Transcript

[00:00.1 – 00:10.3] And one thing that I think we may have that is a contributing to people remaining dry outside AA, and I hope that it encourages them to stay [00:10.3 – 00:11.3] dry. [00:11.3 – 00:21.3] One advantage that AA guys have that other therapies don't have, and it's why it is that so many today are relying on AA [00:21.3 – 00:30.3] and depending upon the cooperation of AA to help their own subjects get and stay sober. [00:30.3 – 00:36.3] I think that the meeting here tonight is an expression of what is truly unique in AA. [00:36.3 – 00:41.7] You know, essentially, the alcoholic is a lonely man. [00:41.7 – 00:46.4] And as he drinks, his loneliness grows greater. [00:46.4 – 00:53.8] The time comes that he believes that no one can care for him, no one wants him, no one needs him. [00:53.8 – 01:03.9] And the terrific thing about AA, in addition to all the other wonderful things that are here, including the twelve steps, [01:03.9 – 01:10.6] is this: that in AA you feel that somebody cares, that somebody wants you. [01:10.6 – 01:20.7] And instead of putting up with you despite the fact that you're an alcoholic, you're welcomed and wanted and accepted as a friend and [01:20.7 – 01:24.3] brother because you are an alcoholic. [01:24.3 – 01:28.8] And that certainly is a very tremendous thing. [01:28.8 – 01:39.1] And the fact that you people have traveled so far tonight to help the Flatbush group celebrate its fourth anniversary is an indication [01:39.1 – 01:39.9] of what I mean. [01:39.9 – 01:50.1] You know it as well as I do that the fellowship of AA is a wonderfully warming thing [01:50.1 – 01:53.3] in the lives of all alcoholics who have joined the group. [01:53.3 – 01:58.7] And as the years go by, the AA friendship becomes as strong as it is great. [01:58.7 – 02:09.0] And the alcoholic realizes that in his AA brothers he has men who understand him better than anyone else, and because [02:09.0 – 02:15.3] they understand, will remain true and loyal no matter what happens to him. [02:15.3 – 02:20.4] Now, I'd like to tell a story if you don't mind. [02:20.4 – 02:30.4] You know, when the program started, they had a lot of discussion about the [02:30.4 – 02:32.0] spiritual side of the program. [02:32.0 – 02:33.3] They almost left it out. [02:33.3 – 02:42.6] And back in the '30s, it was very popular in this country to be an agnostic or an atheist or to be irreligious. [02:42.6 – 02:47.5] And of course, today the tide has changed, and religion is quite a popular thing. [02:47.5 – 02:54.8] So I'd like to tell this little story, which really isn't an alcoholic story, but somewhat illustrates the change that has taken place. [02:54.8 – 02:59.5] Now, I heard this only last week and from a pretty reliable commentator. [02:59.5 – 03:02.7] He said that a certain congressman got up and made a speech. [03:02.7 – 03:05.1] Oh, it was a real slacker. [03:05.1 – 03:12.8] And when he sat down, he turned to the congressman next to him and said, "How did I do?" And the other congressman said, "Why, you faker. [03:12.8 – 03:17.3] I don't know what's gotten into you, but lately all you do is talk religion. [03:17.3 – 03:19.8] You can't make a speech without talking about God. [03:19.8 – 03:26.1] And I'll bet you can't even say the Lord's Prayer." He wasn't an AA or he'd have known better. [03:26.1 – 03:33.4] So the congressman said, "You don't know what you're talking about. [03:33.4 – 03:43.7] Here's twenty dollars that says I can say the Lord's Prayer." So he put down his twenty, and the other fellow got out his twenty and put it on top and said, "All right, now let me hear you say it." So he began, [03:43.7 – 03:54.3] "Now I rainy down to you." And with some difficulty, but with courage, he got through to the very last line, "I [03:54.3 – 04:00.9] pray the Lord my soul to take." And the other congressman stared at him in amazement and said, "Here's your money. [04:00.9 – 04:17.6] I can see you knew it." Now, [04:17.6 – 04:27.6] AA has not only helped thousands upon thousands of people become dry and remain dry, but it [04:27.6 – 04:30.4] also has some wonderful byproducts. [04:30.4 – 04:33.4] And I think it's important to keep these in mind. [04:33.4 – 04:39.0] The first thing that AA did is it made alcoholism respectable. [04:39.0 – 04:42.1] That took quite a bit of doing. [04:42.1 – 04:52.2] But after twenty years of AA and the proof given by AA that alcoholics are sick people who can [04:52.2 – 04:58.6] be helped, the American public pretty well recognizes today that alcoholism is a disease. [04:58.6 – 05:03.2] And that, of course, is a tremendous progress. [05:03.2 – 05:09.9] I think it demonstrates pretty well by that cartoon you may have seen in the Saturday Evening Post only a few weeks ago. [05:09.9 – 05:20.6] The wife is saying to her doctor, "I never suspected my husband was an alcoholic until one night he came home sober." Most [05:20.6 – 05:26.6] people today do know what alcoholism is, and more and more are