Transcript

[00:01.6 – 00:06.6] Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Marty. [00:06.6 – 00:16.6] My only qualification for chairing this meeting, which I am honored and privileged to do, is [00:16.6 – 00:18.7] because I am an alcoholic. [00:18.7 – 00:23.8] Hi, Marty. [00:23.8 – 00:34.6] If there are any members of the press here, I would like to ask them to, to preserve the anonymity [00:34.6 – 00:41.9] of any of our AA speakers who speak here tonight and respect our traditions as such. [00:41.9 – 00:49.6] How did you like the food? [00:49.6 – 00:50.2] Was it good? [00:50.2 – 00:57.6] Thank you very much. [00:57.6 – 01:00.9] How did you like the organ interlude? [01:00.9 – 01:10.9] Ladies and [01:10.9 – 01:21.0] gentlemen, our guest speaker tonight was the first member of Alcohol [01:21.0 – 01:24.1] synonymous in the province of Quebec. [01:24.1 – 01:31.3] I guess you've heard about this province before. [01:31.3 – 01:42.0] He is an accountant by profession, and he is also is the Canadian trustee [01:42.0 – 01:45.8] on the general service board of Alcohol synonymous. [01:45.8 – 01:54.1] He's well known throughout AA circles as a great little guy. [01:54.1 – 02:04.2] I've, uh, spent a little time with him since last Thursday night and, uh, I've [02:04.2 – 02:05.4] grown to love him, too. [02:05.4 – 02:12.4] And he is positive, proof positive, that this program really works. [02:12.4 – 02:22.7] He's here tonight with us with twenty-one years of AA sobriety [02:22.7 – 02:31.2] under his belt, and I think that this is something in itself. [02:31.2 – 02:43.1] And so, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you with confidence Dave [02:43.1 – 02:43.1] D. [02:43.1 – 02:45.6] of Montreal Dave. [02:45.6 – 02:58.2] Thank [02:58.2 – 02:59.1] you, good people. [02:59.1 – 03:10.6] I can't remember all the proper titles I'm supposed to say about the head table, so [03:10.6 – 03:20.8] I will only say honored guests at the head table and my friends out there. [03:20.8 – 03:30.8] There are two things I wanted to say before I started to tell my story, because I've been asked to [03:30.8 – 03:32.3] tell my story. [03:32.3 – 03:42.7] And one, the first was to thank you people so much for inviting me [03:42.8 – 03:43.2] here. [03:43.2 – 03:53.3] You know, up here in Canada, we have the largest area in the AA [03:53.3 – 03:58.3] world from which a trustee is selected. [03:58.3 – 04:08.3] And I have been in every area now that I have been in Alberta from Newfoundland [04:08.3 – 04:18.8] to British Columbia, and it has been a most rewarding experience to me, [04:18.8 – 04:23.5] and I thank you that you have made it possible for me. [04:23.5 – 04:33.9] My term is coming to an end this year as your servant [04:33.9 – 04:35.5] has on the board. [04:35.5 – 04:41.6] We have a new one who is a Westerner, too. [04:41.6 – 04:50.8] He's not really the trustee yet because we haven't ele-elected him, but he is the trustee nominee. [04:50.8 – 04:54.0] And I've known, never known one yet that wasn't elected. [04:54.0 – 04:58.3] And he is Tom. [04:58.3 – 05:02.8] He is here today from Winnipeg. [05:02.8 – 05:12.9] And if he is in the room, I haven't been able to see him, so that you can see your representative on the board for the next four years. [05:12.9 – 05:17.0] I wish Tom, whatever the years, would stand up. [05:17.0 – 05:29.6] There [05:29.6 – 05:31.9] he is. [05:31.9 – 05:32.9] I'm an alcoholic. [05:32.9 – 05:37.5] My name is Dave Sandcraft. [05:37.5 – 05:38.9] Hi, Dave. [05:38.9 – 05:45.6] I like to say that for various reasons. [05:45.6 – 05:50.3] The main reason is to remind myself. [05:50.3 – 05:55.3] It's quite a long time since I had a drink. [05:55.3 – 05:59.1] It's something I don't ever want to forget. [05:59.1 – 06:02.1] I'm going to tell my story tonight. [06:02.1 – 06:12.3] And that reminds me a little more, and it reminds me particularly of one of my favorite prayers, and that is, [06:12.3 – 06:14.0] God give me a grateful heart. [06:14.0 – 06:22.5] It reminds me, too, that this thing wasn't of my own doing. [06:22.5 – 06:31.4] It is something that I have to remember the last little phrase that we use in the Lord's Prayer. [06:31.4 – 06:37.2] It says, for thine is the kingdom, thine is the power, and thine is the glory. [06:37.2 – 06:43.5] And that's the way I hope that I can always look at it. [06:43.5 – 06:54.1] I think I was one of those people that was predestined to be an alcoholic, [06:54.1 – 06:56.5] if there is such a thing as predestination. [06:56.5 – 07:03.5] I've had all the characteristics of the alcoholic for as long as I can remember. [07:03.5 – 07:06.6] Particularly do I remember the fear. [07:06.6 – 07:09.4] My very first memory is of fear. [07:09.4 – 07:15.7] And that was, we lived in Mexico City when I was a very small boy. [07:15.7 – 07:20.1] And we were there during the period of the revolution. [07:20.1 – 07:26.6] And I can remember the soldiers coming to the house and taking away my father's riding horse. [07:26.6 – 07:35.6] I can remember the soldiers who were not having time to bury them that they were burning on the street. [07:35.6 – 07:41.2] I can remember the terrible earthquakes that used to frighten my mother so much. [07:41.2 – 07:46.7] And she used to stand, we used to all have to stand under the lintel of the door. [07:46.7 – 07:52.9] My next memory is a memory that created even more fear in me. [07:52.9 – 07:59.5] Very shortly after that, my father and mother took a trip over to Europe and they came back. [07:59.5 – 08:03.9] And shortly after they came back, my mother died. [08:03.9 – 08:06.4] And then there was a fear, who's going to look after us? [08:06.4 – 08:07.7] What's going to happen to us? [08:07.7 – 08:09.3] Where are we going to go? [08:09.3 – 08:17.6] And this seems to me to have given me perhaps the main characteristic of the alcoholic, and that is fear. [08:17.6 – 08:25.6] I was looked after by my grandmothers and two maiden aunts. [08:25.6 – 08:30.5] And I was very badly spoiled. [08:30.5 – 08:37.2] And I think