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Source: Peter M – Steel City Woodstock (2023) – Speaker Talk – Date Unknown.mp3 File: peter-m-steel-city-woodstock-2023-speaker-talk-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:04:00
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My name is Peter, Recovered Alcoholic, grateful to be alive and sober in part of a sacred place called Alcoholics Anonymous, and first things first, thank the committee for having me and my lovely wife here to share with you this weekend, we're looking forward to it, I'm from Florida so I want to thank you for the balmy weather outside, I appreciate it, we've been to about four conferences in a row and it hasn't broke 40 degrees yet, this isn't any less, get me out of this one, I'll never drink again, I promise, yeah, but what, thank you for speaking and leading us off tonight, June 23rd, 1988 is when a loving God separated me from alcohol, I'm very grateful for this gift of sobriety, I'm very grateful to be a member in good standing in this sacred fellowship called Alcoholics Anonymous, and I guess from the get-go I would offer you this, if there was a prayer I could make for someone who's new or perhaps hanging around here and hasn't gotten any traction, that you were able to experience the sacredness in Alcoholics Anonymous, that you'd stick around long enough to experience and get to see with your own eyes and hear with your own ears lives get reborn and resurrected in Alcoholics Anonymous for fun and for free, it's an experience I'm so glad my God has not allowed me to miss, but I get to pack into the stream of life, I've shared this from a million podiums, the longer I'm sober and the older I'm getting, my point of view on many things has shifted, for the better I hope, the importance of relationships and what they look like in my life currently, even though I may not be interacting with someone, but to harbor no regrets, no animosity towards someone, because this life that we live in Alcoholics Anonymous, this thing we call sobriety, I have found out is so fragile, this life I get to live is so fragile, and I can and I've been guilty of just taking it for granted, just going to another meeting, complaining about a meeting, or my life isn't where it's supposed to be, and it can all be taken from me in a heartbeat, so I hold on to it for dear life, because it is fragile and so precious, and I'm so grateful to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, a recovered member in this sacred place called Alcoholics Anonymous, I do have a home group and I do have a sponsor, and I sponsor a whole bunch of men, probably too many, but it's really difficult to say no when you get that broken guy comes to you and says I need help, can you sponsor me, it's really difficult for me to walk away, the heart leads here rather than the mind, and many times it is an inconvenience when they call you and the hair's on fire, but you take the call and we're always better off at the end of the call, Alcoholics Anonymous has given me so much, basically everything I have, including my relationship, my career, the clothes I'm wearing, quite frankly, the car I drive and where I live, because I got to Alcoholics Anonymous and I literally own nothing, I got here by way of living in the streets in seven treatment centers, I was one of those bums you would see hanging around begging for money, that's where my alcohols and some non-conference approved dry goods took me to, yeah, old little dope fiend says non-conference approved dry goods, good, he's one of us, but it took me really to knocking on debt's door in 1988, the longer I'm sober I've let to let go of a lot of things I thought I needed to be happy, because what the mind will always do is present something to me, a vision that I need to get there to be okay, it's usually laced with money, property and prestige, if I can just get there I'll be okay and have another vision, if I can get there I'll be okay, I should look this way, sound this way, have this kind of money, have this type of career, drive this type of car, and what I've learned through many mistakes and falling down and scraping my knees, I no longer chase the vision, but what I look to do is return back to God, because when I'm right with God I'm traveling light, when I'm right with God I'm okay with you, and very often when I'm not okay with me it's because I'm not okay with him, and when I'm not okay with him I'm not okay with you, so I've let go of a lot of my plans and designs as a book says, and return back to God, I'm bending knees in the morning, sometimes in the afternoon, turning in in order to go out and certainly when I retire at night, because for me, and I speak for myself, Alcoholics Anonymous, this is a soulful walk, it's a spiritual journey, it isn't about self-help, it isn't about positive affirmations, nothing wrong with those things, but at the end of the day it's really about getting soul food to do this soulful walk, this spiritual journey,
[00:05:02]
which comes from here, I've been guilty of operating out of the mind, and I always travel heavy, I'm always in conflict with something, and trying to arrange the external world to fix me, and I travel awfully heavy, I can't tell you how many times in Alcoholics Anonymous I would see through the mind, hear through the mind, speak through the mind, behave through the mind, and what it has allowed me to do is operate out of the soul, because the soul, as we know, is always right, it knows what to say, where to go, how to be, what to do, it's always right, the old timers would say it's an inside job, I know what they mean now, operating from the soul, it's always right, and so my mind wants to constantly create distractions to block me from this truth, and over and over and over again, to talking to sponsors, and having to clean up the wreckage, and writing some inventory, I get back in the saddle again, for this I'm forever grateful, I have a design for living that works, when I got here I had no clue about anything, when I got to Alcoholics in 1988, I had no idea what the steps were, seven treatment centers, let alone traditions, my friend talked about hieroglyphics, that's what it was, traditions, that doesn't even apply to me, I didn't even know who Bill and Bob was, I remember I was sitting in a halfway house, and they took us to this clubhouse, waiting for a meeting, I had two pictures, one of Bill and one of Bob, they looked like feds, and cops and agents made me very uncomfortable, and I'm looking at them, I have no idea what they are, and some old timer comes over and says those are our co-founders, I don't even know what a co-founder means, I'm from Brooklyn, we didn't speak like that, co-founder of what?
