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Source: Peggy G – Kentucky State Convention (2022) – Speaker Talk – Date Unknown.mp3 File: peggy-g-kentucky-state-convention-2022-speaker-talk-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:42:15
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My name's Peggy. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, everybody. Through God's grace, the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and strong sponsorship, I have been sober since February 17th, 1987, and I am grateful. That was yesterday. Yesterday was my anniversary. It's been a heck of a week, you know what I mean? They're all hecks of a week, though, you know, because I just overreact. Before I do anything, I want to thank Kim and the committee. It's an honor. It's a privilege.
I'm terrified. I really wish they would, like, you know, it was supposed to be last year and then COVID, and I thought, whew, dodged it. And then I thought it would, like, travel around the rest of Kentucky, and then, by then, other people would be asked, you know? But no, no, not at all. But then again, you know what I mean? Like, I'm an egomaniac with an inferiority complex, so I want the attention until I get the attention, then I don't want the attention. But then if I don't have the attention, I need the attention, you know? It's just like that. That's just how I am. I mean, well, and I'm thinking, like, this is kind of like one of my worst nightmares. My ex-husband's in here and my husband. You know what I mean? Probably a couple other exes. I'm not real sure. I ain't looking around. I'm just going to be like, okay, in a general way, let me apologize in advance. Okay. I don't know. I talked Wednesday. In fact, this is my third lead this week, you know? But God shows up. And if you heard me, like, all three times, I'm so sorry, you know? I always feel like I'm torturing people, you know? Because I gave a great lead in the car driving over here. It was good, you know? And Tommy, my husband's like, you know, I have two big bags. You're 11 minutes from the house. But, I mean, you know, I don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow. I don't know what to wear, you know? Will I feel this way, that way, or the other? So I've got all kinds of stuff and probably nothing matches.
And I'll probably have to send home stuff, you know? So anyway, I did drink, you know? I think way too much, right? I'm not alone there. So I don't know. I grew up in a little town, Dayton, Kentucky. Most of you guys know of it. You know that there was, especially back in the day, bar on every corner. There was, you know, I mean, there was a church right across Street 2, you know? So we, you know, did that. I don't know. I was the youngest kid of nine kids. I have like eight older brothers and sisters. And I just felt, I don't know, even in then, I mean, our living room was like this crowded, you know? It felt like it. Wasn't enough seats, you know? I mean, we ate in two rooms. We lined up, you know?
I just felt weird and different. Even in my family, I just never, ever felt like I fit in, you know? It seemed like everybody else knew what was going on and I didn't, you know? But I'm not going to let you know that. And even as a real young kid, you know, I bought my own stars and I put them on my paper and I would bring home this paper from school and I'd have like 12 stars on there, you know? I just wanted mom to know how good I was, you know? Because on the inside, I'm just not, you know? And I don't know. I mean, I was just like, I had this big eraser and if I made a mistake, I had to hurry up and get rid of it, you know? I mean, that's like, thank God I drank, you know, later. But so, you know, and so, I don't know. None of this really has anything to do, really, with why I'm an alcoholic. But it's, you know, I've pondered it a lot. I've been sober a while.
I've been able to think, you know? And then, I mean, so, you know, I always thought God hated me. I always did. Well, maybe not real little. But so when I had, I was Catholic so we had to go to confession. I'm not dogging the Catholic Church. It's a wonderful thing. It's just my perception, you know what I mean? Like, I am wired funny. I know that. But even knowing that, I can't rewire myself. So anyway, I was little and I got, I had Barbies, you know what I mean? I had Barbies. And everything was good until Ken came along. And then, Barbie and Ken, I mean, Ken did them all, you know? I mean, he just did. The Barbies would fight and they'd break up and, you know? I had my little egg crate in bed, you know, because we didn't have Barbie furniture. I had, like, you know, eight brothers and sisters. We couldn't afford all that. So I had little egg cartons and little things. That would be the bed and all this crazy stuff. And I don't know. I would know I shouldn't be doing that, you know? I'd come downstairs and was playing Barbies. I'm sweating. I can't stop. You know?
