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THE READER’S DIGEST September shot. She’s going to be dead in six were beginning to overwhelm me. not mine. But then,as I listened, I During the next several days, 1 months at this rate.” I should try Al-Anon. understood.Thequestion for uswas: read everything the moderator had Walking to the clevator,I was to– One January evening, I got up “How well have we learned that we given me about Al-Anon. I learned tally depressed. I knew that, as soon nerve and went. In the meeting cannot control our spouse’s alcoholthat a spouse, having accepted inas she got home,we would be right room were 15or 20 adults of both ism? What progress have we made tellectually that he or she cannot back on the same old merry-gosexes and miscellaneous ages. I sat in learning to control our own anxsolve the alcoholic partner’s probround. It all seemed so futilel And down next to a woman in her 6os ieties and anger in the face of the lem, must take the big step of acthen I bumped into a former busiwho introduced herself as Beatrice. problem we live with?” cepting it emotionally as well. For ness associate,a recovered alcoholic, A pretty young woman with his own preservation, dignity and handing me a folded card. “It’s the heavy circles under her eyes said, ple who had alcohol problems. whole thing on the head of a pin. “T’ve learned not to cover up for him tach from the drinking problem.He “What are you doing here?” he On one side was the famous anymore. If he’s too drunk to go to must refuse to worry;he must acasked.”Nothing serious, I hope.” prayer:”God grant me the serenity work, I don’t call up and say he’s cept what he cannot change; he Right there in the hospital hall, I to accept the things I cannot change; sick. He may get canned, I know, must seek serenity by avoiding the told him the whole bloody mess. the courage to change the things but that’s his problem to deal with.” arguments and anxieties created by ““You know,” he said, after I’d fn- I can; and the wisdom to know Others spoke up:”As long as he alcoholics.It seems so selfish to igthe difference. On the other side can count on you to protect him, he nore someone,but as one woman in you need help, too. Living with an were the 12 Steps of Alcoholics won’t change.Don’t forget, you’re our program explained,“That’s not alcoholic can be an impossible load. Anonymous. The first step:”We adpowerless over his drinking. Don’t what Al-Anon means by detach- I know.I know. mitted that we were powerless over let him make you anxious” “I And then he told me about Alalcohol-that our lives had become used to look for the bottles and pour talking about; to protect our own Anon–an organization for people unmanageable.” them out,until I realized he’d just sanity,weturn away from thedrinkwhose lives are affected by someone Now the meeting was starting. buy more and hide them better ing problem and the crazy behavior else’s drinking problem.He wenton George, the moderator,asked us o “When she’s too drunk to cook dinit causes.” to say that Al-Anon provides inforobserve confidentiality,to use frst ner, I take the kids out. We try to The second meeting I attended mation and help for these people names only;and he explained the make it fun.” brought new dimensions. I felt the whether or not the alcoholic seeks purpose of Al-Anon as a separate And then it was my turn. Was I beginning of fellowship with the help, and he suggested that I go to fellowship from AA,designed to in any position to say anything? My group and a clearer understanding a local meeting.I was too filled with meet the needs of the families and palms were wringing wet, and 1 of what we were trying to do.1 resentment, though, to really listen. friends of alcoholics.He pointed out didn’t know how to start. Then the learned that in “working the pro- I tried to be courteous but,even as that the Al-Anon program is based words really came: torrents of bitter gram,as Al-Anoners call it,one is he talked, I was wondering why I on AA’s 12 Steps and is designed to words,words of resentment,conu required to examine one’s own moshould go to meetings. She has the guide its members into personal sion and anger.It must have soundtivations carefully-to make an problem-not I. awareness of their role in relation ed like a verbal boil being lanced, honest self-appraisal of virtues and But the idea wouldn’t go away. to the alcoholic. Then he suggested but the moderator was matter-ofweaknesses. Contempt, scorn and “An impossible load,” he had said. that we take turns trying to figure fact when I finally shut up. “‘Thank sarcasm are common personality de- As time passed, I began to realize out,aloudhwfareachfuad fects of the alcoholic’s spouse. And how warped my life was becoming. gotten with Step 1. that way at one point or another. a determination to run things-to I became aware of a whole litany of I felt confused.We admitted that That’s why we’re here. Keep comcontrol the alcoholic, to hide the botdestructive emotions-anger,anxwe were powerless over alcohol. I ing. If you don’t hear something tles, to keep a stubborn grip on euiety,disgust,embarrassment-that thought,That’s my wif’s decision, tonight thatwill behelpful,youwill erything“because the alcoholic can’t next time. do anything”—is often the most 139 140

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