Transcript

[00:00.2 – 00:01.8] This is a very simple program. [00:01.8 – 00:03.0] This is how it works. [00:03.0 – 00:12.9] Now, uh, now comes that great big moment, and, uh, I, I was sitting there thinking, "Now, uh, how, how am I gonna put over this punchline? [00:12.9 – 00:14.5] How am I gonna build this guy up? [00:14.5 – 00:19.5] Shall I build his ego up, or shall I, I, I say something that's gonna make him feel very humble? [00:19.5 – 00:29.5] Shall I take his inventory and tell you now what he was like and what happened and what he's like now a- and, and steal his stuff, [00:29.5 – 00:39.4] you know?" And, uh, then it says, uh, each one has his own story to tell you. [00:39.4 – 00:49.6] And this fellow, when I, I, very much of a fledgling and nibbling at this new way of life, [00:49.6 – 00:54.7] he took time out many years ago to help carry this message. [00:54.7 – 01:05.2] And something that he told me made me reach out and want to grab a little bit more of the spiritual [01:05.2 – 01:06.2] food. [01:06.2 – 01:14.3] And I want you to sit tonight and listen and digest the spiritual food that Ben W. [01:14.3 – 01:16.6] tonight has to offer to you. [01:16.6 – 01:17.7] Ben W. [01:17.7 – 01:30.2] Thank [01:30.2 – 01:30.4] you. [01:30.4 – 01:31.7] Thank you. [01:31.7 – 01:33.6] Thank you for that beautiful introduction, Mr. [01:33.6 – 01:34.4] Chairman. [01:34.4 – 01:45.6] First, I want to thank you people for giving me the privilege of coming to your great city and [01:45.6 – 01:55.8] affording me the opportunity to tell you what I was like, what happened, and what I'm like today as [01:55.8 – 02:02.9] a result of being an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous. [02:02.9 – 02:12.9] I was quite flattered, and I was quite honored when the directors of this [02:12.9 – 02:17.8] conference asked me to come up here and speak to them. [02:17.8 – 02:24.1] But that isn't my primary purpose in being here. [02:24.1 – 02:34.5] My primary purpose in being here, ladies and gentlemen, as it is in all AA meetings, is in the hopes [02:34.5 – 02:44.5] that I may say something to someone who has contacted Alcoholics [02:44.5 – 02:55.0] Anonymous for the first time, who is in the same state of mental and moral confusion as [02:55.0 – 02:57.2] I was when I came to my first meeting. [02:57.2 – 03:07.3] I always come to these meetings, and when I am speaking, I am [03:07.3 – 03:19.0] always hoping that I may say something to that confused, that lonely, that frustrated individual that [03:19.0 – 03:30.4] will set their foot upon the path of this beautiful sobriety and this beautiful peace and [03:30.4 – 03:41.6] this beautiful serenity that can be found as a result of being an active participant in [03:41.6 – 03:42.7] this wonderful program. [03:42.7 – 03:48.0] And I always feel inadequate. [03:48.0 – 03:59.0] I always feel that I'm not worthy of the task because I [03:59.0 – 04:09.3] picture that individual as I pictured myself when I came to my first meeting of Alcoholics [04:09.3 – 04:18.7] Anonymous: frustrated, friendless, desperate, and alone. [04:18.7 – 04:30.6] And how frustrated, how let down I felt after [04:30.6 – 04:36.8] my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, how determined I was never to come back. [04:36.8 – 04:41.9] I felt that you people had misrepresented yourselves to me. [04:41.9 – 04:52.0] I said, "Now, here is a group of people." They knew how desperate I was because from the bits of their stories they told [04:52.0 – 05:01.5] me, they knew how serious my condition was, and yet they assured me that I had found the place to save my life. [05:01.5 – 05:10.7] Because when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, ladies and gentlemen, it had become a question for me: to drink was to die. [05:10.7 – 05:21.5] And after all of these assurance that they'd given me before the meeting, and after I'd heard the solution to the problem, I [05:21.5 – 05:24.3] felt that you people had misrepresented yourselves to me. [05:24.3 – 05:35.4] I was so nauseated, was my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, that [05:35.4 – 05:42.7] it was only out of respect for people's religious convictions that kept me from walking out in the middles of the, middle of the Lord's Prayer. [05:42.7 – 05:52.8] That is how disappointed I was when I came to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, as I always have [05:52.8 – 06:03.1] the feeling that somebody who comes here for the first time has the same feeling that I had, and they will go away, and [06:03.1 – 06:08.0] they'll never come back, and they'll never find this wonderful thing. [06:08.0 – 06:18.7] The only thing that kept me from coming, kept me coming back to Alcoholics Anonymous is because [06:18.7 – 06:20.9] it was in a fit of desperation. [06:20.9 – 06:30.9] I came back to my second meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, not because I wanted to, not because I thought you had a solution to my problem. [06:30.9 – 06:34.9] I came back because I was afraid not to come. [06:34.9 – 06:45.1] And so because I had that mental feeling, because I was in that state of mind, [06:45.1 – 06:55.5] I feel so inadequate because I think that there's somebody in here that I can't adequately, adequately describe [06:55.5 – 07:06.2] what can be found in AA, and that lady or that gentleman might walk away and miss the most wonderful opportunity for [07:06.2 – 07:09.8] sobriety and peace that they have ever had. [07:09.8 – 07:19.9] So that is my primary purpose in being here tonight, is to carry the message [07:19.9 – 07:27.7] to somebody who might be coming here for their first or second time. [07:27.7 – 07:37.8] Somebody who has drifted along the way they know not, searching and seeking some way to break those [07:37.8 – 07:41.5] bonds, those alcoholic bonds, and set themselves free. [07:41.5 – 07:51.8] I can assure you, as they assured me when I came to my first meeting, if you are a true alcoholic [07:51.8 – 07:55.4] as I am, then you've come to the right place. [07:55.4 – 08:06.9] If you believe nothing that I have said here tonight, or if I don't convince any of you of [08:06.9 – 08:16.9] the wonderful things that can be found in AA, I don't want you to feel that my time is wasted, or I don't want you [08:16.9 – 08:19.8] to feel a sense of guilt that you've let me down. [08:19.8 – 08:27.7] Because you have done me a favor by simply coming here and listening to my story. [08:27.7 – 08:36.8] Because I always carry a message to Ben Wise every time I speak in one of these meetings. [08:36.8 – 08:47.4] Because by you being kind enough to come and listen to me, I have an opportunity to think out loud [08:47.4 – 08:57.4] and tell me what I was like, to tell me what happened, and tell me what I am like today as a [08:57.4 – 09:01.0] be– as a result of being an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous. [09:01.0 – 09:08.3] And tell me, remind me of the things that I must keep on doing to stay like I am. [09:08.3 – 09:15.7] I am not one of those people that has anything against alcohol. [09:15.7 – 09:23.7] I drank for twenty-seven le- years, and I loved every one of those twenty-seven years. [09:23.7 – 09:32.4] And when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't come to Alcoholics Anonymous to find a way to