learning. [05:26.6 – 05:36.9] As a result of this, of course, we have an attempt upon the part of the medical profession, those engaged [05:36.9 – 05:46.9] in community welfare, to do something about alcoholism, to help AA as AA must be helped in certain aspects [05:46.9 – 05:47.6] of its work. [05:47.6 – 05:54.6] Those of you who are old-timers in the movement know that twenty years ago it was a very difficult thing to get into a hospital. [05:54.6 – 06:00.0] It still is in some places, fortunately not here in Flatbush anymore. [06:00.0 – 06:10.0] You know, too, how few doctors were prepared to handle alcoholics, cared to handle alcoholics, or, or really were giving much thought [06:10.0 – 06:10.6] to the problem. [06:10.6 – 06:11.9] And A.A. [06:11.9 – 06:21.9] must be given the credit for stirring up medical professions and hospitals to attempt to bring real scientific [06:21.9 – 06:27.2] help to the alcoholic in the acute stages who needs hospitalization or institutional care. [06:27.2 – 06:29.1] Another thing that A.A. [06:29.1 – 06:39.8] succeeded in doing was getting people who were really interested in community welfare to pool the resources of the community [06:39.8 – 06:51.1] in order to coordinate the various functions, agencies of the community to help the alcoholic and his family in being rehabilitated. [06:51.1 – 07:01.1] And we're very fortunate tonight to have with us as our speakers two alcoholics who have found their own [07:01.1 – 07:11.1] surprise, and then following their own profession, are now working for alcoholics and among alcoholics on the community level. [07:11.1 – 07:15.4] Our first speaker tonight is a nurse. [07:15.4 – 07:25.7] A nurse who I am told after graduating, uh, she– what not all nurses are able to do, uh, she went directly from [07:25.7 – 07:35.0] graduation into matrimony and saved herself in the beginning, uh, the hard hospital work, which is the fate of so many nurses. [07:35.0 – 07:45.2] It wasn't until after she had had an alcoholic breakdown and been through many misfortunes herself, of which she will tell you about, that she [07:45.2 – 07:48.3] began to practice her profession. [07:48.3 – 07:52.4] And the place she chose was Knickerbocker Hospital in New York. [07:52.4 – 08:00.3] Now, of course, it was an ideal place for an alcoholic to go, for one who wanted to stay sober, stay sober, stay. [08:00.3 – 08:05.3] I have a witness. [08:05.3 – 08:09.4] That second couple o'clock. [08:09.4 – 08:19.2] The one who wanted to stay sober, but one also who wanted to repay her debt by helping others. [08:19.2 – 08:26.3] And the number that she helped is indicated by the bracelet which she just showed me a few minutes ago. [08:26.3 – 08:36.3] It was to memorialize the ten thousand alcoholic patients whom she cared for in the famous [08:36.3 – 08:38.3] Duffy Unit of Knickerbocker Hospital. [08:38.3 – 08:44.4] There's a very little gentleman held it regarding that care which she may tell you about. [08:44.4 – 08:54.4] But I might say this, that while other nurses are symbolized by the lamp of Florence Nightingale, our speaker tonight carries a large needle, [08:54.4 – 08:58.9] which, uh, carries, uh, vitamin B1. [08:58.9 – 09:09.5] I'm quite sure that although she looks like an angel of mercy, she's a sufficiently large angel that no one ever refused her medicine care. [09:09.5 – 09:19.6] Now, Terry, Terry left Knickerbocker not long ago to go to Patterson, New [09:19.6 – 09:22.2] Jersey, where she is on the staff of the Mount Carmel Hospital. [09:22.2 – 09:29.7] I hope she'll tell us something about that because it's a very wonderful work that's being carried on there on the Catholic auspices. [09:29.7 – 09:40.0] And, uh, she is on the staff of the alcoholic ward, but also part of a very wonderful organization that's doing a tremendous job for homeless [09:40.0 – 09:44.0] men hoping to rehabilitate, whether they be alcoholics or not. [09:44.0 – 09:53.2] Now, Terry is an example of, to my mind, what I referred to at the beginning about the thing that's unique in A.A. [09:53.2 – 09:56.3] is a wonderful spirit of happiness. [09:56.3 – 10:07.6] A very good friend of mine some years ago was brought to Knickerbocker Hospital in a stage of complete despair. [10:07.6 – 10:16.1] And he told me, as he perhaps has told some of you who were there to see, when he arrived at Knickerbocker, he was greeted by Terry. [10:16.1 – 10:26.2] And she said to him, "Why, we need people like you here." He said that was the best news that he ever heard because for a long time, no one had [10:26.2 – 10:26.8] needed him. [10:26.8 – 10:33.5] So without any further ado, I present to you Terry R., our first speaker here. [10:33.5 – 10:43.8] Thank [10:43.8 – 10:44.9] you very much. [10:44.9 – 10:46.9] Thank you, Father Tom. [10:46.9 – 10:53.2] My name is Terry R., and I am an alcoholic. [10:53.2 – 10:56.9] This embarrasses me. [10:56.9 – 11:00.5] I just can only be going like this, and it scares the devil out of