Of the place you're in, that's Bill and that's Bob, I said okay, I got it, so the following week I'm sitting in a meeting, this guy's got like three days walks in, and he's looking at them, I says that's Bill and that's Bob, and the old timer says you got it backwards, that's Bill and that's Bob, so I know nothing about anything, we live life forward and understand it backwards, and you know it was the best thing, I didn't come in here with any preconceived ideas or old information, that I know what I need to do, I know a little bit about the steps, or I've been sober this long, so I just got to get back in the saddle, I'm clueless, the white board had no marks on it, I'm so grateful for that, June 23rd, 1988, I'm in the back of a hallway, I'm living in an abandoned building, in an area in lower Manhattan called Alphabet City, it was not a good place to be in the 80s, you had winos, you had junkies, and then the crack scene hit, so it was a bad place, and so I take a presidency in the back of this hallway, and when God finally kind of entered my life, on that day, I remember I wasn't thinking, well, I need to go to detox, then I'll go to treatment, then I'll go to AA, I'll get a sponsor to do the steps and be Moses in 90 days, what happened to me on that day was for me indeed miraculous, because when God shows up, God shows up, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but when God shows up, it's life altering, it's transformational, it's a revolution that happens inside of us, and I can't plan it, many of us in this room, I'm sure I've had those God moments, those God experiences, maybe we're taking care of our children, or doing our laundry, or shopping, or praying, or meditating, and something burst upon us that we couldn't plan, and sometimes in the depths of despair, that gift of desperation, what happened to me was desperation finally screamed a little louder than the ego, and it was a vacuum, the ego got crushed, and when that happens, there's no more bottoms to hit, because there's room for God, and I remember that day very clearly, and I hope I never forget, in fact, I didn't even know it was the month of June, let alone June 23rd, I wasn't that coherent, but I got into my seven treatments, and if anyone's ever been in treatment, you have these admissions people, and if you have like a self-pay or good insurance, they really love you, my dad got me into my seven treatments, and she said to me, honey, today's June 23rd, it's the first day of the rest of your life, aren't you grateful?
No, I'm really not, I'm thinking homicide and suicide, or medicate me now, but it kind of got deposited back here, if you will, but on this particular day, I remember I was lying on the floor like usual, I weighed about 130 pounds, I'm about 200 now, I had blood-stained soil pants on, and I was wearing a turtleneck and a black zip-up jacket, I'm cold and sweating
[00:10:04]
at the same time, I didn't know I was going through withdrawal, at six treatment centers under my belt, I still don't understand this is called withdrawal, I was delusional, walking around in a cloud, one mission, hustle money, get to the liquor store, and get booze in me before I start to vibrate even more, I'm running around with hepatitis C, I'm urinating blood, I'm dying of alcoholism, I reek, I had construction boots, and the right boot was missing the front, my fingernails are filthy, my hair's all greasy, I don't know the last time I took a bath, I had a square meal, this is the life, where alcoholism took me too, see my alcoholism, I don't know about yours, my alcoholism gets a life by taking mine, that's how it lives, my alcoholism will pay any price tomorrow to seek comfort tonight, and that can happen to me while I'm sober, they're called sprees, sex sprees, food sprees, money sprees, gambling sprees, I'll just do it now, figure it out tomorrow, but here I was in this hallway, and I remember getting up off the floor, because I'm vibrating, my belly's sideways, I feel like I can't breathe, I need to get a drink, I don't identify when some folks in our sacred fellowship say, I partied for a long time, I don't identify with that, I had one party, my first drunk, after that, Bill says it better, he calls it battle, the courage to do battle, I was in a war zone, and I went to get up off the floor, and my knees kind of buckled, and down I went, and my life changed, it didn't feel like it was changing for the better, or about to get better, it really felt like I fell into hell, and this abyss, there's a great quote that says, help me, I have fallen into the hands of a living God, it was a free fall, there was nothing to hold on to anymore, I was out of options, the booze wasn't working, it worked for a long time, it was working just to still me, that was it, I hadn't done any outside issues in my body in a long time, it was drinking and pills, that's all I can do, and it wasn't even working, and I began to weep, I'll never forget this, it was like God split me wide open for his light to get in, as we can only do as good as a light was standing in anyway, it didn't feel good, didn't sound godly, feel godly, look godly, I certainly didn't smell godly, but we live life forward and understand that backwards it was very godly, my grand sponsor Don would say, waking up and we have the awakening is a wonderful thing, getting there is really uncomfortable, I remember crying, I couldn't stop crying, it was this purging, this heaving crying, and I said, what's going on with me, I must be losing my mind, what is going on with me, I know it's bad, and I had this thought, that if I get a drink in me, and I need a drink, I'm going to die, and if I don't get a drink in me, I'm going to die, and I don't know what to do, now I don't know if any of that would have happened, but that was the feeling that came over me, drink and die, don't drink and die, oh my god, I'm at the jumping off place, what do I do, where do I go, I've been to AA, drunk, I knew that didn't work, I'm a catholic, I've gone to church, I knew that didn't work, I've gone to treatment six times, that don't work, no woman in her right mind would be around me, especially in this condition, my family disowned me, where do I go, and god removed everything to get my attention, see what god will do, the truth will find us all the time, and god is the truth, he just kept moving stuff out of the way, while I was left with just me and him, I thought of my whole life, I said how did I get here, picking up a drink at 14 years old, how do I land in the back of an abandoned building, my family wants nothing to do with me, my brothers are ashamed and afraid of me, how did I get here, growing up I was a gifted musician and I was the kid in my family and in my neighborhood who was going to make it out via music, and I wind up like this, and it was abundantly clear, made abundantly clear to me in this moment, how did I get here, this wasn't the plan, now back then I despised god, I was never an atheist, I knew there was a god, I believed in the carpenter, but I figured two things, he's got it in for me, he's completely uninterested in my life, when I was 14 my mom took her life, I grew up with a dad who was cunning, baffling and powerful, the alpha male, the gangster father, we never got along, I'm into hippies and music, why god did you do this to me, so I hated god for everything, including turning me into this homeless God for everything, including turning me into this homeless bum, this alcoholic bum.
[00:15:04]
But in that moment, this all-forgiving God showed up. Because what I did, because I start to, I even realized, start to operate out of here, was beg that same God, please take me from this, I don't want to die. I wasn't thinking about detox treatment, sponsor, AA, Steps, and go speak somewhere. None of this came to my thinking, thank you God, because we live life forward and understand it backwards.
I look back on that. If I would have said to myself, okay, we need to go to detox treatment, AA, get a sponsor, I'm still running my life, and God took me out of being a manager. We talk about in Step 12, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of the Twelve Steps. One of the biggest promises in all our literature, that if we do what they say, we will be rocketed and have this personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from alcoholism, yeah?
