seemingly talking straight at high today, but I sure feel fine. My seemed of no particular conse- ‘ next day turned out to be the type- me. life in reality is now in session, with 1 quence. But I felt good by the time I writer I’m typing this article on. It’s Tonight, I know I am not only its ups, its downs, and sometimes 1 hung up. And since my friend was an unused one, too, which needed an able to type, but am doing so on a even its nothings. There will be more going t o give me a surprise. . . well, I appreciative home. beautiful gift from an AA friend. I times, I’m sure, when I will say, “Is 1 could postpone the beginning of my My sponsor called again today am able to fill a couple of pages with this all there is?” But I hope that end until the next day, without too (Friday). I really don’t like to follow my honest thoughts and feelings. I before taking that first drink, I will much trouble. directions; but tonight, halihearted- know very well it would not be possi- again postpone the fatal act by talk- “Life is now in session,” my ly, I went to a different meeting from ble if I was not sober, and that gives ing about it at meetings, phoning sponsor told me the next day. She the one I dutifully attend on Fridays, me a twinge of pleasure. AA friends, or even telling the whole had heard a speaker say that, and it because my sponsor had suggested Tonight, I am grateful that I did world that 1 intend todo myself in by had knocked her clean off her sum- that going to other meetings might not slip. Even though I went through getting drunk. mit of self-pity and boredom more help to get me out of my AA dol- only a few days of stinking thinking, Nobody-including God-actualthan once. drums. It just so happened that a 1 now know I was neglecting to use ly told me not to drink, but with Someone else at the next day’s man over twenty years sober talked, the tools of AA. Today, I decided to help, today has come and gone, and meeting told me that if I followed my and he spent his last fifteen minutes , say farewell to my frantic search for I’m still sober. plan, I’d more than likely end up in describing what generally happens to happiness, pleasure, and excitement, B. M., Goleta, Calif.

March 1980

in there for days, so it was not just wife was not there. I got my car and sobering up for them. I would have some clothes and some of my tools, gone clean out of my mind if I’d had which I wanted to hock for enough to stay any length of time with them. money to live on.

Fresh Start & One man around sixty was so out of it, he drank from the toilet. They had a wash basin in there but no I knew the first thing I had to do was get rid of anger and resentment. God showed me the way. I went water, and he rinsed his white shirt from Seattle to the town in Washingout in the toilet. I really felt pity for ton where my sister and brother live. another man; he was young, around I found out from her that my other

B EFORE MY slip, I went to AA meetings when I felt like it, and thought I could work the Steps at twenty-five, and he babbled and laughed at nothing. This was my first gift from God: sister, in Mississippi, was down with a broken leg, and I knew that my brother-in-law had been an AA home with my Al-Anon wife. I Even though I had heard in AA what member for the last eight years. So thought I was all right or, to put it can happen to us when we drink, my way was laid out for me. I sold simply, that I had graduated. that day I saw. my ’63 car and my tools and flew to It was before Christmas, and I had Then, to my dismay, I was handed Mississippi. problems leaving alcohol alone. But my charges. They were: number one, I was welcomed. Bless them, they I did. Then, two months after assault on a woman bartender with didn’t coddle or push me, but let me Christmas, I had some medical bodily harm; number two, assault- alone to work out my problems myproblems, and when I should have ing an officer. I couldn’t believe I self. They had three acres of grass, been at meetings, I lapsed into drink- had assaulted a woman. When I got like a park, and I got there in the ing again. I purchased two six-packs to a phone later in the day, I called spring of the year for the first cutting of beer – the twelve-ounce size – the bar where I had been the night – and it was work, but it was peace. and figured I’d watch a movie on TV , before (even though I didn’t remem- I prayed and prayed for guidance. that evening. During the day, I ber it). Sure enough, they confirmed After feeling God’s forgiveness drank that beer, but I couldn’t get my charges. and this took time – I came to the drunk. So I went to my wife for a the police were there. So I went on For twenty-seven days, I sweated realization that I was fortunate; check to purchase more beer. We by and into a bar. 1 ordered eight out my time in jail. I realized well here, I had a real beginning again. had words, and like a child, I had a shots of whiskey. I remember being that drinking was not for me. On the All I had were my clothes and hand tantrum and threw a dice game at at that bar, but I don’t remember day of my release, I was handed tools, and the Serenity Prayer and her. leaving there. It seems 1 went to divorce papers, and in them it said the Twelve Steps as my spiritual Finally, I got the check and drove another bar, driving and parking my my wife was in fear of me. Honestly, tools. to a nearby grocery store to purchase car nicely-my wife confirmed this I couldn’t blame her. Also, there was I went to as many AA meetings as more beer. The store was in the when she picked the car up a day or a restraining order against my going I could in that area-Hemando, process of being robbed! So I turned so later. I don’t remember either go- home. Eudora, Senatobia, and Southaven around, went home to call the ing into the second bar or leaving it. I had had enough of jail and surely in Mississippi, and Whitehaven in police, and found that my wife had I came to when I was being booked didn’t want to go back. But as I had Tennessee. I tried to get work there, taken her car and gone off some- into jail at l : l 5 AM. worn the same clothes for those to no avail. I can’t overemphasize place-to our daughter’s, I was told They put me in a tank with four twenty-seven days, I had to change how much God was leading me all later. I went back to the store, but wet brains. These four men had been clothes at least. I went home, and my this way, as I was using the Third

Step and really feeling it. I found over until I could get a paycheck. that I had only given lip service to First, I went to the union hall and the Third Step before; now, it is the got a job, to go to work the next most important Step for me. morning. And then I called my wife. 1 came to the decision that, since 1 asked her if she would have a sandmy doctors, my hospital, my union, wich with me, and we met downtown and my family were all in Seattle, I and talked. God had been with her as would go home, although I had in- well as with me. Together now, we tended to leave my family alone for a are working the Twelve Steps and year. On.the plane, I was setting taking it one day at a time. plans as to what I would do when I I don’t have anything without that arrived, and it came to me I might Third Step. What I learned pushing call my wife and say hello and get her a lawn mower will stay with me. I am feelings. When I arrived in Seattle, I working on the nos in my life-no picked up my luggage and toolbox alcohol, no anger, and no resentand took a cab to a cheap hotel, as I ment-one day at a time. only had enough money to hold me D. S., Seattle, Wash.

June 1980

Among the Lucky Ones

where I’d receive help? And more . 0 NCE MORE,1 find myself a part of AA after my recent slip. Few emotions, I’m certain, can comawakened there, instead of in a jail cell or a park. 2. Since the slip had taken place on a crossed my mind while I sat there with my silent friend. Many times, I’d been thrown out of my favorite important, AA help is free, even though the cost of qualifying for AA pare to those we have when we’ve weekend, there was still a job await- watering hole, only to return the is extremely high. gotten the courage to come back and ing me. following weekend without guilt or I realized, after I got back, that I face the group. 3. My nearly two years of sobriety shame; so if I had not been ashamed was among the lucky ones, so I Most who have followed my path had improved my mind enough that to return to places where I made a promised myself that I’d pay more and gone out for more research will I was able to sit there and at least try complete fool of myself week after attention in the future and use all of agree that when the initial phase of to make an honest judgment of life week, why in God’s name should I the tools that this program offers. our return is over, there is no feeling as it had been, was, and could be if I be ashamed to return to a place F. S., Silver Spring, Md. that can top the joy of knowing made the right choice. we’ve made the right choice. Only an insane man or woman The guilt, remorse, and just plain would have gone for another bottle. misery that haunt us when we get That had been my choice for years, sober again seem, paradoxically, to and in making it, I had also accepted give us strength, as we listen to AAs everything that went with it, insharing their experiences with the cluding the prisons, road gangs, rest of the group. These people are D.T.’s, and many, many trips to passing on to us the things that this emergency rooms. new way of life has done for them, As a child living in the country, I and are bringing to our minds those captured a wild rabbit. My grandmany painful experiences in the past father explained to me that I’d ruin that are proof – if we need such the rabbit’s life if I tried t o tame it proof – that we cannot safely take and then set it free when I realized the first drink. that it couldn’t be tamed. Like the Before returning to the group wild rabbit, once tamed, I am unable after my slip, I sat in my apartment, t o fend for myself if I am returned to ‘ alone. As though talking with a the wilderness outside AA. silent partner, I began taking a men- AA is the only place left if I want tal inventory. to continue to be the person that I 1. I had an apartment and had was before my slip. Another thought

September 1980

Getting Back to Basics fl

T HERE I WAS, one swallow away from that first drink! There were problems on the job and in my was soon filled, then a second, a third, and it seemed as if all the poison in my system was draining personal life, and to top them off, I out the end of my pen. Suddenly, my had been going through a divorce. writing terminated with the words The whole world was collapsing “Accept the things I cannot around me; nothing was going the change,” as if by magic! way I wanted it to; I wasn’t getting After reading over and over what I any answers or solutions. had written, 1 saw there in front of There was just a bit of coffee left other AA members in the club. In strangers. I’ve always been unable to me the causes of my depression, in my cup when I set it on the bar at the background of my own misery, I tell my troubles to anyone.” anger, resentment, and many other the Alano Club. As I went down the faintly overheard them discussing al- I left the club without speaking to things that had been bothering me hallway to the men’s room, my cohol, alcoholics, and alcoholism. anyone, got into my pickup, and over the past several months. They thoughts wandered somewhat but Coupled with my own miserable drove off. Not too far away, I found had finally come to a head and afsettled on the idea that when I thoughts was anger at those few peo- a shady little park, pulled in, walked fected all aspects of my personal, returned to the bar, I’d finish that ple in the club, because they weren’t over to a nice large tree with a picnic vocational, and social life. My selflast bit of coffee – then go out acknowledging me, they weren’t table, and sat down on a connected esteem, ambitions, and personal somewhere and get drunk! asking me why I was down in the bench. I took out a pad and pen that relationships had been hurt. My ego, When I returned, however, my dumps or what was wrong. I use constantly for making notes, security, sex life, and job had been cup was full again. Well, I’m not one Somehow, a message worked its and began writing. Things went interfered with. As I initially reto leave a full cup of coffee behind, way into my clouded brain: “Going slowly and were somewhat labored viewed the past several months, it so I sat a while longer, resumed my out and getting drunk won’t help to at first. Eventually, my feelings of appeared the whole world and the indulgence in self-pity, and finished solve my problems at all. Oh Lord, self-pity, anger, frustration, and people in it were wrong. The harder I off the coffee. It was early morning, what am 1to do? It’s too difficult for resentment began to flow easily fought, the worse things got. People and there were only two or three me to spill out my guts to these from my pen to the pad. One page just weren’t doing things the way I

wanted them done! contact with my AA friends, in- off duty, I averaged about two meeting’s being discontinued I am a fire captain with the cluding my sponsor, and forgot and meetings each day. After several of because of lack of support and the California Department of Forestry, forsook all I had been exposed to these meetings, I realized I was ex- raising of the rent beyond our ability and during those miserable months, during those three years of sobriety. periencing a spiritual feeling, a feel- to pay. My mind began racing. I had I hadn’t let anyone forget it. I had It was the perfect setup for that first ing I’d never had before. It didn’t been unable to attend meetings on gone around with “Captain” drink! come like a bolt of lightning; it just Mondays because of duty at the fire stamped on my forehead so every- Although I had taken over the kind of crept up on me. I was finding station. All of a sudden, my one would know who the boss was. I management of my will and life, one I God, as I understand Him. I was be- thoughts became vocal. I said, was like the actor in the Big Book thing remained in my favor – I had ing reborn again. (I feel my first “Why don’t we meet at the fire stawho was trying to run the whole continued to pray to my Higher rebirth was when I originally came to tion?” Everyone was delighted with show but couldn’t get anyone to co- Power. As it turned out, He still had AA.) I turned my will and my life the idea, so I told them I’d check operate. What a revelation for me! a good hold on my reins. Having suf- over to Him and asked only for with the chief the next day. Again and again, I read those fered injuries while fighting a fire, I knowledge of His will for me and the The next day, I did just that, and pages. I objectively searched for was directed by my physician to take strength to carry it out. This I do the chief said, “Do it!” We now mistakes I’d made. I found I’d been some time off to recuperate. The every day now, and I find it makes have three AA meetings in otlr small selfish, self-centered, self-seeking, first thing I did was go to an AA my life simple and much more community (plus one Al-Anon meetand dishonest with myself. No meeting. During that meeting, I was rewarding. ing) at the fire station. wonder I was frightened! I hadn’t able to regain some old acquain- Whatever I am doing at this mo- AA has helped me find a new way paid attention to what others were tances, especially one with a friend ment is His will for me. When things to live, a new way to search inside trying to tell me, and I hadn’t tried whose counsel opened my eyes to begin to go sour, it’s because I am my soul, and a new way to find and to understand their feelings or what had happened to me. trying to manage everything, and it’s communicate with God. It’s a good thoughts; I had only gone busily One meeting was now under my again time for me to take a personal way to live – free of resentments, about trying to satisfy my, own belt, and with the ice-breaking out of inventory, then return the control to anger, and booze. After almost wants. the way, I felt a little sorry for Him. Through His management, blowing three and a half years of Six months prior to this day of myself. As these feelings began to good things do happen to me. sobriety, I know I need AA, with its great revelation, my weekly diet of mount, I wanted to go somewhere to One evening, shortly after my simple concepts and teaching, if I AA meetings averaged three. be alone and sulk. On the way to revelation, I stopped at a small cafe’ want to stay sober and enjoy this Because I felt bored, unentertained, somewhere, my trip took me by the near my home for a cup of coffee. new life. or whatever, I gradually slipped house of a friend I had brought into Who should I run into but a couple I have a responsibility to share my from three meetings to two and then AA, and I stopped to visit. During of AA friends! We had a mini AA experiences, strength, and hope with one, then decided none were needed. our conversation, he reminded me meeting for about an hour right those who may want what we have, My superior thinking concluded that that it had been five years ago that there in the cafe: All of us showed including other fire fighters. I had stayed sober almost three years day since his wife had died. He ap- concern about the Monday-night G. G., California and therefore had my problem lick- peared to be feeling pretty low, so I ed and didn’t need AA. During that asked if he’d like to go to a meeting period, there was too much time on with me. His face lit up with a great my hands, so I took a second job. big smile as he said he would. This My eating habits became irregular, took my mind off going somewhere and the diet became insufficient. I to sulk, while I attended my second was tired most of the time and meeting of the day. couldn’t or wouldn’t sleep. I lost During the next few weeks, while

‘*’ F e b r u a r y 1981 Three AAs describe their experiences with slips

I began to hallucinate in my room. listened and found things that I had

I AM ONE of those AA members who have had to attend two “first” meetings. After I made a I returned to AA and had my second “first” meeting. Now, I was willing t o identify rather than comdone. People talk of the “yets” things they have yet to do. I don’t desperate call to my minister one pare. It seemed as though other AA worry much about “yets” anymore; Sunday, he sent an AA member over members were telling my story. the “agains” would now be bad to see me. I agreed to go t o a meet- While I am certain that the drunka- enough for me. ing. As people spoke up around the logs were much the same as before, I R. T., San Francisco, Calif. room, I listened for something in each member’s talk that I hadn’t Slips done. I was trying to compare and not to identify. First Sure enough, I found that each speaker had done something that I Meet[ng hadn’t. I thought I was in the wrong dace. They gave me a copy of the ;wenty qukstions, and although I answered most of them “Yes,” I felt it was some sort of come-on. I could have answered most of those questions in the same manner at the age of sixteen. Maybe they were after my money. To please my twelfth-stepper, I attended meetings for about a month but still listened for things I hadn’t I T HAS BEEN said that no one is at home in his own heaven until he has learned t o be at home in his own varying periods of time attending AA meetings during dry spells, before I started having any sobriety. done. At the end of that month, I hell. My disease of alcoholism put During my years as an active changed addresses in the hope that me through hell as far as I wish to alcoholic, I knew the waterfront those AA members couldn’t find go. Thanks to AA, I can be grateful bars in most parts of the world, but I me. for and appreciate life today, with never saw anything else of foreign Having given them the slip, I went all of its ups and downs, to a far countries. I had two broken homes, on a slip of my own. My drinking greater extent than ever before. If and I lied to my mother, father, lasted for another year and a half. this is heaven, I like it! brothers, sisters, wives, four sons, During that time, I indeed lost a very I came to AA for the wrong rea- and anyone else who would listen. C” c L” good job, fell $3,000 into debt, and sons. I was as dishonest as a person The lying, I know now, was to justi- <,.” Y 3 sold my car, my stereo, my TV, and can get, after twenty-five years of fy my disease of alcoholism. I was a c, % much of my clothing. One morning, alcoholic drinking; but there must good con artist – I even came to 0 0 0 avow 0 – 0 o,ooO-O.,-o v -0 goo,o have been a very small spark of believe my own lies. 0 D O D O 0- O -0 honesty left someplace inside me. It When I arrived at AA, in 1965, I PO L3-0 0 L 3 0 0 D ~ o ~ , O ~ o oO o 0 o U O <- 0 0 Qzz” ..took another eight years of period- was carrying a bag of guilt that .;icallypicking up the first drink, with weighed at least 300 pounds, and

that was difficult for a middle-aged, just like me when I was dry and not days, I do. Today, I can accept the because their width and depth have 150-pound man. I could identify sober. fact that I have limitations; I don’t changed completely. I never know with some of the speakers I heard at Now, it hurts me when I hear a have to be perfect anymore. My val- what the next mile and the next set of meetings. Fortunately, I found a speaker in a meeting with only drink- ues have changed considerably in my Steps will bring, and this makes group where the Steps were empha- ing experiences to share – until I re- six years of sobriety. Most of the traveling the road more interesting sized. Dishonest as I was, I still knew member that I had no sobriety for a time now, I am honest, and my toler- and absorbing all the time. instinctively that sharing the Steps long time in this program, either, ance seems to be improving slightly. My hell was a bruising and painful could help me. In no way did I think and that I tried many times t o give At some point in every mile on this experience. I have no desire to return of my life as being unmanageable; away something I didn’t have. Re- road to sobriety, I find Twelve Steps to it. Sharing sobriety has given me the problem, I then thought, was membering this seems t o help my I must climb again if I am to con- the best life I have ever known. If just all those unmanageable people tolerance, and just may help me go a tinue. Sobriety allows no detours. this is heaven, I hope I choose to around me. little further down the road toward Often, it seems that somone must keep it, just one day at a time. Looking back on my AA life, I sobriety. have rebuilt a articular set of S t e ~ s , 0.McR., Starke, Flu. realize that other members’ sharing What sobriety I have, I did not of their strength and hope has helped find by accident. At one time, I slips me the most. Not surprisingly, those thought that I got sober, that I did it were the members who were at- all. But the only thing I did was get tempting to straighten out their own sick and tired of living in my own lives through the Steps. Icould iden- hell. The heaven I know today came tify with members who shared only their experiences with active alas a free gift from a Higher Power now understood as a loving Father Minute by 1 coholism, and I knew they under- who has always watched over me stood me. But the primary benefit I from people in AA who were happy received from them was a reminder t o share sobriety with me, and from of my own miserable experiences. I the beautiful Twelve Steps. could stay dry for short periods of Sobriety is a road I can travel totime just dwelling on my past, and I once made a whole year this way. But it never lasted, and I was certainday if I so choose. I can never obtain perfect sobriety, but I am finding that I enjoy traveling toward it. I MET DOLORESat my second meeting in Alcoholics Anonymous. I was the newcomer, and she was the ly not happy. At least, I proved to Some of the things I have found so veteran. She had six months’ sobrimyself that if I am not happier with- far on this road are joy in living and ety in the program and was actively out alcohol, I will eventually drink breathing and faith in the rightness involved in the group. Her counteagain. and goodness in the universe. For nance reflected the inner peace and I have learned in the program that the first time in my life, I know what happiness she had derived from her I am not unique; I am like other al- freedom is. I have found some peace new life; her eyes shone with enthucoholics in many ways, including be- of mind, which I believe has come siasm. I was seeking what she had ing able to achieve only dryness by slowly as a result of learning to know achieved. sharing drinking experiences. I have myself, like myself, and then love My life had truly become. unmanknown members who stayed dry for myself, with enough left over to loy ageable. Therefore, I reluctantly adas long as nineteen years this way, others. mitted I was an alcoholic and surbut these, without exception, were Today, I have no fears. But . rendered t o the program of Alcohol-

ics Anonymous. It was my last hope; was arrested for drunk driving. I was I came into AA totally defeated confined to psychiatric wards of a meeting that was conducted at the other AA members whenever I enmentally, physically, and spiritually. city hospital on two occasions and hospital. Once again, I returned to countered difficulties in coping. At I had been confined to psychiatric was finally committed to a state reality; but the real test was in main- this point in my life, I was extremely hospitals for depression; my liver psychiatric hospital. My family and taining that sanity. The pain of reali- suicidal. Communication and supwas damaged; and I had rejected any friends could no longer help. ty at that time is even now too hard port were essential to my recovery. and all concepts of God. A geographic cure seemed to be t o remember. I was in the worst Dolores encouraged me to call at any I It was my rejection of God that, the solution to my problems, so I stages of depression. Remorse filled time and she would advise and direct I unfortunately, alienated me from traveled to California in search of my life, and recalling the past filled me in the ways of the program. Soft- Dolores in the beginning. She, too, that something that would restore me with regret. I was firmly convinc- ly and patiently, she explained that I had suffered the ravages of alcohol- me to sanity. But it was not to be ed that I was insane rather than alco- must have faith in God, the Fellowism, but she possessed the unshak- found. I returned home and was sub- holic and that the AA program ship, and myself, and sanity and soable faith that it was God who in- sequently recommitted to a state would not work for me. briety would be possible for me. She spired our beautiful progam and hospital. There, in a moment of Dolores, however, had a deep took me to eight and nine meetings a made it available to us. Her spiri- lucidity, I sent word t o Dolores that I conviction that I could be brought week. Gradually, the tenets of AA tuality frightened me, for I wanted needed her help. Two years had back to sanity and that the Fellow- became an integral part of my life. no more of a God who allowed such elapsed, and I was considered by ship could provide that miracle. She Dolores and I struggled through that tragedies t o befall me. Thus, in 1964, others and myself as totally hope- worked with me minute by minute, first year, and I celebrated my first Dolores and I went our separate less, one of those who could not day by day, week by week. Slowly, anniversary at a meeting of the stateways, but I was never out of her care make the program work for her. just a little bit of hope entered my hospital group to which we both beo r caring, although I did not know it Dolores answered my call and be: life. I listened to her every word and longed. It was the happiest day of at the time. She went on growing in came my sponsor. From that mo- tenaciously clung to the real world my life. the Fellowship; she was as active as ment, her efforts were completely despite the forces that assured me I Time passed, and with it grew possible, doing all that was sug- unremitting. There was nothing that would find rest and oblivion in in- stability and self-confidence. I took gested to her. She welcomed she would not do for me in the effort sanity and alcohol. a position, after having been unemnewcomers, was in charge of coffee, to help me find myself. It would be a Dolores accompanied me out of ployed for six years, and became recbecame an officer in the group, went perfect ending to say that this was the hospital for a day when it was onciled with my family and friends. I on speaking engagements, and dedi- the start of my sobriety; but for permitted. As I progressed and was commenced a college career and cated her life to Twelfth Step work. another year, I wavered between the allowed a weekend furlough, she earned a degree. On the whole, my Meanwhile, I was “working the real and the unreal worlds. Finally, took me to her home. I was.dis- life was filled with all wonderful program” my way. I rejected on July 13, 1966, I was again admit- charged after six months, and things. For the first time in my life, I Dolores’s advice and help, and in six ted to a state hospital. Because of my Dolores arranged an apartment and was truly happy, and on July 13, months, I again picked up a drink. continual animosity toward my a telephone for me. The phone was 1980, I celebrated my fourteenth an- July 1964 saw the bottom fall out of family and friends, I had lost their most important, because it became niversary of sobriety. my life; my alcoholic drinking support. They felt that I would per- my lifeline. I called Dolores and M. W.,Bronx, N.Y. resumed; and for the first time, my haps be better off if they simply mind left reality. My thoughts and withdrew from my life. This struck actions became insane; I suffered me as the final rejection. I was comdelusions and the hallucinations of pletely alone. the DTs. I made three visits to an Dolores came to see me very visitalcoholic hospital in three months. I ing hour and attended every AA

March 1 9 8 1

‘The only failure’ From Texas: I’m a twenty-six-year-old alcoholic and drug addict – and very grateful I came back to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I found out early that I couldn’t drink like other people. Since booze caused so much trouble, I decided to experiment with drugs. For the next ten years, I mixed booze with drugs and landed in some pretty sordid spots – jails, hospitals, the street. Four years ago, I was introduced to AA. I was going to learn from your mistakes and learn how to drink decent, likemost other people. At twenty-two, I could readily admit I had a problem with alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable. But to take never having another drink of booze? Never! It’s taken me four years to learn that I don’t take that first drink today. I’m grateful that I still have my family, health, and youth. And after this last slip, I’m grateful for AAs who told me that the only failure in the program is the failure to come back. V. L.

October 1 9 8 1

Two who slipped to be. I was a chameleon. I could not out, and I was so desperate that I stand to be alone with myself. truly had to let go of every old idea. and came back My husband and I were married I began in AA as a totally new, igduring our fourth year in AA, and I norant woman that day. I made the moved to the town where he had meeting and got my beautiful “dealways lived. In AA there, I became sire” chip. I immediately asked an just his wife. I resented that deeply old-timer to sponsor me. He’s and began competing. My husband taught me many things: that I live in is the dearest person in the world to a today unit only; that I am to be me. He is a completely active completely myself at all times (and member, dedicated to all Three gradually, there did become a me); that I am not to parrot anyone else’s Completely Myself Legacies. Besides that, he has plain old common sense, which I’m surely lacking. way of working the program, but work this program as the Big Book Slowly, I became accepted for outlines it. Yes, I started with the myself, but the old ego was still in First Step, and I hope to God I never me. When we were asked to share a again think I have taken the Twelve program, I’d compare my talk with Steps in their entirety. They are my his. (Thank God for his sense of tools for sobriety, for sanity, and for That really shook me. More and humor.) As he became more and serenity. more, I realize that this knowledge more active in service work, I The competitiveness is gone, has given me courage to face the became more and more jealous and thank God. I am proud of my hustruths I never wanted to surface in resentful. band and his program, but I have my my life. It has given me courage to My years as our group’s GSR hands full trying to keep myself in change. (general service representative) line. I have thought for a long time I’m really self-will run riot, full of didn’t curb my appetite for power. that AA does not so much build self-centeredness a lot of the time. When my husband served as dele- character as tear away the old char- The big ego! If there is anything gate from our area to the AA Gener- acter. Now, I enjoy being’a plain more ridiculous than one drunk al Service Conference, I really working member of AA, not a judging another drunk, I certqinly became self-pitying. Without his grandstander. I am at peace with don’t know what it is. Yet I’ve been knowledge, I had turned our AA God, myself, and my fellowman. All guilty over the years of doing just program into a one-upmanship this has come about through not takthat in AA, taking people’s inven- game. ing that first drink and through betories and justifying it to myself and I was not working the real pro- coming a little bit teachable and

I T DAWNED on me several years ago, after a horrible one-day drunk breaking over nine years of others. For those nine years, I ran hard in frantic action – twelfthstepping, sponsoring, speaking. I gram. One day, I drank. The next day, it was as if God had stripped me completely of all my false gods of open-minded. I sure hope I keep growing. I’ve found the beautiful world that I’d been looking for all sobriety in this blessed program, ran because I didn’t want to take a ‘ ego, and I stood bare and frighten- my life – in books, in people, and that God was unbiased. He allows us fearless inventory or come to really ed, more frightened of alcohol than finally in booze. But this world is for to live a lifetime on earth and neither see the emptiness that was me. Look- I’ve ever been in my entire life. I real. judges nor condemns us drunks. ing back – there simply wasn’t a me knew I had been in a spiritual black- D. S., Port Lavaca, Tex.

October 1981

knowing that I left AA to live such loved very much, because I knew an insane existence makes my skin that he could destroy me. I realize crawl. Don’t think it was easy for me now that sobriety is the only thing I to come back in. Actually, I came have; without it, I’d have nothing – *

back for someone else. He’s drink- except an early death. ing, and I have been given a second I hope that I never have another chance. I don’t believe in God, but I slip. I used to say that it could never do believe in the love of all AA mem- happen to me and that anybody who bers. I feel I really belong this time. I had one was a fool. Well, I’m a fool Like the Old Days also listen a lot more and am following the Steps and reading anything I who can only live one day at a time and who is proud to be in such a can get my hands on. I have a very wonderful fellowship – it sure good job, am moving into a new makes life a lot easier. The first time apartment, and most important of A FTER TWO and a half years of sobriety, I left AA. I went out on a slip. The night it happened, it and old fears. I gained back all and more of the weight I had worked so hard to lose. I cut myself off from all, have the love of my sons back. I used to have too much pride and around in AA is a gift. The second time around, you have to work for it. If you want anything badly was either throw myself under the my closest friends in the program never asked for help. Now, I ask enough, you’re sure to get it if it’s nearest truck or go out and get good and even stooped so low as to just when I have to, and I hope to be able good for you. AA is good for me, and drunk. I chose the latter. I was about destroy a wonderful man who to repay some of my dear friends if and I hope I’ll be good for it. Thanks overcome by personal problems, and loved me. the time ever comes that they need for giving me my life back. instead of turning to my friends and My oldest son once again became , me. I’ve had to let go of someone I S. C.,Dorval, Que. meetings, I turned back to that bot- my beer buyer and told me over and tle that I had worked so hard to over that he hated going to the store crawl out of. for me. I stopped working and stop- I told about six people that night ped taking care of my home. I lost all what I was planning to do. They self-respect and began hating to look laughed at me and said that I had too at myself in the mirror – just like much good sobriety to take such a the old days. I went to one or two foolish step. How wrong they were! meetings during this time but didn’t My sobriety had gone, and I was feel I belonged. I didn’t feel I merely dry. I had stayed away from belonged anywhere. Nighttime meetings, because I was working at drinking turned into early-morning one of the social clubs for AAs and drinking, stopping off at bars, and figured that was good enough. But leaving my car just about anywhere I nothing can take the place of a meet- decided to stop for a drink. Then ing, unless you’re an AA Loner with began the blackouts and the terror no meetings nearby, and I had no the next day – what had I done the such excuse. night before? On my last drunk, I Once I had decided to go out on a lost about four hours of my day and slip, it was the beginning of a descent somehow made it home. into all the old habits, old friends, Looking back on all of this and

November 1981

Surprise ending From Walters, Okla.: After a month, a new AA was to get his thirty-day sobriety chip at our group meeting, and when he went forward to receive it, he asked that he be allowed to say a few words. He said, “This week, I was in Dallas at m y son-in-law’s house. It was early morning, and we were visiting at the breakfast bar, where sat the inevitable fifth of bourbon. It looked so inviting that I got a large tumbler, filled it about two-thirds full of bourbon, put in some cold mixer and ice, then took a big drink. Boy, did that taste good! All of a sudden, it dawned on me what I had done – ruined a whole month’s sobriety. “About that time, my little dog signaled that she wished to go outside. I got up and went out. Waiting on her, I realized that 1 was in my own carport, in my own home, and not at my son-in-law’s house at all. With great relief, I knew that I had just had a nightmare, and I was very glad to be awake and sober.” Every alcoholic present had been writhing in sympathetic agony for the speaker. As he finished, everyone in the room rose, applauding and shouting words of congratulation. The chairman quietly retrieved the chip he had already replaced in the box. M. C .

January

, ceptance made up a new world and a so hard to be a “winner” in the outnew experience for me. It seemed to side world that I was a loser in the be a sanctuary of protection, very Mprogram. different from my previous life. But Today, I no longer follow the I kept feeling that at any moment I teaching that one must be a winner , Who Are the would be told to get out of my protective cocoon and mental defensiveto gain respect, either in or out of the program. I now interpret the word ness. I was sure’they would say I winner to mean a person who con- Winners? should contribute verbally as well as physically. tributes, a person who is prepared to be cooperative rather than competi- Though I liked what I saw and tive. I now feel comfortable just beheard at the meetings, I couldn’t ap- ing a non-loser.

W HEN I FIRST came through the doors of AA, the members told me to stick with the winquirement for membership is an honest desire to stop drinking.” You see, I knew I wasn’t being ply it to the outside world, where the anxieties still persisted. Consequently, I kept changing my dry date – to This change in my attitude permits me to participate in any project and be free of the need to have me or my ners. I did this mainly because I honest with other members, but I the point where our group secretary efforts accepted. That is why I am knew the program worked for them, reasoned that at least I was being suggested I wait until I felt the pro- putting my feelings on paper, knowand I wanted to learn how to stay honest with myself. I felt I would gram was really taking hold. ing that whether or not this article is sober. Getting drunk had proved to always need that bottled courage to It took me seven months to realize accepted, giving my best effort be too costly. I was also told to give carry out the many decisions neces- what my problem was: I was trying makes me a better person. Ma ninety-day trial, and then, if I sary to “succeed” in our competitive F. C.,Burlington, Ont. didn’t like what they were giving me, world, in which I felt myself to be they would give me back my misery. (and was frequently told I was) a Having discovered at an early age misfit. that I was a slow learner, I told them So I decided to do as I was told, I would stick around for at least a whether or not I felt comfortable year, because I knew my limitations. while carrying it out. Fortunately, I What I didn’t tell them was that I was never asked to do anything I had wouldn’t give up the relaxing, tran- never done before. Setting up the quilizing, and de-inhibiting effects chairs, cleaning the ashtrays, and that alcohol produced when feelings making the coffee were okay with of anxiety and insecurity became un- me. bearable. I was assured that I didn’t need to Thank God, I knew myself well feel uncomfortable at discussion enough to know I couldn’t go it meetings if I passed when asked alone. Thank God for the guidance whether I had anything to say, Furthe Twelve Steps provided (though I ther, I was encouraged to ask quesdidn’t always follow it). And thank tions, and they said no question God for the wisdom AAs showed in would seem foolish or inapprotaking the word “honest” out of the priate. I liked that attitude. Preamble’s original “The only re- All of this understanding and ac-

March 1 9 8 2

An AA meeting in transit brought a wanderer back to the Fellowship

**.,* “L., the Big Book of Alcoholics Anony- Within thirty minutes, two Kansas mous. He had started to drink in City AAs were there. I AM A RECOVERINGalcoholic and have been active in Twelfth Step work and group service work, and I Texas. When he came out of a blackout, he was in Kansas City. He said he wanted to get back into the Fellow- We had an impromptu but very short AA meeting on the spot.Then, I sat back and watched AA at work. : thought until recently that I was well ship as soon as possible. He also said Within ten minutes, these gentlemen informed on how to carry the mesthat he was almost penniless and had had found a halfway house for our sage.. . . no way to get back to Texas. Yet all fellow sufferer, a place where he I found myself in Kansas City, He said, “Is that the Grapevine Mo., on business. After the business you’re reading?” I told him it was. the while he never once indicated that could work, attend meetings, and ac- He asked if I was a member of the he was trying to get money from me. cumulate enough money to get back was concluded, 1 had three hours to wait in the bus terminal for my return Fellowship, and I told him I was and I asked him why he had not found home. had been for some time. He said, “I meetings in Kansas City. He said he As they were ready to leave, he home. I resigned myself to the wait, clasped my hand and, with tears in his got a cup of coffee, and went to an was a member for two and a half did not know his way around the city years – the best two and a half years enough to get to a meeting walking, eyes, asked how he could ever repay out-of-the-way section to drink it. Before I left that morning, my wife, of my life.” let alone driving. Suddenly, I me. I told him that he owed me nothwho is also a recovering alcoholic, For the first time, I began to really remembered that I had a phone ing, that I believed his Higher Power look at this man. He was clean-cut, number given to me by an AA mem- had put me exactly where I was s u p had placed two copies of the AA posed to be, reading my Grapevine, Grapevine in my briefcase. I took one rather handsome, and immaculately ber in Kansas City almost two years dressed. But in his eyes, I saw great earlier. I asked him whether, if I when he noticed me. After handof the copies out and began to read. I shakes, the three made their way out got so engrossed in my reading that I pain. In his hands, I noticed a slight could arrange through someone else a tremble. I said, “Two and a half means for him to get to a meeting, he of the bus station, and I began to hardly noticed a gentleman who thank God that I had been where my walked up to my table. Eventually, he years, huh? What made you stop?” would go. His answer was a very asked if he might sit down. My an- He answered that he had experi- quick yes. I went to the telephone, Higher Power wanted me to be at enced the defenselessness after that dialed the number, and told my fel- that critical moment in a man’s life. swer was “Of course. Take a load off first drink that we have all read of in low member of this man’s plight. T. E., Neosho, Mo. your feet.” And he did.

March 1 9 8 2

tionally on how he was different from immature. While we all have super- S EVERAL YEARS ago, I Sat in a weekly meeting listening to the despair of one member of our group other people. I carried that observation away from the meeting and tested its validficial differences, such as age, sex, appearance, marital state, and occupation, the things we have in comwho kept slipping and struggling with ity in other groups. Invariably, the mon with other human beings are far the program. Try as he might, this people who displayed a contented more important to our emotional and man could not stay sober for any sobriety, those who were growing, spiritual lives. On a deep, communal length of time. As I sat and listened to were the people who focused emo- level, we all experience the human him, 1 asked myself, “Why do the We start growing tionally on how they were like other mysteries of birth, life, and death. other members of this nrouD stay human beings. The strugglers and the We all have the same emotions. We sobkr, but not him? what is ;t that when we stop saying “slippers” continued to focus emo- share the daily capacity to experience they have that fosters serene sobriety, tionally on how they were unlike fear, self-pity, resentment, and pride while this one poor guy keeps return- others. – or hope, faith, gratitude, happiing to the booze?” His words filtered through my ‘Yes. It took me some time to determine why this phenomenon was true. ness, and love. Thus, each and every

… one of us has the common attributes, mind as 1 took in his dialog;e with Eventually, it came to me. T o the both good and bad, of humanity. one of the other members. “You don’t understand,” he complained. But 9 extent that I can focus emotionally on how I am like others, I can recover And through the grace of God in AA, by realizing that we are each like the “If you just had a boss like mine. . .” and grow. To the extent that I dwell other in our humanity, we can share Then, he debated the next member on my differences, I remain sick and sobriety, recovery, and growth. who tried to identify with him by stat- M. B., Minneapolis, Minn. ing, “I know you think you’ve got the answer, but you don’t know what it’s like living with my wife.” And when yet another member at- \ tempted to empathize, the “slipper” 1 cut him off by saying, “You can’t possibly know what my life is like. You’re a rich man, and I’m just a working stiff.” He continued in that vein with almost everyone in our group, refusing to relate to any of them or with any of their attempts to share common experiences. Finally, the answer to my question dawned on me. It was so simple. The reason the other people in that group had found sobriety and growth was that each had learned to focus emotionally on how he or she was similar to other people. The “slipper” continued to focus emo-

March 1 9 8 2

Who is a ‘loser’? From Maryland: After twenty-seven years’ sobriety The saying “Stick with the winners” in AA, I am alarmed and saddened at has always impressed me as meaning hearing some of our members use the “Do it the way the sober members word “losers” to identify AA mem- do.” When we use the term “losers,” bers who have not yet achieved sobri- the saying takes on the meaning ety, and “winners” for those who are “Run with the winners – shun the staying sober. Were it not said by losers.” Recently, a newcomer – so some of our local members who are indoctrinated – told our group that quick to claim several years’ sobriety, members’ anniversary celebrations I would be less appalled. I hope “los- were held “so we’d know who the ers” does not become general usage. winners are.” In my opinion, no AA member is a Shunning the slipping members loser! All of us – sober or trying to seems to be what those who call them get sober – are in the race. All are losers are asking us to do. We have members if they have a desire – hon- our Higher Power to thank that many est or otherwise – to stop drinking. of us “softies” do turn to our sick members in their need, remembering that but for His grace, we’d also be drinking. I pray that I shall never lose the memory of an old-timer’s saying, “Be grateful for the ‘slippers’ there’d be no AA without them.” ANONYMOUS

September 1 9 8 2

se Call

Without warning it hit -he wanted a drink

I T WAS A DAY like any other. I had been up about six hours. My wife had gone to the grocery store, and my stopped my pacing and bowed my head. I prayed to my Higher Power for only a few-minutes, then waited. daughter was working. I was going to When my wife got home, I helped watch my grandson until my wife her bring in the grocery bags, and I came home. It was a fine Saturday; heard my grandson getting up. the sun was shining bright. A John “What are you going to do this after- Wayne movie was on the television, noon?” my wife asked. and my grandson finally went to “I’m going to read the Big Book sleep, after about two hours of cow- for a while. And tonight, I’m going to boys and Indians. an AA meeting. But first, Josh and I Out of nowhere, without warning, are going to play cowboys and Indi- , it hit – I needed a drink. (I had been ans, after we eat lunch.” in the AA program for eighteen Before going to bed that night, I months, and things had been getting reread Step Eleven: “Sought through better.) For about thirty minutes, I prayer and meditation to improve our walked the floor and tried to watch conscious contact with God as we TV. Every time I thought about call- understood Him, praying only for ing my sponsor, my nerve failed me. knowledge of His will for us and the There was only one thing to do: power to carry that out.” I turned out When my wife got home, I would go the light and went to sleep. By the down to the corner tavern. After all, grace of God and Alcoholics Anonydidn’t she trust me? mous, I had made another twenty- Then, something flashed into my four hours sober. mind: “Don’t take the first drink.” I R. M., Louisvilte, Ky.