me. [11:00.5 – 11:05.7] And I'd like to be like Father Tom, get down there and forget it. [11:05.7 – 11:07.0] I've got a needle in my hand. [11:07.0 – 11:07.8] I feel better. [11:07.8 – 11:17.5] However, I can say that finding out I was an alcoholic was one of the greatest things that ever happened to me. [11:17.5 – 11:27.9] I am glad to know after all the years that I tried to find out what was wrong with me, [11:27.9 – 11:29.8] what the answer was. [11:29.8 – 11:38.8] I drank like most people, and during prohibition, I drank socially for many years. [11:38.8 – 11:41.9] My husband was a very successful businessman. [11:41.9 – 11:48.2] Proud people we traveled with, enjoyed drinking, enjoyed doing things. [11:48.2 – 11:50.8] On our weekends, we're drinking. [11:50.8 – 11:52.9] Our evenings, we drank. [11:52.9 – 11:59.5] And for many years, I could do this, and I didn't have any problem at all with drinking. [11:59.5 – 12:09.5] But slowly- I began to drink just a little more, just a little faster, [12:09.5 – 12:14.5] and began to feel just a little more miserable in the morning. [12:14.5 – 12:21.0] Now, as this continued, this drinking, I never thought that there was anything. [12:21.0 – 12:25.2] I always felt that I drank too much, and I'd have to watch it the next night. [12:25.2 – 12:32.0] Well, it went on, I think, for about four years prior to my coming to AA. [12:32.0 – 12:34.7] My drinking really got bad. [12:34.7 – 12:39.9] Then it started these arguments that started at home. [12:39.9 – 12:42.7] "You're drinking too much. [12:42.7 – 12:47.5] Why don't you just have two and stop? [12:47.5 – 12:53.4] Why don't you drink like a lady?" This went on. [12:53.4 – 12:56.2] I knew that my husband was right. [12:56.2 – 12:58.2] I knew that my friends were talking. [12:58.2 – 13:01.0] People would be coming to the house for dinner. [13:01.0 – 13:05.3] I would have had a hangover from the night before. [13:05.3 – 13:16.0] I'd go on the wagon every day until five o'clock, and at five o'clock I felt free to have a drink to help me get through dinner [13:16.0 – 13:18.5] and to face whatever the evening would bring. [13:18.5 – 13:28.7] I would start at five o'clock, mixing scotch, and by the time my husband would get in, I would be [13:28.7 – 13:29.2] loaded. [13:29.2 – 13:32.8] And he'd say, "How many drinks did you have?" "Two beers. [13:32.8 – 13:35.0] I never had more than two. [13:35.0 – 13:42.4] I'd be blind." But I didn't realize it didn't take quite just as much liquor as it used to to get me high. [13:42.4 – 13:43.9] Something had happened to me. [13:43.9 – 13:54.5] And when he started to criticize me about my drinking, that was the time I became extremely aggressive and [13:54.5 – 13:55.2] abusive. [13:55.2 – 14:00.5] And I didn't know until afterwards why this was. [14:00.5 – 14:02.8] I didn't know that I was worried. [14:02.8 – 14:06.5] I didn't know that, that what was happening to me. [14:06.5 – 14:08.1] I didn't want it to happen. [14:08.1 – 14:11.1] I knew he was right in everything he said. [14:11.1 – 14:18.3] But because he was right and because I was guilty, I became abusive. [14:18.3 – 14:19.7] "I don't need you. [14:19.7 – 14:22.3] I can get along by myself. [14:22.3 – 14:29.0] I'll get a divorce." All loud mouth talk and not a bit of it was meant. [14:29.0 – 14:39.2] Finally, he couldn't take anymore, and I had to go to Reno because he said, "You're not dragging [14:39.2 – 14:43.7] me in the gutter." Now, I didn't want that divorce. [14:43.7 – 14:46.7] I loved my husband. [14:46.7 – 14:49.0] I didn't want it. [14:49.0 – 14:50.7] I didn't know what to do. [14:50.7 – 14:52.5] I didn't know where to go. [14:52.5 – 14:54.7] I knew he was right. [14:54.7 – 14:56.3] I knew I was wrong. [14:56.3 – 14:59.9] I didn't know why I got drunk when I had just one or two. [14:59.9 – 15:03.8] I would go out to dinner, and everybody else would be having fun. [15:03.8 – 15:05.8] Why couldn't I have a drink? [15:05.8 – 15:10.9] I'd order a sherry maybe after I had been on the wagon for two or three weeks. [15:10.9 – 15:21.1] I'd come around, I'd order a sherry, and he'd look at me and say, "Here we go again." So when the waiter would come the next time, "I'll fix you. [15:21.1 – 15:26.2] I'll have a scotch and soda." It was just piling trouble on trouble. [15:26.2 – 15:37.1] And with this trouble was this misery, confusion, bewilderment, and a horrible, deep loneliness that [15:37.1 – 15:41.2] only, I think, another alcoholic can understand. [15:41.2 – 15:42.0] We don't mean it. [15:42.0 – 15:43.8] We don't want to do it. [15:43.8 – 15:48.9] We're ashamed of ourselves, but where can we go? [15:48.9 – 15:52.8] I couldn't go to my family doctor. [15:52.8 – 15:55.6] I'd go down, and I always had a sinus condition. [15:55.6 – 15:58.6] He would give me phenobarbital. [15:58.6 – 16:02.6] Thank God I never got addicted or used to these. [16:02.6 – 16:04.9] I, you know, I was scared to death of pills. [16:04.9 – 16:08.2] But I couldn't