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Source: Susan H – Easier Softer Way NA Group – Date Unknown.mp3 File: susan-h-freedom-of-an-awakening-spirit-workshop-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:25:41
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And now, we get to meet my new friend, Susan H., who is from Arkansas, but was previously from Alaska. Alright, I am Susan, and I am an addict, and man, this is incredible. This is my very first ever world convention, and I get to, yeah, and I get asked to speak at a workshop. It's just, it's awesome how good God is, and how huge NA is. I mean, yesterday, I made the mistake of coming in and looking at this room, and, because, you know, I'm used to Alaska, where I got clean.
You know, workshops are like four or five people, maybe, and then in Arkansas, maybe we have ten or twelve. So, I looked at this room yesterday. I didn't sleep at all last night, because, you know, since I was asked to do this, I have done nothing but think about what is a freedom of an awakening spirit? What does that mean to me? You know, I spent a lot of time before I got to NA looking for that connection, looking for something to fill up that void.
I grew up in Harrison, Arkansas, about two days away from here by car, and we had, I had a great life, but I was, I always felt insecure, shy. I didn't, I just never felt like I fit in until I met up with drugs, and then I found what I thought was freedom. You know, those mood-altering, mind-expanding experiences we get to have, I thought I'd found it, and, you know, it was okay for a while, and it wasn't until I chased that high all the way to Alaska, not because the job offer was that great, but the bars were open till five, and, you know, my drug of choice was growing free and legal back then in Alaska, and it happened to be the same year that NA came to Texas from California, so, you know, 78 was a good year for NA, and I thought it was a good year for me, but I almost got busted at the border, so it could have been a whole different story, but I got to Alaska and, you know, developed more of my story there and found recovery, found people that are here today.
You know, last night I went to the Narathon meeting at 10 o'clock and happened upon three women that I got clean with in Alaska, and we sat there during the meeting, and after the meeting, one of them said, you know, there were over 80 years of recovery in this row with the four of us, and we, you know, Alaska has good recovery. I was wishing that they had included Alaska on, because I put it on my name tag, Arkansas via Alaska, because without my Alaska experience, I wouldn't have NA in my life.
I wouldn't have a life, and, you know, it all started March 13, 1984 in Anchorage, Alaska, and, you know, we grew up. We didn't have much of literature back then, and, you know, we practiced together trying to figure out how to do meetings, how to do an area, how to form a region, and before I left there, I got to be regional secretary and regional chair. I mean, you get to do lots of things in a small region, and I come down here after I retire, and with retirement, I have more time to get involved with service, and that to me is one of the most important things about this spiritual awakening and the freedom, the freedom to share what it is we've gained, and as I thought about spiritual awakening, spiritual experiences, I turned to the NA literature, which I love.
I mean, it's absolutely written in my language, written to my heart. It speaks with a voice that I understand and I relate to. So I turned to the Just for Today and the basic text and it works, how and why. The Just for Today has only two listings for freedom and eight for spiritual awakening. I've read all those over and over, but every darn page in that book speaks to freedom and spiritual awakening.
Everything we do in recovery speaks to freedom and that spiritual awakening. You know, the spiritual awakening, spiritual experiences come in lots of different forms. When you Google, I tried that too, you Google and you get 1,020,000 hits for spiritual awakening, and I started thinking more about the sorts of spiritual experiences I've heard about around NA, and the best by far happened to be reminded to me last night when Patty came in and told me about the, you know, many of us have the educational variety of spiritual awakenings,
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but Patty talked about the difference in the burning bush type.
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And, you know, it happened to go along with the bad case of crabs. But, you know, that's really the only burning bush experience I've heard about in NA. And, you know, that first year I really wanted the eight by ten glossy with the words on the back about what I'm supposed to do. But, you know, it's just a series of events, a series of getting through stuff, and knowing that I'm free today to get through it without having to use, without having to run and hide.
I'm free to be okay to be me today. I'm free to be here now. And what an incredible place to be. It's just, it amazes me. And, you know, it's a 12-step workshop, so I started reading about the 12th step too. And the 12th step, as was pointed out with Boyd, every step is included in that 12th step. And for me, you know, someone from Arkansas, I spoke one place up in Oklahoma, and when I saw them yesterday they said, oh, it's simply Susan, because that's how my husband introduced me.
And that whole simply Susan, you know, this is a simple spiritual, not religious program, but simply Susan was a result of my Alaskan experience too, because when I come in, and I think it's probably true in a lot of places, there are a lot of hip, slick, and cool folks around NA. I wasn't one of them. And, you know, I categorized the women as the Barbie dolls and the men as, you know, the Kens of the program.
