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Udert's Anonymous and GAlil-ANON
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WE WISH TO EXPRESS OUR THANKS TO ALL WHO SO GENEROUSLY
CONTRIBUTED MATERIAL TO MAKE THE PUBLICATION OF THIS
BOOK POSSIBLE.

HY 6715 .LSx

Living with the compulsive
gambler

Published by Gam-Anon
Publishing Trustees................. Kathryn P., LaVora V., and Wanda G.
Edited by G. Armstrong

First printing, June 1966

eS

THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED TO THE CONCEPT THAT:

“There's a destiny that

Makes us brothers,
None goes his way alone
What we send into the
Lives of others,

Comes back into our own.”

LIVING WITH
THE
COMPULSIVE GAMBLER

1. LIVING WITH THE COMPULSIVE GAMBLER

TABLE OF CONTENTS.
|. Living with the Compulsive Gambler
ll. Personal Experiences

Il]. Gam-Anon Recovery Program
(a) History and Purposes of Gam-Anon
(b) Twelve Steps of Recovery
(c) Twelve Steps of Unity

iV. Prayers, Meditations and Thoughts to Build on

COMPULSIVE GAMBLING

Compulsive gambling is the obvious symptom of an emotional
disorder. The emotional factors involved are; inability or unwilling-
ness to accept reality, emotional insecurity, basic immaturity, and
lack of self esteem . . . The gambler finds that he is most comfortable
when gambling. Many psychiatrists feel that he had an underlying
need for self-destruction.

Compulsive gambling brings despair and humiliation into the
lives of countless thousands of men, women and children. The
compulsive gambler is a person who is dominated by an irresistible
urge to gamble . . . Coupled with this, is the obsessive idea that a
way will be found not only to control the gambling but to ‘‘make it
pay” and enjoy it besides. This disease causes deterioration in
almost all areas of the person’s life.

The compulsive gambler attempts to create an image of him-
self as a philanthropist and an all around “good fellow’’. Much of
the time he lives in a dream world which satisfies his emotional
needs. He dreams of a life filled with friends, new cars, mink coats,
penthouses, yachts etc. Pathetically there seems never to be big
enough winnings to make even the smallest dream come true; prob-
ably because whatever monies won are, to him, sacred. He must
always return to win more; no amount is sufficient. Ultimateiy he
gambles in reckless desperation and his dream world brings him
no relief. He destroys himself and everyone he touches. When the
compulsive gambler reaches the point where he is willing to admit
he has a problem and has a desire to stop gambling, he will find
help through Gamblers Anonymous.

WHAT CAN | DO IF MY HUSBAND REFUSES
TO ACCEPT HELP FROM G.A. ?

Most compulsive gamblers will not admit a need for help until
their compulsion has made their life intolerable. Each must find his
own depth. They speak of it as their ‘‘bottom’’. Each gambler’s

“bottom” is slightly different. If is, in my opinion the loss or the,

threatened loss of the person or thing most important to him. It may
be the loss of his family, loss of freedom because of threatened
incarceration or a realization of his personal and complete loss of
self respect. The wife or family always realizes long before the
gambler, his need for help. This realization causes her to have a
feeling of utter helplessness and loss of hope. There is nothing so
devastating as to sit with hands tied and watch the person you love
destroy himself. A wife, in most cases, cannot help her husband.
She can, however, make him aware that there is help for him and
ask him to seek it in Gamblers Anonymous.

4

Experience teaches us it is seldom helpful to give the gambler
financial assistance when he is gambling, despite the fact that he
will demand, make promises which he will not keep, beg and plead
pitiously. Neither does it help to nag, threaten, nor plead with him.
It may be necessary to point out to him when he is in the throes
of a gambling episode that he’s not fooling you, he needs to be
made aware of the reality of the situation. Lying for him gets the
same results as lying for a child to keep him out of trouble. Examine
your actions in dealing with him to be sure you are not aiding him
and making it possible for him to continue to destroy himself.

lf the wife of a gambler is to live with this problem, without
complete self-destruction, she will need help for herself. She must
keep her sense of values, her equilibrium, and remain stable. Gam-
Anon can provide the therapy necessary. It is our hope that the
wife of the compulsive gambler will find in this book and in Gam-
Anon, hope for herself and renewed faith that eventually her
husband can find his way from his personal hell of compulsive
gambling.

DOES LIVING WITH THE COMPULSIVE GAMBLER
TEND TO MAKE ONE NEUROTIC?

Living with this problem proves to be an extremely devastating
experience for most of us. The constant emotional beating to which
we are exposed takes its toll. | am certain you will agree that, after
a time, we become confused, feel trapped and experience difficulty
in making decisions. We live with despair and cannot solve our
problems because we have a “tiger by the tail.’

The wife may experience any of these symptoms: dizziness,
heart palpitations, hysteria, sudden inappropriate outbursts of
anger, listlessness, severe headaches, withdrawal from friends and
family, loss of appetite or excessive overeating and eventually
thoughts of self destruction.

Neurosis can be defined as an inability to deal with stress
in an appropriate and healthy manner. Each of us has a breaking
point and eventually when we live with this problem we will reach
this point if we do not seek help.
8. GO EASY WITH YOUR CRITICISM.

Don’t expect too much of others. Don't try to fit them into a
preconceived pattern. Instead of being critical,~search out the other
person’s good points and help him to develop them.

HOW CAN I KEEP MYSELF EMOTIONALLY
HEALTHY WHEN MY HUSBAND IS GAMBLING ?

1. TALK IT OUT.

Don’t bottle it up. Confide your worry to some levelheaded
person you trust. The talking-out process has enormous therapeutic
value — relieves your strain, helps you see your way more clearly. =

9. MAKE YOURSELF AVAILABLE.

Do you sometimes feel rejected, left out of things? Don't with-
draw and sulk. Chances are that people are waiting for you to make
the first move. Don’t make all the overtures, because a healthy
relationship is a give-and-take one, but you'll be happier if you
make your share of them.

2. ESCAPE FOR A WHILE.

Yes, a change helps — whether it is a change of activity,
scene, or people. It lets you recover breath and balance. But remem- 0
ber to return to your difficulty when you are in better condition to 10.

ifs

4
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SCHEDULE YOUR RECREATION.

cope with it. mem Don’t drive yourself. Let up and relax — frequently. Realize
that definite times for recreation and hobbies are just as important
3. WORK OFF YOUR ANGER. as definite times for work. Include recreation in your daily schedule
- and stick to it.
Let your “revenge’’ wait until tomorrow. Meanwhile work off
your pent-up energy by cleaning house, working at a hobby, taking =
a long walk, doing something. It takes a cool head to handle a
problem properly. =
4. GIVE IN OCCASIONALLY. pt |
Frequent quarrels and feelings of defiance are characteristic i:
of frustrated children. Giving in once in a while — even if you are ae WHAT IS GOOD MENTAL HEALTH
dead right— is easier on your system. When you give in, often "
others will too. Here is a simple four-point check list to remember.
5. DO SOMETHING FOR OTHERS. thea 1. Emotional health is being in balance, as God made you —
a=, ,
Doing something for somebody else is a wonderful way to and not tossed around by your emotions.
stop worrying about yourself. Make it something positive and 3 2. Emotional health is being comfortable with yourself, as well
helpful, and perhaps unexpected. You will be surprised at how much + as with other people.
better you feel. :
= 3. Emotional health is finding satisfaction in the things that

6. TAKE ONE THING AT A TIME. ] occupy your time, both work and play.

Are you overwhelmed, perhaps panicky, at the amount of |. Emotional health is doing something about your respon- |
work to be done? You can clear it up, more easily and quickly than sibilities and your problems.
you believe, by tackling just one thing at a time — starting with
the most urgent. Forget about the others until you get to them.

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If you find yourself falling short in the above checklist maybe you
should look for the help you need in the fellowship of Gam-Anon.

7. GO EASY ON YOURSELF. ; If there is not a group in your area write to the National Service

am
ia;

Don't expect too much of yourself. Remember, you are not a s= Office for information about forming such a group.
‘superman.’ No one can be perfect in everything. Put honest effort a :
into the things you do, and do the best you can. Be tolerant of c=
your shortcomings.
i=
6 7

THOUGHTS TO BUILD ON

Can | be strong enough as a person to be separate from the
other? Can | be a sturdy respector of my own feelings, my own
needs, as well as his? Can | own and, if need be, express my own
feeling as something belonging to me and separate from his feel-
ings? Am | strong enough in my own separateness that | will not
be downcast by his depression, frightened by his fear, nor engulfed
by his dependency? Is my inner self hardy enough to realize that |
am not destroyed by his anger, taken over by his need for depen-
dence, nor enslaved by his love, but that | exist separate from him
with feelings and rights of my own? When | can freely feel this
strength of being a separate person, then | find that | can let myself
go much more deeply in understanding and accepting him because
| am not fearful of losing myself.

Am | secure enough within myself to permit him his separate-
ness? Can | permit him to be what he is— honest or deceitful,
infantile or adult, despairing or over-confident? Can | give him
the freedom to be? Or do | feel that he should follow my advice, or
remain somewhat dependent on me or mold himself after me?

LIVING WITH A COMPULSIVE GAMBLER

| have been married to a compulsive gambler for the last
twenty years. The first fifteen, of which, were years of misery as
any wife of a compulsive gambler will testify.

The day my husband found G.A. was, without doubt, one of
the most wonderful days of our life together. At last we saw a way
out of the valley of despair. | thought at first, that both G.A. and
Gam-Anon had some kind of magic power which would heal all
our wounds and change my husband, from a sick neurotic man, into
a normal person. For myself, | expected to find the complete relation-
ship with my husband that we, as a married couple, had never
experienced.

At the time my husband joined G.A., | don’t believe | had
any real conception of the true nature and depth of his illness. |
knew he was a sick man, yet had no understanding of his problem.
| thought that if only he would quit gambling he would be a well
person. At this point my husband has not gambled for four years
and eight months. During this time with the help of Gam-Anon |
have learned a great deal about his illness. In some respect, the
things | have learned scare me. | realized what a truly neurotic
person he was, to some extent still is and will always be. | know
now that he is not just a nice guy who gambled too much, but a
sick man who needs not only the help of G.A. but also the help of
an understanding wife. Every day | am made more aware of these
facts, with this awareness, |! search for and continue to find ways to
fulfill my role as the wife of a man with an illness which may be

8

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arrested but probably never cured. | like to think that G.A. is his
doctor and that perhaps my role is somewhat like that of a nurse.
How can | help him? What can | do? First, | believe that | must learn.
not to demand too much of him. An emotionally sick man finds it
difficult to give of himself. He is a lonely man who had difficulty
in relating to others. | can strive to accept him as he is. Maybe | can
help him to realize his true worth. | will do my best to make his
home a happy one and | will give him evidence of my love for him
by asking only for what he can give freely in return.

CAN I HELP ?

Compulsive gambling is a disease most baffling to those of
us who live with it. We wonder what we can do to help them when
our husbands join G.A. It is important for us to realize that gambling
has been their first love. It is, for them, like a haven where all
problems are forgotten. In G.A. he cannot use this avenue of escape:
Our husbands learn that they cannot hide and they must face their
problems. This is the time our understanding may be greatly needed.
We may find them the most difficult to live with; at this point they
may become moody and depressed, then at times may seem overly
exuberant. Recovery will not be accomplished overnight. It is wise
to remember there is no known cure for the compulsive gambler:
He may arrest his gambling but the underlying causes remain:

Acceptance of these facts is important if we are to be of any
help. They will need our understanding and compassion. We learn
not to demand too much too soon. We need to respect our husbands
privacy. If he is depressed, try to be cheerful without over doing it.
If he is withdrawn, we may attempt to draw him out, but at times
find it best to allow him to work through his problems alone. When
we learn not to react to our husband’s every mood, we not only
help ourselves, but we are able to help him as well.

MY HEART TODAY SMILES AT ITS PAST NIGHT OF TEARS LIKE A
WET TREE GLISTENING IN THE SUN AFTER THE RAIN IS OVER.

| found the above bit of Japanese poetry in my son’s text book.
It describes my life so well. | feel certain it fits many of us who's
husband has found a new life with the help of G.A.; as we have
found in Gam-Anon. This poem describes exactly the way | felt
when my husband found G.A. The past night of tears for me was a
long night; a night extending some fifteen years, one long night of
tears and despair; a night in which | searched blindly for the will-of
-the-wisp of serenity and peace of mind. Today | have found a
measure of that for which | searched, although a trace of the night
remains like ‘a wet tree glistening in the sun after the rain is over’.

If you are at this time, struggling through that “long night”,
take heart. We in Gam-Anon and our husbands in GA. hold the
cage which we offer to you; a gift that we can keep only if we give
it away.

JUST FOR TODAY

JUST FOR TODAY | WILL BE UNAFRAID. ESPECIALLY | WILL NOT
BE AFRAID TO ENJOY WHAT IS BEAUTIFUL, AND TO BELIEVE THAT
AS | GIVE TO THE WORLD, SO THE WORLD WILL GIVE TO ME.

Most wives of compulsive gamblers, are not strangers to fear.

It has been our closest companion for years. Rarely have we escaped
it except for short periods of time. We have wrestled with fear
through long nights and at times it has dominated our lives. We
have known so many different kinds of fear— it surrounded us.
We learned to fear the insistent ringing of a phone, the haunted
look in the eyes of our husband, each new day, and the sound of
the door bell chimes. The mailman held a special fear for us and
most of all, we knew the gnawing fear of losing control; insecurity
and fear walked hand in hand through our lives. We lived with
those nagging, black, unnamed fears which encircled us until we
became shrinking shadows of our former selves. The careless free-
dom and bright hope of our youth was gone. Then came GAM-
ANON ! We found others who had lived with fear. We learned that
individually we were helpless in dealing with this problem, but we
found strength in and through each other. We joined together —
together we fought our fears. We looked for and found hope and
understanding. | feel this verse by an unknown poet to be
appropriate:

FRIGHTENED YOU ARE MY ONLY FRIEND

FRIGHTENED WE ARE EVERYONE

SOMEONE MUST TAKE A STAND

COWARD TAKE MY COW ARD’S HAND

RESIGNATION

Resignation seem to be such a negative word. Perhaps to
people on the “outside” it is. Those of us who have been able to
truly take the first step in Gam-Anon have found resignation to be
a necessary requirement. Maybe for years we longed to resign —
sometimes we even thought of resigning from life. Somehow we
could not allow ourselves to give up — to admit there was no way
out for our husband. We journeyed through the years seeing one
hope after another smashed. As for myself, | always thought |
could find a solution. | found it impossible to resign myself. | won-
dered why God allowed my life to be as it was. Was | being pun-
ished ? Now I can see that God has a special mission for. people
like you and me. | am aware that only through suffering can we
hope to understand the suffering of another. In resignation | have
found hope for myself and compassion for others. Sometimes |
find myself wondering what | would do if my husband gambled
again after four and one-half years of abstinence. At these times
| need to be reminded that this is a decision which need not concern
me today. This is a day to day program. If the day should come
when the symptoms of his illness return, the power greater than |
will see me through.

10

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SELF-TRUST IS THE FIRST SECRET OF SUCCESS

People are always looking for security, as they have been
doing since time began.

Security is a wonderful thing — but where do you find it ?

A long, long time ago | concluded that when you looked to
someone else, you were looking in the wrong direction. The greatest
security a person can have comes from within himself. Nothing any-
one can do for you can begin to match what you can do for yourself.

If you give to your vocation as a wife and mother — enthu-
siasm, talent, energy and determination, you will find an inner
strength and security that can never be taken from you. You will
also find something you can enjoy now and every day of your life,
instead of waiting for some far-off-future. Don’t dream about
security, make it for yourself — out of yourself. Dare to believe in
yourself and act accordingly. If you do, both your present and your
future are secure.

ROAD TO SUCCESS
If you , lace God first in your life,
All other things come also, But if you
place the other things of life first,
and God near the last—then, likely as
not, you lose everything now and in the next world,
God knows of your temporal needs better than you.
Put Him first because of love for him—
You'll get what you need because He loves you!

RAINY DAY THRIFT

One may grow so concerned about some future rain that he'll never enjoy
TODAY’S SUN.

11

HOW MUCH AM I WILLING TO GIVE ?

Most of us are aware that, in this life, we never get something
for nothing. We are probably more aware of the fact than most.
Our husbands chased this idea for many miserabie years of their
lives. When we find Gam-Anon and our husbands find G.A. we
feel we have been given a wonderful gift.

Perhaps we should take time to examine and analyze this
gift. | hardly think that the expression ‘Never look a gift horse in
the mouth” applies to Gam-Anon and G.A. Most of us are so eager
and willing to receive this so-called gift, but what we sometimes
forget is that in both fellowships the peace of mind and serenity
we find is not a gift, but a state of mind which must be developed
through diligent effort on our part.

