Peace and sobriety came to this man whose life had been darkened by alcoholism. Through his experiences, he has helped bring hope to others.

Out of the shadows By Father Ralph S. Pfau and Al Hirshberg

I woke up in a room completely devoid of As I lay on my cot in the sanitarium, I furniture except for a chair, a table and the cot I tried to recall what had made me change my was lying on. mind about going to the West Coast. “Do you want some breakfast, Father?” I didn’t want to come here. And I don’t I blinked my eyes. Standing in front of intend to stay. This solitude is oppressive. I’ve me, with a breakfast tray in his hand, was a got to get out of here. brother. I dressed and went into the “Where am l?” I asked. administration office, and told the brother that I “You’re at the Alexian Brothers wasn’t going to stay. Sanitarium, in Oshkosh, Wisconsin.” “Of course, legally, we can’t hold you,” “How did I get here?” he said. “You’re free to go. Naturally, that would “You drove.” result in your suspension.” “What day is this?” lf I stay, I may never get out. lf I leave, l’ll “Friday.” be suspended. I had left lndianapolis on Tuesday. “Do I say Mass?” I asked. The brother set the tray down and left, “Oh, no. You don’t say Mass. The rule of closing the door behind him. He didn’t lock it. the sanitarium is you do not say Mass until our What happened? Where have I been? I bishop gives you permission.” was headed west. How did I end up here? . .Will I be allowed to go out?” I asked I remember a letter from the bishop, pettishly. removing me as pastor of Sf. Ann’s parish and “With permission,” he said. “You may go ordering me to the sanitarium at Oshkosh. I into town once a month if one of the brothers is remember a drinking session with a friend in the with you.” parish house. I remember loading my car and “What about my car?” leaving lndianapolis and drinking along the way. “You are not to use it. Your bishop has Only, I was going to drive to the West given orders that you are never again to drive a Coasf. car without his permission. We can sell it for I never found out the whole story to my yoU,” he said, “or if you prefer, you may strange odyssey. A nephew of mine, who was designate a friend to sell it.” stationed at an Army base in Milwaukee, later The rest of the day is a blank, but I

gave me a fragment of information. remember the night. Somewhere along the latter It seems that I phoned him from Chicago part of the evening, my mind cleared and told him l’d be in Milwaukee the next day. considerably. lwas deeply resentful, and almost And the next evening, we had dinner and a few all of my resentment was directed at the bishop drinks together. He said he knew l’d been of lndianapolis. drinking, but had no idea that l’d blacked out. I He’s the cause of everything. He sent me had seemed perfectly rational in everything I here. He’ll keep me here. He won’t let me say said. I had told him nothing about myself except Mass. He won’t let me drive my car. He won’t let that I was on a trip. me live a normal life. He won’t even let me be The rest of the trip is an absolute blank free. I’ve lost my parish, my friends, my car, my to this day. liberty, my self-respect-everything. And it’s all the bishop’s fault.

I paced and sat and lay down and looked “Father,” the doctor said, “l think you’re a out a darkened window and smoked and stewed schizophrenic.” and worried. And, gradually, as the night “ls that so?” progressed, my resentment turned to self-pity. I had never heard the term and I didn’t It’s my own fault. I knew I wasn’t worthy want to know what it meant. I was afraid that it of being a priest when I was a seminarian. And meant something very bad. l’ve proved it a thousand times ever since. “Yes,” the doctor said, “but I think we can I blamed everything in the world for my help you. We’re going to try shock treatments.” troubles-everything but alcohol-with the And lsaid, “Fine, Doctor.” resentment aimed, in the last analysis, at myself. The following day, I was taken to another By dawn, I was hopelessly convinced hospital-the Winnebago State Hospital for the that there was nothing anyone, anywhere, could mentally ill. do to straighten me out. Later that morning, a doctor came to visit After I had been admitted, a big male me. Once again, I recited the long unhappy story nurse handed me a shapeless white garment of my career. All I had to do was say aloud and said, “Take off your clothes, Father, and put everything that I had been repeating to myself this on. l’ll be back for you in a few minutes. only a few hours earlier. The longer I talked, the He returned shortly and took me to more I seemed to break with reality. another room. This one was small -about 10 Ihis ls not me. Ihis is somebody else- feet by 12-and, because of the equipment and some other Ralph Pfau. lt is he-not I -who allthe people in it, it looked smaller. needs help. I feel very sorry for him. He has /osf There was a table in the center, similar to everything. I wish I could do something for him. an operating-room table, but wider and heavier. I kept on saying one thing and thinking Within easy reach, with wires sticking out of another. The words were automatic, coming them, were two attachments that looked a bit from the mouth of a stranger; the thoughts were Iike earphones. They swayed gently back and the real me. forth. A doctor stood at the head of the table, with a woman nurse beside him. Halfway down When I came to the end, the doctor said, the table were two of the biggest, most powerful- “Father, there were 12 tull bottles of liquor in looking men I ever saw. I was petrified. your bag. Do you drink much?” Twelve full boftles? That other Ralph This story was written for publication with the permission of Father Pfau’s ecclesiastical superiorc. Pfau left lndianapolis with 12 bottles. How much more liquor did he have to buy to fillthe bag with “Father, lie down on the table, please,” fresh bottles? the doctor said. “Not much,” I said. I stretched out, putting my head on an .l’m telling the truth. lt’s the other Ralph uncovered pillow. Somebody rubbed grease on Pfau who does allthe drinking. my temples, and somebody else reached for the “Did you ever drink to excess, Father- attachments that hung from a box on the table. ever in your life?” They were fitted over my head, one on each No, Doctor. Not ever. side. It was somebody e/se who saf all They’re going to electrocute me. Oh, morning, waiting for 12 o’clock to come so he God, get me out of here. could have his first drink, somebody else who I tried to get up on one elbow, but I

