Audio
Transcript
Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 886 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: greg-c-letting-go-gauteng-area-na-convention-2007.mp3 Duration: 00:17:42
============================================================
I'm Greg and I'm an addict. And thank God we're at a recovery meeting because if John was the [unclear word] you'd now know what kind of shit you're going to get because what's he doing to us here? This feeling never goes away, you know, whenever you get up to share or being asked to share, I've always been nervous and in a way I'm comfortable with that stuff. When I got the SMS would I be kind enough to share at this meeting on Thursday night, my first reaction was to say yes and of course that's what I did and then afterwards a little bit of paranoia came in when I realised what topic they wanted me to talk about, letting go because I actually don't know fuck all about it. One of them got clever, sat there, picked out a topic and then looked for the victim. So here I am. Was there a message that somebody was trying to tell me? I think there is.
I'm not going to get into my story, I'm just going to tell you a couple of things and over the years there were a couple of fundamental things needed to be done, of which some of them are letting go. This Wednesday, the 12th of September is going to be the 20th anniversary of the death of my late brother, my baby brother. A good number of years ago when things were running wild and everything was good, I took him into my drug business and he was that kind of a guy, stray dogs, cats and women and I knew I'd have to look after him for the rest of my life but it was a pleasure, he was a great guy.
I just got back from Australia from a very successful trip and there was nothing in town and I went back home down to Cape Town and in hindsight when I look back, the three months before his death I was really giving him a hard time with regard to all the money that was outstanding but in my heart I knew he had used it and all he needed to really tell me was that he had used it and I wouldn't have given a shit.
So this Wednesday the 12th, 20 years ago started my period, these last 20 years started 10 years of self-destruction. It was a Saturday morning that time and I phoned him and he hadn't come down to my parents' home yet from one of the flats and I phoned again and they told me that he hadn't woken up. My whole life just shattered and as I say that took 10 years of really self-destructive behaviour, three financial rock bottoms, one visit to ICU for an overdose on heroin and a number of 48 hours spent in different prisons all over South Africa.
The real hassle was, there were two aspects to it, what was my part in his death, by getting him, by allowing him to be part of this drug world was I to blame or was it the guilt that I treated him rough for the last three months because I mean if I knew three months before his death that he was going to die I wouldn't have given a shit about the amount of stuff he had or used or whatever it costs because I'd pay anything today to get him back.
So unbeknown to me and as I say I can only look back in hindsight and I got to say that my higher powers always loved me and I didn't know it at the time and I'm only coming to terms with all that stuff now, even through all the ups and downs he always took care of me and kind of got me to the rooms of NA 10 years ago. When I walked in I think I came in like everybody else, you know we were all a little bit rough and wounded and still that street bravado and everything else so what do they do, they talk to you about surrender. Six days before I walked in I had a pure habit because I didn't
[00:04:59]
want to look like a hobo, I bathed, shaved, dressed and then went back to the bedroom and
[00:05:06]
used like a recluse every single day. So I looked in the mirror and I saw these eyes and I looked at this person and I knew I could not do this anymore and it took six days for me to walk into a rehab. I walked in and that night they took me to my first NA meeting and it was somebody's one year birthday. I was really, really tired of using maybe about two years before I even got here. That birthday meeting has stood with me as one of the greatest motivations in staying clean and the ability to stay clean because somebody there was celebrating 365 days and it was just absolutely phenomenal. I walked into that rehab with a load of other stuff but the most important thing about it was my fear about who was going to come out after that stay in that rehab. So they spoke to me about surrender, I surrendered this fight to the drugs and then I came out and I did exactly what I was told. I found myself a sponsor and he told me to do 90 meetings in 90 days and we started working the steps and he told me to get a service position and that's what I did and as soon as I got a little bit of clean time and when they maybe thought I had a little bit more intelligence they started telling me about letting it go.
I don't know what the shit they were talking about. It took me a good part of six years in this fellowship before I gave up on the guilt, my part in what I thought might have been with Rowan and that was one of the most freeing aspects of my recovery was when I finally found the ability to put that stuff down and move on with my life. The other things had all changed, I no sooner had I come out I got a job, I've been here in this country all my life, I've got lots of friends, I got myself a good job. Things were hard in the beginning, it was a case of eating humble pie but my basic salary was a month, I would use it in a day. I had to learn to live on small money and the funny thing is I didn't resent that. After losing everything along the route, it didn't hold much depth. I always knew it doesn't matter what happens, you can spin me upside down, throw me, I'm going to land on my feet and I'm going to know how to make money.
So that was never my problem. But it took two years before I started seeing the so-called materialistic things of this fellowship, but I was still walking around with all this baggage. So as I say, it took me a good five, nearly six years before I let go with Rowan. By that time I was really fully involved, very much only living in a, that was my life, I actually hid here for seven and a half years. Whatever service position came up, whatever I could do in the way of service for this fellowship, I did. The people that I worked with, we started getting these ideas that maybe we should start letting people vote. Who gives a fuck about them voting, let's just tell them what to do. That's my attitude, I've got a bad controlling situation.