After our husbands stop gambling and we begin to feel good
again, so very often we forget that we cannot keep this good feeling
unless we give it away. We should be willing to give of ourselves.
When | say this, | mean take time to call a new member even when
it’s inconvenient, be willing to serve in the field of publicity and to
carry the message.

So often | have heard a member say, I’d love to help but I’m
just too busy with my family. They forget one important fact —
in all probability, without Gam-Anon and G.A. they might not have
a family!

12

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PERSONAL EXPERIENCES

13

THE DOCTOR’S WIFE

| am Sally, the wife of a compulsive gambler. | have been a
member of the first London Group of Gam-Anon for nine months
and so | know now that my story follows the pattern of so many
other wives of compulsive gamblers, but before the miracle of G.A.
came into our lives, in my utter misery and aloneness, | could never
have dreamed that there was another woman who was suffering
as | was.

My husband is a Doctor of Medicine, and we have been mar-
ried for 19 years. We enjoyed four short years of happiness, during
which time our three children were born before he started to gamble.
It all started so innocently. He asked me one day whether | minded
if he joined a bridge club. | said of course he could, particularly as
he assured me that it would just mean his playing one night a
week until about 11 o’clock. Until then, to the very best of my
knowledge, he had never indulged in gambling of any sort. Very
soon one night a week became three, and often he would play
until three or four o’clock in the morning. | would try to sleep but
even if | eventually managed to, | always woke in the early hours
to discover that he wasn’t home yet and | would lay there listening
to the engines of passing cars, always waiting for his car to pull
up and stop.

This was just the beginning of 15 years of nights spent in
wakefullness and fears — and the start of scenes that in my terrible
misery | caused .. . Even then | was bitterly ashamed of this. The
hours and hours, night after night that | would stand at my lounge
windows looking out into the darkness, crying in my unhappiness,
wondering where my husband was and only wanting to see his
car pull up and see him step out... The children would beg me to
go to bed but | could not. | could never understand how a husband
could hurt his wife in this way. | used to say time and again to him,
“We see so much of unhappiness and tragedy in your practice, we
know better than most people how short life can be sometimes,
isn’t that all the more reason that no one should deliberately cause
unhappiness to another?’”’ But in those days, to reason with my
husband was an impossibility.

From cards he quickly went on to horse racing, dog racing and
then finally, when they legally came to London a year or so ago,
to the Casinos. Crisis followed crisis, each involving 7,000 to 10,000
(pounds) in all, during the fifteen years. | believe that he lost possibly
40,000 (pounds). With every crisis, when money had to be found
quickly for the ‘“\dangerous ones, he promised that never would it
happen again and | would hope and trust, always to be let down.

One of the nicest things about my husband when | married him

was his wonderful nature . . . He not only made a delightful son-in-
law for my parents, but a greatly sought after friend and a wonder-
ful Doctor to his patients . . . He loved his work:, knew every single

one of his 4000 patients by their first names and always had a
smile and a joke for them. They used to say that they felt better
as soon as they saw him... In his off-duty hours he would play

14

golf. We had so many friends that | can actually recall getting up
one morning and saying to him, “Do you realize that for the next
21 days we are doing something every single night?” If | had only
realized then how our lives would change! At the end of the 15
years of gambling the only friends we had were a few from within
the family .. . As a person he had changed beyond recognition.
Completely gone was the friendly happy man, all that was left was
a morose, haunted looking person who never conversed with anyone
— only escaping into sleep even when we were among other people.

During those years, the house in which we live, and from which
my husband practices, has steadily grown shabbier and shabbier.
Everything that was once new became worn out and was never
replaced. The outside of the house has not been painted for 17
years, and the only decoration done inside the house has been what
| have managed to do myself. The flaked off paint work, the holes
in the carpets, the frayed curtains did not register with my husband
. . . Nothing at all mattered to him, except to be able to go on
gambling.

At my insistence he went reluctantly to a Psychiatrist, but |
know now that he lied to him and would be gambling right up to
the time of his appointment and immediately afterwards.

This state of affairs continued until July, 1964 with things
getting steadily worse and with the last financial crisis occuring in
June, it all looked so hopeless that | could only see imprisonment
lying ahead, in the very near future for my husband. Up to that
time | had never heard the term ‘‘compulsive gambler’ used. | just
thought that my husband could only be insane to have done what
he did time and time again, never to learn.

It was just at this time, when my despair was endless, that |
read an article in one of our national newspapers about an Ameri-
can, Henry F., who had come to England and was proposing to
start a G.A. group in London. When | read of all the things this
otherwise highly intelligent, capable man had done, | said “bet
that is my husband !"" And that is how | came to know that he was
a compulsive gambler. How many nights had | cried aloud to God
“Why, oh why isn’t there a G.A. to help people like us as there is
an A.A. to help the alcoholics?’’ But | had no knowledge that in
America there were over 90 such groups! This was not known in
England. | showed the article to my husband, people cut it out and
sent it to him, but he still refused to believe he was like Henry F.

Only three weeks later on the very afternoon that | finally made
the decision that | must take the children and leave my husband,
the telephone rang, and it was a patient and friend, who strangely
enough is a bookmaker by profession, ringing to beg my husband
to go along to the next G.A. meeting. Where all my pleading had
failed, he succeeded. But it doesn’t really matter who won, the
important thing is that together we went along. Almost as important
is the fact that my husband went and that we did something to-
gether, after years of having so little in common to do together.
He went reluctantly and | went in such deep despair but we
emerged, he from his meeting and | from mine, transformed. He

15

learned that he wasn't the only monster in the world to have done
the things he had to his wife and family. | discovered there were
actually other women who had experienced all the distress that |
have thought was mine alone. We also rediscovered a faith in God.
It was surely God’s hand that had brought Vivian and Henry to
London and with them G.A. And what was also so delightful was
his choice of American Ambassadors. If you scoured America you
couldn't find two more wonderful warm sincere and friendly people
than Vivian and Henry. In my daily prayers | thank God for bringing
them to England and with them the miracle of G.A., because miracle
it has been. Our lives are altered beyond recognition. After the first
three weeks my husband gave up gambling and has never returned
to it, which means that he has abstained from gambling for over 8
months now. At their first election he was made first secretary of the
London group, and recently when they had new elections, he was
made first national secretary for England . . . Which is indeed an
honor. He is now as he was fifteen years ago. We are happier now
than we have ever been because we value our happiness so much
more, having experienced so much unhappiness. Our children seem
to have forgotten all the discord we had for so long and once again
seem contented.

In the nine months since we came to G.A. and Gam-Anon ,we
have not missed a single meeting, and our greatest pleasure is
gained when we feel that we have been of some help and comfort
to a new member, The question that | find most often repeated by
hew members is “Will | ever be able to trust him again after all
these years of lies?’ And | am always able to say with certainty
“Yes, you will!’ The very fact that we are there in that room tells
of our love for our husbands, and when we see them giving up their
gambling and see the change in their eyes, their walk and thetr
honest wish to atone for all the unhappiness they have caused, our
love comes flooding back, and with it that so precious commodity
— trustf.

Never, never will we forget what G.A. has done for us. It
brought hope and happiness into our lives again where before
there had only been misery and despair. | can only pray that this
new found happiness and peace of mind may come to all those
wives and families of every compulsive gambler who, with the help
of G.A., continues to stop his gambling. From experience | know that
the wives will find help and friendship beyond their wildest dreams
through Gam-Anon.

Sally R.

London, England

16

A NEW WAY OF LIFE

Words cannot describe the wonderful sense of relief | felt when
my husband Steve finally admitted that he needed help after many
years of compulsive gambling, and sought it in the G.A. fellowship.
| knew somehow that this was the answer to all my prayers through
the years. | found | could sleep through the night without disturbing
and fearful thoughts running through my mind for the first time
during our life together. | became able to relax and to enjoy things
| had been too blinded by my frustrations and anxieties to see
before. Everything | did in the past had become automatic and
without pleasure because | was obsessed constantly with fear, worry
and insecurity. | told myself time after time that this was the cross
| must bear, but as the years passed it became increasingly difficult
to tolerate until, at last, | was ready to give up. | became numb and
eventually reached the point of not caring what happened to either
Steve or me.

My children were grown and married by this time and 1 be-
lieved there was nothing left to fight for, but one day my husband
came home from what was to be his last gambling spree and
suddenly my mind was changed. He looked me straight in the eye
and said, “| have had it, | need help’’ and | believed him, probably
because of the desperate tone of his voice and the equally haunted
and desperate look in his eyes which | had never seen before.

He went to a G.A. meeting several times a week and soon
there was a semblance of normalcy in our home. The fact that we still
owed a lot of money did not worry me for | knew that as long as he
did not gamble the debts would be paid. | began to relax and
enjoy life a bit. But after a few months of this wonderful new way
of living, resentment from the past began to creep into my life. |
was beginning to take his abstinence from gambling for granted
and to feel that he owed me something for the many heartaches |
had suffered because of him. | now know that as he was improving,
| was slipping behind. It was then that | became a member of
Gam-Anon. |, like countless others, felt that there was nothing
wrong with me— hadn’t | suffered with his gambling all these
years and hadn't everyone told me over and over again what a
remarkable person | was to live with a man who gave me nothing
but disappointment and worry?

After attending several Gam-Anon meetings, however, | dis-
covered that if | wanted to really help my husband it would be
necessary for me to improve my way of thinking and living. | lis-
tened to other members speak and | learned, from the message they
carried, how to change my attitude. It was not an easy task to
erase the bitterness of so many years. The first thing | worked on
was-my-attitude toward my husband at home. | suppressed the
desire to be sarcastic and critical toward him and learned, even in
a heated discussion, not to bring up the past. It was important for
Me to remind myself not to indulge in self pity or resentment.

The first step in our Gam-Anon recovery program told me |
was powerless over his gambling and | found myself to be power-

17

less over other things in my life. So | learned to “let go’. | have
learned and continue to learn all these things through my associa-
tion with Gam-Anon. This is a school from which | will never grad-
vate because | know | must practice the principles Gam-Anon
teaches day after day in order to become a more worthwhile person.
My husband has not gambled since September, 1960 and | dread to
think of the kind of person | would have been without the help of
Gam-Anon. | could have become instrumental in sending him back
to gambling or | would have made our life together so miserable
that it would have been little better than before he joined the G.A.
fellowship. One of the best things | have learned is self-forgetfull-
ness. Tnis is not difficult if | remain in Gam-Anon. | am fortunate to
have the opportunity of reaching out a hand to those who suffer as
| have suffered in the past. But | realize that unless | help myself,
! cannot help others. | have come to love the Serenity prayer, but
my favorite prayer, one which | repeat often is “God help us to
become Masters of ourselves so that we may become servants of
others.”
Kathryn P
California

18

LIFE WITH BILL

Bill and | were married in 1954, and | knew he had gambled
and did things which were dishonest, but | didn’t realize he had a
terrible illness. | believed he would stop gambling after we were
married. | wouldn’t listen to anyone who tried to warn me as | was
convinced | could change him. It didn’t take long to find | was wrong.

Soon after we were married he went on a gambling spree. |
remember how shocked | was to learn he had lost all our money.
This was just the beginning of worry and heartache. Many sprees
followed, each time he came home he would sit with his head in his
hands and say he didn’t know why he had gambled and promised
never to gamble again. | wanted desperately to believe him. We
always had to find a way to survive until the next payday. | had
to be the one to face the bill collectors with lies. | quit answering the
door or the phone. | even told my mother when she called to let
the phone ring once and call back, | would not answer otherwise.

1 found out that Bill had written two checks which he knew
we couldn‘t cover and it frightened me. | think that’s when | realized
there was something terribly wrong with my husband. | tried many
times to talk with him about it, but we were unable to discuss this
problem.

|! was awakened one night about midnight to find Bill gone.
He had gone to a card club after | fell asleep. In anger, | called my
father to come for me, but the next day | returned when Bill promised
to quit gambling. After that, | found it very hard to go to sleep for
fear he would sneak out again.

| learned | was pregnant with our first child and | thought this
would make him stop gambling. Instead, he became worse. | used
to think he couldn't possibly love me and treat me like this. | planned
to stay with Bill until the baby was born, thinking that if he wouldn't
stop gambling for me, he might for the baby. | worked during six
months of my pregnancy, but I had to quit because of the strain. My
paychecks were going for his gambling, anyway, so why work?

After our baby girl was born, | arranged to be released from
the hospital a day early because we were short of money. | called
my husband's place of employment to tell him to come for me. |
was told he hadn't come to work that day, my heart sank. There
was nothing to do but call his folks to come for me. they were the
only ones | knew who had money for the hospital bill. They were
kind to me. Bill’s deceit left me bitterly confused, | felt | should leave
him, yet | feared that if | did, he would really get into trouble and
go to prison — so | stayed.

Now | wondered how | endured it, | spent so rnany nights
alone. | sat by the window crying, waiting for him to come home,
hoping and praying that each car which turned on to our block
would be his. | tried calling every card club | knew, asking them to
tell Bill it was an “emeraency call’’ but no avail, even if he heard
his name called he wouldn’t come to the phone. When he finally
came home, | would scream and yell at him which wasn’t like me.
The names | called him were awful. He would sit with his head

19

a

lowered not saying a word and I'd calm down a bit then we would
try to talk things out. It wasn’t easy because everything | said he
twisted into a different meaning, making me feel as though | were
to blame for his gambling. I’d usually end the argument saying,
“O. K. — we'll try it your way.” I'd build my hopes up again, only
to have them smashed the next day, if he was able to borrow some
money.

One day | went to visit my mother. While | was gone, he sold
our dining room set, pawned our radio and silverware. | couldn't
trust him after that. If he said he was going to get a haircut,
| found an excuse to go with him because | no longer believed any-
thing he told me. He had let me down too many times.

| became suspicious of everything he did. If he was late getting
home from work, I’d accuse him of gambling. When | discovered
that I’d been wrong, | thought to myself, “He probably will gamble
now just to get back at me.” | also became very sneaky. | had to
hide what money that came into my hands, I'd go through his wallet
when he was asleep, | could usually sense when he was going to
gamble or had been gambling.

One time he let traffic citations accumulate as he had gambled
and lost the money with which he should have paid the fines. One
afternoon a police officer came to arrest him. | was so scared |
didn’t know what to do or where to turn. His parents were
on vacation and we owed everyone else. There was nothing to do
but let him sit in jail. This hurt me terribly, but at the same time |
thought it might make him see the light. Our furniture was reposes-
sed during that period and | had to move in with my parents be-
cause we were so far behind on our rent. It was a hard struggle but
| hoped thai, after being in jail, he would straighten out.

We lived with my parents for two and a half months, for Bill
had lost his job. He decided to go to work on the ranch for his dad,
and we moved in with his folks. Bill worked hard and seemed happy,
although it wasn’t an easy life for us, he didn’t gamble. My worries
began when he started building up a commercial egg route. | found
that he was using the money earned for gambling. | hated him for
this. | couldn’t understand anyone stealing from their own parents.

After much heartache and humiliation, we decided it would be
best if we left the ranch. Bill got a good job with an insurance
company. It wasn’t long before they found he had lost a previous
job due to gambling and fired him. He was able to get another job
as a salesman and things went sailing along for about three months.
| can say | was happy and regained my trust in him at that time.
We were able to pay old bills once again. | trusted him with the
money — trusted him to leave the house for work or for a haircut —
and | didn’t feel | had to go with him anymore.

Then came that terrible day when he left to pay his sister some
money he had borrowed, and went to the club instead. We thought
a psychiatrist could help him, since | couldn‘t tolerate anymore. |
expressed my frustrations in dealing with our three little children
unjustly. They didn't understand what was happening. They would

20

ask me, “Where is Daddy and why are you crying?” ! had
no answer to their questions.

Bill went to a psychiatrist for about two months and ended
it one day by going to a card club instead of keeping his appoint-
ment with the doctor. | remember how sick | was to find that
psychiatry couldn't help him.

On our daughter's birthday, he gambled again. | was numb
with despair. | think | was ready for a mental institution. | begged
Bill to seek help. The next day he went to the state hospital to see
if they could help him. They referred him to Gamblers Anonymous.
He called G. A. at once and they told him someone would come to
see us that evening. A young couple visited us. | was amazed as
they told us their story. | had always thought we were the only
ones in the world with a problem like that.

Bill went to his first meeting on February 7, 1962. | was very
skeptical at first. Bill's gambling problem seemed so bad to me
that | couldn’t understand how this would help him. | was worried
when Bill came home from that first meeting because he didn’‘t
have much to say. All he said was, “It’s O. K.’’ | didn’t think he was
overly impressed with what he had seen and heard, but he kept
going to the meetings and | went with him when | was able. | was
fooled by what | thought was his negative first reaction to G. A.
Apparently it really reached him, for he became deeply interested
in G. A. and everybody in it.

