February 1945 May 1945

NEWS CIRCUIT NEWS CIRCUIT

In The Wewpoint,an excellent bi-monthly review A resident of North Little Rock, Arkansas, written by the inmates of the New Jersey State charged with cashing a Federal check, who was Prison in Trenton, a member of the prison’s A.A. placed on temporary probation, after pleading wrote an inspiring article in which he told of the guilty, was placed on two years probation by splendid work being done not only in Trenton Federal Judge Trimble. The defendant joined but in San Quentin, Chini, and Folsom, where A.A. in the meantime and the report made on the authorities are cooperating fully with the his conduct was favourable. “You come of a A.A. groups good family and you committed this crime of illegally cashing the check while drunk,” Judge Trimble admonished the defendant. “In giving you probation I feel that you will take advantage of the advice of these good people who will help you change your entire life for the better.”

‘ i August 1945

A.A. Inspires Formation of The Seekers Prisoners’ Rehabilitation Group In the formation of a unique club, right there before them. They saw some with the San Quentin A.A.s, has given The Seekers, conceived and developed of these A.A.’s – those whose terms were the new club his full approval. by inmates of San Quentin Prison on completed – go out into the world San Quentin is only one of many San Francisco Bay, Alcoholics changed men, buoyant with new hope A.A. groups within prison walls in the Anonymous is the inspiration for a and secure in the knowledge that “out U.S.A. moving story. there” they would find the cooperation Peekskill A.A.s have been The new club, as reported in the and friendship of thousands of other instrumental in forming a group in Walkill press, was originated by a naturally A.A.s. Prison, near Newburg, N.Y. Forty introspective man who, during his first The founder of The Seekers and inmates attended the first meeting…The weeks in prison, came to see himself as like-minded inmates decided that if they first anniversary of the A.A. group in New ,

he really had been – living for himself could get together in the same spirit as Jersey State Prison was celebrated in alone. His spiritual awakening brought A.A., they too, could help themselves June. Warden John L. O’Hara says the the determination to regain his self- and others – and that, like the A.A.s in group has grown from 15 to 103 during respect through service to others. their work with alcoholics. only those who the year…Richard S., who had completed All around him he saw how the had been criminals knew how to make a 40-month term in Leavenworth (Kan.) young inmates teamed up with the the appeal necessary for personality penitentiary, again got into trouble and former “big shots.” To them these change and rehabilitation. was on trial for passing forged checks. gangsters and killers were heroes. He The members of the new club are Learning that while in prison Richard had knew what little chance the youngsters dedicated to pay their debt to society by sold $100,000 in war bonds to fellow had under such influence. He found other salvaging both themselves and all inmates with independent means, inmates who shared his convictions. In newcomers they can encourage to join collected $3,500 for the Red Cross, working out their own lives to a better their group – especially first offenders. received a citation from Secretary purpose they hoped to lead the young in The Seekers hold regular meetings, Morgenthau for his War Bond sales – and the prison to do the same. which begin with personal stories and are that he had lately joined A.A. – the judge, They observed the amazing followed by questions and answers, instead of imprisoning him again, put him accomplishments of the A.A. group in general discussion and summing up. on probation for five years, and San Quentin, which has been thriving for Warden Clinton Duffy, who from cautioned him to stick close to A.A. three years. Men whose crimes were do the start has co-operated wholeheartedly to alcoholism were being rehabilitated

October 1945 November 1945

NEWS CIRCUIT NEWS CIRCUIT

Jacksonville, Fla., A.A.s, their aid enlisted by the In future alcoholics placed on probation in Florida parole commission and prison officials, Ramsey County, Minnesota, will be advised by have gotten a group going in the state prison at Frank Valesh, deputy probation officer, who Raiford. The Jacksonvillians in turn will be aided attended the Yale Summer School of Alcohol by travelling members – those with both tires Studies, to get in touch with A.A. He reports that and gas – from groups in Miami, West Palm 65 per cent of the persons who appear in Beach, Daytona Beach, Fort Lauderdale, probation court in the county are there because Orlando, Pensacola, Sarasota and Tampa of drinking.

The growing Peekskill, N.Y. Group, out- . Observing its first anniversary, the State growth of the flourishing one in White Plains, . Prison, Trenton, N.J., A.A. group notes in the was told by guest speaker, City Judge Thomas current issue of the institutional publication, The C. Macpherson, that courts for the most part Wewpoint, that the membership has grown to consider alcoholics as “sick men and not as 100 during the year, and that the weekly criminals,” that he could see no help for meetings in the prison auditorium “help a man alcoholics by sending them to jail, and that “A.A. to step out of maximum security into a society is doing a splendid job by providing the law of maximum liberty with the assurance that he enforcing agencies and the penal institutions will complete his parole and take his place in with such an organization”… society.

About a year ago an A.A. woman of the Manhattan Group, while doing volunteer war service, met a non-alcoholic woman who spoke of the dire necessity for helping women alcoholics in the Clinton (N.J.) Reformatory for women. As a result of their conversation, a group now functions in the reformatory.

January 1946 January 1946

Judcre Gives A.A. Sentence NEWS CIRCUIT

Boston, Mass.. American: ‘Hearty Speaking at the first anniversary gathering of endorsement of the work accomplished by the Peekskill, N.Y., Group, Rev. Mr. Mckinney, Alcoholics Anonymous was given by Judge chaplain of the Walkill Prison, told of the fine Stone today in disposing of a drunkenness case A.A. work being done by the inmate members. in East Cambridge court. The defendant was a 41-year-old Cambridge man who pleaded guilty after his wife told the court he was a good husband and a good provider except when drink The secretary of the Leavenworth Prison got the best of him. ‘I am going to give you a A.A.s reports that their group, formed in April, one-month sentence and suspend it,’ Judge 1945, now has 55 members, and that “it has Stone said,’and recommend that you investigate been said by officials that the group is the most Alcoholics Anonymous in Boston. I have heard constructive movement in the institution, and we that this organization has accomplished much are proud of our record.” good….I wish you luck.”‘

March 1946 April 1946

NEWS CIRCUIT A.A.s Aid Washington Judge

Because oA the success of the A.A. group in During February, the Washington, D.C., Post carried a San Quentin prison, the Superintendent of the story on its front page to the effect that Alcoholics Anonymous Iowa State Penitentiary at Fort Madison have “salvaged” all but two of 35 drunk case defendants indicated in the Presidio (prison publication) referred to them by a municipal judge since the beginning of that he would like to see a group started in that the year. institution. Following this lead, A.A.s of Des According to the newspaper account, two members of Moines are getting busy on the project. the Washington Group spend six mornings a week in court conferring with the prospects. They serve in answer to the request of the judge, who averred that he felt discouraged with present methods of dealing with alcoholics. Further testimony of increasing The judge refers only those cases whom he considers recognition ,among non-alcoholics that worthy of A.A. guidance, asking them to step aside for alcoholism is a’ disease comes from New interviews. He recommends a system of “screening” such Jersey’s Essex County where a new treatment defendants, to avoid court appearances in many cases, and for rehabilitation of alcoholics in the Essex has urged a meeting of civic leaders for discussion of the County Penitentiary is in progress. Warden handling of drunks and revision of the laws now governing Read said that in line with progressive methods disposition of their ca$es. of handling inmates, alcoholics are segregated from other inmates. Alcoholics will be examined each day by the prison psychiatrist and records kept pertaining to the prisoners’ psychological and physical make-up, he said. A probation officer will endeavor to bring released alcoholics in contact with the nearest A.A. group.

May 1946

NEWS CIRCUIT

A state’s attorney attended an A.A. meeting in Lyndonville, Vt., last month and was much interested in what he heard. The meeting was held by the Montpelier and the St. Johnsbury groups as a first venture in that town. The state’s attorney participated in the open discussion, indicating deep interest in the age and type of men and women who are finding a new way of living through A.A. At the conclusion of the session he gave the group the names of two men in jail at the time as prospects for 12th stepping. Further, he asked for a list of A.A. groups in Vermont to use in sending a personal letter to the other 13 state attorneys in which he would suggest that A.A. be contacted on alcoholic cases.

May 1946

They’re Good Soldiers Now From St. Louis Through a careful system of continment, with its ac~ompan~ingtrials The undersigned A.A. Group, the screening (to avoid getting the straight, and tribulations, is made worthwhile just Wilson Club Branch of Alcoholics uncomplicated alcoholics cases confused because they have had this opportunity Anonymous of Greater St. Louis, Mo., with those who were not only alcoholics to find A.A. has been requested by one of it’s but had some additional psychiatric The J.B. A.A.s are gradually being “offspring” groups to forward to you a disorder), the military psychiatrists and discharged from the Service and going brief history. the chaplain found out which men were home with an asset in one hand and a In existence since March, 1945, it sincerely interested in A.A. – and thus the distinct liability in the other. The asset, of is known as the Jefferson Barracks group came into existence. Of course, course, is their membership in A.A. – the Group. Situated at the United States liability is a dishonourable discharge. the two primary prerequisites were those Disciplinary Barracks, Jefferson Barracks, familiar to all A.A.s – The men had to be The men have been inclined to . Mo., is probably the first A.A. worry over their possible reception at alcoholics and they had to be not only organization set up in a military conscious of the fact but willing to admit their home chapters of A.A. Not wishing installation and it has done remarkably it and their desire to straighten out their to hide anything, they cannot help but well. Since its inception when there were feel that possibly they will be shunned a lives. a mere half-dozen members, it has The Jefferson Barracks A.A.s hold little because of their past military status. grown to the present enrollment of 25 weekly meetings in the chapel at the The club members have talked to the men, all of whom are general prisoners – U.S.D.B., and these meetings are usually individuals of this U.S.D.B. Group and soldiers in confinement. have tried to assure them that they haye_attended by representatives from the A years ago Chaplain Keiper “mother” chapter. The men conduct the nothing to fear along these lines. As a called Alcoholics Anonymous to find “if meetings themselves, with the chaplain matter of fact, had not most of us been anything could be done for those boys.” attending meetings in capacity of friend above the draft age during this last world The Chaplain in turn took the and advisor. Once a month the fracas, we ourselves might well be in matter up with the U.S.D.B. commandant procedure is reversed and the entire J.B. their midst. who was sympathetic to the proposed group comes into St. Louis in a G.I. bus We all know that John Barleycorn formation of an A.A. group under his to attend the monthly “overall” meeting. respects no laws or regulations – even command. Both officers promised their We are proud to report that these soldier army regulations! An alcoholic can whole-hearted cooperation and enlisted members, all of whom are in their become “A.W.O.L.” at the bat of an the aid of the U.S.D.B. psychiatric staff, present difficulties as a sole and direct eyelash! the latter being thoroughly familiar with result of their alcoholism, have grasped The J.B. members, having the case histories of the soldiers in the program exceedingly well and to a become familiar with The Grapevine, confinement. man they seem to feel that their present thought that since it was undoubtedly the 7

most nationally read A.A. publication, printed word of their “plight” would serve to acquaint their home town organizations with the problem, and thus ease their burden of explanation when they get home and become active members there – for life. The Club concurs with them, and hence this letter. We hope you subscribe to our idea of making the future as simple as possible for this group of fellow-A.A.s by publishing it. – EKM., The Wilson Club Branch, A.A. of Greater St. Louis

July 1946 October 1946

A.A. Digest

The Eye-opener, Los Angeles, Calif.: “Through Dayton, Ohio, News: “City approval the aid and eager cooperation of Judge John J. Tuesday was given a request of the Dayton Ford, with Probation Officer W.W. Lord, a really chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous to aid in the outstanding experiment has been tried. treatment of a man sentenced to the workhouse “In six weeks’ time, 81 alcoholics were for a three year term as a habitual drunkard. released on waiver without appearing in court. “The approval came from the city parole They had made no promises but only had board after a member of A.A. outlined his plan indicated a real interest in A.A., and in the to help restore the man to the position of a judgment of the A.A. member there at the time useful citizen. were worth taking a chance with. “The man will be permitted to attend the “Upon hitting the street they were told regular meetings of the organization but will be more about A.A. and then directed to the first confined to the workhouse at other times during available meeting. However, they were also told his sentence.” they were not on probation and were under no compulsion by the law to have anything more to do with A.A. The decision was theirs to make. “Sixty-four have been sober for periods ranging from a few days to six weeks; seventeen fell by the wayside almost at once…So far these first ones have brought 19 others into the meetings to find out what A.A. is all about….”

November 1946 January 1947

NEWS CIRCUIT THE CLIP SHEET

Two Freedoms. Of 40 members of the San Quentin, Calif., News (California A.A. Group at the Federal Penitentiary at State Prison): “Modern penal advances have Leavenworth, Kans., who have been released brought recognition of alcoholism in its true light either by expiration of their term or parole, none as a sickness or an element of sickness. A has returned to the prison, although all complete cure in all cases rests beyond the members of this Group credit their imprisonment boundaries of science and yet, paradoxically, to trouble caused directly or indirectly by the base of the cure is known. It lies in the alcoholism. Members of the Kansas City, Mo., individual himself. Group held a meeting at the prison April 22, “San Quentin has taken definite strides 1945, after obtaining sanction of the prison toward aiding the alcoholically afflicted through officials. From the original five, the attendance a more sympathetic approach to them, at the first anniversary meeting reached 61 with understanding and a genuine desire to help the present figure at 80, including 15 one-year them. The institutions program begins when a members. From time to time members have man enters the Guidance Center, continues been transferred to the “honor farm” and at during his period in San Quentin through the request of 10 members, permission was given psychiatric department and other media, and is to start a group there on August 25, 1946. extended to the period of parole authorities. Programs stress the 24-hour plan and remind “An important contributions in the fight on members to take it easy and to remember the alcoholism in the battle of man to help man, is . importance of immediate A.A. contact with their made by the inmates themselves through the local groups which will help them to start a new, fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Here a sober, sane existence on release. Two man can get help from others, who, too, are members of the Kansas City, Mo., Group attend striving to become well. each meeting and usually give short talks. But “Alcoholics Anonymous may not be the the inmates have their own secretary, are in sole answer, either in San Quentin or on the charge of the meetings, and have the major part outside, but through its efforts a man in prison of the program. Books, literature and finds the things he needs most: understanding subscriptions to the Grapevine are furnished by and friendship and most of the answers to the Kansas City Group. ‘Why?”‘

February 1947 January 1947 Prison and Welfare Magazines MAIL CALL Carry Articles on /LAd Freedom in Prison Two articles on Alcoholics Anonymous have appeared in recent magazines. From San Quentrh “Here’s Looking at You!” appeared in The (Excerpts from a letter received by an New Era, a magazine devoted to developing a A.A. from a prisoner in San Quentin whom he better understanding between the prisoner and had befriended by mail.) society, while the other, “Some Aspects of A.A.” ………..It is so nice to realize that I am not was written by a member of the Indianapolis standing alone. For a long time I thought the Group and appears in the fall issue of Public world was against me when I was really bucking Welfare in lndiana. the world. It took a long time and a lot of hard The first begins: “The infant has matured. knocks to bring me to the understanding of The Leavenworth (Kansas, Federal Prison) “Things are not as we see them but as we are.” Group of Alcoholics Anonymous has discarded The past 26 months have been kind to its swaddling clothes to become a formidable me. 1 have enjoyed many good breaks but the factor in the reclamation program of the huge greatest break I have ever had came when I penitentiary. Eighty former tipplers, men who really became a part of the A.A. program and have run the gamut of riotous living to suffer through it, became acquainted with God and social obscurity and prison sentences have now some of his greatest creations – friends, who dedicated themselves to the Herculean task of gladly forgive and count future possibilities as ‘lifting the face’ permanently off the bar room greater then past performances. floor.” I can truly say life began at 40 for me. This statement by the secretary is Since that time I have enjoyed more of life than followed by an endorsement by Dr. Manly B. ever before. And, believe it or not, I have been Root, prison psychiatrist, who says, “It is just as far from unhappy, even through in prison. And, well that you don’t concern yourself with why why shouldn’t I be happy? I have good health, you are alcoholics, but recognize your affliction a love for and a desire to help others and I am as a fact and seek to adjust your lives surrounded with opportunities to exercise them. accordingly.” This is followed by a half dozen I have more freedom than millions who have statements from members and an explanation never been behind bars, and though I possess by prison authorities that they have maintained only a few dollars, I am richer by far than many a “hands-off” policy. who possess millions. The second article explains A.A. and how If things work out, as I have hopes that it functions, with emphasis on creating better they will, I will pay you a little visit before too understanding on the part of laymen. many more months. –L.T.

March 1947 March 1947

THE CLIP SHEET Prison P/an Successfu!

Nashville, Tenn., Banner “A plan that would A year ago a member of the Glen Ridge, permit the General Sessions Court and N.J., Group organized a plan of rehabilitation for Davidson County to treat alcoholism as ‘the alcoholics in cooperation with Warden D. disease which it is’ instead of a moral issue Knowlton Read of Essex County Penitentiary at which holds that every intoxicated person is Caldwell, N.J., with the recovery of many men steeped in sin, was proposed today by Judge and women resulting. Warden Read is a strong Henry E. Todd. supporter of A.A. and went all out for the “Most radical, for Davidson County, was program which began by segregating alcoholics Judge Todd’s plan to have at least eight beds from the criminal element by placing them in as a starter set aside in some hospital for such separate tiers. This was followed by a screening alcoholics who are sent there by General to determine those receptive to the A.A. Sessions judges, instead of bundling them off to program, then interviews with those ready to the work-house or imposing fines.” begin the A.A. program. After many weeks, the inmate, if he is advanced to the point where adjustment is assured, has his case presented by an A.A. before the judge who committed him and his release is sought.

April 1947 May 1947

NEWS CIRCUIT

– “A.A. Inside.” The tenth anniversary – Growing Up Fast Last month the Walkill, N.Y. publication of The Clanon published at the Prison Group celebrated its second anniversary California Institution for Women, Tehachapi, with more than 50 members as compared to the Cal., carries the name of D.G. as editor and one handful who began the work. This is an inmate of the articles “A.A. Inside” tells of the story of group, the first of its kind to become active in A.A. in institutions in that state since the first the State Department of Correction which group was formed at San Quentin in 1942. The includes all prisons and reformatories. Members group at Tehachapi started in 1945, according have expressed their thanks for the interest of to the article, which says in part, “Parole officers the warden, Dr. Walter M. Wallack and his are most enthusiastic in their reports of the sponsoring committee as well as the visitors success of A.A. members on parole. After four from outside groups, many of whom have years of concentrated effort, it has been proven conducted meetings. The Walkill Group is proud that the percentage of violation among A.A. of the fact that 70 percent of A.A. members members throughout the country is less than leaving the institution have become active outtwo percent. We, of course, have not had as side and are making good records. “We are many people paroled, who had worked at the happy to know that on leaving here we will be program, as the groups who had been working welcomed into A.A. groups on the outside. With a longer time. However, there are now several this knowledge we can face the future unafraid,” members in the community. So far our record is the report concludes. 100 percent. Believing that A.A. is of no value unless it goes through the portals we have worked to that end. The moral psychological program worked on our inner selves has resulted in the overcoming of complexes, fears, resentments and self-pity.”

May 1947 May 1947

CLlP SHEET CLlP SHEET Detroit, Mich., Free Press: ‘ A fine step in Washington, D.C., SW1’JudgeWalter J. practical rehabilitation has been taken by Casey of the Municipal Court, in an article Alcoholics Anonymous who are holding regular entitled, ‘A Judge’s View of Alcoholism,’ says: Sunday meetings at the House of Correction. “We have insisted upon treating the alcoholic as They started the meetings for men only, now a criminal, and we have subjected him to plan another series for women. From 40 to 50 penalties as severe as those imposed upon inmates attend. A.A. hopes to break the circle of offenders whose acts are vicious in character a stay in the House, return to Skid Row, and and antisocial in nature – deliberate law back to the House again.” breakers. If the alcoholic is a sick person, as I believe him to be, common sense dictates that his restoration to health should be the responsibility of those who, by training and experience, are equipped to handle the problem from the time it is placed in their hands. Therapies have been devised through the years of study and patient experimentation which today are considered sound by recognized authorities in this field. Punitive measures are being discarded and the workhouse and jails . abandoned as corrective institutions in the handling of the problem.”

June 1947 June 1947

NEWS CLIPS NEWS CIRCUIT

– In Kansas City More than twenty groups have lnstitution Feels A.A. Effect An article, “Five been started by Kansas City A.A.s, including Years of Progress,” published in The Clanon of two at the Federal Penitentiary at Leavenworth, California Institution for Women, says: “In Kans. Recently 40 of he 68 members and 11 December, 1945, the initial meeting was held of visitors from Kansas City groups helped observe Alcoholics Anonymous with a membership of the second anniversary at Leavenworth. This 15. That group has now grown to 120 with group has grown from five members under the regular meetings every Monday and open Kansas City sponsorship which has provided meetings with outside groups the first Sunday of books, literature and subscriptions to The A.A. each month. The entire campus has felt the Grapevine. At the request of members who had effect of this A.A. program for a better way of been transferred to the honor farm a group was living.” In another part of the anniversary started there last August. Two members of the publication is an account of the visit of an A.A. Kansas City Group attend each of the weekly Group from North Hollywood which concludes, meetings. Less than 10 percent of the 80 “Live one day at a time. Be selfish to the extent members who have been released since the that you let nothing come between you and your group started have been returned to the sobriety. Outside influences cannot effect you if penitentiary or are known to have encountered you build from the inside out.” legal or alcoholic difficulties. This figure is substantially lower than the percentage of the entire number of men released from the penitentiary.

August 1947 August 1947

NEWS CIRCUIT

– Prison Group Gets Hope From the Attica, – Last Chance Group From The Eye Openerof N.Y. State Prison an A.A. member writes as Los Angeles, Calif., comes the following follows: “A new venture has come to Attica account: “One day the writer went to Llncoln Prison; its members, inmates whose shorting of Heights Jail with J.L.V. to carry the message of their days of liberty to a great extent can be A.A. to the women there. Although they listened placed on alcohol and who seek recovery; its intently I seemed to sense an unexpected object – to prove to these same men that A.A. reaction from them which said, “This is all very knows them. The standards are high but there well, but what about me? I am here now. I have are specific steps to remedy the terrible no clothes, no money, no friends.’ Driving home situation of the prison alcoholic. Thanks to the the nagging thoughts persisted. Could anything warden, Dr. Walter 0. Martin, various members be done to complement the splendid work J.L.V. of A.A. visit each Thursday for an hour with the is doing? An idea took shape. Could a group of men, who now number 20, a nucleus expected alcoholic women be formed whose main activity to increase. Thus far 14 meetings have been would be to make personal calls in Lincoln held. The hopes of the Attica Prison Group lie Heights, the hospitals and institutionsto sponsor today with the methods of A.A. We are helpless a girl before her release so that when she without them. The observer can be certain of regains her freedom her outlook is toward A.A. one thing. A.A. is here to stay. Appreciation for with its abundant living instead of toward the these A.A.s who spend their valuable time with first bar? The idea materialized into a new walled-in alcoholics is very great. May this group for women alcoholics – the Last Chance group, who are attempting to lead prison Group. It has met with outstanding success so alcoholics away from alcoholism, see their far.” efforts rewarded.”

August 1947 .”* ‘ NEWS CIRCUIT July 1947

– Inside Prison Walls From Walkill, N.Y. State CLlP SHEET Prison The A.A. Grapevine’s correspondent writes: “The average A.A. member may be Washington, D.C., mes-Herald “High praise interested to learn how A.A. can flourish and was paid in Municipal Court yesterday to the grow in prison. At Walkill we have the whole- District Jail’s Infirmary and Alcoholics hearted cooperation of the clergy, the warden Anonymous by Judge Casey when he observed and his staff in our work, but it is the task of the what he termed ‘the remarkable change’ in three inmate members to obtain inmate speakers. At prosperous looking businessmen brought to him first glance it may seem difficult to the outsider for sentence after one week of the infirmary’s for us to contact men willing to tell their story drying out treatment. Judge Casey attributed the before the group. The public, perhaps, thinks of changes to the ‘marvellous job’ done during the men in prison as being cynical and intolerant one week’s treatment period and to A.A. which and it is likely that at one time these men had came to the men’s aid during the week. ‘Now it’s those characteristics. However, for most, that is up to you and A.A.,’ the judge said in giving a thing of the past, due to the A.A. program. them one year’s probation.” Each speaker, as he unfolds his life story, is listened to attentively by all and there is no scoffing as one might expect from an audience August 1947 of inmates. As the listeners note the changes that have come over men who have made frank CLlP SHEET admission of their faults they are encouraged to speak also. These men see that the speakers Washington, D.C., nines-Herald “Rehabilitation are not looking for sympathy but are gaining of chronic alcoholics through the therapy of courage through A.A. to face life again when Alcoholics Anonymous was 61% successful in they are released. They have come to the cases referred to that organization last year by realization that there is nothing they can do the Municipal Court, Judge Walter J. Casey about the past but there is much they can do in testified before a Congressional subcommittee the future. The program committee, consisting today. During the first part of this year, the of 10 members and a chairman, acts as a success of this program has increased to 85%, contact in arranging for inmate speakers and he said.” our programs have never been lacking for material.”

.p”, , October 1947 October 1947 The Clip Sheet NEWS CIRCUIT Saugerties, N.Y., Telegraph: ‘Results of Into Another Prison – Firmly convinced “A.A. establishing an Alcoholics Anonymous chapter has come to stay” at Stillwater, Minn., Prison, at Walkill Prison, Ulster County, have been so our reporter there says the first meeting of eight successful, according to State Commissioner members were held recently under the John A. Lyons, that he favors extending A.A. to sponsorship of Warden L.F. Utrecht and the the rest of the prisons of the state. The Wallkill guidance of members of the Midwest Council on chapter was started more than two years ago at Alcoholism, Inc. By the time the third meeting the suggestion of Dr. Walter M. Wallack, was held there were 17 members and several warden, formerly of Albany. With Commissioner more applications on file. Meetings are every Lyons’ approval, Dr. Wallack asked the two Saturday afternoon from 1:30 to 3:30 with A.A.s prison chaplains to discuss with inmates the from Minneapolis, St. Paul and Stillwater in idea of forming the chapter. In the beginning charge. The fourth Saturday meeting will be about a dozen men attended the meetings conducted by inmates. We are not proud of our regularly. Now there are 90, about a fifth of the status as a prison group,” the reporter writes, prison population.” “but we are extremely grateful to the warden and the outside groups who have made and will continue to make these meetings possible. Physically and mentally there is little to distinguish between the alcoholic who occupies . a cell and the one in the penthouse. Each is a sick man, each must meet and master the same tragic reality – he can’t take that first drink. Of course, the alcoholic in prison can’t get his first drink but that doesn’t eliminate his craving, nor his desire to get drunk and shut out the reality be must face each day, not the fear that is constantly with him – “can I leave it alone once I get out? We sincerely believe that A.A. philosophy is the answer to his problem.” The group hopes to publish its own paper soon. Its fiyst’ printed matter is an attractively gotten-up commemoration of the first meeting.

October 1947 October 1947

NEWS CIRCUIT News Circuit

– Prisoners Publish Paper Active since March – Prison Group Grows The first session of the 1 the group at the Federal Correctional A.A. Group at Montana State Hospital, Warm Institution, Sandstone, Minn., has been allowed Springs, Mont., had only three members but to publish The A.A. Usitortwice a month. The there are now 40. The hospital secretary who pamphlet features editorials which have been conducted the first meetings reports he has now widely quoted. Begun through the cooperation turned the programs over to the inmates themof the Minneapolis Group and Warden C.W. selves and that they are as “sincere a bunch of Humphry, the group has followed a program fellows as I’ve met from Chicago to San fashioned after the set-up at San Quentin. Francisco at A.A. meetings.” There is a beginners1 class on Monday and Wednesday evenings and a meeting on Sunday which is attended by a visiting group from Minneapolis, St. Paul, Superior, or Duluth.

October 1947

Mail Call

Sincerity Impresses Prisoners (Editor’s Note: The following letter was written by a prisoner, a member of the Riker’s Island Group, New York City.) – — After my-perusal of A.A. literature and hey know the score, making it a- perfectly operates the universe of which with the 12 suggested Steps of Recovery double positive that I am an alcoholic he is a subordinate; hence the ego must and considering my compulsory sobriety, screwball with no control of myself after accept and be submissive to some (or perhaps I have found the way to the first drink. It is here that A.A. Power, something he or she respects, let genuine sobriety, who knows!) the desire membership fills a need, by proving to it be the sun, the moon, the stars or for sobriety is there as it has been with good-time Charlie that he can have fun nature as a whole in evolution, whatever most of us alcoholics time and time with his own kind without being “gassed.” you have faith in, but it must be again. However I realize that I must have The A.A. discussions bring out the something you respect. help from another source in addition to subtle schemesan alcoholic uses to g e t I believe this mental approach myself, for the flesh is weak and I shall his or her drinks, and they are no more erases the “Great-l-am-able-to-take-thefail. original than the alibis or reasons we first-drink-and-handle-it” attitude. It is interesting to listen to the give for getting plastered, when we know A.A.’s humble and open, free and frank beforehand that we can’t handle it confessions, which are both humorous properly. The proof is the many times I and sad, for it reminds the listener or his and untold others have tried again and or her experience, for if you have up to again, always ending up behind the this time thought that you were just a eight-ball in one way or other. The only periodical drunkard you are convinced solace and a mighty poor one was that 1 that you are an alcoholic and that there am not the only one – that there were is no such thing as a periodical. A drunkards from the beginning when man periodical perhaps suffers more mentally found that there was a kick in “alky.” than physically, and he sincerely The informal methods of A.A. on promises himself and others who are the subject of drink gives to the neophyte near and dear to him “never again,” only a conviction that he is among his own to flop, each time a little harder. kind, people who speak his language and After listening to the various are his friends in his sincere effort to experiences of A.A. members I feel like attain sobriety. In addition he is left free one of them, for they speak my language to interpret the Supreme Power that

December 1947 December 1947

NEWS CIRCUIT NEWS CIRCUIT

– Houston Judge Helps Through the influence – Sponsor Prison Group The Springfield, Mo., of a prominent Houston, Texas city court judge, Group has been sponsoring an A.A. meeting at a new building has been erected at the penal the federal prison in that city for more than three farm where old offenders are placed and held in months. The prison, known as the U.S. Medical a clean, sanitary abode until they are released Center, has inmates here for treatment from all and returned to the city, where A.A. and other over the U.S. and many have had previous organizations can aid them. The judge, who experience with A.A. Notice of the first meeting spoke at a recent meeting of the Suburban carried in The Pnson News brought dozens of Group, deplored conditions and treatment and applications to attend. However, Warden Pescot said many could be restored to useful and Educational Director Bowman carefully citizenship. The executive secretary for the screened the applicants and allowed only eight, Houston Committee for Education on Alcoholism of whom five had had previous A.A. experience, followed the judge to cite the work being done to come. Meetings are held at 6 o’clock on the for the establishment of an alcoholic clinic and first and third Tuesdays of each month with at the contacts now being made with all Houston least two members from the Springfield Group hospitals to accept alcoholics as such and attending and with at least one new man going render the necessary treatment. It is hoped the each time. civic authorities, the committee and the four local A.A. Groups will cooperate to remedy conditions.

December 1947 December 1947 Prison Group a Year Old NEWS CIRCUIT From Sa/t Lake Ci& Utah The first anniversaty meeting of the Golden Key Chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous – Open Meeting at San Quentin The third proved strange, surprising and interesting. quarterly open meeting of the group at Strange because the 50 members of the California State Prison, San Quentin, recently Golden Key Group are inmates of the Utah was attended by 109 members from the Bay State Prison, and it was there in the prison’s Area Groups in addition to 80 members of the old, second-story chapel the members group in the prison. A.A.s from San Francisco, assembled. It was surprising because of all Oakland, Alameda, Richmond, Vallejo, Santa places where sincerity would be so seldom Rosa, San Rafael, Burlingame, San Mateo, Palo expected, there it prevailed. Interestingbecause Alto, Pittsburg and Redwood City were among it produced true stories of men who ignored invited guests. The general session was pride and pretense in realizing and confessing devoted to discussions by both men and women their shortcomings. They discovered that in A.A.s and non-alcoholic visitors. Dr. D.G. being unlike the man who measures success in Schmidt, acting medical officer at San Quentin, worldly attainments, they asserted an even spoke from the point of view of a psychiatrist greater strength in being humble. while Warden Clinton T. Duffy, long a supporter Of 13 guests invited, ten were fellow- of A.A., and Associate Warden D.C. Rig and members of the A.A. brotherhood from Salt H.O. Tees were also invited to speak. The San Lake City and Ogden and three were state Quentin News, prison newspaper, carried an advance news story and an editorial praising . officials, Warden John E. Harris, Deputy Warden VanFleet and Dr. Leslie D. Burbridge, and explaining A.A. a member of the Utah State Board of Corrections. The officials, before attending the meeting, had gone over figures which showed that out of the 15 A.A. members paroled from the institution since the Chapter had been formed, none had violated the conditions of their parole agreements. In leaving the meeting, they probably had evidence less tangible but more convincing than that which can be printed. – W.W.

December 1947 December 1947

NEWS CIRCUIT

– Judge Advises Joining A.A. Two men before – Prison Group Planned A.A.s of Santa Fe, N.M., recently proposed to officials of the state North Adams, Mass., district court on drunkenness charges were advised to join A.A. penitentiary that a group be formed there in the by Special Justice William A. OIHern recently in near future. A.A. officers met with inmates an action which is believed by members of the recently and distributed literature in Spanish and Pittsfield Group to set a precedent for English and asked those interested to consider Massachusetts and perhaps for the country. forming a group. Stating that the commonwealth classifies drunkenness as a crime and does little or nothing to bring about rehabilitation, Judge OIHern said he feels that it is a disease and “we should begin to do something about it.” The judge continued one case for a year by saying, “I had little faith in A.A. when it was first organized but I have watched the growth of this organization and I know some of its splendid accomplishments. I feel that today it perhaps offers the greatest opportunity in overcoming this terrible curse.” The Pittfield Group, which includes members from North Adams is following through on this by planning a big open meeting at the Hotel Richmond in North Adams soon. With the splendid cooperation of he local radio and press it is hoped that this will be successful and result in the formation of a North Adams Group.

January 1948 January 1948

A.A. Biaest NEWS CIRCUIT

A/ky Argot, Wisconsin State Prison. – “It – Institute Shows Results Effects of the recent seems to me that we must love ourselves not lnstitute held at the University of California at as a master but more as a servant. If we have Berkeley, Cal., are already beginning to be felt accepted the 3rd Step we find the key to the in the San Francisco Bay Area and the Bay self-centered evil in our lives. Using this key is Area Groups are very happy bver it. Two municipal court judges have come out recently a permanent life-time protection against ending up in a bouquet of table flowers. We are now with public statements regarding the “drunk working for the betterment of ourselves with an problem, one of them, Municipal Judge Twain ally whose advice is medicine for the soul. Now Michelsen of San Francisco saying “eighty per we can be free by breaking the vicious circle of cent of the county jail population consists of our egocentricity and substituting a new nucleus inebriates.” Judge Michelsen said he fully in His all-embracing love.” intended to free all men brought before him on drunkenness charges, unless they seemed in need of medical care. In this way, he said, he hoped to focus public attention on the problem. He reached his decision after a tour of the “drunk tanks” in San Francisco police stations on which he was accompanied by the executive secretary of the San Francisco Committee for Education on Alcoholism. Judge Christ B. Fox of the Oakland Municipal Court is turning the consideration of the problem of drunks appearing before him over to two probation officers, one of whom spent last summer at the summer session of the Yale clinic. Judge Fox said that while he cannot sentence men to A.A. he can at least guide their footsteps that way…

February 1948 February 1948

NEWS CIRCUIT NEWS CIRCUIT

Building on the foundation laid some What Newspapers Say – Discussing the months ago by J.M., Sioux Falls, S.D., attorney, flourishing branch of A.A. in the State Prison at a group has been formed in the South Dakota Waupun, Wis., of which John H. Woodhouse of State Penitentiary at Sioux Falls. J.M. was aided the prison record office has been adviser, the by F.O., an inmate of the prison. Address is the Mlwaukee Tribune concludes in an editorial, South Dakota Penitentiary Chapter of A.A., Box “A.A. at the Prison,” that A.A. is an excellent 91 1, Sioux Falls, S.D. form of group therapy and that “perhaps there is a clue to the direction we should take in the success of A.A. at the prison. It is at least worth thinking about.”

March 1948 April 1948

NEWS CIRCUIT NEWS CIRCUIT

– Prison Librarian Helps Due to the constant – New Group in Federal Prison A new A.A. turn-over of patients in the institution, the Group was recently formed at the Federal Wilmar, Minn., A.A. Group at the state hospital Prison, McNeil Island, Puget Sound. Meetings in that city has found it necessary to have are held every Wednesday night with two someone who will keep complete records of members from the Tacoma Group in membership and advancement and to help in attendance. securing educational data and maintain a Liquor has been responsible for the current and permanent file on group matters. imprisonment of many on McNeil Island, and Mrs. Eleanor Johnson, hospital librarian, has A.A. offers new vistas of courage, hope and accepted the task along with the title of security on their release. Many are attending the honourary chairman of the group. meetings regularly, digesting the A.A. literature and the Big Book. These boys have an understanding friend and sympathetic counselor in the chief medical officer, who while not an alcoholic has seen the results of A.A. throughout the country and is in complete accord with the Program. Near Fort Lewis the state of Washington has an “Honor Farm” where prisoners are . brought from Walla Walla. Many of these trustees are in A.A. and are not neglecting their weekly meetings while in this camp. Several of the Tacoma Group have attended these meetings and have found them interesting and refreshing. Two men recently released have jobs, attend the meetings and are doing a good job as A.A. members.

April 1948

THE CLIPSHEET

Sentenced to A.A.

rhe drunkard, ne ordered, must +—

Westport, Conn., Herald: A sentence This is a little court but into it can was imposed in Town Court this week by once more become a member of come problems of great importance, and Judge Leo Nevas that deserves more Alcoholics Anonymous. She must report this was one of them. Other courts might than local attention. to the Yale Clinic for treatment. She must well emulate the example set by Judge A chronic alcoholic who is a keep in close contact with her own Nevas. Other courts, too, might well solitary drinker was before the bench. physician. She must report to the watch how this case turns out. It should Such cases have been there before, probation officer weekly. Should she fail be of interest to everyone. leaving the judge and prosecutor worried to do these things she must go to jail And the case plus the decision because the state has no hospital to even though Judge Nevas knows well emphasizes anew the need for a statewhich the habitual drunkard can be sent that a term there will do her no good operated clinic in Fairfield County set up for treatment. Although medicine and unless it should frighten her to do the properly for the treatment of habitual . jurisprudence are today looking upon things he has ordered. drunkards. There seems to be no other these cases as sick people rather than This sentence was imposed in the way to help them. as only inebriates, nothing official has hope that the woman wants to help been done to cure them. herself. If she doesn’t, none of the The court cannot overlook the suggestions will help. Alcoholics offenses when the drinkers become Anonymous, with its increasing record of public nuisances, which the case of this aid to drinkers, can accomplish nothing week definitely is. But the fines do no without the determinedcooperation of the good and jail sentences too often patient. It is unlikely that the Yale Clinic aggravate the mental illness which can help those who refuse to help makes a man or woman a drunkard. themselves. What can the court do? Judge Nevas, however, was Judge Nevas decided. He willing to believe the woman’s insistence imposed a jail sentence but suspended it that she did not want to drink and would on certain conditions. These conditions do anything to stop the habit. If she really are what make his decision important. means that, the clinic will probably turn her back to society completely cured.

May 1948

News Circuit

– Better Than Commuting Two dejected the occasion. With the full blessing of the inmates of La Tuna Federal Prison, just warden, parole board and the prison outside of El Paso, Texas, whose chaplain, the new La Tuna Group was constant bouts with the jug had finally launched with 26 prisoners attending, landed them shaking behind bars, one and eight members of the El Paso Group day discussed A.A., something vague sitting in as organizers and general and intangible to them, but yet a possible informants. A second meeting held a ray of light in what had become total week later brought one additional darkness. Calling upon a member of the member into the fold, and today the La prison parole board, the pair asked if it Tuna Group is well on its way to were possible to contact A.A. and becoming an effective and determined perhaps find a solution to their problem. organization. It is the second major piece “I’ve tried everything,” admitted one, “and of 12th Step work done by the El Paso anything would be better than commuting Group, which numbers approximately 60 between the prison cell and the bars.” members, and which has been in Moved by the earnestness and sincerity existence for two and one-half years. A of the two men, and gratified that there Spanish speaking group was started a were men in the prison who sought to short time ago among members of that improve their lives, the board member race who found it difficult to discuss their immediately dispatched word to the El problems and capture the spirit of A.A. Paso Group. Here was a real opportunity with English speaking members. for 12th Step work, and the group rose to

May 1948

NEWS CIRCUIT

– Judge Lauds A.A. Warm commend- organization. When the person referred ation of the work of the Richmond Group followed our advice and contacted the is given by Judge J. Hoge Hicks of the organization, he was invariably helped. Juvenile and Domestic Relations Court, However, we discovered that many of Richmond, Va. In his annual report he those referred did not go to the A.A. stated: “The court has tried for years to meetings. In recent months members of find an answer to the liquor problem. To the A.A. group have been attending court this end it has used probation, good three days a week when domestic behavior bonds, treatment in the various relations cases are heard. They are state and local hospitals, suspended ready to give information concerning the sentences, confinement in the city jail A.A. and its activities to any man or and state farm, all with little success. The woman who indicates a desire to stop one ray of hope in this dark picture is drinking, and they extend a cordial seen in the splendid activity and fine invitation to such persons to participate. cooperation of Alcoholics Anonymous, a Many individuals who have been before group of citizens who have found an this court time and again for drunkenness effective method of dealing with this in past years are now keeping sober and problem. About two years ago, the court have been rehabilitated in their homes.” began referring cases to this

June 1948

NEWS CIRCUIT

Officials “Sold”- Officials of Santa Clara County, Calif. are “sold” on Alcoholics Anonymous. So firmly do they believe in the group therapy offered by A.A. that Judges, the Sheriff and the District Attorney have agreed to the use of the County Jail Farm and the County Hospital for rehabilitation of those who cannot afford hospitalization or treatment in private institution. Alcoholics who have hit “bottom” and desperately need care and confinement may approach a group committee and make known their need for confinement. If the screening committee believes them to be sincere, he cases are turned over to a “contact man” for the four San Jose, Calif. groups. He in turn notifies the District Attorney and applicants are sent to the “farm” without submitting to legal red tape. Should the alcoholic require hospitalization he may be transferred from the Jail Farm to the County Hospital for treatment. Facilities at both County institutions are excellent. The plan is now in operation and Alcoholics Anonymous members as well as officials of the county regard it as a step forward in the move to consider alcoholics as sick people rather than moral parasites.

.iy r.. August 1948

Group Meeting and Discussi-0-n-P-age

Can A.A. be effective in prison? How Few Who Care many times have we asked ourselves that question since we joined the Arizona Few of us have anyone who really “The main joy in life comes from State Prison Group. We do know we are cares about us, as men, to go to when *** and straight thinking.” Now straight groping for an honest answer. But there released. Many of us will be without thinking was nothing new to us from an are so many posers. friends of any kind. Past habits may send advisory standpoint. We had been told Didn’t we all go through a us to a cocktail lounge in our search for about “straight thinking” since the first compulsory period of dehydration? No human companionship. We all know day we wen to an A.A. meeting. But doubt about that. We were all as dry as every bar has a steady friend for the guy somehow it had evaded us. the sun seared desert. Weren’t we all – good or bad – who will buy drinks and Controlling one’s thoughts in more or less rebellious at being confined be a good fellow. Where can we step prison is not one of the easiest things to and being told what to do 24 hours out of back into the stream of free life with less do. The general atmosphere in prison is each day for 365 days out of each year. effort? Then came a letter to one of the not conducive to “straight thinking.” Then The answer to that would come when we collaborators of this article. one of us remembered a psychology were free to order, “steak, medium The letter was from an executive professor’s illustration of controlling please, and a bottle of beer.” Weren’t we thought trains. His illustration was officer of a company the collaborator had looking into the future when we could something like this. once worked for. It was a fine letter of stage a good king-sized binge? No doubt commendation on the inmate joining A.A. about that. We’ve heard dreams of the Group Meeting It was fine morale building letter. But the future voiced too many times to even biggest thing in that letter was a few imagine that the majority of us would do No person can prevent a thought words that allowed a sliver of light to filter anything else. And wasn’t the brightest from entering his or her mind. If we see through the clouds of doubt that kept our dream of all the one embracing new a fire we are going to think of a fire. If we minds hazy. Quoting from that letter. friends we would make when we were read about a baseball game, we are again members of free society?

— going to think about baseball. There is no door we can close to shut out those things we see or read about. But we can meet the train of thought at the threshold of our minds and guide it along a good or bad track. As a result of this we started trying to find the good parts of things and keeping our trains of thought on the track of “straight thinking.” We found that even if a person is so mixed up he feels like “Tom and Jerry” batter, he will in ti66 get some hint that will awaken him to the right answer if he keeps a steady attendance to meetings, tries his best to live according to the “12 Steps.” This answer may come from the most unexpected place, but it will come. By that we do not mean our — thinking took an abrupt angle-turn.-our thoughts had been careening down the road of least resistance too long for, anything as sudden as that. But our thinking is in a state of metamorphosis like the caterpillar changing to the butterfly. Maybe we are getting some place. – Gene and Verle.

August 1948 August 1948

– Successful Prison Meeting For the bast eighteen months With the assistance of A.A.s on the outside, Texas the Upper Derby, Pa. Group has been conducting weekly A.A. Prison System Group, No. 1, Huntsville, Texas, was recently meetings at the county prison farm. In addition to being a organized. benefit to the men behind the walls, this meeting has proven The first meeting held on June 27 was attended by an excellent testing ground for new speaker material. Embryo seven inmates and seven members of the Houston and orators appear to have fewer qualms over addressing 40 or Conroe Groups. The second meeting had eleven inmates in 50 inmates than half that number of fellow A.A.s. attendance. This group has been organized along the lines of other successful prison groups and meets with the full approval of the prison authorities. – ClairandAnna, Houston, Texas.

November 1948

curing jobs and above all are taught A ITER much thought and ground work “The Women’s Studio Clubn has opened in Seattle, Wash. Its purpose is to help in some the A.A. way of life. ‘ Regular A.A. meetings for women only are held in the club. There is way the rehabilitation of women re- a housemother who is an A.A. volunleased from jail and who have only teer. It is her job to supervise such an alcoholic record. regulation – as is necessary. Although the thought originated The running expenses are so far with the women A.A. members who carried on by the original donations, had been working at the jail, the collections taken up at committee Studio Club actually came into being meetings at their own A.A. meetings. under the sponsorship of the non- It is suggested that after a girl alcoholic wife of one of the members. secures employment and housing, she The club cannot be termed strictly repay the club for her expenses there. an AA. project because it was necessary in the beginning to accept The usual length of stay in the funds from the outside. However club is 10 days, although there is no much of thi money came in the form dead-line on this. The accommodaof contributions, niembership fees tions are not limited to girls released and pledges from the A.A. members. from jail only, but are open to any There is a homelike atmosphere woman in need of the help that the about the place and the girls who club has to offer. come to the club are given every At present the capacity is limited chance to straighten out their tangled to seven girls, with the expectancy lives. Here they may deep, are of enlarging as soon as finances clothed, if necessary are aided in se- permit.

March 1949

C

NE of the most often-heard argu- 0 ments against A.A. for tile in- cepts of proper social living. If we The mate is the old nonsense about his not being tempted Ly alcohol while admit, as I for one have, that alcoholism is not the disease, but a symp- Of What tom of it, then we cannot but see in prison. Tliis reasoning is faulty that the necessity for alcohol to main- Alcoholic for two reasons. First, anyone who has ever spent tain a man’s status as an alcoholic Value has been definitely over-played. any period of time in confinement If it is possible for a man to con- Prisoner will know how silly it is to suppose that it is impossible for a man in tinue to be an alcoholic while he is Is A.A.? away from liquor, it is every bit as m prison to obtain alcoholic beverages. feasible for him to be returned to It may be more difficult in some cases mental sobriety from an already From Milwaukee, Wis. than in others, but very seldom is it physically sober state. If anything, impossible. Even where it is im- And most important of all, a change the alcoholic prisoner has an ad- F ititerest to many who are en- 0 gaged in A.A. work, as well as to progressive penal authorities, is the question of the value of possible to find corrupt personnel who will (for a fee) furnish the “bonded brands,” inmate ingenuity will devise many methods of convantage over thk majority, who enter A.A. foggy and confused. He is, at least, dried out enough to partially has been felt by the individuals themselves.

Alcoholics Anonymous in connection with the alcoholic prisoner. cocting various mixtures with the necessary “kick.” Since I have been understand what he is being told. All of what I have so far said has I Nbeen the writer’s own case, there has far more self-control, far been pretty much theoretical. The less anxiety about minor problems, I happen to have the rather dubi- in prison, I have personally seen and far more contentment than would ous privilege of fitting into the cate-more types of intoxicants than the question in each of your minds, I know, is “Does it really work?” To have been possible for me to find gory to be discussed. I have been al- average “outsider” would think pos- within prison walls before coming to coholic for ten years; I have been a sible. In one case, when all other that the answer can only be a loud and resounding “Yes.” A.A. prisoner for over three; and I have sources of supply had failed, I saw It can easily be seen that A.A. has been a member of A.A. for almost two men die from a carbon-tetra- I have been fortunate enough to be in a position where I have been more than proven its worth even to two. chloride mixture that they had man- the individual who ia still confined. From the many figures and sta- aged to steal from fire-extinguishers. able to see the results of A.A., as tistics that I have read, I find So, as I say, the idea that a man applied to the alcoholic prisoner. After confinement is over, the realmore than ample evidence to sub- cannot drink in prison is a miscon- Some of them are highly intangible, ly important aspects of this’ new stantiate my first observation, that ception of the facts. but many others are of a sufficiently way of life become even more apas many as 80% of the inmates of concrete nature as to be apparent to parent. Almost weekly we receive ECOND, let us remember the even a casual observer. reports of those who have left these most penal institutions have an alcoholic history. Of this number, I feel S proven point of logic that alco- Men who have been, over an extended period of time, chronic diswalls and are making a success of their lives, both socially and finanthat it is more than conservative to holism stems from mental and emomy that a half can trace their con- tional upset rather than from a pure- ciplinary and conduct problems with- cially. In addition to the freedom finement directly to alcohol. There- ly physical allergy. All of A.A. in the prison, have shown remark- from alcoholic affliction, these men fore we can safely say that there are philosophy is built around the prin- able improvement after becoming have found that they are received enough alcoholics in prison to war- ciple of altering the thought patterns active in our A.A. group. This per. and treated by the outside groups rant extensive A.A. work among of the alcoholic, changing his sense sonality improvement in many has without any of the stigma that atthem. of values, and reestablishing his con- been observed not only by the authori- taches itself to the average discharged ties, but by fellow inmates as well. prisoner. Many, without family or

friends, have been given the neces- thought. Although most may never sary incentive to “get a start” by again have contnct with A.A., it wil! sympathetic members of A.A. groups. be a known refuge for those who Our own parent group in Milwaukee later develop into alcoholics, or who has been instrumental in giving the realize that life has become unmanfirst boost that has started many men ageable. Perhaps someday in the far on the upgrade. distant future, some one of them will remember something that we said in HE very spirit of desire for ap- one of our group meetings and it will T proval and acclaim that caused be the cause of his turning to A.A. many originally to follow crim- and to peace. If that happens, in inal trends now leads them to be only one case, we have accomplished among the most active and energetic enough to make our efforts worthworkers in their new groups. Their while. a* sense of values” having been There is no need for praise or changed, they will work harder than recommendation of A.A. in prisons. most to make the new ideals a real- The highest praise and the loudest ity. commendation is the evidence of the One more important aspect of A.A. hundreds of men that it has saved. in prison is worthy of mention. For I can but be thankful that I Save various reasons, A.A. draws many in- been one of those lucky enough to mates who either have no alcoholic have found A.A., and myself, before problem, or are not at all inclined to it was too late, and hope that the do anything about it. Even for these opportunity will be given to more A.A. is serving a worthy purpose. and more men as A.A. forges still In the minds of these men is instilled further into the ranks of the prisonjust a seed of A.A. philosophy and e r s . ” ~

June 1949

ing a meml~cr was ouly ariother month of these meetings before I angle for me. l’lirougl~my past his- noticed any change in my thinking tory, the onicials four~cl that J w s at all. corrected about 20 tin~esfor druukthe change started when 1 en charges. One day they called me in and asked me if I would like to I THINK really got interested in a story an join A.A. Of course, 1 didn’t know outside speaker told one meeting day. w l ~ they meant hy tl~at,so I asked Ile told of one of his drinking sprees what it was. ‘ ‘ that got me tl~inkingof my own case. The man said, “Tl~eyare a group Ile had been drunk for six weeks of men who get togcther in here once and had gone through all his dough, a week and tulk over their drinking sold his car, and was getting a di- ‘ From Suult Ste. Marie, Mich. prollems.” “Well,” l said, “I guess vorce. He said he never had any- sober and put me back on my feel. I can spare one day a week of my thing else to lose, so he decided 11e Two nights later he was at a meeting,

I WKNT to the State Pen in 1946 for a 2-10 year felony charge. I was bitter and full of resenttime.” Lesides All we had was time, ant1 this looked like a pretty good ment and vowed that society would angle, and that was exactly what 1 would pull a stick-up. First he had to have a gun, so he went to one of his old drinking pals to put the shaved, sober, and in a clean suit. For the first time in weeks he wore pajamas and slippers and smoked pay when 1 was released. was looking for-angles. touch on him for dough. a cigar. He had been sober two years I I know now who would have payed When he got there, his pal an. the day he told the story. if I hadn’t been introduced to the ie told me a lot of men swered the door in a bathrobe and A.A. group there. 1 started shooting angles right ofC the bat. I tried to W role ‘ I e Y r never l e to d and went out on pacome back, 1 knew this slippers and smoking a cigar. He remembered how comfortable it used to be before he lost his home, and I THOUGHT that if I had only run into something like that, 1 wouldn’t be here. But wait, I have run into it ,

be nice to prison ollicials whenever was the angle for me to work. You they talked to me, but of course, I can bet I had those guys figured for mentioned it to his friend. There -a little late to stay out of the pen, was cussing and hating their guts in- a pretty stupid bunch of characters. was only one thing that didn’t look but a good chance of never coming 1 side. I vowed to myself that 1 would No wonder the law had to use clubs right. The last time he had seen his back. From that time on my thinklet them think 1 wanted to straighten to pinch a man, they were brainless friend, he was on a big drunk and ing started to change. I read all the out even if I had to “yes sir” and just like I thought. You see, I was when he left him, he was sleeping in booklets and started saying a little “no sir” them. What the hell, if I still the smart guy and in my way of Ilophouses in a pair of overalls. His prayer once in a while. 1 noticed could get out on my two years, I thinking, I was still the winner. I friend asked him in and gave him a I wasn’t making fun of my fellow could show them quicker just how went to meetings about six months seat. He then brought out a quart members any more, but telling them tough I coold get. There was that without missing one. After all, I had of Scotch. Wow, how this boy had I thought there was something that cop I hated so bad, if I had to do ten to see I didn’t let this angle slip prospered, why, the last time he saw could keep us sober besides our will years, he might die or someone else away. It might be pretty hard to find him, he was drinking hair tonic. power. I found myself telling my would shoot him before I could have another. He poured him a drink and put close pals the rotten things I did the chance of beating his brains out All I did at these meetings for this the top back on without taking any through my drinking. I began to find with a sap, like he tried to do to me. period was look at the other guys himself. Well, he decided, this was a little peace and contentment inside and think what fools they were, too much, so he asked what the deal those walls, and patience began to is how I was thinking for believing they could depend on a was. Said his friend, I have been come to me. I began to look upon T E u t eight months. S i r of those guy called God to help them stop with an organization called A.A. for the guards as men and not monsters months I was in the A.A. group. Be- drinking. It was about the eighth six months now and it has kept me full of hate for a convict.

I could say “good morning” in a Higher Power, you will be able to pleasnr~t way instead of the old, stay out of the Big House, if you are “Jceze, is it four thirty already?” in because of your drinking. Re- ‘l’hey began to give me more freedom member, you can’t use A.A. for an and I didn’t have to feel they were angle outside if you are an alcoholic, trying to make it tough for me any because when you start doing that, more. Most of all, I could take a you are on your way back. You ribbing without flying up in the air. have got to work it for yourself, and I knew then I was beginning to get above all with faith in God and utsomething out of the A.A. Program. most sincerity. A.A. will keep you I got further proof when they pa- sober if you seek help for yourself roled me on special good time when alone. Always remember in your I got 18 months in. I have been in daily inventory what the first drink A.A. since I was released in June, of your last drunk did to you, and 1948, and my life has been more remember where the last drunk put happy at home and outside of it than you. it has ever been before. Drinking and crimes are very close I have hnd some trouble, and I friends, and when they get together, blame myself for it. I didn’t work one or the other gets the upper hand. the Program sincerely and got a Take it easy and work the A.A. Prolittle cocky a few times. Just remem- gram inside while you are there, and ber, fellows, when you are out and it will pay off when you hit the you stick with A.A. and help your- bricks again. You will be welcomed self all you can, work the Program with open arms wherever you go if with sincerity and have faith in a it is with A.A-An Ex Con

July 1949

A. A. Meetings In a Courtroom The Judge and the Alcoholic &’rum Sanra Monica, Cali/.

WANT to tell you about a won- I derful experiment that has proven s~~ccessful in our city. for about six months now, and I can vouch for their effectiveness. Through the eflorts of a former As far as I know, this is the first city police oficer who has been effort of its kind and it certainly working the Program over three HIS story of an unpredictable al- more chance. I’m going to sentence opens a new approach to the probyears, the police force, the jailers, T c o h o l i c is based upon the trials you to my Sunday School class. I lem of alcoholism for our courts. and at least one of our municipal and tribulations of a judge and (I want you to be there every S u ~ ~ d a y The fact that the judge is a 11011- morning at 10 o’clock until further judges have cooperated with our hopeless aIcoholic. drinker makes his deep and sincere notice.” A.A. groups. Tom was a well-known character interest in the problems of the al- For the first time in his drinking For three years a municipal judge among police circles. Every Saturcoholics the more commendable. I career Tom stayed sober on Saturday has heen consulting A.A. in handling day night he was picked up by the am sure that his oflice would be glad night. On Sunday morning he sat drbnk cases. About a year ago, he police and poured into jail for to give such information as re- in the classroom among strangers, a decidtd to make A.A. available to drunkenness. Every Monday mornquested to individuals and groups in- picture of fear, remorse and selfmore alcoholics. IIe consulted a terested in starting similar meetings. ing he was given a stilf fine and a member of the Santa Monica Group tongue lashing by the judge. It be- pity. The lesson was on the subject who agreed to “pitch” A.A. to such The judge is a very busy man and came a regular weekly habit with of temperance, but the teacher$ lancannot encourage curiosity seekers, him and his case was always first on guage was anything but temperate. alcoholics as were required to attend a meeting in the court room, every but any legitimate inquiry for- the docket. The judge really tried to He condemned all drunks as. hopeless other week, as a term of probation. warded through The A.A. Grapevine help Tom. Nothing worked. Tom sinners and a disgrace to Christian- When I first heard of these meet- will receive prompt attention. was allergic to Saturday nights and ity. Within an hour after the close ing, I was skeptical, for I feared I personally know of quite a nurn- the poor fellow just couldn’t stay of that service Tom got drunk and they contained the element of com- ber who are active in my own group sober. Finally, in desperation, the left town and the judge breathed a pulsion which ordinarily does not who got their i~~troduction to A.A. judge sentenced him to three months sigh of relief. Ile never heard from work. nut when I saw many people at the courtroom meeting. I judge in prison in the hope of curing him Tom again and he concluded that the attending our regular meetings of that many attend other gronps. of alcoholism. This time Tom stayed poor fellow had drunk himself to their own free will, after getting At the request of the head jailer sober for three months. He had to. death. their introduction to A.A. at the and the matron weekly meetings are At the end of that time he was given Alcohol is a treacherous enemy. It court room meetings, I knew the being Ireld regularly at the city his freedom. is no respector of persons or their idea was a success. jail, one meeting for men and a The following Saturday night he station in life. We never know who Many other A.A.s who were skep- separate meeting for women. Pris- was drunk again and on Monday the next victim might be. Not long, tical are now enthusiastic. I have oners in the jail who wish to atte7d morning he faced the judge for about ago A.A. received a frantic call for been conducting the courtroom ses- the courtroom meetings are per- the 100th time. The judge said, help. It was from a man who had sions every other Thursday night mitted to do so.-R.W.L. “Tom, I’m going to give you one taken a terrific beating from alcohol.

All lris friends 11nd deserted 11in1. Ile he had been shown the way back to was ~wn~rilcss and Ire had lost all sobriety by others who had uedcr- Iwpe for I~i~nself. As a last resort he stood lris problem. lle had come to dt-1:itlcd to call on A.A. for Irelp. Irelp tlre nlan who once tried to help ‘I’lie marl who answered that call him. The victim was none other than Iri~cla deep understanding of the al- the former judge, and the man who coholic and his problem. He himself made that 12th Step call was Tom, had once been a hopeless drunk and the former hopeless alcoholic.-A.Y.

July 1949

T1II: nlcnhers of our prison group sul)lnittcd answers to t l ~ equestion, “Wllat does A.A. illcan to you?” Time were some who said, after they l~udtaken a cotnplele i~~vcntory of themselves, without any reservations, that they wcre literally amazed with the findings, that they were not aware of the extent of defects of character traits that were theirs. In the case of each member. the final trial and Lalance sheet silowed the debit side of the ledger to be far in excess of the credit side. Inwardly they admit that now they possess an elated feeling because for the first time in years they can look at themselves in the mirror and face the one with whom they have to live and satisfy. It simply means that they are able to live with themselves. Now they can have a showdown with their cokciences, as the sordid past, with its ill memories is gone into oblivion; they cannot recapture the past even if they so desire, but they enjoy a contented daily life.-Members of Honor Camp A.A. Croup.

August 1949

each other sober. I have all the mem- self and try to correct some of the bers in A.A. to thank for my sobriety. wrong doings, humLle yourself to The friendship is sometlling I had say 1 am sorry. I fo1111tlit isn’t too C 2 v e r experienced Before, he hand hard, and as som as people know ahakes and the pats on the back all you are in A.A. and see you sober, the boys give you, saying, “Boy you they watch yon. You set yourself as I are doing a good job.” It makes you an example. feel good to know some one still has It is o new way of life. No more faith in you. sleepless nights seeing funny things. I heard a man say at a meeting, No more hangovers. You are healthy “When I think back over all the and most important, happy. I have things I ever did wrong, I was al- furnished five rooms of furniture, Wlwn 12 o’clock tonight comes, to- when I did them, so I ways d r u ~ ~ k saved plenty of money, and don’t owe From Erie, Pa. am not such a bad guy after all.” day is over. After 12 o’clock a new a penny to anyone. NE of the boys in prison asked That stuck in my mind. Last night when I started this 0 in the February issue of The A.A. Grapevine if someone would write and tell how he made day is started, so it is again today. L learned to take it easy, which is important, as you keep your nerves settled, which has been the cause of 1 work the 12 Steps the way it helps me most, meetings, visiting hospitals, constant contact with A.A. letter, I still had nine months to go. Today, I have been taken off parole! So you boys can see that sobriety it on parole. By being on parole many a slip. When I feel tired and members at all times. I try to help pays off. and in A.A. it isn’t hard, because if things don’t go too smooth, I just the next man who has more troubles. I hope this letter helps someone you work the Program the way you pL makes me forget my own troubles. in prison or out. Good luck to all see fit, the parole doesn’t mean a thing. say a prayer, and it isn’t long un things work out fine. I have my s briety, which comes first with me “6 Take a moral inventory of your- of you boys in prison.-/.A.

I was drunk and I broke in a and only me, as I am the alcoholic. man’s apartment by climbing a fire I quit one job because it was getescape and cutting the screen in the ting on my nerves, and then had to window. I robbed him of most every- take night turn in another plant, as it thing of any value and then tried was the only shift open at the time. Wine Comes High to sell or pawn the loot. After being But my wife didn’t see much of me as t was in poor taste for a drunk to steal an electrical deodorizer fro111 caught, still drunk, I was tried and sentenced to two to five years in she worked days, so to keep peace at home, I hod to go to the boss and tell “I the men’s room of Alcoholics Anonymous of Greater St. Louis, 5109 Waterman Boulevard, but it was even worse when he attempted to sell it to Michigan City. After two years and him how the shift was hurting me, 30 days, I was paroled. and I was missing meetings, which police for a radio. (6 Police, investigating a report a man was lying in the alley in the rear of I joined A.A. Then I married, isn’t good. As our boss is all out for which was the best thing I did-I had A.A., I was put on the day shift, so I 410 De Ualiviere Avenue, found Ernest Falkenbcrg, a former convict. domething to live for. After attending had to do a lot of foot work to stay ” ‘Want a good radio,’ he asked the officers. ‘1’11 sell it to you for $2. I

* eight meetings, I was asked to speak, sober. need the money to get some more wine.’ and I did. Since then, I have spoken I have one of the best sponsors in “The police promptly placed Falkenberg under arrest. After meiving a in different groups and in different A.A. He keeps in constant cont mplaint of the theft, Associate Prosecuting Attorney Jasper R. Vettori towns. I live for today, 24 hours, with me, even though I have been I a u e d a warrant charging him with petty larceny.”-From the Dispatch St. for several months. We try to keep Louis, Mo. for I know there is no tomorrow.

August 1949

Peace in Prison 1 can A.A. do for prisoners? WHAT One A.A. member and former with the fate that is always ticking in his brain, would have led to a fight, or worse. The fellow’s answer prison inmate writes: ‘6 … You can untlersland that took me by surprise. He had about when I first heard of the A.A. Pro- eight years of his time in. He said r m , I wasn’t particularly inter- that the first seven years had been ,led. To me it was merely a way a living hell, then he got 011 the to be released from my cell for two l Program and had been honestly tryhours. ing to live and work the 12 Steps. “One afternoon after a prison A.A. Ile said, ‘My time is a lot easier to meeting I overheard one of the inmates (a non-A.A.) remark to one do now. . . .’ He’d been doing little things for others (big to a persou of the A.A.s who was doing 20 to 40 years: ‘Hell, fellow, why do you go in there), talking to young firstto these meetings? You’ll never timers, and found a peace of mind in leave this place alive!’ Ordinarily prison to a degree that I’m having a remark like that, taunting a man trouble finding since I got out.”

December 1949

Heed i s go back to where the cable parted and splice solidly to the time to attendance of meetings, doing 12th Step work, and participart that stood the strain. pating in the generally available social activity of ones group is a hazardous procedure. Without fear

The Warning! M Y principal regret, and I think I’m entitled to one, i s that this situation could have been so simply of contradiction 1 state that it i s never safe for a member to curtail averted by continuing to attend his participation entirely. meetings regularly. Oh, yes, J said It i s far from my intent to make I wouldn’t cry on your shoulder, of this a tear-jerker, and it i s not a prison relurnee’s plea didn’t I? motivated by a preponderance of . Here I think it appropriate to re- self-pity; the simple fact i s that cognize the consideration extended had I not permitted my thinking to become twisted to the extent that P ROBABLY the most abrupt realization that theoft-repeated warning to attend meetings faith- I knew all there was to know abour it, that attending meetings became unimportant. It was a very simple by the California Prison Administration to prisoners seeking to find a new way of living through AA. I devaluated A A ‘ s importance in my life, I most certainly would not fully cannot be taken lightly comes matter to shirk the responsibility We are visited by an outside group have traded a happy, carefree life to men returning to prison. It i s of a 12th Step call. T o make a long each week, and you may believe for the relative nonentity of being the writer’s hope that such will story short, I’ll omit the monoto- it, these meetings are enthusias- just another number in a sea of never be your experience. Men who nous details and take you with me tically anticipated by all. Several them. After more than two years of have had AA experience, either in to the wedding reception where I groups contribute their time and uninterrupted sobriety in the San prison or out, or some of both, and knew perfectly well that ”I can energy to make, in many cases, Diego area, I stubbed my toe, but who fail on parole or come back take a little–and then leave it the long drive here. Often it i s good. Be that a s it may, I am not with new commitments, have con- alone.” My halo had been pinching with perceptible display of relief discouraged. ! siderable advantage over men who hell out of me for a considerable that some speaker refers to his AM starting anew with the 1st I have failed for the same reason, but who are seemingly unwilling to admit it. The AA “returnee” has time anyway. It i s the simplest of matters to stay out of bars these days, however, for this little gem near-eligibility to having been one of us. A.A. Crapevines provided by several of these generous groups I Step, and with the help of 01’ Buddy, I’ll make it next time. If had forcibly hammered home again of illiteracy i s originating from what are a source of information and this sincere disclosure of what, that he i s powerless over alcohol. Winchell recently tabbed, “the entertainment to agrowing member- more than any other factor, caused His ego i s unmercifully wounded, luxury of an American prison.” ship here. me to fail to make the grade helps yet on the asset side he has a kit just one member to realign his thinking and gives him impetus to 1 of tools before him to begin immediately the process of rebuilding his life. The 12 Steps are ever C RY on your shoulder I will not; there i s not a single resentment toward anyone. I’m convinced W HOMEVER you may be, wherever you may be–if there i s one unvariable dictate in AA it is: clear the everimminent obstacle, I will be well compensated for setat arm’s reach. that everything happens for the Failure to apportion unreservedly ting it down.–Your Pen Pal, pol- My own particular case i s not best, and the path I had s o un- a regular, reasonable amount of som Prison, Represq Calif. I unlike dozens, perhaps hundreds, wisely started down could certainly of others. It was not until I thought have led to a more grave situation. 1 had thoroughly mastered AA, that A disgruntled A A i s a man who has taken moral inventory of himself A s it appears now, all I have to do and got sore about it.–The Alunon News, Newark, N.1.

f’, ‘

APRIL 1950 Judge Earle W. Frost Municipal Court during which time I have exper- a* Please accept my profound Kansas City, Missouri ienced and enjoyed complete so- appreciation for the sincere and briety. compassionate treatment accorded S*Your court did not impose upon to me while appearing before your me any mandatory order or restric- good court.” tion, but simply suggested and Obviously a large majority of recommended that Alcoholics the court cases are beyond the Anonymous would be helpful–if type of assistance offered by AA, I earnestly desired to quit drinking. but in a substantial number of It has proven so. cases A A does give, the individual excellent results i n most cases “The good and meritorious func- involved substantial assistance, tions of the various departments and in many cases the result is of our government are deserving of complete rehabilitation. attended one of the early meetings H AVING served a s judge of the Municipal Court of Kansas City, Missouri, since 1940, the of the Kansas City Group in 1941 and since that time many cases more recognition and commendation than they receive. Certainly, at times, you must despair at the The truly remarkable success of AA was evidenced by the attendance of some 500 members at the original efforts of the Kansas City have been referred with excellent seemingly utter frailty and hope- eighth anniversary meeting of the A A Group came to my attention results in most instances. In lessness of what we call the Kansas City group in April, 1949. almost a s soon a s the group was numerous ocher cases, through the ‘human race.’ Rut if this message, testimony of a representative in ) famed in 1941. Together with my i n any degree, is reassuring of The judges of the Kansas City I . colleague, Judge Edmund B. Smith, open court, AA has advised the, resultant good from the practical Municipal Court heartily support I had been endeavoring to find a court of its previous interest in wisdom of your court, then it will and endorse AA and its most more satisfactory method of han- a defendant and of the efforts to have accomplished its purpose. worthwhile objectives. dling the many cases involving assist him. Needless to say, the intoxication in public. Our daily court has, in most of such incourt dockets in each of the two stances, been quite willing to turn court divisions included from 20 the defendant back to AA for a to 50 of such cases. continuation of the rehabilitation On August 28, ,1941, we directed process if he indicated a sincere a communication to the P. 0. box willingness to cooperate and AA Nobody Knows number of the AA group, suggest- is willing to continue its efforts. in8 and inviting the cooperation S a kid Johnny couldn’t understand why his pals in the neighborhood and assistance of AA in the handling of such of these cases T HE following letter indicates the reaction and response to A went to different churches. “Don’t let that worry you,,’ his father said serenely. “Say you were walking over to the. other side of town. as might be handled beneficially this treatment: “On December 2nd, 1941, I There are a dozen ways you could get there. It’s like that with these by the AA group. Our communicaappeared in your court, charged different religions. They all lead to the same place and which is the tion was answered the following with drunkenness and disturbing best road there nobody knows because nobody ever came back to tell day by a representative of AA who the peace. Seven weeks and three us.” Maybe this will help someone having trouble with the God angle. assured us of the cooperation and days have elapsed since then, It did me.–Jamie, //ere’s Ilou~,ChicaRo, 111. assistance of the AA group. We

April 1950

F OR to 27 years I beat my brain a warp against the fact that I couldn’t face life without lift a might find underneath that s c a l e of hate, resentment, dishonesty, and lost faith. I didn’t know if 1 and lived in a world of make- had t h e insides left t o face f a c t s believe a l l of my own. What g o e s a s they were. But after the operaup must come down, and I came tion by that Guy Above and the AA down a t l a s t with a big thud here way of life, I’ve learned. in prison. It took a l l those years, I am writing t h i s letter, for I prison sentence, and AA to bring now d o believe and have a l l the me down from that high, horrible faith in t h e world. For you s e e , dream. that operation w a s a s u c c e s s . Rut T h e only decent thing I’ve ever I will need a l l t h e help I c a n get, done was t o get before a group now and always. And never will I here and a t Jackson prison (same get cocky and think I’ve got this charge) and admit I was a heel, thing licked. For I know I will and a l s o an alcoholic, and wanted need AA a l l my life. to d o something about it. Good luck t o a l l t h e other boys Since 1947 1 have done something in other prisons.–Jim, Marquette, about it. In this, I have had a l l Michigan t h e cooperation of the group, and the prison officials. I am very happy t o s a y it i s the first time in my entire life a s a n alcoholic that I have had peace of mind and am no longer afraid t o face life a s it is–in a s a n e normal way. When I c a n d o that after eight years and s i x months in prison, (on a charge I did not commit) you must admit that AA h a s taught me t h e things I’ve been very short on a l l of my life: willingness t o turn my will and my life over t o the c a r e of God a s I understood Him. He h a s made my life honest, and given me t h e guts to admit things when I am wrong. But, above a l l , t o b e honest with myself. Now it wasn’t e a s y for me to s a y that, I tell you in a l l sincerity. At first I w a s scared t o death of what I

MAY

DOUBLE CONVICTION? P e t e was sweating out a bad rap.

and running into an old

cell-mate didn’t make i t any easier.. . did i t ? or

again I’m in the hospital. And I got and I tried not to listen to it; 0 N THE day that Pete was released from the Pen, he met The Hospital? 1 thought you was still up in the Big House. When pajamas on. Can you picture i t ? Me in Pajamas! The bed was so but bye and bye the pain in my leg began to ease up a little, with an automobile accident, and did you get sprung? Hey, want a was taken to Bellevue Hospital. little drink? I ain’t broke.” soft that I thought at first maybe and so I begin to get more of an Several days after he was dis- “No, I don’t want none, Nick. them doctors had took out all m y ear full. t t What interested me was that charged from that institution he I’m off the stuff. It was the old bones. Tell the world I knowed I was hobbling along the sidewalks alky that got me sent up. I’m on wasn’t sleepin’ on no coal pile, they was talkin’ our language, of dew York when he happened to the water-wagon for life.” and I would of knowed it without and seemed to know what the run intb a former cell-mate of his “Where have I heard that before? havin’ to open up my blinkers. score is. Well, when they got by the name of Nick. Nick had also Hey, come on over here in this “U1ell, I laid there for awhile, through talkin’ .to this bird I taken a couple of postgraduate doorway, so’s we don’t get run just lookin’ around. Boy, I sure reached out my arm, and I beckcourses in the Underworld, and had over by the thundering herd, and tell felt tough. My leg was hurtin’ pretty oned to them to come over to my ‘ paid well for his tuition. us what’s happened to you since I bad. And then all at once I begin bed and talk to me. And then, “Pete!” shouted Nick, a s he last seen you.” to hear voices, and here some vis- what do you suppose they done, saw his buddy approaching. eeBoy, “Well, there ain’t much to the itors was talkin’ to some guy in when they saw my signal I mean.” am I glad to see you! You’re just story, Nick. It was just one of them the bunk next to mine. And they “I’ll bite,” said Nick. the guy I’m lookin’ for. But what’s things. The day I got out of the was tellin’ him all about some “Well, sir, they come over, and happened to you?” added Nick, Pen I gotdrunk and I guess 1 s t e p outfit they called Alcoholics went through the whole story again noticing Pete’s limp. ped off a curb right in front of a Anonymous. The stuff that they just for me. There wasn’t any of “Oh, mthin’. Just been doin’ a big truck.” was puttin’ out sounded like a that preachin’ and sob stuff, like little time at Bellevue.” “When I opens up my peepers lot of soft soap to m e at first, we used to hear outside them mis-

MAY 1950 sions. T h e s e g u y s knew a l l t h e straight from the shoulder, I been “I’m t o work, t h e same a s place, W e just been k i d d i n ‘ o w answers. They said there’s nothin’ goin’ straight since I got out. I’ve any other poor guy.” s e l v e s all t h e s e years.” wrong with a guy’s will. It’s h i s took u p with t h e AA myseIf, and I “Work? What kind of work?” Nick grinned from ear to ear, judgment that’s all haywire. They been sober as well as on the up “At anything I c a n get t o do. but made no comment. said that some people c a n take a and up ever since.” I’m still a good mechanic.” “What’s so funny?”asked Pete. eeU s two mugs,” said Nick, drink, and then let it alone, and Apparently Nick could restrain “Aw, you ain’t got a chance, ; then t a k e another one and l e t that himself no longer. kid. Thy riobody will hire you.” “Put it there, kid.” d o n e , l i k e we used t o kid about. “Hey, what are you doin’? Tryin’ “Wellqaybe you’re right, Nick,” “What d o you mean?” But that other g u y s a r e what they t o kid me?” he exploded. I said Pete, “But just the same I’m Nick kicked P e t e in t h e s e a t of c a l l alcoholics, which is just a “No, I ain’t kiddin’ you Nick. gonna take a crack a t it anyway.” h i s pants, held out h i s hand, and fancy name for rum dum a s far a s That’s on t h e level.” “Now listen, Pete. You’ll never said, ‘*Don’t you get it yet? I b e e n I c a n see. Anyhow, t h e s e guys had “Your alibi’s great, kid, but cut make it, I tell you. You need a little goin’ straight for two years, P e t e , been through t h e mill themselves, the mush. Now listen, P e t e , you’re kale t h e same as I do. We’ve just and I ain’t had a drink in a l l t h a t and they w a s a l l banded together just t h e guy I been lookin’for.” gotta pull t h i s job, I tell you. I time either. I w a s just feelin’ you in t h i s outfit. That’s what Alco- Nick lowered h i s voice almost can’t put it over alone. Come on out, and you’ve made t h e grade. holics Anonymous i s a l l about.” t o a whisper, and said out of t h e over t o t h e beer joint, and we’ll And listen t o this, you poor goon. “I’ve heard of ’em,” was Nicks corner of h i s mouth, “Now listen, have a few snifters, and maybe I’m t h e Secretary of a n Alcoholics only comment. I got a honey of a scheme all cooked you’ll s e e t h e whole thing in a Anonymous group i n Brooklyn, and *’Nobody ever treated me like up fa us. It’s a knock out. Wait’ll better light. You ain’t gonna turn I’m the foreman of a machine shop them g u y s did. After awhile I got you hear about it. me down now, are you Pete?” in Jersey City, you dilapidated so I used t o look for ’em every “We c a n turn a little trick to- P e t e stood looking a t a little ex-con, and we need just one more afternoon. I never realized there night that will give u s a couple dark spot on the sidewalk without good lathe hand right now. T h e w a s so many right people in t h e thousand smackers apiece at t h e speaking, wholly unconscious of b o s s belongs t o t h e AA himself, world. And, well, 1’11 tell you Nick, very least. You can u s e a couple h i s surroundings. Nick kept silent, and he’s one of t h e Warden’s b e s t somethin’ seemed t o click inside of grand, can’t you, kid? I been like a good salesman who knows friends. He understands us’mugs, of me while I w a s up there.” casin’ the place for three days, when t o stop talking. Finally P e t e Pete, and knows how t o handle u s “What d o you mean, inside you?” and it will b e like takin candy raised h i s head, and glanced a t a s long as we play square. “Nick, I don’t know just how to away from a deaf and dumb baby.” Nick with a strange look in h i s “See that shiny new car, P e t e ? explain it t o you, but one day a s I “No, you got me all wrong, Nick. eyes. Well, it’s mine, and it’s a l l paid was lyin’ up there, I somehow got I’m through I t e l l you. No foolin’.” “But I can’t g o along with you for with thedough I have made t h i s t o wishin’ that I w a s on t h e level “Aw now listen, Pete. All that in t h i s thing. Now don’t think I’m year. Hop in, and we’ll run out t o like t h e rest of them swell people stuff you w a s tellin’ me about t h e , tryin’ t o preach a t you, or nothin’ t h e apartment, so’s you c a n meet up there. And then pretty soon I AA, and about layin’ off t h e booze like that. I’m merely tellin’ you t h e wife and kid, and e a t a regular starts t o get sore a t myself for and goin’ straight is a l l right. I that it’s a wise guy that c u t s out dinner that won’t b e handed out to wishin’ it. And then t h e more I don’t blame you for wantin’ t o cut the wild life before it’s too late. you on no tin plate. You don’t g e t s sore a t myself for wishin’ it, out t h e rough stuff. But wait till T h e newspapers is right, Nick, want t o b e runnin’ no lathe on a n t h e more I wishes it.” you get a slant on the big deal I’m and t h e AA’s i s right. Booze and empty stomach, d o you?” T’Did you blowed your top, or tellin’ you about. I s p o t s t h i s crime never got neither of u s no –A. F., Cheyenne, Wyoming sometbin?” asked Nick. place l a s t week, and I tell you ‘*Well,” fumbled Pete, “to let there’s a big roll in it for both of you have it a l l i n o n e mouthful and u s if–“

JUNE 1950

A s editor of the country’s largest what does this guy want that is prison paper, in point of circulation, trying to help me, s o he says? we have watched the Ohio Peniten- Is it not true that the hakdest par! tiary Group, sponsored by the Cen- in AA is getting ae’drunk” ‘sobered tral Ohio Fellowship, grow from a up and kept sober until the pr promere 60 interested parties at the grym sinks in? In prison tht~ti s all first session less than a year ago eliminated. The, prospect is stone to nearly 300 members whose hearts sober in a penitentiary, believe ,me. and souls are in AA work. We have He can fully grasp the meaning of a attended each meeting and never wonderful life more thoroughly beleave one without a lump in our cause his freedom has be$n taken throat due to the earnestness in away. He has had time to make a which these men partake of the decision if he wished to straighten meetings. It is heart rending to up and fly right. Yes, ladies and watch these men sit with open- gentlemen, a penitentiary om refort Why A A in Prison? mouthed wonder a s a speaker drives home a point that touches them. matary is the place to start. A man either wants to live right or he Every one of the nearly 300 men doesn’t. He is a s low as he can get, can trace h i s being taken away he cannot sink lower but with the from society because of the use of grace of God and AA he can be y-

T HERE has been many an AA group instituted throughout the Midwest in prisons and at the same which is the hue and cry of evcryone, both inside and out, only one alcohol. Many of them did not know what to do to stop drinking. They felt they were “hooked.’* turned to society a man withla good, clean mind and enjoy the fruits of freedom. has been outstanding in aiding an time a very burning question raised; inmate of an institution in bettering At first they are skeptical a s to If you are one of those pkrsons “Why start a group in a peniten- himself for a desirable life upon his why someone, a person out in the who cannot see the ,good of a p u p tiary? Thosepeople do not have an release to society. That program “free world” would be interested in a penitentiary, and are in the alcohol&cproblem in there!” i s Alcoholics Anonymous. in them. It takes some longu than vicinity of Columbus, Ohio, on the Perhaps these persons who are Toget back to the point of alco- others to grasp the meaning of the first or third Sunday of any month, skeptical have a point but, brother, hol in prison, it is true that there 12 Steps, to actually see that AA contact the AA office, and we are there are a great many more points is a very minute chance of an alco- can and will return them to a sane certain you will,be permitted to at: on the other side of the ledger. Too, holic being able to follow his cho- and happy life. Every convict, and tend this closed (because of lsecurwe have often wondered if the per- sen profession and we do not use many folks “outside,” is suspi- ity measures) meeting and see fof sons raising these complaints are the words, chosen profession, 1,ight- cious of someone who wants to do yourself just what Ah is doing in a s good AA’s a s they profess? ly, because we know that one must something for him. He believes that the third largest prison in the natioy Have they actually studied the choose this way of life because there is an angle being shot. Just -D. T., Columbus, Ohio Twelfth Step? there is one so much better he could I Having had the opportunity to see .havefor the asking. However, “tater both sides, free world and prison mash,” “alky,” “shellack” and life, we can vuthfully say that of other “lifters” have been known to all the rehabilitation programs, be used by incarcerated persons.

June 1950

with the prison groups in their taking some people out of the First International Conferenence vicinity a deep feeling of humility procession before the jaildoors and justifiable pride in a job well close behind them and is reaching done. But what of the officials?. How do they feel about AA groups .. others while they are doing time or as soon as they come out. For inside the walls? the first time we can have some Austin MacCormick, former Com- hope of salvaging men and women missioner of Correction in New who have too long been scorned York City and at present Executive when they should have been pit- Director of The Osborne Associa- ied and kicked down when they tion, Inc., and a non-alcoholic should have been lifted up. w member of the Board of Trustees Alcoholics Anonymous is not of the Alcoholic Foundation says: only of incalcuable help to people “In all parts of the country I in short term institutions but also run into groups in institutions to those serving long sentences where A A is not only bringing new in our state and federal prisons. hope to prisoners who are desper- Only a small proportion of our ately anxious to straighten out long-term prisoners are alcoholics, their lives, but is also giving but in the case of a very large perwardens and superintendents the centage excessive drinking has kind of help they have never had played a distinctive and destrucbefore and that they deeply ap- tive role in their lives and has been preciate. a contributingfactor in their crimi- “It i s a matter of great regret to nal careers. me that, when I was Commissioner “Some men and women who are of Correction in New York City, sent to prison, moreover, are in Alcoholics Anonymous had barely danger of becoming excessive started and we did not have the drinkers during the discouraging members of AA to turn to as cor- and difficult days follow.ing their rectional officials do now. I had to release and get a quick start on watch with a feeling of frustration the road to becoming alcoholics. the steady procession of alcohol- Because of the presence of AA THE NEED FOR PRISON GROUPS ics, and people who were on their way to becoming alcoholics, pass groups in s o many prisons, the few who are already alcoholics are an inmate wrote, **No, you can’t through the revolving door jails being reached in a genuinely e&c- OF what possible good is A A in prison? Prisoners are shut away from alcoholic beverages s o get a drink on the inside, but I saw a man die from drinking the which the city was running and, as a matter of fact, is still running. tive way for the first time and the others are learning of the existence why would they need AA? Almost fluid out of a fire extinguisher!” “It will be a long time before of AA and what it can do for them daily grateful letters and articles The many expressions of grati- AA can come anywhere near reach- in the future if they ever need it. sent to the crapevine by inmates tude from inmates give the hun- ing all the alcoholics who land in “Alcoholics Anonymous has no answer these questions. Recently dreds of A A s who work diligently our jails, but the organization i s more staunch friends than the

wardens and superintendents of Officers for California, ‘we can our penal and ccurectional insti- keep them out of jail.’ ” tutions and the administrators who How to do it was a problem which head our correctional systems. 1 was solved when the officials join with them in congratulating heard of the then still young, Al- A A on its accomplishments and coholics Anonymous. expressing deep gratitude for the “The sponsorship and guidance unique and invaluable contribution of men on the “outside” evidences it has made to our task of salvag- an interest which has never before ing human beings. ” been expressed by any group of One of these staunch friends is citizens, in the problem of helping Clinton T. Duffy, Warden, Cali- and associating with ex-convicts. fornia State Prison, San Quentin, Yes, these men offer practical and California. The San Quentin Group so essential human companionship was the first “inside” AA group for men on parole. This feature to be recorded in the National alone makes the work worthwhile. Headquarters. Since its beginning “But results are being seen on in 1942, prison groups have been the outside, also. Our Parole Ofstarted and are thriving in 70 ficers are reporting more and more pisons throughout the country. successes of former inmates who 1′ It was apparent to us, says have been restored through AA Warden Duffy, “that the alcoholic groups to positions of respect in presented a problem of rehabili- their communities. The A A s do tation which the prison program exactly what they promised. They was not meeting. Our Board of will stay with a man until he Prison Terms and Paroles was well achieves his goal of sobriety. This aware of the importance’ of con- unselfishrkss . is an ‘ inspiration tinuing aid to such men after re- not only to the .inmates of the inlease on p~role. ‘If,’ said Allen stitution but to the’Prison Admin- Moore, State Director of Parole istration a s well.”

August 1950

I am away from a group, or a fel- no reason for me to have all the low member, I do have your letter good breaks. Rut one thing I have toread and to give me a lilt. I miss now is the fact that I can face the meetings we used to have at reality (which always just faceJ San Qilentin.. .but not enough me) with the true spirit of the A A to go back there. Program, instead of facing it with 8′ Ilut in summing it all up, A A the spirit of alcohol. Yes, E., I has brought me an understanding have managed to keep my chin up of my fellow man, something I never and to take whatever comes, even cared about; an understanding of to the extent of thanking God for …a timely spiritual touch … myself, which never entered my mind; and an understanding of God, the bad, a s well as for the good, as, after all, he is the dealer in which I had never known; and a this game of Life I am now living. chunk of human heart (Take a1 peace of mind I never thought pos- “I, personally, have had that S OhETIMES, when a fellow is looking down a road that seems desolate and dark, there comes you want): … ” You asked about some cIf , sible to attain. “I was told when I left San Quenfeeling of not being good enough to associate with other people he- . along.. almost a s if it were des- the boys but I have lost all contact with them as I have been worktin that I had two strikes against me, but by sticking with A A I have cause I am an ex-convict; but I also realize, now, that that ‘EX’ tined so.. .a timely spiritual touch that enhances every value of life ing up and down the San Joaquin found that, regardless of what or can bring me respect, a s it can an and human association. Valley, still painting. But next who1 was yesterday, I am accepted ‘EX’-drunk, when one at least One came to me, in a letter from weekwewill be in Pleasanton and for what I am today, as long a s I tries to do right.” a friend out Vest, from a state I I hope to attend a few meetings am sober and trying to live up to After reading that letter over left in January to work here, “on around Alameda, Oakland and San the AA Program. That alone is again, I wonder if the 100,000 Francisco. I still work in n good payment for one who has found other EX-drunks of A A won’t join the hill.” While I hadn’t had any alcoholic trouble since entering . drinking gang but.. s o far.. I have been on the beam.. not . . himself. And the friends I have now are.. .the only friends I shall me in regarding this fellow a s a symbol of what many of u s might AA nearly five years ago, I have ever need. have experienced and in giving him had considerable family financial and health problems and was not through m y efforts alone but with . God’s help.. and the helr of the . “Sure.. I have had it tough, three rousing cheers and a Tiger feeling too much on the upbeat side of things when this letter . AA Twelve Steps.. and by the help I get in attending the meetings. but God has granted me some spots of joy. Just because I am in AA i s for the lift he is giving the whole of us? -E. L.S., Washington, D.C. came along. “Yes, it has been tough, and It was from a boy who graduated sometimes still is, but I know I a year and a half or so ago from an have a stronger Faith in myself institution. The life story of the and in God’s power to help me warden, Clinton T. DulTy, was run- overcome the temptations that Iface. ning in the Saturday Evening Post. “I went to a Skid Row meeting From what he said in the letter, recently. It was a real good meet- I am sure he will not object to my ing and it surely gave me a big passing some of its salient matter boost, all the same a s your letter. along. So, here, my friends, i s your Tomorrow is payday and although

September 1950

WE COME OF AGE By Bill

Cleveland July 28-30, 1950 (excerpt from WE COME OF AGE)

Next came that wonderful session never given before. A.A. hadn’t been any The Warden added that most on prisons. Our great friend, Warden too popular, but now prison morale hit an prison authorities throughout the United Duffy, told the startling story of our all time and stayed there. Many of the States and Canada today share his original group at San Quentin. His survivors joined up. The first Prison views of Alcoholics Anonymous. Hitherto account of A.A.’s five-year history there Group had made its mark; A.A. had 80% of paroled alcoholic prisoners had to had a moving prelude. We heard a come to San Quentin to stay. be scooped up and taken back to jail. recording, soon for radio release, that Warden Duffy then spoke. Many institutions now report that this thrillingly dramatizedan actual incident of Apparently we folks on the outside know percentage has dropped to one-half, A.A. life within the walls. An alcoholic nothing of prison sales resistance. The — – even one-third of what it used to be. prisoner reacts bitterly to his confinement skepticism of San Quentin prisoners and Warden Duffy had travelled 2000 miles to and develops amazing ingenuity in keepers alike had been tremendous. be with us in Cleveland. We soon saw finding and drinking alcohol. Soon he They thought A.A. must be a racket. Or why. He came because he is a great becomes too ingenious. In the prison maybe a crackpot religion. Then, human being. Once again, we k.A.s sat paint shop he discovers a promising fluid objected the prison Board, why tempt and wondered how far our reputation had which he shares with his fellow Providence by freely mixing prisoners got ahead of our character. alcoholics. It was deadly poison. with outsiders, alcoholic women Harrowing hours followed, during which especially? Bedlam would be unloosed. several of them died. The whole prison But our friend the Warden, somehow was tense as the fatalities continue to deeply convinced, insisted on A.A. To mount. Nothing but quick blood this day, he said, not a single prison rule transfusions could save those still living. has ever been broken at an A.A. meeting The San Quentin A.A. Group volunteered through hundreds of gathering have been instantly and spent the rest of that long attended by hundreds of prisoners with night giving of themselves as they had almost no watching at all. Hardly needed is that solitaty, sympathetic guard who sits in the back row.

February 1951

wheels seemed t o be whirring out for s u c h v i s i t s are received some neat number. from the authorities or when “If we c a n explain A A t o 1500 the need for such special men in one year, sir.. ” . v i s i t s are indicated. “Yes,” t h e Commissioner waited. 3. Interview and introduce A A t o 11 One man, sir.” people who are interested in T h e Assistant jumped when t h e AA and who come from such chief’s voice boomed out: “Sold! institutions and departments. You make s e n s e , Mr. AA. Your y o – 4. Write t o interested inmates of gram g e t s i t s trial!” a l l city institutions. In four and one-half years that 5 . Offer general co-operntion to pre-date and p o s t d a t e that inter- t h e Courts and Departments view in ‘Manhattan’s Tombs Prison in rehabilitation work with . office, twice 1500 men behind bars alcoholics. have heard the AA message from Legal sanction for the New York many volunteer AA visitors. And Program came after one more “dis- 400 times t h e one promised man organized AA organization” proved h a s found sobriety and a new way that the Twelve Steps c a n work of life on arriving “outside.” inside stone walls a s well a s out- T h e AA activities within t h e s i d e them. It was one more milecity’s houses of detention, jails, s t o n e for one more facet of AA that, workhouses and penitentiaries a r e like Topsy, just plain grew. no longer on trial. As recently a s Back in 1945, one more unfor- New Year’s week, 1951, a four- tunate, weary of breath, slipped T w e l f t h Step … w i t h stripes … page mimeographed outline of AA procedures for prisons and institua f t e r a brief AA endeavor. T h e s l i p led t o trouble and a term in the A A helping hand reaches through iron bars i n … tions h a s been distributed via official department channels t o 5 0 Manhattan City Prison. A letter from t h e cell-bound sl ippee reach- City Magistrates, 20 Probation Of- . e d h i s sponsor.. a busy salesman NEW YORK CITY PRISON PROGRAM ficers, and other guardians of the law. By direction of, and with t h e who knew nothing of jails, prison regulations or institutional red b l e s s i n g s of Commissioner Albert tape. Perseverance by the spon- HE Assistant t o the Commis- self pushed the typed reports a s i d e T sioner of Correction of the City of New York felt that he had and spoke directly t o the visitor: , “Well, Mr. AA, suppose we did let Williams who h a s been a friendly tower of strength t o t h e new AA sor finally resulted in v i s i t s to t h e rashly importunate member in tem- Centre Street Committee. porarily bad standing. The renewed been very fair t o t h e visitor, t h e you talk t o s a y 1500 of our inmates P a g e one of t h e historic charter A A contact acted a s a quick tonic, man who called himself “an AA within a year. How many of 1500 s t a t e s “Type of Work,” and list’s and a t exercise time the prisoner volunteer.” Even the Assistant’s would your AA business s a v e ? ” t h e s e five approved activities: talked h i s revived AA t o a cell- Assistant s e n s e d that t h e crux of T h e volunteer pondered. Percent- 1. Conduct AA meetings a t City mate who blamed alcohol for h i s t h i s meeting w a s a t hand. a g e s and s t a t i s t i c s , that’s what institutions. new residence. On h i s r e l e a s e , the And then the Commissioner him- officialdom understands, and the 2. Visit inmates when r e q u e s t s returned brother joined h i s w o n –

sor in settinq the A A word into Special meetings are held for other prisoners. Soon a llozen, some prisoners out on probation until ex-cons themselves were w a n g l i n ~ they qravitute t o neighborhood visiting permissions t o carry the groups. Most of themhave h3d many word inside the qrim, gray walls. meetings “in stir” a s their train- In April of 1949, the faithful inr: period. Attendance a t Riker’s handful of volunteers made a n ap- Island(main c i t y prison) i s limited peal through the New York Inter- only by meeting room s i t e , 270 group Dulletin for more helpers. An often squeezing into a s p a c e comeven 100 responded. fortable for only 250. Keepers of t h e faith are now 150 Old timers of the volunteer AA members pledged and banded to- prison workers hail the newly sancgether in c e n t r e Street Committee. tioned set-up, but c a n tell off-the- A recognized AA g o u p , it holds record s t o r i e s of “unofficial” sancone c l o s e d meeting a month t o tions through the early years from program the field work. Althou4h friendly court employees, some 95% of the work i s with men in- s a y even sympathetic judges, and mates, women have been added t o from AA c o p s whom they refer t o the group.They will not only carry a s “the finest of the famous finout the visiting service in the Wo- est.” men’s House of Detention (ladies’ Andold timers s a y solemnly that jail in t h e heart of Greenwich Vil- t h e new program of carrying hope lage) but will a l s o v i s i t families and help through barred windows of male inmates, t o secure c o – o p comes from a n old AA recipe for eration in the family unit for the -s u c c e s s f u l accomplishment pan released or paroled man of the hours of persistence. And they s a y house. A special sub-committee, that e a c h meeting with our incarthe Welfare unit, i s headed by a cerated fellow men reminds them long-dry Sing Sing graduate and of a n old familiar motto. will try out a job-finding service for released men who have shown You must have s e e n it in some a s i n c e r e desire t o become good meeting room. It reads.. .. AA’s. “But for the Grace of God !. .. “ROUND THE TOWNn Broadway and 76th Strrrr

September 1 9 5 1

will be easier to bear, and to pre- roans set aside for the purpose. pare him to face the world when ‘ A second type is the “speakers” he has completed his stretch. meeting. For these, two or more groups are assembled and visiting A A s and selected inmate members Anonymity Eliminated tell their views on how AA works.

Prior to organization of the pri- Record Cards Marked A A son groups articles were published on AA in the Joliet Stateville Time, the penitentiary newspaper. Talks Names ol all members are placed were given over the prison inter- on file with the senior captain of communication system. Anonymity the guard. The bureau of identifiwas necessarily eliminated. This, cation marks a man’s record card to many prisoners at the start, was “AA.” About a third of the memlvkdurl elart of 100 A A membas hu helped a stumbling block. For parole bers are Negroes. Two thirds of , &*1114111111k hmates boards, look with disfavor on alco- the members have a year or more holics because there are s o many to serve before discharge or pos-. repeaters among them. sible parole. There are even lifers. Three groups totaling 47 men out in the group. of a prison population of 3,000 New members are added when a were soon formed. This number member turns in the name and has now swelled to several hun- prison number of an inmate who dred, organized in many groups at wants to join. The applicantoir Stateville, Old Prison at Joliet screened by inmate members,”ohc qnd at the Honor Farm. explain the program ‘to him 8M,

r +:A,A ‘dq’ HAS assumed a role of major importance in Illiprjson system as the result can be obtained or made within most any prison from anything from potato peelings up. make sure his purpose is really A.A1 and not some ulterior qv%h$, !# erlfaM d about 100 men within Two Types of Meetlngs ‘Ipl Cbicaeo group. Launched in * I

wil,.1948, not a s a group project ib u an individual effort by mem- Two types of meetings are held. ; h a , ; @e work has taken definite One, led by inmates, usually disrhp& hrs highly impressed au- Many inmates are there a s a di- cusses basic AA. A member from On discharge or parole, and RIT ithoritieq, and has helped hundreds rect result of qlcohol. It is to these .;he “outside” sits in with the in- bers are urged to await dirchrrgr, :.$ m n – men that AA makes its appeal. The mate members and takes his turn the inmate member is given o sporr-. 6. To those who don’t know their maja effort is not s o much to dry when called on fa remarks. Copies sor in the town to which he ir go-‘ way uound prisons the thought of out a man a s to instill in him tbe ‘ of the Big Book, the Grapevine and ing. Effort is made to induce chcl ~ I c o h a lseems remote. But despite philosophy of Alcoholics Anony- other AA literature are furnished men to settle in communities a ~ n y . .~’#.&..m~st stringent supervision it mous, s o that his stay in prison the inmates. Meetings are held in from extremely large center@.$. .r

population where temptations from world. While all of these men have former companions could lead td not made the grade, the number trouble. who have is large enough to more Joseph E. Ragen, warden, and than justify the experiment. Other p o l e board members, solidly back prisons in downstate Illinois are AA. A s penalogists they find it taking up the Stateville plan in co- . successful in rehabilitating men operation with downstate members. for release. As an aid to discipline Sporadic contacts have been within the walls, it has proved in- made over the years in the Bridevatuable. AA members get into far well (city) and county jails, but less trouble than the general run these have never crystallzed into : of prison populatioh. an organized effort. A small group of women, however, has worked Experiment Justified steadily and quietly for several years among women alcoholics in Highly successful reports have the County jail and notable recome in from men released into the sults have been achieved.

,,

DECEMBER 1951

our own concepts of 1 ife, therefore “Never mind that snoot, Rub. we can find no room in our mind That nose acquired its hue from for thinking that does not conform heading youcons into the mess hall with ours. And that Mr. Officer, in sub-zero weather.” applies to the outside AA that has Rub acknowledged that answer a Ereat big bust. Yeah, and some with a blank look. A ~ S rush ;o h i s rescue with hush hush expressions on their sancti- There ensued a shifty silence monious faces. Gradually and gent- between these two, then Rub broke ly he i s wooed back into the warm- out with, “You know, officer, AA th and shelter of AA. Us cons and works in many ways. Once an AA ex-cons aren’t wooed, not by a said t o me a rough old codger he danged sight!” was, too -” Rub’s e y e s grew very “Bub, you sound bitter and ugly .” serious a s he continued, “this old “Sir, it’s n ~ texactly like I said. ‘unsaid, ‘Once the alcoholic pic- A A WORKS IN PRISON, TOO It’s hatd t o explain what I just tures some form of continuity besaid, for I’m in the middle of my yond the grave, then t h i s journey trouble, looking outward and away from the cradle t o the grave begins from the situation.” t o make sense. The fear of death AY, Rub, what’s the good of AA t o handle that problem for you? ” “That sounds like a politician’s and a l l i t s implications then disfp SAA in prison? You can’t get Look, officer, basically AA i s ‘a

anything t o drink in here,” said a new way of life for us. We learn answer, to me” said the guard. “Maybe it does sound that way,” appears along with h i s abnormal fears and anxieties. Here h i s althe guard, scrutinizing Rub with a that t o stay sober we must live continued Rub, “but there’s where coholism becomes arrested and skeptical eye. with our conscience, not by yours, my ego comes into the picture. s t a y s thusly s o long a s he keeps “True enough,” answered Rub, nor by Joe Blow’s, but by our own.” Now, I don’t try t o answer all the the channel open between the “there are no cocktail lounges or a* Suppose you have no con- questions that plague me, by and Higher Power and himself.’ ” ‘

taverns behind t h e s e walls, and science?” from my own resources, any more. “Rub, have you got a copy of 8′ That question leads us right we are free of that kind of temp- I go t o many places for the an- those Twelve Steps that you were tation. But actually that i s not our back t o AA. We develop a con- swers. One of them i s t o the Pow- talking about?” problem. The kernel of the problem science or repair that which we e r Greater than myself. Another Bub fished a card from h i s shirt lies in socializing ourselves by have left of a conscience by ap- place i s right back t o the Twelve pocket and, without saying a word, developing right thinking. And that plication of the Twelve Steps.” Steps and inventory. And I’m learn- handed it to the guard. goes for you alkies outside, too.” “Huh huh, what about you birds ing t o know the difference and t o “Humph!” snorted the guard, who go out of prison, get drunk, accept the things I cannot change.” *8 you guys didn’t get in here by get into trouble again and come Rub c a s t a s i d e glance a t the It being Saturday and a n AA going t o Sunday school!” right back in here?” guard’s nose, and queried, “Say, meeting on hand, Bub took the “Of course not. Some of us have Bub squirmed, but said, “We officer, why are you s o interested stairs in high gear t o the meeting something e l s e along with our have failed t o get the AA Program in AA?” room. There he fired up the group alcoholism – criminality.” because of our exalted e g o s and Being wise in prison lore, the with a mighty oration on king s i z e “Well, I’m surprised that you our inability t o get out from our- officer caught the. speculative c a s t egos. admitted it! And how do you expect selves, because we are smug in in Bub’s eye. – F. R., Jackson, Michigan

February 1 9 5 2

SAN QUENTIN HE San Quentin Group was the terest which has never before been T f irst “inside” AA group to be expressed by any group of citizens recorded in the General Service Of- in the problem of helping and asfice. Since its beginning, more than sociating with ex-convicts. Yes, nine years ago, groups have sprung these men offer practical and s o up in prisons in a l l parts of the human companionship for men on country. parole. T h i s feature alone makes It was Clinton T. Duffy, former the program worthwhile.” Warden of San Quentin, who spark- It i s said around San Francisco ed the organization of the first p i s – that the man who first contacted on group and San Francisco’s AAs the AA group in behalf of the prison who carried the message inside the was a former prison chaplain, Julwalls. ian Alco. t1 It was apparent t o us,” said Warden Duffy, “that the alcoholic The rest i s history. There are presented a problem whichthe pris- now 78 prison groups in the United on program was not meeting.” States and one reported in South A solution t o the problem was Africa. At present, San Francisco, sought by the prison officials and Oakland, Richmond, Vallejo, Marin hope of i t s s u c c e s s came when the County and Santa Rosa work on a then young Alcoholics Anonymous rotation plan, visiting the prison. was. brought t o their attention. After T h e peninsula groups have now investigation and consideration the succeeded in gaining entrance t o program was put into effect under the Agnew State Hospital and the the guidance of the Captain of the StocktonStateHospital. Santa Rosa Yard who was more or l e s s respon- h a s a program going a t Mendocino sible for the morale of the men. … State Hospital and there are groups

… . . . Of AAs working inside the walls, in Folsom Prison and Soledad Warden Duffy has said, “The spon- s o it goes the steady carrying sorship and guidance of these men of the message to the county on the ‘outside’ evidences a n in- jails and even t o the old folks home.

J u l y 1952

ever known to keep al-

coholics from returning

First Regional Conference to prison

of AA Prison Groups EHIND t h e towering w a l l s of tiary; Minnesota S t a t e Prison; Illi- B Indiana State Prison, another new and unique chapter of A A hisnois S t a t e Penitentiary; , . Indiana Reformatory; Indiana S t a t e Farm; pathetic a t t e n d a n c e and praise by repeated. AA, admittedly, is ‘doing tory h a s been written by 617 friends a n d London P r i s o n Farm of Ohio) s u c h influential figures a s Governor much t o encourage and soften t h e of AA from “outside” and 196 s e n t m e s s a g e s t o t h e conference, Henry F. Schricker, of Indiana. T h e a t t i t u d e s of prison inmates, t h e members of AA from “inside.” postscripted with “regret we can- Governor’s understanding t a l k w a s theme ran, but more well-imple- Wardens, penologists and penal so- not attend b e c a u s e of previous o n e of t h e highlights of t h e ses- mented thought now must g o into ciologists from s e v e n institutions ‘commitments,’ ” sion. Eminent s o c i o l o g i s t s and helping men bridge t h e v a s t g a p of five s t a t e s ; AAs from many ci- One main purpose of t h e pioneer psychologists a l s o were included between confinement and a return ties; and the “at home” members conference among AA’s 133 Ameri- among t h o s e who attended t h e in- t o private life … a jump that alof the inmate group participated in c a n prison groups w a s d i s c u s s i o n I spiringly unique conclave. w a y s h a s been hard aplenty, e v e n the First Regional Conference of of a parole system, whereby home All, however, w a s not praise for discharged inmates or parolees A A PrisonGroups a t Michigan City, communities would meet AAs re- and smugness.While AA w a s given whose future w a s not complicated Indiana. leased and continue t h e therapy of credit for t h e good already achiev- additionally by the burden of alco- A A inmate members of the repre- fellowship begun “inside.” The e d in groups that have been orga- holism. T h i s phase of t h e discussented institutions (State Prison of conference, planned by t h e Michigan nized i n prisons, a need for i t s ex- s i o n w a s well-phrased by Governor Southern Xlichi~an; Ohio Peniten- City “host”inmates,received sym- tension w a s emphatically noted and Schricker during h i s t a l k t o t h e

conference: s i d e with him … and b e prepared development of the Regional Con- … *t It is apparent that for t h e (prison) group t o d o t h e maximum t o a point of agreement with AA’s b a s i c freedom of a c t i v i t y h a s been t o h e l p t h e parolees who will follow them into freedom. ference, in words that are hard t o improve upon. Here are other p e r a struggle. It h a s been, perhaps, good, there must b e a n interested t h e biggest s i n g l e problem. T h i s , of course, i s a challenge tinent excerpts from his own ob- AA in every community in t h e Cen- Wardens who joined d i s c u s s i o n to .4As who have not been in pris- servations: on; t h e penitent alumni of s t a t e * * For several years we penolotral S t a t e s , one who i s familiar at t h e F i r s t Regional Conference, with and sympathetic t o t h e work however, c a m e up with a unanimous a n d other institutions cannot b e g i s t s have watched with great inbeing done. T h e r e i s no other way t o be s u r e that t h e man who l e a v e s a n d dominant fact … not one charged with t h a t responsibility alone, although it w a s agreed that t e r e s t the integration of the AA program into prison and inmate life. prison AA group represented by prison will make a group c o n t a c t in t h o s e attending t h e meeting had no one c a n handle t h e ex-inmate in At first we could not fully undera group t o which h i s welcome i s e v e r violated a s i n g l e extra privi- h i s early d a y s outside s o well a s stand what AA w a s a l l about and assured.” another “ex” who had made t h e s o we were content t o simply s i t There w a s g e n e r a l agreement t h a t ledge they had b e e n accorded. T h e r e w a s nothing but t h e highest grade. Warden Dowd, happily articulate and watch … Finally, through t h e AA program worked virtual won- of commendation for t h e way t h e widened education of alcoholism, d e r s with men s t i l l under confinement. T h e r e w a s testimony, for exprogram had worked . .. while t h e in h i s a n a l y s e s a s w e l l a s enthus i a s t i c , a l s o s t r e s s e d t h e imporour experience with out AA groups, and our daily witnessing of miracuinmate-members were s t i l l within t a n c e of help from outside AAs in lous c h a n g e s in inmates and their ample, that not one prisoner who w a s a member of t h e prison AA prison walls. Mid-western parole officers who making t h e prison program countrywide a s w e l l as in t h e Mid- … resultant good behavior, we began a d e e p study of t h e program. A s a group w a s involved in t h e recent and much publicized riot a t Jackattended t h e s e s s i o n s i n Indiana a l s o were fervent in their hope U1est … r e a c h i t s f u l l fruition in result, w e found in almost every s o n , Michigan. Warden Dowd s a i d t h a t new a c c e n t s a n d e x t e n s i o n s t h e d e s i r a b l e procedures of reha- instance that AA i s the greatest he and h i s a s s o c i a t e s had “learn- of AA work c a n be provided t o h e l p bilitation. s i n g l e rehabilitation aid ever inaug-

.. . . . . e d t h a t many of out so-called in- bolster t h e morale and t h e “I predict,” s a y s t h i s warden, urated in a prison environment. f * that Alcoholics Anonymous, with c o r r i g i b l e ~and trouble-makers who “We found on closer research had embraced t h e AA program had achievements of men who a r e r e l e a s e d from prison and who sin- t h e h e l p of good outside leadership, … that t h e only way for AA t o become quiet, orderly and well- c e r e l y w i s h t o t a k e u p constructive will be t h e g r e a t e s t weapon we function properly in any prison enmannered inmates . .. t h a t t h e des i r e for self-discipline within t h e citizenship, T h e y a r e fighting t h e traditional s t a t i s t i c which i n s i s t s have ever known t o keep a l c o h o l i c s from returning t o prison. And when vironment w a s by keeping it within t h e framework of t h e 12 AA Tradigroup and within t h e individual t h a t nine out of 10 r e l e a s e d prison- we consider that over 60 per c e n t tions. T h i s w a s like a challenge. (AA) member w a s by far more ef- of men entering prison admit t o a n So, we proceeded … hesitatingly fective than a n y form of corrective e r s w i l l b e back behind s t o n e w a l l s within five years. e x c e s s i v e u s e of alcohol, that a t first … t o relax a few prison punishment we had known.” T h e s e parole officers, keenly when a man l e a v e s prison t h e restrictions and rules which were T h e r e w a s talk, too, encourag- cognizant of t h e good AA c a n do, c h a n c e s a r e eight or nine out of 10 a s old a s the prisons themselves. ing talk, about s o l u t i o n s t o t h e want t o fortify t h e a s s u r a n c e that that he will be back within five T o our gratification, nothing unusmany p o b l e m s which confront a a parolee c a n find AA h e l p i n h i s years, t h e full significance of t h a t ual happened … for t h e inmate AA prison administrator in h i s spon- new private life a s e a s i l y and a s statement c a n b e f e l t by t h e sin- cherished and guarded t h o s e ads o r s h i p of AA uvrk within a prison. There are, of c o u r s e , certain funs a t i s f a c t o r i l y a s h e did in jail. T h e y want parolees, who have a c c e r e AA who is wholeheartedly working with t h e alcoholic prison- … ditional privileges. fq Looking deeper into the damental r u l e s which must b e fol- quired t h e AA philosophy during er.” different prison groups (of AA) we lowed in a n y maximum-security confinement, t o b e helped and en- Warden Dowd, in fact, outlines discovered that some boasted of prison. Bringing t h o s e prison r u l e s couraged t o carry t h e m e s s a g e out- t h e whole prison program, and t h e larger memberships than other pris-

ons of e q u a l inmate population; In varying language, the concluthat the ratio of inmate a l c o h o l i c s s i o n s of Warden Dowd were repeatwho entered t h e inmate groups and ed by the other prison authorities continued with t h e program while who attended .. . a l l of them highimprisoned varied in most c a s e s , ly gratified with t h e work AA i s a s did t h e percentage of inmate doing within prison walls, a l l of AAs who continued with AA in t h e them prayerfully hoping that AA free world when released. We a l s o and other c i t i z e n s will find the learned that some parole officers way t o make t h i s individual imwere more fortunate in their work provement s t i c k when t h e inmates with alcoholic parolees than others. return t o prison life. T h e s e differences among many o t h e r s came t o light during our re- When t h e l a s t s e s s i o n of the consearch. ference adjourned, t h e 196 inmates tt T h u s , it became imperative and t h e 617 outside c i t i z e n s r o s e that a l l prison groups should pool . together. . a s a n y other audience their common experiences, s h a r e might d o … intermingled, tubbed them with one another for t h e com- shoulders and made for t h e various mon good. P e n o l o g i s t s a r e practical doors of t h e assembly halls. T h e and s i n c e r e men and want t o know 6 17 made their way t o outside exits. t h e right answers.” T h e 196 aimed for doors t o inside That, s a i d Warden Dowd, w a s corridors. T h e r e were no s p e c i a l responsible for t h e F i r s t Regional guards, no regimented separation. Conference, and, h e continued, “if Some old-time penal authorities nothing Qore than t h e moral lift present were momentarily shocked and wonderful inspiration t o con- a t t h i s lack of traditional caution tinue t o greater glory t h e excellent in a maximum-security institution. work of AA behind prison w a l l s But they were gratified, too, that had resulted … t h e conference armed a l e r t n e s s w a s not needed in t h i s c a s e . T h e y had s e e n AA and would have b e e n worth many times t h e effort and work which went into i t s influence a t work once more it.” in i t s amazing fashion.

October 1 9 5 2

“But for the grace of God .. 39

T o the oldtimer, t h e words may w e l l mean: “By God’s

g r a c e 1 h a v e a t t a i n e d a n d maintained s o b r i e t y ; I am making

p r o g r e s s i n growth a l o n g t h e l i n e s s u g g e s t e d in t h e program

T HE words of J o h n Bradford, E n g l i s h P r o t e s t a n t martyr, of recovery.”

T o AAs who volunteer t o c a r r y t h e m e s s a g e i n s i d e prison a r e a familiar motto in n e a r l y e v e r y room where AA group

meetings a r e in s e s s i o n . F o u r centuries a g o , in 1552 A.D., w a l l s , John Bradford’s words h a v e a n o b v i o u s and s p e c i a l

t h e p a s t o r of London’s St. P a u l ‘ s is s u p p o s e d t o h a v e s a i d : meaning t h a t m a k e s it a s p e c i a l privilege t o e x t e n d t h e help-

“But for t h e g r a c e of God there g o e s J o h n Bradford,” when- ing hand of t h e AA way t o t h o s e now behind s t e e l b a r s … e v e r h e s a w e v i l – d o e r s taken t o jail. who, on r e l e a s e , a r e determined never a g a i n t o be in front

T o AAs, t h e p h r a s e h a s come t o have a broader meaning of mahogany bars.