perhaps that is what gave me that other characteristic of the alcoholic. [08:37.2 – 08:39.4] I didn't want to take orders. [08:39.4 – 08:41.2] I didn't want to do what I was told. [08:41.2 – 08:44.0] And I became pretty rebellious. [08:44.0 – 08:47.2] And I was going to run things my way. [08:47.2 – 08:49.6] And then my father remarried. [08:49.6 – 08:52.2] And I had to go home. [08:52.2 – 08:53.8] And I had to take orders. [08:53.8 – 08:55.7] But I was rebellious. [08:55.7 – 09:01.0] And I caused such a commotion around the place that eventually I was shipped off to boarding school. [09:01.0 – 09:04.8] I had other characteristics, too. [09:04.8 – 09:10.2] I had, I think what they used to call in the old days, the will to fail. [09:10.2 – 09:20.2] I can remember my father bringing me up to the head office of the Bank of Montreal where he had worked for many years, introducing me to the general [09:20.2 – 09:24.7] manager and the president of the bank and saying, this is my son. [09:24.7 – 09:26.7] He's going to follow in my footsteps. [09:26.7 – 09:32.1] And I can remember feeling inside myself, I'll never be able to do that. [09:32.1 – 09:35.1] I can't do the things that everybody expects me to do. [09:35.1 – 09:40.2] Things got so bad at home they sent me to a boarding school. [09:40.2 – 09:45.8] And in my last year there, I was shy and I was small. [09:45.8 – 09:51.7] And I wasn't too much good at games and I wasn't too much good at studies or any other thing that I can think of. [09:51.7 – 09:59.1] I didn't have, I guess, another one of the old-fashioned characteristics called moral courage. [09:59.1 – 10:04.3] I remember we were down in Sherbrooke one day and we were walking past the old Magog house. [10:04.3 – 10:08.2] And somebody said, let's go in and have a beer. [10:08.2 – 10:14.7] And I don't know why I had a feeling this was the wrong thing to do. [10:14.7 – 10:19.0] Alcohol wasn't something that was forbidden in our house. [10:19.0 – 10:21.6] I don't believe I ever really saw it abused there. [10:21.6 – 10:26.5] I don't know why I never had a drink previously, but I hadn't. [10:26.5 – 10:28.8] But inside me was a feeling this wasn't right. [10:28.8 – 10:29.7] I shouldn't do this. [10:29.7 – 10:34.4] But I didn't want the other boys to think the less of me. [10:34.4 – 10:36.7] So I went in and I had a beer. [10:36.7 – 10:38.2] And then another. [10:38.2 – 10:41.1] And a whole new world opened up for me. [10:41.1 – 10:45.0] I could be all of the things I'd always dreamed. [10:45.0 – 10:49.1] I could be all of the things I'd always wanted to be. [10:49.1 – 10:51.7] It didn't matter about all these things I wasn't too good at. [10:51.7 – 10:53.7] I could sit there and dream. [10:53.7 – 10:55.7] And then something else. [10:55.7 – 11:00.6] When I got back to school, I became the big wheel. [11:00.6 – 11:02.6] I was the center of attraction. [11:02.6 – 11:08.9] I can still remember the little boys around the school saying, boy, did you smell Bancroft? [11:08.9 – 11:10.0] He's been drinking. [11:10.0 – 11:14.9] And that really made me into something I'd never been before. [11:14.9 – 11:24.6] I think that I was the type of alcoholic who's an alcoholic right from the very first drink, or perhaps before he takes his first drink. [11:24.6 – 11:28.0] I went back home after that. [11:28.0 – 11:37.7] And I drank not all the time, but when I drank, I always wanted to finish the evening. [11:37.7 – 11:39.4] I wanted to see the end of the bottle. [11:39.4 – 11:41.9] I wanted to get drunk. [11:41.9 – 11:45.2] Didn't seem to sleep very well if I hadn't done that. [11:45.2 – 11:52.9] And I can remember it wasn't too long until I got the dishonesty part of the alcoholic. [11:52.9 – 12:01.9] I would pretend I was going home when the others went home, but I would go off somewhere else and finish it out and then go home. [12:01.9 – 12:11.9] I can remember, too, in those old days in Quebec City, being in this hotel reminds me of it, in [12:11.9 – 12:12.7] the Charlevoix front. [12:12.7 – 12:17.9] And I, you know, I used to do the most outlandish things that I could be the center of attraction. [12:17.9 – 12:25.7] It seems to be when you start to do outlandish things, you've got to keep doing bigger and better ones, or people don't talk about you anymore, and you aren't really. [12:25.7 – 12:29.9] And I can remember going to a very fancy St. [12:29.9 – 12:37.4] George's Day ball, white tie, tails, red rose in the buttonhole. [12:37.4 – 12:47.6] And I can remember standing up on the stage at the end of that and remembering my Scottish ancestry and saying, "Scots, where hey, we Wallace [12:47.6 – 12:55.0] bled, and down with the Sassenach." And, uh, I was let out of there in disgrace, I might tell you. [12:55.0 – 13:05.1] There were a few other incidents like that, and I found myself transferred out of the city of Quebec down to the Maritimes. [13:05.1 – 13:10.5] And from there, I went to the Ontario division. [13:10.5 – 13:14.7] By this time, alcohol had become quite a problem. [13:14.7 – 13:17.9] At least every other, every other person thought it was except me. [13:17.9 – 13:21.8] And people were saying, "Why don't you cut it down? [13:21.8 – 13:27.2] Why don't you take it easy?" And others were saying, "Why doesn't he– He's just sowing his wild oats. [13:27.2 – 13:28.0] He'll get over it. [13:28.0 – 13:34.5] He'll grow out of it." And I used to get very defiant in those days and say, "It's my business if I drink. [13:34.5 – 13:36.6] I never missed a day's work. [13:36.6 – 13:37.6] I've never been late. [13:37.6 – 13:39.4] You look after your affairs. [13:39.4 – 13:48.1] I look after mine." But that trip to Hamilton, I woke up in the lower berth of the train. [13:48.1 – 13:50.1] The porter is shaking me. [13:50.1 – 13:52.2] There's a bottle on each side of me. [13:52.2 – 13:57.3] He says, "We're in Hamilton," and I get out, and I didn't get into work. [13:57.3 – 14:05.6] I didn't get into work for two or three days until the accountant of the bank came over and got me. [14:05.6 – 