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Source: Scott L – Step Study (2003) – CD 3 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: scott-l-step-study-2003-cd-3-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:03:43
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of the resentment inventory the the thing about checking it off when you mean it is that's how you know when your resentments gone and you can pray all kinds of good stuff for somebody and that you mean it the resentments gone so that's the litmus test on it that's how you tell I would like to observe that in my experience the two most difficult things in recovery to do are think about doing a fourth step and think about doing a ninth step actually doing those steps is nowhere near as difficult as thinking about doing them and I think that's really important we left off on page 68 in the fear inventory where it had called for a written list of fears and the observation that self-reliance had failed us that's why we had them for had we been God reliant we would have none of them and it says perhaps there is a better way you know what my mistake I'd like to to open with a few moments of silence and let's acknowledge the presence amen amazing how fun I do that very same thing in my life that's something I'm working on as hard as I know how if somebody has something that'll help me with that I really want to hear it anyway it says perhaps there is a better way we think so for we are now on a different basis the basis of trusting and relying upon God it's kind of an interesting concept page Roman numeral 16 which by the way if you if you didn't read the Roman numerals you're missing some really good stuff Roman numeral 16 is referencing Bill Wilson and the Oxford groups as he was about to break away from them and yet carrying some of their concepts with them and it says though he could not accept all the tenets of the Oxford groups he was convinced of the need for moral inventory confession of personality defects restitution to those harmed helpfulness to others and the necessity of belief in and dependence upon God and that really struck me the idea that belief in God and dependence upon God are separate concepts I think many of us get here believing there's a God and not having a higher power and I think we see that over and over again and so the idea of believing that there's a God and depending on the God are different things and what I'm here to learn to do is to depend upon that's what it says the basis of trusting and relying upon God we trust infinite God rather than our finite selves we are in the world to play the role he assigns ah step one section B I'm not in management I'm in the world to play the role he assigns and someone told me a story that I like real well that I think applies to that and it's the story that God created a particular kind of animal and he gave that animal a hunger and a taste only for the leaves that grow at the top of a particular kind of tree and he also gave the giraffe a long neck so he could get to him and I am like the giraffe that I have a hunger and a taste for my mission the fact that I've done a bunch of other stuff doesn't matter as I get cleaned up I will hunger and thirst for my mission and that's been my experience and I've seen it over and over again that the concept my wife my wife puts it in a nutshell she says God's will is a good deal that was big news because I lived in fear of God's will for a long time it says just to the extent that we do as we think he would have us and humbly rely on him does he enable us to match calamity with serenity that looks to me like permission to make a mistake this is just to the extent that we do as we think he would have us I don't always know I do not always know but as I said before if I'm doing what I think he wants me to do I make a better quality of mistake and that's what we call progress and I believe it's okay not to know I really think it is I'm convinced that there are lessons that I need to learn that cannot be learned without a mistake and that I do not have the power to make a mistake that God can't turn into something magnificent I just don't have that power doesn't say fixed you notice I didn't say fix I can't make a mistake that's so bad that he can't turn it into something magnificent and a friend of mine says God forgives me for everything I ever did and he loved me while I was doing it that was huge for me and so it says just to the extent that we do as we think he would have us and humbly rely on him does he enable us to match calamity with serenity serenity is peace my sponsor told me serenity is not freedom from the storm serenity is peace in the midst of the storm the storm is going to come at least that's what page 14 says here you want to hear promises let me read you a promise page 14 last line for if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and
[00:05:01]
self-sacrifice for others he could not survive that's a death threat could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead we promise you trials and low spots guarantee it's one of the promises right there and that if I don't perfect which means to make better and enlarge which means to make bigger my spiritual life and that tells me specifically how through work and self-sacrifice for others I won't survive that's that get out of self thing again pretty clear okay and says we never apologize to anyone for depending on our Creator there's the never word there's something we don't do we can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness paradoxically it is the way of strength the verdict of the ages is that faith means courage all men of faith have courage they trust their God that concept just keeps running through here but it's all over this particular page we never apologize for God that must be important they've told us twice in one paragraph instead we let him demonstrate through us what he can do and then here's a prayer all right we made a list of our fears we wrote it and then we've made these observations we just been talking about here's the prayer we ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be I'd like to observe what it does not say it does not say what he would have us do but what he would have us be so I'm asking God remove my fear and so what would he have me be I think that's a pretty good question I found what looks to me like the answer on page 133 in the text we are sure God wants us to be happy joyous and free how about happy joyous free and terrified all of my fears are in the future there are no exceptions to that there's a wonderful speaker out of Houston named Doug who says resentment is when I didn't get my will in the past anger is when I'm not getting my will right now and fear is the concern that I won't get my will in the future what's the problem here continues to come back to my will I have a lady friend in Nashville sober a long time who was held at pistol point in a gun and a bank robbery now she's standing there to cash a check and all of a sudden there's an arm around her throat and a pistol literally in her ear and she talked about it later and she said all of her fears were in the future all of them that moment by moment if she'd been able to stay in the moment she didn't say she had moment by moment she was really okay she was physically a little bit uncomfortable and she was not free to do the things that she wanted to do but she was really okay moment by moment her fear was that he would shoot her or that he would abduct her but moment by moment she was okay powerful all of my fears are in the future one day at a time is part of the answer to every question any man I sponsors ever brought me it's always I say give me that problem again only I want to hear the today word a couple of times in it right let's let's get back this one day at a time thing is quite a concept one day at a time I originally thought that meant don't drink today if you're new it