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Source: Paul M – Akron Homecoming (2012) – Date Unknown.mp3 File: paul-m-akron-homecoming-2012-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:08:25
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Good evening everyone, my name is Paul M. and it's a privilege and an honor to be asked to come here and kick off the weekend and in fact I used to say a privilege and an honor and it was pointed out to me that it it's really a commitment and a responsibility. I was called up by the committee and offered to take this commitment and because I'm sober today because of Alcoholics Anonymous I was responsible enough and accountable enough to make my way here today and to spend the evening with you. It's my first time in Akron, I'm really looking forward to taking in all the sites and all the tours and so forth and like was just said there my my home group is the West End High Noon Group in Long Beach, New York and to give you an idea what sort of alcoholics we are it's not just noon, it's high noon, you know, Gary Cooper, Grace Kelly, we have two meetings a week, one's at 7.15 on a Thursday night, the other one's at 10 o'clock on a Saturday morning, you know.
There's some idea where we're coming from in sobriety, we've sort of occupied the lower end of the AA gene pool, you know, we're very happy there you know and and to be here tonight like just like when Bob called me up I was like I seen the lineup of speakers and I was just overwhelmed that I was asked to play a small part in this and it's just unbelievable and but my wife, my wife's a non-alcoholic and this stuff doesn't really phase her, you know, I was showing her the program and I like look at the different names and whatnot and look there's my name, you know, and according to her being a good speaker and alcoholic synonymous is like being the tallest of the seven dwarfs, you know, it's like it's not really something to write home about, you know, I mean we all tell each other you're a great speaker, great speaker, but this is about as far as it goes, you know, like when something's for outside credibility it ain't happening, you know.
Mortgage application, I'm a great speaker, you know. I mean my wife, you know, I mean literally just to stay on the point, I mean I often tell this story and I'm sure there's some non-alcoholics here tonight, I mean her and her mother, I'm fascinated, I am actually fascinated by non-alcoholics, you know, I was in the bar business for many years and it just fascinates me and I often tell this story because it's so indicative of the difference between an alcoholic and a non-alcoholic. I'm at this party one time with my wife and I got her a drink and I got myself a soft drink and a little time goes by and I says, she comes over to me and she goes, can you get me another drink? And I said, well what happened to the drink I just got you? She says, well I set it down and I don't know where I set it.
I'm trying to figure this out and finally I said, you mean you lost it? Are you trying to tell me you lost your drink? See, as an alcoholic I can't comprehend this. I'm thinking to myself, now I've lost my car, you know, that I understand, is it over here, you know, I've lost a few days off the calendar, you know, I've lost a few jobs along the way, you mean I got to come in every Monday, you know, and I'm saying to my wife, I've never ever lost a drink. She goes, that's because in your case you were holding on to like grim death, which if I remember wasn't too far away, you know, but alcoholics synonymous, right? I mean, it's incredible. The great miracle, not only the 20th century, but all 20 centuries, because since man first crushed grapes, there's been people like us, couldn't fit in, took drink, ran at life with drink, ran away from life without drink. We were society's first outcasts, from the outside looking in. We were the people that, you know, we were the bewildered one, but we bewildered other ones. Why can't that stop for her? You think you had had enough? You think, even in my own case, people tell me for years, I used to drink every night at college, Paula was in the army, but then I settled down, why don't you? Yeah, why don't I? Because I didn't know when I came to Alcoholics Synonymous that I'm an alcoholic. I found out everything I need to know at Alcoholics Synonymous. My name is Paul and I'm an alcoholic, and that tells me who I am, what I am, where I am, and what I need to be doing, and if I do that, I'm alright, and when I'm alright,
[00:05:00]
everything around me is usually alright too, even if it's not. This great thing called Alcoholics Synonymous allowed me to come to terms with my past, so I could live in the present for the future, which is the rest of today. I didn't realise as an alcoholic until I came here that one drink creates a thirst that I cannot quench. If willpower could stop drinking, I would have stopped drinking a long, long time ago. You need a lot of willpower to drink around the clock for days and days on end. You know, I didn't realise that I came to Alcoholics Synonymous, as Bill Wilson says, the key to success is total surrender. I had to let go absolutely of all my old ideas, and one of my old ideas was somewhere, someday, perhaps I could have half a dozen drinks and get away with it. Because of Alcoholics Synonymous, because of May 12th, 1935, five o'clock in the afternoon, Bill W. and Dr. Bob meeting together, because of those two people, people like me now have something between them and the first drink. Before I came to Alcoholics Synonymous, I had never had anything between me and the first drink. I used to think about, I'd go on these terrible drunks and I'd sit there after coming out of a hospital or out of a restraining sheet or being strapped to a bed, and I'd sit there in the cold light of day and I'd say to myself, okay Paul, why am I doing this?
Why am I slow destroying my life? Why am I burning my life? Why am I blowing my life up? Why am I doing this? And this is the best I could come up with. Lack of willpower. If I had more willpower, I could drink like a gentleman. Lack of discipline. If I had more discipline, lack of morals, I'm just a bad seed. And then my ace in the hole was punishment from God. If it wasn't for bad luck, I wouldn't have any. I got this mark of Cain and I'm destined to walk the face of the earth with it. I got to Alcoholics Synonymous and I found out because of Bill Wilson and Dr.
Bob Snow, that none of those things are true. I drink alcoholically because alcohol does something for me that nothing else does. Until I came to Alcoholics Synonymous and put those steps in my life, it changes me like that. Black and white to colour, one drink. The closest thing to spiritual awakening in my life that actually wasn't one, was drinking booze. It was this close. It looked like the real deal. It felt like the real deal. You thought it was the real deal, but it wasn't. It was bogus. It was counterfeit. It was phony. Because of Alcoholics Synonymous and those two men, I got that spiritual awakening in my life as a result of these steps and I got something between me and the first drink today. It's not just me against a drink. Up until this moment in time, I have never beaten an obsession to drink and I've got into the ring many times. My seven-year-old daughter could say, don't get in the ring, but don't get in the ring means don't take a drink. Until I came to Alcoholics Synonymous, I kept getting back in the ring. I tell myself, I'll bob, I'll weave, I'll stay off the ropes, but the result was always the same. I'm lying flat on my back, looking up at the light saying, how did this happen again? The epitaph of the alcoholic, the next time will be different and it's one more attempt at not drinking, followed by one more failure at drinking, followed by one more attempt at not drinking, as our book says, ad infinitum. Put a dot at the end of the page. Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith, we're sitting here tonight and because of those guys, we're miracles. Now I know we throw the word miracle around a lot in Alcoholics Synonymous. I had a bagel this morning, it was a miracle. It had cream cheese on it, another miracle and it was toasted, you know, but what is a miracle? Let's face it, a miracle is a complete reversal or upheaval of the laws of nature. It's in my nature to be drunk right now and I'm not. Now how did that happen? It didn't happen because of me.