Bill continued to attend meetings, usually three or four a week,
devoting much time helping in the G. A. office. Everything was
beautiful. | was able to trust him and gained respect for him which
| never knew | had before. |, once again, loved life and felt like
a human being.

This good life continued for two and one-half years, then due to
a bad start on a new job and financial reverses, the pressure was
too much for Bill and he gambled for two days. He was out of town
at the time and | had a premonition something was wrong. | felt
as though the world was crashing all around me when he admitted
the truth. | was completely without hope. | felt | would never be
able to regain my trust in him. But still | know if | gave up now, there
would be absolutely no hope.

Bill had learned enough honesty from G. A. to go to a meeting
the next night. My heart ached for him as he stood up before his
friends and admitted his mistake. I‘ll never forget that night as long
as | live. | felt that he had let our friends down, and that no one
would trust him again.

Three things pulled me through that terrible nightmare. My
higher power and our beautiful Serenity Prayer were first on the
list. Our wonderful, wonderful friends in G. A. and Gam-Anon
helped by being so kind and understanding. They had faith and |
had none. Someone said to me at that time, ‘Remember, the most
important thing is, he didn’t gamble today."’ | had heard this many
times at meetings, but it never held a real meaning for me until this
time. | kept thinking about it and realized that it’s not an accumula-

21
tion of months or years of abstinence, it's today that is important.
{ thank God for G. A. and for Gam-Anon, because without it,
| wouldn't have been able to cope with this period in my life. | have.
learned in Gam-Anon that | am powerless over everyone else. The
only person | can change is myself.
Margie M.
California

22

NORMA’S STORY

When Al found G.A. we had been married thirty years, twenty
five of which there was a gambling problem in our home. Even
though | was employed in the Social Service field, | could not , or
perhaps, would not recognize that my husband’s compulsion to
gamble was an illness. Married at 18, my husband 20, we were
very much in love and raised a family of three. Because my husband
was primarily a horse player, and because he controlled his time
when playing cards, we were able to keep the desperate and
heartbreaking results of gambling from our children. It wasn't until
four years before G.A., when our children were grown, that they
became aware of the gambling problem in our home. Al had truly
been a good father, so that our children’s loyalty never waivered.

When | came to Gam-Anon, | identified with all of the Gam-
Anon members because |, too, knew sleepless nights, dreadful fears
and worries. Al used to leave for intervals between one to two
weeks, periodically. | wouldn’t know where he was and | lived with
the fearful anticipation, “when is the next bombshell going to hit
me’. Is he still gambling? Is the money he is bringing home from
his business really ours, or has he already lost a business. Has he
created loans here and there, that our combined paychecks cannot
cover? | wanted so desperately to believe him, that | swallowed lie
after lie. | was so saturated with them, that my doctor, fearing |
might have a mental breakdown, sent me to a psychiatrist. | am a
diabetic, and therefore the emotional stress sent me to the hospital
time and time again.

Through Gam-Anon, however, | have learned that | had to
take my own inventory. | needed to let go of my husband and let
him manage his own life and | could only try to improve my char-
acter defects. | took my inventory, and found that | lied right along
with Al to cover up for him and for myself to my family, to our
creditors and to the people with whom | worked and | also remem-
bered | found time and place, privately, countless times to make
my husband feel lower than a snake.

Al found G.A. by himself. It was after his last gambling spree,
when he had disappeared for approximately two weeks, and |
had already started divorce proceedings. After about three months,
he was able to persuade me to postpone the divorce and give
him six months to show progress. For the first time, he did not
make any empty promise to stop gambling as he did so many
times in the throes of his action, but he promised to continue to
work the G.A. program and even though | agreed to this, | told
him that | would never believe him again as long as | lived !

Al has kept faith with G.A. and with rne for over five years.
In order not to be left behind in character building, | have been
trying to the best of my ability, to work the Gam-Anon program.
| have learned so much humility from the members of G.A., and |
am ever grateful to my husband and to all G.A. members for
being allowed the privilege of being their guest. . . | now believe

23

Al implicitly. Somewhere, somehow, | became free of hate and
resentment and my husband and | enjoy a very fine relationship
which is free of doubt and fear.

| thank God for this program, for the progress | have made so
that | may be worthy of the love and respect | receive from my
husband. Because | allowed my mind to be opened, my resentment
and bitterness has been replaced with a more mature love for my
family and mankind. | admire my husband for doing a fine job,
not on'y by continuously making progress in his own life, but for all
the good he so earnestly tries to do.

| pray that we will be able to continue to grow with this pro-

MY LIFE AS THE WIFE OF A GAMBLER

When Pat and | met and started dating, | knew he liked to
play games of chance and | could not see any harm in it . . . What
could possibly be wrong with anyone who gambled, everyone
played these games so why should Pat feel so upset when he lost?
| thought all he had to do was quit and | assumed that after we
were married and had responsibilities to share he would be more
careful with the money.

We were married a short time when | began to realize | was
not the only attraction in my husband's life. He would spend much

time at a little store around the corner either playing the pinball
machines or just watching others play. When | would call to try to
talk to him sometimes they would say he wasn’t there. One day
after calling, | was suspicious and hurried to the corner to see him
coming out of the place. We argued and with much confusion |
thought | must be wrong. | wanted to believe him so | decided this
must be in my own mind and | felt guilty. Many times | wanted to
throw a bomb into this place just to blow up the pinball machines.
| had no way of knowing that my husband had a terrible progres-
sive illness called gambling sickness and with all of my power
and nagging | would never be able to change this. It would become
worse and not better.

His frequent absence from home led me to believe | was very
inadequate as a wife and unable to hold his interest. For me, there
was loneliness, depression and destructive self pity . . . | began to
invent other women in my mind as being the reason he wouldn’‘t
stay home. | was jealous of every woman in every place he went. |
had always felt inferior and possessive and now, | was insane
with jealousy. It was incredible how my mind could twist the facts
as | saw them, in order to have an answer for his behavior. | did
not know that my real rival was Lady Luck and really next to her
none mattered.

Our first home which Pat built but failed to insure, was shortly
thereafter destroyed by a fire that nearly claimed all of our lives.
We purchased another home but due to Pat’s gambling, lost it, our

/ furniture and our truck. We were on relief and in just a couple of
weeks when our eviction was final, there would have been no place
for the kids to sleep, except on the floor of someone else’s home.
Everything seemed hopeless and | thought the kids miaht even be
better off without us.

Pat had heard of opportunities on the West Coast and decided
to make the break. The county was willing to continue aid for the
children and myself while he looked for work because there was
nothing in Ohio or Michigan at that time.

i | could not help but think that | might never see Pat again

|
| gram, to witness and be a part of the miracle of other broken
| hearted human beings becoming mended and happy again.

| Norma N.
| Los Angeles, Calif.

—— once he left and | was very frightened. We all prayed this would
} — work as it could mean a fresh start in life. We had to run from our
| : = creditors so Pat started to the coast hitchhiking with only a few
‘a dollars in his pocket. He soon found a job and rented a little four
| room house and bought a couple of beds, a table, chairs and a
i ==

24 25

/p
(a

stove, then sent for us. That little house was like heaven because
we were all together again.

We were beginning to make progress when, again, came the
black cloud of gambling. This time he began hitting the card rooms
heavily and here were anxieties for the children, myself and the
terror for my husband. Pat looked tired and sullen as the results of
arguments, crying and screaming became intense. We were both
losing sleep and sanity and it was at this time he told me
he thought he was going out of his mind and was thinking about
seeing a psychiatrist.

Soon we moved again into town and close to church and
before long, with a gentle nudge from the parish priest, the kids
and | began to attend mass. | plunged myself into a vortex of
religion and prayer. | looked for the first time for God and a decent
way of life. Then came God’s answer. One day | was listening to
the radio and a bunch of words began to burn into my mind. They
were talking about Gamblers Anonymous. | talked to the Monsignor
about it and he said there was nothing contrary to the faith and
it might work.

One horrible night soon after this, Pat came home very ‘ate,
but not as late as usual. Something different was wrong, and then
he began to tell me the story of horror and how he almost ended
his life against a brick wall driving home that night. He said he
wanted Gamblers Anonymous to help him and that he was going
to find them. He made contact with another compulsive gambler
and they attended a meeting with the San Jose group and when
he came home | saw a glow in his eyes, he was radiant with hope.
My own flesh tingled with his excitement when he told me of those
wonderful people and the program they had to offer... | went
to a few Gam-Anon meetings, but | couldn't see what good it
could possibly do for me to sit and listen to everyone discussing
his own faults. | felt it was my husband’s deeds that were forcing
us to these meetings. | wasn’t sick, he was!!!

| was looking for a miracle from G.A. by expecting my life to
change immediately. | couldn’t admit that | was wrong about so
many things or because | lacked moral strength my own life had
become unmanageable.

| was certain that having a desire for God's will would give
me the power to guide my husband back into the right way of
life. | constantly nagged at him no matter what he tried to do. He
tried desperately to regain control of the kids again and be a father
to them. | would confront him with his sickness and say that he
wasn’t able to make the right decisions. Finally, when | couldn't
have it my way, | decided to leave him because | felt our marriage
was wrong and wasn’t meant to be.

Pat would not give me a separation or my own way, and |
knew | was powerless and, in spite of myself, God's will would be
done. Then | knew | really needed Gam-Anon and the steps of
recovery. This time when | read the Gam-Anon books, | found the
help | wanted .. . | made a searching and fearless moral inventory

26

and reaiized a great need to work on my own defects of character
... | must put away the things of a child and face reality.

With God’s help and Gam-Anon, | can find the serenity to
accept the things | cannot change. Courage to change the things |
can, and the wisdom to know the difference...

8: Hi,
Northern Californio

27

RETURN FROM DESPAIR

In the early years of our life together, | thought my husband
a clever gambler who used his wits to gamble successfully. | could
not accept the fact that his winnings were merely a fluke

Shortly afler our marriage Stan was hospitalized with tuber-
culosis. During this time he supplemented our tiny income with
winnings from fellow patients. | remember well the first time |
became apprehensive about his gambling. He was in the process
of being transferred from one hospital to another. Unknown to me,
he became involved in a crap game on the train. He lost all the
money we had, and | was forced to borrow from a fellow passenger
in order to eat. Because of his inability to face reality, he could not
admit to me that he had lost the money; instead he led me to
believe that someone had stolen it from my purse. | accused almost
everyone on the train of taking my money and couldn't bring myself
to believe the conductor when he told me that my husband had been
in a crap game the previous night.

The next year or two went fairly well.'A few times his paycheck
mysteriously disappeared but the losses were not frequent. | was
not aware at this time that he was gambling and felt that this part
of our life was over.

It was five years and three children later when we realized that
gambling might be a problem in our lives when we received a
mortgage notice on our car. That was the first time Stan admitted
that he had lost money gambling.

As his gambling worsened, so did our family relationship;
until both became almost unbearable. During these years | hid his
gambling escapades from family and friends. As the children grew,
it became impossible to conceal his illness from them, and even
more impossible to teach them respect for him when | had none. |
lost my respect for him when | was forced to become the pillar of
our family, both emotionally and financially. | hated Stan for creat-
ing this situation but, at the same time, never lost my love for him.

| tried to retain my illusion that our marriage was a complete
partnership in which there could be no deceit nor distrust. When
this illusion was finally shattered, my life fell apart. | became a
bitter, nagging and totally miserable person, creating such an
emotional chasm between us that it could no longer be bridged by
love or understanding. | filled my thoughts with self-pity. | had no
understanding of my children’s or husband's emotional needs.

Because my religious convictions would not allow my divorcing
Stan, | found satisfaction in day dreaming of his death, but at the
same time felt guilt for these thoughts.

| could never voice my hate and resentment to Stan directly,
but through my actions showed it in every way. | degraded him
before the children by treating him as one of them.

When he would steal the children’s banks, | often found myself
screaming to the children ‘How can you be so stupid, hide your
money, you know he'll take it’. They would defend him by replying,”
| don’t care if Daddy takes my money, he can have it all’’.

28

On the other hand, | felt | had failed as a wife and mother and
deserved all the misery in my life. The emotional stresses in my
family became so intensified as to cause one child to often be
physically ill when Stan was away from home. Our family doctor,
after many visits, warned me that if the tension within our family
continued, our son would have an ulcer before his 18th birthday.
Our other children showed their insecurity by poor work in school.
All the children became quarrelsome. | could not make them under-
stand. When our situation was more than | could handle. | would
scream at them until | was no longer conscious of my words. When
this happened, | had the sensation of a dam breaking in my mind
and the thunderous water crashing forth. | felt that | was on the
verge of a mental breakdown.

To see my husband gradually lose his self respect and become
a mere shadow of the man | had once admired so much made my
heart ache for him. | finally came to the realization that my hus-
band’s gambling was not just a problem, but also an illness. |
telephoned our local mental health center seeking help for him. They
recommended Gamblers Anonymous as the only help for compulsive
gamblers. It was not until two years later and Stan had suffered
two heart attacks that he agreed to seek help from Gamblers
Anonymous. ,

The way back to emotional good health has not been easy for
either of us. | joined Gam-Anon and Stan joined G.A. In this group
| have come to accept my husband's illness and to understand and
work through my many personal problems. | realize that compulsive
gambling is only arrested, never cured. In order to acquire a better
way of life in our separate programs, Stan and | find it necessary to
give of ourselves. It is only through helping others that we are able
to help ourselves. Without the help of Gam-Anon | would still be
the nagging, bitter and resentful person | was when Stan gambled.
To see my husband at peace with himself and to have the same
feeling makes my life again worthwhile.

We continue to have problems and we obtain our solutions in
the Gam-Anon and G.A. way of life. Even though my husband has
not gambled for nearly five years, the memory of those years can,
if | allow it, return like a black cloud to destroy my peace of mind.
No one in our family has found it easy to forget the illness which
almost destroyed us. | am content to live my life one day at a time
with God as my guide and Gam-Anon as my family.

Wanda G.
Downey, California

29

MY NAME IS CONNIE

My name is Connie, and | am the wife of a compulsive gambler
We have been attending G. A. and Gam-Anon almost thirteen
months, but in order to see progress we both have made, | must go
back to the beginning.

We have been married ten years and have two children — an
eight year old boy and a four year old girl. For the first five years
of our marriage we lived with my parents in the hopes of accumulat-
ing some money to buy our own home. Needless to say, our financial
picture was very bad as my husband was gambling. | didn’t know
that my husband gambled as he comes from a family of compulsive
gamblers and to hear him talk about the wrongs they were doing
led me to believe that he was the only one in the family who was
trying to lead a decent life. For this reason, when he would come to
me and tell me that he had severe business losses, | believed him;
and who wouldn't he was so convincing.

| was still unaware of the gambling problem when we bought
a lovely home on Long Island with whatever money we could scrape
together. The first year was wonderful | would get my pay envelope
intact and | would take what | needed for the household expenses
and give Bill his weekly money. Little did | know that, in addition
to his regular salary, the firm also paid him a considerable sum off
the books. Naturally, | never saw that money. Between his weekly
allowance and this extra money plus whatever he could beg, borrow
or steal, he had a tidy sum to do with as he pleased and | was
never the wiser. During that first year, although Bill was gambling
very heavily, we managed to furnish our home beautifully. In 1961
the volcano erupted. | suspected something was amiss as the finan-
cial picture took a tremendous reversal. | finally learned that he was
in deep trouble due to gambling. My dad helped him out with a
great deal of money as the thought of jail sentence was more than
he could bear and Bill promised that this would be the end. But
was it? Less than a year later, just before my daughter's first birth-
day, the boom was lowered again. This time | ranted and raved and
threw him out. This separation lasted but one day as he again
promised that this was it, so | took him back. This time the amount
he had lost was too great for anyone to cover. He could not go to
my Father for a touch as he had done in the past and no one else
would have anything to do with him, so he had to work this one
out on his own. He had become so involved that he even feared for
his life. As a result 1 lived in constant terror. | would tremble when
the phone rang, get panicky when the front door bell chimed and
even feared to let my son play out front of the house alone, life was
just unbearable, but Bill did not stop gambling. By this time he had
lost an excellent position, gone through three other businesses and
was in the process of losing the fourth . . . He would con me and
pacify me by saying that business was bad and that was the reason
there was no money coming into the house. If it hadn‘t been for my
parents, at that time, many a night my children would have gone
to bed with empty tummies.

30

My moral and mental bottom came on the eve of our ninth
wedding anniversary. | had prepared a meal that | knew Bill would
enjoy and set the table with a fancy cloth and pretty candles but
Bill never came home that night. To spite him, | drank almost a
bottle of scotch and left the empty bottle and the overturned glass
on the table, along with a note which read “Happy Anniversary,
Darling’’. | spent such a miserable night that | wouldn‘t wish it on
my worst enemy. The next morning when | awakened and looked
at myself in the mirror, | didn’t like what | saw. | made up my mind
right then and there that my husband was not going to drag me
down to his level and that he was not going to make out of me
what he was. | knew | had to do something but | didn’t know what.