headed for the West Coast with a case of whisky couldn’t move. One arm was pinioned by each in his bag, somebody else who blacked out from of the burly attendants. I tried to move my feet, drinking on the way. but they wouldn’t budge either. The male nurse I was detached from everything. I had was leaning on them. nothing to do with this man who was asking me Terrified, I looked up into the eyes of the questions. woman nurse. I tried to say something, but the words stuck in my throat. She was coming at me

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with something big and wide and white. lt moved Hopeless. I can’t win. What’s the use of closer and closer to my face; I tried to pull away trying. So I didn’t try. One week later, I blacked from it, but there was nowhere to go. out again-from drinking. “Open Your mouth!” The nurse sPoke For the first time in mY conscious sharply, as she poked the white apparition at thinking, it slowly began to dawn on me that me.'”Now bite!” I clamped by teeth together’ I maybe alcohol was my primary problem. I knew felt engulfed in a blinding white flash that tfrai I had other problems too, and I felt they seemed to consume me, inside and out, from were more important. However, I now began to head to foot. That was the last thing I knew’ think that perhaps I should try to get the alcohol problem straightened out first. I was sitting on a cot in a darkened room I forced myself to carry out my parish when I came to my senses. I shook my head for duties. I longed for a drink, yet did not dare to a few minutes, then looked around. The woman take one. nurse was standing beside me. lf I take a drink now, I might blackout “How do You feel, Father?” the nurse again. But I’ve got to have a drink- How long can asked. I keep this up? “l guess l’m all right. OnlY, don’t I I couldn’t sleep at all one night. Finally, I remember anYthing.” got up, went over to the window and stared out “lt will all come back,” she assured me’ it tfre sleeping city. I was standing there when GraduallY, in the next few daYs, the rectory phone rang. lt was two o’clock. practically everything came back into focus “My husband is dying, Father’ Can you except the shock treatment itself and the events come right over? My son will pick you up in a immediately leading up to it. I didn’t recall those few minutes.” details for months. I went back to my room, dressed, got the After about three weeks, when the shock Holy Oils and went out the front door. As I treatments were over, I was given permission to closed it behind me, a car pulled up. A young say Mass again. But it was many more weeks man pushed the door open. I got in, and we uniil my nerves quieted down to a point where I drove off. “What haPPened?” I asked’ could look on life objectively. I realize now that I “My dad-l’m afraid he dropped dead. The had had a narrow escape from what amounted to complete oblivion. This was my fourth doctor’s on the way.” nervous breakdown. As we got out of the car in front of his For the rest of the summer and early fall house, another automobile pulled up behind us’ I of 1943, lived a quiet, relaxed life at the The boy led me to the front door. lPlease go in, Father. l’ll hold the door sanitarium. And in October, I was released, with an order from the bishop to report to open for the doctor.” lndianapolis directly to the chancery office to see When I walked into the bedroom, a him. woman was weeping. Her husband, fully “How are you, Ralph?” the bishop asked, dressed, was stretched out flat on the floor’ I quietly. thought he was dead. “Fine.” “Excuse me, Father.” He sighed. “l wonder how long you’ll stay Behind me, the doctor already had his that way. Well, l’m going to give you one more bag open and was filling a needle from a bottle’ I chance. You can go to St. Joan of Arc parish moved aside to give him room’ He felt the man’s and live there a while.” “Frankly,” he added’ “l pulse, rolled up his sleeve, splashed on some think you’re hoPeless.” alcohol and shoved the needle into an arm’ It was not until years later that I realized For a minute nothing happened. Then, to that the bishop was trying to shock me into my amazernent, the man sat up and looked positive action. But at the time… ‘ around.

