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Source: Unidentified Historical Recording – Fellowship Review Recording 915 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: absalon-c-relationships-in-recovery-na-2006-archive-915.mp3 Duration: 00:33:00
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How's it? Monadic, my name's Absalon. I want to thank the God of my understanding for another day of life and this opportunity to recover. It's not everybody gets this opportunity, and I don't ever, ever want to forget that. Does everybody have a tape measure? They said six inches from here. Anyway. Let's take a moment of silence just for whatever it is you need to take a moment of silence for, because I need to take a moment of silence because I'm really going through like a lot of feelings, emotions, but it's all good.
So this is a topic on, thank you, so this is a topic on relationships, right? This topic is relationships, and it never fails. I've been to a lot of conventions, you know, when they have relationship topics, workshops, whatever, it's full. It's like it's here, you know, and it's not not surprising at all. I think that what we ought to do is we ought to just put on the program, say it's a relationships workshop.
And then when we get here, we should like talk about the steps and service. And we got everybody here. But but no, see, relationships are important. They're very important because that's what it's all about, man. It's all about relationships, you know, and I like starting new relationships. And, you know, right away, it's like even when I first came around and even today, you know, when when they say the word relationships, what first comes to mind is man, woman, woman, woman, man, man, whatever, romantic, sexual relations.
That's the first thing that comes to mind, because those are like so there's a lot. Sometimes there's a lot of pain involved in those type of relationships when you're like so close to a person. But there are so many different types of relationships with like, tell you what, I have a relationship with the basic text. You know, by the way, Patrick, you got some nice stuff in here. Patrick, let me borrow his his basic text to come up here whenever I share.
I like to like sometimes I don't even open this book up when I share it, but it gives me comfort. I have a relationship with the literature and narcotics anonymous, you know, and it's. I like starting new relationships and I have since I got here on Monday. I have that feeling of starting new relationships with this fellowship, with people, with individuals here. You guys have like touched my spirit to no end.
And. And it's almost it's like it's almost the same as like when you start up like dating a new girl and a girlfriend and you get like, you know, you start talking to them and you like your hands get sweaty and you're all nervous. And it's like it's actually to me, I like that stuff. It's fun. You know, it's like because it gives you these emotions that they're not drug induced. They're just like, you know, they're there. And and I've been getting that all week since I came here to South Africa.
You guys are like, man, my I'm just truly humbled by this experience and and just certain things. You know, yesterday's the guys from Soweto that when they walked in, man, I kind of just looked over there and I was like, you know, because that's the beginning. You know, because that's the beginning of a relationship and with all you guys. And then when when they're coming up here and you guys are reading the readings in a different language and it's like history being made.
It's like that stuff to me. It's like the bomb. We say the bomb, man. It's like great stuff, man. It's awesome. But, you know, and then there's other stuff about relationships that, you know, you hear that word and a lot of people are like, oh, relationships, you know, I'm going to get up here. I'm sharing up here and I'm like really scattered because of all those emotions, you know, but before I share, I always take care of business.
And when I mean that, I take care of businesses. I, you know, I grab somebody from my support group and we get down and we pray, you know, and I ask my higher power to just like, you know, work through me. You know, I always ask for that. I ask for the need. I ask for this need to be removed because, you know, as a human, as an addict, I have a need to look good and to sound good.
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And I asked God in my understanding to please remove that, remove that need for me so that I can carry a clear message. And so, you know, whenever I take care of business, there's like no telling what's going to come out of my mouth. OK, and I like I like what somebody was sharing last night. I forget your name. And it's kind of like, hey, some of this stuff may, you know, may get you angry, may piss you off or, you know, and you were like, you know, he's very diplomatic.
Let's go have a cup of coffee afterwards and talk about it and all that stuff, you know. But they say that, you know, they say that there's a saying, they say that the truth will set you free, but first is going to piss you off. And that's what, you know, there's a saying that they talk about that stuff. So usually what we say back home is like, you know, if you get angry, you know, pisses you off.
I'm like, call your sponsor. Right. But anyway, but I'll take a new suggestion. You can talk to me afterwards or whatever. But anyway, I, you know, when I first came around, my sponsor, one of the things that he said, didn't he always says it? You know, today is he said, be who you are. Be who you are. That way, when you mess up, we know what to work on, because when you first come to this fellowship, when I first come to first came here, you know, I didn't know nothing about having good, healthy relationships.