stop drinking. [09:32.4 – 09:42.6] I came to Alcoholics Anonymous to learn the way to drink like I used to drink my first twelve or thirteen years before [09:42.6 – 09:43.6] I lost control. [09:43.6 – 09:53.8] And I figured if there was any way that I could have kept on living, ladies and gentlemen, [09:53.8 – 09:56.8] and kept on drinking, I would have never given up alcohol. [09:56.8 – 10:07.3] So to those of you who may be here for the first time and new on the program, I don't want you to get the idea that I am on a sawdust [10:07.3 – 10:11.5] trail or that I want everybody to stop drinking. [10:11.5 – 10:21.2] The best job I ever had as when I became a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, I was working in a liquor store. [10:21.2 – 10:31.6] And for ten years, I got a great deal of pleasure out of handling, handing a bottle of alcohol [10:31.6 – 10:32.4] over the counter. [10:32.4 – 10:42.6] Because I felt, since I knew the great pleasure and the feeling of fellowship and camaraderie, [10:42.6 – 10:52.8] camaraderie that a person feels at the effect of alcohol, when I'd hand that bottle of alcohol across the counter, I would feel that I was, in my small [10:52.8 – 10:56.6] way, adding to the sum total of the happiness of the world. [10:56.6 – 11:08.3] And [11:08.3 – 11:10.4] so I have nothing against alcohol. [11:10.4 – 11:20.4] The most wonderful feeling of satisfaction that I ever had, [11:20.4 – 11:29.6] the most wonderful discovery I think I felt that I had ever made, was at the age of fourteen when I discovered the effects of alcohol. [11:29.6 – 11:39.9] This was the most satisfying experience that I had ever had because all at once, the effect [11:39.9 – 11:46.5] of that alcohol made me momentarily become all of the things I always wanted to become. [11:46.5 – 11:49.1] It made me feel happy. [11:49.1 – 11:51.3] It made me feel peaceful. [11:51.3 – 11:53.4] It made me feel secure. [11:53.4 – 12:02.6] It made me experience all of those wonderful emotions that any human being, all human beings are seeking for. [12:02.6 – 12:14.6] And so I deliberately, not by accident, I deliberately adopted alcohol as a way of life, and [12:14.6 – 12:17.3] I pursued it right to the gates of insanity and death. [12:17.3 – 12:27.4] I was having a wonderful time with alcohol for my first twelve or thirteen years of so-called controlled [12:27.4 – 12:28.1] drinking. [12:28.1 – 12:38.7] It was only that latter twelve or thirteen years when I moved from a, that thin line of a controlled to an uncontrolled drinker, when [12:38.7 – 12:48.9] I began to go to jail as a common drunk, when I began to black out and have to go around apologizing to my friends for my revolting and shameful conduct of the day before. [12:48.9 – 12:53.7] It was then, ladies and gentlemen, that I became disturbed. [12:53.7 – 12:59.9] It was then that I began to search around to find a solution to my problem. [12:59.9 – 13:09.9] You see, I'd always said that anybody who drank and couldn't conduct themselves as ladies and gentlemen, there was something inherently bad, there was something [13:09.9 – 13:11.3] morally low about them. [13:11.3 – 13:21.3] And that day in 1935, when I had my first blackouts, and my friend was describing to me [13:21.3 – 13:31.8] the next day the type of drinking individual I had be-become, the type of individual that I'd always said, "When drinking makes me do a thing like that, then I'll give it up," it [13:31.8 – 13:36.9] was then, ladies and gentlemen, that I took steps to solve my alcoholic problem. [13:36.9 – 13:40.4] And what step did I take? [13:40.4 – 13:48.7] I took the step that I said I would always take, that when alcohol does me that way, then there's nothing for me to do but give it up. [13:48.7 – 13:50.8] And so I gave up alcohol entirely. [13:50.8 – 13:58.5] This resolution lasted about, oh, four or five days. [13:58.5 – 14:09.1] And after four or five days, I began to reflect. [14:09.1 – 14:18.5] And then I realized that making up your mind to stop drinking is very easy to do, a easy thing to do. [14:18.5 – 14:22.9] Uh, uh, but, but it is very difficult in its execution. [14:22.9 – 14:25.7] I began to get those headaches. [14:25.7 – 14:27.0] I began to get irritable. [14:27.0 – 14:29.7] I began to get cramps in my stomach. [14:29.7 – 14:39.8] And then I said, "Now, Ben, why take such a drastic step?" After all, you've only made one bad [14:39.8 – 14:40.4] step. [14:40.4 – 14:44.9] You've apologized to your friends, and they realize that wasn't the real you. [14:44.9 – 14:52.8] And so then I began to try to inquire around and find out another solution. [14:52.8 – 14:59.5] And I ran across a friend of mine, drinking buddy, who had had a similar problem. [14:59.5 – 15:05.9] And I discussed my problem with him, and he looked at me understandingly and knowingly. [15:05.9 – 15:16.0] He says, "What do you drink, Ben?" I said, "Well, I drink straight whiskey." He says, "Uh-huh." He says, "Well, I know what your problem [15:16.0 – 15:26.1] is." He said, "Now, you see, you're about the same size as I am." I says, "Yes." Said, "We're little men." I said, "Yeah." He [15:26.1 – 15:28.3] says, "I used to have your same problem. [15:28.3 – 15:34.8] You see, little men like us can't drink straight whiskey because it tears us up inside and it drives us crazy. [15:34.8 – 15:41.5] I used to have the same problem, and so I finally had to give up straight whiskey. [15:41.5 – 15:53.0] Now all I drink is wine." Now, [15:53.0 – 15:56.2] as a matter of fact, wine was always my favorite drink. [15:56.2 – 16:06.5] But since Prohibition had been abolished and wine had become so inexpensive, it had picked up a bad reputation, [16:06.5 – 16:10.1] and I didn't want people to see me drinking wine openly. [16:10.1 – 16:19.1] And so I inquired with, to my friend, I inquired whether, uh, beer would be all right. [16:19.1 – 16:19.6] He said, "Yes. [16:19.6 – 16:24.7] So long as just don't drink any straight whiskey." And so then I took my second step on my road to recovery. [16:24.7 – 16:27.5] I switched from straight whiskey to beer. [16:27.5 – 16:33.4] And this continued for several months. [16:33.4 – 16:35.8] I didn't have any blackouts. [16:35.8 – 16:36.7] I had no trouble. [16:36.7 – 16:37.8] My problem was solved. [16:37.8 – 16:38.5] I was happy. [16:38.5 – 16:48.5] After this had continued for about seven months, I had been drinking off and on all day on an Easter Sunday. [16:48.5 – 16:51.0] I'd had a wonderful time. [16:51.0 – 16:54.8] I'd kept a nice feeling. [16:54.8 – 16:58.6] And about nine o'clock, I said, "Well, Ben, you've had a good day, and you haven't had any trouble. [16:58.6 – 17:03.5] Why don't you quit while you're ahead?" And so I decided to go home. [17:03.5 – 17:13.2] And on my way home, I decided to stop by and have a nightcap at my favorite bar. [17:13.2 – 17:23.2] And so I went into this bar feeling perfectly sober, in complete control of all of my mental facilities, [17:23.2 – 17:26.4] and I ordered my usual bottle of beer. [17:26.4 – 17:33.2] And as I sat there and began to drink this beer, this is the last thing I remember. [17:33.2 – 17:44.4] And when I came to, I found myself on the other side of town in my bed, and [17:44.4 – 17:53.4] this was the first time that I'd had that shocking experience of realizing that