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“Just as I thought. Father,” the doctor “8. Made a list of all Persons we had said. He’s had too much liquor and barbitals. harmed and became willing to make amends to He’ll be all right. them all. “lthought he was dead.” “9. Made direct amends to such people “He will be if he doesn’t change his wherever possible, except when to do so would habits.” injure them or others. Without a word, the man got uP, went to ’10. Continued to take Personal the bed and began to undress. His wife, badly inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly shaken, thanked us both, and the doctor left. admitted it. My head was spinning. I wasn’t listening .11. Sought through Prayer and to the woman. ln spite of what had just I meditation to improve our conscious contact with witnessed, I wanted a drink. God as we understood Him, praying only for “-called you at this hour, Father. We knowledge of His will for us and the power to appreciate your kindness in coming.” carry that out. “12. Having had a spiritual awakening as I followed the woman. As I walked a result of those steps, we tried to carry this through the living room, a book on the mantel message to alcoholics and to practice these caught my eye. I picked it up and riffled the principles in all our affairs.” pages. It’s the kind of thing that can be applied “May I borrow this?” I asked. to anyone, no matter what his religion. I’ll bet it “CertainlY.” helps a lot of people-particularly those who may The name of the book was Alcoholics have lost their awareness of God. lt’s a good Anonymous. program, for alcoholism. I had never heard of Alcoholics But l’m not an alcoholic. l’m a priest. I Anonymous. I didn’t know there was such an haven’t lost my awareness of God. This program organization. The book, which expanded its is not for me. principles, its aims and the significance of its 12 But I couldn’t keep my hands off that steps to sobriety, intrigued me. I finished reading book. Day after day, I picked it up and read it. it before dawn. After three or four weeks, I knew it from cover to The following day, I read the book again, cover. And during that entire period, I didn’t take and, almost unconsciously, I memorized the 12 a drink. steps: One evening, several weeks after I

“1. We admitted we were powerless over began reading the book. I noticed some alcohol{hat our lives had become pamphlets on a side table in the vestibule of the unmanageable. rectory. On the top pamphlet were printed the “2. Came to believe that a Power greater I words “Alcoholics Anonymous.” asked the than ourselves could restore us to sanity. pastor who had left them. “3. Made a decision to turn our will and “Doherty Sheerin,” he said. “He’s a fine our lives over to the care of God as we man. I think he’s the president of A.A. here in understood Him. lndianapolis.” “4. Made a searching and fearless moral I read the pamphlets. They told stark, inventory of ourselves. simple stories of despair and hopelessness and “5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to terror and defeat, and suddenly I came to a another human being the exact nature of our decision. wrongs. “6. Were entirelY readY to have God I looked up DohertY Sheerin’s Phone remove all these defects of character. number and called him. He was at the rectory 15 ‘7 – Humbly asked Him to remove our minutes later. I liked him on sight. There were shortcomings. strength of character and leadership in his rather square face, and I felt almost a compulsion to

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put myself in his hands and let him steer me any For the next hour, a discussion of various way he wanted to. problems of the alcoholic moved back and forth This man will help me. between Dohr and the members. I noticed that, “What’s on your mind, Father?” before anyone spoke during the next meeting, “Well, I understand you’re president of he always said, “l’m an alcoholic,” and I

Alcoholics Anonymous here in town.” wondered if I would ever be able to do that-if, “l’m not president. We don’t have any that is, I really were an alcoholic. I was still far such thing as president. Alcoholics Anonymous from ready to admit that. is just a group of individuals all faced with the same problem. We only recently began the But I felt better than I had felt in several lndianapolis group, and I happened to be the weeks as we rode back to the rectory. Dohr first member of it.” asked me how I liked the meeting. “l see,” I said. “l wonder if you can help “Fine,” I said, with real enthusiasm me. I have some personal problems. Of course, “That’s good,” Dohr said. “Now, keep mine isn’t really an alcoholic problem. I never coming back. Some day, everything will fall into drank very much. l’m not an alcoholic.” focus.” His smile never left his face. But, later, as I lay in bed, the seeds of “l know what you mean, Father,” he said discouragement began to grow. gently. “All I can do is pass along a few ideas; This A.A. is great for laymen. lt gives then perhaps you can help yourself. We don’t them a new awareness of God, and that helps to teach anything in A.A. We don’t lecture anyone, keep them away from drinking. But have I or tell anybody whether he is or isn’t an always had a strong awareness of and faith in alcoholic. All we do is suggest. ‘Take another God, and that didn’t keep me from drinking. look at yourself and form your own conclusions.” They talked about honesty tonight-honesty with Why don’t you go to a meeting with me? themselves and honesty with other people. I “Nobody will ever know,” he continued. know all about honesty. Honesty is one of the “We don’t tell who attended meetings. We only virtues that any priest adheres to as a matter of tell about ourselves. We can get up and shout course. So there are two things-awareness of about ourselves from the rooftops for all the God and honesty-which are keystones of world to hear if we want to. But anonymity success in A.A., and I have both, but neither respects the other members’ names. So nobody stopped me from drinking. So what can A.A. do will know that you are attending the meetings for me? unless you tellthem.” Day after day, I went through the motions l’ll just look in as a spectator. These of carrying out my duties at the parish. I didn’t people will think l’m there in my capacity as a drink, but I was never free of the vague urge to priest to help them out. l’ll go to one meeting, do so. and if I don’t like it, I won’t go anymore. Doer called me every day. About all he “Our next meeting is Thursday night, ever said was, “How do you feel, Father?” and Father,” Dohr was saying. “l’ll pick you up at about all I ever replied was, “All right-l guess.” 7:15;’ But after a few days, I began to look foruvard to By Thursday, I had changed my mind a his calls, and our conversations lengthened. My dozen times about going to the A.A. meeting. jitters always died down a little after I had talked But promptly at 7:15, Dohr arrived, and I drove with him, but it was never long before they off with him. returned. It was a small meeting-only seven people As the weeks and months passed, I altogether. None of these men appeared to be in continued to go to Alcoholics Anonymous financial difficulties, nor did they look like drunks, meetings, largely because of Doer. He never or even ex-drunks. From all appearances, this asked me if I wanted to go. He simply took it as could have been a meeting of the board of a matter of course that I was going, and he directors of a library. always called for me.

