Audio
Transcript
Source: Mike D – Steel City Woodstock (2023) – Steps 10 and 11 – Date Unknown.mp3 File: mike-d-steel-city-woodstock-2023-steps-10-and-11-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 01:01:48
============================================================
Good morning, everyone. My name is Michael Donnelly. I'm an alcoholic. Great to be here today. I'm just saying, I think the people in Pittsburgh need to really just let their walls down a little bit. You guys are a little stuffy. No, I'm just kidding. The energy last night was incredible and the laughter in the hallway and just watching twos and threes and fours gather off in the little corners. You guys are great. Give yourselves a round of applause, really. Fantastic. What a great fellowship here. And Nancy and the crew, amazing.
Bill? Eh. But honestly, much better than average. So, terrific. How do you not love this guy? And all the guys who tape, like they do carry and allow us to receive the message of Alcoholics Anonymous through a myriad of sources. And just the gavel and the baton they carry bringing our history to us. So, my name is Michael Donnelly. I'm an alcoholic. And it is great to be here this morning. And again, thank you very much for having me. Wonderful group of people. So, I wanted to just finish up a little bit from last night. And then we'll jump right into 10 and 11 because it's a nice bridge there. And, you know, we were talking about my mom last night. And what an amazing lady she was. And when she was in hospice, we got word that she had stage four ovarian cancer. She wouldn't have much time to live.
But we had developed a relationship over the years. And I finally saw the beauty in my mom. I mean, I really, really did. And when she was in hospice, we'd have all these conversations. I live in Sioux Falls. As you know, she was in Chicago. And so, every Friday, I'd jump in the car and I'd drive to Chicago and spend Saturday and Sunday morning with her, get back in the car, drive back to Sioux Falls. And I was traveling for work in Indianapolis one of these weeks while she was in hospice. And it just hit me, right? Hey, maybe your mom's got some stuff, like we have some stuff, and we need a process to fix it. Maybe your mom's got some stuff, like I don't know. And so, I called her up on the phone, right? And I just had a little conversation with her. And I said, mom, remember when we did that, you know, that conversation that was trying to make things right with you and all that?
And she's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, is there anything out there? And she's like, I don't think so. You know, I think I'm all right. My mom was an extremely spiritual lady and likely had covered that in her heart with the Lord for many years before that. But anyways, long story short, I'm driving around Indianapolis for work and my phone rings. It's my mom. And I'm like, hey, mom, how are you? Good, good. How are you? Good, good. She says, hey, next time you're in town, she says, remember that thing we were talking about? I said, yeah. She said, you know, there's a couple of people I wouldn't mind you having to go see for me. I was like, absolutely, I'm in. And so, I drove into Chicago that weekend and, I don't know, my eighth step was there was, it was so many things on there, you know, like a roll of bounty paper towel just rolling down the hall, you know. My mom had two names on the corner of a magazine from the hospice she was in, just two names. And it was like torn off, you know. And we didn't know where these people were and so I got to take these two names and I got to drive around the city of Chicago looking for these people. And I had the honor of walking and I found both people and I got to look them square in the eye and say, Ann Marie Donnelly wants to make this right. What can we do to make this right? And they gave me some things to do and we did them. And I got to tell you, the elevation that I felt in my soul driving back to hospice to go tell my mom that we got those done, it's indescribable. It's absolutely indescribable. And I didn't think I could feel higher or lighter or more happy or joyful until I walked in and handed her back the piece of paper with the two names crossed off the list. And then to see my mom be elevated and my mom to find the freedom that all of you gave to me so that I might have an opportunity to share that with my mom. So thank you. Thank you. Take this home with you. Like not just a conference and all that stuff but like these things really matter that they get lived out in our homes. These things really matter, right? Like I don't know if you've heard but some of us are a little hypercritical about the homes we've come from. It's one of our secrets. We don't talk about it that often, right? Imagine our
[00:05:01]
homes if these things were lived out right in front of us. And in many homes they were. I think in mine they were, right? But man, to just to have them try to be alive at the dinner table, to have them be alive at the living room, to have them be alive at the birthday parties. Like I'm really happy that you guys were so gracious to me last night coming up and thanking me for what God has done in my life, you know? Isn't that strange?
You thanked me for what he did. That's so weird, you know? But it's beautiful, right? And I appreciate that and I'm really grateful that I get to do this stuff. But the truth is, if I go home today and what I told you wasn't true, if I go home today and my wife is not happy that I walked in the house, if I go home today and my sons don't respect me as a dad or my grandkids don't love me as papa, like even if I'm with you and I stay sober which is a great gift and I'll take it, I love sobriety. Don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say. Like it's incomplete without them. It's just incomplete without them.
You know, we're going to talk this morning about that process. So look, I don't know, I don't really know what I thought was wrong with me outside of a drinking problem. I knew some other things were wrong but I couldn't really find the words for it. I didn't really know how to express it. And I'm in the book and I'm trying to understand and I'm going with Joe and I'm doing things and, you know, and slowly, slowly, slowly this like, this crazy sort of ball of rubber bands that I carried around in my stomach began to just sort of like they would be popping off, like one or two would come off and there'd be less tension in the stomach, you know. But it took time and it took work. It didn't happen just because I sat in meetings. I needed to take what was being discussed and read in the meetings into my own life and then bring it home, bring it to my work. And to me, that's what 10 and 11 are all about, right? 10 and 11, I think, are really about taking these things that we share together and bringing them out to the world, you know. And as I do that, like, there's going to be things that I run into that I didn't know were wrong with me.