February 1 9 8 3

J<

Staying a way from a drink

‘With Time on My Side’

A T A DISCUSSIONmeeting not long ago, a newcomer asked, “How do you stay away from the first not to go to work (stressful atmosphere); (4) called an AA friend, met, and talked for two or three hours; (5) Traveling without a car is quite a feat. Add to that – I’m a country even though desire was strong, the choice remained mine. I used all drink?” The question brought to at supper, shared with yet another gal, unaccustomed to cities like avenues at my disposal. When one light a recent experience of mine AA member; (6) after supper, went to Boston. But off 1 went by bus, by failed to work, I chose another and (after a year and a half in AA). As I an early meeting; (7) when that foot, by train, by subway. I walked another and another. The choice still shared it, I came to understand and ended, went to yet another meeting; and walked all that day, dazzled by mine, I could keep going. I believe, value more our program of recovery (8) shared again with AA friends how much was contained in so little through hearing the experiences of and sobriety. (now, I was nearly in tears, for I felt space, for I never got more than ten others, that if my choice had been to A time came – not the first – no better at all); (9) received from blocks frommy destination. By sun- drink, just one drink would have left when events were stressful and prob- another member two small cards with set, my errand was done. Fully me with no choice at all – except to lems, although small, were plentiful special prayers, which I read and exhausted, I returned home, called a continue drinking. 1 believe my in my life. In a typical way, came also reread when I reached home. friend, and went to a meeting. newfound freedom of choice had the desire to drink. And I still felt no better, even By the time my friend picked me become so valuable to me that I I remembered comments of others, though I had somehow made it up, I felt relieved at last. I was relaxed would choose anything but ,alcohol. the most notable being “You don’t through the day without drinking. I and at peace that night. It wasn’t The tools, suggestions, and slogans have to drink, even if you want to.” thanked God this day was over and until the next day that I realized my we use in Alcoholics Anonymous, as With that in mind, I went to meet- fell asleep in tears of despair, for the desire to drink had passed. But 1 corny as they may sound at times, ings, called on AA people, and kept desire still remained. Maybe tomor- didn’t know how, when, or why. saved my life that day. They gave me active, trying to relieve my mind or row would be different – that was all Analytical as I am, I tried to a choice. I did not have to drink, even change the direction of my thoughts. I could hope for. ponder what it was that had done the if I wanted to. After several days, I hit one partic- I had made a commitment to go to trick. “How do you stay away from Time did the rest of the job. To ular day when it seemed all uphill – Boston next day on business for my the first drink?” think how I once hated that saying the desire to drink had increased group. When I awoke, it was with I have learned from others that “Give it time.” With time on my daily. So in that one day, I did all of ‘ reluctance yet great determination when alcoholics stop drinking, they side, I was able to (1) not drink, (2) go these: (1) attended an AA discussion that I faced the journey. Nobody was are freed of the compulsion. Once to meetings, (3) ask for help. And meeting; (2) prayed to the God of my going to tell me that I was just sitting freed, they will always have a choice “This, too, shall pass.” understanding; (3) made a decision around wallowing in the poor-me’s! as long as they don’t drink. That day, R. J., Tewksbury, Mass.

February 1983

I WAS DRY for six months, and then I got drunk. The reason I told everyone was that I broke up with the it was a guy from AA, I felt like a kid at Christmas. We talked for a long time. I girl I was going out with, and I thought about it later-when you get thought that was the truth. up in the morning or come home In the six dry months in AA, I went from work, if you feel good, call to a lot of meetings, but I did not try someone and share it. Or if you feel to make friends of the guys. The girls bad, share that, too. I met I was afraid of. I knew if I The next day, he came over again, asked them to go out they would not, and when he left I called another AA. because I was not good enough. All I I was scared – what was he going to thought of then was taking them to think? I thought the man I called had bed, not being friends. everything going for him, but I found After I got drunk, my sponsor told out he was alone and wanted friends, me to call two AAs every day, and too. not to spend all my time by myself. I If we don’t make friends in AA was scared to call anyone. Maybe when things are going good, where they didn’t want to talk to me, or they are we going to go when things get would find out I was alone and going bad? If we don’t call when we scared. My pride was in the way. just want to talk, how are we going to The next morning, one of the guys call when we hurt and want to die? came over. When I heard the knock So call someone. Maybe you will on the door, I told myself if it was a save a life, It might be yours. Don’t salesman I’d let him in, so I’d have wait for someone to call you. someone to talk to. When I found out N. T., Aurora, Minn.

September 1983

I walked into the motel room and thought: Well, I tried; nothing hap- I WAS AN alcoholic by the time I was twenty-three years old, but with the help of AA and God, I was able to problem and after all, I could not stop my whole life and career because I just might be tempted to take a threw my suitcase on the bed. My alcoholic mind was already figuring pened; now I can drink. Walking to my suitcase, I noticed the motel Bible out why it would be fine to take a open on the dresser. The first senquit drinking. I had not had a drink drink. drink. Slowly, another part of me tence that met my eye was the beginin three months when my job pulled My boss went with me. When we began to resist. I finally said out loud, ning of Proverbs 20: “Wine is a me out of town. arrived at the motel, our rooms were “God, I have been told that if I ask mocker; strong drink is raging: and I did not want to go. Having been side by side. As I slid my key into the whosoever is deceived thereby is not you for help in these moments, you , invited to business engagements lock, my boss said, “After you get will help me. Without help, 1 do wise.” 1 before, I knew what to expect: There settled in, come next door to my 1 would be free booze, and I would be not think I will make it sober through I found the strength, through siroom and have a drink with me be- lently repeating that part of Proverbs this evening. Part of me wants to without my support group, friends, fore dinner.” As he spoke, I felt my to myself, to not drink that night, and drink, but if it is thy will for me to and family – with an expense ac- resistance sliding away. After all, no by the grace of God, and with the stay sober, please show me, and I will . count. I said no, but my boss, himself one would ever know – I was far try.” help of AA, 1 have not had the need to a heavy drinker, was not so easily put away from home, and my boss would I looked around. Nothing had take a drink since then, nine years ago. off. Knowing I had quit drinking, he not tell. What would just a couple of A. B., WrightsvilleBeach, N.C. changed. I sighed with relief. I assured me that I would have no drinks do to me, anyway?

October 1983

. . . Some tips on turning down that drink they’re totally concerned with their thought of this for years. I was at a “I was really on the spot,” Alison “Something so simple and workown. If you quietly ask for a soft party when I was very new to A A and said. “I was on a study tour of the able it must have been an inspiration drink, chances are no one but you was trying to be both sober and so- Far East with a group of women in from my Higher Power. For the first and the bartender will know your phisticated. S o I bellied u p t o the bar my line of work. In Taiwan, we were thirty minutes, when I was offered a drink is nonalcoholic.” and ordered Perrier and water. I can entertained at a luncheon in Taipei’s drink, I said, ‘Not just yet, thank “Your question about how you ex- still see the bartender’s expression at . best hotel, with an hour of wine you.’ And the last thirty minutes, I plain your not drinking reminds me this nut asking for water and water. drinking before the meal. said, ‘Not any more, thank you.’ Not of me,” Irene said. “When 1 was new Now, I am supremely indifferent t o “Our hosts were Oriental, and I a soul there so much as suspected that in AA, I thought I had to explain – what anyone thinks about my choice didn’t want to d o anything that might I hadn’t touched a drop.” almost apologize for – refusing alco- of drinks, but I was supersensitive offend them, or make me appear crit- “YOU see, Marcie,” Jerry assured hol. We have n o obligation to explain then and let it spoil my evening.” ical of t h d r hospitality. S o I couldn’t her, “an AA member who really ourselves. People who drink don’t “Take one precaution, Marcie,” ask for anything that was not of- wants to stay sober can always find a think they need to explain it. At the Kenneth advised. “If someone else is fered; I couldn’t simply refuse the way, and without attracting attensame time, it doesn’t hurt to be pre- getting your drink for you, sniff be- wine; and I couldn’t drink it.” tion.” pared with an answer o n the slim fore you taste. Glasses are easy t o mix “What on earth did you do?” “It’s not only possible,” Alison chance someone notices, and says up, and you could get the wrong one Marcie asked. added. “It’s fun!” something. A person who knows you by accident.” E. E., Tulsu, Oklu. used to drink might. Or a host trying “We’ve been talking about affairs to look after his guests could be a bit where mixed drinks are served and insistent. Have a smooth answer nonalcoholic beverages are readily ready, like ‘Little digestive upset. available,” Lewis observed. “Once in Thought I’d go easy tonight,’ or ‘ I t ‘ a while, you may hlt an occasion isn’t on my diet.’ Anything you feel where onlv alcoholic drinks are ofeasy with.” fered. ~ l i ~ o n tell, Marcie your story Mike suddenly laughed. “I haven’t of how you handled that.”

March 1 9 8 4 !

ing myself professionally. They’d un- I put out my cigarette, gripped the derstand, and possibly even approve, arm rests of my seat with whitepossibly even say that they’d once knuckled hands, and stared at the wondered if I didn’t hit it a little hard. seat back ahead of me. It was nothing During the past six years of my so- but meaningless patterned fabric. I briety, I’d learned to armor myself in felt totally dissociated, an entity withadvance for situations where drinks out past or future listening to its own might be offered, having the easy, thoughts echoing irrationally inside casual phrases ready. It was impor- the skull: “Just my luck! Free drinks tant for me to be mentally prepared when I can’t drink! And so early because, before the six years, I’d had they shouldn’t do it so early unless a slip. There had been two and a haif they give you more than one. But you years of sobriety, then a disastrous could have another one as soon as we four-year slip. Now, I had an AA life land. . .” so precious that I began each day as The stewardess and her cart though I were a newcomer, even stopped two rows ahead of me. A though the desire to drink had dis- couple ordered martinis. “Ugh!” I appeared long ago. thought. “Not martinis in the On the morning of the flight, as mornine!”

Coffee, Tea, or…? usual, I’d turned my will and my life ~nd-;he thought shocked me out over to God, asked for the strength to of that mindless staring at a seat stay sober, read the day’s portion of back, into a realization that I’d been old college friends now living there. the “twenty-four-hour book,” and sitting there frozen with fear. Fear of College was a long time ago, but given thanks for all the good things what? Nobody was going to force me Christmas cards and an occasional now in my life. to drink, and I didn’t want a drink, so When the thought phone call had kept us up-to-date on 1 buckled my seat belt happily, why this ridiculous overreaction? one another’s lives and activities. looking forward to the coffee or tea “Why” didn’t matter. I ‘began to of a drink takes us I’d have soon. As we took off and the pray silently and, in that curious Seeing one another again after so unawares many years would be delightful, and “no smoking” sign went out, I re- fashion whereby thoughts can overwe have a would undoubtedly call for drinks, laxed and reached for a cigarette lay prayer, hoped that the man ahead powerful protection but that didn’t disturb me. I even while the pilot’s voice welcomed us of me wouldn’t order a drink. smiled a little, thinking of their incre- aboard. I paid little attention t o the The stewardess approached him. dulity when I ordered my Perrier words I’d heard so often until he said, The man ordered a cup of coffee. water (over ice, with a twist of lime), “And in celebration of our thirty- “Thank God!” I said to myself. because I’d been one of the more en- three years of flying, we’re serving “You see? All you have to do is order free cocktails on this flight.” coffee!” And then, “But 1 don’t like I BOARDED THE plane with eagerness and confidence. After a short flight, I would arrive in a city where, thusiastic drinkers in our group. I wouldn’t tell them I was AA, but give them the bare facts: After my di- 1 had three split-second reactions: . airline coffee!” And then, “So order first, “Just my luck!,” followed al- tea, dummy!” in addition to attending a conference, vorce, I’d decided that alcohol would most simultaneously by “Watch it, Suddenly, I was myself again. I . 1 was going to be seeing a couple of interfere with my goal of reestablish- stupid!” and then “It’s still too early, was in a plane where a pilot had ofanyway, isn’t it?” fered free drinks, but as an AA, 1 was

going to order tea instead. But I casual phrases for ordering Perrier didn’t want to forget the two lessons water. Without conscious thought, I’d just learned. when I’d realized that I was in The frightening lesson was that danger, 1 had prayed for help. I’d within me still were the automatic re- simply breathed over and over again actions of a practicing alcoholic. On the words I’d sobbed so often during that plane, among strangers, I had the last days of my drinking: “God apparently been stripped of all de- help me!” fenses (with the aid of a bit of smug- Now, I recognize that I was then ness), and my innermost, unrecon- and may be again – in the grip of an structed self was laid bare. I hadn’t insane compulsion over which I have wanted a drink as such, but some- no control. It’s dormant most of the thing childish and resentful had time, but if it’s triggered by that raised its petulant head. My fear had stupid, whining little girl in me, it’s a been of that child. I hadn’t known it character defect I can pray to have was still there, and I was grate- removed. Meanwhile, I’m everlastful now, because another inventory ingly grateful to have learned again might flush it out. what the Big Book promises: When But the wonderful lesson I’d we need help, God can and will if he is learned was that 1 have a stronger sought. armor than all the carefully planned, R. K., Los Angeles, Calif.

April 1 9 8 4

But get back to AA I must, so I Book, crept into my head: “They are sneaked in the back door, lower than naturally incapable of grasping and a snake’s belly. I went with my developing a manner of living which . daughter to an out-of-town meeting, demands rigorous honesty.” “Rigor- Them to people who didn’t know me. Very softly and timidly, hoping not to be ous honesty, rigorous honesty, rigorous honesty” flashed like neon lights, heard, 1 admitted that I had gone out occasionally darkened by the recurto experiment, that I was an alco- ring thought that now, a few weeks holic, powerless over alcohol, that sober, I c o u ~ d ‘ ~ o back to my home my life was unmanageable. 1 waited group, kinda slide into the back row, for a wave of relief to wash over me, and take it from there. giving me new hope, and 1 waited and But the white hats always win. I I waited and I waited. Nothing, awoke early one morning, and the nothing, nothing. And I was sick first thoughts in this dense skull were: When she finally told AA friends deep within my soul (if I could still “So this is what the Big Book means. boast of having one). I’ve tried ‘an easier, softer way.’ If I . about her slip, it was I went to another meeting and am to stay sober, I need ‘rigorous them and me again another and another – still out of honesty.’ I need to be ‘willing to go to town, away from my home group. any length’ – and admit to my home But I was unable to listen or to talk; I group that I have gone on a drunk, a sensed that something in me was all long, ugly drunk, more devastating A lTER A FEW twenty-four hours, 1 had a slip – a slip filled with anger, guilt, resentment, and ravaged by booze, with the old suicidal tendency rearing its ugly head. Just to get back to AA was all I wrong. Well, now that I had gone to several meetings, 1 thought, I could than any before.” And at that moment, 650 AM, the desired wave of relief washed over remorse. AA sayings and images of needed to do, to pick up the threads I return to my home group as though me. “They,” the enemies, became the faces of those in my home group had severed. But I couldn’t. Fear nothing had happened. Then, I had real people with names and faces and – those who cared for me and shared kept me sneaking that “last” one to to go into the hospital for surgery. life, givers of experience, strength, their experience, strength, and hope bolster my courage enough to make After several days there, 1 was still be- and hope, with true concern for me. I – roved through my head. that call, and the bottle would black wildered, because I felt strongly that knew I could get on with life and All the time, I knew for a certainty me out with noth’ing accomplished. I something was wrong deep within me living, Step by Step, day by day, and I would return t o where real life was would awaken with even more fear and between me and AA. Parts of find what “they” glowed with. – AA, my home group. But when? and remorse and guilt. “How It Works,” from the Big K. P., Olympia, Wash. I was indeed more powerless over At last, I made it through several alcohol than ever before. In my head, days without booze, fighting sweats, tapes played, assuring me all I had to chills, nausea, and fever caused more d o was make that phone call and turn by fear of facing “them” than by it over t o God as I had a glimpse of withdrawal. In my sick mind, my him a God who had not meant me wonderful friends became “them” to let my body and mind be abused as indefinable, out to get me, my ac- I was inviting John Barleycorn to do. cusers, my persecutors, my mockers I knew I could not survive long – and I trembled.

September 1984

but the quality of what I received sur- and the time the first joint opens. passed anything I had anticipated. I can accept today whether it is Help came from sources I hadn’t tragedy or triumph. “I have learned, even considered. Somehow, my in whatsoever state I am, therewith to A word to impatient alcoholics: the program works best Higher Power managed to turn the be content.” After several years, I am when we’re miserable mess I had created into a still getting used to the fact that it is serenity I had never experienced happening to me. before. It has been several years now, Becoming undrunk was the least of and I still have it. Now, I can get high the benefits AA gave me, but an exon sauerkraut or spaghetti and still tremely important one nevertheless. remember where I parked the car, (I know – I tried it both ways!) As I and I don’t have to go to a rehab the continue going to meetings, my un-. next day. drunkenness has grown into genuine In spite of my proclivity for spa- sobriety, which has rewards madetoghetti or sauerkraut, I can take either order for me. I could not possibly one or leave it alone, and I can get it have been the architect of my own r e without a prescription. I don’t have covery. In my neighborhood, we are to get up in the middle of the night to extremely fortunate: We have a’ get some. I don’t have to endure the Higher Power who makes house calls. eternity between the time I wake up J. B., Rochester, N X

T HE BUSINESS of being undrunk is somewhat like indoor plumbing. In spite of the fact that I have undrunk for a change. I shook for a while, and I paced the floor till I nearly wore out the rug. I changed the never seen indoor plumbing listed as light switches to silent ones, so the one of the components of the more kids wouldn’t snap them without abundant life, it sure raises hell if it is warning and unnerve me. I imitated not working right. my neighbor’s dog; he wasn’t drink- I tried for three years to work the ing either. Steps without going to meetings or Pretty soon, the program began to staying undrunk. That method leaves work. I began to think more clearly a great deal to be desired. One has to and to accept myself just as I was run and hide when the paper boy the way AA has accepted me from the rings the doorbell. Brushing one’s very beginning. Inasmuch as I didn’t teeth causes acute nausea. It becomes have the leverage’to make deals with necessary to keep a wash basin handy God, I let go and gave him the whole beside the bed. One also has a ten- miserable mess, to hand back to me dency to stagger and see double. when and if he saw fit. Finally, I was hurting so bad I The result was several years behind simply wanted out, so I tried doing it the schedule I had laid out for myself,

March

weeks before. At that time, the de- – voted man-of-all-work who had “carried” the group by serving as secretary-treasurer, meeting planner and scheduler, coffee maker, and allpurpose factotum, had asked that others share the work. With no one volunteering, the key member had The. Meeting announced that the next Thursday night he would not be there, and if That Almost the group wished to continue, someone else would have to pick up the Didn’t Happen work and the chores. The group, the i

priest said, then broke up in resentment and had not met since, but it had been too late to delete the listing from the new directory. This happened at a troubled time in my AA life. It was April 1967. 1 had

T HE DOOR was locked. Quickly, I looked again at the brand-new, recently issued meeting list for the beenaa member in a city fifty-some miles away for six years, but after more than four years of unbroken so- Baltimore area. Sure enough, a group briety, had succumbed to the drinkwas listed as meeting at this address at ing urge (having at the time no adeeight-thirty on Thursday evenings. quate spiritual defense), had suffered But the time was eight-fifteen or a bit a series of short but terrifying re- ‘ late to seek out another meeting and Fellowship with the usual results, and after, and no one was here. lapses, and now, with a few months get to it on time. were as eager as I for a new begin-. The building was a vast, red brick of shaky sobriety, felt strongly the The good priest then surprised me ning. One man, I seem to recall, was a pile that had once held a Catholic col- need to get to as many meetings as by saying, “If you would like to have commercial traveler who was staying lege, since relocated. However, a rec- possible. I had done my share of a meeting and if others show up, I at a nearby hotel, had called the I tory on the upper level around the drinking in Baltimore but was not will lend you the key to the room central office, and had been referred 1 corner was lighted, and I went up the familiar with the AA structure in the downstairs on the, corner, and you to the nearest meeting. A woman who 1 steep steps to the residence door and area. As a Navy reservist, I was on can hold the meeting. Just remember was quite new to the program had knocked. A priest answered, and I two weeks’ active duty for training, to return the key.” also sought out this group. showed him my directory and ex- and tried to attend a meeting each day I That heavy key proved to be the Having the key, I was thus the king plained my desire, as a stranger in the I did not have the watch on our little Key to the Kingdom for me. of the hill momentarily, and on learncity, to attend an AA meeting. training ship at Fort McHenry. An On returning to the meeting-room ing that the other four also wanted to The good padre, who quite appar- elderly friend had shepherded me to door, I found three people standing have a meeting, I opened the door, ently was familiar with the Fellow- several meetings but could not be on the sidewalk, and then another and we walked into what had been ship, explained that the group had in- with me this time, and had passed on showed up. One or two had been the college cafeteria. There, beyond deed met at that location until some his new directory to me. It was too members of the group, had left the the rows of tables with chairs stacked

on them, we found the corner of the each of us that we can have AA anylarge room that had been used by the where or under any circumstances. defunct group. The Fellowship is available to all who In the dusty and neglected remains want it. If no meeting is ready-made of a resentment-ruined group, with for US,we can make our own. an unperking coffee urn, two tired Although honesty forces me to say collection baskets, a rack of wilted that my own series of slips did not and dog-eared pamphlets, and the end with that meeting, it did lay a “Easy Does It,” “First Things foundation for a sound recovery that First,” arid other wall placards still in has continued through sixteen years place, we five – each of us “a stran- of unbroken sobriety at this writing. ger and afraid” -held a meeting. Seventeen years and more have The meeting, as with so many, ac- passed since that wonderful “nontually led itself, although I sort of co- meeting.” On my occasional trips to ordinated the discussion. We each or through Baltimore, I try to go by shared what was uppermost in our that site. Change comes to all things, hearts and expressed our sense of and it is now occupied by a successful need for the program in our own di- repertory theater. But in my mind’s verse ways. tear-clouded eye, I can see a key open That unplanned, jury-rigged, and a locked cafeteria door, and five jerry-built meeting, held in the ashes troubled strangers walk into a room and the dust (more figurative than where their improvised but sincere real), sans coffee and the usual “no sharing would give them help for the dues or fees,” will always stand out day and, for at least one of them, a as one of the milestones of my AA delayed but genuine passport home to life. It demonstrated graphically to AA. H. B., Silver Spring, Md.

March 1985

Retreat A FTER ELEVEN years of drinking alcoholically, I was nearly killed on April 10, 1973. I had my first spiriwalked into the meeting. I felt I be- that would have killed and denied the longed, for the first time in my thirty- accusation vehemently. After twenty three years; I felt enormous relief that minutes, I admitted I had been drink- ‘from tual awakening on April 11, when I called the AA answering service and I finally had a label for what was ing, and was immediately filled with wrong with me (I had believed for stark terror. My friend left, and what asked for help. A woman, later to many years that I was crazy); and I happened for the next twenty-four’ become my first sponsor, came to identified with the pain, fear, anger, hours makes my blood run cold talk to me. several days later, she and loneliness expressed by those eleven years later! Changes in attitude took me to my first AA meeting. I present, regardless of their age, sex, My attitude drastically changed. I I can lead us to a shall never forget my feelings when I or color. I was home, home at last! refused to call my sponsor. I refused I drink – or too For nine months, I did everything to talk with anyone else in the pro- i close for cornfort right: I went to every meeting in gram. I didn’t want to drink town; 1 read all the literature; I lis- anymore; I was too scared. But I tened; I got a fantastic sponsor; I didn’t want to have anything to do talked and let my feelings out; 1 with “those” people in AA. For began working the Steps; I began to twenty-four hours, I sat huddled on pray, although I didn’t believe; I gave my couch in my tiny apartment, up my old friends and old drinking vowing never to go to AA again, haunts; I got involved, emptying hating the program and the people. ashtrays, etc. I loved the program, At 8:00 PM, my sponsor called for the people, and the way I felt. the last time, begging me to go to a And then, I had to prove how meeting, and I hung up on her. At “cunning, baffling, powerful” the 8:25, I had my second and probably disease of alcoholism truly is. One most important spiritual awakening. beautiful, balmy day, I went to the Looking like something the cat beach with a friend. I felt marvelous. dragged in, I jumped in my car, drove We returned and prepared to go to a like a maniac to a meeting, and took university-type cocktail party like what I hope is my last white chip. The those I had gone to when I was drink- only five words I heard that night, ing. The insanity hit! I sent my friend through my tears of surrender, were to a neighborhood ice cream shop for the most important in my life: “Weljamocha almond fudge, and while he come back. We love you.” was gone, I ran across the street to the Since that day, I have been free and market, bought two bottles of lemon have chosen not to drink, one day at a extract, brought it home, mixed it time. The memory of that terrifying with a soft drink, and capriciously experience of a total attitudinal gulped it down – withcut thinking change has prevented me from exabout anything at any point! periencing a moment of complacency My friend returned, took one look through today. Today, I love AA and at me, and said, “You’ve been drink- the people. My life is like a wheel, ing!” In a rage, I flashed him a look with AA at the center and the spokes

representing other areas of my life. It I learned that night that there is no runs smoothly when I keep it that guarantee that one will make it back. way. The more dependent I am on I was one of the lucky ones. Thank AA, the morehdependent and free I God for a second chance! am as a woman, as a human being. F. P., Gainesville, Fla.

December 1 9 8 5

Just one drink away From Lafayette, Ind.: My rationalizations, projections, As a recovering alcoholic, I know etc. are based on fear. Simply put, only too well that alcoholism is a dis- when a brother or sister relapses, I hit ease. It took about sixteen years o f the panic button to deal with the drinking for me to grasp this simple thought that I too am one drink away concept and finally admit that I had a from my next drunk. disease. 1 am truly grateful to this program I have eagerly pointed out to others that has allowed me the opportunity that alcoholism is a disease, and have to identify character defects and has often been angered by those who shown me the way to change. In the blame or stigmatize still-suffering al- future I plan not to blame or judge, coholics for their drinking problem. but to accept and help. G . B. Yet, at meetings, I have been guilty of practicing what I detest so much. I tend to blame fellow alcoholics for “slipping” or relapsing. I justify this by pronouncing “they just weren’t ready yet” or “they would have been okay if thry’d just followed directions.” Somehow, I have managed to give myself permission to talk out of both sides of my mouth. As with any disease, relapse is a possibility. I do not fault or blame the person who has a second heart attack due to his not following the doctor’s advice. I would never accuse a person whose diabetes has flared up of not being ready to recover. However, with this disease of alcoholism, I am a finger pointer.

January 1 9 8 6

Back Again I AM BACK again. I was gone from meetings only six weeks this time. Is this the fifth time I’ve gone out to practice? I don’t know. I’ve lost count. It is at least that many. So what’s new? The people are the “Sponsor” has changed, too. Now he is entitled to the honest answer to whatever question he wants to ask. It means I have made a genuine First Step at last. Compulsion keeps me working at the Steps. The insanity of same. Smiling, making progress. Or, Now it makes me nervous if I don’t thinking, “That would make a good when they are not, they are sharing talk to him every few days, so I call hiding place. A pint would fit there their problems and asking for help. him. He wants to be bothered when I nicely,” when I have no intention of They are glad to see me back. These have a problem. ever drinking, reminds me of my people who have stayed while I was Yes,the program has gotten hard- chronic and progressive disease. away seem to be making more sense er. I used to be able to stay dry for a This time back I have cried while when they speak. They must have year without much trouble. I never sober. This time I hated beiig alcolearned from my relapse this time. had compulsions to drink once I holic, then accepted it. This time I The program got harder during the decided to stay sober awhile. This asked God, got answers I didn’t like, brief time I was away. The Fourth time I’ve had compulsions. I lick my and accepted them. This time I’m Step is no longer something to be l i ~ swhen beer commercials come on doing it the Big Book way, not the thought about and definitely sched- the television. It takes longer to turn “modern way,” or in a way that suits uled for “sometime later, when I the magazine page that advertises my intelligence better. This time I’ve have the time.” It is to be done now. pretty, potent potions. I notice when dummied up a little and gotten a lot The Third Step is suddenly a daily the local liquor store has a big sale. smarter by listening. ritual. And I also had to take it for- I am grateful for the compulsions. B. E , Bettendorf, Iowa mally, with a friend called “sponsor.”

January 1986

Forgettingthe basics From Elkhart, Ind.: After six wonderful years of sobri- checked into another treatment cenety, or maybe I should say five years, ter, this time with a different perspecand one year of being “dry,” I finally tive. I started over with Step One and did the one thing I was told I would followed dl instructions given to me. d o “if I discontinued attending AA Some things I did only because I was meetings.” I drank. told to, and amazingly, it has worked During the first years of my sobri- to date. ety, I never let a single week go by, It is amazing how the AA meetings without attending meetings. It was a have improved since I stopped drinkpleasure to attend. But, we moved to ing and “became a part o f ‘ the meetanother state, where “the AA was ings, instead of sitting on the outside not the same.” I had all of a sudden looking in, trying to change somebecome God again and I forgot sever- thing which is, and was, working just al very important facts: These new fine. R. V. AA members were in fact sober and enjoying life; their meetings were being conducted according to the Traditions; control of them and their meetings was not my assignment in life. I needed them. But all of the above was forgotten and I soon became “not as bad o f f ‘ as the other M s . The inevitable happened – I quit going to AA, and eventually drank. The drinking continued for nine months. I lost my job, had to relocate again, then became too ill to continue and ended up hospitalized (again). This period of sobriety lasted only ten months. Oh, how disturbed we can become when we forget a few basics. Acceptance, willingness, surrender, going to any length. My last drunk only lasted two weeks, thank God. I became so physically ill I could not continue. I finally called “those people” and asked for help. Help was at my front door within fifteen minutes. I

January 1986

‘The choice is ours’ From Queens, N.Y.: AA in my area began summer by mourning one of its members who died of alcoholism. When I was told that my friend was dead, I felt no surprise, no shock. Whenever I h e y that a recovering alcoholic has decided to drink again, I know the ultimate “yet” awaits him unless he chooses life and AA. I’ve heard it said around the program that the most natural thing for an alcoholic to do is drink. I do not believe this. After a year and a half of AA sobriety, I see that for an alcoyolic, drinking is a selfdestrhctive act. My friend was not created to destroy himself. I commit myself to AA sobriety, to growth and change, to life. And for me, part of that growth has come from additional therapy. If it comes to a choice between outside counseling or drinking, how can I hesitate? Sometimes, my pain and confusion b e c ~ m eso overwhelming that even the hope offered by the people in the program does not relieve me. Then, I know it is right for me to stand firm on the foundation of AA and reach out for the help available from other forces of good. AA has shown me that I don’t’ have to destroy myself. It is not “natural” to want to die. I don’t have to die of alcoholism; none of us do. The choice is ours. E.D.

Control drinking? From Phoenix, Ariz.: On page 30 of the Big Book it states: “The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker.” One of many specific illusions during my drinking days was that if I could only control it, I would automatically be able to enjoy it. In the course of my six years o f continuous sobriety, I have known several members of AA who have returned to controlled social drinking for a considerable period of time. By control, I mean the ability to hold down a job, keep the family unit intact, and send the kids off to college. Some have even managed to save a little money for their old age, which will probably never come. The only common denominator, other than the alleged “control,” is their blatant lack of ability to enjoy life as it comes on a daily basis. The bottom line is that, assuming I could control my drinking even to a limited extent (which I know from past experience is impossible), what possible benefit would it be if I could not enjoy it? I think this is why the authors of the Big Book used both words in explaining the nature of our illness. Personally, the only lasting enjoyment 1 have ever had in this life is through faith, hope, and belief in “a power greater than myself,” who is not only restoring me to sanity in spite of myself, but is unconditionally loving and understanding me – a person who cannot now, or ever, enjoy his drinking. ANONYMOUS

February 1 9 8 6

I ONCE HEARD a fellow AA say, “Sobriety is God’s gift to us, and what we d o with sobriety is our gift to God.” There are times when I am so overwhelmed with this gift, I become teary eyed. I sometimes ask: Why me? Why have I been chosen? There are so many people with this disease – literally millions who never receive the gift, and who, in my humble opinion, are just as worthy as I. There are also times in which I shout at my Higher Power: Why me? Why have I been given the cross to carry? I don’t want to be blessed! I

Poor Me, Pour MeI I

sober a few twenty-four hours, I have learned in AA that if I do not try to nip anger in the bud, I will soon fall into the poor me’s. Doesn’t anyone recognize how great I am? Why do 1 have to do it all? Why can’t anyone else do it for once? In my opinion, self-centeredness in high gear is the most dangerous defect of all. Early on, I heard “poor me, poor me, pour me a drink.” I didn’t understand. Today I do. When I am somehow expecting to be rewarded for receiving a gift from God, don’t want to carry the message! I then I am farthest from being aware just want to be left alone. Sobriety is that it is a gift. For me to forget that I too hard. You ask too much of me.. have alcoholism will mean death. So, This attitude used to make me rage thank you God for this precious gift with anger at myself. How could I let of sobriety. It is in fact a package myself sneak back into selfishness designed especially for me. and self-centeredness? Having been M. S., GrandIsland, Neb.

April 1986

Whds Under the Hood?3

I knew right away I could not han- idea that there might be a higher dle it. However, I did remember that power that was interested in me, per- I had choices. At that moment these sonally. choices could be listed as follows: Then again, there was nothing to 1) Get drunk. 2) Go to a meeting. lose. I reflected, in the parking lot, 3) Call my sponsor. 4) Pray. that if it didn’t work I could still get I knew I couldn’t exercise choices drunk. So I said a very short prayer. 2 or 3 in the middle of a parking lot. Something like: “Okay, Higher Pow- The earliest AA meeting I knew of er. If you really exist, please remove sion to drink. I continued going to six didn’t start for an hour and a half, this burden. Period.” and my sponsor might not be home I mentioned before that I insist on or seven AA meetings per week befor hours. And I might not last that immediate gratification. Naturally cause I feared, in the back of my mind, that if I ever did have that com- All at once, it seemed like the most long! (Immediate gratification, re- this principle includes prayer. pulsion I would yield to it. I am total- natural thing to do was to stop some- member?) That left only 1 and 4. Almost as I reached my car, I ly without willpower and believe where on the way home, pick up a bot- However, prayer is not something heard my name being called from firmly in immediate gratification. tle of “sippin’ whiskey,” then sit down that comes naturally to me. “Sought across the lot. 1 turned to see some- The other day was a Monday. Mon- and relax – for three or four days! through prayer and meditation.” one running toward me and waving. Now, I had often thought about Meditation was fine. Meditation can It was a man I knew slightly in the days can be rough in my job, and maybe this one was a little rougher drinking. That was all right. When I be scientifically verified; you put office and whose name I could not at than usual. As I crossed the parking thought about it, it did not seem like a people in a quiet room, hook them up the moment remember. I waited, wonlot at 5:00 PM I felt worn out emo- real smart idea. Thinking I could to a brain-wave machine, and have dering what he could possibly want. tionally and physically. The idea of handle. (“Think before you drink,” them meditate. You know meditation “Do you have a pair of jumper taking a drink never entered my etc.) But this was not a thought or an works because you can watch the cables?” he asked. mind. But suddenly, there it was: the idea. This was what they call a genu- alpha waves. But prayer was another “No,” I answered. Then 1 asked urge to drink. ine compulsion. matter. I had never quite accepted the astutely, “What’s the matter? Your

car won’t start?” He affirmed this Then I walked back toward my was the case. “Dead battery?” I own car, ready for my mind to take asked. up its previous train of misery. Ex- “No, the battety’s okay.” (At this cept I found that I didn’t have to. For point I began to suspect he knew less some reason my previous compulsion about cars than 1 do.) We walked was gone. back to his vehicle, discussing the As I drove home without stopping, problem. I wondered about what had just hap- “Maybe we could push-start it,” I pened. I remembered the brief prayer suggested. This sounded like a good I had uttered before this incident. I ! 1 I idea until I learned his car had an remembered also my unspoken deautomatic transmission. “Maybe the mand of God for immediate gratificarburetor’s flooded,” I suggested. cation. At first I couldn’t see the con- “Do you have a carburetor or fuel in- nection. But then again, my “need” jectors?” He didn’t know. for a drink was gone. We went on for several minutes After all, the message wasn’t hard like this, taking inventory of my to figure out. My Higher Power was friend’s car. Finally he decided to trying to tell me something like this: try starting it again. He got be- “As long as you are doing something hind the wheel and turned the switch. for someone else – even if he only The engine started at once, purring thinks he needs your help – you will like a kitten. After that, my friend be okay.” In this case, immediate could only shrug, grin, thank me, and gratification was followed by immedrive off. diate gratitude. “Any time,” I told him. B. B., San Francisco, Calif.

April 1 9 8 6

B y the time 1 was twenty-five, 1 had given birth to six children in seven. years, had a broken marriage Mass. It was Palm Sunday and I was told I should try Confession. The thought terrified me, but I did as was behind me, and was a full-blown alco- suggested. The kind words of the holic. Since I had grown up in a very dear man (an alcoholic priest) who religious atmosphere (Catholic school, heard my confession lifted my spirits Mass every day, three times on week- so that I could actually feel a weight ends, etc.) it wasn’t too difficult to removed from my heart and soul. drift away from the rigid confines of With the final absolution, a passage religion early in my adulthood.’ of a mere twenty seconds, I knew the Wallowing in self-pity, all alone insanity of twenty years was gone. It raising these children, 1 constantly was as if the hand of God was on my told myself and anyone who’d listen shoulder, touching me, guiding me just how I needed to drink, how toward sobriety and a much better much 1 deserved it. way of life. I drifted in and out of the AA pro- 1 haven’t touched a drink since that gram for several years and the pro- fantastic day. There are times when gression worsened as the time went the way is hard and life seems imposby. After many car accitlents, the loss sible, but now I know the means of of several jobs, and most of my coping. I have but to turn to God. sanity, I finally found my way back Sensing his presence, I have no need to this wonderful program. for alcohol or that horrendous way of M y sponsor convinced me to try life that I endured for so long. the spi,itual route and took me to M. M., FlagslaSf, A riz.

May 1986

toughest things for me was to go to alcohol and drugs. I thought if 1went discussion meetings, but I went be- to meetings (which 1 did), if I didn’t cause my sponsor told me to go. For drink (which I didn’t), every day three months I said nothing more should be pain free. When it didn’t

-& than my name and that I’m an alco- turn out that way, I became angry, reholic. But at least I went, and more sentful, full of self-pity, and didn’t year: morning drinking, blackouts, important than that, I listened. I think the program really worked. ,I lying and using people, dropping started hearing things for the first hadn’t dealt with feelings and emo-it classes in college, people covering for time, though I’m sure they had been tions when I was drinking, and I -s:– – –: me at work. Physically I had devel- said at meetings many times before. wasn’t dealing with them sober. But .- \: oped an enlarged liver that caused Little by little, changes were starting the program started working for me more ~ a i n than I could stand. to take place, and a bit of honesty when I started meeting life on life’s ~ & s ethan all those things were started developing. terms and not my own. the feelings of self-hate, the fears, the What I began to realize was that I I still go to five or six meetings suicidal thoughts, and so on. For a really was a lot like everybody else. I a week – open, discussion, and Step year I went to meetings but never put was sick, not bad. I started sharing a meetings. The Steps are so importhe drink down for more than four or few thoughts and people were very tant as I travel along the road to five weeks at a time. patient with me. Eventually the fear recovery. They help me with choices Almost a year later to the date, of sharing started to decrease. and decisions that have to be made I I had what I hope was my last drink. These last three years have been day by ‘day. How, at age twenty-one, could al- very different from the first two. I am not alone anymore unless 1 cohol have taken control of my There has been a lot of struggle, with choose to be. The relationship I have life? It didn’t matter though, because ups and downs, bouts with depres- developed with my’ Higher Power, it had. sion, defiance, and taking control. whom I choose to call God, is unbe- That was almost five years ago, But what I have learned not to do is lievable, and it can only get better as and by the grace of God, I am still keep it inside, because that only long as I keep doing what the prosober today. My first two years in the makes me sicker. gram suggests. I used to think that the program were very difficult. I had Looking back at those firs’t two less help I had to ask for, the better I constant depressions and suicidal years, I see now why it was so diffi- was, because it meant I could do more thoughts, and constantly battled the cult for me. I was loaded with anger, on my own. I see where that kind of desire to drink. After two years I end- resentment, self-pity, jealousy; the thinking led me. I ask for help a lot ed up in a detox center, luckily before list goes on. I worked hard at being today, not only in the morning and at I drank. I spent three weeks there, who I thought everybody wanted me night, but also throughout the day., and it gave me a chance to take a to be, happy-go-lucky without a care In order for me to maintain my so-

A s my fivayear anniversary draws near, I feel not only grateful, but also overwhelmed. I walked into better look at my sobriety. I did not come out of the detox center raring to go at the program. The in the world, but inside I was falling apart. My acceptance of life and situations always had an as long as briety and serenity, to live life the way it is supposed to be lived, 1,needtotal reliance on God, sharing what is going * ‘ my f m t AA meeting six years ago following two months I stayed on the attached. I could turn my will and life on in my life with other people, and looking to be taught how to drink the fence and finally came close to drink- over as long as. . . .I fought life every doing what I am supposed to d o no : .?:.*. I. right way. Little did I know all the ing again. I had a sponsor, but now I step of the way. matter how I feel. .r ,,,$ R i . en that could happen only in a started to really use her. One of the I used the program the way I used D. J., West. .. 4 b o , . I ro , + Ma+

June 1 9 8 6

clearly. I had another drink or two, yers, mechanics, engineers. . .you and the vision slipped away. The next name it, we had it. It was impossible

THE morning I felt so depressed that I tried suicide, some barbiturates prescribed for my “nerves,” washed down with booze. I was astounded to feel elated and wonderful again now to attend meetings of this group without being different from (and also the same as) some other AA present. I ingratiated myself with “them” by informing the schoolgirl that I had

GROUP that I believed I had put all the misery spilled more booze on my necktie behind me. Less than a week later I than she had ever drunk, mused was drinking again and in full flight aloud that it was small wonder lawfrom reality. yers became alkies, and sneered Later I discovered other high roll- about “cookbook engineers.” I faners (as I saw myself) in AA who cied myself as being so bad that I was S ick, sober, and sorry, I attended my first AA meeting, going all alone, in the 1950s. I was at least fifso on. Driven by the intense suffering drinking caused, I would return to AA from time to time, seeking relief thought and felt about life as I did. We reshaped AA, the rest of the world, and all the people in it. The unique and proud of it. I was a real alcoholic. The group didn’t throw me out teen years younger than anyone else from a life I did not enjoy. I became only trouble was, I could not stay (maybe that’s what I really hoped present, and did not identify with deeply embittered and hostile because sober. Walls to keep others away anything I heard. I went home disap- I could find no peace when I quit went up, and I became a prisoner in pointed and depressed even though I drinking. Life without booze seemed I my own fortress. I had become was made to feel quite welcome. I dull and boring. I did more and more “different.” simply “wasn’t that bad.” solitary drinking, fearful for my The year 1978 found me in the most unlikely AA group that can be

Just Another Grape I

on the Vine Countless vain attempts to prove I sanity. I tried psychiatrists, treatment could drink like other people fol- programs, and read lots of “fix your lowed. Too proudly self-sufficient own head” books. and stubborn to admit I was bodily I recall admiring my presence in the and mentally different from my fel- mirror behind the bar late one night. lows where booze was concerned, I Suddenly a great feeling of elation tried every imaginable remedy. I and wonder came over me. All at switched jobs, went to beer only, once I knew who I was, why I was counted drinks, tried antabuse, and here, and saw the meaning of life

was a Big Book study group, and AAs, and our AA Fellowship for my there is some truth in the old saw, “If life. There is a saying that when the you want to hide something from an pupil is ready, the teacher will alcoholic, put it in the Big Book.” A appear. Everyone in that group bebrand new paragraph still mysteri- came my teacher, and I learned the ously appears in my Big Book now basic lesson that people are different, and then. some maybe even special, but as alco- I became a regular at Big Book and holics we differ little in the pain we Step meetings and slowly came to suffered and the experience, strength, realize that AA offered a program of and hope we can offer to other daily living as well as sobriety. All my alcoholics. life I had no plan for living and was As AA grows there are more and just winging it, with disastrous more special groups forming for results. I was once a practicing men, women, policemen, gays, agnostic, and this group helped me to young people, and so on. I sometimes discover that God as I understand wonder if I would enjoy living sober him, plus prayer and meditation, today if I had found a special group bring the peace I sought all my life. whose members see themselves as My big ego crumbled enough for me different from other alcoholics. I also to get a sponsor. I learned that I can wonder if some of the AA groups I help myself by being useful to others. attend aren’t becoming just a bit I got a great feeling of belonging, and special without intending to. And I life began to take on pleasant aspects have to wonder, am I doing my best again. I no longer saw myself as so to make all newcomers feel welcome unique I had to be proud of it. to our Fellowship, just as that Big Most of those AAs I maliciously Book group did for old unique and insulted are still around today and are obnoxious me? good friends. I owe God, these gentle J. F., Aurora, Ill.