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ln general, the other priests in the rectory ln August of 1945, I got a letter from the approved of my interest in A.A.. But they knew bishop, telling me that my friend, Father me and knew my Problem. Whenever I Ambrose Sullivan, who had been appointed mentioned A.A. to priests outside the parish, I pastor of Holy Cross parish in lndianapolis, had almost invariably ran into opposition. asked for me as his assistant. This was first direct contact with the “No priests should join that sort of an bishop since I had returned from the sanitarium organization,” a priest said to me one day. “You at Oshkosh a year and a half earlier. I had should be able to get what you need from your studiously avoided the chancery, for I didn’t Church.” know how the bishop would feel about my being He expressed the thoughts of the in A.A. The letter encouraged me. Obviously, the majority. I wondered if he was right. I could bishop must have heard about it and didn’t derive the strength to stop drinking from my object, or he would have said something. I was Church. I asked Doer about it later. delighted to join Father Sullivan. “You can, But you won’t,” he said. “lt At just about that time, I had begun to would be wonderful if you could find the strength make Twelfth Step calls. These are visits to to stop drinking from the Church. But the people who, faced with the alcoholic problem, average alcoholic personality just won’t. I didn’t- called Alcoholics Anonymous for help. As far as and l’ve always been devoted to my Church. I knew, the only purpose in making Twelfth Step You’ve not only been devoted to your Church; calls was to help somebody else try to stay you’ve given your life to it. But you still didn’t get sober. I made half a dozen calls in about three from it alone a solution for your drinking months, but I might as well have stayed homes. problem.” I couldn’t get anyone to staY sober. “But I must have the Church.” When I pointed out my lack of success to “Of course, you must have the Church. Dohr, he said, “You’ve stayed sober yourself, Any good Catholic must have the Church. A.A. haven’t you? lnsurance against a slipthat’s without the Church would be less effective for us really the primary reason for Twelfth Step calls. than the Church without A.A. But, in order to When I make one, I say, ‘Now, look, fella, I don’t stop drinking, people like you and I must have care if you die drunk. l’m not interested in that. both.\Ne need something to help us remove the But I do care if / die drunk, and that’s the reason naturalobstacles to grace, something to keep us l’m here. Now if you want what l’ve got, l’ll take convinced we can’t drink{hat we’re still all the time in the world to give it to you. Just alcoholics.” give me a callwhen you’re readY.” Gradually, I became convinced. lt took Dohr Sheerin must have sPonsored almost a year for the program to take shape. I several hundred alcoholics during the years I began to see how a key principle of A.A. applied knew him in lndianapolis, and most of them to me, reluctant as I was to admit it. made the grade. To the alcoholic, the first thing in his life “But, Dohr,” I said, “as a priest, l’ve got is that he cannot drink. This is basic. lt may not something to offer that the others haven’t. Only, be his most important problem. Certainly, my when I go out on calls, people won’t accept me neurotic tendencies, which first manifested as anything but a priest, no matter what I tell themselves at St. Meinrad’s Seminary, before I them. As far as they’re concerned, l’m had ever taken a drink, were more important. lf moralizing.” an alcoholic has a deadly disease, the disease “That’s right, Father,” he said. “You can is more important. do a lot more good in other ways than any of us. But, regardless of his other problems, the The only question is how to go about it.” frrsf thing an alcoholic must do is stop drinking. The answer was so obvious that I felt Once he has done that, he can tackle the other foolish because I hadn’t thought of it sooner. ln problems. But if he doesn’t do it, the other the seminary and as priests, we annually made problems not only will remain unsolved, but will a retreat. A retreat is a period of discussion and become intensified. meditation that normally lasts from a day to a