Other parts of that rubber band ball inside of me that I didn't just didn't or couldn't see early on. And, you know, we have these wonderful promises, right? Christina talked about them as you move in from 8, 9 into 10, right? And it says in our book that we're supposed to practice 10 and 11 as we're cleaning up the past. And I was taught that that means once I start writing my four-step down, that I can start this stuff immediately. I don't have to not do anything in prayer and in inventory additionally until I'm done with nine. I got to, uh-oh, right? I mean, that's not, I'm not going to be on a great track if that's the case, right? So as I'm cleaning up the past, I can start these things. I can begin to practice them in the moment. And I really think that's the 10 step. I really think the 10 step is about just sort of staying alive in the moment, trying to be aware. Our book says that we're to look for four things, selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. It says when these crop up, right? We do four things. We look for four things and we see any combination of them, we do four things. And the first thing we do is we ask God to remove it. We talk to someone. If I see like a pattern of things in my life, I call my sponsor. Talk to a friend, right? Third thing, make amends quickly if we've harmed anyone, right? And then that fourth thing, man, the magic, the magic of AA. Resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Resolutely turn our thoughts. So I don't know how that looks, right? I know, I know we have varying opinions. The 12 in 12 talks about different types of inventory, right? Like an annual overview, right? Kind of a, a regularly evening thing, right? And then, you know, the spot check deal. I, I tend to try as best I can. I'm not great at it, not perfect at it, but I'm better at it than I used to be to just sort of live in the spot check, right? I mean, just for me, right? Like if something happens at work, I acted out selfishly, I owe somebody an amends. Like I don't think I'm called to like wait until the evening to write it all down and then go back to that person the next day if I can clean it up right now and not worry about it, right? I think, right? These are thinks not knows, right? So I don't know how this works for you, but here's, I'm just trying to give an example of how it seems to work for me. So I'm walking through life, I'm doing stuff, hanging out with you guys, having coffee, laughing in the hallways, I'm at work, right? Trying to sell some lumber, I'm doing this, I'm trying to do the other and these thoughts come at me, right? A couple of smiles going, uh-oh, he's not going to
[00:10:05]
talk about the thoughts, is he? Yeah, I am going to talk about the thoughts. Because what the hell else is there, really, if you think about it? So I don't know about you, but I'm like walking through life and out of nowhere comes greed, fear, worry, distrust, animosity, lust, envy, jealous, like boom, it's just there. I'm not asking for it, I don't want it, I wish those neighbors would leave, but they apparently have moved into the neighborhood and they ain't going anywhere, right? It just happens. Now what am I going to do with that? Well, there's a few options. Act on it, wouldn't recommend that, but it is an option. It is an option. Ignore it, it's also an option, right? Don't feed the dog, right? I mean, there's merit in that for sure, I think. But the idea that those four things would come into practical application when in the midst of me being tormented with a temptation. I don't know how temptation hits you, but they seem to have some cousins, they travel in packs, right? Some little bastard's crime in your head, right? And then right next to it is the cousin of confusion. Should I, shouldn't I, should I, shouldn't I, should I, shouldn't I? If I even get there, God forbid the impulse cousin is with me, we're all in trouble, right? That is not good. But these are the kind of swish that, you know, the fish that swim around my fish bowl, these are real things for me. And I don't necessarily like them, I'm not proud of them. I don't necessarily want them in my head. They're not the kind of thing I would normally just bring up in a conversation, you know? I was walking through the mall one day, this is many years ago, and I first realized like I am out to get me. That was in the first realize that, and there's a guy walking the other way in the mall, he did nothing. He did nothing. Nothing. He's just walking the other way in the mall. Remember that? I just, I didn't like his swag, I didn't like how bad he thought he was, because I know how thought he was, right? Of course I do. Just boom, there it is. And the thought, I'm not kidding, the thought in my head was, go over and punch that guy right in the head. I couldn't spell his name. I don't know who the guy is.
I know nothing about him. And boom, there it is. Now you are one sick person when you have to like talk yourself through a hallway of a mall without just randomly hitting someone. Don't do it, keep walking, don't do it, keep walking, don't do it, keep walking. Crisis averted for no reason. Now that's just one of a myriad of, but they get in there, you know? What am I going to do with that? Again, I could act out, don't want to do that, we all know that. I could ignore it. Again, merit in that, but this beautiful outline that Bill has given us, to ask God to remove it, to ask God to remove the temptation before it manifests itself into behavior in the material world where I might harm you or me, might harm people I love, like what if I could stop it there and it never got out? That would be awesome. And to me, that's what this spot check 10 step deal does, is it stops me from being me, right? What a beautiful thing that is. And it allows me and affords me an opportunity to be somebody that God would have me be, right? A prayerful son, someone in need, a moment to surrender, right? To go back to right size as a 12 and 12 foot tall. And for some reason, it gets past that deal and I do act out. I should make amends as quickly as possible. Four parts, right? Hey, here's what I did, I'm really, I regret that. How can I make this right? Some of those are pretty obvious, especially if we're really close to the offense, we can see it pretty clear. It's only after time where we keep retelling the story about how they were wrong that it gets a little gray, right? But early, it's pretty black and white. And then the magic, man, I'm telling you. This idea of resolutely turning your thoughts to someone you can help, I mean, that's an amazing bit of spiritual suggestion for the tempted, right? And I got to tell you, the guys that I sponsor in this program, I am so grateful for them. They have taught me more about this program than I have ever taught them, period, end of discussion. That is true.
Ever Taught Them, Period, End of Discussion. That is true.
[00:15:01]
You see, there's all kinds of things that I didn't know were in the Big Book that are actually in the Big Book. Especially under this little caption of resolutely turning our thoughts to someone we can help. Because we talk about that. Hey man, when this happens, like, what are you going to do? Who are you going to help? Or they'll call me. They'll be like, Mike, I'm really afraid right now. Okay, what are you afraid of? Boom, this.