tell him what was wrong. [16:08.2 – 16:13.6] If he asked me if I was drinking too much, I'd say, "Oh, not too much." Why did I do that? [16:13.6 – 16:15.5] I did that because I was ashamed. [16:15.5 – 16:23.6] I was ashamed to let people know just what I was doing, and I didn't realize I was doing it against my will. [16:23.6 – 16:29.5] Reno, a new environment, a new place. [16:29.5 – 16:33.6] Lost, and I mean lost. [16:33.6 – 16:43.6] I was out there, and because of being Irish, I think, because of being proud, because [16:43.6 – 16:45.9] of this shame, I wouldn't drink. [16:45.9 – 16:49.4] And I had a very slow buildup. [16:49.4 – 16:57.9] I could go along for maybe two or three months, drinking slowly, maybe getting a little bit tight one night, but not the… [16:57.9 – 16:58.7] I watched it. [16:58.7 – 17:02.6] I didn't realize it was a form of control that I was making for myself. [17:02.6 – 17:07.6] So then I went on at Reno. [17:07.6 – 17:08.8] No trouble. [17:08.8 – 17:10.5] I worked. [17:10.5 – 17:20.5] But all of a sudden, my drinking picked up again, and I had heard of an AA meeting opening in Reno, but I was too proud to [17:20.5 – 17:20.9] go. [17:20.9 – 17:26.3] I wanted to go, but Reno's a town possibly the size of Clarksburg. [17:26.3 – 17:31.0] I had many friends there, and I was ashamed to go. [17:31.0 – 17:34.5] From there to San Francisco. [17:34.5 – 17:38.5] From San Francisco, I went out to Hawaii. [17:38.5 – 17:41.8] I was a dietician in a plantation hospital. [17:41.8 – 17:45.9] Again, my drinking, very little in the beginning. [17:45.9 – 17:53.5] And as my drinking accelerated, I got word from my sister that my mother was dying. [17:53.5 – 18:03.7] Well, I didn't know whether she'd live till I got back to New York, and I debated with myself [18:03.7 – 18:05.0] whether I should come back. [18:05.0 – 18:11.7] I knew that if I were in New York, and my husband were in New York- But that wouldn't be good for me. [18:11.7 – 18:12.3] I knew that. [18:12.3 – 18:14.3] That was one of the reasons I stayed out west. [18:14.3 – 18:17.5] I was afraid to come back. [18:17.5 – 18:22.2] And finally, thank God, I did come back. [18:22.2 – 18:31.7] I got back on May first, nineteen forty-seven, and my mother died May second, nineteen forty-seven. [18:31.7 – 18:39.2] Well, that, I believe, was the thing that emptied the glass. [18:39.2 – 18:42.0] I had had with my divorce. [18:42.0 – 18:46.5] My father had died six months later. [18:46.5 – 18:52.1] And within a year and a half, both my father, my husband, and my mother. [18:52.1 – 19:02.2] I didn't realize with all this talk I had been doing before of being a very independent person, it [19:02.2 – 19:06.3] was my life, and I'd run it every way, any way I wanted. [19:06.3 – 19:10.9] I didn't think that the rug would come from under me. [19:10.9 – 19:18.0] But anything I ever leaned on, gone, just gone. [19:18.0 – 19:23.0] And for the next two months, I was numb. [19:23.0 – 19:25.6] Not so much numb from alcohol. [19:25.6 – 19:30.0] I'm drinking all this time, too, but I'm scared now. [19:30.0 – 19:31.2] I'm psychically scared. [19:31.2 – 19:34.7] Every time I drank, I got drunk. [19:34.7 – 19:40.6] I went from scotch to rye to bourbon and finally beer. [19:40.6 – 19:42.3] I thought beer wouldn't affect me. [19:42.3 – 19:48.8] But I couldn't seem to put my hand on anything to pull me together. [19:48.8 – 19:52.9] Pray, I prayed. [19:52.9 – 20:02.2] I had a very wonderful mother, and she always would say, "Teddy, if it's God's will, you and Toby will be back together again." And I used to say, "Oh, you have an inside track. [20:02.2 – 20:06.4] You do that praying." I would pray. [20:06.4 – 20:11.5] And the whole time from Reno until I got back to New York, I would say the Rosary every night. [20:11.5 – 20:21.7] And I'd be in bed with the Rosary and a can of beer beside me, saying, "Hail Mary, full of grace," and a slug of beer in the meantime. [20:21.7 – 20:28.0] I'm making the novena to drink like a lady, and what lady says the Rosary with a can of beer? [20:28.0 – 20:30.7] But I meant it. [20:30.7 – 20:33.2] I mean, that's the horrible part of a drunk. [20:33.2 – 20:36.8] That's the part that no one knows about us. [20:36.8 – 20:38.1] We mean it. [20:38.1 – 20:40.4] We mean it. [20:40.4 – 20:42.1] I meant every word I said. [20:42.1 – 20:46.3] I didn't realize how ridiculous it was. [20:46.3 – 20:50.6] And I think God loves drunks because I think they're the only people he ever gets a laugh out of. [20:50.6 – 20:56.4] Because there's sure not much to laugh at. [20:56.4 – 20:59.4] Well, I overheard, happened to over-overhear a conversation. [20:59.4 – 21:04.8] A sister-in-law of mine was talking about some friend of theirs that had joined AA. [21:04.8 – 21:12.1] Now, this was the first time I had heard this word since I left Reno. [21:12.1 – 21:22.2] And I said to her, "Look, that's for me." And she said, "Oh, Teddy, you're crazy." She said, "You're only upset because