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Source: Mike F – Sacramento – Source labeled Hope and Serenity March 3 2012 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: mike-f-sacramento-source-labeled-hope-and-serenity-march-3-2012-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:04:10
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Mike F. from Chandler, Arizona. Hi everybody, I'm Mike and I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is April 23rd of 1985 and for that I'm grateful. I'd like to thank Cliff and the committee for having me here tonight, the group that's hosting, fantastic to listen to all of the readers and to see everyone here, the DORG readers and I really felt welcome and I appreciate that. I've had a great time while I'm here and there's certainly, this area of California is a pocket of enthusiasm for Alcoholics Anonymous and I hope I can bring something good to that tonight because I believe in enthusiasm and being that way and if I get going tonight it's, I had about four cups of coffee.
I gave my sobriety date and I do that because I got sober in Texas and I'm from Buffalo, New York originally but I got sober in Texas and that's what they do down there and I was taught to do that and I've always done that but there was a clubhouse down in Amarillo and they had a meeting one night and they're going around the meeting and this one says I'm Tom and I haven't had a drink for this period of time and another one says I'm Dan and I haven't drank for that period of time and this guy Ed says I'm Ed and I haven't found it necessary to take a drink for 14 years, 9 months, 6 weeks, 3 days and 2 hours.
And Tom up front turns around and says Ed that's a lie, I saw you Saturday night and you were so drunk you couldn't get down the street. He says yeah but it wasn't necessary. I'm convinced, I'm convinced as I stand here tonight that every drink and every other chemical that I took was necessary to get me to and keep me in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm grateful for our traditions because of the traditions Alcoholics Anonymous was here when I was ready and I'm grateful for that and that first tradition says our common welfare comes first, personal recovery depends upon AA unity and for all of those that are here new tonight I want you to know that you're just as much a member of Alcoholics Anonymous if you meet the requirement of our third tradition as myself or anyone else here.
We don't have seniority, we don't have, you know, you don't get to this level in Alcoholics Anonymous. Each of us, everyone here's story is just as valid as the next person. Some of us have the opportunity to fly in from Arizona to share it and anything I share tonight is my opinion and it's my opinion of how I interpret Alcoholics Anonymous and the big book of our program. It's also my opinion of my version of my story.
If my mother was here right now, I spoke in Arizona a few weeks ago and I brought my mother with me and she's got 47 years of Al-Anon and I made sure I said that because I wanted to be very clear that the version that she gives is not at all like the version that I give. Believe me, hers is a lot worse. But I was a blackout drinker. I do want to, are there any Al-Anons here this evening? Oh, we've got some Al-Anons.
I wanted to welcome the Al-Anons and the family members that are here. My first sponsor, Big John, you're going to hear a little bit about him tonight if I ever get sober, but John used to do a lot of speaking and he would tell the story of Lance and Chris and this was a couple, he was sponsoring Lance and Lance was in and out of the program and had a lot of problems and his wife Christine started going to Al-Anon and while she was going there, she was learning a bit about tough love and they were telling her about this and Lance would go get drunk and come back in and they would have these fights and this one Saturday afternoon Lance comes in and he's fractured and they start an argument and this thing goes on and finally Lance loses the battle and he goes in the bathroom and shuts the door.
About a half hour later, Chris comes and knocks on the door and she's gotten a little curious and she says, Lance, what are you doing? And he says, I'm in the tub and I've got the gas on. I'm committing suicide. And Chris said, put some towels around the bottom of the door, it's making the cats sick.
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I do know a little bit about tough love. Someone at dinner asked me, are you nervous? And I want you to know I'm not. I've got a pretty good idea of what I'm going to say and you have no idea what you're going to hear. So really if anybody should be nervous, it should be you and not me. But I feel a little bit like a mosquito in a nudist camp. I know what to do, I just don't know where to start. When I was six years old, I set the house on fire.
Now that didn't make me an alcoholic. So I want to kind of create the scene for you. Little town in western New York outside of Buffalo, there's seven kids in the family, we live on a busy road, I'm playing with matches, I start the house on fire, see it burning. Fire trucks come, they block the road, there's panic in the neighborhood. I'm sitting on the porch across the street with my mother and some of my brothers, watching the house burn, watching the firemen come in with axes and chopping the door down.
And this is happening, all this is going on and there's only one thing going through my head, and that is there is no way I'm ever telling anyone that I did it. Here I am six years old and I've got my first real secret. I've got to keep that secret, I couldn't let anybody know because that wasn't the right thing to do. And a few weeks later I was up in the main street of our town and I was in a little five and dime store and there was something I wanted and I didn't have the money to purchase it so I just took it.
And again, that wasn't what I was taught to do, it didn't make me an alcoholic, but it was something I couldn't share with anyone, it was another secret that I had to keep. My dad was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, I might as well let you know that too, he came in when I was very young. I don't really remember his drinking, but I remember some of the fighting and some of the arguing and what goes on sometimes in early sobriety as the families try to adjust to the changes that are occurring.
And so I would lay in bed at night and I would listen to this and I'd have my secrets with me and I would be scared and things would go on and some of that I thought I was responsible for and they didn't know what I was doing, I hadn't yet been found out. And then my brother John, my older brother, he was a year older than me, had his first communion and we were at the first communion and they had a little first communion party and John thought it was a cool idea to go steal some beer out of the cooler so I went with him and we took the beer and this is my first drink of alcohol that I remember other than maybe hitting a glass that was on the pool table or something when my dad's friends were over, but we drank that beer and I didn't dance with all the girls and it didn't go boom.