. . .t o e a c h AA’s own d e s i r e and c i r c u m s t a n c e . F o r a l l , t h e r e is g r a c e a l o n g t h e T w e l v e S t e p w a y … T o t h e newcomer, t h e words may w e l l mean: “But for that g r a c e which is t h e i n f l u e n c e of God o p e r a t i n g in man

t h e g r a c e of God I would s t i l l be drinking; I would not t o regenerate . . . or t o s t r e n g t h e n . , . have found AA.” Or, simply, t o be within o n e ‘ s own s e l f .. . free. EDITORIAL

October 1 9 5 2

prison will make a group contact in the outside AAs in any activity A Grapevine a group t o which his welcome i s necessary for the Fellowship t o assured.” function in the most e&ctive man- Milestone The Indiana State Prison (Michi- ner. Wardens had already demon- ‘ gan City), Indiana Reformatory (Pen- strated their sincerity and genuine dleton), Indiana Women’s Prison cooperation by relaxing a few age- Report Indiana State Farm (Greencastle) old p i s o n traditions t o facilitate and the U.S. Penitentiary (Terre the forming and the actual work of Indiana loins Haute) are cooperating in the pro- the Fellowship. gram, along with 29 communities of Major credit, however, for the or- Illinois Indiana and t h e e communities in ganization of the Fellowship re- Michigan and three in neighboring flects on inmates who comprise the t o form another Illinois. membership of the five “RAR-less The Fellowship’s only and pri- AA” groups at Michigan City. The link in the mary purpose h a s been defined a s world’s first regional conference of five-fold: AA Prison Groups was held there chain of help (1) T o carry the message t o al- in May 1952, under sponsorship of coholic prisoners and inmates con- the 1% “insiders” a t the State for alcoholics fined t o Indiana prisons and insti- Prison. Its s u c c e s s and the deter-

FELLOWSHIP whoever or tutions. (2) T o visit the various inside mination of the “BAR-less” members that they wanted AA when they groups and a s s i s t them in their AA got “outside,” have now been uansof wherever they meetings. (3) T o provide experienced outlated into the reality of the new broad-base F e l l w s h i p . may b e . . . s i d e counselling for all inside groups and individual members. Carrying out the five-point service will be in the capable hands (4) T o provide outside AA con- of “outside”volunteer chatter Feltact and genuine assistance t o a l l lowship members. T h i s will be work

W ITH formal complerion of the aganization of the Indiana Fellowship of Alcoholic Prisoners, a At a conference of wardens, a t which final details for the Fellowship were a p p o v e d , Hoosier goveradministrative and parole officials in their work with the alcoholic inentirely of AAs genuinely interested in carrying the message through mate. barred windows and assisting in unique new service aid fa inmates nor Henry F. Schricker launched (5) T o provide sound plans for the successful conclusion of the of five penal institutions has come the experimental project with t h i s following through on the AA w a k only purpose of the alcoholic prisinto being. The Fellowship i s not conclusion: “It i s apparent that for and techniques accomplished in- oner who sincerely and honestly related, nor i s it endorsed by Alco- the p i s o n groups t o d o the maximum s i d e when the inmate AA i s paroled embraces the AA program while inholics Anonymous a s a whole, nor good there must be an interested or released, and t o assure immedi- carcerated. And this purpose i s m y AA goup. It functions inde- AA in every community in the Cen- a t e outside contact and group affili- identical t o the purpose of any mempendently of bath in the same man- tral States, one who i s familiar with ation. ber of free society who enters AA ner a s a club a ather activities and sympathetic t o the work being With the purpose of the Fellow- on the outside. not coming within the f r a m e r a k of done. There i s no other way t o b e s h i p outlined, s t a t e officials pledg- In the past there has been a ten- AA’s Traditions. s u e the AA inmate who leaves ed their unconditional support t o dency t o limit the scope of tk ac-

tivities of visiting AAs of particu- substantially s e t up on a working that perhaps here i s t h e med icine too, who become interested and ,aclar prison groups t o the s t a t e and basis. that some of t h e chronic slippers tive and then drift away. Rut there locale in which t h e institution i s T h e Indiana Fellowship d i f f e r s needed. Who were w e t o s a y ? We a r e a l w a y s t h e old faithful who get located. It would b e p o s s i b l e t o only slightly from t h e Fellowship thought that it w a s a l s o apparent more and more interested and there hold t h e s e limits but for one signif- that n o one should g o t o prisons out a r e forever new AAs coming in who in Illinois and t h i s i s due t o the icant fact, almost a l w a y s unrecog- of curiosity. .and that n o one must will eventually g e t into the “old geographical p o b l e m of population nized b y outside AAs. In every g o and talk down to the “poor un- faithful” c l a s s . centers. Both s t a t e s have the same prison g o u p many, in some c a s e s pattern of purpose and procedure. fortunates.” Nor must anything b e “The subject should n a be as high a s 6m of t h e members, a r e T h e Illinois Fellowship w a s form- s a i d of the material benefits that c l o s e d without saying that we befrom other s t a t e s than the one in e d in 1948 t o carry the message g o with sobriety lest a n impression lieve the d a y will come when most which they a r e imprisoned. T h e s e t o the then new J o l i e t S t a t e v i l l e b e created that one joined AA for of t h e work in t h i s field will b e men will want t o return t o their AA groups. However, their work in gain. done by men who a r e b e s t equipped tt native s t a t e s u p o n r e l e a s e and d i s – t h e p a s t few years h a s spread t o At a n y rate, a s a practical be- t o d o it, former inmates who have charge whenever possible. It log- many prisons in many s t a t e s and it ginning, t h e s i x of us who started made good on the outside. None of t h e Illinois Fellowship in 1948, u s c a n know t h e men a s t h e y know ically follows that e&ctive work cannot b e confined t o a n y determinh a s perhaps done more t o foster and further the Alcoholics Anony- agreed that we would t a k e a visitor them … nobody e l s e will be so convincing. T h e r e a r e difficulties ed locality, but must eventually mous program behind prison w a l l s or twowith u s e a c h time w e attendbecome, if not national, a t l e a s t than a n y other one s i n g l e thing. ed a meeting in t h e institutions. of tradition and practical problems Some of them would b e interested of mechanics which will take time regional in s c o p e t o achieve a n overall p o s s i b l e s u c c e s s . Active Always on c a l l and serving a s a n inspiration t o Indiana AAs, three and some would not. We have adhered t o that haphazard s y s t e m t o overcome … but the s t a r t h a s been made and the w a k h a s proand corresponding members should of t h e original s i x men were inb e k n w n in every locality, and vited t o s e r v e a s Illinois members and it h a s been a s u c c e s s . Per- gressed splendidly t o date. community. of t h e Indiana Charter Member Com- haps one out of a dozen outside “No comment on t h i s subject It i s a l s o imperative that t h e mittee. visitors s t a y s with the p i s o n w a k would be fair and complete if it Fellowship and t h e prison groups A Chicago attorney who s e r v e s faithfully over a long period of failed t o recognize the tremendous time. T h o s e who do, fix their own p a n that Warden Joseph E. Ragen which it s e r v e s be allowed t o function without d i c i a l interference, a s t h e unpaid secretary of the Illinois Fellowship, and who d e v o t e s respective contributionof work o n e man may go t o t h e institution .. . of Joliet and Warden Alfred F. Dowd a s regards guard supervision a t a great d e a l of h i s time t o prison of i n d iana have played in t h e sucmeetings and official supervision AA work d e s p i t e a heavy law prac- twice a month … another twice a cess of t h e program in their instiof inmate AA activity. It n e e d s of- tice, h a s t h i s t o say: year. Others a r e interested on a tutions. In retrospect we realize ficial understanding s u c h a s t h e “It w a s apparent from t h e be- differing b a s i s of taking one or what a brave and radical departure BAR-less AA Fellowship group en- ginning that a n y attempt t o foster more ex-inmates a s protegees after they made from accepted prison joys under t h e sponsorship of AA in prisons w a s not t h e run-of- their release. practices when they permitted in- Warden Dowd, who h a s given a the-mill 12th S t e p work. T h e r e were “One thing i s very apparent. mates t o meet without supervision free hand in a l l procedures not d i s – many obvious differences; we con- T h a t it i s not practical, fa a num- and v i s i t a s t o meet with them t o turbing to t h e precautions necess a r y t o t h e administration of a maxsidered carefully what w e needed in t h e men who would take part in ber of reasons, t o have AA groups a s e n t i t i e s , identified with t h e work. For personal reasons, busi- … aid their discussions. T h i s w a s unheard of yet t h e s e pioneers believed that AA w a s c n t i t l d to imum security prison. Accordingly the project. T h e y had t o b e a s det h e Indiana S t a t e Prison AA Group will only serve a s a Service Head- . pendably sober a s p o s s i b l e . chro- n e s s affiliations, matters of family, there a r e many who want nothing t o t h e b e s t opportunity they could afford it and in their earnest d e s i r e n i c slippers, we thought were uoquarters until t h e Fellowship i s desirable. Then it occurred t o u s d o with t h i s work.There are those, t o d o whatever would help the men

in their charge to help themselves, Our vision of the future may -&em they took this risk. Had the ex- big, for i t includes like movements periment resulted in any sort of in- setting up in every state, and cident, the embarrassment would through coordination of all, every have been theirs. inmate AA in every prison group “We believe that every alcoholic will be sure of a group contact in who ever goes to prison anywhere a group to which his welcome i s will be indebted to Wardens Ragen and Dowd for the vital part they played in putting AA in prison on assured fornia . …. . from Maine to Califrom Texas t o the North Pole. This vision will become a a basis which permits it t o accom- reality through the interest and plish the maximum good. Incident- sincere work of outside AAs who ally, they affaded AAs on the out- are genuinely concerned with h e l p side the most gratifying 12th Step ing the alcoholic prisoner t o recwwork the program can der.” cry. These men who d o this work say that each meeting with an in- In closing, may we say that ev- side group reminds them of the erything in a about AA is big and

…. . motto which hangs in every AA great, for greatness grows only from meeting room “but /or h e love and service toour fellow man. grace of God. “

EDkTOR’S NOTE: As of October 1, 1952, your General Service Headquartas has listed p i s o n groups in all states of the Union except Arkansas, Delaware, Louisiana, Nonh Dakota, Tennessee, and wyoming. There is a l s o a prison group in the Territory of Hawaii and in all Provinces of the Dominion of Canada. While total prison populations are, of course, among the world’s most accurate census figures, there are no records kept of the t a a l AA prison membership. It is believed, however, that approximately 7,500 inmates are represented in the 143 p i s o n groups listed, with memberships varying from 15 t o 400.

JANUARY 1953

Ty2E. we live in a world stunned f i e grief of m i ~ ~ i o n s hangs over us like a pall. Weare all outlook: m y welfare requires ).om welfare. simple but incomparable prayer, “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who frespass against us.” Diffi- Many of us still shy away from the seeking a new beginning In our pres- spiritual side of the A A program, cult ideal to realize? Yes. And so it FROM WITHIN ent disappointments and bewilderments, we are at a loss as to just where we must start or what we ihould d o especially the alcoholic prisoner. T o me, this is the most essential phase of is difficult to climb a mountain, but how else can one extend his view? Is the whole AA program. By no means it an impracticable doctrine? On the THESE WALLS to rid ourseIves of the turmoil within our hearts and souls which hampers does it show a weakness, quite to the contrary. N o other teacher has evinced contrary, it has not only been successfully tried by tens of thousands but it our contentment, self-respect, respect such a perfect knowledge of human commends itself to the reason. for others, and peace of mind. nature. It shows us how to be tender Nothing, except being forgiven, so The AA program and its traditions without being weak, how to be strong relieves the heart as forgiving; no burand simple philosophy can be the without being proud or arrosant and den is heavier to carry than revenge. answer to all of our frustrations, if we it proves how much more potent love Longing to get even may be natural, will only let it. Many of us still is than force. It has been built upon but forgiveness is moral triumph of the fail to recognize that the AA program a moral structure of solid rock, and first magnitude. The desire for rebends over backwards to furnish us experience has shown how wisely it is venge poisons the life of the one who with a better understanding of our- adapted to man’s every need. For the cherishes it; the taking of revenge selves and others. W e fail to recog- noisy scramble for gain ant1 selfish embitters the one upon whom it is nize that the thing most needed to all advantage, it has substituted a penccful visited. Revenge begets revenge, while is understanding and the willingness rivalry doing good. estimating life, forgiveness melts the stony heart and to include others in our own welfare. not by its accumulations, but by its b r i n g rcconciliations. Difficult as it AA has helped many of us to gain contribution to the sum of human may be to cultivate the spirit of fora new conception of attitudes towards happiness. giveness, its worth can not be doubted, those who are distressed; but have we Thc alcoholic prisoner has a ten- neithcr can we doubt its efficacy as a A yet gone far enough towards a better dency to look upon the world through compelling force. The heart can resist understanding of our neighbors and a mist of resentments. Thanks to AA, any other weapon but this one. our G o d ? There is a tendency among many of us have been brought back PRISONER us to see the devastation wrought by a to the parental hearth of a Higher Let us remind ourselves that if we wish for a new beginning, we ourtoo self-centered philosophy. Power, whom I choose to call God. If selves must make some specific efforts FINDS W e need a complete change from I werc asked to namc the sentence in towards that which we are seeking. ‘

self-interest to that love of mankind Christ’s Gospel which gives most in- Neither can we start at the top rung of A KEY which sinks the interest of self in the herent and cohc~usivc proof of his our Twelve Steps. W e must start at interest of others. An intelligent self- knowledge of man, I would point to the very bottom and forever work upinterest takes in the interest of others. the Beatitude, “Blessed are the pure ward. W e must ever bear in mind that IN As we increasingly grow the habit of in heart, for they shall see God.” If I the great end in view is righteousness, including the interest of others in our were asked to point out words whic41 justice between man and man, the FAITH considerations, we should gradually more clearly than any other differen- chance to lead our lives on a somewhat build the habit of liking to include the tiate the teachings of Christ, from the higher level, with a broader spirit of interest of others. It would be enough utterances that have fallen from unin- brotherly goodwill one for another. if we could at l e s t achieve this basic spired lips, I would quote from his H.K.,H x ~ ? s ~ ~ d l Tex.e,

F e b r u a r y 1953

I / IN A FEW WEEKS, GEORGE AND HIS FRIENDS GOT A LETTER FROM CHARLES:

A Tale Central Group Alcoholics Anonymous Greenville, South Carolina Dear Friends: of It is with a feeling of shame and remorse and also relief that I am

Two AAs writing this letter. The shame and remorse come from the feeling that I have let a11 of you down. The relief comes from getting something off my chest that has been eating on me for some time. Some of you will probably remember me, others of you won’t. I joined your group last May after a prolonged bout with the bottle. was a worker in a Southern textile mill. He was a drunkard. His G”””‘ ltttle wife who had a God-like soul stuck to him although, once when At that time I was on Federal probation on a liquor law violation and was called to appear before Judge W on a charge of probation drunk, he struck her in the face and broke her jaw. violation because of my drinking. One of your members, George. rppexcd Then in utter desperation he came to AA when urged to do so by his minister. in court with me and spoke to Judge W in my behalf, and as Here George found “something” and found himself. When driving home one a result of his talk the judge continued my probation. Some of you called night from an AA meeting. he pulled off the road and uttered this prayer. the probation officer in my behalf. T o all of you who helped me at that He said it was “the prayer of a drunk who knew not how to pray”: time, I w s . 2nd still am grateful, although I realize I haven’t shown it. “God, I know not who you are, or where you are, but it has been proven After that I attended several meetings and was getting something out of to me in the last few days that you have Power to keep men sober for one them, because I knew that you had something different from all the other day at a time, if they will ask. I am not going to start confessing a11 my things I had tried and was greatly attracted by the deep humility shown at wrongdoings, for if I do, I will be here in the highway for the next six the meetings a m o k the members. But for some reason I began to think months, and they will put me in jail or in the state hospital. I know you that I could walk alone again and that I didn’t need AA. Not very long are aware of everything I have done since I was born. I am asking that you after that I had a slip, as some members call it, but which in my case was a help me to stay sober one day at a time, twenty-four hours a day, and I will little premeditated because I more or less ‘felt one coming on’ and knew help myself to the best of my ability. Now God, I know even you will in my conscious mind that I should never take that first dritlk. Nererthebare a hard job keeping me sober for just one day, but if you do have a less it happened and I wound up before Judge W again, this little time left over, please help me to live a little better life, one day at a time done, because I was too ashamed and remorseful to call upon anyone time, and I will try to help myself in this matter.” again. Some of you may understand how I felt. The judge gJve me a sentence of one year and one day and five years’ probation to follow upon George did well. Christmas, 1952 was his first sober Christmas in seventeen completion of the prison sentence. I am now serving this sentence here at !~ars. the Federal Correctional Institution. George began his Twelfth Step work as soon as he joined AA. He found a But I have one consolation. AA is here too and I am attending re~ularly friend, Charles, who was out on Federal probation and brought him to AA. now and with the help of God I don’t think I will ever again be so ioolish Charles had already violated his probation several times when George found as to feel that I can live a life of sobriety without it. Our group consists him. and shortly after joining AA he was ordered to appear before the Federal of approsimately thirty members and is sponsored by and has th: wholejudge again. hearted support of the Institution’s officials. This time, George appeared in court with Charles and the judge extended his In all sincerity, parole. Then Charles did not show up at AA and some wondered where he was. Chnrler (Gree~willr.5. C. )

March 1 9 5 3

M ANY .isk: ‘ W h a t good can inan get out of Alcoholics An- ;r

onymous while serving time in prison ?” AA in prison is not primarily a means of keeping us away from alcohol; the granite blocks that impound us do that. But where a block of granite may be an obstacle in the path of some men, others find they can use it as a stepping stone to elevate themselves. We find in AA that by becoming humble, we become honest. Prison ? By becoming honest we lessen our emotional conflicts. By lessening our all our affairs. We are p u ~ ~ i n b ‘ into acconflicts, we clear our mental chan- tion, honesty, tolerance, humility, and nels for acceptance of the Power good fellowship while we are confined, greater than ourselves. which is helping us to prepare out- We who are members of the Folsom selves now for our eventual social re- Prison AA Fellowship are sick and version. The general consensus of tired of battering our stubborn heads men in prison who are finding a better against prison walls’and are trying to way of life by living the AA program find the answers to the causes that is that they are finding a way to slay brought us here. The first answer we out of prison, not finding 3 way to gel found was elf, as the initial cause of o ~ tfrom behind bars. our misfortunes. In AA, we are learn- W e find in prison AA the difference ing to correct our shortcomings and between spending a happy day and inovercome the human traits of charac- vesting it. ter weakness that have led us to do the AA in prisod is like an oasis in the things responsible for bringing us into Sahara; it’s the smile of a friend when prison. We are taking misfortune all else seems forsaken. AA in prison and converting it into opportunity by is a device to shrink a man’s head and establishing now, a strength of charac- expand his heart. AA in prison shows ter for preventing a recurrence of us where real happiness begins and prison. The old adage, “an ounce of selfishness ends. AA in prison is for prevention is worth a pound of cure,” all men who seek peace of mind and can certainly be practiced by getting who have found the courqe to look a better insight into ourselves while in into themselves. prison and by practicing the principles B.P.. Folsom AA Fsllow~hip set forth in the Twelve Steps of AA in Repres’r. C.difornia

MAY 1953

family, no purpose or faith in a future, A Little Courage no hope or courage, no God. This, then, is the man that came to this enough; that reading the Bible was not enough; that prayer alone was not enough. I leatned that spiritual underprison from Detroit’s skidrow about standing, with its reward that passeth

Replaced the Big Fur two years ago, completely whipped. Some things have happened to me since then. When I first arrived at all understanding, is not handed out merely for the asking, or bought for a price. the prison, so help me, the interviewer I must diligently pursue these things: In my opinion, a spiritual ex- was friendly. I expected everything with an honest, sincere heart. With. perience is an individual under- else, but not friendliness. So I gave a fervent desire to put off the old man standing between a man and his the guy both barrels, I cut loose with and gain the new; with no deals on Creator. But does that statement all my troubles. I was told that AA the side. These, then, werc the condianswer the question for a man could and would help me, and that tions that I would have to meet in who has never had such an my handitap would be taken care of order to take Step Three, “Made a understanding? I think not ! So, by experts. (This has since been done. decision to turn our will and our lives perhaps, if you will bear with Both the doctor and I are proud of the over to the care of God as we yndermc. I can help by telling of my results.) stand him.” own. With that successful operation, hope About a year has passed since then I was born with a handicap, returned. With hope came the want and I’ve learned a lot. What I believe il physical handicap made worse to pray, and with that want came the to be my original personality is being by an immediate operation. At ability to pray the prayer of faith. I restored, and my entire outlook on life the age of fifteen, when 1 be- like to believe that in answer to those and my attitude toward my fellow man came conscious of the opposite prayers came the ability to do some has changed. Courage has replaced the sex, I was all the more aware serious thinking. The first serious, big fear. I am convinced that as long of it. It was a source of constant. sober thinking in many years. as I keep my end of the bargain, God unrelenting embarrassment. The With my new-found hope there will keep his. I will continue to grow country was in the throes of prohibition; the gin mills were easy to find. I soon could not hare been a more determ- in wisdom and understanding of this found out what to do about my embarrassment . . . ined man to make a last desperate new life. The strength that I receive Sixteen more years slipped by. In each one I sank lower and lower. My real effort for sobriety and the things of through my faith will smooth the personality and the talents endowed in me by the Creator were pushed aside the spirit. I attended AA and the rough spots, and never a p i n will the because I chose to be led by the dictates of the physical senses. I have won church of my choice. I read all the pressure be too great. and lost two wives, both jewels, as most characters like myself seem to be able AA material I could get; and I read For now I’m not going it alone. to win. I have been through the treatments, hospital observations, and what the Bible. I soon learned that merely H.E., Itmate Cronp, have you. It was always the same: you are a chronic alcoholic; no solutiort attending AA meetings was not Iark~oir,~Michilan ofered. At 31 years of age came not my first, but my first seriozrr brush with the law. . Two years . . Next a three yesc bout with the military . . . MPs and court martials, army psychos and stockades. All for AWOL and drinking, ending AUTO-INTOXICATION; OR, Y O U CAPITALIST, YOU! with the undesirable (blue) discharge in 1945. To get a driver’s license in Czechoslovakia (assuming you can get a car) you The remaining years were one continuous round of short confinements in have to swear: “Knowing that drunkenness is a heritage of capitalism, I swear various sections of the country, with benders in between. Alone, no friends or never to touch alcohol.” (Hic!)

June 1953

an d- Tlie confinement of this friend is I coholichadandawasfriendafraidwhoto was ONCE His mother did not want her son to admit that become a bootlegger, for she felt he When his father came home and found him drunk he received another the result of alcoholism. but today he is happy because he found his self in alcohol had brought him to his defeat. would become a drunkard. So, to stop spanking and a dose of castor oil. He had so many excuses to drink, he his intentions before it was too late From then on the boy thought he’d AA, even if behind prison walls. He didn’t know which one to use for his she called him in the house and gave show his parents he could get drunk is proud to believe in the Man Above next binge! him a good spanking. This made the and do as he pleased. as he sees the righteous ways, and is I remember the first drink he ever boy mad and he felt his mother didn’t Now the boy is 30 years old and is very grateful that AA has shown him had. When a boy, he and his pals want him to become a businessman. spending his life behind prison bats. friends within himself, and that he would ride bicycles up and down high- While having his mad spell, and And after his f i year in confinement has found a way to proceed to success ways looking for whisky bottles to with his pals gone and no one to he has found peace within his elf with more happiness and a sober mind. sell. An idea came in his mind .. . understand his intentions, he felt he and fellowship in AA and verily be- He has found friendship within himself and sincerely believes he will to drain each bottle into one, hoping was unwanted. He kept getting mad- lieves that the Good Man above has to fill a bottle to sell for spending der and madder and he thought to shown him the right and a way to make amends. money. make things even he would drink the make amends to his parents and the . I might add that this friend is . . His mother became curious about amount of whisky he and his pals had world of society. me, myself, and I. And my friendship his doings and asked him his inten- poured into one bottle. After drink- This fellow also believes that neither is within myself and AA. tions. ing this amount he lost his mad spell his parents nor society are to blame E.E.M., Darrington State Farm, “I am going to sell this and make a and felt very big. He felt big enough for his confinement. Sandy Point, Tex. lot of money,” he replied. to do as he pleased.

November

way until your time is up; if you’re lot of people live poorly by com- . unlucky you live through troubled parison) but was it worth it? times-riots, guns barking, men Most of us will answer with an screaming, glass breaking, wood emphatic NO. splintering, curses, groans and mut- Some of us have found AA in tered prayers. here. That’s on the credit side. We Your number comes up for the needed it and feel it has done us EHVOUS, tense, apprehensive, ex- teeth and tonsils and finally you left N pectant, worried . . yes, all tho% the receiving ward for the idle range. , adjectives describe that fretful period Your first walk into A and B Farm and again the interviews begin and finally you take a bus ride and good and we intend (Hell’s paved with good intentions) to continue exchange the O.P. Greys for the actively in AA no matter when we ‘known as “Waiting on the Board.” Block, the troubled look up and. L.P.F. Dungarm. You see the Dep- a n granted our freedom. By prac- You have experienced an arrest, down the long ranges, the strange uty, the Chaplain, then return to the ticing the principles of AA and livr wait in the County Jail, a trial that trio you were to live with, filled you Deputy and are assigned another job. ing the program without r e ~ ~ a t i o n , kept your nerves on edge, and pulled with fear. The closeness of your con: At Iast you breathe a sigh of re- we hope some day to effect reconcilithat last ounce of vitality from you finement pressed upon you, $mother- lief; once more you cur settle down, ations with wife, children, family and so that the sentence pronounced by ing you, causing a lump in do your work, build your time and friends; to build again for outselves the Court was antitlimactic; you throat and breast and making you, get your nerves quieted. and our loved ones a constructive were exhausted beyond caring what wish you could take down your hair ‘ But, son-you’re mistaken; you’re existence; to become givers rather happened to you, wanted only to be and have a good cry. into your ninth month, your preg- than grabbers. left alone, away from the prying eyes Then when you had begun io’ nancy is about over and you start to Again, as a credit item we have of curiosity-seekers and the searching think yoq’d been forgotten, the met- labor toward your ultirmte goal- attained humility, been knocked off inquiries of the police and prose- ry-go-round caught ybu again and’ fmdom-and the wheels start to the pinnacle of self-esteem too lightly cutor. you ended up with,a job assignment turn for your first trip to the Board. earned, too jealously displayed. The Then came the transfer to the and another move to a different blodc You take a psychometric test, a lesson will Iast most of us for our Walls … that long high stretch of and range. Your cell-mates were new little matter of some six hundred life-times. cold gray stone that was to keep you again, their habits set over the years, questions; then the Institution Parole We’ve also met a number of men away from society for the length of their likes and dislikes well formed Officer sends you an invitation to we’d be glad to call friend on the your sentence. and you had to learn, all over again, appear — for another interview. outside, but there is the other ek- But there was no respite here.. to conform to your new. living .? , By this time all your resolves to ment we wouldn’t be caught dead Everyone from the Deputy Warden quarters. be d m , cool and collected fly right with. We know remorse, shame, reto the fellow in the next bunk plied You fall into a lethargic routine, out the window and vou start count- gret, worry and fear of the unknown; you with questions. You were asked, . .. get up, work, eat, read and go’ ing the days, you t k d turn, moan the thought is always “What will told, examined, re-examined, tested, back to bed. March, stop, take. off and groan; sleep becoma harder to happen next?’ dressed, undressed, photograplied, your cap, sit down, stand up-then achieve, restlessness is the order of Most of us admit that never again fingerprinted and classified. Your do it again. ., . the day and you start to eye the over- in our lives do we want to experience I.Q. was probed along with your If you’re lucky it continues this h a d pipes for ,one strong enough another term of penal servitude. to “Hang it up on” if you get a flop. Alcohol and prison are two words But seriously, fellows, it’s been a that have become synonomous to me rough year. Grtainly you’ve hen -from now on I’m allergic to both. fed, clothed, housed and kept warm, Ralph M., you’ve had the best medical and sur- London Farm Grasp, gical attention if you rquired it (a London, Obi0

July 1 9 5 4

PRISON GROUP GIVES THANKS

W Eof ofAlcoholics the Helping Hand Group fine articles printed in the Graprvine. Anonymous, Lon- Each and every one &.been an in-

“don Prison Farm, London, Ohio would spiration to this group and we humbly ,. like to take this opportunity to thank thank you for helping the incarcerated the v~riousmembers who have so con- man to learn a new way of life wherein sistently devoted much of their time’ he might once again become a respected : to assist this group through leads citizen in a good community and live ; and individual attention since this the AA way of life. We, in turn, hope . group was organized; the many, many to carry the message to our fellow dco- ! penal groups that have written to holic and help him, as you have us. us and contributed many articles Helping Hdnd Group, London Prison and suggestions; the Central Group Farm, London, Ohio . in Columbus, Ohio for the wonderful assistance they have repeatedly rendered when we really needed a helping hand; for the complete cooperation that the General Service Headquarters in New York has given to our little group, also, the personal attention that Eve L. has contributed through her correspondence. and last, but not least, the Editorial Staff of the Grapevine for the help that we have received through the

August 1954

IS now ai~cptcd protcdutx t h ~ tthe ti~is’institulionliterature packngc as a The Hand o/ Fellowship job of supplying speakers for the method of supporting the institution regular meetings at J hospital group groups. shall be divided among several groups The prison groups, also, 11avc inin Hospitals and Prisons In the area. This scrws a double pur- c.rc.wd in both group numbers and p s e , in that it relieves any one group, membership this past year. A year or group of members, of carrying the “0 there were 176 prison groups . The exciting story of AA’s growth among men and women in load alone, and it provides the patients with an estimated membership of institutions, as told by the Institution Secretary of General in the hospital with a broader under- 9,000. As of today* there are 234 Service Headquarters to the 4th General Service Conference standing of the program and personal prison groups with an estimated memin April. contact with more outside AA mem- bcrship of over 12,000. Thc growth bers. Since sponsorship has always of prison AA these past few years has been considered a part of any hospital been dramatic, and as these figures program, it frequently happens that a demonstrate, this growth is con. ITH the co-ordination of the the second upon the cooperation of patient will find among the speakers tinuing. W w o k of all institution groups, the outside AA groups. a man from his home town who is happy to introduce him to AA in that COOPERATION I N TEXAS one great difference between these As an example of the necessity of groups and regular outside AA groups community upon his release. The most inspiring example of cothis kind of cooperation, it would has become apparent. It has frequent- Another example of the increased opration and interest on the part of seem apparent that the large increase ly been said that it is only necessary in hospital groups in the past year, interest on the part of many AA mern- penal authorities occurred a few to have hvo AA members, in order to from 101 groups a year ago to 154 at k r s in the whole institution pro- months ago in the State of Texas. have an AA meeting. However, the gram is the response to the special where the Prison Board rcfomrnended the present time, is in large measure success and growth of an institution due to the increased interest on the literature package plan, which was in- that AA become an integral part of group is dependent upon two outside part of many state hospihls as well stituted at General Headquarters last the entire Texas Prison System and summer, in an effort t o . gain more that an AA group be encouraged to factors, as well as on the desire and as doctors, following the establishsupport for the institution groups. function within each of the fourteen sincerity of the members themselves. ment of state commissions and the This plan provides outside groups and units of the System. This decision of First, any in-patient or inmate group legislative recognition of alcoholism members with the opportunity of pur- the Prison Board of the .State of is more successful if it can function as a public health problem. This, chasing $4.00 worth of pamphlets, Texas could be the forerunner of as nearly as possible along traditional coupled with the increased awatrness specially priced at $3.00, if intended similar action in other states, but it lines, with its own officers and com- on the part of many AA members of for an institution group. The Grape- is important to recognize that this COmittees, simila~ to outside groups. the enormous potential for Twelfth uirte cooperated in this so that the operation on the part of institution Secondly, the ultimate success of AA Step work available in hospital group, for both the patient and the inmate total price of an institution literature officials is only one of the factors has stimulated a more concrete and package, including a year’s subxrip- necessary to the healthy growth of an is directly comparable to the support definite planning for the support of the group receives from AA itself. these hospital groups through outside tion to The Grdpez4~e if desired, inmate group. It is up to AAs “on The first condition is dependent upon AA cooperation. comes to only $5.00. The overwhelm- the outside” to provide these inmate the cooperation of the institution and For example, in many localities it ing response was heartwarming in- groups with meetings, with literature. deed. Over 300 orders were received and above all with the extended hand in the first month after the announce- of fellowship. ment, and the groups are still using Tllc past year has demonstrated – –

April, 19J4.

f’ ,t l u t thcre arc mow ~ n t l I;IOI.C A A feeling of soiid inferiority, thrt t!~c total of 465 inmates who have been admitted into the group membership. ~nembers W!IO are 11:..xting tl:c chal- alcoholic. is most sewrely tempt-zri to either paroled or discharged this p a They haw continued to increase Icnge otfc:cd in Ilelping prison A A . return to ~liohol. With tliex pro- year, less than 10% have been re- their own services, and since “sharing Althoqh many lo.-JI ; I : . ~ . I ~IXIVC long qrmls, howcwr, the inmate being rc- turned. Another smaller group has re- the experience,” has been the basis I d active Ins:itu:ion Co~;lrnittceswho Ie:~wd can be I T X ~ at the prison g.lte, ported a similar percentage: since the of so much of AA, the inmates theml u v r been cooperating to the fullest anJ his advent into the group is a1- group was organized. 61 have been selves have made tremendous progwith the entire institution program, rcady prepared. Thus hc does not feel discharged or paroled, and of that ress along these lines. When the insuch as in the State of California, in 11:sitmt about his reception, and can total only three have been returned stitutional work first became coordithe Boston area, and in New Jersey continue without interruption his ef- as parole violators. nated at General Service Head- (to mention but a few) this past year forts to build a new way-of life. quarters, the= were approximately has swn the development of such S C R E E N I N G N E C E S S A R Y eighteen inmate AA publications. At Committees, or l:ellows!~ips as t!wy are the present time there are over 50 of . Although these two outside factors sometimes called, on ;I s:~te-wide them, and most of them include as of institution cooperation and outside basis: The Big Brothers of AA in many of the inmate groups as pos- Ohio; a Committee in Oregon; a AA cooperation are of tremendous sible on their mailing list. In addi- I:cllowship Gro~:p, p;lt::rned somc- importance, the job that the inmates w h t along the lines of the Illinois themselves are doing is an outstand- tion, tape recordings are invaluable for this basic sharing and the ex- 1:ellowship for Alcoholic Prisoners, ing one. They themselves are making individual and collective efforts to change of tapes is also progressing , has bcgun to function in the Statc of rapidly. Therc are now tape record- Washington; the State of Indiana has maintain the quality of thc groups so that this cooperation, so deeply ap- ings available at twelve of the prison als) instituted a I:dlowship for Alco- groups, two groups having as many holic Prisoners; and there is a Fellow- preciated,hay continue. For example, the idea of screening in any AA as seventeen tapes on hand. ship in the State of Arkansas. Colorado has established .a cooperative group is abhorrent to all of us who What are the results of all this in- GSH I N S T I T U T I O N SERVICE program involving the joint efforts of are familiar with AA’s Tradition that stitution activity? AA’s primary pur- anyone is a mmber of AA who says Our services to the institution the inmate group, the prison administration, the parole board m d the outpose is to-help the sick alcoholic to he is. However, most of the larger groups are based largely on this side gro:~ps of Colondo. recover throbgh our AA program, if prison groups have discovered that “sharing of experience.” Exchange he is interested,’and-since this institu- some sort of screening process is nec- Bulletins for both the prison and hostional membership is an integral plrt .tss?ry, in order that the group may pital groups are compiled bi-monthly E X – I N M A T E S ACTI’VE of AA, a few hgures which indicate not be dismpted by men who are not and are mailed to all groups and In- All of these fellowships or move- the degree of success of the inmate sincere in their approach to the AA stitution Committees. Hospital lists ments, many of them sparked by ex- AA m m b e r upon his release are of program. This has happened in dif- and prison lists are compiled annuinmate AAs, involve some sort of di- interest. 4 ferent ways in different groups. S o m ally, and incorporated in ,them is inrect contact between an individual out- One group with an active list of groups have a regular Screening Com- formation which can assist, also, in side AA member and the inmate dur- 103 members. which has been in ex- mittee on inmates, who interview the this “sharing.” For example, on the ing his pre-parole period. This elimi- istence a little over. two years, has prospective mmber. Other groups prison list, publications and tape renates the transition period from the reported that out of 73 mmbers re- have plans whereby beginners’ meet- cordings are listed, as well as inforprison group to the outside group leased, 64 are making good on the ings are held for a long enough pe- mation as to the restrictions and priviwhich is so dangerous to the ex- outside. One of the largest of the riod of time to insure a degwe of leges of correspondence. In addition, inmate, for it is during this period, prison groups with a rtported mem- sincerity upon the part of the pros- each new prison group receives sugwith its loneliness, frustrations and bership of 400, reports that out of a pective member before he is finally gestions on the formation of an in-

mate group, and “quotes from to faith and understanding, and the. penologists.” sure knowledge that love is thc key Such a report as this inevitably with which all of us a n unlock the deals with the over-all picture, but let prison we have built around ,our us not forget that in prisons and hos- hearts. The following quotation. was pitals as in AA everywhere, the indi- included in an inmate’s letter, and it vidual is the important thing. The seems to’express this pro- in felpersonal growth of inmate members, lowship: “I sought my God,. my God is something that we are keenly aware eluded me. I sought my, sod, my: of at Headquarters, for it is our privi- soul I could not see. I sought my lege to read their letters each day. It brother, and there 1 found all,thm.’*~~ is a constant source of inspiration, to by E V ~formerly I watch the transition in correspond- Institution Secretdry, now. ‘ ence, from bitterness and resentment, “ro~ated”to a new job: “. ‘

February 1 9 5 5

Prisoner restoration of character and tell the *ginner that it is up to him whether I

Or he can choose AA. He can make an effort to come back through an he wants to follow that course. If he organization that places responsibility does, it will call for personal honesty, for success on him. He can fail and a selfless devotion to helping others, yet be welcomed back, can come to it o man, who has not served time with prejudice and personal gain as N in prison, can understand or appreciate the problems that face inand a belief in a power greater than himself. He is told that others stand his reasons for attendance, yet not be beside him, ready to help, but that they turned away. However, he will dismates. A conducted tour of the peni- cannot make him take the first step, cover that as long as such an attitude tentiary, talks with the men, and even he must do that himself. resides within him, he will continue ;letten to them cannot give one the AA’s greatest power is not in the to fail. Maybe he will accept the ‘insight necessary to be of much help. program itself, but in the examples of principles of selflessness that are the There is always 3 barrier between: one the men who have followed it. They key to triumph. Or perhaps he’ll sulk man has freedom, the other does not. are individuals reborn, citizens of the back to his cell as blind and doomed Though friendship can develop, it is a highest order becaw their first precept to habitual criminality a he was befriendship of strangers, and it takes is to help where help is wanted. Self- fore. But even if he comes, he will something more than that to bind these ishness and its companions of bitter- find a new world opening. He will two opposites together. This is where ness and intolerance can hardly dwell discover that he is not a forgotten AA can fill the gap. where this principle burns with such being behind walls, but that there are The AA program does not recog- a healing flame. men outside who wish to help him, if nize walls. It is immune to the condi- M is especially needed in prison he will take the first step forward. AA tions which break down an individual because an inmate is too prone to turn is the bridge to that outside help, relationship, the difference in social within, to brew a rancid cup of hate stronger than the help of one person levels, of intellect, of experience. AA and distaste for all humanity. He alone. takes no heed of this. It has one pri- needn’t try to be responsible, needn’t An inmate will find through AA mary law, help your fellow man and try to rebuild. The penitentiary is his that a worthwhile life inside prison do it by example rather than by in- mother, clothing, feeding and guard- means a successful life outside, and struction. It is a strange organization ing him. H e can become a baby and that the fear of returning to a peniin that it wants only failures for mem- let moral and spiritual decay destroy tentiary need never be with him again. bers. Nor does it advertise its virtues whatever may have been good in him. One way lies certain failure, the other or actively seek converts. The man And when he leaves prison, he will way lies renewed opportunity to rewho needs help must want it before carry nothing but rot inside. It will cover something valuable from a11 the AA can be of any value. When this fester and erupt, and the sickness of years that he has wasted. Only a fool is asked, then this group of anonymous his disease will return him to the peni- would refuse to try. men, who have fought through the tentiary where he will moulder and H. T. B., in “The Pioneer,” IVasbingtemptations of alcohol to respectability die. fon State Penitentiary and compassion for others fighting the same battle, are ready to give aid. They show the way that they have taken to

April 1 9 5 5

>’- >I

ting the Twelfth Step into constructive to help a m m find himself and happi:.$ practice. You arc forcing nothing ness. – – , -5: :’4 upon us, rather, you are giving us I am not begging. I don’t thi& r’ something we need badly, something anyone wants to see another rediced 4 we need now. To bolster our newly to the status of beggar. But I am acquired confidence we must have ad- hoping those whom you ask to visit vice and instruction from those of us will do so and give us the boost Inside Looking Out you who have lived the phase of AA we will enter into once we are we need And I am thanking those who have given so generobsly of than- ‘, f ree. selves and their time to &r us.’ Our pleas for your support are not courage and instruction in our new., Ed note: these words from the chairman of o prison group on the the products of a vivid imagination. way of life. ‘, occasion of the group’s first anniversary reveal how much AA means to the many alcoholics ( s t the latest count. some 12,000) in prison groups They are the feeling of men who are Only when a man wants to &mge*,l . around the country, and how mutually important is the contact, wherever sincerely interested in a new way of himself can he be changed for the , . possible, among M s everywhere. life and peace of mind throu~hthe better. And when the ‘decision is program of Alcoholics Anonymous.’ made the help of a friend is desper- ‘ Many of us receive our first intro- ately needed; not an inside friend, I ranisarticlc not the general policy to slant sense of right and wrong-which toward one individual or, separates us from the animal kingduction to AA here in prison where neon signs and dimly lighted bars are but a man on the streets who can ably convince the prison AA metuber * for that matter, towards any group of dom. It is that power which gives us conspicuous by their absence. Dixi- that a niche remains for him outside. individuals. However, I would like the strength to shatter the chains and plinary cells curb our emotional out- Bctween the two, the outside and in- -+; ” to slant this towards you, our outside shackles of alcoholism and take our bursts considerably, and those of us ‘ side members, there will develop a friends. Everywhere prisoner alco- place in a free society of decent law- who just cannot face reality can always complementary form of M.. which? holics need you, just as AAs every- abiding citizens, at peace with God, retreat into our personal shells. But will br,ing happiness and c o n t e n t r n e n ~ ~ where need each other. and at peace with ourselves. if we are to live without these physi- and success,in full measure ,to,both. .-. W e know that AA offers practical From that soul we can gain the con- cal restrictions we know that we must That is the picture of life,.with AAand essential companionship for alco- fidence so sorrowfully lacking in our build personal, mental restrictions, friendship. * \ \r – . . .?r * holics leaving prison. If, then, we are past way of life. We can begin to and we need your help in building In closing I offer hw&i: thanks a

sincerely interested in bringing about realize the potentialities of a new these so that our AA is solid, basic to those of you who have worked so. . a reformation in our lives. we need way of life . . . an AA way of life. stuff. diligently in bringing AA to us your companionship. Our past friend- Yct we need your help. Working with the Corkers Group throughout the past year, and making ships and associations undoubtedly W e need your guidance, and we you will be disappointed occasionally. our first anniversary a successful one. playcd an important role in our need your understanding . . . the kind But surely you have been equally dis- I sincerely hope that we, have ab-‘ present predicament. and to turn to appointed with some stumbling drunk sorbed sufficient honesty and integrity, ; of help, guidance, and understanding past associations would unquestionyou outsidc friends have expressed in on the outside. And maybe some were to make a successful comeback in fm.” : ably wreck our AA way of life, and disappointed in you before you found society. From you I hope we gained:;:; shatter our dreams, hopes and ambi- your Ictters, and visits. sobriety. You will find pleasure, too. serenity to accept the things;we*~an-.~,* tions for a decent and respected place Every time you visit our group, wery The same measure of pleasure your not change, the courage to change the ‘ in free society. time yo11 write a letter to us, and every time you give one of us a bit of friends enjoyed when you turned your will and life over to a power greater things we can, and the, wisdom to: ‘$ 5 , , .”‘” ,,,. ..) . \Ve are each endowed with a soul know the difference. L 8

-in my opinion it is thc intangible courngc and a littlc lift. you are put- thrn yourself. It is no little thing R.R., Coden GO,,^, &hway, N.]$!? . . J,+ %’

May 1 9 5 5

to d ~ s r e g r dA1 oi my more recent .~c.tions,. i d my thou~hts,.~ndupon thoughts of divine power and l i ~ dto tinding anything of J. wrong nature, turn my thoughts back to childhood to d m i t and correct it promptly. This days in order to find the One who I c ~ r r yout ~t the end of each day. I could and would supply that need. Iind then that I am ready to seek: This brought about a decision to: 11. Through daily prayer and ear- 3. Turn my will and my life over to nest meditation to improve my conthe God of my earlier life. I knew scious and living contact with my God. from those bygone days that this God I ask that in me, only His will be of mine would accept this burden and done, praying also that He make His ECENTLY I was uked the question, care only if I would: will known to me and that He be- R *’,hat do you get, or expect to get, out of the AA group or from 4. Make a searching and fearlessly honest moral inventory of myself and: stow in me the power to wrry out His will fully and without reservation. A attending its meetings?” At the time 5. Admit to Him, myself and at great gift such as that I have asked of I gave the answer, “Sobriety”; but least one other human being the extent Him, who alone is great enough to later reflection on this question proved and exact nature of my wrongs. Hw- overcome my obstacles, faults and burthat I had actually realized a great deal in3 made this admission, I then felt dens, brought about in me: more from AA than this very vital ready to ask Him to: 12. A spiritual wakening, so great, need, especially through the group 6. Remove all of these defects of that I now want to carry this message therapy at the closed meetings where character from me and to: to all alcoholics who are desirous of experiences, effects and results were 7. Remove all of my other short- trying to travel with me along thh shown in the discussion. These closed comings by answering my prayers in highway, which lends to a lift of fullsessions gave me a desire to: which I asked that He grant me the ness. pcxe ;ind contentment. 1. Admit to myself that I was pow- serenity to accept the things which I To stay on this road, and merit its erless over alcohol and that it made could not change; that He give to me rewards (for they are many), I must my life unmanageable to the extent the courage to change the things I throughout ,each day inot only preach, ‘

that I landed here in prison. I am now could; and the wisdom to know the but must also practice fully all of these ready to admit that this was in all difference. I soon realized that in my principles in each- and every one of . probability a real break for me because prayer I asked a p e a t deal and this my daily contacts. Keeping to this set it gave me the chance to find myself made me very willing to: of personal requirements will gain for a p i n through AA. Next came the 8. List and make amends to all that me sobriety, honesty and a new code desire to find someone or something to I I l ~ dharmed or to whom I was in any of ethics, that will bring to me as lean upon, 2nd my past experience had way indebted. I knew, too, that these final gifts, the blessings of friendship taught me that this would have to be amends could only be rightly made: through respect; a x n x of charity greater than an ordinary mortal. This 9. Directly to the persons involved through the desire to help others to thinking led to the feeling that: wherever possible, except when to do share in the finding of. a better way 2. A power greater than myself or so would injure them or others. The of life; and above all. a new set of any one person would be necessary to thought of a possible recurrence made values to guide me along higher planes. . restore my sanity and aid me in my me resolve that my best salvation lay in AIJOU.,Sit?,? S h i ~Group, N. Y. desire to work out a new and better making a: Ed. note: see page 15 for a suggestion o n pattern for future living. I found I had 10. Daily inventory of myself, my long-distance Twelfth Step work.

June 1 9 5 5

He spoke of entanglements with the When the judge had sentenced me law and how he had narrowly escaped to the State Prison it was to punish going to prison . . . all through his me, wasn’t it? Where were the guards drinking. that were always present? The speak- I was amazed that a man could get ers, dressed in civilian clothes, had no up in front of an audience and speak guns, no badges, and they were sitting so honestly and sincerely. I looked at here in a room full of convicts . . . him closely and found it hard to be- smiling! lieve that he had been the hard- They didn’t look the least bit drinking, belligerent alcoholic he made frightened, and, I thought to myself, himself out to be. Had I met him on why should they be? T h q were a part the street I would have taken him for of us, a part of the brotherhood of . a retired businessman. alcoholics who, but for the grim of He sat down and when the applause God and the help of AA, might be subsided the chairman opened a dis- sitting right alongside me. cussion on his talk. I noticed the en- These two men had come into the thusiasm of the men around me , as prison to s@ at an M meeting. they asked their questions. There was They didn’t have to; they weren’t almost the same expression on all their getting paid for it. How many more faces. It seemed to say, “We know people out in the f m world were acwhat it is, because we had the same tually interested in helping a man in problems.” It was a look of under- here? I hadn’t thought about that k- . standing and . . brotherhood. Sud- fore. There were a lot of things I denly I wanted to be a part of that hadn’t thought of that were beginning been in the room many times, shirt at the long table in the front brotherhood. to penetrate the dall of confusion I I but somehow. HAD . .this was different. of the room stood with his head bowed. No one spoke. Then, as if I knew now what had made the room seem so different. It was a feelhad lived behind for so long. ‘ When the next speaker got up and The piano still stood in the corner, the red lines on the floor were the same. by some mysterious sign, everyone sat ing I used to have as a child, sitting told how he had been sent to this the barbells on the small wooden plat- down again. I was a little bewildered. in church with my mother and dad. prison for the first time in 1928, and form were just as I had seen them The man in the white shirt opened I had not been to church in yean but how he had come back five times belast, yet. . . ? the meeting. He talked for a few this meeting gave me the same sense fore he realized he needed help, I I slid onto the hard bench in the minutes, then introduced one of the of security and contentment, and. . . was dumbfounded. Here was an alast row and tried to look inconspicu- speakers. The speaker talked for over something more. I could not explain convict addressing a group of inmates! ous. I felt every eye in the room was two hours but I was so absorbed in it, but I could feel it. He wasn’t telling anyone how to blow on me. This was my first appearance what he was saying that I was not I looked around at the gymnasium a safe or hold up a’ bank. H e was in an AA meeting and I had felt a even conscious of the passing time. that had been converted for this meet- speaking of the Mprogram and how ing. I saw the hickory shirts and much it had helped him. . little self-conscious. He spoke of thirty-eight years of There was the sound of scraping heavy drinking. Of the many g o d blue denims of the men. The sun- He had been one of the first memchairs and a quiet rustle as the men jobs he had lost. O f the broken home light made striped patterns on the bers of the prison M group. When stood up. The fellow in the white that was the result of his drinking. floor as it poured through the barred he had been released the last time, windows. he had joined a group in his home

,town. That was over ten years ago. you. Yet, in one afternoon, I felt Now he had a good job, a home and that I had found friends. . .and in this family, and, through the help of AA, book, perhaps, I would find something was a respected member of the com- else. munity. I read the “Big Book” and it gave When the meeting was adjourned, me a basis for understanding-and two fellows came over to me. They helping-myself. I attended the next shook my hand and introduced them- meeting, and the one after that. I selves, asked me how I liked the meet- have not missed any since. ing, and would I come back next Strange as it may seem, I was acweek? Of course I would, I told tually grateful that I had time enough them. As I turned to leave, someone before me to attend these meetings. thrust a book into my hand and told Time enough to solve my problen)s me to look it over. so that when I left on parole again, I walked out of that meeting a very I would have something to fight with surprised young man. Why, nowhere . . .something I didn’t have before. else in the prison did such a feeling Since joining AA I have gradually of fellowship exist! You could walk drifted back into the church. I have around the recreation yard for weeks. found spiritud fulfillment and it is among six thousand men and never putting the final seal on my new unhave anyone come up and speak to derstanding. Problems that loomed so large before have shrunk to their natural proportions. The fog of confusion that had plagued me constantly has been dispelled by the bright light of truth. I have found myself-and a new way of life. The final test, of course, will be when I take my place in society once more. Perhaps new problems will arise, but this time I know how to meet them. I intend to carry on with the AA program when I am paroled. I want to keep on the straight and narrow path that I have found, and . . .I want to help others find it. The path is only narrow when you are seeking it. I have found it and, believe me, there is room enough for everyone. iCI.C., ]arkson, Michigan

August 1 9 5 5

~ W I O ~ S and see w h ~ tkind uf Jn s.ud anything that made sense to me, answer you receive. I was unable evcn or at least I wanted it to be that way. ro try to answer them. Yet the man Still, I would be waiting for the next who was interrogating me expected an meeting. Finally after many months mswer. H e was not interested in why and many talks it began to sink into 1 was here or the crime that I had my thick skull that there was some-

cou !d committed. It was his job to get the information that was needed to fill out the papers to start my prison record. tliing here that I was overlooking. What? I didn’t know. But I intended to find out. T o me it was the end. I started to take inventory. What could I d o for myself? That I found that I was guilty of everyquestion had to be answered, and fast. thing implied in living the reverse of In my early childhood, my parents sent AA’s Twelve Steps, plus the fact I had to you me to church several times a week, but in my roving over the country I had forsaken God as I understood Him. What to d o about it? First, get right neglected to keep up the training that with God as I understood Him. they had tried so hard to instill into Second, go to work on the Twelve me. And I knew that the view I now Steps and not just say I will take it held of Christianity would never pull easy until I find my way, but get out me out of the rut I was in. In jail, and work each Step as if it meant my remember those times when did I ever let myself get into the mess .lwaiting the chain to drag me here, I life-which it did. It is surprising C youyouawoke AN and were unable to get into which I had fallen? Sick in mind, body, and soul, and to top all of it !net a fellow who had belonged to an outfit called AA. In talking to him I what we can find out about the program, and God as we understand Him, out of bed unless you knew where there was a drink hidden around the I was slowly going blind. could see that in many respects our if we just try. It doesn’t take half as house? The day that I went on the Where was old faithful? John lives had run a parallel course. H e much effort as it did to stay drunk. drunk that landed me behind the walls Barleycorn, the friend that had sus- .idvised me to investigate the AA You ask, “Is this program eary in for fifteen years, was no different from tainch you for so many years . . . how y o u p at the penitentiary. prison?” No! No! No! There is a sign several hundred othcrs. could he desert vou at such a time? Thank God, I did investigate. at most railroad crossings, .STOP- When I started out that morning, Then the guard comes around and i asked for and was given pcrmis- LOOK-LISTEN. Change that to read, it was just another day. I didn’t have tells you to come on out, let’s go see sion to attend meetings in the Pioneer STOP-LOOK-and THINK. any idea that somethins would happen the man. Shaking and sick, you make Group. I was amazed at the ex-winos Is it easy to admit that we are unable . that, in my warped way of thinking, your way outside to give someone in- I saw there telling about the new way to manage our life? No. Admit we would calm me to go berserk. cause formation about yourself. The ques- of life. Could I, Barney, admit that I are not sane? No. Is it easy to turn me to forget myself to the extent that tions are those ydu cannot answer or was unable to handle my drinking? our will and our life over to the care I would want to do harm to other do not care even to try. They hammer Heck, no. W h o ever dreamed up such of God as we understand Him, after people. at you for the details of your crime, a program with so much hooey in it? the years we have spent drinking? No. Arriving 3 t prison, I was enter in,^ when you may not be surc that you Me. I could manage my life without Easy to make a searching and fearless a wag of life that seemed to be the committed any at all. joining a bunch of nuts. moral inventory? No. Easy to admit to end of everything for me. Friends. What can I do? What will I d o ? But the bug must have taken a God and ourselves and another himan family, acquaintances all gone, not These questions sound simple-to liking t o me, for the next meeting being our mistakes? I should say not. want in^ to hare any thin,^ to do with those who have never become slaves night I was there again, trying to sneer Are we ready to have God remove me. Why? W h o was to blame? How to alcoliol. Ask the alcoholic the same at everything that was said. N o one these shortcomings? No. Ready to ask

Him to remove our deiectsi No. Ready for the inside, ~ n Id say No! I f we are to make a list of those that we liavc sincere about the Twelve Steps, we l~armedin order to make m e n d s ? No. can d o it. If we are not, then why fool Are we ready to continue to take with it at all? personal inventory and admit when wc \Ve are only looking for one thing are wrong? Who ever heard of suc.11 from the AA program. Sobriety, right? foolishness? Are we willing to seek If we are looking for sometlhg else, t h r o u ~ hprayer and meditation to draw my personal opinion is we are just nearer to G o d ? No. W e do not have wasting time. For we will never sfay time to carry this message to other al- sober if we are looking only for ways coholics. Let them shift for themselves. to get out, or for a shorter sentence. Can this program Leiortw e s y in Forget about AA. prison? Yes. If a person is sincere; if I know you can make AA work in he really wants to d o something about prison, but you have to learn tolerance the mess he has made of his life- and become willing to let the Higher the way it is worked in prison is not Power help you every day, in everymuch different than on the outside. thing. Learn to be honest with your- Oh yes, I can hear many say there arc self, God, and others. Each day try to not as many temptations in prison as c h a n ~ eyour many faults, but don’t get there are outside on the street. You the idea you are perfect. Be sure to can forget that too. There are just as make all meetings. Sure, I know that many, if not more ways, to foul up thc after three, five, ten years we get tired program in here as there are out there. of seeing the same old faces, but just W!ier. you take the Twelve Steps remember, the ones that are still out and look them over, there arc, to my there from our group are the ones who way of counting them, eleven that deal practiced their tolerance. with the spiritual side. Am I right? What happened to the blindness that What does the word spirirtral m a n ? I mentioned in the beginning? Yes, I T o me it means that I have become went blind. But, through faith in the convinced that there is a power that is power that I admitted was higher than greater than I ; that to be able to go I (yes, thanks to Him,) after an opento that power for help. I must forget tion I recovered fair sight in one eye. about trying to take advantage of some Someday soon I hope to Iuve the other “fish” that has just arrived . . .forget one back too. Would this have come about trying to get some pills to go on true outside? I don’t know. Truthfully, a jag . . . lying to others. goins out 1 doubt it. Knowing myself and the of my way to keep from doing some- way I loved the pain-easer, alcohol, I one a favor, or expecting a material am sure death would have been the gain from all favors that I do. Is that outcome long before this. working the program? Is that the way Barney B., Pioneer Gronp, it is worked outside? I can only mswer Il”ashit~g~onSlnle Peni~entiury

November1955 Jime of Harvest CROss the bountiful land of America, Jack Frost is painting the mountains and forests with brilliant splashes of gold, crimson, orange and red. The fields that a short time ago echoed to the gay song of the meadowlark are now quiet,and the sharp tang of the autumn air seems to snap and crackle in the morning sun.The falling leaves from the birch,the maple and the aspen now carpet the ground with a kaieidoscope of color that has been (continned on nextpage)

– woven from the loom of Mother NJ- have toiled and labored through times lure. that try men’s souls, and that we have humbly and thankfully before the This program has meant so much to Power as we know it, the friends who us, for without it we would never have The whir of the threshing machine, emerged triumphant from the dark have helped us through trial and reached .. . this time of hawest. sings a counterpoint to the song of the depths of deceit, ill health. frustr~tion tribulation, and the great brotherhood Anon., Northeastern Federd sharp blades of the silage chopper as and self pity. of man that is the program of AA. Penitentiary, Lewisburg, Pentu. it fills the silos for the long winter These rewards of harvest have not ahead and ragged corn shocks stand been easy to gain, for many times we like bedraggled downs about the fields have had to call upon all our reserves that are spotted with the dots of color of will to fight and win victory over of plump yellow pumpkins. our worst enemy .. . ourselves. These From the kitchen doors of the farm- rewards have come also from the houses, comes the biting sharp smell efforts of those who h a ~ extended a of cinnamon and cloves that are being friendly hand and have helped usc added to the boiling pots of apple- along the road to sobriety when the sauce, canned pears, and the fruits and going has been hard and wearisome. berries of the fields and orchards. Busy These rewards have only come to us red and grey squirrels scamper and because we 11ave faced ourselves in the dart across the carpet of brilliant mirror of life and hare admitted that leaves, gathering the nuts and grains we alone could not cultivate the fields for their tree storehouses and high in and orchards of our lives. the windy sky honking geese fly This is our harvest. These are the toward the southland. things that we can feel proud of. Not For this is the time of harvest the harvest of the grains of the fields throughout this bountiful land. This and the fruits of the orchards, but the is the time when the fruits of the land bountiful reward that is the harvest in are gathered and stored. This is the the winning of the battle against the time when the rewards are r e ~ p e dfor elements of self. D o not take these the long days of toil that have helped rewards lightly, for these are precious nature to bring this harvest to fruit~on. things that can be lost in a tiny frac- The time when a man or woman can tion of time if at any time we feel look over the mountains and the fields that they are our just dues for the and take pride in a job that h ~ s been s t r u ~ g l cwe 1m.e made. D o not feel well done. that onic these things arc gained that But at this time of harvest of nature’s they can never be taken awav, for this fruits, there is 3150 another harvest I~arvestis one that calls for continual that is being reaped by us . . . tlic honesty and sincerity that will have to thousands of members of Alcoholics be our constant companions on the Anonymous. It is a harvest of the hroad hiphway of sobriety. fruits of self-confidence, the grains of This is the time of harvest and in happiness for self and our loved ones, this time of reaping the rewards of the rich reward of knowing that we nature and self. we should stand I

December 1 9 5 5

me than my bottle of shampoo does. this little so-and-so! How could I let It meant something to me when I a little old bottle of liquid run me bought it. I shook all over inside and and my life? It is nothing. I am out and I got that terrific pressure in something. I am a human being and

Adding Up the Score my head again. I looked around outside the drugstore to see if anybody tiad observed me. I felt so guilty that on the way to becoming a pretty darned good one. This bottle has power to make sniveling cowards out if a cop had tried to arrest me for of people. I can g o it one better and breaking the law I would have gone beat it at its own game. I could go along and willingly pleaded guilty. out right now and give those same Of course, buying a bottle on Satur- people the knowledge and the power . day night is not against the law of the ncvcr to drink it again as long as they land. But it is against the “AA law” live. I am the master here and I say and it is not God’s will that I get to hell with you.” A girl drunk; it is against your principles I got up and set it on the dresser: who found and mine. I turned on the overhead lamp and I bought it to prove something to let it shine full in my face. I looked AA in prison myself. If I drank it I wanted to in the mirror a long time. I saw the writes her know how it would affect me. Would strain I had becn under for the past “outside” I have the DT’s? Would I stay at week-the ‘flu and fever I’d had, my sponsor a home or go prowling? Would I get swelled sinus-but, I saw a lot more. my novel out of my locked suitcnse- I saw eyes that were bright and clear few weeks I haven’t read it or workcd on it for and looked out at the world with after her months–or would I come down to good will and kindncss. 1 saw that release your apartment and say, “Well, what the friendship of the AA members d o you think of me now? You are had made a great difference in the always telling me what a nice person expression on that face and that the I am and how much faith you have mouth looked like it might be able to in me . . . what do you think of this?” grin at any time. It used to be so Would I cry for Joe? Would I go to grim and hard. the bowling alley and look for Kenny ? I sat down in a chair and added up Would I ever be able to stop? the score, the personal score. It goes Dear Ceorgiene: ( N o t e : the “presen~”was an ~~rroperred If I did not drink it I wanted to like this: I am going to write this and clarify half-piilt of whiskey.) know why. I am finding out as I 1. Georgiene B. gave me more than it in my mind as I g o along. I want to As I write this it is sitting on my write it down on this paper. I left it sponsorship. She gave me her friendshare these thoughts with you. You dreswr along with my hair oil and lying wrapped up and on the bed for ship. She didn’t have to but she did have just now received your present cologne. It is the same color as my fifteen minutes. I ignored it and it bec~use she likes me, believes in from me and along with it this letter. shampoo and it means n o more t o fooled around straightcning up my me and really cares. closet. Then I took it out of the sack. 2. Elline M. is proud of me and sat down on the chair and stared at it makes it a point to talk to me at the anti read the label. I thought: “Why, meetings. She invited me to her

d~ughtcr’swedding. That is the best 13. I have attended three, four and compliment I have ever had. I’ll go, five meetings a week and six different too. AA groups in order to get the mes- 3. Rosemary D. and I are forming sage as soon as possible so I can be a a fine friendship. good working member and give b ~ c k 4. Dean B. says keep up the good what I have received. work and shakes my hand. 14. I have found out what Chris- 5. Charlie M. says I’ve “got AA.” tian love is between people. Bishop 6. Alex V. singles me out to en- Sheen talks about it all the time but courage me at meetings and really I couldn’t believe in such a thing. likes me. Now I know. 7. Margaret B. offered to share her 15. I have taken~thefirst seven of home with me. the Twelve Steps and I am letting 8. John H. enjoys my company. God have his way with my life. He 9. Fran W. and Gene R. will be my is doing a pretty good job. friends as time marches on. 16. I am happy in one room. M y 10. I have the opportunity to make happiness has little to do with what a dream of Georgiene’s come true. I own. This should be No. 2 blessing on this This is the list of the best things list. I can go back to the Indiana that have happened to me in the Women’s Prison as a speaker, sponsor thirty-one days since my release from and example and help the girls and prison. How could I expect or handle help make up to Georgiene for all the any more than I have at this time? grief and heartaches she has endured Before I started this letter I walked the last three years. over to the closet to get my pajamas. 11. I was made head waitress after All of a suaden I said, “Father, watch three weeks on my job. I am doing over me. Help me to do as You want good work there. me to do.” 12. I work hard and on my one day Georgiene, He did. off a week I got up early and went to Your friend. Champaign, Illinois to try and help Dorotby Janie B. I~tdimtnpolir,Indima

April 1 9 5 6

fired for taking too many days off. and white the picture is not pretty, Of course I used those days off for and when I realize it’s me I’m writing only one purpose. about, the words take on a fuller shade Looking back, I realize now that of ugliness. But the facts of alcohol. ism are never pretty. ROAD when I was fired was the time to take inventory of myself. But instead of doing so, I was filled w’.h self-pity This is my first time in prison, and I intend it to be my last. While I and resentment. I co ., ;lfn’t believe cannot feel exuberant about the pros- BACK those so-and-so’s in the front office were serious. I felt sure it was a mistake or a joke, that they would repect of spending the next two years cooped up here, I can readily assess the better aspects of my situation. In gret the firing of indispensable me. the first place I am now dry for the They were serious: it was no joke, first time in seven years, and I am Tthatplight HE of the alcoholic is like of the motorist lost in a maze and I was far from indispensable. With time on my hands, and the also sane for the first time in many years, because of that fad. Secondly, of twisting and turning side roads my wife and kiddies are closer to me loss of my job as an excuse, I really leading nowher-roads which get now than ever before–strange as this went to town. The acute anxiety rougher with each passing milepost. sult can only be tragedy. Therefore, may seem. I have conclusively ad. feeling which enshrouds the hungover God only knows where the luckless it’s time for me to straighten out and drunk became more intensified with mitted I must choose between my wife driver will wind up if he continues fly right. each successive binge. Eventually pride and three children and the bottle. I ‘ his aimless wandering. He may Like many other alcoholics I was, and self-respect left me to make room cannot have both. I’ll pass up the eventually get back on his original at one time, able to drink and not for the only thing I lived for: drink. bottle. route, or he may not. He will insure show the effects of it. I drank more Some time ago at an AA meeting reaching his goal only if he seeks than was good for me, but was always To get money for liquor, I stole the bread and milk money from my wife, a member said that liquor does not guidance. To do so, the motorist need able to go to work in the morning, compel one to steal but that it does only ask direction or glance at a road borrowed money from the few friends drunk or sober. I was able to work my aid and abet. This statement makes map. The alcoholic, on the other who still remained, and hocked everyway up in the electrical field to a sense to me. I would probably not hand, must give much more in the thing I could carry, including my position where I was in charge of my have stolen had I been sober, but the wife’s wrist watch and engagement way of effort to get on the right road. own staff . . . this, in spite of constant character defects responsible were He must, in spite of self-recrimination ring. I would walk five miles to save over-indulgence in alcohol. But came present in my makeup to be brought and bitter memories, painfully retrace a dime carfarethe price of a glass the day John Barleycorn slapped me to the fore when drinking lifted inof beer. Dollars and cents didn’t each step. And for his guide, he must for a l o o p a s he always does in the hibitions. For this reason I am giving lean on the Twelve Suggested Steps exist in my thoughts. I thought inend. I was fired. Step Four my undivided attention at stead only of the price of a draft, a of the AA program. I am in the At the time I was given the “pink the present time. process of retracing my steps. bottle of beer, or hard stuff. slip,” I was earning more than a $100 I have been in AA a comparatively Although only twenty-five years of a week plus traveling allowance and This life could continue for only so . long, and my wife could stand only short time. I have much to learn and age, I have behind me more than expenses. But as my wage had freso much of it. When she reached the a hard road lies ahead if I am to corseven years of problem drinking. I quently increased, so’had my daily saturation point, she left. Now I had rect my many defects. I am working have made a full and complete mess bottles. At the last, I carried a crodc nothing-no wife, no job, no family, at it. of life thus far, and need no further to work in my lunch box and was never far away from it. Naturally this no money, no reputation, and I owed The future looks less and leks fear- ‘ , urging to prove that liquor, to me, is state of affairs couldn’t last. I was a mountain of debts. Written in black some as I progress. Eventually, I hope poison. If I continue using it the re-

to be able to live each twenty-four With the grace of God and AA, I tor that h+ed to cake n;e down the take that first drink. Think of me and hours without any worry about the hope to make a detour around the road to alcoholism. Whenever I arrived say to yourself, “But for the grace of future. I will, of course, always see bottle and get on the road again-the in a new town I always headed for God, there go I.” We all know that in the future my lovely wife and three road back. the nearest bar. In my way of think- in our blackest moments of alcoholism kiddies, and will do my utmost to Me1 P., New Dawn Group, ing that was the best place to find we have no control of our thoughts make up for the heartaches they have Manitoba Penitentiary, friends. or deeds. suffered. Stony Mountain, Manitoba I have roamed the land for many If you stop and think df me and it A sober footnote to Mel’s story (above) is this excerpt from a years and have never made any true helps to keep you from taking that letter of farewell to the Rexburg group in Idaho, from a member friends-only the kind who forget you first drink, then my internment will whose slip while on parole cost him his freedom. Both Warren and .as soon as you are out of sight or not have been in vain. his friends in AA hope that his letter may help someone else to money. I will not attempt to give words of appreciate the deadly power of “that first drink!’ But now, in the short time I have wisdom to the older members on the been on the AA program I have met program. All I can say is, “keep up the many, many friends who will be root- good work.” If you had not been TODAY ing for me all the way. How can I there to show me the way, I would not help but do right with so much en- be able to look forward to the future

I Live for Tomorrow couragement? with such a light heart, for I know The price of sobriety is very, very that with your encouragement and high. I believe I have paid my ad- God’s help, I will be, able to start a ‘ . mission fee. I pray to God that He new life when I return to society. will help me stay a member of AA I want to express to you my humble all the rest of my life. thanks for the gift of the Big Book. I To those of you on the program will keep and cherish it always. May ‘ who are having a little trouble, I beg God bless you all. of you to stop and think before you Warren G., Idaho State Prison

Ythe time you read this I will I am not too frightened by the B probably be getting settled in my prospect because I have always been new home . . . the home I will have eager to go to new places and meet to stay in for at least a year. new people. Perhaps that is one fac-

J u n e 1356

, , — … … ‘ … .. . , . .-v_ .. .. .,…. _.. . .. …. ., .. .. .:. ” . . . .. . . . . , , . . . . . . … :..’.. : ….. ..: … . . _ :..;,: :., . . . . … … . . . .-.. . . . . .:. . . ‘ . .. . . . .. . .. ..:… . . .. . .. :’.,..’:., – I. Johnny sfj,tted a bright red car belonging t o a W est T& sheriff and a city hall floor and showed through television cameras to his home town. ,

he dimbed in and drove away to his Most of Johnny’s friends scattered. A favorite beer joint. This cost him years. few came in. One stuck. I timea prison N farm in Texas a four-‘ When these men met in a Texas loser gives his friends some- jail, they liked each other. Johnny was Stably married for ten years, Johnny’s drinking robbed him of “Give me life,” Johnny told the jury, “because next time I might kill thing to go free by. Though he struck calm, not resentful, and he was able out in the free world himself, Johnny through the grace of God to give a everything-wife, job, freedom, every- somebody. No dungeon you put me in,. sponsors men who make it fine. good attitude to Gene, who listened thing–and yet he has the guts to no manacles your guards can hang me Granted a full pardon himself a to Johnny. And Gene became a hard- cheer up his visitors and friends. up with, no beatings however severe, few years ago, Johnny had a series of working, reliable, sober man in the no starvings-nothing you can do can He developed the worst escape disastrous slips which ended in his free world. Johnny did this while faced record in Southwest penal history be- hurt me more than the realization I asking a jury for a life sentence. Is he with problems that have led more fore becoming a changed man in AA. have let down my friends.” They gave him life in the fastest a failure? No, Johnny’s no failure, and than one man to suicide. Then he was allowed unguarded, and here’s why: Roughly twenty of fifty years have while under a life sentence, to attend recorded jury’s decision handed down been caged years for Johnny. A man an M State Convention in Tyler, in Fort Worth, according to reporters He sponsors men of hardened, comof sensitivity, intelligence, sincerity, Texas, in 1951. There, he electrified present. plicated nature whom few others could and charm, Johnny has used his experi- the convention with a marvelous talk. Johnny is a glib, friendly Irishman reach. One of these is Gene, the Texas Governor Alan Shivers granted with plenty of guts. He has a fine way Phantom Bandit of Alabama who ences as a background for writing an autobiography which, if it never does Johnny a full pardon. of gaining your confidence and is terrorized nightclub owners and papitching in with hard work for AA trons in that State with a single-handed anything else, cured me of any held- Johnny became a very popular crime wave. After wounding two over tendencies toward crime that where he is. We don’t know any hopespeaker for AA, church, civic and less cases. And surely Johnny’s giving policemen and getting shot himself, stuck with me after entering AA. school groups. Roughly two years Gene had to go to prison and shared About his drinking, Johnny says: freedom to other men may prove once later, he slipped all the way down to more that, “what you you the vicious experiences that Johnny’s “I did stupid things that a school boy the only armed robbery in his career. near-twenty years’ imprisonment had would have better sense than to try.” keep.” His drunken form was picked up from B. I., Warhington, D. C. brought him. Once in Fort Worth, a drunk named

July 1956

FREE BEHIND BARS The first year and a half I was in In not too many months, I will re- A GRATEFUL GROUP the penitentiary I only existed. I was gain my freedom in society. But more important, I have regained freedom The Sing Sing Prison Group has full of resentment and thought the from my own inner jail, a jail that placed a new meaning on AA: it is whole world was against me. I just locked in resentment, anxiety, self- “Always Appreciative.” For eight had time to feel sorry for myself. years the chaplains, Catholic and Prot- That was me, never thinking of others, pity, intolerance, and many more defects of character. Yes, even now I estant, have watched and helped this just my selfish self. organization to grow, not only in After a year and a half I was trans- can say: I’m free. And I can only thank God and AA for my almost numbers, but in spirit and accomplishferred to a prison farm. At this farm ment. they were just starting an AA fellow- impossible change. Now the Group on their own initiship. I had tried and exhausted every Ralph S., State Farm, Lebanon, Ohio ative want the many outside groups to means I knew to quit drinking, before know that they are mighty appreciaentering prison, but to no avail. tive of the help and understanding Finally admitting I was an alcothey have given them. They realize holic, I joined the group. Joining the sacrifice. in time in making the (I should say accepting) AA has been journey here is returning to them in a great blessing to me. good measure, heaped up, pressed We, the incarcerated alcoholics, owe down and running over. so much to the many wonderful AA members froin all walks of life who They have this philosophy: Put come behind these walls to bring to more into the AA program than you take out and you can ,begin to count us the AA message, and a ray of hope your many blessings more easily. to us who would otherwise be doomed (Ed. note-The above is an excerpt to a Iiving hell-a world of the living from a note from the Chaplaids dead. O@ce, Sing Sing Prison.) AA has given us the tools to combat our disease. W e now have a defense against ,the thing that helped to put us here, alcoholism. So I say a big hand to all you AAs from the outside who hive helped so many of us on the inside who “but for the Grace of God” would go right back to the same problem that helped to put us here.

July

ago an official prog- in living. The Serenity Prayer is my Tnosis foryearsrehabilitation HREE in my case bulwark against the many frustrations in prison life; and it is a sure cure for would have read “hopeless.” An alcoholic who could not hold a job, dry drunks. divorced, estranged from my parents, Serenity to accept the things I can- I came and went through prison gates not change . . . How one needs serenlike an official–except that I remained ity in prison! Every minute, every behind the walls a longer period of hour, in the chaotic turmoil of argutime. After my fourth conviction I ment and flaring anger that obtrudes was hopelessly confused and could see in an eight-man cell; through the Whom have I helped? Did I give my as individuals we are important and nothing in my future but an endless monotonous routine that nibbles at best to the job? What can I do to- have a place and a value in this world. cycle of prison years. the edges of one’s mind until the morrow that will help me become Faith cured my inner conflict. Today I have regained my confi- strong man breaks forth in violence, more tolerant, more congenial? Where once I warred with myself, I dence, my integrity, my maturity. To- and the weaker man becomes a mental The most difficult thing a man can am now at peace. I accept my prob morrow holds a bright promise for patient. do, I think, is to turn his eyes in- Iems as necessary to my growth and the first time in twenty-three years. Courage to change the things I can ward upon his real self. But I have take pleasure in solving them. I make After electro-shock treatment, aversion . . . means that I can change my old learned through bitter experience that friends and keep them. I have learned “cures,” psychoanalysis, and delirium pessimistic outlook and become con- if I intend to grow into emotional that before I criticize another I had tremens had failed to straighten out structive and positive in my thinking. stability and to enter into the maturity better first examine my own faults. I my thinking, AA came to prison; and I can mould the old personality over cf adulthood, I must look upon my have gained through AA a peace of I came eagerly to AA. It’s wonderful! into one that will face up to the reali- many shortcomings with an open, mind and serenity of soul that I would After forty-five years of trying to ties and responsibilities of life rather understanding mind, see them for not exchange for anything in the escape from life, I have just now be- than one that seeks refuge in a bottle. what they are, and take immediate world-not even for freedom. For I gun to live! To a small extent I find I can even steps to correct them. am free now; prison walls cannot con- . In AA I have found friendship, change my environment so that my And because AA is a spiritual pro- fine my thoughts nor undermine my sympathetic understanding, and expe- small portion of the cell becomes a gram, I have gained a new conception confidence, that a useful, productive rienced guidance along the road to private classroom for study, or a place of God. life awaits me when this sentence is sobriety. I have found myself; I have of quiet meditation when prayer is Most prisoners scoff at religion. But completed. rediscovered my God. needful-as it often is. AA is not a religion; it has no dogma, I have learned that no man walks The Twelve Steps have become to Another of my bulwarks against creed nor doctrine. It offers simple alone. Not when he has faith and me not merely a means whereby I can the confused thinking that brought suggestions that can lead to a new trust in a power greater than himself; control a twenty-three-year addiction me to prison is the Tenth Step: “Con- way of life. It gives one back faith. not when he no longer doubts, but to alcohol, but it is a philosophy of tinued to take personal inventory.” Not faith in man-made creeds or ob- believes. life that makes prison routine more Each evening I review the happenings scure metaphysical tenets, but simple Anon., U . S. Penitentiary, bearable, and leads to new adventures of the day. Whom have I hurt? faith in God and the conviction that Atluntu, Georgia

August 1956

the Governor of IOWA appointed RECENTLY, an AA to the municipal bench as judge, and the judge had himself been in the same jail ‘. and in the same line-up that he now presides over.

ONLY AA could bring about this miracle. The Court, who now handles the line-up each morning, asked if there were any that wanted to quit drinking or ever thought about it, and two said that they wanted to. And so, the Court told them there would be a meeting in the court room the following Wednesday night for those that wanted to quit, and there would be no favors granted to those who came, nor would the Court be mad a t those who did not come. Wednesday night came and two showed up, and now, six weeks later, twenty-four are coming to theCourt meeting. All the AA groups in this area come also to help the “honor” group of those who are trying. Already eight of them have affiliated with local AA groups and last week the court room was so crowded that we must now find larger quarters and are moving out into the corridor. The Court asks the “candidates” to mail a postcard to the Court each day telling the judge how they’re doing, and the cards flock in now with each mail. Though we don’t mention AA by name in the Court meeting, it is just that, and it seems it’s catching on, with nearly a hundred present last Wednesday, most of them A&, but also twenty-four honor guys who were sober because they “wanted to try to quit drinking.” R. H.,Des Moines,Iowa

November 1 9 5 6

s d e r from situational neuroses. Sit- ing it up. In the meantime, you’ve uations around us cause excessive managed to buy a few drinks for the ‘Freedom emotional frustrations, such as re- nice people around the tables and sentment over contemptous treat- your cash is running low. You just . ment by a person or persons . . or ask the maitre de if he can have a . for . even noises of one kind or another check of yours cashed.. of m u m , such as the incessant howling of a you haven’t any cash in the bank radio, etc. We allow such things to but you figure that’s just a small lust become magnified out of all propor- detail; you can always borrow some tion and they in turn cause us to tomorrow to cover it. Now, brother, become mentally haggard. you’re all set for a humdinger eve- The next inevitable step is the ning. ten search for sympathy. Where do we The following afternoon you usually go to find this? At the bar awake in a hotel suite; you’ve got or some swanky cocktail lounge. a headache that won’t stop; you’re rents At the bar we begin to extinguish even in a strange town and on the our feelings of self-pity, etc., by tak- dresser is a half-fifth of good whising a double shot and soda. We key. You indulge in a quick one to . play the juke box . . now we need snap out of the fog you’re presently WOULD YOU INVEST TEN CENTS talked about it reasonably and thus ‘today to insure your sobriety? Sure found a workable solution. another drink . .. things are really i n . . . your mind starts to ask quesperking up. Everything is looking tions. How did I get here? What did . you would . . but why don’t we I felt that I could manage myself. better already, you-if . you’re like I do? What to tell the wife.. what when we have the opportunity? (No alcoholic can manage anything me-find. to do about the job? Just imagine-for a thin dime, when emotionally upset.) Having Soon you discover a partner next You see a sign where the room is we sometimes cast everything down been in AA for some time I was to you and you start the “big” con- costing fifteen dollars a day and in the drain, either because we are too aware of this, yet I hesitated. I felt versation. After about eight or ten checking up, you find you have proud or too stupid to call our AA ashamed, after months of sobriety, more sociable drinks with him, YOU about eight dollars to your. name. sponsor and tell him we have a to admit I was beginning to have find that he is a president of a big All of these thoughts pound through problem, and are in danger of a slip. trouble. Why? I was doing exceed- steel corporation and he in turn dis- your brain while you continue to This is one of the biggest and by ingly well both at home and in my tar the most costly mistakes an vocation. covers you are vice-president of an finish the bottle . .. later, you call oil company in Texas. Every addi- room service for another. alcoholic can make. We forget to Why do we alcoholics procrasti- ‘ tional drink inflates your ego and This goes on for about four or throw that pride away and bring a nate when we know we should call gives you the grandeur feeling. five days, until you are physically little humility to the fore. our friends? Let me illustrate by Toward the end of the evening, and mentally run-down. By now For the lack of making a ten-cent outlining the thoughts and actions call I shall in all probability have of an alcoholic of my particular you and your new found bosom you are having delusions that all companion want a little gayer time, the police in the country are lookto be incarcerated for about three type when he “slips” and takes that so you jump in a cab and the race ing for you because of the check years. If I had called my sponsor first drink. is on. you gave the maitre de. You are when difficulty first arose, I know First of all, we are completely After about three wee hours in afraid to call your wife because you that between us we could have upset mentally. In other words, we various night-clubs, you and your are ashamed. So you assume the friend are i n high gear and whoop- don’t-give-a-damn-attitude. You feel

that you can’t go much lower so Before closing may I make one you really start to drink seriously suggestion: Read the Tenth Step . . . anything goes now. You’re in a over and over and then practice it jam, so what’s the difference! daily–continue to take personal in- You finally arrive at your goal ventory and when wrong promptly . . . either in a county jail or in a admit it. If you and I were to prae hospital. You’re a physical and a tice this continually, how could we mental wreck. All of this foolish- ever go wrong? ness, anguish, and misery because Don’t be foolish like I had to be you wouldn’t spend a dime and call . . . spend that thin dime and conhelp from your AA friends. Your sider your freedom a priceless gem. sponsor, and other AA members, are Believe me, my friends, freedom is more than glad to have a telephone the greatest thing in the world. call from you when you feel that Anon., Helping Hand Group you are slipping. Call them first, Marion Correctional Institution then make your decision. Marion, Ohio

February 1 9 5 7

A N I N M A T E LOOKS AT A A I HAVE HAD other inmates ask me “What good is AA in here? You have to stay sober anyway.” Well, I can honestly say I’m getting something for nothing that is worth a fortune. There are no fees, no dues, nor any obligations–only my honest willingness to accept that which is so freely given. I can attain serene sobriety, regain my health, and build up my ability for an honest day’s work. I can learn the true meaning of the word faith, and the good it will do for me. I can learn to be honest, sincere, and humble. I can lose all my resentments and learn to live with my fellow men. I am given the opportunity to see and hear people-who have lived the AA program-prove that it will succeed, if we try hard. I can learn how the AA program works. I can learn the way to really live from day to day. I can learn to pray, and I can begin to thank God for my many blessings. I can make . this time count for me . . instead of counting the time. Charles, Indiana State Farm

March 1 9 5 7

asked a multitude of questions. Ap- consisted of a fried egg sandwich, a parently they kindly wrote their large quantity of apple butter and own answers, because when they coffee with sugar in it. Evidently were read in court three dry days in Maryland apple butter was plen- No More Jails later, I certainly could recognize tiful because it was served in liberal none of the answers as my own. quantities with every meal, as was After seeing the accommodations sugar in the coffee. I protested they were too crowded. Just before breakfast they had I would just as soon sleep in my moved me into the adjoining cellcar. They wouldn’t hear of it but block with ten other men. Now I 1 HAD ALWAYS NURTURED tion are unnecessary. Financial sta- insisted there was always room for began to realize I was really in jail: the opinion that jails were intended tus is unimportant, as is race, sex, one more. There was. … sick, jittery, remorseful, anything for criminals, peace-disturbers, most creed, color, politics, dress or club They crowded me into a spare but hungry! My fellow guests kindanyone I didn’t like, unruly drunks connections. They take anybody! room right next to a cell block. The Iy ate my breakfast. There was a and those stupid drinkers who The most common objection of room was almost large enough for rule among the guests that no food couldn’t handle the stuff . . . but, guests is a shortage of room keys. some folded spare cots, me and a be sent back on the plates for fear heavens, not me! There aren’t enough to go around, rubbish barrel. The barrel made of injuring the chef’s feelings or I held tightly to this opinion for so rather than risk injured feelings no objections to my company but risking a cut in rations. many years and possibly would still they throw away all keys except those in the adjoining cell-block The next three days were soberbe tight and holding to it except for one, which is entrusted to the keep- seemed to resent being disturbed ing, unpleasant and slightly educathe inordinate hospitality of two er, better known in jails as the from their deep, secure slumber. tional. I learned a great deal about state patrolmen in the fair state of turnkey. Some of the language used is not life in other jails and penitentiaries Maryland. He is very busy, also a little care- commonly heard in better rooming from the other guests. Most of They decided that my chauffeur, houses. them were regular visitors. I was less, and often he loses it for days a hitch-hiker without uniform, or, it at a time . . . consequently, jail can However, quiet soon prevailed very popular, as my appetite redeveloped, driver’s license, was become quite confining. However, and I recall nothing more until the mained dormant and I was only too driving rather erratically. They ad- this in no way diminishes the wel- beginning of a horrible dream. glad to offer my food to someone mitted he was keeping to one side come they extend to new guests. Someway or other my wife had tied else. of the road but firmly insisted it Take me for example. . .. me tightly to the steam whistle of The atmosphere undoubtedly had was the wrong side. The lack of a Such was my condition on this a locomotive and was delightedly something to do with the unsavoridriver’s license really kindled their particular night in May 1954, after pulling the whistle cord. This went ness of the food. The unwashed spirits of near-southern hospitality a three-day geographical bender on for some time. Then suddenly all smell unwashed and when you and they actually delighted in es- starting in Nebraska, I doubt very I was back in jail holding my ears multiply one by one hundred . . . corting us to free quarters in the much if my own mother would to keep the drums from bursting. there is just no place to hide local county jail. have allowed me within hiccuping The steam whistle had turned into from it. Actually, a jail and its personnel a siren located on the roof and was After three days I was even distance of the front gate. But the can offer the pinnacle of hospital- keepers of this particular bastille used instead of individual awaken- willing to forgive my wife for badgitv when thoughtfully considered. ing with breakfast in bed. ering me into that binge. I went welcomed me with open arms. They While there, time for considering is were really concerned! . Breakfast in bed is hardly cor- even further . . a quiet home withplentiful. Reservations or invita- They wanted my life history and rect but it was served right in the out liquor and possibly even work room and was called breakfast: it could become downright appealing.

I was through with whiskey, beer, shaking he ran for the nearest bar wine, gin, vodka or anything strong- . . . alone. er than black coffee . . . without Fifteen hundred miles lay ahead. sugar. No more drunkenness or Every mile brought me closer to jails for me, thanks. I waq cured, humiliating explanations, pleas for humble and broke! forgiveness and the mountainous A wire to a relative fortunately task of salvaging my neglected busibrought $30.00 which was collected ness. No more liquor, ever, thought in Washington, D. C. with the as- I. There wasn’t-for two months. sistance of an ex-convict guide who The end came with a three-day insisted he was returning west with bender, very local and practically me to start over. At the same time paralyzing. I returned to AA with he kept eyeing that $30.00 and head hanging-humble, repentant tried to crowd me into every bar but sober. Sober I’ve been for nearwe passed. I desperately described ly two years. No more jails, patrolour cold winters, hot summers, the man, humiliation, convicts, apple dangers of wild Indians, buffalo, butter or coffee with sugar. The rattlesnakes and the vigilance of end became my beginning. our police. Finally, white and G.E.T., Sioux City Group, Iowa

April 1957

tutions, brought home an increasing willing to do everything possible to awareness of the tragic gulf of non- help him.” communication separating the pris- Her touching, confused words are oner from his family. very understandable to any member A letter was sent to 211 prison of a Family Group. Now she is well authorities where AA was known to on her way to the kind of insight i be in active operation. This letter into her husband’s problem that will I Barred Sunshine outlined the aims and purpose of make their life together a very dif- Al-Anon and conveyed the willing- ferent one when he is finally reness of the members to contact and leased or paroled. act as sponsors for any one of the Another letter from the prisoner prisoner’s family he himself felt secretary of the Future Outlook could be helped by an understand- Group at Indiana Reformatory says, FEDERAL CORRECTION INSTITUTION ing of the nature of the problem “Already we have seen the farwhich had led to the crime for reaching effects that your contacts

– TALLAHASSEE, FLORIDA ‘ To: Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. which he was sent to prison. have made in some of the cases we P. 0. Box 1475, Grand Central Annex The response from the prison have asked you to contact. Often groups has been overwhelming. one of our members has a father or New York City Hundreds of letters from prison- brother who was having trouble

– RE: ers all over the country have been drinking and you served a double received, expressing their deep gra- purpose there. Dear titude for the fresh hope and cour- “Here is the name of the wife of I, -, AMEMBER OFALCOHOLICSANONYMOUS GROW, age these contacts with their loved a young fellow, maybe she will be REQUEST AL-ANON TO CONTACT THE N E M S T FAMILY G R O W OF MY ones have brought to them. a little more leniant on the fellow Slim’s case is typical. A letter was now. I t is her intent to divorce him, Wife – GRATEFUL TO KNOW YOU STAND written to his wife explaining that but due to some of your contacts, (Relative) (Name) (Address) he had requested that she be writ- maybe she won’t. What you are do- READY AT ALL TIMES TO LEND A HELPING HAND TO ALL OF US THAT ten to, and stating briefly the pur- ing is one of the greatest Kings that pose of the letter and the hope that could be done, not because I am one ARE IN NEED. she might find help in their shared of the men that is locked up, but SINCERELY YOURS, ONE DAY AT A TIME, experience. She answered: “I got for the reason that most of our I your letter today. I don’t under- AAers who have been behind the stand. Is my husband an alcoholic? barred sunshine come out to try and This printed form contains the alcoholics, who realize that by I would like to know for a good find life without the bottle, and bare bones of a story of heartbreak banding together they can better reason, as I want to help him in when their folks understand-well it and hope repeated many times in a solve their common problems-Ed.) every way; there is so much about helps see?” silent file labeled “Prison Project” The project was started in 1956 him that I never understood, if he Still another request from Mariin the o5ce of the headquarters of as a result of the growing concern is an alcoholic. I would be grateful on Correctional Institute AA secrethe Al-Anon Family Groups. of those members a t Al-Anon Head- if you will tell me for maybe it tary: “This new man wants an Al- (The Al-Anon Family Groups quarters whose AA mates, working would help me to understand him Anon contact for his wife. She is an consist of relatives and friends of and speaking in correctional insti- better for I would be more than alcoholic too, he now knows, and

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April 1957

THE ACID TEST “WHY AM I HERE?’ a prisonerspeaker asked his fellow-inmates. “I’m not on juice or junk (liquor or narcotics) so why am I here? I’ve been seventeen years in prison. There’s no liquor problem or dope habit here because there isn’t any stuff. Why am I here a t a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous? Because I am a compulsive personality with a variety of compulsions-for alcohol, drugs, gambling, running away . . . they’re all part of the pattern. I’m full of envy, fear and resentments. I have no control over these things. “Sure I’m not on junk or juice but I have all those other problems and I’m working on them. Each one that I lick, I get that much more energy to fight my big one–cornpulsive use of drugs.” That seems to be the big thing to the prisoners: they’re not on boom because they can’t get it, and they’re not on junk for the same reason. But they know that they have to solve the problems that put them on those escapes and they know that the big day is coming when their efforts to live a normal, useful – but more important happy life, will be put to the acid test on the “outside.” Excerpt from a series of articles in the Vallejo Times-Herald Vallejo, California

June 1 9 5 7

destined to be heard around the “Nomadic Alcoholic.” That is no resentments and I lived a bitter and world. mark of distinction to influence sordid life in a cell. Gradually I The blackout. … people and win freedom. I was came to realize that this pattern, so I sat in a skidrow room, wages fifty-three years of age, disbarred apparent to me on the inside, was for washing dishes a mark of a re- and without any tools to rebuild a no different from what it had been trieved affluence after years of new life. The present was black, on the outside. I was doomed to die nomadic alcoholism. I sat and utterly without hope. an alcoholic in prison or out. Then, looked down a t three winos huddled against the side of a dingy build- – One still, black night when somewhere along the line, I stepped ing in the rain, counting pennies. Echo whistled like a cold wind from the inside of the prison to the around dead Narcissus-I turned to inside of me. What I was inside of Four bottles of muscatel were on God as I understand him. I didn’t me was what I was outside of me my table and I felt only contempt ask him for freedom in return for in my actions. I knew then that for the burns shivering in the rain. .. . great deeds after my release. That every alcoholic in this world, wher- I was still superior but I was lie was old in his ears. I just said: ever he might be, was a prisoner. … no longer a lawyer. The taste of I t was too big a problem to face peat smoke had long been replaced “Please, God, call me back to life from this death.” A little later, I alone. That is how I came to adby synthetic grape on my tongue. began asking him to let me become mit that I am an alcoholic and how Big shot? A smart aleck in Blun- a writer. I’d never been a fiction I came to believe that a power I found derland. … writer but God and writing were all greater than myself, if sought, ‘can Several days later I walked into that were left to me. and will restore me to sanity. a drugstore with a toy pistol (mi- I sought that power in every I began attending Alcoholics freedom nus caps) in my hand and told a diminutive druggist I was taking Anonymous in prison. I t is one of channel available to me: in Alco- . the therapeutic program sponsored holics Anonymous, in my Church, over. He took me over without so in group counseling and in individin prison much as a faint pop from my toy by the Care & Treatment Division of the California Department of ual counseling. Some of this good pistol. So much for the big shot Corrections. At first it seemed so coming in had to flow out. I served that was to be heard around the WHAT MY UNREAL WORLD MOST world. . futile. . . I couldn’t get a drink if as secretary of our prison AA , I had wanted one. group, on the steering ~~INnittee, needed was a bar mirror that gave I was sentenced to prison as a and as a speaker. Don’t ask me back true images of the Alice’s and recidivist to serve an indeterminate A year passed. I began to learn that drinking is a symptom of a how this program works but the Alec’s in Blunderland. term under the California Depart- bitterness and the sordidness grad- Many years ago, I sat a t a ment of Corrections. The classic personality sickness-an obsession . of the mind, an allergy of the body. ually faded out of the picture. bar drinking expensive scotch and Greek theme faded: I t was Narcis- This power began to fill in the watching a Man-Who-Never-Was sus who died; only Echo remained. I discovered that I could get on emotional jags in prison. I n fact, shriveled potential of the guy whose in the bottle-lined looking glass. It There is no hell like the searing was a bad case of a mutual admira- that I couldn’t help getting on those selfishness had all but cost him his realization that one has come to jags. That’s when I really got soul. tion in full bloom for, Narcissus- the end of one’s resources. I had no This is the way it works. One like, I was in love with my own re- scared. I was powerless over my friends, no money. I had only the begins to see one’s faults in the flection. I saw a super-brilliant law- emotional pattern-and that was p a s t E c h o . Somewhere in the fuyer, a fast-buck buccaneer above the pattern which, on the outside, faults of others and one grows less ture I would have to face a Parole drove me into barroom. MY reac- critical of one’s fellow man. Emthe law and the original big shot Board on a record rubber-stamped tions to frustrations flooded me with pathy is born. The nerve-racking

confinement has no sting for the low’s problems, his viewpoint. My man who lives the program. God characters came alive. In a short grants one the serenity to accept fourteen months I have sold ninethe things one cannot change, the teen short stories, paid an income courage to change the things one tax in prison, and have a novel and can, and experience teaches one the twelve stories in the mill. All in wisdom to know the difference. Life addition to an eight-hour-a-day in prison became a high adventure, clerical job. More important still, zestful, full of promise, replete with I’m revising the story of my life so day-by-day progress toward perfec- that the “you’s” and “they’s” play tion. I found freedom in prison. as prominent a part as the “1’s” in Meantime, I was writing fiction. this new script. It’s a balanced The steel bands that had restricted story. . . . writing to wishful thinking snapped. Thank you, God, for AA and I think empathy dissolved them. dreams come true. For I was able to see the other fel- T. W., San Luis Obispo, Calif.

July

I was born in South Boston in minutes. They returned with the 1917. There were five in my family. verdict: guilty of first degree mur- My Father died when I was very der, with a recommendation for young and my Mother had to go clemency. But, it was explained, to work to support us. We were clemency was not possible under depression kids in every sense of the law-conviction of murder in the word. At an early age I be- the first degree meant death in the came accustomed to hard work and electric chair. I liked it. I was very strong. So, my boy-here it is! Stand Then came the teens, and the up and show that you might be a house parties where bootleg booze drunk but you can die like a man. Yw\\?, was the thing. I walked off my The clerk read off the verdict and like these without a brief shudder … first steady job because of alcohol. the Judge intoned the sentence. a fleeting vision of “There but for the Grace of God” … I started driving ice trucks, coal That night I was taken to the and a moment of gratitude and thanks. Those of us, that is, trucks-anything on wheels. State Prison and lodged in a cell who go our daily way free to follow any road … Then started the arrests for in “death row.” Sentenced to die as long as we stay away from just one drink. drinking. I became a powerful man for a crime that I had never com- But there are many thousands who have found the inner freedom -I could lift 620 pounds. When mitted . . . yet thanks to my friend AA offers, whose opportunity to test their AA convictions in a anyone hit me they were hit right the bottle–I could not prove my normal world is denied them. For some the waiting is back. Due to my steady drinking contention. temporary. ..others must practice these principles in all of their and record of resisting arrest I be- I knew I had an appeal pending affairs behind prison walls–some for years, a few perhaps forever. came known as a “cop fighter.” but I did not know when. After the Joe is one of those and one of us. Often I would have to leave my first six months the first reversal home area because of altercations came, but my lawyer still fought with the local constabulary . . . I on. Each day thereafter became a Freedom-Behind Bars was not a model citizen. hell of uncertainty . . . I had long But I never at any time ever ago lost all faith in a God who molested or robbed anyone. I could permit such things. Men? I do not remember how I reached Bellevue-but I remember the DTs worked on farms and ships, built Men had placed me here. Suddenly and the awful certainty that I would die if I stayed . . . I was back in railroads, did construction work, one day my nerves and courage the Bowery and then I had the strangest desire to get home. I started and was even a special n u r s e a n d and hopes faded. I saw my picture . walking. I dimly remember passing through Connecticut . . then Rhodc always the spectre of the bottle in its true perspective. . Island . . then South Boston . . . then the train home. I was full of pursued me. I knew that I would I was alone, a n d I was n o t paraldehyde and cheap wine. No food . . . no rest. Then-my favorite one day die of it but I did not enough, any longer. To be alone bar at home, and two men telling me a woman had been slugged with a is not always bad, if you are suffi-. know how to stop. bottle and the cops said that I had done it. I passed around my pay slip And so–on October 20, 1945 I cient unto yourself. But the black from the hospital in New York where I had been working, but they were still shy and then I went and dialed the number of the police station and was taken from the court to the day comes when your tools and each time lost my nickel. So I walked the mile to the station house to jail, held without bail on charges tricks and artifices no longer comof first degree murder and rob- mand the situation, and then you clear myself. That was to be my last free walk. I had forgotten I was a cop slugger, hated and feared in that station house. . . . . bery. . .The trial lasted nine days know feardespair and hopelessand the jury was out for forty-five ness sit with you constantly.

I do not know the exact day it next morning. Somehow I slept inventory, the Steps, the eventual who desire it. I do. AA means to became too much, but I distinctly and woke as usual. A few days return to my church (after the me a way of life with real friends, remember begging something- later I was taken to court and my initial acknowledgement that God a way to cease beating my head someone–for just five hours’ peace stay of sentence revoked. I was was my Higher Power). against a glass prison, a chance to .. . a day at a time, one little court told I must die within thirty days. I never understood until AA the return to my God and to live as a calendar day. From somewhere, When the day came the prison meaning of “Thy Will be donep’- man and not as an immature child someon-the . peace came . . and barber was my only visitor. I wasn’t thine, not mine. AA has taught me with a drink-sodden brain. it has never wholly left me. I have brave . . . I had waited so long I that it is not alone a method by AA is life and hope and all that tried to figure it out and have come just wanted it over. I smoked and which group therapy can help a I want from life. Without it I die to the conclusion that to get this thought. I had written all my man attain sobriety. I t is a com- and I want to live–for me the only, peace, you must be a clean vessel, letters–one to my mother, one to pletely new way of life for those the AA way. drained of every emotion-pride, my lawyer-and there was nothing Joe G., Norfolk, Mass. hate, fear, envy-all that might to do but wait . . . until five o’clock, interfere with your reception, save when I would walk across the the one that you beg for. prison yard to the little area where the death chair was set u p a n d What is Joe’s AA way? His “way” as he lives it now can perhaps best I remained in the death cell for then at midnight, as the Chinese be revealed by an outside friend, an AA member who came to know him, twenty-five months. After I gained say, “Ascend the Dragon.” first through corrcspondence and then through personal visits. the peace I needed I tried to make my day the most important thing Suddenly the telephone downin my life. Upon rising I asked stairs jangled . . . the officer came “someone” for the peace of the slowly up. He looked a t me for a I CAN ONLY WRITE OF HIM as I is now free and can never be imcoming day-not the whole day, moment and then he said, “Get know him, since he came to where prisoned.” Joe looks forward with just the hours between 9 AM and your things together-you are leav- he now is, and of the wonderful hope to the probable future when 3 PM, the court day. ing here. The Governor has com- AA that is his. AA has completely he will be free, but he is not wor- One night I found that someone muted you.” I asked for the shoes changed Joe’s attitude and outlook ried or anxious or afraid. I think had tucked a copy of the Big Book I had not worn for over two years on life. He told me that since com- he does accept the things he cannot into my daily reading supply. I and a belt. ing to prison and AA there has c h a n g e h i s life and circumstances ‘ read it. I got the idea: drunks are * * * come to him a certain calmness of as of now-but not with finality not hopeless creatures, incurable, I really do not know what I ex- spirit and a peace he never felt and not with self-pity. Everything abandoned by God, scorned by men, pected to hear at the first AA meet- before. His ambition-perhaps you brings change, every living organbut sick people–and they can be ing I attended in the prison where could call it a magnificent obses- ism is growing. Joe will not resign helped. Then came the realization: I began serving my life sentence- sion–is to bring the message of himself to anything but the ever- Joe, this is the truth, but it comes but thinking of those other hours AA and a happy victorious life to expanding glory of God, in his life too late for you. I also recognized of peace, I wanted more. Sitting other fellows who go there, and and all his affairs. that I was living a kind of AA, only through those first few meetings. . . who will leave again. He has carried the message of I was doing it five hours a t a time. realizing that everything made Joe wants to have them go out AA and victorious living far beyond Then came a night in late Octo- sense . . . that it works-I got in a to a good life and never return to anything that he can know or realber . . . I heard on the 11:15 news little deeper each time. Not all the prison again, as so many of them ize. I stayed sober in large part broadcast: the Supreme Court had way, at first-suspicion and dis- do. He said, “I am bound and held because of Joe and I know there denied my last appeal. I needed trust grow deep in prison. But each in charge, imprisoned by the state, have been many others-those who my prayer that night instead of the week a little more: the first moral but the real Joe, the spirit within, have left the prison and are now

living good and happy lives, some same causes: liquor, and the inabilactive in AA work-because of ity to handle it. . . . I am grateful Joe’s help to them. beyond words that I am good for If Joe stays until the end of life’s something after all these years. Outjourney as he now is, I would say side I was not good for anything at that there will be many to rise up all but emptying bottles, and after and call him blessed. – Joe knows all anyone i n do that! What I sinthat cerely h o p e a n d these are not mere Self is the only prison words-is that perhaps some kid that can ever bind the soul, just about to leave one of these Love is the only angel that can bid the gates unroll. places will read the words (and be- H . E., New Britain, Corm. tween the lines) and, please God, gets the sense to continue with the * * * meetings and the friends he has Postscript from Joe, received after made through the AA program . . . his story had been set in type: so that he doesn’t have to learn the There are a thousand Joes in all way I had to. Then all this up-toour prisons and various institutions now-wasted time will be made into (he writes) and all . . . through the something valuable.

Ed. – .. note4oe’s stow first came to our notice through General Service Head- .- – – – – – –

quarters corresponde”nce and prison publications, a n i we asked him to write it for us. The manuscript, which we have shortencd considerably because of space limitations, came through regular prison channels, uncensored.

July 1 9 5 7

ABOUT A NON-ALCOHOLIC OBSESSION This letter is reprinted from the News Letter of the Folsom Fellowship of AA at California State Prison, whose editor asked the wife of a faithful AA visitor to write to the group. DEARAAS OF FOLSOM, badly t o n marriage. I felt it was sonally, as well as for my alcoholic, could get from the AA program for Even though we have never met up to him to show me and he did. our marriage, our home and our my own recovery. My participa- I feel as though I know you all be- Skepticism faded as I watched family. Even though I have far to tion in the AA program was and is cause I benefit in a second-handed his progress and I found, instead of go AA has opened my eyes to a not necessary for Jim’s sobriety but way from Jim’s visits with you-he being skeptical, I was curious about new life – more challenging and it is necessary for my happiness. shares the AA he gets from you this wonderful thing that was hap- more satisfying than I ever thought We non-alcoholics have our own with me. I thank God Jim has al- pening. I wanted some for myself. it could be. I t is difficult for a non- meeting so that we might become ways shared his AA with me from Up until this time the only thing I alcoholic to grasp the full meaning better people and help others who the time we were reunited three had taken to use for myself was of the AA teachings. The need is have the same desire. I like to feel months after he took his last drink the Serenity Prayer and Just For there, unconsciously, but not always that because of the privilege of and started on a new way of life Today. Frankly that was about all the desire. being able to use the program for via AA. I could handle at that time. For You see, we carried the thought myself, even though I take no You are no doubt interested in one who reached the place where (and it even became an obsession) credit for contributing to Jim’s sohow a non-alcoholic feels about the she didn’t really care what hap- for so long that it was only the briety, I am making a small con- AA program. I can only tell you pened, but wasn’t yet quite willing alcoholic that needed help -we tribution toward making our marhow one non-alcoholic feels-me. I to give up the struggle against the would be alright if the alcoholic only would get straightened out. I riage, our home and our family must say here that at first I was thing that was ruining us, our marrelieved to know he was finally riage, our home and our family, AA would have indeed been left in the what it is today. You see, AA has going to do something about his was indeed the pot of gold at the mud and the mire, caused by the shown me that God was willing to problem, then I was skeptical as to end of the rainbow for me. rain which in turn brought us our give me, too, a second chance at what it could do for him and, in I will never cease to be grateful rainbow and the pot of gold, had I being a successful wife and mother. turn, what could be done about our for what AA has done for me, per- not been willing to take what I Marge M., Nalano Group Sacramento, Calif.

August

My friend had arranged for a methods of rehabilitation, and that meeting, however, and persuaded there are some fellows on the “inme to go. Thank God I went! As I side” who are just as sincere about A Policy with all the “Extras” left this meeting I seemed to be an entirely different person -I could wanting to change their way of life as those on the “outside.” The adsee those visions that our co-founder ministration admitted that this was Bill W. saw back in 1934. Walking a “good deal”. . .that they were satto the car, I kept thinking how isfied. We were then allowed to WOULDYOU CARE to have a better about making Twelfth Step calls. I much I had to be thankful for, and proceed with the formation of the insurance policy on your sobriety? refused to lead meetings when I an old motto hit me with new second group a t the Front Camp, This policy has all the “extras9′- very easily could have done so– power: But for the Grace of God. the third group at Camp 6, the reduction of resentment, added hu- against my better judgment I was . . . I was rich and hadn’t known it. fourth group at Camp 5 and fimility, greater activity and a better following the advice of some other Needless to say, I had been “sold” nally, last December, the fifth group understanding of the statement, “old timers” who felt that we -I was ready to go all the way. a t the Hospital. AA is now avail- “the more we give away, the more should take a back seat and let the My friend told me that he would able to every white male inmate in abundantly will it be returned to new members take over. like me to take charge of this the Mississippi State Penitentiary. us.” Such a policy will cost you In this frame of rnind-complete- “project” since I was only thirty We started in August 1955 with very little or nothing a t all, and its ly “off” the AA program-I got miles from the prison and he lived eight men attending our first meetbenefits are unlimited. This sobri- drunk after ten years of sobriety some two hundred miles. I readily ing a t Camp 4. Today, in five ety insurance policy is called work- and happiness. agreed. groups we have some two hundred ing with AA in prisons. I want no more back seats! Nothing worthwhile comes easily. members at Parchman. The pres- I obtained one of these policies During my subsequent two-week . . . I was soon to learn that we had ent administration has gone all out some two years ago, and my divi- stay in the hospital, I kept thinking many obstacles confronting us. How to help us. dends already have exceeded my of the injustice I had done to AA well they could be overcome re- In September of 1956, officials alfondest dreams. I am trying, how- and to my many AA friends. One mained to be seen. After several lowed all groups to be brought toever, to refrain from patting myself drink of whiskey, my thoughts ran, trips to the prison, I could see that on the back for I know that lack of had completely changed my life. the entire administration was leery effort and interest will cause the Finally I brought myself to a half- about this project. Some outside dividends to decrease; even the face halt. I came to realize that God AA groups and members also were value of the policy will depreciate. forgives and that AA would take doubtful that this venture could be I do know that as of today, I am me back. successful. more than pleased with this type of These two thoughts carried a lot The State Penitentiary a t Parchsobriety insurance. of weight a t the crucial moment . . . man, Mississippi is broken into At the age of twenty-six, I attend- and upon my return to AA God did camps, and we were in Camp 4 on ed my first AA meeting. The year step in: one of my old AA buddies a trial basis only. Getting AA into was 1944. After experiencing jails, came to me with the idea of taking other camps depended entirely on sobering-up joints and the insane AA to the inmates at the Missis- the success of this group. With the asylum, I was ready. . . . Then, with sippi State Penitentiary. I wasn’t Higher Power directing us, I beten years of sobriety behind me at interested because I had tried this lieve, we proved in five months that the age of thirty-six, I grew com- in 1947, and the officials wouldn’t the program of Alcoholics Anonyplacent. I found myself hesitant even listen to me. mous is one of the best known

gether for a big Open Meeting with helping the guy who is still strug- we can, and then checking back at years of confinement with enough outside visitors and speakers. Never gling in a sea of darkness and intervals to see how our man is money to live for two days, some of before in the history of Parchman despair. faring. This procedure would help them sincere and some of them had so many inmates been brought to accumulate some rough statistics using AA as an angle. We maintain We now have a five-man committogether a t the same time, under the tee that works with the administra- as to how much is being accom- that there ought to be some followsame roof. This meeting was so tion at Parchman and its five AA plished by AA in prison. I t is our through to help these fellows get on successful that we have been per- groups. One or more members of belief that it might be possible to their feet; yet at the same time we mitted to hold one such meeting this committee is present each meet- do a better job if we could have wonder just how far to go and to each month thereafter. private consultations with inmates what extent we should offer heIp. ing night. Our presence seems to while they are still in prison, since This question presents a more com- Despite the unwritten law that add interest and enthusiasm-and they sometimes will discuss matters plex problem in rural than in inno ex-convict could come on the at the same time we are receiving a with outside members that they are dustrial areas. grounds of the State Penitentiary, tremendous boost and increased in- reluctant to discuss with inmate we eventually convinced the admin- surance on our sobriety. Though Another problem arises when our members. prison groups want to publish a istration that an ex-convict who had we feel that we have made mighty Almost as important as carrying monthly publication, since the state come into AA while in prison and strides, we realize that we still have the AA message to alcoholic pris- has made no provision to pay for was now on the outside practicing a long road to travel; and along this oners is seeing that information is paper, stamps, ink and other necesand living our program would be a road will be some “wash-outs,” offered to prison officials as to what sary supplies. With the inmates re- ‘ good “dose” for the members, and some detours and some bridges gone an alcoholic is and what the pro- ceiving no compensation, the money finally, for our February Open that we must build as we come to gram of Alcoholics Anonymous can must come from AA members or Meeting they consented for us to them. We feel that some day, with do toward rehabilitation of alcohol- from AA groups within the state. invite an ex-convict as a speaker. God’s help, this road will be a fouric prisoners. I t is desirable that This method had not been enough This was the “icing on the cakew– lane super highway. prison personnel attend meetings, now the administration and the in- to defray expenses in our case, for At present we are primarily tryand that the administration be very few groups have a surplus. mates are asking for more of the ing to get our AA group on a solid agreed on the matter of opening the Outsiders have offered to donate same. foundation within Parchman, aldoors to outside AA members. The money, but to date these offers have These fellows are now publish- though we realize that the program more outsiders the inmates see, the ing their own monthly magazine, must go much deeper. Every new been refused. more they are likely to believe that There are quite a few answers “Twelve High,” and are also al- inmate corning to the prison should AA will work and that, after all, that we don’t have here in Missislowed to correspond with prison be interviewed to determine if he there are some people in the world and outside AA groups all over the has an alcoholic problem. Depend- sippi regarding AA at our state who are interested in them. penitentiary, but with the Higher country. Almost all the members ing upon his answer, we might talk seem to have a new outlook on life. with some of the leaders of his com- We tell all our groups in the be- Power guiding us we are certain we They are hopeful and happy with munity, his family or law enforce- ginning that we are not an employ- will be directed in the right way, what they have found in our pro- ment officers in the section of the ment agency, but that our one pur- and we are aware that the officials gram. Most of their resentments country from which he came, in pose is to bring them AA, with the a t Parchman are with us and for us. are gone–and they, just as we, order to get helpful background hope that they will find a new way There are a few things about were loaded with them in the be- information. of life. Yet upon their release, many prison AA of which I am certain, ginning. AA a t the Mississippi Upon his release we feel that we come to us for help because they however. I t is Twelfth Step work State Penitentiary, just as in the should have a contact set up with have no place to go-no home, no in its highest form-Twelfth Step free world, grows larger and strong- the group to which he may go, giv- job, no friends, no nothing-men work that is urgently needed; and er-gaining a firmer foothold and ing this group all the information thrust into the free world after should your state be like mine, you

can get all you desire. Working wasn’t too interested. For me, nothwith these fellows behind bars has ing can be as satisfying to the soul brought me my greatest happiness as seeing one of these “lost” feland peace of mind in all my thir- lows regain his place in society teen years as a member of Alco- through the practice of living-to holics Anonymous. the best of his ability-the Twelve One by one I have encouraged Steps as given us in this wonderful other members in my area to at- program. I have come to look fortend some of these group meetings ward to my three or four trips to with me. At first they were not in- Parchman each week as much as I terested in this type of AA, but look forward to my own group. after one meeting they were asking, Today I have a priceless sobriety “When may I come back?” My ex- insurance policy .. . tomorrow it perience with these inmates has might be a worthless piece of paper, been a life-saver -and I almost but today it is invaluable. missed the boat because a t first I Dick K., Cleveland, Miss.

August 1957

SITTING PRETTY

Ed. note: The following reply to our letter from the author of “I Found Freedom in Prison” (June Grapevine) SO lifted our spirits that we wanted to share it with you.

YOURLETTER IS A CHECK I shall be very happy to con- I was given individual psychodrawn on the coin of the heart and tribute other articles to you. MY therapy, group therapy, schooling I shall spend it on others. little talent is a gift in trust-mine and-in many ways, little by little Some changes have been made to use and enjoy only so long as I –encouraged to develop my posince I submitted that article. To let use it for others. However, if the tential for good. I now understand the mundane precede the heavenly, framework of an article should call my “stinking thinking,” and have I tell you first that my address is for a reference to the Department of developed empathy for the other felnow just Los Padres . . . We now Corrections, I would feel obligated, low. I’m a new man-and I’m going have our own post office. But the even after release, to channel it into a new world, because the outer heavenly is: I won’t be using this through the Director, as one little world is but a manisfestation of our address much longer. The Adult word-however good intentioned- inner world. It’s our reaction to cir- Authority granted me a parole at might inadvertently harm a pro- cumstances that determines whether my appearance on April 23, so, ef- gram that has meant salvation to they are crushing or uplifting. Yes, fective August 16, I shall have a me and to thousands of others. I I have learned a lot. Anonymity street address. I’ll be sitting pretty wish you could know what the De- and no pay are the keys to my heart in some pretty little city . . . partment of Corrections program and mind as far as the Grapevine is That means that the harvest time has meant to me . . . concerned. is at hand. The AA that has been I was a wino on Boston’s Scollay T.F.W., Los Padres, Calif. implanted over a long period of Square; on the Bowery I lived in a time is “purple on the vine.” Your flop house on Hester Street, just off letter is a harbinger of good things the Canal, and made Domthy Day’s to come from integration with out- soup line; I was a wino in Los Anside groups. No one save an alco- geles and in Sacramento. I had holic can possibly understand what sober periods and even got a decent I mean when I say that your letter job or two but the vortex had caught is one of those miracles that happen me up. I was in a dizzy whirl on to us in AA. It made the program my way to oblivion. So few men seem very real to me as a way of ever get loose from that pull that I life after I leave here. Perhaps consider myself most fortunate to nothing else could have made me have come to prison, especially in feel so keenly the burgeoning fel- California, where every effort is lowship, the need for others, and the made to rehabilitate the prisoner. responsibility to others, as your letter did.

