Transcript

[00:01.9 – 00:07.4] We're going to go right on through without a break because this room has to be cleared. [00:07.4 – 00:16.1] So in introducing people, I have a, a double pleasure today because I get to introduce the one who will introduce our own speaker. [00:16.1 – 00:19.0] He's very dear to me. [00:19.0 – 00:20.3] He's from my part of the country. [00:20.3 – 00:23.9] Sometimes I could kill him, but I always love him. [00:23.9 – 00:34.9] I know of no one, no one in AA, in all the years I've been around, who's more dedicated to the service, to carrying the message to other [00:34.9 – 00:35.5] AAs than Mabel. [00:35.5 – 00:49.0] Thank [00:49.0 – 00:49.5] you, darling. [00:49.5 – 00:55.5] I am Mabel, and I am an alcoholic, a most grateful alcoholic. [00:55.5 – 01:05.7] And it's by the grace of God, trying to live by the Twelve Steps each day, and the wonderful help that I've heard from [01:05.7 – 01:09.5] all of you that I'm standing here sober this afternoon. [01:09.5 – 01:12.6] I wanna congratulate Monroe. [01:12.6 – 01:18.1] You know, these anniversary parties up here have meant so very much to me. [01:18.1 – 01:27.9] And on your twenty-third anniversary, I think it's wonderful to have so many of our friends gather in another reunion. [01:27.9 – 01:36.3] You know, I like to think of AA anniversaries as a family reunion. [01:36.3 – 01:46.6] I know we have a family reunion down in West Louisiana every year, and we meet out at Audubon Park, and we go around and we kiss all the aunts [01:46.6 – 01:49.8] and uncles and the cousins and nieces and nephews. [01:49.8 – 02:00.1] And after we've kissed and said how glad we are to see each other, then we look around, and we talk about the ones who are not there. [02:00.1 – 02:08.1] We miss them, and we wonder why they're not at the reunion, if they're sick, if they're in trouble. [02:08.1 – 02:14.8] And then when we leave, we always try to contact those who didn't attend. [02:14.8 – 02:21.8] And I look around here today, and this is my ninth time to attend Monroe anniversaries. [02:21.8 – 02:28.4] I missed one year out of the ten years that I've been in AA due to illness of one of my sisters. [02:28.4 – 02:33.5] And I look around today, and I see some are missing. [02:33.5 – 02:37.5] Uh, I miss Nana and Scott so very much. [02:37.5 – 02:40.8] They were here at the first anniversary that I attended. [02:40.8 – 02:50.0] There are others who have been here, and I don't see them today, and I'm wondering if they're ill, if they're in trouble. [02:50.0 – 02:52.1] God bless them. [02:52.1 – 02:53.4] I hope they're not sick. [02:53.4 – 02:57.2] Maybe they just couldn't come. [02:57.2 – 02:59.6] You know, AA has meant so much to me. [02:59.6 – 03:06.5] And when Ramona gave this beautiful talk, if you could just know how I did enjoy it. [03:06.5 – 03:08.9] Doris, my good friend. [03:08.9 – 03:15.7] Doris will remember years ago, I, I just sort of didn't like the Al-Anon. [03:15.7 – 03:26.0] And I remember the first AA convention that I attended, and someone said, "Aren't you going into the Al-Anon meeting?" And I said, "Why, no, indeed. [03:26.0 – 03:36.7] They don't have a thing in this world to offer me, an alcoholic." You know how great this program is, how my thinking has changed [03:36.7 – 03:39.2] by trying to live by the Twelve Steps. [03:39.2 – 03:43.1] Today, I really wouldn't miss an Al-Anon meeting. [03:43.1 – 03:44.6] It's just been wonderful. [03:44.6 – 03:47.3] Last night, I enjoyed Miller so much. [03:47.3 – 03:50.0] This morning, I enjoyed Jack. [03:50.0 – 03:52.6] I can't wait to hear Anne. [03:52.6 – 03:55.0] Looking forward to hearing Virgil. [03:55.0 – 04:01.1] And by the way, I got to attend Virgil's birthday party down in Atlanta, and it was just wonderful. [04:01.1 – 04:04.2] And then in the morning, I'll get to hear Isaac. [04:04.2 – 04:10.0] Uh, you know, our speaker is a wonderful person. [04:10.0 – 04:15.0] I got to kiss her last night, and I didn't know that I was gonna get to chair the meeting with her. [04:15.0 – 04:16.8] She was the speaker. [04:16.8 – 04:26.4] And Anne was the first woman member of AA in Warren and Niles, Ohio. [04:26.4 – 04:32.5] And gee, don't you know that was fun being the first woman member with a lot of men members? [04:32.5 – 04:34.4] To me, that was just great. [04:34.4 – 04:40.3] She has a lot of sobriety, good, fine sobriety. [04:40.3 – 04:48.7] Uh, she just lacked two years in sobriety of having the same amount of sobriety that the Monroe group has. [04:48.7 – 04:50.9] She has twenty-one years. [04:50.9 – 04:51.9] Isn't that wonderful? [04:51.9 – 04:54.2] And I'm so anxious. [04:54.2 – 05:04.4] I'm so anxious to hear her story that I'm gonna sit down and listen, and I know we're in for a great [05:04.4 – 05:04.8] treat. [05:04.8 – 05:07.0] Anne, we're so happy to have you. [05:07.0 – 05:13.6] I'll add this. [05:13.6 – 05:20.1] If I had been– arrived in AA when I should have been, the Monroe group and I would've been celebrating the same anniversary. [05:20.1 – 05:24.6] I was two years overdue, as many others were overdue. [05:24.6 – 05:32.6] I wanna thank the committee for allowing me to share my experience, strength, and hope with you people. [05:32.6 – 05:35.1] And I do hope that I can be of help. [05:35.1 – 05:41.9] Uh, so far as my drinking was concerned, uh, I was living in Akron, Ohio when AA was born. [05:41.9 – 05:49.4] But at that time, nobody ever dreamed that I would ever need their services because at that time I was a little Sunday school teacher. [05:49.4 – 05:51.1] My dad was a lay minister. [05:51.1 – 05:58.0] I attended church and Sunday school faithfully and never associated with drinking people at all. [05:58.0 – 06:07.2] But four years after I was married and away from what I considered a very strict environment at home- Um, um, under my parents' roof. [06:07.2 – 06:10.6] I did associate with drinking people for the first time. [06:10.6 – 06:19.4] I, uh, was a legal secretary in Youngstown, Ohio, and belonged to a businesswomen, uh, sorority. [06:19.4 – 06:23.9] And I was the only one in a crowd about 40 or 50 who didn't drink. [06:23.9 – 06:26.5] And they would urge me to join the party. [06:26.5 – 06:28.9] "Why don't you drink?" And all this kind of thing. [06:28.9 – 06:31.6] And I had been one to enjoy life. [06:31.6 – 06:33.3] I didn't feel the need of drinking. [06:33.3 – 06:43.3] And I was real afraid to start drinking because two of the girls in that crowd would change right before our eyes after the smallest amount of alcohol, and [06:43.3 – 06:45.1] I thought they were a little nutty. [06:45.1 – 06:52.1] Uh, I thought the boys in the White Coat had missed a couple in the last round, and I didn't want to be like them. [06:52.1 – 06:56.4] But I got so tired of hearing them say, "Oh, have a drink. [06:56.4 – 06:57.9] Join the party. [06:57.9 – 07:08.0] Uh, you'll have more fun," that one night I decided to end the argument by saying to them, uh, "All right, I'll have a drink," and then announcing [07:08.0 – 07:09.9] to one and all I didn't like the stuff. [07:09.9 – 07:13.3] And this was my plan. [07:13.3 – 07:20.1] As the drink went down slowly that night, I was waiting for its effect, and it had none. [07:20.1 – 07:28.7] The fear that I had felt when I started to take that first drink did go away, and I made a different sort of decision that night. [07:28.7 – 07:31.4] I decided not to say anything to these gals. [07:31.4 – 07:39.0] I reasoned that the little bit that I would drink with them wouldn't hurt me, and they would be happy that I'd joined the party. [07:39.0 – 07:45.5] And for a while, I was what you would term, uh, a social drinker, I believe. [07:45.5 – 07:50.7] Uh, alcohol for a while became no problem in my life. [07:50.7 – 07:52.4] I could clearly take it or leave it. [07:52.4 – 07:54.9] I could stop in the middle of a drink. [07:54.9 – 07:58.6] I could do without it altogether, and it didn't really matter. [07:58.6 – 08:05.7] The bottle was such a small thing in my life then that if you had taken it away, I'm sure I wouldn't have missed it. [08:05.7 – 08:15.8] But time did march on and, uh, as time went by, I went through a phase of drinking that many go through, where they can drink others under the table [08:15.8 – 08:20.6] and nothing, uh, their own behavior doesn't change enough for people to even notice. [08:20.6 – 08:25.8] In fact, some of my friends used to say, "That gal can drink any amount and never get drunk. [08:25.8 – 08:28.8] I don't know how she does it." They thought I was with them. [08:28.8 – 08:36.4] I think it's harder for a person like that to finally admit that even a little liquor has them backed into a corner. [08:36.4 – 08:39.8] I know with me, later, it became an obsession. [08:39.8 – 08:43.0] If you drank once like that, why can't you do it again? [08:43.0 – 08:49.7] Had I understood anything about alcoholism, I would have known it was impossible to do, but I didn't understand that. [08:49.7 – 08:59.1] But along the line there, I can look back, in retrospect of course, and see where I made my first wrong turn in drinking. [08:59.1 – 09:03.7] I had been working, um, as a legal secretary. [09:03.7 – 09:08.1] I changed jobs to be closer to home, and it was… [09:08.1 – 09:17.6] The work was dull and uninteresting to me compared to legal work, and we had to work hard and fast, uh, under pressure for the first time it seemed. [09:17.6 – 09:25.5] I sooner or later began to understand people who said they were nervous because I was becoming a nervous person. [09:25.5 – 09:35.7] I didn't like it, and I was complaining to some of the girls there, "I'm going back to legal work because, uh, it never affected me like this job does." And [09:35.7 – 09:46.1] I said, "I'm tied in knots at the end of the day, and it takes so long, uh, to relax and, uh, enjoy the rest of the evening." Well, one by one, gave me a little bit of advice, [09:46.1 – 09:56.2] and it added up to this: "Why don't you do as we do and stop in a cocktail lounge on the way home and have a few fast drinks that will relax you in a hurry, and you'll [09:56.2 – 10:06.5] be quiet?" I tried it because I went with them, and I did find that by gulping drinks, which I had never done before, I could get relaxed in one… [10:06.5 – 10:08.7] uh, in a hurry. [10:08.7 – 10:12.8] Uh, past 15 minutes, I could be as relaxed as a kitten. [10:12.8 – 10:17.4] Whereas it would take hours to accomplish the same end if I went on home without the drink. [10:17.4 – 10:22.8] But what I didn't realize then and do now is that my al… [10:22.8 – 10:25.2] my dependence on alcohol had started. [10:25.2 – 10:29.3] Up until that time, alcohol was totally unimportant to me. [10:29.3 – 10:38.3] But from then on, any time I wanted to relax in a hurry, I knew exactly how to accomplish it, so the intake was increasing right along. [10:38.3 – 10:48.6] During this phase of my drinking, we were forced to move to Arizona because of my husband's health at that time, and I resented having to leave my friends, [10:48.6 – 10:52.1] my everything in Ohio. [10:52.1 – 10:58.7] I was becoming the selfish person that most, uh, alcoholics do become in time. [10:58.7 – 11:03.8] The bottle w- uh, wasn't yet too important to me except for relaxation. [11:03.8 – 11:09.5] But once we moved to Arizona, I deliberately started using the bottle for another reason. [11:09.5 – 11:11.9] I started looking to it for happiness. [11:11.9 – 11:13.6] I was homesick. [11:13.6 – 11:14.7] I was lonesome. [11:14.7 – 11:23.3] I felt cut off from my Ohio friends, and I resented my husband for getting sick and having to go to Arizona, which everything was his fault. [11:23.3 – 11:30.3] And so, as a result, I was looking to that bottle for the happiness that I couldn't seem to find anywhere else. [11:30.3 – 11:33.0] Of course, you know I was looking in the wrong place. [11:33.0 – 11:40.1] But there were nights when my mission was accomplished, and I know it was because I didn't care to look Ohio off the map. [11:40.1 – 11:46.0] But it was out there that alcohol started changing my behavior for the very first time. [11:46.0 – 11:50.6] And I didn't quite understand it, but I didn't care too much either. [11:50.6 – 12:00.9] But I had to start making excuses for my drinking behavior, uh, such as the night that, um, I almost [12:00.9 – 12:03.1] replaced a singer in a floor show. [12:03.1 – 12:10.7] I didn't like her looks or her singing, and I was on my way up there to push her aside when someone pulled me back in time. [12:10.7 – 12:13.3] And then the horrible thought … [12:13.3 – 12:15.2] certainly, what if I had gone up there? [12:15.2 – 12:16.8] What do I tell these people? [12:16.8 – 12:18.1] They'll think I'm crazy. [12:18.1 – 12:26.7] So I said, "Well, on my birthday, can I celebrate a little bit?" And all of a sudden, they had an impromptu birthday party for Anne, and I was taking the bows. [12:26.7 – 12:28.8] They were singing Happy Birthday to me. [12:28.8 – 12:32.8] The only thing is, my birthday was in May, and this happened in December. [12:32.8 – 12:43.0] And but as a result of the, the, uh, the impromptu party, and nobody, uh, criticizing me for my celebration, [12:43.0 – 12:46.1] um, I started having birthdays, oh, maybe twice a week. [12:46.1 – 12:48.1] I don't know how many times I had. [12:48.1 – 12:51.7] Um, it served as a good excuse. [12:51.7 – 13:02.0] But as time went by and that bottle was becoming a bigger and bigger thing in my life, my husband was getting more and more bewildered at this personality change that was taking place in me. [13:02.0 – 13:10.0] And how much I drank or how long I drank or what I drank is not nearly so important to me or shouldn't be to anyone else. [13:10.0 – 13:20.1] But the, what alcohol did to me and to my loved ones because they were close enough to be hurt by my behavior, uh, was something I don't want to forget. [13:20.1 – 13:23.6] At one time, I had been considered a very honest person. [13:23.6 – 13:26.5] People used to say, "Anne's word is her bond. [13:26.5 – 13:30.5] You can always believe her." I was beginning to lie, cover up. [13:30.5 – 13:34.1] I was getting to be the type of person I don't like one bit. [13:34.1 – 13:44.5] I didn't realize how selfish I had become until I got into AA and took the inventory that is so important if we want to improve. [13:44.5 – 13:48.7] We first must know what's wrong before we can start making improvements. [13:48.7 – 13:55.1] And that I was utterly selfish, and I don't like selfish people, and I didn't like me for that either. [13:55.1 – 14:01.1] I didn't like, uh, the things that I was doing, but I didn't blame alcohol. [14:01.1 – 14:02.7] I blamed my husband. [14:02.7 – 14:05.3] I started blaming people and things. [14:05.3 – 14:15.3] Well, enough embarrassing things happened out there that on the way back to Ohio, I told my husband on that long ride home, "I've decided I'm not going to drink anymore." [14:15.3 – 14:17.1] And you should have seen that guy smile. [14:17.1 – 14:21.9] You don't know my husband, but he has a, an almost permanent smile on his face. [14:21.9 – 14:23.5] But that was the biggest smile. [14:23.5 – 14:33.5] And he said, "I'm so happy to hear you say this, Anne, because I've been so worried about you, and I can't understand why you, uh, how you even try to [14:33.5 – 14:33.9] drink. [14:33.9 – 14:42.5] And, uh, but you're not the same person, uh, that I married." And he said, "You're, you're changing, and I don't understand it. [14:42.5 – 14:48.8] I'm so glad that you're not gonna drink anymore." And I was thinking to myself, "I don't care if he's happy or sad. [14:48.8 – 14:58.8] That's not the reason I'm saying I'm not gonna drink anymore." I was thinking of my friends back in Ohio who used to say, "How does that gal drink so much, and she never gets drunk?" And [14:58.8 – 15:07.5] this false pride that so many others have for so long, uh, was working, and I was thinking, "I don't want them to see what can happen. [15:07.5 – 15:10.3] I, I can't have a birthday every week when they're around. [15:10.3 – 15:14.2] They know when my birthday is." And, uh, so this was it. [15:14.2 – 15:16.0] False pride. [15:16.0 – 15:19.8] So I managed to stay dry for two weeks. [15:19.8 – 15:21.8] But still I got thirsty. [15:21.8 – 15:28.6] And, um, at the end of that two weeks, I told myself it was good, and I was to do this over and over again. [15:28.6 – 15:30.3] It's different now. [15:30.3 – 15:31.2] I can do it now. [15:31.2 – 15:38.7] I started