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Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 920 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: ted-j-experience-strength-and-hope-in-recovery-na-2006-archive-920.mp3 Duration: 00:25:34
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My name is Ted. I'm a recovering addict. And I'm visiting from Amsterdam. And rumor has it there's a lot of drugs there. I actually travel there a lot. And I've been in and out of Europe a lot. I'm American, but I've lived in Europe for over 20 years. And I never got high much in Europe because it was always I thought I'd never get out of there if I started getting high. Anyway, I'll try to tell you a little bit about myself and things I've learned and the simplicity of distilling this program down and the simplicity of what it's come to and what people have given me.
And, you know, in the recovery text, it says we share experience, strength and hope. And I came in and it wasn't I mean, I liked drugs. I loved drugs. They didn't love me. It was an ugly divorce. But I mean, I liked him and I liked the ripping and running and I like the recklessness and I like the one foot in the grave. And I just thought I didn't think I was just in reaction. You know, I didn't grow up in a loving or nurturing environment.
I think the polite term today is dysfunctional family. That's that's yeah, that's polite. You know, and the things I've learned, it's like everything I've learned in this program I learned in the first 30 days. It's not, you know, it's not rocket science. You get clean. You help somebody else get clean. You know, you straighten your life up and you make peace, make peace with yourself, trying to make peace with people around you.
If you can't be polite and keep moving. You know, I just had a messy family. I got brothers that are, you know, not so nice and, you know, and I don't like them. They don't like me. And my parents are passed away and I never made a full amends. I tried and it wasn't really accepted. And I've been clean a long time and I relapsed a lot, a lot, a lot. I had enough white chips to open my own beginners meeting. So I was clean once for almost two years.
And I relapsed for almost two years in and out, in and out, in and out a few treatment centers. And, you know, I'd been in Paris a few times. I was always in and out of Europe and I always liked it. And somehow I just felt safer in Europe. And I, you know, I was in Paris once for a short period. I was clean. And, you know, before I went back to America and relapsed. And so I moved to Paris with 10 days clean.
And I stayed there for a year and I went to two meetings a day and I got a sponsor. And and it was at that point it was like nothing was more important. It's the same thing today. It's like nothing is more important than me being clean. That's the only guarantee they give you here. You know, you know, you can be drug free. The quality of my life, you know, the quality of your life depends on you, you know, how well you use it.
Addicts are above average intelligence because they spend so much time being clever, getting in and out of trouble. So that's not the problem. It's getting stuck with bad attitudes and conditioning. And, you know, I had bad attitudes before I ever picked up a drug. And I didn't necessarily, you know, I didn't care about them. You know, I just really had I didn't care. You know, I was taught not to care because I didn't. I just.
Apathetic. A lot of addicts come in egotistical. I came in apathetic. The glass is half full or half empty. Who stole the water? So, you know, it's like changing those attitudes and what I learned in those first 30 days, you know, go to meetings, get there on time, read the literature, get a sponsor, you know, help somebody. I've heard a lot of service talk and everything, and that's good. And I've made my contribution.
You know, I go to a meeting a week and no politics and I sponsor a few guys and I'm happy to do it. And I think the biggest service is to show up at a meeting and, you know, you always hear it a lot. You give somebody a cup of coffee or a handshake or a hug or something and you just try to be nice to somebody because coming in the door for the first time, you know, it's pretty scary.
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And people have come up to me and said, oh, you said hello to me and I don't remember who they are. And I just bluff and I said, yeah, great. Thanks. Hope you're well. And I mean, I mean it, but I don't remember. They, you know, short term memory loss. They told me about that about 20 years ago, but it lasts a long time and sometimes it's convenient and sometimes not. I'm supposed to remember a few things and then I get the ideas that if I can't remember it, it wasn't that important.
But that doesn't always work either. But the things I have learned in the steps I've taken and I do work the steps and I still have a sponsor. I called him yesterday and today and he's in Australia and in my community. I'm an older member and I have a support group and, you know, and I invite the guys around the girls around and I like to cook a little bit. So I cook, you know, simple things, but, you know, it's social and it brings people around.
And, you know, and I never cooked and someone told me, if you can read, you can cook. And I thought, wow, you know, I thought that was, you know, that was a revelation for me. I knew how to say I was hungry and I knew how to order. And, you know, and it's like I like my life and I don't have fantasies anymore. You know, I had so much euphoric recall of drug addiction and I had so much self-loathing and that was the thing.