Do you ask God to remove it? No, not yet. Okay, I'll hold. I got that from Sandy because, look, we're either going to talk about this stuff or we're going to do this stuff. And when someone calls me and they're full of fear, they don't need like a twenty minute lecture from the master about what fear is. Give me a break. They called me. They're terrified. Right now, they could define it better than me. They don't need a lecture from me.
Why are they calling? Because I have all the answers? Because I'm smart? God forbid. They're lost. That's what lost means. There's no direction. Not sure where I'm going. And if I point them to me or how smart I am, I think I'm keeping them lost. Right? I don't even have my answer, let alone theirs. I'm supposed to be pointing them to the one who has all power. That's all really sponsorship is, I think, is just a person who points well.
Here's the book. Do that. Go over here. Here's a piece of paper. Write it down. And when those temptations hit those boys and they call me, like I got to point them to God. I don't have to point them to me. They're in real trouble if I'm their answer. There's hope if he is. Did you pray about it? No. I'll hold. You can do it out loud if you'd like. You can do it silently in your heart. Doesn't matter to me.
Whatever you're most comfortable with. We get through that. Sometimes they say yeah. Like after two calls they say yeah. I don't know if they have done that, but they just they don't want that I'll hold thing going on, right? So then we talk about it. Did you harm anyone or did you catch it? No, I did this. Okay. Well, what do you think you need to do to make that right? Well, I should probably give the fifty bucks back.
I should probably tell her the truth. Whatever it is. Okay, great. Resolutely turn your thoughts to someone we can help. What are you going to do for somebody else? Well, I don't know. There's nobody around me. Okay. Make a list of five things. Call me right back. Stuff you can do right now for someone else. Simple stuff. Right? Hold the door for someone. Bill doesn't put a volume on it. Like little things don't matter. Like he didn't do that.
He just said resolutely turn your thoughts to someone you can help. In any way, any shape, any form. At least that's my experience. And so, man, I've heard all kinds of things from the men I sponsor. I have one gentleman that I sponsor. He's a great guy. His wife has a really bad back. And every evening, after he gets home from work, she stays at home with the kids, which is also a big job. Picking them up, running them around, going to the store, managing the house.
When the kids go down, he gives her a back rub. Back rubs aren't in the big book. Yes, they are. I have another guy that I sponsor. He plays catch with his son in the backyard. Baseball's not in the big book. Yes, it is. Ask his son. I mean, my guys have shown me how simple and beautiful this program is. Not some complex order of steps that we're supposed to make sure everybody knows we know really well.
They're really small acts of love and kindness and humility and surrender that I have to implement into my life. In small second-to-second doses. I used to think life was about these huge, monstrous things. I think they're about the small and the puny now. Really, I'm dead serious. I called my wife yesterday before I came up, which I always do. She's got some health issues. She can't travel with me.
So we always talk and we always pray before I come up. I just love this woman to death. I talked about it last night. She happened to be with my three grandchildren. So we're on FaceTime and I'm at dinner. I get up and I run away because the kids are there and I want to pay attention to them. You know what they told me? Papa, where are you at? I'm like, I'm in Pittsburgh. Hank's a big football fan.
So he's like, aren't the Steelers out there? I said, yes, yes. But they don't have a pro team. Sorry. Sorry. Thank you. Okay. Let's be clear. Have you prayed or should I hold? Just kidding. Just kidding. Just kidding.
[00:20:01]
Just kidding. Just kidding. So yeah, I said, yeah, Hank, whatever, right? And they always ask me the same thing. Papa, what are you doing talking out there? What are you doing talking out there? And I'm sorry. They're little. I'm not going to be like, well, Papa destroyed his whole existence. I'm not going to do that. So what I always say is, hey, there's some people in the world that don't know that God loves them.
Like you guys. You guys know God loves you. They're like… Some people don't know that. So Papa, every now and then, gets to go tell them. That's it. Right? My wife sends me a text. When I got off the phone last night, my three grandchildren, my son and my wife, were all hanging out together in their living room, got on their knees and they prayed for everybody in this room. That's fantastic. Right?
It's fantastic. I got to take it home. I got to take it home. If all of you think I'm a good speaker, thank you. If all of you think I'm a good AA member, thank you. If my sponsor loves the work I do, and how diligent I am, and all these things, if the area and the district that I serve and service positions think I'm a wonderful servant, like, great. But if my wife, my kids and my grandkids don't know that God loves them because of the way I treat them, something's wrong with my program and that's why I'm doing this.
That has to be first. I think. So. Anyways, the tenth step, these beautiful promises. If I'm doing that stuff, if I'm trying to stay alert and trying to stay awake right now, right now, and I begin slowly to chip away at these things that are broken inside of me, I'm going to get a little bit better life. And at some point, I'm going to bump into more things that are wrong with me that I didn't know were wrong with me when I started this journey.
I'm going to discover what love is and how imperfectly I exercise that virtue. And so I'm going to be challenged and pushed to go further. And that means my whole idea of God needs to be evolving and moving forward and growing as well. The things that I thought about my behavior and about God at six months and what I thought about God and my behavior at two months. But at three years, I had to do it all over again.
And then at five years. I've been in Alcoholics Anonymous since August 27th of 1991. I better be a different man by now. That's not shocking. What I'm supposed to be is a better man than yesterday, no matter how much time I have. Am I more open? Am I trying to love better? What's in me that needs to just be destroyed and set aside? What do I need to surrender to God to give him the freedom to do that in me?
Because I don't think he says no to me. I think I say no to him. Hey, this is broken. Will you fix it? What do you do? Say no? No, I really love you a mess. This is wonderful. Like maybe, okay. No, he loves me as a mess. If there's desires in me to be better, I'll bet you there's desires in him to help me be better. Where would that come from otherwise? And this little process in the 10th step really, really allows me the freedom to sort of be better in the moment, in spite of the turmoil and some of the insane thoughts that still run through my head after 31 years of being with you.