So that was hard to kind of swallow. The other things that were hard in the service side of the fellowship was when we'd open up a meeting and we'd go every night, once a week, open it up, make the coffee, wait for the addicts, nobody pitched, a year later, close the thing down. Normally took it a little bit personal, it felt like a bit of an ego blow. Had to learn to give that up too. About two and a half years ago I decided it was time to move out of this fellowship and go get myself a life and start living kind of differently. I'd been freed by this thing with Rowan and I kind of somehow managed to let go of the service stuff. I never really wanted to give
[00:10:02]
up the reins of the stuff that I was doing here in NA as a service. But it was time to let it go, my sponsor wanted me to let it go, I didn't really want to let it go and every fibre inside me said no, but I knew I had to do it and that's what I did. I was still working for the same company, a lot of stuff was promised to me and that wasn't taking place and a lot of resentment was coming and of course I had a lot of fear about leaving this place and I always thought, I kind of blew this picture up in my mind that I needed a hell of a lot of money to go start a business.
And I suppose it was just all fear, paranoia, any excuse to stay in the comfort zone. Anyway, I stopped coming to meetings, popped in only every now and then, somebody's birthday, one or two of this and of course not being around, nobody asked me to share and my connection with NA slowly drifted. One thing's for sure, the promise that they made me when I walked in here, if I follow this programme and do the five simple things that I need to do, the obsession to use would be lifted. Two and a half years ago when I left, the obsession had been lifted, I got no interest in using.
I met a girl on the outside, she drove me insane, I had to let that one go, don't know how but that one worked. Eventually out of really sheer desperation and lots of frustration in business, I finally decided to throw in the towel where I was and go do something for myself and never mind my fear that I needed all this money to start. I left there, I'm in the used car business, I bought a couple of cars, I put it on a few of my friends' stands and they were selling the cars for me and I was living off a retired life, go swimming at the gym, do this, do that, and they were selling and I was enjoying it but things weren't comfortable, I wasn't comfortable on the inside. I was still out of sync and I knew I was still carrying a bit of stuff and I was slowly drifting into more insanity by not being connected to this place. And then it kind of all happened at once, I knew I was insane, I knew I had to get back to a meeting, I'd heard, read and experienced enough of it to know that I needed to have a meeting and I went back and I picked up a home group and at the same time an opportunity came out and I managed to buy this shell of a company that also was involved in used cars, put it all together, found a place, put my cars in there and today I've got myself a good business and the business plan that I wrote four years ago to try and get somebody to put up big money for me actually looks stupid today and it was all started with small money. I know this, that I've got to show up, I've got to tell the truth, I've got to live honestly and with honour, do what I'm responsible for and leave the rest of the results to my higher power and he's been working in my life for a long, long time. There's a couple of things that I've, since they gave me this topic to talk about, letting go, all the old sayings come back, let go, let God, don't hold on to this, whatever it is. When I look back over the ten years that I've been here in this fellowship, all the good things that have happened to me, I've only actually realised after it's taken place and that I didn't even know it was happening, which tells me that the only way I'm going to stay clean, enjoy my life, let things go, stay focused, is to be plugged into this place.
Go to my home group, talk to my sponsor, love having my sponsors, without them I don't get half the objective point of view that I need to be able to know what to do for myself. Ever since my ten year birthday I've been fortunate enough for a lot of members of this fellowship that have asked me to come and share at different meetings.
[00:15:05]
I've got back to different meetings that I hadn't seen or been to for years, and that's been an absolute pleasure. I'm actually amazed at how many people made the effort to come here this afternoon for this little convention over this weekend. You can give yourselves a round of applause. It's really these conventions, these little happenings, and even the big ones are absolutely amazing. This is the kind of stuff that recovery builds for us, this fellowship thing.
What actually happened to me ten years ago, and I didn't realise it until a couple of months ago, was that all of a sudden one day I kind of opened my eyes and I was standing on a road in a desert with a heavy pack on my back with all my bullshit in it. And this bakkie pulled up with blacked-out windows and a voice said, Hop on the back, I'll give you a ride. And of course, the first thing I wanted to do was take control of the situation and ask, Well, are you going in my direction?
And the person said, or the voice said, There is only one road. I got onto the back of this bakkie and I stood there with this pack on my back for I don't know how long of this drive. And I was standing on this bakkie, this thing had stopped to give me a ride, and this idiot was standing on the back holding this heavy stuff on his back until the bakkie slowed down and everything around it was desolate.
It was like being in a desert, hot, heavy, bakkie slowed down and this amazing voice said, I stopped to give you a ride. Take the back, this thing off your back, put it down, sit down and enjoy the ride. And no sooner did I do that, then the whole of the scenery changed into the most magnificent garden of Eden and here I am enjoying my life with a future that is all in my hands. And as I said, all I've got to do is show up, tell the truth, live honorably and leave the rest to my higher power.
Thanks for letting me share. Thank you.