Seventeen.Apfil 1971

Young Living: My Parents Drink Too Much

by Abigail Wood

Q: I’m seventeen, from a good home and What have I done to deserve this?) lnevitably I love my parents, but they drink:to excess. I your heartbreak and fear get mixed with anger, can’t stand seeing my mother stagger around hate, bitterness. which only increase your and babble like an idiot every evening. I might misery. not care so much, but when she’s sober she’s a But parents are not just mentors for their great person, intelligent and lots of fun. After six children. They’re human beings, subject to all at night I really hate her. And my father is so the frailties, irrationalities and weaknesses of the impossible when he’s drunk I don’t even talk to human system, including those which brought him. lf I sound bitter, it’s because am. I them to their present state. Everyone knocks the younger generation and People drink for many reasons. Most can many parents are ashamed to be seen with their stop when they want to, if they want to. But children for fear their long hair won’t please when drinking reaches the pattern you describe, someone they meet. In my case it’s the other it’s no longer mere overindulgence. lt has way around. I die a thousand deaths when we become an illness that cannot be consciously go anywhere and my father thinks he should controlled, any more than diabetes -or take drunken command of the whole place. I tuberculosis can be stopped with good never bring friends home because I don’t know resolutions. The fact that they function some of what condition my parents will be in. My mother the time can be deceptive; it may mean only that has had some accidents driving, but so far only the illness is not at its deepest stage. Whether the car has been smashed. When I see them it’s called problem drinking, habitual excessive both driving down the winding road to get more drinking or alcoholism, what’s involved is an beer, I know that one day they won’t make it abnormal sensitivity to alcohol combined with back. I did talk to my father once about my certain compulsions that create a desperate mother’s drinking. He agrees she has a problem craving for it–so desperate that those who have but can’t help her because he doesn’t realize he it are quite unable to stop themselves. And the has one. My mother has promised to stop, but to only treatment that works so far is a rigorous I no avail. feel my patents aren’t alcoholics one-total abstinence. because they can stop sometimes. I can’t talk to Deep down every compulsive drinker anyone about it because everyone thinks they’re knows he has a problem, however much he tries the greatest. But sometimes I feel I can’t bear it to deny or conceal it even from himself. Your another minute. parents don’t want to have car smash-ups or A: Compulsive drinking is painful to live cause you pain; inside, they are full of shame with under any circumstances, but when you’re and guilt. lt’s partly to drown those feelings that still struggling with the standard turmoil of the they continue to drink. teens, it’s especially agonizing to see your There is nothing you can do to make parents skidding toward self-destruction. They them stop. Only they can take that step when were your first heroes, your earliest source of they’re ready to face themselves. Their promises support and guidance. When those trusted and your pleading, reasoning or reproaches can guides seem incapable of managing their own do no good and will only make things worse by lives, you feel betrayed. fheir alcoholic abandon increasing their guilt-load. seems abandonment, rejection. (lf they loved But there are things you can do to help me, how could they do this to me? And why me? yourself. Learning all you can about alcoholism

