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Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 937 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: marissa-results-of-recovery-na-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:21:49
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I'm Marissa. I'm an addict. I found myself driving home last night obsessing about what I was going to say today, and I had to start praying. But I'm grateful to be here. I'm grateful to have the opportunity to share my experience, strength, and hope, regardless of how nerve-wracking it may be. I always feel like my voice sounds really weird when it gets projected. It sounds a lot different when I'm just talking. So I get real self-conscious.
Results of recovery. It's a pretty easy topic to share on. There's a lot of results. When I first came into the rooms, I was in my junior year of high school. I'm a young'un. I got arrested at school and sent to a treatment center. And at that time, I didn't know that I could live and have fun without the use of drugs. And, you know, I told myself, I'm going to use when I get out of treatment. And then I got out of treatment, and I was like, oh, well, I got to go to court, so I'll just use after I go to court.
And I went to court, and they put me on probation, so I was like, I'll just use after I get off probation. And then I got off probation, and I didn't want to use. And, you know, I came in, and my treatment center actually made us get a home group and a sponsor on our first home visit. And so I got a home group. I still have the same home group. It's the KISS group in Christiansburg. Wednesdays and Fridays at 8 o'clock.
It's the best home group in the world. We're very humble. And, you know, my first sponsor, she bought me a step-working guide because the treatment center I was at, they gave us a basic text, and I got that it works. And she bought me a step-working guide, and I told her, okay, I'll pay you back next week. You know, I'll have to ask my parents for some money. And she said, no, you pay me back by buying one for somebody else.
And I did that, you know. When I got a sponsee, I bought one for them. And it felt good, you know, to give back what was given to me. And before I got clean, I thought that I would die before the age of 18. You know, I didn't think I would make it to college. I didn't think I would make it to my graduation for high school. And I graduated last year from high school, and I'm about to start my second year in college at Virginia Tech.
And, you know, I still suffer from laziness and procrastination. So my grades aren't always what I think they should be or could have been. But the reality is, you know, I do my schoolwork to the best of my ability. And, you know, if I'm going through something and I procrastinate and I get a B, heaven forbid, you know, that's okay. It's okay that I'm not perfect. It's okay that I don't live up to what my parents brought me up thinking I should do, you know.
Because in my household, it was always, if you're not the best, then you're not shit. And I've realized that that's not true. And, you know, I get frustrated a lot because my brother, he's better than me at a lot of things in school. And I know that's because he, you know, put the effort forth. I didn't. I was busy using drugs, procrastinating, not doing my work. And, you know, I had to come to terms with just because he's better than me at math doesn't mean that he's a better person than I am.
I have something that he'll never have, and that's an ability to help people recover, you know. I can reach people that he never can reach. And, you know, that's been a big comfort for me because working through resentments against my family was a really big part of me starting to have real relationships again. And I resented my sister for a long time because when she started using drugs, she didn't have time for me anymore.
And she was my mother figure growing up because my mom was always working. And, you know, through working a fourth and fifth step with a sponsor, I realized that, you know, what was she going to do? She had her own life, you know. She made the choices that she made. And I need to be okay with that. You know, I can't be mad at her for leaving Virginia to go to college, you know.
[00:05:02]
I mean, what am I supposed to say? No, you got to stay home with me. You can't go get an education, you know. And, you know, part of the reason I resented her was because she never got caught when she used. I did. And that was a big part of my resentment is why didn't she have to go through what I went through, you know. But she had her own struggles. You know, I was nosy. When she left home, I went through her journals and realized that she had her own struggles just like I had mine.
And I don't know. I probably still need to make amends for that. But that will come when it comes, you know. And, you know, I've been given so much. I never thought that I would have real friends that would be there no matter what, you know. I mean, I have friends that are still there even though I've done some fucked up shit, you know, to them. And, you know, it's amazing to love in this fellowship because we don't care what you did in the past.
And, you know, there's an addict that moved down to this area a couple years ago. And he taught me about unwavering faith. And, you know, I grew up not having a God. My parents had one, and they wanted me to have that one, but it never worked out for me. I found myself being 8 years old, bribing my mom, saying, I'll clean the house, whatever, just don't make us go to church, you know, at like 8 years old.
Because, you know, it was one of those churches where you had to dress up and look real nice. And it just wasn't for me. And so when I came into the program, I didn't think I could have a God, you know, because I thought that that was the God. But, you know, it says we come to an understanding of God for ourselves. And my understanding of God isn't what it was when I was a child. It isn't what probably any of yours is, you know.