I hear stories about people telling me about their first drink experience and I'm like wow, that wasn't my experience. My experience was I went back and stole some more and I hid it in the woods so I could have it like the next day and I didn't tell John, I wasn't telling anybody. See, from the first time I drank, I was planning when I could do it again and that's how I drank. Now, I didn't become a social drinker at 7 years old nor did I become a chronic alcoholic at 7 years old, but I did start to drink at every occasion I could and normal kids get together in the summertime and play ball and things like that, I did that, but I had a water bottle, a white water bottle and I would get one of my older brother's friends to buy me alcohol so I could put it in there and I would save it and then that night while we were playing, I would drink and that was just the way that it was and then as time went on and we made it to junior high school, you know, on the weekends we'd get someone to buy some MD 20-20 or moonshine and everybody's like yeah.
And I never imagined, you know, you drink a little bottle like this and then like you fill buckets like. I wasn't a math guy, you know, I mean I didn't understand how that happened, but you know, drinking became something that I wanted to do, I really, you know, I enjoyed the effect produced by alcohol, I was never a social drinker, I did it as often as I could and when I entered high school, I knew that I had a bit of a dilemma and that dilemma was that if I were to continue to drink when I wanted to, which was pretty much every day,
[00:10:00]
I was not going to be able to stay in school. So I discovered these little pills and I started taking lethal doses of sedatives and then I would go to school and then I could just drink on the weekends and that didn't last real long and my story's not real macho and I'm not going to go into a lot of details about what I did, who I did it to and how it happened. Throughout my story, I might share some of the things that happened, but it's just not that macho, I mean it's real hard to have one of those amazing drunkologues when your first detox was Children's Hospital.
And here I am, I'm in Children's Hospital and they put me in intensive care for eight days, it wasn't exactly intensive care, it was just the room across the nurse's station where they were weaning me off of the chemicals and the alcohol. My dad and his sponsor and several AA members would come in to visit me during the week that I was there and they suggested to me that I go to counseling and that I go to AA.
And I'm thinking what they were laying on me was a condition to get out of the hospital, so I'm like agreeing, okay, no problem. So I started going to counseling and a few weeks after I'm going to counseling, the counselor and I are smoking weed together. My parents are wondering why I want to get there early, you know, it's like, is it Tuesday yet, you know, you know, it was a new therapy, you know, I liked it, you know.
Well, I go to my first AA meeting with my dad and his sponsor, I'll tell you a little bit about his sponsor, he got sober on Christmas, the day after Christmas 1946, and he was on stage in 1950 in Cleveland when the traditions were adopted, so I had a lot of AA history right in my home and maybe as I talk tonight, you might hear a little bit about some AA history because that just happens to be the direction that my sobriety has gravitated toward.
But in any case, that particular night, we go down to the police station, the bottom of the police station, Orchard Park, and there's old wooden tables, it's a low ceiling and back then you could still smoke in the meetings and the place is full of smoke and they had the old wooden tables and I'm sitting there and they're going around the room and again, they're introducing themselves and I'm Art, I'm an alcoholic, and I'm Dorothy, and I'm an alcoholic, and it came to me and I said, I'm Mike, and I'm a problem drinker with alcoholic tendencies.
Now, I wasn't trying to be funny, and I wasn't trying to be cute and different and unique, I was really being honest, because you see, this idea of being an alcoholic was not what I wanted. I didn't want to be an alcoholic. I knew what alcoholics were. And besides that, my brain was saying things to me like, what happens if you ever get a date, or what happens if you get married, or what are you going to do on St. Patrick's Day, or what's going to happen on Christmas?
And my brain was active and it was telling me things, and it was hearing things that weren't being said, too. And you know, if you knew, sometimes we have selective hearing, and I certainly did, and thank God that the people in Alcoholics Anonymous put up with me, because they said things like keep coming back, and I did. But that particular night, a few nights after this, I began to go into some of my first AA meetings, I heard some really weird things.
These people were talking a language I did not understand. They were saying things like, if you waddle like a duck, and quack like a duck, and look like a duck, you're probably a duck. I'm like going home looking in the mirror. That was like, foreign to me. That was so far over my head, I just could not possibly comprehend that. You know what was really close to that one was, the first drink that gets you drunk.
What? You never drank with me. You guys are a bunch of lightweights. First drink, I just didn't get it, I didn't understand. See? And what I thought they were saying to me is, you go to meetings and you don't drink. So I'd go to meetings and I wouldn't drink. And I'd see you guys, and you'd come up here and you'd get a medallion, or a cake, or a prize, or whatever they were giving away. I'd get a resentment, and I'd be drunk on my way home.
I come to these meetings, I'm telling you, and I'm thinking AA's don't drink, go to meetings. I wouldn't drink, go to meetings, I'd go home and figure out how I'd commit suicide. The only solution I had was to drink and use, that was it. There was no other solution because I continued to come to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I'm not proud to tell you that I came on a regular basis for 10 years, and I never got 30 days sober.
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Now, those people at Alcoholics Anonymous said, if you keep doing this, kid, this is what's going to happen. And they were sharing their experience with me. And I want you to know, over that 10-year period, an awful lot of those things happened to me. I got to become a regular visitor in the local hospitals. I even got to go to the psychiatric ward. That was a treat. Here I am in the psychiatric ward, and this young lady's doing the intake with me. She's a couple years older than I am, and I'm trying to convince her a life with me would be good.
