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Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 888 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: irene-t-living-fully-gauteng-area-na-convention-2007.mp3 Duration: 00:17:15
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Good morning. My name's Irene and I'm an addict. And I'm not nervous, I'm terrified. Why I'm terrified is because I've tried to do things differently in the last little while. And my very first share that I did, I wrote it out longhand and then had cards and then went to my therapist afterwards because I shared at a treatment center and I said everyone I think was bored because they were yawning and drooling around and doing whatever.
And he said, did you ever think that it's later on a Friday evening and it's the end of the week and maybe they were just tired. But being an addict I know it's always all about me. And I never thought about that. And the feedback that he got was that it was, it wasn't what I thought it was. So slowly through those five things we were talking about earlier this morning, I am learning to do things very differently. And my topic today is living fully. And that is something that is really, really different to me, for me.
I know at the regional convention later on in the year, I've been reading on the website because I always like to be ahead of stuff and prepare and all of that, that the theme for the party on the Saturday night is the 80s. And that's really scary because I got stoned and I missed the 80s. So I've got no idea what to wear or do whatever. And then I mentioned this to a recovering addict and they said shoulder pads. And what's really scary is I still got a lot of those in my closet from then. So I'm sorted.
Yeah, I missed the 80s, the 90s and part of the 2000s. But that's okay because from what I hear the 80s there wasn't much to miss. And for all of those things now I can't do anything about it except do things differently and live fully just for today. And that's what I've been trying to do. The one thing that I didn't do when I came into the program was get myself a sponsor because the first person that I asked said she had too many sponsors. And I didn't know she was, there is no supposed to be, but she didn't even give me her phone number for just in case.
And that rejection made me terrified of asking anyone for a long time after that. But eventually I did get around to it. And a few months ago I woke up early in the morning, which is also different, and I was just having a bad day. And all I wanted to do was cry. And because my sponsor has really good boundaries, and I'm learning about that from her, I called her at the time I was supposed to call her. And I just said, I feel terrible. And I want my mom.
But part of the reason why I landed up where I am today is because God bless my mother, she did the best she could, but she was probably the world's greatest enabler. And because I was the spoiled baby child, I never had to face anything. I just had to put this face. And then when the chin wobbled, they knew if they didn't do anything right here, right now, their ears were going to be just like, no eardrums left because I could scream really, really, really loudly. And that's how I got things done.
And anyway, I spoke things through with my sponsor, and by the end of the phone call, I was in a really good space. And I said, I didn't really need my mom, or I didn't really want my mom, I just needed my sponsor. And that for me is like really different, because she doesn't enable me. And when I do things that I shouldn't have done, she's not like my mom who used to say, what would father, what's his name, or sister, whoever, or mother, whatever, or anybody else think about what I've done.
And also not about how I've hurt other people, but why did I do that, why do I think so little of myself, that I think I'm only worth whatever it was that I've done. And that for me is so different.
[00:05:15]
Because it seems, so then my mom always used to tell me that if, the only thing she could handle, wouldn't be able to handle was if I lied. But I used to do it on a regular basis because I wanted to make her feel better. But if I lie to my sponsor, it hurts me more than it hurts anybody else. And I find it's just so much easier to come out and say whatever it is, and she loves me anyway. And for that I'm truly grateful.
Living fully is very different, because from when I was little I never did anything except what I wanted to do. I never thought I was good enough, and because of that, any time that anything happened that was going to be fun or exciting, or something brave and different, I would do something in order to make myself not well enough to go do it. I had a sensitive tummy that got me out of a lot of stuff. But I also missed out on so much stuff.
But that was how I knew to live. And in my active addiction, it started out as fun, and landed up with me only having two really real friends in the whole world. And those were my two German Shepherd dogs. Because they loved me unconditionally, and I didn't have to share my drugs with them. And no matter what happened, they were there, and that was good. And I didn't realize how isolated I had become until going on six years ago.
I was suicidally depressed. And my day was spent mostly hiding under the duvet in my bedroom and trying not to answer my cell phone or be accountable to anything else. And I didn't think it was the drugs that was doing it. And I didn't know where to turn or what to do. I did eventually turn to someone who had no idea about addiction, who sent me to a very undrug-wise psychiatrist, who thought my addiction, because it's not a hard drug, was not an addiction.