It happened because of these people. We do together what I can't do alone and that's not drink one day at a time. As the guys told me in the old South Bronx group, it's a cinch by the inch, it's hard by the yard, but we just do it one day at a time. On May 12th, 1935 at five o'clock, we can trace this moment in time back to that moment in time. Right, Bill Wilson, come into Akron from New York, you all know the story, going to hit the big time again, one more deal, that's it, I'm off to the races again and then he had the thoughts of drinking again and he didn't know much, but he'd been trying for six months in New York and Dr.
Southworth encouraged him, one talking to the other alcoholics and he had that divine inspiration, that divine thought, I wonder if I can stop drinking by
[00:10:00]
trying another, help another alcoholic. The turning points in all our lives past and present and those two men and the third man and the fourth man. It's funny, I was just talking to the guys there earlier on, I'm talking to a guy just a minute, was driving through Manhattan there this afternoon, we're talking back and forth and he says, guess where I'm driving right past now? I says where? He says I'm driving past 293 Central Park West, Towns Hospital and his father had been in there twice in the early 60s and that place, six months prior to Bill coming here, he lay in that hospital bed and he had that vision, he had that vision of a chain of drunks around the world, one drunk helping another, not just around New York, a whole paradigm shift of one drunk helping another drunk, the turning point in all our lives and that's what I often ask myself when I was coming here today, how strong is the link in my chain? It's as strong to the people coming behind me and more important, as strong to the people going ahead of me. If someone comes to me tonight and says Paul, can I go to a place where I won't regret the past and I wish to shut the door on, can I comprehend the word serenity, can I know peace? Absolutely. Walk this journey with us because in 1935 we've been walking this journey together, trudging the happy road of destiny, trudging, walking with purpose. There's a purpose to our lives, there's a meaning, there's a rhythm and that's sitting in some bar drunk today wondering what's it all about? I know what it's about. Everything I need to know I found out in Alcoholics Anonymous. My name is Paul and I'm an alcoholic, you know, and I think about it like, when you think about Alcoholics Anonymous, what is it? It's hope in human form. We'd rather see a miracle than hear one. We've been talked to, talked at, preached over, preached at, but when those guys came, those guys came to my house, the guy that 12-stepped me into Alcoholics Anonymous, knew Bill Wilson personally back in New York, drank himself in and out of straitjackets in places like Bellevue Hospital, and he came to my house that day and he gave me something I hadn't had in a long, long time. He gave me hope and he brought me to Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm telling you, that's why I think it's so important and we're going to talk about the traditions this weekend to keep that door open for the still sick and suffering alcoholic, whether it be inside or outside this room. I'd never been in Akron before in my life but I guarantee if I leave this podium right now, I wouldn't have to knock on too many doors and I'll find somebody drinking themselves to death right now. Totally oblivious to what's going on here in Alcoholics Anonymous and what is our job here is to keep that door open for the still sick and suffering alcoholic, whether it be inside or outside this room. I don't want this to be like the old Don McLean song, American Pie. The music used to play but it doesn't play anymore. You know, this is our watch. This is for us now to be custodians of this wonderful thing called Alcoholics Anonymous. I've had the blessing to travel to many places and go to many meetings and see this thing in its various forms and it's unbelievable, the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous. In my own life, I'll tell you a little bit of my story. As you probably realized, I'm not from the neighborhood originally.
It's about 25 years now since I left my native Cuba and I grew up in a hard drinking neighborhood. I wasn't one of these guys, oh that's what alcohol does, believe me. I knew up close and personal. I grew up in a working-class neighborhood on the outskirts of Belfast. It was sort of a neighborhood if you didn't drink you moved. You know, everybody drank. I seen public drunkenness. I seen what alcohol could do to a person on a public level and if you'd have told me where I was going to go when I took my first drink, I'd have said you're out of your mind. You must be thinking of somebody else. But it's unbelievable what alcohol did. I said that one drink from black and white to color like that. Now I don't know why, you know, looking back on it, I thought about it, was I a symptom looking for disease? I don't really know. But I had that stone in the shoe, that knot in the stomach. Booze will give you a lift, it gave me a lift, but when it comes time to pay the freight, watch out. In the merchant of Venice, Shylock wanted just one pound of flesh, right? Not this disease. It'll take your job, your car.
[00:15:06]
I believe all terminal diseases, this is the most terminal. If I hadn't stopped drinking, drinking would have stopped me. And that's not some theory that I've come up with. I'm not running AA Lifetime, but I'm running here long enough to know what happens if you take your eye off the ball. This disease will get you in the crosshairs and kill you stone dead with or without booze in your body. I don't need booze in my body to destroy my life. I almost destroyed my life in Alcoholics Anonymous because I wouldn't put the principles of AA into my life.
I've tried not drinking, it's terrible. The minutes feel like hours, the hours feel like days. It's like the Count of Monte Cristo marking on the wall. Living sober with Alcoholics Anonymous is a much better deal. This is the real freedom. I'm from Northern Ireland. I grew up during the war over there. We sang about freedom, we wrote books, read books about freedom, we talked about freedom. I wouldn't have known freedom if it had jumped up beside me. I was shackled to self by the very biochemistry of this illness.
And the only thing I knew to free me was putting a drink in me. But as I said there, it'll give you a lift when it comes time to pay the freight watch out. And I said there, I grew up in there and my life's falling apart in short order, but I'm into the blame game. I'm a finger pointer. It's never my fault. It's you, it's them. They, they're out to get me. I can never really quantify who they were, but they're out there.
