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Source: Mari G – Came 2 Believe (2023) – Steps Ten and Eleven – Date Unknown.mp3 File: mari-g-came-2-believe-2023-steps-ten-and-eleven-date-unknown.mp3 Duration: 00:50:40
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Good morning. My name is Mari. I'm an alcoholic. My dry date is the 10th of August, 1984. My group is the Third Tradition Group in Markham, Ontario. I have a sponsor, she has a sponsor, and I'm a grateful member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And before I forget, I would like to thank David and I would like to thank Jennifer. Thank you, Dave, are you listening? So much. Typically the men in AA, I'm talking and nobody's listening. All caught up in their own heads.
God knows what's going on in there. Yeah, I want to just say how much I've enjoyed this weekend. It has been absolutely wonderful. You know, the feeling in the room has been amazing. Just that feeling of people who are really grateful to be here and be sober. And you know, sometimes we think that the people who come here that we're preaching to the converted, you know, and but this is what it's all about. It's about we only have a daily reprieve, right, which is what I'm going to be talking about. And every day we get together, we seem to just strengthen this thing that we have in the Cathedral of the Spirit, when alcoholics come together. And I'm just so grateful. And so step 10, you know, it's a continual looking at myself, and it's more or less living in the moment. That's what this step is about. This step is about like yesterday, I was speaking about emotional sobriety. And that's very much what this step is about. I'm trying to live and practice everything I have learned in the first nine steps. I'm trying to practice and maintain this change of personality and spiritual growth that I've got. I'm trying to be a different person than the person I used to be. The person I used to be was not a good person. It was a very difficult person. You know, I told you about yesterday when I was at Friday, when I had that that big delay, flight delay, and how well I behaved. You know, Clancy used to say to me, behave better than you feel. You know, once upon a time, I took everything, even COVID as a personal outrage against me. You know, I mean, it just, I mean, it was, you know, and I did not react well to being stopped at anything. One of the women here was reminding me, I, you know, when I was young, living in Glasgow, I was born in Scotland, and, you know, one of my favorite images was me in the highlands, running through the highlands of Scotland, the vast empty spaces, stuck naked. Just giving you a visual. And with blue paint on Shelton, freedom! Like, I don't want any rules. I don't want anybody telling me what to do, except the priest. Right, Paul? So that was just how it was for me. So now I'm living a spiritual life, which is the way I'm getting out of that. I'm getting, I'm getting the freedom from alcohol that I never thought was possible. When I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, my life looked like the aftermath of a tsunami. That's what it looked like. I don't know if you ever saw those images of the Japanese tsunami, the after effects, horrendous. You think there's no way that can ever be cleaned up. And that's what I thought about my life. That's why I thought I'll never get off the street. And yet I got off the street. And when I thought I'd never get out of the mental institution, and I read you about that yesterday, four years of that, I thought I'll never be free of this. And I definitely never thought I'd be free from alcohol. But I am. Why? Because I've learned how to take instructions. I've learned that I know nothing. I came in here at age 40, I know nothing. And because of people like you and my sponsor and, and people who just accepted me. You know, what has come true for me and very much what this 10 step is about is about courtesy and kindness towards other people. I'll just throw in a
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wee bit here. When I was educated by Franciscan nuns, and they were beautiful. And my father had actually been a Franciscan monk who left the monastery because he had a doctrinal dispute. But anyway, I was educated by Franciscan nuns. Unfortunately, they kicked me out of school at age 15, because one of them hit me in the head or back. Because I thought if she could give it, she could take it. Right. And, and I'm sorry about that. And every time I go and see a nun, I make amends in the airport, you know, I didn't mean to do that, you know that, but that was a horrible person I was, I was leading up to my alcoholism. And the Mother Superior told me to sit outside her room and and memorize this thing above her door. While I waited for my poor mother, because I was expelled. And I looked at that thing. And you know, the only things I have a good memory, but I only remember things that interest me. That's all I remember. I remember things that interest me, don't interest me, I don't remember it. But I'm 15. And I'm looking and I'm studying this sign and thinking, how can that ever help me in my life? And it said, of courtesy, it is much less than courage of heart or holiness. But in my walks, to me, it seems that the grace of God is in courtesy. And way back then, I wanted nothing to do with courtesy. And I wanted nothing to do with the grace of God. But when I came through these doors at age 40, I knew it was the grace of God that brought me here. And it was the great courtesy that you extended to me. That had me stay. And that had me learn and be willing to learn. You see, the only reason I am where I get to when I'm at step 10. And on all the years since I'm 30 years sober, I still work on it. Still working on it.