I had operated a motor vehicle in a complete blackout. [17:53.4 – 18:03.5] And my mind momentarily flashed back, and I remembered on the way home, during the course of that drive, [18:03.5 – 18:07.9] I hit some blunt object with a terrific impact. [18:07.9 – 18:13.5] And to this day, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know whether that was a lamppost. [18:13.5 – 18:17.5] I don't know whether it was a, uh, fire plug. [18:17.5 – 18:20.3] I don't know whether it was another human being. [18:20.3 – 18:24.3] This was a frightening experience. [18:24.3 – 18:34.4] I don't know whether if any of you have ever had this particular experience, but if you have, then you know what I mean when I [18:34.4 – 18:42.7] say for the last twelve or thirteen years of my drinking life, I lived in constant fear of violent and sudden death. [18:42.7 – 18:52.9] I don't know whether I maimed or crippled or killed a human being during these last twelve or thirteen troublesome years, but every time [18:52.9 – 18:53.8] I picked up a newspaper [18:54.0 – 19:04.0] and read where some fellow human being had been maimed, crippled, or killed as a result of a drunk driver, I would say, "There but by the grace of God, go I." So you [19:04.0 – 19:09.3] see, ladies and gentlemen, when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, my situation was a desperate one. [19:09.3 – 19:17.7] I had become convinced that any drink now would be my last drink, and I didn't want to die that way. [19:17.7 – 19:27.9] But I still wouldn't have found this wonderful program had I known what your solution was, that [19:27.9 – 19:33.8] it meant complete abstinence from alcohol, because alcohol had become a way of life with me. [19:33.8 – 19:42.2] And I can remember after this first frightening experience, I consulted a medical man for the first time. [19:42.2 – 19:52.1] But up until that time, I was reading everything about alcohol and its effect on the human mind in an effort to effect a self-cure. [19:52.1 – 19:58.2] I wouldn't convey this to anybody because it was something that I was ashamed of. [19:58.2 – 20:08.3] I was hoping that I could read something whereby I could cure myself before the world found out what type of drinking individual I had become. [20:08.3 – 20:18.3] But after this first frightening experience with an automobile, I decided to seek outside help, and so I went [20:18.3 – 20:19.2] to my doctor. [20:19.2 – 20:29.2] And this reminds me, the way I did with my doctor gives me an [20:29.2 – 20:35.7] insight into why al- why doctors don't have much experience with we alcoholics. [20:35.7 – 20:45.1] We are inveterate liars, and we not only won't tell our doctor the truth, we won't tell anybody the truth. [20:45.1 – 20:55.1] Now, I realize that in order for a doctor to treat his patients, he treats him based upon the [20:55.1 – 20:56.1] diagnosis. [20:56.1 – 21:02.8] Part of the diagnosis, he goes on the supposition that his patient is going to tell him the truth. [21:02.8 – 21:06.2] But an alcoholic won't do that. [21:06.2 – 21:10.3] And of course, me being an alcoholic, I was no different. [21:10.3 – 21:12.3] Now, here I'm desperate. [21:12.3 – 21:13.7] I want to save my life. [21:13.7 – 21:18.4] But when I went and consulted the doctor, you know what I said to the doctor? [21:18.4 – 21:28.1] I says, "Doctor, I want you to give me something for a nervous condition." I says, "You know, I'm a railroad man, and I ride very fast trains. [21:28.1 – 21:36.9] I'm a waiter, and I notice several times going around those curves at 80 miles an hour, I almost dump hot coffee on the, a passenger. [21:36.9 – 21:46.8] I've got to do something about my nerves or I'll lose my job." And so the doctor was writing out the prescription for my nerves. [21:46.8 – 21:53.9] And then I said to him, I said, "Oh, incidentally, too, Doctor- … [21:53.9 – 21:57.5] you know, a strange thing happened to me a few days ago. [21:57.5 – 22:04.4] I was drinking, and all of a sudden, about 24 hours passed, and I don't know anything about it. [22:04.4 – 22:17.0] Uh, give me something for that, too, while you're at it." And [22:17.0 – 22:28.2] so the doctor said to me, he said, "Well, I can give you something temporarily for your nerves, but now about that other condition, I don't have anything to give you." I [22:28.2 – 22:30.2] says, "What do you mean, Doc?" He said, "Well, you're burned out. [22:30.2 – 22:40.7] You've been drinking too much." I says, "Well, uh, explain it to me." He said, "Well, you know, the body is so constituted that it has, uh, [22:40.7 – 22:49.2] uh, what you might call gauges for everything to keep the human body from doing anything in e- in excess that will hurt the body. [22:49.2 – 22:54.8] When you eat enough food, then this gauge works, and then you don't eat anymore. [22:54.8 – 22:59.3] Uh, when you drink water, the gauge works, and you don't want any more water. [22:59.3 – 23:03.0] And for all the things that go into your body, there's a gauge that lets you know. [23:03.0 – 23:13.1] Now, you used to have a, a drinking gauge, and you noticed that when you con- your body consumed all the alcohol it was good for, you would throw it up, you'd get a headache, you'd go [23:13.1 – 23:24.2] to sleep, or something would happen, you wouldn't consume anymore." He said, "Well, now, in your case, that gauge has been burned out." "So [23:24.2 – 23:34.4] now here's your prescription for your nerves, and on that other, my advice to you is to stop drinking." Well, obviously, [23:34.4 – 23:36.2] the good doctor wasn't an alcoholic. [23:36.2 – 23:39.3] As a matter of fact, I thought he was a little mad. [23:39.3 – 23:49.4] He's saying to me, "All you have to do to solve your alcoholic problem is to stop drinking." He might [23:49.4 – 23:59.4] as well have said to me, "Then all you have to do to solve your alcoholic problem is simply hold your breath the rest of your life, or stop eating." Well, [23:59.4 – 24:08.3] even eating wouldn't be so bad because during those years when I had money and it was a question of whether I should eat or whether I should drink, I could always dispense with the food. [24:08.3 – 24:18.5] And so of course, I, for the first time, I said the doctor didn't know what he was talking [24:18.5 – 24:18.9] about. [24:18.9 – 24:28.9] And so I continued on, trying to find some way, seeking that will-o'-the-wisp, trying to find some way to drink like I [24:28.9 – 24:31.4] did the last 12 or 13 years before. [24:31.4 – 24:38.2] And alcoholism being a progressive disease, my condition always got worse. [24:38.2 – 24:40.4] I began to have more and more trouble. [24:40.4 – 24:50.7] About two years before I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, I was working as a waiter out at, uh, at, at a, a very exclusive country [24:50.7 – 24:53.3] club in Los Angeles. [24:53.3 – 25:01.4] And I'd gotten drunk on the job and had to stay away six days on my drunk and then four days sick, and then I came back and I went down in the locker room. [25:01.4 – 25:11.4] And I saw my fellow waiters shaking their heads and saying the same old thing, "Ben, if you don't do something about your drinking, something very [25:11.4 – 25:18.8] serious is going to happen to you." I had been hearing this, ladies and gentlemen, for the last 10 or 12 years of my drinking