Transcript

[00:01.7 – 00:04.2] We have this gentleman that's speaking for us tonight. [00:04.2 – 00:10.4] Uh, if you miss anything he has to say, you can read it later in the fourth edition of the big book. [00:10.4 – 00:12.8] And with nothing further, I give you Paul G. [00:12.8 – 00:16.0] from the Newburgh Group in Cleveland, Ohio. [00:16.0 – 00:28.6] How [00:28.6 – 00:28.6] are you? [00:28.6 – 00:28.6] Thank you. [00:28.6 – 00:29.1] My name is Paul. [00:29.1 – 00:29.7] I'm an alcoholic. [00:29.7 – 00:31.0] Hi, Paul. [00:31.0 – 00:33.8] The Serenity Prayer, please. [00:33.8 – 00:44.2] God- God- Grant me the serenity- Grant me the serenity- To accept the things I cannot change- To accept the things I cannot change- The courage to change the things I can- The courage to change the things I can- And the wisdom [00:44.2 – 00:45.1] to know the difference. [00:45.1 – 00:47.1] Amen And the wisdom to know the difference. [00:47.1 – 00:50.7] Amen I'd like to thank for being asked to come up here first off. [00:50.7 – 00:53.7] Um, I'm not sure who asked me after that. [00:53.7 – 00:58.1] There's about– But I'd like to thank the four people that asked me to speak tonight. [00:58.1 – 01:05.0] The group for being here for nineteen years, 'cause really, um, that's what this night's all about. [01:05.0 – 01:15.0] You know, and, and we were talking before the meeting and, and seeing people outside of the meeting circumstances a-and just acting nuts [01:15.0 – 01:19.5] or goofy or ra– was a, a clarifying moment for me in my early sobriety. [01:19.5 – 01:23.0] And I've seen a few act nuts and goofy here tonight, you know. [01:23.0 – 01:33.2] And, uh, really– And sharing, um, really my two favorite things, uh, food and sobriety is– nowadays is what, what I love, you know. [01:33.2 – 01:36.3] And, and coming here and, and sharing this with you guys. [01:36.3 – 01:39.0] One more, one more hand for the group and for Bob. [01:39.0 – 01:48.3] I'm sure Bob's, uh, glad we're all sober tonight also. [01:48.3 – 01:51.2] As, as we tear this place down. [01:51.2 – 01:55.3] This, um– You know what? [01:55.3 – 02:02.2] Everything that, uh– When I look at my life, everything I got good in my life is, is a direct result of Alcoholics Anonymous. [02:02.2 – 02:12.5] You know, the, the, the people I got in my life and, and my family, my job, uh, e-everything, I, I look back at walking in through the door of Alcoholics [02:12.5 – 02:22.6] Anonymous, um, in September fifteenth, nineteen ninety-one, and, uh, you– people showing me my way to a higher power, to a God of my [02:22.6 – 02:24.5] understanding, faith, and reliance in that. [02:24.5 – 02:27.1] A-and bottom line, that's where it all comes from. [02:27.1 – 02:29.5] And before I go any further, I, I say that. [02:29.5 – 02:33.1] You know, a-and the second thing is I never expected any of this. [02:33.1 – 02:35.4] You know, I ne-never expected. [02:35.4 – 02:42.3] I was just looking to keep the feds off my back coming– You know, it's, uh, a-a-and really, you know, I, I didn't, um… [02:42.3 – 02:52.1] You know, there's a, there's a story about this, um, this rock star decided to hang, hang it up, and he, and he's gonna change his life. [02:52.1 – 03:02.1] And he pulls up outside of the old, um, the AA Club and, a-and he's in his big white limousine, and there's a couple of ladies in evening gowns and cash everywhere and a fully stocked bar and all that. [03:02.1 – 03:13.1] And the old timer comes out and looks in-inside, o-opens up the door, looks inside, looks around, and he tells the guy, he says, "You know, you don't have to live like this anymore." [03:13.1 – 03:16.3] And, and you know what? [03:16.3 – 03:18.6] That's exactly the way AA got me. [03:18.6 – 03:19.9] I wasn't expecting it. [03:19.9 – 03:21.2] They, they blindsided me. [03:21.2 – 03:26.1] You know, it's, uh, what– It was, uh– I didn't expect it at all. [03:26.1 – 03:29.3] And, uh, I don't know. [03:29.3 – 03:34.0] A-and I– For a long time, I felt I didn't, didn't deserve it either, you know. [03:34.0 – 03:36.8] But– So that's why, uh, I got work to do. [03:36.8 – 03:46.4] You know, s-come to find out I got some work to do to keep this thing and, and to keep, um, e-everything, uh, rolling along real nice. [03:46.4 – 03:56.9] And that's why when four people ask me to come and talk at this place up in, um, another state, uh, competing s– competing neighbor state like, uh, Pittsburgh. [03:56.9 – 03:58.9] Where this is Pittsburgh country, right? [03:58.9 – 03:59.4] Yeah. [03:59.4 – 04:00.4] Oh, well. [04:00.4 – 04:03.8] You can't help it. [04:03.8 – 04:04.8] I know. [04:04.8 – 04:06.0] Oh. [04:06.0 – 04:06.6] Oh. [04:06.6 – 04:08.7] Sorry. [04:08.7 – 04:11.7] Um, but it was real bad for me. [04:11.7 – 04:19.7] You know, when I first came in, I was, um, I didn't wear nice clothes. [04:19.7 – 04:22.7] I didn't smell nice. [04:22.7 – 04:25.9] You know, nothing was, uh, nothing was really good in my life. [04:25.9 – 04:31.5] And it, and it all– And it was really that way for a lot of years, but I was clueless as to why or how to change anything. [04:31.5 – 04:34.0] You know, I st- I started drinking when I was a thirteen-year-old kid. [04:34.0 – 04:39.5] And if there's one thing I can remember about that, it was that I got more than my share, you know. [04:39.5 – 04:45.1] And, and I remember I was in this, um, a couple of buddies of mine st- uh, stole a bottle. [04:45.1 – 04:49.4] It was Corby's, which was a nasty liquor if there ever was one. [04:49.4 – 04:59.4] But, uh, we stole this bottle of Corby's and, you know– And after I had a couple of slugs at that, I felt different, you know. [04:59.4 – 05:01.3] And I, I found myself wanting more. [05:01.3 – 05:07.6] And really, um, while their backs were turned, I'd take an extra hit off of that bottle. [05:07.6 – 05:11.6] And, and aft– at– shortly after, I'd say, "Look," and they'd all look. [05:11.6 – 05:14.1] And while they were looking, I'd take another hit off of that bottle. [05:14.1 – 05:24.7] And, and I, I paid the consequences for that that night, uh, in that I was lying in a puddle of puke o-out by the trees, and they were sleeping, snuggling in their sleeping bags, [05:24.7 – 05:25.1] you know. [05:25.1 – 05:35.1] And, um, it's not the last puddle of puke I was lying 'cause, uh, uh, it was pretty much, um, a snapshot of the rest of my drinking or, [05:35.1 – 05:37.4] or a lot of the drinking that went on through my life. [05:37.4 – 05:40.1] You know, too much, too fast, getting more than my share. [05:40.1 – 05:43.1] And that was o-one of the big problems in my life. [05:43.1 – 05:48.0] See, 'cause, um, I was a selfish, self-centered kid, you know. [05:48.0 – 05:51.9] And I was always, uh, looking to get more than my share out of life. [05:51.9 – 06:01.8] You know, trying to shoot some kinda angle, uh, play some kinda game, you know, manipulate my circumstances in some kinda way to get what I wanted, uh, to get. [06:01.8 – 06:07.3] And, um- Never knowing that it was starting to create a problem even back then. [06:07.3 – 06:14.2] And then, and then on through school, you know, all through school, they said I was never working up to my potential. [06:14.2 – 06:20.3] I'm sure I'm the only one in here that ever heard that, you know. [06:20.3 – 06:25.6] And, and I wasn't, you know, looking back and I wasn't. [06:25.6 – 06:30.9] I could have done a bunch of things, but I was, I took the easy way. [06:30.9 – 06:32.9] You know, I took the path of least resistance, you know. [06:32.9 – 06:40.4] And my parents, you know, my dad was, my dad was a real law and order type guy growing up. [06:40.4 – 06:42.1] You know, he was an ex-Cleveland cop. [06:42.1 – 06:48.9] He was, he used to be Elliot Ness' bodyguard when Elliot Ness used to be a law director in Cleveland back in the 30s, you know. [06:48.9 – 06:52.1] And he was a self-made man and he didn't like liars. [06:52.1 – 06:54.9] He was a trained interrogator. [06:54.9 – 06:57.0] Yeah, and I, and I was a little liar. [06:57.0 – 07:02.3] So we didn't get along real well for, for, for a long time. [07:02.3 – 07:12.2] But, you know, they tried their best with me, you know, and they tried to give me the, you know, we weren't well off or anything, but I certainly didn't go hungry or any of that. [07:12.2 – 07:22.2] And they tried to give me a good Christian upbringing as they saw it and send me to schools that, that they thought were [07:22.2 – 07:25.0] the right thing and, and I would have none of it, you know. [07:25.0 – 07:28.3] And, and somewhere I, you know, I was reading the newspapers. [07:28.3 – 07:31.7] It was in the mid-60s and they were talking about this thing going on in California. [07:31.7 – 07:36.0] I said, "Now that's for me." You know, so I think it was 68. [07:36.0 – 07:42.7] I packed up my guitar and packed up a suitcase and bought a one-way ticket to San Francisco. [07:42.7 – 07:49.1] It was 60 bucks and fully intended on spending my life out there and, and, and, and that's what I did. [07:49.1 – 07:50.8] The first night I went out to the… [07:50.8 – 07:51.8] I had to see the ocean. [07:51.8 – 07:57.2] So I walked straight, I got into the city, walked straight to the ocean, carrying all my luggage and stuff in my… [07:57.2 – 08:07.8] And I slept on the beach that night or on the rocks above the beach and it was, those sea lions kept you up all night long [08:07.8 – 08:09.0] barking and… [08:09.0 – 08:19.0] So then I moved down to the Embarcadero the next day and that's the San Francisco waterfront and when it was really a San Francisco waterfront, you know, the fog horns and the [08:19.0 – 08:22.1] big rats and, and the flashing neon signs. [08:22.1 – 08:32.6] And, and I, I, I felt strangely at home there because there was winos sitting at all the, sleeping in the doorways and that type of thing and, and it was, I'll [08:32.6 – 08:38.0] tell you what, it was a, a quite an experience for a young kid from the Midwest just, just… [08:38.0 – 08:39.2] But I was loving it. [08:39.2 – 08:40.8] You know, I was having the time of my life. [08:40.8 – 08:45.5] I was too young and stupid to know any better, you know, and, and I was… [08:45.5 – 08:55.5] And on Friday nights, we'd go up to that little dance hall above the, the Cadillac dealership to hear the house band and it was, house band was the Grateful Dead and this place was [08:55.5 – 08:56.3] called the Fillmore. [08:56.3 – 09:02.4] And, and, you know, they'd, and it was, it was, you know, and they'd stay there all night long. [09:02.4 – 09:11.5] You know, they'd start at 6:00 and we wind up about 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning and oftentimes just sleep on the, the floor in a place and do it again the next day. [09:11.5 – 09:15.7] And then there was Berkeley and I was, I slept on campus there for a while. [09:15.7 – 09:18.9] Not in the dorms, underneath the trees. [09:18.9 – 09:20.7] The sycamore groves, I would… [09:20.7 – 09:30.9] And, but I'd always go back to my Embarcadero roots and in the winter, the, the farm workers would come up from the artichoke [09:30.9 – 09:31.4] fields. [09:31.4 – 09:39.7] And it's with these guys that I learned how to drink out of a paper bag, you know, because they had purity of intention in life and I, I kind of liked that. [09:39.7 – 09:41.0] They led a simple life. [09:41.0 – 09:50.2] You know, they'd spend all their mon- They'd pick artichokes, then they'd come up to the city and spend all their money buying that cheap store liquor, that supermarket. [09:50.2 – 09:56.1] And I, I found, I found a new friend over there. [09:56.1 – 09:57.4] It was called Mad Dog. [09:57.4 – 10:01.6] You guys too, huh? [10:01.6 – 10:07.5] It's right on, it says wine of the century right on the bottle, huh? [10:07.5 – 10:11.8] Nectar of the gods, we used to call it. [10:11.8 – 10:16.9] But I, and I loved, I, so and I carried that with me for a lot of years. [10:16.9 – 10:23.1] And, and it really, it would fit nice, it would fit, at that time, it would fit nicely behind my belt. [10:23.1 – 10:30.1] You know, not so much anymore, but it came in a thin, thin flask bottle and it was under a dollar. [10:30.1 – 10:32.3] You know, what more could a guy ask for? [10:32.3 – 10:43.1] But, and, and these are the tastes and the experiences I brought back to, to Ohio with me when they kicked me out of the state for ill [10:43.1 – 10:44.6] behavior, so to speak. [10:44.6 – 10:47.7] So I ended up back, you know, I ended up right back in high school. [10:47.7 – 10:57.7] You know, and that's, with all this stuff in my head and, and my, my brain certainly wasn't on that and I kept on going through the schools and I got kicked out of [10:57.7 – 11:00.0] five high schools after that. [11:00.0 – 11:02.9] And really the same pattern started happening in my jobs. [11:02.9 – 11:12.1] I would start losing jo- My first job out of high school was in the pharmaceutical industry, kind of. [11:12.1 – 11:18.4] They, they, I was, I was the night cleaner at a drug store. [11:18.4 – 11:19.1] You know, they… [11:19.1 – 11:23.2] You know, there is a God. [11:23.2 – 11:25.7] You know, they gave, they gave, that's what I thought at the time. [11:25.7 – 11:31.4] You know, they gave me the key and I was fired for theft before too long, believe me. [11:31.4 – 11:35.6] And my, my second job though was, it was another cleaning job. [11:35.6 – 11:43.8] I was, they were gonna give me another try and they sent me to one of these little vocational schools where they taught shop and auto body and all this type of thing, woodworking and stuff. [11:43.8 – 11:47.4] And, and I remember thinking on, on Friday night, I'm gonna… [11:47.4 – 11:48.7] They thought I was working there. [11:48.7 – 11:49.6] I was casing the place. [11:49.6 – 11:53.8] And I'm gonna steal all their tools or micrometers. [11:53.8 – 11:56.2] I, I forget what I was gonna steal, but I was gonna steal it all. [11:56.2 – 11:58.4] And I never made it. [11:58.4 – 12:04.0] On Thursday night, found me in jail for assaulting a police officer with a deadly weapon. [12:04.0 – 12:05.7] You know? [12:05.7 – 12:09.3] And Mom didn't bring me up that way. [12:09.3 – 12:18.9] You know, that day when I wake up, uh, I, I'm not planning on getting in that kind of trouble, assaulting a, a police officer with, you know, uh, walking down that road that day. [12:18.9 – 12:24.5] But that's, that's the road, and it was all a direct result of my alcoholism. [12:24.5 – 12:28.0] You know, not that I knew it at the time. [12:28.0 – 12:31.4] It wa- it was all in, in pursuit of, you know. [12:31.4 – 12:34.2] And, um, actually, that's what it was. [12:34.2 – 12:39.7] It was in pursuit of 'cause it was just like you see on TV nowadays, except they didn't have the helicopters. [12:39.7 – 12:40.8] But it was a wild chase. [12:40.8 – 12:49.5] This, this involved a wild chase and, uh, up on two wheels, you know, around corners, uh, police in hot pursuit over people's front yards and all that. [12:49.5 – 12:58.4] My escape vehicle was a, a '66 Volkswagen Beetle with a slipping clutch. [12:58.4 – 13:06.5] You know, I'd seen Bullitt, the mo– but, uh, it didn't translate at all. [13:06.5 – 13:08.8] And, uh, but, you know what? [13:08.8 – 13:14.2] I ended up, um, I ended up getting off that one, kinda. [13:14.2 – 13:19.0] It, it, it was, uh, with pro– uh, it was an angle. [13:19.0 – 13:20.2] You know, there was a technicality. [13:20.2 – 13:20.9] That's what they call it. [13:20.9 – 13:24.1] I got a tech– I got off on a technicality, you know. [13:24.1 – 13:27.6] And, um, I got a big break on that one, and I thought, "Great," you know. [13:27.6 – 13:29.9] It's, uh, uh, I, I'm scot-clean. [13:29.9 – 13:39.9] And you know, and, and after getting sober, I'm in Alcoholics Anonymous, and I heard some guy, you know the way you hear peop– it was a moment of clarity, uh, the way you hear people, and they can say the [13:39.9 – 13:42.2] same things 50 times. [13:42.2 – 13:43.8] But the 51st time, you hear it. [13:43.8 – 13:53.9] And some guy stood up at the Hillcrest Group and said, "You know, I got so many breaks, but I never learned a thing from them." You know, [13:53.9 – 13:58.0] I'm