September 1957

Last January a member of our did for her two months, very faithwomen’s g r o u p h a d a s l i p a n d fully). slashed her wrists. She was found in We went back home and I very time and taken by the police to enthusiastically suggested a t a meetthe general hospital and from there, ing that the women’s group sponsor when she was well enough, to jail. a group in the Women’s Jail. One She had been a girl of the streets or two of our older members took with a sensational background and f r i g h t a n d one spoke out definitely was already on suspended sentence, against the project. She is a fine so she received a two-monthsentence. member and has a lot of influence Had she not been a member of AA with the g i r l o s o it was decided the sentence would have been six that the girls would keep writing to months or more. our own member in the Women’s I hadn’t had much to do with her Jail to encourage her, but the womup to that point but while she was in en’s group would take no further acthe local jail waiting to be sent to tion in the matter, as a group. the Women’s Jail some miles dis- I felt as if I had stepped in a hole, . tant she asked to see me and I went but I know I am impulsive and wrong over. on a lot of counts, so I didn’t blow S h e was very pathetic-tear- my t o p 1 went home and decided stained, shaking, desperate–and she not to antagonize anyone but to try swore that if she was sent to the things from a different angle. Women’s Jail she would hang her- I enlisted the support of three othself. er girls-all of whom are very warm, I felt bad for her, and after she wise and out-going and who also was sent away I got another mem- either had transportation, or could ber of our women’s group and we afford the bus-and we went out to went out to see her. I t is about sixty the Jail every Saturday afternoon miles from h e r e a n d costs $2.90 for the period that our pigeon was w round-trip by bus. You can take a there. Dear Hazel, bus at noon and return at 8 P.M.or We had about twenty girls a t a First of all, bless your heart for writing to me again, despite the fact that one a t 5 P.M.and return about mid- meeting. T h e y were from about I had left your wonderful first letter unanswered. At the time all your nut- night. ( I tell you these things as eighteen years of age to close to sixty, terial was received I was floundering in a sea of frustration and kept hoping transportation and time were among so there was no special age group. that things would work out so that I would have something good to tell you the problems I ran into.) To get back They were a pathetic little bunch, but they have not improued-so 1’11 tell you all about it, and maybe (you are to our AA inmate: we found her in mostly Indians, with a very low I.Q. wiser than I ) you will be able to see a solution. 1’11 go back to the beginning. a very depressed frame of mind and Out of the twenty, maybe six or Ed. note-thus begins the first of many handwritten pages addressed t o the went to work on her. We finally con- seven women had pronounced alco- General Service Headquarters staff member who handles “institution AA” vinced her that she had a real oppor- holic problems. They all drank, of, … the problem on which its writer sought–and got-helpful advice is fortunately a rare one. The rest of the letter follows: tunity out there and got her to agree to take some meetings (which she course, but I don’t think alcoholism was the main issue. A lot of them

came to the meetings for diversion mentally ill in psycho and the spirit- nothing while I was at the meetings. group. What the Superintendent reor for the cigarettes we passed out. ually ill in jail-and when you are He finally drew the line and said he quests is that a contact with the Most of them listened to what we all three you’re lucky if you make needed his weekends for other pur- prison be maintained and that AA had to say, brightly and indifferent- AA, I guess! What I’m trying to say poses. He said he would be glad to continue to carry h e message to the ly, but there were some who listened is that I never felt that the girls were provide a fair share of the transpor- prison by regular meetings at times with their hearts! I had the feeling bad, just sick, as I had been. But tation-but not all of it. convenient to AA. I think that comes they could be helped. They all liked some of the other AA members who The day after said decision was within our jurisdiction and shouldn’t AA and asked us to keep coming. visited the Jail got a different feeling made, your letter and all that grand be too impossible! and felt that we were not accom- material from GSH arrived and in- When the Superintendent replied plishing anything for all the time spired me afresh, and I tried to go to my letter I went out to see her. and mileage the project required, ahead. But no one seemed interested She said she had phoned the AA and that we weren’t being practical. any longer and my husband refused group near the Jail and asked for There is practically no rehabilita- to let me undertake it alone. He said their help and that someone had tion hereabouts for released women that it’s one thing to carry the mes- promised to come and talk it over prisoners and the AA girls felt-and sage and another to bear the brunt with her, but so far had not done so. We had to keep the meetings very I could certainly see the point-that of all the sponsoring alone. So upon my return I sent a letter to simple or the general attention it was cruel to encourage the inmates I had the feeling most of the time the chairman of our Intergroup, inwould wander. They were hesitant and then, when they were released that I was working against AA, not cluding the letter and all the materiabout asking any questions because with the one dollar the government for it-because none of the groups al sent me from GSH, and asking the others would laugh or nudge provides, meet them, have a cup of here are a t all anxious to include the that AA as a whole undertake the each other-not an ideal set-up by coffee or a meal with them, take girls and don’t want to be involved. carrying of the message. Today it any means, but not amimpossible them to a meeting. . . and then they I t has all been very b a i n g . was all retvrned to m-including one either. I thougt 1. .e were mak- were more or less on their own again. I wrote to the Superintendent of my letter tc ,.:em! The decision of I

ing some progress, because at first A large percentage of them are in the Jail telling her of the decision the Intergroup was that it was not the girls sat with dbwncast eyes and jail for prostitution and vagrancy . to discontinue the meetings . . she up to them; they preferred to have wouldn’t even look a t us; but then and it isn’t hard to predict what is a grand person-calm, gentle and alcoholics referred to them by a rethey began to raise their heads. The would happen. I know what I would even in such discouraging work she habilitative agency and in that way prison staff said that the girls were do in a similar situation. remains hopeful and deeply con- be sure of co-operation in that reinsolent to welfare workers and sim- I n most cases it would not be feas- cerned for the future of her alcohol- gard. ilar people who talked to them, but ible to take the girls into our homes ic prisoners. She has the highest They must be right, Hazel, but I very eager to attend AA meetings- for a variety of reasons. The prob- regard for Alcoholics Anonymous. am still not satisfied, and I’ll tell ;z ., and they were easier to handle for lems are legion if you want to go Her contention is that if even one why. This is only my own opinion days after an AA meeting. into them and, forgetting about the alcoholic can be saved, everything so please bear with me: when things I really felt a love for the inmates twenty-four-hour program, we buc- has been worth w h i l e a n d I think fell through about the meetings I which surprised me, because I am kled under them -and a meeting so too. was quite disturbed, but comforted a sort of Milquetoast with a heart was held in which it was decided to There is no member of the clergy myself with all the excuses I set condition a n d I expected t o be discontinue the meetings a t the or spiritual advisor connected with forth earlier in this letter. But I scared and upset, but I wasn’t. I Women’s Jail. I didn’t feel exactly the prison who could be an inside guess I’ve been around AA too long ~nlwaysfelt sort of peaceful after right about it, but I had been out contact for AA. The average time a -I’m beginning to spot my own m, each meeting. I felt that physically there five weeks in a row and my girl spends there is seventy-seven tionalizations now. ill people wind up in hospitals, the husband had to cool his heels doing days, which makes it hard to form a All the follow-up jobs attendant

reluctant attitude. First -it wasn’t to think about– 3 sort of glad guided by the twenty-four-hour prothat the others ha, ~ b menan out gram; second, it doesn’t seem to conby listing the diffic ?.;ties and voting form to the AA principles of love to abandon the meetings. I t took and service; and third, it is contrary the responsibility pff -v shoulders to Tradition Five. At least, that is and left m y halo intadr after all, I my opinion-but I don’t know what had tried my best, ha& f ,, else to do. 2 .1-. Can you write and give the Superintendent any advice? She would certainly welcome it. I have the feeling that if the right people in AA knew of this need things would get moving and probably everything would click into place, but I don’t want to become a problem to the groups by harping on this too much. I think it just creates more resistance anyway and doesn’t make for Bilt I couldn’t forget the girls in sympathy for the Women’s Jail-but prison. I knew the difficulties were the fact remains that there are alcoreal and numerous, but vAen I took holic women in there and the Superinventory I found that :he difficul- intendent asks for the message to be ties weren’t in the Women’s Jail- carried, they were in me! Fear, laziness, self- Is it within your province, Hazel, .* ,ishness, and all the others. to acquaint the local groups with ” d f t e r I saw ;>dl that I told my .4 this request? Maybe if you contactp k e r Power, ust how I felt and ed people it might work where I insol to be relieved of those impedi- have failed. I’m just casting about ilar 1- ‘ o far I’ve still got most of for ideas. My suggestions may be >ve< :, .V I am a t least willing to quite impossible from your point of , : 1: rrit– .;FA’ the problem ahead is view. .A mi s great as the Power behind us. Anyway, I feel I am completely So I feel that the Intergroup de- powerless and when that happened cision was a very human one and to me before, I had only one rejust what I would like to make my- course–~~maybe if I stop straining self as a person, but I don’t fed that and pray a little more, something it was an AA decision-because it constructive will happen. is just a multiplication of my own Anon. (Area withheld b y request) NO USE BORROWING trouble–there are always people willing to give it to you. Chit-Chat, Robesonia, Pa.

September 1957

AA w m ORCANUED HERE by mem- years of age, with an average sen- summer months. At several sessions the institution, only ninety-four have bers of the Oklahoma City AA tence of thirty months. Accordingly, during our hottest weather there reviolated. We feel that this indi- Groups in October 1951. The ‘alco- we have emphasized the instruction- were over 200 present. cates that the forum has a t least holics only’ concept was employed al and educational approaches to the Each alcoholic and narcotic mem- played a part in the reformation of until the spring of 1953. The scope AA program with the view that to ber of our Forum AA Group is per- most of the young men. According of the program was then expanded forewarn is to forearm them for post- mitted to have an AA group added to their past records, most of them to include many other problems in release living. to his mailing list for individual cor- were probably due to spend more living. This change was not a sud- The first hour of our sessions is respondence. Our group secretary time behind bars if they did not abden departure from the traditional conducted on the order of the AA may correspond with other group ruptly change their way of living AA but rather was brought about closed sessions, with discussion of secretaries for the purpose of ex- after they left here. A recent survey gradually through the needs of our the Twelve Steps and personal prob- changing information concerning shows that 314 of the approximate inmates. There was an apparent lems. Members of the steering com- group activities, new procedures,etc. thousand inmates have attended need here for Narcotics Anonymous, mittee serve as leaders in these dis- Our records show that of the 661 three or more sessions of forum. – . .-. -. men who attended five or more forum F. E. E., Sponsor, Forum AA Group, sessions and have been released from Federal Reformatory,El Reno,Okla. Other Problems in LIVING Gamblers Anonymous, Convicts cussions and other members partici- Anonymous, etc., similar to those pate as they desire. In the Twelve found on the outside. However, our Steps and in any AA literature used institutional activity time schedule here the words alcohol and alcoholwas so full that it was decided to ism are changed to read “serious combine all these various “anony- problems in living.” Each man apmi” into one activity. First we plies the teachings to his own parstudied the situation carefully and ticular problem in living. talked it over with various represent- All forum attendance and particiatives of AA who visited the insti- pation is strictly voluntary. Attentution. dance has been averaging over 94 Our inmates are in the younger per session during our night school age group, averaging about twenty terms and about 125 during the

September 1957

FROM C A N A D A

PRINCE .. . ALBERT May we inform toba Penitentiary. Other representayou that Nor-Kel has just held their tives were from Saskatchewan, a semi-annual open meeting, May 5, total of sixteen different centers! 1957. I t was very successful-the Due primarily, we believe, to our best open meeting ever held in this extension of institutional AA, the institution. Prince Albert City Groups, the Sas- Institutional AA is definitely katchewan Provincial Jail Group growing in Canada and our group and our own Nor-Kel Group amalis adding our part substantially. We gamated for this occasion to put have had wonderful encouragement forth a concentrated AA effort and from the Commissioner of Peniten- round-up known as the Annual tiaries, Major General R. B. Gibson, Gateway Roundup. We in the Nor- Justice Dept., Ottawa, Ontario. I n Kel Group were given the honor of our group, and in AA work in gen- suggesting the name Gatewayeral, we are having unparalleled co- which seemed a natural as Prince operation from our administration. Albert City is known as the Gate- We had eight representatives, from the cities of Calgary and Ed- . way to the north . . and in the monton, in Alberta; while three rep- Provincial Jail and the Saskatcheresentatives, from Minnedosa and wan Penitentiary we look to the Stoney Mountain, were from the gateway for freedom. province of Manitoba. Rev. George Just over two hundred attended, McNeill, co-sponsor of the New according to information we have re- Dawn group, was the one present ceived. Perhaps the way is paved for from Stoney Mountain and Mani- the provincial roundup being held in Prince Albert, come another year! B.T., Nor-Ke2 Group Saskatchewan

October 1957

years before, I carried a paper route night in 1953. From this meeting that included the Ohio Penitentiary sprang a plan, now well known as and delivered some twenty papers to Big Brothers of Alcoholics Anonyinmates. Under the easy system pre- mous, generally shortened to the BB vailing at the time, I was permitted to deliver papers direct to the cells. Since I was young and had led a blameless life, I had formed the opinion that a convict was a different kind of person, whose life, in my The callow opinion, was entirely different from that of normal people. I Ohio decided that they were to be avoided at all cost. Because I did not see Way . . . any more prisoners for many years and did not think about the matter, WE HAVE HEARD that penal AA etc., and providing the speakers. As my opinion about convicts remained started a t San Quentin Prison in time went on, these and other groups unchanged for a long time. California in 1941. I n Ohio we did assumed their full functions, elect- When I became interested in cornot get under way until 1949, when, ing their own officers and arranging rectional AA I was thrown into con- After a lot of talk at this informal after considerable negotiating, the their own programs. tact with the inside members and meeting it was apparent that all had first meeting was held at the Ohio As I remember it, absolutely noth- the impression gradually grew that come to agreement on certain fun- Penitentiary on June 19. The occa- ing was done about AAs who even- they were just people. About this damentals. The first of these was sion made an indelible impression tually left, either through parole or time I began to meet all parolees that any plan, to be workable, must on me. The group members present expiration of their sentence. No one when they came out of the Ohio be simple. (You see, most of those were some sixty-five screened in- seemed to have any idea that any- Penitentiary and my impression in attendance had heard Dr. Bob’s mates, who sat in the body of the thing should be done. As time went grew to the conviction, indeed, that last talk in Cleveland in 1950.) The prison auditorium; and twenty-three on, however, some of the inside mem- they were just people. This seems second fundamental was that the outside AAs from Cleveland and Co- bers expressed a desire to join out- foolish today but it is being recount- same service should be rendered to lumbus, who sat on the stage. I t was side groups upon their release. These ed just as it occurred. At any rate, all who wanted it. A plan was dea new experience for everyone there members who asked for outside help it caused me to decide that some- cided upon and the writer was desand each group looked over the other were generally leaders on the inside thing more should be done for the ignated to draw up a written stategroup rather carefully. and were, perhaps, among those who inside members upon their release, ment of just what was proposed, to Today eleven Ohio correctional seemed to be most socially oriented. and I began to think-and to talk to be submitted to a meeting to be institutions hold twelve regular In these cases efforts were made by my friends of similar interest- called in Columbus in August. meetings. All the groups did not individual outside members to be of about some organized effort to keep On August 9, 1953 seventeen AAs start at the same time, of course: the some help, but the vast majority of our inside AA members active in our met to put the movement on foot second one was at the London Pris- the members who left the institution program after their release. This officially. These dedicated people on Farm, in October 1949. The had nothing whatever done for them. thinking and talking culminated in represented all parts of the state; groups started out well, with outside At this point a little reminiscence a meeting of nine Ohio AAs around they were from Wooster, Akron, AAs acting as chairman, secretary, seems called for. More than fifty a dining-room-table on a hot July Cleveland, Cincinnati, Dayton, To-

ledo, Mansfield, Zanesville, Bowling ment, which can be written on a Green, Newark and Columbus. There single page, has stood the test of stitutions furnished data on age, simple purpose is to contact rewas a long, serious and constructive time and it is felt by the BB of AA race, marital status, occupation and leased AA members and introduce discussion, which ended with the members that its conciseness and other information regarded as im- them to an outside group. adoption of “Articles of Agreement simplicity explain, in part, the SUC- portant, and the clearing house BB of AA believes that in the for the Guidance of Big Brothers of cess of the movement. I quote a few clerk attempted to “match up” simplicity of their program lies Alcoholics Anonymous.” This docu- sentences: parolee and contact. strength. Some efforts made in other A lot of educational work needed states to help the released AA mem- EXTRACTS F R O M B B O F A A CHARTER to be done-both inside and outside ber have failed. In one state the the institutions. Some of the boys red carpet was really rolled out for . . . The object will be to provide kept at a minimum and no salaries on the inside figured that BB of AA parolees: they were met by a comautomatic AA contact for all mem- paid. . . . bers of institutional groups who are . . . The clearing house clerk will meant parole sponsors, jobs, loans mittee who took them to a hotel for discharged. and general coddling. The inside lunch, after having an entire new . . . AA members throughout the and seek cooperation with all groups state of Ohio become BBs of AA by rectly central offices but will deal di- member had to be told that BB of outfit of clothing purchased for with individual AA members them. In another state an elaborate pledging themselves to contact dis- who have become BBs. AA did none of these things as an chargees assigned them and intro- organization, but that it did offer set of rules was adopted, including ducing them to an AA group. . . . . . . Care will be taken at all times . . . BB of AA will set up a clearing to keep BB in the hands of AA, fellowship and advice on living five pages devoted to procedures for house with a clerk in charge, who of which it is an integral part. Co- problems so that material gains securing loans, which concluded w~llreg~sterBBs, gather informa- operation . . . will be sought and with the information that no funds tion about AA members about to be reciprocated by BB of AA. could be realized. I t had to be exdischarged, and make assignments . . . Simplicity and anonymity plained clearly that BB of AA pur- were available for loan purposes. to AA contacts. Expenses will be should prevail at all times. posely does not go in for these This state, as well as the one rethings but rather contents itself with ferred to above, has abandoned any THE P L A N IN O P E R A T I O N carrying the message. This ap- assistance for the parolee. In other With the passage of this charter, Miller of London Prison Farm. proach seems to have paid off in the states methods conceived in AA without dissent, BB of AA was These gentlemen (both of whom long run-although the policy must have been thrown open to the entry ready to go to work. One of the are now associate wardens) under- constantly be emphasized because of the public in the form of state first things to be done was to ar- took to furnish the required infor- inside zealots, along with a few out- officials and do-gooders generally so range for AA members to be regis- mation about parolees-and BB of siders, insist that parole sponsorship that any identity with AA is lost. tered as BBs and to set up a plan AA was ready to start operations. is a part of our endeavor. Of course, BB of AA was set up by AAs for the for obtaining the necessary informa- A third institution now cooperating there are no restrictions as such on benefit of AAs, and it has no memtion about outcoming releasees. The in this work is the Marion Correc- what individual AAs may do for any- bers except AAs. If anyone in any former was handled by mail and by tional Institution, with Mr. E. R. one; but as an organized movement other category belongs to the BB, personal interviews on the part of Etter as advisor. Mr. S. M. Patter- BB of AA is kept simple-and the it is because he also belongs to AA. the founders. In no time at all 300 son is now AA advisor a t Ohio HIGHER % OF AA PAROLEES GET FINAL RELEASE AAs were accepted as BB of AA. Pentitentiary and Mr. E. 0.Skagon While this was going on there at London Prison Farm. Before concluding this article I 14, 1957), BB of AA has handled were only two institutions discharg- In the fall of 1953 the first inside shall quote a few figures. These may 1070 cases, as follows: 1953-46; ing inmates and both of these had members began to come out under be relied upon-they are compiled 1954–312; 1955-291; 1956270; interested advisors to the inmate the new plan-and without consideration for what they 1957 (to date) -131. As far as can BB of AA AA groups: Mr. M. J. Koloski of started to function. A little shaky at will show; accuracy and truth is the be ascertained no other organized Ohio Penitentiary and Mr. G. E. first, but it did function. The in- object and they are offeredwith con- effort has any comparable experifidence. Including today (August ence. Although we are well aware

that the exact picture varies from Pentitentiary it was not long before BB of AA many, many more al- taking them to meetings, introducday to day, here is the approximate a weak spot was detected in our coholic felons are remaining in good ing them as those wanting to do result: 57% of the AA parolees re- procedure. I t was found that, fol- standing in their respective com- something about their drinking ceive a final release, while 45% of munities, and this, in our humble problem, with never any reference the entire Ohio penal population re- opinion, represents the only kind of made to their having been inmates ceive a final release. These figures speak for themselves. progress worth discussing.” of a penal institution. . . . We Anyone familiar with correctional humbly and gratefully salute the I n the person of Mr. S. M. Pat- AA work recognizes the enthusiasm Big Brothers of Alcoholics Anonyterson, psychologist and AA ad- of the inside members. Latent tal- mous, who carry this message into visor a t the Ohio Penitentiary, BB ents come to the fore, the meeting penal AA: we want you and need of AA has a zealous supporter. room is decorated, beautiful signs you just as we hope you do us.” Those who know him feel that AA are made and publications are writand BB of AA form perhaps his most ten, edited and printed or mimeo- ANNUAL FALL CONFERENCE devoted interest, outside of his fam- graphed. Many other constructive BB of AA meets twice a year- . ily. He knows as many AAs as any- things are done-and all these abili- an annual Conference in October one in Ohio, is in demand as a ties come out with the inmate when and what is called a committee speaker a t many AA gatherings, and he leaves the institution; they have meeting in April. For the last few attended the Yale School of Alco- been factors in successful careers. years the April committee meeting holic Studies in 1956. lowing release, a parolee was very Several groups can testify that the has held a session with the Ohio Writing in an Ohio official pub- reluctant to seek membership in a boys from the inside have married Penitentiary AA group with large, lication, Mr. Patterson said in part: new and outside group. As a result the belles of their groups. enthusiastic state-wide attendance. “Most of us engaged in serious work most of the effort to teach them the Some of the successes have been The Fifth Annual Conference will in the field of alcoholism and crime AA program in prison was wasted. outstanding, but so have some of the be held this year in Cincinnati on are of the opinion that the AA pro- The Big Brothers of Alcoholics failures. Like Mr. Patterson, we October 13. gram in the correctional institution Anonymous (BB of AA) came have learned “to concentrate on our Many inquiries have been reoffers a unique and highly special- into being in 1953 to fill this need improved ratio of successes.” ceived about the workings of BB of ized type of treatment resource in and to insure that ‘every released An inside member (who edits AA. At first, personal letters were the re-socialization of incarcerated member of an inside group who de- the Ohio Penitentiary Eye-opener) written in reply, but when the load alcoholic and problem drinkers. sires outside help from AA shall describes BB of AA: “A unique became too heavy, mimeographed Prior to the inception of correction- have it.’ That this was a step in the group that has but one purpose: material was prepared-and it has al AA and BB of AA in Ohio, in- right direction is indicated by the to assist the alcoholic felon become gone all over the world. Informamates diagnosed as alcoholic were fact that since the founding of BB reestablished in society after his tion reaches the office that the BB considered more or less hopeless of AA, the number of alcoholic release from prison . . .not seeking of AA plan has proved successful and approximately 80% were re- parolees who have made the grade praise or glory, certainly no com- elsewhere. BB of AA is a simple turned as parolee violaters, largely on parole has increased approxi- pensation other than, perhaps, the program for simple people to be of due to drinking and consequential mately thirty percent. We have personal satisfaction that they were service to a segment of AA memberacts. This figure has been reduced learned not to be overly concerned helping their fellowman with more ship who are undergoing an imto 42% and, as methods and pro- about ‘failures’ but rather to con- than lip-service. For this group is portant change in their environcedures improve, the prognosis is centrate on our improved ratio of not content with talk-they must ment. God has chosen to grant it a bright indeed. When correctional ‘successes.’ The indisputable fact have action, and they do so by mak- measure of success. AA was introduced at the Ohio remains that, due to the effort of ing contact with alcoholic-parolees, Anon., Columbus, Ohio.

November 1957

man who had reached his lowest Three years and nine months i t . level. took. Now, I’m going out on parole. Shadows Have Faces But things were happening in the During the past two years I have sold one western action novel to a pit. I was evaluated by sociologists and psychologists. “You’re an alco- hardback pub1ishc:r; twenty-four holic; you should get into Alco- short stories to religious magazines. holics Anonymous.” For what? I I have proof that God, as we under- SOME 2300 YEARS AGO a Greek offender I: this is my fourth prison was bitter. I couldn’t get a drink. stand him, answers prayers. thinker wrote a parable, The Image term. I entered San Quentin a “You should take a correspondence T h e shackles? T h e y ‘ v e been Of The Cave. H e compared men recidivist with a “rap sheet” that course in short story writing.” That beaten into tools for building a new with prisoners chained in a cave, made hope for a parole a shadow of was “the most unkindest cut of all” life. The resentments are sublitheir backs to the light, mistaking a shadow. The past, the present, -I had tried to write fiction in mated; the egotism replaced with shadows on the wall before them the future congealed, clotting the other prisons, but my characters the real Ego-the “I Am” who is for reality. Since Plato’s time, artery of life and draining the heart never had any life in them. This God as I understand him; the writers have allegorized prisoners of hope. Full of hate for all men, advice was some subtle form of prejudices fade when we realize as “men in the shadows.” This is I saw only hatred for me in society’s torture that replaced the whip and that everyone and everything is part false imagery in the case of alco- eyes, and I told myself: “T. W., clubs of the other prisons. of God’s plan. T o change it would holits—we were rhaincd, our bark you’re dcad. You haven’t got a But my wordless prayer to God be to replace his will with my own. to the light, mistaking shadows for ghost of a chance.” But I’d once became articulate. I now prayed: 1 even like prison oficials. I reality long before our inability to been a lawyer, and I sharpened my “Endow me with the gift of writ- haven’t said “bull” or “screw” for grasp reality brought us to prison. weapon of retaliation. I’d be a ing.” But I didn’t write; I was not more than a year now. Through I not only found freedom from “stir-n, ,uthpieceV and release men going to be hurt, be rejected again. c~nqxitliyI stB(>that, in his oflic.in1 s h a r k l e ~ of resentment, egotism, on legal technicalities. I t was a Then one day it dawned on me that acts, he is far more lenient, more and prejudice in prison, but I also crushing affront to find that Cali- California would not spend money merciful, more just than I have ever learned that the shadows I pursued fornia courts look rather to the to make a fool out of a skidrow been with my fellow men. I actually so futilely in alcoholic search of whole to see if substantial justice bum-I was already the world’s hope to become as big spiritually love, recognition, and belonging are has been done. Mine was the help- biggest fool! So I took the short as some oficials I know. I h r the but lifeless projections of the real lessness of the trapped animal with story course (paid for by the De- man who can lead the. blind to men and women who await eagerly no claws, no fangs, no cleverness. partment of Corrections) ; I got into light, unstayed by the hate his hc4p to give me the reality of brother- When a man is stripped to his AA; I went back into my Church; initially arouses, is to be big spirithood of which the shadows are but naked soul, he is ashamed and fear- I got into group therapy. I was ually. And it finally penetrated my unrealistic distortions-to give it to ful before God. I began a n age-old even one of the lucky ones who got thick skull that, were it not for me warm with the breath of life prayer, one that self-betrayed men a year of intensive p3ychotherapy. emphatic prison officials, thcrc and pulsing with their heartbeats. have said ever since the world I began to see that alcoholism i-i would be no parolrs for recidivists! For three years and nine months began: “God, unless you lift me but a symptom of an emotional Thc average man in the street has 1 I~:ivc! been a ward of the Califor- from this pit I’ve dug, I shall disease; I began to sell stories . . . not I(wned, through trial and error, nia Department of Corrections as a ~erish.”There was no conversion- not all a t once, mind you-God is to look beyond my “rap sheet” and convicted felon. No wide-eyed first just the inarticulate prayer of a careful in remodeling his clay. A initial snarls to see my pottmtial brittle fool has to shed a few bitter for good. . . . tears to moisten him for recasting. So I go o u t soon now. T h t ~ Over a period of time it happened. shadows that used to fill my grop-

ing hands with nothingness are be- For these walls are but symbols of hind me. I’m walking toward the stone piled upon stone by our own light. There are thousands of men selfish hands to shut out others from and women in AA who are real- our true selves. With the Help of whose breath and hearts are mine Cod as we understand him, the on an exchange basis. I just walk walls fall flat-like those of Jericho. up, offer them me, and in this I look forward to taking this mesjoyous mart of barter there is so- sage to others and helping them briety and sanity-love, recogni- out of the shadows of unreality tion, and a sense of belonging. into the bright sunlight where That’s what it means to get out shadows have faces . . friendly. of prison–whatever the barriers facer;. are between any alcoholic and love. T.W., Los Padres, Calif. Brl. note: We’rie rerently l f ~ ~ r n e d the c~ulhorhas left thc prison tctalls behind that him nnd is doing u~ellin elvrj’ way.

January 1958

guilt and shame. I thought of the how I could get there finally, and five years I had been dry and could cajoled a bartender friend of mine see it all vanish. into buying me a plane ticket. I Three hours passed before I took spent six hours in my room atanother drink … that was some- tempting to look “right” so I could thing I never could have done be- board the plane, and at nine o’clock fore–three hours between drinks– at night I presented myself a t the The Hard Way and then I took the second one. My shame and remorse doubled, ticket office to board the bus for Newark Airport. I made it to the and I found the excuse all alco- airport and at last boarded the holics seek. The time between plane. drinks kept getting shorter and I had never been in a plane beshorter, until finally I was drink- fore, and in my whiskey-soaked coning them one after another in an dition I became terribly scared attempt to reach a state of forget- when the door was closed and we fullness. Only this way could I started down the runway. I started I HAVE BEEN AN ALCOHOLIC for the group and volunteered my services forget the terrible thing I had done to shake and only the darkness past twenty years, most of which . . . I spent seven nights a week at -and before long I was at the point protected me from the gaze of other I have spent in penal institutions an AA meeting or gathering. where nothing mattered. Naturally passengers. I would have given anyas a result of crimes committed for All during this time the thought I did not return to work . . . I did thing in the world to have been money to satisfy a craving for remained in my mind that perhaps not report to my parole officer .. . able to get off that plane! liquor. ~ f $ ra six-year prison term, I wasn’t an a!coholic and, if such everything I had gained in five I suffered the tortures of hell on during which time I became ac- was the case, I was depriving my- years was discarded! the trip to Washington, where we . quainted with AA, I returned to self of the companionship and en- For eight days I drank constantly had a fifteen minute stop, and there New York City. joyment I had always found in in New York City. During this I made my way to the airport build- ‘

I was very surprised to note that bars. I argued and debated the time I became sick from not eating. ing and wired my sister to meet the I had no desire to drink on my first question at meetings as to whether I moved to a hotel and my life de- plane as I was very sick and in day of freedom, and my first night or not an alcoholic could be cured. pended on the short walk from the trouble. I managed to buy a pint of in New York was spent at an AA All the answers were the same: hotel to the bar on the corner. I liquor from a porter and believed meeting. I resolved to go all the “Once an alcoholic always an al- sat at the bar all day and at night that I would be all right now. way with AA because I realized it coholic.” But deep down inside my- staggered to my room with cans of Upon leaving Washington and was my only salvation from a life self I knew I wasn’t satisfied. beer, to spend the dark hours in after a drink or two, I became of misery and pain, and I can hon- This thought began to plague endless torment and agony, waiting deathly sick. . . . The stewwdess estly say that the first thirty days me. I lay awake nights thinking for morning and the opening of the thought I was airsick and a t the of freedom from prison and alcohol of it and finally came to the con- bars. next stop–Atlanta–she and the were the happiest and proudest clusion that there was only one In my befuddled mind, I knew pilot asked me whether I would days I have ever spent. thing to do–try it and see what that I was very sick and I thought care to stop over at a hotel and I got a job within s few days, happened. I toyed with the idea for relative I have left. I knew she resume the’ trip in daylight. I and my hours were spent working three days, and then took that first would take care of me–but she talked them into letting me con- ‘ during the day ‘ and attending AA drink. I will never forget it . . . I was so far away. I began to plan tinue, and we took, off on the last meetings a t nigh$ I joined an AA immediately felt a strong sense of of my sister in Florida, the only lap to Florida. J&t after leaving

Atlanta I went into the DTs and coholics, I was then taken into imagined the plane was going to custody by the U. S. marshal and crash. I staggered to the door and returned to prison. . began tearing at it . . two passen- I know that I am an alcoholic. gers and the stewardess grabbed me I have discovered that only through and returned me to my seat. The AA can I find the “curep’-the compilot came back and gave me two mon problem and the associations pills, which knocked me out. and fellowship are the only medi- Sometime in the afternoon of that cines that can keep me from talung day I awoke in the alcoholic ward that first drink, the one that leads of a general hospital, strapped to to misery and despair. The lesson the bed-glucose running into my is a hard one, but through it I have vein-and my sister standing by learned the true value of AA to me. my side. After five days of going John A. J., Inside-Outers Group through the usual treatment for al- U.S. Penitentiary, Atlanta, Ga.

February 1 9 5 8

I’ll Show Him! SEVERAL YEARS AGO I took on the what AA can really do? I guess job of getting one of our members God was with me, for the man off the hook with the local Judge. heard me out. If Dora drew thirty days again, I told him my story and said I it would automatically put her into was convinced that Dora too could a mental institution. find a way to throw away her drink- Because she was the mother of ing through AA. I further assured four children, I wanted to do some- him that I personally would try and thing. So, I put on my best, newly- help her. pressed suit and a white shirt, went The Judge thought a minute and to extra special trouble to have my then he replied, “I have heard of tie straight and my shoes highly your wonderful work, but this is polished, and set out for City Hall my first meeting with one of you. to see the Judge, and to show him Now, what do you suggest we do what AA had done for me. with Dora?” I stopped by the booking desk . I was overwhelmed . . to me it to see what other charges besides looked like he was making a judge the usual drunk charge Dora had. out of me! I asked him if it was The desk sergeant was very co- possible to forego any trial on Dora operative but explained to me that and just hold her in the local jail he didn’t see how I could help her for a few days until she got over because in his estimation she had her resentment a t being thrown in used up all of her chances. He the jug, and not to let her out unshowed me where her name was less some AA member was there on the police books at least once to pick her up. on every page as far back as he In just so many words he said, could trace, excepting the time “She will be released whenever you spent in the jails and institutions. want to take her out, and I wish With hope somewhat shattered I you the best of luck in your wonwent upstairs to the Judge’s cham- derful work.” bers, praying all the way to his He did not have to see .. . he door. His secretary marched me sensed the sincerity of our fellowinside and with her introduction ship as it is demonstrated in our the balance of my hope faded. striving to help another alcoholic He was blind. who still suffers. Now, how was I to show him L. M., Fort Bragg, Calif.

March 1 9 5 8

Report From Canada

I HAD INTENDED writing you sooner tions, probation officers and A h . about the visit here of Warden Duf- Saturday night around forty AA fy. His visit and the talks he gave members and their wives were at the will do much to stimulate interest second banquet, and DdTy again in institutional work in this part of held us in rapt attention. His hu- British Columbia, I think. . . . man-ness and the fact that he is sin- While here the Warden attended cerely and honestly interested in the two banquets, took part in the Peni- men under his charge seemed to be tentiary Christmas party, addressed woven throughout his address. Suna public meeting-and was made an day night he talked to a public meethonorary Chief of the Squarnish In- ing in one of our suburban theatres. dians. You people a t Headquarters, Estimates of attendance ran up to I feel sure, know his message: the 600. This meeting was chaired by great success that has attended AA British Columbia’s provincial mineffortsin prisons and hospitals, how ister of health and welfare, The it came about and the need for a fol- Hon. Eric Martin. low-up program after the alcoholic I am anxious to see the establishis released. ment of a concrete follow-up pro- The first banquet Warden Duffy gram for the men and women corntalked at was attended by wardens ing out of our institutions; the of the three penal institutions in this establishment of a women’s inmate part of B.C., a representative of the group in our provincial jail; and a Vancouver city police who is keenly much closer relationship established interested in Warden Duffy and his among the various institutional work, padres of the penal institu- groups. Bill S., Vancouver, B. C.

April 1 9 5 8 J, ‘

HELPING HANDS

OUTSIDE AA Activities and developments outside AA in the field of alcoholism … a news report.

ALCOHOLICS UNIT HELPED 214 DRUNKS LAST YEAR

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS at Munici- just a tiny drop in the bucket of the rehabilitation of alcoholics.” within the Court, said Mr. Conner. pal Court reported success with 214 40,000 drunks who passed through The Municipal Court of the Dis- He praised Chief Judge Leonard P. drunks during the last year [ac- the Court last year. But he says the trict is the only Court in the coun- Walsh for help in promoting the cording to the Washington, D. C. AA-guided drunks get an unusual try where an AA group operates work of AA at Court. Star]. amount of individual attention from Judges at Municipal Court re- AA friends and probation officers. ferred 243 drunks on probation to “Since the inception of Alcoholics AA during the year ending June 30. Anonymous in this Court over Of those, 214 finished their proba- eleven years ago we have operated tion or started on the path to sober in the realm of a creative minority living, AA reported. and we humbly maintain that posi- The AA group meets every Sat- tion as we continue to expand and urday morning in an empty room grow to a degree that is very rea t the Police Court and holds regu- warding in terms of salvaging the lar classes Monday evenings in the lives of a segment of society that Civil Court building. Fifty to sev- has been classified and reclassified enty-five drunks and ex-drunks at- by well-meaning individuals and ortend the Saturday or Monday meet- ganizations,” Mr. Conner said. ings. Since the AA group was “The fact remains, and the proof started eleven years ago a t tho is in the h a 1 results, that the sim- Court, about 1,500 have shed their ple program of AA is the answer to alcoholic past. the problem of a greater number of Robert J. Conner, Sr., assistant alcoholics than the answer drawn director of probation at Municipal from the combined efforts of all Court, admits that AA’s success is those interested in contributing to

April 1 9 5 8

Sharing Means Belonging

ple call a “static” situation. (Trans- doesn’t understand your alcoholic MY NAME IS BILL M., and I am an boy of twenty, I had an experience lation: neither side moves. You just problem. Neither do your parents alcoholic. q have been a member of I have never forgotten. I don’t think stand still and shoot at each other.) or your friends unless they are al- AA for about ten years. I joined anybody could forget it. I spent We were out of touch with the coholics too. But in this AA felthe group a t Leavenworth, Kansas, sixteen months on Death Row in rcst of the world-catching a lot of lowship, this brotherhood of men which is a prison fellowship like San Quentin Prison. About twenty- artillery and mortar fire and sweat- and women who have learned to our Folsom group here. three men were there during the ing it out. My buddies were just a substitute the Twelve Steps for the Friends of mine at Leavenworth time 1 was, and we were bound lot of dirty-faced, scared GIs like oblivion of drunkenness, you will used to ask me-when I attended together by a common sentence: me. Hut we depended on each other, find the compassion and the underthe AA meetings there on Sundays, death. Most of them were executed and I had compassion for them and standing you need to make a sucinstead of going to the Yard-“Bill, in one way or another, either by they had the same for me. I was cess of this new way of life. why do you attend those meetings? hanging or in the new gas chamber, suffering with them. I had a feeling Alcoholism is a matter of life and I can understand why a man with and I hated to see them go that of belonging lo them. We shared a death for us. We have an incurable an alcoholic problem would attend way. 1 had come to understand common danger. disease. We can arrest it through such a group on the outside. But them, because I was one of them, I never experienced those feelings AA, but make no mistake: it can’t why here in prison?” and I had compassion for them. of compassion and sympathy, un- be cured. That is why we have com- My reply was always the same: I had the same feelings of sym- derstanding and insight, anywhere passion and understanding for each “The AA program is a program for pathy cnd understanding and com- else in the world until I walked into other in this fellowship, this AA sober people who want to stay sober. passion a few years later in a fox- an AA meeting at Leavenworth. brotherhood. We understand each It doesn’t work for drunks. Only hole outside of Hagenau, France, This AA fellowship will give you other and our common danger. sober drunks. And I get something where my infantry company was something you can’t find anywhere Bill M., Folsom Group, else there. Something I feel.” dug in along the edge of a forest. else. Your wife loves you, but she Represa, Calif. Twenty years ago, when I was a We were in what the military peo-

May 1 9 5 8

fiance of a Moslem world where haps we can take one glance at his alcohol is taboo. He remained in his works to show he was a true alcocups until he died-well past the holic. Here is evidence that he reaage of seventy. To this day he is re- lized he should not drink, that he membered as a drunken poet instead knew he was ruining his reputation,. of the great scientist he also was. that he had sworn he would stay His name was Hakim Omar Khay- off the jug many times, that he did yam, Omar- the- tent-maker. And stay dry for short periods of ,time,. people who know nothing of the that he always fell off the wagonman himself recognize his verses. and that he really didn’t mind too These four lines are well known in much : The Master Drunk both literary and drinking circles: A ~ o o kof Verses underneath the Indeed the ~dolsI have loved so long Have done my credit in this world much wrong: ~ough. A~ u gof wine, a oaf of read-and Have drown’d my dory in a shal- ~hou low cup, (Ed. not-The following i s “lifted,” with thanks, from “The Islander,” published by inmates Beside me singing in the wilder- And sold my ~eputationfor a Song. a t the Terminal Island Federal Correctional Institution, San Pedro, Calif. Its subject matter ness- Indeed, indeed Repentance oft bewas news to us, end we pass it along without further comment or investigation.) Oh. wilderness were Paradise enow! fore Apparently a jug of wine could I swore–but was I sober when I swore? IN THE YEAR 446 of the Moslem world was wrong and he was right. transform a wilderness into para- And then-and then came spring, calendar, there was a man born des- Eight hundred years of history has dise for Omar. and ~ose-in-hand tined to bedme one of the most proven it so. He was the greatest Alcoholics, read the Rubaiyat of My threadbare penitence apieces thinker of his generation; he offered tore. notable drunks in all recorded his- Omar Khayyam!!! In those pages And much as wine has play’d the tory. From a humble origin he rose the world knowledge centuries ahead you will find a kindred spirit. But ~nfidel. a t an early age to a position of im- of the times; but, because this knowl- be warned-such writings are dan- And robb’d me of my ~ o b e of portance in his land. He became the edge conflicted with the beliefs of gerous. Those verses contain the ~onour-well, I wonder often what the vintners leading scientist of his time, a math- the vested interests of the day, he mental distress, disillusion, and buy ematician, astronomer, philosbpher was destroyed. They burned his despair which kept Omar in his cups One half so precious as the stuff and writer. He devised a calendar books, burned his observatory, de- they sell. for thirty years. A teetotaler might correct to within a few seconds a stroyed his calendar and exiled him also be persuaded to chuck every- And these two lines illustrate the year. He was companion and ad- from the Academies of Learning of thing and run to the nearest bar. age-old effort to drown one’s visor to the king and his court. For Islam. (Even now he is a hero with- Still, through the alcoholic haze troubles in drink: twenty-five years he was an hon- out fame in his own country, being comes a glimmer of hope, penetrat- Ah, my beloved, fill the cup that ored scholar called a “Master” better know in the Western world clears ing observations on life, death, tho TO-DAY of past Regrets and future wherever he traveled . . . yet he than in the East.) hereafter, religion, science, kings, Fears. spent the last thirty years of his life At this point he divorced himself peasants, riches, poverty and God. Do these 800-year-old thoughts as a rum-pot vagabond, scribbling from both science and orthodox re- w Omar understood Him-or should sound familiar to you? Too bad poems for the price of a drink. Why? ligion and gave himself over to seri- we say, God as he could not quite Omar was born 900 years before his How often does an alcoholic (and ous drinking. His plunge into the understand Him. time. Too bad he died 800 years be- others) feel that it’s the world that wine cup was a deliberate with- Because our space is limited you fore AA. Or is it? Read his Rubaiis all wrong instead of himself? In drawal from the world which had will have to read those things for yat and decide for yourself if it is this story it was literally true. The turned against him. I t was in de- yourself in the Rubaiyat. But per- worth the price paid for it.

May 1 9 5 8

THERAPEUTIC EYE OPENER I A M WRITING these few lines to let mix with other people. No group, you know what I think of the in- in my stay here at Atascadem State stitutional group who come here to Hospital, has contributed more to visit with us. I for one will be back ease our minds, give understanding, in court within the next week or so, and help us toward being happy, and have observed you people since so that we can better withstand this was started at the hospital. I the storms of life. may sound rather serious, however You people seem to have a simithis is the way I feel. lar interest and always enjoy your Your corning here is essentially brief stay. We always wish it could a change of pace for us, well out- be longer. The AA you bring to us side the radius of our daily activity. is an absolute necessity for curing You affect us directly through the the many wounds of our lives, or impression we get of you, probably preventing them. In short it helps through so-called sympathetic un- to preserve the vigor of our minds derstanding, and you affect us in- and bodies, our health and well directly by your thoughts and ac- being. tions. I have received one of the greatest With these visits of the institu- therapeutic eye openers by being a tional group our final mental make- member of AA here at this hospital, up is the result of the fertilization by using the Twelve Steps to exof what you folks bring us. Behind amine myself, and by finding out every face there is a man. that in living one day at a time I Most of the intelligent men here can conquer my misleading ways. try to rid themselves of an inner The institutional group, to me, lack by taking active steps. They has made the world a better place to live in than I found it. Of that I am sure. R. W.F., Atascadero State Hospital, California

J u l y 1958

took a good bit of the rest of the true story is that, although I could boys’ time pulling me out of jack- fool most people, I couldn’t fool pots. But I fought the war a great myself. By being dishonest with many times after it was all over and myself and by believing it was posthe booze really flowed for a while. sible at last to manage my own life, Eventually, however, people get I am once again proving that it is tired of the same old line and the absolutely impossible for me to surdrinks quit coming. I had to make vive on my own. This time, howa move and, since working for a ever, there is a difference. Prison Seemed Worth living didn’t seem right (didn’t Upon entering this institution I ‘ leave enough time for drinking), immediately went to AA voluntarthere was only one thing left to do: ily, for the purpose of giving this I did it, and thereby earned the fellowship an honest try. The help nickname, “Out again, in again I received from the group as a Finnegan.” Someone told me I had whole has been terrific, as well as an alcoholic problem, but I figured, the help of the great guys who have DURINGTHE YEARS from 1935 to While incarcerated my chicaf you meet those goofs every day. taken the time to come here with 1940 I was in and out of prison so thoughts were of the day to come My one and only friend came to messages of hope. Equally impormany times for drunkenness and when I would be free to drink and me one day and said, “Bill, you are tant, through the power of example, petty theft that half of the time enjoy myself again. Never again lonesome and that is why you drink I am able to make some progress in most dT the other inmates didn’t would I be so stupid as to leave the so much. Get a good dog and you the program and am slowly growing know that I had gone out; they way open to prosecution. I was go- will have something to care for and UP. thought it was the same sentence. ing to be a real smart guy and the understand.” So I bought a dog but I would like to end this by saying By this time I had reached the devil take the hindmost. Thus he didn’t seem to understand me. t h a t I am finally working and, point where paying the price no armed, I sallied forth upon my re- When he wouldn’t drink with me I although the tax collectors won’t longer mattered. As long as I could lease to prove to myself and the got mad .and quit feeding him. He receive much revenue from my efstay drunk while outside, it was world at large how hep I really was. got disgusted and left; I got drunk fort, they will have to understand possible to sweat it out inside. Didn’t I now have the benefit of and disgusting. that I am not working for money This may sound like the phan- experience? Now I know the score. Returning to my o!d habits, I but for my sanity. The only way I tasy of someone in a straight- I couldn’t miss. I did but again the made enough money to drink on. can stay sane and lead a contented, jacket and padded cell combined, judge didn’t. Upon my release my When we play we have to pay, so sober and normal life is by working but I assure you it is true. Though attitude changed for the worse. Re- I went on paying. Finally, after hard, by reading lots of AA litera- I hesitate to say so, it is my own sentments were many, friends few twenty-six years of signing release ture, attending all meetings, asking personal story; you yourself decide and, to make matters worsc, the papers and being lectured by ward- lots of questions and, above all, by how much I need AA. My story magistrates became less understand- ens and superintendents, I at last being honest with myself and my started when, at the age of sixteen, ing. came to AA. Higher Power. while under the influence of the So it went until one day a neigh- It would be nice to say that all Bill C., Aurora News, grape, I decided money was easy to bor told me that I was a bum with the nonsense ended here, but the Ontario. Canada get without working for it (it was). no guts. I fixed him by joining the So were the two years the magis- Army. Why they accepted my sertrate gave me. vices I’ll never know. It usually

July 1958

neither did I. I had never attended meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous a jail meeting before. On the first . . . we usually open and close our Sunday the head turnkey wanted meetings with a prayer, so Joe, will to know who we wanted to attend you open please?Then we read How To Start A Jail Group the meeting. We said that we were the “Definition of AA,” tell them particularly interested in the ones that we are not a bunch of reformers who were in on a drunk or drinking but that we do have a spiritual side charge, and his answer was, “We to our program. Next the chairman only have one at the present time calls on an AA and asks him if he on this charge.” (Boy, we felt will talk a little on his drinking pretty low about this time.) problem and the AA program and We felt sure there were a lot he does in approximately eight to FOR THOSE WHO WOUID LIKE to that each group would be present more with the problem so we sug- ten minutes. Every AA member is start a jail group I sincerely hope about every five or six weeks. gested that he have one of his of- given a turn at the meeting the this will be of help. . . . First we Because of some opposition about ficers go around to the cells and ask same way. We ask: “Are there any wrote to Governor of jails for starting this jail group it hasn’t if anyone wanted to attend an AA questions on this AA program? And Ontario and received permission to quite worked that way. . . . I have meeting. He said that they all don’t worry about the man next to hold meetings in the Kent County had to make a lot of telephone calls would probably come–just for the you-if you get drunk he isn’t the Jail in Chatham, Ontario. Second, to get members to attend; I have laughs and to get out of their cells one who is going to sufler all the I called an intergroup meeting in held meetings alone, on the open for an hour. We explained we didn’t hell, the DTS, the sanitarium or the Ridgetown of all the groups in the meeting personal story style; we care what they came for-if they grave.” surrounding area; seven I believe have had some held like a closed had a drinking problem maybe We tell them there is every class were represented. At this intergroup meeting, giving our interpretation some of ehis would rub off. Then he of person, from guys off of skid row meeting I acted as chairman. We of the Twelve Steps; and we have offered a Anal objection: “There are to high men of society and there is decided that one man should be had up to eight AAs a t one meet- a lot of young guys in there who no barrier of race, creed or religion present at each meeting, taking ing. I really believe that a meeting have never had a drink”–and to to alcoholism. We explain that it is a along four new men each time so must be held every week regardless this we replied that maybe some disease. Then we ask again-if that the inmates would get to know of whether there are one, two, or day they might need it and that AA there are any questions . . . if not ‘ one fellow and not meet an entirely more AAs present. (I might add it’s is open to anyone who cares to we read off the meeting places and different bunch of strangers at each paying off very well in my own come. times (one for every night of the mccting. I was the lucky guy voted sobriety.) Between twenty and twenty-five week) and also other jail groups in to go each Sunday for a time. At We held our first meeting in inmates came to our first meeting. which they go from this county this intergroup meeting we also rle- January of 1957. The head turnkey We had very good attention-no jail. If there is nothing else we say cidctl that mch of the seven groups didn’t take very well to the starting laughter, unless an AA told a that we will rise and close in the would take turns sending four mem- of an AA meeting in his jail-he smoothy, and no smartness from any usual manner with the Lord’s bers with me to the meetings, so didn’t know what to expect, and inmate. Since then the head turnkey Prayer. has gradually become most coopera- When the meeting is over we go tive with our movement. around and shake hands with the We conduct our meetings along inmates one and all. Believe me we these lines: At the beginning the have some pretty warm hand shakes chairman explains: “This is another -some as wet as if they’d had the

hand in a pail of water. Some of this program and then he is either them say “thanks” and others say moved on or let out. I am sorry to “We’ll see you next week.” say that we have no follow-up. I write to those I think want this In general, we just try to keep program when they go on to a it simple and work on the first three penitentiary or reformatory and it steps. We have no way of knowing is rewarding to see them get honest how many come into AA as a result and find hope through this AA pro- of these meetings . . . and we also gram. The part that kind of gets me see quite a few former AAs in there, is that you just get to know a guy which is a reminder to us. . and you can feel him warming up to Hugh H., Blenheim, Ontario

August 1958

Acceptance of Ex-Inmates

from an AA prison to say here that A A actually found A member about LETTER to be released on me. A small group of men, making parole was published, in part, in up the North Baton Rouge Group the April AA Exchange Bulletin in Louisiana, have been working from GSO. The member was puz- diligently for five or six years tozled by a lack of response from the ward carrying the A A message to groups in the area where he ex- inmates of the aforementioned inpected to live and so he wrote to stitution. GSO for guidance: “I have writ- I was released from thnt institen groups in the area where tution over a year ago. I lorrnd I shall be and there is less than while incarcerated and have found a warm reception. Maybe I expect while on parole the finest, rcwmest too much. Maybe I just don’t friends I haue ever known in my realize I’m a convicted felon and thirty-eight years. Let me hastrn must face rebuff. I know all people to add that, to my knowledge, there do not accept ex-cons but I do is not one single exception lo this know mahy have open minds and opinion. I would like to interject will be understanding enough if I one more thought, particulurly for participate.” inmates. The AA program offrrs The following letter was recently but one single thing: sobriety. received a t GSO and i t is such Terrill M.R., Baton Rougr, IAI. heartwarming proof of the reality We would also like to quote from of the original writer’s last Sentence one of the delegates to the General that we wanted to share it with our Service Conference who, in writreaders both “in” and “out” of ing a report to the Conference prison. Secretary, said: “No ex-con can April 17, 1958 ever tell me they won’t be accepted. Dearest Ann, I know better as I have been ac- I am writing about the column cepted every place that I go–even in the April Exchange Bulletin per- the so-called “white collar” or taining to “cool rebuffs” of outside “high class” groups. That is wh:it A A toward an ex-inmate of a penal some of the boys call them, Imt institution. to me they are just another group May I , as an ex-inmate of the of AAs of this wonderful fellow- Louisiana State Prison, offer this ship which God has given us counterpoint. I found A A in prison; drunks. . . .” or I suppose it would seem better (Staff article)

August 1 9 5 8

NEWS FROM UP NORTH We are very grateful for this prog- T posedFar ofNorth HE Group is cominmates incarcerated ress, and have expressed our sincere in the Federal Prison Camp lo- thanks to the Administrative Staff cated just outside of Anchorage, for their trust in us. The men who Alaska. Although we believe that have already had the chance to atmost of the men serving time here tend these meetings are really seeare alcoholics, we are sorry to re- ing that this program is for men Iatt. that our growth is very slow. and women everywhereand that Undoubtedly, the main reason for it works. this is that most inmates are serv- We are confident that in a short ing very short misdemeanor sen- time the favorable results of such tences resulting in a comparatively a program will be evident to the rapid turnover of prisoners. staff. We hope that the privilege However small we may be in grarited to us will someday be nurnbrrs, our recovery percentage available to all institutional AA is really splendid. Members from groups. The men seem to gain so Anchorage groups regularly attend much from the downtown meetings, our weekly Open Meeting and they and it should be a big help in makreport enthusiastically on the activ- ing the transition from life on the ities of our graduates. Naturally inside to freedom once again. We this lends fine support and encour- would be happy to send further deagement to those of us still await- tails on this program to anyone ing release. who is interested. The big news that we hasten to Vic, Far North Group give you is that members of this Anchorage, Alaska group with only a short time left to serve were recently given the wonderful opportunity to attend the Saturday night meeting in downtown Anchorage. You can easily realize the resultant inspiration and enthusiasm from such a privilege.

September 1 9 5 8

low prisoner whom I had known Eventually, burnt out from conoutside and had drunk with several sumption of a quart or more a day, times told me what A A had done I could no longer work and ran out for him. It had erased the hatred of money. I began writing checks he had felt toward society and on a bank where I had no funds. toward the ones who had caused This began as a one-time venture, his trouble. He had come face-to- but the following day I ran out of face with his problem and was liquor a n d wrote another, then fighting for his future. From where another. Finally realizing what the The I stood it looked as if he was going to win, too. consequences would be, I left town. From that time on it was checks Here was finally a chance for . . . every time I was drinking and Big me. Maybe through this movement I might regain my equilibrium and r a n o u t of money. Didn’t t h a t sound as if I needed whatever help lay the groundwork for a new start I might get from AA? in life. I approached my counselor My counselor sent me to the Magic about joining AA. group therapist, Mr. J. D. J. was “Are you an alcoholic?” he also our AA sponsor. I had a long asked. “I don’t see any arrests for talk with him. He seemed to rea- Drunk and Disorderly, on your lize almost at once that mine was a record, or anything else to convince drinking problem. He gave me some me that you need this therapy.” tests, checked my institutional rec- I patiently explained to him that ord and started me in a beginners’ Tthat a isperson HERE no doubt in my mind of my youth: church, lodge activiwho enters prison ties, movies and many of the pleas- I needed help if anyone ever did. I wasn’t sure that this was a soluclass. Luckily, at the first meeting I atfor the first time is temporarily be- ures I had once enjoyed. I had beyond constructive help. I know I come a drunk! I had even lost my tion to my problem but I had nevrr tended we had speakers from outwas and I have talked ‘to many family through this trouble and gotten i n t o a n y trouble sober. side. One of these was an exothers who felt the same way. It was facing i t alone. I felt that Every check I had ever written had inmate who had served several senjust seems the world has come to nothing could benefit me and- been for booze or for a relative rca- tences for assault when drunk. He . an end . . and it has! Friends who feeling that way-it couldn’t. son. Drinking had separated me from talked my language. He also made it very plain that AA could help can understand human weaknesses When I arrived at Southern that caused us to err are few and Michigan’s State Prison I talked to my wife. It had lost me every good anyone who would let it. He made far between. The ensuing months psychiatrists and psychologists. job I’d ever had, led me into hos- it all sound logical and suggested and years relieve even these friends They all admitted I had a prob- pitals, finally been the cause of a we should turn to a higher power of this understanding. Correspond- lem. I knew that! However, they perforated duodenal ulcer. This for help in avoiding a future that ence dwindles, friends lose interest offered no advice o n what to do had slowed me down for a year, read like our past. I t was very and we are on our own. What goes about this problem. Apparently during which I gained a little plain to see that he was no pantythrough one’s mind when this hap- they felt I was beyond help and ground. I got a good job and waist; so if he felt this way, why pens? that incarceration was the only so- acquired a new wife, who also liked shouldn’t I? Any reservations I In my particular case, I had lution. to drink. had were disposed of after listening fallen away from the associations Then I heard about AA. A fel- Then I began all over again. to him. I’ll always have a soft place

in my heart for this fellow. He deep-thinking and there aren’t too h e l p e d m e m a k e a n about-face many of either of these. that’s important in my life. We met with jeers and dissen- I t had been several years since sion when we suggested a higher I’d been inside a church. God had power. Who were w e s e l f -chosen lost His personal relationship with disciples or something? This lead me over the years. I had become us to defend the AA principles. T o self-reliant, so I claimed. At first meet arguments like these, one has I didn’t put much value on the spir- to think. Thought leads to convicitual part of the program. I ac- tions; these lead to the Higher cepted the fellowship and worked Power and, by His own promisrs, on it from that angle. I had long “seek, and ye shall find; knock, and ago made personal inventory and it shall be opened to you.” found myself wanting in many re- I t was only a matter of time t ~ e spects. However, now I decided to fore I began going to church. I was admit my defects to another mem- amazed that I had ever thrust aside ber, as recommended. This is part this solace. What else can a man of the magic of the program. find in prison that will allow for Almost immediately I felt differ- more peace of mind than that he ent. The fellow I had chosen, nat- has a real Friend available? How urally, w ; f ~one I respected: a nurse else can a twisted, scornful, m.‘1I PVwith whom I was working in quar- olent personality be brought to acantine. We spent many hours talk- cept a doctrine of love? ing AA. We talked to other fel- I don’t believe there has ever lows who had similar problems and been another method of helping so we b e c a m e real enthusiasts to- many men in prison as the AA progether. Then came the big magic gram. Men may come to the meetof the program. ings tongue in cheek. Some of what Since all but five of the Twelve they hear may go in one car and Steps deal with the spiritual part out the other. Some may attend of the program, it’s almost impos- for months and not really get the sible to discuss AA without the program, but I doubt that any alhigher power being brought into coholic can be exposed to this mathe discussion. In prison, especial- gic over a period of a year without ly in quarantine, men aren’t very a lot of it rubbing off on him. I amenable toward the concept of a feel sure that if nothing else ocloving God. For a man to realize curs, he will never again be at)lc to in the first few days of his incar- enjoy a drunk-and even this is a ceration that he deserves his lot, he beginning. must either be stupid or really A. M . , Jaclison. hlichigrtn

March 1959

and thus we must make a right- biturates and benzedrine have a way about-face, mentally, morally and of getting inside the prison’s gates. spiritually. It has been the experience here that : I t is a good deal like the story seldom if ever is a member of AA’ of a little old woman in Vermont. arrested within the institution for One cold winter night she found being drunk on drugs she did not have even a loaf of How many AAs slip and are re-

A GOOD GRIPE bread in the house. So she knelt turned for parole violation? There before the fireplace and began to are no actual figures as to the numpray for bread. Several youngsters ber of men and women who have who were out playing in the snow contacted AA in prison and have reheard the old lady’s prayers. They turned because of alcoholism. True, talked the situation over and de- from time to time, men do return. cided to have some fun. They got But in civilian groups, you also have a loaf of bread, climbed up on the slippees. A man or woman, leaving roof and let the bread down on a prison has two strikes against him string into the fireless fireplace. o r h e r already. As alcoholics The old lady at once began to a n d ex-convicts, they h a v e a

I HAVE a gripe and a good one. belonged to AA only to slip again, Recently in our Group at the and are returned for a parole vio- Massachusetts Correctional In- lation? Fourth, how many ex-constitution (State Prison) some guy victs who found the program behind thank God for the bread. The boys tolerated this about as long as they could, and then one of them boldly knocked at the door. twofold adjustment to make. Crimes have long shadows.’Certainly it is bad enough to realize you are an alcoholic, and then do something came up with the words “Penal prison walls make good and live the “God didn’t send you that bread, about it, without having the addi- Alcoholics Anonymous.” As a mem- program on the outside? These four old woman,” one of the boys said. tional weight of being an ex-convict ber of AA who attempts through questions are good enough for a “We let it down on a string into hanging on your neck. the grace of God to live the pro- startef. your fireplace.” How many AAs from here make gram, I chalked this remark up Is AA needed in penal jnstitu- “Well,” the little old lady said, good on the outside? Many men and to the speaker’s own opinion. Live tions? The answer to that is a re- “I don’t care if the devil did bring women who found their AA in prisand Let Live. But when this speak- sounding yes. Under a modem, it; God sent it.” With that she on do make good on the outside. er stated, “Most inmate in penal progressive penal administration, closed the door and ate the bread. They attend AA meetings and by institutions attend AA meetings to such as we are fortunate enough to If a person in prison on the AA God’s grace have again found a make an impression on the Parole have, we need the AA program. If program is sincere it mak& no dif- place in society as respected citi- Board,” that was too much for me! it was booze that got us in here in ference to him where he found his zens. These are not the ex-convicts I began to mull this over in my the first place, certainly the funda- AA. The thing that does matter is who make the headlines of our daily mind. And I came up with a few mental principles of Alcoholics that he does receive it. newspapers. You do not very often questions. First, is AA needed in Anonymous are the correct steps Of what value is AA in prison hear any more about them. But they penal institutions? Second, if so, of towards our rehabilitation. \AA since a drunk can’t get a drink? are there and to the men and women what value is it when a drunk can’t states: “Came to believe that a A person can become intoxicated still in prison they serve as a chalget a drink even if he wants one? Power greater than ourselves could on things other than booze. No mat- lenge to a new way of life. If they Third, how many men and women restore us to sanity.” I t was a form ter how secure a maximum security can do it, we can. leave penal institutions, who have ‘of insanity which brought us here, institution is, from time to time bar- To sum this up, there is no such

thing a s penal AA. Alcoholics This is not for us .to judge, how- Anonymous is just what it means, ever, for it is not up to us to take in prison or out. But I venture to another person’s moral inventory. state that it takes more guts and I do know that the members more of the grace of God to live of our group are grateful to the the AA program inside a penal in- administration here and to the stitution than it does on the out- many AA groups who come here, side. For here we cannot remain either to hold meetings or as our anonymous. The members of a guests. This may be a bold statepenal group know each other and, ment, but if AA in prison keeps for that matter, so do the other in- even the minority of released in- .mates who do not belong to AA. mates on the right path of sobriety But what is more important, we it is doing the work, with God’s know who is sincere and who isn’t. grace, that the founders of this We know almost to a man who is wonderful organization intended it attempting to impress the Parole to. Board and who will be returned. Ray S., South Walpole, Mass.

August 1959

LEND A H A N D

has three groups and B OISE each one sends members to visit the East Boise Penitentiary meetings. The meetings are rotated among us, and one member is designated to see that there are members attending these Penitentiary meetings. We also do this for the meeting at the Veterans’ Hospital each week and this has proven a good way to help these groups, as well as ourselves. I would like to suggest that all groups everywhere could help these penal and hospital meetings by sending Grapevine subscriptions to these members. Also, each subscriber could save their old issues and deliver or send them to these AA Groups. Yours for bigger and better AA! J.D.C., Group No. 2, Boise, Idaho

September 1959

YOU NEVER KNOW UST about eight years ago, my you remember who I am, Pett?”

J dinner was interrupted by a I hesitated for a few seconds and phone call from the local Jus- replied, “Well, there’s something tice of the Peace. The conversation vaguely familiar about that scar went something like this: on your face.” “Hello, Pete! I have a n awful “I’m Danny M., the guy you got nice young Irishman in jail here, out of jail eight years ago.” and I thought you might help him He told me he had been all ovcr out. He has two faults-he drinks the country, including skid rows in too much, and he gets into fights several of our Irrrgrr citiw. On(. with policemen. Do you think you day whrn he was taking a ptrsoti,~l can do something for him?” inventory out on the Coast, a f t c ~ I replied that either problem was a bad binge, his thoughts rcvtd(d a serious one, and perhaps if we back to me and AA. “Could that could help him with his drinking guy still be sober after all thescb problem, the other one would take years?’ he wonderrd. Hc decidcd care of itself. to find out, so he worktd his way I finished my dinner and headed back t o I’ittsburgh, hoping to find for the local bastille, where I met me, but not believing it possible Danny M. for the first time. H c that I could still be a nicvnbcr of certainly was a sad sight. His AA in good standing. bleary eyes peered through a badly Naturally, I was hnppy to find cut and swollen face. The Justice him, and he was happy to find mch. released the young twenty-five year Danny is working now with thirty old Irishman into my custody. I days of a new life behind him, ;I took him to a doctor friend who very happy new life. managed to sew up the worst of Not all of our seeds l ) t ~ ~ r fruit, the cuts. For two or three weeks but this experitwccl has cc>riainly Danny attended meetings with me, proved to mcl that you must k w l ) and ththn Iic just dropped out ~ , f planting since results may not 1 ~ . sight. immediate- some scuds hi~vc to Four weeks ago a t my regular fight their way through n h c w y group niccting, a handsome young growth of weeds before they bcw fellow came u p to me and said, “Do fruit. Pet<>W. Pit I s I ~ u ~ ~ I lI’,i ~ .

November 1959

o siree, I don’t think I’ll ever N forget the day Willie slipped. It’s stuck with me for several years now and every time I hear of But after six months Willie began to get ideas. He decided that certain low types-in brief, laborers, men who were uncouth enough to some member having-well, if you have to work with their handslike it better-a relapse, I think should be segregated to a group of Willie. of their own. Then he started to What really decided me on re- rearrange the Steps and reorga~ze lating Willie’s case history was that the layout of the Big Book. So, just the other night a prospective actually, when Willie slipped I AA member came up with that old wasn’t too surprised, but what did one. The one I worked right down surprise me was the number of peato the last, that he was twenty-one, affected. . pleHeading the. .list was Willie’s that this was a free country and damn it all, if he wanted a drink boss. He called me at the ofice it was his business! Our own busi- and gave me quite a blast. seemed ness, yes, and everyone’s who even I’d fallen down-didn’t spon5ors remotely had anything to do with look after fellows? So why had I us. Willie’s case proved that. let Willie get drunk? I’d better I sponsored Willie and he was snap out of it and get hold of a bad one. An extremely clever Willie quick-or else! And, just to chemist, a likable fellow but a real clinch it, he implied that maybe dyed-in-the-woolalcoholic. I’d gone this AA wasn’t so hot after all. I . to school with him, and his wife put down the phone and softly had learned that I belonged to AA cursed the low-down so and so and and called me one afternoon to ask figured maybe it wasn’t much Wonme to please come over. der Willie had slipped. Well, Willie was in a repentant Well, that was only the start, mood. His job had reached that Willie’s wife phoned, said to wme there-won’t-be-a-next-time stage, so right over. I drove around, exp~cthe was a willing listener. ing to find Willie there, but she Willie took to the AA program didn’t even know where he Was. like any guy who knows he has to Seemed he’d started Friday night do something–or else. He went and this was Monday. The h o w meeting-crazy, he turned into a hold was so disrupted, she’d kept fanatic on AA. His bos, his wife the kids home from school. Tesa and his kids all fell on my neck had that frightened, hopeless look and were grateful all over the place. again, just like she’d had the first In turn, I glowed all over the time I’d gone there. The two boys. THE DAY THAT WILLIE SLIPPED place (with becoming modesty, of course). Willie sure was It, at first. ten and twelve, looked sort of defiant, as much as to say, ”Not

again!” In fact they all kinda looked they also took Willie, his wife and at me as if it were all my fault. kids as well as some of those holier- So far Willie’s boss and his ofice than-thou AA guys who had been associates were stirrcd up as well hanging around so much–especias his wife and boys. I went home ally since Willie had been away. a t noon in a vile mood, bawled out Well siree, I figured it: there my wife, raised the devil with my were thirty-four people directly aflittle girl and sent her to school fected, upset, disturbed, perturbed, almost crying. Yes siree, Willie’s thrown off schedule-from the time slip was catching on. Willie skidded until he got back So it went. I finally caught up to work and to AA. How many with Willie two days later, in jail. were affected indirectly . . . well, He’d got into a fight, broken a who knows? plate-glass door in a barroom and Yes, the story ended better than raised Hades in general. some do. Willie learned his lesson I went to a meeting that night and I’d bet real folding money on and our little group was upset too, Willie now. And you know, selfishbecause Willie’s activities had got ly speaking, I’m sort of glad Willie around town. I got Willie a lawyer slipped because one night last year and he got off with a stiff fine. Two I nearly slipped myself and then weeks later he got back to work, I got to thinking of Willie. I figured luckily, but not before one of his I didn’t care so much about mycreditors had gone around to his self but I sure didn’t want to upset house and threatened to take away thirty-four other people. I didn’t a new chesterfield. take that first one. The neighbors saw this one and Sure makes a fellow think . . . they were affected in various ways, no sire-I’ll never forget the day too. Some were sorry and some Willie slipped! thought it would be a good idea if H. C., Palmerston Group, Ontario

May 1960

P L A Y I N G A V I T A L PART

I T is often asked, “What earthly good is AA in prison?” To this I can only say that we build the Some members of the group originally carried a chip on their shoulders and were bitter at the whole world. foundation of good living while we Now they seem to have the appearare here in the hopes that some day, ance of persons who have discarded upon our release from here, we can a whole burden. put this knowledge into effect and As one who definitely needs the never again come back to one of these program, I believe that our meetings places. Of course, some of us stumble have a tendency to stabilize the inand come back, only because we have secure, encourage the timid to speak missed the boat along the line. But up and the over-boastful to be less if we take the program seriously and boastful and, for the problem drinkwork it into our lives according to er, the program at least starts him the Twelve Suggested Steps, in the thinking. The therapeutic value of long run, we will succeed. AA is unquestionable. Our meetings Since its inception at this unit, Al- are occasions for an exchange of coholics Anonymous has been of ideas. AA’s philosophy develops sindefinite rehabilitative value in our cerity, understanding, and even midst. AA has not only proved to be brotherly love. one of our greatest morale builders We are proud of our AA program but we also find that AA meets a and extremely grateful for the asneed for a specific type of therapy sistance rendered by the various AA that was lacking for us prior to AA. groups in the different towns, cities, Most inmates attending have an units and other institutions. element of humility about them. I . D. W., Huntsville, Texas

sense of belonging. These are my convict must realize that members people; these are my friends (and real of AA are not idiots. They realize friends). “Ex-con” is never thrown when they are being taken. And what in my face. I am just another alco- is more important, AA members alholic, trying by God’s grace to live most at once detect when a person the AA program twenty-four hours is not sincere. at a time. It is difficult for an alcoholic ex- Not to take the other guy’s or gal’s convict to find and hold a job, unless inventory, but . . . I have seen men he is absolutely honest. Certainly, his take advantage of AA in prison. employer must know his back- Standing before the State Parole ground. As the general public is edu- Board, it makes a good impression cated to the effectiveness of the AA to belong to AA. But AA, as I found program, understanding men in the it to be, is for one thing, one pur- business world will tend more and pose only-to keep an alcoholic such more to accept members of AA as as myself sober. An inmate in prison employees, even those with past cannot bluff when it comes to AA. criminal records. In fact, there is He is only kidding himself. If his reason to hope that employers might prime objective is to get out of favor alcoholics who have recovered prison, then as sure as he is an atco- in AA over those who refuse to do

Y OT many alcoholics in AA had to pay the price for members ip that I did: imprisonment. As a result of my Battle of the Bottle, I landed eventualiy in South Walpole, faced life with a new and brighter outlook as far as the booze problem was concerned. But almost at once another problem developed-that of being branded an ex-con. The genholic he will get drunk and will return again. I have had friends in AA who have given me a hand when the goanything about their drinking problem, in many instances. But to return to my own story: it is in an AA meeting that I feel at ing got tough. But here the fine line home. I am relaxed there, for I know where the Massachusetts Correc- eral public is just not educated to the fact that a criminal is a sick person between charity and AA’s Twelfth that never will a finger be pointed tional Institution is located-better Step must be drawn. AA, as such, is known as State Prison. morally. People just do not look at me. We learn to live in AA by down the long road of circumstances not a charitable organization. It is our motto: “But for the Grace of It was in that institution that I -in my case booze-which leads to not in the small loan business, though God”; and most humbly I thank God came in contact with AA. I shall be countless unknown charitable acts forever grateful to the Norwood AA imprisonment. But in AA groups for the true friends He has given me, here in New Hampshire, I was ac- may be credited to individual AA an ex-con, in Alcoholics Anony- Group, which visits South Walpole cepted. It added much to my humil- members. But here, too, the ex- mous. R.S., Laconia Group, N.H. AA Group Number Thirteen each Wednesday, and to AA members ity to be asked to speak at meetings, of greater Boston who came to the as well as to chair meetings. prison weekly. It was there, still in After telling my story many times prison, that I learned I did not have in AA meetings, and telling it honto drink, and that through the estly, I have never once had a mem- Twelve Suggested Steps of AA my ber of AA demonstrate prejudice life could become rehabilitated. against me. The hearty handshake at When I left prison on parole, I the end of a meeting gives me the

September 1960

your heart, enriched by sincerity and with me-I didn’t trust Bill or Dr. humility, you are no more on this Bob’s IOU deal. program than a parrot, quoting That is how I hit on the right here, Shakespeare, is erudite. right now theme that began to color For three years I listened to men my pitches. I thought it was luck make pitches that dwelt on what they then; later, 1 knew that it was God as were going to do when they got out. I understand Him. I got my pay every . That was the tenor of my own first few day. The first coin was the realization pitches. But I’m not a pie-in-the-sky that emotional patterns caused me to guy. An old disciple of Omar Khay- seek escape in alcohol. That deyam’s, I held fast to the philosophy manded an honest inventory, and that it is better to take the cash and AA’s moral inventory was the hardest let the credit go. Most of us in prison step of all. havi always operated on that prin- About that time I was selected as ciple because emotional immaturity a guinea pig for psychotherapy, an does not grasp the abstract. So I innovation in the California Departdropped out of AA for about two ment of C o r r e c t i o n s p r o g r a m . months, using a night job as Thanks to AA, I was completely honan excuse. But I had no excuse for est with myself and my therapist. It not attending church on Sunday took a whole year, but-little by little mornings. . . . -AA, my church and psychotherapy Both AA and church attendance were revealed to me as interdepenlook good on our records when we go dent and correlated approaches to a up before the Parole Board. Both are personality change. yokes that rub the shoulders raw I still don’t know what happened s a recent prisoner who found the A AA program in prison and now a parolee attending outside meetings Many of you on the inside point to the “wheels” who were active in AA in prison, but who got off the bus, when our motive is to get out. Heaven to me. The hatred for prison officials seemed a million light years away, was resentment that AA told me I and I had the feeling I’d be a burned- couldn’t afford. The psychotherapist of Alcoholics Anonymous, I feel that hit a bar and bounced back. “What’s out star before I crossed that much showed me that officials were but my Janus-faced status between the the use?” you argue. “This racket space. “What can I get out of it right scapegoats for my childhood frustrapast and the future puts me in a posi- won’t keep a guy out.” You are so now?” I fretted. The answer came tions by a harsh father. My church tion to give the in’s-and-out’s of the right . . . as a racket it won’t keep us slowly: the realm of values and told me to forgive my enemies. I program so that those outside may out of prison. But, as a program, it morals is real. ended by silently asking their forgivelook within, and those inside may will. But church hadn’t solved my alco- ness. The change? Where I once had look out . . . with some assurance of There is more to the program than holism, so I read the AA book, “Al- gloated over destroying state property remaining out once they are released. reading the Twelve Steps and making coholics Anonymous,” my eye on (as a child, I would slyly tear my So, right now, right here, I tell you pitches for the benefit of the visiting “Chapter Five: How It Works.” I mother’s dresses when locked in a that the place and time to begin AAs from the outside, then following started back to AA, this time not to dark closet), I now began to pick up working the AA program-whether the pitches with personal appeals for get on the program when I got out, paper clips when I saw them in the you are in or out-is: right here, right help in getting out. Unless your words but to get whatever it had to offer me corridors. Self-consciously at first; now. go out from a sounding board that is in prison. It was still cash-and-carry later, with the conviction that it was

practicing the principles of AA. I walked through the gate. Just a sense even faced the memory of having torn of responsibility. I knew I was the my wife’s dresses when she left me same man who had been on the other during my drunks. Those were the side of the wall a few moments ago. acts of a little boy, left in a closet of Nothing had changed but my enviloneliness by his “mother.” I began to ronment. I had the tools to dig into it. understand that I was emotionally For the first time i.1 my life I had no diseased-not morally bad. vague anxiety, no fear of life. I liked Three years and nine months of people. There was no desire to get working with the California Depart- even for what had been done to me; ment of Corrections program passed, merely the sincere desire to live my and I was paroled. gratitude for what had been done for My word to you inside will be hard me. for you to take: quit planning for the It is wonderful to be free from the outside in terms of a magic change in prison of immature emotional patyou at the gate. You change now or terns. All my life I’d been squeezed never. Nor is it important that you get out of shape by that Chinese footout next year. The important deal is: binding process that is immaturity. prepare yourself now for then. The Now I can walk among men who parole board has its eye on you. A understand my slight limp. ripe apple is plucked in season. The members have learned that green Tomorrow-and all the tomorrows apples won’t sell; that the green ap- to come-are but extensions of right ples come back to them. I earnestly here, right now. That is the “out” for thank God as I understand Him that those inside; the “in” to the program I did not get out until I was ready to for those outside. That is the real cope with my problems as an emo- freedom for emotional growth that tionally maturing individual. leads to maturity. I felt no childish thrill when I Anon., Santa Barbara, California

inadvertently, made it his business Too, any gift we would wish to send to forget about us, then all is right would, necessarily, have to be the in the world! best-nothing less would suffice. At this Christmas, however, we And we would not be satisfied with are faced with a new problem. And a present hastily constructed. We we are made happy about this. For would rather a whole year’s planyou see, a new problem means there ning go into our expression. has been a “change,” and changes, Which leaves to us but one aveas such, are uncommon in these nue at this holiday period-a written confines. Some thirty-odd inmates token of our deep-felt appreciation have been blessed with a brand new for all you are trying to do for usfriendship. We know that is a poor and are already doing for us! word to describe what we feel for We didn’t send for you-you the men of AA who are coming in sought us out. Bless you! here. These are more than “friends.” You have given us a new hope, These are the men who give up that the promise of a new life. Bless you! blessed freedom of the outside and You not only hold out your h e l p dare to imprison themselves for a ing hand during these trying daysfew hours with us each week. They you offer us that encouragement for forego the delights of companion- the day we step outside. Bless you! Prison Cell and realizes the error of his ways. We wish each other, in here, a ship with family and relations and We want you to know, Ed R., Ed friends. They pass up the movies, B., Ed S.-and all the other members “Merry Christmas” and our hearts and the TV and the get-togethers of of AA who have visited with us, that are heavy as we do so. And the first the free world. Yes, and some even in our heart of hearts we wish you A moving tribute to three day of the New Year finds us mouth- give up a much needed sleep for the Long Life and Happy Years! guys named Ed, from a very ing that oft repeated phrase, “Happy next day’s work-just to come here! May the Good Lord bring to you grateful group New Year!” but we don’t mean it! What do we feel for these men? and yours a measure of the joy you We’re not happy-we are miserable How do we show our apprecia- have brought to us. May the New about this whole sorry mess. tion? Year give you that good health to I T is most incongruous to wish the On the other hand, we give to our imprisoned a “Merry Christmas friends outside, our best wishes for and a Happy New Year!” A man a holiday season-and if ever Man Do we send them the usual card continue your good work. Unof felicitation? But that’s so inade- ashamed, we tell you we need youquate. The pleasant jingles are not yes, we envy you. behind bars cannot possibly spend was well meaning, it is the man for us. Our feelings are too deep to We envy your spirit which exemthat holy day in merry mood. And behind bars who sends to those in be expressed by the synthetic com- plifies the spirit of Christmas. He, in the first day of the New Year is not the free world his deep-felt expres- posing~of the card writer. His heaven, must surely be counting a happy one. We receive the best sion. We buy many Christmas cards. Do we send a gift? The Lord the blessings you are distributing as wishes of our loved ones and We write many letters-even to those alone knows we wish to do so. But you go your way through these darkour friends-however, the “Merry who have long forgotten us. For you then, our labors are, naturally, re- ened corners of the world. Christmas and a Happy New Year” see, we want to be remembered by stricted, and the suddenness of our We wish you all a Very Merry they offer us is done with tongue in everybody! And if our reminder that acquaintanceship has left us without Christmas and a Happy New Year! cheek. These are the days when we are still alive brings answer from that forethought of anticipation. The Corkers each of us searches his own heart someone who had purposefully, or

March 1961

room can cite instances close to his satisfy the wish of our society genfamily or professional life, of the loss erally, to get these unfortunate creaand tragedy attributable to this dis- tures removed from public viewease. You must be aware of the ap- and, thus, from the public conscience. palling suicide rate among these Legal procedures, punitive laws “CAN WE PERMIT JUSTICE people. But how many of you know and police handling only aggravate the difference between an alcoholic the problem. Judge Murtagh has reand a drunk? If you do not have a peatedly declared that the penal ap- TO REMAIN BLIND?” genuine understanding of this illness, proach to the problem is a national there are 25,000,000 American disgrace! Alcoholism is the only illclients whom you cannot properly ness you can have for which society An Address by serve. And as a member of this great will send you to jail! Many get life ‘ Albert B. Logan legal profession of ours, what are sentences-thirty days at a time. you doing? Antiquated methods of handling Let’s face the reality of the situ- this problem are accompanied by a ation. Actually, lawyers have ex- colossal waste of public funds. The Before a Joint Session o f the Law Society of England and the hibited a strange reticence to bring City of Denver annually expends the American Bar Association, an attorney stresses the need for the this problem of alcoholism out into sum of $1,300,000 just for the arrest, legal profession to recognize alcoholism as a disease the open. trial and incarceration of inebriates- We are told by the leaders in this without any pretense of offering any field that the greatest deterrent to a treatment or rehabilitation. Denver solution of this problem is public does a magnificent job of maintain- SSUMING-butof course not as- A lawyer without an understand- apathy and ignorance. They say that ing and expanding the sub-standard A serting-that all of you in at- ing of this grave illness, alcoholism, tendance, indulge in the use of alco- is in the same dilemna as a surgeon until the stigma of alcoholism can be removed from public attitudes, no culture of its prospering Skid Row. If Skid Row habituCs had their own holic beverages, at least seventeen of without an understanding of anat- real progress can be expected. chamber of commerce, they wouldn’t you in this audience this morning omy. More than 5,000,000 of our Why does this stigma persist? In ask for anything Denver is not giving. now are or will become alcoholics. fellow citizens in the United States my opinion the stigma of alcoholism But since the Skid Row represents Which individuals are alcoholics, and today, are afflicted with it. Unlike is being perpetuated by two influen- less than three per cent of America’s which are not, I do not know, nor do most other illnesses, this sickness tial facets of our society. They are: alcoholic population (and only about you. You cannot distinguish them wreaks its devastation upon those ( 1 ) The churches, many of whom fifteen per cent of those on Skid just by looking. However that reve- who are associated in any way with persist in the bigoted view that the Row are actually alcoholics) our lation is of some reassurance to me the alcoholic. Consequently, it has sick alcoholic is a moral leper. ( 2 ) thinking today should be directed to this morning because I know that at been reliably estimated that 20,000,- The legal profession, by and through the ninety-seven per cent who are least that many of the lawyers, judges, 000 other Americans are adversely whom an historically worthless penal stil! existing in ordinary social enbarristers and solicitors in this room affected by the illness of alcoholism. approach by law, is nurtured and pre- vironments. have a genuine personal interest in A prominent physician in the field served. (I refer to the punishment of Among this ninety-seven per cent the subject I have come here to dis- of mental health has said, “If alco- the alcoholic as a criminal offender, are your clients and mine, your cuss today. holism were a communicable disease, or his classification either as a lunatic friends and mine, your neighbors and My initial objective in being here is awtate of national emergency would or as a person who is mentally ill.) mine – business executives, judges, to offer support for this proposition: be declared!” Every lawyer in this It is true that such punitive measures barristers, doctors. Alcoholism recog-

-nizes no class, makes no distinctions. fession. Here are some suggestions holics whose acute pain and suffering how much longer can we permit Jus- Many of these are “hidden” alco- and recommendations as to what the is characterized by our medical pro- tice to remain blind? holics, who are not known as such American Bar Association could do: fession as the most excruciating pain We know not when this tragic illto public authorities or to their asso- 1. Reccgnize that alcoholism is an of all the ills of mankind known to ness will strike close to any of usciates generally. And it seems quite illness and that the penal approach medicine. our wives, our children, even we our- . probable that half of our alcoholic to alcoholism is fundamentally and Sparked by the thought-hhattering selves could be its victims tomorrow. population is of the female variety. morally wrong. revelations of the great Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous-that ihis in- (It’s a lead-pipe cinch that one of The fact that they are in the home 2. Acknowledge that the problem curable malady can be successfully every twelve of you who drink, will and are commonly “protected” is the of alcoholism is of national concern. reason this fact of life is not generally 3. Recognize that the matter of arrested and that the alcoholic is a become an alcoholic!) Hence, if considered. alcoholism is so involved with most person worth saving-the resources ever wc were moved to invoke the In the January 1960 issue of other problems faced by the lawyer of physicians, psychiatrists, psychol- practice advocated by the Man of Fortune Magazine, the Executive in practice, that it is now essential ogists, sociologists, penologists are Nazareth that “. . . whatsoever ye Director of the National Council on that he make a study of the nature participating in this grand new ad- would that men should do to you, do Alcoholism was quoted as saying, of the illness, and the available faciii- venture to improve the plight of man. ye even so to them . . .” this great “Alcoholism all too frequently strikes ties for care and treatment. Conspicuous by its absence, is the avenue for service presents that opthe most promising member of a 4. Announce that education on lcgal profession. In this situation, portunity. family, a school class, or a business. alcoholism is an essential ingredient Granted that it also can strike the of law school education. dull, the mediocre and the misfit, 5. Urge the Senate Subcommittee nevertheless the man susceptible to on Health, Education and Welfare to . alcoholism very often seems to be provide an appropriation for a new the man who is a little more alert, a Bureau of Alcoholism Control. little better at his job and a little 6. Establish in the framework of more intelligent than his fellows in the American Bar Association a perhis particular social, economic, or job manent Committee on Alcoholism level. He is more sensitive than the with a directive to co-ordinate its non-alcoholic, more imaginative and activities with the work of the Amermore aware and he hates routine. The ican Medical Association, the Amerqualities that make an executive also ican Hospital Association and the characterize alcoholics.” National Council on Alcoholism. History records the role of leader- Along the path of freedom and ship provided by lawyers in all great justice, we have found few human political and social movements. Is beings more cruelly oppressed or our profession no longer fulfilling its more enslaved than these unfortunate mission in society? fellow-citizens we call “alcoholics”- My mission here today is to out- human beings chained against their line the part in this crusade that the will to a compulsive addiction, de- American Bar Association is quali- graded and despised by ignorance fied to perform, within the dignified and bigotry, and relegated to the catetraditions of the organized legal pro- gory of outcasts and outlaws. Alco-

April 1961

THE LONELY ROAD He found A A in prison but had to learn that action without faith led him always back to “the pit” 1 lost some of the blindness. I found M ANY, many years ago a man of the pit and three times I stumbled walked this earth performing and fell. miracles. Some who had faith, He Maybe He doesn’t walk this earth something I had never known in my life-fellowship. same pit. 1 felt myself falling but I could do nothing about it. I had nothing to hang onto. Having pulled mhde walk again, others He made any more but the faith He taught is I could see enough to tell that the myself up by taking a good grip on see again, and some He made live still here. I have opened my eyes road was not so crooked as it had action, 1 had refused to set my feet on again. Miracles through faith. enough to see that faith in His Power seemed and that those I met on the a solid foundation of faith in a Power I walked a well-traveled road that can work miracles. road were . . my friends. That they, too, greater than myself. had seen many before me, that saw I came into AA while still in were looking for a better way to go 1 learned that AA based on action the many who walked with me, and prison. I came in with the same blind down this road of life and not stum- alone can bring only a sober mind. would see the many to come after eyes, not really wanting to see the ble on the bump as I had. But AA based on action and a solid me. But it was a lonely road. In my road I was on, but trying only to find But it was not a sure cure. I carried rock of faith can bring a peace of blindness I saw nothing or no one- a way to make my travel easier. my action with me when I left the pit. mind nothing can shake. blinded by my own hate, by self-pity, I entered AA-bitter, full of hate On action alone I had placed my Thc Man no longer walks this by many resentments. and filled with self-pity. I listened sobriety. I did quite well for a while. earth, but the Power is still here. It was a winding, twisting road and I learned. I said, “This is what I I didn’t need this Power they spoke of Faith in this Power can work the and, as I traveled in my blindness, I need,” and I tried to take it. I did not so often. I was sober wasn’t I? same miracles today. I can walk stumbled over a bump in the road want anything to do with any of the It was not enough. Something hap- again, 1 can see again, I can live into a dark pit. The bump was the members. I just wanted a way to stay pened and I became less and less again. bottle, the pit a penitentiary. I stayed out of this pit. active in my AA. It wasn’t long until It’s not a lonely road any more. It’s some time in the pit waiting for a I began to resent the fact that I was back on the same winding, an easy road filled with beauty and chance to get out. I did get out and I others working the same program twisting road. And sure enough I fell fellowship. It’s a lovely road-today. went on down the same crooked were happy and I was not. What was over the same old bump, and into the J . Y . , Wullu Wullu, Wuxhington road. In my darkness I stumbled I doing wrong? I began to pay more again into the same pit. I still could attention to what was said. I moved not see this bump in the road. Each up to the front so I could hear better. time I was able to ease myself out of It wasn’t long until I heard the word the pit and each time I stumbled I was lookingfor.Theysaid, “Action into it again, over the same bump. is the magic word.” So I made up my Too blind to see that I was on the mind that I was going to have to be wrong road, a rough road, a lonely more active if I wanted any part of road. this program. I said, “Anything they Three times I picked myself up out ask me to do I will do.” In doing so,

May 1 9 6 1

FOR PRISON importance of sponsorship, the im- is in prison. This is a means of portance of taking special interest strengthening the latter’s sohriety. SPONSORS in a penalized alcoholic who wants to stop drinking and gain mental These are the basic elements of good sponsorship. An inmate member sobriety. There is, however, the casual Those who will accept and do sponsor, the would-be do-gooder gives some valrrahle sponsorship work can and will be who comes and says he will help but do’s and Don’ts welcomed by the confined alcoholic, doesn’t-the onc who actually hinders and such work helps the AA, him- prisoners by false promises and mis- T ~ l i ~are approxinlately 435 prison groups, with 17,500 inmate members, in North America self, to grow. It also creates and deepens the satisfaction derived from guidance. This is the sponsor who loses his own respect for the proand overseas. helping others in an inspiring activity. gram and has a slip, thus disillusion- These institutional groups hnvc The outsider who asks himself the ing the inmate and causing him three fundamental needs, all of which question “What does a sponsor do?” difficulty too. can be met in large part by nicmbers need only remember what AA did The sponsors with the best intenof local groups or by committees for him. The inmate hopes for a sin- tions may find angle-shooters in representing a number of groups in cere sponsor, one who really wants prison, the real “con” men who go ;In area. to help and can serve as a concrete along with the story and hope to The first need is for personal in- example. He wants encouragement, “take” their sponsors upon their re- ‘ terest, for direct sponsorship of in- both written and verbal. He wants to leases. Often such inmates trip themstitutional groups, for continuing be fully convinced and must be re- sclves before that time and drop out correspondence with members and minded to keep an open mind. Re- of the group, the AA “angle” not for assistance in holding effective member the sponsor you had, and all being “sharp” enough to suit them. group meetings. he said? The experience of individual spon- The second need, an urgent one, The sponsor should introduce the sors and groups has denlofistrated is for approved AA literature, which inmate to other sponsors who may conclusively that those who get the is not always available. Few institu- be there for the same purpose, in most out of the AA program, and do tional groups have funds to purchase order to confirm his belief that all he the most effective job of carrying the such literature or a means of getting fact that someone else took a special is hearing is true. (Remember, this AA message to imprisoned alcoit except through those on the out- intcrcst in them and was willing to person is in prison and is hard to holics, arc those to whom AA reside. share a great gift with them. Sponsor- “con.”) He should explain to his sponsibilities are too important to be The third need is for a program ship by an older member can mean willing listener the importance of the left to chance. Such members and designed to help inmates after they much to a person in a prison, espe- Tradition of anonymity and the sig- groups welcornc sponsorship and leave the institution and enter into cially to the newcomer who turns to nificance of the AA Steps. Finally, look upon it as an opportunity to the world once more. AA for help. the sponsor should encourage him to enrich their own lives as well as thosc Most members of Alcoholics Individuals and groups should not really work the program by being of the inmates they serve. Anonymous owe their sobriety to the and cannot afford to lose sight of the willing to help others even though he D.M.,Atluntu, Georgia

May 1961

“Frecdom” in prison From Norfolk Prison, Va.: We had our thirteenth anniversary of AA here, and I am very happy and proud to say that I have been as constant a member as God would allow me. Without our program I know that life would have been just as unendurable, perhaps even more so, in here, than it was out on the street, for I carried my own prison with me everywhere I went. Then, suddenly, I learned that we can only live a day at a time. When I realized that my sentence was not for life or death, but merely for twenty-four hours at a time, many things became plain and clear that I could never comprehend before, because I could not see through me. I d o not say, nor even attempt to say, that all these twenty-four-hour periods have been pleasant. That would be foolish and it would be lying. Some were the most dreadful times that any man in the world has ever endured, some were nice and leave me with cherished memories, but the main thing to me is that they helped prove to me beyond any doubt that our way of life is the only way that ‘we as alcoholics can live with ourselves. For, at times, we are our own worst enemies. J. G .

July 1961

lilsirle prison he learned how to cope piece; a refound sense of humor that years ago as childish and impractical. with the world outside ! enables me to chuckle at myself and I! Heading toward a new set of goals, with people. Prior to AA when oc- lcss grandiose and materialistic; a set casionally I found something to tickle of gods that are more possible of my risibilities, it would be raucous irttainment. M Y name is Mack. I am an alcoholic, with many years of expcrience. 1 came from a town in laughter at someone else’s expense. Seriously though, I have so many Finding niyself now able to chat with God. Southeast Texas. pieces to be thankful for. The following are a few more, not in order I could go on describing each 1 began drinking at the early age of beautiful piece of peace of mind in fifteen years. By the time the second of importance or of acquiring, but as they come to mind, as I pick out the my quilt but I do not need to. Anywar started in 1941, 1 was quite a one in AA can probably name most drinker. It was just something to do various shapes, colors and materials of the pieces in my ever growing of them if he or she will stop to count at first but by the time of my dis- his or her blessings. There are of charge in 1948, it had grown into quilt. Gratitude for what I have, instead course some exceptionally personal something much more. 1 had serious pieces but then each and every one trouble in the service from drinking. of resentment or envy for what I have not or have lost through alco- has his own special pieces as well. 1 came out and in the same year mar- When one comes right down to it, ried a wonderful person, who I loved holism and or age. Knowledge of my limitations to there are a few if any really unique very much, but I continued to drink stories before AA and few if any and got worse all the time. Two chil- act as a safety check on my physical and mental activities. unique developments from there on dren were born to us. I still drank in except in degree, governed, I feel, until, in 1954, my wife and children Calm self-confidence based on sobriety, rather than egotism aggra- by one’s willingness to accept time left me. I have never regained them. as an ally. All these years people talked to me, vated by active alcoholism. Increasing awareness of the re- My quilt will never be finished in pleaded with me, did everything to my lifetime but it has now grown to get me to stop drinking. I only drank sponsibilities of a maturing member of the human race to which I have the point where it gives real warmth more. 1 was -in and out of hospitals, and real comfort. I shall, I hope, conjail houses and etc. But in May, 1957, a program where you’re going that returned and my disposition to acwill help you in your drinking prob- cept these responsibilities and to do tinue to add to it piece by piece after a blackout drunk of two months, as time works for me. It will grow, I came to in the county jail. I had lem. Join it.” I resented what he said something about discharging them. then, but today I can only thank him Telling the truth instead of trying I know, if I continue to try to live by charges against me that would send the Twelve Steps of our program and me to prison. 1’11 never forget the from the bottom of my heart. to keep track of my lies so they do I went to prison in Huntsville, not conflict. if I continue to be active in our Feljudge and will always be grateful to lowship. him, because he gave me some good Texas, June 11, 1957. Two months Taking my ideals out of the moth advice. He told me, “Son, they have later 1attended my first AA meeting balls where I had placed them many Jackson Heights, N . Y. P. W.,

September 1 9 6 1

Our remedy for injustices in crimi- The admittedly unfortunate and illnal proceedings is to use our power advised use of our Directory by the as citizens to correct these injustices FBI must not obscure this fact. by law, not to subvert our laws by The proper approach for AA in failure to co-operate with their en- helping to straighten out a man inforcers. volved with the law is to co-operate Good A A and good citizenship go together If a man who has done wrong is intelligently with law-enforcement sincere in wanting to make amends agencies while making sure, to the in AA know something gone so far as to declare that it is M ANY about the storm of protest which arose over the use of our Gennot right for us to give, or for the FBI to ask for, information about a and if we are sincere in our belief in the essential goodness of a Higher Power, the best thing that we can do best of our ability, that the man has every opportunity to rehabilitate himself if he is sincere in purpose. eral Service confidential “World Di- wanted man and that he should be for this man is to convince him that We do not need to be informers to rectory” by the Federal Bureau of protected if we think he is sincere in he should get himself straightened do this. Investigation in circularizing groups AA. How can he be sincere under out with the law. Until he has, he such circumstances? It seems clear We must first help such a man to in the Michigan area to inquire about can’t do much unharassed, straight realign himself mentally and spirita wanted person. These protests were that such thinking arises from confu- thinking, nor can he take effective sion of the method of inquiry with ually, then ask clemency for him, justified, and it is to the credit of action on his basic problems. Guilt where we feel that clemency is indithe New York office and its then the purpose of it. We cannot claim is too inclusive a load to carry. He any relief from the responsibilities cated. We should not attempt to in- GSO staff head, the late Hank G., cannot face God, as he understands terpose our own judgment and hope that this matter was straightened out of citizenship because we are in AA. Him, with a clear conscience and ask By the same token, we cannot afford between the man and legal authoriwith the FBI so that there should be Him for guidance on any problem ties to the extent that we may cirno repetition of this violation of the to let a “fishing” expedition, improp- with any expectation of receiving erly implemented through the care- cumvent justice. confidential nature of our directory. help from this source. Had the inquiry been directed less use of confidential information, If we are to continue successfully, However sympathetic we may be the group conscience must constantly properly, through the New York endanger the rehabilitation of those with such a man’s predicament, we office, this situation should never of us who have had brushes with the remind us that our great program is have no right to countenance any at- parallel to, never at odds with, good have arisen. law. tempt on his part to conceal it either It is important to be sure that this The purpose of any legal search citizenship. No one can be a law unto before God or before the legally con- himself and remain on the program . incident has not confused our think- for a wanted man is to bring him to stituted enforcement agencies of out ing as to the proper relationship be- justice under the laws of our coun- successfully. No one who practices country. Our thinking in this con- the program properly will neglect or tween our obligations as citizens of try and, let us not forget, to rehabili- nection can be confused by an unour great country and our AA Tradi- tate him if possible. That justice avoid his responsibilities as a citizen. derstandable desire to defend AA tions of anonymity. It is unfortunate should be tempered with mercy, that against all comers. We must look to Specifically, we are justified in asthat there should ever arise any idea the penalty for a crime should be de- the eflects of our actions objectively suming that AA comes first and good or situation that would seem to raise termined not only by the crime itself and with care that over-zealous pro- citizenship second when it involves the possibility of a conflict of pur- but by the circumstances surround- tection of some of our beliefs does public policy toward law violators. pose between our citizenship and our ing the perpetrator both before and not get the better of our basic pur- The two must march forward hand AA membership privileges with their after the crime is committed, are pose. in hand. We cannot practice AA “in supporting, concurrent responsibili- matters we must leave for the con- I t is not proper to substitute in- all our affairs” without civic responties. sideration of the court to which the dividual feelings for our group re- sibility. Yet some of our members have culprit is brought. sponsibility as citizens, in such cases. R. K., Traverse City,Mich.

September 1961

The horse didn’t mind waiting and I helped was the kind of job I had. I didn’t give a damn about the pas- was a freight conductor, and once I sengers. The company did, though, locked myself in my caboose nobody and after a while they detailed spot- could see me or know what I was doters to catch me knocking the com- ing. What I was mostly doing was pany down. They never caught me. I drinking. I drank everything-whisquit first. key, gin, canned heat, smoke, sneaky 79 Years with the Bottle Shortly after getting the tip from President McKinley, I left home and pete, embalming fluid and wine. I guess it was the wine that later gave took the train for Philadelphia. There me the running sores on my legs. The His mother put whiskey in his baby bottle. I really hit the skids. I panhandled sores are gone now, but I still have and I drank. I learned a pretty good the scars. From then on, any old jug would do panhandling trick. I could roll my I don’t know how many times in eyeballs so far up that when I opened my life I have been arrested-thirty the lids only the whites of’the eyes or forty maybe. My first arrest was in . Y name is Louis R. and I’m an “Do you know who that was?” showed. Everybody pities a blind 1893, for panhandling. After I re- M alcoholic. I guess I’ve always been an alcoholic-at least I’ve al- “Hell, no!” I said. “That was the President of the man, especially one so young, so I made enough money to drink on. tired, I was arrested seventeen times in Washington on charges of intoxicaways drunk alcohol. My mother used That is until one day I dropped a tion. It’s’no wonder. 1 had a pension United States.” to put a few drops of whiskey in a half dollar a woman had given me from the railroad and nothing to do “Which one?” I asked. and I ran straight to the gutter where but drink. My wife had died. My marbottle of warm water and feed it to “President McKinley, stupid!” it had fallen. She caught on and be- ried daughter wouldn’t even speak to me when I was a baby. And that was a long, long time ago. I didn’t care who it was so long as gan to holler for the cops. I kept run- me, and neither would my brothers, I was born in Washington, D. C., he gave me my whiskey-money. ning and took the next train for New sisters, cousins, nephews and nieces. on the fourth day of July in the year Whiskey was my God from the be- York. You know I was bad because my 1880. Rutherford B. Hayes was then ginning. I quit school young and went In New York I lived in the Bowery family is Jewish, and Jewish people President of the United States, but to work on the horsecars as both con- and I drank. I slept in flop houses, in look after their own. But I was too the first President I really remember ductor and motorman. At that time, doorways, in jails. It didn’t matter so much even for them. So I lived alone was McKinley. The reason I remem- six tickets cost a quarter and so did a long as I could manage to get enough and friendless except for’the com- . ber him so well was that he once gave half pint of rye. Every day I had to money to drink on. And I managed. pany of a few other drunks like myme a tip for watering his horse on his make a hard decision. Should I For some reason, when I got to be self. way back from a big celebration at pocket the first quarter I collected, or twenty-one-that was in the first year In October, 1959, I was arrested the old Washington Armory. I hap- the second? On good days I let the of this century-I decided to go to again. Only this time it was different. pened to be standing by a watering company have the first one and I’d work. So I got a job on the railroad A probation officer named Ed S. trough when this carriage drove up wait until I had sold twelve tickets and I stayed with the railroad until asked me if I wanted to quit drinking. with a distinguished looking man in- before stopping the car at Dailey’s 1953, when I was retired. People ask I said yes, and he went on to tell me side. I held the horse’s bridle while saloon on 4% and E Streets, South- me how I managed to keep the same about Alcoholics Anonymous and he drank and then of course held out west. On bad days I took the first job all that time and drink too. I don’t about the D. C. Municipal Court Almy hand for a tip. The man in the quarter. know the answer to that one. Maybe coholic Rehabilitation Program. He camage gave me one. Then a man in In any case, service on my car it was the grace of God or maybe just asked me if I wanted to try it, and I uniform came up to me and said: stopped while I went into Dailey’s. a drunkard’s luck. One thing that figured I had nothing to lose, so I

started going to meetings at the live at The Home because, with my Municipal Court on Saturday morn- pension from the railroad, I am finanings and Monday nights. cially independent, and I wouldn’t On November 17, 1951, I went to want to take a bed that could be a meeting at the Municipal Court given to some alcoholic who is broke with a half-pint bottle of wine hidden and has no place to go. But I spend in my shirt. A gray-haired man a lot of time there and these men are named Jim F. got up and started talk- my best friends. Not long ago at an ing. He said he was an alcoholic and AA meeting over in Alexandria, Virhad been a drunk for a long time, but ginia, I had a heart attack. They that he’d joined Alcoholics Anony- rushed me to the hospital, stayed . mous and had learned how to stop close, and their friendship pulled me drinking and start living. He asked if through–even when the doctors had there were any questions. I raised my given me up. To these people, eshand and politely asked if this or- pecially to Bob N., I owe my life. ganization expected a man, seventy- My daughter loves me now. After nine years old, who had drunk all his my heart attack, she came to see me, life, to stop drinking just like that. for the first time in seventeen years, Jim said he wasn’t that old, but that She wants me to come and live with if he’d done it, I could do it too. I her. And I get to see my grandfigured maybe he was right, so I children and my great-grandchildren. reached inside my shirt, took out the I buy them little presents, and that half pint of wine, and gave it to the makes them happy, and it makes me man sitting next to me. And I haven’t happy. It’s good to be a grandfather. had a drink since. I’m almost eighty-one now, and Right away after I started going to with my bad heart I guess I don’t AA meetings-not just at the Court, have too much longer to live. But I but all over Washington-things be- don’t care. The main thing I want is gan to happen to me. Good things. to die sober. And with the grace of The nicest people in the world be- God and the help of my good friends came my friends-my sponsor, Jim in Alcoholics Anonymous, I can F.; the gray-haired man who had told do it. me I could do it too; Tom G.; Ruth Meanwhile, I try to help the L.; Helen C.-all alcoholics, and all younger men find sobriety and happigood AA members. They’re my ness the way I have. I tell them: “If brothers and sisters. Then there’s I can do it, so can you. What does a Bob N. and Danny R., who manage drink of whiskey accomplish?” the AA Home in Washington. I don’t Louis R., by P. C., Washington, D. C .

January 1 9 6 2

W e were so tnoved by this extraorditrury letter tlwt we tire ~~rrhlishitr.~ it exuctlv as it M W S ~tv-ittiwto its. The Editors ocr 13, l 9 d / 3 1″i.’ /~MJ &7 on~m~

p o ~ HT A V E F N E Y W o N r v T r n u \ / YOU^ G o o p f i o o .'<,

J a n u a r y 1962

The Blacked-Out Boy

Now he was in bad trouble, and only one Grand Juror could believe his story officer had every right to shoot him almost always with trouble-since HAD never served on a Grand Jury us, acutely embarrassed, acutely re- dead since he (“F”) was obviously he was sixteen. Then I told the boy, I before but suddenly I knew that this teen-age boy was telling the truth. morseful, in the merciless isolation in which most Grand Juries study the drunk, apparently armed and was in the presence of the DA, just what using his gun in a threatening man- alcoholism is: I said I had no interest Call the boy “F.” He had just men and wonlen they must indict or ner. at all in temperance, was no preacher, piisscd his eighteenth birthday when let go, I could inhabit the tingling When it was recommended he be didn’t care who drank or how much. he stood uneasily before us twenty- bewilderment of this pleasant, co- turned over to the Youth Council I just said 1 was most terribly and four men and two women. The Grand operating, self-scourged youngster, Bureau for advice and guidance, I sincerely interested in those cases of Jury wanted to believe him but did trying to tell the truth. And telling it sought out the Assistant DA who had drinking where the drinking cannot not. Only I believed him. I had had exactly, too, up to the instant when presented the case. 1 told this man I be controlled. that kind of black-out myself: total derangement took over from order. had done considerable work with AA “F” said that being the recipient non-recall from a beginning-point of Ballistics experts identified the gun (without revealing my own actual of such disinterested interest was conlpletc innocence. Then bang! And as harmless for hold-up purposes. It identity with it). I told him that while something entirely new in his life. the police havc their hooks in you, was’ a starter’s pistol, used at track I thought the Youth Bureau was I wanted to bring AA (or its wiswith evidence you can neither com- meets, and fired blanks only. It was equipped to do a good job in such a dom) into the affairs of this boy, and prehend nor credit. empty at the time of the hold-up. case, it was possible that “alcohol- 1 did. I got stuck with a bit more than Here he was now-a decent kid And “F” didn’t want money; he only ism” was seriously involved here and I bargained for; now I’ve been asked who had turned a pistol on a bar- wanted a drink. that unless this came out, the Bu- by the Youth Council Bureau to tender and got a drink-and a ton of Other things came out: “F” was a reau’s efforts might come to naught. serve in an advisory capacity on the trouble too. substantial contributor to his family’s The DA agreed. I was encouraged Board. I t flashed through my mind: support. He was one of seven broth- to talk to “F” and I did so. The DA Of course 1 will. Two years ago I “What can 1 d o to help this kid?” ers and sisters. He worked for the asked to be present, saying he per- wouldn’t have. I couldn’t have. I How could I bring AA to bear in this post office, had never been in trouble sonally knew very little about alco- wasn’t in AA and I could neither havc affair? How did I know this boy was in his life, had left school afteh the holism. understood “F” nor been able to extelling the jury the truth about never tenth grade, passed civil service ex- “F” made a clean statement about plain him to others. owning or touching a gun in his life? ams and worked hard from the first his drinking. It had been going on- K. F . S., New York I don’t know how I knew; I just day of his employment. know I did know. As he stood before “F” was told that the arresting

March 1 9 6 2

on the outside. Maybe in prison this happen to the man who does not plan problem seems rooted deeper or de- at all. It takes a strong drive to resist veloped more than it is in free so- temptation, especially at a time when ciety. It is certainly made less bear- a man is emotionally upset by the able by the additional difficulty of difficulties of readjusting to life in being incarcerated. free society. The released inmate, Alcoholics confined in a peniten- carrying the stigma of being an extiary are forced to abstain most of con, usually is very insecure. The the time. Penal authorities like to temptation is tremendous to meet the challenges and frustrations on the What Good Does AA Do in Prison? think that no alcoholic beverages are available in their institutions, but first day of freedom, by having a by Henry Max Heilig have to accept the fact that occa- drink. sionally liquor is smuggled in or even It takes a lot of time to prepare a noted prison oficial tells why your AA visits produced in prison. This, however, is for this day, but time is one thing the exception and a negligible fac- prisoners have plenty of. Men who to penal institutions aren’t wasted work tor. The alcoholic in prison is usu- want to help themselves can be and ally forced to stay sober. are assisted in most, if not all, peni- This in itself would be an excel- tentiaries, through guidance, counsel- LCOHOL played a role, directly and his background, his problems and his A indirectly, in the crimes and convictions of over three quarters of desires. In preparing a professional admission summary, the staff will lent aid for future sobriety if the inmate wanted to stay sober: He would have only to continue his abstinence ing and Alcoholics Anonymous. A man needs will, insight and humility to live the AA program in the prisoners in our penitentiaries. usually discover an alcoholic back- after release and his problem would prison. AA in the penitentiary is The phrase “committed this crime ground. be solved. ALCOHOLICS ADMITTED, not under the influence of intoxicants” It is, of course, debatable whether There is a group of men who plan ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS. shows up in countless admission or not all these men are true alco- exactly this. But there are others who The AA member is the target of rid- ,

summaries. On many occasions al- holics. But there is no doubt at all have no plans at all. A large percent- icule, humiliation and kidding by his cohol played a part in preparing an that their lives in free society were age plan nothing else for the day of fellow inmates, especially the ones individual for his crime but was not handicapped by their use of alcohol their release but to celebrate by who have an alcoholic problem, but immediately involved in the offense. and their drinking habits landed spending their first dollar on the out- don’t admit it. They are joined by With city and county jails crowded them in prison. A rationally think- side for a drink. others who need someone to look .with drunks and the nation’s peniten- ing person will admit this and try’ to It is obvious that a chronic alco- down to in order to boost their own tiaries half full of alcoholics, it is nat- do something about it. Fortunately holic can only control his drinking by egos, and occasionally also by some ural that modem penologists face some inmates realize their predica- planning to fight his desires. But if of the guards and supervisors, who these problems realistically. The ment and search for a way to help his drive is just strong enough to find are not able to recognize the value of Twentieth Century has brought great themselves or to get help from oth- an excuse for his drinking and not a AA to society as well as to the alcochanges in penal practices. Rehabili- ers. These men are the future mem- motivation to stay sober, he will buy holics involved. tation is replacing mere punitive de- bers of prison AA groups and deserve his bottle and probably will be back To make AA work in any petention. credit for their desires and aid in in prison for another crime commit- nal institution, everybody concerned In order to reach this goal, prison their efforts. ted “while under the influence of in- should be familiar with the goals and authorities must know what type of Alcoholism behind bars is as toxicating beverages,” or land in jail the operations of AA. No group can person the newly arrived inmate is- much a personality problem as it is as a common drunk. This might also work any better than the warden or

superintendent allows it to. The re- social and legal rules, which they are under minimum custody conditions. ground. A good prison administrator sults largely depend on the under- unable to do when alcohol controls A man in an honor prison, such as therefore will welcome AA and asstanding and competence of the their actions. our Avon Park Correctional Institu- sist the members in their activities prison superintendent, as well as on tion in Florida, can be given more within the framework of the rules Most A A members in penal insti- of his institution. He is aware that the policies of the state agency in tutions are sincere. They know that responsibilities and more trust than charge of correctional institutions. a prisoner in close custody or an in- not every man who attends AA meetthey need AA and try to benefit from ings will profit lastingly by this asso- What does AA d o in prison? Why it. A few attend meetings just to dividual with basic criminal tendenhave it at all when the alcoholic can- cies, who must be kept under closest ciation, but he also knows that AA break the monotony of prison life, to has helped countless men and women not get anything to drink in the first see some visiting groups from the out- supervision or in a locked cell. place? The answers to these ques- T o the penologist who wants to to stay sober. And this includes side or a special movie, and have an many a former prisoner, who now tions are extremely simple. Alco- extra cup of coffee or a piece of cake return his wards to society in a better holics Anonymous teaches its mem- condition than he received them, AA enjoys a sober life in free society and bers to stay sober today. Tomorrow occasionally. The prison officials are is indispensable to the rehabilitation pays taxes instead of being a burden . aware of this and in a well run insti- to the taxpayer and to himself. it will teach them to stay sober to- tution will be liberal in their tolerance of inmates with an alcoholic backmorrow, and when the day of re- of this behavior. For many a man Mr. Heilig is the Classification Ogcer at the Avon lease comes, the great day of free- who came into AA just to kill time Park Correctional Institution, at Avon Park, Florida. bdom, AA will keep this man sober was drawn into the group spirit by on this difficult and crucial day when fellow members. A man who joined again he will see a liquor store or a AA as a con-man to pass the time, juke-joint. AA can be, and is, as or to influence authorities favorably, habit forming as alcohol or morphine, might walk out of prison one day, but it forms a good habit: the prac- join an outside group and stay sober tice of being sober today. The honest and within the law for the rest of his

AA member, in prison or out, has life. On the other hand a very dediaccepted his limitations; he has cated AA member, a sincere and learned to live with the thought that honest believer in AA, might go out he could not and cannot drink if he and fall into the first bar he passes. wants to be able to manage his life. Prison officials cannot and do not A good percentage of alcoholics in try to predict the future. They have prisons are not habitual criminals; been disappointed and pleasantly surthey committed their offense while prised too many times. But modem intoxicated but accept the law and prison administrators will give a man even respect it when they are sober. a chance if they see that he wants to To them AA is a hope t o retain their help himself. AA is possible in most common sense, their acceptance of penal institutions but works best

August 1 9 6 2

Prison Group project: From Thomaston, Maine: I thought a few words from a in turn we share our information; so prison group might be injected in the far in two weeks, seventeen different Grapevine. The Grapevine is widely foreign institutions and many in the read and enjoyed by all of our sixty- States have been reached. Perhaps two members and non-alcoholics we can stimulate groups that have alike! lost interest to continue in their ef- AA plays a major role in rehabili- forts, as AA is very contagious once tating the men while serving their it really gets started. Wg emphasize time. An impressive factor from AA the use of the Twelve Steps at the teachings, is the fellowship of men, openings of the meetings, and then vividly portrayed every Sunday at read the “Thought for Today” found our meetings by the perfect attend- in the book entitled “Twenty-four ance of outside groups. Hours A Day” at the close of the These groups come from all over meetings, along with the Lord’s the state, some as far away as two Prayer. hundred miles, just for one full hour We are keeping a map, and each of good AA talk. As I said, the time we hear from a group a ribbon reality impresses the imprisoned goes up. All in all, this should prove men. very interesting to all concerned, and Also, our group has undertaken a we hope that this project will prove world-wide project concerning AA, to be a starting factor for many who and that is writing each institutional will read this article. P. s. group a letter exchanging facts about the meetings held at their place, and

March 1963

and with complete frankness dis- of it. I don’t even want the things cussed his problem. He said thought- when I’ve sobered up. When I am fully, “This means everything to me. sober I have no desire to steal any- For the first time I feel 1 may make thing. It’s the old story. I steal when it-and go straight once I get out.” I’m drunk to get more money to get He was an ex-airforce man in his more liquor.” Canada’s New Kind of Prison early forties, dark, good looking, unmarried. He had a high school educa- Officials of the Corrections Branch confirmed that liquor is indeed “the by ldabelle MelviUe tion. His history: “I have been in and old story.” Officials say that about out of jail since I was seventeen years two-thirds of the 245 men in Prince old-mainly in.” Albert provincial jail are there be- A new form of “correction”-an all-AA camp in the forest Why? “For theft-always for theft cause of misuse of alcohol. They -breaking and entering. Last time I have either used liquor to bolster broke into a jewelry store. I was their courage to commit a crime or This too I know–und wise it were Correction Branch of the depart- they have committed offences which I f euch corrld know the same- drunk at the time, so drunk I scarcely That every prison that tnen build ment, drove a press party ti thc remember doing it. When I came to, they would be unlikely to commit Is built with bricks of shame, camp, reporters were given complete 1 had my pockets stuffed full of rings when sober. Atul hound with burs, lest Christ should see freedom to move about the camp and The Prince Albert jail also oper- How tven their brothers tnaitn. and watches. This is the strange part talk to any of the men. WILDEwrote the “Ballad It was always difficult to realize 0 SCAR of Reading Gaol” about twothirds of a century ago. He wrote that this was a “prison” camp. There was one unarmed corrections officer from personal experience and he for twelve prisoners. There were no portrayed the attitude of the times. bars, no locks, no fences. It appeared Prison in those days was designed an ordinary camp in the bush-neat more to break a man. Today the bunk houses, dining hall; men worktrend is to try and build a man- ing in the freedom of the woods and build him so he can live a better life the fresh air-cutting jack pine for when he leaves jail. the department of Natural Re- This summer this reporter saw sources. But this was no ordinary what Saskatchewan is doing to re- camp. The dozen men working at the habilitate prisoners. Saskatchewan camp were serving terms at Prince has three provincial jails-a men’s Albert jail. They were all alcoholics jail at Regina, men’s jail and a wo- -alcoholics who wanted to be men’s jail at Prince Albert, and a cured. All men were members of Alcamp at Holbein. coholics Anonymous. When A. M. Nicholson, minister What is it like to be serving a of Social Welfare and Rehabilitation prison term and to be given this kind and J. R. Mather, director of the of trust? Jack, one of the prisoners, sat *Reprinted with permission from The Western Producer, 1961 down on a log beside this reporter

ates a second bush camp near camp because we sincerely want to Choiceland for minimum security be helped. We spend our time in the prisoners but the Holbein camp is evenings discussing our problems unique, since it was begun a year ago and learning about the AA philosspecifically for alcoholics. ophy. We have meetings twice a Jack explained that only during week. I don’t kid myself. It’s easy this last prison term in Prince Albert for me here. My real test comes in jail was he able to face the truth- November, when I have sewed my the fact that he was an alcoholic. He term and I’m free ” again.” became a member of Alcoholics Did he think he could do it? Jack Anonymous within the jail, and then considered the question for some moved with the twelve men to the time, answered with a quiet determi- Holbein camp. nation, “I would be foolish to say He said quietly, “You understand ‘Yes’ to that question. You know that you have to believe in a Higher that an AA faces life just one day at Power. I had to face the fact that on a time. I can only tell you this-I my own I was really licked. The either make it or 1’11 end up in the whole philosophy of AA is summed penitentiary for life. This is my up in our prayer, ‘God grant me the choice. It’s going to be hard, I know serenity to accept the things I cannot that. I can only tell you I’m going to change; the courage to change the to try as I have never tried in my things I can, and the wisdom to know life.” the difference.’ ” Was it difficult for him to finally The story of the other prisoners in accept the help of Alcoholics Anony- the camp, was a variation of the mous? He replied, “No, because I same theme-alcoholism and crime. was desperate for help. But also let But there was nothing depressing me be honest about it. It’s not diffi- about the atmosphere. Instead there cult here in this camp. All of us are was a feeling of hope and gratitude in the same boat. It’s easy to be a on the part of the men for a penal success here because we have no system which concentrated on reliquor temptations. We are all in this habilitation.