And I knew God, you know? I'd go to confession. I know it's wrong. I'm not telling him that. I'm lying. I lie. I'm lying in the confessional, you know what I mean? I'm making up worse stuff. That's alkalogic, you know what I mean? But I'm not, I can't, I can't tell you the truth. And I, you know, I mean, that's just like a whatever, a theme. So I don't know. I was weird and different, definitely. I didn't have a lot of friends. And then these people, these girls, some acquaintances from school, invited me to a party. And I think they invited
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me to a party to make fun of me. I really do. But, because I was like nerd, you know what I mean? Like I made straight A's. I had my eraser. I had my gold stars. I had my Barbies, but nobody knew about that. Except the kids across the street. We played bar growing up. And I was thinking about the other day. I don't know that other little kids play bar, you know, and act drunk from the Kool-Aid and stagger back and forth. You know, I mean, but that's, they attended bar. That was one of the things. So, I don't know. I went to that party, you know? And I, like I said, I felt weird and different my whole life.
And, you know, in high school I was a cutter. I was bulimic, you know what I mean? Like I didn't tell anybody that. I would wear long sleeves. I just, it seemed like everybody else knew how to live life. And man, I didn't. My skin was on inside out. And it, y'all look like you knew what was going on. I did not, you know? And I just lived in fear you would find that out. So, I go to this party and I take a drink. And it was like, thank God.
You know what I mean? It was like relief. Absolute relief. I felt as good as you looked. I was enough. You know what I mean? I was definitely almost. I don't know about enough. That might have been. So, that very first night, though, I took off all my clothes and ran around the block. You know? That's a recurring theme, too. You know? I don't know. I mean, I've thought about it a lot. But I like the story where you can, you know, think about, you know, why is the jackass in the ditch? Who cares? Get him out. You know? Really, that matters is that I stop. Not why I did it. You know? Because that's just that self-knowledge stuff. But I want to know because I really do want the power. You know? So, anyway, I took that drink. And thank God I found alcohol. You know what I mean? Thank God, really. So, from the very first drink, I drank as much as I could, as often as I could. My favorite drink was yours. You know? My favorite guy was yours. You know? I mean, it was just like, I don't know. I mean, and that was young. You know what I mean? We're talking about ninth grade. You know? I teach high school today, which is, you know, thank God there wasn't YouTube and internet and Facebook and all that stuff back then because I wouldn't.
I just look at these kids and I'm like, yep, I'm saving you a seat. You know? Could you imagine coming to, yeah, I remember, you know, when I did get here, there was my eighth grade teacher. I thought, well, it was her husband, though. So, anyway, you know, I drank as much as I could as often as I could, you know? And I was a blackout drinker. I thought you were supposed to, you know? I mean, I really did. I drank for the effect, you know? I mean, it certainly wasn't the taste, but I mean, I learned to drink it. I don't know. So, my drinking progressed quickly, you know? And I have, like, all these brothers and stuff and some of them sold cocaine and some of them grew an acre of marijuana and that was amazing. So, you know, he lost his farm, too, because his daughter stole some and took it to school, sold it, got caught, you know what I mean? You know how it is. You do. I mean, you can't say that out of this room, though, because they're like, no, no, I don't.
What is wrong with you? It's like, oh, I've been thinking that about my whole life. I have no idea what's wrong with me. Plenty. So, you know, I don't know. I was one of those people that I did not discriminate. I used drugs or alcohol. I was, like, you know, what am I, 14? I can't go buy it, you know what I mean? So I'm going to be like, yeah, you got it, I'm going to drink it, I'm going to smoke it, I'm going to snort it, I'm going to do whatever. And, you know, I remember being in high school and I, you know, little black mollies, amphetamines, whatever. So I don't need speed. I really don't. I'm like pretty wired. I wake up going zzzz. So you think it's kind of like calming me down. Nope, it didn't. So I remember saving up all this spit and I got that little molly stuck in my throat and I burped and powder came out my nose. And it was like, whoo, the hair on the back of my neck stood straight out. And I was like, oh, yeah, this is good. I'm going to snort these bad boys, but you don't want to snort speckled eggs because you just can't chop them up enough. They're chunky. I don't know. I just needed relief, you know, whatever was there. I remember one time, I mean, the town was dry. I couldn't get anything. I smoked a tea, I ripped open a tea bag and rolled that up and tried it. Brim decaffeinated coffee.
Don't recommend it. It melts. But you know what the thing is? Somebody had to be the first one to smoke pot, right? So I was doing a little bit of research. Those two don't
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bother. They were not good. I don't know. So when I, you know, I did graduate, you know. I mean, I graduated from high school. I was actually valedictorian, you know. I mean, it was a small school, you know. It really was. And I still had this stuff. I mean, you know, I mean, like, I was driven, you know. I mean, I took a lot of drugs. I worked in a little Chinese restaurant. I would steal bottles of alcohol from behind the bar and put them in my gym bag. And with long socks, because I played basketball, I was editor of your book. I was an overachiever. That's why I needed the speed, you know. Drank. I drank a lot. When I graduated from high school, now my parents, they grew up like during the Great Depression. My dad was in World War II, you know what I mean? He was very strict.