to drink again, much to my husband's disappointment, because I at one time didn't lie to him either, you know? [15:38.7 – 15:42.4] It got so I couldn't even keep promises to myself. [15:42.4 – 15:47.8] But he was so let down and so unhappy, but he's a very kind person, and he was never cruel. [15:47.8 – 15:49.9] He never said anything mean. [15:49.9 – 15:52.2] My husband, I think, is one in a million. [15:52.2 – 15:55.6] But during my drinking, I treated him like dirt. [15:55.6 – 16:03.7] As time goes by, I realize more and more the heartaches that I spread along the way to people who really cared. [16:03.7 – 16:13.7] Uh, in the Big Book, an alcoholic is described as a tornado roaring through the lives of other people. [16:13.7 – 16:18.7] And I think that's an accurate description for us when we really get to swinging with that bottle. [16:18.7 – 16:23.4] But my problem hadn't become, uh, too severe just yet. [16:23.4 – 16:31.0] But after this first bout with alcohol, I discovered something I hadn't been aware of or didn't care about before. [16:31.0 – 16:35.1] I had learned that every time I drank, I wanted more. [16:35.1 – 16:39.2] It seemed as though I, something was pushing me towards that next drink. [16:39.2 – 16:44.4] And mentally, I was getting out of control, and I didn't want to get drunk anymore. [16:44.4 – 16:50.4] I found out it didn't make any difference whether I was homesick or at home, happy or sad. [16:50.4 – 16:56.5] Once I started to drink, I was compelled, it seemed, to take more than I wanted, more than I needed. [16:56.5 – 16:59.7] And so I was getting more and more out of control. [16:59.7 – 17:01.7] I didn't know a thing about AA. [17:01.7 – 17:03.3] I wasn't interested in AA. [17:03.3 – 17:13.3] But my husband had a, a desire that his wife quit drinking, and he learned about AA through some fellows with whom he worked, and [17:13.3 – 17:15.6] he sent a would-be sponsor to see me. [17:15.6 – 17:24.5] You never saw a more defiant, resilient, uh, person than I was when he tried to carry the message of AA to me. [17:24.5 – 17:27.6] I told him what it could do with his AA, AA, AA. [17:27.6 – 17:29.2] I didn't know where he got that. [17:29.2 – 17:35.8] I said, "If I ever decide to stop drinking, you won't have to be within a hundred miles of the place. [17:35.8 – 17:45.8] I don't know what you're trying to do to me, but I, I'm not gonna let you interfere in my life." Well, this pride and this stubbornness of mine caused [17:45.8 – 17:48.7] me to suffer much longer than was necessary. [17:48.7 – 17:51.5] I resisted every offer of help from AA. [17:51.5 – 17:55.6] I was going to be a do-it-yourself gal and find the answer. [17:55.6 – 18:06.1] Like it says in the Big Book, we all thought that someday, somehow, under certain circumstances, we would find the answer without accepting help from anybody. [18:06.1 – 18:08.8] And this does cause us, cause us to suffer longer. [18:08.8 – 18:14.1] Now, as time went by, friends learned about what was happening to me. [18:14.1 – 18:15.4] They, some of them saw me. [18:15.4 – 18:16.5] Some of them just heard it. [18:16.5 – 18:17.5] They couldn't believe it. [18:17.5 – 18:21.0] So many people who once knew me couldn't believe it. [18:21.0 – 18:30.6] Uh, in fact, uh, after I got into AA, uh, I, of course, had known Sister Ignatius for some time. [18:30.6 – 18:35.8] I knew her before AA was thought of because my kid brother and sister had been patients in St. [18:35.8 – 18:36.9] Thomas Hospital. [18:36.9 – 18:44.5] And Sister Ignatius knew the kind of a family I had and the training and good things that I practiced for years. [18:44.5 – 18:51.1] And when she learned I had been at an A– AA meeting as a member instead of going along for the ride, she flipped. [18:51.1 – 18:55.8] She walked around me, looked me up and down, said, "This couldn't happen to you. [18:55.8 – 18:59.2] It just couldn't happen." I refused to believe it. [18:59.2 – 19:02.2] Well, I have a pretty thick skin now. [19:02.2 – 19:04.4] I acquired that in AA, too, you know. [19:04.4 – 19:10.0] Uh, instead of being sensitive, I just laughed at her and said, "Well, aren't you glad I'm here? [19:10.0 – 19:12.9] Do you want me to go back to where I was?" "Oh, no, no, no. [19:12.9 – 19:19.2] But how could you become an alcoholic?" I said, "Like everybody else, by drinking too much, too often, too long. [19:19.2 – 19:25.6] You know that." But, uh, friends who heard what was happening to me said, "Not Anne. [19:25.6 – 19:32.7] Not Anne." Because they knew me when I was a little Sunday school teacher and living the kind of a life I'd been brought up to live. [19:32.7 – 19:35.3] But friends were beginning to worry. [19:35.3 – 19:37.7] They started to talk to me about my drinking. [19:37.7 – 19:39.3] I crossed them off my list. [19:39.3 – 19:46.6] I no longer wanted them as a friend, and my world was getting smaller and smaller as the bottle was getting bigger and bigger. [19:46.6 – 19:50.3] And I was becoming a more miserable person all the time. [19:50.3 – 19:54.4] When people would want to talk to me about my drinking, I'd say, "Shut up. [19:54.4 – 19:58.3] Mind your own business." And yet I had my own peculiar ways of advertising [19:58.5 – 20:00.3] My problem, and we do, you know? [20:00.3 – 20:08.7] I can remember drinking at the Warner Hotel there in Warner, Ohio, with the business people, the attorneys and the doctors and what have you. [20:08.7 – 20:19.1] And I was getting to the place where I wasn't sure what was going to happen between the first drink and the last drink, so I'd say to myself, "Two drinks here," and boom, go someplace [20:19.1 – 20:19.5] else. [20:19.5 – 20:21.1] Don't hang around here. [20:21.1 – 20:22.2] So I did just this. [20:22.2 – 20:26.1] Couple of drinks and seek interior environment, you know? [20:26.1 – 20:27.5] And down the line I'd go. [20:27.5 – 20:34.0] And after a while I'd think, "Who do those people at the Warner Hotel think they are anyway? [20:34.0 – 20:40.2] They have no right to keep me out of there." And back I'd go, loose to the grills, and where I'm all free, you know? [20:40.2 – 20:43.9] Uh, this is not sanity by any stretch of the imagination. [20:43.9 – 20:54.6] During this time, I got a call from Detroit, Michigan, to come and take care of my sister's– my, my husband's sister's family while she went to a sanitarium. [20:54.6 – 20:58.0] I said, "This could be my answer." They don't drink. [20:58.0 – 20:59.1] I don't believe they do. [20:59.1 – 21:07.4] Uh, so while cleaning up the place that first day, I found the cutest little built-in bar you ever saw in your life. [21:07.4 – 21:10.8] And they had bottles there I've never… [21:10.8 – 21:14.6] Well, it was names on I couldn't pronounce, uh, I had never heard them. [21:14.6 – 21:19.1] And I said to my brother-in-law, I didn't know any one of you drank. [21:19.1 – 21:29.1] I said, "Where'd you get all that stuff in there?" He said, um, "Most of it's imported." He said, "If you feel like taking a little nip, help yourself." That was [21:29.1 – 21:30.2] the wrong thing to say. [21:30.2 – 21:35.1] Uh, I had lost interest in a little nip. [21:35.1 – 21:43.8] And I was taking more and more, and it, uh, finally the every bottle was filled almost with water, you know? [21:43.8 – 21:53.2] And I knew I was going to get caught, and one night I got so thirsty, everybody was in bed, and I just had to get down to that little place at the end of the road called Beck Inn. [21:53.2 – 21:56.1] And, uh, how will I get there? [21:56.1 – 21:57.2] I can't call a cab. [21:57.2 – 21:57.9] They'll notice. [21:57.9 – 21:59.4] I'll have to explain. [21:59.4 – 22:03.2] Oh, and I remembered my niece had a bicycle out in the garage. [22:03.2 – 22:07.1] Well, I got down there in pretty good shape. [22:07.1 – 22:11.3] Uh, but, uh, I got in and didn't get out before closing time. [22:11.3 – 22:19.5] And by the time I was– I was trying to get that bicycle home, and there was a guy, some guy walking on the sidewalk making better time. [22:19.5 – 22:21.0] He kept passing me. [22:21.0 – 22:22.1] He really did. [22:22.1 – 22:30.6] And finally he said, "Lady, why don't you walk that thing home?" And I almost threw the bicycle at him. [22:30.6 – 22:34.3] But it got up enough anger