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Source: Scott T – Came 2 Believe (2023) – Steps Six and Seven – Date Unknown.mp3 File: scott-t-came-2-believe-2023-steps-six-and-seven-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:41:16
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6 and 7, yeah, 6 and 7. Scott, thank you. Hi everybody, I'm Scott, I'm an alcoholic. Oh, I love the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I love the people, and I usually start off and say it has not always been like that. I've had a wonderful, wonderful weekend so far, and I'd like to thank all the people that have given talks, and it's just literally helped fill me up. I came here this weekend to just be a part of and absorb, you know, the fellowship, the steps, to listen to other people's takes on it.
Bob was right when he talked about people that get up here can be very, very dangerous and serious when we start reading our own press clippings, and it becomes very serious when we, I guess I can say, start running our mouths up here because some of us let it get to our heads, you know. I've heard, I'm here to talk about steps 6 and 7, which are probably two of the least understood steps in the whole program.
They're two short paragraphs, and we read them and just breeze right through them and ask our creator to help us and to not do these things, the character defects and shortcomings that have been pointed out to us in the fourth and fifth step, and we don't want to live like that anymore, so what do we got to do and how do we change? And we just breeze right through it and then move on to our amends and stuff that Rich is going to talk about.
And I did that. You know, I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous, believe it or not, a little over 50 years ago. I know we've got some people here from Quincy and Boston and stuff, and that's where I'm from, and I got sentenced to Alcoholics Anonymous from the judge, and I was not looking for a 12-step solution. It was soul sickness I didn't think I had. I wish you'd just leave me alone and I'd be okay.
You know, through that experimentation and self-deception, trying to prove myself an exception to the rule, the 70s for me were just a whirlwind of one jackpot after another. In and out of Alcoholics Anonymous, not understanding. I love it in the book because it talks about a principle that's a bargain. It's all information that's proof against all argument that cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance, and that principle is contempt prior to investigation.
I thought I knew what Alcoholics Anonymous was, and I thought I knew what it wasn't. And that was from the 60s with my dad. I love it because we were talking about Quincy and blackouts and driving and stuff earlier. And my son, one of my sons, was born in 1979, and I came out of a blackout right across from the police station as I ran into the side of McDonald's, through McDonald's, and I totaled their car.
And Bob says to me, I was in that jail. I never knew that. I just learned something new. But, you know, the drinking age was 18 at the time, and in the 60s I would go to Al-Anon with my mom and didn't get anything out of Al-Anon. I'd take the trains into southeast South Boston and go to Al-Ateem meetings and didn't get anything out of Al-Ateem. I wasn't looking for anything. I just had some bad luck.
If you just leave me alone, I'll be okay. Then I had my first arrest, assault and battery on a police officer and drunk and disorderly conduct. And I got sent to AA, the young people's group, in North Quincy at St. Constantin's Church. And the youngest young person was, people were nodding their head, the youngest young person was in their 30s. And how it worked back then, you've got to remember, this is when the second edition was around.
And Bill Wilson, one of our founders, had just passed away. And what they did back then is they would interview you to see if you even belonged. And that happened to me at the very first meeting. The old-timers grabbed me after the meeting and started interviewing me to see if I belonged. And when I say the old-timers, I'm talking about the guys with like 60 days and 90 days. You know, their sponsor said, go talk to this kid.
And they came over and talked to me. And they basically precluded me from AA. They said I was more of the juvenile delinquent type. And that if I could learn to deal with my anger, I'd be okay. I loved it when Maury was talking about that emotional sobriety and stuff. Because I started making the rounds of the homes of the bewildered, as my friend Jim Buckley would talk about. Medfield State Hospital, getting strapped to the bed.
Pumpful of lithium, thorazine, chloral hydrate, Haldol. All these wonderful drugs getting diagnosed. Suicidal, homicidal, manic-depressive, right? They're trying to find a better way for me. And putting me on all these drugs and stuff. And really what it was is I was misdiagnosed. I'm an alcoholic. See, I didn't know this at the time. A lot of my behaviors were common manifestations of alcoholism. And so not understanding the steps, the program of action that's outlined in the book, I kept going out defending my right to drink.
Because I was not looking for your way. I just wanted you off my back. And so, you know, my dad had been in AA. And I remember waking up out of sleep.