certainly does mean that but but it goes beyond that it's been my experience that having used the first 10 steps to clean up my past there's nothing gaining on me I don't have to look over my shoulder I'm not afraid of anything steps 11 and 12 continue to help me develop this relationship with a loving God who holds my future he knows what's best for me and I don't I want what he wants me to have and I don't know what it is but I know how to get it and that's by trying to act like his child today so loving God holds this wonderful future past is clean those two facts free me to live one day at a time in this day if I don't have both of those in place I can't be here that's in part what the step work is about and fear is very simply living in the in an uncertain future my God is the God of right now I can go into the future if I want to but I have to go alone I have a friend who says he spends too much time in his head trying to clear the way of the wreckage of his future right drink to that mm-hmm I did so my fears are always in the future it's about being back into the now I have another friend that says 90% of what he worries about never comes to pass which clearly indicates that worry works 90% of the time I don't think so either okay we ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be happy joyous and free I think and then here's a promise at once we commence to outgrow fear if I can outgrow fear it seems to me that fear must be a lack of growth spiritual growths my guess okay that's the end of the fear inventory
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says now about sex many of us tell you what I've noticed at conferences you get a thousand people on Saturday night and 209 on Sunday morning for the quote spiritual speaker I can tell these conferences how to triple the size of the Sunday morning crowd right you have you have the speaker at 10 o'clock Sunday morning you have the sex and sobriety workshop at 830 they'll be there right mm-hmm anyway it says now about sex many of us needed an overhauling there but above all that must be important above all we tried to be sensible on this question it's easy to get way off track here we find human opinions running to extremes absurd extremes perhaps one set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature a base necessity of procreation then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex who bewail the institution of marriage who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes they think we do not have enough of it or it isn't the right kind they see its significance everywhere one school would allow a man no flavor for his fair and the other would have us all in a straight pepper diet for those of you are not familiar with the word fair it means what you eat a menu way back when was frequently called a bill of fare someone who said to be faring well is eating food that they like eating good food so that's what they're referring to here it says we want to stay out of this controversy we do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct let me tell you something if they don't I don't and I learned this recently from one of my mentors and I have incorporated it and this is simply what I do I don't even recommend it but sounds like it works to you might try it when I get a new man to sponsor who is single I tell him I'm going to ask you to leave the ladies alone for a while you are an exceptionally sick individual and your chances of attracting a healthy female do not exist right not possible and what I'd like to do is I want you to leave the women alone until I get you at least through step 9 because what that's going to do is it's going to make you healthy I want you to hopefully one of these days have that kind of relationship but if you can't attract a healthy one it's only going to bring you trouble the other reason I want you to leave them alone as I want your time and energy for the step work now you may choose to ignore my suggestion that's okay with me I do not wish to be the arbiter of your sex conduct however if you do choose to go ahead and get involved with a sick woman don't bring me the problems that you've created for yourself I have already told you what I think you should do in this category takes me right out of the problem they don't bring it to me I already told you I don't want to hear it I think that's pretty freeing for the sponsor and for someone who's willing to be sponsored that way I think it works so anyway that's that's the approach that I like to use on it and it says we all have sex problems we'd hardly be human if we didn't and here's the question this is why we're doing this this is not about beating me up why are we doing this it says what can we do about them that's what we're here to establish it says we reviewed our own conduct over years past that's a general description they're going to tell us very specifically how to review it it says where had we been selfish dishonest or inconsiderate whom had we hurt did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy suspicion or bitterness where were we at fault what should we have done instead we got this all down on paper and looked at it now I would like to observe that they're not telling us how to get that down on paper one of my mentors likes to do it one situation at a time and apply all of that paragraph to each situation and write it out in sentence form and that's the way he takes people through it I like to set it up as a column inventory because I think it lays out very easily that way and we're used to doing columns I think there are a lot of right ways to do this what I like to do is to ask them on the left hand come to write down whom had we hurt could we start out with who the person was then it's easy to say we have selfish dishonest or inconsiderate that might make a pretty good column and then did you unjustifiably arouse jealousy suspicion or bitterness those were my favorite tools that might make a pretty good column and then where were we at fault what should we have done instead that makes a pretty good column and I'm going to tell you what my column what that column on mine says because it was very simple it says I should have told her the truth it says I should have left her alone it says I should have told him no mine was pretty simple now yours may not be but but what's our purpose here the next sentence says in this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life now the ideal doesn't mean the individual you're looking for it means your character what are
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That's the piece that we're trying to establish here. And what I like to do at this point, having done that part, is to ask them to sit down and prayerfully write down what their ideal is. What do you think God would have you do in this category? And I like to tell them, I don't want you to chase all the what-ifs. We don't need to know, Mr. Single Guy, what it would be if you were married, but temporarily separated, but not legally separated, but you thought she had a boyfriend, but you weren't sure.
We don't need that one. We don't need that one. Let's apply the word today to this little baby and come up with two or three sentences. Mine's fairly simple. For those of you who come, you will hear my wife do the Al-Anon talk tomorrow. She is spectacular. She gets all of my sexual energy. I've got a one-sentence one. It's pretty simple. And I'm not even recommending that, but I like to ask the men that I sponsor to write it down.
What is your sexual ideal? What do you think God would have you do in this category, given your current set of circumstances? That's all. I don't even ask to see it. But I think if you're going to try to live up to it, you ought to know what it is. And rather than have it rattling around inside your head with all that other stuff that's going on in there, I'd rather have it down on paper. I think it would be a little bit easier for you to use.