Like, I didn't need to be there, you know. I was drunk on the way home. But I come to these meetings, and I would see you people get well. And I didn't get it. I didn't understand, because I had selective hearing. You know, people at Alcoholics Anonymous didn't say, you can't come back. You don't belong here. They said, you're welcome, and keep coming back. And I did. And I kept coming back, and I kept coming back, and I kept coming back.
And I wasn't one of these guys that came in and didn't want it, either. There was never a time that I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and didn't want it. I just didn't get it. I didn't understand it. My mind kept saying that this was, don't drink and go to a meeting. And my life continued to plummet. And everything in my life, in my perception, was bad. I was a disappointment in my mind to everyone. Anything good that happened, I screwed it up.
I knew I was a disappointment. The day that I graduated high school, and I really didn't deserve to graduate high school, I knew I didn't deserve to graduate high school, because I manipulated my way to be able to graduate. They should have never graduated me. I was drunk most of the time, and the rest of the time I didn't go. I had the principal's secretary getting me coffee in the morning and praying for me that I would stay in school.
And at my dad's funeral, she was there. I think she was a member of AA. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't do life sober. I graduate, and on the way to the auditorium, I stop and have a few drinks. Well, that was normal. I mean, there was nothing wrong with that in my mind. And they call my name to walk across the stage, and in the audience is my dad, my mom, and my grandmother, a few other proud family members.
You know, did you ever have somebody say something that's directed at you, and it sounds like the whole world can hear it, like it's on an amplifier? Somebody yells out one of my nicknames, and that was drugs. And before I got that diploma in my hand, I knew that I was nothing more than a disappointment. Everybody loved me. And it continued to get worse. It didn't get better. See, they told me things like, once you cross over this invisible line, whatever that meant, you never get it back, that it's always going to get worse, never better, and that's what happened.
It continued to get worse, until I got to places that were incomprehensible. You know, I was a tweaker long before it was fashionable. I mean, seriously. Me and two other guys had this little apartment down in the inner city, and we had blankets on the wall and on the windows, and we couldn't pay $100 a month rent. And I was on welfare, and I can't even go get the damn check. And I'm running to the window.
I mean, it was this thing that was right after me. What the heck do they want? I was like, I got nothing. I break into a house, it's April 21, 1985, and I finally had gotten the courage to commit suicide. And I broke into this house because I knew the guy that owned it had a gun, and I knew they were away. And I broke in, and I went through the house, and I never found the gun. And it was getting to be early morning hours.
The sun was beginning to come up, and daylight was at least beginning to break through. And I was on the top story of this old city house. And I'm looking out the window, and I'm going to commit suicide. I'm going to jump out the window. And I'm calculating, you know, if I dive out on my head, is it going to kill me, or am I going to flop around on the sidewalk in pain until someone finds me? And the truth was, I didn't want any more pain.
I couldn't take it. And I don't know if this was a hallucination or not, but I see three women walking down the street. And they were wearing these funny church hats. And it reminded me of my childhood God. It reminded me of church. It reminded me of my grandmother coming over on Sundays after church with her friends, wearing these funny church hats. And for some reason that morning, I got down on my knees by myself in that room,
[00:20:00]
and I said the same prayer that everybody here has said. It was just, God help me. I may have said that prayer a hundred thousand times before that. And I didn't have Bill W.'s white light experience. The room didn't brighten. I did not feel the breeze of the Spirit blowing through me, nor did I feel like I was on a mountaintop. Matter of fact, I went out and drank the rest of the day. And that night, I made my way to a little bar, a little corner bar, and I picked up the phone.
And I called the only person left on this earth that I thought might be willing to help me. That was my dad. He said, where are you? I told him. He and another member of Alcoholics Anonymous came the next day, and they made a 12-step call on me, and we met at the diner, and we drank some coffee, and we talked about my options. And I didn't have any. And it was imperative that I get out of town. A series of events happened over there.
Before I go into that, they desperately tried to get me into a hospital. I was very, very sick. And through some connections, we had a guy that was a director of the Buffalo Area Council on Alcoholism, and he had called over to the medical center to get me in, and he had relayed the message for me to go on over. And I did. And I walked in the front door of the Erie County Medical Center, and the admissions counselor came walking out, and he put his hands up like this, and he said, we can't help you.
Leave. You've been here too many times. And I got out of there with a feeling of hopelessness that was unmatched by anything I had ever experienced. I had felt as though the last breath of air had left me. There was a taxi cab sitting in front of the hospital that had taken the place of my brother's truck from when he had dropped me off. And I got in the cab, and I did the exact same thing that every alcoholic here would do And I had ten bucks in my pocket that my old man had given me for smokes.
And I got into that bar, and it was April 23rd, 1985. It was in the afternoon, and it was a beautiful spring day. And the door was ajar, and it was open wide, and a city bus pulled up. And onto the city bus was this lady trying to get on the bus, and she fell. And I walked out the bar, and I helped the lady on the bus. And I followed her onto the bus, and I never went back for the drink. I wonder if it's warm right now.
Bill W. talked about his schoolmate, Abby, was the person who was able to enter the cave of despair where he was at, and lead him out to the sunlight of the spirit. And Abby shared some things with Bill, and one of the things that Abby had said to Bill was, Bill, this is a new kind of giving, a giving without expectation of return. And I don't know what kind of magic happened that day when I helped that lady get on the bus.
