Audio
About this recording
- Topic
- Step Four Resentments 20th Spring Conference
- Speaker
- Ralph W
- Date
- 2010-05-06
Transcript
Source: Ralph W – Step Four Resentments 20th Spring Conference – 2010-05-06.mp3 File: ralph-w-step-four-resentments-20th-spring-conference-2010-05-06.mp3 Duration: 01:04:02
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Thank you, sir. I'm looking forward to this. My name is Ralph White and I'm an alcoholic. Not sure whether to thank Andrew. Hell of an introduction. Almost as crazy as you are. Okay, I'm Ralph White. I am an alcoholic and I am grateful to be here this morning. You know, I'm gonna talk about the fourth step in our program of recovery. You know, and I am… Let me put some stuff out before I even get started.
You know, it's humbling for me because Lee didn't do me any favors. You know, we started with Dave and then we started with… then we did Polly, then we did Father Tom yesterday, my first time hearing him, and I'm still… You know, I was writing some stuff down and I'm glad he's… Well, he's back near where I am too, but I'm gonna be using some of his stuff. You know, he blew me away. And then last night, one of my heroes.
And now you get me. Now you get me. You know, but I like talking about what we're gonna talk about this morning, and I love what Sandy was sharing about last night, you know, because if you're in here right now and we're getting ready to talk about inventory, specifically resentment inventory, you know, and I'm not a guy that comes up here… I'm not standing in front of you this morning because I'm a virtuous guy.
I'm not standing in front of you this morning because I'm a good guy necessarily. I'm standing in front of you because of the reason Sandy said last night, and, you know, desperation. You know, and it started with desperation, and now I love my life, and I love the life I've been given. And what it is I've discovered that we do, even though we got handouts to make it look like we got a homework assignment, the program… The process of recovery, what it really is, you know, I like to talk about it because it's got flesh on it. You know, it's about living, breathing people, you know, and this deal that we do, you know, people talk about working the program, the steps, and, you know, what is that with a face on it?
You know, and this process, if we have some new friends in here, you know, and I know we have a lot of people who've been doing this for a long time, but what this deal is that we do and what we embark on is, you know, it's just really an integrated series of actions, spiritual actions, that if I incorporate them as a lifestyle, I'll get something. I had a spiritual experience or a spiritual awakening, and I can take that awakened spirit and I can put it into my daily living, and I can live.
I can live. You know, and it's hard for me to talk about the four step. I'm so glad Sandy did one, two, and three, and he did such a good job of it because I can get started right there in step four, you know, and I'm a guy that came to step four, you know, coming straight off of in the third step, you know, and the fourth step, the reason why I have a handout and we have some things out here that we're going to talk about is the first time that there are some things I can really wrap my arms around, and there are some mechanical aspects to it. So we'll talk about that.
We'll talk about the way to do a fourth step, you know, and not the way to do a fourth step. That's not what we're going to talk about. What we're going to specifically talk about is the way Ralph does a fourth step because I'm the one that's presenting this morning. That's the only reason why. It's not the fourth step. It's not the definitive method to do a fourth step. You know, it's not AA's recommended.
You know, it's straight out of the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous, and it's the way that I've been doing fourth steps, you know, since I've been here. My sobriety date is October 11th, 1986. I have two home groups in Los Angeles, California, 9604 South Figueroa and the Back to Basics group, and I go to both of those home groups, and I've been doing that for a minute, and I've had the opportunity to have my feet put on a path to really go somewhere. And what we'll talk about this morning is one of the first parts of that. Now, when Sandy finished up, you know, the third step has one thing, you know, something to do also, you know, because most of the other steps, you know, even though I incorporate them as a lifestyle, you know, later on Polly will talk about six and seven, and it's okay, I'm getting rid of these, but it's not something I can see it when it's going on and the rest of, you know.
And I do ten, I do eleven, and I can't see. I know I'm praying and meditating, but I can't see results necessarily. Fourth step is something you can actually see visually. You can see it. You can participate in it. It's finite, you know. It's an activity that I can do.
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So we'll talk about, and why a fourth step?
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Why do one? Coming out the end of the third step, you know, and when Sandy was finishing his presentation, there's a period that I can put on that third step. God, offer myself to you to build with me and to do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love, and Thy way of life.
May I do Thy will always. And we долго before we took that step, and we took the step with somebody, and I take it with a group of people every year, and we hold hands and we get on our knees, and I've been doing the workshop, and it started with eight people around my mother's dining room table, and now we have about 250 people, and we meet every Sunday morning. And when we get to the third step, we get in a circle and we get on our knees and we say that prayer together, and it's a powerful experience.
A lot of people, that's the let go and let God step, and a lot of people say, Well, Ralph, I gave it up and I keep taking it back. I gave it up and I keep taking it back. This step can have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in me that block me from the sunlight of the spirit. That's it. That's what we're embarking on. Now, what this deal is, Sandy talked last night about what this, you know, step one is a conclusion I draw based on my experience.
I don't come in here and decide I'm powerless over alcohol. Alcohol decided that for me, thank you very much, you know. I came up in here and I took a look at my experience, and step two is also a conclusion I draw, and step two is the solution, you know. Sandy, this, you know, I'd love to hear that man talk, and before we go further. If you want to know why a Fourth Step, if you want to know why it is that we do what it is that we do, if you want to know why it is and, okay, what am I going to get from that?
You saw it last night. I'll get to that, hopefully by the time I finish this, you'll get to that. You know, when that man was standing up here last night, I was thinking about it. I'm going to put that on the board. Bring me back to that before I finish. Sandy as evidence. So now, I do this Third Step. Now that Second Step, out of desperation and what do I have to lose? I need a power bigger than me. Like Sandy said, I already had a power bigger than me in alcohol. I need a power bigger than it.