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week end. ln a Catholic retreat, there is a retreat I had learned that there are sharply master who gives talks on the dogma and defined differences between an alcoholic and a practices of Catholicism. There is also a regular drunk. I knew that alcoholism had the element of period for questions and open discussion. compulsion and drunkenness did not. The People in all walks of life attend retreats and quantity of liquor consumed and resulting gain great peace and solace from them. intoxication might be exactly the same, but the motive id different. The alcoholic drinks because “How about having a retreat for he has to. The drunkard drinks because he alcoholics?” I suggested. “After all, the whole wants to. Once the alcoholic starts drinking, he idea of a retreat is just to pause and think things can’t stop. The drunkard can stop whenever he over in company with other people having the feels like it. When the alcoholic drinks, all he can same idea in mind. We could make it exclusively think about is where he will get his next drink. on A.A. We wouldn’t go into the question of When the drunkard drinks, he wants only to get religion at all. And we wouldn’t confine it to high and enjoy himself. The alcoholic can’t get Catholics.” liquor out of his mind. The drunkard can forget Dohr was enthusiastic about the idea, about it at will, if, indeed, he ever gives it much and so was the bishop when I wrote for his thought to begin with. permission. Since I had once served as chaplain for the Little Sisters of the Poor, I asked them for When the alcoholic wakes up in the use of their facilities. They told me they’d be morning, he’s got the jitters and an delighted. The retreat was a success in all uncontrollable craving for a drink to relieve them. aspects. We had 67 men there, only about 20 of When the drunkard wakes up in the morning, he whom were Catholics. The talks were all strictly feels terrible, but the only craving he has is for about A.A. and were well received by something to get his mind off his hang-over. The Protestants and Catholics. last thing he wants is a drink. lf the alcoholic The one-day retreat was so helpful that doesn’t have his drink, he can’t work or do the members urged me to arrange a longer one. anything else. The drunkard might take Our first full week-end retreat was held at St. something to settle his stomach, but he can Joseph”. College near Rensselaer, lnd. There always manage to drag himself off to work. He were about 90 people there, about 89 per cent won’t have a happy day, but he won’t have a of whom were non Catholics. craving for liquor, either. To this day, we have a men’s retreat at Of course, a drunkard can develop into St. Joseph’s every year. We have retreats for an alcoholic. Most alcoholics started out as women as well as for men, they are held social drinkers. But who knows where the separately in various places throughout the responsibility for his becoming an alcoholic lies? country. Our average attendance, which varies I had been taught that it’s his own responsibility. in different parts of the country, still runs about It is the normal reaction of any clergyman to 65 to 70 per cent non-Catholics. accept this theory. By late 1945,l’had not had a drink in two This was why l, as a priest, found it so years. When I arose every morning, I asked hard to accept any other theory. As far as I could divine help in remaining sober for the next 24 see, I became an alcoholic because I drank too hours (as I do today), and every day I remain much; it was not that I drank too much because I sober. My nerves were behaving, and my jitters was an alcoholic. lt was as simple as that. And, were gone. I was in good physical condition and no matter how often Dohr tried to tell me enjoying more peace of mind and satisfaction in othenryise, I refused to believe him. my work than I had ever known. I told alcoholics every day that they were I had full confidence in the A.A. program, sick, but I didn’t, I couldn’t, believe that this was but there was one fact I still couldn’t accept true. completely. That was the theory that alcoholism Not untilthe day I nearly slipped myself. a I is disease. suspected was moral it a When saying Mass, a priest uses wine in weakness that had caused me to drink. the chalice. This, in our belief becomes the