like, "Man, that was me." Uh, you know, I got a break. [13:58.0 – 14:00.3] I, I got break after break after break. [14:00.3 – 14:04.3] This particular one was a big one, and, and, but it, it, it never ended. [14:04.3 – 14:12.1] It, it seemed like I was, um, untouchable for a long time, and I, I, I got all those breaks and never learned anything from them. [14:12.1 – 14:22.1] As soon as the heat was off, and, and, and the police door slammed, and they didn't see me, or I didn't get caught, or I escaped this, this, uh, situation or that one, uh, [14:22.1 – 14:28.4] I'd, you know, no matter what prayers, no matter what heartfelt prayers I had said, "I'll never do this again. [14:28.4 – 14:31.4] God, please, if you'll let me off of this one," you know. [14:31.4 – 14:36.5] A-and I, and I had full intentions, and I had, I had, uh, depth when I said those prayers. [14:36.5 – 14:41.2] You know, they were, they were, um, they were, uh, uh, they were meant. [14:41.2 – 14:45.3] You know, I, I meant– you know, and if I, if I lose my place, it's just the brain damage. [14:45.3 – 14:48.1] You know, sometimes I'll, I'll struggle for words. [14:48.1 – 14:54.3] But, but, you know, I, I just wanted these prayers to work so bad, and, and they would. [14:54.3 – 15:04.3] You know, and I can remember three or four or five times throughout my life when I had to resort to one of these prayers, when I had to really bring out the big guns and say a prayer from the [15:04.3 – 15:06.2] heart, you know, and they worked. [15:06.2 – 15:09.5] And, and I'd walk away. [15:09.5 – 15:12.4] I never learned from that lesson. [15:12.4 – 15:19.8] You know, I never, never picked up on that, that end of it 'cause, uh, now the heat was off, and, and my power came back to me. [15:19.8 – 15:22.6] You know, and I was, I was back on my way. [15:22.6 – 15:30.2] So I'm, I'm going through all these jobs, and I'm, I'm losing them and getting them and, and, um, and I started losing friends. [15:30.2 – 15:34.3] You know, I'm getting a little older, and things are getting serious, and we're going out and drinking all the time, you know. [15:34.3 – 15:38.8] Uh, uh, always our drinking was described, "Let's go." We didn't go out and tip a few. [15:38.8 – 15:41.9] We didn't go out and, um, have a couple social drinks. [15:41.9 – 15:46.1] We always went out and get messed up, or let's get blasted, or let's get annihilated. [15:46.1 – 15:50.3] Let's– a-and it was, um, uh, pedal to the metal drinking. [15:50.3 – 16:00.4] You know, I, I had a Harley Dav– or, uh, I picked up a taste for motorcycles, and I was, uh, drag racing these motorcycles, and there would be a group of us, and, and that [16:00.4 – 16:02.2] was our life. [16:02.2 – 16:07.2] You know, we, we made a career and a life, and, and that's the only thing that drove us. [16:07.2 – 16:17.3] And, uh, we would, uh, we'd be bar to bar, and I'd hop in that motorcycle, and I'd slip that Mad Dog down the front of my pants, and, and it, and, uh, pretty mu– usually, [16:17.3 – 16:18.5] that's all I would remember. [16:18.5 – 16:22.3] You know, but, but I do remember glimpses here and there. [16:22.3 – 16:30.2] It wa– the things that happened throughout the night after that and, you know, I remember, uh, running off the road. [16:30.2 – 16:37.1] You know, I remember, uh, uh, aiming at mailboxes and, and, and just having them whiz past my elbows many times. [16:37.1 – 16:44.3] Uh, um, you know, I don't– how, how I never killed myself, I really don't know 'cause, uh, uh, there were many, many blackouts. [16:44.3 – 16:51.3] You know, uh, I wouldn't remember the end of my drinking on, on most nights when we started like that, you know. [16:51.3 – 16:58.9] And, and w– a-and as long as I'm at that, one, once started, I couldn't moderate. [16:58.9 – 17:02.7] That's, that's what– I couldn't really– I couldn't do anything about it. [17:02.7 – 17:10.9] It was just like I'd gotten on a train, and, and no matter what came along in life, uh, you know, I remember many, uh, and I, I started drinking at these bars. [17:10.9 – 17:15.7] You know, I got a job in the steel mills, and we were drinking at these steel mill bars with a bunch of really hard chargers. [17:15.7 – 17:18.2] You know, and I wanted to be like these guys. [17:18.2 – 17:20.3] So that's, that's what I would do. [17:20.3 – 17:25.9] I'd go in there and, uh, and I'd try to hold my liquor like the, like the big dogs. [17:25.9 – 17:29.9] And, and I– so I would, I would try. [17:29.9 – 17:40.2] And, and no matter what I had to do, if it be it, uh, uh, court dates or, uh, anniversaries, my mom's anniversary, uh, with my dad [17:40.2 – 17:48.2] or, um, you know, rent payments or no matter what I had to do, uh, uh, drinking was always primary, and everything else was secondary. [17:48.2 – 17:53.1] And, and, uh, it wasn't long before it started happening during the day also. [17:54.1 – 18:00.5] You know, so it wasn't just missing the holiday dinners or the Christmas dinners or, um, whatever, you know. [18:00.5 – 18:04.2] But it was, it was happening during the day, you know. [18:04.2 – 18:05.1] And there, and there was… [18:05.1 – 18:06.2] And I, I couldn't see. [18:06.2 – 18:16.2] You know, I remember one time I was in one of these, uh, steel mill bars, and there was this one guy, uh, by the name of Fritz who was really– He was legendary as one of the worst alcoholics down at, down at the steel mills. [18:16.2 – 18:26.3] And, uh, we happened to be, uh, sitting together at a table one day and he, you know, over sharing a, a beer, and he looked up at me and says, "You know, you [18:26.3 – 18:28.0] got a problem," he says to me. [18:28.0 – 18:30.1] And I was, I was horrified. [18:30.1 – 18:30.6] You know, I… [18:30.6 – 18:31.9] "Me? [18:31.9 – 18:40.4] You know, you're the one with the problem." Uh, but, you know, he, he even, even Fritz saw it through his alcoholic haze, thinking I'm the guy with the problem. [18:40.4 – 18:42.8] You know, I remember that. [18:42.8 – 18:44.3] I remember that. [18:44.3 – 18:52.2] And, uh, but I had the unique ability to ignore the truth, you know, and I did at most opportunities. [18:52.2 – 18:56.4] It's, uh, uh, I, I, I couldn't face myself. [18:56.4 – 18:58.8] You know, I had no choice, and I, I went on. [18:58.8 – 19:05.9] And, and so, you know, I'm getting in more and more trouble all the time, and, and eventually I ended up getting in some real trouble. [19:05.9 – 19:07.7] You know, uh, I caught a… [19:07.7 – 19:11.5] Uh, I know what it means when they say you make a federal case out of something. [19:11.5 – 19:18.4] I didn't see what the big deal was, but they take their stuff seriously, so… [19:18.4 – 19:20.9] And, and they, they have a way of dragging it out too. [19:20.9 – 19:21.5] I'm telling you. [19:21.5 – 19:25.1] It's, uh, years. [19:25.1 – 19:30.2] And, and so I'm walking around with this hole in my stomach for years wondering, uh… [19:30.2 – 19:31.1] But I don't care. [19:31.1 – 19:32.3] You know, it's, uh… [19:32.3 – 19:35.2] I was medi– I was, uh, uh, just drinking it away. [19:35.2 – 19:40.8] You know, I was, I was, uh, curing what ailed me in the only way I knew how. [19:40.8 – 19:51.1] And I would sit in that s– in that bar and look in that mirror through all them colored glass bottles and, um, like I had done for years, you [19:51.1 – 19:51.2] know. [19:51.2 – 19:53.5] And I was, I was, I was fast losing hope. [19:53.5 – 19:54.1] I was alone. [19:54.1 – 19:56.1] All my friends had long since died. [19:56.1 – 19:59.7] All the guys I grew up with, uh, I mean, you know, I had all, all kinds of friends. [19:59.7 – 20:06.7] All the guys, um, um, that we all rode together and all the guys, we all went out to the drag strip together. [20:06.7 – 20:07.8] We grew up together. [20:07.8 – 20:15.2] And one by one, you know, Donnie died, um, with a baseball bat in the side of his head behind a bar. [20:15.2 – 20:19.4] And, and Butch died in front of, uh, some downtown methadone clinic. [20:19.4 – 20:25.0] And, and, uh, Stanley died from cirrhosis of the liver after a transplant. [20:25.0 – 20:28.0] Frankie