14:07.6] That was another part of the dishonesty. [14:07.6 – 14:17.9] I think the person I was most dishonest with was myself because I can remember many, many times after that [14:17.9 – 14:20.6] saying, "Alcohol isn't really a problem. [14:20.6 – 14:30.9] I've never done this, and I've never done that, and I can handle it, and it's my business if I drink." But the d– every once in a while in the morning when you'd wake up, [14:30.9 – 14:39.4] that old feeling was there, and this would come right out of where you've hidden it, and you'd know that you were living a kind of a phony existence. [14:39.4 – 14:46.9] And after that, I was transferred out to Tom's hometown, out to Winnipeg. [14:46.9 – 14:51.1] Winnipeg was an alcoholic paradise. [14:51.1 – 14:55.1] I lived upstairs over the bank. [14:55.1 – 15:02.2] I worked downstairs, and all I had to do was run through the back alley into the Corona Hotel, and I did that all that winter. [15:02.2 – 15:09.2] And as I say, you have to keep doing bigger and better and better things all the time. [15:09.2 – 15:14.9] I can remember I was at the Winnipeg Roundup a few years ago. [15:14.9 – 15:21.4] You know, sometimes you people out in the West have a strange idea of us effete Easterners, I guess. [15:21.4 – 15:31.4] And somebody said to me, "You're from Montreal, are you?" And I said, "Yes." And, uh, he said, [15:31.4 – 15:34.3] "Boy, well, there's one story you'll never top. [15:34.3 – 15:44.3] You know, once, oh, years ago, when I," it was 30 years ago, "there was a fella come out from the East, and he stood out top of the bank there at the corner of Portage and [15:44.3 – 15:45.1] Main. [15:45.1 – 15:49.1] Didn't have a stitch of clothes on, only a fur coat and a bottle in the pocket. [15:49.1 – 15:59.1] And finally, it took the, the extension ladders, the fire department, the police, and everybody else to get him down." I didn't say a word until I got up to [15:59.1 – 15:59.5] speak. [15:59.5 – 16:06.7] And when I did, I told that story, and I thought it must have really been something if they remembered it after 30 years. [16:06.7 – 16:18.3] I can remember, too, I can remember in the morning, I [16:18.3 – 16:21.4] can remember the manager of the bank when I was called down there. [16:21.4 – 16:28.1] I can remember the look on his face, the look of disgust, and he said, "What is the matter with you? [16:28.1 – 16:29.0] What is it? [16:29.0 – 16:35.5] Are you crazy doing things like that?" I can remember having to go down to the police station. [16:35.5 – 16:43.6] I can remember having to pay the fine, and I can remember what the head policeman down there said to me. [16:45.2 – 16:46.9] And those things hurt for a little while. [16:46.9 – 16:49.8] You decide you're going to straighten around, but I didn't. [16:49.8 – 16:52.6] And I was now becoming very defiant. [16:52.6 – 16:56.1] I wasn't taking orders from anybody, and nobody was going to push me around. [16:56.1 – 17:00.3] I also had the fears on the inside. [17:00.3 – 17:06.5] I can remember, too, everything, you know, I think most alcoholics are like that. [17:06.5 – 17:11.0] Everything that happened in this world or anything that happened, I related to myself. [17:11.0 – 17:14.0] It was personally directed against me. [17:14.0 – 17:20.0] I never thought of the other people in the world or that anybody really thought about anybody else except Dave Bancroft. [17:20.0 – 17:22.6] Everything that happened, that related to me. [17:22.6 – 17:31.9] And I had fallen violently in love, as boys of 21 do, with a young lady of 15. [17:31.9 – 17:34.5] And then all of a sudden the blow fell. [17:34.5 – 17:37.1] I was transferred to Vancouver. [17:37.1 – 17:41.1] And I thought that this was personally directed against me. [17:41.1 – 17:46.4] And I can remember I was making $800 a year, which is worth a little more than it is now. [17:46.4 – 17:56.4] And I can remember deciding because of that feeling that most alcoholics have, that it's a feeling of insecurity, that if [17:56.4 – 18:01.5] I get away from here, some far better-looking man and somebody smarter than me will take this girl away. [18:01.5 – 18:07.1] And so I decided I'd use some of my expense money and we would straighten this thing out. [18:07.1 – 18:13.4] So we went into a little jewelry store on Portage Avenue and we bought a ring. [18:13.4 – 18:19.6] And the little man in the jewelry store said, you know, these things come in sets. [18:19.6 – 18:23.3] Perhaps you would like to get the wedding ring at the same time. [18:23.3 – 18:27.0] Well, you can't look small in the eyes of your beloved. [18:27.0 – 18:28.5] And so we bought the wedding ring. [18:28.5 – 18:33.5] And then he reached under the counter and he said, are you planning on getting married right away? [18:33.5 – 18:38.2] And I got frightened and I didn't say anything. [18:38.2 – 18:43.8] But he said, if you are, here's a minister who will marry you way up in the other end of town. [18:43.8 – 18:46.8] And who can look small in the eyes of their beloved? [18:46.8 – 18:49.4] And so we got in a taxi and we were married. [18:49.4 – 18:59.6] And I don't suppose that a marriage like that has one chance in I don't know how many millions of ever being successful. [18:59.6 – 19:02.1] But I can tell you something else. [19:02.1 – 19:12.2] 36 years later, a few days ago, that same [19:12.2 – 19:18.3] wife came and said goodbye to me as I started off for here. [19:18.3 – 19:23.3] These are some of the tremendous miracles, really, I think that have happened. [19:23.3 – 19:30.4] I think God does have a special eye for the drunks and the children and the helpless kind of people. [19:30.4 – 19:33.6] I went out to Vancouver. [19:33.6 – 19:35.7] We hadn't told anybody we were married. [19:35.7 – 19:44.3] And finally, see, perhaps part of my trouble was that my father got me out of all the jams that I was ever in. [19:44.3 – 19:49.8] And I finally wrote him a letter and told him what I had done. [19:49.8 – 19:53.2] And he said, there's nothing I can do. [19:53.2 – 19:54.3] It's a very