And the only reason is I have continual willingness. I have a great passion. A great passion for the spiritual life. Because I truly believe what Carl Jung said, and it was referred to yesterday. When he wrote the answer to Bill Wilson's letter, he said, it is my opinion that what the alcoholic has, he has a thirst for a union with God. He drinks spirit, but it's the wrong spirit. Therefore, in Latin, the formula is spiritus contra spiritum, which means spirit against spirit. I had a longing for a spirit. And I put in the wrong kind of spirit. But now I found a solution. The spiritual life. And how do I keep it up? Continue to take personal inventory, and when I'm wrong, promptly admit it. Most days I get up and all is well with the world. I want to go out there and just tell people how much I love them. They're doing good. Just say hello, just help people. I want to be helpful and never hurtful, right? However, because I still continually have this thing inside me that's called alcoholism that never truly goes away. Every now and then if somebody upsets me on the street, I don't behave well. Not always. Hardly ever. But once in a while. Once in a while. And then, of course, I'll give you an example that just recently happened. And this shows me, the reason I know that this works is because I experience it. That's the only way you know anything works. It's your personal experience. And it was only about four days ago, I had ordered two pairs of glasses. It was a deal that was going. You order one and you get the other one for a certain amount of money. And I ordered two pair of prescription glasses because I just had my cataracts done.
And vision has changed. And I had to wait a while for them and I was upset about it. And I would go in every now and then and tell them about what I thought about their service. Quietly. And then eventually I did get the glasses and I didn't like them. I just did not. The glasses were not good. The sunglasses were okay, prescription, but the other ones were not good. Now, when I bought these glasses, you got a certain amount of points on this card I have. So I took them back and I said, I don't want these.
But they didn't take the points off. They deducted the points. And I didn't think anymore about it. And in the back of my mind, I thought, they deserve for me to keep the points.
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They deserve for me to keep the points. Well, that night at 10 o'clock, I go into bed and all of a sudden I'm struck with this horrendous conscience. And I start looking up to see if I can phone them and tell them they didn't take their points back. Can you imagine? I used to be a big time grifter, right? Now I'm worried about points on a card. I can hardly sleep thinking about these points. And I'm up to one in the morning trying to manipulate a way to get out of the fact I didn't tell them at the time.
And then I was able to fix it in the morning. But, see, that's not me. That's not who I used to be. I would take anything I wanted and you would live without it. Thank you very much. And I would have no… I'd help you to look for it. I had no conscience. And now I have developed this simply because I've been working these steps. And the thing is, I know now that the problem is and always has been me.
And I know it is a spiritual axiom that every time I'm disturbed, there's something wrong with me. What does that mean? Aren't we human? Can't people upset us? Yes, of course they can. Of course it's okay for me to feel upset. But when it says that, how I interpret that as a spiritual axiom, and every time I'm disturbed, there's something wrong with me, how I interpret that is, I know that I should look out for resentment, anger, fear.
I know I have to look out for them. And I have to address them when they happen. It doesn't mean that I'm above human and can't be affected by anything. No, that's not what it is. It's about… I know the repercussions of reacting in a certain way and being able to take time to address that. It's called the spot-check inventory. You know, doing the spot-check inventory in the day. That's what keeps me in fit spiritual condition. Because here's the thing, I don't know how this thing works, but it works. So once upon a time where I could be a complete and idiot moron to people, now I can't. I suffer for it. I suffer for my bad reactions.
So I've got to always pause. Pause when agitated. And as Dr. Bob said, guard that erring member of the tongue. Because I used to be very, very good with words. Words that used to cut and hurt. And I never want to do any of that anymore. I've had to change a personality. And that is amazing to me. That I could go through all of this. The one instant, the most horrendous instant amends I have ever had to make, I will tell you.