died from cirrhosis of the liver after a transplant. [20:28.0 – 20:31.7] Pat, Pat Daly died on the Mexican border, you know. [20:31.7 – 20:34.6] And, and, and Ben di– We don't know how he died. [20:34.6 – 20:38.9] Billy died, uh, on the back of a Harley at a hundred miles an hour. [20:38.9 – 20:43.9] You know, Bob died on the back of a Harley at a hundred miles an hour drinking, you know. [20:43.9 – 20:46.0] And, and these were my closest friends. [20:46.0 – 20:51.5] You know, uh, "Why me?" I would think, you know. [20:51.5 – 20:56.8] And that's, and that's why– So I'm sitting in this bar alone, looking in this mirror, wondering, uh, what next, you know. [20:56.8 – 20:57.8] And, and I would, um… [20:57.8 – 21:06.7] And really, I, this, this was my best– The best moment of my day was somewhere between maybe four and six drinks. [21:06.7 – 21:09.4] You know, it was my window of opportunity in life. [21:09.4 – 21:14.2] And, and, uh, you know, it's when I would shoot up my rocket, really. [21:14.2 – 21:18.0] Just like NASA, they shoot up their rocket between the time one cloud comes and the other one. [21:18.0 – 21:20.9] And, and that was me, you know. [21:20.9 – 21:23.5] And it, it– And that's when I felt good. [21:23.5 – 21:32.9] So, uh, when I woke up in the morning, uh, every– All, my whole day would be focused on that brief moment between four and six drinks, and I wish I could keep that open as long as I could, but I couldn't. [21:32.9 – 21:35.5] You know, and I would try, um, moderating. [21:35.5 – 21:37.7] I would try, uh, mixing. [21:37.7 – 21:38.8] I would try different drinks. [21:38.8 – 21:45.3] But, uh, you know, beer, wine, uh, different kinds of liquor. [21:45.3 – 21:47.2] None of it worked, you know. [21:47.2 – 21:51.9] And, and, and, uh, jeez, I, if I could only stretch that out, but I couldn't. [21:51.9 – 21:58.9] And that, and really that's when, you know, my jokes were funny, and the girls were pretty, and I was shooting good stick, you know. [21:58.9 – 22:09.5] But, uh- Pretty soon after that, after five, six, seven, eight, you know, I would, I would work my way back down to the end of the bar, away from the bright lights and the cash register, [22:09.5 – 22:10.6] you know, and I'd spend the rest… [22:10.6 – 22:12.9] And this is, I'm, uh– It might be seven o'clock in the evening. [22:12.9 – 22:18.5] And I'd spend the rest of the night down there, you know, and there was nothing I could do to break myself out of that. [22:18.5 – 22:22.8] You know, I had a buddy that says– We were sitting down on the, on the chair and he says, um… [22:22.8 – 22:32.2] And it was a beautiful s– uh, beautiful autumn day with, uh, the leaves were all turning colors, and it was seventy degrees, and the birds were chirping. [22:32.2 – 22:43.4] And he looks at me, he says, "Paul," he says, you know, "On days like this, I wish the bar had a retractable roof." And [22:43.4 – 22:44.9] it made sense to me. [22:44.9 – 22:50.0] 'Cause we're going there, and there's nothing… [22:50.0 – 22:50.9] And that's, that's it. [22:50.9 – 22:51.5] That's our life. [22:51.5 – 22:52.8] There's nothing we can do. [22:52.8 – 22:54.8] There, there was… [22:54.8 – 23:00.4] I mean, it, it was a predetermined destiny that we were he- You know, it was, that's, that was it. [23:00.4 – 23:01.5] That was our lives. [23:01.5 – 23:03.6] Oh my gosh. [23:03.6 – 23:16.1] So I, I ended up getting into this trouble and, um, it, it was a clarifying experience, talk about one, uh, dealing with these guys and, and [23:16.1 – 23:18.5] they put this, um, put this… [23:18.5 – 23:24.0] And really they called me in there and they put this piece of paper and it had that fancy United States writing on it, you know, like… [23:24.0 – 23:34.5] And across the top it says, "The United States of America versus-" "-Paul." [23:34.5 – 23:40.1] And I'm thinking, "Yeah," you know, "We're the opponent at last," you know. [23:40.1 – 23:42.7] "Bring it on." You know. [23:42.7 – 23:50.7] You know, but, uh, and, and really that was my first, that was my, the bravado, if you will, or, uh, you know. [23:50.7 – 23:52.6] And, and I, I remember the same thing. [23:52.6 – 24:00.2] I remember sitting on a street corner with those winos in San Francisco mocking the good people going, going to and from their jobs in the morning. [24:00.2 – 24:02.8] You know, and it was the same kind of thing. [24:02.8 – 24:09.9] You know, I was, uh, contempt and disdain for, for the fi– uh, for, for good people doing the right things, the, the true heroes. [24:09.9 – 24:13.0] Uh, uh, heroic examples in my life. [24:13.0 – 24:18.6] I just glossed over all of that and ig- and ignored it all, you know? [24:18.6 – 24:25.2] And, and I was ignoring the lesson that the, the feds were trying to teach me that day, that I can't just do whatever I want. [24:25.2 – 24:27.1] And, and it, it, it just… [24:27.1 – 24:30.3] I, I missed it all, you know? [24:30.3 – 24:33.2] And finally, they sent me– they, uh, gave me a couple of choices. [24:33.2 – 24:38.6] They says, "Either get help or go to jail." And, and my life hung in the balance, and they gave me the choice. [24:38.6 – 24:39.7] You know, they didn't… [24:39.7 – 24:50.0] There was no mandated cou– and, and, "Either you get help or you go to jail." And I said, "Well, give me a week to think about it." [24:51.3 – 24:52.1] Literally. [24:52.1 – 24:54.3] Uh, and, and, uh, you might think… [24:54.3 – 24:55.5] And, and I did. [24:55.5 – 25:00.7] "And I'll get back to you." And it took me two. [25:00.7 – 25:04.5] Took me two weeks to get back to the guys, but I did. [25:04.5 – 25:14.9] I said, "And so a-after careful consideration and thought-" "-I, I came to the conclusion that I could always do their jail bit when this, uh, uh, treatment thing [25:14.9 – 25:18.9] fails." You know, and, and, uh, I didn't know what the treat… [25:18.9 – 25:20.5] It really wasn't a treatment thing. [25:20.5 – 25:23.7] It was just this unknown get help thing. [25:23.7 – 25:29.0] You know, 'cause I knew nothing about program or, or treatment or anything. [25:29.0 – 25:39.1] Um, but I still– I had insurance from the place that I, that I worked, and I said, "Look, I got…" I walked into the, uh, uh, one of the guys there that would– whose job it was [25:39.1 – 25:43.2] to help the employees, and he hooked me up with this place, and I went to this, you know… [25:43.2 – 25:44.7] And I was at my bottom. [25:44.7 – 25:47.1] Thank God. [25:47.1 – 25:57.1] You know, I see guys come in and out and sometimes, uh, to this day, and, and, um, a lot of them haven't accepted that they're at [25:57.1 – 25:58.7] their bottom, I guess. [25:58.7 – 26:00.6] You know? [26:00.6 – 26:01.6] They're not done. [26:01.6 – 26:02.7] I was done. [26:02.7 – 26:04.0] Thank God. [26:04.0 – 26:06.3] I was, you know, I was, um… [26:06.3 – 26:13.5] A-and really, I glossed over a lot of it, but, uh, it, it was years of pitiful, pitiful drinking. [26:13.5 – 26:17.6] Self-destructive, hurting all the, the, the people that loved me in my life. [26:17.6 – 26:21.6] Thinking, "Why don't, you know, why don't they just leave me alone? [26:21.6 – 26:25.5] I ain't hurting nobody." You know, but, uh, I would, um… [26:25.5 – 26:32.1] My house had garbage lined up. [26:32.1 – 26:38.6] You know, I had a little apartment in, in, in, in this, uh, on this little side street, and there was bags of garbage lined up by the door. [26:38.6 – 26:45.0] You know, this is a picture of my life just before, uh, uh, uh, just before the end, kinda. [26:45.0 – 26:45.4] You know? [26:45.4 – 26:46.5] And I, I was, um… [26:46.5 – 26:48.3] Everything was stolen. [26:48.3 – 26:50.1] I had just boxes of stolen stuff. [26:50.1 – 26:52.3] All of my, my carpet was stolen. [26:52.3 – 26:53.4] My table was stolen. [26:53.4 – 27:00.5] The plants I had, my crude attempts at making some kind of a little life for myself, everything was, uh, uh, stolen. [27:00.5 – 27:10.6] You know, there, there was the, the moldy hot dogs on the stove for when I come home at the bar at, uh, two thirty in the morning, turn on the hot dogs, and wake up on