life. [25:18.8 – 25:25.2] I said, "What is it this time?" So my fellow waiters spoke up and he says, "Oh, nothing. [25:25.2 – 25:31.9] Just when you left here the other day drunk, that you almost ran down Mr. [25:31.9 – 25:42.1] So-and-So's wife, a member of the club." She came into the club and fainted, and everybody was looking for the waiter that had almost [25:42.1 – 25:43.2] ran down Mr. [25:43.2 – 25:48.8] So-and-So's wife, and they asked her, "Who was he?" And she said, "I've never seen him before. [25:48.8 – 25:58.9] He looked like a madman." Says, "I stepped out of my car," and just as I stepped out of my car, this car came around and whirled around and it almost ran me [25:58.9 – 25:59.2] down. [25:59.2 – 26:07.2] Now, I was trying to, apparently I was trying to get out of the, the, the exit to the parking lot. [26:07.2 – 26:09.1] Now, it was about as wide as this stage. [26:09.1 – 26:15.0] But it appears that I kept going round and around, round and around. [26:15.0 – 26:16.4] I couldn't find this opening. [26:16.4 – 26:21.9] And so she said I came so close to her she was petrified. [26:21.9 – 26:23.0] She was afraid to move. [26:23.0 – 26:24.5] She was afraid I'd run her down. [26:24.5 – 26:28.5] She said she'd never seen me before. [26:28.5 – 26:30.6] This man looked like he was crazy. [26:30.6 – 26:34.8] As a matter of fact, that lady had seen me, she and her husband, had seen me many times. [26:34.8 – 26:35.8] I'd waited on them. [26:35.8 – 26:38.6] They liked me very much. [26:38.6 – 26:43.4] But since I've been a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, I realize the lady was telling the truth. [26:43.4 – 26:53.1] She has seen Ben Wyatt many times sober, but she's never seen Ben Wyatt, the insane, raving, maniac alcohol. [26:53.1 – 27:00.5] It is a form of insanity induced by the excessive use of alcohol, but I didn't know these things. [27:00.5 – 27:10.9] And so when they told me this horrible tale, I rushed upstairs to the locker room where a very famous doctor, [27:10.9 – 27:15.5] who was a member of the club I knew, he changed his clothes to go and play golf that morning. [27:15.5 – 27:20.2] And so I rushed up to this doctor and I says, "Doctor, I don't want you to think me presumptuous. [27:20.2 – 27:25.1] I have no money to pay a great medical man like you, but I'm in deep trouble. [27:25.1 – 27:28.0] Alcohol is interfering with my home life. [27:28.0 – 27:30.9] Alcohol is interfering with my ability to make my living. [27:30.9 – 27:36.2] I seem to be caught in the grips of something that is malignant, that is slowly but surely destroying me. [27:36.2 – 27:37.4] I want you to help me. [27:37.4 – 27:47.5] I want you to direct me to some place where I can find a way to save my life, because I know that if I continue down the road that alcohol is leading me, I know that I will surely [27:47.5 – 27:50.9] die." And you know what this great medical man said to me? [27:50.9 – 27:55.2] He says, "I wished I could help you, and I sympathize with you. [27:55.2 – 27:59.7] You're afflicted with what we call acute alcoholism. [27:59.7 – 28:04.3] This, so far, is a malignant and incurable disease. [28:04.3 – 28:10.3] There's nothing in medical experience that has thus far found an answer to your problem. [28:10.3 – 28:12.0] You know Mr. [28:12.0 – 28:13.1] So-and-So-and-So. [28:13.1 – 28:14.9] He's a prominent member of the club. [28:14.9 – 28:18.2] You know that man's worth over $20 million. [28:18.2 – 28:19.6] He's well-liked by everybody. [28:19.6 – 28:25.6] Yet you know what happened a couple of years ago down in front of the Beverly Wilshire when he ran down that elderly couple. [28:25.6 – 28:28.3] He's suffering the same as you are. [28:28.3 – 28:30.8] He wants to do something with his problem. [28:30.8 – 28:36.6] Do you think that if there was any answer, this man with all of this wealth and prestige and power would go on suffering? [28:36.6 – 28:44.5] No, there's no answer." Now, I believed this medical man absolutely because I had no reason to question medical science. [28:44.5 – 28:54.6] He was telling me, in effect, "Ben, you will die a violent and a sudden death one of these times when you're drunk behind the steering wheel of your automobile because you're incurable." [28:54.6 – 28:56.1] But yet I kept on struggling. [28:56.1 – 29:05.9] I kept on fighting, hoping against hope that some way, somehow, in spite of what the great medical man had said, that I would save my life before it was too late. [29:05.9 – 29:16.0] And about two years later, I awoke from a drunken stupor and found myself [29:16.0 – 29:21.5] prostrate in the back of a strange automobile, my pockets turned inside out, and all of my valuables gone. [29:21.5 – 29:30.4] Now, this has been happening to me with such monotonous regularity during the last 10 to 12 years of my life, I should have gotten used to it. [29:30.4 – 29:40.5] But there are two things that always humiliated me and embarrassed me, and that was to wake up in the drunk [29:40.5 – 29:46.6] tank in the stinking jail and to wake up and find somebody had rifled my pockets and I didn't know who did it. [29:46.6 – 29:51.5] And this would always renew my determination to do something about my problem. [29:51.5 – 29:59.5] And so this morning as I lay there, I said, "Where shall I go now? [29:59.5 – 30:00.8] What shall I try next? [30:00.8 – 30:11.2] I've got to find a way out." And I thought about some advice that a lawyer friend of mine had given me about a year before. [30:11.2 – 30:20.0] Now, he and I had something in common because he was my lawyer, and he loved to drink, and I loved to drink. [30:20.0 – 30:30.1] Now, the scale that I liked to drink on, it cost more money than I was able to make honestly, and consequently, I was [30:30.1 – 30:36.4] always doing something that the law enforcement officers frowned on, and consequently, I always had to have me a lawyer. [30:36.4 – 30:46.4] And this morning he was sitting in his [30:46.4 – 30:51.4] house, sitting out a suspension for excessive drinking. [30:51.4 – 30:54.1] I had lost my job for excessive drinking. [30:54.1 – 31:00.8] His wife had sued him for divorce and left town, and my wife had sued me for divorce. [31:00.8 – 31:09.2] And so I was coming over to sympathize with him told him what a wonderful man he was. [31:09.2 – 31:19.8] After all he's done for his wife, she leaves him just in the time of need, and then he reciprocated by telling me what a wonderful man I was and how unappreciative [31:19.8 – 31:20.8] my wife was. [31:20.8 – 31:25.9] And of course, I brought him a half a pint of Hill & Hill whiskey. [31:25.9 – 31:34.5] And we were discussing this over this half a pint of whiskey, and finally the subject of the a- problem of alcoholism came up. [31:34.5 – 31:44.6] And so I said to him, I said, "Counsel, it seems to me that medical science should have advanced to the point where it could help people like us who seem to have a little trouble with alcohol." [31:44.6 – 31:48.0] He says, "You know, Ben, I've given that a lot of thought. [31:48.0 – 31:58.3] You know, I've been having a little trouble with alcohol since 1927 when I was a senior in law school." He says, "And after I got out of law school and went into practice, [31:58.3 – 32:00.8] you see all of the trouble that I've had. [32:00.8 – 32:08.5] About