in order to understand what they’re up against to her but she won’t -understand My father gave will make it easier to be patient and less up listening to me long ago. l’m so afraid it will resentful, less judging. (Young people often be like this for my younger brother, too; he has demand, “Accept me as I am”; can You trY already started to show his resentment. Are applying that idea in reverse?) Love cannot exist other kids in my position? What can I do? without compassion and self-discipline. As you Please don’t pass this off as a minor matter work to change your attitude, you’ll be able to because it gets worse every day. see your parents as persons, to separate your A: Your problem is far from minor, and problems from theirs. You’ll discover that you you are not alone with it. lt’s estimated that there needn’t die of shame when they’re drunk. You are nearly eight million alcoholics in this country are not your parents; when they stagger, no one and since many have children in their teens, you will point a finger at you. (Although people do can see that countless other young people are hold parents responsible for their child’s actions- going through the same torments–and worse. -and hair length-no one holds the child Remember, too, that some of your differences responsible for the parent!) and battles you’d be having anyway as a part of Don’t isolate yourself from friends-see the ordinary teen experience; growing up is them away from home if it’s easier. And do seek never easy, and disputes over curfews, room outside help. lt’s really too much to try to handle cleaning and the like erupt in most families. (ls alone. An excellent source is Alateen, an your record faultless in those departments? Or organization formed by and for teens with a might there be legitimate cause for complaint?) compulsive drinker in their family to help one An alcoholic in the family does, of another cope with their troubles. The national course, greatly multiply the difficulties. But the office (Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Box key to coping with them remains the same– 182, Madison Square Station, New York 10010) understanding, in even larger doses. Read the will tell you whether there’s an Alateen chapter answer to the letter just above. Now, realizing near you (or look in your phone book). lf not, that your father’s condition is really an illness, do they will send you literature and provide member you still feel he should be treated with pen pals. The service is free and confidential indignation and expulsion–or with the patience and has been immensely helpful to many young and solicitude you’d offer anyone else who is ill? people in your situation. Whenever there’s a prolonged and serious problem, it’s natural to become confused, angry Q: l’m fifteen and am having a real and rebellious over the hardship it causes. But hassle with my father. My father is an alcoholic. both your parents need your help more than He has lost countless jobs and causes most and you may have to grow up faster than unbearable embarrassment for our family. He usual, to a maturity beyond your years. One way picks on me for everything from cleaning my to start is to take a fresh look at things from a room to curfews. He insults me, tells me how to completely different point of view. organize my life-as if he was an example! After Example: You’ve been thinking of your all l’ve seen, heard and had to take from him, father at the five-star troublemaker. But like all my resentment shows and instead of swallowing alcoholics, he himself is an unhappy, guiltit calmly, I’m always on the defensive, ready to ridden, frustrated, self-hating, lonely man who lunge back. l’m not wild, I don’t drink, smoke, needs the best in you-your loyalty and affection experiment with drugs or–well, I don’t even date. and courtesy. And like all of us, an alcoholic And my mother sides with my fatherl I used to tends to take out his hostilities on those he loves think she did it just to keep peace but she most. lt’s especially important not to talk back or agrees with him and then punishes me. They’re fight back. lf things get too heated, just move out constantly arguing and yelling, but the minute I of contact. When you’re angry or upset, make talk back to my father she gets all uptight. lf he yourself pause before you speak and hold back really wanted to do something for all our good, the caustic, provocative words. Or simply take a he’d leave. God only knows why my mother walk. Remember, he’s ill and not in control of hasn’t thrown him out long ago. l’ve tried to talk himself. That’s why you must make an effort to

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control yourself. Compulsive drinkers are when the two of them will be fighting or my supersensitive and react quickly to hurt; don’t father drunk. Next year my brother will be away criticize and don’t be scornful. A brilliant sally and l’ll be all alone. I don’t know what I’ll do. may relieve your feelings momentarily, but it will A: Are you being completely honest? lts only intensify the battle. Try to become the often easy to deceive yourself by using one soother, not the irritant. problem as an excuse for not facing up to Think about the pressure that’s on your another. mother too-emotionally, socially and probably Refusing every boy who asks you out financially. She can use the support of your because you don’t know how your parents will affection and consideration. You can contribute behave sounds as if you’re not ready to risk a to family peace also by helping your brother to date without their presence! Surely if your father understand the situation more clearly. isn’t presentable, you can ask your mother to do This is a large order. lt will surely be hard the honors alone when the boy calls for you. lf to do an about-face toward your father when you she wants you to go out, she won’t yell al him. are so filled with anger. But if you can change And you can say your father is sick-it will your attitude toward him, you’ll be surprised at certainly be true. what a change it will make in you as well. For But is it possible that you refuse for more one thing, it will save now-wasted energy for obscure reasons–because you fear you won’t other uses such as developing outside live up socially to your high standards in other interests. Do get in touch with Alateen too. areas? Or that since your father has Meanwhile you might take as your own disappointed you so deeply, you’re afraid to put watchword the essence of their serenity prayer: your faith in any other male? Or could you just May I have the serenity to accept what I cannot be having an exaggerated case ofthe change, the courage to change what I can, and trepidation most girls feel about dating-with its the wisdom to know the difference. sexual implications? A little self-probing may help you find the nitty gritty, and a dash of Q: My father drinks all the time and my courage will probably help you cope with mother yells at everything. And l’ve never had a whatever it is, through learning by doing. date in my life. l’m not bad looking, an honor This is not to say it isn’t difficult and student and l’ve had leads in school plays. embarrassing to have parents who fall short of Because l’m always smiling, people think l’m ideal. But almost everyone does. And if you happy. But whenever a boy asks me out, I have speak of yours with respect and affection, and to refuse because l’d die if anyone outside the make only a simple explanation when family found out about my parents. When I keep necessary, you’ll discourage discussion and refusing dates, boys think, mistakenly, that I your friends will respect you too. don’t like them so they stop asking. lt hurts me To prepare for your brother’s absence to have to do this but how could I possibly next year why not start cultivating some boys to introduce anyone to my parents? My mother take over? ln other words, try the other wordsoften asks why I don’t go out. But I never know “yes, l’d love to”–next time you’re asked.

Source. Seventeen, April 197 1

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