April 1963

ing” process by which alcoholics are ready have an AA group or, if it does (EEP AA ALIVE IN OUR JAILS! swept up, the short shrift they get in 1

not have one, would not welcome the the courts, and their endless round offer of an outside group to come in by Austin H. MacCormick . through our revolving door jails con- and conduct one. The first prison stitute one of society’s greatest group was established at San Quen- It’s the only light in a dark picture, shames. AA has brought some light tin Prison in California in the early into this dark picture, and must 1940’s, soon after Clinton Duffy bea world-famous penologist tells us steadily bring more and more. came Warden. It is interesting to A man or woman who has been note that, having retired from state convicted only of public drunken- service, he has just become Execu- F all the dark corners of the earth 0 ing and maintaining sobriety than in which Alcoholics Anony- any other program o r service our mous has taken root and grown to over-crowded and understaffed menness, disorderly conduct, or one of the other misdemeanors with which an intoxicated person may be tive Director of the San Francisco Council on Alcoholism. There is one fact which all those mature strength, the 502 prison and tal hospitals have at their disposal. charged, will ordinarily not be sent who are thinking of establishing an jail groups with over 20,000 mem- There can be, however, no deny- to a state or federal prison, although AA group in a jail or prison should bers and the 445 groups in mental, ing the fact that American jails are in some states misdemeanants, as keep in mind. It is this: key prison veterans’, tubercular and other hos- places into which little light ever pen- well as felons, are sent to the state personnel understand AA’s aims and pitals with about eleven thousand etrates. Of 3,100 county jails rated prison. There are, however, several have respect for what it has accommembers give me the greatest per- by federal inspectors, 97% were thousand alcoholics in the prisons of plished. Some of them, however, do sonal satisfaction, because of my rated under 60% and 78 under 50 the country and many more thou- not have the same understanding of professional career of 45 years in the on a scale of 100. A California com- sands who are problem drinkers in its methods-the necessity for closed correctional field and my life-long mission, of which I was chairman, one degree or another. meetings, for having AAs conduct interest also in the field of mental rated 33 of the 58 county jails of that the meetings, for non-AA institution In the California prison system, health. progressive state as poor or very officials to resist their natural desire . for example, there are about 24,000 It is perhaps not fair to call these poor, 20 as fair, and only 5 as meet- to take charge, and so on. My advice hospitals “dark corners,” for human- ing the minimum standards set by prisoners, of whom about 3,000 were is that, tactfully but firmly, represenity and modern medical science have the state authorities. convicted of passing bad checks. This tatives of outside AA groups stand brought light and hope into the bleak In most of the county jails of the is only one of several categories of their ground and not permit them- “insane asylums” and the vegetable country, no ameliorating influence of prisoners in whose criminal behavior selves to be forced into abandonment bins for the “incurably ill” of the any sort, no application of either hu- excessive drinking has played a ma- of fundamental procedures. Procepast. manity or science, no effort to sal- jor role. dures and principles are as interde- It is a particularly significant trib- vage the inmates is ever seen, with Of the state and federal prisons pendent as the Twelve Steps and the ute to AA that it is welcomed by the one exception-when AA comes in and adult reformatories in the United Twelve Traditions. They must be administrators and staffs of mental and stays in, although it is usually States, about 200 in number, I do kept inviolate in the prison as well as hospitals to which alcoholics are working under almost insuverable not know of one which does not al- in the free world. committed. They may well welcome handicaps with men and womkn who it. AA, in my opinion, can do more, are hard to reach and hard to hold. by its work inside the hospital and It is in this area that I hope AA after the patient leaves, to increase groups will increase in number and the chances of an alcoholic achiev- in effectiveness. The “street-clean-

July 1963

Well, I was pretty bad off when I serving as an employment agency. got in. I was sick and confused and I felt stronger in AA because it unemployable. I got to the meetings had been forced on me that AA was “How Do I Get a Job?” and let AA seep into my foggy brain. I have a childishly literal mind, and solely for my sobriety. Knowing that AA wasn’t a job agency, or a fairy I took the promises of a better life, godmother, made my membership in and the examples of others’ succes- AA that much more valuable to me. Asked the man in the prison meeting ses, to be guarantees to me of a big Getting rid of the mixed motives job with big money, a brand new car for my membership was good for me. (preferably a snazzy convertible) I had been, I hate to admit, cheapand a pleasant home in the country ening my relationship to AA and the with ten baths and bedrooms to people in it, by demanding things prisoner in the pen said, ster, physically dried-out and due for match. But nothing seemed to hap- of it. T HE “Yeah, AA’s fine but how about getting a job when I’m out? People release in a few days, who was worried stiff about getting back in the pen. I got the whiskey off my breath, but where was the money? But how could I tell all this to a worried youngster in the few minutes don’t like us on the outside.” outside world and desperately seek- Why wasn’t AA the fairy god- left after a closed meeting at the pen? This was a challenge. How could I ing help. Though I knew many AA mother whose magic wand was the I just hope that I was able to say tell this youngster in a short en- sponsors helped their pigeons with answer to all my troubles? enough-that I wanted to share with counter at an AA meeting in the employment problems, and even as- I resented the lack of interest that him my knowledge that AA was for county penitentiary what I had sumed legal responsibility for their people showed in my personal and sobriety alone, and that all else was learned through my own experience? good behavior, it was not standard overwhelming problems. T h e y our responsibility as sober individu- How could I tell him that AA could practice and I could not encourage wouldn’t even lend me money! And als living in the care of the Higher not help him to get a job, but that his this man to count on it. All I could where was the job they so much as Power. I could only say, “Share my membership in AA would make job- say was, “Go to the meetings and promised me? faith with me. Stay sober. Strengthen getting and job-holding something everything will be O.K. We’ll help I was disgusted with this poor per- your sobriety through your enthusihe’d be able to take care of in the you. But we won’t help you where formance. 1 was also sober, at least astic welcome of what AA can give normal course of events? you think you need help most.” physically and a bit reluctantly. you. Strive for progress in AA and I said, “Look. AA is not going to It made me feel like the soup- Being sober made me hungry and and in your sobriety, and many do anything about getting you a job. kitchen missionary who says, “Trust my family was hungry too. So I things can be yours. You will be able That isn’t its business. What we in in the Lord and don’t bother me with started looking for a job. The longer to find the people who can help you AA want to do is to help you get your troubles.” Except that I couldn’t I stayed sober, the better I was able to help yourself, in all the ways in sober and stay sober. We can’t do even offer the guy a bowl of soup. to work at getting that job. So I got which you seek help. You can find anything in the employment field, but Hold on a minute, I said to my- me a job, all by myself. the self-assurance and honest pride we’ll help you as much as we can self. How about when you got in AA? What happened to my resentment? to make you a valued member of our with your sobriety. If you get drunk, What happened then about getting It got washed away by my feeling of society, and of the human race. You you can’t do a thing-if you stay a job? Did anybody in AA help you pride that I was able to get my own will find peace and fulfillment, in sober, you can do all the things you and did you feel that AA had let you job, without anyone helping me as God’s sight.” should do, on your own.” down when nobody in the group got a personal favor or because AA was J . S., Bedford Hills, N . Y . He was a healthy-looking young- you a job?

August 1963

and was so proud of was, in a way, .the beginning of my return trip to prison as a violator and possibly more charges later on that will gain me a “new number” and more time here. Being so damn cocksure of myself and the progress that I was making, I began to make AA a sec- All those friends whom I had made ondary thing in my new life on the in the many bars and nightclubs that streets. No, my trouble wasn’t the I had visited and drank in-they are “gay night life” or the “pretty girls” gone now. The “good times” are a who seem to hang around all the memory, all that is left are a lot of bars waiting for “Hoosiers” like me broken hearts and more time to The Parole Violator to show up, for I didn’t touch an alcoholic drink until that fatal night serve. The hardest part is before me now, that of beginning again. when the lid flipped. I forgot that I The Fourth Step is becoming was on parole. more and more a big factor in my The story of a man with great courage-and hope Things began to crowd me, things AA program and I must never forthat I had piled up on myself, the get that all important First Step

J UST a matter of three months ago, “Yours Truly” went out into society (“free world” as they call it enough meetings to suit me. Night after night found me driving here and there over the Denver area. many responsibilities that I accepted and wasn’t ready for yet, the many favors that others wanted done and again! Admission and personal inventory-those are the key words to working this program and when here) to live that long dreamed of Then, 1 found myself missing these that required my AA meeting time. any alcoholic loses sight of this fact, life-that of a free man, a useful meetings and telling myself that I So, fool that I am and always will then he may as well quit trying to citizen in society again. With me, I just couldn’t be expected to attend be, I did neglect AA and the meet- work the program for he is defeattook my eight years plus of AA, its so many. From five meetings a week ings. The term of “chicken” that ing his own purpose-that of overteachings and philosophy, the ex- I slipped to maybe one or two at the people hung on me when I would coming alcoholism-fooling himself, perience of hearing of other’s fail- most; I began to find excuses as to refuse a drink, became just a little no one else. The sincere AA memures and successes, and a firm why I couldn’t attend. “Too tired harder to take and finally I, in a ber who is working and living the resolution that I was not going to be tonight” or “Something has come weak moment, said “The hell with AA program, can spot a phony a one of the failures. Not me. up” or “I have a busy day tomor- it” and so here I sit, back in this mile away, (wonder how many Yet, here I am, back inside these row and I have to get to bed early,” damn cell, wondering what really spotted me?) and yet it is not his grey walls, practically in the same and so on. happened. My first and only drunk place to tell him or work his procell, and on the same job that 1 be- A lot of people were telling me in nine years, the one that put me gram for him. AA is therc for thosc gan my prison term on nine years what a wonderful job 1 was doing here, was a dandy, as the boys and who sincerely want it and seek it out. ago. What happened? I know, but in AA and bragged on my progress girls around the bars say. This was my folly: I ceased to it’s hard to admit. I simply allowed and it went to my ego-seeking head. The rest is a matter of record seek it out and thought that AA myself to become too complacent Sure, I had started from scratch and now. I am back in prison, I have a owed me something! Now, I am and too self-satisfied with my AA. in two months owned my car, a lot of checks to make good, a lot of trying once again. I pray God that The first few weeks I was out in the new truck and, of all things, a small faith to restore in those who had this time it will work, or rather, that “world” again, I couldn’t attend bank account. But all that I gained trust in me, and I must begin again. I will work. There is so much in the

Big Book that I missed before be- fired on me. The tragic part of the cause I was too busy being a “wheel” whole thing is that not only am 1 a and fooling myself. How long I will victim of my foolishness but there be here this time depends on those are those who trusted and believed who direct our future, but you can in me who are hurt, too. A broken bet on this: I will work it and live home, shattered dreams of marriage, it, regardless of the wisecracks and children who learned to love me, an smart remarks that are passed my employer who gave me that “one way because I am back here and chance,” the parole officer who bent back into the AA program; I am over backwards to help me, and the the one who has to live my life, good, decent and wonderful friends they don’t and, as it has been stated who fed and clothed me and gave me so many times in the meetings lately, shelter while I was getting on my 1 must grow up! feet-those are the ones who are I must begin again, and with AA really hurt by all this. as my foundation, my loved ones This time, it has to work, I must who are encouraging me to try really get with it and make it work! again and the hand of fellowship Life is too short and too precious to that has been extended to me by the give it to the state to use in this usevery same AA members whom I less merry-go-round of nothingness failed. I know that I will and can that they choose to call “punishbegin again. No more excuses, nor ment.” looking for someone to lay the Begin again, that is my goal. I blame on, just plain honesty is going never want to “finish” on this proto work now. gram, but I want to be always in the The first night back here was the throes of learning, for never in this hardest night that I have ever had in world or the next will any alcoholic prison. Lying on my bed, I began “graduate” in his task of overcomto take “inventory” and ask myself ing alcoholism. Certainly this alco- “Why?” I knew (but didn’t want to holic won’t, as I have so soundly admit it to myself) I was a phony found out. Admission and inventory when I went out of here trying to and a willingness to help yourself, “bull” myself through the various are the keys to success. AA groups and, as a result, it back- S. S., Colo.

A p r i l 1964

AA behind bars From Prince Albert, Saskatchewan: AA has truly reached maturity in prison and is now embarked upon the greatest adventure of all: opening the door of opportunity to all inmates who have a sincere desire to seek a new way of life. A deeper understanding of their own personal problems, irrespective of what that problem may be; a philosophy that, if one elects to accept and follow it, may well hold the key for future inner peace and happiness; sobriety and honesty and, above all, companionship and a fellowship while in prison that can only reap goodness. R. W.

May 1964

job of trying to become a better for me. Now I live for today, and person. To make the changes neces- try to do my best today and thank sary for me to live a sober life is a God for today. I cannot be anylifetime job that will never be over thing but grateful for the time given .for me as long as 1 live. God gives me to learn to walk along this new me the courage and AA gives me road, without the temptation of the knowledge. drinking. In the meantime, I have Wisdom to know the difference. learned how blessed I am. I have. I ask for constant guidance to go sobriety, a priceless gift, and AA to along with the new sense of values help me keep it – 1 feel I belong 1 have obtained. AA teaches me in AA, where I can be understood, the difference between what is right and can try to understand. I Had to Accept Prison and wrong for me as an alcoholid. I am always one drink away from a Someday, 1 will go into the free world again, and I will have some- ,

drunk. I have a special need for a thing to take with me. I will have But I found a freedom in the gift o f living pattern to live by. This has been my sobriety and the hope that I given me in the Twelve Steps and can help other alcoholics as I’ve O M E months ago, I attended my and listened to speakers. They were time will show me how to use this been helped. I would like to share S first AA meeting; the conditions weren’t exactly pleasant for I hapsober and happy. For the first time in my life, I experienced the sense knowledge through AA. There is no more fear or despair this wonderful gift which God has granted me -the gift of living. pen to be in a state prison. I was of belonging, and hope grew that in my life. A way has been opened Anonymous, Westfield State Farm completely defeated. Trying AA I, too, could stay sober and be was my last hope; somehow I had happy about it. Sobriety became my to find out if they could help me goal, and where I learned how to for I knew and had at last admitted stay sober was no,longer important. to myself that I couldn’t stay sober Courage to change the things I alone. I don’t remember very much cun. Bars, fences or steel doors do about the meeting except a sign not make a prison, for my mind is with the Serenity Prayer on it and free. I have lived in a prison of my a few remarks which the chairman own making for quite a few years. made. AA has brought me mental free- She said, “If you’ve come here dom, reminded me that I have the for help with your drinking prob- gift of free will and shown me how lem, you’ll find it.” I sat there and to use this gift towards maintaining memorized the prayer that night. sobriety. What can I change but God grant me the serenity to ac- myself? I need to look back honcept the things I cannot change. For estly over the years and see what days this was the constant plea in I have become. I need courage to my heart and mind. To stop fight- be honest with myself and see mying the fact that I am an alcoholic self as I really am, drunk o r sober. and in prison. I went to meetings I need courage to undertake the

June 1964

Parolee AA Don in to the regular Monday night From Honolulu, Hawaii: meetings at the prison. He is the The We Care Group (sometimes FIRST ONE that we have ever been referred to as the Parolee Group) is able to take into the prison as an exheld each Friday afternoon at the ample that this program does work. Parole office for the sole purpose of We have a sign made by one of letting parolees from Hawaii State the inmates out of a scrap of mon- Prison get acquainted with outside keypod wood, in the shape of a members of AA and to learn to ac- crescent moon. He apologized for cept the haoles as just some other drunks. This group started because Don and myself felt that maybe if these parolees had a chance to mingle with “their own” they would feel more free in attending meetings. Don is twenty-seven, has been sober two years and eight months with one year of that in Hawaii State Prison, where I first met him. Miracles have happened since that time. the fact that he had to use the Also, the Hawaii State Prison scraps and I said, “Johnny, maybe has seen all of the failures return that is real appropriate for this behind the walls, but after two years group, for we have to take the of waiting I was finally able to take scraps we have left and build our new lives with these.” Now when Johnny comes out of camp in about eight months, he has his own meeting and sign to come to. M. H. T.

July 1964

I SLIPPED BACK TO PRISON “It has been about a month now since you went to your last A A meeting . . . you think you have it all figured out.” ferent kind of alcoholic. Even as As you drink, the thought flashes you look back through the last through your mind of how wonders you step through the open a man and a woman conversing; A door and hesitate in the dim light, the fetid odor of stale beer little nervous spasm twitch the sides of their faces. On your right twenty years of your life and see the wreckage, you believe this. And you still believe it even while refully you’ve done in the last nine months -it’s phenomenal, you think. Only nine months out of and wine bums your nostrils. It’s is that bewhiskered guy again in a membering not only the misery and prison, and you’ve successfully always the same, a stench you pair of threadbare flannel slacks, dissolution that booze brought you, started a business that is expanding imagine will linger long after the wearing a grimy white shirt. but the debris of heartaches and sor- so fast it’s a real hustle to keep up place is gone and the last dust par- It’s always the same scene,, the row it has caused other people. But with it. You have a relatively new ticles have finally settled. In one same place. You remember being you’re older and wiser now. You car (paid for), money in the bank, quick glance your eyes photograph a part of this picture once yourself, have cleverly calculated that your and a wonderful girl. Since being the small interior; the scene hasn’t but it’s absurd to think of ever be- own inward strength will be enough associated with Alcoholics Anony- . changed. ing reduced to such nothingness to insure you against any recur- mous you have made so many The squawking jukebox seems to again. rence of the past. No, you do not friends; you think of how wonderful rattle out the same forlorn tune as It has been almost a month now need AA any longer; you feel that everything has bccome. Yes, the always; holed up in a booth next since you went to your last AA you can play the finale of the drama final act of the drama is to reap the to it, oblivious to the blaring noise, meeting; since then you think you all by yourself. have it all figured out. Sure, you laurels of happiness and serenity is the same woman with thin, The bartender shuffles up to you, that you had always dreamed of. stringy, dirty-looking hair. As you still admit to being an alcoholic. and it’s the same nondescript face The business you have come into walk toward the bar, you see the You even confess you’ll always be that you have spoken to so many one, except that now you have town for is all cleared up, so you familiar, burned-out face of a man times before. “How ’bout a bottle of cannot think of any reason why you nursing a small glass of amber wine. methodically and logically conbeer?” you ask. should not sit for a while longer and On your left as you sit down are ceived the idea that you’re a dif-

drink another one. You even think was a guy who had sworn he would the bank. I even sold my car to cosmos of light, beauty and happiof the devil lurking, in its golden not allow himself to be reduced to keep drinking. Finally, my girl had ness. It’s also one that does not depths, but the thought doesn’t stop a nothingness again. gotten disgusted. From rags to want the likes of me in it because you from asking for another. And My slip began as I’ve described, riches and back to rags, or from the ugly world that I’ve forged for why should it -after all, you’re an in one of the mangiest bars on skid misery to serenity and back to myself out of a bottle is not haralcoholic aren’t you? It’s just as row. As a result of having a little misery again. It’s the perennial tale monious with its own standards. natural as breathing that you’ll ask money saved, and wanting to be a of alcoholism; the end result of As my continual drinking sucked for that second one, and it’s also big wheel too, I immediately pro- stupidity: a story that has been told me deeper and deeper into it, the just as certain that there will be gressed to the more site and cost- since time immemorial by people members of AA gave me their many more to follow. You catch lier places. I was trying to play a like me, and one that will continue hands and said, “Here, grab hold the attention of the nondescript part, the big spender; so it only took to be told by other alcoholics. and we’ll help you out.” They not face again, “How ’bout another me a couple months before I was Night after night I’ve lain in my only pulled me free from the darkbeer, bartender?” It shouldn’t take broke and scrounging around the bunk until the early hours of morn- ness in which I had been floundervery many more before you’ll be bottom of the heap again. Once ing and asked myself the same ing, but they showed me a way to inhaling whiskey like it was going down there, it wasn’t long before question over and over. “What h a p the life that I had dreamed about out of style. Yes, you’re on your my parole officer saw fit to revoke pened- what brought me back becoming a part of for so long. I way now. It’s like nuclear fission. my parole and remove me from here?” I continually came up with was given the same Big Book, the Whatever follows now is just the society. the same answers each time, too. same tools to work with that are . inevitable chain reaction. . . . Upon my return to prison I had But then, all the answers are in the given to everyone else in Alcoholics 1 was one who had thought it im- absolutely nothing left, no more book of Alcoholics Anonymous, so Anonymous. The only thing that possible that anything like this business that I. had worked so hard it was no great tax on my own in- differed was our respective use of would ever happen again to me. I to get started, no more money in telligence to figure things out. them. Even with my half-hearted Chapter Five tells us that “there are efforts though, they still reaped me those that cannot or will not give a way of life I had never known themselves to this simple program.” before, and one that became more It also tells us that “half-way meas- productive with each passing day. ures availed us nothing.” When the The endless wonders never’ ceased cap popped off the top of that first to unfold until I sold out for a jug bottle I was already on my way of booze -and another cell. “Halfback, and I took that first drink be- way measures availed us nothing.” cause I heeded too lightly the pru- 1 now believe those words lie at dence of those few simple words. the foundation of every alcoholic’s Almost twenty years of my life continued sobriety, and that if the have been wasted as a result of pillars of serenity are erected on the drinking, and I have intermittently shifting sand of reservations such chalked up ten years of that behind as minc, then everything I have bars. Looking out from this cell built will inevitably come tumbling block is like peering through a fun- down. The hand of AA is outnel, and seeing a completely dii- stretched to anyone who wants it; ferent world evolving all around me this time I’m hanging on. at the other end. It’s a magnificent Anon., Sun Quentin

September 1964

Carrying the message From Glasgow, Scotland: I never thought that some day I would be invited to have a cup of tea with the Governor of Barlinnie Prison. But it happened. Assembled in the Prison Chapel were over eighty prisoners together with the Governor, two of the Chaplains, one of the doctors and several of the Prison staff. Also present were eight members of AA. Three spoke very briefly of their history and how AA had helped them to solve their drinking problem. One of the speakers was an ex-inmate, another was a doctor and the third a businessman. The audience listened with great interest to all that was said, and after the meeting the AA members together with some of the staff were invited to a cup of tea in the Governor’s Room and much questioning went on for over an hour by the staff. It is fully realized that alcoholism is an illness in its own right and as such should receive medical treatment if necessary. All the staff of Barlinnie from the Governor downwards have been most cooperative and we who go there regularly wish to put on record our grateful thanks for all their help and especially to the Governor for giving AA the opportunity to “carry the message to the suffering alcoholic.” G. G.

November 1964

ing. By then I was hooked on booze, out of the mess, but I could not see and pills of every kind-some to that I had anything to gain by s t o p . put me to sleep, some to wake me ping drinking. 1 had no education, up. I didn’t work. I think that I no trade. Why sober up and face worked, in all, for about one year pick and shovel work? And there’d of my first thirty-eight. There’s a be no chance of getting my wife lot more I would like to say about back. However, in this mood, I still You, Too, Can Come Back what happened to me and what I did, but 1 lack the schooling to kept coming to AA, and I am glad I did, because I now have had three make it come out right. Anyway, sober years. And I have a trade. I let me tell you how it ended. declared myself a camp cook, and A drunk at 12, jailed at 16, When my wife left, I got worse. I have done pretty well since then. I thought I was hopeless I would drink for about two weeks, and then if the cops hadn’t picked I have a car and get around all over Ontario and meet a lot of AA me up, I’d turn myself in. In and members. I like best working with out. In and out. I had the DTs four the prison group. times. In AA there is no Point of No along with the best of the boozers. In 1055 1 was shown the AA way Kcturn. D. M., Tinrmins, Ont. I READ the Grapevine pretty nearly every month, but don’t see many stories like mine. I thought that if I At the age of sixteen 1 had my first trip to jail. At that, 1 was saved wrote mine down, it might help from reform school many times bcsomebody else whose experiences fore this because my father wouldn’t are along the same line. If not, well, hear of it, God bless him. it will help me! I spent the better part of the next At the end of my drinking I fig- fourteen years in jails, from the ured I was at the Point of No Re- police stations to Kingston pen. I turn. I looked back over a whole would stop at nothing to get booze. life of drinking and trouble. I was In 1948, 1 put two and two toraised in an alcoholic home, and gether. I realized I was spending all was given drinks as a kid. I just my time in jail. And a gang I was kept on drinking. I was an unhappy hanging around with told me I was child; it seems to me now that my crazy to get in so much trouble. I parents could not express their love was good-looking enough, they said, for me. They took me with them to get a girl to supply me with booze everywhere they went, but they let it money. I followed their advice for be known that the reason was that six months, but then I met a young I was a devil and could not be left girl I really cared for-I still d o with the other children. At school and I got married. I was also a devil. By the time I Do 1 need to tell you? After about was twelve no school would have five years, my wife finally decided me. By then I was drinking right there was no hope of my ever chang-

January 1 9 6 5

Florida A young inmate and A A member reports on progress

present there are twenty-five zens from the surrounding area. contributed most to the change in As a result of AA I have learned A T successful AA groups in Florida correctional institutions, with a Many of these people drive as far as a hundred miles so they may my character. The fact that I to face reality as a man. I am sure learned to believe in a Power greater I can, in the future, return and admembership of over 600 inmates. I share in our common problem (al- than myself was, I think, the most just to society as a desirable citizen. personally attribute this program’s coholism) and objective (rehabilita- important factor in my rehabilita- Alcoholics Anonymous, if propsuccess to the serene unity an inmate tion). Because they share their own tion. erly presented in prisons may well be can find in Alcoholics Anonymous. strength and hope with us, we have Another important step in the AA the answer to an old, old need. And with unity, there is also under- learned to trust and respect these program is the taking of a searching, Once this program’s success is standing. Having someone under- people. fearless, moral inventory of oneself. made known to penologists it will, stand one’s needs, desires and ambi- I am only twenty-two years of age Once a person can see himself clear- 1 am sure, be favored by all prison tions is, perhaps, an inmate’s great- and have been incarcerated at six ly he can, with help, remold his way systems. est need. different institutions in this state for of life. Anon. Another contributing factor which well over a fourth of my life. The plays an important role in this pro- various crimes for which I have been gram’s success is the fact that the convicted range from armed robbery Division of Corrections (the prison to petty thievery. At present, I am department) not only cooperates but sewing a sentence of not less than also encourages the program. More six months, nor more than fifteen important, it is a policy of the Flor- years, for armed robbery. ida Parole Commission to recom- Ironic as it may sound, for the mend Alcoholics Anonymous to a first time in my life I am experiencman being released upon parole ing peace of mind. I feel this great who has in the past had a drinking change in my life is due to Alcoproblem. holics Anonymous. I have, truly, Our prison AA group, here at found a new way of life through this Deland, plays host to eighteen dif- program. ferent AA groups made up of citi- Perhaps you are wondering what

February 1 9 6 5

until my youngest son, fourteen years old at the time, made arrangements for me to go to an AA meeting. His advice started me off on this new life. When my boy took me to that first AA meeting, I was so sick I wanted

/ to die. But I did take away from that meeting the First Step- I was powerless over alcohol and my life THE POWER was unmanageable. That stuck to of other prisoners, I noticed a wom- me. I stayed with my fine, new-made OF career my wife had suggested I take an coming along in the other direc- friends in the Hazel Park AA group, and I thank God that I can also say a trip to Montreal, where we both tion with a detective. She stopped in PRAYER had plenty of relatives. What my wife didn’t know then was that I front of me and said, “Oh, John.” It was Mary, my alcoholic sister. I am still with the same group, keep ing active. I

had just hit the races for quite a lot I had been one of thirteen; there As I progressed in AA I learned of money. I ducked her and the chil- wkre five brothers and seven sisters. how to pray to my Higher Power. dren, at the station to see me off, NOW,when a fellow has seven sis- I could not forget my sister and our

I HAVE been a member of AA for the last sixteen years, sixteen wonderful years of sane living. And long enough to get a fifth, and when I had drunk it and arrived in Montreal, I passed up all the relatives ters, you can’t reasonably expect all of them to be saints, but my sister Mary had been one for sure. Howlast meeting, so every day and night I prayed for the Lord to open up the way for her. I have learned through AA that – and went to stay in a hotel where I ever, this is what happened to Mary. I heard that Mary had married sooner or later -a man must put could play big shot. I remember two She never took a drink until after again and moved to Toronto. Her his faith in a Higher Power. days of drinking. Then I was in- she was married (she was twenty- new husband did not drink; he was, Let me tell a bit of my story. I vited to a party on my floor, and that nine in fact, when she did), but she in fact, on the verge of divorcing her ‘ was born in Glasgow, Scotland, in is the last I remember. Total black- was on skid row in five years, div- when a grocer told him about AA 1897. When I was quite young my out. orced and friendless. When I would and gave him a phone number. He family moved to Montreal, Quebec. I woke up in the psycho ward of ask my other brothers and sisters called for help. Mary got to a meet- I enlisted in the Canadian Army in Bordeaux jail. There were thirty or about her, I never got an answer. ing, and the First Step got her. 1914, went overseas, and was in ac- so other prisoners, including two She was dead and gone as far as they Oh, what a miracle! Now Mary tive service in France from 1915 to lifers, locked in the ward with two were concerned. has been sober eleven years. On her the end of the war in 1918. I learned prison guards, isolated from the I couldn’t stop to speak to Mary first sober Christmas, she called me. how to drink in those army days, other prison personnel. there in the courthouse corridor; I I danced for joy, and was on my way and I think I was an alcoholic by the I prayed the old alcoholic prayer: had to go along with the other pris- to Toronto to see her as fast as I time I was discharged. “Get me out of this jam.” Through oners. I can’t explain now how I could go. When we met there, we I married a fine girl, who is still an army friend of mine and a few felt. I couldn’t and didn’t mention it went to an AA meeting. That night, with me, thank God, and moved to bucks, I was released on condition then to my wife or any of the family I talked on the power of prayer and Detroit. And I drank. And I kept on that I pay the hotel for the damage when I got home. how it had worked for my sister and drinking to the point where my wife I caused, leave town and not return. After that, for me, it was down, me. What a revelation it has been! and family gave up on me. On the way out of the courthouse down, down, with never an upturn, I . M.,Oak Park, Mich. At one point in my drinking to freedom, still chained to a number I

J u n e 1965

lose by traveling this road. My road, tance was less than a hundred-andas I see it now,, was paved with fifty miles. Down the Wrong Road bright lights, people who wanted the A year after my discharge, I same excitement that I was looking married a girl whom I had known for. Friends who talked my kind of for many years. The first couple of language and would share my joy, years were wonderful. Then the but wanted no part of my sorrows. children started coming and my I left high school in my senior drinking had advanced to the point But there can be year, once again running from the that I would black out for a few right road. I worked on a farm, but hours, forgetting where I had been, I soon realized that this was not the or what I had done. I forgot the a change o f position I was looking for as the job fact that I was now a father and a was time consuming and left little husband with responsibilities and direction even in time for drinking. A few months obligations, not only to my family later, dissatisfied with farm work, I but to the community as well. My joined the Army. 1 found the Army wife had sued for divorce twice, and a prison cell was a haven for my drinking esca- each time we would settle our pades. I now had no fear of my marital problems with my promise family finding out about my drink- to quit drinking and straighten up. ing. I had now approached the point Up to this point I had had some and I can see the trees on the side on this road where I had no prob- twenty-eight jobs in a little over of the mountain. I have watched the lems. I had a roof over my head, seven years. I had also one brief snow melt from God’s earth. I have plenty to eat and a constant supply sojourn in the psycho ward of the seen the buds spring out upon the of booze. Through the various ac- Veterans Hospital. trees, and now in just a few short tivities of Army life, I somehow I was now at the point of no reweeks the leaves will once again managed to stay out of trouble. Ap- turn. No one could talk to me. I turn to such beautiful colors. From proximately a year after I entered the wanted to be left alone. My marthese wonders of nature I am but a Army, the Korean war started, so riage was drawing to a close. At few short feet. Why? Well, I traveled in order to avoid approaching one time my wife sued for desertion one of the two roads – right and trouble over my drinking sprees, 1 and non-support. A friend of ours wrong. I was given a choice as a volunteered. In Korea I started talked to her, and then came to me. youngster to decide which road in downhill on this road that I had He asked, “Tom, do you think that life I would travel. As I see it now, chosen. Little did 1 know that I you have a drinking problem?” r this time I am confined in the A State House of Correction and Branch Prison, Marquette, Michimy foolish, immature mind chose the wrong road. I took my first drink at the age would be traveling this road for some fourteen years to come. I somehow managed to get My answer to this was, “Yes! I don’t have any money to buy booze with, and that certainly is a gan. The crime for which I am now of thirteen and thus commenced my through my hitch in the Army, and problem!” serving time was committed in or- life of drinking and lying. My drink- was finally discharged with an hon- He then suggested that I accomder to enable me to obtain money ing problem started that day, at that orable discharge and a large sum pany him along with his wife to an so that I could remain in a constant moment. 1 had no idea of the broken of money. The money was gone be- AA meeting. I agreed. They had alstate of drunkenness. hearts, the tears that were to be shed fore I ever reached home. The dis- ready convinced my wife to do the . . 1 am in my cell lying on my bed, or of the sincere friends I was to

communications between my wife the bridges behind me. It was the money became necessary. Fortunsame. I admitted that night that I and me. I continued to drink fre- last of September,, 1961. As I was ately I was arrested before the situhad a drinking problem. But here, putting my clothes in the car, my ation really got out of hand. Eightytoo, I was not honest with myself. quently, staying away from home two or three days at a time. I would son, who was then three years old, seven days after I was arrested, I The motive behind this admittance go and come as I pleased. I began was standing at the garage door cry- received a two-year probation senwas to have my wife take me back, to accuse my wife of doing all sorts ing, and I too was crying. I believe tence. But even this I did not appreand drop all court proceedings, of things. The final blow came to this day that he understood just ciate. Just twelve weeks later I was which she did. when I accused her of having an what was happening. I have not seen once again in jail, only this time I We attended AA meetings every affair with a friend of mine. By this my son or my daughters since. was to receive two-and-a-half- to Sunday evening and made many time I was mentally sick and tor- I still continued to drink day and fourteen years in prison. Upon ennew friends. It wasn’t long until I started to resent the fact that I was tured by self-pity and remorse. I night. It wasn’t long before I was tering prison I was both scared sick decided that suicide was the answer broke. I know now that this is no and actually sick. I am five feet staying sober for my wife and chilto all my problems. After taking problem to the alcoholic who wants eight and 1 weighed at that time dren. My new-found sobriety lasted what I thought was a sufficient a drink. It was no problem for me one-hundred and thirty-nine pounds. four months. I was to be an usher amount of pills, I became scared either. I had in my possession a After completing a period of at my sister-in-law’s wedding on a that I was going to die and turned checkbook, no money in the bank, quarantine I was classified for one Saturday. The Friday before the wedding, I went fishing after work. myself in at the county hospital in fact, no bank. But I no longer of the Honor Camps as a trusty. I where I explained what I had done. cared. Booze was now, as it had again took an active part in the AA I felt real good. Eight hours later I program. But once again, I was was drunk. I arrived home Monday After a brief stay in the hospital, my been for a long time, the important patents came and I was released in factor in my life. shooting the anglks. My stay in morning to learn that I had lost my job and my sister-in-law’s friend- their care. I ventured across the state of camp lasted five months. Another A few days later, I decided that I Michigan like a millionaire, cash- inmate and I found something to ship. This last spree broke down all might just as well leave and burn all ing checks whenever the need for drink and, while drinking, decided

that it was time for a ‘brush-parole.’ that is available to us. I thirst now, My new life as a fugitive lasted not for booze, but for the knowledge forty-six days. I was apprehended of His will and the power to carry on December 31, 1962, for va- that out. For the first time in my grancy, and later found to be wanted life, 1 freely admit that I am an for car theft. I received a one-year alcoholic and that my life certainly sentence for car theft from a Fed- has been unmanageable up to this eral judge. Upon entering Federal point. Today, I am on a new superprison, I once again joined the AA highway with my Higher Power, program. Nine months later, I re- whom I choose to call God, in the ceived my discharge, and was taken driver’s seat. I pray every day for to the county jail to await transpor- Him to stay in the driver’s seat. tation back to Michigan. While Why have I written this article waiting in jail, I was offered a bottle concerning my life? The Twelfth of wine for a pretty good price. I Step tells us to carry the message. had to make a decision. What to do? Just maybe, somewhere, someplace, I bought the bottle. The next morn- someone will read this and from my ing the sheriff placed me in solitary mistakes save him- or herself the confinement. When a person can’t grief that I have not only caused stay out of trouble in jail, how in myself but others as well. Today, all heaven’s name can he hope to do 1 want to do is start living and enit in society? joying life as it is and can be ‘ Yes, I am once again in the AA through the use of this program. I program here in Marquette. For know now that even I can lead a some reason that I cannot as yet sober and happy life doing that explain, it means something now, which I know best: helping other whereas before there was always an alcoholics to find what for so long angle. There are no angles now. The eluded me – sobriety, serenity and meetings have taken on a new mean- contentment. ing, too. I read all the literature T . B., Murquetfe, Mich.

March 1966

On parole From Santa Barbara, Calif. : I just got out of you know where. I am on parole, but very happy. I had a fine AA sponsor to help me. She is very well liked in A A and outside too. Mr. Strum, the parole officer, has a high regard for her. 1 am home with my husband and he is so happy that he won’t let me out of his sight; says he can’t believe 1 am really there. We will attend AA meetings together. He says he never wants a drink as long as he lives, if the hellish stuff will take me away from him. He hasn’t had a drink for three months. All of us have so much to be thankful for, when we find a helping hand like AA. They all understand how one feels, being in the same spot as far as liquor is concerned. M. S.

April 1 9 6 6

explaining what we in AA refer to and had I been so charged, I too, as a blackout, would have had to say, “I cannot For ten days he tried diligently to tell you I didn’t shoot a policeman, convince the jury of these facts. It run over a small child, or any of took another three days for the jury many other things I wouldn’t norto decide his case. When they filed mally do, because I don’t know.” MURDER IN A BLACKOUT back into the courtroom from their That story of the victim of an upstairs deliberation chamber their alcoholic blackout does not have a countenances showed doubt and de- happy ending, but today another A reporter covers a trial nial. They had refused to accept his chapter has been written and while admission of alcoholism as a disease he is not nearly so fortunate as I that might have been his own and for that they sentenced him to have been, the admission of alcohang by the neck until dead on the holism has now been accepted by crude, but very effective gallows in some. So, after spending a year in an ancient limestone warehouse at that crucible of hate known as RECENT experience in the regu- Kansas State penitentiary. Death Row, he was granted a new A lar line of my work as a newspaper reporter served as a shocking car. The drunk allegedly stepped to the side of the vehicle and without question or comment leveled a .38 As that sentence was pronounced an indescribable feeling came over trial by the Supreme Court and while the first-degree murder conreminder of the good fortune that is caliber revolver and shot one of the me for I, too, had admitted those viction was upheld, his sentence was ours in this great AA Fellowship. officers directly between the eyes, same things. I had admitted the very reduced to life in prison. When 1 arrived at AA some years killing him. (The man’s guilt or in- same things to myself before a panel I have wondered many times durago, sick in mind, body and soul, I nocence is another matter and not of my peers and unlike his sentence ing those legal proceedings and was told that the sole responsibility the point 1 wish to make here.) mine was to a life of sobriety. since, just how many of our esfor accepting the fact I was afflicted For ten days we sat in that dimly I was shocked into a state of near timated 350,000 members can rewith this disease of alcoholism lighted, somber courtroom flanked fear during the closing arguments of member a morning of the past rested with me. I was told that if by a jury box accommodating a the trial when the accused stood be- when, if they had been taken before I accepted it fully my family and panel of twelve of the accused’s fore the jury box and with faltering a similar panel of their peers, they friends would accept it also without peers. For ten days he, by his own voice said, “I cannot tell you I too would have had to say, “I can’t questions. This information carried testimony and through his attorney, didn’t shoot that .38 caliber re- tell you I didn’t do it – I .don’t very little import for me at the time. tried to convince the court of many volver point blank into the head of know.” However since that time I have of the same things I had told my the policeman from a distance of 1 wonder too, after witnessing learned the true worth of that long- peers in that small AA club room a about two feet. I can’t tell you that, such a real-life drama, if our grastanding principle. few years earlier. because I don’t know!” titude for the grace of sobriety I recently sat in a courtroom He told the jury that when he My mind went back to the count- through AA runs as deep as it where a man was being tried for started drinking he was unable to less mornings when I was racked should. first-degree murder. Evidence dis- quit, short of trouble of a serious with the fear of yesterday’s unknown J . H . E., Kansas City, Kans. closed that the man had been drink- nature. He also told them that he ing heavily for several days and at was guilty of doing things when an early morning hour he was ac- under the influence of liquor which costed by two policemen in a patrol he could not recall. He was in effect

July 1966

bad happened to me. I was a silent holic fog. I dropped my friends, A n alcoholic’s o w n story suffering martyr, and naturally I neglected my appearance and slowneeded more to drink to console ly slid to a lower-class environment. my suffering soul. My initiative was gone, nothing When my husband finally in- mattered but my drinking. formed me that he was getting a After two years I was arrested divorce because he wanted to re- again and put on probation. I had M y Name I s Ramona marry, I started in earnest to pur- spent seventeen days in, jail. My sue my downward slide. I couldn’t job was gone, I couldn’t find anface up to the fact that I was really I other, bills piled up, more and more ousted, a cast-off. problems arose. I groveled in self- Alcohol solved the whole prob- pity and resentment. At last, driven lem. The more I drank the more I into a corner, with no money and STEPPED into the little bare our community, my conscience re- decided to prove to him that he no help, my fear became blinding I room, the door closed behind me and I heard the lock slip into place. volted against my freedom of actions. My doubts arose and with was giving up what other men and I burst forth in a final selfwanted. My morals became disgust- destructive act of violence. I ating. I drank at night and awoke to tempted to steal. I was caught in It was the first of many times that I them an increase in drinking. would hear a door lock behind me, I tried to blame my guilt on oth- guilt; I suddenly found myself a the act. closing me off from the rest of the ers. My family was at fault, my very pious drunk. I prayed for After twenty-seven days in which husband was to blame, my friends humility and drank for forwardness. I had blindly gone through court , world. I was unwanted, alone, lost were bad influences. If they had I prayed for virtue and drank for proceedings, and the filing by my and afraid. I was a prisoner in a done things differently my security frecdom of morals. I prayed for a ex-husband for custody of our child woman’s state prison. and way of life would not have been good job and home and drank for I was transferred from county jail, This was the end of the slowly disrupted. I soon found that my a release from responsibility. to state prison. I faced eighteen degrading slide I had taken in the guilt complex could not be eased by The beginning of the end came months to five years within the enpursuit of the ever necessary “one blaming others, only when I drank when I was locked in jail over night closing confines of prison. I was no and my driver’s license taken for longer just a drunk and a failure, I . more drink.” My slide, like every other alco- was I able to feel free. My guilt holic’s, was constructed of self- became worse and at last I vowed I drunk driving. I left court reformed, was now a prisoner, without rights pity, resentment, guilt and fear; its would change. I became a hypo- I vowed that my life in the future or identity. My life was done, there ultimate goal, self-destruction. crite. I hid behind an assumed role would be different. was no future, nothing but lone- I began the one-way ride as a of religion. I tried to become God- For a while I did change, but my liness and fear. social drinker, relaxing after work like only to find myself more con- loss of transportation brought about I could not face it, I regressed. I with friends, because I had to ease fused. In my confusion I drank ncw problems and I knew only one hid from the world and reality. I my way through the aftermath of a more and my drink-clouded brain way to solve problcms. I turned did what I was told without thought broken marriage. After several gave me my answer. Everyone in- oncc more to the bottle. or feeling. 1 worked and slept and . months of separation I began to cluding God was to blame for my Drinking was now a necessity for ate. date but found myself feeling guilty. troubles. survival, I had nothing else to cling I was told to attend AA classes. After having been married to one My guilt now had a new bed to. My job and home life began to I went and I listened but I did not man for thirteen years, having partner – self-pity. I had tried to suffer. When I sobered up I couldn’t understand. They talked of God borne his child, and worked with be a humble, virtuous person hut face the mess I was causing. It was and self-inventory and said to turn him to build a respectable place in God had let me down. Everything easier to stay hidden in an alco- your life over to a “Greater Power.”

I admitted I needed help but I had afraid-afraid of being alone, afraid What was I feeling sorry for? – it did no good to worry about them. already tried God and He hadn’t of the future, afraid of the past, but my life was what I had made it. No 1 had to live for now, the future given me help. now I had no bottle to drown my one had forced me to do anything I would take care of itself when it They said to admit your wrong- fears in. At the AA meetings I re- hadn’t wanted to, except me. Who came. doings. I did, but I wasn’t all to membered them talking about turn- could I resent? My family? They I found that once I accepted my blame, my faults were the outcome ing our lives over to a Power greater weren’t perfect perhaps, but then I present life it wasn’t really as bad of what others had done to me. than ourselves. This then might be hadn’t given them much in return as I had thought. I found new inter- They discussed resentments and my answer. I sure wasn’t able to for what they had given me. They ests and new friends. I was able to ego. Of course I had resentments. do anything by myself. My nerves ‘were living with my shame and had sleep without nightmares and do I had lost everything, my family were shot, my thinking confused. lived with it as much as I had. a day’s work without complaint. had turned against me – all be- My whole life revolved in a never Could I resent my ex-husband? I Where I had once dreaded the cause no one understood. Everyone ending turmoil of resentment, self- had begged for understanding; what thought of going out into the free including God had let me down. I pity and a mixed-up attitude about him, maybe he needed a world, alone and branded, I now had no ego. By accepting my fate towards God. little, too? The judge, the penal looked forward to it. I now knew without fighting I was certainly I went determined to listen and institutions administration? None of how to face life and there were a proving myself to be among the learn, instead I talked and learned. them twisted my arm to make me lot of things I wanted to get done. humblest of humble. I poured out my soul. I got rid of break the law. I had needed help I was growing up and I wanted to I crawled further into my hole. pent-up resentments, my ego and they were trying to give it to try out my new-found freedom. I cried and worried about what was showed its true self, but my self- me. It sounds strange to talk of freehappening to my child and what pity refused to be budged; I still be- Humility. I hadn’t known the dom while locked in prison but I would happen to me. My nerves be- lieved myself wronged. meaning of the word. I had prayed, have a freedom that I have never came jangled and I couldn’t sleep. I tried hard to understand, but “Thy will be done.” I had really known before. I am not afraid, I I lay awake looking out the lone some pieces simply would not fit. I meant, “My will be done.” I had know that I can face up to my window of my little room and was sure that it had been my ego in been trying to bargain with God problems because I am no longer dreamed of ways of getting out. I the past that had sustained me, but and was mad when things didn’t alone. Call it faith, call it a Greater was sure that I had been wronged now I was told to turn my life over turn out my way. Power, call it God – it is there. I by society and felt that if only to a Power greater than myself. I My entire outlook began to take have a sustaining hand, I can bend people could be made to under- was told to live for today only and on new meaning. I still had prob- with life and spring back because I stand, I would be helped. in all things I must trust in God: lems, big ones, but I couldn’t solve now have a Power that will help me. I began to ask for help; I wanted “Thy will be done.” them while I was still in prison and I need never be alone again. to be understood. I really didn’t When things were getting to a R. W.,Plymouth, Mich. want constructive help. I wanted point of utter confusion our AA sympathy, and if people didn’t counselor let us listen to a tape reagree with my views I became re- cording by a leading psychiatrist. I sentful. No one would try to under- listened, but only one word stuck stand. with me. That word was “phoney.” After three months of confine- I was a phoney; I hadn’t meant ment I realized at last that I was to be but I had woven such a tight alone. I was helpless. Nothing that web of self-pity and resentment that I could do was of any avail. I had the truth had become lost in the reached the end of the road. I was tangle.

February 1967

An alcoholic’s own story caught me, I did not realize where I was at or what was taking place. . I would like to clarify one point here and now. I sincerely believe and understand there cannot be an excuse for a criminal act. There may MY be a reason, but never an excuse. I wholeheartedly believe that a person name should not commit a felonious act mind – an “out,” but after many and then use alcohol as the excuse. many meetings I got to thinking. I All my life society had said, “We have been convicted three times, are going to rehabilitate you, boy.” each time I was drinking. Something Yet, no one ever took into considergave me the power to be really ation what rehabilitation is – retruthful. I wholeheartedly will con- turning you to what you normally tribute this act of being truthful to are. Dammit, that’s just what we AM thirty-four years old. I have to society. Why? Because he was myself, to AA and its principles. don’t want. What we need is help to I spent seventeen years in prisons trying to be a sharpie. and reform schools. There is not one When I went over my personal I took an account of myself and be returned to what we haven’t came up with this picture: been. inmate in any institution who is life step by step, I was stunned to A wino trying to shoot an angle Anyway, I finally set my probmore con-wise than I, and if anyone find that my life had been guided by or, in one word, a phony -some- lems before me and thought of the had told me that I would ever go for the very same angle. This shocked one who ridicules. As I looked back, best way, not the easiest, but the this AA sort of stuff, I would have me. Afterwards 1 lay in bed trying to I thought of all the people who had best way I could dispose of them. If laughed at them. think out what 1 really was. Never faith in me: my wife, employer, you can convince yourself to be One night, I attended an AA in my life had 1 thought of myself as mother, and my parole officer. All of truthful, you will have half of all meeting at the Road Camp where 1 an alcoholic like those sorry, nasty these people worked so hard to give problems licked. You don’t have to am incarcerated because of the free dirty drunks at the Sunday night me my self-respect. And, where was admit anything to anyone -just go coffee, cookies and cake. At this meetings. I now? In prison. Though it be a off by yourself and have a real truthphase of the meeting (refreshments) Looking back over my stupid life, fifth of whiskey or one beer, I ful talk with yourself. You will be I heard one of the guest speakers it all came to me how I talked to the could not have what I love and al- surprised how often you have been make a remark about a boy who old heads, the “Smart Boys.” Some cohol too. . . whether it be my wife, wrong and how easy it is to right started his career in AA as a free of the boys 1 had done time with in social position, respect, freedom, these wrongs. rider, an angle shooter, or, to put it ’47 told me, “the shot here is AA. physical fitness, peace of mind, or Now, I may have strayed a little bluntly, who used AA in prison as Be a good regular member and it any of the fine things of life. off the path of AA, but remember it an “out.” But, after continuouFpar- will melt the hard cold heart of the Six cans of beer took most of was the same AA that started me ticipation, he became a devout and parole board.” So, being a very these things from me, and maybe my thinking. You don’t have to be an confirmed believer in the principles smart guy with a seventeen-year rec- wife and son. alcoholic to benefit by their prinof AA and now he is a happily mar- ord of pulling time, I thought I Six cans of beer -so help me ciples. I encourage any person in ried man, has a good job, and is a could have myself out in April of God. The sheriff who arrested me at prison who has not attended one of pillar in his community. Prior to his ’64. So I thought. the scene of the crime would verify these meetings to go just once. Go release he was a bum and a liability 1 started out with one thing in that I was so drunk when they even with this in mind, “They’re just

a bunch of phonies, but 1’11 see what be loved, but can’t have it; would they are putting down.” Then, dur- like so much, but can never truly ing one of these meetings, be man have it – not and be a sharp con. enough to admit what it’s all about. 1 joined AA as a sharpie for one Even play like this isn’t an AA purpose – to try to make an early meeting – play like it’s a confes- parole. However, some drastic sion of a bunch of squares. Go fur- changes were made in these calculather, play like you are the only one tions of figures. A detainer has been there who is smart and all the rest placed on me from another state for are fools, but be truthful when these parole violation. Now, I will have to men get up and tell of their past. do my full sentence, and back up Every now and then bring your my parole. own life up and compare it with However, I have gained so much these winos – even substitute “al- more by not making parole for had 1 coholics.” If you are a man and not made the parole, I would have cona punk, you will admit what you are tinued with my original pattern of and slowly, very slowly, try to figure thinking. As it is, my finishing my out what makes you really tick and term of sentence has given me cause whether you would like to be a to examine myself and change my sharpie or a square. A sharpie entire thinking concept. I have come would like a woman, but can’t have to know myself. I have found what one; would like a new car, but can’t you call the Higher Power. Because have one; would like true respect I accepted, I have peace of mind. but can’t have it; would like just to And now, who is the sharpie? St. Cloud, Flu.

F e b r u a r y 1967

AA in prison bers are very fine people who want From Lancaster, Pa.: to help other people. I want to express my warmest I am only twenty-two years old gratitude, and sincerest thanks for and this is the third time that I have the literature that you have sent me! been in this prison. I am serving Also, the thanks of the other men in one- to two-years, this time again the meeting that we have here at the for larceny. In 1963, I served six prison. To my dismay, we are very months for larceny, and in 1965 I short of literature here at the prison. served nine months for larceny, and Although we do have the copy of all these offenses were caused by the Big Book and the Twelve Steps drink. and Twelve Trcrditions, we are very I also was married at seventeen short on Grapevines, pamphlets and and divorced at nineteen. All of this other AA reading matter and we 1 realized was caused by drinking. would be very, very grateful for I have had it! I do not want to whatever material that you could come to jail ever again, and 1 know spare. the only way that I will stay out and This is the first time in my life make something of myself is to bethat I have been this close to the come a regular AA member, which AA, and I want to say that during 1 intend on doing. I believe AA is this short time, I find that the mem- the best thing that ever happened to me, and I just wish that it would have happened a lot earlier in my life. Again, I thank you for the reading matter we have received. R. L. s.

June 1967

*.

In a New Zealand prison: this mail organization of meetings- good feed into you, and make your by-mail. Contacts arrive every day peace with God.” He got through to to visit me in here. Through this me and he knew my condition bemailbag of advice which has kept cause I found AA in its true sense. arriving these last eighteen months Then a fire in the prison interrupted and, I pray, will keep arriving for the live AA I was enjoying, and I always, I have been encouraged to became a loner. So did the person grow a little bit in the right direc- who introduced me to AA in the tion. I have been helped through beginning. His name was Colin. We periods of self-pity; depression; re- arrived at this new prison, and sentments, and the usual human found changes that made the Serenfailings that one must endure when ity Prayer the only strength worth he is cut off from society and his relying on. Mailing privileges were loved ones. extended for AA members, and Sobriety- by- Mail I have learned that my actions demanded that I be withheld from Colin and I managed to wangle a double-up cell, where we began the society for a period of transition, loner life. Each week we developed Four walls enclose him day and night, which is not indefinite, although it more, and our thirty letters each. but they don’t keep out the AA message could have been infinite had I not every week, went out to thirty loners met up with AA. I know how easy throughout the world. it is to become branded with the The results were fantastic, becircumstance, I am a name of a criminal, and it was T HROUGH loner. Four walls guard me night and day. My window looks sonal contact with “outside” AA members. But as I said, by circumstance I am a loner, cut off from easier still to find someone to blame for my sentence – it wasn’t me, it had to be my family: a wife and out on a guard tower, where an personal contacts because I am a armed guard watches over me, pro- “security prisoner.” There are no two small kiddies. I found time also tecting me from myself, protecting AA meetings here. Friends cannot to blame my in-laws. I had quite a society from me. Behind this tower gather in a group and discuss their time finding people to unload my roll the green hills of freedom, common problems. But, through the blame on; inventory always hapdotted with sheep and swaying trees. services offered by a group called pened, but not my inventory, always someone else’s. cause after just three months our The horizon melts away in the dis- World Hello1 in New York and by tance, yet my horizon climbs over The Brighton Correspondence When I was first introduced to mailing lists had two hundred work- GroupsZ in New Zealand I perhaps AA I believed that perhaps I could ing contacts on them. Our writing those hills and treetops. It goes beabsorb something out of the pro- time began to wake up with us in the yond oceans to eleven countries – enjoy and am privileged to have AA beyond my vision, but within my at its very best. gram. I remember vividly my first morning, in fact there were times mind. AA is able to reach me through live-meeting “talk,” it was so full when we would go to sleep with a For many AA members the al- of self-pity and hateful attitude that pen in our hand, a half-written letter coholic in prison must seem as un- 1 . World Hello 117 Lincoln Park Drive I can only grin at my thinking at lying across our knees. real as that last drink. Some AA Syracuse. N. Y. that time. Luckily I met a friend as We were on the committee 2. Brighton Correspondence Group members behind bars enjoy per- c/o P.B. 400 soon as 1 sat down. He leaned over of The Brighton Correspondence ‘ Tc Awamutu, N. Z. to me and said: “Listen son, get a Group, and the system of our com-

plete operations meant that we when I meet another inmate who It may be a slow process to some of pression of love and kind thoughts could all share in each other’s let- wants to talk out a drink problem. us, but it is a happening that event- that come through the steel doors to ters, which were passed around a The only advice I can give is my ually points down the road to a way promote A A to the shut-ins. Exmailbox letter-rack meeting table own experience, and the only prac- of life that surprises us in its sim- pressing my gratitude to the AA and, after each member of the com- tical method of recovery that I can plicity, yet encourages us in its sin- members who have dedicated their mittee had noted every letter and furnish to a prospective member is cerity. time and energies to my own and every experience, the letters were to “open the door,” and send him I know that penal AA in a loner our collective future is beyond my filed in Brisbane for later reference. out – through his pen and a post- capacity is a real and powerful power. My own problems diminished, I age stamp – to members standing method of our Fellowship. How I do know that my way is AA seemed to have been granted a sec- by outside. Thus another AA mem- powerful it is lies behind the ex- just for today. ond look in the mirror of life. My ber is born, and the glow of sharing Murray M., New Zealand nerves, on coming to AA, were shot happens inside me somewhere. to bits, but the awakening of my The World Hello Group secretary mind ,slowly stirred me to changing and The Brighton Correspondence the pattern of my living, from one Group secretary meet these new year ahead, to one day at a time. I members and the success of their made amends for the trouble I had progress then lies squarely on their caused others and, when this could own desks. This is how A A works not be done, I prayed that my for me, and this is how it will work Higher Power would take care of for others here. what I could not. In meeting loners throughout the I have noticed lately that inmates world, no journey ever becomes too seem to want to talk out problems great. The unmanageable life that .with me because I am a member of I suffered just two short years ago, AA. I cannot understand this part has now almost completely gone of my experience, because the AA from me. I realize that it is only one road in prison is generally fringed drink away, but I believe that if I with caustic criticism by non-mem- stay on the letter-writing work party bers who regard the plight of the I shall be much too busy to worry alcoholic as a weakness. But in- about slipping. I have found it mates call and ask my advice today necessary to replace old friends with and this is baffling to me, but a new ones after I lose contact with benefit that has come to me from them, but they have a happy knack my AA participation. of returning through the mail at In the beginning it wasn’t so, of some future time, sober and concourse, as I could not even handle tented. my own affairs let alone advise an- I know I have nothing much to other on his way of life. But there it offer my brothers and sisters in this is, something I have that I am proud Fellowship of AA. I am nothing to have and can handle now. without them; they are my lifeline. My greatest happiness comes Together we seem to come of age.

June 1967

thetic Judge, the Police Department, a Family-Relations Officer, the Probation Department, the Council of Churches, the Salvation Army, Al- Guidelines on Court Programs coholics Anonymous, etc. In one area that shared experience with us, there is a Central Advisory Committee organized by the AA’s General Service Oflice has issued this Judge. This committee is made up of members of AA, the Council on paper on cooperation of AAs with court-managed programs Alcoholism, the Salvation Army, the V. A. Hospital Alcoholic Rehabilifor alcoholics revolving in and out of focal jails tation Project, the State Psychiatric Institute, the State Council of Alcoholism, the State Department of Correction, the City Health Depart- ‘s General Service Office re- experience of AAs all over the AA ceived more than 100 answers to a letter of inquiry which United States and Canada as to how this kind of cooperation was already response to the AA program and the cooperation of AA members was gratifying, in every instance. ment, as well as individual physicians, ministers and attorneys. Many believe these programs not only help went to all Delegates, Trustees, In- being handled. Secondly, by far the majority of the sick and suffering alcoholic but stitutions Committees and Central The overwhelming response to court groups which were described provide the community with knowl- Offices asking for information about this inquiry not only tells us that to us do not fall into the category of edge, experience and a sense of rethe participation of AA members in there i s already a great deal of AA groups. These are rather court sponsibility toward the alcoholic. their areas in Municipal Court Pro- activity in this field but a very high “classes” in which representatives of Not all the court programs regrams. degree of interest in it, as well. various community agencies and ported to us, by any means, are new, Incoming mail at GSO, during the Naturally, in such a large sampling, AA members participate. Even in experimental, and still in the trial past year, had indicated that AA a wide variety of methods are being those instances where no one par- stage. Many of them are long estabmembers in many areas were being employed. However, certain general ticipates except AA members, these lished, highly organized, and have asked to cooperate on a voluntary patterns do seem to emerge, and we meetings are still meetings about met with sufficient success to have basis with the courts, and that many will try to give you a comprehensive AA, rather than AA meetings as been continued for a long period of had questions and reservations picture of some of these. most of us know them. Most often, time. These older and more estababout how this could be done and First, we might mention that most they are held in the courtroom with lished programs seem to have set a still remain within AA Traditions. AA members are asked to function the Judge in attendance, and with pattern for most of those which have With the increase in legislative ac- as “friends of the court,” and they the court providing the refresh- come to our attention. The two tivity regarding the alcoholic of- cooperate with the court in trying to ments. In some places, other groups oldest programs that we know of fender at the Federal, State and offer AA help to the alcoholic; their in the community (churches, Salva- were started by a Judge in one in- Municipal levels, it seems probable function is not to tell the Judge how tion Army, Goodwill Industries, stance, and a Probation Officer in that these requests will continue and to conduct his court. Our letter of etc.) act as hosts for the refreshment another, both of whom were membecome even more widespread. inquiry was referred to several period, on a rotating basis. This bers of AA. Therefore, in the traditional AA Judges,. not AA members them- kind of program may involve many The basic procedure devised by way, we asked for a sharing of selves, and the enthusiasm of their community resources: a sympa- the courts for alcoholic offenders

3-Pre-trial Interview fine or posts bonds, he is released; court building. However, they really followed this general outline in most AA members, acting as individ- otherwise his case will be continued, are meetings about AA, and not cases: uals and not as representatives of sentence suspended, or probation actual AA meetings, as such. They local AA groups or AA as a whole, granted depending on the individual may be opened and closed by an 2-Jail talk to the arrested person as a Judge and local custom. In any AA member acting as Chairman, *3-Pre-Trial Interview Twelfth Step call. As a “friend of event, the determination is influ- and all the speakers may be AA the court,” the AA member tries to enced by the Judge’s consultation members. In some areas, the Judge “Trial with the AA interviewer. or some other officer of the court * 5-Release, Case-Contin- determine whether or not the person considers alcohol to be a prob- may preside as Chairman. Refreshued, or Conviction 6-Court Meetings, Regular lem and wants help with it. He then ments may be provided by the court a. If conviction, sen- Outside AA Meetings, or some other community agency tence or probation expresses his opinion about the mat- Schools of Alcoholism, ter to the Judge in Chambers (usu- which is participating in the profollows. Incarceration gram. ally not in open-court session). Unless the offender pays the fine *&Court Meetings, Out- In some areas, the conditions of Sometimes, the interview may be and is released, he will be required probation require the alcoholic to side Regular AA Meet- conducted by Probation Officers ings, Schools of Alco- to attend meetings of one of these attend a certain number of outside who may or may not be members of types, depending on the local Judge. regular AA meetings per week in holism, or lncarcera- AA themselves. Even when the intion By far the majority of those in the community. In these instances, terviewer is an officer, he often our study used the court meeting, the group secretary is asked to sign 7-Probation or Time- seeks assistance and suggestions served. sometimes called Honor Court a card or slip stating that the .person from AA volunteers. Meeting or Court Class. Often, but has, in fact, attended the AA meet- 8-Release 5-Release, Case Continued, not always, these meetings seem ing. AA members have not been * Items number three, five and six are Conviction identical to regular AA meetings, universally happy with these rethose that concern members of A A . except that they are held in the quirements. For instance, the man- If the arrested person pays the

datory aspect of enforced attendance at AA meetings creates some discomfort, because it is at variance with the voluntary spirit of AA. Also, it has not been customary for ‘7 have never found such devotedness to a cause and such willingness. .. 99

AA members to give information about others to outsiders. And some secretaries do not care to break and with other treatment resources. life. There is no pleasure greater to work closely with Alcoholics their own anonymity by signing In general the forms and methods than meeting someone and being Anonymous. With more and more papers which will be returned to described here give a fairly com- reminded that sobriety came to him people, both AA members and legal officers. prehensive picture of how most with an introduction to AA through others, becoming interested, I can’t However, willingness to cooper- AAs in most areas are cooperating our Court Class on alcoholism. It is help but strive with continued opate, and seeing the AA program with most court programs. This is a distinct privilege to associate with timism. There has been success in succeed with alcoholics who may a demanding and time-consuming the wonderful men and women of some instances, failure in others. not have had this chance before, kind of Twelfth Step work that can AA. I have never found such de- But it is rewarding to see peaceful have caused many AAs and groups provide more than the usual amount votedness to a cause and such will- expressions and smiles on the faces to lay aside their former objections. of both disappointments and re- ingness to be of service to their of those who have attained day-by- One satisfactory way of coping wards that are inherent in all fellow men as I have found among day sobriety with the help of the with the problems involved has been Twelfth Step work. these people.” Eugene K. Mangum, program. It is rewarding to know to create regular outside AA groups The mechanics of providing AA Chief Magistrate, Phoenix, Ariz. that many have given their lives to made up of Probationers and “grad- volunteers for this service have been God and have again found a place uates” (former Probationers). All handled in an interesting way in one “We know that our school helped in society.” City Judge G. Randell AAs are welcome at these groups city. They have an AA Court Com- some of its pupils. Our council does Whitmeyer, City Court, City o f add, of course, the Probationers are mittee which meets monthly in the not try to follow through to find out Shreveport, Louisiana. encouraged to attend other group courthouse. All groups in the area the results of its educational efforts. meetings too – so they will obtain are represented, and both Judges We have received an extra bonus as “The Court Class program in Des an overall feeling of AA. and Probation Officers attend. Visi- a result of our activities on behalf of Moines started in 1956 and today Several areas reported the exist- tors are welcome and include inter- the Probation Department in the there are a dozen members of the ence of Schools for the Prevention ested AAs, visiting Judges, Sheriffs, form of increased cooperation on class that are five and a half years of Alcoholism or Alcohol Informa- Policemen, Correctional Officials, both the municipal and county level sober. This speaks well for the tion Schools which persons may be Chaplains, Social Workers, etc. The of the Judges and the law enforce- durability of the program. In Densentenced to attend by the Court purpose of the meeting is to discuss ment agencies. Both our council and ver where the program is newer, (Municipal or Traffic) in lieu of problems, procedures and ways of the AA members involved believe there are numbers of people who paying a fine, or anyone may attend improving and expanding the exist- this better understanding will help are three and four years sober. It voluntarily. Usually AA members ing program. all the alcoholics in our county.” should be remembered that these are asked to participate in only one Mrs. Maxwell Campbell, Executive people who are ‘making it’ in these of the four weekly sessions, for the Evaluation by Director, Bell County Council on classes are the forgotten people who purpose of explaining the AA pro- Experienced Officials: Alcoholism, Temple, Texas. no one thought could come back. gram of recovery. The other classes “My work with alcoholics and “Since the establishment of the deal with the medical, social-psy- members of AA has been one of “The Honor Class was designed class in 1956, there has been a chological aspects of alcoholism, the most satisfying endeavors of my to persuade its members to continue steady decline in the number of

arrests for intoxication. In the four ‘cured’ many of the alcoholics who years prior to the establishment of frequent our jail, but it has helped our class in Des Moines, in 1956, many of them stay sober for longer such arrests averaged 5,564. In periods of time. Many of them stay 1961, we arrested 4,028.” Judge out of jail for months at a time and Ray Harrison, Judge of the Munici- hold a regular job while out, and pal Court of Des Moines, Iowa. some have even reconciled with their families. I feel this is real prog- “The Denver Court Honor Class ress and, therefore, want to continue has been in operation for about this program. eight years and has doubtless influ- “Although I feel that AA has enced, for the better, the lives of been most effective in our rehabilitathousands of individuals. Each week tion program, I do seek the help of we have about 100 in attendance.” the Salvation Army, the local William H. Burnett, Presiding Judge, churches, and other local alcoholic Denver County Court, Colorado. rehabilitation units. We need all the help we can get.” Judge Edward D. “I feel our program has been O’Cleary, Municipal Judge, Ft. reasonably successful. It has not Lauderdale, Florida.

October 1967

For the AA coming out of prison: own contact, we are demanding were free from irresponsibility. Peomore from him than we do from ple, in jail or out, must be taken as the “squares” who, while filled with they are, not as we would like to all kinds of living problems arising have them, and the simple truth is Arrange That First Contact! from their drinking, are, neverthe- that the con coming out of jail has less, vastly more uncomplicated got to be taken by the hand to his by the Reverend James P. Collins than the man coming out of jail. If first meeting. Chaplain, Elmira Reformatory, Elmira, N . Y . we accompany “squares” to their If we suddenly excluded from first meeting, why deny it to cons AA membership all of those people who need it so much more? who were accompanied to their first the AA message in jail is fortunately The AA program at the Elmira meeting by another interested AAer, I F the AA program is to benefit the con when he hits the street, an AA contact must be arranged for passing from the scene because it failed to understand the real nature I Reformatory has been successful precisely because the contact system you would not have much of an AA organization in this country. him either through the Intergroup of the convict about to be paroled. has been an integral part of the The lesson holds for the con also. Institutions Committees in the met- The man coming out of jail is a whole AA program there since its AA in jail without the contact sysropolitan areas or through the in- man filled with all kinds of fears, inception almost five years ago. I tem is merely a nice intellectual exdividual AA groups as found in the doubts about himself, apprehensions consider the contact system as nec- ercise for men with time on their Wor!d Directory. about his reception into the com- essary for a successful prison AA hands; it is then only an incomplete The school of thought that a munity, about his acceptance by his program as postoperative care is program. The contact system opens convict AA had to make his own family, and real worries as to necessary after major surgery. It the door for the day-by-day practice contact as a proof of his sincerity whether he can “make it out there.” would be nice if people acted the of the things learned in the many . and as a proof that he had gotten If we expect the con to make his way they should act, if everyone meetings behind the walls.

AA in prisons: “From that day I began to listen . . . it sounded as if those blokes I Found AA in an Australian Prison had been reading my mail.”

s a young lad, I was surrounded anyhow), and I suppose almost trouble. The police stepped in, re- A by many prime examples of why I should not drink -in my Why then, after observing all this, did I begin drinking? I began, when I was about eight or nine, every kid has his tasting session too. I showed a distinct preference for sulting in my being put on a threeyear good behavior bond, with the home, in homes of relatives and in with inquisitive tasting at various Australian wine, and I developed condition that I would not approach friends’ and neighbors’ homes. I parties of whatever was lying the habit of constantly visiting Dad’s any town without responsible adult saw the quarrels, fights and all the around, and sips from a jar ( a jar for my tasting session-not get- supervision. My cousin’s husband sordid things which go hand-in- gallon of sweet sherry) that my ting drunk at this stage but, never- became my guardian. hand with excessive drinking. Sure, father kept on hand. In the Riverina theless, getting that warm glow My cousin, though, was a differthere were happy times too, but of New South Wales almost every- from it. ent proposition – and to my mind, these did not leave so lasting an one keeps one of these jars (in the Then in my early teens, while she was an alky! As a kid of fourimpression on my mind. particular town that I lived they did still at first year high, I had some teen I couldn’t understand that then.

ing that he had gained permission Prison to serve out my time. for me to. For six months I dropped into On returning home again person- a morass of recrimination, blaming alities began to clash. I was unable all but myself for the position I to get my own selfish way, and so I was in; contemplating escape or suileft for Queensland and the begin- cide. Out of sheer boredom I was ning of a solitary and unhappy talked into attending a couple of chase with no end. I had plenty of AA meetings. I sat through them money and it was easy to spend it. without any interest whatever. Over ,

At the age of twenty I got serious the next twelve months I went to with a very nice girl. That steadied AA on and off without any reason me for a while and then -gradual- or purpose. And then, one day one Brandy, beer at the pubs and any- ly slipped again. ~everthekss,the of the speakers said much the same thing available at parties; I thought girl stuck; marriage was just around words that I used at the beginning I was a full-grown man! After nine the corner -and then crash. Police of this article. What he went on to months of rebellion against house- court and then the criminal court say ran almost parallel to what my work I blew my top; so did every- had their say, and I had had my last life had been except that he had not one else. It was a stalemate. drink for nearly three years. run foul of the law, or not to the A childless uncle and aunt then Released again, I headed home, same extent as I had anyhow. took control of me. This was much telling myself I’d had enough, fool From that day I began to listen better. I was ollt in the paddocks that I was. I began drinking almost to what was being said and, like I knew that she got through a lot of with my uncle and we worked to- at once, heavy, and it knocked me most alkies say when they do listen, “medicine” (brandy) and took gether. I was learning a lot about about fast; six months was enough. it sounded as if those blokes had “sick” turns. I began smoking; and sheep and other farm work, and I I had dropped back into my old been reading my mail. Yeah, they I tried the brandy too, not liking it began opening up old paddocks to ways and I was before the courts were punching very, very straight, as much as sherry. I was full of wheat, plowing, fallowing, sowing- again. right in my direction. I didn’t like it enthusiasm for farm work (what working hard, ten hours a day. I After being put out of circulation and I didn’t know what to do. I was healthy fourteen-year-old wouldn’t was right in my element. for another three years I knew what at a stage where I didn’t want to be be?) but instead I had to be a sort But it didn’t last. I’m not sure I had to d o – stay away from drink honest, but I knew that this program of houseboy and I hated it. All my what happened, but in approximate- and stay out of strife. had something I needed and at pleas to my cousin-in-law were op- ly eight months I had got to know It would be only repetition to every meeting I went to, I became posed by my cousin. I was boiling just how much my uncle drank. I write about what happened, except more aware of it. with resentment at the unfairness of found bottles of wine planted every- to say I tried, when it was too late, Then after much thought I adit. There were other reasons why I where. I would take a drink out of to give drink up and I failed. It was mitted the First Step. This was the wanted to get away from my cousin. them and then put them back. Dur- the same old pattern over and over biggest thing I had done for many I was approaching my fifteenth year, ing this period I put down solid again. Finally, at the age of twenty- years; it was the beginning of a and I had been abruptly made drinking foundations, but even so, six, I was sentenced to four years’ slow-motion avalanche that is buildaware of new emotions; filled with I was going fine on the farm. My jail and declared to be an habitual ing up into something bigger than anxiety, fear and a kind of curiosity, parents came fifty miles each fort- criminal. Full of resentment and me. From the moment of my taking I was at my wit’s end. night to visit us; my dad was trying self-pity and abusing everyone men- the First Step, I began throwing my- I began to really drink now. to persuade me to come home, say- tally, I was transferred to Hatala self into the program, reading the

$ <* 8

literature available, working for the It has shown me that I must give to asked, quite firmly, to see a doctor. the group. I was sober, yes, but not group where 1 could, and thinking get what I need from the program, I was told, “She’ll be around later.” by my own choice. I felt bitter and AA. It restored my faith and gave and this I try to do to the best of my Luckily, “she” .was standing in the resentful. I could feel those state me tolerance and taught me to be limited ability. For each twenty-four doorway of the lab and accom- numbers as though they were visibly honest with myself. I can now ac- hours I retain my serenity with so- panied me back to my polar cham- stamped upon my shoulders. cept what I am without looking briety, I thank my God, as I under- ber. I was thankful, at least, to see My economic situation was a . around for a scapegoat. It has given stand Him, and thank also AA for “top brass” and very earnestly asked great struggle. It was hard to supme the spark of courage to shoulder being brought into prison to give where I was. Her very tolerant reply port my family solely on my limited my load uncomplainingly and carry strength to such as me. was, “You are in a reform school.” income. I contacted my ex-husband on helping my fellows where I can. Leo M., Adelaide, So. Australia Thus began my first experience whom I had previously divorced. at the Connecticut State Home for He wanted no part of any further Women at Niantic. By drinking to legal action, so he promptly pro- AA in prisons: escape despair, I had lost my right duced a check for us. I paid the rent to freedom for three years. As this with this, only to have the landlord was my first offense for drinking in return it for insufficient funds. T o r n for Twenty Years’ Connecticut, I was given only a A new landlord appeared who It took three trips to a “state farm” and untold six-month term. meant business. He would not wait I knew that AA had contact with for his rent. Forced to move, we had anguish before she would surrender state institutions. How I could reach to leave newly acquired friends, give it, I didn’t know. I asked. On leav- up our church and choir activity,

I AWOKE one morning, ten years ago, to find myself on a hospital cot. shaft, but I was compelled to wait silently. If this was a hospital, surely I would see a doctor soon? ing the infirmary to begin a working assignment, I found I had the privilege of attending AA meetings and settle in a housing project across town, where my children were miserable. I did not know I tried to retrace my thoughts. I In about an hour, I was con- three times a month, and I was where to turn. I soon turned all right had been drinking the previous day. fronted by an Amazon not unlike grateful. -straight to a nightly bottle. This I had felt very lonely because my myself in form, only she was well- I returned, in six months, cha- brought harsh words of reprimand children, aged ten and three, had molded into white starch and a grined, but in no way chastened, to from my mother. She was so agisent no valentines from the foster black-striped nurse’s cap. She told a busy town on the Eastern sea- tated that she had to go to the home into which they had been me to come with her. board where I soon found work. hospital. forcibly placed. The judge had said I followed her down a dark laby- Slowly, but with the determina- Again, due to my satanic drink- I was found guilty of breach of the rinth of corridors to a laboratory. tion that comes with a woman’s ing, my children were removed from peace. Therefore I had had to move She said I was to have a blood test. fortieth year, I regained my beloved me, and I was soon on a new comout of my apartment very rapidly Hoping the alcohol within my sys- family. I was able to get my children mitment back to the state farm. and with a great deal of informal tem would discourage any lab work, back. My mother had recovered Upon returning to Niantic, I beassistance. I was told that I had I presented my chilled finger. She from a nervous breakdown suffi- came very active in AA. I had the to go away for a “few” months. gave me the laugh of Dracula and ciently to help me with them. I had, privilege of getting to know the AA (Judges can be cryptic at times.) I asked me what I wgs going to at last, my own home again. adviser at the farm, and of being was led into a building which, at do with that! She started massaging I kept my parole for the required able to seek her counsel before she night, looked like a hospital. my right arm. There is nothing like three years. However, although I later attained the office of superin- From the sounds in the corridor eight A.M. for a good sharp Wasser- attended meetings during those tendent (warden) of the institution. I thought I was in an active mine mann. She got it, believe me. I years, I felt somehow apart from During my second turn, my interest

in AA developed. I was able, as cided to bring my mother home course! Within forty-eight hours, lonely or as desperate in my life. I secretary there, to help edit the from the hospital again. after a two-year separation, her hus- kept asking for AA but was told farm’s AA magazine. This activity I completed my parole. Liquor band appeared. He promptly had that only the men could attend helped a lot. seemed not to hold its former strong her arrested for “disturbing the meetings. Time passed. I returned, finally, temptation for me any longer. My peace,” and I went to jail too! I was This is where I discovered how to a mediocre selling job and a life with my mother continued, until not allowed even one phone call to to pray. The Gideon Bible was the grim room – alone. My love for an AA friend offered me a chance to my son, as I vividly recall. I was only method I could use to keep my my family was such a compelling apply for a nursing position in a pri- sent to a state hospital for observa- sanity. I would sit in my cell and force within me that I was deter- vate hospital. I placed my mother in tion, came to court, where my case read the psalms most of the day. mined to try to get my children a convalescent home and accepted was postponed so I could obtain a I obtained very efficient legal adback again.. I finally obtained a the job. lawyer, then was swiftly taken to a vice, but I knew I was guilty of hearing at the juvenile court, only About this time 1 ran across an municipal jail to await a court ap- breach of the peace again! The to suffer intense disappointment. old friend on the bus one day. She pearance. judge slowly pronounced my sen- I am thankful to this day to my had been an AA member, but was I have never, in all my experi- tence. Thirty days’ work in the same parole officer for her help to me “too busy” to attend meetings. She ence, suffered as much emotional jail. Suicidal thoughts ran through during that court session. I heard called me for Twelfth Step work and spiritual torment as I did there. my mind. I could not face this torthe decision against me and I literal- several times, but I never seemed The cross section of street life near- ment again. I remembered my guidly became hysterical. I can hardly to do any good. ly made me uncontrollably violent. ance in Niantic in recent years. begin to remember my parting I spent a weekend at her house. My will to get out was stronger, Within five seconds I had reached words to my children. I was not on a case at the time and however. I had given up my free- my final point of despetation -I By this time I had another apart- I was physically overtired. I had dom again, only this was really the was asking to “do” three years of ment. I could not bear the loneliness broken my connections with AA bottom of the pit. I had no means my life in Niantic against one month ‘ of being sober – I could find noth- and had started to drink again. She of communication whatsoever. I in that jail! This time I must have ing to relieve my despair – I de- went right along with this, of don’t think I have ever been as been seeking very deeply. I not only

– asked for Niantic but promptly got portunities there, if one truly wished it. to find a method of using serenity This had been my choice. I was in the midst of, believe me, pure totally defeated. “brimstone.” I spent almost a year again at the What a blessing AA was to me state farm. I knew the routine, by there, and is to me now! I, at last, now. I knew that I could work for was truly knocking, and pounding twenty-five cents a day. I knew hard on those doors. In September, I enough not to try to pick potatoes my final day came and I returned to for a quarter of a mile at my age. my previous job as a nurse in a pri- The only part I hadn’t learned was vate hospital. I have lost the desire how to come out of there and wish to drink. you could call it a home. Many a on me at all times. to stay sober. I used to memorize I am eternally grateful for the op- night I cried myself to sleep, want- I went through three stages of the psalms again at night during my portunity I have had. I had been ing to see and be with my mother drinking. At first I drank to forget confined hours. David really has a torn by ambivalence for nearly and afraid to go back. Early in life and to feel important. Then I found lot to say! twenty years of my life. I only pray I found that drinking would make that I needed to drink to get going I became active in every available that others may find faith sooner me forget my mother and the in the morning. Then I had to field possible. There were many op- than I, at last, found mine. troubles for a while. How little did drink in order to live. Blackouts W . G., Westport, Conn. I know then what drinking would came and I couldn’t remember do to me later. But at the start where I had been, or what I had drinking made me forget everything, done,. I switched brands of whiskey; AA in prisons: and gave me courage to do and feel I switched jobs; I switched towns; I like a big man, and this I liked. switched states, and nothing worked. It wasn’t too long before my I have been in nine states and I I Try to Carry the Message friend John Barleycorn began to have been in trouble in all of them. Back to Prisons treat me badly also. At fifteen I Within one year I was sent to a paid my first fine, for drunkenness penitentiary in Virginia and to one An A A who joined A A in a Florida prison and assault with a deadly weapon. in Pennsylvania. It was there I Soon I got into more trouble and heard of Alcoholics Anonymous for eleven years ago hasn’t forgotten . . . this time left that state. the first time. Sometime later I heard that my At the suggestion of the chaplain mother was ill and at the point of and two inmates I decided to look in M Y father was an ex-con alcoholic also. When I was only six months old he was shot and the farm. He was cruel to me. I can remember those days as if it were just yesterday. I can remember the death. I used to sneak in to see her. When I got to the state line, I would on this AA thing -mainly because I had no place else to go. There was ‘killed. I have two older brothers and times he whipped me so badly that hit the back roads and the byroads. something about those meetings! I one sister but I am the only alco- blood would run down my legs and Many times I would be drinking on began to look forward to them. holic and the black sheep. my shirt would stick to my back. I these trips. Little by little I felt different. These My mother remarried when I remember the times he knocked me Looking over the past I can truly AA meetings had not only become was about eight. I had just finished down with his fists. say that, but for the grace of God, I a part of my life in prison, but they first grade and my stepfather made I just couldn’t go on like this. At might have been a killer also, be- had become a part of me also, so me quit school and go to work on thirteen I ran away from home – if cause while drinking I carried a gun much so that I found myself wanting

to get out of the drinking business. we get sober something has to take I knew better than anyone else what the place of alcohol in our lives. a price I had paid for drinking. And Why not let AA fill and fulfill that somehow, in my weak alcoholic part? mind, I believed that this AA would What good is AA in prison? AA work for me as it had worked for is good anywhere, anytime. AA was others. a lifesaver for me and will be for I made my time in prison work lots of alcoholics in prison, if we for me by learning all I could about will carry the AA message to them. AA and by working on myself. I My alcoholic friends are in prison was like a fighter making a come- for the same reason I was there: back. I was trying hard to run my they could no longer handle the life, instead of letting the bottle run bottle, the bottle handled them; they it for me. had no choice in going to prison, the When I left prison on parole, I bottle made the choice for them. wasn’t looking to get sent back. My But while in prison they can sponsor in prison assured me that learn – through AA – why they AA would work and I had a kind of are there, and what to do about a faith. For the first time I was look- their lives. They can learn that they ing on the bright side of life. I had a do have a choice after leaving. They head start. I knew what I wanted. I don’t have to drink, and they don’t wanted sobriety more than anything have to go back to prison. Take it in the world. As I write this letter from an old ex-con alcoholic, AA over eleven years have passed with- will work anytime, anywhere, when out a drink. It has not been easy, the desire to stay sober is greater .but I have enjoyed it. than the desire to drink. As long as My two great desires are for a AA is in the world, there is hope sober life and to get the AA mes- and help. sage to behind bars. How do I stay My hopes and life are set on trysober? By trying to help my inmate ing to help the alcoholics in prisons. alcoholic friends learn of a new What about you? way of life without alcohol. When Carl M . , Miami, Flu.

October 1967

A way to be responsible From Philadelphia, Pa. : The alcoholic coming out of pris- without family or a home. Most imon b s been fed a strong dose of portant of all, he is without hope ugliness from sordid surroundiflgs unless he has been exposed to an and negative associations. He is AA sponsor who tells him he cares. ready for some beauty, but not the He needs no one to remind him kind he has usually sought – of the rotten things he has done in women. His mind will be very re- the past; his alcoholic conscience ceptive to anything which can in- beats him night after sleepless night spire or motivate him, providing he with only misery for companionis making some kind of an attempt ship. He knows by the mail, or lack at the AA program. This is when he of it, that he has no friends, and he needs to be surrounded by dedi- also has plenty of time to think of cated, selfless people genuinely the bridges he has burned in the concerned for his welfare but ex- employment field. He has but to perienced enough to understand his look ar und him to realize the total failures and wise enough to exercise g failure e has been in life No one is capable of more remorse and selfrestraint in matters which he considers of a personal nature. pity than an alcoholic who is im- After listening to a steady dose of prisoned. crimk and degenerate conversation, Now, not later, is the time for hi$, mind may be starved for a close personal contact with an acchange of topics – usually some- tive AA member who is responsible. , thing in the spiritual line (that is, if J. S. he is an alcoholic who wants AA). He is a man without a country, a man without honor, without friends, without money or a job – often

“It was in a dirty jail cell that a way of life first found me.”

had the chance of winning. Dope checking on my attendance. So I I thought I was dead and this was now soothed the sore -the memory rationalized my excuses as I’d al- the hell promised me. I Used -that festered within my thoughts ways done, and walked the streets As the days of recovery went on, of myself. With the anesthetizing in the same clothing I had worn I saw at last that there are no sup- AA flow of junk bubbling in my blood, I since the age of fifteen. ports for reality but reality itself. I no longer had to think about what I There was irony in the way my had reached an addict’s cementthought of myself. All perturbations mental obsession with and physical tasting bottom. This time I found a of ,the mind fled like ducks rising compulsion f$ drugs was finally way of life because I wanted reality from the water. Euphoria inflated ended. For many years I had pulled for the first time in a long time, and Drugs me. For seven more years I never almost every “score” in the book to I went in search of it. For once gave anything or anybody a chance obtain illegal drugs. I knew of an somebody did not come for me. to hclp me. The only hclp I needed over-the-counter drug found in a I went back to AA – as a drug or wanted was dope. nasal inhaler. ( I had heard of it in addict – and have lived as best I Let me list sources of aid that can jail.) I purchased some one day. I can, one day at a time, under its INE was a broken family, but be overcome if one cpntinues his went to my room, broke the plastic M that is no excuse for casting habit: lock-up rooms in private hosoneself off the stage of reality. There pitals; a parent’s love; competent case, and swallowed the cotton containing the drug. Two hours later, I program. I live still as a drug addict -with the disease arrested, not cured. The day when I leave this is no alibi that makes it worthwhile psychiatry; meptal institutions; loves could not breathe, my lips were world with the disease still arrested to end up down in a vault. I used you possess, but: don’t feel; friends; blue, I was dropping out. My heart I will be cured. The disease of drug narcotics to “cut” life. I was cutting dirty jail cells. seemed to be stopped. addiction is like reality itself. It’s life, all right -short! Those that It was in a dirty jail cell that a The strong thump of a large here to stay. It’s to be faced headbark from Haight-Ashbury to the way of life first found me. People man’s hand on my chest jolted my on. East Village to “Tune in, turn on, from a group called Alcoholics heart back into action. The help I use the Twelve Steps, substitut- . and drop out” will follow this three- Anonymous talked to me about how came from the same man I had ing drugs for alcohol in Step One. fold “psychedeliphony” philosophy they followed a path to sobriety and, worked beside years before when Of course, “No one can maintain till they drop out -forever. moreover, to reality. The name AA the gasoline exploded. It had been anything like perfect adherence” to At the age of fifteen, I underwent was not important to me. The pro- his negligence that caused the fire. these Steps. But in trying to, I find several skin grafts for third-degree gram of the club was what counted. Now it was his quick action that myself living the real way. I no I burns resulting from a gasoline ex- I was placed on probation for a saved my life. longer feel a need to feed my head. plosion. T o ease the pain, I got second time, with one of the stipula- The days following this incident I have eyes, ears, and fingertips. morphine injections regularly for tions being that I attend AA meet- are hard to recover in words. I still “God grant me the serenity to ac- . two years.. I did not realize what ings. As so many do, I went to a tremble when I think of how my cept the things I cannot change, was happening. few,.thought I knew it all, and quit arms and legs would not work, of courage to change the things’ I can, Just before the fire, my ego had going. After all, “AA had been those monsters peering at me and the wisdom to know the difbeen slapped smack in the face dur- forced upon me. I really didn’t need through the window, of the chest ference.” ing an athletic event in which I had it.” And the probation officers quit pain. I thought I was going to die. P. R., Laramie, Wyo.

April 1968

Helped in prison From Syracuse, N. Y.: After reading the prison Articles Now, a day at a time, I still atin the ~c’toberissue, I have decided tend as many meetings as my health to write because, like the AAs who will let me, and stay in constant wrote in the Grapevine, I found AA contact with members who underin prison -Jamesville Penitentiary stand my problems. Whenever the in 1945. The first time I got mixed going gets tough, I call my sponsor. up with the law, it was caused by I thank God I have AA for today, alcohol. In September of 1959, after because this is my way of life now, innumerable arrests, I went before and I try to give back a little of the judge again. I could have gotten what AA has given to me. Thank thirty years to life in jail. I had lost God AA was in the prison when I my home, husband, and four chil- needed help to learn to live one day at a time without alcohol. I. w. dren, and all my family disowned me. But the judge gave me six months. This is when I knew I had an alcoholic problem and found AA could help me if I would let it. When I was released, I got real active in meetings. Then, after being dry for four years, I went out and took a drink and in three days I was back in jail. Got a suspended sentence this time through the help of AA members. Seven months ago, I went to the state hospital and had alcoholic convulsions. Alcoholism sure is progressive.

February 1969

InrffMional AA can work! the place where he-found it himself. From WaHa Walla, Wash.: Earl is living proof that this AA Visits by “outside” AAs have fa- way of life really works if you try. en off some; but we are gettifig I notice that the groups around some new groups in the area inter- the state that visit us most faithfully ested in institutional AA, and I look are the groups that have former for a pickup in tempo soon. Pioneers in them. And this makes Saturday night was Seattle’s night me real happy. I love to see those for visiting, and one of the fellows ex’s come back sober, successful, who showed up was a charter mem- and happy. Their presence behind ber of this Pioneer Group in 1944. the rostrum carries a terrific punch Earl served over seven years in this -you can’t argue with success! institution, and since being released Our GSR also dropped in on us in 1950 he has always been a faith- Saturday night from Spokane. He ful visitor. He shows his gratitude by is a former Pioneer member, now carrying the AA message back to with fifteen years of sobriety and freedom behind him. Who says institutional AA doesn’t get results? Too many remember only the few who fail and completely overlook these quiet, unsung heroes who are making it big! D. N.

March 1969

MY Name Is Bertha.. . “

“They me [hat I killed a man . . . >)

money that I should have used to thought if they smelled whiskey on M Y NAME is Bertha. I am an Afro-American alcoholic. I don’t know when I became an alcobuy food for my two little boys. As time went on, I drank more. my breath they would lock me up, and I couldn’t live without my holic, but I do believe I became I was not able to hold a job – no bottle. I hated that judge for sendone because I drank too much too one wants a drunk around. I was ing me to a place with all those often. always able to get a boyfriend who drunks. I wasn’t an alcoholic! Oh, I I always blamed my drinking on had a joint, or sold whiskey, but it might drink too much at timesbeing poor, or on anything other didn’t last long. I would embarrass everyone I knew drank. But I don’t than that I liked what booze did for everyone. by coming in drunk or ever remember that any of them me, that when I had a drink I was passing out. Then it got to the place went to sleep in joints and woke up as big and had as much as the next I couldn’t drink without getting in with no shoes on in the winter, or person. I would never admit that I jail. On one of these trips, the judge fell out of chairs. But I did. I don’t was drinking too much, or spending must have thought I was worth remember any of them getting put saving, for instead of sending me to out in the winter because they didn’t jail he sent me to AA for one pay their rent, but to me whiskey month. meant more than a home for my I went to AA. At least, my body sons. went. I hated every minute of it. Things got so bad I was afraid to I couldn’t wait until the meeting was go on the street, so I turned to over to get a drink. I was afraid Mothers’ Aid. That was one of the to drink before the meeting. I worst things that could have h a p

— — – – – –

Ppd I 3 pened to an alcoholic woman. I would wait for the mailman each month, like any good mother, but as “Today I thank my Higher Power for giving me another chance at l i f e . .. 99

soon as he handed me my check, I put on my best dress and went look- I thought if the cops did come to served three years. It was there that I do think that some of the ing for my alcoholic friend. Once I the hospital the doctors would tell I really found out what AA was. I Negroes here -and other places, started drinking I didn’t care that them I was crazy and didn’t know had rejected AA on the outside, but too -are afraid to go to other the rent wasn’t paid, or that there what I was doing. But then one now it came to me in prison. Today, meetings. I just want to say that you was no food in the house, or that good doctor told me there was noth- I thank my Higher Power for giv- don’t have to be afraid, because no my boys needed shoes. I would stay ing wrong with me except drinking ing me another chance at life and one at any AA meeting will bite out until my money was gone. Then too much. He said if I came back AA and being able to try and help you. There are no color bars in AA. I would go home full of remorse, again they would send me to the some other alcoholic. I have been If you give us a try, you will see and wonder what I was going to do state hospital. I didn’t want that, so home since March, and have not that we are really human beings, until I got my next check. I stopped going to the psycho ward. taken a drink in four years. and we will welcome you with open In time, I began to go out and Now I had gotten to the place Since I have been in AA, I have arms and hearts. I am talking about forget the way back home. I would where I would wake up with black more friends than I ever had in my AA people, who have gone through . wake to find myself in some beat-up eyes and not know where I got life – friends who care about me some of the same things that you rooming house, where roaches were them, or wake up with a lot of and my welfare, friends who don’t might be going through now. crawling over everything. Then the money and not know where I got it. care that I am black and that I I’m writing this in my room at the time came when I couldn’t afford Later, I found out that I went into have been in prison. All they care Ken-Bar Inn, Gilbertville, Ky. I am” whiskey, so I turned to wine. stores and stole clothes, then sold about is that I am a human being at the Eighth Tri-State AA Conven- Finally, I got so low-down I was them. One morning I woke up with and that I want to stay sober. Since tion, where I have spent the weekashamed of my friends seeing me, a thousand dollars. I was trying to I’ve been home, I have been able end with nothing but white people. so I went to the worst joints I could remember where it came from, when to gain the respect of my two sons They haven’t eaten me yet! I have find. If it was daylight, I would go two of the biggest cops I ever saw again. So many wonderful things not seen a black face but mine since down alleys to make sure no one walked in and took me to jail. It have happened to me that at times I’ve been here, and if I didn’t look saw me. My father was and still is came out that I had sold a woman a I can’t believe this is me. I think I in the mirror I wouldn’t know that a minister, and I was afraid that I fur coat. The cops had picked her am dreaming and will soon wake up. I was black, because these people might run into him, or that some- up, and she told them she had The only thing that bothers me is treat me as one of them, which I one might tell him where I was, and bought it from me. I got out on bail that there are only about five am. We all have the same sickness, I could still remember what he had right away, but when I went to trial Negroes in AA in Louisville. Even and in helping one another we are done to me when I got drunk one the judge gave me thirty days. When those don’t take part in AA func- able to stay sober. Christmas when I was very young. my thirty days were up, I started tions as I would like to see them do. I am hoping that writing this may I felt that I didn’t have anything back on my rounds. I didn’t last I don’t know if it’s force of habit bring some poor, mixed-up soul into to live for, so I tried suicide many long. They tell me that I killed a or something else that keeps them the program. It’s time to stop findtimes. But I would always wake up man during that period, but I can’t in one place, but I do know that in ing excuses for drinking and getting in the psychiatric ward to begin an- remember anything. It was a total AA there is much work to do, and into trouble, because now there is other long treatment. After a while, blackout. Because I had been drunk, none of us can do it standing still. a way out, and if you want what we I found that the psycho ward was a the judge gave me only a twelve- I hope I haven’t hurt anyone’s feel- have, try coming around and giving , good place to hide when I had taken year sentence in prison. ings, but maybe we could all grow the program a chance. something stolen to the pawnshop. By the grace of God, I only and change. B. D., Louisville, Ky.

May 1969

AA behind prison walls learned about AA for the first time From Miami, Fla.: in my life. I didn’t hear any speak- I have finished reading in the ers, but I did hear the AA message January Grapevine about conven- of hope and love and understanding tions and convention speakers. and a way of life without alcohol. While I myself am not for or against Thank God they got their message conventions, I just don’t like big across to me, that somebody cared crowds. Besides, the places I go about me. That’s why my time is they don’t have conventions. taken up in institutional AA work. I go in jails and prisons. You see, C. M. I am an alcoholic and an ex-convict, and by the grace of God, just one day at a time, I have been sober thirteen and a half years. Thirteen and a half years ago, I was behind prison walls in Lewisburg, Pa. I had used up everybody and everything that was near and dear to me. I never had a visitor. I never even knew what the visiting room looked like. There, my friends, is where I

July 1969

Up for parole From Michigan City, Ind.: A week from Sunday, I’ll be the inmate speaker at the open meeting we hold here in the Education Building. My lead will be my own story. I am reading and rereading the article on “Anxiety, Tension -All Bad?’in the March issue of the Grapevine, as I go before the parole board this spring. Please keep up the good work at the Grapevine. Thanks a million. B. W.

August 1969

Around AA – –

the items on the form says, “Our group ‘ will consider Candle Lighters who are referred to us by the sponsorship program.” A footnote states, “We under- Items of AA information and experience stand we have no legal responsibility concerning the referred parolee. Our primary interest is in aiding him in maintaining his sobriety.” The secretary or GSR may sign if the group wants to cooperate. In addition, when a man is ready to leave the penitentiary, a letter . is sent to the local AA group giving a little bit of his personal history and indicating whether or not he has a job or when the man is available. He will not a legal sponsor. The following notation From “Inside” be required to make reports on this is made: “This information is being subto “Outside”- man’s behavior. mitted for the purpose of acquiring an 4. The responsibilities of the sponsor AA sponsor only.” How Sponsorship Can Help will be: (a) to introduce the parolee In transferring from the Candle Groups in institutions face an ever- to the local group; ( b ) to do what he Lighters to the local group, the parolee present problem of getting sponsorship can to help the parolee maintain his will not be entering a totally new world, for those on the inside before they leave, sobriety; ( c ) to help interpret the aid for many activities of this inmate group so there will be no difficulty in the transi- of AA to the parolee’s family through have counterparts in “outside” AA, tion. T o meet this need, the following cooperation with Al-Anon. AA offers no though some are designed just for the plan for parolees was devised by the promise of financial aid or job place- specific circumstances. The Candle Light- Candle Lighters Group of the Kansas ment. It does offer fellowship to share ers Group has a beginners’ “class,” a State Penitentiary: sobriety. Individual aid beyond this will closed meeting which undertakes a de- 1. When a man is approved for parole be solely the decision of the prospective tailed study of the Twelve Steps and and wants to have contact with an AA AA sponsor. Twelve Traditions, Steering Committee group in the community to which he is 5. It would be desirable for the local meetings during which business or going, his name, approximate date of sponsor to be able to have some contact changes are discussed and possible prorelease, and fuiure address will be sent with the man before he leaves on parole. grams suggested, and a Sponsors’ Cornto the secretary of the local AA group. 6. The route of communication, from mittee through which certain members 2. The secretary of the local group AA’s standpoint, will be: local AA of the group orient new members about will send the name, address, and tele- secretary to institutional AA adviser to the fundamentals of A A and talk over phone number of a local sponsor to the inmate parolee. problems that arise from penitentiary institutional AA adviser, who will relay AA groups near the penitentiary have living. The Sponsors’ Committee is also this information to the inmate. been circularized with a form, which responsible for trying to acquire a local 3. The sponsor will tell the adviser they are at liberty to fill out or not, A A sponsor for a member about to be that he is willing to help the man get indicating their interest in sponsoring released. into a group, and will ask to be notified members of the inmate group. One of – adapted from CSO Instirrttions B ~ t l l e ~ i n

September 1969

Back to prison-with the message From Walla Walla, Wash.: Inmate AA members hereOat a state prison have been allowed to attend outside meetings for over ten years. At first, they were only permitted to go to the local meetings held here in Walla Walla. Then, in October 1960, Earl H. was permitted to attend the State Assembly held in Yakima, Wash. Earl, having been originally sentenced by the courts to be executed for first-degree murder, a sentence which was later commuted, did not have a release date at this particular time. Earl was released on parole in December 1962, and resides in California. Since his release, Earl has remained active in AA and twice has made the long trip up from California to attend our AA open house, held in September each year. J. T.

December 1969

Freedom and sobriety From Miami, Fla.: I found my AA behind the prison walls. I have been out of prison over 12 years, but my concern has always been my inmate AA friends who are still inprison. I try to be of-help to them, and I am happy to say today I am an honorary member of six different institutional AA groups in five states, although I have suffered two heart attacks and am unable to work or get around much. I am still trying to carry the AA message through letters. I am tired a lot of times on the way, but I have never tired of the way. I know those fellows in prison are there for the very same reason that I was there; they could not handle the bottle, and I am proof, enough that institutional AA is needed, and that AA will work any time and any place .when the desire to stay sober is greater than the desire to drink. Today through AA I am enjoying my freedom, but freedom means sobriety. Without sobriety I am hopeless and helpless. C.M.

February 1970

Freedom Began in Prison

T HE STARLIGHT BOW^ is a lovely outdoor concert auditorium, set deep between canyon walls, high ing run out of friends and family, and feeling the fantastic courage granted by much red wine, I was an involved, active participant in AA. Delving deeply into the Twelve The Fourth above “beautiful downtown Bur- attempting robbery. Fortunately for Steps under the adept guidance of bank” in California. This summer the bar owner (and, as it turned out, the free AA members who came and Fifth Steps night held particular significance for . for me), I was captured in the midst in twice a week, I was soon writing me. My ten-year-old daughter Cindy of my bumbling crime. The police my Fourth Step inventory. Having help make was with me, her qilky, golden hair treated me fairly, even kindly. The completed this written confession to . spread over my knees as she rested court procedures passed swiftly, and myself, I made arrangements with beautiful her head on my lap. We were lis- within three months I was on the the prison staff to have an outside tening to the delightful strains of way to a state prison. I was to re- AA member come in to hear my music “Tales From the Vienna Woods,” at main there three years. Fifth Step, We were provided with a concert by the Burbank Symphony This three-year period became a private office and coffee, and spent Orchestra. the greatest, most productive time three hours reviewing the sordid de- It hadn’t always been this way.. . . I’d spent in all my thirty years up tails of my past. It was the first such Several years before this mem- to that point. During my confine- occurrence in that particular instiorable night, I was released from a ment, I again became active in my tution, and it worked out so well state prison, a stranger to my daugh- church, relearning many basic pre- that many men since then have ter and very apprehensive about cepts of good living. I used the been able to complete their Fourth how I’d behave in free society. I’d library facilities intensely, reading and Fifth Steps while still incarnever been able to cope with free- widely on philosophy and alcohol- cerated. dom before. ism. Most important of all, I became This inventory-taking was the Six years before my release, I stood at the bar in a local tavern with a pistol in my hand. I was a practicing alcoholic and desperately needed money to continue my latest drunk. Being too proud to beg, hav-

turning point of my life. An almost spiritual gifts, as well as the more immediate freedom from all guilt ordinary supplies of money and and remorse came upon me. I was goods. These great gifts come one literally free from my past. It was after the other in spite of my o n during this time that I learned what true freedom was. It had nothing foolishness and fumbling, as I v slowly grope my way towards the & ‘to do with walls and guards -it light of reason and love. The good had to do with a feeling inside. things increase in direct proportion Freedom is a state of mind. to my willingness to become more Today, I cherish my physical and teachable and humble in my daily emotional freedom with all my heart affairs. and soul. In order of precedence, it And so it is that a chronic daily stands second only to sobriety. What drunk, discarded by free society, an education AA has given to me! hating and rejecting the very society Everything I am or have belongs that spawned him, can come to ento AA in reality. More than tangible joy what many “free” people may benefits, AA has given me a way take for granted: a simple concert, to go, a way to live and live happily a wonderful summer night filled and abundantly. with beautiful music, and a sweet- Many blessings have been show- little child who loves and trusts her ered upon me during my five years daddy. and nine months of sobriety – great R. R., Universal City, Calif.

March 1970

“Too young”? From South Walpole, Mass.: Just a year before I came here, there was a friend of mine in our group, another young fellow like me, who killed himself accidentally while in a blackout. He got hold of some drain-cleaner, thinking it was a hangover remedy, and drank it. So there it is: He’s dead, and I’m doing life for killing someone while in a blackout. So anyone who might think he is too young should “put the toys away,” as they say. And look again. Two of us from the same group within one year! R. H.

April 1970

everyone was laughing at while the remember being hung out of a sec- . speaker related his tale of woe. To- ond-floor window by my feet. I day I know. remembered pulling him off my During my early meetings, I would mother, with the help of my brother ‘Let This AA Thing say a prayer silently: “Please, c o d , and two sisters, when he was choking don’t let me get away from these her almost to death. I mention this, people.” And to this day He hasn’t, not to ask for pity, but to show what Work for Me!’ for which I am very grateful. It has happened to me as the child of an been two and a half years, and my . alcoholic. last drink was on that day after Everything my father did, I did in An arrest record too long for his years court. When my probation was up spades. As a kid, I had said I would and I sent in the papers, I wrote the never drink like my father’- if I brought him into the Fellowship judge, saying, “Thank you for saving couldn’t drink decently, I just my life.” In fact, that is what he did. wouldn’t drink at all. But with my Had I not gotten to AA when I did, first drink I went on to get drunk. I I’m sure I would be dead, locked up, blacked out and passed out. And that or in a mental institution. T HE JUDGE asked whether I had heard of AA. I felt insulted. Wasn’t I standing erect and clean- I entertained everyone with my story of the court order seetencing me to’ AA. (Part ,,of the ‘probation re- Although I am young, now only didn’t stop me. Now, in AA, sometimes I turn the half past twenty-six, for me drinking tables on the bleeding deacons. I tell shaven before him? Couldn’t he see I quirement was to,,abstain from all and jail always went hand in hand. I them, “It’s nice to have you older was no skid-row bum? intoxicating beverages.) was arrested twenty-five times in sev- folks, who haven’t had to suffer like I “Yes, I’ve heard of it,” I an- Somehow, I made it to my room. eral different states and in Mexico. did.” But to the young alcoholics I swered. When I came to, I prayed – the I feel very fortunate to be where I say, “You’re sick, or you wouldn’t be “Ever been to one of their meet. most important and honest prayer of am right now – living! I want to here. Hang on with us. You’re in for ings? Had any contact with them?” my life. I said, “God – if there is a live. I enjoy life. But when I was a fantastic voyage.” “No, sir,” I said. God – please help me. Let this AA twenty years old, I felt that life was My life sober hasn’t been a bed of The judge flipped through the thing work for me.” over for me. I was home from the roses. I move furniture for a living. records on me. “I’ll put you on I called to find the nearest meeting service, having completed a three- My dispatcher doesn’t care what probation – providing you attend place. I remember walking up the year enlistment in the Marine Corps, Step I’m working. He just says, “Get . AA meetings,” he said. “No one stairs and hearing laughter and but through divorce I had lost my on out there and move it.” ‘ your age should have an arrest thinking I surely must be in the three-year-old and my wife. All I had I like to remind myself and all the record like this. All of it due to wiong place. Laughter was very for- left was a phony ID that let me intellectuals that I am extremely drinking.” eign to my experience. continue drinking, so I could forget dumb. I am so dumb, I haven’t had a I was twenty-four years old. I left The first person I met in AA was about my son and try to forget my drink since my first meeting. But I that courtroom, terribly sick and Bob L., a fine man with a terrific father. take none of the credit. It all belongs afraid, shaking and perspiring. I sense of humor and a quick smile. I You see, my father was an alcohol- to AA and the program of AA and walked into the nearest bar I could hadn’t had a drink in two days, but I ic. When I was nine years old, he the wonderful, gutsy people. find. I remember looking over my was still very sick, couldn’t eat much, committed suicide in front of our When I have a bad day (and I’ve shoulder to see whether a police car and was still sweating. At that first house. My mother was left with four been known to have some), I just was following me. After some drinks, meeting, I couldn’t understand what children. I could not be sorry he was become one of the “Keep the plug in dead. I could remember the beatings, the jug” set, and the day passes. I’ve

learned that when I’m very active past. Today, it is cleared away in my – with hospital and jail groups, own mind. speaking, and other Twelfth Step While in my first $ear of AA, I work – the bad days are few and far met a wonderful girl. ,We married. between. Left to my own devices, I Just last month, out. son was a year might be drunk. old. He’s a beautiful boy. At birth he AA to me is activity: lots of meet- weighed nine pounds and seven ings, sticking my hand out to new- ounces. I tell everyone he walked out comers, speaking when asked, being of the delivery room. If you think I, secretary of a group for a year. But am proud, you’re right! I am also the inside activity is just as important very, very grateful – to AA and to – for instance, the Fourth and Fifth all of you wonderful, honest, sober Steps. How could I possibly continue AAs everywhere. I wish all of you to take personal inventory as Step who are new the happiness and sobri- Ten suggests, unless I worked on ety that I found just by not taking the those first? And through the Steps I first drink and by trying to work the learned to forgive my father. He was program to the best of my ability. a sick man, as I was. My first mar- Thank you one and all. riage was part of the wreckage of the L. L., Studio City, Calif.

May 1970

We got together to help From Chicago, Ill.: The Pilot Group of Chicago was formed approximately five years ago by two exconvicts, one exinmate of mental institutions, and one “square John” alcoholic who had never been in any serious trouble with the law, but was afflicted with the same illness. Our group has a very simple message: Any inmate can come out of any institution and lead a decent sober life by practicing the suggested Twelve Steps of the AA program – if this is what he honestly desires to do. We do not and cannot find men jobs or a place to stay, or lend money to anyone. But we can and do meet all men with an outstretched hand of friendship and fellowship. We believe we can help anyone to stay away from that first drink, which so often leads one right back into prison again. C. W. P.

June 1970

– Prison groups and ‘outside’ Ms From Denver, Colo.: – – . — I am a five-time loser. Have been In this prison, we had a progrts; in seven prisons. Alcohol was the sive warden. He allowed ex-cons to From Moberly, Mo.: contributing factor each time. No, come back in, after they had been When I was arrested, I was at the they did not send me to prison for in “outside” AA for six months. end of the line, but I wasn’t ready being drunk. I went there because On one of the anniversary pro- to admit it to myself, let alone to I had committed a crime. I was grams, there were nineteen ex-cons anyone else. Since I have joined the prayed over, preached over, cussed (male and female) present. Then I AA groups here at the penitentiary over, and discussed every time I knew, if these people could make it, and training center, I have learned was released. No good! I still drank. so could I. I am now on the street a lot about this disease. And then back to prison. and trying to bring more AA back I wish to thank all the “inside” One Sunday AM, I went to my to the place where I got it. I am members of the Brighter Tomorrow first AA meeting. Eighty or more hospital and institutions chairman and Day by Day Groups for helping were there. One word stuck: “cour- for our area. And I am pushing to me, together with all the “outside” age.” At ten, in walked a guard with get more AAs to attend meetings of members I have met, for giving me three outside people. Every guy in prison groups. Will you, you,, and the courage to go forward. the roam brightened. These three you go? Make arrangements with If you are about to leave an “infellows called the cons by name. your local institutions committee. side” group, there are a lot of good Not numbers, but names. Shook Take a carload and have the finest AA people outside who are as close hands. And as they were called to sharing experience of your life. as a telephone call, and with their speak, I heard for the first time that help and the help of the Higher AA worked outside. Power, I know that you can work From this prison I was sent to this program and help others at the another one. Therq they had a’- same time. The real thing to rememstudy class on the Twelve Steps. ber is to work the program where More AA that I could understand. and how it will help you best. Step Two finally sank in, and I was BILL P. ready to go on. All this time, there were visitors from “outside” AA. Not many, but enough for me to ‘know that it did work outside!

July 1970

That was only the beginning for sober changes, it was gradual. I Prisons and Institutions me. Later, I became involved in a started to feel great comradeship jewel robbery with one of the men with the inmates. We had fascinat- One o f the most rewarding of AA’s activities has been its work I met there. I was in and out of jail ing talks together after the meetings. in prisons and institutions. Mutual understanding and respect many times before coming to AA. Without my realizing it, the wall have grown, and today we enjoy a high degree of cooperation I haven’t been back since – as an was being broken down. I was no from institution and government oflicials. Something of what inmate. longer an “outsider,” and they were this work means to those directly involved is covered When I was a little over a year no longer “insiders.” We were felin the following 11-page section of this issue: sober, my friend Barney asked me lowmen with a common problem of to go on an all-day institutional trip living and a common plan of doing with him. Although I said “Yes,” it something about it. was not because I really wanted to In this, my third year of sobriety, The Walls go. My answer had been prepro- I am the chairman of two grammed, by my sponsor’s sugges- state-prison meetings per month. It Came Tumbling Down tion that I should never say “No” is a great honor for me, and I look to any offer of AA activity. forward to the meetings with eager That which separated us faded away There was a lot of fear involved anticipation. They are an extremely with that first trip. I was still afraid pertinent part of my growth as a and we were fellowmen with a common problem I .. of talking in front of any group. I human being. I feel very fortunate was also afraid that my petty crime and grateful to have been given the dollar, he asked me what my “bee£” involvement would not be a source responsibility. I sometimes wish it M Y FIRST arrest and jail sentence were very frightening to me. When the judge said “Thirty days,” was. .. . 1

“Driving on a suspended license. of identification for long-term felons. I even felt some jealousy were within my power to command my fellow AAs to participate in in- I could hardly believe it was hap- Yours?” over their more colorful pasts. How- stitutional work. I know the indepening to me. The handcuffs were “Murder, Jack, murder!” ever, I knew that it was another scribable reward it brings and would new; the public’s staring at me was The days passed very slowly that step towards growth and insured like them to have it, too. The new; the twenty-four-hour booking first time, but I was able to adjust sobriety, and that I would have to inmates are no longer just “men process was new. It was all a new after a while. In fact, I noticed a face it. in blue” to me. I no longer see . and entirely different world. very unfamiliar kind of comfort My apprehension on that first in them myself-but-for-the-grace-of- When I was finally assigned to settling within me. It was the only visit led me to some slight exag- God. They are me. I am them. We a bunk, the guy next to me asked real comfort I had known, other gerations of my arrests. I felt un- are the same, except for those speme if I wanted to buy some ciga- than the sort I had gotten from easy about my talk and left with an cific traits with which God has rettes. booze and sometimes females. I empty and unfulfilled feeling. But chosen to endow each of us as an “How much?” knew precisely what had to be done something inside me persisted, and individual. What a relief it is to be “One dollar, Jack!” with each waking hour. I was I knew I would have to go back unconcerned with the nonexistent I wouldn’t be able to buy any for around other people who were in until it felt right. I did continue to difference. The prison meetings another twelve hours. We weren’t trouble, and I felt trouble-prone. make as many trips as possible have given me a feeling of oneness allowed to smoke during the entire My little traffic violation seemed through my second year of sobriety. with my fellowman at a depth I booking process, and what ciga- very petty all of a sudden. I was I don’t know precisely when or never dreamed possible. I am very rettes we had were thrown away. liked, and I think I was even happy how the change came. Like all my grateful. Thank you, Barney. When I handed my cellmate the there, with no image to live up to. D. S., Santa Monica, Calif.