Big working class Catholic from the wrong side of the tracks in Northern Ireland, big chip on my shoulder. In fact, when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, a guy says to me, you know something Paul, you're a well balanced guy. I thought to myself, finally somebody that knows what's going on around here, you know. He says, you got a chip on both shoulders, you know. I hated everything. I hated everybody.
I was the guy that could always find the needle in the haystack and sit right on top of it, you know. I told you, you know. So I'm like blaming, you know, my life's unravelling around me in Northern Ireland, but I don't want to look at me. I'm just blaming conditions, outside conditions. When we get to Alcoholics Anonymous AA101, it starts with us. Happiness is an inside job. But I was always looking for that outside fix, for the inside job.
If I can just get things lined up out there, the right job and the right woman, the right this. It's no coincidence I'm standing in America with an Irish accent. It was a runner, a long distance runner. This over the rainbow type philosophy, somewhere, someday. All nonsense. And I came to my father, and I said, my father, I said, listen. I said, I got some bad news for you. I said, I'm going to America, and don't try and talk me out of it.
He says, talk you out of it, I'll help you pack when you're leaving. On you go, Columbus. Let me give you some fatherly advice, turn left at Greenland, you know. I hopped on the only airline to fly if you're an alcoholic. Aer Lingus, Ireland's national airline. I don't know if you've ever flown Aer Lingus, it's a drunkard's dream. The plane's going down the runway, the plane hasn't even taken off, and already they're getting the drinks carts out, you know.
The plane's at like a 45 degree angle, and the cabin staff are like Sherpas, you know, pushing the drinks carts up to the front of the plane. And the whole plane's ringing their bell looking booze, you'd think you're in a pinball machine rather than an airplane, bing, bing, bing. And like driftwood, I washed up in a place called Rockaway Beach, New York. Now, you talk to like old-timers in New York and whatnot, they go, oh, Rockaway Beach, it's a big Irish-American neighbourhood, they go, oh, Rockaway Beach, the Irish Riviera.
It should have been called Cirrhosis by the Sea. They had more alcoholics per square foot. You know what, it's amazing, the alcoholic, we got this like built-in GPS system, you know, you could have blindfolded me and put me in a sack. I'm going to find a neighbourhood that drinks as much, if not more, than the one I just left. And then to make matters worse, I got a job as a bartender. I'm using the word bar here in the loosest, loosest.
You know, we sort out sorted places, right? This was sort of a bar. It was sort of a bar you got thrown into rather than out of, you know.
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This bar had it all. Alcoholics, drug addicts, degenerate gamblers, and that was just the staff, that wasn't even the customers, you know. I'll just give you a mental picture and then I'll move on. If you wanted to see a full set of teeth in this bar, you needed 32 customers, you know what I'm saying? Male and female. Maybe now and again like a glamour girl with like three teeth would stumble into the place, upset the whole ecosystem, you know.
Hey, baby. I remember standing behind the bar one night in Sobriety and I'm thinking to myself, this must be what like happy hour on the island of Doctor Moreau is like, you know what I'm saying? Well, water found its own level and so do alcoholics and I fit it in there like a glove. I've experienced every form of drinking. I was a weekend drinker, a daily drinker, a morning drinker, binge drinking, but I tell you the drinking that done this alcoholic in, I became a periodic alcoholic and you know the equation, the drunks get longer and the pay between them gets shorter.
And now I'm hitting places I thought I'd never hit. I'm hitting hospitals. I'm having convulsions. I'm having seizures. The worst years of my drinking were after I made a firm commitment not to drink anymore. The worst years came after that when I told myself that's it and I drank again and I drank again and I drank again because I hadn't got alcoholics anomalous in my life and without alcoholics anomalous in my life, I have nothing between me and the first drink and I will drink again or go off a bridge.
And most alcoholics will drink first. And I'm not going to go into the whole ins and outs of it, but I'll just paint a picture here. I was 30 years of age and it was just bottoms and more bottoms and the terrible thing about this disease is you hear people saying, oh, if I go out there tomorrow, I'll be dead by the weekend if you're lucky. If you're lucky, you'll be dead by the weekend. It's usually death by a thousand cuts.
And by the time you actually die from this disease, by the time you're actually graveyard dead, you've been physically, you've been mentally and spiritually and emotionally dead for years. And everybody that mattered anything in your life, we should have died a long, long time ago. I asked Mother Teresa one time, she was working in New York, about the terrible poverty that she had seen in the subcontinent of India.
She says, no, one of the loneliest deaths of all must be the death of an alcoholic because they're devoid of any love of themselves or anything around them. It really is a terrible disease, just killing you down from the inside out, your actual soul, your actual spirit just atrophies before your very eyes. And as Mother Teresa says, not that I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, that even God can't fill a cup that's already full.
And what am I full of? I'm full of hatred. I'm full of despise. The world, I'm a world hater, I'm a people hater, I'm going to stop the world, I want to get off. When's my ship going to come in? I can't catch a break. What happened? How did I draw the short straw? And I drink on and drink on. But I'm here to tell you, I'm here as a recipient of a 12-step call in Alcoholics Anonymous. Just like Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob.
And the woman who's my wife today, I was in a bar. I'll just tell you one story towards the end, just to sum up. I had never heard these three words together until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. Maybe somebody has never heard either. But when we hear them as a stanza, when I heard the words pitiful, incomprehensible, demoralization, I didn't have to ask for a translation. Can I get a thesaurus please?
What does this actually mean? Every one of us knows what it means. Dying from the inside out of untreated alcoholism. And keeping going back to the problem, because we have no idea what the solution is. I'll just give you a quick vignette. I was in a bar. I used to have convulsions coming off drinking. I'm having convulsions and seizures even when I'm drinking. I'm at the end of my rope. I'm in a bar, I must have run out of booze in the house.
I'm in a bar, and I collapse in the bar and go into a seizure.