This was in February. In April of 1964 after being conned for
the last time and being three months behind on the mortgage, | {eft
him and went back to my parents with the children. While we were
separated, Bill made many attempts to reconcile, but | refused to
listen. | even refused to let him talk with the children when he called.
| guess he knew | really meant business this time. He knew that |
could not go on as before and having reached his bottom not only
financially, but mentally and morally as well, he attempted suicide.
He was now ready for help, | consented to try again only if he
attended G. A. On May ?, 1964 we attended our first G. A. meeting.
| can never forget the date as it was the eve of my daughter's
third birthday.

This first year was a rough one, but it was worth it. We are still
living with my parents in a small three room apartment and have
rented out the house so that it won’‘t be a total loss. | sincerely be-
lieve that my husband is not gambling and that he is trying very
hard to make up for the wrongs he has done in the past. | now have
a husband and my children have a father. There were many, many
nights that our son would get up at three or four in the morning
and not find his father home. Now when it’s possible Bill gets home
at a decent hour so that we can sit down to dinner like a normal
family. He is more attentive to the children’s needs and wants and
he has finally come to recognize me as an individual. Since my
husband has not gambled there has been such a personality change
in him that’s both unbelieveable and wonderful. . . He is directing
his energies now in an effort to build up a successful business. This
is due to G. A. and the wonderful men who are there to give a
helping hand when a man really needs it.

When | walked out of that first Gam-Anon meeting, | felt like
the weight of the world was removed from my shoulders. | was
made to understand that first and foremost gambling was a disease
and that my husband did not deliberately do these things to hurt
me or the children, but that he is a sick man harboring a disease
which would only get worse if he did not come to the clinic-G.A.—for
his treatments. | was given to understand that | was not to blame
for my husband's actions, as many times | blamed myself for some-
thing | might have said or done to trigger off his actions, but |
learned this was only an excuse for him to gamble. If he was going

3]

inate!

SE St

to gamble he would gamble with the argument or without it, | could
not influence him one way or the other. | learned and now realize
only too well that | am powerless. | have turned Bill over to God
and G. A. for guidance and direction. And most important to me,
| learned that | am an individual, | can walk down the street with
my head held high and not have to make excuses for my husband's
behavior. | am once again a human being with feelings and
emotions and not just an “IT’’ or a dish rag to be tossed around at
random. | know my husband is a sick man coming for help. A sick
man who tried to help himself, in my opinion, deserves an “‘A” for
effort and the understanding and compassion of those who love him.

| feel that a whole new world is opening up before us. We will
have many problems to face in the future but when tnere is honesty,
complete honesty without half truths, humility and understanding in
the home, | am confident all our dreams and ambitions will be
realized. Hand in hand we'll cross that threshold together. We will
leave behind all the doubts, fears, terrors and frustrations of years
gone by. | pray that God gives us both the strength to see this
through with His help and that of G. A. | hope the years ahead will
be good ones. With a team like this backing us, how can we miss?

Connie

Ohio

32

ANN’S STORY FROM ENGLAND

| am Ann, the wife of a compulsive gambler. As | write this
story, | find it difficult to remember exactly what life was like, before
G.A. | am glad to be able to forget some of the heartache and
misery of the past.

| met my husband and we fell in love. He warned me of the
fact that he gambled. He told me his previous marriage had col-
lapsed entire due to his gambling. At this time, | was very young
and had hardly heard the word gambler! He told me that he had
spent all his time playing cards and betting on horses. | tossed all
this aside, thinking that | could change everything and as he loved
me would want to spend all his time with me.

The first few months were fine; then gradually things began to
go wrong. My husband is a Commercial Traveller and handles
money a great deal. He would collect money from his customers and
instead of depositing it in the bank, he would immediately go to a
bookie and lose the lot, (If he ever won, | certainly never saw any
of it.)

By this time our first child was born and we were expecting
another. | simply could not understand how he could do this to
anyone, especially those he professed to love. | bought a caravan
which was our first home. We sold this when my mother bought us a
house. The money we had after selling the caravan, of course, went
to pay back his debts to his firm. | can remember the most ghastly
rows when he came back week after week with a long face. Every
time he came home, | would ask, ‘‘Well, how much is it this time?”
At first he said nothing, then eventually, after me screaming and
shouting at him, he would “spit it out’. Having learned what |
wanted, | would throw the nearest thing at him, then he lost his
temper and came for me with a look of sheer hatred on his face.
| came through the birth of my second child normally; how | did it,
I'll never know. All through my pregnancy these terrible quarrels. |
would throw myself on the floor, knock my head against the wall
like a mad thing. | had Mark at home, and the same day Bill an-
nounced he was off to the races. He could not get away quickly
enough.

Things went from bad to worse. !t was a day by day struggle
with money, what to get to eat, etc. There were frantic visits to my
bank manager to get loans to pay his debts. | gave Bill every penny
! had which, | suppose, amounted to about £1000 plus loans from
my bank manager and my mother. | also bought a car for him which
ended up the same way as all compulsive gamblers cars, sold and
the money used partly to pay back debts and partly to the bookies.

Eventually | left him. But all too soon he was pleading with
me to have him back, promising that he would never gamble again.
Oh! those promises, it was always the last time. | took him back
because | could not bear to see him miserable, and of course | was
ready to believe him again. In a few weeks he was back to his old
ways. There was never any money. Any furniture we had in the
house or any clothes were bought by my mother. | can never remem-

33

ber my husband buying a thing for the house or even as much as
a pair of shoes for the children.

| persuaded Bill to go to a psychiatrist, only to be told there
was nothing that could be done for him. | was at my wits end to
know what to do, when | saw a report in a daily newspaper that a
group of Gamblers Anonymous had been formed in London by an
American. In desperation, | wrote away and received a letter from
Vivian, the wife of the American suggesting that | accompany Bill
to a meeting.

By this time Bill was only too ready to be helped as he was
well on his way to prison, having exhausted all possibilities of
borrowing money to pay back the money he was taking from his
firm.

As we travelled the 100 miles to London, | felt extremely ner-
vous, expecting to see a lot of down and outs — in fact, not knowing
what to expect. When we arrived there, we were shown into
separate rooms, and, low and behold, there were women in this
room looking happy, well dressed and smari. As each woman went
through their stories, | realized that there really were other women
who had gone through all that | had been through. Indeed, there
were others that had been through far worse than myself. This was
to me the most amazing thing of my life. Bill did not give up gam-
bling immediately, but at least | was able to cope. | knew that |
now had friends to turn to. | found that, suddenly, | could forget my
husband and could take an interest in myself. | became able to
cope with the housework and began to get things straightened out.
! also realized that | had become a neurotic. | was able to look at
myself and to see myself as | was. Consequently, | was able to try
to improve. At first, it was not easy, but gradually | think | became
an improved woman. Still | have a great many faults, but at last |
can do something about them, and am not forever blaming Bill for
everything that goes wrong. | realize that | am the only person | can
change and that | am completely powerless over other peoples lives.
Gradually our family relaxed and Bill was able to sort himself out
and eventually stopped gambling. As we were so far from the
London group, we decided to form our own group nearer home.
This is growing very slowly, but my husband and | find great com-
fort in helping others to live the G.A. and Gam-Anon programs.

It will be years before Bill’s debts are cleared, but they are
decreasing instead of increasing. Our family is a happy and con-
tented one. Bill and myself can now enjoy our two children to the
fullest and we can all begin to live.

Just two months have past since writing my story. How rapidly
circumstances change. My husband is gambling again, and has
been for the past month. The poor man is in the depths of despair.
He has, for the moment, abandoned G.A. (I say for the moment,
because | know he will return).

i continue with Gam-Anon because | find great strength, com-
fort, help and hope there. | find | can keep my sanity by talking to
the other women who understand. | can forget myself by listening

34

————

to others and their problems. | find inner strength and serenity by
following the twelve steps and living day by day. Because | am only
human, | sometimes break down under my husbands unfair accusa-
tions and bad temper and retaliate. But in the most part, | find that
| really have an understanding of what is going on inside him and
can cope. | try to keep cheerful and | can take an interest in my
home and in outside interests which | never could have done before
Gam-Anon, as | no longer depend wholly on Bill for my happiness.

Given time and peace to work out his inner problems, Bill will
return with his old bubble and enthusiasm for G.A. and, who knows,
perhaps is a blessing in disguise to underline the dangers of slipping
out of the G.A. program.

Meanwhile, | have my two children, | have a home, | have
health and | live in a glorious part of the country where there are
trees, grass, animals and birds, and last, but by no means least,
| have my friends in Gam-Anon. Thank God for them all !

God Grant Me The Serenity
To Accept The Things
[ Cannot Change....
Courage to Change The Things I Can
And The Wisdom to Know The Difference
Ann C.,
England

35

GAM-ANON, MY LIFE PRESERVER

My name is Ellen and | am the wife of a compulsive gambler.
When | heard the term ‘“‘neurotic need’, it was good for me. When
Chuck and | met, | was an attractive seventeen year old. He was
an exciting man of twenty seven, already married and had per-
sonality traits any healthy girl would run from. But this domineering
female knew she could change him. | guess we complimented each
other. | feigned interest in sports just to be with him. My maternal
instinct worked overtime helping him even before we were married.
| knew that he gambled yet | loaned him money, protected him,
bailed him out, hated him for doing this to me, and hated myself
for allowing it. So we were married.

When our daughter was 15 months old, | contacted a marriage
counselor. He told us about G.A. but my husband convinced me he
would stop gambling without help. | guess | believed him because
| wanted desperately to do so. He tossed the G.A. literature into his
top drawer and did nothing about it.

After six months of abstinence from gambling, we decided to
have another baby. Our second daughter was born in March, 1961.
At the same time he was fired from his job when it was discovered
that he had been embezzling for nine years. After five months of
knocking about we went into our own business. It was then that |
walked into my first Gam-Anon meeting, expecting a sheet of paper
with all the rules and regulations to make him stop gambling. |
didn’t want to lose our business.

My husband finally started to attend G.A. meetings and after
a year our attendance faltered because he became complacent and
felt that he no longer needed the program. | went along with him,
much to my sorrow.

The son | had always wanted was born in June, 1963 and from
that time on there were constant waves of gambling and abstinence.

In April, 1964 | swam for help and Gam-Anon threw me a life
preserver. | anchored there and they applied respiration. | pumped
out self pity, hate, resentment and negative thinking. | joined Gam-
Anon to try to save our business but now | am here to save a life.
| am beginning to feel stronger with each step | take. Sometimes |
slip off the deep end but my life preserver has no holes in it so |
always come back again. | know now that | will not drown, as long
as | have Gam-Anon. Thank God there is no time limit in Gam-Anon
and my progress can be made in my own way.

Ellen L.
New York

36

A LONDON HOUSEWIFE’S STORY

| am Yvonne, the wife of a compulsive gambler. My husband
Alan and | are both 27 years old. We have been married for seven
years. Alan has always gambled as he comes from a gambling
family. However, he became compulsive about four years ago.

| was expecting our first child when he stayed away from
home one night. | was convinced he had an accident and | rang the
police. But of course, he had been in a club all night. This became
a regular event in our lives until the time | was confined. At that
time, he had just been paid one hundred pounds for an electrical
job he had finished. This was his last job as the business failed.
This money was supposed to buy the pram, baby clothes, napkins,
etc. | came out of the hospital to nothing. He lost it all. After a time
he started doing what is known as the “knowledge”. It is a period
of time a man has to do to learn all the streets, clubs, embassy, etc.,
to become a London taxi cab driver. He did this for ten months and
received his license. He began to earn very good money. We moved
from a three room apartment to a luxurious flat which he could well
afford. We purchased new furniture and life seemed good.

After | became pregnant with our second child, he went berserk.
Our bills went unpaid. He was never home. Often he was gone for
two or three days ata time. Each time he lied to cover for his con-
duct. Most of the time we went without enough food in our home. |
dreaded every phone call and letter. We had so many visits from the
bayliffe. In fact, | saw him so often that one could say we nearly be-
came friends. We lost all of our friends through his gambling. Alan
took money from everyone we knew; countless pounds, bank over-
drafts and loan companies. | felt | hadn’t a soul in the world to turn
to. | was orphaned young and | have only one sister. At night | used
to sit and look out my kitchen window, thinking | was the only
woman alone at night on my street. | cried countless tears and felt
$0 hopeless.

When | went into the hospital to have my second baby, Alan
promised everything would be different. He said he was going to
pay every one and all prison orders and solicitors would be dealt
with, as a matter of fact, he didn't earn a penny the whole two
weeks and took another seventy five pounds from his mother. !
came home in utter despair. | felt no interest in anything, iust des-
peration and unhappiness was my lot.

During a crisis, when my baby was two weeks old, a friend
of Alan’s took him to a G.A. meeting and | went to a Gam-Anon
meeting the following week. After that, Alan did not gambie for a
month. He then went back to his gambling for about four months.
Next time he stopped for seven weeks. At the time of this writing,
he is gambling again. | have gone to Gam-Anon for seven months
now. | have found such hope and faith, | know as long as | keep
going, my husband will tag along and perhaps, someone, sometime
will get through to him.

| try to think of it in this way; he stopped for four weeks, then

37

for seven weeks, and who knows how long the next time. | try to
follow the program. | study the steps and | have learned not to
worry. | try to make myself a bit happier as | know now | can not
rely on my husband for his companionship. Two months ago, !
started a business of home dressmaking. This sh6uld give me oa
better feeling of my worth. | have made such wonderful friends in
Gam-Anon and | never feel alone now. | try to pass the message
on to others as to the happiness | hove made for myself. Some
people may wonder what help | get from Gam-Anon when my
husband ig still gambling. | hove learned to live just for today. In
my position one cannot plan for the future as Alan is still heavily
‘n debt. | just have to pray that he will never go back to incurring the
utter turmoil that we have lived in the past.

Yvonne

London, England

FEAR STRUCK OUT

| thought my husband and | had a wonderful life together,
then slowly my world began to fall apart. | look back now and
wonder if | had a true picture of the situation or if | refused to
look at the danger signs which pointed the way to its destruction.

When my youngest child was born | had phlebitis. This was the
first time | was aware of the terrible thing that gambling was doing
to our lives. | was afraid to stay at home alone because of the
seriousness of my illness and | found myself counting the hours until
my husband would return home from work so | could feel safe
again. The race track opened and he made plans to go to the races
with his brother. | realized, come hell or high water, he was going
to go. He said, “You are just being foolish about your illness, it is
all in your head.” | thought then, how much of a hold does gambling
have over him, as | couldn't hold him even in sickness, when gam-
bling beckoned. |! was demanding and self centered during my
sickness but nevertheless, | didn’t get any sympathy from my
husband.

| knew he was betting on the horses, but | thought he was
not keeping anything from me. | know now he was concealing
more and more things from me and | had never understood him, as
| thought | had. | didn’t think there was anything that was secret
between us prior to this time. The next few years | received constant
assurance from him that he could control his gambling and every-
thing was progressing along fine.

He took out smal loans and paid them back when he had a
winning streak or when he could squeeze out a little money. | had
no knowledge of these loans, they were confidential, and the Loan
Co. didn’t give out any information about them even. to a wife.
Finally he turned to me for $300 to pay a creditor. No physical
violence could have hurt me worse. | screamed, | cried, | prayed and
in the end accepted his word that it was a hard lesson to learn but
it would never happen again. | rationalized his gambling problem
wasn't as important as our marriage and everyone was entitled to
a few mistakes. At this time | was helping paint my in-laws’ house
and every day | went to paint with a heavy heart and weary mind.
| remember slapping the paint on those walls and trying to blot out
the ugliness of the situation and to unload my worries. My husband
convinced me his gambling was only our concern and it would be
best to conceal it from everyone. Little did | know this was just a
minor skirmish compared to the main events that were to come.

Another hundred or so dollars for gambling would be owed to
different business people and friends every few months. Each time
this happened he came with remorse and promised that things
would look brighter, after all he said, ““We aren’t starving and things
could be worse. We have our health don‘t we?” | was trying to make
ends meet and get our girls ready for schoo! when fate dealt a
cruel hand. This time instead of the usual hundreds it was thousands.

For the next 10 years the army of bookies continued to parade
through our lives. Little by little my trust in my husband faded.

oF

|
Disappointment after disappointment chipped away on our mar-
riage. | lived in constant fear, fear of the threats of the bookies, fear
of the law because of the checks he had written, fear of facing my
neighbors in case he might owe them money and finally the fear
that he might harm himself or us. Somehow, in his- state of mind,
he thought if he frigntened us encugh we would stay with him and
continue to help him feed this compulsion to gamble. | felt my life
was over. | could not continue to tolerate the lies and frustrations
of living with a compulsive gambler. We were being consumed by
gambling ...| had no choice... we separated.