I was his worst nightmare, really. The pain I caused that man. So when I graduated, though, you know, I was, my parents were so proud of me. They really were. And here I am, hickeys all over my neck. Big old hickeys. You know, it was the 80s. I had, I still think it's the 80s, though. I still have the blue eyeliner. I like the 80s, from what I can remember. That almost didn't kill me. So anyway, you know, I had to give a speech and I was drunk and I was like slurring and nobody could understand what I said and I walked out of my shoes as we walked across the football field. I mean, I was just a sloppy drunk. You know, I was just sloppy. And so I ended up, you know, I also hit a full ride to Columbia University and I did not go. You know, I mean, my parents. I look back and think, oh my God. You know, at the time, you think you're not hurting anybody. And I have kids now. Let me tell you, it hurts. It all hurts. You know what I mean? They just want the best for your kids.
You want them to be okay. And then if you have my, our DNA, you know what I mean? You just kind of worry. So anyway, I got, you know, I went to college for a little bit, like three semesters. I hit a 4.0 first time and then I hit a 1.27 after that. You know, like as it progressed, I just couldn't do it. You know, I mean, like I would get up and I would plan on going, you know, but then I'd take a drink. And the drink would take a drink and the drink took me. And that's pretty much how I drank. You know, I drank up all those ambitions, all that stuff, all my hopes and all my dreams, all my parents' hopes and dreams. You know, I was asked not to come back. I mean, you have to pay back all that loan. You know what I mean? Like after you lose your scholarship, then you got to get loans. And even if you don't get a degree, they still want their money. And I'm, I know I had to pay for a car I didn't have anymore. I thought that was not fair.
You know, I totaled it. Why do I have to pay for it? It's garbage. You know, they still want their money. So I don't know. I ended up, you know, I could drink in Clifton a lot. It was the 80s. You know, they would have free beer on Wednesday nights at Burgundy's and stuff. I would go over there. And then, you know, I'm the kind of drunk, I progressed quickly. You know, I mean, like I'm the kind of drunk I get on the expressway going in the wrong direction. I'm that person, you know. I remember, you know, I hit parked cars a lot. I don't remember. Bits and pieces, you know. I mean, I did. You know, I was always hitting parked cars. And it's kind of hard to blame them, but I did. You know? So anyway, I get my first DUI and I had to go to Drake Hospital. And at the time, Mothers Against Drunk Driving are new, right? And they're like, you know, now you have to do stuff.
So, you know, you got to go places. I had to go to Drake Hospital. And it was a three-day dip program, driver intervention program. And you came, okay? Alcoholics Anonymous people came there. And that Father Martin's Chalk Talk and all that kind of stuff. And it was the 80s. There was a lot of self-help going on. Women Who Love Too Much, The Dance of Anger, you know, all those books. I read them. I read them because I knew something was wrong.
You know? And maybe I can figure it out and I can fix it. You know? So I'm going to all those, reading all those books and stuff. Still drinking. You know? I go to that, you know, that Drake place. And that lady, you know, these people from AA are in there telling all their stories. And I think, yeah, you all need it. You know? But I'm all right. You know? I mean, I'm 19. I can't be an alcoholic. I can't. You know? I mean, the thought of not drinking for the rest of my life, that's just not going to happen. I mean, I can't even think that today. I just don't, you know? One day at a time. So anyway, when I left that little program, they were like, okay, do you think you're an alcoholic? And I'm like, well, if I say I'm an alcoholic, then you're going to send me to AA. And if I say I'm not an alcoholic, you're going to say I have denial. You're going to send me to AA. You know? I knew I was cornered. You know? They were out to get me. And they sent me to AA. You know? And I had to go to six beginner meetings.