to me that I was able to get into the house. [22:34.3 – 22:35.4] Oh, the bruises. [22:35.4 – 22:38.1] Can you fall that many times without getting bruised? [22:38.1 – 22:38.6] I can't. [22:38.6 – 22:42.9] My brother-in-law noticed it and, uh, asked me what happened. [22:42.9 – 22:51.8] I said, "Well, I fell down." Uh, two days later, they just had had a little conference and decided they could get along without my help. [22:51.8 – 22:56.1] And here I was doing all the housework, and that's what's making me so thirsty, you know? [22:56.1 – 23:03.5] And I got fired from a job that I wasn't even getting paid for, and I went home all hurt and bruised, you know? [23:03.5 – 23:06.6] But that was just one of the many times that I… [23:06.6 – 23:07.6] We wasn't stupid. [23:07.6 – 23:09.4] We think people are stupid. [23:09.4 – 23:10.7] We're sidelined. [23:10.7 – 23:12.8] We think nobody else can see. [23:12.8 – 23:20.1] But a sober person looking at a, uh, another going down the hill with empty bottles can see quite clearly what's happening. [23:20.1 – 23:22.6] And things were getting worse. [23:22.6 – 23:27.8] I wish I could say that I only hurt myself when I was drinking, but it's impossible to say that. [23:27.8 – 23:28.9] It isn't the truth. [23:28.9 – 23:32.3] We sometimes keep saying that on and on and on. [23:32.3 – 23:42.4] So when we get honest, we have to admit others were hurt by our drinking behavior because nobody, uh, who's [23:42.4 – 23:47.7] among people is going to get out of control like I would without hurting somebody. [23:47.7 – 23:49.0] There's somebody who cares. [23:49.0 – 23:52.0] And I did have four brothers and sisters. [23:52.0 – 23:54.6] I had a father-in-law who lived with us 12 years. [23:54.6 – 23:58.7] And I had friends who cared, and the list was a long one. [23:58.7 – 24:07.0] And I was getting more miserable by the minute, by the day, because I didn't want to hurt people like this. [24:07.0 – 24:08.0] I really didn't. [24:08.0 – 24:14.2] And those who knew kept my mother and dad from learning what really had happened to their daughter, Anne. [24:14.2 – 24:19.1] I was the oldest of six children, and by the way, the only one in the family who ever drank. [24:19.1 – 24:23.5] I don't know of a living relative who drinks. [24:23.5 – 24:25.7] This was the way we were brought up, you know? [24:25.7 – 24:30.3] But I made up for all of this, I guess. [24:30.3 – 24:35.0] But anyway, mother and dad still didn't know exactly what had happened to me. [24:35.0 – 24:38.3] They knew something terrible had happened to my personality. [24:38.3 – 24:40.0] They knew I was no longer honest. [24:40.0 – 24:41.7] I was not dependable. [24:41.7 – 24:44.6] I wouldn't seem to care a hoot about them. [24:44.6 – 24:51.9] And the reason was I would start to Akron, have a drink, and then get sidetracked and not bother going back and, or calling, I mean. [24:51.9 – 24:55.7] They didn't know the real problem because the others wouldn't tell. [24:55.7 – 25:05.4] But one day, mother called me, telling me my sister had gone into a, into a deep diabetic coma and might not, uh, pull out of it. [25:05.4 – 25:08.1] She was the baby of the family, my own sister. [25:08.1 – 25:09.7] I loved her very much. [25:09.7 – 25:13.0] And I wasn't drinking when the call came in. [25:13.0 – 25:14.4] I was so happy about that. [25:14.4 – 25:17.8] I rushed to Akron that day. [25:17.8 – 25:28.0] I saw my sister shackled to the bed, looking more dead than alive, and I got so shook up that the only thing I could think of that would ease [25:28.0 – 25:36.5] my feelings, make me more comfortable, was have a couple of drinks, and things would seem not quite so bad. [25:36.5 – 25:44.6] With Mother sitting there, there was a terrific turmoil going on in me because I had said, "I'll never go to Akron when I've had a drink. [25:44.6 – 25:46.0] I'll never take a drink in Akron. [25:46.0 – 25:49.4] I don't want Mother ever to know." I wouldn't hurt her for the world. [25:49.4 – 25:53.0] But the insane idea was the thing that I held onto. [25:53.0 – 25:55.4] A couple of drinks, Anne, a couple of drinks. [25:55.4 – 25:59.6] I went downtown telling Mother I'd be back in about an hour. [25:59.6 – 26:08.1] And I said, "When he's unconscious, he doesn't even know I'm here, and there are certain things I must do during the day in Akron." Mother said, "Go ahead, Anne. [26:08.1 – 26:08.7] It's all right. [26:08.7 – 26:09.5] I'll be here. [26:09.5 – 26:18.5] I'll wait for you." Well, about eight hours later, I was still seeking the relaxation that I once found in the bottle. [26:18.5 – 26:20.0] I didn't find it that day. [26:20.0 – 26:23.7] I found drunkenness in the bottle, and I knew I was drunk. [26:23.7 – 26:28.7] I knew I had to pick Mother up, and somehow I managed to get back to that hospital. [26:28.7 – 26:30.5] Visiting hours were over. [26:30.5 – 26:31.8] Mother was sitting… [26:31.8 – 26:39.5] as I look back now, she was a little forlorn-looking there, sitting all by herself in the waiting room. [26:39.5 – 26:49.3] And I just said, "Come on, Mother, let's go," with no apology for how late I was getting back, but I was obviously under the influence of alcohol. [26:49.3 – 26:55.2] I took Mother home, and she suggested I stay all night, which I did. [26:55.2 – 27:04.3] And as the drink started to war- to wear off, the most terrible remorse I have ever experienced in my life set in. [27:04.3 – 27:06.8] What have I done? [27:06.8 – 27:13.0] My mother, the person I, I love so much and respect, what have I done? [27:13.0 – 27:21.0] It was a long, sleepless night for both of us, and every now and then, I could hear my mother sobbing very softly. [27:21.0 – 27:31.1] She never said one word to me about that night, but the times that I saw her after that were painful experiences for both [27:31.1 – 27:31.5] of us. [27:31.5 – 27:41.6] I could see the hurt look, the broken heart was showing, the occasional tear, and I could hardly stand to be in, uh, her company, and [27:41.6 – 27:43.1] I wouldn't bring up the subject either. [27:43.1 – 27:48.8] Well, I went to her too many times because one day she became suddenly ill. [27:48.8 – 27:57.0] They called the doctor, and when the doctor arrived, she said, "Doctor, there just isn't one thing you can do for me. [27:57.0 – 28:01.6] I know that I'm dying, and I'm not afraid to die. [28:01.6 – 28:09.1] Don't worry about me." And she turned to the others in the family and said, "But Anne was supposed to be here this weekend. [28:09.1 – 28:16.8] Does anyone know where she is?" And they had no chance to answer my mother because those were her last words. [28:16.8 – 28:24.3] She died at the age of fifty-four, worrying about me instead of worrying about dying. [28:24.3 – 28:34.3] Well, my brothers and sister were kind enough not to say anything until after the funeral, and then we had a little talk, and they told me what had happened, and the [28:34.3 – 28:37.4] remorse set in, and it was almost unbearable. [28:37.4 – 28:46.1] From then on, the only thing I wanted out of a bottle was the oblivion that you can have if you drink enough of it. [28:46.1 – 28:56.2] My husband could see the way things were going, and he came to me and said, "Anne, I believe you're going to drink until you die, which [28:56.2 – 29:07.1] probably won't be long at the rate you're going, or you're going to drink until you lose your mind completely and have to be committed to an institution." And [29:07.1 – 29:17.1] he said, "I'm reconciled to this." He said, "I'm not going to talk to you about AA because I know you're not at all interested." And he [29:17.1 – 29:21.2] said, "From now on, you can drink all you want, anything you want. [29:21.2 – 29:31.3] You name your poison, and I'll supply it." But he said, "This is on one condition, and that is that you drink at home, where I won't be so terrified [29:31.3 – 29:34.7] when the doorbell or the telephone rings. [29:34.7 – 29:44.7] I never know what I'm going to hear or see when you're away, so drink at home, and I'll even drink with you." Well, by this time, I didn't care too much whether [29:44.7 – 29:45.6] I lived or died. [29:45.6 – 29:46.4] I really didn't. [29:46.4 – 29:49.3] Life had no meaning whatsoever to me. [29:49.3 – 29:58.9] I was