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And my mom, my older brother in the kitchen, crying. My other brother there. And my dad had hit and killed a woman in a blackout. And he was drunk. And you try to process that as a kid, your hero, your dad. Not understanding the severity of this illness, the alcoholic being like the tornado, roaring through the lives of others. It talks about the warped lives of blameless wives and children. The sweet relationships that get dead.
And I didn't know this. I just knew my dad drank. The police were always at my house. My mom always got beat up. I was never going to be like him. No matter what happened, I was never going to be like him. And all of a sudden, I find myself, years later, trying to overcome an obsession I got no control over. I didn't understand that I was in an absolute fight for my life. And that when I put alcohol in my body, I had that abnormal reaction.
Where that drink was going to demand another drink. The thing that differentiated me from normal people that were drinking. I didn't know these things because they weren't explained to me. One of the things that our book talks about is the alcoholic that's properly armed with the facts about themselves can easily win the confidence of another. And my first sponsor, I don't say this to disrespect the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, but my first sponsor smoked marijuana.
He got up there, he took a four-year medallion. How it worked back then is, let's say Rich is my sponsor. Rich would get up here and tell you all about me and the steps I've taken this year. I like that, this year. And then I would get up, he'd hand me the medallion and say a few words. And this guy, Fred, was taking a four-year anniversary medallion. And he got up and said all this wonderful stuff.
And he said he was really nervous to get up that morning because he was going to have to get up here in front of all you people. So he smoked a joint to take the edge off. And that meeting got over and everybody clapped. And I love what Fred had to say. So that meeting got over and I went right up to him and asked him to be my sponsor. That was my first experience with sponsorship at Alcoholics Anonymous.
Now make no mistake here. Years later, when I finally read the book and took that prescription that's outlined in it, Dr. Silkworth closes all those loopholes for me. He says that people like me can't take alcohol in any form. And the only treatment I have to offer is complete abstinence. See, I can't play that game with my being maladjusted to life and full flight from reality and outright mental defectives.
My friend Wayne always said that those are some of our finer quality traits. Because they are! And they were. And so it was vicious for me. In and out of the jails. I went in the Army. Tried all the things we do. I went to California, the land of golden opportunity. Came out of a blackout in an L.A. county jail. Ended up in the penitentiary. I'm in the penitentiary. I'd been in A.A. ten years at this time.
Still no substantial sobriety. Know anything. Never worked the steps. Never read the book. I'm sitting there in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in Southern California. H and I get up there. And the guy's name was Eddie Miracle. And he said, you know, if you're new, you've come home. You need never be alone again. You're like the prodigal son who had to venture out there and now you're home. He started talking as this is a disease of perception.
Our glass being half empty, half full. He started talking how we're all children of God. For me, love you for your color, you not for your color. That there's no room for hypocrites in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Either we're all God's kids or none of us are. What was my choice going to be? He was just talking spiritual truths. You know, he talked a lot about his sponsor, which was Chuck Chamberlain at the time.
And I believe luck and chance was passing me by. You know, I really believe that. And I reached up and I grabbed onto it. And the meeting ended. They did a vision for you talking about our book being meant to be suggestive only. We realized we know only a little. I'm not going to recite it, but it goes through this whole thing. And I'm sitting there ten years and AA had never heard that. Because, see, in Quincy and in Boston at the time, they didn't do any readings like that.
Okay? They didn't have things on the wall. It was just the meeting started and the meeting ended. And usually you don't even go and share in your own meeting back then. Okay? They had commitments and other groups would come in. And so the other groups would come in. And if you went to another group, you couldn't even share unless you had 90 days. Couldn't even talk unless you had 90 days. So they laid it on your head.
Couldn't even talk. And so now I'm listening to this in California and I'm thinking, where are they getting this stuff? Right? This is so powerful. More about alcoholism, that many of us will pursue this into the gates of insanity or death. And they're talking about me. And I go, where are they getting this? And you hear people joke that if you ever want to hide something from the alcoholic, you put it in the big book.