And if I sit down with the sponsor who's been in the book, I'm going to get that. But the catalyst, the pilot light, the car gets turned over for many of us, whether it's Park Avenue or Park Bench, in that moment when something in us says, this is done. I need to do something different. I'm sick of living my story. I want to live a life. And we can come into AA, I've watched it. People still live in their story and write new chapters to it sober, rather than living this life, this abundant life that God's pursuing us to give us.
And I keep looking the other way. And my words to this God were, please take me from this. I don't want to die. That was it. I don't want to die anymore. And I look back on it from the time I was a kid. Even with the gift of music, I was a good little athlete, good in school. I never got in trouble. I always felt like this round thing trying to fit in a square, just, I'm not right. Just different. I don't know what it is.
Get around a lot of people. I'm uncomfortable. I don't know where God puts me. I'm still, when I go to parties, even if I know people, I'm not that social guy, cracking jokes. You'll find me over in the corner. I look like Goodfellas. I'm in the corner making a deal. I'm not comfortable around big crowds. God says, I'm going to put you out there, speak. Thank you. Please take me from this. I don't want to die.
That was it. In the raw, if you will, there were no options, no, I got to get her back, I got to get that job back, I want to get my money, there was nothing. My dad was in the town called Atlantic City. I hadn't seen him for some time, nor did I see his wife, or my brothers for that matter. I remember going to the corner to call collect. For newcomers, there were things in the street called pay phones.
They have no idea what I'm talking about right now. So I was going to call my dad collect, and I couldn't make the call. Because there was something in me that says if he sees me in this condition, I've already stepped on his heart, this will break it. In fact, quite frankly, my dad kept me alive long enough with God to get me to you. And the only guy on the planet I know who's going to come get me in this condition is my old man.
But I couldn't make the call. Well, my dad in Atlantic City that day around 2.30 in the morning, he was awakened out of his sleep. And he had a feeling as he describes in his gut that I was in trouble, and he needed to go find me. And he started getting dressed, and his wife awakes, and she says, where are you going? I got to find my son Peter. Peter, we haven't seen him. Where are you going to look for him?
He says, I don't know, I have to go. See, when God calls, God calls. We can push and pull and try to manipulate and tweak it. God calls, God calls, and we go. None of it makes sense till we get there. If we think about it, Alcoholics Anonymous makes absolutely no sense that a guy like me and folks like us can have a past we did and come in here and raise families, be productive members of our community, be leaders in our own family, the go-to people, hold down a job with respect, and it makes no sense that God entrusted another drunk to work with one of his kids who was sick and suffering rather than a professional, so now I need to put a drunk with him.
It doesn't make any sense. For free, it makes really no sense now. And my dad made a trek back from Atlantic City to the Lower East Side of Manhattan. If anyone knows that, that's a long way. That's a few hours at best through the worst parts of town. This was a guy who would have a little photo of me and pay off the winos and the junkies,
[00:20:02]
say, have you seen him? Here's 20 bucks. Tell me where he's hiding to try to save my life. And he found me standing on a street corner later that day. I'm tore up from the floor up at this point, and I looked apart, and when my dad drove up, I'll never forget, it was about to cross the street where that doorway is. He got out of the car, and he called my name, Peter. The very first thing I do after all of this is, I don't say, dad, it's so good to see you.
Can you loan me 20 bucks? Nothing. I said, I'm okay, dad, I'm fine. But he kept walking, and when he got to me, my whole body like went limp. The knees went out, the shoulders dropped, and I'll never forget this, his arms, his hands and arms went under mine, and he was holding me up. Now I know this sounds terribly corny, because I'm 63 years old, and I was about 28 back then, but for the very first time in a long time, because my dad is that guy who you're going to get out of the foxhole with.
He's the alpha male. He's the leader. He's fearless. He was that guy. I felt safe in this condition. Our roots were beginning to grasp new soil. First time I felt safe, that no one's going to hurt me, life is not going to hurt me, nothing. I don't know what my next move is. And what my dad did as he was holding me up, and he wasn't a godly guy back then, he is now. He kept repeating something, it caught my ear.
I'm laying on him, and he's holding me up, and he keeps repeating, I'm not going to lose my son to this, I'm not going to lose my son to this, I'm not going to lose my son to this, over and over and over again. And I got into my seven treatment center. And I'm here to talk to you, hopefully, if God allows me, about the good news that was brought to me. And it started in the worst moment of my life, next to burying my mom at 14.
This was it. I was at a fork in the road, and I didn't know which one to take, because even though God got me sober, my mind is still rolling about euphoric recall, just one, just one, just take the edge off, just a little bit, a bump, a pill, just something, because I don't feel good, my stomach's vibrating, I'm shaking, I'm underweight, I'm sick, just something, and God kept me moving forward. June 23rd, 1988 is more important, June 23rd, than my own belly button birthday.
So my whole life is really Alcoholics Anonymous. In fact, if you knew, this is going to sound terribly lame, but I really don't have a life. There's something in scripture that says if I try to find my life, I will lose it, if I lose it for his sake, I will find it, and what God and AEA members have given me this fellowship is a life, a very full life, a very abundant life, a very purposeful life. And I've been swayed out of the saddle a few times, but I've never fallen out.
And this I owe Alcoholics Anonymous for everything, and my loving God, my marriage to my wife, all of it. I grew up in Brooklyn, New York, you can tell I'm not from Oklahoma by the way I speak. In Brooklyn, when we say I love you, it sounds like a death threat, I mean, it's just the way we were brought up, you know. You got to hear my family at Christmas time, it sounds like a sit down, it's just terrible.
Growing up in Brooklyn, I was born in 59, so I remember a lot of the 60s and the early 70s, it was before disco and MTV ruined everything, it was a really cool time. And we were listening to rock and Motown, and what we did in Brooklyn, you hung out on street corners. In the summertime, the street corners would have 20, 30, 40 people, guys and girls hanging out, and that was the mecca of the universe, your street corner.
It was an allegiance, fight to the end, it was like the Vikings, this was it. And it was a pecking order to work up to the older guys, you had to prove yourself to the older guys, but they would always drink cold 45 beer, sometimes have some whiskey, sometimes they'd have the radio and listen to music and flirt with the girls in Rough House, and it was a scene on a Saturday night in the summertime, it was the place to be.
