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Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 929 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: senzo-a-new-way-of-life-nasac-durban-2007.mp3 Duration: 00:18:29
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Hi, I'm an addict. My name is Senzo. It's good to be here. I want to thank everyone to make this thing possible, that I'm here today. I want to thank N.A. I want to thank God for the opportunity to stand here before you, just to share a little bit of my own life or interpretation of a new way of life that began when I started the N.A. program. Where's the water? Sorry. I think I'm going to lose my voice today because I'm so nervous.
Yeah, let me take you back in the days when I, how this whole thing started. I started using at an early age of 12 years, you know, slowly with my Zulu beer when there were functions at home. I started sipping Zulu beer and went on to high school. I was a heavy drinker, actually at my matric level. I was drinking a lot and my using of zol started there as well, you know, back in the high school days.
But at that time I couldn't afford all my things, you know, material things as such, you know, to be able to buy and own my own pipe, things like that, buy my own zol. I was only pumping at the time, but as a habit this didn't grow up until my tertiary education level, until I actually qualified and got a job. And then now I thought, yeah, I can afford everything. I can afford my own scapes, you know, get my own pipe.
Now I'm the man. My parents are not going to tell me I must stop smoking because now this is my money I'm talking about. I'm working and end of the month I get paid. So I deserve to have a packet of zol and some booze, you know, end of the month, just to celebrate whatever I'm celebrating. But mainly I was just, you know, that's how this whole thing started. It was fun at the beginning because, you know, yeah, we had fun partying, smoking, doing all the things that, you know, teenagers do to enjoy themselves and got high and everything. But it came a time now when this life began to really interfere with the rest of my program, you know.
That's when the unmanageability started and I wasn't performing that well at work and, you know, late nights, sleepless nights. At that time the zol and booze were not, you know, sufficient to get me that high. I needed something that would take me up there quicker and faster and with less effort, you know what I'm saying. So, yeah, that's when I went for the heavy stuff, you know, which I'm not going to mention now, but yeah, that's how I went for heavy stuff.
Before you know it, you know, at the end of the month you get paid and the next day you're just as broke as you're actually not working, you know what I'm saying. You find yourself haven't paid your lights and water, haven't paid your school fees. There were two kids that are going to school that, you know, I'm a guardian to. It was all not taken care of and it came a time that I started lying now.
I had to get money somehow. I had to make a plan and somehow get money to try and pay my debts because when the end of the month came I never paid the debts. I only used the money to get high and, you know, I was chasing that second fix and once I took that first one I couldn't catch the second one no matter how hard I tried.
[00:05:00]
And during that process from the first fix to the second fix I did a lot of things and manipulative things. I stole from my own house. I had a house. I lied to a lot of people. I lied to my mom, my brothers. I took money from them and told them I had to pay more for the school fees for my kids. I have to pay more for the lights because I couldn't pay the previous month but when they gave me that money I just, within a couple of hours it will be finished. I'll use it all, you know.
At a certain point I was hurting so badly that I couldn't look at myself in the mirror and the pain and the deceit that I had done and manipulating the people who were close to me, you know, and finding ways of getting that next fix which, as you all know, is not easy to get that second one. You can spend all you want but you'll never get the second fix. Yeah, I got to a time where I actually used my company vehicle card, petrol card to get money, you know, to buy more stuff and straight away that's how I lost my job. Straight away fired, you know.
And yeah, when I lost the job I carried on, you know. I couldn't see myself having to live, you know, the scape. I mean, I see other people scaping, no problem, everything is cool. How could I have left this thing here because it rocks, you know. But yeah, and then, you know, when you're working you save all your money, pension money and investments. That too I claimed and within a couple of months or weeks I was broke and, you know, now I had to move back at home, stay with my parents and yeah, I sold my house. I couldn't afford paying for it.
Made a profit there and did the same thing. So this carried on and on to a point of desperation until I saw that, you know, Senzo has fallen, you know. I hit the very rock bottom, you know. I don't know how to explain it but the feeling of emptiness and the void within yourself that you never know how to close that gap, the emptiness within you. Yeah, and then I'd been to doctors trying to explain my case but all they gave me a couple of prescriptions which didn't work for me, you know. They were not sufficient, inadequate for me.
I wanted something to work, you know, instant gratification. I wanted something to work right away, you know. I never thought of something that was to work hard and reach a goal and be focused because of the insanity that due to my using, you know. I couldn't, no planning, everything was just deurmekaar, you know, my life deurmekaar, completely junky kind of person. There came a time in my life that I was tired of this life. I could remember speaking to my brother, my family, my mum, telling me, I don't know, I don't know what to do, I need help now, I need help.