Why I didn't take her purse and run, I don't know. Because it was three days before I would have. But perhaps in that act of giving, I began to find the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. See, because I think this program is built on us getting out of ourselves and trying to help someone else. The Responsibility Pledge of AA reinforces that to me. It really has become one of my favorite little slogans of Alcoholics Anonymous.
And that is, now that I've got this, I'm responsible to do something with it. Well, a series of events happened there that was very early sobriety for me. My dad remembered a friend of his down in Brownwood, Texas. His name was Big John. And he called John and he said, I got Mike here and I don't know what to do with him. And John said, send him down here for a couple of weeks and we'll see if he wants this thing.
So on May 5, 1985, I arrived in Abilene, Texas. And I was greeted at the airport by Big John and a couple other members of the AA. They always came in teams. And they took me 90 miles up to Brownwood from Abilene and we went to a meeting. And on the way to the meeting, Big John said, kid, he always called me kid.
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He had two names for me. One was kid and my current sponsor has asked me not to share what the other one was. He said, kid, if it comes to you, why don't you just tell him you're an alcoholic and what your sobriety date is if you have one. And it came to me that night and I gave him my name and I made up a sobriety date because I didn't even know what one was. We went back to John's one bedroom apartment.
John was a big guy, six foot two maybe. You know, they're all big compared to me. It's like fear. I'm going to get up behind the podium and someone halfway in the back is going to go, stand up! And the way I remember it, John was pacing. And I'm sitting on the couch and he says, how long have you been around the deal, kid? I always called AA the deal. How long have you been around the deal? And I said, you've got to get in the picture here, I weigh 90 pounds, everything I own is in a cardboard box, I'm wearing someone else's pants.
I said, oh, about 10 years. He said, I don't know if you want this thing, kid. But we can show you by living proof how you never have to live that way again. And if you want to get sober, I'll go to hell and back with you and if you don't, you can go to hell alone. I was waiting for welcome to Texas. I'm so grateful to my God today that I'm able to recall the conversations that I had with John in my early sobriety.
That night, he said to me, you were nothing more than a thief. He said, you were maybe not a common thief that'd kick in a joint or steal money from his mother's purse. He knew my story. He said, no, you were a worse thief. You were a thief of the worst kind. Because you stole from those who stole their right to happiness. That was when he entered the cave. And he grabbed me by the hand and he led me to the sunlight of the spirit.
Because it was one alcoholic talking to another alcoholic in a language that I needed to hear and I totally understood. And he didn't condemn me and look down on me. He shared with me his experience. He didn't look at me as if this was a moral thing. He taught me that I was a sick man who needed to get better. That I wasn't a bad person who needed to get good. Now I don't know how much sleep John ever got.
I went down for two weeks, I stayed for two years. He had a one bedroom apartment and he gave me the bedroom. He taught me that sometimes in Alcoholics Anonymous we need to give ourselves a little bit to help someone else. Sometimes we need to reach out and reach down to help another alcoholic find what we've been freely given. And he entered the cave that night and he led me out to the sunlight of the spirit.
And he stayed with me. And he encouraged me. And he built me up. He took a broken guy and he lifted me up. And every opportunity he had I was so grateful. The next morning he came in the room and he says, Come on, kid, let's go. We've got places to go. Well, we're probably up till 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes. I needed to sleep. He's like, No, no, we've got places to go.
I'm like, You're 80, man. I've never been to Texas. We've got nowhere to go. This guy's named Bill O. His wife is Arbutus. I'm going to tell you a little bit about Bill and Arbutus. We pull up in front of Bill's house and he says, This is a Midwest tape library, kid. I don't think so. He says, This is the largest 8A tape library in the world. Okay. And we go in and I meet Bill and Bill's got one eye and one arm.
And I still had secrets, and I secretly named Bill Grumpy.
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I meet Arbutus, and she was kind of a talkative lady, for any of you that knew her. And we go inside. Now, Bill got sober October 21, 1951. John got sober on October 31, 1951. So Bill had one week more than John. And he'd never let him forget it. Now, we're going to the Midwest Hape Library. And they had a little kitchen. And we sat in the kitchen, and we drank instant coffee. That's for the benefit of you younger people.
That's like warm water and dirt, okay? And you mix this stuff together, sit down. These guys are talking. And they were probably talking to me that day about some of AA history. Because they loved AA history, and they talked about it all the time to me. It seemed like in the very early sobriety for me, that was what most of the focus and emphasis was placed on, was the beginning of AA, the early roots.
They would talk about the Oxford group, and Sam Shoemaker, and Sister Ignatian, and Father Ed Dowling. They'd talk about the book being written. They would introduce me to their friends. People like, and when I say introduce me, they'd share their stories with guys like Bill D, with friends of my sponsor, Big John, and Bill W, and Lois, and all the people that they knew. And they were close with these people, and Ebby.
John used to go fishing with Ebby. So, you know, all kinds of Ebby stories. You know, this particular morning they're talking, and I thought it was my turn. Laughter You guys are laughing because you've done the same thing, you know. Laughter Now, what I didn't say is that my vocabulary then was not at all like it is tonight. I did not have the capacity to talk the way I do today. I can do like a seven-word sentence, and three of them started with F.
Laughter I said one of my sentences. Laughter And Bill takes his finger, and he's pounding it on the table, staring at me with his one eye, saying, young man, the first thing we clean up in here is our mouth. And I'm thinking, grumpy? Laughter Now, I kind of warmed up to Big John, you know. I'd known him through his relationship with my dad, and I also knew him a little bit because I'd gone to AA meetings, you know, back in the 70s that he was at, okay, when we were in Arizona for a short time.