I don't have to act on that. And I don't have to judge me against my actions, but not a temptation, especially if I'm not feeding the temptation. Right? If I'm not throwing stakes to the mutts that live in the head, then there's no reason to hold me accountable to that. It's just a thought. You didn't act on it. Like, move on. And that brings me to step 11, which I think is just, man, this thing is amazing.
This is where we take what we know are the limits and shatter that whole theory. Because with an infinite God, our potential is infinite. I'm not my potential. Me plus God is my potential. And look, if I'm staying or trying to stay in communion with him, in connection with him, in unity with him, if I'm trying to love my family, my friends, the people, the newcomers, if I'm trying to do the basic stuff of life, I think he's got more for me.
At least the satisfaction
[00:25:01]
at a deeper and deeper level on simple things. I'm probably not going to be the guy that saves the world. That's just not true. I'm just not going to be that guy. But when the newcomer helps him through the book, I can do that. And so can you. How do you change the world? One person at a time. That's it. And my job isn't even the world. My job is the next face that comes at me and says, can you help?
I heard this great talk, Mildred F. from Toronto. We were at Clancy I's 60th birthday down in Atlanta. And there was a few people and they were talking about their favorite memories of Clancy and the different things that he had done and their experience with him. And she talked about that she was on a panel with him many, many decades ago. And there was a guy who came up maybe two years sober, right?
And he, big book under his arm, you know, two years of sobriety, ready to crush the guy. He's ready to crush Clancy. And he hears this rumor, right? He hears this rumor that Clancy sponsors people all over the world and there's like 40,000 pigeons and, you know, just like this folklore. So he kind of aggressively comes at him. And he says, yeah, my question for the sponsorship panel is that, Clancy, so there's rumors that you sponsor all these guys and you do all this and you do all that.
He's like, let's end the myth, right? How many people do you actually sponsor rather than this, you know, garbage with Clancy? And Mildred said that she just sort of, the whole room went, uh-oh, right? I mean, you know, this is, ch-ch, right? You just, you know, right? Didn't happen. Man rubs his head, fixes his glasses as he often did, right? And he said, you know, I'm so glad you asked this question.
You know, it's true, I sponsor a lot of people and this morning in my meditation, I screwed them all up and I got a number. You know? And it turns out, I'm one short. And at the end of the meeting, I'd love to give you my phone number if there's ever anything I can do for you, I'd like you to give me a call. So much for the myth of an angry old man. Right? I mean, look, the people in Alcoholics Anonymous taught me how to love and taught me how to serve and taught me how to do this stuff and he wants to give me more of that in my own way, customized to my own mistakes, in my own family, with all those personalities.
The solution that he has for me certainly is broad in general, like love them and be kind to them, be respectful and responsible. In a broad sense, that's right. But in a very Mike Donnelly sense, it's customized to me, it's my life. It's like he surgically uses a router to perfectly cut out the right component for the missing part of my heart. Not your heart, my heart. But the answers he gives you aren't for my heart, they're for your heart.
They're custom fit to you. All those broken spots of my heart, if I let him in, he will customize a perfectly fit solution for each one of them. I just have to stay with him. I just have to be with him. You see, I think he's the answer, not the fixed circumstances. The fixed circumstances are like the fruit of his presence. His presence is the answer. His presence, I think, is the answer. So how do I do that?
Well, we've got a morning section in our book, right? We've got an evening section in our book. And I've got to tell you, when I was new, it sounded like that evening section and the morning section. It was kind of like the tenth step. I didn't know what was going on. And then our beautiful history. Cleveland ladies, right? Beautiful history of Alcoholics Anonymous. I bump into this guy named Father Ed Dee, right?
And he was a Jesuit. So I'm like, I wonder what a Jesuit is. I start reading about that. Hey, I wonder what… And all of a sudden I discover this thing called the examine prayer. Now Bill didn't even know he was writing things that would attract a guy like Father Dolly. He didn't even know that the spirituality he was writing about in our big book was very closely the spiritual exercise of St. Ignatius of Loyola, who was the founder of the Jesuits.
He didn't know that. Bill had no clue of that. But it was so tight, it was so close to what Father Dolly had been taught, he was blown away. He had to go find the author. Right? Our eleventh step is somewhat, somewhat of an examine prayer. Where we ask ourselves questions to bring out memories and thoughts of the day or a close proximity to those and assess them and bring them together. to them about it.
It's beautiful.
[00:30:01]
And then of course, you know, the smallest portion of our 11 step discussion in our big book is the biggest part of the day. As we go through the day, we pause when agitated or doubtful. And that idea of being agitated, like, I don't know about you, but like, eh, it's a pretty common place for me. But agitation, I got one of those in my washing machine, right? It's slow tick, slow tick, slow tick, slow tick, slow tick, agitation, right?
And what am I supposed to do? I'm supposed to pray for the right thought or action. I think he means, and then, you know, do it, right? Not just have it swim around the fishbowl, I prayed about it, you know, and do it, right? And then this idea where I'm supposed to bring to mind, right? I say to myself many times each day, thy will not mine be done, right? And again, hey, I wonder why you chose that.
Who says that? What's this about? I would get all these questions, you know? And it turns out that's a kind of prayer too. I didn't have any idea of that. I'm sure Bill didn't have any idea of that. And if we don't know the answers about this, it doesn't matter, right? Look, we love our history, but that's never going to keep me sober. Relationship with God is going to get me sober. Knowing all this little trinket, salt and pepper facts about the big book, all kinds of cool stuff, like that's awesome.
