THE COMPULSIVE DRINKER

Anonymous

Alcoholism is a disease which affects different people differently. Whether Americans are more susceptible to it than Europeans is a question, but there can be no doubt that Alcoholics Anonymous, whose headquarters is in New York City and of which this writer is a member, has inspired a cure remarkably efficacious for those in the final and compulsive stage.

John’s fears were my fears, too. My will power is Our Father who art in heaven, Hallowed strong, but I simply could not do what my friends be thy name…” At the end of my first Alcoholics could do: sip a couple of drinks, eat a good Anonymous meeting the words of the old prayer meal, and get up in the morning rested and came suddenly alive. Black despair melted into ready for another day. I always missed one train a glimpse of health and a good life, of relief from after another and ended the evening stumbling suffering, remorse, anguish – just a ray of hope, and dreading the next day. I wondered if John but enough to enable me to square my ever had blackouts, losses of memory such as shoulders in new determination. These fine were hitting me lately. I wondered if he ever got people had given me something I badly needed up in the morning with no idea of where he had at that moment. They had shown me a way out left the car, not knowing whom he had been with of the abyss of alcoholism. or what he had said, without a dollar left in his Earlier in the meeting the chairman had wallet. I could tell him about meeting an called on a well- groomed citizen to speak. He important client for lunch and not being sure looked healthy, vigorous, and prosperous. He whether I could get a fork to my mouth. I could began with: “My name is John, and I am an tell these people about the utter soul-shattering alcoholic.” Then he went on to tell how as a degradation of trembling hands that spilled sales manager of a nationwide hardware firm he coffee on my shirt or caused that match to miss had discovered that cocktails before business lighting my wife’s cigarette. luncheons softened up customers, cocktails I could tell them – but would I? I shrank before sales staff dinners made him more from the prospect of getting up before this parish popular, relaxed him, encouraged the bright house full of ex-drunks and peeling myself open ideas. He told about packing a bottle in his bag for their inspection. How could people so to take on the Sunday night train to a distant earnestly reveal what seemed to me a shameful city, about learning to leave a good slug in the weakness? Could I ever admit to being one of bottle for an eye opener Monday morning. them? Then he began to miss Monday The chairman kept things going in appointments; district salesmen never saw him friendly fashion. He said this A.A. meeting would until the middle of the week. Finally he lost his complete his month of presiding over the local family, job, and health. But all the time John group’s affairs and that he would appoint said, “this is my problem. I’ll handle it.” Talks another member to carry on next month. He with a psychiatrist helped, but short stretches of reminded the crowd that there are no officers in sobriety always gave way to worse trouble. A.A., no fancy national headquarters – only Down and out, almost broke, living on liquor and simple services that will help carry the message far from home, he finally asked himself, “What to other alcoholics. “There are no dues or fees in can I do?” A.A.,” he said, “but we do pay rent to use this I sat there thunderstruck. This man John room every week, we buy coffee and was telling my story. He was talking about me. refreshments, and right now I’ll ask Joe to take He is a business executive and I am a up the usual collection.” I noticed that when the professional man, but our stories are the same. basket came along my row it was generously