And he was living out there, you know, back then, and he went to Texas. But in any case, you know, Bill's pounding his finger down. So, we go out that day we leave, and I said to John, what's up with grumpy? I said, you guys are going to tell me how I need to talk? I'm 25 years old. Laughter Who does he think he is? Laughter John says, kid, this deal saved our lives, and it might save yours. We knew Bill, and Lois, and Evie, and it goes through a list of people, his sponsor.
And he says, these men and women taught us about the program, and you might be the only big book that some guy, some new guy or girl get to see. And Bill's concerned about that because he wants you to be accurate, he wants you to be a good example, because that's what we have to give away. And that's why he said that to you. And from that day till this day, I've never chosen to talk that way in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I've always tried to be the best example of this program I can possibly be, because we never know who is watching. We never know who needs it. It doesn't matter how long we're sober. I remember one night, I was telling David this yesterday. I was starting to get honest. In the beginning, they talk to you about honesty, and willingness, open-mindedness. It didn't come in that order for me, I want you to know that.
It came willingness, then came open-mindedness, and then came some honesty. But I was beginning to get honest this particular day, and I said, I don't want to go to the meeting tonight. And he said, why not, kid? And here's where I'm getting honest.
[00:35:00]
Now, this is Bangs, Texas. Let me tell you about Bangs, Texas. The meeting was in a drugstore. Now, Bangs, Texas is not a big place. Bangs, Texas has about 300 sheep. 600 people. I used to say nervous sheep, but I took that up. And I said to him, I was being honest, and I said, I don't want to go. It's the same group of guys saying the same thing. And besides that, there's a ballgame on tonight, and I think I'd like to watch it.
And he said, kid, you don't go to meetings to give. You go to meetings to give. And I said, yeah, maybe you, Mr. AA. What do I have to give? He said, nothing. I'm wearing someone else's pants, for God's sake. He said, no. He said, there may be someone there tonight for their first meeting. And they'll see you sober and that you've been sober for this length of time. And it's your example that matters.
And by you being present at that meeting and being an example of sobriety, that person may look at you and say, if he can stay sober today, so can I. I have never gone back to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous to get. I have always gone to give. We always have something to give. He taught me that we could be broke many times in our life, but we'll never be poor, provided we have something to give away.
And as long as I'm in Alcoholics Anonymous, I have something to give away. And John traveled all over the world. And while he was gone on one of his trips, I read, you know, I used to hear people talk about the first 164 pages of the big book. So while he was gone on one of his trips, I read the first 164 pages of the big book. And he came back, and I was like a proud kid, because it was really, truly the first book I ever read.
And I went to him, and I said, I did it. And he said, what? And I said, I read it. And he said, what? And I said, the big book. And he said, oh, that's good, Jim. And I said, Moby Dick, and don't remember any of it. He said, you've got to study that book. What do you think we were doing the next day? We were sitting in his den with highlighters or markers in our hands, and together we were reading and studying the book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
And I began to identify with the things in that book. And in the doctor's opinion, it talked about a psychic change. And I thought, that's cool. I want one of them. I mean, come on. But then shortly after that, it said the only thing necessary to get this was to follow a few simple rules. And I had to start to ask and inquire and watch and observe and see what these rules were. And I'm coming to these meetings, and I want you to know that I would cheer up this room by leaving.
I was one of these newcomers with attitude. I was angry. It was like somebody licked all the red off my candy. I mean, it was like I was a victim. Are you getting the picture? I know I was a disappointment to everybody. I'm a victim. AA doesn't work anyway. I tried it for 10 years. You guys are a bunch of liars. All the other stuff that you could possibly go through. And yet these people are extending this hand of kindness and consideration to me and welcoming me in and lifting me up.
So I'm reading along in that book, and I see this part where it says, lack of power is our dilemma. Man, I thought drinking was my problem. It says lack of power is our dilemma. And then it goes on and it says the main object of this book is to enable you to find a power greater than yourself that will solve your problem. And I began to look at Alcoholics Anonymous as a solution to my problem. And I began to then develop a relationship, although it did not resemble the relationship that I have today, with a God of my understanding.
I was not sure how to do that. My father was an example of this program. As a child growing up, I saw him on his knees praying. I didn't know what he was praying to or about, but I began to get down on my knees and say the only prayer I knew how to say then, and that was God. God, help me get through this day without thinking about taking a drink. Because, you see, I was still obsessed. At some point during the day, I wanted a drink.
It came to my head. It wasn't like I walked around 24-7 needing a wine or compulsing a drink. But at some time during the day, it might be at a sunny moment. It could be when the bathroom door closed. But at some time. This head said, a drink would be good right now.
[00:40:01]
And I would pray every day. God, help me to not think about taking a drink. And I began to show up and do what I was taught to do. And they walked me through this. I was not a deep thinker when I came to AA. Believe me. I was all out of my own ideas. I really was. And I was into following suggestions. And if you're new, man, surround yourself with winners that are talking about the book Alcoholics Anonymous, that aren't afraid to lift you up and make suggestions to you.
You know, Bill said, these are the steps we took. You better took them. But they made suggestions. They gave me assignments. Stand at the door and greet people. And thank you to the door greeters. You were lovely tonight. I said to David, I'm going inside with all the girls. And I'm not shaking hands. I'm door greeting with attitude, OK? You know? I am. And one night, I see this guy, AJ. And AJ's got beautiful white hair and a tan.
