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Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 924 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: kim-celebrating-recovery-nasac-durban-2007.mp3 Duration: 00:19:34
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Hi, my name's Kim and I am an addict. I speak loudly, so let me know if I'm speaking too loud. Let's try to step back a little bit. I celebrate recovery every day of my life, that I wake up and I have another day clean. Let me start off by saying I am truly grateful to be in a Narcotics Anonymous meeting in Durban, South Africa. My area is the central Texas area of Narcotics Anonymous in Austin, Texas. Go Longhorns! I had to do that. I had to represent. Wow, I celebrate recovery every day of my life. Every day that I wake up and I have another day clean. Every day that I ask, that I thank God that I'm here and that I'm clean. You know, I thank God for H&I, hospitals and institutions, because that's how I heard about Narcotics Anonymous. I went to my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting in 1985.
My clean date is March 22, 2003, and I'm really grateful for that. I'm very grateful for my clean date. My spirit is so full. My heart is so full ever since I landed here in South Africa. The fellowship in Johannesburg, the fellowship in Cape Town, thank you so much for the love, for taking us to all the different meetings, to showing us the sites, to welcoming us into your home. There's six of us here, and it's just unbelievable.
This is a trip of a lifetime for me. I never thought that I would be able to travel across the ocean to another country. My story is not unique. I believe I was an addict from very early on. I had no self-esteem, low self-esteem, no self-esteem, no self-worth, and all I ever wanted was to be a part of, all I wanted was for you to like me. From a very young age, I always thought I was different. I share this, that I was in a motorcycle accident when I was young, and I had some head trauma, and I had a really large scar on my face, and I was teased a lot as a child.
I can remember the first time I was called a name. I just knew from right then that I was different, and that I was always going to have to try a little bit harder, do something different for you to like me. That's all I ever did, was just try to get you to like me. I did crazy things, like try to change my name. I'd go to a different school and I'd say that I was going to act differently because I didn't think that you would really like the real me, and that's just how I was when I was young. I just never felt a part of anything.
I'm really grateful for this program because it seems like my whole life I kept ending up in the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous. I've managed to come in and put together like 30 days and 60 days and 90 days, just enough to get whoever off my back, whether it be my mother or one of my husbands or the law. I actually got to Narcotics Anonymous in 2003 when I got out of prison. Never thought a girl like me would go to prison. There was a time in my life I was pretty happy. I was married. I had two kids. I thought that I was functioning in society, but only for a minute. No matter what I did, I always ended up using. I started using at a young age, and I remember the first time that I used, I got real silly, and I was the center of attention, and I noticed that everybody liked me. It was from there that I really knew that I had found something, something that I could do to make you like me. I can really look at my disease and see how progressive it was. I started off just a little bit here and there, just doing it on the weekends, only going to spend this much money, and before you knew it, I was strung out. I was doing things for drugs I said I'd never do. I was doing drugs in ways I said I'd never do. I was hurting my family. I was abandoning my children, and I've just became, you know, all my morals and my values went out the window, and I just became this empty shell, and what happened was I ended up selling drugs, and I got caught. I started selling drugs in June, and I got busted in July. I wasn't a very good drug dealer. Yeah.
I thought I was invincible. I thought that nothing could hurt me, you know. I had gotten
[00:05:03]
to the point of, like, real desperation. I remember that I had spent all the rent money. My husband had come home from out in the field. He was a cop in the military. I don't know how that happened, but I don't know how I ended up with him, but he had come home, and I remember I had spent all the rent money, and I was strung out, and I didn't have any more money, and I didn't have any more drugs, and I remember looking at him and just, I didn't know. I was just like, I don't know what I'm going to do. This is my life, you know. I'm never going to be able to stop using drugs, and I remember him looking at me with just such pity and just such disgust, and I just felt really like a piece of crap, you know. I really did. You know, I never thought that I'd have children and abandon them. I never thought that I would leave my children with drug dealers for hours and hours and hours on end. It came to the point where I didn't even want to have my children with me anymore because I was afraid I'd, like, nod out or I'd get in a car accident. And I can remember one time that my son went into my drawers, and he found some instruments that I used to inject drugs into my body, and, you know, when a seven-year-old little boy comes up to you and says, what's this, Mom? You know, I just, you know, those are the things that I remember. You know, so, like I said, I just, I couldn't believe what my life had become. And so when I got busted, that didn't even do it for me. I actually didn't get clean right then. I spent ten days in jail, and, you know, the whole time I was in jail, I said that, oh, I'm done, I'm not going to do it anymore. And I got out of jail after ten days, and I was high within an hour. I kid you not, within an hour, I was high again and running. And I was out on bail during the time of 9-11, and I remember that day very much because it was the first time in my life that I ever felt suicidal. I never had been suicidal before, but I remember how alone I felt that day. I didn't know what was happening. I didn't know if the world was going to end. All I knew was that I was out on bond. I didn't have any friends. I didn't have any drugs. I didn't have any food to eat, and I was really scared, and I felt really alone. And, you know, thank God I didn't take my life that day. You know, I ended up getting, I ended up copping another charge while I was out on bond. Imagine that. And I went back to prison, I went back to jail, and this time I didn't get out, you know. They made an example of me, and they put me, they sent me to two to four years in prison, you know, and I thought that that was a really long time, you know. But I understand now, you know, looking back, that that was God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself, because I couldn't stay clean on my own. I couldn't stay clean just going to meetings, because I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready yet.