half of my time, I have been robbed of the privilege of practicing the profession I love on account of alcohol." He says, "I've tried everything. [32:08.5 – 32:18.5] They spent money on every cure that they've, uh, suggested to me, but nothing seems to help." And so then I began to tell him about the various ways [32:18.5 – 32:23.0] that, uh, things that I'd read about in these articles about how they solved the problem. [32:23.0 – 32:30.6] We discussed these, and I guess I must have said something about Alcoholics Anonymous because I think I read something about it during the time I was trying to find this self-cure. [32:30.6 – 32:33.8] Because I remember saying to him, I said, "Well, now listen, Counsel. [32:33.8 – 32:38.6] They tell me there's an outfit called Alcoholics Anonymous that is supposed to help people. [32:38.6 – 32:48.6] What do you think of it?" And much to my surprise, he said, "Why, Ben, it is very good." I said, "Well, how do you know?" He said, "Well, I was one of the original members." "In the Los Angeles area." [32:48.6 – 32:50.3] I says, "Well, do tell." He says, "Oh, yes. [32:50.3 – 33:00.5] You remember the time when I was drinking with that client there in the office, and when I come to, this client had disappeared with $500 of another client's [33:00.5 – 33:04.0] money, and she was threatening to send me to jail and get me disbarred. [33:04.0 – 33:11.3] And you remember my friends all got together and quieted her down and paid her money back, and I stopped drinking?" I said, "Yes, but I just thought she was afraid." He said, "Oh, no. [33:11.3 – 33:17.0] They took me to Alcoholics Anonymous the next night." And says, "You notice my wife came back to me. [33:17.0 – 33:18.4] You notice my business picked up. [33:18.4 – 33:28.6] You notice I was doing so much business I, I had to hire those three lawyers, and I bought the 1942 Buick." I says, "Yes." Now, see, now I'm not thinking about my alcoholic problem. [33:28.6 – 33:31.8] I'm thinking about the economic advantage. [33:31.8 – 33:39.1] You see, you can always sell me a proposition where you can show me where there's some economic advantage in it for me. [33:39.1 – 33:47.2] See, I never was the type of fellow that fee- felt that there was anything noble or wonderful about doing without these material things of life. [33:47.2 – 33:50.4] I wasn't that way then, I'm not that, that way now. [33:50.4 – 33:56.8] When you see me doing without material substance, then you can say, "Well, Ben is just at a stage where he's trying to get it. [33:56.8 – 34:06.8] He's not satisfied." And so when he was telling me about all of these economic gains, I was thinking about coming to Alcoholics Anonymous and killing two [34:06.8 – 34:07.8] birds with one stone. [34:07.8 – 34:13.1] I would raise my economic level, and I would solve my alcoholic problem at the same time. [34:13.1 – 34:21.2] And so we begin to drink there, and finally he said, "Now listen, Ben. [34:21.2 – 34:25.8] Now let me just a moment." He says, "You're not drinking this booze right. [34:25.8 – 34:28.5] Now you pour this jigger of whiskey." I poured it. [34:28.5 – 34:30.9] He said, "Now you look at your watch." I looked at my watch. [34:30.9 – 34:40.4] He says, "Now you take at least a half hour before you finish that drink." He says, "And from now on, when you take a drink, always look at your watch first. [34:40.4 – 34:50.6] Always take a half hour before you take a jigger, and you'll never have any more trouble with alcohol." "This," he says, [34:50.6 – 35:02.0] "is the way we do it in Alcoholics Anonymous." And [35:02.0 – 35:09.2] so for about a year before I came among you wonderful people, I was under the impression that I was working your program. [35:09.2 – 35:14.5] Of course, I had the same problems, only more so. [35:14.5 – 35:16.5] I went to jail just as often. [35:16.5 – 35:19.2] My wife took me to divorce court just as often. [35:19.2 – 35:22.4] But I never lost faith in the program. [35:22.4 – 35:29.6] When I would wake up in Lincoln Heights Jail or wind up in divorce court, I wouldn't blame the program. [35:29.6 – 35:43.9] I said, "Well, somewhere along the line, I took less than the required half hour before I took one of those drinks." And [35:43.9 – 35:54.3] so when I awoke from this drunken stupor, and when I found myself in that prostrate, prostrate, uh, position that I described, uh, before, I [35:54.3 – 35:55.7] said, "Where shall I go now? [35:55.7 – 36:05.8] What shall I try next?" And I remembered the words of my friend, the attorney, a man whose opinions I always respected very highly, and I still do: "Alcoholics [36:05.8 – 36:12.2] Anonymous, it is very good." And so I made the decision then to try AA. [36:12.2 – 36:14.1] Now, I didn't know anything about sponsors. [36:14.1 – 36:15.8] I didn't know anything about the central office. [36:15.8 – 36:25.9] I didn't know that all I had to do was make a simple telephone call, and that there were thousands upon thousands of people who had recovered who would go to any length [36:25.9 – 36:29.9] to help me with my problem if I was honest and sincere in my desire. [36:29.9 – 36:31.8] I didn't know these things, ladies and gentlemen. [36:31.8 – 36:34.8] I only knew that any drink now would be my last drink. [36:34.8 – 36:37.0] I only knew that for me to drink was to die. [36:37.0 – 36:47.0] And so I searched around until I found out where a meeting was, and I went to my first AA meeting unsponsored and alone. [36:47.0 – 36:53.0] And I got a wonderful feeling when I walked into the door. [36:53.0 – 36:58.6] A well-dressed, sober, pleasant fellow walked up and says, "My name is such and such. [36:58.6 – 36:59.6] I'm an alcoholic. [36:59.6 – 37:00.9] Welcome to AA. [37:00.9 – 37:11.1] If you have an alcoholic problem, you have come to the right place." This gave me a warm and a wonderful feeling because this was the first [37:11.1 – 37:21.1] time since alcohol had become an acute problem with me that any human being had looked at me with eyes of understanding rather than eyes of [37:21.1 – 37:24.3] condemnation and criticism, and this made me feel wonderful. [37:24.3 – 37:34.3] And then he began to tell me a little something about his past life, and I could tell by the nature of his story that he had suffered as I was then [37:34.3 – 37:34.9] suffering. [37:34.9 – 37:43.7] Then he'd say, "And then I came to AA, and I have been sober for such and such a number of years." And I felt hopeful. [37:43.7 – 37:47.6] I said, "I've found a way to save my life." I talked to several pe- [37:47.8 – 37:51.4] And they all assured me they were hope, they were sober, they were happy. [37:51.4 – 37:55.0] And I said, "Well, what is, uh, how do you get cured here? [37:55.0 – 38:05.0] What is the solution?" Says, "Oh, we just follow 12 steps." I said, "Now, what are these 12 steps?" "Well, first you admit you're powerless over alcohol, and your life [38:05.0 – 38:14.5] has become unmanageable." Now, in my case, I was a member of AA for two years, and then I got drunk, and I stayed drunk for nine months. [38:14.5 – 38:15.7] And you know what I realized? [38:15.7 – 38:17.3] I hadn't taken that first step. [38:17.3 – 38:27.5] Then instead of going on to tell me what he was like, what happened, and how he got cured, he wanted to go back and tell me every revolting