the floor at six with the, with all [27:10.6 – 27:11.6] the smoke in the air. [27:11.6 – 27:14.0] I know nobody's done that. [27:14.0 – 27:22.4] And, uh, you know, dirty dishes piled high in the sinks and the, you know, the utilities would shut off, so, from time to time. [27:22.4 – 27:29.7] And, uh, so if I didn't ha– if the electricity shut off, all the stuff in the refrigerator would go sour and melt, you know? [27:29.7 – 27:34.5] And I tried to get it open one day, but it was stuck shut, the refrigerator door. [27:34.5 – 27:41.9] So I ended up, I had to steal a couple of little apartment-sized refrigerators and, you know, and the toilet didn't flush, but it, uh, I used it anyway. [27:41.9 – 27:44.1] It'd go down sooner or later. [27:44.1 – 27:46.2] And, uh, the shower didn't work. [27:46.2 – 27:49.6] It was stopped up, and I didn't bother using it, you know? [27:49.6 – 27:56.4] And, and at, and at any given time, I might have had two weeks in my socks and four weeks in my jeans and six weeks in my underwear. [27:56.4 – 28:00.4] Is that too specific? [28:00.4 – 28:10.0] I know we're supposed to share in a general way, but. [28:10.0 – 28:11.8] I've– I'll stop, yeah. [28:11.8 – 28:21.9] Um, but I was– early in my, I was, I was, um, when I go to the bathroom, there'd be blood coming out, and I was, uh, my gums were bleeding, my hair was fall– I was dying. [28:21.9 – 28:23.2] You know? [28:23.2 – 28:25.0] I was dying, and I didn't care anymore. [28:25.0 – 28:29.6] And, and I just didn't care. [28:29.6 – 28:39.7] A-and this is the condition I was when I walked out of that place and into Alcoholics Anonymous, basically, [28:39.7 – 28:41.6] 'cause that's what they, they taught at this hospital. [28:41.6 – 28:49.6] You know, they, they dropped me off at the hospital and, and with my last pennies, uh, I walked in very inebriated at the hospital. [28:49.6 – 28:51.4] So I don't remember intake too much. [28:51.4 – 29:00.7] You know, I remember, um, being pretty sloppy and, uh, falling down or, uh, uh, pretty much making a spectacle of myself walking into this place. [29:00.7 – 29:07.8] And I ended up in detox for like seventeen days, um, which I didn't really need. [29:07.8 – 29:12.2] I wasn't that sick, but, uh, twelve or thirteen might have been enough. [29:12.2 – 29:22.2] But I remember, I remember, uh, people talking AA, and I, I remember people, uh, paying special attention that, um, [29:22.2 – 29:23.8] they were going out of their way. [29:23.8 – 29:33.8] I remember s-specifically my counselor arguing with the doctor, the treatment doctor who wrote all the orders, that he wants me off of detox and [29:33.8 – 29:36.6] in the general population 'cause he wants me in those groups every day. [29:36.6 – 29:40.2] He says, "I want my guy out of, out of detox. [29:40.2 – 29:44.0] I want him in groups." You know, he was– He wanted to start the process. [29:44.0 – 29:48.6] And, and I'm like: Man, dude, leave it alone. [29:48.6 – 29:52.3] You know, I- Why, why do, why do you care? [29:52.3 – 29:52.8] You know? [29:52.8 – 29:57.4] Leave it alo– You know, I was, I was getting special little sandwiches and an apple and stuff. [29:57.4 – 29:59.8] The little, little perks of detox. [29:59.8 – 30:01.1] You know, I wanted to nurse that along. [30:01.1 – 30:04.7] Dude, back off. [30:04.7 – 30:10.1] You know, uh, but, uh, but he was, he was– he had nine years at the time. [30:10.1 – 30:16.8] His name was Dave, and, um, you know, a-and I knew some of his story. [30:16.8 – 30:23.7] And what struck me at the time was that here was a, um, a guy who had a, a story pretty much like mine. [30:23.7 – 30:24.7] He was an ex-con. [30:24.7 – 30:31.2] He was, uh– he had hurt everybody in his life, and he had done a lot of nasty things, which he had shared with me in confidence, I thought. [30:31.2 – 30:33.6] He shared them with all us guys. [30:33.6 – 30:41.1] But y-yet he had an equal footing with the, uh, medical professionals in the place, you know? [30:41.1 – 30:47.0] And, and, um, he seemed to have their respect, I guess is what it was, you know? [30:47.0 – 30:50.0] And, and I– that, that was very puzzling to me. [30:50.0 – 30:59.4] 'Cause here's, here's this guy who I really related to, who obviously had the respect of the medical people in the place, and, and I just didn't get that. [30:59.4 – 31:00.6] But it caught my attention. [31:00.6 – 31:03.4] You know, he was carrying a message, you know? [31:03.4 – 31:09.0] And, and, and, and really he was, um, he was a really bright guy, and he had a sparkle in his eye. [31:09.0 – 31:14.4] And he, he was a, a fun-loving guy too, but he was deadly serious about sobriety, you know? [31:14.4 – 31:20.1] And, and , you know, so, uh, I listened to him. [31:20.1 – 31:21.6] I listened to him. [31:21.6 – 31:27.0] When he, when he pulled me aside when I was walking out, uh– He was walking out, uh, with– He had all these books. [31:27.0 – 31:30.2] He had all his MMPIs and his psychological evaluations. [31:30.2 – 31:38.0] And he was l- uh, leaving at, at five in the evening one day, and he caught me in the hallway all by myself and, and he said, "Hey, uh, come here," you know? [31:38.0 – 31:41.8] And he pulled me into an empty room, and he put down all those books as if to say… [31:41.8 – 31:50.4] He said, "First night you get out of here, I want you to go to a AA meeting." "That's it?" You know. [31:50.4 – 31:53.0] He said, he said, "No, make me promise." And he made me promise. [31:53.0 – 31:57.0] And there's honor among thieves, and he was certainly a thief, and I was certainly a thief. [31:57.0 – 32:00.2] And, uh, so I, I agreed, and I looked him straight in the eye. [32:00.2 – 32:05.8] "Okay, Dave, if it makes you happy, first night out of this place, I will go to an AA meeting. [32:05.8 – 32:07.0] Big deal. [32:07.0 – 32:17.3] Now let me go back and get some chow." And he said, "All right," and he picked up his little books, and he walked out of there, and the guy probably saved my life right [32:17.3 – 32:17.9] then and there. [32:17.9 – 32:23.0] A-and he doesn't even know it to this day, you know? [32:23.0 – 32:25.8] Uh, the other thing I remember about… [32:25.8 – 32:29.1] I went to my first AA meeting in the place too, you know? [32:29.1 – 32:33.2] And, and I– they made the inma- not inmates. [32:33.2 – 32:34.0] What do you call them? [32:34.0 – 32:35.0] The, the people that were… [32:35.0 – 32:35.9] Well, yeah. [32:35.9 – 32:39.7] They made us sit there and greet the people that were coming in from… [32:39.7 – 32:45.7] It was, uh, they allowed outside people to come in and bring a meeting in, uh, on Wednesday nights or whatever. [32:45.7 – 32:55.7] And I, I was sitting by the front door, and this, uh, pretty woman walks up to me with, uh, this big white smile and the white teeth and the nice long hair, and looks me in [32:55.7 – 32:57.1] the eyes and shakes my hand. [32:57.1 – 33:00.5] I was like, "Wow," you know, a firm grip and all that. [33:00.5 – 33:05.2] And we go into the- We go into the meeting room, and I'm sitting there. [33:05.2 – 33:15.2] You know, I'm sitting there with, with a plastic tag around my wrist and my pajamas and slippers, probably a few days from a good bath, and really I'm at my lowest point of life, [33:15.2 – 33:18.9] and I– there is nothing I know for sure in my life. [33:18.9 – 33:26.0] All the, all the, all the thoughts, all my closely most cherished beliefs I just found out were false. [33:26.0 – 33:28.6] You know, everything I thought was white turned out to be black. [33:28.6 – 33:30.8] Everything I thought was up turned out to be down. [33:30.8 – 33:34.2] You know, they showed me that in this place. [33:34.2 – 33:40.4] The only thing I knew for sure as I'm sitting in that meeting was that she wanted me. [33:40.4 – 33:42.7] I knew it. [33:42.7 – 33:48.2] I could, I could tell by the way she looked me in the eye and shook my hand. [33:48.2 – 33:49.8] I wasn't used to that. [33:49.8 – 33:57.0] I w, I wasn't- But you know, she did her job that night. [33:57.0 – 34:03.6] She, she carried a message of strength and hope that