And going to prison is really what did it for me. I can remember being in prison. I can remember them explaining to me how good time worked. I was thinking, no, I was only going to do like nine months. They told me I was going to do at least 18 months. And I really think that that was like a moment of clarity for me. I really felt like that was it for me. I was done. I was just desperate for something different. I was just tired.
I was beat up. And I knew about Narcotics Anonymous, and I knew Narcotics Anonymous worked. And while I was in prison, I just, it was really, prison was so good for me. And it just sounds crazy saying that. But it was the first time in my life that I was ever really on my own. I was not dependent on a man. I was financially independent. You know, I had a job. I was emotionally independent. I was taking care of me. And I just did my time and didn't get in any trouble. And I was able to get out a little bit sooner than I expected, you know. When I got out of prison, I was like so willing. I was so willing just to do something different. And the next night, which is March 22, 2003, my clean date, I walked into a meeting of Narcotics Anonymous. And I remember walking into that meeting, and I'll never forget it. And I remember the feeling that I had knowing that I was home, knowing that I was done, knowing that I didn't want to ever use again, you know, just for today. And, wow, it's like really, it was just really, like the first day of the rest of my life. And I moved to San Antonio, Texas, and I got real involved in Narcotics Anonymous.
I jumped right in. I got a sponsor. And I share this because it was really hard at first because they told me I needed to get a woman sponsor. And I'm like, man, I just got out of prison being with a bunch of women who were not my friends, who were backstabbers that just wanted my commissary, you know. And now you're telling me I need to like get with a woman and like develop a relationship, you know. But again, I was so willing to do whatever it was going to take to stay clean. So I got a sponsor. And my sponsor introduced me to service. And service is a big part of my recovery today. I'm very involved in service,
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and I have been from the very beginning. Celebrating recovery. Wow. You know, dreams awakened, you know. So many wonderful things have happened to me since I've been in recovery. One of them is that I'm in college. And I've been in college for four years now. I'm on the long-term plan. And I'm almost, I'm one algebra class away from graduating with an associate's degree. And I never thought that I would get a degree. Not only is that cool, is that I'm the first person in my family to graduate from college, you know. And that's like a gift, you know. I never thought that, I could barely finish high school, you know.
I never thought I'd get a degree, you know. And there's been times where I'm just like, man, I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore. But you know what, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. And you know, it's been a process. And what's really cool is that I have found out that I'm pretty smart. You know, like these classes that I've taken, I've been like really intimidated by them. And I've been able to get through them. And I've got a pretty good GPA. So I'm proud of that, you know. I have a wonderful job, you know. And for a girl like me to be able to hold down a job is like amazing. I was never able to keep a job more than a couple weeks, a couple paychecks, and then I quit. And you know, I'm employable today, you know. And they depend on me. And I really think they're depending on me right now because I've been gone for over a week now. And there's not really anybody sitting at my desk. So I'm hoping that they'll find a newfound appreciation for me when I get back. You know, and what's really cool is the World Convention that was held in San Antonio, Texas, the kickoff event on Thursday night was held at my work.
We throw parties at my work. And we had a huge Narcotics Anonymous convention party at my work. And I was a part of that. And it was just, I can't tell you what it was like to have my people at my job, you know. It was just wonderful. You know, and people at my work, they know about, they know that I'm in recovery, you know. And I'm fortunate to be able to, be able to have freedom in that area, to be able to say I'm an addict in recovery, you know. I'm grateful for that, I really am. I recently moved to Austin, Texas.
