Audio
Transcript
Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 905 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: thabo-spiritual-awakenings-nasac-cape-town-2005.mp3 Duration: 00:16:15
============================================================
I'm Thabo, an addict. Thanks for that. I guess I should start by thanking Neil for the no profanity thing, because it brought back a memory. When I was in rehab, there was this one guy who, for some reason, was highly impressed with the fact that I did not swear at all during the whole six weeks. And he would, and, I mean, he seemed to be the only person I ever met, at least in the last 20 years, or so, who thought there was something really just good about me. And I held on to it for quite a while, because it was the first time somebody actually sort of just thought I was just fine, the way I am in some ways. And because in rehab, there's all that breaking you down business, which is not working too well. And I held on to that one little thing that somebody thought I was actually worthwhile. And so, and he's gone back out to using, so it's a bit sad, but it's nice. I still remember him very well. It's always in my heart. And since in the last two years, that has changed a lot in recovery, I think that just whole no profanity disappears, and I'm quite comfortable swearing nowadays.
I didn't want to come to the convention, because it's so close to Cape Town. And every time I come to Cape Town, I mean, I came here when I was 17, to study at UCT. And, yeah, that was a mess. And I ended up going back to Jo'burg, because I discovered alcohol in Nigeria, and went back to Jo'burg, and spent 10 years now using alcohol as kind of my coping mechanism. And I came back again to live down here for two years, it was three years, I was about 28, and discovered drugs, and that was another big mess. And I left again.
And I really only come back here if it's for work, and I'm like, in, get to the meeting, get back on the plane and go back home. And so, I've got a few good friends that nag me a lot, and eventually I came down. And the reason I'm made for myself is simple. I need a different memory of this part of the world, besides just using, and it needs to happen sooner or later. And two years is enough time to stay hiding away from here, so I'm very glad I came. There's a lot of memories, and I was driving my friend up, bringing him here, and we happened to discuss where we used one of the old hangouts, and he told me it's still there.
And the first thing that came to my mind was, I should go see what it's like nowadays there. So, it's like, I'm still an addict, I just have to stay in the program. But I'm really, it's, yesterday, just for me, we do recover, and it was just last night at the party. It took me quite a while to get into the dance floor, and it's like, I got on, and the first thing when I got on was like, I was back to feeling like I was 17, which is that feeling of the only black guy who can't dance.
And you know, it's just like, and of course when I was 17, and the answer was, some alcohol would do just fine right now. And three weeks later, I had forgotten all of that shit, and I was going happily on. So, and of course later there was the drugs, and there was quite like a moment, I was going to go, get off the dance floor and go home, lie in bed, you know, just, that's me, normally. And I just thought, no fuck this, I haven't really had a good party in a long time.
And I was, you know, sit back and just remember like, some little nice party slogans like, throw your hands in the air like you just don't care, and shake it till you drop, and that was it. And I have had a wonderful time. It was like, it did not matter if, you know, like, all that self-consciousness. It's just I get self-conscious because I sweat, but I, and I get, ooh, must be stinking, and all that stuff that goes on in my head. But I had a great time. And it was actually, it was beautiful, and I really enjoyed it. And to me, it doesn't sound like the biggest change in life, but to actually have a, you're like on a dance floor for a few hours, and not have to drink and have a good time, that's something. And it's a great memory to have.
For me, I mean, those little awakenings, I mean, Douglas actually said it quite nicely. Because when I got into the program, freedom from active addiction is the only promise. And I mean, I was such a screwed up person that that was not enough. I just thought, eh, if all I get is that, I'm going to end up being 17 again, totally messed up, two voices in my head, going, running around, self-delusional like mad, but I'll be clean.
And it just did not work for me. But he also pointed out the other promise, and then people actually talk about the spiritual awakening. And I read the 12 Steps in Rehab, in the blue book, and for some reason, they kind of seemed to make sense, like they actually could do something useful.
[00:04:59]
And they held more to me than a promise of freedom from active addiction. It was more like the just for today, living and enjoying life. And the possibility that I could actually enjoy life was just too tantalizing for me. I just thought it should be worth it to just try it.