you've had a lot of trouble and [21:22.2 – 21:22.7] these things. [21:22.7 – 21:23.7] You're gonna be all right. [21:23.7 – 21:24.8] You're not drinking that. [21:24.8 – 21:32.9] Of course, you're drinking too much, but I think just as soon as you straighten out and you get over this, you'll be all right." That could be what she thought. [21:32.9 – 21:38.4] But deep down inside, I knew and had known for many years that something was wrong. [21:39.7 – 21:42.0] But what it was, I hadn't an answer. [21:42.0 – 21:46.5] So I got her to agree that she would call AA. [21:46.5 – 21:48.9] That was on a Sunday morning. [21:48.9 – 21:52.3] Well, I felt marvelous. [21:52.3 – 21:56.2] I went to the beach with the rest of the crowd, and, um, had a beautiful day. [21:56.2 – 21:57.7] I drank beer until I was numb. [21:57.7 – 22:00.4] And, but I felt good. [22:00.4 – 22:01.3] I don't know why. [22:01.3 – 22:08.6] And I waited two days for the members of the Jackson Heights group to come and visit me. [22:08.6 – 22:18.6] I went to my first meeting in Jackson Heights, and I often, since I've been in AA and have taken care of patients, [22:18.6 – 22:25.1] I've heard people talk about meetings, about good meetings and bad meetings. [22:25.1 – 22:30.9] My first meeting, I shall never forget it. [22:30.9 – 22:36.0] I went to this group, and there was a man with a bright red necktie. [22:36.0 – 22:41.0] Well, they weren't wearing bright neck, red neckties in nineteen forty-seven, it seems to me. [22:41.0 – 22:51.1] And he was there, and I kind of spotted him, and then I had a girl, girl got up, and she was rather young, and every doctor she ever came near chased her [22:51.1 – 22:52.3] all over the place. [22:52.3 – 22:59.3] And, uh, she was having trouble that way, and I had had enough psychiatry and enough training when I could more or less tag her. [22:59.3 – 23:03.2] So then, uh, you've heard it. [23:03.2 – 23:13.2] And, um, the, uh, last chap, Frank Lynch, God love him, he throwed his shoes on [23:13.2 – 23:21.4] the dolly, uh, seized them and goes, "This humility stuff is for the birds," all of this stuff. [23:21.4 – 23:27.1] And while he's talking, I hear this disturbance in the back, some applause. [23:27.1 – 23:32.2] And this woman is saying, "I agree with that." And she staggered up the aisle, dead drunk. [23:32.2 – 23:35.2] I thought it was feigned, it was part of the act. [23:35.2 – 23:39.4] Then they get up, and they say the Lord's Prayer. [23:39.4 – 23:49.6] I said, "Oh, mother of God, what am I into now?" But that meeting, believe me, gave me the [23:49.6 – 23:59.2] key, the clue to my life, to my God, and to the happiness which I hope to give others. [23:59.2 – 24:01.8] I got the word allergy. [24:01.8 – 24:08.9] When I heard that word, it rung a bell because I had had, of course, an allergy. [24:08.9 – 24:12.4] And I went home, and I started to think. [24:12.4 – 24:22.4] And I thought to myself, "Well now, if you had asthma, you could be sensitive to house dust, and you can't control [24:22.4 – 24:25.7] house dust, so thank God you don't have that. [24:25.7 – 24:29.6] Hay fever, that's the wind and the pollen. [24:29.6 – 24:32.1] You can't control it. [24:32.1 – 24:39.1] Migraines, certain chemicals, certain foods." And I said, "I'm, I'm pretty healthy. [24:39.1 – 24:49.2] It's never bothered me in any way." Then I got down to urticaria or hives, and I thought, "Well now, if I got darn good and quit eating strawberries, would I [24:49.2 – 24:53.7] eat them?" And I said, "No." Well, I said, "Well, here's alcohol. [24:53.7 – 25:05.8] It's giving you mental hives, fears, indecision, loss of your self-respect, loneliness, terror." [25:05.8 – 25:09.8] These, to me, were mental hives. [25:09.8 – 25:18.2] That was the first sensible thinking I had done since I was born. [25:18.2 – 25:21.8] Sensible in the fact that something applied to me. [25:21.8 – 25:25.3] Seems to me I had just existed before. [25:25.3 – 25:32.2] I didn't know me, didn't know what made me tick, didn't know why I was ticking. [25:32.2 – 25:42.3] That gave me a understanding of the fact that that could be the thing that was [25:42.3 – 25:43.1] bothering me. [25:43.1 – 25:51.1] I had an allergy, and if I left alcohol alone, I might be able to put my life in shape. [25:51.1 – 25:56.9] Shortly afterwards at a meeting, I heard about Nicoboco. [25:56.9 – 26:08.4] And by this time, I was so grateful, so grateful, that [26:08.4 – 26:10.0] I wanted to do something. [26:10.0 – 26:20.0] And I'd made up my mind if they didn't take me at Nicoboco, I was ready to go to Bellevue because I remembered [26:20.0 – 26:22.3] how lost I was. [26:22.3 – 26:29.6] And the thing I had found, thank God, I wanted to share. [26:29.6 – 26:35.0] Now, people have said what I have done at Nicoboco. [26:35.0 – 26:44.0] What I have done at Nicoboco will never compare with the things that the people of Nicoboco have done for me. [26:44.0 – 26:49.6] I saw myself in each and every patient. [26:49.6 – 26:52.9] I never knew myself. [26:52.9 – 27:01.6] And these patients, by their mistakes and reactions and the things they did, I began to understand me. [27:01.6 – 27:11.6] I began to understand that I had blamed everything and everyone for the mess I was [27:11.6 – 27:14.6] in instead of myself. [27:14.6 – 27:18.3] I blamed my husband for letting me down. [27:18.3 – 27:21.6] I didn't realize that I let him down. [27:21.6 – 27:27.8] And if I didn't understand myself, how in God's name could he understand me? [27:27.8 – 27:37.8] I watched the men come in, who after three months decided that when they were [27:37.8 – 27:42.4] sober, that they could go into a bar and drink Coca-Cola. [27:42.4 – 27:45.9] And it wouldn't bother them. [27:45.9 – 27:51.2] They'd do it for a while, but they always ended up drunk. [27:51.2 – 28:01.2] A drunk has no business in a bar, no business, because you can get Coca-Cola or soda in [28:01.2 – 28:02.4] a nice, clean store. [28:02.4 – 28:12.7] I found out that I had to be honest with myself, and the honesty I had to carry into all my dealings. [28:12.7 – 28:14.6] There weren't any shortcuts. [28:14.6 – 28:26.0] I had to look and admit that I was extremely impatient, extremely intolerant, extremely [28:26.0 – 28:33.7] selfish, that everything had revolved around me, and that the rest of the world I never saw. [28:33.7 – 28:43.7] I found out that a theory that explained why [28:43.7 – 28:48.4] a man or a woman got drunk or why I got drunk when I didn't want to get drunk. [28:48.4 – 28:51.1] It's just a theory. [28:51.1 – 28:53.0] It isn't proven. [28:53.0 – 29:01.1] But the fact is, to me, it's logical, and that's the theory of blood sugar. [29:01.1 – 29:06.4] Now, the normal blood sugar is eighty-one to eighty to one hundred and twenty. [29:06.4 – 29:16.6] Army doctors said that the alcoholic, through an excessive use of alcohol, has disturbed [29:16.6 – 29:18.0] his blood sugar balance. [29:18.0 – 29:26.9] That it's no longer between eighty and a hundred and twenty, but between eighty and sixty and eighty, which is a low normal. [29:26.9 – 29:37.9] Now, alcohol being a sugar, that when a man went in to take one drink, this [29:37.9 – 29:41.9] would take his blood sugar from eighty to send it up to ninety. [29:41.9 – 29:47.2] A half-hour later, it would drop it, and he'd have to have another drink. [29:47.2 – 29:52.2] If he would have the drink, it would send it up again and then drop it again. [29:52.2 – 29:58.2] That's where we, when we drink, the more we drink, the thirstier we become. [29:58.2 – 30:00.9] That makes sense because it happened to me. [30:00.9 – 30:04.3] I'd be dry, and then I'd want another drink, and I never knew why. [30:04.3 – 30:08.5] I found that was for the physical side of it. [30:08.5 – 30:12.8] This wouldn't happen unless I put alcohol in my system. [30:12.8 – 30:15.5] The mental obsession. [30:15.5 – 30:24.4] If you think of a drink, you're gonna get drunk because all action is the result of thought. [30:24.4 – 30:34.4] That book could be on that table until next year, but as soon as I think of it and touch it, I could pick it up [30:34.4 – 30:39.6] because the thought and follow– the action follows the thought. [30:39.6 – 30:49.6] So that while I couldn't help a thought of a drink coming in my head, I wasn't to [30:49.6 – 30:51.3] entertain the thought. [30:51.3 – 30:54.9] In entertaining the thought, there was the danger. [30:54.9 – 31:00.8] So with just these two things, first of all, I wouldn't get drunk. [31:00.8 – 31:05.2] I wouldn't set up this physical compulsion if I didn't take the first drink. [31:05.2 – 31:14.9] Secondly, if I substituted the thought when the thought occurred to me, I would remove all threat of the action. [31:14.9 – 31:25.1] Humility was a word that I never paid much [31:25.1 – 31:26.0] attention to. [31:26.0 – 31:28.8] I never knew what it meant. [31:28.8 – 31:37.7] And I found out it was teachability, and no one could teach me anything. [31:37.7 – 31:43.8] I knew the end of the sentence before you finished it. [31:43.8 – 31:46.8] I still know. [31:46.8 – 31:57.3] But it was to be taught to listen, and it meant adaptability, to adapt [31:57.3 – 32:01.6] to situations instead of the situations adapting to me. [32:01.6 – 32:09.0] Well, that made for a fair amount of serenity. [32:09.0 – 32:16.6] It made for serenity for the simple reason that I was no longer fighting situations and things. [32:16.6 – 32:25.7] I was letting the natural course of events take place, and I was trying to handle the only one thing that I had to handle, was myself. [32:25.7 – 32:34.2] Staying sober twenty-four hours at a time, there's a lot to that. [32:34.2 – 32:39.3] It just doesn't mean staying away from a drink for twenty-four hours. [32:39.3 – 32:48.4] It means that my thinking must be in order for twenty-four hours. [32:48.4 – 32:58.1] When I find myself running ahead, looking into the future, worrying about whether I'm going to be drunk next