[00:25:00]
And they brought me to the local hospital where I'd been before. And they filled me full of Librium or whatever to get me down off the ceiling. And I wake up, I'm in a restraining sheet, handcuffed to a bed. And the woman who's my wife today is standing by the bedside. And eventually they take off or whatever, and I'm sitting there. I'm 30 years of age, and my life is just a complete disaster. Like Bill Wilson says, Bill Wilson sums up the end of an alcoholic's drinking better than any alcoholic I've ever heard.
He says, quicksand stretched all around him. Boy, what a metaphor. No matter which way you turn, there's nowhere to go. And I took her hand and I said to her, I said, Susan, I don't know why I can't drink, but it's obvious I can't drink. And I will never, ever drink again. Hand and heart, solemn promise. Get a Bible, I'll even go there. But here's what happens to me. And I left that hospital. And if you told me I was going to drink again, I said, no way.
That's it, I'm done. That's it, I'm done. I don't know why I can't drink, but it's obvious. And that's it, I'm finished for good, for end. That's it, I'm done. But I didn't have Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't have 12 Steps in my life. What do the 12 Steps do? 12 Steps bring me to a place of powerlessness. Not to a place where I'm powerful, but to a place where I have access to power. People say by being an arm's length away from a drink.
I suppose so. But I've got to tell you something. I'm 12 steps away from a drink. And that's a quantum leap from where I was when I first came in here. But before that, so I leave this hospital. I don't have this. I don't have 12 Steps. I don't have 12 Traditions. I don't have access to power. It's just me against alcohol again. And even the most firmest resolve. When you go up to Stepping Stones, as many as have.
And you see that big family Bible. Where Bill used to write those promises in the Bible. I'm so sorry. And heartfelt notes after one more debacle. I'm sorry, Lois. It'll be different this time. It's going to be different. A fresh start. A new start. We've heard it all before. We know what that feels like. And we really mean it. That's the sad part. That's what puts people who are non-alcoholics into orbit.
We really mean it. But because we have nothing. We have no access to power. It's just like paper in the wind. It just blows away. And I come out of that hospital. And here's what happens to me. When I don't have 12 steps in my life. When I don't have access to power. Here's what happens to me when I go toe-to-toe with a disease called alcoholism. About a week goes by. And I get this stone in my shoe.
I don't know where it comes from. But it's there all the time. About two weeks go by. I get a knot in my stomach. I don't know where it came from. But it's there all the time. About three weeks go by. The top button of my shirt feels tight all the time. About a month goes by. It feels like everybody's on my case. Even if they're not. Put an X in the calendar. I'm drinking again. Now is that a drinking problem?
No. That's a living sober problem. Our book talks about it. Drinking problem. Even the hard drinker. Sufficient reason and they stop or moderate. Not us. What about the alcoholic? What about the real alcoholic? Us. Firm resolve. And I drink again. And I drink again. And I say, she said to me what non-alcoholics say. I got to get away from you before I end up in asylum. And I say to her what alcoholics say.
I don't need you. I don't need nobody. And I drank on after that. But I'm sitting in an apartment. And the guy who came to my door. And that's why I'm thankful for the non-alcoholic. I didn't make the phone call. I was totally out of my mind on drink. On another bad drunk. And Susan, here's how God works in your life. I love when I hear people at the podium. And they go down. And then there's that and then moment.
And I sit up. Because I know God's coming in the next sentence. I know I'm going to hear about a spiritual experience or awakening happening in the next sentence. The hand of God. And that's what it is. Lack of spiritual good. To sometimes see the hand of God even in the thorns of our day. And you look at the history of Alcoholics Anonymous. And Gail will talk about tomorrow. And how God just. It's got to be providence.
It can't be nothing else. A left turn here. A right turn there would have been finished. And the right people just come into our lives at the right time. In the history of AA. Just when AA needed those people. They were there. And just in my life. That man Jerry came to my door. Now I'm not saying we're the chosen ones. I think God's grace is like the rain. I think God's Grace is like the rain, it falls on everybody, but I don't know, and that drop of rain fell on my face that August morning, I had that moment of clarity, I realised that I can't live like this anymore, and the guy down the street washed it off and drank himself to death, I don't know, but I know what I must do here, I must freely give what was freely given to me.
[00:30:17]
Gerry had been an alcoholic synonymous since 1961, he wasn't off in some ivory tower, reminiscing, hooray, it's not the way it should be or could be, he was still in the trenches, helping another alcoholic, he was from the old South Bronx group, they had a mantra, we don't give up on anybody, and he came to my house, and he shared experience, strength and hope, I thought I was the worst, I thought I was the worst drunk in town, and he told me about hitting hospitals, and straitjackets, and he says it can get worse, I was too sick to go then, but four days later, I went to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, and walking in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous is the greatest singular event in my life, because unbeknownst to myself, I was moving from the problem to the solution, and before Gerry came to the house, he says to me, I said I can't stop drinking, I can't stop drinking, and with typical alcoholic homespun wisdom, he says you can't stop drinking because you're an alcoholic, he says don't worry, I'm coming over, he says why don't you get down on your knees, and say a prayer, I'm on my way, I thought to myself, man, what did I call this guy for, I got some Billy Graham Bible thumper coming over to the house, I was going to ask him to stop and pick me up a quart, you know, but I said I can't ask him now, I grew up in Northern Ireland, I grew up in the Troubles, where people literally shot each other to the front door over religion, I remember when I was eight or nine, no, maybe six or seven, I heard this rat-a-tat-tat open the door, and there was two guys lying dead in the doorstep, and I realised the war wasn't going on TV, it was actually going outside the door, God, I said God, I'm going to be drinking, I thought I was real smug and bohemian, I said God, he never came down our street very often, but desperate times call for desperate measures, quick sands stretched all around me, my back was against the wall, I was out of options, and you'd be surprised what you might do when you're faced with that pitiful, incomprehensible demoralisation, and I did something that I hadn't done in many, many years, I got down on my knees and I said is there anything out there, please help me, and I felt like someone walked up behind me and took a great weight off my shoulders, a sense of peace came over me that I've never experienced before or since, and Gerry came to the door and I told him what I just told you, he says Paul, you're the spiritual experience, it might get you sober, but it won't keep you sober, there's been people that have had those that have died drunk, let's get you to Alcoholics Anonymous, and Gerry, I call him regular, saved my life, I go down to visit him in Florida regular, you want to see old timers nae, get down to Florida, he brought me to this meeting, he said I want you to meet the guys, the average age of the group was dead, he says it's a night meeting, it was 4 o'clock in the afternoon, and the meeting must have got like a group rate on cataract surgery, because the whole meeting was all wearing those big black wraparound sunglasses, when I first walked in I said man, check this out, a virtual AA meeting, this is really, these guys know how to do it down here, man, really.