You get all dressed up to go down to the corner, seriously. Look in the mirror for like four hours, walk out your door, walk 50 feet, and this is it, you know. Good old Brooklyn. But January 1974, my mom took her life. She would have been one of us. She was alcoholic, very alcoholic, addicted to narcotics. And she had some mental health issues, suffered from severe depression.
[00:25:02]
And we would take her, my dad would take her to psych ward after psych ward, to psychiatrist to psychiatrist, and they would help her, but they couldn't get the thing. And she tried about a half a dozen times to take her life, and in January 1974, she succeeded, and I woke up to a new life. I'm afraid of my dad, if he walked in the room back then, I'd bail. My two younger brothers, I'm trying to console them, but it wasn't like now where you go to therapy and deal with grieving, and you just kept everything quiet, don't talk about it.
I can tell you this, I was sober five years, where my middle brother called a meeting with my dad and my other brother to sit down and talk to my dad about exactly what happened. It was never discussed. There was an elephant in the living room, and it wasn't talked about. And growing up with an alcoholic in a family, I can tell you this, my Al-Anons know what I'm talking about. You lose your identity, you lose your voice.
Everything's about making sure the drunk is okay. You did a great accomplishment, good, get back to the drunk. And I came to on that day, hearing my dad on a 911 call, I'd never heard my dad get nervous, cry, or be in fear, and this day he was. I knew this was serious, come quick, I think my wife is dead. I remember being in my lower bunk, frozen in fear, I literally couldn't move. And it wasn't a conscious decision, but somewhere in me.
This God thing is a lie. And I grew up with an outlook on life that God was for women and children, men, strong men don't need this make-believe God. This fairy-tale God who's all loving, you just did this to my mom, I'm out. And I'm cast into the sea, if you will, of self-reliance, figure it out as you go, like many of us. I'll just figure it out as I go. We can do that in soap, I'll just figure it out as I go.
I don't need God in response, I know what I need to do. What Alcoholics Anonymous has allowed me to do is live completely out of my mind. I'm completely out of my mind, I'm doing great. It has dismantled the mind on most days. See when I'm in my mind, I'm in trouble because I'm thinking. And if, no pun intended, if we think about it for a moment, doesn't our thought life create our current reality?
How's that working out? If I'm out of my mind, I'm one with God, I'm doing okay. And one night I decided to drink cold 45 beer, I wanted to prove myself to the older guys, I wanted to get in there. But I'm walking around like many of us, I'm fear-based, insecure, I'm totally self-centered. I know they're talking about me. They need to make me feel more welcome. I'm the gifted musician, I'm the guy who's going to be touring with Eric Clapton soon.
I wanted to go to Woodstock when I was 10, my parents would let me go, I was really angry with them. So you should be treating me better and I was just not okay. And I could be not okay sober and Alcoholics Anonymous with all the information in front of me to produce a transformation in me. And I took a quarter beer and I took a few pops off of it, nothing happened, I drank a little more, drank a little more.
About halfway through, I'm embarrassed to tell you, halfway through a quart of cold 45 beer, I'm experiencing something I never experienced before. Our book talks about a sense of ease and comfort which came out once by taking a few drinks. Oh man, I was feeling good. Did this horrific pain that I couldn't wrap my head around with mom dying. This guy who I was so afraid of died, gone, both of those things gone.
By the way, I got to be about 6'3 and really good looking with muscles, this was unbelievable and every girl on the corner really, really wanted me. Why, what are you laughing at? I had a sense of ease and comfort, I loved it. I was rough house with the guy, the music sounded even better, the girls got pretty at me, it was a good thing. Now I know why they do this. I'm getting what they got. And I finished a quart of beer and I'm drunk and I can feel drunk, I know drunk for the first time.
I'm warm and fuzzy, I'm numb, you know, and I'm wobbling but I like it because the world didn't hurt. When I got sober in 1988, when God got me sober in 1988, I'm 28 years old and I'm still the 14 year old kid, life hurt, it was problematic. We live in a world of impermanence, I don't know how to navigate through this, I'm still self-centered, self-seeking, egotistical, I still got it all, I just haven't drank.
I remember on my way back to the house, walking back to my house, I didn't want to go home that night. to my house, I didn't want to go home that night. The recollection, I'm going back to the same house where my mom died. My dad lives there, I don't want to see him. And the big
[00:30:06]
one was this, I never want to be sober again, ever. The idea of walking into school on Monday morning sober like the rest of the kids was more fear than anything. I want this feeling to last for eternity. This is at 14 years old. My point of view on life already shifted dramatically. How do I get more of that to feel more of this? I need to be there. My alcoholism was there before I pick up a drink. I just ignited it with alcohol and it was getting a life by feeding off of me. That's what it does. It will pretty up a junkyard and make me believe it's okay to walk in. It convinced me over and over and over again to get one more drink. I never picked up the first drink drunk. I get out of rehab clean and sober, go right back to the very thing that put me there, the very thing that caused all the problems in my life. I return to it because my mind will take me back to that which is killing me even in sobriety. It's called self-reliance which for me is another step back to insanity. If I'm relying upon me, I'm in serious trouble. So don't rely upon me for anything, by the way. You know, I didn't realize how much bondage I was living until I taste a little bit of freedom. I'm sure there's a few people in this room have been in a few bad relationships before we got here. I've been in a bunch. I know what they sound like, what they feel like, what they look like and you're going to leave every day but you don't. It's like this torment and then whatever reason, one day we're out, we look back and say, what was I thinking in that relationship when I taste freedom?
At 14 years old, I said, how can I be sober? My first six months in Alcoholics Anonymous, I was sober. I was dry as tumbleweed. I don't like the effect produced by that. I'm going to meetings. I'm not drinking. I'm going to meetings, not drinking. I'm listening to the old timers. I'm trying to talk to people younger than me in AA and I'm not okay. I'm somewhat okay for an hour and then I leave and hit the fresh air and it's on me again.