And it happened years and years ago, and I've never ever had one like this since. But what it showed me is that my criminal mind was still very much in action under certain givings. I don't know how I'd react today. Probably the same. I don't know. But I had been at a conference with Clancy and Johnny Harris, and it was just one of those life-changing conferences where you really get, you know, that now you're on a new spiritual plane.
Right? Nothing's going to upset you anymore. You've reached a new spiritual plateau, and all is good with the world. And I remember thinking to myself, people say I intimidate them. I used to be accused of being intimidating. And I wasn't. It was a protective device, because it took me a… You can take the people off the street, but it takes a long, long time to take the street off the people. Right? So, even with it, it took me a long time to really get that ease and comfort that I saw other people having.
And I had to… Clancy taught me how to communicate with other people, because I didn't know how to do it. I was always on the defensive. And so I think, okay, what I'm going to do is I'm going to go through the airport. I'm going to smile at people. And if I see any nuns, I'm going to carry their bag. And also, no look out for nuns. And then I… And then I, um, I get in the plane and I'm chatting away. I don't usually talk to the person next to me, and I'm chatting away and asking her how she's doing and listening with interest and, um, just behaving well, and then we take off and then there's a lot of turbulence, a lot of turbulence, and my spiritual growth now is beginning to diminish, and I'm not having that ease and comfort,
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I had, and that, and I'm getting very critical and I'm saying, it always happens like this on this aircraft, it always happens like this with this airline, I, other airlines take different flight paths, they don't get this turbulence, and she says to me, you're safer here than you are driving your car. I said, not me, I'm not. When I'm driving, I'm in control, right? Famous last words. By the time I get off the plane in Toronto, it's midnight, I'm exhausted, I'm upset, and then I have to drive home and it's one of those nights when there is fog and I live in the country, way past where Butch lives, up north at that time. It took me three hours to get home, 3am, and by this time I'm just a basket case.
Nobody understands the amount of sacrifice I put in for IAA. This shouldn't happen to me, right? Just complaining to God. But I don't have a, my family used to say to me, she's got brains to burn and not a drop of common sense. Brains to burn and not a drop of common sense. So there I am, I'm driving in, exhausted, and what do I think? Go and check your mail. Now, any other normal person would go straight to bed, but I've got to prolong my agony.
So, I drive in to go to the mailboxes and I feel something hit my car. Remember, I'm living in the country in a gated community. I think it must be a deer hitting my car, right? So I go to put my foot on the brake. The mailboxes are about where Bill is. I hit the accelerator and I go into all the mailboxes, 200 odd mailboxes, and they all come crashing down. And my first thought is not spiritual. My first thought is, get out of here and get into your house and they won't notice you. Now, the noise was horrendous. I back out, I get into, I've got, you know, my garage opens up as I get into it. I get in and I think, whoa, nobody knew that was me.
And then I look and the front's gone off my van. It's back by the mailboxes. I called a wonderful guy, Irish guy, dead now, God bless him, great AA guy, Dave C. And I called Dave and I told him what happened. He says, we better walk over there and see what's happened. He said, we were woken up by that crash. And by the time Dave and I walk over, God bless him, it's 3.30 in the morning and all the neighbors are out at the mailboxes in their dress and gowns. And as I'm walking up to them with Dave, this guy is saying, it must have been a drunk.
I said, it was me. And I made amends. And of course, I had to, you know, tell the truth to the insurance company. It cost a hell of a lot of money. And what it did was I eventually moved out of the country. See, moving to the country was not God's will for me. And I knew that. I knew that. I knew that because it was like fitting the round peg in the square hole. And I just said, I want to be in the country. And God said, oh yeah, all right, on you go.
So, here's the thing. So, where's Rick? Is Rick here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, where? No, I don't see him. That doesn't matter. I'll tell that another time. So, we were talking about being in Hawaii. And in 2001, two weeks after 9-11, we didn't think we'd get to fly. And we were at a conference. And the name of the conference was Design for Living. That's what was on the badges.
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And we were both on the elevator. And it was filled with AA people with the Design for Living, the name of the conference, on the badge. And this man comes in with his daughter, who was not attending the conference. And he says to me, Design for Living? Are you guys all interior decorators? I said, you could call it that. So, this great longing I have for the spiritual life is passion. It's a passion. It's like the passion I had, I didn't know anything about the spiritual life when I came in here.