And you might win, you know, Big Book Jeopardy, if you're ever at the Atwood Conference, right? Which is awesome, you know? But like it's not going to, it isn't going to help when the fish are swimming around the fishbowl, you know? Like it's interesting that Ebby's middle name is Throckmorton, okay? I would have drank too if my name was Throckmorton, I'll just be honest with you. But it's not going to keep me sober, right?
So this is a monologic prayer, it means it's different than a mantra. A mantra is an invocation, a monologic prayer is when you find one truth and you grab onto it and you try to put it in your mind and live it out in your heart, right? Thy will not mine be done. Thy will not mine be done. Hey, this is happening, thy will not mine be done. Hey, that's… It's like, it's like I'm, it's like the world's trying to spook me and get me scared.
When I was a kid, we used to walk through these fun houses, right? Little carnivals would come to town, right? And it was always like the fun house or the haunted house, you know? And as you got past like 10, you're like, this is ridiculous, right? But before 10, it was like, oh my gosh. Everything spooked you, right? Walk past crazy mirrors and you're like, do I really look like that? Like I don't know about you, that is my life.
My life is a fun house. And I'm walking around looking at silly stuff, wondering if it's true, right? Because it feels true. It's just a silly mirror. It's not true. It's a twisted, morbid reflection of the truth, all right? Prayer and meditation help the mirror get straight. It straightens out the mirror a little bit, you know? And beyond that, I think spirituality, I had a guy that I hung out with in Sioux Falls and he's a great buddy of mine, I love him to death, his name is Mark.
And Mark always says, Mike, spirituality is not a mirror. It's a window, right? It's not a mirror that I'm, like the 10th and 11th step aren't like me constantly, like how am I doing, I'm going, right? How spiritual am I? Did I perform correctly in front of the audience? Did this go, did this go right? What do they think of me? How's it, it's not about taking my spiritual pulse every second of every day to make sure I'm okay.
It's a window. I have to certainly see my reflection. I have to do inventory. But if all I'm doing is inventory and I'm not looking through the window to other people, right, we're about to hear, I'm sure, a magnificent talk on step 12. And if step 10 and step 11 are anything, they're preparation for what I'm going to need to do the work that I'm going to be called to do in step 12 because it's part of his will for my life.
God did not give me an 11-step program. He gave me a 12-step program. If it stopped at 11, it would be a self-help program. It would be really wonderful. I'm sure we'd all get great results from it. But it is an infinitesimally bigger than that because of the 12-step, all right? This is not about me. It's about us. There's two parts to this. Whether I'm going to let God fix me, for what purpose? Our third step tells us that, right?
I'm supposed to be a witness to those people that I would help. What if I'm not helping anybody? Take away my difficulties that victory over them, not acceptance of, by the way. I just got assaulted by 30% of the room. Sorry, visually. I love you. It's okay. I'm just saying victory over them, right? For what? So I can stand and receive appropriate accolades?
[00:35:01]
No. So that victory over them may bear witness to those people that I would help. Of three things, right? Thy love, thy power, and thy way of life. And if those three things are active in my moment, I'm likely more capable of serving and helping you. And if I'm connected and I can serve and help you and you get connected, man, what if you did it too, right? I don't know how many people came this week and I didn't hear a count.
Several hundred anyways, right? What if everybody brought one next year? Nancy would lose her mind. But I mean, the point is, right? Right? I mean, you know, it'd be great. Pardon me, ma'am? 345 people this week. That's great. How awesome is that? 345. What if it was seven next year from one extra person? That between now and 12 months from now, we met at a newcomer's meeting? Or we invited out to coffee?
That'd be pretty awesome, right? That's never going to happen if I'm not involved here. You see, what I thought was wrong with me is I thought I had a drinking problem. I don't have a drinking problem. I have something significantly worse, something more significantly sinister than a drinking problem. It's called alcoholism. And it's three parts like we talked about. It's a physical allergy. It's a mind that lies to me.
And it is a broken soul. And the direct result of that is that I do not have the power to live the life that my heart is calling me to live. To me, that's what I need is power. I remember when I was a little kid, my mom and I were walking through Toys R Us after my dad died. And we came around this like corner display unit. And there were these boxes of toys. And they were the robot from the show Lost in Space, right?
And it was awesome, man. Yeah, Danger, Will. That's right. Danger, that's exactly right. And I wanted to be Will Robinson. I wanted to fly around the universe, man, have adventures, right? Hang out with this robot. Have everybody be jealous of me, see how great I was. I had an issue. The boy's a little tense, right? So I like turn into an amoeba on the floor of the Toys R Us. Mom, buy me the toy, buy me the toy.
She's like, look, look, look, look. It's November, right? Santa's coming pretty soon. If you're a good boy, Santa will bring you one for Christmas, right? She lied to me, right? I was a bad boy. But Santa brought one anyways because I had a good mother, right? And I remember opening this thing up, man, and I lost my mind. I was like, you know, get the head spin from a kid, right? It's great. And I remember I played with that doll.
I opened the thing up, and I took the doll out. And the couch was like one planet, right? And then I went over, and the chair was another planet. I would walk it down the stairs like it was a crater into the moon, you know? I mean, unbelievably fantastic. And somewhere around the 6th or 7th of January, I don't know, my mom runs off to this place I don't even think exists anymore called Walgreens. And she buys these D batteries.
And she shoves it into the ass end of the thing, and it lights up like the 4th of July. It was unbelievable. It had like a cylinder on its head, and it starts flashing stuff, right? The arms are moving. It had like little C arms or something, like grappling things. A little thing comes out of the back. If you push one button, it rolls forward. Push another button, it rolls backwards. Hit the red button.
There it is. Danger, Will Robinson, danger, right? You know, I think that's Alcoholics Anonymous. Because when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I was just like that doll on Christmas. Batteries not included. I had no power. As we have heard this weekend, steps 1 through 9 give us those D batteries. They give us a source of power. They allow us access to a power greater than ourselves that can give us new life.