And then here's a test. It says we subjected each relation to this test. Was it selfish or not? Oh, back to the selfishness being my big problem. Remember, we talked about that a lot. And then here's a prayer. We ask God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. So I'm going to ask God to mold my ideals, write down what they are, and ask God to help me live up to them. Remembering always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good.
What? God invented sex? I think that's what it says. And is therefore good. Okay. So I had to scratch an old idea on that one. I had sex down as dirty. It's not. Neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised and loathed. Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends where we've done harm. Gee, that sounds like Step 8 again, doesn't it?
This thing is kind of fluid. Provided we don't bring still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. Okay, so what do I do with any other problem? I sit down in inventory. What is the problem here? Alright, who's at fault? Where am I at fault? What would he have me do instead? Take it to God in prayer. Pretty clear. It lays out what to do with the problem. In meditation, we ask God, gee whiz, that looks like another prayer.
What we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come, uh oh, if we want it. That can be a problem. Okay, God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desired, but we let God be the final judge. I don't want to be the final judge of anybody's sex conduct. I do not. Suppose we fall short of our chosen ideal and stumble. Does this mean we're going to get drunk?
Some people tell us it's only a half truth. It depends on us and our motives. This is where I said it does talk about motives. If we are sorry for what we've done and have the honest desire to let God bring us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and we'll have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. There's a promise.
Quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience. And then it says to sum up about sex, we earnestly pray. There's the third prayer in this portion, or fourth, I lost count. There are a number of prayers in the fourth step, and they're powerful. For the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, and for sanity, for the strength to do the right thing. Then here's a concept that you can follow through the book in an awful lot of places.
It says if sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge when to yield would mean heartache. Same concepts on page 84 in the tenth step. A little bit past the middle of the page. It says continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them.
We discuss them with someone immediately, make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. It's over and over again. In Bill's story on page 14 and 15, two different examples. He could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die. And then here's from Bill's story.
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My wife and I abandoned ourselves with enthusiasm to the idea of helping other alcoholics to a solution of their problems. It was fortunate for my old business associates remained skeptical for a year and a half, during which I found little work. I was not too well at the time and was plagued by waves of self-pity and resentment. Sound like depression to anybody? It does to me. This sometimes nearly drove me back to drink, but I soon found that when all other measures failed, work with another alcoholic would save the day.
Many times I have gone to my old hospital in despair. On talking to a man there, I would be amazingly lifted up and sat on my feet. It is a design for living that works in rough going. Constantly, it says to go and try to give this to somebody else when you're in trouble. And I've seen it work over and over again. Okay, back on page 70 at the end of the sexual misconduct inventory. It says, and then it says, this is what we pilots refer to as a checklist.
It says if we have been thorough about our personal inventory, we have written down a lot. Okay, if we followed the directions we've discovered this morning and this afternoon, we would have written quite a bit. We'll have a list of resentments and what they did and what it affected. We'll have a list of fears and we'll have some things written down about our sexual misconduct. We'll also have in the resentment inventory a list of character defects or a fourth column of our mistakes or something in that category.
Quite a bit of writing. So it says here, if we have been thorough about our personal inventory, we have written down a lot. We have listed and analyzed our resentments. Okay, yeah, we did that. I remember the analysis part too. We have begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality. There's the death threat. I recognize those. We have commenced to see their terrible destructiveness. Yeah, we did that.
We have begun to learn tolerance, patience, and goodwill toward all men, even our enemies, for we look on them as sick people. I remember that piece. That was an important one. We have listed the people we have hurt by our conduct. We did that in the resentment inventory and the sexual misconduct inventory. And we are willing to straighten out the past if we can. It says in this book you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves.
We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from him. If you have already made a decision, that would be a third-step decision, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, we just got through covering that, you have made a good beginning. This being so, you have swallowed and digested, that means completed, right? And digested some big chunks of truth about yourself.
That is a description of a fourth step. It is a very, very simple process. Very easy. Kind of long. Questions? Anybody got anything they want to? I don't do questions and answers. I can give you questions and dumb looks. I can promise you that. No? Okay. Hi. Are you using more columns in the sex inventory or just one item? Did I go too fast there? Who had we hurt? The question is about the sexual misconduct inventory.
What I like to do is to have a column of whom had we hurt, a column of selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate, a column of jealousy, suspicion, and bitterness, and then the last column is where was I at fault and what should I have done instead. And it lays out pretty well. And I think my own belief is that once again this should be short because we have established here that what we are trying to do is to shape a sane and sound ideal for my future sex life.
So I don't need to write all these details and all this gory stuff. It's just getting it down on paper so I can get a look at what I have done in the past and establish what I don't need to be doing in the future is kind of a beginning. Thank you. Thank you. Hi. You mentioned you did a number of four steps. When you do subsequent four steps, where do you start? The question was when I do ensuing four steps, I don't start with four steps.
I start with step one. I'm currently taking five or six of them. I sponsor kind of a lot of guys, but most of them are sober over ten years. And when I take them back through the work, I have them start reading on Roman numeral 11. And when they get to page 60, we sit down face to face and I ask them the ABCs. And then I take them through this work a piece at a time just like I'm doing it here. And that's the way I do it with myself.
So you write down all the things you have written down previously? No. On the ensuing, that's a great question, on the ensuing four steps, I don't ask the men to write down everything they've ever been angry with, but everything that you're currently unhappy about and all the big ones from the past, like the last ten that you had such trouble getting rid of, let's put them down because we want to dust them off and make sure that those are still clean.