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Blood of Christ at the moment of Consecration. “Hello?” Although the substance of the wine is changed, “Dohr, Iwantadrink.” the action of alcohol can have the same effect “Well, Father,” he drawled, “l’m glad you on the human system after the Consecration as called. What happened?” before. I told him. I guess I wasn’t very coherent, I learned early after I joined A.A. that, as but he didn’t interrupt me. Then, I said, “Dohr, a priest-alcoholic, I must take a minimum of wine I’m frightened. l’ve got to have a drink. I can’t at Mass. The minimum for validity is about two understand how this happened. lt’s never teaspoonfuls. Medically, an alcoholic would be happened before. l’ve been dry two years, and disturbed if he took enough alcohol to penetrate now I feel as though l’d never been dry. A little his blood stream or brain cells. Two wine at the Mass-that’s all it took.” teaspoonfuls of ordinary Mass wine would not “A little wine has set off a lot of benders, bother the worst alcoholic. While, contrary to Father,” Dohr said. He was still drawling, talking public opinion, it rs a fermented drink, it usually in a slow casual manner. “You know,” he went has a very low alcohol content, because the on, “You were very wise in calling me. I know Church does not permit Mass wine to be just how you feel. You’ve had reaction a fortified. because the wine was too heavy. But you know Commercial wine, on the other hand, is you’re really all right, and you know you’ll get well fortified with grape alcohol. lt is usually over this craving. You’ve been in A.A. a couple heavier than Mass wine, and can cause a of years now. You know the questions, and you definite reaction if taken by an alcoholic. A few know the answers. And you know you can’t take of the heavier{ype Mass wines approach this another drink, because if you do, there’ll be no commercial content. stopping. You’ll get the jitters and you’ll fall I had always been careful about the apart, and you’ll have to get dried out all over amount of wine at Mass, and I never had a again. And you know what that means.” reaction from it after I joined A.A. But one “Dohr, l’ve got to hang up now. l’m going morning, at Holy Cross, I knew the moment I to get a drink.” consumed the Holy Species that this was not “Wait a minute, Father.” Dohr’s voice average Mass wine. I felt a sudden urge to keep was softly, gently persuasive. “Before you hang on drinking, a compulsive craving that blocked up, I want to tell you something. l’ve got a out all reason. couple of tickets to the Notre Dame game at South Bend Saturday. I want you to come and When Mass was over, I hurried to the see it with me. They’ve got a great team this kitchen. year, Father-” “Was there anything different about the “l want a drink.” Mass wine we used this morning?” I asked the “Do you remember the shock treatments, housekeeper. Father? Do you remember all the sanitariums? “Yes, Father,” she said. “A salesman left Do you remember Snake Run? Do you this sample bottle, and I used it in the cruet.” remember what you were like two years ago, I looked at the label. The wine, although before you came into A.A.? Do you realize how Mass wine, had an alcoholic content of 22 per far you’ve come in those two years? Do you cent. realize how far you’re going? You don’t really I wanted a drink.l shuddered as I left the want a drink, Father-” kitchen. I wanted a drink. “Yes, I do-l do, Dohr. I must have a I was scared-as scared as I had ever drink-now.” been in my life. This was not just a casual “NO, you don’t, not really, Father. You’re desire. This was a terrible, compulsive craving too experienced in A.A. to want a drink. You’ve that ovenrvhelmed me. seen too many people sweating out a living lf I don’t have a drink, l’ll go crazY. I death while they wait for the alcohol to leave forced myself to the telephone. With shaking their systems. You’ve been through that yourself hands, I picked it up and called Dohr Sheerin. a dozen times. You know what it’s like. You

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don’t ever intend to go through it again. Your too I swallowed. This was the moment I intelligent for that, Father. Do you remember dreaded. Then, in a voice I hoped was steady, I how you used to insist to me that, even though said, “Yes, I’m an alcoholic.” you told others that alcoholism was a disease, “Well,” the man said, “tell us about it.” you really thought it was a moral fault that could So, for the first time, I told the story of my be controlled? Now what do you think, Father?” alcoholic life in an open meeting. I told of my first “Keep taking,” I said. My throat was dry nervous breakdown, my first drink, my and my voice cracked and little rivulets of sweat subsequent breakdowns, the fluctuations of my were gushing out of every pore in my body. alcoholic appetite, my experiences in various Dohr kept talking. HE jumped from one hospitals and sanitariums, my frequent troubles subject to another, stalling me off from leaving with the bishop-everything, in fact, that I could the phone. And I listened. Then he said, “Father, think of. I talked for about half an hour. it’s been 10 minutes since you’ve said you After I sat down, I felt a deep relief, a wanted a drink.” relief from all the doubts that had assailed me “Keep talking, Dohr.” ever since I first joined A.A., as though, with the So he talked for 10 minutes more. first full admission before other alcoholics, I had “Now it’s 20 minutes, Father. Do you removed the last of the blocks that seemed to want to talk?” separate me from them. There was nothing “Twenty minutes-yes-yes, Dohr, I want to more for me to hide, either from them or from talk.” I could feel the saliva in my mouth and myself. Now, at last, I was one of them. throat, and I wasn’t perspiring so much. “What about the next retreat, Father? ls The next time I was asked to speak at a everything all arranged?” meeting, I stood squarely on my feet, looked Now / talked for 10 or 15 minutes. Dohr around at the expectant faces in front of me and asked me all sorts of questions, and I answered said firmly, “My name is Father Pfau. I am a them. member of the lndianapolis group of Alcoholics Then, I said, “l’m all right now, Dohr.” Anonymous, and I am an alcoholic. “You don’t want a drink anymore?” I have been telling my story to alcoholics “No, Dohr, I don’t want a drink.” all over America ever since. I will venture to say “All right, Father. Call me if you need I have delivered it 500 times. me.” ln 1947, the new archbishop of We both hung up. I looked at my watch. lndianapolis sent for me. “l have heard about We had been talking nearly two solid hours. And you work,” he said. “How would you like to be now I knew that alcoholism was not exclusively relieved of your pastoral duties so that you can a moral problem. Now I knew it was a disease. If devote full time to Alcoholics Anonymous? Of I could stick to this conviction without ever course,” he continued, “the big factor here is the rationalizing the “need” for the first drink. I knew financing of your own living.” my alcoholic troubles would be over. “That might be a problem, because A.A. ln 1946, I was asked to give the talk at is not really an organization,” I said. “lt specifies an A.A. meeting in Cincinnati, by a man who had that it has no dues or fees. lt is not allied with attended one of our retreats. There were more any sect, faith or denomination. lt has no interest than a hundred people present, filling the little in politics, and it neither opposes nor endorses meeting hall to the doors. I gave a talk on the any causes. The only requirement for spiritual side of Alcoholics Anonymous. There membership is an honest desire to stop drinking. was nothing personal in my talk. When it was Our primary purpose is to stay sober and to help over, the chairman opened the floor for other alcoholics achieve and maintain sobriety. If questions. I were to give full time to A.A., I would have to A little fellow in the back of the room got do so as an alcoholic, as just another member of up and said, “Father, that was a fine talk. But, A.A.’ Father, what do you know about this problem? “But, as a priest, you would have the Are you an alcoholic?” respect of others,” the archbishop said. “And I