He was an old timer in Browntown. That was my home group. And AJ was there all the time. And I said, how you doing, AJ? And he got this big smile. Excuse me. Plastered on his face. And he says, I'm doing fine. And it just keeps getting better. I thought he was on pills. I said, AJ, do you really mean that? And he said, yes, I do. And I left there that night, and I thought, you know, I'm going to develop an attitude more like AJ's than the attitude that I have.
You see, my sobriety came incrementally. It didn't all happen by Thursday night. It took a little bit at a time, a little bit more book, a little bit more pain, a little bit more struggle, a little bit more encouragement, a few more meetings. And you see, then it began to get better, little by little by little. Each day began to get better. And here I am, door greeting one night, and a lady comes in, and she says, how are you?
And I said, I'm doing fantastic. And it just keeps getting better. Now, the truth was, I was reporting the facts before they were really happening, OK? What do you think this sweet lady said to me? She says, oh, dear. That's great. But just wait till that pink cloud lifts. And for the benefit of you that are relatively new, I'll have 27 years of sobriety. God lets me live, and I'm going to stay with you guys for the next month.
And that pink cloud hasn't left. See, that pink cloud doesn't go away. See, that pink cloud doesn't go away. It's because I meet each day with enthusiasm, knowing that the God of my understanding is going to give me abundance in my life if I continue to do what you have taught me to do. And it's in the little things that make a big difference. It's in me getting out of myself and being a human being to those people that I love, and lifting them up, and going out and greeting people, and sponsoring people, and doing whatever's necessary to carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous, even if that sometimes requires that I inconvenience myself a little bit like my sponsor and so many others did for me.
And I'm grateful that they gave me that kind of example. And when I come to an area like this where it is a pocket of enthusiasm, where they are on fire, boy, that just gets me going. And I haven't looked at the clock yet, Cliff, wherever you are. He just said there's a clock on the wall. I'm like, it don't matter. That's just to give some of the old-timers optimism, you know. I'm just getting warmed up.
I'm over at that library one day, and I had the privilege of meeting Dr. Bob's son, one of our co-founders, his son, Smitty. And we're in the library, and Smitty looks at me, and he says, Mike, is Bill, Billo, or John, I had one sponsor, but Bill was really like a co-sponsor. He was always there for me. And Smitty said, Bill or John told you about the first guy that my dad saw about Dr. Bob and Bill W. worked with.
And by then I knew enough about AA history to be dangerous, okay. But I'm like, oh, yeah, Bill D., the man on the bed, AA number three, Akron City Hospital. He was an attorney, you know. And Smitty says, like, okay, Mike. He says, no, there was a guy before Bill D. They moved him into our house. And he says, Eddie, Eddie R. And he said they moved Eddie upstairs with his family. And he said Eddie was a bad drunk and a little crazy.
And he said Eddie would climb down the window, and he'd go get drunk, and he'd call Dr. Bob and Bill. Down the window, they'd go get drunk, and he'd call Dr. Bob and Bill up, saying he's gonna commit suicide, but he'd give them enough time to come and watch. So they'd go get Eddie, and they'd bring him back home, and they'd try to sober him up, and try to give him the messages they were getting him, see?
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And one afternoon, he was chasing Dr. Bob's wife, Ann, around the house with a butcher knife, okay? And they had to commit Eddie. So the first guy that Dr. Bob and Bill worked with was a failure. Didn't work. They didn't stop there. They went on, and they met Bill, the number three. But Smitty followed it up, and he said, Mike, the story didn't end there. He said, 15 years later, at my dad's funeral, a man walked up to me and extended his hand and said, do you know who I am?
And he looked at him and said, you're Eddie. And he said, yes, and I've been sober for a year, and I'm in the Youngstown, Ohio group. Now, I know Eddie stayed sober the rest of his life, and dedicated his life, work, to Alcoholics Anonymous and to people suffering. I didn't know that at the time, but what I did know at that time was that I belonged in Alcoholics Anonymous. See, because for that 10 years that I came in and out, in and out, in and out, I'd see you get sober, and I'd get a resentment, I was angry I couldn't do it, and you were different than me, I must be different than you, because every time I quit drinking, I'd get sicker, you'd get better.
None of it made any sense until Smitty told me that story. And for the first time, I realized Alcoholics Anonymous wasn't built on success. Alcoholics Anonymous came out of failure. And for the first time, I knew I belonged here. I was home at Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm so grateful. I'm so thankful that you take a few minutes and you share your group history. And if you're new, learn and study some about the history of our wonderful fellowship, because if we do that, we're going to preserve it and protect it.
You know, I go around and I get opportunities to do this kind of thing, and I hear all the bad stuff. Oh man, there's people in our groups that identify themselves as alcoholics and something else. Or there are people who do this or that or whatever. And they're all concerned. I call these people the prophets of doom. I do. Because you see, I believe today that Alcoholics Anonymous is in good shape.
Not that there's no challenges. One of the things that does concern me a little bit is that in many of the groups, you could ask someone to name four traditions and they wouldn't be able to do it. And if the traditions are the glue that keeps our fellowship together, I think it's time that we began to discuss and learn and encourage people to do that. The traditions are not about finding what we're doing wrong.