I don't like just being sober. What I was lacking and what I need is spiritual muscles. I need to work out in the gym called Alcoholics Anonymous and get those muscles right. Pay a lot of attention to the clothes, pay a lot of attention to the hair, pay a lot of attention to many things. And then I go spiritually deaf and I don't pay attention to the soul muscles I need for this walk. Listen to a lot of social media, watch a lot of news, watch a lot of current events, talk to a lot of people, gossip slander, all of that stuff.
I can do that. And I'm attuned to all of it. But I can't hear the voice because I've gone spiritually deaf because I've been polluted with other stuff. And I got plaque on the soul while I'm an Alcoholics Anonymous wondering how come I'm not okay and getting jealous with people who are okay. And casting aside our sacred big book because I haven't gone into it and it just reminds me of the truth that I should. So I shoot the messenger because I don't like the message. It's called untreated alcohol, it's called agnosticism, it's called not being in a good place. The very next Saturday I ran to the corner waiting for the guys to buy beer because I wanted to capture that Lucifer one more time. I wanted to get there, I want to feel that feeling again. And I got drunk and I got drunk and I got drunk and I got drunker. I couldn't get to that first one though. I had no idea I stepped onto a road paved right to hell, it's called alcoholism, active alcoholism. Looking back on doing the fourth step I see all the stuff going on before I picked up a drink. But now I need alcohol. No clue about this thing called craving. See when I drink alcohol craving gets intensified, not satisfied. It's unbelievable with folks like us. I take a drink and I need to have the second drink. It screams louder than the first one and the third one's on its way and I can't get out. Look at the watch, gotta get out. I can't get out.
And when I'm drunk I like to get drunker. When I'm high I like to get higher. And there's no limit to that until the police arrest me or I pass out. And I start to, progression does what progression does. It gets worse. In music there's something called a crescendo. It starts off quiet and it gets big, it gets loud. That was my alcoholism. It was getting big, it was getting loud, it was getting offensive, it was hurting people. But I really don't care because I need to do what I need to do. And if you had my problems you'd be drinking too. I'm like 16 and 17 with this mentality. Something's really wrong. My point
[00:35:03]
of view on life was tainted, it was polluted. I started to get in some trouble and that music career a few times got put on the burner because I'd rather get drunk than go to rehearsal. I'd rather get drunk than work on rudiments at home. I need to be drunk. When I'm drunk I play better anyway. And I start to steal. I took things that didn't belong to me. I'm around 18 or 19 years old and my dad's wondering what the heck is going on with my son and my kid brothers who were so proud of me were starting to get embarrassed by me and uncomfortable.
My grandparents were like what's going on with you? You don't look the same. They sensed it. One morning I woke up and I couldn't find any money to take, I couldn't find any jewelry to hock and I discovered my dad's checkbook so I took a check out of his checkbook and forged his name and went down to the local store. They all knew who he was. He had a bit of a reputation in his heyday. And I knew they would cash it for me. I gave them a story like my dad had no cash and my dad was notorious for carrying a big bunch of bills on him.
And they reluctantly cut the check, gave me 20 bucks, I walked out with beer. When I got away with it I thought I hit like Powerball, this is a great thing. And I did it again and again and again. See, I'm about as sharp as a bowling ball at this point. I know nothing about checking statements. I thought you cash a check and it kind of just vanishes into space. And I called the house one day on a pay phone and my kid brother answered and he said to me, the old man's looking for you, what did you do now? I know what I did.
And I was like what is the problem? It's a few hundred bucks, he's got plenty. My dad wasn't rich but he always had pocket money. What is his problem? I could not see, my alcoholism would not permit me to see that I just stole. I justify, minimize, rationalize all my bad behavior hoping you would see my part. The audacity, the hypocrisy I was living with. And I did that not one time over and over and over again. My dad came looking for me and he found me in lower Manhattan. I was sitting in a car with a young lady I met the night before. I'm in love or stalking, whatever you want to say. That's synonymous, in alcoholics synonymous, love, stalking, same thing. And my dad drove up and I thought I was like a real play. I was like Dirty Harry and Snoop Dogg rolled into one. How you have to drive is the seat has to be all the way back. Because if you sit up front you're kind of nerdy.
I can't even touch the pedals but I'm all the way back. I weigh about a buck fifty at this point, my shirt's buttoned down on my navel, you know, I got the fake jewelry on. I think I'm a real player. And then he drives up. He jumps out of the car, he starts walking towards me, I stole from him. Later on he told me it wasn't the money. My heart was broken, I was so angry, my son just stole from me. I never denied you anything. I couldn't see that. But I handled like a player would, any tough guy would, and it sounded like this.
Honey, that's my dad, you talk to him, I'm running away. My dad caught me and I blamed her. And I blamed the guys in the neighborhood. I blamed mom's dying. I'm misunderstood, I'm screwed up. And my dad put me in my first treatment center. Somebody got in his ear and said send your son to a place like this, they deal with kids like him. So I walk into my first treatment center, I'm about, like I said, I'm going to say nineteen, eighteen like that. I'm petrified. And people have been in rehabs, already been locked up in the whole nine, there's dolphins in there, like what am I doing with these people? I'm not alcoholic. I would sit in those little groups but I'm not an alcoholic. I'm totally alcoholic but I'm not alcoholic. I sit there 28 days and got out, called that girl, met me and we got drunk. I did my second, third and fourth and fifth treatment center. Guys, out of seven treatment centers, my first six treatment centers, what I came up with on my power, using self-reliance, was two days of continuous sobriety. From my first treatment center to my last one, I was either drunk, locked up, or in the pursuit of hustling money to get drunk. I came to AA drunk. I wasn't a thirty day, sixty day, ninety day guy and go out. I don't even know what that looks like. I was drunk all the time and taking other outside issues into my body to get even more numb to the world. I loved the stuff that took me way down and insulated. I loved it. Because life won't hurt. And if I'm passed
[00:40:05]
out, I'm out. And I love that. I drank, as Bill says in his story, for oblivion. There was no more socializing. It was, I got to get out of this. I had a job as a longshoreman, a dock worker. One of the most powerful unions in the country. My dad got me this job. All my friends thought I was God at this point. I was making serious money as a young guy. Same money guys in their fifties were making and bought homes and put their kids through school on this salary. So I'm like suddenly rich. And you know where all that money went?
