Life with an alcoholic seemed unbearable to this husband, Until he found

An Oasis Called Al-Anon Condensed from FAMILY HEALTH ROBERT ELLIOTT (a pseudonym)

As we were leaving the party late that Walking to the elevator, I was totally night, my wife tripped on an outside step. Trying depressed. I knew that, as soon as she got to break her fall, she put her hands out and hit home, we would be right back on the same old the gravel driveway, palms down and with one merry-go-round. It all seemed so futile! And then leg bent under her. She was too drunk to get up I bumped into a former business associate, a alone. recovered alcoholic, who for years had been I helped her into the car, drove home, helping people who had alcohol problems. and helped her to our doorway. By the time I’d “What are you doing here?” he asked. put the car away, she had somehow got to the “Nothing serious, I hope.” bedroom, pulled the bedspread over herself and Right there in the hospital hall, I told him passed out. the whole bloody mess. The liquor wore off by dawn, and she “You know,” he said, after I’d finished, “if woke me. We’d better get to the hospital,” she it’s as serious as you say, you need help, too. said. Her hands were caked with blood and Living with an alcoholic can be an impossible impregnated with little stones like so much load.” buckshot. Her knee was the size of a melon. I know. I know. After he had examined her, the surgeon, And then he told me about Al-Anon-an who had treated my wife before, said, “I’m afraid organization for people whose lives are affected we’re in for another long one. Can’t tell till the by someone else’s drinking problem. He went on swelling goes down, but I’ll be surprised if she to say that Al-Anon provides information and hasn’t torn the cartilage this time. help for these people whether or not the In our 15 years of marriage, it had been alcoholic seeks help, and he suggested that I go a rare year that my wife hadn’t spent a couple of to a local meeting. I was too filled with weeks in the hospital for some alcohol-related resentment, though, to really listen. I tried to be ailment: a sprained back, pneumonia, nervous courteous but, even as he talked, I was breakdown, torn ligaments, burns, a spinal wondering why I should go to meetings. She has fusion. I’d walked this road many times. Trying the problem-not I. to be father and mother. Car pool. Sitters. Eating But the idea wouldn’t go away. “An out. Psychiatrists. And the awful bitchiness of impossible load,” he had said. As time passed, I the detoxifying alcoholic. I couldn’t go through it began to realize how warped my life was again. I felt so sorry for myself-and so damn becoming. I became aware of a whole litany of mad at her. destructive emotions-anger, anxiety, disgust, Six weeks later, following the operation, embarrassment-that were beginning to the doctor told me that her knee was all right. overwhelm me. I should try Al-Anon. “But the malnutrition is so bad that her skin kept One January evening, I got up nerve and tearing when I sutured. The blood tests show went. In the meeting room were 15 or 20 adults that her liver is shot. She’s going to be dead in of both sexes and miscellaneous ages. I sat six months at this rate.” down next to a woman in her 60s who introduced herself as Beatrice. “May I give you