So I go to that. Then I make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of that power. Then I have to do some stuff. Because even though that power is inside me, that power is blocked. As a baby and as a child, in my workplace, and I work with somebody, a sponsee of mine, we work together, work out of the house now, and her daughter's there and has a grandbaby. And I look at him, I look in the mirror every day and he's about, I don't think he's three months yet. And I'll look and I'll play with him and every now and then, probably with some of my grandkids, every now and then you'll see that smile come. You know how when a baby smiles and they smile all over their face?
And they might cry when they're agitated. They may cry when they're hungry. They might cry when they need to be changed. You know when something's wrong. But they never give a frown, a disapproval, anything like that. They just have that smile. And that reminds me of the deep down in every man, woman, and child is the fundamental. I think that's the closest we get. That's the closest we get. It's the pure.
It's that, it comes out. I said, What has he got to be? He doesn't even know. And I see that smile, and I see the face of God. And I think I spend the rest of my life walking away from him. I spend most of the rest of my life walking, piling stuff on top of the power. And we talk about it might be obscured by calamity. Stuff happens to me. Stuff goes on in my life. I look around the world around me and I start seeing, Oh man, it can't be no God in this. Or I start worshiping other things: girls and, you know, cars and money and prestige and stuff.
And I start stuffing stuff on top. And pretty soon, you know, when you run your life the way that I run my life and you're the kind of guy that I am, you know, there ain't no, you know, I've been busy being him all this time, and so you can't find him, you know. So let's embark on the journey of finding. You know, and God don't make too hard of terms with those who seek Him. The most freeing sentence in the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, for me: God don't make too hard of terms with those who seek Him.
The power will improve your understanding of the power. Don't worry about it. Just get on the journey. So I get on the journey, and this inventory process, you know, a fact-finding and a fact-facing is what Bill calls it. Fact-finding, fact-facing experience. He compares it to a commercial venture. I got a Best Buy, you know, and I've owned it for a long time. Got a lot of stuff in there, but I'm not making no money, and I don't
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know why. I don't take inventory. I'm lazy, you know. I just have a store, you know. I just have a store with a bunch of stuff. Looks good to me, so I keep it, you know, and it's mine. It's mine. And a lot of it is new, ain't never been used before, cause there ain't nobody buying it, you know. And, you know, they got a new generation iPod. They got the iPad coming out. They got MP3s and the rest of this.
My store don't have that, cause my store don't have room for it. Cause my store is still full of Betamaxes and, you know. I ain't inventoried. I don't know that that stuff ain't selling and never sold, you know. It's mine. It's new. It's in mint condition. Yeah, that's like my thinking, but it's mine. Yeah, but Ralph, ain't nobody buying it, you know. That's, you know, talks about the effort. It's an effort, you know, and to take stock.
And he says, I cannot lie to myself about values. You know, one function is to look at goods that are damaged or unsaleable. Now some stuff is not damaged, but it's unsaleable, you know. And so, Ralph, how does that apply to my life? Well, you know, what's my inventory? My thinking. That's my stock in trade, my thinking and my actions, you know. And yes, some of that stuff might look good, but it's mine.
It's my thinking, you know. Yeah, you know, tantrums and pouting might look good on a three-year-old, but ain't nobody buying it on a 56-year-old, you know. And I'm still operating from the same place. So, you know, I take a look at that. And I take a look in, and the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about, you know, being convinced that self manifested in various ways is what had defeated us. Am I defeated? Am I defeated?
Have I waved the white flag? Have I done that absolute surrender? As Sandy talked about, if your life run on your will, it's successful, don't worry about doing inventory. Just audit the course, and the rest of us will talk about inventory right now, you know. But if your life run on your will is successful, don't worry about inventory. You know, I sponsor people. A lot of people sponsor and be sweating people and jamming people and telling them, You need to do this right.
I don't even ever go into that. You know, like somebody said, Father Tom said, I'm like Dr. Phil. How's that working for you? You know, how's it working for you? But if your life is a train wreck waiting to happen like mine, then I better get busy. And if you want something new and if you want something different, and if you want something better with your life, because now that I'm through with drinking, now we deal with what really is the real problem when you're free of alcohol, and that's the bondage of self.
Sandy talked about freedom, and it's not so much freedom to, not so much freedom to do this or freedom to do that or freedom to be over here, freedom from. Freedom from the bondage of self, from my own thinking. I don't know about you, but I am the kind of guy, I don't live in my life, I live in my head. I don't live in my life, I live in my head. Because most of the time in my life, everything is all right.
I'm usually full. I usually can get from point A to point B. I have always had a roof over my head from the day that I got sober. I've never slept under the stars. Don't call myself camping out anymore. You know, I've never done that, you know. Usually got everything I need. But if she ain't acting right or they aren't doing this or if money ain't, I can't, ooh, I can't function. Freedom from the bondage of self.
So if you really want a taste of that kind of freedom, you know, the book talks about being convinced that self manifested in various ways was what had defeated us. And then Bill lists the common manifestations of self, manifestations, the way Ralph shows up in his interactions with other people. There are three common areas that if you look at those three areas, if Ralph examines those three areas, he'll find that treasure at the end of the map Sandy was referring to, you know.
And if you look at it like that, you know, it's a treasure hunt. This idea of inventory. See, writing inventory is not an effort to write down everything I already know about myself. The effort of inventory is to write down and discover what it is I don't know about myself, my belief systems, what it is that motivates and what it is that drives Ralph, you know. And the way that I inventory that is through my interactions with other people.