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It's amazing how some of them will reemerge, most especially in the category of political parties or individuals and also former spouses and employers. Those have a tendency to come back, and so I like to get those back down again. That's a great question. Thank you. And that's just what I do. Hi. Hi. I kind of have a question on something you talked about this morning, and it was about us being such great actors and it brought me to that term that we always say act as if.
Yeah. We were great actors. That's true. When newcomers are here and you tell them, well, just act as if, is that something that? She's asking the question about this phrase, act as if, and weren't we actors long enough, and I think the one that bothers me is fake it until you make it. I just want to throw up when I hear that. My God, I'm sick of faking it. But I think this particular act as if is a pretty positive one because what I say is, okay, let's sit down here and write down what you'd like to believe about God, that God is loving, forgiving, gentle, cares, wants the best for me, is available to me at all times, can sweep up any mistakes that I make, and just has a great sense of humor.
You've got all that wonderful stuff. Now, you may or may not believe that, but if you did believe that, if you did believe that, how do you think you would conduct yourself? I want you to conduct yourself like you believe that, and let's see what happens. I call it a working hypothesis. It's a scientific term. It means we have reason to believe this may be true, so let's apply it in all instances and see what happens.
And I hear your questions, and interesting one. I've never thought about it before. But the act that I was doing before was to try to fake people out and was to try to support my sickness. And this one is to try to take me to a better place. I don't know if I answered that very well. And I forgot to make the announcement, by the way, about please get out your cell phones and pagers. If you have one on you, come on.
I want to see it. Get them out, please. Let's see them all. Set them on stun. Okay, set it on stun, please. Thank you. Hi. My name is Mike. Hi, Mike. I have a question. I get the impression that perhaps while you're doing this fourth step, either yourself or doing it with somebody else, that you're discussing these things as you go along. And I'm wondering, is that the impression you're trying to give?
In other words, you don't wait for your fifth step to talk about it? We're discussing it. The question is, do I discuss these things as we go along with somebody that I'm sponsoring? No, I don't. If they want to bring them up, I'm glad to. And quite frankly, it's pretty frequent that when we start doing the prayer work and the resentment inventory, they'll get that list down to a handful, four, five, or six that just won't move, that just won't move.
I have my own definition of acceptance. And this might be worth something. Acceptance is when I quit fighting on a heart level, on a gut level, something I have no power over. Acceptance does not include approval. I don't have to approve of something to accept it. I only get a certain amount of spiritual energy on any given day. And if I'm squandering it, worrying about and wrestling things I have no power over, I won't have enough left to handle my own assignment that I have for this day.
So what typically happens is that they'll get the list down to five or six that just won't move. And this has just been my experience. I'm just going to share it under the for whatever it's worth category. I find it helpful when they get down to that number to sit down with them and say, Okay, fella A, it's your dad. Sit down and tell me what he did that hurt you. Just tell me what he did. And I'm going to tell you the truth while you do that.
And they say, well, he did this, he did that. And say, I'm sorry that happened to you. I don't think you deserve that. I don't think any little boy ever deserved that. It wasn't right. Don't defend him. Just tell me. And I just tell them what I think. I'm very sad that that happened to you. It's really sad. But there's something inside him that he thinks he's got to approve of what this person did.
And I don't approve. I do not approve. And it's important, I think, that he knows that. I don't know what happens here. And I do that with each individual. And they've got to get down to five or six before I try this thing. And this is just something I've found. The first time I've ever allowed myself to be tape-saying this because it's not in the book. And I'm pretty hardcore on the book. But I've also seen it help people.
And then I give him some off-the-wall assignment when he gets through it. I say, Okay, I don't want you praying for these people. I don't want you thinking about them. I want you to read Dr. Bob's story. And I want you to look up four words on every page. And I want you to read four pages a day Dr. Bob's story. I want you to look up at least four words on every page. And write the definitions in the margins.
And call me each night and let's talk about the words you looked up and what it said. I'm just giving him something off-the-wall to change the subject. something off the wall to change the subject, get them through Dr. Bob's door and say okay let's go back and pray for these people, and it's gone, and I can't explain it any better
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than that, I've just seen it work, but there's something inside that's still screaming, yes but I was a defenseless little boy and they did that to me, and that part is still hurt, and there's something about me saying it wasn't right that just seems to help, I can't do that with 160 of them, but I can sure do it with the last four or five, and I've seen it work. Has anybody else got anything that really touched me? I've talked about this before but I'm pretty serious about this book. Hi, yes ma'am really, thank you, yes sir, hi. Hello Scott, my name's John and I'm an alcoholic. Hi John. Per chance, if a person did not have a sponsor that he was comfortable doing this four step with, would there be any possibility that he could do this on a self-evaluation basis, based on following your tape, for example? The question is could somebody do this four step out of the book?
On their own, and have it work? Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely, but I don't really consider this much of, I mean I know we call it inventory, but to me it's taking out the garbage, and I don't see it so much as self-evaluation as, and not to argue with your words, but my perspective is this is taking out the garbage, and it's been my experience that people who do this work get the garbage taken out, but it isn't the writing, it was the observations and prayers, and I think we established that pretty firmly today. The piece that has absolutely got to have, I mean my sponsor does not allow me to sponsor men that don't live in Metro Nashville, he makes one single exception, I'll tell somebody later if they really care why, but he does allow me to coach people through the four step. Now, no I can't, okay, but he does occasionally let me take somebody from out of town through the four step, and I have no idea what's on their four step. I just do what I'm doing here today, a little bite at a time, they do the work. It doesn't have much to do with who's doing the coaching, the question is did it come out of this book that changes them. We get to step five, which I'm coming to now, that's the piece that requires somebody else, and that's the piece I'd like to give. Did that answer? Okay, okay, if it's okay with everybody we'll move on and see if there's anything else in this book that's worth reading. I'm going to get one of these, these are really good, I'll borrow this one. Okay, this is on page 72. This is perhaps difficult, we're referencing the fifth step here, especially discussing our defects with another person. We think we have done well enough in admitting these things to ourselves.