[00:15:03]
of going into, like, I'm already starting to party before I party, you know what I mean? Like, I can't go out with my friends unless I do a little pre-game, you know? I can't go out drinking unless I'm drinking. Smoke something, take something, you know what I mean? Like, life hit a lot of edges. You know, it was like a turtleneck, and I just wasn't doing it, and so I ended up, went to those six beginner meetings. I was drunk, you know, I mean, maybe not sloppy drunk, but I had had one or two, and it was in Covington, Russell Street, and then they had that little room off to the side, and that little office, Fred's office, and they had beginner meetings there, and Jesus Joe would be in there, you know, and Dick H., and all these guys, and, you know, I mean, and they would talk about the disease concept, and they would say things like, they were beginner meetings, you know, so like, they would talk a little bit about themselves, and they would talk about the progression and how if you had this disease that you had three options. You were either going to die, but not right away, you know, I mean, you were going to die, you were going to either be institutionalized, or you were going to have to get sober. And what they said in there, a lot, like talking about themselves, I could identify with, you know what I mean, it was like, I think I'm one, you know, but I'm not going to tell you, you know, so I'll just quit drinking, you know, with self-knowledge, so I'll just quit drinking, and if you're a heavy drinker, good, quit drinking, your life's going to be good. If you're an alcoholic like me, and you quit drinking, it's not going to be okay, you know, I mean, that turtleneck, you know, the thing is, I mean, the best analogy I have is I just take everything personal, you know, I already do anyway, but if I'm not having any treatment, like if I'm not drinking or if I'm not working those 12 steps, my mind creates a world I have to drink to survive in, that's just how it becomes unbearable, you know, you know, flat tire is God messing with me, you know, it's not, it's just most people call AAA, you know what I mean, or they fix it, no, I'm like, I'm going to stab the other three tires, because my solution is worse than the problem, you know, or change it on a hill, you know, I've done that, just so drunk, because I had them six brothers and my dad, they'd help you once, after that, and they would yell at you the whole time, I remember one time, I was so nervous, I had to check that thing, that antifreeze thing, and I had little balls in there, and that squeezy thing on the end, so dad's like, I'm going to show you how to do that, I'm like, I was so terrified, I broke it off in the thing, it was glass, you know what I mean, I went down there, and that radiator, like, and he's yelling at me, what's wrong with you, I'm like, I don't know, a lot, but you know, nothing a drink won't fix, so anyway, I don't know, I drank, I wrecked cars, I went to jail, you know, I'm the kind of drunk I come to out of the, you know, I'm in White Castles, my clothes are up on the counter, you know, not all of them, you know, just some, next thing you know, I'm like, I'm driving a boat, you know, I don't know how I'm driving that boat, I can't swim, I don't know who that guy is, but that's what I do, I take a drink, the drink takes a drink, and the drink takes me, and I don't know what's going to happen, but I've never come to out of a blackout singing in a church choir, you know, that's probably not going to happen, which that's good too, because I can't sing, that was a blessing, so anyway, you know, I go to those beginner meetings, I got that, I tried to not drink for that year, you know, I tried to not drink, couldn't do it, you know, I just get drunk, that's what happens, it talks in the book about a peculiar mental twist, I just thought I changed my mind, you know, I really did, you know, I mean, it's 2 o'clock, you know what I mean, it's unrealistic, I mean, I was young, you know, and all my friends drank, but I drank with different groups too, you know, I didn't want anybody to know exactly how much I drank, anyway, I don't know, obviously, I, you know, well, I didn't stay sober then, so when I, I ended up hitting another parked car, you know, I was in Clifton, I was coming home, supposed to be coming home to Northern Kentucky, but I hit a parked car in Laughlin, so I was going, you know, north, meant to be coming south, but I get lost anyway, you know, I've wrecked every car I've ever driven even sober, so I don't know, maybe I overreacted, you know, and I'm like, and then you go to court and you find out, gosh, I peed on the side of the expressway in front of the cops, I drank a bottle of liquid paper, the whiteout stuff, thought it would help my breathalyzer, you know what I mean, got blue mascara everywhere, you know, I'm eating pennies, because at the time, then they're like, if you suck on a penny, you won't fail the breathalyzer, yeah, you do, unless you're going to like do Grand National Bank or something, oh, they're pennies, you know, I mean, no, I failed, I went to jail, I jailed well, you know, I really did, you know, because they're my people, really,