was, uh, uh, and depth and weight that was from the heart. [34:03.6 – 34:13.7] And, and I'm telling you, um, she got my attention, and she won– In the space of, uh, forty-five minutes, she won my respect. [34:13.7 – 34:15.9] You know? [34:15.9 – 34:18.2] She, she, uh, not that… [34:18.2 – 34:24.2] She just, she just had me riveted on the end of my seat with s- uh, uh, with some of the stuff she shared. [34:24.2 – 34:30.8] And no longer was I looking at her with the pig thinking that I was used to, uh, doing. [34:30.8 – 34:39.0] But, um, I, I saw her now as a different person, as a, a, a worthy, uh, loving, valuable human being. [34:39.0 – 34:42.2] A-and it happened in forty-five minutes, you know? [34:42.2 – 34:46.4] Heck, Mary gave me two hours tonight. [34:46.4 – 34:53.5] I sh- I should be able to do s- should be able to do something. [34:53.5 – 34:56.0] Oh, man. [34:56.0 – 35:01.1] So anyway, th– and this is, so this is what I left with when they, they kicked me out of the place and I get back on the streets. [35:01.1 – 35:11.3] And, um, I'm back out on the streets and, and they drop me off in my car, and it's two o'clock in the afternoon, and it was a sunny [35:11.3 – 35:11.8] day. [35:11.8 – 35:15.7] And, uh, I had ten bucks in my pocket. [35:15.7 – 35:19.2] And it was just like autopilot. [35:19.2 – 35:25.4] I found myself pulling into the back parking lot of my favorite watering hole, The Finn Cafe up on Broadway. [35:25.4 – 35:33.9] You know, what, what would be more natural for me with twenty-two days sober, probably the first twenty-two days I, uh, I had sober in years. [35:33.9 – 35:39.0] What would be more natural for me to go and want to mess it up, you know? [35:39.0 – 35:40.1] But, uh, but I… [35:40.1 – 35:43.1] So I walked in, I walked in the back door to… [35:43.1 – 35:44.8] And I, and I remembered all this. [35:44.8 – 35:47.7] It was like this all happened in minutes' time, but I remember wa- [35:47.9 – 35:57.9] Walking, closing the door and walking towards the door, and there's this long hallway off the back parking lot, and I'm thinking– The door slams behind me, and I'm already acutely aware of the smell of alcohol, and it hits me in [35:57.9 – 36:07.9] the face, and I'm, uh, I end up, um, "What, am I nuts?" You know, and, and the stuff at, at the hospital all started going through my mind, all that AA they were [36:07.9 – 36:18.2] throwing at me and the, uh, uh, the big book on the, you know, and, "Am I crazy?" And I'm, I'm at the bar, and, and my one concession to moderation at that moment was I, [36:18.2 – 36:20.3] I, I asked for my wash. [36:20.3 – 36:27.7] And when she comes back, I'm gonna, um, I'm gonna order my drink, my shot, you know? [36:27.7 – 36:38.0] And, um, and between the time she goes to get my wash and, and comes back, uh, to get my sh– uh, to order my shot, [36:38.0 – 36:47.9] uh, the thought crosses my mind: "Weren't you man enough to make it one day without a drink?" You know, after all those people did, did for you over there, that thought crosses my mind. [36:47.9 – 36:54.5] And when I thought about it, I guess, I guess I could make it one day without a drink. [36:54.5 – 37:00.1] Af– Actually, I wasn't physically ill at the moment, and I did promise Dave I'd go to a meeting that night. [37:00.1 – 37:03.7] And, and I didn't know whether you guys had breathalyzers here or what. [37:03.7 – 37:06.7] But– And I still had the feds I had to keep happy. [37:06.7 – 37:13.0] And so, all right, so I, I took a buck out of my pocket and I put it down on the bar. [37:13.0 – 37:15.3] I got up, and I walked out. [37:15.3 – 37:19.1] And the only thing I can chalk that up to is advanced grace. [37:19.1 – 37:22.5] It was, it was a long time before I recognized that as advanced grace. [37:22.5 – 37:26.9] It was even longer before I recognized that as one day at a time. [37:26.9 – 37:36.7] You know, 'cause that moment, that, that day right there, I decided– and it was, uh, probably the one most pivotal moment in my life. [37:36.7 – 37:42.5] I decided, no, I didn't have to do this right now. [37:42.5 – 37:43.6] And I got up, and I walked out. [37:43.6 – 37:44.7] 'Cause I had nothing else. [37:44.7 – 37:48.8] I walked out to that, my car where, where there was a big book, and there was the meeting schedule. [37:48.8 – 37:54.5] And I picked up that meeting schedule, and I found a meeting where I knew where it was, and I went, and I sat. [37:54.5 – 38:02.3] Uh, I, I pulled around the corner from the place, and I sat there for about five hours till eight o'clock that night and still walked in late. [38:02.3 – 38:05.3] You know? [38:05.3 – 38:06.3] Typical, you know. [38:06.3 – 38:08.3] I didn't, I didn't want to get there too early. [38:08.3 – 38:08.9] You know? [38:08.9 – 38:14.3] So two minutes to eight, I'm walking in through the door, and then some guy, you know, he, uh… [38:14.3 – 38:18.1] I don't know how they knew I was new. [38:18.1 – 38:21.8] Is, is why I'm st– I still wonder to this day. [38:21.8 – 38:31.9] Uh, they, they obviously recognized the fact, and they, uh, swooped me up, and they got me a cup of coffee, and they say, "Sit down here," uh, next to this, uh, um, next [38:31.9 – 38:32.3] to this kid. [38:32.3 – 38:39.8] And I started, uh, before the meeting, I started, uh, running my lies on him and telling him my story and, uh, you know, pumping it up a little bit and… [38:39.8 – 38:45.0] And he listened respectfully for a minute. [38:45.0 – 38:47.4] This kid has blonde hair, blue eyes, about twenty-one years old. [38:47.4 – 38:48.7] I was thirty-eight at the time. [38:48.7 – 38:56.3] And I, I'm all chains and leather and, and fry boots and stuff or, you know- -nasty, nasty looking. [38:56.3 – 39:02.7] And, and he, and he says, "You know," he says, "You're so full of it. [39:02.7 – 39:04.1] Your eyes are red. [39:04.1 – 39:06.8] Just sit there and listen." He was twenty-one years sober. [39:06.8 – 39:09.1] He had six year, uh, u-u– I mean, twenty-one years old. [39:09.1 – 39:11.0] He was six years sober in Alcoholics Anonymous. [39:11.0 – 39:12.8] Quality big book sobriety. [39:12.8 – 39:16.0] And this is the guy God set me down next to. [39:16.0 – 39:20.5] You know, I, and, uh, the message was coming from where I least expected it. [39:20.5 – 39:22.5] When I was look– A-and I, I didn't. [39:22.5 – 39:23.8] Really, I didn't at all. [39:23.8 – 39:27.0] You know, he blindsided me just like you guys did. [39:27.0 – 39:30.6] And, and the people in that room did their, did their job that night. [39:30.6 – 39:32.9] You know, they did their job. [39:32.9 – 39:34.3] They, they welcomed me. [39:34.3 – 39:38.8] You know, and I, and I recognized a certain degree of safety, I think, in the room. [39:38.8 – 39:48.2] You know, I felt safe, and I recognized in these people that they were people like me, you know, um, uh, who had been down a rough road maybe, some rougher than others. [39:48.2 – 39:51.1] A-and I, I could re– certainly relate to a lot of them. [39:51.1 – 39:57.2] And just like the people in this room tonight, uh, I, all walking the same direction in life with a common goal. [39:57.2 – 40:02.0] And, and I think, um, I had instinctually kinda recognized that that night. [40:02.0 – 40:03.8] A-and I felt that. [40:03.8 – 40:08.4] And so they did their job and, uh, gave me phone numbers and all that stuff. [40:08.4 – 40:11.1] And two days later, I did my job. [40:11.1 – 40:13.1] I used one of those phone numbers. [40:13.1 – 40:16.5] You know, and I called them up, and they said, "Well, sure. [40:16.5 – 40:18.2] You, uh, why don't you come on over? [40:18.2 – 40:28.2] Uh, we're having a big book study at some guy's house." So we sat around and read the big book, and they said, "And then we're going to a midnight meeting afterwards." "Midnight meetings?" "Yeah, yeah. [40:28.2 – 40:37.7] Come on to the midnight meeting." And they picked me up, and it, it really– It was a young, active g- uh, group of guys, a, a bunch of road dogs, and they just took me in and started dragging me around with them. [40:37.7 – 40:38.9] You know? [40:38.9 – 40:49.4] And, and