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Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 893 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: lee-f-awakenings-nasac-durban-2003.mp3 Duration: 00:15:50
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Hello everyone. My name is Lee and I'm an addict. I just want to say what an honour and a privilege it is to be here today. Since the last convention I've waited to be here. It's good to see people from Cape Town and Joburg and I'm just glad to be clean. I had a huge using dream last night and I'm so glad to be clean today. I woke up, well actually Nick woke me up, but I woke up and I just couldn't believe it. I was clean. I was so happy. I was stoked.
Awakenings is my topic this evening, I mean this morning. I'm still a bit tired. And for me the awakenings has only come from my past. I'm going to speak about my past. I wasn't a happy child and I find out now through some counselling that I grew up in quite a dysfunctional family. I thought it was pretty normal. And I just wasn't happy. And I think the first time I drank was when I was about 13 and I loved the stuff.
Jeez, I loved it. It made me feel, it didn't actually make me feel anything. It was numb and I liked the numbness. I didn't like the way I felt. I had a lot of self-loathing, a lot of negative stuff. I just didn't like anything. And this progressed until, I don't know, I just thought it was normal to drink. And then eventually, you know, I got to high school and I was carrying on. I got bust for possession one time.
My mum sent me to a counsellor and that didn't work out. And then about my standard 9 year, I was quite an active sportsman. I played in 12 schools for rugby and I was like on top of the world. And then the following year, my mum, yeah my mum was tricky at the beginning of it, I was in this huge bus accident and my brother was killed. And it just, it ripped me apart. I can't explain it to you. I was I think 17 at the time, 16 at the time, I can't remember.
And it just, I just didn't know what to do. I had all these things going for me at one time and then I had nothing. I couldn't play rugby and I just didn't see any future for myself. And from that, I just thought, you know, if I can't have what I wanted, then I'm not going to have anything. And that's what I chose. I chose not to have anything. And I got out of school, I tried to do a bit of studying and that sort of worked for a while.
And then I got involved with this whole dancing scene and I thought this was pretty cool. All these big heavyos, big muscles, big tattoos, lots of drugs. And I liked it. I really did. Well, I thought I did. I thought I was really accepted. I thought it was like a true place where people were honest with each other, you know. What do they say? Honour amongst thieves. No way. Everyone's backstabbing, everyone else was terrible.
And I started doing a couple of dodgy things and then eventually I got burnt the one time. And I thought, you know what, I just don't think I want to do this. And I was using drugs all the time and, you know, addiction is such a funny thing because you sit there and you're taking one or two and eventually, before you know it, you can't remember how many you're taking and you don't remember the evenings and the days.
And you haven't bathed for a couple of days and you haven't eaten. And, you know, I was in the cuck and I just didn't know what to do. And then I phoned my mum the one night. It was about 12 o'clock. And I said, I've got this serious problem because I can't stop using drugs. I just can't do it. So I went to a treatment centre for an outpatient programme. And that worked for about five weeks. I was clean for five weeks.
I was still working at the clubs and then I relapsed and then I thought, OK, now I've just got to get away from these people because I just can't do it anymore. But I didn't consider alcohol as a drug. I just couldn't get the alcohol thing. I've been drunk since I was very young. And that was my downfall, alcohol, for such a long period of time. Because if I wasn't using drugs, I'd drink. And I remember when I was at this treatment centre for my counselling, she said, Lee, whatever you are looking for, it's not…
I used to frequent this little hall called Dusk Till Dawn. It was the only place open in the morning. She said, whatever you're looking for, it's not in that place. I said, bullshit. You have no idea what I'm looking for. And I still thought it was a down-to-earth place, you know what I'm saying? It's just the insanity of this disease. It's crazy. And I kept on using for quite a period, a long period, I think from, I don't know, I can't remember, it's about 2001 it was.
I remember it was New Year's and I thought, OK, I've got a whole lot of drugs, this is going to be the last I'm going to use and then I'm going to give it up for good. You know, that didn't work. I think the next couple of days I was still at it. My birthday came, last time, still at it. And then the last two times of my using were just like very hectic experiences for myself. I got into this huge fight with my mom, you know, pushed her out of the way to the floor, jumped over the wall, went to this Nigerian's house.
And then the second time, sorry, the last time I used, did the same thing, huge fight, jumped over the wall again, trying to get away from my mother, really ridiculous 25-year-old man.