To the thing that I can get. And I start to do a lot of my shenanigans on this job. By the way, this was a job because of the union that you can never ever get fired from. You cannot get fired from this job. In fact, if you got fired, there would be a wildcat strike from the East Coast all the way to California, a work stoppage. Because one of our brothers got fired. You cannot get fired from this job. With me, I got fired from that job. There was no work stoppage. They threw a party. You know how I got fired? They said, you're fired. The embarrassment I was bringing to my family members who worked there. I was borrowing money from people who wanted a little bit back each week until you paid them off.
They came looking for me. I had everyone looking for me. And my dad who would walk head up and shoulder square, one of the lessons he told his kids, always head up and shoulder square, was walking like he needed to be in Allen Honor Therapy because he was living with the drunk after burying my mom. He would walk hunched over like an old man with the weight of the world on him because of my alcoholism was infecting everyone's life. For me to say just don't drink and go to meetings, all I have to do is not drink for me is pretty, pretty narrow-minded. Because I owe, and God gives me the ability, the endurance, the passion and the willingness to go pay it back. My dad's been very ill. We thought we were going to lose him a month ago. And it's difficult seeing this guy in this condition. He was down to 115 pounds. He's 6 foot 220 in his day. He's got a little, you know, saying things that don't make sense. He's doing a little bit of that. And last week they put him in this rehab because he can't walk. He's got to retrain his legs or something. And he was sitting in a wheelchair and he was really embarrassed by it. And what God allowed me to do, I would hear a lot of your stories about caring for your parents. That's so admirable but I don't identify. I do now identify. And I lean over and my dad's in a wheelchair.
Have him hold on to me and lift him up into another chair so he can get to the walker and try to walk. The same way I held on to him a whole bunch of years ago, he was holding on to me. It's heartbreaking. But that's what God allows me to do. I go into my fifth treatment center. I'm convinced of what I am. I'm an alcoholic. Because of non-conference approved drugs, I got marks all over my body. I got an abscess on my arm.
You can fit a baseball in. I'm in serious trouble here. And I go into this fifth treatment center. And they said, you can't leave after 28 days. You're going to die. You need more time in here. The detox was long and painful now. You know, the first time you went to treatment, you detoxed. I hated the cocaine guys. They were eating scrambled eggs three days in there. And all the dope fiends and the whiners are like, oh, my God, I'm going to die. I can't even look at this stuff. And we're rocking. That was me.
And they held on to me in this treatment center for nine consecutive weeks. You know you're in trouble when your side of the door has no doorknob on it. That's when you're in trouble. Nine weeks I'm in this treatment center. And you know what happens after being in treatment for nine weeks? In this inpatient lockdown facility, you put on weight. This place had a gym. We played basketball. They had a place to work out, physical fitness. A little tennis court over there. I'm complaining. I'm doing hard time over here. And nine weeks I'm in this place. I'm bathing. I'm eating, going to group. The vibrating stop. I put on some weight and I look at me. I said, look pretty good. Looking good. I'm looking you.
Came here, I said, I look pretty good, I'm looking good, I'm looking human, and when nine weeks was up, they said, look, we can't hold you anymore, we need to discharge you, and on Saturday morning, after nine weeks, they discharged me, and I crossed the threshold and got hit with the fresh air, and I realized, I don't have a clue what to do, in there, I was a star, in this little cocoon, I don't know what to do, I have no girlfriend, I have no money, I have no job, I don't know how I'm getting home, and my dad and my brothers want nothing to do with me, what do I do,
[00:45:21]
where do I go, panic, you know all the voices that follow us around, you know those voices in the head, like I wake up at 5 a.m., as soon as I wake up, I'm in the middle of an argument with somebody who died 20 years ago, did you ever do that, as soon as you open up your eyes, people are talking to you, all the time, throughout the day, you know, my voices look like this, I'm sitting on the couch in South Florida, I look around my apartment, it's beautiful, married, decorated, beautiful, house is good, furniture is good, relationship is good, the money is good, car is good, neighborhood is good, palm tree is good, the water is good, job is good, this is good, and then my mind says, how old are you, gonna be 64, uh-oh, you know you got more road behind you than in front of you, and I go from bleak to bliss, now I need to go snorkeling, camping, fishing, hiking this afternoon, I haven't lived yet, need to make a lot of money by three, that's what my mind does, so I leave this hospital and all the voices, ideas, a book talks about ideas, attitudes and emotions, they were still my guiding force, all had agendas, all had an itinerary, I need to do this, I need to be there, I need to feel this way, I'm being split in a hundred directions, the anxiety is back, I don't know where to go, I'm in panic, I have no money, I'm in Amityville, Long Island, how do I get back, so what do I do, another collect call out home, my dad says, get in a cab, come home, I'll pay for it, and he reluctantly took me in, I'll never forget when I walked in the door, my two kid brothers were like, what is he doing here, we don't want to do this with him anymore, because they knew anything nailed down was coming out the door with me, this is what I've turned into, and I stayed at my dad's house, I need to share this with you, I get there on Saturday, on their Saturday and Saturday night, I can't breathe, I need a drink, my mind's telling me, you need a drink, you need a pill, you need something, just take the edge off, we'll go to that thing called AA, but right now, I need something, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, my dad's remedy, for everything, including COVID, was a big dish of pasta, it'll fix everything, you got addiction problems, have pasta, and he was cooking, and the smell of it, it was like, that's where I was at, I got to get out, I need a drink, on Monday morning, I snuck out of the house, and got a car that didn't belong to me, and I drove to South Brooklyn, to a liquor store I would freak whenever once in a while, it's like four or five o'clock in the morning, there's nothing open, and this is where, and I've shared this so many times, for me, I had to meet my demons, and go eyeball to eyeball with them, I had conceded to my innermost self, I'm an alcoholic, going to treatment center, I know what I am, I'm an alcoholic, I don't know the depths of my alcoholism, but I know what I am, but even conceding to my innermost self wasn't enough to take me over the threshold into, can you help me, I still thought of self-managing, self-reliance, controlling, regulating, all of that, because control out there, I think I'm in control when I'm drunk, I'm out of control, follows me in here, I need to arrange life to suit me while I'm sober, still holding on to control, in fact, when I pray, sometimes I'm trying to control that outcome, it's not prayer, it looks like I'm praying, it's a negotiation, it's a transaction, God, if I hit powerball for 200 million, I promise I'll be charitable, you know, I'm pacing up and down the sidewalk, waiting for the liquor store to open, now my body's physically sober, I have no post-acute withdrawal going on at all, my body does not need anything that's going to affect me from the neck up, with me, my body's fine, it's sober, but have you ever had the obsession so loud, so strong that it begins to feel physical?