Right? It was the least read book in the rooms where I went. Okay? And all of a sudden I'm getting a solution. And I jumped into AA like my life depended on it. Worked all 12 steps, having had that spiritual awakening as the result of the steps. That guy, Eddie Miracle, became my sponsor when I paroled. I had breathed right through. We heard about the first step. You know, the first two steps basically from the doctor's opinion, page 63.
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Deal with a couple things and really only a couple things. And we heard them so far this week and they're conclusions of my mind. Okay? Where I am convinced, okay, at depth, I have that surrender at depth that I'm an alcoholic. I've got a problem. What do I got to do about it? I came to believe that. And I want to point that out. Because it doesn't say came to believe in. It says came to believe that.
See, and I always thought sitting in rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous that that second step for me, how is that going to work? Because what is sanity? I'm being diagnosed with all these things. What are they talking about I got to be sane? And I didn't understand the full implications. And later Clint Hodges is actually the one that explained it to me. It's when this mind will convince this mind that it's okay to get loaded again after I've just got out of jail, just got out of a car accident, just got out of a rehab, whatever.
The moment for us is. And my mind convinces my mind to get loaded again. That's insane. Okay? And so the trick and the magic of this coming to believe that because I look at you and I can see that it's working for you. And if I can believe that it works for you, okay, it's a soft con. And that's really what it is. It's a soft con. Come in here. You don't got to believe in anything. You know, you don't got to change anything.
Oh, well, you got to change one thing. And then you ask what that one thing is. And they say everything, right? And it's these little things that are in your mind. And so you're listening to this stuff. And so what's pointed out to me came to believe that. Later the sanity will have returned by the time I get to that tenth step. So I don't pick up that drink. Making the decision to turn my will and my life, my thoughts and my actions over to this power, right?
Okay, which is God. But you don't have to worry about that right now. But I got to make this decision to do that. And then I do a fearless and thorough moral inventory of myself. Where I came from, men didn't share feelings and emotions, okay? We were never going to share stuff like that, okay? The stuff that was inside me was like gangrene. And I share this story. There's two parts to this story because this is the part of the insanity of the alcoholism.
Because Rich talked about the God and how we get confused about past upbringings and different orthodoxy and stuff like that. And I was born and raised Irish and Catholic and then became an Episcopal young churchman. And after a suicide attempt, I was approached at Medfield State Hospital by this woman who told me if I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior, behold, everything would be new. And, you know, we're actors.
We've heard that so far this weekend. We're real good actors. We can be more demanding, more gracious, whichever the case is. And I'm just like that. And so I figured, why not? And I accepted Christ as my personal savior. And I left the psych ward, being strapped to the bed, right into a program called Teen Challenge. And I quit swearing, smoking, watching TV, listening to rock and roll. I started going to Bible study seven hours a day, church, you know, seven days a week.
I started traveling New England, giving my testimony how Christ has saved my life, okay? I became a Bible thumper, born-again Christian, whichever you want to call it, and entered the ministry. And I would go into these rooms. I'm three months into this program, three months away from a drink. Stark, raving, sober, okay? Stark, raving, sober. And I didn't really understand that the stuff that was inside me was like gangrene, okay?
That's our fourth step and our fifth step. And that stuff, even though I had done the first three conclusions of the mind, made the decision, thoughts, actions, God, power, I was never going to tell anybody this stuff. And I'm at a revival, and people, I'm a quick study. They're talking in tongues and passing out. And I want to fit in so bad. I want to fit in so bad. It's like that square peg just trying to fit in.
And so they're talking in tongues and passing out. So I'm going to do that. So I get filled with the Spirit, and I fall out just like they are. And the only problem was I'm hurting my neck and my back, right? It hurt. Now, understand, this is a real spiritual experience for them, okay? This is real for them. For me, I'm acting, trying to fit in. And so I was like, I'm not going to do that anymore. This is crazy.
And so the next thing is I'm standing there, and I start speaking in tongues, right? And I'm making it up, okay? And Doug over here starts interpreting what the Spirit's telling him that I'm saying, so I know he's full of crap, right, because I'm full of crap. And in my mind now, this whole thing is full of crap. And so I wake up in the morning, and I had that moment of clarity that we heard about.