It's about teaching us what to do right. It's about teaching us not to circumvent things to get our way. See, each of the twelve traditions talks about self-sacrifice. Giving up my personal ambitions for the unity of the fellowship, so that everybody can have the fellowship that they need and crave. Our leaders are but trusted servants. They do not govern. The only requirement is a desire to not drink.
Anonymity is a spiritual foundation. What does that mean? That means that Mike doesn't have to get Mike's way. I don't have to battle to have my way in Alcoholics Anonymous. Sometimes the best that I can do is get out of the way. Sometimes to lessen my ego and give of myself. You know, when we bring those into our homes, it's amazing what happens. My relationship with my wife, I'll tell you a little bit about that.
I guess I probably ought to start thinking about what it was like, kind of what it's like today. Bring it full circle and get to the fun part. One of the things that sometimes concerns me is that I don't give enough about what it's like today. Part of that is because that's when I usually get really emotional. It's real hard sometimes to talk about a life that really, I have to pinch myself because I'm getting to live it.
It's like a life I didn't know I could have. I didn't dream. There's a promise to say if you're painstaking about this phase of our development, you'll be amazed before you're halfway through. You're going to come to know a new freedom, a new happiness. You're not going to regret the past or wish to shut the door on it. You'll comprehend the word serenity and you'll know peace. And no matter how far down you've gone, you'll see how your experience can benefit someone else.
Man, that stuff happens. I live a life today that I just can't even imagine. I can't even begin to tell you what a new freedom and a new happiness is.
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After a couple of years with Big John, I decided to move to Arizona. I had spent some time there when I was a kid and I loved the sunshine. I grew up in Buffalo. Do you blame me? I get out there and I'm sleeping on the couch of an AA buddy's house. He gave me a little construction job. I'm going to meetings and I'm sponsoring people and I'm just kicking it and loving life and doing the deal and it's just wonderful.
And I'm out by the pool one day and this girl dives in the water. I dove in. I introduced myself and she told me who she was. She was a teacher on break and she was out visiting her parents. She lived in Michigan. She was going to be there for a short time. And I told her I was an alcoholic and I had a couple of years sobriety and I think I gave her the last two or three speaker talks I had heard. I asked her out on a date and it wasn't convenient and then it changed.
She saw me a couple of days later at the pool and she said, if you're available, I've got tickets to a ball game. My dad's got some extra tickets and if you'd like to go, I'd love for you to go. And now I'm quick and I said, sure, I'll pick you up if you'll join me for dinner. I'll get you early. And you see, I was sober. And I had enough money to go on a date. I had a car to pick her up in. It wasn't a great car. This is August in Arizona.
It was a black Ford Thelma. It didn't have air conditioning. We're going to go sit outside. This was before we had retractable rooms and stuff like that for baseball. This was Miami League and it was hot. I pick her up and we go to dinner and she sees her fortune in the fortune cookie. And it was something like, you can trust the man you're with. His love is true. Four months later, we were married.
This December will be 25 years. I was talking to one of my friends before the meeting started a little bit about relationships and marriage. I could tell you everything that I know about relationships before Alcoholics Anonymous in one word. I'm not one of these guys that get into giving it a fifth step from the podium. But the one word is pathetic. You can just go wherever you want with that. That was me in relationships.
Bill W. is a spiritual mentor. He was a Catholic Jesuit priest in St. Louis named Fr. Ed Dowling. Bill and Fr. Ed got very close and Fr. Ed was invited to speak at the second international conference of Alcoholics Anonymous which was held in St. Louis in 1955. It was our 20th anniversary. During his talk, Fr. Ed said that if he ever made it to heaven, it would be because he was backing away from hell.
I want you to know that my relationship has been successful sometimes because I've backed away from those things that would cause me problems in a relationship. See, I think sometimes it's simplicity of what we do. If we know what to do, that's great. But if we know what not to do, that's often even better. Because if we avoid those pitfalls in early sobriety, or in our relationships, or in our life, if we just avoid those, the good comes.
I was having an issue. I had a new sponsor. My sponsor is Howard P. from Gilbert, Arizona. My home group is in Gilbert. It's called the We Ain't Dead Yet group. Laughter Howard is a wonderful man. I love him more than I could even tell you. He's just got tremendous wisdom and insight. And he's my best friend. I went to see him. I was having some issue. When he first started sponsoring, I don't remember what the issue was, but I remember the answer to the issue.
And that was, your life is in divine order unfolding into goodness. And I said, I've got a problem. Laughter And he said, your life is in divine order unfolding into goodness. And then he followed it up and he said, if you look back through all the, and this is kind of a challenge if you want, you know, given in love. If you look back, this is Howard speaking to me, if you look back through all the circumstances and events in your life
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that bring you to where you are right at this moment, you will be able to see, if you're honest, that God has been pulling a golden thread through all of those circumstances, all of those events that led you to where you are right now. I went home and I meditated on that. And I began to see in my mind's eye the circumstances and events that led me to where I was at that time. And I could see how often I didn't get what I wanted.
But it worked out way better. It wasn't the way Mike would have orchestrated it, but it was far better. I was down in South Carolina doing one of these AA deals. And I had the privilege of spending the day with a guy down there who was an author and a movie person. And we were hanging out and he was showing me around and we were having conversations. You know that tape library that I talked about, the largest AA tape library in the world?
Well, I have that now. We brought it into my home. Actually, my wife is really, really cool. She let me remodel the living room and make that a historical tape library. And we've got 3,500 reel-to-reel recordings in there. And over the past few years, we've been working to try to get those digitized so that we can make them available to all future generations of Alcoholics Anonymous and Alanah and all the other fellowships.