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filled, and I whispered to one of my new friends “Face your situation as it is and not as to inquire whether A.A. receives gifts. He said you wish it might be. When you understand what that the organization declines outside your problem is and why you have it – the real contributions, that every A.A. group is self- reasons, not your alibis and excuses – you can supporting, and that problems of money, enjoy a normal life again,” he told me. “Most property, and prestige might divert A.A. from its people who drink are not alcoholics and primary purpose. probably will never will be. But for five million “I should like to explain to any men and women drinking is a sickness, and newcomers, ” the chairman added, “that A.A. is you’re one of these. There is just one guy who strictly anonymous. This is the spiritual can cure you, and that is you.” Dr. Proctor foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding recommended that I try A.A. us to place principles before personalities. We Kate ended her talk with a phrase that must always maintain personal anonymity at the stuck in my mind. She said, “But for the grace of level of press, radio, and films. This is an open God and A.A. I wouldn’t be here tonight.” Then meeting where visitors are welcome. Anyone came the Lord’s Prayer: ” “…And lead us not into interested in learning about A.A., also members temptation, but deliver us from evil…” and the of their families and friends, can join us at any meeting broke up for coffee. I knew that it had time. The door of A.A. swings both ways. You taken me years to get myself into an alcoholic can come in; you can go out. You can always hole and that I could not pull out of it overnight; come back – we’ll be here.” but I left sobered, thoughtful, determined to do The chairman then called on an my utmost to make the flash of hope come true. attractive young woman who stepped to the speakers platform to speak. “My name is Kate, and I am an alcoholic.” Kate told the intimate For the next three months I attended two story of the near ruin of her home. As soon as or three A.A. meetings a week. No one asked the children were off to school and her husband me any questions or gave me any lectures; all of had left for work, she tried to remember where them were glad to see me, and I made new she had hidden the bottle the night before. That friends at every meeting. I felt normal and first drink was like pulling down a shade, healthy. Instead of going from the office to the shutting out her remorse and shame, blotting out club, then making a few stops at bars, I went the hangover. She played records and danced directly, eagerly home. My wife was smiling, and around the living room in her negligee and her voice was happy. One morning my daughter exchanged neighborhood gossip over the phone said, “Daddy, every night I thank God, and I just with friends. Instead of eating lunch she drank it. want to thank you for being well again.” Doris By the time the children came home she was in was a happy girl, too, and I was charged with bed: “Mother has a headache; make yourselves new energy for a full day’s work. a chocolate milk and some sandwiches for My old hobbies, like fishing, which I had supper.” neglected for years, began to look good again. This girl is no orator, I thought, but there The season would open before long, and I she stands, looking good, relaxed, almost suggested to Marge that we go over to Bill’s to smiling, talking straight from her heart and from make plans for May weekends. The thought of her own experience with though problems that I wading in fast water at the head of a long pool know so well. Again I thought: Will I ever be able fanning out to a quiet stretch where I could drop to do that? Wouldn’t it be great if I could sit down a fly ready for a trout to strike was tremendously privately with a man who knew exactly what I exciting to me. Plans must be made, gear was going through and had licked it, who talked overhauled. I could hardly wait. my language and wanted to help me? The I hadn’t seen Bill for a year, not since my closest I had ever come to it was a session I had gang carried me into the house and left me on with Dr. Richard Proctor at the Bowman-Gray the divan when we were making ready for the Medical School, in Winston-Salem, North last fishing season. But on this Saturday night Carolina. we were talking as we used to in the old days,

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eagerly planning to leave before daylight on take the children on the following weekend on a opening morning. The girls would join us for the family visit. Out of habit, I welcomed the chance weekend. Then Bill went out to the kitchen and to be alone, puttering around, varnishing my old came back with a tray of ice water and glasses, trout rod, watching TV – and drinking. “But my also with a flushed look on his face as though he God!” I thought. “I’m not drinking, and I don’t had just had a good stiff drink. “I thought it would want to start. What kind of crazy thinking is be nice,” he said, “If we all had something to this?” drink.” As the week wore on, I tried with less It was almost too much for me. Why the and less success to get the idea of having a few hell couldn’t Bill offer everybody a highball and drinks out of my mind. They drove away be natural about it? He and the girls wanted a Saturday morning early, and I kept busy in and drink. Couldn’t I have the privilege of declining or out of the house, catching up on postponed accepting if I wanted to? I burned with anger. chores. That evening I walked a mile to the My sullen mood spoiled what little was liquor store and paused at the door to wonder. left of the party. Marge could sense my distress, Then I went in and bought two bottles. A taxi and we made excuses to leave early. I kept my rushed me home, and I tore off the cap and childish fury pent up and roamed around poured half a glass. Only the first drink tasted as downstairs desperately tempted to drink I had hoped. During the rest of that bottle and anything I could find, but brewed black coffee half of the second I sat cursing myself for being instead and growled at Marge, who was insane. Words for the causes and symptoms of entreating me to get some sleep. my sickness haunted me. “Oh, God, can I ever I was groggy at daylight, but the idea stop again?” occurred to me that I was entirely at fault. I Sunday night I had to call a doctor to get phoned and said, “Bill, I’m sorry to disturb you a shot in the arm before the family got home. It so early, but I want to apologize about last night. was a bad night, but I kept away from anything The plain fact is that I can’t handle liquor and to drink, and next night I went back to A.A., you know it. All I ask is that you treat me like any shaky, overwhelmed with remorse and shame. I other friend. Whenever you want a drink, don’t ought to admit my slip. I could not make the let me interfere. Also please don’t put ice water aisle to go up front as other did, so I just stood or a Coke in my hand. Just ask me what I would where I was and muttered, “this past weekend I like to have, and I’ll name it. I am trying like the tried liquor. I couldn’t handle it. I am sorry I had a devil to be worthy of your trust.” slip, and thanks to you for keeping the doors of I heard a sleepy, “Thanks for calling, A.A. open. I have the proof now that I don’t want Bob. That makes me feel a lot better about the to go out that door again. I know that there is no whole thing. We can have some great times way out of the abyss, except giving up liquor.” together, and I want you to know that I am proud I felt much better for coming out in the of you. Don’t forget we’ve got a date for opening open. I was encouraged and managed a feeble day!” grin. “I guess I forgot Mark Twain’s lesson about giving up smoking,” I said. I gave up A.A. meetings. They were During the next few months I actually enjoyed alright for somebody in bad shape, but I did not being sober – not fighting that first drink, which is need them anymore. This period went on for a the one that does the damage. I settled down to few weeks longer. I felt normal and healthy. I regular attendance at an A.A. group where I felt found that anything I did with liquor I could do most congenial. Perhaps I was still an imposter, better without it. I was my own man again, but I playing a masquerade. I was not yet being had neglected Mark Twain’s remark that quitting completely honest with these decent people and smoking was easy – he had done it hundreds of with myself. For somewhere in this good period times. the terrible thought returned that someday I It was a good sign that my family was might do what no alcoholic on earth has ever beginning to trust me. My wife, beaming with been able to do, drink normally again. new confidence, told me that she planned to