I think Mari talked about the moment of clarity. And the moment of clarity for me was, Scotty, you're still full of crap, okay? And I went to the director of the program. And the way the fourth and fifth step were designed is I liken it to a cup of coffee. I drink my coffee black. And if you took the cup of coffee and put it underneath the sink and dripped cool, clear water into it, I like to think of that as the message of Alcoholics Anonymous, good, clean, good job.
is the message of Alcoholics Anonymous. Good, clean, good stuff. And you drip it into that
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cup and at the end of this meeting go look in the cup. It's still going to be murky, dark and dirty on the inside. Fourth and fifth steps are designed to dump it. Boom. Now put it underneath and just maybe I can retain some of this stuff. See and what out of that stuff inside me is like gangrene and I'm trying to put this good stuff in and it's not taken. Not knowing the spiritual implications of that confession. See none of us as the program talks about like the confession of the shortcoming that this requires for a successful consummation.
See none of us like that, me included. But I realized I had to do this and I went to the director, I was in Brockton and I went to the director of the program. He told me I didn't have to, that I had been forgiven through the power of Christ Jesus. Didn't I believe that? Yes I did. We started going back and forth. The defiance came back, right? One of our chief character traits and I told him what he could do with this program and I left. And I went back into the same acquaintances, same friends, firm conviction, I'm not going to drink, I'm just going to smoke a little weed because that's not my problem. And you know what happened. You get that cotton mouth, the bear passes in front of you, the book says we can't bring to sufficient force the pain, the misery. A week or a month ago we succumbed, so many of us do one more time and I take that drink. And then the drink takes the drink. And then the drink takes me one more time. I had heard that saying back in 1972 that the man takes the first drink. And that's how the progression goes.
Fast forward November 14, 1979, to show the cunning, baffling and powerfulness of this illness, I found myself sitting on this bridge called the Bourne Bridge in Cape Cod, Massachusetts, 169 feet up. And I'm so very, very alone. What we read at the beginning, the keys of the kingdom, and Bob talked about this is a disease of loneliness deep down that nothing can touch. And that self-absorption, I've got me on me and I can't get me off of me.
And I'm sitting on this bridge and I was up there four and a half hours and all the resentments, Latin word base, re-centauri, re-feel, re-think, re-play, I'm doing all this in my mind, the woulda, coulda, shoulda, shoulda turned left when I turned right. You know, I would have been a great gangster, I would have been a great knight in King Arthur's court, right? I'm an alien, they dropped me off on the wrong plane. I'm up there four and a half hours.
State police had it blocked off, right? Corps of Engineers, Coast Guard had spotlights on me, the Bourne Scenic Park is a campground, these guys all know, Bourne Scenic Park is a campground. They all came out and set up lawn chairs and stuff. And they're yelling at me, jump, you mother, right? And I'm looking down and I'm going, man, these guys are crazy. Don't they know if I jump I'll die, right? And so I had that moment of clarity again and really I didn't want to die. I just didn't know. I'd been messing with this stuff in and out of these institutions, halfway houses, recovery homes, shaved heads, you name it, dunce caps, all these tough love stuff and nothing seemed to work. And I just knew I didn't want to die, there's got to be something. And I made the conscious decision to get down.
And this is where the cunning, baffling and powerfulness of alcoholism took over because I stood up to get down and I had another thought and I had an honest to God thought. And the thought that jumped into my head was, you know what, Scotty, if you get down you're going to look like a pussy to all these people that have waited all this time for you to jump. That's what my head said. And so I turned and I jumped. I don't remember hitting. They say I died. The only bone I broke was my sternum bone, my chest cavity. That was from them giving me pericardial thumps, bringing me back to life. So two quick things because there's two stories after that. About 20-something years ago I was giving a talk in Middleborough, Massachusetts and my mom was still alive, brother. And I told the story of that jumping of the bridge and the meeting got over. And this is the guy, not me, comes busting through the crowd. Oh, I owe you an amends, I owe you an amends. I go, I'm sorry, dude, I lived in California at the time. I go, sorry, dude, I don't know you. He goes, no, you wouldn't.