And there's this thing that says about, I don't believe that there is a failed relationship in anything at all. There may be some pain in it and you may want to use the word. Well, maybe it's, you know, it's bad. This is kind of going bad and stuff. But I don't believe there's a failed relationship. There's always experience. It's an experience and it's something to learn. Mark, sure. We went to the prison where I was. We've been going to the prisons and went to the prison and we were walking into the prison yesterday.
And there's this sign and Mark says, there it goes again. And there's this sign in there that says, I can't remember exactly what it said, but it said for those who are successful in life or those that can make good out of any bad situation. So if for some reason some stuff goes like, you know, bad and in a relationship or whatever, if you always try to look at the good perspective in it, you're going to get something good out of it.
And that's been my experience. You know, when I got this, you know, they asked, they found out that we were coming down here to the convention and they were like asking us, hey, would you like share and stuff? And we're like, yeah, we're like open to all that. Yeah, let's go ahead. Yeah, no problem. And they emailed us on what the topics were going to be. And, you know, my friends from back home, they were teasing me when they found out that I was doing a workshop on relationships, you know, and I know why they were teasing me and laughing.
Because I've had, you know, I could say a colorful history in 10 years that I've been in recovery with relationships, you know, with women. And but you know what? None of them, none of them have been a failed relationship. They have been wonderful experiences. I have learned from each one of them. And it's been great. I'll get a little bit into that later on. But anyway, relations relationships. Right. It's like they have some ingredients and it's in the steps they have, you know, to have like good relationships.
There's like some ingredients that that need to be there, like, you know. Honesty, loyalty, you know, all these spiritual principles that you get from from the steps, you know, like commitment, all that stuff. And I always think back to make things clear for me that I can understand. I always think back about when I was using and how my, you know, and what the basic text talks about, you know, how because I believe that the disease of addiction has tools and has principles that it uses, you know, and and what it tries to do, it tries to isolate me and alienate me.
And when you're isolated and alienated, you can't like really have like relationships. It's very hard to do that, you know, and and that's what what my active addiction by means of of the drugs of using the drugs did to me. It tried to get me, you know, at first when I first started using it was like it was fun, man. It was fun, really. It was like I enjoyed the whole thing. I enjoyed the lifestyle. I enjoyed like, you know.
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When I came to the United States, I'm from Colombia. English is my second language, and I actually learned how to speak English first, listening to rock and roll, you know, and with rock and roll, all that other stuff, you know, like kind of came came with it and everything. But it was fun in the beginning. It really was. It was like and then something like, you know, they say you start crossing that line to where it was like I no longer wanted to use with others because then I would have to share my stuff and I didn't want to share my stuff.
See, and in recovery, that's what we do. We share with others and that's how we like build relationships. That's how like people get, you know, close to one another. While when I wasn't using it was like, no way. I ain't sharing nothing. Everything. It's all it was always for me. I just wanted everything for me. And. I guess. Well, like in another part of the world, man. I get quiet sometimes because I feel today and I get my spirit just gets touched. And believe me, I'm like I'm like a lot better now. And you can guys can understand me. When I first came around and I was asked to share, I would literally like.
Just like cry. And and I remember my sponsor pulling me to the side one time and said he would say, listen, homes, you're going to have to get that under control because when you start crying, when you start crying, we can't understand a word that you're saying. So you're going to have to get that. So sometimes I kind of like just pause and it's because I'm like experiencing some like really lovely feelings. I call them that lovely feelings because I sometimes for the most part, I don't understand them.
You know, a lot of times people ask me, you know, what is it that you're feeling? What are you feeling? And I'm like, I haven't the slightest clue, but it feels good, man. That's all I know. It just feels good. You know, and. And, you know, in recovery, when I first came around, one of the first one of the first personal relationships that I got into was the relationship that I got with my sponsor.
The first like human being, because before that, before that, I had interactions with people. And I'll give you a good example. I had interactions with people when I was using, but it come like the basic text talks about it comes down to the animal level comes to an animalistic level. Right. And, you know, in the beginning I would talk, I would communicate. But as I got isolated, you know, those skills for communicating that you need and have to have relationships since kept dwindling and dwindling.