Eight months after we separated my husband found G.A. At
first he asked me to attend, but | always managed to find an ex-
cuse not to go with him. After two months | finally went to my first
meeting. | didn’t find any magic, but | found a small ray of hope
in the fact that each time | went | saw the same faces. This ray of
hope came shining through the darkness of my life and I’ve learned
to nourish and strengthen it by realizing that | was not to blame.
Previously | blamed myself and thought | was responsible for his
gambling, somehow. In Gam-Anon’s first step to recovery it says,
“We admitted we were powerless over the problem in our family”.
This was like taking a thousand pounds of weight from my shoul-
ders. Now | can truly begin to see things in their proper perspective
and let go of my husband. | realize | am not responsible for him
or his gambling. The only person that | can really control is myself
and | intend to make myself a better person.

After two years of separation, we are reunited and making
our way through Gamblers Anonymous and Gam-Anon.

LaVora V.
California

40

SHORT STORIES

If | were able to express what is in my heart, | would be most
grateful because life has brought me.much happiness with my
husband and much sorrow as a result of his gambling. | thought that
G. A. offered us a chance for happiness. | felt as long as Gamblers
Anonymous keeps him from gambling, we would be able to live
our lives as “‘I’’ wanted us to. | wasn’t ready for a change, other
than no gambling, so | thought, as long as he had G. A. our
problems were over.

Through Gam-Anon | found that unless that change comes from
with-in us both, we cannot find happiness and serenity. Gam-Anon
has taught me that | have to look to myself and see my prob-
lems if | am to help my husband in his recovery, | must do what |
can to be a better person, to want to give, rather than receive and
to understand his times’ of torment and restlessness. This could
never have happened unless | had God in my heart and Gam-Anon
to turn to. | thank God and Gam-Anon for giving me the strength
to see these hard times through and the love to want to do so.

My story has not come to an end, on the contrary, | hope and
pray this is the beginning for my husband, our family and myself.
We can never be perfect and only through trying to better ourselves
can we hope to bring pleasure and happiness to others and therefore
in turn, be happy ourselves.

Pat G.

WHAT GAM-ANON HAS DONE FOR ME

My husband and | have been married for seven years. The first
nine months that we were in G. A. and Gam-Anon were our happiest.
We were able to communicate for the first time because he had
nothing to hide. However, as we all know, some men have slips and
my husband slipped six months ago and has been “slipping’’ since.
He goes to G. A. meetings ‘now and then,’ and as a result, he
gambles now and then. Our lives again have become unmanage-
able, but this time | have Gam-Anon. | have meetings to attend,
pamphlets to read, hope and encouragement from all the wonderful
Gam-Anon members, without this, | don’t know where | would be
today. | know that with hope, faith, patience and more patience
and, most of all with G. A. and Gam-Anon, everything will turn
out okay!

A YEAR TO REMEMBER

| will never forget the year 1947 when my husband hit bottom
so badly, that we had to sell our business and home. Our family
which included 4 children moved into one bedroom at a widowed
sister's home. We received welfare aid until a good friend loaned
us the mony to buy a truck for my husband to start a business.
There were many downfalls since then, but none as bad as

4]

1947. Nothing could give him the power to stop gambling
completely.

Now | am happy to say, my husband since thén has found
great strength in G. A. to help him stop gambling and we are so
happy. He will never forget that particular year or ever wish to
experience it again. | realize that we lost only material things, more
important, we have found a great love and respect for one another
which all the money in the world couldn't buy.

Hannah D.

I'd like to tell you my story briefly to encourage some others.
Five years ago my husband and | attended G.A. and Gam-Anon at
48th Street in New York City. He listened with a closed mind for one
year and went steadily down the drain for the next four. | managed
to attend Gam-Anon alone for four years because | needed to help
myself through these difficult times and with five children to care
for | had to keep my sanity and find some kind of serenity. | knew
in my heart that Tony was a lost soul, there was no hope for him
and he would never return to G.A. — Never —, but due to the
higher power who enlightened my husband with what I call spiritual
awakening and brought him gack to G.A. The soul | thought was
lost is now helping others.

Connie G.

G.A. and Gam-Anon opened its doors to us when we both had
had no one to turn to in our hour of great need. It was one month
after our first wedding anniversary, that | had to make the most
crucial decision of my life, namely, whether to keep our marriage
together or report my mate to the legal authorities.

Now after seven months in G.A. and Gam-Anon, | am grateful
to God that a power greater than mine, gave me the strength to find
a new and brighter path again. It has been a gradual climb for
us up the ladder of our wonderful “12 steps’, but rewarding in
many ways. We, who have no family on either side, have suddenly
been embraced by our “brand new relatives.’

It is a new world for my compulsive mate as his sense of values
comes to the shiny surface. | thank God, G.A. and Gam-Anon for
this and so much more.

Jeanne K.

| never could imagine anyone had lived or could be living a life
like mine. | always thought | was the only one.

There was never a time in my 21 years of marriage that Lou
wasn’t in terrible trouble. He owed tremendous sums of money and
people were always looking for him. No sooner had | helped him
make a new start than he would be in trouble again over his head.

He finally lost his livelihood,¢his reputation in his field and for
one full year we have been struggling to keep our heads above
water,

He hasn‘t gambled for a year and he has finally stopped lying,

42

which came as natural to him as breathing.
| never close my eyes at night without thanking God for leading
us to G.A. and Gam-Anon which to me means, God's Answer.

Rose M.

My name is Dottie and | am the wife of a compulsive gambler.
| remember vividly the first Gam-Anon meeting | attended 15 months
ago. My feeling at the time, was that | must have help for myself
and my children. Our home situated was so confused. My youngest
daughter was lying and stealing and | said she had all the bad
habits of her father. | was worried she would grow up to be like
him. | found through Gam-Anon, that she was just reacting or
rebelling against her confused parents. | now accept my share of
the biame.

When | attended this first meeting in March, 1964, | thought or
perhaps hoped, there was a short simple answer to my problem
because | couldn't afford to attend every week. | found | couldn’‘t
affort not to attend. The sitter for my children cost me only one
hundred dollars. A small price to pay for the serenity and friendship
| now have.

There have been many changes in our home in the past 15
months. | give all the credit to Gam-Anon and G. A. My husband
received his one year pin last December, and | am very proud of
him. After 14 years of misery, | feel that at last he is truly a husband
of whom | can be proud.

Dottie D.
Michigan

43

Gam-Anon Recovery Program

(a) History & purposes of Gam-Anon
(b) Twelve steps of recovery
(c) Twelve steps of unity

HISTORY OF GAM-ANON

In July 1960, three unhappy girls met for the first time at the
hotel Oxford on 88th Street in New York City. They were unique in
that they had a common problem, the husband of each was a
gambler. In the course of discussion the group became aware that
they were not alone, they were able to identify with one another.
This in itself was a revelation.

A member of Al-Anon was invited to the second meeting, in
order to get further information and to discuss with her how her
group was conducted. The Gam-Anon name was then adopted and
the Al-Anon literature helped to start the program. Since that time,
we have developed our own literature. In 1961, groups were started
in the Los Angeles area.

In the last six years Gam-Anon has grown. Groups have been
formed in many of the major cities of this country, and also in
England, Scotland and Ireland. Gam-Anon continues to grow!!!!

AIMS AND PURPOSES OF GAM-ANON

Gam-Anon is a fellowship of men and women who are hus-
bands, wives, relatives, or close friends of compulsive gamblers.
For anyone seeking a solution for living with problem, we would
like them to feel that we understand as perhaps few can. We, too,
are familiar with worry and sleepless nights and promises made
only to be broken. Our thinking had become confused and many
of us had become nervous, irritable, bitter and unreasonable.

Just as G.A. can offer a new way of life to the compulsive gam-
bler, so can we in Gam-Anon offer the adventure of a new way of
life to you, the partner of a gambler.

A. To grow spiritually through living by the twelve steps of
Gam-Anon.

B. To learn to live with the gambling problem in your home.

To give encouragement and understanding to the gambler
when he joins Gamblers Anonymous.

D. To welcome and give help and comfort to the families of
compulsive gamblers.

aaa’

THE GAM-ANON WAY

The day the compulsive gambler finds G.A. is, for most of us,
one of the happiest days of our life. We do not know what lies
ahead for us, but we have reason to believe that we have found
the answer to a happier way of living.

In Gam-Anon we learn the answer to many of our questions.
Through the process of identification with other members we gain
insight. We —if we are willing —- begin to see ourselves as we
really are. We accept our failures of the past and gain new faith
in ourselves.

We know a sense of relief when we come to believe our hus-
bands suffer from an emotional disorder, when for so long we
considered him only as a very poor excuse for a man. With the
help of our fellowship we soon find it easy to forget and forgive.
This is the Gam-Anon way!

“AFTER WE HAVE GATHERED IN OUR HARVEST OF BITTER EXPERI-
ENCES, WE CAN USE THEM EITHER FOR SPIRITUAL GROWTH OR
FOR SELF-DESTRUCTION, SELF PITY AND RESENTMENT.”

We women in Gam-Anon have all gathered our harvest of
bitter experiences . . . Because of the simple way of life that Gam-
Anon teaches us we have learned how not to allow our bitterness
to destroy us . . . How fortunate we are! For years many of us felt
that God and man had forsaken us . . . But now we know He does
hear our prayers. We come into our first meeting usually with much
bitterness, feeling that we can never learn to trust again. We come
so filled with self pity and resentment that we are a sorry sight to
behold. Then the miracle of Gam-Anon begins it’s work on us; that
is, if we are willing to be honest with ourselves and with others.
Gam-Anon teaches us to forget the past and to look to the future
with faith and with courage. Are you allowing Gam-Anon to help
you to make the most of your bitter harvest ?

ARE YOU WILLING ?

To close your book of complaints and to open the book of praise?

To believe other men are quite as sincere as you and to treat them
with respect ?

To ignore what life owes you and to think about what you owe
to life?

To stop looking for friendship and to start being friendly?
To be content with such things as you have and to stop whining

46

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for the things you have not ?

To enjoy the simple blessings of life and to cease striving for the
artificial pleasures of the day?

To forget what you have accomplished and to meditate on what
others have done for you?

To cease looking for someone to help you and to devote yourself to
helping others?

To consecrate your life to the service of an imperfect humanity and
to let your life be an outlet for God's joy, love and peace?

GETTING THE MOST OUT OF LIFE

| find that | am now able to go along getting the most out of
life on a day to day basis, as a result of having been an active
member in Gam-Anon for the past four years.

lt seems that worry lies in our minds more often as the result
of a simple misdirection of our imaginations. | find that | am now
able to control my processes of thought, thereby putting worry in its
proper place by trying not to dwell on the past and not thinking of
what. tomorrow might bring. It is amazing how you can turn a
gloomy day into a cheerful one by just applying this simple formula.
| think the program, as a whole, has helped me learn that life with
all its little upsets and big shocks still goes on and that the important
thing is to cultivate a little self control and serenity. Lest | forget,
| find myself repeating time and time again, “O Lord, Grant me
the Serenity to accept the things | cannot change, the Courage to
change the things | can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Kathryn K.

A RAY OF HOPE

When John Donne wrote, ‘No man is an Island, entire of
itself,’’ he wasn’t separating sexes. ‘‘Man" is synonymous of the
human race. Allow me to be selective, and reiterate that ‘‘no woman
is an island.’

In our experiences as the wives of compulsive gamblers, we
withdrew from all social life. Our problems were so mammoth and
so humiliating that we often found ourselves unable to communicate
with family, friends and neighbors. Our first exposure to the Gam-
Anon program revealed to us that our behavior had not been un-
natural. On the contrary, we were able to identify with the majority
of the women who confessed to the exact same fears and
frustrations.

Through Gam-Anon, you will find yourself turning from a
caterpillar into a butterfly and suddenly you‘re aware that there’s
a big, wide, wonderful world out there, you are once again a mem-
ber of the human race. Come to our meetings, find your way off
that island, we will be there to welcome you to the mainland. You
need us — We need you. Ruth R.

47

A HANDY YARDSTICK
FOR MEASURING THE VALUE OF GAM-ANON

1. You have a tolerant, easy-going attitude toward yourself as well
as toward others.

2. You estimate your own abilities realistically — that is, you
neither underestimate nor overestimate them.

3. You respect yourself.
You are able to take life’s disappointments in stride.

5. You feel that you are part of the group, and have a sense of
responsibility to the group and to your fellow men.

7. You accept your responsibilities, and do something about your
problems as they arise.

8. You are able to give love to others, and to consider their
interests.

9. You are able to set realistic goals for yourself.

10. You put your best efforts into what you do, and get satisfaction
out of it.

11. You feel a strong need to help another member or another per-
son who lives with a gambling problem and you realize tre-
mendous satisfaction in so doing.

12. You find life fulfilling.

48

RECOVERY PROGRAM

STEP ONE

WE ADMITTED WE WERE POWERLESS OVER THE PROBLEM
IN OUR FAMILY

The admission of powerlessness does not come easily. As
wives, husbands, or parents of the compulsive gambler, we came
to believe in their complete inability to manage their lives. In all
honesty, no doubt we were correct in feeling this way. We didn’t
recognize, that although it is true they could not manage their
lives, neither could we do so for them. We attempted to be “The
Power’. Most of us tried every conceivable method to stop those we
loved from gambling. We begged, pleaded, loved and _ hated,
threatened, reasoned with and covered for them. Some of us blamed
ourselves. We blamed their family background and the world in
general. None of us could stop our compulsive gambler regardless
of our unceasing efforts.

We who lived with this problem, developed countless emotional
and spiritual problems. Some of us felt that God had forsaken us.
The stressful life we lived was too much for us. Most of us came
to Gam-Anon with overwhelming problems.

We took this first step with an admission of powerlessness over
our problem, we came to feel as though a heavy burden had been
lifted from our shoulders; we found release. The first and most
important thing we learned was that we were not responsible for
our husband's problem. It was no longer necessary for us to live in
fear — fear that any wrong move on our part could send them back
to gambling. It became evident to us as we were never able to stop
them from gambling, neither were we responsible if they should
gamble. When we released our compulsive partner, we were able
to admit the unmanageability of our life. We became increasingly
aware of a need to render our spiritual and emotional house in order.

STEP TWO

CAME TO BELIEVE THAT A POWER GREATER THAN OURSELVES
COULD RESTORE US TO A NORMAL WAY OF THINKING AND LIVING

After taking the first step wholeheartedly, we begin to become
honest with ourselves. A life made of fears, worries and suspicions,
such as ours, needs a power greater than ourselves to return to what
we call normal. Most of us have spent countless hours crying out
to a God, of our understanding, for the things we willed to be done.
Now after taking the second step, we have come to a new and
wonderful understanding of this power we call God. We can sur-
render to Him and believe that not my will but “Thy will be done”.
He will restore us to a normal way of thinking and living.

49

ee ess

STEP THREE

MADE A DECISION TO TURN OUR WILL AND OUR LIVES OVER
TO THE CARE OF THIS POWER OF OUR OWN UNDERSTANDING

The key to the third step could well be called willingness. We
will find the pathway to recovery through this step with diligent
effort. It has been said “This is the way to faith that works’’. With
willingness, we will cut away the SELF WILL which has blocked the
entrance of God into our lives. Some of us find that dependence on
anyone but ourselves is a little distasteful. There are forms of de-
pendence which we realize are wrong. For instance, an overpower-
ing emotional dependency some adults have for their parents.
Dependence on Gam-Anon and the Higher Power we have come to
accept, can bring us only good. We were unable to live a new life
unless we found relief from our bitterness, worries over financial
insecurity and unhappiness: Nothing short of continuous action with
willingness, can bring about the much desired result.

We try to make our will conform with God's. Before, we misused
our will power. “We attempted to bombard our problems with ‘‘it’’
instead of trying to bring our will into Gods intention for us.”

This step is difficult because self-will creeps upon us so easily.
Our hope lies in being forever vigilant. Through the key of willing-
ness, we have found love, and with love, we will find and accept
God's will for us.

STEP FOUR

MADE A SEARCHING AND FEARLESS MORAL INVENTORY OF
OURSELVES

Some of us have an aversion to taking our moral inventory.
We may convince ourselves there is no need. We clutch at excuses.
Perhaps we feel our anxieties and troubles are caused by the be-
havior of others, primarily our husbands. Many of us believed that
if they had treated us better, we would not have gone astray in
our thinking. We may be inclined to think that our resentments are
justified . . . They, (the gamblers) were the guilty ones, weren't they?
People are driven by self pride which unconsciously blinds them to
their shortcomings. We felt justified in nagging, for instance.