And so, you know, I didn't really hang out with those people. And luckily I got clean with some people that had values similar to mine. And later I began to realize that those Barbie dolls were just like me too. And, you know, it's not about look good. I was telling somebody before the meeting, I started to wear my high platform little shoes today, but after looking at this room and these steps I decided look good wasn't that important.
And I am tall enough to see over the podium, so the look good isn't that important in this program. It's about what is inside and what happens to us as a result. And as a result of coming to lots of gatherings like this, my first year in recovery, simplifying those 12 steps into six words has been one of the most powerful things that's happened for me, because it became a mantra that I could say. When I'm trusting God, cleaning house, and helping others, I am working the steps.
I'm living the program. I'm free to experience all that God has to offer for me. And it's incredible the things that happen. So, you know, as I'm preparing to get here, thinking about what am I going to do, what am I going to say, I've got massive notes I didn't bring up here because it would just confuse me to try to look at those. But one of the things that happened, and it's how God works in my life today, I went to, I just get busy doing the work of the fellowship, doing the work of recovery.
And just last weekend I was asked to participate in a sponsorship workshop, and it was a birthday month, a celebration of birthdays for the month of August. And in my little hometown, when I would come home every year from Alaska with my babies to visit family, I'd look for N.A. in Harrison, Arkansas, and it was hard to find N.A. in Harrison. There were times I'd come home and hear about a meeting, go to the church, and there was a newcomer in the parking lot and nobody there to open the door.
I mean, that's tragic. That shouldn't happen anywhere. Today in Harrison, Arkansas, since I retired and moved back two years ago, and Chrissy moved from Kansas, I mean, people do move to Harrison, Arkansas from other places. And, you know, we have two meetings every day. And, you know, and we have newcomers, you know, people, I say newcomers, we have two guys here from Harrison that have two years clean now.
I mean, this program is working, and it's all a matter of us sharing what we get, you know, keeping it by giving it away and doing the work of N.A. So, you know, I think, and I did the sponsorship thing, and it was great, and I went to our little N.A. birthday night, and Chrissy had the most time with seven years. But the next night I went to the other fellowship because one of the things in a small town, it's like 12,000 people, I do have to go to the other fellowship to find lengths of clean time.
There was 34 and 44 years at this meeting, and, you know, I want to be one of those. I'm going to that workshop today about aging and recovery because, you know, I am getting older,
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and it's okay because I've never been better, and I'm free to keep getting better. I learned how to be good in this program, and I get to learn how to be better. And, you know, the body may go to hell, but my spirit is free. It's free because of this program. You know, the glimmers of the spiritual awakening before I got here when I was a kid, you know, in the hills, in the woods, I'm a real nature person.
And my grandmother would talk to me about God and how good God was. She never went to church a day in her life. And, you know, I had that God, and then I had the conflicting, condemning, score-keeping God of my youth from that church that I went to for a while. And, you know, and I have glimmers of freedom when I convinced my dad I had to have horses. You know, out on a horse, let me tell you, even Google tells you there's a spiritual way to find God on the back of a horse.
And it really helps with balance and trust of something bigger than you and mutual respect. And, you know, I had a great time, but I had to sell my horses when I went to college. And, you know, it was then that I started using it, and I think that, you know, cut off some of that spiritual connection I had as a kid. And I went about life and always dreamed of having horses again, and I now have horses again.
And this all fits into the body may go to hell, because be careful what you dream of. I got my two horses, and three months later, my saddle broke, and I broke my back and eight ribs. And talk about my body going to hell. I was laid up for, I mean, this was just last year. But because of my spirit being free and my ability to trust God to help me through it, and, you know, having done a little yoga and having some flexibility beforehand was a benefit.
You know, I heal completely, and I'm riding every day now. And, you know, it's just God is so good. God is so incredibly good for all of us. And I look out at this room and people that have been around longer than I have. I mean, that's one of the great things about coming to World is that you get to see people that were there when you came in. And I had two good lessons about always think about what you're saying to someone when you talk to them.
Donna, who's here from Alaska, called me one night and asked me to play bunco the next night. And I said, oh, I can't play bunco. I'm too busy. And after we hung up, I said, darn, I didn't tell her I love her, because I love Donna. She sent me from Australia her medallion. She's a year older than I am in recovery, and she sent me a medallion. The next day she had this massive stroke that, you know, she almost died, and she's here today.