But, Gerry, I mean, a blessing in my life, as I said, I often say this from the podium, he came into Alcoholics in 1961, in 1967 he was sitting in Bill Wilson's office, 6 years off drink, but carrying something around, and you know how we let that one thing define us as a people, as a person, and we just can't let go, we just can't tell nobody, you know that feeling, and Bill talked, and you, or Gerry knew Bill, and Bill did what he partly did in those times, he talked about the collective experience of Alcoholics in Amherst, he says Gerry, it's been our experience that those people that try to carry the load alone pay a heavy price,
[00:35:06]
and Gerry listened to him, talked to him one on one, and got up and left, and was drunk a few days later, he drank three more times, got sober again in 1967, and has been sober since, and he talks about that one thing from the podium today, but he tells that story, not to say hey, I knew Bill Wilson, he tells that story to say that you could be sitting one on one with the co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous, sharing one on one, but if you're not willing to do what's required around here, you'll drink again, or go for a bridge, even the co-founder cannot keep you sober if you're not willing to do what's required around here, we don't do this test because you're anybody that's new here tonight, we don't do this test because they're nice, we do them because they're necessary for recovery, if you want to get physically, and mentally, and spiritually, and emotionally rehabilitated, please work this program, I know of no other way, and I've tried every other way, of trying to get sober and free without doing the steps, it was the last thing I tried, and the first thing that ever worked, and if you're new here tonight, and you say, oh Paul, you're all laughing, you don't see me laughing, I don't know if I'm ever going to laugh again, I've backed myself into a corner, you don't know where I'm at, you don't know what I'm going through right now, and maybe that is true, maybe that is true, but I'll tell you this, you hear that analogy, you go 10 miles into the forest, you've got to go 10 miles out, I don't believe that in alcoholics and almost, I don't care how deep, and how dark, and how painful that forest you're in right now is, as far as I'm concerned, the co-founders of alcoholics and almost tell me, you're just 12 steps away from a new life, that's all, just 12 steps away from a brand new life, you hear people saying, oh I came to AA, and I got my life back, I don't want my life back, it sucked, if you want it, go ahead, I had it for 30 years, you know people have trouble with the third step, I had no trouble with the third, God wants this, here, go right ahead, I did not balk at the third step, believe me, and if you're sitting out there, and you're saying to yourself, oh, and I say this all from the podium, keep it simple, unity, service, and recovery, we have that symbol, and I believe you can do all three parts to the triangle from your very first meeting in AA, unity, just like Bill and Bob, we do together what I can't do alone, many meetings make it easy, few make it hard, none make it impossible, service, I've got to give, and I've got to give, I'm shackled to self, my holy trinity is me, me, me, my wife catches me all the time, in fact, even better, I'll tell you, one time my wife and I were having a heated discussion, and my daughter was about four years of age, and we were talking back and forth, and my daughter was going like a tennis match, my daughter was going like this here, and then finally my daughter couldn't take it anymore, and she goes, what about me, me, me, and my wife goes, not another one, and it happens like that, in fact, my wife will be telling me some problem she's going through, and I'll glaze over, and she'll say, you're thinking hard, this is going to affect you, right, and I'll go, no, I'm not, but I am, and it happens like that, I remember I went to my sponsor one time, I go, you know, I think it's DNA, he goes, no, you would think it's DNA, because it's so deeply rooted in you, but it's not, it's self-centeredness, as the book says, driven by a hundred forms of it, so that unity, and that service, and recovery, maybe the steps do seem like a foreign concept, we have those slogans, live and let live, easy does it, one day at a time, and I believe, if you're new here tonight, it is not the grace of God, I mean, if you don't believe, anybody, God is not here, it's not the grace of God, when you come in here, on the worst night of your life, the one night you need to drink the most, and you're given the grace not to drink, for that one night, and you build upon that, and you build upon that, and that's why I love, I mean, I love working with newcomers, I love old timers, and I love newcomers, middle management, you know, those guys in the middle, that's us, I'm in middle management, we know just enough to how to destroy this thing, you know, those are the guys you gotta watch out for, but, because sometimes we forget, we get caught up in
[00:40:03]
the nuances of sobriety, and get up in the gray areas, and mix the big picture, I'm a hopeless alcoholic, who by my own volition, I'll be lying on the floor drunk, the great miracle in my life, I didn't drink today, I didn't drink today, because of alcoholics anomalous, the longest I've ever had a drink by myself, was six weeks, and it wasn't off drink, I was either thinking about a drink, drinking a drink, or coming off a drunk, booze consumed me 24 7, I'm as free today, as I've been in any time in my life, I'm not saying my life's perfect, the same things that happen to people out there, happen to people in here, I thought alcoholics anomalous would give me the immunity from life, that's not true, it gave me the ability to do something I couldn't do before, and that's do life on life's terms, the good, and sometimes the not so good, I'm telling you, I may not be here to sell this thing, this thing sells itself, it's a program of attraction, not promotion, but I'll tell you my own personal life, you cannot get where I am today, from where I came from, without alcoholics anomalous, you just can't, it's an impossible journey, you just can't, and that's why I come here, and I keep coming to alcoholics anomalous, I know how the movie goes, but I wouldn't miss it for a moment, to see a guy coming in there, and you see him a few months later, putting his life back together again, that is as the book says, to watch a fellowship group around you, is something you should not miss, we have a front row seat, for the very best, that the human spirit has to offer, I could never get close to people, I mean, I was gregarious and outgoing, but I was a bit like the Robert Moses, the the urban planner from New York, they said he loved humanity, he just didn't like people too much, I loved humanity as a concept, but getting close to another person, alcoholics, I put my arms around my sponsor, hug him tight, I mean, you know, the Irish, we don't do that very often, you know, I mean, that's a whole new learning experience in alcoholics anomalous, and I'm saying here, if you're new here, just this great thing called alcoholics anomalous, and talking about Jerry there, and he brought me to my first meetings in New York, I'll just tell you a little bit about New York sobriety, I was so blessed, the old South Bronx group that I talked about, and it gives you hope in human form, one of the first guys I ever heard speaking was a guy called Gene McKay, he was like a legend in the South Bronx, did 12 years unbroken stretch on the streets of Manhattan, 12 years, all seasons, he was 37 years sober when I first met him, I heard him speaking, it gave me hope, another woman, Gina H, seven trips to Rockland State Mental Hospital, she was sitting there sober, then