thing he [38:27.5 – 38:29.9] ever did during that nine months he was on his slip. [38:29.9 – 38:40.0] To those of you who are new on the program, this is the only group of people that I've ever seen in my life who seem to get a fiendish delight out of telling what [38:40.0 – 38:42.0] revolting characters they used to be. [38:42.0 – 38:47.3] They always want to go back. [38:47.3 – 38:52.4] And I moved from this fella to a lady, and I tried to find out how I get cured here. [38:52.4 – 39:02.5] She says, "Oh, you just follow the 12 steps." Now, my problem was I was in AA eight months, and I was trying to decide whether I should take a written inventory or an oral inventory, and while [39:02.5 – 39:04.4] I was trying to make up my mind, I got drunk. [39:04.4 – 39:12.3] And then she wanted to tell me some stories, things that happened to her. [39:12.3 – 39:16.8] But I says, "Now, I've found a way to save my life. [39:16.8 – 39:25.7] These 12 steps in some way is going to cure me." And so I was listening with all ears when the meeting started and they read the 12 steps just as they read them here. [39:25.7 – 39:30.5] Step one, we admitted we were powerless over alcohol, and our lives had become unmanageable. [39:30.5 – 39:35.4] I thought, "This is easy." I took this step many years before I came into AA. [39:35.4 – 39:38.1] When I had my first blackout, I realized I had a problem. [39:38.1 – 39:44.2] But then it said, "Come to believe that a Power greater than myself would restore me to sanity." I was a little confused. [39:44.2 – 39:54.2] And then when it said, "Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God," I found myself in a dilemma, because I [39:54.2 – 40:04.2] kept hearing them say, "You've got to be absolutely honest with yourself, and yet you must follow 12 steps if you would obtain and maintain your sobriety." And as the steps went on, God this, God that, [40:04.2 – 40:06.2] I became ang- angry at you people. [40:06.2 – 40:10.6] I felt that you'd misrepresented yourself because you'd placed me in impossible position. [40:10.6 – 40:17.3] You had said, on the one hand, you must be absolutely honest with yourself, and yet you must follow 12 steps. [40:17.3 – 40:27.4] How can I, on the one hand, honestly turn my will and my life over to the care of something that I don't [40:27.4 – 40:28.5] honestly believe exists? [40:28.5 – 40:30.8] Now, I was born in a church parson. [40:30.8 – 40:33.0] My father was a very distinguished minister. [40:33.0 – 40:43.1] I used to say my prayers and say, "God this and God that." At my first AA meeting, I realized, by being honest with myself for the first time, that in my heart I never [40:43.1 – 40:46.4] believed, I never believed that there wasn't a such thing as a God. [40:46.4 – 40:49.0] And so I felt trapped. [40:49.0 – 40:51.0] I felt that you'd fooled me. [40:51.0 – 40:56.4] I can't save my life now because I can't follow those 12 steps and still be honest. [40:56.4 – 41:00.2] And so I went away determined never to come back again. [41:00.2 – 41:05.1] And all that week, I tried to figure out where shall I go next? [41:05.1 – 41:05.9] What shall I try? [41:05.9 – 41:14.5] And I found myself reluctantly coming back to my second meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. [41:14.5 – 41:17.7] Not with any faith, not with any hope, not with any belief. [41:17.7 – 41:22.7] I came back, ladies and gentlemen, because I knew that any drink now would be my last drink. [41:22.7 – 41:24.5] I realized that week I'd been everywhere. [41:24.5 – 41:25.4] I'd tried everything. [41:25.4 – 41:28.5] I came back like a drowning man grasping for a straw. [41:28.5 – 41:31.5] I came back simply because I had no place else to go. [41:31.5 – 41:33.0] And I bought the book, and I read the book. [41:33.0 – 41:33.7] I read those stories. [41:33.7 – 41:43.8] I said, "This is ridiculous." I couldn't see the connection between this disease that the doctor said I had, this disease these people said I had, a disease of a twofold nature they said [41:43.8 – 41:44.4] I had in AA. [41:44.4 – 41:54.6] Analogy of the body, that is, my body was allergic to alcohol in that when I drank, unlike normal drinkers getting [41:54.6 – 41:56.9] normally drunk, I became insane. [41:56.9 – 42:07.3] That when I took one drink, I, I was compelled to drink against my will until I drank myself into all kinds of troubles and, and misery, this obsession [42:07.3 – 42:07.9] of the mind. [42:07.9 – 42:17.4] And yet there was nothing in those 12 steps that told, tell me what pill I should take or what medical treatment I should submit myself to. [42:17.4 – 42:26.4] But I kept coming, not because I believed AA would help me, not because I enjoyed coming to AA. [42:26.4 – 42:28.2] I came because I was afraid not to come. [42:28.2 – 42:29.7] See, I was a periodic drinker. [42:29.7 – 42:39.8] I said, "Well, maybe by being around these people, they won't cure me, but it will ma- might postpone the day when that awful feeling will come over me to against, this compulsion to drink against my will." [42:39.8 – 42:44.9] And so I attended meetings like that for nearly three months, not understanding anything, not feeling anything. [42:44.9 – 42:55.0] And after I'd attended meetings this way for about three months, a lady who had led the meeting that night came over to me and she said, uh, "What [42:55.0 – 43:05.0] is your name?" I said, "My name is Ben Wyatt." She said, uh, "Well, we notice you're interested in what we're doing here." I said, "Oh." Now, you wonder why, with [43:05.0 – 43:09.0] a group of 12 or 13 people, that this lady didn't know my name. [43:09.0 – 43:19.0] Well, you see, as I said in the beginning, I had a very low opinion of you people, and when I found out I had to come to AA, I solved the problem [43:19.0 – 43:20.2] after that first meeting. [43:20.2 – 43:30.3] Because after that first meeting, you guys was around me singing the praises of AA, and you followed me all out in the streets, and I'm afraid my friends will see me with these drunks, you see. [43:30.3 – 43:35.8] So I said, "But they're so friendly and they're so sincere, I don't want to hurt their feelings. [43:35.8 – 43:37.7] I know how to solve this problem. [43:37.7 – 43:39.9] As soon as they say the Lord's Prayer, I get out of there. [43:39.9 – 43:46.2] I don't stay for coffee time." And so that is why they didn't get a chance to get sociable enough to know my name. [43:46.2 – 43:50.5] I said, "Now, these are the type of people, they see nothing wrong in these awful things that they did. [43:50.5 – 43:59.0] They brag about what awful drunks they used to be." Now these are the type of people that will, uh, think they obviously think they're on the same social level as I am. [43:59.0 – 44:05.9] These are the type of people who will invite themselves out to my house, and then they'll be coming in and out of my house. [44:05.9 – 44:07.5] And what will my neighbors think? [44:07.5 – 44:08.7] They'll think I have a problem. [44:08.7 – 44:12.1] You see. [44:12.1 – 44:14.6] You see, this is the trouble with the practicing alcoholic. [44:14.6 – 44:16.5] He lives in a world of illusion. [44:16.5 – 44:18.7] He lives in a world of unreality. [44:18.7 – 44:28.9] It never occurred to me that I'd lived in the same neighborhood for 12 years, that time without