strict rule. [19:54.3 – 19:56.6] Go and report it to the superintendent, which I did. [19:56.6 – 19:58.7] And I was fired right there on the spot. [19:58.7 – 20:06.1] And here I was, 3,000 miles from home, no money, a wife in Winnipeg. [20:06.1 – 20:12.8] And then Dory's father took action to have the marriage annulled. [20:12.8 – 20:14.9] And that made it even worse. [20:14.9 – 20:18.1] And then my father did straighten it up with the bank. [20:18.1 – 20:23.2] And he sent me $500, and this was supposed to be our wedding present to get things started. [20:23.2 – 20:30.0] And when Dory arrived in there, in Vancouver, I was in the hospital. [20:30.0 – 20:32.4] There was no $500. [20:32.4 – 20:34.7] There was nothing to start with. [20:34.7 – 20:40.2] And she had to go and live with the family of the accountant at the bank, which I worked. [20:40.2 – 20:44.0] That's not a very pretty start to life. [20:44.0 – 20:51.5] And you would think about this time I would be saying to myself, well, it must have something to do with the alcohol. [20:51.5 – 20:53.7] Maybe I'm going to straighten up. [20:53.7 – 20:55.7] But it wasn't that yet. [20:55.7 – 21:01.1] The next thing came was a blackout, the first real blackout that I had had. [21:01.1 – 21:11.2] And I found myself sitting across the desk from a police lieutenant looking for a permit to carry a [21:11.2 – 21:11.7] revolver. [21:11.7 – 21:14.6] And I had no idea of how I got there. [21:14.6 – 21:23.0] I had no idea of anything except that I already had a permit to carry a revolver while I was on the bank business. [21:23.0 – 21:24.6] And this frightened me terribly. [21:24.6 – 21:28.9] And I made my first real attempt to stop drinking. [21:28.9 – 21:31.5] It lasted for three days. [21:31.5 – 21:36.4] The bank kept transferring me from one branch to another branch to another branch. [21:36.4 – 21:39.1] And finally I landed up in the old Hotel Vancouver. [21:39.1 – 21:45.2] And it was there that the beginning of the end really came. [21:45.2 – 21:48.2] But it was only the beginning of the end. [21:48.2 – 21:52.6] Because a party started in one of the rooms that night. [21:52.6 – 21:58.8] And we ran out of liquor, and it's all a very vague in my mind. [21:58.8 – 22:03.8] And I woke up the following morning in the little flat we had with a terrible headache. [22:03.8 – 22:06.3] And I didn't very often have headaches. [22:06.3 – 22:07.3] I got awfully sick. [22:07.3 – 22:10.9] There was also a funny little feeling of fear. [22:10.9 – 22:14.4] And it was a kind of a fear that I was to get to know very well after that. [22:14.4 – 22:17.1] And I suppose most alcoholics do. [22:17.1 – 22:18.7] It was a fear of the unknown. [22:18.7 – 22:20.6] Something terrible was going to happen. [22:20.6 – 22:21.4] You don't know what it is. [22:21.4 – 22:24.0] It's a fear of sort of impending doom. [22:24.0 – 22:27.7] And it was right. [22:27.7 – 22:29.0] But I had the answer for that. [22:29.0 – 22:30.6] There was some beer in the icebox. [22:30.6 – 22:35.7] And so I went in there and I got that and started to drink. [22:35.7 – 22:39.8] And the beer, the feeling got worse and worse. [22:39.8 – 22:41.8] And there was good reason for it. [22:41.8 – 22:46.9] Because very shortly I felt a feeling of pins and needles all down one side. [22:46.9 – 22:49.6] My face was all pulled over. [22:49.6 – 22:52.0] And I was terrified. [22:52.0 – 22:53.1] I called Dory. [22:53.1 – 22:55.2] She called the doctor. [22:55.2 – 23:02.4] And it turned out that I had had, first, the first doctor that came said, "It's alcoholic neuritis. [23:02.4 – 23:08.9] Uh, feed him well, give him shots of this and that, and he'll be all right in a few days. [23:08.9 – 23:17.3] You know these drunks, they drink and they don't eat." But in a couple of days, I was delirious, and Dory called the bank doctor. [23:17.3 – 23:23.4] And it turned out that I had had a cerebral hemorrhage and that I was paralyzed all down my right side. [23:23.4 – 23:33.4] That was the time when the loan company that I was well known to by this time started [23:33.4 – 23:36.5] clamoring for their money from the bank. [23:36.5 – 23:46.7] It was a time when all the checks that I had kited out all over the countryside because I was in a good po- position to do it started coming back home to roost. [23:46.7 – 23:53.6] And as soon as I was able to travel, I was transferred back to Montreal in disgrace. [23:53.6 – 23:57.9] And I can remember now the bitterness that was inside me. [23:57.9 – 23:59.9] What had I ever done? [23:59.9 – 24:04.0] Twenty-three years old, paralyzed, crippled for life. [24:04.0 – 24:07.9] If there was a God, how could he ever do a thing like this to me? [24:07.9 – 24:11.4] I don't think anybody ever had such self-pity. [24:11.4 – 24:21.3] And instead of being the kind of person that was quite talkative and enjoying everything and lots of friends and all the rest, I became withdrawn. [24:21.3 – 24:24.4] I began to hate everybody and everything. [24:24.4 – 24:26.4] And I was afraid to drink. [24:26.4 – 24:34.4] I was afraid to drink at first because they told me I might be paralyzed for the rest of my life if I did, and flat on my back or die. [24:34.4 – 24:39.6] I don't think you can frighten an alcoholic. [24:39.6 – 24:49.7] And then there's that kind of rationalizations l- that alcoholics do, because it wasn't too long before I was saying to myself, "I think they're just [24:49.7 – 24:51.4] trying to make me stop drinking. [24:51.4 – 24:58.6] I think they're just trying to scare me." And this was something nobody could do. [24:58.6 – 25:06.9] And so one day, I went in and I had a glass of beer, and then I had another, and I didn't die, and I wasn't paralyzed. [25:06.9 – 25:15.3] And I never could handle as much after that, but that really was the beginning of the end. [25:15.3 – 25:24.7] I can remember not too long after that, they sent me up to a branch uptown, and this was going to be better. [25:24.7 – 25:28.6] I can remember walking in the door, and I was still walking with a cane. [25:28.6 – 25:35.2] I can remember the accountant of the branch, a man really who did me the greatest favor that anybody ever did. [25:35.2 – 25:44.0] He took one look and he said, "What are they sending up here, a bunch of cripples?" And I can remember inside myself saying, "I'll show that man. [25:44.0 – 25:54.1] I'll show that man if it's the last thing I ever do." I hadn't learned to write too well with my left hand and all the rest and handle the cash, but I was [25:54.1 – 25:58.6] so mad and so hurt that it wasn't too long until I did. [25:58.6 – 26:01.9] But the drinking still continued. [26:01.9 – 26:05.7] And I can remember eventually they sent me up to a psychiatrist. [26:05.7 – 26:08.7] Not that I have anything against psychiatrists. [26:08.7 – 26:12.7] Some of my best friends and some of the people who have helped me the most are psychiatrists. [26:12.7 – 26:20.4] And I don't really say this, uh, in any spirit of anything but telling my story. [26:20.4 – 26:24.1] And I went up to the psychiatrist, and I had laid out the money. [26:24.1 – 26:27.4] I forget how much it was, but it was a good deal of money in those days. [26:27.4 – 26:32.6] And I sat up there, and the psychiatrist kept looking at a spot on the wall over my head. [26:32.6 – 26:37.6] And I sat there, and not thinking of my $10, I lied to him. [26:37.6 – 26:43.0] I wouldn't tell him one word of the truth, and I didn't have much of a trouble and so on and so forth. [26:43.0 – 26:48.4] And I went to him a second time and lied even more, I guess. [26:48.4 – 26:58.4] The end of that story was that the psychiatrist one day packed his wife in a car and himself and left a note on his desk and drove up north and [26:58.4 – 26:59.9] over a cliff and into a river. [26:59.9 – 27:07.1] I don't really think that it had anything to do with me, but nevertheless, it was something. [27:07.1 – 27:14.1] Maybe I was the last straw that, that broke the camel's back. [27:14.1 – 27:18.8] And then started the rounds of hospitals. [27:18.8 – 27:23.0] I forget how many times I was in that Western Hospital. [27:23.0 – 27:33.0] And then started an old friend of mine, a clergyman, an Anglican church clergyman, who tried so hard to help [27:33.0 – 27:41.1] me, and how much time I spent with him and in and out of those hospitals. [27:41.1 – 27:44.2] And then again came that great experiment. [27:44.2 – 27:47.3] Maybe it shouldn't be Dory and I just living alone. [27:47.3 – 27:51.8] Maybe if we had a youngster, this was going to be, was going to be different. [27:51.8 – 27:59.1] I can remember the day that Bill was born, my oldest son. [27:59.1 – 28:04.4] I can remember how much I wanted to be sober, and I wanted to do this thing right. [28:04.4 – 28:14.6] I had put away about that much in a bottle up on the top in the kitchen, and by great strength of character, [28:14.6 – 28:21.7] I had kept it up there, and this was to be for the night when Dory said, "I've got to phone the doctor." Well, that night came. [28:21.7 – 28:29.9] By the time I'd found the, the bottle and got myself unshaky enough, I couldn't dial. [28:29.9 – 28:31.2] She had dialed the doctor. [28:31.2 – 28:34.3] And then I started to drive her to the hospital. [28:34.3 – 28:38.6] And on the way, I had to stop at one of the hotels and get a package of cigarettes. [28:38.6 – 28:46.8] And I came up some long time later, and I barely got her to the hospital in time. [28:46.8 – 28:53.6] I couldn't bear the thought of going back to that lonely apartment by itself, myself. [28:53.6 – 29:01.4] So I went and stayed at the old Ford Hotel, and I just drank, and I just drank, and I just drank. [29:01.4 – 29:04.5] And about the third day I thought, "Well, you can't do this. [29:04.5 – 29:14.9] I've got to go up, see Dorrie." And I went out, and I bought a thing of flowers, a tremendous thing of flowers that would've looked well in Dominion Square. [29:14.9 – 29:21.8] And I got in a taxi, and I went up to the hospital. [29:21.8 – 29:23.3] Dorrie has a picture of this. [29:23.3 – 29:33.5] She saw me coming, walking down the hall, dirty, not shaved, still half drunk, dragging [29:33.5 – 29:35.4] this great thing of flowers behind me. [29:35.4 – 29:38.8] She remembers all that. [29:38.8 – 29:42.2] But I'll tell you what I remember. [29:42.2 – 29:50.7] If there's ever a glass in front of me that I have any intention of picking up and taking a drink out of it, I hope I remember it right then. [29:50.7 – 30:00.8] I hope it comes right in front of my face, 'cause I remember the look she took at me, and I can remember that she burst into tears, and all I could do was walk [30:00.8 – 30:04.1] away and go out and get drunker than I already was. [30:04.1 – 30:07.7] This went on. [30:07.7 – 30:17.2] I'm not going to tell you of all the various hospitals in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and the absolute hopelessness that comes after that. [30:17.2 – 30:24.4] The moving from this house to that house to the other house because you hated the places so much after you'd lived there a little while. [30:24.4 – 30:26.5] You couldn't stand it. [30:26.5 – 30:28.2] Couldn't stand to see them again. [30:28.2 – 30:39.7] I can remember once crawling all the way up to the top of a shrine with these hundreds and hundreds of steps and [30:39.7 – 30:43.4] asking Brother Andre up at the top if he could help me. [30:43.4 – 30:52.8] He gave me a little medallion, which I brought down, and we just found a little while ago, and that's what reminded me of it. [30:52.8 – 30:55.8] But he said he couldn't help me. [30:55.8 – 30:59.8] I can remember all the other people that tried to help me. [30:59.8 – 31:09.8] And I can remember a day in a place that we were living at that particular time, which was certainly not a very [31:09.8 – 31:16.0] nice place, where my friend, the minister, came one day. [31:16.0 – 31:21.7] And I had had hallucinations a few times, and they'd carted me away. [31:21.7 – 31:25.9] The fears had got so bad I couldn't undress at night, and I couldn't go to bed. [31:25.9 – 