Through my interactions with other people, I'll see myself. And ultimately, I'll find this power that's buried deep down inside of me. The goal and the intent of inventory. Inside of me. The goal in the intent of inventory and the goal and intent of
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most of the rest of our steps, the 10th Step, program of action from 3 through 12, the goal of all those steps is to reduce the ego. Well, the ego has a job. The ego wants to live. Ego wants to live. So when I embark on this inventory process, is there anybody in here who's never done an inventory? Don't be ashamed. Raise your hand. Okay. Anybody in here who hasn't done one? So, you know, sometimes it seems fearful to look.
That's why it talks about a fearless and thorough moral inventory. Fearless. Sometimes it might be fearful to look. And what will happen to me, I'll get ambushed along the way in taking this look. I got two twins that are at work all the time, and they support that ego. You know, and the first twin is that twin of fear. You can't take a look, Ralph. You can't look at that. You can't go back and look at all. Ooh, don't upset the apple cart.
You can't look. And then fear's twin brother, pride, steps in and says, Plus, you don't have to. You've been sober four years. Why? Ooh, everything's going okay. You know, why have to? You know, the fact that you are in collision with everybody you know, oh, that's just a part of doing business. You know, that's how you always… That's just me. Famous anthem. That's just me. That's just who I am. Well, if who I am wasn't who I was, I might not be sitting in here right now.
You know, I might not be in the positions and the conditions that I keep finding myself in over and over and over again. So remember, that's what's going to ambush me when I embark on this journey of discovery. The twins, fear and pride. Know that's who's talking when they start talking, because my ego is going to fight for its right to live. And my ego has one job and one job only. And my ego's job is to separate me from you and me from God.
Tell me I'm different. I'm less than. I'm better than. I'm special. I'm unique. My case is different. You don't understand. Job of my ego. Purpose of this process that we embark on: reduce it, grow God. Reduce Ralph, grow God. Sets off some stuff. First area that we look at is resentments. Talk about three specific areas of self that we're going to look at. I'm going to deal with one of them. Bob will deal with the other two: fear and sex. You know, so there are three areas that are particularly troublesome for Ralph.
Big areas in my life. And I'm going to deal with one: resentments. Bill calls it the number one offender. Has the power to kill more alcoholics than anything else. You mean even more power than alcohol does to kill? Well, resentment, believe it or not, is the number one reason that many of us go back to alcohol, going to the meetings, come up in here. Those same three guys Sandy was talking about last night, smirking in the corner.
They're smirking in the corner. And they're talking about me, and I know it because I glance over too many times, and yes, you know, and Bob is in that number, and he's supposed to be my boy. What's he doing over there? You know, and, uh, so Bob's over there, and he got a couple of his crew with him, one somebody that I don't particularly care for, and they're talking about me. I know it. I know they are. That's all the evidence I need.
I know it, you know, so. So they're talking about me, you know, so I go out and I stew on this for a minute. Now, resentment and anger are two different things. What's resentment? Somebody help me. What's resentment? Refeeling. Oh, refeeling anger, because I, you know, I've had sex one or two times in my life. I might refeel that. I don't get mad. It's a refeeling. So there's another component to the refeeling.
It's not just refeeling. It's another component to it. Refeeling an ill, an injury, a hurt, refeeling a bad feeling. So it's refeeling. And just like instant replay in a football game, when you see it the second or third time, it feels even, you feel the impact even, oh, and you see it from another angle. And when you're driving home from the meeting, you see it from another angle. And then it looked like the guy Bob was talking to looked over at me and kind of smirked at me, and, you know.
And so now Bob, his crew, and the rest of the meeting. And all them people up in Alcoholics Anonymous, they full of it anyway. I need another home group. So now, because I get mad at a couple of the patients, I lead emergency ward. I'm a trauma patient. The problem is when I'm in the emergency ward 30 or 60 days, I forget that I'm dressed in
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one of them smocks with your behind out. I think I'm dressed like a doctor, you know how we do it. Everybody else in here can see I'm out here like this, but I think I got a stethoscope on. No, you got a newcomer back, you know, so. I need a trauma center. Leave my health, you know. And the thing about a resentment, imagined or real, it has the same impact. And so that trivial example has just as much impact as the example of the lady sitting in here right now whose stepdaddy was molesting her when she was eight years old.
Same impact. Resentments, you know, resentments. They have the power to kill more alcoholics than anything else. So what do we do with them? We set them on paper, you know. We set them on paper. We ask ourselves, why do we have a resentment? So when we do the resentment inventory, and I, you know, ooh, we got to get busy, you know, so we're going to go through this, you know. I'm going to go through the mechanics of doing resentment inventory because I could talk about it all day, you know. I really, it's the first step.
You know, we have a 12-step program. A lot of people say, Well, Ralph, how come when I get through doing resentment inventory, I still have a resentment? Because this is a 12-step program, not a four-step program. Seeing the resentment is just seeing it, you know. Polly will talk a little bit later about sharing about the resentment and then some steps to follow after and some things to do with what I find out in the resentment inventory. But the first part is seeing.
First part is seeing the truth about the stock in trade, my stock in trade, my thinking, my actions, you know. So the first thing I do is I set them on paper, and then it lists people, institutions, and principles with whom I was angry. And I have some things that I use for myself that are pretty much, they're helpful tools for me. And if I've never done an inventory before, I do some large categories in my life. I go back through and I start with family, friends, classmates.
If I've been in the military, military. If I've been involved in a church, people at church, you know. Employment, you know, employers and coworkers, you know. Broad categories of people in my life, you know, friends, fellowship, you know. I go through broad categories of people in my life. I take a look at them. Well, Ralph, how do you know when to stop? You stop when you're through. How you know when you're through?
You know when you're through when you're through. Do the activity, God will do the rest, you know. Pray for the willingness. And don't measure my inventory against somebody else's. Somebody will be talking to you, I have 300 names on my… Oh man, I didn't do mine right. Don't worry about that. Don't start comparing, you know. Don't start comparing. Don't start editing. Don't start censoring at the beginning.