There is doubt about that. In actual practice we usually find a solitary self-appraisal insufficient. Many of us thought it necessary to go much further. We will be more reconciled to discussing ourselves with another person when we see good reasons why we should. The best reason first, if we skip this vital, that's from the word vita, Latin again, meaning life, means you only have to do this if you want to live, everyone else is dismissed.
If we skip this vital step we may not overcome drinking. That's kind of important, kind of important. I guarantee you I did not want to do that. I'll tell you a piece out of my story that I'm going to tell Sunday morning. I had asked a fellow named Bernie who was a counselor at my treatment center if he would hear my fifth step. He was not my counselor but the reason I chose him is because you'd look at him and tell he was stoned out of his mind. Well, I mean there's plenty of stoned counselors, we all know that. You know what it looks like, his face is real relaxed and he's got this dumb grin and when he moves real slowly, I thought okay, I know I'm going to have to do this fifth step and I'm going to ask if he'll hear it because this junkie, I mean I'm going to tell him the whole deal and I mean a week later will he know what I said? He won't know if we did it. So this guy is a great choice, right? So I completed this psychobabble fourth step they gave me at the treatment center. I do not have enough time today to give you my opinion on that fourth step except I don't even need to get started. What a piece of garbage that was.
I mean do you still hate your mother filling the blanks multiple choice? I mean do you look in the toilet before you flush? I mean it was all this psychobabble that may have some therapeutic value but can you compare that to what we just went through here? This is life changing and that's just one more load of fresh compost is what that was. But anyway I filled in all the blanks and I called down to the treatment center to Bernie and he said yeah sure I'll hear your fifth step. Come on down. We booked an appointment. I drove us about four hours and I dumped my bucket. I told Bernie the whole thing and that's where I began to get relief because that's what the steps bring you if you're new. They look like they're designed to punish you. You're wrong about that. You are wrong
[00:35:00]
about that. You're wrong about a lot of things. I was. And that's where I began to get relief was when I did the fifth step and if I'd done the real fourth step I'd have started getting relief there. But I didn't. I did this psychobabble thingy. And just for your information Bernie was not stoned. Bernie was sober over 20 years. That was serenity. I didn't know what it looked like. Newcomer thinking huh? There's nothing quite like it. I've got a friend that's sober and he says the reason God blesses AA is because he gets so many belly laughs out of our newcomers prayers. And I think that might be right. But it was important that I do this thing.
That I do it. And I told you before what my experience has been is that having done that the first time it was then possible the second time when somebody needed to hear what I'd done because I got free. I got absolutely free. And I referenced it a few minutes ago when I talked about the last column in the sexual misconduct inventory when I said I should have told him no. Most men who get here, well I had a gifted therapist tell me that she thought that about 70% of adult males had had a homosexual experience. I've heard over 100 fifth steps and I'm going to guess it's above 90. So fellas if that's the one you're hiding we already know. I had some of those myself. And if anybody needs to hear about it, if you'll see me individually, I'm okay talking about it. And I'm not embarrassed sitting here. Because that's not who I am, that's who I'm not. I've learned a lot and I'm at peace about that. I really am quite at peace about it. Part of what happens in the fifth step is I offer this garbage to God, he cleans it. And I carry it now. And if somebody needs to hear it, I just let him get it out and use it. And that's part of what keeps it clean. This is important work. Because that's what I'm here to do. Is to fit myself, page 77, fit myself to be of maximum service to God and the people about me. And part of that is that some of this ugly history I have. Let's take a look at page 124. This is a brand new page by the way. I told you they change the book occasionally.
This is a new page. I just added this one. Yeah. Page 124. Henry Ford once made a wise remark to the effect that experience is the thing of supreme value in life. That is true only if one is willing to turn the past to good account. We grow by our willingness, there's the willingness word again, to face and rectify errors and convert them into assets. The alcoholic's past thus becomes the principal asset of the family and frequently it's almost the only one. This painful past may be of infinite value. Infinite. Boy, that's a lot.
Infinite value to other families still struggling with their problem. We think each family which has been relieved owes something to those who have not. And when the occasion requires each member of it should be only too willing to bring former mistakes no matter how grievous out of their hiding places. Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem worthwhile to us now. Cling to the thought that in God's hands the dark past is the greatest possession you have. The key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them. That's been my experience. I have had the experience of God taking the very, very worst things I've ever done and using them as tools to help other people. That is a powerful God, folks. That is a powerful God. And that's part of what keeps it clean for me. And we're going to talk about that and some of that in a few minutes. That's in part what step five is about, is that cleansing that makes me a better tool. Because that's what I'm here to be. That's what I'm hoping to be. That's why I'm sitting here today. I'm hoping to be a tool in the Master's hand.
There's nothing like it. There's nothing like it. I've had an amazing life. I've seen some astonishing things. I've never had anything that touches knowing that I've been a tool in the Master's hand. I've never had anything that touches the experience. I've seen the light come on in somebody else's eyes because of something I had done in the past that was so ugly that I never wanted to share it. And they got free. There's nothing like it.