She's here. And I am so grateful that healing happens. You know, the body may go to hell, but the spirit is free. And when we come to things like this, we're just reminded of how awesome and how good this thing we have in N.A. is. And I want to keep it alive. I want to do what I need to do. I want to be where I need to be. I don't go to as many meetings as my husband, who is the Oliver Wendell Douglas from Green Acres.
He's a banker boy from Wall Street who married a geriatric Ellie May who drug him back to Beverly Hills, the Beverly Hillbillies. But, you know, I am a simple Ozark hillbilly. And it was Jimmy B. in Alaska who, when I finally, you know, I had a lot of time, and he nearly died and came back in, and he got some real humility, we had a nice time together. I mean, just good time. But one time he said, I can't believe I'm spending time with you.
You're such a plain Jane. And because he was always, you know, it was a good girl on his arm. And I just thought a minute, and I said, you know, it's not that I'm a plain Jane. I'm simply Susan. You know, and I am. I just want to be simply spiritually connected today. And I want to be able to have this program available to anyone who needs it. When I was in Alaska and got the call from World, I was up there.
I still have a house. That's why I can claim Alaska. I've got kind of a dual residency. I have a house and three kids in Anchorage. And I was up there visiting them. But the week before I went up, I got another call that reminded me of the, you know, how important every word we say to anyone is. This young woman who I had taken to meetings when she moved up to Anchorage, she had finished one level of her nursing program and wanted me to write her a letter of recommendation.
I'm so glad I sat down and talked to her and listened to what was happening. I failed to ask her if she was staying clean because the next day, her eight-year-old son found her dead of an overdose. And this was the daughter of one of my dearest friends in recovery.
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So, you know, I'm up in Alaska. You know, my kids hadn't vacuumed or mowed the yard since I'd been there in January, so you don't have to mow much in the winter, but the summer it grows really fast. But, you know, I was working my tail off and trying to be there for my friend, and I get this call from World about coming here to do this thing. And, you know, when they told me the topic, how could I, anybody say no to that?
I mean, because it is such a gift we've been given. You mentioned the benefits, they're gifts, you know, and the freedom that we have. So I was preparing for all this. I called my sponsor, too, on Sunday after I'd done the workshop and had done the birthday celebrations and heard all this wonderful stuff about recovery. And, you know, I'm feeling a little more spiritual, and I told my sponsor, you know, I am nervous about doing this.
I just don't know what to do. She said, well, Susan, it's not about you. You know, and it's not. But, you know, this program was created the year I was born. And so, you know, maybe it is. And in Alaska, our regional convention happens on my anniversary of my clean time, too. They had their first convention the first year I got clean. And years ago, at the 10th, I think, my sponsor bought one of the early basic texts.
And, man, is there a difference in those early basic texts. And now with everybody signing it at the 10th convention, Scott and I got it at the 20th. I'm hoping that they'll invite me back for the 30th, and I'll bring the book with me to re-auction. Because, you know, it's just such history, the people that have been there. And, you know, the longer we're around, the more people we have known that didn't make it die in recovery.
And, you know, the spiritual awakening thing, it's okay to die today. I don't think it's okay that an addict die seeking recovery. That's why I believe N.A. in service is so important and why I do as much as I do. Because I want the Serenas… I have a bracelet from Serena that she made that has a butterfly on it. You know, I want the transformation to happen here, not as we leave. And the transformation can happen as a result of working these steps, trusting God, cleaning house, and helping others.
One of the big freedoms for me has been learning how to stand in my truth. My sponsor in Alaska, whose husband is named Boyd, the only other Boyd I know, but Debbie used to call me on my subtle southern bullshit in Alaska. You know, I could work something, you know, massage it and embroider it to work for me, and she would call me on that stuff. And she's helped me learn about my truths. And my truths are somewhat represented by the pendant that I wear, you know, the white woman's totem that I created for myself in my Alaskan experience, started with a Tlingit eagle for strength and beauty when I felt so fat and frumpy, and trapped in a very destructive, abusive relationship with six years clean.
It took me that long to figure out that, you know, progress in recovery wasn't from thoughts of suicide to homicide, but I could divorce. You know, I didn't have to stay stuck, and I didn't have to just hope he'd die. And, you know, so that eagle helped me find that strength and freedom. And then later on I had a disaster. You know how we get into relationships and we think that N.A. is a good place to find a partner?