August 1986

impatience at any delay in getting additional slips before I was finally home, and finally the relief of the able to grasp the program, but this first drink. That first drink haunted time grasp it I did. I discovered that me throughout the day. It became my you can appear to have the program, most important thought, and often you can know the terminology, you my only thought. can “talk the ‘kalk,” but if you don’t Throughout, however, I still con- really have the desire to stop drinking sidered myself a member of AA. I you have only grasped an illusion. hadn’t lost contact with my sponsor. This time Tradition Three is mine! He knew that something was wrong, And now the rest of the program and ultimately knew that I was drink- makes sense. I even find the slogans ing again. He was wise, though, be- falling from my lips (how I hated cause he also knew that any decision those slogans before). I look forward

-. . T o d a y I celebrate my first year .,” “birthday. The feelings of joy .*:, and gratitude are overwhelming, for celebrated a first birthday be- My home group gives poker chips to mark three, six, and nine months of sobriety. I took my chips and smiled. I accepted my first year cake . .to stop drinking and to return to AA had to be mine. And fortunately for me, the time arrived. My “slip” lasted two and one-half years, but I had finally reached my bottom! to meetings rather than dread them, and my smile is genuine. I relish the new freedoms I have found. Life is once again precious. I’m involved – in AA and in life. What a difference this time! What a’difference this time! and smiled some more. But the smile And even this time there were a few J. M.,Vancouver,B.C. ‘yearstago when I attempted became a wall behind which I hid my -sobriety for the first time, I managed, anger and my loneliness. Most people after a period of slipping and sliding, were fooled. Worst of all, I fooled k to s p y sober for eighteen months. To myself. And after a few more months the inevitable cycle began again. It wasn’t too bad at first. Drinking didn’t lead immediately to drunkenness. But soon I was drinking heavily again, and drinking to get drunk. And it was worse this time. All my friends knew that I was a member of AA. So now I drank alone, locked in the privacy of my apartment. My apartment became my bar. I would stock up on the way home from work, and once home I would close the door and open the first bottle. It became an unchanging pattern – the morning hangover, the struggle to get to work, the midday remorse, the struggle to survive the afternoon, the

August 1 9 8 6

A tougher path From Norfolk, Neb.: Recently I had a “slip.” Up to that time I had (for the most part) enjoyed nearly three years of sobriety. However, the last three months of that sobriety could well have been spent drinking, because 1 had already slipped back into old ideas and unsuccessful attitudes. When I finally sobered up from the actual drinking, I felt hurt and sorry, and wanted someone to tell me it was “alright.” My answer came from As Bill Sees It. His message was quite clear and consoling. In article 68 Bill writes, “Though I know how hurt and sorry you must be after this slip, please do not worry about a temporary loss of your inner peace. As calmly as you can, just renew your efforts on the AA program, especially those parts of it which have to do with meditation and self-analysis.” And in article 1 I , he writes, “For some reason or other, the Lord has laid out tougher paths for some of us, and I guess you are treading one of them,” and later continues, “So I would not stay away from AA through any feeling of discouragement or shame. It’s just the place you should be.” J. w.

October 1 9 8 6

‘Are you alright? night for weeks on end. Until one and takes many forms. The program From Hershey, Pa.: day I reached the end, and sitting in a is to live my life so that I will recognize Getting sober has been for me a restaurant I was trying to come up people in need and be ready to help lifetime job. My father was an alco- with a painless, easy way to do away them. Rehabs are a valuable tool but holic but he never admitted it, which with myself. The fellow across the can never be a pillow or an excuse for made him just a drunk and a very sick table asked me, “Are you alright?” I not meeting my own responsibility to person. After he died, as he himself wanted to deny anything was wrong myself and to those who still suffer said, “without a friend in the world,” but something stopped me. I said, from alcoholism. my mother started her own addiction. “No, everything is not alright” and ANONYMOUS Anyone who thinks alcoholism isn’t a told him a little of my story. disease.ought to take a look at the “Well,” he said, “I’m a member realities. of this Fellowship and a lot of us have Knowing all about the problems of been able to stop drinking.” I was alcohol, I still went out and drank amazed and I went to my first AA meeting on a Dublin Quay. My friend stayed with me, fed me, took me to meetings, and introduced me to the program and to new sober friends. He helped me from that moment to the time of my departure from Ireland. Back in the U.S. I have found things different. The common wisand somewhere in mv drinking be- dom seems to be: send the person came an alcoholic. I fought it, stop- away to a rehab for thirty days and ping drinking several times for ex- tell him where the meetings are when tended periods, but always it returned. he gets out, and he is on his own to Not only did the drinking episodes accept and work the program. Yet I get worse but the dry periods got remember something my friend said worse as well. I knew that I was an al- to me when he saw me off at the aircoholic but there didn’t seem to be port: “You have helped me, more anything to do about it. Drastic ac- than I have helped you.” tion like a rehab or a ,detox did not Before there were Steps, before seem in order since my problem had there was a program, before there not reached drastic proportions like were rehabs, there was fellowship, jail or a mental hospital. men and women sharing with each I had been dry several months other. Somehow the words “Are you when I went to Ireland for business alright?” – the concern and the willand a vacation. Over there I started ingness to reach out – are for me the drinking and, without the normal heart of the program. checks in place, the drinking over- Alcoholics come in all shapes and whelmed me morning, noon, and sizes and addiction has many levels

December 1 9 8 6

They grabbed up a couple of cans spot, and one of the guys said he was and read the label. They looked at getting a buzz. We assured him it was me, shrugged, and opened them up. only his imagination. “Good stuff,” they said, and we The next day I thought back about all laughed. the experiment the night before and On the way to our favorite fishing realized the stuff might not be as safe . spot, we stopped off at the store to as first perceived. All the symptoms . pick up a case. Malt beverage then in of a wet drunk were there. Although I hand, driving down the highway to felt no guilt or fear about breaking our fishing destination, I remem- my sobriety, I did learn a great lesson bered a sensation from the not-so- about “nonalcoholic” beverages. long-ago past when I was drinking They are certainly not for me. beer – the nasal passages starting to The taste, the smell, and even the run, the craving for a cigarette, the empty cans were all grim reminders sudden urge to pull over and find a of what it used to be like, and that is restroom. But no alcohol, right? as close as I ever want to get. We arrived at our favorite fishing J. A., Grandview, Mo.

T he AA program has taught me a great number of positive tools to use in order to maintain my sobriety. I called my sponsor when 1 got home from the store, and he indicated that the stuff might possibly be But every now and then, my attitudes safe, but that I should proceed with and my thinking keep me from using caution. He suggested an experiment these tools. if I decided to drink anymore of this My latest lesson took place at a stuff, and if the results were botherstore here in town. This store hap- ing me then I should leave it alone. pens to have, from time to time, little What better night to try this experisample tables with new food or drink ment than a Saturday night, out products, which I can never pass under the stars, fishing with a couple without a free taste. Well, this table of AA buddies, just us, nature, God, attracted my attention to a product and an occasional catfish? So I purlabeled as “a nonalcoholic malt bev- chased a six-pack, put it on ice in a erage.” I asked the person behind the foam cooler, and headed for the local table to please explain to me this beer AA meeting. No guilt or fear so far with no alcohol in it, which I was – hey, no alcohol, right? about to sample. (No alcohol. . .? After the meeting, my buddies and Can’t hurt me now, can it?) I went out to the parking lot. I With no conscious fear or guilt I opened the trunk, then the cooler, sampled this drink, and I was im- popped the top off a cold can and pressed. Hey, I hadn’t tasted beer for took a good long swallow. over three years, and this malt bever- “Smooth stuff, tastes just like age was delicious! beer,” I remarked to my friends.

bruary 1987

Both the baby and the boozer are handicap to sobriety. Had I been as impatient. We want what we want keen as my ego told me I was, I would when we want it – and we always have perceived that pride in my want it now! We will not tolerate pro- intelligence blinded me to how much crastination other than our own. The I did not know. world should respond immediately A medical doctor, sober six years, . to our wishes or suffer the conse- described his early difficulty in stopquences of our resentment, defiance, ping drinking. After two years and self-pity. around AA he had never exceeded Dr. Tiebout’s message was that if five weeks’ abstinence. One night he the alcoholic merely stops drinking he heard a Mexican member accept his or she still has those infantile person- sixteenth anniversary cake with this ality traits. It takes the Twelve Steps humble response: to bring about maturity. I waited for “I don’t speak English so good, so him to divide us alcoholics into clas- I just want to thank all of you in AA sifications. My motive, as you have and my Higher Power for this guessed, was obvious. If there were a program.” special kind of intellectual alcoholic, The doctor marveled that this man, I would belong in that category and poorly educated even in his native would not have an infantile ego! language, had picked up enough I didn’t see that feeling superior serenity and wisdom in AA to keep 66 he alcoholic has an infan- use a kinder adjective than infantile? was part of my infantile ego. Dr. him sober sixteen years. Yet the T t i l e ego.’ m a t ‘ s what the Like “juvenile” or “adolescent”? Tiebout never opened the escape doctor, with all his education, man told me. I cringed inwardly, Dr. Tiebout described the char- hatch. I remained lumped together training, and cultural advantages, knowing he meant me, personally, acteristics we alcoholics shared with with all of you other alcoholics – the couldn’t avoid booze for much more even though I was one among several infants. First, there was the illusion dumb, the average, and the brilliant. than a month. The physician resolved thousand people at the twenty-fifth of omnipotence – having all power. After the Convention I became to stop analyzing AA and its members International AA Convention in The baby controls his environment, more aware of a phenomenon in AA. for flaws and instead to apply the Long Beach, California in July of his universe, by his cries and his Many very intelligent people were program as the Mexican had done. 1960. I had been sober more than two cooing. The alcoholic, like the baby, staying drunk: men and women with A man with a Ph.D. in engineering years, a miraculous circumstance con- is self-centered. His feelings, his advanced degrees -doctors, lawyers, told how he had attended AA for six sidering that I had remained ignorant wishes, are all-important. The baby engineers, members of the clergy. On months, drinking between meetings, of the true depth and scope of AA. doesn’t intend to keep people awake, the other hand, a lot of virtual anxiously waiting to hear our big The speaker who had branded my or inconvenience them. Those side illiterates and those to whom English secret of how we now drank without ego “infantile” was Dr. Harry effects of his needs and demands sim- was a difficult second language were getting into trouble. He never heard Tiebout, whom co-founder Bill W. ply do not intrude upon his aware- happily sober. the plain message which is voiced 5 called AA’s first friend in psychiatry. ness. In the alcoholic’s case, if others One of our beloved, long-sober every meeting and in our literature , At the time I didn’t know Dr. Tie- manage to make him aware of his un- AA members in California used to that our suggested Twelve Steps, if bout’s credentials, but his words pleasant impact on their lives, he say in his talks, “If I had been two practiced, will keep us comfortably somehow penetrated my own hard- frowns briefly and shrugs off their percent smarter, I’d be dead!” I first abstinent one day at a time. shelled alcoholic ego. But couldn’t he trifling quibbles. thought he meant intelligence was a One college professor, sober four-

teen years in AA, told me he always bombard you with probing queswore his Phi Beta Kappa key when he tions, perhaps even get angry at you talked at or chaired meetings. This or himself for not comprehending. was not to impress the general mem- But the intellectual Narcissus doesn’t bership. He knew us noncollege types get angry when you attempt to diswouldn’t notice the small emblem close his potentially fatal denial of alor know what it represented if we coholism. He is above the issue, so did. He wore it so college-educated far above it that it escapes his mental persons who recognized it or who vision. had one might see that academic The writer Stanislaw Lem is quoted achievement gave no immunity to in Omni magazine as stating, “The alcoholism or raised one above the first obligation of intelligence is to helpfulness of AA. distrust itself.” The pride-filled alco- In my Twelfth Step work and talk- holic, however analytical and perceping to many intelligent, competent tive on other subjects, is unable to men and women who could not stay distrust his own thinking about his sober, I noted a common denomina- drinking. He will distrust your thinktor. They were unable to grasp the ing, even though your experience is simple concept that their mental much vaster than his. He will distrust ability was unrelated to their alcohol- the latest research on the subject by ism. I’ve know professional athletes respected scientists. He will cling who eventually acknowledged that without self-doubt to his most absurd their physical prowess was not related and unfounded assumptions. to their ability to handle alcohol. But Is there no hope for the very intellithose who were hung up on pride of gent alcoholic who cannot see that it’s intellect were not even able to recog- his ego, not his IQ, that is the issue in nize they were being confronted with his drinking? their denial. Yes, there is indeed hope. By a Show such a person the statement, paradox he will later rejoice in, but “A chief symptom of alcoholism is cannot recognize today, his progresdenial that one has it.” If pride were sive illness will save him. If it doesn’t absent, simple logic would tell him kill him first, alcoholism will beat that mere denial of an alcohol prob- him t o his knees. Pain will be his lem, when family and friends are con- educator, his mentor. He will topple cerned about it, is futile and even from the throne from which he has ridiculous. It is the person’s self- looked down with condescension recognition of the problem that is in upon “those alcoholics.” He will question! echo the words at the end of chapter This same person, if he doesn’t two of the Big Book: “Yes, I am one understand your concept of a politi- of them; I must have this thing.” cal issue or nuclear physics, will L. H., Greensboro, N.C.

March

doing things with me like cribbage, talked, I wondered how they had ever Monopoly, picnics, and walks. My gotten straightened out. I could see small business prospered, my bills got where they needed the whole propaid, I had many friends in and out gram. But I could not for the life of of AA, and I was a respected member me (and that’s what it almost cost me) of the business community. As my see that my life was unmanageable. It friends told me: “You are a much- was anything but. 1had a loving wife, blessed and much-loved man,” and well-behaved, talented children, a I was – all simply because I had successful business. My life unmanstopped drinking. ageable? Furthermore, I was not mad And I continued to go to AA. I at anybody, I wasn’t afraid of anyliked it and realized that my associa- thing, I was not feeling sorry for mytion with Alcoholics Anonymous was self, and if I had any resentments, the reason things were going so well. I they weren’t bothering me. I just did have a few doubts and reserva- didn’t have all those character defects tions about some of the things I heard that everybody else talked about. To at meetings. There was much talk the best of my knowledge, I didn’t about God, for instance. In fact, I need all those Steps. Booze was a sometimes thought that all I heard was problem, obviously, and always had God this, God that, God the other been, but not much else was wrong thing. But there all those people sat that I could see. educated a bit about alcoholism, I regular attender of the Friday meeting right in front of me with smiles on So life went on happily and merrily knew that if I didn’t do something and occasionally went to the one on their faces, most of them with jobs, for a whole year. Thanksgiving rolled about my drinking, I was going to Tuesday. I was adopted almost at fairly decent clothes, most with around and many friends gathered lose everything I had – wife, chil- once by a big Irish nurse who became families, leading generally useful, together at our house for dinner. My dren, business, money, home. So I my sponsor and still is. How she ever , constructive lives. They claimed it wife suggested that we serve drinks, went to AA. I’d had a taste of AA in put up with my intellectual preten- was because God was doing for them so I mixed and served them. I also the hospital, and though I had some sions and general arrogance I’ll never what they could not do for them- had one. I remember being.a bit fearreservations, in general I liked it. I know, but she did (and still does!). It selves, and that the Twelve Steps on ful after swallowing it, and I recalled was welcomed sincerely and genuine- was a small group, but representa- the wall showed them the God of hearing at the meetings that I would ly at my first meeting out of the hos- tive, as all AA groups are, of the their understanding. They said that be hooked again if I ever took anpital; in fact, the chairman got up out general run of mankind. There was a Step One was the cornerstone of other drink. But nothing happened. of his chair and walked halfway to college professor, a successful busi- sobriety and until they had taken The sky did not fall in. Aha! thought the door to greet me. “Bob,” he said, nessman, a real estate salesman, a both parts of that Step with no res- I, perhaps I am not an alcoholic after “we’re glad you’re here,” and I knew former lady of the night, a truck ervations, all their other efforts were all? But I didn’t have any more that I was in the right place. I have heard driver, a housewife or two, and then in vain. day, didn’t want another one, in fact. hundreds of people say the same me – the resident intellectual. After listening to their stories, it And for a whole month I continued thing since. My life got better from the first day was quite obvious that they were to go to AA and didn’t feel the neces- We had two meetings a week at in AA. My wife and I became lovers indeed powerless over alcohol and sity for a drink. that time, a Tuesday open meeting and friends once again; my kids that their lives were unmanageable. Christmas came; we had guests; we and a Friday closed one, I became a began to warm up to me and enjoyed In fact, the way some of those people had drinks again, and I had – two. .

Well, I do not remember how long it Very shortly, on a morning in late – was, less than a month I think – and July as 1 got out of bed with the I was back on the booze full time, but sweats, the shakes, the terror, and the with a very big difference. During obsession, I realized that if I took that year of abstinence my capacity another drink, I was going to die for alcohol had dropped from a fifth not in a week or a day or two, not on a day to half of a half-pint a day. the way to the hospital, but right Four ounces of alcohol was all it took then. And I thought, in an instant it to keep me sodden. It scared me a seemed, of the one great thing that little at first to think that my toler- everybody at the meetings had talked ance for booze had dropped so dra- about: God. All the talk about “God matically, especially since I wasn’t this, God that, God the other thing,” even drinking, and I remembered and all the things God had done for and continued to hear at meetings those people seemed to flash through that alcoholism was a progressive dis- my mind, and I cried out, “God, ease. But I kept right on drinking my please relieve me of the terrible obseslittle bit. sion to drink.” And it was gone in an For some reason, known only to instant, in the twinkling of an eye. I God, I kept going to meetings. So did not have to drink anymore. I felt crafty and sneaky was I that not even clean inside and out for the first time my sponsor knew I was drinking; nor in my life, as if a wind of spirit had did anyone in my family. For two and blown through me; and I knew that a half years this went on, and in the all was well, right now and forever, late spring of 1969 the inevitable end both here and hereafter, and it didn’t came into view. My eyesight grew really matter whether I lived or died. I dim and blurred, I was short of just didn’t have to drink again – by breath, I shook all day and all night, the grace of God. what energy I had was rapidly melt- Many things have happened to me ing away. It took every ounce of will- since that day. I could fill up quite a power I had to get out of bed and get few pages telling you about them. But to the shop. I knew I was dying, and I I soon realized that I could not stay knew what was doing it. But the obses- sober forever on that one great experision for alcohol was more powerful ence; so I began the spiritual journey than ever before. I had to have it or through the Steps, and I have taken die, and I was dying because I had to them several times since. I am just a have it. The terror mounted. I thought garden variety drunk who has found about Antabuse, but obviously I had a way to live happily and constructo stop before I could take the stuff. I tively without alcohol, and to particihad a crazy thought about going back pate in the common lot of humanto AA but I was already going! I was kind, being thankful for all things. dying and there was no way out. Anonymous, Wyo.

April 1 9 8 7

The breaks. . . From Omaha, Neb.: a snack and reading a small maga- I was twenty-two years old when I zine. Angry at his intrusion, I gulped was introduced to the Fellowship of down the coffee and walked to the Alcoholics Anonymous. I’d had door. I had the door opened and was quite a bit of pain, suffering, and hu- just heading out when I glanced at miliation; however, after eighty-nine the man’s magazine. It was the days of sobriety I drank again. This , was not a slip. This was the willful and deliberate drinking of an unconvinced alcoholic. When I awoke the next day, I was scared, confused, and alone. I wondered if it had been a bad dream. I even pinched myself and the dreadful news seeped into my consciousness. What had happened? I didn’t know. I asked him if he was in the pro- My mind turned to running, and gram. He said yes. I closed the door Wyoming was the ticket. Walking to and sat down. We talked for what work, I had a brainstorm. I’d go to seemed like hours. Neither of us had work, explain my predicament, bor- anything more important to do. He row some money, and take the first was sober four years and,I was sober bus out of town. twelve hours. Mostly he talked and I My co-workers agreed but wanted listened. me to stay a few more days. Payday It has been three years since that was a few days away, and someone day and neither myself nor my friend offered me a place to stay. I thanked has had to drink. I’ve never been them but told them I would finish the back to that break room and I don’t day and leave that evening for think that he has either. In the three Wyoming. years that have passed, I have 1 went about the business of work. received a lot of help from many Hungover, angry, confused, I ducked people, but I believe and know that into a small coffee room I had never that man helped when nobody else been in: Grateful for the solitude, I could. At the very instant of my drank some coffee and tried to make despair, he was there, reading the sense of the night before. A man magazine of Alcoholics Anonymous: came in and sat down. He was eating the Grapevine. S. B.

June 1987

The thought I am trying to convey is that the principles of AA may be We’re all human – perfect, but we the people will fail. Let’s not give the newcomer false why pretend ideals, that we alcoholics in AA are to be perfect? different from our fellow human beings, that there is something special about us because we are sober in AA. I’ve seen door greeters turn away Let’s not mislead them into thinking from someone because he was dirty we are perfect and miss helping them and looked unkempt. I’ve seen a because eventually they will realize, drunk thrown out of a meeting for as I did, that we are not. Nothing using bad language. I’ve had people turns this alcoholic off more than a ignore me when I’ve tried to share phony. 1 once said when speaking at a some troublesome problem with meeting that I didn’t think AA was so them. I’ve had people ask “how you great. Everybody laughed, and they doin’?” and rush off before I could laughed because they identified. even answer. I’ve had people tell me I think we should really say how we they were too busy to talk to me. I’ve feel, even if it is negative. Let’s not be gone to sit with people at a meeting afraid we won’t impress newcomers; only to have them move when I sat they will be impressed with our hon- ‘m tired of all the goody, goody cause of the tremendous relief from down. People will tell you that “we in esty. My opinion is that people who stories about AA and how simply the effects alcohol itself had on us, AA care about you.” How come I get get up and tell the same old story over great and wonderful everybody is. but I think it is also caused by the the feeling sometimes that you don’t and over again are not sharing how Let’s be real for a minute. In our good impressions we in AA try to care? I’ve seen new people standing they feel. Who feels the same way all drinking we all did our share of run- give new people. Of course we are in a corner alone, where I used to the time? I believe we ‘have an emoning away from reality and pretend- anxious for them to stick around and stand, and no one talks to them. tional illness, and how are we going to ing things weren’t really “that bad.” find the peace that some of us have, They say at my group that “friend- move forward if we don’t share those They tell us in AA we should get but is it beneficial to them to present ships made in AA are lasting ones.” emotions? Sharing to me is telling honest with ourselves. Nothing in this as unreal a world of sobriety as their This is not something I need to hear how you feel, not telling a pat story world is perfect and 1 think we in AA drinking world was? to stay sober. Over the years I’ve because that’s what makes you comtend to imply that everything is going One of my slips was actually trig- made friends, but they come and go fortable. to be absolutely wonderful if we just gered by the realization that the peo- just like in “the real world.” In my It took some effort to complete this get sober. I’ve been around AA over ple in AA were not perfect, and I was drinking I was possessive of people article, and I felt inspired by my ten years and have had many experi- terribly hurt and disappointed. I and got terribly upset when I lost Higher Power to do so. I hope it will ences with imperfection; some of you found that AA was not the wonder- them. People die, they move away, give someone something to think may know them as slips. ful, marvelous end-all I thought it you lose touch. Some stop going to about. And if you have some negative My first encounter with AA was was. Of course I got a huge resent- meetings, for one reason or another. feelings about AA, I hope you will one of awe and wonder. You might ment and became quite hopeless Nothing in this world is lasting. share them with someone. May God refer to this feeling ‘ as “a pink (again) to think that AA was not People and circumstances will always bless you and keep you in his care. cloud.” I suppose we get this way be- going to work for me. change. M. R., WesfSpringfield, Mass.

July 1987

stop, that way if the bus ever does have an open container law in this come I’ll be waiting. town and you just broke it.” I hid myself in the bushes, sure no I had never thanked a cop for anyone would be able to see me. I felt a thing in my life, till that day. I’m sure little guilty about getting back to he thought I was crazy. He did keep a drinking again, giving up my short hand near his gun every time I started length of sobriety – but I had tried, talking to him. I thanked him for hadn’t I? I asked a higher power for stopping me before I took the first help and nothing happened. Here drink. I told him I never expected to goes nothing. I popped the top on my be seen in those bushes. can of beer. As I stepped out of the bushes, put- Before I could get it to my lips I ting the ticket in my wallet, along came heard a voice behind me say, “Pour it my bus. Once seated I remembered out, buddy.” I could not believe it. my asking a higher power for this W hile waiting for a bus on yet another day when I had not located a job, 1 found myself thinkand doing drugs he fought his higher power’s will for him. Now he goes along with his higher power and finds Was this my higher power? 1 looked bus. Maybe that counselor was right. around rather slowly. There was one A higher power does work in ways we ing about my life, old and new. I had that things always work out for the of my town’s finest men in blue, least expect, but he does work. only recently settled in this southern best even in ways he least expects. ticket book in hand. “You know we R. M., Gainesville, Flu. city with my family. Also, I was only Where is that dumb bus? Boy, a three short weeks out of an alcoholic cold beer would be good right now. treatment center that had been very Who would know if I had a beer? I AA-oriented. Now I’m sitting in this can walk across to that store and get hot sun waiting for a dumb bus. one before the bus comes. One beer What do those people in AA know, won’t hurt me. It’s hot sitting here in anyway? What do those dumb coun- this sun. I deserve one beer. It’s been selors really know about life? It’s nine long weeks without one. I’ve easy for them. They are all working been good and look what it’s gotten and have cars. They don’t know what me: no job, sitting on a bench waiting it’s like to sit on this hot bench and for a bus in a strange city. wait for a dumb bus. Okay, higher power, here is one for They were always talking about a you. If you want me to stay sober higher power; that if you let your bring on the bus before the light higher power work with you instead changes three times. One.. .two. . . of for you he or she will always help three.. .no bus. See that? So much you in ways that are best for you. for a higher power working with you I remembered one counselor in if you ask. i particular. This little, bald-headed I went across the street and bought guy (I’m six-foot-four with a full a can of beer. Now I thought, where head of hair) was always talking can I drink it where I won’t be seen? about letting his higher power control (My town has an open container law.) his life, of how when he was drinking Those bushes over there by the bus

October 1987

average. Four meetings every week evidence that I was getting nothing did constitute a fair number, but also for my own sobriety by wasting my was a significant decrease from my time listening to them. previous frequency. Looking back, I 6) While all of this was going on, now reaiize that this entire exercise in my “success” in sharing my “experi- ‘ rationalization was in reality a drink ence, strength, and hope” catapulted speaking to me, but dressed up in a me into that circle of the anointed; I clever disguise. became a “circuit speaker.”‘ I began 1 2) Imperceptibly my priorities to be invited to speak to various annishifted. Staying sober, which had versary meetings on a consistent been without question my number- basis. Instead of feeling humble one priority for such a long time, about the responsibility, I became endropped behind my need for ego- tranced with the “honor” and rockgratification and an overwhelming eted away on a full velocity “ego I n many of the closed meetings 1 attend the question is often asked: “Did anyone think of a drink drive for “success” in the material world. trip.” 7) My becoming a “circuit speaktoday?” Based on my own experi- 3) Without ever being aware of it, I er” led directly to my stopping doing ence, I think an equally relevant began to lose my sense of gratitude – Twelfth Step work in terms of being a question should be: “Did anyone get gratitude to the AA program and to sponsor, making Twelfth Step calls, visited today by a drink in disguise?” my higher power – for having res- working with newcomers, etc. “After After seven and a half years of con- cued me from an alcoholic hell. In- all,” I reasoned to myself, “now that tinuous sobriety in AA 1 picked up a stead of feeling continuously grateful I am in such demand as a speaker, I drink. That single glass of wine esca- for my sobriety, I started to take my really cannot commit myself t o any lated into eight long years of living sobriety for granted. more Twelfth Step work.” ‘ hell. Yet leading up to that slip I never 4) With the change in my thinking 8) Throughout my entire time in once thought of a drink – as a drink! and attitudes as described, I became the program, I had never completed Through the grace of God I found critical of AA – not the program per the Fifth Step. Oh, I had admitted to my way back to AA. I have just cele- se, but the way I saw so many people myself and to God all my sins and brated two continuous years of sobri- working it “incorrectly.” I began to character defects, but never to one I , ety. Why I had that slip; why I picked feel that far too many members of the other human being. I reasoned, of ‘ up that drink has been a focal point Fellowship “hid away from real life” course, that since no one mortal of my thinking over this period of by burying themselves in AA. They could handle the enormity of my time for the simple reason that there were not out there on “the firing line awful, terrible rottenness, by dividing will be no third chance – I cannot fically they were: of life” as I believed I was. it up into pieces and dishing out all of afford to repeat that terrible mistake 1) After six full years of attending 5) My criticism of AA now began the pieces over my continuous speakagain! meetings between seven and ten times to spread to a large proportion of ing commitments I was actually doing In reviewing what happened, I a week, I concluded that such a fre- speakers whom I had heard on one or the Fifth Step. Such palpable selfhave come to realize that in nine dif- quency was “overdoing things.” 1 more previous occasions. 1 felt that conning was, of course, that relentless ferent disguises, a drink began to gradually cut back to where I was they had nothing new to say, which drink pursuing me in another of its beckon to meafter six years. Speci- attending four meetings a week on was a clear indication that they were clever masks. not growing, which was inescapable 9) Finally, I had never asked any-

one to be my sponsor, but conned If my first seven and a half years in myself just as effectively i s I did with AA were a gift from God (which in the Fifth Step by believing that two spite of the terror of that eight-year old-timers (one of whom just hap- slip I truly believe to be the case), then pened to be my father) had “appoint- this second chance is an even greater ed themselves” as my sponsors. gift and evidence of God’s unending By allowing myself to be drawn in grace. However, in order to hang on by those nine “reasons,” I had set my- to that gift, I have to be certain on a self up so that when the opportunity daily basis that history does not rearose, as it did on a business trip peat itself. Hence, whenever any of outside of the country, I neglected to those attitudes I have discussed inturn down a glass of wine offered to trudes into my thinking, 1 can bring me in the course of a dinner. myself up short by saying: “Hey, Being able to look back on that sit- jerk, you are looking at a drink. Reuation, every single one of those nine ject that thought just as firmly as you reasons was, in reality, a drink com- would reject the thought of putting a ing at me incognito – not as a drink, bottle to your lips.” but cleverly disguised as something So when the chairperson asks: else. As we read in the fifth chapter of “Did anyone think of a drink the Big Book and should never today?” I simply add for my own forget: “Remember, we deal with continuous sobriety, “Did anyone alcohol, cunning, baffling and get visited by a drink in disguise?” powerful.” W. W., North Wales, Pa.

October 1987

“The People Principle” From Modesto, Calif.: Today, the memory of the various Thank God for the Grapevine. It To claim a slip was “triggered” by hurts and betrayals I went through has given me a lot of pleasure, the realization that AAs aren’t per- along the way is fine. They helped to strength, and answers where I had fect is unadulterated nonsense. Alco- bring me to where I am. But to prenone. holics drink alcohol because they tend that any group of fallible human Next week I’ll be celebrating my want to be drunk more than they beings is somehow a super race is simsixth AA birthday, yet with all my so- want to be sober, and if anyone (new ply not so. A chain is only as strong as or old) latches onto the same excuse briety, I was not able to understand a as M. R. did to get drunk again, I its weakest link. certain discomfort I experienced. hope we see them back in the rooms The concept of a spiritual way of I could not even put into words – and that they can understand the life is hard enough to grasp, much what it was until I read “The People less to live up to. Sometimes, the loftresponsibility for drinking is the Principle” in the June 1987 issue. iest ideals are presented at AA meetdrinker’s. K. L. There was my answer. It is me. ings while simple human courtesies It took a fellow member to put it are ignored. Those of us who witness into writing, the Grapevine to print it, abuses of the program, and who say and me to read it. From Cincinnati, Ohio: nothing perpetuate the error. I am grateful that one day Bill and “The People Principle” by M. R. ANONYMOUS Dr. Bob got together and, some fifty in the June Grapevine reminded me years later, I benefit. F. B. of the “other” side of AA, which some of us don’t like to think about. From Warwick, R.I.: When I first went to AA, I was I congratulate the editors of the sick, self-hating, and deeply negative. Grapevine for having the courage of I did not have the faintest idea of how AA convictions and the confidence in to choose what was in my own best our readership to print M. R.’s “The interest. Nor could 1 tell the differ- People Principle.” ence between those who just talked When I got sober in 1975 my spon- the program and those who had sor (then sober twenty-six years) meaningful sobriety. Inevitably, I sepointed out that we need not waltz lected as sponsors and personal conwith everyone in AA. People aren’t tacts people as immature as myself perfect, alcoholics are people, there- who would be nowhere around when I fore alcoholics aren’t perfect. We needed them. It was only when I mydon’t claim spiritual perfection, we self started to change, from within, merely strive for spiritual progress, that the people around me changed, which is accomplished at varying too. We attract what we are. rates over varying durations of time.

December 1 9 8 7

Alcohol-wasm been away from meetings for years From Brooksville, Maine: and are still not drinking, but I wonder As my twenty-first anniversary of if they can avoid future relapses. sobriety approaches, I am concerned We tend to forget how cunning, about the number of AA members baffling, and powerful our alcoholwho seem to drop out. Our area has ism is. Denial can slip in to our effort very few active AAs with eight to to follow the program and convince nineteen years – there seem to be us that we have alcohol-wasm. Then more in the nineteen to thirty-five our disease is free to make us drink, year group who are active. My own go crazy, or die. journey in AA included a ten-year I learn new things about the properiod from five or six years to fifteen gram through regular meeting attenor sixteen years when I thought I was dance. Recently, a newcomer reminddoing real well on one meeting a ed me that the First Step says ” We week. I have since become more admitted. . . ” Sometimes, the alcoactive, attending three to five meet- holic who still suffers isn’t the drunk ings a week. on the corner, but rather the long- Recently, a man in our area, who time AA member who gradually takes had drifted away from meetings, shot a less active part in his group until he and killed himself. The two men who slips away. I hope all AA groups will brought AA to the State of Maine work at keeping long-timers interestboth died drunk. Others I know have ed and included, so they may continue to find, as 1 have, support for living a sober and serene life. G . R.

February 1 9 8 8

by. At 550 miles an hour, I knew we all the others, would begin with the could cover about ninety miles in ten prefacing statement, “My name is minutes. We’d be in Chicago by two. Sam and I’m an alcoholic.” 1 would 1 was reluctant to look past my speak to the chairman’s topic for that partner into the aisle of the plane, be- night – anger, control, self-esteem, cause I saw the tall brunette stew- or whatever else he may have chosen. ardess approaching with the liquor We all took weekly turns at chairing. cart. She was leaning into each row This common bond of people revealand asking, “What will you drink, ing their feelings openly, honestly, sir?” As she mopped her brow with seemed to be working. I knew I could her sleeve, I knew that her task would discuss some of my most insane soon be done. She was up to our row, drinking moments, and no one would four rows from the rear. She leaned sit in judgment. We had a rapport 1 over pleasantly and asked what we couldn’t quite understand; we were wanted to drink. I glanced at the all so different. We had one thing in small clinking bottles and saw my common – hooked on booze. favorite vodka. That strange, mad- Every once in a while, the thought dening thirst welled up within me, but that I could never drink again would all 1 asked for was a tonic with a provoke an angry antagonism. I’d twist. The bittersweet pop would mutter, “What the hell am 1 doing appease my desperation. here?” They even had AA slogans on It was a long, long time since my little wooden slats – “Easy Does It,” last drink – exactly 360 days. I re- “Live and Let Live.” Angrily, I membered the date, and in five days it would imagine that they had missed would be one full year. Using clenched “A Stitch in Time Saves Nine” and fists and saying, “No thanks, I don’t maybe “A Bird in the Hand Is Worth drink,” I managed to keep sober. My Two in the Bush.” However, I was doctor proclaimed my swollen liver a afraid of again waking up at 4 AM symptom of my drinking habits, and with the “cold sweats” – seeing the treatment center I attended as an gleaming faces in the darkened room. outpatient said I was an alcoholic. 1 was afraid of drinking too much Maybe they were right, but I didn’t and not remembering anything of want to give up that wonderful rush, what I had done the night before. I the great fun, the feeling that I could kept attending meetings, and now I conquer the world. was uncomfortably sober for almost 1 was slowly maneuvered into a full year. attending AA meetings. That’s where The plane perceptibly slowed and I learned to talk about my alcohol- . now you could see the slanting snow ism, to say words that I could never tearing at the wings. Suddenly we saw use with my closest friends. As my the end of Lake Michigan. turn around the table came up, I, like The plane was coming down to

i.

1 snowy Chicago, and I resolved to layin’ off for a while.” shot, and everyone knew something With an odd anxiety, I entered the I

) soberly face the professional exhibit. “Too bad, too bad.” It felt like I or someone, or they were almost Essex Piano Bar alone. I could feel my partner and I had come here for. I had just been voted out of the club. rich, or – if they had played their the warmth of the place – dim, yelswore to my wife, to my kids, and to That evening when my partner and cards right – they could have been low lights on the small, round tables; my inner soul – to everything that the two buyers ordered drinks, I rich. This nonsense of “coulda – gaudy, velvet, patterned wallpaper; was holy to me – I would not drink. didn’t even order a tonic with a twist. shoulda – woulda” was driving me massive, maroon drapes – all the Suddenly I had a vision of the Essex I was getting fed up with that bitter- crazy. dim trappings of an old Al Capone Bar at its best. Artie was serving me sweet stuff. Tuesday afternoon, looking at our speakeasy. This was my kind of double martinis, and Bess, the star at schedule for the day, my partner place. Hey! They even put a new coat “This common bond of the far end of the huge piano, was mentioned that we had no sales meet- of lacquer on the piano. playing .and singing any song you ings or dinner dates for that evening. I saw Bess setting up. She put a would ask for. No “rock,” mind you, just good solid jazz. She knew people. . .s e e d to be “Great,” I said. “Let’s go to the Essex Inn for grilled steaks – steaks three-inch pile of music to her left and brought out a huge glass snifter every classic from “Satin Doll” to “Misty” and much more – songs I wwking. I knew I cotrld only, no booze.” Their steaks were really great that she placed in the middle of the piano. She then put her own “fiver” knew and danced to as a college kid. Saddened, I felt this game was all discws some of my most pink in the middle and black on the outside. Jack didn’t like the idea. He in the glass as “shill” money. At that moment Artie and three men I knew over for me. insane dsnkiyy implied that I might pick up a drink and start boozing all over again. saw me. Just then the plane bumped the run- “Sam!” they screamed. “We way and I heard the engines vibrating moments, and no one “No way. I’m off the stuff for thought you were dead. Where have in reverse. We were back in Chicago good. ” you been for the last three days?” again, “That Wonderful Town.” wouM sit inj e m n t ” I couldn’t believe the unsmiling Artie, the great bartender who I unpacked at the hotel – seven – ~~p man even cared, or maybe he thought knew everyone’s name and exactly shirts, with seven matching ties, two When we not back to the hotel. I I wasn’t capable when I drank. I con- what they drank, even though he suits, and the one on my back made felt pleased with myself. I hadn’t vinced him that we should go for the hadn’t seen them for six months, three. That was enough to keep me taken a drink. I wanted someone to steaks. pushed a double vodka martini looking businesslike for one week. congratulate me, but all I had was On the way over in the cab, 1 no- toward me. “On the house,” that’s This was Saturday and we had a myself. I went sourly to sleep. Sun- ticed my edgy impatience about get- how he always started. sales meeting at 4 PM; then we were day, almost the same routine, and I ting there. I wasn’t that hungry. I “Sorry, Artie. Give me a tonic with scheduled to take two buyers to the didn’t drink. Monday at McCormick thought about saying hello to the old a twist. I got ulcers.” Lying about the Drake for supper. “Jack,” my me- Place the big show started in earnest. crowd, but that could wait till after ulcers was becoming easy. thodical partner, had arranged all I would have to face all those snap- supper. “Too bad, too bad.” these things. ping wolves sober. They’d come into The steaks came out fine – big and We sat on the plush bar stools and medium rare – just as we wanted I At the sales meeting they served the display booth and try to con me “schmoozed” as Bess started with delicious hors d’oeuvres and all the for special prices. I figured that I used them. After the pie and coffee, I said, “Blue Indigo. ” The conversation booze you could drink. I ate cold to handle those guys easily when I “Jack, let’s go into the bar and say was the same old stuff. Everybody shrimp and drank tonic with a twist. was drunk; I could do even better hello to some of the guys; you know was bragging about the sales they Some of my Chicago buddies saw sober: Maybe sobriety was working, I them as well as I do.” were making and the money they me pouring soda and asked, “Sam, but why was I so angry, so touchy? The stubborn grouch said, “Nope. coulda made if only. . .if only. . . aren’t you drinking?” By Tuesday I was ready to jump out I No dice. I’m going back to the The place was filling up and I kept “Nah, got myself an ulcer. I’m of my skin. Everybody was a big hotel.” greeting my old drinking buddies as

they came in. I kept using the same without thinking. I stood transfixed, excuse, “Developed ulcers; can’t and I was getting a fierce headache drink.” for some strange reason. 1 really Bess was on her fifth song as I wanted that other drink. One drinkwalked over with two bucks. Sure who would know? Burt handed me enough, she recognized me and knew the cold glass. I sloshed it down so what I wanted to hear – “Bewitched, fast I almost swallowed the ice. The Bothered and Bewildered.” When rush of the vodka, the whack in the she finished the song, I was at the bar stomach suddenly made the place getting more soda. “Damn tonic seem more tolerable. I then bought costs as much as a real drink.” Burt a drink, and we got lost in the “Hey, Artie, what happened to endless game of one for you, one Bess’s voice? She stinks.” for me. Suddenly the fun times re- “C’mon, Sam, she’s better than appeared, and Bess sounded betever. You used to think she was as ter. The make-believe was now makgood as Ella Fitzgerald.” ing sense. “She sounds like Ella with a strep At two in the morning the place throat,” 1 said. was blue with smoke, and Bess was Like always, the same crowd found still croaking away at two bucks a their places around the huge piano, song. As my legs began to malfuncand there was a space for me, as if I tion and I had to use one eye to read fitted into the pattern. the clock, I knew it was time to hit the I put another two bucks into the road. snifter and “Bewitched, Bothered and “One more drink, Artie.” He Bewildered” came out just as badly brought the drink, and he also as before. The only other choice I brought the one “on the house” I could think of was going back to the hadn’t had when I first came in. They hotel and talking to Jack. Like being went down fast. between a rock and a hard place, the I made another contributon to whole thing was no fun at all. B e d s glass and, sure enough, “Be- Just then “Burt” came over to witched, Bothered and Bewildered” greet me. “Artie tells me you’re not came out as good as Ella ever could drinking. My cousin had ulcers and have sung it. As 1 broke into a cold the whiskey didn’t bother him one sweat, Burt shepherded me into a bit. What you have to do is drink a cab. Just one more day 1 coulda had glass of milk before you start, and one full, sober year, if only. . . then the booze goes down real fine. As we rumbled along the empty Let me buy you one drink. One will streets toyard the hotel, deep down I never hurt you.” knew I waklost in the dark woods He brought a glass of milk and a again. double martini. I drank the milk S. K., Sarasota, Flu.