There's absolutely nothing like it. And the beginning of that is sharing it the first time. That's the beginning of that. The beginning of the cleansing process. It's the opening up to receive the forgiveness. I talked about when I forgive somebody else, it's not something I've done. It's something I've received. Well, I need to be forgiven myself and it's not something I do. It's something I receive. And part of that is in step five. That's where I begin to receive the forgiveness on that. Page 74 in the text suggests, you've got to
[00:40:01]
remember when this book was written, there weren't a whole lot of people sober laying around. And they're recommending a number of people who might be good to hear your fifth step. And I'm perfectly okay with the men that I sponsor. If they want to do their fifth step with a priest or somebody like that, that's great. When they finish with him, they can come do it with me. That's just how I am. And I realize that there are no rules in Alcoholics Anonymous. And here's one of them on page 74 where it says, the rule is we must be hard on ourselves but always consider of others. That means I don't do my fifth step with my wife or my father. That's what that means. That's what they're talking about.
Top of page 75 it says, when we decide who is to hear our story, that's interesting. So what I'm going to do is tell my story. It doesn't say I'm going to read them my fourth step. It says who's going to hear my story? We waste no time. We have a written inventory and we are prepared for a long talk. It doesn't say a long read. Now if you read your fourth step to your sponsor and that's what he wants to do, I'm good with it. I am good with it.
I don't let him read inventory to me. And I'm going to talk about that. We explain to our partner what we are about to do and why we have to do it. He should realize that we are engaged upon a life and death errand. Oh, another death threat. My wife says this disease is so powerful it kills people who don't even have it. Think about that. That's right. Drunk drivers. Whatever. You betcha. Okay. The book looks to me like a one sentence direction on how to do a fifth step. It says we pocket our pride and go to it. Illuminating, which means to shine light into. Illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. This is the place where I cover all the rotten things I ever did. I do not find in my literature any place that tells me how to hear a fifth step. So what I'm going to share with you is my lineage, is my experience. And in my lineage, we do not hear fifth steps.
We exchange them. Now I don't do my whole fifth step with a guy. And when I sit down with him, I like to open with a prayer. And what I ask him to do is to pray for clarity and courage and anything else he thinks he needs to do. And I tell him what I'm going to do is I'm going to ask God to make me perfect for this time that we're together. To make me an open channel. And I promise God that I'll trust what I get. Because I don't know.
I just don't know. And I promise him that I'll trust what I get. That if it seems like something I'm supposed to say or do, I will. And I have the permission to tell you I experienced of wrapping a guy in a blanket and holding him for 45 minutes while he cried for the first time in his adult life. Now I don't know how to do that. But I know someone that does. And if I ask God for what he wants me to have, I get a lot of help. It's about me asking the right question. So I ask God to make me perfect for this fifth step. And to help me stay present. And I have to do that several times during this fifth step. Normally, because my mind has a tendency to wander off. And I have to pray that I might continue to be present for this guy. And they take varying forms. They'll ask, all right, now what should I do? When we're both finished our prayer, what should I do? I say, well, we're going to talk about all the worst things you've ever done. We can use any one of several formats.
You can begin reading your fourth step. I'll let you read it some. But I want you to talk to me. I don't want you to read to me. If you want this to take not much time at all, you can start by giving me the worst things in your inventory. It's been my experience that people that open with the two or three worst things they got, this fifth step don't take too long. Because if they're still trying to decide whether or not they're really going to tell you that one, boy, some of these other stories get long. I see a lot of sponsors nodding here. OK, you know what I'm talking about. I recommend the dump the bucket first one. But whatever he needs to do, I'm OK with. And as he talks, when he talks about something in his fifth step that's ugly that he did, that I did, I interrupt him and tell him my story. I try to let him go first. I don't always do that. Again, I trust what I get.
Sometimes I go first on one of these things to give him a feel that it's OK. And when he and I both think we're finished, I ask a series of questions. And the questions are, have you ever physically harmed anyone that we haven't talked about? And this, I'm not talking about a black guy on the school ground. Have you ever killed anyone? Have you had sex with a family member or an animal? Have you paid for an abortion? Have you
[00:45:05]
I'm not trying to extract it from him. I'm not going to let him sit in the car thinking, well, you know, it just didn't come up. I'm going to pick that scab. That's my job. And I also tell him that he may, over the course of the next few days, think of several more things that's not at all uncommon. Do not feel that you've done a poor job. Give me a phone call. We'll handle it on the phone. Or if you feel like we need to be face to face, I'll make myself available. That's just not a problem.
And then I tell him that I forgive him because I do. Because I'm going to tell you something right now. I'm in no position to throw the first stone. I'm not. I don't think you are either. I think I'm a member of a fellowship where nobody is interested in throwing the first stone. That's one of the things I love about us. And I tell him it's my sincere and deep belief that God forgives him. And that he has now completed the first half of the fifth step.
And what I then do is I read him the fifth step promises. It says, once having taken this step withholding nothing, I think that's kind of an important piece, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience.
This is where that begins. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the broad highway walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe. What a set of promises. I read those to him. And then I say, here's the second half of the fifth step. It says returning home. OK, now we know where you're going. Returning home, we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour.
That's pretty specific. You need to get home, tell the wife and kids you've got to be left alone for an hour. Carefully reviewing what we have done. So what we're going to do is a review of the first five steps. And they're going to tell us how. We begin with a prayer. We thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know him better. For having dumped this bucket and realized that I did not run screaming has helped him.