In Gam-Anon we gradually perceive that something must be
done if we have an honest desire to make progress on this program.
A sincere wish to be rid of resentments, self pity and unwarranted
pride is a good beginning. We need to drop the word “Blame”
from our vocabulary. Once we have decided to take inventory and
make the effort to do the job well, we begin to really see ourselves
for the first time. We found this painful but necessary . . . lest we
become discouraged, it is important to remember our assets as well
as our liabilities . . . Most of us have found the following inventory
helpful as a guide line.

50

MY DAILY MORAL INVENTORY

LIABILITIES ASSETS

WATCH FOR STRIVE FOR
Self-pity Self-forgetfulness
Self-justification Humility
Self-importance Modesty
Self-condemnation Self-valuation
Dishonesty Honesty
Impatience Patience

Hate- Love

Resentment Forgiveness
False Pride Simplicity
Jealousy Trust

Envy Generosity
Laziness Activity
Procrastination Promptness
tnsincerity Straightforwardness

Negative thinking
Vulgar, immoral
Trashy thinking

Positive thinking
High minded, spiritual
Clean thinking

Criticizing Look for the good

THE GIFT

Sometimes I shut the door on all the world,
and go alone to that most secret place.

Where there is only God—

Just God and 1!

Then together we go over subtle acts,
Mistakes, and small hypocrisies of mine.

I strip myself from shams, from shackles free,
And stand aghast at my duplicity.

We look, just God an.’ I, into my heart,

and though I shrink, we gaze there to the depth:
and though I tremble, shamed by what we find,
I suffer, too, a kind of painful joy.

And while I often find it hard to bear

The burning of God's knowing eyes on me,

I feel me stronger grow, just from their gaze.
My nakedness, it seems to me, is clothed

In raiment new that is most wondrous fair,
When next I venture forth, I wear

Serenity, the gift that God in secret gave to me,

51

STEP FIVE

ADMITTED TO OURSELVES AND TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING
THE EXACT NATURE OF OUR WRONGS

It is sometimes difficult to admit to ourselves that we are
guilty of any wrong doing, and even more difficult to admit our
shortcomings to another person. Once we are able to discuss our
problems with another, we have come a long way toward peace
of mind. When we are ready to “unload”, we look about for some-
one who will understand us. It is obvious that no one can under-
stand our problem quite as well as one with a similar problem. How
wonderful it is that we can turn to another Gam-Anon member for
help. Some of us may wish to discuss our problem with a Priest,
Rabbi or Minister. This is a decision that must be made individually
_.. As we discuss our difficulties with another, the burden becomes
lighter and the weight of it is removed from our shoulders. It will
be necessary to take this step over and over again. Living with a
compulsive gambler is not easy. Whether or not our husband
gambles, we will continue to have many problems to face. We may
have doubts and misgivings. Since none of us are without tempta-
tions, we will always find this step helpful.

STEP SIX

WERE ENTIRELY READY TO HAVE THESE DEFECTS OF
CHARACTER REMOVED

Most people go through life never recognizing that they have
character defects. We see that with defects of character such as:
Self-pity, self-justification, impatience and resentment, we will not
find this peace of mind and serenity we seek. Serenity comes from
within, our progress begins when we realize this.

We, in Gam-Anon, are fortunate in that we are shown how to
live a better life. For instance, we can glance at our Moral Inventory
each day. It enlightens us as to the many character defects we
possess. We need only to be honest with ourselves to recognize these.
Many of us are full of self-pity and resentment. We know that if we
strive for self forgetfulness and forgiveness, we will have gained
much toward achieving a degree of peace of mind, which is our
ultimate goal.

When one constantly criticizes others, thinking is of a destruc-
tive nature. But when we begin to look for the good in those around
us, as well as ourselves, invariably our thinking becomes construc-
tive, which is an asset in all phases of our lives.

Willingness to have these defects removed is all-important.
If we are to succeed, we must keep trying day after day.

52

STEP SEVEN

HUMBLY ASK GOD (OF OUR UNDERSTANDING) TO REMOVE
OUR SHORTCOMINGS

We should become fairly well aware of our shortcomings by
the time we are ready for the seventh step. This step specifically
concerns itself with humility and what the practice of it can mean
to us ... We have found within ourselves a true desire to be rid
of our defects of character. Now we can see that in order for us to
change, we need help. We have, through the use of the THIRD STEP,
already made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the
care of God . . . So with humility and without reservations, we
ask Him to remove our shortcomings.

Let us not forget to place special emphasis on the word humble,
in working this step. Perhaps we should cast around a bit for the
true meaning of Humility. Some of us believe it to be a desire to
seek and do God's will. Each may have their own definition. We can
all, in any case agree that humility is the key word that opens the
door to recovery through the use of this step.-It is necessary for us
to work this step daily because each day we discover new defects
ne Hg We find, therefore that, we need to ask Him daily for

is help.

STEP EIGHT

MADE A LIST OF ALL PERSONS WE HAD HARMED AND BECAME
WILLING TO MAKE AMENDS TO THEM ALL.

Generally most of us get quite a shock when making a list of
the people we have harmed. We have allowed the gambling prob-
lem in our family to twist our thinking. Many of us had literally
sunk to the depths of misery and despair, because we were miser-
able and we made others around us miserable. As mothers, we
could not fulfill our obligation to give love and understanding to
our children. It is easy enough to admit these things to ourselves
and to God, but the prospect of actually facing or even writing to
the people concerned can be overwhelming. We might ask ourselves
how we have harmed other people. If our tempers are consistently
bad, we arouse anger in others. If we have become irritable, critical,
bitter and humorless, we take these personality traits into our office
and the society of our fellows. The damage we do can be almost
as extensive as that we have caused at home. After taking a per-
sonal inventory, we can look back and discover where we were at
fault. We now feel the need to make amends to others.

53

STEP NINE

MADE DIRECT AMENDS TO SUCH PEOPLE WHENEVER POSSIBLE,
EXCEPT WHEN TO DO SO WOULD INJURE THEM OR OTHERS.

Once we have learned to live normally again, we can make
amends to those we have hurt by showing love and kindness, in-
terest in the welfare of those around us and a general spirit
of well-being.

STEP TEN

CONTINUED TO TAKE PERSONAL INVENTORY AND WHEN WE
WERE WRONG, PROMPTLY ADMITTED IT.

We, in Gam-Anon, have so much to be thankful for, but some-
times we, with our human feelings, are prone to forget how our
life used to be before Gam-Anon and G.A. We delude ourselves
and become complacent too easily. Our daily inventory is of the
utmost importance in keeping our mind on a higher spiritual level.
The purpose of this step is to teach us to be aware of our character
defects and guard against them daily. It is less confusing and we
are able to make greater progress when working on our liabilities
one at a time. For instance, if we are working on “'self-pity’’ we
must analyze our actions and reactions honestly each day. From
this we can then begin to make progress on other personal liabilities.

Now for the second and probably the most difficult part of
this step. It is so much easier to wait for someone else to say they
are sorry, particularly our husbands, than it is to admit that we are
wrong. We may rightfully feel that the other person is as wrong or
more wrong than we; however, we are responsible only for our own
actions. Therefore, for our own peace of mind and serenity, we must
admit when we are wrong, without thought of a pat on the back
or any other reward except our own spiritual growth. We have
found this step has its own reward in a happier way of life for
ourselves and our loved ones. With God’s help and with humility
we can make this step.

STEP ELEVEN

SOUGHT THROUGH PRAYER AND MEDITATION TO IMPROVE OUR

CONSCIOUS CONTACT WITH GOD, AS WE UNDERSTOOD HIM,

PRAYING ONLY FOR KNOWLEDGE OF HIS WILL FOR US, AND THE
POWER TO CARRY THAT OUT.

This step, if applied without reservations, will open the door

for us to a new and more spiritual way of living. It is suggested

that we start our day by turning our first waking thought toward
God. Even a few minutes spent in lifting our thoughts to that Higher

54

Power, which is God, can make each day a better day. We may ask
God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced
from self-pity, dishonesty or self-seeking motives.

When thinking about our day, we will face indecision. We may
not be able to determine which course to take. We may ask God
for inspiration, and intuitive thought or decision. We let God take
over. We relax, take it easy and cease to struggle. We may be
surprised how the right answers will come after we have tried this.
It is an excellent idea to conclude our morning meditations with a
prayer asking that we be shown all through the day what our next
step is to be, that we may be given the strength to solve our prob-
lems. When we have gained this strength, it will be easier to face
truths each day, starting each morning asking for renewed faith
and courage to carry out His Will.

STEP TWELVE

HAVING MADE AN EFFORT TO PRACTICE THESE PRINCIPLES IN
ALL OUR AFFAIRS, WE TRIED TO CARRY THIS MESSAGE TO OTHERS

Having had some measure of success in working the other
steps, we are now ready to carry out the main purpose of the Gam-
Anon program; to help others who are still suffering from the gam-
bling problem in their home. We are eagér to share with others,
our wonderful new way of life, for it is only in sharing that we
can keep what we have gained. We realize that the more we give
to the program, the more we will receive.

We can give the message of hope to those who are as miserable
and confused as we once were. It is not necessary to practice all the
steps daily in order to be able to carry the message to others, but
most certainly when we are called upon for help, we can always
rise to the occasion in applying at least one of the steps.

55

THE TWELFTH STEP CALL

Our heart goes out to the wife of a compulsive gambler who is
so obviously miserable, when we met her. Who can possibly under-
stand her suffering better than we who have suffered ? It is difficult
to find the words of comfort needed.

Let us take inventory. What do we have to offer our prospective
members? We offer her that which we have found — new hope —
our understanding — our compassion and; most of all — our love.
We offer her our greatest possession — ourselves. We may meet
this new person at a Gam-Anon meeting or go into her home if we
are called to do so. She may be reticent about speaking of her
problem. It is our responsibility to make her comfortable. She will
want to hear something of our experience in living with this problem
—"“our story’, and after we have gained her confidence, she will
want us to listen to her. She needs to ‘‘unload”’, to know that she
is not alone, and to find the understanding she seeks. The joy of
helping another is our greatest reward in Gam-Anon. The initial
12th step call is very important but equally important is the followup
work we do. The new member will need our strength for many
months to come. The telephone is a handy instrument in 12th step
work — use it! We do not tell the new member what to do or not
to do but only offer her our experience and suggestions —as a
guide — lest we forget — ours is a sacred trust.

We strive

Above all,

In carrying out our plan,
To preserve most carefully
The dignity

Of man.

56

UNITY PROGRAM

STEP ONE

OUR COMMON WELFARE SHOULD COME FIRST; PERSONAL
SERENITY DEPENDS UPON GAM-ANON UNITY

Without unity, Garn-Anon would cease to be. We make refer-
ences to the groups as a whole; because, although the groups are
many and scattered all over the nation and other parts of the world,
we have our common welfare at heart. The Gam-Anon Way of Life
is read and discussed at all meetings everywhere, thus to a great
extent, our thinking is in accord. We aim for the same goal, which
is to try to improve our lives to an extent where we are better able
to cope with and understand, not only the Gambling problem, but
the problems of life. If each one of us, as in individual, will do her
best to maintain unity, we will most surely grow. “In unity there
is Strength!’ Through the use of our Gam-Anon literature, we are
learning how to best work together as groups and by Faith we are
able to build.

Occasionally, a whole group is disrupted by an unthinking
member who wants to run the group her way, regardless of how
the others feel, or by an inconsiderate person who talks all the
time, airing private feelings and grievances. The entire group may
suffer from one member's self-indulgence unless her eyes are opened
to the dis-service she may be doing the group. It is not the intention
of any group to hurt the feelings of individuals, but if we are to
survive, the welfare of the group as a whole must come first.

STEP TWO
OUR LEADERS ARE BUT TRUSTED SERVANTS; THEY DO NOT GOVERN

Gam-Anon is merely a suggested program, it gives us perfect
freedom to work it in any way best suited for each individual’s
recovery; we have no one to tell us what we must or must not do.
Experience has shown us that we need no heavy hand to govern
us. It is truly a great privilege to have the opportunity to serve in
Gam-Anon, whether it be as secretary, chairman of a meeting,
founder of a group, or trustee of the National Service Officae. Per-
haps we may at times need to be reminded of our status as servants
me a wonderful group of people who need our help as we need
theirs.

STEP THREE

THE ONLY REQUIREMENT FOR GAM-ANON MEMBERSHIP IS THAT
THERE BE A GAMBLING PROBLEM IN THE FAMILY.

We are aware that the Gam-Anon program could apply to
anyone whether or not he or she had this type of problem but the
gambling problem in our home is our common problem.

This step is one of acceptance. It invites all who have suffered

5/

‘the agony that only those who have lived the way we have lived
will understand. It embraces all, regardless of race, creed, religion,
social or economic background. The message | get from this step is
“come join us — we hold out our hand in-tompassion and under-
standing —- we too have suffered — you are not alone.”

STEP FOUR

EACH GROUP SHOULD BE SELF GOVERNING EXCEPT IN MATTERS
AFFECTING OTHER GROUPS OR GAM-ANON AS A WHOLE.

In Gam-Anon we have no iron-clad rules to govern us; each
group is free to function as they choose, using the Unity and Re-
covery Program as a guide. However, any group needs to consider
its actions with prudence since individual group activities often
affect other groups either directly or indirectly. A group has the
right to use any agenda agreeable to the group, it may wish to have
outside speakers and it might differ as to methods used to attract
new members. When any group disregards the Unity Program by
indulging in idle gossip, ill-considered promotion, public solicitation
of funds, or lack of anonymity the reputation of Gam-Anon suffers.

Each group will grow through trial and error as long as their
mistakes are not made at the expense of other groups or as long
as Gam-Anon unity is not affected.

STEP FIVE

GAM-ANON HAS BUT ONE PRIMARY PURPOSE; TO CARRY ITS
MESSAGE TO THE FAMILY OF THE COMPULSIVE GAMBLER.

Our main obligation is to help the families of compulsive
gamblers and the survival of the Gam-Anon fellowship depends on
adherence to this principle. There was no hope for people like us
until Gam-Anon.

We have another reason for our singleness of purpose. We
know that we can rarely keep our precious gift of serenity unless
we give it away. If we help those who need us, we will maintain
all we have gained in our search for the good life.

STEP SIX

GAM-ANON SHOULD NEVER ENDORSE, FINANCE OR LEND THE

GAM-ANON NAME TO ANY RELATED FACILITY OR OUTSIDE EN-

TERPRISE, LEST PROBLEMS OF MONEY, PROPERTY AND PRESTIGE
DIVERT US FROM OUR PRIMARY PURPOSE.

Gam-Anon is a young organization and there has been little
need to examine this step until now but it will be important, as we
grow, to closely adhere to the principles of this step.

It is important that we not finance any other organization or
efterprise including Gamblers Anonymous, lest we deviate from
our primary purpose of carrying our message of hope to the wives
and families of compulsive gamblers. In the past we have deviated

58

tif,
(a4)

by making small donations to G. A. but we have learned that it is
important for the G. A. fellowship to assume complete financial
responsibility as they were never able to do when in the throes of
gambling. We take pride in the fact that we do not need help from
outsiders and it is obvious that they feel the same.

We have learned that it is best not to donate Gam-Anon funds
to individual members however worthy the cause. It is necessary to
use accumulated monies to promote growth and strength in our
fellowship.

STEP SEVEN

EVERY GAM-ANON GROUP SHOULD BE FULLY SELF-SUPPORTING,
DECLINING OUTSIDE CONTRIBUTIONS.

lf we are to be a responsible group of people and our cause
is worthwhile, then we should be willing to support it. It is necessary
that each group uphold this idea. It takes not only time and effort,
but a certain amount of money to propagate our fellowship. How-
ever, this money must come from Gam-Anon members, and not the
solicitation of public funds.

STEP EIGHT

GAM-ANON SHOULD REMAIN FOREVER NON-PROFESSIONAL, BUT
OUR SERVICE CENTERS MAY EMPLOY SPECIAL WORKERS.

The premise of Gam-Anon is to get help by giving it, and if
professional people are brought in for this purpose the value of the
group is lost. However, looking into the future, we see the need
to employ special workers in our service office.

STEP NINE

GAM-ANON AS SUCH SHOULD NEVER BE ORGANIZED; BUT, WE
MAY CREATE SERVICE BOARDS OR COMMITTEES DIRECTLY
RESPONSIBLE TO THOSE THEY SERVE.

It has never been necessary in our fellowship to organize, to
discipline members, or to enforce rules. In order to further our fel-
lowship, we have established a National Service Office. The trustees
of this office are directly responsible to Gam-Anon as a whole.
Committees may be formed within the groups individually, to
serve in various fields, such as those assuming the responsibility in
contacting new members. Wherever it is necessary to further the
cause to help Gam-Anon to grow, and more that one or two mem-
bers are needed for the task, then services boards or committees
may be established.