we used to go up to Jack B's old group, Sobriety Unlimited, they used to call it the cops and robbers group, half the group was cops, the other half was robbers, I mean, really, you can't make this stuff up, and I'm sitting there, and it's like early September, and I look up, and there's a Christmas tree, with all the lights lit up, I'm like, what the, what's going on here, and this guy nudged me, he goes, every day is Christmas when you're not drinking, kid, and I said, I get it, I get it, I know what's going on here, I know it's principles are ahead of personalities, but I've met some great personalities, and alcoholics, who put their hand out, God works through people, people get people sober, and the conduit that he uses is the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, and the apparatus that he uses is a 12-step program, one alcoholic helping another, just like Bill thought about when he had that vision in Towns Hospital, that chain link, one helping another, I thought my life was over when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, it was just beginning, are there people in my life when I was drinking, absolutely, but things are different today, my world is built on concrete today, and just like that story I used to read my little girl at night, the world out there, which it will, will huff and it'll puff, but if I stay close to the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous, my sober house won't blow down, that was not the case, before I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, where were we, we were lost, where were we lost, on a sea of booze, and if there was any coordinates, it was pain and misery, and every now and again we'd wash up on dry land, and try to build some.
Wash up on dry land and try to build something but everything was built on sand and the first drink would always arrive again I'm a washed out back to sea again because of Alcoholics Anonymous we're solid here together one
[00:45:04]
alcoholic helping another you know and as I said they're the great blessings of alcohol in New York there anytime I sponsor anybody I bring them down to Clinton Street and I stand outside that house on 182 Clinton Street and I look up there and I think to myself thank God for Bill W. thank God for Dr. Bob there's not a day goes by I don't say a prayer for those two men without them I don't know where we'd be today it's funny a guy gave me something that I treasure in fact it was Jerry from Florida he knew Bill pretty good Bill give him a when as Bill Sees It came out he gave him a written copy and signed it for him and he also gave him a photograph of himself and Lois and just best wishes Bill and Lois and he gave me that photograph and I keep it at the side of my bed and it's funny my little girl would look at and she goes because we have a lot of relatives and she's a lot of relatives in Ireland and she goes is that my grandmother and my grandfather and I said you know what in a certain way they are in a certain way they are that is your grandmother and your grandfather because without those people I don't know where I'd be today you know one day as I said they're talking about alcoholic tsunamis and they talk about I mean where are we the book talks about it we are survivors for the from the sinking ship we're brought here together from the from the captain's table to the steerage you know I've never been to this room before a lot of people in this room never met before but you tell me you're an alcoholic and I know enough I know you've experienced terror, frustration, bewilderment and despair I know you put a drink to your lips as a tears rolled down your face and you drank it anyway I know that family and friends and loved ones stood there and pleaded with you not to drink and you drank I know like in my case I sat there talk about damaging your human spirit drinking against my own will with the tears rolling down my face as I put the drink to my lips you tell me you're an alcoholic I know enough you know and we're here together as I said they're survivors from the sinking ship and what do we do do we seal off into the sunset patting ourselves on the back no we circle and go back looking for more survivors and because of the 12 traditions of alcoholic tsunamis we're able to keep that boat steady safe secure it's okay as Emmett Fox said having the captain on the bridge but without those traditions there'd be a mutiny below the decks you know you know because I really believe that I think that's one of the great things that's often overlooked but Bill Wilson and Dr.
Bob without those 12 traditions I really believe that alcoholic tsunamis would have completely collapsed under the weight of its own self-will I talked to some of the old-timers there in New York and even stuff you wouldn't think of as a guy I know his name's Tom K and he's the only guy that I know that was actually in AA when Dr. Bob was alive he came in six months before Dr. Bob died 1949 he had this guy Tom was one of the youngest guys in AA he was 23 like the Wonder Boy he put five years together and got drunk he's got about 57 58 years back and he says like which would never think of he said when he came in alcoholic tsunamis he said Bill Wilson had 14 years sobriety he was the longest person sober in alcoholic with 14 years he said he went to the meeting and they went to the diner after the meeting and the guy nudged him and said you see that guy over there he's got five years he's sober five years Tom was like what five years and those early days when AA hung by a thread and he says which I know we wouldn't think of it but it would make sense he says when Dr. Bob died a shock wave went through the fellowship is that it what's going to happen now one of the co-founders is dead can this thing go on but because of their traditions of alcoholic tsunamis I mean it's funny and Bill knew that the brilliance of those guys to get those traditions out there the spiritual string that holds this package together I know Bill tells a story that tell you sometimes when you go to the general service office he was asked to speak at a meeting in New York and everybody wants to hear the white light experience at Towns Hospital and they said there was a woman in the office and she goes to Bill and says Bill I have to go and speak at a meeting tonight and it's on the traditions have you any advice for me he says good luck but they persevered and because of those guys and those traditions we have at these doors are open for the still sick and suffering alcoholic
[00:50:03]
where they're being set out to this room I'll tell you a couple of stories about AA I think it's the brilliance of alcoholic tsunamis and the very best I said that the human experience has to offer and why it doesn't matter who's sitting next to the lifeboat but you better be willing to put your hand out and help them I don't get to decide who sits in the lifeboat but I better be willing to help them because think about it guys since 1935 on May 12th at five o'clock from now on when the families are sitting around the non-alcoholics and they don't know what to do and they don't know what did what's going on and they don't know what to do with the alcoholic my program tells me that I've asked I better be willing to go I mightn't be chosen but I better be willing to go and help that man it's not one of the most brilliant things in alcoholic tsunamis you look at that picture of the man on the bed when you think about the history of AA it just encapsulates the whole magnificence of alcoholic tsunamis you have the guy we've all been there or woman on the bed drunk out life falling apart quicksand stretching all around and the two guys sitting there open willing hands out with the book and what's their spiritual calling card they're saying we are you and you are us but we are not you today