I don't feel mad at them now. If the name comes up, put them on the list. Don't do the censorship. Don't, Oh, I won't be able to share about this with my sponsor. Don't think about the fifth step when you're in the fourth step. Be in the fourth step. Write the name down. Write the name down. Get them on the list, you know. First column: people, institutions, principles. Order institutions: the institution of marriage.
Had a resentment at IRS. I don't even have to tell you why, you know. That was an institution. The military can be an institution. Criminal justice system can be an institution. You know, the police department can be an institution. You know, so those, you know, like I said, the institution of marriage. Principles, you know, honesty is the best policy. Some people don't like that. The girls can't do what the boys can do.
That principle, you know, some principles that people have. But for most people, the first time in your first inventory you're doing, don't so much worry about that. Just get the big ones down. Get them down. Got plenty of people, you know. And I have a lot of people that say, Oh, I don't have any resentments. Where you've been buried for the last 40 years, you know. First column, so a list of people.
Second column: cause. Call that the finger pointing column. That's a pretty easy column because that's the column I've lived most of my life. That's the one I already know. That's what you did to me. That's the finger pointing column, the cause. And in the finger pointing column, brief, succinct, no long explanations. You can do that when you're doing your fifth step, you know. He told me he was gonna give me the money on Friday, and then when I saw him at the meeting, he tried to duck and avoid me and then owes me money. Owes me money.
Usually if I can get, if I can't get it down, most of the time I can get them to five words max, you know. If you have to put a but or an and in there, if you got to put a conjunction, but, and, or, it's probably another resentment.
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He owes me money and he slept with my girl. Two resentments. Brief, succinct, to the point. Don't be redundant in the cause. He lied to me and didn't tell me the truth. Owes me money and didn't pay me. That's just a helpful hint to you. You know, you're doing this. Don't do extra. Don't do make work, you know. Just brief, succinct, to the point. You know, don't editorialize and don't censor, you know, second column.
Each resentment is its own resentment, you know. It's not just one running resentment for my mom, you know, one running resentment for— no. Number them, and I number mine. And I'm talking again, when I say do this, I'm not saying it as if I'm giving instructions for how you're supposed to do it. I'm just talking about how it is that I do the inventory. And so I'm talking about this process. You know, I number mine because when I go to the succeeding columns, I can just write a number and know that it refers to that cause. Because for the third column and the fourth column, I write on each cause.
I don't write in the third column, in the fourth column, and summarize all the causes. I write on each cause individually in the third column. What's the third column? What part of me was affected? What part of me was hurt, threatened, or interfered with? And these parts of self that are hurt, threatened, or interfered with comes straight from the Big Book, not the definitions for the third column or Ralph's definitions.
They aren't necessarily Webster's definitions. They're working definitions that I use when I do inventory. What part of me was hurt, threatened, or interfered with? And there are seven areas of self I look at. I don't have to guess. I don't have to pull stuff out of the air. I look at these seven areas of self. Was it my self-esteem, how I think I feel about myself? Was it my pride, how I think other people look at me?
You know, was it my personal relationships, any relationship where sex is not involved? Was it sexual relationships, any relationship where sex was involved, real, imaginary, or potential? Was it my security, what I think I need to be okay? Was it my ambition, what I want to be okay? And was it my pocketbook, my money or my property? Pretty self-explanatory. And I look at those seven areas of self and look at where they were hurt, threatened, or interfered with in that second column, what it was that you did to me.
How was I hurt, threatened, or interfered with? And finally, I go to the fourth column, my part, you know. And in that one I look at where was I selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, or afraid? Selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, or afraid. And then I put them on paper pretty much like this sample format that I have. And the first one, resentment that I want to look at and talk about is a resentment that I had with my dadness, an actual resentment.
I'm resentful of my dad, and that's the first column. Second column, I listed three causes. The first one was he left us. He left us. Third column. What did that affect in me? And I only wrote in this third column, for the purposes of this example, I only wrote on that one cause: he left us. It affected my self-esteem. And I do what I call an extended third column. I don't just write the word. I don't just write the word. I write why.
Write an example. I want to see what it is about me. You know, when you talk about a treasure map, and then when you talk about examining a treasure, and when you talk about getting to the truth about the stock in trade, I can think of no more exciting an adventure than my favorite subject: me. Me. Isn't it interesting to explore what it is about me that continues to cause my failure? Isn't it exciting to discover what it is about me that can propel me into what Sandy talked about last night, that fourth dimension of existence?
Isn't that exciting to think about? I can be moved from a place where I've never been before. How many people continue to have problems with other people in your life? You continue to have problems with people on the job. You continue to have the same relationships with different faces. How you continue to be unable to be happy or to be able to be useful. Continue to be, you know, some people, anybody in here just get up in the— some days just don't even want to get up, want to lay in the bed and just pull the covers over your head. Some days just driving in the car and just bust out crying, thinking, Why is it always me?
Why is everything always on me? Why is everything always on me? Continue to continue. How many people cannot go to family gatherings because that uncle, that
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cousin, that stepdaddy is there? Who want to be free of that? Who want to be free? Who want to be free to discover everything that this program has to offer? See, because there's some people in here, most of us have resentments that, you know, most of us have resentments that it's very easy to see my part in them. I set the ball in motion. I did. I know what it was that I did when I put it on paper.
When I put it on paper. And I put it on paper, the instructions in the Big Book say we have a written inventory, and we set them on paper. And there's an activity. Some people say, Well, Ralph, when I set it on paper, you know… Let me finish this, and then I'm gonna go back to that, because I'll go all over the map. Somebody said, Hey, dude, wait a minute. You have me in this third column. Don't leave me hanging.