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feel that your retreat work is important enough to haven’t had a drink in nearly four years. I know people of all faiths throughout the country to I’m O.K. now l’ll have just one, and I won’t tell a warrant your giving full time to it. When you have soul about it, not even Dohr. thought it over, let me know.” I took a cold shower, and all the while, I thought of the drink I would soon have. Dohr was delighted when I told him One drink-one drink-one drink. about it. “Don’t worry, Father,” he said. “We’ll I opened my bag for clean linen, and the find a way to finance you.” first thing I saw was the A.A. directory. There The next day, Dohr and I went to see A. was a Wichita Falls group listed. I called the Keifer Mayer, a close friend of Dohr’s. He was number and a man answered. then vice-president (he is now president) of the “l’m a stranger in town,” I explained. “Do Kiefer-Stewart Drug Company, a large you have A.A. meetings here?” wholesale house in Indianapolis. Mr. Mayer is “Yes, indeed,” the voice said. “We’re neither a Catholic nor an alcoholic. But he was a having one tonight, and you are welcome.” friend of both the archbishop and his l’ll go over and meet a new group of predecessor and had always had great people. l’ll see how A.A. works here, and if they admiration for what Alcoholics Anonymous had want too know, l’ll tell them how A.A. works in done for Doherty Sheerin. Dohr explained the lndianapolis. situation. I forgot all about the drink. lt was my last “You came to the right person,” Mr. near slip. From that day to this, I never again Mayer said. “This is the finest idea l’ve heard for had a desire for a drink. a long time. l’m all for it.” He reached for his A speaking tour in 1948-49 took me to checkbook and wrote a check to cover my California, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, expenses for the first year. Louisiana, North and South Carolina, Florida, The archbishop released me from my Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi and Tennessee. I parish duties on Christmas Day, 1947, and I dovetailed the talks so that no one group would started mapping out plans for retreats beginning have to bear a heavy burden of expense. The in June. Dohr urged me to take a vacation are no fees in A.A., and I have never accepted before they started. The more I thought about any. Each group has always been free to give the idea, the better I liked it. whatever it could afford toward my over-all ln April, I decided to go to Los Angeles. expenses. No minimum is ever set. I accepted The night before I left, Dohr gave me a copy of support from Mr. Mayer for two years. After that, the A.A. directory, a book that lists groups in I usually managed to balance out, although I various parts of the country. I packed it in my have returned to lndianapolis in the red several bag times. It was a beautiful spring day when I left lndianapolis, but by the time I got to Texarkana, My travels have brought me many on the second day, the weather was hot and friends. They have also brought me many sticky. lt was even hotter driving on to Fort adventures: some of them amusing, some sad Worth. Texas was in the throes of a dust storm. and many deeply satisfying. Driving was uncomfortable, and to make it One night in Los Angeles, I called the worse, I discovered that, miles back, I had taken A.A. number that was listed in the directory. The the wrong road. man who answered invited me over to the I drove on to a place called Wichita Falls, clubhouse. I did not identify myself as a priest. Texas, and checked into a hotel. The room was When I arrived, he was ice cold. flecked with dust, and the bellboy advised me to “l’m an Orangeman,” he said. The keep the window closed. Orangemen, who come from the North of What a day! What a miserable day! Here I reland, oppose Catholics.

I am more than a thousand miles from home. I’m “That’s all right,” I said. “You are a tired, dusty, uncomfortable, hungry-and thirsty. I member of A.A., too, aren’t you? Well, so am 1.” “need” a drink. l’ll have a cocktail before dinner. I “You mean you’re an alcoholic?”