the, and the next morning they say, "Well, let's go to the Carter Manor for a breakfast meeting." And it was downtown Cleveland, and it was this nasty, greasy eggs and, uh [40:49.4 – 40:49.6] … [40:49.6 – 40:52.9] It was terrible, but it was great, if you know what I mean. [40:52.9 – 40:58.2] You know, it was, um, it was, uh, I'll never forget those, those days. [40:58.2 – 41:02.4] And, and really, uh, a week later, I was in. [41:02.4 – 41:03.6] You know? [41:03.6 – 41:04.4] I was in. [41:04.4 – 41:08.4] Because I di- I didn't know what it was I was looking for, but I, I knew I didn't want what I had. [41:08.4 – 41:15.6] You know, and I, I wasn't sure I wanted what you guys had, but I knew I didn't want what I had, and what I was, what I was doing was better. [41:15.6 – 41:18.9] And, and, and two weeks later, I'd be riding down the road. [41:18.9 – 41:23.0] I, I couldn't believe that I had that, that I'd stayed sober. [41:23.0 – 41:24.8] Something was working. [41:24.8 – 41:27.5] A-and you talk about your ninety and ninety. [41:27.5 – 41:29.3] I probably did a hundred eighty and ninety. [41:29.3 – 41:30.4] You know? [41:30.4 – 41:31.1] I had a car. [41:31.1 – 41:34.4] I was i– I, I was in a three-quarter way house, and I was the only guy. [41:34.4 – 41:35.7] There were eight guys living in the place. [41:35.7 – 41:36.8] I was the only one with a car. [41:36.8 – 41:43.6] I went to a lot of meetings with a, with a car full of guys, and it was, uh, I wouldn't trade it for anything. [41:43.6 – 41:46.5] And, and, you know, and I ended up getting a sponsor. [41:46.5 – 41:48.2] And, um. [41:48.2 – 41:54.5] And these things, everything, everything was an epiphany. [41:54.5 – 42:04.9] You know, I was raw, I was new, and every, every revelation, you know, they would say, "Keep coming back." And I, and I, [42:04.9 – 42:05.4] why? [42:05.4 – 42:05.7] Why? [42:05.7 – 42:07.4] You know, you don't know me. [42:07.4 – 42:09.1] I mean, we're talking before to me. [42:09.1 – 42:12.1] You don't really know who you're talking to inside. [42:12.1 – 42:16.4] You know, I, I, I was looking at myself from the inside, all scummy and dirty. [42:16.4 – 42:20.1] So, so I was thought. [42:20.1 – 42:30.5] But, uh, it was, uh, it was, uh, um, you know, we were very active, and I was picking up guys and going here in coffee cups and ashtrays and reading the big book, and, [42:30.5 – 42:35.6] a-a-and, and no relationships for the first year. [42:35.6 – 42:42.1] You know, and, and of course, I would say, "Well, where is that in the big book?" You know? [42:42.1 – 42:44.8] Define relationship. [42:44.8 – 42:47.3] You know, typical new guy questions, you know? [42:47.3 – 42:49.5] Oh, man. [42:49.5 – 42:51.9] But yeah. [42:51.9 – 43:01.9] You know, and I would, I would, uh, gather up all these guys like a bunch of little ducklings because I knew you were supposed to bring guys to meetings and do stuff like that, and I would make sure, I'd make sure… [43:01.9 – 43:04.5] Well, my sponsor gets there about quarter to eight. [43:04.5 – 43:12.0] So about ten to eight, I'd trot down the steps with all these guys, you know, so to make sure he would see me, uh, so I'd get credit for it. [43:12.0 – 43:16.0] Or sufficient credit, you know. [43:16.0 – 43:16.8] And it was, um… [43:16.8 – 43:25.0] See, I knew what to do, you know, but, uh, uh, not always for the right motives did I do these things, but I took the actions. [43:25.0 – 43:35.5] And a lot of times, I didn't know why I was taking these actions or why I was following these instructions or, or why I was doing this stuff, but I did it anyway because I, I, I'd recognized [43:35.5 – 43:37.1] early on that I was feeling better. [43:37.1 – 43:41.4] And I, uh, somewhere I bought the fact that within these rooms, I could change my life. [43:41.4 – 43:48.8] Maybe I could be the man I always wanted to be, you know, because, because I wasn't the man I wanted to be. [43:48.8 – 43:52.5] And, and finally, I knew I had no one else to blame, you know. [43:52.5 – 43:54.3] But, but now maybe I could do that. [43:54.3 – 43:57.6] And, and because I saw it happening for all of you guys, maybe I could do that too. [43:57.6 – 44:03.7] And I, you know, and I had my, uh, they, I had my, my court slip, and I put down my court slip up there and get it signed. [44:03.7 – 44:05.7] They didn't– It was a fake. [44:05.7 – 44:09.2] You know, I just wanted to be like the rest of the new guys who had a court slip. [44:09.2 – 44:11.2] Feds didn't care if I had a court slip. [44:11.2 – 44:12.8] They didn't care if I went to meetings or not. [44:12.8 – 44:21.7] They just said, "You go to jail if you mess up." Meetings, meetings, meetings. [44:21.7 – 44:31.8] And, um, uh, and I would sit there next to my bed at night with, uh, with two other guys in the room, and we'd shut off the lights, [44:31.8 – 44:35.5] and I, and I'd be listening to them breathe. [44:35.5 – 44:40.2] And, and when, when I thought they were asleep, I'd sneak out and say a prayer. [44:40.2 – 44:48.5] You know, I'd get down because I was following– I wanted to follow their instructions, but I wasn't quite comfortable enough, you know. [44:48.5 – 44:51.9] So I, I would sneak my prayers in here and there where I could. [44:51.9 – 44:56.9] And, uh, and, and I would do things like it was suggested, you know. [44:56.9 – 44:59.1] And, and, and lo and behold, it worked. [44:59.1 – 45:01.4] I believed like a child, I guess. [45:01.4 – 45:02.8] I believed like a child, you know. [45:02.8 – 45:08.6] And, and I worked the steps, and I prayed to the God that you guys, uh, suggest that I do. [45:08.6 – 45:10.6] Find my higher power, find faith. [45:10.6 – 45:19.2] You know, and I, and I went to the, the, the, the, all the other things in Alcoholics Anonymous that were being offered at the time. [45:19.2 – 45:20.3] I got involved, I guess. [45:20.3 – 45:26.2] I got plugged in in some kind of way, you know, because I was hooked up with these active guys, and there's a million ways to get plugged in. [45:26.2 – 45:27.6] There's something for everybody to do. [45:27.6 – 45:34.4] They told me early on ninety-five percent of the people or five percent of the people do ninety-five percent all the work in this program. [45:34.4 – 45:38.3] And, and that's probably true. [45:38.3 – 45:45.8] But, but it really, it, it– Anybody that wanted it, and I could see it was there, you know, and I wanted it all. [45:45.8 – 45:48.7] I wanted it all right now. [45:48.7 – 45:52.7] You know, just like, just like in my former life, I wanted, I wanted all this right now. [45:52.7 – 45:53.6] I wanted all the gifts. [45:53.6 – 45:55.2] I wanted thirty years right off the bat. [45:55.2 – 45:57.3] You know, I had three months in. [45:57.3 – 46:01.4] That's why there was this story about this guy, uh, from my home group. [46:01.4 – 46:11.4] It was, he was a spiritual giant, and he helped thousands of or hundreds of people throughout the years, and, uh, he was a very wealthy man through the things he did day– one day at a time [46:11.4 – 46:12.5] in Alcoholics Anonymous. [46:12.5 – 46:13.7] He started a school. [46:13.7 – 46:23.8] And, and a lot of drunks got their, you know, got, uh, um, licenses and degrees and technical training enough to go out and move out in their, uh, a-and [46:23.8 – 46:25.1] have jobs and stuff. [46:25.1 – 46:27.2] He helped a lot of people in a lot of ways. [46:27.2 – 46:37.2] And there, some new guy comes up to him at a meeting one night and says, "You know," says, "Wow, thirty-five years, Dick." And Dick slammed down his hand just [46:37.2 – 46:47.3] like, just like it was a, a gavel, and he says, "You know, I'll trade you my thirty-five years for your thirty days right now." You know, 'cause Dick knew what the new guy didn't yet was [46:47.3 – 46:52.5] that the real deal is in the journey, not the destination. [46:52.5 – 46:59.3] You know, it's– He knew it was the one day at a time living a real life that was the really rich thing. [46:59.3 – 47:02.0] It wasn't, it wasn't what's on the back end of it. [47:02.0 – 47:03.6] And he was willing