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you know, I mean, you need to get in line, take a Tylenol, that's all they'll give you, but I'll get in line, I don't even have a headache, but I've got to take something, just crazy, I went back and visited people, you know, it's crazy, you know, but I mean, I got it, that one girl was in there, they weren't so bad, they were all in there because they drank, when I was in there, I looked out that little window and I knew that I was in there because I drank, I knew it, and for that last year, I tried to not drink, and I knew, I didn't want to leave jail, I really didn't, because I knew if I, when I leave, I'm going to drink, I take a drink, the drink takes a drink, the drink takes me, and I don't know what's going to happen, and the next time I might kill somebody, and I knew it, but I couldn't, you know what I mean, like I couldn't quit, so that one, there was a question in Drake Hospital that said, have you ever gotten drunk when you didn't want to get drunk, and I thought that was a stupid question, because I always wanted to get drunk, that's just stupid, you know, why would you ask such a thing, I mean, who doesn't want to get drunk, you know, but I don't, that, I understood that question now, because see, I didn't want to be drunk, but I've lost the choice, you know, I mean, I have an obsession, you know, and once I take that first drink, the phenomenon of craving kicks in, I have an allergy, I hated myself, I thought it was weak, I thought it was bad, I thought it was because I played perverted Barbie dolls, I thought God hated me, I thought it was everything, you know what I mean, but I just, and it didn't even matter, because I couldn't quit drinking, so I get out of jail, and I don't really, I, you know, while I was in there, I said a prayer, I was like, God help me, you know, because I just knew I'm going to be back, if best case scenario, I'm going to be back, you know, and next time, it's going to be a lot longer, you know, those are just 10 days, so I had like 170 on the shelf or whatever, I'd just gotten off probation for the last one, all that kind of stuff, I found out I hit a parked car on the side of the expressway, you know, and I'm like, well, why was the car parked on the expressway, that's what I was wanting to know, and they were like, why were you driving in the emergency lane, at 60 miles an hour, you know what I mean, and I'm trying to get my friend to push the car off the, it's on fire, you know, just alkalogic, you know what I mean, that's us, we have great minds, I'm a problem solver, I can fix this, no, so I don't know, I had to go see this therapist lady for the courts, and she told me that I, she said, you know, like she wanted me to go back to AA, I was never really in AA, but she said, you should go to AA, I want you to go to AA, just go to one meeting, and I said, I've already been there, and it didn't work, she said, just go to one meeting, I said, well, it didn't work, hence the, you know, whatever, I'm sitting in your office, but she said, so one day, I went in there, and she said, she said, I'm going to let you leave, 15 minutes early, I've made arrangements for some girl to meet you at Russell Street, I want you to go to the new meeting. Now, I've let everybody down my whole entire life, so I'm like, okay, I didn't think I was going to go, you know what I mean, but I remember that, and that was walking down those steps, I remember that I could have turned right, got to the bus stop, I could have turned left, walked over to Russell Street, and I turned left, and, and, you know, I walked into Russell Street, I was terrified, terrified, I'm like, oh my God, you know, how's a nice girl like me end up here, you know, not really, I was like, I was a piece of crap, I hated myself, absolutely hated myself, and, and thank God, I walked in, and I can still remember, I have a picture of Russell Street, somebody put it on Facebook, and I saved it, and inside, and I can still see the table, and I walked in there, and I sat down, I was shaking more than I am tonight, you know, I was just terrified, and this lady walked across the room and put her hand out to me, and she absolutely changed my life, you know, and a lot of times I'm in meetings, and maybe I'm just talking to my friends, and I forget to go put my hand out to the new girl, I got to leave the new boys alone, but the new girl, yeah, so, anyway, well, you know, and I'm, it's like a week before I turned 21, right, so, I mean, and that lady really did save my life, but across the table was this guy, right, and he told me to keep coming back, and I thought he wanted me, so, it helped, I never saw him again, you know what I mean, but I, there was other ones, and I just, you know, and these guys were saying things like, the first drink gets you drunk, and I thought, no, a bunch of lightweights, the first drink doesn't get you drunk, what are you talking about, you know, and I thought, and then, you know, it's the engine that kills you, not the caboose, and I'm like, what, you know, that engine, it just didn't make any sense, you know, and then, oh, it's not, you know, you don't have to quit drinking forever, it's one day at a time, I knew that was a trick, you know, yeah, it is, you know, one day at a time, they think I'm stupid, and then, you know, I thought I was smart, you know, not, you know, I really did, and
[00:25:00]