31:29.9] I'd sit up there in a chair waiting, waiting for something to happen. [31:29.9 – 31:34.2] Just like that feeling of impending doom, something terrible was going to happen. [31:34.2 – 31:39.5] You can imagine what this was doing to my little boy, who was about two by this time. [31:39.5 – 31:49.7] I can remember coming home at night, and he'd run under the bed because he didn't know whose side to be on in the quarrels and upsets that were going on when I would get home. [31:49.7 – 31:53.6] But I can remember this day Fred Wilkinson arrives. [31:53.6 – 31:56.3] He's the bishop of Toronto now and a tremendous friend of mine. [31:56.3 – 32:01.7] I can remember him arriving and saying, "Dave, nobody can stand this anymore. [32:01.7 – 32:04.5] They, you can't go on like this. [32:04.5 – 32:07.9] It'll kill you, and it'll kill your family. [32:07.9 – 32:16.6] You've got to do something about it." And he suggested that I go down to the court and take a voluntary interdiction. [32:16.6 – 32:21.0] I found it was voluntary to get into, but not very voluntary to get out of. [32:21.0 – 32:27.2] I imag– I remember standing in front of Judge Florio in the Superior Court. [32:27.2 – 32:31.3] I don't feel sorry for myself for these things, really. [32:31.3 – 32:39.3] I'm glad they happened to me because I can appreciate things that I've got now so much more. [32:39.3 – 32:43.6] I stood in front of him, and he read out this long thing. [32:43.6 – 32:48.1] They have a thing in Quebec called a family council, and all my family's behind me. [32:48.1 – 32:50.4] And I listen while he reads it. [32:50.4 – 32:52.7] I was taking all my civil rights away. [32:52.7 – 32:58.8] And finally, he says the reason why, because I'm a common drunkard and a vagabond. [32:58.8 – 33:05.0] And I took my first trip after that down to the Verdun Protestant Hospital for the insane. [33:05.0 – 33:07.3] They used to call it in those days. [33:07.3 – 33:09.2] And I can remember the terrible fear. [33:09.2 – 33:19.3] And I can remember, "What's going to happen to me now?" And I can also remember after the alcohol had worn off, and I got feeling pretty good, saying, "How could they [33:19.3 – 33:20.2] do this to me? [33:20.2 – 33:23.8] Imagine locking me up in a lunatic asylum. [33:23.8 – 33:24.6] They can't do this. [33:24.6 – 33:25.8] Wait till I get out of here. [33:25.8 – 33:27.1] Just wait." [33:28.6 – 33:30.3] I'm going back out to Vancouver. [33:30.3 – 33:34.4] But I didn't go to Vancouver or anywhere else. [33:34.4 – 33:39.2] I was no sooner out of there and I started drinking again and I was back in again. [33:39.2 – 33:42.6] And then I got out again. [33:42.6 – 33:45.6] And this time it was going to be different. [33:45.6 – 33:55.6] This time, you know, poor old Dave, he couldn't stand the pressures of city life, of routine in the office, and we were going to put him out on the [33:55.6 – 33:56.0] farm. [33:56.0 – 34:01.6] And they did put me out on the farm, about 70 miles out of Montreal. [34:01.6 – 34:04.7] And I determined that I wasn't going to drink. [34:04.7 – 34:08.6] I started raising chickens and I did not too badly at it. [34:08.6 – 34:14.3] I made a little profit while it was operating, took some prizes for setting eggs at Beaune Fair, too. [34:14.3 – 34:16.4] I can remember that. [34:16.4 – 34:23.7] And then one day in the old house that's been in our family for many generations, I saw on a beam in the cellar a bottle. [34:23.7 – 34:27.3] Way up there. [34:27.3 – 34:29.0] And I picked it down and I looked at it. [34:29.0 – 34:30.6] It said, Dr. [34:30.6 – 34:34.2] Somebody's Bovine Bronchial Syrup, 40% alcohol. [34:34.2 – 34:38.6] And that was the end. [34:38.6 – 34:45.4] And I was shortly on my way back to the Verdun Protestant Hospital. [34:45.4 – 34:49.4] And this time I was a three-time loser. [34:49.4 – 34:55.8] And I don't know how it is here, but there that means that if they want, they can perhaps keep you there for the rest of their lives. [34:55.8 – 34:58.9] And I can remember the defiance that was in me. [34:58.9 – 35:02.8] The defiance that was on the outside and the fear that was in the inside. [35:02.8 – 35:05.3] And walking into dear, kindly old Dr. [35:05.3 – 35:13.4] Porteous' office who tried so hard to help me and saying, you'll never make me stop drinking. [35:13.4 – 35:18.5] You'll never make me stop drinking if you keep me here a thousand years. [35:18.5 – 35:21.2] And he said, maybe we will, Dave. [35:21.2 – 35:25.3] Maybe we will if we keep you here long enough. [35:25.3 – 35:31.8] And that began going around and around and around in my mind. [35:31.8 – 35:34.6] What did he mean, keep me here long enough? [35:34.6 – 35:36.6] Was I going to be there the rest of my life? [35:36.6 – 35:39.5] And it wasn't too long when I could get to a phone. [35:39.5 – 35:41.5] I finally got hold of Dory. [35:41.5 – 35:44.2] I said, you can't do this to me, Dory. [35:44.2 – 35:46.5] Remember the good years. [35:46.5 – 35:51.0] You can't keep me locked up in this lunatic asylum. [35:51.0 – 35:60.0] And she, God bless her, came down and got me out. [35:60.0 – 36:09.5] And that's another one of the things I don't ever want to forget if there's ever a glass that I ever have any intention of picking up. [36:09.5 – 36:12.2] I can remember sitting in Dr. [36:12.2 – 36:18.1] Porteous' office with my wife, with little Billy. [36:18.1 – 36:25.0] And I can remember him saying, Dave is an alcoholic of a type with whom we've had very little success. [36:25.0 – 36:27.7] There's nothing more that we can do for him. [36:27.7 – 36:32.4] He'll probably have to have custodial care for the rest of his life. [36:32.4 – 36:34.3] But he let me go. [36:34.3 – 36:39.3] And Dory went to live with her sister and took little Bill. [36:39.3 – 36:42.2] The bank gave me a pension. [36:42.2 – 36:45.4] My father supplemented a bit. [36:45.4 – 36:54.6] And I went to live where and when and how I could. [36:54.6 – 36:58.6] Half of that two years is a sort of a dream world. [36:58.6 – 37:03.7] I'd learned by this time that