Ladies’ Home Journal. October 1962

Making Marriage Work The Alcoholic Parent by Dorothy Cameron Disney

Making marriage work is never easy straight. I was so ashamed of my father’s when alcoholism is involved. And when there boozing and so mad at my mother for not are children in the family, the trial by ordeal that stopping him I spent hours in my bedroom confronts a loving wife and mother can be where I could brood in privacy. I pleaded with virtually intolerable. my mother to get a divorce so we could raise our There are many wives who would be shades, live like normal happy people.” willing to carry on an unequal partnership were it Every youngster present at the meeting not for the youngsters. But they are loath to had an alcoholic parent. Each knew at first hand subject their boys and girls to demoralized how uncontrolled drinking can wreck marriages homes, parental quarreling, sleepless nights and and devastate families. hideous days. Divorce, for the children’s sake, Alateen now has 150 branches scattered seems the answer. through 50 states. lt is an offspring of Alcoholics ANN’S STORY. . . One night a Year ago Anonymous and an allied organization, Al-Anon, Mrs. Miller (this is not her real name) saw her to which wives, husbands and friends of daughter, Ann, climb out her bedroom window alcoholics belong. Alateen accepts the principles and scuttle through a back garden to the alley. and philosophy of AA and the basic AA tenet The girl was carrying a large brown-paper bag. that alcoholism is an illness that can be arrested ln the alley she lifted the lid of the family’s trash but never cured. With this acceptance comes can and removed empty gin bottles. understanding and, more often than not, a sharp “l followed Ann a half mile to a building reduction in self-pity. .Oh, I excavation,” said Mrs. Miller, “and saw her Things are better now,” said Ann. heave away her parcel. And then I knew! She don’t mean that dad has quit drinking. He hasn’t. was trying to conceal from neighbors just how Just the same, things are better. l’ve learned I much her father drank. had been so from these other kids that my case isn’t unique. preoccupied with my own misery that I hadn’t Lots of them are worse off than I am.” realized what was happening to the child. Right The meeting opened with a prayer for there, right then, I decided to get a divorce.” serenity and courage. ln the hour that followed, But next day Mrs. Miller did not go to a the boys and girls–members range in age from lawyer. She went to her pastor. He suggested twelve to nineteen–exchanged bits of hard-won that she and her daughter investigate a information, shared common experiences. ln the pioneering organization called Alateen, founded main, typical teen-age dilemmas were explored. only four years ago to give youngsters like Yet it was meetings like this, Mrs. Miller told me, fifteen-year-old Ann guidance in a topsyturvy that helped to save her marriage. A wiser, world. lt has been rightly said that alcohol calmer Ann eventually urged her mother to the addiction damages not only the compulsive final decision not to seek a divorce. drinker himself but everyone in his household. PRACTICAL ANSWERS . . . Alateens are On a recent rainy Saturday afternoon I not evangelistic groups dedicated to the reform met sparkling-eyed Ann on the steps of a small of erring elders. One rule the new member church. I followed her inside to the room where a learns at once: you cannot scold, plead, reason dozen teen-aged youngsters awaited us. or threaten an alcoholic into sobriety; such an “Until I joined Alateen,” said Ann, “l was approach only makes matters worse. The best busy feeling sorry for myself and couldn’t think approach is the approach of toleration. An

understanding that a drunken father is a sick picnics, dances, hi-fi gettogethers. But these father (one Alateen tells another) will not only are kept separate from the regular weekly help you to live with him but help him to live with meetings, which have serious purpose and are you and with himself. conducted on that level. The members, who are I met Fred, a skinny, fourteen-year-old, in in search of moral support and counsel, want it an industrial section of Brooklyn. His mother, that way. who holds the family together, is a department- Those within the family circle of an store clerk. His father is a part-time accountant. alcoholic always live in a climate of anxiety and “lt is pretty tough,” said Fred, “to feel suspense. They feel beaten and hopeless. Out respect or affection for anybody like my old man. of frustration there may arise convictions of When I came home the other daY he was personal guilt; because of the very elusiveness slumped on the sofa and I knew he was hitting of the malady, they become convinced that in the bottle again. I didn’t say a word, just looked some way they must be responsible for the at him and started upstairs. Maybe he read my loved one’s condition. This is a misconception mind. Anyway, he pulled a table lamp out of its children frequently bring to Alateen discussions. socket and threw it at me. I was used to ducking As soon as members become aware that their and I wasn’t hurt. But what does a kid do when feelings of personal guilt are without foundation, his dad becomes violent?” they have already taken a long step toward Alateen has a practical answer to that frequently mental health. asked question: The primary function of Alateen is to help “Get completely out of his way until he is bewildered young people solve their own rational again. Then talk it over with someone problems. lts strongest partisans, however, are who has the knowledge and experience to assist mothers (or fathers) who are attempting, under you. This may be an AA member, Your almost insuperable difficulties, to rebuild or clergyman, doctor or a close relative. maintain marriages shadowed by alcoholism. As “An alcoholic can become irritable, over- they see their children gain in self-knowledge, emotional, brutal to the people he loves most. lf self-confidence and self-respect, they feel a you cannot avoid or ignore violent incidents, try lightening of the unequal burdens that are your best to believe they would not have inevitable in an unequal partnership. An happened if your father were himself.” imperfect home, Alateens told me frankly, is Some of the youngsters at the meetings I better than a broken home. attended had never had a close friend. They ln one of Alateen’s booklets I ran across needed and desperately craved companionship- the words of wisdom which deserve a hearing in for misery not only loves company but profits by all households where frictions and dissension it. They feared to invite acquaintances to homes exist: where an unpredictable parent might be silly or “Remember, both your parents need our outrageously drunk. Loneliness usually results in love and loyaltY…. Try not to add a distorted sensitivity, and many chip-onthe- needlessly to their burdens. Try not to take sides shoulder young people had shunned company if there are quarrels, for no matter what your because of snubs that existed only in their parents may say to or about each other, it will imaginations. aid them greatly if they know you love them HAPPIEST HARVEST… The friendships both.” which grow out of Alateen are perhaps its Alcoholism is a special problem, but that happiest harvest. Some of the chapters hold advice has universal application.

Source: Ladies’Home Journal, October 1962

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