July 1970

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prison partly out of frustration, divorce, a lost job, and another partly out of curiosity, and partly prison sentence. I will be here for inside and Outside because attendance was strongly not less than one and not more recommended by the prison offi- than ten years. The charge: unlawcials. In fact, when the judge had ful use of credit cards. Believe me, Wherever you are, it’s what’s inside the man this is not the easy-payment plan! sentenced me to two to fourteen ‘ that matters most years there for forgery, he had said We say alcoholism is a progresit was more to dry me out and sive disease. I have learned that AA straighten out my thinking than for offers progressive recovery -that coholic: terribly egocentric, with I AM AN inmate of a state prison and a member of Alcoholics perfectionist ambitions, but never Anonymous. We refer to our mem- quite living up to my “standards.” punishment. But, regardless of why 1 began attending the meetings, I is, if we really want it. And I do. It has become the most important bers here as “inside” and to all I have an above-average I Q soon found something I could grab aspect of my life, now and for my AAs who are not in institutions as (whether that’s good or bad), but hold of. To this drowning man, AA future. I am currently the secretary “outside” members. In my mind, I quit school after graduating from was my straw of hope. I became of our “inside” AA group, and I those terms have another meaning: the ninth grade. I was fifteen then, quite active in the group until I was know for the first time that I am the “inside” and “outside” of me. and I was already a member of the paroled, about fifteen months later. really “inside” the AA program, The outside is the obvious, that Colorado National Guard. Because Since I was (I thought) sincere spiritually, mentally, and morally. which others see and hear; the of the fighting in Korea, my unit about my sobriety, and since “no “Spiritual awakening” would be an inside is that which only I know – was activated and sent to Texas for drinking” was part of my parole inadequate description of my remy thoughts, feelings, fears, frus- training and preparation for duty stipulation, I continued my associa- newed relationship and communitrations, and anxieties, as well as in the Far East. Fortunately, my tion with +A for about a year cation with God as I understand my hopes, faith, desires, and am- mother interceded, which led to a after I returned to society. Then, as Him. I don’t despair that it took so bitions. This, I am sure, is true of minority discharge for me. my pride and my ego were rebuilt, long; I just thank Him every day all of us. From that time until I was I began to feel that I hadn’t really that I have found the way. I am thirty-five years old, and twenty-six, I pursued just about been a desperate alcoholic – I just I was born four days after the this is my second experience with every goal under the sun, both in hadn’t learned how to control and inception of Alcoholics Anonymous. AA inside a penal institution. I will regard to employment and in my pace my drinking. By then, I was Thank God for both events. I look not attempt to include here all the drinking habits -the former climbing the ladder to the stars in forward with joyous anticipation to misery and the unrewarding esca- mainly to provide for the latter. I radio and television broadcasting. being able to join with AA on the pades I have had throughout my was married twice and divorced Who ever heard of a star who “outside.” At this writing, with the drinking career. I will say, however, twice. Then I awoke one day to find couldn’t drink? It was socially es- grace of God, it may be possible that it began when I was very myself incarcerated in “the world’s sential, I was convinced – and, within the next few months. young, about nine. By the time I largest walled prison,” in Michigan. above all, important for my ego! R. P., Carson City, Nev. was fifteen, I was well on my way (Oh yes, I did everything in a big Well, that settled the matter. I toward being a qualified alcoholic! way!) It was there that I first came would keep my drinking under con- Of course, I didn’t know it then, into contact with AA and learned trol. Somehow, I got away with it nor did I find it out until several how serious and degrading my for nearly five years. I remarried years later. drinking problem had become. I my second wife, became a father, I guess I was a very typical al- began attending AA meetings in the and made myself quite well-known in my profession. These achievements were followed by another

July 1970

Hell’s Angel From the worst office and told me, “You are a hard- the guardhouse. After many such nosed alcoholic.” I laughed at this. incidents, I finally finished my tour to the best – the hope (I was only seventeen.) I asked if of duty and was discharged. I went that was all, and he said “Yes,” but back to my old job, but decided I o f service to those then he told me that if I should had had more fun in the service, who need him ever be called before him again, he with less responsibility. So I signed would put me in the guardhouse. I up for another three years. thought it was just a big joke. This time, I knew my way around

M Y FIRST contact with alcohol was at about the age of sixteen, in November 1956, when my About a month later, when I had KP duty, an incident took place that’ should have warned me. After – I thought. I repeated the same mistakes that I had made during the previous hitch. I was in and out younger brother was killed. From checking in, early in the morning, I of court, and finally, at my last that day on, I needed a drink to go went back to the dorm, took a bot- hearing, I asked them to kick me on living. I blamed myself for his tle out of my locker, and proceeded out, because I just could not make death. The hurt was deep. to get smashed. When I did not the grade. After a total of four years In December 1957, I went into report back to duty, a sergeant came and eleven months in the Army, I the Army. I soon discovered that looking for me. He saw the condi- was released with a general disbeer was sold at the PX, and I tion I was in, let me sleep it off, and charge. started going there every night, not got someone else to fill in for me. Again I was on my own and in leaving until they closed. Needless Later on, I was caught drinking the so-called free world. I thought to say, I was drunk during most of on guard duty and taken to court. 1 would give San Francisco a treat my basic-training period. My com- Being a good talker, I talked my by my presence. I met various pany commander called me into his way out of a thirty-day stretch in groups of people there. One of them

C; ‘ – -& -. – —

was the bike-riders (motorcycles), out of this prison?” I will be thirty years old when I not go back to prison. and that was the one I wanted to Well, after thinking over what he get out of prison this time, and I I want to say “Thank you” to all identify with and be a part of. After had said that night, I never missed have only AA to thank for my the AA groups for the help and six months of riding, drinking, another meeting while there. forthcoming release and for my new insight I have received from their fighting, and “showing class,” I be- Two years later, I got a parole. frame of mind. Now I will have a teachings. I hope some day I can came a member of the Hell’s An- I was dry for five months and felt chance to make something of my- become part of an institutions comgels club. For the following two pretty proud of myself. Then one self. I know that my real friends mittee, so that I can help further and a half years, I was a hard-core, of Those Days happened. I had to and my real happiness are going to our work in the hospitals and rough Hell’s Angel. This was my contact a friend, and while looking come from my association with AA prisons of this country. I have been whole life. for him I had occasion to go into a I groups. So long as I accept the fact there, and I know how much as- In 1963, I met a girl, one that bar where he was known. I had my that I cannot handle alcohol, I will sistance is needed. I really cared for. She thought she first drink, then another and an- R. L., Susanville, Calif. could make me stop drinking, so other, until I was well on my way temporarily I gave up the Angels to oblivion. When I got home, my and drinking, but it did not last. I sister told me that her husband had would not or could not give up the broken her arm during an argument. drinking and the life that I had In my drunken state, I reverted to been accustomed to. So, as the my old self and went out looking saying goes, “If you can’t lick ’em, for a gun and my brother-in-law. join ’emw- she became my seat An hour later, I was in the custody

! partner. S 9 got the fever and wanted to earn to ride and fly her own “colors” (the club jacket). of the police. The charge was possession of a firearm by an ex-felon. Back to prison I went. In 1964, I was sent to prison for While in a guidance center, 1 bevarious reasons. I was bitter, mean, gan attending AA meetings again. and tough. This attitude lasted un- When I was transferred to a contil I met a person I liked and re- servation center about two months spected. We kicked around the later, I went to the meetings of the nodrinking idea, but it really did Cascade-Sierra Mountain Group. 1 not appeal to me. Finally, I weak- was honestly interested in AA, and ened and attended my first AA after three months I was placed on meeting. In my frame of mind, I the steering committee of this group. felt out of place with those squares. At the next election I was elected One evening, my friend came over sergeant-at-arms. As time went by, to my unit and asked if I would go I was elected secretary and began with him later that week. I told him, holding AA “meetings by mail.” I “Man, those people in AA don’t dig planned the sixth annual conferme.” ence, which came off beautifully, At this, he asked, “Who do you and there I met all of the people I care about? Who do you want to had been writing to -a real honor help? Do you yourself want to get for me.

July 1-970 /,Ar — . – –

the same thing on the outside – A Beef From Australia especially Steps Four and Eleven. You see, we in prison have some- Or maybe just another alcoholic thing that the average AA member doesn’t have – plenty of time. As with a resentment a result, inmate members often emerge from prison with a solid I AM AN inmate of a South Aus- ness, I do think that a number of tralian prison, and I’ve got a other factors should be considered. beef. At our regular AA meeting, I I have been wrong so many times grip on AA principles. Of course, some members may feel that a former prison inmate heard one of the “outside” visitors in the past that one more time has to “prove” himself. I fail to see say, “You will be accepted as an wouldn’t matter a great deal, but I what we would have to prove. That equal when you leave here and at- don’t think I am in error when I we cannot handle booze? I’m not tend AA meetings on the outside.” say that our problem is in ourselves, going to hit the bottle again just to These were wonderful words to rather than in the bottle. I believe prove that! Or would we have to hear. But this same speaker spoiled that stinking thinking could be the prove our honesty? No, it cannot it all when he added, “You will be cause of my drinking again. There- be that, because the Third Tradiregarded as new members.” fore, I endeavor to adjust my think- tion says, “The only requirement His words seemed to imply that ing and lift my thoughts onto a for AA membership is a desire to inmates who found AA in prison higher level. I can do this through stop drinking.” were not exactly regarded as being the AA program right here in this As I see’it, long membership in full members (no pun intended) prison. AA does not mean one has obtained until after they were released. I Come to think of it, I believe it complete safety from alcoholism. can understand that the prison in- is easier to devote much more time I’d hate to think that I would ever neither new nor old, just members? . mate may not have the same oppor- to Steps Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, get cocky enough to believe I could This is important, because people tunity to obtain booze as the Seven, Eight, Eleven, and Twelve never slip. Certainly, many older like me cannot afford to let any sort outside member has, but, in all fair- in a prison than it would be to do members have a better grasp of the of resentment grow within us. We program than new members have, cannot afford to feel slighted or rebut no one is completely secure, as jected. We cannot afford to feel experience has proved. I know that inferior, especially if we have whole- I need the inspiration, strength, and heartedly adopted the program experience of older members, and while “inside.” DeSt~ctiveemotions I welcome this help, but I doubt led us to the bottle in the old days, that their grip on AA is any more and we don’t want to take that path resolute than mine. In fact, I like again, ever. So, now that you have to think that, whether we are “in- read my beef about the prospect side” or “outside,” we are all on an of starting over as a “new” member equal footing in AA. when I am released, please remem- Therefore,, may I suggest that ber that I am just another alcoholic men or women released from prison trying to get rid of a resentment. be regarded simply as members, A. K., Adelaide, South Australia

November 1970 –

‘Outside’ AAs needed ‘inside’ ~rom South Bend, Ind.: The first time I went into a prison From South Walpole, Mass. : to attend an AA meeting there, an If I may make a contribution to inmate asked me if he would see the Grapevine, I’ll add to the article me again. Now, many 24 hours later, entitled “Inside Outside” in the July it is my pleasure to attend this group issue. I was arrested and have been twice a week. Why AA in prison? confined for more than a year at a Because eighty-five percent of the Massachusetts correctional instituinmate population is there directly tion. The outside speakers who come or indirectly because of booze. here to carry the message to us in- One hundred and forty inmates ‘ side AA members deserve a lot of hold weekly AA meetings at a mid- credit. We are the Andy J. Group. west prison, and the outside AA C . W. people very rarely attend. Why? Why don’t you go to a jail, hospital, or prison this week? They will be so glad to see you, to hear a new voice, to get a new look at AA, to see a miracle walking around sober and happy. Why, they might even let you get them a sponsor, tell you ‘

their story, or even cry on your shoulder. What will you gain from all this? Wonderful friends and a deep understanding and love of the alcoholics who still suffer. A great humanitarian, the late Dr. Albert Schweitzer, once said, “If you have never wiped a tear or consoled another, you will never find real happiness, and the only thanks you will get from helping another is the privilege of doing it.” It’s a duty. Why not help an alcoholic inmate to find the sober, quiet way to walk with others in this wonderful Fellowship of AA? Won’t you give it a try today? AL S.

unshin

Presenting a 9-page section Come on AA’s work in With Me prisons to an AA Meeting Behind the Walls

M ANY PEOPLE have asked, “You mean you go into a prison to talk at AA meetings? What’s it rates us from the guard. When this door is opened, we walk inside. Now we are in the area that ali like? Do you ever get threatened? visitors, whether on foot or in ve- Aren’t you afraid, being around all hicles, must enter. The driveway is those criminals?” wide enough to accommodate a large Come with me to an AA meeting truck or bus. A massive oak door, behind the walls. Discover what it is reinforced with steel straps, must be like to spend an hour in prison. opened to allow entry of vehicle I The maximum-security prison is traffic, and then this door must be located on a main city street, and it closed before the next door, which is surrounded by a gray stone wall gives access to the prison itself, is about sixty feet high. Three of us opened. The locks securing these approach the front door and ring the doors must be released with a key highly polished brass bell. A peep and with an electric switch that is slot opens, and we are checked. activated by a guard in a bulletproof Then the heavy wooden door swings glass and brick room, high above open, and we state our business. A ground level. door of heavy steel bars still sepa- We sign in and are given badges,

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4Yr which must be worn at all times the room seems inattentive until one don’t give up – there are no hope- few have no families. To them, we ” while in the institution. We talk to of us says something that, to him, less cases. Whcn we break through are a kind of foster family, their the guard as we wait to be released is a contradiction. His hand shoots their reserve and finally gain their link to the outside world. from this area. He is courteous, like up, and he questions the visitor trust, it is a satisfying and deeply Last goodbyes are said, and we the rest of the staff, but we must be closely on the point. If we really rewarding experience. retrace our steps through the prison frisked before we are allowed to go have goofed in a case like this, we There are a few questions about and the yard and out to the recep farther. Carrying contraband into, practice the Tenth Step and admit 1 our personal stories, and these points tion area. The last two doors are or out of, a prison is a serious offense. it; if not, we explain exactly what we meant. If we don’t know the i are discussed around the room. There is some lively give-and-take on our unlocked, and we are outside the high gray walls once again. The We walk across an open area and answer to a question, we say so; I pan and by the members of the weather has become damp, and the through an unlocked door into the later, we get the answer and bring 1 group. This has been a good meet- air is a conglomerate of big-city visitors’ section. It is just as de- it back when we come again. Many ing, because most of those attending smells. We don’t really mind – it’s picted in the movies: short, squat of these men think we’re “playing have participated. So it is with gen- free air. There are no more locked stools; a heavy wire screen to sepa- an angle,” and if we are to win their uine regret that we see the group doors now, only the sweet taste, rate the visitor from the inmate. We confidence, we must be completely secretary point to his watch, signify- feel, and smell of freedom. walk through this area and through honest in our dealings with thcm. ing the end of the meeting. While driving home, I think of two more sets of locked doors be- The toughest part of prison AA We say the Lord’s Prayer and all the things I have done that could fore we reach Center, the control work is gaining the confidcnce of the talk for a few minutes with the guys have put me behind those same area of the institution’s activities. men. There aren’t many people in who stop to thank us for coming to walls. How very fortunate I am, not We are logged in at Center and the world that these guys trust – the prison. They are grateful that only that I am not in prison, but taken through another locked door if anybody at all has their confidcnce. we have taken the time to come in that I have the opportunity to reto the meeting room. A few will open up, and we gct to and bring thcm a meethg. The AA build my life through Alcoholics We wait, sitting at a table, and know them, and we may even cor- pcople are the only outsiders that Anonymous. It is a way of living watch the members of the group respond with them. There are those some of these men see; often, their that is worth sharing. drift into the meeting. Some of the who may never trust us, but we families have given them up, and a F. S., Philadelphia, Pa. faces are familiar, but there are a few new ones, as always. Some we Why do know from other prisons where they they come in here have served time, and others are Something More Than Selfish to talk ro a ‘ first offenders.We have a good cross bunch of cons? section at this meeting. There are the cynical, the wise, the scared, INCE BECOMING a member of asked this question has led me to do comes here is obviously coming to and the scarred – and, we hope, a few of the winners. S AA, I’ve been asked many times, “Why do those people come in here some serious thinking. There are numerous things that these visitors maintain his sobriety. One of the axioms of AA is that one should ‘

The meeting is opened, and we almost every Sunday afternoon?” could bc doing on any given Sun- attend as many meetings as possiconduct it just as we do any AA This question refers to the AA mcm- day afternoon, especially during the ble. However, an outside member’s meeting on the outside. Some mem- bers from the outside who share the I summer months. Why, then, do they own sobriety cannot be his only bers of the group will ask questions; fellowship of AA with our group choose to come into a prison to talk reason for coming here. Most of our others will not even look up while here in the Vermont State Prison to a bunch of cons? visitors could attend a meeting closer the meeting progresses. at Windsor. Since AA is generally agreed to to their homes. Consequently, it A member sitting in the back of The frequency with which 1 am be a selfish program, a member who must be something else that mo- . I

no different from the alcoholic on group. Their especially emphatic for this institution. These two men the inside. In fact, alcoholics world- promises of welcome into their own had nothing but praise for all whom wide can identify with each other. groups are something to remember. they had met. They agreed that they Our futures hang by identical The offer of help extended to our had been most graciously welcomed threads – that one drink. Conse- group is of significant value because by everyone and had never been quently, outside AA members fit it tells us that we aren’t alone; some- made to feel ill at ease. So they must very well into whatever meeting they 1 body does care and is concerned. have been given an honest and sinchoose to attend, even a prison Among the members of a prison cere greeting. I was not one of the meeting. group, a show of concern is ex- lucky two; but, judging from; the I’ve been favorably impressed by tremely important. Many of us have, glowing reports, it’s something to each of the outside speakers whom for years, felt all alone and for- work for and look forward to. Obtivates their presence. I’ve had the pleasure of hearing. I saken. As a result, we have more viously, we all can’t go to outside I choose to name that something am impressed by the ease with which or less given up on life. With the meetings. But I will try to do what else “concern” -concern for their they adapt to a meeting under these realization that there are people who must be done to become one of the own sobriety and concern for our circumstances. Most important, I care, a new lease on life has been fortunate ones. If our visitors are sobriety. Any alcoholic can relate am impressed by the obvious sin- given to us, removing one of our any indication of what to expect at to another. We have a strong, com- cerity displayed by our visitors. Al- major “reasons” for drinking. an outside meeting, I am sure that mon bond in that our lives became most to a member, they urge all of Recently, two members of our my attendance would be a most reunmanageable due to ‘alcohol. The us, upon release, to affiliate our- group attended an outside meeting. warding personal experience. alcoholic on the outside is basically selves immediately with an AA It was a rare privilege and a first Walter B., Windsor, Vt.

A Taste of Happiness The program reaches inside prison walls to light up a lost life knew whether I did or not. My the people who liked the same. things T AKE A LITTLE GIRL full of fear, anxiety, and insecurity; mix these with a life of loneliness, heartforgery and auto theft. The sentence: five years. I came from a broken home. My mother and stepfather both worked, I did. There were six of us girls who and there was no one around when were together all the time. We ache, and emptiness; and you have parents separated before I was I left for school, no one when I came learned to shortchange customers, the makings of an alcoholic. I was born. My first drink and my first home. At the age of eight, I had my steal, strip cars, and roll drunks. By this little girl, and I am an alcoholic. drunk were at the age of two. Later, own door key. When I was twelve, the time I was seventeen, I was a My name is Jackie, and I am no I never sat down to an evening of 1 went to work after school, wash- dice girl and a prostitute in Chicago. longer a little girl; I am a mature drinking that I didn’t end up on the ing dishes. This is where I learned That resulted in my first arrest. woman and an inmate at the Florida floor, out like a light. T o me, drink- about pills and what they would For the next two years, I really Correctional Institution for Women. ing was first nature and bars were do. got down to steady drinking and This is a nice name for the women’s my second home. I went to school I ran with whomever I wanted- pill-popping. By the time I was ninestate prison. 1 was convicted of if I felt like it. If I didn’t, no one you can be sure my friends were teen, I was in the hospitnl with a

nervous breakdown, after an at- three. He had to be holding my to go on from there. There have been times when I tempt at suicide. Shortly after that, hand, because the total number of I did this, and what I saw made thought, “What’s the use? The 1 was married. This lasted for nine years for my charges was 183. me sick. I began to hurt inside. The harder I try, the worse things get.” years, and I had two beautiful chil- I wasn’t scared, because I didn’t tears started to fall, and words that But I had had a taste of happiness, dren. The drinking stopped, but the care. 1 had gone as far down as I I had never spoken before came and I knew who God was, and I drugs continued. I had eight doctors could go. What came next, I was from my heart: “God, please help didn’t want to lose what I had gainand two drugstores that I was going not concerned with one way or the 1 me and show me the way.” He has, ed, no matter how little it was at to, not counting the other places other. After all, 1 had had to sleep for every day of the two and half the time. So I held on and kept trywhere pills were available. At the in deserted houses and junked cars years that 1 have been locked up. ing. Then came the day when I was end of nine years came another because I had spent all my money I asked for help, and it came to able to help others in -the selfsame breakdown and a divorce. on a bottle. So prison wasn’t so bad. nw fronl every place in the country way that 1 had been helped. My second marriage was to a At least, I had a bed and clean – from fellows and girls who are in There are times when I feel that fellow fresh out of the Army, a de- sheets. I had three meals a day, com- places like this, from people on the 1 have gained more than I have voted drinking companion. This pared to going without food because outside and from the girls in here, earned, that I don’t deserve the h a p lasted eleven years. 1 introduced him a drink was more important. from officials and from chaplains piness I have. But I am deeply to the pills, and in time he acquired For the first six to eight months and from God. grateful for it. I know that in order as big a drinking capacity as mine. that 1 was here, I fought against There has been a great transforma- to keep what I have, I have to give 1 had a part-time business of boot- everything everyone tried to do for tion in me. From derelict to human it away. To keep my self-respect, I legging combined with prostitution, me. The very things that I longed being. From misery, loneliness, have to respect others. To keep my so we had a very good income. Then for, I turned my back on – school. heartache, and emptiness to peace self-confidence, I must have conficame the travels, all over the United friends, religion, and AA. of mind, contentment, happiness, dence in others. To keep my happi- States, by car and hitchhiking. In my first few AA meetings, I and love. ness, I must try to make others We had four children, and it is heard stories about women who had I have had to work hard for what happy. T o keep the love that I have, only by the grace of God that three spent the grocery money on booze I have today- every minute of I must love others. To live with God, I are still alive. Our son died one and had left their husbands and every day, seven days a week, for must live for Him. In every way, month after his birth, because I children for a week or so. Big two and a half years. I have had my I must live AA. couldn’t let the pills alone. This deal! If that was all I had ever done, share of disappointments and hurt. J . J., Lowell, Fla. left us with three girls, and what then I wouldn’t have been in here. we did to them can never be What could this program do for erased from their minds and my someone like me? But I continued Knowledge Didn’t Make M e Sober heart. For this, I wiIl pay the rest to go to the meetings, and on March of nly life through memory and 23, 1969, 1 met one of the most regret. fascinating men I have ever met September 11, 1968, I was ar- in my life. He had a look of peace, But through A A he came to believe I WANT to thank you for publishing my article “Anatomy of a Slip” (originally entitled “External Cirrested for auto theft. After I had contentment, and happiness. Yet cumstances”) in the November 1970 been sent to jail, the other charges of his life made mine seem like that that there is Grapevine. The article was written forgery came to light. I was prose- of a Sunday-school teacher. He told a good way and submitted over two years ago, cuted in three separate counties and me what the AA program and way when I was confined in the Orange received a five-year sentence. They of life had done for him. His advice out County Jail, at Goshen, N.Y., facsay that God looks after drunks, was to follow the Twelve Steps, ing the prospect of a life sentence as fools, and thieves, and I was all to take a good look at myself, and a habitual criminal. Due to a change

to prison was the only thing that waking day, from 7:00 A M until the therapy in the world cannot cure ever really kept me sober. 11:OO PM, forty other cons and I my alcoholism, that only I can arrest Now I am again on the verge of try to discover and work on our it-with AA. release. I have been in a voluntary own and each other’s problems. We Perhaps this program I am underrehabilitation program for the past have trained professionals to help us; going will give me the insight and fourteen months, a member of a we have a daily community meeting, emotional stability to avoid future therapeutic community. The state weekly group therapy, individual slips. I pray that it will, and I ask in the state laws, the sentence was has spent $10,000 to put me through therapy, a ~ ad sociodrama session your prayers also. not effected, and I was given a term this program. Every hour of the on Saturdays. But 1 know that all J . McL., Dannemora, N.Y. of four to six years. I passed my forty-fourth birthday last July, and my twenty-third year behind bars. Every crime I was I’m in Prison- but I Feel Free arrested for was committed when I was drunk. 1 used this as an excuse He’s learning for a long time. I blamed judges, to face the truth cops, my family, and my teachers, and be honest and I blamed myself. I thought that the courts should give me help and with himself understanding. Instead, they gave me time, yet never so much at a clip that I couldn’t do it. There was always the prospect of release to I A M THIRTY-EIGHT years old and serving a ten-year and a two-totwenty-one-year sentence for rabto practice the Twelve Steps, especially Step Four, I have come to believe that the blame was entirely had a spiritual awakening as a result of the AA Steps. I do not claim to be following them to the letter, work towards. bery and aiding a prisoner to escape. my own. but I keep trying. I feel that there I tried to use the time to study The two sentences are running con- I started attending AA meetings has been a great change in my life, myself, educate myself, learn to currently. in August 1968, was appointed edi- and I have more peace of mind than deal with people. But the educating I have now stopped counting the tor of our Bur-Less Magazine in I have ever experienced before. and the dealing never kept me sober. times I was arrested. I cannot blame Septenlber 1968, and was elected I knew about the AA .program Group therapy, religion, love as a the law for my being here. I can’t secretary Of our group in June 1969. for many years, but it wasn’t for philosophy of living never kept me blame my ex-wife, either. I can’t Since becoming a member of AA, me, I told myself. I wasn’t an alcosober. Knowledge that alcohol was blame her for divorcing me or, for I have made a deal with myself. holic. Yes, I got drunk hundreds of a chemical and that I was pitting that matter, for anything she has From now on, I’m never going to times. I had blackouts. I said and my emotions against a chemical re- done. I sure can’t blame my won- let myseff feel that I could better did things I couldn’t believe when action did not keep me sober. Dur- derful children and my brothers and my posit% by lying. I will face the people told me about them later. I ing the last years, the period that I sisters. My dear mother can’t be truth and learn to live with things was arrested and sent to prison. I wrote about in the article, I had lost blamed for my actions; she has tried as they ate, 24 hours at a time. I brought shame and heartaches to too much. I saw nothing ahead but to guide me in the right direction all know th% first 1 must be honest loved ones. Still, I lied to myself a succession of dreary jobs, with my life, but I had too much pride to with mystlf. about not being an alcoholic. sheer existence providing its own listen. I hope, and pray that no one will I’m living now just for today. I’m reason for being. It was easy for me Now, after accepting the fact that ever agar! be hurt by my actions. still in prison and will be for some to slip, then. Fear of being returned I am an alcoholic and doing my best Yes, 1 sa\d “pray,” because I have time to come. But I feel free -free

from my old self. a lot to be thankful for. I have two I am now learning a trade that girls by a previous marriage, one will be helpful when I get out, and nineteen and the other fifteen, each I will be eligible to appear before recently married and expecting a the Clemency Board as soon as the baby. The younger told my mother course is completed. To be frank, I she hopes her baby comes first, so don’t know what to expect when I she can claim to be the first to make appear before the board, but I do me a grandfather. I have a son who know that, out of all the times I is sixteen. When my older daughter have been arrested, I never asked was married, he had saved his for a break or got one. This time, money and had a bank balance of 1 will ask with the humility AA has $700. He gave his sister $100 of it taught me. for a wedding present. Would I ap- I am living now just for today. I preciate these things and count my remember a lot of things that hap- blessings without the AA program? pened in the past, but I won’t let I’m afraid not. them get me down. One of the AAs Here in this prison, there arc 247 from the outside who come to some of us who are being exposed to AA. of our meetings told me something My deepest prayers go to my Highcr that hit home. “We crucify ourselves Power to have all of them make it between two thieves,” he said, “re- and to continue on the program, as gret for yesterday and fear for to- I fully intend to do, when the prison morrow.” How true this is. bars are behind me. In spite of my past errors, I have C . W . M., Michigan City,Ind.

December 1971

Three ‘inside’ impressions of AA From ~ o l l a r ddes Ormeaux, Que.: v v – – I am a co-sponsor at the Leclerc Not being an alcoholic, I must I first joined AA out of curiosity, Institute of the federal penitentiary confess AA didn’t seem like anywhile seeking a program that would St. Vincent de Paul. We hold r e y – thing worthwhile for me. After all. be of assistance to me in trying to lar AA meetings on Monday night, I wasn’t a drunk, and liquor had overcome my problem of readjustbringing in a guest speaker, and the no part to play in my being incaring back into a society of acceptboys inside provide an “inside spon- cerated, so why bother with this organization? Didn’t I have enough ance, after too long a period of sor.” Attached is the last Newsletter, incarceration. At the first meeting, I troubles? Well, I honestly can’t say with concepts of what three inmates was greatly impressed with the sinwhy I did attend. However, I have feel towards AA. I asked them if cerity that I found amongst the memnever regretted it. they would like me to send this to Surprisingly, I found something bers, particularly our sponsors, and you people and see if it could be here that was, in my mind, as rare the guests, who were also members published. They said okay. an environment as I have ever found of the AA. The more I got involved, 1 have been going to the pen for in or out of prison. At the time, I the more I fell in love with the phiabout ten months, and I never real- remarked to the members in attend- losophy of the program and its memized anything was getting through. ance that, instead of AA, it could be bers. When 1 saw this Newsletter, I was called “Love Anonymous.” The fel- Since then, I have had the pleasamazed. E. P. lowship and understanding that exist ure of attending one of the AA conv vention meetings on the outside, and I joined AA as a Monday-night as well as the patience and unselfish- also have been invited into members’ pastime, but it just struck me last ness shown by the sponsors, were a homes on two different occasions, night, after listening to our guest complete revelation to me. As a new and never have I been treated with speaker, that this program might be con, I feel that I can only benefit by as much kindness and understandable to do something for me. The participating in this wonderful or- ing. With what I so far have found reason I feel this way is because this in thc AA program and fellowship, man struck home with his topic. 1 cannot help but believe that any- From the looks of the situation, this one can apply this program to thcm: program can possibly help me lead selves to help thcm ovcrconle any a decent life. I sure do hope so. problenl that they have, and also to MIKE D. help them develop a bettcr characganization. Unselfish help like that, ter, with more understanding of their with no ulterior motive, can only fellow human being, and a much lead me to the road of rehabilitation. happier and more successful life. I And that is the name of the game thank the power that created and in here. GERRY 2. led me to Alcoholics Anonymous. GERRY D.

March 1972

Following is a letter received at the Grapevine ofice, a letter which sets the scene for a most unusual article. Without scientific information, and without the knowledge that comes to A A members, the writer presents a penetrating study o f alcoholism and the alcoholic. . . Currently, I am confined in San Quentin Prison under the sentence of death. I have written an article about alcoholism how it helped get me here on death row, and how I found out, too late, to say the word “alcoholic.” Would you be interested in reading my manuscript? I know AA has a membership here at the prison, but at the present I’m in no position to contact any of the members for any information. I would appreciate hearing from you. R. W.K.

The Unknown Alcoholic

W HO HAS the worst habit, the addict or the alcoholic? I’m no doctor and have no medical degrees, six days out of every week. My drinking ran from whiskey across a mahogany bar when I had When the morning comes, he has a flinisy excuse ready. “I was so tired, I sat down on the couch and Why don’t you stop drinking?” From there on, he’ll probably have a half-dozen different jobs until but I’m an expert when it comes to money, to wine in a trash-littered fell asleep.” And he’s too sick to eat he finally says, “Oh, I’m not going drinking. I found out too late to say alley when I was down and out. But breakfast, but he’ll never admit it. to work for a while. I worked long the word “alcoholic” and ask for let’s not consider my life with the He’ll come up with an excuse – “I enough. I think it’s time I collected help. Now I’m on death row, and bottle. Let’s take an unknown alco- don’t have the time” or “I’m run- some unemployment that I got. comthat bottle, with all the nerve in it, holic. He is living for just one thing ning late.” ing.” He doesn’t let his family know helped get me here. – his next drink. Before he reaches his job, he’ll about his getting unemployment Let me tell you a few things that What happens when an unknown stop and have a drink, telling the checks. an alcoholic will do to get a drink. alcoholic becomes a graduate drunk? bartender how sick he is. Then he Now he has to make sure that he I hope it will help someone to under- First he starts staying away from has a few more to start the day right. has enough money to drink on. He stand that drinking is a sickness, just home, and tells his family that he Sooner or later he’ll lose his job. usually gets the check sent to some like any other disease. And the “un- had to work late. But believe me, he Believe me, he will. I’ve lost many bar that he is familiar with. That known alcoholic” has the worst sick- isn’t working. He’s on some barstool jobs for this reason. way he can drink up his check, plus ness of all. drinking. He doesn’t come home un- When he does lose the job and his the money that his family will give First let me explain what an un- til he knows that everyone is asleep. family finds out, the first thing they him. And the family will give him known alcoholic is. He is a person And most of the time he falls into a say is “You should be ashamed of money -to’go out and find himself that has’ never been in jail or a hos- stupor on the couch or floor instead yourself. What’s the matter with another job. They never think of pital for his drinking, yet he is drunk of on the bed. you? Are you crazy or something? him being an alcoholic.

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He can think up some of the best lies, to get more money to drink, “Most people are’ afraid of the word ‘alcoholic.'” while his family thinks he is out hunting for a job every day. Here was go to a bar and drink it up. for a few dollars. broken many homes and h e a q I are some lies, and I know they work. From then on, he’s headed for the From then on, his life is shot. He don’t know how many it’s put into I’ve used them myself. gutter if somebody doesn’t come to stays at cheap flophouses .that cost mental hospitals and prisons. “I got a job today and it’s really his aid and help him understand fifty cents a bed, and shares the bed Some states are calling it a disa good one. The pay is good, but that he’s sick. with a couple dozen bedbugs. He ease instead of a crime, but are they before they will let me go to work It usually takes an alcoholic from doesn’t think of eating or working. treating it as a disease? I have to buy. safety shoes.” He’ll three to six months to get into the All he wants is to get a bottle. Once I’m sure that you have heard of then say, “The foreman said if I go gutter once everybody stops giving he gets it, he’s happy. He’s got the “the cure.” They put the person in to this particular store, they have him money. He starts out owing thing that he loves. And he doesn’t a hospital, pump his stomach, and the type of shoes I need. They cost everyone in the neighborhood. Then love anything but his bottle. give him medicine for his nerves, $15 to $18. Don’t worry about the he writes a few “small” checks to What an alcoholic goes through is and keep him thirty to sixty days. money. I11 give it back to you pay- stores where his family is well unbelievable. But you can pick one Well, it’s no cure, it’s just a dryingday.” known. When the checks bounce, of these words -terrible, horrible, out period, and it’s not going to stdp Payday comes around. “They held the family will pick them up, then sickening. None of them will come the alcoholic from drinking. All ‘t back a week’s pay. 1’11 need enough make an excuse as to why he did close to what he goes through every does is give him a thirst. f money to go to work and lunch for such a thing. By this time they are day of his life. Just to get a drink. The day before he leaves the hosanother week.” so disgusted and sick they don’t There are so many things that an al- pital, they sit down and tell him: Or “I got a job today, but I have know what to do. But they still don’t coholic does that it’s almost impos- “Don’t go into taverns. Stay away to have $10 to get into the union realize that he’s sick. sible to put them on paper. from people that drink. Most of all, ; before I can work.” The first thing that comes to their Relieve me, I know. I’ve been don’tbdrink yourself.” These are all These are just a few lies, and minds is “Maybe we’ve been helping with that bottle. good sayings, but before an alcoholic there are many more. The alcoh~lic him too much. We should let him A person that everyone calls a can even think of doing these things, becomes a pretty good liar. He has get out on his own. We’ll give him a drunk, bum, and wino. Think about someone has to tell him, and make to. little money to get a room, and that it. He’s a very sick person, an alco- him understand, that he’s sick and When he really gets hooked on way he might get himself straight- holic. needs help. the bottle, nothing in your house is ened out.” But they don’t know Help him. God, someone help When you ‘can make him’ believe safe from the pawnshop. That’s what they are doing to him. They’re him! that he is sick, you’ve got the biggest when the family starts making ex- putting him right into the gutter. Most people are afraid of the word part of the battle over with. cuses for him by saying, “You must Why? Because in less than two “alcoholic.” They don’t even want There is only one cure for drinkbe gambling.” It doesn’t enter their days, he’s drunk the money up, and to think of it or speak of it. But peo- ing, and that is: love and underminds that he is an alcoholic. They now he doesn’t have anything. No ple better start talking about it. They standing. know he drinks, but that’s all right, roof over his head and no money talk about sex and think nothing of Show the alcoholic that he is since he’s always home early. He for food. The only thing he’s got is it, they talk about crime and think wanted and needed. He doesn’t need can’t be getting into any trouble, so a suitcase full of clothes, and before nothing of it, but mention “alco- sympathy, and with God’s help he it must be gambling. the day is gone he’ll sell them and holic,” and they look at you like might have a chance to hate the They finally quit giving him mon- drink that money up, too. When you called them a dirty name. Well, bottle instead of loving it. ey. They still don’t realize that the that’s gone he’ll head for the near- it’s not a dirty name. It’s a dirty dis- But he can’t do it alone. only thing he’s done with the money est blood bank. That’s always good ease, and it’s ruined many lives, R. W . K.,Tarnal, Calif.

February 1972

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to work. 1 was paid each day, and to find a beautiful apartment. Strange that helped. -in thirty-one years I’d never paid Will That night, I went to a meeting in any rent. I’d either lived in a place Pomona. My sponsor ran the meet- with others or family, lived off woming. He asked if he could give his en or men, or whatever, to pay my Not Return pitch time to someone who just got way. So now 1 had a new job, my out of prison. They said yes. I spoke own pad. Man, I felt great! Out from to Prison up to him and put my hand in bis, for about twenty minutes. Everyone the walls, sober, with many friends. and we greeted one another. We liked what I had to say. After the Freedom to go to the meetings 1 as a Convict” picked up my bags and left for great- meeting, many people came to talk wanted to, go when I wanted, eat and shake hands. We got to know what I wanted. It was great. er Los Angeles to talk to my former one another. Again I felt great. Then something else happened. A A A people boss. I went in, and he told me, can’t hire you this week.” But the had promised to hire me the day I ‘f So this started my AA in South- woman sold me a ’64 Chevy for ern California. I came out of prison $50.00. 1 went around a corncr. A with the thought in my mind to stay police officer stopped me and gave and AA principles got out! out of prison and not to drink. I me a ticket as long as my arm. No are easing the way So I went back to the car and kept going to meetings, hoping to taillights, no turn signals, one headsaid, “I don’t have a job.” All 1 had to a new life find a group where I could feel at light. So I took the car home. The were the clothes on my back and home. And I did, in the Pomona thing 1 thought funny at the time $40.00. And I was scared. But I area. knew that drinking would only make was that I had no ill feelings about Now, I tried everything I could to the ticket. 1 felt the officer was just it worse. So I stayed with my spo4- get either a motorcycle or a car to doing his job, like I do mine. This sor and his wife. We drove to Po- T HE DAY I walked out of those iron gates of Folsom Prison, I made a promise to myself: “I will mona, stopped to eat, and then went to their home. get to work. But I had no money itself was honesty, given to me via and no credit. And who would sell AA. me a car on $2.00 an hour? But I not return to prison as a,convict.” I made phone calls to my parole One day, I walked into the top did not drink. Drinking would not clothing store in Pomona and open- That night, January 18, 1971, I officer, to let him know I was in help. So I didn’t worry about it. ed a clothing account. attended my first AA meeting as an town, and to a friend I had once Then a friend of mine talked to I kept working! My boss told me “outside” member. When I walked worked for. The friend hired me for her boss and told him no one would I was still doing a good job. I got a into that meeting in San Francisco, $2.00 an hour. That meant I had give me a job, because I just got out job change at a fifty-seven-cent-anmany people came over to me, put some money coming in. of prison. So he said to come in. I hour increase. their hands out, said, “My name is That night, we went to the men’s -,” and tried to make me wel- group in Pomona. The meeting made did, talked for an hour, and started Then one day I got a phone call. to work February 1, 1971, for this It was a girl I had met one night in come. 1 don’t have to say I was very me feel great. I could talk freely, big company at $2.20 an hour. (By Rcseda. We had spent a lot of time nervous on my first night on the out- and I did. I met a lot of great peothe way, the friend was a member of with each other. She called to say side. I met many people who said, ple, had some good AA talks after AA.) I started by cleaning up the she wanted to see me. So 1 went. “Keep coming back.” the meeting. Then my sponsor and place, and I tried to be the best. The next great thing -we got Wednesday, January 20, 1971, I got on the plane for Los Angeles. another AA took me to a hotel o stay. t After two weeks, my supervisor told married. We had a beautiful wedme, “Ron, you’re a great worker.” I ding. We are very happy. My sponsor and his wife were wait- Thursday, January 2 1, my sponsor came to the hotel and took me got a ten-cent pay increase. 1 still attend meetings in Pomona, ing for me when I arrived. I walked Then a friend of mine helped me Los Angeles, Reseda, Ontario, Chi-

no, and Claremont. I speak when- of credit. I have a very understandever I’m asked and do whatever I ing and beautiful wife. I live in a can to help someone who may go better place, a ten-by-fifty-foot modown that same road I did. I feel bile home. I also have many, many{ great going to the meetings with my friends in the program. wife. Also, when we have children, Now I understand why I never 1’11 try to apply this program to their made it before. I tried to do it’mylives (if they want it). I’m very sure, self. That’s why I went bac as they grow up and see how happy their mother and father are, they’ll “a0 prison. Now we, as a group, can nd will make it,’ with God’s help. For also want to share their lives with this I’m grateful. So I say to all the the wonderful and understanding many people in AA, thank you! people of this simple but beautiful You have given me a new life. program. Everything that I have is because of So here I am today, still sober. AA. I’m still in the program of AA. I’m Thank you for listening to my still honest. And I’m still happily story – an ex-convict trying to find married. God and stay sober and honest and 1 now have a ’65 T-Bird, fire red close to God. (almost paid for). I have all kinds R. E. L., Pomona, Celif.

Unusual prison group From Bristol, England: I am a sponsor of the Leyhill Open Prison Group, near Bristol, in Gloucestershire. It is in a penal establishment where men serve up to life imprisonment in open conditions. They say there is only one lock in the place, and that is on the food cupboard. This present group has been in existence for three years, and we believe it to be the first prison AA group to be allowed out of the camp in order that they may visit normal “outside” groups. They are allowed four visits per year, and are accompanied by a warden in plainclothes. Some of these wardens have stayed to listen to us and have expressed their admiration for what we try to do, and have been sincere in their thanks for being allowed to stay. Such is the confidence of the authorities that, when arrangementsfor a visit to Bristol Prison by people from an AA convention in Bristol fell through and I was asked by the convener if I could arrange an open meeting at Leyhill to take its place, I was able to tell hin~all was okay. That is what I call AA working! I really intended to relate a joke you niay care to use in “Once Over Lightly.” I enjoy my reading of the Grapevine and have used some of it in our meetings, so thanks from me and all of us. w. 11.

September 1972

know a God of my understanding, given Fellowship. I have been com-

AA at Attica and I hope never to leave this closeness to God.” The first man that spoke remarking to Attica for twelve years, and this has been one of the most rewarding meetings I have ever ated, “A guy came up to me in the tended. Every time I walk out of Following the riot at Attica prison, the Grapevine re- yard just before the riot and said, the front gate, I have a feeling of ceived a letter sharing the experience of prison A A ‘I have a problem, and I sure would having received more than I gave. metnbers who were there. An editorial decision was like to join AA.’ I said, ‘I’ll fill you Today, it was a feeling that even in made to hold this material while investigations were in in.’ He never got the chance, as he all the trouble, we had seen another progress. Later, we requested further information on was shot in the ensuing riot.” AA miracle. May God in His gracc the situation as it is today. These two pieces touch upon If you had been lucky enough to the experience and report conditions as they are now. give us another start in Attica, so hear this handful of men and their that many more men may have an- AA talks, you would be very proud other chance of life. to be a part of this wonderful God- C . R. S., Ruhlo, N.Y.

I when I came back N NOVEMBER, from the first meeting of ‘the Attics Beacon Group since the riot of 1,158. So you ‘can see about half have been transferred. We now have about thirty-five in the group, with Survival With the cooperdon of prisot~autl~orities,coul the September 9, 1 wrote down a few twenty-three present today. thoughts that came to me. . . . We had a discussion meeting, and help of dedicated “outside” sponsors, First, 1 will fill you in on the I wrote down manv of the comments the Bccrcot~Group goes on group. It has been in Attica twenty- that were made adout the riot by the four years. We have had great success with the group. The figures are: Something like eighty-four percent members of the group. “I was scared. I prayed and was lucky to have a member with me. I P RISONS A R E probably second only to the armed forces and hospitals as rumor factories. I was the place. In November, the 10th to be exact, the group’s “outside” sponsor and some other men were nuke it on the outside on parole, had an inner feeling that God would glad that you wrote when the rumor able to go in and meet with the few and only sixteen percent are viola- look after us. As things got worse, reached you about “no outside com- remaining members of the group. tors. This figure is reversed for the I tried to get this across to my AA munication.” I think it is a splendid Since that time, the Attica Beacon men not in the AA program. friend. I knew God was helping us testimonial to our program that AA Group has met weekly in the prison, Our last meeting was September so we would be of some service to is, as far as I know, the only outside and those of us from the outside 8, the day before the trouble started. the AA program.” \ group which has been allowed ac- have come in on the second Wed- We were very glad to be back as His AA friend said, “I came to cess to Attica since the riots. nesday afternoon of the month, ususoon as this. We didn’t think we believe in God and the AA program Yes, AA meetings are being held ally with a speaker. would be able to go back. inside for on that day. AA meant more to me in Attica now. The survival of the In addition, there was a Christmas five or six months. in that moment than it had in all Beacon Group is one of the few party December 22, attended by As everyone knows, much dam- the meetings I had ever attended. bright spots of that horrible week. over twenty-five men from outside. age was done to the prison. On our Many times, I said the ‘Our Father’ The regular meeting was held Sep- The prisoners served a nice lunchlast visit, there were 2,258 in the with no meaning at the end of the tember 8 and ended just eighteen eon provided by the Department of prison, and as of today there are meeting. On this day, I came to hours before the prison “dropped Correction, and we had a fine time. off.” In October, it was still physi- On April 26, we celebrated the cally impossible for us to get into twenty-fifth anniversary of the group,

which must be one of the older Group to do much for itself. These prison groups in the country. There men lost everything-most of them, were twenty-two inmate AAs and all their personal possessions, even twenty-seven AAs from outside, and eyeglasses and dentures in some it was quite impressive. Ernest L. cases. The prison, being all stone, Montanye is the new warden, and concrete, and steel, didn’t burn, but he is a real friend of AA. He has just about everything in Cellblocks arranged for coffee for the meetings, B and D did. something which was not allowed It is heartening now, however, to , even before the tragic events of Sep- see the group beginning to function tember. on its own. Instead of the previous Of course, the very heavy dam- large group of seventy-five (out of age suffered by the prison and the more than 2,000), there is a reguterrible loss of life have combined lar group and a beginners group. to make the meetings and the oper- They meet separately except on the ation of the group more difficult. said second Wednesday, when five But both Warden Mancusi,’who left or six (sometimes more) “outside” February 28, and Warden Montanye AAs come, including a speaker who have been most cooperative. The leads off the meeting. Discussion meeting rooms, the office equipment, then follows. The men in the group the mimeograph, all the records, all are making their own arrangements the files, and the mailing lists were for the few leaving on parole. They destroyed when the chapel was com- are making a particular effort to inpletely burned out. For the present, sure that only alcoholics who mean we are meeting in the mess hall, business are allowed to come to the which is not too cozy, but then, At- meetings. \ tics has never been what I’d call a The “outside” sponsor is very cozy place. modest, but I can tell you that il The various groups on the Niag- was probably he who, by getting ara Frontier, including the Niagara right on the prison administration Falls-Hamilton (Ont.), Rochester, and on the various outside groups, and even Syracuse areas, plus some was able to keep the Beacon Group individuals, contributed close to alive. Western New York is con- $2,000 for the Attica group to spend servative country, and it wasn’t alon new equipment and supplies. ways easy to enlist outside support. Many of us have given our files of On the other hand, I must say that the Grapevine, as well as assorted every group I had contact with rebooks and literature. We don’t think sponded very cheerfully and without this is a violation of the Seventh malice t o the request for their Tradition, since in most respects it brother AAs. just wasn’t possible for the Beacon D. K., East Aurora, N.Y.

January 1973

Half a lifetime behind bars – one hitting m e right between the From Ballouville, Conn.: eyes. My name is Del B. and I am an I then began to get active in the alcoholic. I was released from Brook- program. This is when I realized that lyn State jail in December of 1971, I had spent half of my life behind where I had been transferred from bars, and all because I thought I was the state prison. “living”- never really trying to find I am thirty-five, and seventeen myself or my problem. I had to go years of my life have been spent in back to prison again to find out who institutions. I have done many many I was and what I was. I was out of foolish things in my life, but one of prison only two weeks when I was the best things I ever did was join asked if I would go back and put a AA in prison. I joined because I meeting on. wanted a parole. One night, a speak- Well, I have been going back er came in from the street and he every Wednesday to put that meetsaid his name and he said he was an ing on. 1 work with Warden Richard alcoholic. He said that when he Hill. This man has approved scven drank he stole a car or anything with men to go to outsidc mcctings, and a motor in it, and this was like some- he has just approvod something I bclieve is n first anywhere in the country. He has approvcd another inmate to go to a meeting of Gcncral Scrvice Representatives with me – an ex-con. DEL B.

April’ 1973

Prison AA goes co-ed From Fort Worth, Tex.: Thanks a million for sending me the January issue of the Grapevine, ,-which .contained my message. It feels good to be in AA again, and also to read the excellent material in the ‘ Grapevine. I am presently in the Federal Correctional Institution at Fort Worth, and assigned to the STAR (Step Towards Alcohol Rehabilitation) Unit. This is the only co-ed Federal facility in the nation (perhaps in the world). We attend AA, and the fellowship of both men and women in the AA program serves a manifold purpose. While prison AA has its benefits, usually there is still the limitation of “men only.” Along with our co-educational AA program, our members are allowed to go to meetings in the Dallas-Fort Worth area on AA passes with outside sponsors. As the officials here would attest, we have had phenomenal success. This is really an innovation in penology. Thanks again for keeping in contact, and keep the Grapevine rolling off the presses, Our members here read it faithfully each month. Best regards to the staff. W. J. D.

May 1973

Letters to a prison group –

From Seattle, Wash. : Glad to hear the AA program is Well, it’s been six months since I alive and doing well in Shelton. I’m left the old place, and I now feel my still going strong, 24 hours at a time. attendance at the Searchers Group In my own way, the program works meetings while there was no waste for me. After over seven years of soof time. In fact, it may be the most briety, I’m still only one drink away important period of time in my life from a drunk. If I’d worked toward up to now. What I learned from the a seven-year goal, I wouldn’t have group and AA has opened up a lasted a week. whole new world for me. I now have I was sorry to hear some of the unlimited numbers of people to help old members had slips. I’m sure they me or advise me in any and all prob- will make it back on the program. lems that arise, and people for fun, When I got out of Shelton, 1 was games, and companionship, too. scared to death of going back to my This is the largest return on the old way of life. It was all I knew. smallest investment that a person I went to a meeting every night. The could make. I found a completely people in the group helped me get by that very crucial time. Without their help and the AA program as a guideline, I wouldn’t have made it. I know you guys can count on the same help. See you guys at a meeting. DALE L.

new world by simply investing ten cents in a phone call to the AA information center when I arrived in Seattle. For this richer and happier life, I will always be grateful to the Searchers Group and to what I learned there at Shelton while I was incarcerated as a guest of the state. CLAUDE

I

.. February 1974 –

PRISON AA 1I , An eight-page section reflecting something of the A A experience in penal institutions

Seven-Time Loser

I ‘VE BEEN very fortunate since finding AA. In May 1953, I attended my first AA meeting, at a state prison. I had just been passed over by the parole board and had to do five ,

more years. I was wanted outside, . and my track record was pitiful. A seven-time loser doesn’t expect a welcoming committee. Upon my release, July 17, 1957, I had $7.40, the clothes on my back, and a suggestion that I leave the state (my native state, by the way). I also had an ex-wife, long remarried, a daughter 1 was no longer ablc

to claim, a lot of remorse, and a bit useful lives. And I rnow there are going to church, but I knew they Step Six of self-pity. But I was determined many more out there doing the same were no better than anyone else, so Were entirely ready to have God to stay sober and stick with the AA – more.miracles of AA. I took a dim view of religion. Also, remove ull these defects of charwinners. Let me say I had many So please, pal, don’t forget that in one joint, the resident preacher ucter. helping hands 1 didn’t deserve. I guy or gal back behind the walls and was a parolee from another joint and Since we didn’t really believe in wasn’t a nice person. bars of prisons and jails. Someone was a homosexual. Oddly enough, u Higher Power, our only defect was 1 was able to return to a voca- carried the message to me and to this detracted not one whit from his not having gone out for track in jional school, learn a trade, and ap- you. And let us not forget the men- ability as a good fire-and-brimstone ply it to my livelihood. (I had never tal institutions and drug hospitals. I preacher. Then, in another joint, in completed grammar school.) was there, too, before I found the the therapy classes conducted by the . My sixteen years of freedom hasn’t answer to my problem. I don’t know psychiatrist, it was made known to all been roses. It was hard to adjust how to write this with frills – I’m me that religion was just a stopgap. after a life devoted to drinking, not a fancy guy. But every 24 hours, It would do until the real reasons for crime, and floating from place to wi* the help of my Higher Power, antisocial behavior could be found. place. But it’s been better than do- AA, and a grateful heart, my life Then religion could be done away ing time! I’ve met several men in has become victory. God love you with. Needless to say, we stayed high school so that we could out- AA I served time with in prison. all. away from church in droves, because run the gendarmes. They’re sober, like me, and living D. D., Curtice, Ohio we had it from an expert that re- Step Seven ligion was phony. Humbly usked Him to remove our Step Four shortcomings, Prison AA Made a searching und feurless Our only shortcoming was that morul inventory of ourselves. we had a rat-fink partner on that What did this have to do with last caper. A Con4 Twelve Steps drinking? Anyway, 1 knew people Step Eight who never drank and were rotten to Made u list of ull persons we hod the core. harmed und became willing to make With negative thinking and self-willrunning riot, Step Five mends to them ull. these are t h e steps we took Admitted to God, to ourselves, If the square johns couldn’t watch and to another human being the their stuff, they deserved to lose it. Step One greater than ourselves could restore exact nature of our wrongs. Besides, a lot of them had stolen We admitted we were powerless us to sanity. Since God was dead (the so- to get what they had. Every one of over alcohol … that our lives had Since I was really all right, just called experts told us), “wrongs” us was just a modern Robin Hood become unmanageable. a victim of circumstances, the only was only a six-letter word with no (no pun intended), with a .38 in- I admitted that alcohol had quite power that could help me was the meaning. If it was not a moral uni- stead of a bow and arrows. a hold on me -the same way that parole board, which could restore verse, then our rule would be Step Nine . food and sex did. I loved all three. me to freedom. “Do what you will -just don’t get Marie direct utnen(lsto such people But if people would just let me Step Three caught.” If there was no reward wherever possible, except when to alone, stop meddling, 1 could man- Made a decision to turn our will and no punishment, the world’s most do so would injure them or others. age my life. and our lives over to the care of perfect human being and the world’s “To thine own self be true.” We Step Two God us we understood Him. worst scoundrel would eventually lie translated that as “Never squeal on ‘ Came to believe that a Power In prison, I saw a lot of convicts side by side in oblivion. yourself.”

Step Ten His will for us and the power to Continued to take personal in- carry that out. ventory and when we were wrong Since God didn’t punish evildoers, promptly admitted it. we concluded: “Forget Him, and get “Donate to a Korean orphan- yourself a good lawyer.” age,” we told ourselves. “That way, Step Twelve the parole board will see that you Having had a spiritual awakening have a heart. Meanwhile, stay with as the result o f these Steps, we tried your on-the-job training. It takes to curry this message to alcokolics, special skills to open some safes.” and to practice these principles in I a cheerful virtue.” So how can I get and I agree with him, but without, Step Eleven all our aflairs. this guy to laugh at himself? I can’t, sympathy, just mentioning that wind-. Sought through prayer and medi- ” ‘Spiritual awakening’ is baloney. but 1 can tell my own story of how shields are expensive to replace these tation to improve our conscious con- Preaching, however, is good. Billy it was at first, and then the laugh’s days. Wc all three agree a thing like ‘ tact with God us we understood Graham makes $20,000,000 a year.” Him, prrrying only for knowledge o f ‘ B. K., Independence, Iowa 1 on me. It’s so funny to lose your mind. I look up at the ceiling and that can sure get into your drinking money. mention that I don’t see any foot- The guy is wide-eyed and overprints. He gives a short – very short flowing with gratitude, because we Prison A A -laugh, saying there should be foot- came in to see him. He wants to buy prints up there. us a soda as we’re leaving, but we Jail Visit We tell each other about our crazy say. “No thanks. We just had dindriving. He remembers wondering ner.” There’s surprise on the guy’s I can tell my own story o f how it was, how the staff of a road sign got into face. There’s a light in his eyes that the cab of his pickup, right through seems to have brought them a bit and then the laugh’s on me his windshield and stuck into the out of the depths of their sockets. mctal alongside his head. He must Maybe that light is hope- hope o THE GUY’S in this cell and my arm around him and tell him it’s S there’s soda-pop cans on the con- all right. But 1 don’t. 1 know that’s crete floor. The bare john is over the last thing I want to show this have been going kind of fast. Bill that there’s a way out after all. S. M., Sujord, Ariz. next to the wall. The guy’s T-shirt guy openly. I’ve got to get it to him is kinda crummy, but his hair is without him knowing it – that I I Prison A A combed. He’s nervous. He’s calling care. I’ve got to save his pride. He me “sir,” and I’m just in clean jeans may learn to lose it if he ever gets Three Years Sober and Free and an open-necked shirt. The other the program, but he needs his pride H A V E BEEN reading the Grapc- wasn’t willing to go to any length caller with me -Bill – is sitting on now to get him by, get him past this the bed with the recovering drunk, time when he’s on the edge of going I vine for four years and enjoying cvery article I’ve read, so I feel it’s for a different way of life. Within an hour after release, I was intoxicated and I’m squatting against the wall to pieces like a shorted dynamo spin- about time I sent in my comments and shoplifting. The freedom was and my legs are getting cramped, so ning faster and faster and faster until and appreciation. short-lived. In twenty-one days. I I slip to the floor and sit up against everything flies out of it, all the sol- My first communication with AA was sentenced to six months for car the wall. dering that’s holding it together, and was in an institution in Florida in theft in San Jose, Calif. This alone This drunk’s eyes show he’s hurt- then the big pieces. 1965, at the age of twenty. At the should have given me some sign. ing, hurting bad, and I want to put “Humility, after the first shock, is time, I hadn’t hit bottom, and I This insane living was halted in

January 1969 by a very compassion- Prison A A ate judge, who sent me to a California medical institution for treatment. He said that I was not a menace to soci- Rebuilding on the Wasted Years ety, but a menace to myself, and that whole miserable life. There has been told I must forgive myself if I want I needed help. I entered the AA program in May I ‘VE BEEN in prison many times and for many years since 1 was a 1969, hopeless, frightened, angry, teen-ager – and was sentenced to five a lot of progress, and 1 don’t want to stay.sober. One five-year sentence to lose what I have today-my was for not reporting to my probaand -to my knowledge – without years for raping a girl. I didn’t know self-respect and friends. I pray for tion officer. I was carrying guns, a friend in the world, completely I’d done it, because I was drunk. faith, for in this prison it can be knives, and whatnot, and the way I alone. As the Big Book mentions, I During that first prison term, I learn- hard at times and self-pity and mis- was hating pcoplc and myself, only I trust can take hold of me. But I God knows why I am alive today. went at the Twelve Steps like a ed how to be a criminal. drowning man. To add to my desper- When I got out, I tried being hon- know that, with God in my corner, I would like Grapevine readers to ation, I was doing six months to fif- est, but all I got was rejected, so I I can live a normal life and I don’t know that someone inside a prison teen years this time. I was in a hurry tdmed to drink again. Booze put me have to pick up that first drink. writs to help them, and maybe it ‘ to find an answer. in another world -carefree, no wor- Thinking of all those years in pris- would help them and me if we could I’ll shorten the novel J could write ries. Soon 1 was in prison again for on for rape hurts me inside every correspond. about the wonderful program and three years for rape and again an- time 1 consider what 1 did, but I’m A . R . Jr., Bridgewater, Moss. ‘ the things that have come to pass, other time for five years. I never by just saying this: I was released learned a thing and only thought of in nineteen months and have been in getting out and getting drunk and the streets ever since, three years, making people pay. sober. Now I’m back for from four to That’s the longest I’ve been sober six years. But this time I’m in a state since the age of fourteen and the hospital and I’ve been introduced to longest I’ve been free since the age AA, and this has changed my outof sixteen. The compulsion both to look completely. It’s a year since drink and to steal has been lifted, by these wonderful people opened up the grace of God, as the Big Book this new world to me. They have promised. helped me to look at myself and If this is printed, may it serve as convinced me that I can do somea Twelfth Step call to those in insti- thing about my life. I want help, and tutions. My friends, if it will work I’m getting it from AA. for me, it will work for anybody. I realize that I have to work hard Ed. S., Las Vegas, Nev. with this program to make all the changes in myself. I feel I can reach out to help others, which I never dreamed of doing before. I try not to think of all the wasted years. I’ve only been in the program for one year, but it is the best year of my

I I March 1974

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nished bv AA members. Now s u p AA program works in its own way. pose we offer to help the judge deciie We have found, by years of trial and Sentenced to AA? the sentence. Why, it would just be error, that it does not work in all cooperating -we might tell him – those other ways. How we can cooperate with the courts – if he let us determine what fine Up until now, it seems to me, we should be paid, whether the license have often made such decisions withwithout afiliation should be taken away. etc. out much deep thought. The results No matter how tactfully we made are being felt: Many members are s I SEE IT, we can cooperate with I have also spent lots of time ex- A the courts in attempting to re- changing ideas and ignorances with habilitate the practicing alcoholic many AA members in various dethe offer, the judge would let us know pret-ty fast that we were stepping out of bounds, wouldn’t he? disgruntled; many groups, in discord. This is dangerous in any fellowship. In AA, it is doubly dangerous, bewho has been caught in some mis- grees of emotional stress and pig- Any judge who would agree to AA cause our individual and collective demeanor or felony, but we, as in- headedness like my own. And I affiliation in any part of his adju- lives depend on a certain amount of dividual AA members or as AA would like to share the resulting, dicatory powers wouldn’t be worth quist, sane agreement among ourgroups, cannot affiliate with the early-morning, . meditative thoughts his share of our tax money, would selves. courts -nor with any other outside with you. he? By virtue of his training and The impact of the cooperationenterprise, no matter how worth- First, we deal with a positive and skills, he knows best how to do his affiliation problem is not all bad, while. a negative in that we can cooperate job – and the same applies to AA, though. As we’ve seen time and Look up the two words “cooper- and we cannot afiliate. Having seen by virtue of our’ special knowledge, again, once members are aroused ate” and “affiliate” in your Webster’s. how alike these words are, we must hope, faith, and strength. from comfortable lethargy (“Let . Go on, 1’11 wait. . . now seek to find out how they difler. Dare I try to put the spirit of the The point is, affiliation is usually someone else handle that”), they Very similar, aren’t they? Mean- that step beyond cooperation which scurry around locating copies of the ings almost the same. Confusing? principles involved here in a nut- we must not take. If we took it, we “Twelve and Twelve”; find Tradi- You bet! shell? Feeling gutsy, I’ll try. We (AA would run the risk of hurting AA as tion Six; then read the others, too; In our area at this time, the usual and a court or any other agency) a whole. (We have to watch Tradi- go to a good meeting where our litdilemma over the similarity has aris- can work together toward a common tion Four when making even minor erature is prominently displayed; get en, as it always does when an issue goal -helping the alcoholic, provid- questionable decisions.) the pamphlet “Cooperation but Not seeming to involve this AA principle ing he wants help with his drinking Let’s turn that example around Affiliation” and read it for themneeds to be faced and resolved, so problem. But we cannot interfere and see how it affects AA members selves; also, get the leaflet “AA in that our precious unity can be re- with each other’s job otherwise. and groups seeking to cooperate Your Community” to read the list stored. It will be easily seen how this with the courts. We must look fur- of things AA does not do. I have spent many hours with our works. Let’s suppose the presen- ther into our program, our spiritual Then our discussions begin to ‘AA books, manuals, and pamphlets, tencing stage is over; the offender’s principles, our unifying Twelve Tra- have real meaning! When our group Webster’s dictionaries, Roget’s The- court-ordered “sentence” to AA has ditions, to see whether we might be conscience on the subject is heard saurus, and Marche’s Thesaurus and been duly fulfilled, with proof of his watering down, even destroying, any by our general service representa- Dictionary of the English Language. (or her) attendance at meetings fur- part of these in our anxiety to coop- tives, they’ll really know what we erate. If we find that we- are, then Think (another AA spiritual princiwe are affiliating -that is, allowing ple that works better than heated an outside influence (even if it’s the emotion). And we’ll be able to help, most reasonable “suggestion”) to live, and grow from the results in the change the way we do our job. The best way possible – the AA way.

Here’s an afterthought. When a for one, would not care to affiliate person who seems to have an alco- myself with it. holic problem is “sentenced” by a But many AA members would court to attend AA meetings, does gladly bring to the court classes their this violate the spirit of self-honesty knowledge of recovery through our and free expression that so many of program. When the classes are us consider to be the first require- through, the alcoholic can decide of ment for a suffering alcoholic’s sur- his (or her) own free will whether render and recovery? If we believe he has a problem with the judgesuch forced attendance is contrary or with drinking. If he can’t see alto AA principles, we can always re- cohol as his problem, he won’t take turn to the starting point of coopera- his resentment out on us, or block tion. We can cooperate without himself off from AA later, when he hurting the court’s problem baby or may see it differently. If he does dehurting other alcoholics who already cide to do something about his want and need our meetings. If the drinking, he will come to AA beoffender is sentenced to court classes, cause of his own recognized need rather than AA meetings, he can be and desire for help – unhampered watched by the court for sobriety, by any need to escape a court penattitude, and attendance. That is the alty. court’s job, it seems to me, and I, At least, that’s how I see it. M. G. W., Denver, Colo.

July 1974

Welcome ‘invaders’ A judge opened the door From Clewiston, Ha.: From Fort Worth, Tex. : The changing attitudes of those Since attending my first AA meet- who have been “sentenced” to our ing at North Hollywood, September AA meetings is amazing. One of five 1963 (by “request” of a wonderful has not had a drink since the first AA judge in the municipal courts), meeting four months ago. He doesn’t I have been, thank God, totally ad- talk much, just says, “I don’t know dicted to AA. The judge suggested what’s happening, but I like it!” that AA “might have some answers When enough time has elapsed for you – and we are going to give for proper evaluation, I feel I must write my two bits’ worth on what happens- when a small group is “invaded” by those who have been “sentenced” to AA. At this time. I am most encouraged ,by the progress being made. w. s. you the opportunity to investigate it.” Again, thank God, he was right. I have experienced ten and a half wonderful years of total fulfillment in active involvement. From the early days, I have been a subscriber to the Grapevine and have been constantly inspired by its recorded shafings. B. D. G.

August 1974

New light on ‘forced’ attendance my sobriety, to the point of tears. I From Lakeside, Calif. : remembered that seven years ago This morning, I faced up to a this week, I was the defendant in an long-standing resentment. automobile-accident court case, be- For a long time, many meetings ing interrogated by a lawyer who bin our area have been overwhelmed kept asking me embarrassing, towith people sent by the courts. Fre- the-point questions about my drinkquently, we were outnumbered by ing. those who were hostile and resent- When I came into AA, I was told ful at having to be there. Often, I to look for the similarities and not was one of the group who were for the differences. It has taken me guilty of talking at them, instead of seven years to see that I prided mysimply sharing experience, strength, self on having come to AA willingand hope. The feeling of unity in our ly- whereas the truth is, I came meetings was beginning to crumble. out of desperation, just as most “What3 going to become of AA?” court cases come to us out of des- It was easy to excuse my intolerance peration, rather than go to jail or an by whipping out the old adage “AA honor camp. It took a lawyer to is for those who want it, not for break down the initial pride that those who need it.” It only served made me so resistant to asking for to reinforce my fear. or receiving help. It has taken the I was wrong in my attitude. I had ones who are sent here to help break been jealous about AA and posses- down this last reservation of pride sive of “my” meetings; the concern that tried so long to make me think was for myself. The old ways were I am different. M. L. changing, making way for the new -a new way of carrying the message to the alcoholic who still suffers. When I asked myself this morning what I could do to change my attitude, I was suddenly overcome by a feeling of thankfulness for

May 1975

New experience for prisoners man, sat listening to every word be- 1:roni Atlanta, Ga.: ing said, and I must admit 1 was The people from “outside” groups caught up in it myself. that come to our meetings often say, At intermission, the speaker “I lovc you. I lovc you all.” And my walked over, embraced us in each of reaction was to shut them out. Love his arms, and said, “I love you.” I was something I couldn’t conceive looked at my buddy and he at me. – that is, until three months ago. We were both fighting back tears of We had our group’s thirtieth an- joy and were both speechless. We niversary in the h u g niess hall of both felt that man’s love for us. We the prison and, for the first time in experienced love. We will never be soiiic years. were allowed male and the same again, because of that exfcr~ialcguests from the outside. It perience. We know the true meaning w;ls the largest assemblage of “free of love now and can unashamedly peopic” to ever come within the say, “I love you.” willls of this prison. You could feel That’s the fellowship of AA. the wilrmth of the fellowship in the JOE B. air. Even nonalcoholic staff members later reniarkcd, “I don’t know what it wils – it was something I’d never experienced before. But it was tlicrc. YOUcould feel it.” Our main speaker was a local niiln who had attended a few of our nicetings. He was one of those who had often said. “I love you.” The convict next to me. a bank robber with twenty-five and a hard

AA and Prison In this 14-page section, the Grapevine shares One of Those Bad Cons Nobody Can Reach the experience, hope – and success it not been for AA in prison . . .I’ll dynamics of penology. However, o f some whose alcoholism F OR ME, as for most alcoholics, it was “Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow YOU die.” But. of never know, but my educated guess is that 1 w0u.d not be alive today. one thing I am certain of: Inmates in prison who attend AA have their course, I couldh die. I painfully You see, I am a five-time loser, chances of remaining free greatly brought them to awakened each time, mentally, phys- which means five fe!ony convictions enhanced -this is a proved fact. Of a prison cell ically, and spiritually sick. Nothing (not including the cases beaten). I course, an inmate must begin living could pull me out of the abyss but served time in four penitentiaries the AA way “inside,” if he is to more &ohol. Later on, it todk alco- and several prison camps, including stand a chance “outside.” Intake of hol fortified with other drugs to pull a maximum-security camp during alcohol changes one’s persondity me up. Still later, even alcohol and the 1950’s. The two years I spent even the healthy personality. If my chemicals together could not lift me. there, I was incorrigible, and the personality is inadequate, antisocial, There are many things worse than records bear this out. Also, I was or full of kinks and I alter it with dying, but is there any death worse I insane at times – according to so- alcohol or any chemical, bingo! than the progressive, self-induced, ciety’s yardstick. But when I cracked There go my good intentions, fear of slow suicide of the practicing alco- I my leg with a sixteen-pound sledge- consequences, will to care, responsiholic? The alcoholic suffers death I hammer in the rock hole, I was bility for my behavior. What else many times over. Alcohol wrings the fighting the system, using my body. can I do except what I have always guts out of life, eats into the brain Same thing when I let lye and water done in the past? -act as my old in such a way as to make the alco- , eat away at four of my toes and my self and return to prison. It is estiholic blind to the truth. I served foot for five hours. I was an agitator, mated that two-thirds of the men in twelve years in prison, never sus- a troublemaker, and many men as prison were under the influence of pecting that without alcohol I would bitter as I was followed me. alcohol and/or drugs when they I not have been in prison at all. Had I do not want to digress into the committed their offenses.

Yet prisoners often can’t identify I would rather talk about the with many AA members’ drinking good things AA has taught me; I stories. Well, this is understand- feel that hitting on just a few sordid able. Most of us did not stay out points should be sufficient to let of prison long enough to run the those of you in institutions know alcoholic gamut – to develop the where I came from. ongoing kind of alcoholism or alco- In 1953, in a prison in my native holic drinking you hear about in AA state, I spent eleven months in solitalks. tary confinement, bouncing in and We always, or nearly always, had out of the “hole” (a bare concrete- large AA meeting in the prison audi- teen-twenty years, and I went back good intentions when we were re- and-steel cubicle) about five times torium. (Two large red A’s stand to my alma mater (where I had leased from prison. But with the first during those eleven months. Each out in my memory.) In those days, spent so much time in the hole) in drink, our good intentions dissolved; ten-day period in the dark hole, I was 1 trusted no churchgoer, and thought February 1970. I was forty-four our personalities. changed. We re- fed bread and water daily, with one AA was for weaklings. I didn’t even years old; my life had been wasted. verted to the old way of life we knew full meal on the third day only. I try to understand. I didn’t know I I sank into total despair. I hit my – a life full of anger, vindictiveness, thought that was bad until I hit the was an alcoholic and (like most men bottom. However, I still would not resentment, fear, dependence, denial, hole at a prison camp; it was just in prison today) could not relate al- attend AA in prison. I nearly reself-will, irresponsibility. And we wide enough and long enough to lie cohol to any of my past troubles. verted to my old, incorrigible self found ourselves back in prison, down in. There, I received several I was taken to my first AA meet- had trouble with a couple of other where our personalities became even soda crackers and water daily, and ing out of prison in Los Angeles in prisoners, was planning an escape. more warped. before I could have my third-day 1960. For five years, I was in and If I failed, they would throw away Sobriety and a plan for living that meal (again the only meal in ten out of AA in Los Angeles, Phoenix, the key, and I would never get out produces a personality change and a days), I had to drink a glass of cas- and San Francisco. In 1965, I threw again. spiritual awakening are imperative. tor oil or mineral oil, depending on away all my AA books and decided Then the miracle happened. While Through AA, many receive the the cruelty of the person who was never to return to AA. I was living, I was taking inventory in the coldneeded change and awakening just doing the dispensing. Ten days of but 1 was dead. storage locker one Sunday in July by trying to live by AA principles this treatment the first time knocked In 1968, I left California and 1970, a wooden sign bolted to the and associating with AA people. We me from 200 pounds to 130, and I came back to my native state. I had inside door stopped me dead in my 1

do this by going to many AA meet- seldom stayed out of the hole long been in several hospitals for alco- tracks. It was the Serenity Prayer! ings with an open mind and a desire enough to gain back my weight. 1 holism. Then I committed my last The words jumped out at me. I sudto live the gaod-feeling life without chemicals -liquid or otherwise. I wore stripes and chains. Shackles were permanently affixed to my an- 1 offense. Three weeks after an armed robbery in which one person received a superficial flesh wound ( I denly remembered one of my first AA meetings, where I heard, “If you are alcoholic and if you continue to Through AA, we can experience kles. There is really nothing tn dressfreedom from self. After all, it was ing with chains and shackles on. could have killed someone!), I was drink, the end is death or insanity.” self (you, me) that stood in our own once you learn the technique of pull- apprehended. I woke up in jail, sick, They hadn’t mentioned the living way, that ran the show and ran our- ing inside-out pants through the withdrawing from alcohol and speed, hell before death. selves into bankruptcy, that hurt the shackles. already a four-time loser, and now Yes, I knew what the Serenity I Prayer was-AA had taught me. ones we loved. All Twelve Steps of I was one of those bad cons no- with a fifth felony charge against me. AA are designed to kill the old self body can reach. The first time I This was the end of my world, No- It was to be my lifesaver – the final (defiate the old ego) and build a remember seeing or hearing of AA vember 13, 1969. catalyst. ( I am looking at it now new, free self. was in 1956. They were having a Fortunately, I received only fif- in my bedroom -a copy that was

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presented to me a couple of years Then I, too, went to work as a coun- see him this month. At the wedding, ther about this latest turn of events, ago by the AA group in that same selor in Corrections. One would 1 hope I will also get to see my anticipating seeing the family I d e prison.) During the 24 hours after have to understand the correctional daughter and their mother. My serted so long ago. Besides, I can running into the Serenity Prayer, I machinery to see what a miracle this daughter was one and a half years only live today. I mud be ready and think I took the first three Steps for really was. old when I last saw her. I attempted willing should I never see them. This the first time. I surrendered totally. After a few months thcre, I went nearly two years ago to make some is difficult, but it is the only way it I began to sleep, to relax, to accept to County Mental Health as an alco- amends and contact my children, has worked for me. my plight. I started going to AA in holism worker. Now, I have been an but it wasn’t God’s time yet. I am still arrogant, egocentric, prison on July 27, 1970. alcoholism counselor for over a year Nothing that has happened to me self-righteous, with no humility, even When I had served only eighteen and am off parole. I go back to my do I deserve. I’m talking about the phony at times, but I’m trying to be . months of my sentence, this ex- old a h a nlater occasionally to give good things that have happened. I a better person and help my fellowincorrigible was placed in honor AA talks, and -just think! – the owe everything to AA and God. I man. Guess I’ll never be a saint, but grade. (God works through people.) warden is my friend. I count my so- take credit for nothing. I will be fifty whatever I am, I want to be sober Shortly thereafter, I was transferred briety date from July 27, 1970, not years old next month, haven’t seen and in AA. The word “alcoholic” to the honor-grade unit, where I November 13, 1969, the date of my my son or daughter yet, nor my does not turn me off any more; in spent the most painful year of my last drink. Being dry is not being daughter’s two children, my grand- fact, it is music to my ears when it life. It is painful to grow, and with- sober. children; but I am grateful. It is all applies to me. out the help of my “civilian” AA Three weeks ago, my phone rang, like a dream. Life is such a mystery, God bless all you people in AA companion, big Gene, 1, might not and a voice I hadn’t heard in over but the mystery is becoming beauti- and especially you fellows in prison. have survived that critical year of twenty-three years spoke. It was my ful. Remember, now you have a choice. adjustment. This AA friend took me ex-wife, and she said my twenty- Forgive me -I cannot write fur- Anonymous into his home when he had me out seven-year-old son, who has comon pass. He and his wife more than pleted his Marine Corps training and accepted me; he listened to all my graduated from college, wanted to woes; both of them treated me as a see me privately, was getting marhuman being. ried in three months, and wanted me Shortly thereafter, I was selected, at the wedding. I haven’t seen my with eight other inmates out of the son since he was three and a half The Sponsor’s Story 10,000 in the state’s prisons at that years old. He doesn’t know me, nor time, to attend a school designed do I know him, I thank God I am to to take former “management problems” like me an4 convert them into AA was there I AM A N alcoholic who finally gave up, came to believe, made a decision. cleaned house. made amends, paracounselors. After nine months and daily seek an improved contact of training, all the rest of my class when the prison with God as I understand Him, was paroled and went to work in the gates swung while trying to carry this message Department of Corrections. I was and practice these principles in all not eligible for parole, until -with open my affairs. A few years ago, I be- – God’s help, I’m sure the governor came an “outside” sponsor to a cut five years off my sentence. I was member of a prison AA group. paroled on October 27, 1972, when I met this fellow at a prison AA I had served less than three years. meeting. He had been a mean, bitter,

incorrigible five-time loser in state through his visits to nearby groups worse off than he. My wonderful fidant. We love him, and he loves us. and Federal prisons. From his late while on honor-grade passes. wife became his friend, too. He con- He enjoys ringing our doorbell, +nd teens to his mid-forties, his life had During this man’s last year “in the tinued to change. we listen for it. His family ruptqres been violence, capture, sentence, es- joint,” I arranged honor passes two Another miracle happened in late are being healed slowly, but as tast cape, solitary, seven prison units. or three times each week for my new 1972: His sentence was cut, making as he can handle them; it’s out of his Alcohol and other drugs were al- AA friend. We attended meetings of him eligible for parole. What a day hands. He no longer fears waking up ways involved. several groups in the area, enjoyed in our lives! – especially his. Parole from a dream – it’s real, and we Today, this man has been free for them all, and would usually have a came shortly after, along with ninety share his joy and gratitude. two and a half years and is off pa- sundae or a hamburger on the way dollars’ rehabilitation money and a You may be wondering how or role, sober, productive, and enjoying back to that damn gate. On Satur- black suit. He was scared stiff, and why I became interested in pri$on peace of mind. He works as an al- days, we fished, bowled, went to the so were his friends. But remember, AA. A plumbing contractor Vbith coholism counselor in our county movies, cut the lawn, raised to- hc had made the decision in Step nine years’ sobriety carried this mesmental-health center. The confi- matoes, and talked. He was able Three. Although the first couple of sage and its blessings to me. dence and trust extended to him to expel his anger and frustrations wceks were rough, he soon had a of the nine were “outside,” becaq,,, have been earned, and he works through his talking- a twenty-year three-room apartment and his first you see, he had found AA and liked as a peer with a staff of medical torrent of bitterness all spilled out. sack of groceries. it on the “inside” for the first two ‘ professionals. His personality has During this period, I became Ever since, he has led an active years. changed a full 180 degrees. aware that one of his Higher Pow- AA life. He has a nice, comfortable This Power we deal with bill The study and application of the er’s miracles was happening. He be- apartment, a good car, a good job, open those prison gates. Lend a AA program of recovery have been gan to accept things he could not and the respect, love, and under- guiding hand, and watch the miracle his answer, and they can do the change; his mind became free; hope standing of several hundred AA unfold. My experience has been resame for any prison inmate who is returned; bitterness began to dimin- families and his prcressional asso- warding far beyond any wordg I hooked on alcohol and will truly ish; selfishness moved over; he sud- I ciates. have been able to write. surrender. The “proof of the pud- denly realized that others were This man is my friend and con- A nonymus ding” comes only after a former prison AA member makes it work AA and Prison on the outside. My experience with this man shows that it will work if he does the following: ( I ) truly sur- How It Works Behind the Walls renders while inside; (2) has an honest, burning desire to accept the outside world ar it is; (3) gets totally involved in outside AA; (4) sticks close to “winners” who will u PON MY arrival at this camp, it was suggested I attend AA. Soon, I learned there are three meetings available each week. of life through AA outside prison. Recently, restrictions were lifted pleased with the outcome. In the first hour of the meetiqg, in order to permit women speakers there are announcements, new-meh, to attend our meetings. The women ber introductions, regular business, be his friends and buddies in the The AA group, which is spon- seemed dubious at first and were and inmate talks. After a brief cotlee vital areas of outside living, such as sored by an alcoholic from a nearby reluctant to speak before an audi- break, the meeting resumes with work, transportation, proper hous- “outside” group, meets every Thurs- ence of convicts. However, they talks from the AA guests. ing, wholesome recreation, and fi- day evening in the visiting room, were greeted with such respect and Prison authorities contend thgt, nancial budgeting; (5) stays in the where AA guests from outside are admiration that they lost their ner- even though a man thinks he isyt ‘ local area, where he has already welcome to speak. Many are ex-con- vousness and made their talks with an alcoholic, exposure to the prinmade many outside AA friends victs who have found a better way ease. I think everyone has been ciples of AA will prove benefictal

toward rehabilitation and a better Every Thursday morning, those life in society. interested in further pursuit of AA Saturday mornings, Father Bill, get together again in Father Bill’s the prison chaplain, who is an alco- office. An hour is devoted solely to holic with nearly nineteen years’ so- the study and discussion of the briety through AA, opens the doors Twelve Steps, in an effort to better to his office, and we gather there for understand the way and principles an hour of enlightening discussion of the AA program. This class has about AA. The importance of reg- proved to be of tremendous value ular attendance is stressed. The fa- for many of us in discovering the ther also plays AA tapes. We can road to happiness and sobriety relate many of these talks to our through Alcoholics Anonymous. own experiences. R. A. M.,California

AA and Prison ‘You Weren’t Arrested- You Were Rescued’ A A showed him a whole new way of life round me. I ‘M WRrTrNG this from a prison, in which 1 am serving a two-year sentence. When I first arrived here, one, I was asked if I had a drinking problem, and of course, my answer was no. So, upon leaving, I was just but as I look at it now, it was really that Higher Power. I started drinking at the age of One of the lifers in here said, “You know, Don, you weren’t ar- I guess I was like so many other in- as sick as I was when 1 entered. The fourteen and progressively drank rested – you were rescued.” And mates- I had a lot of mixed feel- only difference was, I had some pills more as 1 got older, and my prob- oh, how true that is! I’m not too ings, and I was blaming everybody to “cope” with my situation. lems grew with it. Because of drink- pleased that I’m in here; but I’m else for my being here. When I entered the AA program, ing, I lost my wife, a business, and really happy and thankful AA was After I had been here for a cou- I was on the bottom, and I mean job after job. I also lost a lot of here. ple of weeks, I discovered some really on the bottom. I had to accept friends. I guess -in fact, I know -that AA pamphlets. And after answering the Twelve Steps program – either Like every other alcoholic, I the Step for me was Step Nine. It about fifteen questions in one of that or go out of here in a pine box. couldn’t see past my nose. In fact, was also the hardest Step. But for them, I discovered I was an alco- I had had twelve suicide attempts in I couldn’t stay sober enough to see me, it was the key Step to a whole holic, among other things. I say two years. my nose, let alone past it. It was new life. I got rid of all the guilt, “other things,” because I was also I was raised in a good Christian always somebody else’s fault that and boy, what a relief! a very emotionally disturbed person, home, so 1 was no stranger to a this or that happened. The walls of I know I have a lot of problems and now I know most alcoholics are. Higher Power. My only problem at resentment, hate, self-pity, selfish- to face. One of the biggest is going Prior to coming in here, I spent a first was, I started to run away from ness, and all the other emotions at- to be getting respect back upon leavyear and a half in and out of mental that Higher Power. Oh, my excuse tached to alcoholism were higher ing here. But I know, if I live and institutions. Each time I entered for running away was my parents, than the prison walls that now sur- walk through life with the AA pro-

gram, I will surely succeed. I have alcoholic counselor, Cathy M., dis- was given up as a lost cause! And to work very hard on the Twelve cussed my drinking problem with I believed that judge, because I was Steps in here. Our problems are ba- me, and with her help and under- sick from the disease of alcoholism. sically the same inside these walls as standing, I got into an alcoholic I think- and this is my own they are outside. We’re still alco- rehabilitation hospital. I was desper- opinion -our courts, jails, and auholics, whether we’re dry or wet. ate, but not totally believing that I thorities should realize that their The biggest reward of the whole was an alcoholic. Under thirty days way doesn’t always work. Every sinprogram for me is the Twelfth Step. of constant treatment, I came to be- gle alcoholic in jail may not be The program gave me back, not lieve I was indeed an alcoholic, and helped, but it’s certain that some, only my sanity, but also the God I I fully surrendered my life to AA. if reached the right way, will un- Ten years ago, a judge sentenced doubtedly be helped and start being had been running from all my life. me to a state prison, and he said, honest people, through the program. I did have a spiritual awakening, of AA. If it wasn’t for people who and what a blessing! I learned the “Dan, you are to be taken out of society for a period of two to three helped me, I wouldn’t be working truth about myself, plus the truth of on a daily basis and becoming a what life is about. years, because you are beyond rehabilitation.” So even back then, I responsible person in society. D. R., Westminster, B.C. D. T., West Chester, Pa. I

AA and Prison, A A and Prison Inventory in a Lonely Cell Master Builders of Sobriety

I ‘M DANNY T., and I am a recovering alcoholic. It has taken me a lot of pain and agony to accept the help me.” I was desperate, and I believe it was the only way for me. I believe you have to be desperate It takes many I WATCHED a team of workers tearing down a building. A structure that took several years to build was fact that I am an alcoholic. I believe enough to want to change. And I willing workers destroyed by a few men, in a frac- I came into contact with my Higher believe no man or woman in prison tion of the time it took to build. The Power, which I believe was God. can say it’s okay to live that kind of t o lay the foundation roof came off; glass was broken; It all happened behind closed life. doors were ripped off the hinges; the and erect the structure walls caved in. Dirt and dust flew in doors, meanirlg cell doors of a pris- I personally thank God that while on. I had sort of taken my own in- I was confined in a county prison, of a better way all directions. The noise was such ventory, not realizing at the time the authorities had enough insight to that you had to hold your hands start a Disease Section – and that’s o f life over your ears to withstand it. what it really meant. I said to myself, “Dan, is this the kind of life you exactly what they call it. The war- I asked the foreman if these were want? You have been in and out of den has some heck of an outlook the same men he used to build a jails since the age of sixteen, and upon the disease of alcoholism, and building. “No indeed” was his reply. here you are, thirty-four years old I feel he should be given credit by “When I build, it’s one thing; tearand still behind those cell doors.” us alcoholics for wanting to help our ing down is another. In tearing I actually got down on my knees people. down, I use common labor. These While I was in prison, a full-time men are not builders. When I build, and said, “If there is a God, please

prison can you find these elements? ditions give us help and guidance, I I need skilled men, men who have to have sober thinking, because I both when we are with a group and the know-how, who know what a know sober thinking brings about In a few, but only a very few. You will find bitterness, resentment, jeal- when a fellow AA is not available. rule and a square stand for. The lasting sobriety. We learn to set aside the chief steps taken in building are proven No man can build alone. In the ousy, and downright hate. Above all, you’ll find loneliness, daily ten- factor in our drinking problem steps -no trial and error, no short- construction of a building, skilled false pride. And it is replaced with sion, and talk full of violence. cuts. These men have served their roofers, carpenters, plumbers, brick- faith. Many of us balked at that, belayers, etc. are needed to work as a But in any AA group, outside or apprenticeships. They are masters of inside, you do find fellowship, love, cause of the way we understood their trades.” team. We in Alcoholics Anonymous, God. Yet in all the Steps and Train order to build a strong and lasting faith, and understanding concern. We of Alcoholics Anonymous are There is no limit to the facts and ditions, there is only an offer, never masters of our trade. My rule and fellowship, need men and women a command. from all walks of life, each with a emotions we can bring out openly square are the Twelve Steps and the before each other. Only with com- Sound acceptance of our problem Twelve Traditions. When I attend common goal – a better way of life, will certainly plant the roots of a AA meetings, I consider myself a without alcohol. plete honesty can a real desire to stop drinking take root. desire to stop drinking. The sincerity builder. Some little thing I say, some Here in prison, we are ceaselessly of any group in AA can best be small thing I do, may suggest a good building, with our outside sponsor In the prison environment, we must accept the struggle needed to measured by its growth as a group. idea for a foundation for someone to helping us. We are working to erect reach our objective. Here, it is Here, our outside sponsor, our inbuild upon. Or something I hear a good, solid foundation of the AA harder to maintain, as well as to ob- side sponsor, and our inmate leaders may add more concrete knowledge way of life, on which we can con- are helping many to achieve the detain, the desire to stop drinking. to my own foundation. My building tinue to build better and more mean- AA’s Twelve Steps and Twelve Tra- sire to stop drinking. is being constructed upon a founda- ingful lives, through sobriety. W.H., Virginia tion made up of the effort I put forth J . D., Virginia

AA and Prison

Where we Can Learn Honesty .. A LCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS groups in prisons are among the most active of institutional groups, mainly that, hard as it is to believe, drinking is the cause of imprisonment in most cases, or at least an associated cause. because anyone is welcome. When a To the eye of the general public, new person comes to an AA meet- it might appear that in prison drinking, inside or outside, he or she may ing is not much of a problem. I feel not be really sincere at first. But at the desire to drink is much greater AA meetings, we receive encourage- in prison. Why? Because many ment to want to stop drinking. elements of emotional support are I have spent three-fourths of my clearly not available: trust, love, aflife in prison. And I have found fection, faith, and concern. In what

October 1975

Are we all ex-cons? From Lansdowne, Pa.: The July articles about AA in prison made me stop to think that we can’t see the possibility of helping an inmate unless we go to a prison meeting directly. I have gone several times with my sponsor and will continue to go, because I’m not only spreading the message, but learning myself. A lot of us forget that if these people weren’t there to show what could happen to us, we might take our sobriety for granted. I know prison meetings have helped me. Although I never spent any time there myself, I was in prison in my mind, and I think we all were if we would honestly admit it. Think about them for a change. S. A. D.

July 1976 –

AA and Prison Five men and one woman tell how the A A program works – inside and out

prisons and jails (for which we are tained within the Twelve Steps, the forever indebted to Lou C., then of friendship, unity, love, sharing, un- San Quentin Prison), many hun- derstanding, and way of life, an al- In England’s famed Dartmoor Prison dreds of criminal alcoholics -and coholic is doomed to failure on the an inmate makes a surprising discovery some alcoholic criminals – have resources of willpower alone. My name is Mike. I am an alcobeen saved from permanent insanity or death. I say “have been saved.” holic. AA and I found each other in ITTINGALONE in the gray con- prison – a strange place to discover S fines of a prison cell, as the long days, weeks, months, and years oners and prison authorities, is that if a man or woman leaves prison on completion of a sentence having The choice is that of each individual alcoholic, of course -for sobriety! But without the Fellowship of Alcotrue freedom -and for that, I thank God, as I understand Him, a day at drag by, has its effect. One’s being much the same personality defects, holics Anonymous, its program of a time. is reduced symbolically to that of a and consequently the same attitude recovery, the spiritual rebirth con- M . B., Dartmoor, England number in a list. One strives men- and train of thought, that he or she tally always to retain personal iden- had from the beginning, there is tity and sanity, in a world devoid of little hope of leading a happy, nor- AA and Prison love or compassion. mal life and so staying out of cor- There is ample time for soulsearching, self-examining, making rectional facilities. This is especially evident in the First, I Had t o Get Hon’est future plans for either good or evil. case of the alcoholic, who usually is Then the answers began to come through A person who decides to waste such completely ignorant of the fact that time quickly becomes the victim of he is suffering from a progressive HAD BEEN in prison a little over liking what I and others saw about boredom, which can easily reduce him to a state of despair, or a mindand incurable illness. The most treasured goal, in most cases, is the I six years before I started to take myself. But I started to realize that inventory on my past life. I only got 1 had not only emotional problems, less cabbage. One must follow some wonderful booze-up he will have into this inventory because the au- but a disease there was no cure for. constructive activity – study, model upon release, a thought that takes thorities had enough insight to see I realized I was an alcoholic. making, toy making – in order to precedence over all else in an alco- 1 had a lot of emotional problems. It was hard to put a label like occupy one’s mind fully. holic mind, long deprived of the 1 was sent to a diagnostic and this upon myself, but before I could The most important factor, which deadly poison it craves. treatment program. Here, 1 got my begin in the AA program, I knew I seems to be overlooked by both pris- Since the introduction of AA into head together. I found myself not had to be honest. So I learned to be

— – – –

I

honest with myself, and in doing so buy it from another inmate. But to- I walk, to go dirty day after day. I and go to meetings regularly, this is I became honest with others. I start- day, nobody could pay me to drink. know what it’s like to have DTs. 1 all I need. I have a very strong deed attending meetings in prison. We My answer when it’s offered is know what it’s like not to be able to sire not to drink any more. had them once a week. Of course, “Thanks, but no thanks.” AA has cat because all 1 want is a drink. I When I get out of prison, I will I found it hard to come right out given me a gift that is priceless. 1 know what it’s like to be beaten up leave with forty dollars and a suit of and say I was an alcoholic. But after am a happy alcoholic, because 1 by cops and by teenagers trying to clothes. The only family I have is about three meetings, I knew no- joined a winning team. I know we roll me for the money I’ve pan- AA. But with the help of God, who body in that room was worse or bet- can all rely on one another, to keep handled for booze. I know what it’s is my Higher Power, and of my AA ter than I was. ourselves sober. like to be a castoff, a worthless alco- family, I hope I won’t drink again. In the beginning, I thought people I’m thirty-nine years old. This is holic. I lost good jobs; I was thrown I’m tired of prison life, and I’ve got were putting themselves down. But my second bid. I didn’t learn in the out of my room because I had no almost nine years in on this senafter a while I realized this was not first three-year stretch. I came out rcnt money. tence. I live it one day at a time. what they were doing. They were of prison with one thought: How AA is not only my life-style for Let’s be helpful to each other. I’m working the first of the Twelve Steps. much longer can I drink up? my drinking problem. I apply it in no better or worse than you because I had already admitted this First I drank enough that it cost me every aspect of my life. I’ll never be I’m in prison. Remember, I have the Step to myself and others. seven months of my alcoholic life on cured, because this disease can’t be same disease as you, and I have the Step Two was pretty hard to swal- the Bowery. I know what it’s like to cured. But as long as I live the same need of friends as you. low. Nothing could make me believe sleep in doorways and on the side- Twclve Steps of the AA program A. B., Beacon, N.Y. I needed to be restored to sanity. After all, I knew right from wrong. But did I really? In my inventory, I AA and Prison finally saw that alcohol was slowly making me insane. Had I been ar- It Was Only a Four-Day Slip rested, or had I been rescued? Now I had to go into the Third But it etlded it2 tragedy and a returtt to prison Step. I never believed in God. I didn’t see Him, nor could I touch or hear Him. Therefore, there was no such being. But now that I understand Him, I’ve turned my will and w HEN I FIRST came into the AA program, one of the sayings I frequently heard was “one day at a time.” Until recently, I didn’t really from the responsibilities that were put upon me. But most of all, I was running away from myself. I didn’t want to deal with people or their on, I noticed that I was slipping in school and starting to lose friends. Somehow, I didn’t seem to care. The only thing I really cared about was life over to Him. understand what that meant. I was problems. But most of all, I didn’t making sure I had something to As for the rest of the Steps, I’m a person who couldn’t live one day I I want to deal with n~yself. I was drink. working on them. Step Twelve I’ve at a time. I was always trying to live scared to see what I really was, At that point, I had an increasing accomplished, but this was not of in the future and the past. 1 was al- rather than what I was pretending dependence on alcohol. But it didn’t my own doing. I sat and listened to ways trying to avoid my responsibili- to be. I was scared to let the real bother me. 1 just wanted to keep on other AA members’ stories, and I ties. Now that I have the time and me float to the surface. So I kept going the way I was. Then I started . began to realize what they meant by the patience, I am able to look back drowning it with booze. getting into trouble -small things a spiritual awakening. and see what I was doing to my- I had my first drink when I was at first and short sentences in a I’ve been in AA almost two years self and to others. in junior high school, just to make house of correction later. now. I’ve had a few slips. Booze is I was running away, from the myself look like an adult in other During one of these times, it was available; we can make our own or people who cared about me and people’s eyes. Then, as time went suggested that I go to a few AA

meetings. I laughed, because I so great. I started to change inside honestly say I had a sincere desire thought an alcoholic was someone myself. I started to have doubts to stay sober. But I thought, “What who was very old and had nothing about the program and to wonder if have I got to lose?’So I joined the better to do than drink. A few weeks I was truly living up to it. I got a group. The good AAs from the free went by, and I decided to go to at little too smart for myself. I thought world aroused my curiosity. They least one meeting. 1 had learned all there was to learn seemed to have something going for I went, and liked it. But I didn’t about the AA program. them, and I wanted to know what it like what some of the speakers had And then it happened. I had a was. to say, because it really hit home slip. It only lasted four days, but I I learned that I had a disease, for with me. After the meeting, I pulled will never forget those four days as which there was help. I think the a speaker aside and asked him how long as I live -because in that short most important thing was that I lost I, too, could attain the sobriety and period of time, I took a man’s life. some of my resentment (not all of happiness that he had. He told me All during the time that I waited it) at being locked up. How did this that if I continued to come to the for trial, and even after receiving a come about? Through attending the meetings and followed the sugges- life sentence, I learned a lot of val- meetings at the institution, of course. tions the Twelve Steps offered, I uable lessons. But the most impor- I also learned to do “easy time” by would soon be in the same position tant one is that I am powerless over trying to apply the Twelve Steps. he was. So from that moment on, 1 alcohol and that my life has become The Serenity Prayer helped me the followed all the suggestions. I even unmanageable. If I should ever for- most. I could not change the fact got into a program that allowed me get that lesson, I would be doomed. Now free and sober, that I was there and had to serve my to go outside the institution once a G . W . , Bridgewater, Mass. she brings .4A sentence, but I could use the time to week, to a meeting in a nearby town. try to make myself a better person, I went to my first outside meeting, to institutions ready to go back into the free world . and I was never so scared in my A A and Prison again. It has not been an easy, fast whole life. I remember that I sat all process. But I am making progress. the way in the last row. But it I am active in “outside” AA now. seemed that everyone sensed I was Thecurious Woman Prisoner I work with the institutions and paa newcomer, and one by one they rolees, and I am often v& discourall came over to talk to me or shake s A GRADUATE of a penal institu- ventory and found my God again, aged when I ask outside AAs to my hand or just say hello. One person suggested that I should A tion, I want to express how I feel on a very important part of our this time a kind and loving God, participate in going to the instituwho lightened the burden for me tions to carry the message. I get a I pick a sponsor, so I picked the first program – AA in institutions. By while I was confined. Upon my sen- lot of “Oh, institutions upset me.” two people I talked to, a married the grace of God and institutional tencing and incarceration, I had lost When I hear this particular answer, couple. As time went by, I grew AA, I have had quite a few years all hope of ever being anything in I cannot help but wonder how upset very close to these people. They had of continuous sobriety. For me, a life. 1 had been in and out of jail, these very same people would have accepted me for what I was. They person who wound up at the bottom made promises to do better, and been if they had been sentenced and weren’t concerned with my past, but of the heap after twenty-seven years broken them. I was at the end of my confiped, as I was. They so soon with my future. They helped me get of drinking and ten years of addic- rope. My drinking had long since forget “There, but for the grace of into a halfway house when I was tion to pills, this is truly a miracle. gone out of control, and I knew no God, go I.” released on parole. It was in an institution that I other way to live. When I was told I am grateful today for having But things didn’t continue to be learned to take my first feeble in- of AA at the reformatory, I cannot been there. The last time, I was con-

-fined two years- not very long, — — – Remember, even if you helped actually, but long enough for me. I only one person or none at all, you one on thc way back, and of course was there. One of the inmates dyed must not ever forget that it was there would still be helping yourself. But the meeting there. So it is very re- a pair of long johns red and made a I found AA, because somebody there is always someone who will warding. hat out of a sock. His beard was cared enough to take a little time derive benefit from your own per- When we first walk into the meet- made of cotton from the hospital. If and carry the message to me. Let’s sonal message. I felt that I was ing hall. wc iIrc greeted as if they I ever felt the presence of a Higher all get on our horses and ride where hopeless and that there was no one had not secn us in a long time. I Power, I sure felt it that night. Yes, . these folks are locked up, and carr) quite as bad as I was – until I went think the fact that we keep coming AA works, even in a place like the message behind the walls. I have to the reformatory and heard both back ;ilmost shocks them. I have Jackson Prison. seen girls and women who are doing inside and outside AAs lead the ncvcr seen smiles on men like the I’ve talked to men who tell me life sentences change through this meetings and talk. From these speak- smiles they wear when we first get they don’t remember committing the program, so that they are less bitter ers, I found my help on the road there. I would walk there if 1 had crimes they are serving time for, and find it easier to accept and do back. to, just to see them. because they were in blackouts. I the time. Connie A., Columbus, Ohio Today, I am corresponding with have to believe them. I know that I sixteen of the nien there. I wish :hat have done many things while in a others could read the letters I get. blackout. I wish I had never learned AA and Prison This past summer, 1 was laid up in from others of some of the things I the hospital. and I received a hand- did. 1 know that the men at Jackson They Got Caught-and We Didn’t riladc get-wcll card from the Jackson and many others feel the same way. group. They say there is no love in If you want a rewarding experi- FTER ATTENDING meetings at prison. If this isn’t showing love by ence, try an AA meeting in prison. A Jackson Prison for over a year, I have a lot of reason to keep going there attend meetings because it looks good toward their parole. This is a fact. But how about some of caring, I don’t understand the meaning of love. Yes, therc is love at the Go share your hope and strength with others who don’t even have hope. I’ll be going back to Jackson us when we first started going to prison, and I feel it at every meetback. The guys in these places are ing I i~ttend.I also make it a point this coming week, and just maybe no different from us on the outside. AA? I went in the very beginning to to tell all these guys that I love 1’11 see you there. But if you can’t They may wear prison garb and be get my wife off my back. Others them, at every meeting. make it there or to any prison, please called numbers instead of names, but went to save their jobs or to stay out say a prayer for these guys. They This past Christmas, I was invited they are still alcoholics. The only of jail. At the prison meeting, I to the Christmas party. We sang a need all the help they can get. difference between them and us is might help one guy, but if I don’t, lot of Christmas carols. Even Santa Bob M., Bay City, Mich. that they got caught for their crimes, I know 1 unl helping me. So I don’t and we didn’t. How many of us can stand to lose anything except time, honestly say we didn’t commit some and I have plenty of that. A A arld Prison sort of crime that should have put When I first started going to Jackus in prison? I know I should have son, it wasn’t easy to find others to He Hated Drunkalogs – so He Drank been there. I most likely would be go with me. Today, thank God, a lot there today if I hadn’t found AA. Why do I keep going back to Jackson? The answer is simple: I am attending a meeting – mostly to of my fellow members feel as I do. They want to keep going back. We are 130 miles from the prison. Sometimes, we have so many people gow ITH T W O Y E A R S and four months of good behavior behind prison walls, 1 was granted a work furlough and went to work for help myself, but just maybe I’ll help ing that we take two cars. We have a fellow alcoholic. Some of the guys a meeting on the way to the prison, a Bureau of Alcohol and Drug Abuse. One day at lunch, I started

to read back copies of the Grapevine so I drank. Maybe I really felt some that were in the library. In the July of those drunkalogs were trivial cow- 1964 issue, a story hit home: “I pared to my history. So I drank, Hated Drunkalogs.” thinking I could show them what it I began to look back at my first was all about. But by the grace of year in prison. I went to AA think- God, a friend who has been in AA ing I’d get out sooner if I did. Not ten years came to my rescue. She a very good reason, but that’s how it let me blow off steam, and then we was. During my second year, some- got down to the business at hand: thing happened that, if I’d been on my drinking. the outside, would have started me I found out a lot about the charon a good binge. Keeping that in acter defects that caused my drinkmind, and with a different attitude, ing, and I turned them and myself I decided to try to get what I could over to my Higher Power as I underout of the meetings. Then and only stood I-Iim. then did I truly accept the fact that Now, with a more spiritual out- I was an alcoholic. look on life and this friend who’s Upon my release, I continued AA. always there to lend a helping hand, All was not well, though. After I feel that I can accept AA mcetings meetings, I had a deep resentment for what they are, not as an excuse about those damned drunkalogs. to get drunk. They only made me want a drink – N. T . L.,Ccrrson City, Nev.

January 1977

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How c o u k can help listen to the speakers. From Hartford, Conn.: Some alcoholics have found I am a recovering alcoholic who sobriety through the honor court tries to attend the honor court every system. Cal, our secretary, is a Monday night faithfully. I go to this product of the honor court, and he’s meeting because 1 choose to. a power of example. It’s too bad However, there are others who have more AA members don’t attend this no choice – the judge ordered them meeting. A. K. to go for six weeks o r serve a jail sentence. The honor court is an in- From California: troduction to AA. We have AA peo- A bunch of us want t o show ple running it, and many recovering thanks to some judges that sent us alcoholics attend t o give the to AA and saved our lives. And then secretary moral support. we learned a new way t o live. We Our program usually consists of want t o send each of these judges a two speakers from local AA groups. subscription t o the. Grapevine. We also invite a Salvation Army Please include a letter or card and representative who can help with a sign it: “Thanks from some place t o sleep and clothes if alcoholics you sent to AA. We owe necessary, and a family relations of- our lives to you and AA.” ficer who gives his time. A judge My check will take care of the usually attends and says a few words four subscriptions. w.w. of encouragement, telling those who come that they don’t have to go to a hospital or a drying-out farm to get sober, that sobriety is here, and that if they want sobriety, they should

July 1977

AA and Prison I HAVE BEEN around AA for about Four nine years now. I don’t remember AAs share the circumstances surrounding my first meeting, but 1 do know that 1 their experience had a problem with booze. At age fifteen, booze meant so both in and our much to me that when my high school of prison sweetheart threw my bottle out the car window, 1 hopped out to get it. I didn’t stop to think that we were on an expressway and traveling about Suddenly the Program Came Alive fifty miles an hour. I paid for this the police, bleeding from cuts I had out no wiser than when 1 went in. particular bottle with a broken leg, a do my way. I hit quite a few hospitals suffered from walking through the Somehow, I found out about AA and did quite a few short stints in concussion, and a six-month conva- restaurant’s glass window or door. and figured I would give it a shot. jail during this time in and out of lescence. I didn’t think at the time The police call this breaking and The people 1 met at the meeting were the program. I went to school and that my bottle really had anything to entmng. Another habit 1 had, if I really nice. I liked what they had to acquired a good position in the rhedd o with what was happening in my needed a drink and the bars were say and the way they said it. How- ical field. But I didn’t like to stay at life. Now, I can see that my problems, closed, was to smash the window of ever, I was not ready to throw in the any one job for too long, because I as well as my drinking, were getting a liquor store and help myself to a towel. I felt 1 had a few more good didn’t want people to figure out my progressively worse. bottle or two. The police called this times left. For the next few years, I drinking patterns. I was only thirteen when I started burglary. bounced in and out of AA like a I would get involved in.my comdrinking. At fifteen, it was already After about six arrests, the courts rubber ball. When I was hurting, I munity, as well as my job, during taking a heavy toll on me physically. felt it was time that I did time. I was would go to AA and get dry and use these spurts of dryness. I had a very At sixteen, I started getting in trouble sentenced to three years in an upstate to my advantage the parts of the good position with a political party with the local police. I was known as New York prison. When 1 arrived at program 1 liked. When things started and was a delegate for a national a nice kid. But when I drank, I was this state institution, I saw a lot of looking brighter, I would leave my union. But when it was time, I would known as a kid with a problem, to the same people that I had hung friends in the program, forget all I go out and blow it all by drinking. I say the least. around with in my neighborhood. It might have learned, and go out again did not feel worthy of any of the I seldom sat at home and was out didn’t register with me that I had a and get hurt some more. Then I prestige or credit that went along in gin mills daily and in strange places very narrow circle of friends. would come crawling back asking with the positions I held. I didn’t at weird hours. For example, if I While in prison, I did my thing for help. know myself that well, and what I had an urge for some egg drop soup and drank daily. I had a good job, There were always people at AA did see in myself I didn’t like, so I at 2:00 AM, 1 would find myself in which afforded me the opportunity willing to help. I did not want to went back to my bottle. the neighborhood Chinese restau- to make as much jailhouse booze as help myself, though. Not 100 per- Now the blackouts were more frerant’s kitchen, cooking. More often I would need to do my time. I did cent, anyway. I would take part of quent. I woke up on Miami Beach than not, I would also be found by two years of my sentence and came the program, and the rest I would with a hangover and sunstroke, and iI

1 didn’t even remember leaving New had such a different meaning to me. what 1 saw in myself. For the first Him today, and I can call and not York. All of a sudden, the whole program time in my life, 1 was grateful to be only ask Him to help me, but say I came to the conclusion that I made sense. I t was like someone else alive, with the power to think and thanks, too. was nuts, and that’s why AA wasn’t was talking inside of me. What came plan, with the knowledge of what I like being sober. I like being a working for me. The people in the out even surprised me. The guys life is all about, with the capacity to part of AA. I am grateful that I was program were nice, and 1 wanted to apparently liked what I had to say, love and be loved. The sharing dis- given another shot at what AA has be one of them, but I found that I too, because at the next meeting, I played by everybody present at that to offer. 1 know what being grateful was not capable of being honest. I was elected group chairman. Because meeting is something that I never means. I will always feel a part of went on like this for eight years, with I got involved, a few of my friends want t o forget. When things are that AA group upstate in prison. It a dozen more arrests, last rites half a in the joint gave it a shot, too. More bleak, I can always reach into my took the unselfish sharing of a bunch dozen times, the loss of a few cars and more inmates were getting in- memory bank to that day and gather of cons to teach me, and for that I and jobs, and a three-week marriage. volved. We started a treasury. We strength from what was present am grateful, too. I hope some day to Eight years went by after I left prison, elected a program chairman, a GSR throughout the affair. return there and share with some and I woke up standing before a (general service representative), and I left the prison last month and others who might be less fortunate. judge who sent me right back to an a secretary. The more people who now am in a work release program I know that in order to stay sober, I upstate prison. 1 saw my whole life took an active part in the program, near home. I go to work five days a have to share it. I can’t think of a flash by while 1 was standing before the more we grew. Some AA friends week. I go to AA at night. Each better way than to give it back to the that judge. I was sent’ to Sing Sing from Canada started coming to help weekend, I go home and stay with people in our prisons, for they played and would lie in my cell at night us in our meetings. my loved ones. I can appreciate the a very important part in my life. trying to figure out where I went The group grew from ten people people that 1 love today. 1 get up in Thanks, AA; thanks, God; thanks, wrong. After a couple of weeks there, once a week to seventy people twice the morning and thank my Higher all the AAs in all our prisons. 1 was sent t o a place nicknamed a week. We got into Step meetings Power. 1 have a toll-free number to R. M., East Meadow, N.Y. “Little Siberia,” the prison farthest and the Traditions. There were a lot from New York and my home. of outside AA people who helped AA and Prison This was the place where I learned with literature and moral support. about sobriety. I had a lot of time to Our members, maybe for the first time in their lives, knew what it felt Going to Prison by Choice get t o know myself. I really thought that I wasn’t a bad guy-in fact, when 1 didn’t drink, was a pretty nice guy. like to be a real part of something. Something good and beautiful, at that. T HE PURPOSE of prison is twofold: t o punish and to rehabilitate. For sixteen years, I have been I went to the AA meeting there Last February, we had our first going to prison as a member of a and was disheartened. I saw about group anniversary, with some 200 team of AAs who sponsor a group ten guys telling jokes and having a people present. The guys in the group in one of Scotland’s prisons, and I good time. 1 talked to the group really put a lot of work into our have found the second part of this chairman and asked him what was anniversary. 1 also celebrated my purpose to be especially true for me, happening. He told me that the guys first anniversary on that day. I felt as well as for the inmate. just didn’t feel a part of AA. They were in a joint and couldn’t drink anyway. I asked him if I could share something that day that I had never felt before. It was something that I can’t explain; 1 can only say it was \ For me, going to prison has never been a task or a duty; it is a privilege. I can help others find out about their with the guys. electric. I was sober for one year drinking problems, and also about That night, when I spoke, AA then. I could honestly say that I liked the solution. So the first thing going

meet, somewhere away from the to prison has taught me is the benefit number of recidivist inmates, who prison, a man I knew in jail who has I can derive from fully accepting a get out and return fairly frequently. been sober ever since he came out. responsibility. When they came back, I had to learn What a surprise and great joy it is to Because some inmates are like me, to welcome them as sincerely as I see that another fellow has found 1 had to be honest with myself. If 1 could. How could 1 talk about for- the same answer to his problem that was a phony, they would find out. giveness when I could not vractice it I A:A 1 UIU. An alcoholic can spot quite easily with myself? Through visiting the 1 have some friends in jail who are whether you speak his language. T o prison week after week and practic- better fellows than some I know be effective, I had t o try to trust ing Step Eleven, 1 was able to learn outside: men of understanding and them in all things, even though this this lesson and to gain a little more compassion, men who will accept trust was often misplaced. By doing serenity for myself. me for myself alone, men who will so, 1 learned to be more trusting 1 am often asked how many of the respect me as long as 1 deserve that with my fellow AAs, who sometimes men have joined AA, and am often respect. But 1 must earn their respect, let me down, too. criticized because I don’t know. not just desire it. In other words, I 1 had to get rid of the idea that I That’s not my job. My job is to have to work hard at maintaining was doing inmates a good turn, when carry the message, and I’ve had to my new “illness,” which I call in fact it was the other way around. learn that 1 am a messenger, and prisonitis. . 1 had to learn as much as I could nothing else. This has taught me I could go on to enumerate more about AA in order to answer their humility. It has also meant that I of the blessings that are mine because questions. This meant I had to study must examine myself to see whether I go to prison, but the most importhe whole philosophy of AA and its I am an effective messenger, by tant is this: I maintain my sobriety. teachings, and so the Twelfth Step taking constant inventory of myself Long may I continue to do so! came t o life for me in a very impor- -not of the group, or my fellow G. G., Glasgow, Scotland tant way. T o carry this message to sponsors, or AA as a whole-just the alcoholic, including those who myself and my attitudes. were members but had forgotten the These weekly visits are looked AA and Prison essentials of the daily program, meant upon by the inmates as a break in that 1 had to practice the program the monotony of their lives. My No Longer a Phony harder each day if I wanted to con- thoughts turn-to the words of Jesus: tinue in my sobriety. “I was in prison and you visited me.” The next lesson 1 learned was that 1 go there to show friendship, or T wo WORDS kept jumping out at me every time I read Chapter Five in the Big Book: “rigorous As I kept trying to work the program and tried working that Fourth Step, I finally realized why the of tolerance and forgiveness. It is perhaps just because 1 care enough honesty.” 1 could understand what honesty portion is stressed with such difficult to learn tolerance for the to get off my backside. 1 go when was meant by the simple fact that to force. Without it, no Step and no I member who has slipped, but learn- the elements are anything but pleas- succeed in this program, an in- part of the program can be worked ing about forgiveness is even harder. ant, and 1 have learned that it is no dividual must be honest with with any degree of success. For a long time, I had tried to ,for- hardship to do this. I t is part of my himself. But why this “rigorous” T o relate the effect this has had in give myself for the harm I had done responsibility, which 1 accepted will- business thrown in? As a matter of my life, I’d like to share an exwhile drinking. Though others had ingly when I agreed to be a prison fact, honesty is referred to three perience with other inmates who are forgiven me, I had not forgiven my- sponsor. times on the first page of Chapter in AA or contemplating joining a self. It was going to prison that taught Another of the rewards of going Five. group. No matter what an inmate’s me t o do so. The prison has a large to prison has been the chance to

position or status is in prison, an un- week, so why shouldn’t I “borrow” written “code of ethics” is constant- a few of their supplies? At approx- connected with the AA program whatever it was, I now am more ly influencing everyday decisions. imately the same time, I got here and told them about what had pleased with myself and others, and Hardly a day passes in prison (or in “political” in the AA program here happened and how great it felt. No 1 work the program more “rigthe free world) when a person isn’t (I was phony as a three-dollar bill at one in prison accepts things at face orously” than ever before. confronted with a choice of being this point) and managed to hustle value, and I feel quite sure most of In closing, I might say to any honest or not. enough support and votes to win the those I told were thinking this was a newcomers to prison AA programs 1 work here as a draftsman and secretary’s spot. phase I was going through. Know- that the meat of the program is in architectural estimator. I have ac- This is the point when the monkey ing what a phony I had been, I sure the Alcoholics Anonymous Big cess to just about any kind of wrench really got thrown into the couldn’t blame them. Book. Instead of just sitting on the technical illustration and art sup- old machinery. As the big shot of I don’t know whether this was my fringes of the program, pick this plies. Needing to find some means one of the largest AA groups in the spiritual awakening, but I do know book up and read it from cover to of support, I decided to set up a Texas Department of Corrections, 1 that my life has definitely changed cover. You’ll beglad you did. greeting-card hobby for profit. decided to start reading some of the for the better. As a result of Stan, Texas What better position could 1 be in literature and books about the profor a venture of this nature? One of gram. I didn’t want to be embar- AA frnd Prison the reasons I chose this particular rassed by not being able to snap an hobby was the fact’ that I would answer right back to any questions M y Name Is Helen have almost a monopoly1on the that might be asked of me. business. 1 could purchase a few low-cost supplies to cover my art Well, most of you AAs know the rest of the story-1 got hooked on the program! I fought with my inner M Y N A M E IS HELEN, and I am an alcoholic. Like most of us, I found AA the hard way. I when I was released, on bond, a sister was there to make sure I did not harm myself. I went to New card, which is required of us who want t o work an art hobby in the self day and night. Here I was on knew that I had a serious drinking York City to live with her until my cell. The rest could be secured from Sundays in front of 200-plus in- problem a year before I had to do lawyer decided what to do. She has the state while I was on the job. mates telling them that AA was an something about it. A man was the same problem with alcohol that Why not? They could surely afford honest program, and I couldn’t get dead, and I had a second-degree I do, and at that time, neither of us it. 1 rationalized that 1 did a good honest with myself yet. I can’t put murder charge facing me. would admit it. We began t o have job for them all day, five days a my finger on just exactly when it hit At first 1 thought, “Well, it’s too vicious family fights. Soon, I was me, but when it did, I unloaded late now. Why not drink myself to willing to spend my time of waiting every piece of contraband I had in death?” 1 had tried to die several in jail, rather than there with her. my house (that’s my cell, for those times already-why not now? By Instead, I found my own apartof you who don’t know what I the grace of God, I am alive today. ment. This time alone was a godmean). We sometimes refer to get- I t must have been His will, because send. I was still drinking, but ting rid of that heavy load we carry living certainly was not my will. without extra pressures, I drank on our shoulders. Well, I can assure The only reason I wanted to be considerably less. I spent the next each one of you I became 10,000 released on bail was so I could get to few months thinking about myself pounds lighter at the moment of another bottle of sleeping pills and and wondering why I was where I truth. another bottle of Scotch-and this was. I had always been very active in Naturally, I wanted to go out and time I would have “the good sense” my community and had been highly tell the world all about it. 1 went to not to call anyone for help. respected until I met a man, a heavy three or four of my close associates My lawyer sensed my sorry state drinker, and started really hitting of mind and notified my sisters, and the booze. I blamed everything on

that unhappy’affair. something-not really sure just I went back to Florida in July to what. I was skeptical, but the words begin working on my case with my sounded good. And I did begin to lawyer. The man I had been involved feel a little better, and I began to with was dead, and I was in very smile occasionally. I even began to serious trouble. My lawyer sent me feel kindlier toward all these Ziwful animals in here. Then I discovered . to a psychiatrist. The first time I saw my shrink, he told me that I was an these “animals” had names-and alcoholic. 1 went home and drank to feelings-and fears-just like me! I that. Another time, he told me that began to comfort some of them and no man could have done all those worry over them and counsel them, things to me-I had let him do would I do at a party? All my life. I began to discover how and 1 forgot about myself for a them! Everywhere 1 turned, I was friends drank. Well, almost. I had dishonest I had been with myself while. Comforting them comforted losing my excuses. 1 had to face the several friends who were nondrink- and everyone else. I began to me. fact that I alone was responsible. ing alcoholics (AAs, of course). I discover that people really did like One day, I needed to write a letter That was hard. Every session was was living at the beach at this time, me and that they weren’t all after and mentioned that I was almost out capped with another drink. and everyone at the beach was in a something. Now, I had nothing at of paper. Suddenly, I had enough Why should I quit drinking? I party mood. I started drinking tonic all to give but myself. paper to write a book. Three or four would darn sure have to quit drink- and lime without the booze. No one I was tried and convicted of inmates came to me and gave me ing when I was in prison, so why minded at all! I still had a nice time. manslaughter. I am in prison now, sheets of paper from their own s u p fight it now? Every time I got I still had friends. One more fear and I have been through the usual ply. I wasn’t even looking, and had smashed, I wanted to down another dissolved. periods of emotional stress-fear, not seen a friend approach. They bottle of sleeping pills. But I would I had support from my drinking remorse, hopelessness. Then I joined had been there knocking at the remember the tears streaming down friends as well as my nondrinking the prison AA group. I found tre- door, and I had been afraid to my son’s face the last time I over- friends. They all cared. For the first mendous moral support from the answer. I opened the door. dosed. And I remembered how my time in my life, I began to trust my visiting speakers from the outside. Things are looking up now. My daughter went to live with her father friends enough to lean on them. But I still smirked when these people friends in here comfort me, and my because she was tired of the misery And no one turned a cold shoulder. assured me that things would get friends from the outside do what at home. I began to have many long conversa- better if I turned my troubles over to they can, too. I am learning to live My shrink was patient and always tions with my AA friends, and they God. How in God’s name could as AA has suggested in the Twelve available to me. I think I finally were available to me twenty-four God help me where I was? He Steps, and it makes life so much betdecided to go ahead and quit drink- hours a day. I finally let one of them wasn’t going to get me out of ter for me and those who live with ing to make him feel better. I quit talk me into going to a meeting. I prison. He wasn’t going to hush me. three months before my trial, and I really did it to get her off my back. these eighty women in this dorm at I am growing in ways that needed found that 1 could actually face my Again, I was surprised at the night so 1 could sleep-or keep them growth, and when I leave this place, nightmare better sober. It was still warmth and compassion I found from stealing and swearing and I will be strong enough t o survive. horrible, but at least I could control t here-and some of them even knew fighting. God may be everywhere, Thanks to God, AA, church, a the urge to kill myself. I was waiting to go on trial for but I surely did not see Him in here! wonderful family, and many Then 1 began to wonder if it murder. Then I began to resign myself to wonderful friends, I am going to would be feasible to face life (a nor- I discovered I was the one who my dreadful situation. I continued make it now-one day at a time. mal life) without drinking. What had been rejecting people all my to go to AA and church, hoping for H.P.,Florida

J u l y 1978 (k ‘

AA and Prison I n this section, six A As-inside and out-share experiences of how the program works in prisons

Not Just Locked Up and Forgotten

A T A MEETING not long ago, the topic of prison was brought up. One man asked if others felt, as ed, “Will all of you that remain seated please stand if you should have been in prison or jail at one sixty percent of these cases, the drug was alcohol. In the years I’ve been going to the with them. They need people to show them that they are human beings and that they are loved, not just he did, that the men in prison are time of your life, but were not be- meetings at the prison, I’ve seen a lot locked up and forgotten. there because of what they did to our cause you didn’t get caught?” Not of men released. Many of these are Through a lot of wonderful AA society, and that they deserve to be one person in the meeting remained making it today on the street because people here in the Bay City area, plus there. seated. they found a new way of life through a faithful group near Detroit, I was Well, I listened as members gave Every week now, for over five AA. Yes, there are those, too, who able to take to the prison group last their opinion one by one. They pass- years, I’ve been going to the AA have to go back to prison and serve week a 500th copy of the Big Book. ed judgment, and they condemned. meeting at a prison here in Michi- more time. But this is a choice they During the meeting, we hold a raffle, If a vote had been taken, it Would gan. No way do I feel that every per- made on their own-just as it is using the men’s prison numbers. The have been something like seventy son in prison, alcoholic or not, everyone’s choice to stay or not to man whose number is called wins the percent negative and thirty percent should just be turned loose. I know stay in AA. But each man I’ve seen Big Book. We plan to continue t o positive. that there will always be a need for come back to prison gets right back take these great books to these guys. Eventually, it came my turn to prisons. But I do believe that there I into the AA program as soon as he We feel if all this effort helps one talk, and this is what I asked of are a lot of men in prisons today can. In all cases that I can remember, man in the group, then it is worth them: “Will everyone here who has because they are alcoholics, because they said they were back in prison every book we’ve taken there. been in prison please stand?” 1 they suffer from the disease of alco- because they didn’t go to AA on the These men often write to me, and counted four that stood out of about holism. If it weren’t for alcohol, outside, as was suggested to them, you can’t imagine the help I get from thirty people who were at this meet- many of them wouldn’t have had the but did it their way. They will make their letters. ing. Then I asked the ones that had false courage they needed to commit it some day through AA, because So, for anyone who has wondered been in jail to stand. This time, more the crimes they are serving time for. 1 they keep trying. about AA in prisons, 1 hope I have than half the people there stood up. recently read that eighty-five percent But they do need help. They need enlightened you some. If you plan to Then came the question that was to of people in prison are there because outside guests at their meetings. go to a prison-group meeting in your put thedamper on this subject. I ask- of a drug-related crime; and that in They need AA people to correspond community or your state, let me say

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group. Like so many other alcohol- ing to work the program instead of this: G o prepared t o be treated like ics, 1 could not “Let go and let use it. royalty, prepared to shake hands God.” This visitor could read me Newcomers used to be greeted acwith some appreciative members, like a book. I tried every way I knew cording to whether or not they might but most of all, prepared to accept to impress him with my “position” be worth a vote in officers’ elections, these men at the meeting for what in the group. He snubbed me like I but not so now. They are invited to they are-alcoholics at an AA meet- wasn’t even there. That was the best sit in on a sort of orientation, and ing. Once you go to a prison AA thing he could have done. the program of Alcoholics Anonymeeting, most assuredly you will My free-world sponsor has cer- mous is explained to them directly want to return. tainly been a lifeline for me in the out of Chapter Five. (Is there a bet- Please don’t judge and condemn AA program. Through his contribu- ter part to give them right off the these people. Remember, “But for tion as our Wednesday-evening bat?) It is explained by the member the Grace of God . . . ” study group sponsor, the quality of who conducts this orientation that R. M., Bay City, Mich. the AA program here has improved he is no more qualified t o d o the extremendously. The attendance is plaining than anyone else; he is just AA and Prison limited to fifteen inmates then, but polishing his sobriety and trying to the group comprises those who want carry the message that was so freely it, so their interest acts like yeast given to him. For Those Who Want It among others in the Saturday and AA works, and for this we are all Sunday meetings. We now have a grateful. bunch of sincere people who are try- L. S., Huntsville, Tex. A LCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS is a In prison AA circles, the parole program that can and does thing makes politics so prevalent work for those who want it, that the meat of the program is AA and Prison wherever they may be-yes, even in sometimes lost in the shuffle. Thank prison, where I am. It has taken me God, we are allowed to have visiting two years’ participation in AA here AA members from the free world Now I Know How to Cope to find out how 1 can apply the Steps come in to share their experiences and basic principles to my daily af- with us. During one of our Sunday fairs. It has not been easy, but no open meetings, one of these visitors one promised me it would be. read the first three pages of Chapter A LCOHOLISM is a terrible disease. 1 know-I’m an alcoholic. I have been afflicted for thirteen lowing day, I was on my way to Parris Island, S.C. After thirteen weeks of boot camp, I was given a thirty- For most of this time, my sole pur- Five to us, then talked about what years, and until May 22, 1977, my day furlough. That is when my pose in attending AA meetings was the Big Book said and how it applied life was hell. world began heading for a disastrous to make parole. After receiving a to his life. The three references to In 1964, I was seventeen years old, end. year set-off by the parole board, 1 honesty in the very first paragraph a sophomore in high school, with To prove myself to friends, I went finally took a long, hard look at of that chapter hit me right between very poor grades. My parents were into bars and ordered drinks for myself. Who had I been fooling all the eyes. I do not give credit to this recently separated, so 1 decided to them and myself. No one ever asked along? No one but myself! Discover- AA member-1 give it to my Higher quit school and join the Marine me for an ID while I was in uniform, ing that it takes honesty to work this Power, who sent him. Corps. It didn’t take much to have so everything was cool. After my program, I finally was ready to go to 1 had been such a phony, trying to my parents sign the necessary pa- furlough was up, I reported to Camp any length to stay sober and get rid be the big star and direct everything. pers, and I was inducted. The fol- Lejeune, N.C. After one year there, of my “stinkin’ thinkin’.” , At the time, I was secretary of the

1got in trouble with the law, charged broke into a house, got arrested, and with drunk driving, driving without ended up in jail. I pleaded guilty and ing off a drunk and in jail again, this surprisingly enough, sobered up and a license, and speeding. 1 pleaded received a one-year sentence. time for second degree robbery. Sen- had my parents bring me back to the guilty to those charges and paid a When the year was up, 1was ready tenced to state prison, I still ne- institution on May 22, 1977. $197 fine. to go home. But the FBI had a hold glected to admit that I was an Since that time, with the guidance Upon returning to base, 1 found 1 on me for interstate car theft. I was alcoholic. While in prison, I com- of a counselor who is an AA memhad been listed as AWOL for two whisked into a Federal court, sen- pleted my high school education and ber, I have sought the help of AA. I days. After doing two weeks of KP, I tenced to three years on probation began studying for an Associate in know now that I am an alcoholic and transferred to Vietnam. for car theft, and released to go back Arts degree. In my last semester, the that in order to obtain sobriety, I In my fourteen months there, 1 home and serve my probation there. institution allowed me to go to col- must make AA a part of my life. spent ninety percent of my time be- On my return, in 1969,l found my lege on campus and return to the in- I am glad to know that I am an ing drunk. My excuse was “Might as parents were back together. 1 also stitution at night. On the last day of alcoholic, now that I know how to well stay drunk today, because met a wonderful woman, and we got college, May 20, 1977, I got drunk cope with this disease. tomorrow 1 might be dead.” With married. In the first year of mar- and took off. But I went home and, J. B., Woodbourne, N.Y. that attitude, I was drinking a quart riage, l was back on the bottle again. of whiskey and a couple of six-packs My wife had a baby, and we were of beer a day. always arguing because 1 was always A A and Prison When I finally came back to the getting drunk, and the bills were U.S., I was a full-fledged alcoholic. mounting up. The only thing wrong was that no My drinking became continuous. Living Free one told me. I was given an honor- In our second year of marriage, we able discharge, and I returned home had another child. My wife threat- HE TIME Was 0700, and it Was and went to work. The first job ened to leave me, so I decided to – A ~ r i lFool’s Day, 1977. I was lasted six months. Then I was fired commit suicide and cut my wrists. dressed in civilian clothes, my own for missing too much work and com- My wife took me to the hospital and clothes, which I hadn’t worn for a ing in drunk. The second job lasted the doctor sewed me up. Again, my long time. From the window in the two months. While working on that wife threatened to leave me if 1 stone building of the reception block job, 1 purchased a car, had it about didn’t do something about my at Dartmoor Prison, I looked out at four weeks, got drunk one night, drinking. I was forced to sign myself the all-too-familiar scenery of the and totaled it. Since 1 had financed into the ARU (alcoholic rehabili- prison grounds-the neatly arranged the car through the bank and did not tation unit) in the state hospital if 1 little flower beds, the cold, shining have collision insurance on it, I was wanted to save our marriage. After tarmac of the driveway leading to in big trouble. The only thing 1could thirty days, 1 signed myself out. the prison gates. The moment had do was leave town and leave my I went back to my wife and attend- come for my release. creditors behind. ed AA meetings for two weeks. Then Unlike many who have known this I decided to hitchhike across the I stopped going to meetings and end- same emotional prize, I knew where U.S. from my home in upstate New ed up drinking again. My wife threw I was going, where the road I would York. Everything was all right until I me out of the house and filed for tread was leading, what the future hit California. I got drunk again, divorce. I lost both my wife and my held in store for me. It was in the stole a car, and smashed it up. Then job.’ right hands, because I had been for I thumbed it to Florida, where 1 The next thing I knew, I was com- the past two years a member of AA. Because I am an alcoholic.