And Narcotics Anonymous, you know, talks about we relate on a deeper level of feelings, you know. So I can, you know, if I can get out of the way of my own attitude and stuff like that. And, you know, just kind of touch into this program and ask somebody with some experience whether they have more time or not. It's like somebody comes in new and it's just their optimism and their hope is refreshing.
And, you know, their eyes are crossed and then you watch them land a little bit and it's rewarding, you know, and you've been part of helping that. It's easy for me to go to meetings. I used to go to lots of them for years and years. I went all the time, you know, because I just had a lot of poison in me, a lot of garbage, a lot of hurt and I didn't know what to do with it. So I didn't come in with a lot of feelings. I came in with confusion and just bad attitude.
And, you know, and I don't know the feelings of self-worth, you know, I think it's one of the worst things in any addicted type person, no matter what the addiction is. But the self-loathing and the lack of self-esteem is just terrible. And it goes on and on. I mean, every time you get your heart broken or you get messed up at a job or something happens, it's like you feel like you're the worst person in the world.
And, you know, so I, you know, I didn't get good training in the beginning. So I learned that I can retrain myself, you know, that I am, you know, I mean, I like myself. I'm reasonably happy. And but I didn't have that. I used to have a lot of self-loathing and all that. And I played off of it and I fed into all those attitudes. And, you know, all the drugs did was aggravate the attitudes. And so it was just, you know, it was a perfect match.
But today, I mean, to have some self-esteem and to know that you're a decent person and no matter how you do that, whether you, you know, daily do a ritual or you have a religion or, you know, a philosophy and you, you know, it's like you have bad attitudes and you've had them for so long. It's like you go down a certain road and then someone tells you to just move over just a couple inches. And that's the healthier way to travel. When you move over this couple inches, that's what feels awkward.
So you slip back to where you were and then it feels normal again because the bad attitudes have been there for so long. They are normal. Addicts love to talk about change. You know, we come in here all mum or mumbling or whatever it is. And we love to talk about change. And, you know, what we want is relief. And when we get relief, we go back to the same behaviors. And that merry-go-round is just treacherous, you know, to take, to really change, you know, in those first three steps, just being powerless.
And, you know, the second step is just trying not to do the same things over and over again and hit the panic button and, you know, think it's going to be different. And the third step of having faith that you're doing the right thing. It's, it's, the change is good. It's, it's, you know, getting relief is, you know, that's not it, man. I mean, I see these guys and girls and it's like, you know, they get somebody to kiss and a euro in their pocket
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and something to drive and it's like, gee, thanks for the memories, you know. Some of them come back, some don't, you know. And the guys I work with and the friends I have, it's, you know, I think it's not much to ask to show up for three hours a week, six hours a week, nine hours a week and take care of your recovery and help other people. You know, it's, it feels good to help other people. The self-centeredness of the addict is just that, that selfishness, me, me, me.
And, and that's one of the dilemmas where, you know, we're sensitive people. I'm a sensitive person. We're sensitive people, you know, and that sensitivity can be used for the good of things. You know, there's injustices and things and we can use that sensitivity to our advantage. And, you know, the simplicity of what we're given here to help another is to help yourself. I mean, that's not rocket science again. You know, you help someone else.
It breaks the self-centeredness of the individual, you know, and we're given that in the program. And when you shake somebody's hand or hug them or give them a coffee or, you know, say, here, sit down, you know, have them sit down next to you. And it's really a big deal, you know, it's really a big thing. We take that for granted because we're, you know, we're busy being pretty cool and trying to get somebody to kiss and something to drive and a euro in your pocket.
So the deeper level of feelings, you know, to have, you know, to, it says in the beginning of the program or somewhere in the early part of the literature, I think something about the spirituality, you know, it's a spiritual problem where that can be a life affirming philosophy. You know, the 12 steps are a vehicle and it's just a vehicle. You develop a life affirming philosophy. I mean, I'm agnostic and I don't I'm not hung up about prayer or God or anything like that.
And my third year recovery, I went back to the church and I just I just did it to do it and try to make peace and try to answer the third step. And I didn't answer it. But I got rid of the hostility that I had. You know, I was beat up by the penguins as a child. That's why I became an addict. But I went back and I talked to the priest and I tried to make peace with it. And when my mom died, it was very easy for me to go to the church and ask the guy to say a prayer for her.