[00:05:16]
I don't commit to things much, and I didn't commit as much then. I just said, give it a shot for six months. If your life is still shit, well, go ahead and use it again. But if things are changing, then you've got a choice. And for once, you can do something about it. And that was, for me, where it started. The point when I finally started working up in rehab was when I just got fired while I was in rehab, which is a very fortunate thing. At the time, I was pissed off, but at the moment, I think it was the greatest thing that could have happened.
Because me and work and money are sort of the things that hold me to help my old self together. And I was like a final nail in the coffin. I was going to be unemployed, going to be living with my mother again, and that brings up enough issues. And it was like, you know, I just, I mean, honestly, at the time, I told my mother I hated her and she shouldn't have been allowed to raise children. So we never got on very well.
And I had to live back in that house. So it was like, it was big for me. But that's the point I started doing my step four. And it was the first time I could actually, my mind was still screwed, so it was actually quite good, because I couldn't judge anything I wrote. Because nowadays, when I try to do some step work, it's like, oh no, you can't do, you are not like that. That's not you, never. But then, I just wrote it. And it was the biggest load of, ooh. I cringe when I read my first step four. I believe in the huge step fours, and I think it actually does work. A lot of it is gunk, but at least the ten pages out of a hundred that make sense actually can change your life. And I wrote, I mean, it was like 80 pages and 40 pages on resentments and 20 on my mother alone. And it came out quite, it was bad.
And at the time, I just thought, oh no, the only thing I do wrong in life is I can never say no. I always say yes, and everyone just takes advantage of me, and blah blah. That's what I wrote down in my step book. And I suppose it could have stayed there, but it didn't. I mean, it took like six full months, so it's like, that's why I was wide open, to open up a little and to see the manipulations of my life.
That was such a load of bullshit, that part about, that I just, the only thing I couldn't do was say no. If I just said no, I'd be fine. Because I was actually playing my little game. And when I found out I was, so when I accepted I was gay, I was in a passing phase. I was about 17. I kind of had this fear of being thrown out of my family, and the one thing I decided to do was make myself indispensable, so if they ever thought of throwing me out, they just couldn't.
And so for like all my twenties I played this very strange game of pleasing them to death, and they were just like, be happy to take, you know, because somebody's offering, why not, say yes. And they took. But I developed this resentment, and that resentment poisoned my relationship with my entire family. Yes, this child is like my mother, but any chance of sorting it out in my twenties just fell out the window, just went that way, because I was building up this whole new load of resentment on top of it. And sitting through that, I remember lying in bed that day, and that just popped in my head, remembering what I was trying to do, why I did all that stuff, and it's like, oh, they're not to blame at all in this case, it's me.
And that's a moment, because it changes the perspective in life, it awakens you. I've had a lot of those things where the eyes just kind of open and you see something entirely different. My really first one was still the most important to me, because I was just out of rehab, and I was doing During the Day going home at night, which I preferred a lot, and this girl was sharing about how her father had beat her for doing something.
She was hitting her mother by accident, she was drunk. And I sat her in the wheelchair, and afterwards I said to her, you didn't deserve that. Now, I don't know about most people, but when somebody tells me something like that, I want to just tell them to F off and get out of my sight, because I'm not interested in your little pity. So it was quite odd that I would say it, and I was lying in bed that day, and I was like, what the heck was I actually saying that morning? It dawned on me that I was saying it to myself, that I didn't deserve any of what happened to me in my life, in the childhood, all that stuff. I was taking on too much of other people's stuff.
And it's just like it says to me, and when I kind of woke up that morning, I did not have to use again. I no longer had need to use, because compulsion is one thing, but there's also this need to use to get away from pain and feelings and stuff, but after that, it was like I didn't have to do that. All I had to do was stay clean every day, do that step work, because it obviously worked, and keep going on the program. And that's kind of what my process has been throughout all of this. And the whole first year was like, I'm sort of more like a step-working freak in some ways. My sponsor used to tell me, stop for a week, you need to stop writing, and let it sink in, and I'd be shouting and screaming back at him.
[00:10:15]
But it helped. It worked very well for me. I did a lot of work there, and all that has been about coming to love me. And I'm not that great at it. I mean, when I got in, my favourite four words were weird, ugly, disgusting and pathetic. That was me. Nowadays, I kind of worry that I'm fat, and I worry about stinking a lot. It's a big issue for me. It's another sort of compulsive behaviour of mine. But at least it's things that are more manageable, and I can start picking them up. There are little strands of it that happen in my life that make me… that actually I use to make myself upset a lot. I like to make myself upset. So, pick up anything. I know it's not real, but all of a sudden it's the biggest issue of my life, and I'm running around with it, and it's making my life unmanageable.
