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Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 909 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: ezekiel-n-freedom-in-recovery-nasac-johannesburg-2006.mp3 Duration: 00:19:52
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Hi everybody. I'm Ezekiel N.. I know it sounds very long. Wow, I'm so nervous. I've never been in such a big room, you know, full of people. It's the first time in my life speaking to so many people. But yeah, I wouldn't be here, and I wouldn't be actually alive, I suppose, you know, if I wasn't actually given the opportunity to be in a meeting. But I remember I actually asked my younger brother. He's actually, I think he's very successful rather than myself. And I used to be a bit jealous of him, you know, that he's got it all, and I'm the one who's actually putting him off, you know, because I was the one who was supposed to actually give him advice.
But I wasn't doing all that. I was actually the young one, always relying on handouts and stuff. It took me 17 years to actually kick the habit away. I started, it was nice when I started experimentation. Yes, I was young. I was in, I was like, I thought I'm hip like anybody else. I've been to music, religions, many religions. I've been to so many things, you know, I never could write a book. Now, you know, since I came to NA, I actually found myself again.
Because, you know, I was so lost that I became actually nothing. I actually lost everything. God previously blessed me with everything, you know. He actually gave me so many things. Sometimes things maybe I thought I didn't need and I just didn't take care of everything that I had. Yeah, I sold my stuff and he still gave me the opportunity to still be something, you know. I remember when I was young, I wanted to be an astronaut, but I ended up being the other astronaut. I used to fly so high that it was so difficult for me to come back to Earth, you know.
Wow, and today I'm actually a different person with different goals, though my goals are still, you know, the same because I still need to attain things. I still need to achieve things in my life. I used to for 17 years, as I said before, and it took me five years. When I realized that I actually need help, it took me five years to get to my first meeting. And I remember the first day I went to a meeting, I was like, you know, I wasn't really anxious, but I was like, I'm looking forward to it, you know, I was like looking for a high of some sort, you know.
And I went into this meeting and I truly found a certain new high, you know, in my life. And I remember my eyes were like, you know, I was like a bull terrier, you know. My eyes were like, I was ready to, you know, to go, you know, at something, you know. So I was only trying to find myself through that. When I came to NA, most fortunately, that's when I met my sponsor. I'm very lucky that I still have my sponsor, even to the very same guy. And I became a 12-step junkie, you know.
So right now, okay, honestly enough, I know that, you know, you cannot do step one before you do, I mean, you cannot do step two before you do step one and whatever, whatever. But I'm thinking that I'm going through the steps at the same time. And I know it might sound a bit ridiculous, but I've done my service before I could do anything else, even before I cleaned up my life.
[00:05:00]
I wanted to get away from using, maybe say about, spend eight hours of my time doing something, then I could use that after. But eventually that helped me to really seek true cleanliness, you know, because I actually work with children. I'm actually a volunteer teacher, though I'm not qualified, but I'm given the opportunity to, you know, work at this particular school because I'm an artist, I'm a musician, so I was given this little chance to work with the kids.
And these kids would always ask me, um, drugs this, drugs that, and I would be evasive, I would be telling them lies, drugs are not good, I'm not doing them, you know. And they would meet me in the street, and I'm a stupor by then, you know, I'm like, I'm off, I'm completely off. The following day, I'm like, as though, you know, nothing happened, you know. And that really got me into, it got into my conscience. I could not think of myself as being a liar, though I know I'm still a very good liar. I'm not very honest. I'm not actually honest at all.
Yeah, believe me, I can come to you now and I can tell you stuff that you'd feel so sympathetic and, you know, and you'd do anything for me, whereas I'm saying, ah, the kids. Of which I'm trying to fix that, too, you know, because I actually realized that the first step is not only a program for addicts, you know, it can also work for people who are not actually addicts. Because I believe that whatever is going on in anybody's life, where there's problems and so many other things, you know, the first step can actually bring the answer to that. Yeah, right now, I'm only willing, you know, I've got an open mind and I'm trying to be as honest as possible, though I know that I'm actually very dangerous.
To anybody, especially in my life. I could deceive people, you know, because I actually learned the skills when I was very young. My family, like my mom, you know, when I was about two, three days clean, she could not just believe it, you know, she thought I was lying. Even today, I don't think that she still really believes me that I'm clean. But I've taken it to myself that I'm not doing this for anybody. I'm doing this for myself. You know, I've got so much to catch up with. I've lost 17 years of my life.
Oh, I'm somewhat 30-something. No kid, no house, no nothing. And I'm like, you know, how am I going to get all this? So I have to start at the beginning again. Now I am 18 again. Believe me, I'm 18. Stuff that I do is for the 18-year-old. But with a certain vision, you know, some sort of different vision of, you know, not tripping like I used to trip before. I used to have a lot of musical instruments. I sold them all. For me today, for me to buy one single instrument, it takes me a year now. And I'm only 20 months clean.
So I'm trying to attain so much in, you know, in little time, which is very impossible. I know that whatever that I've spoiled in my life, I'm not just going to bring back in two years or even in 20 years, you know. But I'm thanking God for the simple opportunity that I just realized that I need help. And I have spoken about it, and I'm actually receiving it from people like you, people in these rooms.
I hear stories from people, and I thought I was actually the most terrible guy in the world. But wow, I've had stories. You know, I've had such stories that, you know, it freaks me out sometimes. But I'm very grateful that there is N.A. in Soweto. The program that we are running in Soweto is actually very helpful. There were other programs I've had that did not work at all. But since there's N.A., yes, there's progress.