And it boiled down for me at the end of my using what it boiled down to was this. I would go up to the corner to wherever it was at. And it wasn't even words anymore. All I did was I'd look over at the guy that had the dope and I just went. And he would either go or he'd go. I was it was like nothing else needed to be communicated. And so when I got when I got into recovery and I started coming, you know, went to meetings. I mean, I came from from from the jails, from prison.
Narcotics Anonymous found me in prison. But that's that's a whole nother story. But when I got going into the meetings and I was going in the meetings, I didn't know what to accept. I didn't know how to communicate. I didn't know how to build no relationships with anybody. And it was. What you guys did not so much what you guys said see because it talks about in the basic text It's like this message is meaningless unless we live it so I can come up here and talk and talk and talk But really it's it's all about I remember a guy sharing one time is like yeah It sounds good and all this stuff But you really really come live with me come live with me for about two weeks And then you'll really know what I'm about if you were like you know could see me on the whole then you'll really know and we do we come around here, and we see people go into meetings, and we build relationships and and I started going to these meetings, and I started to notice people and and what you guys did did something inside my spirit
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that Changed my life forever you guys started doing stuff like this, uh, you offered me a ride after a meeting, and my first reaction was like, well, man, I don't have no, no money to give you to take me there. And they were like, man, we don't need, we don't want your money, it's okay, we're just, we're just gonna give you a ride home. Or they would bring me afterwards and say, come on out and eat with us. And I was like, well, I don't have no money. And they're like, it's okay, just come on. Just, it's okay. And they started doing things that are characteristics of building relationships. You know, you're nice to people, you're like, friendly, you're, you, you, acts of kindness. Stuff that I was totally, totally foreign to. And it did something. It did something inside. It's hard to express it. I mean, it's like, I try, but it's hard to, to express it. And, um, and I, I like that, but I didn't know how to do it. So the only way that, um, that I've not even, not even figure it out that I heard somebody share on how to do it was do this thing, do these things like you did them in your, in your act of addiction, which what I'm saying is I was one of those addicts that I suited up all the time to the corner, to wherever the spot was, to wherever they were selling drugs. I was one of those that, you know, like hung on the street all the time. And, um, and I was there, you know, I grew up in, in, in New York and it was like, you know, uh, snow, rain, it didn't matter.
It didn't matter. I was there. And I was like afraid to leave because I thought that I was going to miss something if I left. And I remember somebody sharing and saying, apply those same tools here for a good cause for you to take care of yourself. So I started showing up and going to the meeting all the time. And I would like talk to my sponsor all the time. And even till today, it was like, we were hanging out to like two in the morning yesterday.
And it was like, you know, I didn't want to miss anything. It just happens just like that. I just didn't want to miss anything. And, uh, and I started to develop this relationship with this man. Um, and I started to like, see, there's another characteristic of relationships that another tool, another principle, trust started to trust this man. And, um, another thing that happened to me is that when I first got out of prison, I didn't have, all I had was the clothes on my back and a couple of letters that like my sister had sent me and stuff. And my family had like, you know, there's stay away for many years. My family had like, I had burned that bridge a long, long time ago. And I had to stay at a place called the salvation army, which is like, we're all the people that don't have nowhere to go, go. And, um, you know, it's a lot of drugs being used there. You see like, you know, syringes in the garbage, you see all kinds of stuff. And I remember that I was, I went there and then I started going to meetings and I would go and I would go to, uh, to the meetings and they would ask me, Hey, can I take you back home? And I remember having that shame of like, I don't want you to see where I'm living at, but there was something, I call it something, or I say something, but today I know that it was a higher power working in my life that would make me say, okay. And, um, and I was, I would go to these places and as people got to know me a little better and I started building relationships with different addicts in the meetings, I remember one guy came and said to me, Hey, Absalon, you, uh, would you like to stay in my place? Would you like to stay in my flat? And, uh, I'm learning new words, but anyway, he said, uh, yeah, he said, look, you can, uh, you know, we can work something out and, you know, you don't have to stay there anymore and, you know, it'll be good for you, you know? And I was like, all right, yeah, great. You know, I wanted to get out of that place. So we went and I remember I slept on the floor and it was like a, just a little apartment and, uh, first day, right? We get there and then, you know, we'll go to sleep and stuff. And he has to go to work before I do. And this guy got up and he woke me up and he said, uh, he said, Hey man, here's a key. And, um, I gotta go to work before he left. He said, if you decide to steal my things, go ahead.