April 1988

hotels. He was a pretty serious guy and he made few, if any, friends. But he had a spark of humor and could when he was laugh at himself. He didn’t have much formal education but he was an

J im is in his middle forties, bearded, fessed to me that when the cat disdirty; he holds conversations with appeared, she “just cried all day!” nobody that anyone else can see. Jim is wet-brained, a rum-dumb; Often I see him while I’m having he is a victim of alcoholic senility brunch at a restaurant in my neigh- and/or alcoholic psychosis. In the borhood. He walks a beat, sort of, less enlightened days before the between a flower stand and a fast courts opened the doors of the mental food joint at the corner of Third Ave- institutions and set free the inmates ing this time I started seeing Jim at AA nue just before it becomes the Bow- therein. Jim would have been conery, back and forth all day long. His fined for life to the back wards, out meetings all over th6 Village. We didn’t ‘ gait is somewhere between a shuffle of sight, out of mind. The damage and a lurch, depending a lot on how Jim’s alcoholism has done to his become friends much vodka he’s taken in. It’s hard brain is irreversible. If you were to maybe because we were too much alike 1 to believe that any liquor store would keep Jim away from booze for six sell him booze directly if they cared months, feed him nourishing food, – but we did nod to 1 each other and someabout keeping their license. Often he shave him, cut his hair, dress him sits on the stoop next to the restau- up in a jacket and tie, reason with times exchanged a few rant drinking his vodka, talking to him, love him, hold him – he would words. I would see him phantoms, moving his hands, shrug- still be a wet brain, unreachable, unging, shaking his head or nodding in teachable, unrecycleable, lost and drunks. He would clean himself up, shaken, dirty, sick – full of remorse; affirmation. Sometimes a wino who gone forever. he got part-time jobs, he had a bicycle defeated. He would raise his hand to fancies himself a hustler will stop and Almost every time I see Jim he will with a basket on the handlebars. Be- say he didn’t know why he couldn’t chat Jim up; Jim will nod and shake come up to me and ask for a ciga- tween binges, he was a great reader, stay sober; something or someone his head and maybe shrug until final- rette. Usually he’ll just put two as I was; he always had a paperback pissed him off and he got so mad he ly the hustler asks for a taste and Jim fingers to his mouth, but sometimes – he favored history, adventure, just picked up a drink. Same old story. will always oblige. Last summer when he thinks I don’t see him he’ll espionage books. He was a loner, as This time he would try to get closer to somebody gave Jim a toy stuffed cat; ask in a hoarse voice, “d’ya have a so many drunks are; he was very self- the program. For a while he did get for days Jim walked his beat with that cigarette?” The voice is the voice of a contained: at AA meetings he care- closer; he would talk to people at cat under his arm; it seemed he had corpse – there is no Jitn there fully defined his space; he sat on the meetings, sometimes go with a group some real connection with sornerhitig anymore. . . aisle, the chair next to him held his . to a coffee shop afterward; get a few outside himself. Then one day the cat I’ve known Jim for about fifteen cup of coffee, his ashtray, his book phone numbers. But in a couple of was gone; stolen, lost – who knows? years. Less than three years ago he (always backside up); he, like me, weeks or a month, he was very much A woman I know, who has also been was a binge drinker, a Bowery drunk, had spent too much of his life in dor- alone again and then, suddenly, he watching Jim for several years, con- like so many others – like me. Until mitories, flophouses, and cheap was gone. We’d see him rampaging

back from a drunk, but his brain did not. At first we thought he would clear up in a few weeks. But time passed and there was no change. Even when we knew he’d not been drinking for several weeks, there was no reaching him; he talked constantly to himself; he walked like a drunk even when he was dry; his only contact with others was to ask for cigarettes. Most alcoholics have a certain amount o f brain damage, but if they get sober and are able to stay sober, new pathways are found, new connections are made and they can funcdown the street, dirty, unshaven, torn- tion at normal levels. Maybe the up, his anger unleashed. In a week or memory is not what it once was, but two he’d be back at meetings, beaten, nearly all of us experience the odd willing to try again. memory lapse by the time we reach In 1979, by some sweet grace, I was middle age. Many alcoholics suffer able to throw in the sponge and since from serious neurological damage, that time I have not had a serious de- but much of it is reversible if they are sire to pick up a drink or drug. Many able to stop drinking. I knew a womin AA have experienced this release an who got sober after thirty years of and generally attribute it to prayer; drinking, but her hands continued to my prayer was unspoken but none- shake like she had just come off a theless heartfelt and real. As I drunk for a whole year after her last watched Jim continue down the path drink. AA abounds with stories of I had miraculously left, 1 was able to people who could hardly walk, were watch my own other history unfold. nearly blind, couldn’t talk or read By 1982 or ’83, Jim’s periods of so- and had the concentration span of a briety were shortening: after a binge retarded gnat being restored to full he’d go into a detox and start drink- functionability, once they stopped ing soon after his release. We would drinking. ‘see him battered and shaking at meet- Three years ago Jim closed a door ings for a few days, then he was out that had no knob on its backside; he there again. He’d be gone for maybe entered the murky world of the wet a month, and each time he came back brain, an echo of that “country from there was less of him. Finally, about which no traveler returns.” three years ago, Jim’s body came R. K., New York, N. Y.

August 1988

Responses to C. C. From Rock Island, Quebec: From Collingdale, Pa.: From Waterbury, Conn.: I felt compelled to write after read- Unlike C. C. of Kent, Ohio (May In reading the May issue I felt the ing the letter from C. C. of Kent, ’88), 1 have never experienced any- need to respond to the letter from Ohio in the May 1988 Grapevine. thing negative about the AA pro- Carol in Kent, Ohio. First off it never She is not planning to return to AA gram; only AA people. surprises me to hear that someone meetings for one year after a slip There was a time when I assumed from the program has gone back out. because of her certainty, based on what people would say to me or how After all, we are alcoholics. meetings she has observed for almost they would treat me when 1 made I do not feel it is a mistake to have three years, that she will be “verbally every mistake in the book, except gone back out. It takes what it takes harangued” by other members. drink. I almost stopped going to to get this program, and it may have I was first overcome by a deep meetings because of my own nega- taken that additional twenty-foursense of gratitude for the nature of tive attitudes, especially self-pity. hour slip to convince you of your the AA group to which I belong and I just wasn’t working the perfect AA powerlessness over alcohol. The misfor the other meetings I attend as a program. take now, however, would be to let supporting member. I have many I attend about twenty-five differ- your ego get in the way of your retimes had the opportunity to witness ent groups on a regular basis and I covery. members returning after slips of all have seen hundreds of people return So to anyone who has had a slip: get sorts and durations. They have all to Alcoholics Anonymous after a right back to meetings and listen for been welcomed back, no questions relapse. In each case they were wel- what you missed the first time, and asked, in a spirit of love, concern, comed back with open arms and “Keep coming back, it works.” G.G. and gratitude. Often the returning without being “verbally harangued.” members are praised by the group, as Oft times they were given special we see that returning and admitting attention because people were so From Scio, Oregon: the slip is difficult to do and takes happy to see an old friend. I’ve just returned from our Tuestrue courage. As an alcoholic, I realize that a day night Step study, and it is my fifth 1 do have a suggestion for C. C. It drink is within the realm of possibil- AA birthday. Five years ago there ity for me. Only my own ego would were AAs who said to me, “Welcome . is my opinion that the best solution to her immediate problem is to find prevent me from a timely return to back, Charlene, there are no mistakes some other AA meetings to attend. the AA Fellowship. It’s not what and each day is a new beginning!” This might involve a little travel but other people may think of me. It’s I’m so grateful that someonepointcould well prove worth the effort. what I think of me that counts. I’m ed me to page 164 in the Big Book And remember, C. C., if all else never sure if people will accept me and told me about and showed me the fails, you can find some other alco- at any meeting. But I don’t care. I go “fellowship I craved!” holics and start your own AA group. to meetings to stay away from that Much of what C. C. of Kent, Ohio The world can always use another first drink and to strengthen my own has had going on in her life has gone AA meeting. ANONYMOUS sobriety. on in mine and I haven’t had to do Nobody will ever stop me from it alone – physically, emotionally, going to meetings except myself. P. s. or spiritually – and neither do you. So “Welcome back, Carol, you are needed and wanted here!” C. P.

Jan uary 1 9 8 9

hat First was temfied when I walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I had been drinking for thirty years and the basis of my terror was the prospect of living – even one day – without alcohol. I admitted that I could no longer live a life with alcohol, but I could not yet imagine a lile without alcohol. My feet and the grace of God (both were essential in my case) kept me coming back into the rooms of AA and eight years ago I began a very happy life of sobriety. But during that first year, in spite of my joy at not having to drink each day, there was a dark undercurrent that was subtle and troubling. I didn’t talk about it; I’m not even sure that I The profundity and c o i f o n of understood it. I noticed that people that simple message made me almost talked about slips, an AA euphemism giddy. Indeed, there is real protection for picking up a drink. Those stories from a slip and absolutely no necessifrightened me and I wondered if I ty or inevitability to it at all, as long as would have a slip, if I would be I keep the basic “Don’t drink and go “struck drunk.” Though I did not to meetings” in place in my life. consciously want to drink again, in That revelation about slips and some sense I was waiting, waiting for about my slip gave me a new freedom my slip to happen, as if it were in- from fear of drinking that persists to evitable. this day. It’s possible to drink again, Then, one day as I sat in an AA but I don’t have t a r i n k again. I’m meeting (note that I was in a meeting; grateful for all the gifts including there are no coincidences!) the anti- sobriety that I have received from Aldote to my fears flashed through my coholics Anonymous and most espemind: “I can’t get drunk – and I cially for the security and joyathat I can’t have a slip – if I don’t pick up don’t have to drink.. .today. the first drink today!” P. L., New York, N X

February 1 9 8 9

vor and aroma of our delicious bever- mured in my ear: “This could lead to age. . .and we forget who threw up in self-pity if we let it.” whose lap.” It was Al, a fellow AA member I At another open meeting a few had come to know and like in service weeks later Willis delivered the finish- work. Apparently it was his night to ing touch to any lingering regret I read minds, for he added, “I used to might ever feel about parting from think it was unfair that other people alcohol. could drink and I couldn’t.” “How could I possibly give up “And now you don’t think it is?” drinking?” Willis demanded of his “Not since the night I got to figuraudience. “I couldn’t give it up and I ing out how much alcohol I condidn’t.” The audience began exhibit- sumed before AA. I drank more than ing symptoms of shock. “Give up any of those socially drinking chaps drinking? Give up guilt and shame would in their lifetimes, probably and fear and bitter remorse and self- more than the bunch of them put tohatred? Give up constant sickness gether. No, you certainly can’t say and living under the threat of death that not drinking is depriving me of or imprisonment? You don’t ‘give anything I’m entitled to. I’ve had my up’ garbage. You throw it away!” share.” However firm my conviction that “I never looked at it that way beremoving alcohol from my life de- fore,” I laughed. “NOW that you ‘prived me of nothing worth keeping, mention it, I’ve had my share, too. the fact still remained that sometimes And several other people’s.” or my first few months of one- had laughed at it, and that made me I felt a bit pensive when others were That night the resentment I still day-at-a-time sobriety in AA, I stronger than it was. drinking and I was not. Surely not be- had about not being able to drink suffered from a truly horrendous de- Again and again in my sober years cause I thought it was unfair? I with the crowd linked arms with Al’s sire for alcohol. I didn’t drink, but I in AA, I’ve run across the power of learned that life is unfair about the old resentment, and they staggered had a fierce craving that never slept humor, or a deft, unexpected turn of same time I learned the multiplication away together, into the past, where until I slept. One night at a meeting, phrase, to cast a bright new light that table, and a lot better. So I didn’t ex- they belonged. If it ever shows signs sharing this desperate situation with suddenly makes a problem look dif- pect life to be fair, or for me to be of reappearing, the thought, “I’ve my chums, I tried to find a form of ferent. able to drink along with those nonal- had my share!” sends it scurrying off expression that matched the enormity Many of us sigh regretfully at the coholic jerks – oops! I mean those again. – the real outlandishness – of my sad prospect of giving up alcohol. charming ladies and gentlemen who I can recall visiting an open meeting 1 abominable craving. And I found it. Norman and Willis, speaking at meet- can drink without getting drunk, a where a new member was giving her “I want to drink so bad my hair ings separated by several weeks, han- feat totally beyond me. first AA talk. We heard a great deal hurts!” dily knocked that nonsense out of me. One evening when I was somewhat more than we either needed or wanted Everyone in the room laughed, and “Ah, the joys of alcohol, how well sourly sipping my undiluted club to hear about the upheavals in her so did 1. From that moment the crav- we remember!” Norman told an soda and wondering if bourbon was personal life just prior to AA. We ing, although it did not disappear -open meeting audience. “We remem- still as delicious as I remembered would have preferred not hearing completely for several months, was ber the soft lights, the music of ice from my last taste of it, eight years that there was a question about the more bearable and less frightening. I cubes against glass, the enticing fla- before, an unexpected voice mur- paternity of her young child – and

felt reasonably sure the woman’s hus- again, and I hand them the comment band and young child also would I heard from a witty elderly woman at have preferred our not hearing it. a tea many years ago. The conversa- Clearly it is the duty of AA women tion had turned to a new book by a with several years of sobriety to in- female celebrity who gave a bed-byform these confused young women bed account of her exploits, with full that “program of honesty” does not names of all the players. Asked why mean revealing the most intimate de- she didn’t like the book, Mrs. X retails of your life to a roomful of plied crisply, “If a woman isn’t going strangers. Some things should be dis- to be a lady, she ought to be a gencussed only with a sponsor or when tleman!” taking the Fifth Step. Now I try to My little lectures on early-day discarry this message, too: “You have no cretion always end with Mrs. X’s obligation to tell the group anything pungent remark. Without fail my about yourself that you might regret new friends give me hope that they telling later, and a responsibility not to may be ready to stop drinking and tell anything that could hurt or embar- start living. rass someone else. Remember. . . .” They laugh. And here laughter comes to my aid Elizabeth E., Tulsa, Okla.

April

about an old joke about wanting to have a heart attack and not to worry. be a pretty corpse, thought about my He had done something to get the grandmother’s admonition to wear weight off my chest, and to be equal clean underwear in case you were to to the occasion and to demonstrate a . become an accident victim, thought nonchalance that did not exist, I said, about what to do, and finally thought, “You know, 1 probably should have My God, this is a heart attack. stopped for a drink on the way here.” I filled the dog’s water bowl, found My sponsor, who was there beside the my glasses and billfold, and went out table, squeezed my arm and the of the apartment, across the shining young doctor said, “It’s a funny thing parking lot in a cold spring rain to the but that would have probably eased car. The gas gauge was, as usual, on your pain for a few minutes. It would empty and I drove several blocks off have opened the blood vessels.” He the true course to the hospital to an went on being busy and worried and all-night filling station. 1 told the efficient and I lost interest in everyattendant to fill it up and went into thing but the needles and the oxygen the station, hurting then and feeling mask and an upside down glimpse of the pressure. 1 found the pay phone tn y sponsor. and called my sponsor. Panic was be- Then, a year later, the lady who ginning to take over and I’m sure she had rescued me from my disease and heard it in my voice. Within minutes, later from the failure of my heart, incredibly, she was there, and I was who had first seen me across the rows explaining to the station attendant, a o f chairs in a crowded AA meeting bright-eyed kid with red hair, that I room and had imposed her wonderwas ill, and that the lady was going to ful rigorous discipline on the first take me to an emergency room. I wild months of my recovery – this asked him to move my car out of the lady awoke one night alone in her service lane. And then we were on our apartment with a sharp and continuway to the hospital. ing chest pain. Her grown ion lived in There were brief waves of nausea an apartment on the far side of that and flashes of pain and the pressure complex and she thought of calling rode with them. We didn’t talk and him, of calling me, of calling the docshe drovc fast. When we left the car tor, but decided against alarming under the canopy at the entrance to anyone. She thought about driving to the emergency room, she supported the emergency room alone, but was and guided me into the reception desk afraid to try. She remembered then and did most of the talking; I was on what the doctor had told me that a padded table, covered with a night at the hospital. In her coat blanket. A cheerful intern was doing closet there was a Christmas-wrapped I was terrified. I got up and dressed, things to my chest, assuring me that 1 bottle of brandy she had intended to thought about shaving, thought was in the best place in the world to give to a nonalcoholic friend but had

forgotten. She got it down from the shelf, and scuffle began, my sponsor stood up hurting and trembling, took it into and walked to the chairman’s desk the kitchen. She poured two fingers and picked up the white chip – the into a glass and drank it without a token of returning. I stood up and chaser. Then, typically, she began to shouted, “No! No!” There was murrecord her feelings and her actions on muring and sighing in the room. a notepad beside the telephone. I saw Forty people felt surprised and awkher note later and nearly cried: ward at the same time. “Chest pain 1:43 AM, remembered Later, when I drove her to her what doctor told L.. . .1:52, drank apartment, we went most of the way approx. 3 oz. brandy, Spanish, Fun- there in complete silence. But finally, dador, Christmas present, burned, with the rain drumming on the top of felt better. . .” The pain had sub- the car and blurring across the windsided and then gone away and she shield, she told me what had haphad gone back to bed. pened and how it happened. And she It was not a heart attack. At that aided countless women, and one gently and quietly told me why she brisk one hour open discussion. Be- had to make the thing public and why time the lady had nine years of sobri- man. She had the love and respect of ety. In her thirtieth year she had prac- our group. Humbly and quietly, she fore closing the meeting, he asked if she felt her sobriety had been broken. there were any newcomers who As I was driving home, I began to tically exhausted the liquor supply on was an efficient and dependable wanted a token of their first meeting, know that she was right and to meaa Cunard liner bound for England teacher and companion. She truly and had to cable her father for funds hated the disease and loved Alcohol- or if there was anyone who had sure myself against her rigorous honics Anonymous. slipped and was returning – as he put esty. I could not have done what she to return home. Her nine years in the program had been devoted to the The next evening at our regular it, “anyone who has been out experi- did then, and perhaps after fourteen meeting the chairman conducted a menting.” There were no newcomers years I could not do it today. spirit of the Twelfth Step and she had there, and as the pre-Lord’s Prayer L. S., A flanta, Ga.

Having experienced the first year to call God, is what holds the three of sobriety, for a third time, has cornerstones firmly in place. Without made me wiser and more patient. I’m him, 1 would have no program. not better nor worse for having to Today, I don’t have many uncovlearn the hard way. Some of us are ered spots left on my bingo card of sicker than others. I’m sicker and the life. Insanity, prison, or death still emotional ride is rockier the third remain open and I don’t want to hear time around. However, there’s still, the word “bingo!” and always, hope. Today, more than For many years 1 felt like a loner. I ever, I realize the importance both of believed I was a bad person and that . having a viable program and of work- was why I suffered. As I began to ing that program. This is essential for listen, I started to understand I was my survival. sick, not evil. There are three important corner- Ninety meetings in ninety days is stones of my program. The first is helpful advice for someone entering s my one-year anniversary draws in my life. Lh near, for a third time, I feel not only grateful but also compelled to I had a lot of “not yets” at twentyone. 1 hadn’t suffered enough – yet. meetings. I need a lot of meetings. the program of recovery. We may not These need not be official, sanctioned be drinking but inside we are falling meetings, only meetings where two or apart. We are dry but we are still share a few thoughts. I walked into 1 hadn’t been handcuffed and carried more are gathered together for the alcoholic, still sick. Acceptance and my first AA meeting nearly eighteen off under the eyes of my nine-year- common purpose of staying sober. I recovery both take time. For most of years ago, looking for a safe haven old daughter – yet. I hadn’t spent like all kinds of meetings but prefer us, it took many years of practice to from the storms of life. I was barely two weeks in a psychiatric ward for speaker and open discussion. get here. Often we expect miracles twenty-one and the last thing on my attempted suicide – yet. I hadn’t Sponsorship is the second corner- overnight, but recovery is a gradual, mind was never drinking again. Little been through three detox programs stone. This has been a very critical day-by-day process. did I know, fortune tellers were there – yet. I hadn’t had three DWIs – step in my day-to-day walk. 1 need a The first few times around, 1 used and the stories I heard inside those yet. I hadn’t had auditory hallucina- sponsor who knows and understands the program like I did alcohol, exwalls would be my future. tions – yet. I hadn’t destroyed rela- me. Similar interests, careers, and pecting the same results, When 1 I was close to being chaptered out tionships – yet. I hadn’t destroyed my goals help cement the marriage be- didn’t get my way, the program of the Army with a bad conduct dis- body physically – yet. Yet, yet, yet! tween a sponsor and pigeon. Some- didn’t work. I expected everything to charge. I had two article fifteens, one Worse than all these things were times I need some space, at other be rosy. It wasn’t and I blamed the court-martial, seventeen days AWOL, the feelings of self-worthlessness, the times a jump start. My sponsor program. This time around, 1 underthirty days’ stockade time, and barely unceasing fears, self-hate, and a mul- knows when I need what. stand it’s how I use the program that six months in the Army. Never mind titude of other self-defeating feelings. The third and final cornerstone is matters. I must learn to meet life on the countless jobs I’d lost on the out- I wasn’t okay and I knew i!. working the Steps. The Twelve Steps life’s terms, not my own. side and my two alcohol-related civil- Alcohol became my life. 1 lived to of AA, a God-inspired program of There is no easier, softer way. ian convictions. Drinking wasn’t my drink and drank to live. 1 began to recovery, are what keep me sober These are the things 1 need to do to problem; it was people, places and peel in layers; “not yets” came to today. The Steps have become a phi- live life the way God intended. A new things. I wasn’t sick – everyone else pass. My addiction progressed. 1 was losophy and a way of life, command- .and exciting way of life awaits all who was. I wasn’t ready for the First Step. helpless, hopeless, down and out. ments used each and every day for the choose to work a total plan of recov- I couldn’t admit my powerlessness How could alcohol have taken such changes I need for a better way of life. ery, one day at a time. over alcohol or the unmanageability complete control of my life? My Higher Power, whom I choose Joseph O., Meade, Md.

September 1989

pulsively and said he never heard come to pass than what 1 had menanything at the AA meetings any- tioned that evening. College, better more or read any literature because jobs, a small business, and travel are he was on the phone day and night, some of the “fringe benefits” of staychecking on his bets. He eventually ing sober. All three of us are being reached his bottom with gambling better fathers for our children (we I and now there were three of us stick- all thought we had lost them because ing together seven days a week, en- of our drinking), and so much more. he thought of not taking that first gulfed in AA. We don’t see each other as much as drink in the morning was a most One evening about eight months we’d like to, but for very good reafrightening’ idea. But finally I had later, the three of us were going to sons now. “These are the good old reached the point where I couldn’t Pat’s house after a meeting and I days” still. drink another day. Alcohol was said, “These are the good old days.” I truly felt giving up alcohol would bringing me more pain than it was They looked at me curiously. I ex- make my life worse. I couldn’t see taking away. I fell back in bed that plained that eventually our lives that I was really getting rid of a deadmemorable morning, willing to go would fill up and we wouldn’t be with end lifestyle filled with misery. Getthrough the withdrawal from alcohol each other as much. For example, I ting sober wasn’t easy but has been rather than walk to the liquor store might get a full-time job (I had begun simple; and the journey, accompaand ask for another bottle on credit. I working part-time), we might have nied by Pat and Jack (two guys I truly didn’t believe not drinking seemed an eternity without a drink. girlfriends, we might start school – love), has been very enriching and would improve my life, it just seemed Pat was still employed but I had been the possibilities were endless as long enjoyable. I thank them and the easier to stay in bed. unemployable for several years, so I as we stayed sober. whole Fellowship. I had been attending AA meetings began attending an alcoholism treat- Today, four years later, more has Bill C., Brooklyn, N. Y: drunk for three and one-half years ment clinic to fill up my time during and now tried to imagine going to the day. When Pat finished work, I meetings without a drink. I was so would go directly to his house. While full of fear, I couldn’t see how I was there we would talk about the Big going to accomplish this. Book, the “Twelve and Twelve,” . During this time, I had met another and various AA pamphlets. This floundering member named “Pat.” filled our evenings until it was time He and I drank together and we both for a meeting, which we made every experienced some YETs during those day and twice a day on weekends. three and one-half years. Fortunate- The desire to drink still hadn’t left ly, we both reached our bottom at the either of us, but fortunately we didn’t same time. The question arose, “Can both experience the compulsion to the blind lead the blind?” But the drink at the same time and were able answer was a resounding “Yes!” Let to help each other through the weak me tell you briefly how this was ac- moments. complished. There was a third member of our Filling up a twenty-four-hour pe- group, “Jack,” who had been sober riod was no problem while drunk but for two years but was gambling com-

J a n u a r y 1990

my real feelings during the meeting. I shared this one-to-one with a sober friend, but it kept me up nearly all night anyway. But we have a Tenth Step in AA, and I finally thought: “What could I have done better?” I know now I could have remembered what the Big Book says about the destructiveness of self-pity and what As Bill Sees It says about not commiserating with those people who refuse the pain of spiritual growth. I could have shared he other night at our regular the “slipper” heard that quality so- my experiences in these areas. Wednesday meeting, a woman briety meant solid spiritual mainte- In the morning, my nose was in the said that she had had a “slip” after nance based on working the Steps. Big Book. I was stimulated to study, three and a half years of “quality” From the many newcomers she got to know more, to learn to handle this sobriety. In that meeting there were a sympathy, support for her self-pity, kind of experience better. A wise oldfew people – too few – with long- talk of how easy it was to relapse, and angry that most of my sharing was timer once said to me, “You drink term sobriety, and many from treat- an unhealthy kind of fear that the gratitude to the slipper for drinking your way in, you learn your way ment centers and halfway houses who program of AA maybe didn’t work so that I didn’t have to. My feelings out.” So from a meeting I took as a were but a few short months away like they had been told it did. No mat- of compassion had drowned in the bitter pill, I was given a push toward from a drink. ter what the old-timers shared, the sea of self-pity I was hearing. I came more healing, more tolerance, better, The discussion went around the theme always returned to how hard it out of that meeting mad at myself for more honest sharing, and a truly room and each one of us shared in was to live sober. not having shared more lovingly and “quality” sobriety. turn. From those few older members, By the time my turn came, I was so critical of myself for not addressing Anonymou3, Georgia

F e b r u a r y 1990

needed a maintenance program. If months. But I was dry, not sober. I ever miss meetings for-two or three simply wasn’t happy in AA and still days, I’m in trouble. Since returning was plagued with loneliness. I hadn’t to AA, I average one a day. changed. They say the same man will 4. Stayed in the “now. ” Yesterday drink again, and he did. I had to go is gone, and tomorrow never comes. through the hell that only the alco- At midnight tonight, it will be today holic knows. again. This lifeconsists of what we d o My first bottom had come in an effi- and think from moment to moment, ciency apartment where I had moved every waking hour. Let’s make the from my family. My wife divorced most of it! me when she finally realized I didn’t 5. Got involved. 1 had heard this love her. She met another man and many times, but – other than makremarried. I moved home and, while ing coffee – wasn’t sure just how to still not drinking, secretly feared my do it. Attending business meetings A fter more than thirty years of drinking, I reached my bottom and entered a rehab through my emupcoming retirement and all the free time I would have to deal with. My youngest daughter, who was in and uttered, “God help me!” Unlike many, I made it back into gave me some answers. There’s plenty AA, and I’ve been truly sober now to do, and too few who volunteer. ployer. I have heard many stories high school, was still at home. I took for a year and four months. More Now I d o much more than simply more tragic than mine, but not want- her and one of her sisters on a trip to importantly, I’ve found serenity, and share at meetings. I open meetings, ing to live another day was bad fulfillment is coming. chair meetings, answer the phone at Florida, and that is where it started enough for me. There simply wasn’t again. And, yes, I had gotten away What am 1 doing now that I didn’t intergroup, make coffee, and help anything in this life for me. I felt I from meetings. My daughters were d o before? What has brought about clean up. Last night, I spoke at a prishad missed out on everything. I had horrified when I ordered a frozen this necessary change in me and my on. There is more 1 have to do. This married the wrong woman, settled strawberry daquiri. attitude and relationships? Here are involvement has been all-important down in the wrong job, and now was seven points which worked for me. to me. I can’t always be a taker, I’ve With me, it didn’t happen quickly. also got to be a giver. devastated and totally alone. I actually thought I was a controlled 1. Found a home group. I made a My older brother, who was influen- tour of all groups within ten miles of 6. Kept it simple. I’ve tried not to drinker. It took over a year and my tial in getting me to the rehab, saw me retirement to bring me to my knees my home. I found one that had three analyze so much. It really is simple. at my worst. He was on an infrequent again. I was alone in the house, a meetings a week, a good mix of sexes One old-timer who passed away last visit from out of state and couldn’t closet drinker, because I had had and ages, and most important, people year used to repeat four points for believe the reports he had heard with whom I was comfortable. newcomers: Don’t drink, trust God, three DWIs and feared the roads. about my drinking. I had previously 2. Got a sponsor. My sponsor clean house, and help others. Dr. Bob If I wanted to drink, whom was I succeeded in hiding the problem from hurting? Well, I almost killed myself! turned out to be a man I knew casual- boiled it all down to two words: love , him, but not this time. Looking back, 1 slipped and fell while drunk and ly from my first go-around with AA. and service. I believe letting myself go in his pres- He always said a mouthful when he 7 . Got a new relationship with God. taking a shower, broke off the ceence was my way of calling for help. ramic handle on the recessed soap spoke, and now has thirty years sobri- My chief concern today is not with Why is it so hard for us to ask for ety. He was a friend of Bill W. what 1 want from God, but rather, dish as I went down, and split my help? The answer is pride, nothing head on the faucet. There I lay on my 3. Got to meetings. I need a lot of what does God want from me? ylse. My brother pleaded with me to meetings, certainly more than the Maybe these seven points would back in the tub with the water coming eive the rehab and AA my best shot. down – and the blood. That was my three a week the rehab had recom- work for you, too. It worked for two years and three mended. Once 1 put down the drink, 1 R. R., Voorhees,N.J. 1 second bottom. I stared at the ceiline

July 1990

offers son a bottle of beer to cele- In fact, I’d put it on at night after brate the homecoming of daughter! having a few beers at the local pub. I And the “normal” son doesn’t walk read more AA literature and evenout of the house in a huff – embar- tually decided to give not drinking a rassment and shame, really – when try. For five weeks 1 was sober.

WHAT HAPPENED I mother insists that “You know Peter shouldn’t drink.” Then one Sunday I went to a youth dance at our local church hall and got My sister got to work immediately, so blitzed that 1 had to be brought but soon became frustrated. There home. I was confused and full of was no AA, no treatment facility. utter remorse the next morning – in The nearest she came was an organi- the church hall of all places! I’d alzation which insisted that members ways endeavored to preserve a veneer sign a pledge swearing off booze. of self-respect in public gatherings. “What happens if the person starts The only thing I could d o in my bedrinking again?” my sister asked. wildered state of mind was to head B D y the grace of the Higher Power I am sober today. I joined the wonderful Fellowship of AA in July my parents, my disease progressed. But AA was the last thing on my mind. My parents were frantic, con- The organization’s representative for the nearest drinking spot. The replied, “Then we arrange for the next morning I sat at the breakfast person to be committed to the mental table with my mother, head splitting, last year. I’d come across AA before fused, and scared, and so was I. I’d institution.” My sister thanked him and struggling with a cup of coffee. when I lived in England. I once lived tried prayer, meditation, yoga, deep and walked away. My mother asked me calmly, out of in a community house after leaving breathing, positive thinking, chang- But the Higher Power was in the the blue, “Peter, d o you really want the Army and one of the first things ing drinks, drinking only at week- background. My mother belongs to a to stop drinking?” I was taken the landlord said to me was, “My ends, and the usual et ceteras. prayer group made up of various aback. We’d had arguments, emonationalities. Requests for prayers tional scenes; we’d experienced the for people with drinking problems full range of complex emotions that were arising with increasing frequen- characterize the alcoholic and those cy. Eventually, one of the members, who love him or her. It didn’t take me an American, offered t o talk with long to reply with a simple yes. Then anyone who was experiencing a drink- she asked me if I’d like to talk with 1 ing problem in her family. someone in AA. 1 wanted to know AA literature began to mysterious- who this someone was and how she’d ly appear in the house. I glanced gotten to know this someone. But she through some of it, not because I would not budge. “Just let me know name is Ian and I’m an alcoholic.” Then my sister returned from En- thought of myself as an alcoholic – if you do,” she said, “and I’ll fix an At the time I prided myself on being a gland – where she’d been studying no way! But I’m naturally curious appointment .” liberal-minded person, and so I smiled psychology – to live with the family (probably related to my profession as I was still trying to figure out the gently, thinking, “Poor man, but then for a while. It didn’t take her long to a journalist) and I d o a lot of reading. loopholes as I walked upstairs to go I suppose we all have problems.” figure out the problem. In “normal” I Then my mother gave me a pamphlet and say hello to my sister. She was I Even then I was in the throes of alco- households one isn’t likely t o wit- and a tape by a guy called Dr. Paul 0. busy writing a report and so I asked holism but did not realize it. ness an almost explosive scene be- i Now, this Dr. Paul had a really droll her if I could look through her book- When I came to live in Ghana with tween father and mother when father I sense of humor and I loved his tape. shelf. Like me, she’s a voracious

reader, and 1 was looking for some- end it here by saying “and since then 1 program. I was going to meetings like I’ve been to hell and back. It’s thing light to help ease the dreadful haven’t taken another drink,” but but I just wasn’t doing anything only by the grace of my Higher hangover. What 1 saw was a shelf full that would be telling lies. else apart from stuffing myself with Power that I’m sober and alive today. of literature on alcoholism – mostly After riding high on the glorious food, drinking lots of soft drinks, Today our group has a permanent AA, but some non-AA. “I never clouds of early recovery, I soon crash- and smoking lots of cigarettes. The meeting place and we’re growing -. knew you had all these books,” 1 landed on reality, which can be quite miracle I had expected had not ma- slowly, but growing. I’m beginning to said, astounded. “There’s a lot you a jolt for someone who’s been doing terialized. realize that AA is a way of life and don’t know about me,” she replied everything possible to avoid reality But 1 kept in touch with AA, when- that means for the rest of my life I , drily. And then, as I turned to leave for something like ten years. I began ever I was sober enough to d o so. It need to stay close to the program, \ her room, I spotted the Big Book on to experience feelings of anxiety, isn’t easy to go to a meeting and feel work the Steps, find myself a soon- I her desk. I’d heard about this book panic, depression, depersonalization. like you’re facing the grand inquisi- sor, and avoid taking that first drink. through reading AA literature and Physically, I was in excellent shape. tion: Are you still drinking? The ac- I realize that recovery means pain as listening to tapes. And now here it I’d put on weight and was quite tick- cused feels defiant. But I know the well as joy. 1 realize that the world was! “You’ve got the Big Book!” I led with the compliments on my im- only requirement for membership is a isn’t going to change into a paradise cried. “Can I read it?” I’ll never proved health. But there was a deep desire to stop drinking. And so I kept overnight just because one alcoholic forget her beautiful smile. Lying on vacuum within me. coming back. has decided to stay sober. And 1 realmy bed reading the book, I experi- In March this year I slipped. Don’t I’ve learned several lessons over the ize that AA itself isn’t perfect. But I enced what I reckon every alcoholic ask me how or why it happened – it past year. First of all, this is a pro- know all 1 need to do is keep things experiences when he or she reads the just happened. It could have been due gram of action. It works if you work simple, one day at a time. I feel privi- Big Book: This book is about me! to the medications I was taking at the it. Second, principles are more im- leged to be able to relate to a Higher Now it was me chasing after my time for a bronchial condition (the portant than personalities. Third, Power who doesn’t point an accusmother to fix up an appointment with doctor didn’t tell me until after that don’t underestimate the problem; we ing finger at me. I know my Higher the mysterious someone from AA. they contained alcohol and pheno- deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling, Power doesn’t want me to drink – Two days later I was attending my barbitol). It could have been due to powerful. Fourth, a relapse can be of and I’m trying to d o my best and first AA meeting in the home of a stress at home. I don’t know. What 1 therapeutic value. I wouldn’t advise leave everything in his hands. wonderful couple. It would be nice to d o know is that I wasn’t working the anyone to try it, though. I often feel Peter O., Tema, Ghana

September 1990

But the first meeting convinced me slipped, and for the next four years that 1 was an alcoholic and pretty far . all hell broke loose. I was arrested along. As a matter of fact, I had al- more than ten times for fighting with ready experienced more difficulties police and others, faced a charge of and tragedies than many of the mem- grand larceny, and was shot at by bers, who were almost all over forty. police for assault and robbery. I tried Bill W. was frequently at the meet- to kill a cab driver in the Bronx while ings on Thursday nights as well as mixing antabuse and booze. The some other colorful characters. Doc grand jury and prosecutor recom- Silkworth would come over from mended I do an indeterminate sen- Towns Hospital and some of the tence at Rockland State Hospital for great twelfth-steppers from “Duffy’s the Criminally Insane if I was ever Tavern” at Knickerbocker Hospital. again caught for a drinking offense. It was Doc Silkworth who said to me There were lots of hospital visits. one evening, “1 know you belong Twice I was terminally ill. Numerous here. Don’t pay any attention to times I was in the Bellevue Hospital those who tell you that you’re too psych ward. At that time I was living young. Someday this Fellowship will on the Bowery with bottle gangs. have lots of young people.” These My last drink was in August 1955 were words of great encouragement when I was twenty-three years old. I Second to me. But I wondered how other was living in a fifty-cents-a-night flop young people would handle the diffi- house on Skid Row in Chicago and I Chance culty of trying to “belong.” was planning to commit suicide by Mansfield C., who is still alive and jumping from my room on the sixth on a member since I%, was my first floor. I was already covered with sponsor. His wife, Ceil, wrote her blood from a street fight over a bot- SkPd Row story for the Big Book. They both tle, and my right ear was stone deaf loved me as one of their own and en- from the brawl. My usual’drink at

A t the age of nineteen I attended my first AA meeting. It was held at the Lenox Hill Group in Manhattan couraged me to come to the meetings that time was straight rubbing alcoand not pay attention to the negative hol with cheap soda for a chaser. comments. They also suggested that I Around midnight I went for a walk and it was the largest group in New read over the few pamphlets which and met a priest on the comer of La- York City. My experience with the were available at the time, as well as Salle and Van Buren. I asked him members was quite difficult. All too the Big Book. where I could get my ear fixed. He often, I was advised to leave, being Bill W. was also supportive and he, directed me to a hospital nearby and I. told over and over, “You’re too young too, felt that young people would returned to the flophousea few hours to be an alcoholic,” or “I spilled become prominent in the Fellowship later. It seems crazy, looking back on more than you ever drank.” and that as time went by the average it. I was planning to jump out the age would drop rapidly. Bill gave me window, yet first I wanted to get my a Big Book and a nice note as well. ear fixed! I didn’t jump, though ,and After a few months, however, I the next morning when I awoke, I

experienced a miracle from God :the and the group grew from that. compulsion to drink had left me. The first Young People’s Conven- I joined the West Loop Group tion was in 1957 in Niagara Falls and which was also known as the Skid had less than sixty people in atten- Row Group and was very “low bot- dance. The second convention in tom.” God allowed me a second 1958, in Chicago, had grown to over chance to surrender. 400 people. I spoke at the banquet To earn money I went to work as a during that convention. I was told by day laborer at one dollar an hour. the New York office and the Young Since I needed clothes, I went to People’s Conference that I was the Catholic Charities for a handout and, youngest person in the United States again, met the priest whom I had seen to be in AA. For many years I was the on the street just three nights before. youngest person in many groups, and He’s been a priest for fifty-four years I frequently heard, “I sure wish I had and has spent the last forty-four years got sober at your age.” Today I am on Skid Row in Chicago. fifty-eight and am now one of the We started a young people’s group older ones. But I have no more sobriin Chicago in 1956 and there were ety than a fifteen-year-old who is just three of us at first. The other coming to his, or her, first meeting. two were Roger M., who was twenty- I still get a little teary-eyed when a eight, and Eddie A., who was about newcomer picks up a white chip, or a thirty. The way we finally gained ac- first birthday is reached. It is truly the ceptance was by painting some of the greatest way of life on earth, and I rooms in the new Alano Club on continue to live one day at a time, North Broadway. We were given a thanking God for this gift of sobriety. small room in a three-story building, Bill D., Atlanta, Ca.

December 1990

brought Christmas cookies – a wide change my sobriety date, I wanted to variety of them. I grabbed several do it right. How would this sound in and popped a round, chocolate one my lead: “After three-and-a-half into my mouth. “This is great,” I months of sobriety, I ate a handful of thought as I bit deeply into it. The rum balls – and that was my last taste was sweet, sour, wicked, and drunk.” How embarrassing. fantastic. I shouldn’t have eaten the first one, Rum. Not a murmur of rum, but a , but it was an accident. I’d never seen good deal (proportionately), enough a rum ball before; I didn’t recognize to make the bite burn down my throat. its hidden power. Once I tasted alco- I winced momentarily, recognizing hol, the thoughts that flew through with horror the oh-so-familiar taste. my head: Stay away from that plate; Then I raced back to the cookie plate get them before anyone else does; get and, like a squirrel storing nuts, picked out of the room; have one more. But

II ‘ve been a secretary with the same company for almost a year, which is an amazing feat for me. As a drunk, I’m not sure what I was more afraid of: “accidentally” having a beer with my co-workers or keeping a conversaout all the round, chocolate ones I one more was not enough. could find. I ate every single rum ball. Maybe this is what Alcoholics I thought I felt rum swimming in Anonymous means by “powerless”: I was only able to keep jobs for two tion going. Christmas season brought my brain. I certainly wanted to feel the complete and total inability to or three weeks at a time. I consider party after party, complete with plenty some effect; why else would I eat all control oneself when alcohol is nearmyself fortunate to still have this of bottled holiday cheer. I skipped of them? Maybe what I felt was a psy- by, even minuscule portions of alcoone, since I’ve been sober only about most of the get-togethers, but I didn’t chological high. Whatever kind of hol. To think: I avoided all those of- . 100 days. want to be excluded completely. I high it was, it wasn’t high enough. fice parties where alcohol was served, With this job came my first attempts made my appearance, ducked away For a long while I wondered if I then I tried to get drunk on cookies. to socialize without alcohol. Being from the booze, and swelled with should change my sobriety date. I If that isn’t powerlessness, I don’t painfully shy, I departed from most pride as I scurried out the door. considered “lunching” at the bar know what is. office gatherings within ten minutes. During work one day, someone across the street. If I was going to Kristen M., Swissvale, Pa.