I didn't. I was so far away from God. I can't remember when I started rowing away from God on the great sea of life. But I rowed and rowed and rowed and rowed, far, far away, until I was in a dark night of the soul through alcohol. And I had put God out of my life long, long, long ago. And I believe that alcoholism, like the old timers said, is a soul sickness. It's a soul sickness. There was an author called Scott Fitzgerald, and he died of alcoholism. And he wrote that in the real dark night of the soul, it's always 3 o'clock in the morning. And I know 3 o'clock in the morning. I was a hopeless alcoholic. I know that time.
And that is the time I lived in. I was in a time warp. Life had stopped for me. You heard Bob describe so well the horrors of the alcoholic condition when you're a chronic alcoholic in the late stages of chronic alcoholism. We laugh a lot in here. But I will tell you, it is beyond description. There are no words to describe what that is like. I call it the horror. The horror of it. I can't give you words because it's an experience. But if you looked at terror, bewilderment, frustration, and despair, I would say that to you.
And it's complete and utter separation from your fellows, from your loving family, from everything human. And you don't know the solution is a God solution. You don't know that. And you come in here and you totally do all these things and eventually you begin to feel real good. And now all I've got to do is maintain what I've done. What do I have when it says you have a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of your spiritual condition? What does that mean? Does that mean that I'm going to drink again if I don't maintain my spiritual condition?
No. Maybe eventually long, long way down the road. No. What that means is that little by little by little I'm going to go back to my old ways of behaving. Little by little by little I'm going to become the horrible person I used to be. So that instead of being an asset to society and to my AA society, I will become troublesome. I'll be a producer of confusion one more time rather than harmony. I have an amazing ability to make benign, well-adjusted people behave like morons. It's just a talent.
They used to say to me at home, she could create a riot in an empty room. And that was just who I was because I was always fully all these conflicts inside myself. The only alcohol could ever calm me down. Only alcohol could ever give me a little bit of shush. Just a little bit of shush from the madness that's going on in here. And then the steps start doing it for me. And it's incredible. And how did this all come about?
Because other people have told me what they have done. And it is through looking at you. And that is why in the rooms, don't think people don't look at you and listen to you. People are always looking at you and listening to you.
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We are the greatest criticisers of each other. We are always watching. And if you tell me this thing has worked in your life and all you have to do is do these maintenance steps 10, 11 and 12 to maintain and grow better than what you have, you mean I can feel better than this? Yes you can. Yes you can. You can feel much, much better than this. You will keep growing and experiencing the joy of life. And I want that.
And the thing is this, from being a skeptic and being somebody who never ever believed what anybody said, now I believe you. Now I really, because I see it. Because I know an alcoholic. I only have to look in your eyes and I know if you are an alcoholic of my type, as Bill Wilson said, I only have to look at you to know if you have known what it is to be utterly and completely empowered to alcohol where nothing will get you out of it.
I compare how I used to feel to how I feel when I am doing and practising this step 10. Step 9 cautions me that the spiritual life is not a theory. I have to live it. And now I am beginning to live on a daily basis and enjoy what I have in the moment, not thinking about tomorrow or yesterday. And I get great moments when I think more and more so today and I don't know if it is because of my age. I don't know. I mean I am going to be 80 in October. I can't believe it. It is like where did my life go? I got in here at age 40.
I started drinking at 25. I had 15 years of destroying my life and losing everything. Up until age 25 I was a basket case. I was crazy. I found alcohol and I got a little piece. For 4 years alcohol worked for me. In my lifetime. So 25 years of craziness, 4 years of good alcoholic ease and comfort and the rest a nightmare beyond description until I came to you at age 40. So now I am going to be 80. At age 40 I came here. I am 79 right now. I will have 39 years of sobriety in August. And it is the best life ever. I cannot believe that I deserve this.
And I want to get closer and closer and closer. Not just with the passion. Passion requires sacrifice. And I don't see a lot of that in the young people today. And I think that Zoom has certainly. Oh I won't go there God. I know I get sidetracked. Was that you God or was that a passing thought? But anyway all I am saying is what happens is that I know that Zoom has. I never did Zoom ever. I didn't even download it. To me it was against the 6th tradition and the 12th tradition but I don't have an opinion on it.