number my neighbors had seen me lying in the gutter in front [44:28.9 – 44:36.4] of my house, had seen me dragged out of the bed, uh, drunk on the weekend for drunk and disturbing the peace time without number. [44:36.4 – 44:38.4] This just never occurred to me. [44:38.4 – 44:41.6] I said, "No, I don't want these AA's to be coming to my house. [44:41.6 – 44:51.2] My neighbors will think I have a problem." The unfortunate thing about a practicing alcoholic, he's always the last one to find out, you see. [44:51.2 – 44:53.9] So that is why she didn't know what my name was. [44:53.9 – 45:02.0] And so she said, "We notice you're interested in what we're doing here." I says, "Oh?" "We notice you haven't missed a meeting. [45:02.0 – 45:05.5] We watched you grow," she says. [45:05.5 – 45:09.2] And then I got the cue. [45:09.2 – 45:12.0] I had heard that approach. [45:12.0 – 45:14.6] And then I said, "Oh yes, madam. [45:14.6 – 45:19.5] This is a wonderful program." I held my, looked real holy, you know, and held my hands up. [45:19.5 – 45:26.8] "AA has done so much for me." I began to lie and tell experiences I'd heard happen to other people, I say that happened to me. [45:26.8 – 45:27.9] You know why I did that? [45:27.9 – 45:29.5] 'Cause I love to speak. [45:29.5 – 45:32.2] I'm an exhibitionist type of drunk. [45:32.2 – 45:33.6] I'm an exhibitionist now. [45:33.6 – 45:36.5] I, I didn't go around the corner and get a bottle and we drink. [45:36.5 – 45:45.3] I like to walk into a crowded bar and say in a deep voice, "Bartender, give everybody on that row a drink and bring me the check." And then people will look up and, "Who's that buying them?" "Mr. [45:45.3 – 45:47.0] Wyatt is buying them tonight. [45:47.0 – 45:47.5] Mr. [45:47.5 – 45:51.8] Wyatt is a great man." Now you see why I had to have a lawyer? [45:51.8 – 45:54.7] Costs a lot of money to drink on that scale. [45:54.7 – 46:04.9] And so I secretly sat back there and dreamed of the day when AA would think I was worthy and [46:04.9 – 46:06.5] people would listen to what I had to say. [46:06.5 – 46:08.0] Well, I'd seen the approach. [46:08.0 – 46:15.3] I know how they approach the guys when they were gonna let us speak, and I wasn't gonna spoil this opportunity by telling the lady the truth. [46:15.3 – 46:16.2] "You better wait, madam. [46:16.2 – 46:20.6] I haven't seen the lights yet." "Nothing has happened to me. [46:20.6 – 46:23.6] My wife is still going through with the divorce. [46:23.6 – 46:25.5] Everybody still hates me. [46:25.5 – 46:30.1] People still turn into, uh, go around the other corner when they see me coming. [46:30.1 – 46:32.8] Nothing has happened." But I didn't tell her that. [46:32.8 – 46:33.6] I said, "Oh, yes. [46:33.6 – 46:39.9] AA has done so much for me." And finally she said what I expected her to say. [46:39.9 – 46:44.3] "Well, I think you're about ready to tell the newcomer what the program has done for you. [46:44.3 – 46:49.6] And I'm going to put you on my program when I have a meeting in Harlem. [46:49.6 – 46:58.3] Do you think you could get together about a five-minute talk and tell the newcomer what the program has done to you, uh, for you?" I said, "Oh, AA has been so good to me," I lied. [46:58.3 – 47:02.9] And so the next day I went down to the public library. [47:02.9 – 47:13.4] And, uh, I went into the Department of Philosophy and Religion, and I walked up to the librarian [47:13.4 – 47:19.2] and I says, "Madam." See, a drunk, he always want to be everybody on Earth except himself. [47:19.2 – 47:21.2] He's always an actor. [47:21.2 – 47:23.0] I'm a professor now, you know. [47:23.0 – 47:30.2] "Madam, I'm going to deliver a lecture on alcoholism in a few weeks." I'm a bum. [47:30.2 – 47:31.5] I don't know nothing about AA. [47:31.5 – 47:32.4] This is what I … [47:32.4 – 47:34.3] I don't know why we drunks do things like that. [47:34.3 – 47:45.0] "And I want to get the latest material on the subject." And so she brought back two pamphlets there, and I went back there to try to digest that stuff, [47:45.0 – 47:55.0] but I found that my lack of understanding of those medical terms kept me from getting this great message that these great medical men wanted to convey to me, but I didn't give up. [47:55.0 – 48:00.0] I went on over to the speech department and I picked out a book called Famous Orations. [48:00.0 – 48:06.4] And I looked through that book of orations till I found just what I considered a proper introduction. [48:06.4 – 48:09.3] And I can remember that introduction verbatim. [48:09.3 – 48:19.8] It starts out, "First, let me acknowledge your kind invitation and express the deep appreciation I feel at being asked to come and discuss with you on this most serious [48:19.8 – 48:24.3] and solemn subject." This is a drunk. [48:24.3 – 48:25.7] I don't know nothing about AA. [48:25.7 – 48:29.8] This is the way I'm gonna talk to you people who've gone through the valley of the shadow of death. [48:29.8 – 48:31.8] This is the way I'm gonna approach you in my first talk. [48:31.8 – 48:34.8] But to me, that was beautiful. [48:34.8 – 48:35.9] That was brilliant. [48:35.9 – 48:41.0] Then I said, "Now, what'd I hear one of those characters in AA say? [48:41.0 – 48:44.7] 'I was sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.'" I put that in there. [48:44.7 – 48:51.8] Then I mixed a beautiful oratory about a page that said nothing, and then I said, "Now, what'd I hear one of those characters in AA say? [48:51.8 – 48:54.9] 'I was at the end of the line.'" All those drunks feel like they're at the end of the line. [48:54.9 – 49:02.8] And so I mixed these clichés that I'd heard over and over in AA with this oratory till I had seven pages of the most beautiful AA talk you ever saw. [49:02.8 – 49:06.9] I loved that thing so well I memorized it word for word. [49:06.9 – 49:17.1] You could've called me up a week before I was to make my, uh, debut in AA and say, "Ben, what are you gonna talk about?" And I'd have said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I, I thank you," without even [49:17.1 – 49:17.6] waking up. [49:17.6 – 49:18.5] I knew it that well. [49:18.5 – 49:26.7] And then came the day, then came my big moment, and the place was crowded. [49:26.7 – 49:30.7] And finally I heard a voice say, "And now we have a new member on the program. [49:30.7 – 49:33.2] He's doing a magnificent job," yeah, you know how they do. [49:33.2 – 49:39.1] "Ben Wyatt." And so I mounted the roster, and a funny thing happened. [49:39.1 – 49:41.3] I forgot my speech. [49:41.3 – 49:51.3] I couldn't even think of the words, "Ladies and gentlemen." This was the most miserable experience I've ever had [49:51.3 – 49:53.2] in my life- … [49:53.2 – 49:55.4] either in AA or out of AA. [49:55.4 – 50:05.4] And it was in the midst of this panic and in the midst of this fright, ladies and gentlemen, at my first talk at AA [50:05.4 – 50:06.6] that I found this program. [50:06.6 – 50:16.7] I heard a voice and recognized the voice as being my voice, saying not what was on my written manuscript, but attempting to tell a story of my experience as a member [50:16.7 – 50:18.0] of Alcoholics Anonymous. [50:18.0 – 50:28.3] And I remember saying to myself, as I was saying to those people, "AA does work, and I know it works because I have been sober for three months." And when the