But it's a power greater than me that can restore me to sanity. I've never experienced the… I don't know what word to use. I don't want to say comfort, because there's a lot of comfortable shit that ain't healthy. But, you know, I've never experienced the feelings that come along with having faith. And, you know, I've always been real scientific and logical. And I've found that that doesn't have to get in the way of having faith.
I was actually talking to an addict a couple weeks ago, and she was commenting on how it's interesting that I have such faith, but also a lot of logic. And, you know, the two don't always have to contradict. If it ain't practical, it ain't spiritual. And I'm real grateful for that addict that moved down here, because otherwise, you know, I might never have developed that relationship with the God of my understanding.
And, yeah, he's special. But, yeah. But I don't know what time I started sharing. I don't know if it matters. Okay. Results of recovery. Let's see. Becoming a responsible, productive member of society. That was real big for me. You know, throughout high school, I never had a job. Well, that's a lie. I had a job for about six months, working at the thrift store, really just shooting the shit, not doing anything.
And I got, well, they told me I could either quit or get fired, so I quit. And, you know, that was the only job I've ever had, and it wasn't really a job. And I start work in ten days at Virginia Tech, at the Math Emporium. And that is huge for me. That is huge, because I'm going to be a student full-time, working part-time, recovery full-time, you know, full-time relationships. And it's just real big for me, you know, because I always use school as my excuse to not do anything else.
You know, well, I'm a student. I don't got to work. You know, my parents should just take care of me. You know, not having those excuses anymore, knowing that, yeah, I can do it, you know,
[00:10:03]
and becoming more independent and more confident, you know. Coming into recovery, I had no confidence. I sat in the corner. I wouldn't sit in the circle. I sat in the uncomfortable metal chairs instead of the couches and shit, you know, just so I didn't have to be around the other people, because I didn't feel comfortable. I felt less than. And, you know, there were a couple addicts when I first came in that always would talk to me when I came to meetings.
And, you know, today, they're still clean, and they're like my family. And, you know, if it hadn't have been for those couple of people, I might not have stayed, you know, because, you know, I would go to meetings, and people would be outside talking in their little groups, and I wouldn't know what to do. I was sitting there waiting for my dad to come pick me up, even though sometimes he was waiting at the door for like half an hour before the meeting actually ended, you know.
Like I said, he just never actually left. But, you know, people accepted me. They didn't care if my dad was standing outside the door making sure I was in the meeting. And, you know, through that process, my dad quit standing outside the door. He knew I would be in the meeting. And, eventually, he stopped giving me a ride. I mean, I got my license, and, you know, for six months after that, he still gave me rides.
You know, I wasn't allowed to take the car. But, eventually, he said, yeah, you can drive by yourself this time. And, you know, as I continued to do what I was supposed to do and continued to stay clean, he was more comfortable giving me more freedom. You know, here's $20, go out to eat. You know, because the people at the meeting would always say, hey, we're all going out to eat. You can come. And I'd be like, oh, no, I got to go home.
And, you know, anything to not spend time with you people. But, you know, I went out to eat. And I remember the first social contact I had with the people in this fellowship was shooting paper balls out of my straw. You know, I just sat there, and I was like, I'm going to hit this guy in the face. And I did it. And they thought it was funny. I was like, okay. And then we started having competitions at Applebee's who could shoot it the farthest.
And, you know, that was what I had to do to break out of my shell. I didn't know how to talk. I knew how to be rude and disruptive. I didn't know how to talk. And, you know, now I'm comfortable being around recovering addicts. I'm still uncomfortable being around non-addicts, you know. But, you know, I never thought that I would be able to stand up here and talk into a microphone and share any kind of experience, strength, and hope, you know.
I thought that the only thing I had was experience, and that was all war stories, you know, which is true when I came in. That was all I had. But, you know, I just, someone told me a long time ago that one day I would be up speaking. And I was like, nah, I ain't doing that. But it happened, even though sometimes it was a little pushed on me. But, you know, maybe that's a push I needed, you know, because I know today that I have something to share.
I don't need to sit and be quiet, you know. I have something that could help somebody. And I always run out of stuff to say. It sounds real good in my head before I actually get up here, but I always run out of stuff to say once I actually get up here. I'm just going to be honest. I'm just so grateful to be clean. You know, I never thought I would be going to pick up somebody from Brooklyn, you know.
My whole network of people has always been within Montgomery County, you know, in southwestern Virginia, little Redneckville. I don't know. I hope that wasn't offensive to anybody. But, you know, I've met so many people in recovery. And when I was using, I was limited to, you know, there was like five people that I ever hung out with. And, like, I never thought I would be meeting people from different states, different parts of Virginia, and different countries.