We were at the bar in Toby and came across the scanners that they had a jumper. So we rolled some weed, got some Jack Daniels. He goes, and that was me yelling at you to jump. He goes, and you did, right? And he had 10 years. And I'm like, yeah, see mom? I'm looking at my mom and brother, see, I told you. Because you usually don't get these stories corroborated like that. So I was out with Keith Carpenter, Keith and Sally, out at the ABC club 20 years ago, something like that. I told that story. That meeting got over and this guy really distinguished in a line comes through and he's got a suit and tie on and he goes, I always wondered what happened to you. And I looked at the guy, I said, I'm sorry, sir, I don't know you. He goes, no, you wouldn't know me. He goes, I was a captain of the state police barracks in Buzzards Bay that called out all the rescue vehicles. He goes, I was a practicing alcoholic at the time. I got 20 years sober now. So you had three people all at that same event, all sober members of Alcoholics Anonymous. And you hear people joke like, is that odd or is that God? But I'm not done because I'm no quitter, sorry.
I went to the Army. That didn't work out. California, boom, came out of a blackout, in the jail. I'm working my steps now. I'm going through this and I breeze right through
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everything. I did a thorough fourth and fifth step, as it was outlined in the book with what I had, in that those promises all came true. Because there's risk and reward we've heard this weekend. If I do this, I'll get that. And those promises, the fair financial economic and security would leave us a new freedom, a new happiness, all these things because we get us back. And it was said to me that the longest distance for an alcoholic is about 18 inches. It's from his head to his heart. And when we can incorporate that and I could take that big book and cut a suit out that was going to fit me because your suit might get me drunk. It's not my program or your program. It's the program. Try working the program. All these things were said to me and I literally blossomed. I became a gentleman, I went back to school, I got four years of college underneath me, inside the walls. I paroled. All the dreams came true on the outside. The commitments to sponsoring people, the home group, my home group was the Rafters in Newhall, California and jumped right into the H&I and bringing panels into prisons and sponsoring people and started businesses and attorney services and joined a rock and roll band, became a lead singer of a couple different bands and started living that money, property, prestige. Got married on the program. Started having kids, built a custom home in Cape Cod. My backyard was 300 acres of wildlife conservation area. I would fly between LA and Boston four or five times a month, get picked up by limousines.
I mean this program really worked. Come in for years for 15 cents an hour. I'm here to talk about Steps 6 and 7 and the reason why I'm giving you this prelude here is because we worked the steps in order. My sponsor had died at that time, Eddie Miracle, and I didn't get another sponsor because I know AA. I know Clancy, Norm Melp. I knew them all. Went to meetings with them all. All the icons that you hear about, Alcoholics Anonymous, PG and all that. I'm here to tell you, you can give the steps back in order too. Because having had that spiritual experience or awakening as the result of these steps, we try to carry this message. What is this message? It's a message of hope. It's the promise of the freedom of the bondage itself. It's all these things that we do and we become by practicing and applying these principles in all our affairs. All of a sudden, I'm not doing that. I'm carrying the message of me, me, me, me, me. Look at me. Look at where I came from. Look at where I am now. I joke sometimes, it's like me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. All right, Chris, let's talk about you. What do you think about me? That's how I'm sharing because it's all about me. My first five years of sobriety, I got on my knees every morning. I've heard that so far this weekend. I got on my knees every morning. I got on my knees every night.
I was a seeker. About five years sober, I decided, you know what? You can talk to God anywhere. You don't need to get on your knees. You can talk to him in the shower, drive, and you can, but it's that humility part. That's dealing with step six and seven, but the humility part's going now. I started getting on my knees and I literally stopped seeking. I gave that step away. Continue to take personal inventory when we're wrong promptly admitted.
Yeah, Rich, I owe you one of mine. Rich would say, oh, thanks, Scott, and he'd walk away and in my mind I'd say, I owe you one. I'm not going to give you one. Ooh, mental masturbation. That's what I'm doing in my brain. See, and now I'm starting to become as sick as my secrets and I'm using the big book as a weapon. Who are you to judge me, right? God's the arbiter of our sex conduct. You can't judge me. I'm doing things a married man shouldn't do, okay, killing my spirit. But see, I'm not going to get loaded. I'm not going to drink. I know I'm an alcoholic, okay. I back myself up, step six and seven. Now here's the connection. Here's the difference between the 12 and 12, the big book, the two short paragraphs, where it talks about the 12 steps or the set of principles spiritual in their nature, and I'm paraphrasing, that if I practice them as a way of life, it's going to expel the obsession in me and leave me to suffer usefully and happily whole. That's all I ever wanted from the time I was a kid in Quincy was to be usefully and happily whole. I just wanted to feel good. I wanted to feel good about me, feel good about you. I ended up looking for that through the alcohol and I found it through the 12 steps and now I'm not usefully and happily whole anymore and I'm starting to get really sick and I'm starting to compromise my principles and the moralities that this program gave me.