And that and that and I knew I just had it was instinctive. So it was the right thing and it was good. So I'd made peace with that. And I've studied, you know, other philosophies a little bit. And I'm not a real disciplined person. And I've studied and, you know, you know, what's your higher power? You know, ask yourself, I mean, what's your higher power? What do you believe? We throw the word God around and I think it's the most manipulative word in English language or any language.
And it's so what is your higher power? Because, you know, it's like develop it, find out what it is. And if you were given something as a kid, go back and make peace with it or let it go and find something that's life affirming and loving and compassionate and take it from there. And, you know, I've developed a spirituality or a higher power of I just think it's love and compassion. I fall short of it, but it's an ideal and it's a definition, you know.
And, you know, the higher power, you know, you know, he's nicer than I am. She's nicer than I am and wiser and more understanding and more patient and more tolerant and more peaceful and more loving and more kind and funnier. And, you know, if I can draw on those spiritual aspects, if I can accent those spiritual aspects, you know, that's a spiritual life. That's a spiritual program. I don't need all the rituals, you know, I mean, they're good. They're OK.
But they're not they didn't suit me, you know, and I'm not there's no rebellion in me about religion or anything like that. I mean, I mean, rebellion to me is staying up past midnight, you know, calling somebody up. You know, that's it's you know, it's like my life is so safe, you know, and I kind of like it, you know. And but it's like developing that thing. And, you know, it's funny because we you know, we're all pretty smart and everything.
It's OK to use a dictionary if you don't know what the word is. You know, you're probably operating off a definition. You got it about seven years old anyway. And, you know, look up words. Dignity, integrity, you know, kindness, I don't know, anything. Just look them up in the dictionary. See what they say. See if it's the same definition you have.
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Or if your definition's better. And having that spirituality or having a higher power and drawing on it and being able… another person you know i mean i've made mistakes and i've had my heart broken terribly and i'm because i come with a screwy family it's like one of my areas that i'm not real good with you know so i've had my heart broken a few times that was just devastating and the thing about suffering and pain is that you're the only person that has it it's unique unto the individual right and happiness is universal you know and if you go towards something of happiness and peace it's a universal thing you everybody feels it but when you're suffering it's like yeah my heart's broken yeah but you don't know what it's like yeah but you know and you just start bleeding you know and and thankfully we have people that do listen and do help us and do give us some some direction and advice um but those emotions hurt and you know i just came in with a lot of um a lot of hurt and anger and and uh bad attitude and that all that's changed but it's changed slowly and maybe those relapses i had maybe that helped teach me to stay because i i watched people do a lot of service and committed like crazy and then the service was over and they were burned out and they quit the program and i've seen it more than once and uh i don't think it's necessary uh i just think there's a period where you make a contribution and then you you know take more focus on your personal life and that's just my opinion uh my mentor in paris you know i kind of dedicate my share to him a little bit when i think about him and um he was the first guy that he didn't want anything from me you know and i didn't understand that and uh i was just pretty confused and you know i did step work with him and um he was just this wise wonderful man and you know he became a father figure i didn't want anybody near my own age you know i and i would get older men because i just wanted a teacher student relationship i just wanted to learn how to do it better how to live better and um i know this guy i i go over to paris once a year and have lunch with him you know literally that's it because he after 40 years moved back to the states and um he just i did a fifth step with him and i was just so ashamed and guilty and all that stuff and there's nothing in those steps that i wouldn't share with anybody one-on-one today you know it's just the the um there's no poison in it i mean i wouldn't do it you know for entertainment or shock value or that you know i think everybody's got their their stories that's and they're always pretty ugly you know and and uh but that's it the pain is unique under the individual you know no matter what it was it hurts and that's what we want to get rid of and live a happier healthier life um i think that's that's my goal you know i i want to make better decisions i want to do things better you know i want to do it the right way um i make mistakes you know i do dumb things but i'm not stupid and i'm not dumb i'm human and it's very humbling you know um you know i do some creative things and and when i'm finished with them sometimes i just i feel really vulnerable almost shaky you know and i started thinking and it's like to learn we have to strip away all that old stuff and all those bad attitudes and there's a vulnerability in the change and when you're vulnerable you have a third step and when you're vulnerable you have a support group and when you're vulnerable you have a sponsor i mean coming in these rooms