1

this?” she asked, handing me a folded card. “It’s anger. It must have sounded like a verbal boil the whole thing on the head of a pin.” being lanced, but the moderator was matter-of- On one side was the famous prayer: fact when I finally shut up. “Thank you,” he said. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I “I guess we’ve all felt that way at one point or cannot change; the courage to change the another. That’s why we’re here. Keep coming. If things I can; and the wisdom to know the you don’t hear something tonight that will be difference.” On the other side were the 12 Steps helpful, you will next time.” of Alcoholics Anonymous. The first step: “We During the next several days, I read admitted that we were powerless over alcohol- everything the moderator had given me about that our lives had become unmanageable.” Al-Anon. I learned that a spouse, having Now the meeting was starting. George, accepted intellectually that he or she cannot the moderator, asked us to observe solve the alcoholic partner’s problem, must take confidentiality, to use first names only; and he the big step of accepting it emotionally as well. explained the purpose of Al-Anon, as a separate For his own preservation, dignity and peace of fellowship from AA, designed to meet the needs mind, he must “let go”-detach from the drinking of families and friends of alcoholics. He pointed problem. He must refuse to worry; he must out that the Al-Anon program is based on AA’s accept what he cannot change; he must seek 12 Steps and is designed to guide its members serenity by avoiding the arguments and into personal awareness of their role in relation anxieties created by alcoholics. It seems so to the alcoholic. Then he suggested that we take selfish to ignore someone, but as one woman in turns trying to figure out, aloud, how far each of our program explained, “That’s not what Al-Anon us had gotten with Step 1. means by detachment. It’s really ‘tough love’ I felt confused. “We admitted that we we’re talking about; to protect our own sanity, were powerless over alcohol.” I thought, That’s we turn away from the drinking problem and the my wife’s decision, not mine. But then, as I crazy behavior it causes.” listened, I understood. The question for us was: The second meeting I attended brought “How well have we learned that we cannot new dimensions. I felt the beginning of control our spouse’s alcoholism? What progress fellowship with the group and a clearer have we made in learning to control our own understanding of what we were trying to do. I anxieties and anger in the face of the problem learned that in “working the program,” as Alwe live with?” Anoners call it, one is required to examine one’s A pretty young woman with heavy circles own motivations carefully-to make an honest under her eyes said, “I’ve learned not to cover self-appraisal of virtues and weaknesses. up for him anymore. If he’s too drunk to go to Contempt, scorn and sarcasm are common work, I don’t call up and say he’s sick. He may personality defects of the alcoholic spouse. And get canned, I know, but that’s his problem to a determination to run things-to control the deal with.” alcoholic, to hide the bottles, to keep a stubborn Others spoke up: “As long as he can grip on everything “because the alcoholic can’t count on you to protect him, he won’t change. do anything”-is often the most serious Don’t forget, you’re powerless over his drinking. personality defect of all. Don’t let him make you anxious”….”I used to “Swell,” I said. “But what do I do when I look for the bottles and pour them out, until I come home and find the sink full of dishes, the realized he’d just buy more and hide them hamper full of dirty diapers, and the kids not better”… fed?” “When she’s too drunk to cook dinner, I “First, you try not to get angry-but to take the kids out. We try to make it fun.” remember that you are dealing with the And then it was my turn. Was I in any symptoms of an illness. Then you do the position to say anything? My palms were minimum necessary for cleanliness and health.” wringing wet, and I didn’t know how to start. And what about the children who have to Then the words really came: torrents of bitter live with an alcoholic parent? You level with words, words of resentment, confusion and them, even if it makes you feel guilty at first. You

2

explain that their mother of father is as truly sick stumbling block for some people. It requires that as a diabetic, and you get them to Alateen-the one submit his personal will to that of a higher offshoot of Al-Anon for teen-agers-where they power and stop trying to play God in his own can rap with their peers about their problems. house. My 13-year-old daughter was becoming In my case, I am learning to put things in increasingly tense about the problem at home. perspective. I have two wonderful children, a One day, she broke down at school. Her teacher good job and the ability again to enjoy a sunset, called me at the office. I had toyed with the idea a good laugh, a pleasant meal. I am no longer of Alateen for Beth, and had even talked with consumed by that part of my life that I cannot do her about it. Up to that point, she had not anything about. wanted to try it. My wife is wrestling privately with her But there was an Alateen meeting alcoholism. She may yet reach out for help. I do scheduled for that night, and Beth agreed to go. not know. But I do know that I no longer blame I sat across the hall at the Al-Anon meeting with myself or her. Our home is a happier place now a lump the size of a watermelon in my stomach. that my children and I have learned about the Would it help my daughter? Scare her? What disease of alcoholism. The problem is in its were those ten kids talking about? I couldn’t place, not pervading everything as it did beforeconcentrate on a thing in our meeting. because I, like many thousands before, have When I asked her later how it had gone, found an oasis called Al-Anon. she broke into a smile. “Great, Dad! Can I come back next week?” As I write this, it has been 19 months For further information about Al-Anon and since that first January night. Taking it a step at Alateen, consult your local telephone directory or a time, I’m still with Al-Anon. It offers no magic write to: Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. (or solutions, but rather a whole new philosophy of Alateen), P.O. Box 182, Madison Square Station, living, to be learned slowly and patiently. There Dept. D, New York, N.Y. 10010. is a spiritual aspect to the program that can be a

Source: Reader’s Digest, September 1976

3