Okay, and it says that the sixth step, that this is the step that separates the men from the boys, the men being the perfect objective, which is of God and then my objective. And I'm back into my objective, totally back into my objective. Not understanding the ramifications and the lifetime
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journey that we get on when we do those two steps, okay. Not understanding that the setup and the con is basically for the rest of my life that I need to watch for these, okay. We had four absolutes back before the program was founded. Bill worded it different, you know, where the honesty, unselfishness, love, purity, all these things, just the opposites, where am I dishonest, self-right, these things that we're learning in the fourth and fifth, but then that sixth and seventh is just, and you can look at it in the book, it's just two short paragraphs and boom, my creator, I'm now willing that she should have all of me, good and bad, right. So take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness of those I would help with thy power, thy love, thy way of life, right.
And we say that and boom, we're done. No, no, because they come up in all sorts of ways that I didn't understand. I didn't understand, remember my sponsor died, I didn't have a sponsor. I didn't understand about the sexual instincts, the social instincts, the security instincts, there are three basic human instincts that we all have, they're all good, they're all God-given. I didn't really know that those three, you know, you hear romance and finance and the things that send people like me out and I'm really playing Russian roulette is what I'm doing. I'm playing Russian roulette and I got my rights back. Oh, I got my right. Why does she talk to me like this? Doesn't she know who I am?
I haven't drank in 12 years, okay. I'm a circuit speaker, okay. I'm traveling all over this country, okay. I'm in prisons, I'm doing this, I'm sponsoring, I'm a circuit speaker, right. I'm not going to get loaded until I got loaded, okay, until I turn my back on you. And it wasn't that I thought it would be different and this is not a relapse meeting. Please understand, I did not have to drink. You know, you talk about Clancy. Clancy didn't talk to me for probably almost 10 years after I drank. I'd be at a conference, he'd get up and walk out on me. He was that mad at me. I was a kid to him and I didn't have to drink, okay. I was to the point where I was either going to shoot myself in the head or I was going to drink and I chose to drink. And I threw everything away. And in short order, short order, I lost everything. I lost all my restaurants, my wife, my kids, restraining orders, bitter divorce, all of it down to 129 pounds, I think, 119 pounds, that's like 170 pounds less than I am, doing all those outside issues that really aren't outside issues, okay.
You know, looking out the window for the Bush people because they're there, right, you know, up four days, nine days, all these things. And I love it. And please understand, I do not, I know our traditions very well. Our primary purpose, our singleness of purpose, and I don't say this to disrespect AA or the program, but the people that say we don't talk or mention drugs, okay, I don't know if they actually know our program because our book talks about gin and sedatives, and that's drugs and alcohol, okay, with the magic elixirs that we did, whether it's through the psychiatric medications that I took or illegal drugs, and I'm trying to find it so I can drink.
The baseline is that allergy of the body coupled with the obsession of the mind, the physical allergy that differentiates me from other people. And when I drink, I'm a garbage pill and I do all this stuff. I am not a hyphenated alcoholic. I am not an alcoholic addict. I am not an alcoholic this, that, or the other thing, because how can you help me if I am? I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic of the hopeless variety that explains it in our big book, okay? But the drugs are a part of my story because through that delusion that I could wrest satisfaction out of life if I only manage well, led me through alcoholism to try these other things so I could try to function, and it didn't work. And on Christmas night, 1996, I took a 25 automatic and I shot myself in the head. Boom. I just wanted it to stop. And I came to on full life support systems at the Antelope Valley Medical Center, and I joke because this is where my story gets a little strange, right?
The state of California stepped in. They charged me with ex-felon with a gun. They had a three strike law at the time. I found myself in Chino State Prison, and they were striking me out, giving me 25 to life, and I had a thought, and my thought was, I want to be sober now. I'll work the steps now. I'll get a sponsor now. Okay, we get spiritual real quick, okay? When we go into those places, my case is no different. If you've ever read Daniel and the Lion's Den, Peter's sitting there, the light's coming and the chain falling off, that's basically my story.