Christmas, what am I going to do over the Fourth of July? [32:58.1 – 33:02.1] Everybody else will be drinking and be in a fest. [33:02.1 – 33:09.6] That would lead to nervousness and tension, and by the time the Fourth of July came along, I would be drunk. [33:09.6 – 33:13.6] So that it meant that I lived for today. [33:13.6 – 33:20.7] And as I lived each day, as the day came, did what I could. [33:20.7 – 33:30.7] I didn't have a past, a past that I'd be ashamed of, and I wouldn't worry, have to worry about the future because I was [33:30.7 – 33:32.9] taking care of it today. [33:32.9 – 33:38.7] I also learned there about periodics. [33:38.7 – 33:41.5] I was a daily drinker. [33:41.5 – 33:44.0] I didn't know much about periodics. [33:44.0 – 33:51.6] But a periodic is a man or a woman when they're just coming off the bend of their on. [33:51.6 – 33:59.9] They're planning their next one without even knowing it, and they're planning it in this way. [33:59.9 – 34:09.7] They have set up a habit pattern where they're getting drunk every three months, and that three-month period seems to be a very difficult period for people to get over. [34:09.7 – 34:19.8] Well, they set this habit pattern, and what happens, they get off this drunk, and they know when they walk out of a hospital they're going to stay [34:19.8 – 34:22.5] sober, and they don't feel too badly about it. [34:22.5 – 34:30.6] But right in the back of their head, they're saying, "Well, I'm all right now, but, uh, gosh, I wonder if I'm gonna stay sober three months from now. [34:30.6 – 34:32.7] I always get close it," you know? [34:32.7 – 34:34.7] Well, the first week goes by, they're wonderful. [34:34.7 – 34:35.8] They're doing their business. [34:35.8 – 34:37.4] They're going around. [34:37.4 – 34:38.8] They're not paying too much attention. [34:38.8 – 34:44.9] But every now and then, it'll flash through their heads, "Uh, gee, I wonder if I'll make it. [34:44.9 – 34:48.2] Gee, I gotta make it this time." Well, a month will go by. [34:48.2 – 34:51.2] Then they begin to think a little more of it. [34:51.2 – 34:52.5] "This time I gotta make it. [34:52.5 – 34:53.9] Gee, I wonder if I will. [34:53.9 – 34:57.6] I never made it before now." And it gets closer and closer. [34:57.6 – 35:03.2] Finally, a week, two weeks before the three months are up, "I gotta make it. [35:03.2 – 35:04.0] I gotta make it. [35:04.0 – 35:05.3] I'm not gonna drink this time. [35:05.3 – 35:07.3] I'm not gonna drink this time. [35:07.3 – 35:13.5] This time it's gonna be different." Then they build up such tension that they finally start picking at their wives. [35:13.5 – 35:14.7] They pick at their boss. [35:14.7 – 35:15.7] This isn't right. [35:15.7 – 35:18.4] That isn't right, and they're drunk. [35:18.4 – 35:26.7] And the reason they're drunk is that they've never let go of the idea of a drink. [35:26.7 – 35:34.5] They have lived in the future for three months, and what they feared happened. [35:34.5 – 35:38.9] This I've saw time and time again. [35:38.9 – 35:47.0] Complacency, that sneaks up on us. [35:47.0 – 35:54.7] And complacency sneaks in when gratitude goes out. [35:54.7 – 36:06.0] And gratitude is something that you have to have, not verbally, but with every breath you have because [36:06.0 – 36:09.6] you can be useful. [36:09.6 – 36:11.4] It's nice to see the sky. [36:11.4 – 36:14.0] It's nice to be free. [36:14.0 – 36:24.0] Just the freedom alone that AA has given me, where I no longer have to apologize, I no longer have to [36:24.0 – 36:34.0] lie, I no longer have to be ashamed, I no longer have to walk across the street, I no longer have to fear answering the [36:34.0 – 36:34.6] door. [36:34.6 – 36:39.8] The freedom alone of AA is the most priceless thing you could find. [36:39.8 – 36:47.5] And with that freedom comes gratitude. [36:47.5 – 36:55.6] Gratitude, and gratitude naturally will turn you to a power higher than yourself. [36:55.6 – 37:05.0] As I said, I prayed, but I never knew God. [37:05.0 – 37:13.6] I always kind of figured Him as just a great big father that would do whatever I wanted Him to do, or He should've done it anyway. [37:13.6 – 37:24.4] But I never realized that He had to be a partner, and I realized I needed a manager because [37:24.4 – 37:30.9] I had run my life to a point that I wasn't getting any place. [37:30.9 – 37:39.5] And I was glad to turn it over to anyone or anything that could put some order in it. [37:39.5 – 37:48.9] The eleventh step, praying only for the knowledge of His will and the courage to carry it out. [37:48.9 – 37:59.0] To me, God's will is only doing the right thing, and I, as an alcoholic, it's wrong [37:59.0 – 37:60.0] for me to drink. [37:60.0 – 38:07.8] If I'm sincere in doing God's will, I must do what's right for me. [38:07.8 – 38:13.5] God has been extremely good to me. [38:13.5 – 38:19.8] He's given me a gift that I must share with others. [38:19.8 – 38:22.3] He's given me a life. [38:22.3 – 38:31.1] He's given me a purpose, and that