[00:05:02]
And I got stuck in this Nigerian's house. I went down there. It's so insane, you know, I was sitting down there in the morning, it must have been about 8 o'clock in the morning with a court, and I thought I was it. I hadn't bathed, I hadn't slept, and I thought I was the man. Calling this Nigerian, come on, come down here. And I thought this was pretty normal. You know, that's not normal, it's crazy, it's stupid, I can't believe it.
Anyway, I went upstairs, and I parted with this place, and then I was really out of it, I was toast. And I passed out, and then he was going to wake me up, because he had to go somewhere. So I stayed there, and then I woke up, and then he was gone. And I started to freak out, and I thought, OK, he's going to come back. He has to come back, you know, this is where he lives. It isn't really where he lives, but I thought this is where he lives.
And for a whole day I was stuck there. You know, this Nigerian place was, you know, gates in the bottom, gates in the middle, gates to get in, barbed wire, third floor. The alcohol ran out, the drugs ran out, had no money, couldn't do anything. And that's where I truly had some sort of an epiphany, awakening, I don't know what you want to call it. But I was stuck there for a whole day. And believe me, when you can't do anything, you can't go to sleep, and you just sit there and you obsess, and you obsess, and you obsess, and you obsess, about what the hell am I doing with my life.
Because I didn't know. And I stood there behind, I was like I was in jail, because that's exactly what it was. That was my revelation. I sat there behind this gate, and I said, you know what? My act of addiction is my prison. And it just, like, you know, it clicked. And I thought, I can't do this anymore, what the hell am I doing with my life? I don't think my higher power told me to come down here, or let me live, and this is not what he had planned for me, I don't think it is.
I still don't think it is. I got home, eventually, looking like I was in a fight the night before, my hair was like this, I had cuts and bruises, my glasses were blasting, I looked like a bum on the street. And my mom said, look here, you've got to sort your shit out now. And I said, yeah, I'll go to N.A. tomorrow, or whatever. And she said, no, no, no, you're going to a real treatment centre, you're going to stay there, and you're going to sort it out.
And I thought I argued with her, but I've been speaking to her recently, in my recovery, and she said, I didn't argue, I just burst into tears. And I cried. That's all I did, I cried. And then I went to this treatment centre, and that's where I think it really changed for me. Something, I got it, I eventually got it. The first week I didn't say much, the second week I cried, I just cried. This interaction, I just burst into tears, like every time.
They say, why are you crying? I don't know, I just cried. And for me it was a great release, I don't think I cried like that since my brother's funeral. Because the main reason why I used drugs was to get away from those feelings inside. I didn't like to feel, everything that I had was about feelings, it was about hurts, and I just couldn't deal with it, I couldn't handle it. And then I got out of treatment, and I went to my first N.A. meeting.
And I must tell you, Dawn and Leanne sent their regards, they couldn't make it. Leanne shared my first N.A. meeting. And my birthday is one day after her. And I remember this other guy, Trevor, he read the traditions, and they just stuck in my head. And I thought, you know what, I really don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to use drugs. I just, I can't do it anymore. And that was my main aim, just to stay clean, because the last four years of my using, they were just, you know, there was such a learning experience for me, because I realised that I couldn't use any sort of form of drug.
It didn't matter. You know, I couldn't use alcohol, I couldn't use anything else, because I had no off button, I had no stop button, I just couldn't do it. And I stayed in the fellowship, I think my first year was really difficult, I couldn't get a job. You know, you get into recovery and you think, you know, where's the job, where's the gift card, where's the cheque, I want the shoes, and I didn't have nothing for my first year, I couldn't do shit.
And I stayed home and I slept for like, I don't know, young, say. I mean, I slept in my active addiction, but I just was so depressed all the time. And after my first year, I think after six to nine months, the main thing for me was I stopped obsessing about the drug using, about who I was going to buy from, who I was going to get from, what I was going to use, who was bringing it in. I just stopped obsessing about all that shit.
And I started obsessing about, you know, what I'm going to do with my life, what I want to do, where am I going to go. And after the first year, I don't like crowds at the best of times. I just get very nervous. And I was speaking to a counsellor of mine and I couldn't find a job for a year. I'd sent about 40 CVs out and, you know, nothing was happening for me. And then he said, why don't you start lecturing?
And I thought, are you insane? I've got to sit in front of all these students and lecture and I thought, I can't do that.
[00:10:00]
It's just, it's madness. And I thought, you know what? You know, this program called Recovery has taught me that, you know, I don't have to use drugs. So I thought, if I don't have to use drugs, then maybe I can try new stuff, stuff that I was too afraid to do before and I can do now. And I tried it out and for the first week I freaked out. My hands were clammy, my mouth was dry. I think I shook for periods of time.