There were four other inmates re- ons. But not this time. I had at last 1 given ipgood jobs, and lost two vict working in a key position might leased with me. We were driven to found a means to change all that wives, three lovely children, two have damaging effects on the busithe railway station in Plymouth, negative insanity, to grow up. Slow- homes, a business, and my charac- ness if customers discovered the . handed our respective rail warrants, ly but positively, I was experiencing ter. I had landed in mental hospitals facts about my past. qnd left to catch our train. the kind of change that happens in and prisons, in ever-worsening cir- Through the AA program, I was Once on the train, after buying AA, the necessary change that we cumstances. I knew now why these able to accept such a setback without ‘smokes, coffee, and so on, we settled alcoholics undergo if we are to lead things had happened to me. “Why self-pity or anxiety. The fact that down in a compartment to enjoy the normal lives. me?” and “Poor me!” were no things haven’t gone as smoothly as sheer ecstasy of our newfound free- I was free, but only to the extent longer options for me. I had become I’d like hasn’t thrown me off baldom. About 1000, three of our party that 1 was released from bondage. willing to listen, to respond in posi- ance. I accept whatever comes-a made a beeline for the restaurant My real freedom had come long be- tive, constructive ways, to remain far cry from the old Mike of the car, where there was a bar. They fore, when I was still locked in a cell. always teachable. drinking days! The job situation has returned shortly afterward, loaded At the moment, an old poem had Life hasn’t been all roses and begun to look up, with work in hand with booze. They had found their come to mind and had been seen in honey since my release. I’ve had my to last about a year, further congoal. This had been the dream up- its true perspective: “Stone walls do share of ups and downs, of coping tracts in sight, and some long-range permost in their minds during incar- not a prison make, /Nor iron bars a with problems. There have been possibilities. I know that even if ceration. By the time the train pulled cage.” I thought how true this was some job problems, for example. present opportunities don’t work into Bristol, there were three drunk- for me. An alcoholic is a prisoner of Right after release, I worked as a out, something will turn up sooner en and rather unsavory ex-convicts, alcoholism locked within his own self-employed electrician, with my or later. ready to take on the whole world. private hell. own small business, but it didn’t pay My wife and I have settled down They were it! They were managing 1 had decided 1 would not try to well. When I found myself in debt happily to our new life together, and directors of the universe. They were play it my way this time. I would not after six months, I decided to pack it she is very grateful to AA for what it free-and completely irrational and try to play God. For once, 1 had up and get out of the trade, to get a has given me. I get to meetings reguirresponsible, to say nothing of the learned how to listen and to take ad- secure job working for someone else. larly and have made many good two heads they had grown en route. vice from those who had the same I tried for some time to find a friends, and I try to carry the mes- I observed this without comment, problem as my own. I knew from worthwhile job to settle into. When 1 sage that was handed down to me. but with a feeling of sadness. This, 1 bitter past experience the futility of , eventually did, I was sacked on the The amazing thing is, when probthought, was the reason so many of being my own master, of going on fourth day, after talking with the lems come along, I can cope! I can us were destined to return to prison this false, pride-filled ego trip. I had managing director and telling him be responsible and face up to the within a short period of time. This tried many times and always failed, the truth about myself. It was just problems. I can recognize my faults was what I myself had done on other and each failure had been progres- one more case of misunderstanding, and defects and when they crop up, occasions when released from pris- sively worse. I had lost good jobs, plus the fear that having an ex-con- can work on changing them. I have

to work the program all the time, every day. When I catch myself thinking the way the old me used to think, I have to switch off and replace that old thinking with positive, honest AA thinking. This works, one day at a time. 1 don’t even want a drink any

A A and Prison more. Life is different now; it has purpose. Life is working the AA program, going to meetings, learning how to grow up and stop the insane habit of landing in prisons and mental hospitals. The choice was mine- to change- and the choice is ours to make, today. M. B., Ledbury, England mean, some of those sickies weren’t shaved and were on medication, and they hardly ever thanked the speaker. It was all very bad for one’s selfesteem. The next time someone asked me to speak in an institution, 1 said yes, and didn’t show up. 1 conveniently fell asleep after dinner that night. Didn’t I need the rest? “First Things First.” I was not asked again for a long time, and that suited me. “This 9@> 33 4

Obviously, I did not kill myself. I is a selfish program.” When I heard fellow AAs ask for help in institu- picked up the phone. I frantically Reliable is a Fine Word tions, I turned away and thought, tried to find out what people did. 1 “Can’t d o it all. ‘Easy Does It.’ ” mean, what did they d o with all that I continued my quest for a pro- endless free time? I asked several

R ELIABILITY is a boring word. The language is filled with boring words, such as oatmeal, slush, tired of the sullen attitude of those morons when I didn’t show up. “Who needs people? Open another ductive and sophisticated sobriety. I AAs and got answers. “I am going left the little things for the little peo- shopping.” “I am having lunch with ple in AA, but would not have ad- a newcomer.” “I a m doing launfog, polyester, disgruntled, and bottleand put it on my bill,garCon.” mitted that thought if my life had dry.” “I am speaking at a prison gruntled. But among all the dreary ‘Then came an interruption in my depended on it. It sounded like such group tonight.” I don’t know why, words, I think I used to like reliabil- social climbing. The interruption bad AA. But that’s what I felt. but 1 asked the last one whether I ity the least. It topped the list. It consisted of delirium tremens, con- “Stick with the winners.” People could go along. was ahead of trust, maturity, and vulsions, and getting fitted with a sort of stopped bothering me, be- Do I really have to tell you what sincerity. canvas sports jacket. “Look, Ma, cause I couldn’t be pinned down to happened? As the evening wore on, I In my drinking days, 1 equated all no hands!” Suddenly, I didn’t feel any future commitments. “Sorry, I, realized I felt better. One of the inthese dull things with old age, and like Noel or Zelda. I felt like the star ah, live only one day at a time.” mates chatted with me and told me who wanted to be old? I was a care- of The Snake Pit or Three Faces of One Saturday morning, I woke up all about his life. He told m e about free, devil-may-care, laughing fool Eve. after a restless night. I opened my his plans to stay sober when he got like Noel Coward or Zelda Fitzger- 1 had to get sober whether I liked it eyes and realized I dreaded the week- out. 1 gave him my phone number ald. Now, they were my idea of what or not. Thank God, I eventually end in front of me. I spent the first and agreed to come back and speak madcap, zany adults should be. liked it. But an old habit began to hour out of bed simply staring at my the following week. Then he told me . I broke appointments and giggled reappear. It was imperceptible at hands. My back ached, my stomach something I hope 1’11 never forget. gleefully. “Have another drink, first. It crept up on me quietly. was tight, and I wanted to die. 1 was He told me what it was like inside gang. You only live once!” I told “How about speaking at our pris- back in the snake pit. I knew I was when the speakers from the outside people I would show up, when 1 had on group this week?” Sure, 1 said, depressed and had been for six didn’t show up. He said they still had no real intention o f doing any such and went, and hated every minute of months or so. I did not want to a meeting, of course, but it was less thing. “In a hundred years, it won’t it. “Will you take the meeting at the drink, but I had not enjoyed food or interesting. “We really look forward make a bit of difference. Belly up to local rehab center tomorrow night?” fresh air or love or the taste of t o you visitors. It’s nice to know we the bar, fools. I’m buying!” 1 finally Of course I would, and did, and cheese in a long time. have responsible friends coming in refused t o make dates, because 1 got found it very lackluster indeed. 1

here and waiting for us out there.” daughter whenever I want to. alcoholic. From then on, I became more de- I am writing this in a hospital bed, I 1 got out of prison, went to AA pendable. 1 like myself better now. because I have been having some meetings, and did as I was told-but People noticed this change immedi- physical problems lately. But now I I didn’t believe that 1 needed AA or ately. (They always do.) They began have faith that God won’t give me God to stay sober. The obvious thing asking me to things again. I am very more than I can handle. happened: I got drunk, for one grateful that I was given this second Since I’ve been sober, I have been night. Then 1 went back to AA, dechance. Being a responsible person able to start an alcohol treatment ciding that I needed AA to stay can be fun. Reliable is a fine word. I center with the help of many others, sober, but still feeling that I didn’t don’t want to feel or look like a brat some of whom are AAs themselves. need God. Again, the obvious thing locked in the body of an adult. I That was five and a half years ago. happened: 1 got drunk, and I stayed quietly enjoy working at being trust- Four years ago, I was able to start a . drunk for seven months. When I worthy, mature, sincere, reliable, all halfway house for alcoholic men and came back to AA this time, 1 was of which naturally can be summed whipped, mentally, financially, spir- women, again with lots of help from up in one word: sober. others. The same judge who senitually, and physically. 1 believe I H . P.. Manhattan, N.Y. had to be in order to reach my bot- tenced me to prison now releases tom. people in my custody-even one A A and Prison I came back to AA March 16, who was charged with murder. 1971, and everything has been im- I realize that none of this is my proving steadily since that time. My own doing. It has been made pos- I Came Back first wife talks to me, and my three oldest children know me and aren’t sible by Alcoholics Anonymous and my Higher Power, whom I choose to afraid to say they know me. My call God. I think the greatest gift that I WAS INTRODUCED to AA when I was in a state prison in 1967. 1 had drunk up two marriages and sev- We had been told that all speakers who came into the prison were paid $9.00 for speaking, and I believed daughter is in her second year at a university. My second wife is friend- I have received is that I am happy today. ly, and I can see my youngest D. McG., Wallingford, Vt. eral jobs and had missed other op- that. But when my friend the banker portunities because of my alcohol- came, I wondered why he would ism. But I did not think I had a prob- drive seventy miles in a snowstorm lem. It was always bad luck, people for $9.00. So I asked him what the against me, etc. angle in this AA was, and he very They say that you can’t be forced wisely told me to read the Big Book, to go to AA, but the assistant war- because it was all there. den made me an offer I couldn’t I had heard of the Big Book but refuse, so I agreed to honor the AA had never bothered to read it. 1 got group with my presence. After a few the book, read it, and saw myself in months of attending the mandatory it many times. From that day on, I meetings in prison, I heard an “out- have never doubted that I am an alside” speaker I knew as vice-presi- coholic. I wish I could tell you that 1 dent of a local bank, and he made an have been sober ever since, but I had impression on me. to do more than admit that I am an

May l Y l Y

Help for Owls From York, Pa.: I am in the law-enforcement field. When 1 have been involved in the arrest of a drunk driver, I’ve had to attempt to explain to my partner why 1 was concerned. I have also gone before the judges and asked for consideration for the drivers. This

makes ~welfthStep work a little easier. This month, I have eighteen months in the program, and 1 love it. I know 1 am just starting to grow, and I feel like a darn kid. It’s wonderful. The Grapevine really helps. J . L.

Another Way to Carry the Message An understanding letter “NO one ever wrote t o me before,” to someone in jail may have a he said, as if this was something very unusual. lasting good effect And I wondered: How many of us take the time to write letters to individuals who are in this situation? How many of us are aware that there

E ARLY I N my new life, 1 learned that the best way to insure mv continuing sobriety was to try t i role and settled down in my town with a job we had helped him to get. He also started to attend AA meetfacility, but decided that 1 wanted to continue to try to carry the message. So I sat down at my typewriter and is a continuing need for sober members who are willing to take the time to correspond with members of insticarry the message to other alcoholics ings, and was staying sober one day tried to compose a letter that would tutions groups, or with alcoholics – a vital part, but by no means all, at a time. be helpful to him. I don’t remember who are in correctional institutions of the Twelfth Step. But he had not finished experi- what I said, but 1 tried to tell him where there are no meetings? Twelfth Step calls can take many menting. As a result of his shenani- that the hand of AA was there when- How many of us are willing to forms, 1 learned. I visited sick gans while drinking, my young ever he decided to take it. take this very unglamorous, but very alcoholics in hospitals, in correc- friend wound up with a sixty-day Just before he was due to be dis- necessary, approach to Twelfth Step tional institutions, and in their own sentence in our local workhouse, charged, his parole officer called me work? homes, or wherever they happened from which he finally emerged, well- and asked if I could find someplace I wish I could tell you that this to be staying at the time I got the call tanned, bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, for him to stay, so that he (the parole young man is sober today. I d o not for help. and all ready for his next drunk. officer) wouldn’t have to send the know. He left our area, and I have And then one day, I discovered This one landed him in a jail two young man back to jail to finish his heard nothing from him since. I do that I could do Twelfth Step’work counties north of us (again with a term. not know whether my letter had any with a typewriter. sixty-day sentence) and also cost him I got him to okay the Salvation lasting effect on him or not. At the time, I was working with a another sixty days in a workhouse in Army as an address and made the ar- I do know that it had a lasting efyoung man who had all the symp- a county to the south of us. I had vis- rangements that day. A couple of fect on me. toms of chronic alcoholism, but ited him regularly in our local work- days later, the young man was living I have found another way to carry seemed unable to grasp the fact that house, and had been present at his at the “Sally,” going to AA meet- the message, and I hope I never he was a victim of this disease. court hearing, which resulted in the ings, and once again staying sober forget what it might mean to some- As a result of his adventures with second sentence. I learned of the one day at a time. one who is locked up t o get a letter . drinking, he wound up in a state cor- thitd sentence from his parole of- He told me that the one thing that from another alcoholic – a sober rectional institution, where I first ficer. had helped him the most was the let- one who understands. met him. In due time, he made pa- I was unable to visit him at that ter I had written while he was in jail. Anonymous, Metuchen, N. J.

J u l y 1979

Big Book and said, “Read it again. py I’m in prison. I want out, too! Maybe this time you’ll change.” I But by and by, I know it will come left this Big Book lying around in my about, in the course of one day at a cell for a few days, and after a while, time. It’s been a good fifteen when wanting something t o read, I months, because 1 am now very went to the Big Book. When I open- spiritually content and getting more ed it, only these few words stood spiritual strength through the help of out: “God as we understood Him.” the program. Periodically, I attend Slowly, it dawned on me that I could street AA meetings from this prison. use my concepts of my traditional I learn much and share what I have God, the Great Spirit, or in my In- found in AA thus far. dian language, Kitchi Munito. I be- About the AA program, the thing came more aware of what I had pre- I like best is knowing that there is viously missed in other AA in- “spiritual progress rather than volvements: a God as I understand spiritual perfection.” To me, that An eleven-page section Him. means it’s a life-long learning school devoted to the AA experience It is fifteen months since that Big in order to maintain a life of sobribehind prison bars Book experience, and as far as I’m ety, even if I am viewing my future concerned, it’s been the best fifteen “inside out.” months I’ve had in jail. I’m not hap- B. B., Prince Albert, Sask.

An Out-Again-In-Again Indian AA and prison

A Spiritual Awakening I CAN RECALL when “inside out” meant I had my socks on wrong, or my T-shirt. Thirty years later, then) put me in this world to be a convict. I foolishly prided myself as a “solid people” and a “right-on after a vast number of years in prison (in and out as a repeater), the term “inside out” means something rounder,” plus a “solid ex-con skidrow dude,” and some other choice titles. M Y FIRST AA meetings took Wichita Falls, Tex. I spent thirty place in the Texas Department days there, in treatment, and then I of Corrections. I was bitter with the entered a halfway house for another else; it means I am inside looking In late 1975, 1 had an experience whole world, and 1 didn’t get very four months. Shortly after leaving out! of reality that was like a shock wave. much out of AA. The reason was there, I tried to have just one drink, I am a member of Alcoholics I looked back over the past, and the that I didn’t put anything into it. but it turned out to be a three-year Anonymous, and I found AA inside only time I could remember having Several years ago, after losing my drunk. I was arrested for my second prison. In 1968, 1 said the same any kind of hope was when I was in wife and family, I didn’t care DWI. I was found guilty and senwords in another prison group. I was the AA program. whether 1lived or died. I even prayed tenced to three years’ probation, and released and eventually returned to I’m a proud, full-blood Saulteaux that God would take my life. But He I entered a treatment program. old haunts and habits. I believed that Indian. I wore my hair long and put had some other purpose for me. I I have been active in the AA pro- God (whoever I thought He was it in braids. Someone gave me the checked into the state hospital at gram since, and I go to at least five

AA meetings a week. For the first much happiness, but I was so happy stayed sober for a total of three but only as much as I worked them. I time, I have been really working the that I started to sing and cry all at hours. Free at 9:00 A M – drunk at learned how to live. Slowly, I learn- Twelve Steps. Having accepted God one time. 12:00 noon. 1 was on the street for ed how to love. Then one day, I as my Higher Power, 1 had a spiri- For thirty-five years or more, it about three weeks, until I checked laughed. Not at anyone’s suffering. tual awakening that I could not be- into the Alcohol Rehabilitation Cen- I laughed because I laughed. I found . was whiskey, beer, party dolls, and gin to explain. 1 got up one morning wine. Then I found AA, the Twelve ter at Norfolk, Va. Three weeks out what it was to be happy. The and prayed to God, as I understand Steps, and a Power greater than my- later, I was still playing the “games” Twelve Steps, along with God and Him, for strength and courage and self. I can like myself a little, and I that we know all too well. When the many tools of this program, have guidance through that day. It just haven’t been able to d o that in a long faced with the prospect of being made happiness a substantial part of seemed like a great burden had been time. God’s world is beautiful -and booted out of the rehab, I was told, my day. “It has brought light where lifted from me. I never felt such a part of it, my fellow alcoholics, by “Within two years you’ll be dead, in only darkness dwelt.” peace and so much at ease in all my God’s grace, is yours and mine. jail for life, or in a rubber room for For thirteen months, I haven’t life. I never have been one to know C . T., Corpus Christi, Tex. life.” That night at our AA meeting, found it necessary to pick up a drink. I heard a friend of mine say that he’d For eleven months, I haven’t found AA and prison waited almost a year for rehab. A it necessary to take a drug. By rights, year. I’d waited less than three I should still be behind bars for three months. That big, fat bosn’s words and a half years, but it appears that came back to me: “Do you want God has bigger and better things for Because Somebody Cared help?” me to do, because right now I am in the middle of a Mediterranean cruise Somebody cared. Not about what I’d done or not done. Somebody in the U.S. Navy – clean and sober cared about me. I started to listen today by the grace of God and the In walked a big, fat boatswain’s and try things I’d never tried, like Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymate first class. He looked as if he’d honesty, love, service. One by one, 1 mous. had a couple over lunch. Much to my tried the Steps. And they worked, C.M., FPO New York, N.Y. surprise, I found out that he hadn’t had a “couple” in over three years. A A and prison The reason that we twelve were there was because every one of our offenses was alcohol/drug-related. Most of us had been to general No Room for courts martial. Larry, the bos’n, began by telling

S EVENTEEN MONTHS ago, I sat behind bars, doing six months for a crime I should have gotten five to his story. In the following weeks, the “Friday afternoon alcohol for lunch bunch” learned about alcohol and I A M A N alcoholic who is still suffering, because I am incapable of being honest with myself. I have Correctional Center. I felt sure I had found the program that would help me stay sober. I did everything that I ten years for. Twelve of us “con- alcoholism. been sober now for twenty-three was supposed to do. I went to two finees” (the Navy does not use the One Friday, Larry asked me, “Do months, probably only because I meetings a week, because that was word prisoners in its correctional you want help?” have been behind bars that long. the number of meetings the adminiscenters) sat in a room, all wondering “Yes” was my reply. Released I first found AA through a friend tration would allow us to have. what we had been selected for. from confinement late that year, I of mine at the Washington State Well, needless to say, I heard a lot

of people telling my story. They had good about myself, or so I thought. Later, the hearing committee decid- day after it happened, because there all had miserable lives, like me, but But there were several things that I ed that maybe I should be at the state was no sense holding on to old they were all happy. They were all never did-I never prayed to my prison, instead of at the refor- resentments. I suffered for eleven able to smile and laugh at their mis- Higher Power, and the most impor- matory. months, and he forgot all about it! I ery, whereas 1 still couldn’t. I was so tant thing in AA, I never got beyond I arrived at the prison a sick and asked myself: Why could he be so curious that I had to make the sec- Step One. lonely man. I didn’t have any true kind? It messed my head up. I found ond meeting to see if I could try and Then the night came when I was to friends; just a man I had known at out later that he was in AA. figure out what was said at the first be tested. I started getting into trou- the correctional center, and I had I finally built up enough courage meeting. ble with the shift officers that work- had a run-in with him. I walked out to attend my first AA meeting at the I just sat and listened to everybody ed in the wing where I lived. I was on of the “fish tank” scared that I state prison. I walked in, and right at my first meeting, but I got called a grump. All I wanted to do was kill would run into him. Sure enough, away I could feel the warmth and the on to speak at the second one. 1 was myself, because nobody would help there he was walking toward me. I love that I had been missing for so nervous that I was barely able to me. People were coming to me, didn’t know whether to run away or almost eight months, since my last get my name out, but I so badly wanting to help, but I refused. I face up and fight. 1 decided to stick meeting. I have just now started to wanted to tell them I needed help. 1 wallowed in self-pity. Needless to around and see what he had to say. get rid of my resentments at being managed to spill a cup of coffee all say, it wasn’t long before people I was surprised to find out that he here. I have only missed six or seven over myself and the person next to started shying away from me, and I had forgotten all about the hassle. meetings here. I hope that I can get a me, and I was unable to speak. The was wishing I was in a position to get That was a real shock to my nervous good program started for myself, so chairman thanked me and got me off my hands on a fifth of good system, and I wasn’t sure that I that when I d o get out of prison I can the hook from any further embar- whiskey. understood it at all. He explained to stay sober and stay out of prison. rassment. I wound up getting myself into a me that he had forgotten about it the P. D., Walla Walla, Wash. I thought that I was doing all fight and was put in the segregation right. I did everything from reading unit. 1 was to be transferred to a A A and prison “How It Works” to picking up after state reformatory, but 1 wound up a meeting, but I had never taken setting a fire on the tier in front of more than the First Step. 1 knew I my cell. An officer came and put out From Stony Mountain, Manitoba, was an alcoholic. Everyone wanted the fire, and 1 spit through the bars six inmates share their to help me in every possible way. at him. I wanted everyone to know They would listen to me talk to that 1 was “a bad hombre.” them, one on one, because 1 couldn’t Another fire was set down the tier, Feelings from Bnside talk to a group. and when the officer put that one Everything seemed to go real good for my first year in the group. 1 felt sure that I had all my problems solvout, I reached through the bars and hit him upside his head. This wasn’t me at all, but I was doing it for the I AM PRESENTLY serving three years in a federal institution, for what the sentencing judge called “being a For the past three weeks, I had been living what is known as a dry drunk. I became resentful of other ed and I would be able to get out on “reputation.” 1 yelled like a sick menace to society.” I have served AAs around me, lost sight of my the streets and not have to worry animal the whole time. close to a year on my sentence and goals, became jealous of my fianctk, about taking that first drink. 1 was Finally, the prison riot squad was have been attending AA quite regu- and worst of all, lost faith in my able to tell my story to the whole called in to remove me from my cell. larly. I never could quite understand Higher Power. My inside sponsor, group. I had built up confidence They had instructions to take me what was meant by “Keep bringing for whom I am most grateful, caught beyond my wildest dreams. I was no “any way they had to,” and that in- the body, and eventually the mind up with me one morning. He told me . longer nervous when I spoke. I felt cluded bodily force if necessary. will come,” until last night. I had a disease of the mind, body,

and spirit that, unless dealt with, there was doubt before, there is now would eventually consume me. His no doubt whatsoever. Today, I no words that morning hit me like a longer feel alone. My God is with me sledgehammer, and for the first time constantly, leading me through each in my life, I realized my personality beautiful passing day. The only was precisely the nature of which he thing I have to d o is ask for God’s spoke. The first question that came help every morning, one day at a t o my mind was: Had I been trying time. My Heavenly Father will never to fool myself and others into believ- let me down. J. T. 8 ing I was alcoholic for ulterior motives, so I could get parole? I am very grateful to our program, It scared me that after sitting in an for it doesn’t leave me much time to AA room for almost a year, 1 had hang around with the rest of the innot been able to grasp the truth. But mates. The AA way of life is the only it also filled me with a true sense of way of life I know here. Being active in our program is, in joy to know that I could at last d o my First Step honestly and com- my opinion, seeing the new way of pletely. I lay down and tried to go to life rather than dreaming about it. sleep, after thanking my Higher From helping with our group room Power numerous times. The reality to being on the ~ t e e r i n g ~ o m m i t t e e of things I had heard in AA meetings and everyday activity, it is amazing over the past year, but never fully time leaas to trouble. Another thing the ideas that can better our group kept going was becau5e of the atgrasped, kept haunting me. “Wis- came to light – these were not and my outlook on life. Sure, I still mosphere (the laughter and friendly have lots of problems, but today dom to know the difference” took people). Once I got reasonably com- thoughts of my own, but things I on a whole new meaning. I never ac- had, without realizing it, picked up they are easier to handle. I like to fortable with my new surroundings, say, “AA, I’m grateful.” R. M. tually knew what “rigorous” meant, 1 noticed things that I failed to see at meetings. 1 feel very strongly that either, until last night. There it was before. if I can just change in AA, it will be 8

in the dictionary, in between “rigor well worth the growing pains I am Two very important things that I 1 had to stop judging the other mortis” and “rigour.” It was de- guy, and instead have a close look at experiencing now. R. K. believe: Temper is what gets most of fined as “scrupulously accurate.” I myself. I got into the Steps, begin- us into trouble, and pride is what had finally done my Step One, and 1 ning with One, Two, and Three, in Although I had spiritual teachings keeps us there. Also, I was not afraid am proud to say it was done in pre- as a youngster, I felt the presence o f of dying; it was the living that wororder, as it suggests in the Big Book. cisely that manner. Thanks to my God was never really within me. I ried me. And I learned something else. If you Higher Power, my sponsor, and my thought I was alone in the world, to I am an alcoholic and an inmate are not active in AA and are just group of AAs, I am alive today. d o whatever I pleased concerning my behind bars. I haven’t had a drink looking for the phonies, that is all Thank you for AA. J. B. life and the lives of others. for three years and some, but I d o you will find. When I stopped this know that I can never run the risk of mass inventory-taking and just took Since coming into the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, my having another one. I have seen During my first few months in my own, I could see the real phony AA, I was concerned with only one thinking has changed completely. I alcohol destroy my marriage, my was me. I vaguely realized that I was children, and my life – and if that thing – to find out just what was go- still acting and thinking my way, feel the presence of a Higher Power, ing on. I believe the only reason I whom 1 understand as God. Where sounds melodramatic, it sure is not which ninety-nine percent of the

meant to be. It is simply the truth. really scared. What I was scared of, 1 Someone once told me that this is itual one. I intend to work this pro- You would never know, if you saw cannot really say. I just did not know , not a religious program. Since then, gram, living day to day, and improve me now, that anything really hap- what to expect. When I first heard 1 have realized how right he was. It is myself with God’s help. not a religious program – it is a spir- T. S. pened. 1 am fifty years old. I am supposed to look well-preserved for my age, and I am very happy, and yes, the people speaking, there was a lot of talk about God. Not being religious and not believing in anyone ! I

the most important – “free” be- controlling my life, 1 was turned off A A and prison hind prison walls. almost immediately. But what is the truth really? Truth After a few months, I began to is what I used to be like, what hap- realize that I needed help. Seeing pened to me, and y h a t I am like how a Higher Power had helped so , now. I t is a story of hC(y I came to be many people, 1 knew that I wanted willing to go to any length. what they had. 1talked to my Higher After nine So where do I go from here, other Power, not knowing whether anyone years. .. than to meetings, as many as I need, was listening. However, I had a realone day at a time? There is a great need for AA behind walls. I f I came ly great experience. 1 was sitting in the dark, which was hard for me, for Freedom in as an alcoholic and stayed here I have always had a fear of the dark. in and served my time without doing I went through the prayer for Step anything about it, and then hit the Three, which is suggested by the Big Sobriety street, it would only be a matter of Book. I then closed my eyes and time before I would be back. I still talked freely with my Higher Power, have the things that made me drunk which 1 now choose to call God. I in the first place – such as the feelings of rejection, of being sorry for myself, of persecution, and of hosfelt pressure, like someone had put a hand on me. 1 opened my eyes. Of course, no one was there. But 1 knew I HA;E this experience to share with all, but it’s directed mostly to those behind prison walls. They told You know, when some would “drag” the line, it didn’t matter. We did have a feed out of this world; the tility toward others. I have found what had happened, and it gave me a me when I came into Alcoholics Al-Anons and all the other people myself at times being lonely, jealous, great feeling, and a shiver ran over Anonymous that I would experience who had a part in making the meal suspicious, and bitter. Such things, my entire body. many new and beautiful things by outstanding really knew how to feed if left inside me, can only be added Since then, I have done my Step staying sober – promises, yes. I a bunch of drunks. After we finished to the rest of my existing problems Four, and I have never felt so reliev- would like to share the feeling of joy eating, the meeting started, and we – and who could possibly want to ed. This is the first time I have ever and happiness that I experienced last all enjoyed the “outside” speaker. hit the street with such a mess? Who done something for myself. When 1 night. We laughed and cried with him, could possibly hope to make it? finished my Fourth, I was sweating, The setting was at an AA anniver- because we had been there, too. So maybe I can’t change the whole but 1 had finally taken a thorough sary in a large hall full of people, Shortly after, the music started damn world. But maybe, just may- and honest look at myself. Let me some I’ve never met, some I had at- for the dance. My new bride and I atbe, AA could be the answer for me tell you, I sure did not like what I tended meetings with in these past tempted to dance together for the and others like me. B. M. saw, and with God’s help, I will twenty-six days. As the event first time. I must admit that I was a a straighten out my life. I know that started, we all lined up for the table bit rusty after having been locked up When I went to my first AA without God and the AA program, I of goodies. This was my first time to for nine years, but this didn’t matmeeting, I was a little skeptical, and would never have gotten this far. stand in line since leaving prison. ter. I didn’t have to be the best

dancer on the floor, the way 1 license, the first one in ten years, and thought I was when I was drunk. We it’s mine, not someone else’s that did exceptionally well, 1 think, and had been stolen somewhere. That she thought so, too. And really, was my old way of doing things, but that’s all that matters. We didn’t go it isn’t that way with me today, and I to satisfy others. We went because like it just this way. we wanted to have this experience When we arrived home, I didn’t together- our first AA dance. even hit the curb or drive on the I knew that some of these people grass, as I have done in the past. And had done the same things 1 had done; I was with the one person in my life and here we were, sober and really who means more to me than any being who we were supposed to be, other person in this world, and she is not trying to impress anyone with enjoying all these firsts with me. I how good we were on the floor, and sure did like the way God planned not having to take a drink for that my day yesterday. I didn’t have very false courage to ask someone to much to d o with it. I t happened the dance. I could feel the love flowing way it did because it was meant to be in each and every person there. Some just that way. of the ladies were in evening dresses, I know that some men in prison some in pants suits, some in regular are wondering why I might write dresses; the men – well, you know this. Well, I felt directed to d o it this some of us still like to dress up and Sunday morning; it helps me to rebe somebody. But mostly, the men member where I’ve been in life, and wore blue jeans, boots, jackets of it helps me to share the beauty that leather, some of fine cloth. But it lies ahead for the ones who have didn’t matter what you were dressed doubts about the program of Alcoin. One of the AA ladies danced holics Anonymous working when barefoot, just like I have done in the they are released. The promises in past years, and it was okay for her, AA come to us when the time is right because she felt comfortable doing it and we least expect them to happen. her way. The sight of people having I’m sober and happy – contented fun sober was a true and lovable ex- on this Sunday morning. No hangperience that 1 will never forget. And ups, and no hangover to mess with. I being able to see everything that hap- know my day is going to be a great pened was another first for me. twenty-four hours, because I asked Now, here is another first – being God to do His thing with me, several able to drive home and stay on the hours ago. And whatever happens road, not having to look for the today, 1’11 thank Him for allowing highway patrol or police, not worry- me to be a small part in this beautiful ing about being stopped for a DWI. world of His. Yes, 1 have a valid Texas driver’s S. S.,HunIsville, Tex.

July 1980

An eleven-page section devoted to the AA experience behind prison bars A Shocking Awakening

W HO WOULD have imagined that, after I had taken Steps One through Five and worked on could anyone stand me, when I couldn’t stand myself? Ultimately, out of sheer desperathe help of my Higher Power, I’d discover what it was about the Steps but I must do the thinking. He had placed the power at my disposal with which to overcome my defects of that I had misinterpreted. most of the others, Step Six would tion, I began to set a time aside daily Considered in that light, Step character, but I must grasp that become the cliff-hanger? for working Step Eleven. I did it by Three turned out to be the one I had power and apply it to my life situ- After nearly a year’s sobriety, I myself, because, at the time, I was stumbled over, instead of working ations – and that is what I immediwas doing fair at managing my life still too proud to ask for help. It was through. I had made a decision to ately began doing. with the help of my Higher Power, a long process, and there were mo- turn my life and will over to God, Now, two years later, and still one day at a time. I was gaining a bit ments when I just wanted to give up. but I had not acted upon that deci- sober, I still have many character . of self-confidence and even caught As I worked to improve my con- sion. Therefore, it was not a decision defects and, without a doubt, always slight whiffs of self-respect. scious contact with God, as I at all, but merely a mental agreement will have. But I allow my Higher There was one area of my life that understood Him, I came to the that I had made with myself. Power to make up the difference beremained in its original granitelike startling awareness that I did not Consequently, whenever I at- tween my imperfections and His perstate. It was my negative, pessimis- understand Him at all! What a tempted Step Six, it was fruitless. I fection, because I, as a human being, tic, and resentful attitude. Despite shocking awakening that was, but an was not “entirely ready.” In order cannot attain such a goal. my sobriety, I remained bitter, ir- extremely essential and uplifting one for my Higher Power to remove my To conclude: The key for me was ritable, impatient, and sometimes for me. defects of character, I would have to not to be entirely ready for my downright arrogant. I viewed myself I began an immediate and in- allow Him to do so. I would have to Higher Power to change me, but to with extremely low self-esteem, be- depth review of my road to recovery. be entirely ready to use His limitless In the days and weeks that followed, act. cause of my rotten personality. It became plain to me then. He power to change the things that I I began to doubt and question the I jumped around the Twelve Steps had given me legs, but I must do the could, and to be entirely ready to aceffectiveness of my Higher Power. like a man on a pogo stick, consid- cept the things that I wanted to Why didn’t He remove all these ering each of them, but always work- walking. He had given me ears and eyes, but I must do the listening and change, but could not. defects from my character? How ing Step Eleven, hoping that, with G. H., Thomaston, Me. looking. He had given me a mind,

July 1 9 8 0 -fe. , t

AA and Prison

With many meetings, and reading about Alcoholics Anonymous in my cell, I came to learn that the AA program is far more than abstinence from alcohol. It is an all-new way of With the Aid of AA, life for the alcoholic who is willing to get sober. I learned that AA does not My Life Took Another Path preach, but rather suggests. I further learned that AA (in prison or out) is for those who are really serious about wanting to be sober, and has but one primary purpose: sobriety.

I AM DEFINITELY an alcoholic. 1 drank for fifteen years before I got sober. I started at the age of still drunk emotionally and mentally, which continued to affect the way I thought and lived. In the past, As my body became free of alcohol, my thinking gradually started to sober up. The thought of fourteen, and from the very start, these feelings would have forced me drinking kept coming up at times every time I drank, I would drink to to escape to the security of my bot- when the crew I associated with inget drunk, and every time I got tle. But in prison, I sought the solace dulged in it. When this happened, I drunk, I got into trouble with the of AA, upon the urgent suggestion had a decision to make, and only I law. of my wife and my AA sponsor. could make it. I openly told those I have spent a lot of time dealing In the beginning, I could never around me that I was an alcoholic, with staying sober while in prison. I understand the need for AA in jail, and if they respected me, they would have been sober for the past six when access to alcohol was Iimited count me out. years, all the while being incarcer- and all my thoughts were concerned In the beginning, I would hear ated. It wasn’t easy! In fact, there with my family, those I had hurt, such things as “You can’t be serious were times when I came within a hair and the legal proceedings that faced about all those things they say in of getting drunk. I know today that me. I knew that my being an AA,” or “A couple of cups won’t if I had taken a drink on those occa- alcoholic was the primary factor in hurt you.” It was times like this that sions, my life would surely have my arrest, but I couldn’t understand made me immediately think back to taken another course while in the constant need for getting to AA my last arrest, when I was on my prison, and a course requiring more meetings. However, I kept going – hands and knees, suffering from the dues to be paid than I could afford. in body, but not in mind. I knew I results of alcohol in my life and in My last drunk brought me to my had to be there, for I knew I was an the lives of those I loved. Such knees in total surrender to the fact alcoholic. I was searching for a way thoughts of reality gave me the that I was powerless over alcohol to rid myself of all the fears I car- courage to keep saying no, and as and in admission to myself that I had ried, and to be able to live life as nor- time progressed, all those around me a disease called alcoholism. Even mally as did those around me who came to respect my wish not to inthough I got sober physically, I was were sober. dulge. Many times, it was still a

struggle to say no, especially when I ferent from sobriety outside, in that AA and Prison was feeling depressed, angered, or it stems from following the Twelve resentful. At these times, I would Steps and Twelve Traditions of AA, also recall a slogan my sponsor one day at a time. I am sober only toalways used to repeat to me: “simple day, and I am responsible only for – not easy!” today. Should something go wrong My jailhouse sobriety grew from with the way I do things, then it is my days to weeks, and from months to warning that I am not following the years. With this new personal suggested Steps of AA. When this growth and the aid of AA, the direc- happens, I usually speak with a tion and interests in my life took “winner” in the program, or with another path, a path that was constructive and meaningful and gave one of the alcoholism counselors. I also get into reading my literature, A Rose Blooms sense to my existence. I found talents within me that I never knew I had, which I keep plenty of in my cell, and somewhere among the pages, I Within and found myself helping other peo- will find the remedy to my feelings ple – something I had never done and mood at the time. When I run before. My involvement in AA grew into a rut or a problem, it is usually with every new day of sobriety, and because I am not being honest with out of it grew the desire to participate, putting my sobriety above everything else. I know that without myself, and it’s time for me to show real humility and admit my character defects. T HIS IS a lovely time of day – 5:20 AM – that I have been given free to live. It wasn’t always love, and had dreams that in Hollywood would have been hit movies but in everyday life were a flop. my sobriety, I could never have My life today is manageable, and like this. I was to become bitter, envious, coped or dealt successfully with the 1 am thankful to God for all that I I go back to a morning in late and, yes, small-minded in the world past five and a half years, nor could I have, and for all that I don’t have. September 1936 when the world of hell that I built during the next have accomplished all that I have in I know that if I don’t drink today, seemed very dreary and dark, even fourteen years, when I nurtured all personal growth. Most important, I I won’t lose what I have gained, nor on a sunny day. In my teens, I was my wounds in jail. I had been told as could never have done it alone, with- have to fear things will happen that I already trying to lead a grown-up a child that I wore my heart on my out the help of AA and all those con- have no control over. I am grateful life, and it was at this time that the sleeve. I didn’t understand that, but nected with the Fellowship. today for the awareness and world and all I loved came to an end I sure learned how to carry hate on Today, I am sober, but I know knowledge I have of my disease, in a courtroom. It was also at this my sleeve. There was no sunshine in . that I am only one drink away from which I know now must be treated time that I deliberately turned and my world, nor did I try to let any in. a drunk. Today, I can deal with the daily. I know that I must keep my told God to go to the devil (my A rose, when it is fresh, is small problems that confront me, and life just as simple as Bill W. and Dr. language is now much improved). and closed. No way else can I explain even though they become quite dif- Bob did while together they struc- I did not need anyone anymore, what the sight of love and a fresh day ficult at times, I know that I have the tured the Fellowship of Alcoholics because my freedom had been taken was on October 4, 1952. I woke still strength to accept and handle them Anonymous. It is a simple program, from me and I could not handle any- in jail, but the outlook was different. today. My worst sober day is a and a way of life that makes things thing and blamed the whole world. The night before, I had met a friend million times better than any of my get better beyond one’s wildest Oh, I pinned it down to my im- from AA, who told me it could all be best past drinking days. imagination! mediate family, lack of education, different. Slowly, very slowly, the To me, sobriety in jail is no dif- J. M., Woodbourne, N.Y. not enough love – I was always in rose began to bloom.

For the first time in years, I knew release, with love and help from person, different from my real self. AA is a stay-out-of-prison program people weren’t out to get me. I had groups in Michigan and then in my Here in jail, I have discovered the that really works, so long as you let it happen. I had landed in jail beautiful Wisconsin, I began to program of AA. I have met a lot of stick to the program. The number of through the use and abuse of alcohol grow in a spiritual way that amazed people who were the same as 1 was. I guys that have got out and stayed and my immature way of thinking I me. It happened when I realized that firmly believe that the program is with the program is very impressive. was all grown-up at fourteen – what God (my Higher Power) was all- showing me a better way to live. I And they are still out there on the a joke! powerful. If I let Him in, I could feel have been working on the Twelve street, doing good. And I say that if I was to learn words like love, car- compassion and reach an insight in- Steps, and I have found out just how they can do it, I and others like me ing and sharing, pride, dignity, kind- to people that was all love. lonely and depressed I was. I know can do it. ness. Above all, the rose opened to So to those of you still doing time: that if I stick with the program while AA is not only a program, but a full bloom when I became aware of a Please don’t give up, and if you give I am here, I will lead a much better way of life. Just as long as we stay loving God. My AA group put up in a little, your rose can start to life when I get out on parole. AA has with the Twelve Steps and stay out of with so much from me. I was not bloom before you come out into the shown me that there is a better way situations where booze is involved, . even slightly aware what an awful world of sunshine. to live than the way I was living. there is no reason why we cannot person I had become. After my V. H., Shorewood, Wis. Through AA, I have met a lot of lead sober and healthy lives. I have people who seem to be living better to realize that I will always be an AA and Prison lives through the program. alcoholic and that I am just one I have come to the conclusion that drink away from a drunk. people who drink are the loneliest Yes, I had a taste of the good life ‘If They Can Do It, people in the world, because they can only find happiness when they and lost it all through the bottle and the pills. When I get out, it will be are in the booze. To be an alcoholic like being born again, which is not a Can Do It’ is to be filled with a disease that is in- good thought. But it is one that I will curable. But I am telling you that have to face, and I will learn to start there is help in AA. Also, I find that life anew. M. J., Prince Albert, Sask.

W HEN I WAS on the outside, I thought that I was a happy man, because I was living in a false son, because I was finding my happiness in the bottle and in the pills. I sort of needed them to survive. AA and Prison world of my own. 1 drove a truck Without them, I found that I was long-distance. I drank and took pills very depressed. Little did I know in just about every town or city that 1 that I was becoming an alcoholic and Reason for Living was in. It made me feel that I was a pill freak. king of the road. I was a little better I am now in prison. Not for a off than most guys, as I owned my short stay, but for a long stay – I am own tractor and trailer. I was taking serving a life sentence. home a minimum of $3,800 a month after all the bills were paid. What more could a guy ask for? While on the outside, I used to get in stupid fights, for the simple reason that I was drunk or pilled-up I BELONGTO the Vision Group here in the Collins Bay institution. I don’t wish to go into detail about share some of the experiences that have happened to me since I’ve sobered up through the Fellowship But the truth was that I was not and wanted to show off. Through why I’m serving a four-year sentence of AA. really happy. I was a very lonely per- booze and pills, I became another for manslaughter, but I would like to When I woke up in jail, I knew im-

mediately that I had a problem with that AA groups in prison are about booze. I guess you could say that I the strongest groups going. I am not AA and Prison had hit my bottom. I joined AA suggesting that AAs should go to while I was awaiting trial, and I also prison! But if they were to attend a had the opportunity to attend a few meetings there and see the treatment center for alcoholism. fellowship that the inmates have to While in AA on the street, I got active and associated with members all offer, I’m sure that they would agree. No Price Tag on Benefits the time. I managed to stay sober, I am also editor-secretary of our for some reason; I look back now AA newsletter, and I get to write to a Chairing an institution meeting and realize that it wasn’t my doing, lot of members out of the institu- was one of the rewards of his sobriety but that of a higher power of some tion. I am very fortunate that I can sort. I had tried various ways to keep devote the majority of my time to sober before, but they had all proved helping others with the same probunsuccessful. Now that I am in AA, I am beginlem that I have. Sometimes, I wonder if this illness isn’t a gift T HE GROUP is asked by the chairman to please stand, and he says, “We will open this meeting there because of an accident under the influence of alcohol, such as vehicle manslaughter. Some crimes ning to see things a lot different than rather than a problem. I still have my were committed in blackouts. They I did when I was drinking. Now, I bad days, but now I know what to do with the Serenity Prayer.” Sounds like the opening of an AA meeting don’t even remember what they did, have a reason for living. The joint about them. When I received my yet they are serving time for their life isn’t the easiest life to live, but I one-year medallion, that was the anywhere, right? It could be, but this is the way the Recovery Group starts crimes. believe that each one of us has a pur- most satisfying moment I have had Some on the outside question why pose and that my higher power since becoming a member. its AA meeting every week at Jackson Prison. How do I know? AA is needed in prisons. They have directed me here. I know that wher- Last year, we started a Seventh the false impression that people ever I may be, there will always be Tradition (group self-support) for Well, I happen to be there each Thursday for the meetings. can’t get alcohol there. Alcohol is AA, and with that, I believe, I can the members inside the prison, and very plentiful in any prison. Inmates survive anywhere. we hope to be giving a medallion to a I have been asked why I go every week to these meetings, 262 miles can make their own, or they can buy . When 1 came here, I immediately few more members in the near it. Last year, some men stole wood got involved with the program. This future. I wish to say thanks to all the round trip. The answer is simply “Why not?” alcohol from one of the offices and may sound unusual, but when I wonderful people that shook my sold it to the prisoners. Four men walked through the doors here to my hand when I needed it and gave me a The main thing that is lacking about AA in prisons is understand- died, after a great number. got deathfirst meeting, it felt like I had come cup of coffee. I know that without ly sick. Some are blind today. home. I continued to attend them I would be nowhere, with ing. Ask most people, “Who are the people in prisons?” and they most The main reason I feel that AA is meetings, and the group elected me nothing. needed in prisons is that most of secretary. I have heard people say R. D., Kingston, Ont. likely will answer: murderers, rapists, robbers, extortionists, con these people will be getting out of men. While in prison, they are called prison in time. With AA to take out convicts, inmates, residents, even with them, they stand a chance of numbers. But not many outside not having to return, simply because know that many of these people are they found someone who does love alcoholics. They could probably them and understand them. They never have done the crimes if they found people just like themselves: were sober. In a few cases, some are alcoholics.

It really is surprising, the number there. This is a small price for one’s of people who find their Higher sobriety. Power through AA. They come to In the years I have been going to believe, and they gain faith. This is AA meetings at Jackson Prison, I so important to people in prison. have received thousands of letters They need both, just to serve one day from these men. I write twenty to at a time in a place like prison. twenty-five letters a week in I think the thing they gain the response. 1 couldn’t put a price tag most from outside speakers at their on all the benefit I have received meetings is moral support. They get from attending AA meetings in the feeling that some do care and prison. that they are not alone, even if they In these years, I have seen a lot of are in prison. men get out of Jackson. Most are If you never have attended an AA making it on the outside, I am happy meeting in a prison somewhere, I beg to say. It is rewarding to get letters you to attend one. If you will, I from these people telling how they promise you this: You will want to got a good job or got married or go back. some other good things that have Sometime this month, I will be happened to them. In a little over bringing in to the Recovery Group seven years, I have been best man nine more Big Books. This will make four times, and I have become god- 700 Big Books that 1 have brought to parent to a child five times. these guys since I started bringing Sure, there are men that get out them, about four years ago. We and have to go back in. But when decided that every AA man in the they get back to prison, we try a little group who wanted a Big Book would harder. Sometimes, people see one get one, if possible. We have a draw- guy go back to prison and draw the ing, using the men’s prison numbers, conclusion that they all go back. and if they don’t already have a Big Well, for every one that has to go Book, they win one. We have been back to prison, I can name at least able to start a Big Book study group, ten that are making it outside. with each man having his own book. I heard from an old-timer a while The reason we need to keep bringing back, “The benefits of the AA probooks is simple: Men keep getting gram are beyond your wildest out of prison, and they take their Big dreams.” To me, it is a benefit to be Books home with them; some get able to go to an AA meeting in transferred to other prisons or honor prison. If you are from Michigan, I camps or farms, and they take their just may see you at the meeting. God books with them. We also feel that if bless all my AA brothers and sisters all these books help one man there, it incarcerated. is worth every book we have taken in R. M., Bay City, Mich.

July 1981

AA and Prison In this section, six AAs tell us how it works, inside and outside . ‘When You Hit the Streets – Call AA

I N APRIL 1973, in a courtroom I had been attending faithfully (thirteen appearances), I was senbut today I call it a spiritual experience. I liked my first meeting. I saw years, I was released on five-year probation. When I hit the streets, that’s when boogie, get it on. Then I would pop a few candy bars and sodas down my throat, remembering that someone tenced to an institution for five years some outsiders, and the women were it all came down. 1 was an ex-con, had told me sugar would keep me to life. Well, let me tell you, I’d been not bad-looking. The coffee was full of fright, elation, apprehension, cool and I wouldn’t want to drink. locked up a few times before, but good, and they even raffled off ciga- happiness, confusion. I had been Was I lonely! Maybe just one soft this time it was different. Facing five rettes and cigars. What more could 1 told again and again that when I hit drink at one of the bars I pass? But to life was a big one! ask for than having Friday and Sat- the streets, I should contact AA, no will they ask me who I am? Will they The judge’s last words were: “I urday nights out? matter what. But I was so wrapped know who I am? So I wouldn’t go am going to sentence you to the insti- I figured that if I was going to stay up in myself and the goings-on out. I’d continue to watch’TV, then tution for the criminally insane for in there for a while, I might as well around me that I had no time even to go to bed. an indefinite period of time. And by make it as comfortable as possible. think of AA. I had more important After about three days of this, I the way, there is a good AA program After several meetings, I must have things to do – renew my driver’s went to my first “outside” AA meetthere.” started listening a little bit, because I license, buy new clothes, sex. I alter- ing, filled with fear, ashamed, and I must admit 1 forgot those words wanted what some of those people nated between elated feelings of knowing they would not like me. I until about a week later, when 1 had – freedom, peace, property, finally being free and fear of facing wondered what they would think of heard one of the other inmates ask money, prestige, women! 1 kept go- I the world again. 1 felt as if 1 had me, an ex-con. Should I tell them the guards to unlock the ward so he ing, started to read the Big Book, “ex-con” tattooed all over me, and I’m a newcomer? A visitor? Somecould go to the AA meeting. At that and got a little involved with the pro- every time I saw a cop, I had how, with all my confusion, I moment, things started to connect. gram. I started to listen and to work paranoia. managed to drive to the meeting. The man in the black robe flashed in some of the principles into my in- I’d sit at home on the sofa, watch- Full of anxiety, head hung, 1 walked front of me. Call it what you want, carcerated life. It paid off. After two ing TV, and feel I should get going, into that room.

“Welcome.” I was welcomed, hundreds of beautiful friends. designed to help me stay sober. To I have been living alone for over a and that sure felt good. I got some The only change I would make in associate with people like me who year now, but only a couple of coffee, and when it was my turn, I the last five years would be to have had, or formerly had, problems the blocks from the halfway house and said, “My name is E-, and I am a contacted AA earlier. But my same as mine. less than a mile from my clubhouse grateful alcoholic.” I can remember Higher Power carried me over some Those were the things I wanted (for AAs), so I still associate with some of the people telling me dangerous ground. I got past it, and when I was released from incarcer- those who have the same kind of everything was all right, no matter learned enough to set that lesson ation, and I found them in the half- problems that I have. In case I get what – and please come back. down on paper and let somebody way house I went to. I became an stinking thinking, I have those Now that I’m out – what now? I else know that it is going to be okay. equal part of a group of men who places and friends close by. attend AA meetings all over the Today, I can honestly say that I shared the same responsibility, This past year, I was invited back county and state. I love it! I get in- am grateful for the prison system, counseled together, and learned to to prison, and I went back – to volved in almost all phases of this and to the people working in it. respect one another. In my daily liv- where I found my sobriety, my tools Fellowship. In the nearly five years Without them, I would not have AA ing, I started to use the AA tools I for my new way of life. It was indeed since I’ve been out, I have found and would not be able to share my had learned about in prison, and I a great blessing for me to speak God’s grace in the Fellowship, and experience with you. started feeling peace of mind and before the men, to share with them E. M., Santa Barbara, Calif. contented sobriety. I can only thank some of my experiences since my my Higher Power, whom I choose to release. But most of all, while I was AA and Prison call God, the prison alcoholism pro- in that huge room, it brought back a gram, and the men in my group for lot of good memories of the serenity helping to sober me up mentally, and understanding given to me by morally, and spiritually. AA in a correctional institution. R. H., WichitaFalls, Tex. ‘Where I Found AA and Prison My Sobriety’

Gratitude Behind Bars’ I WENT BACK to prison this time under new circumstances. I went back as an AA speaker. Four years values – what I wanted out of life started changing for the better. I wanted sobriety and peace of ago, I was an inmate. In prison, I mind. To live in a place where I kept hearing over and over at AA meetings that just abstaining from alcohol wasn’t the answer to staying would be welcome, comfortable, and treated like a normal human being. To find a job and get to work, so A FTER BEING sober about seventeen months, 1 came to prison as a result of some things that I did sentment, has been gratitude! I’m happy I came to this miserable place, because my reaction to it showed me out of trouble; I had to sober up my I could be and feel independent. To before AA. Since I’ve been here, my even more clearly how badly I needthinking, and that meant sobering have understanding counselors and emotional state has really been on a ed a restoration to sanity. up mentally, morally, and most of friends to help me stay sober and roller coaster. There are about 600 people here, all, spiritually. When I started doing assist me with my everyday prob- My strongest feelhg lately, in ad- and 150 in my unit, where the that, things began to happen. My lems. To live in an atmosphere dition to the frustration and the re- pressure is very great. Nobody likes

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it, but I was the one who was going that all my life I have been “abjectly intense on the Fourth Step, I admit- There are still amends to be made, plumb crazy over it. faithful to the God of Reason.” ted that – when sober – rarely did I amends that are going to be extreme- I think I may have come to believe Deep down, I always felt I could attempt any course of action that did ly difficult. But 1’11 at least make the that a Power greater than myself can figure out the best way to act in any not seem to carry a 100 percent guar- attempt to do them. And I will do so restore me to sanity. 1 hit a dead end situation. The facts show clearly I antee of success. I would accept the with the realization that, just as I on my fourth attempt at the Fourth could only appear to do that, since risk of failure in drinking moments, don’t have to drink, neither do I Step. So I thought I’d try my first at- the bottom line was always a nega- because any negative results could be have to succeed. tempt at the Fifth Step with a priest. tive result. blamed on alcohol. Needless to say, After about ten minutes, he said I The Big Book talks about all the quite often I was drunk when imporneeded more work on the Fourth problems we have with people and tant decisions were being followed “I get a Step. Since that was a dead end, I emotions, and a sense of uselessness, up, and almost as often, that particularly good had to go further backward, and I and how so many others have found monkey called failure was there to finally found I was at least as far their answer in trusting a Higher greet me when the smoke cleared. feeling when I try back as the Second Step. Power. The paragraph describing all Drunk or sober, how could I han- something the second, My Big Book readings and my the problems is almost a word-for- dle failure on the job? At social en- third, or fourth time thoughts and prayers lately have word description of my situation gagements? How could I face the and meet with success” been centered around that Step. I here, and the difficulties of my sit- fact that my wife was seeking securread and reread the chapter “We uation helped me see my need for ity and affection from other sources? Agnostics,” especially pages 52 this simple, minute-to-minute reli- How cculd I deal with the times my That seems to be the essence of my through 55, and finally recognized ance on God. friends turned and walked away? self-confidence – I don’t have to J. M., Fort Worth, Tex. How could I look at my daughter succeed. Sure, success is important, and know that she was a stranger? but so is failure. By realizing that it’s AA and Prison I handled those failures by run- not all-important to end every ning from them, by putting them endeavor with success, I tend to take someplace where I could not see more risks, to actually accomplish ‘ Strength Through them. The only successes I had were more in life. And failure? Well, it . the ones that ensured my continued makes one stronger on occasion. By Failure struggles in the miserable quicksand failing, I can study that endeavor of active alcoholism. and find its weaknesses, the reason it Well, thank God, I hit bottom and failed, then try again. I get a particu-

A YOUNG LADY I have been corresponding with recently asked me how to gain self-confidence. My I hit it hard. My bottom was a state penitentiary, representing a total loss of family, a total loss, period. larly good feeling when I try something the second, third, or fourth time and meet with success. answer was surprising and pleasing The people in prison, both guards My self-confidence is a warm to me, for I do have a great deal of and cons, were more than willing to covering spread around me, telling self-confidence. point out that I was not good for me that should I fail, I possess the By taking the First Step, I opened much of anything other than being a ability to try again with the . the door to self-confidence. I recog- magnet for misery – my own and reasonable expectation that connized that I was not perfect and that other people’s. tinued effort will someday be mated my imperfections entailed failure on That’s all changed now. Sure, to success. — occasion. Being honest and fiercely there is lots of residue from the past. D. Y., Seattle, Wash.

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July 1981

AA and Prison the meeting, I was asked to say a few tance of my friend’s death – my words to the prisoners. attitude toward the man who had It is an experience I shall cherish killed her. I didn’t hate him for the rest of my life. As I sat facing anymore. However, it was only with A Gift From Prison these men, a calmness such as 1 had never known warmed my heart, and my visit to that prison that I forgave him and was finally able to love him. I suddenly had the feeling that I was Not to hate is all right, but to love is with old, dear friends. 1 was able to so much better. ranted and raved, not only against tell these men in a steady and clear When I went to the penitentiary, I criminals, but against lawyers, voice that I wasn’t there to pity them thought I was going to help somepolice, judges, psychiatrists, any and or judge them. I was just there to tell one. But God had better ideas. I . all criminal institutions and rehabil- them that I loved them. shall carry with me forever the warm itation centers. I judged everything That’s what AA has done for me. handshakes and shy smiles of these and everyone. I thought God, sup- It has given me love for my fellow convicts. They are not aware of the posing He did exist, was nothing but human beings. great gift they have given me. It a bloodthirsty, unfeeling, vengeful Only when I returned home did I always seems that when I think I’m tyrant. Yet here I was, five years understand what had really happen- going to give something, I end up on later, getting ready to go and meet ed. There had been one little bit of the receiving end of marvelous some of these people. unfinished business in my accep- things. AA is like that. 1 had come to accept my friend’s M. R., Ste.-Foy, Que. death, had grieved for her, and had gradually relegated her to the closed AA and Prison chapters in my life. I sometimes thought of her, but the fear and the

I HAD BEEN in AA for a little over a hate were not there. With AA, 1 had year when I was asked to attend a found my God, a God of love, commeeting at the Federal men’s peni- passion, and understanding. 1 have A Greater Freedom tentiary in our area. I accepted, and accepted my powerlessness, not only then began to wonder why I had said over alcohol, but also over my pride, yes. my intolerance, my impatience, my The person who had asked me desire to control people and events. I didn’t know that my best friend had have given God complete control. I I AM AN ALCOHOLIC prison inmate, also an active member of our wonderful AA group. AA is very would say that is easy, because I don’t pass a package store each day. Not so, I’ll tell you. As a veteran of been raped and murdered five years was a little surprised that He was much alive and well here, thanks to these places for over twenty years earlier. Immediately after her death, asking me to visit a prison, but as the many supporters from the area and the brewer of many house I kept myself in a drunken stupor in usual, 1 dismissed it with “I know groups who care and share with us brews, I can say that it’s a miracle order to erase the images that kept You’ll tell me why eventually.” each week. I am very grateful to I’m sobel. crowding everything else out of my After the initial nervousness at these unselfish people. If it were not When they close my cell each mind. For years afterward, I harbor- slamming, locked, and barred doors, for the help I got and am still getting, night, I am no longer alone, worryed feelings of hate and resentment the echoing walk down the long cor- I would not be able to write this. ing about tomorrow. What a toward the whole legal system for ridors, and my first contact with the. I’ve been sober, by the grace of wonderful feeling it is to know that I allowing such things to happen. I prisoners, 1 relaxed. At the end of God, for over five years now. Some can live only one day at a time now,

by asking my God, as I understand My salvation was Chapter Five of Him, for help each day. the Big Book, “How It Works.” I This was not always the case with found myself smiling and being a me. I had no God while I was drink- nicer guy to get along with. My meeting. I used to feel that surely no God ings with the group took on more could be good if He kept me in meaning. My gosh, I was turning prison all those years. honest – with myself and with AA! The only thing I was sure of when I found I could love others, and most I got here was that no prison could of all, I found that my prison was change me – I had to do that on my gone. Did you ever hear a convict in own. I am doing a sentence of five to a maximum-security prison tell you twenty years for manslaughter, first he is free? Well, I am. The freedom I degree. On my last drunk, I killed a have today is greater than any I ever man, simply because I wanted to had in my life. No parole board drink some more. could give me greater freedom. I When I saw that I was given back believe in miracles now, because I my life, I headed stwight for AA and am one. worked at it all I could. At times, I We here are about to have our wanted to give up, but something group anniversary. Many of our AA kept telling me, “You’re doing the friends will be joining us – the right thing. Pray for help.” Well, 1 power of example will be all around was praying. I don’t really know us that day. Thank you for being a who I was praying to at the time, but helping hand. I got help in every way. L. K., Dannemora, N.Y.

July 1 9 8 2 f P

AA and Prison In this section, six AAs tell us how it works, inside and outside

AA Works- Inside and Out I AM A HAPPY alcoholic. I could I was speaking at a prison in New never utter those words had I not York State, and it was a Ninth Step cried out to God in a moment of total meeting. There were about fifty where 1 went to carry the message. At that time, the “outside” sponsor of the AA group there was a dear friend missioner of corrections for the state of New York. Because of her efforts, AA was soon at the prison. despair, “Please stop me from drink- inmates present. 1 asked them to of mine, who shared her joy in prison When she got a job, she called me, ing.” I was tired of dying and wanted share, going around the room. The work with me. I hung on every word and for the next thirty days, I walked to live. Where the cry came from – last man stood up, and 1 heard him she said. But it was not just her her all over this wonderful city t o at that moment of hopelessness and repeat words that had been said to me words; it was the certain something meetings and more meetings. The helplessness, when 1 felt unloved, twenty-two years earlier in prison, we see in some people who really live first meeting was at my home group unwanted – I have no idea. From words I had forgotten, words spoken the AA way of life. I had found my (the best in AA). When the speaker that moment to this, my life has been about me because I had been a cop. place in AA. Institutions would be did not show, I asked her to 1.ead the full of joy, love, peace, and friend- To my knowledge, those were the my way of giving back this incredible meeting. She spoke of her experience ship. only unkind words aimed at me gift you gave me – God, life, love, with the Fifth Step and won for her- I had once spent six years in prison, during my six years in prison. but most of all, myself. self a place in the hearts of everyone and I believed I would never return With tears running down his face, The inmate chairperson of that present. She loved every minute of there. But for the last five of my six this man was making amends to me. group was lively and active in AA and our walks and talks, the meeting, her years in AA, I have been active in in- Where else except Alcoholics Anony- wanted to stay sober when she came first subway ride (she had never even stitutions mostly prisons. The joy I mous could this happen? The other home. Less than a year after our first seen a subway before), and a visit to a experience upon entering a prison to men and I also began to shed tears, meeting, she was transferred to a sobering-up station. carry the AA message is unbelievable. and we were barely able to say the prison in New York City, for a work- Thirty days later, she was released. Wondrous things have happened and Lord’s Prayer. release program. She wrote sad letters My brother and i picked her up and continue to happen to me every day. I Then there’s a lady who was in two to me, because there was no AA at took her to, the halfway house that would like to relate two instances of correctional facilities for women. that facility. But she went to its she was to call home for a short time, the power of this program. One of them was the first prison superintendent and then to the com- then to the parole office, then.shop!

ping for clothes. That day was her sobering-up station. the real “free world” has nothing to fifth anniversary in AA. She shared it ing to find I had so much to share There are many more miracles like about being a sober alcoholic in “the do with the absence of physical conwith us, again at my home group – those in my life today. Every day, as 1 finement. The “free world” is the which is now hers, two and one-half live the AA way of life, untold joys free world.” Never before had I felt so like a channel; my Higher Power world of the spirit, in which your years later. She’s still enjoying her are mine. They could be yours. mind and heart are free to roam in sobriety, and she’s working at the Thank you all for my life. guided and encouraged me to share freely and unafraid, and to speak to search of the God within you. S. J., Bronx, N.Y. as many of the women as 1 could in I look forward to returning to visit AA and prison the short time I was allowed. the “pen,” and I am grateful to know For a few days after leaving the that the joy of freedom is in fact penitentiary; 1 kept seeing the faces being experienced this very moment and the light in the eyes of some of by many people like me, both in prison and out, all free through the ‘Just Like the women I’d met. Their experiences gave me the gift of the discovery that miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous. T. M.,Dallas, Tex.

AA and prison

T HE FAMILIARwords “But for the Grace of God” overwhelmed me as I sat between inmates at my part” of the program. Perhaps some of the women were, but I didn’t seem to see those. Instead, I saw womm ‘I Hit Bottom first AA meeting in a women’s penitentiary. “My God, they’re just like with genuine humility and courage, eager to hear every word 1 had to’say Hard’ me!” I thought as I looked around about using the AA program as my the room at the “women in white.” design for living. I saw women with I’m a twenty-four-year-old beautiful faith; incarcerated for woman, sober in AA over twentyeight months. I’ve never been arrestseveral years, they had accepted their situation yet had changed their I AM TWENTY-THREE years old. I am a recovering alcoholic. I am in an institution because of a drinking I’ll get drunk, and it will go away.” Over two years ago, I met a very wonderful woman. We fell in love. ed and have seen a jail cell only once, worlds by seeking and developing an problem that I never admitted I had She asked me on several occasions to while working as a reporter. I came to intimate relationship with a greater until I ended up behind bars. 1 feel if I stop drinking, and I told her I would. the sixth-anniversary meeting at the Power. hadn’t ended up here, I would prob- I even made promises. I kept breakprison primarily out of curiosity, Some inmates were serving time ably be dead or on the verge of insan- ing them. My family life at home was crumbling down around my ears – ‘ secure in the belief that 1would not be for crimes committed during black- ity. AA has opened my eyes and able to “relate.” outs. Blackouts just like I’d had! helped me see the light. For that I will my mother’s boyfriend and I never My preconceived notions about Never before had the realization of be forever grateful. got along very well. Every time I got women in prison were quite similar to how easily I could have hurt myself or 1 started drinking heavily when I drunk, I could feel hatred build up to those 1 had about alcoholics before I someone else while in a state of was seventeen, thinking nothing of it. a point of not being able to control came to AA -dead wrong. I thought drunkenness become so clear to me. It was just the in thing to do. Six years my drinking or my actions. I am bathe prisoners would be hard, brazen, “But for the Grace of God.” ago, things started falling apart. I sically an easy person to get along defiant, and cynical about the “God It was both gratifying and surpris- realized it, but said, “What the hell, with. I love everyone. But dcobl,

over a period of just a few years, have ever gotten in trouble with the trying to keep my hard-won sobriety led to another. During a blackout, I affected my way of thinking. The last law, so I hit bottom hard. Now, by giving it away. A lot of mixed tried to fight two officers back in the real good drunk almost cost a man his because of AA and God, I have emotions went through my mind cellblock. Needless to say, they won. life, and cost me my freedom. found sobriety. This is the best I’ve when the iron door clanged shut I spent another night in jail and Just before all of this happened, felt in years. I owe my life to the AA behind me on my first voluntary visit added this new fuel to my hatred for my mother tried to get me to go to Fellowship, the people who have to jail. I don’t know how much good police officers. The fact that 1 was AA. I said I would but always got helped me get on the right path again. that trip did the inmates, but it nasty and had started the fight drunk or made an excuse not to go. So if there are a few of you out started a program that did a lot for escaped me at the time. (She belongs to Al-Anon.) there in AA who are thinking about me. I’ve been going back to jail Five more years of drinking fol- This is the first time in my life that I taking that next drink – don’t! regularly since then, because it still lowed, during which I nursed my .

AA and prkon – D. M., South Windham, Me. helps me. My distrust of law-enforcement grudge against the police and other authority figures. Then came two officers goes back beyond my prob- years of sobriety and a time when, in lem drinking. As a young reporter, I working on my AA program, I began covered a sheriff’s office and got to to take a hard look at these feelings. Is Not know some deputies for whom I had Finally, I talked the matter over with a great deal of respect – plus some my sponsor, who was in the midst of for whom 1 had complete contempt. starting AA meetings at the local jail All were authority figures, and that where I’d had my last two run-ins made me slightly uncomfortable for with the police. He looked at me reasons that I didn’t bother to think thoughtfully and said, “Maybe you about at the time. should stay away from that jail. On Years later, when my drinking had the other hand, if you can cope with been a problem for quite a while, I your feelings and work through ran into the police under different them, this could be one of the best circumstances. I was arrested. I hated growing experiences that you’ll ever the officers who dared to question, have. You have to decide.” . handcuff, and jail a person like me, After thinking it over, I decided to who was obviously far superior to give it a try. In the first place, I them. The second time this hap- reasoned, I wasn’t going down there pened, 1 gave them a bad time and to help the police. I was going to help ended up spending the night in jail, the guys they had locked up. Sure, I’d even though my wife offered to put go along and try to carry the message

W HEN I CAME into AA, “cops” was a four-letter word for me. I hated the police, who I thought were So I had a strange feeling when, a couple of years after I got sober, 1 went to lead an AA meeting at the up bail. About two years after that incident, I was arrested again by the same to alcoholics in jail who still suffered. Thus, I went back into the jail where I had been beaten by officers out to get me when I was drinking, same jail where I had twice been an police department while I was on the seven years earlier. I heard the iron and I actually went out of my way to overnight prisoner. What was a nice way home from a Christmas party. doors clang shut and walked along pick a fight with them during a black- guy like me doing in a place like this This angered me, because I thought the steel corridors that I remembered out. The fact that I lost only added to now that I wasn’t drinking? any fool should know that everybody as a scene of frustration, rage, and my resentment. What I was doing, of course, was parties at Christmastime. One thing defeat. Every week for several

months, I went back. Gradually, I don’t like to take orders. Many of took out those deep-buried feelings these feelings go back to childhood and began to look at them with some experiences, and 1 need to first recogdegree of honesty. nize them and then replace childish One of the first things I discovered reactions with mature ones, related to is that I don’t go into that or any the world as it is around me today. other jail to help anyone but myself. Finally, I found that true freedom If someone gets the message, fine, depends less on whether we’re inside but the person whom I’m twelfth- or outside the bars than it does on stepping each time I go there is me. In what’s happening inside of us. As order to grow and win the freedom long as I nurse hatred toward anyone, that comes with true sobriety, 1 must I’m his prisoner. first confront my twisted feelings Today, 1 still take meetings into about police, prisons, and authority jails and elsewhere when I’m asked, figures – feelings that have lain hoping that by doing so 1 may be able deep-buried for years. to carry the message to another alco- taught to respect all of the man-made and carrying nothing out (letters, Early on, I discovered that it holic who still suffers. But regardless laws from ‘no loitering’ to ‘no litter- messages, or money). By the time this wasn’t the police that bothered me; it of whether these efforts help others, ing’ !” en route orientation was completed, I was the authority they represented. they’ve done a great deal to help me When 1 began to think a bit more was absolutely sure that I didn’t want Like many alcoholics, I have a big have the spiritual awakening that is about the prison invitation, other any part of this speaking venture. problem with authority figures – such an important part of our ideas began to tumble out. “The con- At the prison, we were searched which means, in plain English, that I Twelfth Step. victs will see me as a goody-goody; quickly and efficiently. The two G. B., Alexandria, Va. they’ll probably ignoreme. l’m not a guards were even pleasant. As we AA and prkon tough, macho street kid, so they were led through the cellblocks to the won’t have anything to do with me. meeting room (one of the prison Worst of all, there will be a riot at the kitchens), 1 got my first real-life prison while I’m there, and 1’11 be glimpses of an overcrowded prison. It held as a hostage!” In spite of all wasn’t pretty, and most of the pristhese misgivings,-1 agreed to speak – oners looked tough and angry. I Our Common Bonds primarily because I had, many years earlier. made a vow to speak whenguess I would be, too, under such conditions. Once at the meeting, I ever asked, no matter what, as long as was personally introduced to each my schedule permitted. member of the “inside” group. There The night I was to speak, I was were about eighteen, most of them A FEW YEARS ago, I was asked to speak at a prison located outside the city where 1 lived. Though 1 facility was something 1 had never done or even thought about. My first reactions to the request were: “I have picked up by the “outside” sponsor of the group. During the drive to the prison, he briefed me on some of the under thirty years of age. Three looked as if they belonged in high school. had been in Mfor a number of years absolutely nothing in common with correctional facility’s meeting rules Despite all my reservations and and had told my story at many hospi- convicts – my father was a hard- that outside AA members had agreed feelings of being out of place, I tal groups and psychiatric clinics, nosed, law-and-order-at-all-costs to observe, such as taking no ciga- quickly discovered that our common carrying the message to a correctional Irish cop. With a heavy hand, I was rettes or other gifts to the prisoners, affliction broke through all of thb

artificial barriers. They were warm, That night was important to me. genuinely interested in me as a per- Not only did it teach me (once again) Prison is a good place to complete early years, when stakes were small, 1 son, open, and willing to share right the folly of projecting, but theexperi- an inventory (though I recommend practiced rigorous financial honesty. along with me. Like me, they were ence led me to become more involved you try to find another place if you Later, when the stakes were greater, trying to rebuild their shattered and with AA in prisons. I learned that can). In such a place, certain facts are greed overcame honesty, and I did confused lives. 1 felt that our com- local AA institution committees can hard to hide from. For most of the and said what I knew in my heart was mon weaknesses were our common always use member support and as- time I was there, I managed to tell not right. bonds. They made me feel at home sistance in their efforts to carry the myself I was an honest businessman That was two years ago. Now, I . behind the gray walls. message behind the walls. who had made some errors of judg- can see I needed the pain and the D.F., Manhartan, N.Y. ment – I hadn’t deliberately cheated embarrassment to become honest people, but somehow they did get with myself about myself. Otherwise, AA and prison cheated. the lies might have gone on forever, Part of the camouflage was being and led to the next drink and to, scrupulously honest in small ways. 1 death. On days when things don’t couldn’t understand how I could be seem better, I have reminders of so honest in some ways but not in worse days gone past – the early A Good Place others. Finally, the day came – days of sobriety as well as the within two weeks of release – when 1 drinking days before that – and of for an Inventory saw some truth: There had been a worse days ahead as the penalty if I progression of dishonesty. In the fail to live the AA way of life. J . M.,Fort Worth, Tex.

I N THE BEGINNING, these state- ‘ments did not apply to me: “No one is too sick for AA”; “Some are row-minded attitude, but I was in no position to object. Today, I am grateful that AA had sicker than others.” Later, they cer- gotten to me before the Justice tainly did apply. Department did. (I was tricked into The police had not been a big prob- going to my first AA meeting. By the lem during my drinking days (a grace of God, I kept coming back and blackout can do wonders for speak- not drinking, one day at a time.) ing abilities), but sobriety brought We must be willing to go to any with it a slowing of the pace, and lengths. I had to go to prison to tracks were harder to cover. After a become free. It seems only in that year and a half of sobriety, long- way could 1 be freed of the lies I told standing business practices came to myself to keep from seeing myself as I light, and some of them turned out to was. Lying and rationalizing had be illegal. As a result, I soon found started long before the drinking, and myself standing in front of a Federal they didn’t die quickly with sobriety. judge, who thought it would be a real Getting honest with myself was slow good idea if I went to prison for a and painful, and prison was a key year. That seemed to be a very nar- part of the process.

“politicians.” They had to quote message only causes a drunken thief In this section, four AAs tell us how it works, inside and outside from the Big Book in order to have to become a sober thief, I think we anything to say. I learned that though have done what we are asked to do only a few were serious, the only one carry the message of sobriety to 1 needed to be concerned about was another alcoholic. Our job is not to me. Was I serious? rehabilitate criminals. Our job is to I hear AA members say they don’t carry AA’s message to alcoholics, so want to go to prison meetings because all we need to understand is ourthey have never been to prison, so selves. The Big Book reminds me they feel they have nothing to relate. that, properly armed with facts about

and Prison Let me please change that feeling. 1 knew how to live in prison. What 1 did not know was how to live successfully on the outside. My peers did not know, either, so the person 1 needed most to hear from and learn from ourselves, we can often gain the entire confidence of a new person and so help him onto the road to recovery. Working with inmates can be tiring and frustrating. Sometimes, we drive miles to a prison meeting to find that was the member who had not been it has been canceled. Sometimes, we locked away, who knew how to live in establish a relationship with an inthe free world. And please remember mate and are not allowed to corre- NEEDED: ‘Real People’ – they would not let me out to see you. spond. Our friend may be transferred, or become discouraged and

I WAS IN the Colorado State Penitentiary, my third, when AA a five-week “Twelve Steps study school.” Each Saturday and Sunday I hear AA members say they don’t like going to prison meetings because they don’t relate to the “criminal stop coming. One of my early sponsors “quit” AA about every three months. found me. Neither I nor anyone else afternoon, we gave up our movie and mind.” I lived with a criminal mind Inmates do and will use us, if we alhad any idea that alcoholism was my went to AA, where sponsors read to for years. AA led me to a spiritual low it. 1 have found some firm guideproblem, although now, with my cur- us from the Big Book, guided us awakening that did for me what is in- lines for me. I will not carry messages rent understanding of the disease, it is through the Steps, and shared their dicated in the Big Book: a huge emo- in or out; there are other legitimate obvious that 1 was in my first prison experiences in recovery with us..1 was tional displacement and rearrange- channels. I will not bring anything at age nineteen as a direct result of al- carried through the Steps the first ment. Ideas, emotions, and attitudes cigarettes, candy, etc. – in; there are coholism: I was twenty-three days time, then given my first Twelfth Step were cast aside, and new conceptions other legitimate channels. I simply AWOL on a spree while my unit was job: 1 was to sponsor the next group. and motives began to dominate me. I share myself, what I found, and how moved to a war zone. Thank God for the Big Book to read, was changed, by God’s grace. I did I found it. As time goes on, I will To become a member of the New and the experience of the Steps 1 had not treat my drug problem. 1 did not sometimes help someone I have come Life Group in the Colorado state pen, just had. treat my criminal problem. I did, to know work out a parole plan, and there was one requirement beyond a Our group had about ninety men in through the Twelve Steps, deal with even commit myself to temporary desire to stop drinking. The group it, and possibly ten meant business. I my alcoholism. The other problems sponsorship. But the caution in the met each Friday night, and outsiders, stayed close to these men, but I ceased to exist. Big Book guides me – we should not “real people,” were allowed to at- learned a lot from the phonies and For those who apply the principles put our work on a service plane, betend. To go to this meeting, the new Originally a presentation to the 32nd General of AA to their lives, this change cause that would make it possible for inmate or new member had to attend Service Conference. CopyrightC9A.A. World seems to take place. But even if our our prospect to use us for money or Services, Inc.

contacts and might jeopardize his mate groups. We have a unit that al- show regularly, to share honestly, My loyalty to my prison group is chance at recovery. lows AA meetings, but if no outside and to be there my first night out, best shown by my never being an 1 have learned that while there will members show up, there is no meet- Reed’s promise to me is a reality: I active member of the New Life. always be some things that the ad- ing. A county jail insists that one have not had to go back. The parole Group in the Colorado state pen, but ministration does that 1 do not agree group commit itself to hosting the man gave me six days at the outside, by remaining an outside member, one with, it is none of my business. 1 am meeting for six months at a time, or based on my past record. It has been of the “real people,” staying sober not there to tell them how to run their no meeting. Sadly, there have been twelve and a half years free and four- and living free. institution, only to carry the AA mes- times when there was no meeting. teen years sober now. D.P., Aurora, Colo. sage to the alcoholics in custody. Returning inmates talked about Sometimes, I must submit to indig- “hanging their AA on the gate.” This AA und Prison nities such as searches, fingerprint- can be avoided if there is an AA ing, photo 1D cards, security checks, contact the first day out. and even deliberate rudeness and sabotage by the type of prison personnel When 1 was paroled, my inside sponsor said to me, “1 wish they were not letting you go. You are not ready. You Changed My that does not understand. Most often, we have been welcomed with open arms. Each institution is, by its nature, run bysecurity, and I must re- You don’t know how to live in the free world.” He saved my life, because I knew he was right. With this I ‘M A GKAT[:I:uI. alcoholic, incarcerated at the present time because I was unable to control my drinking. Attitude spect this or not go, and to not go knowledge and Reed’s personal invi- A year ago, 1 was a different person. could mean someone does not get the tation, 1 made AA my first stop, and My AA experience has given so much message. it worked. I was welcomed, of to me in growth, God as I understand T o be effective in institutions work Him, knowledge, and experience. Yet calls for commitment and continuity. more than that, you, the members of It was important to me to see the “. . . if no outside members Alcoholics Anonymous, have had a same faces show up on a regular show up, profound effect on my beliefs and basis. 1 knew those people were there there is no meeting” ideals. The relationship that I have for something other than a one-shot established with God and my fellow g o trip. It took me a while to trust members is proof that this program anyone. 1 began to know and trust course, but of most importance to works if I work! And yet I’m just beginning. The people like Reed and Sparky. I asked someone as scared as I was, 1 was This program of AA has demon- faith, trust, and courage that I have Reed the week before I was released welcomed by someone I already knew strated its value by defining the pur- developed since I joined AA are just how 1 would be accepted. Hq said, and trusted from his long attendance pose and meaning of my life, beyond incredible. Yes, I’m saying that even “Come and see.” Reed told me if 1 at our prison meeting. just serving a thirty-year sentence. though I’m locked up, I have serenwould make an AA meeting my first 1 believe it is vital for a person I’ve been touched by the many speak- ity, and I know that as long as 1 take it night .out, 1 would probably never being released to have in mind a place ers who come here to share their one day at a time and go to AA meethave to go back to prison. He told me and a person for that first night out experience, strength, and hope with ings, I will become the man I was if 1 would show up at the club, some- – not just the admonition to “go to me, and I have been influenced to the meant to be – a human being of one I knew would be there to meet AA.” A newly released prisoner is at utmost. I no longer have the negative value and purpose. I will always keep me. Reed was at the top of the stairs best nervous and scared and feeling feelings 1 once had concerning my my memories green for the sake of when I got there. alienated. worth as a person. This Fellowship continued sobriety. Reliability is important to the in- Because someone cared enough to has an impact on people’s attitudes. B. C.,A venel, N.J.

AA and Prison long as I have one hand in my Higher I thank them for being such powers Power’s and one hand in AA’s. of example and for walking the walk. Through the years of sharing in in- Today, I measure the quality of my stitutions, I have had the privilege of sobriety by the willingness I have in meeting wonderful, dedicated fellow my heart to reach out to the stilr- AAs who go to any length to carry the suffering alcoholics who haven’t message. They are my true heroes – made it to the meeting rooms yet, no positions, no popularity contests, who are dying in the streets, and who and no applause for them -just will- need to know that AA works. God ingness to continue to do God’s work. bless you, old-timers! I

D. G., Manhauan, N.Y.

A S A NEWCOMER to AA, 1 was fortunate to be surrounded by old-timers who were actively carrying early in sobriety that I can’t talk this program. 1 must make a commitment to walk the walk if 1am to stay sober. A A and Prison the message to alcoholics in insti- During most of my sober years, I tutions and had been doing so for many years. These wonderful people took me by the hand and guided me through the doors of many detoxes, have tried to follow the path of the old-timers who taught me the ropes of institution work. It’s kept me sober. My experiences in detoxes, It Took jails, Bowery residences, and rehabs. Wherever they went, I willingly tagged along, still shaky in my newfound sobriety. prisons, and rehabs and on the Bowery have been at the heart of my recovery. I am not a crusader, but I am filled What It Took My Higher Power put me in the with despair when AA members reright place from the beginning. The fuse to speak in institutions. 1 realize AAs who molded my sobriety and that fear paralyzes them – 1 knew were my “powers of example” were continuously helping fellow drunks who had not yet found their way to that fear, too. When my sponsor asked me to examine that fear, I discovered that 1 was really afraid of F O R M E . M A K I N G a decision wasn’t the easiest thing in the world to do, since every one I made in more I went to the meetings, the more I believed it. Step Two, I accepted and emour Fellowship, or had suffered re- drinking again. Active drunks the past had proved to be worthless. I braced with all my heart, because my lapses and were trying to recover brought out my own fear of re- didn’t have much faith in my deci- greatest wish was to find something from this disease that kills. lapsing. But I continued to go to insti- sions, or in my way of doing things. I better than what I had – which was It was impressed upon me that tutions and share, and the fear dissi- still have problems in that area, nothing. My family could not stand commitment to “giving it away” is pated as I grew stronger through the though my life and my decisions are to live with me anymore. not just a “when 1 feel like it” thing. Steps and “giving it away.” (I shudder no longer based on alcohol. After attending a few AA meetings It means discipline; it means ongoing to think what would happen to me if I All I have to share is my sad, old and making my rounds among the action; and it means showing up to let fear be my master.) Although I am story; and that, to me, is boring! doctors, 1 saw some of the truth chair an institution meeting when still one drink away from a drunk, When I first came in touch with about myself. And it got worse! I your speaker doesn’t show, or when God has given me strength – the AA and looked into the Steps, 1 couldn’t face myself or completely only one or two (or none) attend the strength that comes from giving – didn’t understand anything about give myself to this simple program, meeting. I thank God for showing me and there is nothing to fear now as Step One, but I-surelybelieved it. The because I couldn’t picture life with-

out drinking. Loneliness increased. I which landed me in prison, doing withdrew more and more. I drank twenty years. I had left my last detox more and ran harder from the facts. with the thought that something had But the things I heard in those to happen. Well, it did! I ran into a meetings wouldn’t let me alone. I drinking buddy who had a gun. I was wanted to face them, but 1 didn’t crazy in my thinking and almost out think I could. Hopelessness set in, of booze; you can guess the rest. and booze did not seem to stop it any- Anyway, that’s my sad, old story. It sure isn’t one of success. I know there is no middle of the road for me. I fought booze until all the fight that was in me was gone. I have to d o one thing or the other: drink or not drink. This is my decision: to become willing to make a decision daily, with the help and guidance of AA. Sometimes, my confidence that I will be able to stay sober runs high. But I’ve had self-confidence before, and for me, it’s worthless without proper guidance. I just simply cannot do it alone. I’ve proved that to myself over and over again. The way I ran my life showed beyond a shadow of a doubt that my own unguided efforts were utterly worthless. The God I chose to believe in is the one who gave me enough courage to come to these people who I know understand where I’m coming from, and offer me help. In return, maybe my experience can help someone else. I have two years and one month without a drink, one day at a time. It more. I hated myself, because now I may not be much, but to me, I finally knew what I was doing. The Big have a real success story! I feel that Book and the people in AA were tell- it’s the beginning of theend of the old ing me that I needed to get off the life, and 1 would d o anything never bottle. again to have to return to that life. Then came the drink of all drinks, C. A ., Huntsville, TEX.

December 1983

day – if God so wished – perhaps I ern New York. May our prayers for could have been one of those giving, the year coming and our thanks for rather than one of those receiving. the year past include AA and its I write to send a word of thanks to wonderful people throughout the those beautiful AA members of west- land. R. B., Attica, N.Y.

ica

S INCE I’VE been in Attica State us the true meaning of the word fel- Prison, we – the Beacon Group lowship. – have had speakers coming here Even though I’m very active in the from Buffalo, Rochester, Canada, Beacon Group and even though, and points beyond, driving as much without a doubt, my feelings are as 100-plus miles one-way in all types shared by all the others, 1 am not of weather to spend two short hours writing this on behalf of the group. I with us. write as one who had forgotten a les- Despite my years in AA in New son “taught” over and over at those York City, I had never really appreci- AA meetings in the city: “Don’t go ated the dedication of AAs. The best back ‘out there’ to the drinking life. example of that was an AAChristmas But if you do, the doors will always party we had. At 9:00 AM, we set up be open for your return. Those of us for our party, and guests – AA you leave here will be waiting and members – began to arrive. More willing to help as before.” than a dozen people had left their 1 hadn’t remembered that. I hadn’t homes and families early in the morn- remembered that AA had people like ing, made the long drive to Attica, the co-founder of Beacon, seventyand endured the frustrations of the five years old, and all the others who procedures required for them to be came to be with us on Christmas, admitted among us in a party setting sharing, giving hope, helping to erase – all to be with us during a very try- our feeling of having no friends near. ing and lonesome time of the year. Had 1 remembered that lesson and They sat among us, talked to us, took the people, the mistakes I made could pictures for us, and in general showed have been avoided. And on that holi-

January 1984

Listening, was crazy to think I could go for fiftc’en nionths. The first few weeks of my sobriety has happened when, over the years, I have strayed from the path. I have not strayed far enough to leave AA or

Trusting, are quite hard to describe accurately, but I know God was working in me, hecause I started doing things I had never done before-like listening, long enough to interrupt my sobriety; but 1 have at times sacrificed my AA involvement for what I thought to be a means of improving my conscious Believi ng trusting, and believing. I’m grateful I learned that drugs should not be used as a substitute for alcohol. And in contact with God. The results of going off on those tangents have always led me to rededication and He came to A A to those first weeks, I sonieliow acquired further comn~itment to Alcoholics stay out of jail artd found enough courage to ask a man to be Anonymous. my sponsor. The last such experience – my first a joyous, plrrposef~rlI@ Hesides taking me to many meet- sober attempt at “the geographic ings and spending much of his free cure” – led to a term as DCM time with me, my sponsor led me (district committee member). That through the Twelve Steps arid taught was not my purpose for the move, T HE AIOSI’ nieaningful thing that has ever entered my life is Alcoholics Anonynious. The easiest rlie about giving of myself. Much to riiy surprihe and delight, when I but what an experience! I now know so much more about the service way to explain what has happened to began honestly putting the principles structure of AA, the importance of me is to use Bill’s description of his of the program into action in my life, the Twelve Traditions, and the need newly sober friend as it appears in our I felt it was going to work for me. to work together in our spiritual Big Book: “Then lie had, in effect, I have found that giving is the key Fellowship. More important is the been raised from the dead, suddenly to my continuous, happy sobriety. I reaffirmation of my belief that I am taken from the scrap heap to a level started giving because it was some- fulfilling God’s purpose for my life of life better than the best he had ever thing I was told to gio. I soon realized by keeping busy in AA. known!” [hat when I was giving freely of my- God gave me the desire to earnestly 1 came into AA in March 1975 af- self, expecting nothing in return, I work this program. By helping me to ter my third drunk-driving arrest. As hegan receiving. I started to feel good take direction and try t o practice a n alternative to doing six months or inside for the first time in my life. I these principles in all my affairs, he a year in the county jail, I made an began to develop a conscious contact has changed me. Today, I have a agreement to work a program that in- with a Higher Power and to feel a wife, a child, a home, and a good job. cluded two AA meetings a week for part of AA. As I grew in the program Hut more significant than those and fifteen months. Prior to this time, I iind persisted in trying to give it away, the material progress I have made is had said that, l was an alcoholic and I discovered that my purpose in life the sense of well-being that comes had wanted to drink myself illto a wit\ to bc an active rnenlber of Alco- with contintla1 involvement in Alcocoma, because my life had no mean- Ilolics Anonynious. holics Anonynious, for this is where I ing. After signing that stipulation in Today, I still hclicvc this is 111y true find true happiness and this is wherc court, 1 felt I had made a mistake. purpose, because 111y happiest days God allows me to feel I’m living a Deep inside, I knew that thirteen days are those when I’ni busy in AA. I be- useful life. without liquor was my record, and it lieve this for another reason: what P. I.:, Creur Bend, Kuns.

July 1984

In this section, an inside AA and h b feelings of shame about myself. It outside sponsor share the rewards was at this first meeting in prison that I picked up the AA pamphlet “It Sure of their correspondence Beats Sitting in a Cell.” At that time, writing to an AA in my home area . was impossible – they knew me. Following a suggestion in that pamphlet, I wrote to GSO (the AA General Service Office) for assistance in finding someone to correspond with. This little action step resulted in a new method of communications for me, not only in AA, but in several other areas also. Have you ever had a self-appointed (I appointed him) sponsor via mail? For more than a year, I have had regular correspon-

Sobriety is an Inside Job dence with an AA in New Jersey. This is a man 1 have no photo of and have never talked to or seen, but I do know him. The letters are another

B EING INCARCERATED for the past eighteen months in the Texas Department of Corrections has simply a stroke of bad luck. Only two months later, it was followed by involuntary manslaughter and failure made my first meeting here without a AA meeting, and the meetings in pass. When asked, 1 found myself prison are limited. For me, they are a ready to speak at the first prison very special kind of meeting, one that given me the sober opportunity to re- to stop and render aid. Then came a meeting to a group of men whom I can be filed away for future reading alize, examine, and begin todeal with subsequent DWI, and here I am. had never met before. This helped to and reminder, a cassette on paper. some of my many character defects. I There were a few short dry periods open the con~municationslines. An- The help received in the form of sugam an alcoholic. With the help of the during the two years before coming other thing I realized was that from gestions based on AA experience, AA program and a renewed faith in to prison. These were directly related positive action, some good results answers to various questions, some my Higher Power, I have experienced to my attendance at AA meetings. would occur. The fear that creates so AA literature, encouragement and some amazing results and changes in Today, 1 have no resentments against many undesirable character defects thanks, and just plain honest fellowmy life. This required several action anyone and no one to blame. 1 put me had to be overcome, and it was up to ship has had a dramatic effect on my steps on my part. Fear had previously where I am today. nle and only me to do this. life. This has happened in ways too kept me from this. Shortly after coming to this unit, I Iking shy, because of fear, has numerous to list, but I will be forever For the biggest part of the last was put to a real test for an alcoholic. been one of my worst defects of char- grateful to my Higher Power and AA twenty-eight years, I drank excessive- Somehow, I managed to refuse that acter. Mail call in the joint is the high- as a whole. ly almost daily. It appeared to be a first drink of “chalk” offered to me light of the day for most men in here. Writing is a very effective way to natural way of life. My first arrest for – but it did smell good. Remember- Thedesire to write to an A A member, vent and/or express my thoughts, any reason was for DWI on my forty- ing the advice of an old friend in AA, whom I could communicate with ideas, joys, and frustrations stemthird birthday. At that time, this was I conned my way past an officer and effectively, was there, but so were the ming from the negative atmosphere

have a few regular “free world” guest bad or beautiful; it is my choice. speakers. One of these men made a School or work, study or sleep, speak statement that really stuck with me. or remain silent – these are just a few He said, “AA is more than just two of the choices I have today. Alcohol I letters designating Alcoholics Anony- had taken away the freedom of mous. I t stands for Absolute Ab- choice and much more a long time stinence and Attitude Adjustment. before I came to prison. The realiza- The alcoholic must undergo an atti- tion of my imprisonment by alcohol tude adjustment.” This made one was snuffed out by the substance hell of an impression on my mind. itself. The lost art of listening and hearing I have not become institutionalwas being returned, and I could com- ized, and I am looking forward to my prehend things again. With effort on release. I was insane and fully admy part, I have managed to experi- mitted that in Step Two. This may ence a lot of change in attitude, and come as a shock to some, but I fully all for the better. Once again, I have believe that this trip to prison is a my Higher Power and AA to be blessing for me. Hitting bottom is grateful to. hard, but 1 have the sober oppor- Prison life is not a piece of cake. It tunity to move ahead in the right diwould be easy to dwell on the nega- rection; it could have been much tive aspects in a very negative atmo- worse. I will be forever grateful to most inmates live in. Some of the old With the help of AA and a lot of sphere. Today, I have a choice, or God, the AA program, and the . fear remains, but I’m working on meditation, I began to realize how should I say many choices. No longer people in it for what has been so that. Today, I have enough faith to mentally deranged I had become. is this a life of fear, self-pity, despair, freely and generously given to me. attempt writing – so if you haven’t That was tough to swallow, but loneliness, and hate. Today can be Thanks! tried it, don’t knock it! thanks to this program, I accepted it. L. P., Huntsville, Tex. Among my many character de- Experiencing humility today is a fects, the refusal to ask for help cherished gift and a far cry from my probably ranked number two (fear original idea. being the worst). The self-inflated After several months in prison, my ego, coupled with fear, gave me a good false reason to get drunk many times. Shortly after coming to prison, attitude toward people, places, things, and ideas was still very poor a lot of times. I hid this as best I could. AA and Prison I A L W A Y S IGNORED those announcements in AA meetings or the requests in the newsletter Box I learned that there were some things The AA program was getting into a 4-5-9 for AAs to write to AA mem- I would have to ask for, without drinking booze, in order to make life lot of areas of my life – what a revelation! Now another action step was Sponsor’ bers in prisons. After all, I had gone to prison meetings on and off for here reasonably comfortable. The big ego had made me want to be independent in aU matters. Ego deflation required, because I had become more conscious of yet another character by-Mail eighteen years and thus was already carrying the message “inside the defect after these few months of walls.” Letter writing was better left proved to be a strenuous task. Humil- youthful sobriety. to stay-at-home AAs and GSO staff ity meant shame and degradation. Our prison group is fortunate to members who are paid to write let-

ters, 1 had neither the time nor the tion for involuntary manslaughter. gave a lead on a Tradition a week in 1985. We have a date to meet at the desire to write some inmate I’d never In my first letter to Leo, I told him his group. Of the outside AAs who International AA Convention in met or seen. something about myself: that I had come to prison AA meetings he said, Montreal, Canada. And if he’s not A couple of years ago, my com- paid off a drunk-driving charge and “The free-world speakers who come out then – we’ll send him the propany transferred me from the Mid- had tried to stab my first wife once in to share and speak to our groups gram! We sent him a “Twelve and west to the East Coast. 1 was moved when we were both drunk; that I was are a welcome bunch in here. 1 don’t Twelve,” Grapevines, and AA pamaway from all my AA friends and now married to a fellow AA; that our think they fully realize how much phlets. His folks got him a Grapevine even the prison meetings I liked to go son was in AA; and that 1 had at- their visits mean to most of us.” subscription. On his first anniversary My wife and I sent Leo the flyers in AA, we sent him a card and a one- . to. Suddenly, I was lonely. I didn’t tended AA meetings in Stateville and like being among all these AA Joliet Prisons in Illinois. and programs of AA conventions we year medallion. “strangers” in meetings that were not The flow of our correspondence attended. He now wants to go to a On the second Christmas of our the same. was started. I reminisced about going convention when he gets out. He got friendship, I wrote on the card we My wife, who is also an AA mem- to Christmas meetings in the AA a turndown on his first parole hear- sent: “We can’t give each other ber, and I started doing all the things meeting room in the laundry base- ing, but that’s not unusual. With his material gifts at Christmas, but 1 was to get outside ourselves that we had ment at Stateville. They had a time credits and his good perfor- thinking of the gifts you have given learned in AA. We worked with new- “Charlie Brown” Christmas tree mance, he just might be out by July me which I count as my special comers and got involved in area ser- with handmade ornaments and vice activities. Then, someone sug- “presents” that were empty boxes in gested that 1 write to an AA member Christmas wrappings. Several inon the inside. I said yes, for the good mates spoke of the gifts they had old AA selfish reason: I thought it received – gifts of the spirit – and would help me. they taught me the true joy of Christ- A week later, I got a letter that was mas. The inmates helped me more the beginning of one of the most ful- than I helped them. filling experiences I have had in all I began to open up about problems my years in AA. I never dreamed that in my life: trying to quit smoking, corresponding with a fellow AA impending hernia surgery, trouble member would add to my life and the with my boss, worries about our lives of others as it has. son’s marital problems. I apologized Today, I have a friend whom I’ve for “dumping on him” (old-timers never seen face-to-face or talked to in are supposed to be perfect, with no person. If he came into the room defects or problems). Leo’s responses now, I wouldn’t recognize him; yet 1 were encouragement and good AA know him better than some people I philosophy that helped me to face my see in my home group every week. own life. His name is Leo.* He is in prison for Leo got into service work. Elected a “driving while intoxicated” convic- secretary of his prison group, he got tion, which revoked a ten-year proba- interested in the Traditions. Not owning a Twelve SIeps and Twelve *The first names used in this article have been Traditions, he borrowed a copy, changed in accordance with Grapevinecustom. hand-copied each Tradition, and

Christmas presents this year: (1) a asked for suggestions on taking the new friend; (2) a new AA experience Fourth Step and wished us a happy, man who has been sober for about had plenty of good food and a warm – writing an AA; (3) joy of receiving sober holiday season. eighteen years, and he’s still “trim- place to sleep. I may be screwed up your letters; (4) sharing our problems Leo comments: ming the Steps.” It dawned on me about some things, but 1 have learned and joys; (5) watching you grow in In an early letter, Ned wrote: “If that this was what he’d said in the to be grateful for what I have. AA; (6) taking my inventory – in you’re having trouble with the Fourth first place, a few months earlier. P.S. Maybe I will write to that trying to help you; (7) delighting in Step – guilt trips on a grocery list of Ned comments: oldest boy! After all, my daughter-inyour AA service work; (8) rejoicing in failures – review your acceptance 1 mentioned the sign on the school law wrote to me just before Thanksyour achievements in work and and understanding of the first three and chapel building in the Old Joliet giving. school; (9) enjoying your positive Steps. Inventory your admission of Prison that reads “Make time serve Ned comments: attitudes, that you are happy, living powerlessness and unmanageability. you.” I told about the men there get- I could not keep from choking up in the now; (10) 1 can tell you my Have you come to believe that you ting college degrees while doing time. as I read that letter. He was teaching problems, and you help me; (I 1) you can be restored? Have you made a de- I asked about his relationship with his us: humility, gratitude, and joy of have taught me new perspectives, to cision to turn over your life and will two sons and what he did besides play living. erase self-pity and have concern for to God? Remember the four para- dominoes. The correspondence has touched the others; (12) you have added to my joy doxes of AA: (1) You have to get sick Leo: lives of more than two people. Ned of living, which 1 have shared with to get well; (2) you have to surrender Your mention of “Let time serve tells us: my friends. to win; (3) you have to die to be born; you” got me to thinking and to Leo’s answer to my first letter ar- “Thank you for making 1983 and (4) you have to give it away to keep change some things – my domino rived like a special present just before this Christmas extra special with your it.” games, gambling. A couple days after Christmas. I took it home and read it letters and yourself.” Those four paradoxes impressed Christmas, I quit gambling. I am aloud to my wife. I loaned it to an AA N . A., Wenonah, N .J. me because they were presented in a devoting more time to AA reading newcomer I am sponsoring who had neat, orderly group. But I missed the and daily prayer. Time is a precious his license suspended for ten years. main message. gift, and I have abused it to a great Leo came into our group just as much The next couple of letters men- extent in the past. as if he’d arrived in person. The paragraphs that follow are You sure struck home with a state- As our correspondence developed, excerptsfrom actual correspondence, tioned how an inventory of the First Step helped a man Ned was spon- ment and a question. “I assume your I continued to share it with others. along with some comments by both sons are with your first wife. Do you Leo got a new pen pal, Joe, an AA Leo and Ned. soring. Then he wrote: “The more we corresporld, the more 1 know that keep track of their activities?” (I) who had done thirteen years in you’re still working the First Step. I You assumed correctly, and (2) no. prison. work it every day. I figure that Probably, this is my biggest hang-up Leo (some time larer): Ned comments: working the Steps is like mowing with going on with Steps Four, Five, I shared copies of our prospective In that first letter, Leo wrote of his grass. We go over each of the Steps Six, and Nine. There are some resent- Grapevine articles with a new man three marriages and his two sons, his and trim a little off each one. I f ments toward their mother and them here and also your last letter, knowdrinking and DWls; that he had gone you want your lawn to look nice, – mostly my fault – that I have to ing that you would not mind. This to AA and stayed dry five months on you have to mow over the Steps regu- shed. I have mixed emotions like guy has never been to a meeting on the outside and quit going to meet- larly.” shame, sorrow, guilt. I do believe I the outside. I want to help show him ings. He talked of the AA meetings in That statement opened a door for will begin to learn about the things I that there are people out there who do prison and the difference they made me. It had been beneath my dignity to hear about in AA like honesty and care, and that you will find these new in his life there, that he was staying accept the possibility of overlooking humility. friends no matter where you go. away from the prison booze. He something. Then it hit me: Here is a 1 had as nice.a holiday season as Those of us in here need help. Failure one can expect in prison. At least, 1 to accept that fully put me here.

Thank God I have some AA expe- I would not have regained my faith in’ law. 1 was really surprised about his Since my incarceration, I have rience. This young man is lost, and God as I understand him – not in feelings toward me. Last, but not realized that there is a whole new life usually very depressed. But thus far, this negative atmosphere. There is so least, I am grateful for guys like Joe and world around me – one that was with a lot of encouragement, he is still much negative thinking, fear, and and you who care and take the time to there during my entire drinking in AA. Glad I have two broad shoul- hatred in here, it is easy to go down correspond with a convict. career but was not visible through a ders, also. the wrong path. Thank God for AA Leo (in a later letter, bringing that whiskey bottle. The accumulation of Ned comments: and the people in it. news up to date): good things that have happened and Leo applied for school. He’s an A lot of good things have been Things in the joint are going great things 1 have learned since coming electronics technician; put in twenty- happening. All of a sudden, I just – well, maybe just real fine. A few here is a miracle in itself. For the first three years with a major corporation seemed to become aware of how for- weeks ago, I got promoted from a time in my life, 1 am beginning to in a job he drank himself out of. tunate I am. It is like beginning to fourth-class to a third-class trusty by understand the truee meaning of Now, he’s a trusty, working in his really live a new life in a new world. I the warden. Then, 1 was called to words such as friendship, love, hutrade in the Department of Correc- guess this is part of the promises in appear before the Board of Certifi- mility, serenity, and gratitude. The tions, making field trips to other the Big Book or a spiritual awakening cations, and they promoted me to ability to be grateful stands out above prisons at times. He didn’t hold much or a combination. state-approved trusty class two. This the others; it is new to me, a natural hope for being admitted to the college First, I was accepted into the full- helps obtain furloughs and parole. high. program. Then his letter came. . . . time college program, against almost College grades are holding at a The end result of all of this is sobri- Leo: insurmountable odds. I was the only straight A average except for one B. ety, which is and will continue to be I just gotta say it – this AA thing is one chosen from the construction I’m not doing any of this alone – my my number one priority. Additional great! I honestly believe that it took group. Second, the people who suc- Higher Power is giving me more than results accumulated slowly but surethis prison sentence for me to hit my cessfully complete their schoolwork my share of blessings. ly; then, rather suddenly, . these bottom and begin to come to my earn good time on a three-for-one Life in here is better than anything actually amounted to the spiritual senses in a small way. 1 believe that basis. I can get eighteen months’ I expected to find, but this is the awakening I had been looking for. . right now I am probably the happiest time-served credit for six months of result of the AA program, its There is a Power much greater than old con in the joint, and I owe it all to studies. Third, I got a real nice letter members, and a desire to practice the myself behind all ofqthis; I could not AA and my HP. If it weren’t for AA, from my oldest son and daughter-in- Twelve Steps. do it alone.

my senior citizen friend had once sor. I went to see her in the hospital. mentioned. When I got home, I It was clear she was very ill, but every called her and asked her if she was in visit was wonderful. Her grand arro- AA. T o say she was surprised by the gance and spunk were there despite call and the question is an under- her pain and illness. When I told her 1 statement. There was a pause on the was in AA, she took the news without other end of the line. Then, she a sign of surprise. She just welcomed answered yes. I told her I thought I me. had a drinking problem, and she The last time I saw her turned out asked me to a meeting that night. to be the afternoon before she died. I That woman is now my sponsor. knew from her breathing that the end When she took me to the meeting and was coming. Mentally, she was alert, I listened to the leader and the sharing but she slept a great deal. She roused around the table, I knew I was in the herself to try to talk to me but right place. I’ve been in that group couldn’t, so she asked me for a paper ever since. And I go to the same meet- and pencil. 1 gave them to her. With ings in my hometown that had meant shaking hands, she wrote out for me, so much to my first AA friend. “The Lord works in mysterious I saw her again for three visits after ways.” That, 1 could really agree with I came into the Fellowship. Her and be thankful for – because it was health had taken a big downturn, and through the Higher Power that this she had been in the hospital for alcoholic had been twelfth-stepped several weeks when 1 called the without ever guessing what was hapmutual friend who became my spon- pening. C.M.,Pelhatn, N. Y.