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Don't take my basic texts. Don't steal my basic texts. My first thought was, why don't you take your basic texts with you then? Right? But what happened was, what happened was that he told me that and he left and left me with his key. And he knew that, you know, I'd gotten out of prison. He really didn't know me that well. I was only like, what, two months around in the program. And the feeling that I got when that man left and I had the key to his place and in my hand, it's like one of those feelings that, wow, what's going on? I didn't understand, but it was, but it felt good. And then I went to work that day and I was a nervous wreck. I was a nervous wreck because I thought here it is for the first time in my life, I feel trusted by somebody. What if somebody goes in there and steals his stuff? He's going to think it's me.
And I wanted to like, you know, I wanted to be part of this. And that's how I knew that I wanted to be a part of this. And I knew that I was starting to, I didn't know it at that point, but today I look back and I wanted to get into a relationship with Narcotics Anonymous. I wanted to get into a relationship with a new way of life. And as a, you know, as a result, I have made a lot of, a lot of good friends. I mean, man, Patrick's like one of my best friends, man.
And it's like, we have an awesome relationship. You know, just like he has taught me some things that, uh, I'll tell you what, I got a little bit of time, right? Do I got a little bit of time? Okay. Yeah. Just put, put your, the little clock here whenever you want me to stop. Or if you guys want me to stop, just say, shut up. Okay. Okay. My, um, um, my mother never got to see me clean and she's been dead for about 13 years now.
And she used to sit on her deathbed and she used to like rub my track marks. Cause she knew I was, you know, an addict and she fought my addiction for many, many years. And, uh, it was a very painful relationship. And I remember I used to go visit my mother and whenever she would like fall asleep a little bit, I used to take her morphine pills and I would rationalize in my head and say, she's going to die. She's not going to need him.
I'm the one that's still alive. I'm going to need him more than she does. And, uh, and it was a lot of pain behind that relationship. And I had about 90 days clean. And I remember Patrick inviting me we're building, I'm building relationships with people. It's like, it's, uh, I like how you guys say, you know, cheers. Cause every time you guys say that there's a, there's a television show called cheers and have this little theme song in there that says you want to go where everybody knows your name. Because when we were out in the street, we were just like nameless people, really just like zombies walking down and finally came to a place where people knew my name.
And I remember Patrick pulling up on the street. I remember like it was yesterday and he, he looked out the window and we were in traffic and he said, Absalon. And I was like, wow, I had managed to get a little car and stuff. And I was like working and doing stuff that I had never done my whole life. And he says, want to go to the convention in Dallas this weekend? And I was like, Hey man, uh, I'd love to, but I ain't got no money. Don't worry. I got you.
Anyway, before we get to the convention, he tells me, Hey, I got to make a little stop, man. Come with me, right? Well, I'm in his car. I gotta go anyway, but he says, come on. And we, we go to, what we do is we go to a cemetery and, uh, he gets out of the car. I get out of the car and, um, he starts talking to his parents and he says, you know, I'm another year clean, you know, I'm happy. I'm not alone. And I'm here with a friend that's new to the program.
And, uh, you know, I'm not alone. Everything's good. And he put his medallion at his mom's gravesite and his dad's gravesite. And I was literally, I was very like, what is this guy doing? He's talking to dead people here. It's like, I'm like, you know, it really blew me away. I'm like, Ooh, this what's going on, you know, because it was staring feelings up in me because
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my mother had passed away and she had never seen me clean. But at the same time, it gave me hope, it gave me hope. And I said, you know what? I'm going to do that. And I promised my mom 10 medallions and I've already been able to go. Cause my mom's ashes, she got cremated and her ashes were flown to Columbia. And I couldn't leave the United States for many, many years because I was on in trouble with the law and it wouldn't let me go. But I did the footwork and I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. And I kept building relationships with people. I built relationships with not even people in NA with people like my parole officer, my, my, my boss, you know, and what I did is I used the principles of the program.