so miserable all the time, mostly because I couldn't forget the nice people in my life that I was continually hurting without wanting to hurt. [29:58.9 – 30:03.9] And, yeah, I just didn't care whether I lived or died. [30:03.9 – 30:05.5] And I thought, "Well, this is the answer. [30:05.5 – 30:07.2] I won't live very… [30:07.2 – 30:11.1] like he says, I might as well check out drunk," you know? [30:11.1 – 30:13.4] Well, I could have had champagne. [30:13.4 – 30:15.7] You know how this particular Irish male ordered? [30:15.7 – 30:25.7] I knew he was trying to be kind to me, so I thought I'd be kind to him and order something inexpensive because in my mind's eye, I could see the parade of bottles coming my way, [30:25.7 – 30:27.8] and I ordered wine. [30:27.8 – 30:29.1] Can you imagine that? [30:29.1 – 30:34.0] This is Custer's Last Stand for people like us. [30:34.0 – 30:37.2] Wine, if you haven't drank it, just be thankful. [30:37.2 – 30:39.9] If you want a dead brain, that's the right drink to drink. [30:39.9 – 30:50.1] Uh, if you don't want to think, uh, that'll knock your brains into an out-of-state, um, but I saw a billboard one time too with a beautiful [30:50.1 – 31:00.2] woman holding a bottle of Regina Dare wine, and the caption said, "Your reputation may be in this bottle." I got a different meaning than [31:00.2 – 31:02.0] they intended to convey, you know? [31:02.0 – 31:06.4] And, but I was on wine for the last six months of my drinking. [31:06.4 – 31:13.3] In that last six months, I was afraid to go out, afraid of people, afraid, afraid, afraid. [31:13.3 – 31:16.6] Uh, and it was a miserable existence. [31:16.6 – 31:18.6] I was a prisoner in my own home. [31:18.6 – 31:20.5] My bedroom was a cell. [31:20.5 – 31:26.6] My bottle was my cellmate, and I didn't care about my husband, my father-in-law, friends, or anything. [31:26.6 – 31:27.7] This is not living. [31:27.7 – 31:30.4] I was still breathing, and that's about all. [31:30.4 – 31:40.4] So at the end of six months of this miserable, lonely existence, not caring whether I lived or died, almost wishing I'd die, and yet being afraid to, [31:40.4 – 31:50.4] I awakened on April Fools' Day in, uh, 1948, and I poured my morning drink, which could have meant another day of drinking, but I happened to be weaving in front of [31:50.4 – 31:57.9] a mirror when I took that drink, and I glanced at that stranger in the mirror. [31:57.9 – 32:06.7] I didn't even know her, and I was so shocked that I fell back on the vanity bench and took a longer look at me. [32:06.7 – 32:10.0] I asked me a lot of questions that day. [32:10.0 – 32:11.8] I set the glass to one side. [32:11.8 – 32:13.0] I hadn't touched it. [32:13.0 – 32:16.3] And I said, "Where is the end of the line for you, Anne? [32:16.3 – 32:19.7] Are you going to drink until you die? [32:19.7 – 32:29.8] Is that what you want?" No, I didn't want it, but I thought it was a suicide attempt, and I made some, as many have thought of [32:29.8 – 32:40.0] them, I made a couple, and it's no credit to me that I survived the second suicide attempt because I did stop on a railroad crossing with the motor running and watched [32:40.0 – 32:50.1] the train come toward my car, reasoning that it would look like an accident and wouldn't be such a disgrace in the family, and they would soon forget, and [32:50.1 – 32:52.2] I wouldn't be spreading all this misery. [32:52.2 – 33:02.2] Well, I don't know what you would– might call this, a figment of my imagination or what, but as I was having these thoughts and not caring [33:02.2 – 33:10.7] at all, very calm about the whole thing, it was as though my mother was standing life-size between my car and that train. [33:10.7 – 33:17.9] And the thought occurred to me, Mother will know it's no accident, and I froze. [33:17.9 – 33:20.2] I wasn't conscious of moving. [33:20.2 – 33:22.6] I couldn't seem to move. [33:22.6 – 33:32.6] But I must have said, "God, help me," because when the train went by, my car was off the track, but the train was so close [33:32.6 – 33:34.7] that the back end of my car was ruined. [33:34.7 – 33:36.9] I wasn't calm anymore. [33:36.9 – 33:41.7] I was hysterical and screaming, "Thank God I'm alive, but why? [33:41.7 – 33:42.5] Why? [33:42.5 – 33:50.1] Why?" I think I know the answer to that now since I've been in AA because I thought my usefulness on Earth was over. [33:50.1 – 33:57.0] I thought that I would never be able to cause anyone to have a moment of happiness again. [33:57.0 – 33:58.9] I knew I'd never be happy again. [33:58.9 – 34:01.4] That was– I was convinced of that. [34:01.4 – 34:11.8] In fact, two weeks before I came to AA, uh, some fellow who was trying to carry the message for the umpteenth time, uh, came over again, [34:11.8 – 34:21.8] and I said, "If you're worried about how miserable I am, you can forget it." I said, "I'll always be unhappy, and you can't change that." I said, "You know that song, 'I'll Never Smile [34:21.8 – 34:22.2] Again'? [34:22.2 – 34:24.4] I kind of wrote that darn song. [34:24.4 – 34:26.9] What do you think of that?" I thought I had. [34:26.9 – 34:37.6] And that day, I also asked me, "Well, do you want to lose your mind and be put away?" No, but I thought of the many times I had said to my husband [34:37.6 – 34:45.6] in my prayer moments, "Why don't you send me to an asylum to see what's wrong with me?" Well then, why was I doing it? [34:45.6 – 34:47.7] And out came my long list of excuses. [34:47.7 – 34:53.1] I won't bore you with them because as long as we want to drink, any excuse will do, really. [34:53.1 – 34:55.1] And I only had one left. [34:55.1 – 34:59.0] All the others had been tossed out because they couldn't stand the light of honesty. [34:59.0 – 35:04.6] But I su- firm– I firmly believe that if I'd had a family, this wouldn't have happened to me. [35:04.6 – 35:12.9] I do love children, and I brooded for a while, for a long time, because we didn't have a family, and this one I still had. [35:12.9 – 35:17.6] Then I told a friend who's one of the families, hadn't had them, and hadn't become drunk like me. [35:17.6 – 35:19.6] So what was wrong with me? [35:19.6 – 35:20.7] And the answer came. [35:20.7 – 35:23.5] It's like that fella tried to tell you two years ago. [35:23.5 – 35:33.5] He said, "If there's a time when you, uh, recognize what your real problem is and want to do something about it, then, and only then, [35:33.5 – 35:38.5] can the people in AA help you." Well, I was ready for the help that you people have to offer. [35:38.5 – 35:44.0] I toyed with the idea of tapering off, but knowing me, I knew I'd taper on again. [35:44.0 – 35:48.1] So I poured the drink down the sink, called another fellow in AA. [35:48.1 – 35:52.2] I didn't call the one I had kicked down my steps two weeks before. [35:52.2 – 35:53.7] He wasn't leaving fast enough. [35:53.7 – 36:03.9] And, um, I called someone else, and I said, "Do you think it's too late for AA to help me?" Well, I was assured that if I really wanted to quit drinking, it wasn't too late. [36:03.9 – 36:11.7] He said, "I'll pick you up and take you to the meeting tomorrow night." And I said, "You don't have to pick me up. [36:11.7 – 36:15.3] Just tell me where the meeting is. [36:15.3 – 36:23.2] Is it still in the Welsh, the club up there?" "Yeah." "I'll be there." Now, Art wasn't home when all this was going on. [36:23.2 – 36:27.8] The guy that had such a desperate desire for his wife to get sober was working that day. [36:27.8 – 36:37.9] But when he came home, I said, "Art, I did something today which may or may not make you feel better." I said, "I called AA for help." And with that big [36:37.9 – 36:39.3] smile, he said, "Oh, good. [36:39.3 – 36:48.4] When do we go to our first meeting?" And I said, "I don't want you to go." I said, "I've been ridiculing these people on the street every chance I had right to their faces. [36:48.4 – 36:58.5] They may slam the door in my face, but if I go alone, and they realize how desperate I am, they may be willing to at least try to help me." So I didn't really know anything [36:58.5 – 36:59.6] about AA, did I? [36:59.6 – 37:07.3] And to that meeting I went alone with my tears and face, and I was crying so hard they were all so worried about me. [37:07.3 – 37:17.1] And