59

STEP TEN

GAM-ANON HAS NO OPINION ON OUTSIDE ISSUES; HENCE, THE
GAM-ANON NAME SHOULD NEVER BE DRAWN INTO
CONTROVERSY

There should never be a heated religious, political or reform
arguments among Gam-Anon members. So long as we don’t argue
these matters privately, it’s fairly certain we never shall publicly.
Gam-Anon opposes no one. We have no quarrel with gambling
as such.

STEP ELEVEN

OUR PUBLIC RELATIONS POLICY IS BASED ON ATTRACTION RATHER
THAN PROMOTION; BUT WE NEED ALWAYS MAINTAIN PERSONAL
ANONYMITY AT THE LEVEL OF PRESS, RADIO, FILMS AND
TELEVISION.

Although it is understandable that we are all enthusiastic in
our efforts to promote the growth of Gam-Anon through the medium

of press, radio or television, we should ever be mindful of the fact
that we must maintain our anonymity at all times. In order to
attract new members, it is most important that we have much to
offer in the way of hope, encouragement and understanding.
It is never necessary at any time for any one to lose their
anonymity by appearing publicly to promote publicity.

STEP TWELVE

ANONYMITY IS THE SPIRITUAL FOUNDATION OF THE GAM-ANON
PROGRAM, EVER REMINDING US TO PLACE PRINCIPLES BEFORE
PERSONALITIES.

Gam-Anon members need to protect their anonymity for two
obvious reasons. At first, we may think only of protecting our hus-
bands and families against unfavorable publicity which could
affect their livelihood. We sometimes feel ashamed of our husband's
problem, we attract new members because they are assured of this
anonymity. Our second reason being, that anonymity brings us true
humility. By remaining anonymous, we have found that we do not
feed an obsessive need for recognition. A cardinal rule for our
survival is, “Principles must always be placed before personalities.”
In order to grow, the welfare of the group must come first. There
have been times when a member has refused to attend a meeting
because of a personal animosity toward another member or mem-
bers . . . This a good example where principles have not been
placed before personalities.

60

|

<—sB

“GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS | CANNOT |
CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS | CAN, AND
THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.”

| heard this prayer for the first time at the close of a meeting
when my husband became a member of G. A. and it held no sig-
nificance for me because for many years Serenity was far from a
part of my life. True, | prayed daily that in some way God would
make my husband see the light, but my prayers were always for
him and not for myself. As | look back, | believe that God did grant
me a measure of Serenity without my asking for or knowing | had
received it, otherwise, | am sure that | never could have traveled that
long hard road alone.

Now after five years of association with G. A. and Gam-Anon,
this prayer has become a part of my daily life and | know that my
prayers are being answered because | have learned to accept the
things | cannot change, have been able to change the things that
were within my power to change, without fear, and | have gained
the Wisdom to, at least in part, know the difference.

61
IV. PRAYERS, MEDITATIONS AND THOUGHTS TO

I

10.

ll.

12,

BUILD ON

THE WAY TO HAPPINESS

Resignation
Hope

Faith
Honesty
Humility
Sincerity
Willingness
Courage
Charity
Vigilance
Serenity

Action

THE GAM-ANON WAY OF LIFE

62

JUST FOR TODAY

| have found the “Just For Todays” in our Gam-Anon booklet to
be a wonderful inspiration to me in finding a better way of living.
When my mind becomes clouded with worry and anxiety, | turn my
thought to: “Just for today | will try to live through this day only,
and will not tackle my whole life’s problem at once, | can do some-
thing for twelve hours that would appall me if | felt that | had to
keep it up for a lifetime.” It gives me such a feeling of release when
| remind myself that | need not carry the weight of the future on my
shoulders. | can give myself fully to the responsibilities and to the
pleasures of one day at a time. If this becomes too much for me |
may even revert to taking life, one hour at a time. | have learned
how simple living can be. Now | can face life’s blackest hours, ‘for
this too shall pass!”

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Start your yarden with five rows of peas: PRESENCE, PROMPT-
NESS, PREPARATION, PURITY, PERSEVERANCE. Then next, plant
three rows of Squash: squash gossip, squash criticism, squash indifference.
You will want to plant five rows of lettuce: let us be faithful to duty, let
us be unselfish, let us be loyal, let us be true to our obligations, let us love
one another. No garden is complete without turnips: turn up for important
meetings, turn up with a smile, turn up with new ideas, turn up with
determination to make everything count for something good and worth-
while, turn up with your prayers to God for a better way of life.

MEDITATIONS

When we fill our hearts with regrets over the failures of yesterday,
and with worries over the problems of tomorrow, we have no today in

which to be thankful.

By forgiving others, we open the way for God to forgive us.

LEARN to pause—or nothing
worthwhile can catch up with you.

SMALL worries are like gnats;
movement and activity dispense them.

TO HAVE ideas is to gather flowers;
to think is to weave them into garlands.

GREATNESS consists in trying to be great.
There is no other way.

63

THERE'S not one of us who cannot
make where we are a wonderful place
to look out from.

SUCCESS consists in getting up
once oftener than you fall down.

SELFISHNESS is a gift of nature.
Unselfishness is an accomplishment.

WE’RE NOT primarily put on the earth
to see through one another,
but to see one another through. . .

ENTHUSIASM is infectious
and so is lack of it.

WHAT we call luck may often be pluck
and doing things over and over
Courage and will

Perserverance and skill

Are the four leaves of lucks clover

TO be happy one must learn to
tolerate the inescapable
restrictions of ones self.

GETTERS generally don’t get
happiness; givers get it.

SKETCHES
By Ben Burroughs

| wasted a whole day hating .. . | tinkered with precious time
... harboring silly notions . . . committing a common crime...
| threw away golden moments . .. while causing my heart to yearn
. squandering treasured hours .. . that never will return... |
turned my back on a warm smile . . . thought smiles were a web
devils weave . . . it seemed like the right thing to do... although
| could see | was blinded .. . by things foolish people pursue . .
| let happiness drift beyond me... oh, if | had only known. .
that day was my last for living . . . it’s too late now, | amalone...

ANGER
Anger is the wind that blows out the light of the mind.

FEAR

Fear is the absence of faith as darkness is the absence of light.

64

4
a

(a

| WALKED A MILE

1 walked a mile with gladness
And thou she chatted all the way,
I never learned a thing

When gladness walked my way.

| walked a mile with sorrow
And not a word did she say
But, oh, the things I learned
When sorrow walked my way.
Anonymous

TWELVE THINGS TO REMEMBER

The value of time;
The success of perseverance;
The pleasure of working;
The dignity of simplicity;
The worth of character;
The power of kindness;
The influence of example;
The obligation of duty;
The wisdom of economy;
The virtue of patience;
The improvement of talent;
The joy of originating.
Marshall Field

THE QUIET TRUTH

Self-respect cannot be hunted. It cannot be purchased. It is never for
sale. It cannot be fabricated out of public relations. It comes to us when
we are alone, in quiet moments, in quiet places, when we suddenly realize
that, knowing the good, we have done it; knowing the beautiful, we have
rerved it; knowing the truth, we have spoken it.

GOD WILL GUIDE YOU

God will guide you, simply trust Him,
He knows what 1s best for you;

Stop outlining and repining,

Wait and see what He will do.

God will guide you, do not doubt Him,
Yield today your human will;

Never straying, daily praying,

He will every need fulfill.

God will guide you; love and serve Him;
Like a child obedient be;

Kindness voicing, keep rejoicing,

His good purpose will you see.

65

—— — 7 = a

PRAYER OF ST. FRANCIS

Lord, Make me an instrument of thy peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love,
Where there is injury, let there be pardon,
Where there is doubt, faith,
Where there is despair, hope,
Where there is darkness, light
Where there is sadness, joy

Oh Divine master grant

That I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console,

To be understood as to understand,

To be loved, as to love,

For it is in giving that we receive,

And it is in pardoning that we are pardoned.

And it is in dying, that we are born to eternal life.

Dear Father, who hast taught us that out of the abundance of the
heart the mouth speaks, fill our hearts with Thy love that we may declare
it in every work and deed. Renew our minds and purify our hearts that
our attitudes may testify of Thee.

Almighty God, Help us to face our difficulties armed with Thy calm-
ness and temper our frantic drives with Thy peace.

I pray that-1 may live according to the dictates of my cons¢ience.
I pray that I may leave the results to God.

There is no problem too big,

and none too small.

God hears the loudest,

and softest call.

This is the promise!

That he hears each prayer,

and when we have need for Him,
He is there.”

"If there seems ta he no bright side in your life, polish up the dark side.”

"When life lays a burden upon you, there are three things you can do:
You can rebel and make the worst of it; You can acquiesce and make the
best of it; or you can accept the challenge and make the most of it.”

66

pepo oad ag

(ay

THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY

Today 1s here. It is new, it is now, Forget yesterday, which is gone.
Use today as best you can. You are sure of it and nothing more. Begin
here and now.

Men who do things that count, never stop to count them.

Ask not what Gam-Anon can do for you, but rather what you can do
for Gam-Anon. It is very much like a bank—the more you put into it—
the more you will get out of it.

To see myself as others see me, would make me swear it couldn’t be
me!

Be yourself. It is the one thing you can do better than anything else.

I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good therefore that
! can do, or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature, let me
do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way
again,

Happy 15 the man who knows what to remember in the past... what
to enjoy in the present... what to plan in the future.

BIG stp?
Anger is one letter away from DANGER!

“A man should keep his friendships in constant repair!”

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry.
One of these days is YESTERDAY with its mistakes and cares, its faults
and blunders, its aches and pains. YESTERDAY has passed forever beyond
our control.

All the money in the world cannot undo a single act we performed.
We cannot erase a single word we said. YESTERDAY is gone!

The other day we should not worry about is TOMORROW with its
ossible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance
OMORROW is also beyond our immediate control.

67

TOMORROW'S sun will rise. etther in splendor or behind a mask
of clouds—but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in TOMOR-
ROW, for it is yet unborn.

This leaves only one day--TODAY. Any man can fight the battles
of just one day. It 1s only when we add the burdens of those two awful
eternities—Y ESTERDAY and TOMORROW —that we break down.

It is not the experience of TODAY that drives men mad—it is re-
morse or bitterness for something which happened YESTERDAY and the
dread of what TOMORROW may bring.

LET US LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME

Is there a tomorrow?

Perhaps there is, but I shall not fear it.

I shall live only for today,

And not be afraid of tomorrow.

I will welcome each day with a little love,

A little understanding, a little patience.

Some may say the older we get, the wiser we are,
| wonder if that is so.

Would a wise man throw away another day
Because he fears tomorrow?

Jean

. Cleveland, Ohio Group

In Gam-Anon we do not enter into theological discussions, but in
carrying our message, we attempt to explain the simple “How” of the
spiritual life... How faith in a Higher Power can help you to overcome
loneliness, fear and anxiely ... How it can help you get along with other
people... How it can make it possible for you to rise above pain, sorrow
and despondency .. . How it can help you to overcome your desires for
the things that destroy. Have I reached a simple, effective faith?

When we fill our hearts with regrets over the failures of yesterday,
and with worries over the problems of tomorrow, we have no today in

which to be thankful.

By forgiving others, we open the way for God to forgive us.

It does little good to attend meetings once hoping to get some-
thing out of the program. Sooner oy later we have to get into action,
by coming to meetings regularly, by giving a personal witness of
our experience, strength, hope and by helping other Gam-Anon

68

r

ARR RRR RRS
Qeebeeoadaua

See ee

Mal
(ae

members. Building a new lite takes all the energy that we use to
spend on self pity. Am | spending at least as much time and effort on
the new life | am trying to build through Gam-Anon?

Life’s major business is to achieve maturity, wisdom. compassion, self-
control and competence.

“YOUR TEMPER IS YOUR GREATEST ASSET ...... KEEP IT!”

MEDITATION FOR THE DAY

Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, when
you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.

God brings men into deep water, not to drown them, but to cleanse them.

“Too often people call on God for guidance, and then hang up the receiver
in His face.”

“Make me thoughtful but not moody, helpful but not bossy; with
my vast store of wisdom, it seems a pity to use it all but Thou knowest
that I want a few friends at the end.”

“Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally 1 may be mistaken...
Keep me reasonably sweet. i do not want to be a saint—some of them are
so hard to live with. Give me the ability to see good things in eet
places and talents in unexpected people... Give me the grace to tell them
GOST A Amen.”

The past is gone, the future yet unknown.

They both belong to God. Waste not yours in vain regret norfewrful dread;
Let doubt give place to hope instead of gloom. Let sun in radiance shine.
Guard this precious gift, O man,

Today alone is Thine.

Give truth, and your gift will be paid in kind,
And honor will honor meet;

And smile that is sweet will surely find
A smile that is just as sweet.

MEDITATION IN TIME OF DEPRESSION

To bear up under loss; to fight the bitterness of defeat and the weak-
ness of grief; to be victor over anger; to smile when tears are close; to
resist disease and evil men and base instincts; to hate hate, and to love

69

love; to go on when it would seem good to dig; to look up with unquench-
able faith in something eter more about to be. That is what any man can

do, and be great.

Don’t take rumor at its face value.
Treat it like a check. .
Be sure it is genuine, before you endorse it.

Don’t be discouraged if adversity knocks you to your knees—that’s
the best position for praying.

The man who deals in sunshine, is the man who gets the crowds—
he does a lot more business, than the man who peddles clouds.

We constantly “take stock” of those about us. We observe how at-
tractively the “merchandise” is packaged and displayed, and how ef fec-
tively it is being marketed, but, how often do we turn “inventory eyes’ on

ourselves? ????

Youth is not a time of life. It is a state of mind. You are as young
as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as
old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair. So long as
your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage, grandeur and power
from the earth, from man and from the infinite, so long, you are young...

““OTHERS”’

It doesn’t matter who you are,
Or what you have, or do.
If you give of your very best
The best returns to you.
A law of compensation works,
We get just what we earn,
If we love others with our hearts,
We get love mreturn.
The little things we sometimes do
For others day by day,
Return quite unexpectedly
In some peculiar way.
_. . Herbert Parker

(Guideposts, Jan. ’65)

70

iF | HAD HELPED

If I had nade some face to smile
Once darkened by a frown,

If I had helped to lift the load
From one with grief bowed down,

If I had brought a gleam of faith
To one who's hope was gone,

If I had changed the wayward path
Of steps to right from wrong,

I'd thank the Lord and be content
At night times close of day,

I’d ask again for strength to help
Another on his way.

. . . Sent in by Jean S.
San Jose, Calif. Group

DON’T WORRY

To worry does no good at ail,
But does a lot of harm;

It puts cross lines upon your face,
And dissipates your charm,

Whatever is to be, will be;

It only serves to dim your joy,
And all your friends estrange.

‘Tis lack of confidence in self
That causes worry’s fright;

A lack of faith in God's design
Your happiness will blight.

Then cast aside those gloomy thoughts
And bid your dark fears flee,

Live in the light of faith and love,
Joyful and worry-free.

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT

“I’ve shut the door on yesterday,
It’s sorrows and mistakes;
And locked within it’s gloomy walls,
It’s failures and heartaches.
I’ve shut the door on yesterday,
And thrown the key away;
Tomorrow has no doubts for me,
Since I have found today.”

Fl

Is thy cruse of comfort wasting?
Rise and share it with another,
And though all the years of famine
It shall serve thee and thy brother.

Is they burden hard and heavy?
Do thy step drag wearily?

Help to bear thy brothers burden.
God will bear both it and thee.

Is the heart a living power?
Self-entwined its strength sinks low:
It can only live in loving,

And by serving, love will grow.

Author Unknown

THE SIN OF OMISSION

It isn’t the thing you do;

It’s the thing you leave undone,
Which gives you a bit of heartache
At the setting of the sun.

The tender word forgotten,

The letter you did not write,

The flower you might have sent,
Are your haunting ghosts tonight.
The stone you might have lifted
Out of a brother's way,

The bit of heartsome counsel

You were hurried to much to say.
The loving touch of the band,

The gentle and winsome tone,
That you had no time or thought for
With troubles enough of your own.
The little acts of kindness,

So easily out of mind;

Those chances to be helpful

Which everyone may find.

72

IF | HAD HELPED

If I had made some face to smile
Once darkened by a frown,

If I had helped to lift the load
From one with grief bowed down,

If I had brought a gleam of faith
To one who's hope was gone,

If I had changed the wayward path
Of steps to right from wrong,

I'd thank the Lord and be content
At night times close of day,

I'd ask again for strength to help
Another on his way.

. . . Sent in by Jean S.
San Jose, Calif. Group

DON’T WORRY

To worry does no good at ail,
But does a lot of harm;

It puts cross lines upon your face,
And dissipates your charm,
Whatever is to be, will be;

It only serves to dim your joy,
And all your friends estrange.
"Tis lack of confidence in self
That causes worry’s fright;

A lack of faith in God's design
Your happiness will blight.