because of this walk this journey with us and you won't have to be where you are today that one picture sums up the whole experience of alcoholic tsunamis and one alcoholic have another regardless of gender or color or creed we're alcoholics first and everything else second and I see this very clearly and I often tell this and I'll tell it tonight I go to meetings I'm from outside of Belfast my brother's sobering the fellowship over there and I go back regular and I go to meetings of alcoholic tsunamis in Northern Ireland I've been to meetings in alcoholic tsunamis in Belfast and some of the darkest days of the troubles you talk about people who normally don't mix however people who never mix but there's one place they mix they mix in alcoholic tsunamis and everything else is left at the door all the differences and whatnot and they come in here and they talk about their common problem and their common solution and it's one alcoholic helping another the very I mean you dr. Bob see you simmer this down what is it it's one alcoholic helping another love and service I I remember going to a meeting one time in Belfast it's funny we were in from West Belfast which is the Catholic part of town and we're going over to East Belfast which is the Protestant part of town I was a bunch of Catholics in the car we drove across what's called the peace line and this guy in the car says Paul you've been in America too long things are bad right now we shouldn't really be in this part of time but we're going on a speaking commitment I love alcoholic humor this guy says you know the last time a Catholic was in this part of Belfast after dark he was in the trunk of the car you know and we go to the meeting and the guys we shared just like we do here we shared experience strength and hope it's one alcoholic helping another I may often tell about the brilliance of AA the history of alcoholic tsunamis in Ireland. Ireland was the first country in Europe that AA went to 1946 and if there was ever a country needed AA believe me it was Ireland I know there's a few English people here AA went to England in 1947 beat them by years one of the few things that Ireland has beat England at you know but that's not something to boast about we got worse drunks than you that we needed AA before you but it sums up what I was saying about one alcoholic helping another the guy was a guy by the name of Connor F he was a retired policeman from Philadelphia now he was born there's a few people in Philadelphia here probably know this story he was born in Ireland but he worked his adult life in Philadelphia he's home in Ireland on a retirement vacation and he realizes there's no AA and he writes a letter to General Service and they had what's called a start-up kit and they said well why don't you start a meeting and he was only sober a couple of years himself and he did what Bill tried to do 10 or 11 years earlier in New York running about hospitals put a few ads in papers was getting nowhere and funny enough just like in Bill and Bob with Henrietta he bumped into a woman who was a non-alcoholic her name was Eva Jennings and she told him about this hospital who had a doctor that worked with drunks or alcoholics and he went to the hospital and this doctor had been working with alcoholics and he says I had never even heard of alcoholics anonymous he said well I'll tell you this we got a guy
[00:55:03]
down in one of the beds here he's been detoxed 20 30 times there's times he's drunk on the way home from the hospital if you make any impression on him you'll have my full support and Richard P I'm sorry Connor F went down to the bed and the guy in the bed just the man in the bed was Richard P and this guy had been talked to, talked at, prayed at, prayed over and he knew he was a dead man walking and Connor F did what I've tried to do tonight shared experience strength and hope how he drank how he got sober how the new person make it sober and Richard P knew as we do at that visceral level that this was something different just like Bill and Bob this was somebody talking my language this is somebody that I can identify with if we lose singleness of purpose we're finished I can identify yes yes I did that yes I did that yes I did that and Richard Percival Richard P got up out of his bed and those two men left that hospital and started the first meeting of alcoholics anonymous in Dublin and Richard P never took another drink to the day he died in 1973 that's the power of alcoholics anonymous that's the power of one alcoholic working with another just like Bill Wilson looking for dr. Bob to keep him from drinking you know and I can't we kind of miss that and in my own life here as I said there you can't get where I am today from where I came from without AA I came into alcoholics anonymous I was 30 years of age I didn't even have a high school diploma and all the shame and disgrace and self-loathing that goes with that I mean I'm working in this crazy bar that cut me down to one night a week and I started getting sober started going to meetings and a while goes by a guy says to me my sponsor says Paul why don't you go back to school I say I can't go back to school so what do you mean you can't go back to school what do we say around here nothing beats a failure but a try all we're asking you to do is try there's an important amount of times you fall down yes but it's more important amount of times you're willing to get back up again you'll take a class might think well what if I fail it well then you'll take it again okay I signed up I took a class I took another class I enjoyed because I was sober because I came out of the ether I was enjoying it got a degree got a second degree a two graduate degrees all because of alcoholics anonymous the principles of alcoholics anonymous showing up one class one day one class one day at a time got out of the bar business completely and I when I first I started I became a teacher and when I first started teaching I wanted to teach the brightest of the bright and that was alright for a while and now I work in special education and it's one of the great gifts of my life unfortunately I visit children's house go to children's houses who can't get to school and it keeps it green for me because it makes me realize that the problems I have today are luxury problems as long as I keep firm with alcoholics anonymous and keep my program in order I go to kids houses that are not going to get a high school diploma but they want to learn I love alcoholics anonymous I said there give me the ability to get back on life to start to live the life that God always want me to live before booze took me down another road and I come in to AA and I said there earlier on I thought this program Irish stoic stuff everything I didn't want to open up the steps I was walking around alcoholics anonymous I was full of resentment I walked around here with two hefty bags full of garbage stuff I was carrying stuff in the schoolyard and defending it I'm justifying and rationalizing it I won't move through those steps and I'm carrying this stuff and a guy I see in my life today says Paul you got to get free from the one guy you could never get free from which is yourself you got to live in the one place that you never live which is today and I was out of options again I've been the jumping-off place twice in my life once with drink once without drink different type of pain but pain nonetheless and I backed myself into a corner in alcoholics anonymous and the jumping-off place again and against my better judgment which is most things I started to put those steps into my life and finally get the freedom that they're talking about here and I'll tell you in my life caught on fire I turned around and tried to help another alcoholic, that's when great events came to pass in my life, that's when my life took on new meaning.