I told them I thought I could quit crying if they would go down the hall and make those people quit singing those hymns that Mother and Dad used to sing all the time. [37:17.1 – 37:21.0] Well, I was the only one that heard that beautiful chorus of voices. [37:21.0 – 37:23.3] They really missed something. [37:23.3 – 37:25.7] Uh, but it was making me sad. [37:25.7 – 37:30.0] And as someone said, "Maybe you shouldn't have stopped drinking just like that. [37:30.0 – 37:32.3] Uh, maybe you should, uh, have a," you know. [37:32.3 – 37:35.7] I, uh, the, the, the defiance was gone. [37:35.7 – 37:37.1] The belligerence was gone. [37:37.1 – 37:38.8] I was pissed, and I knew it. [37:38.8 – 37:40.4] I was a real wreck. [37:40.4 – 37:45.1] And, uh, very quietly, I said, "I don't want any more to drink. [37:45.1 – 37:55.7] I'm here to see if someone here can help me to get sober and stay sober because I don't want to go on like this." Well, I'm happy to report [37:55.7 – 38:05.7] that by, from then till now, I have not found the means of taking a drink of alcohol in any form, but it didn't happen that [38:05.7 – 38:06.2] easily. [38:06.2 – 38:09.4] Uh, I had to suffer some to get well. [38:09.4 – 38:11.0] I know some people don't. [38:11.0 – 38:13.7] There's no easy way to get sober. [38:13.7 – 38:21.7] But some people do go into a hospital, uh, where it's made, uh, perhaps a little easier, and that's the rest. [38:21.7 – 38:23.3] But I didn't know about hospitals. [38:23.3 – 38:26.7] I knew very little about alcoholism, to be honest with you. [38:26.7 – 38:29.7] I just knew that I had become a wreck by drinking like I had. [38:29.7 – 38:34.6] So they said, "Can you stay sober for one day?" And I said, "Well, I'm not real sure. [38:34.6 – 38:44.6] All I know is that I'm going to try very, very hard." And I did try very hard, and I'm still willing to do anything required of [38:44.6 – 38:50.4] me which will help me to maintain sobriety and be in a position to help somebody else. [38:50.4 – 38:53.7] But you know, if you don't notice a hangover, it goes away. [38:53.7 – 38:54.3] It does. [38:54.3 – 38:55.9] It goes away. [38:55.9 – 39:05.9] And after about ten days, I would say I was physically sober, but I had been putting a check mark on the calendar each day saying, "Thank God, no drink today." The training that I [39:05.9 – 39:14.1] had had, uh, listening to my dad preach and teaching the little ones myself, uh, helped me a lot. [39:14.1 – 39:23.8] Some people come to AA, they have no spiritual training, no background of any kind, and they have to come to believe in a power greater than themselves. [39:23.8 – 39:31.0] Well, I already believed in the God that I understand, but I was so afraid of Him then. [39:31.0 – 39:33.2] I had an unhealthy fear. [39:33.2 – 39:40.0] And, uh, so for a long time, the door between myself and the God that I understood was slammed shut. [39:40.0 – 39:41.2] It was slammed by me. [39:41.2 – 39:51.3] But that night during the meeting, I kept saying over and over, "Help me like you've helped these other people, and I'll do my part." And this is what I still want to do, do my part. [39:51.3 – 39:56.6] And I was asking for help every hour on the hour until the day went by. [39:56.7 – 39:59.4] And thank God, no drink today checked mark on the calendar. [39:59.4 – 40:00.9] And this is the way it went. [40:00.9 – 40:01.9] It wasn't easy. [40:01.9 – 40:07.5] I walked the floor, and I shed a lot of tears, but I didn't take a drink, so I was getting well physically. [40:07.5 – 40:17.5] And after I felt a little better, I went to the older ones in the group, and I said, "What are you doing to stay sober so I can do it, too?" And I wanted to talk to [40:17.5 – 40:25.5] the ones that had been sober quite a while because I knew I had problems that had to be faced and coped with, and it was gonna be rough. [40:25.5 – 40:27.2] I didn't want to use the old remedies. [40:27.2 – 40:35.5] So I said, "Who's been sober the longest in this crowd?" And they're the ones I went to, and they gave me advice that ne- and they never steered me wrong. [40:35.5 – 40:44.7] Um, and then after I was in A a couple of months, I went to this big meeting, and, uh, it was the biggest one I had attended. [40:44.7 – 40:50.0] And I was sitting there chatting with everybody, and a man came up to get… [40:50.0 – 40:53.5] He came up to the platform, and I almost fell off the chair. [40:53.5 – 41:02.7] I said, "What on earth is that man doing up there?" So they said, "Well, he's gonna give a talk tonight." Said, "That's, that's Dr. [41:02.7 – 41:04.5] Bob." I said, "Dr. [41:04.5 – 41:09.4] Bob, the man I've been reading about?" I said, "My goodness, I knew him in Akron. [41:09.4 – 41:12.7] He was a terrible drunk." And he was. [41:12.7 – 41:22.7] The first rally I ever had in my life was in the International Building in Akron, and I used to see this character come down to the lunch counter, but he never ordered anything to [41:22.7 – 41:23.4] eat. [41:23.4 – 41:33.9] And I thought, "How stupid, sitting at a lunch counter, taking Bromo-Seltzer, Alka-Seltzer, tomato juice, aspirins," oh, the stuff he put in his stomach. [41:33.9 – 41:38.7] But he didn't smell too good, and I'd move away, and he'd sip so. [41:38.7 – 41:44.4] And one day I said to Bill, Bill Howe, the owner of the place, I said, "Can you tell me what's wrong with that doctor? [41:44.4 – 41:46.1] He sips all the time. [41:46.1 – 41:52.2] I think he has palsy, right?" And Bill with a big laugh said, "No, he doesn't have palsy. [41:52.2 – 42:02.2] He has a perpetual hangover." And in all innocence, at that time I had to ask what a hangover was, and then I made a classic remark, "Well, if it's just from drinking, why [42:02.2 – 42:12.5] doesn't that crazy fool stop?" "He, he surely doesn't enjoy shaking like that." Well, that night after the meeting, I went, went up, and he said to me, [42:12.5 – 42:21.6] "Ann, I often wondered what happened to you," 'cause I had left that building, uh, and took another job in Akron, and I passed Bill's avenue house anymore. [42:21.6 – 42:31.8] He said, "I used to stay away from you because they told me you were a little Sunday school teacher, and I didn't want any preaching." And I said, "Well, I stayed away from you for a different reason." I said, "You [42:31.8 – 42:41.9] didn't smell exactly like a rose, you know?" And he, with that hearty laugh of his, said, uh, " well, Ann, uh, anytime you're in Akron, feel free to come to my [42:41.9 – 42:47.7] home or my office, and I'll always be happy to see you." And I took him up on this, and during Dr. [42:47.7 – 42:55.8] Bob's illness, I spent many hours with him, at the times when he was feeling well enough to enjoy, uh, company. [42:55.8 – 43:05.8] And I'll be forever grateful to him for the help that he was to me during the trying time in my life of adjusting to sobriety after [43:05.8 – 43:07.4] being so dependent on the bottle. [43:07.4 – 43:12.4] So you see, I had some good teachers, but having good teachers is not enough. [43:12.4 – 43:15.5] Knowing what to do is not enough. [43:15.5 – 43:19.8] If we don't do it, we're, we'll be sinking lower and lower and lower. [43:19.8 – 43:20.9] Well, I wanna… [43:20.9 – 43:24.2] The, at first they said, "Read the literature. [43:24.2 – 43:25.0] It will help you. [43:25.0 – 43:27.7] Study the Big Book." That was a good bit of advice. [43:27.7 – 43:29.6] "Stay close to AA. [43:29.6 – 43:32.2] These people understand you and can help you. [43:32.2 – 43:42.3] You can stay close to AA if you will continue to go to the meetings." I didn't realize how important that word continue was until I had been around a while and observed [43:42.3 – 43:44.0] people drifting away from AA. [43:44.0 – 43:47.5] And I saw them drift back into the bar rooms. [43:47.5 – 43:55.0] I have attended the funerals of ones who didn't even have a second chance at the wonderful AA way of life. [43:55.0 – 44:05.0] And then as time went by and I was beginning to concentrate a little better, getting more out of the meetings, they said, "Working with other alcoholics will also help you." And [44:05.0 – 44:13.1] later, in studying the Big Book, I read that intensive work with other alcoholics will help when all other activities fail. [44:13.1 – 44:23.4] And I have proven to my satisfaction that this is true because I don't know, something wonderful happens when you're able to go and take [44:23.4 – 44:32.5] hold of the hand of a suffering alcoholic who thinks there is no hope, and you know exactly how that person feels because you were there. [44:32.5 – 44:40.1] And then you can say, "Come with me, and I'll show you the way." You notice I didn't say tell you the way. [44:40.1 – 44:42.7] Show you the way. [44:42.7 – 44:52.3] And this is what I hope I shall always do in AA, show by example what can happen to a person who really wants to get well. [44:52.3 – 44:57.5] And then after a while, they too are interested in AA. [44:57.5 – 45:02.2] They too are willing to try to live by the 12 suggested steps. [45:02.2 – 45:09.8] They too are willing to do their part in staying sober, and you can watch them grow spiritually in this program. [45:09.8 – 45:19.8] And I am so thankful to the God that I now understand much better and am no longer afraid of, and thankful to Him and to the wonderful people in [45:19.8 – 45:21.3] AA who have… [45:21.3 – 45:27.6] in staying sober, and you can watch them grow spiritually in this program. [45:27.6 – 45:37.7] And I am so thankful to the God that I now understand much better and am no longer afraid of, and thankful to Him and to the wonderful people in [45:37.7 – 45:43.7] AA who have helped my link in the recovery chain of AA to remain intact. [45:43.7 – 45:53.5] I know that I no longer have to drink for any reason under the sun if I stay close to you people like they told me in the beginning and live by the 12 steps of AA. [45:53.5 – 46:03.9] And as we study the 12 steps- It occurred to me that whoever put those together did a remarkable job [46:03.9 – 46:09.6] because they seem to link together like the links of a chain. [46:09.6 – 46:12.8] Each one sort of conditions you for the next step. [46:12.8 – 46:17.9] Uh, we admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable. [46:17.9 – 46:28.1] For if this is true, and if there's any hope for us, don't we almost have to take that second step and come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves [46:28.2 – 46:29.6] can restore us to sanity? [46:29.6 – 46:38.8] We can believe this and still be wallowing in self-pity and despair because we haven't taken a step in the right direction. [46:38.8 – 46:49.2] It's my belief, from what I've learned in AA and what I've observed, that recovery, threefold recovery for our threefold illness, [46:49.2 – 46:51.7] sort of begins with the third step. [46:51.7 – 46:57.6] We might have physical sobriety on the first step, but we can remain the same miserable creatures. [46:57.6 – 47:07.6] So when we make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him, then in order to know what we're turning over, we take [47:07.6 – 47:11.2] a searching and fearless moral inventory, and it's not a pretty picture. [47:11.2 – 47:17.1] So we admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being we trust the nature of our wrongs. [47:17.1 – 47:19.2] Well, admitting is not enough. [47:19.2 – 47:26.4] We were entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character and humbly ask Him to remove our shortcomings. [47:26.4 – 47:35.4] And by this time, if we haven't started practicing some of the honesty that is essential to maintain sobriety, we're probably drunk again. [47:35.4 – 47:43.5] But by being physically sober and listening and trying, we do begin to see how important honesty is. [47:43.5 – 47:48.5] So then we say out loud, others were hurt by my drinking behavior. [47:48.5 – 47:53.8] So we make a list of all persons we had harmed and become willing to make amends to them all. [47:53.8 – 48:04.0] Who would know we were willing to make amends if we didn't follow that with the action of the next step and make direct amends to such people wherever possible, [48:04.0 – 48:06.6] except when to do so would injure them or others? [48:06.6 – 48:08.9] Those are our first nine steps. [48:08.9 – 48:13.5] Then we continue to take the personal inventory and when wrong, promptly admit it. [48:13.5 – 48:23.6] Then we seek through prayer and meditation, which is sober thinking, to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand Him, praying [48:23.6 – 48:28.3] only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. [48:28.3 – 48:39.2] And in case there's some new person who has been made uncomfortable by reference to spiritual principles, reference to God as I understand Him, uh, [48:39.2 – 48:45.5] and they're mystified by this term spiritual awakening, it's nothing to worry about. [48:45.5 – 48:48.9] The 12th step of our program tells us how it comes about. [48:48.9 – 48:59.0] Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we try to carry this message to alcoholics and practice these [48:59.0 – 49:01.1] principles in all of our affairs. [49:01.1 – 49:11.4] And a ceaseless attempt at trying to live by the 12 recovery steps will result in each and every one of us becoming a little bit better person. [49:11.4 – 49:19.0] You can't practice those steps without having a change for the better, and this to me is a spiritual awakening, a spiritual growth. [49:19.0 – 49:25.3] So when it comes to the character defects, we run into a lot of trouble if we really want to get rid of them. [49:25.3 – 49:34.8] And I read about self-pity and resentment and jealousy and envy and hurt pride and bad temper and selfishness and all these things. [49:34.8 – 49:36.8] And so many of these things were wrong with me. [49:36.8 – 49:37.9] What to do, you know? [49:37.9 – 49:47.9] And self-pity and resentment are the twin en– uh, they call them the twin enemies of the alcoholic, and resentment [49:47.9 – 49:50.4] will destroy more alcoholics than anything else. [49:50.4 – 49:53.8] If you don't believe it, stick around and you'll see it happen, as I have. [49:53.8 – 49:56.5] And Ramona was talking about resentment. [49:56.5 – 50:02.5] I had a terrific battle with that because I was able to hold grudges for years. [50:02.5 – 50:10.5] If anyone did anything to hurt me, I could nurse that grudge until it really was a big burden. [50:10.5 – 50:15.3] And in AA, I knew I could not stay sober if I continued to be this way. [50:15.3 – 50:25.5] And in my search for an answer to get rid of this feeling of wanting to get even with people who hurt me, I ran across something [50:25.5 – 50:33.5] which said, "If you must get even, get even with the people who have done you some good." Think about it. [50:33.5 – 50:34.8] Use it. [50:34.8 – 50:37.2] It works every darn time. [50:37.2 – 50:47.2] If I feel a little bit of resentment arising over something, you can sometimes get hurt in 12 steps work because you are still dealing with very sick people, [50:47.2 – 50:50.3] and you might feel the resentment arising a little bit. [50:50.3 – 50:52.9] Remember, it can destroy us. [50:52.9 – 51:00.3] And then I thought, "Well, I'm to concentrate on the people who have done me some good," and it begins with Dr. [51:00.3 – 51:03.3] Bob and the wonderful memories I have of him. [51:03.3 – 51:08.2] Bill, the other co-founder, he and I have become the best of friends. [51:08.2 – 51:09.8] I mean, real close friends. [51:09.8 – 51:18.1] We've had many talks away from the crowds, and I've come to love that man, and he's done me a lot of good. [51:18.1 – 51:21.5] And Bill, the third man in AA, was a good friend of mine. [51:21.5 – 51:28.1] Ethel, whose story is in the Big Book, From the Pines to the Cities, was a wonderful friend of mine. [51:28.1 – 51:29.6] We were very close. [51:29.6 – 51:31.4] And so you begin to see what's happening. [51:31.4 – 51:41.6] As I'm thinking about these wonderful people who showed me how to really live, my thoughts are becoming so pleasant that any little unpleasant [51:41.6 – 51:51.7] thought I might have about the occasional stinker that can move in in AA goes right out the window, and, and my mind is filled with thoughts that make me feel happy, and I'm not hurting [51:51.7 – 51:52.1] at all. [51:52.1 – 51:53.4] Try it sometime. [51:53.4 – 51:53.9] It works. [51:53.9 – 51:57.5] I found that resentment is a real boomerang emotion. [51:57.5 – 52:04.1] It might be aimed at Joe or Mary