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Then one night before closing a meeting, enough humility to admit, to accept, and to act the chairman dumfounded me by announcing: on my problem wholeheartedly. The next few “For the next month I should like to name words may have sounded natural to the Robert, our new member as chairman.” He was audience, but to me they represented referring to me. Everybody clapped, and I unconditional surrender. They meant I was not wondered how in the world I could do it. I spent just a visitor at these meetings, looking over the every evening rereading what we in A.A. call the program with a skeptical eye, trying something Big Book and leafing through our monthly else to please my wife or maybe to learn some magazine, The Grapevine, to bone up for the job new way to live with liquor. I finally uttered the of chairman. I studied for the hundredth time our words I had never had the courage and humility twelve steps to sobriety: the admission that we to say: “My name is Robert, and I am an were helpless against alcohol but that a power alcoholic.” greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity A great weight lifted from my mind and if we would turn over our wills and lives to God body. Forgetting all the words I had read in the as each of us understands Him. literature of A.A., the thoughts of others that I My new responsibilities weighed heavily had memorized for this occasion, I plunged on me. The night of my first meeting as ahead. “I want to thank you folks for making me chairman I stood near the entrance of the parish chairman this month, “I began, “I’m not sure I house greeting everyone, my wife standing can do a very good job or that I am ready for it. happily at my side. Alcohol is no respecter of Perhaps older and wiser heads around here persons: I was smiling and saying hello to decided that one way to keep me good and lawyers, truck drivers, doctors, housewives, sober for a month was to make me chairman! business leaders, mechanics, and, accompanied “Seriously, though, I have just gone mostly by sponsors from our group, a few through a few moments of decision that I would newcomers looking shaky and white, sick and not swap for anything else that ever happened bleary-eyed. As is customary at all A.A. to me. Most of us in this room have in common a gatherings, chatter, laughter, and smoke filled serious physical and emotional problem. We are the air; wives in the parish-house kitchen trying to do something about it. I have just brewed coffee and made sandwiches. It was learned in standing up here before you that I can time to start. I felt reticent and unworthy to fill the without a shadow of a doubt succeed; I can chairmanship, so that the traditional A.A. prayer achieve recovery and can help others as you are with which I opened the meeting disturbed me: helping me. Without A.A. meetings and group “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I fellowship, I would be lost. I can’t do it alone. I cannot change, the courage to change the thank God I don’t have to.” things I can, and the wisdom to know the As I had known all along, my story was difference.” similar to their stories. But now it suddenly While I read along the brief statement of became not my story, not their story, but our principles which starts every A.A. meeting, that story – for I was finally, completely one of them. prayer began repeating itself. “The courage to And then the final speaker emphasized change the things I can” – and the truth flashed the importance of taking each day as it comes. in my mind with blinding clarity: You are still a “This is a twenty-four-hour program,” he said. coward still holding out; you are not really, not “Today is the only day that counts. Yesterday is sincerely here! It probably lasted only a few gone, and tomorrow may never come.” seconds, but I could see the lies I had told the The hour was nearly up, and I concluded doctors who were trying to help me, the deceit of the meeting. “A.A. is not a religious making light of my problem to my minister, organization,” I said, “but many of us believe family, and associates, those endless alibis and that the spiritual part of the program is the most excuses that had always given me a getaway important. Striving to live a good life, to be in route for a backslide into drinking. I had never tune with our fellow men, to be our best selves burned all my bridges, nor had I quite achieved at all times is a program that will help anybody, including drunks. We’ll all stand and close the

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meeting in the usual way… Give us this day our things we could not change, because some daily bread And forgive us our trespasses as we power had given me the courage at last to forgive those who trespass against us… ” And change the things I could, and Marge and I as Marge and I that night walked home hand in continue to know the difference. hand, we shared the serenity of accepting the

Source: The Atlantic Monthly, September 1959.

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