It's convincing me, uh-oh, we don't feel good, and I'm sweating again, and my hands are feeling like, uh-oh, here it comes, I don't need alcohol, my mind says, yeah, we do, and when he finally arrived a little bit late, I run in there, get a pint of whiskey, it was one of those swanky joints where you put your money under the glass partition, and it's bulletproof, I get a pint of whiskey, I don't like, my plan was to get in the car and drive home, drink and drive, it's going to be beautiful, just one pint, everything, take the edge off, I'll be fine, I'm drinking it down as fast as I can, you know what happened, I feel okay, I'm in control again, the nervousness went away, I can breathe, I'm in the saddle, now I'm John Wayne again, I can make good decisions, except one thing, I never made it to the car, because I'm an alcoholic, I had to go back in the liquor store and get a second pint of whiskey, I'm not getting out,
[00:50:23]
I went on one of the worst drunks ever, I didn't see it coming, I got set up and then came the ambush, I didn't see it coming, my alcoholism never announced its arrival, you will see it, you will hear it, I don't, it set me up perfect, Pete, just one pint, we'll drive home, everything's going to be groovy, I have one pint, got to get a second pint, and then what I like to do is eat pills to get even more, to that place of numb, I got arrested a couple of times, to be quite frank, if it wasn't for my dad paying for fancy lawyers, I probably would have done a little bit of time away, you break the law enough, they put you away, I wasn't a hardened criminal, I wasn't that guy, I wasn't the guy running around with a gun, that wasn't me, but you break the law enough, okay, now you need to be incarcerated, and the trap doors always have trap doors, I land after a while in treatment center number 6, and this was unbelievable, because I'm in there, and I'm dying of alcoholism, like a lot of us when we come in here, whether it's park avenue or park bench, physically we show it, but there's something that gets us in the soul, when it gets our attention, because that's where God speaks, yeah, doesn't speak to the head, we'll filter it right out, so I look back on it, I walk into treatment center number 7, I wanna die, there was some sense of reality, I'm killing my family, my name is Peter M., you're not gonna go anywhere, this is it, it's a lonely feeling when we're in that place, and you feel like I'm never getting out, this is it, and I just wish it would happen quick, I don't have anything, except a bottle of whiskey, and that's not working, and what I did was I walked out after 36 hours, you know those counselors, I'm in that business, I often goof about it, make fun of it, those are people who work really, really hard, trying to turn a screw on us to get us right, I hated all of them, they pleaded with me, please don't leave, I cursed them out and walked out, AMA, after 36 hours, landed in some flea bag motel in Staten Island, New York, and this woman who was a barmaid let me share a room with her, and one morning she finished her shift, I don't know, it was 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning, and she crashed out, and I went into her pocketbook, so I was gonna steal all the money she had and go on a drunk of drunks, but what I discovered was about a half a bottle or so of Valium, and I said, here's my ticket, there is a God after all, and I ate them, and washed them down with some whiskey, and got into bed, and waited to end it all, I wanted out, this is what my uncle does, you know, when that stuff hits, you can feel, okay, I'm going, you start to nod, and the whole nine is about to happen, and then something interesting happened, when my mom passed away, it was the 70s, so the belief systems were part of the chauvinism, but what my dad and my uncles would say is, men don't commit suicide, especially the marionette men, mom was a woman, she's weak, they get sick quicker, and this is what they do, I'm believing, suicide is a gender issue, when I'm laying in that bed, and I wanna die, and I feel myself going, this little thread of truth shows up, this has nothing to do with what they said, it's not gender, this is alcoholism, they told me about this in treatment, I knew it, this is alcoholism, my will to live was taken from me, and that can happen, park avenue or park bench, yeah, see the truth is true, until we discover a new truth, and I was about to discover a new truth, but I had to go through some darkness, we all have to walk through some darkness in order to stand in that light, and it was dark before the dawn, and God interrupted my death, and now I'm homeless, I got thrown out of that little motel, it was a swanky hotel, motel, swanky joint, under new management every week, and a nightclub underneath it, you know, the three hour stay joint, one of those places, I don't know how to do the streets, I'm not a fighter, I don't know how to survive on the streets, the very first time I panhandled, I thought like SWAT teams would show up,
[00:55:00]
I was mortified in bumming money off of somebody on the street, but the hundredth time I did it, it's what you do, the first time I stole, for example, it was oh my God, and then you just steal, I'm in that life, that's what you do, pay any price tomorrow to seek comfort right now, and I roamed through the streets and did what I had to do, all for the price of a drink and or pills, because life was hurtful, I wanted out, I can't survive, I don't know what to do, I can't even die, I despise God for this, why are you punishing me, what did I do that was so wrong, and then he offered me utopia, which is what Bill calls alcoholics in his story, utopia, I didn't see it coming, I still don't see God coming, God shows up sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, meditating, praying, meditating, praying, meditating, praying, and one day, bang, something happens, God puts something on our heart, that speaks to us to a different place, it doesn't speak to here, but it speaks to here, and we could be doing little mundane tasks and suddenly feel enlightened and awakened, where we get to live in spirit, inspired, it's that fourth dimension, that God dimension, that makes no sense, I have no training in meditation, I didn't go to school to learn about the steps, it wasn't a college course, a sponsorship, we come here broken, and we're put back together by the touch of the master's hand, which is manifested in you, and I walk into my seven treatment center, I was Amityville, Long Island again, my alma mater, I spent ten minutes in college, I'm sitting in the car, I got a pint of Jack Daniels and ACDC came on the radio, I said, I'm not going to school, and that was the end of that, it was a sound decision I made that day, and they sent me out to Minnesota, they talked to me back then about people, places, and things, and I thought it was therapeutic nonsense, it is very, very real, I've studied a lot about this, it's very real, people, places, and things at the beginning, you need to get out of New York, they sent me to Minnesota, I did more treatment, half way, three quarters, which I knew nothing about, petrified the whole time, where do I go next, our first speaker talked about wanting to know what's down there, what's going to happen, the effect of it, God keeps that to himself, it's like chop wood, carry water, chop wood, carry water, chop wood, carry water, put one foot in front of the other, and God starts to reveal some things, like I'm sleeping at night, and no one's looking for me, I'll share a quick story with you, I'm in this halfway house, I was living in a town called Hastings, Minnesota, and there was a meeting called the Three Legacies in Minneapolis, it was a long drive on a Friday night, 7.30 meeting, about 300 people, all suited up, it looked great, and these guys, they would take turns, drive from Minneapolis or St. Paul, wherever they lived, all the way to Hastings, pick me up, take me back, meeting in the car before the meeting, now the meeting's over, and they go out to eat, we like to go to diners, we always do that, you ever notice in AA, we go to all these diners, we go to some of the worst diners, with the worst coffee, the worst food, the worst service, and when it's all over, say, let's do it again tomorrow night, wasn't that great?