Somebody holler that out, because I'll leave you hanging. Because I was getting ready to go somewhere, and I really want to go there right now. We're gonna come back. Okay, self-esteem. You know, my self-esteem was, you know, how was my self-esteem affected because my dad left? If I was important, you wouldn't leave me. How I think I look at myself. My pride. How I think he looked at me. I must not have meant much to him. And how I thought other people looked at me. It was an embarrassing and shameful thing.
You know, now, I come from South Central Los Angeles. I grew up in Watts, and more kids than not didn't have a father at the house. But I had the capacity to think what I'm going through is I'm the only one. And it was an embarrassing and humbling and shameful thing to show up at father-son banquets with my big brother or with my uncle. And I thought everybody would look down on me for that, you know, pride, ambition.
I wanted a whole family. I wanted a family like the Huxtables, or when I was growing up, it wasn't the Huxtables, it was the Beave, you know. I didn't want one that was just like that. That was a little too square, but I did want one. I did want one where daddy came home and I could be proud of him. My security. I needed to feel protected. I needed to feel safe. I needed to feel the love of a father.
I needed to be guided and directed. My security, you know. My personal relationships. The relationship with him was hurt, threatened, and interfered with. It was hurt. It wasn't threatened. It was hurt and it was interfered with. My other personal relationships were also interfered with and they were also threatened because I try to hide that fact. Try to hide that fact from people. Wouldn't participate in certain activities that called for a dad to be there.
My sexual relations. My dad left us. He left us when I was seven or eight years old. What does that have to do with your sexual relations, Ralph? Well, ripple effect. Ripple effect. I had no clue as the role of a father, a husband, or a man in a relationship or in life, so I faked, and I always felt like if you really knew me, you'd see me as him. You'd see me as weak, ineffectual, ineffective, and you wouldn't want to be with me.
So if I could buy you, that's okay, but you're not gonna like me on my own. Father left us, and I'm left with me, left to my own devices, always feeling like less than a man. My pocketbook, self-explanatory. My mom was raising six boys by herself. Six boys by herself. So we didn't have extras, and we didn't come up with extras, and it wasn't no daddy to go to to get another glove or anything. So that's how I do it.
What's my part? Damn, you mean you got a part? Yeah, what's my part? What's my part not so much in the fact that he left, but what's my part in the resentment? When I write resentment inventory, when I write my part, I write from present day. I write from present day. I do it in two ways. I write from the time of the event, if I had a part in what took place, and I also write from present day in this state of mind right now. What's my part in holding on to the resentment?
My part, I was selfish because I was only concerned with how his leaving affected me. I didn't have any regard for whether—how did he feel about it? Never thought about, I wonder did he miss his six kids? Never thought about, I wonder what his feelings were. Did he cry somewhere at night because he was out on his own? I never thought about that. I was selfish about that, and I had no regard for his feelings, needs, desires, or capabilities.
My father couldn't have been Doctor Huxtable if he wanted to be. My father was a janitor with an eighth grade education.
[00:35:04]
Sometimes I have resentments about people because they aren't who they aren't even capable of being. You want your mama to be Betty Crocker. Well, your mama is who she is. You know, I was dishonest because when my old man was there, I always wished he was gone. I was dishonest because my father didn't leave us. My mom put him out. Wow. That was my third inventory when I realized that. And the cold part, I said when I realized it.
I didn't say not when I found it out. When I realized it. I knew it all the time. But a resentment shows up the way a resentment shows up. A resentment shows up as, he left us. I knew all the time. I was in my third inventory and it dawned on me, dude, wait a minute. Mom's put him out. And everybody rejoiced when it happened. But a resentment, see, resentment don't, you know, my mind have a mind of its own, you know, and it do what it do. So a resentment does what it does, you know, independent of the facts, you know.
I was self-seeking because I refused to interact with him over the years. I was self-seeking because I belittled him to my brothers every opportunity I got, you know, so I took every opportunity to elevate myself at his expense. You know, I was self-seeking. Then in the book it talks about bracketed alongside each one of these was fear. And then I bracket my fears and then I take that and I start a fear inventory, which Bob is going to talk about.
What was the fear? I was afraid of losing legitimacy. I was afraid of being disrespected. I was afraid of being looked down on. I was afraid of being just like him. I was afraid of not having enough. I was afraid of being taken advantage of. And I have some other fears in connection with that too. And that's how I start doing this resentment inventory. And I start doing it because, and I do it for my life and I do it because, you know, there's a lot of freedom that comes at the end of this, you know. There are people in here that are stuck in situations that just seem as, and sometimes when you're in this inventory process, sometimes you don't know.
What you carrying till you're free of it. You don't know what you're carrying till you're free of it. So it's a lot of people walking around thinking that they got a hunchback. No, you don't. You just been carrying a bunch of stuff all this time. And I can stand up as soon as I'm willing to take a look at it. As soon as I'm willing to take a look at it and get rid of some of that stuff. You know, it's people in here right now.
We were talking about it before. Somebody in here right now, you know, is sitting in a resentment that it just seems as if, Yeah, Ralph, you shared about that one. That one's easy to see. But what part did I play? I was six years old when this guy stepped into my room and violated me and forced himself on me, and I didn't have any say so in it. What part did I play in that? And see, I resolutely look for my part.
That's the freedom column. I resolutely look for my part in anything, because if I don't have a part in the solution, if I don't have a part in that problem, I don't have a part in the solution. And if I don't have a part in the solution, you own me. You own me. Somebody says having a resentment is like me taking the poison and waiting on you to die. Another person says me having a resentment is like me keeping you in prison, but I got to stand guard. Somebody else says, you know, having resentments is me building up fences to keep the world out.