then, you know, like, they're talking about that ego thing and all that, and I thought, well, I don't have a big ego, I hate myself, but the thing, and then they explain it to you, it doesn't matter if you like yourself or you hate yourself, you're just always thinking about yourself, and I thought, damn, it's like that, you know, are you an alcoholic or not, you know, alcoholism or denial, then you're an alcoholic, it was like a trick, you know, and I don't know, I just kept going to those noon meetings, you know, I couldn't quit, I had not been able to stop drinking, I didn't understand how am I going to quit drinking if I can't quit drinking, but these guys weren't drinking, you know, I just couldn't do that, and I don't know, what happened was, I looked back, and it was you, it was absolutely you, you put your hand out to me and you asked me to come to Frisch's, Ray H., you know what I mean, all these wonderful old timers, where would we be, and I went to Frisch's, I just showed up, I said yes, you know, and I think really that's what it is, I just have to say yes, I don't have any more power today than I did then, you know, I just say yes, and I show up, and God's here, God's with you, and God works through you, and there's so many people in here that I absolutely, I know, I know well, you know, and you know me, we're the same, and I always thought I was weird and different, I just needed you, you know, and God, so anyway, I start going to Frisch's, and I firmly do believe that I met, you know, I found God on the Philadelphia street Frisch's, I learned how to laugh, you guys taught me how to laugh, and that life wasn't over, see, my life was over, I was being sued, I didn't have anywhere to live, I was staying, you know, you ask a newcomer, are you married, well, I mean, we don't have yes and no questions, we don't have yes and no answers, you know, where do you live, well, do you have a job, well, I don't know, you know, are you married, well, I don't know, all that stuff, those are hard questions, you know what I mean, they're hard, I was staying on my sister's couch, I was getting up, I was going to the meeting, I was riding the bus, and then they gave me a 12 and 12, and this is like, or not a 12 and 12, a 24 hour day book, that little black book, right, and it's February the 17th already, I'm late, you know, I'm the overachiever with the stars, it's like, oh my God, I got to study this, I'm like seven, you know, a couple months behind, these guys are ahead of me, I don't know, you just, you know, you just don't, the where and when thing, like with all the meetings, and this is me, my great thinking, but I will not ask you for help, you know, you open it up and some of the meetings said closed, and I thought, well, get them out of the book, why are they in that book if it's closed, and you're going to help me, you know, I'm screwed, I don't know, that alley's looking good, and this lady, this Vicky lady asked me what my last drink was, it's like, that was personal, you know, like, when was your last drink, and I was like, well, I don't know, it was the night before, but she said, she said, well, did you drink it, so this is in February, right, she said, did you drink it New Year's, and I'm like, no, but I did, she said, did you drink it Christmas, no, but I did, and so she went down there in that little Fred room and on that Rolodex, and she wrote a fake sobriety date, you know what I mean, like, I lied about my last drink, and now I can't tell her, so that helped me though, you know what I mean, because I didn't drink because I didn't want to lose my sobriety, and that is just how God works for me, you know, God, I, what do I got to give you, character defects, I don't have anything, I don't have anything worthwhile, you know what I mean, I am broken, I am just a mess, and you know, and like, you guys are like, pray about it, do you think I didn't, you know what I mean, like, I prayed, trust me, so, I just didn't want her to think I couldn't quit drinking, you know, I'm an AA, she couldn't quit drinking, you know, but that was okay for her, so, I don't know, I just kept coming back, you know what I mean, and you guys were here, and I would feel better during the meeting, now at the end of the meeting, I would get out my keys and act like I was going to drive somewhere, I didn't have a car, I didn't have my license, but you're not helping me, you know what I mean, like ego, just crazy, absolute just crazy, and I'm doing the best I can, you take the rum out of fruitcake, you get fruitcake, that's what you get, and I don't know, I just kept coming back, you had to learn how to date an AA, I don't know that you had to, but I had to, and you know, and I look back and it's kind of like the God thing, you know, like when I got sober, and even today, I don't speak God, God speaks Peggy, he knew what I needed, he knew that guy had to say keep coming back, you know what I mean, that's, I mean, you take the girl out of the bar, That's, I mean, you take the girl out of the bar, but it takes years to get the bar out of the girl.
That's all I had.
[00:30:00]
That's, that's who I was, you know? I mean, I take a drink, the drink take a drink, the drink takes me, and that's how it is, you know? And so I, I don't know, you know, I, I, I'm, you have to get a sponsor and all that kind of stuff, and I, I went through seven of them, early, you know, I outgrew them, not really, but I, I went through sponsors at an alarming rate, and two of them were guys, and then I got this lady, but see, like, about a year and a half sober, I was back to the turtleneck, you know what I mean?
Kind of like, my first surrender was to, to alcohol, physical sobriety. I wasn't a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, I was going to a lot of meetings, I didn't even know that the stuff's, I thought they were on the wall, and that was enough, you know? Besides, they're, how are they going to help me? You know what I mean? So I thought it said immoral inventory, not moral inventory, I did an immoral one.
So anyway, you know, I, I finally got this sponsor, and, and, and I actually started working the steps, and I got relief, you know? And, and it seems like my life's turned upside down, you know, and right side up, and maybe upside down was right side up, because it certainly was a mess when I got here. And, and, and, you know, I had to, she got me working the steps, and I, when I went to make amends to my father, he, he told me to leave, you know?