January 1991 -most he could do was driie a van for vulsions and almost died. I thought a retirement home. to myself, maybe now that he’s in ‘ We would see A1 at a meeting now rehab he can be given the knowledge and then. How funny he looked with and timer to accept this program and his baseball hat on (he was real self- begin anew. In seven days I saw him” conscious of his baldness). He would again. He was in the rehab communi- . take it off, though, at the beginning ty and was feeling great. He said how. of the Serenity Prayer, and not put it surprised he was that the counselors back on until the meeting was over. had suggested he attend AA ‘on a We would often ask how he was doing regular basis and get a sponsor as. , and the reply would always be the soon as he left treatment. He said to. same: “I’m fine.”. And if he was me, “I think I know what’s best for asked if he was g6ing to meetings, the .me. I know how to handle this thing reply would be,;.”Well, if the horses – they don’t have to keep badgering at my sister’s faim don’t need me,” me.” Amazing, the incredible power . or “Gee, you should see the new of denial. …TI. , model aircraft I built, I’ll be ‘flying it That was about two years ago. Off this weekend!” As A1 got a couple of and on we would see A1 at a meeting meetings under his belt he got much and then we didn’t see him very. id A1 B. die in vain? I did not the floor in the living room. better and had’ lots of important much. Last Wednesday, someone know A1 ir)timately. Such things Our candidate seemed quite conthings to do. ‘ .as his hopes, h a dreams, his desires tent with his surroundings and never tgld me A1 had been found dead in hi,. . . or. what he might haveh,even been bothered to ap~logizefor the condi- A1 became the topic of discussion apartment. What a shock. When I between Frank and myself on many finally accepted it, I thanked8Gd, afraid of -these he kept to himself. I tion of the place or for himself for occasions. What separated us from for I now know that I am nodifferent ‘. .,did not know his family, his associ- that matter. I really thought, “How I ‘ates, his closest friends. I only .knew dare you! Who are you, acting like him? Why were we so graced and he than’ql, I really beliey – more t+ a-

.- ‘ ~ asl a struggling alcoholic. this when we have taken the time to was not? Why did he keep relapsing? day than ever – that sobriety is truly ?. When A1 and I first met, I was five come and see you!” Had being five Was he not working a good program? a gift from God, my higher power. Frank would tell me, “You cannot There is absolutely nothing se$arat- 1 .months sober. My sponsor suggested ‘we go visit a friend of his who was having a difficult time and might months away from the stuff separated me from active alcoholism that much? It was really incredible. My ever forget. You may have another ing me from my active alcpholism but drunk in you but you may not have the grace of God. 1 need some help or someone to talk sponsor Frank reminded me it was another recovery. Be ever mindful A1 did not die in vain. He was not with. We set out one morning and healthy to stay very much in touch that the gift of AA cannot be taken arrogant. He was not’ grandiose. His with this, the real thing – drunks in for granted.” Frank said, “An alco- life was not meaningless. He was just ‘ .found Al, alone in his motel, a twotrouble. How right he was. holic who dies sober does not die. His another alcoholic, caught by the dis- -$. ‘room efficiency apartment. This was message carries on.” ease of active alcoholism; who was **my first encounter with an active ‘ The months went by and I shard. ;alcoholic since being one myself. this experience ,with some of my About a year or so later I saw A1 not provided this greqt miracle, the W,hat a condition! The smell of stale friends, saying how sad it must be to when I was volunteering at a local gift of sobriety. Let his death not go rehab. He was in detox and hardly unnoticed. An alcoholic who dies b . ‘Empty r and whiskey filled the room. be as lonely as Al must be. A1 was no recognized me. He told me how Paul drunk also carries a message: Alcocontainers littered the small dummy. He had graduated from colkitchen. A couple of dried-up whis- lege and had had a very respectable , and Randy had brought him there holism is deadly. key bottles could be seen scattered on job. Unfortunately at this time, the and how he had suffered from con- Led s.,~ r e e d $ n ,Po.

April 1 9 9 1

space I needed, I found myself singu- day, sometime around March 1969.1 ‘ larly uninspired. But since I could now had promised to speak for a guy nickdrink in the open, filling the hours named “Big Ray” who was well waiting for the muse to come was no known in Western Massachusetts, esproblem. However, owing to the out- pecially for his work at a maximum going and expansive personality I security facility in a nearby state. He developed while drinking, the police was very direct on the phone. “Are usually got there before the muse did. you speaking for me or not?” He had watched me s l i ~ for a year and a half. Some people had &en up on me. To qztit m not to quit, Out of cowardice and being a peopletopkwnotto pleaser, I said yes. I had just the required three months of sobriety. speak. . . . T-‘ll@ve it On the Thursday promised, I got up in a vile frame of mind. I was sick om mme try, but that’s of this AA stuff: in and out, in and out, like a cat at the door. I decided I it. One m e slip and was getting out of Alcoholics Anonymous, once and for all. But as the day I-‘m outfw~ood.-‘ wore on, I realized I didn’t know how to d o it. I thought of the prison, brought people home I ~ r i i k i n I~ , which I had only heard about but would not have spoken to sober. I never seen. Images of James Cagney lived in dread of learning what I had and Humphrey Bogart floated mendone the night before. I listened at the acingly in my imagination. The guy I kitchen door to the neighbors talking was to speak with was a real alcoabout what “he did last night.” I hid holic. He had a great story. They behind drawn shades. Jumped at the would listen to him, but not’to a wimp sound of the doorbell. Parked my car like me. All day back and forth in oward the end of my drinking por, warmly and ‘falsely secure. This blocks down the street. All in the my mind: tp quit or not to quit, to 1 had taken an atartment in was street theater. I was living with name of maintaining my right to “do speak or not to speak. Somehow Springfield over the Blue Eagle Cafe. the real people. Out of it all one day as I pleased.” during the day my depression lifted At night the blue neon light from the would come a great novel, which I Then I went to AA. After eighteen and I said: “I’ll give it one more try, bar flashed on the wall of my bed- would write. months of drinking and going to but that’s it. One more slip and I’m room. I thought it was very romantic, I had left my parents’ house be- meetings, I had the slowly sinking out for good.” like in the movies. On any Saturday cause they were always on my back feeling that I was looking for the right By the time Ray and I and some night after the bars had closed, 1 about my late hours and personal seat on the Titanic. The day of deliv- others got to the prison, the decision I could hear from the street below the habits and drinking companions. I erance came unlooked for. It was the had made that morning seemed along sound of smashing glass, squealing wanted the freedom to write and to day I quit AA. time ago. From the outside the place tires, and Anglo-Saxon English float- come and go as 1 pleased. To my sur- In case you’ve never tried, it’s very was menacing. It’s not as easy to get ing up to where 1 lay in a booze stu- prise, once I had all the time and hard to quit AA. It was on a Thurs- into prison as I had imagined. We had

to pass through a series of electrically thing was different. I was different. controlled holding zones. Once we What I did not know then was that I were inside, though, it just looked had had my last drink, from that molike an enormously oversized high ment to this. school. The corridors were huge and Later, I was reminded of a story long. We passed what seemed like from scripture (I am not a Christian). classrooms along the way. Suddenly It was the story of the fisherman who our door was there and Ray went in had labored all night and caught ahead of us. Before I was even inside nothing. A stranger appeared, and the room the population had burst after talking to several of the men, he into applause. The strangest thing instructed them to let down their nets. was that I knew that the applause was They protested that it was no use and not for us. It was for something we he said “Let down your nets.” It was represented. Something decent and the beginning of a movement that big. It had been there all along; but at would send people out into the world this moment I felt connected to it in a with news of a new way of life. way I had never been before. It wasn’t Ray still goes to meetings now and emotionalism. This was a new feel- .then. He’s one of a handful of real ing. At that moment I had my first old-timers who still does. When I see conscious contact with the power be- him, I think of the story I just told. I hind the process. I was ready to ad- guess he knew a fish when he saw mit defeat. one. Good thing for me he did. With What 1 said that night was unim- gratitude to him, I let down this net of portant. It didn’t matter. It just came a story of surrender – with faith in out of me like a laugh. the process, confidence in the power, From the prison I went to my regu- hope for the future. lar Thursday night meeting and some- Jim N.,West Springfield, M a s .

July 1 9 9 1

three daughters – then sixteen, eigh- jail. I was told my husband had been teen, and twenty-one – were proud shot and I was under arrest for firstof their mother for a change. I was on degree murder. I couldn’t believe cloud nine. this was happening, but I saw blood However, my husband was con- on my jeans and there were bruises stantly telling me I couldn’t be an on my body. alcoholic or 1 couldn’t have stayed I had been out on bond less than a sober so long. He accused me over week when I got a visit from a lady I’d and over of just not wanting to have never met. She asked me if I’d like fun with him anymore. I was deter- her to act as my temporary sponsor. Then another recovering alcoholic asked if I wanted to attend an AA meeting with her. I really thought all I had been out on bond of this was senseless. What good could any of it do now? But I went. hss than a week when The stranger who was my temporary sponsor is no longer a stranger and she is still my sponsor. I began working the Steps and I will never forget

SELF-WILL She m Mme if I’d lib her to act my Step Three and the spiritual experience 1 had as I turned my will and life over to the care of God as I understand him.

RUN RIOTMy husband and I beer into the back of our truck and My trial came up in August 1989, and the jury found me guilty of manslaughter and sentenced me to seven years in the women’s state prison in had been separat- stated, “I quit drinking.” mined to show my husband a good Arkansas. I am still incarcerated. ed a few months It was pure hell for me for some time and get drunk with him – even I have continued to work .my prowhen we decided time. The withdrawals and the crav- though after years of constant drink- gram, to read the Big Book, arid pray. to give it one more ings were agonizing. I knew the Seren- ing, blackouts, waking up in strange and meditate daily. I’m active in the try after many ore- ity Prayer and must have prayed it a places, even losing my children to AA meetings we have here. I no longer vious attempts. ~ 6 t hof us b&ng hundred times a day. Occasionally I foster care at one time, I, knew I was rely on my own self-will. My self-will active alcoholics, our marriage was a would go to an AA meeting, but even- an alcoholic. So on April 30, 1989, ended in a tragedy that affected many rocky road from the beginning. This tually I didn’t go at all because I be- after being dry for eighteen months, I lives. I rely on my Higher Power last time I had moved out of state. I gan doing so well on my own self-will. drove to the liquor store. whom I choose to call God. I still say was thirty-nine years old at the time. Why bother? I thought the meetings I can hardly remember anything we the Serenity Prayer daily but when I As we packed up my things and head- were great for those who needed the did that night. I remember us dancing say it now I d o it with earnestness ed back home, we started to drink help, but I didn’t need it. I was hold- together and I remember us fighting. and understanding. There is a power nonstop. But when we crossed the ing down a good job, longer than My next recollection was of being greater than ourselves. state line, 1 threw my opened can of any job I’d ever had in my life. My questioned by police officers at the Janice E , Pine BlufJ, Ark.

F e b r u a r y 1992

so much fun at AA meetings and couldn’t, and she used that devilish afterward. I have only been back in woman’s intuition to make damned AA for about nineteen months and sure I didn’t. somehow the number nineteen seems I did a lot of praying that night of to be assuming some sort of signifi- my insanity and I admitted that 1 cance for me. should have expected something like I was nineteen years sober from this when I started to dream about the night I resolved to “turn myself drinking two to three years before. in” to AA until one day out of the I guess I really haven’t said that blue I had an urge to find out if sherry whereas I had never consciously told still had that nutty flavor that drove myself I had graduated from AA, it me nutty. had probably been several years since 1 didn’t call anyone, I didn’t try to I went. bucket in hand, to a meeting. talk myself out of the idea. 1 went Why? I have asked myself that a right to the hall closet where my wife lot, and sometimes I even give honest kept the sherry for cooking, got the answers. 1 loved AA, I never got bottle that had been there for years, bored at AA meetings, I liked the and poured out a juice glass one- people – even those who had tested fourth full of sherry and sipped it. my patience to the extreme. The fact I should mention, or maybe I is 1 had gotten extremely involved in should confess, that my wife was out trying to carry the AA message outof town seeing about the health of side of the meeting rooms: helping to our daughter. get a local council on alcoholism I put myself through agony that formed and into action, getting innight, taking tiny sips, sometimes volved in supporting a fledgling narbarely wetting my lips. Eventually I cotics self-help organization, and poured more sherry; this time three- taking on church responsibilities. ne of my first AA buddies used out of commission or quarters of a glass full. I sipped and 1 Then later I realized how much I to say that his AA bucket had a immobilized, he considered that all sipped, too afraid to gulp, too power- liked nly job, how I had’ probably hole in it, and that’s why he tried to he had going for him was a leaky less to stop. The next day I suc- neglected it, and so I spent more and get to many meetings to keep his mind bucket full of AA goodies. His job cumbed t o my old insanity that had more hours at it. focused on his alcoholism. He rea- was t o replenish it on a regular basis. so long been dormant – I went out People used to counsel me and I soned that as long as he was at a meet- Unfortunately, he later abandoned and bought another bottle of sherry them about getting some balance in ing, going to a meeting, or coming that simple formula and went back and poured enough of it back to our lives. It turns out I am no high from a meeting, he was probably into the world without his AA bucket reach the point it had been before. I wire acrobat. pretty safe. of goodies. It would surprise no one dumped the rest. I did not become fully aware that He believed he could carry out into that he drank again. I was too much of a coward to tell AA always came out last in my priori- . the world whatever he got at a rneet- But this is not about taking .my my wife what I had done. I told rny- ties until I was attending meetings ing to keep from drinking and to cope buddy’s inventory, it’s about my own self that it was for her peace of mind only by invitation, to bring someone with everyday events – up to a point. inventory, and how I also forgot the that I would not confess. I had never new or out of a treatment center, and But because he was new to AA and leaky bucket analogy that sure simpli- kept anything from her – for long. I never for myself. i his old way of thinking was merely fied why it was he and I would have i

mains of the new bottle into the garbage can; more crying; more prayers; The visit was years overdue, like a lot it so much. of other things in my life. There’s really nothing else to say, Rathm than more vows. Still I did not return t o meetings, even though I had received It wasn’t fifteen minutes from the except that I am really thankful, too, mmalize, IW a kind of invitation from someone time we broke the ice of separation for my groups both back home and who had been told I was one of the that I felt perfectly at ease telling my here – the Happy Destiny group and jwt say whether old-timers who could really add a lot dear friend what I had done, every the Foothills group. An old-timer in sneaky little detail. When I had got- the Happy Destiny group has five or to a meeting. yott h e it, hate Yeah, I sure could have, but I was ten done, he smiled and said, “Well, six years of sobriety; an old-timer Dan, I guess you know what you have here has twenty, thirty, or forty. The it,8 e t bmed by still too full of false pride to add my special shot of experience, strength, got t o do!” gals in both groups are beautiful, the And 1 did look up a nonsmoking guys handsome, and they all talk and it, heep coming and hope to any group. I was still experiencing the weakness and still meeting. It was all of half a block live great AA. from where I lived and I got back to When I started writing this, I really back. It ~vmIzr. letting myself twist slowly in my misery. Meanwhile, I retired and we trav- AA. And my great, wonderful friend intended to do a little lecturing about eled to Arizona for the winter. I did and I continued to hold our little not making the mistake I did and los- When that thought about lack of attend one AA meeting with a won- meetings in his sick room for six ing your balance and letting your AA balance did occur to me, I would derful guy I took to his first meeting months before my wife and I headed bucket leak dry. But rather than morstifle it o r just ignore it until it would more than a decade ago. What a di- back t o Yuma. I looked up my old alize, I’ll just say whether you love it, go away. The other peculiar thing is lemma. 1 didn’t tell him; I didn’t tell AA buddy here, made a clean breast hate it, get bored by it, keep coming that when I did attend AA meetings, I anyone, except a couple of priests in of my infidelity to AA, and he found back. It works. And one other footloved them, felt at home, the whole confession. a nonsmoking meeting for me here. note: AA is real great about welcomball of wax, and I would vow to get When we went back home in June About a month after we arrived, I got ing back people with empty buckets, back. But 1 never did, until it got to 1987, I was thinking about getting a wire from our parish priest that whether they had nineteen days, the point I was ashamed of my ab- involved again in AA. I had always emphysema had finally taken my spe- months, or years of sobriety before ‘ cial brother in AA. the old insanity took over. At least, sence, afraid I could never make it promised myself I would when I reback to regular attendance. I’m sure obliged to God that he that is my experience, and it has given tired. But I procrastinated, which by me hope and strength. To get back to my insanity: Well, I the way was the first character defect kept my friend around so he could gently twelfth-step me when I needed Dan M.,Yuma, Ark. did not set off a drunken spree with 1was able to recognize in myself. – .back that one-night sipping session. It in my early AA days. Then, one day scared the hell out of me, got me on with my wife not out of town but my knees and praying to God to take hanging up clothes in the backyard I my drinking problem back. It was passed by that closet in the hall, went almost a year to the day that another back, pulled the bottle out and wet similar episode happened. This time my lips. That’s crazy, but it was that much briefer sipping, not more than drink more than any of the larger sips an hour of mini-sipping compared I tortured myself with that stung me with four or five hours that first time. to the depths of my soul. Again, another bottle buying episode I got on the phone to an AA buddy to get the bottle’s level up to the place of mine who was dying of emphysema it had been. Again, tossing the re- and asked him if I could come over.

April 1992

Now young Kevin’s smiling face was beckoning me to reevaluate my situation. Maybe I could take a drink and it wouldn’t hurt me. Maybe the psychologist was right. Maybe 1could control my drinking this time. It would be such a relief if 1 could because a week before the doctor had

l2 D ill W. was so confident, when he wrote of our condition as we reach Step Ten, that “sanity will said the unthinkable word to my wife and me: “It’s malignant; we’re go-‘ ing to go ahead and take a fourth of have returned. We will seldom be the breast. ” , interested in liquor. If tempted, we re- We knew that was a possibility coil from it as from a hot flame. We when they wheeled her in for the 1 react sanely and normally.. . .” After biopsy, but hadn’t really believed it. 1 eighteen years of sobriety, this was Now it was real. “We think we got true for me. it all,” he told us afterward, and I I had run into young Kevin at the could breathe again. Until the next supermarket. (I always called him report. “We found one positive node; “young Kevin” because he had been we’ll have to do chemotherapy.” the youngest person in our meeting. It was as if someone had kicked me He arrived at AA when he was four- had found out he wasn’t an alcoholic like alcoholism. very hard in my stomach. I wanted to teen.) He spoke first, pleased to see after all. Could it be I had been At the end of the testing 1 received throw up; I wanted to scream; I wantme again, eager to tell me about him- wrong about my own alcoholism? a thorough and satisfyingly reassur- ed to get breath back into my body self. He looked well and was doing Eighteen years I had gone without ing evaluation about my skills as a again, and couldn’t. I didn’t want to well. Now in his third year in college, a drink. Eighteen years I had gone t o minister. But alcohol was not men- drink; the thought never entered my he was confident of himself and his AA meetings, studied and worked the tioned. When the psychologist asked mind. I had reacted “sanely.” future. Or so he seemed. Steps, read and written and taught me if I had any questions, I replied, But I wonder if Bill W. overlooked “How’s your sobriety?” I asked, about what I had learned of this dis- “I sure do. Am I an alcoholic?” He something when he included that remembering his tales from the past, ease. What if I was cured after all? smiled and replied, “No, you just word “normal.” not that long ago. What if. . .? scared yourself. ” For me, there was a time that my “I’m fine,” he replied. “I drink Early on I had consulted a psy- My first thought was “Good. I normal reaction was to get drunk. but I can control it now. I guess I must chologist. Sober three months, I can get drunk tonight.” My second Any feeling that was unacceptable havecaught my problem in time. I was wanted another opinion on this dis- thought was “Damn, that’s three had to be medicated instantly. 1 knew awfully young when I went to AA. It ease of mine. He was at a counseling months I could have been drinking.” that as well as I knew my own name. 1 did get me off o f drugs, though. I center for men and women in church And my third thought was “If those And the proper medication was alcoknow I can’t handle them.” vocations, and since I was a minister, I were my first two thoughts, thatguy’s hol. Something frightened me and 1 A brief conversation and I was on that seemed an appropriate place t o 1 nuts. I’m an alcoholic.” He had got drunk. Even a vital spiritual expemy way. But it had planted a danger- start. Surely the three-and-a-half helped me name my disease in a far rience was a cause for celebration, ous thought in my mind. Kevin looked days of psychological testing he gave I more effective way than any psycho- which meant getting drunk. good, Kevin was confident. Kevin me would reveal an obvious problem I logical testing could ever have done. And there was young Kevin, cheer-

ful, confident, cured. Or so he said. my needy time wasn’t just this week. Maybe.. . It was all those years of weeks I had Besides, where was AA now when been attending meetings, working the my world was shattering before my Steps, talking to my sponsor, studyeyes? Who was there to hold my ing and praying and learnipg an enhand? Or more important, where was tirely new way of life. That was when God to avert this catastrophe? I had a I needed it, when I still could pretend right to be frightened, angry, hurt. I that all was well with my life and my had a right to want relief. world and I was in control. That was I didn’t drink. I went to a meeting. the dangerous time, not now. There, surrounded by loving friends, Now I know my powerlessness; I received one more birthday chip there was no other word for my conmarking another year’s sobriety. dition than “unmanageable.” Here I Eighteen. So many years since that felt total surrender. I had to rely on a last drink and the consoling voice of Higher Power. Working the Steps the psychologist who had unwittingly was not something commendable to showed me my real self. And once do, it was the only way out of a darkagain I felt the healing of AA and my ness unlike any other I had ever faced. Higher Power as I felt the love of I had reacted instinctively, just as Bill friends pouring over me. had foretold. I turned to the source of I thought of the serenity that min- love and healing and found it changled with the fear the past week; the neled once again through the fellowsteadiness of my step as 1 walked be- ship of Alcoholics Anonymous. side my wife into this strange and I no longer wanted a drink. alien world of cancer treatment. I Maybe young Kevin isn’t an alcothought of my sponsor, and of other holic. I don’t know. I d o know what I AA friends who had appeared at each am: a grateful alcoholic surrounded dark corner to hold our hands. by the healing magic of AA. There’s Where was AA when I needed it? It no maybe about that! had been there with me all along. For George M., Norman, Okla.

August 1992

tell by the smiles and nods from the regulars that he was known but had not been around in a while. When he was called on to speak he stated that he was glad to see everyone again, that he had moved to The Dalles but had decided to drop by for a meeting and to see old friends. My ears perked up when he mentioned The Dalles. especially since he looked like an outdoors typc and therefore might know where the catfish lake was. I figured this might be a “God-shot” (if he existed) and I would talk to the man after the meeting. He told about going to a meeting the night before in The Dalles, during which a good friend was celebrating

T he day of my home group’s cele- Iheaded up the^ the next day. Having bration of my second AA birth- failed to ask for specific directions, 1 day, Isaved a place at the table for my could not find the lake and so took my would then take my booze and beer into the woods, along with a sleeping bag and a chain, which Iwould fasten six months of sobriety. “The problem is,” the man said, “my friend somehow got into a bottle sponsor, but he arrived a little late and float-tube out into the Columbia and around a tree and padlock. Next I between the meeting and home. took the last seat in the back of the tried for bass. would climb the tree and tie the block Before Ileft to come to Portland this room. As Istarted to share, Isuddenly Unfortunately, Icouldn’t shake the of ice to a branch. Then Icould strip morning I got a phone call-my realized whom that empty chair beside fantasies about drinking and found down, throw everything out of reach, friend’s young son had just found him me was for, and here’s the story Itold. myself thinking that my problem climb into the sleeping bag, handcuff dead in bed, apparently choked to Just before reaching six months of wasn’t with drinking, i t was with my myself to the chain, and get drunk. By death on his own vomit.?’ sobriety in AA, I was having a very actions while Idrank. I f Icould just the time the ice melted and the key fell The urge to drink, and my well-laid difficult time with a compulsion to figure out a way to drink without hurt- 1 would be sober again. plans to relapse “safely,” left me at drink. I was not sharing this with any- ing myself or others, i t would be4ac- I finalized my plan on a Saturday that moment, and I’ve never since had one and had not yet found a solution ceptable to me, and Icould lie about and intended to implement i t the fol- as strong a compulsion, nor made any to this God problem (my prayers start- i t to others. lowing Wednesday, the exact six- other plans to get drunk. ed with: “God. i f you exist and give The next day, Idevised a way to get month anniversary of my sobriety. I I t i s my sincere hope that some day a t l a m . . .”). Idecided to take a few drunk safely. I was in the habit of was very sad and disheartened, but God (he does exist for me today) re-‘ I days off to fish. an activity that usu- freezing ice for my cooler in a certain knew that Icouldn’t live with the con- minds some suffering soul of this ally took my nlind off booze. I hap- container, and I knew it took about stant obsessions. story. I hope he or she can go to a pcncd to nwntion to a friend that I was twelve hours to melt. Being an ex-cop, The next day, for some reason. Ifelt meeting and look for an empty chair Ilungry Ibr catfish but hadn’t found a Is t i l l had my handcuffs. The plan was compelled to go to my first Sunday and think about the man whose death Ii good place fbr them in our area. He to freeze my ‘cuff key into the block morning meeting. After the meeting kept me sober. 1 mentioned a lake near The Dalles. and of ice, along with a sturdy cord. I had started, a man came in and Icould Mux W . Reaverton, Ore.

August 1992

A matter of choice From Marysville, Ohio: I’ve been in and out of AA for the last seven years. Currently, I am in prison. I asked the judge to send me here instead of to another treatment center. In the past seven years I have walked out of over 27 treatment centers against medical advice and I just couldn’t take it anymore. So I’m here by choice-weird, huh’ Not really. I finally got to the point I’ve been trying to get to for seven years: willing to go to any lengths. I’ve been here only three months, but I’ve grown more in this short time than in the many years before. Anyway, I just wanted to send my sincere thanks to all of you and let you know how grateful I ani for all you’ve done and are doing for me. It brings tegrs to my eyes. I am not alone and never need to be again. The people at the local central office put me in contact with an AA pen pal in Hawaii and that’s been neat. I hope she continues to write. This program is beautiful, and even though I am in prison, today life is beautiful, too. D. D.

January 1993

alcohol.” Instead, it is: “I feel hurt, and talk about my alcoholism. angry at my boss, mad at my mother, My lengths of sobriety are getting etc., but since I’ve got ten years of longer, thanks to AA, but I feel like sobriety. I know it won’t make me I have to compete with others in the drink.” After ten years, they are still Fellowship during a meeting to get a miserable and let everybody at the chance to even speak briefly about meeting know and they do it week my problems with alcohol. I get very after week. My sponsor says that I upset and leave the meeting, even should talk to her about my personal though I know it means I may drink problems and go to AA to talk about over this resentment with an AA my alcohol problem. group. I honestly have to go to hospital Most meetings have a one-year meetings to hear anyone discuss prob- sobriety requirement before members lems with alcohol. A lot of people can talk at a meeting, give a lead, or think AA will solve their marital prob- sponsor anyone. How the hell are we lems, their problems with jobs and supposed to stay sober? I have never co-workers, their overeating or read anywhere in the Big Book of anorexia, their sex and drug addic- such a thing, and wish we could just tions, and their “just plain lonely” go back to the old-style meetings of problem. I believe that this is not the just a bunch of last-gaspers who have

W ere are some words of experi- that is where we have been told or ence, strength, and hope from ordered by the court to go. What we a chronic relapser. My name is Rita hear is, “Shut up and maybe you’ll right program to take on every problem in life, especially if the problem has nothing to do with staying sober. a drinking problem, who come together to talk about their problem with alcohol. Am I being unrealistic and I am an alcoholic. Today is my learn something.” We hear from I sincerely doubt that Bill W. or Dr. or unfair? I realize I may sound like sobriety day, and it is the only day I people who have high bottoms, have Bob could have stayed sober for one a typical alcoholic, complaining can stay sober. I came into the pro- suffered a few serious consequences, minute in today’s meetings! I know about the program, but I wonder if gram of Alcoholics Anonymous in and enjoy the fellowship of this pro- I can’t get one word in edgewise any of your readers agree with me? April 1987 and have put together gram because they are so-0-0-0 about my alcohol problem with all We alcoholics have an obsession about eighteen months of sobriety in spiritual. They’re so perfect, in fact, the different compulsions people with alcohol, a fatal attraction. We 1 those three years. I’ve been labeled that we wonder if they ever took that bring to the meetings. Maybe nobody cannot stop drinking all by ourselves a “classic alcoholic” since I took the first drink! These perfect human be- agrees with me, but I was led to un- without the continuous help of others first drink. Now. twenty years later, ings boast about sobriety every , derstand that this program was for in the program who have long-term I am still on the bottom because of chance they get, run the meetings. alcoholics. sobriety. The whole focus of AA my drinking. and talk the longest when they share, I am so desperately ill, I am dying meetings should be on helping the Let this letter be a gentle reminder whether in a discussion, Step, or Big from this disease. I want recovery newly sober person stay sober, beto those who have years of continuous Book meeting. We unrecovered folks more than anything in my life. I have cause we are the one totally defeated sobriety and release from the obses- feel like fish out of water. no doubt that if we went back to the and demoralized by alcohol. sion of alcohol: We who continue to Does any of this sound familiar? basics, more people like me would First things first, folks – help us destroy ourselves with alcohol come When I go to meetings, day after day, find continuous recovery. It really who cannot help ourselves. We too to an AA meeting to talk about our I rarely hear anybody say, “I have a confuses me when I cannot go to a want to be happy, joyous, and free. problem with our drinking because hangover” or “I have a problem with meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous Rita G . , Columbus, Ohio

February 1993

I went to speaker meetings and listened while other people shared their experience, strength, and hope and I decided that alcohol just hadn’t affected me that much. My drinking didn’t take me to prostitution. 1 didn’t sleep in alleyways. I had never lost Ruins anything material due to my drinking. So I wasn’t that bad. I wasn’t an alcoholic. what happened.. . I remembered that in my late teens Then I began to realize that the little year medallion, never admitting that Your I drank a lot but something happened and I stopped. And again in my midserenity and the changes that my therapist, family, and friends had seen in me were diminishing. I started I had been drinking all along. But shortly afterward, I checked myself back into a rehab. The lies I contwenties I drank around the clock but something happened and again I stop- withdrawing from the people I had stantly told my friends were too hard ped. So how could this controlled come to love. Alcohol was affecting to live with. The deceit was against drinker be an alcoholic? A real al- my moods. I became suspicious and everything that AA stood for. I wasn’t coholic can’t control her drinking. paranoid. And I said, “Damn, Al- even being true to myself. These people, 1 thought, are unpre- coholics Anonymous did this to me.” My first two weeks in rehab I wanted dictable when they drink and that’s And it was m e , what I had heard others to drink very badly. I told myself that how they ended up in AA. But what say – that AA ruins your drinking. only a real alcoholic could have such y name is Debbie, and I’m an the hell am I doing here? I wanted to stop but I couldn’t. The an intense desire for a drink. I didn’t alcoholic. But I continued to go. And I con- obsession to drink was too strong. I know what else to do, so I got down When I first came to Alcoholics tinued seeing my therapist. She and tried everything. I went to more meet- on my knees and asked God to please Anonymous not only did 1 not believe my family felt that I should keep ings. I prayed more. But I never got lift this obsession to drink. And he I was an alcoholic, but I resented very going to AA because they noticed a honest with anyone about picking up did. This was my spiritual experience. much having to say that I was one. change in me. I started opening up. that first drink. I came back into AA because I told To admit to being an alcoholic meant I was no longer isolating. And I Where had I gone wrong? Why my group how I had been drinking I couldn’t drink like normal people; wasn’t withdrawn anymore. Every- couldn’t I stop like before? By this all along. I didn’t do it for them, I I could no longer be a social drinker one who knew me sensed a big change time not even my prayers were work- did it for me. I cried as I was sharing who could take it or leave it. And in me. And for the first time in my ing. I decided not to tell anyone be- but I had to be honest with God. mythere were too many weeks and life I met people who genuinely loved cause I figured I would stop on my self, and another human being. I knew months where I had been abstinent and cared for me. I was overwhelmed. own. I had done it before, I could do that in order for me to accept my disfrom alcohol to admit now that I could The more I went to meetings the it again. A person who drinks doesn’t ease I had to get honest. no longer drink like a lady. more I looked forward to coming want to be around anybody who’s so- I know today that I’m no different But I continued going to meetings. back. I desired everything that AA ber. At least I found that to be true from any other alcoholic in an AA And I remember the first time I spoke. offered – the promises, the friend- with me. So I stopped going to meet- meeting. AA gave me a chance at a 1 identified myself as an alcoholic. ships, the hugs. But still I wanted to ings regularly. I stopped returning new life – a chance to grow in areas But I only said it because other people drink. And I did. I went on one of calls. And whenever someone ques- I only could have dreamed about were saying it and I didn’t want to my periodic sprees when drinking tioned me, 1 lied. be fore. be different. was the only thing that I lived for. I went back and accepted my one- Debbie C..Plainfield. N.J.

May 1 9 9 3

RecmJew

Starting from. It was a twenty-four-hour, seven-day-a-week job. I went to any lengths to get a drink, from stealing to selling myself. 1ended up in institusuggested I let wiser heads direct my life for a change. So off I went – to the town where I was born, after became grateful for not big things, but stuff like food, shoes, a job, a bed, lights, clothing, health, et cetera. It worked for me. I still make Overeee tions. Once again I tried starting over. I began going to meetinas. But one ~~ thirty-seven years of being away. It was funny I would return there to begin my life over. In this halfway house, there were this a practice in my life. Before I end my sharing with you, I’d like to pass on an experience I night I wenfio a local bar. My excuse and was: “I want to listen to some disco music.” I ordered a soda. Then I thought, “Well, if I have a beer, no twelve women, all white. Being black, I decided they didn’t do the things I did or feel the way I did. But had a while back. One night while at home alone, looking at TV and trying to practice HALT, all of a sudden I was overwhelmed with anxiety, fear, one will know.” Then I thought I’d there was one lady who shared her story and I realized I was not alone. loneliness, paranoia, and the shakes. have some gin. “No one will know.” I was horrified, not knowing what And the merry-go-round started I could relate to her feelings and experiences. From that day on, I put was wrong. I held on to the chair for again. dear life, and without any reservation It took me a few years to get back everything I had into getting and staying sober. or hesitation, the l’benty-third Psalm to AA and in the interim alcohol took came to my mind and out of my me even lower. I found myself drink- That first year was a cloud-nine experience. During year two, reality set mouth. I had been a child when I last ing alone, full of fear, hurt and aching w hen I was introduced to AA in 1982, my job was on the line. It was suggested I go to a rehabilitawith loneliness. I felt like a snake under a rock. I couldn’t get drunk and I couldn’t get sober. The pain in. It was rough, but I didn’t drink, I went to meetings, and I shared, good or bad, happy or sad. I now have a read or recited that verse. I immediately called my sponsor and he told me the same thing had happened to him. And when it did, he tion center. So off I went to a rehab was unbearable. But there was always sponsor, I read the Big Book and in the mountains. I thought it was a other related materials, and most im- fell on his knees. I was relieved that the thought in the back of my mind someone else had experienced it too. vacation: three meals a day and recre- that maybe this time it would be dif- portant, I have a home group and I ation. I did not listen to anything. I am involved in the program of Al- With all my heart, I believe that ferent. I looked for the feeling I had my Higher Power was getting my atfigured, I hadn’t lost my job – yet. I gotten with my very first drink. Chas- coholics Anonymous. They said I hadn’t lost a family – yet. I’d never could live a happy and sober life and tention. He was letting me know that ing rainbows, I call it. he is with me and everything is going received a drunk driving citation – I went to another rehab. This time I wanted it real bad – so bad I could yet. I compared myself our. To me taste it. to be all right. After being a very it was different. I really wanted the rebellious minister’s daughter, 1 still an alcoholic was a skid row bum. I I had a hard time with the Third wasn’t like that – yet. pain to stop. I described it as feeling Step, though. I am the daughter of a can’t believe this happened – and I like a dam had burst and overflowed. am sharing it. In the last years of my drinking, I listened, I shared, I read the Big Methodist minister and had long remany YETS happened to me. Alcohol belled against religion. I never heard Alcoholics Anonymous is working Book; I gave one hundred percent to in my life. Each day I wake up is took me to abandoned buildings in this program of Alcoholics Anony- “Good Orderly Direction.” I believed New York City, where there was no in the people in the rooms at first. another day to be grateful for not takmous. ing a drink. I am learning who I am electricity, no running water. We After three days, it was suggested Then I learned to pray to something. made fires in old oil cans and stood As time went on, I believed that some- and I am not that snake under a rock I go to a halfway house for women. anymore. I am a grateful recovering around them trying to stay warm. I At first, I said the idea was out of the thing was working in my life. I didn’t think about anything else ex- realized it was my own Higher Power, alcoholic. Thanks for helping me stay question. I explained I didn’t like or sober. cept where my next drink was coming get along with women. Then it was not of my mother’s or father’s understanding but of my understanding. I Deborah C., Georgetown, Del.

May 1993

Responses to a “chronic relapser” From Sloan, Iowa: I was compelled to write this letter power I had was the people who sat in response to the lady named Rita at my meetings. They loved me when G. in the January 1993 issue (“We I was still learning how to spell the Who Cannot Help Ourselves”). I can word love. These people have integonly offer her what AA has given me rity, they have values, they have mor- – a daily reprieve from my illness. als, they are positive. they are sober. AA is a “we” program, but there are They are winners. N. M. things that I alone must do – like, not pick up the first drink, and go to From Fayetteville, Neb.: meetings. Rita G. of Columbus, Ohio, asked AA is a program of change, and if she was being unrealistic or unfair I’m the only one who can change me, regarding her wish that meetings though it was the group who shared could just focus on problems with altheir experience, strength, and hope coholism and not other issues. Well, with me. It was the group who held I can’t answer that because this almy hand until my hand could hold coholic (me) does not know what is another hand, even though I’ve felt 1 realistic, or fair. I can only speak of was getting nothing from some meet- my disease “alcoholism.” The “ism” ings. But every table 1 ever sat at, at (for me) is I, self, me! Alcoholism is the end of the meeting two other not just an issue of compulsive drinkpeople, one on each side of me, ing for me. It is compulsive behavior would hold my hands in prayer, and in all my life. I need to listen to other the higher power would encompass alcoholics who expresslshare their us in the power of love. disease of alcoholism, encompassing For a long time the only higher any and all problems that relate to the “ism.” C. V.

July 1993

Two Ounce a Day A fter a little sobriety, some of the craziness of the drinking days gets to be funny. It feels good to laugh percent alcohol – so I was shortchanging myself. I did the math. To get two ounces of real alcohol, I’d have about it, but it’s bittersweet humor to drink five ounces of gin! with an edge of pathos, and lunacy So I measured out that more genernot far below the surface. When ous serving for another week or so, someone bristles at the word “insan- but still felt cramped. I was a busy ity” in Step Tho, I remember that I guy, after all, and didn’t have time did: too – and I think of this episode. to fool with measuring cups. What A few months before I stopped the doctor really meant, I decided, drinking I took my first physical in was to limit myself to two drinks a years. I took a bunch of tests, and day. So I forgot about the measuring my liver put some bad numbers on cup and made myself two martinis a the board. ‘ day – in a glass the size of a goldfish Did I drink? the doctor asked. bowl. Some, I said. Of course, even that discipline He said he wanted me to limit my- soon was abandoned. self to two ounces a day, or risk seri- My mental gyrations made perfect ous damage to my liver. Would that sense at the time, but a little sobriety be a problem? made me see the bizarre episode for No problem, I said. what it was: A doctor told me I faced I didn’t want to blow out my liver, serious health problems because I was but I didn’t want to give up martinis, drinking too much, and I responded either. So I tiptoed up the edge of the by playing games. limit the doctor had set: Each day I If he had told me that chocolate took my bottle of gin and my measur- bars were causing a life-threatening ing cup and poured precisely two problem, I wouldn’t merely have cut ounces for my single, skimpy martini. back; I would have quit, that day, I felt deprived, of course, but kept it because chocolate bars weren’t that up for a week. important to me. And that’s the insan- Then I got to thinking. The doctor ity: Alcohol had become important said two ounces of alcohol, and this enough to me to die for. gin was only eighty proof – just forty G . S . , Royal Oak, Mich.