And that's really what AA is about. Not a better life, not self-improvement, a new life. A new life, a brand new kind of life. Instead of takers, we become givers, right? That's incredible. And we feel good about it. We don't feel like we've lost anything. We feel like we're getting more as we do it. It's just so weird, you know? Steps 10, 11, and 12 keep those batteries charged for bigger adventures, for newer experiences,
[00:40:01]
for greater enlightenment. It is a limitless expansion of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous in 10, 11, and 12. If we'll do what we can to live there as imperfectly as we will, and that's OK too. As long as we get back up after each fall. One of my favorite authors, a guy named C.S. Lewis, says the very first thing that God ever teaches his kids is how to get back up, because it's the one thing we'll need for the rest of our walk with him.
And I thought, that's pretty good. I thought, that's pretty good. You know, as we grow and as we try to understand this thing we call life in Alcoholics Anonymous, and these steps give us the vehicle to kind of do that. You know, I got to tell you, prayer and meditation is, to me, it's like everything. I see it in all the steps. I don't know why you're here, but I know one of the reasons why I'm here, and that's that my mother prayed for me.
Before I ever knew what Alcoholics Anonymous was about, I believe I got sober on the wings of my mother's prayers. I just believe that. And then as I got around a little while, guess what I heard? I heard that all of you were praying for people like me. I've been to some meetings around the country or the area where they'll say, for those who suffer and don't know about Alcoholics Anonymous. Let's close with the Lord's prayer, or let's close with a serenity prayer, whatever their local traditions are.
And they pray for the person who's not here yet. I don't know. Maybe you think that doesn't matter. I happen to think it does a lot, right? So, like, this idea of, like, attaching ourselves to that and being a vehicle for it, right? So that, you know, long before I got here, prayer and meditation was working in other people's lives so I could get step one, right? On page 47 in our big book, it says, do not let any prejudice you may have against spiritual terms deter you from honestly asking yourself what they mean to you.
That's meditation. And it's a practice that I've gone back to several times when I get lost. And I do get lost. And sometimes it is hard to pray. And sometimes I do feel like God moved to Bermuda and abandoned me, right? And I've got to find ways to come back to him. Because I know that's me. I know that's not him, right? And I can't just be okay with that. Like, maybe for a little bit I can be, but I don't want to live there, man.
I want to do stuff to get back home. I want to go home. Home is in his arms where I belong. I want to be back home as often as I can be back home. So step two has meditation in it, right? Do you ever do this? God, please, man, help me understand this in step two. There's prayer in that, too, I think, at a gut level, right? I'd be at conferences as all of you were teaching me about him through your experience.
It wasn't a lesson plan, but you were sharing your experience with me, right? And I remember saying, man, I wish, like our book says, I wish I had what that man has. And I would say, I'd be out there, I said, please, oh, man, it would be so great to, I wish I could have the faith of Sandy or the faith of Joe Friday or the faith of my friends. Step three certainly is formulated around a prayer. Step four we talked about, resentment prayers, fear prayers, prayers on sex.
Page 70 has four prayers about sex. It says, to sum up about sex, we earnestly pray for the right ideal, strength to do the right thing, guidance in questionable situations, and for sanity. For sanity, there is such a thing as sexual sanity. Giggle from the crowd, that was hilarious. You know what's great is you were all wanting to laugh, but one of you had the courage. Right? And step, look, step five, I'm admitting to God my defects of character, what's wrong with me?
Like, that's a prayer? Admitting to myself, to another person, and to God? Why wouldn't that be considered some prayer? Six and seven, absolutely, right? And eight, where am I going to get the willingness? Eight, from God, I pray for it. I don't know about you, I had willingness like right before the amend, and then when I would pull up in front of the door, I'd be like, all that willingness just left.
I am wimping out of this thing in a major way, right? And I'd be sitting in the car going, just help me get out of the car. Just help me get out of the car. Have him not shoot me, like whatever I was worried about, right? And sometimes there's people I can't find. My sponsor says, make a prayer list. Write down all the people that you need to be praying for, and just put something in there. You don't have to go to it every day.
You don't have to spend 17 hours a day praying, right? But just mark it somewhere. That was really helpful for me. You know, 10, 11, 12, like we say, right? I pray for my guys I sponsor every day. I am. My guys, I sponsor every day. I am so indebted to them. I am so grateful to them. They are the best men on the planet. I cannot tell you the things they have taught me by their
[00:45:03]
own example. I owe everything to them. And my sponsor, one of the finest men that's ever walked the earth, if you ask me. To be grateful for those people, simple prayers like, thank you God, thank you God, thank you God. Just anything to sort of bring me back home to his arms where I belong. Bring me back home. Bring me back home. So I can stay alert and awake because I don't know what you're going to need and I don't know what I'm going to be called upon to provide. But if I'm living out this third step, which I think is really all four through twelve is about. We make this decision and this decision is really important in step three. But it's going to be the follow through. It's going to be four through twelve that prove the abundance of that decision, the effectiveness of that decision, the power in that decision. So I've got to do the rest of the work. I've got to do the rest of the work. I want to close with an amends story because I think it just sums up everything that happened this weekend. And again, really thank you to all the speakers.
Thank you to everybody who's just been so gracious, whether it was a smile in the hallway or a cup of coffee. I met a nice lady from Canada who bought me coffee this morning. It was very, very sweet, yeah. But to hang out with friends, people that I respect. You know, last night, four of us sat around in a corner and talked until I don't know what time it was. Late. Late. So I think it was about 10.30, but. And it was great. It was great. It was great, yeah. Barb was really into it and I was, she asked me a question.