He was, I hurt him, like, when I, for the longest time, I would walk in the house, and he would go in the other room. I, I harmed him, you know what I mean? Like, there's hurt and there's harm. He had worried about me for so long, and he was this tough guy, and I don't know, I always thought he didn't love me, you know? He never said he loved me, and I kept score, trust me. I am a scorekeeper, and having a relationship with me is like whack-a-mole anyway, you know what I mean?
I'm not going to tell you what's wrong. If you love me enough, you'll figure it out. I'm very passive-aggressive, you know what I mean? I'm lonely, I'm crowded. I need my space, but why are you sitting over there? You know, that kind of stuff. And you should know. I'm just a horrible communicator, and I overreact, you know, fancied or real, it doesn't even matter if you didn't do it. If I think you did, you're going to suffer, or if you didn't mean it, I thought you did, you know?
It's like everything personal. I don't want to, but it's kind of like how I'm wired. So anyway, you know, I got married in AA, I got divorced, married him again, divorced him again. We had two little, two wonderful kids. Those kids are the, phew, my heavens. Seems like, I remember when I got pregnant with Timmy, and Mary, my sponsor at the time, said, boy, you're about to find out how self-centered you really are.
And she was right. You know? Man, that was hard. You know? And then I had a second one, and she's like, ooh, God thinks you're really self-centered. He's helping you. That was hard, you know? I don't know. And there's such gifts. But what happens is, like, so my life is good, you know what I mean? I've got gifts. You know? I've got a job, and a car, and stuff, and things, and kids, and I had to join the PTA, you know?
Parent-teacher thing, whatever. I had to do Breakfast with Santa. I mean, it wouldn't happen if I didn't do it, you know? And I'm one of them overdoers, you know? I don't just, like, do a little. So next thing you know, I'm the president of the parents' club, and I'm running that Breakfast with Santa. And AA, eh, I'm going to one meeting a week. Well, I'm weird, man. I'm still consumed with fear, okay?
So if I don't go to this meeting the first week, something came up. It might have been a legitimate reason. The second week, maybe I'm not going to go. By the third week, I can't go. Unless I'm going to meet you. Unless you get me. Unless, you know what I mean? It's like, just like, I'm afraid of what you're going to say, and then I'm mad at you. I haven't even talked to you, and I already don't like you.
You know? It's just like, just like, bondage of self. That's what it is. I can know it. I can't make it go away. You know what I mean? I like, I love that book, oh my gosh. It's just crazy how much that is me. But I, even reading it, you're not going to make it go away, you know? So I can't make it go away, you know? Like if I could pick the day I surrender, I'm not powerless, you know? So what happens, though, is I do say the prayers, and then God gets me busy.
He sends me new girls. He sends me meetings, you know? I got commitments. I had to make coffee. I made coffee at that, thank goodness I did make coffee for that one meeting for a long time. I had a whole meeting, and my sponsor, Mary, drank, and then Barbara Jean was my sponsor, but she was only my sponsor in coin only. You know what I mean? Like I'd call her when it was time to get a coin each year.
She never shamed me. She did not make, she did not push me. She said, you're like a cat. If I run after you, you're going to leave. So I'll just hold still, and you're going to come, you'll show back up, you know? And God, I love that lady.
[00:35:01]
What happened was, I don't know, she, I wasn't going to a lot of meetings. This was the dark years, and this went on for a while, okay? Like I did not drink, and I went to one meeting a week, and my sobriety's kind of like a trophy or whatever, you know what I mean? Like this thing, and if I don't polish it, it goes in the goodwill box. That's what I do. But if I'm going to meetings and all that kind of stuff, I'm polishing it, and I value it, and it's beautiful, and I'm happy.
But see, I can't recall with sufficient force the good or the bad, all right? I just don't. And Patty told me, kind of like my disease is trying to separate me from you, and it's telling me lies, and it's going to pick me away and get me by myself, and then I'm going to believe the big lie, that I can drink, you know? I mean, it's just that way, you know? That's how I am, whether it's my fault or not, it doesn't even matter, you know what I mean?
As long as I stay involved, and in the middle, it's okay, but it's so crazy how one thing comes up. And it's a good thing, it's a valuable thing. I'm supposed to be a parent to my kids. Seven days a week, you know what I mean? Like that's hard, it's balance. The only time I've ever witnessed balance is when I swing past it from one extreme to the other, you know? Woo, that was a minute, and I think something's wrong, you know?