there were all kinds of substitutes for alcohol. [37:03.7 – 37:13.3] I'd learned that you can drink paraldehyde, you can drink formaldehyde, you can drink essence of aniseed, you can drink bay rum and all of these various other things. [37:13.3 – 37:16.0] And they're an awful lot cheaper than alcohol. [37:16.0 – 37:18.3] I learned many things. [37:18.3 – 37:21.3] As I say, half that I remember, half I don't. [37:21.3 – 37:24.5] There's one thing I didn't know if it was true or not. [37:24.5 – 37:34.0] I remember going to a doctor who tried very hard to help me over the years and telling him that somebody had given me a white feather. [37:34.0 – 37:37.2] This was during the Second World War. [37:37.2 – 37:45.9] You know, I did have a paralyzed arm, but after a couple of beers, if I didn't have too many, I could use that just as well as the other one. [37:45.9 – 37:47.7] This was a wonderful excuse for drinking. [37:47.7 – 37:55.1] And so with the white feather, I went down to the recruiting office and I signed up. [37:55.1 – 38:01.6] And then the next day I phoned up Dory and said, well, they're taking me over across to the Jacques Heitzke barracks. [38:01.6 – 38:08.0] I'm going to join the army and I'll probably be killed and you'll be well rid of me and it'll be the best of everything for all of us concerned. [38:08.0 – 38:18.4] And so she was all frightened and she came down and they were loading us all on an army truck and I'm standing on the back, a great recruit, [38:18.4 – 38:20.5] waving goodbye after drink. [38:20.5 – 38:25.9] And I get over there and I go through the medical thing. [38:25.9 – 38:30.5] They strip everything off except my shoes and socks. [38:30.5 – 38:37.7] And I'd had a few drinks so my arm was all right and I got as far as the man who comes to examine your feet. [38:37.7 – 38:44.4] I'd been in another accident due to drinking when I'd been in Vancouver and lost the toes off one foot. [38:44.4 – 38:48.8] So when the man looked at that, he says, good God, we can't take you in the army. [38:48.8 – 38:50.5] You got no toes on that foot. [38:50.5 – 38:53.8] And I had visions then. [38:53.8 – 38:58.4] Maybe I wasn't going to get this and what would all these people say now? [38:58.4 – 39:02.8] And so I talked him into letting me go through the rest of it. [39:02.8 – 39:08.2] He said, well, maybe you can go down and work in Long Point in some desk job or something anyway. [39:08.2 – 39:14.7] So finally I come to a green baize curtain at the end. [39:14.7 – 39:21.0] And they pull this back and I'm to go in to see the man who was the psychiatrist. [39:21.0 – 39:27.0] He takes a look at me and he happened to be one of the staff doctors at the Verdun Protestant Hospital. [39:27.0 – 39:37.1] He said, "If you were the last man in Canada, I wouldn't [39:37.1 – 39:47.2] take you in this man's army." So I had to come out, and I had to say I wasn't going to save the [39:47.2 – 39:48.2] world anymore. [39:48.2 – 39:57.3] The end of that two years was in the bullpen in number one police station. [39:57.3 – 40:05.0] I'd been there a good many times before, but something was different this time. [40:05.0 – 40:08.9] I think I was what Bill calls deflated at depth. [40:08.9 – 40:14.1] There was absolutely no hope anymore. [40:14.1 – 40:16.9] There was nothing. [40:16.9 – 40:23.4] I don't think there's any loneliness, and the Alcoholics known will know what I mean. [40:23.4 – 40:27.3] I don't think there's any loneliness in the world like that. [40:27.3 – 40:28.9] Who can understand? [40:28.9 – 40:33.7] Who can, who can believe you when you tell them these things that you've done? [40:33.7 – 40:37.6] And who can understand that awful loneliness? [40:37.6 – 40:47.9] I was there for some unknown reason, and I like to think [40:47.9 – 40:54.4] that maybe it was the good Lord looking down and saying, "This poor guy has had enough. [40:54.4 – 41:04.4] I'm going to give him just one more chance, and if he'll take it, if he'll only take it, I'll help him." Maybe it [41:04.4 – 41:05.1] was what St. [41:05.1 – 41:15.2] Paul says that out of defeat comes victory because I was certainly finally defeated, but I didn't [41:15.2 – 41:17.3] believe that there was anything that I could do. [41:17.3 – 41:27.4] And then for some reason, I remembered a book, a book that I hadn't thought of for years, a book that my sister [41:27.4 – 41:29.9] had brought up to me when I'd been locked up in Verdun. [41:29.9 – 41:32.1] It was a book called Alcoholics Anonymous. [41:32.1 – 41:40.6] And that book had talked about drunks just like me who'd found a way to get sober. [41:40.6 – 41:48.0] They had their wives and their families, at least some of them. [41:48.0 – 41:57.0] They got up in the morning, and they went to work, and they kissed their wives goodbye, and they come home at night and read the paper, and they were just like ordinary people. [41:57.0 – 42:06.8] And I don't think there was anything in the world that I wanted more than that right then, and I hope it's what I want right now. [42:06.8 – 42:12.4] I got out of there on, it was an Easter weekend, on the Tuesday morning. [42:12.4 – 42:17.9] I got out to my father's place, who'd retired by this time out to Molson. [42:17.9 – 42:23.1] I asked him if I could get in touch with these Alcoholics Anonymous people. [42:23.1 – 42:33.2] And he said, "What have you got to lose?" And he financed me to a telephone call to what was then a very [42:33.2 – 42:36.8] small office down in New York City. [42:36.8 – 42:42.8] And I got hold of a girl eventually down there named Bobby. [42:42.8 – 42:47.9] And Bobby said, "I'm an alcoholic too. [42:47.9 – 42:57.9] There are a lot of us down here, and if you want help, we'll help you." I hope I never say, [42:57.9 – 43:04.3] forget to say that to anybody that I may be able to help. [43:04.3 – 43:07.0] It was something to me. [43:07.0 – 43:13.7] Here were these people five hundred miles away in a different country who understood. [43:13.7 – 43:20.1] And the next day, I got the two pamphlets of the day, and the