December

the Judge

by in which I did not receive a letter Frenchy agreed to the terms, and I from some person who lived in took him to ninety meetings in ninety another part of the country but had days. It was doing me a lot of good to been escorted to a series of meetings make so many meetings, but it was from jail while doing time here. In obvious that Frenchy was angry and

T HERE HAS been a good deal of argument, pro and con, relative to the sentencing of people convicted each letter was the word that the resentful. Since he was a good prisonoffender had not been able to forget er, he made trusty status immediately what he had heard at the meetings, and so was ready for release in ninety ‘

of alcohol-related offenses to attend that he had joined a group in his own days. He was released and disap meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. area, and that he was now sober and peared. I have retired after twenty years on thankful to AA. Almost two years later, I received a the bench and have used this method The person I remember best was a letter from Frenchy. In the letter, he of trying to salvage at least some of fellow we all called Frenchy. He was said, “Dear Judge: You s.o.b., you the offenders that I have sentenced. I from Quebec and spoke English with ruined my drinking. For several am a member of AA and have been a decided accent. He hit the court one months after my release, 1 kept trying for many years. morning charged with driving while to drink but couldn’t enjoy it for One of the prosecutors who prac- mediately began to accept the pro- intoxicated, pleaded guilty, paid a remembering what I’d heard at your ticed before me was also a member of gram and attended meetings on a reg- fine, and left. Next morning, here damn meeetings. I finally decided to long standing, as was the most promi- ular basis after the court commitment was Frenchy again. Same charge and quit fighting and joined AA on my nent defense attorney we had. Fur- was over. Fortunately, since ours is a again a plea of guilty; ten days and own. Just thought I’d let you know ther, 1 had an arrangement with the small city, it was possible for me to the fine doubled. He did the time, that I celebrated one year sobriety sheriff that allowed me to take any follow up on a good many of them. paid the fine, and was released. yesterday.” incarcerated person sentenced for an At a meeting that both the prosecutor The morning after his release, here I can’t play God and make a decialcohol-related crime to AA meetings and I attended a few months ago, out was Frenchy again. Same charge and sion as to who will and who won’t with me if 1 would assume responsi- of the thirty-two people present, same plea. 1 gave Frenchy six months accept any of the message; but in the bility for getting the person back eighteen had been steered to AA by at hard labor but added to the sen- period of over thirteen years that I enfrom meetings. the court, had from a few days to sev- tence a provision that if he would forced attendance of AA, the mes- In most instances, those people eral years of continuous sobriety, and accompany me to an AA meeting sage surely poured into some not-sowho were coerced into going to meet- were no longer in the merry-go-round every time 1 came for him, the sheriff eager ears, and some of them began ings were angry and resentful, at least of the court system. could give him two days for one to listen. at first. However, some of them im- In addition, a month seldom went as trusty, if he made trusty status. C. M.,Arizona

February 1985

work in AA will be in correctional in- started to attend meetings in the stitutions!” prison every week. My reflex answer was: “The hell Working in correctional instituyou say!” It was the last thing I tions has helped me in a number of wanted to do. I liked jails and prisons ways – all of them spiritual (an area even less than mental hospitals. in which 1 needed, and still need, a But I had learned to do what I was great deal of help). One of my told in AA, and this sounded a lot principal character defects has always like my Higher Power telling me what been lying, or stretching the truth. a

to do. It certainly wasn’t my idea. So Before writing down my Fourth Step, I went to the warden of the local I had to take it aloud in front of a workhouse and arranged with him to mirror in order to curb this tendency. set up a meeting there. One of the Anyone who has worked for any conditions he made was that I be per- length of time in a correctional instisonally responsible for every meeting tution group will tell you that you – which meant I had to be there can’t lie to the inmates! In the first tivery week. place, you feel a moral obligation to A short time later, I was scheduled be honest with them, and that helps. to speak at the state prison. At that But the real truth is, they can spot a point, I had been fingerprinted and phony every time, and they can ask cleared as part of a very limited list of some very searching questions. I have eligible speakers. The night I was due, learned a lot about myself by having I felt like calling someone else on the to answer their questions honestly. I F OR A LITTLE more than a quarter of a century, I have been attending AA meetings in correction- But I didn’t like it. I got a nasty feeling in my spine every time that door or gate clanged or clicked shut list and offering to swap dates. I was dog-tired and felt as if I was coming down with a cold, and there was a found that I had to look at myself in a new light – a much brighter one than I had been accustomed to using. I was al institutions on a weekly basis. The behind me. The only time it felt good fight I wanted to watch on TV. But I often uncomfortable, but 1 always majority of those meetings were even- was when 1 left. 1 also thought that went anyway, mentally kicking benefited. ly divided between a county work- those on the inside couldn’t identify myself for having gotten involved in In addition, I have an ego problem. house and a maximum security state with my white-collar drinking story, the first place, and oozing resentment This can play havoc with an AA prison, which gave me two such rough as it was. I had never done all the way to the meeting. member like me, since I am articulate meetings per week over most of that time, and I felt that they looked on I can’t tell you what I said that and, as a result, have been a speaker time. me as some sort of snobbish do- night or what took place during the on the “convention circuit.” Don’t Why? gooder . discussion that followed. All I re- let anyone tell you that it isn’t an ego In the first place, it wasn’t exactly Then one evening, after about four member is that I left that meeting trip when you are met at the airport, my idea. When I started to become years in the program, I was driving feeling like a million dollars. My in- driven to a fancy hotel where you get active in AA, my sponsor told me to home from a meeting at a state cipient cold had vanished. I was no a deluxe room and VIP treatment, do whatever was suggested and ask mental hospital and thanking my longer tired. I had forgotten about and then get up to speak to an audiquestions afterward. So when I was Higher Power that that was over, the TV fight. The next day, I called ence of anywhere from several asked to speak at a jail or in the state when a voice spoke to me clearly, say- the group sponsor and asked if he hundred to a thousand or more. prison, I did. ing: “From now on, your principal needed help. He did. From then on, I It always serves to bring me back to

earth when, the following Tuesday, I viduals whom I have heard many, find myself back with my small group many times. I could tell you their deof inmates. Other people are doing tailed case histories – in some cases, the speaking, and I realize that I am almost word for word. But when they there only because I am a drunk who speak in that room in the prison, I do is staying sober one day at a time, and not listen to them with my own ears. I that my constant presence at meetings listen with the ears of the new memis merely a small, but a continuing, ber! In this way, my old friends indication that the program of AA sound fresh and inspiring each time works. they speak, and I find myself discov- Periodically, newcomers or non- ering things 1 had never heard before AAs ask me, in all innocence, “But in their talks. don’t you get bored going to meetings I have only one serious problem after thirty years?” with correctional institution meet- I tell them no, but I seldom bother ings. What can I possibly do to give to explain one of the reasons for my my friends the inmates one-tenth of lack of boredom. In my prison the help that they have given me over group, there are always new mem- the years, and still keep giving me bers. The speakers are often indi- every week? Anonymous. Metuchen. N.J.

July 1985

could impress the parole board and

AA AND win an early release. Well, that didn’t work. When I made my appearance before them they “hit” me. They extended my sentence; the state was going to get every day from me that

PRISON they could legally claim under this sentence. Then something strange happened; now that AA had no chance of winning me an early release date, I kept on attending. Somewhere, somehow, something was said in one of those meetings that gave me something I Four AAs write about the Fellowship ”inside,” had never had before. Today I can and a nonalcoholic trustee sounds a call to action name that something; it is called hope! I heard people come in from outside and speak; people who had A Thing Called Hope been as bad off as I was, and others who had not gotten that bad yet. Some had even been in prison before, but they all spoke of being happy I AM AN INCARCERATEDalcoholic. was the dead of winter, and not hav- I am only thirty-one years of age, ing friends or any relatives, I made but have been drinking for nineteen my home(s) between the benches at could even think I was. Needless to say, without that first step I never sobered up. I bring this up so that you today. I could tell that they weren’t lying because you could see the happiness all over their faces. I decided .

of them. I also began to use drugs the Astor Place and Broad Street realize that I had been led to the that I wanted what they had, and beshortly after my first drink; however, subway stations in New York City. water, but would not drink of it. came more involved. I began to read my preference was always alcohol. Whenever a cop would wake me at Each time I wound up in jail, it was the Big Book, the “Twelve and Even when 1 was using another drug, one and send me on my way, I would usually for about ninety days. I Twelve,” As Rill Sees It, and Alcothere was always alcohol involved. head to my other home. would get out and head straight to the holics Anonymous Comes of Age. This part of my story is no different For approximately the last ten liquor store – my freedom was al- And today I anxiously await each from hundreds of others that I’m years of my drinking, everyone ways short-lived. I cannot remember month’s Grapevine – I have even sure you have heard. I went through around me saw my trouble – the ever getting out and not thinking that managed to get about two hundred many short-lived jobs, and was social workers at welfare, the judges I would come back again. It was only back issues that have become my kicked out of the worst of flophouses (I’ve been arrested seventy-two a question of how long this time. favorite reading. Quite often when I because of my drinking behavior. At times), the probation officers. They In the last five years I had come to am reading them my’eyes fill up with one point I chose not to continue to referred me to various treatment pro- believe that my life was cursed. 1tried tears, for I feel that newfound hope pay the rent on my furnished room grams, which in turn all used Mas a to kill myself six times (I couldn’t deep inside. Today, I have a responsi- (paid by welfare check) because I supportive tool in their treatment. even d o that right). ble job here in the prison, as a peer could keep that much more money to However, “I was not an alcoholic” When I got to this prison, I began counselor in the prerelease center. I drink with. This was insanity, as it and resented the very fact that they going to the AA meetings so that I have gotten an outside sponsor who

comes in once a week to visit me, and even in a place like this, then I want true – we still have homemade brew progress. I used to be so shy I could he has been helping me to work the more of it when I get out. I have al- available once in a while. not talk to more than two people at a Steps. Through putting those Steps ready chosen my first AA meeting Not only do we try to stay sober in time, but taking on the responsibility into my life, 1 have become an honest not too far from this prison. I know here, but we welcome newcomers of chairing the meeting has opened person whom people are not afraid to that now I must do as so meny others who are starting to feel their drinking me up a great deal. Now, I undertrust or depend on. I have even been before me have so unselfishly done, is becoming unmanageable. When I stand that with my God and AA I will elected chairman of our small meet- and give away what was given so free- feel I’m getting through to another be able to achieve sobriety on release ing in here. ly to me. alcoholic, I have a great sense of self- day, from both prisons. As of this writing, I have sixty-six I would like to extend my heartfelt D. R., Alberta days left until my sentence is com- thanks to all those wonderful AAs plete and I will be released. Today, I who took the time out to come into do not even think how long it will be this prison, which houses those debefore I come back next time. Never clared unfit to be a part of society by before have I gotten out without that the courts, so that we could receive ‘Let It Begin thought. the message that they had to share If the program can give me a sense with us. of hope, an actual sense of serenity, W H., Bedford Hills, N.Y; with Me’ by W. Jim Estelle Jr.

A longtime correctional administrator and current AA trustee reminds us all of our primary purpose A Tale of Tho Prisons ivi Y NAIAE IS Jim Estelle and I’m a grateful nonalcoholic. The fact that you all have let me share come to you to hear those stories. I have some very strong and deep feelings about these people. Lurking in your joy in sobriety for some twenty the background of the illness of alcoor twenty-five years has allowed me holism, which you all have .found a to survive in what has become in- way to.contro1, are a lot of other tracreasingly hazardous work.’ It got so gic and traumatic results. One of the hazardous last January that I decided principal results is the incidence of W HEN 1 FINALLY realized 1 was living in a prison outside of jail, it was too late – I was on the instealing for my next drink day after day. I’ve been around AA for the past to retire from it. I have thirty-two years of experience in corrections and very little expertise. If there were any crime that has alcoholism as its base. Some of you are familiar with that side effect, either directly or indirectside looking out. I’m twenty-one, five years now. I’m chairman of our experts in the business of corrections, ly. And every one of us is involved serving a fifteen-month sentence, and AA group in the institution, and I’m I’d have had to go to work for a living indirectly with the side effect of awaiting more charges. My drinking very proud to help other alcoholics about twenty-five years ago. crime, if for no other reason than the took me from heaven to hell. I was achieve sobriety. I can understand I want to encourage you all to tell amount of money it costs us as citiimprisoned though I was outside of some pewle thinking that we can’t your stories in a very special place to zens and taxpayers. If we could find a jail, because of the pain I felt from drink in here anyway, but that’s not some very special people who can’t way to give away to the convicted fel-

We couldn’t quite find the way. Well, found – sobriety. You may not some judge found a way, and he know it yet, but some of you have doesn’t have the same constraints some pretty subtle ways of motivatthat we do. He’s not bound by the ing and encouraging and enlightening Traditions. He’s not bound by the those people. Steps. But he knows this person needs Then there are a few of them who help and he knows you’ve got it, and aren’t going to get the message, and if you won’t come to his sick alco- you and I both know it – they’re on holic, he is sure going to keep sending their way to prison in spite of all we his sick alcoholics to you. might do for them, or to them, or I think it’s high time we AAs quit with them. Well, that seems to be complaining about the people who what it takes for some of us to learn. I are coming for the message of sobri- had to spend thirty-two years of my ety, no matter what their motivation life “in prisons,” so to speak, before or lack of it is, and start sharing what I learned I was working on the wrong we’ve got to share with those folks. end of the problem – after the fact. We can stop a lot of these still suffer- AA members can work on it before ing alcoholics right then and there if the fact. They’re in prison and they’re we’ll just begin to share the way you going to be back with you they’re have shared with your friends and going to be back in the community. neighbors and the alcoholics whom You’ve got to bridge the gap with ons in the United States what you in incidence of crime, by the way. You you’ve twelfth-stepped. But we need them. You need to work with them AA have found, we would have all have heard and used the phrase “I to share with all of them, no matter when they’re on parole, but there’s so about 350,000 productive citizens am responsible”? Well, we are collec- how they come to the groups – share much that can be done in view of the more than we have today. tively and individually responsible for with them the same way someone emphasis that’s being placed on Crime is a lot like the weather. We our failure to give away the treasure shared with you. Some of them are DWIs in today’s world and with the all like to talk about it, but nobody of the Fellowship – sobriety. Com- going to have to go to jail, but we numbers of them going to detox cenknows what to do about it. You all do pounding that felony, we have not have the potential of reducing the ters and with the numbers of them know what to d o about it, though. I insisted that we each have enough dis- number significantly. still going to drunk tanks and spendsaid there’s no expertise in the field of cipline to carry the message to one If you wonder where, all the ing thirty and sixty and ninety days in corrections – well, there are two person who’s ended up in trouble be- twelfth-stepping has gone, you don’t jail. There are so many who could be areas of expertise that we have not yet cause of the illness of alcoholism. have to look farther than your friend- stopped from going any further. tapped. One is a Higher Power, and And you let me, as a professional cor- ly corner jail. Suffering alcoholics are What a spinoff. What several spinthe second is the Fellowship of Alco- rectional administrator, ignore the gathered there like quail under a piece offs we could get from our response. holics Anonymous. We in the disci- message. of brush in the rain – waiting for How do we do it? Well, your Genpline of corrections have not had You’ve all heard references to the you. You don’t have to go look for eral Service Conference approved a the good sense to tap those two re- court-ordered members of AA – “a them. You don’t have to wait for that workbook for correctional commitsources – those two potentials for pain in the butt.” I hear that too lonely call at three in the morning. tees. Some of you have more experigood – any more than we have. And many times. How often have all of us Your jails are full of them, and ence and more insight into the Fel- ‘ you let us get away with it. That’s wished that we could get the message they’re waiting for someone just like lowship and its relation to crime and your contribution to the rising to somebody who needed it so much? you; and all they want is what you’ve its relation to institutions than the

workbook has. But there are a lot of something in their prison that works. ven. I started stealing beer and wine 1979, when she found Al-Anon. God our members out there who would They haven’t got it today and I’ve from my dad and my older brothers. love her heart. She finally found like to get involved and have never been telling them that for the last ten Later, 1 stole it from the neighbors some peace of mind and a life of her been involved for whom this work- years of my career. You have some- while they were at work, when 1 was own away from my problem. I think book will serve well. The Confer- thing that works! Twelfth-stepping supposed to be in school. At thirteen, it’s the best favor she ever did for me. ence told us, “Get it on press and get with people in serious trouble adds a I was placed in juvenile hall for I’ll never know how she is still willing it out to the folks who want it and totally new dimension to your service habitual delinquency. I have spent to love me. Today, life is pretty simneed it.” in this Fellowship. Those of you who my life in and out of institutions. I ple – prison takes all responsibilities It wouldn’t hurt any of us to be have experienced this know what I’m drank every chance I got, and was from you. I know 1 have a long way seen in the company of a sheriff, or talking about. Those of you who very irritated if people said anything to go, but thank God I have hope, a jailer, or a warden – not in the haven’t experienced this special kind about my drinking. Booze was the through the Steps of Alcoholics shape you’re all in today. It wouldn’t of twelfth-stepping are denying your- answer to everything, and it was my Anonymous. hurt you a bit, and it would help their selves one of the great satisfying ser- best friend. My life had been based The drunk world and the sober image – 1 guarantee you it would vice experiences available to us all. on alcohol for as long as 1 could re- world are very different. It will take help their image immensely if they I mentioned the phrase “I am re- member. I couldn’t picture life with- time and practice to learn how to live. were seen in your company. We have sponsible.” There’s one more phrase out it, until I made contact with AA. Thanks, Alcoholics Anonymous and something they need. They need I like that goes hand in glove with re- 1’11 never forget how difficult it was, Al-Anon, for my life and the lives of something in their jail; they need sponsibility: “Let it begin with me.” but I not sober. my loved ones. It would take more In i970, I met a true Al-Anon. She than a lifetime to repay the debt I owe kept me out of trouble as well as she you. could. We fought about booze until C.A., Huntsville, Tex.

Learning How to Live ‘I Never Wanted to. .,. 9

I AM AN ALCOHOLIC, a convict, and a human being. I am powerless over all three and have to give them to place; I feared not being able to measure up. Self-centered in my way, I wanted to do nothing except what my God daily. I never understood pleased me. My life was devoted to a much about being human, about how we make mistakes. I had the strange idea that whatever I tried to do had to search for pleasure. I set out to prove that I could win, but wound up an alltime loser – today I’m serving time M Y NAME IS R -, and I am thirty-three years old. I am incarcerated for a one-to-three-year swore the day 1left that 1 would never return to prison. Seventeen years later, I’m sitting in one again. And .be perfect. for armed robbery. [Note: Since this term, because I forgot that I can’t why? The answer is alcoholism. My alcoholism started early in life, article was written C. A. has been drink. I am one of many who suffers from which didn’t help me understand hu- released and is active and sober in In 1967, I walked out of Coxsackie, the problem of periodic drinking. man failings. I had a shallow concept AA.] after doing twenty months of a three- Also, 1 don’t know how t o handle of the world around me. 1 felt out of My first arrest was at the age of ele- year term for being in a stolen car. I anger. After a period of two to eight

months, I drink and become a differ- ing about what is bothering me. ent man. My anger comes out, and I I did not know that after I took wind up in jail, wondering how I that first drink, it did my thinking for ,couldhave let myself d o it again. me. I never wanted to stay in a bar All of us know that we can handle until it closed; I never wanted to hit one drink, right? Wrong. You see, I my wife, but I did. We all think we had been able to run my life pretty can handle it, but as soon as we let alwell when I was sober, but when I cohol in our brains, we are not ourdrank, I could not tell what I would selves anymore. do. At first, no one could tell me that It’s insane; it is alcoholism. The I couldn’t drink. But when I started answer is not to take the first drink. getting into trouble (family, friends, How? For me, it is having a sponsor business), I had to take a look at it. whom I trust with anything I tell him. And I kept looking until I drank, and Being open and honest about everybecame insane. I drank because I for- thing helps me know who I am, and got, or didn’t care who or what I was. who I am not. I had to lose my busi- The morning after, I did care. I never ness, home, family, children, and went to a sponsor and told him, be- now my freedom, before I finally fore I drank, what was bothering me. gave up and learned that it is a good Now, because of AA and a sponsor, life. I was told for five years before I I’ve become an open, honest man. finally listened. You don’t have to The secret to my staying sober is talk- wait that long. Try it, it’s wonderful. R. B., South Plymouth, N.Y.

September 1985

Those attendance slips From Everett, Wash.: According to Tradition Three, To date, I’ve enjoyed over four “The only requirement for AA mem- years of sobriety, and I attribute it to bership is a desire to stop drinking.” the program and fellowship of AA Yet there is a growing movement that and the grace of God, one day at a is blatantly contradicting that Tradi- time. It saddens me to see the weltion. come once so freely given newcom- Certain groups are condonine ers, regardless of their motivation for vocal opposition during meetings to being there, take a back seat to sanctithe presence of anyone who needs to monious territoriality. have an attendance slip filled out. Granted, there are those who at- Some are even refusing to sign the at- tend meetings only to satisfy court tendance slips, and I realize that’s an commitments. Maybe even a majorindividual’s right. But I fail to see ity of “required attendees” fit into how one can equate the need to have this category. But 1 can cite numerous an attendance slip filled out with lack examples where mandated attenof a desire. Even if the desire is ab- dance was a prime factor in the forsent, by what authority are groups or mulation of a desire to quit drinking. individuals allowed to make that de- (Remember that AA cliche “Bring cision for another? the body and the mind will follow”?) I was one of those individuals who Once again, I find myself implorinitially had to have an attendance ing my fellows to remember from slip filled out, and if I’d had the kind whence we came and what our priof opposition that exists in this area mary purpose is. Certainly, it is not to today, it is hard to say whether I’d sit in judgment on others. have kept coming back. I sure ANONYMOUS wouldn’t have felt the sense of belonging I so desperately needed at that time.

July 1986 rather distracted by. . .yes, self-cen- in case of a breakout or riot by the tered fear. “What if there’s a mix-up violent prisoners. Finally, within the and I am left inside the prison? What building holding foreign nationals, if some inmates kidnap me? What if we spotted our man on the other side there’s a riot while we’re inside?” of the barred door. He came forth to I thought. greet us, smiling. I was stunned. Perhaps you too have been crip- Imagine, smiling in such a place. pled by the “what if’s.” But then, Behind him, a scene from the Inferno something from the Big Book came appeared – anarchy in an open cell to mind, something along the lines of block. People were everywhere, not hesitating to visit even the most doing everything. And there stood sordid place on earth if you can be of “Ken,” sober and happy. service. God would be there. During Once inside, we sat down at a

“B ring only your passport and 15,000 soles,” my friend had told me. “Nothing else. Don’t dle of construction. We arrived in Lurigancho, the “pueblo Joven” (literally, “young those few moments when my motives are truly good, and I am sure about God’s work, I always feel completely rough wooden table with three men, two Americans and one European. They secured some eggs, bread, and wear a belt. The guards at the prison town”; actually, “shantytown”) safe. (Conversely, it tells me how coffee for us from a vendor. The won’t let you wear it in and then where the prison taking its name insecure I often am during daily life.) prison has a thriving cash economy you’ll never see it again.” from the area stands up hard against “We’ll never get in if we have to get for food, medicine, clothing, bed- Such were my instructions the barren hills that vaguely suggest the on that line,” my friend exclaimed. ding, drugs, and alcohol as well. One night before our Twelfth Step call Andes beyond. Outside, a line of visi- So he led me on a ritual with different needs money to survive. Left to the upon several incarcerated alcoholics. tors a half-mile long had already guards, each of whom he addressed meager provisions of the authoriwith great respect. One laughed and ties, one can suffer illness and malturned his back, another sent us to nutrition.

New Life in Lurigancho I v I I the back of the line. Undeterred, we approached a third, showing our documents: a letter of authorization from some official; my missionary visa from another country; a church “We’ve been sober for a week,” Ken and the other American told us. It seemed a most impressive accomplishment. The third man was also sober, but he did not say for how long. The three of them had that light. bulletin with my friend’s name on it. “A friend of Bill Wilson” was not in their eyes and joy on their faces useful status with theseguards, whose that we see in those who delight in Lima, Peru, is surrounded by grim, formed by 8:30 AM. Nasty-looking their sobriety. I had little to say, I was dusty barrios of adobe and straw huts brutality is such that the government guards strolled about, occasionally does not allow them within the prison so absorbed. Ken spoke of how “We that stretch on like a puzzle before abusing a vendor or visitor who had been reading the Bible recently, one’s unaccustomed eyes. From one wails. Inside, unarmed civilian crossed them. “Here, I am in guards do the work. and were at the section, in Mark I of the better parts of town we drove charge!” one yelled, as he pushed a The last guard relented and in we think, where it says something about through several of these bleak areas. woman selling juice out of his way. went, passing through three check- ‘when you visited those in prison, you The paved road ended and we trav- During the drive from the comfort- points and four locked doors. The visited me.”‘ His friend interrupted, eled over dirt roads seemingly aban- able house of my Peruvian hosts to nonviolent prisoners are kept in a “Well, actually it said, ‘when you doned ten years previously in the mid- this dusty scene of disorder, I was separate pavilion, heavily barricaded came unto me in prison,’ and there is

a big difference between ‘coming understood. Yet the sentiment was unto’ and just ‘visiting.’ ” clear. It was the sentiment, the con- sister’s wedding.. . I came to AA explain myself and save my life. That The citation may not have been sensus that fires every meeting: “We when I was about to die.. .nowhere afternoon, in a forty-five-minute right, and the quotation paraphrased, are alcoholics who want to live.” else to go.” Yawn. “Well,” I think, torrent of broken Spanish, I did just but never have those words been so Once, I did understand a man who “I am at a meeting. I should besaying that. Words, other times tired and alive for me. It was a moment when was shouting rhetorically, “We un- these things.” stale, had life. familiar words were suddenly fraught derstand the alcoholic. . . ” Isn’t that There are days when I look forlornly back on my past, and contemplate with a new and fuller meaning, a meaning beyond words. I was overthe basic message of every meeting? At my first meetings, I had a strong ccEvqmwtiqq, the “young man of promise” whose come with emotion, with gratitude, reaction to something foreign in the evay encounter with brilliant career I imagine to have been arbitrarily derailed by alcoholism. another member of with enlightenment. Our friends air. These people understood me! there in Lurigancho thought we had While I was drinking, friends, family, The great dreams have been drearily done them a favor, while I felt myself girlfriends had all offered advice, replaced by a colorless struggle not to to be quite the recipient. Familiar suggestions, pity, bewilderment, Alcoholics A n o n w w pick up the next drink. At the end of such days, I sadly conclude, “All I words were given new life. “We’ve been sober for a week.” vague and often misplaced hope, but they did not, they could not under- +o that bh&ed did today was not drink. . .” But then. Those words meant that a miracle stand. They were not recovering alcoholics. The words “we understand” opportunity to be it can grip me, “I did not drink!” And the words can come alive with had taken place. Yes, it is always a miracle, but during my first week of gave me another chance to live. with someam who the miles of meaning behind them. “I am sober! I am alive! And I almost sobriety I had endless meetings and new friends to help me. There was a Every meeting, every encounter with another member of Alcoholics uwndr-‘.’ died from drinking.” place I called home, encouragement Anonymous offers that blessed op- Last month, I endured an elevenfrom family and friends, and the portunity to be with someone who Several weeks in Quito had passed. hour truck ride, sitting on a plank, liberty to remove myself from dis- understands. And my presence an- I sat mutely through four meetings, along a dirt road down from the turbing influences. These three re- nounces that I want to live, rather and the only real encounters with Andean village I live in, t o the nearest covering alcoholics were holding on than die from drinking. On both other alcoholics were through the city, 9,000 feet below on the coast. in one of the worst prisons in the sides, I can grow complacent and mail. Desperate action was called for. The scenery lost its charm, and as we free world. forget the message behind the words. I waylaid a man after a meeting and stopped for the fifth time to strap the “We’ve been sober for a week.” My friend in Quito had to shout, conveyed my need to talk. We made a suspension springs togethb with rope The words told us, “Yes, we’re in a repeatedly, “we understand” for me date, met, and after pleasantries he and logs I could only think, “How hellhole, but we’re not drinking and to remember thankfully, “Yes, they asked “Porque te unistes Alcoholicos boring. How pointless.” Then I rewe’re happy about it.” Sometimes we do.” The words are at every meeting. Anonimos?” (Why did you join called the utter boredom of daily life just have to hear the words in a cer- Because someone understands, I do Alcoholics Anonymous?) back in the dark ages, and how I tain situation for the deeper signifi- not have to die. Because someone will Over a million AAs in 114 coun- drank to fend off life. Morosely I cance to hit us. Other times the words listen, I can live. tries reached out to me in that ques- consoled myself, “But I’m sober.” coming out of our own mouths mean I can tell my story though, or parts tion. Every meeting asks that ques- Then, great awareness of the miracle more given the circumstances. of it, with little feeling, the words just tion, my every attendance answers it. galvanized me. “Yes! I’m sober. I Earlier this year, I studied Spanish coming forth, barely beckoned. Rarely have I answered with such haven’t had a drink today.” I looked in Quito, Ecuador, for six weeks. The Words are then like little objects I feeling, such eagerness. Rarely have at my fellow dust-covered weary AA meetings I attended there could toss out toward others as a matter of the words of the query been so preg- passengers sitting around me. “How have been in Russian for all that I protocol. “My first drink was at my nant with invitation, hope, help, about that!” I thought. promise. In the words of my reply I C. R., Macate via Chimbote, Peru

July 1 9 8 6

ers” became close associates only six I committed myself voluntarily to . or eight months after my first drink. I one of the state jag farms (anxiously experimented with the other drugs bringing two deputies along), and it too, and began the commonplace was there that I was first introduced thievery which ultimately brought me to Alcoholics Anonymous. After to a bottom consisting chiefly of frus- fifty-five days of inpatient treatment, tration, hopelessness, and despair. In I stood in front of the judge who had my first year of drinking I framed a so harshly warned me that if 1 ever friend when people who lived near came in front of him again, I would the store where I worked saw me surely “be sent to prison to rot.” To stealing beer out the back door. my Higher Power I owe the fact that In less than three years from the of the possible twenty years I faced, I

J ust five and one half years ago I was in jail awaiting trial for offenses with penalties ranging from but I do remember how much I liked the taste of those strange concoctions, and the warm feeling that starttime I first drank from my own bottle, I was drinking alcohol and using other drugs on a daily basis, and I was given only one. I received my first year medallion behind bars, and absolutely never did sixteen to twenty years in prison. ed in the pit of my stomach, slowly was bumming around with the person I miss an AA meeting while I was in- Through the grace of God and Alco- creeping upward, until it numbed the I had formerly considered the worst carcerated. I am eternally indebted to holics Anonymous, I now have over crown of my skull. I realize now that candidate for friendship because of those people who gave so freely of five years of sobriety, a lovely young even then I craved liquor, longing for his lengthy criminal record. We final- their time to venture behind the bride, and a very promising future as the day when I could buy my own. ly “went to the party together,” after locked doors of that jail to bring a result of my soon to be obtained The saddest part of my story, how- which we ended up in jail for bur- meetings into a world vastly different diploma from a well-known Minne- ever, is that the day came so soon. glary. This wasn’t the first time I had from the world that you and I know sota university. At the age of sixteen, I found that I woken up in jail, mind you, but I re- on the “outside.” Those people who This evening in particular I am appeared old enough to pass for member the fright that was instilled in were from my own home group were sitting in my living room, the radio eighteen, which was Minnesota’s me when I found myself looking the very significant to my recovery in the playing softly, with sounds of my legal age of consumption at that time. wrong way down half-a-dozen gun next few years, and I love them very wife preparing the evening meal in From that day on, my downfall was barrels, and I remember the ringing much, especially today. . the background. I am reading from inevitable. No matter what negative words of the judge when he told me, I know that I was spared the life of the AA pamphlet “Memo to an effects alcohol might have had on me, “This day will haunt you for the rest a practicing alcoholic, and in place of Inmate Who May Be an Alcoholic.” my inadequacies disappeared. When of your life!” it I have been blessed with a wife suddenly, a chill has made its way up I was drunk, I was all the things I But thanks to the anesthetising who is also in this wonderful promy spine, and tears begin to stream feared in others; strong, handsome, properties of alcohol, I was able to gram (with whom I attended AA’s from my face. Immediately I go to intelligent, and talented. That is not forget my healthy fear in order to be fiftieth anniversary in Montreal on the kitchen to embrace my wife, to say I did not possess these qualities locked up seven or eight more times our honeymoon), a bright future with simply because of the emotion which when I was sober, rather I just did not during my drinking career, paying the what looks to be a promising career, has overcome me: gratitude. or could not see them. price with one day behind bars for many truly good friends, my health, My first drink was many years ago, My progression through the stages every three days that I drank. Finally, sanity, the renewed respect of my when my older brothers were experi- of the disease of alcoholism went though, I was able to admit that I family, and most especially, freementing with alcohol as teenagers. I amazingly fast. Persons I had de- wanted something better than the life dom! A freedom which includes the don’t remember how old I was then, spised because I felt they were “los- I was headed for should I continue to freedom to not take a drink today. drink. I was twenty years old. J. R., Mankato, Minn.

July 1986

I came to prison in 1967 as a parole of the compass. I thought I was going violator. Having previously served to die this time. My old attitudes, my almost five years for armed robbery past life, my future dreams all seemed and kidnapping, I had not changed a sham in that moment. I saw how my self-destructive attitudes or phony I had been all my life. But imdrinking habits; and during that mediate intervention occurred so I period, I never once heard of AA. It’s didn’t die, and thus I began my sollikely that I was not ready to listen emn search for something to which I anyway. Sure I drank heavily, but a could honestly dedicate myself. problem? Not me. All my problems In the spring of 1975 I was moved were caused by relatives, wife, cir- to another part of the prison where cumstances – you know, the world the AA recovery program flourished had never been fair t o me, never given like a refreshing green forest. But I me that “big break.” was under the impression that AA In 1968 I received a death sentence. was a religious program. Then on a detainer in 1970, I received A friend who knew that part of my a second death sentence. I lived on problem was alcohol-related persuad- “Death Row” for four years until my ed me to attend a meeting. I agreed sentences were changed to life im- on one condition: If I did not like the prisonment. During that time I did meeting, I would not go back. I was not care about anything or anyone. determined not to be preached to. Like dead wood in a forest, my atti- The first meeting was confusion tude reflected doom, extinction, and for me: all the slogans, the reading of decay. I moved only when prodded. the Preamble, How It Works, talk of taking the Steps. But I paid attention “W hy AA in prison?” I have often heard asked. “You can’t get anything to drink in there In the winter of 1971 I was suddenly mainstreamed into the general prison population. My attitude imto an older, white-haired fellow named “Dale.” He was talking about anyway.” Though perhaps surprising proved a little, but the reminder that God, higher power, love, .and felto some folks, alcohol can be ac- I would never leave prison again lowship. “Ha, just as I expected. Required in prison. And if for some slapped down my wobbly hopes. So ligious types,” I muttered to myself reason it can’t, many alcoholics will why care at all? I “made time” by and made up my mind not to go back. turn to other drugs that are readily creeping through tasks and chores But I noticed Dale also talked available. On the other side of the just to make existence bearable for about not drinking, about how our coin, though, many people first hear myself. But this didn’t work either. attitudes, isolation, problems, and about the program in prison. Outside Finally in 1974 a “drugged-up” pris- drinking were all tied together. I did. prison they seldom cared enough to oner shattered my snail’s pace. This not know that after several years of listen. I know. I am a prisoner. “divine intervention” began my working with AA in prison, Dale was . awakening . wise to the reluctance of prisoners Like a rubber band the prisoner like myself. After that meeting, he snapped a blade against my jugular made a point to welcome me, shake vein. My blood shot out to all points my hand and say, “We are glad to

each chooses to come inside a prison For two years at other institutions, today when people sometimes remark to hold out the hand of AA. These I had no AA group. But a recent on how much I have changed for the speakers – sincere, honest, and move has given me the close sharing better – and this makes my recovery friendly – always seem glad to be at and caring of AA meetings again. But stronger. We all need a pat on the prison AA meetings, reminding the here at this facility we do not have back now and then. prisoners, “Many of us could be regular outside speakers. We are cur- Through ten years – 1975 to 1985 iwkon are the out- – I feel that I have branched out, drunk, dead, insane, or in prison ourselves.” Some bring literature, rently working to encourage AA peo-‘ ple to come “inside” to share with us. &who bm’win the like a rejuvenated tree. During this time the AA recovery program has many radiate spirituality. Their loyal friendship has given added inspira- If anyone asks you to share the AA message “inside,” you may well find taught me that I cannot control or tion to the recovering alcoholic in such service meaningful, liberating, handle alcohol – or any drugs – so prison. Several of these speakers are rewarding, and honorable. Your my best bet is to leave them all strictly their oam stovtiesy alone. I have learned how to resist “that urge.” former inmates who found AA “inside.” Now they are bringing the AA message back to others. They have story and your help is a Twelfth Step call that really counts if you befriend and inspire just one of us to stay During these recovery years, alco- inspired me to make plans to do the sober, to get out and remain out. have you. If drinking was a problem hol and drugs have been available – same some day. Yes, with recovery Does Alcoholics Anonymous work in for you, this is the place to learn how they always are. Even in a maximum hope has returned a part of my life I prison? Definitely. to do something about it. We care security prison someone tried to sell thought lost forever. D. A .,Maury, N. C. about you and will offer all the sup- me two pints of bonded whiskey after port we can if you want to quit and I had been in AA a couple of years. stay sober.” For me, this was an immediate temp- As I left the meeting, Dale’s declar- tation. I could almost taste it. But I ation and show of concern lingered in did not buy it. Without AA I would my thoughts. I needed to learn more, have been unable to resist. With AA so I returned for the next meeting. A I stood out of danger, though I curiguest speaker arrived and told his ously asked, “Why did you bring story. Some of his points hit home. this to me?” I did not become an instant AA He replied, “I figured you were convert, but I kept going to meet- one of those ‘alcoholics’ and you ings; and I went back twice a week might want it.” for eight years. During this time Needless to say, he wanted a high I became involved with service work price, too. I explained to him that AA for the group. Slowly and subtly had convinced me not to drink. Then .;:I,became liberated, absolved, I sent him away and my first close call delivered from my destructive ways was successfully resisted. and obsessive thinking about the One of the strongest attractions of past, the present, and the future. I AA in prison are the outsiders who began to focus on one day at a time. I bring in the message of hope and feel I underwent the “personality recovery by telling their own stories. change” spoken about in the pro- Each of these speakers probably has a gram. I still feel surprise and elation more “interesting” place to go, but

J u l y 1986

forms do, from the back of his head. him a congratulatory hug. It suddenly I knew it was him. “Leo!” I shouted hit both of us that this moment was over the noise of the crowd. We greet- the culmination of three years of ed. We hugged. We both talked at correspondence and phone calls, all once. It began a week of sharing: of planning to meet and share at this experiences, AA program, Conven- meeting. We hugged again. The 500 tion activities, and friendship. It was members there all rose as a unit, as if we were brothers who hadn’t applauding and rejoicing with us. seen each other for years. Over fifteen members, many for- Friday came, July 5,1985. We were mer inmates, came to the floor mike to talk at 1:30 PM in the AA and Pris- to share their prison and AA experions workshop at the Montreal Con- ences; movingly giving their grati- The July 1984 Grapevine told the story of two AAs, vention Center. I talked first, telling tude to AA for their lives, vowing an inmate (“Leo1) and his outside sponsor (“Ned’), part of my story and how I started t o continue carrying the message who became friends through the Institutions Correspondence Service. doing AA prison work. I related inside. I have never attended a more They planned to meet at AA’s 50th birthday party, if Leo was out on parole. meeting Leo by mail, and how our powerfully moving and spiritual correspondence helped me. AA meeting.

W e stood in the corridor outside Canadian Customs in Montreal International Airport waiting for and Leo, paroled in August 1984, was not only coming to AA’s 50th Anniversary International Convention to Leo then told his story, of killing a fourteen-year-old boy while driving drunk, and ending up in prison. In a This story does not end. Leo and I have each returned home, richer for our sharing, good friends miles apart. “Leo” to emerge. My wife and I had keep our date made over a year ago, voice filled with emotion he gave We are both filled with gratitude never met him before; had seen only a but also to participate with me in the thanks for the help he received from which we can repay in the only way small snapshot he’d sent. He said he AA and Prisons workshop. outside AA visitors and the AA cor- we know how, which is, as Bill W. was six foot two and weighed 225 I recognized him the way prisoners respondence while doing time. When said, to “pass it on.” pounds. It was Tuesday, July 2,1985, and service people who wear uni- he ended his talk I stood and gave N. A., Wenonah,N. J.

odd years, I forged my way through Today, however, I choose to. Previlife heedless of the feelings, wants, or ously I chose an alternative to these needs of others. I did it by manipu- “suggestions,” and it led to my imlating, controlling, and exercising prisonment. But now I choose to be sheer force against virtually every ac- among the five other convicts who quaintance, employer, friend, rela- gathered behind these walls to start tive, and family member in my life. I the first AA group here. I choose to have broken just about every man- get involved in my life by submitting made and divine law that civilization a proposal for an inmate first-aid and has adopted. And I have inflicted an CPR program for which I hope to immense sum of physical, emotional, win approval and support. I choose intellectual, and spiritual anguish, to inquire about AA literature and abuse, and injury to those closest and books for our as yet unopened lidearest to me. Some of that tor- brary. I choose to work toward securment and harm was a part of my ing a vocational change for myself “sober” life and so, perhaps, far which will offer me an opportunity to more damaging. be of service to others. I choose also What happened? I refused to ac- to be an anonymous alcoholic willing cept the fact that my alcoholism was a to offer help to those in need; to be an L iving well, being happy, and leading a productive, sharing and caring life are not always the symptom and that my entire life was active, responsible, caring and sharunmanageable. I didn’t have to re- ing member of the Fellowship which gain sanity and eliminate or control has guided me finally to solid footing results of sobriety. A good many men character defects. I didn’t have to on the road to recovery, and has and women have, like me, much to make a personal inventory or admit opened my eyes to the hope of the their dismay and often their misfor- anything to God, to myself, or to twelve promises in the Big Book, tune, discovered that merely sobering another human being. I didn’t have which I had lost sight of. up certainly offers the reasonable to make amends, seek a closer con- Today I am well. I have a beautiful assurance of a longer life – though tact with God, or experience a spiri- wife waiting for me who has always tual awakening. I was no longer the and is now demonstrating more, love, slobbering, abusive father; .the stag- faith, and devoted strength than gering, bloody driver; the obnoxious perhaps I deserve in the eyes of many. antagonist; or the impotent, neglect- My life has become productive, and I ful husband. I was sober – and of am sure the shattered trust and brocourse continuing in a covert way to ken faith of my children will return in wreak havoc and lay waste to the lives time. I am confident that by followand efforts of those around me. ing closely the suggested program of Yes, the Twelve Steps are a “sug- recovery in AA, I can move beyond gested” program of recovery, and mere physical sobriety and accumuone perhaps “ought” to practice late the rewards of a full and rich these simple precepts. But of course emotional sobriety. there are no “have to’s” in AA. G. H., Burlington, Wash.

r July

I have a younger sister in Maryland whom I have been watching hit bottom for the last three years. I have Here is the last one I wrote to her while she was still in jail: “I was thinking of you and thought landed back in the hospital, this time on the psych floor. “Right now you have a chance, if really witnessed how alcoholism is a family disease. I sponsor lots of people, but it is really hard dealing with a family member. I realize how powerless I am, and how cunning, baf- Carbon I would drop you a line. I hope things are going okay with you. I know these last few years I have written you letters that were not pleasant. What I have been doing is sharing my story you are willing to do certain things. Your life and future depend on your willingness to work toward sobriety. And AA is definitely something that works for alcoholics. I believe in you. fling, and insidious alcoholism is. with you in hopes that it might help. If I can do it, so can you. You only I have also witnessed family denial “I have been watching you hit your have three choices: to be locked up, at its finest. bottom, knowing how you feel. You to sober up, or to be covered up. Over the last few years I have are a carbon copy of me and of what “Right now you are at a turning watched my sister wreck her car sev- alcoholism was doing to my life. point. You can either choose to sureral times, and get busted for DUI. When I went into treatment my mo- render to AA or you can continue The last time, about eight months tives were not honest. I went mainly what you have already tried. And ago, she had to do some time in jail. to get my job, family, and the judge believe me, things can always get She was released on a Thursday morn- off my back. Even though my mo- worse. I was facing a year in the woming and soon after that she got hit by tives weren’t honest, treatment really en’s penitentiary when I finally sura drunken driver. The guy that hit her helped. I learned I had a disease. rendered to AA. With you being on had no insurance, a revoked driver’s “I also went through jail many two years’ probation, if you get license, and expired tags. It shook her times – on weekends, overnight, and caught doing anything, you are gone, up, totaled her car, and sent her to the one time for thirty days. Alcohol was no exceptions. It is no game. This is hospital. As she was lying on the table always the bottom line. When I woke real. It was only by the grace of God in the emergency room having her up in jail one Sunday morning (not that I did not go to prison. head sewn up, she said to our mother, realizing it was Easter Sunday), I “My last drink was February 16, . “That could have been me hurting looked at myself and hated what I 1981. I have never been happier. I did someone.” saw. I didn’t believe in God and I not know so many beautiful things I have been writing my sister letters wanted to die. I felt so ashamed. I felt and people could ever be in my life, periodically for over three years. that life had no meaning for me. I felt just one day at a time. Staying sober that my only purpose in life, if I even and clean meant just being willing to had one, was to suffer. The only have some kind of faith. My faith thing that made me feel any better started in AA. It started with the was to fantasize about death. group and my sponsor. Then I slowly “When I finally started going to started to believe in myself, to believe AA, I didn’t do anything they told that I deserved to be happy, and that me to do. I didn’t drink for seven I was worthy. I pray that you will months, but that was all. I was still choose a life of sobriety over a life hanging out with old playmates in old in prison. playgrounds. I started substituting “I also want you to know I am drugs for alcohol and I was back on your friend.” that merry-go-round called denial. I D. W;,Atlanta, Ga.

J’ ; July 1987

worry, shame, and biggest of all, selfpity. I came to the shallow conclusion that perhaps I did drink too much sometimes, and that maybe now I had learned some self-control like

I am currently serving a four-year hours. So you may be asking, what sentence in the co-ed correctional have 1 got to say while locked up in facility in Springfield, South Dakota. prison, without booze around for other people seemed to have. I was released on a supervised parole and spent some time trying to Approximately one year ago this one- temptation? Well, I have a lot to say. put my life back together. I slowly time college campus was closed to I am a grateful alcoholic and am began to gain the better things in life. make room for the rising number of alive and sober today by the grace of I had someone special in my life again, people coming into prison. Because it God and the AA program. In Octo- and began having an occasional drink I 1 alcoholic compared to some of those with meals. It wasn’t long afterward people there. Many had talked about that I was back on that roller coaster, BARS losing things in their drinking careers. Well, didn’t I still have a fantastic heading downhill. I had been trying hard to start up

II Without Bartenders e I job, my wife and son, a house, cars, and all the other things that make life what it is? I did maybe lose a little respect checking myself into a what was thought to be a successful business. Through my self-will and my alcoholic thinking, I tried getting the necessary funds the wrong way. still retains the dormitory style of ber of 1979 I was successful, married, place like that, but felt I could some- Two days after a spree I turned myliving and classrooms, it is hard for and had many of life’s pleasures, but how cover that up with most peo- self in and was charged with forgery. me to remember at times that I am in I was not very happy. I wouldn’t have ple anyway. I had gotten away with a fairly large prison. Being a medium-security admitted that to anyone and my out- Just a few months later, in January sum o f money and over the next few prison we do have two chain link ward appearance may not have of 1980, I was facing a five-year sen- months I proceeded to do what any fences that surround the entire shown it, but I was miserable. I was tence in the South Dakota state peni- alcoholic would do, spend it on grounds. Also included in this secur- arrested for my fourth DWI and tentiary. A few months after I was booze. When the money ran out I hit ity precaution are newly installed during a court appearance agreed sent there, my wife divorced me, tak- a bottom that I never want to forget. screens that have been attached to the with my lawyer and the judge to ing my son and everything else that I had hurt a number of people whom building outside our windows. admit myself to treatment. I did my meant something to me. Dumb luck I cared for very much and who also There sure are a lot of bars here, thirty-day stint but didn’t have a had really struck. For the next forty- cared about me. Somehow through but certainly no bartenders or happy problem, and certainly was no two months I lived in anger, fear, my drinking I couldn’t see that then,

and instead blamed all those people side of me. Upon leaving I headed for my troubles. I was miserable, straight for a club for AAs in my are comfortable with. least go and buy a ticket.” To me filled with guilt, shame, and just sick home town. 1 attended every meeting One of my sponsors married an- now, this means that we have to be and tired of being sick and tired. I 1 could for the next ninety days. Our other member of our club. I was told willing to do something for ourselves had imprisoned myself mentally, club is open during the day and I by others it would never last; that two before we can expect the miracles physically, and spiritually. I was spent many of my spare moments alcoholics can’t live together. Well, to happen. bound to something that was darker there. I listened and took the advice 1 I’ll tell you what, these two have been A year ago I believed I had bought and lonelier than any jail or prison was given. I spoke at meetings if a very big inspiration to me and to a winning ticket, but a voice inside me cell would ever be. I tried taking my asked to, and even started to volun- many others. said that perhaps it was God’s will life and couldn’t even do that right. teer where I could. In March of last year I received a that I didn’t win. Maybe it was his On my second attempt the following Sponsors, I had heard, were an phone call from my attorney. The will that I go back to prison. If it was, night, I took an even larger quantity important thing to have, so I got a charges that had been waiting for fif- I could accept that. There is a reason of pills followed by even more booze couple of them to start with. and used teen months were being brought up, for everything. and lay down to dik. Some- them. I got active and be- and I would have to appear in court one had other plans for me, came involved. 1 felt accept- and perhaps face another prison senhowever. I was in a motel ed and a part of everything tence. impulses jumping,- I thought “Spons~~s~ I had and everyone. After eight of drinking but knew that would lead and went into a violent blackout. I somehow man- months I accepted being me nowhere. I turned to my sponsors heard, Were an iwaged to run around the chairman of the Friday and friends. They told me to go back building parking lot, wear- night meetings, and this en- over the Steps, and Step Three was a n t t h i g to have, riched my sobriety, and was important. ing nothing. I remember falling once and feeling a a blessing in my growing I heard a story once, and it’s one SO Iflot a CO%P[~ that I like to tell because it seems to fit lot of pain, even numbed as I was. Without a written and learning process. I had heard the fellow- so well. I think we all have gotten ofthem t~ S= with, police report I wouldn’t believe the ship was important but little did I ourselves into a bad situation at one time or another and have turned to adwed them)) rest. I was jailed and then put in a know I would be blessed with a new psychiatric ward at the hospital for family, along with my new way of God for help. “God, you get me out being a danger to myself. It took me life. I was happier and more at peace of this one and I’ll never do it again.” I was sentenced March 28. and about three days before the fog with myself than I had been in the Well, the story is about a man who since then have thought of a hundred cleared enough for me to think, and previous twenty-eight years. Life was prayed that God would let him win a different reasons why. Prison isn’t to even attempt to walk. The doctors a high. Many members talked of fall- lottery. He bought a paper the next easy but I’ve had good emotional told me I was lucky to be alive. Even ing off treatment highs and I feared day to see if he had won, but his name support from many of my newfound today, two years later 1still bear some that one day it might happen to me. wasn’t there. He prayed again to God friends back home. I got involved, as of the scars from that nightmare. One evening at a meeting, a speaker that he would win the lottery. On was suggested, in the AA program 1 told my doctors I wanted to go to mentioned that nothing has to hap- buying the paper again he saw his within the walls. With outside groups treatment and no one argued with pen to us unless we want it to. During name nowhere. Again, he prayed and coming in to share their courage, me, not even my inner voice. I spent discussion later on I brought out my prayed to God that he could win the strength, and hope, neither my faith forty-three days at the treatment cen- fears and from then on believed I lottery, for his family needed the nor my knowledge has ever staled. I ter, absorbed everything I could and wouldn’t have to come down unless I money desperately. On finding out try to make an AA contact daily with dumped out about as much. I couldn’t wanted to. We each find our own that his third plea had done no good, the inmates, and read anything I can believe all the things that were in- level of happiness, and one that we he asked God why. A voice came get my hands on that concerns our down and said “Give me a break, at disease.

I was transferred to the present loca- I am finding so many things to be tion in October and am enrolled in a grateful for. My attitude of gratitude vocational course in business occupa- is one thing. Since it is March, spring tions. I have had prior schooling in is upon us and it is a beautiful time of this field but don’t believe I ever the year. Just this morning I opened learned as 1now am. We also have the my window and sat looking out over opportunity to enroll in other classes my view. My first thought was that it during free time, such as AA spiri- wasn’t very nice at all, what with the tual, AA Step, and Big Book. We fences and screens. Just then a robin have meetings once a week, again landed in the grass beneath the winwith outside speakers. Some of these dow. He poked and prodded in the groups come hundreds of miles for an grass and within minutes produced a hour and a half. That’s an inspiration nice big worm which seemed t o please of how this program works. him immensely. It may not be all that Recently my home town club exciting to think of, but I have never packed and sent all the old issues of actually seen a bird in this way. It was the Grapevine they had. Since then pleasing to watch its beauty and grace many other groups have done the and I was grateful to have been there same. I can’t say what a joy it is being to enjoy it. able to read back through the years. I feel like 1 missed out on a lot now. A few of these go back to 1967, and I can’t go back and change the past. before. To me they are part of his- As the saying goes, “One must never tory, but even more. lose time in vainly regretting the Things aren’t perfect, and a few past.” I know that everything I have weekends ago was an example of experienced up to now was part of my that. Something wasn’t going just the learning process, just as now, the way I wanted it to and trying the old time I am serving is part of my recovway of taking matters into my own ery process. If 1can be this happy and hands proved to make it an even big- grateful while here, it makes me wonger mess. I realized I couldn’t do der what the future will be. This hapanything about it. If we can’t change piness I believe is the hope I have for it, then accept it and turn’it over. It tomorrow. worked, and since then I have been Two positive things I will carry taking a little closer look inside of with me when I leave are that I am an myself. I’ve been reading more and alcoholic, and that I am an ex-con. talking more to my God, as I under- They are a part of me, a part of the stand him. Perhaps my understand- experience 1 needed to get where I ing of his will for me has gotten bet- am today. , ter, because the benefits and rewards Life really does get better when we have been great. Now, each new day take the time to enjoy it and live it. really is a new day. K. H., Aberdeen, S.D.

July 1987

The Four Horsemen Folsom as usual and WE ARE COMING LOADED.” When we arrived at Folsom, we were subjected to the most rigid and thorough shakedown a man came up to me and asked if I remembered him. I didn’t. He reintroduced himself to me and said that he had finished his probation from we had ever experienced. The follow- San Quentin two years earlier and ing week I had a letter from the war- had been an AA member ever since. den suggesting that I carefully select He then introduced me to his wife I went to San Quentin initially for about five years, at which time I decided that I had probably worn out me. I still am the proud possessor of the now very old ID from San Quentin dated January 18, 1951. I the words I used in any communication with an inmate. They got the impression that I was going to engineer and two little daughters. Another time while I was chairman of a beginners meeting in San Franmy effectiveness as an outsider bring- During these many trips to the two a “breakout.” cisco a man came up to me with the ing the AA message inside. prisons (1 had also gotten involved at Another time I took an AA mem- same question, “Do you remember After a lapse of two or three months Folsom Prison), I encountered quite ber who was a former prisoner to me?” I didn’t. He reintroduced him- I was approached by a glib-tongued a few interesting happenings. For Folsom where he really gave the ,self as a former secretary of the San member who convinced me that I example, the group at San Quentin members the message that AA works Quentin group – his name was should join with three other members had an inmate steering committee. on the outside. That was the week “Mac.” He said that he lived in San and go back to San Quentin once a They asked me to attend one of these that I received yet another letter from Diego and was visiting in San Fran- * month. The reason for this was that meetings. At this meeting, they want- the warden that to bring an ex-convict cisco. He then told me he was having the inmate members at “Q” were ed to know why when God was men- into a prison without prior permis- his fifth AA birthday in September tired of “drunkalogs” and wanted tioned the person who had made the sion was in fact a felony. Luckily for and wanted to know if I would come the four of us to come and talk about remark always hurried on to another me, the warden took no further ac- to San Diego to present him with his the program of AA. They all knew subject. They pointed out that God tion except to warn me forcibly to birthday cake. Since this was early our stories, so I joined the group that was indeed in San Quentin and that watch my step. March I agreed, thinking that he , came to be known as “The Four they would like to have the outside On another occasion, a newly re- would soon forget the whole thing. Horsemen.” Where the inmate mem- visitors explain God in their lives. leased AA member from Folsom was Like an elephant, he didn’t forget bers picked up this title we never did Another thing they did not like was sitting at the hospitality table of the and reminded me of it a few weeks find out. I always suspected that they the use of profanity and obscenities San Francisco Alano club trying to before the time. So my wife and 1 had purposely left out one descriptive by outside members, including dirty find out the name of a certain fellow hopped in our car and drove 550 part of their title having to do with stories and off-color jokes. They who came to Folsom regularly. The miles, went to the meeting,’gave Mac the back end of a horse. So I went to pointed out there was a plethora of three fellows sitting at the table start- his cake, spent two nights in a motel, San Quentin for four more years. All such muck in prison without having it ed out by asking “Was it so-and-so?” and drove back to San Francisco. of the other three members of the brought in by outsiders. The answer to about four of the sug- Mac became a director of a halfway original group had died. On another occasion I had a note gested names was negative. Finally, house in southern California where One year I went to San Quentin so from the inmate secretary at Folsom the Folsom graduate blurted out with he was working when he died. Mac often that Warden Clinton Duffy asking me to be sure and bring the “He looks like a well-dressed pimp,” made the program. issued me an ID card after telling me maximum number (eight) to the next and wouldn’t you know all threeguys Just these two incidents made all that as often as I came to San Quentin meeting I chaired. We drove up said at once, “That’s P-.” the trips I ever made to San Quentin I should not take up the valuable time from San Francisco on our Sunday, There were several occasions that and Folsom very much worthwhile. of a security officer. As a result of a distance of over 300 miles round made all the trips I made to both in- Two ex-convicts – living proof that this decision I was able to come and trip. I dropped him a card saying stitutions very worthwhile. this program works. go without a security officer escorting something like this: “Will arrive at For example: at an AA conference P. G., Mill Valley, Cali$

July 1987

would know me. bought a ticket to Madison, Wiscon-

The I walked home with the money (I sin, having no idea how I’d get to the had no car) and threw it in the washer camp from there – it was still sixty to remove the red stain the money miles from Madison. had from the dye they put on it I had said my goodbyes and was

Drinks in case of a robbery. now in Madison. It was April 12, 1 My picture was in the paper the had plenty of time, it was 10:05 Satnext day and anyone who knew me urday morning. I looked through the was sure I was the man in the picture. phone directory and found the East Ironically, the night after the rob- Side Alano club. I dialed and heard, .

bery I was picked up by the police in a “AA, East Alano.” I stated my cir- 1

playground drunk, and they gave me a ride home. July 15, I called the FBI and turned myself in, stating 1 needed help. I was released on personal bond and entered treatment at Sacred Heart in Detroit. This treatment was different – they lived AA there. They exer losing everything many times plained AA and spirituality in depth. cumstances and that 1 needed a meetover, making several attempts I was sober 115 days when I decid- ing. An older gentleman told me to icide, failing at a twenty-eight- ed that I might as well get drunk; I wait right there. Within minutes he day treatment for alcoholism, many was gonna go to prison anyway. I re- was greeting me with a handshake geographic moves and job changes, I lapsed three times and then made a and we were off to a meeting. commitment to get what others had After the meeting he offered me his decided in my mind that the only home for two nights, plus he would thing I could do since I couldn’t hold in AA, fail or not. a job or stay sober was rob a bank! I got two sponsors, lots of phone drive me the sixty miles to the prison I had walked into the same bank numbers, and went to almost four- camp! We spent the weekend going to three weeks before but had turned teen meetings a week. My life was meetings and eating well. I was as around, walked out, and gotten turning around. I finally belonged. I ready as I’d ever be. AA had helped was in the Fellowship, no doubt. me more than I’d ever known. drunk on gin. I’ve been here at Oxford Prison But this time was different. I would I walked in the courtroom with two AA friends and we said what we Camp one month now. AA is Thursdo it. I knew I could just walk in, hand them a note, walk out with could to the judge. He remarked that day nights at 7:OO. I miss my meetings the money. my recovery was evident but that he at home but I’m glad for even just So on July 12, 1985 it happened had decided to give me one to three one here. I receive mail from friends just as I knew it would. I thought years. I was a little shaken but some- in AA so 1 get an additional meeting maybe I’d get lucky and they’d shoot how knew that I had to be responsible with each letter. My life is worth livfor my crime. ing today, and for that I’m grateful to me dead. But then again, if not, I’d go on a real binge this time, maybe I was to report to Oxford Federal God and the AA Fellowship. Prison Camp on April 14, 1986, so I M. L., Clemens, Mich. out West somewhere where no one

July 1987

\ Every Tuesday and Fourth Saturday N ormally, when I start talking about my life, I start at the beginning. If I was to do that, Grapewomen. My big test, and freedom, all stood in this center. I made it through twenty-three months of prison sovine would have to make it a special briety, now can I make it another edition. So to sum things up I will six months? simply say I was powerless, unman- Two days after my two-year birthageable, down and out, and a bum. I day 1 had a drink, right there in the had tried to take my life three times, center. I was still attending AA outthe last was four weeks before my side of the center, but lying to my incarceration. I was the loneliest per- sponsor, fellow members, and myself son on earth. that 1 was still sober. I told myself At the age of twenty I was sent to that I would prove this world wrong Taycheedah Correctional Institution and show them I knew how to drink for five years. I knew I had a drinking socially. problem, but an alcoholic – never. I Boy, was I wrong – two months joined the AA program here in T.C.I. later I found myself sitting in the because the staff told me I had to. I county jail waiting to return to priswas in AA for a good impression on on. I wasn’t even free, and already I the parole board. was on my way back. That was my I attended AA in prison for a year bottom! and a half before I actually admitted Since my return, my eyes have been to myself that I was an alcoholic. I opened to my real illness. I was not believe that I’d still be kidding myself made to drink as a socializer. if it wasn’t for an outside speaker I’m back in my AA program here sharing his experience. He talked in prison. And this time I live and about himself, but I saw me, within work my program every day. I have every word he spoke. Then I came to both my sponsor and God to thank believe, admit, and accept that I, too, for helping me. Without them, I’d was an alcoholic. My only problem still be drunk, or I’d be dead. was that I only worked my program I’m twenty-two years old now, still every lhesday and fourth Saturday incarcerated, and will be until April of the month. 1987. With the grace of God by my Shortly afterward, I was trans- side, I can make it -one day at a time. ferred to a pre-release center for A . C., Taycheedah, Wisc.

September 1987

Every time chapters three and five

SEDUCED were read at meetings new revelations and new meanings blossomed forth in a way simple re-reading in private wouldn’t have accomplished. Each speaker without fail shared some experience or insight that meant something to me – “Sobriety is my gift from God; what 1 do with the rest of my life is my gift to God”; “Learning is in the listening, healing is in the telling”; “I came to AA to promising. By the second meeting I stop drinking, not knowing I would felt something strange was happen- also get well” are just a few of them. ing, although 1 hadn’t the vaguest Then a man in a discussion group idea what it was. By the third meeting gave me his copy of the Hazelden something strange propelled me to book Twenty-FourHours a Day and stand up and talk a few minutes I just automatically started each day about my problem. By the fourth by reading it. Another person thought meeting I had a quiet hunch I just 1 might find Living Sober useful. might continue to go to a meeting Later a third referred me to As Bill now and then after my required six Sees It. I subscribed to the Grapevine, were “served.” But I’d just wait and and slowly my AA library expanded of my mind and proved to be the first see. I had learned already to take one as did my reading. stepping stones on my great adven- day at a time. And so it was that I More and more the simple ideas ture of discovering the many dimen- found myself wanting to come back. and feelings that lodged in my mind

“W e are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones.” “We claim spiritual sions of the AA program. I had come to AA on a court order, having rightfully earned my first In the following months the great adventure continued. 1 did not have, nor did I seek, a sponsor. I don’t in the early weeks multiplied, and together they slowly but persistently formed the foundation of a new way . progress rather than spiritual perfec- drunk-driving ticket. In this state, six necessarily recommend that to new- of thinking and a new outlook on mytion.” “Our public relations policy is AA meetings are part of the multi- comers, but in my case it led to the self and on life. I now see a coherent based on attraction rather than pro- tiered punishment for a “502.” great wonderment of discovering the and cohesive program for living motion.” “. . .Which led in time to I had known for a few years that I many facets of AA by and for myself. emerging. pitiful and incomprehensible demor- had a “drinking problem,” as I called As one sober week after another In short I was seduced ever so gentalization.” “Let go, let God.” it, and had admitted as much to my- passed, I slowly came to learn what ly by the AA program. Since my last Although familiar to every AA, self. So although being forced to go some of that strange jargon meant, drink I turned sixty, but my upcomthese phrases don’t seem to have to six AA meetings wasn’t a welcome words and ideas that were foreign ing first AA birthday is emerging as a much in common. Yet they are the idea, it at least wasn’t a horren- and bewildering at first – the Big far more important one as but the almost random phrases and concepts dous one. Book, let go, let God, turn it over, first milestone in what I see as a conthat 1 heard in my first few meetings Even at the first meeting I knew I twelfth-stepping, sponsors, theprom- tinuing grand adventure. that curiously lodged in the crevices had found something curious if not ises, and on and on. E. K., La Canada, Calif.

July 1988

males between the ages of 17 and 27. work for any of them if they aren’t Unless during the next 50 years we received with the same loving disci-

The Next 50Yearsare willing to carry the message of so- pline other AAs were received with. briety to our neighbors who are suf- The last 50 years witnessed the fering alcoholics in the ghettos and vision of the founders being brought barrios of our major cities. A signifi- to reality only because drunks like cantly disproportionate number of yourselves were able to take a part of our prisoners come from black and that vision and share it and extend it. Hispanic neighborhoods of our met- The next 50 years’ growth, impact, ropolitan areas. These inner city and success will also depend on vision dwellers are among the most victi- – the vision of continuity, accepout mized by alcoholism. Unless during the next 50 years we are willing to establish a cooperative tox centers with greater numbers of tance, and sharing. What we have established in our first 50 years of caring and sharing in ‘ correctional facilities is a sound founthe Fellowship involved in this special dation for what coirld be a golden era A 1985 Conference presentation by W. J. Estelle, Jr., twelfth-stepping. Everyone who goes during the next 50 years toward the ‘ to prison has first been in jail and goal of stemming the rate of growth former nonalcoholic trustee probably a detox center. of alcoholics in our prison popula- Unless during the next 50 years we tion. It is important to remember When 1 was as- locked up, what does it predict for the are willing to establish a cooperative during discussions of this type that signed the title next five years? Fifty years? relationship with our overworked AAs who work with inmates are not “Fifty Years of What it predicts for the Fellowship probation officers who need the kind “crime stoppers,” probation offi- Caring and Shar- for the next 50 years is a mission of support for their alcoholic proba- cers, sociologists, therapists, or proing in Correctional which, if AA accepts the challenge, tioners only an effective AA sponsor fessors of ethics. They are sober alco- Facilities,” the in- can reach the most severely suffering can provide. Nearly every person in holics doing what they have to do vitation was not specific as to which alcoholics in North America. prison today failed the conditions every day to stay sober – not drink- 50 years. And so I want to address the Within the last three years, the of probation, and most of those fail- ing, going to meetings, and sharing next 50 years in addition to the first U.S. Department of Justice released a ures were related to alcohol.. the message of sobriety with others 50 years. research report indicating as much as Unless during the next 50 years we who need the helping hand of Alco- This day is not only the first day of 80% of our prisoners should be clas- are ready to test our collective matur- holics Anonymous. the rest of our lives, it is also the first sified either problem drinkers or alco- ity as we change our attitudes about Part of the future of this Fellowday of our Fellowship’s next 50 years. holics. There is little evidence or referrals from treatment centers and ship (too much of our future) is right Today, there are 450,000 adults in reason to believe that situation will the lower courts. There are too many now locked up in jails, prisons, and prison in the United States plus 25,000 change significantly during the next AA members who came to the Fellow- juvenile detention centers. I f that in Canadian prisons.* There are at 50 years unless: ship under duress of family, employer, thought bothers you even a little bit, least that many people in our jails. Unless during the next 50 years we regulatory agency, or others to let’s change it. We should change it if Now, if we relate those figures to five are willing to share without reserva- permit the bigoted attitude some dis- we love the Fellowship. We can years ago when we had 300,000 adults tion or prejudice the joy of sobriety play toward court and treatment cen- change it if we love the still-suffering with the youth who are suffering al- ter referrals. The program won’t work alcoholic. We must change it if we *This presentation was given in April 1985. coholics. Most crime is committed by for them all, we know, but it won’t love ourselves in sobriety.

May 1988′

A Second-Generation h s t e e Who’s Not Even an Alcoholic Perhaps it was inevitable that Robert P. Morse, who currently serves as treasurer of AA’s General Service Board, would be a Class A (nonalcoholic) trustee of Alcoholics Anonymous “when he grew up.” Bob’s father was the second treasurer of the Board, following in the shoes of Archibald Roosevelt, and Bob recalls listening to stories about AA and its early members, including Bill W., from the time he was very young. Bob was drawn to AA involvement not only The purpose of the Institutions Correspon- because of his father. but because he has felt a dence Service is the same as that of all AA need throughout his life to do service. He begroups – to carry the message to the alcoholic lieves that helping people gives a balance to who still suffers. Experience suggests sharing life: “you learn more about life and about sobriety only and it is best for all concerned if yourself.” While doing a four-year stint in the no emotional or romantic involvements de- Navy, he got to know some alcoholics who velop. Men usually correspond with men and later came into the program, and saw how AA women with women, although exceptions are worked for them. He was attracted by the AA occasionally made. AA groups sometima way of life: “I got hooked,” he remarks, and “sponsor” an inmate by sharink as a group talks of the universality of AA principles. rather than on an individual bas~s. which work to enrich his own life. He goes on Does the correspondence service work from to remark with a grin that some members of an inmate’s point of view? Bernie L. writes his wife’s family are in AA so she doesn’t from a penitentiary in North Carolina: “Dear make a fuss if he attends too many meetings. Alcoholics Anonymous. A while back I sent With all those influences in operation. Bob you a letter asking for an outside sponsor and was a natural choice to fill a vacancy on the “lt could have been me! That’s what keeps a pen pal. Well I heard from a man in South trustees’ Finance Committee in 1981, and tions, thereby bringing the General Service going through my mind as I write to my friend Dakota within two weeks of my writing and then to take on the job of Class A trustee in Office even closer to the Fellowship as a whole. in jail for a DWI charge. It could have been things are going really well. 1984. Class A trustm are selected not only for Bob sees the success of this effort as a “declarame!” reflected Jean S., an “outside” AA “I just didn’t want anyone, as my original their knowledge of AA but for the business tion of AA’s vitality. When there is a need, and member who has volunteered to share her e x p letter spoke of what background I desired. I and professional expertise they will bring to the call goes out, AAs will always respond.” rience, strength and hope with a recovering al- wanted a ‘pureanteen’ gutter drunk and ex- the Board, and Bob’s background includes When asked what he considers the crucial coholic w i n g time in a correctional facility. convict or nothing. Me, I am doing time right education at the University of Pennsylvania issues for AA, today and in the future, Bob Although there are more than 1,700 AA now in North Carolina, and being that I am and Wharton Business School and several throws out some provocative questions. What groups in prisons and jails throughout the on my fifth alcoholically related term, noth- years as a vice-president of American Express. will it mean to AA that people keep coming to U.S. and Canada, many inmates feel the need ing but the worst would suffice. A little defen- He is currently president of his own invest- us earlier in the progression of their disease? for additional AA sharing – something more sive at first, I used the worst language I could ment counsel firm and chairman of the Wall What is the place of anonymity in a world than their weekly meetings. Many are incar- muster, threatened him, and carried on in the Street Fund. where more and more people are joining AA. cerated for alcohol-related crimes in facilities letters in such a way as to make him want to As treasurer of the General Service Board, and thus AA membership is becoming widely that have no AA activity whatsoever. The cash in his stamps. He, however, wrote and Bob began to be concerned about AA’s Tradi- accepted? AA has been called one of the General Service Office coordinates an Institu- told me to act any way I pleased, just don’t tion of self-support and the way an increasing major social movements of the 20th century, tions Correspondence Service as a way of fa- drink any mash, home-brew, or take any dependence on literature sales to non-AA en- and with a progressive loss of value systems cilitating a form of sponsorship by mail. dope. Both are available inside the prison tities affected that Tradition. He asked a lot of since World War 11, many people who are not When an inmate wishing to participate fences, for a price. He was understanding and questions, and urged others on the Board to alcoholics are looking to us to provide values writes to GSO. the staff person on the correc- cool about the whole thing, and gradually I examine all the implications of the Seventh they do not have. Is there a danger that AA tional facilities desk contacts one of the began to tmst him. We correspond weekly, Tradition. The result was the ongoing self- may lose its own primary focus by trying to fill “outside” M s who has volunteered for this and I only want to thank you for helping me support emphasis, which in 1987 resulted in a this larger societal need? form of lbelfth Step work. The outside AA find the sponsor that suited me best.” 37% increase in group contributions to the The matter of values seems to be part of initiates contact with the inmate by qualifying AA members interested in carrying the mes- General Service Office, with about 55% of Bob’s feeling about his servlce on the Board. briefly in the introductory letter. and lets the sage by writing to an inmate may contact the registered groups contributing. This in turn He observes that his understanding and apinmate know that writing, like all forms of Institutions Correspondence Service, Box has allowed AA World Services to reduce the preciation of AA have grown. “When you get M sharing, h e l p the writer as much as it 459, Grand Central Station, New York, NY price of M literature and made it possible for involved, you don’t get disappointed. You h e l p the recipient. 10163. group services to be fully funded by contribu- grow spiritually.”

July

I’ve just attended the best birthday party ever! “Farmer” Jim and I were lot about institutions. 1started to go to institutions committee.” So that’s among the four- the area assemblies about three years what I do. teen outside AAs ago because somebody said that old To get back to the birthday party, a invited to a local prison which was line, “Get in the car,” and 1 kept go- couple of the inmates heard me say celebrating that group’s twenty-fifth ing back because I developed a real af- that if I were going to make a report anniversary. I was delighted to be fection for the assemblies. When I’d better make some notes. asked; Jim was not! He had hoped asked to chair the area institutions “Champ” rushed from the room and that he would never spend time of any committee a year ago, I didn’t think I returned with a couple of pieces of sort “inside.” He said he’d go, but he was the right person for the job be- typing paper and a pen, and he and didn’t like it. cause: 1) 1 have never been a GSR “Stinger” commiserated with me as I There was much laughter and a (general service representative, the scratched my head and scribbled feeling of anticipation as the guards liaison between the home group and thoughts onto the paper. Champ said inspected our belongings, frisked the area); 2) I am a woman; and 3) the that speaking makes him nervous, guys, and ran electric metal detectors local county jails do not allow women and I just told him to check me out over all of us. Then we were led at AA meetings held there, so I’d when I returned from making the rethrough double-locked cages, never been to any of those meetings. port (my hands were shaking like through the prison yard, and up to But I have been trained well, so I crazy). the meeting place. didn’t say no, and have been chairing “John,” who is the inside sponsor The inside AAs were ready for us; the committee for a year now. Oh, at the prison, had told me that the they had prepared name tags, printed what grandiose visions I had at first, members of the prison group had, programs, and refreshments of pizza, visions of file cabinets in my living coffee, and cake. As we scanned the room and perhaps a home computer; programs, I noticed with some 1 was really going to get on top of amazement that I was scheduled to this job and do it right! Then I asked give a fifteen minute institutions the delegate from this area what the report. area institutions committee chairper- The amazement was caused mainly son should do, and he said, “show up because 1 don’t really know an awful at the area assembly and chair the

through a group conscience, decided letter was announced by its editor, I to become an autonomous group and and inmates passed it out with glee. to register with the area assembly. A John passed the hat to us outsiders big part of the report I gave came as we left the prison, then proudly from information gained at the handed me twelve dollars and said Northeast Regional Forum I attended that as a representative of the Hill last summer: meetings held “inside” Group, he was asking me to see that can become autonomous AA groups they were registered at the next area if they meet all six qualifications of a assembly. group (found in the pamphlet “The Do you know how hard it is to ex- AA Group”); it is possible for a press the way we feel sometimes? I group, even in a maximum security was so happy, delighted, and proud prison, to have a GSR, communicat- as I handed that twelve dollars to the ing with the area either through his area registrar and saw the boys on the district committee member (DCM)or Hill become a registered, autonothrough his alternate GSR, elected mous group of Alcoholics Anonyfrom among the “outside” AA mem- mous. Congratulations, Hill Group! bers. It tickled me to be able to bring (Remember Farmer Jim? He didn’t congratulations to the new group want to go, he wasn’t comfortable from all seventeen states which were being there, and he was relieved when represented at the Regional Forum. we left. But he couldn’t stop talking To heighten the excitement of the all the way home, and he’s going back anniversary and the new group status, to the prison next month!) the first edition of the group’s news- E. S., Dryden, N.Y.

July 1 9 8 8

Court slips From Prosper, Tex.: opportunities delivered right to our From Millersville, Md.: In defense of those members who doorstep. Bill W. was on record say- In Maryland we have a big prob- are “court-committed,” I would ing “Let our friends recommend us.” lem with the so-called court slips or like to appeal to our membership to Signing probation slips doesn’t take D.W.I. slips. Our meeting rooms are take a more kindly and tolerant view much effort. It’s one of the ways I stormed with people who come to the of them. can give back a little of what I’ve one meeting a week that is required A couple of months ago, during gotten, and also cooperate with our by the judge or monitor. our monthly group conscience meet- friends. J. T. Most of the slip holders are late ing, some very lively discussion on and if the meeting runs over I have signing probation slips was going on. seen them leave promptly at the Some were opposed to it because it scheduled ending time (9:30). seemed promotional – others be- The 10 percent who arrive early cause it seemed to overflow from coand leave late are the ones who are operation into affiliation with the willing to stay sober. I t has been sug- enforcing agency. gested that if you come to be one of Ddring this discussion, a member us, you will attend as many meetings who had been attending a lot of our as possible, get a sponsor, work the meetings wandered in. (This member Twelve Steps, and get back your dig- was court-committed to AA when he nity and your life. came in a year and a half ago. He’s I know today that when people now off probation, still makes six or want to change their way of living, it seven meetings per week, takes recovwill happen. No judge or court moni- ery seriously and gets involved.) He tor will make a person change. We shared that he was thankful his promust be willing. bation officer had the “audacity” t o By the way, a lot of our regu- send him to AA. However, here he lar members left the meeting and was, hearing fellow members comwouldn’t come back because of fear plaining about having people sent the that their anonymity would be broken way he was. This man has only atoutside the program, because of the tended our group once since that inciproblem with the court system. dent. 1 hope he’s taken up with an- We have suggested to our state other group, rather than let the fear officials that they obtain a meeting of some well-meaning members be place and have their slip holders his excuse to reenter the gates of hell there. Then we can bring a meeting to via the bottle. them. We feel they have no right to We’ve spent over fifty-one years dump the problem of D.W.I. slip gaining good rapport with our proholders on the Fellowship. We are fessional friends, who now regard us self-supporting through our own as a favorable resource for delivering contributions, and AA welfare and drunks back into the human race. unity come first. S. M. Let’s be grateful for the Twelfth Step

July 1989 renity Prayer, a reading of the Pre- other inmate, explains this is taboo. amble, and a few paragraphs of Tom speaks at length, pointing out “How It Works” from the fifth that AA experience teaches us that chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous. singleness of purpose – dealing only Because two newcomers are present, with our alcoholism – makes the AA Steve points out that it is the custom program successful. Individually and of the group to discuss the First Step. collectively we have tried through the Reciting the First Step, “We ad- years to be other than what we really mitted we were powerless over alco- are: recovering alcoholics. We have hol – that our lives had become un- found ourselves trying to be counmanageable,” Steve shares with the selors, teachers, psychiatrists, psygroup how he joined AA while doing chologists, lawyers, and bankers time. He knew and admitted he was to name just a few. You name it, an alcoholic, but on his release he we’ve tried it, and it always ended in went back to his old haunts, took up failure – sometimes in disaster. his old ways, and soon was drinking Tom concludes by saying that again. He was busted for parole vio- while many of us have learned to lation and now is back in jail trying to laugh at ourselves, we have never

Security learn to accept the simple fact that he allowed ourselves to forget that we is an alcoholic. Steve asks Roger to say a few are alcoholics. Roger, reflecting, thinks about words. Introducing himself as an al- how Tom had spent most of his adult coholic, Roger shares with the group life behind bars. In recent years Tom his own struggle to get the first words has been a great student of alcohol- At 7:20 PM Roger tonight. Roger turns to enter E wing. of the First Step into his life. Long ism and Alcoholics Anonymous. Even meets Sam and He heads for a small courtroom, after it was evident that he was an al- here, under these circumstances, he Phil, two fellow where he finds twenty inmates anx- coholic, he still tried to change the carries a strong message to other almembers of Alco- iously awaiting him. According to first word of the First Step from coholics. Truly he is a miracle. But holics Anony- regulations, they know that if he fails “We” to “I.” Roger tells how he had then, aren’t we all? mous, and thev to show up they will not be allowed to to get the “I,” the ego, the intellect, The meeting was at a real gut level. enter the confines of the maxim& have a meeting tonight. Roger is out of the way so that he could get the One inmate was sure that he had security section of the county jail. aware that all of the inmates have had “We” into his program, and how found religion and would be saved. Each has undergone a security check to file a form requesting permission, eventually the “We” came to mean Another said that AA was a way into by the sheriff’s department to insure and also be cleared by a psychologist God, you, and me. God working religion for many but was not a relithat they are not wanted felons, and as having an alcohol problem, before through you, enabling me to live a gion in itself. Old Bill said that he was they have been issued personal ID they are permitted to attend. sober, productive, happy life. One al- doing life on the installment plan: tags which enable them to enter and Greetings are exchanged and coholic doing for another what he thirty, sixty, ninety days at a time, leave the premises. promptly at 7:30, Steve, the chair- could never do for himself. and that he was too old to change. Sam and Phil go down the corridor man, calls the meeting to order. It be- The meeting continues. Participa- Compassion for one another was leading to the C and D wings where gins as most AA meetings do: a mo- tion is great. One fellow wants to evident. one group of AAs will be meeting ment of silence followed by the Se- delve into his legal case, but Tom, an- The guard flashed the lights. Roger

noticed it was after nine and thought and Phil, who had led the other meet- “time flies.” Steve announced, ing. Joining them, anxiously wanting “Those who would like, let us join to tell of the beautiful feelings he was hands and say the Lord’s Prayer.” experiencing, and noticing the gleam The meeting ended with more than in Sam’s eyes and the sparkle in twenty voices reciting, “forgive us Phil’s, he said, “What a fantastic our trespasses as we forgive those meeting.” who trespass against us.” “Fantastic,” they repeated, in uni- Roger, leaving the jail on the spiri- son. And Roger knew. . .God had attual high that he often felt after an tended more than one meeting at the AA meeting, hustled down to the cof- county jail that night. fee shop where he was to meet Sam J. E , St. Petersburg, Flu. – Later, after finaKy getting adjusted work-release inmates. We would get to prison life, I started going to the drunk every day after work while AA meetings there. We had a really waiting for the van to come and pick good group and it helped me a lot. us up. I remember coming in so We shared our stories and I saw drunk one day, I could hardly walk. where a lot of people had been dealt a The correctional officers were strip worse hand than I. searching for drugs and weapons that Still, it just wasn’t the same as AA day. How I made it through I still on the street, only because I was ask- don’t know, because two inmates ing for too much and wasn’t working were sent back to major institutions. the program like I could have been. I I was later paroled to my hometown I am a twenty- deaths of my two friends. Still, after began to build up resentment toward in Dothan, Alabama, after serving four-year-old re- knowing what price I was going to the judge, the guards, other inmates, four years and two months. Right covering alcoholic. have to pay, I had AA to lean on and and for some ungodly reason, the vic- away I went back to partying with the Five and a half that I did. I never knew what happi- tims’ families. same old crowd. After four months I years ago while in ness and serenity were before I found After serving a year and a half, I hit bottom once again. One night at a an alcoholic black- AA. And I never would have thought was recommended for work release, nightclub I got into a fight with the out I caused an automobile crash that my family would be so proud of me. and that was protested by all the vic- owner and all . his bouncers. Of killed two of my friends and left Well, about six months later the tim’s families. After that,’ I built up course, I got my tail whipped, and another with brain damage. About a day came when the judge sentenced so much resentment and hate that I was charged with two counts of haweek and a half later I was convinced me to ten years for the murder of my gave up all hope and quit going to AA rassment. ‘I don’t guess I have to tell by an AA member that I had a prob- two friends. It seemed like my whole altogether. I was nothing but a walk- you where I am right now. But both lem with alcohol and that I should world crashed around me. Seeing my ing time bomb. you and I know I wouldn’t be here if I check into a treatment facility. After family and friends in tears and feeling Finally, after serving two years I had worked the program of Alcoholcompleting the program and learning the hate of my lost friends’ families, made it to work release in Mobile, ics Anonymous. Well, I am working of the AA way I discovered a new knowing that I was going to have to Alabama. Of course, I fell right back it now and through God and AA I hope and a new beginning. However, live with this for the rest of my into the party scene. 1 was working will make it. AA will work for you if there was something that I knew I had – . to face a murder indictment for the life, was almost too much for me to handle. for a furniture manufacturing company along with five or six other vou will work for AA. R. C., Houston County Jail, Ala.

July 1989

f

On f b e Skids \ I was born in Hail- myself that I was not going – – to ever eybury. I grew up drink, but within that year I began me how to panhandle. I caught on to drinking. I often wonder what it on Bear Island. I having a rough life. I began drinking the street life fast. It was no fun, takes to scare an alcoholic. was born out of that year and also taking pills. that’s for sure. It was rough. I met The first time I ever went to jail wedlock-the only My grandfather passed away in somebody else who tried to help me was at Brampton, fifteen years ago. I child between mv 1973, and I tried to commit suicide. the best way he could by taking me went to AA meetings in jail, but I was mother and my natural father. M; That’s when I first entered the psychi- out of North Bay. That is when I first not ready to admit that I had a probmother married another man in 1956, atric hospital. After that I became a got on a freight train. I guess you lem. I was fooling around with the so I had five half brothers and one regular there due to alcohol and pills. could say he made a hobo out of me. program, like many cons were. I used half sister. My mother’s husband I moved away from Bear Island in I remember one morning waking up to tell myself it would be party time never did adopt me, though, and I 1975. Went along to North Bay. in the Canadian Pacific Railroad when I got out – and it always was. was raised by my grandparents. Reason why? To do something about yard. My legs were on one side of the So I kept going around in circles for a When I was twelve, my grand- my drinking. Was I ever wrong! I tracks and my waist on the other. I while, in and out. Today I know it’s mother passed away. After she died started to get into more booze. Be- was very fortunate a freight didn’t the alcohol that got me in trouble. my grandfather began drinking a lot. sides that, I hit the skids. I used to come. Today I know it was my Higher Today as I look back on my life, I see I remember when I was twelve telling drink with this person who showed Power watching over me. But at the how sick I was – physically, mentime it did not scare me. I just kept on tally, spiritually. Going back to my

days on the skids, I was very fortu- again. Sometimes I feel like drinking, ment floor, they came to a reddish I wish I could blame it on the nate that I didn’t freeze to death in because I go back to my old ways of brick wall. Halfway up the wall was a woman I loved, but no! That would ‘ the winter. thinking, but I know it is very danger- window the thickness of a Coke bot- be too easy. When I first moved back to North ous for an alcoholic to stay that way tle bottom, its exterior encased by a Think. Bay in 1987, it took me a long time to for too long. Sometimes I wonder steel mesh cover. Was it resentment, passion, jealspeak up in AA meetings. Reason what is keeping me sober, yet I know Was it Hell? ousy? why? I had lied so much to myself and deep down in my heart it is me, Alco- It was snowing. I could not touch it Was it low self-esteem, loss of to other people in my past I was sure holics Anonymous, and my Higher and feel it numb my fingers like so trust, self-pity? no one would believe me and that Power, whom I choose to call God. many times before. Was it fear, or the total loss of my they would hold my past against me. Today I am very grateful, and I was It was raining. 1could not smell the self? Today I am living with the person just thinking about the old cliche, natural and multiple aromas it pro- What brought me to this abyss of who taught me how to survive on the “Once an alcoholic, always an alco- duced as new life seeped into the dry my life, with death just on the other streets. But, to be honest, I don’t holic. . .” How very true. land. side of the door? want to go back to that kind of life Diana l?, Bear Island, Ont. It was windy. I could not let it blow It was all of these feelings, but through my hair or hear it moving much, much more. through the trees. There is something much more Now it was sunny. The rays were powerful than I, and 1 am powerless unable to nourish my flesh. under its spell. Alcohol. What brought me here? John R., Canon City, Colo.

To Our Sponsors My brothers and We must band together’and help

JPOWERLESSI I woke up in a I turned my head to see, within my sisters in AA, I cannot stress how important it is to the inmates of this correctional facility for our outside sponsors to particithe others who wish relief from this terrible affliction. Not only will the recovering alcoholic receive peace and serenity from helping another suffering alcoholic, but that person will also be beneficial in returning place staring at a reach, silver bars made of four-gauge pate in our sobriety, not only while those suffering alcoholics to society blue pastel ceiling steel. The skin about my wrists still we are here, but when we are released – sane, sober, and responsible to made of steel with bore indentations halfway around to go back into society. maintain a normal life. a 40-watt bulb where the handcuffs once lay. Only through the love and under- This letter is dedicated to ohr sponplaced in its center. Beyond the bars was another wall standing of AA unity will we be able sors, who give so freely of their time The air was damp and cool and car- of bars. to survive and maintain our sanity, as and love. ried the aroma of stale cigarettes. As my eyes traced across the ce- I well as our sobriety. Ken C., Monroe, Wash.

August I990 killed another inmate. I was drunk on agencies, who had had the pimp prison-made “hooch.” For that under surxeillance for some time. crime I got another ten years added to There was a shootout. My partner my sentence. My life was truly over was wounded, and we finally gave now, 1 thought. up, after running out of ammunition. Realizing my dilemma – which The judge told me I was lucky the was getting out – 1 began the trek man I’d killed was a pimp, that we through the courts. I appealed my hadn’t robbed and killed a “citizen.” original conviction. I wrote my own So, to Huntsville, for a term of writs. 1 studied law books. 1 went to “five years, on condition of good beschool classes and got quite a bit of havior.” During that time, in that hell college-level training. Finally, a judge hole, 1 made a decision. Never again modified my sentences, and I was would jail see my face. I’d die first. released, free and clear, in January Even then it never occurred to me – of 1976. 1 had only felt the nip of that maybe my drinking was my

The Enemy the wringer. enemy. Society was my problem. I I’d gone in a scared twenty-one- was just trying to make it. Didn’t year-old. I came out a very dangerous “they” understand? Of course, I had

I Never Knew twenty-nine-year-old. I had hate and no idea then who “they” were. bitterness. I was drunk a few hours I got out in 1981.1 never went back after I got out and l ~tayeddrank for to jail again. I had gained “smarts.” four months, meandering from state I was slick and mean at age 34. I had to state with my prison cellmate from spent my entire adult life in chain Georgia. He was vicious and mean gangs and was truly insane. In 1983, I have been in AA eligible to get out in about ten years. when he drank – a perfect match. By I got married and settled down somefor two-and-a-half At twenty-one, my life appeared to be then we were wanted in several states what. I drank and used, and manyears. To say my over. But it wasn’t. I found out it for robbery and other crimes. We’d aged to work, and I guess things were life has changed was just the beginning. And I found stolen countless cars. We had hurt better then. My wife was a horribly would be an un- out that,my alcoholism would be the many people in that four-month addicted alcoholic and my drinkderstatement of motivating force for most of what I odyssey of insanity. And it brought ing buddy. the first magnitude. Twenty-one was to do. us to a bar in Texas. New Year’s Eve, 1987, and the years ago, at age twenty-one, I stood Things went from bad to really We observed a pimp doing business wheels fell off. After a thirty-eightin front of a judge in Georgia, and bad. Prison life was stark and ter- and 1 saw he had a lot of money. I day drunk, 1 ended up in a detox heard him sentence me to forty-five rible. We were beaten, badly fed, and told my partner to lure him out in facility. I had been beaten up badly in years at hard labor, for the crime of worked unmercifully. Only the strong the alley on a ruse. When they got a motorcycle accident. 1 wanted to aggravated robbery. In an alcohol- survived, and I had become deter- out there, I shot the pimp to death. die. On the first night in that detox, I induced frenzy, I had seriously in- mined to survive. We had booze and Without any words, I put a gun to his went to my first meeting of Alcoholjured a man while robbing him. drugs inside, and I used and drank all head and pulled the trigger. We took ics Anonymous. A man named Dan I was sent to the state prison, and 1 could whenever I could. Four years $2,200, a quantity of cocaine, and his twelfth-stepped me. Since that night began serving my sentence. With time later, in 1972, booze got me again. In car. A mile down the road we were in that “zoo,” I have never drunk or off for “good behavior,” I would be a fight over a $2.70 poker debt, I captured by several different police used again.

I have since remarried a wonderful the daily peace I never knew for all pable of even admitting to myself woman, with twice as much sobriety those years. My Higher Power guides that I did want to live. Thank you as me. I work with others. I do the my thoughts and actions. I have never God and A4 for loving me and giving ‘ suggested program, daily. My life is felt so complete. The past will never me the strength that I so very much good now. I teach at a local college go away but I look at how it is now. special children. needed. I’m alive and sober and gratein, ironically, the Criminal Justice Department. I am a professional That helps. In my daily affairs I make an attempt to deal with me, the real Eachofwhar ful today. Some meetings today are quiet, sowriter, as well. I am comfortable with me,. for the first time in my over 40 enemy that I never knew existed for all those years. And life has bespecial nee&. bering ones. I also enjoy the friendly ones and am grateful for those where years. I know the bad side, and I am come gentle. We can learn, we we can’t stop giggling. I feel the rainenjoying the good side. A4 gives me Mike 19, Sun Diego, Calif. bows and have help from friends and can chaye” seek strength through my Higher Power. I denied him in prison but and over in my head until I chose the thankfully he was always here. The road of insanity or committed suicide. God I had known would punish me I did not want to die but I would for the tragedies 1 have caused. I . ., I

The Zx’ Factor have injected the fatal solution or tightened the straps on the chair or whatever it took for the wrongs to be right. couldn’t forgive myself – how could a God forgive me? But today my God does forgive. Sometimes we don’t believe, we just fake it till we make it Instead, I woke up to four years in and this powel: takes care of us anystate prison. I still have the picture of way, in spite of ourselves. Prison. For me prison for vehicular manslaughter I I me taken there. I keep it just in case I I couldn’t smile when I was in that word used didn’t have any choices left. think about drinking again. The pain prison. Yet a friend told me tonight t o mean deep, I never meant to hurt anyone. Yet was very real, very alive in my face that she called to hear my tinkling deep shame. It was as a consequence of this deadly dis- and in my haunted eyes. The death of laughter. Today people mention my ‘

so unmentionable ease, I was told by a police officer my body and spirit was imminent. smile. There are days when I even that it took me that I had killed someone. I still re- But there is a way out of that snake laugh at myself. three and a half years to admit and member the officer’s face, as he pit; prisons have gates; and alcoholics Prison? It doesn’t scare me anyaccept that I am an ex-con. Now I can yelled at me, “Do you know what can stay sober by the grace of God more. I am grateful for the time. Tolook at the word and say it out loud you have done?” and the Fellowship of Alcoholics day, ex-con stands for extra-special y d really see those first two letters – The horror was that I did not Anonymous. God makes us all spe- and extraordinary. ex. It used to sound like an axe cut- know, my worst nightmare come cial children. Each of us has special All I’ve yet to accomplish in my life ting through the wind. I remember true. I was a blackout drinker. I needs. We can learn, we can change. will be dedicated to God. Because of ex-husbands, ex-jobs, excesses – all drank to get drunk, to make the We learn at different times, with dif- all of man’s laws and everything I fearful, angry, disappointing things. world go away, to blot out the tears I ferent methods, different teachers, know in my head, 1 should be dead Always painful. didn’t or couldn’t cry. Then I drank different classrooms. My learning today, just like the man I killed..And I drank until the pain of living was because I could not stop drinking. has meant staying sober and knowing I do believe that that man walks with just too much. I was afraid to live and I think today that it’s a blessing I the reality of a solid foundation for me and understands why I needed to afraid to die. .Today I have choices. was in a blackout during the accident; living “out here.” learn to laugh. When I was sentenced to four years in I would have replayed that video over l n m y early sobriety, I was inca- Gloria S.. Sacramento. Calif-

August 1990

Sober Resalitv After one year and used to keep me at bay. I was explor- I The chairperson were faced with similar situations in called for order meetings outside the walls. But I marwhile some twenty veled, too, at the member who’d of the eighty mem- challenged the chairman’s attitude eight months of ing new ways to enjoy my life, and it bers present de- – he seemed free and unafraid. In sobriety. I had was all going the way I thought it manded the micro- prison, a remark like this could trigto go to court. ought to. About six weeks before 1 phone. Suddenly a man with a bull- ger a beating or a “shank” in the That morning as I was sentenced I got the job I had been horn voice shouted above the din. back the next day in the prison yard. got out of bed I waiting for. Now everything was per- “Mister Chairman, I don’t like But thiswasn’t a normal prison situal thought if I called and said I was sick fect. God had looked out for me. your attitude!” He wasn’t joking. tion. These were AAs. I could postpone it again. The date What else did I need? A sudden hush descended. Then Before coming to the Hope Group for sentencing had been put off nu- On Friday, October 20, 1989, I was the chairperson called on members to as guest speaker, I’d wanted to shrink merous times by the lawyers and each standing before the judge waiting for give their views on the subject under back from the invitation. But my time,was a relief. him to tell me what street my life discwsion: how to deal with nonalco- sponsor said, “When you’re asked I .had made some mistakes while would take for the next few years. I holic addicts and the dually addicted. to do something in AA, it’s good drinking that I still had to pay for. I couldn’t believe it when he gave me It wasn’t an unusual topic. What was for your sobriety. The more you thought of running but I had been seven years. After all the changing I unusual was that the debate took place don’t want to d o it, the’more good running all my life. That was always had done. How could it have h a p inside UCI – the Union Correctional it’ll do you.” ,. the easy way. I was willing for once to pened that way? Where was God? He Institution, a close custody prison for To my surprise, this prediction had go to any length to stay sober – or just didn’t understand. men at Raiford, Florida. -It was a always proved to be true. But as a set was I? I had been going to meetings, I am still in jail and still sober. I’m regular business meeting of the Hope of monster steel doors shut behind speaking, making coffee, helping my continuing to grow. I still attend AA Group of Alcoholics Anonymous. me, I wondered if this time would be home group, and hanging out with meetings, I try to help those who As one of five “sponsors” (really, the first failure in that 100 percent the winners. I felt I was growing. My seem to want it, and each day is still group members) from AA on the out- record. I’d expected a melodious. relationship with my girlfriend was better than the days of my drinking. I side, I was fairly new to prison meet- clang, but this was a deep, seemingly the best I ever had. I was still looking have the same sober freedom that ings. Yet I marveled at the chairman’s irrevocable, thud. for the right job, but I was working every recovering AA person has when no-big-deal response to the man Turning to Bob, the man who’d until i found it. they are sober. I guess I am willing to who’d yelled at him earlier. This in- , invited me, I asked, “What if there’s . I still had hard times, but I was go to any length to stay sober and free. mate had acted with more maturity a riot while we’re in here?” free, free from those old bonds that Keith B., Linden, N.J. than some veteran AAs I’d seen who “I’ve done time in this prison my-

J*.

self,” he said, “and 1’ve learned that supported this evolution, It’s so prof- Tradition just as much as the AA who After attending the Hope Group a it’s impossible to organize a riot ex- itable for my sobriety to be involved permits his name to appear in the few times, I noticed a meeting going cept when a large number of men can in the Hope Group that I’ve made it press in connection with matters per- on nearby. I asked one of my new get together. The inmates’ schedule is my second home group, and I am the taining to AA.” A new habit for me, friends about it. George is an AA such that this could happen only dur- present recording secretary. then, is to give my last name at all with nineteen years of sobriety. He ing daytime hours.” He pointed at Many things especially impress me: closed meetings, inside and out. said, “Oh, that’s the orientation the twilight sky. “Of course, there’s a First, there is the language. I have Another thing that impresses me is meeting. New men must attend two remote danger of bodily harm, but it never heard an inmate utter even one the respect the men demonstrate consecutive meetings before they can won’t come from the AAs. They’d word of profanity or vulgarity. In toward the outside women in the join the big meeting.” defend you against other inmates.” contrast, I very rarely find a meetinp group and those who come to speak. “What goes on there?” I asked. Defend me? Such a possibility was outside the prison which is not punc- Not the phony, condescending kind “The beginners are taught their beyond my comprehension then. tuated by a few cusswords. Some visit- shown by the hero of a Western group responsibilities.” Today, though, I know +several in- ing AAs start out at UCI cussing, but movie to the heroine, but a genuine What happened at a recent anni,mates well enough to be certain it’s this tapers off and stops if they keep respect for a fellow alcoholic. versary banquet showed me how this true. They’ve become such good coming back. I was one of these. Respect overflowed when Linda, sense of responsibility pays off. Norfriends, I’d risk my own safety to The second thing that impresses me the group’s pert, pretty inside spon- mally, the regular prison cooks predefend them. is the orderly flow of business meet- sor and staff substance abuse counse- pare the special food brought in for The four years since that first visit ings. My experience on the outside is lor, left UCI after four years. After the banquet. But a last-minute have been filled with surprises for me. that such meetings start with an ear- thoughtful words and a lot of kidding change meant that neither the cooks First of all, I’d imagined that working nest intent to follow Roberts’ Rules from group membeis, she spoke and nor the kitchen would be available. the program would be easier since the of Order, but this somehow dissolves I noticed tears trickling down the Undaunted, the AAs simply pitched temptation of alcohol is absent. Rut in the heat of debate or the desire cheeks of many rugged faces. This is in and cooked everything on an outalthough no booze from the outside to go home. Imagine then a group true dignity, I thought: being worthy, door grill near the meeting hall. More . gets into the prison, there is “buck,” where business meetings follow par- and knowing it. than 100 dinners were served, on a homemade moonshine, which is liamentary procedures from begin- The final area of special excellence time, and the meal was delicious. often available even’ though prison ning to end. That’s the way it is at the is responsibility to the group. It’s “Delicious” is a good word for the rules prohibit its manufacture. And Hope Group. popular to seek office and to do the feelings of strength and hope I’ve how about compulsory AA atten- Then there is the use of first and job well – a heritage handed down received as a member of the Hope dance? Wrong. Wise prison officials last names. This may seem in viola- through generations of group ser- Group. Maybe your AA life would be have made sure all AA participation tion of our Eleventh Tradition, but it vants. There are eighteen (yes, eigh- enriched, too, if you experienced is voluntary. But wouldn’t the meet- is the very thing our co-founders teen) elected officers, none a.hollow- firsthand what goes on in a group ings be somber affairs? Well, the urged us all to do with other AAs. Dr. title post, and no one stands for re- which meets in a closecustody prison. laughter and good-natured kidding Bob had this to say: “If I got up and election. At elections, nominations If you do that, I have a word of and real joy equal or surpass what’s gave my name as Dr. Bob S., people are made from the floor from a list of caution. Never call the ,AA members found in outside meetings. who needed help would have a hard sixty to seventy-five men whom the “prisoners” unless you want to be The best surprises, though, have time getting in touch with me.” steering committee has certified as regarded as an AA with little faith. been certain Hope G ~ O U D ~ractices. This quote is found in Dr. Bob and qualified to run (criteria: sobriety Many of them consider themselves Since its founding in 194$ this m o u ~ the Good Oldtimers, which noes on date, attendance, active participation to be free – through God’s grace has continuously developed excei- ‘ to say, “The AA who hides his iden- in meetings, and previous office and AA – even though they’re still lence by learning from its mistakes, tity from his fellow AA by using only held). It’s normal for two or three behind bars. and the prison administration has a given name violates the [Eleventh] candidates to run for each office. VieM., St. Augustine, Flu.

August 1990

f,

on release, which turns into some- and the way you fellows talked, so I TheOnly Hands thing not so little and goes on into a got myself to a group.. .” I walk bender which is terminated only by away feeling ten feet tall. All the distheir arrest for a crime they may not appointments, the heartbreaks, the , even remember committing or plan- letdowns have been worthwhile. And ning! And of course they never get to bring myself back to earthsfrom around to trying AA until it is too late. cloud nine I have to remember that But occasionally something truly only God (as I understand him) can . wonderful happens. It may come at get an alc~holicsober. And yet, did an out-of-town meeting or a conven- not St. Augustine observe that ours I was k n t to pris- had the same problems, had used the tion when a fellow says, “Hello, are the only hands God has? ‘.; . on in 1967 when I same excuses and rationalizations, Peter, remember me?” I reply “I Prison work took more out of me had b,een in AA for about two told the same lies. The only difference was that I had my two years’ experi- sure do, but I disremember where it than anything’elseever has exCept was.” So he tells me. Maybe he didn’t alcohol! It has put back more than years. My sponsor ence of free sober living behind me, quite get the message and had an- anything else ever has – except AA. sent me. He said it and for many of them a contented other try at controlled drinking, “but Prison sponsors will understand: ‘ ‘ would be good for me. , sober life seemed a beautiful but 1 couldn’t forget those AA meetings Peter M., Birmingham, England Good for me? A middle-aged, hopeless dream. middle-class clerk who hardly knew a I learned never to “will” a man to hard-boiled man from a hard-boiled make it because he seemed to have so egg and would not have said “boo” much going for him; never to judge a ‘to a well-built goose? But I went – man’s chances of making it on the because my sponsor and a few other outside. The unlikeliest have often ,old-timers had finally obtained per- done so and confounded all predicmission to open a group in our local tions. No judging, no guessing, no prison here in Birmingham, and they despairing – just carry the message. would.be in need of support. And I .I learned that some men will only hadjenormous faith in my sponsor speak at the end of a,long awkward and in the Fellowship of AA. , silence, so if no such silence is ever He was right: it was good for me. I allowed to develop they never say learned so much in the prison atmo- what they are really feeling: they sphere that I would not have learned simply cannot. It takes time for it to in ordinary meetings. I soon realized well up from the depths. that most prisoners are not the tough Sadly, only a proportion of prisonguys they feel it necessary to appear. ers can bring themselves to see that Prison b a pretty macho place and a drink is their real problem. It is so man must try to keep up appear- easy, once we have been dried out, to ances, unless he really is tough and believe that the wi fe/judge/welfare can let his reputation speak for him. officer/doctor/boss have all got it But most of the men in the group wrong. The next time will be differturned out to be just like me. They ent. So they have a little celebration

* .r July 1991

drug treatment center. One of the counselors gave me a written test and at once toldme I should be aware of the fact I was an alcoholic. I was in- The mmm 6th credulous and informed her there was no possibility; I was completely in control of my life. I thought this woman was not well trained if she couldn’t see how I really was. Sure, I of my l@ that fight was a heavy drinker -but that was all. Shortly after that first AA meeting, I began to study the Twelve Steps. In fore that what I went through then was reading the Steps, I felt sure I had long withdrawal from prescription drugs. ago accomplished all of them, and Of course I was alcoholic. o f couke readily told everyone around me. I was I had become addicted to those pain

Alive Again not fully convinced, however; Step number one bothered me, and I began to think about it. I remember vividly the meeting killers in the hospital. The discovery was a relief. Maybe in the depths of my subconscious I always knew or at least was dimly suspicious. But actuwhen Bill, our venerable leader, gently ally knowing was comforting. led me to understand how much I I am not sure when the change start- I had been in pris- didn’t hesitate. I briefly told of my really did drink, how I must have ed; at first it was so unobtrusive it was on for six months agony at being convicted of a crime 1 been out of control. This led me to hardly noticed. A few months ago, I before I attended did not commit, of being sentenced to go back through my life in great de- became aware I was looking forward an AA meeting. I life plus thirty-five years. I related my tail, from the first time I had a drink to going to bed at night, enjoying the went there with a story of my long belief in and success of liquor until the day I was arrested. thought of a good night’s sleep. The friend, knowing with the Lord. I also told of the con- In doing this, I saw a definite trend, mornings had become glorious with well they served the best coffee on the trol I had of my life. I was certainly one I could not deny. I realized for the joy of being alive. A walk around yard. I got my fill of coffee that eve- no alcoholic! the first time my drinking had gradu- the yard with the first cup of coffee, ning, but I got something else that I Before finishing, I looked around ally increased over the years, and my watching the sun rise, was mind-bognever expected. the room and became aware that control had likewise diminished. This gling. Food was tasting better. I was From the moment I stepped inside thirty men, convicts like me, suffer- self-analysis also led me to under- reaching out to the less fortunate. I the door of the meeting room and ing like me, were keenly aware of stand my drug addiction, starting discovered a new direction in my life saw the warm smiles of welcome, I every word I uttered. The concern of during those long months when I was – writing. I looked forward to the knew something momentous had those members of AA changed the a patient in a burn center and catered task with enthusiasm. An evening entered my life. I listened intently direction of my life that night. I have to in the interminable period awaiting on the ballfield track watching the to each convict speak on the subject been a steady member ever since. trial in thecounty jail. I finally under- setting sun was almost more than I of turning his life over to a Higher Of course, it. was not long before I stood the cause of that horrible period could handle. 1 had never felt better Power. Being a lifelong Christian, began to wonder if I really was an in the prison reception center when I in my life. I was alive! 1 was alive! I this Step Three was something I could alcoholic. I thought back to the time was locked up alone with no pain-kill- was alive! .. speak on as well as anyone, and I years before when my son was in a ing drugs. I had never recognized be- Rex M., Lexington, Okla.