But the poor part about it is I now fence myself in. And that's what having resentments is, living like that. And sometimes I think resentments work for me. If I went around the room right now and said, How many people in here believe that resentment's out of power to kill? How many people in here believe resentment's out of power to kill? We sure have a lot of suicide bombers in here right now then, because I guarantee you everybody whose hand went up will get a resentment in a minute.
Sometimes I don't believe. Sometimes I think they work. I know when I read it, I read that they had the power to kill. But my experience showed me, dude, you don't really believe that stuff. Because every now and then, Father Tom said, you know, I identify. He said in Texas there was that case, and he said he just needed killing. Well, sometimes I think some people just need, they need, you know, somebody need a good cussing out every now and then, you know.
Anybody? Am I the only person that think that? And sometimes, sometimes, how many people in relationships? How many people in there got a significant other, spouse, mate or something? Sometimes you just can't afford to let them get away with that, right?
[00:40:16]
Just can't afford to, you know, because if you let them get away with this one, what's gonna happen the next time? So, I have, you know, I love when Sandy talked about taking the right action don't always feel like the right action. You can't measure in recovery, I don't measure by my feelings. I don't measure by my feelings. I roll up in a spot one morning and I went in the wrong place. You know, it was a mall and I was going to an office to do, and it was the wrong address.
So all I did was turned around to come out. You know, just turned in a circle to come out. And I went to the, and it's one of these places where you have to pay $12 just to go. And the lady said, 12. I said, You saw me come in and turn in a circle to come out. $12? Oh, hell no. You got the wrong… I'm up in here now and I'm late. You know, I'm late. I'm doing this deal at work and I'm late, but I can't leave. Oh, no. Call a supervisor.
You're not getting a stamp from me, you know. And we added, we, you know. So finally I pull out some money because she's going at it now, you know, just, it got to. And so I said, Okay, wait a minute, okay, you know, job, you know, this little $12, I better go get this done. And so I go out and I am like, maybe a… And then it dawns on me, Oh no, you got to go back and cuss her out. You didn't check her hard enough.
The measuring stick is not how I feel when taking right actions. That's not necessarily the measuring stick, because when I'm doing resentment inventory, when I'm taking a look at who it is I am, I haven't changed from being that person yet. I'm just seeing who it is. So sometimes, you know, sometimes doing the right thing still don't feel like it. Dude, it's a lot of guys in here that just feel like, Oh no, you can't let them punk you like that.
You just can't go out like that. You cannot let them take advantage of you like that. The penitentiary is full of guys with that kind of mentality, fellas. Full of guys who showed them who they were messing with, right? But that's the fabric of my existence. That's the fabric of it. Can't let them talk to you like that. Can't let them treat you like that. So I think resentments. So all those hands that went up, intellectually, when I read the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, that's why question the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Question it. When I come into this fellowship, and I'm not knocking church, but I grew up in Baptist church, and I grew up with, You don't doubt, you don't— no, you just, this is the book, and it's the good book, and you don't question. And what's in there? No, this is a book written by some people, and if it can withstand scrutiny, it's not worth the ink and the paper that it's written on. Don't just listen to some people come to a weekend like this, let us throw some quotes out to you from this book, and you don't examine them in the light of your own experience. That's how I find out who I am.
That's how I find out what it is that— that's how I form a relationship and a concept of this power. Scrutinize it. Ask myself. I'll find out where I stand on an issue, because I say that out of my mouth, resentment's out of power to kill and have one in a minute. I'll resent you for arguing that point. How you gonna say they don't have the power to kill? Because I think they work for me sometimes.
Sometimes I think they work for me. Somebody in here, if you got a son or a daughter that's been the victim of child molestation or child abuse, and you know who the perpetrator is, somewhere in you is, Oh, hell no. No way am I getting over that one, because I think if I get over it, it means I'm condoning what it was that happened. In resentment inventory, being free of the resentment does not mean I condone, excuse, or exonerate the behavior that brought it on. Being free of the resentment does not mean I condone, excuse, or exonerate bad behavior.
Most of us don't have to experience that. Most of us had a kind of resentments we participated in equally as much as the other people. But somebody in here is sitting in one of those kind of resentments. Somebody in here is sitting in one of— Somebody in here sitting in one of them where I feel justified. The worst kind of anger there is, self-justified anger.
[00:45:01]
Because a resentment don't recognize justification. Poison don't recognize whether or not, you know, poison's poison. Don't recognize the reason why you drank it. You drank it. And resentments kill me. Resentments kill me. Resentments diminish me. Resentments limit me. Yeah, dude, you took me. You came in my bed when I was six years old, but I'm 46 years old right now. You're getting out. I'm taking my bed over.
Somebody in here has three people in the bed with them all the time right now, and you're wondering why you can't get close to your mate. Resentment. How do I get free of that one, Ralph? What do I do with that one? First column, the molester. Second column, molested me. Third column, affected my self-esteem. I'm dirty. Something wrong with me. Pride. Everybody look at me and see something wrong with me.
They look at me different. He didn't think much of me. Anybody that'll treat me like that, treat a kid like that. Ambition. I wanted a happy childhood. I wanted a regular childhood. Security. That's obvious. My physical security was taken away from me. Physical security, emotional security, her threatening to interfere with. Personal relationships. Can't get close to nobody. Feel like I'm wearing a scarlet letter on me and everybody can see it.
Don't trust people. Sexual relationships, I'm frigid, I'm cold. On the other hand, I'm promiscuous. I'm, oh, I'm out there. I'm not worth much. One way or the other, it affects me one way or the other. Can't form a relationship with a man or woman, you know, maybe under whatever it is. Can't trust, trust, you know, or I'm not worth anything, so I'm out there promiscuous, you know. Pocketbook. Buy my way into any relationship, buy friendship, buy, you know.