is a great deal man it's the best deal you ever had you know i don't know who's gonna stay and who's not i know but um it's not that hard you know it's not that hard it's just we're weird you know we're just weird funky people and you know oversensitive we think too much we feel too much you know get it in balance and maybe get that as the goal but it takes time i mean you've been damaged and wounded and all those things for years upon years and all those bad habits but um it's not that hard you know make peace make peace with yourself and then help somebody next to you make peace with them and it's it's really rewarding i mean i i lived in cape town for a while a few years ago and i really enjoyed it and made some nice friends and and i just you know i enjoy coming here and i've lived in other places and you know amsterdam is home and um that's nice to get all those compliments from taco and um you know it's never easy i i hear people say they go to another fellowship because of the recovery this or the recovery that it's like what the fuck you want you want someone else to work you live your life you know it's uh i wasn't gonna curse either that
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every time i get excited i curse so the gong here five more minutes well i you know i mean i can chatter but no i have learned things and i and i just you know drugs equal pain drugs equal suffering you know they don't equal ease they don't equal comfort they don't equal confidence you know they they just they equate to suffering you know i just i have no fantasies man and i see some folks in amsterdam and they just they're whacked and it's like man it is not attractive you know and all my heroes used to be all the self-destructive guys all the you know all the guys with one foot in the grave and all the you know artists and rock stars i can thank all of them for helping me get in recovery because i wanted to be like them but the only thing i had in common was excess you know and my disease today you know if it's active it's when my emotions and my thoughts are in excess you know when when i'm thinking and feeling and i'm just you know out of you know in heat my hair is on fire and my brain's burning up that's when the disease is you know and i need to be help i need help being brought down and you know the nicest thing you can do is just ask for help and there's always someone to help you know you know if you look you'll find the right person um i don't know what do you want no well you know i was just thinking i was talking with somebody last night and uh and uh so i i never know how to end these things you know and and i'm sometimes i'm comfortable and sometimes not and and usually i am because it's nobody wants to see you fail and and you know you have and you share experience strength and hope and it's and it's recovery and it's easy you know but i mean you know we all people want to write books and make movies and everything and they you know and i was thinking it's like you know why don't they make a movie called addicts man you know it's like they got superman and they got batman and they got spider man you know i mean addict man has superpowers you know you know he sees things other people don't see he hears things other people don't hear he has x-ray vision he can read mail before it's opened and he knows what you're thinking and all the actors and actresses you know i mean they're right here you know your house is burning down your life's a complete mess hey man how you doing cool everything's fine no problem here we got it all um you know i used to live down the street from the anne frank house and i was always touched you know she was like 14 years old and you know what i'm talking about is gratitude and optimism and stuff like that and she just said and in spite of everything i still believe that people are basically good at heart you know and that's a wonderful sentiment and it's something find a piece of wisdom find a piece of spirituality and put it in your pocket and carry it around and change it up once in a while and the gratitude of something is the shortest route to a higher power is gratitude you know and i used to think gratitude was advanced recovery you know somebody's i'm grateful man let me look in your eyes i i was just miserable i know misery i don't know great you know grateful and you know they say drugs will kill you it's like oh you know and they told the truth you're going to live a long miserable life you might have listened you know as bad as you feel this morning you're going to feel like that every day of your life you know you might have paid attention you know you've got self-destruction here short-term relief long-term misery over here on one hand you got a recovery text over here you know what this will do they're giving you all these promises of what this will do i think i'll take this one you know i think i'll take the destructive one because i'll go for the short term you know go for the long term you know and it's like i am grateful i'm grateful when i ride my bicycle in amsterdam i'm grateful when i eat a sweet apple i'm grateful to be here i'm grateful to be asked here you know i'm i'm grateful to see a pretty girl i'm grateful to hug somebody and just have a good meal and a good laugh and you know make new friends and i and i love traveling so i'm grateful that i'm able to do that and you know it's just it's a good life you know and that's it just needs to be fine-tuned a little bit you know sometimes some people a little more than
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others you know be nice to yourself be nice to other people you know help yourself and help other people it's not fucking rocket science i won't cuss anymore thank you