On October 7th, 1996. Basically my story, on October 7th, 1997, Judge Chelsea McKay pulled me out of Chino State Prison, stood me in front of him, didn't understand how we could do this to ourselves,
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didn't understand how the alcoholic is the actor, and we can paint this pretty picture to our wives, husbands, bosses, whatever, that this time is different, please give me another chance. And we're such good con artists, they usually do, and then we get loaded, and we don't even know why. We don't even know why we do it. And so I ended up getting out, I jumped into AA like my life depended on it, I had a five year till, I got Ted Summers as my sponsor, I had known Ted forever, Clancy was Ted's sponsor, and he brought me through the steps, as they were outlined in the Big Book.
You know, we did the third step on our knees, and he knew, Eddie Maracle said to me back in the early 80s, he said, Scott, you know, he said, you can tell people from the, and I usually don't, but he said this from the, that I could do this from the podium, he said, you can tell people that, Scott, I really think that you're very, very sharp. He says, the problem though is you're double sharp. He said, and usually people that are double sharp end up cutting their own throats in here, and Alcoholics Anonymous.
And that's what I did. And when I got on my knees with Ted, and I went to get up, Ted put his hand on me, we were right by the Pacoima meeting when he lived there, and he put his hand on me, and he said, now tell them what you really mean. And he walked out of the room. You know, these prayers that we have are suggestions. Very good suggestions. And I followed them, but then he said, tell them what you really mean.
And I told God what I really meant. And then I went on to do that thorough fourth and fifth step. And when I got to the sixth step, where it talked, see, you hear things that like Bill Wilson like to use different words for the same thing, and he just did that for six and seven so he could split them, because Jesus had 12 disciples, and so Bill wanted 12 steps. I've heard all these things. One thing that was said to me too, is Ted said this to me, he says, Scott, he goes, you know, there's a carpenter, because they always, they don't say Jesus, right, but they say a carpenter.
He said, there was a carpenter a couple thousand years ago that had 12 disciples. And I go, yeah? He goes, we have 12 steps. And I go, yeah? He goes, well, one of those 12 disciples was a Judas. And I go, yeah? He goes, which one of these steps are going to be your Judas step, Scott? And I looked at him, and I said, what do you mean, Ted? He goes, it's going to be the one you don't think you have to work.
And it's like, whoa. And so we got to that sixth step, and he explained to me that with the English language, there's different meanings and different connotations for different things, and when they talk about character defects and shortcomings and the other, the character defects are the negative aspects of my inventory, the anger, the adultery, whatever the negative stuff is, and then the positive on the assets line of it, on the assets side, forgiveness, love, and everything, that's what I'm shorting.
And so when we're entirely ready to have God remove these things, and then we humbly ask him to remove the shortcomings, you need to take away the barriers that you're short in. You need to have more love. You need to have more forgiveness. You need to, and he explained these things to me, and it was just a little twist on those steps and what they meant to me, and that it was going to be a lifetime thing, you know?
And I'm not going to go through the other steps on how I worked them that time, okay? That's up to Rich and the followers, okay? I think you're doing step 10 and you're doing 8 and 9. But what I thought, and you've got to understand this too, what I really thought was a punishment, okay, Alcoholics Anonymous, I really thought that Alcoholics Anonymous was a punishment for my drinking. In reality, though, it became a reward for my bad behavior, because I was bad, you know?
I was bad, and I was sensitive, ultra-sensitive. I love it because the book does say the alcoholic is sensitive, and then it says it takes some of us a long time to overcome this serious handicap. My sensitivity is not an asset around here, because I get my feelings hurt, okay? And I don't like it when I get my feelings hurt. And so I mask things through that ego, okay? You know, that conscious separation from that Chuck would talk about.
And I still have to be very careful, 25 years sober, I still have to be very careful, because that dark side comes at us in all different areas. Now, I have this thing here that I got given 25 years ago, actually.