October 1993

got drunk. I only drank for two days think it was the first time a true underbut that was enough. I knew I’d better standing of the fatal nature of our disget back in the program because it ease made its way from my head to wasn’t any better than it had been my heart. before and it was getting worse fast,” I’ve known a lot of people since he said. then who have slipped. I try to use “I never thought I would come what happened to them like a cattlc Feel seen him at all for months back if I ever had a slip. But AA is prod for my own program and I listen to L.. . until today. the only thing I can think of that might carefully for the clue as to what of you and tell you I b When we asked if work. I just don’t know what else to caused them to pick up a drink. went out and got A there was anybody in do,” he said softly. It happened just the other day at a drunk. I had almost ‘ the first thirty days I haven’t had a drink since my first meeting I go to. There I listened while seven years of so- I of sobriety, he meeting. So in the artificial world of a man I knew told us he had gone briety and now I 1 looked across the my own mind, it has been easy for out and gotten drunk after nineteen have to start I table and said soft- me to unleash a dose of grandiosity months of sobriety. all over again.” ly “My name’s and observe that 1 might have one His hands shook and his eyes wat- His eyes . . . and I’m an more drunk left in me but wasn’t sure ered. He said: “I just thought I was told us more than his words. [ alcoholic.’* Later the I had one more recovery. The truth is I just don’t know. But different. Well, I’m sure as hell not different now.” I hope the message They had tha r chairman called every time someone comes back after he passed along to me is powerful tight, remorse on him to tell I a slip, I have been forced to look enough to out-shout the terminal I ful look 01 shame and de- I us what happened. It was inward. I have to wonder what I would d o if it was me and not the uniqueness with which I am plagued. I know I am powerless over alcohol feat. It was the ‘ difficult. But other person who picked up the drink. and that I must always be on guard same shame, he began. It is the stories of others who have against the slow, quiet return of my the same self- I- 1 n He wasn’t suffered that continually serve to alcoholic insanity. So far, the mesloathing I used sure just what remind me that I am absolutely pow- sage passed on by those who drink to see in my own had happened. At I erless over alcohol. again has helped me keep my prioreyes when I looked first he simply start- One of the most painful lessons ities straight. They are a major reason in the bathroom ed slacking off on was when my own sponsor drank why I try never to take the program mirror on Saturday his program; he went again after being sober for eight for granted. morning after the to fewer and fewer years. He was a gentle, caring man And today, once again, the man Friday night before. meetings. Then he who had forgotten more about the AA who slipped has delivered his mes- He’d been a regular stopped going to any program than I will ever know. Yet sage of remorse and regret. I sure at our noontime group meetings at all. he went out and got drunk. He did hope he makes it now. And, honestly, for scvcral years. “A really tough sober up and had been sober for a I’m grateful it was him and not me. Then because of work point came up in my year when he passed away. I can only pray with all my heart that and other commit- life. I tried to get His was the message that finally if and when it’s my time to stand at ments he didn’t come through it. Then I just blasted away any last doubts I had the crossroads, I won’t forget the look around as much as he said. ‘The hell with about the power of alcoholism and in his eyes. used to. We hadn’t it,’ and went out and the powerlessness of the alcoholic. I Ano~~ptlous, Boise, Idaho

October 1993

not to feel distant from the institution- group, everyone knew that his brain The Damage I I alized alcoholics at the county hospi- was damp, if not absolutely soaked. I tal, who were so far gone. The cookie When he sat down to the keyboard a Drink Can Do monsters were also hard to relate to, but they were easily accessible, so I decided to keep an eye on them. one evening, nobody thought for a minute that he was capable of playing anything. But surprisingly, he comthere is a point of no return Thank God for the willingness to menced to play genuine music. look at what I have in common with This was a Curly we didn’t know. y first home group in AA them alone. He also explained that other alcoholics rather than focusing He put his hands to the keyboard and M offered a tremendous diversity some of the cookie monsters were parof drunks: men and women of many tial wetbrains. on the differences. Memories of the cookie monsters have helped me picked up somewhere in the middle of a beautiful piece: It was something races, religions, classes, and creeds. Wetbrains. I had heard chilling countless times to stay away from the classical, with cascading- notes and Some had problems other than al- stories of them – people who’d suf- compelling measures. For cohol, but via the Third Tradition, fered organic brain damage from ad- especially the memo several minutes the music they were welcome at our open meet- vanced alcoholism. For some of flowed, gracious and ings in case they also had a drinking them, their drinking had left them soothing, with hopeproblem. They lived on the street and stuck somewhere in time, doomed to ful major chords. weren’t very conscientious about per- relive fragments of memory, over and Then: thud! Dissonal hygiene. over. knew his real name. cordantiy, abruptly Collectively, we called this group Like the man my sponsor met while And no one seemed the music stopped. the “cookie monsters”; they were working at a county hospital in 11- to know where he And the Curly we mostly men, occasionally women, linois. Though he’d lived on the ward lived, though he knew sat at the who came to the meetings early to for years, he thought he was standing didn’t have the gaunt keyboard looking bedevour cookies and drink coffee. The in the rain outside his home. All day look of someone From the wildered, as if he didn’t hospitality committee was compelled long, he would plead to his wife, street. Actually, he 1 know where he was or to carefully dole out the Oreos over “Honey, please let me in,” because ow he’d gotten there. the course of the evening, lest they she’d once locked him out for coming Curly attended a lot of meetings, He stayed at the keyboard until all be eaten at once. It was hard learn- home drunk. and was known to speak up occasion- someone approached to shut the ing individual names because those I shuddered to hear that story. That ally: real words, but between long piano. saying it was time for the meetwho spoke usually babbled only to man was just like us – he’d never silences, and their sequence was ing. Then he headed to the back of themselves. Occasionally, one actu- aspired to destroying his brain with always nonsense. He couldn’t com- the room for cookies and coffee. ally got sober. Most never seemed to alcohol. He’d just kept on drinking, municate. And when you looked in Had Curly really played classical connect at all. one day at a time, until the damage his eyes, it was clear that nobody was piano? I was completely baffled, until Even John C . – the Irish sailor was done. home. recalling my sponsor’s story of the who’d lived on the street for years John also assured me that wetbrain A piano stood in the room where wetbrain at the county hospital, the before getting sober and would be- was a condition that anyone of us al- my home group met, and occasion- one locked out in the rain. That beaufriend anyone, no matter how down coholics could achieve (if we didn’t ally between setting up and meeting tiful music was Curly’s fragment of and out – even John seldom spoke to die first). We just hadn’t progressed time, someone would play a popular memory, a cluster of dry brain cells the cookie monsters. He said they that far yet. Yet. tune, such as “Heart and Soul” or amid the swamp . . . and a glimpse wanted to be left alone, and that he Did I believe I was a potential wet- “Chopsticks.” of what he had lost to alcoholisnl. could best welcome them by leaving brain’? In theory, yes. But it was hard Since Curly was a regular to the At~ot~p~wus, Otnuhu, Neb.

April 1994

If the book fits . .. From Palmer, Alaska: Hi, I’m Denton and I’m an alcoholic. I am sitting here in jail. I have just been sentenced on my 4th DWI charge to 240 days and six months of inpatient alcohol rehab. I know that I am here because I stepped out. I have been in AA on and off since 1989, when I first arrived in mainland Alaska. Since I have been in jail, my wife has left me, I have nowhere to store all my personal goods, and I won’t have a driver’s license for five years. No, I am not feeling sorry for myself, I have just finally done what I should have done in 1989: I have admitted that I am powerless over alcohol and that my life has been unmanageable. I am coming to believe in a Higher Power that will lead me in the rest of my life. I now have the desire to never pick up another drink for the rest of my life. I have borrowed a Big Book and read a chapter every night before lockdown. So far, everything that I have read is me. D. B.

May 1994

It Works, If -YouWork I t my husband. He was already con- terrified. When I think back on that cerned about the frequency and night, I have to laugh at myself. The amount of my drinking. He’d recently members welcomed me back with made the suggestion that we both stop open arms. I hung on to AA like a drinking for a trial period of a month. drowning person in a churning sea. He had no idea how much I drank This time 1 realized that AA is a before he came home and after he program of action. The concept “It went to bed. works, if you work it” finally got Later, when the real decline began, through. he became quite adept at unearthing My journey along the AA path has my bottle graveyards. Each time he not been a smooth one, however. would ask me if I’d been drinking, There have been slips and I have been i and for how long, I’d retreat into dis- through detox three times. Throughhonesty and scream my innocence. out all this adversity, I never let go These were all old bottles, I’d swear. of the program. I knew it was my I didn’t drink anymore. He wouldn’t only hope. After each step back, I answer. He didn’t need to. His look would pray that my sponsor would of loathing and anger spoke volunles. not give up on me. She didn’t. He’d just continue looking, finding Neither did my husband. Their faith more and more bottles. pulled me through. I learned through the AA program I am not an old-timer. My sobriety of recovery that alcoholics can bring is new and very precious to me. I out the worst characteristics in their have almost finished ninety meetings partners. This was certainly true in in ninety days. The first few days I my home. Daily. he became more ver- dreaded going to the meetings. I put bally abusive. What my alcohol-sod- them on the level of an exercise class. den brain didn’t register was that he You hate to go, but you go because was also a desperate man. We became you like the results. he trip down the aisle to the that half pint of vodka. Yet. I was involved in a classic codependent Now I look forward’to my meetcheckout counter loomed be- still surprised when she spoke to me. cycle. As the downward spiral con- ings. I’ve made some very real fore me. I lived in a small “Why don’t you buy a fifth?” she tinued, he became more abusive and friends. They are so easy to be with town. Even though I was verycareful, asked. “It’s a much better deal for controlling. I drank more and became because I don’t have to pretend to be there was always the chance I would your money.” more dependent. someone that I’m not. I don’t have w c someone I knew. 1 shopped for “Well.” I replied. “I like to control It was somewhere during this to hide anything from them. They unmy half pints of vodka at a variety of my drinking. I’ve always been wor- period I rediscovered AA. I’d been derstand. small stores. Large stores were too ried about developing a drinking in AA two years before, determined I also look forward to the meetings dangerous. You couldn’t case them problem. This is more than enough to learn how to be a controlled because I know what is waiting for out before walking to the liquor sec- to last me a week.” drinker. However, my pet project me patiently out there. When I betion to make your purchase. The irony in all this was that I ac- hadn’t worked. This time I brought come frightened or anxious now I The checker at the counter recog- tually believed that she believed me. a new determination into the pro- read the Third Step prayer instead of nizcd me. I was there every Wednes- The truth was that I bought half-pints gram. I had at last become teachable. the label of a vodka bottle. day and made the same purchase – because they were easier to hide from The first evening I returned, I was Gail H . , Crystal Lake, Ill.

May 1994

66Nearly”Sober I had downed. A hot wind blew over my farm with the odor of hay that The next two years were a roller coaster ride I hope I don’t soon forget. had just been put up in the barn. I My sobriety, as the Big Book states, looked at the label on the bottle and was “precarious.” Tho to three read “one half of one percent of al- months dry and then back out there. his stuff won’t hurt you!” cohol.” How in the world could such I lost numerous good jobs, as well as reasoned my friend Ted. a little bit of alcohol hurt me? Didn’t a marriage of eight years. “Read the words out loud I have three years of sobriety? Surely Something happened in March so you can get it through your thick this miniscule amount of liquor would 1992. My Higher Power once again head – ‘nonalcoholic’!” be no match for the mighty bulwark restored the gift of sobriety in my life. My “friend” put the ice-cold brew of sobriety I had built up inside me. The past seventeen months have in my hand. I watched as the sweat (Unfortunately, I hadn’t been to an proved the faithfulness of my favorite AA meeting in over a year.) Calming promise over and over: God is doing my justifiable fears, I inhaled the first for me what I cannot do for myself. one, coming up for air only once. I I covet the gift now and maintain it had another later, feeling pretty with many meetings and close spongood about myself. At last, I thought, sorship. here was a way that I could be social- I have an allergy of the body and ly acceptable in my old circle of mind called alcoholism. When I leave friends. the “sleeping giant” alone, I am safe. Within six months, I was back in When I awaken it with the smallest a treatment center. 1 am an alcoholic. amount of alcohol, the physiological 1 am allergic to even the smallest craving takes over. Total and comamount of alcohol. Within two weeks plete abstinence remains my only of drinking “near-beer,” I had picked hope of recovery over this incredibly up on my drinking right where I had patient disease. left off three years before. Rick R., Grandview, Mo.

July 1994

C an we accumulate sobriety? peers and sponsors. I’d enshrined my Can we store up time in our sobriety, encircling it with a halo of sobriety banks against emo- time. Sixteen long years – 1 had real tional recessions or depressions down time under my belt! 1 was Mr. AA Oldthe road? Does long-term sobriety au- Timer! (Keep in mind that none of this tomatically make for good sobriety? was up-front or conscious. It all hap- What makes for good sobriety, inde- pened under the surface, so to speak. A pendent of length of time in the pro- form of pride. Remember what the gram? Fourth Step says?Pride is the deadliest These and other questions have of the Seven Deadlies?It goeth before a been badgering me now for three long fall?) years. It has been just three years since Number three: life happened to me. I was carried out of my house on a Yeah, okay, it was life with a capital stretcher by the local rescue squad in “L,” at least three years of one tragedy an alcoholic coma – this after almost after another. Our nest had just empsixteen years of continuous sobriety in tied of its four fledglings. Three out of Alcoholics Anonymous. I’d been at- four of these kids at one time or anothtending meetings regularly, sponsoring er had to come to grips with their own many people, starting meetings, speak- addictions. There were rehabs after reing at anniversaries, staying very active, habs, detention schools, and legal hasoff-and-on working in the drug and al- sles. Several family members faced cohol field, getting divorced, remarry- multiple life-threatening crises. There ing a person in AA, reconstituting a was the brutal triple murder of my family, etc. In short, I was living life on spouse’s former in-laws, and all the atlife’s terms (more or less) while staying tendant national publicity for months sober one day at a time. What hap- afterward. A beloved science writer pened? mentor had a mental breakdown and 1 got drunk. Really drunk. Almost was left disabled and unrecognizable as died. But before that happened, other his former vivacious self. My second very, very subtle things happened. And sponsor came down with terminal kidthey happened over a long period, at ney cancer. I buried my third sponsor. least several years. I left my home group because few, if any, remained who were there when 1 Signposts to disaster arrived years before. My poor spouse 1 Number one: my disease got stronger, agonized through menopause. During flexing its muscles every day. (It’s not deer season, a stray bullet crashed nice, but true. Hard for alcoholics to re- through our upstairs bedroom window. member.) There were broken arms, hands, a hip Number two: with the help of AA replacement, corneal transplants,

esophageal and carotid artery surgeries. This alcoholism is truly a’disease, I lost a favorite student, parents dis- and one that gains its strength from covered cancers, a close friend of mine telling me it isn’t a disease. It’s endlessrelapsed, tornadoes ravaged our coun- ly patient. And getting stronger by the ty, war broke out in the Middle East. day. I call it a hungry ghost, just over Need I continue?Welcome to life on my left shoulder. Relapse is a process in life’s terms, Mr. AA Old-Timer. which getting drunk and overdosing is just the final step. Temptation strikes But it needn’t end that way. 1 believe One afternoon while working alone in that one can be close to relapse -with an associate’s home, I discovered a shaky or crumbling sobriety -and rebasement full to overflowing with cover from it safely. Way back in the every manner of alcoholic beverage – beginning I remember hearing over case upon case of the stuff! (Note: right and over again about dry drunks, proabout here I think it fair to mention a gression, Higher Power, being only one deep-seated reservation I had always drink away from a drunk. . . Believe carried with me that I could still some- me, I have a very different outlook on how alter my consciousness without my tender (yet rugged) sobriety these dying or otherwise harming myself. No, days. not with alcohol, but I thought there might be some other “safe” substance A daily reprieve – you know, the way the Native I understand now it is indeed a twen- American Church has its peyote.) ty-four hour contract only. Always and Well, if you’re the kind of booze- only twenty-four hours. 1 must re-sign hound I am, and the stuff is all around this contract every morning and you, and there’s not another human in reevaluate it every night. sight, and you just want to get high, I Is my spiritual condition this mocalculate it will take about twenty sec- ment worthy of such a divine reprieve? onds to unplug from your Higher Pow- Will I stay plugged in -and firmly so cr and to uncork your Lower Power. – to my Higher Power today? What That’s about how long it took me. can I do right now to ensure that con- Later in an intensive relapse unit 1 nection? Can 1 see how I am always a Im1 checked myself into, I discovered beginner (never anything else)? How so~iicwonclcrfirl t h i ~ g s :I’m not inade it’s so dangerous to be an expert with a o f ni;irhle. I am flesh and bone, and mind clogged with all the answers? Ilcxible. I can bend without snapping. How “beginner’s mind” has the highest And, I don’t have all the answers (nev- potential? And how “beginner’s mind” er did), even if you persist in making is what can always save me? rile think that I do. Philip T. , New H o p , Penn.

October 1994

knees and pray for fifteen minutes for feel in having to ask for their help. My Beginners the compulsion to leave. Can you do fears were groundless. At the end of the that!” 1 told him 1 could. But I was appointed t’ime, I raised my head in re- Meeting shocked at what else he proposed that 1 lief: the compulsion was gone. My do. Higher Power did not fail me. “Second, if at the end of that time I’ve told that story often, and someyou still want to drink, simply go quick- times have been asked if I actually ly to the local police would have followed station, tell them through. My answer is you’re an alcoholic in grave danger of drinking, and ask them to . . . if / ever yes -if prayer had not relieved the desire, I would have. It may not i

Lock Me please lock you up for the next twenty-four drink again it have been a conventional AA-approved hours.” method of staying My jaw dropped. I will be over sober, but it would have worked. If I had could hardlv wait to hear suggestion number placed myself in a situthree. One thing only. ation where it was “Third, if for some physically. impossible reason they tell you under-treated io drink, then my SOthey can’t do that, sim- briety would have been guaranteed. I discov-

A t a meeting recently, a woman following story may illustrate my point. ply start breaking winraised her hand and said that When 1 was about two years sober, 1 dews there in the ~/CO holism ered that “going to any she’d gotten drunk the previ- was suddenly seized one night with the station so that they length” means just ous evening because of problems with compulsion to drink. My program was have to arrest you.” I that. It does not rule her husband. Probably she believed in good shape, and there was no life was speechless. This out actions that are difthat marital problems caused her to crisis that might have made a drink sounded like insanity (a condition 1 ficult, inconvenient, embarrassing, or drink, but I saw her situation differ- more tempting than usual. The disease liked to think I had left behind), but I unorthodox. ently. had simply reared its ugly head. was desperate. After checking several 1 also realized that I never have to I’ve been blessed with several years All the AA meetings in the area times to make sure he was serious, I drink again. I am not one of the unforof sobriety, and in that time I’ve seen were over for that night, so in desper- promised I would do as he suggested. tunates who are constitutionally incahundreds of slips. 1 don’t think anyone ation 1 called my sponsor. I told him I dropped to my knees and prayed for pable of the action this program relapses over their spouses, jobs, kids, that the compulsion was so strong I the compulsion to be expelled. I tried requires. This does not mean 1will ever or financial problems, although a lot of didn’t believe I could remain sober for to force out those intrusive thoughts of be immune. But I do believe that my folks say that’s why they drank. M y the night. He assured me that if 1 confessing my desperation to the same Higher Power will never back me into opinion is that if I ever drink again it promised to do three things, I would i police who had arrested me in drunk- a comer where I have no choice but to will be over one thing, and one thing not drink. 1 en stupors in days past. My face burned, drink. He will always provide me with I only: under-treated alcoholism. The “First,” he said, “get down on your anticipating the humiliation I would some resource, some action I can take,

to prevent that drink from occurring. length, my sobriety is assured. Fear and pride must be overcome, as S o if the day comes that I do drink they may get in the way of using the again, it will not he because I had no help that is sent. If I give in to them altemative. It will he hecause I had an and say, “This is too hard” or “That is alternative, provided by a loving GtJ, too extreme,” my relapse is inevitable. but was unwilling to use it. If I have the willingness to go to any Mike D., Syracuse, N.Y.

January 1995 Youth with other practicing alcoholics. I was get rid of my concept of God and be- 1 divorced more than once before I was come as teachable and open-minded as Enjoying. twenty-four years old. Getting beat up a child who knew nothing. S o I did. wasn’t unusual. Courtrooms became a Every morning I prayed, “God, I don’t Sobriety part of my lifestyle. 1 found myself on understand you, but please keep me federal probation, with mug shots and sober today,” and every night I prayed, fingerprints. I received deferred and “God, which I don’t understand, thank suspended sentences. 1 you for keeping me was in and out of sober today.” I read mental wards, treatment centers, and 1 didn’t want my devotions morning and 1 every prayed halfway houses – at immediately after- The least twelve that I can recall. Detoxinp, from to die from ward. I listened to people with sobriety talk about the God of Great Reality alcohol became common for me. 1 felt hopeless. , alcohol so their and I understanding, began to realize Meanwhile, I was I did what was that the old God of Within in and out of A A for over two years. I just – ~ . – my understanding was very different wasn’t willing to go to suggested. I from theirs. any lengths and I I made at least one wouldn’t get honest fa Tfed reading meeting every day to with myself. Also the put at least one hour y name is Anna and I’m a n going t o get in my way. I felt like a of sober thinking into God of my underalcoholic. I started drinking .at fourteen and by the grace powerful truck. I went to any lengths to get drunk and stay drunk. I felt norstanding was this big my Big Book – my mind. I got a man in a robe, with a sponsor. I called her of God I sobered up ten years later. I mal only when I was under the influ- all the time. I also got never drank like a social drinker. T h e long white beard, sitence and totally inadequate when I was a lot of phone numting in a big gold chair first time I drank I continued until 1 sober. Before 1 knew it, I had a twenty- in heaven, looking down at me. He bers from AA members ahd I reached blacked out. Right away, I drank to get four-hour-a-day obsession combined had a book with my assets and liabili- out a lot. This was against my nature drunk. I woke up sick, throwing up, with a powerful compulsion t o get ties. I was doomed. In my mind there because I was a loner before 1 came and not remembering much about the loaded and stay loaded. If I wasn’t in- was nothing I could do to make the into AA. But I didn’t want to die from night before. Yet I was excited and toxicated 1 was sick and scheming. Just God of my understanding love and for- alcohol so I did what was suggested. I looking forward to the next time I as a car needed gas, I needed alcohol to give me. 1 was scared of God. 1 couldn’t started reading my Big Lmk to the best could get drunk again. function. I turned my will and my life stay soher with my old concept of God. hf my ability. My attention span was Before I knew it, 1 was off and run- over to the care of alcohol. T h e last time 1 came into AA, on short and it was difficult for me to conning. 1 wanted what I wanted when I Insane behavior took over my life. I September 6, 1982, an old-timer with centrate, but 1 tried and tried. I didn’t wanted it and absolutely nothing was lied. 1 stole. I cheated. I associated only seventeen years of sobriety told me to want to die from alcohol.

Changes took place. I had new God of my understanding, and 1 friends. I wasn’t physically sick any- haven’t found it necessary to drink in more. I came to believe that a power over five years. greater than myself could restore me to “We found the Great Reality deep sanity. I took one Step at a time with A w n within us. In the last analysis it is the guidance of nay sponsor. One day I only there that He may be found. It was read the most beautiful lines in the Big SO with us.” Book. These lines helped me form a Anna S ., Fairview, Okla.

January 1995

a few days without any harm. This is the address given for the meeting. 1 how my journey into the pit began. couldn’t believe it! I even stopped a lo- The vacation was all right, sort of. I cal police officer on the chance that was suddenly free of the responsibilities he’d know where the AA group met; of my business and free from a rigid he was no help at all. schedule of meetings. 1 was also forced I had a real resentment and decided to act as full-time wife and mother. But I wouldn’t go to one of those secret the only role I’d been practicing for mountain meetings even if I could find these months was acting sober. By the them. I knew how to act sober. I could third day of our vacation in the moun- manage just fine, thank you very tains, I understcxd what being restless, much!

M y Sobriety irritahle, and discontented meant. I’d heard about it at meetings but I hadn’t yet experienced it in sobriety. Before I knew it, nine days had passed and I hadn’t been to a meeting. “You see,” 1 told myself, “1 really can do

Was Up I knew 1 needed to get to a meeting, so I called the AA number listed in the phone book. I heard a voice over an this just fine.” I kept repeating to myself, “I can do this!” O n the tenth day, my husband and

In the Air answering machine listing the locations and times of three meetings for that day. Each meeting was in a differson drove me to the airport about fifty miles away where my week-long busi-. ness trip was to begin. I rushed to the cnt direction “down the mountain,” plane and headed for San Jose, Caiiand I wrote down the one that sounded fomia via Atlanta, Georgia.

I can still remember my desperation sober I sounded despite my actual most interesting. (I didn’t write down as 1 stood in my hotel room in At- length of sobriety. I figured I’d managed the information on the location lanta one Saturday morning in late to gain one year of sobriety for every of the Stet, or Big.,Book August 1990. Out loud I said, “God, month I attended meetings. I had meeting. I liked displease help me. 1 can’t d o it.” I was raised “acting as if’ to an art form. cussion meetings nearly nine months sober. Up to this day I had considered my I stayed sober those first eight months on meetings and fellowship where I could I( let you know sobriety neither very difficult nor espe- and, of course, the strength of my will! how sober I cially easy to maintain. I got sober in Then I went out of town on vaca- WX.) I remember \ ., early December of 1989 and was deter- tion followed immediately by a busimy sense of relief mined to stay that way. 1 didn’t really ness trip. ;it knowing I’d he understand what you had but 1 was No sweat, I told myself. I’ll just get at a meeting withwilling to go to almost any lengths to to a few meetings up in the mountains in a few hours. act as if 1 had it, too. I went to meet- while I’m on vacation and two or three T h e only probings every day. This helped me to mim- while in California on business. After lem with my plan of ic your behavior and to “talk the talk.” all, I’d been to a meeting a day for more action was that n o Many people commented o n how than eight months. 1 could easily skip one else showed up at

I got into Atlanta quite late and me: I would drink that week. Not this it as she asked. Nearly shouting, 1 said stayed the night at a hotel near the air- moment and maybe not that day, but I to her, “I Don’t Drink!” That was the moment I knew I had port. N o time for a meeting there. I would have to drink sometime that I was shocked a t the sound of my said a real prayer that morning and the was tired, stressed out, and just plain week or I would go insane. The pain, voice. Apparently the young man next prayer had been answered by a Higher antsy. All I wanted was a shower, a the ache on the inside of me, was too to me was equally surprised by my re- Power. At that moment I came to becold drink, and to go to sleep. great to be tolerated without a drink. action. He looked at me and said, “I lieve in thc truest sctlse. I was not do- The hotel was beautiful, though – That was when I heard my own words don’t drink either.” This poor child, I ing i t alone mymore. 1 would never . with all the amenities. It was so up- spoken aloud: “God, please help me. I thought, he doesn’t understand. I de- have to do it alone again. scale that it didn’t have vending ma- can’t do it.” cided to set him straight and said, “I Somewhere lxtwecn the Atlanta and chines for guests. Instead, each room I didn’t consider these words a used to drink but found I was allergic nillas/Ft. Worth airports my prayer was had a mini-bar well stocked with prayer. They were only an expression to it.” He smiled and said, “1 have the truly answered. My new friend said liquor and mixers. Since room service of my desperation and nothing more. smle allergy” everything I needed t o hear. I, a fortyhad already closed, I had only the Rut I no longer said, “I can do this.” 1 So I asked him if he was a friend of four-year-oldbusiness executive, listened mini-bar as a source of a soda, unless I finally knew that I could not. Rill W. And indeed, he was. to the suggestions of a twenty-two-yearwanted to go to the lobby bar. “No!” I I took my seat in the first class cab- This young college student had an old college student without questioning. said to the empty room. I would not be in of the plane less than two hours lat- astounding two years of sobriety. Sud- He told me that God always answers the tempted. I went down to the front denly, the walls were gone. We didn’t prayers of the desperate, and that a coer. I like flying first class. The seats are incidence such as our meeting was God’s desk and turned in my key to the bar. I wider, the meals better – and the stop talking until we reached Dallas/Ft. drank tap water all night and fostered Worth, his destination. He knew what way of maintaining his anonymity. drinks are free. The flight attendant yet another resentment. After all, if it offered me a drink even as I took my I was going through. In fact, he seemed I followed my friend’s suggestions. weren’t for my disease, I would have Every one of them.. And while I was in seat. “Coffee,” l responded. Every time I to know much more about me than 1 been able to unlock that bar and take she asked me about a drink 1 ordered San Jose 1 went to some of the best told him. It was as though he could see meetings I’ve ever attended anywhere. I a soda at least. either coffee or a scda. my soul and all its pain. He asked if I was even asked to share my story at a re- Sleep, like serenity, eluded me. My There were seven other people in was working the Steps and I told him I covery ranch in the mountains. room was on the second floor, directly the first-class cabin with me. I was on Step Two. He asked me if I had over the piano bar. 1 lay in bed listen- watched each one intently. The only prayed for help during the week. In a few days, I’ll have three years of continuous sobriety. I’ve been living ing to everything going on below me one who did not order alcohol was a T h a t was when I considered the – the piano, the laughter, the clink- young man maybe twenty-two years possibility that I had said a prayer that differently since August 1990. I n o ing glasses. I could hear ice cubes as longer just act as if, though there are old sitting next to me. I pretended to morning. God, please help me. 1 can’t they clinked together in a glass. 1 knew do it. But I didn’t tell him about it – times it seems necessary. I’ve learned read a book (my way of isolating on an everyone down there was having a that a year of sobriety takes 365 days to airplane) until the brunch service was yet. He told me that he’d just gone great time. I now needed, really need- complete. I’ve learned that what you completed. The couple in front of me through a “curious” morning. He’d ed, a drink. My hands trembled at the have is on the inside – and I want had Mimosas, the man across the aisle been scheduled out of Atlanta o n a thought. what you have. I’ve learned that even had a Screwdriver, his seatmate had a flight some two hours earlier than the Somehow, I made it through the unintentional prayers will be answered. Bloody Mary. I kept an inventory for one we were on. It had been oversleepless night without a drink. In the each of them. booked and he was bumped to the And, most important for me, I’ve morning it was time to be off to the Suddenly the flight attendant was next available flight. His consolation leamed to look for the miracles – the aiqxm. I had just finished closing my asking if I would like some Kahlua in prize for the delay was an upgrade to little coincidences -that let me know suitcase when the knowledge came to my coffee – even beginning to pour first class. Bumped and put o n the he is with me on this journey. plane right next to me. Linda H. , Miami, Flu.

January 1995

1 Knock, knock did one of those police procedures From Madison, Wisc. : where you throw all your weight into your shoulder. I went sailing D u r i n g my last drinking binge, I through the air and landed fifteen received a note one day in my feet deep into the pitch black apartapartment mailbox. It read: “If you ment. It was totally empty. don’t turn your music down, 1 will Someone had called 91 1, howevkick your butt all over the street.” er, and I was arrested as soon as 1 By the time seven o’clock that walked out of the apartment. evening rolled around, I had had The point of this story is the disquite a few and decided to find out covery for me of the main reason 1 who wrote the unsigned note. ever drank in the first place: power. I was so drunk 1 knocked on No matter how stupid 1 might have nearly every door of my 40-unit looked in that incident in my apartcomplex. I finally felt sure that I ment building, for a brief moment I had reached the right door, as I felt like Superman. thought 1 heard noises and a hand But now, with the help of AA, 1 turning the knob of the locked understand and accept that I am door. powerless over the very thing which I’ve studied martial arts and am 1 thought could bring me power. an ex-boxer, so it was a breeze for And that brings serenity, that wonme to knock the door down. I derful antidote to power. kicked five times to loosen it, then Craig C.

February 1995

they have experienced the inability to spiritual lines -one day at a time. He control their drinking just as I did. But also seemed to know that his defense it seems that they d o not also suffer had to come from a power outside of from the hopelessness of alcoholism as himself. others of us have experienced it. Sim- Today, I have experienced the grace ply put, they decided to stop drinking of God and through taking the Twelve – and could! Among them there is a Steps as outlined in our basic text, 1 variety of ways and means that they use haven’t been strangely insane and to stay away from the first drink. without a defense against the first drink Whether they come to AA or not, my for several years. For me, who used to I hat is off to them. be the kind of guy who simply couldn’t Bill W. used to say that the concept make it through the day without tak- l

“I I am not a reformed alcoholic. cided to again embrace a n idea that No, today I am an infonned al- had come to me even before AA: of “one day at a time” was his favorite. ing a drink, that’s a miracle of healing coholic.” I was new in A A “Don’t take the first drink!” He explained how relieved he was to beyond description or understanding. when I heard this statement. It puzzled Yet a few months later, o n New learn that it is possible to grow along Anonymous, Elkhart, Ind. me, at the time, but now 1 can see that Year’s Eve, I took a drink. I was baffled! becoming informed about my condi- Why did I do that? I was in a familiar tion was important to my recovery. place for a good reason and it was the During my drinking, I sometimes last place 1 would have expected to be stared at the bottle and wondered to confronted with alcohol. But when a myself, “Just what is this stuff? Why man I’d known for years offered me a does it take over my life? Why d o I thimble-full, I simply could not say no. drink more than I mean to?” Unable to Frightened beyond description and answer, I would continue to drink. determined to find out why I drank, I At one of my first A A meetings, I began to dig harder into our Book. A heard, “One is too many and a thou- line on page thirty-four jumped out at sand aren’t enough.” I recognized that me: “This is the baffling feature of alexperience as my own, but didn’t un- coholism as we know it – this utter cferstand it. Then 1 was told about the inability to leave it alone, n o matter physical allergy and the idea that “the how great the necessity or the wish.” drink takes a drink.” This drove it all home to me. Slowly, I was becoming informed. I also read, “The fact is that most al- Now I understood that during my coholics . .. have lost the power of drinking the physical allergy to alcohol choice . . . We are without defense l ~ a dmanifested itself and made it vir- against the first drink.” But just knowtually impossible for me to control how ing that wasn’t enough; self-knowledge much I drank. I had been ignorant didn’t prove to be the solution to my about the physical allergy of alco- problem. The Steps did. holism. Enlightened about that, I de- I have many friends today who say

February 1995

‘I turned my back onAA’ From Waterloo, Neb.:

S e v e n years into the program of Al- Twelve years into my sobriety I coholics Anonymous I thought I had took another drink. A drink that my problem licked. AA meetings had been just around the comer for were no longer necessary as I filled several years. A drink that led to two my hours with community service months of hell as I found myself in and spending time with my family. worse condition than when 1 had My job was fulfilling and I excelled. I quit so many years before. had it all . . .many acquaintances, It has taken several months of self-esteem, a marriage that stayed struggling to find the AA program in together, my first child on the way, my heart again. I consider myself exand of course I was sober. Or so I tremely fortunate to have found my thought. What I didn’t see were the way back . . . to have had so many things I allowed to fall by the way- outstretched hands that were extenside. My Higher Power became less sions of voices saying, “It’s okay. You and less important until I no longer turned your back on AA but it is felt his presence in my life. The prin- still here for you. Welcome back.” ciples of the program were lost in Nine months into my ncwfound day-to-day activities that seemed sobriety, I have gained a world of more important. Meditation was a knowledge, a host of true friends, distant pastime and friends were too and a sobriety that 1 thank my Highhard to work for. er Power for several times a day. Seven years into my sobriety I Today, I am thankful for a second turned my back on AA and all it chance. had done for me. The next few years Denise L. were “white-knuckle” years and, in looking back, I see they were some of the worst years of my life.

April 1.995

back into A A exactly where 1 had left These past eighteen months haven’t Beginners off – having emotions that I didn’t been all rosy. I’ve been ill a lot, I have know existed and memory flashbacks financial worries, and some of my feel- Meeting on top of the guilt and remorse of get- ings are still nameless. However, 1 reting drunk again. Meanwhile, my tle- member my last drink, the hospital stay fects of gnndiosity, ego, and pride came where I was wired to a machine that . out in the form of fear and insecurity. babysat me twenty-four hours a day How could I talk about those feelings? for five long days. While on that ma- No – that Fifth Step was too hard! chine, I had an inspirational thought: S o I drank again. “If I cannot die suc-

– This time I nearly died. cessfully, 1 must learn I 1 had a heart attack. — , to live successfully.” Three Strikes I’ve been sober eighteen months this time. I’ve turned That was the changeover point for me. Now my Higher Instead of neatly avoid- my guilt and ing the defects that caused me t o relapse, Power and 1 have a good working relationand ren3orSe ship. I still have physi- You’re In! I’m openly facing them. I’ve turned my guilt and remorse into into cal, emotional, and spiritual situations gratitude that I have fi- which cause me pain nally hit bottom. gratitude and uncomfortability.

T he harsh reality of my sobriety from reaching out for help in other T h e desire to drink Nevertheless, I’m is that I’ve relapsed a couple of areas of my life. has been reduced to an grateful to be alive and times. Now, on my third entry Oh, my faqade was excellent; I was occasional thought (a to be capable of feeling into AA, after a lot of soul searching, “Miss AA.” I knew everything there reminder that I’m a re- and doing positive I’m more connected with my Higher was to know about AA and life in gen- covering drunk). My experience of re- things in my life. Power and the AA program than ever eral. I became, prematurely, the “bleed- lapse has extended my story, so when I In hindsight, my relapses were a heforc. 1 am now able to look at my ing deacon” the Traditions warn us share my experience, strength, and blessing in disguise – though not one past and not regret it. about. I didn’t realize I was entering hope, I can help those people who are I would wish for anyone. To those who When I first came to AA, I hadn’t into the second phase of my sobriety – thinking of going back out. are thinking of “testing the waters” out “hit hotto~n.”(I now believe this to be that of inner growth – and I didn’t The first time in AA was definitely there, please consider that I’ve done it 311 csxnti;~lstart to the AA path of rc- know that 1 needed people to help me a gift. The second and third times hurt. for you. I’ve heard fellow AA members covcry.) I knew my liic w.1.s llrlrlli3rlitge~ with the Steps, the Rig Rcwk, and the c However, everything can be turned say, “It is a clever man who learns from i~hlchut I woul~ln’taccept thc fact thilt Traditions. I could do everything my- around with faith and trust. Everything his mistakes; it is a wise man who i~lcoholwas thc cmtributing factor. Af- self! Needless to say, I drank. – thoughts, feelings, and actions – learns from the mistakes of other peorcr some time, my outward life changed My second entry into A A was have a negative and positive side. All ~ l e . “I’m the clever person – you can cmsiderably, but my grandiosity took through detox and rehab, then meet- I need t o d o is find the positive, act be the wise one. over, and my pride and ego kept me ings. I was humbled and scared. 1 came with a positive attitude, and grow. Claire S ., Valley Stream, N .Y.

1 7 could taste it’ From Milwaukee, Wisc.: the suggestion to call your sponsor before you drink. I am grateful for I’ve been sober five years. I’ve been the Big Book. The only passage going to meetings, working with from the book that came to my other alcoholics, reading the Big mind was that we have no effective Book, and growing in my spiritual mental defense against the first life. But I’d forgotten that alcohol is drink -help must come fiom a cunning, baffling, and powerful. Just Higher Power. the other day, I almost drank. The This design for living works. Toliquor was in my hand, ready to go day I stand -with another day of down my throat. 1 could taste it. My sobriety – knowing that help arbody was shaking with the thought rived. 1 poured the bottle of vanilla of drinking. down the toilet. I talked with an I had just gotten through Thanks- old-timer after this happened. He giving Day. Spiritually I was at a said that meetings, sponsors, the Big high point. I was baking in the Bwk, and all the other AA tools kitchen. I looked in the cupboard are only instruments for sobriety and came across a bottle of vanilla God does the work, if we ask for extract. My mind started playing the help. olcl tqws -one won’t hurt, it’s not I am truly grateful that God was r c d y alcohol, no onc will know, there when I needed it. Together id SO on. we conyered another twenty-four I am grateful for the many meet- hours of sobriety. ings I’ve attended. I am grateful for Sally G. 1

April P* ‘ < AA Grapevine

I’ve had a face lift and I’m beautiful Denial. The same denial that caused again. Please, can’t we get together and her to leave a thirty-day clinic treattalk!” And because 1 never could say ment program in two weeks, to sneer at no to this crazy, charming lady who AA groups as a “bunch of losers” and had brought both heaven and hell to yawn through interventionsand meetmy life, I agreed to drive down from the ings with counselors. Bay Area and meet her at a motel in The rest of our reunion weekend was Carmel. pretty sad. We didn’t discuss it but we When Beth still hadn’t arrived by both knew it was the final chapter of seven, I decided to call the California our life together. Highway Patrol. I asked if they had any Three months later 1 had a call from record of a Beth “X” being involved in Beth’s daughter. Beth was dying of urean accident between Santa Barbara mic poisoning caused by liver failure and Carmel that afternoon, and iden- and wanted to talk to me. After a long tificd myself as her husband. Thc two- delay, she came on the phone, speakminute wait while the dispatcher ing slowly and with difficulty. checked seemed like an hour. She de- .. “Jim, I guess this is goodbye . the livered her news in a flat monotone: doctors tell me I’m not going to make “Yes, I have information on this it [Long pause]. If only 1 could live my woman. She was arrcsted for driving life over again, I’d never touch alcohol. whilc intoxicatcd in Santa Maria at Tell our friends that, will you? I love three-thirty this afternoon, and is right you.. . now in the city jail.” “Think of me and don’t drink. . .” The news left me with a hollow feel- Beth passed away the following ing in the pit of my stomach. Shocked morning. She was fifty-one. and crushed, 1 walked the streets until J.C.M., Reno, New. midnight and decided to leave for home early the next morning.

I t wassix P.M. and Beth was now al- confinements for detoxification, unmost four hours late. I was frantic successful interventions, and two suiand heartsick. Beth and I had di- cide attempts, I gave up and suggested vorced by mutual consent five months divorce. She agreed because she had earlier because of alcohol. Our ro- found a psychologist who told her 1 As I walked out of the motel the following morning, I heard a horn beep. There was Beth, parked across the street. She had driven all night after mance had been launched with vod- was the cause of her alcoholism. The her release from jail. When I told her I ka, but when booze became more of a financial settlement left her with over knew of her DWl, she merely shrugged. problem than a hobby, we decided to $100,000, and she took off to Santa “I was having trouble staying awake seek help and join AA. I stuck with Barbara to “start a ncw life.” and bccause I’d had one drink bcfore I the program; Beth didn’t. Finally, af- During the past month Beth had left, the cop thought I was drunk. ter Beth went through three years of phoned me repeatedly: “Jim, I’m sobcr. Don’t worry, Jim, I don’t have a probrehab clinics, continuing hospital 1 still love you and I want you back. lem with the sauce anymore.”