That's just, I don't know. I went, Barbara Jean called me, she told me she had cancer, and that she had four and a half months to live. And will I take her to some meetings, because she couldn't drive? And what are you going to say, no, I'm busy, you know? I mean, God's smart, okay? God can take anything and turn good out of it, you know? Because like I said, when I got here, all I have is character defects, and he used them to help me not drink, you know?
I still don't bring a whole lot to the table. So I started taking her to meetings, and I fell back in love with Alcoholics Anonymous. All I had to do, like they always say, bring the body, the mind will follow, kind of. You know, what do they always say, like suit up and show up and all that kind of stuff? I don't have to do big, hard things, I just got to show up. That's the big, hard thing. A lot of days, you know, I mean, I have a ranch house without steps, which is a big joke, because it's got a lot of steps.
And you know, and a fireplace, I have a lot of gifts. It's harder, you know what I mean? I think I'll just stay home and lose everything, you know, because I don't see it like that. It's that little sneaky thing. And then Barbara Jean ended up like living four and a half years. I love that lady. She's so, I mean, I told her, I said, you've never listened to anybody in your life. You're not going to die in four and a half years, or four and a half months, you know?
And she had given away her big book and her coat and all that stuff. And she said, do you think I could ask for that stuff back? She spoke peggy, you know what I mean? And then I had to get another sponsor. And see, I don't do that well. It's hard. I don't like to ask for help. I'll help you all day. And if you tell me stuff, I'll tell you stuff, you know what I mean? And I'll share my guts with you.
But man, I can't ask you for help, you know? That's so hard. But it's just, and I like, it says that in the book too, nobody likes the leveling of their pride. Golly, you know? I can be better than you or worse than you, but look you in the eye, I don't know. That's kind of hard, you know? So I got Patty. And that was funny, because I was never going to get married in AA again either, and I met this guy online and he was in AA.
You know? He had a couple years sober, so I was like a sobriety cougar. I had 28 years sober, he had two and a half, but he said almost three was horrible, you know? And I was like, oh my God. I don't know. And it just, you know, it works. We laugh a lot when I don't want to put an ink pen in his neck. I don't know. You know, and we got married in Las Vegas by Elvis, you know? That's cool. And some of you guys were there.
And I remember Chris making a toast, and he said, I mean, we're at the Bellagio, I'm like a little poor kid that grew up on the riverbank in Dayton, and now I'm at the Bellagio in Las Vegas getting married. You know? And all these guys were there symbolically, you know? He gave me stuff to wear, all the blue and borrowed stuff, and the coin in my shoe, my people, you know? All of you are my people.
I'm living a life beyond my wildest dreams, but I'll stay home on the couch. You know what I mean? Like, I need you. I need you more today than I needed you when I got here, I think. And thank God for people that call. And then Patty moved. You know what I mean? Well, Tommy was like, he said, I was having a really bad day. And he said, well, I'd tell you to call your sponsor, but that's right, you don't have one.
[00:40:00]
What? What? Oh, there went the hair on the back of my neck, and I thought, I'm going to poison it, you know? I'll make amends. It's all good, right? I can do it. I've heard enough inventories. We can do this. And some of my girls would help me bury the body, I know that. No, but we don't, right? Because I ain't, whatever. So I called Patty. You know, and then Patty moved to Jacksonville. So it was in August, and there was this girl that, I mean, every time, I mean, I would think about her all the time.
It's like crazy, you know what I mean? I would think about this stuff, and she'd appear. And in my mind, she didn't, like, show up at my house. That would be really weird, but I kept thinking about her, you know what I mean? I came to the, I think it was Rule 62 in August here or something, and there she was, and I was terrified. I had to walk over to her and say, you know, I said, I was thinking about asking you to be my sponsor, but you're probably busy.
She said, no. I said, you probably sponsor too many girls. She said, not as many. Really, probably not. And so we were talking, and then she said, so, I'm not sure, am I your sponsor? I was like, I have a hard time asking for help. So, you know, it's just kind of like when you're in middle school and you want to know if somebody likes you, you know? It's like, ugh. Because emotionally, that's about right.
So I said, yeah, will you be my sponsor? So I didn't call her. Watching me work the steps or get better is like watching paint dry, you know? And thank God she doesn't shame me either. But I have been calling her, because, I mean, Christmas at my house was rough. So I don't know. Like I said, you know, my life is, I don't know, you know? It's, you know, I'm going through stuff right now, but we're out of time and I don't feel like crying.
So thank you very much. All right, thank you, Peggy.