to trade it. [47:03.6 – 47:04.1] And I believe it. [47:04.1 – 47:05.1] I know what he's talking about. [47:05.1 – 47:08.1] I didn't understand that when I first heard it, but I know what he's talking about now. [47:08.1 – 47:12.4] You know, it's, uh, one day at a time, come what may. [47:12.4 – 47:16.2] You know, and there's, there's been ups and downs. [47:16.2 – 47:26.5] There's certainly been ups and downs, and, you know, I've had, um, the happiest at times and some of the saddest at, at times in s- of times in s- in my sobriety. [47:26.5 – 47:31.7] You know, and, um, but come what may, they told me it always gets better. [47:31.7 – 47:33.5] It keeps getting better. [47:33.5 – 47:38.4] And I thought that was just something they told the new guys to keep putting a buck in the basket or something like that. [47:38.4 – 47:41.4] But no, it, they were right. [47:41.4 – 47:42.5] It keeps getting better. [47:42.5 – 47:45.2] You know, I've– I was ten years. [47:45.2 – 47:55.3] People used to say, "Oh, my tenth year was my hardest year." And I, I had a year or so, and I said, "What are you nut– You're doing something wrong, man." You know, if, if, you know, [47:55.3 – 47:57.7] I d- But I, I didn't have the perspective yet. [47:57.7 – 48:06.0] And When I had 10 years sober, it was– You know, I ended up on interferon treatments. [48:06.0 – 48:17.0] You know, I, I, I went to the, the doctor, and they found some stuff wrong, and I ended up on this chemotherapy thing type of deal, which, um, that was, you [48:17.0 – 48:19.9] know, five years back now, and it all turned out just perfect. [48:19.9 – 48:21.8] But at the time, it's a heavy-duty thing. [48:21.8 – 48:29.0] You know, I was, uh, uh, I said– I was th- you know, through the back of my mind, that, uh, fatalistic alcohol, you know, I, I knew it. [48:29.0 – 48:31.0] I knew it was too good, too good to be true. [48:31.0 – 48:32.6] You know? [48:32.6 – 48:35.1] That I was gonna live the rest of my life sober and happy and all that. [48:35.1 – 48:37.4] But, you know, and, and things are still yet to come. [48:37.4 – 48:40.7] There's a bunch of other stuff that happened, and things are yet to come. [48:40.7 – 48:42.1] It's, uh, it's true life. [48:42.1 – 48:44.2] It's real life, you know? [48:44.2 – 48:48.7] And but it's good. [48:48.7 – 48:51.9] You know, I'm, I've, uh, Elliot Ness's bodyguard. [48:51.9 – 48:57.3] My dad is, uh, is, is, uh, uh, my dad's ninety-five. [48:57.3 – 48:58.9] My mom's ninety-four right now. [48:58.9 – 49:04.2] Um, I, I'm able to, I'm able to, uh, it's one of the big joys of my life. [49:04.2 – 49:14.3] I'm able to show up there every Tuesday and let my mom make me a salmon dinner 'cause it's good for me, and it's got- -antioxidants or whatever [49:14.3 – 49:15.9] they say salmon got or whatever it is. [49:15.9 – 49:19.5] Uh, but I'm there to help them. [49:19.5 – 49:24.8] You know, they, you know, the stuff they did for me throughout my life, it's, uh, uh… [49:24.8 – 49:33.4] And I'm there to help them, and I, I got a lovely wife and a, um, and two great kids, Joshua and Jacob, fourteen and sixteen. [49:33.4 – 49:37.8] I must have prayed for patience and tolerance along the way somewhere. [49:37.8 – 49:41.5] But, uh, now I just pray for God's will. [49:41.5 – 49:43.5] I learned my lesson. [49:43.5 – 49:49.2] But I, and I don't know who's growing more, me or the kids, but I think we're all growing. [49:49.2 – 49:54.9] You know, Joshua, the other, you know, it's, uh, of course, I wanna g– And I'm new at being a parent. [49:54.9 – 49:59.7] You know, they're not my biological kids, but, um, we're kind of a spliced-together family, but it's good stuff. [49:59.7 – 50:02.3] We got two dogs, two kids, two jobs. [50:02.3 – 50:03.2] It's a busy life. [50:03.2 – 50:04.0] It's good stuff. [50:04.0 – 50:06.9] Typical alcoholic, right? [50:06.9 – 50:17.4] So yeah, Joshua tells me the other day, he says, "You know, Paul," or dad, he says, "Why, why don't you let me make my own mistakes?" You [50:17.4 – 50:18.8] know, so you, I… [50:18.8 – 50:20.5] And okay, Josh. [50:20.5 – 50:23.6] You know, I don't, I guess I'm trying too hard. [50:23.6 – 50:24.8] Maybe, maybe I am. [50:24.8 – 50:34.9] But no, it's, it's good stuff, and, and I'm able to do that stuff because of Alcoholics Anonymous, because of you people, because of walking in through that door, uh, [50:34.9 – 50:44.9] and, and you guys telling me about the steps and suggesting I do this and suggesting I, uh, get down on my knees and suggesting I try to develop [50:44.9 – 50:45.9] some spirituality. [50:45.9 – 50:51.9] There's this story I like about the, uh, the, uh, about, uh, they were trying to plant corn in South Africa. [50:51.9 – 50:59.9] You know, they, a, a group of people went out into the bush, and they started scratching in the ground to try to plant their corn, and they hit some yellow clay. [50:59.9 – 51:08.8] You know, and, and, and they found these diamonds in the dirt, and they picked up the diamonds, and they, they went back to the village, and they were all ecstatic at the, at the, the extent of their find. [51:08.8 – 51:18.2] You know, they lived high on the hog for quite a while after that, but, uh, sooner or later, they had to eat, so they, they went back out, and they, they started digging in the dirt again. [51:18.2 – 51:19.4] This time, they dug a little deeper. [51:19.4 – 51:22.4] They dug through the yellow clay into the blue clay. [51:22.4 – 51:31.3] And in the blue clay, they found a mother lode of all diamonds, which is where they're found, which made what they previously found insignificant. [51:31.3 – 51:39.0] You know, and, and, and, and that's the way spirituality is for me in this program. [51:39.0 – 51:43.7] It's just ta– Just taking away the drink, my life changed a thousand percent. [51:43.7 – 51:46.5] But no, I, I want more. [51:46.5 – 51:47.3] You know, I want it all. [51:47.3 – 51:48.2] I want the whole deal. [51:48.2 – 51:50.4] And, and, and it's there for us. [51:50.4 – 51:51.8] A-and that's the blue clay. [51:51.8 – 51:54.5] You know, it's digging into that blue clay. [51:54.5 – 51:58.3] You know, a-and you guys showed me how to do that. [51:58.3 – 52:05.2] You know, you guys take me through– continue to show me how to do it 'cause I need constant maintenance. [52:05.2 – 52:10.5] You know, I am a guy, I'm a, I'm still the quick forgetter, and I still slip back into my old ways. [52:10.5 – 52:16.2] I see it in myself all the time, and I know I need constant AA contact. [52:16.2 – 52:17.2] It's, it's every day. [52:17.2 – 52:23.5] You know, it's been a, a good many years, and I was just, just thinking today, you know, it's been a long time. [52:23.5 – 52:29.6] In fact, I can't remember the last time I didn't have AA at the, at the tip of my… [52:29.6 – 52:30.6] You know, it's in my job. [52:30.6 – 52:31.8] It's in my family. [52:31.8 – 52:33.7] It's in– And I, and I like it that way. [52:33.7 – 52:35.4] You know, I like it that way. [52:35.4 – 52:38.9] It gives me a way to grow. [52:38.9 – 52:44.5] You know, e-everything is, is, is kind of measured against my program. [52:44.5 – 52:47.1] Is this program, is this good or not? [52:47.1 – 52:49.3] You know, am I doing the right thing? [52:49.3 – 52:52.9] And, and, um, thanks. [52:52.9 – 52:54.5] I appreciate that. [52:54.5 – 53:00.2] You know, and I'd like to thank you guys for coming here for the nineteenth anniversary of this thing. [53:00.2 – 53:05.5] Even though if it was for the food, you know, sometimes it's for the wrong reasons. [53:05.5 – 53:08.4] But nonetheless, you're here. [53:08.4 – 53:18.4] And, and I'd like to thank the people with, uh, the months, just the months that, 'cause, uh, and, and I got a special message for them is that it keeps getting [53:18.4 – 53:18.8] better. [53:18.8 – 53:22.1] Man, it's, it keeps getting better. [53:22.1 – 53:25.1] And thank you guys for coming especially. [53:25.1 – 53:28.9] And, um, I'd like to thank all those people for asking me. [53:28.9 – 53:36.2] I'd like to thank you guys for coming and, and God for Alcoholics Anonymous.