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“l’m an alcoholic.” beehive of activity. Typing, printing, filing and That night, at the meeting, he stood up answering telephones are now part of the daily and said, “lf my folks in lreland knew what I am routine for three of the Magdalen nuns. They do about to do, they’d blacklist me forever. But that their work in a large office and a printing room. doesn’t bother me. I think maybe this is one of My one room living quarters serve as my the wonderful things about A.A. Denominations private office by day and my bedroom by night. mean nothing as far as the program is Two private telephone lines lead into this room, concerned. We aren’t Catholics or Protestants or and both can also be switched to the Sister Jews – we’re alljust alcoholics. So, it is with real Magdalen’s office. Calls come from all parts of pleasure that this Orangeman introduces a the world-and at any hour of the day or night- Catholic priest, to give us a talk.” from alcoholics, people interested in alcoholics, While my work consumed most of my and friends. Some of the callers are sober, some energy, it did not resolve an old problem. For are sobering up and some are not sober. A few years, I had had deep-seated doubts about the years back. A lady not quite sober called me validity of my ordination into the priesthood. I from Paris. She just wanted to talk-at $12 for had never consulted anyone. I was afraid to three minutes. lt took her three-quarters of an seek an expert opinion, for fear that my hour to tell me what was on her mind. priesthood might really be invalid. One day, I When I am away from lndianapolis, a mentioned the matter to Dohr. nun. My secretary, answers the phone. She is “l’ve always doubted it,” I told him. “l’m acquiring a postgraduate education and is not sure I wanted to become a priest in the first adding many words to her vocabulary, some place. And I was under tremendous pressure good, some not so good. At night, she turns the when I received the diaconate. I don’t think phone on automatic answering. anyone can validly receive major orders when Each day brings an average of 50 pieces he is under pressure.” of mail. Each year, the demands on my time at A canonist is a priest well-versed in the office have grown to such an extent that I cannon law-a sort of ecclesiastical lawyer. When have been forced to gradually cut down on the Dohr and I went to see Father Donovan, I told number of speaking engagements. There are him the whole story of my doubts and fears at hundreds of invitations from groups I do not the time of my diaconate. have the time to visit. I plan to continue my “l’m really concerned about two things,” I retreats as long as I am physically able to do so. told Father Donovan, “whether these pressures However, I also want to give more and more caused invalidity of my diaconate, and-if this is time to my writing and to my own people in and so-whether my priesthood is invalid too.” around lndianapolis. ‘Did you have pressure and anxiety ln 1953, Doherty Sheerin died. I think before your ordination to the priesthood, or only about him often, and have said Mass for him before the diaconate?” Father Donovan asked. many times. I seldom give a talk that I do not “Only before the diaconate.” mention my debt to him. “You have nothing to worry about, I have traveled nearly 750,000 miles in Father,” he said, smiling. “Even if the diaconate 10 years of working with alcoholics. have I was not valid, the ordination to the priesthood spoken before nearly 200,000 members of was. This is the law of the Church. You are Alcoholics Anonymous at retreats, meetings and perfectly all right.” conventions, and personally discussed their I may never be sure whether I wanted to problems with more than 10,000 alcoholics. be a priest, but now I can be sure God wanted Many ask me if A.A. is the only avenue of me to be a priest. recovery open to alcoholics. This is what my experience has taught I took up residence at the Good me: The approach of the Twelve Steps, used in Shepherd Convent in lndianapolis in 1950. Little an appropriate group, constitutes the best did the good sisters there dream what the next means available today to give sobriety to the few years would bring. Today, the convent is a alcoholic. However, I feel that the present

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structural setup of Alcoholics anonymous is very road to alcoholism. On the other hand, if a imperfect. lt tends far too much to organization, person got drunk three times a week ten, five or and this, in dealing with spiritual entities, could three years ago, and he still gets drunk three prove disastrous. To me, the greatest security times a week, the chances are he’s not, and for A.A. is in the preservation of its autonomy never will be, an alcoholic. down to each member. Authority in A.A. would lf you are an alcoholic, you cannot be fatal. discipline yourself into moderate drinking. This is Many people have asked me how theY why we in A.A. avoid the first drink. When we can tell if they will develop into alcoholics. That’s succeed in doing that, we stay dry. not an easy question to answer because so Why did I ever drink? I don’t really know. many factors are involved. The person who I don’t believe any alcoholic knows. drinks for pleasure today may be drinking Will I ever take another drink? Again, I tomorrow because he must. The person who don’t really know. Only God knows the future. I wakes up with a hang-over and wants no part of don” think I will ever drink again, and, at present, alcohol this year may wake up with a craving for I have no desire for a drink. liquor a year or two from now. But, by the same There is a saying among some token, the person who drinks for pleasure now Alcoholics Anonymous groups that “A.A. brings may be drinking for pleasure for the rest of his about an expulsion of a compulsion by a Higher life. He may wake up with a hang-over every Power-by Almighty God.” morning, but never become an alcoholic, I am sure of only one thing-all that I am, because he can stop drinking whenever he feels and all that I have achieved, is from God. I had like it and can also moderate his drinking when nothing to do with it. God did it all. So, too, my he chooses to. future is entirely in His Hands; mine is only the footwork. My experience, dealing with alcoholics THE END both in passing and under intimate circumstances, is that the only static factor is the 1958 BY FATHER RALPH PFAU AND AL HIRSHBERG. element of increase. lf a person who has been CONDENSED FROM THE FORTHCOMING BOOK, ..PRODIGAL SHEPHERD” TO BE PUBLISHED BY J.B. drinking at least three years (a shorter period LIPPINCOTT CO. cannot give a conclusive result) finds finds that he is drinking increasingly more alcohol increasingly more often, he is probably on the

Source: Look,March 18, 1958

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