I just could not do it. So unfortunately though what has happened is there are some places in my area where they have closed down permanently their group and they are just online now. And I think what happened to your community? What happened to the people around you? I mean I am 79. My sponsees are no spring chickens some of them either. I mean I have got two beautiful ones here right now. Kate and Kelly. But Kelly is the same as me. Kate is just. You are just a pumpkin to us darling. You are just a baby.
But I go in on a Tuesday and a Thursday with my sponsee because there are only three key holders and we set up the chairs and the tables. Us. And then these young people come in 5-10 minutes before the meeting. Right? Right? And I try and behave well. Right? So, anyway, so can I stay and keep sober and
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emotional balance under any conditions? And then what I'm going to do, you know, here's the thing, Thomas Merton, you know who Thomas Merton is, don't you? He was wonderful. And he spoke, he used to speak about the true and the false self. And to me that's very much what Step 10 is about. Because I have come to believe that my false self was the one that I had, that had to find relief in alcohol to be able to live with any degree of comfort whatsoever. That that was very much the false self that I had to get rid of when it says relieve me of the bondage of self. And Thomas Merton said, my false and my private self is the one that exists outside of the reach of God's will and God's help. Outside of reality and outside of life. That's exactly where my false self, the new self, the real self, the self that I have developed through Alcoholics Anonymous and The Steps, that is the self that I'm trying to maintain and keep. Because then I'm going to go on to Step 11. And I'm going to try and keep this conscious contact with God.
And it gives me exact details how to do it. And it talks about, you know, on awakening, praying, asking God for direction throughout the day. And I have a nice little story. Somebody came and said I should, where are you darling? Yeah, yeah, there you are. Said tell the story. So you know, I had lived in Jamaica for many years and my sons had been taken away from me and they were living in Jamaica. I was in Canada. And I went back to live in the island for a couple of years, get my son sorted. And when they were all, it was all dusted, all sorted and dusted. And I put them off to where they were going. I stayed in the island and I worked. And I had a great job. I was making amends to the island. And one, and I had a great, one morning I'm driving along Montego Bay. I don't know if you have anybody in here ever been to Montego Bay and Jamaica. Yeah, there's a lovely little road that runs all the way along.
It's got little walls and the seas on one side. And then the mountains are on the other side and you drive all along the sea till you get to Ocho Rios to drive to Kingston. I'm out there. I'm late for my appointment, but I'm driving and I'm talking to God and I'm doing, I didn't pray before I left, but I'm talking to God on the road and I'm saying, thank you, God, that I could come back to the island and make amends. Thank you, God, that I was able to be helpful to my children and help them. I'm so grateful, God. Thank you, God. And look at the beauty you have around you. And then I saw, boom, and I saw a face come up on the windscreen of my car.
And I think, oh my God, I've killed this man. Stop my car. Get out. And it's an American tourist. You see, in Jamaica, we drive on the left-hand side of the road, like in the UK. But you Americans come down there and you think you can change road rules. So this guy, he had one of these little motorcycles that they can hire and he's on the right side of the road. And because I'm talking to God, I hit him. He was bleeding from the mouth. I think he's got a brain, some is damaged. And of course, all the people come and they're all around and the police come and they take him to the hospital. They take me because I'm responsible for tourist expenses to get them fixed up at the hospital. And they take me there. And luckily enough, he had cut the inside of his mouth and it had to be stitched. But thank God it was nothing worse. And we got him back to his family in the hotel and I paid for whatever was done in the emergency.
And the police officer said to me, Miss Mari, you have to come back. The inspector wants to see you and take your report. Now, the inspector of police in Montego Bay is very well known to me and I was very well known to him back in the day. However,
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I still am afraid. And I go up and he's sitting behind his desk and he's such a gentleman and I sit across from him. And he said, so Miss Mari, tell me. You know the tourists are here and they drive on the wrong side of the road and you should be paying attention. It's a tourist area. What happened to you? What were you doing that you didn't see the tourist? I said, I was talking to God, sir. He said, talking to God? I said, yes, sir. I was talking to God. And he reached over and he took my hand and he patted it.