Because he knew I was going to. And he's closer to God from having dumped that bucket. Because we did that in God's presence. Taking this book down from our shelf. OK, son, you're going to have to go home and put your book up on a shelf. I think that's pretty clear. I think that's pretty clear. I will expect to be told tomorrow that you took your book down from a shelf. We are not here to judge these directions.
We're here to follow them. Do I think this will be as good if you don't do that? No, I do not. OK. We turn to the page which contains the 12 steps. Carefully reading the first five proposals, we ask. This is a prayer. We ask if we have omitted anything. So we're going to ask God one at a time through the first five steps. You got an hour to do it? Sit quietly. Talk to him about it. Have we omitted anything?
For we are building an arch. Now this is the reference back to the third step arch, the keystone. This is the new and triumphant. That means you're going to win here. Through which we shall walk a free man at last. Free man at last. I heard a magnificent definition of freedom. I was sober five years in a place called the Nava Club in Atlanta. This guy said freedom is when I accept full responsibility for all of my own actions.
At that point I am free. I am free to do anything that I'm prepared to live with the results of. The rules apply to me. At that point I am free. Now up until then I may have been at large, which as some of us know can be temporary. Free is permanent. I am today free to do absolutely anything that I'm prepared to live with the results of. We shall walk a free man at last. Is our work solid so far? Are the stones properly in place?
Have we skimped on the cement in the foundation? Have we tried to make mortar without sand? We're asking the question a lot of ways. Have you been thorough with the first five steps? That's the question. It's done immediately after the spoken half, the first half of the fifth step. So the second half is to go home, quiet for an hour, take your book off of the shelf, pray and review with God the first five steps.
And then those last five or six questions were all saying the same thing, have you been thorough. It says at the top of page 76, if we can answer to our satisfaction, that is that we have been thorough, we then look at step six. Oh, we don't take a few weeks off? Looks like step six the same day as step five.
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We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Can he take them all, every one? If we cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing. There's a six-step prayer. That was it. Ask God to help us be willing. The sixth step is a very simple question. Am I willing for God to take it all?
My sponsor told me that step six and seven don't say a thing about me removing my own defects of character. And when I'm working on my defects of character, I am living in the problem. Classic example of living in the problem. He said all my defects of character are self-centered by definition. The self does not have the power to push self out of the center. And if it did, it would leave a vacuum. And so the answer to my character defects is not for me to work on them.
The answer for me is to try to live a God-centered life. Because when I live a God-centered life, my character defects just recede. I don't take power over them. But the darkness cannot exist in the light. So my job is not to focus on the darkness but to invite the light in. I have three things that I call my spiritual barometers. And they are lying. Well, actually improvements upon the truth. I'm sure you knew that.
Lying, swearing, and my attitude toward those of you who possibly got your driver's licenses out of Cracker Jack's boxes. Right. Okay. If one of those things gets out of whack, if I'll take a look, they're all out. Right. And I used to beat myself up over those things until I discovered that they are what I call my spiritual barometers. So I watch for those things. And if I hear me swear or if I hear me tell them the little white lies to improve on the truth, or if I'm angry with you in traffic and I wave at you but I don't wave my whole hand.
They do that here too, don't they? Yes. Then I don't stop me from swearing. I mean duct tape maybe would be the only answer for that. What I do is I review my spiritual program over the last few days. Am I praying? Am I meditating? How long has it been since I took a meeting into the jail? How long has it been since I talked to Ice Cream Steve? Am I reading the spiritual stuff? Did I read two pages a day this morning in the big book?
Am I doing the things that I know to do? Because if I hear me swearing at you in traffic, there's something wrong with my spiritual program. So I review that over the last few days. And sure enough, I'm not spending time in meditation every morning. That's the one I seem to let go of the easiest. Or I'm not taking meetings into the jail. There's something wrong with my spiritual program. So I don't focus on not being mad at you in traffic.
I go back and repair my spiritual fences and I shine the light in. I invite God into the center of my life by doing the things that you taught me. And I swear to you, two days later, you can cut me off in traffic and almost hit me. And I will smile at you from the depths of my soul and wave at you just like this, the entire hand, and say, God, go with that when he's going to need some help today. I make mistakes like that myself.
You're forgiven. No problem. And I can't change me from the screaming, swearing maniac to the guy who says, God, go with that when he's going to need some help today. I don't have any power over my character defects. I have power over what's in the center of my life. And when I lead the spiritual life, those things just don't happen to me. I just share that for whatever it's worth category. Those are gifts from my third sponsor.
Change my life with that. And so it says, can he take them all, every one? If we still cling to something, we will not let go. We ask God to help us be willing. So there's the sixth step, prayer. And then it says, when ready, that means when I'm ready for God to have it all. Now, this is not the perfection step. This is not where I'm promising to be a perfect guy for the rest of my life. And they'll maybe start a new religion around me or something.
This is not it. This is, am I ready right now for him to have it all? With God's help, will none of that be repeated? That's a simple question. And the answer is yes, I'm ready now. Then we say something like this. Would you all like to do the seven step prayer with me? I'm going to need a minute. Seven step prayer. My creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defective character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows.
Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen. What a powerful prayer. They rewrote this one the other day too.
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You should have all of me, good and bad. And I'm asking only to remove those defects that stand in the way of my usefulness to him and my fellows. And I was given a gift the other day. And the gift was one of my character defects flared. And it's one of the things that keeps my pride in check. I am privileged to do this kind of thing and speak at conferences a lot. And it can feed a part of me that needs to be starved.