October J* ,

ment. I thought to myself, “Well, that I had always solved my problems alone, sure explains why I drink so much. I’m and I was going to fix my drinking an alcoholic!” I went home to tell my problem as I’d done everything else in wife that I’d found out I was an alco- my life – by myself. holic and that according to this psy- At that time 1 owned and operated, chiatrist, my problems would be solved along with a group of partners, a chain by just stopping drinking. of grocery, restaurant, and business cen- Well, she did back flips. She knew in ters in the area. My wife and I had two her heart of hearts and soul of souls beautiful children, owned a lovely that 1 was a drunk, but house on a hill overshe’d never had the tools looking Escondido, and to deal with the problem I drove a new Porsche. The final It Takes from her perspective. The doctor had recw e were the picture of respectability and sucommended that I go to ~ t rwa Was cess. All my friends, rel- What counseling and attend AA meetings. I went to counseling but found that atives, and associates didn’t know the self-imposed pain and agony I It Takes everyone in group therapy crazy. I didn’t think I was crazy so I refused to alcohol was putting myself through as 1 fought my obsession with alcohol go back. I went to my quit almost moment to mofirst A A meeting in ment and lost the battle

I n 1974 I went to my family doctor physically and thought that maybe there was something related to stress 1974 and sat there in day by day. in La Jolla to get my annual checkup. He asked if there was anything that might be causing the tremulous complete disgust listen- on me Within a relatively new that he needed to know about hands in the moming. ing to these phony peo- short time – actually me, and of course I lied and told him I 1 agreed to see the first psychiatrist ple talk about how much less than six months felt fine. (Constant anxiety, nervous in my life. Interestingly enough, after they loved one another from the time the docstomach, and hangovers were all nor- the first forty-five minutes of his session and how finding God and working the tor had informed me of my disease mal to me in 1974.) Then I thought he asked how much I drank. I answered “Steps” was the key to their salvation. I wound up totally lost, emotionally for a moment and realized that for the with the same lie that I’d used to re- , They had the audacity to hold hands and financially ruined, and with conpast few months every time I’d reach spond to everyone else who’d ever at the end of the meeting and say a stant thoughts of suicide. As things for a cup of coffee in the moming my asked me that question: I told him prayer. I didn’t like to hold hands; my went from bad to worse, my wife hands would shake pretty good. Could about half the truth. He told me that hands were always sweaty then and I couldn’t put up with me and my drinkhe explain what was happening? based on the information he had gath- didn’t want anyone to feel my anxiety. ing anymore so she left me, took the After a thorough physical examina- ered in our first session and the quan- More important, though, as a raving children, and divorced me less than a tion and further consultation, he asked tity of alcohol I was consuming, he atheist I wasn’t going to have anything year later. me if I’d ever seen a psychiatrist. He thought I might be an alcoholic. to do with these religious nuts. I went My obsession to control my drinking could find nothing wrong with me I remember laughing about his com- out that night and got good and drunk. problem had led me to the total des.

peration that only other alcoholics can coholics Anonymous. The principles t r u l y understand. For the next eight of the program, the Steps that I’d years, I sank further and further into a feared, the people who loved me until I way of living that was absolutely de- could learn to love myself, all of the grading. 1 attempted suicide, I spent meetings, sharing my recovery with time in prison, I wound up in mental people, and most of all, finding God – Imspitals, I lived a life of total and in- these have been the answer and keysane drunkenness, hoping each night stone to my recovery. that I wouldn’t wake up the next day. Other things are different in my life The final straw was that alcohol quit today. I have remarried to a beautiful on me. It didn’t work anymore, and the woman who is a regular member of the more I drank the crazier everything was Al-Anon program. Our marriage gctting. I was truly alone. which started off based on very sick be- Somehow I never did quite hit the havior has blossomed because of our restreets. My wonderful sister took me in spective growth in each of our for a while until finally she too couldn’t programs. I have learned, very slowly, put up with my drinking. After finding sometimes very painfully, to be intime drunk and hiding in one of her bed- mate and I have learned how to trust. room closets one afternoon, she asked My twenty-two-year-old stepson has me to get out and find some help for been a member of A A since January my problem. I entered the alcohol 1986 and I have developed a new and treatment program in the VA hospital wonderful relationship with my own in La Jolla in May 1982. children. Even my stepdaughter occa- I found hope in that hospital and I sionally tells me she loves me, and found people who understood. Most coming from an eighteen-year-old who important, I refound Alcoholics wimessed some of my relapses and slips, Anonymous. 1 wish I could say that I that is a minor miracle in my book. I remained continually sober from that have my own business again and it is date, but I fought this program as I’d successful. I have learned to trust God fought everything else in life. After a and take action and that has been an succession of relapses, I’m coming close integral part of the process of my ret i ) IIIY two-year anniversary of contin- covery. ~iousobriety after bouncing in and out I am totally grateful to the program .since 1982. It takes what it takes. of AA, the people in AA, and of What amazes me when I think back course to God for the grace that is pan ;~l~out my life is that I was an alcoholic of my life today. The only thing that 1 in 1974 and, in spite of heavy denial, I know for sure, the only thing that is knew I was. The only thing that is con- perfect in the world today, is AA. cretely different in my life today is Al- Me1 C ., San Diego, Calif.

March 1996

in flight. All you have to do is try to be ing didn’t make anything better in my Beginners courteous to other passengers, remain life. It only made everything worse.. seated, and keep quiet. I was a polite, Overcome with self-hatred, guilt, and I Meeting well-behaved drunk. I associated my anger, I called my sponsor. Her advice drinking experiences on airplanes as to me was to go straight to a meeting, pleasant, enjoyable ones. It was all which I did. This time I was convinced those other places where I had bad that I was an alcoholic. Mv life was un- 1 memories – getting manageabie and I was loud and obnoxious, willing to go to any causing a scene, embar- Imagine lengths to stay sober. rassing myself, saying But I still had to fly and doing things i something on airplanes. In fact, HOWNot would later regret. Therefore. after I so simple with just over thirty days of continuous sosobered up, one of the briety, l was faced with

to Drink on most difficult places for me not to drink was on an airplane. In fact, just as asking flying halfway around the world. Worse, I was going business class

Airplanes short of four months into the program, I ordered my first drink on someone not where the drinks would be free. I was really afraid. an airplane. Looking The first thing I did back at that slip, 1 now to serve you was identify my fear. I

A irplanes were always one of my favorite places to drink. You just sat back in your seat, relaxed, and drank. And what a beautiful view up there among the clouds. road for the trip to the airport, or darted into one of the airport bars for a quick one. So I had a pretty good head start. If there was a delay on the ground, 1 considered myself entitled if know that I hadn’t been working the program correctly. 1 thought I was doing it alcohol all myself; I didn’t need God’s help. talked about it to my sponsor. I also brought it up at meetings, where I received plenty of ‘

good advice. I prayed about-it to God, You could get high in more ways than drinks were handed out. O n certain Also, I hadn’t been willing to go to any asking him for the strength to help me one. And you didn’t have to worry flights 1 had fears that the airplane lengths to stay sober, mainly just through the flight. about driving. would crash, especially if we experi- changing my playground and play- Then I put together a flight survival The stewardesses were always friend- enced turbulence or flying through bad mates. kit. This consisted of my Big Book, ly, and sometimes the drinks were free. weather, so I drank to overcome those That slip was real important for me. Hazelden’s Twenty-Four Hours a Day, When flying, I was often escaping from fears. Between the drinks on the In less than two weeks, I was not only the Serenity Prayer printed on a small some person, place, or thing that had ground and the drinks in the air, I usu- back where I had left off, but in worse card, a Walkman with earphones and an brought me unhappiness, so that made ally was feeling pretty good. h p e . I’d heard some things in meet- extra set of batteries, a Big Book study me think 1 felt better too. 1 always thought 1 handled myself ings about how AA ruins your drink- on tape, an AA speaker on tape, my Most of the time, before I ever got well on airplanes. But let’s face it, there ing, that it was a progressive disease, thirty-day chip, two pens with a writing on the plane, 1 had had one for the isn’t too much trouble you can get into and now it was all coming true. Drink- pad, and my journal. Someone in a

meeting also suggested I get letters from water helped to fight dehydration. I also another member or two to tear open in- took advantage of the free food. O n flight if necessary. those long flights, fruit, snacks, and ice- After boarding the plane, I notified cream bars are kept on hand for those the first stewardess that came to my seat who want something after the meal serthat 1 wouldn’t care for any alcoholic vice. beverages. She smiled and complied. O n one leg of the journey, I had a This was a new concept for me. Imag- coupon to upgrade to first class. The exine something so simple as asking some- pensive champagne was flowing. The one not to serve you alcohol. However, man sitting next to me was drinking it this thought had eluded me o n prior down as fast as the stewardess would flights. (I understand it is not unusual to pour it. I began to feel a little uncomask if there are any friends of Bill W. fortable. So I plugged my Big Book study aboard. You never know; you may be tape into my Walkman, put my earcalled upon to help another alcoholic phones in, and closed my eyes. It was on board.) wonderful. I could picture a roomfill of During the flight, I stretched back in alcoholics, laughing. Their stories were my seat and thanked God for the beau- about me. I just smiled and listened. I tiful view that I could now appreciate was home free. sober, and I put the safety of the flight Since that time, I have made several into God’s hands so I didn’t have to overseas flights, and domestic flights as worry about it. 1 read first from my well, without any problems. Having T w – F o u r Hours a Day, then from my made sobriety the number-one priority other books. I took out my pen and pad in my life today, and having worked and and wrote a letter to another alcoholic. continuing to work AA’s Twelve Steps, I wrote down some thoughts in my 1 find that the desire to drink has,for the journal. I asked the stewardess for my most part, left me -even on airplanes! own bottle of water. Drinking a lot of Courmey G ., Singapore

August 1996

attending three meetings a week and The next morning, I called some peofinding happiness in sobriety. ple in my home group. They showed After two years of sobriety, I’d for- me a fellowship and friendship I’d nevgotten the pain of my last drunk. I’d er seen before. They weren’t angry and stopped listening at the one meeting a disappointed that 1 had gone back out; week I was attending. The Steps were they were just glad to see me back. something I’d already worked and I They accepted me with open arms (in didn’t continue to work them on a dai- fact they’ve accepted me at times when ly basis. I stopped asking God for help my family did not). They picked me up and 1 stopped thanking him for keep- and took me to meetings; they hugged ing me sober. I continued me and told me they to hang out with recover- loved me. I only hope 1 Starting 0ve1 ing people, but I wasn’t telling- ;hem how 1 was r m One of can be that kind of person someday. taking my sobriety for Today I know what I granted. I didn’t think the lucky want and that is to stay that after two years I’d sober and do what the pick up again. I believe ones that ~ e o p l ein AA tell me to now – after hearing- re- do. I thought I’d always feel angry and disaplapse stories and after relapsing myself – that I made i t pointed in myself, but I

A – . . member of my home group losing my family, 1 entered a treatment was setting myself up for thank God for taking me suggested I write my story for center for the third time because I’d the Grapevine. At the time I truly lost myself. I thought there was the very thing that 1 back down fast and hard, and for showing me once didn’t think would hapthought he was nuts, hecause I had just something that the treatment centers pen to me. I’d stopped do- again just how powerless had another relapse. 1 thought I was a were forgetting to teach me about Al- ing the things I had done 1 am over alcohol. four-time loser in the Fellowship of Al- coholics Anonymous. But as you peo- to stay sober and happy. I wasn’t treat- I’m doing ninety meetings in ninety . coholics Anonymous. Today I think ple knew, I wasn’t ready to listen. ing my disease of alcoholism. days, I’m asking God for help every that I’m one of the lucky ones who I left the third treatment center with So I went back out for one day. It morning (because 1 know I can’t do made it hack. I can thank my Higher a strong willingness to d o whatever wasn’t where I had left off two years this myself or get too confident), I call Power that he kept me coming hack. AA members told me to do. I went to and three months before; it was worse. recovering people every day, 1 read my ToJ;ty I tee1 like ;I winner. ninety meetings in ninety days, I got a Refore 1 entered my third treatment daily meditations, I’m starting over My firbt t\vo ittten~ptsat treiltment sponzor, I worked the Ttvelvc Steps to 1 program in 1992, after twenty ycitrs of with Step One, and I’m thanking Gcd i t d the AA progr;im w r e mide to get the hest of my i~bilityat the time. I 3 drinking, I had no desire to live. With- at the end of each day for my sobriety. people off lily hack. I wits ;I good liar titlkc~lto Gtxl evcry morning and ;akcul in that one day, the guilt anJ disap- I’m doing whitt the members of Alcoi t d i I gooci COII itrtkt : I I ~it workc~ltor him to help nlc s t q bohcr, itnd cvcry pointment 1 k l t were overwhelming. holics Anonymous tell mc to do, to ;I while, until I’J J o s o ~ ~ w t h i n g WCII night I thanked him for keeping me Again, I had no debire to live. I thank live one day at a time and t o never stop lower than the time before. After two sober. Then I chaired meetings and got my Higher Power for getting me home treating my disease of alcoholism. trcittlnent centers itn~lcoming close to involvecl in Tk~clfthStep work. I was hctore 1 acted on my willingness to die. Becky S . , Sunnyla~d,111.

August 1996

Old-Timers are willing to go to any length to get it until enough time has passed so that – then you are ready to take certain both sobriety and a relationship can be. Corner steps.” My sponsor asked me, “If I handled? My sponsor told me that “an asked you to go out into the middle of alcoholic can’t handle two things at the street stark naked and stand on one time.” He told me to adopt an atyour head, would you do it!” 1 said yes titude of gratitude and that if I were because I was that sick and wanted pateful I couldn’t be angry because I that badly to stay in wasn’t capable of havthe Fellowship. ing two thoughts at My sponsor told No one told once. Too tough, you me to stay ninety days say? Well, that was and then if I didn’t what 1 needed. And if like it, he’d “gladly reme AA was someone had tried to fund my misery.” I give me an “AA

Back – was told to “take the cotton out of my ears and stick it in my mouth,” and I wasn’t going to give me anything hug,” I would have hit him because to me, at that time, mcn just didn’t d o that.

If You C a n allowed to talk for the first thirty days. Now people are asked to but a daily Hugging is something I’m able to do now but only to those who share in their first are close to me. thirty minutes! (Per- reprieve – if I I believe the way I

“I t’s okay to go out and come back.” How many times have 1 heard that in the past few years? Why not say, “If you do go out, please Now we hear, “Tell us how you feel.” But we know how you feel! Sick, lonely, angry, skin crawling, shaking so bad you can’t hold a cup of coffee! Oops, I haps this way we don’t have to take them for a cup of coffee or get onc-on-one did certain wits taught is as right today as it was the day 1 came to AA. 1 learned that total abcome hack – if you can.” I continually hear, “You shouldn’t tell people that forgot that these days by the time they come to us they’ve had time to dry out with them to hear things stinence yas the only sure way I wouldn’t their stories and try to they might not he able to lnakc it back if they J o go out.” Have we gotten so and the shakes aren’t as bad as thev . help.). I was also told get drunk. Today I used to be. that “we talk recovery here and you find myself having to remind people \vircd into politeness that we may he Now I hear, “What is AA going to don’t know anything shout recovery.” that the new “nonalcoholic” drinks billing some pcoplc who were like I was give me!” No one told me AA was go- When I was finally asked to chair a have .05 percent illcohol and that if in the beginning? ing to give me anything but a daily re- meeting, I prepared for a week, then you have only two to four in a day, When I cilnw into AA, nobody prieve – if I did certain things. And I threw out my suhject and talked about you’ve had the equivalent of one or ti~lkedabout their “drug of choice.” wasn’t told 1 coulJ do this thing any the one thing I knew ahout – fear. two alcoholic drinks. Some h w e told They were there to help me if I h d a way I wanted t o do it. There is a phrdse Have we become so interested in me that they only drink them because prohlem with ;~lcohol.And I was the in the Rig Rtwk that says, “If you have “relationships” that we’ve forgotten the they “like the taste.” So do I, and when only one to tilakc thi~tdecision. dcciJcd you want what we have and suggestion that there shoulJn’t he any I kink something that tastes like alco-

hot, soon I will want the effect as well, and then it will be too late. I’ve been told that believing this way borders on having a bleeding deacon mentality. Why? Have the places where alcohol takes us changed? Have we anyplace to go other than total sobriety, institutions (hospitals, asylums, prisons), or death? If I try to change much during the years that we now what was given to me, am I helping or have more than one in thirty-five am I hurting? coming to AA and staying? Seeing My sponsor told me that my sobri- people come and go, I realize that ety is my responsibility and I’d have to more go and don’t come back than work to find a new way of life. Today stay. Is it different today? Doesn’t God I hear too often “Just don’t drink and still put us with the ones we need to everything will be all right.” Don’t the be with for them to attain and for us Promises still come after Step Nine in to sustain sobriety? I still believe that the Rig Book? Don’t I have to work “tough love” will work when a life is the first Nine Steps to get there? 1 my- falling apart. self guarantee that the Promises will If you don’t believe in the things I come true but only if you do certain was told and taught, then by all means things – like change your whole do it your way. If you don’t believe in damn life, just as I was told. “tough love,” that’s okay. Everyone has While I realize that we have to love that constitutional right. Feel free to new people, should we love them to exercise yours. cleath? Have the statistics changed so Bill F., Fountain, Cob.

M y Worst Day Sober

NO EXCUSE TO DRINK there were others ahead of me to light the way, just like with my sobriety. It’s now been eight months since my mastectomy. I was out of work for sevduring the darkest hours to give me courage and strength when no human power could. 1 was even asked to lead a Step series of meetings to share my en months while having four surgeries experience, strength, and hope on the and five months of chemotherapy. The Steps. This helped greatly in keeping Fellowship, God, and the Steps did tru- me focused on the solution and out of ly carry me. People brought meetings myself. Instead of letting go of my ‘ to my house or drove me to them when sponsees, I actually started sponsoring I was unable to drive so 1 was usually two more women. It gave me tremenable to make a minimum of three dous joy to know I could help and inmeetings a week, no matter how sick I spire others even during my own trying was. Fellow members loved me even times. trate on me. I still can’t believe how when all my hair fell out and I lost fif- I’m happy to report my sobriety date

0 ne frightful summer day at the beginning of June 1995 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I equated cancer with death and felt that at thirty-seven years of age, I was quickly my thinking became stinking, even with seven years of sobriety. A Higher Power must have been looking out for me, realizing that this teen pounds. Sponsees brought me groceries, made my bed, and held my hand. I’ve never felt so loved in all my life. remains the same. I found that even dealing with “the big C’ was no excuse to drink. I now know what they mean when they say, “There are no big too young to die. Fearful thoughts was too big for me to deal with ;ilone. The God that I came to believe in deals.” ‘

raced through my head. The commit- My sponsor called me. It seems my while reading the Big Book was there Debbie B., Hollywood, Flu. tee was in full force and it wouldn’t mother had been concerned and called give me any peace. My body felt as her. We talked and cried for a long tight as a rubber band stretched to the time. She suggested I call her sponso! breaking point. who, as it turns out, had had the same The doctor said I’d need a mastecto- surgery and chemotherapy about

\ my and probably chemotherapy afterwards. I listened to him relate my prognosis to my family and all at once I eleven years before. She had six years of sobrietyat the time and told me how she had coped. She suggested that I decided 1couldn’t cope with this news. stay close to meetings, share about I needed a drink and some Valium fast what was going on, and not let go of (even though I’ve never had any Vali- any sponsees because they would turn um in my life). These circumstances out to be a blessing. She told me that justified chemical relief and I said as as long as I stayed closed to God, the much to my mother. I decided that Fellowship, and the Twelve Steps, I’d dealing with cancer was a big deal and be just fine. She gave me hopc, the that my sobriety was going to have to same kind of hopc AA members gave take a back seat for a while. I also said 1 me when 1 first tried to stop drinking. was going to let go of all of the women All of a sudden, I knew in my heart I 1 was sponsoring, so 1 could concen- didn’t have to do this alone and that

November 1996

home from work one day with a better, they got me a job and a room – Old-Timers heitditche and the doctor who came to they were very good to me. the house said he had a cerebral hem- This new job was easier than the Corner orrhage and that he wouldn’t last the warehouse. There were a lot of girls night. O n hearing this, my stcpmoth- there and one used to share her lunch er dropped dead right there on the with me. I didn’t know anything about spot, and my father died during the mything, I didn’t even get educated, night. I don’t know where they’re but she was very kind and nice to me. buried. We became very close and she invited My sister and one brother went to me to her parent’s home in Lynn for California, and the others were taken Sunday dinner. Her folks picked me up in by other families. Perhaps because I at the train station, and I had the most was the oldest – I was fourteen then wonderful time. I saw more food that M y Name I s John – I wound up o n the street. I didn’t know what t o do. I was completely day than I’d ever seen in my life. I really enjoyed myself. Her mother took lost. me aside and wanted to know all about and I’m 1 drifted toward the center of town, near the Somerville Highway Departmy background and after hearing what I had t o say, basically told me that I ment. In those days they separated the wasn’t good enough for her daughter. I Alcoholic trash from the papers, so I crawled into one of the paper wagons and cried mywas very hurt; I felt awful. They wanted t o give me a ride back to the train self to sleep. T h e next morning I went station and I refused. On the walk to . to a restaurant in Somerville Square the station, I thought, “What a life. I and said t o the guy, “I’m hungry, I’d lost my mother, I lost my stepmother

I was born eighty-six years ago in a the house and he always went the hard tough neighborhood known as the way. They’d beat the life out of him like to eat.” He fed me, and after hear- and my father, 1 lost my brothers and Brick Bottom section of Somerville, and my mother used to jump in and ing what had happened to me, he let sister, and something good came into I nie sleep that night in his restaurant. my life and now I’ve lost that too.” Massachusetts. We were very poor. 1 say “You’re hurting him.” 1 could never had a wonderful mother, four little figure that out. T h e next day he got me a job in a 1 quit the job. I couldn’t face that brothers, and a little sister. We were My mother didn’t last very long; she hitrdware store. They had a big ware- girl. I was seventeen years old now and died in her early thirties. 1 never saw a house ;ind I loaded trucks with nails, 1 got a job as an iron worker in conhorn one right after the other; we were just like steps. My mother would say to big, strong man like my father cry so roofing materials, and other hardware struction. Soon after I started working, us, “Your father’s a gtxd m;in when he’s much. He really went to pieces itnd goods. I made my home in that ware- we all went out to a bar for lunch. not drinking.” My f;ither was it rugged, then 1 knew that he l o v d my mother, IIOII~C. I IISL’J to see little kids outside They ordered drinks and I ordered pcwerful drinker; he was really trouhle. and todity 1 know that he was an alco- rding their bicycles and I knew there what they ordered -a shot and a beer. When he’d come home on one of his holic. He did the best h e could; h e had to be something different from the I’d never had a drink up to that point; binges, I’d take my little brothers and calmed down and he took care of us as kind of a life I was leading. I wasn’t eat- I’d never tasted booze. T h a t boilermy sister upstairs t o t h e attic until best h e could. H e remarried and our ing right or living right. 1 lasted there maker straightened me right out; 1 felt everything quieted down. It used t o life began t o get pretty good, but it for two years and I got real sick and so good that I Jidn’t care what haptake four or five cops to get him out of didn’t last too long. My father came cnclcd up in the hospital. After I got pened. It made me feel like I was part

of something. I went hack to work and portant role in helping me join AA. much about it. In those days we took into a blackout and got arrested that it was always in my mind about getting. When World War II started, I was pledges. We’d go to a priest, say a few night. Soon afterwards, I lost my job, I another drink. I didn’t drink all the back doing iron work, and my business prayers, and promise we wouldn’t drink lost my wife, I lost the kids, 1 sold the time, but I was always thinking about was good. I was away from home a lot again. That didn’t work too well. car, I got put out of where I was stayit. I wanted to get that freedom feeling. and my drinking picked up; 1 was I went to my first A A meeting in ing, and ended up in the South End of I was making more money than I’d drinking every day. I came home on 1945. Here were old men, guys who Boston. ever made. I bought il little car m c l I the weekends and 1 drank. 1 tried to came out of the nuthouses; they all had AA became like a memory; it went was doing fine. T h e n this little girl come home without drinking but it forty-pound noses. There were n o right out of my head. I ended up in . from Lynn looked me up; she tracked never worked. I just couldn’t not drink. women. 1 went home and said to my Blackstone Park, which was full of me down. I tolJ her that she’d be in My wife was one of those ladies who wife, “You don’t expect me to go down winos just like me. By now nothing extrouble, that her mother didn’t like me, couldn’t tolerate booze. S h e started there. They’re alcoholics, they need it. cept wine would stay down. I stole and she said, “Let’s get married.” “Mar- giving me ultimatums; then she put re- I’m not like them.” nickels and dimes off the newspapers ried,” I said, “how do you do that?” I strictions on me. She’d say, “We’ve got I continued to drink and things got along Washington Street, enough to knew nothing about any of that. But four little children and you’re not go- sc) rough that in 1946 1 went back to buy a pint of wine and get back to the we got into my car, drove over to New ing to be coming home drinking.” AA and I got sober. I still didn’t believe ark and drink again. I used to sit on Hampshire, and were married by the Things got tough. There was plenty of that I was an alcoholic, but my life was that park bench and cry my eyes out. I justice of the peace. As sure as I’m sit- trouble between me and my wife; in getting better. I had four little girls, knew 1 had a wife and kids, 1 knew my ting here, 1 thought she was supposed fact I was arrested about twenty-five or and in 1949 a little boy came along, wife was breaking her back taking care to go home afterwards. But she said, thirty times just trying to get into my and life was good. I was a foreman now. of the kids, and here 1 was in Black- “No, I’m supposed to live with you.” own house. We bought a big house, we both had stone Park. 1 tried to stop drinking and (That was sixty-seven years ago and My wife saw an ad in the Lynn cars, and we were getting along fine. I just couldn’t stop. 1 didn’t have the we’re still married.) newspaper that said, “If you drink and Time went on, I was doing a big job power to choose to stop. Every time I We settled in Lynn near her parents want to, that’s your business. If you in Winoosky, Vermont. Being an iron tried to stop, I went into a seizure, and – that was a mistake. But we were drink and can’t stop, that’s our busi- worker, I always had to go away to they had to take me to the old Washgoing along pretty good, and the De- ness.” She called the number, and up make a living. It was the Fourth of July, ingtonian. Because of the seizures 1 was pression came along. I got a job a t to my house came this guy 1 used to 1955.1 used to fly home on weekends, convinced that I couldn’t live without Sears Roebuck changing tires. There drink with – Vassa S. Another guy hut this weekend I decided to stay in drinking. was a little bicycle shop next door was with him. They were sober, and Vermont. I called my wife and told her I was always trying to make up my owned by Vassa S., and boy, did this they told me 1 had an illness, that I was that I was going to go across Lake mind to try to go to work and help my guy drink – he’d drink anything. I sick, but I couldn’t buy that. They told (:hamplain and relax on the txach. On wife, and I just couldn’t do it. Once I drank with him. 1 used to swipe bicy- me about their own drinking, how sick the way to the ferry, I heard music went down to the union hall and they cle tires from Sears, bring them t o they were, and how they recovered. coming tiom behind a stockade fence. I sent me to Maine. I was working at a him, and he’d sell them. “Wait,” he’d They invited me to the meeting that opened the gate, ; ~ n dthere was the power plant, and we had a lot of say, “1’11 get some booze.” We’d go Vassa started in 1944 at 10 City Hall i\mericiin Legion, having a hig bash. booze. When we ran out, an engineer across the street and come back with a Square. But 1 couldn’t accept the fact T’l~c ~ redly bending their elbows. said if we fired up the locomotive, were whiskey bottle filled with Bay Rum that I was an alcoholic. We drank on They were Jrinking beer, and the he’d take us to get some more. So we shaving lotion. “This tastes funny,” I’J the job, I worked everyday, and I 111ou~ht crosseJ my minJ that I cedi stole ;I logging tri~inand drove it ten remark. “That’s gtx)J stufi, John, drink couldn’t see that I had a problem. AA II.I\T c,ne l u x . Evcntwlly, hii it one or fifteen miles to get more booze! It it,” he’d reply. Later he played an irn- was very young then and I didn’t think Iwer ttx,k me right to the skicis. I \ \ w ~ t was a very serious offense, and we

14′ A

*,?

1 went to prison in Thomaston, Maine. hack and get some paper and an enve- day someone put a few pennies in my He put a cot down next to the boiler. Later, coming out of prison, I didn!t lope.” Instead he called the cops. The friend’s hat, and he called the guy He didn’t like me but he didn’t want have anyplace to go, and I wound up cops came and they put me in the nut- cheap. That was the end of posing as me to freeze to death either. One night on the Penohscot Indim Reservation. house. I fought them. As weak as 1 was, priests. The cops came and put us out I was lying on the cot – the room hid My middle nilme wiis trouhle. I got in 1 didn’t want to go to the nuthouse. 0i town. Trouble, trouble, tn>uble,al- ;I hare light hulb – and the light bulb trouhle there, got my leg broke, and got When I got there they shot me with wi~ystrouhle. was getting bigger and bigger. I thought stabbed, then got something, and I be- V~is guy wanted to go home. I want- it was going to go off like a bomb. I put off the reservation with a cast and … and the came very calm and peaceful. Eventually 1 ed to go home too because I felt I knew I needed a drink bad, and I went tli~ln’thave much longer to live. He got downtown and hought a jug of wine, a crutch. Getting liked it there. 1 was back t o t h e South thought crossed eating and sleeping, me ii ticket to Lynn, Massachusetts. thinking that I woultl go off to a side When I got there, I didn’t have any- road and chug-a-lug the wine. I hoped End of Boston from and I had a roof over where to go. 1 was restrained from my it would kill me. Maine is a story in my mind that my head. T h e pa- Iwuse, but I had a brother-in-law who 1 got the jug, went off on the side itself. I’d go t o a tients were really was taking care of an apartment build- road and drank the wine, and came to church, beg for a meal, get a scrip to I could have nuts, too. This wasn’t a n alcoholic ward, ing, and he let me sleep in the cellar. in the morning lying o n the grass. I

sleep for a night at this was a nut ward. t h e YMCA, and one beer. But 1 didn’t care. drink in between. W h e n the time You know when Eventually came for me to leave you’re a drunk, no- the nuthouse, I really body wants to look at you. It’s an awful that one beer didn’t want to leave; I didn’t have anyexistence. Finally, 1 place t o go. By this wound up again in took me right t o time I was in my Blackstone Park in fifties. I met up with the South End. the skids. a young guy half my 1 tried once more age who was a con t o go t o work so 1 man. H e said. “I went down t o New York. I never know where we can go, John. There’s should have done that; I was tcw sick. I a place near here, they call it the Holy went iiown there and didn’t even last Mountain. It’s the Christopher’s Home one day at work. I tlccidcd I was going for Homeless Men. We went there iinil to commit suicide. I went to the Salva- it wiis fine. We got cleaned up, but we tion Army and told the person sitting coulcln’t drink there. This guy got the at the desk that I was going to kill my- idea that we could steal collars and self. I asked him if he’d write my wife ;I vestments, go downtown, and pass the letter so she’J know that I was ilciiii. h ; ~ t-; i d thi~t’swh;it we did. We were H e said, “Okay, just let me go in the collecting money like crazy until one

4. Peard music. “That’s it,” 1 thought, “I’m gone, my feet were swollen, and my the wreckage of the past. could try to stay warm. A t Rridgewagoing nuts.” I got up, followed the mu- head was full of sores. His name was A1 A few days later I was in a meeting ter there arc graves; they have headsic. and came to a l~ttlechurch. There and h e took me home with him. 1 m c l I ~Ieci~led to get someone to talk to. stones without names. 1 didn’t want were some little ki& running around couldn’t believe it. He cleaned me up After the meeting, I saw a n active any more of that. with palms ;in~lI realized it was P i h and he wanted to put me in Mt. Pleas- clrunk that I knew; h e wiis gonzo. I O n e of my J;iughtcrs was an alco- Sunday. I went into the chtrrc1.r and fcw ant dctc)x, but I didn’t think I ccwlcl I x ~ ~ g;il ~fifth of winc, tm)k him over holic ;inti she couldn’t stop drinking. the first time in years 1 asked God for stop drinking. I was convinced that if to ;i pirk bench, ant1 s;iici, “Look, sit She was in one detox after mother. I help. “Let me live or let me die,” I they put me in a room somewhere and clown, I’m going to give you this jug. was sitting with her o n her bed one prayed. I got up, went outside, and closed the door, I would die. S o I re- X)u can clrink it hut you’re going to lis- night and she put her arms around me stood on the sidewalk. That was Palm fused to go to the detox, but he got me ten to IW. Tile rninutc you walk away and said, “I)addy, why can’t I stop Sunday 1966 and 1 haven’t had a drink medical attention. I’ll never forget the I’m taking the jug.” I did my Fifth Step drinking?” S h e had an alcoholic since. T h e grace of God had entered doctor’s name – Dr. O’Rrien – h e with him and 1got out all that garbage. seizure and died in my arms. It was awmy life, but I didn’t know it at the time. was very good to me. I had a leg that I unloaded stuff with him I never ful. I didn’t know what to do. She had 1 was standing on the sidewalk, won- was in real bad shape and he sent me thought I’d tell anyone. When I got a little boy, and my wife and I raised dering where I was going to get a drink, into Boston for treatment; it’s not very through, he finished the jug, and I just the b y . You never get over something and 1 remembered that my good today either, but it’s all right. If I’d put him on the bench and walked off. I like that.

II mother-in-law, who was continued to drink, I’d have lost the felt better after that; I felt good. Later My son went to Vietnam and when now in her nineties, was in leg. 1 don’t know why I’m living today. 1 teamed up with Joe H. from Malden he came back he was into everything a nursing home nearby. 1 look back on my life and it scares me. and he really helped me with the Steps. – drugs, booze – but he seemed t o “Maybe she’ll give me a 1 stayed with Al; he did everything I continued to go to meetings with survive for a time. He went to college few bucks,” I thought. She for me. We went to meetings together Al, and when I was eight years sober, under the GI Bill and got a degree in I remembered me and said for months. H e sat me right beside I she’d give me ten dollars if I went to an A A meeting. him. He belonged to the Green Street Group and we went on commitments he made an appointment for me to talk with my wife, ant1 I returned home afbusiness administration. But he’d avoid me, and then 1 knew he was drinking. ter being gone seventeen years. 1 had a He graduated and got a good job, but I ; “Where’s the A A meet- togetl!er. 1 began to get well; I began to lot of trouble with the kids, but my wife could see how he was drinking. He got ing?” I said. “Right next get back into reality. took me back. Two of my daughters fired from one job after another. Finaldoor t o this nursing I was still on a restraining order, and were pretty gcwd, but the youngest one ly, his wife divorced him and he wound home,” she replied. I kept I would watch my kids from a distance. ha1 lots of resentment and anger. up on the street. I ttmk him home with my end of the bargain and I wanted to put my arms around them 1113through ten years being sober me and I started putting him into inwent there. and hug them. Finally I told him, was very, very difficult, hut 1 didn’t stitutions and VA hospitals. 1 struggled W h e n I entered the “Hey, Al, it’s no use. My kids are gone, \\.ant to go back to where I came from. like crazy with him. I put him in a VA r a m , a guy came over and I can’t work, I’ve got a bad leg, my 1 J i h ‘ t want to clrink – I just couldn’t hospital around Thanksgiving time. I put his arm around my health is gone, and I just can’t keep up. t;~kcthat imymorc. I didn’t want to he wils going t o hring him home for shoulder and asked, “Are 1 can’t gct rid of that ball in my stom- in rlw South End living under the Tlwnksgiving Di~y,so I went down you having ;I prohlem with ach. I see my kids and wife from a ~lis- Iln-cr Strcct hriJKein the sumincr iind there ;I few Jays iilwad, iind I could x e ;ilc~hol?” n w t was ;in un- t;~nccand 1 just ciin’t take it.” He g ~ v c tllen in tile winter at the Pine Street he wiis way down, very depressed. 1 derstatement. I didn’t have me courage. 1l e suggested that I clu il Inn waiting for the van to come up came home that night and later got a any shoes, my teeth were Fourth and Fifth Step, try to get rid of i 1 1 d take us to Rrit1gcw;itcr State 1-los- c;ill to come m d identify his M y . He gone, my glasses were the garbage, and begin to clear away piti11on vo1unt;iry cc~mmitmcntso we had walked out of the hospital and

jumped in front of a truck. W h e n I forty dollars an hour I’ll give you a stoidentified his body, 1 thought 1 was go- ry that will blow your socks off.” She ing to have a heart attack. All this time got a kick out of that. I didn’t think of a drink. 1 thought I went through a lot, my sobriety about blowing my brains out, but not didn’t come easy, but my life is good toabout drinking. day. My wife is fantastic, I love her and My wife went right out of her mind, she loves me, we’ve got a grandson and two children gone now. I didn’t sleep his wife who are sober in AA. They taking care of her; I took her to a psy- asked me to speak at their group’s anchiatrist for a year. O n e day I went niversary and I was thrilled to be able with her. The psychiatrist said to her, to do that for them. “You know, you’ve been coming here I’m broke but that’s nothing to me. for a year now and I can’t seem to get I’ve got some peace of mind after all to your problem.” “It’s him,” my wife these years. I’m sober over thirty years, began, pointing at me. “He never was and I’ll tell you, fifteen or sixteen of home for Christmas, he didn’t see these those years were real rough. 1 didn’t kids graduate high school, I worked like speak at meetings for a lot of years; 1 just crazy to support them.” On and on she couldn’t do it. I was chasing my daughwent, she let out everything that was ter and then my son; my wife was dcvbothering her, and everything she said astated by the loss of our two children; was true. Afterwards she felt better. She and I just couldn’t do it. Today I don’t came over to me, gave me a big hug, mind doing it because 1 like to give and we went home. O n the way out back some of what 1 got. Thanks for letthe psychiatrist said to me, “I’d like to ting me share -God bless you all. delve into your childhood.” I said, “For John N.,Peabody, Massachusetts

January 1997

family, I found, ~yselfdrinking just like me a cigarette and coffee, and told me him. that a staff member would be along in ;I “That night after taking my inven- while to talk to me. That was at about tory, I prayed for the first time in years. five-thirty in the morning. The staff 1 asked God to remove the compulsion member arrived for work at eight-thirto drink and promised to live by the ty, and I was still there waiting. I had principles of A A if he would do that.” nowhere else to go. Despite the confused state I was in I watched him as he came in. He at the time, I must have filed Ben’s was wearing a neat brown suit, a tie, a words in my mind in case 1 ever got white shirt, and the gentlest smile I’d bad enough to need them. I’d spent the seen in years. He spoke briefly to the night of June 5, 1975, in a garbage bin. clerk then came over to me, put his It was dry but very cold in a lane called arm around my quaking shoulders, and Blood Alley, located in the heart of said, “You’re in the right place. We can Vancouver’s skid row. When I awoke, help.” it was raining and the seagulls and He took me upstairs, showed me pigeons were scavenging nearby. I where I would sleep, gave me a towel, couldn’t find the strength to get to my razor, and soap, and said he’d be back This AA finally became couldn’t make anything work. He said feet. It was possibly hypothermia, but with clean clothing. When I’d showthat after five months of sobriety in more likely a vicious hangover coupled ered and shaved, and dressed in used willing to llsten with incipient withdrawal. but clean clothing, he took me to the AA, he’d arrived at a crisis point. “Either I had to find a way to overcome A sentence from the “Twelve and dining room and told me what was ex- Twelve” came to mind: “When all the pected of me and what to expect from

0 ne of the basic concepts of AA is that we carry the message to suffering alcoholics through our own experience and in our own words. We talk about what my compulsion to drink or surrender to it,” he said. “If I drank, I knew my family, home, and job would be gone. So I sat in my chair at home after a Sunday night meeting, knowing I couldn’t go scorecards read zero and one more strike will put us out of the game forever, then we become as willing to listen as only the dying can be.” the Mission staff. He also informed me that the uncomfortable chair in the lobby was a test to see whether I was serious about wanting help. we were like, what happened, and on unless something changed.” I lay there with life draining out of This wasn’t a treatment center in what we are like now. Ben went on: “I summoned up all me. 1 remembered what Ben had done, the style to which I’d become accus- O n the morning of June 5, 1975, the honesty and humility I could and I prayed: “God, if you’ll remove tomed. This was a place where there when my life seemed to he hanging in muster and searched my memory as far the compulsion to drink, I’ll try to live were two AA meetings daily, and a bus the balance, the words that an alco- back as 1 could remember. A lot of by the principles of AA for the rest of pass was provided to enable residents holic had spoken to me years earlier things had happened in my life for my life.” I sauggled to my feet and stag- to get to outside meetings. slipped into my consciousness. which I had n o explanation. I’d sur- gered out of the lane and into the front I’d attended hundreds of AA meet- Ben had been at a meeting I attend- vived a war and a number of attempts door of the Central City Mission. ings before and had read the literature. ed while trying to get back my sobriety to take my own life, because I had I told the clerk on duty that 1 was an I’d even put together a respectable after a fouryear period during which I sworn to myself as a boy that if 1 ever alcoholic desperately in need of help. number of sober years, so nothing I toured all the available treatment cen- drank like my father did, I’d kill myself. He told me to sit down (on an uncom- read or heard at those meetings was ters, slipped in and out of A A , and After the war, married with a young fortable straight-backed chair), gave new to me. T h e A A message wasn’t

IWW, 1 ~ 1 t something was different and sive drinking had been given to me by it HW me. I wasn’t interested in ap- God – through Ben’s remembered pearing well-spoken and knowlcdge- words – all those many years earlier. i~lllc,;IS I IwJ ;it other times. I knew hy Ry h a r i n g his spiritual experience then that the con~pulsionhad heen with me, he’d enabled me t o find ;I tilkc~lirom we ;lnJ that what I neeJcd moment of clarity at the hour of my \\.;I> to Ic;~rnhow to live the progr;im greatest need, during which I estah- – not just talk allout it. lished my personal relationship with I t secmeJ to me that what I’d expe- God. ricnce~lin the garbilge bin haJ hecn a W h e n in AA we share our hope, .spiritu;tl experience, unicluely my own, strength and experience with e ; ~ c h ; I I ~no\\’ tllat God had clone what I’d other, we ncver know where the seeds ; ~ . s k ~ofJhim, my responsibility was to of recover): will fall, or when they will ho1J up my end of the bargain. sprout. From t h ; ~ tJ a y in J u n e 1975 I’ve I know peace and freedom today never t c l t the need t o have a drink. because a n alcohulic shared with me I’vc lwcn truly blessed. a moment of great despair – and a In 1990 following my retirement, I message of hope. It’s a message that niovcd to the area where I’d first met Ben still shares with AA members and Ben, attended his group meeting, and which I echo, since it became a fact in heard him tell his story. my life too. T h e gift of freedom from my obses- Don L., Osoyoos, B~icishColumbia

F e b r u a r y 1997

Troubles of Our Own Making

S elfishness – self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions hased on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God’s help. (AlcoholicsAnonymous, p. 62)

February 1997

Relocating in the manner I preferred. Nothing attempted to reverse sixteen years of else really mattered. alcoholism and drug abuse – and to A year later, I visited Max again in stop smoking, too! In those days drugs his ofice on the pretext of asking for hadn’t reached their present populari- 6/ job-hunting help. I was hardly in the