or somebody, but they don't know it, or they don't care. [52:04.1 – 52:06.0] So they're not hurting at all. [52:06.0 – 52:12.4] And that resentment misses its mark altogether, and it smacks me right in the heart when it comes back. [52:12.4 – 52:13.2] I don't like this. [52:13.2 – 52:20.2] Did you ever hear about the fella who got a new boomerang for his birthday, and he went crazy trying to get rid of the old one? [52:20.2 – 52:20.6] You know? [52:20.6 – 52:23.0] It just didn't work. [52:23.0 – 52:26.3] And this is what I think both hate and resentment can do. [52:26.3 – 52:36.4] Now, self-pity, I think we should all cultivate a feeling of gratitude that our problem is alcoholism, for which there is such a wonderful answer [52:36.4 – 52:37.2] as AA. [52:37.2 – 52:43.8] You know, there are people walking around who have problems, and they have no answers for them whatsoever. [52:43.8 – 52:45.1] We do. [52:45.1 – 52:55.1] And we not only can re-remain sober one day at a time, the AA way, but we can learn to live a better kind of life than we ever knew before. [52:55.1 – 53:02.1] I am serious about this when I say I'm grateful that I became an alcoholic. [53:02.1 – 53:07.8] The price was high, but the life has such a different meaning for me today. [53:07.8 – 53:12.0] I am– I have some peace of mind, which I thought was gone forever. [53:12.0 – 53:14.0] My sense of humor came back. [53:14.0 – 53:15.6] I thought that was gone forever. [53:15.6 – 53:21.7] I began to enjoy people and things again, and I thought my days of happiness were over, gone. [53:21.7 – 53:23.6] Not in AA, they're not. [53:23.6 – 53:33.6] Now that you get right in the middle and get with it and work at, at the program and work with the people in the program, life can be a rewarding thing in [53:33.6 – 53:36.7] spite of problems, and I've had my share of those. [53:36.7 – 53:42.6] Uh, I will never find an answer in a bottle that will help me. [53:42.6 – 53:43.4] Never. [53:43.4 – 53:44.7] And I'm convinced of this. [53:44.7 – 53:55.0] I would just as soon reach for a can of gasoline to put out a fire as I would to reach for a bottle to solve any of my problems because the alcohol would only [53:55.0 – 54:01.1] add to my misery, subtract from my happiness, divide my attention, and multiply my troubles. [54:01.1 – 54:04.7] And three years ago, my wonderful Art… [54:04.7 – 54:09.2] We have, uh, the, the two others mentioned their husbands. [54:09.2 – 54:15.9] Well, my hu- uh, uh, my husband, Art, became a wonderful guy after I sobered up, really wonderful. [54:15.9 – 54:19.6] And three years ago, he had a bad stroke, and I almost lost him. [54:19.6 – 54:24.1] It was, uh, 11 weeks in the hospital, and he recovered from that. [54:24.1 – 54:34.2] But in just recently, he got out of the hospital after spending four and a half months in there, [54:34.2 – 54:36.2] critically ill most of the time. [54:36.2 – 54:39.8] A team of doctors said that my husband could not recover. [54:39.8 – 54:42.6] There were too many things had gone wrong. [54:42.6 – 54:44.2] But I don't know. [54:44.2 – 54:49.8] I've acquired so much, uh, faith in AA, the miracles that we see. [54:49.8 – 54:56.2] You can't help but believe in a power greater than yourself after you've been around AAs for a while. [54:56.2 – 55:06.2] And any faith that I had has strengthened, and I kept thinking through this, "If God wills it, my husband will recover." Well, [55:06.2 – 55:12.7] I'm thankful to report that he's been out of the hospital about three months now, and nothing has gone wrong. [55:12.7 – 55:16.3] And it would take me 15 minutes to tell you all the things that were wrong. [55:16.3 – 55:19.0] And I just talked to him before I came here. [55:19.0 – 55:23.9] And by the way, Travis, don't worry, I'm using my Ohio Bill credit card. [55:23.9 – 55:29.1] I've talked to him several times, and he said, "Aren't you glad you went? [55:29.1 – 55:33.1] Oh, gee, I wish I were with you." He's so enthusiastic about AA. [55:33.1 – 55:34.0] He loves AA. [55:34.0 – 55:44.0] Someone asked him one time, "Aren't you happy with Anne in AA and everything going so good?" He, he said, "Happy?" He said, "I'm as happy as a skunk in a whirlwind." I don't think you [55:44.0 – 55:45.3] can get much happier than that. [55:45.3 – 55:51.7] But, uh, uh, several months after I was in the program, he got cut out of a closed conference. [55:51.7 – 55:54.2] It was for members only. [55:54.2 – 56:04.3] And I came home from that, and he said, "Anne, I've been doing a lot of thinking while you were away this weekend." And he said, "If I would tell these people in AA what was happening [56:04.3 – 56:11.5] to me when I was carrying the bottle with you," he said, "I believe that they'd let me go to those closed meetings." He said, "I th- I think I'm an alcoholic. [56:11.5 – 56:19.9] Really, I do." He said, "I read someplace you're an alcoholic if you say so, and I'm saying so." And he started qualifying for AA. [56:19.9 – 56:23.1] And if all he tells me is true, he's in the right place. [56:23.1 – 56:30.0] Uh, strange things were happening to him that last six months he was drinking with me, but I didn't see, and I didn't care. [56:30.0 – 56:35.8] And I said, "If you're telling the truth, you're, you're in the right place, okay." So we have a wonderful home life. [56:35.8 – 56:40.9] Uh, this is– See, when we're going downhill with that bottle… [56:40.9 – 56:42.1] What time do you have? [56:42.1 – 56:44.3] I'm not sure that I wound my watch today. [56:44.3 – 56:50.6] What time do you have? [56:50.6 – 56:51.6] We're trying to show up. [56:51.6 – 56:52.9] That's what time it is. [56:52.9 – 56:58.0] Well, uh, I'm going to, in just about one moment, uh, I'd like to close with this. [56:58.0 – 57:08.1] I hope I conveyed to you that I do have a feeling of deep gratitude for the help that you people have been to me and the help I receive [57:08.1 – 57:10.1] from the God of my understanding. [57:10.1 – 57:16.5] I'm so grateful to you for the new lease on life that you have given me. [57:16.5 – 57:26.6] It's a lease that runs for 24 hours only, but I have the option of renewing that lease [57:26.6 – 57:35.0] every day by seeking help from the right source, from God as I understand Him, and from AA. [57:35.0 – 57:41.4] And thank God for the way that AAs rally around when the going gets rough. [57:41.4 – 57:42.5] They give you strength. [57:42.5 – 57:44.1] They give you hope. [57:44.1 – 57:50.3] And then when they share their own experiences with you, that's the combination that really can help. [57:50.3 – 57:54.2] And day at a time, we can remain sober. [57:54.2 – 57:59.7] AA will work for us as long as we work AA. [57:59.7 – 58:02.9] Thanks for listening. [58:02.9 – 58:15.4] Oh, [58:15.4 – 58:17.2] Anne, we want to thank you. [58:17.2 – 58:19.3] You were simply wonderful. [58:19.3 – 58:26.5] And I believe that I understand the meaning of living forever and forever. [58:26.5 – 58:28.4] While Anne was speaking of Dr. [58:28.4 – 58:31.1] Bob, I could feel the spirit of Dr. [58:31.1 – 58:34.0] Bob in Anne and then in me. [58:34.0 – 58:44.3] And I'm sure that his spirit will live on and on right with us, just as Anne and so many of you, [58:44.3 – 58:46.7] we will always have you with us in spirit. [58:46.7 – 58:47.9] Thanks again. [58:47.9 – 58:51.9] And Travis, I want to thank you so much for giving me this privilege. [58:51.9 – 58:54.8] It's been a joy, one of the great joys of my life. [58:54.8 – 59:01.8] We've been asked by the management to immediately clear the room because they're going to set up for the banquet. [59:01.8 – 59:05.8] And so if you will, let's drink our coffee outside. [59:05.8 – 59:10.3] And thanks again, and we'll see you at the banquet at 7:00. [59:10.3 – 59:17.9] If you will, lift our joined hands, and repeat the Lord's Prayer. [59:17.9 – 59:22.6] Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. [59:22.6 – 59:28.4] Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. [59:28.4 – 59:37.7] Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. [59:37.7 – 59:47.7] And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, for thine [59:47.7 – 59:54.5] is the kingdom, the power, and the glory forever and ever. [59:54.5 – 59:54.8] Amen. [59:54.8 – 59:54.8] Amen.