And all I do these days, I just go to my meetings. I'm a great believer in sharing whatever's on my mind, and I'm totally honest. And if somebody thinks I've got self-pity, that's their problem. I will share what's going on, and I will get through it, and I will… People say things eventually. My friends help me out, and I will actually… my mind will shift, and I'll clear up, and I'll move on past that thing. And it's a process, and there's always something else that's coming up, but I look back now, and I can say, I'm truly grateful to be in the program, because when I first got depressed when I was seven, I was suicidal when I was nine, and it's like a 20-year depression.
I just sat there waiting for something to happen. And what actually did happen, because Kirk said about addiction, fortune-teasing is kind of grateful. What actually happened was addiction. Alcohol wasn't enough. It just kept it going. Becoming an addict just totally made clear that something was wrong with my way of thinking. And that happened, and the first chance I got out of that was recovery, and I grabbed it as well as I can grab anything. And it works for me. It doesn't work for me the way that I thought, and I thought by now that at least I've paid off all my drug debts, but for the higher part of me, I seem to have a lot of issues around keeping me employed. I've been unemployed for like six months this year, and that was painful.
So I think I owe more now than I actually came into recovery, which is kind of scary, because I could buy a little house for that, and it's irritating me. But that's the stuff that will come over time as I keep working. I've got a lot more these days. My mother and I actually get on these days. I was talking to my psychiatrist and describing our relationship, because I hadn't seen him for like a year, and he goes to me, it sounds like it's a healthy relationship. And I'm like, since when? It's something different. We can actually talk without getting mad at each other, and I don't feel that I'm a useless piece of anything anymore. I'm actually quite happy to be me.
And I'm happy with my flaws as well when I work with them, but I kind of think the only thing I have to offer this program is me. Anybody can do literature. Anyone can go to a meeting. Anyone can do service. I do quite a bit of service, but I'm sure there's loads of people who could do parts of it better or even all of it better. But what I offer is me, and part of me is my flaws. And each time I work through my flaws, somebody who's got a similar one kind of can relate, and we can share about it afterwards, and we can actually start seeing our patterns in each other. And that works a lot for me, and it has worked, and that's the key to it for me.
So my flaws are part of me, and they will change. But at the moment, I'm the best person I need to be in recovery for the people around me as well. Because if I was perfect, they'd really have nothing to relate to with me. I could just sit there and just smile, and I'd be floating and levitating around them. But there would be no humanity, and I'm human, and I've got a few things that are still an issue.
Probably going to find more next year if I clear up these ones. And that's part of the growth process. That's part of who I am. And today I'm happy to be just me, with my odd little things that go on, and I find more things. And it's just like how things work is weird. Because I came down, and my main drug-using buddy, she's brought into the convention, which is something I never would have thought of two years ago, that we'd end up sitting around with a bunch of other addicts discussing recovery. And I thought we could come spend a healthy weekend in Cape Town. That is, just to me, that would be amazing.
And I have so many friends nowadays it's ridiculous because before I used to have a rule, you
[00:15:03]
were either an acquaintance and it's like a whole stick, you know, if you know somebody a little bit is an acquaintance but nowadays I relate so easily to people that I have so many friends and I look forward to my meetings every day, I might do three meetings a week now and I, because it's like, I still do that now because it's something that's good for me. I enjoy going. It's not that I think I'm going to get a great sense of recovery dust, it's just that I know that I'm going to meet people that I truly care for, that are now part of me more than I can and I would not want to live my life without them in it.
That's what I know at the moment. So for me, it's been, yeah, it's just been one of those journeys that I am truly grateful to have undergone and I look forward to much more because I know I've only just started, two years is not much, so I know that in the coming months, the coming years, I will change, I will grow and I look forward to being here at the next Cape Town Convention, I think in three years' time and we'll see what happens.
And my life is not necessarily great all the time but it's a challenge and it's a journey that I'm greatly enjoying. So thanks for letting me share.