And it's, you know, it's crazy. I went to a meeting in Denmark. I went there with my parents last year, and there was one English-speaking meeting. And I went. And, uh, you know, the meeting was a little weird.
[00:15:05]
They had some guy talking about inventory and he said that he had never done a Fourth Step. I was like, that's a little weird. But, you know, it was cool just to see that it really is worldwide. And, you know, everyone welcomed me. You know, I walked up and somebody met me at the door saying, hey, are you here for the meeting? And I was like, yeah. And they welcomed me. And I didn't feel like an outsider. You know, people talked to me. They didn't just leave me sitting there.
And, you know, I went to some meetings in Canada. I went up to visit my sister because that's where she goes to school in Vancouver. And it was like that there, too. You know, everyone welcomed me. And it's nice to get out of my area sometimes, you know. And just realize that no matter if they know me or not, people love me, you know. And it's like I don't got to know you to love you. And I've never experienced that before.
And it's like, because really I do know you, you know. I may not know everything that you've done or everything that you're doing or everything that, you know, you feel. But in general terms, I know what you've been through and, you know, how you got where you are. And, you know, growing up, it was like if you didn't know somebody, you better act proper, you know, make a good impression. And it's like in Narcotics Anonymous, you know, I can walk into a meeting where nobody knows me and do some real sick shit and people will love me.
They might love me even more, you know. They might love me even more. You know, the Sixth Step talks about we got compassion for people that act on their defects. And, you know, I actually just went over my Sixth Step with my sponsor and I had sugarcoated some of my defects a little bit. She said, uh-uh, you got to go back. There's a couple things you still need to write on before you go to Step 7.
I was like, all right, you know. And, you know, I'm grateful to have a sponsor today that I feel comfortable with. I went through a few sponsors, you know, to get to where I am today. And, you know, I went through a period where my best friend in recovery had relapsed. And I realized that she was my network. And so I started branching out and getting women's numbers. And I didn't really call hardly any of them, you know.
But about a year later I had a falling out with my sponsor. And, you know, for some reason her name, my sponsor's Angela, and her name just popped in my head. And I was like, I wonder if I still have her number. You know, I hadn't called her since I got it in like six months. But I called her and I said, listen, will you sponsor me? And she said, I'd be honored. And she's been my sponsor now for I'm not sure how long, since about the beginning of this year.
So it's been a little over half a year. And, you know, I never thought I'd have a sponsor that I was comfortable calling. Because all my sponsors were like, call me every day, and then they'd get mad if I didn't, you know. Like, you didn't call me yesterday. And, yeah, yeah, and my sponsor today, you know, it's like if I don't call her for a few days, she ain't going to harass me about it, you know.
It's okay if I don't pick up that phone every single day and call my sponsor. If I need to call her, I really should. You know, I don't need to call her every time I take a shit, you know. I mean, if it ain't practical, it's not spiritual, you know. And, you know, if I don't call her for like two weeks, you know, she'll call me and say, hey, are you doing all right? I haven't heard from you. And, you know, it really makes me feel good.
When I call her, she always says, she always thanks me for calling her instead of acting like, well, that's what you should do, you know. And it makes me feel good. It makes me want to call her again. So, you know, I try to practice that to the best of my ability. I'm not quite there yet all the time, you know. Sometimes I just don't want to answer the phone when people call me. You know, there was a period in time where everyone would call me asking for rides and I would just stop picking up, you know.
And, but I do my best.
[00:20:03]
I'm not always tolerant. I'm not always spiritual. I'm not always patient. You know, patience is not a strong point with us. That's quite obvious. And, you know, I judge people a lot. I'm real judgmental. But, you know, I've realized that just because I have a defect that I act on doesn't mean that's necessarily who I am, you know. Who I am comes out through working the steps. And who I am, I know, is a good person.
You know, I may fall short and I may, you know, lie every once in a while, but that doesn't mean that I'm not trustworthy, you know. And, you know, if I betray somebody's trust one time, it doesn't mean I'm not trustworthy, you know. And I have to realize that my disease isn't who I am. Who I am is someone much better. Who I am is what the God of my understanding wants me to be. I just have to work on getting that.
And, you know, that's real comforting a lot of time when I feel bad because I act on a defect or I blow up at somebody and, you know, or I lie to my parents. That happens quite often, actually. Still working on that one. It's a hard one to work on. But knowing that it's okay to fall short just as long as I get back up, you know. And I'm just real grateful to be here. I don't know how long I talked, but thanks for letting me share.
Thank you.