I mean, I had the radar for the sickest in the room, and, you know, I married one that was so charming, and what a nightmare that turned out to be. So I claimed the owl for some wisdom. And it was at that point my sponsor suggested, maybe you should have a partner selection committee, Susan. You know, because I was making a series of bad choices. So I did. So the owl represents that partner selection committee, and getting wisdom from other people.
You know, it's not my best thinking. You know, it's not always that good. So, and then later, when I did finally, I was having the time of my life with someone I met, who many on my partner selection committee thought might be the one, he got murdered. And so I took my kids to Hawaii for a first vacation. The only vacations my kids ever knew were going to Arkansas. But a friend let me use her place in Hawaii in 99.
And there I found the turtle that helped me. You know, I knew I needed to cocoon and, you know, get in and just take care of myself
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and get in touch with what I needed to heal and to grow and to just take it real slow. And so I got a turtle in Hawaii and added that to my pendant. And then a couple years later I won a trip to Hawaii and took my daughter, just me and my daughter, beautiful, total recovery baby, born in 87, who we had a great time. And meetings on the beach every morning and every night and dolphins swimming outside our condo.
And I claim the dolphin for the fun and the freedom, which we get to find here in this program at an event like this. I mean, this truly is an acceptable mind and mood altering experience. I mean, you know, I just, it blows my mind how huge this is. And I haven't done anything drug wise. So I'm just, I am so, so grateful to be here. And just recently I added my last, I don't have any more room for any animals around my neck, but I added a beaver because my home area does a beaver roundup every [unclear].
And it represents coming home the N.A. way because the beaver, you know, my great grandpa was Beaver Jim and his son was Billy Beaver. And I used to get teased when I was a kid saying I was as hot as a beaver. And I couldn't understand why they were teasing me about that until later I understood more about beavers. But I also, in Alaska, I was fortunate I lived next to this creek that I would, you know, walking and talking with God, my dog and God, every day I took walks and talked with God and my dog.
And there was a beaver family that built this big dam on this creek. And, you know, I'd watched how hard this mother beaver was working. And one day something had destroyed her little dam in her home. But I went back a couple of days later and the dam was back. That darn beaver was able to build it back. And, you know, so today the beaver represents, you know, that coming home and helping myself rebuild my life and helping accompanying others, you know, that accompanying of a sponsee on this journey of working the steps.
It's so incredible to watch the light come on, you know, that awakening happen. And I get to because I'm retired. I'm working two jobs, but I say I'm retired. I do have more time and, you know, I love working with newcomers. I love working with people that have some time because I learn so much from everyone I encounter. And I'm going to be encountering a lot of folks on this weekend. And, you know, it's so incredible the people that I've known before, the people that I'm getting to know, and God with us all in finding that freedom.
I never did get to the slips of paper that are going around because that was the thing my sponsor also, I was telling her, you know, a workshop to me, I'm an educator, nurse educator, and I was thinking a workshop needs to have some interactive element, you know. You need to have, you know, I don't have a PowerPoint. I don't have anything like that. But I could have everybody write a little slip of paper about, as a result of my spiritual awakening, I am free to.
But when I looked at this room, I said, oh, my God, I don't have enough paper or pencils. So there's a little notepad going around, thanks to the hotel we stayed in in Dallas, that if you get a chance, because I did have people in my home group in Harrison, I wanted to bring some of their thoughts with me, and I have them with me, and I want to take some of you back with me to them. So if you get a chance, give me a little note about what freedom of an awakening spirit means to you.
Because it is, it is like snowflakes, you know. Everybody has a different experience. We have a common solution, but our individual stories give us an opportunity to find our own freedoms and to tap into this collective, you know, that's the thing about this interactive thing I love with NA, is that it's a collective experience. Together we can do. And last night, that workshop we went to, I wanted to say something, but ran out of time.
In Arkansas, we're doing consensus building decision making, and that is so exciting. You know, I heard somebody at that meeting last night talk about Robert's Rules of Order. Do you know any addicts that like rules? You know, I don't. But consensus, I mean, that's group conscience, and that's the spiritual principles in action. And, you know, another reason I love NA is that we're progressive. We're able to look at something and look at a model that might work better in helping us do the business of NA and get the benefits, know the freedom, and have fun.
And that's what a convention is all about. So I'm glad I got to be first on the eye opener, I mean, first in the morning getting this over with with the convention
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because I've been a nervous wreck, and now I'm done. And I just, I thank all of you. I thank all of you for what you share, what you give, and keep coming back. Thank you. And we never did get a chairperson, so I guess we get to close in the usual manner. Oh, another Alaskan. Ah! They're everywhere. And all those Arkies, too. Woo!