July 1 9 9 1

to leave my keys with her – they were Gary had been in AA for a while. connected to a red penknife. “But somewhere along the line I lost I took a plastic seat in the waiting my will power,” he said, adding that area, about ten feet from a large, he wanted to start working the procoffee-colored metal door leading to gram again. “I’m not a bad kid, and I the cells and the meeting room. The don’t like being in jail,” he said. door carried a stenciled sign: “Jail-: Roy was next, an amputee with his , Restricted Area.” I felt relief when left leg missing from above the knee. an AA member named ~andyjarriveli He had tied the left leg of his blue _ a5TSaTfieKad– b e e ~ t ~ G i & a l O t h e _ rpants into a tight knot that he played meetings at the jail. “That’s more with while he spoke, trying to loosen than me,” I told him. “I sugg& it. Roy said he had a number of years’ you . F experience in the AA program. He Surrenderinu – = – – – –

-electronic command from spoke with a firm, expressive voice the woman, the metal doors rumbled and a lot of confidence. open, admitting Randy and me to a Roy said he was trying to think of

the Distance small passageway. The door closed someone he knew who was important behind us, and an identical one rzm- – a judge or other official – who bled open on the other side of the could get him out of jail. “Then I p a s m g b w e a male guard met realized I don’t know anyone imporus and led the way to e g tant,'” he said with a laugh. “1 d o r o o w o n e in the room, know my Higher Power, so I thought and when he closed the door, I no- I’d ask him, figuring he might say, ticed there was no door knob onour you out,’ or maybe, The other night, a setting would do me good. I said yes. side. After a few minutes, another ‘Y6u’re supposed to be in here.”‘ fellow AA member I arrived alone at the jail that night guard ushered three men into ‘the That ~ r o u g n tKoy a measure or selencalled to ask if and took an elevator to the third floor. room. They wore tan sandals and ~ w r “I figure e thought: I would help lead When I got to the waiting area, I blue clothing. every day 1wake up here means this is a meeting at the looked through thick glass to a strong- Bandv q x a e d d e meeting with a where I am supposed to be today. county iail the fol- hold presided over by a uniformed moment of sil- the Serenity And you know what? 1 had a pretty lowing evening. His cafi came on a woman, which included a bank of Prayer. He asked me to read from good day today.” day when I had tried and failed to sixteen black-and-white television a a p t e r five of-the Big Book. “Rarely Paul, a tall, powerful man in his educate the local newspaper cartoon- monitors that changed their views of nave we seen sa – late twenties, lounged on the other ist on an issue involving my employer, the jail every second. The woman slid tliirroughlv f o ~ our path.”. . I side of Roy. Paul spoke softly, his and I feared I would soon star in an- a piece of paper to me beneath the b’efl- long legs stretched out in front of other of his blasts at the company. I window. I scanned and signed it casu- wcriaS coming out of my mouth. him. “Every time I drink, I end up in felt angry, afraid, and tired. Part of ally, but that was not how I felt. It Gary spoke first. He was slim, with here,” he said. “If 1 get out, 1want to me balked at the request from AA, said I could not sue if anything- hap- dark hair, and looked about thirty try staying sober.” – years old. The tops of his jail clothes As Gary, Roy, and Paul told their thinking it came at a bad time. The pened to me in the jail, and my eyes rest of me knew the connection to m i t h e phrase “potentially hostik were a darker blue than the bottoms, stories, I forgot to worry about what alcoholics in a new and challenging environment.^ asked T e which were too short for his legs? 1 would say when my turn came. The f

blue clothing, the tan sandals, and the sentment. guards walking past the windows – I connected with Gary’s statement, that all slipped away. Instead, I saw because I have tried to use my will the faces come in and out of focus, power in many situations and wonhonesty and emotion flashing and fad- dered how I “lost” it. My own expeing with different words or thoughts. rience, like his, is that when I depend I felt a thread connecting us across on my own will power, I end up in the bare meeting room. places I don’t like to be. He remind- The thread grew stronger as I let go ed me that I don’t have to live that of my fear and allowed myself to way anymore. know deeply this thought: The alco- At a signal from the guard, Randy holism I share with these men creates a concluded the meeting. Following connection more real than any of our prior orders, we did not join hands for differences. When my mind strayed the Lord’s Prayer. We stood in a close to the externals, a silent phrase gently circle, with our hands to our sides. brought me back: “Forget ail this We chatted for a few minutes while and connect.” waiting for the guard to come in and When it came my turn to speak, I open the doors. He admitted Randy followed up on Gary’s comment about having lost his will power. I remembered the Big Book saying and me to a passageway between the two coffee-colored metal doors, and when the second door rumbled open, SELF-WILL I RUNRIOT something about will power, and we walked back to the waiting area. found it on page 85, preceded by the We stepped out of the jail into a clear, statement that we have a daily re- cool evening, an hour before sunset. prieve contingent on the maintenance Before going home, I drove to the of our spiritual condition. The book parking lot of a church and sat in the My husband and I beer into the back of our truck and suggests that we take one thought car, thinking about the meeting. I had been separat- stated, “I quit drinking.” . with us always: “How can I best serve knew that levels of will power were ed a few months It was pure hell for me for some Thee -Thy will (not mine) be done.” not what separated me from Gary, when we decided time. The withdrawals and the crav- It continues, “We can exercise our Roy, and Paul. All that separated us to give it one more ings were agonizing. I knew the Serenwill power along this line all we wish. were two coffee-colored metal doors. try after many pre- ity Prayer and must have prayed it a It is the proper use of the will.” The connection I experienced with vious attempts. Both of us being hundred times a day. Occasionally I What AA promises is that I do not these men was my most important active alcoholics, our marriage was a would go to an AA meeting, but even- . need enough will power to stop drink- gift from the meeting. It lifted me out rocky road from the beginning. This tually I didn’t go at all because I being. I just need enough will power of my fears about the local cartoon- last time I had moved out of state. I gan doing so well on my own self-will. to turn to a Higher Power of my un- ist. It made me grateful for my free- was thirty-nine years old at the time. Why bother? I thought the meetings derstanding for help. I do not need dom, and grateful that I do not have As we packed up my things and head- were great for those who needed the enough will power to pray for the to rely on something as shaky as my ed back home, we started to drink help, but I didn’t need it. I was holdlocal cartoonist. I just need enough own will power to stay away from nonstop. But when we crossed the ing down a good job, longer than to ask God to help me pray for him, places I don’t want to be. state line, I threw my opened can of any job I’d ever had in my life. My and to please remove my fear and re- L. E., Casper, Wyo.

three daughters – then sixteen, eigh- jail, I was told my husband had been teen, and twenty-one – were proud shot and I was under arrest for firstof their mother for a change. I was on degree murder. I couldn’t believe cloud nine. this was happening, but I saw blood However, my husband was con- on my jeans and there were bruises stantly telling me I couldn’t be an on my body. alcoholic or I couldn’t have stayed I had been out on bond less than a sober so long. He accused me over week when I got a visit from a lady I’d and over of just not wanting to have never met. She asked me if I’d like fun with him anymore. I was deter- her to act as my temporary sponsor. I

Then another recovering alcoholic I am twenty-three “graduating” I was allowed to stay asked if I wanted to attend an AA years old and I on the unit. While I was in the treatmeeting with her. I really thought all have had twen- ment program I met a fellow alcoholic I had been out on bond of this was senseless. What good ty months sober. by the name of Tony. We hadn’t really Fourteen of these talked much until after our compleless than a week when could any of it do now? But I went. The stranger who was my temporary months were spent tion of the program. Tony was given I p t a &tjiom a sponsor is no longer a stranger and she is still my sponsor. I began workon the street, the last six in the federal seventeen years to do and next to my penitentiary. When I self-surrendered thirty months it really put things in. lady I’d never met. ing the Steps and I will never forget Step Three and the spiritual experisix months ago for crimes committed perspective. His acceptance of the during my drinking, I couldn’t have time he was given truly amazed me. ence I had as I turned my will and life held on any tighter to the principles I I am writing this at 10:OO AM on a over to the care of God as I under- was taught in this program, not to Saturday. We just finished our Saturstand him. mention my Higher Power. day morning meeting which is what ‘ My trial came up in August 1989, Well, I’ve come a long way since inspired me to write. I realize that tmnporay sponsor and the jury found me guilty of man- that first day. During the first month every AA meeting has its own personslaughter and sentenced me to seven of my incarceration I was in three ality. I wanted to share with other years in the women’s state prison in different institutions. alcoholics the melting pot of personmined to show my husband a good Arkansas. I am still incarcerated. At the end of that first month it alities that makes up our meetings time and get drunk with him – even I have continued to work my pro- was getting more difficult to maintain here. Not only d o we cover six or though after years of constant drink- gram, to read the Big Book, and pray any semblance of sanity amid the seven different states, and range from ing, blackouts, waking up in strange and meditate daily. I’m active in the negativity and chaos going on around black to white to red, but the indiplaces, even losing my children to AA meetings we have here. 1no longer me. But by the grace of God, the in- vidual personalities and their backfoster care at one time, 1.knew I was rely on my own self-will. My self-will stitution I am now in offers four AA grounds are something in themselves. an alcoholic. So on April 30, 1989, ended in a tragedy that affected many meetings a week. One of our members has lost an after being dry for eighteen months, I lives. I rely on my Higher Power This institution also offered atreat- arm due to his drug use. Another is drove to the liquor store. whom I choose to call God. I still say ment program and even though I facing seventeen years, still another I can hardly remember anything we the Serenity Prayer daily but when I haven’t relapsed I fought like hell to twenty-two years. Another arrives at did that night. I remember us dancing say it now I do it with earnestness get into it. I was finally beginning every meeting faithfully despite havtogether and I remember us fighting. and understanding. There is a power to accept that this is where I would ing only ten percent of one lung and My next recollection was of being greater than ourselves. I be spending the next thirty months. being confined to an oxygen tank and questioned by police officers at the Janice E , Pine Bluff, Ark. After completing six weeks and a wheelchair. Every economic and –

social class is represented, every walk One of the first meetings I attended the door slam and saw that Steve had weren’t accepted by our peers in high of life – from the wealthy to the hew was a speakers meeting with left the booth. I ran outside after him school. We had no direction, no guidpoor. Our ranks include the doctor, forty or fifty People. When all was and he said, “I’ll be right back.” ance. Today, ten years after my the retired colonel, the homosexual, through 1heard someone start to play Well, I hoped so – I’d just been friend took his own life, I sit here and the politician, and the mentally ill. the piano. As I stopped to figure out thrown out of my house for the ump- think it could have been me. Many Whenever I look around me at one what song was being played, three teenth time and had no place to sleep. times I wanted to join Steve, to get of our meetings, I can’t help but feel others began singing “Lean On Me.” And it was cold out. away from the pain. some gratitude. The AA magic is alive I got a bit misty-eyed – it was im- But he never did come back. Two But later in life, I got the direction and well – even here. I, Iike many possible not to. hours passed and I ended up with and guidance and love as well as the others, certainly never came to prison Like 1 said, AA magic is alive and a guy named Bill and a couple of acceptance that I needed. When I in order to make friends. But these well – especially here. friends. We went out to get some- found this group they called AA, I things happened in spite of myself. Chris C., Rochester, Minn. thing to eat and drove by Steve’s found out that life can get better one house to see if he had gotten home day at a time. Even though I’m doing safely. His van was there and every- five to fifteen, I could be doing six thing looked safe and sound. I spent feet under. I have the help of a sponthe night at Bill’s place. sor, as well as a counselor and two When I woke up the next day, Bill chaplains at the prison. They all was gone. To this day I don’t know showed me that everybody makes how I found out, but someone got mistakes, nobody is perfect. And, hold of me and told me, “Steve blew thankfully, when we learn our lesson,

Real ProbIems his head off last night.” Just like there will always be places like the’ that. That rang through me – “blew Fellowship of AA to help us. his head off.” The same gun he had This is a true story. The names put in some other guy’s mouth, he weren’t changed to protect the innoput into his own – and left me no cent – they’re all dead or in prison answers why (but today I know why). because of the use and abuse of the Back in 1980 I was have words with him. I went dong to Steve was eighteen years old when juice. Real life – real problems. running wild with back Steve up but I couldn’t tell you he died. Both of us had felt unloved Prison isn’t like “Hogan’s Heroes.” my friend Steve. what the argument was about. Steve and unwanted by our families. We A. E., Coxsackie,N.X He was my family had just bought a shotgun ancj he put and I was his. We the barrel of the shotgun in this guy’s were big guys, mouth. He was about to pull the trig- Steve a 250.pound karate expert and ger but changed his mind. AS we me a 250-pound Irish street fighter. drove away, the guy was as pale as We were so-called tough guys, both a ghost. of us bitter, crazy, and drunk most of We kept drinking,.and SteVppulled the time. his van over to the side of the road at One cold December night, we were one point to pass out for 4 while. drunk and carrying on. Steve was Then we went’ to our bar mad at some guy who was staying at where Stevejust sat in the b004 drinkhis house and decided he wanted to ing. I was playing pool wheo ] heard

September 1991

world, I asked Reed how he thought our feedback. Our meetings were al- I might be accepted in meetings on ways lively because everyone was exthe outside. pected to participate. My ideas had as “Why don’t you just come and much merit as anyone’s, and though see,” he said. “In fact, if you come to you didn’t always get your way, you , our meeting on your first night out, did always have a voice. one of us who has been coming here As I stayed sober and stayed out of will be there to meet you.” prison, I became friends with Reed. The next week, the authorities re- I eventually became a GSR for my leased me, not to the penitentiary in group and got to watch Reed and Texas, but to the state parole board, other AA leaders as they demonstratand after a busy day of signing papers, ed how to be trusted servants. One of finding a job and a place to live, I the most valuable qualities they taught went to the meeting place that Reed me was how to listen. Even though had spoken about. I was scared and many of them had been involved in alone as I climbed the stairs. Since no service for a long, long time, and had one knew about my release, I hadn’t probably heard most everything bebeen able to set up a contact with any- fore, they were clear that even though one. But as I stepped into the room at one group might have solved the probthe top of the stairs, the first person I lem in the past, each new group had saw was Reed. to arrive at its own solutions in its I was so nervous, I said, “1 don’t own time. Though these AA leaders suppose you remember me?” all had different styles, they operated He took my hand and with a big from common principles. They trustsmile said, “Of course I do, Don. ed the process and the people and Come on in.” passed this trust on to me. In thinking back, I now know that One fellow i remember particularly Reed was what I consider to be an was another man named Don. When AA leader. I had come to trust him he served as area chair, he would and to believe him. He was regular stand at the podium during our often and consistent. When it was time to heated discussions, gently guiding us be somewhere, he was there. You to keep our comments on the subject could count on him. at hand, yet always allowing for full Reed served on committees, was discussion. He insisted that we be . area chair, area delegate, and a true responsible for the decisions that elder statesman. He often spent time were made, and with great patience around the coffee tables listening and he would coax the group conscience talking. He always shared his experi- out of us bit by bit. How often he ence and solicited ours. He had plenty would stand before us and say, of ideas for better ways to serve the “What is your pleasure?”, “How do I Fellowship and he listened intently to you want to do this?” or “What d o

you think?” and as a group we would Conference committees which de- me that 1 should stand nonetheless so have to figure out where we were most needed one, putting the good of fined what an open meeting was and the Fellowship first. that there would be enough people 1 going and then determine how best to what a closed meeting was. The Con- from which the assembly could make get there. While Don’s great strength As I reflect on the abundance of ference itself seemed to be split into good leaders I have known in my a fair choice, and that the only qualilay in helping to facilitate the group three factions over this statement: fication I needed was a willingness to conscience, at the same time, if he felt twenty-three years in AA, I can identhose who wanted the statement to tify several qualities they all had, and listen and the time needed to do the strongly about something he would be Conference-approved, those who job. The job would teach me, he said, always speak up. my friend Reed embodied many of wanted no statement at all, and those those qualities. He was a spiritual if I would just show up and listen. Some years after Don had rotated who wanted a statement that could be Reed always said yes to AA. He: off the area committee and I was area man. He believed in God and he beused by such groups as needed it but lieved that given time God would was happy to do the big jobs, and yet chairperson, we had the unfortunate which would not be construed as “ex- he was equally happy doing the less experience of having a committee reveal himself through our group conclusive” or be used to keep people out science. He was never rude, but he glamorous jobs. He was not always chairperson abscond with some of the of AA meetings. The debate went on right, and would be the first to tell area funds. After all the facts were in, was always willing to share his views for hours. The wording of the two and. .. … – ex~eriencesif asked. Reed be- you so, but he was never afraid to it was my duty to go before the assem- statements was worked and re- n~ – ~

take a chance if it looked like the Felbly to inform them and to ask, as lieved in people and always gave them worked, but no clear group consci- the opportunity to be the very best lowship might benefit. When he was Don had done so ably in the past, ence was emerging. Finally, noting right, he gave away the credit; and I “What is your pleasure? What do we they could be, while he loved them that there was still a considerable without judgment – even when they when he was wrong, he admitted it ‘ do?” Don was first on his feet to the amount of material left on the agenda and cleaned it up with style. But most microphone, and he said in his quiet, acted their very worst. I remember and that the Conference as a whole one time just before an area election of all when 1 think of Reed, I rememloving way, “We should do nothing. was facing the possibility of running ber that he was always there. When- It’s our fault that this happened be- when 1 went to Reed and told him I out of time altogether, discussion was felt I didn’t know enough about a par- ever I got to the top of the stairs, cause we did not have the proper ended and a vote was taken. The issue there was Reed with his hand out sayreporting and checking systems in ticular job to feel truly qualified and seemed to have come to a close, and that I thought I should not make my- ing, “Hi, Don. Come on in.” place. It looks like we eat this one,” yet there was still unrest among the Don t?,Aurora, Colo. he said, “and take steps to see that it self available for the election. He told delegates as a whole. A turning point can never happen again.” had been reached. Even though a lot A true AA leader always puts the of time had been devoted to this issue best interests of the Fellowship ahead and it had, temporarily, been reof anything else, and one of the finest solved, one AA member who had examples I ever saw of this was at a voted on the side of ending the discus- General Service Conference a few sion reversed his vote and put the years ago. Under consideration were topic back on the floor. Somehow he some very emotionally charged issues knew that the Conference as a whole revolving around the participation of was not through talking, that a true, nonalcoholics at closed meetings and informed conscience had not yet been how topics unrelated to alcohol is^ born. Even with emotions almost at were frequently being discussed at the fraying point, the discussion conmeetings. tinued until substantial unanimity The specific item on the table was a could be achieved. A true AA leader statement prepared by one of the had once again shown up when we

July 1992 anyone could be grateful for being an al- to honestly look at my life and admit coholic. Now I do. Not only am I a when I’m wrong. I no longer always grateful alcoholic but I’m also grateful have to be right. My daily prayer and that I’m in prison. I don’t think I would meditation has become a time that I have as fully embraced the AA program truly cherish. as I have if I were not in the situation Best of all. I’m in a position where I I’m in. I was the person who always can carry the message in a place it’s looked for the easier softer way. It took sorely needed. I’ve had the privilege of my sitting in a prison cell for me to re- serving as secretary for meetings at two alize that if I continued my way I’d of the prisons I’ve been in. I’ve also had probably wind up doing more time. I the privilege of being asked to sponsor had to continue working the program a couple of guys who really helped me and trusting in God or go back to the to grow in sobriety. I just hope they got miserable existence I led before. I chose as much out of it as I did. The opportu- God and AA. nities I’ve had to carry the message have

An Unexpected ” I did my Fourth Step sitting in a cell. been very fulfilling to me and at times I couldn’t have been as brutally honest have kept me sober. I’ve known the joy without the concrete and steel to re- of hearing from guys after they have mind me of how critically important it been paroled and finding out they’re still

Shot at Life was to be honest and thorough. It was sober and attending meetings. a matter of life or living death. I had Because of the change in me from livthe honor of being able to do my Fifth ing the program, I’ve been able to go Step with one of the wonderful AA from a maximum security prison to a people who brought us a meeting every minimum security conservation camp. week. Reading my Fifth Step to that Now at the camp I have another oppor- “I hereby sentence and to start the long process of clearing man gave me a sense of relief and ac- tunity to be of service by helping to get you to six years in up the wreckage of my past. complishment I could hardly believe. I a meeting started. I’m also close enough the custody of the When I first came to AA, my only finally felt I was taking some real, pos- to home that I get to see some of the Department of Cor- motivation was the fact that it might itive, concrete action to turn my life friends I made when I first goi sober. In rections,” said the help me in the courtroom. I really around. For the first time not only did the last two and a half years I’ve gained judge on the morn- wasn’t interested in the program for the 1 want to change but felt I was really a sense of self-worth and a feeling of seing of my 108th day ofsobriety. Those program’s sake. I only wanted to use ready to change. renity I’m not willing to give up. Each 108 days were what made it possible for AA-like most everything else in my I had the blueprint for change right in day I feel myself growing in recovery. me to show up in the courtroom that life-for my own selfish reasons. But front of me in the ‘helve Steps. I was I can honestly say I’m happier now than morning, knowing I’d be sitting in a cell that didn’t last long. I saw something in able to get down on my knees and ask ever before in my adult life My hope that night. Without the love, hope, and the people at those meetings that I want- God to remove my character defects. I and strength come from my relationship support I got from the people I met in ed. I wanted it so badly I decided I was was able to make a list of people I had with God and I have AA to thank for meetings I probably would’ve pulled a willing to go to any length to get it. harmed without trying to make excuses that. So, as you can see, I have many disappearing act as I had always done When I first got sober I used to hear or blame them, and have started making reasons for saying I am a grateful before when things got too much to han- people identify themselves as grateful amends. Thanks to the principles I’ve alcoholic. dle AA gave me strength to show up alcoholics. I couldn’t understand how learned in the program, I can continue I’ll be paroled soon and I’m

looking forward to getting out and con- and AA was my lifeline. in West Virginia to let her know I am fi- thankful to God for helping me out. I tinuing my sober lifestyle. The thought I would also like to take this opportu- nally on the outside and to get advice on have a first-class God and he gets directof getting out is kind of scary but I know nity to express my gratitude to those lov- how to proceed. 1need to get to the bus ly to my needs. God won’t let anything happen to me I ing, caring people on the hospitals and station. I wanted to tell the whole world about can’t handle. With God on my side and institutions committees. These people I’m talking to her on the phone and this-so I have! the principles of the program to guide go through a lot to carry the message a “still suffering” alcoholic comes up to About myself: I am twenty-seven me, I know I’ll be all right. I’d like to beyond prison walls where it is so des- me wanting some change. I’m needing years old. I have used alcohol for over tell everyone who has found AA in pris- perately needed. They all have my some eyes because I can’t read the phone twenty years of my young life. I work on to stick with it. Don’t hang it on the heartfelt thanks. book. So I get him to help me find a taxi the Steps and I am presently on the gates on your way out. I was drowning Bob I?, Palmdale, Calij number. I call the taxi and stay on the dreaded Fourth Step. I also study the phone with my girlfriend until it arrives. AA texts faithfully. This suffering alcoholic is making me 1 can never repay Akoholics Anonnervous by bothering me. Ilm mentally ymous for the many gifts I’ve received. repeating the Serenity Prayer over and I also know that I can’t keep it unless over. I am willing to give it away. So here The cab comes and I quickly get in. I am.

The Blind I’m overloaded, and by the time I get to the station I’m so frustrated I feel like exploding. Alpha S., Huntington, W. ,Va.

Leading the Blind I decide to call the AA hotline just to talk to someone while I’m waiting on the bus. Because of my poor vision I get very nervous and scared a lot of times. It’s hard being disabled. That’s one of the After being in jail tion. So off I go. I leave the jail ground reasons I used alcohol and drugs for so for eight months, all and remember that there is a store about many years-to hide from the reality of of a sudden I got a mile from the jail. I walk, it seems for- being disabled. out on probation. ever, and finally get there. (By the way, The answering service for AA puts Things started hap- I am’visually impaired and walk with a me through to a member of AA. I tell ~enineauicklv and cane.) him of my disability and the frustration I didn’t have time td conta’cct’anyoiebe- I walk into the store to buy myself a that I’m feeling because of it. I say, “I cause I wasn’t entirely sure whether I soda and a pack of smokes. I had walked don’t know if you will understand or would be released or not: I can see now directly into what seemed to be the larg- not.” that I should.have at least tried to make est beer and wine cooler in the world. The man tells me that he does undersome contact. Maybe I wouldn’t have Even with those bad eyes, I can actually stand because he himself is totally blind! had such a rough time. read the labels on the cans. My heart is I flipped. Even stranger, his eye disease I got my property and had twenty dol- pounding from culture shock and the is the same one I have. lars in my account. My girlfriend proximity of all that booze. It’s like dark clouds rolling away as thought it was a good idea not to have I hurry and get my soda and smokes the frustration is lifted off me. I am so much money, in order to reduce tempta- and get back outside. I call my girlfriend thankful to AA for this. Even more, I’m

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Last night I had a have been unwilling to admit that we memorable experi- were real alcoholics.” And: “Despite all ence that 1 don’t we can say, many who are real alcoholwant to forget. I ics are not going to believe they are in went to a major that class. By every form of selfprison with a group deception and experimentation, they of AA members to &mythe message df will try to prove themselves exceptions sobriety to those who were confined to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic.” there. As I drove back home after that dy- . Out of twelve inmates at the meeting, namic meeting in the prison, I constantonly two admitted that they were alco- ly thanked God for my sobriety. I was holics. The, other ten were in strong denial. One said he wasn’t an alcoholic because he never got fallingdown drunk. full of gratitude that I can admit and accept the fact that I am an alcoholic and can continue to carry the message of so- Staying Sober- Another couldn’t imagine turning down a drink if a buddy offered it to him and everyone else was drinking. One inmate said he went to AA meetings on the outbriety in AA. Before coming to AA I too denied that I had a problem because everyone I knew drank as much as I did. After at- No Matter What side because that’s where he met tending many meetings and listening to wmen. Still another said that whenever others tell their stories and identifiying Roy and I were both began our journey in AA. he drank he got loaded and wound up in with their drinking experiences, I learn- in jail for drunk and In July of 1987 I came here to jail, but he wasn’t an alcoholic; he just ed that I was indeed an alcoholic. disorderly charges Kingston, and by the grace of God got liked to drink, like everyone else he Today I know that there are many suc- back in 1987 when sober. Roy came up the following knew. One said that he could get cessful people that don’t drink, because we got together. I December, too. It was a relationship no “pruno” in prison, but always said no, these are the people I associate with. 1 pot out before he one thought would work. Our counselso he figured he wasn’t an alcoholic- learned that by practicing AA’s Twelve did, swearing 1 would stop drinking so ors thought we should end the relationbut said that by the time he got out he Steps, going to meetings and helping I wouldn’t lose him. I promised to ship, but I knew in my heart that if Roy would have it controlled. others, I have a very good chance of I change. I was back in jail that night. threatened my sobriety, 1 would give All this denial reminded me of chap- staying sober one day at a time. Roy said either I straightened out or him up. 1 was prepared to let go, but I ter three of our Big Book: “Most of us Hal R., Millbrae, CaliJ: he would walk, and that ultimatum didn’t have to.

We enjoyed four years together, im- me money, and helped make the funeral Roy, followed by the Serenity Prayer. mersed in AA and getting on with our arrangements. The emotion was overwhelming, and I lives. Even when Roy was diagnosed Fw me, it wm a time I spent the first day on the phone, became aware of a change within me. 1 HIV positive in 1988, we kept our faith calling everybody I knew. No sooner know now that I can survive tragedy in God and in the Fellowship and kept $@mvth, $an would 1 hang up than someone would without drinking. I remember one member spoke of his on with our programs. We enjoyed life together, sober and clean. We both went emermence into the call, saying they had just heard about Roy, and did I need anything? continuing relationship to God as a dog to college and did well. In November 1990 Roy began to get wmld &eallity where Was 1 all right? I don’t know-1 was listening to ~eethoven.The dog hears in shock, and being on the telephone something, but has no comprehension of sick. He lost weight and developed skin discolorations. I think he was often very thepi& cloud dksi- was therapy for me. It gave me some- what it is or what it means. That’s how thing to do, and it helped galvanize the I think of God as well. 1 know God is sick, though he never really shared with pates, and the m@l truth in my soul-Roy was gone, and there and sometimes is so close I can me what was happening. But I knew the disease was claiming him though some- truth sets in . . . here were these people, soulmates in fel- hear or feel him, but I’ll never be able lowship, as testimony to his absence. to comprehend it. times my denial would not allow me to The sorrow was palpable at meetings I don’t know the music. but there is face it. We worked very hard at main- tears and agony. How could I possibly that week as we shared our loss. We sound-sometimes rushing and furious, taining our separate programs and Roy stay sober through such pain and loss? needed to talk about the pain. It was sometimes gentle and caressing. But kept going to meetings and being Finally, it was meeting time. I’m the time for crying and weeping silently, for always there’s the sound of a master piinvolved. coffee maker for the 7 A.M. meeting and sadness and relief that he didn’t have to anist at play, conducting some mad or- On December 3 1, 1991 Roy cele- after making the coffee, I quietly pulled suffer the excruciating loss of health and chestra of life. I don’t know what or why brated three years sober. He could barely people aside and told them that Roy had dignity that so many do. or how, but I know I’m here. And the walk to the podium, but he did. I had gone. For me, it was a time of growth, of an best I can do is to find God’s will for me. the clear thought that I’d never see him Before the meeting, I asked a friend emergence into the world of reality I don’t know why Roy had to go. celebrate another anniversary. One week if I should bring up a topic, and she where the pink cloud dissipates, and the What God does or doesn’t do is none of later he was gone. said, “Are you kidding?” And I knew I awful truth sets in: Bad things do hap- my business. That’s why I’m mortal. I Then the real program of AA came had to share. pen to good people, and we don’t under- have no bitterness, no anger. Ten months through to me as I began to see a part I raised my hand. I said that Roy had stand why, and maybe there aren’t any later, I can actually see it as a tragic of the Fellowship I never knew existed. passed away that morning, and I didn’t answers, and the best we can do is to go blessing. Roy had AA friends with him I was physically and emotionally taken know what to do. “How can I face going on and find our niche in the scheme of at the hospital, and they told me he was care of. My sponsor said that you give home to an empty apartment?” I cried. things. Maybe, I thought, there is an an- ready to go. That brought me peace. I and give and give, and sometimes you By the end of that hour, even those swer, but it’s not for me to know. knew that before Roy closed his eyes he just need to sit back and take. who didn’t know Roy directly were vis- We had a ceremony for Roy. Close to saw the grace of ~ o d and was secure in Well, I took. From that first night, I ibly moved. I had never felt such love 200 AA friends came to support me and where he was and where he was going. was not alone. My sponsor and three and encouragement as I felt that morn- express love for Roy. We stood in our He died sober. close friends drove me to the hospital at ing. I knew I wasn’t alone. darkest hour to see Roy in his brightest Yes, it still hurts, and I still cry. But 1 A.M. to say good-bye to Roy, For the next three days, my apartment moment. I read a letter from Roy’s I’m sober, and by God’s grace, I will Afterwards we sat and drank coffee. I was filled with people, some who took mother. She expressed gratitude to our celebrate five years in July. And as painwas in shock. I felt as if my soul was off from work just to spend a day with friends for the love we gave Roy, and she ful as the memories are, I am grateful wrenched from me. What would I do me. My friends went shopping and was proud of him for his sobriety. Then to remember. I spent five years in a perwithout Roy? Everything I saw re- made dinner, forcing me to eat. They I was lost for words. We closed the petual blackout; now 1 can remember. minded me of him and brought fresh walked my dog, cleaned my house, gave meeting with a moment of silence for Kyle R., Kingston, N.)!

three hundred men were murdered. You get a fatalistic attitude. Eventually, you think, some crazy is going to put a Seeing a man come shank in your gut, too. So you live as much and as fast as possible. out, get involved The availability of drugs and homemade alcohol in any prison is also per- inAA and bloom vasive. Drinking and drugging often ap- ‘pear to be the only way to cope. into a umtribut- The “convict code” has to be understood when working with people just out in8 d e r ofthe of jail. Since being able to mind your own business in prison is a valuable Fellowsh@-that .

skill, keeping a confidence is para- hmgi~n me a mount. People just out find it difficult to cope with gossip and outright greatfeeling. inventory-takmg at meetings, and often leave the Fellowship. They need to be shown a good example. Sponsorship I believe those of us who have served takes on a whole new meaning. time in prison have a very real purpose In AA we like to say, “I understand, in AA. ‘Our m’es~ageshows people who I’ve been there.” But if a person hasn’t aren’t too sure about this deal that AA served time in prison, sponsoring or can and does work-for anyone, from talking to someone who has is difficult. any circumstance. I’ve worked with The language of prison, the way you dozens of men, and that work is satisfy- Hospital and insti- They feel separated from AA groups. I carry yourself-these things are only ing, and has kept me sober for a good tutions work is a know this because I work with many of learned by being there. number of years. wonderful way to them now. They approach me to sponsor I understand this and so make my God works in mysterious, ways. I spread the message them, after they hear my story. The sim- story known all over. never thought during all those years inof AA. Of this there ple fact that I was there, have done lots The grim details of the murders I side that this negative experience could can be little doubt. of time, and may understand their situ- served time for are aired out sometimes. ever be turned into a positive one. Only People in jails in particular benefit &it- ation draws them to me. Among prison inmates there is a per- in AA could it happen, in my opinion. ly from AA meetings brought in by pea- Not many people who have served verse respect for people who served Seeing a man come out, get involved in ple who are concerned. While I spent significant prison time ever make it to time for murder, particularly in conjunc- AA, and bloom into a contributing the better part of two decades in several Alcoholics Anonymous. Certainly not tion with armed robbery. Nobody under- member of the Fellowship-that has prisons, I never partook of AA. I got many stay around. The peculiar mental stands this except a convict. People in given me a great feeling. I hope that AA after my release from prison and twist of the disease is only amplified by AA are shocked at my story. Convicts guys who come from prison and have have kept it for nearly five years since. years in prison, amidst the violence and aren’t. They simply relate to it. Shooting managed a few years of sobriety will In that is a message. the overpowering fear that are an inte- a drug dealer in a rip-off is considered avail themselves of this experience. It is Men and women who are just re- gral part of any prison environment. In an okay thing to do. The AA who hasn’t a good one. leased from prison feel very isolated. the years I was in, for example, over been inside wouldn’t know this. Michael f?, Sun Diego. Calif:

Native American. At first the old man Wednesday nights. It was a meeting sat silent, then he looked up, waved his about drinking problems. I came to this hand, and said, “I speak no English.” meeting. I have been coming back each Almost everyone laughed except one Wednesday night for over a year. You young Native American. He got up from may ask why would I attend a meeting his chair, walked over to the old man, when I could not understand the words and spoke for a moment in another that were being spoken. I will tell you. tongue. He turned to the rest of us and “From the very first time I stepped insaid, ‘”The old one will speak and I will to this room and joined this circle of interpret his words.” The old man began chairs, 1 felt a powerful spirit. Each time speaking, and the younger man would I return here I feel this spirit and the bestop him every few moments and relay ginning of a wonderful feeling of peace. the words to us. “I have been here a long I need not know the words, although time and all because I committed a ter- some of them are becoming known to rible crime against a brother of mine,” me. All 1 need to know is that for the the old man said. “I was drunk at the hour that I spend here with you people, time, but that is not an excuse for what I am at peace with myself. I feel close

THE CIRCLE 1 did because I was drunk a great deal of the time. After I came here [to prison] I started to search for something to to the great spirit of my fathers. Words are not necessary. The great spirit speaks in all languages, That is all I have to say.” ‘. .

OF PEACE relieve the pain I felt for what I had done. We closed the meeting shortly after- “First 1 tried the various religions ward with the Lord’s Prayer and all of offered here. Then I tried solitary med- us felt a special nearness to our own itations. At no time could I find peace. Higher Power and a true feeling of what For the past year clared the meeting an open discussion One evening I heard one of my brethren spirituality is all about. and a half, my meeting and said there would be no set speak of a meeting that was starting on J. F: M., Tucson, Ariz. spouse and I have topic. Each person would speak out on been chairing AA what was in his heart and then that permeetings at one of son would tag someone else. If the perthe correctional fa- son tagged did not care to share that cilities in our city. Recently the inmates would be okay but he must tag another have begun taking a more active part in person. . their meetings, such as sharing, reading The chairperson spoke first and his from the Big Book, and so forth. We topic was gratitude. He tagged another have typed “How It Works” from chap- inmate and for the next half hour several ter five of the Big Book and after the inmates shared. No one changed the Serenity Prayer and the Preamble the in- topic, so it stayed a gratitude meeting. mates read this aloud. There were a number of Native Last week, at our regular Wednesday Americans attending the meeting, and meeting, the inmate chairperson de- finally one inmate tagged an elderlv

July 1992

of our group is filled with tears and discovers a promising fluid which he laughter, heartbreaks and happiness. shares with his fellow alcoholics. It was deadly poison. Harrowing hours fol- . . . If you will double and triple the obstacles faced under free world condi- lowed, during which several of them b tions, you will realize what we were up died. The whole prison was tense as the against. Prison environments, as well as fatalities continued to mount. Nothing some prison officials, do not readily ac- but quick blood transfusions could save cept the development of new reforms or those still living. The San Quentin AA ideas. When I first talked of introducing group volunteered instantly and spent AA inside the prison many skeptics the rest of that long night giving of argued that it was a useless fad. But themselves as they had never given be- Fragments of AA History today my original conviction of the fore. AA hadn’t been any too popular, value of AA in prisons is revealed as but now prison morale hit an all time AA in Prison correct. For we find that the man who high and stayed there. Many of the surtakes a sincere part in our Bar-Less vivors joined up. The first Prison Group he following excerpts from old Clinton T.Duffy, a small appropriation Fellowship Group is more than two had made its mark; AA had come to San Grapevines are reprinted here with by the Board of Prison Directors Ibr times as likely to make a successful pa- Quentin to stay. the hope of providing a little history of books and pamphlets to come out of the role as the man who has disregarded the “Warden Duffy then spoke. Apparentan important aspect of the Twelfth Step. inmate library fund, and the attention of program. ly we folks on the’outside know nothing From the February 1958 Grapevine the Board of Prison Terms and Paroles. “. . . There is no question but what of prison sales resistance. The skepticomes this brief report: Membership now exceeds 225.’ the AA program is a source of strength cism of San Quentin prisoners and keep ‘The year 1943 . . . marked the first “This quiet report from the prison and courage to the prisoner having a ers alike had been tremendous. They chapter ofoneofthe most significant and paper rings the bell on one of the chap- drinking problem and wanting to do thought AA must be a racket. Or maybe moving of all the AA special services. ters in AA history that perhaps reflects something about it.” a crackpot religion. Then, objected the A modest little story from ‘The San the most widely copied and publicly ac- * prison Board, why tempt Providence by Quentin News’ dated June 17th reads: claimed sections of our fellowship . . .” From the September 1950 Grapevine, freely mixing prisoners with outsiders, ‘Approximately one year ago a hand- * reporting on talks given at that year’s alcoholic women especially? Bedlam ful of San Quentin inmates, after read- From the November 1960 Grapevine International Convention: would be unloosed. But our friend the ing the book Alcoholics Anonymous met comes this article entitled “A Twentieth “Next came that wonderful session on Warden, somehow deeply convinced, with Ricardo Maestas, special com- Century Miracle,” by Alfred E. Dowd, prisons. Our great friend, Warden insisted on AA. To this day, he said, not misary inmate clerk, and arrived at two Warden, lndiana State Prison: Duffy, told the startling story of our a single prison rule has ever been broken definite conclusions. First, they decided “It was in 1944 that a twentieth cen- original group at San Quentin. His ac- at an AA meeting though hundreds of they were alcoholics. Second, that they tury miracle came to the lndiana State count of AA’s five-year history there had gatherings have been attended by hunshould do something about it in an at- Prison-Alcoholics Anonymous. Our a moving prelude We heard a recording, dreds of prisoners with almost no watchtempt to prevent further disaster after group, one of the three oldest prison soon for radio release, that thrillingly ing at all. Hardly needed is that solitary, their release. Despite ridicule of being groups, was inaugurated sixteen years dramatized an actual incident of AA life sympathetic guard who sits in the back dubbed “winos” by their fellow inmates ago, about the time that Warden Clinton within the walls. An alcoholic prisoner row. and the bantering challenge of skeptics, Duffy of San Quentin. California, and reacts bitterly to his conf~nementand de- “The Warden added that most prison this nucleus won the support of Joseph Warden Joe E. Ragen. of Illinois State velops amazing ingenuity in finding and authorities throughout the United States H. Fletcher, Captain of the Yard . . . o& Prison, offered AA to the inmates of drinking alcohol. Soon he becomes too and Canada share his views of Alcoholtained a go-ahead nod from Warden their respective institutions. The story ingenious. In the prison paint shop he ics Anonymous. Hitherto 80% of pa-

roled alcoholic prisoners had to be hospitals ‘dark corners.’ b r humanity scooped up and taken back to jail. Many and modern medical science have institutions now report that this percent- brought light and hope into the b h k age has dropped to one-half, even one- ‘insane asylums’ and the vcgetablc bins third of what it used to be.” for the ‘incurably ill’ of the past. . . . * “There can be, however, no denying And finally, comes this excerpt from the fact that American jails are places “Keep AA Alive in Our Jails!” by into which little light ever pene- Austin H. MacCormick, former nonal- trates . . . coholic Class A Trustee, in the April “In most of the county jails of the 1963 Grapevine: country, no ameliorating inlluence of’ “Of all the dark corners of the earth any sort, no application of either huin which Alcoholics Anonymous has manity or science, no effort to salvage taken root and grown to mature the inmates is ever seen. with one strength, the 502 prisons and jail groups exception-when AA comes in and with over 20,000 members and the 445 stays in, although it is usually working groups in mental, veterans’, tubercular under almost insuperable handicaps and other hospitals with about eleven with men and women who are hard to thousand members give me the greatest reach and hard to hold. satisfaction, because of my professional “It is in this area that I hope AA career of 45 years in the correctional groups will increase in number and in field and my life-long interest also in the effectiveness . . . AA has brought some field of mental health. light into this dark picture, and must “It is perhaps not fair to call these steadily bring more and more.”

December 1992

or almost two years now, 1 have to others who shared the pain of their week we were without a speaker. I ing is so good, I’d climb the fence to been attending a very special AA alcoholism and were committed to looked at the civilian who said, as he get back in to this meeting on Sunmeeting. It is held on Sunday nights, doing something about it. I was never usually does, “Anybody want to come day!” Hopefully, I will be one of the we often have terrific speakers – and one to say much during the meeting, up and share?” told him I would. “outside speakers” who come in to it is held in the prison I am incarcer- except maybe to thank the speaker My story came out well enough, share – someday. I couldn’t say ated in. with a few words. But afterward, but as I got toward the end it became enough about the civilians who come I can still remember my first while waiting to go back to our dorms hard to tell, the emotions welling up every Sunday. Besides running a months of attending and listening to and then on the walkway, I would inside me as I spoke about how badly great meeting. telling us how we help the various speakers who came from speak to one or two other inmates, I had hurt a whole family, the family keep them sober, they have instilled the outside community, sometimes telling them a little bit about how bad of the child I killed. I told about the in me a great faith in AA, that it will. ex-inmates themselves. The nights I felt. 1 found someone else who had courtroom screams, the nights lying as I work it upon my eventual release. there wasn’t a speaker, the twenty- injured a family in an auto accident awake feeling I had done something help me make the transition back to five or so guys would just hold an while he was intoxicated, severely in- so wrong, I could never be whole or society. open meeting, led by the civilians juring himself also. He was grateful healthy again. It was an incredibly “You get out of this program what who always attended, fifty-two Sun- that they and he were alive. Just powerful experience for me. you put into it,” is an expression I days a year, including Easter and knowing him made me feel better. Some time has passed, and I still heara lot. I’m lucky to be in a meeting Super Bowl Sunday. Prison is not a place where trust is start the meeting off, come up with where a lot of guys are putting in a Those first months were very hard easily built, where people share all a topic now and then whenever we lot. Some things about AA. in prison for me. It seemed like every week their stories easily. Our Sunday AA are without a speaker. I have watched are different: mandatory attendance one guy, who’d be in prison for DWI meeting seemed to transcend all that: as guys left, missing their presence or you’re thrown off the list; anonyrnperhaps, would say, “Thank God a guys were opening up and sharing on Sunday nights, then slowly others ity being no more than just another kid never ran in front of my car . . .” bits and pieces of their past pain, start to speak up, “fill their shoes” so long word when your name is on a in the course of sharing his thoughts. deep-felt shame, and their current to speak, as guys gradually deter- facility-wide “call-out” sheet each I’d go back to my dorm after the meet- feelings of gratitude for the pro- mined, as I did, that the meeting was week. But the general feel of a street ing and bury my head in my pillow, gram.There was both pain and humor a safe environment to share their ex- AA meeting can definitely be prefeeling miserable. Because an eight- there, too – the ability to laugh at perience, strength, and hope. It be- served in a prison setting. The people year-old kid did run in front of my ourselves was an intrinsic part of the comes like a cycle; the new guy who make the meeting. AA people give car when I was so drunk 1 was on the healing process. sits in the back slowly working his people in prison hope. For a little wrong side of the road, and I was in Eventually it was decided we way up until he is in the front row, while each Sunday, it’s almost like prison for killing him. should have an election, and elect a right in front of me, raising his hand I’m not in prison. People make that Slowly, I began to emerge from my new inmate to open up the meeting, and saying something I need to hear meeting: all of us who are finally dealshell. The Sunday AA meeting began call for the readings and introduc- that day. ing with our alcoholism. to be a place I could come to and talk tions. I was chosen, and the next I joke and tell the guys, “This meet- Robert K.,Marcy, N.Y.

June 1993

pretty sick. puppy. Now I’m just a grateful old dog – still sick but, in retrospect, not so bad. Recently, because of my health, my doctor advised me not to work. I fell into the poor-me syndrome for a while – yes, even after twelve years of sobriety. Then one night while I was reading my Big Book, these words jumped out at me: “extensive work with another alcoholic.” This is what Jerry, Bert, and so many others now do. This is the answer to thinking about poor me. I live in a small town now where the town court is in session once a week. I sometimes join the spectators in the courtroom. During one sentencing, I sat there and listened to the details of a young lad who got a sixmonth stretch. Most of his problems were alcohol-re1ated:While I was sitting there, the thought came into my ooking back over my drinking hours or three days but the jailkeeper guy named Bert R. I recently went head that I had to talk to him. L days, I can say I never really lost came to the cellblock and said, “Anymy belief in God. Whenever I got one for an AA meeting?” This was back to visit my old home group, to see Bert and thank him. He wasn’t Some time later, when the police officer walked into the cell and said into a tight spot, I always said, “God, the very first AA meeting in that jail. there and when I phoned his home, to the young fellow, “You have a visget me out of this one and I’ll quit My gratitude toward the two men who I was told he was out carrying the itor,” I followed. I introduced myself drinking.” I wanted God’s help but chaired that meeting that night is im- message at the local jail. I couldn’t and said I was a member of a local on my terms. measurable. believe it. Here was a man sober for AA group here in town. The guy Then in July 1980 I was placed in I don’t remember much of that first many years who was still very.much turned as white as snow and said to the Winnipeg city jail. As one can meeting, but I do remember Jerry K. active in ‘Ibelfth Step work. I had to me, “I was just lying here thinking imagine, I wasn’t placed there be- saying, “If you ever have a reason to stop and think about that. about it.” I felt a shiver go up my cause I was such an outstanding citi- drink, call me up and if I think the My road of sobriety was not an spine – a rush that no drug on earth zen. This wasn’t the first time I’d reason is good enough, 1’11 buy the easy one (very few are). It took me could ever replace. been in jail, either. But something first one.” And when I had about 18 over ten years to find the meaning of I don’t know if AA will help that happened. months’ sobriety, I had to call him. honesty. There’s a saying around that young fellow, but I do know that the I cried one night and I prayed. This On a moment’s notice, he was there. “when you sober up a horse thief, all tingle I felt going up and down my time I said, “God help me.” There Not only did he talk the talk, but he you have is a sober horse thief.” Well, spine woke me up and got me back were no deals, just “God help me.” walked the walk and he saved my life. that was me, in a nutshell. When I on the right track. I can’t remember if it was three The other man was a tall, skinny came into the Fellowship I was a Anonymous, Beausejour, Manitoba

July type of group. I once read in the Traditions that the group must survive or the individual would not. I was determined to sit in the day room alone if I had to, but fortunately at our first meeting there were three of us. I was elected general chairman and one other guy was made secretary. We started getting out letters to AA World Services and our intergroup. A month later, our concrete meeting room was hung with theTraditions and the Steps, the slogans and posters, and had a table filled with

I A Blessingfrom God 1 AA books and literature. But most importantly, the room began to get filled with people – some who were inmates who had never heard of AA. This August, the Way Out Group celebrated its one year anniversary. We had soda, chips, pretzels, cake, This is my mes- friends, and God. I made at least two and a Fellowship that was as full of sage of hope in meetings a day and found a wonder- love as the meetings I once knew on way out of prison and that’s through sobriety. Out on fully happy life in sobriety. the street. This truly was beyond my the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. bail, while await- Then after being sober for six wildest dreams. Today when I speak of prison, I ing sentencing, I months I was sentenced to two-and-a- I recently celebrated two-and-a- don’t mean the one with bars and found the Fellow- half to five years in prison. I have half years sober. The nightmare I walls. I speak of the prison of alcoship of Alcoholics Anonymous. It been here two years now and have thought prison would be turned into holism which for me is far worse than was the only place I had left to go. I pulled through many rough times. I nothing less than a miracle and a bles- any cell I have ever done time in. knew that without it 1 would only be never stopped working my program, sing from God. There is definitely a 1 said I came to AA because I had free on the street for a short time. despite no meetings or Fellowship at purpose for me being here, .and it’s nowhere else to go. Today, there is So in the beginning I used the pro- times. I am surprised to say even all to help carry out our Fifth Tradition no place else I would rather be than gram in hopes of keeping myself out alone in a cell my recovery continued which states “each group has but one at a meeting, even if it is in prison. of prison. But after several months to grow. With no one or nothing, I primary purpose – to carry its mes- To know that every newcomer who of sobriety I began to realize my life found I was happy and freer than I sage to the alcoholic who still suf- comes to our meetings has the opportruly was getting better. I accepted have ever been in my life. fers.” The rewards I received from tunity to receive the relief I have the First Step and worked the others. After serving one year I was trans- serving as general chairman and found in this Fellowship brings great I got a sponsor and took suggestions ferred out of the main jail and sent being a founder of our group can joy to me. And it helps me to better from other AAs. And a beautiful to the prerelease center. There I found never be expressed in words. Our understand the meaning of fellowship thing started to happen. I started to no meetings at all and at this time I group is called the Way Out Group and gratitude. believe in things, like myself, decided to try to pull together some because we all know there is only one Cliff M.,Thornton, Pa.

Fortunately, I was scared enough to quired my facing other old fears. follow the suggestions experienced In hindsight, dealing with all these members made about prayer. I con- fears marked a turning point for me. cluded by saying that early recovery Long since, I had come to believe in had been very difficult but that now God, but only tentatively. A healing I had a Higher Power and a serenity presence apart from ordinary physical I had never known before. The meet- reality was the simplest explanation ing was over. of my own recovery, But now, for the After a few weeks I took over first time, 1 knew that I had a loving As I walked up the pong table, a wastebasket, a ceiling- leadership of the meetings, often as God who cared for me and who would stairs to the coun- mounted camera, and an intercom by the only outside member. By then I help me as long as I sought his guidty jail, I quietly the door. The guard set out coffee was able to share that as a teenager ance. prayed, “Lord, I’m supplies and left to gather the inmates I had been a burglar, a sneak thief, Eventually, I stopped attending powerless over who had volunteered to attend. and had been in serious trouble in the only as a leader, to become a learner. what will happen Frank explained that some men armed forces. %ice I had totaled cars One evening I mentioned that, altonight and I’m frightened. ~ ‘ m@tty might come for the coffee or as a while driving drunk, both times se- though I was not a happy person and sure that you want me to be here; diversion from cell life. Several verely endangering other people. never expected to be one, still I had please show me what to do. I cast my might be street-drug users with no Only luck and a glib tongue had kept obtained great day-by-day serenity fears on you.” real alcohol problems. Some might me out of jail and prison. from working the ‘helve Steps and By the grace of God, I was there be heavy drinkers who did not yet I kept profiting from attending was content to settle for that. as an AA volunteer not as an inmate. call themselves alcoholics. All were these meetings. They drew me out of One man asked, “What do you I was with another member of AA, welcome; we might be able to help a myself. They helped me face and mean you’ll never be a happy person? whom I’ll call Frank. For some time few, but with others we might do noth- overcome many old fears of physical Do you believe in God?” Frank had been carrying the responsi- ing but plant a seed. violence. As the men began to trust “Yes.” bility for leading a weekly men’s The inmates began to amve. Many enough to share emotions, I saw as- “Do you believe that God can do . meeting in jail. He had been circulat- were elaborately tattooed. One had pects of them which revealed their anything?” ing a plea for help. My recovery had biceps the size of grapefruits. Frank human and caring natures. I saw how “Yes .*’ been faltering recently; I was badly opened the meeting then immediately we all could use the ‘Ibelve Steps to “Then how come you believe that needing to do some kind of additional asked me to share. Foolishly, I had gain a new way of life. I liked many God can’t make you happy?” service work. not expected this. What was I to say? of the guys. I gratefully realized that I was just Frank used the wall phone to iden- I explained that I had begun AA That does not mean that everything another member of this group, that tify us to the guards. We passed four years earlier at age fifty-six. I became easy. Many inmates have se- in AA we are all equal. through three locked doors and signed had been a heavy drinker for years vere resentments. Intense anger often Therefore, I kept coming back. For in at a window. A guard led us through but was sure that I could control my dominates their conversation: anger I’ve come to recognize something to another locked door, down the echo- consumption. Finally, that control at racism, people who have betrayed which my middle-class background ing hallway past locked cells, and into broke down and I faced disaster. I them, guards, police, judges, their had blinded me. Just as I have a lova locked gymnasium. had been an atheist, and AA’s refer- lawyers, and society in general. Only ing God who wants to heal me, so The room was cavernous, high- ences to God had bothered me. Was a few accept that their incarceration do they. That means that even the ceilinged. Fear returned. What was I it a cult? My upbringing had trained is in any sense deserved. It’s a chal- most difficult and destructive inmates doing here? I looked around at the me to trust no one. How could 1 ask lenge to keep meetings focused on are precious. God loves us all. sparse furnishings: two chairs, aping- something I didn’t believe in for help? AA and recovery. Doing so has re- Anonymous, U.S.A.

My name is Rick But don’t feel sorry for us. We did Behind the Walls As a newcomer to veloped a personal meaning. I and I am an alco- this to ourselves. AA I was physi- Big Mack is a maximum security holic. I have been Thanks to AA I am making a cally, mentally, institution. With the exception of in prison fifteen change in my life. I’m putting my emotionally, and those involved in work detail and months and three best foot forward in working the spiritually drained. programs, most inmates are under days on a five-vear lkelve Steps and lkelve Traditions Nothing material twenty-three-hour lock-down; one sentence for killing aman in an acci- of AA. I’ve seen it work for others, was lost; I had lost myseif, however hour per day is allowed for out-of-cell dent. I always will have remorse for and deep down I know it’s going to – a lonely and devastating feeling. or outdoor activities. Initially the AA the man’s life being taken in such a work for me as well. All I had left was an honest desire to program at the prison was experimenway, and for what my drinking and I’ve been going to AA since March stop drinking. tal. We carried the message behind driving put his family through. of 1988 but at first I didn’t put much To prevent indulgence in self-pity the walls on the first and third Wed- Before the accident, I thought noth- into it. I felt sorry for myself one day it was necessary to become active in nesdays of the month; the meetings ing like that could ever happen to me. (January 6, 1989) – poor little Rick’s several aspects of the AA program, alternated between two prison units. I was wrong. It can happen to any- in prison and needs a drink – and including service. In the beginning Thus, the AA inmates attended only body, anywhere, anytime if you drink that’s when I had my slip. I got drunk my sponsor was concerned about AA one meeting per month. Prison planand drive. as hell, blacked out, jumped on two bum-out, but service work at various ning of meetings was unorganized. After being in this place, I have city police officers while on work re- levels, including preparation of cof- Often we would arrive unexpected by come to learn a lot about myself and lease, and got my butt kicked good. fee, clean-up after meetings, lbelfth guards and the meeting could not take other people as well. I would say a Don’t we have fun when we get drunk? Step work, attendance at district and place. Eventually John left the m a good seventy percent of us are here While I was in solitary, I knew I state functions, general service rep- and could no longer offer his services. because of our drinking. We are al- had to do something. I knew I had to resentative, and district committee Nevertheless, the AA meetings concoholic, but there’s not too many of get back in AA, if AA would have membership, not only helped deflate tinued. us willing to admit that – that we are me back. When I got’out of the hole an over-inflated ego but humbly Recognizing the desire by inmates powerless over alcohol and that our in February I got to the AA meeting taught me gratitude and to give freely for additional meetings and continued lives had become unmanageable. We fast, and I’ve not missed a meeting without asking anything in return. AA support, there was a meeting of are only lying to ourselves. Here we yet. Like the Big Book says, we can An AA member and personal the prison warden and the chaplain, are – being told when to eat, when make it one day at a time. Every AA friend (John) was asked by the war- the AA state chairperson of correcto talk, when we can watch TV, what meeting I’ve been to since coming den of a local state penitentiary (“Big tions (Paul), and myself. The purto watch, when we can see the doctor, out of the hole has made me feel bet- Mack”) to carry the message “behind pose: Develop an effective method of who can and cannot visit us. Our lives ter. AA is my Higher Power and my the walls.” John invited me to carry carrying the AA message to the Big .are mapped out for us each day as if only hope of staying sober. the message with him. The invitation Mack State Penitentiary without viowe don’t have a mind of our own. Rick W ,Lowell, N.C. was accepted and AA service de- lating our Welve Traditions or the

rules and regulations of the prison sys- if they desire. The meetings are held and finding a better way to live answer phones at intergroup offices. tem. in a very small noisy cubicle a far through AA. General service representatives carry The results of this meeting have cry from the comfort and privacy of When entering the prison, the elec- the group conscience to district and been very positive and favorable to meeting halls outside the walls. There tric metal doors close behind me and state assemblies; state delegates carry all concerned. The officials respect are no chairs or coffee; we sit on ta- I have the feeling of entrapment ex- it to AA World Services in New York. our anonymity and do not disclose bles and sip ice cubes, in full view perienced by the inmates during their AA World Services dispatches AA litnames of volunteers to others in or of guards and occasional passing in- everyday life. When leaving Big erature. A drunk sobers up in a hospiout of the prison system. Further, they mates. The room is soundproof, how- Mack I am grateful for freedom tal or treatment center. An inmate are eager and willing to accommodate ever, and what is heard inside is sa- granted only by the grace of God – walks freely from a cell to start a new the AA program to the best of their cred. The inmates respect anonymity freedom from the bottle, alcoholic life in Alcoholics Anonymous. Why? ability. Paul, through the AA correc- and appreciate the confidentiality. torture, and an unmanageable life. Because of AA service. tions program, furnished each inmate The meetings represent excellent AA After all, were we not all prisoners It is through AA service that I am with personal copies of Alcoholics and we are all sober. of alcohol? learning to give f ~ e l y without asking Anonymous and Twelve Steps and Included in the Big Mack AA meet- Coffee cups and ashtrays are anything in return. Twelve Traditions. Tuo subscriptions ings are Big Book and llvelve Step cleaned at an AA meeting. People Chuck I?, Okmulgee, Okla. of the Grapevine are sent to the prison studies, discussion of the lbelve each month and distributed among the Traditions, open discussions, guest AA inmates. Other AA literature is speakers, and additional AA visitors. also distributed. In addition, AA The inmates share their experience, members and groups donate pam- strength, and hope, practice the AA phlets and past issues of the principles in prison affairs, and are Grapevine to inmates. growing along spiritual lines. Tuo Although there were some minor former inmates are now involved with difficulties, nine months after the first AA in their respective communities experimental meeting the AA mes- and are leading fulfilling lives. sage continues behind the walls of During my career in AA I have Big Mack. The warden and the chap- visited other correctional facilities, lain sanctioned the program as perma- including one federal institution. AA nent, provided that AA volunteers are service in the prison system is a rewilling to sponsor the prison group warding, humbling, and gratifying and carry the message. Our prison experience. It is a pleasure to watch group will soon become officially reg- the inmates grow in the program and istered. The meetings are voluntary have an opportunity to grow with for inmates with “a desire to stop them. Some inmates were convicted drinking” and stay sober. Six to ten of crimes lesser than or equal to those usually attend. This is the maximum I committed while drinking; the only number currently allowed; the difference is I wasn’t arrested or connumber may increase as the program victed. Working with AA inmates is attracts additional inmates. We gather a constant reminder of where I came every Wednesday evening; thus the from. I have come to realize we are inmates may attend weekly meetings all the same: God’s children seeking

Jahuary 1994 we are today, and that we cannot survive without it.” He has some concerns about the increase of rituals surrounding spirituality. “Saying the Serenity Prayer, reading How It Works. can become ritualistic. We need to think about their meaning, the impact they have had on . lives – we need to live those words, not just say them.” He sees some changes, too, in the role of the Class A trustee since his previous term of service, and comments on the evolution of the Class A’s role. In the beginning, there were A New Old Friend more nonalcoholics than alcoholics serving as trustees, while today, the Board numbers seven nonalcoholics among a total of twentyone trustees. Another change occurred at the 1993 Conference, when the Class A term of service was shortened from a possible total of work in prisons. At institutions where the nine years (three terms of three years each) to prison program was the strongest, he attributes two three-year terms, or six years in all. The that strength to the dedication and hard work chairperson of the Board now serves four of outside sponsors. years, in contrast to the former six. Jim’s friendship with AA “took on new di- Jim views these developments as indicamension” when he was invited to speak at the tions of the maturation of the Fellowship – 1975 International Convention in Denver, Col- though he does not foresee the day when there orado. Although he knew many AA members would be no nonalcoholic trustees at all: “We as personal friends, he wasn’t sure what would don’t live in a totally alcoholic community, happen when there were tens of thousands of and communication is important.” He cites AAs in one concentrated area. He arrived ex- some practical reasons for nonalcoholics to be pecting a large convention atmosphere, where part of the General Service Board: anonymity, he wouldn’t know people, but the moment he for one – nonalcoholics can appear in public stepped into the elevator at his hotel, with on behalf of AA. Too, the needs of AA are people laughing and joking, he knew there specific at times, and it’s possible to find were no strangers there. nonalcoholics with particular expertise and ex- If it’s possible for a nonalcoholic to be an AA ers who went to meetings, and on his fellow About a year later, when AA’s General Ser- perience when they are needed. “retread.” that description fits W.J. (Jim) Es- workers. He realized that AA saves lives, and vice Board was looking for a nonalcoholic The third reason he mentions is tolerance. telle, who began a four-year term as chair of made a commitment that AA would be part with corrections experience, Jim was invited “Alcoholics need to understand that there are AA’s General Service Board of Trustees in of his correctional life. And he began to live to serve as a Class A trustee. From then on, some of us who need to express ourselves in April 1993. A longtime friend of AA. Jim out that commitment in the early 1960s and he says, “it was a learning process.” this kind of service. I need to give my time served as a Class A (nonalcoholic) trustee from 1970s, when he was in charge of seventeen Asked whether he sees changes in the Fel- and energy, and the benefits of AA are impor- 1977 to 1986 and then, at the 1993 General conservation camps in California, and saw to lowship since he rotated off the Board in 19×6, tant to me. I have a debt of gratitude I can Service Conference, was named to succeed it that there was an AA group in each camp. Jim noted some special challenges that face never discharge, but I can make a down payrotating chair Michael Alexander. Jim retired two years ago from a long career AA today, particularly the need to carry the ment by doing service.” Jim’s interest in and knowledge of the Fel- in comtional work in California, Montana, and AA message to suffering alcoholics among all When Jim speaks of his experience as part lowship began when he was a youngster, grow- Texas. He was director of the Texas Depattment cultural groups, and the responsibility for self- of the AA service structure, it all sounds ing up on a prison reservation. He was aware of Comtions in the 1970s. has lectumi and taught support as a Fellowship. “There’s still a ten- strangely familiar. “My batteries get charged that his father was the staff sponsor of four courses in correctionsand administration of c o r n – dency to assume that a dollar in the basket is when I’m exposed to the membership – at AA groups inside the walls, but didn’t fully tional systems, and has been a correctional consul- enough, and it isn’t. This has to do not only open meetings, or Regional Forums, or Genunderstand what this meant until he got into tant for several prison systems. with Tradition Seven, but with the spiritual eral Service Board meetings. Being around cornctions work himself. Looking back at his experience of AA in foundation of Alcoholics Anonymous.” people who have had the courage, discipline. Coming up through the ranks, Jim saw three prison systems, Jim singles out with Jim speaks with deep conviction of his be- love and spiritual depth it takes to recover is firsthand the impact AA was having on prison- gratitude the AA members who do service lief that “spirituality is what got AA where an inspiration to me.”

May 1994 armed robbery, and possession and your head handed to you. One thing sale of drugs – no worse than mine. you don’t do in prison is hug another My convictions include manslaughter man. Unless you mean it. Handshak- (shooting), mayhem (a knife attack ing isn’t too common either. on an innocent motorist), and armed I simply take my sponsees through robbery (three convictions in one the Steps. No bull, no build-up. state). So I wasn’t exactly a candidate Straight down the middle. Read the for the Nobel Peace Prize, either. My book, write, go to meetings, call a sponsees and I can talk to each other, couple times a week. Once I’m finthat’s for sure. ished taking then1 through it, I let Carrying the message of recovery them go, and let them get on with to this bunch of guys takes a certain their lives. They pretty much all do amount of finesse. They don’t believe well. They get jobs and become proanything, certainly don’t believe in ductive. AA works for these men, as anything, except their own prowess, it has worked for me. and are cynical beyond the norm. I Mike P., El Ccrjon, Cdif. have to slww them it gets better. I have to be an example that this deal works. I have to talk the talk a d Sponsorship by Mail walk the walk. They don’t respect anything else – no bull allowed. Sharing experience, strength, That’s why they don’t ask some guy and hope with AA members in who’s never been in prison to sponsor prison through correspondence is them. I’ve been there – the best thir- a form of twelfth step work many teen years of my life – and I know AAs find rewarding. The Correchow these guys feel and what they tional Correspondence Service, feel. coordinated by the General Serv- Most of the AA program these men ice Office, offers the oppoitunity know was gotten in prison, at meet- for outside AAs to carry the AA ings brought in by hospitals and in- message to members inside the stitutions committees. Most of these walls. GSO maintains a list of ‘No Bull, No Build=Up9 H & I types have never been in prison, I know for a fact. In their zeal to spread the message, they forget one inmates who have requested correspondents, and currently there is a waiting list of about 150 invery important fact: a man in prison

I n the time I’ve been sober, men who ask me to sponsor them mates hoping to be matched with I’ve learned a lot about myself have walked yards and gone to sleep is grappling with just surviving in a an outside “sponsor.” and a lot more about AA’sfielfth with that metallic clanging lullaby I hostile environment. The message Information can be obtained Step. knew so well. has to be brought to them hard. from the corrections desk at As one who had to find his way Four of the men I sponsor are That’s how I do it. I don’t go GSO, Box 459, Grand Central through several prisons before getting parolees. All are hard-time types. through the glad-handing, hugging Station, New York, NY 10163. to his first meeting (on January 1, Their convictions include such crimes routine. You hug a guy who just left .1987), I’ve found that most of the as assault with intent to murder, a prison, and you’re very likely to get

M y name is Nell. I’m an ex-in- was a very sick person. mate, a recovering alcoholic, I was made to go to church and what and a member of Alcoholics 1 seemed to hear about was a punishing Anonymous. I’ve been sober since De- God. I begged God to let me die. 1felt cember 7, 1984. That’s the longest different, looked different, and was I’ve been sober since I was a teenager. treated as different. I asked many times . I was introduced to AA while incar- if I was adopted. I didn’t understand cerated. I finally found a glimmer of why I was ever born. hope that I’d never known. I finally I never got to be a child and play as found understanding, unconditional other children did. Lots of responsibillove, hope, and real friends. ities, work, punishment, and abuse of I never felt like I fit in anyplace. My all kinds were what my life consisted dad abused alcohol and was my drink- of. I lived in fear but I was never aling buddy. There was lots of fighting lowed to express my feelings. I learned and turmoil between my parents. I was early on to keep my mouth shut and abused terribly and I wanted to die be- stuff my feelings. I was never believed, ginning very young. it seemed, so I learned early not to trust I was born the fifth of nine children. anyone. 1 was incested severely by the The first child died before fifteen time I was eight years old. It continued months of age. No medical attention longer, much longer. was sought by my family. 1was the old- My mom didn’t want alcohol in the est daughter and I was placed in the house, so my dad made me hide his mother role at the age of eight when moonshine for him. I’d sneak around my youngest sister was born. My mom and drink out of his bottle. Alcohol had addictions other than alcohol and gave me courage and made me feel like

*

the adult I was forced to be. I ran away shfp and had two more daughters. I was light at the end of that dark tunnel I’d to at least one meeting, read the litera- . several times and was beaten unmerci- institutionalized in jails and mental been in for over forty years. ture, write daily, and thank my Higher fully when I was found. I couldn’t feel hospitals countless times. Everyone I didn’t know what AA was; I Power for another day of sobriety. I’m safe anywhere or with anyone. I con- who said they loved me hurt me; so 1 thought it could teach me how to drink involved in my home group and go to tinued to want to die. was real confused and afraid of love. I successfully or control my drinking. But lots of service meetings, as well as spon- I ran away at fifteen years old and never found a gleam of happiness, love, I was willing as only the dying can be married a man twenty years my senior or hope. By the time I was incarcerated soring other people. It’s very important . to do anything suggested. The eight- for me to go into jails and prisons and -one of my dad’s drinking buddies. I the last time, I had attempted suicide year-old girl in me began to live instead work with inmates and ex-inmates. I found myself worse off. That marriage at least twenty-two times, been in jail of merely exist. Somehow I knew I was seek in prayer and meditation to imwas a real nightmare which seemed at least thirty-nine times, and was in finally safe. I was shown a new way of prove my conscious contact with God endless and hopeless. I finally managed and out of various hospitals. I had tried life – one I never dreamed that poor, and I make a lot of gratitude lists. I can to escape that situation – two daugh- everything. I couldn’t die and didn’t abused, neglected child would ever never find the words to express the ters later. know how to live -nor did I want to. have. depth of gratitude for my newfound My first serious suicide attempt (one That day in December 1984,I came AAs loved me sober and loved me happiness and freedom. I’m even leamamong many) was at sixteen years of to in my own vomit and a pool of back to health. They really cared and I ing how to have fun and not take life age. My husband abused alcohol and blood. I was sick and tired of being sick had never known anyone who really too seriously. was constantly drunk. It was like living and tired. I finally had that moment of cared. I was afraid of their “I love My life is full today. 1 have all I need in a concentration camp. I was beaten clarity we talk,about. Taking a big risk, you’s.” I wondered what they wanted and most of what I want. I’m learning and tied up in the nude off and on for I called my parole officer pleading in from me. But somehow I trusted a tiny to be a mother, afriend, a grandmothat least a year. I passed out from pain desperation for her to help me. I could bit. I began to feel freedom and peace. er, and a sister. My friends are as near several times. My husband sold my have been sent back to prison that day. That empty feeling in the pit of my as the telephone and they’re a closebody to buy booze. I begged God to I’d been drinking since I was released stomach has now been filled. It’s been knit support group. I have my own ease my pain. My husband poured in December 1983. filled with a loving, caring, and a for- apartment, thanks to God and my AA booze down my throat to quiet me. My parole officer suggested I go to a giving God of my own understanding. friends. At first I found it hard to ac- That was the only relief I had. halfway house. I’d try anything by this I’m starting to leam a little about me, cept these gifts because of my pride and Drinking, suicide attempts, abuse, time. I was beaten down to complete and I accept myself most of the time. ego. I didn’t know how I could.ever pay and getting in trouble with the law demoralization. I went where she sug- I’ve had to obtain some extra help to it back. My friends told me to “pass it were a way of life for me all those years. gested, leaving behind every material work through my past. That’s okay. on.” When I finally left my husband, he said thing I owned. I was penniless with Without AA I couldn’t have done it. There are still lots of life’s problems. he’d kill me if and when he found me. only the clothes on my back. I was It’s been painful, but worth it. I have a grandson in jail and a grand- I believed him and hid for years in fear. bankrupt in every area of my life. Since coming to Alcoholics Anony- daughter who attempted suicide and is I felt so empty, dirty, worthless – a AA meetings were being brought mous I’ve always had someone to take in treatment for emotional problems. I nobody with a hole in my gut. I was al- into the halfway house from outside. me by the hand and assure me that fell and broke my wrist (lots of pain). ways looking for something to fill that The first time they were announced I “this too shall pass.” I want all there is But no matter what there is today, emptiness. Booze eased my pain, but didn’t hesitate to attend. I knew my life in recovery. I started with a sponsor, nothing is so bad that a drink won’t only temporarily. was unmanageable and I was powerless working the Twelve Steps and Twelve make worse. My life consisted of shoplifting, over alcohol. I really surrendered and Traditions, and applying the principles I never knew I had choices. Today I stealing, lying, hot checks, and daily admitted complete defeat. For the first of the program in my life. I call my have choices. drinking. I got into another relation- time in my life, I was able to see a tiny sponsor or another alcoholic daily, go Neil S., Arlington, Tex.

be sent, instead, to Folsom Prison. As ber that, and draw upon the power bad as Folsom is, Pelican Bay is worse. available to all of us. In the days that followed, Albert I spent nearly all of my adult life in took the new man through the next prison. I’ve been free for twelve years four Steps, and started him on his and sober for over six. In all my years in amends letters. He feels entirely grate- different prisons, I didn’t have AA. I reful that his Higher Power was there for lied on self-will. It did not serve me well. him. All he had to do was ask. The pic- In contrast, God’s will is serving our ture of this very tough convict – a friend Albert as he faces a very uncerman who has spent twenty-four of his tain future. As he points out in many fifty years in prison – on his knees in of his letters, his life is pretty grim, prayer is not easy to imagine. But even clean and sober. . . but imagine prayer worked. how it would be if he was loaded? I’m Things like this happen to people sure that kind of spirit will help Albert well in times to come.

F or a number of years, my wife and I have carried on a regular correspondence with an A A member serving a thirtyyear sentence in the tough, brutal confines of the It appeared that Albert was going to be transferred to the infamous Pelican Bay prison, commonly known to be the worst prison in the United States. He who don’t forsake God. God has not forsaken us. We only need to remem- Mike P., El Cajm, Calif.

was fretting about his upcoming trans- California prison system. He’s been in- fer to this absolutely awful place when side this time for eight years and cel- the newcomer mentioned that Albert ebrated seven years clean and sober in might want to pray about it. Albert was August. completely taken aback by the bold He wrote to me recently and related suggestion of this newcomer. He ima story that shows to great effect that a mediately felt the shock of ego that this power greater than ourselves is at work “baby” would be so forward as to tell in our lives, if we acknowledge that him what he ought to do. power -even in a desolate place like However, on the morning of the prison. transfer, Albert got on his knees. He’s It seems that Albert (our friend) was been an AA member for many years being considered for a transfer to a per- and knows a lot of prayers, but the only manent address in the prison system. one that came to him, in that small cell During the time he was waiting, he on that fateful morning, was “God, got a cellmate who was newly incar- help me. . .” cerated. The new inmate, upon find- As Albert was being prepared for the ing out that Albert was an AA trip to Pelican Bay, a correctional 06member, asked to be taken through cer told him to step out of line and go the Steps. Albert took him quickly back to his cell. His transfer to Pelican through the first four Steps. Bay had been cancelled, and he would

IT’S TI111 FIRST Some “1Pipsfor Carrlying the Message into Prisons, from a n Area Correctional Facilities Committee

1. First impressions are important, so look your best and be on time.

2. Using the AA Preamble as your frame of reference, begin by stating what AA is and is not.

I was sober almost five years and I was being released from prison. I was concerned about my ability to stay sober once I got out. Our AA group, on the outside, the Candlethe sidewalk was doing life for the same crime that the man on death row was going to hang for. He fired the gun that killed the deputy. They were screaming 3. Most inmates will want to know why you are there. Briefly, talk about the way things were (e. g., your last drink) and what things are like now that you are a member of AA. (This portion of your talk should be fairly their goodbyes. I could hear the an- brief.) lighters, had been a big help to me. I guish in their voices. hoped that if I followed the Steps to Then from inside came the question, 4. Describe the format of the AA meetings you will be bringing into the the best of my ability, I could make it, “Ralphie, do you know what happened facility, how often meetings will be held, and how inmates may participate. one day at a time. But I was a three- to me!” (Be certain to obtain information on the proper procedure for inmate partime loser. The difference was, this “No, Red what happened!” came the ticipation from the facility staff.) time I had AA to help me. answer. A n old friend of mine from my “I took that first drink,” Red cried 5. You may want to distribute and briefly describe the following pamdrinking days had agreed to meet me at out. phlets: “This Is AA,” “Is AA for You?” “A Newcomer Asks,” “44 Questhe gate. But still I was uneasy. I had They hung Red one minute after tions,” “It Sure Beats Sitting in a Cell,” “Memo to an Inmate.” Add any very little faith in myself. My friend midnight the following Monday. other pamphlets you think.appropriate. had been sober eight years and I felt I thank God I was there to hear that that just maybe, if he could do it, I conversation. It still rings in my ears, 6. It’s very important to pace yourself so that there’s ample time to ancould do it. and not to be forgotten is the message swer as many inmate questions as possible. It was Saturday morning and they it bore: “Don’t take the first drink.” were dressing me out in the hospital Maybe that’s why I’ve been sober and 7. Remember to keep it simple. waiting room. The windows were open active in AA for forty-three years. No in the Kansas heat and I could hear matter what happens, I just don’t take AAs wishing to carry the message into correctional facilities are enshouting coming from the building that first drink. couraged to attend Correctional Facilities Committee meetings. And, renext door,which housed death row. A Thanks, Red. You helped to save my member, having once been an inmate is not a requirement. man was standing on the sidewalk, hol- life. lering to someone inside. The man on Jim P. , Albuquerque, N.M .

November 1994

A Boot E the erc. Judge I celebrate my fortieth birthday today. As I write these words of gratitude, I am sitting on the banks of the Grand Canal in my adopted city, Dublin, Ireland. Beside me is a bridge that spans the canal. Twenty-three years ago I slept beneath that bridge because I was too drunk to go home. I was a university student then with a bright future beckoning. But I didn’t realize I had a problem with alcohol. I eventually dropped out of university and joined the police force, which provided me with more money for There is no need for me to describe term in prison, so this seemed like an ing and to what the program had to booze. I worked night and day, drink- any further what it was like because impossible task. offer. That was six years ago. I have ing between shifts. I later progressed any alcoholic will know what I am Out of fear, I started going to AA continued to attend AA since, not to drinking before and after my shift talking about. Eventually my job in meetings. The judge adjourned my out of fear but gratitude. as well as drinking during my shift. I the police went, my marriage ended, I case from month to month for one Where I am seated now is shaded could not go for any length of time was kicked out of the family business, year and eleven months. He finally by a beautiful tree. The waters of the without a drink. and I found myself before the local disposed of it after that time and he canal flow free and calm, just as my In the midst of all this drinking I judge because of my behavior while commended me on my recovery and thoughts do, thanks to AA. This married a wonderful lady who became drunk. He said to me, and I quote: “I struck out the charges that were pre- could be a place in heaven today, the mother of my two beautiful am going to put the boot in on you ferred against me. He had come to whereas all those years ago it was a daughters. My wife ran a professional and I am going to put it in hard, for trust me. I knew that it was not me place in hell. business as I worked in the police you should know better. You are going that had achieved this miracle of re- If ever I think of drinking again I force. We lived in suburbia in a big to get sober and I am going to see to covery, but all of the credit had to go will remember the boot from the house with all of the trimmings that it that you do.” Optimistic words, I to AA -and God. judge. He booted me into AA and I money could buy. All looked good thought. But how, I wondered. I had Initially I had attended AA out of landed in heaven on earth. 1 hope to from the outside, but inside every- been in treatment for alcoholism on fear of the judge, but after a short time stay here forever, one day at a time. thing was bursting at the seams. many occasions, including a short I was attracted to what I was becom- T. K.,Dublin, lreland

May 1995

A ugust 1983, Sunday morning at 3 o’clock: Not another car on the interstate -except, of course, the state trooper’s. I failed the sobriety “field tests.” lifelong friends; that long for the Steps of recovery to become a healing part of my life. Today, I’m grateful to the troopers for savirig my life. It took all of those The officers asked me to give them my three years, reporting to a monitor horn car keys and to get into their car. I be- the court and attending AA meetings, came hostile (that’s putting it mildly) for me to finally surrender. I worked and began swearing. 1 was handcuffed with a couple of sponsors to understand and taken to the police station and the first three Steps and to find what 1 placed in a holding cell – a place could accept as a Higher Power. It where every “lady” who drinks never might have been easier to not resist so dreams of ending up. long, but I tried to hang on to the idea When my court hearing came up that I could take care of my life and several months later, the sentence giv- everything in it. Today I’m grateful to en to me wasn’t as bad as it could have know that only God is in charge of my been: I was fined, told to go to coun- life. I try to pass that message to others seling classes with other drunk drivers, I meet. and was expected to attend meetings of Taking an active part in AA has giv- Alcoholics Anonymous five days a en me a joy that I can’t adequately put week for three years. into words. Being part of a group that Three years? Thank you, God, for cares about the new person as well as knowing that I would need that long those of us with a little time under our to allow the message of AA to sink belts, makes up for the family 1 never into my numbed brain; that long for had when I was drinking. people in the rooms of AA to become Beth K., Napks, Fla.

I attended my first AA meeting in Leavenworth Federal Prison during the summer of 1974. I wasn’t serious about AA or sobriety and believed the other prisoners weren’t either. Un- I never drank socially: 1 drank in social situations and thought it was social drinking. Since I never drank alone, I r thought cou!dn’t be an alcoholic. At the end of my drinking I develfortunately, we didn’t hear any outside oped alcoholic neuritis. This scared me AA speakers. 1 went to meetings be- but 1 diagnosed my own disease -and cause it meant time outside my cell. I prescribed alcohol. Of course, this only planned on getting drunk as soon as I aggravated the situation. The idea of was released and I did just that. I got consulting a doctor never entered my drunk on the plane going home. mind. I didn’t realize I needed to stop Four more years of drinking ensued drinking in order to recover physically. before I was ready to surrender. I knew I feared I was going crazy. I couldn’t if I kept drinking I was bound,to wind understand my irrational fears nor my up in prison again, but I was powerless insane behavior. Friends knocked on to stop myself. I didn’t understand the my door and I was afraid to answer. I disease of alcoholism. The worse things sat drinking in my darkened living got, the more I drank. room and waited for them to go away. 1 My mother died when,I was a young developed a sense of impending doom, child. My grandfather told me God a generalized fear that the roof was took her home so I blamed God for her about to fall on me. I denied the blackdeath and turned my back on him in outs friends described to me. I was inanger. My spiritual sickness started sanely drunk most of the time. then. When I picked up alcohol at age During the last year of my drinking, twelve, it soothed the pain in my soul. I started drinking from the moment I

got up to the time I passed out at night. AA meetings I went to in prison I quit my job because I was unable to helped me. But now I’m sure that day work, while blaming all my problems 1 walked into those prison meetings is on my job. I now had more drinking the day I started my walk towards sotime. I often went to the club at seven briety. A.M. or to the Chimes Cafe where I I’V; been through many changes in could get a draft beer with my eggs. My progression accelerated as I plunged toward what I hope to God is my bottom. the sixteen years of my sobriety. When I first started in AA, mv, – , s~onsor promised me a life beyond my wildest TO ENJOY At this time a friend of mine started dreams. I had had plenty of dreams but going to AA meetings. I would go to I couldn’t get up off the barstools and her house to see if she wanted to go out one of the best fringe benefits of sobridrinking, and one of those times I met ety is the ability to do things I couldn’t an AA member named Paul who was do because I was always too drunk. I’ve

I taking her to meetings. He told me his learned to apply what I learn in AA to ‘m sharing part of my story with told me about themselves. They story a few times, but I couldn’t believe my life outside of AA, and I believe I the hope that someone can learn seemed to have something I wanted, he’d been a wino on the streets of can succeed at any endeavor if I’m will- from it. Alcoholics are typically but I had not reached my bottom yet. Boston before he got sober. He didn’t ing to do the legwork and leave the re- very stubborn and must learn from I couldn’t imagine my life without look like an alcoholic to me; he was sults up to God. their own mistakes, but it is much eas- alcohol beca’use it was the only way I too clean. He told me there was an- For example, several years ago I de- ier to learn from someone else’s. For knew to have a good time. After a few other way to live than the way I was cided to pursue a lifelong dream. I’ve almost three years, I’ve been serving more months of “good times,” I found living. I didn’t understand what he was always wanted to write, and now I’ve a sentence for the Alabama Depart- myself in front of another judge facing talking about. I didn’t like him and I been working at it for a few hours every ment of Corrections as a direct result felony charges. This time I had manwasn’t interested in getting sober. day, five days a week. Although I of my alcohol-impaired bad judgment. aged to drag my wife down with me. I stopped drinking on my own that haven’t published anything yet I be- It took a prison sentence before I The judge did not look kindly on the summer and white-knuckled it without lieve I will. It is a thrilling hobby that could admit that my life had become fact that I had sprouted a few dozen AA. I smoked pot a couple of times af- makes my life better. It reminds me of a unmanageable. seeds behind my house to support my ter I stopped drinking so I count my so- slogan my friend Connie uses: “The joy A few months before I was,incarcer- other addiction. For my efforts, I was briety date from the day 1stopped using is in the journey not the destination.” ated, a judge sent me to a court refer- rewarded with a ten-year sentence and anything mind-altering,September 15, I’m happier than I’ve ever been in ral program, after a conviction for my wife got only probation. 1978. Then I met an AA who told me my life. I have the love and respect of driving while intoxicated. This pro- When I got to prison, I finally took how sobriety had helped her. She gave family and friends. I believe with the gram included mandatory attendance an honest look at my life and saw what me a meeting list and suggested I at- help of God and Alcoholics Anony- of AA meetings. Along with two of my a mess it was. Then I remembered the tend some meetings. I will be eternal- mous, there isn’t anything I can’t han- best friends I reluctantly attended – stories that 1 heard in AA. Instead of ly grateful that these two AAs broke dle. The longer I stay sober, the more I with resentment and bitterness. I was seeking alcohol and drugs – which their anonymity to me. Without AA’s believe that God will provide for all of greeted with handshakes, smiles, and are available in prison – I decided to . help I know I wouldn’t have been able my needs. Today I do have a life be- coffee. The judge obviously thought I give AA a try. It was the best decision to stay sober much longer. yond my wildest dreams. was an alcoholic, but the AA members I’ve ever made. I didn’t used to believe those few John P., Manchester, N.H. didn’t tell me that 1was. Instead, they In prison it’s easy to allow resent-

ment, bitterness, and hatred to build AA meetings. It would be easier for up, and many people do just that. I’ve them to attend their home groups, lost count of the inmates I’ve known but they choose to share their experiwho deny their alcoholism and return ence, strength, and hope with us. 1 to ~ r i s o nwithin weeks encourage anvone conor months after their re- siderini this’ type of lease. Twelfth Step work to do I have come t o be- so. When I’m released, I lieve that first and fore- plan to carry the mesmost I am an alcoholic. sage of A A back to Early in my drinking prison. days, I found that I usu- I can’t say that since ally got out of control I started working the when I drank liquor. Since I didn’t want to act like my alcoholic father, I drank only beer. AA program all my problems are gone. AA doesn’t work that way. 1 can say that I’ve learned (t D addy, are you going to a meeting tonight!” “Yes,” I reply to my three-year-old son. Then he asks: “Daddy, are you goshould take on the additional commitments to work with inmates. Later that afternoon I had a speaking commitment at a nearby meeting. It didn’t supply me with to accept responsibility ing to prison tonight?” I chanced upon an acquaintance and the “kick” I was crav- for my actions and deal This dialogue takes place at my din- related the discussion I had with my ing, so I compounded with life on life’s terms. ner table at least once a week. It all wife. He told m e t h a t he needed a my alcoholism with a I have reestablished started about a year ago when I, with speaker for one of his prison commit- ‘ marijuana addiction. good relationships with little more than a year and a half of so- ments and asked if I’d like to go. For almost twenty years my family and I’m ready briety, was suddenly involved in going I remember the ride to the prison I continued that to enjoy life, instead of to meetings “behind the walls.” In and how nervous 1 was. I had thoughts lifestyle and when ques- just existing. With the hindsight, the chain of events leading like, “I’ve never been to prison. How tioned by friends or help of my Higher Pow- up to my first prison AA meeting were can they relate to my story?’.’ or “What family, I replied: “Leave er and the AA program, as miraculous as those leading up to my do 1have to offer these guys?”Then we me alone, I’m not hurt- I have changed my atti- first AA meeting. went there and I heard the gates slaming anybody!” My dis- tude and outlook on Early one Saturday afternoon, my ming behind me. “What next!” I ease made me unable to life, just as the Big Book wife, who is not in AA, was reading a thought. Two inmates showed up for see mv own shortcom- ~romises on Daee 84. . u – In copy of the local intergroup newsletter that meeting and I told my story, and ings, but I was always fact, all of the Promises and noticed the monthly prison com- they talked and asked questions. The critical of other people’s faults. Now have been fulfilled for me. This pro- mitments that were listed. She asked man I went with had more answers I know that 1 was hurting my family, gram has taught me to get rid of my me why I didn’t take part in them. My than 1 did and it was truly a learning my co-workers, and myself. old ideas, which didn’t work, and al- explanation was short and to the point: experience for me. The overwhelming Since I got sober in June 1992, I’ve low God to give me new ones. Thank “You don’t like me going to all the relief when we got back to the car, to formed friendships with some terrific you, AA, for everything you have meetings I go to now. How can I take know I had “done it,” gave me a feel- “free-world” people in AA. I’m truly done for me. the time to go to prisons?” After a short ing no bottle can give. grateful for their support of our prison 7im H., Greensboro, Ah. discussion, she agreed that 1 could and We stopped for a pizza on the way

home and 1 told my fellow AA how I introduce them to folks who can help felt on the way to the prison and while them on the outside. I was there. He was quick to tell me The rewards I’ve received from that these men in prison didn’t want to both AA meetings in prisons and my hear prison stories. They know what it’s temporary contacts are innumerable. like in prison. They wanted to hear They include the simple handshake “life” stories. They wanted to learn how after a prison meeting, comments like to live outside the walls. And yes, they “Thanks for coming all the way out can relate since, like me, they are alco- here” or “Please come back, you holic. helped me today,” the mini-meetings Since that meeting, I’ve tried to in my van going to and from the difkeep up my involvement in prison ferent facilities, or stopping for ice commitments. I’m not always success- cream on the way home (now that’s a ful as I tend to overcommit myself, but reward!). And if you want to keep it I still manage to do something, green, it doesn’t get any greener than whether I go to the prison committee it does behind the walls. meetings or someone calls me in a One of the biggest things I’ve come pinch. I’ve also become semi-involved to realize is that I’ve changed, espein a temporary contact committee. cially in the last year. I know I’ve This committee’s function is to pro- changed because each time I visit a vide different “services” to inmates, prison, my story changes, and I have including writing letters to inmates more AA answers. Most of all, I’m not who want to write to AAs on the out- afraid. Not afraid of prisons and not side, and catching up with inmates as afraid of the people they house. After soon after they are released as possible all, they’re just like me. . to get them to local AA meetings and Ken J ., Glenside, Penn.

July

ON RIP, .

he door was closing, a steel rewarding to hear that when some guys gate slamming shut against a get out, they head right for an AA steel frame. That’s the reason meeting. They tell you they are going prison is known as “the slammer.” But to the AA meetings steady and are the difference for me was that I was on staying sober. the free-world side of that steel door. Even after they are out for a while, I knew that I was leaving behind a they call up and ask me to be their best lot of AA brothers on the other side. I man or be godfather for one of their also knew I didn’t have to return if I children. They call up on the holidays . chose not to. But I knew that I’d come or send me a card. That’s more of a reback for the next AA meeting. It’s only ward than anyone could ask for. by the grace of God that I’m not on the Not all guys make it when they get lockup side of that slamming door. out. Some end up back in prison. Some people I know don’t under- When that happens I ask them, “What stand why a guy like me would keep happened?” They all say the same going back to a prison for an AA meet- thing. “I tried to make it on my own.” ing. I’ve been told many times that Then we have a Twelfth-Step call and there are hundreds and maybe thou- we start over. I surely can’t look down sands of alcoholics in the free world at these guys. Heck, it took me eight who need help. I have no quarrel with years to get my first year of sobriety in that idea But I believe someone has to AA. go into the prisons to help the alco- Who really has the right to judge anholics there. other alcoholic?Not I, that’s for sure. I Trying to cany the message of AA to leave the judgment to God. inmate alcoholics is very rewarding. It’s Bob M., Bay City, Mich.

J u l y 1996 ‘ My job assignment, in 1981, was they’d denied his last appeal, and his “Death Row Trustee.” This entailed execution had been scheduled for the janitorial duties, and other jobs, on following Wednesday night. It shocked Death Row. There were about eighty me. He was going to be the first to go. men under sentence of death at that Death Row was strangely quiet that time. There hadn’t been an execution week. since 1965, but the rumor was that one Wednesday came, and I was mopwas happening, very soon. ping the tier. The guards came, about One young man on Death Row I got five of them. They opened my friend’s to know very well over the months I door, and he was led out. He stopped worked down there. He was about thir- by where I was working. He smiled, ty and had been on Death Row for six told me it was time. I shook his hand. years. He’d killed a liquor store clerk for At midnight, plus one minute, they a few dollars and two six-packs of beer. executed my friend. The following The clerk was twenty-one years old morning, I was taken to the “death when he died. house”; I had to clean the place up. 1 noticed my friend reading a big The guard on duty told me my friend blue book almost every time I went by had gone quietly. He told me he’d rehis cell. One day, out of curiosity, 1 quested that the father of his victim atasked him what the book was. He tend the execution and had spent his showed me the Big Book. It was the last hour talking to the man: When first time I’d ever seen it. He told me of they had him strapped in the chair, the his membership in AA. The prison al- guard told me, he looked out to where lowed him to attend in-house meet- the witnesses were seated, and said, ings. He was active in the prison group. “I’m really sony. Thanks for letting me He had a “civilian” sponsor who visited tell you.” him fairly often. He told me he was I’ve been out of prison for over four- “working” the Twelve Steps. I didn’t teen years. I’m sober for almost ten have a clue what he meant, but figured years. When 1 take sponsees through . whatever it was, it must be okay. This the Steps, I emphasize how important man was always upbeat, even though Step Nine is. 1 tell them the story of my n 1981, 1 was serving in a south- date, I was determined to get out and he was facing death. He always had a friend, now long dead. If they express ern prison, doing the last few stay out. I was nearly thirty*five, and good word, and the other condemned concern about making amends, I tell weeks of a five-year sentence. I’d had been locked up since I was twen- men liked him. them of the toughest amends I ever been in that prison for nearly five ty-two. I was sick and tired of being One day I came by his cell. I had heard of anyone making. years, and I’d been locked up, except sick and tired. All of my seven felony a three weeks to go before my release. I I know my friend is in Heaven. I’ve for four months, since 1968. I’d made convictions were related to alcohol or was excited and a little frightened. I thought of him many times over the a decision that something had to drugs. They were all violent. I wasn’t a noticed he looked a little down. I asked years. 1 hope he’s doing well. change. As I drew near my release social drinker or a friendly drug user. him what was wrong. He told me Mik P., El Cajon, Cdf.

any years ago, I was imprisoned for a crime committed while in the grip of alcoholic insanity. While inside, I attend- It is good to be a worker now, and good that AA seeds continue to be planted among those in lock-up. Many of the inmates are young people; deep BN1) A LOT OF ed five AA meetings – sometimes down, they are as bewildered and just to get the doughnuts. Ignorance frightened by their condition as is soof the disease thus persisted and I ciety. Their lives are on the line. dreamed of the day when I would be Nonetheless, they don’t need sympafree to drink my fill. Upon release, the thy; they need facts, facts that only the “party” began in deadly earnest, fol- experience, strength, and hope of AA lowed by twenty years of tormenting- people can provide. Whether or not we y first experience of Alco- there was telling my story. I realized I ly gradual alcoholic decline. alcoholics are physically free, the pro- holics Anonymous meetings wasn’t so different and so alone. Today, it is my privilege to go into gram helps us to achieve an inner, spir- was in an Oklahoma state About two months before my relock-up carrying the AA message. Es- itual freedom – surely the most prison. I went to the meeting to get lease from prison, I started noticing pecially in these days when a fearful so- treasured. out of sitting in my cell. I wasn’t real- that other inmates, who were released ciety says, “Lock ’em up and throw I’ve just come from a meeting in the ly interested in the program, just in to the outside world, were returning to away the key,” it’s a real blessing to of- county jail. The prisoners were open getting out of the cell. There were prison. Most of the reasons given were fer a program of change wherein sobri- and eager to learn. The police ex- three people who came in from an that they couldn’t stay sober and clean ety, service, and true freedom are pressed their appreciation for our work outside group in the city to sponsor out there. I knew I was getting out achievable. with the prisoners. God was surely in our prison AA group. It was hard for soon and I was afraid. I talked with a The years in prison were a time the meeting too -encouraging us all, me to understand why these strange sponsor from the outside and she told when I was at least kept from harming prisoners and free people alike, and of- people gave up their free time to me I had to go to an AA nieeting as others or myself any further. Most im- fering his all-powerful and loving spir- come into prison and waste it on con- soon as I got out. She gave me a list of portantly, it was a time when the AA it. I am so grateful to know that no one , victs like me. meetings in my home area and sugseed was planted, however impercepti- has ever sunk too low to be lifted -to I’m not sure when the light shone gested that 1 make ninety meetings in bly. When utterly beaten by the dis- begin a new life by God’s Grace. on me, but I started to listen and par- ninety days. ease, that seed came to life. Donna H., Albuquerque, N.M. ticipate in the meetings. Everyone I’ll never forget that terrible, terri-

ble day I was released. I was so scared. I came into the prison every week, saydidn’t want to leave prison! I knew I ing, “When you get out, go to a meetcouldn’t live out there. It wasn’t my ing. There is a solution.” I walked in world. My world was behind those tall the door and I was greeted with smiles fences with barbed wire with guards and handshakes. They asked me my who told me what to do all the time; name and told me their names. In the my world was structured by someone meeting I heard my story all over else. I had nothing to go home for, just again. I felt welcomed and I knew I the same life that had put me where I was really home, and everything would was. I just couldn’t do it alone! I made be okay for that day. a suicide plan. It’s been years since I left prison. I fi- 1 got to the town I once called home nally found out why that old lady and with nothing but my prison clothes, a those strange people wasted their free list of AA meetings, and a lot of fear. time. 1 hear it in the meetings often: 1 remember walking up to a big you can’t keep it if you don’t give it house with the letters AA on the door- awav. way, not really having any hope. No LLir B.. New I&. La. one could know how think of was this lit .I

irst trip to Federal prison this going to get to talk. As usual; it stops year. Twenty-four last year. right at the new man. He doesn’t even Thursday meeting starts at 7 pm. get called on. Windy guy, like me, took Pretty good crowd, about half and half, all the last five minutes. Getting close insiders and outsiders. Open for busi- to recall – that’s prison talk for “we ness by 7:10 pm. Same old stuff. Over got to go.” Hurry on now. Big circle and over. Open topic as usual. Takes a starts to form. Man on my left is shakwhile to get rolling, need to be patient. ing. Halfway through, the shaking Smoke break at 7:40 pm. Welcome re- stops. We shake hands. He thanks me lief, like an oasis. New man wants to for being there. What more can I say? talk. Worried about what to say. Tell It’s 8:35 pm. now. Meeting’s over but him it was a blessing, just try to listen. no one seems to want to leave. That’s Back into the meeting now. Things are the magic of prison AA. moving right along. Not everyone is Anonymous, Greenvile, IU.

April 1997

A low price tag From Columbus, Ohio:

I’ve been in prison for five years that it was a gift from AA. He told now. A little over four years ago I me he’d never owned a Big Book berecognized that alcoholism and self- fore. (I thought to myself, Didn’t one will had placed me in here. I also re- of these six centers he was in give alized that 1hadn’t drank or used him a Big Book?) How can we get drugs in almost a year, but I still felt the message out that a suffering alcovery bad about a lot of things. This is holic doesn’t have to go to a rehab what brought me to my bottom and to get and stay sober?That’s the the truth about myself -that my al- message AA has to offer -and the coholic behavior was continuing de- only price is that we must carry the spite my being sober. message of recovery to another alco- I talked with my celly about this. holic. He didn’t know what to tell me. He Craig T. said his old celly had just gone home and left him two books from AA. One was the Big Book and the other was the ‘Twelve and Twelve.” I read them and did all they said to do. That was four years ago and I’ve become very active in the AA Fellowship here in prison. My life has never been better, even though I’m in here. What I’ve become concerned about is that I meet lots and lots of guys who feel that unless they go to some special clinic they’ll never be able to overcome their alcoholism. The funny thing is a lot of these guys have been to these high-dollar centers three or four times and they still feel they need another stay to have any real recovery in their lives. One guy I met had been through six centers (he was sent to prison because of his drinking). We were talking about his problem. I had a couple of extra Big Books. I gave him one and told him to keep it,

tend the meeting. He said that if I’d places) in our home group area. I had sponsor the group for a year, he’d re- a need for several Big Books, and I’d sume sponsorship if I couldn’t find exhausted all my means of obtaining someone to take over for me. I talked them, other than outright extortion. it over with my sponsor, and he said it At my home group, we have a custom was a great opportunity for me to be- of having a birthday cake to observe come involved in service work. He also each year of sobriety. It happened to said becoming intensely involved in be my wife’s birthday and we had the working with others might help me to duty of ordering the cakes for our celebrate a second or third birthday. I group at the time. She suggested that had celebrated my third first birthday. instead of a cake, why couldn’t she Nine years have ~assed.Charlie take the money and purchase a couple probably has his masters degree by of Big Books instead? Why not innow. I’m still the outside sponsor at deed? We took it to the group and the prison, and we’re both still sober. they agreed that it would be up to in- Several things contribute to this state dividuals as to how they would celeof affairs. My wife is in the Fellowship, brate their birthday. and she supports me in my decision to This has caught on and nearly all continue to carry the message to the members in our home group donate guys on the inside. Several of the in- literature in lieu of a cake. This has reside members have lengthy sentences lieved a shortage of books for new and have become close friends in the members on the inside. Some sign the Fellowship, just like members of my book, some send a personal message of home group. God, as I understand experience, strength, or hope, and him, has graced me with eleven years some donate anonymously. We do of continuous sobriety. I attended my strongly suggest that first birthdays, first state assembly meeting eight years and special observances, (five, ten, ago and found that there was a correc- twenty, or twenty-five years ) be extions committee functioning in our empt. And sometimes, other family area. I became active and found that members bake a homemade cake for

I ‘m an outside sponsor of a group that meets in a prison here in Tennessee. This came about, like a lot of opportunities for service in AA, in a sudden and unexpected way. inside for about a year and said it was a good idea to have someone else come along for a change of pace. And perhaps, if I learned the procedure, 1could they were collecting literature, and accepting donations to purchase more, to be shared and distributed across our state. Our district, local intergroup, the birthday boy or girl. Now, that’s special! It’s our group’s hope that the Big Book birthday idea will help someone go in his place if for some reason he and nearby groups have also helped. in another area obtain literature for Several years ago, a fellow member was unable to attend. But there is always a need for more. correctional or treatment facilities. of my home group asked me to visit the Lo and behold, he transferred to a So the most touching donations of Let’s help make more literature avail- . prison with him. Charlie had been car- college fifty miles away and the com- late have come from the observance of able to those who want it and need it. rying the message to the fellows on the mute didn’t allow him to regularly at- birthdays (called anniversaries in some Milton C., Ripky, Tennessee

January

A spirited discussion then got un- works. The Third Tradition says: “The derway with the members sharing their only requirement for AA membership experiences about when they found out is a desire to stop drinking.” they were alcoholics. Our discussion As I observed in myself and was able leader, in her infinite wisdom, finally to see in others, a degree of healing got the sharing train slowed down so takes place in the initial separation of we could get some passengers aboard the individual from his poison. Upon who would help us direct the discussion investigation we found that our newto a more basic problem. At this junc- comer, when dry, is a good man. Dry, ture it did not seem to be critical he can hold down a responsible job. whether our new man was an alcoholic Dry, he provides for his family. Like or not. It was more important to see if most of us he’s not a saint; he doesn’t there was a desire to stop drinking. Did necessarily teach Sunday school. But he see any connection between his neither, when he is not drinking, does drinking and the battered family? he throw bricks through the stained He finally broke down and said, glass windows. “Maybe I drink too much sometimes. When I finally came to the realiza- Tell me how to stop.” We told him we tion that I was an alcoholic, the real couldn’t do that, but we could tell him spiritual growth in my program began. how we stopped -if he cared to listen. The Steps, as I took them and worked In my case, I came into the Fellow- them, became my life. I didn’t find out . ship a while back and spent my first 1 was an alcoholic until after I stopped two years telling the groups, “My name drinking. Then I discovered I was an is Bill, I’m a visitor this evening,” or alcoholic before I’d started drinking. “My name is Bill and today I’m an on- Ned still comes to our Monday looker.” I wasn’t drinking. I was dry, but meeting. The discussion leader still not sober. I didn’t think 1 was an alco- signs his paper so the judge will know holic. he’s been there. He tells us he’s not Then I graduated and identified my- drinking. He’s asking questions. He’s self as a problem drinker and even said listening to the group share experience. I was sometimes out of control when I I believe I’ll be there some morning

N ed, a newcomer, came into our Monday morning meeting a couple of months ago and told us he wasn’t sure he was in the right place Iwcause he didn’t think he was an on the condition that he attend as many meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous as he could. Ned had been in jail for getting drunk and beating his wife. It was not his first offense,’nor the secdrank. At the end of two years I was invited to tell my story. I stood up in front of the group and said, “My name is Bill and I’m an alcoholic.” It just rolled out. or some evening, at one of our meetings, when our newcomer gets up in front of the group and says, “My name is Ned and I’m an alcoholic.” And when he does he will begin to receive alcoholic. As usual that remark got a ond. Sometimes, in his drunken rages, I had found my true identity. the greatest gifts of sobriety. good laugh. As the group dug his story he would give his wife a rest and beat The fifth chapter tells us how it Bill M., Mount Pkasant, out of him, we learned that one of our up on the kids. His little boy was five works. The Traditions tell us why it South Carolina county juclges let him out of jail carly and the daughter was three.

January 1997

Spotlight by a group of enthusiastic, dedicated volunteers. I was fingerprinted, and I county jail and bring some much-needed help to the tireless volunteers there. completed the application for clear- By then my state prison clearance had On Service ance within the Texas Department of come through, and I was attending Criminal Justice, which would allow meetings in the women’s units in me to go into the state prisons. Many Gatesville and the men’s units in Dilmonths were required to process those ley and Hondo. applications, but the My first meeting in volunteers were too the state prison sysurgently needed at I’m guaranteed tem was unforget- . local facilities for me table. It was an to simply sit and anniversary meeting wait. I was put to an “attitude at Mountain View, work at once. the women’s maxi- I first attended mum security unit. Everyone meetings at the Bexar County Drug adjustment ” At that meeting, I met an inmate who’d and Alcohol Treat- every time been one of my ment Facilitv, a lock- housemates in a local up treatment center halfway house for ‘for probation viola- I visit women where I’d put But the Bride tors who have drugor alcohol-related a prison together my first ninety days of sobriconvictions or who ety. She left to return agree to attend treat- to drinking. uring my fifth year of sobriety, I I don’t recall how I ended up at my ment to avoid prison or jail. After about a year developed a bad case of the first meeting of the Correctional Facil- time. Next, I was on the CF commitblahs. I felt as if I were in a ities (CF) Committee but I know my lucky to be one of a tee, I met a man at dead spot. I was still doing the same Higher Power had a hand in it. I’d small group that be- an AA meeting who things I’d always done – going to been in several brushes with the law gan the meetings at the parole viola- became very special to me. He had many meetings, sponsoring women, during my drinking days, but none that tors facility. These meetings were often thirteen years of sobriety and was very working with my sponsor -but noth- resulted in punishment more severe quite emotional because most of the in- active in the program. He had not, ing felt right anymore. 1 brought this than a few months in the county jail mates had been to prison numerous however, done any correctional faciliup in meetings and talked to a number or probation. I’d never been to prison, times and had again violated their pa- ties work. I invited him to a CF meetof people about it. I learned that many but I always felt an affinity with those role. There was little denial left among ing, and he immediately began helping people seem to go through spells like who had, because I well knew it was them. The revolving door of addiction wherever there was a need. When his this. I was offered plenty of suggestions, only through the grace of God I wasn’t and incarceration was too evident. state prison clearance came, we began but the one that outnumbered all the one of them. Several months later I was able to ob- attending meetings and speaking torest was, “Work with others!” At the CF meeting, I was welcomed tain clearance to go into the Bexar gether. Soon we decided to get married.

O n a Thursday night we spoke at visit a prison but still want to particitwo men’s meetings at the Briscoe Unit pate in this work. After developing a and told the inmates we were going to relationship with an inmate who is, afbe married the next day. Their best ter all, just another one of us, somewishes and congratulations made me times they’ll decide to extend their feel wonderful. The following after- service work into visits inside. noon we were married at one o’clock, I’ve long since gotten over the dethen we drove the 170 miles to pression that brought me to my first CF Gatesville to speak at a women’s meet- meeting, and as long as I continue doing at the Hackberry Unit. Meetings in ing this type of service work I doubt I’ll the women’s units are usually attended ever feel that way again. I’m guaranby five to fifty women. As we waited in teed an “attitude adjustment” every the gymnasium for the meeting to start, time I visit a prison or jail. I never we watched in amazement as nearly leave a meeting behind the walls three hundred women walked in, each without an overwhelming feeling of dressed in white. At the end of telling gratitude that my Higher Power saw fit my story, I told the women we’d been to keep me sober and free. My probmarried just five hours earlier and were lems, whatever they might be, seem there for our “honeymoon.” We imme- very insignificant after spending an diately received a standing ovation, hour with alcoholics who because of and afterwards I think nearly every one their disease may have to spend years of them came to offer their best wish- away from their loved ones or may es. The feelings of love and joy in that have lost their families forever. They prison were as strong as any I’ve ever may never be free again, but they still felt. 1 joked later that we had a recep- want this program with all their hearts. tion at Gatesville for three hundred, Syd T. , Sun Antonio, Texas with everyone in white but the bride! We attended four more prison meetings the next day. What a wonderful AA honeymoon! 1 require each woman I sponsor to become involved in correctional facilities work. The need is so great and volunteers are so few, that passing it on to those we sponsor seems to be the most effective way of getting recruits. Many inmates request temporary penpal sponsors, and their letters are passed on to members who may not wish to

July 1997

M y name is Marshall R. and I’m and what I’m like now. I was born in an alcoholic. My sobriety date 1939 and had my first drink at a very is December 10, 1993. I’m go- early age. By the age of thirteen I’d exing to try to share in a general way perienced my first drunk. At the age of what I used to be like, what happened, seventeen I met my wife; I was drunk

at the time. I believe if she’d known depressed. And my drinking was not And before the night was over I was place. I ordered a glass of tea and a what was ahead, she wouldn’t have doing the job. I went to the doctor and back with the old crowd. In a few sandwich and as the tears ran down my married me, because my drinking got he put me on nerve pills not knowing months I was once again locked up a face I couldn’t eat. But the people worse as the years went on. We had that I was drinking so much. One few times. On about November 1, around me were drinking and my mind our first two children and I was always night I came home drunk and was go- 1993, I left the house and started to told me if I had one I’d be all right, so I in a drunken condition. During that ing to take my pill and then I went drink. Three days later I met my broth- did, and seven hours later I went in antime I was shot and put in the hospi- into a blackout and took the whole er. He was drinking too, and we con- other blackout and was in a car wreck. ‘tal, not knowing if I was going to live bottle full and passed out. My wife tinued to drink. Then something I broke my back but my life was spared or die. It should have opened my eyes called the lifesaving crew and they happened and we got into an argu- once more, and as I lay in the hospital but it didn’t, for shortly after I got out took me to the hospital. After three ment. I went into a blackout and when I cried out to God to give me someone of the hospital I was drunk again. A days 1woke up and I was in bad shape. I came to, I was at home knowing in AA who would help me. And he few more years went by, we had two I wanted a drink so bad I was trying to something bad had happened. As I sat did. Today I have a good sponsor, and more children, and my drinking got pull the tubes out of myself. in my house the law came after me and I am now over two years sober. worse. For a long time my drinking was My wife came in and told me if I at the police station they asked me if I As I write this I am sitting in prison only on weekends, and by the Grace of didn’t get some help she was going to knew what I was being charged with, -but God gave me two years of sobri- God we got the children raised. But leave me. She said she couldn’t take and I said 1 did not. They told me I was ety before I had to come to prison. I there was many a Christmas that my any more. I loved her very much, and charged with firstedegree murder. I can say the AA way works, for when I wife had to get the tree and buy all the at that time we’d been married almost went all to pieces. I had killed my started to work the Steps my life startpresents. And as my drinking went on thirty-three years. I didn’t want to lose brother. ed to get better. I couldn’t read when 1 1 did not realize that some of the kids her so I went to the treatment center 1 thought that my life was over. And got back to AA, but by the Grace of were drinking too, for I was always and there I stayed for twenty-one days. I never thought that I’d get out of jail. God and the help of people in AA I looking out for myself. And in 1990 I was introduced to Al- But my brother’s kids told the DA that can now read my books. There are so There were many times that I and coholics Anonymous and after I got we’d been drinking, and they said they many things that AA has given me, my wife went out to eat and I’d out, I found a home group. And I went knew how much we loved one another. the love of so many people. As my promise that I wouldn’t drink but I’d to a lot of meetings and after a while I So, after seven days, I was let out of jail. court date came up, every one of my always talk her into letting me have didn’t want to drink anymore. I finally I thought I’d never drink again. But friends was there for me and my family. just one drink, and after the first one I realized that I was an alcoholic. But for thirty days later I was so depressed and I also have a good life in church. Now couldn’t stop. As the years went on, I some reason I couldn’t see that my life sorrowful for what I had done I told my I know that God’s people are everywas locked up many times but the was unmanageable. I stayed sober for wife I was going to get out of the house where. Most of all 1 have found peace drinking didn’t stop. I’d get drunk and almost three years but I was always for a while, not knowing that I was within. go home and wreck the things in my finding everybody else’s faults and not headed for trouble. 1went in the wrong Marshal R. , Shelby, North Carolina house and then I’d sober up and looking for my own. promise my wife that 1 wouldn’t do it In 1993 I had more health problems anymore. And I would get drunk and went to the doctor. He told me again. that he couldn’t help my back any- In 1987 I was disabled and wasn’t more, and I left his office thinking I’d able to work and my drinking was go- never be any good anymore. I didn’t ing on three to six days a week. I was make it past the first bar, and after the becoming a very lonely man. I was very first drink I was as bad as I’d ever been.

July 1997

window getting high, paranoid that Twelve Steps. The first one was that we someone might walk in or that the need to admit we are powerless over alguards might come around to make a cohol and our lives are unmanageable. security check. I’d done this a thousand “I don’t have a ~roblemwith alcohol,” times before, however, so it was cool. 1 thought to myself, “I just like to get My cell-partner was on his rack high.” watching television and I asked him, This guy continued with something “Do you want a hit of this?” about a psychic change and accepting “No thanks.” responsibility, and pronouncing words “Are you sure?It’s good stuff.” that I had to have a dictionary to un- He declined my offer again. “No. I’m derstand. But as he kept talking, the okay, you go ahead.” words began to make sense. “More for me,” I thought to myself That night in my rack I found myself as he got up and went into the day reading a book that the man had given room. (People usually had some buck me. ‘The Big Book” he called it, and I -slang for homemade wine -but all was interested in what it was saying. I the good bootleggers had either gotten suppose my cell-partner saw that I was out or gone back to Parchman.) interested and so we talked about it for My cell-partner and I had been awhile that night before going to sleep. friends ever since I came to prison. I’d It was then that 1 decided to try and just turned eighteen and was scared to quit getting high for a while. I’d already death. He was one of the first people I quit smoking cigarettes, why couldn’t I met, and he turned me on to a joint so quit this too? My cell-partner looked at that I could relax. Years later, I was cu- me and smiled. rious when I saw him getting ready to The following Thursday he asked go somewhere. It was only Thursday, me, “You going tonight!” and visiting days weren’t until Saturday “Going where!” and Sunday, so 1 asked him, “Hey, man, “To the AA meeting.” where are you going!” I’d forgotten all about it, and found “I’m going to an AA meeting. You myself getting mad that I’d let him talk want to come?” me into this in the first place, but I I tried to laugh it off, but I could see went. All we did was read out of the

w that this guy was serious. So I said I’d Big Book with this guy reading bee en I attended my first tenth year of a thirty-year sentence. go. When we first got there 1 was wel- tween the lines for us. I was interested meeting in March 1994, 1 I went to my first meeting not know- comed with a handshake and warm in this book, so I listened carefully to wasn’t serious about AA or ing what to expect. My first thought sincere smile. That was nice, compared what he was saying, and the more 1 lis- , sobriety and didn’t believe that other was, “I hope none of my cell-partners to where I’d been living. tened, I began to realize that I did have people were either not in here any- see me going over here.” It was strange There were only six people in the ‘an alcohol problem. And it was this way. You see, I’m in prison, serving my that just the night before I was at my room, and this guy was talking about same alcohol problem that had led me

to prison. I’d never realized that all night, and causing problems at until then. home. My stepfather tried to help me, I started drinking when I was thir- but I thought otherwise. I moved out teen years old. I didn’t like the taste of when I was sixteen, thinking I was it but I wanted to hang with the older crowd, and you had to be cool to hang with them. Since drinking was cool, tough. I said to myself, “1 can make it.” At a party one night my friends had some Everclear -that’s pure grain al- CIIIIAI) drink I did. cohol. They were using it to smoke co- As I got older, things progressed and caine; I was using it to get drunk. I I I started drinking Jim Beam and Jack started keeping a fifth under my seat Daniels, and with that came trouble and all I needed was a couple of shots with my family. Especially with my and some beer to chase it down with. mom. I put her through hell by getting Plenty of beer. Then I woke up in jail drunk and staying out all night, and one day, not realizing I’d been there for stealing money out of her purse. two days on various felony charges. I By the time I was fifteen years old, was told I’d do some major time and it I’d been in trouble with the law so still didn’t phase me. many times it didn’t even phase me Years have passed and I have gotten anymore. I started out doing daredevil my G.E.D., gone to college and to stuff with my friends, like stealing a six- trade school. But none of these things pack or a quart. Then we progressed have had an effect on my life like AA into burglaries, and before I knew it, I has. I’ve been sober and clean for fifwas in juvenile detention again. And teen months, and I’m sharing my story once again Mama bailed me out and I with the hope that someone may learn got away with probation. from it. I can’t say that all my problems I moved to my grandmother’s think- are gone, but I’ve learned to take reing a change was what I needed. But sponsibility for my own actions. And when I got to the new school, I found as the Big Book says, God is doing for the cool crowd and was right back to me what I could not do for myself. my old ways and right back to juvenile And that feeling of uselessness and

W” at’s a lady like you do- asked. Their answer: “You’re an alcodetention. I ended up spending six self-pity does actually disappear. We do I ing in a place like this?” holic, aren’t you!” 1 went that Sunday months in training school and was mis- lose interest in selfish things and gain I’ve been asked that and have been going to corrections faerable. When I got out, I was serious interest in our fellows. ‘ question many times since two burly cilities meetings ever since. about doing right. I got back in school Thank you, Gary, Dave, and Tom fellows from AA showed up on my The fact that I’m an alcoholic is and was doing well. But once again I for bringing AA to prison. And you doorstep one morning many years ago. what qualifies me for correctional reverted to drinking, and as a result I were right, Dave, when you said, They wanted me to go to Waupun meetings, not that I’ve spent time in a quit school and got a job. But that “Don’t give up five minutes before the with them. That’s our state maximum county jail or prison, and not that I’m didn’t last long because I wanted to miracle.” security prison for men. “What would German, Irish, Black, White, or Spanparty. I started drinking and staying out Billy M., Mississippi I have in common with those men!” I ish. It doesn’t matter if I’m male or fe-

male, straight or gay; it doesn’t matter porary contact program -people who He’ll be thirty years old next year and of twenty-six he read his first book. By how I make my living now or how I write to inmates, like a pen pal -and has been drunk since he was nine, with the time he left there, he had read made it in the past. An AA meeting in a literature committee. Because most six weeks being the longest period of eighteen books, some of them having prison is just what meetings have been institutions only have one AA meet- sobriety in all those years. Both of my to do with AA. He’s now serving his . since Bill and Dr. Bob got together: ing a week, the written word becomes sons have been in trouble and have time, going to school, and going to AA one drunk talking to another. more important to inmates, so we’ve done county jail time. My youngest in a facility that I visited many times. When I first started to go to the set up a program in the Southern Wis- son, after being sober for over three I hope that the next time someone Racine County Jail, I’d show up there consin Area to help meet the demand years, decided that he could drink asks you to share your experience, every Thursday night. Sometimes no for literature to our facilities called the again. A year ago last December, two strength, hope, and money with someone wanted to talk to me, and some- Matching Literature Fund (M.L.F). days before Christmas, he was arrested one who is incarcerated, you will retimes only one or two women would After evaluating the need for litera- and spent the next four months wait- member that each of those people is come to the meeting. It probably took ture, we looked at the income of the ing for sentencing. Out of boredom, he someone’s child. three to four years before the staff fi- inmate. In Wisconsin, many inmates enrolled in the G.E.D. class. At the age Karen N., Racine , Wisconsin nally accepted that I was okay. Because only receive a token wage of nineteen it does takes years to establish trust, we cents per hour for an eight-hour day. don’t suggest rotation for outside spon- Even if they go to school while incarsors in our area. I’ve been the outside cerated they only make twenty-eight sponsor of the Womens Group at the cents per hour; the average pay per Racine County Jail for almost ten month is around forty dollars. Out of years. Often people don’t want to get inthis forty dollars the inmate must purchase cigarettes and personal items, FYI for AA inmates volved in corrections work because of cosmetics, snacks, etc. So there isn’t a fear. It may be the fear of getting hurt lot of money for AA literature. Corrections correspondence service that stops people, or the fear that they In our area we decided to make eiwon’t relate to the inmates. It may be a ther the group or the outside sponsor Inmates who are interested in corresponding with an outside AA lack of understanding that once the al- raise half the money for their literature member may write to the Correctional Facilities Desk, General ‘ cohol is out of the person (and that needs. The other half comes out of the Service Office, Box 459, Grand Central Station, N.Y., N.Y. 10163 does usually happen when you’re in- M.L.F. The area’s part of the fund is carcerated), they are no differentfrom $400 per year. This is supplemented by you or me. Alcoholic inmates talk the donations from individuals, groups, Prerelease contact for inmates same language, have the same feelings, and districts. We also have a friend and have the same way of thinking named Millie who goes out around Inmates may write to GSO three to six months before their release that we on the outside have. The only Christmas time “shaking her can” for date, and the Correctional Facilities Desk will provide an AA difference between them and me is donations. member to contact just prior to release to help with the transition they got caught. Recently, this subject came to have We’ve found that people who aren’t a very personal meaning for me. I have from AA on the “inside” to AA on the “outside.” yet ready to go into the institutions can two sons who are both alcoholic and serve the corrections committee in a chemically dependent; my oldest son number of other ways. We have a tem- is in San Diego living on the streets.

July 1997 J’, ,

I am presently incarcerated in the county jail, and I now realize it’s the direct result of my drinking. It didn’t take me long to lose everything I had: my freedom, my child, and my had an opportunity to sit and take a personal inventory of my life. I came t o the conclusion that I want t o change and need to change if I am to live. I was never more serious about self-respect. anything in my life. I’ve started at- I started drinking a t the age of tending A A meetings and substance eleven. A t that time, I didn’t realize abuse meetings, and reading my Big that my behavior while drinking was Book every day. socially unacceptable. A lot of my Each time I enter a meeting I focus friends drank – it was the “in” thing on the topic and how that topic can to do. As I grew older my alcoholism help me and how I can apply that topprogressed. ic in my everyday life. A personality I’ve been in and out of change has come about in me as a reseveral juvenile and adult sult of working the Steps each day. I penal institutions. I al- grow stronger as I continue to stick ways made resolutions to like glue with my God. This has enchange and never return. abled me to help others who were A t the age of eighteen I feeling as lost as I was. Sometimes it’s attempted to attend A A difficult to carry the message, but I try meetings in prison to to write letters and try to share what change my life around I’ve learned about the Steps with the and combat my alco- other inmates. Each day I try t o holism, but there was no grow more and more in my quest sincerity in my heart. 1 for sobriety. was only doing it for my Without my sponsor and the other mother and to please oth- volunteers who come to the jail every er people; it wasn’t for week, I never would have made it this myself. When 1 was re- far. They have inspired me to continleased 1 went back to the ue to grow. Through their help I’ve old people, plwxs, and also developed ;I spiritual bond with things that caused me to my God. One of the most important pay so much. 1 still things I’ve learned is that 1 have viewed the drinking life everything to gain and nothing to lose as being fun. I was rein- by staying sober. My family and my carcerated again at the sponsor are there in my corner. I’m age of twenty. I’ve been grateful every day for getting another here now for sixteen chance to have a beautiful life. months. This time I’ve Niurka R., Houston, Texas

July 1997

who was, like myself, an alcoholic, world. I stopped drinking between would be killed because of a woman Christmas and New Years Eve of 1995. he was seeing. I wrote to my old man But my recovery journey didn’t start but all I got back was a few dollars and till February 1996. an “I love you” note. About a year lat- I still had the soft-cover Big Book er I was studyingfor my G.E.D. when the guard had given me. I went to a report came over the television. My work and started reading from the cellmate told me, “Someone got killed Preface. But my attention was called in Meriden.” On the television I saw to the first three lines in the Forward

w police, a bath of blood, and a pint of to the First Edition: “We, of Alcoen 1 first came to AA in have the courage to take my life. I vodka. Instantly I told my cellmate, “I holics Anonymous, are more than one 1990, I was incarcerated and chose to kill myself slowly and more know that’s my father who just got hundred men and women who have close to being released. I painfully. killed.” No name was given, but I recovered from a seemingly hopeless . wanted recovery but I didn’t stop I was given a two-year sentence and knew. I felt that something had de- state of mind and body.” I knew at this drinking or using drugs. God placed an sent to a drug and alcohol program run ~artedfrom me. It turned out that my point that I was home. AA member in my life who worked me by the department of corrections. I father had been killed by the woman’s At age twenty-six, I have been givhard on the Big Book, but I didn’t want kept drinking and using drugs. I was husband. en a way of life. Today I sit in my cell to learn. My alcoholism was stronger sent to a jail because I broke into an After a few more months I was where I’ve just finished writing my than my desire to recover. office and stole. In this jail I assaulted a transferred to another jail with a little Fourth Step. It took me three months I went home, went to meetings from staff member. While I was in segrega- more freedom and five meetings a and four days to write it, but I did it. the first day out, got a sponsor and tion I became more violent – even week. Here God went to work from The experience and ,growth have been called him all the time, but the reser- when I wasn’t drinking I was insane. the first day. out of this world. vations were there. When alcoholism My alcoholism took hold of my life A man God had put in my life six Thanks to God and the Fellowship took over my life again I lost the little I and it seemed to me that there was no years before came back into my life, of Alcoholics Anonymous I’ve been had: a girlfriend, a car, a home, and a turning back. this time with force. This man was a able to begin to heal. I turn my will job. This time it got much worse. I sud- A series of events got me transferred counselor with a considerable amount over to God every morning and go denly realized that the people in the to a stricter unit in another facility of sobriety and the desire to help oth- about my life in jail. I only ask God for Fellowship were right. I couldn’t drink when I had three and a half years to ers. He asked me if I was willing to go help today because all I’ve got is today. and feel comfortable with my life. I go. I had a single cell with only a ra- to any length. I said, “Yes, I’m ready to All the answer$ to whatever problems knew that it was a matter of time but I dio, so here I started to read more. jump as high as AA asks me to jump.” I may be having can be found in the still didn’t want to stop. One day a guard came by my cell and I poured out my pain, shame, guilt, Steps of AA. The Steps show me how When 1 came back to jail, I was ac- handed me a soft-covered Big Book. I embarrassments, and all my resent- to live. tually relieved. I knew I’d get much said, “Hey, is this a Bible!” ments against life, my father, and the lose R ., Enfield, Connecticut worse. Days without showers were be- The guard said, “It’s a Bible to some coming a routine. I didn’t want to go of us.” I never did read it there but I home; I just wanted to drink and par- kept it. ty. I was twentytwo years old and life One day a strange and chilling seemed very empty to me. There were thought came to my mind. What days when I wanted to die, bm I didn’t came to my mind was that my father,

November 199 1

From inside From Sacramento, California:

Greetings. ~ ‘ dlike to say thank you for the wonderful letters in the recent issues. I have a letter of my own and perhaps it won’t be as articulate as the ones I’ve read but 1’11 feel good just writing it. I’m in prison serving a long stretch. I feel lonely a lot except when Tuesday rolls around. That is this institution’s designated day for AA meetings. I thank God for these meetings because they help me deal with this place honestly and with other recovering alcoholics. In our AA meetings I have made friends truly with both Hispanics and whites. I am African-American. In our meetings I try to be of service first, and to share my personal experiences with alcoholism. It really saddens me to watch someone who is getting released try and manipulate AA to their satisfaction. I’m sorry to say that those people, unless they receive a divine inspiration from God, will be back. Today I am working the Steps as a way of life not just reading material. I needed to straighten out my life and the AA program is helping me do just that, one day at a time. Bruce