I tried to answer it and she'd go. Falling asleep. Laser beam. She was on it. And, but we had a great talk, right? And it was beautiful. It was wonderful. It was fantastic. You know, it was a great weekend. You know, let's take it home with us. If there's an amend you haven't done, call your sponsor. Let's just do this thing. Let's just do this thing. And let's bring one more person back next year, all right? But I remember I was making this eight step list out and there was one man I got really, really nervous on. Really nervous on. And because I had lied to him. I was working at this company and I lied to this guy because I don't know about you guys, but like if I'm in a sales contest, it isn't that I want to win, it's that I got to win, right? You know? You know? Because second place is the first of all losers, right? We know that. Everyone knows that. We deny it, but it's true. Anyway, so I got to win. So it's about average volume per sale, right? So I'm close, man. I'm close. And I go to this potential customer and I falsify the contract so he has to buy more things than he really does need to buy so that I can raise my average and win the contest. And I am stone cold sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous in my first year. My finest moment. But nonetheless, that's what happened. So I go to this guy and I'm like, here's what the deal is, blah, blah, blah. And he's like, well, what about, what are those? I don't remember you bringing those up before. And my head said, well, you weren't in second place when you showed them before, right? So I was like, he didn't know that, right? And I was like, well, I, you know, so anyway, so anyway, it's like Barb just, you know, that was on to the thing, right? So, it's, you know, and it little song and dance comes out, right? Ignore the man behind the curtain, right? And so he signs it. I win the contest. Victory, for like two seconds, right, that's it. And now, I feel horrible. I took first place from a guy who should have won. Maybe, maybe, but at least my stats were padded on this one particular deal. I didn't like that, right? Everyone's like, great job, great job. The more they said great job, guess how I felt? Worse. The victor only seemed to win, right? So, call the sponsor, here's the deal. I said, I got to go make this right with the guys, like, oh, you have a little more to do than that.
You know, like your company, you got to go and tell them what you did, that you falsified some stuff and you pretended and blah, blah, blah, you got to tell them the whole deal. And I'm like, they're not really going to like that. And he's like, probably right. And, but I did it. And my boss was like, look, look, look, why don't we, why don't we figure this out? Like, let's not be foolish, right? So, why don't we tell them that, like, next
[00:50:00]
year when it's time for renewal, that these things that you made him buy aren't an option. Like, he doesn't have to buy them anymore and you can encourage him out of it so that you don't have to repeat this. And I was like, that is something I can't do. Like, you had touched me already. You already got a hold of me. I didn't even know you got a hold of me. Thank you for getting a hold of me, all right? I was coming home and I didn't even know it. I said, yeah, I can't do that. She said, well, if he calls or causes any problems, I'm just going to tell him I didn't know about it and we'll figure it out. You got to do what you got to do. So, I went up to him and I called him up and his name was Joe, not my sponsor, Joe, but his name was Joe as well. And I was like, hey, Joe, you got a minute?
He's like, yeah. You all right? I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. No, I'm fine. I'm great. Everything's great. You got a minute? He's like, yeah. Come on over. So, I rode over there. And he's like, dude, you all right? Like, you were crazy on the phone. I'm like, no, I'm good. I'm good. And he's like, all right. And I'm like, look, I got to talk to you for a minute because, look, I did something to you that you didn't deserve to have done and I regret doing it but I did it and I want to make this right. So, what I need to do is tell you the story.
So, I go and tell him the story. And I said, look, I lied to you and I falsified this contract so that you would sign it so that I would win a sales contest because I'm an egomaniac boy and I got to win everything, right? So, look, I'm really sorry. I owe the difference is 750 bucks which frankly may not sound like a whole bunch today. But I got to tell you in 1991 when I was newly sober at 24 years old, that was, may as well have been a million bucks to me, right? And I go and I don't have it. I have $250 and in six weeks, I get another commission check and I will happily give you the balance five in six weeks but I don't have it today. He kind of gives me one of them. And he says, why are you here, Mike?
I said, good question. I almost thought I knew the answer but I guess I didn't. And I said, well, I stole this money from you and I need to pay it back. I need to make this right. He's like, no, no, I got that, right? But why are you here? Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this? Like I wouldn't know. Why are you doing this? And I just lost it, right? And I got choked up and I don't like to cry in front of people, right? I mean I have an image to uphold and, you know, tears do not help that image. So I just snap. I just lose it. And I'm like, Joe, I got to tell you, man, I have been a con my whole life. I've lied to people. I've done terrible things. I don't want to be that guy anymore.
And if I can make this right with you, the people that I'm running with now are telling me I don't have to be that guy ever again if I'll really do what they're telling me to do. And he's like, well, who are these people? And I was like, well, they're members of the Alcoholics Alliance. I was trying to protect them. I didn't want to break your anonymity to them. And I'm a giver. And so I said, look, all right, I'm an AA, right?
And I'm trying to work this program and this is what the program tells me to do and I'm trusting it and I'm doing it. And I start crying. I just start crying. And he said, Mike, can I tell you a story? And I was like, sure. You know, like what else are you going to say, you know? So he's like, look, when I was a kid, I used to do this thing with my brother. We'd go out to this farm and we would pick peas. And we have these baskets.