Recovery ty so there was no discussion of them door when I wanted to know more in meetings. So 1 quit all my bad habits about Max’s recovery. I’d reached in- without medical supervision and added I – comprehensible demoralization and a very self-condemning Fourth and had only a nominal will to live. My Fifth Step. difficulty in finding a job seemed un- Out of the hospital and nine m o n t h related to my fear of answering the into sobriety, I found a job and relophone. My primary occupation was cated to another state. I left my A A getting drunk. friends, relatives, and the security that Max spent the afternoon talking comes from being in familiar surwith me about the program of Alco- roundings. A divorce followed my new holics Anonymous and urged me to employment. I lost my job after three find a meeting near my home. 1 did – years. that very night. And so the journey I couldn’t believe my financial dislybe~aninthemomingandproceeded Later, t h e w i n d o w t u r n e d o u t tohcw? began which would last almost eleven asters had happened. After all, I’d ontil-I blacked out, out, or ran gray because it hadn’t been washed for years before I took up some “social straightened up my act and was doing out. My marriage, which was built on several years. drinking” in 1986. what I was supposed to do for the first the mutual enjoyment of chasing Over time I began vomiting a little I asked the AAs at my first meeting time in my life. It was scary because bright lights, music, and mind-altering blood and losing blood from other how I’d know if I was really an alco- not only my identity but my survival substances, was mostly intact. Food, places which weren’t supposed t o holic. They said 1 should attend five were tied to my continued employclothing and shelter were available, al- bleed. I ignored the symptoms and meetings in five days. A few days later ment. But 1 kept going to meetings and though I’d lost my job. drank more. Neither did 1 take serious- they told me it really took thirty meet- didn’t drink. I got and lost another at- I was one of those people whose ly the little pot belly I was growing. I ings in thirty days to know if you were tractive job. identities are intertwined with the read it as too much food or too little an alcoholic. After nearly eleven years in A A I , title on the business card. Sure I drank exercise. During my second month in By the time we reached ninety again faced a job-related relocation to a lot. Back in the days of the three- AA, a doctor told me my liver was en- meetings in ninety days, 1 was in the a small city in America’s heartland. A t martini lunch, I thought my job re- larged. psych ward at a prominent local rehab that point 1 was making only o n e quired me to get a snootful in the line A year before 1 attended my first hospital. My system had gone into meeting a week and was terribly afraid of duty. T h e usual pattern was to get meeting, I interviewed with a prospcc- overload with the huge guilt trip of a that people in my new hometown high over lunch and then get seriously tive employer natned Max. He told tile totally negative inventory. But I was would think less of me if they knew I loaded again in the evening. over lunch that he was a recovering ill- physically sober. My body was reeling was an alcoholic. When my boss-to-be Then, for the first time, I involun- coholic. I declined any alcohol while and staggering from removing chemi- invited me to dinner with his family, I tarily lost a job in the first wave of mid- with him to make a good impression. cals to which it was long accustomed. felt compelled to drink the wine they seventies corporate downsizing. I n o Besides, 1 needed to get home where I So my first months of sobriety were placed next to my plate. longer had to interrupt my drinking could seriously slam some sauce down no picnic. Before being hospitalized, I Because I didn’t finish the glass, I

reasoned 1 hadn’t really had a drink. I wanted to he with me regardless of my didn’t much like the people at that one job situation. – weekly A A meeting I attended, so After my last relocation -this timc there was n o reason to share my slip to the Southwest – 1 again lost the jol-r with them, either. My method of oper- for which I’d moved. But this time the ation required me to arrive at the last fear was more manageable. I had ;I minute for the meeting and leave im- sponsor, went to at least four meeting\ mediately when it ended. My AA con- a week, and tried to help newcomers tacts in my previous home city were an whenever 1 could. expensive long-distance call away. I now saw my original AA arrival in Despite three or four additional a different light. Somehow, the seriepisodes, my Higher Power protected ousness of my physical condition while me from getting full-blown drunk. But drinking had escaped me all those the psychic toll from my “social drink- years. I’d stayed with AA because it ofing” was pretty painful. I’d blown fered a defense for the incomprehensieleven years in the Fellowship. ble demoralization and periodic terror Besides being a stranger t o the I experienced. Now 1 realize that I’d “normies” in my new city, 1 had no AA been killing myself with alcohol and friends. Without a support system, I felt had arrived at AA by the grace of Gtxl. like an alien surrounded by walls that I also know that, despite the recurring kept people away. I abandoned meet- economic upheavals in my life, my ings altogether for a while. My life grew Higher Power has kept me fed, clothed, increasingly tense. The loneliness grew. and sheltered. And he or she put the Finally, 1 brought myself to a new people I needed into my life at the meeting and admitted the slip. A right times. woman talked with me afterward. She Today I have interests in my life bebecame one of my dearest friends. I was sides my job to prove that my identity invited to program social gatherings. A no longer depends on what my business miracle happened and my “walls” came card says. Attending the San Diego Intumbling down. ternational made me feel part of some- While I lived in that small Midwest- thing really big -and not job-related. e m city, the fear of financial insecurity And that fear of financial insecurity is was a constant companion. 1 struggled gone for now. My life right now is ;IS to find and keep jobs, only to have good as it will get. Living in the now is them vanish for a variety of reasons. about gratitude. For the Promises to Somehow I managed to keep the bills work for me, I have to stay in the now paid and I stayed sober with the help of and keep working the program of Almy new friends in Alcoholics Anony- coholics Anonymous. mous. I discovered they liked me and ludi L., Phoenix, Arizona

April 1997

trying to patch up the pieces of my life. Relief. Gratitude. If I’d been walking I was going to meetings almost every along the sidewalk in front of a bar, I day, except I’d enrolled in a weekly might very well have gone inside. But creative writing course at the commu- I hadn’t been and I didn’t. I’ve told nity college. On the way to class one that story in meetings several times night, the urge to drink suddenly came since then because the relief and the over me so strongly I almost passed gratitude have lasted far longer than out. I’d been told many times that the either the imaginary drink or the terantidote for this was to get to a meet- ror did. ing quickly. I argued with myself for a Recently, I was in a resort town on few minutes: go to a meeting or go to business. The client had booked me class. Finally, I decided not to let the into a hotel casino where I was leading booze have the upper hand – which a two-day seminar. To get from my hois how I thought of rushing in panic to tel room to the conference room, I had

w en I was just a few months sober, over twenty-eight years ago, my boss had a big Christmas party at his large lovely home. I had the presence of mind to take a date q h o was also in AA. One But I avoided cocktail parties for a long time after that. I remember wishing my date had been more attentive, but he may have been following advice to not get emotionally involved with me in my first year of sobriety. a meeting – so I went to class. As soon as I made that decision, the panic passed, and I went to a meeting the next day for reinforcement. Just last winter, I was driving up the freeway past a billboard that had been to traipse from one end of the casino to the other past a large open bar. It was the week of my twenty-eighth AA birthday and I needed a meeting. I knew that there were meetings in this area, but I didn’t know where. I asked there for many years. This day, though the bartender in the casino. He didn’t of the sales managers saw that my glass Some twenty-five years ago, my hus- nothing was different, it jumped out at know but he sent me to the hotel was almost empty and offered to bring band and I were at his brother’s house. me. It advertised Seagram’s 7-Crown newsstand for a copy of the local weekme a new drink. “What would you We were drinking coffee and the and 7-Up. Thirty years ago, I’d guzzled ly where he said the AA meetings like?”he asked. Since we worked for a brother and his lady were passing a enormous quantities of 7&7, and in were listed in the “Events” column on soft drink company, I named our flag- toke of marijuana back and forth. They this split second, I could taste it as the back page. I found the newsstand, ship brand. “Of course,” he responded, offered it to us, and while my husband clearly as if I had a mouthful of it. Ab- found the newspaper, and as I was “but what do you want in it?” I paused. refused rather rudely, I was sorely solutely nothing was missing: the fla- waiting for the cashier, I peeked at the “Ice,” I finally said. He paused, and as tempted. I was some four years sober vor on my tongue, the tingle in my back page. No list. I decided to be sure luck would have it, it was one of those and had never tried pot, and I thought nose, the gulp as I swallowed it, the I had the right paper before. I paid for moments when the whole crowd sud- I might never have another opportu- warmth in my stomach, the lightness it, so I asked the cashier if this was . denly stopped talking. Into the silence, nity. I was really curious. But my hus- behind my eyes, everything. I truly sa- where I would find AA meetings list- he joked, “What everybody doesn’t band abruptly said we were leaving and vored that drink. If I hadn’t been near- ed. She said, “You don’t need the know is that Sue’s an alcoholic!” I was that was that. It turned out he was ly twenty-eight years sober, locked in newspaper. I’ll tell you where they are.” mortified. My usual defense in tough tempted too and had to get us out of a sedan moving sixty MPH up the free- She told me where the meeting hall spots is to wisecrack. “What everybody there fast. way, I could have sworn I was actually was – down the road a couple of doesn’t know,” I shot back, “is that Bob When 1 was five years sober, my drinking 7 6 7 in that moment. The in- miles, turn right, next to the laundrois right!” The hubbub resumed, and as wonderful husband traded me in on a stant it came, it passed, but the after- mat. She didn’t know the exact meetfar as I know. nobodv even noticed. younger model. I was devastated and effect was almost as potent. Terror. ing time but told me, “Call this

number and ask for Ed. He’s my dad him anyway. I did indeed have a good and he knows the evening schedule. I evening, ran into an AA couple I only go to the early morning meet- hadn’t seen in some twenty years, and ings.” Clearly, I was in good hands. 1 we reminisced over dinner after the talked to Ed and found out there was a meeting. meeting starting in ten minutes. I ran I’ve had so many close calls I can’t for a cab and gave the directions the remember them all. But each time, I’ve cashier had told me. “You going to the been able to rely on two ideas of very AA meeting?” the cabbie asked. When deep faith: that it’s possible to stay he pulled up next to the laundromat, sober, no matter what, and that AA he said, “Have a good evening” and works if I let it. tried to refuse a tip which I forced on Sue C ., Pacifica,California

April 1997

— The evening was really fun. The All kinds of reasons kept ioing Old-Timers- band was great, and my friend and I through my mind as to why it would discovered a new wonderful aspect of be okay to take a drink of that whisky. Corner our relationship by learning to dance “One little sip won’t hurt anything. I’ll together for the first time since we’d take a sip while my friend is in the rest become a couple. room. I have breath mints so she’ll People in the au- never know. Just dience were buying “One little sip one little sip is all her father glasses of I’ll have. Nobody straight whisky that will notice if I take he was drinking on won’t hurt any- just one little sip.” stage as he played My Higher Powthe steel guitar. thing. 1’11 take a er and all I’d

Siren Song During one of the short breaks that the band took, he sip while my learned from AA throughout years kept me from the

came over to our taking that drink. table to chat and brought his glass of friend is in the hoiing other alcoholics’ experiwhisky with him.

I have told the following story at sev- I’just celebrated my twenty-second ences proved to be eral AA meetings as a reminder to year of continuous sobriety, so I had my While he was at restroom. I have helpful to me in all of us not to be too complacent sobriety well under control, or so I the table with us, this situation as concerning our illness: An old man thought. Little did I know I was about someone brought well. I remembered stood in front of us with tears running to be exposed to a situation that test- him another glass breath mintstso that elderly man down his cheeks. He could hardly speak ed my resolve and caused me to re- of whisky that he with thirty-four as he began to tell us his story. He’d vamp my attitude toward my sobriety. been sober for thirty-four years and My significant other was going on a put on the table in front of me. When she’ll never years of sobriety. I. remembered how things were going quite well for him. business trip to California and asked he went back to the he slipped, and it His life was under control and there me to join her on the weekend to meet stage, he left this know. ” was enough to keep were no real pressing problems plaguing her father. I’d wanted to meet him for glass of whisky on me from making him. He was walking past a liquor store some time so I jumped at the chance. the table. that fatal mistake of taking- the first and for some unknown reason decided Her father was a member of a band As I turned to watch the band, 1 saw drink. to buy a half pint of whisky. A half pint that plays in various bars around Cali- the glass of whisky sitting bcforc mc. I acquired a ncw respect for my illwon’t hurt me, he said to himself as he fornia on the weekend. He asked us to For the next hour and a half, that glass ness that evening. I learned it was just walked through the doors. Within a few come listen to him and I didn’t see any of whisky tempted me beyond what I lurking under the surface waiting for days he was up to a fifth a day. His harm in that. My friend had just cele- thought was possible. I thought all the first opportunity to raise its ugly friends in AA discovered he was drink- brated eight years of sobriety, and I had those years of sobriety would protect head. I learned it truly was cunning ing again and helped him to regain his twenty-two years of sobriety. What me from even being tempted. But I and baffling. sobriety once more. could go wrong? was wrong. Rawlins R ., Tucson, Arizona

Old-Timers Corner N next few days continued to drink in a In the fifteen minutes it took Iva to Old-Timers complete blackout. In spite of all my get there, I downed twenty-five-cent planning, the determination to do a shots of rotgut rye just as fast as they Corner good job, and having no apparent de- could be poured. I felt more at home in sire to drink, john Barleycorn had once this dive with the other derelicts than again had his way. I never made it to I had in that hotel cocktail lounge. the sales meeting. So much for firm re- That is when I hit bottom. That is solve. when I grasped the I awoke with no meanine that withmemory – just a headache and a . . . My ego, still out AK there is no mental defense mouth full of cot- against that first ton. I shook all over in f u//contro1, drink. A Headache and my guts were tied i n knots. I Mv wife got me homk and f asked issued another her to call and,a Mouth needed a bath, a shave, and a drink, but could manage angry demand; Soon, two guys were on the scine shar-

Full of Cotton none of it. Full of self-pity, panic, and remorse, “Never let this ing their experience, strength; and hooe. lohn B. and i crawled out of thd H& B. told me, “If n February 14, 1961, armed ed, confident, and hadn’t even thought hotel to find my you don’t take the

0 with a smart blue suit and a of a drink in weeks – all without govery impressive briefcase, I ing to very many of those embarrassing marched into a midtown hotel. It was AA meetings. I thought I had it made. thirty-nine days bince my last drink. I After checking into the hotel, I gave way aboard the Long Island Railroad. The ride home seemed longer than usual. My again!” fi,dri&,,-‘t ,get drunk.” I’d heard this at AA meetings yet it had never penetrated felt better than I had in years, and dur- my’ bags to the bellman. Then without job was on the line. My marriage too. my denial system. But that day, ing that month, all of my energies had another thought, I walked into the bar Yet my ego, still in full control, issued through the Grace of God, I was able . been devoted to preparing for the an- and ordered a double vodka martini another angry demand: “Never let this to identify, surrender, and accept AA nual sales meeting. That evening, a with a twist. happen again!” I was scared to death. with no reservations. . hundred guys from New York and New That first drink in over five weeks Reaching East Northport at last, and As directed by John, Harry, and my England would descend on New York felt great going down my throat. .I , needing to call home for a ride, I found sponsor, Joe C., I joined a group and ‘ ‘ City. I was ready for them. glowed. The instant warmth quickly myself following the neon glow over made coffee two nights a week. I set up As an enqrgetic twenty-eight-year- penetrated my upper chest and steadi- . the door to the Red Top Grill, a dark, chairs, swept the floor, and went to ‘ old promotion manager, I’d done my ly radiated throughout my body. When dingy haven to down-and-out drunks. about 600 meetings in the first two job well and was eager to show the boss it reached my fingers, I just had to sig- There, I made the call and while wait- years. They told me to get phone numthat in spite of some recent problems, I nal for another. ing for my wife to arrive, decided to bers and call at least one AA member was the man to count on. I was excit- Later I found my room, and for the have “just one.” every day. I did everything that was

suggested. When they said it was time way to a successful business career and for me to make changes, Joe led me to led me to perform responsibly as a fathe Twelve Steps, which set me on the ther, friend, and member of the comroad to a spiritual awakening. Many munity. Sober today in California, I sober AA men and women continue tw have much to be grateful for. It’s a rare show me the rest of the way. Their day now that sees me carrying a briefpower of example has reinforced the case, but I do make it to my three AA idea that I’ve got to give it away to meetings almost every week. Each day keep it. I try to listen to God’s will, apply the It all began on Long Island a lifetime principles of the program, and stay inago. Since then the program of Alco- volved with newcomers as well as my holics Anonymous has enabled me to old AA friends, on the phone and over stay married to the same, patient Al- coffee. Anon lady for forty years. It paved my Jim M ., Enciniras, Cdfnnia

Auuust 1997

pain. Why should I crawl to him? I did Why would someone with seven want to get sober but 1 wasn’t willing years drink again? Easy – I’d never to go to any length. 1 didn’t trust peo- surrendered myself wholeheartedly to ple, never mind that I was expected to the first three Steps. I was still running trust in AA and God. After a couple the show. I couldn’t accept who I was of ycm I started asking a Higher Pow- and what I’d done in the past. 1 er for help even though 1 still hated couldn’t see that God was willing to GoJ. I saw that this was working for help – all I had to do was ask. But I otlicrs (at least they said it was), so I wi1s too proud to ask him for help. fakcJ it. Rut in my mind I didn’t be- I drank three more times after that night in June. I’m grateful that 1 had Running lieve that people in AA were actually asking for help. I thought that they were lying to me. Still, I was involved in AA. I went those seven years in the Fellowship; they gave me some insight as to where the drink would take me. That was not to a lot of meetings, did service work, a life I wanted back. There was a better and always reached my hand out for life, and that life was sober. the newcomer. There were times when It may sound strange but I’m glad I I’d be defiant and not go to meetings drank. It was what 1 had to do to get

T day would have been my emy. Drinking no longer helped my or listen to my sponsor. Usually it was where I am now. I have a peace that I eighth AA anniversary, but af- feelings; in fact, the more I drank the when things weren’t going my way and never thought possible. The seven ter seven years of continuous so- worse I felt. 1 ended up in my own only lasted about a week. Because 1 was years 1 had, and the six months I now briety I picked up a drink. world of guilt, shame, and remorse. I going to a lot of meetings 1 thought I have, are not important. Sobriety is a I went to my first AA meeting didn’t understand why I had these feel- was immune to picking up a drink. gift I am given one day at a time. This eleven years ago when 1 was twenty- ings. One night last June 1 said to hell morning I made a choice that, with three. The only reason I went was to I ended up hating my life. I tried with it and made the choice to pick up the Fellowship of AA and God,I don’t save my job. I had no intention of giv- many times to end it all, but some- a drink. I knew what the consequences need to drink today. ing up drinking; 1 was still having a where there was a will in me for sur- of drinking would be, but I didn’t care. Karen R ., good time. vival. I know today that it was God’s I was willing to take the chance. Hy& Park, Massachusetts 1 look back at that twenty-three- will. When I had the first sip it tasted reyear-old woman with sadness. When 1 In 1983 I had a car accident in a ally good. I felt a warm glow through was younger I’d had hopes and dreams blackout. I decided that enough was rny whole body. I was excited just of what I wanted to do with my life, enough and came into the Fellowship. thinking about what I’d been missing. I but booze took away those hopes and I saw that alcohol controlled me and ;~lsofelt a sense of relief and peace, as dreams. All 1 looked foward to was the my life was a mess. I had no choice – if’ I ‘ J been waiting for the moment next party and the next drunk. I drank I turned to AA for help. when I could drink. I felt some guilt, every day. Alcohol was my best and I didn’t get sober right away. The ad- hut it wasn’t guilt that 1 had let myself only friend. I lived to drink. mission of powerlessness wasn’t there. I or other people down. It was due to my Finally alcohol turned on me. It was couldn’t ask God for help because I felt ego. I’d have to change my sobriety no longer mv friend. It became mv en- that God had caused me nothing but <late.I no longer had seven years.

T~ A around, it only took fifteen years of Higher Power must have gotten hard drinking to reach the gutter. The enough of watching this pareicular persecond time, it took one month. son make a jackass of himself. He I learned that a real alcoholic (by arranged that I should live in another this time I’d noticed that word in chap- town for a while, so that I could slip ter three) cannot pull himself up out of around my ego and show my face in an that pit by his own bootstraps, even if AA meeting. By some miracle, I did those bootstraps consist of ten years of just that, and AA got me back on the

Persistent information gained in AA meetings. Not one thing I’d learned in A A availed to get me back off the bottle. track again. Then my Higher Power pulled a sneaky one: he sent me back here, to my old home. So I ended up — Alcohol really is cunning, baffling, and having to face all my old acquainpowerful, and without help it was too tances in AA and tell it all anyhow. much for me. Too ego-bound and too But it’s okay. Nobody slammed a door

Illusion bullheaded to return to AA and admit my downfall, I stayed out for five years, while the disease progressed and things in my face. Nobody said, “You dumb clod, get out of here.” It was more like, “Welcome home.” got worse and worse. I learned that it I don’t want to forget again that this doesn’t pay to pass the final exams in is a progressive illness, or that alcohol AA. It wasn’t some other guy who is cunning, baffling, and powerful enjoy my drinking – the fruit of a went out after ten years: it was I, Mr. and patient. I’ve made it for two years

M y Big Book told me that “alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period of time we get worse, never better.” dogged insistence that there are exceptions, that there are cures, and that I, being the exception, was now cured. Over the next five years I learned AA, Mr. Big Shot. Thank God, I’m back – alive. My now, one day at a time. With help. An H., Naples, Florida

Tme. For others. Not for me. the hard way the things I’d refused to 1 was coming up on my tenth an- learn by listening with an open mind niversary in AA – ten years of rela- in AA meetings. 1 learned that alcotively contented, uninterrupted holism is not only incurable – it is, in sobriety. Over those years I’d made an fact, progressive, exactly as the Big average of three to four meetings a Book said it was. The disease had heen week, chaired meetings, spoken at progressing, all those ten years, quite meetings, and become quite impressed careless of whether 1 was actually inwith myself. It was quite clear to me gesting alcohol. That one beer was all that I’d learned it all and didn’t need that was necessary to start the engine those meetings any more. So I stopped and get me back on the racetrack going to them. the one where the road signs say “Hell Six days short of that ten-year mark, dead ahead.” Progressive? You het. I 1 I picked up a drink. One beer. It was picked up drinking not where I’d left 1 the fruit of that persistent illusion that off, but as if I’d been drinking all dursomeday, somehow, I could control and ing those ten years. The first time

August 1997

walked into the front yard to get away I dropped the phone and burst into for a moment. Overhead, the moon tears. It was the first time, in all that sailed through the sky; the wind awful time, I’d even thought about alsighed through the pines. It was love- cohol. Then 1 was filled with a joy unly. I thanked God for that moment like anything I’d ever known, and and its beauty and then the lights of something else I didn’t understand the coroner’s car broke that spell. Af- humility, maybe? ter he left with the body, I had to call During that moment when 1 the daughter of the dead woman and walked outside and saw the moon tell her of her mother’s death – one and heard the wind, and thanked of the hardest things I’ve ever had to God for the beauty of his world, I do. 1 spent the days before the funeral could so easily have thought about doing what I could for the family. taking a drink. But my Higher Power T h e night before the funeral, a showed me I could do, with him, what friend who knew I was sober called I couldn’t do alone – handle life on vodka. 1 was in a killing rage. T h e me, asking if I could help her with a

L ike many of us, the first time in AA didn’t work for me because 1 didn’t work for it. I did everything I was supposed to do -suit up, show – . UD. emDtv ashtravs. share – but next eight months consisted of nonstop drinking, isolation, and more rage. It ended in the hospital, with me near death, and tubes in every openproject. I told her why I couldn’t and her fitst remark struck me like a thunderbolt. She said, “Oh, God, Harriet, you didn’t go for the bottle, did you?” life’s terms without rage, without alcohol. What freedom! What an awesome reward for working the Twelve . Steps of AA. Haniett M.,Aurora, Texas don’t tilk td*e abouia Fourth Step, ing in my body. thanks anyway. In my sixth month of In the hospital 1found out I wanted sobriety I suggested to my sponsor to live, and live sober. Five days later I that because I didn’t have a horror ran back to AA with shaky knees and story maybe I wasn’t a real alcoholic. hands, but 1 knew A A was my only In her infinite wisdom, she gave me and last road to sobriety and life. Bepermission to back out of AA by say- yond working the Steps, I prayed ing, “Well, maybe you’re not.” Five many times daily that my Higher months later, after attending fewer Power not let anything bad happen. I and fewer meetings, I was just waiting couldn’t handle the fear of feeling that for a reason to take the first drink. rage ever again. 1 prayed that nothing Well, it happened, and it was a biggie. traumatic would happen. I went into a blackout, and eight Five months later my husband and hours later 1 came out of it in posses- 1 came back from a trip and found our sion of a Colt .38 (I hate guns) and house-sitter dead in our house. Talk well into one of three large bottles of about trauma. Five hours later I

September 1997

Thinkina about

Prinkin wanted to drink today . .. not that: I was an alcoholic -God for-

I . yesterday . . and the day before . . that . and I’ll probably want to drink tomorrow. I drank for thirty years. Drink was and bid! – but that I was having mental problems and that maybe I did drink a little too much. Toward the end of my drinking, I even gave up martinis to the perfect response for any occasion: prove that I wasn’t an alcoholic. (It birth and death, wedding and divorce, didn’t help; I just drank more beer.) victory and defeat. Maybe I drank to Sometimes now I wonder where the escape myself, maybe not. I do know thought of a drink comes from and that I liked to drink. I liked what it did then I catch myself. After thirty years to me. I drank to celebrate victories of drinking, I was programmed to drink and to drown frustrations. In the sum- on any and all occasions. I’m an alcomer I drank to get cool and in the win- holic. The old-timers at my first meetter to get warm. I drank because I was ings would shout at us newcomers: “So feeling great and because I was feeling you thought about drinking., What else terrible. I drank when I was alone and do you expect to think about? You’re when I was with company. an alcoholic.” I always thought that I managed to So I still think about drinking. I don’t preserve appearances fairly well, but I panic anymore. I know its normal (for really was just closing down my life – an alcoholic).Through my own experiit kept getting smaller, narrower, and ence and the experience of those beyond me. It was clear to those who around me, I know I can handle it. knew me that I was in deep trouble, God’s here and so is the program of AA. and it finally became clear to me. Oh, Bob B., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

September 1997

Old-Tirnors Corner M Oid=T’imers den-cause theory was the basis for psy- most part -that we need not concern chiatric treatment of all mental illness. ourselves with causes of our alco- Since then the hidden-cause theory has holism. The emphasis should be on re- Corner been largely discredited. It has been dis- covery. But I also have noticed that covered that defective biochemistry, not those who belong to the “hiddenunpleasant experiences as an infant, lay cause” school of alcoholism continue at the root of such illnesses as schizo- to carry their alcoholism with them, phrenia and manic- like a heavy bag, a depression. My own experience and the expe- – I used to get bag filled with those demon character . defects that are rience of others in AA long ago have thirsty quite waiting to spill out and force a drink convinced me that down their throats. alcoholism is a bio- often, whether 1 The Big BOO^ tells Small Area in the chemical addiction. Addictions don’t need help in mak- was Or us that God relieves us of our alcoholism if he is sought. In

World ing the addict knuckle under. No reasons beyond benot, resentful or my opinion, carrying that bag around is not being relieved ing addicted are of alcoholism. not, in good H ow many times over the past twenty-eight years have I sat in AA meetings and listened to various members – good sober AAs every one tell how anger or low selfcoholic drinking), mowing the grass on a hot day, a snowfall, a nice sptng day, a rainstorm. In my case, I drank under all the conditions above and under any other necessary to explain why someone addicted to alcohol drinks, any more weather or bad, Character defects don’t get people drunk. if c h & k defects got us alcoholics drunk, who than hidden causes esteem or resentment caused them to conditions you can mention. Not one or deep-seated feelings or dysfunction- among us would last long enough to take the first drink? And how many of them was ever responsible for my tak- al childhoods are at the root of ciga- celebrate a first anniversary?And how’ times have I cringed when someone – ing a drink. In fact, there was only one rette smoking. I used to smoke, too, and does one explain the removal of the no longer a newcomer expressed fear reason why I ever took a drink in my I can tell you I felt more at ease when I desire to drink in the early stages of rethat a particular character defect would life: I drank because 1 was thirsty. And I smoked; I had greater self-esteem, felt covery, before one has even appmched cause him or her to take that fim drink? used to get thirsty quite often, whether like I belonged in the crowd (almost Steps Six and Seven?In fact, if charac- Just in the last month or so, I’ve I was angry or not, resentful or not, in everyone smoked in those days), was a ter defects caused us to drink, Steps Six heard the following causes advanced for good weather and bad. more brilliant conversationalist,and was and Seven would be Steps One and triggering the desire to take a drink: I know the Big Book tells us drink- much better in my relationships with Two. (I do think, however, that continanger, resentment, feelings of low self- ing is only a symptom and we must women. But the truth is, I smoked for ued and deliberate wrong behavior can esteem, frustration (one member said search out the root causes. That was one reason: I was addicted to nicotine. lead one back to drinkii because it rethis was the underlying cause of all al- written sixty years ago when the hid- We are told – and I agree for the moves one from the protective shield

Id Old-Timers Corner

of the Higher Power.) course) I’ve discovered I can stay out of I belong to the “Let Go and Let the most dangerous small area in the God” school of AA – I let God han- world – my head. And 1 enjoy a freedle my alcoholism and my character dom from alcoholism and a freedom defects. Isn’t that what the Steps say? ‘ from fear, including a freedom from the Were entirely ready to have God remove fear of taking a drink. The Promises do all these defects of character. Humbly come true for us, if we work for them. asked Him to remove our shortcomings. I would suggest to anyone plagued I’m sober for one reason: I have no with the fear of taking a drink because desire to take a drink. That is the mir- of a character defect to keep in mind acle that God has performed – not that agonizing over character defects is me. My job is to stay close to AA, help in itself a character defect. Put your other alcoholics when I can, and fol- trust in your Higher Power, get out of low the Steps to the best of my ability, your head, smell the roses, and enjoy while attempting to practice the AA your day. That, I have found for me, is principles in all my affairs. By doing what the AA program is all about. these things (nowhere near perfectly, of Bill F., Bena, Virginia

came back to the pharmacy, I walked My boss was showing everyone what into a robbery in progress. The phar- had happened. When he showed the macist and I were told to lie on the bullet hole in the wall, he said, “That’s floor behind the counter, and the two the one that almost got Ed.” I looked robbers helped themselves to money, at it and realized how close it had been drugs, and watches. As they were leav- to my head. ing, an off-duty policeman came in the I got cramps in my gut and felt the door and noticed one robber with shakes starting. 1 took the key to the watches in his hand. H e halted the pharmacy car and told the boss I was men. A t that moment, one of the going to warm it up. I walked out of phones rang. I got up to answer the the store, passed the car, and went phone so I could get some help. As 1 through the parking lot, ready to cross got up, the robber took a shot at me. I the road to the bar. heard it go over my head and 1 got It was then I heard someone call my back down. The policeman wounded name. I turned and saw the telephone one robber and the other one got away. man standing outside the store. He said, It was a long night at the police station “Come here, I want to talk to you.” I and the thought of drinking was with walked back and he put his hand out to me. I used the phone in the police sta- me and said, “My name is Joe and I’m a tion to call my sponsor. He told me to member of the Huntington Group.” He go home and call him when I got told me to sit in his truck. H e said, there. I did that and I got through the “What you are about to do will not help night with little sleep. That was the you. It will just add to your troubles.” first time I remembered praying in He told me to tell my boss I couldn’t many years. work the rest of the day and to go home The next morning came and I went and call my sponsor, get some sleep, and

I was taken to my first A A meeting this group; we met twice a week and I off to work feeling tired but pretty go to a meeting that night. 1 did all the o n October 6, 1966. I went with called him every day. As my sponsor good. W h e n 1 pulled up to the things he said to do. That day I saw the blind faith. This was the first time walked me through the Steps, I got pharmacy, I saw the window that was Third Step as it is written. I turned my I’d felt hope and faith in many years. hung up o n “the God thing,” so my shot out, the showcase with bullet will and life over to the care of God as I T h e men and women in that room home group became the power greater holes in it, and the dried blood on the understood him. reached out to me. I had found a Fel- than myself. I went to it with all the floor from the robber’s wound. The lo- When I called my sponsor later and lowship of men and women, who things that were happening in my life. cal radio station reported the robbery told him what had happened and de- ~hiircdtheir experience, their strength, And I received good direction. and it made the front page of the paper scribed Joe, the telephone man, my i d their Iiope with me openly. I felt I was five months sober and working with a picture of the shot-out front sponsor didn’t know who I was talking ~cwicthingth;it night that I had never in a pharmacy. It was a cold windy t window. It wasn’t long hefore the cu- iihout hut siiid we’d prohahly see him L4t Iwti~rc.To~l;iyI know it was love. night in March. At about nine-th~rty riosity seekers started coming in. A at our group. That was March of 1967, My home group hecame the Hunt- PAL, I walked over t o the deli across the telephone repairmim was there, fixing i d to this day, I’ve never seen Joe. ington (;nwp. My sponsor hclongc~lt o ~rrceto lwy ni~lkiinJ 1~rc;iJ.When I tlw phone th;it hiid gotten rippcci out. Ed k’. , Centcrcclch, Nc.w V)rk

September 1997

Think,” “First Things First,” “Easy out to him, I said, “Gimme another Does It,” “Let Go and Let God.” All one.” His expression turned to disbq the while the guy was trying to give lief. He closed the chest and did not me a beer. offer me any more beer. That’s it, 1 thought, Let go and let I don’t know what happened to that God! They said to ask God for help. man. I no longer work for that compa- So I did. It was a short, urgent prayer. ny. Twelve years later, I’ve learned to j I asked only for an answer, and an an- work the Steps with the help of the swer came. Big Book, my sponsor, and the people

The OH “Okay,” I said. “Give me a beer.” The drunk handed me one, the satisfaction showing on his face. I opened in my home group. Today I try to carry this message and practice these principles. But when I’m scared and it, but instead of putting it to my don’t know what to do, the answer still mouth, I threw it as hard as I could out comes: “Let Go and Let God.” the open window. Reaching my hand Roy B ., Denham Sgnngs , Louisiana

nowing that I was sober and in Surprised, I said, “No,I’m driving. It K A A , my boss came to me one probably wouldn’t be a good idea.” ay and asked me to give a fel- Not to be put off, he said, ‘Come on. low employee a ride home from work. You can drink one. It won’t hurt.” The This man had been drinking on the job cold can still in my face, I knew he and couldn’t be trusted behind the wasn’t going to take no for an answer. wheel of a car. I agreed to give this guy “Whatsa matter, you too good to drink a ride, but I wondered what to do if the with me? You think you’re better than subject of drinking came up. At only I am?” His persistence frightened me, five months, I was in no condition to and I gripped the steering wheel to twelfth-step a drunk by myself. cover my nervousness. This was the When the fellow got to the car, he first time in my newfound sobriety that had his “lunch box” with him -that’s I’d been in a situation involving alcothe small ice chest which is standard hol that I could not evade or avoid. I among construction workers. He sat knew I’d have to face this, but I didn’t the lunch box between his feet as he know how. got in, and off we went. Then he I began to think about what the reached into the box. “You want a people in my AA group said, things beer!” he asked, pulling one out and like the slogans. I began to repeat sticking it right in my face. them in my head: “Think, Think,

September 1997

For six months I’d pull a few days to- and I’d never lived one day at a time. I Youth gether, then celebrate with a drink. didn’t feel worthy of sobriety and I 1 really felt as though I was going crazy. drank again. Yes, I picked up where I Enjoyislg I was afraid t o be- let off. I went out for lieve in a higher one night, was out Sobriety power and I contin- For six months of control, rememued downhill, never ber nothing, and remembering the came back to A A night before, still go- I’d pull the following moming to A A while ing. I reintroduced comparing my way out. I was constitua few days myself and got real with myself and tionally incapable of God too..19m proud together, Reintroduced being honest. T h e law brought me to my bottom and I de- then to say that this NOvember 1’11 have three yearssober. I

To Myself cided to give AA an honest try. A t twenty-three months with a drink. am twenty-three years old. ‘Sure 1 have bad days and sober, I had changed have made mistakes, people, places, and but I don’t drink

I am one of AA’s younger members and am actually grateful to be an aicoholic. At first I thought of AA as a brainwashing program as 1 watched sending me to A A , then my Mom started making me go. I hated it and fought to be different, always against the grain. All my friends partied and a things, gotten a sponsor, and worked steps O n e through Five. 1 was doing the things suggested but I still felt and 1 go to meeti n s . and no matter how much pain I’m k,.when I read the Twelve Promises in the Big Book, I get \ my mother get sober and change over lot of them were older than I was. My alone and didn’t know myself. grateful. a four-year period. I guess back then I drinking became daily. I lived with dif- My higher power wasn’t a priority Jody B., New Bern, North Carolina was proud to be a n active alcoholic, ferent friends and relatives, hopped thought 1 was lucky to have the free- from school to school, was depressed, clom to drink, and often felt sorry for felt alone, never got close to anyone, people in AA who took themselves so not even a boyfriend. I was self-deacr~ously.I attended A A with my structive and lived on the edge and nlothcr on occasion, but I couldn’t he- didn’t care if I lived or died. 1 was allicvc the things people said and the ways wanting to fight and liked it fcclings they had. When I saw people when people were scared of me. from AA in the mall or the post otfice, The seed of AA was there, and on they wanted to reach out t o me, but I’d mornings when I hurt physically and , get ;]way from them as fast as I could. didn’t remember the night before, I’d i In my late teens, the law began wonder: should I give AA a fiiir shot?

November 1997

a life without any hope at all -drunk denizens of Satan’s mad realm drift or sober. I didn’t want to give up the their final way into death and blessed booze, because it was my only solution oblivion. And I wasn’t ready for that! to a life without hope. But it too had I had finally gone as far as I ever wantfinally failed me. ed to go. And I heard from a bunch of S o I came into A A in my home- skidrow bums, some with years of sotown, which was a nice clean college briety, about the safe haven of Alcotown. And of course I was different holics Anonymous. I learned I could and AA couldn’t possibly work for me; recover from hopelessness. 1 had gone too far. So I sat in the The most important move I made meetings and I sneered, and scoffed at in my sober life was doing the one all those wimps calling themselves thing I swore I’d never do: 1 got a alkies. I scoffed at their late-model sponsor. On my Fourth Step inventocars, the well-scrubbed look of clean- ry 1 listed all of the jails and prisons living people wearing decent clothes. and skidrows, and on hearing my Fifth Most of all 1 sneered at their sissy sto- Step, my sponsor had me do it again. ries. 1 was the real alcoholic. If you He taught me the lesson that allows hadn’t spent half your life locked up me to attend meetings in unity and and half your life on the skids you harmony with all alcoholics. My sponwere not a real alcoholic and you sor told me my alcoholism was not the didn’t know what alcoholism was all result of jails and skidrows; those about. What really made me wild with things were the results of my alcorage was that when I’d try to tell them holism. My alcoholism centers deep what it was all about, they would just inside myself. My disease is triggered smile at me and ask me gently to keep by the h c t that I can’t handle life on coming back. life’s terms. All alone I still can’t face, S o I scoffed and sneered my way this scary world. But thank God I no right back down to Larimer Street, longer have to do it all alone – I back to the Denver skids, back to to- have the power of my loving God and tal hopelessness and deeper into fear: the power of the program of Alcobut sober. holics Anonymous. i Looking back I now understand, our Today I park my nice car on our old “Wino Group” down on the Den- parking lot, I walk into the meeting a ver skids was the only place that a

B y the time 1 decided 1 might over fifty detox centers. My most ter- fairly slicked-up old man of seventy, need some help, I was fifty years rible years weren’t the institutions but scoffer, a skidrow snob, could begin his and I listen to – and hear – every i old. Thirty-five of those years years and years of dying on half the big beautiful spiritual journey. There I suffering alcoholic in that room. Behad been drunken years. Dozens of skidrows in America. With no job heard, and saw, the hells I hadn’t been cause at last I understand we all have jails had held me, as well as two state skills, no work history, and only a basic to – yet. Staying sober three months the same dirty disease. prisons, two mental hospitals, and high school education, I saw my life as on the skids I watched the shivering lack L., Fort Collins, Colorado

November 1997

tor painted a very grim picture of my and mentally. One crisis after the othfuture without treatment and strongly er became the norm, and one by one t recommended that I follow up with my friends and family gave up on me. 1 AA. My initial reaction to AA meet- was filled with regret and anger over ings was one of relief in finding that I my wasted life. And through all of this wasn’t alone. But stopping altogether I’d occasionally show up at AA meeti wasn’t part of my plan at that point, ings, sit in the back, and get out fast. 1 and since I couldn’t find anything in was living in a survival mode and los- “the book” about moderation, the book ing the battle. went on the shelf, and I went on my The summer of 1992 found me livmeny way. But I was starting to run a ing alone in a little studio apartment little scared. where I had come to die. The previous A couple of years later, the book year I’d been in and out of the hospital came off the shelf again and I began at- ten times for breathing problems and tending meetings in a desperate at- withdrawal from alcohol. During lucid tempt to save a marriage that meant intervals I’d been contacting old friends everything to me. But in the end, I and loves in one last final hope of finddrank again and lost everything. I’d ing forgiveness. The wreckage of my wanted it to work with all my heart past haunted me continually and I was and became despondent and confused terrified that it was all going to end this by my seeming inability to grasp the way without any kind of resolution. AA program. And then, suddenly, in one transform- Later, in a new location with a new ing moment, the most extraordinary family, I turned to AA again but could event of my life occurred. never put together more than a few I was sitting at my kitchen table months at a time. This began the pat- consumed with despair, staring at a tern of my life: jails, hospitals, detoxes, bottle of whiskey and contemplating and treatment programs of all descrip- my lifelong love affair with my detions. I escaped twice from a state hos- stroyer. My desolation seemed unbearpital and had to stay on the run for a able. I wanted to die. while. I usually went into treatment to Suddenly 1 became aware of what I 7 avoid more serious consequences or to can only describe as a presence. I was show someone 1 was trying to do the overwhelmed with a moment of truth right thing. The truth was, I was only so crystal clear it defied description. In wanting to want it. My drunken that brief interlude of clarity I came to i episodes were coming more often and understand, with great certainty, that

I went to my first AA meeting in the coholism at the tender age of twentylasting longer. I could finally stop drinking right then spring of 1953. It was a prerequisite one. The hospital experience scared The downward spiral of my life was if 1 really wanted to, and that God to being released from a state hos- the hell out of me, and at my exit inhaving brutal effects on me physically would show me how. All I had to do Cital where I’d spent sixty days for al- terview a wise and compassionate doc-

was ask. I sensed not to worry about the Age and abuse have taken their toll way; it would be revealed to me. There on me, and starting a new life at sixty was a feeling of urgency, but without isn’t easy, but these last years of sobriety panic, to start at once. Then a sweet have been absolutely the best years of calmness swept through me, and I my life. My sponsor got me into service heard my voice saying through the and the Steps immediately, and sometears, “Thank you God . . . at last.” how everything was new again, un- 1 began at once to take action. I had tainted by those years of half measures to taper myself off to avoid the DTs and and failure. Old situations that hauntconvulsions I’d experienced in the past. ed me have been resolved. Loving rela- And while the physical aspects of with- tionships are being renewed. New and drawal were rough, the mental anguish wonderful friends are showing me a new was amazingly less severe this time. dimension of love. I feel for the first During the third day, while almost time in my life that I’m exactly where soher, I had to go to the emergency God wants me to be. Discovering soroom for breathing problems. The next briety is especially sweet since I came so day I called a cab to take me home and close to never knowing it at all. the driver happened to be an A A All this has occurred after thirty-nine member. He became my sponsor that years of bouncing in and out of AA. very evening. Two days later I was able That’s a pretty dismal track record, but to go to a meeting with him and a new I don’t let it diminish the quality or joy life for me began in the program. of my newfound sobriety. I’ve learned I knew from that moment at the the futility of trying to understand what kitchen table that 1 was on to some- I was doing wrong all those years. I do thing wonderful and big and new to me know that most of that time I was in a though I was reluctant at first to share kind of spiritual limbo of just wanting the actual experience with anyone. But to want it, which is nothing more than I never doubted the reality of what had yearning for something better without happened that day, and as time went doing much about it. on, I began to realize the impact it I’m writing in the hope that somewould have on my entire life. one out there who is still struggling will A few weeks into sobriety, about the see this and take heart. I don’t know of time that my binge cycle usually came anyone less likely to get sober than 1 i~round,I awoke one morning to real- was in 1992. But God gave me a gift of izc my compulsion to drink was gone. inspiration and hope, and I know with Thc little clock that had always before certainty he yearns to give the same to stitrted ticking off the time to my next anyone who really wants it and asks for drunk was silenced. I haven’t heard it. It’s never too late for a miracle. it since. Herb R ., Fresno, California