And it's hard to stand there and shake 300 hands and people say, you know, you changed my life and thank you and what a blessing you are and rah, rah, rah. It's not necessarily good for me. And I start believing it. And I forget, the speaker last night said it so beautifully, it's not that I'm good, it's that God's good. But it's easy to miss that piece. And what I found happening not too long ago was God using one of my character defects that has flared to remind me, to bring me back to what I needed was the humility to remember that God does this through me.
I'm not the living water, I'm the pipe. Right? I'm the pipe. And I get confused about that. And I received a gift on that. Anybody have anything they want to talk about on this? So it looks like five, six, and seven are done the same day. So when the guy finishes his four step, he doesn't know he's 24 hours from step eight. Okay? And we don't tell them either. Okay? We like to spoon feed that little piece of information.
Okay? All right, we'll move on a little bit here. It says, now we need more action without which we find that faith without works is dead. Okay, it's a death threat. Great. Let's look at steps eight and nine. And the book kind of interweaves eight and nine in the reading. And I think there are a lot of really right ways to do this. And all of them include a sponsor. If there is a place where we need sponsorship, this is it.
And I believe God blesses sponsorship. I believe when a sponsor and someone being sponsored sit down in God's presence and ask for some help to figure out what should be done here, they will get answers. And sometimes it's been my experience that the answer is to go to the sponsor's sponsor. And sometimes it goes beyond that. But there are answers. There are answers because there are people who have done this work, whatever it is.
It says we have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. Okay, so if you burned your four-step, you're going to have to be really careful with those ashes because you're going to need some of that information. Because the people that you had resentments against, many of whom you harmed, you'll discover that. And also in the sexual misconduct inventory, you injured a number of people.
And sometimes there will be others also. And I encourage people to prayerfully sit down and look at that. And it says now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. On Roman numerals 16, it said made restitution to those harmed, which is considerably different from an apology. Restitution is quite different from an apology, it seems to me. It says we attempt to sweep away the debris which is accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and to run the show ourselves.
Pretty powerful. And then here's the first of several nine-step prayers, or eight, however you want to call it. We haven't the will to do this. We ask until it comes. And I want to talk a little bit about motivation. I'm going to share a little bit of my belief with you. I believe that on the day that I die, my spirit will stand naked before my creator. And we will review this movie I call life one frame at a time.
I believe that. And there are some pretty ugly frames in there. And there's some places where I've harmed some people. And if page 68 in the text is correct, and I believe it is, where it says when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. If that's true for me, it's true for them. And if I've done something that's harmed someone that left them with a resentment against me, and that resentment blocked them from God, I have a problem.
I have an eternal problem. I have a soul sickness problem. And the problem is I've done something to let somebody else block from God. And what I am going to need on that day, when we look at the frames where I've harmed people, is to be able to point at another frame and say, here I tried. Point at Another Frame and Say, Here I Tried to Repair That Damage. This is where, with your help and my sponsor's direction, I attempted to repair that. I need that. This is for me.
[01:00:02]
I hope it helps them. I really do. I've got to have it. I've got to have it. The wager is beyond death for me. I'm going to read a few more of the Nine Step Prayers and then we're going to take another break here. On page 79, reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask, that's a prayer, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be. Isn't that interesting? Now we already have the rule that we've got to be hard on ourselves and easy on them, which means that I don't allow the men that I sponsor to go to a spouse and talk about having had an affair if she doesn't already know about it. The book is abundantly clear about that. Abundantly clear. We don't do that. But I need the strength to go do the right thing, especially in the ones that I'm afraid of. It says we may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing, we have to be, we must not shrink in anything. So for those of you who think your own name needs to be on the Nine Step list, the book doesn't appear to think that. It doesn't look that way to me. I mean, I made amends to myself all day every day. I don't know what you did, but that's what I did. Page 82 has yet another prayer. This is a reference about one of the, the alcoholic Hamming had an affair and the spouse knows about it. And top of page 82, we're saying you should not talk details even if she does know. You must attempt to make the amends if she knows, but you can't go to detail. And it says, perhaps there are some cases where the utmost frankness is demanded. No outsider can appraise such an intimate situation.
It may be that both will decide that the way of good sense and loving kindness is to let bygones be bygones. Here's a prayer. Each might pray about it, having the other one's happiness uppermost in mind. Wow. How about that? A prayer where I have somebody else's happiness uppermost in mind. I sponsor a fellow who brought me a magnificent concept a few years ago. His, his grandfather had died and he, at the funeral, he said to his grandmother, I think you were a wonderful wife for him. And she said, I should have been. I prayed to be every day. I said, whoa. And I took that in and I changed it a little bit. And I began the next morning in my morning prayers. I don't think I've missed any day since then.
It's been a number of years. And I asked God each morning to help me treasure Miss Linda this day. That's an interesting to use the word treasure as a verb, you know, to treasure. And I asked him that. Within two weeks, I'm walking through the den one day and she's talking on the phone to somebody and she says, you know, Scott really treasures me. Wow. So that's part of my morning prayer. I asked God to help me treasure her this day. Pretty neat. Facing page 83. So we clean house with the family, asking each morning in meditation that our creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindness and love. Powerful stuff.
We're going to take a break right now. I've got ten minutes until two. Ten minute break wasn't long enough last time. What do you want? Fifteen? Fifteen minutes. We'll start at ten after. Okay?