impact of that statement reached my consciousness, [50:28.3 – 50:33.3] my mind flashed back to what the great medical man had said just two years ago, "This is impossible. [50:33.3 – 50:34.6] You're an incurable drunk. [50:34.6 – 50:40.6] You'll die violently a sudden death." But yet, in spite of what the great medical man said, there I stood. [50:40.6 – 50:43.7] I was sane, I was sober, and I had been for nearly three months. [50:43.7 – 50:47.8] This was a wonderful feeling. [50:47.8 – 50:50.3] This was a thing of indescribable beauty. [50:50.3 – 50:53.1] This was so glorious. [50:53.1 – 50:54.8] This is something you'll have to experience yourself. [50:54.8 – 50:60.0] There's no words of mine can express to you the, the, the, the wonderful feeling of freedom I had. [50:60.0 – 51:09.8] I remember saying to myself over and over again, "Ben, you don't have to die because you don't have to drink anymore." After 27 years of my whole life being revolved around alcohol, there I stood. [51:09.8 – 51:12.5] I was sane, I was sober, and I had been for nearly three months. [51:12.5 – 51:22.7] And among other things, I said, "The whole concept of AA is a miracle." When I had finished, they crowded around me and they congratulated me, and they said, "Oh, you're gonna be all right." And one lady [51:22.7 – 51:27.6] said, "You certainly have a nice spiritual grasp of the program," and it was if she had spat in my face. [51:27.6 – 51:29.5] I said, "What does she mean? [51:29.5 – 51:31.5] I'm trying to be honest on this program. [51:31.5 – 51:35.0] I talked to a guy that had the same problem with God. [51:35.0 – 51:36.5] He said, 'Well, don't worry about the God. [51:36.5 – 51:41.5] Just follow the steps honestly as you can.' So that's all I'm doing. [51:41.5 – 51:50.4] Whatever gave this character impression that I believe in God?" And then pretty soon somebody else said, "You have a spiritual grasp of the program." And then I began to wonder. [51:50.4 – 51:57.0] Several people said that to me and congratulated me, and on my way home, I tried to figure, "Why would they say that? [51:57.0 – 52:02.2] What gave them that impression?" I said, "Well, I remember I used the word miracle," but this was a word of description. [52:02.2 – 52:03.3] I didn't believe in miracles. [52:03.3 – 52:10.6] But I said, "Maybe this is what gave them the impression." So when I went home, I went not to the Bible, but to the dictionary, 'cause I didn't believe in Bibles. [52:10.6 – 52:20.8] And under the heading of miracles, I found these words: "Miracles, anything that is amazing, anything that is wonderful, any act [52:20.8 – 52:25.1] performed that is beyond all human understanding." It was then that I knew. [52:25.1 – 52:29.5] It was then that I moved from complete disbelief into absolute knowledge. [52:29.5 – 52:35.5] I knew for the first time in my life that there was something above and beyond human perception. [52:35.5 – 52:37.0] Now, how did I know this? [52:37.0 – 52:40.0] I knew it because I was sober, and I had been for nearly three months. [52:40.0 – 52:50.3] It was then, it was just like I woke up, and everything of a positive nature that anybody had ever tried to teach me came back to me and made sense, including [52:50.3 – 52:51.3] the 12 steps. [52:51.3 – 52:59.4] And from that day to this day, I haven't had any trouble with alcohol or anything else. [52:59.4 – 53:04.8] I understood what those people meant when they said that I was, I had a spiritual grasp of the program. [53:04.8 – 53:12.1] To me, they simply meant, "Ben, you have learned to know yourself, to really know yourself and be good to yourself. [53:12.1 – 53:21.7] And as long as you do what is best for Ben Wyatt at all times, you must of necessity do what is best for all mankind. [53:21.7 – 53:24.3] Thus, you are living a spiritual life. [53:24.3 – 53:34.5] Thus, you have found a way to get all of those things that you're entitled to as a human being, and you have learned to get it in a way [53:34.5 – 53:40.1] so you can still conform to society." In all the world, there are only two kinds of people. [53:40.1 – 53:43.5] There are those who know and those who do not know. [53:43.5 – 53:46.1] I was searching for happiness, peace. [53:46.1 – 53:47.1] That's why I drank. [53:47.1 – 53:49.2] I wanted to feel good. [53:49.2 – 53:55.0] I was entitled to those things, but I was looking for them through the bottle, and so society called me bad. [53:55.0 – 54:02.5] I have the same aims and aspiration and desires, but I followed 12 steps. [54:02.5 – 54:09.7] They said, "Here's a way that you can get all these things and not invade the rights of another human being." So now society calls me good. [54:09.7 – 54:11.2] This is all there is to AA. [54:11.2 – 54:16.4] If you believe nothing else that I've said here tonight, you must believe what you see. [54:16.4 – 54:19.9] Here stands a man who is sane. [54:19.9 – 54:22.4] Here stands a man who is sober. [54:22.4 – 54:30.5] Here stands a man who f– 13, 14 years ago, there was nobody on Earth was saying anything good about him. [54:30.5 – 54:35.8] Now my acquaintances have increased 10,000fold. [54:35.8 – 54:41.4] I can stand here truthfully and say I don't know of a human being that's saying anything bad about me. [54:41.4 – 54:43.1] I didn't move out of my neighborhood. [54:43.1 – 54:46.1] The people that used to hate me, now they swear by me. [54:46.1 – 54:50.6] I paid no dues. [54:50.6 – 54:52.9] I paid no fees. [54:52.9 – 55:00.8] I came here desperate, friendless, alone, and I said, "I want to save my life." And they said, "Here's a path. [55:00.8 – 55:03.2] Here are 12 simple principles. [55:03.2 – 55:06.2] Just do the best you can to follow them. [55:06.2 – 55:07.7] You'll get sober. [55:07.7 – 55:08.6] You'll stay sober. [55:08.6 – 55:18.3] You'll find yourself, and when you find yourself, you'll find God as you understand God, and when you find that, you will find something that is rather to be chosen than great riches. [55:18.3 – 55:23.9] You will find that deep sense of peace, that deep sense of direction. [55:23.9 – 55:33.5] You will find God as you understand God." All I did was follow those 12 steps, and here I stand. [55:33.5 – 55:34.1] I'm sane. [55:34.1 – 55:34.6] I'm sober. [55:34.6 – 55:35.2] I'm happy. [55:35.2 – 55:35.8] I'm peaceful. [55:35.8 – 55:40.6] I have become all of those things in reality that I thought I was in the illusion of drinking. [55:40.6 – 55:50.6] To those of you who are here for the first time, I can personally guarantee you from [55:50.6 – 56:01.3] 14 years of unbroken sobriety and peace, I don't care how long you drank, I don't care how much trouble you had, if you're honest and sin, sincere in your desire, if [56:01.3 – 56:11.3] you will take these 12 simple principles written by 100 men and women who have suffered as you have suffered, just do the best you can to follow them, and [56:11.3 – 56:13.5] you too will find your sobriety. [56:13.5 – 56:19.0] You too will find your peace, and you too will find your God. [56:19.0 – 56:28.3] It is the most incredi- credible, it is most impossible, yet it is the most wonderful thing that could ever happen to any human being. [56:28.3 – 56:34.2] Please believe me, I know because I was one of those who came here to mock but remained to pray. [56:34.2 – 56:34.8] Thank you.