I love Austin. Oh gosh, they have just welcomed me into their fellowship, you know. A gift today for me is having a support group of women. That's been a challenge for me. I always have gravitated towards the men. I just didn't want to hang out with the women. I only wanted to hang out with the men, you know. And it's, the women in Austin have really put their arms around me. Thank you so much. I really needed that, you know. Relationships, you know, I have relationships with my family today. You know, my parents. My dad had given up on me. He was done. He was like, I stole from him, he was done with me. And I think that they saw something different in my eyes when they came to visit me in prison. And they opened their home to me when I got out of prison. And that was huge for them, you know, because they didn't know what to expect. My track record wasn't that great. And they opened their home to me, and they let me live with them. They gave me a chance. They let me use their car to go to meetings. And I'm really grateful for that. I really am, you know. Thank you, mom and dad. I really appreciate that. You know, so, celebrating recovery.
Celebrating recovery. Relationships. I'm in a wonderful relationship today. I have a boyfriend in my life today. And it's one that's based on trust and honesty. It's a two-way street. You know, I don't depend on him. I'm independent. Sometimes he wants to pay for things. I have a hard time with that, you know. I'm working on that, though. You know, this trip would not have been possible, you know, had God not taken the barriers away. Because there were a lot of barriers, you know. Getting a passport. You know, they gave me a passport.
Not only are they letting me out, they're going to let me back in. So that's really cool, you know. Financially, I was not thinking I was going to make it here, you know. And, you know. Thank you, Patrick, for helping me get here. Appreciate that. I really do. This has been a wonderful trip. I just, like I said, I never thought that I would come to South Africa to come to a convention of Narcotics Anonymous. I've been hearing about you guys for a year. I heard Patrick
[00:15:01]
share at a meeting, and he had just gotten back from South Africa, and he had that banner, and he had it there for everyone to sign, and I was just so moved by what I heard about you guys in South Africa. What a wonderful fellowship that you have here. The meetings are so well attended. I cannot believe how many people have, between one and two years, it just shows that this fellowship is growing. I see the camaraderie. I see, I mean, just the camaraderie of coming and picking us all up in four different cars and taking us to meetings and scheduling this and scheduling that. Gotcha. It was just, it was really amazing.
I've been emailing Mark for a couple months now and chatting with him on Instant Messenger, and he tried to tell me I was sharing at a satellite meeting. Whatever. And Fawaz, I've been emailing him here and there, and it was so cool to come here and actually meet you guys. It was just a blessing. We got to the airport, and I saw Fawaz. I was like, there he is, and we were thinking it was just like him coming to pick us up, and we waved at him, and then like ten other hands waved back at us, and we were like, wow, they're all here to pick us up. And my spirit was just so overwhelmed, I almost started crying.
And I was really, I was just really touched by the fellowship here. Thank God that God brought me here to Narcotics Anonymous. He just kept bringing me back and bringing me back until I finally got it. I think I was just, I was done. We all have to go through what we had to go through. I had to go through what I had to go through. It might sound crazy, but I had to go through everything I went through to get where I'm at today. And I am a productive member of society today. I'm a good mother. I have three children. None of them live with me, but I'm the best mother that I can be towards those children. I'm a way better mother than I ever was when I was out there using, and I do my best to be a part of their lives, even though they're all a thousand miles away from me. They're in my life. Their dads let them come see me. And I have to just share about that real quick is that, you know, when I got out of prison and I said, okay, I'm going to stay clean, I expected everybody just to forgive me and say, okay, Kim, here, you know, here you go. Here's everything that you want. And it didn't go like that for me. I really had to earn the trust back. And it's been a process, especially with my little one's father. I mean, I really trampled all over this man and it's been a process. And I have to say that I think we've come a long way today. And my son, my little son, my seven year old, he came to visit me in Texas for a week. And I can't tell you how huge that was, you know, um, just, you know, that's what this program has done for me. That's what, um, the steps have done for me. You know, I work steps today. I'm, I'm working on me. I'm, I'm trying to change my behavior, um, developing a relationship with a higher power. Um, you know, it is God's will that I'm here tonight. Um, like I said, he, he just, all the doors just opened, you know, the passport, the finances, my job, you know, I was scared to death to ask my boss for two and a half weeks off because my boss is a tyrant. And, um, I asked her and she said yes. And I was just like, wow, you know, that's amazing. That was like the hugest hurdle was getting the time off. And it's most of it's paid too. That's what's really great. Um, anyways, I'm just, I'm so grateful that I was able to share here. I've never shared to this larger group. And you know, if I said that I wasn't nervous, I'd be lying. I was terrified. Um, but you know, I got up in the hotel room and I hit my knees and I asked God, please just, you know, remove me, remove the, the need to look good. Use me as a vessel to share your message that in hopes that maybe just one addict could identify with something that I said, you know, that maybe something I said can help you. Um, this program really works. It's worked for me. It's really, um, it's given me a new life and new opportunities and, you know, I celebrate recovery every day. Um, and thank you so much for letting me share. Thanks.