[00:10:03]
You know, even, you know, as we come and go, we come and go, you know, new ones come, stay six months, and then, you know, go again. But I think I only managed to stay for 20 months, and I'm still hoping that I can stay another week, you know, and only another week, not another year or so. And I used to think that I'll go to a rehab center for about three months, and then I'll have, you know, my time to do whatever I want. But I just realized that, oh, it's going to take the rest of my life. What a mess I've put myself into.
Not N.A., but myself, in terms of, I mean, I've used it for so long, and then I've actually created other little headaches, you know, behind me, because my friends used to think that, you know, I'm the guru, you know, I know all about it. And, you know, we used to talk about how good is it to really binge with me. And today, it makes me so sad. It saddens my heart to see people who used to, you know, value my presence or take me as a role model, but being such a, you know, a negative role model. I wish I could fix that every time I see them, you know.
That's why I'm saying that I'm actually taking the first step randomly, because I can actually do my steps, step seven, seven, eight, even before I complete my step one, because I think even now, I still have got issues with my step one, you know. And step two, step three, even when I was an addict, I used to be a believer in, you know, in a certain power, in a higher power, because God used to provide, even if when I wanted to be high, he would send a friend and say, look at him, he doesn't have a shirt. Go to him, give him a scale for something.
And, you know, I used to get, you know, so fortunate. Yeah, Chile, I lost everything. I became a full-blown junkie, a full-blown addict. I lost completely everything. I didn't even have my pants on. You know, so, yeah, somehow I'm trying to regain my, well, personal possessions. When I see those, I can get those any time. But myself, right now, I'm gaining myself. This is the freedom that I'm actually having.
When they said the theme was freedom, and I thought about so many freedoms I had. Well, most unfortunately, my dad passed when I was about 14, and wow, it was like freedom, because, you know, he was such a straight guy. He didn't take shit from me. When he passed away, I didn't even cry, and I thought, wow, now, this is the time for me to go now. You know, I've done it all. And when I was about 19, I started crying about him and saying, where are you now? I need you now. You're supposed to be giving me advice on how to do stuff, and whatever.
That freedom, actually, it became something else that I don't want anymore. I didn't want that freedom anymore. I had to let it go, this freedom of, because, you know, I used to be self-centered so much that I used to think that I was setting trends. You know, I was like the cheapest guy, you know, the fashion and all, you know. I thought that was the freedom, the music. I was into some unusual things for a black, you know, boy, and I was into rock. I was into religions, and I was into the doors, by the way, you know.
Oh, Lord. You know, I remember having this hatred. I used to hate my father so much that there will be a song that is coming, and I was thinking, I'll just do the same thing that the song is saying to me. It was so easy. It was so, it was getting there. It says, ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding, ding.
[00:15:02]
Thank you god, I'm actually saved from that. Yes, I still love their music. Oh, believe in me. I cry when I hear that music all the time. Now the freedom that I have now is a freedom that I you know, it stems from my heart. It's a freedom to be alive. It's a new freedom in terms of appreciating the most essential things that I have. Oxygen. Sunshine. You know, when it's a new day I kick my blankets like, wow another new day.
I'm coming for it. Though there are challenges in my day, you know, because I spend a lot of my time okay, with children, but sometimes I need to be alone because I need to practice. And now it's so hard to be alone with an instrument, you know, because I need to concentrate. These relationships, these things they really confuse me. I don't know sometimes you know, where I'm going, but I believe that my answers are in my heart.
As I said before, that honesty is something else also that I think I am not. But I try to be as honest as possible, even though I you know, sometimes tell myself that I'm honest, but I know that you know, I remember my my sponsors sent me a message this week, and he said, you know, sometimes we behave and believe that we have forgotten something, and of which we never did forget it. You know, we knew about it.
We knew about it and we pretend as though we have forgotten about it. And about another sponsor too. You know, my sponsor is such a nice guy. I thought he was living his life for me. After some time I realized that no, he's got a life too, you know. Because you know, he said to me the other time, you know, what are you going through now? I'm actually going through the same thing now. And I started asking myself, wow, is it like that?
I was the one who was actually motivating him, you know, rather. You know, opposite way, you know. So he sends me a message in the morning, every morning, half past four, five o'clock, sends me a message. Myself, just before I go to bed, or because I mean, I'm living two days in one day. Daylight and at night is another day for me. Because I need to catch up. So I sent him a message around ten past ten, and then actually say what I feel, or what happened, or you know, respond directly to his message.
So I'm trying to catch up. I'm trying to catch up. For an example, if I'm twenty years and I have to spend half of my life sleeping, so it will be ten years. So if I have used drugs and then I have slept for another half of that ten years, it means that I have actually lived for five years. So I mean, I have to catch up, you know. I must catch up. So sometimes I feel that I'm still having a paparazzo of some sort. I'm still having a hangover.
Because I sometimes feel that I'm still high somehow, you know. Though my biggest challenge now is or my everyday challenge is that as an artist, I'm always with artists and they always use. And I'm always around them. So I do my serenity prayer almost twenty times a day. You know, because every time they pass a joint, I'm like, Oh! Oh! Today it smells so potent. I wonder where did they get this one from, you know.
And it's like it's a fight. But this fight is actually leading me to a better freedom. Once I can be able to resist that in a day, for me it's such a good feeling. That's what I call freedom and freedom and freedom and freedom. Thank you. [Applause]