That's kind of a service project that we've committed ourselves to, and I'm grateful for that opportunity. And I'm also grateful for the opportunity to know the history of that and to listen to those recordings and to be part of that work. And Bill, this day, says, you know, maybe we ought to write a book sometime. And I'm like, oh, yeah, that would be a great idea. That would be kind of like Mark saying, you want to play golf next time you're in town, you know?
And I'd be like, yeah, sure. About a year later, he calls me up and he says, are you still interested in writing that book? And I said, well, yeah, that'd be cool. He says, would you mind if I talked with the publisher? You know, first we'd kind of discuss what we might want to do. Then he said, would it be all right with you if I talked to the publisher? I'm like, yeah, go ahead. You know, I'm kind of busy anyway.
A couple of weeks later, he says, the publisher's really interested in publishing the book. Would it be all right with you if I had my attorney negotiate the terms of the contract? Yeah, go ahead, that'd be fine. A couple of weeks later, I get a contract, I sign it, they send me a check. I haven't written a word. Now, I love to tell you that, you know, I just faced that and I knew my life was in divine order, unfolding into goodness.
I was scared to death. I was like, what am I going to do? I never had a word published. I'm the guy that, you know, got the diploma that I told you about. Here I am writing a book and a publisher paid me to do it. I did what you taught me to do. You taught me that I got drunk and we get sober. You taught me that this program wasn't about me. This program was about me getting out of the way and me letting you work through me and my God work through me.
Is that just how it works? And I took those steps and I began to do the work. And I talked to people in recovery and in the program. I shared some of what I was doing and they encouraged me. They lifted me up. They didn't say, oh, no, you can't do it. They all said, this is great. You're doing a great job. Keep doing it. And I kept writing. And that book was published and came out. A few months later the publisher called me up and said, would you be willing to do another book for us?
I'm on my fourth book in two years. That's what it's like today. That's a golden thread. I didn't plan on writing books. I had no idea that that's the direction my life was going to take. People say, are you a good writer? No, but I'm a darn good storyteller. Alcoholics Anonymous, man. That's where I learned. That's where I got my education. This has been my school. Yeah, I learned some things on the street.
I learned some things growing up. But this has been my school. Big John used to say, kid, will you make me breakfast today? And I'd say, yeah, sure, John. He'd say, make me a couple of eggs and could you put some yolk on them? I'd give it a try. I'd make him breakfast. I don't know what it tasted like, but I know for the next day and a half
[01:00:01]
he went around complimenting the kid on how good of a cook I was. The kid makes me breakfast. He's the best cook I ever had. He said one day, he said, kid, could you make me spaghetti and meatballs? I grew up in Buffalo, man. I can make snowballs like ain't nobody in this room, okay? Now, I did watch my mother make these things and I knew you put meat and eggs and bread in there. They looked like snowballs when I was done, okay?
I got two weeks of compliments out of my spaghetti and meatballs. This kid is the best cook that I've ever seen. See, what he was doing is he was reaching down to where I was and he was lifting me up. He was finding things that I could do. He was giving me the suggestions to do it. Then he was praising me for doing it. Do you think I wanted to be with you? Do you think I wanted to come to Alcoholics Anonymous?
If you're working with a newcomer, I beg you to please find what they're doing right. Lift them up. They don't need to know what they're doing wrong. See, I was beaten down. Alcoholism beat me so low that I needed someone to say, you can do it, kid. They lifted me up. That's been my experience through all these years and now here I am writing the books and what do people come up and say, would you sign my book?
I'm like, get out of here. Come on, man, that's going way too far, okay? I mean, it is. You know, I am blessed, you know, and all I'm doing is what I'm called to do, okay? I mean, that's all I'm doing. People say, what do you do for work? I'm like, embarrassed. Like, I don't know. You know? It's like, I just get up in the morning and know it's going to be better than any day I ever had. My wife and I pray together because I learned to do that in Alcoholics Anonymous.
We share things together. I have three magnificent kids. They're teenagers. Two of them are in college and one's in high school. Yeah, my life isn't problem-free. I can tell you the things they're doing that, you know, I'd love to control, you know, all that. AA's taught me that that's not how I can live my life today. My life today is to encourage them and help bring out of them the best that they can be, like you brought out of me the best that I can be, and I hope that I'm being a good example.
Dr. Bob, in his last talk, said if you took Alcoholics Anonymous and you simmered it down to just two things, you'd have love and you'd have service. And I said to my sponsor, what's love? This is early in sobriety. He said, Mike, love is an unbiased attitude of goodwill toward everyone. And I said, what is that? He said, well, that just means you don't wish that guy to get hit by a car. I thought, okay.
They really had to lower the bar for me, all right? And we all know what service is. Service is what Ebi brought to Bill, and Bill brought to Bob, and Bill and Bob brought to Bill, and it grew, and that was giving of ourselves to the next man or woman without expectation of return. My sponsor, my first sponsor, a sponsor was a man named Dick, and having this library, I've been privileged to listen to countless historical talks.
Now, I listened to one of his talks, and he closed it this way, and I've decided that I would close every meeting that I get to share the same way. It says, love is, or a bell is not a bell until we ring it, and a song is not a song until we sing it. And love wasn't put in our hearts to stay. Love is only love if we give it away. And AA is only AA if we give it away. God bless you.