[00:35:02]
And this was given to me from Clancy through Ted Summers. And it says that it is said that the devil once held a sale of all the tools of his trade. Everything was displayed, his keen-edged daggers of jealousy, his sledgehammer of anger, his bow of greed, his arrows of vanity, and fear and envy and pride. And under each was its price. But in a place of honor, set apart from all the rest, was a small wedge, dented and marked with use.
The name of this wedge was discouragement, and the price set upon it was higher than all the others combined. Asked the reason for this amazing difference, the devil explained, it is because this is the one tool I can use when all the others fail. Let me get that little wedge into a man's consciousness, and it opens the way for everything else. That wedge has opened more doors to me than all my other weapons combined.
When that was given to me, that's exactly what happened to me. I get discouraged. Sexual, social, security instincts. I get discouraged. And what about me? You know, there was an old-timer named Franklin who used to talk about the greatest message carrier of all, and being in New England here, you've all heard of Paul Revere, and he would explain that Paul Revere was the best messenger carrier of all.
And you all know the story, one if by land, two if by sea, and Paul Revere went riding out into the countryside, the British are coming, the British are coming. At no time did he stop at a farmhouse and get off and say, how's your marriage, how's your banking, what can I, you know, he had a simple message, and they knew exactly what to do. We, in Alcoholics Anonymous, have a simple message, okay, that you too can become whatever you're capable of becoming, as long as you're honest and willing enough to try these things.
The key in the magic of steps six and seven is the humility. That sets us on the path, Dr. Bob talked about humility, and it sets us on the path to try to quell this up here, through action, through helping of others, okay. It was described as humbility to me, where we don't bow before any man, okay, except for God, and we don't step on him either. We don't step on him either, and I'll say this and I'll shut up, because I can literally talk for a long time here, but what happened to me, and what's happened to you, the transformation that happens, as Red becomes unique and priceless, these relationships that we build, I was not looking for this program, okay.
I would sit in here, like Bob said, and I would judge you. I got to take advice from you, are you serious? Smarter than, better than, other than, and by opening myself up to becoming teachable, you know, Bob and I talked, so my sponsor died too, and I want to say this too, because this is very important, Ted died a couple years ago, and I immediately got another sponsor, and I asked Bob to be my sponsor, and I do have a home group, it's the Outsiders Group in Herkimer, New York, okay, and Bob is my sponsor, and he knows my sponsor, okay, he knows he's my sponsor, and I call him every week, and I've never done, I never even did that with Ted, no matter where he is in the world, I'll call and text him or leave him a message and stuff that I'm doing okay, you know, and I still deal with things, okay, I still deal with things, and I have to ask, like, you know, do you want to hear some of the stupid little shit, right, and he's like, well, and he goes back to that 11 step, and when we're at night, you know, if you need to, you know, oh, and a man, you need to talk some, then yeah, I do, but if it's something, you know, stupid, no, and I got a lot of stupid stuff, because my mind convinces my mind, right, and I like using the four absolutes to my problems, you know, is what I'm about to do honest, is it unselfish, is it loving, is it pure of thought, right, and if I can answer those to my satisfaction, then I don't need to worry about other things, you know, and the way my mind works, I was just going somewhere, and I don't know where it went, okay, other than the fact that this is the real deal here, okay, and one of the things that really helped me when it talks about
[00:40:00]
that selfishness and self-centeredness, and what I want in life, and what I'm trying to accomplish here in Alcoholics Anonymous, it was from a poem called The Man in the Glass, okay, and it just meant so much to me when it says that when you get what you want in your struggle for self, and the world makes you king for a day, just go to a mirror and look at yourself, and see what that man has to say, for it isn't your father or mother or wife whose judgment upon you must pass, the fellow whose verdict that counts most in your life is the one staring back from the glass, he's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest, for he's with you clear up to the end, and you've passed your most dangerous difficult test, if the man in the glass is your friend, you know, some people may call you a straight shooting shaman, call you a wonderful guy, but the man in the glass says you're only a bum if you can't look him straight in the eye, you know, you may fool the whole world on the pathway of life, and get pats on your back as you pass, but your final reward will be heartaches and tears if you've cheated the man in the glass, I tell you that because I cheated myself for a long time both in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't like my booze watered down, I don't like the steps, the tradition, this program watered down, this is the real deal here, and if you're an alcoholic I'd like to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous, thank you.