So, and I'm getting up here and I'm theorizing and I'm doing hypothetical, and I'm doing it because I'm doing it as a favor to the people who don't want to raise their hands on this one. But that's a hard one to go through. Fourth column, what's my part? You mean I got a part in that? The hell are you talking about? If I don't have a part in the problem, I don't have a part in the solution. I don't have a part in the solution, you own me. This day you're gonna stop owning me.
This day you're gonna get up out of my bed. We're gonna start the process of putting you out of my bed. Ain't gonna happen today, but we're gonna start the process. Truth of the matter, because I do it because I think I need to protect myself. I think if I let go of the resentment, what am I left with? That anger is what's protecting me from that happening again. Well, check this out in the fourth column.
Kind of dishonesty is that? That ain't gonna happen again. I'm 48 now, I'll never be eight again. I'll never be eight again. It can't happen to me again. Wow. Wow. What'd happen if I get rid of that anger? Because it's like a warm coat I've been wearing all my life. It's like another skin. It's familiar to me. Is it working for you? Is it working for you? Okay, it's familiar to you. Okay, we'll stipulate that.
Is it working? But it's mine. Okay, we'll stipulate that too. Is it working? It's what I know. Okay, we'll stipulate that too. Is it working? Is it working? I don't know what I'm gonna be left with. I know. That's the good news. That's the good news, because you know what you got, and what you got is it working. See, this whole God idea, it's a new venture. It's a new adventure. We understand that.
When I'm in the third step and when I'm in the fourth step, I don't know nothing about this. I don't know what it's gonna feel like. I don't know what a spiritual experience look like. I got a lot of prejudices. That's why in the chapter to the agnostic, it takes a lot of time batting down those objections. I got a lot of prejudice about what spiritual life looks like. I got a lot of fixed ideas about what spiritual life looks like.
I'm in the process of forming a concept of a power that's mine. That's mine. I don't have a concept. I don't have one. Most people don't come into life with a formed concept of the power. Most people have the fundamental idea, and then we get in life and our parents impress us with an idea, our church upbringing impresses us with an idea, our community impresses us with an idea. We read books and journals and we start looking at, and we get impressed with an idea. And then if I'm really, really, really, really a believer, I think that I'm believing
[00:50:02]
in my own concept, and I might have knowledge and understanding of, but I don't have relationship with. And I come to find out I don't have a concept of this power. And when I embark on this fourth step, this uncovering, discovering, and discarding step, what it's going to leave me with is the first inklings of what I think this power is in my life, and I want a power desperately. I want the power to breathe. I want the power to move.
I want the power to live. I'm a grown-ass man, and I say that all the time, but I never acted it. I don't know about you, but sometime life gets big for a guy named Ralph. Sometimes the responsibilities of being a parent and the responsibilities of being a worker, responsibilities of being a friend, the responsibilities of being a sponsor, the responsibilities of being just a member, the responsibilities of just being in life, they get big for a guy like me, and I don't know how you make it on your own.
Need a power. Need a power. So this idea of inventory, this idea of discovering, it's real, and it's got tangible benefits. Why would I want to? Why would I want to take a look? Why would I want to uncover this stuff? Why would I want the pain of looking at some painful memories that I thought I had buried a long time ago? Why would I want to do it? Because I want to stand up here like that man, Sandy, is evidence, sat in that seat the other night, last night.
And if it's anything I want to be able to do, you know, I want to thank Leaf for asking me to come out. This—I'm gonna go off the board for a minute. Polly was sharing when she was sharing, and she really touched me. Because I have been encountering some challenges the last few years. You know, and one of the most challenging things I discovered, one of the reasons I continue, you know, I've been doing this almost 24 years, and in those almost 24 years, I've probably done at least 16 inventories.
Book doesn't say do it like that. Well, Ralph, aren't you doing 10 steps? Yeah. You know, but I liken it to housekeeping. And I'm a Virgo. I'm a relatively neat guy, you know, but I'm not doing the floors all the time, and I'm never doing the walls, and, you know, so it's cobwebs and stuff, and I'm never doing… So I still do what my mom used to do every spring. I do a spring cleaning. You know, yeah, I keep my…
So now, because I do regular cleaning, I don't have a lot on my inventory, but I still do inventory all the time, because I don't see a problem with cleaning a clean house, but it might be a problem with not cleaning a dirty house. So I just do it, and I'm in the habit, and I like it. I like what I've discovered. I like what I find. I like what I see. So, you know, I do this deal, and I've done a lot of them. And so when you're doing the deal, and you're sponsoring, and you're on all three sides of the triangle, and you're seeking, and you're seeking, and you're seeking, and you're seeking, and you're seeking, you know, I guess I had a Santa Claus idea, God, okay, when you're doing it all like that.
When you check in the seat, and if your boy been naughty or nice, seem like you should always give him presents. So what happens in recovery when the material looks almost like the material looked before you were sober? So I got to a point in my recovery when I asked myself the question, what happens when recovery looks like drinking? Marriage was gone. Lost my house. Thought I was homeless. Plenty of people wanted me in the house.
Felt defeated. Felt fraudulent sharing. Bob knows he was with me in that valley.
[00:55:02]
What's going on? Felt fraudulent sharing. Felt fraudulent sponsoring. Couldn't feel it, I thought. And in that valley experience, I learned some valuable lessons. I learned that grace is a broad umbrella. And I learned that recovery for me has never looked like drinking. If I measure how my material looks. But see, Ralph the man didn't look anything like that other man. But I'm used to measuring the same.
I'm used to using the same yardstick. I now know money. I was losing stuff. Never stop seeking. Never stop trusting. Even when I couldn't. One of the reasons why I do inventory and one of the reasons why I form a relationship is because God don't make too hard of terms with those who seek Him. And even once you form the relationship, it's a two-way thing, and He gonna hold your hand even when you don't think you holding His.