So they recommended, no, right, rehab. My sister advised rehab, right. When I went to rehab I was already like a couple of days or say two weeks clean because, you know, you can want to be clean but the compulsiveness of this disease will force you to use, you know.
[00:10:08]
And it will make you justify your using although you actually don't want to pick up but you end up picking up. That's how my life was, you know. I never wanted anymore and I just couldn't. When I saw it I picked up and the remorse after that, you know, the pain, the next morning everything just, you know, comes back to you and you feel so bad when you see the turmoil that you've been through, all the chaos.
I don't have enough words to explain the feelings that the drugs did to me at that time. I was very desperate, right. But when I got to rehab, you know, I told them, hey, I was clean already so, yeah, things are going to work out hopefully. But I didn't know of any N.A. or A.A. because where we live in the farm there, there's no N.A. there, you know. There's no fellowship whatsoever. Only thing is going to church, you know, Sunday school and that's it.
Yeah, but when I heard in the rehab program now there's going to be a fellowship meeting on the Thursday evening, I said, well, yeah, well, let's go and see what's happening. I wanted to try everything that could possibly work for me, you know. I tried almost everything to the best of my ability to quit, but I didn't know I had a disease. This disease kept on resurfacing and the character defects were always with me and I wasn't even aware that I had a disease or defects whatsoever.
Right, but now when I go to this meeting, I saw this guy sitting up in the front or in the stage there. They told us, asked us, are we addicts? Why are we here? Yeah, that was the question. From the first guy, we need to say, why are you here, you know. And then I told them, I'm here for drugs, you know. And they said to me, yeah, when we finish with this meeting, you see that guy will give you drugs, you know.
And I heard other people say, you know, we're here to recover from our disease of addiction. And that to me rang the bell, you know. Oh, I should have said that, you know. I shouldn't have said, I'm here for drugs. You know, and yeah, now, I'm stupid. So yeah, it carried on. But now, this guy was sitting here in the front and he started the story now, you know. He started sharing, to mention the name. There were a couple of guys that I told them, yeah, I saw you in the rehab. I'm not going to mention their names now.
But you know, I'm just going to say one guy, one of those guys was Dennis. Dennis, thanks, thanks a lot. And you know, yeah, he was sharing. When I looked at this guy, he was like, how could this guy have lived this kind of life that I've been through? I never thought anybody in the world would have shed or been through the same mess and the same shit that, you know, I had done. The loss of a job, the unmanageability, the low self-esteem that, you know, that was quick.
That this drug gave me. But now, yeah, I could see a lot of him in me and I could see a lot of me in this guy. And then I thought to myself, no, this guy also said, you know, that all can change. You know, N.A. has done so much to this guy that all that pain and defects, it changes life around. He's found a new way of living through the N.A. and the God of his understanding through this program.
[00:15:04]
And so I was desperate to get into this program. And, you know, today I'm very thankful for those couple of guys that brought this message of recovery to me because without those N.A. members that were in that institution, I wouldn't be here today. I wouldn't have found this way of life. I wouldn't have seen or met or found this God that I found through the N.A. program. I wouldn't have witnessed this miracle that I see happening every day in my life when I stay for one day clean without having to pick up, you know.
To me, that's a miracle. I see, I witness the miracle of God happening to me today because of this program and because of you people that are sitting in front of me. And for that, I do not have the words to explain what is in my heart, you know, to explain all the love that I'm getting, all the sympathy, you know. I just didn't expect it to happen to me. I thought, you know, my life was the end because of the way I wanted things to happen quickly.
But, yeah, today I found a new way of life through N.A. And without N.A., I would probably have been, you know, dead or institutionalized. Yeah. And I'm very grateful today for this program. Like I said, I don't have enough words to say what is in my heart. Why was it so quick? Yeah, unfortunately, time is up, but my whole prep, I'm not done yet. But, yeah, I appreciate it a lot, and I love you all very much, you know.
I identify with every speaker that was sharing here since the convention started. All that to me is just, you know, the message that God is sending through you people that I witness every day happening in my life because I needed to change. And through N.A., I see myself in a better state today, and I don't know how can I appreciate that. I mean, I appreciate it a lot. I can see me changing. I can see myself going down to my knees every day, just thanking God.
And today I want to say, please, God, keep me clean for yet another day. Thank you very much. Thanks. Thank you.