It's like honest, you know, I was like, you know, suit up and show up. I shoot it up and showed up to like, I was at every parole visit and I was at, I've always been the work, you know, I never call in sick. You know, I was doing all that stuff and they allowed me to go, you know, and, and, uh, that's where our trip started. You know, we flew in, we flew to Columbia and I went and brought some medallions to my mother's gravesite and I started a healing relationship with her. And I've had a better relationship with my mother for the past 13 years.
She's been dead, but there's a spiritual connection, you know, and it's, uh, it's awesome, you know, and in, in talking about like my parents, man, it's like my dad was talking, you know, last night, my dad, I used to think about killing my dad. I used to premeditate, how can I kill him? You know, cause it was like, I came from an abusive family with, where he would like beat up on my mother when I was a little boy and I would like distract him and have him beat me up so that she wouldn't get hit. And, uh, and I wanted to, for years, I wanted to kill that man. And, uh, through the steps, through the steps, through healing, through forgiveness, that's another good tool for relationships when there's like, you know, uh, some harm being done. We're human. We're going to make mistakes. It's like, that's a good tool to reestablish relationships. It's forgiveness.
And, um, and I got, you know, I got to go to Columbia and I got to see my dad and, um, I got to start building a relationship with him. And what happened in that trip really was our second trip to Columbia. What happened was that I fell in love with my father. And today that's like the closest family member that I have. That's the family member that I keep in most contact with. I talked to him at least once a week. Now I was able to take them to, to the world convention in Hawaii and make some of those like financial amends. Cause I used to steal from that man.
I mean, I used to like take his vehicles, take his money. Every time he turned around, it was like I was gone and I was able to do that stuff and spend some time with him. And that's another one of the reasons. Cause it continues, you know, it's like this, you know, this program gives opportunities. And, um, that's one of the reasons too, why like, you know, when this whole South Africa trip came is like, you know, I'm a soccer fan, football, you know?
And, uh, and my dad is too. And my dad's like, I would be like, wow, lifelong dream for him to be able to come for the world cup and sit in a, you know, in a game, you know, especially with me. And it'd be like, that's one of the reasons why I'm here. I'm like, you know, and talk to some people and say, and try to plan that out. So it's like, it's there, you know, it's there. Um, you know what? Yeah. I've, like I said before, I've, I've struggled a lot in, in relationships with women. And, um, and that's something that I'm going through right now.
You know, um, but there's some healing going on. There's some healing going on. Um, now I was in a relationship with a woman for about three years. And, uh, one of the things that are, You know, sometimes I have a loving God higher power, and sometimes I don't understand my higher power, but I trust my higher power. Thank you for that story. I've learned how to let go of the branch.
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And I've gone through some painful stuff in recovery. I think one of the most painful things that I've gone through in recovery was that… know, I've always wanted to have a family and have that relationship, you know, because I've experienced the relationships with, you know, siblings, fathers, friends, all that stuff. And I'd like to be able to have a relationship as a father. And I was in a relationship with this woman for about three years, and she got pregnant and we're supposed to have a baby, but she lost the baby at six months.
And because of the program, I didn't get loaded because of the program, I was like able to to be there when that baby came out and I was able to say goodbye. It's like no pain that I've ever felt. And for a long time after that happened, I wouldn't be I wasn't able to get around kids. Every time there were like babies or small children, I just couldn't do it. And this last year, we went to a convention and an old, old friend of mine called me and I hadn't heard her for a long time.
And I'm like, how are you doing this and that? And she said, I'd like to see you. And she says, you know, I've had a baby since I seen you. And it was like I stopped. I was like, whoa. And but I needed to work through this. And I said, you know, I'll come visit you. And and and I was able to go and hang out with her and I was able to pick her baby up and there was some healing and all that stuff. And I'm working through all that stuff.
So it's like, man, there's so much stuff. There's so much stuff, but we can go through pain here. We can laugh. This is an awesome, awesome program. I could stand here and talk to you guys for for a long time. But I'm not going to just going to just say thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you.