And he says, Miss Mari, I beg you, do, for the health of the Jamaican tourist industry, can you try talking to God before you leave home in the morning? So there you are, talking to God before I leave home in the morning. That's it. Got to get right for the day. Because to me, that's where all the defect agitators are, that are specifically out to get me with a mission. That's how it used to look to me, that people were out to get me. How do I negotiate the highways and the byways of daily life without hurting anybody and without me getting these imaginary slights? Because I never forget that there are certain days, there are those grace of fond days, there are those days when I'll be a little more sensitive. There are those days where I'll be a little bit more, maybe not in fit spiritual condition. There will be a little bit more maybe when I'm standing there.
There will be a little bit more maybe when I'm standing there. In the 8 to 10 produce counter checkout, and someone decides to come and ignore the sign with 50 things in the basket, and I decide to bring it to their attention instead of just letting them go on. How do I keep doing that? Well, because I've got to get in fit spiritual condition. Considering plans for the day. I need God's will and direction for my life.
I need sponsorship. In fact, I'll tell you, when my sponsor Clancy died, I felt part of me gone, but it was just getting back again to that dependence I spoke about in emotional sobriety. I had this horrific dependency on him because he knew me so well. He used to say, you call me at three o'clock, that's your call time. And every now and then I'd get a panic and call him a wee bit later because I forgot.
And I'd say, Clancy, I'm sorry I didn't get you three, and then I'd go into this long explanation. He used to say to me, shut up, shut up. Do you know what's going to happen to your tombstone when you die, Gallagher? I'd say, what? She died of explanation. So I don't want to go through my days explaining why I behaved in that way. I don't want to. I don't want to get into that way of being anymore.
And also, I want to behave well when I'm with my children's in-laws. That's always a danger zone for me. I don't know. I just don't seem to have a filter when I sit down with those people. I don't know. Getting in a lot of trouble with the old in-laws there. And just generally, like I say to you in the rooms when I see people, these young people come in and in the end I say to them very nicely when we're cleaning up, would you like to help with clean up? Right? Or how Clancy, pick up that table. Depends how I am, right?
And then we start asking for volunteers. And that is my two danger areas for me at this stage. That I can really identify where I'm tested. I don't know why. It's just a testing zone. Every year I go back and I'm so grateful I'm able to do this. And this is where also it's tested for me. I go back and I look after my old aunt. She's one of two that came and took me off Skid Row in Miami in 1980. My family are very tribal. My family will go anywhere,
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do anyone, doesn't matter what you've done. You could commit murder and they would be coming to try and get you. That's just who they are. Good Christian people, but family blood is everything. And I go there with my old aunt and I don't let her upset me anymore. And it's just me and her in this her old house, sitting in two chairs across from each other. And I listen to her talk about the past. And if she says something stupid, I don't get upset anymore.
I listen to what she says. And sometimes she'll say, has that AA found out what's wrong with you yet? And then she'll criticize me and tell me all the trouble I gave them. And I just listen to her and I just love her. Because that's what this has taught me. You know, the 11-step prayer, my father was a Franciscan. And the 11-step prayer is the prayer of Saint Francis. And I love it. Because to me it is very much what this is all about. What the 11-step, Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. That's what I'm striving for. I'm trying to be an instrument of God's peace. I'm trying to bring harmony rather than confusion and despair to people. That where there is hatred, I may sow love. That I'm trying to be loving instead of being hateful. Because very much, I used to live in that hatred. I came from a place in Scotland where God has two tribes. One is Protestant and one is Catholic. And never the twain shall meet.
My last name is Irish. I was treated like a second-class citizen. I was very much, not my family. My family were very loving. But I got into it at school and after school. I got into this horrific thing that people think it's religious. It's not. It's so much more than that. To where there is hatred, I may sow love. That where there is injury, pardon. I still see people today. My brother, I've injured him. Never meaning to.
But simply, he's the closest parent. He's the only sibling I have. But because of my alcoholism, he had to do everything for my parents. And anybody else I can think of that I see from time to time that may have had a part in that old life. And there's not a lot of them left. That's where there is despair hope. If I see somebody in the rooms that is despairing, or if I even sense despair in the people who live in around me, in the apartment building I am, I will do anything I can to try and help.