[01:00:03]
And things have happened in sobriety, as I say, the same things are happening to people out there, are happening to people in here, but something's different today. I've accessed a power that I never had before. I'll just tell you a little story, then I'll wrap up, because it tells me that it is one day at a time, it's a daily reprieve based upon my spiritual condition. I suffer, I'll be honest with you, I suffer from amnesia, I can forget like that, what's going on in Alcoholics Anonymous so easily, just, I mean, there's a couple of stories.
I went one time with my wife, she worked in the travel business, and we went away to the South Pacific, and we flew to Tahiti, took a boat to Maria, we're on this island, it's in the middle of nowhere, but there's no AA, and there's one problem on that island, me, without a program, and there's one road around the island, and nobody's driving those little golf carts, I rented a car, I'm cutting people off, you know, I'm driving like a lunatic.
I couldn't wait, I got back to Tahiti, I said, I gotta get to a meeting, it was in French, I said, I don't care, and I went, and the meeting was completely in French, Les Deux Etapes, the two of us, and I felt the warmth the minute I walked into the meeting. You know, it tells me that this is a daily reprieve based upon my spiritual condition. I'll just end on one story that reinforces that for me.
I was about 12 years sober, and we were moving into a new house, and we lived in an apartment, but my little daughter was getting older, and we're moving out of the house, there's nothing in the house, there's just a blow-up mattress, I'm there for the last night in the house, my wife's already gone with my daughter, I've just got to meet the guy, switch off the phone, hand over the keys, I'm laying in this blow-up mattress, and I have a heart attack.
It's like 3 o'clock in the morning, and I think I'm down, and for some reason, I don't know why, typical alcoholic, I wanted to see what I looked like, you know, so I dragged. That's why they put mirrors in bars, there's a reason for that, you know. And I finally, let me tell you, if you're ever going to have a heart attack, don't have it in a blow-up mattress, you know, I mean, I'm like a booted fish, you know, rolling back and forth, I look at myself, I'm completely yellow, my hands are shaking, the sweat's pouring off me, and my biggest fear is, I said, my wife's going to come here tomorrow with my daughter, open the door, and I'm going to land here dead, so I manage to get to the phone, I call her, anyway, they get an ambulance, they bring me to the local hospital, no, they bring me to this heart hospital in Long Island called Long Island Jewish Hospital, they got a 24-hour team on standby, so the ambulance screeches up, and there's all these people waiting there with clipboards, and doctors, and nurses, and they're asking all these questions, they're asking them on a scale of 1 to 10, you know, and all this here, and the lady's like, is this your wife?
Yes, yes, that's my wife. And we see a cross around your neck, are you a Catholic? I'm like, why is it better from Jewish, you know, I'm a typical alcoholic, I'm going to keep all my options open, you know. The surgeon comes in, like, Oy vey, can you believe this happened? So they got me on the table, I flat-lined on the table, I'm dead for like three minutes, I have the whole after-death experience, I'm like, I remember thinking to myself, like an alcoholic, I remember thinking to myself, I'm dead, you know, this is not good at all.
I'm like, and there's this voice saying, keep walking, everybody will understand, everything will be alright, keep walking. But I thought of my little daughter, my wife, I said, I remember pleading with this, I can't stay here, I can't stay here, I can't stay here, the next thing I'm floating, bang, I'm back in my body again, there's a team of people around, he's back on line, the nurse was holding me, you give us a scare there, they got me, whatever, whatever, and figured out what the problem was, I had this problem from birth, put some hardware in there, and the point of my story is this, they're finally letting me leave from hospital, and I said to my wife, that's it, you're looking at the new me.
With the program, and this experience that I just had, I'm not going to get annoyed in traffic anymore, I'm not going to get annoyed, because my wife goes, everywhere you go, you're next, you know, who's next, it's me, you know, and sure enough, for about a week and a half, I was like the Dalai Lama of Long Island, you know, somebody would cut me off, I'd be like,
[01:05:03]
would he be with you, my brother, go right ahead, you must get to the toll booth, go right ahead, I've been to the other side, this is not important, really, believe me, but I'm an alcoholic, I need a daily reprieve, I miss a few meetings, I'm not talking to my sponsor, and self-returns, like that, and that's why one alcoholic needs another, that's why Bill Wilson needed Dr. Bob and Bill Dee, and we're sitting here tonight, with hand and heart to our spiritual ancestors, we're recipients of what those guys did, and opened those doors, and kept them open, in the days when our futures hung by a thread, I'll be quite honest with you, I never took sobriety for granted, but I took AA for granted, yeah, there's a meeting down there, three nights a week, what's the big deal, they're lucky that I'm going, and you stay around here, and you learn about the history, and you realise how precarious this thing is, and could still be today, if we don't watch our self-will, so I'll tell you, as Bob says to Bill, getting this thing caught up with Freudian complexes that have no business here in AA, what are we at, it's one alcoholic having another alcoholic, I talked about it here tonight in my own life, I'm not here at the customer service desk wanting to return this gift, it's the greatest thing, the greatest event in my life, is coming to Alcoholics Anonymous, I haven't, if you're new here tonight, I haven't taken a drink, we haven't taken a drink, since I walked in those doors, over 19 years ago, thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous, and thank Alcoholics Anonymous for God, and if you'll allow me for a few seconds, I'd like to end, there's two things that are near and dear to my heart, one's called Ireland, and one's called Alcoholics Anonymous, James Joyce said in one of his books, he was talking about Dublin, but it's so indicative of Alcoholics Anonymous, he says, here comes everybody, look around, we're all here, and he said in one of his other books, which I disagree with, he says, Ireland sober is Ireland stale, that might be true Mr Joyce, before 1946, but now we have AA, so the two things that are near and dear to my heart is Alcoholics Anonymous and Ireland, and if you'll bear with me, I'd just like to leave you with a few words, may the road rise to meet you, may the wind be always at your back, may the sun shine warm upon your face, the rains fall soft upon your fields, and until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hand. It's a blessing, thank you so much for inviting me here tonight, and thanks a lot, that's all I'll say.