And if you fill the basket up with peas up to this line, you got a quarter. And if you didn't fill it up, you didn't get the quarter for that basket. And there were two bells that rang. One, when there was 15 minutes left to pick, you had to stay in your own row so the farmer knew which rows were picked. And then you had another bell that rang and that was like when the pickup truck or whatever it was, horse and buggy, I don't know what it was, but you had to be in it and get your butt back to the farmhouse. And you didn't, it's a long walk, right? You want to be in the pickup truck. He's like, so I'm out there picking one day. And it's like, it was strange. He's like, you would get almost unconscious with it. And you would just, you know, just start picking and you just sort of lose what you were doing. But you were really efficient by not paying attention. He's like, and one day I just heard this whistle and I looked over and across the horizon there, there was a train coming by. And as I'm watching this train, there was a little gully that drove over a bridge and a guy jumps off, like rolls like a hobo, like jumps off the train. And I was like, oh my gosh, you know? And he says, and he had like this big 10-gallon cowboy hat on. I was like, wow, that was wild. And he just keeps going. He's like, and then it's like out of the corner of my eye, I looked down my row and this guy with a 10-gallon
[00:55:01]
cowboy hat has it off and he's picking peas in my row and putting them in his hat. He says, Mike, I like completely got distracted by the guy. And I was thinking, you're taking my peas, you're taking my, like, this is crazy. I can't believe it. And so I got completely off my game and I heard the bell ring. And I looked down and I noticed that I wasn't going to be able to pick for the next 15 minutes and make this line. I was not going to get the quarter for this basket. And I was so angry at this guy. All right? So I'm, you know, raged. I'm turning around, I'm walking back to the road because I know the farmhouse truck is coming. And he hears, hey, kid. Joe says he turns around and there was this guy standing there, this hobo, right, with a 10-gallon cowboy hat. And he goes up to his basket and he just drops the peas in his basket. And Joe says, and he pokes me in the chest and he says, remember that kid, somebody gave you a hat full of peas one day and you didn't ask for one but you got one anyway. And someday, somebody is going to come knocking on your door and they're going to need a hat full of peas and you better give them one because somebody gave you one once. You know what I mean, Mike? And I was like, no, I don't want peas. I had no idea. He's like, I don't want your money. I don't want your money.
You can drop checks off here as far and as many times as you want to. I'm never cashing them. He said, you know, and by the way, I don't know what your career is like, you know. He's like, but if you're ever looking for a job, I want you to come see me because we could use an honest guy like you. The thief gets called honest only in Alcoholics Anonymous, only with the grace of God, only with the power of God. Is that even remotely possible?
And he said, maybe you don't want to be in our business. That's perfectly all right. If you ever need a letter of recommendation, I want you to call me. I'll have my secretary write it up. I'll sign it. You can just pick it up at the front desk. If I can ever help you, I want you to know that I'll be here for you. I mean, you can't write this, right? And I'm crying. He stands up and he comes around his desk and I'm a big guy. He's bigger than me and he does this. So I stand up and this guy gives me a letter of recommendation.
Gives me a hug. And I remember thinking two things. The first thing I thought was like, this is unbelievable. My God is present right here. And then the second thing was like, the guy just gave you a $750 break. Do not get snot on his tie. Be careful. I was conscious of both things in that minute. And then he grabs my shoulders and he kind of pushes me back just enough so he can look me in the eye. And he said, oh, one more thing. I'm giving you a hat full of peas. Pokes me in the chest. He said, don't forget it, kid, because you didn't ask for one. You got one anyway. And someday somebody's going to come knocking on your door and they're going to need a hat full of peas. And Mike, you better give them one because somebody gave you one once. You know what I mean? And I said, yeah, man, I know what you mean. And then he said one last thing. God's bigger than you and he's bigger than me. And he's sure the hell is bigger than $750. I got to tell you, this weekend Alcoholics Anonymous in general overall, my life since I met you has been in that hat full of peas. And my job is to try as best I can with all the flaws, all the wishing stuff that I was better, all the broken parts of me that I wish God would just take so I never have to deal with again, that he says, not yet, kid, not yet. But it's coming. Hang in there. It's coming. Not yet, though. These last couple of years, for as much as I love this program and you guys have given me nothing but joy, have been a challenge for me and my family. My son has gone through this divorce and I get to watch these three little kids that I love so much, Grace and Hank and Rose, who I would give my life for, cry and be in agony, right? And then we get around them and we play with them to just get that agony off for a little bit. I think that's the right thing to do. I don't know. Maybe it's not.
I have no idea what the right thing to do is except I know this because all of you have taught me and God has taught me. My job is to show up and love them. My job is to be right in the middle of all of the mess. When my son calls me, my job is not advice man. My job is shut up, listen and pray for to Me. I'm Trying to Stay Connected with God so I'll Be Kind and Loving to My Son because That's What I Think He Needs.
[01:00:02]
When I'm With My Grandchildren, I'm Constantly Trying to Pray for Them, Heal Them, Help Them, Heal Them, Help Them. They Don't Understand This. Heal Them. Help Them. Right? And No One Else is Going to Have That Vantage Point. Other People, I'm Sure, Will Pray for Them but No One Else Will Have That Vantage Point Except Me. I Got Mine. I Have to Bring That Vantage Point to My Father, to My Director, to My Principal so that I Can Be His Child and His Agent.
All of You Have Taught Me That. I Wish I Was a Better Man. I Hope to Be a Better Man Next Year but I'm Not. This Is It. But I Have Fallen in Love with Alcoholics Anonymous because of What It's Given Me and I Have Made Friends that I Care Very Deeply about Around This Whole Program. And I Can't Say Thank You Enough for This Life. It Means the World to Me. In Closing, I Want to Say that I Think There's Three Rules to Life and That's It.
The First One is to Do Whatever I Can to Receive God's Love. Whatever It Is, Prayer, Meditation, Inventory, Meetings, Working with Others, Going to Church, Saying My Prayers, Sacraments, Whatever It Is. Do Whatever I Can Do to Receive as Much of God's Love as Possible. Rule Two, Give It All Away. Don't Keep a Shred of It for Myself. If I Could Be so Bold as to Say to Let It Pass Through Me onto Everyone Around Me, That I Think is the Goal.
And then Rule Three, Chronically Repeat Rules One and Two Every Day for the Rest of My Life. I Think That's It. Thank You for My Life. God Bless You. God Bless America. God Bless America.