And I undress and I stay transparent, not and realize what it was, that what it is that we do. When I listen to Polly, I need to know what it is, what it is, because in this deal recovery, in this recovery road, it's gonna be some bumps on the road. But God is transformational. He's transformational. And I always wanted to think, and you know, and what I needed was an example. Sandy is evidence. I ain't had my world rocked anywhere near like that man.
And he stood up here last night and he talked about the power of God. And he stood up here last night and he shouted out the evidence, shouted out to me the evidence of what it is to be rocketed into the fourth. He shouted out the evidence of what it is to be living in the sunlight of the spirit. He shouted out the evidence of what it is to be living resentment-free. I want that, because my world gets rocked sometimes.
I want that, because life deals me what it deals me sometimes. You know how they say God won't give you more than you can handle? That's true, but sometimes life will. That's why you need God, you know. So this deal we're talking about this morning, it's the beginning of a journey. It's the beginning journey of uncovering, discovering, and discarding the things that block me from that power that'll give me the power to stand up in all conditions and under all circumstances.
That power that'll give me the power to show up in all conditions and all circumstances. That power that'll give me the power to not just lay down and give up. I've been there. I've been in a valley. I've been in a dark place. And what I liked the most about it, he put some of you guys in the valley with me, put some of you in the dark place with me. I learned some lessons up in there. Some of my sponsees had to help me.
Couldn't feel him. Couldn't feel him. Broke down one day and I'm crying, and I don't do crying, and I don't have a problem with it. I tell men to do it all the time. I'm still just an old school guy, and I still just don't do it that much. And I broke down and I'm not feeling him. And I'm with my sponsee, and she's, Hold on, man, we talking. And this is what you guys do. When I couldn't feel God, she could, and she three-wayed me.
She three-wayed me. Grab another, you know, when it says, When all else fails, nothing else works, nothing ensures immunity from drinking like intensive work with… There's reasons for that, and sometimes it's layers on layers on layers, and you don't even see why. But she three-wayed me. Three-wayed me when I couldn't feel him. We got to having a conversation, and in the middle of the conversation, you could feel like God just plop right down in the middle.
I'm back. You know, so this whole idea, this journey of uncovering, discovering, and discarding, it's for a reason. It's for a reason. So I get this inventory process. Look at it, embark on it. Don't expect miracles from just Embark on it. Don't expect miracles from just doing the fourth step. This is a 12-step program. People ask me questions all the time, you know, Well, what about, you know, how am I going to do it? You know, this is a good format for it.
[01:00:01]
I'm gonna just go real quick, and I'm getting ready to get out of here because we got another presenter that's gonna come up that's gonna really do the other two parts of this. You know, how many resentments should I have? You have as many as you have. How far back should I go? Go back as far as you can remember. Write down as many names as you can remember. Don't worry about how often you're gonna do it.
How do I start writing? Well, I start writing, and I have some tricks of the trade that I've learned for myself. I do what's called the easy resentments first, and then I save the hard ones for later. Sometimes if you try to do your mom and your wife first, you get stuck and you be like, Oh man. And now you're looking at your inventory for three days, like three weeks or three months, and you haven't done anything. Do your boss.
John Elliott, he fired me. He lied on—bam, you're through. You go straight through there. Do your other boss that fired you, and like, bam, you're through. Then you do your boy, you know, do your boy that just owes you some money. Well, bam, you're through. Next thing you know, you did six people in ten minutes, and now, ooh, I'm on a roll. Then you have your wife and you have them toward the back. Just helpful hints.
No way—there's no way to do it, but I'm just telling, sharing my experience with it, you know, and so now I'm on a roll. Other helpful hints: Ralph, I'm blocked. I can't do it. Get a writing partner. Get a writing partner. Write with somebody. I will BS myself, but I won't BS you. Bob, I'm gonna be over at your house on Wednesday night. I'll waste my own time. I won't blow him off. I promised him I'll be there. I won't blow him off.
Well, now we got computers. Should I put it on? Can I do my inventory online? You can, but there is something about the activity of pen to paper. There's something about the activity of pen to paper. It has been proven that when you have to write, you deliberate more. You think more. And what you put on that paper has been given more thought. You know, when you type, you know that you can go back in and edit and take out and change and make it flowery and sound good.
There's something… And there's another side benefit, nothing proven about this, it's just my experience, just my experience: the discipline of pen to paper. And early on in recovery, the discipline, you know, it's like Mr. Miyagi in The Karate Kid, wax on, wax off. He didn't know he was getting ready for a fight. Don't worry about that pen to paper. You don't know, there's a whole lot of other stuff taking place there.
So I encourage old-fashioned pen to paper. Pen to paper. You know, and I think I'm pretty much, you know, so those are just helpful hints in doing this resentment. And I hope it's helpful to somebody. By all means, if you've been doing it a way that you're getting results from, keep doing it the way you're getting results from. I put something out here for your consideration. You know, it's something that's been given to me and I try to freely pass it on. You know, and I am, you know, it's, you know, I love to talk about resentment inventory, but forget talking about it.
You know, I love the benefits. I love the benefits from doing this fourth step. It's the first place that I can see that I'm taking some action. And it's some action that I can see is tangible. It's tangible. I feel like I'm a member of this fellowship. I feel like I'm doing what people do that are members of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, there's a speaker that used to say, Well, how long does it take?
And he'd say, Well, some people it takes six months and two weeks. Some people it takes two weeks. Some people it takes two years and two weeks. Some people it takes five years and two weeks. It takes two weeks to write the inventory. It takes however long the rest of the time it takes in order for you to start the inventory. So it depends on how long you want to talk, but it takes about two weeks to write an inventory.
My name is Ralph White. I'm an alcoholic. Thank you.