Because I want to be better than I am. That's where there is sadness joy. There's a lot of sadness in the world. A lot. Can I now be a beacon of a little joy in people's lives? Yes. Sometimes I'm amazed at myself. I mean, I am. Because if you knew me back in the day, I was horrible. And now I'm out there smiling at people and helping people I don't know. And you know, sometimes I'm down in the washroom and somebody says to me, you know, you're a good person. And I say, no, I'm not. I'm not a good person.
I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person. You know, sometimes I'm down in the washroom and somebody can't carry up the clothes. And I see her looking a little sad because, God, we're all aging in that building. But I mean, they're just on their last legs trying to maintain their independence. You know, and I see it in their face. And I know I'm heading there.
And I want to give them a little joy. And I say, I'll carry that for you. Try telling this behavior to three of my husbands. Right? Where is despair, hope, sadness, joy? God, help me to be more understanding than I am. Help me to bring something of joy. Help me to bring something of joy of this life that I'm living, because if I don't, prayer and meditation are my principal means of connecting with God. If I want this God
[00:45:04]
consciousness, I have to keep working on it. It's a continual thing. And I'm telling you, it's not every day you walk around, and it's you and God, you know, but it happens in your reactions to life. It happens in your reactions to people. It happens in the decisions you make without even knowing. And you know, sometimes because I am not completely healed of all those psychological things, I had panic attacks from I was 13. But this that I found in AA is I have lived a non-medicated life for 39 years in AA without any psychiatric drugs. Right, Kelly?
You and me were two of Clancy's crazy babies. And Bob was nameless in everything that Clancy gave, right? So, you know, since I've been sober, I've barely had a panic attack, which is incredible to me. The cup every now and I don't know, maybe it's a total of five times in almost 39 years. I have felt because they come unsolicited and unasked. And these, I feel it coming on out of nowhere. And it's so terrifying and so isolating.
And then I used to get up and run around like a mad person thinking I was losing my mind. And now I get up and I walk up and down. And I say, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, I get up and I walk up and down. And I say, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God, God. And it goes away. Or I'm sitting on the plane and once in a while, not often, I'll get that horrendous feeling one more time of claustrophobia and I can't breathe and it's all in my mind.
And then that God consciousness straight comes in and takes away the fear. And I'm okay. Because I'm living in the moment and I'm living in a God consciousness that I don't even know. All I know is that I've put all these years of work into it. Pausing when agitated so that I don't do any more damage. What is this step here? What are we working for? Eventually to fit ourself to be of ultimate use to God and our fellows. That's what it's all about. To be of ultimate, that's why I'm doing all this stuff. It's personal. It's me. But then I am the instrument of God. We all are.
And that I'm getting a personality change sufficient to bring about recovery from the alcoholism manifestations that always kept me separate and apart from an isolated apartness. That's what this is. It's bringing me where I'm, as Chuck Chamberlain used to say, being where all God's gets up. Profound alteration in my reaction to life. And let me tell you, it works. It works. What used to look grey and horrible now has colour and joy because of these steps. My instincts have been returned to their true purpose. That's a big one.
So I'm going to finish with this little thing. Thomas Merton that I love, he wrote this thing, Thoughts and Solitude. And he said, My Lord God, I have no idea where I'm going. I don't see the road ahead. Nor do I know myself. And the fact that I think I'm following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to do so pleases you. The desire, that's all it needs. Desire is a very deep, deep thing. We talk about the desire to stop drinking.
That comes from a soul place. And this desire to do God's will comes from a soul place. But it only comes if you've really worked through the spiritual steps that we're given. There is no spiritual Viagra, folks. You don't just get it out of nowhere. You work for it, you get it. And the desire to do your will, God, that's all that's needed. Thank you so much for this weekend,
[00:50:04]
for being here. Thank you so much, Bill and Bob, for giving us the opportunity to be here. Thank you so much, Bill and Bob, for giving me a life beyond my wildest dreams that I could never have believed. I get more grateful the older I get. I need my sponsor more the older I get because I don't want to screw up anymore. Thank you again, Dave, for this wonderful. And for all the other speakers, too. I've enjoyed every one of you. Thank you so much.