Which is scary to say, a lot of the medical professions still think that. Unless something's going to kill you immediately, it's not a problem. But it did kill me spiritually, slowly, over a long time. And so he said I could carry on doing what I was doing, gave me addictive sleeping tablets and calming tablets and antidepressants and told me to come back and see him in a month and I'd be fine. I did join the program at that stage and it was lovely to find people that thought just like me and spoke just like me, although I did think they were all lying about their clean time because they couldn't possibly be that cool and not be using.
But I did it then for all the wrong reasons and to impress my family and not myself. My rock bottom came when I was nine months after that just as suicidally depressed and because insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results, I went straight back to the same psychiatrist. But the difference was this time that my brother gave me a lift to the hospital and told me that I either had to choose between the drugs or him.
I could have one or I could have the other. And my mother had passed away and my brother was then my surrogate mother and I knew I couldn't do without him. And because the higher power of my understanding knew that I needed help more than I knew, he put an angel in my life who is a self-made many, many multi-millionaire-esque person and she paid for me to go to a treatment center.
[00:10:05]
And that didn't stop me using because I'd stopped three weeks before that because the drugs weren't working anymore. But it did give me a solid grounding and a place to get away from all the stuff that was bugging me, like my boss and my job and life and the relationship I was in and all that stuff that I took on. Because I thought I was responsible for everyone else in the world. But when I came out of that treatment center, I started going to N.A. and I started doing the program mostly properly.
And if it wasn't for N.A., I wouldn't be clean today because that is what has kept me clean. I still battle with not doing things differently. For instance, last night I wanted to do something that I've done before that really turned out extremely badly. But someone mentioned in the midnight meeting about being at parties and I didn't use last night and I also didn't do what I've done at most previous conventions which is take all kinds of energy drinks and a herbal alternative which speeds up your body and all of that.
And I actually went to the midnight meeting and went to bed and couldn't sleep because of certain people who stayed up really late talking outside my room. But that was okay. And the really seriously dysfunctional chickens here that don't have a watch. And were going… from like 2 o'clock this morning. But that was okay because I didn't go where my will wanted me to go because of that midnight meeting and calming down from the madness of the party.
And it wasn't even the party because all due respect to the DJs, rave music and all that stuff doesn't work for me anymore. So we went and played card games outside and that was still just as insane. But it was fun and my head still wanted to go where my head wanted to go until that meeting. And hearing other people's experience and hearing other people's pain which I didn't realize at that stage was going to be extremely painful for me this morning.
Just made me sit back, breathe and think again. Because that's also what's different about living fully is that I can change my mind. I do have a choice. I never used to have a choice. I did but I chose not to choose another option. And I got up really early this morning when my alarm went off. But then we started imitating the chickens and I'm sorry for all the people in my corridor. I went down banging on the doors going, you must never!
Because I was wide awake and in a great mood. But hey, just for today I'm okay. And the just for today meeting just reconfirmed for me that the decision that I'd made last night was the right one. And had I done what my head had told me last night, I don't think I would have been able to get up and share this morning. I might have just told people I had an emergency and I had to leave early and got somebody else to stand in.
But living life fully today is not about pleasing other people. I'm learning to please me. And pleasing me is not about pleasing me the way it used to be. It's about shutting up and listening. I didn't know much about that before either. Closing my mouth and opening my ears and listening for my higher powers. And that's why I'm having a beautiful day today and I can look people in the eye. And know that I didn't mess with my own head last night and I didn't mess with anybody else's heads either.
And that's very, very, very different.
[00:15:00]
I used to be terrified of people finding out about my addiction, and today I'm still a bit loud about telling people who I am and why I do things a certain way, but I know in quite a lot of instances, because I've been able to say that stuff, that other people have been able to come to me and say, hey, you know, I think my brother, my sister, uncle, aunt, whoever, might have the same problem that you do. I'm not a boffin at this program, I don't think I ever will be, but this is a program of me growing and becoming a better person. I'm never going to be perfect, and that's okay, because I wouldn't be human, and I like to be a human being. I was listening to a song on a radio CD yesterday that said that life's gift to me is just to be, and my nickname as a kid was I.B., and just for today, I.B. chooses to just be instead of trying to please other people and be something that I'm not to be something in other people's eyes, instead of something behind my eyes that I'm really, really proud of. I hated the way someone I know who's been in the program for many years, every time they shared, they'd say the same thing. They'd say, I love N.A.
I was thinking, like, can't you come up with something better after all these years? But I don't think I can. Today, I love N.A., I love me, and I love that this program has given me my life back, and I can live fully just for today. Thanks for letting me share.