purpose is to serve Him through my fellow man. [38:31.1 – 38:41.1] I can't tell you just how grateful and how happy I have been these past almost [38:41.1 – 38:42.5] ten years. [38:42.5 – 38:52.6] I found out that happiness comes from within by helping those [38:52.6 – 38:54.4] without. [38:54.4 – 39:03.3] Another thing that I learned in AA was something I hadn't done for years, and that was laugh. [39:03.3 – 39:11.9] I think a drunk needs to laugh, and it's many, many years prior to AA that we know what a good laugh is. [39:11.9 – 39:21.7] And I learned to laugh once again at Mickelbuffer, and I must tell you two of my best stories, Andy Curton. [39:21.7 – 39:25.6] But to me, they'll always be good stories. [39:25.6 – 39:35.8] I had never met that tongue-ringing type of Irish, "Oh, the grace of God be with you," and if you open your mouth, they'll kiss the gold out of your teeth, you [39:35.8 – 39:37.4] know? [39:37.4 – 39:41.4] Well, I had one of these men in there, and I think Dan McCrory might know him. [39:41.4 – 39:44.5] Uh, his name was Anthony. [39:44.5 – 39:46.1] So I got to calling him St. [39:46.1 – 39:49.7] Anthony because of this tongue-ringing business. [39:49.7 – 39:50.5] That was fine. [39:50.5 – 39:54.1] A day or so later, I had another drunk come in by the name of Jim Cregan. [39:54.1 – 39:56.7] And Jim was one of the rolling kind. [39:56.7 – 40:04.7] I'd get him into bed, and he'd roll on his back, and then I'd get him there, and he'd roll here, and the phones were ringing, and I couldn't leave him for fear he'd crack his skull. [40:04.7 – 40:10.4] So I yell down the hall to this woman who was working with me, and I said, "Ella, get me St. [40:10.4 – 40:20.7] Anthony." And with that, Creighton sat straight up in bed, and he says, "Oh, Mother of God, don't tell me he's here, too." That's [40:20.7 – 40:25.6] the truth. [40:25.6 – 40:31.3] And I said, "Well, sit up." There's eleven. [40:31.3 – 40:40.7] There's been, uh, other than that, one day I went on duty around three-thirty, and, uh, I had about four or five people waiting to talk to me. [40:40.7 – 40:41.8] We had a man there. [40:41.8 – 40:42.9] His wife was there. [40:42.9 – 40:53.1] Said, "Sir, I found this man down from Corning, New York," and, uh, the poor devil, he's been drunk, and he had– for three days, he had been complaining about [40:53.1 – 40:56.0] a pain in his belly, and nobody paid a bit of attention to this. [40:56.0 – 40:58.8] They just kind of let him down a nickel boxer and sober him up. [40:58.8 – 41:00.2] So they finally bring him down. [41:00.2 – 41:03.9] We put him to bed, and we find out he has a ruptured appendix. [41:03.9 – 41:06.5] So, um, she's complaining. [41:06.5 – 41:08.2] He was so much nicer drunk. [41:08.2 – 41:15.6] You know, he's mad at her because he should have been treated for this, and I have to listen to this, and I'm trying to get an old lady in a home. [41:15.6 – 41:16.7] She didn't have any money. [41:16.7 – 41:22.6] I didn't know where to put her, and the phones are ringing, and a patient had come in just an hour before. [41:22.6 – 41:28.1] And all he wanted was, "Teddy, please, a little formaldehyde." You know, one of those boys? [41:28.1 – 41:38.6] And all this excitement is going on when the elevator door opened, and this piece of fluff came in, much hoop earrings and chiffon scarf, and she says, [41:38.6 – 41:46.7] "I want to be one-shot because every time I don't drink, if I don't eat, I get drunk, and I just know that I need to be one-shot." Ringing would go the phone. [41:46.7 – 41:48.8] "Teddy, please, a little formaldehyde. [41:48.8 – 41:50.9] I want to be one-shot." I'm telling you, I had enough. [41:50.9 – 42:01.0] So I said to her, "Look, if you want an Academy Award, you go to Hollywood, and if you want to get drunk, get the hell out of here and get drunk." And with [42:01.0 – 42:06.8] that, I took my hand back, and I grabbed Formaldehyde Pete, and I bring him over here, and I said, "Look, there's no whiskey. [42:06.8 – 42:07.8] There's no wine. [42:07.8 – 42:08.9] There's no beer. [42:08.9 – 42:11.1] There's no formaldehyde. [42:11.1 – 42:12.0] There's tomato juice. [42:12.0 – 42:30.5] Go drink it." He said, "I married your sister." So [42:30.5 – 42:34.6] you see that, um, the tragedy was there, too. [42:34.6 – 42:37.4] But thank God I learned to laugh again. [42:37.4 – 42:44.3] I learned to see the humor in things again. [42:44.3 – 42:46.1] All this has been given to me by AA. [42:46.1 – 42:46.7] Let me go to bed. [42:46.7 – 42:49.9] And just being here and knowing that there's so many friends. [42:49.9 – 42:59.9] I tell you, I don't think there's– I had dinner with a chap tonight, Dale from Montreal, and he spoke of the warmth that he found throughout the country as he [42:59.9 – 43:01.3] traveled. [43:01.3 – 43:03.3] I haven't done too much since I've been in AA. [43:03.3 – 43:10.2] But no matter where I've been, and it's been AA, I've been home. [43:10.2 – 43:11.2] God love you all.