And I'm in panic mode, because the guys who picked me up are going to eat, I have lint in my pocket, and they saw that, because they were new too, and I'll never forget, this guy said to me, it was a very New York kind of phrase, he said, it's okay, you're with us now, I grew up here and stuff like that, you're with us now, and I sat down and they fed me, they gave me a little something to go home with, you're with us now, one night sitting in this diner, this gentleman, Kip, gave me one of those little Bill and Bob on the coin, 24 hour coin, whatever it was, he said, I want you to have this, I thought I was a good AA, just got the Academy Award, I must be doing good, he said, I want you to have this, and I was so like, oh my God, and I got back to my bunk that night, and I put the coin on my dresser table in this halfway house, I prayed and got back into bed, wonderful night, but I wasn't doing step work yet, which means I was a prey to my mind, and then it started, laying in the bunk, staring at the ceiling, what is this, who are you?
This, Who Are You?, Peter Marinelli, This Is Not Gonna Last, This Is Not Gonna Happen, These People Are In Minnesota, They Have A Different Life, They All Have Jobs, They Are Educated, You Are A Bum, Stop It, That Goes To, A Drink Would Fix It, A Drink Would Fix
[01:00:09]
It, A Drink Would Fix It, I'm Laying In Bed and I'm Petrified, I'll Never Forget, I Got Out of Bed, I Got The Coin, When I Was A Kid and We Lost A Tooth, My Mom Would Put The Tooth Under The Pillow and Say The Tooth Fairy Would Come and We'd Find 50 Cents or A Dollar, That Was With Me, I Get The Coin, I Put It Under My Pillow, Except I Prayed, I Prayed So Hard, That God Would Send The AA Angels to Keep Me Safe That Night, Because I Know If I Walk Out The Door Like I Always Did, I'm Not Coming Back, Please God, Send In The Troops, Thank God For The Members Of AA, The Older Members, They Weren't All Big Book Guys, But They Were Master 12 Steppers, And I Woke Up That Morning, In That Bed, Sober, Knowing That I'm Known By My Creator, The Door Opened, I Think I'm Gonna Be Okay, I Made A Sincere Prayer, Even When I Pray Now, The Words, Even If They're Steppers, The Words Were Of Course Quite Optional, I Can Talk In All Kinds Of Language, God's Interested In My Intent, I Pray Not To Tell God To Change Stuff, But Be Changed By Him, And My Intent That Night Was Pleading, Please, I Really Mean The Sincere, He Knew That and Woke Me Up Sober, And That Undercurrent Of Fear and Uncertainty, Many Times Got Replaced With I'm Gonna Be Okay, Even Till I Speak Tonight, I Don't Know How, I Don't Know When, I Don't Know How, But When Adversity Hits, I'm Gonna Be Okay, It's The God Thing, The Soul Is Operating, Sometimes Some Crazy Thoughts Come By, And The Soul Speaks Louder Than That, And Shuts Them Down, Back In The Saddle, And I Continue To Plow The Field, And God Does The Growing, That Family That Was Riddled By Alcoholism Has Been Put Back Together, My Brothers Have Gone To Al-Anon, They Go To Coda, They Go To Therapy, They Go To Church, To Deal With Their Stuff So They Can Heal, And My Dad Who Wasn't A Godly Guy, Has Been Praying And Acknowledging This Power Called God, Because He Sees What You Guys Have Done In My Life, Little By Slowly, With All The Broken Pieces On Me, I Hope To Give This Away With The Same Love And Gratitude That You Give To Me Every Time I Walk Into A Meeting Of Alcoholics Anonymous, And Say My Name Is Peter, I'm An Alcoholic, And I'm Just Gonna Close With Something And Get Out Of Your Way About A Book That Was Given To Me, It's Not An AA Book, We'll Call It Spiritual Literature, If You Like Me, I Get A Book, I Look For The Pictures, Read The Ending First, You Know, But I'm Going Through This Book And I Find This Little Piece That Spoke To My Heart, And All That Are Not Talking About AA, When You Hear It, You Know They're Talking About Us, And This Is What The Author Writes, May I Become At All Times Both Now And Forever, A Protector For Those Without Protection, A Guide For Those Who Have Lost Their Way, A Ship For Those With Oceans To Cross, A Bridge For Those With Rivers To Cross, A Sanctuary For Those In Danger, A Lamp For Those Without Light, A Place Of Refuge For Those Who Lack Shelter, And A Servant To All In Need, That's My Alcoholics Anonymous, Much Is Given, Marion Always Tells Me, Much Is Expected, We Get To Stay On The Firing Line And Take Care Of God's Kids, And He Always Takes Care Of Us, For This I'm Forever Grateful, Thank You Felicia, That's All I Got.
Thank You. Thank You.