day after that, I got the big book. [43:20.1 – 43:23.1] And do you know that girl? [43:23.1 – 43:23.9] She's dead now. [43:23.9 – 43:26.0] She became my sponsor, and God bless her. [43:26.0 – 43:36.4] She wrote me every single day a note, a memo, a letter, or something for nearly a year until [43:36.4 – 43:43.5] we had two or three more in the group in Montreal. [43:43.5 – 43:53.6] This really is one of the reasons why I try so hard to help General Service, because if [43:53.6 – 43:58.6] they hadn't been there, I don't know where I would have been. [43:58.6 – 44:05.5] It wasn't too long after that till Dory came back. [44:05.5 – 44:07.4] My father financed the flat. [44:07.4 – 44:12.8] And that's how I got into Alcoholics Anonymous. [44:12.8 – 44:23.4] I'd like here to give a little credit to the wives of alcoholics. [44:23.4 – 44:26.4] I doubt very much. [44:26.4 – 44:32.1] You know, you go to places, and people sometimes say what a great guy you are. [44:32.1 – 44:42.3] I doubt very much if I'd be here if it wasn't for the support and the trust [44:42.3 – 44:46.2] and the belief that Dory had in me. [44:46.2 – 44:56.0] She was the only one, I think, that used to say, "You can't help but say you can." Nobody else ever said that. [44:56.0 – 45:02.1] And she did, I think, as far as any non-alcoholic can understand. [45:02.1 – 45:09.4] She understood, and I think that helped me more than anything else. [45:09.4 – 45:17.7] I'm just going to take a few minutes. [45:17.7 – 45:20.0] I think I've gone over my time, haven't I, Marty? [45:20.0 – 45:31.6] I'm only going to take two or three more minutes to tell you of the tremendous rewards that [45:31.6 – 45:32.4] have come to me. [45:32.4 – 45:37.7] They've come to me through God and through Alcoholics Anonymous, really. [45:37.7 – 45:42.5] and not too much effort on my part. [45:42.5 – 45:55.2] My father, who I had spent all the money he ever had and left him in debt, when [45:55.2 – 46:05.2] he died, left me or did me the great honor or had the great faith in me of appointing me as [46:05.2 – 46:06.0] executor. [46:06.0 – 46:10.3] Now, he was one of these old-fashioned people that never talked too much about A.A. [46:10.3 – 46:19.0] He didn't really understand what it was all about, and he thought perhaps it wasn't quite the proper thing for me to be in, but, boy, he was so happy I was sober. [46:19.0 – 46:20.5] He never said very much about it. [46:20.5 – 46:30.5] But when I opened the safe, the old-fashioned safe in the country house up there, there was an envelope, and it had my name on the [46:30.5 – 46:31.2] outside. [46:31.2 – 46:34.8] And inside were all the clippings about A.A. [46:34.8 – 46:37.8] that had ever been, ever since I'd been in A.A. [46:37.8 – 46:41.5] And I felt that that was a tremendous reward. [46:41.5 – 46:51.4] There was a few years ago, my wife suddenly was stricken blind when we were in New York. [46:51.4 – 46:54.9] Nobody seemed able to help us. [46:54.9 – 47:00.6] There was a doctor from McGill and from Montreal that happened to be in the place where it was. [47:00.6 – 47:05.1] He didn't know that this might be a permanent thing. [47:05.1 – 47:15.2] And all of these various things that seemed to work so strangely, this doctor that had been in McGill happened to know one of the most famous eye surgeons [47:15.2 – 47:18.6] in Canada who you couldn't get an appointment with for a year. [47:18.6 – 47:21.7] He'd been a fraternity brother of his. [47:21.7 – 47:23.8] He phoned him up. [47:23.8 – 47:26.4] He said, certainly I'll see her. [47:26.4 – 47:28.5] Get her husband to drive her home. [47:28.5 – 47:31.3] And I did, and he saw her. [47:31.3 – 47:34.2] And he operated on both her eyes. [47:34.2 – 47:39.6] She didn't know that she might never see again. [47:39.6 – 47:48.7] So one night casually on up at the hospital she said, you know, the doctor took the bandages out today and I could see his fingers. [47:48.7 – 47:51.8] I said, girl, why didn't you tell me before? [47:51.8 – 47:54.7] But she didn't know. [47:54.7 – 48:00.3] That's another one of those things I'm so tremendously grateful for. [48:00.3 – 48:08.1] I sat just before I left here around a table in our own house. [48:08.1 – 48:12.8] And that same wife was sitting at the other end. [48:12.8 – 48:23.9] That little boy Bill that might have turned out so badly, 25 now, he [48:23.9 – 48:27.2] has married a lovely girl. [48:27.2 – 48:29.1] We all love her. [48:29.1 – 48:34.9] My grandson's in the basket sort of thing behind me. [48:34.9 – 48:37.4] And my two little A.A. [48:37.4 – 48:44.0] dividends, Mary who's 16 and Paul who's 10. [48:44.0 – 48:52.5] And sometimes I look out over things like that and I say, what wonders hath God wrought. [48:52.5 – 48:55.0] And that's why I have a prayer. [48:55.0 – 48:59.5] God give me a grateful heart. [48:59.5 – 49:04.4] And I'm going to close with one of my most favorite poems. [49:04.4 – 49:07.1] Probably all of you have heard it. [49:07.1 – 49:09.0] It was written by an New England poet. [49:09.0 – 49:16.6] It says, I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year, give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown. [49:16.6 – 49:23.9] And he replied, go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. [49:23.9 – 49:29.2] For that shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way. [49:29.2 – 49:31.7] I thought that was the end of it. [49:31.7 – 49:40.9] Until my son Bill, who gets a little irritated at the misquotations I'm always making, gave me a copy of Bartlett's Quotations. [49:40.9 – 49:43.8] And that was the first thing I looked up. [49:43.8 – 49:46.2] And there's something more in it. [49:46.2 – 49:55.0] And it's something I think that applies a little more to those of us who've been around for some time in A.A. [49:55.0 – 49:59.2] Because it says, so I went forth. [49:59.2 – 50:03.2] And finding the hand of God, trod gladly into the light. [50:03.2 – 50:08.8] And he led me toward the hills and the breaking of the day in the lone east. [50:08.8 – 50:10.4] And it