But after that first week, it was okay. And I was working at one college and then just after that I got a job at another college as well, so I'm still lecturing at the moment. My life in Recovery, you know, this whole thing, this whole 12-step program has really, it's awakened my whole life. You know, I was going down one road and I was going down really quickly. My life was deteriorating at a rapid rate.
And, you know, just from that first step for me, that acceptance of my disease, it's like a domino effect. It's taught me to accept my circumstances, where I've come from, and what I want to do with my life now. And it's truly been a true awakening. I can't explain it. It's really been awesome. I couldn't play rugby anymore. Well, I tried to and it didn't work out. But now I'm coaching rugby. And, you know, that's part of change.
You know, before I was so obsessed about playing rugby, had to play rugby, must play rugby, da-da-da-da-da. I was so obsessed about it, that's what I wanted to do. I couldn't accept the fact that, you know, I can't do that anymore. And I was told if you do it, you're going to end up in a wheelchair. And I still try to play, you know. And I injured it again and then eventually I just, you know, I surrendered.
Like I surrendered to my addiction. I just said, you know, I can't do that. But instead of biting my nose off to spite my face, I'm going to try something new. And I'm actually enjoying it, you know. For the first time in a long time, I went through a bad patch about two months ago where I was just like shattered. I just didn't want to do anything. And I've managed to get through that. And one thing I have learned is that if I don't pick up that first drug, you know, I go to meetings, I'm around people who want recovery.
You know, this is what it's about. And I have relationships. I mean, good relationships. I was speaking to Simon last night. And, you know, you sit there and we speak. Okay, we speak shit, obviously, because we're addicts. But we still speak about stuff, you know, how things are going for you. And not just like the superficial crap. It's really how you're doing today, you know. How's your family? What are you going through?
And that I find quite amazing. Because I've been seeing a counsellor at the moment because of this bad patch. And he said, Lee, I think you have some intimacy problems. I said, What the hell are you talking about? I've got no intimacy problems. I can speak to people. And he said, Have you ever been intimate with people without using drugs or alcohol? And I said, Never. Never. It's the only time I could open up.
It's the only time I could get rid of those emotions and speak without feeling. And it's only through this program that I've actually been able to speak about my stuff and how I'm doing and what's going on, if I'm shit, if I'm happy, if whatever's going on. And it's truly, you know, I think that must be one of the most amazing experiences when you can sit with someone and you connect. You just connect because you're open and honest.
And I just can't explain it, you know. When I was in my treatment center, my counselor said, Lee, if you want to live life, if you want to get high in life, be honest. Because he said there's something there when you're honest with someone. And I truly believe that because I felt it so many times. It's truly amazing. One thing I must be grateful for is my mother. I put her through so much shit. I just messed it up.
And it's so good now that I can sit there and I can talk to her about stuff. I have such a good relationship with my old lady now. Beforehand, I just didn't give a shit. I really didn't care. I don't get along that well with my dad, but that's a whole other issue altogether. But I can get, and she stuck with me. She supported me for so many years. And it's just great that I can do that. I can sit and talk to people and really feel stuff.
And it's because of this program, you know. Drugs took me on one way and now through this program, I'm on my way somewhere else. I'm going to be the person I was meant to be. I really feel this is what I'm meant to do. I want to counsel. That's what I'm studying at the moment. I've got an exam next Friday. And, you know, I would have never had that if I'd never found recovery. Because if I'd never found a 12-step program, I would still be relapsing on other things.
Power, whatever else. It didn't really matter because I'm an addict. And this program has taught me that, you know, I can accept who I am and I can change who I am. And, you know, I'll be forever grateful. It's quite a sad time for me because I don't think I'll be here next year for the Durban Convention. But I've had a convention in each city, so I'm quite happy. Yeah, the way my life is going now, I plan to, you know, go overseas hopefully quite soon.
I don't know how I'm going to get there. But I believe in my higher power and I know that something's going to happen, and it is going to happen.
[00:15:03]
It's just a matter of time. I want it, I want it now, and I don't know if I'll ever learn patience, but I'm really trying. But it's great. I have a life now. I have the life that I was meant to have. It's not easy. Definitely not easy, and if anyone tells you recovery is easy, they have no idea what they're talking about. But one thing I do know is that if I see other people around me, and they're clean, and feel like, it's not quantity, it's quality as well, but clean people are clean for 5, 6, 7, 10 years, 15 years, and I think, you know what, flip it, if they can do it, I can do it, man, because I'm just as good as they are. That's the way it is.
Yeah, just thank you very much for letting me share, and yeah, thanks.