Then cast aside those gloomy thoughts
And bid your dark fears flee,
Live in the light of faith and love,
Joyful and worry-free.

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT

“I’ve shut the door on yesterday,
It’s sorrows and mistakes;
And locked within it’s gloomy walls,
It's failures and heartaches.
I’ve shut the door on yesterday,
And thrown the key away;
Tomorrow has no doubts for me,
Since I have found today.”

ya

Is thy cruse of comfort wasting?
Rise and share it with another,
And though all the years of famine
It shall serve thee and thy brother.

Is they burden hard and heavy?
Do thy step drag wearily?

Help to bear thy brothers burden:
God will bear both it and thee.

Is the heart a living power?
Self-entwined its strength sinks low:
It can only live in loving,

And by serving, love will grow.

Author Unknown

THE SIN OF OMISSION

It isn’t the thing you do;

It’s the thing you leave undone,
Which gives you a bit of heartache
At the setting of the sun.

The tender word forgotten,

The letter you did not write,

The flower you might have sent,
Are your haunting ghosts tonight.
The stone you might have lifted
Out of a brother's way,

The bit of heartsome counsel

You were hurried to much to say.
The loving touch of the hand,

The gentle and winsome tone,
That you had no time or thought for
With troubles enough of your own.
The little acts of kindness,

So easily out of mind;

Those chances to be helpful

Which everyone may find.

A MORNING PRAYER

Let me today do something that will take
A little sadness from the world’s vast store,
And may I be so favored as to make

Of joy’s too scanty sum a little more.

Let me not hurt, by any selfish deed

Or thoughtless word, the heart of foe or friend.
Nor would I pass unseeing worthy need,

Or sin by silence when I should defend.

However meager be my worldly wealth,

Let me give something that shall aid my kind—
A word of courage, or a thought of health
Dropped as I pass for troubled hearts to find.

Let me tonight look back across the span

Twixt dawn and dark, and to my conscience say—
Because of some good act to beast or man—_
“The world is better that I lived today.”

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

COMPENSATION

Who never wept knows laughter but a jest;
Who never failed, no victory has sought;
Who never suffered; never lived his best;
Who never doubted, never really thought;
Who never feared, real courage has not shown;
Who never faltered, lacks a real intent;
Whose soul was never troubled has not known
The sweetness and peace of real content.

E. M. Brainard

“They that sow in tears shall reap in joy’

SKETCHES
Today is the day to be happy,

tomorrow may be too late;
Only the present is certain,
foolish are those who would wait.

Make use of the blessings God gavé you,
or else He will take them away;
Remember things fade rather quickly,

enjoy all your gifts while you may.

Happiness stays but a moment,
but every few realize this;
Seldom can people recapture,
a moment of heavenly bliss.

So it is I who sends this message,

to all who tread life’s toilsome road;
Live every day to the fullest,

It may be the last episode.

Ben Burroughs

PATIENCE

Patience has an upturned face,
of radiance and trust

that’s born of love and wisdom,
of all things kind and just.

Patience is a knowing,

deep within the waiting heart
that order draws a perfect course,
upon the spirit’s chart.

Patience loves the present hour,
whatever it may hold,

savoring its offering,

of spindrift or gold.

Patience is expectancy that
good is ever true,

That Love’s abundance flows
unchecked,

and constantly to you... !!:

74

4
(ay

WORDS

A Careless word

May kindle strife
A Cruel word

May wreck a life.
A bitter word

May hate instill;
A brutal word

May smite and kill.
A gracious word

May smooth the way;
A joyous word

May light the day.
A timely word

May lessen stress;
A loving word

May heal and bless.

(Submitted by Margie M.
Downey, Calif. Group.)

WORDS ARE MAGIC

A word of appreciation, gratitude, or encouragement will. brighten
an individual’s day and often change his whole outlook and give bis life
renewed purpose and hope.

It takes little energy-or time to say, “That was very thoughtful of
you,” or “How gracious you are,” or “How well you look,” or “We are
proud of you,” or “That's a mighty fine piece of work.”

Try sprinkling your conversation with sincere expressions such as
these and watch their effect on the lives of those who receive them.

‘*SUCCESS OR FAILURE?’’

S—ense of directioi l'—rustration, futility
U—nderstanding A-~ggressiveness (misdirected )
C—ourage I—nsecurity

C—harity L—oneliness (lack of oneness)
E—steem U-—neertainty

S—elf Confidence R—esentment

S—elf Acceptance E—mptiness

Lf you feel that your marriage may go on the rocks, why not list the
things your partner has that are pleasing to you, and opposite this, list
those traits of your ewn that might make you a bit difficult to live with
It may change your entire existence.

75

THINK?

If you stay humble
you will not stumble.

When God seems far away,
Think!

Who has moved ????

“He that would live in peace and ease must not speak all he knowns nor
judge all he sees.”

—A SYSTEM I'M GOING TO TRY TO WORK—

When, for some reason or another, my thoughts turn to doubts
and then to fears, frustration and anger — instead of pacing the
floor — or drinking coffee and just sitting around trying to look into
the future and decide how | am going to meet the worst when it
comes (we all know those thoughts) | am going to ask myself —
what am | doing right now? Am | sittting doing nothing or am |
taking care of things which are my part of the responsibility.

Of course, the answer is that | am not doing what | should be
doing and that | had better start concentrating on getting myself
‘on the ball.”

| don’t know whether this system will work or not — but I do
know that sitting and worrying never worked — so | am going to
try to close the door on the “worrying system.”

Pat L.
Downey, Calif. Group

One thing to be said for big problems is that they take your mind off the
little problems.

A DAY OF WORRY IS MORE EXHAUSTING THAN A WEEK OF
WORK

‘‘MISTAKES”’

Don’t be concerned, nor be surprised
If what you do is criticized;

There are always some who usually can
Find fault with every different plan;
Mistakes are made, we can’t deny,

But only made by folks who try.

76

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MY PRAYER FOR TODAY
For Strength

Arise and awaken oh my soul and be glad,

For the wonderful nites rest you have had.
Give thanks for the dawn of this new day,

In which to love, to laugh, to work and to play.
As the sun rises high to shed its light,

Make this my day to be kind and do right.

Let the love of God that is in my heatt,

Pour forth on all of whom I am a part.

So... when the sun sets in the Golden West,

I can thank God today I did my very best.

by Leah Hortense Crane

For Gratitude

Thank you God for the good feeling I have toward my husband
reer ee your loving guidance, I could not know the happiness I feel
today.
Thank you for relieving me of bitterness and resentments.
Dear God, erase any remaining resentments from my heart.
but Thy will be done.
Help me to surrender my will to you and to remember not my will,

Wanda G.

in Time Of Sorrow Or Despair

This too, will pass, of heart say it o’er and o'er.
From out of my deepest sorrow, from out of my deepest grief,
No burt can last forever. Perhaps tomorrow will bring relief.

Meditation For The Day

Understanding and tolerance
are ours when we recall
others are just human, too,
and failings plague us all.

Prayer for Direction

God grant that I may find my rightful place in the world, and that
my work may be made more effective by Thy grace.

Prayer for Guidance

_ Dear God I pray that I may try to bring something good into every
situation today. I pray that I may be constructive in the way 1 think and
speak and act today.

77

Prayer for Self-Forgetfulness

O, Lord I pray that I may glady serve others out of deep gratitude
for what I have received. 1 pray that 1 may keep a deep sense of obligation.

Prayer for Patience
I pray O God that 1 may wait patiently. I pray that | may put my trust
in You and keep preparing myself for a better life.

Prayer for Tolerance

Keep your hand on my temper this day, O God, and lower my boiling
point. Make me slow to anger and able to refrain from speaking words
I'll regret. Hold on to my temper, O God, and keep it in Thy hand, no
matter what the provocation. Help me not to forget to see Thee daily and
to commit into Thy care my life and thought; and to live and speak and
think as always in Thy presence.

Amen

Prayer for Humility
God, forgive me that when life's circumstances lift me to the crest of
the wave, I tend to forget Thee. Yet, like an errant child, I have blamed
Thee with my every failure, even as I credit myself with every success.
When my fears evaporate like the morning mist, then vainly I imagine
that I am sufficient unto myself, that material resources and human re-
sources are enough.

Prayer for Gratitude
I need Thee when the sun shines, lest I forget the storm and the dark.
I need Thee when I am popular, when my friends and those who work
beside me approve and compliment me, I need Thee more then, lest my
head begin to swell.

Prayer for Faith
O God, forgive me for my stupidity, my blindness, my lack of trust
in Thee. Be Thou now my guide. Save me from conceit. Save me from
pettiness. Save me from myself!

Prayer for Compassion

Dear God, take away all bitterness and resentment from our hearts.
Bless those who have wronged us and give us grace to overcome evil with
good. Help us to seek Thy forgiveness that we may be willing to forgive

others.

Pray daily; God is easier to talk to than
most people.

God help us to be masters of ourselves that we may be
servants of others.

78

Count Our Blessings

Dear God help me to have a truly thankful heart. Remove the blind-
uess from my eyes and open my heart so that 1 may see myself as 1 really
am. I pray that I may be constantly reminded of reasons for sincere grati-
tude.

Prayer for Today

God grant me perseverance in time of trouble, Strength to overcome
fear and misgivings, and courage with which to face all adversities. Give
me the gift of gratitude for all the blessings I have received. Help me to
forget the past. but if | must look back, let me do so without resentment.

My Prayer

L pray that 1 may put all my trials and tribulations in God's hands
and leave them there ...1 pray that I may fully trust God to take care of
them ...1 pray that I may never doubt the power of God and so take
things into my own hands ...1 pray that health, joy, peace and serenity
may take the place of worry, fear and resentment.

Prayer for the Month.

O God, take from us all false pride and vanity,
All boasting and forwardness.

Give us the true courage

that shows itself by simplicity,

and the true power

that shows itself by modesty.

O God, we know that without love our lives are hollow and bitter.
Please help us to obtain the love which bears all, endures all and gives all.

Prayer

Lord, protect me from the dangers .. . which I have to face each
day... and within the nightly darkness .., do not let me go astray...
In the time when dawn approaches ... and the earth in silence lies...
Let my waking mind be peaceful... and with newborn hope arise...
when the sunlight fills the heaven... and reflects in crystal dew... Give
my heart the inspiration... which it needs to live for you... and when
afternoon is ending ... as the dusk is drawing near... Bless my home
and all my loved ones... and my friends from far and near... and
before my eyes arc closing... In the light of stars above... Let me say
that | am grateful... for your patience and your love.

“And in doing good let us not grow tired; for in due time we shall
reap if we do vot relax. Therefore, while we have time, let us do good to
al men.”

79

PASS IT ON

Have you had a kindness shown—pass tt on
Twas not meant for you alone—pass it on
Let it travel down the years,

Let it wipe another’s tears,

'Til the deed in Heaven appears—Pass It On.

Thanksgiving Prayer

O God, we are grateful for every gift, but especially for life itself.
May our gratitude reflect itself in the lives we lead, bringing honor
and glory to Thee.

“THE BETTER WAY”

I'd rather see a sermon,
than to hear one any day;
I’d rather one should walk with me,
than merely show the way.
The eyes are better pupils,
and more willing than the ear;
Fine counseling is confusing;
but an example is always clear
And the best of all the preacher,
are the men who live their creeds,
For to see good put in action,
is what everybody needs.
I can watch your hands in action,
but your tongue too fast may run;
And the lectures you deliver,
may be very wise and true,
But I’d rather get my lesson
by observing what you do.
For I may misunderstand you,
and the high advice you give,
But there’s no misunderstanding in
how you act and how you live.

MOST OF LIFE’S PROBLEMS ARE LIKE THOSE CLOVERLEAF
INTERCHANGES WE FIND ON OUR HIGHW AYS—unlikely though
it may seem, there is a way out.

Make it a rule of life, never to regret and never to look back. Regret
is an appalling waste of energy; you can’t build on it; it's only good for
wallowing in.

80

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TALK

TALK not of strength, till your heart has known
And fought with weakness through long hour alone.

TALK not of virtue, till your conquering soul
Has net temptation and gained full control.

Boast not of garments, all unscorched by sin,
Till you have passed unscathed through fires within.
AUTHOR UNKNOWN

OUR OWN

We have careful thought for the stranger,
And smiles for the sometime guest,

But oft for our own

The bitter tone,

Though we love our own the best.

Oh, lips with the curve impatient,

And brow with that look of scorn,
Would be a cruel fate

Were the night too late

To undo the work of the morn.

MARGARET E. SANGSTER

LOVE

It is in loving, not in being loved
The heart finds its quest;

It is in giving, not in getting
Our lives are blest.

ma
AUTHOR UNKNOWN
im @
a I NEVER KNEW A NIGHT SO BLACK
ee I never knew a night so black
ine Light failed to follow on its track.
I never knew a storm so gray
cea It failed to have its clearing day.
r I never knew such bleak despair
<2 That there was not a rift, somewhere.
T I never knew an hour so drear
ae Love could not fill it full of cheer!
a JOHN KENDRICK BANGS
ome '

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OUTWITTED

He drew a circle that shut me out—
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.

But Love and I had the wit to win:

We drew a circle that took him ix!

A man has to live with himself, and he should see to it that he always has
good company.

To quote a well-known commercial, “When my husband gambled, I saw
him more, but enjoyed him less. Now that he is a member of G.A., I see
him less, but enjoy him more!”

Life is so busy and complex that people are usually puzzled about
what they can do to straighten out the things that are wrong in the world.
‘What can I do?” they say. "I am only one person.” The magic of action
unfortunately goes unrecognized. A person’s influence is something that
can never be arsed: There is no limit to the good a man can do if he
doesn’t care who gets the credit.

The waste of life in the love we have not given;
the powers we have not used;

the selfish prudence which will risk nothing and

which shrinking pain, misses happiness as well.

"Let me not judge my brother until I have walked three miles in bis
mocassins.””

"Faith is no guarantee against troubles, only against defeat.”

“Nobody should ever be ashamed to admit he has been in the wrong,
which is saying in other words that he is wiser today than he was yester-

day,”

82

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LOVE

I have come to believe love to be the escape from the prison of self.
Only in self forgetfulness can we experience the fruits of true love. It is
easy to return love for love, But if I wish to make any real advancement
in my search for love, I must do more. It is necessary that I vid myself
of resentment and hostility. I must attempt to change my state of mind
until I am conscious only of harmony and peace within myself.

“THE NEED OF FRIENDS”’

‘If nobody smiled and nobody cheered and nobody helped us along;

If every man looked after himself and good things all went to the strong,
If nobody cared just a little for you, and nobody thought about me,
And we all stood alone in the battle of life, what a dreary old world it
would be.

Life is sweet just because of the friends we have made and the things that
in common we share.

We want to live on, not because of ourselves, but because of the people
who care.

It’s png and doing for somebody else; on that all life’s splendor depends,
And the joy of the world when you've summed it all up is found in the
making of friends.

A bell is no bell till you ring it,
A song is no song till you sing it,
And love in your heart wasn’t put there to stay,
Love isn’t love till you give it away.
from Oscar Hammerstein’s
Sound of Music

LOVE

Love 1s not content with fair words, but being a very real force, it
seeks to assert itself by deeds. The effect of love is an eagerness to be up
and doing, to heal, to serve, to give, to shelter, to console... A love that
remains inactive, a force that is asleep, is a dying love. If you do not wish
to cease to love, you must never cease to do good. If you love, you do not
fear labor; for love makes even drudgery pleasant... Love makes every-
thing easier. The cure for all ills and wrongs, cares and sorrows, lies in
that one word. Love that is genuine does not ask questions, but pours itself
out, like sunshine and like rain which falis upon he ocean as well as on the

thirsty field.

MEDITATION

I will try to help others. I will try not to let a day pass without reach-
ing out an arm of love to someone. Each day I will try to do something
to lift another human being out of the sea of discouragement. In my own
gratitude, I will turn and help another person with the burden that is
pressing heavily upon her.

83

GOLDEN KEY

The trustful heart will surely find
When irritants appear,

That turbulent distress of mind
Is tranquilized with prayer;

That prayer becomes a barricade
To worry, grief, or pain;

And makes restricting shadows fade
From the dark domain;

That prayer will keep a dream aglow,
And help to bring success

To any great attempt, to grow
In strength and loveliness.

However discouraging your days may have been thus far, keep this thought

foremost in your mind—Life begins each morning.

DON’T QUIT

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all up bill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As everyone of us sometimes learns,

And many failure turns about,

When he might have won had he stuck it out;

Don’t give up, though the pace seems slow—

You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than

It seems to a faint and faltering man.

Often the struggler has given up

When he might have captured the victor's cup.

And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,

How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out—

The silver tints of the clouds of doubt.

And you can never tell how close you are

It may be near when it seems afar;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit—

It’s when things seem worst that you mustn’t quit.
.. . Poor Clare Nuns

Sauk Rapids, Minn.

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